#also i think seeing eddie desperately work on buck again and do everything he can think of to save buck would save me

[tommygotwrittenoff]

anyway i hope buck gets shot

[matan4il]

Buddie 613 meta

We now know that the man who risked himself to get Buck out of the line of fire during the shooting arc is Jeshan, which means ‘clear’ (if you’re interested, you can find more name meanings for 911 characters here). So let me just giggle for a second about the fact that 911 had once again reunited Buddie with a character who can be referred to as Captain Clear Me(h)ta. Coincidence? IDK. But I have to admit, it kinda made me reflect back and feel nostalgic. When I first started watching the show, I had no intention of writing meta for 911, but after going ballistic when 309 aired, I knew I would HAVE to use the s3 hiatus to write down all my thoughts about everything Buddie related so far. That’s what I did, I wrote and shared my baby, my first round of Buddie meta. That’s where it was supposed to end, but then people asked and encouraged me to write meta for the eps in 3b as they would air, too. I figured I could try, and that’s how my Buddie weekly meta posts were born. At the time, there was no one else writing proper weekly meta (I don’t mean a summary/review of the ep, or meta posts that stand on their own, but proper analysis on Buck, Eddie and those who matter to them, organized and serialized for each ep as it aired). And now, I’ve been writing them for almost 3.5 seasons. And I feel like they’ve inspired others to do the same. TBH, I can’t actually remember seeing weekly meta posts in other fandoms (maybe they exist and I just haven’t come across them, IDK). So I got all emotional, thinking about how these posts may be love notes to Buddie and the show, but most of all they’re a love letter to the wonderful people who have been supportive and encouraging, who’ve been reblogging the posts, who’ve been commenting on them and telling me that what I do makes a difference for them. Thank you so much, these posts wouldn’t exist without you. You have a much bigger impact on the fandom than you might have realized! So if Captain Mehta is indeed a nod to the meta, it’s a loving, appreciative nod that belongs to all of you. ~~

When Chim shows up to escort Hen to work, he ends up sitting down for a talk with Denny instead, and I really enjoyed this scene, it was lovely, but it also once again emphasized the difference between the firefam kids’ relationship with their parents’ colleagues and the r/s Buck and Chris have. Chim talks to Hen’s son when he happens to come across the kid, but he only sits down for a proper conversation because Denny implies Hen and Karen are up to something intimate, and Chim shouldn’t interrupt them just yet. Consider how different that is to how Buck intentionally looks to spend time with and dedicated to Chris! And then Chim is impressed by how smart Denny is. It’s cute, but it also reveals just how little they interact that this comes as a surprise to Chim. It’s so different to the intimate familiarity of a parent, which is what we know Buck has with Chris (and that Chris has with Buck, which can even be seen in the kid’s teasing, for example regarding the snoring in 414). ~~

You might have seen that, when the promo came out, I momentarily lost my sanity and posted this. I just couldn’t get over the fact that they actually had Eddie correct the chief on the duration of Buck’s death. It was such a spouse thing to do. It was a declaration about the anguish that each single second represented, when Eddie couldn’t breathe because Buck wasn’t. It was a confession of sorts, on how Eddie felt as he desperately NEEDED his husband to live (I’m not even joking when I ascribe him this title, Eddie said with his whole chest, “THAT IS MY IDIOT HUSBAND THAT I HAD TO WATCH DIE FOR THREE MINUTES AND SEVENTEEN SECONDS AND I WILL NEVER FORGET ANY OF THOSE SECONDS, NOR LET ANYONE ELSE DO THAT”). It was a glimpse into how time must have moved differently for him as each second etched itself forever into Eddie’s mind. And yes, it’s a clear parallel to 413, when we witness time slowing down for Eddie. And I mentioned in my post that in both scenarios, Buck is just out of his reach, so close, but simply not close enough. In one case, this forced Eddie to believe he must now accept his own death. In the other, he couldn’t accept the possibility that Buck would die, so he just fought harder, and if he couldn’t save Buck with one course of action, he tried another, Eddie just had to keep going, 'coz the idea of those three minutes and seventeen seconds turning into an eternity? Unacceptable. ~~

But notice in my unhinged post from that day, I used the word ‘counting.’ Eddie counted the seconds, and this is revealed to us at a poker game where Buck is counting the cards. I already noticed that when we saw the promo, but this connection was reinforced in the ep itself when Chief Williams vocalized what Buck was doing. The thing about counting is that it’s reserved for what matters, what’s crucial. Buck is counting the cards in order to win, and he wants to win because it matters to Eddie. Buck wasn’t the one who initiated the search for a poker game where he could use his newfound skills, Eddie was the one to take that initiative. And he could bring Buck along without telling him where they’re going (I would normally scream for a whole separate paragraph just about Eddie telling Buck to dress nice and there being no need for any further explanation or prompting, but we were so well fed, I’ll have to scream about it into my fist for just one sentence) 'coz Eddie was so sure his husband would go along with whatever crazy scheme he’d come up with. And he was right, even though Buck didn’t think it would end well, he still went along with what his husband wanted. Please let me reiterate: Buck’s counting cards because Eddie is so important to him, and Eddie was counting the seconds because Buck’s his vital sign. ~~

Another thing to keep in mind about the poker game is that the only other time we’ve seen Buck playing poker was in 312. In that ep, Eddie was off to meet Christopher’s school teachers (leading to his eventual lackluster r/s with Ana), so having a free evening, Buck spends it with Maddie, Chim and Josh (and is told he unequivocally sucks at Poker). Jokes were made about setting Josh and Buck up, and it was implied whatever Buck’s sexuality was, that was not the reason why Maddie abstained from making the match. What I find interesting is seeing how far our boys have come! In that ep, they were operating separately, and it led them down the wrong paths.

In this ep, Buck and Eddie were inseparable both as a couple (even sharing the winnings from Buck’s new talent, because what don’t these two share? And I was particularly chewing glass when Chief Williams asks Buck how he wanted HIS winnings, but instead of answering her, he looks at his husband. THEY ARE SO FREAKING MARRIED), and as a family unit with Chris (which is maybe a good moment to point out that all of the romantic couples were paired off in 613, and so were Buddie! Now, one could argue that Buck and Eddie were paired off because, well... who else is left for them to hang out with? But 312 is a reminder that when the show wants to, it can push the main cast and minor characters into the same orbit, so it still didn’t HAVE to pair Buck and Eddie off here. It chose to. On top of that, by showing them with Chris as well, 911 reminded us they’re far more bonded than just two best bros hanging out together ‘coz none of their other friends are single). In short, during 312, Buck lost and Eddie was about to be lost on a detour in his romantic journey. In 613, they ARE a family, they work as one throughout the ep, not just in parts of it, and they’re both winning. ~~

Something that gets to me is that when I first shared the BTS pic of Buddie at the poker game, it was clear that Eddie was just bursting with self confidence. He looked like he would be the star of that game. But when we got the promo, we discovered that it was actually going to be Buck who would shine that night. So what makes me slightly froth at the mouth is that all of that sexy confidence we picked up on in the photo? It was real. We weren’t wrong. It just wasn’t confidence that Eddie had in himself, it’s confidence he has in Buck. All of his swagger? Is a reflection of how much he believes and enjoys seeing his husband be a star. I am gonna need 3-6 working weeks at least to recover from knowing this. ~~

Speaking of things that destroyed me forever, everything about the Buckley-Diaz family in this ep falls into that category. I mean, not only did we once again have incredibly domestic scenes, we had one that was very reminiscent of the lasagna one in 601 (Eddie with Chris at the table, Buck fussing around them only to join in once he brings along something to be consumed), reinforcing that this is THEIR NORM, we also had Eddie and Chris being so cute and supportive when it comes to Buck’s new ability (Chris calls him a superhero, Eddie goes along with it, and when Buck’s upset he didn’t get a better superpower, naming some he would have liked to have, Eddie comforts him by saying those other options sound horrible). 

And then to top it all off, we had Buck and Chris cooking together. Bobby’s been explicitly acknowledged as basically being Buck’s dad by both of them, and we know Bobby’s been teaching Buck how to cook. Now we get Buck doing the same with Chris, clearly marking them as father and son, especially since this is done with just the two of them, this special time that’s allocated just to their bond together. Eddie is not needed as a middleman. I know that this isn’t news, but every single time the show reinforces this truth, that Buck is Christopher’s other dad, that their bond is that deep, I gain 10 years, so I have to mention it. ~~

For 613, I made my weekly gifset about Buck and answers, but I’d actually like to elaborate on what you see there. In 602, at the happiness center call, we see Buck looking to Lev in search for his own answers on what his happiness looks like. When he still can’t find any, he turns to Hen, because she always has them. Along this season, that’s been his theme. He’s trying to figure out what he wants in order to be happy, which is connected to the couch theme we’ve all been screaming about since 601 (and especially after he fell asleep on Eddie’s in 612). In 613, Buck suddenly finds that he’s the guy with the answers and he likes it. But has he really got them? Buck says these words to Eddie and Chris, and in addition to that, while he utters them, he’s literally captured in the same frame together with Eddie. But it’s also essential that we heard why Chris can’t just be given the answers. It’s in order to learn, Eddie tells him. That’s exactly what Buck has to do, he has to find his answers in order to learn from the search process. He’s not just there yet, but the framing of the whole scene coupled with the ongoing couch theme is very loud. ~~

What gets me maybe most of all in a whole ep of REALLY GOOD BUDDIE CONTENT, is the way the whole thing wraps up. The storyline on Buck’s new abilities doesn’t end with any commentary on those or on his recovery process. His last scene in this ep is the one with Chris. It follows directly the one with Hen and Karen, a scene which reminds us that we’re never surprised at either woman spending solo time with and caring about Denny, even though neither is biologically related to him, because they ARE BOTH his parents. In the same way, it’s only natural that we see Buck spending alone time with Chris, without Eddie around. It is so meaningful that the last shot of Buck in this ep is not about his story line at all, and neither his abilities, nor having died for several minutes is the point. Instead, the last, and therefore most significant shot of Buck in this very Buddie domestic ep, is him smiling at their son. I feel like that says everything about his trajectory.

~~ (my weekly meta posts) (my Buddie gifs) (all of my content)

~~ My tag list will follow in the reblog, please let me know  if you wanna be added/removed here.

~~ Thank you so much for reading and for any reblog, like, comment or supportive tag! Also, HUGE thank you to @whosoldherout​. On top of real life stuff, she makes her own amazing gifs AND helps make these posts so much better. She’s the one with the real superpowers!

[fanficsbysteve]

The Best for the Both of Them

This will be my first foray into writing fanfiction in a long long time so please be kind. Constructive Criticism is always welcome. Hate Mail is not. I also haven't used Tumblr in awhile so if anyone has any suggestions on how I can make my posts better or easier for you all to read, please let me know.

Rated: PG? WC: 4863

___________________________________________________________

 “I’ll see you around Buck”, Tommy stood for a second before he walked to the door and out of Evan’s loft. His mind was reeling from what he just did. Evan had been the best thing to ever happen to him, and he had just ended it. Did he do the right thing? He kept walking eventually coming to his truck. He got in and looked up at the windows to Evan’s loft. He saw his now ex-boyfriend standing there looking out at him.

                “This is the best thing for both of us,” he told himself as he started the truck up and drove off towards his house, “It was never meant to last anyways. I’m his first not his last” he just kept telling himself that as a means of justifying it to himself. He felt tears start to well up in his eyes as he drove towards his house. He didn’t want to do that. Evan was the sweetest and most caring person he had ever known. But he couldn’t handle the heartbreak if he decided that Tommy wasn’t enough for him. Yes that was an incredibly Biphobic mentality to have, and he knew it, but your brain is never logical when it comes to your emotions and your potential for heartbreak.

                He pulled into his driveway and turned off his truck. Sitting in his truck he let the tears start to roll down his cheeks. Sobs racked his body as he just let out all the sadness that he was feeling over what he had done. He desperately wanted to take out his phone and call Evan and say he was sorry. Say he didn’t mean it. Beg him for forgiveness. But he knew he couldn’t do that. No this was how it had to be.

                After about 10 minutes of the ugliest crying, he had ever done in his life, he composed himself, got out of his truck and head inside his house. It was going to be a long night, and he knew it. This was the best for the both of them.

***

                Tommy took a couple days off work so he could just get all his crying out. His work best friend, Jessica, had come by a couple times during that time to check in on him and see how he was doing. She reported to him that he always looked like shit and that he needed to pull himself together. She really didn’t get it though did she. She had been with her husband for as long as he knew her.

                After the third day, Tommy again pulled himself together and compartmentalize all his emotions like he had grown accustomed to all those many years ago. Looking around his house he found so many things that reminded him of Evan. Some of his clothes that he had left behind after a night over, a toothbrush, some different knickknacks that he bought for Tommy to keep in his apartment to remind him. Sighing, Tommy picked up a box and started to place all of Evan’s items into it. He kept the pictures. And a hoodie. He may have broken up with Evan, but he didn’t want to forget about him completely. He was a big part of his life for the past 6 months. Everything else went into this box.

                He spent the better part of a day trying to decide the best way to get these items back to Evan. He didn’t feel ready to see Evan again so going to the loft to drop them off was probably not in the cards. Maybe Eddie or Chim could get them to him. Though not sure if that was going to be easy either. They were both closer to Evan than they were to him. Wouldn’t hurt to try anyways.

                Tommy took out his phone and shot a quick text message off to Eddie. He didn’t expect anything back right away, but little did he know, “You fucked up bud” was all he got back at first.

“Don’t you think I thought this through,” he responded back.

“Doesn’t mean you didn’t fuck up” Eddie wrote back.

“I have a bunch of Evan’s stuff that he left at my place that needs to get back to him,” Tommy wrote quickly, “And I don’t think either of us wants to see each other right now.”

“I spent the past 3 days with a very drunk Evan pining over you hard,” Eddie replied, “You have no idea how badly this is affecting him.”

“He doesn’t know how this is affecting me either,” Tommy sent back, “Can I leave his stuff with you, and you give it to him?”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Eddie wrote back, “But I think the two of you need to talk this out. Sometime before my liver gives out.”

                Tommy sighed and took the box to his Truck, meaning to head towards Eddie’s house. At least Eddie was still talking to him, which was a good sign. He hadn’t fucked things up with the entire 118 at least. He drove about an hour to get to Eddie’s house. Seeing Evan’s Jeep parked out front, Tommy drove right past the front of Eddie’s house and parked a ways up the street so that he wouldn’t be noticed. God, he needed to mature up, but he really didn’t want to see Evan right now. He had just gotten himself to stop crying and he knew that if he saw him it would start the tears up again.

                Tommy slowly walked up towards Eddie’s house, navigating like some weird stalker up the sidewalk and deposited the box outside the door to Eddie’s house. He snapped a quick picture of the box and Eddie’s door and hurried down the walkway, sending a picture of the box to Eddie with a quick message of “I can’t see him yet. The box is outside your door.”

                Tommy drove back to his place, hyperventilating a little bit over what could have happened. He needed to stay strong. This was the best for the both of them.

***

                It had been a month since he ended things with Evan. Work kept him busy so that was beneficial for him. He could throw himself into work and forget everything. He did tend to avoid using the mouth static because it reminded him of Evan. His captain was probably very appreciative of that.

