#also im still practicing photography and i think im getting better

[thatsadguymochi]

A pretty neat daffodil growing in my grandma's yard :D

[luvistqrzzz]

L♡VE THEORY- sim jake oneshot teaser

i think im fallin' in you

deeply and slowly

NOTE- the earlier oneshot idea has been changed into an upcoming smau w changes to the plot, so check it out here!

PAIRING- jake x f.reader

SUMMARY- For you love was a game, like a theory better left un practiced. But what happens when you cross paths with Hybe Uni's star soccer player, Jake and sparks fly? Can he explain a way out of your love theory? Or will you get tangled in his games of love?

Alternatively where Jake Sim reminds you way too much about your first kiss from summer camp.

GENRE- fluff, angst, college!au, ex-crush!jake, crush/acquaintances to strangers to lovers, physics major!jake, photography major!reader

WORD COUNT- idk... hoping 8k to 10k// TEASER- 0.35K

TAGLIST- open! Send an ask or comment

@4hysgf @kishmish-ihate @noascats @tnyhees @beomgyusonlywife @txtbrainrot @chaechae-23

WARNINGS- profanity, drinking and college parties, jake being kind of a douche (dw he redeems himself!), more tba

RELEASE DATE- tba, but hopefully i'll finish writing this before my summer break ends

A/N- this is set in the same universe as The Accidental Polaroid, you can find some coinciding plot lines but the smau can be read as a stand alone ofc!

You were never good at sports. It wasn't like you hated the concept of it but rather you hated playing it. You had never been one of those physically fit and active people, eager to run around and multitask. Also you had terrible hand/leg eye coordination for a 20 year old.

When as a six year old, you broke your leg whilst playing soccer, you just grew a particular dislike towards it. Call it a childish habit or your inability to understand the game but soccer wasn't your thing. And that has continued well into your adult years.

Just like love.

Too bad for you, Sim Jaeyun loved sports. Or in particular soccer. Well, saying he loved it would have been an understatement because the boy literally breathed in the sport.

And it was during one such soccer match did you meet him. Normally you would have preferred to stay at home but majoring in photography had its pros and cons, one such being clicking pictures for the college's soccer team as they bathed in all their winning glory (or sweat).

You hadn't seen the players up close before but standing at the side of the field, your camera in action, you could understand why so many students gushed about their good looks. "Heartbreakers first, Heartthrobs second", your friend Kazuha had told you after her brief relationship with Taehyun.

You were, in all sense, a professional person. You weren't the one to be distracted by their looks, the game or the cheers the crowd erupted into when Hybe Uni won the match 1-0. But then you locked eyes with the star player of the match. It was like a flash, just enough for you to click a picture of him, not even five seconds but you felt yourself go still.

And it wasn't only because of the fact that the dyed blonde haired boy looked attractive with the smirk on his lips and the playfulness in his features as he stared straight into the camera. No, it was his eyes. His warm brown eyes that you had seen somewhere…

why are we so complicated?

love's a word i've always hated.

Feedbacks are highly appreciated <3!!

work belongs to @/luvistqrzzz do not copy, repost or translate my work

[k1rameki]

YEAHHHHH LONG OVERDUE AGOTI HC POST ‼️‼️ (human + digidevil designs teehee :3)

afro-latino icon, we love to see it,, also vitiligo bc i said so

transmasc agender agoti for the mfing win ‼️‼️‼️‼️ the ceo of being gender non conforming frfr

has autism, adhd, c-ptsd, bipolar disorder and agoraphobia

ARTIST IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD >:3 music, drawing, photography, you name it

YOU GUYS ALREADY KNOW I DRAW AGOTI W GLASSES ALL THE TIME,, he didn’t start wearing them until later into his teen years because #insecurities

LOVES GIVING PHYSICAL AFFECTION especially to the people he’s closest to, so hugs and casually resting on someone is a very common thing

HEAVY METAL MUSIC LOVER ‼️‼️ especially interested in j-metal bands like unlucky morpheus (this totally isnt bc unlucky morpheus is my favourite band 😇)

ABSOLUTE GOD AT RHYTHM GAMES. arcade, mobile, you name it, agoti will boss any advanced level because of their quick reflexes and intense practice! they play arcaea, project sekai, taiko no tatsujin, and a bunch more games (his fav project sekai unit is wxs and his fav characters are mizuki, emu, nene and an :3)

when he’s not up all night playing video games agoti can sleep through anything and everything

astronomy spinterest! knows a bunch of random space trivia and has a telescope and a dozen space encyclopaedias in their room :3

if you piss agoti off, he’s gonna get revenge in the pettiest ways possible, for example:

“agoti did you eat my fucking cereal”

“i don’t know what you're talking about :)”

people have often asked the question “could you beat agoti in a fight?” and the answer is 100% NO. not only can this mf use his swords to his advantage but this bro does taekwondo too and you cannot tell me otherwise

bro is incredibly picky with the food that he eats, but will absolutely go ham for sour candy (bonus if it’s peach or cherry flavoured)

EXTREMELY SENSITIVE TO LOUD NOISES. especially fireworks, they will have a meltdown over the constant loud explosion sounds even if the colours are really pretty (that’s totally not me projecting no not at all)

CAT LOVER ‼️‼️ since sol brings a lot of stray cats to the andromeda household, quite a few are under agoti’s care and he names them goofy names and treats them as if they’re his children

has no idea how to express his emotions at all and often times he cries for no particular reason (or so they say, agoti has a bunch of repressed memories and trauma that he doesn’t acknowledge at all)

was and still is a scene kid, and often times enjoys going out dressed head to toe in sparkly accessories and all sorts of elaborate and colourful outfits

despite being evil as hell sometimes, agoti is genuinely very empathetic and can often understand other’s emotions better than people think

HE’S A MAMA’S BOY!! ever since sol introduced amora to the boys, they’ve been inseparable,, amora and agoti spend a bunch of time together and talk to each other about everything, including all of the things agoti sees and does on a day to day basis

“oh my god mom you won’t believe the bullshit i just witnessed”

“do tell, agoti”

he and tabi are lifelong friends :3 they met in early childhood and ever since then they were joined at the hip

SPEAKING OF TABI the two of them even in adulthood have regular nightly conversations about dumb things, over the phone or in person

“hey tabi have you ever picked a skittle up off the ground and ate it? it’s honestly delicious and i would totally recommend”

“excuse me? agoti do i need to call your therapist again”

i have a bunch more that im gonna make a seperate post for mwhehehehehe :3

[elisedonut]

instead of using my time wisely and finishinng editing my Perclin podfic i instead choose to reread the long Polish fic

i still like it a lot

i want to comment on it so bad but I'm so scared they will delete it if i do since I've had that happen to me like three times when it comes to older hp fic for you know pretty obvious reasons

but i want to talk about it

like Colin is so unhinged like he falls so hard so fast just because Percy saved him from the basilisk and Percy's just enjoying having someone really excited to listen to him talk and asking him all sorts of questions

Like during the years where Percy's still in school Colin practically becomes his little shadow and it's so cute

while Percy's just like "Aw, now please let me study" about it

and Colin's impulse control is in the negatives because he legit try's to kiss him as a second year and Percy doesn't take his crush seriously at all

and during GOF Colin get's him chocolate that outright have 'i love you' written on them and it's funny because Percy's trying so hard to reject him here and Colin is making it very difficult and then the twins interrupt and seem like they want to cause trouble

but like they notice the chocolate and Colin's red rimmed eyes and are immediately like 'on second thought we are not touching this with a ten foot pole" and immediately back down

also Percy gives in so easy in this fic kfjslkdf like I'm not normally too squicked by like inappropriate ages and such in ships but i know some people are

like Percy tries to reject him but it just doesn't really stick and they start kissing so early and every time I'm just Percy babe what are you doing get ahold of yourself about it

but i am willing to ignore it personally because i really like the Colin in this and the crush nonsense in and off itself is really cute

also i read one of the other ones too and that was is a post canon Colin lives au and was very cute

and in it Percy is convinced there's something going on between Charlie and Colin and being very Percy about it (aka very my siblings are better then me and that ofc no one would ever choose me kinda vibes) its actually just a photography job that Colin would have to be in Romania for awhile for but i think im going to be thinking about that for awhile

also love that that one just starts outright with Colin taking pictures of Percy while he's working without permission i love him so much

[yakeisoda]

Hello, just wanna start this off by saying that I love your art. I've decided to ask my favourite artists for art tips as I wanna get into it, but no matter what I do it never looks right. So, any tips?

