#also im back from the dead bitches
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OHH. MY GOD. BARK BARK BARK RAWFF BARK GRR WJSKKFKRLW i want him in a way that is so diabolical it’s hard to even form coherent words around. i see him and am filled with emotion the likes of which even i can only scarcely imagine, let alone comprehend. i must kiss him and leave cartoonish red kissy marks all over his face and walk away only when my lips are bloody and bruised. i must be woven into his veins. this darling delusion of mine may be of colossal vitality but i care not, for i need this middle aged man so fucking bad. someone give me the aux i need to play older by isabel larosa.
#fuck dude if he divorced me i would also go on to lead/partake in heinous criminal organizations#there’s no coming back from that so might as well get worse#‘if fukuzawa has no fans im dead’ WRONG im cheering him on from the afterlife too. hold a seance bitch i’ll write him fanfic via ouija boar#fukuzawa yukichi#bsd fukuzawa#fukuzawa bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#bsd
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(=)
pls don't repost !
#woahhh who just rose from the dead#ib is not treating me nicely#wdym i have to write a report im EXPECTED to write at the end of 2 years worth of learning in just 2 days#+i joined the equal frames project before i realized what a bitch ib is😭#and also chose the option of creating more than one frame🫡#the quality of them decreased as i worked on them but i think they are still ok--#this is the one im most proud of💚#anyways imma go back to my math report now#bts#hobi#jhope#bts jhope#equal sign#EqualFramesProject#jhs#hoseok
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I have not posted any of my analysis to reddit yet and I think I might just post it and ghost it. I've already spent too much time looking at other people's threads on there to feel any way good about interacting with folks.
I already went in an added the "I know you're going to bring this up let me save you the time" section which is exclusively touching on the frequent topics of:
"well what about the fingerprint nostrum and finger mimics? He is clearly just a crackpot"
And
"it's definitely some weird elaborate sacrifice to Metyr thing"
#if he's drinking hallucinogenic tea in his free time genuinely good for him. whatever man. i just do not think either of those items are-#at all relevant to the quest especially the nostrum because it is a placebo medicine and aint nothing fake about this shit#also i think theres a distinction between becoming fingers vs wanting to replace metyr? idk like as ive said i think he thinks he's-#better than the fingerweavers and rightfully so#like please come to a new conclusion other than “man this guy is on drugs”#also girl... metyr doesnt need sacrifices. like? where is that textually or in set design? metyr wants us to leave her the fuck alone#she's minding her own business EVERY TIME WE SPAWN INTO HER ZONE#like why are people so desperate for everything to have a dark undercurrent? not everything has to be some dark disney ass shit#“actually finding nemo is a hallucination & Marlin is insane & nemo is dead that movie is actually super fucked up & dory is a grim reaper”#like im sorry but this is how this extra shit all feels to me#like it is already fucked up and miserable?#is he 100% a good person? like thats genuinely person to person. theres personal gain from the quest#and hes definitely very good at getting what he wants#manipulate manifest mother#tail fingers on the vision board#devon yaps#and yap I did#like I don't want to be a bitch because yeah we should genuinely celebrate other peoples theories and hcs in these games#but i dont think “lol this guy is just on drugs” is one of those things#because i like spooky theories if theyre backed up.#but to say “its this weirdly horrible thing and youre all wrong” especially in his context is not great to me#Sorry. like may my own arrogance strike me down like the scholar i think i am 😤 farewell#because again its coming down to meeting this narrative without preconceived bias and most of the reddit stuff feels like-#“he is fucked up. won't say why. but i bet you know why i actually think this 🤫🤫🤫” like just you cant wrap your brain around guy mom#i do really want to reiterate this is about reddit shit. like i am so into people who love his character but interpret him more sinister💕😚#truly eating that shit up
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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#i miss my dumbass idiot cat so much i feel like im dyingggggg licherally that is my little baby guy i want my little baby boy back wtf#i cant deal with this shit i genuinely wish i was dead so bad#im having a worse day with it than usual and my usual was this bitch on suicide watch fr#I feel like its really starting to hit me that hes gone. and it kills me what do u mean hes never coming back thats my angel my baby i need#him#all i do is weep wish for death weep weep some more death wish again sometimes im granted complete numbness for up to several hours#i love totally dead inside time its the only time i can look at pictures of him without being 3 seconds away from throwing up#then its back to weeping on the floor. if i cant boop his little tiny nosey in the next 5 minutes im ending it all im not kidding#not to be dramatic but i feel like a part of my soul died with him lol#anyway. i hope i die#also everyone ignore me no one say anything i just needed to type this out#bb baby#txt.me
