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thatsneakymedic · 1 year ago

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October Writing Challenge Day 11 Blood

Pouring the extra blood in a new bag, he looks behind the anemic person who was in a dire need of it, the blood bag despite Kabuto accidentally tearing the corner of the plastic an hour ago. It was still new since blood bags that have been unlocked are still fresh after 24 hours so Kabuto got to work quickly to get it ready for transfusion.

"Sorry about the little spill, but it's nothing to worry about. Your treatment will go as planned. And if you're uncomfortable with this, I can go use another bag. It'll still be the same." Kabuto said with a calm voice as the woman on the seat waits for him to get the blood ready.

"It's fine. Blood is blood, and even if it is bad. It's not like I have much longer to live anyways. I just don't want to be in so much pain when my time comes." The woman sighed as she stares at the ceiling with a bored tone. Having severe chronic anemia really sucked when even with all of the fluids and eating the foods that she hated. She constantly needs a blood transfusion almost every month before and after her menstrual cycle. She's embarrassed that it almost feels like as if she's some glass of water or blood that would always "leaks out" thanks to her gender and constantly needs blood to manage the day. She hated how tired she is, she hated how a lot of her peers avoid touching her since she's always "cold" and frail all of the time, and most of all. She hated the annoyance and the pity that her family members would give her when she would at least try to maintain whatever's left of her relationship with them. Even though it almost feels like they're looking forward to her dying so that they can be out of their way.

Thank goodness that the one person who actually valued her worth was Lord Orochimaru himself. Who always offered his reassuring touch, how he didn't alienate her for her condition, and he valued her skills as a shinobi despite her constant need for blood. Specifically AB blood both positive and negative since her body itself seems to somehow reject all other blood types. As and Bs blood only give her half of the iron she needs temporarily while O type blood makes her even more "sick" despite that it's a universal blood that can be given to anyone in the world. An unusual case that Kabuto is also currently looking into.

Kabuto turns to her as he decides that out of respect, he'll put away that certain kind of blood pack that spilled out and he takes out a fresh one just for her, "Don't be ridiculous. You're not going to die, you're just taking your medication, no shame in that. And if you're worried about the blood supply, don't. There's plenty of AB blood for you to use."

"That's not the point. I'm just saying that I'm just tired of being sick and feeling alone all of the time. My other family members are all healthy and fine and they should've also have the same illness as I do, but it seems that I'm the unlucky one out of them. And they love to remind me about how much of a failure to their eyes and yet they have no idea how much me and grandmother have sacrificed for their sake." She said while her hands clench into fists.

"They call you a failure, but they don't have your family's genetic kekki genkai as powerful as yours and your late grandmother. Lord Orochimaru did say that you didn't need to bring them along to take care of them when we recruited you, but you.-" Kabuto's voice was cut off when she gave him a rather annoyed sneer which stopped him from saying what she already knows.

"I know what I said, and I can't go back on my grandmother's promise. They're all ungrateful and spoiled brats, all of them. Only sticking to that false sense of pride of a forgotten clan when we're suffering from fertility issues, our land stolen, financial issues, and genetic blood disorders... like mine. And yet they're all relying on me "the diseased one" to stay afloat."

Kabuto listened to her frustrated rant as he prepares the IV staff next to her and he gets the IV needle ready to be put inside of her arm. "If that is what you're going to stick to, I can't say anymore. I have already told you before that family isn't about being related to someone. Sometimes friends can be trusted and appreciate you more than blood relatives ever could. Just know that Lord Orochimaru does not see any less of you, he sought you out himself after all and you can trust that I'm still working on finding a possible treatment for your blood disorder. I just need more time to find it."

He now injects the needle into her arm and she doesn't flinch or wince at the sudden pain and he allows the blood to flow through the pipe and into her veins, "I'm just saying that, even though we can't replace your family and the bonds that you had with them before your illness changed their views of you, but just know that we won't ever be like them". Sick or not, you're still valuable and precious to Lord Orochimaru. So don't even think about dying, since even selfishly wishing for death only serves as a betrayal of Lord Orochimaru's hopes and his caring feelings for you."

She could only breathe slowly in response to that as the blood was now inside of her veins, and strangely enough, the pale color on her cheeks fades as she starts to look slightly more healthier the more blood goes inside of her. Her thin lips also become plush as they always had been. For her to already recover this fast despite that she would need at least another bag of blood after this one, further shows how unusual her condition is compared to other anemic individuals.

"... You're right. I'm sorry for not thinking of it that way. It was indeed foolish of me to take all of these procedures for granted when Lord Orochimaru has generously has offered his hand to me and to my family and is putting the effort to keep me alive. I guess my family's harsh words and treatment had made me forget that for a moment." She clenches and unclenches her hand as she can feel her body now getting warmer and warmer by the second.

She's slowly feeling alive and her cranky attitude from earlier was also diminishing to that of a submissive docile woman who's family's abuse has taken it's toll on her personality but yet only bound to duty and familial love and devotion towards them.

"If you ask me, you should... "limit" your contact with them in the meantime while also sending them the money for food and other important stuff that they need to keep themselves alive while also forcing them to seek out jobs if they want more money for frivolous expensive crap." That is if that's the kind of relationship you have that is already happening. They don't see you as human, but more like an ATM and someone who brings them free food from the government. You deserve to surround yourself with people who would appreciate and love you." Kabuto replied as he watches the monitor of her health to make sure that everything is going well.

"It's easier said that done when you know that I just... can't do that. But... I'm just so tired of their abuse at this point. Umm... Lord Kabuto. May I ask for a favor from you?" She thinks for a moment while she turns to Kabuto now, "Is it alright if I can spend the night here? I like to get some proper sleep before I return to them."

Kabuto looks at her with his glasses reflecting her pleading yet tired expression and he kindly smiles at her, "Of course you can. You can stay as long as you want here and eat the recommended foods that will be provided to you here, the only thing that me and Lord Orochimaru will not allow is for your family to demand Lord Orochimaru's audience or to stay here with you either. We won't tolerate any of their disrespect or unnecessary fighting, if you get what I mean."

She could only nod despite that she's holding in some tears of joy as more of her condition improves as the blood bag is now half empty.

"Thank you Lord Kabuto."

@lunyraartistry

#october writing challenge #angst #comfort #;_;#when this is one of those stories when you wonder if it's genuine or if it's pure manipulation #either way #here's some angst #tw: blood

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scripttorture · 3 years ago

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What would you expect from the public, including minors, when torturing someone in public is done, especially when it's a public spectacle and people actually come to watch. Is liking to watch torture a thing in this case? My story is a medieval/steampunk fantasy by the way.

Well Anon, this does still happen today. It happens in the country I grew up in and consider my home. So… my first suggestion is to throw out the implication that this is a weird historical thing the world doesn’t have to deal with any more. Because it is still very real. And if you get any kind of success with your story there’s a good chance some of your readers will have experience with this.

It’s also significantly more complicated then ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’ so let’s unpack this a bit.

I’ve never actually seen anyone maimed or executed. But as a kid of around 9-10 I knew kids my age who had. We used it as a sort of… pissing contest basically. Kids would brag about it to show how hard they were, in the same way we’d stuff chilis into our mouths and see who could last longest.

It’s one of those bizarre kinds of ritualised self-harm that you end up performing in order to cope with awful things.

Because witnessing this kind of stuff is harmful, to adults and children. It can leave people traumatised and displaying some of the symptoms I write about here.

But, however old the characters, if they grew up somewhere where this is the norm then I absolutely guarantee they understand showing opposition is dangerous. They know their responses to these displays of brutality and power are used as a proxy for their loyalty and worthiness by the state.

And boy if you are in any way outside the norm, if you are queer or the ‘wrong’ ethnic group or faith, then the pressure to conform here is so much more intense.

I lived in Saudi, my home town is Dhahran. My parents are from opposite ends of Europe and they tried to raise me Christian. I still spent a lot of my teenage years unpacking stuff I’d absorbed about public executions, amputations, whippings etc.

From the kids I knew growing up (anecdotal evidence no matter how empassioned) I’d say the ‘normal’ responses to witnessing this kind of state violence are varied. Kids would get nightmares, start showing signs of mild anxiety disorders or depression. They’d become moody, angry and generally unhappy. Which they’d sometimes take out on other people.

But I can’t remember anyone ever explicitly linking it to what they witnessed. They’d try to hide this stuff. Some of them would double down on justifications for state violence (seemed pretty common.) They would, above all, deny there was a problem.

Because admitting to mental illness made you ‘weak’ and admitting to doubts about state violence made you a ‘traitor’. Which is a pretty risky thing to label yourself (even by implication) when you live in a state that publicly mutilates and murders people. (Note the author’s bias as a committed pacifist may be showing.)

As you may have noticed Anon, I still carry a significant amount of anger on this particular subject. This bottled vitriole is not directed at you or your story idea but at the states and politicians who make sure this brutality continues. It’s about the fact that I can remember a nine year old girl matter of factly talking about beheading at a birthday party.

Stepping back from the personal side of things for a moment we know from studies of PTSD and trauma survivors generally that witnessing violence can lead to lasting psychological symptoms. Including PTSD.

PTSD specifically is more likely when an individual is directly effected (ie physically hurt). But repeated exposure to traumatic events, including witnessing violence, makes the manifestation of long term symptoms more likely.

So a character that has seen dozens of these attacks is more likely to develop a long term mental health problem then a character who has seen only one. Regardless of age.

We can’t predict which individual symptoms an individual witness will develop or indeed when a witness might develop them. We just don’t know enough about how these things happen yet.

Having said that, the possible symptoms for witnesses are pretty much identical to the possible symptoms for torture survivors (link above.) I’d advise against using chronic pain for witnesses unless you have a clear idea of an underlying cause; it seems (anecdotally) to be more common in people who directly experienced violence.

If you decide to use insomnia there’s a masterpost on sleep deprivation here.

For mental health problems like depression, anxiety etc remember there are physical symptoms as well as symptoms related to mood. Characters who are trying to deny they have a mental health problem might focus overly on physical symptoms. Depression can cause nausea, vomiting and tiredness/lack of energy which might be mistaken for disease. Anxiety can cause chest pain and shakes.

Circling back let’s talk about some of the phrasing in this question for a moment. Because ‘choose to watch’ misunderstands the way states use these public displays of violence.

Attendance and witnessing of public executions and torture is often enforced. Sometimes overtly and sometimes more tacitly. Because the point of these displays is to hammer home the power of the state. That doesn’t work if people can easily choose not to go.

Here’s an example of what that overt and tacit enforcement looked like back home.

Tacit enforcement came from the timing and placement of executions and amputations. They took place on weekends, when almost everyone was off work. They were carried out in major towns and cities, where the population density was higher. The venue was typically on a main thoroughfare close to important sites. Which ensured a high volume of people would be in the area when the execution took place, whether there was due to be an execution or not.

So picture the town or city this is taking place in, in your story. When are the public holidays? Where are the markets? Where are the most popular religious venues? At what time will the most people be in these areas?

All of that will tell you where an execution or public torture is likely to take place. Because if you set this shit up in eye sight of the place most people buy food, at the time when the most people are out, you get witnesses.

Whether they want to be witnesses or not.

Overt enforcement, on the low end of the scale, means having officials among the crowd pushing people towards the scaffold. At home this seemed to be targetted towards children and people who were judged as ‘other’. Different races to the majority, people who might have been read as a different religion, people who might have been read as queer etc.

This is because the message is ‘This could be you.’

I know practices in other countries have sometimes gone beyond this. Police or armed officials will sometimes go out and gather a crowd of witnesses by just… approaching people on the street and demanding they attend.

This approach requires quite a bit of man power and is not practical or necessary in every setting. In most cases setting things up in the right place and time is enough to ensure a large number of witnesses.

What I’m trying to illustrate here is that a lot of people will see this stuff without having made a conscious choice to do so.

And making a conscious choice to see it… well it does say something about the character but not in the way you’re thinking.

Because these displays are all about the power of the state. Witnessing them, responding to them is performance and it’s a performance of state loyalty. You can’t expect someone to give their true opinion on public displays of violence when criticism or voicing ‘dislike’ could lead to them being targets of violence.

Basically if you’ve got characters going to see this stuff regularly then it’s worth asking why they feel the need to display their loyalty in this way. Sometimes it’s because they really really believe in the state. But often… they’re compensating for something.

Wrapping up I think it’s important to note there’s often a difference between what people say about this stuff versus what they actually feel. And that’s because these things are explicitly political and explicitly about the power a state has over it’s subjects.

The way individuals respond to these things in public and what they say about them in public effects how they are treated. Sometimes it comes with obvious legal sanctions. Even if it doesn’t… these displays are entirely about reminding people the state can kill them.

And it doesn’t actually discourage crime or civil disobedience but it does create a climate of fear and hostility which permeates daily life.

Think about why the state is insecure about their power. Think about how your characters live with that background radiation and whether it feeds into cultural ideas around things like martyrdom or nobility of suffering.

Remember that there is a difference between public and private life. Existing in these kinds of brutal states often means having quite a sharp distinction between them. This can create very strong bonds to those the characters trust. It can also create a big difference between private and public personas.

If you’re writing a world where public torture and executions are happening there’s more going on then just individual character’s reactions. You are saying something about the world, the ruling class and the politics of the area.

Take the time make sure you know what you want to say.

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#writing advice #tw torture #tw mutilation #tw racism #tw police brutality #execution #torture as execution #effects of torture on the public #public torture #public execution #writing torture #writing witnesses #writing symptoms #effects of torture #effects of torture on witnesses

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midearthwritings · 4 years ago

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Hello guys, it's me, Max. I hesitated a lot before writing this, but I have decided to talk about my mental health. First so you can understand a bit better, and to raise awareness about it.

Of course, don't feel like you have to read this. I don't want to trigger anyone or make anyone feel bad.

TW : Childhood Trauma, CPTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Eating Disorders. If you feel like these subjects might trigger you, please do not keep reading.

Many times, I have mentioned that I often dissociate. For those who don't know, there is a spectrum of dissociation (it can go from simply zoning out to more severe cases where it will last months or years). What happens when I dissociate is that I will completely separate myself from my body. It will feel like I am watching myself living my life, like a movie or something. It will also result in memory loss. For example, last year (and it is after this terrible episode that I have been diagnosed) I dissociated for four months. I have no memory of what happened during these four months, nor what I did. I even lost friends and cannot remember how. I met new people and cannot remember how. And it might sound like nothing but trust me, it is terrifying to come back from four months of blacking out.

I haven't had a dissociative episode that lasted this long since then but I still do dissociate (most of the time it will be short episodes of Derealization). In itself, dissociating really sucks. Thanks Gods, it often happens when I'm in a safe place like my home. But it can be way more dangerous for sometimes I found myself in the middle of the road, completely panicking because I felt unreal, or in the middle of the woods crying because I couldn't remember how I got there.

So, what causes my dissociation? And why do I suffer from that? There isn't just one reason, of course. But I have been diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The difference between PTSD and CPTSD is that an individual can develop PTSD at any moment throughout their lives. CPTSD is often the result of childhood trauma.

Dissociation, when triggered, is a way to protect myself. Unconsciously of course. My mind will simply separate itself from the body so I won't suffer. People often feel nothing when dissociating.