HELLO TYSM!!! ngl i dont think im the best 4 this question im also kinda in a rut rn where im not really satisfied w my art n craving more progress and improvement but im getting there somewhat but very slowly! (ive been this way for a rly long time naow) this might be long but im gna try n throw in the things ik, sorry if my thoughts r messy im not the best in articulating stuff :')

i think a good way to start off is to find out what skill you lack the most or what you want to improve the most on, say for ex: u wna focus on getting better at composition for illustrations, then a good way to improve them is to learn about the composition rules (ex: rule of 3rds, etc), look for any scenes in films/animation or photographies and storybooks , study them and recreate it! go crazy !! ive done a study on a friend's picture before, and have asked my friends if i can use their photographies as practice!

looking for inspiration will also improve ur visual library, they can help u find what u wna put in ur art ! like perhaps certain color palettes or styles, it's best to look at different mediums of art instead of focusing only on one, sometimes u can find techniques meant 4 u! (ex: of this is my friend who used to be a watercolor artist, ive observed them using watercolor techniques when they were still new to digital art! basically mix n match whatever feels good/convenient 4 u :] )

disciplining urself is also good to have more improvement! i have trouble w this the most ever since bc its hard 2 focus if no one is like there to monitor u (in my experience), if u rly wna make progress u have to squeeze in some art practice time in ur schedule, it can be around 15-30 mins or even 3 hrs, completely up to you! (rmb to take breaks!). you can give urself deadlines if that will help n maybe timers too!

my prof always said "Proper practice makes perfect", so it's also best to practice with a clear goal in mind, take notes on the things u lack and if ur watching any art tutorials/speedpaints, take notes of those too! it's good to have something specific in mind so u wont get lost n u wud know what u wna do! it helps u retain info as well so u can look back on stuff, to avoid overwhelming urself u can just focus on small bits first, ex: in anatomy, u can focus on the head area first, break it down to drawing eyes and noses, etc! then u can move onto the torso area!

USE REFS!!!! make use of pinterest or any other refs u can find, cannot stress this enuf go crazyyy w references, make a moodboard full of referencess n go crazzyy w them!! i used to not like doing this bc i just head straight in to drawing bc thats what i was used to but art college trained me 2 use refs bc they help so very much, theyre like ur guideline for what u wna make so u have a clear goal in mind, also photobashing seems like a great practice too never tried it but yes it can help when ur planning an illustration/concept art!

^above also applies to art styles! go crazy n experiment w them!! i think its so very fun to explore diff art styles n not stick to 1, again this depends on u but having a different range of artworks is rly fun, u can go from very pastel soft colors n style, to smth very vibrant n sharp, to smth like dark n chalky-sketchy kind of vibe if im making sense T__T, basically go wild!! go crazy!! dont let urself sit in 1 box! hop into other boxes !! or wear all of them!! or poke holes in the box n add stuff to the box or wear a circle!! trust me it looks so fun if u put different artworks uve made side by side n go wow i did that!!

also create small thumbnails 4 illustration! its really best to plan ahead art too, as i said i used to just head straight in n not plan but ive learned to absolutely enjoy planning making art! collecting refs n seeing what kind of composition goes n what colors wud work is so very fun actually! it rly helps a lot

theres also this one post i lost the link, but basically it shows how much progress u can make if u make loose sketches vs full on rendered illustrations vs a mix of both, again this depends entirely on u bc things r different for everyone! i think that post is really good for teaching abt art progress (if any1 knows where it is pls do link!), i think focusing on sketches n practice is better tho bc it helps u draw more freely n loosely! i think that speeds up ur process more as well n doesnt make u lose interest immediately compared 2 focusing on finishing 1 big rendered illust (talking from experience) but then again its different for every1 so honestly just experiment n see what feels right for u!

i wna say tho that although it is good to make sure ur drawing looks right its also good to just let yourself draw freely, i think what matters is that u understood the structures of something and as long as ur able to apply that in ur own way i think thats gud! i think drawing freely helps u draw more fluidly? like having more expression is what i mean. ive gotten into the "i have 2 make this look right" hole before n i noticed it made my art look stiff, so highlyy recommend doing gesture drawing n life studies! rmb to have fun when practicing n learning,

dont pressure urself too much! enjoy the experience :] ! messy sketches r good!! not everything has to look good or perfect! my sketchbooks from way back were just doodles, pencil sketches no color mostly, theres an occasional lined one w markers , ballpen, n some highlighters, n my drawings were either smth funny that happened w me n frens with our personas or making ocs for my faves or ocs for me in general!

ur sketchbook doesnt have to look pretty its like ur diary but its art ykno! ur thoughts in visual form for the day! (again all up to u as long as u have fun! its all different 4 everyone!)

anw tysm again!! sorry if this was all over the place HAHSAW i tried my best but these r the tips i keep in mind most of the time or the ones i hold closest to me n that i try to apply as much as i cud! if u need anything else clarified just lmk! not the best w words but hopefully it helps :'')! most of the stuff i mentioned here i also need to take into practice HAHWHAW so mb its gud 4 me to write this down so i can finally push myself to do stuff,

[dreamingdruka]

thank you for tagging me @polar-bears-making-pancakes !!!

Are you named after anyone: i once read an asoiaf fic that used the word 'druka' for the sister of a wildling queen who was a basically a travelling healer, used google translate and found out it means 'witch' in norwegian. i really loved the vibe of that word and chose it for myself! the 'dreaming' part is supposed to be an inception reference lol (those were my main 2 fandoms when i made my account, but i stuck with the name!)

When was the last time you cried: its been quite a while! not because im particularly happy tho, im just never alone now...

Do you have kids: no, i dont think i ever will or want to

Do you use sarcasm a lot: often enough that my irl friends never know if im serious abt something or not. i think its just because i use a dead serious expression while saying the most unhinged shit ever

What sports do you play/have played: i did roller skating!! i stopped a while back but can still pick up a decent speed (not for very long tho im outta practice)

What's the first thing you notice about people: the way they walk and their accent (both in english and my mothertongue)

What's your eye color: dark brown

Scary movies or happy endings: scary movies just do not interest me at all idk why. happy endings are better, but i like mine more bittersweet! (also: movies with huge and complicated plots are the best)

Any special talents: im above average on a lot of stuff, but nothing that i can think of rn that im exceptionally good at

Where were you born: dont wanna say rn lol

What are your hobbies: other than watching youtube, movies, and shows? drawing, a bit of night time photography, and been getting into editing

Do you have pets: no sadly. but im def gonna get a cat when i have my own place and am more stable financially

How tall are you: 165 cm (5'5'')

Favorite subject in school: english literature, maths, history, pol. science (i liked all the fun learning parts ok never the mugging up parts)

Dream job: something to do with coding and/or deep space research/exploration

tagging: @enaosonhar @rosblad @elissaflowers and anyone who wants to!!!

