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kyojurosprettygirl · 1 year ago

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ok so... Gyomei and gorgon! reader? (like medusa) she turns ppl to stone of they look at her but he's blind, so he's immune. reader is very lonely and when she meets Gyomei they're happy to finally talk to someone. Gyomei also gets some eyewear so she doesn't hurt anyone else as they be together. she'd wear a cloak or hijab to hide her snakes. as they walk together and the snakes on reader's head also likes gyomei Hhehvibdnvjfnf

a/n: I love the way you think!!! GOSH, i feel this is perfect for Gyomei (UvvvU) I rarely see anyone write for Gyomei, so I was pretty excited to write for him, but very nervous as well! Since, I don't feel I know enough of his character, and as far as im aware, hasn't been animated in action that much. I can really only write him based on what I know from his wiki and manga... Hope this atleast meets your expectations!! also, because of my lack of knowledge in Hijabs, I decided not to use that as a cover for her snakes, simply to be respectful, apolgies in advance!!

love casted in the stones.

Gyomei Himejima x Gorgon! Fem! reader

a man with tremendous faith, who never once doubted his gods plans for him, how peculiar, you think. he had every right to give up on religion, would a god really cast blindness upon their child? hell, you see and hear your own brother curse the gods for who they made you and him to be on the daily. but, he never thought of it as a set-back, rather, a small exchange.

in life, balance is an important part of it to upkeep. the same way life does to death, and darkness does to light. unbalance would bring chaos, something you learned to understand. it cannot always be day, but it cannot always be night. to him, losing one sense simply acted as a sacrifice, let the illness take you, or, let the illness take your sight. losing your sight isn't a curse, its not something you'd willingly live without, sure, but what good will cursing the gods out because of it do for you? besides, you can't get it back, so why dwell on it? why dwell on something you cannot change? It is a part of you, why not embrace it?

but oh, does it get lonely...

"furukawa." your tone is stern and harsh, a drastic difference from the soft honey your tone usually held. he stutters and closes his eyes, furrowing his brows he sighs. you gently remove his prayer beads from his hands and kneel next to him, you look up at him expectantly and he kneels next to you. hes embarrassed you caught him in such a state.

having lost faith isn't something unheard of, it happens almost every day, infact gorgons are known to be faithless beings by default, but, cursing the gods you swear you don't believe in is unheard of. gorgons had no reason to believe in the higher powers when, lets face it, if they existed, they wouldn't curse the souls they created for no apparent reason. gorgons are faithless as a means to respect the gods, not to detest them. they know gods are supposed to love every being they sculpted, lead them to abundance and fortune, not into the hidden parts of the earth to live the rest of their lives as mere folktale and legends. but alas, 'lost' faith still lingers. deep down, gorgons still believe. the reason why is subjective, 'to each their own', but they all hold their arms out in hope. hope that they'll hear their desperate cries to allow them to live with the others who walk on the planet.

most your kind, mistaken as demons, had been killed in what the last of your kind knows as 'The Great Extinction'. you can't blame the humans, it was in their instincts to survive.. ugly faces that had snakes for hair...ones that couldn't wait to bite and poison you...glowing silver eyes that turn you to stone while your still alive, feeling the very painful change your body was going through.. your kind truly was demonic, but you didn't choose to live that way. You were innocent souls that had been dealt the unfortunate, forced to hide away simply for being born. it was a horrible fate, but, 'everything happens for a reason'

"it's a wonder this temple is still standing," you pause and look at him. he nods, his eyes casted to the floor. you tap his cheek and offer him a gentle smile, one he returns. "speak to me, Kaito." you place his prayer beads down, and face him. he opens his mouth to speak, but sighs. "i can't find the words." his snakes sensed his sadness and awoke to try and comfort him, but he simply brushes them away gently and orders them to stop. they sit still on his head the way hair naturally would, and close their eyes to rest once again. "we're not going to exist soon. after you and i die, that's it." you wince subtly and look to the side.

kaito and his grandfather had taken you and your grandmother away from where your kind had hidden themselves for generations, a group of humans having found it and planned an attack that killed them all. 'they've gotten smarter' kaitos grandfather said. 'used mirrors to kill us!' your grandmother shouted, anger filled her soul. after many weeks of hiding, once your grandparents deemed it safe to go back to your old home, you went back. you spent a year burying statues of those you called friends and family, and rebuilt one single home to live in. you and kaito went as far to bury humans statues simply because 'it was the right thing to do.' your grandmother died angry, and kaitos grandfather had died depressed.

"and maybe it's for the better, kaito." his brows furrow, frustration evident in his face. "we're going to all die out and never experience the way life was mean't to be lived. all we know is that demons walk upon us and eat everyone they see-" you pinch his arm, "we are apart of those demons kaito. that's what the humans see us as. monsters. they won't accept us with open arms, just one more issue to deal with. two of us versus millions of them. " he grunts. "you shouldn't curse the gods who keep us alive and hidden." he gets up. "oh, you mean the ones who keep us alive to mourn everyone whos died. keep us alive to hide and only see the sun for one hour a day. is that what we live for? is that what we thank them for? for absolutely nothing?" you stare and him and grab his prayer beads, gently fixing them into the correct position in his hands. you take your own prayer beads out and hold them, closing your eyes. "protect us. it's all i ask of you." kaito prays the same as you and smiles.

you and kaito venture out during the night, deciding to find ways to blend in as you traveled. for about two hours into the night all seemed fine, but a demon had made their way to you both, mistaking you as humans. she growled as she jumped at you and kaito, you and him barley missing her attack, and you looked at kaito for a plan. he shrugged and you realized she didn't turn to stone. your eyes widen as you speak, "she's immune to us, she's a demon.." kaitos eyes widen and he runs to grab you. he helps you to your feet and commands you to run. in a state of panic, you do as told, and its only when you hear a humans agonizing scream when you realize he wasn't following. "Kaito!" you scream, he turns around to face you and he looks afraid. You reach your hand out and run to him, "Kaito!" you scream again. He reaches his hand out to you, and your three feet away when a blade finds it's way infront of you, cleanly beheading him. You gasp and open your mouth to scream, it's silent. its once his head falls to the floor when you kneel down and find it in you to scream. You hold his head close to your body and weep. You look up at the demon slayer, making eye contact, and you don't realize your mistake until his arms are stuck in place. "im sorry! im sorry! im sorry!" you frantically repeat. his eyes widen and he screams in pain, you don't look away as you watch him turn to stone; punishing yourself. you made that bed, now you lay in it.

you stayed on the floor holding kaitos head until sunrise.

once you stood up, you analyzed the landscape and came to the conclusion that he had ripped off the demons head with his bare hands, his hands still having blood on them, and had made eye contact with the first demon slayers partner; turning her to stone, evident in the way her body stayed in a fighting position. mistaking him for a demon, her partner beheaded him, which led to the events that followed. you gently placed kaitos head down and lifted his limp body to drag him onto a bed of flowers near by. once you did you placed his head next to him and let the last few tears out. you grabbed the demon slayers and placed them near his body, gently, and placed yours and kaitos prayer beads around their neck.

"this is fucking sick." sanemi says. tengen looks at kaitos body and then the two slayers statues. "how disturbing.." he sighs. Sanemi looks at tengen, "so, what do you think this is?" tengen crosses his arms and looks at the scene again. "a demon, 's the only explanation." sanemi rolls his eyes, "Yeah, no shit. but what kind. we need to have an idea of what we're dealing with. we were sent to investigate and all you can conlcude is 'demon!'" tengen grunts and shrugs, scratching his head. "we won't know until we face it. for now, its just a demon that has the ability to turn people to stone." sanemi kicks Kaitos body, "and this?" tengen, not being able to think of anything shrugs at sanemi. sanemi hums to himself, "it might have the ability to turn humans into gorgon like creatures, having them do its dirty work,i mean.." sanemi pauses to pick up kaitos head from his dead snakes and holds it up for tengen to see. "snakes" tengen says. "well he's not a demon, he was beheaded and his bodies here, so he could be an extension that won't die until the main body does." tengen says, too serious for his liking he continues. "unflashy way to die if you ask me." sanemi stares tengen down and tengen laughs. "let's take this back, we need the others opinions as well." they make their way back to the headquarters to have another pillar meeting.

you spent what felt like years hiding in the forests, but it was only a few months. you only ever snuck into villages during the night to take food and maintain your hygiene, laying low for the rest of the time unknowingly giving people more reason to think of you as a demon and keeping the demon slayer corps on their feet. no matter what, the only evidence they had to go off of was village peoples words. there was too many people confirming you existed, but not enough proof that you were actually there. after those two slayers; they hadn't seen any more of people turning to stone, just stolen food and a shadowed figure with snakes sticking out of their silhouette. you weren't a danger to them. 'for now' they said. The master had decided to send a final order on your matter, to keep an eye out for you and if you were seen to behead you. You were no longer being scouted for, nor investigated, so you used this as your chance to freely wander around the forest as pleased, allowing yourself to indulge in the lushness of the earth. Kaito would've liked all of this.

it was lonely for the longest time, you hadn't used your voice in months and the forest became your home. you walked in its paths as a lonely soul, having forgotten the sound of kaitos and your grandmothers voice, so there was nothing to hold onto in those dark moments, deciding to allow yourself to get hurt by demons that crossed your path and only running when you heard foreign footsteps or when it got too painful.

your heart pumped in your chest, 'is this really what im doing now?' you thought to yourself. the cold wind caressed your sweaty body, cooling you down after your face off with death. the wind was silent, but created soft sounds with the trees leaves near by. you found yourself walking to the singular wisteria tree in the area, it was the biggest you'd seen and it was absolutely gorgeous. your snakes had awoken and they stayed still, a silent way to ask for permission, you giggle and say yes, they can play. they nuzzle your face and you begin to cry, an overwhelming feeling taking over you. you felt heavy weight come off of you as your snakes "stood" to play in the wisteria flowers. you laughed to yourself and let wisteria envelop your figure; finding comfort in such a beautiful sight , completely forgetting exactly what you were running from...