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attacking the random ass woman who was on a loud phone call in the cemetery who walked a full block, while trampling people's graves and told us we shouldn't be touching them
#[static]#first of all who are you and secondly mind your business#literally everyone in the neighborhood takes care of the toys and flowers that fall over i dont wanna hear it LMAO#i was like oh yeah all of us here take care of the things that fall over in the storms and she was supppper passive aggressive about it#killing her with my death beams#bitch these are my literal neighbors and i will be buried here and i pray to the gods that folks dont let my grave get covered in decay#devouring ppl like her who make it their priority to harass people who are SO FAR AWAY FROM YOU#also she was having the LOUDEST speakerphone convo?? about fuck all? hella rude to people actually there to respect the dead#im lowkey actually mad about it im trying not to be#running back to the cemetery to push her over and run back into the woods#visualizing her being swallowed up by the maple trees nearby#i realize i should work on being shitty right back to folks like that because what are they gonna do lmao
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looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,
#i always thot i was just kinda ugly and weird and lame and like. i wasnt. not that it would matter if i was but like. i wasnt i was just. me#in my memories im so mean to myself and then to like look back at who i was at that time is like. so hard like why was i so mean to myself#and why am i still so mean to myself. like who does it benefit to remember myself as awful and annoying and ugly and unlovable#like the only person in my life who thought i was all those things was me. like the only person that hated me that much was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fine :)#this was a nice wakeup call i suppose.#also all those old pics i looked so hot im crying actual tears im so mad i could have been getting so much pussy if i wasnt so depressed#idk im just like. trying to be nice to my inner child and my inner teenager is one thing but like. being nice to me early 20s is even harde#i always thought ppl hated me and its like no bitch..... You hated YOURSELF................... anyways im dehydrated#this blog turning 13 sent me into a real spiral ill tell u WHAT.#having spent all my formative years online to then become almost completely offline after getting a job. its drama to say grieving but like#idk it felt like looking at pics of a dead relative. like it looked like me and i could remember taking those pics. but like. thats not me.#GOD. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD#AND ITS ESPECIALLY CRAZY TO LOOK BACK NOW HAVING GAINED ADULT BODY WEIGHT AT PICS OF ME AS A KID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT. AND I WASNT.#AGAINNNNNNNNNNN NOT THAT IT WOULD MATTER IF I WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS#but i spent my whole life being treated as FAT without actually being fat. WHICH I AM NOW. and now im the happiest and fattest ive been.#like i actually wasnt a horrible ugly fat freak of nature. i just needed to get away from my mom#i really am rambling at this point. i know i need to Look Within and Figure Out Who I Want To Be and What Kind Of Person I Want To Become#but also i have work#and the answer is some kind of transgender. one of em. thats for sure. but like. im a waitress so like. rain check that convo....#anyways. i am not a bad person. and i wish i didnt spend so much of my life convincing myself i was. but u live and u learn i fucking GUESS
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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have discovered a new enemy while doing research for the honours essay. why are you pretending to understand psychology and BLATANTLY misinterpreting actual terms and concepts in order to tear down a movie aimed at teenage girls, my good bitch. i'm going to start biting
#you got the WRONG BITCH bc you just hit on two of my biggest interests (zombie movies and psychology) at once#FIRST of all. you dont have the credentials to be talking abt this and it shows bc why dont you know what psychotic means!!#simple shit!! you want to pretend you know psychology dont fuck up psychopathology psychopathy and psychosis! all different things!#you can BARELY conceive of narcissism. a one off joke about how a character recognizes his flaws and wishes he was respected more#is NOT proof to label someone as a fucking narcissist oh my god. id actually argue the complete opposite#you are accusing A Zombie of being abusive based on (checks notes) being scary looking eating brains and /protecting a girl/#bc uhhhhhhh smth smth dark triad smth smth twi/ight#last time i checked thats literally just fucking normal ass zombie shit + him being NICE!!#its not male gaze 'ocular aggression' bestie he cant blink. hes dead.