                Tommy had taken to using Tinder to see if he could get someone to date again. He did miss the companionship that Evan gave. Someone to hold at night. Problem was that he was trying to pick a fish from the sea that was Gay LA. The amount of people that just wanted to have sex with him far outweighed the people looking for a nice date.

                He did find the rare gentlemen not looking for a quick fuck which was nice. Tommy wasn’t ready to dip his toes back into THAT market just yet. Besides if he wanted that he would have been on Grindr, not Tinder. Men were just horndogs no matter where they were.

                Tommy swiped right on a handsome man that he saw and got the “Match” signal, so he started messaging this person. He was 5’6, fit, brown hair, blue eyes, worked as a nurse at one of the local hospitals. Tommy decided to go on a date with this guy. Have a nice dinner and a movie. That was his typical first date. Had it been that before Evan and will continue to be that after. He just needed to figure out a restaurant.

                The night of the date came, and Tommy met this new guy at the restaurant. His name was Bryant, and he was closer to Tommy’s age than Evan had been. He wouldn’t admit it in person, but he felt a little bad when he and Evan were together since there was such a large age gap.

                Bryant had chosen a nice Vietnamese restaurant to meet up at, and Tommy would be picking the movie. They ordered their dishes after sitting and waited. Tommy looked around the room a bit, taking in his surroundings. It was a nice place, he thought, and then a thought he didn’t want to have came up ‘Evan would really like this. He likes to try all kinds of new food.’

                He had to stop himself. He was drifting off into thinking of Evan and that wouldn’t have ended well. Bryant was talking and Tommy hadn’t heard a thing he said in his revelry. God he was the worst person to go on a date with right now. His thoughts constantly running back to Evan like some kind of sick masochist. No, he wouldn’t let that man keep such a vice grip on his heart. This was the best of the both of them.

***

                It had been 6 months since he had broken up with Evan. He had managed to match with about 10 very nice gentlemen in that time, and failed to go on a second date with about 6 of them. Why was he so bad at this? It was never this bad with Evan. Not even remotely. They always got along and always had things to talk about.

                Sitting down at the coffee shop, a handsome Latin man sitting across from him, Tommy sipped at his drink while half listening to the man talking about his life. He was interested, really he was. He just couldn’t make his mind focus. It kept going back to thoughts of Evan.

                The bell above the door rang as someone came in again. They were sitting near to the door, so Tommy had a bird’s eye view of the people walking in. And what he saw made his heart clench in his chest. Walking in through that doorway was Evan. He was there with a very beautiful blonde woman. God, he looked amazing still. Hopefully he didn’t see Tommy.

                Quickly looking away, Tommy hoped against all hope that Evan didn’t notice him. He didn’t want to create a scene or end things badly on this date. His date seemed to notice as he asked what was going on?

                “Ex-boyfriend just walked in,” Tommy replied. His breathing had slightly deepened after Evan walked into the shop, so he suggested that they take their drinks and go for a walk.

                He couldn’t be in the same room with Evan. It was too hard to see him. He did look happy though. Walking out of the coffee shop, his date heading out before him, he glanced back hoping, while also not hoping, to catch a glimpse of Evan again. Looking right at him, his blue eyes trying to hide a sadness that he could match was Evan. God how he missed that man. He turned back around and left the coffee shop, not wanting to feel the pain that his heart was currently feeling. This was the best for the both of them.

***

                It had been three days since Tommy saw Evan at the coffee shop. Things had fizzled out again with the latest in a long line of dates he had gone on. Honestly, it was getting a little depressing for him. But he kept on trying. Maybe one day someone will click with him.

                His phone buzzed and he absently picked it up without looking to see who the message was from and opened it. His heart skipped a beat when he looked at it. It was from Evan and just said one word “Hey”.

                Tommy was freaking out a bit. He hadn’t expected this to happen. He had taken a break and wanted Evan to experience his life now. He would have done the same had he been the first for a gay man. It wasn’t fair to tie someone down into a relationship if they hadn’t fully experienced life to its fullest.

                “Hey,” Tommy replied back, “Saw you at the coffee shop a few days ago. You look good”

                Tommy stared at the screen at the Typing bubble showed up on his phone. It was agonizing waiting to hear back. One minute. Two minutes. Was he writing the next great American novel over there?

                “It was nice to see you as well,” was the reply. Eight words? It took him that long to write eight words? The typing bubble showed up again, “Can we meet up? I have some things I need to talk to you about.”

                Tommy stared at his phone. Could he do this? It had been 6 months. Surely things had settled between them enough that they could have a cordial meet up right? “I could do that. Do you know a place?”

                “Let’s get pizza for old times sake,” Evan replied. Tommy felt his heart beat a little harder in his chest, “You know the place. Did you want me to pick you up or meet you there?”

                Tommy stared at the phone. While he would have loved to go there together, he knew that he couldn’t. Not easily anyways. 6 months they had been apart but every thought in his mind was about Evan. He had never had a relationship with anyone, quite like the one he had with Evan. There was something about it, “I can meet you there. 8 pm? Know a day?”

                “Can we meet tonight?” Tommy’s heart fluttered in his chest. Did he dare accept?

                While his brain was overthinking every situation that could come of this, his heart took control of his hands and he typed back, “That can work. I’ll see you there.”

                “See you there,” was the reply. Tommy put his phone down and let out a breath that he didn’t realize he had been holding. This could go so many ways. Picking up his phone again and looking at the time, Tommy had about 3 hours to get ready. The Pizza place that Buck wanted to go to wasn’t too far from where Tommy lived. Maybe a 30 minute drive. It gave him time to look his best. They may be broken up, but Tommy definitely didn’t want Evan to see him look a mess.

                He went about getting ready and he felt his heart fill with joy a little bit. He also started to have second thoughts on the breakup. Was this the best for the both of them?

***

                Tommy walked up to the entrance to the restaurant at just before 8 pm. He was trying not to hyperventilate about what was about to happen. He stopped at the door and stood for a second, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down before he walked in.

                He could see Evan sitting at a table off to the right of the entrance. Tommy had a little bit of a chuckle. His brain was not thinking in perfect thoughts right now, but he just loved the idea of him picking a table slightly to the right of centre when the last happy conversation they had was about the Kinsey Scale and how Tommy was a solid 6.

                He walked over and sat in the chair across from Evan, “Hey” he said. It was his general greeting for everyone.

                “Hey,” Evan looked up to him, a light of what looked like happiness hiding in his eyes, “Thank you for coming”

                “I didn’t have anything planned for tonight,” Tommy smiled but his eyes just kept taking in this man sitting in front of him. God he was beautiful, “Your text caught me by surprise though. Can’t say I was expecting it, but it was a nice surprise.”

                “Yeah, well when I saw you at the coffee shop, I knew I had to reach out,” Evan smiled and looked down at his hands, “It just took me 3 days to send that first message. I kept psyching myself out and telling myself not to and that you hated me and that you didn’t want to hear from me”

                “I could never hate you Ev…Buck,” Tommy quickly changed the name he called him. He had been thinking of his as Evan for so long that he had forgotten that friends call him Buck, “I was the one who broke it off with you. If anything, you should be hating me.”

                Tommy saw Evan deflate a bit when he changed the name he called him. But what was he supposed to do? They were broken up. And as much as Tommy wished it, they weren’t going to get back together. Tommy had messed that up already with what he said when they broke up. The best he could hope for is salvage and become friends and just watch from the outside and be supportive while Evan found someone new.

                “I could never hate you either Tommy,” He whispered. He was still looking down. Tommy reached across the table and gently put a couple fingers underneath Evans chin and lifted his head so they could look each other in the eye. Tommy was a little shocked to see the barest hint of what could only be tears in Evans eyes.

                Tommy coughed quickly, “Anyways should we order something? I want to hear all about your life since the last time we saw each other.”

                Tommy picked up his menu and used it to hide his face a bit. The tears and look of sadness on Evan’s face was going to get to him if he didn’t compose himself. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

                They eventually ordered a pizza to share and some drinks, “So the woman I saw you at the coffee shop was very pretty. Did things go well?”

                Evan was a little taken aback by that statement, “You think she’s pretty? I thought you were a 6 on the Kinsey Scale?”

                “Just because I can notice when someone is attractive doesn’t mean that I want to immediately have sex with them,” Tommy chuckled. That broke the downer mood that had been soaking the two of them since the moment he sat down. Evan chuckled as well, “Society has its standards of beauty in men, women, and anyone in between. These are drilled into us from an early age. You ask a straight man who the most attractive man to them is, and I can almost guarantee you that they will give you one of the Chrises or one of the Ryan’s”

                Evan smiled at that, “Chrises and Ryan’s?” This man was clueless sometimes. Tommy smiled at him. This man could find a substack about some 200 year old cowboy but he knew nothing about the Kinsey Scale or the Chrises and Ryans.

                “Well first you have the easy ones, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt. They have all been in Marvel movies, so everyone knows about them. Then you toss in Chris Pine, and you have the Chrises. Chris Pine is the odd one out as he hasn’t been in Marvel, and he has what some people call an Odd Attractiveness. The other Chrises are conventionally attractive,” Tommy took a sip of his drink before he continued, “Then you have the Ryan’s. Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling. Both very attractive men in their own rights and both very famous for various different reasons.”

                “I never thought of it that way,” Evan replied, “I always thought that just because you were straight or gay you didn’t really notice the other gender.”

                “Well, you have much to learn my Baby Bi,” Tommy chuckled, “You didn’t answer my question though. How did things go with the blonde at the coffee shop? Don’t think you can change the subject by claiming your naivety in things around the LGBT+ world.”

                Evan smiled and it melted Tommy’s heart, it was good to see him like this, “It went OK. We aren’t planning anything else though. Seeing you at the shop put me in a bit of a mood.”

                “I’m sorry about that,” Tommy replied, “She looked like she was your type. Well, I think. I don’t really know your type when it comes to women.”

                “I don’t really have a type when it comes to anyone really,” Evan explained, “I just find certain people attractive and decide then and there if I want to date them. She was pretty but not what I was looking for I guess.”

                “Well, that sucks,” Tommy replied, “I haven’t had much luck either. Nothing clicks I guess.”

                “Its hard to find something like what we had,” Evan replied. He sounded sad again. Tommy didn’t know how to make him happy again right now, so he just took a bite of his pizza on his plate.

                They ate in silence, Tommy sneaking glances at Evan, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He thinks he got caught at least once and quickly started looking off into the restaurant, trying to hide what he was doing. This was truly one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen. He was a fool for letting this go.

                After they finished their pizza, it was time for dessert. Evan ordered a tiramisu, and Tommy ordered his usual Spumoni. What could he say, it was his favorite. And when you know you like something, you always go back to it.

                While Tommy was thinking to himself, he caught sight of a spoon reaching across the table and taking a piece out of his dessert, “Hey!”

                Evan smiled as he placed the frozen dessert into his mouth. Tommy smiled a little. Picking up his spoon, Tommy reached across and took a scoop of Evans dessert. He got an indignant little squeak from Evan over that as he raised it to his mouth, “All’s fair in love and war Evan.”

                Tommy watched as Evan’s smile grew wider as he heard his name spoken out loud. Tommy didn’t realize that it was going to happen. He smiled a bit before taking the bite of Buck’s dessert.

                They back and forth stole each other’s desserts until there was nothing left on the plate, and they were giggling like two school boys who had seen something naughty, “I miss this,” Evan said with a sigh, “I miss you.”

                Tommy stopped giggling and looked directly at Evan. Had he heard what he thought he heard?

                “I miss seeing you come home after work, covered in soot. I miss standing in the kitchen cooking us dinner, you coming up behind me just to hold me. I miss waking up in your arms,” Evan continued, “I miss us.”

                “Evan,” Tommy tried to get him to stop. This was hurting him too much, but Evan lifted up a hand.

                “Let me finish,” Evan continued to talk, “We came here to talk about life so let me finish and then you can have your say,” He put his hand down and took a breath, “Over the past 6 months I admit that I did try dating new people. Men, women, I think I went out with a non-binary person once as well. And each and every one of those ended the same. Me alone in my loft. They always ended up the same because of one thing. They weren’t you. None of them were you. It took me a while to fully understand what happened between us.

                Tommy stared at Evan as he spoke. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes and he tried to stop them, but they just started to fall down his cheeks. He hadn’t wanted this. He just wanted to talk to Evan again. To be a part of his life again.

                “I realize now that I wanted the future with the idea I had of you. I wanted the idea I had of you move in with me in my Loft, which lets face it, was a ridiculous thing to say at the time,” Tommy noticed that Evan was essentially talking to his hands as they wrung a napkin in his hands, “And it took me talking to Maddie, Eddie, Josh, and basically everyone in the 118 to realize what I did to you. And to understand why you did what you did. You were scared. You were scared of being hurt and I understand that now. You didn’t want to be hurt so you hurt yourself and me in the process.”

                The tears were steadily going down Tommy’s cheeks at this point. He wasn’t a super emotional person. He worked in a life or death job. He saw people die all the time. He could compartmentalize everything. But right now, he was failing at that.

                “I tried to hate you at the start of it,” Evan still hadn’t looked up. Why wouldn’t he look at Tommy, “I tried really hard. But I couldn’t. You had just broken my heart, and I couldn’t hate you. It wasn’t until a month in when I was visiting Maddie at work, and the wise gay sage that is Josh was there and he gave me some words of wisdom, ‘You jumped ahead too far. You are currently seeing a future with who you think Tommy is. Not who Tommy actually is. And until you figure out which one you want to have a future with, you need to sit back and think about what it is you truly want. Do you want the idea of Tommy that you have? This unattainable statuesque Greek God of a man. Or do you want Tommy, the man who was engaged to a woman for 2 years, who had to survive the military at the height of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Tommy who is scarred beyond what you can see. And when you decide which, it is that you want, well the universe will bring you what you need.’ And then he just made a dramatic exit from the room.”

                Tommy chuckled a little while the tears kept flowing. He kept looking towards Evan, “Now I know that it was you who broke things off with me, in a not very classy fashion by the way,” Evan finally looked up from the napkin he had basically shredded into tiny pieces during his speech, “But I wanted to see if maybe, you wanted to try again? Try being together? It took me awhile to realize that I wanted the Tommy with all the scars that I never got a chance to learn about. The visible and invisible ones. You don’t need to answer right away. I can give you time to think about it. But I know that it is you that I want. You that I need in my life. You that I see a future with.”

                Tommy stood up, his eyes blurry at this point, walked around the table towards Evan, leaned down, placed his hand gently on Evan’s chin, and kissed him with as much love and passion as he could muster. He didn’t want this to stop. He couldn’t let this stop. Of course he wanted Evan back.

                The kiss ended and they were both breathless. The noise of the restaurant hadn’t died down so hopefully nobody was staring at their very obvious display, “Should I take that as a yes?” Evan was breathless and Tommy was as well. He nodded his head vigorously.

                Evan’s smile became the widest that Tommy had ever seen. He didn’t know how to take that. Evan grabbed him and pulled him in close, nuzzling his head into the crook of Tommy’s neck, “We should probably pay the bill and go I guess,” Tommy said eventually, enjoying holding Evan again. It had been too long, and he missed the gentle breathing.