Mitsuri abruplty stops her chase, causing Gyomei to stop with her. "Kanroji?" Gyomei asks. she looks over at you as your engulfed in wisteria, completely fine, she stutters a little before getting her sentence out, "she's completely engulfed in wisteria, she seems completely fine." she gasps when she sees you grab into the flowers and cry, "she's grabbing it even, it's doing nothing to her! are we sure she's a demon?" Gyomei hums, "it's the only valid explaination Kanroji, she must be more powerful than we thought if she can withstand the wisteria." Mitsuri shakes her head, "No, Himejima! theres no way she's a demon. No matter what, demons experience effects from the flowers, if she only hurt three people, she's weak enough for it to paralyze her!" Gyomei nods, "i see." he states. They stay there and they debate their next move. "we must find a way to take her to the master." he says, Mitsuri hums in agreement, "should we just.." she pauses, "how are we going to do that.." Gyomei thinks for a moment, hearing your laughter causes thin tears to cascade over his face, "it sounds so innocent, so full of life" he thinks. "are you okay Gyomei?" mitsuri asks, he nods, "it's just because of her laughter." mitsuri quietly lets an 'oh' escape her, she always forget's that the smallest things can make him cry. she looks over at you and she can hear it too, she wonders how you can be so happy and caught in the moment. "mitsuri?" she looks over at gyomei, "Yes?" He turns his heaed to the sound of her voice, "can you describe her to me?" she smiles, "ofcourse, gyomei!" she takes you in and begins to speak after a moment. "She has many really long black snakes on her head, like hair it seems..and they're playing in the wisteria. beautiful eyes, ones that glow in a way similar to the moon. other than that, she looks completely human, as far as I can tell. she's wearing a black kimono, with small detailings that match the color of her eyes." she stares at gyomei expectingly, and smiles. "thankyou mitsuri" he says. she hums fondly as a way to say your welcome, and goes back to looking at you. she and gyomei begin to walk towards you, trying to stay far enough so that you don't get scared and so that you don't harm them. you hear mitsuri sheathe her blade and your head snaps to her, her snakes quickly snapping back onto your head and closing their eyes, going back to their usual resting state. you step back and cover your eyes, holding your free arm out. "no!" you scream, voice hoarse from lack of usage. "please," you get on your knees, "if i.." you let out a shakey breath, "if we make eyecontact, you will turn to stone." your lips quiver, and gyomei hears the almost silent whimper you let out. mitsuri steps back and looks away, urging gyomei to follow suit, instead, he plants himself in place. mitsuri isn't afraid, she just wants to make you feel safe enough so that you'll allow her to take you to Ubuyashiki. "does it apply to those who are blind?" he asks, and you calm down at the softness in his voice. "i don't want to find out." you say, and you panic as he removes your hand from your eyes. you gasp and shut your eyes. "she has her eyes shut Himejima.." mitsuri states. he closes his eyes, "my eyes are closed, you can look at me." you open one day to look at him, and it's then when you realize how much bigger he is than when you first saw him. he unexpectedly opens his eyes, and you panic at first, noting how he doesn't move, but then you realize he has no pupils. "so it must not apply to the blind then." he says, tears escape your eyes, "i guess not.." you say. you indulge in the moment, and carefully place your hands on his face, giving him an out. he doesn't move. "you.." you begin, your voice wavering. "i can look you safely in the eyes." you exhale a laugh in disbeleif and smile. he smiles back, being able to hear your smile. "you can." mitsuri softly says, trying her hardest to not look you in the eyes, and suddenly, your no longer conscious.

your body lays infront of them in the shaded area of the garden as four demon slayers keep their blades pointed at your neck. the pillars talking among each other, some bickering about what they think you are, as they wait for the master to make his appearance. "we had it under control!" mitsuri states, the lower ranked demon slayer huffs. "didn't seem like it. the sun was coming up and we needed to get that demon to the master before the sun killed it." gyomei sighs, "you are mistaken, she's not a demon. the wisteria would have paralyzed her if she was" mitsuri nods and huffs. the kakushi near by hits the demon slayer in the head. "watch how you talk to the hashira!" you wake up and gasp as one of the blade inchs close to your neck. you catch yourself before you look up at the demon slayer and push your head down, causing the other blade to dig intself into your neck. letting out a yelp, it silences all the hashira. they quickly look above their heads to avoid making eyecontact and meet eyes with gyomei. He can't see you, but he can hear you well enough to know where you are and looks your way regardless. you keep your eyes locked on gyomei.

after a very long meeting,not everyone is fond of you. you are a danger, a small mistake will lead to bigger ends. but gyomei still insists that you aren't, explaining what he knows to his comrades, trying to get them to understand. once the meeting ends, and you apologize to the master for having turned two of his children to stone. he gives you his condolonces for losing your brother, and you decide to stay where you were and face the wall. you weren't demon, but you might as well have been one, atleast then they'd have a reason to get rid of you, atleast then they won't feel like they'll have to watch out for you for the rest of their time in the corps. you couldn't go to the villages, but you couldn't stay out in the forest, you were split. Ubuyashiki decided to have you be under Shinobu's care, since she seemed the most levelheaded in the situation. She agreed, as long as the master gave her time to prepare the butterfly girls and until she knew enough about you. he agreed.

gyomei sits next to you, to keep you company he says. and you both sit there for awhile. just enjoying each others presence. you hum a lullaby softly, and you both stay in silence until the end of it. once you stop, gyomei speaks up. "what is it you said you were?" he asks softly, trying to keep the peaceful atmosphere. "a gorgon" you say, and he hums. "i see." you snicker at that, "no you don't". and you cover your mouth, you had forgotten he wasn't your friend, it might be seen as rude. you open your mouth to apologize and he laughs. "i'll give you that one, that was hilarious!" he calms down and clears his throat. "it's not often that people joke with me, especially about my sight. they fear they'll hit a nerve if they do." you breathe out, "i just thought i did.." he hums and smiles. "stone breather, they said," you start, you hesitate, "do you like, breathe real stone?" he snickers. "i'll explain it to you, if you explain your eyes and hair to me." you giggle and shake his hand in a flimsy manner, "deal!" you say.

"are they just, staring at a wall?" Obanai says. Mitsuri shakes her head quickly, "no, they're falling in love!" he nods to her as a way to say 'okay, whatever you say' and she walks infront of Obanai. "just wait!" she perks up, "you should've seen them when we first found her!" she puts her hands on her cheeks and fondly smiles at the memory. Obanai shifts in place and changes the subject, them both walking away as they leave you and gyomei.

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t4tails · 10 months ago

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thinking about the nepo baby thing and like. god what is that suppsed to tell us as the audience?

it's clearly not a morality work and that's like. fine again characters are allowed to be flawed and make mistakes and aren't all aesop analogies yada yada wanted to clairify that stance

but i do want to look at that section. thanatos calls out persephone for being a nepo baby, hades then fights back before saying that yes, she is a nepo baby, but he is his own nepo-baby and therefore can't complain.

if we, clearly as she's trying to write here, are supposed to root for hades and persephone than, as it's pointed out, he's fully right and she is a nepo baby but tu quo que so he's...completely invalidaded?

What does this say to the audience? people who speak out against nepotism are wrong bc no they are qualified kinda and if they aren't it's ok actually and also people calling out nepo babies are probably nepo babies themselves so they can't say anything (it's not like they have EXPERIENCE in being a nepo baby from being a nepo baby)

like? is she overal trying to tackle the subject of nepotism children by showing that she's not fully qualified and being fucked by her a bazillion years older boss and getting away with murder and then making the argument that nepotism is fine because. ??????? what makes it ok? he's also a nepo baby? why does that matter? wHY IS THIS THE PLOT OR WAY YOU WROTE THE STORY?? WHY IS THIS THE MODERN INTERPRETATION OF HADES AND PERSEPHONE? WHY DO YOU HAVE THE PLOT TACKLING AGE DIFFERENCE WHEN IT LITTERALLY DOESN'T HAVE TOO?

the characters don't even act enough like the gods to warrent this story that like. she made this up. the greek gods have a historically pretty good record of what they were seen as. i mean fuck hades and hera are the two gods out of like 5 that would never fuck other people especially each other. the other ones are the three goddesses known for their asexuality. this clearly shows lack of intrest/actual care or that fully convinced now that like. im right this started as a 50 shades au.

good breakdown, i have literally no fucking idea what this comic is trying to say. my best guess is "love conquers all" but only persephone and hades' love. fuck everybody else. rachel just writes shit i dont think she understands any kind of implication

#og post #ask #birdsareblooming #liveposting #long post

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felipe-v-fanblog · 4 months ago

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My Questions:

What is your favorite portrait of Felipe V and why?

What is Felipe V known for?

Is it true that he lived life thinking he was a frog?

ah thank you for asking about him !! he is my hyperfixation forever and ever <3 always happy to talk about any historical figure anyway

i will make a long-ass post i must confess that i dont know when to shut the fuck up:

FIRST OF ALL i really like the hyacinthe rigaud portraits. specially the last one, which i know one of the copies is at Versailles along with a portrait of his brother le petit Dauphin and his father le grand Dauphin and I believe there is one of Charles, duc de Berry too? which is also his brother. Anyway I am insane about all of them so of course its my favourite. BUT my favourite version of that portrait is this one:

he has a heart ! on his wig. over his forehead. there. i think its funny. This portrait has a lot of version which are too similar to eachother but this one is the only one with that weird thing on his wig. Also this one isnt actually for the public display that is why its on a very low quality its being sold. which is a Shame. Its from his second reign as that was the moment he started using the ponytail.

WHAT is felipe v known for is a eh interesting question as i think everybody knows the upside down portrait of him in Xátiva, near Valencia, which is the autonomous comunity which hates the most Philip V as far as I know ? SO he got a lot of hate during the war of spanish succession (1701-1714, starting approximately when he was 17, as he gets to Spain at 16 - it finished around the end of 1714, the year he marries his second wife, Elisabeth Farnese - also a very interesting character which i know a lot of people love a lot) . So eh the important stuff is that spaniards hated bourbons because Spain hates frenchmen ? for some reason ? but im british so im supposed to hate them too. So anyway after the war of succession which is ! ofc after charles ii death which i know you like a lot :3 i also really love him iiii I will keep talking about philip v as to not change subject. So. eh he was also the grandson of Louis XIV which I know spaniards hated because he was in war with the Habsburgs - its a conflict since Louis XIII s times - and they were very culturally different. In fact Philippe suffered a lot when he came to the spanish court a la Marie Antoinette because it was too different. But its like the contrary of Marie Antoinette, because he was suffering because spanish was boring and he didnt even knew spanish. He also felt pity against the gente de placer because they had different morals in the french court (ofc the activity its bad in itself but i will not state the obvious, yet in the court of louis xiv there are many examples of mentally ill or desfigured people which were supported by the state. ofc the majority of them were part of the royal family but anyway philippe knew he shouldnt make fun of these people - he was rather disturbed by the group). So anyway the habsburg faction was against him but he was rather welcomed to Spain, he himself didnt felt spanish enough to be king - and even had to be reassured of keep being king since very young, years before abdicating.

Clearing that out, because the story about Philippe going to Spain, or his childhood, or his first marriage; are all stuff I would talk on and on about, eh, I will proceed to talk about other stuff he is known for. During his first reign his first prime minister, which was a frenchman that Louis XIV send to fix Spain, did fix Spain; ofc not as good as Charles III would later do it, but did the first steps towards it. He also send to made very important buildings of Spain like el Palacio de la Granja, where he is actually buried along with his second wife Farnese. He is also known for being the first Bourbon king in Spain, may say the first bourbons were Isabel de Francia (first wife of Philip IV - sister of Louis XIII) and Maria Luisa de Orléans (first wife of Charles II - daughter of Philippe d Orleáns, brother of Louis XIV - you probably know the tale about Don Juan José negotiating the marriage ! its a funny story). There is also very peculiar characters during his reign like Don Blas de Lezo or the Cardinal Alberoni (which Philip himself made sure to make cardinal by spamming letters to the pope about making him a cardinal - Philip was very fond of him, and even made him his prime minister and Archobisp of Malagá), there is also Louis-Joseph of Vendôme (Luis José de Borbón, as he is known in Spain), which Philip also gave him his life and made him virrey de Cataluña, heir of the throne in case he did without childs, and marshal of Spain. He has a thing for giving the people he loves everything they ask for and more. Louis-Joseph is one of the most important military figures of the war of succession along with the duke of Berwick and the count of Tessé (marshal of France since Vendôme was exhiled from there. also a funny story. Vendôme was a real weird guy and I dont get to understand why Philippe liked him so much).

