#also like. the poem one at least i can understand bc she has no way to know what goes into writing poetry so she assumes ✨love✨

[an-absolute-nightmare]

it's kinda sweet that my mom is in such awe of whenever i do art that she can't believe i did something that seems big but also like she genuinely doesn't believe i did something that seems big and honestly i can't help but feel a bit insulted sometimes

[kaiasky]

sabakos: oh, I thought of this dumb comic again and I think what really cheeses me off about it is that something like "you get from it what you bring to it" is somewhat trivially true of everything else also, including not just "representational" art, but poems, novels, repair manuals, interpersonal relationships, etc.

So presenting this as some sort of mystical revealed wisdom that's particular to abstract art really just seems like an excuse for not thinking very hard about either abstract art or criticism or hermeneutics in general. But it's not like you need an abstract piece of art to teach that to you, most people start via the blind men and the elephant. So I expect someone who claims to enjoy abstract art to be able to tell me something about their fave other than the least distinctive thing about it.

(can't rb the original bc tsarina has me blocked (probably deservedly, i am very annoying) so im reposting)

idk enough about art criticism history to actually make this argument but. @sabakos's thing made me curious if like. "you get from it what you bring to it" is in some sense a sentiment that developed out of, or in concert with, modern art.

certainly blind men and the elephant is ancient but. there's many ways to apprehend that ig.

well like in literary criticism the standard very reductive story is that historicism (understanding of a work is in the study of its context) gave way to new criticism (understanding is in the close reading of the work and its self-reference, not in the reader or the author) and that gives way to stuff like reader-response theory (understanding is in the way the work acts upon/interacts with the reader).

and i don't think these have exact equivalents in visual arts, but like.... you certainly hear people talk about the formal qualities of modern art in a new-criticism-esque way with little attention paid to the reader. which is very different to the "what do YOU contain" of the image. (tsarina gets at this i think with 'this image is completely the wrong way to understand modern art' and i think she's right. or at least, its vastly incomplete, right.)

but also 'of course one can read any work, even repair manuals, as a text, and analyze it as its action on the reader' also feels very of a time with modern art. we are in the soup?

[broke-on-books]

May I ask about your beef with T.S. Elliott? I don't know much about him, but I'm curious as to your opinions on him.

Um well I don't like Eliot for many reasons (I wrote a whole blog post on this for school haha) so I'll try to make it quick but it really breaks down to three subjects for me

1. His personal life

2. His actual body of work

3. His reception and legacy

In terms of personal life, he of course really sucked, like (this is from memory so there may be mistakes) he institutionalized his wife and didn't visit her for a decade (and she died in the institution), he also was publically antisemitic, and very, very good friends (like besties) with Ezra Pound, the poet whose most famous poem is his 800 page lament on the fall of Mussolini and spent all of wwii betraying his country and making + promoting axis propaganda, so that's just like a whole can of worms there to unpack.

With his like actual work stuff, this is probably where I give him the most leeway bc he has a few lines that genuinely go really fucking hard. Like there are some lines where I 100% understand why he is a behemoth in the world of poetry. Like "this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper" and "do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decision and revisions which a minute can reverse" and "I will show you fear in a handful of dust" all go so hard. They do. This is true. But the rest of his work is just really nonsensical to me (and I've read his most famous pieces many times) and requires heavy academic investment to try and understand. I'm talking like intense knowledge of classical and medieval works, at least 3 languages besides English, etc.

Like there's more deciphering involved than actual poetry (I think in the book for the Waste Land there literally is more end notes than poem. And that poem is Long). And like this feeds into the third point I have which is the reception of his stuff and how I hate that T S Eliot is put up as like "total genius, greatest of all time, PINNACLE of poetry" by some people. Because I very think it starts falling into an elitist attitude of "getting" Eliot and seeing like deciphering these pieces as some sort of accomplishment on its own in a way that doesn't feel genuine to me.

Like there's just something off there about the vibes to me. That for some people they care more abt "understanding" Eliot then engaging w the themes of the poems themselves and then just brag about reading Eliot a lot (and likely Pound too and much of the imagist movement) in a way that again I just don't like.

And I think doing this and lifting Eliot up so high when his poetry is in the style it is actually hurt poetry a bit as an art form because like. It is what poetry haters accuse poetry of being like it's inaccessible, complicated, hard to read, and people get snobby about it. And I think people see that and get the wrong idea or confirm wrong ideas they had about poetry as a whole from his work which breaks me heart.

TLDR Eliot has a couple lines I think are absolute fire, but I dislike most of work. I don't like the imprint him and his reputation have had in regard to poetry, and I think he was a horrible human being.

& Every once and a while I'll read some of his more popular poems to check that they're still bad and pay a visit to the one line I like hidden within 60 bad ones

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hi! Could I receive a male matchup for Honkai Star Rail and Genshin Impact, please? If they’re open! Thank you!

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: Straight

Zodiac/MBTI: Taurus/INFP

Appearance: I’m quite short and petite at 5’2 lol I’m also very fair skinned. In general, I’m just told I’m rather frail looking (ppl have told me I look like a doll bc of my baby face and pale skin 😭).

Personality: I’m rather shy, quiet, and anxious around people I don’t know too well. I think I come off as sort of on edge a lot. But once you get to know me and I’m comfortable, I open up more. I love to ramble about anything and everything I find interesting (I try not to but I get a little carried away sometimes lol). I love to learn new things and learn MORE about what I already know which is why I love documentaries and video essays lol. I think I may talk too much sometimes, so I try not to talk too much to strangers as to not scare them off lmao. I have trouble making friends because of my shyness, but I just try to keep myself busy instead! I like to try to think positively :)

Hobbies: singing (non-professionally), rhythm games, video games, and watching video essays/documentaries especially true crime and horror. I’m also studying Psychology rn and hoping to become a neuropsychologist in the future! I love learning about the brain and its effects on behavior.

Likes: my hobbies, cute things!! (dogs, babies, kittens, etc.), pastel colors, cute fashion/jewelry

Dislikes: emotional immaturity, bugs (terrified of them), a lack of empathy but also logic, hot weather

Also idk if it matters but I’m hard of hearing as well! I hope this isn’t too long :’) Thank you in advance for the matchup!

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In Honkai Star Rail, I match you with...

(I'm not super familiar with Jing Yuan yet so I'm sorry if this is a bit out of character.)

I think your best match would be Jing Yuan. He's emotionally mature and is also very logic based; things that you value in a person.

Thinks your interest in psychology is admirable. As a General, Jing Yuan needs to understand the thoughts of both the people under his command and his enemies so he's fairly knowledgeable about psychology himself.

If you have any questions about psychology, run them by him. There's no guarantee that he'll have the answers but the chances of him having at least some kind of answer are high.

Thinks your adorable for liking cute things. He usually has to deal with things that are less than cute (like swords, war, and the aftermath of fights) so you're a nice breath of fresh air.

Jing Yuan loves listening to you sing. He'll hum along with you if he knows the song but he doesn't want to block out your voice. He thinks you've got a lovely voice and he wants to hear as much of it as possible.

Following on from this, he also loves listening to you ramble about your interests. He may not seem like he's listening sometimes but when he gifts you a piece of jewellery you mentioned in passing a few months ago, you can be sure he's always paying close attention.

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

You and Kazuha are the quiet couple that people love hanging out with!

One of the best listeners in the entirety of Teyvat. He'll only interrupt occasionally to make a comment on your story or ask a relevant question.

He pretty knowledgeable about a wide variety of things because of all of his travelling and he's more than happy to talk about them with you. It expands your knowledge, as well as his own.

Kazuha will write poetry about you and your interests. He'll leave them in places where he know you'll find them.

He'll always sign his poems to you as "Your Secret Admirer", even though it's pretty obvious they're from him. He's just a big romantic at heart.

Will make jewellery for you. He can never find the perfect piece when he's out and about so he'll just make it instead. That way he can put all of his love and affection into his gift as well.

Will get rid of bugs for you. They don't bother him but he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

Kazuha would love to sing with you. He's got a good voice, albeit a bit soft and he'll always harmonize with you well. He also knows a lot of songs so no matter what you start singing, he'll soon join in.

[erosofthepen]

i dont have any specific requests but just. Kili. thoughts on Kili.

i have so many thoughts on kili you came to the right person

things i hc abt kili:

-he has a journal he writes in religiously. its all poetry and random thoughts and pressed flowers or other flora he's found that catches his eye. he doodles pretty things in it as well, from crystal caves to the fire of the forge.

-mans is a hopeless romantic. all he wants is an epic beautiful story-for-the-ages whirlwind romance that is fueled by passion and love. and whilst his romances might not always work out the way his 200k fanfic he wrote in his teens did, he never gives them up and relishes each experience. Even bad romances fuel his poetry writing at least. And with his One, when he finally meets them, he does all the simp-worthy romantic shit, from picking bouquets to opening doors.

-drawing from the poetry, kili is incredibly intelligent, at least literature-wise. dont get me wrong, mans is a dumbass and a himbo, but he could talk for hours on end on how the structure of a syllable scheme can make or break a poem. he's very well versed in symbolism and dwarven mythology and lore, and, next to ori, is the best person able to understand and find the deeper meaning in different works, and discuss them thoroughly.

-kili honestly isn't the best in the forges. he does alright, but his skill is comparable to an average human blacksmith. his real talent in metalworking comes to the details. like carving dozens of intricate lines into a single ring, or carving a whole battle scene on the inside of a bracelet. it's a skill he is very proud of, even if he can't even forge a good knife.

-mama's boy. i feel like thorin kind overlooked kili a lot growing up, his focus was on fili, being the heir and all, so kili didn't have a super strong adult male figure in his life. he had his mom, which is arguably better for him. like he'd spend all day helping dis in her shop or at her trade, and just chilling with his amad.

-he knows how to cook. like dis probs taught him, needed at least one son capable of creating edible food (she gave up with fili, who took after thorin in this way), and by god kili learned fast. he knows what he's doing in the kitchen. he is this whole video.

-i also think kili would be the type of dwarf to collect shineys. like crystals and fun rocks and bits of jewelry. he has corvid like tendencies and has pouches and boxes full of his collections.

-mans is deeply insecure. this hc is pretty popular, but like with no beard and being the dwarf version of a tall lanky string bean, he has body image issues. he doesn't have a lot of problems with confidence, like fake it till you make it vibes, but when it comes down to him and his One, he needs validation. he needs to know that he is the prettiest boy. just needs reminding and loving.

-coming from the insecure place, i believe later in life kili has a huge glow up. to quote my dear friend @cutie-cutter, "he's a late bloomer, but by god he blooms". like maybe in his 90s all of a sudden he fills out a lot, some nice body fat over all that muscle, and then starts growing a really nice beard. like it ain't super long but its thick and lush and ideal for braiding. he is the prettiest boy.

-kili is also the ultimate wingman. like when he's younger he doesn't have the looks but he has the game with his words alone. with fili its the opposite, fili's like mr. knightly in the sense of "if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more", he ain't good with all the cute romantic shit. but kili helps him by writing poems and teaching him lines at the small price of taking his dessert for a week.

-(kinda nsfw?) while young and still escorting merchants with fili, i feel like kili def. got himself some fun nights at brothels. like he'd be more than willing to spend all his earnings in one night for some... special treatment. I also hc that kili didn't really get with women a lot when a younger adult, mostly men, bcs mans has daddy issues like you wont believe. the bisexual also probs thinks his chances with women are low anyways, since women in dwarven culture can be picky and usually go for ones with looks, or at least a full beard.