[pankomako]

there's probably like a million others out there already, but since im seeing a lot of my friends hop on tumblr due to the twitter situation i figured i'd give this a go. so, welcome to

panko's guide to tumblr!

i've been using this site for almost a year now, so i suppose i'm at least somewhat qualified to do this. i mainly just want to do this for fun honestly. i think lots of people have covered more of the setup and what to expect from tumblr as a whole so i think i'll focus on more of the usage of this site, because it's definitely much different from twitter, and, in my opinion, FAR better, plus that's the thing people seem to be the most confused about. so, here we go!

Post Features

the first thing you may notice is that tumblr has no character limit on posts! if you want to post a 10,000 word essay on the motives of your favorite character from the video game or tv show you're super into right now, nobody's stopping you. already so much more convenient than making threads on twitter.

there's a variety of options you can use to make your text more visually interesting, add emphasis, and/or organize your post! when you highlight text (at least on browser, i dont use the app), these options will appear above what you highlighted. you can make your text bold, italicized, bigger (on a new line), smaller, crossed out, or even colored! under the drop-down list there are other options too such as cursive text and lists. you can also add hyperlinks to text if you want. (this is all in the rich text editor, you can also switch to HTML or Markdown by going to your post settings.)

you can also add plenty of other media to posts! you can add up to 30 images which you can arrange however you please, although from my experience arranging images is kinda clunky, but still way better than twitter lol. you can also add gifs, videos (one per post), audio files (10 per post), and embed links. you can also add a cutoff line where everything under that line is hidden under a "read more" button, which is very useful for longer posts.

when you make a post, there is a space to add a title, but it's not required. most people don't add titles unless it helps with formatting.

you can also schedule a post to be posted at a certain time, queue posts to be posted on a consistent schedule, change who can reblog a post, and even save posts as drafts if you want/need to come back to them later.

Tags

Under every post you make/reblog, there is an option to add tags. these are in their own section under the post itself. you can add as many as you want afaik, but they can only be so many characters long. on tumblr, tags have multiple uses.

you can add tags that correspond to your post such as the topic or fandom (and characters/people involved), or whether it's art or photography, for example, to try to help get your post out there. it's preferred and just better in general to only add tags that are relevant to your post. don't tag character fanart as sports or food or pop music, but ESPECIALLY not an unrelated fandom.

you can also use tags to organize your blog and make it easier to find specific posts. you can tag your own art as "my art" and art you reblog from friends as "friends' art", and even create your own tags for specific topics you frequently post about, such as your oc world or a fandom fic or au you have. i personally don't use tags for organization much, but i do have my own tags for the two oc worlds i have. (you can do this even if you're not a fandom-goer or artist, these just serve as an example bc im both lol)

you can even use tags to add extra comments to a post. lord knows i do this a lot myself. lots of people will use tags to sort of ramble off-handedly under a post when it's not the main content of said post. this is especially common under reblogs - more on that later. since you can add spaces within tags, writing full sentences in the tags is easy and a very common practice. just be careful when using commas; adding a comma starts a new tag.

Notes

similarly to how twitter has likes, retweets and comments, tumblr has likes, reblogs and replies. however, these are all combined into one sum of notes. all notes on a post are compiled under the source post. by clicking on the number of notes under a post, you can see a list of all replies, likes and reblogs on a post, if you're curious like me.

on tumblr, likes act as more of a bookmarking tool. you can look at a list of all the posts you liked, and you can have this list displayed on your blog if you want, but likes do NOT increase the visibility of a post. if you want to help a post gain traction, you need to reblog it. if you don't want that post on your blog, but you want to let the person know that you've seen and enjoyed their post, you can leave a like as a small but kind gesture if you want. if you were playing minecraft, liking a post would be akin to punching a mob, but reblogging would be like using a sword. it may not necessarily be a powerful diamond sword, but it does more than a one-damage punch. i should also mention - you can only like a post once; if you like a reblog of a post, you like the source post and can't like separate reblogs of the post.

reblogs are the core of tumblr's functionality. this site does not have an algorithm, so reblogs are the only way for posts to circulate. it's probably pretty easy to figure out, but reblogs put another person's post on your own blog and on your followers' feeds. this is likely the biggest difference between tumblr and twitter: you can reblog a post as many times as you want, and you can add on to a post directly by reblogging, which is much different from a quote-tweet on twitter. also different from quote-tweets, all notes on reblogs are notes contributed to the source post. in a reblog, you can add a comment either in normal text or in the tags, and you can add images and gifs as well. it's common courtesy to put comments that don't contribute to the post in the tags, such as saying you think a post is funny. lots of famous tumblr posts are chains of reblogs - unlike on twitter where you can only retweet one tweet/reply at a time, you can reblog these reblog chains. you can also add the tags of the person you reblogged from to your own reblog if you want, though usually people just say "prev" if they liked the previous reblogger's tags.

replies are a convenient way to have a conversation under a post without repeatedly reblogging. although convenient, replies are limited in what you can do with them. they're text-only and have a character cap. but they're still a good way to add a quick comment to a post if you don't want it on your blog. you can also reply directly to a person in the notes of a post by mentioning them in your reply. replies can be deleted from a post or be turned off for a post entirely by the original poster.

I think that's about all you need to know to get started posting and reblogging, but please feel free to add on if i did happen to forget anything. thanks for reading and happy tumbling! :D

[061801]

im a mess omg

Okay firstly I was anxious to write this post because I'm like where do I even start? Then I looked at this blog and damn I'm a mess here too. I swear I have like blog OCD. I want 1 billion blogs for each aesthetic or colour and emotion its ridiculous. ANYWAY...

Today I want to work on myself. I feel like everyday I get distracted from what I should really be doing. I feel lucky though because there's an energy pulling me towards what I am supposed to be doing... I think. It's making me feel uncomfortable in positions I don't need to be in anymore. Drinking and partying used to be my personality. Like I started to look back and ask myself if I would even hangout with any of the friends I have if it weren't for our mutual addictions? Most of them, no. That doesn't make them bad people but they're just not the people I really wanna be around without alcohol.

So now I'm starting to ask myself... who am I without alcohol? Who do I want to surround myself around? What do I like doing? I think about my interests and hobbies when I was a kid. Gymnastics, playing piano, and photography and videography. I used to like drawing and painting and making clay sculptures. I like singing and dancing too. I actually had a crazy amount of hobbies. I feel like I had so many I never got really good at one. I used to be pretty good at art but I don't know what it is, when I try now I can't think of what to draw or paint to save the life of me. It really sucks. Gymnastics is still really intriguing to me but REALLY hard, and extremely dangerous and also really expensive. So when I can convince myself to get out of bed, I try my best to paint or do photography. I like doing portrait photography but I only have one friend who I hangout with and it gets boring shooting the same person. I've shot a couple of my friends but they don't end up liking the photos so they don't let me post 95% of them and right now the pictures I take are specifically to draw attention to my work so I can start charging. So if I'm not making any money or have any content to post, there's really no point. Yes I have fun doing it for the hell of it but I would like to do something with my photos. Maybe I should take photos of products or cars soon.