#talking about how the zombie is unrepentantly creepy when he Literally worries about coming off as creepy In The Movie out loud#SECONDLY to circle back why are you so stressed about twilight. thats not even the subject of the chapter#(there are good critiques of those movies but this is not that)#your book came out in 2015 why were you still shitting your pants and crying that girls were having fun 3yrs ago at the EARLIEST#reaching so fucking hard to 'um ackshewally [thing that teenage girls like] bad' im shocked you didnt throw your fuckin back out#your arguments are nonsensical your positions reveal an alarming level of sexism and you should be ashamed#levi.txt#believe it or not im having fun rn. im funny complaining not angry complaining#w@rm b0dies isnt a Good movie but i will go to bat for it actually. let teenage girls have fun garbage#god knows adult men have enough of their own to choose from ESP in this genre#and its a movie that has a lot of interesting shit someone could analyze!! im focusing on it as a representation of changing feminism#but id love to see a reading of its portrayal of zombiehood as disability + its cure narrative#or critiquing how it writes its female characters bc admittedly theyre bad ngl#or on how survival is represented in comparison to films like zomb!e/and (which i also love) where you 'earn' survival with competence!#genuinely there is even smth to be said for the problematic nature of the brain eating element. id be intrigued by that paper#i dont think its much worse than the play the movie is based on? but its not nothing#it Is ultimately a little bit fucked up and i dont think the movie explores it enough#but noooooo we gotta talk about how the zombie is a narcissistic abuser bc of the brain eating. ok
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So I was going to comment I don’t know your favorite Yakuza character then I remembered it was Jo and I have to ask what specifically about him makes him number one?
if you're referring to my baddie baddies tier list, then that wasn't a tier list of my favorite yakuza characters it was a tier list specifically of how hot i found each antagonist to be unless you're coming from my DB blog where i said he was one of my faves but this/that amirite
regardless tho i will talk about why i love jo cause he genuinely is one of my fave charas in general and the reason for that uhhhhh he's neat :) and hot.
But In All Seriousness i unno, it's hard for me to explain why i like characters sometimes. i'll try under the cut tho cause It Gets Long
for jo, a big part of it is how he is as a father- or trying to be a father anyway. he didn't think twice about giving aoki up as a baby- he didn't even really care if he died or not. it was only thanks to masumi that aoki got that chance at life, and if it weren't for the fact he accidentally walked by masumi and aoki that one day jo probably would've gone the rest of his life without having a second thought about it
but thats the thing: they did cross paths that day, and jo's forced to confront the fact his actions did have consequences. he was forced to grow up out of that mentality he had as a kid- that if you don't look at the problem, it'll go away. evidently, they didn't: his actions had consequences, consequences that affected not only his or ikumi's life, but aoki was ultimately going to be the one to shoulder the burden the most because they couldn't be bothered to just give him to someone and tried to leave him in a locker of all places. it's what heightens jo's quote to ichi about taking responsibility as a yakuza all the more impactful in retrospect as well, and it's details like that that make revisiting the game all the more fun
but back to jo, he fully realizes what he did was fucked up, and that there's no conceivable way he can ever make amends or right his wrongs. joining the yakuza would be the next best thing for his goals, not like he saw much of an honest future for himself anyway. at the very least, he can try to support his son anyway he can no matter the cost- or at least, anyway he can for the most part.
jo's inability to kill masumi despite it being a direct order from aoki himself is also such a telling part of his character that makes me weep a little. he entered the yakuza with sole intentions of looking after aoki and taking care of him, nothing more or nothing less. ergo, it would be up to masumi to decide how much jo gets to be involved in his son's life
but that's the thing right: masumi would be the one primarily taking care of aoki. we know masumi tries to keep in touch with aoki via the beginning of the game where he laments his calls don't get returned, and masumi seemed to spend whatever time he could with aoki growing up based off of ichi's brief flashback.
being a yakuza boss be damned, jo got to see first hand how much masumi loved his son despite his circumstances that would've made a lesser parent quit or despise him- that despite his status as a yakuza boss, he would be there and be an active presence in aoki's life enough to annoy him and think of him as nothing more than a helicopter parent. i'm willing to bet that despite jo trying to brush off the sentiment that masumi was anything more than a patriarch to him, he probably did harbor genuine respect dare i say adoration for him. how could he not? even if masumi didn't know aoki wasn't really his son, he took care of him as though he were, complications and all.