-(nsfwish) also going back to his journal, he also has a hell of a lot of erotic poetry in there. he'll spend stanzas describing sensations and the aesthetics of a particularly steamy night, and if someone catches his eye he could go on and on about them. absolutely no one is allowed to see his journal besides him (thorin found it once and just sighed in disappointment and wishing he had bleach before closing it and never bringing it up), and it is kept out of sight at all times. it would be very interesting for his One to find it though, and all the different scenarios that could play out...

that's all for now, thank you for this ask!! love talking about this bisexual whore of a man.

[moved-to-cinnamon-phrog]

rank dhmis characters from favorite to least favorite?

:D Gladly! Sorry I took awhile my laptop was having a tantrum and didn't want to cooperate

O A T S

I love him so much he is the most complex and 5 dimensional character in the entire DHMIS series I loved that bit where he saved those orphans from a burning building.

2. Yellow Guy

Look at him. He is exquisite. He's made of nothing but sunshine and lemon easter peeps and his brain is made of candy-floss.

Fr he is my favourite, for multiple reasons which are very intricate and personal to my being and if I said them all you'd be reading for about five hours.

The main reason is because he's one of my favourite tropes concentrate.

I'm an absolute sucker for the type of charater that tries to make the best out of dark situations. He... tries. Maybe he's the way he is because he's just too stupid to understand, but I choose to beleive that he knows but... pretends he doesn't. At least a little bit.

Also his design is gorgeous. I never liked the colour yellow but now it's my favourite ^-^

Anyways he is litterally my Blorbo

3. Duck

My favourite lil' bitch. Skrunkly thang. Bastard.

What I like abt Duck is he's so widespread in his character.

Their like everyone's grumpy grandad, little old lady that knits you scarves for the winter, goofy uncle that lives in the woods with a shotgun and a bottle of whisky, sassy wine aunt, dad that reads the paper in the morning and has rthe worst dance moves ever, housewife mum from the fifties, little brother that wants you to look at his planes and moody big sister that wants you to gtfo of her room rn she's talking to Braydon shut up Braydons on the phone all in one.

He genuinely, desprately wants others to like him, to look up to him and see him as a friend. But they can never quite get there.

That's why they love anybody and everybody who loves them back, because not many do.

They're voice smells good also ^-^

4. Red Guy

He's only this far down bc he looks like a used tampon to me and I can't unsee it, so the other two I hold at a slightly higher pedastal bc of it.

He's the cool guy, laid back and sad, and I like his swag.

But he canonically hunts wales for sport and I don't have much to say about him really, I like Red but he's certainly not my favourite. That doesn'y mean I don't like him though.

5. Roy

Roy :) Worlds Worst Father. He has a cheese puff for a nose. He has contacted absolutely every sexually transmitted disease onto his person.

6. Colin

Con da puter ^^^^^^^^^

My favourite teacher methinks. He's much more goofy and I love that abt him. Unlike the others he just seems to want the trio to have fun, if in his odd little twisted way.

He's just a little narccisistic kid really. That nerd that had pokemon cards that thought he was fresh af for having all the shinys.

7. Tony

I love him sm I made a poem 'bout him:

Tony Tony

Macaroni

Pepperoni Pizzer

He likes traumatizing kids

I hope he never meets ya

8. Sketchbook

The gg scenecore Manic Pixie Dreamgirl Creepypasta loving brony.

9. Shrignold.

I hate to love him and I love to hate him >:3

10. Train

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ train

11. Lamp

This drunkard really just stumbled in absolutely piss-faced and got the teching job bc nobody could get rid of him.

12. Furry Boy and his crab <3

13. Steak

My friend calls him Meaty Gusteau.

14. Spinach can

I ran out of funny words I just think she's cool.

15. Bread Boy

Look at this face. This is the cutest lil thang. Look at his drums. He exeeds talent.

16. Fridge

Fridgy <33333 get away from me <333333333 ur scary <3333333333333

17. Micheal

Mah boy just needs some love :o'(

18. This Tree

19. This Stick

20. Wow look a piechart!

21. DIGITAL STYLE

22. DO A DIGITAL DANCING, AIN'T THIS JUST FUN?!?!?!?!

23. This bargraph I have no emotion for whatsoever.

Why do you exist.

24. Paula

25. Mean Steve.

Mean Steve is a fucking cunt he pissed on my fucking wife-

26. THIS FUCKING THING

Okay I love all the other characters but tHIS. This HEATHEN. I hate him. He invokes so much hatred in me you have no idea. I want to stomp on him. I want to set him on fire. I want both sides of his pillow to be warm.

Honorable mentions:

Shriggy's Lovecult, Mrs. Grenalds and the other weirdos in Clayhill, twin goblins Scaraboosh and Scaramoochie, The Pirate King, and whoever the fuck Jason is.

[omegawolverine]

goth kid headcanons, gimmie. -Batz 🖤💜

cracking my knuckles and snickering gayly lets go

pete:

-ends up being the shortest goth by the time theyre all in high school (with the exception of firkle who is still in middle school, but he is also taller)

-hello trans dude. i see u. he/they/it + neos

-listens to evanescence more than he'd like to admit

-his favorite color is teal but it doesnt look good on him so he sticks with red and purple, both of which he likes and looks good in

-he is absolutely horrendous when it comes to dying his hair despite the fact that his hair is the hardest to dye and maintain out of all four of his friends. you'd assume he wouldve learned at some point after years of having it done but he is just Clueless. henrietta is the one who bleaches and dyes it red, michael helps with buying him stuff thatll maintain the color longer, firkle reminds him when he needs a touch up. his hair would be a mess without them.

-writes to fruitiest poems about michael but like. in the most gruesome ways possible? like they are very gorey but in a romantic way. michael finds them endearing. firkle would be lying if he said he wasnt a bit concerned.

-going off that ^ pete is a hopeless romantic and his love language is gift giving. he's always getting the homies shit they dont need but he knows they want and it's gotten to the point where they have to not say when they like things just so he stops spending money

-has a big sweet tooth (which is basically canon, have yall seen how much sugar he puts into his coffee?) but he pretends he doesnt

michael:

-is very bad with expressing himself verbally so he writes long ass essays when he is upset or needs help or whatever and gives them to the goths

-the groups resident slur sayer. stop calling ur boyfriend a faggot in public before u get ur shit rocked pls-

-is on honor roll and he is embarrassed by it just bc south park gives them like. t shirts and shit as a "reward"? it's weird as fuck.

-wants to be a piercer when he gets older, has given firkle and pete a couple piercings

-has a stick and poke of a cat on his ankle from craig. it was an odd experience but he still likes it.

-his favorite movie is donnie darko. he does not understand the plot At All.

-even tho giving (+ recieving) compliments makes him uncomfortable, he tries to give them to his friends bc he knows they all get shit from other people for various reasons and he doesnt want it to affect them. he hopes it balances out or smth

-him and henrietta have best friend necklaces made out of resin encased bugs

-has broken his nose at least twice in a moshpit

-really likes collecting rocks <3

henrietta:

-is the mom friend but like. an aggressively caring way.

-is naturally a blonde but she dyes her hair black. only her family and the goths really know

-also on honor roll but she is very proud of it <3

-she is tall!! like 5'11" ish!!!

-is the laziest when it comes to doing makeup out of the four of them. literally just puts on bottom eyeliner then Goes. meanwhile pete and firkle are out here doing a full face every morning and michael is color correcting his eyebags just to REAPPLY MAKEUP OVER THEM.

-wears rings on every single finger bc she likes the jingle jangle

-always writes personalized stories for each goth during the holiday season

-really good at math but hates doing it

-resident mean lesbian <3 just wants her boys to shut up so she can think about Girls

-does the whole groups nails every week for funsies

-her room has an oogie boogie shrine that freaks michael out. he is not a fan of the big bag man. thinks the movie mightve given him a lasting fear of Just oogie boogie.

-has somehow befriended kenny wendy and pip. they are her normie exceptions <3

-weirdly good at fps games considering she doesnt like them

firkle:

-threatens everyone. sometimes he means it. he is like the worlds shittiest chihuahua that just barks at everyone and you can never tell when he's gonna actually bite.

-trans dude no2. he/it. maims cis peo-

-listens to n unhealthy amount of metal music in his free time

-very into candles and incense, it drives pete crazy bc he has a sensitive nose

-the other goths have never seen his house bc firkle thinks his parents would be very weird about him having only older friends

-has a soft spot for shows like beyblade digimon and adventure time

-once watched all of switched at birth by himself just so he had something new to complain about everytime he met up with the goths. they offered to watch with him and he gave a very firm no.

-wants a pet opossum more than anything

-love language is being way too protective of ur friends who are way older than you and can handle themselves

-big dnd nerd

-in dire need of a regular sleep schedule but he also hates sleeping bc it feels like "wasted time"

-doesnt like asking for help but he tries to anyways bc he knows it makes the others happy

[realife-mermaid]

Reading Log for May/June

We are GETTING INTO THIS SHIT lmao I was behind in my goodreads goal and slacking on some of my reading goals so I tried to read more for May and June. Here is that effort, I think I did a fantastic job, and also I read a lot of books that I fOcking LOVED which was a nice change from the “mostly eh” pattern I’ve been stuck in.

I also bought a bunch of books (mostly starring queer and/or characters of color bc I realized my books feature way too many cishets) then inventoried all my books and redid my counts. And in June I ONLY read queer books as a “this is a gays only event go home!” power move on all the heterosexuals currently on my bookshelves. Can’t let those dudes get too cocky, they gotta know they’re on a Bisexual Bookshelf and they can’t be embarrassing me. So books 7 on are all queer in some way, and most of them were written by queer authors as well.

New Total Books Count: 184

New Unread Books Count: 94

Goodreads Goal: 49

This Place: 150 Years Retold Anthology - 3.5 stars. Eh. To be honest the summary was really misleading. I thought it would be more post apocalyptic takes on colonialism but instead it was mostly just straight history. Some of them did not have enough story for the pages they got and some of them had far too much story for the pages they got, or told them in a really awkward way. Still, seeing history centered from an Indigenous perspective was interesting and there’s some beautiful art here. Standouts include Red Clouds (read that one during daylight hours for my peace of mind if no one else’s lol), Rosie (BEST art by far), and Migwite’tmeg: We Remember It.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven by Sherman Alexie - 5 stars. I know he’s a grade A creep but I bought this several years ago before I knew that and I wanted to at least read it once. I both understand why it’s considered a classic (the stories about Norma, Samuel Builds-the-Fire, and James Many Horses really stuck me with specifically) but I can also Really pick up on Alexie’s opinions of women lol.

Clockwork Prince by Cassie Clare - 4.5 Stars. So much better than the first one. Felt like there was more going on, the romantic scenes are SO beautifully romantic, the character arcs more well defined, and the writing really improved. Still too long, and idc what she says, Jem should have gotten a POV chapter and the fact that he didn’t bc ~plot reasons~ is just laziness, so I knocked half a star off. Also, the audiobook I listened to was AWESOME, the male voice did such a good job, and the female voice improved as well.

Mongrels by Stephen Graham Jones - 5 stars. This was a solid, 4 star horror urban fantasy/coming of age story and then the last two chapters just punched me in the chest and took it into “absolute favorites” category. Told from the point of view of the nameless nephew who may or may not be a werewolf, raised by his werewolf aunt and uncle, who have been on the move since his grandfather died, it’s a fantastic horror book and a fresh take on werewolves and also just a great book.

Luck of the Titanic by Stacey Lee - 5 stars. Historical fiction about a Chinese aspiring acrobat who boards the titanic in the hopes of reconnecting with her twin brother. It’s SO GOOD, so engaging, with characters that feel so alive and painfully real. Loved it and loved being emotionally destroyed by the ending. The injustice of what happened to the lower class passengers really STUCK with me, I had to sit with my feelings after.