On the topic of being distracted though, I never have much money because I only work part time. Therefore any money I decide to spend I feel so guilty about it because I really don't have it, its just... I really want SOMETHING to make me happy. Whether it's alcohol, weed, clothes, food or talking to guys tbh. I've gotten used to giving in to whatever I want as long as I have the capability to do it. So I feel like in brief moments where I can't get myself what I want right away, I feel sad or bored. I want to actually work towards something I want in life but I just can't figure out what it is. I want to go back to school but I'm having a really hard time with what I want to actually pursue. I wanted to do hairstyling really badly but they only have fast track and I'm confused why they don't have a regular one. I'm not really in a position to be able to move to go to a regular course either so if they don't have it I'm going to have to pick something else. I really want to work on my G2 which I have to hangout with my mom in order to do, but i'm always stoned or when I go hangout with her I get drunk. (it is my fault that I give in, she doesn't make me do anything I don't want to. I just know its there and I get tempted very easily which I need to work on and have gotten better at.) But I just texted her asking when we should practice next because I just want to get that going. I applied to a few jobs. I feel at least a little better than before. I should call shoppers to get a refill on my prescription which I will... then I gotta text my manager and ask her when I work next and if I can pick up my cheque some time. Okay. I'm getting really distracted and ADHD and I can't focus on this anymore lol. Now all I'm thinking about is what I want to do all day to distract myself from how bored I am. First of all shower, and shave. I could do my hair, my makeup, my nails. Clean my house, take out the garbage and recycling, put dresser in my room for now, practice piano, workout, yoga. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Depressive Episodes : Owning up to my emotions and allowing the waves of depression to push me through my toughest battles.

One thing about me, is that I never give up.

Im resilient, even when I don't believe it.

I've never allowed myself to fail, even when at times I knew I was falling. Its just... not in me to let go. I just gotta breathe, man. I can't see myself allowing the world to dig me into my own grave.

But that doesn't mean I havent thought about it.

Sometimes when I can't see the future, I go crazy and can't stop myself from having a manic depressive episode.

Other times, I can see the future, or the idea of it, and still go into a manic episode. So of course.. it doesn't matter when, what or where, when that wave of depression hits.. it starts to get me down to one of those spiraling series waiting to be channeled into something else.

So far, I've learned to creative outlets for my depression. Being honest, and escaping into worlds of creativity like painting, drawing, poetry.. Im still learning how to paint my emotions and make it seem more meaningful. But hey, anything to cure the depressive thoughts. I can't live like this anymore.

But the thing is, depression comes through waves and tries to leave its mark on society due to a painful reality we seem to suppress within. We can't lie to ourselves anymore, things are getting worse, and it seems as if it has no plans on getting better.

Or so they say...

I have a feeling that depression in our society has a LOT to do with our needs not being met, but ALSO because theres something negging at us to be seen. And its love.

We live in a cold reality, where most people pretend to be in their ego but not in their hearts. The warmth we are needing is in community, but there hasnt been too many spaces for community to fondle in. Depression sticks due to some of the food we eat, the shows and news we digest, the constant negativity that is plastered in front of us day in and day out. You know.. this can tire out a lost soul, and distract you from the primary mission. So to say that depression can be easy to fix, isn't the most practical way of thinking, at least not on my end.

Its taken me 5 years to really get to the nitty & gritty of depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear.. etc... and I've come to the conclusion that this thing can be generational as well as something going on in the psyche and needs further analyzation in other to appreciate the whys and the why nots of depression so you can heal it clearer. In most cases, depression can find healing through the arts, but what if thats not your niche? What if theres something more you must succumb to and haven't figured it out?

One of the things I've learned is mathematics. Boy I hated math as a kid cause I 'sucked' and I kept failing, however as I've made it to adulthood, I realize I DO love math, just not the way it was taught. Over time, I've made time to study math and all its different layers, its like a universal code. It helped me remember some parts of my childhood that made it easier to appreciate it. I say this because it's been one thing that's lifted me up along side photography. On of the main things that lifted up my energies into higher vibrations and being able to relieve myself of any depressive wave that entered my energy. Anytime I do feel depression sometimes I sit with it, sometimes I go and find purpose.

Because depression is causing you to lack clarity, focus, drive and remembrance of your souls horizon. Your purpose. Your mission. What reason did you decide to come here, love?

So what I want you all to know is that when your feeling depressed, there is something in you that wants to be notified. Yes those emotions are deep and sometimes rather intense but the only way to get out of the mud is if you get to digging and remembering why you even started doing it in the first place. It's so you can get back to you.

So began to say good bye to your depression, your healing era awaits my love. Depression is only a wave of thunderstorms creating a destiny for you to see that rainbows are on the other side of that tired, daunting feeling.

[lovings4turn]

HI! Congrats on 500!!

[ 🪩 ] who's your money on? - send me a little bit about yourself along with a gender preference and fandom(s) , and i'll ship you with someone n provide a few headcanons too

So i have a masc preference and the f1 grid please <3

So um, im a Sagittarius, currently working as a waitress (and I love love love my job) I also love making food for the people i care about, it’s kinda how i show my love i guess. I’m fiercely loyal and will fight tooth and claw for my loved ones and will go down with the ship. I’m a huge music fan and my current obsession is Maisie Peters (ysuft is my life). I like photography, mainly Polaroids but i personally suck at it but im trying to get better.

I hope this is enough/not too much information :)

Once again congratsssss

hi nonnie lovely ! thank you so much darling n thanks for joining in - you sent in the perfect amount and so i hope you like this !

⁠❤︎ . . . i was torn between a few drivers here, but i'd ship you with george russell !

now, if you fit your sign well, i believe you're quite the lively, bubbly and compassionate person, which i think works well with the type of person george is! you're both very loyal and aren't afraid to stand up for what you believe in - and george loves just how far you'll go for those who you love. it's one of the things he admires most about you!

despite the diet his trainer tries to get him to stick to, george will gladly eat any dish you serve for him. he knows it's how you show your love, so he'd rather take a scolding from his trainer than turn you down. he'll compliment every aspect of the dish, even asking if you guys can make it together some time (and he insists on doing the washing up as a way of saying 'thanks')

george also loves listening to you talk about your day at work, even if nothing really happened. it could be the most trivial stories, or you talking about something you saw on the way to or from work, but to george they're the greatest stories he's ever heard purely because they came from you.

he takes so many polaroids of the two of you. so. many. they're everywhere at this point; even though he tried to keep them all together in a neat little collection, there's still some stray ones littered around the house. he's more than happy to be the subject of your photography to help you practice more (and so many of your photos make it to his instagram photo dumps)

please play him any of your favourite songs or musicians - he loves it! even if they aren't to his taste, he likes to remember which songs and albums are your favourite so he can listen to them when he's away and missing you. it's not uncommon for him to be humming one of the songs from 'you signed up for this' because he's listened to the album with you more times than he can count.