I finish the last section of this post. Which is getting big asf. The frog thing. Its very weird for me to see many people which make jokes about that ? I guess people think its funny ? but its not the only think he had issues with ? must say he was melancholic aka disordered since all his life. He was not know for being a normal kid, he was very quiet and shy. I know for a fact that he was bulimic, but he also presented a mood disorder, which has been mainly theorized to be Bipolar II, which I am actually okay with that version as he presented many of these traits - more tentative to depression, known as a hypomaniac state, and more tentative to psychosis. Even with that, psychology is very stained with a mysoginistic and racist history, and the diagnosis of male historical figures with bipolarity is one of them. First because they dont actually diagnose him with Bipolar II thats my own suggestion because spanish historians do their job terribly and dont even try to take it seriously enough to stand what kind of bipolarity are they talking about - they just threw off bipolarity because the mainstream idea of bipolarity is someone who tends to be happy for some moments and then deeply depressed. SO after throwing off my own agenda I will state the facts. He was deeply depressed and then went on a manic state from the sound of music. He employed an italian castrato - the most famous one ! - Farinelli to sing and play music for him, as he rested on the bed, and made him repeat the songs over and over again. He would have loved spotify. And after a lot of repetitions he even sang the songs himself, as these made him very happy. He also made Farinelly his prime minister (this guy seriously had problems with giving everything to the people he loved). He also had a very fucked up sleep schedule, making his ministers met him at the bed of his wife at 2 AM, as he never left these chambers. He had a big fear of dying, normal between Bourbons, and a big religious trauma since his childhood - he had a very severe tutor, which is actually a remarkable figure in the reign of Louis XIV; and even the spaniards were weirded out by how much he used to confess himself with Alberoni. He also had paranoid delusions, which are known to be bizarre, such as the time he thought his clothes were shining weird, and that they had poison, and because of that he started to use his wife s clothes (this is, well, a thing that happened for some reason. He ordered to only let nuns make his clothes for this). He was also hypersexual, and there is not a funny part about it, but I always joke about the fact that he was the first guy to drag a dildo to Spain (fun fact). So thats all. Ah he also thought for some time that his body parts would fall off and that he was a frog. Which the first is Cotard delusion and the other is just a bizzare delusion, as many psychotic delusions are. He liked to watch the gardens a lot, and used to be fascinated by the frogs jumping around it. This was a very small moment of his later years, when he barely left the bed, as he was very depressed. Thats the answer to the question. Now you know a lot about Philip V mental state which may or may not be funny. I think the frog thing was made popular by tiktok? but that was a very small part of his mental disorders. I love him a lot hehe. I personally think he had BPD as he was very fond of the people he loved and had many trust issues, and BPD also can make people more tentative to psychotic disorders and bipolarity. Spaniards tend to lie about the bourbons or exaggerate stuff because the historical records are tainted by habsburg faction, so the majority of my information comes from french people of the time. Feel free to ask questions or dont READ THIS AT ALL this is A BIGASS POST. I can also recommend free pdfs to read about his time blablabla I specially like Liselotte (Elizabeth of the Palatinade) letters and the memoirs of Saint-Simon, even if he talks a bit too badly about Louis-Joseph or le grand Dauphin.

#yapping #this is just a superficial view of his reign i can yap more #i found tumblrs limit of characters while writing this

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ambyandony · 1 year ago

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i also love the Rum Tum Tugger - Mr Mistoffelees dynamic yes i do ship them they have a good dynamic and good chemistry

"jellicle cats come out tonight" u first mistoffelees

one of my favourite parts is how in the last bit of The Rum Tum Tugger when the girls are squealing over tugger, if you look in the background u can see Mistoffelees on the pipe on the left side and if you watch his reactions it's just so KLNCFLNVNS there's so much tension at first he's shaking his head disapprovingly but then if you look at the second bit he's making little hand-wavy motions (kinda like how the girls are) like he's trying so hard to control himself. and then at the last note tugger holds you can see him sort of take a deep breath and look bewildered

hes like "tch.." and then he's like "oh..." and then he's like: Oh.

(THE ITALICISED OH)

and then you get this

its giving "…am i interruptin somethin 🤨 " "UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

literally the funniest screencap of the whole musical i think especially bc not only does mistoff make this startled expression as if he's been caught doing something he's not supposed to be doing (despite literally just vibing (he has anxiety)) he also completely freezes up and the other cat (not sure who) just lets go of his hand and continues on like nothing happened KLDVNFKLDNVDKLNVKLSFNL

ALSO SOMETHING THAT MAKES THE MISTOFFELEES TUGGER DYNAMIC SO SO GOOD TO ME IS HOW MISTOFFELEES LIKE. he embarrasses himself at the start of the old gumbie cat and is visibly distressed and the kittens make fun of him for it. but he opens the trunk with his magic anyways and then like hides behind it

and hes directly said to at least appear shy and i definitely get a meek read on him. this boy is the shyest drama queen this side of the heaviside layer. he loves to perform and then any time he's not performing he's self-conscious and nervous,,,

and rum tum tugger sings an ENTIRE HYPE SONG FOR HIM

the "please listen to me... and dont scoff" at the start i might mention, 'dont scoff at my boyfriend he is very sensitive and i will kill you dead'

also in Magical Mr. Mistoffelees, rum tum tugger says "i've known the family to call him in from the garden for hours / when he was asleep in the hall " so like are they living in the same house with the same family or does tugger just frequently break in because the latter is my personal belief and way funnier

he makes this motion like cmon baby during the line and mistoffelees is like . hang on why were you at my house for hours ?

(mistoffelees vc) "why, just the other day, i had to help rum tum tugger out of a bedroom drawer, but im not terribly sure why he was in the house to begin with" rum tum tugger (famously prone to getting stuck in drawers): 😎

tugger is basically flirting with mistoffelees the entire song NEVERMIND the lyrics but the way he moves towards him and the way he articulates when interacting with mistoff,,,

gives him a little look like 'are you sure you're confident in my abilities' 'OBVIOUSLY????'

look dad thats my boyfriend. yeah he appearified you out of nowhere. yeah he does that a lot.

also on the subject of Magical Mr Mistoffelees its SO funny the way Mistoff acts he seems very surprised by his own capabilities / unsure of his own power so of course he just starts blowing shit up

Rum Tum Tugger: hey everyone have you heard of Mister Mistoffelees. hes fucking incredible. super talented. smart. bit cute Mr. Mistoffelees: so anyways, i started blasting

i also love Tugger getting really close to Misto and then backing off, I imagine because he snaps out of it last second and remembers that misto has been going around blowing shit up for the past 3 minutes so maybe he should give him a little space "i know he can do incredible shit. im not really sure what all he could do, however i am aware that he could set me on fire or blow my dick off, which is something id like to avoid, yknow i kinda value having that so ill just uh, stand over here for a bit"

anyways, i think theyre very cute

#ALSO MISTOFFELEES LITTLE “PRESTO” GETS ME EVERY SINGLE TIME HES SO CUTE?#cats the musical #cats the musical posting #mr mistoffelees #rum tum tugger #tuggoffelees #im completely normal about this musical #amby yells

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crimsoncold · 7 months ago

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Hello fellow Jonsa fans + Jon Snow Fans in general...

I'm pretty confident in saying that the treatment/characterization in later seasons (as well as the overall show ending) for the Starks- specifically for Jon Snow- was in a number of ways a massive disappointment for many fans.

And over the years I've waffled back and forth between hope and pessimism on how accurate the show ending of several characters is for predicting what will/would happen to them in the books ...

So to organize my thoughts (and try to come to some conclusion) I've tried my best to formulate possible attitudes, reasonings, justifications, and supporting evidence for why fans might be anything from strongly opposed to the idea that the endings will be the same, to willing to believe the two endings may generally resemble one another, or for thinking/being resigned to the idea that they will essentially be the same in all the core aspects...

So I am curious, after having a couple years to ruminate on how the show handled its characters ...

What are your thoughts on Jon Snow's show character arc and ending, specifically on how it would (or will) compare to his book arc and ending?

... and which of the following opinions/attitudes on the subject do you identity with or agree with the most?

(Warning this post is kinda rambling and long - and im sure other people have phrased their thoughts on this issue much more eloquently/with more supporting evidence/or at least while being less admittedly biased- I really tried my best to be open minded and be non-critical for all the options but I think I failed for the last one lol - but its kinda cluttering up my head and I wanted to put it into words to clear things out a bit

...but I'm also curious about how others feel about this issue so I'll post this write up as is and then I will post a more succint follow up in the form of a poll to see how fans in general are leaning on this issue in a few days....)

Starting out strong with...

ATTITUDE #1: they will NOT be the same because the show choices and ending don't actually fucking make any sense?

His name being ... aegon?...because he is "the prince that was promised"?....ummmm Rheagar already had a child that was his "prince aegon"...who (other than the showrunners) would think it a good choice to name the next son the same thing...also why would Lyanna who has been kept from her family and left to bleed out alone after childbirth give a shit about "Targaryen" prophecy nonsense and choose this name? Her father and eldest brother have been murdered, she presumably wasn't allowed to contact or leave to go back to her family, and she was left by the prince to endure pregnancy and childbirth with improper care, and as a result she is now bleeding to death without knowing what will become of her son... but sure if she names her son something it would be Aegon and not after her deceased father or brother or just literally any other a name that is not from house Targaryen (you know the people responsible for her family's brutal deaths and her own likely impending death).

And if despite book! Lyanna's apparent wisdom shown in her appraisal of Robert's flaws we are supposed to accept uncritically the show idea that she went willingly (or at least that she stayed willingly) with a prince who was being unfaithful to his wife and had abandoned his children in kingslanding and who ran and left his mad King father behind in power who would then go on to gruesomely murder her family... even if we ignore this and the fact that she should rightfully hate Rheagar at this point (or at least see this prophecy nonsense as Rheagar's own brand of madness) why would she choose this name if she needs her son to be protected (i.e. be hidden by his uncle from everyone who would like to wipe out all remaining Targaryens)?

Furthermore....

(Tyrion = known kin slayer/presumed king slayer/a fucking lannister the house who had been complicit in invading and slaughtering nobles and peasants alike in the north and riverlands in support of their rule through a false king/accomplice to a Targaryen lead invasion and the mass slaughter of KL= righteous dude and new Hand to the King?)