                Tommy reluctantly let Evan go so they could pay their bill and head out, “House or Loft?” Evan asked as they walked out the door.

                “Huh?” Tommy was confused.

                “House or loft? If you think I’m going to spend tonight alone, you have another thing coming. So will we spend the night at the house or loft?” Evan explained.

                Tommy smiled, realizing that this was all his again. This perfect man, with his substacks, his belief in curses and his random spirals into insanity. This was all his again. Walking towards his truck, Tommy smiled and said, “House,” before getting in, “Though we’ll need to stop by your loft to grab some items for you for the morning after.”

                Tommy watched as Evan smiled. That smile always made him melt. Before he had met Evan, he was reserved. He had slowly started to come out of his shell a bit. To be more of the man that Evan had seen he could be. He still had worked to do before he was that person. But with Evan by his side, maybe he could be that person. Maybe the idea of Tommy that Evan had in the past could be the Tommy he gets in the future. Only time would tell at least.

Sitting on the drivers side of his truck, Evan on the passengers side, Tommy shifted his truck into gear and backed out of his parking stall. He felt a hand over top of his on the gear shift and smiled. This. This was what was best for the both of them.

***

And that's the end of that. Thank you all for reading. I wrote this because S8xE06 really irked me so I wanted to fix it somehow. Let me know what you think.

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 11

Chapter 11 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, Helena and Ramon are staying for the week, so now Eddie has to figure out how to co-exist with his parents again without Chris or Buck as buffer or back up. Their pushing of his buttons reminds him that this life he has with Buck is temporary and while Eddie doesn’t panic, he does a little anyway.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (slow burn)

