#also i saw this post like a day or two ago so dont quote me on any of this i just am pondering

[himbopunk]

i saw a post about missing back when da games didnt point out your romance dialogue choices and just gave you a list oft hings to say not knowing one of them is romantic cuz it felt more realistic or whatever and it just reminds me of how until i started engaging da fandom stuff in like early-mid 2014 id played thru most of origins without having any clue that romance was a feature in that game. like i didnt know it was a thing you could Do. i knew once i started da2 obv, i think i started around the time i actually started to see ppl talk about dragon age online and then i went back and replayed origins.

that being said idk if i necessarily agree or disagree with op cuz they were like, its fine sometimes you say something a little flirty and lead someone on etc by accident and my first instinct is just okay then don't be a pussy just click the heart anyways. if you dont mind potentially cancelling an unintended romance & the heart is the nice thing you wanna say then do it. & like i get what they mean cuz sometimes its about stumbling into the discovery of a character romance & the limitations of older games in general did often result in a lot more moments of like. Interesting discovery like that. i think people playing rpgs nowadays need to let go a bit but i do understand that some things make doing so a bit more fluid ig. idk

[mayearies]

✰ RECORD BOY

miles morales loves music but he loves you more. genre: fluff

warnings: rio and me are married (correction: every person with the last name 'morales' is married to me) a/n: dont come at me yes i know his birthday was a week ago but i had this idea and i just 😭 i had to write it plus i didnt give him a proper happy birthday so 😢 pretend i posted this on his actual birthday ALSO RIO CONTENT YAYAAYAYAY

one of maye's personal favorites :D

e1610 miles had been your boyfriend for a while, and today was his special day. you contemplated for a while what your gift would be for him. he was the best you've ever had. of course he deserved the best gift ever. sooner or later, the answer was given to you.

—you politely knocked on the door of the morales household with a box wrapped in wrapping paper and tied with a bow. specifically black and red, cause y'know. rio opened the door and a smile lit up on her face. not like the sarcastic one she had when she first met you.

"hi, hun. you here for miles?"

as you stepped in, the room smelled of vanilla and ink? weird combo, yeah? "mhm, just wanted to swing by and say a quick 'happy birthday' to him."

"oh, that's sweet. he's in his room. ¿quieres un cupcake?" "oh! n-no, gracias."

considering how often you visited miles, you tended to pick up some spanish from his mom, which she gladly taught you. rio treated you like you were a close friend, which made miles happy to say the least. "i see your spanish has improved."

"yeah, thanks ms. morales." "of course! you're special person in my son's life, i owe it to you."

♡ well, you thought that was a little too high of a praise. it felt like the morales' were givers. like if someone were to do something for them which they said was small or no big deal, they would take it to an extent. it's something you would think about time to time. nonetheless, they were grateful of how trusting you were.

you pushed the cracked door of miles' room and found him where he always was—at his desk drawing in his sketchbook with his headphones on, humming along. you wonder how hard you fell for him when you first met.

you tapped his shoulder lightly, disturbing his quote on quote singing, he smiled brightly when he saw you. "hey, love."

he engulfed you into a big hug. his shirt was cozy and he smelled sweet. "baby! you came!"

"of course i did! how could i miss your birthday?" "you missed valentines day-" "hush."

miles clearly eyed the box as you asked him how he was doing. he gave short answers and sometimes ask you to repeat what you said. you sighed with a playful smile, "you wanna know what's in the present, don't you?"

"yes pleaseee."

you two sat on his bed and miles gently untied the bow and ripped the wrapping paper. the look on his face once he saw what was inside was nothing short of surprise. you smiled as he looked over to you with a shocked face. "you're serious?"

"uh huh. happy birthday, spidey."

♡ you went down to the record store and bought roughly around half a hundred worth of albums. of course knowing miles loves music basically to death, you knew all of his favorite artists. tyler the creator, brent faiyaz, pinkpantheress, bryson tiller, sza, to name a few. you had to get him albums for his record player.

miles sighed and changed his tone into somewhat more whiney as he put his head on you lap. "noo, don't do this to me, amor. i can't accept these."

"too bad, accept them." "but i don't even use my record player anymore! i know you are not out here buying me $20 albums on vinyl, ma." "it's fine, i'll make back the money. and let's put that record player to good use, yeah?" "... god, i love you and your persistence. makes you hotter in my opinion." "that's cause i know what you like."

♡ you took him to the rooftop and danced with him until sunset where you just sang songs together. it was the best birthday miles had so far, spending it with his favorite person. that person used to be a stranger.

"happy birthday, my record boy♡"

© mayeluvsu

[angelsstranger]

not to bitch and moan but today i (he/him tme transsexual dyke) remember my transmasc roommate of days past and the time he saw me wearing a skirt and said “if i dressed like that I would want to kill myself”

always sort of insinuating that a “real” trans person couldn’t be gender nonconforming..

and eventually of course devolving into the “trans women actually have more privilege than me somehow and i feel threatened by them” which turned into “in the future i dont want to live with AMABs again” yes that second one is a direct quote there was so much more to the convo it ended our friendship quite abruptly and messily.

but my point being transmascs using their own dysphoria and their bigotry they inherited from their family as a weapon against trans women is soo much more common than you think it is. this person was supposedly a leftist and was friends with/trying to date many trans women at the time. it unsettled me how he would imply he found these women untrustworthy at the time but also he approached specifically trans women again and again looking for their patience nurturing and support even asking them for money and favors. before again pivoting and returning to the i think shes a bit TOO into me and its creeping me out.

my takeaway was basically it is your responsibility to tell trans women if they are seeing or hanging out with someone who says terfy shit behind their back. protect your community to make sure nobody has to experience that type of violence (to be clear the violence im referring to here is: someone trans or cis who wants to date/sleep with trans women but continues to imply trans women are dangerous or untrustworthy, eventually discarding each woman they bring into their life for vague reasons which all stem back to transmisogyny)

i was so distracted by how every time i tried to discuss with HIM the harm he caused he would break down cryinf about how fragile he is and all the trauma in his life and i was hesitant to let my friends know the transphobic things he said about them because i thought it would hurt them a lot (ignorant on my behalf. once i finally told my friends i realized i should have warned EVERYONE the very first time i saw this behavior) i didn’t want to seem like i was shit talking him or being rude to the women he was seeing but by the end of our friendship that was one of my greatest regrets. I personally try to honor this mistake by fucking never letting something like this slide ever again and being a reliable friend to the trans women in my life by telling them honestly if i don’t trust someone i see them associating with. that type of passivity in our communities is something that also puts trans women at risk.

since coming back to tumblr ive seen a lot of transmascs harrasing trans women here and the sense of entitlement and the need to frame trans women as a threat to your individual comfort and safety is incredibly harmful and selfish. it reminds me of that shit i watched going down two years ago with my room mate and i really don’t like seeing terf ideology spread by other trans people. check yourself and imo leave trans women the fuck alone if you are still unlearning that shit. stop inviting trans women on dates and hangouts if behind their backs youre insinuating they are untrustworthy or violent in some way. that is so evil ok send post

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Alright. Imma just say it. Something is wrong with the theme park and Ollie. Because at first, it just seems really sweet right? Ollie seems charming and super nice to Bad- a true friend, if you will. But what initially started out as "getting help" for a "surprise for cucurucho" in the form of a ferris wheel turned into Bad being responsible for an entire theme park. Ok. But like. Why tho.

Also what is up with the snakes and raccoons that just randomly appear every time Bad tries to show the bunny workers his work- therefore inadvertently causing him problems that lead to bad reviews by the bunnies. And more importantly: Bad owing Cucurucho more debt each time.

There's something interesting about that last part and this whole situation intrigues me so much if Cucurucho really is manipulating Bad into becoming closer, and ultimately, slowly integrate him into the Federation.

- alchemicaladarna

EXACTLY

see the thing is i have to agree with bad that i think cucuruchos setting bad up for a debt payment so theyre forced to interact daily! Like a baby trap but with financials kjkhjgvhjbnjk

i wrote this in a post like i think two ish days ago that cucurucho seems to be testing bads boundaries, which includes forcing bad to somehow pay cucurucho or be in debt to cucurucho, both things which bad hates because he really likes being at the top of the ladder on the richness scale!! Like he checks that stupid thing so often just to make sure hes still at the top when in reality theres like a 10K GAP between him and the second richest person on the server

Like its so sus how this is the second time cucuruchos made bad indebted to him within the past couple days. And bad really couldve just refused to pay cucurucho back (it was just a netherite block that bad didnt even have that we WATCHED cucurucho destroy) but instead bad bended and said that he'd find a way to pay cucurucho back even if getting a fucking BLOCK OF NETHERITE would take FOREVER

AND THE THING IS!!!! THE THING IS!!!! I am 90% confident cucurucho didnt expect bad to be honest and give him back that whole stack of netherite blocks, it was a VERY OBVIOUS TEMPTATION to try and get bad to refuse to give them back but instead he did so and cucurucho panicked and decided to fabricate a false debt on his own

But the thing is, a block of netherite is something one can forget about especially when bad doesnt actually have it, so instead he made bad in debt with something a little more tangible, something bad cant just give back to him all at once (or that he didnt want to - of course bad could do it he has WELL over 12k but bad hoards his money like a dragon). So instead cucurucho charged bad an exuberant price for something he shouldnt have even known existed just so bad would be forced to interact with him and go out of his way to give him exactly 12 coins a day!! Cucurucho was even nice enough to take 3k off just because he likes bad (thats a quote, that was crazy)!!!