if we wanna stretch it, then based off the RGGO iteration of sawashiro, he got his tattoo in direct honor of arakawa: if we're to believe that bits of RGGO sawashiro made it to Y7 sawashiro, then it's fair to say sawashiro's dedication and respect to masumi were immense (though we can make the argument that Y7 sawashiro might not have the same tattoo, or that his tattoo now could be dedicated to taking care of aoki instead- BUT this is speculation at this point, its just something i think of and i figured i'd add it).
which what makes One Of My Favorite Yakuza Scenes all the more meaningful: the day masumi is found dead, that's when we get to see jo really lose it and gives us one of the bloodier moments in the franchise. us getting to see jo actually puncture someone's eye in really heightens his anger with the circumstances at hand- i concede that jo was genuinely frustrated with how the yakuza were being toyed with, but i also dont doubt for a second he was sincere when he told ishioda he wanted to maim whoever took out masumi ishioda was probably thanking the stars tendo was the one to do him in amirite LMAOO. whether it's because of yakuza honor or having lost someone he cared about, jo's dedication is palpable and frightening when it's allowed to flourish
its weird to say tho someone said it a long time ago on one of my tags, but jo's sentimental for a yakuza, even if he wants to be a hard ass about it. he's made his life's purpose trying to right a wrong that can never be fixed (hell, his manner of fighting can be translated as "shame style" reaffirming that despite the years gone by and aoki's actions and disregard for him, he can't quell his guilt. never mind he was ready to take off ichi's finger based on the assumption he took aoki's money from him with his permission), and along the way i'm Hopeful in saying he found SOMEWHAT of a confidant in masumi to make his burden a bit lighter.
jo's by no means a good guy- not even by a long shot. he IS however an incredibly compelling character, and i'm glad that we get to see him somewhat again in LaD8 for however long they'll keep him around in that.
also his theme fucks 11/10 brutality's a fucking banger
#snap chats#god this is longer than i thought#i probably left out some notes but yeah. i love jo#i think he's great i love the arakawa family sm and jo's a real special part of it#i didnt think it would fit in the main text but one of my favorite throwaway lines from masumi#is talking about how jo can be softer on aoki compared to masumi#like UGH. I WONDER WHY //CRIES//#honestly i just wanna know how the family's arrangements were made yk what i mean#cause masumi would be with the tojo and sawashiro evidently would stick with aoki#i just wanna know when they decided that- i still believe jo went to america with him#that musta been ironically sweet of masumi huh. jo gets to spend all this time with his son#his bitch ass son who hates him and would rather see him dead LMAO //weeps//#but UGH AGAIN that just reinforces jo's dedication dont it.#it has me believe that if jo thinks about trying to correct his son he might be doing him another wrong#like Oh You Already Ruined His Lungs Now You're Going To Do This?#he might also have partial anxiety about being like his abusive father and not wanting to extend that to aoki#tho that part's more of a stretch if im honest#still it's safe to say jo doesn't push back against aoki because of his neverending guilt#uuuughhhh i could prob talk bout jo for hours he's just so good of a character to me i love love love him#i love it when characters try to do better even if it hurts them#I LOVE IT WHEN PARENTS LOVE THEIR KIDS AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEM. EVEN IF AOKI DON'T DESERVE IT ☠️#its the parental issues in me sorry#but yeah if you read all this. thanks :)#and if not. well. i had fun rambling about jo anyway :)
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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No. No, it couldn't have been a dream The escape, Rowan, the ship to Terrasen—
A dream. An illusion. Her escape from him, from Maeve, had been another illusion.
Had she said it? Had she said where the Keys were hidden?
Then a cool, cultured voice purred, "All that training, and this is what becomes of you?" Not real. Arobynn, standing on the other side of the altar, was not real.
"Even Sam held out better than this."
Fenrys snarled.
You could get out of these chains, if you really wanted," Arobynn said, frowning with distaste. "If you really tried."
No, she couldn't, and everything had been a dream, a lie.
"You let yourself remain captive. Because the moment you are free..." Arobynn chuckled. "Then you must offer yourself up, a lamb to slaughter."