Warnings: ableism, emotionally abusive parents, internalized misogyny, internalized homophobia, insecurity, misogyny, homophobia

~~~

Chapter 11: The Horrible In-Laws Stay

Buck is fleeing his house. He doesn’t like to admit to it and he doesn’t like thinking about it, but it is sadly true.

The Sunday with Helena and Ramon wasn’t any better than the other two days and Buck is regretting asking the weekend off for Chris’s birthday. It’s been a whole weekend of little comments and all of them desperately trying to keep the peace.

The only person who has had a good time is Chris, which is the most important, but it still kind of sucks all around. The fact that it’s going to last until Friday is enough to have him running for the hills.

Sometimes Buck wonders if he doesn’t like Helena and Ramon, because he’s been introduced to them as the concept of the horrible ex-in-laws first. However, after being exposed to them these past few years, he thinks he probably would have come to that conclusion on his own.

With them here, the whole vibe in the house has been thrown off. Eddie has been sleeping on the couch, which isn’t great for him – no matter how much his injuries have healed already – and Buck feels like he’s walking on eggshells, trying to make them forget that he is, in fact, Eddie’s husband and Chris’s other dad, even if it’s only for now and not forever.

He wants to have Eddie’s back, he does. However, it’s so frustrating to watch him snap to attention under his father eyes like a good little soldier. He wants to drag his dumb head off that couch and out of his ass, but he hasn’t found a way to do that yet without everything exploding in his face. So, he can’t deny the reprieve work gives him isn’t nice.

Still, he also can’t deny it follows him into work. Hen has been off a few shifts, but hasn’t mentioned why yet, so he isn’t entirely alone in being weighed down and he finds some solace in the shared misery.

And it’s nice, because the 118 is a family too, one he can run too when it gets rough home, and they pick up on it. Even if they might not know what they’re picking up on. Chimney takes one look at him and whistles: “Oef, bad date?”

“You can say that,” Buck groans as he takes the mug of coffee Bobby offers him and slumps down over the breakfast bar.

“What happened?” Hen asks, both concerned and a little invested. It should be rude that someone is using his troubles for drama, but he can’t help but be fond.

Then he realizes he needs to answer that question. A part of him wants to open up about his in-laws being there, but another part of him doesn’t want to explain the whole thing and hear the opinion of someone else about it. He knows he’s letting himself get in way too deep for something that isn’t going to last, but if no one else knows, no one else can tell him that harsh truth. So he settles on something vague: “The parents came by. They hate me.”

“The parents? Are you fo real?” Hen says.

“That sounds serious,” Chimney adds, raising one of his brows.

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone like that, why didn’t you mention it?” Bobby asks.

“But that’s it,” Buck sighs, moping into his coffee. “I’m not. We’re not even dating.”

“Really, you ran into a hook ups parents?” Chimney inquires, a little too gleeful.

Hen smirks: “At least it wasn’t on the clock. Didn’t you take the weekend off? What, did your marathon sex get interrupted?”

Luckily, Buck doesn’t have to dignify that with a response (not that he would have known what to say beyond ‘I wish’) because the alarm goes off and they all have to rush into their turn out gear, all of them complaining about not getting to eat breakfast instead of focusing on Buck’s problems.

The call is nothing big, but Buck’s mind isn’t all there during it either. He needs something to get him out of his own head. So when they get back and Bobby starts cooking breakfast, Buck slides up next to him, taking over half the chopping work.

“Everything okay?” Bobby asks, annoyingly perceptive as always.

“Just thinking about the weekend,” Buck says, not even knowing he wanted to talk about it until he already is.

“Your interrupted date?”

“I said it wasn’t like that. We’re friends.”

“But you’d like to be more?”

Fuck Bobby for being so perceptive and caring and making Buck feel safe and wanting to open up, it is truly annoying (but also good, so good. Buck has always craved to know what it would be like to have a dad who cares, who wants to know things about him, who sees him). “Yeah. I do.”

Bobby nods thoughtfully for a moment, then asks: “Is there a reason you haven’t made a move on this girl yet, if it isn’t like that? If you don’t mind me saying, with your past, I would have thought you’d say something to her?”

Of course. Her. Buck isn’t out at work and Bobby has no reason to think that sex crazed frat bro Buck is anything other than straight. Though maybe it would be worse if he had rightly guessed bisexual, because that would have been based on a stereotype.

So far the work environment has been very accepting, but despite how nice he is and how safe Buck feels, Bobby is an older Christian and Buck isn’t about to risk it all with the in-laws in town. So, he shrugs: “I’m just trying to deal with her parents first. It’s not the best relationship and I’m trying not to interfere too much, but also have her back, you know? I’m trying to not fuck it up.”

“That is very mature of you, Buck.”

“Yeah, well, I’m trying that too,” Buck laughs humorlessly. He’s been playing at an adult who knows what he’s doing since he was twenty-three and Shannon just left Chris behind. Trying to be mature for so long. Having Helena and Ramon here makes him question if he ever succeeded.

“Hey, come on, kid. Look at me,” Bobby says and despite his mind screaming at him to not do it, Buck does. He doesn’t find any disappointment or judgment like he was expecting, instead Bobby looks sympathetic and understanding.

Buck swallows heavily, suddenly feeling very small in a good way under Bobby’s gaze.

“You’ve come a long way from the punk that walked in here. If you want things, like closeness, intimacy, trust, those things don’t come for free. Any woman you’ll meet has lived a life and she’s gonna come with some baggage. You’re ready for that, if you want that. But it sounds like you’re hoping to pull her out of this trap she’s in with her family. That’s not going to happen. What she needs is for you to step inside with her, keep her company in there. You can do it.”

And it’s clear Bobby doesn’t have the whole story and doesn’t know what’s going on exactly, but it does so much good to hear Bobby has faith in him, that Bobby thinks he can handle something mature, that he is ready for it.

Beyond that, Bobby says he needs to join Eddie in the trap that is his parents, not try to pull him out. That’s good to hear in a different way.

This whole time he’s been frustrated with Eddie wanting him to snap out of the practically conditioned reaction he’s had to his parents. However, that isn’t what Eddie needs him to do.

Eddie has always needed him to be there next to him to be a rock when the tide that is his parents washes over him. He doesn’t need someone to point out he’s being a stupid asshole, he’s aware of that. What he needs is for someone to be in his corner when he can snap out of it. That’s all Buck has to do. That’s all Buck can do.

Knowing that makes it a little easier to let go of the undercurrent of hurt that still clings to him after the nights spend alone in a bed that is only his anyway.

“Thanks, Bobby,” is what he says, instead of revealing any of that.

Bobby seems to sense that this is the end of the conversation and just gives him a paternal nod, before holding out a hand for the vegetables Buck cut. Buck smiles as he hands them over, this week might not be totally terrible.

Meanwhile Eddie is having the worst time. Chris is off at school for the day and Buck is at work, meaning Eddie is stuck with his parents by himself. He’s been studying for the academy, wanting to fly through it, but he doesn’t think it’ll be smart to ditch them for that. They don’t exactly approve of his plans and he doesn’t feel like hashing it out again.

So here he is, awkwardly taking his parents to lunch somewhere that is nice enough so that he doesn’t seem cheap and broke, but no so expensive that it’ll be an actual issue for their budget.

And it is awkward. Awkward and uncomfortable.

Eddie wishes Buck was there, not because he wishes this on Buck, but because Buck knows how to speak up when it’s about Eddie. Buck doesn’t fold like he does under his mom’s eyes, because Buck has never been the man of the house, yet the son of one of the people he was supposed to protect and provide for.

Despite his best efforts, they still end up on the topic of his future job. “You really have your heart set on it, Eddie? You’re sure?” his mom asks with a tone that tells him she isn’t.

“Yes, mom. I’m starting the academy soon and in a few months I’ll be out there fighting fires,” Eddie says, because it’s the only job he can picture having right now. He’s worked so hard for it and it actually sounds fulfilling and like something he wants to do. He’s at least going to defend it.

“I don’t like it,” Helena huffs.

His papi nods, but then concedes: “At least the whole Evan business will be over then.”

“What?” he asks, confused as to what on earth they could be talking about.

“Your marriage,” Helena says slowly, as if she thinks he’s thick. If they didn’t blame Shannon for Chris’s CP, he thinks she would believe he got it from him. He hates them both for that. Chris’s CP isn’t anyone’s fault, nor is it a fault.

However, his brain is a little occupied with what she actually said to get into that. So he frowns: “What do you mean with that?”

“Oh come on, Edmundo,” Ramon says and Eddie has always hated how his full name sounds in his papi’s mouth. “We both know you married that man to be petty and stubborn. You did it, you got back at us by being with him through your service and I suppose it was convenient when you recovered and insisted you moved here, but you can work again. You can be supported by one firefighter salary, that much we can see at least. So it’s time for you to be done with this nonsense and find a wife to provide for. Someone who can take care of Chris.”

“Buck takes care of Chris.” There are so many things Eddie can and wants to say to that, but it’s the only thing he manages.

Eddie doesn’t panic, but if he did, he imagines it would feel somewhat close to this. Because he and Buck got married with the knowledge they’ll divorce one day, but Eddie never considered the possibility that ‘one day’ will be in a few months. But his parents are right, there is no good reason to be married to Buck anymore once he starts working, and somehow that thought is terrifying.

“He’s barely home enough to take care of Christopher,” his mom scoffs. “And soon you won’t be either. You need a softer presence to be there for him when you can’t be, someone who is more gentle.”

Anger bubbles up in him at how she talks about Chris. It’s a familiar anger, one that is less confusing or fueled by insecurities, so he clings to that: “I’m plenty soft for Chris and we’re gentle enough, but he’s not a baby, mom. He’s seven. If you flew all the way out here to hark on my parenting choices the entire week we can rebook your flight so you leave today. I’m not going to hear about it. I mean it.”

“We’re just worried,” Helena tries to soothe him, though condescension coats every word. “It’s not easy to raise a child alone.”

“I’m not doing it alone,” Eddie crosses his arms stubbornly. Defensively. Scared. “I’m doing it with Buck.”

“And he’s not going to be there forever,” Helena says.

“But he’ll be there until I’m not alone anymore,” Eddie counters, unsure why the thought makes him hot and cold all over. And also unsure if it’s true. It has always been implied, but they never said it explicitly. What if Buck has been waiting until Eddie has gotten his certification so he can get out of there?

Eddie feels unsteady. His breathing is a little off and he wants to get out of there. Now.

He gets up, chair scraping over the chair as he floats above himself, watching himself stand up and say: “I’m going to pay the bill and you two are going to visit Abuela. You know how to Uber, you’ll figure it out. I can’t see you two right now.”

With that he walks off, pays their bill and gets out of there, ignoring his parents’ protests, while he gets in his truck and leaves them there.

The thoughts never stop spinning, but by the time he’s home, he feels guilty about just abandoning his parents in the middle of LA. He didn’t even check if they had wallets or their phone. Luckily, when he checks his own, he has a confused message from Abuela about them showing up, so they’re at least safe.

There is still an uncomfortable knot in his stomach, which he might call anxiety about what Buck is thinking, if he were the kind of person who gets anxious that is. And he isn’t. Eddie doesn’t do anxious, or panicked, or stressed. He just needs to suck it up and he’ll be fine.

He doesn’t manage to fully suck it up, but he calms down enough to drive by Abuela’s house when picking up Chris so they can join him. None of them say anything about that afternoon, nor for the rest of the day.

His mom makes dinner, since Buck is on shift until late, but Eddie makes sure to save him a plate for when he gets home, which he does after Chris is already put to bed.

The three Diazes are sitting at the kitchen table when he comes stumbling in, obviously having showered at work and dead on his feet. Eddie tells him to sit his ass down, while he goes to warm up some dinner for him.

When he returns, he hears his mom talking before he can enter again. “It’s just awfully late for Chris to go to bed at that time. He needs his rest. All the extra energy he extends with all the walking you two have him do.”

“Chris gets plenty of sleep. Eddie knows what’s best for his son. He set the bed time, I just help enforce it. When it comes to raising Chris, I’m always gonna defer to Eddie. He knows what he’s doing,” Buck replies, sounding tired yet forceful.

The unwavering support Buck shows here warms Eddie’s heart and that knot that has been in the background all day unravels slightly. Buck is going to be in his corner, always. He’s not going to let his parents make him doubt that. Eddie knows what he’s doing, Buck agrees. It doesn’t matter where their marriage goes, he’s going to be here.

It gives him a confidence boost and he walks into the room, giving Buck the food with a smile, letting his hand linger on Buck’s shoulder for a moment, before plopping down next to him like he always does, but hasn’t been that weekend. Next to him, Buck lights up, tired smile on his face as he knocks his foot against Eddie’s, as he begins shoveling food into his mouth.

Helena and Ramon look on, either displeased by Buck firmly but politely shutting them down or by the very unattractive way he is eating.

When he is done with dinner, Buck says his polite goodnights, before retreating to his bed. They had quite some calls and he’s tired. He’ll talk more with them tomorrow. Eddie mourns his lack of presence by his side when he’s gone.

The three of them go to bed soon after that, the atmosphere not great for staying up late to talk. He doesn’t care about that as much as he would have that morning.

Once they’ve all brushed their teeth, Eddie gets overtaken by a wave of defiance. He knows what he’s doing, he can stand up to his parents, he has back up. So he finds himself snatching his pillow from the couch, before wishing his parents goodnight and disappearing into Buck’s bedroom – with a perhaps slightly dramatic exit – before they can say anything.

As he stated before, Buck is indeed in the middle of the bed and Eddie feels slightly insecure now that he’s actually there. However, the door must have woken him, because blearily, he asks: “Eddie? That you?”

“Yeah, this still okay?” Eddie asks softly, not wanting to disturb Buck more as he approaches the bed with his pillow.

Buck opens one eye, expression melting into a smile when he sees Eddie there, probably looking like an idiot in his pajamas with his pillow, like a kid at a sleepover. Still, the expression calms Eddie and he climbs in when Buck wordlessly rolls to the side to make place for him.

“Thank you,” he says softly.

“Of course,” Buck replies, getting comfortable again. “The couch finally killing your back too much?”

“Nah,” Eddie says, realizing too late he probably should have taken the out, but now in too deep and too stubborn to back out. “Tired of listening to my parents bullshit.”

“Recognize that,” Buck snorts.

And it should be rude and Eddie should be offended on behalf of them, but he can’t bring himself to do anything other than laugh right back, before getting comfortable next to Buck too. It’s the best night he’s had in a long while.

Buck feels much better when wakes up the next morning with Eddie next to him. It makes him a little smug too, to know Eddie picked Buck over his parents bullshit – Eddie’s words. Bobby was right, he can so do this.

Still, he doesn’t want to push his luck, so he carefully extracts himself from the bed, thinking Eddie can use the sleep after so many nights on that couch. Don’t get him wrong, it is a great couch, but it doesn’t top sleeping on a bed, especially when recently injured.

Once he is free he pads out of the room and down the hall to get started on some coffee and breakfast. He hopes Helena and Ramon sleep in, so he can be out the door to drive Chris to school before they get up. However, they wake up when Chris’s crutches clatter to the kitchen and only Eddie sleeps like the dead. He is sorely missed.

However, Buck has learned that being cheerfully hospitable makes it harder for them to find anything to comment on, so he serves them coffee and eggs with bacon as he chatters happily about nonsensical things until Chris pulls him into a conversation about dinosaurs that he is more than happy to have. Especially when it gives him a reason to follow him through his morning routine, before telling him to say bye to his grandparents and driving him to school.

It’s a nice reprieve, just him and Chris. He spends the first few minutes listening to Chris ramble about dinosaurs, before there is a brief pause and he asks: “So, how are you feeling about grandma and abuelo visiting? Are you having fun?”

“Yeah,” Chris says brightly. “It is like having a secret vacation while still in school.”

“That’s good,” Buck smiles, glad to have checked in. He knows he and Eddie are sometimes annoyed with them, but they want Chris to still have them in his life. He adores them, which is understandable since he spend a lot of time at their house before they moved here.

If Chris is having a good time with his grandparents here, then he and Eddie can put up with it to make him happy. Eddie grew up with a lot of family, he wants that for Chris too. Buck never had any family around and that chafed, so he wants Chris to have something different from him.

Though, he can’t deny that his heart does a little happy dance when Chris says: “But it will be nice when it is just us again. Grandma doesn’t like it when I eat popcorn.”

Buck snorts at that, Helena certainly does not like Chris eating popcorn, what if he chokes on one of the pieces! But he doesn’t make a snide comment, instead he just says: “We’ll have a movie night once they’re on the plane back home, I’ll make you your own bucket.”

“Yay,” Chris cheers, oblivious to the fact that getting his own bucket means that Buck and Eddie have a lot more control about how much popcorn he consumes.

For now, Buck lets him live in the fantasy, pulling up to school drop off and helping Chris out of the car, before hugging him goodbye. Chris doesn’t want to be walked to the door anymore and Buck dreads the day he no longer wants to be hugged goodbye either.

He stands there until Chris is in the building, not because he thinks he can’t make it on his own, but because he loves that kid and wants to imprint him on his brain and spend as much time as he can looking at him, making sure he knows him the best he can.

Then with a little bit of apprehension, he gets back in the car and drives home.

When he enters the house is silent. He cautiously steps inside, feeling like a fucking idiot as he peers across the corner of the kitchen. No Helena or Ramon, just Eddie, nursing a coffee as he pours over a folder, because he’s a little nerd who is studying early. Buck’s heart beats fondly as he watches him for a second.

“Where are your parents?” he dares after a second of nothing changing.

Eddie startles slightly at the sound, before he spots Buck and his face softens. Then his smile turns a little sheepish as he says: “They’re out exploring the town together. I think I kind of made them not want to be around when I left them at a restaurant yesterday.”

“You left them at a restaurant?” Buck eyebrows climb up his forehead as he can’t help but repeat the information in a shocked tone.

“Oh, yeah, they kept trying to get me to divorce you so I can find a proper wife now that I recovered and acting like you’re not there to parent Chris with me,” Eddie says, making a face.

Buck’s heart is all over the place today and right now it’s hammering in his throat. Carefully he says: “And- And you didn’t want that?”

“No,” Eddie shakes his head firmly, before he looks at Buck and suddenly turns into himself. “Do you?”

It’s the opposite of what he wants and he never wants to give Eddie the idea that Buck wants him to leave, so he quickly says: “No, no, I don’t want to.” Then he thinks he might sound too eager, so he jokes: “Besides, I don’t think we can afford the mortgage without the tax breaks.”

“Oh shove off, we can, but not with one income. I don’t know why they want me to get a wife or act like I’m going to kick you out the second I find someone,” Eddie huffs.

A stupid hopeful feeling unfurls itself in Buck’s chest and he can’t help but attempt (and fail a little) at casually asking: “You’re not looking for a girlfriend at least?”

Eddie looks surprised by the question, as if he hadn’t considered it, before he quickly wipes that expression away. He shrugs: “I will, but not yet. I want to get into a work rhythm first. Besides, you know I’m not a going out to the club or a bar kind of person. I don’t even know how I’m going to meet someone with the life I have.”

Buck doesn’t want to remind him of the single mom’s at Chris’s school or the people he’ll encounter on calls, instead teasing: “Dating apps exist, you technophobe.”

“Anyone can be anyone on there,” Eddie says, scandalized. “And they steal your data.”

“Oh my god, you’re such a dork,” Buck laughs.

“Shut up,” Eddie rolls his eyes, but he’s laughing too. Then he asks: “Are you looking for someone?”

“Uh,” Buck says, before recovering swiftly. “Nah.”

“Really? Why?” Eddie asks, looking as if he’d rather not push, but feels like he has to.

‘Because I’m madly in love with you,’ is what Buck doesn’t answer. He does want something serious, just not with anyone other than Eddie and he technically already has that, even if there is less kissing involved than he’d like, seeing that there is none.

He’s not going to say that though, so instead he shrugs: “I get enough serious at my job-” and here, but I’m not going to point that out to you “-so if I’m with someone, it’ll just be a casual night of fun to release some energy or something. I’ve had a few hook ups, but like you said, it’s kind of a hassle to go look for something, so why bother? I got a hand.”

“Too much information,” Eddie grimaces, which doesn’t make Buck want to curl up at all, no, sir.

“Fuck off, I know you’re not innocent either.” Buck doesn’t know that, but Eddie doesn’t know that he doesn’t know that and the look of embarrassment on his face is a little worth it, especially since it breaks the tension and gets them onto different topics, the two of them relaxing into each other’s presence as they do chores around the house and indulge in hobbies.

Despite the weird ending to the conversation, Buck feels more settled than he has in days – maybe even weeks – and more secure in his place here. It is still temporary, but the clock has gotten more days added to it. And he’s not just getting kicked out the second Eddie finds someone. Buck doesn’t dare to hope for more than that.

[wildlife4life]

Tease Tidbit Tuesday

Tagged by the super fantabulous @bekkachaos (dropped a whole fic, check it out!) @jamespearce9-1-1 @thewolvesof1998 @giddyupbuck @eddiebabygirldiaz @hippolotamus @daffi-990 @jesuisici33 and @disasterbuckdiaz. Thank you all so much and I am so very excited for your works!

Feeling a lot better today and I'm in still in a good NFL Buck mood. So here is a little snippet from the Dosed arc, featuring for the first time Buck's perspective. (Everything NFL Buck can be found here.)

After many different un-needed apologies from Eddie about the pollen and several assurances from Buck that Eddie is safe from the tiny ladies made of said pollen, the dosed firefighter finally passes out. Poor man is still in his uniform and is going to have one hell of a hangover when he wakes up. Or at least according to the article Buck speed read after Sergeant Grant stated his boyfriend and the majority of the 118 had been dosed with a hallucinogen. Most likely LSD. Buck lets out a groan of both frustration and weariness. He had just gotten home from the days workout with the team and was getting ready for his cool down when the gates intercom went off. Thinking it was another wayward delivery person who had yet again ignored instructions to leave all packages in the lock box, Buck was taken by complete surprise to see LAPD on the video. And hearing Eddie's desperate cries in the background, threw him for a major loop. Eddie is taken care of for the moment and quick texts to Carla and his sister, insured Christopher would be away until tomorrow afternoon, giving his father time to recover. The last issue at hand, is waiting patiently in Buck's living room. Rolling his shoulders, Buck steps through the arch way, doing his best to ignore the niggle of fear in his gut and to just put on the mask of Evan Buckley, charismatic and cool NFL quarterback. "Seeing that you are alone and a little more at ease, I assume firefighter Diaz is finally settled?" The Sergeant asks sounding truly concerned, but Buck can also see a glint of scrutiny and the mask of charm falters. "Um, yea." Buck answers trying and failing to meet her sharp gaze, feeling as if she could see every little secret he was holding. "Thank you, again for bringing him home and keeping him safe." Ms. Grant shrugs, "Its the job and he's fellow first responder. Plus my husband is becoming quite fond of Diaz, even without knowing him all that well." She catches Buck's wondering eye at that and it freezes him on the spot. "Have to say, finding out Evan Buckley, the LA Ram's shiny new star and hottest NFL bachelor is secretly dating a single father and firefighter from Texas, is the most surprising thing that's happened to me so far this year. And I allowed a delinquent kid out of my custody, to hot wire a concrete mixer to save a man trapped in his burning car." The entirety of the Evan Buckley facade shatters and Buck has to swallow every shard of dread. Shit.

Like Buck could fool Athena. Psssh. Hope you all enjoyed!

PSA: School has officially started for me this week and as I am in a 9 month fast track program, most of my focus will be on my school work, so my writing is going to slow down. But I will find the time.

Tagging (no pressure): @wikiangela @exhuastedpigeon @spotsandsocks @rainbow-nerdss @devirnis @spaceprincessem @fortheloveofbuddie @lover-of-mine @athenagranted @eddiescowboy @evanbegins @elvensorceress @malewifediaz @911onabc @911-on-abc @loserdiaz @hoodie-buck @try-set-me-on-fire @theotherbuckley @ladydorian05 @bigfootsmom @watchyourbuck @thekristen999 @shortsighted-owl @spagheddiediaz @monsterrae1 @rogerzsteven @eowon @princessfbi @honestlydarkprincess @vampbuckley @bitchfacediaz @buck-coded @housewifebuck @glorious-spoon @buddierights @prosperdemeter2 @gayedmundodiaz @lemonzestywrites

[typicalopposite]

PLZ READ TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS

𝙴𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝙸 𝚃𝚛𝚢 𝚃𝚘 𝙵𝚕𝚢 (𝙸 𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕)

BuckTommy Fic | M | Chapter 2/? | 5817 words

Prologue | Chapter 1 | ao3

I also made a Tommy Begins-esque tumblr story a little while back which ties into this fic, and since it won’t be added directly to the story I’ll share it here (killing two ideas with one fic… if you will 😂)

Parts: one | two | three | four of the backstory

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚃𝚠𝚘: 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝… 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎

As soon as Tommy pulls Buck’s front door closed, every ounce of anger, all the annoyance, the jealousy—everything his mind had been so desperately clinging to up until this moment—dissipates. He doesn’t know what makes him feel worse: Tommy’s lack of anger that Buck had gone through such great lengths to uncover his past, Tommy not fighting him on the break up (regardless of the tears in his eyes, and the hurt on his face saying he desperately wanted to), or Tommy calling him Buck. 

Or, maybe they’re all equally combined in making it so the second that latch clicks, and he hears Tommy’s footsteps fade off down the hall, he immediately regrets everything. 

The intensity of it surges through his body and overstimulates him. He stands in the middle of his loft while the reality of what just happened—what he’s just done—comes crashing down onto him. He wants to scream, but he can’t breathe. He wants to chase after Tommy, but his feet are cemented to the floor. He squeezes his eyes shut, pinches his arm as hard as he can, and hopes this is just a nightmare and he will open his eyes, and have woken up. 

Instead, when he opens them all he sees is the closed front door. When he finally manages to break them away from that, he sees the flowers, the wine, and the card… He grips his phone in his hands… his fingers are already itching to call Tommy so he can beg him to come back. It was never supposed to come to this. Sure, he was upset… but not relationship ending upset. 

He feels so stupid, and hot-headed… he feels like an asshole… He feels like he definitely doesn’t deserve another second chance, or forgiveness for his once again loose and hurtful lips. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t call, and instead just goes back upstairs, and collapses onto his bed. 

He doesn’t think he really deserves to succumb to the tears building in his eyes, because he did this to himself; but if he does cry it out… at least the exhaustion it will bring might help him fall asleep. He needs to sleep; he has work in the morning. He doesn’t sleep, though. He just lays, curled around his pillow, and spends the night going through all of the pictures of them. 

What was supposed to be years, and years and years spent growing old together… now will only exist as yearly memories. 

Before he knows it his alarms are going off and he has no choice but to drag himself back out of bed. A pot of coffee, black, and an ice cold shower… do nothing to help the exhaustion. He doesn’t even change clothes before sulking out of his loft and down to his Jeep. The drive to the station feels like it takes an eternity. His head has never hurt this bad in his life. Not to mention…

…he now has to tell everyone he ended things with Tommy.

A new wave of dread, nausea, and exhaustion wash over him, and the amount of energy it feels like it is going to take to make himself get out and go face the music is far too great. He considers just driving back home; Bobby would understand.

“S’up Buck!” Eddie says, slapping the hood of the Jeep. Buck jumps so hard it causes Eddie to jump, too. “Whoa, you okay?” Buck looks out the window blinking slowly—because he is too tired to do much else—until Eddie starts to look concerned. 

“I– I’m fine,” Buck lies. “Just… tired.” 

“Tommy told me he was heading over there after his shift…” Eddie says, Buck tenses up, dreading talking about it. “The hell did he do when he got—You know what… I don’t want to know.” Eddie’s face relaxes back into his warm, bright smile—which has finally returned after months of it being nonexistent or just plain forced during everything that happened with Christopher. What’s Buck supposed to do, ruin that with his self-inflicted drama. 

No.

So Buck just goes along with it. He slaps on his best, cheesy, classic Evan “Buck” Buckley smile, laughs at Eddie’s discomfort from the images he put in his own head, and tosses all his woes and regrets into the negative thoughts bin.  He tiptoes around any mention of Tommy, he says the bare minimum when he must, he lies where it is necessary… 

He goes on about his day as if nothing—no major life-altering thing—has happened, and he makes it to the end of his shift managing to leave the team none the wiser about his relationship status. 

He does this for a week. 

Everyone has lives, and their lives are busy, so he plays on that and keeps them talking about themselves instead of him. Apparently Tommy isn’t too keen on sharing the news of their break up either, because he doesn’t mention it to Eddie or Chimney during their game on Thursday. Buck wonders how long he can avoid it; logically, as he gets back into his regular clothes (trying to not look at the picture of him and Tommy hanging up on the inside of the door he hasn’t been able to take down yet) he tells himself this was the last day. He hasn’t spoken to Tommy—not that he thinks Tommy wants to speak to him—and he hasn’t been able to get the courage up to reach out himself. He decides to break the news when he comes back to work. 

“What are you and Tommy doing tonight?” Chimney asks, stopping Buck just as he reaches his Jeep. Buck can feel the color drain from his face, so he keeps his back to him for a moment to compose himself. At least he remembers Tommy’s schedule for the near future so he is able to get out of whatever this invitation is with: “Oh—uh—actually Tommy has a shift today.” 

“I thought he said he was taking a couple days off,” Eddie interrupts. Buck is sure he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. His brain sputters to a stop rather than working on a back up plan, but before he is sure he has to come clean, Eddie snaps his fingers; “No wait, that’s right. He said he was taking time off after this shift.” 

“So you two finally have snagged a few days off together, then?” Hen chimes in, joining them at Buck’s Jeep. “He planning on taking you up to meet Mrs. K, yet?” 

Chimney lets out a dramatic Ooo; he nudges Buck with his elbow. “Those are the big steps, Buckley.” 

Buck tries not to react. 

They had made plans to take a trip up to NorCal to visit Tommy’s mom actually; before… everything. Buck has only spoken to her on the phone—never FaceTimed because she’s older and doesn’t like smart phones—because they were taking it slow. Tommy didn’t want to rush bringing Buck home to his mother; Buck didn’t push, his nerves always in hyperdrive at the thought of her not thinking he was good enough for her baby. 

Tommy’s an only child, and they are extremely close. It was such a big deal to him for her to meet Buck. Tommy swore she already loved him, and she made it seem as such the few times they had spoken. That’s all unimportant now, though… 

“Yeah— yeah, I know… right?” Buck says, a nervous (very unconvincing) laugh bubbling out of him. “We’re definitely taking some… big— big steps on our time off.”

Chimney narrows his eyes, and Buck is certain he is about to start asking questions. “I feel like this just pivoted into sexual territory,” he says, and Buck has to force himself to not sigh in relief. “And I’d very much love to not go there… so changing the subject—”

“Yeah, great… let’s do that,” Buck blurts before he can stop himself, nervously shoving his hands down into his pockets. 

“Uh huh,” Chimney says. “So anyway, do you have plans tonight?” 

Buck should say no. He should go home and get his head straight about all of this… he should consider calling Tommy… and if he decides to not—if he decides to stay broken up—he should figure out how he’s going to tell everyone. “I’m free,” he says instead. 