AND cucurucho did the math in his head, if bad were to stick to their debt agreement bad would be paying him back for a little under 3 years !!! Bro had a fucking calculator on hand!!! 2.74 years i believe were his calculations, a thousand days!! Bro is counting!!!

like im just saying its so sus,, its so sus i UNDERSTAND and i hope its on purpose and that they DO SOMETHING WITH IT!!!

AND SIDE NOTE!!!! THESE BUNNIES ARE SO CRINGEFAIL!!!! WHY ARE ALL OF THEM ALWAYS ON HALF A HEART???? The bear fed workers werent doing allat!!!!! It seems like every time a rabbit is around bad theyre always on 2 hearts constantly getting downed, every other time bad sees ollie hes picking her up from getting downed, he had to save the two tie rabbits several times today, sipi kept getting downed, etc. etc. that cant not be planned, its like they go out of their way to be weak to be able to make these accusations that cause bad to get fined that cause him to be in debt like THATS CRAZY RIGHT???

I dont think i saw any bear fed workers get downed until fucking CELLBIT started killing them, and pre-theme park weve rarely/never seen a bunny properly get downed, even when they were around bad, Ronnie was mostly stalking and hiding and jumping around and excited, they didnt get downed nearly as much!!! Its crazy!!!

EDIT: EDITING THIS TO SAY. LOWEST OF KEYS. REALLY SUS THAT OLLIE CLAIMED IT WAS FOR A CELEBRATION FOR CUCURUCHO, BUT REFUSED TO ELABORATE ON WHICH CELEBRATION... BAD ASKED IF IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY OR LIKE A BOSS APPRECIATION DAY OR SOMETHING AND SHE JUST AGREED NONCOMMITTALLY AND REFUSED TO ELABORATE.. A LITTLE ODDDDD

[olivereliocorcordium1983]

You know what the worst thing about knowing something to be true is? Is the fact that you know you saw it with your own two eyes. Yet, everyone else around you says that it's a rumor.

So what am I exactly talking about? well, Law and Order SVU season 11 episode 5 the episode where Christopher Meloni and Lee Tergesen are reunited for awhile since OZ.

Now why am I bringing this up? well, people are claiming that it's a rumor that those two end up kissing in a blooper reel for that episode. And I am hear to tell you, that Yes, indeed they do kiss however, the part where they do is cut out. it does not show in the bloopers on youtube.

Why do I know this? Because I saw the entire original Blooper video for that episode by accident. it was posted to Twitter a long time ago 2021 I believe (dont quote me on that) and I swear it was like seeing Beecher and Keller in that room again.

I screamed and fanboyed so damn hard I knocked my book off the couch that I was reading at the time. SO I am here to tell you that it is not a rumor at all! it is true and yes, the video does exist.

I was going to share the video so other svu/ oz lovers of these two could see it. However, when I tried to do so the next day the original video was completely gone and the original posters account was completely deleted. Which tells me that the person who posted it worked for the show and got busted for doing so.

But here is basically what happens in the one that is on youtube.

Together: "Lead us not into temptation."

Chris: "You smell great."

Chris: "and deliver us-"

Lee: "Are you feeling this?"

Chris: "mhm."

Lee: " I am feeling this."

This is where the video cuts off and goes to Olivia smacking or grabbing Elliot's ass. which is hilarious XD.

The original unedited version of blooper.

Together: "Lead us not into temptation."

Chris: "You smell great."

Chris: "and deliver us-"

Lee: "Are you feeling this?"

Chris: "mhm."

Lee: "I am feeling this."

Chris: "sword fight."

Then they end up kissing each other then the video ends.

But it is the moment that Lee says "I am feeling this." that for me Christopher Meloni completely breaks out of Elliot. you can clearly see it happen in the blooper obviously but the whole "Sword fight" thing is such a completely Keller thing to say!

Clearly it was no longer Elliot Stabler and crazy ass preacher dude in that room anymore. That was Keller and Beecher reunited for a split second, just for a moment. Because Elliot would not be kissing another man, but Keller for damn sure would!

It pisses me off that they didn't keep the entire blooper in for us as fans to see! It also breaks my heart to know that the person deleted that video, knowing that fans were going to speculate about this very thing!

I think it's kind of cool, that I accidentally stumbled upon this just searching through oz stuff trying to find pictures and all that to manipulate for my stories. But the fact that I couldn't share the video does hurt me.

This was something that many of us OZ fans were looking forward to myself included when that episode was to come out. But they should have kept the entire blooper in there, because it would have made an entire fanbase happy.

In fact, it is because of OZ that I got into Law and Order Svu in the first place, because everyone from OZ has been on Law and Order at some point. Including Beecher aka Lee Tergesen which I believe was twice? anyway, enough of my ramblings.

Seeing the new short film for OZ or ZO as they are calling got me hyped up and back on the Oz train again. And got me missing all these characters again, that I wanted to post this.

All that to say, Yes, It does exist. Yes it is very much real. The video is out there somewhere with the original poster, and Yes. Christopher Meloni and Lee Tergesen really did kiss each other in a Law and Order Svu blooper.

[laughingphoenixleader]

hi mom imma send you a lotta asks and you dont gotta do them all : 1, 4, 3, 7, 17, 28, 39, 35 and 24 :D (A LOT I KNOW)

Bet.

1.) Post the fourth picture on your camera roll, no context.

4.) What’s something new you learned recently?

When you talk negatively about yourself, that can negatively affect others, too. So show yourself love! (Also God says love others as yourself, so there’s that, too!) -courtesy of @kazoosandfannypacks!

3.) In your opinion, what’s the most superior type of pickles?

I don’t eat pickles, sooo…the lack thereof?

7.) What is the best form that potatoes can take?

NOW we’re talking! Baked potatoes with bacon bits and salt!

17.) Which is better, Napoleon Dynamite or Nacho Libre?

I have a confession to make. Never seen either of these…I don’t even know what the latter is 😅

28.) What’s the most awkward encounter you’ve ever had with a complete stranger?

Honestly? No clue. I’m somewhat awkward, but I’m pretty good at diffusing awkwardness nowadays! I know I’ve said “you too” to waiters and all that—OH WAIT. This old man at a nursing home thought I was pretty and was looking at me weird a few days ago and was like “when I saw her my heart went fast and I could not speak” and I was like 🙃🙃🙃😳😳😳

39.) If you are a girl, are you a part of the Unspoken Floral Church Dress Gang?

HA I have never heard about this but nope, floral dresses aren’t my jam—but I’d love to finally find a floral one I like!

35.) What do you think about the newest Star Wars trilogy?

Ahhhhh ok so I loved them when I first saw them—I wasn’t as obsessed with Star Wars then. Loved Rey! Then I heard all the hate and thought I should agree with it…and I really understand why now. Rewatched Force Awakens just to try and reevaluate my opinion, and I like that one a lot! I love Poe and BB-8 and Finn! I’d say I still love the other two trilogies more. And all the shows, besides Resistance. Palpatine “somehow coming back”, as Poe aptly puts it, makes me angry. It makes Anakin’s prophecy pretty much invalid. Although Kanan’s and Ahsoka’s voices and the Ghost being featured in Episode IX is amazing. Still need to rewatch the others! Also, Damerey forever. Though I enjoyed Reylo much more than I thought I would! Still not a huge fan, though.

24.) What’s the most profound thing you’ve ever learned/quote you’ve heard from a children’s show/movie?

REBELS COUNTS REBELS COUNTS

Hera is a huge inspiration to me!! She’s taught me that helping other people is worth devoting yourself to, and to serve people with joy. She’s taught me to be braver and stronger and stand up for myself, and to be confident and snarky and love people well.

“If all you do is fight for your own life, then your life is worth nothing.”

Thanks for the questions, babey!

Ask game here!

[captain-aralias]

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all. 

but i also wanted to write this, idk. 

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer. 

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown. 

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again. 

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo. 

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days. 

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital. 

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it. 

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about. 

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly. 

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it. 

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly  about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison. 

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am. 

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life. 

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now. 

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal. 

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it. 

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.) 

what else did i want to say? 

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.) 

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it. 

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point. 

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin. 

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute. 

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but..... 

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here 

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be. 

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog. 

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.) 

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens. 

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years. 

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it. 

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while. 

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer. 

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

[bluebellhairpin]

30 Questions Tag Game!

So @anlian-aishang tagged me in this ageees ago, but now I have full access to my computer I cad to it. Yay! 

1. name/nickname: Nemo! But if you’d like to call me Sweetheart you can.

2. gender: A Mudah Focken Woman

3. star sign: Gemini

4. height: 5′4 (126 cm) 

5. time: rn it is 9:38 pm

6. birthday: shhhhhhhhh it’s a secret! 

7. favorite bands: K/DA. BLACKPINK. BTS. rn that’s all I got. Mayhaps Fall Out Boy.

8. favorite solo artists: Hozier. Samuel Kim. Halsey. Jaden. 

9. song stuck in my head: ‘WE GOTTA LEARN TO GET BACK, GET BACK, BUT IS WORTH THE PRICE OF OUR SOUL? YOU KNOW YOU HAD TO KILL HER, KILL HER! OH, MY DIRTY HANDS, IT NEVER FADES.’ - ‘Barricades’ from ‘Attack on Titan

10. last movie: ‘Three Men and a Baby’. It’s not that bad tbh. 

