#also i realised i didnt say anything at all about uni but i dont have any news like that Einführungsveranstaltung (😭) I went to was literall

[romeowsblog]

The reason i cried that day and why it didn't stop .

I was on my way to pick up my brother, since my dad was busy so i offered, my mom wanted to visit her mother so i told her i will drive you there after i pick him up - two good things. I was doing good things, or at least i wanted to.

The next thing, an accident! A tractor hits the side of my car. Im shocked of course, i call my dad, im embarrassed, i try to hide it, im angry, i do nothing about it. - the car will take a week to fix , im told. Im frustrated. We get home, i decide to clean the stairs to do anything jist to get my mind off things. Im thankful for my dads support and sure things will be okay. I text my dad to ask what happened. My brother gets home with my car, he tells me they fixed it temporarily with a screw until they get the parts needed. Im frustrated even more because ibhave woork and i have to drive to uni and i dont know what im gonna do now and this is really not the right time, why me.

My dad calls me to explain the situation, he tells me they wont fix it until monday, and that i can drive to work with it in this state. I argue that it could be dangerous and that its okay, i can take a taxi until it's fixed. I fet yelled at for supposedly yelling and not speaking properly, i shut up after an "okay, you do what you think is good" because arguments and opinions are not allowed in this house.

I try to distract myself with a tv show and it works, until my dad gets home, he starts by yelling at me again and saying how he didn't like the way i spoke to him, i try to explain how i dont think driving to work would be the smartest idea and that it should be fixed asap even if it means me taking a taxi- i get yelled again because "do you see how you are yelling? Are you seeing yourself right now."

I shut up because i already feel dumb and hideous and every terrible feeling since this week has been hell already before all this shit and i have already been in so much mental and physical pain that i told no one about. My tears betray me. My parents stare at me as if im stupid. I shout "yes im crying "

"Why are you crying?"

" because i feel. Stupid, i have no idea what is going on and youre just yelling am i not allowed to cry"

"No, crying makes you weak, be strong. Why do you cry every time someone disagrees with you" (false i cry when he screams at me and i feel too weak to reply)

"I think i havent cried in front of any strangers, im allowed to cry at home, where else would i cry if not at home."

"Stop crying "

"Okay " i try and fail

My parents start talking about plans for tomorrow's lunch, im desperately craving a hug, soft words , qny type of comfort although i already know it wont come. Im the one who always comforts never the one being comforted. No matter the situation.

Dad turns to leave , i yell after him " at least dont go while youre angry at me"

"Im not angry, why would i be angry" he shouts again.

"Im just really frustrated and i know the accident is not my fault and i know i dont understand cars but id really like to understand "

Id also really like a hug but i think id pass out if i actually said these word out loud.

Dad leaves, mom acts as of nothing happened. I go to my room and cry , nobody checks on me, nobody asks, its ok. Im used to this but it still hurts. The next day my family acts as if nothing happened and at first its difficult but then i try to do the same. The third day im in pain, physical pain that is unrelated, so i refuse to go somewhere with me and i get yelled at because "we didnt always have cars, every time something happens to your car you treat us like its our fault" and "look at yourself in the mirror"

And im just so tired. Would it be too much to ask for someone who genuinely cares about me and will hug me when im sad without judging? I face so many tiring things daily things i really want to vent and speak about with someone but then i realise there is no one who would listen to me and genuinely care and will not end it with a lecture or cut to their own story and jist ignore me. I want to talk about my life but theres really no one to talk about t with.

[selfcareparker]

yesss the letter format 💝💓💘💖💞💕💖💞💓 (lovely anon)

my dearest aria (a hamilton reference lmao),

i’m home alone (bc i wanted the house alone to get my head together after my brothers were mean to me 🙃) and i’m so hype LMAO but i’m watching chloe x halle’s tiny desk concert and honestly just vibing. (this is so random) besides zendaya like they are my badass black women role models. my one accomplishment would be to learn to body roll like them LMAO

oh nevermind i can’t have anything nice, my dad just came home 🙃 WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS ASK WTFFF

i’m liking tfatws, the second episode was veryyy intense imo but WANDAVISION IS SO GOOD😭 i knew it was going to be my favorite from the really old trailer but it’s really good and i promise it’s not just sitcoms, girl especially cuz you’ll have all the episodes already out- we were having to wait every week😭 BUT ITS SO GOOD I PROMISE HDJSHDJSH lmao reading this i was like “i- the episodes aren’t an hour long” but i feel that, it’s hard for me to watch tfatws bc they are an hour long and i’m like 😐 but wandavision episodes are less than 30mins bc I KID YOU NOT they have the damn 10 MINUTE CREDITS DHDJSJ no i don’t think we’ve talked about this b4 lol but it all depends on the series for me. i binged love island uk in less than a week bc i was so invested and LITERALLY LOVE IT but uh those episodes are like an hour and a half, but say i was binging tfatws (it’s so hard to type that ohmigosh) i honestly would not be able to do it bc of the intensity (you may be like what intensity but if you’ve seen episode 2 by the time you’re reading this.......... isaiah and the scene afterwards is all i have to say, esp me being black it was so tough :/)

girl you’re fine, as long as you’ve experienced it once hahaha i think the reason why it’s so important to my family (this letter feels so personal and extreme HSJSJA IM SORRY) is bc my grandmother loved it and in my family i guess it’s just important to us lol like my mom and dad love it too and we have the literal VHS tapes LMAO, but it only came up recently cuz my youngest brother was watching lion guard HAHA and he wanted to see the originals :) and fun fact (unless you already know) but there’s a lion king part 2 and 1 1/2 and i have all three ON VHS HAHAHA but i love lion king 1 duh (the og) but part two’s music and love story..... is so good. anyway. 🦁

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING DURING THE WHOLE MOVIE THEATER ENCOUNTER THING HAHAHA AND WHEN SHE WAS SAYING AWKWARD I WAS LIKE WTF THE NOISE LMAOOOO i don’t think there’s a better way to describe that whole situation than ZKDHDJSHAJAJSHDJSNAHA. yeah. yeaaaa at the cinemas (i like the word cinema more than movies 🥰) here they have chips (fries), some have ice cream, nachos, drinks, hot dogs, the cinema we were at had pretzels and like BURGERS I WAS LIKE HUH OKAY and ya know obviously popcorn but i don’t know why the theaters (or cinemas) here do that, it started a long time ago though like yearsssss

PLEASE i have the longest movie watchlist and uhh haven’t seen any of them JDJSKA (istg i use HSJSSKSH as a period - like . ) i’m still hype for cherry but very hesitant (idk if i can handle it) but i’m thinking about watching it in the next couple of weeks? i know it’ll take me forever bc i’m gonna have to keep pausing and shit but idk. i’ve asked around for very specific trigger warnings and time stamps so i REALLY know what’s coming (even if it spoiled the film a bit for me) but i do really wanna see it (i think? writing this now i’m not so sure lol) so whooooooo really knows lol, but chaos walking YES i was really excited about it :))) and about my friend uhh dude you don’t sound mean at all i was literally thinking the same thing but worse HAAKL idk what she was there for???? she bought my ticket tho so 💁🏾‍♀️ whatever