Among Others by Jo Walton - 5 stars. I don’t even know how to describe how much I loved it. I think The Book Thief might have a rival for my affections. It’s magic realism about a girl named Mor in, as she puts it, the Scouring of the Shire section of the story. Evil has been defeated, so what do you do next? It’s about grief, disability, abuse, and the power of connection and love and LIFE and I cried reading it. Everyone should read it.

Nature Poem by Tommy Pico - 4 stars. This was an audiobook listen and I loved hearing his narration. Very animated and fun. The poem itself is very interesting and there’s quite a few bits that really stuck with me about like Indigenous Experience and also about being gay and Indigenous. Excited to read more of his work.

Space Opera by Catherynne Valente - 5 stars. I would like to formally apologize to my friend Addi @monstersandheartache who recommended this to me like a year ago and I dragged my feet on reading it because I’m a dumbass holy shit. So funny, so witty, so zany, and yet so ripe with emotion. It’s Eurovision in Space and pays homage to sci-fi and glam rock, and the general overreaching theme reminds me a lot, of all things, Pacific Rim - it’s a humanist ballad of queer rockstars singing to (and often fucking and flirting with) aliens and it’s so damn good.

Beast by Brie Spangler - 3 stars. The writing was solid, I liked how Jamie as a trans girl was written to be very Aware of how others perceive her but just ignoring it bc she’s here to Have Fun, and the beginning was very good but the characters went from lovably dumb to plain annoying around the 70% mark. There comes a point when there has to be more to the plot than “I say something dumb, we argue, don’t talk, and then make up” ya know. Disappointing bc I was looking forward to this one.

Howl and Other Poems by Allen Ginsburg - 3 stars. I think every teenager should read howl because that’s when it’s most gonna resonate, when it’s the first time you’ve read something like this, because the Beat Generation WAS the first time they were doing this. Now though, there’s so many poems that say similar things that the moment of “I didn’t know other people felt like this” won’t ring as true. I did really like A Supermarket in California.

Fortitude Smashed by Taylor Brooke - 3 stars. This is one of those “clock runs out when you meet your soulmate” stories and it was really boring. There were also a lot of PoV switches, like multiple in one chapter and I found it distracting and annoying.

No Man of Woman Born by Ana Mardoll - 5 stars. It’s a short story compilation about trans characters subverting gendered prophecies. Really smart, interesting world building and it also juggled giving characters personalities with very little time to do it incredibly well. I liked the third story about Nociem (awesome world building) and the sweet wish dragon story at the ending.

Selected Poems of Oscar Wilde by Oscar Wilde - 4 stars. I wasn’t like, exactly sure how to rate this because the prose is beautiful, Ballad of Reading Gaol is just amazing, and several other poems really spoke to me and then BAM anti-semitic reference to the merchant of Venice. It was a lot, but also, I liked it enough I might finally read his other stuff.

Cinnamon Blade by Shira Glassman - 3 stars. It’s sort of urban fantasy esque erotic short and tbh, I think if it had been a full length novel I might have liked it more. Just too much going on in the background, and Soledad didn’t really have a personality beyond “quirky.”

Girls Made of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan - 5 stars. This is a heavy book. It’s centered around a girl named Lei from the paper caste, the lowest caste, who is forced to be a concubine for the demon king. While there, she comes to grips with the oppression her people face and falls in love with another concubine, Wren. The love story is sweet and well developed but this is a difficult book. I was unsettled and panicked the whole time I read, just like Lei is forced to be. The rough, vivid, and fascinating world building makes this an awesome, but disturbing read. I’m so excited to be deeply unsettled when I read the sequel.

Marriage of Unconvenience by Chelsea M. Cameron - 3.5 stars. Sweet, cute, and funny but it reads more like fanfic than a novel in a bad way. Like, it really needed a round of edits and also the backgrounds characters change personalities a few times. But still a fun and cute story about a lesbian who marries her best friend for the money, only for the two women to fall in love.

Our Bloody Pearl by DN Bryn - 3 stars. The concept is great but the dialogue was weird and preachy and the narrative voice was sooooo boring. It’s cute but forgettable and a lot to get through.

The Cursebreaker Countess by Sasha L. Miller - 4 stars. Kas breaks a curse on a sleeping woman named Anika mostly because the curse freaks her out, only to get dragged into a political feud involving magic that she barely understands. This was slow moving, more adventure fantasy than high fantasy, but I liked the slow pace. It was like unraveling a knot. Also Kas and Anika are awesome characters separately and as a couple they’re adorable.

Heart and Hand by Rebel Carter - 4.5 stars. Julie answers an ad for a mail order bride, packing up from her high society life to move to the Montana terrifies - except she will be marrying not one man, but a pair of best friends. I thought this was MMF bc it was on a bunch of “Bi love interests” and MMF lists but it is in fact MFM, which was slightly annoying bc the relationship between Will and Forest was incredibly romantic and it felt like a waste of a great dynamic. So I knocked off half a star. Otherwise this was a really solid read. Incredibly well written with a town that is well developed as it’s own entity, and three characters that all have lovely arcs. It’s steamy, romantic, and sugar sweet and I loved it (also WoC in a historical AND a triad romance? Bro sign me UP).

Peter Darling by Austin Chant - 5 stars. Once again I should never doubt Addi ever because holy crap this was so good. Peter Pan goes back to Neverland only to find that since he’s grown up, Neverland doesn’t appeal like it used to, but neither can he go home, to where he would never be accepted as Peter, but forced to live as his assigned gender at birth. This is like. Immaculate. Beautifully written, fast paced, romantic, heartbreaking, but with an ending that feels so full of hope. Not wrapped up with a neat bow, but instead looking to the future.

New Books Read: 19

Rereads: 1

Total of Books Read: 14/94; 19/184

Goodreads Goal: 30/49

[swordmaid]

Brienne / Jaime / Samwise / Eowyn

brienne

favorite thing about them: difficult to answer because i talk about them everyday but i enjoy how the presence of choice is always present in her everything. it was her choice to follow renly, to serve catelyn, to keep her promise to catelyn, to find jaime’s honor. she is never forced to do anything; everything she has done is by her own choice which is such an interesting juxtaposition to characters like catelyn where they are very much tied down and limited by their society and how they expect women to be. brienne on the other hand, has the luxury of choice--which is a freedom on itself, but that is not to say she isn’t limited by their society. she still IS, but it’s interesting how she managed to achieve that semblance of freedom even though it isn’t since she’ll still being evaluated to their standards (and unlike cat, she’s being evaluated as both a knight and a woman and she’s seen as a failure of both). i also like how--despite the cruelties thrown her way--she never perpetuates it even though she could have!!! easily!! and it’d be understandable if she does but she chooses not to do it. she even feels sympathy for the people who played the bet on her when she heard what happened to them which is super crazy like those dudes didn’t give a shit about her but here she is giving a shit about them even if it’s just for a moment and it’s just like...........wow. you are choosing to be like that and i love you for it

least favorite thing about them: worst taste in men.

favorite line: her whole speech in the quiet isle is so heartbreaking and also one of my favorite passages in the whole story. her saying that selwyn deserved to have daughters who will sing and dance in his halls, and a son that would give him honor but all he is left with is the freakish one that’s not fit to be a son or daughter first of all heartbreaking ): second of all the underlying implication that if she’s the one who died but her other siblings--whether it be galladon, arianne or alysanne--that lived then maybe selwyn wouldn’t be so dishonored is so!!!!! the survivor’s guilt of it all even though it’s not her fault!!!! and it’s really the way that she DID try to be alysanne/arianne, and she DID try to be galladon for him but none of the roles fit because she’s meant for something greater 😭😭😭😭

brOTP: pod and brienne ofc! next to pia and brienne, then sandor and brienne, and then sam and brienne.

OTP: jb

nOTP: tormund x brienne LOL we dont do that here

random headcanon: brienne likes to write poetry and she wrote a bunch dedicated to renly LOL. her old poems are stashed in the bottom of her trunk, collecting dust in her childhood room.

unpopular opinion: brienne’s self-righteous, judgemental and stubborn nature is not as explored nor brought up when talking about her character tbh and i feel like that facet of her character shouldn’t be ignored. when we explore her flaws, it’s usually about her naiveté which is fair since she IS naive--but that’s not her only flaw lol

song i associate with them: rabbit heart (raise it up) by florence + the machine

favorite picture of them: erika’s drawing of brienne in her tarth armour is one of my favourite pieces ever + this one with dunk’s shield!!!

jaime

favorite thing about them: his pov in asos is what made me like him tbh he is just SO well written, and his character is compelling and interesting. his relationship with knighthood is so interesting too like he is THE stereotypical knight in shining armor except he’s not that. he is just so disillusioned by knighthood but he still continues to follow it despite all, and it’s really the way that his identity has been formed and given to him to wear!! from being tywin’s son, then cersei’s mirror, then the kingsguard then the kingslayer and it’s like none of these identities were made by his own hands but he wears them because they’re a role to play and that’s what he knows what to do, but then he suddenly learns to step back and craft his own identity and be whoever what he wants to be it’s like..........what are u gonna be huh!!!!! it’s like there is a mirror but the person on the other side has never been HIM till now i am going insane. and i was talking about the presence of choice being present for brienne but for jaime.........it isn’t .....not really.............not till now.

least favorite thing about them: that scene where he touched cleos’ mushy head was disgusting

favorite line: how can such a night be beautiful? he asked himself. why would the stars want to look down on such as me? which is so WAAH THE DRAMA. but it’s also the loneliness and the yearning and it’s grasping for something that he can never hold, arms outstretched to hold on to something so far away and it’s also about the celestial imagery of the stars and it’s relationship with brienne (the evenstar) and arthur dayne (star of the morning) and how those two are honorable knights but jaime is not!!! and why would they look down on someone such as him!!!! fuck.

brOTP: his relationship with tyrion ): i also like ilyn and jaime, and pia and jaime. sandor and jaime would be interesting as well since that’s like ~the two beasts~ for their respective batb

OTP: jb :\

nOTP: jaime/sansa lmao

random headcanon: jaime has a fat ass. like i know he’s canonically skinny now because of his imprisonment but you’re gonna have to pry jaime with thick thighs and fat ass away from my cold dead manicured fingernails

unpopular opinion: he’s going to live by the end <3

song i associate with them: time in a tree by raleigh ritchie

favorite picture of them: fawn’s drawing of jaime being a dilf ):

samwise

mind you i haven’t read the books so im going by the film lol

favorite thing about them: their everything <3 )):

least favorite thing about them: i dont think im allowed to say shit about sam tbh i feel like im gonna be tasered if i do

favorite line: it’s your sam!!!!!!!! and also i can’t carry it for you but i can carry you waaah

brOTP: frodo/sam

OTP: frodo/sam

nOTP: um idk

random headcanon: they’re super hot but that’s not a headcanon

unpopular opinion: nothing i love them

song i associate with them: i think how was your day? by mellow fellow fits them

favorite picture of them: this one bc it’s so cute kekeke

eowyn

favorite thing about them: they had very cute outfits honestly i think her wardrobe was my favorite out of everyone

least favorite thing about them: not enough screen time

favorite line: her iconic i am no man line ig

brOTP: eowyn and merry!

OTP: i would say with that guy she ended up with but i also dont know HOW they got together?? like 🧍

nOTP: n/a

random headcanon: idk enough about her to make hcs

unpopular opinion: i thought the aragorn one-sided romance was a bit ? lol like why are you hitting on him he already told you he got someone else

song i associate with them: king and lionheart by of monster and men ig but im not so sure and that’s so general

favorite picture of them: i haven’t seen much eowyn content to have a fave pic sorry!!