11. last show: ‘The Mandalorian’ 

12. when did i create this blog: August 2018. My first post was on August 18. 

13. what do i post: Of my own? Fics, thoughts, drawings sometimes. I also reblog others works. They’re a lot better than my og content, just fyi. 

14. last thing googled: “Refraction meaning” 

15. other blogs: I have two incorrect quote blogs. A blog for reblogs. A blog for writing tips. a blog for a personal wip. And two blogs where I impersonate unnamed characters. 

16. do i get asks: occasionally. I do love getting them though. 

17. why i chose my url: I just needed a url. Saw a hairpin next to me and thought ‘how could I make that ‘aesthetic’’ and here we are. 

18. following: 65 amazing blogs and the people who run them. 

19. followers: it’s over 2k. let’s say that. somehow??? 

20. average hours of sleep: about 8 hours. 

21 lucky number: I don’t think I have one? But I like the number 16? 

22. Instruments: Violin. 

23. what am i wearing: Fluff socks. Jeans. Some flowy pink cardigan I had on the floor.  

24. dream job: Museum Curator. I long and pine and wish to be surrounded by history every day. 

25. dream trip: Europe. I’ll base myself in France and go from there. Wherever forever takes me. 

26. favorite food: ummmmmmmmmm i dont rlly eat? Chocolate! And Katsudon. 

27. nationality: AUZZIE. AUZZIE. AUZZIE. OI. OI. OI. 

28. favorite song: ‘DRUM GO DUM’ by K/DA 

29. last book read: ‘Always and Forever, Lara Jean’ by Jenny Han

30. top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: tbh can I say i don’t know? All things considered, the BNHA universe has to go on this list because I want to know what quick I’d have, and the AOT one because I wanna know if I’d die or not and I wanna kick the Jaeger Bro’s asses (NEMO HERE TO START A MFING RIOT DON’T EVEN TRY TO HOLD ME BACK). Lastly I’ll say the Night at the Museum universe. Ahkmenrah was my og fictional crush. 

Tagging (and sorry if y’alls have done this already - I’m slow af); @quilledinkpen @writefightandflightclub @miss-consulting-timelord @ruler-of-stars and whomsever wants a go! 

[shamemp3]

POSITIVE 20 QUESTIONS TAG GAME

@demondeals thank you for tagging me this was SO MUCH FUN!! ily!!

1. Name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

aah this is hard okay so first and foremost peter parker. he’s one of those characters that have always been relatable in almost every aspect of life since i was a kid, especially when it comes to how he deals with his feelings and like his emotions and humor and his problems in general?? and then also jake peralta also because of feelings and how he tries to avoid them and be all!! fun fck yea!! and humor and idk?? also i love amy santiago so... third i think is percy jackson bc no thoughts head empty and he is impulsive and also brave and i would like to think that i am brave?? and yeh im trying to make this as short as possible and only vaguely explain but. it’s not working ksdfjbv okay fourth character is stiles stilinski ig?? like sarcasm and humor again, and idk this is all repeating but it all comes back to how he deals w his feelings and guilt and problems and idk the reasons are mostly the same with all these characters and yea there’s more but i feel like i am talking too much so i will stop skjdbvjk

2. Aesthetic

milkshakes and fries, neon lights, blasting the car radio, doing literally anything as long as it’s with friends, city lights, train rides at night, playing video games till sunrise, campfire smell, denim and flannels, drive-in movies

3. Favorite musical/play? (If you’ve never seen a musical or play, one you’d be interested in seeing?)

uhh i’ve only listened to hamilton which had some really cool beats! ive also listened to a few songs from dear evan hansen, wicked, mean girls, and oh now that i think about it i’ve seen the shrek musical on netflix and 10/10 phenomenal in every way that’s my favorite one

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

i know i’ve gotten compliments but for some reason i cant remember any?? like the second i read this question my brain went whoosh. idk probably whenever people tell me im funny or notice that im keeping my cool in a situation that is very NOT cool?? idk i really cant think of any rn jdfsbksdjb but there have definitely been compliments that i have thought about for weeks bc i was like....omg? me? kinda sad that i dont remember them i really hope i do soon bc i wouldnt wanna forget smth like that sjkdbdvhsb

5. How many times have you been in love?

i don’t think i’ve ever been in love (at least romantically)? im not certain but im 90% sure i haven’t. but when it comes to friends and family, sososos many times i lvoe them all

6. Embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

uhhh i got pantsed in like grade 7 bc i was being dragged across the floor and then this 9th grader came up to me in the middle of the hallway and yelled “HEY I SAW YOUR ASS” i wanted to perish

7. Favorite Disney/Pixar movie?

ooh probably zootopia or wall-e!!

8. Favorite flower or plant?

this is hard! i love ferns and sunflowers and hydrangeas and ooh also vines 

9. What’s your favorite holiday?

i love new year’s eve! it’s just fun because we all just stay up and celebrate and there’s always this feeling of “oh i got through another year!” also 4th of july but not bc of the actual holiday just bc my old town used to have these 4th of july carnivals that were crazy fun and i used to go like almost every day when the carnival was in town

10. Name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

first one is my school posted a picture of me graduating on their facebook and my mom sent them the link to look at it and when they pressed on it they started replying to my mom thinking it was on whatsapp but they left like 7 comments on the school’s post in arabic so that was funny as fukckjdbf, second is atla bc i love that show and everyone is so precious, and number 3 is literally any conversation with any of my friends

11. What song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

axel f by crazy frog. next question

12. Name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

probably watching one of my favorite movies (mr. popper’s penguins or itsv tbh) or like just going on any of my friend’s gcs and sending memes and stuff

13. What do you, did you, or would you study at college?

i plan on going into chemistry!! i might also minor in computer or environmental science, but i’m still undecided! crazy because up till a few months ago i had zero idea what i wanted to do and my plans kept changing like every week

14. This is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

probably my denim jacket or my really big red sweatshirt? idk tbh i really only buy clothes that i know i would feel myself in and that i would be comfortable, but i think those two are probably my favorites?

15. What is a quote you live by?

power of people is stronger than the people in power because i want to take down the evil government. this is the first one i thought of so it’s staying skjvbjksdb

16. Name the funniest playlist name you have.

i have ‘AAAAHHHHHHH’ and i have ‘mitten ski’ which is a playlist composed entirely of mitski songs

17. Make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

wanna touch knees?

18. What is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

please stand up for urself and talk ab ur feelings for the love of god it’s ok to admit to being not ok ?? also everything in the world is not ur fault, chill btich

19. Who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

i can’t really do this bc i really do love all of them in a different way. i’m definitely closest to my mom because i’ve lived with her all my life, but i still can’t pick favorites

20. What’s a secret dream of yours?

to be an astronaut pls this isn’t a secret i just really want to be an astronaut or a superhero pls someone give me a radioactive eel bite or send me to space or something. also to be able to be more open w people and to visit aleppo again 

i’m tagging: @natasharxmanov @anthonydarling @parkersedith @jessjones @anxieteandbiscuits if you guys want to!!! ily all very much

[im-not-a-joke]

Mmh... All the field

the whole- the whole field....

thank you for asking, this is going to be one long post

Alisons: Sexuality?

asexual, unlabeled/queer romantic

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

they/them or he/him, nonbinary

Amaryllis: Birthday?

february 4th

Anemone: Favorite flower?

bleeding heart

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

steven universe

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

probably offer a place to sleep overnight

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he’s created?”

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

strawberry lemonade

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

my gf? yes, absolutely.

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

i’d like to think so, yes

Baneberries: Favorite song?

currently “better than me” by the brobecks

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

a mess, i have three siblings, and two of them are currently living at home, we also have two large dogs

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

yes! my best friend anna, and her brother bryan!

Begonia: Favorite color?

purple

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

mantis shrimp

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night person

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

dog, i want the constant love and affection

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

first a botanist, then a geologist

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

i want to adopt some someday! sometimes they suck, but i want to be there for someone who doesn’t have a family to lean on.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

abandonment, because i’m annoying

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i shared a room with my little brother until i was like 12.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

visiting all the people i love most, all of my friends, my gf, i’d call my sister

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

taken!

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

france

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when people take the time out of their day to talk to me

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

nope, i do want some someday, though

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

yes! i got my ears pierced twice because it ripped my earlobe the first time

California Poppy: Height?  

~5′8″

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

yes, and if i die before any of my friends, i’m coming back to haunt them

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

a floral tank top, my favorite sleeveless cardigan, and jean shorts

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yes, my little brother was afraid of the dark and insisted on having a nightlight on

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my mom

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

my gf

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

architect’s daughter

Columbine: Are you tired?

yes, very

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

tomorrow i get to leave the house all day to drive across the state and it’s going to be a lot of fun

Coneflower: Dream job?

language teacher! either english to people who don’t speak it or german/french to english speakers

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert. i’m on tumblr all day

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

yeah, i think so

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i’d actually die for multiple people in my life

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

yes! a stuffed white dog with a plaid scarf and matching antlers! my friend got it for me because it reminded her of my big white dog.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

aquarius

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

once i came 3rd in my age group for a 5k i ran

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

i successfully kept a frail axolotl alive for an entire summer

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

i dont care what my parents think about stuff like that, they cant tell my who i am or am not allowed to date

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

@byler-obsessed literally like, maybe 15 minutes ago as of writing this

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

i’d like to think i’m decent at singing

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

staying awake during the day

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

i saw my gf for the first time in months! i came out to the girls team for xc! i spent a lot of time with one of my closest irl friends!