“SIMS ahh, BUNK BEDS ahh” had me cracking up lmao and you know my sims status JAJAHHAJ but i’m gonna become like you, saving every 5 minutes 😭 but that’s exactly what happened to me, i really didn’t know whether to shut it off or not but after 2 hours i was heartbroken lol i’m literally making a list of things i need to redo that wasn’t saved lmao

CAN I JUST SAY UR A MASTERMIND THOUGH??? UR SIMS GAME SOUNDS SO *chefs kiss* IM CRINE university is PAINFULLY long and LITERALLY I FEEEL THAT like you can’t do anything else without failing, i had my sim go to a party once for like a few hours and i felt so dumb afterwards like urgh he should’ve been studying LMAOO just cracking down on work honestly. UR NEIGHBOR!AU IN THE SIMS PLEASEEE i am very much in love with it, yes. (pouring rain has just suddenly begun where i am rn wow ok) i love that you put them on the same lot, that was really really smart and i love that ur living out your sexuality in the sims😭 i was abt to say “now you can say you’ve got experience bc of the sims” but ANYWAY IGNORE ME fhdhs THE ALIEN BABY DHSJSK i hope it’s not a dealbreaker for enisa. that’d be tragic. IM BACK IN UPPERCASE THO BC YES MAKING OUT IN THE SIMS IS SO HOT TO ME??? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE STFU OH MY GOSH- all the stuff, whispering sweet nothings, and the making out, and JUST ALL OF IT!!! AM I TOUCH STARVED????? there was this time i made my sim just continue to woohoo bc it was turning me on big time. ANYWAY

half way through that i had to go to my grandmothers house (not the one that likes lion king, but uh hmm idk if you remember but i was talking abt my shit family so yeah that grandmother lol) so now i’m finishing this 🥴 and instead of chloe x halle i’m watching a tom interview lmao & if this takes me longer than 30 minutes.... imma cry

I REALLY WANNA ASK- IS IT BC UR GERMAN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WRITE OUT THAT LONG ASS WORD???? i mean i can’t write out supercalafrag- anyway, but that word is a bit nonsense, UR WORD IS A REAL WORD DUDE HDJSHS i love how ur like “maybe i mixed up these words” YEA OK.

lol i had to google what are waveformers lol (lol makes a comeback) and they look like curlers that you would sleep in (here we would call them curlers or uhm i forgot uhhhhhhh rollers i think) but ur fine when am i ever making sense?? i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌

H20 H20 H20 OH MY GOODNESS SHE BROUGHT UP H20 OK MY LIFE WAS H20🥲 I HAVE THEIR LOCKET NECKLACE AND (short storytime) when i was younger i thought they were american despite their accents (idk i was dumb) but then i figured they weren’t when lewis went to go study in america HAHAH ALSO FAVORITE COUPLE CLEO AND LEWIS UGH WATCH ME REWATCH THE SHOW NOW THANKS (also i hated elizabeth so much) but anyway back on topic, when lewis went to go study in the US i looked up where the show took place and all that good stuff and i found out they were australian HAHAH and that started my obsession with accents LMAO the uk :’)) (i’m proofreading AND AUSTRALIA IS NOT A PART OF THE UK LMAOO IM SOO DHSJSSHS) also it is now one of my many goals (besides the body roll HAHAH) to go to mako island (that’s what it’s called right??)

about music, i googled stormzy and i might listen to a song of his.. LOL I WANNA GIVE IT A TRY IMMA DO IT FOR YOU NFDVSFSG lmaoo the german rapper had me cackling (autocorrect once again being helpful and said raper and i’m like nOO) i mean we all have that one person. can’t lie, won’t lie. my one (IM SORRY BUT AUTOCORRECT HAD “MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT” SITTING AND READY HDJSJA I DONT EVEN TYPE THAT wHAT) person out of my white soft boy with brown hair and brown eyes type would beeeee pete davidson. love me some petey. i was gonna say rex orange county as well lmao but i don’t really loveeee him i’m just in love with his music... and wanna be friends with him..... so 👉🏾👈🏾 (i never do that fdshsh)

oh my goodness, i love tattoos too- GASP what are you thinking of getting 🥺 i want tattoos too but i’m too indecisive to figure out what to have & where. especially in my family... idk they aren’t frowned upon but my mom’s not applauding the thought lol, if i got one it would have to be meaningful but i am absolutely in love with (for example) ariana grande’s finger tattoos !! they’re so cute and simple :’) i don’t even know if i can get tattoos? my skin is... interesting. not in a bad way!! just like.... idk how to explain it??? keyloids run in the family & i got a piercing once and it got infected soo :/ the doctor also confirmed that if i wanted tattoos they couldn’t be in color so LMAO

ONCE AGAIN THIS WHOLE THING FEELS SO TMI DHSHSSJ IM LIKE OHMIGOSH SHUT UP SHE DOESNT CARE JESJSKS

in regards to you not sleeping, i wanted to mention that dumb bird, what was the reason it was up so early aT 4AM???? SIR WHO YOU CALLING TO??? also it’s 11:30pm and idk why i’m tired???

yeah i was never SUPER into justin so i don’t know exactly what albums you’re talking about lol, i do know yummy though.. but everyone did hahaha also i listen to so much pop 🙈 i mean maybe... idk what would count as pop and what wouldn’t. that new person feeling though.. i get that. it’s like who is this new person..? i kinda feel like that with taylor swift (i was never THAT into her either though so it’s like oh wait i didn’t know you from the beginning instead of hello old friend but you’re different lol)

about the concerts, thanks 🥰🥰 that’s so sweet what you did for your mom too, it’s nice seeing them so happy like 🥲 awh AND GLEE IS AND WAS MY LIFE FOR A V V LONG TIME, i’ve been meaning to rewatch it for the longest time lmaooo but i’m just so lazy and it’s such a commitment... i’ll have to get emotionally involved again and idk if i want that rn. but i have a friend on instagram and she runs a glee fan account and it’s such a big part of her life i really don’t think i could ever be THAT obsessed with something. like another one of my friends loves tom holland so much that she changed her mom’s name in her phone to what tom’s mom’s name is in his phone (that was confusing lol) and obviously i’m not judging them AT ALL, it just couldn’t be me lol

CONCERTS LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN 😩😩 LIKE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE FEELINGGG URGHSJS i wanna see a few people live like ari and chloe x halle and- hmm.... idk who else FJDSJ rex orange county i guess huh anyway, the experience just sounds so amazing and the atmosphere is just ✨✨✨ yeah

aria do it do it do it do it do it- watch hamilton!! but with subtitles bc you won’t catch half of the things they’re saying without them LMAO (me and my family watched it and they all didn’t like it bc they didn’t know what was happening lol) BUT DONT WATCH IT AT 4AM LMAO ITS LITERALLY 3 HOURS LONG

yes!! superior peter fics 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and it just shows how much of an incredible writer AND PERSON you are through your fics that you can turn a blurb into 2k....... like what.