(Reminder that there are many many forms of Eating Disorder and that an ED isn't defined by how someone looks)

I have also been dealing with an eating disorder for years now. And it's exhausting.

I used to eat quite a lot, but I was not gaining weight. Yet, food and numbers became an addiction and all I wanted to do was to be thinner and thinner.

I would go to school and eat nothing, pretending I had a big breakfast, or pretending I was going to eat somewhere with friends. But in reality, I would literally go buy stuff like makeup or clothes with my lunch money because it was a way for me to make sure I wouldn't eat anything. Of course, this is absolutely not responsible of me and I am aware of it.

When I entered uni, I just stopped eating at all. I would get a few snacks here and there, or eat soup. I looked terrible and lost lots of weight.

Today, I'm feeling a bit better and I don't have this constant need of checking the calories or exercising until I pass out. But I can't eat properly anymore. I eat only two meals a day or else I have stomach cramps and I can only eat small portions if I don't want to get nauseous.

The worst part of all this isn't even losing weight. It's losing friends. Because you're so engrossed in your thing, so obsessed with the numbers that it is all you can focus on. And you quickly forget about anything else around you, and you start neglecting your loved ones.

I am trying to get better, hoping for better days to come. I am looking for a job to start a new life somewhere else, because I know I cannot heal where I am right now. I am trying to stay in touch with my friends, and to get out a bit more. It is a constant battle against myself, because there is a part of me that simply gave up, and another part of me who knows there is hope and a brighter future.

So I often have mental breakdowns, and I still sometimes fall into unhealthy cycles. That's why I often need to take short breaks.

Mental illnesses are not fake, or for attention. They can literally destroy your life. They are diseases of the brain and need to be taken seriously. They make everything painful : even your body will hurt. And it is a rollercoaster. Recovery is a rollercoaster. I have relapsed so many times since I started recovery. But I won't give up, because I deserve happiness. I deserve to live and not just survive.

If you've read all of this, thank you so much because it was really long. I also hope you feel a bit more educated on the subject.

If you suffer from any mental illness, I know it feels lonely sometimes, but you are not alone. You are loved and you deserve to love yourself as well. One day it will get better.

#max talks #mental health #mental health awareness #cptsd #trauma #childhood trauma #dissociative disorder #dissociation #derealisation disorder #eating disorder #eating disorder recovery

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interstellix · 4 years ago

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november; epilepsy awareness month

since november is epilepsy awareness month, I’ve been considering dropping something like this for a while now, though hesitated since I wasn’t sure how many it would reach out to. however, not too long ago, I got the request of writing about it and explain what it is like to live with the condition (thank you anon :’)) and i figured that, really, there’s no harm in doing it. so, i decided to put this out there and hope that this reaches out to as many people as possible. admittedly, this ended up longer than planned but if you still decide to read it, thank you, big kudos to you :)

before actually going on, i may add that epilepsy, like most conditions, is something that varies from person to person so part of this is written based on my own experience with it - if a fellow epileptic wants me to add something, or feels like there’s something to correct, please do let me know.

i'm writing this purely to let people know about at least some of the pain with epilepsy, because it's not just having seizures. it's also worrying your family and friends, having to adjust your lifestyle to it (which i’ll come to a lil bit later), medicination, the side-effects of medicination, the fear of forgetting medication, the side-effects of forgetting taking medication even just a single day, possible anxiety or depression, embarrassment, hospital visits, tests, not being able to do certain things you want to do, people joking about it and making fun of you, scary and random body jerks, fear of waking up in an ambulance, fear of waking up with serious injuries or fear of not waking up at all - all of these are things that come with epilepsy and it's more of a pain than, to be honest, non-epileptics can imagine.

all that said, to those who have heard about epilepsy (or not at all) but don’t know what it actually means, is a neurological disorder; the activity in your brain becomes abnormal and uneven which mostly leads to seizures but also various sensations or loss of awareness. so it’s not constantly on-going and only actually happens when something triggers the brain to have that abnormal activity. it can happen to anyone, and when i say anyone, i mean anyone can have seizures, it’s just that it doesn’t automatically always mean that you have epilepsy (basically, epilepsy -> seizure; seizure -> not always epilepsy).

again, the condition is different from epileptic to epileptic, meaning that the triggers for seizures can vary a lot and depending on what kind of epilepsy it concerns. my own main triggers are flashing lights (also called photosensitive epilepsy) and lack of sleep but it can also be stress, skipping meals, overeating caffeine/alcohol/drugs/medicine, head trauma (aka head injury), brain damage (for example a tumor or stroke), etc.

symptoms for seizures can also vary. i’ve noticed that a lot of people think it’s always going unconscious and violently shaking/jerking, but it can also be staring blankly at nothing for a short amount of time, losing awareness, have rapid twitches in arms and/or legs, body stiffening, muscles going limp, and on and on.

honestly, one particular thing i feel like people need to know is that epileptics are just as human as others. aside from the condition itself, it socially and emotionally feels like shit when we’re treated differently. what i’ve, personally, often seen epilepsy being treated as contagious, a disease, mental disorder/illness or psychological disorder is in reality a neurological disorder. for the love of god, please take that into mind when you meet someone with epilepsy (especially if it’s your first time) because, while there’s nothing wrong with any of those, it’s really not fun when people treat you like it. we’re still human, and more human than those who think otherwise. on top of that, most epileptics are able to live just like anyone else, sometimes perhaps on the cost of adjusting your lifestyle to it, but by the end of the day many of us can live the same way as anyone else.

adding to that, if someone actually opens up to you about their epilepsy, tbh i hope you’re feeling grateful. for some, it’s not always an easy topic to talk about it so when they actually do let you on about it, you should know that it’s because they’re putting their trust in you.

something else i want to bring up is the do’s and don’t’s if you see someone have a seizure. it can be scary, understandable and this might sound ridiculous, but stay calm, for the sake of yourself, the person who’s having the seizure and people in your surroundings. this one got quite lengthy, so i’ll put it under the divider. thank you for making it this far, seriously, but it’d be great if you continued since this, no joke, can save a life.

time the seizure: most seizures end within a few minutes but if it’s still going on after five minutes, call an ambulance, whether you know if they have a history of seizures or not (what goes that, you can also check if the person is wearing some kind of epilepsy i.d)

surroundings (brief mention of blood): basically, bring the person away from harmful objects. to bring up my own personal examples, i have, during two different seizures, hit my head against a table (literally broke the entire thing) and against a shelf. while the first one miraciously didn’t give me more than a bump, the latter caused a jack and i ended up bleeding from my head. keep in mind though, that the objects don’t always have to be harmful for the head, but any part of the person’s body. obviously (i hope), bring them out from water if that’s where the seizure started.

turn the person to lay on their side: while they’re still unconscious, don’t let them lay on their back as this can block the airway. instead, put something soft under their head and loosen anything tight that might be around their neck.

don’t put anything in their mouth: for the love of god, just don’t. be it food or a cloth or something of that kind. a lot of people do especially the latter to prevent the person to bite their tongues off or swallow it (no, you don’t) but this just increases the risk of blocking their airway or making them choke on it. yet again my own personal example, this happened during my first seizure and i ended up having a cardiac arrest (how the hell i’m still alive, i still don’t know).

don’t restrain or hold their body: aside from turning them to lay on the side, don’t restrain their body, for example holding onto the parts that are jerking. this can also cause injuries or make it more aggressive.

stay with them: not only during but also after the seizure, stay with them. seizures are really, really exhausting both the brain activity and since the muscles in their body stiffen during the seizure. it can also cause one hell of a confusion/dizziness and stress so stay with them and calmly explain what happened as well as where you are. if you called for medical help, please, try to wait until they’ve arrived.

don’t give them cpr during the seizure: just don’t, it’ll only make it worse. you can, however, do it after the seizure in case the person doesn’t wake up and has stopped breathing.

also, if you’re an angel like @astronomlns and warn an epileptic for something that might include flashing/rapid lights, i love you and hope you’re having a good day :D

#epilepsy #epilepsy awareness month

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momoliee · 3 years ago

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Ch 43 and why I think xqc was both right and wrong for…what he said in those videos.

On why I think what he did can be justified :

Here we have to consider xqc’s background. Xqc’s parents were brutally murdered because of their line of work. As police officers, they were investigating a dangerous case and because of this case that they were investigating, they ended up being killed in a horrendous way. When they died, they left behind a 13 year old son and a 5 year old daughter, who neither had money nor relatives to take care of them. Their two kids had to suffer and go through a lot because their parents chose to not put into consideration the danger they were putting themselves in when they picked up the case. This, of course, traumatized xqc. He suddenly had to care for his sister, care for himself, make money to put food on the table, etc etc (I’ve already written a meta on this). It also gave him nightmares, seeing his beloved parents’ bodies crushed that way and all, and I dare say, Xqc might have suffered from a case of ptsd because of the incident.

So when he saw the video of Qin Ciyan being murdered, murdered because of his career and work, all his triggers were set off at once. Qin Ciyan, sacrificing everything for his line of work, Qin Ciyan leaving behind a daughter and a wife, Qin Ciyan being murdered in a very gore-y sort of way. It set off all his alarms, probably causing an immense shock that resulted in him taking a violent step backwards. He suddenly thought, the guy who killed Qin Ciyan was a mentally ill patient, and I deal with mentally ill patients all the time. What if I die like that too? Is this career worth it? Where would Xie Xue and my wife go if I’m gone? What will happen to them? Isn’t that exactly what happened to my parents? Aren’t I, too, putting myself in danger for my career even tho I have people who are dependent and reliant on me?

And so xqc treated that patient in the hospital the way he did. And he resigned the way he did. And he said all the words that he did. And he decided to cut off he yu the way he did. It was all…a trauma response. Trauma that he never properly healed and progressed and moved past, trauma that’s so bottled and stuffed in without any room to be let out, just suddenly coming out and biting him in the ass.

Now why I think everything he did and said was wrong, despite being justified :

First of all, mentally ill patients should never, ever, be demonized, treated as some sort of lowly animals that can’t be controlled, and especially not by a certified psychologist. As xqc himself once said, they are normal people who have been placed in abnormal environments and so had no choice but to develop a mindset that’s different from others. Of course, there are those who are BORN mentally ill, who are the way they are from the moment they came out of the womb.

Here is the thing tho : all mentally ill patients are victims. They are victims of their own disorders and illnesses, they suffer because of these illnesses more than anyone around them does. Because THEY are the ones experiencing the illness, THEY are the ones battling it and fighting it on a constant daily based. They are the ones who have to treat their own brains and minds as their biggest enemy.

Nevertheless, there ARE patients who are a danger on society. There are patients who will put others at the risk of harm. And those patients are dealt with in special means and ways. When being treated, everything is done to ensure the doctor’s and the patient’s safety. There are people standing ready with sedatives, there are special wards to accommodate them and avoid triggering them, and there are special ways of treating them, understanding their minds and brains, why they do what they do, what drives them to possibly harm others, and how that can be controlled, checked, and dealt with. There are ways to teach them how to deal with their illness, how to control their impulses, and how to coexist with others in society without harming themselves or those around them.

Qin Ciyan’s case was an exception that shouldn’t have been generalized. The son of the woman who died, might have been a mentally ill patient; however, he was an untreated patient who never stepped into the office of a psychologist that could have helped him. He lived his whole life like that, with his mother never telling him that his actions are wrong or trying to redirect him, in extreme poverty too, not even knowing that he was mentally ill or different from others. Most patients like him, don’t even realize that they’re suffering from a disease unless they’re told by a professional that they are. I bet his mother herself didn’t know that her son was mentally ill. The blame here lies on society for not educating the citizens more on mental health, and instead just treating it as a taboo topic and stamping it with harmful and demonizing stereotypes. So if the son’s actions and lash out was to be blamed on his illness, then we shouldn’t blame him. Rather, we should blame his circumstances, his poverty, the ignorance of society on the topic of mental health that allowed him to go on for so long without realizing he needed proper treatment. It is an exceptional case. Not a general one. Not every day the relative of a patient of yours who died comes barging in and stabbing you with knives.

But here’s the thing, it was later proven that, despite being mentally ill, he was completely sane during the time of the murder. Which showed that the murder wasn’t done because his illness caused him to lash out and lose control and be unable to distinguish between right and wrong. It was done because of his own vengeful intentions and wrath. If that’s the case, then why should all mental health patients be blamed for HIS decisions and actions? Why should they all be categorized into the same “can’t control themselves, might kill you at any time” box for a decision that one of them made when he was in a fully sane mindset? How is it their fault? Why didn’t xqc take the fact that he was sane at the time of the incident as any other resident when he chose to say the things he said?

Xqc, for anyone who DOESNT know about your background and what you’ve been through and why you reacted the way you did, of course they will call you a hypocrite! Because xqc, psychologists always get to choose their patients, and if they feel like they can’t handle a certain patient or their expertise isn’t enough to be able to treat said patient, they can easily transfer this patient to a more qualified and confident psychologist. Because xqc, when psychologists are dealing with a patient whom they deemed as dangerous and can suddenly lose control, they deal with such patients with utmost care and control, setting up so many precautions to ensure that no side is harmed during the treatment, at any given moment in time. Because at the end of the day, as a psychologist who must’ve treated countless patients before, you should know that every patient is unique, every patient has a story, every patient has a trigger. They all can’t be generalized into one category. Every case is different. Because as you yourself once said, isolating them from society and keeping them away from everyone else and treating them like some time bomb actually does more harm than good. Such treatment only triggers them further, hurts them further, and dehumanizes them in a discriminatory way. So of course such a video would paint you as a hypocrite, a doctor who lies to his patients, and someone whose previous patients can no longer trust or listen to.

If you wanted to be ‘safe’ for the sake of your family, you could’ve calmly stated that you are no longer qualified or able to deal with those patients with a sound mind anymore as the incident has affected you deeply, instead of going back on all your previous words and doing exactly what you yourself said people shouldn’t do when it comes to mentally ill patients. That’s probably what your colleagues thought when they heard you.

I rest my case by saying that I love xqc to bits, that although this analysis was highly criticizing, I still understand that he himself is a victim that shouldn’t be blamed for his trauma response. Also whatever reaction or treatment he yu will give him will be 10000000% justified. Also I love meatbun for managing to write smth so complicated and intricate and deep and full of layers that can’t be understood unless peeled carefully.

#case file compendium #meatbun #meatbun doesn’t eat meat #bing an ben #bab #cfc

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wienerbarnes · 5 years ago

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Whatever It Takes (1/6)

Pairing: Bucky x Doctor!Reader

Word Count: 1,491

Prompt: Doctor AU

Warnings: mentions to medical diseases?

A/N: this series is my submission for @sgtjbuccky and @jaamesbbarnes‘s writing challenge! ill be updating this story every friday at 8 pm est but anyone is free to send me an ask to be added to the taglist :) also! this story is based off of season 4 episode 6 of house m.d., in case anyones curious ;)))

SERIES MASTERLIST

Monday morning has you in your office of the Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York; the hospital that has claimed you has the Head of the Diagnostic Medicine Department for several years now. A beautiful and private hospital, orange rose bushes adorning the perimeter of every building, and a smaller workplace to house you, one of the most brilliant medical geniuses of your generation; specialty in infectious disease. Surrounding you are the two doctors that make up your team; Dr. Teddy Abraham and Dr. Nikki Jordan, specialties in immunology and neurology, respectively. Two incredibly smart doctors that you hired to help you solve case after case and keep people happy and healthy; they are probably the smartest decisions you’ve made in your career.