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

decent, i had coach practice, which was nice

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

yeah, i’d say i’m pretty happy where i am

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

learn guitar

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my best friends anna and bryan, my older brother, the girls on the team, my ukulele, my therapist, my dogs, the creek in my back yard, my grandma’s amish apple dumpling recipe, random internet memes, books

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

listening to my spotify playlist

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

reassurance and/or talking about things that i enjoy, i’m really insecure so if i’m talking about something i like, that’s me trusting you. 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

the mental health progress i’ve made

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

i lay in bed until like 11, then, i spend the rest of the day out with my friends, we get sushi for dinner and stay up until like 3am

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

be on tumblr

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

i met them both in 6th grade, anna nad i were in the same science class and i met bryan at lunch, he didn’t talk to me for at least the first half of the year.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

bryan, he always knows just what to say, and knows that he doesn’t have to fix my problems to be a good friend.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

like, 13?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

my friend once told me that they couldn’t tell if i was a boy or girl upon first meeting me and it made my day.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

i’m a mess, an anxious, depressed, gay mess

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my hair, it’s really fluffy and soft, and just about light enough to dye bright colors

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

my chest, it’s always been a huge part of my dysphoria and i want it gone please

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i would play dress up with my dog, he had to suffer through wearing all my old dresses, but he got treats so it was ok

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

my friend ry, we met in second grade, we’re still on and off friends, currently off

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

in 5th grade i used the word “suck” in class and got yelled at

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

see above answer

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

carson: christian. it’s my name because i like how it sounds, and anna really liked it too, she picked it for me.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

white, suburban ohio. all the kids had cliques by the second day of kindergarten, and if you were knew, you generally had a pretty good chance of being picked up by the popular kids.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had bunkbeds with my little brother, i slept on the bottom.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

so far, not really. i’m just mentally ill and closeted, it’s not great

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she likes to dye her hair crazy colors, and she used to be a beekeeper, even though she’s allergic to bee stings.

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

he rides his bike almost every day, and supports my mom in whatever she does

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

on my mom’s side, the kindest boomers i’ve ever met, my grandpa used to take us on “adventures” to the park and just watch us play

on my dad’s side: my grandpa loves seeing us but doesn’t get out much, my grandma laughs hysterically at every family gathering, and has all the best amish recipes

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

when i turned 13, i went ice skating for the first time and fell and sprained my wrist

Peony: What was your first job?

mowing lawns

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

we had mutual friends and slowly ended up being close, we were in school plays and track together.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

i bite down on my finger to simultaneously distract myself, focus on something else, and hold myself back

Pink: Where is home?

my best friends’ living room at 1 am, with the golden girls playing in the background

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

i’d go back and stop current president from becoming president

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

my sister, she has always been driven and passionate and talented, and she makes everything seem effortless and still gives it her all.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

me and my spouse and my kids amd my dogs all live in a decently spacious house in europe, my job is stable and i love my work, my students think i’m cool and come to me if they need help, i am doing well.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

i used to believe that the smoke from fireworks was where clouds came from

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my best friends

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

the sound of rain on my roof at night

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

when my sister, dad, and i all climbed to the top of a mountain in california

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

throwing up in the car on the way home for visiting my sister in new york

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

a hug from anna

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

it’s hard because i don’t trust people

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

the internet

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

like 5.5 hours

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

to run, it makes me feel better and i love cross country

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

lmao i dont have one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

my binder!

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

the record player song but a boy

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

a list of reasons why you deal with me/things you like about me

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

the fact that this is taking a lot longer than anticipated and i don’t want people to think i’m ignoring their asks

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

actual books? only 2, Catcher in the Rye and the Night Circus

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

out with my friends

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

yes, and i regret it

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m double jointed in my left pinky

[queer-starling]

Flower ask: also all of them. you get to suffer with me >:3€

oh darlin’ we’re in it now huh

Alisons: Sexuality?

homogay

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/they | all gender will be shot on sight

Amaryllis: Birthday?

sept 23rd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

monkshood

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

stranger things or ghost adventures

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

like? distance? a couple miles probably

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lifeIs rounded with a sleep.” William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

wild cherry capri sun

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ima change that to ‘kiss the last person u thought abt kissing’ bc YES

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

*jenna marbles voice* hell yeah!!

Baneberries: Favorite song?

waiting for the end - linkin park 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

chaos

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i have too many to list !!! brandi, kasey, you, liz, ivy, nick , just to name a few!!

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue uwu

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxes !! and opossums

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night time babey

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

either a fox or an opossum or a raven, i think

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i wanted to be a vet !!!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

theyre ok as long as theyre not screaming and/or mine

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

i don’t liike vomit bc. nastey (trauma i think) and i don’t like old ppl well. i dunno why? they’re just so old and fragile and helpless and sometimes they’re really mean and idk i think it’s like something to do w death or something LMAO idk. also i just hate the idea of becoming old and having to rely on other people ?? hhh

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i was bullied a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

realistically? probably playing dead by daylight with my girlfriend ADFSGRHYUTR

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

happily taken 

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

ireland, scotland, alaska, greece

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

whenever my friends or family tells me they love me but esp when u text me goodmorning or when we say our goodnights sorry im gay haha

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

i have. uuuuhh 6

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

no!!! i want some tho :(

California Poppy: Height?  

i think im like. 5′5 or something? give or take an inch ?

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

oh absolutely. my house is haunted as we speak

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

bmth hoodie and pajama pants w foxes all over them. i just woke up lol

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yeah i always keep one on in the bathroom

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my sister bc she came home from college yesterday

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

ask me in like. a little over a month from now ;)

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

FONT??? the animal crossing font

Columbine: Are you tired?

oh absolutely

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

thanksgiving, christmas, seeing my gf, magfest

Coneflower: Dream job?

idk if it’s a job but i just wanna own like. a ranch that takes in all sorts of animals and takes care of them

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

ooooh yeah

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i mean. depends on what they want/need. distance wise? i’d travel the known universe for u  

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

he was a plaid teddy bear his name was Stanley!!!! i miss him :( but now i have Little Moon God as my favourite stuffed animal 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libro

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Working in Yellowstone is something I’ll never forget

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

well. hmm. i was gonna say flying to yellowstone but maybe driving to north carolina by myself bc driving long distances alone to places i haven’t been before gives me hella anxiety (i’m better now)

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? 

i don’t pay rent in this house to listen to their opinions lmao. 

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

you, i think, when we said goodnight last night!!! EDIT: you this morning!!

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

being bad at dead by daylight

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

dead by daylight

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

(little over a month now but uhhh) GOT A UH ......GIRL.....FRIEND ...... GOT TO VISIT GIRLFRIEND ........ and got the windshield finally replaced in my car 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

i dont know! so far ive laid in bed now im at my computer answering this. not too bad. my shift is only 4 hours today. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

for the most part, i’m pretty content, yeah

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

MOVE OUT 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my friends, my mom, my sisters, my girlfriend, my bastard dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

metal   

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

what does this mean. physically, i’m very affectionate, i just. don’t show it alot bc anxiety/i overthink. that and i constantly tell ppl i love them and what they mean to me 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

whoever is reading this

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

wake up next 2 a cute girl. take way too long to get up. go climb mountain w cute girl. vibe on mountain w cute girl. go to waffle house 2gether. gome home and vibe. play video games or watch a movies/tv w cute girl.  

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

i like to make art or play bideo jame

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

oh gosh i dunno. the ones i’ve known the longest are kasey and brandi, and i’ve known them both around/over a decade i think. we met in middle/highschool!

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

you, ivy, liz

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

so many 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

idk man but i remember when you said u had a crush on me and then i posted a selfie and u were like ‘OH NO SHE’S CUTE” and like ??? idk i think that was definitely the first compliment to ever shock me LMAO 

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

6.9/10

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my tattoos

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked to play zombies ate my neighbors on the sega genesis !!!!

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

eliza !!!! we lost touch a few years after i moved away :(

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

ima be real everything makes me feel guilty

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

aaaaaa the whole abi/moon incident 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

my name is fox. it means i like foxes

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

northern virginia babey !!!! that place fucking sucks!!! but everyone who lives up there thinks they’re hot shit. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a bunkbed and i think the walls were pink 

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

😬 i’m just gonna say i’m much happier now and i’m coping with life and shit a lot better  

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she’s sweet and funny and i love her so much!! she always does the Most for everyone, sometimes to the point where she isn’t concerned abt herself and i see where i get it from. but yeah my mom is great, my dad doesn’t deserve her 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

source of a lot of trauma and why i have so many issues regarding men. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore LOL he doesn’t deserve the attention

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my dad’s mom is becoming senile and i think she’s racist and queerphobic. my mom’s parents disowned her a few years ago so we don’t talk to them anymore 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

i dunno. i don’t try to remember my birthdays. whenever i can go to busch gardens for my birthday i usually have a lot of fun there. 