[hellspawnmotel]

I love your art!! I really admire your work and I love your deltarune fanart, especially how you draw noelle :) whenever I look at your art I always feel like you have such a firm grasp on anatomy and all your drawings feel like they really exist in 3d space, and i love how the characters in your drawings are shaped :0 do you have any tips for a learning artist?

well gosh, after you buttering me up like that, how can i refuse? (jk but in all serious, thank you so much this is SO sweet) anyway, let's see, tips..... (this ended up turning into a whole tutorial lmao)

so one thing you'll hear a lot of artists say is to start with a warm up first, but not a lot about what "warming up" actually means. some people take that to mean they have to start with a whole other drawing, personally i find that takes away too much energy and i end up spending way more time on it than i want to. i like doodling little cubes and cylinders, but if i have something to color sometimes i just do that to warm up. whatever works for you best, just anything to get your hand used to the motion of drawing.

for starting the actual drawing it really is important to begin with a line of action. think of it as a basic guideline for how you want to pose a character. it will help the pose flow better, trust me. (im going to draw noelle bc obviously im pretty used to that)

some artists start with just the line, i like to do the guide for the head first and then the line, whatever

you dont absolutely have to follow the line for your pose btw its just good to have an idea of what youre doing before you do it

after that is when you start worrying about shapes, usually. an important thing to remember when drawing is that absolutely everything is made of shapes, first and foremost. humans, animals, objects, drawing anything starts with shapes. circles squares and triangles. this goes for drawing from life too! it's why you want to start with a light pencil or a sketch layer cuz this is the stuff youre gonna erase later, but it's essentially the skeleton of your drawing

btw, i give noelle a very basic "average thin teenage girl" figure but it's good to practice other body types too and learn what shapes work best for drawing those

you mightve heard the advice to "draw the person nude first and then draw the clothes on top of them" and that's only partially true- it's good to know what the shape of the body is before you dive in with the clothes but you dont have to do like, a whole nude model first. you just need enough to understand how the fabric is going to fall on the body

also, and this is sort of off-topic, but when it comes to clothes its good to understand how different fabric works and how it's going to react to a body underneath it. some fabric clings, some is very loose, some is thin and some is thick. basically what im saying is that you dont have to shrink-wrap the clothing to the body, especially when it comes to a character with breasts or anything else that sticks out. thats a mistake a lot of beginner artists make. in this case, noelle's robe is very loose but i still want it to conform to her body a little bit so the pose isn't totally lost

aaaaand there ya go! after all that is when im ready to actually draw the dang thing. you can tell if you look close that i didnt totally follow the guidelines i made for myself, and that's okay. for example i tend to almost always draw the head too small and then have to enlarge it afterwards. one of the perks of being a digital artist is i can make mistakes and not have to re-do the whole drawing to fix them.

one other thing as to how to get better at actually drawing the body right in the first place- FIGURE DRAWING! as cliche as it might sound it really helps. it's best to draw from life, but if you can't get into a class for it there are plenty of websites out there with good photography of nude models. i also reference a lot of my poses from those websites, or sometimes from videos of figure skating or ballet if i think the situation calls for it.

this is a good website for figure drawing practice- it lets you set a timer so you can practice getting a pose down quickly or spend a lot of time on one model, your choice

also, yknow, always make sure you're having fun and dont stress out too much about whether what youre drawing looks good. the more you draw, the better, and don't think you have to post everything to social media if you dont want to. draw for yourself first and foremost and observe from life and artists you admire what you WANT to draw and want to get better at, and what looks like fun. that's the most important part

[notedchampagne]

btw yall im going on a travel vacation tomorrow so digital arts probably be put off until somewhere near mid january but ill see if i can post some trad art and all that but otherwise i might post some pics which i guess ill tag with something so that you could block it if you wanted to

anyway so now that thats all mentioned i hope yallre having a good fun time and happy holidays

[creepypocky]

hellloooo may I request a matchup please? Both romantic and nsfw if that’s alright with you. Im bisexual, my pronouns are she/her, I’m an INTP virgo and I’m 5’8”. My style is constantly changing but I adore 70’s type fashion, I tend to wear a lot of jewelry like many rings, multiple necklaces, I adore collecting earrings and so on. I have five piercings and I absolutely want to get more!

My hobbies are definitely two totally different things: on one hand I love baking, I usually give the baked goods away because I actually don’t like sweets, and my other hobby is a little more on the weird side but I love finding people. I know that sounds a little spooky, but a lot of my family works in the government and my dream job is probably private investigator. I’m exceptionally good at finding people and things, and I love snooping around where I don’t belong. I’m super passionate about exploring abandoned buildings and while I’m average at photography I really enjoy taking pics of the places I explore.

My love language is definitely gifting people things and being able to just *exist* comfortably in the same space as others. I’m not very affectionate verbally or physically but I welcome people who are and I’m pretty used to it. I have a problem called I love arguing with people. It’s definitely a toxic trait but I love debating with others and I’m always expecting to come out on top. Of course playful banter is welcome too, a relationship wouldn’t really be healthy with constant arguing but I really appreciate people who can take teasing and dish it out just as well.

As for nsfw stuff: I definitely love being scared and just the kind of thrill that comes with being chased (I mean why else would I be here lol) I’m a switch leaning sub (tho if my partner was someone who’s submissive I could take control) and with my love for arguing definitely comes a more bratty side. I would love someone I can rile up and I love being bossed around. I don’t mind being roughed up a little bit, including manhandling and leaving marks.

Hello mortal~ :)

Hehe, I'll get to this <3 it took me a little bit to know who to match you with but I'm sure about this now. <3

|| I match you with: Jeff The Killer! ||

Hon, he thinks your jewelry is super cool and pretty and he will even buy you more jewelry without you even asking for it. Let this jackass spoil you. He loves to see your piercings and watch you get more, he thinks you just look so beautiful with them and will take you to get more if you ask him to. He won’t admit it but he mostly just adores the smile you have when getting them.

Pleaseeee, Jeff LOVES sweets. Bake all of the sweets you want for this man he will happily eat it all up, especially if it’s your baking. He just breathes in your essense as he practically drowns himself in the sweets you bake for him.

You like finding people? Babe, this guys job is literally to stalk and kill people. He is practically the KING of finding people aside from Hoodie and some of the other creeps. If you ever need help finding someone he’s got your back and will most definitely help you, otherwise he’ll just have fun watching you do it yourself.

Jeff is really a “fuck you” guy so he also snoops around where he doesn’t belong. Will do it even just to piss whoever told him not to off. But if you ever want to go investigate somewhere private and not allowed, he’ll definitely help you get in there and out without getting caught. Of all of the creeps, he’s basically the guy who can smuggle anyone in anywhere aside from in public because, well, his face isn’t exactly normal.

Jeff is also not the best at expressing his love or affection verbally, but he very much does love you. He’s just super aloof and/or awkward about love, but when you give him gifts he appreciates them a ton even if he doesn’t say it, he will cherish everything you give him. He also appreciates you being around him in general and is pretty good at taking signs, he understands you have feelings for him even if you don’t outright say it. He’s good at just pulling you against him though and holding you tight. He’s a lot better at physical affection than he is at verbal affection.

Broo, he loves arguing with people too and just debating. He can be the biggest asshole ever in an argument and will sometimes even just talk out of his ass and start making claims that make zero sense just for the sake of it, and will somehow win an argument with just that because of his way with words. Would probably have a harder time debating with you though.

He likes to tease you a lot and just be a dick in general, he wouldn’t ever go too far or hurt you seriously though. He loves you way too much to treat you like that. He will tell others that tease you to fuck off though because it’s like a, “Yeah no, only I’m allowed to fuck with her.”

NSFW:

Ooooo~

He will definitely chase you down, little lady. He has a bit of a fetish himself where he’ll just randomly make you his prey and will want to hunt you down, and when he catches you he can be ruthless.

He’s a bit of a dom but would sub for you if he was having a bad day or feeling depression/out of it. Otherwise, he’s definitely into topping you and putting you in your place. Likes that you’re a bit of a brat because he will most definitely force you into submission and will love it when you fight back, he’ll leave all kinds of marks on you and will hold you down and he rams his cock in you from behind.