(Jaime Lannister= sworn member of the kingsguard/infamously breaks his vows and murders the mad king/his reputation is permanently ruined/for years never tells anyone his motive for killing the king was to prevent him from wiping out the entirety of kingslanding with wildfire/yet still gets to maintain his position and isn't executed or sent to the wall or even stripped of his position because his dad is scary, his family is powerful, and now they have direct ties to the new King?)

(Jon Snow= is a stark both through his mother and the man who raised him as a father/ from a house that is respected even loved in the north- the family that is the heart of the story/he works to make peace with former enemies and band people together against a massive threat beyond the wall that could kill everyone in westeros/kills a known violent and a mass murdering invader who had control over a creature that is the narrative equivalent of a weapon of mass destruction/consequently a queen slayer and kin slayer/is related to both the new King of Westeros and the QITN who were raised with him and presumably love him and want to protect him = is punished for his actions through exile to the Night's watch?

... which doesnt even have a purpose anymore now that wall is destroyed, the dead have been destroyed, and the north has since allied with their former enemies who they were previously using the wall and the Night's Watch to defend against

... and this is upheld in the north and by his family despite the fact that the stark kids held the fervent desire/wish to return to their home but more importantly to be reunited with their remaining family in any way possible... despite the fact that the north is independent and should give absolutely no fucks what the rulings and demands are from armies and lords who previously were you know fucking invading them, fighting against them, or at least were in no way the north's supportive allies?)

This does not track at all... terrible and inconsistent writing/world building..."one million years dungeon" to whoever thought this would be well recieved or an impressive ending... book end and arc for Jon will not be like this at all.

ATTITUDE #2: Not the same (*beyond perhaps a few superficial aspects*) because narratively and thematically it doesn't make for an effective or engrossing story?

Jon's identity, his desire to know who his mother was, his deep underlying wish to live up to the expectations of his father and be the type of son that through his actions reflects well on his father rather than one who brings shame simply through his birth, the curiosity secrets and rumours surrounding his mother and birth that that are shown to reach far beyond the borders and nobles of the north, and the truth around his biological mother and father.... All of these things should have more of an impact emotionally for the character as well as more consequences and impact plot-wise or politically speaking than it ever did in the show!!!

e.g. Jon's identity issues have generally centered around the desire to know about his mother and a desire to be a son that makes his father proud/reflects well on Ned Stark's memory despite his bastard status... an "oooh look at his Trueborn Targaryen Prince name" moment is not a satisfying closure to this question/conflict... yes knowing the identity of his mother is important to him... but so will the fact that Ned (his uncle/foster father) chose to raise him as his own to protect him... and chose to name him Jon after the man who fostered Ned, loved Ned like a son, and who revolted against a king when he called for Jon to execute his two wards Ned and Robert... emotionally speaking it's Jon's stark half (and the fact that Ned isnt his bio father) that should matter to him the most to jon... far more than the "Secret Targaryen prince" thing... there is little catharsis available for Jon in his Targaryen ancetry-with the exception perhaps of what it might mean for his future/his dreams of marriage and children (more on this later)...

Jon's internal conflict should matter (his dreams of being a father/husband and recreating the family he has lost, his desire for lordship over winterfell, his devotion and love of his trueborn siblings, his shame around his birth and the ambitious dreams that he rejects but still holds, his struggle against all these in taking the black/rejecting the offer of lordship of winterfell/and supporting his "sister's" claim, the potential issues caused by the conflict between Jon's determination to protect the rights of his trueborn "siblings", Robb's will that goes against this wish, and the question of who the Notheners will wish to crown when Jon reunites with Sansa or perhaps one of his surviving "brothers", these things need to be adressed with nuance rather than written off as if they never existed like they did in the show

The Stark kids deserve better, they are essentially the heart of the story, they are constantly thinking about/ longing for their dead kin as well as their lost but surviving siblings, some (i.e. Jon and Sansa) are both literally dreaming about recreating their lost family through their own potential marriages...so all of their reunions need to be important emotionally for the characters and should be more meaningful in terms of narrative... anything rather than the nonsensical, unnecessary, and poorly justified or resolved conflict and mistrust the show gave us between the stark kids....anything other than all the Starks (willingly) being separated once again at the end (which writers thought this made for a powerful or emotional end for the starks...and what on earth is wrong with you?)

The many parallels, shared dreams, and increasingly apparent foreshadowing that point towards Jonsa/a Jon and Sansa marriage in the books (too numerous for me to list here) will need to pay off - (Arguably even the show hinted towards a Jonsa romance with the tension, intimacy, longing stares, jealousy and love triangle-esque framing in later seasons. All of this takes more than just actor chemistry... as in writing directing setting framing lighting etc.) and GRRM won't chicken out over some foster sibling/cousin incest like (presumably) the showrunners did.

The book (and show even) established clearly that people who choose to burn other people alive during battle/as a method of execution/or for human sacrifice purposes are being set up as distinct flavour of villain in the story (Stannis and Melisandre, Tyrion and Cersei, Aerys and Daenerys)... Jon himself is shown to unequivocally be against using this sort of inhumane execution on ones enemies in both the book and the show (i.e. recall his plotline with Mance Rayder/Mance Rayder's son) ... why on earth would he ever trust or be emotionally or willingly romantically involved with someone who does this at a large scale (and who comes from a family that previously murdered his own kin in this horrific manner)... this makes no sense for his character or his arc.

While overall the story certainly makes for a remarkably dark/gritty fantasy tale...to end the entire series by just once again hammering home the idea that nothing we do matters, people dont get what they deserve, there are no happy endings in reality, etc. would leave things on a sour note and not be a particularly meaningful or thematically or emotionally satisfying end ...hell A dream of spring (Formerly A Time For Wolves !!!??!!!) implies a hopeful (though given the series perhaps a bittersweet) end that the show ending (particularly the Stark ending) absolutely did not deliver on

So ultimately to be a satisfying story the character arc/book ending for Jon Snow must, by default, be significantly different than that of the show.

ATTITUDE #3: the endings will not be very similar simply because the show already changed too much storywise/characterwise for it to match what happens/will happen in the books

(Almost too many examples to list for this so I'll only mention a couple of the more grevious ones)

They've written off too many hugely impactful characters (remember lady stoneheart?!!?!!!)

and changed plotlines in too many profound ways (e.g. remember when Dorne and House Martell characters mattered, made sense, were consistent? How Jeyne Poole's narrative was simply given to Sansa?? WTF!!!!! Absolutely the most grevious thing the Showrunners inflicted on her that had NO basis on her material from the novel)

or in general just handled plotlines just too poorly (The long night/invading dead gets a lot of build up- multiple books and seasons- and should be handled more effectively than they did in the show- where it was written off resolved rather quickly to get back to the dragons i mean political intrigue...There is no easily defeated big bad in the books... show!Night King does not have a counterpart or exist in the books!)

and they reduced, white washed, or generally dumbed down characters too much (look what they did to Varys and Tyrion... but also look at Jon!!!!!!

Jon Snow of the books is young but smart, he is sneakier and sassier, and under the right circumstances less beholden to "honour" and much more ruthless than Ned or his own show counterpart (ALSO he is notably against people who execute their enemies via burning alive -just putting that out there again)... so we shouldn't expect Book!Jon to have the exact same behavior/choices of show!jon.

... hell even show jon of early seasons was vastly different- more interesting and thought out and still you know treated as a main character- rather than a kowtowing 1 dimensional man they tried turning him into in order to prop up the Dragon Daenerys plotline)

.... and showrunners just made too many narratively unsupported choices (Bron as Lord Paramount of the Reach. Why? Are ALL the Tyrells dead? Are all other noble houses in the reach dead? What is even happening here?)

Based on all we know from comparing the completed show to the published books in an albeit unfinished series... and how obviously they have already been proven to differ significantly... as fans we shouldn't expect or resign ourselves to the idea that show ending = novel ending... because from what we know for a fact happens in the books has already shown to be massively changed in the tv series.

ATTITUDE #4 & #5:

The books will be similar to some (but not all) aspects of show Jon's later seasons plotlines/his overall ending...

the book will be similar to most aspects of later seasons of the tv seasons -in terms of Jon's arc and his overall ending...

BUT!!!!! crucially these things will be handled better or at least with far more nuance than the show

The showrunners had a general outline so one has to accept that at least some (or even all) of the major aspects of plot and character arcs will be consistent .... they will just be better built up to and justified through better writing and the sheer aspect of getting to read and understand a character's thought process rather than trying to decipher meaning through the scowls/stares/and increasingly poorly written dialog of later GOT seasons.

Specifically, for Jon's later seasons narratives... well perhaps he would be willing to work with people who are violent, unhinged, or dangerous in order to fight against the white walkers, he absolutely is willing to make allies with long standing enemies of the north in the interest of saving the north/all of westeros from the dead (i.e. the free folk), he definitely would be willing to lie to them about his loyalty and respond to their romantic or sexual advances if they pushed him... simply in order to stay alive and to fulfill whatever his mission is amongst his people's enemies (refer to his past interactions with Ygritte and the free folk), he is definitely ultimately willing to "betray" said "allies" and "lover" when their intentions and actions violate his own moral principles or are a threat to his people.

He would definitely sacrifice his own honour (through breaking vows, kinslaying, or queen-slaying) if it meant protecting his family and you know protecting the entire population of westeros from an invader pushed over the edge... who has just committed mass murder of innocent civilians (just look what he is willing to do/what vows he is willing to forsake for the saftey of his sisters/cousins in both book and tv show)...

So some of the show canon/plot/and choices would hold up in the books... so long as they are done with better motives/and while being able to look into Jon's thought process (political!Jon theorists rise! this is the only way this plotline makes sense without assassinating his character).

As for the the Stark/Jon Snow ending (Bran ruling the south, an independent North ruled by Sansa, Jon exiled beyond to wall, and Arya leaving westeros and her family behind)... well I can find satisfaction with and confidently stand by the idea of some of the general outcomes holding true (i.e. an independent north, Sansa reclaiming the north and her identity as a Stark, and that of Bran as king).

... Arya's and Jon's endings are perhaps harder to support ...so maybe they will be different in the books?

Having the freedom to explore and go on adventures seems a long held dream of Arya's, and after the very traumatic and dangerous way this dream of her's came true perhaps her once again experiencing freedom from the expectations put on noble born girls and feeling actual inspiration to travel and discover new places (rather than it being based in necessity) will be a satisfying end... so long as it's not a permanent separation from her home and siblings.

As for Jon's exile... well it's perhaps the hardest to support? but it could potentially stand in the books as well- it could fit a more bittersweet tone that could suit the end of the series that was often quite dark...

Also there are potentially some supporting narrative paralells for Jon say marrying or having a child with Sansa before they are ultimately separated (e.g. Bael the bard, King-Beyond-the-Wall having a child with Lord Brandon Stark's only heir and daughter; or perhaps a reversed version of the historical Jonnel and Sansa Stark marriage... in this case a male relative marrying a female heir to protect her claim rather than to steal it... and this time its the wife who remains and keep rulership of winterfell after "losing" their spouse, instead of the reverse happening)... so this could unfold in a manner that simultaneously fulfills the heavy jonsa marriage + children foreshadowing while still in a way corresponding to the general jon snow ending of the show of exile/leaving with the free folk...