Sunlight beaming in through the window in your office on the sixth floor of the hospital, you throw a slightly dirty tennis ball against the piece of wall above the frame of the window and catch it as it bounces back to you. You tune in and out of whatever Abraham is explaining to you as you focus on catching the ball each time.

“20 year old female with visual and auditory processing deficiency. I did a consult-“ Dr. Abraham continues. Dr. Abraham joined your team about six years ago and is one of the few remaining doctors able to put up with you.

“What kind of race car does she drive?” You interrupt, catching the ball and glancing at him.

Although you have solved nearly every medical case brought to your attention, you’re seen as a bit… misanthropic. Definitely not a “helping-hand” kind of person.

“Dragster.” Abraham responds, smirk growing on his face and he sees your attention gravitating more and more to the case.

You ponder for a moment, “Okay, continue.” You prompt him, going back to throwing the tennis ball again.

“You’re gonna take a case based on the kind of car she drives?” Dr. Jordan asks, the other doctor with a patience thick enough to handle your antics. Although she puts up with you, the annoyance on her face is always visible.

“Nothing says ‘Thanks for saving my life’ like a car that accelerates faster than the space shuttle.” You defend.

“Well, there’s nothing to save because she’s not dying. Lab tests showed signs of dehydration, she probably got heatstroke.” Jordan inquires, hoping that you’ll become disinterested in the case and take on one that actually requires work.

“Kinda hard to get heatstroke in four and a half seconds,” You argue sarcastically.

“Not when you’re wearing a three-layer fireproof suit.” She quips back.

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of your office door opening. Everyone in the room freezes and eyes widen as Sergeant James Barnes, World War II veteran and current Avenger, steps inside; long-sleeve, black shirt with the Avengers’ “A” printed on the left breast and black tactical pants donning his body, large handgun decorating his hip. Deadpan expression on his face and hair pulled loosely in a low bun, the guy does some good cosplay, you think. Of course that’s not the real Bucky Barnes! You’re a measly doctor in a random private hospital, why would Bucky Barnes be here?

��A little early for a Halloween costume, huh, buddy?” You tease. There’s no possible way anyone from the Avengers would come close to this place. Sure, it’s a nice hospital, but what does a super human who has access to some of the best medical professions in the world have any business roaming around this hospital? Probably some prank from one of the cleaning ladies or a patient who holds a grudge.

“Are you the Head of the Diagnostic Medicine Department?” He questions, serious look and furrowed eyebrows never easing from his face.

Your fellow colleagues look at you to see what your response will be, as well as to see if they can somehow figure out why the Avengers are looking for you.

“Uh, no, actually, she called in sick again. I can leave her a message, though, if you’d like.” You excuse as Sergeant Barnes walks up to your desk, reaching into his back pocket.

He pulls out a photo. A photo of you. Specifically, the photo you didn’t want to take for the hospital website. I didn’t want to take that picture for this exact reason; it would cause me problems with the government.

“May we talk in private, Doctor?” The soldier politely asks.

Everyone stares and awaits to see what you’ll do or say. You glance at your employees before slowly standing.

“So… either it’s heatstroke and we can all leave early, or it’s one of the diagnoses that you two will have for me in…” You glance at the Avenger and back to your team, “Five minutes.” You decide.

You walk towards the door and Bucky follows you out into the hallway.

As the door shuts behind him, you look him up and down.

“So, you’re an Avenger?” You ask, mocking tone evident in your voice. You gotta hand it to him, this guy’s a great look alike.

“One of our agents recently came back sick from a mission, many of the doctors at the Avengers Tower believe that he was a victim of an assassination attempt.” He ignores your question and gets straight to the reason he’s here.

Bucky Barnes has heard a lot about you. You’re considered a medical genius and are known around the world for your intelligence. But he never imagined someone so smart could be so immature. He thought he’d have the pleasure of encountering some world-class expert in all things medicine, someone with profession qualities, someone so opposite of you.

He looks you up and down as you exaggeratedly rub your chin as if you’re thinking extra hard. He rolls his eyes and takes a moment to take you in. You’re quite attractive; pretty face, dark eyes and plump, pink lips, brown slacks with a white t-shirt tucked into them, and beige heels strapped around your feet. Your personality seems to be the opposite of the professional way you dress yourself.

“This isn’t a joke. If you’re interested, we need to leave now.” Bucky informs you, patience wearing thin as you continue to stall time not believing he’s serious.

You let out a sigh before warning, “If I don’t encounter any aliens or robots, you’ll be seeing a nasty Yelp review.” You stand and swing the door to your office open again.

“Okay, what do you got?” You ask your two doctors as you walk back behind your desk to retrieve the matching brown blazer hung around the back of your desk chair.

“Hereditary Brain Disorder, Paraneoplastic Syndrome,” Abraham begins listing. Bucky remains standing at the door.

“None of which go away with IV fluids; it’s heatstroke.” Jordan argues as you tug on your blazer.

“Or Cushing’s, or Calcium Deficiency.” You offer as Jordan rolls her eyes realizing she’s going to get stuck with a simple heatstroke case.

“Who’s your friend?” Abraham questions, clearly no longer interested in convincing you of the case, his childhood hero is standing in front of him.

“We use the term ‘lover’,” You tease and Bucky rolls his eyes, “Get a fresh history, a neurological exam, and an MRI of her head. If I estimate 15 minutes for the lap dance, 30 minutes to scrub the regret from my body and soul; see you guys in 45 minutes.” You call out as you exit the room, Bucky following behind you.

Bucky walks in the opposite of direction of the elevators and you speed walk in order to keep up with his long strides. As you two approach the staircase leading up to the roof, you open the door slowly and cautiously, looking for cameras or any other tech equipment and Bucky pushes the door open all the way.

“C’mon! We need to hurry, Doctor.” Bucky huffs as he passes you and climbs up the stairs.

“Yeah, we need to hurry. Look, I’d believe a cop or even FBI but, Avenger? C’mon, do you really think anyone is gonna believe that?” You ask as you approach the door leading to the roof of the building.

Bucky pushes open the door to reveal a massive, black jet hovering over the roof of the hospital. It’s sleek and shiny and there are two tall, beefy men in black tactical gear standing on either side of the entrance to the plane and you’re starting to think that this just might be real. Your hair is flying around and the loud whirring of the jet is already beginning to create a buzz in your ears.

“It’s easier when you have the props.” Bucky replies with a smirk over his shoulder, leading you to the aircraft.

A hand is outstretched to help you board and you look down to see a black and gold metal hand awaiting for your hand to use it as support.

Yep, this is real.

TAGS: @thefvcker-tucker @gagmebucky @angel-fire @hannie-writes-marvel

#d&s’milestonecelebration #writing challenge #whatever it takes #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x doctor!reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #marvel #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes series

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jazy3 · 4 years ago

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MerHayes Interview Thoughts Part 1

Some thoughts I have on the comments that Krista Vernoff has been making in interviews lately about Meredith, Hayes, and DeLuca. First off, I try to not to read that stuff as it is often misleading, but I had a feeling people were going to ask me about it so I did. I'm glad to see Krista talking about how Meredith and Hayes are equals, how great their chemistry is, and that they are going to be exploring that next season. Makes my heart happy. Based on Krista's comments it's likely that Hayes will be upped to a main character next season which also makes me happy because he's great! I also love that Krista pretty much admitted that while she's still carrying a torch for Meredith and DeLuca because she's the one that put those two characters together they don't work on screen and everything they tried to make work didn't.

If you actually read the articles all of the comments about it being a love triangle or Meredith and DeLuca being a couple come from the interviewers or Krista responding to a direct question where those things are implied or outright stated. This is bad journalism in that it puts the person responding in a difficult position in that in order to be factually accurate they have to disagree with the interviewer or tell them they’re wrong and are forced to adapt their answer to what the interviewer clearly believes. I also noticed that in a couple of the interviews I read that the interviewers kept pushing Krista for a straight answer as to who Meredith ends up with and kept pushing her on points she’d already addressed.

Again, this is bad journalism as they’re asking for answers they know the other person can’t possibly give which puts them in an awkward position. Because let’s face it, if she gave a straight answer there would be no reason to watch next season because we’d already know what happens. Also, no one on the planet can give a straight answer about anything right now because the whole world is on lockdown due to the quarantine. At this point, they have no idea when they’ll be able to film again. No one does. All this to say that I think asking anyone for a straight answer about anything right now is kind of ridiculous and that includes questions about a season that hasn’t even been written yet.

That being said it looks like Krista did her best to answer the bizarrely worded questions she was asked so let’s take a closer look at what she actually said and not what the headlines or the interviewers implied or stated based on their own opinions and the need to generate shock value. If you look at what she actually said it gives me hope. For instance, in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter she talks about how there are many pieces to making television. There's the conversation in the writers’ room, the script you write, and then there’s what the actors do with what they’ve been given to play. She talks about how the storylines that were written for Meredith, Hayes, and DeLuca evolved in a way that they didn’t expect, but that’s a good thing because they wound up way better than what they had originally envisioned because of the way the actors chose to play those roles.

She talks about how when they first envisioned the mental health storyline for DeLuca one of its early incarnations was that it would serve as a vehicle to improve his character and bring him and Meredith back together. That because, “DeLuca has been so heroic and so dynamic in his mental health storyline that, in a strange way, I expected that storyline would illuminate him as a love interest for Meredith and it ironically feels like it's done the opposite.” There are a few things I want to point out here. Notice how she says she thought the storyline would illuminate him as a love interest for Meredith? That implies that she no longer saw him as a love interest for her despite the fact that those characters were still together on the show when they decided on that storyline.

What Krista is saying here is that when they originally wrote the mental health storyline for DeLuca they expected the character to rise to the challenge and address his issues. They expected him to become this dynamic hero and that through this storyline he and Meredith would come together as this great medical team and find their way back to each other, but because of the way the actor chose to play the character that's not what happened and you can really see that on screen. We didn't see DeLuca rise this past season. We saw him fall spectacularly.

This storyline was supposed to bring Meredith and DeLuca closer together, but instead it pushed them farther apart. It was supposed to help resolve their issues, instead it only served to exacerbate them and emphasize why they don't work. It was meant to illuminate him as a suitable love interest, but instead it turned him into this cowering figure and in his place Hayes rose as the dynamic romantic lead that Meredith deserves. Krista goes onto say that it’s been amazing to watch the actor resonate with the storyline and that there’s a part of her that feels like if DeLuca got the right kind of treatment and worked on himself he could potentially become a human being with the kind of life experience that would help him rise to Meredith's level.

Personally, I don’t think that’s possible so my hope for Season 17 is that they’ll find a way to wrap up DeLuca’s storyline with regards to Meredith so that both characters can move on. Krista then talks about how in contrast the character of Hayes rose this season as a great new love interest for Meredith and how Hayes is a man that’s entered Meredith’s life unexpectedly, co-signed by Cristina, and how the audience has seen the pain he's survived and how, in so many ways, his life experience really mirrors Meredith's. Krista calls all of this a love triangle in response to the interviewer phrasing it that way, but what she goes on to describe isn’t really a triangle at all. What she’s basically saying here is that while she still ships Meredith and DeLuca together, she recognizes that they’re not working on screen. They had two seasons to make it work and they couldn't.

I’m really glad that they actors chose to go that way with their performances because to be honest the original incarnation of DeLuca’s storyline sounds dumb. Krista’s comments imply that the mental health storyline was supposed to make DeLuca into some kind of romantic hero and would somehow bring him and Meredith back together. This makes me sad because it implies that Krista Vernoff and the writers of Grey’s Anatomy don’t actually know anyone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. I have family members that do and there is nothing romantic or heroic about it. It’s a disease. It sucks.

One of the worst parts as it’s been described to me is that so many of the medications you have to take for it make you flat to the point that you go from feeling everything, the highs and lows, to feeling nothing. You’re flat all the time. That’s not to say that people with Bipolar Disorder can’t live full and happy lives they can. But it’s challenging and the medications you have to take can create as many problems as they solve. I know everyone’s experience is different, but the notion that having a mental illness makes you some kind of hero or could possibly turn you into a romantic lead is just insulting to me. I’m really glad they didn’t go that route and that Giacomo Giannotti didn’t play the character that way. While I don’t like DeLuca as a character, I can’t deny that the actor did an amazing job with those scenes. He really sold just how sick DeLuca was and how badly he needs help.

It seems clear from the interview comments Krista has made and what we saw on screen this season that the storylines for Meredith, Hayes, and DeLuca went through several different incarnations and ended up in a different place than originally envisioned. Based on the information we have this appears to have occurred for two main reasons. The first was that the actors’ responded to and played their roles differently then expected and seeing how great that was the showrunners and writers leaned into that chemistry and those performances and ran with it. The second was the sudden and unexpected departure of Justin Chambers halfway through the season.

Chambers was originally expected to be there all season. It seems pretty clear based on what we did see that Alex was supposed to come back to Grey Sloan with the rest of the doctors and head up Peds again. And you can kinda see part of that in the storyline that did go to air. It appears that Alex was supposed to return to Grey Sloan and that he and Hayes were supposed to co-chief Peds together. This was well done from a writing standpoint in that it gave the writers lots of room to play, but also gave them an easy out if the actor they hired to play Hayes, Richard Flood, didn't work out. This was necessary for them to do because literally every single actor they’ve hired to play a love interest for Meredith since Derek died, and Patrick Dempsey left the show, has ultimately fallen through for one reason or another.

This has been touched on in various interviews given by the cast and crew over the last few years. Ever since Patrick left, they’ve been trying to find a new suitable love interest for Meredith that worked well on screen and that fans liked. Following Derek’s death, the cast and crew felt strongly that Meredith should be single for a while as losing your spouse and the father of your children is a devastating loss and should be dealt with tactfully. Ellen Pompeo has gone on record saying that she felt very strongly about this. Instead the Studio forced their hand and made them hire a new love interest.

Why? According to Ellen, the Studio thought the show wouldn’t survive without Patrick and so while she was on vacation in Sicily, trying to relax after the show wrapped for the season, they sent her pictures of men and called her up saying, “What do you think of this guy?" Over and over again. Classy right? Ellen was livid and rightly so. She couldn’t understand why the Studio was in such a rush to replace Patrick and immediately give Meredith a new love interest. The Studio believed that she couldn’t carry her own show so they forced them to bring in a new love interest for Meredith the next season.

Which is a big part of the reason why there’s an episode that encompasses an entire year. Because otherwise Meredith would have started dating right away before Derek was even cold in his grave because the Studio forced their hand. So, faced with a situation that no one was happy with they hired Scott Elrod to play William Thorpe and create a transition point for Meredith. They then hired Martin Henderson to play Nathan Riggs, who they knew and liked because he had worked on another Shonda Rhimes show Off the Map back in 2010. They did their best to make it work, but it was clearly way too soon for Meredith to be dating again and as much as I loved Meredith and Riggs together you can see the reluctance and the anger that Ellen felt in her performance.