LMAO the annoying thing, sometimes i feel like i’m bothering people (like right now HAHAH) but i think it’s my antisocial side being like yeaa no one wants to talk to you like you wanna talk to them :’) idk it’s strange!! sometimes i get really ✨insecure✨ and overthink everything LOL like is this too long, im talking too much, i’m swearing too much, oh lord i’m a pain, all that good shit lmao so that’s fun:))

ALSO YOUR BLOG IS SO FUN TO ME HAHAK LIKE ITS JUST YOUR OWN AND I LOVE THAT!!! like you talk about everything and anything on here lol,, and i say that bc what you said lmao how if i was someone else i would want to fuck me so bad😭 i honestly don’t understand how i don’t have people lining up though..... but if no one’s gonna tell you... then you tell yourself, period (and sometimes telling yourself is fucking yourself HSHAJKS OK NEXT)

ohmigosh the realization you had that you graduated last year and are going to uni this year🤧 but the fact that you had a teacher who LEFT THE GROUP CHAT bc she was mad at y’all i- 😭 but yeah about your maths (i always wondered why you guys call it maths and the US calls it math. like i know so many people out of the states, not just in the uk that say maths) teacher- i saw this post that said online school is looking a lot like dora the explorer😭😭 “you have any questions?” 🦗 “okay bye then” lmao and please i love when tests have nothing to do with what you studied like ??? thanks? sometimes i get scared that my teacher will somehow find out that i googled everything? or like my answer is too close to the answer sheet or something. i get sooo nervous lol but i’m already past that point of not being able to do anything myself DHJS i mean i’m still learning like i said!! read the question, read the answer. boom. now i know the answer to the question and i learned!

THANKS 🙈🥰🤧 idk how else to explain my feelings LMAO i feel it’s cool that you find my dance lessons and voice lessons cool so thanks :’)

oh god not headache season 😭😭 allergies are the worst like it’s not even funny. is headache season just when the seasons are changing or is it like... all throughout the summer? cuz i love the summer lmaoo i love the winter too but i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO

GIRL IF THAT BIRD DONT STOP CHIRPING- i am 100% convinced that it is the same bird trying to give you headaches and no sleep and it needs to stfu 😤 and pLEASE ur theme is adorable and pretty and cute but also it just feels like you? idk if i’m explaining this right or if it’s bc i’ve been talking to you for a bit but it’s cute but not innocent in a way that i’m surprised that you write smut and- yeah, that didn’t make sense!! but ur new theme is gonna look pretty too and as long as you like it, it’ll be amazing🥰

yessssss the fact that megan is gonna be ur pfp YES JUST YES

edit: ok i just need to 🥺😭 sometimes u make me wanna cry cuz i feel like you’re just a kind person. i truly mean this, the fact that you celebrate yours & others stretch marks makes me so 🥺🥺🥺 i honestly don’t know anyone who has said they want need more stretch marks and it’s just all very lovely to me :’)) OKAY IMMA STOP BEING SAPPY

#yes my fake tags are back #by popular demand #aka me #and look i have actual tags this time! #i’m seriously craving water ice rn....... huh #but it’s past midnight and i fr fr want a snack #aw man #i wrote that last paragraph while doing my tags yes #and i hope you become responsible for that anon’s orgasm #assuming they had one #and i saw your response to the tom thing and yeaa when they only look like that for something and it’s like aw bae be yourself #i’m gonna shut up now and find a snack but goodnight!! morning?? IDK #IF THESE TAGS END UP AS ACTUAL TAGS I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA #alright proofreading done and i’m gonna go eat cereal

okay i‘m on my way to a driving lesson rn and afterwards i have a zoom uni thing, and then another uni thing lmao. but hopefully i can reply to this in between because i‘ve been dying to talk to you since i got this ask dldjds💘💘💘 (i really like this heart. i had a 💖 phase for a while and now it‘s 💘 (seems like a very romantic heart but.... it is what it is idk dkddj)

^okay that was literally all i wrote before my lesson lmfao. just had the worst driving lesson ever dbdvsnylkxsksj i think i‘ve gotten too used to being good at driving and now i‘ve gotten too cocky with it 🥴 anyway i‘ve had such a stressful day and overall week but tbh i‘m already feeling better bc i can (indirectly) talk to you <333

omg i went to chloe or halle (i don‘t remember who out of the two)‘s instagram the other day and found out that they are not twins alejeleksjsksj but yes oh my god their voices are literally angelic and i can‘t wait to see Halle as Ariel (Arielle??)🥰 and omg it‘s literally 2021 and we‘ve only had......... one(?) black Disney Princess like it‘s about fucking time (I might be forgetting someone, I‘m not too familiar with the new Disney films, but as far as I remember there‘s only Tiana right? (who is literally a frog for 3/4 of the film 😭😭) so yes i‘m here for it too😌😌😌 (obviously she‘s not a cartoon like tiana ekdlek but she‘s a disney princess you know what i mean ddkjdh)

pfkejdj i‘m already overwhelmed with my parents i can‘t imagine having siblings too 😭😭 (sometimes i wish i had siblings but then other times (like after reading what you wrote dksjj) i‘m glad that i‘m an only child lmao like your brothers being mean to you and i remember when you cried and he was just like 👁👄👁 ok. like i’m totally okay being an only child sksjsj———and he doesn‘t listen to music 🤧🤧🤧 (although i guess that‘s good for you because at least he can‘t annoy you by listening to loud music that you hate dmdn)

okay okay i might watch wandavision then??? I‘ll definitely let you know!!! and yes omg i‘m loving tfatws (that really is so fucking hard to type omg) but same i totally get what you mean, i‘m not used to watching action series at all and every episode so far has been like a little movie so i‘m glad that i didn‘t wait until it was all out cause there’s no way i could binge watch that lol) and yes last episode was really intense. i‘m glad that marvel are talking about racism because (from what i‘ve seen) they haven‘t been the best in that department, and i‘m really curious to see what they‘ll do in the next episodes (curious isn‘t the right word but excited isn‘t the right wort either, like i‘m excited but in a neutral way ? i‘ll shut up dslsksj i hate that german has so many words that you cant translate because theres a really good german word that describes how i’m feeling but i cant think of a good translation ugh)

okay i absolutely need to watch lion king (and part 2 and 1/ 1/2 dksksj) AND hamilton, i might even do it soon 👀

BURGERS AT THE CINEMA? EBEEISNDBEKSK i‘ll come to the US just to go and watch a movie lmaooo, i think all the popcorn sizes and drinks are bigger as well, i‘ll come and watch chaos walking with you 😌😌 does next week work?

and yeah i‘ve seen posts with specific time stamps and trigger warning for cherry too so if you haven’t looked on tumblr yet i’ve def seen some! (but ive also seen some on twitter and yeah- i mean idk youve probably looked on tumblr but yeah- then there’s also imdb which doesn’t have time stamps i believe but quite specific warnings, mostly without spoilers!)