On the other hand if Jon and Arya's endings are the same in the book format perhaps these less satisfying fates could still serve to at least provide interesting narrative parallels to the previous stark generation

(Brandon & Lyanna-Robb & Rickon... beloved siblings who died tragically and live on through the love and terrible grief of their siblings,

Ned - Sansa... inheriting what would have gone to their older brother... but are left alone to carry the burden of ruling winterfell/the north and the only surving stark who will marry and have children to carry on the family line

Ned - Sansa & Bran... who survived a war that killed many family members, going on to inherit rulership (in some form) that would otherwise never have been theirs, and perhaps the most lonely aspect they are ultimately separated from their family by duty, vows, or the choices from their surviving sibling(s)....

Benjen- Arya & Jon, surviving non heir/non ruling starks? who ultimately - perhaps through some combination of grief over their losses, desire to find their own purpose beyond what is offered to them as a non heir member of a noble house, or due to vows they have sworn in the past- leave their surviving family and home behind to make their way in life somewhere else, returning to winterfell/their ruling siblings and surviving family only rarely (if at all), thus making for a slightly more bitter than sweet end for the starks who survived the would be annihilation of their house...

So for these reasons I believe some of these (or even all of these) perhaps controversial and unsatisfying show choices, plot points, and endings around the Starks or Jon Snow could also occur in the books... they will just be presented better.... more in character, with more thought out build up and justification, with more emotional nuance, and in a manner that does address or correspond with the foreshadowing in the books.

ATTITUDE #6: I have come to terms that it makes sense that book ending and show ending will essentially be the same for... various reasons?

...ummm because it just makes sense to me? i don't find it an unlikely or unsatisfying end so I'm fine with it and feel certain it will be the same in the books?

Or because the show ending was admittedly a trainwreck but since I am pessimistic I dont expect a happy or even simply a narratively or thematically satisfying ending to the book series at this point, so yes they will be the same?

....because I think that the showrunners despite how crappy they handled the plot/characters in the later seasons (or occasionally through out the entire series) have to be in the know about major plotpoints and overall series ending so fans must just accept that show ending (for the most part) = book ending?

... breaking the format here but im not sure why else Jon or Jonsa fans would feel this way?...

but I am genuinely curious though so i guess please feel free to share any compelling foreshadowing/hints/justifications in the novel series you've found that either

a. supports showrunners choices regarding both some of the questionable show!Jon Snow's actions...

Choosing to go to dragon stone himself to negotiate with an invader rather than sending a representative, bending the knee without better negotiation, clearer threats against his family, or without even listening to the advice of his northern advisors or family,

Willfully ignoring potential allies available to him (e.g. the vale) Instead of you know finding ways to negotiate and make use of them when he needs to or it is necessary for his survival and then choosing later on how to handle the people who are not strictly speaking trustworthy or are ultimately still an enemy (you know like he did in the past?)

Letting himself be crowned KITN without any meaningful internal struggle or backlash and without requiring much persuasion from his family or advisors...despite this occuring in the presence of one of his trueborn "siblings" - you know Sansa (anyone else remember Jon saying that winterfell belongs to her when he rejects Stannis' offer of ruling the winterfell? That feels like its significant)...and despite the fact that he loves and remained loyal to his trueborn "siblings" and had previously defended his "sister"'s claim to winterfell and the north at the expense of his own opportunity to gain rule over winterfell.

Lending support/men to a Targaryen invader with a checkered past regarding her ... -having kept slaves and/or profiting off of slavery -utlizing "former" child soldier/slaves for her army or servants

(Recall slavery being a big no-no in westeros and particularly the north? Like execution or exile levels of bad?)

-her incredibly controversial and destructive past weilding of her weapons of mass destruction dragons and her questionable ability to control her child eating beasts

b. Supports Jon Snow's ultimate fate (of a sort of tragic hero, banished by his cousin/foster brother for doing what was right and necessary ... just because it went against the restrictive and high standards regarding the proper and honourable treatment of royalty and ones kin ....and because letting him free would upset the handful of allies that said late (and im sure so highly venerated) mass murdering invader/would be dictator had by the end of the story,

And Him not being given refuge in the independent north, by the people who supported/elected him king, or by the express invitation the cousin/foster sister who loves him and has both authority equivalent to that of her brother king while also not being beholden to said king's rulings... and instead being essentially in exile from both the southern kingdoms of westeros and from an independent north and thus the entirety of his surviving family.

Yes I'm totally against show Jon Snow's ending and much of his characterization/plotline in later seasons...and generally find it difficult to swallow/believe the idea that book!Jon's arc/end would be the exact same as that of the show!jon

...but i dont actually intend to just be judgemental of/argue with/try to disprove Stark/Jon fans who believe that what happens with book!Jon will be the same as what happend to show!jon.... I may personally find it hard to accept (both emotionally but also based on the ample available evidence of the significant changes the show had already made from the available published source material)

....but I am genuinely curious about how people feel about this idea if they do truly believe things will be the same for book! jon as it was for show!jon (Satisfaction? Happiness? Anger? Disappointment? Resignation? Acceptance? Indifference?)

.... and also about what evidence/foreshadowing they have found in the books that has persuaded them (and is maybe not discussed seriously enough by fandom) and could have rightfully been included in my reasonings for why people believe that the book ending and character arc for Jon Snow will/would be the same of that of the show.

So my closing thoughts...

Have i missed any notable reasons or evidence that you think would sway someone to one attitude/opinion or another?

... have you, like me, also occasionally been on the fence about how closely what happens in the books will resemble what happened in the show?

... has anything in this post (or another fandom post) changed your mind? Or served to further solidify your position/opinion on this topic?

...do you feel more or less certain about your own stance on the comparison between show and book Jon Snow's overall arc/ending?

... is anyone feeling less resigned/pessimistic about what will happen regarding Jon/Jonsa in the books now? (Because that was sort of my goal here in this thought exercise... thinking through arguments that either support or go against the idea that Jon- and Jonsa- will have a happier or more fulfilling arc and ending in the books than they did in the show... and hopefully finding and summarizing enough evidence to persuade myself- and other fans- that the book outcome will be a more positive one than the show, for characters and fans alike!)

- Crimson Cold

#Asoiaf/got #jon snow #Predictions and Attitides on how the books will compare to the show #Comparing book to show #Jon snow deserved better #The starks deserved better #Jon and Sansa deserved better #a condemning of the butchering of jon snow's character #game of thrones critical #d&d critical #anti d&d #anti daenerys #anti jonerys #anti targaryen #jonsa #jonsa adjacent #asoiaf predictions #political jon #Crimson Cold thoughts

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atlas-the-idiot-2 · 7 months ago

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Helloooooo, we're the strawberry system,, here's a sorta long intro post

First, our alters! With premade intros thanks to pluralkit!

(we're a system of 11 to our knowledge but will only be putting alters that are comfortable being known here/have proper intros)

★★★

Headmates

Mike (he/they/it)

»Things to be wary of/know: hello! I'm mike, I'm the main host if the system! I'm bisexual and on the aroace spectrum as well. I like long debates and talks, I'd like to say im pretty open minded as well. I like alternative rock, watermelon bubble gum, reading, writing, and musicals!

Macey (they/it)

»Things to be wary of/know: first up! Im fluid between he and she pronouns but i always use they/it pronouns! Now actually onto me! Im a bit scatter brained at times, my thoughts are like, alllll over the place! I swear a lotttt, i make lota typos at times so sorry if i mess up lolll! I like showing off, alternative rock, fast music, thrills, horror stories/true crime, and things like that! I swear a good amount too but I'm resisting just in this intro lmaoooo! I can also be rude or ramble sometimes! I hope i get to know lots of people!

All for one (he/him)

(yes, my source is mha, yes I'm aware, no i am not my source)

»Things to be wary of/know: i have low empathy so i wouldn't go to me for help on most subjects, I mainly front on harder days for the system or boring days, I don't say much to others, i can be a bit... Protective or cold at times, no I don't excuse my sources actions though i understand if some are hesitant to interact with me

Dreamwalker (it/he/they)

»Things to be wary of/know: I only really speak to the others in the system, though I'm down for long talks or debates, I'm not very open though i suppose

Atlas (they/she/he)

»Things to be wary of/know: hello, i am Atlas, I don't talk much to anyone. You probably won't meet me unless theirs a problem going on with us or someone's causing a problem.

Jewel (she/they)

»Things to be wary of/know: hiya, i mostly hold emotions i guess? So that makes me sorta sensitive in a way, i have high empathy as well, I'm very soft spoken as well and don't speak much so please be patient with me! Um, please use tone tags, I'm also a sorta slow typer

Rozie (she/they/xe)

»Things to be wary of/know: hiiiiii, I'm the more extraverted of the bunch, you'll probably hear lotsa stuff from me! That's it i think!

★★★

Stances

Syscouse: hooooo boy. We prefer not to interact with Syscouse too much because its generally a battle field but we are supportive of endos! We generally avoid anti endos too because they're very much less welcoming and don't feel as safe around them :)

We also block freely and will block almost all anti endos that actively participate in discourse so please block me as well :))

★★★

Extra info!

System type: cephaconscious

System origins: none of your business<3

Syscovery birthday: may 7th

Asking to front: no thank you!

Nicknames: depends on the person but mostly fine!

Pet names: only if we know each other pls!

Teasing: fine, pls make it clear (/j or teasing in parentheses!)

Dms/friend request: perfectly fine!