As anyone else could have predicted fans were not happy about this either as it was way too soon. And eventually, the Studio got it and gave them the go ahead to end that storyline. And that’s why the write off is so sudden. As soon as they were given the go ahead they immediately wrote Riggs off to go be with Megan and Farouk in California. And Martin Henderson was fine with that because he told them from the beginning he didn’t want to be on the show long term which they were fine with because bringing him in was a temporary measure to pacify the Studio until they finally got it.

Following Patrick’s departure the ratings for the show actually went up and the show continued to thrive which eventually resulted in the Studio backing off with their ludicrous demands and allowed the showrunners and writers to regain creative control over Meredith’s love life. Following Henderson’s departure it was reported by TV Line that the show had cast a new love interest for Meredith to replace Riggs and that this new character would be a hot foreign doctor whose parent was also a famous surgeon. I remember reading about that at the time and being really excited for it. I loved Meredith and Riggs together and I was really sad and shocked to see him go. But then Season 14 came and went and this new love interest never materialized.

They did come close once when they cast Scott Speedman to play Nick Marsh and did a whole episode about Meredith opening herself up to love again and connecting with him. From what I’ve read the cast, crew, and Studio wanted him to be Meredith’s new love interest, but Speedman had just finished a several year run as Baz on the show Animal Kingdom and wanted to try something else before committing to another tv show.

It eventually came out during the summer break between seasons 15 and 16 that they had hired someone to play a new love interest for Season 14, but then the news got leaked to the press and spoiled the surprise. After that they were forced to scrap that storyline and what they had originally planned turned into the Marie Cerone storyline about Ellis Grey and the Grey Method. I loved that storyline, but I was heartbroken when I found out that the information getting leaked to the press was the reason we had to wait so long for Meredith to get a new love interest and why we wound up with the disaster that was Meredith and DeLuca.

Having regained creative control over the storylines regarding Meredith’s love life they were finally able to do the storyline that they had originally planned in Season 15 with Meredith hiring a matchmaker and going on a bunch of blind dates. I expected based on what they set up with CeCe the matchmaker that Meredith’s new love interest would come from one of these blind dates. But then they started having both Link and DeLuca pursue Meredith. They spent a lot of time showing us what a great guy Link was and how he took the time to get to know Meredith and do nice things for her. In contrast they showed DeLuca to be a bumbling mess, who her friends couldn’t stand, who didn’t know Meredith at all, and was only interest in dating her not being a part of her life.

Which is why I, like a lot of fans, was so surprised when Meredith stood Link up and started dating DeLuca with no explanation given for either. Following that Amelia and Link got together and as I think many will agree they’re great together and are obviously a better fit. Prior to the conference episode Link and Amelia only had one small scene together that I can recall which makes me wonder if they shot a deleted scene together where their chemistry came through and the writers decided to put them together instead.

During Season 15 when Meredith had just started dating DeLuca, Ellen was interviewed at an awards party and was asked about her potential love interests. She said that Meredith had chosen DeLuca for now and that one of the challenges about having a show go this long is that it’s hard to find actors who are willing to be on a show that’s already so established long term. This makes it sound like they were in the process of hiring a substantial new love interest for Meredith for Season 15 and it fell through because the actor was offered a part on a new series or perhaps a movie role. With this context, the about change of face we saw in the second half of Season 15 starts to make sense. A few different scenarios are possible here.

One, they hired Chris Carmack to play Link with the intention of making him Meredith’s new love interest, but then realized he worked better with Amelia and then decided to put Meredith with DeLuca as they had already set that up. Two, they did all of that and then when they realized Amelia and Link worked better together, they decided to have Meredith date DeLuca to create a transition point, before introducing a new more permanent love interest only for the casting to fall through at the last minute.

We’ll probably never know what the real story is, but it seems clear that the only reason that Meredith and DeLuca wound up dating or being anything more than a hookup or a brief fling is casting for Meredith’s new permanent love interest fell through. You can tell that once they decided to go for it, they tried to give DeLuca more depth by giving him part of the backstory that they originally wrote for the love interest that was supposed to appear in Season 14.

As many other people have commented on, while Ellen and Giacomo are friends in real life it’s pretty clear that Ellen is not into the Meredith and DeLuca pairing and that really comes across on screen. They’re both good actors, but they come across as so wooden and stiff every time they’re on screen together in what is supposed to be a romantic way. From the fragments of interviews I did read from Season 15 and the break between seasons 15 and 16 when the showrunners brought the idea of bringing the two characters together to the actors were both really surprised and confused.

Ellen’s opinion on the pairing clearly hasn’t changed whereas Giacomo seems to have really gotten into it which is a shame considering that they have absolutely no chemistry and don’t work at all. When Season 15 wrapped Krista did a post-mortem interview which I read to try and understand the cluster eff that was the second half of that season and it only left me more confused. The show that got described in that article sounded nice, but it had absolutely no relation to the show that actually aired that season.

It appears based on this that during Season 15, the first season not to have Shonda Rhimes’ direct daily oversight as she moved on to other projects, the perception of the cast and crew as to what was working on screen and the reality was wildly off base. It’s also possible that they knew certain storylines weren’t working, but they hoped that if they talked them up enough and gave the fans more time to get used to them they would warm up to them. This might explain why they decided to keep pushing ahead with the storylines they had planned, rather than what actually worked on screen during the second half of the season.

As we saw that straight up didn’t work and it appears that they realized it too because in Season 16 they retconned, changed, and fixed all of the storylines that didn’t work from the previous season. In fact the only two major storylines that they kept were the pairings of Amelia and Link and Teddy and Tom because those were the only storylines out of that season that really worked. As I’ve said before I’m very glad that they did because this resulted in the introduction of Hayes as a character.

While I’m strongly of the belief that Meredith and DeLuca make no sense as a pairing and should never have happened, one of the silver linings of that storyline is that in enabled the show to finally hire a permanent love interest that worked. I noticed that during and after Season 14 every other article that came out about the show was about who Meredith’s new love interest would be. So, in a way it’s not surprising that information got leaked to the press because they absolutely hounded them about it.

After Meredith got with DeLuca the media attention subsided which allowed the show to hire an actor to play Meredith’s new love interest that actually worked and keep it a surprise. I remember when they announced that Hayes would be joining the cast. I remember being annoyed because I wanted Alex back at Grey Sloan and I saw a lot of people speculating that he was a new love interest for Maggie. This redirected attention allowed the show to hire a new actor to play a permanent suitable mature love interest for Meredith without the entire storyline getting spoiled.

Also, you’ll notice that in creating Hayes as a character they used the other part of the backstory they had crafted for the Season 14 love interest that had to scraped. I think these two storylines really showcase how the right casting and the right set up can make all the difference. As my Tumblr friend @onthetrailtohappiness once said DeLuca was never intended to be a love interest for the show’s main character. Suddenly forcing him into that role didn’t change that. The set up wasn’t there and shoehorning in a backstory for him that was taken from an abandoned character to magically give him something in common with Meredith after he’d been on the show for several years didn’t change that and it clearly didn’t work.

The character of Hayes on the other hand was clearly created to be a love interest for Meredith. You can tell from the way they gel on screen that they did a chemistry test with the actors and I’ve read that Ellen herself was part of the casting process. They took the unused backstory that they had and built it into his character from the beginning which is why Hayes works so well. That and the actor does a great job playing him and giving him a depth and a complexity that makes him really interesting and fun to watch. Part 2: https://jazy3.tumblr.com/post/620941935846293504/merhayes-interview-thoughts-part-2

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hongism · 5 years ago

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finding beauty in your darkest places - chapter 2

this was originally supposed to come out tomorrow but i got excited and whoops!

Pairing: TBA (we’ll see where this takes us lol)

Genre: Psychiatric Clinic!au, Heavy Angst, Some Fluff

Word Count: 6315

Warnings: deals with mental and emotional illnesses and disorders as a heavy theme of the story, future graphic depictions of disorders - please do not read if this makes you uncomfortable also strong language in this chapter

Note: please know that nothing in this story is meant to be a glamorization of any disorder, this is meant to be a real approach and depiction of these things, and i did a LOT of research prior to writing this about every disorder mentioned so that i was careful about what i wrote about each one. I am trying to be as knowledgeable as possible in terms of the content written within this story. I will not glamorize any disorder within this story whatsoever.

Rating: PG-13/Mature

Summary: Everyone has their issues, and everyone deals with them differently. Jungkook thinks that avoiding his problems is the best option out there.

aka

Jeon Jungkook is the newest patient at the Omelas Specialized Psychiatric Clinic, and he just wants to get in and out as quickly as possible so that he can go back to university and be with his friends again. Of course, that doesn't work out according to his plan.

a/n: thank you so so much to @yoongi-sugaglider and @mikaeka for helping me out and beta reading this for me! it was such a huge help!

Chapter:

1 | 2 | 3

Finding Beauty in Your Darkest Places

Chapter 2: Curtains Over the Mind

...

The methodical brushing of Jungkook’s toothbrush against his teeth is the only sound in the room. Mind blank, he spits into the sink before looking up at his reflection once more. Silence. He is beginning to grow accustomed to the quiet of his surroundings, which has been his one companion in his room for the past six days. Putting his toothbrush back in its holder, Jungkook brings a finger up to tug at the skin around his eyes, then drags his hand down to pinch his cheek. A yawn pushes its way through his mouth, and Jungkook shakes himself out of the thoughts that try to invade his mind.

The moment he steps out of the bathroom, someone clears their throat and breaks through the solitude that Jungkook normally encounters in the mornings.

“Good morning.” Namjoon beams at him from the doorway, hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants. “Did Tae already leave?” Jungkook huffs in response, pushing his sheets into somewhat of a clean state before joining Namjoon by the door. “I’m guessing that means no progress then.”

“None,” Jungkook replies. “He’s still avoiding me like I’m diseased or something. Did I do something wrong? Is that why he’s ignoring and avoiding me?” Jungkook wrings his hands together, brows creasing as he looks to Namjoon for answers.

“Jungkook, you’ve asked that same question at least twenty times in the past few days, and the answer is still no. You still haven’t even explained why you think Taehyung is avoiding you in the first place.” Jungkook relaxes his features and turns to look at the window instead. The memory remains fresh in his mind, a recording that plays over and over every time Jungkook sees or thinks about Taehyung.

“The bear. My bear. The stuffed bear that I always keep on my bed. It’s from someone important to me. I know it was there before I left the room earlier. I checked fifteen times, because I had to keep resituating him!”

Jungkook shakes his head.

“We put everything together in the order that you like and followed your instructions when doing so. It’s all put together the way you like.”

“It’s not. I would know. And you lost the most important thing!”

“I don’t know why.”

“Mr. Kim, did you take your pills this morning?”

“Nothing happened?” Namjoon asks further, but Jungkook refuses to take the bait.

“No, because things weren’t in the right order. I have to take them with the yogurt at the end of my meal, but no one brought yogurt this morning. It makes me antsy, and I can’t take them if it doesn’t follow that order.”

“It started happening after the first day. He just stopped talking to me after showing me the room.” He fidgets under Namjoon’s gaze, a rush of panic going through him. Namjoon looks away and heaves a deep sigh.

“I’ve talked to Taehyung—” Jungkook whips his head in Namjoon’s direction “—and he claims that he’s not avoiding you. Your schedules must not line up well or something. Let’s walk to the dining area before we’re late.” Namjoon places a hand on Jungkook’s sleeve and tugs him into the hall with little effort as Jungkook goes along with it without complaint.

“Taehyung is never there when I go to sleep, and when I wake up, he’s either gone already or still asleep. I never see him during the day either!” Jungkook counters. I can’t be the only one who sees it. I know he’s avoiding me. Namjoon doesn’t stop walking but passes a sympathetic grin Jungkook’s way.

“It must be a coincidence,” he reasons, “you shouldn’t read into it too much.” Jungkook opens his mouth to retort but decides against it at the last second, clamping his lips shut and falling into step with Namjoon without another word. It isn’t worth it to argue further about the topic, and besides, the dining room is within view now, including the outline of Taehyung’s profile at one of the far tables. He shifts his gaze, not wanting to reflect on the memory that lingers at the edge of his mind for a second time this morning, and you come into view instead. Hair loose and barely brushing your shoulders, you lean close to your companion, lips moving in haste as you whisper to the man beside you. Jungkook recognizes the owner of the black hair beside you instantly. Despite having sat with the man on more than one occasion over the past few days, Jungkook feels only discomfort when sitting with him, because Min Yoongi is the most intimidating person he’s ever come into contact with.

Your sharp eyes find his as he and Namjoon approach the table. You stop your train of thought, falling silent but maintaining your stare on Jungkook, and when Yoongi notices your sudden distraction, he leans back in his chair. A sigh starts escaping his lips before he even looks at Jungkook and doesn’t stop until he slowly drags his eyes over the younger man.

That’s the other reason why Jungkook doesn’t particularly enjoy being around Min Yoongi. Any time they’re in the same vicinity, Yoongi acts as though Jungkook fails to exist, rarely even breathing in his direction. In other words, Yoongi hates him, or so Jungkook has convinced himself, because he cannot reason a different explanation for the man’s behavior.

“Oi, Jeon!”

Jungkook knows that the noise doesn’t come from Namjoon, but he looks to the man at his side anyways before turning on his heel to examine the area behind him. The culprit grins at him, teeth parted just enough for his tongue to slip through and play with the left corner of his lips. Jungkook wishes he were invisible, because the attention Mingyu brought to him is nothing short of terrifying.

“Gotta ask you a question, Jeon. Why are you still hanging with those three dumbasses? Don’t you know by now that they’ll bring you nothing but trouble?”

A scene is the last thing Jungkook needs right now, so he opts to turn around and plop onto the seat in front of him. You sit directly across from him, gaze still bearing holes into his skull even with Mingyu’s lilting voice resounding in the background.

The table trembles. Namjoon sits down alongside Jungkook without retorting. Out of the corner of his eye, Jungkook catches the slight shift in his jaw as he grinds his teeth.

“Oh, no response? You’ve got no backbone, Jeon! Just doing exactly what they want you to do, being buttered up to become another lost cause.” Mingyu drags his words out, and Jungkook can envision the shit-eating grin still on his lips.

Palms slam against the table. Jungkook redirects his attention to you now, and your gaze has broken at last, now finding a new target in Mingyu.

“You’re damn lucky there’s nothing I can throw at you nearby,” you spit back, but a laugh comes in response.

“What, like cigarettes?”

“Um, do you have any cigarettes?”

“Mingyu, shut your mouth before you start a fight!” Namjoon yells over his shoulder, breaking the facade of calm in his tone for the first time. The ruckus behind him indicates that Mingyu is on his feet now. As much as Jungkook wants to turn around and see what’s going on, he doesn’t want to give Mingyu the pleasure of having attention on him.

“What am I doing wrong? None of the nurses are stopping me. You know why? Jeon, you better listen up if you know what’s good for yourself. The nurses know who the real issues are in here, and they’ll only react when one of you snaps.” You curl your fingers into your palms, knuckles going white as you increase the pressure. Jungkook maintains a steady gaze and watches your fists carefully as though you’ll lash out at any second. “C’mon, Y/N, aren’t you gonna throw something at me? Do it. Throw whatever you want at me, baby. Don’t worry, I’m a big boy, I can take it — unlike some other people.”