Tbh i don‘t think i would have even considered watching cherry if tom wasn‘t in it... (i’m personally fine with most of the triggering topics/things like for some reason i’m just stoic when i’m watching the most tragic films ever dldldldlbut the plot just... idk if it‘s for me you know? just entertainment wise?).... and even with tom in it i‘m unsure skeldls, i‘d totally get if you decide not to watch it but let me know if you do i‘d want to hear your thoughts! <3

SKSLSJJ my sims both finally graduated!! i think i played sometime last week, and i literally got the achievement/notification that i‘d been playing with this household for 24hours.... and that was BEFORE they graduated dldjdldkdksjjs

oh no my tumblr broke and three paragraphs of me talking about sims were deleted 😭😭😭

WAIT NO I TOOK SCREENSHOTSSKSK because i couldn’t press save so i knew they might be gone okay okay okay i‘m a genius

*move out

oh no idk if the quality is too bad to read... idk how good your eyes are dkdkdjjd (also sometimes it will be really bad quality for some but not for others so i hope that the you can see the pics in a normal/good quality)

Okay let me continue

OMG THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL STUFF IS THE BEST PART ABOUT THE SIMS DIDLDKJIkdkj i kind of miss how in the sims 3 they would be making out basically lying on top of each other if they were on a bed— but in sims 4 when they‘re sitting next to each other and everything that‘s definitely hot too 😌😭 or with hot tubs dkdkdk how one sim climbs on the other sim‘s lap before they woohoo (i used to make them skinny dip in the hot tub and then make out and woohoo so they’re like naked on top of each other even if you can‘t see anything- en e waysss)

Dkdkdkdj so @ Rindfleischet.. blah bla. so it‘s basically just loads of individual words put together/connected and that‘s a really big part of german. so yesterday i had an online Einführungsveranstaltung for uni (like it was a zoom meeting where they just talked about general stuff about the uni and i was really anxious before, idk why, but it turned out absolutely fine so) and that words consists of the two words Einführung (introduction) and Veranstaltung (event) which are also two individual words but you can make a new word (Einführungsveranstaltung, so in english that‘s basically “introduction event“ lmao) by combining those two words. there are obviously some rules like you can‘t just combine random words in a random order but you can basically make infinite words (technically). for example (i feel like i‘m teaching a class just skip this if you don’t care 🙃🙃🙃djdjdkdlns)

for example i could say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer (which is not underlined with red by tumblr because it is a grammatically correct compound word (i think that‘s what they‘re called?)) which is the words introduction + event + participant, so that word just means “participant of an introductory event“ but instead it‘s one word? i hope that makes sense? dkdkkdksks i mean it makes sense in german but idk if it makes sense to you cause idk if i‘m explaining it very well lmao,

(I just deleted a really really long paragraph that i wrote about gender in the german language and grammar, you‘re welcome slsksksj)

my capacity to think has now been used up for the week 🥴🥴🥴 i absolutely do not blame you if you just skipped over that part or can‘t be bothered to (re)read my awful explanation edkflsksjdjdj (again, i had double the amount of words but i just deleted it dkdkdlslsl but what‘s left lf my german lesson is probably confusing enough already😭i‘m sorry🥴)

so to answer your question LEJDKSKJ: it‘s really common to have long words in german, words that are just word+ word+ word + word made into one long word. obv rindfleischetikettierung..... is a very extreme example and it‘s normally just 2-4 words made into one! So yup i think that comes mostly from german and talking german and growing up here and going to school here and everything dmdfnsksx

i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌— YES. YES. Yes. I love that about us 😌😌🥰🥰/ I love us. Yes.

okay but your friend changing her mom‘s name into tom‘s mum‘s name (was that right? Dkdkdjh)—— so Justin Bieber once posted something where you could see that his Dad‘s number was saved as „Daddy Cakes“ (which, thinking back, sounds very weird ekejjej) and till this day I have my Dad’s contact name as Tata (which is serbian for Dad lmao), “Tata🍰“ in my phone because of it 😭😭😭😭🙃🙃🙃 it‘s not because of justin anymore like i‘ve just gotten used to it by now but at first i did it because of justin lol........ but nowadays i don‘t think i‘m THAT type of fan of anyone- like you know how people have fandom names (Justin‘s fans are the Beliebers, One Direction fans are Directioners (writing that hurt my soul💔💔💔)) and I wouldn‘t consider myself a fan of anyone like that. like even with tom i wouldn‘t call myself........ does tom even have a name for his fans??? Well if he does, I wouldn‘t call myself that. Like i used to be such a hardcore stan for any celebrity that i liked and now it‘s just... okay, i like em. (She says on her blog where she writes fan fiction about Tom Holland — WJDJEJDKELSKSKKSNSNDXB🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃)

Omg rex orange county!!!!!! I don‘t know that many songs like I‘ve only listened to the album pony, but i love it 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

thanks again for what you said about my fics/writing I‘m🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Pete Davidson Pete Davidson Pete Davidson I‘m-🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I can‘t explain why. But as blissfulparker said the other day (i don‘t want to tag her and make her read through all of this lolll) “I like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death 😍“ (or something along the lines of that) eskkejs okay pete isn‘t that bad, he looks quite good on some days but other days you‘re like... is this man alive? Like i don‘t want to be mean I love Pete so much The King of Staten Island is literally my favourite film ever (although it‘s not my #1 because of how he looks, but i mean he does look good) VUT ALSO

(Okay i was gonna look for a terrible picture of him but he really doesn‘t look as bad as people say??? like. i think he‘s hot. can‘t necessarily explain why. so that‘s that on that.)

i‘m not going chronologically right now (i just keep scrolling up to your ask and replying to whatever i see first sksksksh) so i might miss a thing or two that you said

Okay Stormzy, you really really don‘t have to dkdkdjd like i think you said you don‘t really listen to rap, and uk rap is a whole nother thing from us rap because of the accent i feel like??? (That sentence did not make sense) BUT if you‘re looking for a few songs that aren‘t like RAP rap, then I‘d recommend One Second (feat HER), Superheroes, Own it (which you might know?), ummm maybe the song Lessons?, he has a ton of Lion King references by the way dkdjdj for example in Rachael‘s Little Brother but that‘s like more RAP again if you know what I mean?😭 and it‘s also like 5 Minutes long and tbh i only started liking that song a year after that album came out lmao but Rachael‘s Little Brother is possibly my fav Stormzy song, then there is Shut Up which you absolutely need to listen to just for fun dldjdjd like it‘s just pure fun and also a little funny lmao, especially if you‘re not British (i imagine so at least) cause he‘s like shuTTTT up idk dldkdjdldkjdhdhfjfbfldlsksksks