[redxblueihateloveyou]

You know it's always really funny to me when mhs say that had it not been for swimming Haru and Rin would've never become friends bc I'm like, that's how relationships work???? You initially connect bc of something you have in common and go from there???? In that case you can also apply it to mh bc if Haru and Makoto had not been neighbors since they were young they probably would've never become friends either, but nobody wants to mention that bc then their argument crumbles lol

Anyways, your blog is literally the best and your rh (and general) takes are always so nice to read

I'm... same, I just do not understand what’s new about this? Like my mom and dad met while they were both working at school, if I started talking with a guy cause he told me that he liked my chibi Akashi bag and anime, is this not allowed? This in no way means that that’s all we like about each other or smth, this means this one thing brought us together.

This is the reason why I dislike mh fans so much. Because the majority of them instead of posting some canon facts and truthful arguments, they either twist some words into something unrecognizable, either try to change a rh moment into mh. I just always thought ppl ship things for what they are, not what they are not...

And the main problem in this happening and the error in their equation is Haru. Cause they’re trying so hard to sew him into that but with everything he says and do he constantly falls off and they end up with mako-haha. It’s like they say that Makoto is the reason that Haru walks into his future, which is hilarious tbh, and the next movie airs and what do you know Haru is yelling at Rin’s face how “he only walks towards the future and wants it bc of him”, they say that s2 relay teams are what they truly want which everyone knows ain’t true and boom drama airs and Haru and Rin are talking how it’s not the same if they’re not together on the team. They air all the birthday stories and oh no, Rin is special again. I remember how they were running around after that frfr! episode, where Rin tries to make Haru laugh and Makoto says he actually already heard it before and turns out it was kid Haru’s evil laugh in his sleep at school. Like what is so special about that? And how is this mh related? Haru was cutely laughing watching Rin sleep and just reading his text.. that’s yeah, that’s the reason to fuss.

Their problem is always Haru, he never fits their mh plan like ever. But do they listen to him? No. Because we have a moment IN THE ANIME, where Haru says “RIN, I WANT TO BE LIKE YOU, TOO.” meaning he wants to be as brave/daring/passionate, etc. cause Rin represents freedom for him. Okay, I’d get why some needed me to post an arguments list for “Rin doesn’t like Haru only for his swimming”, which is still hilarious to me, but okay, he does have a kink in books about Haru moving in the water and goes about it for several pages, but with Haru this is actually not the case. 

I don’t know if anyone noticed it, but swimming is not what attracts Haru the most about Rin and never was. It’s his character and state of mind and the way he makes him feel aka free. It doesn’t matter what they do, like whether they eat their rolls or draw new years fortunes. Haru said his whole body is on fire just when he looks at Rin and he doesn’t even notice how he starts smiling when Rin talks to him. It’s just the way he makes him feel. And swimming has nothing to do with that. Sorry, guys lmao.

Did they seriously just erase this moment, when Rin writes how he wants swim as fast as Haru in his letter, but Haru looks at the sky and he has this kaleidoscope of Rin’s pic in his mind and what he says next is "Rin, I want to be like you, too.” 

And he means what he says. It’s not about the swimming truly, he admires the fact that Rin follows his dreams with such passionate determination. Mind the fact that moments of Rin that flash before his eyes in this moment a) when Rin openly gushes about Haru’s swimming in front of everyone; b) when he yells in front of the whole class that if he wants a relay with Haru, he will bloody get it; c) his swimming; d) when he tells Haru that he’s a sight he never saw before he’s gonna show him the sight he’s never seen before. It’s about how what Rin wants, Rin fights for until he gets it. Haru is in love with his passion, always was, always will be.

Haru doesn’t want to “swim like Rin” although they did compliment each other by saying “I find your strength amazing” “but I find your stamina amazing”, and Haru always drools about the power behind Rin’s strokes, but Haru swims in his own beautiful way. And while he adores the way Rin swims, that’s still not his favorite thing about Rin and never was. Every time he talks about Rin it’s always about his personality and surprisingly... it’s rarely about swimming. When he thinks about Rin it’s always stuff like... how he is so colorful and intense and full of life and passionate about his dreams and how he stands out among everyone else to him, not about his swimming skills. 

So this argument is dumb AF tbh. I’m like.. yeah, and Lan Zhan loves Wei Ying for his demonic cultivation skills. Not because of his strong character, daring heart and his incredible ability to tick him off and light his cold ass on fire.

P.S. Seriously tho this is the first shipping base I see who just always for some reason does this stupid thing with finding a crumb and actively trying to make it into a bread but then realise it’s realistically impossible so they just replace it with a plastic one and pretend it’s real. This in fact makes your ship ridiculous. You can’t try to push the line that Rin is abusive (thats still lol) and how Makoto is better for Haru, since Rin did everything to make Haru reach his dream and made him happy and he’s the only one who can help Haru, when he feels down like in s2 and then with Albert and etc. Makoto can’t. It’s the truth, just let it go. I know there are not much positives sides in mh relationships to be honest in my opinion, but there are still some (?). Why not base your arguments on truth? Like at least it’s gonna be mh, not some imaginary thing. Either love mh for mh or don’t. Like yeah, Haru doesn’t resiprocate, but maybe one-sided stuff is your kink, ok, explore this, fine, but don’t try to make Haru into somebody else. Then it’s not your ship anymore.

It’s just funny to me like that Rin here writes poems about Haru and openly flirts with him in restaurants and plans their future together and I don’t even need to exagerate anything, it’s just how it really is and meanwhile mh is like “remember how 7 years ago Utsumi said that Rin and Haru wouldn’t be friends if it wasn’t for swimming, so mh is the shit”.. like I’m sorry, but I think I’m allowed to laugh at this. Sometimes you just have to let it go, seriously. Or at least like idk think before you post (and I know that it has like 3 retweets and no one cares, but still 3 ppl agreed and it reached me somehow, so..). My policy is when I create posts about my ships is validation. Like my last Rinharu facts youtube post got 5K likes, I didn’t post my thoughts, just their moments and at the end I specifically said “I have links/translations to all of this, so name thing you want to read, I’ll link you” and I linked everyone whatever they wanted. 

This is how you tell ppl a story of why you love this ship and make them fall in love with it, too. Not by making up lies about what’s not there and twisting someone’s words (like this person wrote “thats what she really meant *adds complete nonsense*). And I know mh do not have any of this stuff that rh have, but if you really ship mh, find something real and go from there. Seriously, it’s better if you have smth small, but real, than a huge lie.

Also I still think ship is about two people, not just one. Why mh don’t want to listen to anything Haru says or wants like at all? That’s just sad. 

P.P.S. Thanks for liking my blog, this makes me so happy <3<3<3

[thevoidcannotbefilled]

Web!Martin.... Oh boy. Gonna shake the hornet’s nest with this one, but I’ve spent like three days on this editing and re-editing, and I’m finally satisfied with my kind of an essay at this point. 

So, here’s a deep dive as to why I think Web!Martin has merits. (Scroll to the bottom of my essay for my TLDR). 

Introduction

First, to get some stuff out of the way:

Do I think Martin is a sleeper agent? Do I think that he has been manipulating Jon this entire time or even in just season 5 for the games of the Web? Do I think he's a bunch of spiders in a Martin suit? Do I think he's regards the Mother as his Mother and accepts that he is her Son? Is Martn actively Webby? 

No. Absolutely not. None of the above. The Martin we know is the Martin we began with, just with a bunch of trauma and has gained the ability to set his boundaries.

I find the idea of sleeper agent Martin or something similar to be very counterintuitive to the overall narrative. Not only is TMA about choices, and to have Martin be a sleeper agent would be to deny all of Martin's choices this season in particular, but it doesn't really lead to much. At best it's a gotcha and a surprise at worst it's making literally every interaction between Jon and Martin, with Martin himself, and so on mean nothing for the sake of one twist and make it sad. It's not fun in long term, and so at the end of the day, I trust Jonny and Alex as writers more than that. (Plus we already did the "person is replaced" thing).

Does Martin being a manipulator actively mean that he is a Web avatar?

Short answer, no. 

Long answer, I made a post awhile back, and while it was for fandom things, I think it applies well here. What power you choose to align yourself with isn’t necessarily something you’d fully commit to. It is just, if you were an avatar and willing to hurt others for your own gain, what would you find yourself most aligned with.  What I mean by that, just because Martin lies and manipulates doesn’t mean that he is Web, however, manipulation is a tool does fit well with the Web, and if he were to choose to align himself to that, I think he could be Webby. However, he is not necessarily a Web avatar because he has no motivation to hurt people. 

That being said I do think Martin would be a good fit for the Web if he wanted to be, and I think there will be a point in the narrative that there is a potential that he could become one, even if he does not necessarily choose to be in the end. 

Let’s talk about it.

Evidence

I think the best way to describe Web!Martin on my end is this: if Martin had an inclination to be an avatar, he would be the Web because everything from his aesthetics to his skillsets line up with the Web, but he does not have any reason to be Webby and in fact, at the very least as of MAG169, should actively be against the Web’s goals. 

But that doesn’t mean his connection to the Web hasn’t been heavily foreshadowed or built up. Not all of these are of the same level, I admit that, so I’m just gonna bold the ones that are the most important.  These aren’t in any particular order. 

-For season 1 subtext, said he liked spiders In This First Appearance MAG22, in MAG38 Jon says that Martin gives them lectures on the importance of spiders for the environment, and MAG39, “it’s just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too.” 

-IN MAG79, his poem has a line in it that goes, “"the threads of people walking, living, loving" which is very Web-like. 

-During the Web statement he read in season 3, he said “that wasn’t so bad, actually!” (MAG110) when he finished after showing open disdain for the others he read. The only other statement he didn’t think was bad to read was the Lonely one (MAG108), a power he canonical has ties to. 

-The only person in the show so far of the main cast that has had direct contact with Annabelle Cane. The only other people that have had contact with her are her victims (Creature Feature, MAG110) or her people she used as tools (Web Development, MAG123). 

-Let himself be guided to put the tapes on top of the coffin when the tapes, which have shown a direct association with both the Web and the Eye. 

- Martin’s “lo-fi charm” and “retro-aesthetic” (various) versus Annabelle “She dressed like a vintage clothing store exploded on her” (MAG69)

-Uses lying and manipulation as his main tactic against people and is acknowledged that manipulation is a skillset of his. By Jonah mostly, but he was able to successfully manipulate both Peter and Jonah. 

-In MAG117, he said "I’m not afraid for me, though. Isn’t that weird? I mean, it’s not like I’m going to be safe, like my plan’s not dangerous, but it’s, it’s mine. This last couple of years, I’ve always been running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but, but now it’s my trap, and, well, I think it’ll work. I know, I know it’s not exactly intricate, but it felt good weaving my own little web." and he then added after it with "oh good lord is Martin becoming some sort of spider person', no, Jon, just an expression.” 

-Martin having a bad relationship with his mother versus Mother of Puppets.

-The Web and the Desolation actively dislike one another (MAG139), and fire is Martin’s most hated pain (MAG169). 

-Martin is the primary investigator in Recluse (MAG59), Arachnophobia (MAG16), and was the one to find and give the Cracked Foundation (MAG114) to Jon. All of which are Web statements. 

-The delivery of the table and the lighter were technically both given to Martin since he was the one who talked to Breekon and Hope. 

-Martin was the first one to mention the Web lighter in season 5 in MAG162. 

What Does This Mean

Now I will admit none of these things on their own mean Web!Martin. They’re something you might describe a Web!avatar yes, but not Martin on his own (like I said just because Martin can be a manipulator doesn’t mean he is a Web avatar).

In fact, with elements like Martin finding fire his least favorite pain, I adore the meta on Martin’s trauma about giving himself up for other people led to him disliking fire and the lack of care from his mother, also leading to that. It is an excellent metaphor that fits incredibly well with his character. That being said, these factors can coexist. Martin disliking fire can both be a metaphor for his own self-destruction for the sake of others and be hints toward Web!Martin. 