Peony: What was your first job?

if you don’t wanna count working w my mom as a florist, target was my first job back in 2016. i found my name tag the other day , actually

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

WELL, i know you followed me on here first. and then twitter?? but we didn’t really start talking until stranger things 3 came out (thank u stranger things) PHYSICALLY, we didn’t meet until fursonacon (haha. i remember when u texted me that u got to the hotel and i came down to help n i saw u unloading yr car and it was then that my brain was like OH NOOOOOOOO and my heart was like OH YEEEEAAAAAAAH) 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physical, mental, or emotional? i play a video game or listen to loud music

Pink: Where is home?[

somewhere in appalachia i can feel it in my stupid soul 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? 

idk man i’m pretty content w where i’m at now so 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

chester bennington 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i have a waife and we have many great pets and we live in a log cabin in the mountains or in a nice victorian in a small town or something IDK but we’re happy and that’s all that matters 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

God

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my mom, me best friends, my girlfriend

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

my girlfriend’s laugh because it’s THE cutest shit and then when she giggles??? oh my heart 

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oct 23rd, 2005, we brought Fat Boy Zack home !!!!

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

July 22nd, 2016. i was 2200 miles away

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

to be holding my girlfriend >:(

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

those i hold dear

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

enough, i guess? 

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

my girlfriend

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

it’s fucking BORING and TOO EASY and they don’t pay me ENOUGH but i can get away with so much shit there so ima still go, ima still go 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

all of the flannels currently in my possession

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

mountains, woods, forests, cabins, autumn, cryptic, occult, victorian, edwardian

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

if someone gets me a gift i’m legally required to execute them

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this 40hr workweek i got coming up 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i have not read in So Long

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Moved out away from here lol, we’ll see

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

:/

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m a furry

that was SO LONG im sorry i also put you through that but THANK YOU ENJOY READING ILU

[puppyenergy]

@rickenrolled​ you’re an absolute mad man i love you. here’s all my answers. long ass post beneath the cut

1. Who’s your favourite character from UT?

i love them all but if i had to pick one then chara

2. Who’s your least favourite character from UT?

asgore

3. Your opinion about UT fandon:

very sweet, lots of smart and lovely and creative and gay people. could do without all the transphobes and incest/pedo shippers tho but like, theyre kinda everywhere aren’t they. like flies! smack

4. What’s your favourite quote?

“you never gained LOVE, but you gained love. does that make sense? maybe not.“

5. What’s your favourite soundtrack?

death by glamour

6. Pacifist, neutral or genocide?

pacifist

7. Why did you decide to play UT?

when it came out, my first exposure to it was thru supporting a friend who had recently started a youtube channel and they did a playthru of undertale! i ended up being unable to wait for them to finish it and just went and bought the game myself so i could play it. i was just so invested, i couldn’t wait for them to upload asklghskl

8. Favourite battle?

undyne’s

9. Favourite scene?

GOD I CAN’T CHOOSE JUST ONE SCENE. fuck. you can’t do this to me.

10. Your first letter to Mettaton was:

“legs” probably sldkghsd i don’t remember

11. Your reaction when you saw Omega Flowey for the first time:

VERY SCARED. I LEGIT THOUGHT MY GAME WAS POSSESSED.

12. Your headcanon about Frisk’s gender:

they’re nonbinary but i specifically headcanon them as agender! i also rlly dig genderfluid frisk as well bc same.

13. Which UT character reminds you of yourself?

mostly frisk but also chara and also mettaton

oh and all the dogs

14. Which UT character reminds you of your best friend?

TEMMIE. we are dog and cat solidarity.

15. Would you smooch a ghost?

i already have!

16. Which UT character would be your best friend? Why?

all of them. i will befriend them all.

17. Do you remember your first killed character? Who was that?

toriel ;_; i reset & redid the entire game for her, i felt so bad

18. Did you do sth in game you regret?

killing toriel lmao

19. Which ending was your first?

pacifist!

20. Your favourite land in UT and why: (Snowdin, Waterfall or Hotland)

snowdin is my favorite... it’s just so home-y. i rlly love snow, it brings a lot of happy memories. the christmas aesthetic does as well. and it’s also where you meet sans & papyrus & all the dogs. it’s just such a happy place.

21. Your favourite place in UT and why: (Undyne’s house for example)

i just rlly love snowdin ok. every area in snowdin. i still remember my little gasp!! when i found out that the snow on frisk’s head is always a different shape every time you go thru that slide-y puzzle.

22. Your headcanon about River person’s gender:

“it doesn’t really matter.”

23. Your headcanon about one of the UT characters:

papyrus is nonbinary!

24. Butterscouch or cinnamon pie?

cinnamon!

25. Your opinion/headcanon about six human souls:

i always connect the deltarune characters to the six human souls for some reason. kris is the cyan soul, susie is the purple soul, ralsei is the green soul, lancer is the blue soul, noelle is the yellow soul, and then im not sure who would be the orange soul... ofc only one of them is actually human but that’s always an association i made asdlghsd

26. With who would you go on a date?

none of them tbh sdkglhskdlgha i would go on hangouts with them tho!

27. Marry, fuck, kiss and kill:

marry: napstablook fuck: mettaton kiss: all of them getting kisses from me!!! mwah kill: none :(

28. Do you wanna have a bad time?

no!! i wanna have a fun time. a sillay ol’ time.

29. Your favourite UT au:

there’s this one unfinished comic someone made a while ago i don’t even remember what it was called but it was about two charas or smth??? idek if that counts as an au but tbh that comic is the origin of my love for feral chara

30. Your least favourite UT au:

all of the ones where anyone is misgendered or there’s incest/pedo/abuse in it it just automatically makes it a bad au.

31. Would you want to fall into underground?

i mean, yeah. where’s the hole. i’m on my way.

32. Describe or draw your undersona:

the puppy is specific to dfta

my other undersona is dragon kid. he’s a human & monster fusion with a rough past. he’s also adopted. the cat is his sibling.

33. One reason why you love UT:

toby said Hello LGBT Community

34. One reasom why you hate UT:

frisk’s design is,, u kno

35. If you could choose one type of food from UT, what would it be?

dog salads for days!

36. Your favourite amalgamate:

snowdrake’s mother & endogeny

37. Your headcanon about Gaster: who do you think Gaster is to Sans and Papyrus? (Father, brother, uncle etc)

i like to headcanon him as their dad

38. Your opinion about bad puns:

they’re good, ok.

39. Do you draw fanarts from UT? If yes, then what do you like the most to draw?

yes i do asklghsdkgl i could probably draw chara/frisk/asriel forever and be ok with it

40. Which of human souls fits you the most?

red, baby

41. What would be the first thing you would to show to Sans, Papyrus or the rest of characters in human world? Why?

the stars!!! they’ve been wishing on rocks for too long. time to see the real thing.

42. Which song reminds you of UT or one of the UT characters? Why?

skglhslkhg i make playlists just for this tbh. i have a playlist for mettaton, chara, frisk, asriel, undertale in general, and then one for both chara & frisk. too many songs to talk about rn so here’s the most recent one i added to chara’s playlist:

https://soundcloud.com/serious-url/last-night-on-earth-2

my favorite lyric is “we are horrible but not bad”

43. Your opinion on underloid:

i. i’m not sure what that is askdlghsdk

OH I JUST LOOKED IT UP ITS UNDERTALE VOCALOID??? i’ve never listened to it before but tbh that’s real cool

44. Do you forgive Asgore for what he’s done?

no lol

45. Did you pay for Tem’s college?

I DIDNT, IM SORRY TEM... i just dont have the patience to sell all that residue

46. Have you seen any youtube letsplay of UT?

i swear i’ve seen them all now. i watch them when i need some free serotonin. u_u

47. Do you listen to any fanmade songs? If so, then which are your favourite?

i don’t rlly listen to any but i have a few saved! i rlly love the fucking checker dance & death by glamour mashup

48. What are your favourite theories?

narra!chara if you can even CALL that a theory man it’s literally canon

i also rlly like the theory that ut sans is actually from deltarune, and also maybe a darkner.

49. Who is your favourite enemy? (Not including boss monsters)

LESSER DOG

50. Do you have any headcanons about Chara’s past? (Why they hate humanity, why did they fell to the underground etc)

i think they had some pretty shitty ppl in their life until they met the dreemurrs, probably.

51. Who is your favourite dog?

DONT DO THIS TO ME,

52. What was your reaction to true lab?

fear and a lot of emotion

53. Your fabourite voice acting:

myself sakldhgklsh

54. At the end of pacifist run did you stay with your friends or did you come back to your family?

i always send frisk to stay with toriel bc as their player guardian i would not feel comfortable with myself if i just left a child stranded on their own. it was the same in oneshot. if i’m ur temporary game dad then i’m leaving u in a safe place before the game ends ok.

55. Who is older - Sans or Papyrus?

sans

56. Your OTP(s):

OK LISTEN. GOATBUN,,

also ALPHYNE

57. Your NOTP(s):

any of the incest/pedo ones. especially with fr4ns & ch4sriel i’m gonna get real stabby.

58. Your BROTP(s):

chara/frisk haa

59. Your favourite puzzle:

i like the shooty spaceship ones!

60. Which battle was the hardest for you?

fingers in his ass.... fingers in his ass.... asgore he likes b

61. Did you still hate Flowey after you discovered his true indentity?

i never hated flowey, ok. and also no.

62. The saddest moment:

“the next day.”

“the next day.”

“...”

“the human died.”

63. Which ending is your favourite?

true pacifist, pls

64. How old do you think Frisk is?

9, maybe? i always change my mind on this asdlghsdk. they’re just a baby. age is baby.

65. Any post pacifist run headcanons?

both chara & asriel get revived. always.