Vossi Bop is one of his classics, and then maybeee - ok so there‘s Blinded By Your Grace Pt. 2 lmaoobdjsj it‘s very (Christian/) religious but i like it a lot even though i‘m not really Christian (at least not practicing or anything) so idk about your views on religion but i do like the song a lot just by like the sound lmao

Okay so again you absolutely DO NOT have to listen to any, especially not for me dlskdj but I really do recommend the songs Superheroes, One Second and Rachael‘s Little Brother (and all the other ones i mentioned but if you don‘t listen to a lot of his songs you should at least give these three a try <3333) also let me know some of your songs? 🥺 like i dont care who they‘re by but i‘d love to listen to some that you like and Recommend 🥰🥰🥰

Okay so skdjdjdjddhhddhdhjsk... I used to watch all of my series in German (like H2O) bc obviously they were on german tv so they were german- and i knew that most of these actors i saw on tv were american and i was always SO fascinated that they all learned german for this show??? Like I actually thought they were the people‘s real voices and that these English and American actors were learning german so they could re-record the whole ass show and do everything in german dkdkdldjdjjd... i swear I thought that until I was like 14 omg. And then the first time that I watched H2O in the original version i was sooo confused about their accents because to me all actors who spoke english were American?? I mean MOST of those shows are American so I wasn‘t completely off but yeah i was definitely caught off guard when I heard all of their Australian accents for the first time 💀💀😭😭😭

@ math vs maths, math actually makes more sense in my opinion. like you have the word mathematics, then the abbreviation would obviously be math... why would English people randomly add the s from the end??? Or maybe it makes more sense after all because it‘s like plural??? Now I‘m unsure dkdkdkdj but i do say maths because that‘s how i was taught to say it and i hear the word maths more than math but yeah dldkdjs i think math might even make more sense (okay i just tried saying math and maths is easier to pronounce but again tjat might just be me, oh god i‘ll stop talking about that disgusting thing (mathematics).)

not the crickets and dora LMAOOOSNSNSMDNBS yeah that teacher was... a lot. a lot a lot a lot didjjd but she kinda liked me so she always gave me good grades/marks but the people she didn‘t like..... ooft. OOF.

Fksksjsj idek about headache season like i just know that i get headaches from the sun and i‘m allergic to only one.. type of...pollen??? (I don’t understand the science of that whole pollen thing and idek if it’s called pollen in english i just know sex pollen from fan fics😔)and yeah we have this weird wind that makes a lot of people get headaches yeahd dkdkdj. i loved the i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO lllioool i love that i really do. i always struggle so much in the summer cause i never have anything to wear. i feel like i buy so many new summer clothes every year but when i end up looking for an outfit i don‘t ever find anything 😭 (so i just go naked— lmao jk jk) but i‘m generally not the biggest fan of summer so-

OMG THIS FUCKING BIRD ISTG, okay the first time i heard it i went to sleep at like 5 am, so the next day i was like let me go to bed earlier so the bird doesn‘t keep me up, so i went to bed at 4 am (🥲) and THE BIRD JUST STARTED FUCKING CHIRPING SO LOUDLY, so the next day i went to bed at 3 am AND IT FUCKING STARTED AT 3 AM and it‘s still there 😁 every. night.

and since you said you‘ve gotten used to my theme and everything (idk where this transition came from😭) so tomorrow (2nd april) we have our... wait what‘s an anniversary but for a month.? I think month is like mensus in latin OK NO THATS DEF WRONG DKDKDJ wait

So Tomorrow is our... mensiversary💘💘💘💘💘💘 or at least from the first time you sent an ask. i couldn‘t find it on my tumblr anymore because tumblr is a bit of a bitch but i remember the first thing you ever sent (in an ask) was something lovely about my writing and i always take screenshots of stuff like that, and i found it in my gallery. and i took that screenshot of your ask on the 2nd of march so i‘m assuming that‘s when you sent it 🥰🥰 i feel like i‘ve known you for a week not a month like how is it a month already????? (i mean this in a good way lmao but i really can’t believe that its been a month wtf)

omg no you make me want to cry because i just love you so much 😭😭🥺 but about the stretch mark thing it‘s just.. it‘s not even me trying to empower other women (or anyone else who has stretch marks) to shake off these dumb insecurities that the patriarchy and capitalism have instilled in us— ok no it‘s definitely that too lmao. But i mean I‘ve always loved stretch marks, i‘ve just always loved loved loved them so much so it makes me genuinely sad that people don‘t like them. so yeah. i dont really know how to explain it lol, like i‘m not (only) hoping that people realise that hating your stretch marks is giving the men and the patriarchy what they want per se- (that made no sense) it‘s just because i love stretch marks and think they‘re beautiful and also sexy. idk dldkdjls and omg the fact that you called me kind 🥺🥺🥺 like i don‘t really have a goal in life or anything, but if i had to choose a ‘goal‘ in life it would just be to be kind. (i‘ll end this here otherwise i‘m gonna talk about being kind for 30 more lines—)

And please. Do not ever feel like you‘re annoying me or sending too much. never ever ever. I get so happy when i see that you‘ve sent me an ask. No matter if it‘s a long one like this or just a short one where you‘re saying something about a post that i reblogged or something. I love hearing from/about you and talking to you 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

P.S: i‘m so sorry for the tags you‘re about to read they make even less sense than this post, also i reached the tag limit dkdkdj but i said some butterfly tattoos look tacky... and the next thing i said was since we‘re already speaking about Ariana- I DID NOT MEAN THAT SHE WAS TACKY dldkdjsj, i meant since you already mentioned some of her tattoos lmao

[jemmo]

loved everything you said about ep11 and the preview in the asks you got! other than ep11 being focused on pat and pran we're pretty much in the dark about what's actually going to happen. i also think a break up makes no sense and you saying some other chaos might arise is very true. bc remember how they hit us in the face with pat getting shot??

maybe a sea gull attacks and steals their food? maybe one of them (pat) almost drowns? maybe one of them (pat) almost falls off a cliff? /j

anyway do you have any crazy ideas about what kind of angst they could throw at us? i would love to hear them if so!