HOWEVER, that all being said, even if these moments on their own don’t mean Web!Martin proof, I find it a bit unreasonable to entirely dismiss all of this either. There are too many coincidences lining up with the Web to not be intentional. It could be a red herring of course, but if it is a red herring.....well, Jonny put a hella of a lot of effort into making the Web!Martin red herring considering how much of his little details align so well with the small and big details of the Web. 

But assuming that this info does align together in all its Webiness... does this mean Web!Martin? 

Again, at the moment, I don’t think Martin is actively Webby. 

At his heart, Martin wants to do two things: 1) Protect Jon and 2) Protect as many other innocents he can in the process. 

As ironic as it is: "I want to find out what's going on. I want to save Jon. I want everyone to be fine and, you know what? If we were all happy that wouldn't actually be the end of the world” and “I want them to be safe. I need him to be okay” are basically the sum of Martin’s motivations from here to now. Martin wants a happy ending. And he’ll use whatever tools he can to do that. 

So asking questions from dangerous people like Simon Fairchild? For the protection of the world from what he thought was from the Extinction.

Burning up statements and burning up the cabin? The Desolation would like that, if it wasn’t for the fact he does so to decrease the fear in the world. 

And manipulating others? Peter? Jonah? Both of these weren’t to cause fear. They were at their heart to help others. 

Using the tools that the powers use does not mean you’re of that power. Martin’s most effective tool is to manipulate others bc they underestimate him or they trust him to do what needs to be done. People tend to have a single view of him. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have other tactics, but with both Peter and Elias, it’s clear he knows how to use others’ egos against them. 

Season 5 and Web!Martin

This ALL being said...... Season 5 is a lot about the nature of power (what to do with it and what it means to use it) and what you can do in inherently toxic systems. We just learned that killing its leaders does nothing when the system itself is built to actively hurt others. That smiting doesn’t actively make things better. The Web is actively doing something at the moment and possibly with the Distortion as well that will probably hurt Jon and Martin. 

But..... 

I’m worried about the possibility that the Web can promise a world with a happy ending like Martin always wanted and with no other options within the world, Martin chooses to let himself become a tool for the Web. Now to make this clear: Does Web!Martin give a happy ending or even a better world? No. Absolutely not. Can the Web possibly promise to give him the power to get a happy ending? Depends on if Martin will believe it.

If Web!Martin is a thing, it would be in doing so What He Thinks would be in both of their best interests and most importantly as his lowest point and final resort. That he stops believing that they have power to change the world on their own. When he believes he has no power left and all he can do to make the world better is to go to the one source that always seems to understand what’s going on. Because as of yet, he doesn’t have the motivations to be a Web avatar, but we’re slowly creeping into territory where he might think it is necessary to be one. 

(We already had best case scenario where the Web asks Martin to join him and Martin says no. He could say no again, of course, but I don’t know if the Web will be as understanding of his reluctance in time). 

For me, Web!Martin is on the same level of tragedy as Jon being the Archivist. Yes, there would be choices, but Martin would have been actively been manipulated by the Web just as much as Jon would be hurt by the Eye, even if it’s for entirely different reasons. He would be used as a tool in a greater game. Jon wants to be a good person. Martin wants to have a happy ending. We already know Jon’s desire to help the people around him has gotten him multiple marks. I can definitely see a world where Martin’s desire for a happy ending is used against him by the Web. 

I can see a world where Martin lies to Jon because he thinks that’s what’s best for the two of them. I can see a world where he doesn’t lie to Jon but still accepts the power of the Web anyway despite Jon not thinking it’s a good idea. I don’t think either HAVE happened yet. We aren’t at that point, but... 

Whatever the case, whatever plan the Web may have it highly involves one Mister Blackwood and his Archivist. And for the Web’s plans, Martin plays a key part of in it. 

Other Theories and How Web Martin Plays Into It

So, do I think that’s where the plot will end? With Web!Martin betraying Jon bc he thinks it will be best? Not really. I think a lot of the point will also be that while Martin fits the Web well, his inherent desire for a better world makes it so he’s not an avatar. It’s the same points I made before: aesthetically, Martin fits the Web well and could be a good avatar in association, but he doesn’t WANT to hurt innocents. And ultimately, no matter his potential goals, Martin loves and cares for the world and especially for Jon. There could be a mistake in there made by Martin, where the Web has his clutches in him, but I don’t see a world where that is his ultimate conclusion. 

I’ve also seen a theory where Martin uses Webby shenanigans to his advantage against Annabelle Cane. Where the manipulator becomes the manipulated and the tragedy is the sacrifice of himself for the sake of a happy ending he’ll never see. 

I’m interested in seeing if Jonah making Martin the backup Archivist goes anywhere, especially with the uncertain connection between the tapes, the Eye, the Web, and the Archivist. Does this have anything to do with why Martin felt like he had to listen to Jon? Does this have anything to do with how he slapped Jon out of a statement? Could both of these elements also have something to do with the Web? 

I’m also very intrigued on what Web Development was doing when they have something called a “story-spinner” and yet when the story-spinner was described it sounded almost exactly like an Archivist, but instead when you give a story, the spinner killed someone. Could the story-spinner have anything to do with the previous back-up Archivist? Could they just be entirely separate things? 

Who knows what it all means? I don’t. That’s why I’m not discounting anything, especially with something that has so much set-up and subtext as Web!Martin. Whether Web!Martin means full avatar or not isn’t clear to me, but I’m taking any and all potential red-tape moments and running with them. If it means being pulled by a red-herring, so be it, but I won’t dismiss anything until proven otherwise. As long as Martin wants to do good and have a happy ending, I don’t think the Web can fully get him at least not in the ways that count. But I won’t stop investigating the narrative on what these elements could lead up to. 

Conclusion 

This post was made in frustration. I admit that. There is a distaste for Web!Martin that has been approaching the fandom that I don’t entirely understand. I’m not saying you have to like it, heck I admit, I could be entirely wrong. I also agree it’s a bit annoying that every interaction that Martin and Jon have come up under scrutiny for Martin potentially being Webby by the fandom. That’s why I started this post as I did because I don’t find the narrative of “Martin Is The Evil Bad Guy Manipulating Jon From The Beginning” all that compelling and wanted to put that to rest early. 

I do, though, find it frustrating dismissing all elements of Web!Martin because of this. At the end of the day, I find there are too many elements in the text to entirely dismiss it and an outright rejection of Web!Martin can potentially lead to dissatisfaction with the narrative. I make this post as an explanation and exploration of my thoughts, and a way to show why so many fans like the Web!Martin theory. Take it or leave it, it’s fine, but I wanted to gather all my thoughts clearly in one place rather than in a bunch of snippy posts. I hope I’ve done that well enough. 

TLDR: Web!Martin for me is a potential, a threat, and a possibility, but not something I think is actively happening at the moment. Martin would make a good fit for an avatar if he wanted to be, but at the moment, has no motivation to do so. However, with the ever decreasing options to save the end of the world, I can see a situation where Web!Martin is a thing that he actively thinks could save it. 

That being said, Martin is inherently a character that wants to do GOOD in the world, and as long as that’s the case, even if that motivation is used against him, I don’t think he will be proven wrong that the world can be good and he has the power to make it so, or at the very least, I don’t think his journey will end on a dower note, even if it is a tragic one. The tragedy will be in the cost of saving the world or something similar, and whether or not Web!Martin is the case, I don’t think that will change. That being said, there are many potential theories on what could happen, and I don’t want to miss any of them, Web or not. This post has been made in somewhat defense as to why people like Web!Martin and continue to theorize about it, but also in reassurance that even if we do get Web!Martin that it doesn’t mean a destruction of Martin’s character.

[dwellordream]

“…Frankly, in many cases, the view that our categories can be cleanly retrojected into the past clearly comes from the assumption of Big, Important biological differences that would somehow make groups today considered ‘white’ more compatible even in the deep past when they themselves defined their groups very differently (or, to put it another way, the emphasis on ‘were the Romans white?’ accepts unscientific, garbage-nonsense racial categories as fundamentally true in a way that they simply aren’t; the easy Roman integration of North Africa compared to the difficulties of Roman Britain and Germany ought to be fatal to this view in any event).

This is not to say that the ancients were unaware that people came in different colors. One striking example is Asclepiades of Samos’ poem (c. 270 BC or so) praising the beauty of a black woman named Didyme:

Didyme has captured me with her eyes,

Alas! And I melt like wax before a flame

When I behold her beauty.

And if she’s black, so what?

Coals are too, and yet when we heat them

They glow like rose petals

(Trans. Larry Bean from Sententiae Antiquae, which also features the original text and a discussion)

It is worth taking a brief aside that even in the early third century BC, εἰ δὲ μέλαινα (‘and if she’s black…’) was a line that could be put in a poem without a whole lot of other context. The reader is assumed to have no problem creating a mental image of a woman both κάλη (‘beautiful’) and μέλαινα (‘black’), a good reminder that Africans (including those with darker skin) were not new to the Mediterranean but rather a regular sight in the towns and markets of the ancient Mediterranean. After all, the Mediterranean borders Africa on one side and was in essence not a barrier but a great highway knitting together far distant communities in networks of trade, discourse and warfare.

Likewise, even a brief reading of the ethnographically oriented authors in the Greek and Roman literary traditions shows an awareness of different skin colors, though it also shows that such authors were far more interested in customs and religion than skin color… They also considered significant chunks of Africa and Asia, at least as far as India to be as much part of their ‘inhabited world’ as Europe (ironically it was Britain – again – which, being on the wrong side of Okeanos, was conceptually the furthest away in at least some Greek and Roman geographic conceptions).

And therein lies a key point. As we’ve already seen, the Romans found other cultural signifiers – language, citizenship, social organization – more important than skin-color in understanding ‘who someone was.’ Ethnicity – the ‘stock’ or people one’s ancestors came from – might matter (both positively and negatively), but skin-color was at most ancillary to that (recall that in all of the Roman bigotry from last week, we saw several references to clothing, accusations of greed, deceptiveness, debauchery, attacks on religious customs, but only one passing reference to color).

Again, this should not be mistaken for modern tolerance! The Romans could be – as we’ve seen – very bigoted towards other peoples and cultures, but people were far more likely to be described through religion, language, culture or clothing – the Romans were, after all the ‘people of the toga’ (gens togata, e.g. Vergil, Aeneid 1.282, Martial 14.124) – than by the color of their skin. Indeed, clothing in particular was a potent marker of Romanness and readers from last week may recall that it was the trousers – not the skin – of the Gauls to which the Romans objected when Caesar introduced some into the Senate (Suet. Caes. 76.2, 80.2). Such ‘uniforms of citizenship’ matter a great deal, as we’ll see in a moment.

Consequently, I have to note that as a historian, we ought to take ethnic classifications from the time and place when considering ethnic groups, rather than striving to impose our equally arbitrary classifications. And so that is what I have endeavored to do so far, focusing on the ethnic, linguistic and religious distinctions that mattered to the Romans in the three previous posts in this series. But we all know there is a certain sort of reader who won’t accept any of this if we don’t discuss skin color.

So we are going to discuss skin color, though I should note this isn’t quite the same thing as discussing race. The question “were the Romans white?” is one of those ‘not even wrong’ questions because white/non-white was simply not a distinction that very much mattered to the Romans, who, after all tended to view many supposedly ‘white’ people as more distant or foreign to them (e.g. Gauls, Britons, Germans) than many people who would be regarded today as ‘non-white’ (North Africans being the most obvious example).