Flirting: ehhhh, again depends on the person, generally no

★Ways to refer to us★

Yes: system, voices, collective, council, alternatives, collection, plural, choir, headmate, sysmate, system member, homies, people, others, crew

Ehh: alters, multiple, gang, tribe

No: part, piece, shard

★★★

Thats it i think lmao! Byeeee

#pro endo #pro endogenic #system intro #system info #osdd system #plurality #plural #plural community

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colin-86sc2 · 1 month ago

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11/26/2024

its 2:18 am as i start writing this. youre not supposed to listen to what your brain says after 9 pm or whenever but i need to get some words out. this morning i stayed in bed doing nothing for an hour. then i played some video games. i got bored and ate some food. went back to playing video games. basically went back and forth between those until about half an hour ago. i want to actually make something. when i make stuff i love it. i love sharing it with people. i want to share my interests, but due to my own mistakes and bad choices and things i regret, i have few friends and no desire to join an online community to find more. and pretty much only my brother is who i can show most of what i do i dont like being embarrased about who i am, but i also dont know if what i feel is what i actually am. and then when i see things about how happy some people can be with their choices in life, i wonder what must be wrong with me. im terrified of not being known but i have no idea how to put myself in any sort of situation where people would know me i want to create. i want to make music. i want to draw. i want to fix things that are broken. i want to make people happy. the things i do create arent good enough to pursue in my eyes. my music sounds bad as soon as i listen again. my drawing can be decent but compared to what i had imagined its sad. my fixing is restricted to my four cars but i have no motivation to get past any slightly difficult part of it. (ive been trying to fix the same car for nearly 5 years now) i cant tell what other people are thinking, so i have no idea how im doing at making people happy. but how can i feel okay with making people happy when im not happy myself saw something that makes sense to solve part of that. it said that lack of motivation might be that some of the more basic needs arent being met. according to some versons of the maslows heirarchy i might not even have the bottom of the triangle filled out, when the things i want are three or four up. i hate the abstractness of feelings. i wish i could know definitively if what im feeling or more often not feeling is abnormal or not. im pretty sure it is but unless i know something for sure i cant accept it. i hate subjective answers. how long does happiness last? am i feeling sadness right now? am i depressed? the only thing i can ever say is whether or not im stressed, my body tells me that with cold sores. anything else is subjective, and according to my brain, theres no right answer to a subjective question. i feel bad only using tumblr for venting now but its the only place i can. if someone wants to read, they could. theyd have to search it out, and its certainly not easy to find. knowing one person follows this blog is so strange to me. i dont know them, i dont know what sort of person they are, but the idea that at least someone knows part of me a little more deeply than my family does is somehow comforting. sorry if youre reading this rn and i made it weird. anyways. i need to make myself better. i want to do it on my own, but i know thats probably not a great choice. there are people with much better track records in every category whove made it their life to help in situations like this. but man, i really dont want to talk to people.

#journal #journal entry #journaling #rant post

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steelycunt · 1 year ago

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I think it’s so telling when the lyrics that her fans use as examples of her supposed “genius” are always just like either the most overused metaphor or some cliché biblical/mythological reference… And I don’t even think she’s completely terrible, she does have some good lyrics,, but the ones they choose are always the most boring ones possible. Like if you genuinely think this is what good writing looks like then I just don’t think we’re going to get anywhere here.

Also, and I get that this is subjective, but the whole thing of likening your stories to ancient myths is just such a pet peeve of mine. It can definitely work if there’s some effort put into it, especially if it’s more specific and doesn’t just use the most well known ones (or like if it’s supposed to be poking fun at a character being particularly dramatic) but most of the time it just seems like a cheap trick to bring some unearned gravitas to the thing and it annoys me to no end.

no exactly say that!! it is what i see happening the most people are like well you cant deny she's a talented lyricist look at this lyric [insert random mythological/classical reference] and im just thinking but thats still not a good lyric? just because you throw a gatsby reference in doesnt make it a good reference? she doesnt get points for knowing what the hanging gardens of babylon are? because the lyric isnt good and the reference often doesnt make sense or hasnt been employed correctly or effectively and so obviously has just been crammed in there and does not hold up under scrutiny. im sure she has better lyrics but people wheel out the mythological references and its like if you actually think this is a good lyric because she knows who midas is i dont really know what to say. i can write a song and throw in a reference to fucking icarus or something but if it doesnt work and fits clunkily and makes no sense in the wider context of the song that reference has not automatically added value and the lyric isnt good and probably actually makes me a worse lyricist rather than a better one. i do think those sort of references can be used well they can be subtle and appropriate and artful BUT its the subtleness, appropriateness and artfulness that in turn makes the lyric good, not the mere employment of a reference. it is knowing where to use the reference and which one to use and how to use it and IF to use one at all, and honestly considering the first line of swiftie defense to 'she's not a good lyricist' is to break out the allusion lyrics, none of the ones ive ever seen have been good lol

#telegram #anon #sorry ill be a lover later im still being a hater right now..

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aqueeracademic · 2 years ago

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morse being queer (and other commentary) pt 18:

season 5, episode 2, “Cartouche”:

- lmao morse code

- get it?

- anyways

- the way people used to just… smoke? in movie theaters? i fuckin wish

- oh my god morse…

- i am obsessed with this man.

- debryn greets morse by calling him “neyland smith” which is a character from the Fu-Manchu books

- he’s like the good guy

- who is a detective

- super random reference but i respect the idea that debryn reads mystery novels

- at the time debryn is referencing the character, the movies The Face of Fu Manchu, The Brides of Fu Manchu, The Vengeance of Fu Manchu, and (i think) The Blood of Fu Manchu were already out

- with The Castle of Fu Manchu on its way

- there were several films BEFORE the ones listed above, but those are most prevalent as they’re the ones released in the 1960s

- three different actors play neyland smith across these films

- one of the actors to play the character in the 60s was Nigel Green who was recognizable due to his size and handsome face

- the second actor to play him in the 60s was Douglas Wilmer, who was known for playing sherlock holmes

- the third and final actor to play the character in the 60s was Richard Greene, who was known for playing robin hood

- what’s FUNNY

- is that all of these actors were known for being good looking and did some modeling or played strapping characters in their time

- obviously debryn references the character because he’s a detective, as morse is

- but it’s also funny that he chose a character that is supposed to be like… really hot

- and it’s even better because morse laughs at the quip, meaning he understands the reference and appreciates it

- love to see it

- there we go, five minutes in and you’ve already had your history lesson!

- let’s move on

- trewlove is way to good for fancy but i gotta respect her for liking him

- i can see it

- morse just staring up at that dude changing the movie titles out

- no need to b watching the dudes ass my brother 😁

- “these people are british subjects. passport holders. we have a responsibility.”

- YES BRIGHT

- he’s old as god but he ain’t racist

- i respect it

- morse disliking horror movies is so…

- idk how i feel about that

- wait no

- i thought about it

- he’s a detective who deals with homicide for the most part

- so it adds up that he wouldn’t like horror

- morse asking debryn if he goes in for horror and debryn basically telling him no and then they just stand there looking at each other

- they literally work so well together i’m SICK

- they’re perfect your honor 🗣️🗣️

- also i like the idea that, if debryn had said yes, morse might have gotten him tickets to that horror showing

- we know they hang out outside of work so who’s to say they wouldn’t go see a movie?

- and i bet you morse would suffer through a horror film for debryn

- i’m just sayin 🤷‍♀️

- joan helping immigrants for work is so cool

- i love her so much

- racist bastards 😐

- morse is somehow so awkward w girls

- and yet

- hes a fucking rizz GOD

- how is he pulling a girl like THAT?

- i’m sick.

- strange housewife agenda ‼️

- i love strange and joan

- and i love the idea of them together

- and i love that he calls her “joanie”

- and i love them.

- how on earth is this thursdays brother?

- AYO?!!!!????????

- HE FUCKED THURSDAYS NIECE?????

- never recovering from that

- having an organ player at a movie theater is so strange to me

- how was that ever a thing

- fancy finally asking the real questions🙄

- moharram is lowkey….

- let me just 🤐

- “no slight was intended, doctor.” “with the british, it never is.”

- YOU GET THEIR IMPERIALISTIC ASSES

- [i love all u brits out there i just don’t love your museums]

- [in fairness i don’t like several american museums either]

- [oh well]

- bruh… no shot fancy got drunk during his investigation

- he’s so embarrassing im sick of this

- “the thing about mistakes is not to repeat them.” “is that what it was? a mistake?”

- like i said, his rizz is unlimited, but once he’s actually got with them he’s AWFULLLLL with women

- i can’t stand it

- PLEASE the way she stands there upset and he thinks there’s something wrong w the bridge

- he could not be more ignorant with women it’s wild

- “im a policeman. im allowed anywhere.”

- first off, no. 🤨

- my tv just turned off the entire episode so i guess it’s time for a brief intermission

- alr she’s working‼️

- idk what the fuck that movie is supposed to be about but i know it would have like a 2% on rotten tomatoes

- work moharram!

- stand up for what’s right 🗣️🗣️

- snapping at waiters is the biggest ick of ALL TIME

- it disgusts me to be honest

- who tf r u snapping at 🤨🤨🤨

- if the picture moharram has on his desk isn’t of himself then ima j assume he’s gay

- thursday just having a stroke over bright joining them at dinner is killing me

- this old man reminds me of mark rylance

- aka one of my favorite actors

- i think he’s supposed to represent henry fonda or some such actor tho

- this girl morse is on a date with is having the night of her fucking life

- good for her ‼️

- i stan carol im obsessed w her

- his face after she tells him it wasn’t a mistake 🥺🥺🥺

- he is so self deprecating i hate it

- the way this usher was super cool and respectable and then says something straight up racist so morse and thursday are both like 😧😮😐

- like sir???

- the way the shot they take of the roxy combines the pristine white front with the rugged and sketchy looking side and back

- nothing i love more than symbolism that’s completely on the nose

- the pigeon hitting the car 💀💀

- it’s not funny but goddam

- his brother asking for a loan is the worst thing to ever happen to me and it’s scarred in my brain forever

- UPDATE MOHARRAM IS NOT GAY AND THAT PICTURE WAS OF HIS SON I APOLOGIZE

- moharram is right and should be respected!

- solid apology from thursday there tbh

- PLEASE why did that extra covered in blood TERRIFY me just now

- i need to go to bed 😔

- the casual racism from this old man right now…

- i love that this kid being a movie buff is getting him off murder chargers

- fancy 🥺🥺

- finally stepping up to the plate

- obsessed w him

- what the fuck is goin on in this cafe on this day 🤨🤨🤨

- once again, why tf are doorknobs so HIGH UP in this country?????

- who tf thought a doorknob right next to your head would make sense?

- it should be down by your hand like a good american door 🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸🌎🏈💵💵🦅🦅🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

- joan and morse are so awkward i can’t handle it anymore

- morse showing strange how they spiked the orange juice and then just being like “i just killed you” 😜😜 is SO FUCKING FUNNY

- i always get so unreasonably nervous at these final standoff moments in this show

- like girl what r u afraid of???

- acting like i don’t already know what’s gonna happen 🤨

- all i can say is that i’m glad moharram is not the villain in this episode i would have been so damn mad

- the way he says “i was 19” 😧

- i’m so ill

- i hate war

- [certainly not an original statement but sure]

- he was obviously wrong to send them back into battle like that but he was a literal child and placed in charge of a unit like what did anyone think was gonna happen

- WOAH

- he just shot that dude no big deal that was crazy

- they’re all gonna die of smoke inhalation ☹️

- what on earth is gordon doing

- morse needs to get out of there asap

- why is he always a damsel in distress

- i don’t get it

- he’s just a lil guy 🥺

- [hes a middle aged white man with a pension and a drinking problem]

- brights office looks so different now than it did in season one

- im really not sure if it actually changed it just looks different

- “you’re the best of us, fred.” “the best of us never came home.”

- that was my final straw 😁

- “we are each of us, i think, keepers of the dead.”