Only hearing the King of the Assassins, unseen and unnoted beside her.
"Deep down, you're hoping you'll be here long enough that the young King of Adarlan will pay the price. Deep down, you know you're hiding here, waiting for him to clear the path." Arobynn leaned against the side of the altar, cleaning his nails with a dagger. "Deep down, you know it's not really fair, that those gods picked you. That Elena picked you instead of him. She bought you time to live, yes, but you were still chosen to pay the price. Her price And the gods'?"
Arobynn ran a long-fingered hand down the side of her face. "Do you see what I tried to spare you from all these years? What you might have avoided had you remained Celaena, remained with me?" He smiled. "Do you see, Aelin?"
She could not answer. Had no voice. Cairn hit bone, and—
Aelin lunged upward, hands grasping for her thigh. No chains weighed her. No mask smothered her. No dagger had been twisted into her body. Breathing hard, the scent of musty sheets clinging to her nose, the sounds of her screaming replaced by the drowsy chirping of birds, Aelin scrubbed at her face.
The prince who'd fallen asleep beside her was already running a hand down her back in silent, soothing strokes.
A dream. Just a dream.
She twisted, setting her feet to the threadbare carpet on the uneven wood floor.
"Dawn isn't for another hour," Rowan said.
Yet Aelin reached for her shirt. "I'll get warmed up, then." Maybe run, as she had not been able to do in weeks and weeks.
Rowan sat up, missing nothing. "Training can wait, Aelin." They'd been doing it for weeks now, as thorough and grueling as it had been at Mistward.
She shoved her legs into her pants, then buckled on her sword belt.
"No, it can't."
A gathering storm to the north had forced their ship to find harbor last night—and after weeks at sea, none of them had hesitated to spend a few hours on land. To learn what in hell had happened while they'd been gone.
The answer: war.
Everywhere, war raged. But where the fighting occurred, the aging innkeeper didn't know. Boats didn't stop at the port anymore— and the great warships just sailed past. Whether they were enemy or friendly, he also didn't know.
Aelin scowled. "What." It wasn't so much of a question as demand.
His gaze was unfaltering. As it had been when she'd returned from her run through the misty fields beyond the inn and found him leaning against the apple tree. "That's enough for today."
"We've hardly started." She lifted her blade.
Rowan kept his own lowered. "You barely slept last night."
Aelin tensed. "Bad dreams." An understatement. She lifted her chin and threw him a grin. "Perhaps I'm starting to wear you down a bit."
His canines gleamed. "You need to eat."
"I need to train."
She couldn't stop it-that need to do something. To be in motion.
No matter how many times she swung her blade, she could feel them. The shackles. And whenever she paused to rest, she could feel it, too—her magic. Waiting.
Indeed, it seemed to open an eye and yawn.
She clenched her jaw, and attacked again Rowan met each blow, and she knew her maneuvers were descending into sloppiness.
Knew he let her continue rather than seizing the many openings to end it.
She couldn't stop. War raged around them People were dying. And she had been locked in that damned box, had been taken apart again and again, unable to do anything.
Rowan struck, so fast she couldn't track it. But it was the foot he slid before her own that doomed her, sending her careening into the dirt.
"I win," he panted. "Let's eat."
Aelin glared up at him. "Another round."
Rowan just sheathed his sword. "After breakfast."
She growled. He growled right back.
"Don't be stupid," he said. "You'll lose all that muscle if you don't feed your body. So eat. And if you still want to train afterward, I'll train with you." He offered her a tattooed hand.
But Aelin said, "People are dying. In Terrasen. In-everywhere. People are dying, Rowan."
"Your eating breakfast isn't going to change that." Her lips curled in a snarl, but he cut her off. "I know people are dying. We are going to help them. But you need to have some strength left, or you won't be able to."
Truth. Her mate spoke truth. And yet she could see them, hear them. Those dying, frightened people. Whose screams so often sounded like her own.
Rowan wriggled his fingers in silent reminder. Shall we?
Aelin scowled and took his hand, letting him haul her to her feet. So pushy.
Rowan slid an arm around her shoulders. That's the most polite thing you've ever said about me.