~~~

The bar is noisy and packed; it’s definitely doing wonders for Buck’s already pounding headache. He has to squint his eyes at the brightness of the dimmed lights just to navigate his way towards the table Chimney is frantically waving him over from. “Hey! You made it,” he says, moving further into the booth so Buck can sit. “Everyone else should be here soon.”

“Cool,” Buck replies. “Cool, cool, cool…” He swallows around the nausea that everything—the lack of sleep, the pounding headache, the entire situation—is causing. A young bubbly waitress comes up, pad waiting to take his drink order. “Water,” he tells her, and that’s enough to get Chimney curious. 

“You ok?” 

“Uh— uhm— yeah, I’m fine. Why?” Chimney cocks a brow, Buck knows why. “It’s just… I think I’m coming down with something,” he lies. “Figure I should avoid making it worse with alcohol.” 

Chimney keeps eyeing him like he’s not buying it, but Hen and Ravi thankfully walk in to distract him. Of course the distraction is short lived because both of them question his glass of water the second the waitress sits it down in front of him. “He says he’s sick,” Chimney fills them in.

“Buck’s sick?” Eddie asks, joining them. He furrows his brows at Buck, concerned. 

“I’m fine!” Buck manages to laugh. “I just feel like I could be catching something.”

“Keep it to yourself please,” Ravi says, letting Hen in before him so he’s furthest from Buck. “I can’t afford to get sick!”

Buck sighs, taking a sip from his water, and looks around the bar. “Is Bobby coming?” 

“Nah he and ‘Thena have the house to themselves tonight,” Hen replies. 

“Oh god… I don’t even want to think about what they’re doing,” Ravi quickly says, cringing. Everyone agrees. Buck kind of feels a little bit better. 

That is until he sees an oh too familiar body slump down on a stool up at the bar. What the hell… he thinks, as he watches Tommy order a drink from the bartender. No one else knows he’s there; the booth they’re in isn’t facing the bar… Buck was just looking around and happened to see him, and since he has not looked in their direction since Buck spotted him it’s likely he doesn’t know they are there either. 

So back to Buck’s original thought; what the hell… is Tommy doing here? He was supposed to have a shift… not that he owes Buck an explanation of his whereabouts… but still. 

Then some guy walks up to the bar, right to the seat beside Tommy; and Tommy looks at him and smiles. It probably shouldn’t make Buck’s blood boil the way it does… but it most definitely does. The next thing he knows he’s out of his seat and walking towards them. He thinks someone at the booth asks where he’s going; he thinks he hears someone ask if that’s Tommy; he thinks he is maybe just overreacting about halfway across the room…

Then Buck is spotted by the guy— he looks up directly at him, and he is very familiar. Buck stalls; it’s Sal. There’s a sudden relief in recognizing the person there with Tommy… not that it matters if he were on a—

Sal says something to Tommy, then grabs his face and kisses him. 

Buck feels like the wind is sucked completely out of him. Tommy jolts away from Sal and frantically turns around, locking eyes with Buck instantly. His eyes go wide and he scrambles to his feet and towards Buck, who is already walking back to the booth as fast as he can. He blinks back his tears and tries to not think about the many eyes on him (most notably from his team). 

Tommy catches him and grabs his arm just before he reaches the booth. “What?!” He snaps, bitterly. 

“You don’t understand— that wasn’t what it looked like!” Tommy cries, he sounds winded, or desperate. Buck is hurt enough (justified or not) that he doesn’t care either way. “Evan, please let me—” 

“Oh,” Buck scoffs. “So now it’s Evan again?” 

Tommy deflates, he lets go of Buck’s arm and stares at the floor. “That was— I’m sorry about that…” he says softly. 

There’s a split second Buck wants to just let it go. He was considering trying to fix things already… This is his chance, and Tommy is willing to talk, but he sees Sal watching them from the bar and the anger comes rushing back. “What’s there to talk about? You don't have to explain yourself, Tommy… it’s not like we’re together anyway, right?” 

“What?!” He hears Hen ask from the booth. 

“Since when,” Eddie adds. 

“Apparently long enough for him to already move on,” Buck says. Sure, it’s petty… but he’s having a hard time making himself care. He grabs his keys off the table, throws some money down towards the tab, and is walking towards the exit… leaving everyone watching after him in confusion. Everyone, of course, except for Tommy who is hot on his heels. 

“Evan, stop…” 

Buck ignores him for the most part, getting all the way to his Jeep before he finally turns around. “No, Tommy, you stop. Stop making excuses… or trying to make me understand. It’s— it’s pointless… I don’t want to hear it.” 

“Then what do you want to hear? I’ll tell you anything you want to hear!” Tommy’s eyes already look red even just under the dim street light. “You’re right, I was way too guarded about my life…” he continues. “So I’ll tell you everything: About Jay, about the army, about my childhood… I don’t care— I can’t— Baby, I have been losing my mind this past week… I can’t live like this—without you. Please…”

Buck feels like his heart is being ripped in two. “You sure seemed like you were living just fine without me in there…” he says, biting his tongue after. 

Tommy covers his face, Buck can hear him sniffling and whimpering behind his hands… he has never seen Tommy like this. It makes him want to grab him and hold him and apologize. He should be the one apologizing! The thought gets shoved back down by the louder, angrier ones. “I’m so sorry, I fucked all this up, I know that. But that was just Sal being an idiot!” Tommy says. “He thought it would make you jealous…” 

“So you let him kiss you to make me jealous?!”

“No! I didn’t know— Evan please…”

“Maybe you should… just stick with Buck,” Buck says. Tommy’s face falls more. He takes a step, his mouth falls open like he’s going to speak. Buck turns back to his Jeep, opens the door and climbs inside. “I’ll— uh… I’ll see you around.” Then he pulls the door closed and jams the key in and takes off, leaving Tommy standing there, dumbfounded. 

He spares one glance in his rearview mirror—catches Tommy just as he pulls a fist back and connects it with the light pole. 

~~~

It’s not like Buck has never been through a break up before. He’s been through a few of them, actually. Bad ones… This time shouldn’t be any different.

Except for the fact that there are a plethora of reasons this time is completely different. 

Everyone likes Tommy, for one. He has potentially been Buck’s only partner that not a single person in his life has disliked. His parents even like Tommy. (That is saying so much it makes Buck sick to even think about having to tell them it's over.)

There’s also the little (extremely significant) detail of everyone telling Buck to leave this whole mess Gerrard stirred up alone. Now, Buck has to face the fact that he, in fact, did the exact opposite, then used that as the fuel that ultimately blew up the relationship. 

It shouldn’t have surprised him when everyone tries to tell him maybe he needs to step back and reconsider this decision. It shouldn’t have surprised him when after all was said and out there they seem to sympathize less with Buck and more with Tommy. It really shouldn’t have surprised him—after he walks in to work the next day, and overhears Chimney telling everyone Tommy shattered his hand with that punch—when all eyes turn judgingly onto him. 

Doesn’t make it suck any less that it seems like no one is on his side. 

“Of course I’m on your side,” Maddie says, after he confides this to her. She reaches across the table to squeeze Buck’s hand. “I just want you to be one hundred percent sure this is what you want. I mean… you were so happy together.”

“And then I found out he was hiding stuff from me…”

Maddie’s face shifts, she tries to shift it back but Buck sees. She sighs: “Was he really hiding it from you… or had he just not told you about it… maybe because it was a difficult memory.” 

Buck scoffs and pulls his hand away. “But you’re on my side…” 

Surprisingly Maddie’s face doesn’t soften. “That’s not fair,” she says. “I can be on your side, and still point out the flaws in your reasoning, Buck.” 

And even if he wants to argue with that, he can’t. 

Hen and Chimney haven’t necessarily been avoiding him at work, but they haven’t necessarily tried to stop Buck from avoiding them—like they normally would—which tells him all he needs to know about where they stand. Eddie has remained neutral, but in remaining neutral he has distanced himself from them both. (Well… he has definitely distanced himself from Buck.) Bobby gives Buck that worried papa bear look everytime he sees him, but he pointedly doesn’t bring it up… 

Ravi is— At least Ravi is still Ravi. He blurts out needing to call in air support when they are at difficult fires. He asks if Tommy is still available for car problems, given everything… He asks when they are all going out again—Buck included—as if anyone wants to be around Buck at the moment. 

Regardless… Buck would have never guessed when the Buckley-Kinard divorce era finally happened (maybe a part of him always planned on this ending, like his relationships always do…) Tommy would be the one to be granted custody of the 118 family… his family. 

That jealousy that had taken root inside of him from Jay, begins to grow and blossom; logically Buck knows the rage he feels from it should be aimed at himself, but instead he turns it outward. He projects onto everyone around him who clearly sees Tommy as the fan favorite. Clearly no one wants to see Buck’s side of the story… Clearly they don’t care about him as much as they used to act like they did…

Clearly he is reaching. Logically he knows this. Unfortunately he is too lost in his own head to stop himself. 

Then the 217 starts to reach out. 

It’s about a week after the blow up at the bar. First, it’s a call from Lucy, asking him—demanding him, really—to talk to Tommy. “He’s a wreck, dude… just— I don’t know… Just consider hearing him out?” 

“Hear him out about what?” Buck snaps back. 

“About all of it! God damn, Buck, do you even fully know what you’re mad at him about?!” 

“I— what— what the hell is that supposed to mean? Of course I do!” 

She laughs, actually laughs at him and hangs up. 

Next it’s an older pilot, James McCarty, who comes into the station requesting to speak to the kid. He just wants him to know Tommy is starting to slack at work. He’s getting careless. Buck looks from McCarty to the team eavesdropping from upstairs. He feels his face heat up. “What am I supposed to do about that…” he asks, trying to ignore how bitter and petty he sounds. 

“Look, kid, maybe whatever you two had was one-sided… I’m letting you know what’s going on.” Buck tenses his jaw, pushes back the bile that statement brings, and how it reminds him of what he said to Tommy about Jay. “I guess I just figured he meant a little more to you than that, maybe I was wrong.” 

Buck itches to correct him, instead he stands firmly planted in place and watches him turn and leave. 

When reaching out to Buck gets them nowhere the 217 starts reaching out to the 118… and then the 118 starts trying to convince Buck to talk to Tommy; which only makes the anger grow despite the little voice in the back of Buck’s head telling him maybe he should listen to them. 

“Why are you acting so childish about this, Buck?” Hen blocks the exit to the lockers when he groans and tries to leave. “Stop getting so defensive, no one is attacking you… It’s a legitimate question.” 

“I really don’t want to do this, Hen…” Buck says. He crosses his arms tightly over his chest and leans back into his locker. Hen gives him that look; she’s not backing down either… they might be here a while. “I told you what I found,” he tries, and her glare intensifies. It’s true, in a last ditch effort to not be painted the bad guy in this Buck told them everything he found—ignored how grimey it made him feel to bring up Tommy’s personal business—and just stood there waiting for them to jump ship. It didn’t happen, of course… 

“Buck, all that proves is that you went digging for something to be mad about,” Hen sighs. “Look… I get it, okay? I’ve been there… feeling like you’re doomed to be unhappy in love… and then you find someone who is different. Someone who is good, and honest, and just too perfect to be real. So what do you do? You sit and wait for it to go south… and when it doesn’t you end up sending it there yourself.” Buck shifts his feet, looks at his hands instead of Hen… so maybe she won’t be able to read him like an open book… so maybe she can’t tell he knows she’s right. “Buck, you remember when you asked me what I thought the secret to happiness was?” Buck finally looks at her… “I really thought—I’d hoped you’d finally figured it out…” Then she’s gone, and Buck is left with that to weigh on his mind the rest of the night. 

It’s still on his mind when he walks back into the station for his next shift. 

Everyone is gathered around the engines, looking up to the second floor; to where Bobby and the captain of the 217 are having a very serious looking conversation. “What’s going on?” Buck asks, about ninety percent certain that conversation is about him. Everyone looks at him, no one says anything.

“Buck,” Bobby calls down, both men now looking at him. “In my office.” 

Captain Collier says something to Bobby then turns and starts down the stairs, eyes remaining fixed on Buck until he feels like he might come out of his skin if he doesn’t get away from them. He pushes through the small crowd and goes into Bobby’s office to wait. Bobby barks for everyone to stop being nosey; he sounds pissed… Buck dreads this conversation. 

Bobby walks in, shuts the door behind him, and slowly crosses the room to his desk. He sighs as he drops down into the seat, and motions for Buck to do the same in the chair in front of him. “I’m sure you already know what that was about,” Bobby starts, running his hands over his eyes tiredly. Buck nods. “Listen kid, I’m not about to tell you what to do; I can’t demand you go talk to Tommy. I do, however, think you should.” 

“Cap I—” 

Bobby throws a hand up, and Buck snaps his mouth shut. “Look I don’t know the full story, and it's not my business. I don’t want to play favorites; I’m not here to take sides. If you don’t want to be with Tommy… don’t be with him. I’ll set my opinion on that to the side and let you be a grown up and make your own decision. But Tommy is not the only one who needs closure from this; you do too, Buck.” 

“What— what do you mean?” 

“You’re letting this drive a wedge between you and your team,” Bobby says. “You have to have each other's backs out there and you are barely speaking to any of them.” Buck goes to say it’s more they aren’t speaking to him, but is met with Bobby’s raised hand again. “I want you to consider talking to him…”

Buck fidgets in the chair. “I doubt he wants to—”

“Buck stop… if Tommy didn’t want to talk to you he wouldn’t be grieving this hard over losing you.” 

“He— he’s grieving…” Buck says quietly. 

The look Bobby gives him is almost comical; it's so exhaustive. “Have you just been tuning everyone out who’s been trying to tell you that, kid?” 

Buck shrugs; he kind of has. “I don’t know why he’s grieving me.” 

Bobby groans: “I really didn’t want to get in the middle of this,” he mutters, before pushing himself to his feet and walking around the desk. “You ever think it could have something to do with him loving you? Or maybe that you actually do matter to him.” Bobby sighs. “You know… I was so happy to see you grow up in this relationship, given your history… but it seems like maybe it got a little bit too real— too serious— too grown up. So you turned and started running in the other direction ” 

“But— But he—”

“He what, Buck? Didn’t tell you about something from his past.” Bobby crosses his arms and sits on his desk. “Look, kid, just because you have no problem over sharing doesn’t mean everyone can. Sometimes things are too big, they hurt too bad… Did you ever think maybe he was planning on telling you one day? Bottom line is he didn’t owe you that information… and you let it sit and fester until it turned into a problem… and rather than fix it you got mad that people called you out on it.”

“Wh- what about him kissing Sal… he seemed to have moved on pretty—” 

“Again… did you even stop to think maybe you had it wrong?” Buck falters; he did think that… he didn’t really dwell on the thought long though. “Chimney said Tommy talked to them after you stormed out. It turns out Sal was in town, so Tommy took off a day earlier than he was going to, to catch up. He confided in Sal about the break up, and Sal suggested going out for drinks… Sal saw you were there, and thought maybe if he gave you a little competition… you would get jealous and take Tommy back.” 

Buck is… confused, if not dumbfounded… but mostly confused. “Kind of a bold move,” he says more to himself, but Bobby still laughs. 

“Yeah Sal’s good for making some questionable heat of the moment decisions…” Bobby says with a sarcastic laugh. “Kind of reminds me of someone, actually.” 

Buck can feel his cheeks heating up. “So— so your saying I should try to fix this?”

“I’m saying you should take a moment and look at this whole situation. Then do what you feel like needs to be done… whatever that may be.” He tells Buck to go home, and to take a couple days to get this figured out; that he wants it resolved and for Buck to have a clear head (and hopefully Tommy will too) when he comes back to work. 

Buck reluctantly agrees, and leaves, trying to avoid everyone and their curious judgmental stares as he walks out of the station. He climbs into his Jeep, feeling every bit like the terrible person he’s sure everyone thinks he is—feeling like he definitely deserves to feel like it, too. 