(i haven't been in your asks before and want to say i enjoy reading all your thoughts, both posts and tags. i appreciate them a lot bc they help me process the episodes ✨)

:))) thank you dear anon for being so sweet im glad my rants can help you deal with processing the ep bc thats what they are for me too we're all just trying to unleash our emo thoughts somehow lol

and its so so true that they really could throw something at us from left field. we had no prior hints at all for the whole gun scenario and honestly 'pat got shot' is still a sentence that i cant believe can come out of my mouth and be true lol.

and honestly, way way more so than for any other eps, i really have no clue what ep 11 is gonna hold, and that thrills me and terrifies me and excites me and makes me so so nervous. bc yes they're running away and im so so happy about that, that they're taking the time to escape all the stress. but like... for how long?? are they gonna let anyone know?? are they just gonna disappear off the face of the earth?? what about uni, and friends, and pa, what are they gonna think??

and how are they gonna spend their time?? what conversations are they gonna have?? these are all the things im really looking forward to bc first of all i just wanna see them relax and chill as they should, but also bc i feel like theyre in a place to be really honest and open with each other and really talk, yknow, let out all the stuff theyve been holding in.

and as for angst, again, i have no clue. i tried to sleep on this ask and proceeded to think about it all morning but came up with nothing and that scares me bc if i cant predict then that means they could really do anything. i know there’s that clip from the trailer or credits of them in those same outfits standing outside their houses and looking over at each other, and that scene has kinda become contextualised to me as they’re going back after having time away and facing their families. and the look to me is not sad. if anything, it has some strength. there’s reservation and fear and nerves which makes sense bc they dont know whats coming next and there’s a sort of wistfullness which we now know is bc they’re time together at the beach is over; they have to go back to reality and ‘face the music’. but that’s not a look of ‘ill never see you again’, thats a look of ‘lets go and do the hard thing knowing we’ve always got each other to hold on to’.

and i think what happens next is gonna depend on the parents more so than pat and pran. we know what they want, to be together, to be happy. we’re not sure exactly if pat’s gonna want to forgive his dad for what he did, how he’ll treat him, and likewise, we don’t know how pran’s gonna behave around his mom with this whole ‘i know why you did it but you shouldn’t have done it’ mentality when he finds out the truth. but the driving force of the story will be the parents, whether pran’s mom feels willing to forgive or move past this feud and her need for hostility, and whether pat’s dad will finally be responsible for his guilt and make steps to build bridges where he didnt before. 

but at the same time, i think what needs to mend more so than the drama between families is the relationship between the parents and their sons. what needs to be realised is that the feud should never have affected that relationship and that there’s no need for hostility there. they can hold onto their hate for each other if they really have to, but that shouldn’t extend to their sons. 

i realising that im rambling a lot about how i see a way forward but thats just me trying to be positive and also survive this week without going crazy. but you asked about angst so... i think maybe, instead of breaking up, there could be a period of separation, where pat and pran say lets sort out our own families first before we try and bring them together. maybe thats what that look was, a see you on the other side as in we can be back together normally again when we’ve resolved some things, and in the meantime they just text but concentrate more on their families?? thats not too angsty tho. and i’ve seen some guesses about possibly one of them moving away, but i couldnt see that either. pran’s mom wouldn’t move him again bc i think she feels guilty, especially after the slap she sees how her anger has hurt her son. and pat’s dad couldn’t move him bc i don’t think he has enough power over pat anymore, not now pat knows what he did. i could see moving as more as a ‘fresh start’ for one of the families bc they cant exactly get over the feud but they’re done with still trying to compete and therefore dont feel the need to live next door anymore and anger each other, but at the same time, pat and pran are still at uni together and they have 2 and 3 years left respectively, and their dorms are next to each other, and theyre adults. their parents dont have the power to uproot their lives. 

idk anon this is messy my brain is so void of thoughts which is new and every time i try to predict something i reason myself out of it in the same second. im well and truly putting this to the people bc, despite the length of this rant, i dont have any words. we’re well and truly in the dark.  

[yummynoreen]

I loved that post you did from Tafdar and his Mrs - Samina I think? Do you still have that? Please repost, it was amazing story. How are they? Are they still in the lifestyle? The closest my mrs ever got to considering other men was after reading that post. She was so wet and we had wild sex - the whole time we roleplayed she was getting fucked by another man and she loved it. Was like discovering my wife all over again! I think she'll love reading ur posts again, thank you for everything :)

This is what ur looking for I think.

I'm not in touch with them. That happens a lot. we talk for a while and then they go off to have their fun and forget all about me :(

==============================================

Hi we’re Tafdaar and Samina. We’re both Pak origin, born and live in UK. we met in uni and got married a few years ago.

I wanted to share our story about how we got started in the lifestyle, partly because I’ve been wanting to but also because Queen Noreen asked me to lol.

I’ve always been into the cuckolding fantasy. I dont know why or how it started but i’ve always gotten turned on hearing about women sleeping around, being slutty etc. the wildest sex sessions me and Samina ever had were ones where we toyed with the idea of her fucking another man. it’s not like we talked about it or planned or anything like that, just at random the idea came up and we both found it sexy and went with it. i would be very nervous saying it because i didnt want her to find out how much of a fantasy it was for me. we never talked about it outside of sex. when we did do it, she would usually take time to warm up to it but eventually really get into the fantasy. it was always me that drove the fantasy and she would chip in bits every now and then. just the idea that she was getting turned on, imagining sex with other men was a massive turn on, even though i thought it could never really happen in real life.

anyways, one day things changed. it was completely unexpected and unplanned. maybe that’s why it worked the way it did because i never had the courage to talk to her about doing any of this for real. we both kinda knew that it was a secret fantasy for each other but we never talked about it out of embarrassment, I guess.

my wife came to a work do. it was the first time she met my work mates and they really liked her. I’m quite introverted while she’s very bubbly and extroverted. she chatted to everyone, made friends and just got on really well. I think they were surprised that we were together but i guess they realised opposites attract.

after the work party a few of us moved on to a bar for drinks and more partying. we’d not been out clubbing in years so it was really fun, having a couple of drinks and dancing. i’m not a good dancer and get very self conscious. she’s got very natural moves and can be very sexy - but in a classy way - on the dance floor. as the night went on and we downed drinks, the guys from my office were getting less and less inhibited about paying her compliments and flirting. my wife hasn’t drunk for a long time so only had a couple of glasses of white wine so was just having fun.

we all danced together but each time i stepped away i noticed they didnt hesitate to dance with her and try and get her attention. nothing sleazy but i could see they couldn’t keep their eyes off her. not just my work mates but other guys in the bar too were checking her out. she was loving the attention as she’s a bit flirty by nature. or at least that used to be her nature when we dated in uni but after getting married she was less and less outgoing.

when it was time to call it a night we all started to head out and go our own ways home. one of my work colleagues, a guy named Mike, was going to be travelling in our direction so we decided to take a minicab together.

I didn’t really know Mike that well. he wasn’t on my team but he worked on our project and we were on friendly terms. He was a bit of a charmer, very confident and had a really positive attitude. I actually didn’t like him when i first met him but i grew to like him because i never heard him be negative to anyone, was always praising and supporting others and never tried taking credit for himself.

it did feel kinda weird that he was joining us in a cab and for a moment in my mind i did have that ‘what if’ scenario play in my mind about the 3 of us going back to our place. we kinda ended up with me sat at the front with the driver and him and my wife in the back. I figured I should swap seats with him but didn’t want to come across as a weirdo possessive husband getting jealous over who gets to sit next to my wife.

while driving we all chatted together but it started getting tiring me having to turn my head back to include myself and slowly i was less and less part of the conversation. they didn’t mean to exclude me and Mike especially kept trying to keep me part of it but it just naturally ended up them talking. he’s full of funny stories and kept my wife entertained the whole journey. myself and the driver as well actually!

as we got closer to home we got caught in a lot of traffic. we were about half a mile away from our house but Mike still had a lot further to travel.

my wife asked if it was ok for Mike to hang at ours for a bit till the traffic cleared. Mike didn’t want to impose and said it would be fine, he could carry on in the cab if we wanted to get off and walk the rest of the way to ours.