You're not the one who lashes out after all, and neither is Namjoon, or anyone Jungkook would’ve thought. No, it’s Min Yoongi who gets to his feet, quiet aura never wavering even as he glares across the room. Jungkook can’t guess what may be on his mind; the deadpan expression on his features stays glued like a mask. There is an unquestionable rage in his dark eyes though, which causes Jungkook to swivel in his seat to view Mingyu’s reaction to the stare. Instead of finding Mingyu’s face, though, Jungkook only sees his back, as the man plops onto his seat without putting up anymore of a fight. All the fire behind his words disappears in an instant, snuffed out by a simple ice cold stare from Yoongi, and even though he isn’t the recipient, Jungkook feels cold all the sudden.

Namjoon’s laugh cuts through the quiet surrounding the table, and Yoongi lowers himself back to his seat whilst perpetuating the stony facade.

“We haven’t even eaten breakfast yet, and I’m already done with drama for the day.” Jungkook laughs along with Namjoon if only to block the uneasy feeling settling in his stomach. And, as fate would have it, Jungkook garners no release from the panic building in his body, because here comes another mostly unfamiliar face that threatens to steal away Jungkook’s last shreds of normality. If he could, Jungkook would melt through the floor and disappear so he might be able to escape this awful and uncomfortable situation. Yet, that doesn’t happen, and Jungkook finds himself stuck as the newcomer gets closer and closer to their table.

“Kim Seokjin. Age 25. I graduated with a degree in film studies before coming here."

“Good morning,” he sings, falling into the empty seat beside you and glances across the table in Jungkook’s direction. His eyes are too wide and round for Jungkook to call them piercing, but the gaze behind them is surely intimidating nonetheless. The stare is constant and unwavering. Jungkook’s heart races in the confines of his ribcage. Slow blinking. Fast breaths. Five, ten, fifteen seconds without a word, then — “Have I met you before?”

“P-Pardon?” Jungkook stutters, a bit taken aback by the sudden question from the man.

“I feel as though I’ve met you before, but in a dream.”

Jungkook wants to say, yes we’ve met once before, but you didn’t speak to me at all. The words fail to come to life, and Jungkook lets them die in his mind. You and Namjoon exchange a glance, one that Jungkook doesn’t get the chance to analyze or read since it fades too quickly. Seokjin offers no chance for Jungkook to respond anyways because he turns his head towards you and begins talking about an interesting article he read last night. The words are gibberish and meaningless in Jungkook’s mind, and he can’t tell whether you are merely humoring Seokjin or actually interested in what he’s saying.

“There are biopsychosocial correlations and triggers in it, and I read that the prefrontal cortex may inhibit neural circuits that normally form the substrate of emotional experience. Sometimes there are some visual and auditory cortex abnormalities that can lead to issues as well, but the somatosensory cortex abnormalities are the most interesting ones because it affects sensations of pressure, pain, and warmth on and within the body rather than focusing on one single thing like hearing or sight. So wouldn’t that mean that those cortex abnormalities are also causing issues within the mechanoreceptors, chemoreceptors, and nociceptors?” You purse your lips, head tilting back and forth before passing an answer back to Seokjin.

“That would make sense since they’re all part of the somatosensory system, but without test to analyze a person’s receptors and sensory neurons, we couldn’t make any certain statements about it. Besides, one patient may have no issues with certain chemoreceptors while another could have problems in all of them, right?”

“True, true. The article didn’t mention that, but I should’ve thought about that. It addressed some other interesting topics though. I read that emotionally adverse scenes are activated by the right ventral prefrontal cortex, so if we can find some way to control the effects in that portion of the cortex, then we might be able to manage the scenes and keep them from occurring often. Also, I think that by combining the neuroleptics we can change how the abnormalities affect the brain and personality.” Jungkook stares at Seokjin, trying to wrap his mind around the barrage of information that he just spewed, but realizes moments later that he has no way of understanding anything that was just said.

“You have a solid theory, Jin, but there are major issues to think about as well,” you respond, eyes trailing over Seokjin’s face as you speak. “Antipsychotic medications worsen the effects of depersonalization to a point where it could be a larger problem that is was initially. We could try Modafinil to see how it impacts the prefrontal cortex and somatosensory abnormalities, but there is a small margin of error in mixing medications. You have to address the differences and similarities of disorders and consider how they play off each other.” Seokjin looks up from the table, and instead of countering your argument with one of his own, he examines the other people sitting around him as though noticing them for the first time.

“Sorry for cutting you guys out of the conversation. I didn’t mean to exclude you.” A laugh passes through his lips — a nervous one that is accompanied by a scratch behind his ear. “I got excited because I made it through the entire article without getting distracted. I think it’ll be enough to show the nurses that I can start helping out more and do other things besides showing new patients around.” Your expression shifts, lips curling downwards all of the sudden, but you say nothing that might hurt Seokjin’s mood. Yoongi, on the other hand, pulls no punches.

“That won’t happen any time so—”

“That’s great, Seokjin. I think you’re showing a lot of fantastic progress,” Namjoon cuts Yoongi off before he can finish his train of thought and dampen Seokjin’s hopefulness. Jungkook drifts out of the conversation again as he glances past Seokjin’s shoulder and spots someone of more interest - that person being Taehyung. His heart starts to race again. Taehyung’s eyes are on Jungkook, watching and calculating with great care. A brief exchange of glances, then Taehyung drops his chin before Jungkook can read the emotion behind his dark eyes. Taehyung’s lips move quickly as he whispers to the man beside him.

It hits in that moment of vulnerability.

A wave of cold washes over Jungkook’s mind as though someone has just cracked open his skull and let air hit his brain.

Where he balls the fabric of his pants between shaky fingers, knuckles turn white.

Pinpricks in the corners of his eyes.

Dampness on his palms.

And panic.

Sheer panic at what Taehyung might be telling Jimin, and cold dead panic around the way your gaze shifts to his rigid body, a strange dance being performed by the slow movements of your head and the rapid beats of his heart that he feels in his throat now.

Taehyung must think I’m stupid. I bet he’s telling Jimin that. Probably wishes he had a better roommate or didn’t have one at all. And Y/N must think I’m just crazy. I know I look batshit insane 90% of the time, so now wouldn’t be an exception.

Jungkook wants to look elsewhere, find something that will take away the panic, and be more calm than he is not. The sensation of paralysis governs his body from head to toe, and he feels as though he can’t even move his eyes. So, he stares at you with brows dipped together and lips parted slightly as he releases a panicked plea for help without a sound. Help. He doesn’t know what he expects you to do, in all honesty. There isn’t much you can do for him while he’s in this state.

“Jungkook, you never mentioned that you play the piano!” Jungkook nearly jumps in his seat, the suddenness of your statement catching everyone off guard — including yourself, because you cringe a bit as you realize the volume of your voice. It’s the first time Jungkook has seen your stony exterior falter, a slight shift in your composed attitude turning it into something frantic that Jungkook can’t quite pinpoint. You hesitate. Jungkook blinks at you, the wide eyes and round ‘o’ of your lips. Then, you recover, finding your words again. “Um, I overheard you playing in the entertainment room the other day. You’re quite good.”

“O-oh, thanks...you. Thank you, um.”

“How long have you been playing?”

“It’s, uh, been a few years.”

“It sounded like you’ve been playing for quite some time. You must have a great teacher then?” Your continuous barrage of questions serve a good purpose in that Jungkook can no longer focus on Taehyung or Jimin or whatever words they might be exchanging because you keep him glued to the spot. Words compelling, almost begging to harness his attention a bit longer, keep him in place and prevent him from drifting back to the panic.

“No teacher, a-actually. I taught myself to play as a hobby...when I was bored one day…” Jungkook trails off and blinks around the table, uncertainty coming forward. You encourage him with a small smile, and the forced action stretches your lips in an uncomfortable yet comforting way. Then your gaze shifts to the unpredictable man on your left, a delicate hand reaching out and latching onto his tense shoulders.

“You and Yoongi have even more in common than I originally thought. How about that?” No response follows, so you continue with your train of thought, “You know, it might be nice for you two buzzkills to spend some time together. Play piano, talk about the detriments of cigarettes, that sort of thing.”

“Did you harass him for cigarettes, Y/N?” Seokjin’s voice rises now, a slight panic to his tone as he reacts to your words.

“I did not, Jin! How could you think such a thing?” You scoff, shifting your arm so that your elbow now rests on Yoongi’s shoulder.

“If you get caught again—”

“I won’t.”

“You won’t do it, or you won’t get caught?” You fall silent at the accusation. The air remains quiet for the next couple seconds before Yoongi decides to pipe up and offer an answer to your previous suggestion.

“I don’t need to waste my time on a kid.” The words bite as Jungkook’s skin, and he argues with the statement internally, too afraid to voice it to Yoongi’s face. I’m not a kid though. And why would I be a waste of time? Is that how all of you see me? Am I just a waste of time getting in your way?

“Yea, I mean, I thin—I agree with him. I don’t want to intrude or mess with his routine or anything like that. Like, it isn’t even super important to me — piano, that is — it’s only a hobby.”

“Chill, you two,” you protest as you withdraw your arm from Yoongi’s shoulder. “It was just a suggestion to keep you guys off my back.” If you mean to say anything else, you don’t get the chance to because Seokjin jolts forward in his seat and shoots a hand out to latch onto your forearm. His grip is so tight that Jungkook can see the red forming on your skin already. It doesn’t take much effort to see why Seokjin lashed out, because his wide eyes have focused on something behind Yoongi. Jungkook shifts along with the other people at the table and follows his train of sight. At first, he doesn’t understand Seokjin’s reaction because all he sees is a patient with burnt orange hair walking to an empty table. A nurse, who Jungkook recognizes to be Nurse Kang after double checking, follows close behind. Despite knowing Nurse Kang, Jungkook can’t recall ever seeing the patient before. There are only fifteen patients, and he thought he would’ve seen them all after almost a week, but this is a new face. He looks to you for answers.

“Wow…” Namjoon breathes out. “I haven’t seen Hoseok in a long time.”

“Do you think it’s a good sign?” Seokjin directs the question at you.

“No, it’s just a good morning,” you refute almost immediately. “There are no good signs when it comes to Hoseok.” What? Jungkook blanches. No good signs?

“Good morning everyone! We’re going to start passing out breakfast trays. Remember to take your medications with the meal.”

No one mentions Hoseok again, which leaves a bad taste in Jungkook’s mouth. He stays quiet as the nurses bring the trays around to serve Namjoon and Seokjin first and then circle around the table until they reach Jungkook. Everyone starts eating straight away, but Jungkook hesitates. Instead, he glares down at the triangle of pills next to his water and juice, the round tablets that almost laugh back at him for his weaknesses. Across the table, he sees you thumbing over your medicine in a similar manner, pushing the pills around your palm but not throwing them back the way Yoongi does. And maybe Jungkook is just imagining things, but he swears he sees the same trio of pills in your hand that lie on his tray. They disappear into your mouth before he can check again.

The quiet while eating is something Jungkook should be used to since it’s a regular occurrence at this table, but today feels slightly different. Whether it’s because of the tense altercation that happened when he came in or due to the entrance of the patient Hoseok, Jungkook can’t pinpoint the cause. The sinking pit in his stomach heralds more danger and tension to come. His mind tells him that every day, so he wants to push it aside.

Then Jimin approaches the table, clearing his throat and tapping on your shoulder, and Jungkook knows that for once, his mind told the truth.

“Sorry to interrupt, but could I borrow you for a few minutes, Y/N?” You don’t say anything at first, responding with a sharp look at the man. Jimin clears his throat again. “Taehyung wants to talk to you, not me. If that means anything…” As Jimin trails off, you get to your feet without any more hesitation and step over to where Taehyung sits. Jimin’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise at your haste but fall back to a slight furrow within a second, then he turns on his heel and goes back to his seat.

Jungkook does his best to listen to the conversation, but Seokjin starts to talk again. Another rant about some article that only Namjoon is paying attention to, because Yoongi also leans back to watch your interaction with Taehyung.

Are they talking about me? Is Taehyung telling Y/N that I’m a bad person? That I did something wrong? Jungkook can’t stop the voices rushing to the forefront of his mind, the ones he tries to bury and dismiss. Taehyung is telling her how much he hates you. She’s agreeing with him. She knows you’re full of shit and worthless. Why does she even waste her time on you? Yoongi has the right idea: ignore you. That’s all you deserve. Think about it, Jeon. Think about it. What have you ever done to deserve an ounce of goodness in your life?

“I know exactly which son of a bitch did it.” It’s your voice, yet again, that shakes Jungkook out of his thoughts. Your voice to halt the ones chattering incessantly in his mind, and your voice that brings a hush to the dining area. “Thinks he’s all that, and he can get away with whatever the hell he wants.”

“Please don’t make a big deal out of it,” Taehyung cuts in, grabbing you by the arm when you get to your feet. Your glare focuses on someone across the room. “Please, it’s not worth it. It really isn’t. It’s not a problem, Y/N, please.” You ignore Taehyung’s pleas. Taehyung protests again as you tug your arm out of his grip, walking away from him and marching towards the table where Mingyu sits.

“Do you think you’re fucking funny, Choi Mingyu?” You snap, yanking Mingyu to face you. “Is this all a big joke for you and your friends to laugh at?” Mingyu blinks at your enraged face before collecting himself and covering his face with a stony facade.

“Sorry, baby, but I have no clue what you’re going on about. Did you miss your medications one day?”

“Miss L/N, you need to calm down and lower your voice. Please, we don’t want to distress any of the patients. Mr. Choi, we’ve discussed this before. You need to treat your fellow patients with respect.” A nurse steps forward to get between you and Mingyu but you retaliate and jab a finger at Mingyu’s face.

“He stole from another patient!”

“I didn’t do anything.” Mingyu’s voice is too calm compared to yours, he is refusing to show any signs of anger, which is strange to Jungkook considering how he behaved earlier today. “Maybe you should check with the resident kleptomaniac before you throw accusations around like that.”

“Mr. Choi, do not talk about your fellow patients in that manner!” Neither you nor Mingyu are paying any attention to the nurse at your side, however, and her desperate attempts to quell the situation fall on deaf ears.

“There’s no way it was anyone but you,” you argue. “I swear I’m gonna get it back from you and prove that you’re a lying asshole.”

“Well, if you want it that badly, I’m sure I can be gracious enough to work out a sweet deal with you. Of course, it’ll have to lean more in my favor since you’re the one asking for something in return.”

“This really is all a joke to you.” Anger drops from your tone, being replaced by disbelief. “I know this won’t fit through your thick skull, but what you stole is something just as important as medication. It helps Taehyung just as much as medication does, and by taking it, you’re taking away something he needs.” The bear? Jungkook swivels and looks at Taehyung, spotting his quivering lip. Was it stolen? I haven’t seen it in the room yet...maybe...is that why he’s been avoiding me? Why does he need it though?