~~~

Buck spends most of the morning trying to work up the courage to call Tommy. It’s past noon before he finally manages it. The call goes straight to voicemail. He waits an hour and tries again. Again, straight to voicemail. Buck groans and collapses on his bed. Maybe he should just go over there…

Of course, Tommy’s not home. 

Buck contemplates just sending a text for him to call after he gets off… except when he gets back in his Jeep he drives straight to Harbor. He’s met out in the lot by Collier. “Damn, that was quick,” he laughs. “If I’d have known Nash would be able to get you over here that fast I’d have come to him to begin with.” 

“Uh… yeah, well…” Buck feels like his face is on fire. “Is— Is Tommy here?”

“Should be back soon,” Collier replies. “He is flying over Angeles Forest; got some calls about a possible fire… a ground crew already checked it out, we’re just following up. You’re more than welcome to wait for him here,” he offers. 

Buck should say no, if the glares around the station give any indication how the time will be spent… “Uh, yeah— yeah, sure, that would be… great,” he says instead.

Collier leads him into the station, towards where Lucy and Morris are sitting. The two are watching him and whispering to each other instead of their usual greetings—teasing jokes about how much Tommy talks their ears off about him. “I’ll let him know you’re here,” Collier says, gesturing for Buck to sit on the couch; both firefighters get up and leave the area as he does. 

Not even an hour passes before Buck is too antsy, awkward, and annoyed to stay seated. 

He goes to Collier’s office, knocks, and pushes the door open. “Hey listen I’m just gonna—”

Like a mirror of Bobby, Collier throws a hand up, silencing Buck. “Are we certain this isn’t a prank call,” he says into the phone, before lifting his walkie to his mouth and panickedly radioing Tommy, only to get no answer. “I understand— it’s just that I recently spoke to him, ma’am.” Buck wonders if Collier told Tommy he was at the station. “I want to be sure they are positive they saw a helicopter go down—” is the last thing Buck hears. 

Then he is moving. 

Away from Collier’s office, out of the station, across the lot to his Jeep. He doesn’t even put his seat belt on before he is driving in the direction of Angeles Forest. 

Buck throws the Jeep into park at the edge of the forest; doesn’t even lock it and slams the door closed behind him. He doesn’t even know what direction to go in. He doesn’t even know if they saw it go down in this forest, or in a forest at all… he just knows he has to find Tommy. 

He is running blind, he knows that. The forest is massive and his chances of getting lost are far higher than his chances of actually finding Tommy. 

But he has to try. 

He runs until he loses track of which way he’s going, or where he’s already been. Until the land is no longer flat that he is running on, and he is leaping over fallen trees and boulders and brush. Until his legs—specifically his bad leg—are burning and aching and ready to give out… but then he just pushes himself to run faster. 

And as if by some miracle… he finds the helicopter.

Off a little ways in the distance—just as Buck is almost ready to give up hope… or at least slow down for the sake of his legs—he spots it. Part of the propeller is broken off, the front window is busted out, the tail is snapped in half… and it’s caught between two trees, about thirty feet above the ground. “Oh god…” Buck gasps, faltering his running to take in the sight. The helicopter is tilting and the door has fallen open. “Tommy.” 

He is hunched over, seemingly unconscious… possibly worse—Buck can’t let his mind go there, not yet. He has to stay focused because Tommy is literally hanging out of the open door. All that is holding him in is a single strap across his chest.

Buck tries to pick up speed, but his legs are so tired; too tired. He screams at them—at himself—to go, move, run faster. He has to get to Tommy. He has to save him. He has no idea how… but he has to. 

“I— I’m coming!” He calls out to him, doubtful that it’s heard; between the noises all around them, and the fact that Tommy doesn’t appear to be alert, Buck is sure he doesn’t hear—

Tommy moves.

He groans.

“T- Tommy,” Buck gasps, barely above a whisper. He thinks there’s no way he is heard that time but still Tommy’s head lifts, his eyes instantly meet with Buck’s. His face is covered in blood and so swollen that one eye is completely closed; and yet he smiles. He looks directly at Buck and even from the distance Buck still is away from him, he can see the wave of relief that seems to wash over Tommy. Like just seeing Buck has made what is an incredibly dire situation into a simple walk in the park. 

He shifts his body, and the helicopter creaks. The limit that the tension being put on the belt can take is being tested. “T- Tommy! Tommy, don't move!” Buck screams; reality rushing back to him as he tries again to somehow get more momentum into his now limping feet so he gets there faster. 

“E- Evan…” Tommy calls out to him, and Buck suddenly loves his name. He swears he will call and thank his parents for giving him that name and even allow them to use it again. If he can just reach the trees and get Tommy out safe. 

Buck mentally pleads with his legs to move faster. He has no idea what he’s going to do; he will climb up to him if he has to, crawl across the wrecked helicopter and then carry Tommy down on his back… if that’s what it takes. He doesn’t care. He will do anything.

He’s so close. 

There’s another creak. 

A snap. 

The belt suddenly goes slack. 

It no longer matters how fast Buck runs… there is nothing he can do. Tommy falls from the helicopter—his hands frantically reaching around, trying to grab something to stop it—and he collides with the ground just as Buck reaches him.

My little tag list for this fic 🫶 @bucksxkinard @30somethingautisticteacher @do-androids-dream-ao3acc @girlwonder-writes … I think that’s everyone (let me know if you want to be added 🫣😂) hope y’all like the next chapter of angst!

[dear-oizys]

My thoughts on the latest 911 episode

Buzzkill

This was written while I was watching the episode

Noooooo the planes gonna hit the bigger aircraft!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely hate Gerrard. Despise him. Take you your "unsatisfactory" to the fucking grave with your body you absolutely asshole. I hope you're allergic to bees.

Why the fuck is he bullying everyone like this. Chimney just cleaned the floor and that bastard just spit on it????????

Also why the fuck is he targeting Buck?? Im not gonna lie I expected dickbag to favour Buck solely cause he's white.

Why the fuck does this happen to Athena??? Can't they leave her in peace??

Buck I love you but you're so dumb. People can't quit their jobs just like that.

Nooooooo!!!!! Bobby got a job at another station???? Oh. He's on a set. Why is the lafd sending people to sets?????

Im asking the important question here. Why the hell were they transporting 22 million killer bees????????

Maddie and Josh!!!!!!!!! I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!

Gerrard better show some fucking respect to Josh. That guy has lived probably half of Gerrard's days and has definitely done more for more people than Gerrard ever could.

Buck. Why do you know so many bee facts???? Like how??? Gerrard you better appreciate good ideas especially when you yourself can't do anything but shout at everyone.

Awww Bobby and Athena!!!! They are so sweet.

Ooooooh. I feel like that there may be some animosity later between hen and chimney cause of the mara situation. Well not animosity but some sadness between them I guess.

No but for a second why did I think Chris came back??? Gerrard is taking credit for buck's idea????? Damn ok.

Last season I really liked LFJr and his character, but after finding out somethings I'm not sure I still do. But we'll see what happens and where Tommy and Buck's relationship goes.

I really understand where Chris is coming from but I still think that maybe it's a bit too much. I mean I'm not asking him to come back or talk like before with Eddie again but like uh huh and just straight up leaving does seem a bit rude. But honestly Eddie fucked up like a LOT last season. So it is kinda justified.

I don't like Eddie's mom.

Grown ups????? Bitch you should shut the fuck up. You're not a grown up. You're a childish, selfish, racist, sexist bastard who should DIE ( can everyone tell that I HATE Gerrard )

After causing so much trauma to hen and chimney, and now trying to do the same to all the new members of the 118. I don't know how the hell they put him in the same house again.

Lol its really funny how Eddie looks back desperately hoping it's not him Buck is referring to.

I once again ask. Why does buck know so many bee facts??????

"We'll this has both" chimney your comedic timing is perfection.

Not buck spraying perfume at Eddie while he's walking away 🤣

The whole Eddie running scene gives me life fr.

Duck tape is the best!!!!!!! ( I have never seen ducktape in my life, we don't have that in my country)

Wow. Buck was so happy and looked to Gerrard like he would do if Bobby was here, but Bobby is not here and Gerrard is an asshole.

Episode name drop!!!!!!

Not the Athena flashbacks. Please leave her alone.

Athena is so so so so badass. Like wow ma'am. You are so awesome. Did you guys see how fast she took the gun out?????????? The speed????????

Fuck. Fuck. It's going to be the flight that Athena takes with which the other plane is going to crash right. It's definitely going to be that one.

Ok weird movie guy. Why do you give me the creeps. I feel like he's gonna haunt us somehow, later in the season.

Ok I feel really really bad for buck. He has worked hard for where is today and he doesn't deserve everything that Gerrard is saying.

Ohhhhh he saved him. Ok ig

I knew it!!! I knew it was gonna be Athena's plane. I knew it!! ( But at what cost )

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞 (& i love your new icon!)

Thank you! Spooky Bobby my beloved!

81 for 🪞:

---

“That’s a good call,” Eddie nods.

“So, thanks for not brushing it off,” Buck says. 

“Why would I brush it off?” Eddie asks. “I do love her. She’s a sweetheart and she makes you so happy.”

Buck’s chest does that little fluttery thing it’s been doing more and more around Eddie lately. Like his body wants something his brain knows he can’t have. 

“Thank you,” he says, ignoring it.

Eddie nods. “Of course. Now, should we get set up?”

“Pumpkins and a fuck ton of newspaper are already on the table.”

▪️▪️▪️

Like a lot of days lately, it ends up being another one that feels close to perfect. 

Dove finds the gutting process of the pumpkin more thrilling than the actual carving, which is probably good, because only Eddie’s ends up looking very good. Buck is not a natural at this. They roast the seeds, and make them into a snack, which Buck is much more useful at. It’s all good fun, filled with laughter and once again, more photos than Buck realizes he’s taking. 

If the fourth chair at Buck’s kitchen table keeps glaring at him, he tries not to think too hard about it.

It’s the one thing in life that he really can’t do anything about. 

iv.

Bobby returning to the 118 only makes everything that much better for Buck. To be fair, he’d gotten the biggest break away from Gerrard by taking parental leave. So his suffering was interrupted, unlike everyone else. Especially Chim, who became Gerrard’s replacement go-to guy to scrub the crapper in Buck’s absence. 

But now Bobby is back and Gerrard is gone. Mara is back home with Hen and Karen. The morale at the 118 is significantly improved. Work is fun again. Just another part of his life that is settling into a sense of rightness. 

One morning, towards the end of a twenty-four hour shift, Carla brings Dove by the station. The same way she used to do with Christopher. Except, Chris never arrived red-faced and teary-eyed. Dove, in contrast, shows up completely miserable.

“Someone had a bit of a rough night,” Carla says when Buck meets them in the engine bay. “I think she needs her daddy.”

Buck has to stifle a visible reaction to the use of that word. He swallows back a thick, nervous sort of emotion, and crouches in front of Dove.

“What’s wrong, Dove?” He asks.

She doesn’t answer. Just reaches out her arms for him with a pretty devastating pout. He doesn’t think she’s really done anything like this, outside of that night of the fire, or when she was sick with the stomach flu. So something is wrong. 

Buck pulls her into his arms and lifts. As he hoists her up, straightening his body out to stand again, she tucks her head in between his collarbone and chin. Like she’s using him as a place to hide. Again, not really the way they usually hug.

“It’s all okay,” he tries to reassure her. Then he looks at Carla. “What happened?”

“Nightmares,” Carla explains. “A few over the course of the night. She’s tired.”

“Oh, sweetie,” he says. “I’m sorry. Nightmares are the worst.”

“I want you to come home,” she whines into his neck. 

Eesh. Well, he supposes there’s not long left in the shift. But he also isn’t sure if this is a great precedent to set. He doesn’t know the right thing to do. 

“Dove, honey,” Carla says. “He’ll come home soon. You get to see him now.”