66. Your favourite NPC:

the trans woman lionness npc who mettaton gives his dress to

67. Humans or monsters?

both!

68. The funniest situation:

my brain is failing me but i fucking love the idea that frisk is just walking away from undyne during her battle sequence and she’s just CLANK CLANK CLANK in her armor stomping after but ugh has to stop and wait while frisk gets a phonecall and UGH has to check on sans who fell asleep at his post.

AND UNDYNE’S HANGOUT

UGH JUST UNDYNE IN GENERAL I LOVE HER

69. Skeletonfucker, robotfucker, goatfucker or kinkshaming?

listen i KNOW i said i’d fuck mettaton but i’m NOT a robotfucker.

70. When playing for the first time how many candies did you take?

one! i wanted to be a good boy.

but then i just went ham,

71. Did you kill or spare Flowey at the end of the game?

spare and i got emotional with how he reacted

72. If you had to be one of the main characters, which would you choose?

73. If you had to kill one of the main characters which would you choose?

i wouldn’t kill any of them!! i love them all. i refuse.

74. Which character(s) would you like to cosplay?

HMM. i could probably pull off frisk the best.

75. Your favourite Burgerpants’ quote?

[uwu-boll]

Recently, the 2 year anniversary of my engagement passed. I forget the exact date; it doesn't matter to me much anymore. But it did get me thinking about how much of a bad decision it was. I predicated it on the acknowledgement of a love and passion shared between two 18 year olds who got a little too drunk at their first party together and said they wanted to marry each other. To think I was blind to that reality, but it was romance in my eyes; star crossed lovers, high school sweethearts.

The love was real, sure, and we shared many memories together, plenty of which I will never forget. But we were ultimately incompatible. I was overwhelmed by her mental illness, and her absolute dependence on me, and when I couldn't support her emotionally anymore, it destroyed her. When she couldn't handle to see me with other people - platonically - and it affected our relationship in a way that she would lash out at me and blame me, or even herself, and cause huge issues simply over me talking to other girls - platonically.

I had no friends of my own for nearly 5 years. Every time I brought it up she would blame herself but do nothing to change how she felt. She would get mad at me for not having friends and upset at herself whenever I would tell her why I didnt. It was an emotional rollercoaster.

I'm not here to lay down my dirty laundry with keala, nor am I to say she is entirely to blame for the collapse of our relationship. Going long distance definitely was not helping the situation, and my insistence to make it work was probably the wrong move. There were times where I was cruel and intentionally petty to her because of the way she treated me. Does that justify how I was treated? No, but it doesn't mean I'm blameless.

Regardless, the breakup was intense, chronic, and extremely dull. Imagine being bored all of the time. Colors are dull, and boring, and conversations are surreally uninteresting. Video games were the only stimulation that mattered to me, and I buried myself in both games and work to get my mind off of everything. I was spiraling downward, every day was worse than the last and honestly I didnt really care if I lived or not at that point. I had no drive, ambition, or any real sense of purpose. I felt like I was in a rut. I started drinking a lot more that I used to. I picked up drinking casually with Marisol because it was something to do and I didnt want to smoke, but that developed into a borderline addiction. There were weeks where I would go out with friends and get shitfaced every day. I was the friend who liked alcohol. I'm not proud of it, to be frank, but that's how it was.

My point is, losing keala was devastating, but I grew a flock of friends that loved me, genuinely, but unknowingly enabled me. But that flock grew and grew and then it grew to include the person I came to write this post about:

Katie is my best friend, and has probably been my best friend since the moment we met. She and I met through Norms, the restaurant I worked at before I quit a month ago. We met in passing a few times through work, but really clicked that Halloween, where we both got off work at 9pm and spent the next 12 hours talking to each other and driving around. At the time, she was dating this skinny kid named Harrison. He seemed like a nice enough and genuine enough kind of person at the time

Katie and I immediately became very close and became closer and closer as time went on. I had no intention of getting between Katie and Harrison, but, ironically enough, jealousy consumed Harrison as well, as he also grew dependent on alcohol and then lashed out, culminating in his assaulting of Katie, and her uncle. That's a whole story in and of itself, and I'm not gonna get into it. What you need to know out of it is that they aren't together anymore.

As of now, Katie and I are "dating". I say that in quotes because that's the official story. We're trying to downplay things a bit, because everyone "expects us" to take it slow, which is understandable. But we're both very intense and passionate people, and it's hard for that kind of love to burn dimly. But I cant get my mind off of this girl. We are beyond compatible in so many different ways: I cant help but compare her to keala, and I'm pleased to say that Katie and I are so much more compatible than keala and I ever were. Keala was too quiet and contributed nothing. She was shy and introverted and would rather sit and do nothing than be in a production relationship. We were chaotic forces, living in anarchy. We didnt support each other in any way that mattered. Our love was selfish. We had ambitious plans but no means or drive to move forward and grow to achieve them. I needed her to help me move forward, and she was too stagnant in her mental health to grow. Our lack of growth suffocated us.

Katie and I have known each other for almost a year now, but we've spent almost every day of that year together. We have worked together and know how our minds work. We have the same tastes in a lot of things - movies, music, TV shows, literature - we love writing, animals, smoking. We're both open minded and she is extroverted and gives me the boost I need to be more social. She makes me want to be a better person and she genuinely makes me happy.

She took this picture of me (left) and Mario (right) and was blown away by my smile. She had not ever seen me smile like that, and I agreed: I have never been as happy as i am since she and I have been together. I dont even remember being this happy in nearly the past 3 years.

Ultimately, the point of this point is this: I saw that my 2 year had past and thought of how I could still be in that mistake, and I'm glad that I'm not. Instead, I'm in a completely different lifestyle, with a completely different style and a completely different taste, and most importantly I have a girl at my side who has shown me what I have been missing this whole time.

[lisbonsteresa]

in defense of wyatt's ill-timed confession: the man was also grieving and did not seem in control of his emotions. don't get me wrong i think it was incredibly poor writing and seemed like a hail mary for lyatt fans (which i still am deep down) but it was so poorly executed and really shouldn't have happened at all in that moment, however he is grieving rufus and had several traumatic events on top of immense guilt. anyway i dont feel like any confession on his part should have happened in s2

Thing of it is nonnie, I would have probably let that ‘confession’ stand and not had any feelings on it one way or another had he not brought up Rufus. This season has brought lyatt to such an ‘eh’ place for me that despite what was said in that scene, or how Lucy reacted, I wouldn’t have given it much credence and let it play out however it did and kept my thoughts to myself. But since he did bring Rufus into it, the whole speech makes me angry instead.

For the one thing, I don’t think Rufus gave even the slightest shit about what was going on with Wyatt-Lucy-Jessica after 2.06. Because he had more important things to worry about. (in all honesty i don’t think he cared too much about it before that because he had Jiya’s visions and other missions to think about, but he did comment on it so I’ll allow it). Rufus learns that he’s going to die, and that very understandably takes vast precedence over whatever mess of a love triangle Wyatt’s got going on. (I would even argue that from 2.06 onward we get almost a clear-cut split between the W-L-J plot and the Rufus and Jiya plot - there are still moments when they all interact, but they don’t involve discussing their relationships until Rufus - very rightly - tells Wyatt off in the finale.)

Even if we allow the idea that Rufus was concerned about what was going on with Wyatt’s situation throughout the whole season, he sure as hell wasn’t after one third of that triangle took the love of his life captive and stole the Lifeboat. “You got so caught up in this Lucy and Jessica soap opera that you forgot there are other people in this bunker, people who love each other” is a pretty clear indicator that Rufus was waaaaaay far off of the ‘ss lyatt’ (or the ss jyatt or the ss anything involving those idiots). He was most certainly not standing in the background, wishing and hoping and cheering for a lyatt reunion, and even if he was, you could not pay me all the money in the world to think he would react with ‘it’s about damn time’.

Maybe if Wyatt had reacted differently to his callout in 2.01 he may have said that. Maybe in the aftermath of Hollywoodland he said/thought that. But after 2.04? (sub-point that adds to this; I believe @trash-by-european-villains made a post of a similar nature where they said that Rufus is loyal. he is a loyal friend to Wyatt, yes, but he’s also a loyal friend to Lucy. and he might have been pushing Wyatt to say something during WWII and waving metaphorical pom-poms after 2.03, but just because he was the captain of the lyatt cheering squad for the first few episodes (a separate issue altogether, but i digress) does not mean that he would continue supporting them being together after the mess that happened with Jess. He spent the rest of the season supportive of Wyatt making a go of it with Jess but also there to comfort Lucy in her reactions to it (when he was included in that plot at all) and honestly if you think he was still waiting in the wings for a lyatt reunion after seeing how hurt Lucy was by the entire situation, then I’m inclined to think you don’t think too much about Rufus as his own character or about Rufus and Lucy’s friendship.

And especially after 2.06? Nope, nuh-uh, he had his own shit to deal with. And that shit came into direct conflict with Wyatt’s shit and he was not happy about it, so honestly get outta here with that ‘it’s what Rufus would have wanted’ bs because I do not think he could have cared less about lyatt with everything else going on. (also, small, petty point becauseimstillmadwelosthimatall - Rufus is……how should I say this…dead. you know what he wanted? to not die. Rufus doesn’t give a single fuck about who you love ‘wherever he is’ Wyatt, and I’m so mad that they gave him the gall to include that line at all).