“Oh sweetheart, you sure are full of shit as always.” A new yet still vaguely familiar voice cuts into the conversation. Jungkook hasn’t heard Yesung talk much since the first day. His laugh rings familiar, even now as there is a hint of ridicule in it. “You should try begging. I’m sure you’d be good at it.”

“Mr. Kim, do not step into this as well! If I have to warn any of you one more time, then there will be consequences. Do you understand?”

“Quit playing your stupid little games, Yesung. They don’t suit you,” you hiss through gritted teeth.

“Me? Playing games? Ha, wow! But I’m not playing any games. Say, Mingyu, should we ask Yoongi if she’s any good begging? I think he would know, don’t you?” A loud pop echoes through the room, cutting through the terse silence that follows Yesung’s question. Your hand still lingers in the air beside Yesung’s face, and the man slowly touches the cheek you so violently slapped. A streak of red glistens on his skin. There’s no way your hit broke the skin. The blood can’t be his. Jungkook can tell your chest is heaving by the way your shoulders rise and fall.

“Miss L/N! You will sit down this instant and finish your meal, then report to Dr. Choi directly after mealtime to tell him what you did wrong.” A nurse pushes you away from Yesung.

“Send me now. I’m not hungry anymore.” You shrug the nurse’s touch off and leave the room. Jungkook spots red on your palm as you go, thick droplets running down your fingers. Yesung’s disgusting laugh resounds alongside Mingyu’s. Jungkook watches him wipe the blood from his cheek, laughing all the while. His hands shake as he turns in his seat and faces his tray of food with a queasy feeling. If there is something good to say, Jungkook doesn’t know what it is. The one thing at the forefront of his mind is Yesung’s teasing question.

Should we ask Yoongi is she’s any good at begging?

Jungkook balls his sweatpants into his fists.

I think he would know, don’t you?

Yoongi didn’t say anything in your defense.

Not a word.

“Why didn’t you tell them they were wrong?” Jungkook asks. He knows it’s none of his business, he shouldn’t be asking, it’s not his place — but dammit, seeing you crumble like that felt wrong. “Why didn’t you defend her?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Jungkook leans back at Yoongi’s retaliation. He bites down hard on his lip and nearly breaks the skin as he does. Yoongi doesn’t say anything more. Jungkook can’t stand to look at him, so he redirects his attention to where Taehyung sits. It’s a familiar scene, one that brings memories of the first day back swiftly. He tugs at his hair, yanking and pulling as though trying to tear it from his scalp. Jimin is talking quickly, too quiet for Jungkook to overhear, and forcing his way into Taehyung’s line of sight. It must be the bear. The way Taehyung talked about it...I can’t imagine it would be anything but that. Why would Y/N be involved though? Thinking of you brings the image of your hand dripping blood to mind again, and Jungkook guzzles water to drive the picture away.

“She shouldn’t have let them get her riled up,” Namjoon mutters as he pushes food around on his tray. “That’s exactly what they wanted. They wanted her to lash out to prove a point.”

“What point?” Jungkook inquires. He’s the only person listening to Namjoon because Yoongi is glaring at his food without acknowledging anyone else at the table and Seokjin stares out the window with a blank expression.

“They wanted to prove that Y/N and the rest of us will bring you nothing but trouble.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“Thanks, but they aren’t entirely wrong. We have a bad track record — all four of us do for different reasons, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re the source of trouble.”

“What’s their issue anyways? Why are they so bitter and pissy all the time?”

“Surely you’ve encountered people like that at other wards you’ve been to. In some ways, Omelas is nothing different than those clinics. It can be worse at times because there are so few people here, and all the patients deal with multiple issues. A catalyst for disaster. I’m sorry that we’ve dragged you into a mess within your first couple days.” Namjoon reaches across the table all the sudden, carefully resituating your abandoned tray of food, which you jostled when you got up. He straightens it once, twice, three times before he is satisfied with the positioning, then passes a thin lipped smile in Jungkook’s direction. “Their actions were wrong and unnecessary. They shouldn’t constantly behave the way they do simply because they can’t get out of here yet. All they want is to be released, but they don’t ever make an effort to change. In Mingyu’s case, he’s got such a thick skull and ridiculous pride that it makes it almost impossible for him to change. His way of coping with that fact is to push his bitterness and spite onto others.”

Jungkook remembers the expression on Namjoon’s face when he spoke those words as he walks the halls an hour later. His normal routine would be a slight panic attack and a retreat to the bathroom for thirty minutes before going to his scheduled appointment. After the events at breakfast, Jungkook finds himself preoccupied with thoughts of that instead. He doesn’t even think about the doctor whom he doesn’t know and the invasive, personal questions that are inevitable. Your behavior, the fight, Yoongi’s rage, and Namjoon’s surprising crack in his usual calm facade. Jungkook thinks them through over and over again until he reaches the hardwood door of his doctor. The gold plaque reflects his eyes and the name Dr. Martin.

Knock, knock, knock.

“Come in!”

Jungkook drops his chin as he enters the room. The scent of lavender hits his nose, stronger here than anywhere else in the clinic.

“Good morning, Mr. Jeon. How are we doing today?”

“Just fine,” Jungkook murmurs back, finding his way to the cushioned seat in front of Dr. Martin’s desk.

“Fine? I heard there was an altercation this morning at breakfast. How did that make you feel?” A click of a pen resounds. Jungkook sighs and looks up at Dr. Martin so that the man can see the smile plastered across his lips.

“It didn’t upset me at all.”

“I see. How are you getting along with the other patients? Have there been any issues?”

“No sir. I’ve been doing well with everyone so far.”

“Is that the case? Your file reads that you suffer from—”

“I’ve been doing just fine, Dr. Martin.” Jungkook knows that there isn’t anyone else in the room to overhear the conversation, no way someone could figure out his weakness. Hearing the words aloud hurt in a different way though. Jungkook would be stupid if he let the voices in his head win another battle by listening to his weaknesses be recited like a menu.

“Which patients have you been getting close with? I hope you’ve chosen well.”

“Um Namjoon and…” Jungkook hesitates to add your name to the list. “Taehyung and uh, Seokjin. Y/N too.”

“Interesting.” Dr. Martin scribbles on his notepad but says nothing further. “Now let’s discuss your current prescriptions. I believe the list is as follows: Lexapro, Klonopin, and Prozac. Correct?”

“Yes sir.”

“How are you doing with those medications? Still well?”

“Yes sir.”

“I’m thinking of switching you to Zoloft instead of Lexapro.”

“I’ve already tried that though.”

“Do not argue with me, Mr. Jeon. I am making this decision because it is the best decision for you right now. I ask that you try the medication for at least one to three months before switching to something different again.”

He wants to refute again but decides it isn’t worth the effort. Dr. Martin smiles as Jungkook slumps in his chair, pen never ceasing its scribbling.

“We will meet again tomorrow, Mr. Jeon. You are dismissed.”

“Thank you.” Jungkook almost sprints out of the room, eager to be free from the stiff air and Dr. Martin. No one graces the halls as he makes the trek back to his room. It feels like the place has been abandoned, which is odd because over the last couple of days, Jungkook has always run into nurses and other patients when he gets out of his appointment with Dr. Martin.

Breakfast started the day off on the wrong foot, and the vibe for the rest of the day is going to be similar to it.

As Jungkook walks through the hall full of bedrooms, he takes the time to actually look at the rooms around him for once. Normally, he rushes through with his head ducked to avoid making eye contact with anyone else who might be in the hall as well, but since it is abandoned today, he decides to do otherwise. The small name placards to the right of each door tell him who resides where. The first name he spots is Mingyu’s, the first room on his right and two doors away from his own bedroom. He glances over the room on his left. He doesn’t pay too much attention to the open door and instead reads over the nameplate as he walks past.

Jung Hoseok.

He hesitates. Takes a step back and looks into the open room with those wide curious eyes. There the orange haired man sits, back facing the door and oblivious to the watcher on the outside. He stares forward. Jungkook blinks at the setting before the man, and a shiver passes through him, running down his spine and leaving him with a churning sensation in his gut. He glances at the window then the man one more time before hurrying down the hall to get to his own room before someone notices him.

Even as he digs through his bag and pulls out the notebook he stores there, Jungkook can't shake the uneasy feeling that arose when he saw Hoseok in his room. His hands shake as he drops his duffel bag. It hits the floor with a soft thud, but Jungkook pays it no attention. Rather he stares forward much like Hoseok had, gaze trained on the window before him that pushes bright light into the room. Two trees shrouding the edges of the frame, basketball court below empty of life. Blue sky bearing few clouds, the fluffy masses that linger there dark and grey.

Jungkook sees something out his window, but Hoseok did not.

He couldn't have.

Jungkook makes an effort not to look in the room again when he passes by once more, head ducked as he rushes past.

Because the haunting sensation that filled him when he hesitated in the doorframe was born thanks to the fact that Hoseok sat on the edge of the bed with chin facing a dark window and curtains over the glass.

...

written by: jungtaeyoongles

p.s. sorry for any mistakes!! i cranked this out because i was anxious to post it! lemme know what you think! who is your favorite character? what was your favorite part so far? what do you think each character has in terms of disorders? i’d love to know your thoughts!

consider sending me a ko-fi!!

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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pleasuringmyprincess · 5 years ago

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Love Letter

I wrote the following In July, but decided not to share it at that time. it's now October. Circumstances change.

________________________________________________________________

I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, so please bear with me.

I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

I’ve know Ren for six months or so, in a long distance relationship through circumstance rather than design. Circumstance being that I live in California, while she lives in England. This is not a full time LDR, work and family (I’m also from England) bring me to the UK regularly. So in the time we’ve known each other, I’ve travelled to England every 10-12 weeks, staying for 4-5 weeks each time, and I have two more trips scheduled for between now and the end of the year.

When I met Ren it was supposed to be just for play, but we found we had so much in common, so many shared interests outside in the real world, so much chemistry that a serious relationship quickly developed.

Ren isn’t just a delightful sub, she’s a wonderful mother to two lovely children, she’s fantastic company, intelligent, fun loving, really smart, caring, upbeat all the time, but... there’s always a but, and for Ren it’s a big one.

Let’s start by saying if there was ever someone who didn’t deserve the deck she was dealt it’s Ren. Over the last 6 years her self-esteem has been shattered by her prior partners, (I’ll say no more than that they have one way or another treated her badly) and as a consequence she has suffered from severe depression, has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, has self-harmed, and most recently has been diagnosed and is now being successfully treated for severe Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Pause a moment there - this is the same woman, the woman who has been shit on by the world is also the wonderful mother, the delightful, intelligent, fun loving, smart, caring woman. My unicorn.

Ren’s seen a few big changes recently, most significantly she finally was able to divorce her husband and move to a new home. Two big steps forward, but at a cost of greatly increased anxiety. Just after this she heard that she was losing her job - she’s highly skilled but works in a poorly paid profession and because of the need to care for her kids, can only work part time. And she’s just lost her dom. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

In a scene, Ren is delightful, absolutely exquisite. I couldn’t ask for more, it breaks my heart to think of letting her go. Outside of a scene though, she can be very hard work. It’s more a question of providing support and encouragement over discipline. I have lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent helping her through the pain she feels. When she’s particularly low, it can be 3-4 hours a day. That’s not a complaint, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat even now while I’m writing this. It’s just a sign of the level of commitment you need to make. And just so it’s clear, Ren knows she has these problems and spends a lot of time in self-care activities and while it helps, it’s not enough.

Ren’s a working single mum, on a budget, she’s already very disciplined, very ordered, but she still struggles with some things and I have not been as successful as I would have liked in helping her address these issues (although today she has just proved to me that she can do this unbidden when motivated). I’ve not got to the bottom of why this is, and frankly it’s not been a high priority for me. I’ve been focused on helping her improve her self-esteem, manage her anxiety and encourage her to seek treatment for her PMDD (yay me!). This has really been my primary goal. And while it’s too soon to be sure, it really looks like we have succeeded, her anxiety and PMDD are both under control now. She is far far stronger today than she was three months ago.

Unfortunately, helping her get treatment for PMDD may have been my downfall.

After six years in the wilderness Ren is becoming whole again, free from her past, independent, far stronger than she has been for many years. Strong enough to tell me that she wants to move on. Ren needs someone full time, I know this, we’ve discussed it at length, and I had already put plans in motion to return to live in England to be with her. Now Ren has told me that while I am returning to England, it's not soon enough for her - she doesn’t want to wait. She also has concerns about my marriage. I am divorcing, she knows this, but right now I am married, and my divorce is something that Ren does not want to feel responsible for - she’s not responsible, that ship sailed long ago, but she says she will still feel responsible, and that’s enough. And my age, I’m 14 years older than her, too old in her eyes for a long term commitment.

Now obviously I’m not too happy about this, we are/were amazingly good together and had I not worked so hard to help her through her problems I might not be in this position today. I do feel significantly responsible for Ren’s recent improvement. For giving her the support she needed; for helping her apply for jobs; for showing her that there was a man who would fight for her, accept her for who she is, respect her for it; for being the consistent and reliable dom she needed; and most significantly for getting her back to the doc and having her PMDD addressed.

This is where I get a little twisted - one of the side effects of the medication Ren is taking for PMDD is possible impaired judgement. And there's part of me that thinks, dumping your dom like this wasn't the wisest thing to do right now. So the treatment for PMDD that I helped her get, might possibly be responsible for Ren taking what I think is an ill-judged decision in deciding that she’d rather seek out her perfect Dom than accept this one with all his flaws. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s part of me that thinks ‘Hey, I did the hard work in putting her back together and it would be nice to enjoy some of the benefits’, OK, I fully realize that’s selfish of me, but it’s understandable, I’m a dom, not a saint. To be clear though, it's not the decision I have a problem with, it's the hurried way she approached it. But we serve at our sub’s pleasure, and so here we are.

As it is, and I’ve never shared this with anyone, not even Ren, until now. I made a promise to myself that I’d help her come what may. And if that means 'setting her free' and helping her find a dom who’s worthy of her, that’s what I’ll do.

And so I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

If you think that you might possibly be able to be the dom Ren needs, I’d like to hear from you. Before you all shout, as you might have gathered, I hold Ren in very high regard, and I will not let her settle for anyone who isn’t good enough. And just to be clear, I’m not going away. Ren and I have every intention of remaining friends.

So can this be you?

Let’s see shall we.

You’ve got to accept that Ren is a rich multi-faceted human being. If you are looking for a fuck toy, stop here.

She’s looking for more than just a play partner. Listen to Lou Reid singing Perfect Day, if you can’t offer that, you can stop reading here. Married guys (like me), guys in poly, or any form of relationship with someone else, you can stop here, she wants exclusivity. Btw, if you’re separated, divorcing, or whatever, you’re still married, so you stop here too. You don’t drink sangria in the park with Ren, and then later when it gets dark go home to your wife (read the lyrics, it will make sense).

Age 40-50, no exceptions. You will be fit and healthy, height/weight proportional.

No diseases, you will provide current STI test results, and you will always use a condom.

It will help if you a pro-Remain, if not, you need to be able to offer a coherent argument against. Intelligence matters.