My wife is that kind of person, always being helpful and generous and going out of her way to be accommodate others. She’s just nice like that. but she’d put me on the spot and i didn’t want to seem rude so I said it was fine. I didn’t want it to seem like she needed my permission to invite him. in the back of my mind, i was really starting to think there was a possibility of something happening tonight so i was happy for him to come to ours, even though my head was telling me it was a bad idea with someone at work.

we got out of the cab and walked to our house. me and my wife walked arm in arm while he walked a couple of steps ahead, turning back and chatting to us as we walked. i squeezed her bum a few times and she didn’t mind. if i were in his situation i’d have felt like an awkward 3rd wheel but if he did, he didn’t show it. he was bubbly and chatty as before. him and my wife were really getting along, bouncing off each other’s humour. it was a bit smutty and crude at times, but still funny and she never seemed to mind.

when we got back to ours my wife offered to make us all coffee but then collapsed on the sofa and pleaded for me to make it! i did so and when i came back, Mike was also laying back on the adjacent 2-seater. they were chatting as before, all smiles.

my wife joked that she’d not danced for so long her feet were aching. Mike offered to massage her feet.

we were a bit stumped, neither of us were expecting that as it seemed very forward of him. before we could answer he was already dragging a foot stool across the floor in front of her, sitting down and picking up one of her legs and resting it on his thigh.

Samina was taken aback. she nervously protested, not really knowing how to react. nobody we know has ever been that forward. we’re too polite to be rude to people and so she just ended up adjusting her dress nervously while he started unbuckling her stiletto shoes.

he thought it was funny and just asked what the problem was? but he didn’t wait for my answer anyway as he popped her shoe off and started massaging her heel and the rest of her feet.

for a moment it did look like she was annoyed at me as i hadn’t said anything to stop him. she kept adjusting her mini dress so he couldnt look up it while he rubbed her feet.

he asked how it felt and she admitted it felt nice, again, too polite to sound rude and ungrateful. honestly we’re the kind of people that would apologise when someone steps on our feet lol

that said, i could see that she was getting more relaxed as he carried on.

she laughed nervously when he told her she didn’t need to be so guarded with her hand as he wasn’t trying to take a sneaky look up her dress. i laughed nervously too, not sure why, this was all very strange and we were still desperately trying to remain polite. but she didn’t move her hand. she was too weary still.

i watched as this guy got more and more comfortable massaging her feet and ankles and up her legs. he pushed her knees apart which just made her push the middle of her dress down further so he couldnt get a peek. even though it was obvious this was becoming more than an innocent foot massage neither of us said anything.

he carried on massaging her feet for a while longer, asking her how it felt, getting her to admit it felt good and relaxing. gradually he was easing her out of her discomfort and getting more relaxed. at first it was obvious she was just saying it and hoping it would be over soon. but after a while i could see she really was relaxed and not sitting as stiffly. she looked less tense.

my heart pounding in my chest, I couldn’t believe this was happening in front of me. it felt like an out of body experience.

he’d moved on from just the soles of her feet to her her toes and ankles and partway up her leg. he ventured higher when she finally decided this was too far and stopped him.

She told Mike this wasn’t right and she shouldn’t be letting him do this. then looked at me hoping that I’d tell him to stop, but before I could give an answer Mike was already telling her I was OK with it.

She looked at me straight and asked me if i was sure i didn’t mind and waited for an answer. I could tell she wasn’t just asking about him massaging her legs anymore. she was asking me seriously.

I told her it was ok trying to be reassuring and encouraging. I said what I thought the supportive husband was supposed to say in this position, watching his wife potentially get intimate with another man. to be honest, i felt kind of paralysed by fear, nerves, embarrassment, shyness, whatever you want to call it. it felt like things were just happening and i was a spectator.

Any sense that this was just an innocent foot massage was long gone. part of me screamed i should really call a halt to this but all i could do is stare as Mike ran his hands up and down her legs, past her knee, over her thighs and working up higher and higher still. he wasn’t just rubbing and massaging now but stroking and caressing. and she was allowing it. we both were.

Mike managed to get his hands high enough up her thighs and under her dress even while she was pulling the middle down to cover her crotch. She couldve stopped it at any time if she really wanted to but, like me, we were caught in the moment. he was openly groping my wife, feeling her up, there was no hiding what was happening now. she was letting him and i was powerless to stop it.

Mike finally took her hands and placed them flat on the seat of the sofa either side of her legs. she didn’t want to move them at first but he was insistent. after that her legs were wide open and he now had an unhindered view of her panty covered crotch now.

he started pushing her minidress higher but she kept pulling it down again each time it got too high up. the whole time he could see her panties anyway so it was kind of pointless. It was just something she did out of habit. each time he put her hands back on either side of her and would carry on as before. eventually she gave that up as well and just let him push the hem of the dress higher. she even lifted her bum off the sofa so he could pull it higher till it was just above her naval. her bottom half was basically undressed now.

I watched her slowly succumb to his teasing. she let him feel and caress her thighs freely. each time his hands came closer to the tops of her thighs he ran his thumbs along the inside, near her crotch and she’d exhale loudly and shift in her seat as if expecting him to go that little bit further but he never did. he kept her on the edge like that for ages, each time getting close but never touching her where you could see she really wanted to be touched now.

he started whispering things like how sexy she looked, how amazing her body was, how soft her skin was. then he started saying things like he wanted to taste her, how she smelt so sexy, how he wanted to see her pussy. she was loving it, gasping and murmuring things i couldn’t really hear but she was squirming in her place as his hands worked magic on her. he was such an expert tease she was melting right in front of my eyes. He tried to lean in a few times, like he was going to finally go down on her but she kept stopping him, saying she wasn’t ready. it was amazing to see my wife being seduced, watching another man break her defences down.

eventually Mike grew impatient and reached for her panty waist band and tried to pull them down but her eyes flew open and she stopped him. She said no, quite firmly i thought it might be all over, my heart was in my mouth at that point. But the next thing she said just blew me away.

‘Not here. take me to our bedroom. its upstairs. I cant do it here‘

She was looking straight at him. I dont think I’ve ever seen her say anything so assertive about her sexual needs. I dont think she’s ever said anything like that to me in the whole time we’d been dating or married. anytime we fooled around it just kinda happened, built up in the usually playful way and then we had sex. but she never said anything like ‘i need to be fucked’… which is pretty much what she just told him!