Moving on - and more to your point nonnie - I get that Wyatt was grieving and not fully in control of his emotions/actions, I will most definitely allow him that. He has gone through a lot of confusing feelings this season, and then in the finale he was ‘betrayed’ (quotes because I’m still not over that whole storyline and wow. much shock.) by the person he saw as his family, loses his wife all over again - this time by her choice and taking his child with her - and then loses his best friend. So of course he’s a mess, I get that. However…..know who’s also a mess? Know who also lost any family they had left, and their best friend, and even themselves? Lucy.

Lucy Preston has systematically been broken down through this entire season; she has lost everything and she has gone to a VERY dark place (I’m talking dark and scary and violent- let’s not forget that if that gun has been loaded, Lucy would have sprayed Emma’s brain all over that alley). And I don’t know if that ‘confession’ was supposed to be Wyatt comforting her or a nice moment for them to bond over their shared pain, but it sure as hell was neither for me. Lucy has spent the majority of this season having to grin and bear her way through this whole Jessica situation; had to deal with the pain of losing Wyatt and then seeing him (and hearing him) with his wife every damn day; had to deal with Wyatt wanting to have his cake and eat it to, with him not understanding that she needed space and instead expecting their relationship to be as close and comfortable as it had been, and damn that is a lot. And then on top of that she has losing her mom, losing Amy, losing Rufus piling onto her shoulders. If anyone should be making wild statements and confessions, it should be Lucy.

Putting all that aside, the timeline of the episode and how it led to Wyatt’s ‘confession’ irks me. Whatever your feelings on Jessica, it is made very clear that Wyatt loved and likely still does love her. It might not be the same way he did before the reveal; he might not want to, but this woman was his family and he spent years trying to get her back and she is carrying his child and he still has a connection to and feelings for her. Even if you want to argue that the feelings are only about the baby, they’re still there. We go from Wyatt pleading Jess to stay with him, telling her through teary eyes that he’s her family, he and the baby are her family and her future, and stopping Flynn from shooting at her because she’s carrying his child, to Wyatt sitting next to Lucy and essentially telling her he’s been in love with her the whole time. And it just doesn’t match up with what we’ve seen and it doesn’t make sense.

Because that means that either Wyatt HAS been in love with Lucy this whole time, but he still tried to make things work with Jess (not supported by the plot, but ya know) which isn’t fair for either woman but is honestly cruel to Lucy, because in that case there was no reason for her to go through so much pain on Wyatt’s behalf when he could have just told Jess from the start he had fallen for someone else; or (supported by the plot) he did have feelings for Lucy but he got his wife, who he never properly let go of/moved on from, back, and he stopped whatever he had started with Lucy to try again with Jess, in which case I still maintain it could have been handled SO much better but his actions are more understandable. But if it is the latter, than the show just stomps all over everything it had previously told us by having Wyatt say he’s been in love with Lucy and ‘should have said it a long time ago, but I didn’t so I’m saying it now’.

The whole thing feels very contradictory and - to ME - really just makes Lucy look like a second choice. By which I mean Wyatt went through all this drama, all this mess with Jess, and then after her secret was revealed - again, much shock. - and he STILL ran after her and tried to convince her to stay with him, maybe 3-4 hours later he’s telling Lucy he’s loved her through all of it, which, no, doesn’t hold water for me. Lucy does not deserve that being thrust on her with everything else she’s dealing with, regardless of Wyatt’s state of distress/unstable emotion.

And, to bring the two points - kind of - together, she REALLY did not need Wyatt’s feelings thrust upon her with the added note - and pressure - that this is what Rufus would have wanted. Which just…..mhmhm that was so unnecessary. Because - again, to ME - that makes it feel like Lucy is almost being guilted. ‘It’s what Rufus wanted’ - well first of all, no, second of all it makes it seem like she’d be disrespecting Rufus’s memory or his wishes if she DOESN’T respond to this positively. And I know that’s not the intention, but wow it sure is what I got out of it.

So…..TLDR nonnie; while I can understand and sympathize to a certain extent with the pain and turmoil and guilt Wyatt is feeling, the timing and phrasing of his ‘confession’ really rubbed me the wrong way and I don’t feel like it benefited anyone other than Wyatt himself.

[reneereadskingdomofash]

The KoA Prediction Post - MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS BELOW CUT - I JUST DONT KNOW. *shrug*

My book is here, I haven’t even opened it for fear that even the map could spoil me - and believe me, that is incredibly hard for me if you have seen my Erilea post. 

So Below the cut I’m going to put some of my predictions for Kingdom of Ash. I don’t want to be too specific, and this isn’t a theory post - the boat has sailed on those due to no time left to write them. (just finished writing it and it got long... whoops)

Please do not read if you don’t want my predictions. 

I have avoided all spoiled content and even excerpts released by bloomsbury/+partners. 

I have only read the acotar/tog series before this... a few times tho ;). 

I have only skimmed koa quotes on those lovely blue backgrounds and tried not to freak out about them - or look too deeply because I viewed those as spoilers of a kind.

so here we go...

KOA PREDICTIONS - IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

Character Predictions:

1. Yrene is a witch

2. Elorcan will be ok

3. Chaol will use his cane in a fight

4. Yrene has royal blood - light of Ellwye was Nehemia’s title, but what if it belonged to another?

5. Elena lied to the gods when she promised the sacrifice of Mala’s heir because Gavin tasted her lies - reveal what she will do instead. Gavin promised something to the Sin eater god - cant remember if thats just theory or confirmed anymore.

6. Elide is revealed to be descendant of Rhiannon and maybe... maybe... Brannon’s line. A hidden child from a relationship that grew after Mala’s sacrifice and once Elena was laid to rest, So Elena would have no knowledge - I remember that hand brushing Brannon’s cheek in that tomb.

7. Evangaline is super important - either as a child for Rowaelin when they cannot have their own or to bring hope to Terrasen. I’m always suspicious of children being given major roles in an otherwise “adult/post18yrold” world (but that means the likelyhood of Lysandra dying is high and that hurts - a lot!! so I don’t want to think of it too much).

8. I’m not predicting deaths - i’m not ready.

9. The Bluebloods side with Manon. 

10. Dorian/The King of Ardarlan has/had witch blood

11. Chaol’s family keep/heritage is about fighting darkness seeping through from the whitefangs and ferrian gap and will be important. 

12. Darrow has to die. He’s too much like the “steward of Gondor” in Lord of the Rings and pisses me off. So he can just die. 

13. Maeve is not going to die. thats my gut telling me that.

Storyline Predictions

1. There will be a volcanic eruption that will seal ancient gateways that used to be used bring things from other worlds into Erliea. - rising up from the core of Erilea and spreading into all the forgotten places in the world.  

2. There will be a lake that acts as a traveling mirror - aka the silver lake. Maybe to another realm as Nesryn saw shadows in the lake on the southern continent, and that just seems way to convenient OR to another continent or place as a means of escape OR for armies to travel through.

3. The Wyrd gate will be in the Ferrian Gap/Omega... though 

“RIFT // HOLD” is so obvious. it could easily be there too. 

4. Aelin will not be able to save the day alone

. - joining of the 12 scions who each have a god guiding them - they will all be needed at some point, sacrifice for the endgame is possible or a special skill. its yet to be seen. 

5. Yrene is taking the place Nehemia thought was hers. The light of Ellwye.

... Traveling Mirror in EOS - 

“Keys and gates and locks—portals and pits and prophecies.” EOS 

She is going to deal with the “pits” of despair within everyone, saving the creatures infected by the Valg. (A discussion between Dorian and Manon in Eos about what will happen to the witches is still at the forefront of my mind - what will happen to All the valg creatures who have been a part of Erilea for millennia? I think Yrene will take away the “parasitic valg” and try to heal those she can, but it will be more about people learning to accept the good with the bad. Looking at ourselves and knowing that we are more than just good are evil. That to find a soul mate they see everything of us, the good the bad the ugly and accept it. That we need to accept it in ourselves to accept it in others. And that we all have the potential to be consumed by this darkness, but only if we let it. (Woah that got philosophical) 

“Yrene said quietly, “The darkness belongs to you. To shape as you will. To give it power or render it harmless.”  TOD

“This pit. The bottom of the descent. The hollow hell beneath the roots of a mountain. Here, where all was locked and buried. Here, where all had come to take root. The empty foundation, mined and hacked apart, crumbled away into nothing but this pit. Nothing.” - TOD

6. Confirmation that ACOTAR and TOG are linked closer than We know. Either Geography will match up after a volcanic eruption or a revel will ocurr eg we see it through the wryd gate. There are just tooooo many similarities. 

- I’m still so torn. Either Aelin pours the light into the Afterworld through the Wryd gate and spreads life and renewal into a dark cold world. aka prythian. And she sends some people/creatures there too.

- Or they die and go there too. which hurts but ok. 

- Or Erliea is Prythian and geography changes over time and magic changes after Aelin makes the cauldron.

- Aelin makes the cauldron as a “lock” to hold the wyrd keys. and uses manon’s iron to do it. Iron can negate the magics effects, hold it, contain it. And manon’s iron is already combining the magic from fae and valg together. so ... yea... I have thoughts.  

7. The lock/eye of elena/three-faced goddess. is the “key” to forging the lock, the circles telling them who they need, whose power to combine and it needs the power of different people to bind together. raw power + 3/4 women.  