As a submissive, Ren has specific needs, and specific limits. She needs pain, she needs to be spanked, mild to moderate use of a riding crop and paddle is OK, but not severe caning. She needs bondage both for the restraint and the art. Obviously there are other things as well, but she can share that if you meet, and I’m sure there are things that we’ve not tried that she will enjoy. She has limits and you will respect them. You will not humiliate her in any way, not even name calling. Not in play, not as punishment. There are other things you will not do, obviously, and again she can share them if you meet.

You must be an experienced Dom, having a fetlife account or a tumblr blog doesn’t count. You will meet me first. You will provide government photo ID, and references, and I will follow up on references in person.

Ren needs a Dom who is close by, someone who can see her 2-3 times a week without fail and who will remain in close contact when apart. Long distance relationships don’t work for her (ask me how I know), she needs to know you are close by, which means you must be within daily driving distance. No, she will not relocate. She has joint custody of her kids with her ex and that’s not going to change.

You’ve got to accept that she is not at your beck and call. She’s a mother, her kids come first and always will. You don’t even rate second place; like I said, she has a very demanding self-care program that takes a lot of her time, that comes next. She also has a cat. You might aspire to a position above the cat in her hierarchy, but I wouldn’t count on it.

________________________________________________________________

Don't take this as anything other than a mile marker down a road already travelled.

Applications are not currently being accepted.

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vestigialtext · 5 years ago

Text

Euphorroria

[TW suicide, self-harm]

Imagine you turn around there’s suddenly a perfectly circular swirling hole open in the floor, emanating a hazy purple glow and a kind of pulsing, reverb-drenched celestial siren song, like the single sickest shoegaze riff you’ve ever heard.

You think, huh, wow, that’s a pretty weird trip-hazard, and erect some cordons to stop anyone falling in. But you become fixated on the hole, staring in unblinking for hours. It’s curious, it’s beautiful, it’s sonically enchanting, it’s perfumed with a kind of partially floral, partially cardomomic, partially metallic scent which just encroaches on the sickly-sweet – but you still want a taste.

The hole, as it happens, is a portal to insanity.

This is how I experience hypomania; standing steady-of-foot behind the barrier, gazing at wonder to the insanity, hearing its call but keeping a safe distance.

Mania would see me leap the barrier, approach too close, and invariably slip in screaming.

Psychosis, meanwhile, would see me fall in, try to either fight it or fuck it, turn it inside out and prolapse it back through into rational reality, the fabric of which world begin to collapse as internal and external landscapes collide and splinter into one and other and I approach self-oblivion.

A full psychotic break has only happened twice in my lifetime, and frankly I’m lucky to be here writing this drivel – my second episode, nearly a decade ago, almost killed me and left me with almost impossible-to-comprehend scars I’ll bear for the rest of my life, scars invisible to the observer but forever altering my perception of the world, scars I’ve made peace with but which continue to niggle every day. Without getting deep into the nightmarish details, I tried – and, thank fuck, failed – to blind myself, resulting in bilateral scarred corneas which mean that, while my vision remains entirely functional and luckily unimpaired to any significant degree, I experience constant, curious aberrations, especially in low-light where the world melts into a sea of halos.

Importantly, I’m still alive. I very nearly leapt into the Thames on the morning of 10/03/2010, and not through depressive, I-can’t-bear-to-live anguish, but due to chasing immensely powerful delusions and hallucinations to the same place that almost cost me my sight. There’s a lot I’ve written and lot I will write about my experiences of psychosis – particularly re the corrupted internal logic that catalysed much of my bizarre, life-ruining behaviour in 2003 and 2010 – but not here, not now.

Mania, the losing control of my inhibitions and tripping headfirst into hyperactive chaos, has occurred three times in my life, but only progressed through to psychosis twice. I had my first (and to date, only quickly-controlled) manic episode age 16, following a few months as an inpatient at an adolescent psychiatric in Newcastle (remember when the NHS used to offer those kind of services lol). Up until that point, I had been being treated for major depression, which was my diagnosis until the mania emerged. I don’t quite remember the specifics – I celebrated the 20th anniversary of my bipolar 1 diagnosis last month – but one day it seems the depressive fog suddenly cleared and my mind, robbed of feel-good shit for so long, lurched as far as it could in the opposite direction as some kind of bizarre compensatory push.

Perhaps the flip was inevitable, perhaps it was triggered by a chemical predisposition to mania plus guzzling down combinations of all the anti-depressant variants that could be feasibly prescribed for the preceding three months. Who can say. Whatever the case, suddenly I was bouncing around the hospital halls like Sonic the Hedgehog, talking borderline-gibberish garbage incessantly, getting back deep into abandoned A-level art projects and attempting to start roughly 1,000 extracurricular projects simultaneously. The doctors quickly took notice, brought me down with lithium and revised my diagnosis.

Hypomania, (literally “below mania”), is something I experience on average a few times a year, hitting in waves, usually with a clear trigger. It’s a glimpse at the maelstrom of insanity without actually dipping a toe. Delusional ideas can creep into my head, but I can analyse and dismiss them rationally with a firm “No.” I now have enough insight and experience of my own sensations and mood pattern recognition to usually ward off a manic episode, typically with self-seclusion and/or self-management, sometimes with medication. Zopiclone, a sedative, has proven to be something of a magic bullet at sniping down incoming mania, so I try to keep a stash handy – I popped one Saturday gone just to try and keep the train on the rails after barely sleeping for two weeks straight.

After accepting I was an alcoholic six years ago, I’ve gone entirely teetotal, and that itself has greatly improved my ability to monitor myself, to try and regulate my own mood – previously, I’d (technically binge)-drink more or less every single day, and drown out any troublesome hypomanic episode with even more booze, remaining entirely functional (if prone to starting each day with a big purging sick and then having a couple of practically clockwork spew breaks at work) until my liver and my nervous system started wildly red-flagging at the sheer relentless demands I was asking of them, the perpetual nature of my misguided self-medication, so I decided to stop dead drinking or risk further ruining my health.

Without in any way wishing to belittle or underestimate the impact of the disease (severe, bulk-of-a-year depression episodes have also nearly killed me) I feel like depression is something even people who don’t suffer from mental health problems can at least begin to comprehend, can take a stab at imagining the experience. Perhaps not the depths – the eroding, claustrophobic mental space, the glimmer of hope on the horizon disappearing into darkness, all sensory input turning to a grey mush, the head-in-a–tomb depersonalisation – but most people can relate to being “sad”, most people have experienced tragedy at some point in their lives. Hypomania, however, is a trickier prospect to explain. But I’ll try.

I can’t speak for others who experience the condition, but in my case, hypomania manifests itself across my whole physical, mental, emotional spectrum. Although other factors come into play, the biggest single trigger for me seems to be sleep deprivation. It’s no news that circadian rhythms and bipolar disorder are intrinsically interlinked, and I have very real first-hand experience. As a shiftworker (occasional nightshift worker) who lives on the opposite side of London to my office and has a four-month old daughter, my current sleep hygiene is pretty... ropey to say the least, so I’m trying to be extra vigilant. A few nights back-to-back of little sleep (I’m talking a hour or two, at the best of times my sleep is shit anyway and five hours is a good stint) I can often feel my mood changing gears.

Simply put, when I’m hypomanic, the world is a more engaging place; more detail fills the cracks, more edges pique my interest. All of my senses sharpen up – my vision becomes cleaner, brighter, more vivid, sound seemingly has additional frequency space, imperceptible before. My senses of smell and taste overwhelm me, aromas become intoxicating and normal food takes on gourmet qualities. My energy level skyrockets without any additional external input; I have much more impetus, enthusiasm about life, work, whatever. I can literally feel my mind starting to function differently – but not necessarily more efficiently – taking shortcuts, randomly accessing memories in remarkable detail without any prompt. I can think faster, but with less focus; I’m more distractible and will happily shoot off on wild tangents with complete disregard for my goal. Depending on circumstances at home or work, hypomania is a mixed bag – any lethargy is dispelled and my agency and job satisfaction is heightened, but I might, say, approach 20 tasks simultaneously when sequentially would be more rational.

Depending on social context, I expend varyingly extreme amounts of effort to varying degrees of success attempting to mask a hypomanic episode. You know how your body never really “heals”, and scurvy horrifyingly opens up old scars and shit? That’s kind of what my ever-simmering mental illness feels like when i’m consistently deprived of sleep for whatever reason, the cracks start appearing and it kinda seeps out a bit lol. I am well aware my hypomanic demeanour and delivery can alarm people, and I do try really, really, really hard to suppress things or if absolutely required, just remove myself from situations where a lasting, detrimental opinion could be formed. I am also fully aware I can become borderline intolerable to my long-suffering and remarkably patient wife, and I try to mitigate the condition’s impact on domesticity, again, only ever partially-successfully (sorry, Kate). On any given day, high, low, or creamy middle, I’d estimate around about 90% of my effort is put towards just trying to appear normal to others, trying to blend in. I imagine many other mentally ill people are broadly intolerant to open-plan hotdesking (not to mention the insatiable clock-in-and-hit-marks demands of capitalism).

I can physically feel my body “running hotter” when I’m hypomanic, like an overclocked CPU frazzling on a motherboard; headaches spark quickly if I don’t drink enough water. I’m not especially clued up on chemical synthesis of naturally-occurring hormones etc. but I kinda get the impression hypomania is little like organic, high-on-your-own-supply MDMA.

Hypomania seems to foster within me a deeper connection to and longing to revisit all of my favourite music, art, writing, films, games, people – chiefly, I go on obsessive listening binges of records I adore. As I mentioned earlier, my hearing changes when I’m hypomanic – songs sound better, richer, more punchy. One of my fondest ever memories of mental illness (sadly ruined by slipping into psychosis shortly afterwards) was walking around out at night listening to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless on shitty earbuds via a Spotify stream and still hearing subtle elements blossoming from the mix I’d never clocked before; layers of what sounded like processed flutes fluttering under the wall of guitars, gentle tonal ebs and flows, what seemed to be entire hidden tracks I was only just tuning in to, a secret sound world unveiled.

This might well just be wild conjecture, but I like to think maybe some bands – the bands who “get it” – deliberately bury this audio information deep within the mix, only to be decoded by specific mental setups, be they drug-indicted or naturally, hormonally occurring, breadcrumb trails left in the studio production as a little nod by whoever put the music together that they understand the confusion, the dislocation and alienation of mental illness, something extra beyond the lyrics. It might well be bullshit but it brings me great comfort. I’ve put together a playlist of some favourite tunes I suspect were written about hypomanic states, knowingly or otherwise, or instead conjure up that specific vibe.

To be honest, the hardest thing I find about dealing with episodes of hypomania is that they can feel so good it’s very hard to not attempt to stoke the sensation, prolong it, succumb deeper to it. That way oblivion lies; please stand behind the yellow line at all times.

#hypomania #bipolar #mentalillness

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evilwriter37 · 5 years ago

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hey, so, I’m working on some original characters rn and I’m considering one of them being autistic (having autism? how do words work??), but I myself am not autistic. as someone who is, do you have any tips on how to write an autistic character without being offensive or stereotypical? I don’t have any friends or close family who are autistic that I can ask, and I don’t entirely trust google searches with this kind of thing

Oh, thank you for asking! I’m going to put this under a read more because it turned out quite long. Also, a term thing: allistic means non autistic person and is not an insult.

Okay, so, first thing’s first, most autistic people I’ve talked to like to be referred to as autistic rather than having autism. Person-first language just doesn’t really work because autism isn’t like, a bag we carry around with us or something. Autism shapes a lot about who we are: our personalities, our interests, sometimes what we’re good at, hence autistic person rather than person with autism.

Is your character diagnosed? That is going to have a big impact on how they view themselves. It is much more difficult for AFAB (assigned female at birth) people and poc to get an autism diagnosis than anyone else, as autism has only really ever been studied in white AMAB (assigned male at birth) people. People who are undiagnosed are probably likely to think that there’s something wrong with them and just feel inherently different from everyone else. I didn’t get diagnosed till I was 20 and I felt so different from everyone my whole life. It kind of feels like everyone else got this nifty guidebook on how to “human” and I didn’t. That doesn’t make an autistic person less human of course, but some of us do feel very alien compared to allistic people. Both an undiagnosed and a diagnosed person will find themselves questioning if they’re actually faking being autistic. Of course, they’re not, but people and society can be so invalidating that it feels that way.

You’ll have to decide if they are nonverbal, semi-verbal, or completely verbal. Nonverbal autistic people cannot verbally speak, but they can communicate in other ways. All autistic people have the ability to communicate, even if allistic people do not see it as communicating. Semi-verbal autistic people, like myself, have the ability to talk, but talking is very difficult and sometimes I go nonverbal. Either it’s because talking is taking too much energy and it’s not worth it, or it’s like my mouth and tongue are refusing to correctly follow my commands. I have yet to meet a completely verbal autistic person, but I’m sure they do exist. Means they have the same talking ability as an allistic person. A lot of autistic people who can manage to speak have gone through speech therapy, because wow, talking is hard! Other forms of communication include writing, sign language, body language, gestures, and facial expressions. Someone who is nonverbal is not someone who is lacking the ability to communicate. Some autistic people have speech impediments like stutters, lisps, and difficulties with certain words and letters. (l’s, w’s, and r’s are super difficult.)

Autism is very varied for each individual, which is why it’s a spectrum, so if you have multiple autistic characters, don’t give them all the same traits. Also, some autistic people will get along with each other, while others will find the other absolutely unbearable to be around. We don’t all fit together just because we have the same developmental disorder. And yes, that’s what autism is. Not a mental illness or a disease: developmental disorder.

Some autistic people are hyposensitive, meaning that they are less sensitive to stimuli than allistic people. This can lead to listening to music very loudly and loving bright things, just actions to receive sensation. Some autistic people are hypersensitive, meaning they don’t do well with loud and bright things. (I am hypersensitive and have sometimes described it as the world screaming at me.) Hypersensitivity can lead to sensory overload. A sensory overload lowers focus and raises irritability and upset. Overloads can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns. Some autistic people are a mix of hyposensitive or hypersensitive. Some have no sensory issues at all. A lot of us have things that we refer to as sensory hell: rain, velvet (it’s not soft, okay, don’t touch it, wtf), and other such textures. I literally screamed one time because a door knob was wet. Sticky things suck. A lot of us are touch sensitive and will get upset about certain textures. Certain things will actually hurt, like screeching noises, out of tune instruments, and the pounding of rain.

Meltdowns are an autistic person communicating that they are upset, stressed, and/or overstimulated. A meltdown should not be compared to a tantrum. Meltdowns can involve screaming, crying, rocking, arm waving, and lots of other physical behaviors. Do not restrain someone during a meltdown, as this will only make the situation worse for them. Instead, try to figure out what could be upsetting about the situation and get them to a relaxing place. People having a meltdown may repeatedly hit their head on something or do some other self harming behavior in an attempt to communicate the stress and alleviate it. It’s best to try to get them to do something else like using a stim toy.

Shutdowns are basically the opposite of meltdowns, but happen for the same reason. Someone who is having a shutdown will be unresponsive to most stimuli and attempts at communication. Again, try to get them to a relaxing place. However, do not try to get them out of the shutdown. That will only add stress. Let them come out of it on their own.