- that line goes so hard i had to write it down

- everything goes dramatically downhill from here if im remembering correctly

- cant wait

#good night #endeavour #endeavour itv #endeavour morse #morse #itv endeavour

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peachypizzicato · 2 years ago

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BRO YEAH NO, LIKE EVERY ROUTE WAS A FUCKING SUCKERPUNCH, WHY WAS EVERY GUY SO FUCKING PATHETIC AND UNABLE TO DO SHIT BY THEMSELVES

Like oh my god??? Why am I holding their hand so much?? Grown ass men?? Muriel was done FILTHY. He was SO babified for no reason and gave him every stereotype known to man. (ALSO WHY THE FUCK DO THEY USE SCHEMING WEASEL IN THEIR FUCKING GAME, MINECRAFT PRANK PARODY ASS ROYALTY FREE ASS MUSIC 😭😭😭😭)

Bro I was so fucking disgusted I did not want to touch Asras route but I did. It somehow got worse. He's literally just obsessed and supposed to be like. Aladdin or whatever. My god.

EXACTLYYY YOU UNDERSTANDDDD!!!!

like okay yes obvious blorbo bias incoming but. i will never not be completely infuriated by the way they handled muriel specifically.

i say it a lot with many things about the game, but he had a lot of potential at the very base; a Big Scary whose whole introduction is being mysterious and cryptic and intimidating who ends up just being deeply traumatized and masking a gentle loving heart underneath a cold exterior? like YES please???

and then i guess they made a checklist of every anti indigenous racist stereotype and trope known to man and had to make sure every box was marked. PLUS making him relive trauma and be subjected to (at BEST) constant discomfort throughout his route. you had a lovely character concept and a beautiful man to show for it and you motherfuckers couldn’t help yourselves

and don’t even get me STARTED on asra oh my GOD. i’ll say it since everyone else is too scared to: they made asra to be “exotic” howl pendragon and thats it. someone tell me im wrong. they were pretty clearly intended to be a favorite and therefore end up feeling like fujoshi bait mostly, what with the prettyboy design and never treating their relationship with ilya as nuanced. not a single love interest is a good representation of whatever they’re labeled as or based on. its NUTS

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loufi8iepuff · 2 years ago

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Cd - Lee Felix (part 1/?)

Warnings and/or tropes: Unrequited love (for now), Bestfriends to lovers, Angst-ish? Cheating (Not Felix though) There is no food, other than mentions of hot coco.. There is some swearing, but thats it(:

Summary: You and felix had been friends since childhood and were still best friends to this day. Your moms were best friends and you lived next-door to each other, so it just naturally happened. Felix had been hiding his feelings for years, but one day you found a cd with your name on it, listened to it and his secret got spilled... dun dun dun!!

(This is kinda old.. don’t know how I feel about it.)

Word count: 4280

Stray Kids Masterlist - where you will also find my main!

The rain is hitting the window hard. I'm sitting in clean warm clothes and my wet ones are drying. Me and Felix are the only people in the dorm and we're currently watching a movie in his room.

When the rain started, I ran outside immediately. And Felix came outside right after. We ran and danced out in the rain for ten minutes before Felix got too cold and we had to go back inside.

"I want hot cocoa" Felix suddenly exclaims.

"Girl, relax. You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry" He says not looking sorry at all. Felix stands up, or rather jumps and then runs into the kitchen.

"Ay Sonic, wait for me"

I follow him into the kitchen and he turns around to look at me with a weird mixture of disappointment and.. I don't even know. the face of a shocked toddler, slapped across his face.

"There's no more cocoa powder."

"Well if you want it; there's some in stores, Einstein. Aaand if you don't, can we go back to the movie now, please?"

"i definitely want it"

"Aw cmon.. Do you want me to come with you?" Please say no, please say no, plea-

"No it's okay.."

"Thank you, Lexi. Thank you! That's why i love you, yk" I hug felix and hurry him out the door, while he just looks at me amused.

It really is why I love him. Not because he went to the store alone, but because he really knows me. He knew that I didn't actually want to go even though I didn't show it. Which i am really good at, not to brag.. -Not showing my feelings, that is.

No one has ever known me as well as he does. I feel like he really understands me. He sees me. So I feel care-free around him and i dont give a fvck how I act around him: he still sees the real me no matter what I do.

He is my safe-space, in a way..

The dorm is now really quiet. Other than the rain, the only thing I can hear is my own thoughts. And i'm bored.

I stand up and walk around the room. Felix had gotten a new lamp. And new curtains. Finally! I've for months tried to get him to buy some.

My eyes are slowly scanning the room. I'm not sure what for.. But then they stop, on a cd. In the left corner, with my name written on it.

I stare at it. For what feels like forever. I really, really, really, really want to find out what's on it, but I can't.

Right? It's his property. But it has my name on it... it's not really mine, though. And he'll probably show it to me when he's ready. It's probably a surprise?..

Mmm I don't think so; He knows I don't really care for surprises...

And before I know it, the cd is in my laptop, loading.

And then it's ready. I click play.

"Hi (y/n)... This is your best friend, Felix.

I just... i uh.. I wanted to te-.. I can't do this. What am I even supposed to say?

I don't think I've ever been more confused than I am right now.

Just tell her how you feel.

That voice wasn't Felix'.

Yeah, I can't do that. I don't know how to.. This feels awkward.

Just imagine that she is right in front of you...

No, that's definitely Lee Know. Then there was a pause. Noone said anything.

And then talk.

Well, (y/n); I'm in love with you. yeah.. that's something.

What? ...

Why are you so stiff?

I try to react; but nothing. It's like im parralized.

I don't know. How aren't you? Do you do this often, or something?

I-... Don't try to change the subject. You wanted to do this.

You said that (y/n) likes long, genuine confessions, so do that!

I don't know how to start.

And I don't know what to think. Felix is in love with me. I can't think. So i don't. I just listen.

Just start with.. when did you fall for her? And how? Describe it.. in detail.

Well.. (y/n) and i wer-

Don't tell me; tell her.

Okay..

(y/n), you were fourteen and I was fifteen. We were two young, dumb teenagers running around on the beach. The warm sand burning under our feet. The music was loud and our voices even louder, when you looked at me.

Oh, how you looked at me.

Your smile was brighter than the sun, so bright it started a fire in me when you stood close to me. The flames spread across my cheeks and into my soul.

It felt like your eyes were talking to me. Telling me everything I wanted to hear. About how much you cared about me, that I was precious and important and unique and yours.

That last one was true. I was yours. I am yours. No matter how much I wanted to avoid or ignore it, it was the truth.

That day, on a warm summer day six years ago was the day I realized that I loved you. I was deeply, unconditionally and utterly, completely in love with you.

Well done.. Now yo-

*beep*

And it stopped and I immediately started the next clip.

*Click*

It was your fifteenth birthday. We decided to throw a party ourselves. We baked a cake together. The cake was big and yellow, with daisies as decoration. You told me you wanted to add my favorite flower too, because I was a part of you anyways. I told you that I didn't have one.

I lied. I loved daisies.

You made me love daisies. Everytime i see them I think of you smiling, laughing even and I smile too. I smile until my cheeks go numb and it feels like my heart is about to burst.

We decorated my house in everything rainbow-colored we could find. Originally we were going to have the party in your house, but your mom's plans got canceled and she'd be home. So you begged me to let it be in my house.

You didn't beg for a long time. you didn't have too, because i agreed after barely a minute had passed. I couldn't say no to you, and I probably will never be able to do so.

When the first guest came you ran over and welcomed them. You hugged every single one of them.

Sometimes I hate how you get along with everyone. And that you become all overly comfortable, so you are touchy and share everything with everyone. It's probably pretty dumb that small things like that make me jealous.

We put music on and had been dancing for about an hour when it happened. I was looking at you and you were looking at me, but for a second your eyes wandered across the room, back to me and away again. This time your eyes stayed behind me.

Your eyes changed from your normal happy self to one of someone that was being hypnotized.

I turned around confused and you were looking at a guy I had never seen before. by the looks of it you hadn't either. He was tall, with flowy hair and had a charming smile, or smirk, plastered across his face.

Just your type and I hated it.

You walked over with your back straightened, hips swaying slightly and your stomach flexed. You introduced yourself using the same voice you always do when you flirt with people.

But this time it was different, I knew it was. You had never looked twice at anyone, except him. I stupidly thought It was because you might be looking at me, that you might've liked me.

For the rest of the night you talked and flirted and danced and flirted a little more with him, while I sat in a corner looking at you.

The next day you asked him out on the phone. In front of me. You held my hand, because you were nervous.

I hated this.

I hated how he was the one that made you nervous. You, the person that never gets nervous. I hated how I had to stand there and watch everything unfold. I hated how he took all of your attention away, not leaving one bit for me. That day or the day before was probably the first time you didn't notice that something was wrong with me. And it wasn't because I was good at hiding it. You just didn't look at me.

*beep*

*Click*

The next year on your birthday, you didn't want to celebrate it. You were too busy blabbing about your one year anniversary.

We baked a cake again. like we had done every year, but this time it was for him. It was black and white and in a weird minimalistic design.

After you had started dating him you stopped wearing your necklaces. The ones that look like it was made in a kindergarten. You never wore colorful makeup anymore. You never skipped along beside me, you walked. You stopped smiling as much as you used to.

He took you away from me, and all there was left was a pretty bad imitator.

A day before your anniversary, I came home, tired, from school. I walked in the door, through the hallway and into the kitchen. You were sitting on the counter, with his face attached to yours. He looked like a starving hound. His hand was running up and down your thigh. Way too far up. So far that you showed visible signs of uncomfortability.

My bag fell to the ground and you immediately stopped to look at me. When you saw me you pushed him off of you and hurried him out the door.

I just stood there. -looking like an idiot.

You came back and started apologizing over and over again. I think you told me that you didn't think I'd be home and you couldn't go to your house because your anniversary gift wasn't hidden. I can't be sure though, because I started yelling at you.

At first you didn't react, thinking that I was just tired and frustrated. -which i was. Just not from school.

I was so tired of seeing you with him, when I knew he didn't deserve you. It wasn't that he was a particularly bad boyfriend, -on paper anyways. He just didn't know you and he didn't try too. You were the one putting in the hard work and you hid it from him to not hurt his feelings or to not seem desperate or clingy. He didn't even lift a finger and you deserve someone who would move mountains for you like you do for everyone else.

You tried to calm me down. To make sure I didn't say anything I'd regret.

Surprise, surprise; it didn't work.

I yelled at you for not being more stubborn about your boundaries. I told you that you were clingy and desperate and obsessive.

It didn't even make sense. Those two are like opposites and none of it was true. I was just mad and jealous that I wasn't the one you spend all your days and time on.

The day after, when I called, you told me that it was okay, that you knew I didn't mean it and that I should stop worrying about it. I couldn't, because I knew that you were hurt. So I jumped over the fence and into your backyard. I could see you in the window. You had a big bouquet of roses in your hand and carefully smiled.

I walked back to my house looking down at my feet. It was a weird feeling. I couldn't decide whether I was mad or sad or happy or disappointed. All, maybe?

*beep*

*Click*

Two months later, a little before my eighteenth birthday, it was my last day in Australia. I packed yesterday, because you told me that you wanted to spend the whole day with me.