8. Maeve will travel as far from the Wyrd Gate as possible. She doesn’t want it used. So Maeve will probably be in Donarelle or the Black Dunes - Coz I still think Maeve traveled around the world a bit and has come cults working for her, so she can do that. (I wrote a poem a long time ago about Maeve=Lani=Vanth=Styrga if you want to see my thought process).

9. Wolves - All wolves are loyal to Aelin. Just like healers who shape shift into owls were loyal to Silba. Its a clue. Anyone who isn't described as wolflike I would be suspicious of. Spider-like = bad guy. aka Maeve.

10. Arthril = stuck next to maeve as an owl. hes in owl form. unable to change. fleed when Maeve got the golden ring from aelin in hof. suspicious. 

11. Erawan is contained again in black stone, because Aelin doesn't want him finding a way back. Contained in Erilea on a mountain or Contained in the Afterworld - yet to be seen.. though that stone monolith on Ramiel in ACOFAS is not giving me the best feeling. 

12. Maeve is Styrga and is contained not destroyed. I dont think maeve is gonna die - She is kept in place, magic depleted. the ancient forest watching over her. Oakwald forest - that alive forest with sentience, keeps her contained. she is near the Sacred mountain in ACOTAR because this is the Sacred mountain that Aelin either pours the cauldron onto or that she erupts from. (depending on if Prythian is in the afterworld or Erilea). 

13. Judging by Maps - Morath seems a likely location for a volcanic eruption. the whole bottom of Erilea has volcanic activity - black sands, volcanic rock in the dead islands, simmering water in Ellwye and a catastrophic event that made the land collapse - aka some geographical phenomenon. though in Tower of Dawn Chaol mentions hot springs near Anneille so I guess there is volcanic activity up there too, so it could equally be an eruption at the Omega or near the Omega. Or both. Y i k e s.   

13. Lorcan and Aelin will need to work together - darkness and light. and lorcan wont be happy about it. there has to be a light and dark link - but these two having such animosity towards eachother makes me think it might be them.

OK I’M GOING TO STOP THERE BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO READ THIS DAMN BOOK. AND ILL NEVER STOP AND IT IS ALREADY TURNING INTO A DAMN THEORY POST.

Honestly I have a whole discord for my theory quotes / thoughts right now. lol non-published ones. and i also bla bla my thoughts all through this. so like. hahaha. lets get into this.  

[dylovvrs]

alright, after a few days of being upset, here’s basically everything!

so this guy texts me and we just casually talk. meaning we both just respond to each other after like about every eight hours. it wasn’t anything

then randomly, after i was thinking about just leaving him on delivered, i decided not to and texted him again (just thinking we’d continue to have those boring respond-after-eight-hours convos again). but after that day, we started like actively talking back and forth. we got so immersed into talking that we already started insulting each other like hardcore and i even curated a nickname for him.

this was literally all in one day which is weird to me. that night, we had a literal hard time saying goodnight when i told him about my phone limit. things got so weird that night, too, like we started talking like normal civilized humans where i actually learned some things about him, and he about me (we didn’t just insult each other). he even said something about this, something like “you were just insulting me about two minutes ago”

i asked him IF he wanted me to keep insulting him? bc he really made it sound like so, and even replied with “well i’m not going to say no”

then, we started insulting each other again and i basically ended the conversation by joking around, saying “lets not talk tomorrow” “have a bad night” (basically the opposite of what someone would usually say before going to bed) and before actually sleeping, i logged onto insta for a minute with the “one minute” feature my limit provides, and saw he replied with saying goodnight to me and, exactly quoted, “IM SORRY (my name) I WANT TO TALK TOMORROW”

things legit felt so cool? like it felt like something was blooming there. idk. i got really happy, hence my posts from around this time, and i truly felt something. like my heart was beating and i was smiling that whole night. i couldn’t even sleep that night. i kept waking up every 15 minutes, and couldn’t wait until my limit was up at 6 am because i honestly so badly wanted to go back and text him.

i ended up waking up at 5:30 am that morning, and you guessed! at 6, i texted him

that morning also felt weird. like it felt like something weird from the night before was being brought into the next day. this was also the day we came back from break. idk. i literally dont even know how to explain what i was feeling, i just knew i definitely started to like him

that day was cool, we basically talked all day.

but what started being weird was a couple of days later. the next day, which would be wednesday, things were fine but we didn’t talk as much in school as we did on the previous tuesday. i didn’t think much of it because literally that wednesday night, we talked after school.

after school he had a club meeting and when he came home from it, he texted me right away saying “i just got home from so and so” and i was like oh wow he let me know for some reason (i wasn’t like upset he wasn’t answering i was just surprised he clarified). we talked like normal for that evening

then things got weird again that night. he actually was talking about his homework and missing work the most that night and i told him id help him with some if it, so i gave him ideas for his design work since i like graphic design and things felt so domestic like i was seeing a side of him i didn’t know. he whined about school to me, then begged me to take a break from homework. and when i got home, he told me he’d wait for me to get done eating in order to start his assignments again.

then that same night, right before my midnight limit, i asked him what makes him happy (bc he like mockingly asked me why smth made me happy— it was like me being happy i made him laugh i think) and he said making others smile and laugh. i replied with cute, bc i did think it was cool and cute. then then oml he replied with (LITERALLY SAID THIS WORD FROM WORD):

what

you?

ik

I JUST— OML

(also i just realized i got my days mixed up and he said this on tuesday)

i definitely freaked out

then we said goodbye and stuff but after that night, i noticed he would be active on insta that next day (actually wednesday) but take a little longer to reply to me than the last couple days. i only thought it was weird a little but didnt let it really bother me

but then after that, he stopped replying really fast to me and his responses were really short and dry. it confused me so much bc i literally had no clue what had happened

on wednesday night, i left him on seen bc he seemed so bored and uninterested in what i was saying so i said screw it and left him on seen. it felt like he didnt want to talk to me anymore, so i respected that

then, i went through pretty much the whole day thursday without a text from him. that’s when i kind of made those other posts about me being upset.

THEN he fucking texts me out of no where thursday afternoon during my biology class, and i wanted to punch him so bad. i felt so confused

i replied after maybe thirty minutes then he started texting me normally for about an hour, then went back to normal and started replying dryly again. i left him on open again, and have no received a text from him since

this really bothered me :( like remember my story of not being able to sleep bc of him? well that happened again wednesday night, except i couldnt sleep bc i couldn’t think what i had done wrong. i didnt get sleep that night and i even had a dream of him ignoring me and talking to my best friend.

that next night i had another negative dream about him (i dont remember) but what’s funny is that same night of not being able to sleep bc of us starting to talk (the good time) i actually had a good dream about him (lol). so its like everything happend again, just one of them was good and the other was bad.

i just was and still am confused what suddenly changed. its weird, bc this all happened so fast. we were talking regularly for only a few days and out of no where this happend. it wasn’t even like we were just casually talking either, he literally called me cute then stopped talking to me. i just dont know what happened??

and this really upsetted me more than it should have honestly. i’m tbh still kind of sad over it but definitely not as much as i was at first. anyways, i shouldn’t spend too much of my time worrying about him. he has his own reasons, though i wish i knew, i’m sure its just simply boredom? like i dont thibk it was anything serious anyway, so i think ill be okay.

(i still hope i see him at another meeting)

oh did i tell you that’s how we basically met? we were at the same meeting for school, though we go to different schools, and a week later he followed me on insta then dmed me then at one point told me he remembered me from the meeting and thought i was cute.

also, to make things more complicated, i already knew who he was way before we even started talking. my best friend *tht same one from the dream* had a crush on him and talked to me a lot about him. well actually she never told me she had a crush on him, i just speculate she did (or does). a part of me thinks she does by the way she talks of him, but her getting a boyfriend after initially telling me about him kind of defied my speculation. so i dont really know what he meant to her

but if things would have lets say worked out with him, he would’ve been the second guy i “stole” from my best friend. i had a thing with a guy from the same school the other goes to from end of may to august and he actually.. basically, led on my other two friends. another friend from the other school introduced us three (me, my best friend and another friend) to this guy and both my friends instantly thought he was cute. i said he was alright, because the pictures she sent were older.

anyways, he started talking to my friend and we all thought they were a thing. turns out, he never liked her (only she liked him) as he started talking to my best friend. then we all thought they liked each other until he found… me.

he told me he’d found me when my friend sent him a picture of me via snapchat, and he instantly thought i was cute. he even asked her who i was, and he began literally finding my socials

kind of out of topic but i legit caught him stalking me LMAO we were on a call for the first time (this is where i met him) and he was screen sharing on discord in a group call (consisted of me, my best friend, him, and another guy) bc i think my best friend was showing him vsco? and as he left that tab, we all saw his insta tab and it was on MY vsco link… where pictures of ME were.. i even said “why tf my vsco on ur insta” and he literally exited that tab so fast and said nothing. i didn’t know he actually heard me until he told me in like july LMAO

anyways anyways, basically he led both of them on and went for me.. and i as the worst friend ever liked him back! it seriously ruined our friendships a little, bc that first friend stopped replying to both me and my best friend on snap, then my best friend seemed mad at me for awhile.. and she was actually mad at me at one point (she admitted) bc she told me shed watch fruits basket with him, when he suddenly stopped and was watching it with me instead (OKAY, to defend myself here, i had no clue they ever watched it together)

and now, if she does or even did like this other guy, id feel like i was just chasing after guys she never could get with. that would make me the worst friend in the world.