Buck turns slightly to see Bobby watching them from the top of the mezzanine. He shoots him a questioning sort of look. A desperate sort of look. Bobby seems to understand. He gives Buck a sympathetic smile and nod. Buck exhales, relieved.

“Okay, Dove,” Buck says. “I can’t come home right now, but I do have another idea.”

“What is it?” She asks. 

“This is a really special idea,” he says. “Something that can only happen when it’s really important, okay?”

“Okay,” she mumbles. 

“I think if we ask my captain really nicely,” Buck says. “He’ll let you hang out here for the rest of my shift.”

“Really?” She asks. 

[eddiebabygirldiaz]

oooh getting high/fwb and s2 angsty sex? 👀

getting high/fwb is my most recent wip and it's beloved to me and should actually be out soon! basically buck and eddie fall into a fwb arrangement bc they are idiots and then one night they are at buck's loft chilling because they have a few days off and they get high which leads to some messy conversations, inadequate love confessions, and sloppy sex

here's a snip:

Buck smiles at Eddie, baring his teeth and gums, and releases Eddie’s thigh to waggle his fingers in Eddie’s face.

An inelegant snort rips out of Eddie right before he leans forward to playfully bite at Buck’s fingers. Buck yelps and yanks his hand back, glowering at Eddie.

Eddie gives him a lazy shrug in response, all loose and unrestrained the way Buck likes him best. His crooked grin stays on his face, like it’s a permanent thing he couldn’t ever hope to get rid of, and jerks his chin toward the blunt as Buck brings it to his mouth again.

“You gonna let me have a taste?” Eddie asks.

Buck nearly replies, Of the weed? Or of me?

He doesn’t though. Mostly because his tongue feels too thick to produce words but also because he thinks he knows the answer based solely on the look in Eddie’s eyes that seems to scream both and all of it and everything.

Of course, Buck could be seeing what he wants to see, dangerously induced by the weed to see something in Eddie that would mean they are on the same page, that Buck isn’t alone in this, that his expansive and indefinable want actually has a match.

His mind works through it all with a painful degree of slowness as if attempting to capture the image of an Eddie who might feel the same so that Buck can look at it later. Unfortunately, this means that there is a too long pause after Eddie’s question which Eddie must take to mean that Buck is hesitant about sharing.

Sharing has never been something Buck has hesitated over but it has gotten him in a lot of trouble before. Still, Eddie should know Buck will always give him what he asks.

Eddie raises a very judgy eyebrow and pokes Buck’s cheek. “Afraid I got cooties or somethin’?”

and s2 angsty sex is an old wip me and beloved jenwyn cooked up that is basically a s2 rewrite where buck and eddie are having sex and develop feelings but then shannon comes back and doesn't die so there are...complications

here's a snip!

Eddie wants him.

Buck shouldn’t play into it. He should walk away right now.

It would be stupid to flirt with Eddie. It would be stupid to start something like this with a coworker that he can’t stand.

But Buck isn’t the best at doing the smart thing, and he’s even worse at doing what is good for himself, so he takes that raging fire burning inside of him and plies it with the image of Eddie. He rakes his eyes over Eddie, his floppy hair, his dark brown eyes, his flushed cheeks, the stubble covering his jaw, the slick sweat sliding down his muscles, the way his chest starts to heave the closer Buck gets.

Eddie is infuriating and arrogant and confident and so damn gorgeous and he’s here. He’s right here and despite how much he is clearly exasperated with Buck, desire is painted across his face, stark and bright like the violent brushstroke of red against a white canvas. He’s looking at Buck like a drowning man looks at the shore and it strokes a soothing hand over the ugly, desperate creature lurking in his chest.

For the first time since Abby left, Buck feels. It’s something other than pain, something deliciously hot and vibrant and it settles within the hole of his chest all snug and comfortable. Buck has chased the feeling of being wanted his whole life and smug Eddie Diaz is right here unknowingly handing it to Buck and Buck has never been able to turn something like this down.

ask me about my wips

[mr-and-mr-diaz]

so i’ve been thinking about it for an additional five minutes and here’s what i’ve got and its kinda blowing my mind. Each person in buck’s life either had a Moment with him either in the coma dream or at his real life bedside, with a few noted exceptions. I’ll explain:

Chimney: coma dream, and MY GOD did they make good use of him here. As the guy who is always first to believe in The Crazy he was PERFECT to be the guy who’s like “yeah alright, one ticket to the crazy train.” I’m sorry but Buck proving that he knew him by knowing why he’s called Chimney had me lollling

Hen: Sceptic. And in the coma dream as the milder voice of reason. Funny, and good at keeping things moving. She and Chimney were also great to have in imaginary land since they are the ones who are the most stable without Buck in their lives, likely because of how much they stabilize each other

Maddie: In the coma dream and IRL, but coma!Maddie is essentially Maddie from season 2. Literally heart breaking. Speaking of, my heart is still not over the way she saw the firefighter at the door and simply said “which one”

Athena and May: Buck’s (let’s face it) step-mom and by association, step sister. They’re in real life because without Bobby there, they don’t ever have much to do with him. They understand clear as day that Buck is Bobby’s other son, and they accepted it ages ago, to the point they find it amusing every step Bobby takes to realize it himself. (Back to Bobby in a moment.)

Eddie and Christopher: They’re of course in IRL because without Buck intervening as he does they wouldn’t have a place in his life or in each other lives (pause so i can SCREEEEEEEEEAM about this) In real life, they’re begging him to come back--or more accurately, Chris is, while Eddie stands silently behind him, barely able to see Buck and crying his eyes out. I think when Eddie wasn’t initially fighting for Chris to see Buck all Hospitalled Up, as it were, is because Eddie didn’t think Chris could handle it. The real truth of the matter is Eddie couldn’t handle it. We saw it ourselves--Chris was shaken, but able to pull himself together enough to say his piece and beg Buck to come back into their lives (insert couch metaphor here, y’all make it fit). Eddie could barely look at the bed, and when he did, his eyes filled with tears and he couldn’t speak. Eddie in the coma dream exists, is mentioned, but he’s lost in his anger, doesn’t have his life-lines to reach out for, is missing the man who has his back, and because of that lost everything. These two men truly are unanchored without each other, and without their son (yeah I said it, sue me), are missing a key element that makes their family a family.

Now Bobby. Bobby is the most notable one who is both there irl and in Buck’s coma dream. The man who entered his second marriage with a son he didn’t fully realize he had, though now he’s definitely realized it. The man who is dead without Buck in his life. Who stayed alive because one pesky kid had the gall to work his pesky way under Bobby’s skin and stressed him out enough to look after him and care and not stop caring until he had a whole goddamn family in his hands, both with Athena and at the 118. I’m still struggling to fully feel all the feels here and btw I think we need to take a moment to give MAD PROPS to Peter Krause for his turn as dead addict Bobby because he was fantastic.

It’s interesting, because for some reason in my head, I expected Buck’s coma dream to actually be really pleasant and happy and the lesson he learns is that life is hard but you gotta do it anyway and you’ll be rewarded for hard work. The coma dream was very different--twisted and, for all that Buck was in it, it was missing him like an open wound. I didn’t realize it right away, but Coma Buck is the Buck that’s born for parts, the Evan Buckley that Buck sees himself as in his own head. 

It’s the Buck that can’t help but reach out to help, that desperately tries over and over again to be the support that he himself is desperate for, that has irrevocably changed lives, with his worn heart out on his sleeve, collecting people that care about it without him really realizing, and in return making them care more about themselves, that makes Buck truly who he is, and makes his actual reality what it is. And that’s goddamn beautiful.

Please add your thoughts to this, my brain is still expanding

@loveyourownsmiilee @blutterlie @matan4il

[elgascreamslikehell]

So, as long as i have insomnia (it's hard to find a mental issue I don't have rn, i mean I'm fucking Ash Ketchum but with mental issues instead of Pokemon's, catch them all, bitch)

I started a new story!

To basically scratch every itch i still have. I know basically all the main events in this story, i still can't decide if i want a happy ending or DEATH ANGST SUFFERING cause i love me some angst but i kinda want it to be nice in the very end? Somebody should be happy it's definitely not me then at least it should be my favourite fictional characters.

Anyway.

WIP WEDNESDAY!

‘Hey, Eddie!’, - Buck is smiling like today is not Monday. Buck really has this sweet smile which Eddie used to like… in the past. He remembers vividly the exact moment he decided he doesn't like this smile anymore. ‘She sees me’.  The exact moment his heart collapsed. Apparently though, ‘she saw him’ for not too long. For an even shorter period than Eddie himself tried - and hell he did try hard - to build something with Marisol which was obviously just a desperate attempt to distract himself from the sad truth. Where the truth was - he loved Evan fucking Buckley. His path to accept his queerness was hard enough. His path to accept that he is close to fail his friendship was brutal. He, anyhow, managed to deal with all of this. At least he was pretty sure he did. And now Buck just smiles at him. Like nothing even happened. Like he didn't smash Eddie's heart with three words. ‘Are you going with us to the bar after work? I want you all to meet someone!’. Eddie grins: ‘Of course. I hope it's nice someone this time’ To be honest, Eddie doesn't give a damn, who this person is. But he can play pretend perfectly. Even with Buck. Okay, especially with Buck. And where did 'you shouldn't pretend with me' go? *** ‘So, who do you think Buck would introduce?’, - Hen is pouring beer but she looks directly at Eddie. He doesn't like it though. ‘I have no idea…’, - and not that he wants to know. And why does Hen think he knows? ‘We haven't discussed his adventures much, so I'm in the same position as you are’ Hen's face is unimpressed: ‘Well, I hardly doubt it. I mean you and Buck…’, - Eddie interrupts her: ‘Are friends. Lately not even close ones i think… Why don't you ask Chim? He's his brother-in-law, he should know’ Hen stares at Eddie's face for a minute searching for something with no success: ‘Ok, if you say so’, - she's definitely not convinced but at least she stopped questioning him, switched to Chim. Apparently, he also doesn't know anything.  When Buck's entering the bar and Eddie sees him - his heart collapses again. It's getting annoying but he can't do anything with it. Because there's Buck, looking damn gorgeous, and… there's this guy, having his hand on Buck's waist. And Buck smiles. ‘So, guys… meet Sam!’ And here goes this specific pause when everything just stopps and all the sound go down, this pause needs to be broken immediately. And Eddie is the one who breaks it with: 'Well, better than I expected. Nice to meet you ', - and he is the first to shake this guy's hand. Right under the sympathetic glances of Hen and Chimney. Very sympathetic. Very uncomfortable.  He can manage this, right? He just has to.

I won't tag anyone cause today I feel like everyone hate me cause i hate myself but I'll be creating a taglist from interaction to this post.

I still write mostly because my mind needs to be away from reality, so I'll be writing anyway and spamming your feed so if it bothers you (i mean i mostly post writings and memes so i have some questions) you can ignore my writing tag.

[annieontheside]

BUDDIE FICS RECS: ONE CHAPTER EDITION

hey, I'm back. i'm procrastinating the last part of my assignment so here are my recommendations for this weekend! hope you have a good time reading these:

Only Child of the Universe (Until I Found You). By: HMSLusitania. we all need Eddie with a cat. he’s SO a dad cat. we all can see it. this is perfect. it has a lot of fluff (not the cat, the fanfic), and buddie getting together. take it or leave it (take it, it’s the best decision you will take today). https://archiveofourown.org/works/33544489

This Earth is Burned But I’ll Sing Rain. By: HMSLusitania. oh boy. guess what. buck is injured (*people groan*). and eddie is sad and desperate because his boy is in a coma!! it’s 50% angst and 50% fluff. totally something to read while you wait for your taxi, or while you wait for the noodles to cook, or while you ignore all the college assignments you have to do! https://archiveofourown.org/works/39288816

Why can’t I Breathe whenever I think About You? By: HMSLusitania. God you have no idea how much I laughed while reading this. is short but it seriously will make your day. it’s just buck and eddie being the oblivious idiots they are. I love them so much. https://archiveofourown.org/works/39667098

Wait For It. By: oliviacirce. uhu. my god. basically: porn. but it’s more than that because we also have buddie realizing their feelings, which is always welcome if it comes with the hand of smut, orgasm denial and a lot of other things that buddie SHOULD look into but they refuse to because they’re idiots! anyway, enjoy it. https://archiveofourown.org/works/48469546

my evergreen. By: colonoscopys. oh my god another girl dad buddie! how did you get in here? ANYWAY in this one, we have domestic fluff (hell yeah), we have buddie pining AND realizing their feelings (slowly, reaaaaally slowly. so slow snails laugh in their faces. but its worthy). https://archiveofourown.org/works/38870445

keep my brittle heart warm (give me peace). By: extasiswings. girl dad buddie? anyone? does anyone want any girl dad buddie? awesome because this is IT. you’ll seriously die of cuteness with it. we have fluff, angst (a bit), eddie rethinking everything about being a dad and a son (because obviously). it’s a good read, actually. really nice. https://archiveofourown.org/works/32860312

No thing defines a man like love that makes him soft. By: justhockey. oh boy. chris will be the dead of buck and we all know it. just a bit of overhearing conversations and chris being three steps ahead of both buck and eddie. we all love buck and no one is allowed to not love him. https://archiveofourown.org/works/46444471

opened our eyes and it’s changing the view. By: markofalover. you know how i said chris is three steps ahead of buddie? yeah that also applies here. basically chris writes a poem for school and makes two grown ass men cry. and me, he made me cry. https://archiveofourown.org/works/37337218

I know you’re hurting (but so am I). By justhockey. I’m a WHORE for protective Eddie. And after reading this, so will you. A sneak peek:  “...But let me be very clear about this: if you ever lay a hand on him again, me and you are gonna have some problems, Chim.” https://archiveofourown.org/works/34457893

[andavs]

9-1-1 based Men in Black AU?

My first thought is that Buck and Eddie are going to be known as Agents “BnE” which is hilarious.

My second thought is that MIB agents don’t technically exist, and I made myself sad thinking about how Chris factors into that. Obviously Eddie is the one doing the whole K thing and checking up on his son through satellites and desperately wishing he could be there with him. But how did they become separated and why does Eddie stay away? 

Maybe he and Chris got caught up as innocent bystanders in a MIB/alien mess. They aren’t injured but plenty of people are, so Eddie with his military medic training and stellar record tries to help the situation. He helps an injured alien, not realizing they aren’t human until he’s keeping them from bleeding out blue goo and he has no idea what’s going on but he’s not going to let them die if he can help.

The alien dies, but gives Eddie something important right before. Maybe something that locks onto him so only he can use it and he can’t hand it off to the MIB and walk away. It’s the key to saving the world, because of course it is.

And to be extra angsty, MIB neuralyzes everyone on the scene so as far as anyone's concerned, Eddie was killed in a big mass casualty accident, so Chris is living with Eddie’s parents and it kills him every day that he can’t be with him yet. Because either he saves the world, or the world ends and then it doesn’t really matter anyway. (In his more pessimistic moments, he wants to say fuck it and go find Chris anyway, because the world is going to end either way and he should at least be with his son when it happens.)