The thing is, while skin-tone is a real physical, biological thing, racial categories are ‘socially constructed’ (read: made up by people and not fundamentally rooted in the natural world) and different cultures and different times define them differently. Famously, some groups seen as obviously, clearly ‘white’ today were excluded from narrower definitions even relatively recently in the United States. And so the question ‘what race were the Romans’ is fundamentally flawed because it relies on importing a set of racial categories that the Romans didn’t use.

- Bret Devereaux, “The Queen’s Latin or Who Were the Romans? Part IV: The Color of Purple.”

[potteresque-ire]

Is Cho Chang a Racist Stereotype? - [2] Her House

Another very long post (this time Confucius comes to say hello). My thoughts are under the cut.

Once again, this isn’t a JKR discussion. This is my 2nd post on whether I think it’s fair to call Cho Chang a racist stereotype. The 1st one is here.

My short answer is still no.

Another critique I’ve seen of Cho Chang’s portrayal is that she was a Ravenclaw, which fit into the “smart Asian” stereotype.

But what, exactly, is “Ravenclaw smart” and “Asian smart”? I think it’s worth investigating. Intelligence comes in many forms, and the allegation would only be valid if the two kinds of “smart” are equivalent.

Here’s what the books and JKR, via Pottermore, have said about “Ravenclaw smart”:

“if you've a ready mind, Where those of wit and learning, Will always find their kind;”

“Wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure.”

“…our people are the most individual – some might even call them eccentrics. But geniuses are often out of step with ordinary folk…” 

"Most of the greatest wizarding inventors and innovators were in our house…”

The day-to-day illustration of “Ravenclaw smart” was the answering of riddles to enter the common room. A good answer was “well-reasoned”, and it was known that the door would refuse to open until such an answer was provided, which sometimes led to long discussions outside the common room by the locked-out students. Another manifestation of “Ravenclaw smart” was described as going “full-nerd” on a subject that wasn’t necessarily practical or popular (ovomancy was the example given on Pottermore).

Since “wit” was such a heavily used word in Ravenclaw’s description, I looked up its definition as well.

* Intelligence and the ability to think quickly (Cambridge dictionary) * Mental sharpness and inventiveness; keen intelligence; a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humour (Google) * The ability to relate seemingly disparate things so as to illuminate or amuse (Merriam Webster) * Wit is the ability to use words or ideas in an amusing, clever, and imaginative way. (Collins)

My understanding of “Ravenclaw smart” from this info is: the ability to connect dots freely and nimbly. Social norms and expectations are noted, but happily disregarded if they get in the way. “Ravenclaw smart” is by nature argumentative and open-ended. It expects the dot-connecting to lead to places, but doesn’t have a specific place in mind; all endpoints are valid and welcomed as long as they’re logically sound. The strength of “Ravenclaw smart” is it leads to revolutionary innovations; its tendency to unbridle itself from social needs and expectations, however, can lead to amoral/immoral behaviour (Lockhart). The wisdom from “Ravenclaw smart” is also in danger of being ignored or misunderstood when its owner makes insufficient effort to make it comprehensible, or accessible to others (Luna, and likely, Rowena Ravenclaw.)

Those who’ve studied under an East Asian education system (especially in the 90s), or those who’re familiar with those systems, probably know by now where this discussion is leading to.

“Ravenclaw smart” isn’t “Asian smart”. It’s … about the opposite of Asian smart.

What is “Asian smart”? Outside this discussion, any kind of intelligence. But here, I’ll restrict it to the kind of smartness that leads to the racist allegation, the kind of Westerners typically associate with East Asian students (such as Cho Chang, who, for the sake of simplicity, I’ll assume is Chinese from this point on; however, the arguments will likely still stand if she was, for example, Korean, for reasons that will be clear later on). The kind of smartness that is good at math, that gets the highest scores in exams and seems to understand everything. Never asks questions, never makes trouble.

"Asian smart” sounds great. But what if I suggest the following “dark sides” to it?

1) Good at math: with practice, lower level maths are likely to require the least reasoning among school subjects, with their unambiguous, close-ended answers. A child who has done 7x9 enough times no longer need to calculate or think through the logic of their answer. They write down what they’ve memorised by repetition — 63 — and get full score.

2) High scorer: does everything as told. Prioritise the wishes of authority (teachers, parents) above everything else.

3) Seems to understand everything, never asks questions: views knowledge as “model answers” to be regurgitated in exams. Whether it makes sense doesn’t matter.

These are very cynical takes, aren’t they? I’ve cast in these students in a very negative light.

But what if this negative light isn’t negative at all if these students have stayed in the land of their ancestors? What if these “cynical takes” were considered virtues for the budding Chinese scholars of old?

What if “Asian smart” is purely a consequence of history and culture?

First of all, if you ask “Asian smart” students and they’re honest with you, most would tell you that their smartness isn’t the product of miracles or extra brain juice. Some would say it’s not even intelligence. It is the direct result of extra hours spent at the desk.

What is their motivation? Are Chinese children simply born to be extra hardworking?

Perhaps it’s their so-called “tiger moms”? If then, are Chinese moms born more … feline?

The answers, as you may expect, are no, Chinese aren’t born any different from other races. Their drive to study can largely be explained by an ancient, nation-wide exam system known as the imperial examination system (Ke-Ju, 科舉), plus a dude with a name of Confucius.

Many are aware that Chinese have long considered scholastic aptitude as important. But how long is long? The answer: 1.4 millennia. The imperial examination system, or Ke-Ju, began in 605 AD and while the system had evolved over time, the gist of it was this: students participated in locals exams and the “winners” moved up to the county, then provincial levels etc, until the students who’d won all previous exams sat for the final one in the capital palace, at times proctored by the Emperor, where the grand winners would be decided. The Ke-Ju system was essential in shaping Chinese’s attitude towards academic achievements, because the final top 3 winners, regardless of birth, would be hired by the Imperial Court (+ in some cases, get to marry a princess!).

Ancient Chinese studied and studied and studied for that reason; Ke-Ju was one of the very few social ladders available to commoners, who mostly lived in poverty. The Chinese folklore-scape has therefore been filled with “inspirational” stories about how people overcame exceptionally challenging studying conditions (like this one) to become successful in some way.

How, exactly, does Ke-Ju shape the traditional Chinese view towards studying and education?

1) Historically, Chinese views studying as a means to a better life. The pursuit of knowledge was secondary. The modern analogy to studying hard in ancient China is working three part-time jobs to pay the mortgage for a house, and there is, in fact, a famous Chinese idiom that reflects this: 書中自有黃金屋 (“In the books, there is a golden house”). According to the poem (勸學詩) where the idiom came from (written by an Emperor, by the way: 宋真宗, ~ 1000 BCE), other things found in books included high wages paid in food, beauties, chariots and horses. All practical stuff.

2) Because of 1), getting high scores, or “winning” the exams, was seen as the paramount goal of studying. Far less emphasis was put on understanding the exam material. The teachers of ancient Chinese schools (私塾) were known for doing little explaining; instead, they made recite passages and expected them to figure out the meanings by themselves later. The attitude that scores are everything was further fuelled by the fact that the Emperor had the final say on the result of Ke-Ju — the Emperor who’d most probably claimed the throne by genetics and was not always the most intelligent or knowledgable. While the ability to formulate well-researched and well-reasoned answers helped tremendously, the most important skill for the final Ke-Ju winner was, therefore, the ability to guess what the Emperor wanted to hear, and sometimes, what they wanted to see (there were instances where the Emperor swapped the rankings because they found the original victor too ugly).  

ie. The most important skill was to know the Emperor’s Answer, and to be able to frame it as the winner’s own perspective even if the winner didn’t, in reality, believe in a single word of it.

3) The tradition of having an “Emperor’s Answer” means its modern equivalent, having an “one and only” model answer, have remained the norm in education systems in many Chinese-speaking communities. Many educators have asked for reforms, argued that model answers discourage independent thinking and creativity, but teachers have also been trained on model answers and they’re often unsure of their own opinions, and at times, fearful that they’ll pass on a “wrong” perspective to their students. The latter is especially true in places under authoritarian rule, where school lessons must follow closely the regime’s propaganda (which can be vastly different from year to year).

You may wonder then: but certainly, the students would revolt. How could children learn in such a stifling environment for so long?

This is where Confucius (孔丘, 551-478 BC) comes in. The education system is only a slice of a culture where authority is not to be questioned, where silence is seen as a virtue even among the youngest of children.

Many may know Confucius to be a philosopher, but he was also a political advisor and not a very popular one. I’ve half-jokingly summed up his slogan as “Make China Great Again”, as he lamented his era for having lost the social etiquette and order of several centuries before, and he was set on bringing them back. He researched on rites and rituals that were already old for his time, postulating that every detail of how people behaved around each other would affect social harmony. Social order, he believed, could be achieved by people respecting and obeying their elders, not only in their thoughts but also in their day-to-day behaviour, which was to be bound with a set of intricate rules that dictated their word choices, actions and even postures according to the situation and kinship between the interacting individuals (a fun video here showing a Confucian rite, including the sheer variety of Confucian bows). The elders would, in return, take care of those with less authority than they had, share with them their wisdom.

Confucius also believed that harmony of the world could be achieved by self-discipline from the base level of the society to the top. In this “discipline pyramid”, individuals sat at the bottom. The discipline of families came above it, in which elder generations of each family reined in the rebellious younger ones, made each family a true unit where its members were unified in thoughts and actions. The nation (government) then exerted its authority on families and cured their conflicts — to drive this point home, the term 父母官 has remained in use in China today, which likens the government officials (官) to parents (父母) and constituents to children who should listen to their parents (imagine someone likening Boris Johnson, or Donald Trump, as your father). Finally, the world, with the Emperor as its ruler, smothers the insurgences among nations to achieve the ultimate order and harmony. (修身、齊家、治國、平天下).

Confucius did put a big asterisk in his theory. For this “discipline pyramid” to work, the asterisk said, the Emperor who’d establish the final world order must be a good one. The problem was: most Emperors thought they were pretty good. Confucius’ philosophy appealed to them because the Emperor sat at the pinnacle of this power structure, and as each level ruled over the one below, the lowest level — the individual commoners — had so many constraints piled on them that their individuality was stripped. This made governing much easier.

And so, while Confucius’ political theories were not particularly popular during his lifetime, Confucianism became the official school of philosophy for Chinese imperial courts after ~100 BC. China’s immense power in the ancient world meant Confucianism also became the prominent school of philosophy in its sphere of influence, which included, among others, the modern nations of Japan, S. Korea and Vietnam, all of which also held their own versions of Ke-Ju.

(Hence, this post would very likely remain valid if Cho Chang was Korean.)

In addition to locating talents among commoners, the Ke-Ju system further cemented Confucianism as the “proper” school of thought because it required the students to learn Confucian texts. These students, who would also become disseminators of knowledge outside the Imperial Court, would bring Confucianism to the commoners who’d practise it as well, as a display of cultured upbringing, in the hopes that their descendants would one day know it well enough to enter the Imperial Court. The discipline pyramid soon infiltrated every aspect of Chinese culture, and Confucianism became Imperial China’s tool for reinforcing social hierarchy and a social stabilizer. It remained revered in all levels of the Chinese society until, during the Cultural Revolution (1966-76), the Red Guards, with the blessings of Mao Ze-Dong, made an all out-attack on Confucian values and while remnants of them have survived in China’s social fabric, they’re largely in tatters (As a result, the best places to observe the legacy of Confucianism nowadays are in Japan, S. Korea and Taiwan.)

Back to the “Asian smart”. “Asian smart” was an impression built from students who were (children of) recent immigrants from Confucianism-influenced communities. Students who’d been educated in the tradition of those who’d sat in the ancient schools, their backs ramrod straight and spoken only when called, their mouths opening only to satisfy the teachers’ requests because teachers were the authority in the classroom and never to be questioned. Students who’d expected an Emperor’s Answer to every exam question, the answer that was, always, the final word. Students who’d studied hard because golden houses could be found in the books.