He’ll manhandle you too, he’ll grab you by your neck and force you to stay still as he pounds into you. Will make you ride him, he’ll grip your hips and maybe even dig his nails in them as he forces you to bounce on his dick.

He will also call you names if he’s enough in the mood, if you’re being extra bratty will do all kinds of degrading names and will slap you around.~

He doesn’t know how he feels about aftercare, but once the deed is done he will light a cigarette and will lazily hold you against him. Maybe kiss your forehead and just whisper loving things to you if he’s tired enough and not paying attention to what he’s saying.

All in all, you’re precious to him. <3 Pls never leave or break his trust for you baby. <3

I hope you liked this, honey. :) Make sure to take good care of yourself and have an amazing day/night.

[radioactive-synth]

WIP SUNDAY:

tagged a long time ago by @aviatorfics thanks!

taggin: @theartofblossoming , @the-laridian , @portergage , @just-another-wasteland-merc , and whoever wants to do it!

little something as i started to replay FO1...im not intending to write a whole novel for my Vault Dweller, but my mind is kinda set on this little ancient game <3

She cannot lie, she was scared, but in the same time, fascinated. All her life she knew, it was cold metal, yet the artificial warmth was never missing. Recirculated air and recycled water, never missing. And food grown from the laboratory, and only on special occasions, the stash that was given by the long gone ancestors was opened, serving pork and beans, sugar bombs, canned meat and even boiled chicken eggs preserved in boxes.

But now? She seen crops that she never seen before, yet they taste the same as the one in the Vault. People who wear other clothes than the same boring, but comforting blue vault suit, with the number branded on the back. And people who reuse the junk left by ancestors in different ways, either building walls to protect their cities, or redone as weapons.

But nothing could had compare to the feeling of the rays from the Sun on her face, when she got out the cave.

more under the cut CAUSE I DIDNT EXPECTED TO WRITE THAT LONG

Noné Smith had received coordinates for the Hub, where there could be more chances to find what she needs. Or at least, to buy some fresh water for the Vault. She doesn’t have much... caps on her, but she is not afraid to get her hands dirty. All she hopes is that she doesn’t need to kill another human being...

She felt her legs giving out any time, but she pushed further. As she could see from afar, another city seems to arise. She stops a bit, looking through her backpack and retrieve her pip-boy. The machine shows a location, but she cannot make it much. She closes the screen and puts it back.

She felt pain struck her left leg. That damn oversized scorpion managed to pinch her with its claw, but she was determined to take them all out. Only when she got back to Shady Sands, she noticed the blood soaking her vault suit. She received help and shelter for a few days, until she healed enough to move again. But the doctor warned her to take breaks in her travels.

But where to take a break in this wasteland? she wondered. Only dead trees, junks that were once transportation machines, and... bones she hoped that were of animal origins. She took another few steps, and felt her leg give out. She groans in pain, and limped to the nearest pile of metal. Not much of a shelter, but her back can be protected. 

She put her backpack besides her, her gun loaded, and let her back rest against the cold metal. She had thought to use a stimpack, but she only has two left. Only in emergencies....

__________________

‘’Tis the way, to Hub. Told ya I will get you there!’ the raspy voice echoed through the valley.

‘Sure, sure, just alert any other scorpions and rats, while you are at it!’ another coarse voice warned them.

She just glances at them, but paid them no mind, as she pulls the robe from a brahmin, to make her move faster. They have been on the road for days. Or weeks. Libby no longer had kept count of the days, or the years, ever since her face changed, just like how it happened to the other three... colleagues? Friends? 

She cannot really decide how to call them. They were the only ones who didn’t shot her on sight, decades ago. One of the men is a veteran, who has his theories on who launched the bombs first, but is an excellent fighter, the other man was a teacher, who has good survival and communication skills, and the other person, another woman, who was a tailor, and still can create clothes from almost anything. And about her? Her knowledge of pharmaceutical products made her fit for fullfilling the role of the medic/chemist of the group. She always thinks she is not a medic, like her son... is... but she had helped and saved the lives of other people on many occasions.

She looks through her jacket, and pulls out one of her salvaged photography. The one that depicts her son, Vaughn Aleksandros Zander, and her nephew, Vincent Nathaniel Hudson. The boys she raised and loved them a lot. One of them was long gone even before the bombs, went down as a hero, in the war. The other one... she still thinks he is still alive, in the Vault, or at least her grandson Shaun had also survived and thrives now. She gently runs her thumb over the photography, before putting it back in her jacket.

Libby then looks over, but the road seems clear, except for some dead trees and burned carcasses of the cars. But then her attention is drawn to something else. Or someone...

‘Hey, think there’s someone at that truck.’ she calls for attention at her group.

The other three looked where she pointed out.

‘Huh, another corpse fresh from the Vault-Tec.’

‘Pretty sure it ain’t dead.’

‘Not for long. Now come on, the Hub is over there. Y’all better cover up yer mugs, or get again shot at.’

‘And you really will leave them out there?’ Libby asked, her tone a bit firm.

‘Libby, don’t fuckin’ do it again! We can’t help any stray out there!’

‘That “stray” is also a human, like us.’

‘Then it better use your face as practice shooting!’

‘Go fuck yourself. I catch you up later.’ Libby said, and went to the truck’s direction.

She figured it out that the... vaultie is not dead, but she noticed their stained suit. They seemed to rest, as they had their head on their knees.

‘Hey. Are you alright? Do you need help, darling?’ she said in her usual motherly tone.

___________________

She stirred from her sleep, feeling her back stiff. She heard the coarse, but very gentle voice. As she could sworn she heard her grandmother talking. But.. she was long gone.

‘Huh? What? Hey, I don’t want trouble!’ Noné said, looking up. But before her, there stands a person that seemed to be a burnt victim, yet she has a very unusual warm smile. She yelps a bit, and gets up, pointing her gun to the intruder. ‘What the fuck? Are you a zombie? Get out!’ her voice is trembling, as her finger on the trigger.

She heard the... person sighing, and sees that they raise their hands a bit.

‘Look, darling, I know I look repulsive, but I don’t mean any harm. I seen you there, and thought you need help.’

‘Wh-why? What? What are you? You look horrible! Why you don’t have your nose?’

The person shakes their head. 

‘Darling, I’m your first ghoul, right?’

The look on her face had gave the stranger the answer they expected.