Part of autism is having issues with social things. Some of lots of issues, while others have very little. Issues can include a lack of understanding of body language, gestures, and facial expressions, issues with understanding and expressing tone, difficulty understanding jokes and sarcasm, complete tone deafness, monotonous speaking voice, lack of understanding a situation. Of course, not everyone has all of these. Make sure to mix it up with your characters. Also, a lot of things will say autistic people don’t have a sense of humor. We do. We like to make jokes, and others might not understand them sadly. We just don’t always understand an allistic sense of humor.

Autism can also have more sensory processing disorders, like a visual or auditory processing disorder. These disorders usually involve the brain having the visual and auditory information, but not sending it to the part that is needed to translate it and make it meaningful. For instance, I have an auditory processing disorder, and I understand English very well, but when it kicks in, it’s like I completely forgot it. Spoken words just suddenly have no meaning. The same can happen to visual stimuli. It’s a coding and translation problem. It is not constant, but it occurs at random times and can last from a few seconds to a few hours. These issues are more likely to occur if an autistic person is stressed and tired. Some autistic people (myself) also have what is called prosopagnosia, or face blindness. Basically, we will not be able to recognize people by their faces, or faces are not processed at all, leaving people with a kind of blurred, featureless look, which can be very scary. (It’s one reason I hate crowds. Too many people, too many faces to process, brain says “fuck it, not gonna bother” and just leaves them all blank.) Funnily enough, I am a portrait artist, but it works because I focus on one part of the face at a time. Cartoon faces are also much easier for most autistic people, even those without face blindness, to read and recognize, as they are much more simple than a real human face.

Not all of these traits are always constant, and not every struggle is visible. Traits become more apparent when an autistic person is upset, stressed, and/or physical or mentally tired. Trying to function in a world full of allistic people takes a lot of work!

Stimming is something autistic people do for sensory satisfaction and emotional output. I flap my hands when I’m very happy or overwhelmed. I rock when I’m bored. Things like that. Not all stimming is good however. Stims can include picking at skin and nails (even to the point of bleeding), punching things, hitting oneself, and banging one’s head on something. To avoid harmful stims like this, it is best to use stim toys. There are all sorts of stim toys of all different textures and makes. There are toys to chew, fidget with, squish, throw, hit, anything that is needed really. There’s a great website that makes stim toys called stimtastic that is run by autistic people. Don’t be fooled by harmful stims though. A lot of stims are harmless and good for us. Don’t stop an autistic person from stimming and definitely don’t harass them for it. Stimming is a normal autistic thing to do.

Most autistic people will have special interests. It’ll be a fixation on something they like. It could be anything from computers to a cartoon. They will most likely know anything there is to know about it, talk about it a lot, and engage with it a lot. Special interests are not to be confused with obsessions and are good for autistic people to have. It’s our way of finding enjoyment and interacting with the world. And no, don’t believe google when it says we have limited interests. Autistic people can have a wide range of interests, but it seems like it’s limited because we focus mostly on the special interest. Special interests lead to info dumping. Info dumping can be annoying to a lot of people, and we treasure people who listen to us. It’s just talking about our special interest pretty much non stop and it feels really good to do.

Okay, that was quite long. I probably missed things because I don’t speak for everyone who is autistic, but this is what I could put together from my own experiences and reading about the experiences of others. Anyone else who is autistic, please feel free to add onto this. And anon, I thank you very much for asking and I’m sorry this took so long to do.

#Anonymous #writing #writing advice #character advice #autism #autistic #actually autistic

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curioushufflepuff · 6 years ago

Text

The Perception of Periods. An Essay.

I have a weird relationship with my period. At least that is what I am being told. Some may say I overshare, others are happy to share their experience with me. Afterall, we must remember that we are all different, have different boundaries and experiences. A few months ago, I published my period survival guide and it was an over-night hit. People seemed to like it, which made me happy because I strangely enjoy talking about (my) menstruation struggles. Since the post was liked by many, I decided to write this brief essay (yes! the one you are currently reading). This is about my experiences and my thoughts. Maybe you can understand me, maybe you can even relate, but if your experience is different: that’s ok. I’d love to hear other voices. Remember: This is my opinion, I did not intend to harm anyone with that.

I always found the perception of periods and menstruating people in our society strange. For a long time, I did not talk about my menstruation. I just did not menstruate. In many environments people were shamed for menstruating. We hide our tampons and pads when going to the bathroom. We are embarrassed to ask for a tampon. We do not mention our periods.

By some people, especially cis men, periods are seen as flaw. They are grossed out by just listening about people taking about their periods. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy bloody descriptions but mentioning that you are on your period and hearing a “ew…gross” is just not acceptable. We should teach all children about menstruation. Nonetheless, (cis) boys are uncomfortable with periods. We use euphemisms like “that time of the month”, “Aunt Flo”, “shark week”, “having the painters in”, “having the Red Sea flowing”, the list goes on and on. I’m pretty sure you know another stupidly funny euphemism. I can only think of sex and death that have a comparable amount of euphemisms. Why do we need them? Because we are that uncomfortable talking about it. There reason for that most of the time is sexism. Not seldom sentences like this are being heard: “She is acting crazy because it’s that time of the month”. Jokes like these do not help the stigma of menstruation. My cycle is not gross, neither not driving me crazy, neither am I less worth of a human just because I’m bleeding.

On the other hand, periods are celebrated by some feminists. There is also a problem with the celebration and glorification of periods. Yes, having a period means you are a healthy person, your body is working. But what about the people struggling with theirs? Endometriosis patient? People who had a Hysterectomy done due to health or personal reasons? There are trans folks struggling with their period or the lack there of because it is causing them tremendous dysphoria. There are girls not able to get theirs because of illnesses and disorders. Many people aren’t able to menstruate or struggle with their menstruation. Therefore, periods or the cycle should not be used as a celebration of womanhood.

In my experience, I struggled with the glorification of menstruation – as bleeding for me meant pain. I saw these online accounts celebrating their cycle, depicturing the cycle as a superpower. Nonetheless, when I thought of my period, I thought of laying in bed, not able to sleep because of the pain, but not able to get out because of the cramps. It meant missing days at school and university because I was not able to get out of bed. Being dependent on pain killers and heating pads. Seining different doctors: but my pain was not taken seriously. I, myself, sometimes struggle with talking about my pain because I was told so many times, that “many women experience period pain”, that it would “get better once I had children”, that I should “take ibuprofen” or “go on the pill”. When asked about chronical pain, I never thought of my uterus because it was “just cramps”. There are several diseases that cause complications menstruating. Most of these diseases are very common but never heard of by the public.

The menstruation is not a symbol of femininity or womanhood. If we seen periods are a sign for women, we are excluding many. Not only sick women and older women, but also trans girls and women.

The picture of menstruation in society is often distorted. Either menstruating people are shamed for bleeding, or they are glorified. Neither behavior is healthy. When discussing menstruation, we have to make sure to base our arguments on facts and not on internalized sexism, transphobia, ageism, or other forms of discrimination.

#mine #I am a bad writer but i have to SHARE!#menstruation #period

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derpyslurpy-da-derp-master · 5 years ago

Note

All the personal asks plz

Alrighty then!

1. Any scars?

Mhm, pretty much all the scars I have are burns. One is from burning the side of my arm on an iron my mom had standing upright that I brushed against trying to reach something on the counter behind it and I’ve got one or two other scars from my culinary class on my hands from trying to put a tray in the oven and bumping it on the rungs above the ones I was putting it on. I burnt my hand day one of actually cooking. Yes I’m a disaster.

2. Self harmed?

Absolutely not. One, I’m too scared of pain, and two, I have uh… An unpleasant history involving someone else threatening self harm to make me do what they wanted, so… It’s a really sore spot for me.

3. Crush?

I honestly have no idea.

4. Kissed anyone?

Nope

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Neither they make me physically ill

6. Someone you hate?

There’s a LOT of assholes at my school but the person I hate the most is probably my dad for reasons.

7. Best Friends?

Mhm! I’ve got a handful on this site but my IRL best friend is @theansweris-a. She doesn’t really get on tumblr anymore but if you’re reading this I love you friendo and have a good day! :D

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?

hahaha fuCK NO. I’d rather not get addicted to something that can and will kill me and throw my money at people to sustain it. If someone offered me either I’d probably flip them off whilst slowly backing up and getting tf out of there because NO.

9. What’s your dream job?

Author/Illustrator with some VA work and Video Game directing on the side.

10. Ever been in love?

I have. It was with someone I didn’t have a chance with and who would be an absolutely awful lover to me since we weren’t compatible emotion-wise so I let it go. It was hard, but I did it.

11. Last time you cried?

Last Sunday trying to explain to my mom why our preacher and the church we go to has completely fallen out of my favor for it’s very loud blatant ‘LGBT people are bad abortion is evil insert other white conservative stuff here’ ‘cause she doesn’t know I’m LGBT+ (and it’s going to stay that way) and I was trying to explain to her why I would never say invite my LGBT friends to church because they would be mercilessly persecuted by people who call themselves followers of God then spit in his eye by doing the exact opposite of everything he’s asked of them. Yes I still feel really strongly about this.

12. Favorite color?

Cyan!

13. Height?

How coincidence, I just got it measured today! 5′6, FINALLY OFFICIALLY TALLER THEN MY MOM MUHAHAHAHAHA

14. Birthday?

November 17th!

15. Eye color?

Milk chocolately-brown

16. Hair color?

Dark brown

17. What do you love?

this is so open ended hjkfjfjkhgkjh okay then I love girls, video games, anime, writing, drawing, reading, and animals.

18. Obsession?

My top 3 in order of obsession; Kill La Kill, RWBY, and Kingdom Hearts.

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

For every single illness, disease, syndrome, disorder, and so on to have a cure. From Cancer to Asthma. Both because I have so many incurable diseases/disorders and because I know there are people out there who have things so much worse than me in that department.

20. Do you love someone?

I love all my mutals, friends, and most of my family including extended family.

21. Kiss or hug?

I’ve never been kissed so I don’t know anything about how that would be so I’d say hug because I love hugs!

22. Nicknames people call you?

Derpy, Slurpy, D-Slur, Resident Cinnamon Roll (That’s my actual nickname on a Revue Starlight discord)

23. Favorite song?

this is like asking me to pick my favorite child uhhhhh… This Life Is Mine by Jeff Williams, it just means a lot to me.

24. Favorite band?

i know no bands by name

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

….Okay, uh, this is gonna be really hard to decide because a LOT of bad things have happened to me. I’ll go with the more physical choice because I’d rather not dump too much of my emotional baggage onto yall. One time I was being prepped for surgery and they needed to get the IV in. (for the record I’m shaking pretty badly right now from thinking about this) They had to stab my arm with what they called a ‘Bee sting’ (it wasn’t a bee sting it goes almost down to the bone) that had numbing stuff in it and they were trying to find a vein they could put my IV in but they couldn’t find one (okay now i’m typing really fast so I don’t have to think about this for long) and they kept stabbing my arm over and over again. The thing is I have a serious phobia of needles that sends me into panic attacks, I’ll go lightheaded I’ll lose my hearing and so on. So I was trying to put a brave face on despite my parents not even being there but they would. not. stop. They didn’t give me a break. It was one stab then another then another then another. I was having a full blown panic attack, I was almost crying. Then they seemed to get it. They left me for a bit and my parents came in. My arm started swelling. They HADNT got it. My arm was being filled with whatever my IV was. They came back in with the beesting. They started stabbing me again but on the other arm. I couldn’t keep a brave face anymore after thinking they were finally done. I started to cry and sob and the panic attack I had that day was the single worst I have ever had. It got worse. They missed a vein entirely and instead hit a bundle of nerves. My hand started involuntarily twitching as pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before or until now wracked my arm. I had actual trauma from this, the night after the surgery I kept feeling ghost pains of the stabs in my arms, I had to sleep on my stomach with my arms wrapped around my front just to make them go away. I’m still extremely traumatized of this to this day. I never want to have surgery again. I never want an IV again.

Okay that got away from me there I’m sorry I kinda was having a panic attack while writing that. Anyways moving on.

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?

This is gonna sound cheesy but meeting @theansweris-a. She’s the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met in my entire life and I feel so incredibly lucky to call her my friend, though knowing her she’ll see this and reply with ‘No U’ because we always end up in a shouting match of ‘YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’ ‘NO YOU’RE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’

27. Something you would change about yourself?

I definitely would lose weight. Not because of societies bullshit but because I legitimately want to lose weight so I can actually get strong and build up some muscle, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO OPEN GATORADE BOTTLES GODDAMNIT

28. Ever dated someone?

Nope, I’m closeted and have no interest in even pretending I’m straight by dating a guy, I mean I know some genuinely nice guys (all of them dorks) but they’re all just my friends though they are massive goofballs and I love them very much. (Entirely platonically)

29. Worst mistake?

I… Don’t think you guys wanna know that. It’s nothing bad its just depressing and I don’t wanna be more depressing then I already have been.

30. Watch the movie or read the book?

Depends on which is better, like I’d rather watch the Chronicles of Narnia than read the books because the books are honestly terrible but I’d rather read Percy Jackson than watch the movie because the movies are incredibly unfaithful to the books.

31. Ever had a heartbreak?

Yeah…

32. Favorite show?

Kill La Kill!

33. Best day of your life?

My cheesiness never ceases but the first time I actually hung out with @theansweris-a IRL at the mall. I remember being SO excited for it but also nervous that how easily we talk to each other wouldn’t translate into real life and I remember spotting her walking up and practically shouting her name before running up and giving her a big ol’ hug whilst crying happy tears (I know i’m sappy shut up) and then when we were let loose to walk around we quickly discovered that we clicked almost immediately and incredibly well it was just the best thing ever. Like, in that one day alone we spent six hours in that mall just chatting and buying stuff and having fun and we left the mall with like three different inside jokes despite it being our first time meeting in person since we first met. Hi my name is Derpy and I’m a big ol’ sap.

34. Any talents?

I’m pretty good at writing, I can type really fast, and I can play the harmonica.

35. Do you wish you could ever start over?

Absolutely not. Things are the way they are for a reason, and even though I’ve been through a LOT it’s because of all that that I’m the person I am today and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

36. Any bad habits?

Yeah, I’m a nail biter.

37. Ever had a near death experience?

Yes actually, when I was 3 or 4 we took a plane to California to visit some relatives and I almost walked out of the air hatch one the way out, I remember this vividly even though it was a long time ago. If it wasn’t for the flight attendant grabbing me before I fell out, I wouldn’t be here today.

38. Someone I can tell anything to?

@theansweris-a and @my-words-are-light, they’re both really good listeners and have helped me through a lot of stuff.

39. Ever lost a loved one?

My Great Grandpa Ritch died shortly after I was born, there’s a lot of pictures of him smiling and holding me while in a hospital bed and hooked up to oxygen.

40. Do you believe in love?

Oh absolutely, 100%. I mean if you know me you already know that I have just ABSURD amounts of love in my heart and I genuinely believe that it exists.

41. Someone you hate/Dislike?

Wasn’t this already a question?

42. Are you okay?

Mostly, yeah. I have some stuff to work on but I’m honestly at the best i’ve ever been!

43. Relationship status?

I’m a Single Pringle

#Ask #Original

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