So MIB recruits him to save the world and he gets paired up with Buck. I feel like Buck should be the alien tech guy who’s trying to figure out this thing the alien gave Eddie and how it works exactly. First he tries to disconnect it from Eddie so he can forget everything and go home, but then they accept that they’re both going to have to see this thing through and work together. Buck’s the one who first shows Eddie how to check on Chris from afar, because he also keeps tabs on Maddie.

Hen and Chim (H and C) are obviously partners and a legendary team. Athena (A or maybe Alpha to be cool like Zed) is in charge of the LA office, and Bobby (R) is the one who actually manages the agents, sending out teams.

Meanwhile in Texas, Chris runs away from home to find his dad because he wasn’t totally neuralyzed and remembers seeing his dad alive and helping people. He remembers seeing something not quite human, and the therapists keep saying it’s a way for him to process his grief but he knows. And he knows that his dad needs help because his dad said he’d never leave him again, and his dad never lies.

And then it turns out the gadget isn’t directly tied to only Eddie, but it also works for Chris, and Chris is the one who saves the world in the end. And then Eddie and Chris hug and cry under a clear, starry night sky in the California desert, and Buck realizes he’s kind of in love with this tiny family and wants to stay with them forever.

The only problem is that Eddie and Chris need to leave MIB and then they won't remember him anymore. And maybe Buck could ask for a new life close to them after being neuralyzed, but MIB is all Buck has and leaving and starting all over again alone is a terrifying thought.

But! After they save the world and while Eddie and Chris are finishing up at the MIB office, getting ready to leave for the last time, Buck checks in on Maddie. Just to make sure she’s alright because it was a close one, and he finds that she’s no longer in Boston with Doug. She’s right there in LA, looking for her little brother whose postcards abruptly stopped coming and she’s determined to find him.

And then maybe the whole gang decides to retire together because Bobby and Athena have been doing this job for way too long but they’ve had this office romance that they don’t want to lose.

Chim meets Maddie after she finds Buck and they’re immediately smitten with each other.

Turns out Eddie's pretty into Buck too, and Chris thinks he's the coolest person ever. Maddie's finally back in his life and she doesn't plan on leaving ever again. He's not really starting over alone like he thought he would be, and suddenly leaving the MIB doesn't seem quite so scary.

And then Hen’s got a big ole crush on the rocket scientist who got caught up in this end of the world nonsense.

A big neuralyzer flash, and they’re all first responders, totally oblivious to the extraterrestrial chaos going on around them. But late at night when Buck and Eddie are asleep, Chris likes to sneak out into the yard and look up at the stars and wave to the MIB agents keeping an eye on them. (Back at MIB headquarters, Ravi always waves back.)

[buddiebeginz]

I feel exactly the same way. Some couples I read fics about I can see them as either or but when it comes to Buck and Eddie and a/b/o fics I definitely see Eddie as the alpha and Buck the omega.

I think Buck has a desperate need to feel protected and loved because he didn’t get that from his parents and too often he’s been abandoned by his partners. Buck is also someone who can take charge in the craziest situations and jump in without fear especially for his own life. He’s also had to make it on his own for a long long time before the 118. What he needs is someone like Eddie to take control sometimes especially when he’s not making the best decisions for himself. He needs Eddie to make him feel loved and safe and to give him that true home he never had.

Eddie I think needs to be the one in control most of the time. I think when he’s taking care of the people he loves he’s most content we see it in scenes with him and Chris and then again with him and Buck (like when Buck came over after the lightening strike). Given how much control has been taken from Eddie at different times: his parents trying to take Chris and later trying to get him to move, Eddie’s issues with his dad, so much stuff with Shannon. Eddie I think also felt helpless for everything going on with Chris when he was born. Feeling like he didn’t do enough to help his friends in the army, his ptsd and panic attacks.

I think his relationship with Buck gives him back some of that control and it really just brings balance to his life. You see it in scenes where Buck comes to him for advice. Even in small ways they communicate how Eddie always laughs at Bucks jokes (even when no one else does) or praises Buck because he knows he needs to hear it. You see it in a lot of the ways they work together on rescue missions how Buck is often looking to Eddie for reassurance.

There was the ep in s5 when they were kidnapped Eddie was the one guiding Buck through it and it helped keep Eddie calm. You can even see it during the shooting when Eddie is worried Buck was shot. He’s protective over Buck even when he’s at his most vulnerable. You can also see it in less obvious scenes like in s5 when Eddie was struggling with his mental health and Buck was taking care of him, like an omega would his alpha. Like think of that scene where Eddie is looking at the hearts Buck made for Chris’s homework.

I mean if some see them the other way around that’s cool to each their own but I love me some alpha!Eddie and omega!Buck I need like a million more abo buddie fics.

I know that since all this talk about "I'm a nester, I nest" there's been an uptake on omega Eddie headcanons but,,,, I simply don't buy into it I'm sorry.

I look at this dude and I see him continuously putting his hand proprietarily on where Buck's supposed scent gland is again and again and again, who basically gloats every time Buck breaks up with someome, and I'm like that is possessive alpha if I ever saw one.

He nests, sure, but it started out of necessity. The way he needs to have a home for Chris and before as a way to keep Shannon in but then it all crumbled into ashes,,, and so he had to try again. He doesn't have any type of examples for this besides his abuela and he explicitly doesn't want to follow his parent's way (which would prolly be all about gender roles) and so he takes it in and creates his nest again with the 118 and specifically Buck.

Buck who he's so jealous and proprietary on, who he basically all but shoved into the half broken nest he had at the start. Buck who is big and clumbsy and very much not at all what an omega should look like, but he behaves like one, he tilts his body towards Eddie's touch constantly, and seeks him for protection and comfort. And it's Buck the one who builts the nest to perfection, who keeps it warm and comfortable who repairs it and fills it with his love and care.

So yeah. You'll pry Alpha Eddie and Omega Buck from my cold dead hands.

[like-the-rest-of-la]

Eddie suprising buck after he said that he could change that by saying 'try me' while scooting closer to him

OGJDFKJDKFJKD I can see it omg... okay, okay in continuation of this post by @clusterbuck , I offer you:

"Try me."

Buck’s eyes widen, his breath hitches – and he might be gaping like a fish. Because it started out as a joke – just a little bit of Buckley-patented teasing and flirting that he falls into sometimes. The type of flirting that’s always more joke than anything else, he’d thrown a stupid exaggarated wink in there just for good measure. Except, recently it has started to turn into something else, something a lot more sincere. And it’s becoming a problem.

Because after months of putting in the work, Eddie and Buck are finally at a good place. Buck is single again, Eddie is back at the 118 and he’d actually say, they‘re spending more time together than ever. Everything’s great and Buck doesn’t want to risk that. He's lived through weeks of Eddie’s absense and distance, and he kind of never wants to do it again. He likes the person he is when Eddie’s in his life a lot more than than the one he becomes when Eddie’s not there. So he can’t – won‘t do anything to jeopardise this.

Now, if he could get the part of him that‘s set on ruining it all under control, that would be nice. Because six weeks ago – during a game of pool, right when Eddie was about to take a shot, Buck’s brain happily supplied him with a, 'mmh, yeah, I sure would like to bend you over that table' – and it hasn’t shut up ever since: Eddie’s washing the dishes and all Buck can think is 'mmmh hands', Eddie’s  folding laundry, and – 'arms', Eddie is walking up the stairs to the loft at the station – and it’s 'fucking thighs and oh my god what an ass'.

The thing is, if it was just attraction – he would have been able to deal with it. But it isn’t. Because it’s also Eddie playing a game with Chris, Eddie helping a stranger carry their groceries to their car, Eddie laughing at something Buck said until he’s crying happy tears, just Eddie being happy – and Buck knows that unfortunately, Eddie’s big fucking heart is doing it for him as well. It‘s not simply attraction, it’s a four letter word that Buck is desperately trying to ignore. 

Basically, he’s fucked. Is it a little bit masochistic when he hides the truth in these little moments of haha-funny-of-course-it’s-not-serious flirting and his teasing jokes, because it’s the only place where he can express what he actually wants? Maybe.

But now Eddie is looking at him like that, like this whole thing might mean something more to him, too. His jaw juts out, and somehow Buck sees it for what it is: a little bit of false bravado, nerves really, because the tone of the sentence he just muttered didn’t feel like the continuation of a joke at all, but more like an honest suggestion. 

Eddie’s knee nudges against his, and the back of Buck’s neck warms, his skin tingles. His brain is trying to catch up, but it’s particularily slow right now and the part of it that usually screams to proceed with caution in any situation where Eddie and his own feelings are involved, is silenced by the way Eddie’s gaze finds him and by how his eyes dart to Buck’s lips and back.

So, Buck reaches up, and with a thumb against Eddie‘s cheeks he pulls his face towards him. For a second he feels the puff of a hot breath against his mouth and then Eddie’s lips are on his. Just like that. A shudder travels through Buck’s entire body because this is better than anything he ever imagined. He’s never been kissed like this. Because Eddie kisses like he wants him, sure, but, also– like he’s something precious, valuable, extraordinairy. Like he’s loved.

When they finally pull back, they look at each other, smiling, their lips wet, pink and a little bit swollen, and Buck can’t believe his luck. Then he starts grinning.

"So, are you going to tell me now?"

A laugh stumbles out of Eddie‘s mouth and it’s a fucking beautiful sound. Buck’s grin widens.

Eddie pretends to think about it and then goes, "Nah, but maybe if you try again?"

And well, Buck is happy to do just that.

[capseycartwright]

"I am fed up with half-measures. I deserve better." (Got huge buddie and malex vibes from this one 👀)

ao3 link

The last thing Eddie expected to find at his door was Buck, of all people – not because Buck was an unusual fixture in his home; no, because Buck was supposed to be on a date.

Eddie had been trying his best for weeks now, to be the dutiful best friend, and support Buck’s relationship with Taylor – regardless of how much he wished Buck wasn’t dating anyone else – and it was hard. It was hard, and so Eddie was halfway through a tub of his favourite flavour of ice-cream (the excessively expensive one Buck had introduced him to, the one Eddie only bought when he knew Christopher wasn’t home). He’d also cracked open a bottle of wine Hen and Karen had given him as a thank you for babysitting Denny, one Saturday afternoon (he’d made a mental note to thank Karen – the woman had good taste in wine) and so Eddie was well settled in for an evening of feeling sorry for himself while Christopher was at a sleepover party.

Until – well, Buck decided to bang his door in.

Tucking his ice-cream into the crook of his arm, Eddie raised an eyebrow. “You have a key,” he reminded, looking a frazzled Buck up and down. He was clearly dressed for a date – wearing that blue striped shirt that made Eddie’s mouth water, a neat jacket over the top – but he was also clearly not on said date.

“I have had the worst day,” Buck declared dramatically, kicking his sneakers off in the hallway, brow furrowing as he noticed the bottle of wine on the table. “Do you have company?” he asked, clearly confused – Ana was long gone, to be fair, their relationship having ended weeks previously.

Eddie swallowed, glancing down at his very sad outfit of a pair of raggedy old sweatpants, and a grubby sweatshirt that had definitely seen better days – Eddie wasn’t a sentimental man, really, but Christopher always called it Eddie’s cuddliest sweatshirt, so Eddie didn’t have the heart to throw it out.

“No,” he reassured. “I don’t.”

“Wine, though?”

“Are you questioning my methods of self-care?” Eddie retorted. “I like wine, sue me.”

“All wine tastes the same,” Buck sighed, throwing himself on the couch, reaching for the bottle.

“You can have a glass,” Eddie intervened. “But I will kick you out of my house if you drink directly from that bottle, Buck. I’d like to pretend I have some level of class,” he sighed, padding into the kitchen and grabbing another wine glass – a set Abuela had bought him, when he’d moved to LA. “So,” he said, setting the glass down on the coffee table, pausing to take a scoop of his slowly melting ice-cream before he continued. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or are we going to play charades?”

Buck rolled his eyes, but took the wine glass, all the same, pouring himself a generous measure. He took a swig, before he spoke, raising an eyebrow. “Did you pick this out?” he questioned, no doubt thinking back to the evening where Eddie had been in charge of getting wine for their family dinner and had accidentally bought cooking wine. It was an easy mistake to have made, if you asked Eddie.

Eddie shook his head. “Present from Karen and Hen,” he clarified. “Stop deflecting.”

“I broke up with Taylor,” and oh, if Eddie hadn’t been waiting to hear those words for so long.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie tried, because he couldn’t look that happy about it, could he? It would give the game away – and in so many ways, Eddie was convinced his feelings were obvious, that he’d given the game away a long time ago, but Buck had never mentioned it.

“I’m not,” Buck looked furious, again. “I – we had this nice date planned, right? We made sure to pick a night where we were both off, where she doesn’t need to be in work early tomorrow, and I’m off, so we could get breakfast, too – really spend some time together,” he explained. “And I got to the restaurant and I waited, and I waited, and I waited for a fucking hour, Eddie, and nothing – no text, no call from her. I was sitting there, spiralling, wondering if she was – if she was dead, or something. Right? So, after an hour, I decided I was going to pass by the news station, and see what was happening, and do you know what she said?”

Eddie shook his head.

“That she’d told her intern to call me and cancel our date, because a story came up,” Buck practically spat. “I mean, is she serious? And like – I love that she has a career she loves, because she gets how I feel about being a firefighter, but she does this all the time and I just never feel like I’m even getting close to the top of her priority list. So, I – I asked her, if I was ever going to be something she prioritised over work, and she said no.”

Eddie winced. “She was honest, at least,” he tried.

“Totally,” Buck agreed. “And I appreciate the honesty – really – and it’s not like it ended on bad terms. We just didn’t want the same thing out of a relationship, and I’m not going to resent her for it. But – fuck, this is nice wine by the way – I am fed up with half-measures, Eddie,” he sighed, slumping back on the couch. “I deserve better.”

Eddie swallowed thickly. Buck did deserve better – and Eddie wasn’t going to sit here and pretend as though he was better, as though he knew he could be boyfriend of the year and give Buck everything he needed. But – Eddie loved him, and surely, surely that had to be enough? It had to be enough to love someone so much it felt like your love for them was etched into the very bones of who you were? Eddie so badly wanted to be enough.

“I wouldn’t,” Eddie said quietly, suddenly conscious of the melting ice-cream he was still gripping tightly. It had cost eleven dollars, he reminded – he should probably put it back in the freezer.

Buck looked at him, utterly confused. “What?”

“I wouldn’t love you in half-measures,” Eddie wasn’t sure where he was finding the bravery, to finally say it, to tell Buck how he felt, but somehow, somewhere, he’d found a bravery he wasn’t sure he’d ever had before. He had thought he’d be spending the rest of his life trundling along, desperately in love with a best friend who didn’t love him back. Eddie had accepted it, almost – because having Buck as a friend was better than not having Buck at all.

Buck’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes wide, and excited. “How would you love me, Eddie?” he asked, his voice soft, and trembling – the only giveaway that he felt as nervous as Eddie did, there and then, dangling on the precipice of something new, and wonderful.

“Forever,” Eddie said. “I’d love you forever, Buck.”

(And when Buck kissed him – he tasted like wine, and Eddie knew he tasted like wine, and Buck’s shirt was soft, under tentative fingertips as Eddie reached out to hold him the way he’d so desperately wanted to for so long, and –

Well, it felt like the beginning of forever.)

send me a prompt from this list