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

ok so we have seen over and over again people's assumptions about how gg main characters's instagrams would look like but how do you think their secret tumblr blogs would be? 👀

hmm! i just went over tumblr in general, because i don’t think all of them would have ‘secret’ tumblrs per say? everyone’s thing under the cut, cause it got SO long. i did not mention chuck because i don’t rlly see chuck as having a tumblr in any universe tbh - i feel like he would think it takes away from his businessy vibe or something.

dan's main would be something with a ts eliot url, like, a snippet from one of his poems, or it would be a whitman url, a snippet from a poem again (i see him with a whitman url of some kind & maybe his blog title is an eliot reference.) dan would 100% have the whole dark academia thing going in some ways, i think his blog would be organised as a grid, and he would reblog pictures of libraries, museums, occasionally of art, and also, quotes. so many quotes. so much literature. if you've been on tumblr long enough you know exactly the kind of blog i'm talking about.

dan's tumblr sideblog, on the contrary, would have nothing to link it to him. it'd probably be the tumblr default theme, pastel colours or something... i feel like dan is the specific genre of trans kid who uses a different set of pronouns online for anonymity purposes and then goes "wait a minute i like these pronouns BETTER". his url would be something extremely mundane and random like coffeeaddict779 or something, and it would be all #vent and #dont reblog. nobody who's following his sideblog knows what his main is, and vice versa.

serena would i think have one of those "be kind, do no harm :)" kind of hipster tumblr blogs, except she's incredibly sincere. she wouldn't have a sideblog, i don't think? and i don't think she'd attach her name to it in any way, probably just pronouns in bio and maybe a 'call me S'. she and dan would be mutuals on dan's main! her blog will be very, uh. aesthetic pictures, reblogs of dolphin videos and music and WIP art videos and anything else that'll catch her eye. she'll tag blair in fashion vids, nate in sailing posts, dan in literary stuff, and vanessa in film related/photography related things. she's having fun! every now and then she'll post a vent post but it's extremely vague and it's either something everyone who knows her irl already knows about her ('i hate my mom so much') or something that says practically nothing ('i am so worried about my brother and wish i could do more to help him.')

jenny's fashion inspo blog!!!! what more do you want me to say. she'd make it big in the fashion community and get anons all the time and she'd probably also have an etsy where she sells things she's sewn and made. everyone sort of knows she's an up and coming designer and she'd find a good community online hopefully!!! her blog would be something simple, with a url like jennydesigns or something (i bet that's taken rn, i havent checked) and her theme would be one of those themes that allows for u to have big images. she would probably post vents in the same way serena does, tag them #personal or #rambles, and have that neat code that allows for the tag to be filtered out whenever anyone views her page on desktop, you know?

i think eric would not have anything specific that he posts. he would just reblog random things - memes, things he finds interesting, jenny's original posts, stuff serena tags him in, cat videos, lgbtq+ positivity, etc. he'd try and stay out of drama (i think he'd turn anon off eventually.) he’d also post a lot of music reblogs or links, i feel?

vanessa's main blog would be one where she posts her own photos and films. because she's professional about it, it'd probably just be @ vanessaabrams. she'd have a sideblog specifically for reblogging other people’s work because she wants to support other artists, and it would be vanessareblogs or something like that, and her bio would mention “main tumblr @ vanessaabrams”. she’d be much adored in the photo/film community and just in general, because she’s one of the few people who hypes up other creators all the time and leaves nice comments in tags and all that. every now and then serena reblogs vanessa’s photography onto her blog and it almost always blows up, but vanessa doesn’t mind. i don’t think vanessa would have a vent blog or even a personal tag, she gives me big ‘i wanna keep my business totally off the net’ kind of vibes.

nate’s blog would be a lot like serena’s except, uh, more openly wanderlusty i think. a LOT of ocean reblogs. every now and then he reblogs keroauc quotes from dan which the girls find extremely hilarious. he talks a lot about sailing and gets a lot of sailing anons. he’d reblog a lot of positivity (mostly because he knows his friends are following him and he wants to brighten up their dash.) dan and vanessa jokingly dm him weed aesthetic posts all the time, but every time they do he reblogs and tags it ‘sent to me’ or somehting like that, and they cant decide whether to be flattered or embarrased. i think nate would also attract a lot of anons who ask for advice and it is something he never expected people coming to him for, but he definitely listens and shares whatever he’s got to say all the same. he’s this blog who should be weirdly niche but everyone sort of knows him and likes him.

saving the best for the last, lol. i have SO many thoughts about blair’s tumblrs. 

i think she’d have a main tumblr that’s solely for classic film stuff (audrey! and more) and that’d be @ blairwaldorf, because, well, duh. i think she’d pay for a tumblr theme and get one of those really fancy and cute ones, like a floralcodes ms paint theme. i think she’d also have a sideblog that’s less serious, where she’d reblog things from tv shows, reblog things serena or nate have tagged her in, write her own meta for fandoms she’s in, just generally be a multifandom mess with a #personal tag but nothing too personal. it would still be classy, because she’s blair, but on this blog, she’s just a girl having fun.

and then she’d have a THIRD blog, a sideblog that doubles up as a vent blog. and this one isn’t linked to her other two in an obvious way, nobody knows it’s her, etc. on here she’d probably post a lot about her ed (but i think in a  ‘i am struggling and i want to bitch’ way, not in a thinspo way - that’s a whole conversation i have no spoons for, so let’s not go there), she’d post about her insecurities and worries but it would be extremely untraceable. she’d have a fancy theme on this one too, despite it being a vent blog. 

hm. now im thinking of the potential of like. dan and blair interacting super frequently on their vent blogs and neither of them knowing it’s the other person!

[wistfulkitten]

i dream you'd love me again (2) || jk

sadness, guilt, regret. all things jeongguk felt after reading her letter.

genre: angst and fluff? childhood friends, cheating, sisters boyfriend au

pairing: jeongguk x reader

word count: 2.3k

posted: 200518

warnings: longing, infidelity, profanity (kinda), mentions of sex, probably inconsistent punctuation 

a/n: theres probably gonna be minor grammar issues because grammarly is shit and im tired. n e way i tried making this longer, it took me like four hours believe it or not. funni how i can make time for writing but not for my hw. silly me. i tried explained why he did what he did and im sorry if it was crappy. thank u to yall who read the first one. if you guys have any requests or ideas feel free to send me something in my inbox or message me. tyty:))

------------------------------------------------------------

sadness. sadness is what jeongguk felt at the end of ___’s letter. sad that he hurt her enough to the point that she thought of herself as anything but perfect. sad that she doubted his feelings for her. sad that despite everything he put her through, she still loved him and still wished him the best. he always knew she had a big heart. it's one of the many reasons he was drawn to her in the beginning, but it was also one of her biggest weaknesses. her heart was too big for her own good and it scared him. ___ was always too quick to forgive and forget and most of the time it came back to bite her in the ass.

 he saw it time after time when her dad had left. he had had an affair and left his wife and two kids for a younger woman and yet she never got mad or ever blamed her father in contrary to yoona. while yoona never gave her father the time of day after the separation, ___ always made sure to set time aside for him even when he never put in enough effort to interacting with his daughters. he was a pretty crappy father, content with his new life. and though it made her sad that her family was no longer whole and her mother was practically always crying herself to sleep, it made her happy that her dad was happy. she was just about twelve then and still, she never gave into childish grudges. thirteen year old jeongguk found her slightly stupid for this trait but as they grew up, he found it quite endearing. 

guilt. after the sadness had settled in, a great wave of guilt washed over his being. while he was here, newly married with a whole life ahead of him, you were somewhere out there living the life you always wanted sad and lonely. too heartbroken to even enjoy it properly. he didn't deserve it, the comfort and security his new marriage gave him, he didn't deserve it. 

 jeongguk was merely seventeen when he fell in love with a sixteen year old ___ all the while he dated yoona, her older sister. he’d known them practically his whole life and it was such a small town that it was simply impossible for you not to know anyone and everyone. everyone went to the same schools and hardly anyone moved out of the godforsaken town. he and yoona started dating in the sixth grade. much too young to be dating but their families were long time friends and saw it appropriate for the two to start early. so that one day the two families would unite. jeongguk hadn’t minded at first. he was eleven at the time but yoona had always been a good friend. they played together all the time so nothing really changed except for the frequent hugs and occasional kiss on the cheek.