Elide's eyes widened. Widened further as he opened his mouth, and took a bite. His swallow was audible. His cringe barely contained. Elide reined in her smile at the pure misery that entered the Lion's tawny stare. Aelin and Rowan had been finishing up a similar battle when she'd entered the taproom minutes ago, the queen wishing her luck before striding back into the courtyard.
Elide hadn't seen her sit still for longer than it took to eat a meal. Or during the hours when she'd instructed them in Wyrdmarks, after Rowan had requested she teach them.
It had gotten her out of the chains, the prince had explained. And if the ilken were resistant to their magic, then learning the ancient marks would come in handy with all they faced ahead. The battles both physical and magic.
Gavriel met her stare, and Elide again restrained her laugh.
She felt, rather than saw, Lorcan enter. The innkeeper instantly found somewhere else to be. The man hadn't been surprised to see five Fae enter his inn last night, so his vanishing whenever Lorcan appeared was certainly due to the glower the male had perfected.
Indeed, Lorcan took one look at Elide and Gavriel and left the dining room.
They'd barely spoken these weeks. Elide hadn't known what to even say. A member of this court. Her court. Forever.
He and Aelin certainly hadn't warmed toward each other. No, only Rowan and Gavriel really spoke to him. Fenrys, despite his promise to Aelin not to fight with Lorcan, ignored him most of the time. And Elide ... She'd made herself scarce often enough that Lorcan hadn't bothered to approach her.
Good. It was good. Even if she sometimes found herself opening her mouth to speak to him. Watching him as he listened to Aelin's lessons on the Wyrdmarks. Or while he trained with the queen, the rare moments when the two of them weren't at each other's throats.
Aelin had been returned to them. Was recovering as best she could.
Elide didn't taste her next bite of porridge. Gavriel, thankfully, said nothing. And Anneith didn't speak, either. Not a whisper of guidance. It was better that way. To listen to herself. Better that Lorcan kept his distance, too.
Whether the others knew what propelled her, they hadn't said a word. Aelin sheathed Goldryn and loosed a long breath. Deep down, her power grumbled. She flexed her fingers. Maeve's cold, pale face flashed before her eyes. Her magic went silent.
Fenrys sat in wolf form at the edge of the nearest field, staring out across the expanse.
Precisely where he'd been before dawn.
She let him hear her steps, his ears twitching. He shifted as she approached, and leaned against the half-rotted fence surrounding the field.
"Who'd you piss off to get the graveyard shift?" Aelin asked, wiping the sweat from her brow.
Fenrys snorted and ran a hand through his hair. "Would you believe I volunteered for it?" She arched a brow. He shrugged, watching the field again, the mists still clinging to its farthest reaches. "I don't sleep well these days." He cut her a sidelong glance. "I don't suppose I'm the only one."
She picked at the blister on her right hand, hissing. "We could start a secret society-for people who don't sleep well."
"As long as Lorcan isn't invited, I'm in."
Aelin huffed a laugh. "Let it go."
His face turned stony. "I said I would."
"You clearly haven't."
"I'll let it go when you stop running yourself ragged at dawn."
"I'm not running myself ragged. Rowan is overseeing it."
"Rowan is the only reason you're not limping everywhere."
Truth. Aelin curled her aching hands into fists and slid them into her pockets. Fenrys said nothing didn't ask why she didn't warm her fingers. Or the air around them. He just turned to her and blinked three times. Are you all right?
A gull's cry pierced the gray world, and Aelin blinked back twice. No. It was as much as she'd admit. She blinked again, thrice now. Are you all right?
Two blinks from him, too. No,
They were not alright.
They might never be. If the others knew, if they saw past the swagger and temper, they didn't let on.
None of them commented that Fenrys hadn't once used his magic to leap between places. Not that there was anywhere to go in the middle of the sea. But even when they sparred, he didn't wield it. Perhaps it had died with Connall. Perhaps it had been a gift they had both shared, and touching it was unbearable.
She didn't dare peer inward, to the churning sea inside her. Couldn't.
Aelin and Fenrys stood by the field as the sun arced higher, burning off the mists.
Aelin shook her head. Another dream, or hallucination. "If she's on our heels with this army, I'm just ... trying to understand it. Her, I mean."
"You plan to kill her." The gruel in her stomach turned over, but Aelin shrugged. Even as she tasted ash on her tongue.
"Would you prefer to do it?"