We took the bus because none of us could drive yet. We went to an amusement park. I went on every ride you wanted to go on, mostly just so I could see you smile like you used to.

We went for a walk in the park and later on, we went to the beach. You immediately ran into the water. Fully clothed. You yelled at me to come and join you. My flight was in a few hours and I really didn't want to be soaked while waiting in line, but I still followed you. Like I always do.

Time flew by and before we knew it my mom called me, ready to pick us up. We ran to the closest store to get some dry clothes and took turns changing in the bathroom.

The car ride was quiet. You followed me inside the airport to stay with me as long as possible and when it was time to say goodbye you hugged me and wouldn't let go of me.

"Don't leave me, Felix. Please?"

That's what you said to me. You sounded desperate and tired. I didn't really want to leave you, but I knew I couldn't stay.

"Stay, Felix"

You said my name again. It makes me nervous. I love the way my name sounds coming from your lips. You usually call my some dumb nickname. The dumber the better, apparently. But right then you didn't talk to me the way you usually do. You wanted to convince me that you needed me to stay.

I don't think you lied to me on purpose, but I was sure it was a lie. You could live without me. It would hurt, sure, but you would survive. I couldn't. I couldn't live without you. Nor could I live with you. Not with him around.

So I ran. I ran to a whole other country. Maybe that makes me a coward, but it was the only option I could see back then. If i moved away, i could still talk to you and have you in my life, and either forget he existed, which probably wouldn't work, since you always talk about him, or i could move on.

I hugged you one last time. I promised that I would call everyday, no matter what. And then I left.

*beep*

*Click*

I kept my promise. I called everyday and even on the days where I was extremely busy I still called, later at night.

Even though we called every night you felt so far away. I missed hugging you so much. I missed seeing you jump around, do really dumb stuff and then get hurt.

Not the last part! I don't like seeing you get hurt. But uhh...

You missed...?

Minho again.

I.. uh missed seeing you smile and laugh. In real life and not just on camera. I missed playing card games with you. -even though I always lost. I missed those times where you'd kiss my cheek to make me flustered, when you were losing in Mario Kart. I missed your dumb nicknames and all your random complements.

I missed you. So much.

You always told me how you really wanted to come visit me, that you would move here when you turned eighteen. I honestly thought you were joking, but knowing you; I should've known better.

You also always told me that you were so proud of me, even, especially when I got eliminated. And then when I debuted you seemed even more excited about it than I did. You ran around telling everyone that your best friend was a famous idol.

Time to time you send me gifts. Like a million bracelets you made for me or a drawing you made of me. It made me so happy. I'd be running around, grinning like an idiot for a week after you gave me something. I still wear your bracelets everyday.

You stopped talking about your boyfriend as much. Actually nearly never. It happened so little I actually forgot he exited sometimes. I really wished he didn't.

The other members teased me about you all the time. I told them that I didn't feel anything for you, but none of them believed me. Noone talks about a friend, the way I talk about you. It was incredibly obvious, you'd be an idiot if you didn't notice.

You're an idiot, (y/n).

Maybe you weren't. Or maybe you're still not one. Maybe you did notice, you just didn't want to believe it or you didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I hope that's not the truth. I hope that you are just really oblivious.

(y/n), if you hear this and don't have any feelings for me; please, just reject me. If you do, I might be able to move on. I don't think you'll hear this, though. I'm way too scared to confess.

*beep*

*Click*

The month before your birthday you started talking more and more about how you wanted to go to Korea. So much that you actually started planning it and started saving up for it. And before I knew it you were sending me to look at a new apartment for you in the area, since you couldn't go yourself.

Not too long after we found a small, inexpensive apartment just around the corner.

And then you were here. You were standing right in front of me, smiling widely. You hugged me and I could actually feel your arms around me. It felt so surreal.

You started handing me some gifts from my family and friends back home, and you made me help you carry some of the bags.

I introduced you to Chan, who drove me to the airport, and you hitted off immediately. Later that night, when I took you to meet the rest of them, you also got along just as quickly. Maybe you got along a bit too well.

I wasn't really jealous. I knew none of them would ever get with you. They wouldn't do that to me. I was just annoyed about how much the boys teased me about you. In front of you. If it already wasn't obvious it sure was now.

But you didn't notice. -or didn't care. You just laughed. Sometimes you even played along.

They just kept doing it. They still do it now.

I think it took me a week or so to realize that you were actually here. With me.

It didn't take you long to get used to this, though. In a month you probably knew the area better than I did. You always hung around in the dorm.

At first you didn't stay there for too long at a time, because you didn't want to intrude, but after I finally convinced you that the other members really liked having you there; you stayed longer.

It was really nice having you there. Most of the time. That christmas, we wanted a small celebration with just us in the dorm, but your boyfriend had planned a surprise visit for you.

So christmas evening you came over hand in hand with your precious boyfriend. You were wearing his jacket, even though you were never cold. You went around the room and introduced him to everyone. None of them liked him. Mostly, well only because I didn't. Some of them hid it well, but others, Specifically Hyunjin and Lee Know, weren't even trying to.

I felt bad, because you felt bad. I think it was worse for you than it was for him.

When you guys left the others tried to comfort me. They told me that I was so much better than him, that he wasn't all that, but it didn't really help. It made it so much worse that I thought he was a good person.

He was charming and smart and good-looking and really good at nearly everything.

And you liked him. A lot. That's what you told me. Even after two years you hadn't even told each other that you loved each other. It gave me a bit of hope. i shouldn't have, but it did.

It shouldn't have, because I knew why you hadn't. You didn't know whether you actually did or not. I thought you did. I mean you care about him, you had feelings for him, you had been with him for two whole years. Why wouldn't you love him?

I asked you about it and you told me that you knew that you knew you could live without him. You would definitely be really hurt if he left, but it would be okay. You told me that you loved me and you couldn't live without me and you just didn't feel that way about him.

I remember that night so clearly.

We had just watched some romantic comedy with Sungmin, Hyunjin and I.N, it was about a girl and her best friend. She had a boyfriend, but later realized that she didn't love him and only loved her best friend.

It was a good movie. I imagined that it was me and you. Even though you were nothing like the main character. She was shy, closed off and maybe a little whiny. You're definitely not like that.

I.N, Hyunjin and Sungmin left after the movie and we started talking. You weren't a big fan of the movie. You actually said you hated the boyfriend simply because he didn't like books and jokingly judged the main character for loving them.

We kept talking and I jokingly compared you, me and him to the plot. And you just said:

"I don't think i love him, Felix"

"I love you felix, but i dont trust him the way i trust you. And, I don't care about him as much."

I had no idea what to say, so I just stayed quiet and listened. I closed my eyes and kept listening. For just a second I let myself imagine that, when you said you loved me, you meant it like that. That you felt the same way about me. Only for a second.

At the end of the day you were with him and not me.

*beep*

*Click*

You were going back to Australia to surprise your boyfriend on your third anniversary.

It felt weird, because even though I was still in love with you, I had kind of just accepted that you were with him. It didn't really hurt anymore. He loved you, you loved him and I loved you. That was just simply how it was. I honestly thought you were going to be together forever.

So imagine my surprise, when you called me, absolutely pissed and asked me if I could book a new flight for you.

I was so confused and when I asked you what happened, you simply told me he cheated. Just like that.

You stayed with your parents for the night and flew back early in the morning. I had Chan drive me there again and we picked you up. You didn't say anything the whole way home. Chan dropped us off at your apartment.

The second we walked through the door you hugged me, you clung to me like a magnet. And you started crying, probably for the first time since it happened.

You told me everything that night. How you were so excited and barged in, just to find him with another woman.

At first he tried denying it, then he promised it was a one the thing and that it would never happen again, then he started blaming you.

He accused you of cheating with me.

Which is absolutely ridiculous because: One; you would never in your life cheat. Two; you had never even looked at me like that. Three; you really cared about him.

He probably only said it to feel less guilty. He knew that nothing was going on between us, he was just a dick.

I felt really guilty that I let him hurt you. I thought i had excused everything with me just not liking him because of my feelings, but i now see that he was just a good actor.

I promised myself that I would never let anyone hurt you ever again. That's why I became so cautious with who I "let" you go out with.

*beep*

*Click*

It took you a while to get over him. Not any longer than I thought it would, but a while.

After a few months you started going outside again. Mostly just to shop for groceries or to see me, but that's still progress.

On my birthday we remade your fifteenth birthday cake. It was obviously a bit better than the first try, but other than that it was identical.

You slept over at the dorms for the first time, since your ex-boyfriend hadn't let you over before. You slept in my arms that night. It was the first day since the break up you hadn't talked, and probably, thought about your ex.

By Christmas you barely ever thought about him, so you decided that you wanted to start dating again. And then you went on dates.. a lot. You went out every weekend, but none of them became a second date.

It felt like playing the slowest game of russian roulette ever. Or waiting for a grade on an exam you already know you failed, but you need to pass to get into college.

I was preparing for that one time where you are gonna call me, -or even run to the dorms, just to tell me about how (in great detail) someone else was the most amazing person ever and how well they treated you. Even though we'd both know that it was just minimal effort and basic human respect.

That hasn't happened yet, though.

This felt worse than when you were with him, because even though he's a dick, I knew he wouldn't hurt you. Physically that is. But when you go on dates with all of these strange people you met online or through friends, I have no idea of what they might do to you.

I tried to tell you this, but you just get annoyed. You tell me, everytime, that you know and remind me how you have been a woman for long enough to know. And then I can't really say anything more. What would I even say?

"I, a cis man, know way better than you and you should listen to me" or i could just confess and you'll stop for a short while and then just do it again in secret to not hurt my feelings. Yeah, that would make it so much safer, wouldn't it?

I do know that you know, (y/n). I just also know that you've never cared about your own health, to give a sh*t.

*beep*

*Click*

So... yeah.

(y/n), I love you. A lot more than you think.

But please don't feel guilty about anything that happened that might've hurt me... And please don't give me a chance because you feel guilty.

If you do -give me a chance; let it be because you actually have feelings for me.

I'll be okay. I just really don't wanna ruin our friendship. (y/n), I can't lose you.

If you hear this and you don't feel anything for me, please just tell me and then pretend you never heard this. Don't even hide anything to spare anything to spare my feelings, just pretend it never happened..

Please run to me and rant about this new person you met, ask me for relationship advice when you need it and let me be your best-man to your wedding. I just want you to be happy, and then I'll be happy too.

So.. goodbye, (y/n). I'll see you later, I guess... Bye."

*beep*

Wow.

Honestly now that I think about it, it was very obvious.

I think I didn't see it because; i have my whole life avoided thinking about Felix in that way.

I hate this. I feel nauseous. Like someone just punched all my guts out of me.

Felix loves me and I don't love him. He has felt like this for years. And I didn't notice, even though it was so dang obvious.

If i'd ju-

*SLAM*

That was the door. Felix is back.

"Honey, I'm home!"

Well, sh*t.

Here is part 2.

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