 as they grew older they graduated into more mature ways of affection but it never bothered him too much. though he was friends with yoona, he was always closer to ___. sure at first, he had trouble expressing but afterward never once did they ever feel reserved towards one another, only ever honest with every bit of their being.  while yoona was more reserved and occasionally bratty, ___ was outspoken and adventurous. always willing to try something new even if it wasn't exactly encouraged. she never shied away from speaking her mind and that was something jeongguk always aspired to be. she was everything he wasn’t.  she expressed herself in every possible way. hair color was constantly changing since the start of high school. she pulled off any type of style you could think of. you could pick her out of any crowd in an instant. she painted, wrote poems and songs, sang, played various instruments, even took up photography. she turned any type of art form into a way for people to understand her, every single part of her. she was good at so many things and jeongukk, jeongukk was good at one thing. basketball. yet she never made him feel bad about it, instead she went to every game. cheering him on. she was mesmerizing in every single way. 

 while they had their good moments, yoona had a knack of patronizing him for every fault and imperfection. when they started high school she had tried so hard to be looked at as the perfect couple. she made it a point to show that they ‘never fought’ and were always ‘happy’. he never spent too much time with his friends because ‘every boyfriend had to put his girlfriend first’. this is the exact reason jimin never liked her and why jin always referred to her as a pain in the ass. it was safe to say his friends weren't exactly fond of her either. she was so different from ___ which was good or bad, depending on who you were asking. 

yoona was pretty, though jeongguk would say ___ was prettier. soft features, soft personality, light colors were a constant, skirt never too short, hair never too long. she was a straight line kind of girl like the majority of girls in town. grades never faltering. she always believed in the whole study hard, get a good job, have kids plan everyone stuck to and it was always so suffocating. 

he wanted more out of life, he wanted to explore places, explore himself. he wanted to get to know himself in more ways than one because he had yet to know all of it. all of him. but by the time he was sixteen, jeongguk already had a career to work towards and a girl everyone was so sure would be his wife. it was like his life was a book and everyone but him was the author. he had no control and he started to dread the future. he was running and he knew what would be at the finish line, so he slowed down. while yoona was running full speed, he was jogging at most. he started faking a persona in front of his family and yoona because they simply didn’t get it and they never would. 

when he couldn’t exactly talk to his own girlfriend about his feelings and problems ___ was always there to listen. she was good at that. listening. she never judged, instead always reassuring him that when the time came he’ll know what to do. she had an easygoing way of living and he longed to live like that too. though her mother didn't agree and favored yoona more, she simply took it as it was and cherished what she had for the time being. her love for her mother and sister never faltered even if their love never measured up. ___ had a way of looking at the world that could get her far, far away from here and jeongguk envied that. she said all his feelings were valid and no one should be mad at him for simply feeling. once he had slowed down enough for the once blurry images to become clear, he’d realized that running with yoona was far too tiring and that walking with ___ was far more fulfilling.

 jeongguk was merely seventeen when he fell in love with a sixteen year old ___ and it was the most exhilarating feeling ever. it had started out as just a friend being there for a friend, but one day it turned into something more. they had been out on one for their many infamous nightly drives when they had stopped at a cliff, a pretty view of their small town in sight. pretty lights below and above. the stars were out that night just like them, watching the rest of the world sleep. she’d looked into his eyes, simultaneously looking into his soul. with anyone else, he would’ve felt naked and exposed but with her, he wanted her to see everything and to understand everything. he realized he only ever wanted one person to do that and he wanted to express it in the best way possible. he kissed her. really kissed her and she didn't shy away. he knew it was wrong, they both did, but it felt so good. so good that it felt right. right there, in the back of jeongguk’s first car, clothes disappeared one by one and they wrote love poems into the bareness of their skin. so passionate, so raw that it was impossible to stop afterward. they did it again and again behind closed doors, behind the curtain they drew in the depths of night. it was nothing they ever felt before. when they weren’t tangled within each other they explored as much as the city would let them. talking about anything and everything. no boundaries. 

___ planned on leaving once she graduated, didn’t know where to but the farther the better. she hated it here and so did he. it made jeongguk sick to even think about a life without her in it. he was selfish, he knows. he had them both and it was very clear which of them he loved more yet it saddened him that the one he favored more would ever leave him here. alone. that was until she asked him to come with. she asked him to run away with her. he swears if he wasn't deeply in love with her then, he was now. of course he said yes. running away and seeing the world with his favorite girl was a dream. a dream he truly wanted to become reality. 

they planned it out. jeongguk and yoona graduated and while ___ finished her final year in high school and yoona stared college, jeongguk took a gap year waiting for ___. waiting for their dream while working jobs here and there, financially preparing. he also took a business internship so that his family would get off his back for working instead of college. it was full proof, even the boys knew. though they thought it was risky, they supported them both. they had grown fond of ___.  they’d both work jobs to add onto their savings and the day after ___ graduated they’d leave and never come back. that was the plan, the dream. and yet they never made it.  

regret. he regretted it so much. the faithful day came but jeongguk didn’t. she waited and waited but he couldn’t do it. he watched from afar, luggage in hand. watch her wait. watched her cry when she realized. he cried with her. he was just so damn scared. a coward is what he was. he was scared of the unknown, something he craved so much and yet he was scared of it. and that's exactly how he felt for ___ at that moment. he craved her so much, loved her so much, and yet he was scared of her. scared that her spontaneous ways would one day be the end of them. he thought of yoona, at least with yoona he knew what he was getting. knew exactly where they’d end up. he wanted certainty and that's why he watched her leave. but to his surprise, she didn't leave, not yet. she stayed and waited, waited long enough for everyone else to find out. she was then branded as a little slut that wanted a taste of the forbidden fruit, the one he didn't choose. it was far from the truth but its what everyone believed. and so she left far far away and he didn't chase after her. god did he regret it. every day since that day he’s felt nothing but regret. he was back to putting the mask on trying to appease everyone. surprisingly no one reprimanded him and for that he felt anger, anger he’d only felt towards himself.

___ was the love of his life so it hurt. it hurt to see that she didn’t think of herself like he did. he wasn't aware she felt that way. like she was in yoona’s shadow. to him, it had never been like that because she’d been the one he sought to look at first in every room. it hurt to see she thought so low of herself but you could say he wasn't any better. he was newly married and yet he was miserable. it had only been a few months since he and yoona got married and people were already asking when they were having a baby. straight out of college and things were moving so fast. he was nauseated and lived life in such a lethargic manner. he needed her. 

she said she still loved him. maybe it wasn’t too late. maybe he could turn things around and fulfill the dream they never reached. so he picks up the phone and dialed the number he used to call every night. it was so familiar that he didn’t need to think twice about it.

it rang once, twice, and finally, on the third ring, she answered.

“gukk?”

he cried at the sound of her voice. he missed her so much. after a while, he could hear soft sniffling from the other line.

“can i come home?” he asked, voice so hoarse it hurt.

“you are home… aren’t you?” voice strained, sounding confused.

“no no, you’re my home ___. i need to come home. “

with that jeongguk couldn’t help but cry harder.

“shhh shhh gukk, it's ok. everything will be ok.” she cooed familiar words he hadn’t heard in a while. “ok, come home. come to me baby.”

he booked the first flight he could as soon as she said where she was and packed up as much as he could. he was gonna stop living this lie and start living for himself. something he should have done four years ago. and in a few hours, that’s exactly what he was gonna do. live the life he dreamed of with her, no holding back. he needed to stop being afraid. he was on his way, without a care in the world. jeongguk loved ___ and ___ loved him. that's all that mattered.

he’d send the divorce papers over tomorrow.