"I'm not sure I'd survive it," he said through his teeth. "And you have more of a reason to claim it than I do."
"I'd say we have an equal claim."
His dark eyes roved over her face. "Connall was a better male than—than how you saw him that time. Than what he was in the end."
She gripped his hand and squeezed. "I know."
The last of the mists vanished. Fenrys asked quietly, "Do you want me to tell you about it?" He didn't mean his brother.
She shook her head. "I know enough." She surveyed her cold, blistered hands. "I know enough," she repeated.
#Chapter 44#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Aelin Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#Fenrys#Rowaelin#Throne of Glass series#no spoilers please this is my first read to read along with me there will be book & chapter spoilers in post & tags with more in tags etc.#Fenrys and Aelin#the Mistward references are getting me man everytime they go full circle ow my soul but aw my heart but ahh my brain#YOU DID NOT JUST REFERENCE SAM CORTLAND IN COMPARISON OH MY GODS MY SOUL IM DEAD NOW HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US BB GIRL NO#the fact she can’t tell reality from nightmare because of Maeve is truly so cruel and utterly heartbreaking#the fact Cairn uses her name oh hell no it hurts on another level and the horror each time Rowan the ship a dream an illusion I didn’t brea#the fact she’s worried about if she gave up the keys then Terrasen better be kind to her now or else#Not real. the fact it’s almost a comfort to see him in horror because at least she knows it’s a nightmare with Arobynn#that’s why the little folk also worked because Maeve doesn’t know that part of the story to twist in the first place cause she isn’t an hei#the way Rowan is already there rubbing her back waiting for her on the run Fenrys is right he’s all that’s keeping her#but even in the nightmare Fenrys is there please don’t make the name Rowan calling out what’s going on in reality no fire please#new blisters for a new body oh my heart breaks every time it’s giving white pig inn vibes babe got the braid back she’s trying but he knows#his gaze was unfaltering-which one said had dreams?-I miss the easier Mistward days#truth-the way Fenrys and Aelin are both finally honest that their not okay-she is one of her people-their brain talks are back#yes elide learning where marks-the lions tawny stare- oh Elide & Lorcy#HER court-better at a distance-what had Maeve done to her magic?-graveyard shift-they know-the fact he shifts for her so they can talk#the lil Lorcan jokes lol this cadre of hers-it’s also Fenrys magic-she knows Maeve is off-the power difference-no not another attack-hurry#but Aelin could walk away from it-her vs Maeve-bitch going down in the flames of the true queen bb#Her former master gave her a half smile. Even Sam held out better than this.#So pushy. Rowan slid an arm around her shoulders. That's the most polite thing you've ever said about me#We could start a secret society-for people who don't sleep well. As long as Lorcan isn't invited I'm in.#Rowan is the only reason you're not limping everywhere.
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ah. hm. ykw important context for that last post would be that the oracle was heavily involved with the light infiltrating her world + sowing a million seeds of ruin which lead to her friends 🧐 who once had a bond of steel turning so intensely against each other + taking the world down w them if it meant the other would fall
#i dont want to say she's directly guilty or responsible but ykw. she was the unknowing mole!!! the foothold! the conduit!#anyways this is why she's not like DEATH‼️‼️ when yubel waltzes into the Haou dimension.. she's a bit blindsided by it being Yubel of all#people. and then haou comes back + jesse is also there and she's like oh this is some sick theater on the light's part 😐 well at least we#are all trapped here now and it will die with us 😑🤷🏻♀️#I can't put it into words but. despite doing fucked up shit‚ Haou and Yubel were victims of the light yk. so when it comes time to unravel#the threads‚ she can't allow them to go up to bat despite probably having enough juice to pull the ritual off#they finally get a chance at life without the light (she cannot accept it is an omnipresent force of nature 😔😔) whereas SHE!!! was the one#who invited it to poison them at the start. so if anyone is dying it's her. and also this poor teenager who is also her but look man 😔#them's the breaks!! 🤷🏻♀️😭😔😔#as for yubel... I truly need to sit w their whole narrative because im not sure why they wouldn't want lana dead lol!#the only point in Lana's favor is that So Much Time has passed that they care less about the distant transgressions of the Oracle+ more#about having Haou back forever. BUT... having a fragment of the oracle around is inherently threatening to this goal‚ no?#and also. besides being the only mf left behind in the first big shift + therefore prime real estate‚ I also reason that Yubel has it out#for Jesse to the degree they do because A) the romance B) this blueberry bitch is the walking talking prince who was 15 seconds from#blasting Haou to oblivion before in a useless move for power. he betrayed Haou then and he will betray Jaden now do better to eliminate the#risk altogether AND what better way to provoke Haou out of his slumber than by using Jesse! two birds with one stone#by this logic Yubel should be throwing Lana into an incinerator... because who was in the Prince's ear‚ pushing him towards his betrayal of#Haou?! the oracle!!!! so having her around is like. code red!#I'll have to figure this angle out but that will happen later 🌅❣️#sriracha.txt#oracule momence
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this week might have been awful and today might have been worst of all but god not only gave me a new firstkhao show announcement but also a new pavel show AND pit babe season 2. because i'm his favourite.