This “Asian smart” is as different as can be from “Ravenclaw smart”. Asian smart is quiet and unquestioning, while Ravenclaw smart challenges and argues. Asian smart views knowledge as a servant of society, while Ravenclaw smart sees knowledge, and the pursuit thereof, as lording over social expectations. Asian smart is about reinforcing social order while Ravenclaw smart is about breaking the mould. Asian smart has groomed the establishment for over a thousand years while Ravenclaw smart has nurtured eccentrics.

Of note, this disparity between the two “smarts” doesn’t mean one is superior to another. Our current pandemic has made a case for Confucian collectivism; individuals in E. Asian countries have shown themselves to be more willing to sacrifice personal freedoms and aesthetics for the sake of their communities, more comfortable at obeying new rules despite the questions of their need have yet be answered satisfactorily by science, and the benefits of these attitudes have been reflected in the case and death counts. The pandemic has also reminded us of the importance of knowledge that serves society (for example, epidemiological research, vaccine development, contact tracing), even if it’s not always the most exciting. Healthcare is a discipline that requires a “no ifs and buts, no matter how well-reasoned” attitude towards certain rules (how to put on and remove PPEs, for example).

Anyway, I digressed! The conclusion I have, after so many words, is this: Cho Chang being assigned Ravenclaw isn’t racist stereotyping, as some have alleged. I can appreciate where the allegation comes from. The common association with intelligence aside, many sorting tests have also tied academic achievements to Ravenclaw, even though Ravenclaws were never described as book smart in the series. But the allegation doesn’t hold up well after an investigation into the way Ravenclaw House was written, and the kind of smartness Cho Chang was expected to have if it was, indeed, race-based.

It doesn’t mean, I’d like to note, that some Asians aren’t being unfairly judged because parts of our society still hold the false impression that our racial group are somehow born to excel in academics or any work where maths are involved. I understand—I truly do—the frustrations of having one’s accomplishments belittled, attributed to a quirk in the DNA that doesn’t exist. I’ve, too, had to certify that my Mom is 100% human, free of the tiger too many times.

But the HP books cannot be blamed for that, and the longer the blame is placed on something that doesn’t deserve it, the longer the focus, and effort is shifted away from the actual problem and its potential solutions. The time and words spent on such “call-outs” can be better spent, I believe, by explaining how the misconception of “smart Asians” can affect real people like you and me.

And like Cho Chang, perhaps, if we love to think about the HP world. If her classmates wondered why she wasn’t the top of her class for her year, why she wasn’t famously book-smart like Hermione Granger to win them some house points. Why did she sign up for Quidditch? Why would any Asian, never mind a tiny, fragile E. Asian girl like her, even think about touching sports? Shouldn’t she be studying? Learning advanced arithmancy even though their OWLS were still a year away?

And Cho would come back to the common room hours later, flushed with sweat and smiling, and announced that she’d made seeker.

[mousehole5000]

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng  back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.”  CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well.  okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think

[1000-directions]

rbb because it gave me a heart attack #trauma and also ughhHhhHhhhh bc mood

lolllllll people in marvel fandom do NOT understand how some of us suffer when they abbreviate their reverse big bang as rbb!!!

this was the original draft of my winterhawk reverse big bang where clint is a musician and bucky is a trust fund kid who ends up joining the army or something and they’re boyfriends and then they break up and eventually get back together and it’s told partly in flashbacks and it was just getting TOO complicated to write and felt joyless and was making me completely miserable, so i threw it out after 2500 words and wrote winterhawk punks in love instead, which was the correct choice.

i will never finish it, but here is what i’ve got in case anyone is interested:

There are a lot of different things Clint could have done with his life.

Well, no. That’s a bit of an exaggeration.

But there are several things Clint could have done with his life. Multiple things. More than one thing.

But he doesn’t think any of those other things would have ever made him as happy and crazy and pissed-off and satisfied as singing does.

Whenever anyone asks, he’s very careful to call himself a writer. A composer. A creator. A musician. Like the making of the thing is the part that motivates him. Like performing is just an afterthought. Like singing is just something he has to do so the music makes sense. Because he knows he’s not a great singer. He’s passable. He can keep a beat and hit all the notes in his limited range, and he gets just enough inflection and passion into the words to make people feel a thing, sometimes.

He’s good at the writing. He’s good at the deceptively simple arrangements. His voice is the least he has to offer, and he knows it, and it feels kind of foolish and indulgent to especially savor the part that he’s objectively the worst at. But Christ, he loves doing it, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

*

The two of them had ditched work early, saving up all their smoke breaks until it was suddenly 2:40, and the manager had no choice but to cut them loose. And even though they had permission, it felt like getting away with something, and Clint twisted his fingers into Bucky’s grasp as they ran down the sidewalk together. Clint darted recklessly into the intersection, and Bucky jerked him back at the last second as a truck came barrelling past, honking furiously at the two of them. And it was so close to being bad, but it was fine, fine, fine, and Clint laughed as Bucky shook his head, and Clint linked his arms around Bucky’s neck and kissed him right there in the middle of the street.

They were twenty, and they were in love. And nothing was serious but that.

It was a hot summer at the shore, and they were living in a shitty beach house with three other friends. They spent their mornings and afternoons scooping ice cream at a popular local shop that was more famous than good. And then at night, they’d go drinking at the scummier bars that were a little more lax on carding, or they’d build a bonfire on the beach and drink Yuenglings purchased with Clint’s really good fake ID. And inevitably, someone would have an acoustic guitar, and someone would start shouting out requests, and they’d get drunker and noisier as the night went on.

And then Clint would grab Bucky’s hand with a mischievous glint in his eyes, and they’d strip down to nothing and run into the ocean in the dark, screaming down the moon. And then they’d huddle together in one towel, letting the fire dry their hair until it was curly and crispy. And then they’d all stomp out the fire and gather up the red Solo cups, and Bucky and Clint would push their two futons together into one rickety big bed, and they would fall asleep in each others’ arms, salty and sandy and worn out.

Bucky woke up early most days to go for a run. He was in the Army Reserves, and he had to stay in shape, and Clint certainly wasn’t complaining about what the workouts did for his boyfriend’s physique. Clint was starting at technical school in the fall, studying to be an audio mixer. Things would be changing soon, but not just then.

That summer, time was lazy and endless. Bucky would come back from his run and lay his sweaty body down on top of Clint’s, kissing him awake, and they’d rub off against each other until they both came. Or they’d dart away from their friends in the middle of dinner, running up to their room and barely getting the door locked before Clint was shoving down Bucky’s pants to get his mouth on his cock.

And some nights, they were painstakingly tender, just kissing for what felt like hours before they even took their clothes off. Bucky liked things a little rough, and Clint liked things a little sweet, and they’d found something in the middle that was perfect for both of them.

“Just fucking hold me down and make me feel it, Clint,” Bucky would say sometimes, and Clint would kiss his jaw and tug his hair a little and fuck into him harder until Bucky was crying out beneath him.

It was their first summer, and everything was perfect.

*

At thirty, Clint is starting to fall into the sorts of routines that a younger version of himself would have detested.

Even worse...he kinda likes it.

But there’s just something soothing and comforting about knowing what’s ahead. Sure, it’s romantic to think about being a starving artist, but the reality of it wasn’t so sexy. Turns out that if you don’t work, you don’t get paid. And sometimes in the music industry, you don’t get paid even when you do work. So Clint works his ass off. All the time. He’s still riding a bubble, and he’s gonna ride the hell out of it until it breaks.

He wakes up, and he makes coffee. He fills his travel mug, and he and Lucky take a lazy walk through the park. Clint listens to the birds chirp, and he slurps his coffee, and he hides behind his sunglasses and doesn’t make eye contact with any of his well-meaning neighbors. Too early for that shit.

He goes back home, and Lucky inevitably fucks off somewhere to nap while Clint stretches. He’d tried meditation, but he can’t bear being quite that alone with his own thoughts. He can be alone with his body, though. He runs through his muscle groups, mindfully and thoughtfully working out the best way to stretch his sternocleidomastoid or his serratus anterior. He likes how he feels afterwards, all loose and wiggly, and it puts him in a good frame of mind for a morning listening session.

He has a second cup of coffee in his sunroom while he listens to the playback from the previous day. He combs through voicenotes and reads old journals, idly recalling stories about himself. He doesn’t create anything just yet. He listens with an open mind. And then he listens a second time, and he absorbs, and he makes notes about what he likes or how something could be different.

And then he sets a timer for forty minutes while he has lunch in front of the TV, and he fucks around on his email for a bit, and sometimes if he eats real fast he jerks off. And sometimes if he’s been seeing someone, he texts them, catches up, makes plans for later. Sometimes he plays video games. Sometimes he remembers to water his plants.

(Mostly, he jerks off.)

And then it’s back to work in the afternoon. More coffee. More listening, but this time with editing, rerecording, rewriting. He creates new voicenotes. He jots down new lyrics. He thinks about things he wants to talk about someday that he’s not ready to talk about now.

And then in the late afternoon, he ventures out of the house again. He goes to a cafe, or he grabs some more coffee, or he goes to the bank or the grocery store or the mall. And he exists among people, the way his therapist told him to. And he smiles at three strangers, and he overhears people’s conversations, and he reminds himself that there is an entire universe outside his head, just like there’s an entire universe inside of it.

And then he goes home, makes dinner, jerks off, swaps his coffee for whiskey, waits until he gets really, really tired, and then…

Then he fucking sings.

*

They got the band name from one of the weird, macabre love poems that Clint was always painstakingly copying down into his notebooks, trying to record the bits of weird beauty he saw in the world that mirrored the strangeness he sensed inside of himself. He felt less alone to see strangeness in others.

My darling, I will love you until the winter hawk cleans my bones And in her desperation, she will discover that my flesh only tastes of you

“It’s so gross,” Bucky had said with a curious sort of awe, and Clint felt so vulnerable in the silence that followed, because it was gross, but it was important to him.

Clint wanted to be so fucking in love that it chewed him up. He wanted love to shred him with her talons. And he could imagine himself getting there with Bucky. He thought they could be epic. He was still holding back some secret parts of himself, but if he let those go, he thought he could love Bucky so hard that it consumed him and he finally, finally lost himself.

And Bucky kept staring at the words scrawled in Clint’s notebook, traced his fingertip over the blue ink, following the same pattern Clint’s pen had taken as he’d lovingly copied down the words. And there was a furrow in his brow as he read and reread, and just as Clint thought he might explode from the anticipation, Bucky looked up at him with a small smile.

“I get it, I think,” he said slowly. “The desperation, I mean.”

“Yeah?” Clint wasn’t sure he was even breathing anymore, he was so close to losing it.

“The way a predator becomes a scavenger,” Bucky said thoughtfully, and there it was, that nerdy side of Bucky that Clint loved so fiercely. “Taking the scraps if that’s the only choice you have. Being just...so hungry.” He ran his thumb over Clint’s wrist, and Clint shivered.

“Hungry how?” he managed to croak out.

“Feel like I could just eat you up sometimes,” Bucky murmured. “When I first met you, I didn’t think you even liked me at all.”

“I did, though,” Clint protested weakly. “I was crazy about you from that first time I saw you.”

“I didn’t know it,” Bucky said. “Didn’t even know if I really liked boys or not, but I wanted you, and it felt like….” He frowned and looked at his thumb slowing arcing over Clint’s skin. “Felt like it didn’t even matter if you liked me back. Just me liking you was so much. And I would have eaten any scrap of anything you gave me, baby.”