#god looks at me and goes damn we haven't broken her spirit yet and im like no bitch hit me again and thats why he loves me the most#so the lord giveth and the lord taketh away or whatever anyway i need that man pregnant asap#like im not even gonna hold you i dont care abt the plot like tht like ok half the cast is magically back from the dead#it's a omegaverse show about people who have magical powers and drive race cars and also a human trafficking ring#my belief has long been suspended#that said. if babe isn't pregnant n northsonic isn't canon by the end of this season they can keep it im so serious
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do i follow my ex on instagram lmao
#idek if she'd recognise me i got new names new pronouns and lot a lot less cringe lmao#ngl i was only snooping around because i was a little concerned she was dead#honestly if she blocks me fair from her perspective i was the shitty ex (i.e. i wouldnt entertain her attention seeking and lying and also#woiuldn't lie to her other ex by saying she was dead lol. also put the pieces together n realised she faked a sui attempt to manipulate me)#i guess i did block her while she was at disney but i was doneeeeee at that point#if she doesnt block me and starts a conversation tho ohhh boy idk if i'd actually respond im still angry even tho shes probably matured#i cant tell if shes moved out of her moms place i hope she did#personal#oh my god do u think she has tiktok#also i got reminded of her bc a mutual from back in the dayTM reblogged smth from me and i am sooo tempted to msg him and be like#hey did you also get like 5488595489 red flags from this bitch#i WONT. i wont. but god
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I do kinda hope we get a sequel, it’d be nice to be able to talk about Lorabetta again
#smol has a vent#this aint as bad as my other vents but it's still a bit melancholy to go in my normal 'speaks' or fandom tag#cause like i dont wanna make out like 'oh the attentions not on ME im LEAVING this fandom' cause im not. but like.#it's one of my only fandoms ive ever truly been In. i made friends from it. i developed OCs for it. discussed the lore and game with others.#i was INTO it and made one of my favourite OCs ever. and people actually wanted to know about her!!!#people asked me about her!!! we made our OCs interact!!! thats not happened before!!#i finally felt like i was in a community! but of course things have lulled these last few months#which is only natural of course. people have their own lives and stuff to deal with they get into other fandoms its natural its normal.#the server aint fully dead most of us are still kinda there. i hope it picks up again at some point#but yeah no i finally drew a Lorabetta comic for Easter and i was PRAYING this might get more attention than the last one (which was 0)#cause i was following up a previous comic! one that got attention! i shared it in the server and....#nothing. no one cared i suppose. ik she's not like the Best or Most Popular OC in the fandom. i dont think she even registers#on a fandom-wide scale. but she matters to me. and it mattered that other people were interested. and that interest just...isnt there anymor#didnt help i nearly had her ruined for me over something i really shouldnt have got so upset about but i had no way of like assuaging#my worries so i lowkey spiralled a little bit so it left a sour taste in my mouth. another reason drawing her comic meant a lot to me#telling myself 'i still love her'. i want others to love her too. is that a lot to ask? maybe. ah well. such is life.#i reckon a sequel would also be very fun but i mostly do just want a reason to go back to Lorabetta. maybe Mollinda too#im sorry i left you by the wayside girls. and sorry to Lanabelle and Edithana for never developing you. but ya meant a lot to me. still do.#'wow shes apologising to her OCs thats so fuckin sad' yeah maybe but im a sensitive bitch me. its how im built lol
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