“And now?” Clint asked, and his heart was an out-of-control metronome.

“Same thing now,” Bucky said, chewing on his lip. “Any bit of you I could have. I’d eat up all you gave me and I’d starve for more before I wanted a single damn bite of anyone else.”

“I love you,” Clint had whispered then, the first time he’d said those words out loud to anyone.

“I love you, too,” Bucky had replied, a hopeful smile breaking across his face and scrunching up his eyes, and Clint was so terrified and relieved and happy that he could barely stand it.

They pushed their mouths together and tried to kiss, but neither of them could stop grinning long enough to make it work.

*

Clint goes to therapy once a month. He takes his Lexapro every night. He has a notebook full of therapy homework, and he makes lists of his accomplishments and his failures, and when he goes to therapy, he shows up with an agenda. He is working to fix multiple parts of his life. He makes progress in different areas, a step on one path, a leap on another, a little stumble here. He’s an amoeba, and his pseudopods creep towards his goals, engulfing and consuming one after the other, slow and steady.

Get a dog? Check.

Learn how to cook healthy(ish) meals? Check.

Spend more time outside? Check.

Stop being so hateful towards myself? Check(ish).

Learn how to have sex with someone without falling in love with him? Check.

Learn how to have sex with someone without immediately thinking of Bucky afterwards?

Well.

It’s a work in progress.

*

Something flashbacky about being deaf

*

Clint’s newest album is called Mono Songs for a Stereo World, and all he’s finished so far is the title and the concept.

He connected with Tony Stark at SxSW last year and drunkenly talked his ear off about his idea to create songs for people with hearing conditions, mixed specifically to accommodate their abilities. He’d woken up the next morning with a raging hangover and a three minute voicemail from Tony describing the prototype software he’d slapped together. And now they’re...not exactly partners, but Clint comes up with ideas, and Tony turns them into reality.

And now Clint has all the technology he needs to create a fully customizable digital album. Fans will be directed to a website that tests their hearing, determines what wavelengths they can detect at which volumes, and then Tony’s tech will generate a downloadable version of Clint’s album that sits perfectly within their range of hearing. It works flawlessly. They’re probably not going to make much money off of it, but Clint’s been working his whole life towards something like this, and he can’t believe how close he finally is.

So all he needs to do is, like. Find some inspiration somewhere and write ten to twelve songs and then record all of them and mix them once and then feed them into Tony’s algorithm and re-mix the songs and then do maybe 40 test mixes on each one.

Simple, really.

*

It was easy for the two of them to form a band. Clint was always writing his weird poetry, and Bucky loved it. Loved the sound of his voice wrapping around the shapes of his words. And Bucky was good enough with a guitar, and it was just one more way for them to be together. It just made sense.

They called the band Winterhawk, and sure, Clint probably always took it a little more seriously than Bucky did, but that was Clint. He threw himself into everything like that back then, reckless and headstrong and passionate and unafraid. He loved Bucky so much, and he loved the band so much, and Bucky loved him and the band, too. Maybe just a little less, but still plenty enough for Clint.

Summer ended, and they found a reasonably priced studio apartment in the city. Bucky paid most of the rent, but he had a trust fund he was still working his way through before his parents disinherited him, plus he made great tips bartending.

wip title game

[luthienne]

How does one let go? Of another, of one's self, of the life you thought you were living. Do you know any fitting poems or quotes describing the phenomenon of moving forward?

I’m not sure that I’ve ever let go of anything in my entire life. This Anne Carson quote always seems to sum up my thoughts in four succinct lines:

I find the phenomenon of letting go so inextricably tied with the idea of healing or recovery, perhaps because that’s what the desire to “let go” and move forward looks like for me. How do you let go of something that happened to you or within you, something that has altered your conception of the world from one day to the next, that has altered your own perception of yourself, of who you thought you were or could be, of what you thought your life would be? How to come to terms with the reality that there is no return to who you were before? 

For me it’s less a deliberate choice to brush my hands together and “let go”, but more simply putting one foot in front of the other every day until I find myself in a (perhaps even just slightly) different place than before. It’s allowing myself to grieve what I thought my life would be, and also allowing space to hold gratitude for what my life contains. It’s waiting for everything inside of me and around me to shatter, and meanwhile still moving forward. It’s allowing myself to realize that I’m still here and I’m still a whole person, even if the pieces of me have shattered and rearranged themselves into something I don’t necessarily always recognize. It’s sitting alone with myself, with the silence that sometimes makes a home of my throat, with the restlessness beneath my skin, with the fear that who I am becoming won’t be enough, and moving anyway in any direction but back. It’s sitting with grief and shame and bitterness and groundlessness, and understanding that these feelings are temporary, and not things be used to validate my fears or distortions.

I think the deliberate choice involved for me is the one to allow space for growth, to not cling so tightly to past hopes or ideas that there is no longer any room for anything else, anything new, anything different. It’s allowing myself the belief and compassionate understanding that I can be something other than I thought or hoped I would be, and it’s ok. I think sometimes we deny ourselves chances to grow or change because of the shame we feel that we have failed, and to deny ourselves those opportunities for growth would be the real shame. What others believe does not matter—that we have invested ourselves utterly in a relationship that failed is no shame on us, that we have invested ourselves utterly in a dream or a hope that just didn’t work out is no shame on us. I think the worst thing is to remain in a place that is no longer serving us for fear of appearing the failure to others. There is so much opportunity to be had in letting go of one thing, anything, to make room for something else.

I don’t know that this compilation of poetry, essays, literature, and letters will offer any insight, or comfort, or guidance. Letting go must surely be an intensely personal process, an intensely personal thing, a different kind of animal for everyone—but still there seem to be some universal experiences. So these are some of the words that came to mind for me—whether they touch on grappling with the impossibility of letting go and moving forward, the hope of it, the desire for it, the loneliness of it, or the frustration with it (bc of course it’s something that cannot be forced, only something that can be allowed):

“What could I have grown up to be? What kind of human woman, what kind of simple, happy thing? If I had never been broken on a bird’s wing. If I had never seen the world naked. I want to be myself again…I want to stop knowing everything I know.”

Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless

“On the surface, I was poised, cool, indifferent. […] The discrepancy between what I would show the world and the chaos I felt grew steadily more intense.”

Louise Glück, Proofs & Theories: Essays on Poetry

“There were glimpses, moments, breathing spaces of calm, but all the rest of the time it was like living in a house that couldn’t be cured of the habit of catching on fire, on a ship that got wrecked every day.” 

Katherine Mansfield, “At the Bay”

“Words can’t describe the wound. / Perhaps more importantly / words alone / can’t heal the wound.”

Emily Pettit, “Hands Like Lighters”

“But sometimes words are the only hands / we have to touch a bruised memory / or cleanse a wound that never healed / or lift a body we carried for years / at last to the pyre of shared grief.”

Fred Dings, Eulogy for a Private Man

“I sat on a gray stone bench / and placed my grief / in the mouth of language, / the only thing that would grieve with me.” 

Lisel Mueller, Alive Together: Poems

“I am not myself, and cannot ever be / again. I am my own emptiness, trying to fill my emptiness / with words.”

Robert Kroetsch, “Letters to Salonika”

“Now that I’m free to be myself, who am I? / Can’t fly, can’t run, and see how slowly I walk.”

Mary Oliver, from Blue Iris

“Can I never escape this interminable mourning for myself?”

Susan Sontag, from Reborn

“The light of the moon poured down; its beauty, / its radiance. / And I grieved and grieved. I grieved for so long.”

from Phoebus was gone, all gone, his journey over (tr. Eavan Boland)

“When will, when will, when will it be enough, / the saying and lamenting?” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, Uncollected Poems

“…she was only trying to smooth out something she had been given years ago folded up;”

Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

“It seemed increasingly impossible to remember a time when I had been fully alive, impossible to imagine a future in which I would live that way again.” 

Louise Glück, Proofs & Theories: Essays on Poetry

“Everything is so fragile. I feel so lost. I live off secret, radiating, luminous rays that would smother me if I didn’t cover them with a heavy cloak of false certainties. God help me: I have no one to guide me and it’s dark again.”

Clarice Lispector, The Stream of Life

“Make a place for yourself in the darkness and wait there. Be there.”

Denise Levertov, To Stay Alive

“Losing is also ours; and even forgetting has its shape in the permanent realm of change. Things we’ve let go of circle; and though we’re rarely at the center of these circles: they trace around us the unbroken figure.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, “For Hans Corossa” (tr. Edward Snow)

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. / It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”

Mary Oliver, “The Uses of Sorrow”

“Things take us hard, no question. / How do you make it, all the way from here to morning?”

Adrienne Rich, Diving into the Wreck

“Following a fearful night I do not quite / remember came a kind / of dawn, not light, / But something we could see by.”

Edna St. Vincent Millay, “Dream of Saba”

“Afterward, you go back to the old place—all that remains is char: blackness and emptiness. You think: how could I live here? But it was different then, even last summer. The earth behaved as though nothing could go wrong with it. One match was all it took. But at the right time—it had to be the right time. The field parched, dry—the deadness in place already so to speak.” 

Louise Glück, Averno

“…the longing, not for something distant or remote, but for what is lost forever, something that can never return.”

Henia Karmel, A Wall of Two

“When a thing’s gone, it’s gone. It’s over and done with. Let it go then! Ignore it, and comfort yourself, if you do want comforting, with the thought that you never do recover the same thing that you lose. It’s always a new thing. The moment it leaves you, it’s changed.”

Katherine Mansfield, “Je ne parle pas français”

“I cannot go back now. […] For me to go back is impossible, now or later.”

Marina Tsvetaeva, from a letter to Boris Pasternak

“There comes a day when the trees / refuse to let you pass / until you name them.”

Lisel Mueller, Second Language: Poems

“Anyway, it’s in grappling with things at the source that you can tell best whether a thing is worth continuing or not… In other words, everything is worth investigating, wasting time over, if it interests you. There is always a deep, unconcealed reason why it interests you.”

Henry Miller, from a letter to Anaïs Nin 

“We only live by somehow absorbing the past—changing it. I mean really examining it and dividing what is important from what is not (for there is waste) and transforming it so that it becomes a part of the life of the spirit and we are free of it. It’s no longer our personal past, it’s just in the highest possible sense, our servant. I mean that it is no longer our master.”

Katherine Mansfield, from a letter to J.M. Murry

“…only one thing is urgently needed: to attach oneself with unconditional purpose somewhere to nature, to what is strong, striving and bright, and to move forward without guile, even if ithat means in the least important, daily matters. Each time we tackle something with joy, each time we open our eyes toward a yet untouched distance we transform not only this and the next moment, but we also rearrange and gradually assimilate the past inside of us.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Adelheid von der Marwitz

“Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.”

May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude

“One must let life run its course. The human being destroys so many things on his own, and it is not in his power to restore anything. Nature, by contrast, has all the power to heal as long as one does not eavesdrop or interrupt it.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Anita Forrer

“Do not try to be saved, but let redemption find you, as it certainly will. Love is its own rescue; for we, at our supremest, are but its trembling emblems.”

Emily Dickinson, from a letter to T.W. Higginson

“To take things easy, not to fight against the ebb and flow of life, but to give way to it—that was what was needed. It was the tension that was all wrong.”

Katherine Mansfield, “At the Bay”

“If you find yourself disappointing—drop self-expectations. What you are turning into you cannot expect to know, but you can trust it, and believe that if it is other than you planned, it will also be better than you planned—however different.”

Kahlil Gibran, from a letter to Mary Haskell

“To live in this world / you must be able / to do three things: / to love what is mortal; / to hold it / against your bones knowing / your own life depends on it; / and when the time comes to let it go, / to let it go.”

Mary Oliver, “At Blackwater Pond”