Mike didnt waste any time, he lifted her to her feet and she pulled down and adjusted her dress. she picked up her heels and headed for the stairs with him following right behind. neither of them looked at me. it felt like somebody had just punched me in the chest i never felt such a feeling of rejection. she told me later that she couldn’t bring herself to look or speak to me, she didn’t know if she could handle it and how she might react. she didn’t want to see my facial expression because if she did she might not be able to go through with it. she said the whole journey upstairs to the bedroom she felt sick in her stomach but couldn’t tell if it was nerves or so horny or both.

i was just frozen to the spot, i didn’t know what to do or say as I watched them dumbfounded. i could hear their footsteps as they reached the top of the stairs and then go into one of the rooms and shut the door. i could tell from the sound of the door closing that it was our bedroom.

i was in a daze, i didn’t know if i should sit there or go upstairs or leave the house or go to bed in the guest room. i was in a kind of state of panic, worrying if i’d gone and made a big fucking mistake for not speaking up and stopping all this a lot sooner. This guy from work, who i really didnt know had charmed my wife and in the space of half an hour was now upstairs with her in our bedroom, probably in my bed! how had it happened so quickly, it was like a dream!

i crept upstairs, not wanting to make a sound. i dont know why i was moving around my own home like a thief. my heat was pounding in my chest as i tried not to make a sound. i went up to our bedroom door and just stood there for a bit, leaning against the door feeling sick to my stomach. i could hear muffled noises but not much else. nothing to give away what was happening inside.

I stayed there for a while, before I figured i should probably just go to bed myself. or at least move away from the door just in case someone came out and saw me standing there like a pathetic fool.

i went to bed in the guest room. in the silence I could here noises much clearer. it was agonising to listen to but so exciting. my heart was pounding and i had such a hardon. i could here moaning, rocking of the bed, rhythmic creaking… it was all there, all the sounds of them fucking. it would build up then quieten down. sometimes it was obvious they were moving on the bed, sometimes it sounded like they were on the floor. my mind had all kinds of images of what they were doing.

it went on like that for what felt like a while but really only about half hour. then the rhythmic sounds of fucking started becoming obvious. her moans got louder and i started to hear him as well - it was muffled. she was a lot louder though, way louder than she’s ever been with me. i started wondering whether she was doing it on purpose or if that’s just the sound she made when she was fucked in a way I’d never fucked her.

the pounding speeded up and then there were soft muffled moans and then finally silence. a few mins later i head their door creak open her footsteps to the bath room. i wondered if she’d go looking for me, but after she was done she just went back to the bedroom.

a few seconds later i heard heavier footsteps go to the bathroom, the taps running and then those same footsteps returned to the room as well.

the next few mins i could here some muffled hushed speaking. or maybe i was imagining it as i straining to hear over every little sound in the house. every creak, every water pipe, the boiler downstairs was like it was on a loudspeaker. but the sounds i wanted to hear from that room seemed to get drowned out.

then, that unmistakable sound started again. it started as creaking floorboards when i thought they might be leaving the bedroom. then that rhythmic sound of fucking. but it was definitely louder this time, they were fucking a second time. Me and samina had never ever fucked a second time straight after.

whereas the first one sounded muffled, this one sounded like two people going at it hard. i could hear her begging to be fucked, telling him to fuck her pussy, fuck it hard. i could hear his voice every now and then but couldn’t make out what he was saying. she was going wild and didn’t seem to care i might hear. or even our neighbours. or maybe she just couldn’t contain it.

i could here them fucking away like that for longer than the first time. the same rhythmic sound for a few mins then quiet as they moved to another position then more pounding. sometimes she’d be moaning softly, sometimes she’d be crying and screaming before grunting and panting and going quiet again.

they did eventually finish, taking way longer than me and her had ever taken. this time neither of them left to go to the bathroom and i just waited and waited till i eventually dozed off as i figured they already had.

in the morning i woke first and crept back downstairs wondering if they were already up. their bedroom door was closed and the house was silent. i honestly couldn’t tell if they were still in bed or he’d left already.

I had some cereal in front of the tv in the living room. i put the sound down low, not wanting to disturb them.

It was Mike that came down first in his jersey shorts acting like nothing had happened, like he’d just crashed at our place after a night out. he asked what i was watching, took some mild interest then asked if he could make himself some breakfast.

a few minutes later my wife came down, and saw me watching tv and asked what i was watching without really taking interest. she had a sympathetic smile on her face and all i could do was smile back, glad she was happy and content. I’ve always reflected her feelings, so it just came naturally.

she stood behind me, leaning over the back of the sofa, asking questions about the cookery show i could tell she wasn’t that interested in. she was just there to make conversation. eventually she asked if i was ok about last night. she said she’d come looking for me but i’d gone to bed and she wasn’t sure if i was angry or upset.

I actually felt apologetic, thinking she’d gone to sleep worrying about my feelings. she leaned over and gave me a kiss, and she felt a bit better.

she asked me if i wanted any breakfast. I had to answer ‘No’, 3 times before she eventually went to the kitchen to make breakfast for herself. i almost told her to make me something just because I could tell she wanted to do something for me to make herself feel better. she was feeling guilty, I could tell.

i left them alone to chat in the kitchen. it was actually quite funny because it was really boring mundane stuff. talking about the local area, house prices, etc.

when they came through to the living room, we watched tv for a bit and chatted about the night before. nobody mentioned the elephant in the room till Mike eventually asked what were our plans for the day. he said he had nothing planned and wondered how we felt if he should leave now or maybe hang out for a bit more. he didn’t say directly but there was only one reason he wanted to stay.

My wife left the decision to me and i just asked her if she’d had fun the night before and it was ok with me. she was too embarrassed to give a straight answer till Mike eventually jumped in and just said candidly he’d love to sleep with her again if we were both ok with it. he was quite open about what a great fuck they’d had last night and the amazing blowjob she’d given him this morning just before they came downstairs. he said he loved women that swallow.

it was the hottest thing I think i’d ever heard, especially as getting my mrs to swallow was an impossible thing for me. she wasn’t too happy about us talking about her like that so we gave it a rest.

we chatted for a bit more before mike got up and asked if he could take samina upstairs again. but like the night before he wasnt really asking my permission as he pulled her too her feet and she pretended to put up a struggled. she looked back at me to see if i was ok and i just smiled and said to have fun.

they hurried upstairs like a couple of horny teens. my wife closed the door again and for the 3rd time he fucked her.

He left later that evening but managed to fuck my wife twice more that day. they never fucked in front of me and each time they went to the bedroom and closed the door. she just wasnt ready for me to be there. not yet.

it was only after a couple more meets that she got more comfortable showing affection with mike in front of me. before that she felt awkward and guilty and would hurry to the bedroom to fuck in privacy. but after a couple meets they started fooling around even when i was around. at first she’d make him stop when she thought i’d caught them but eventually they just carried on.

by around the 5th time he stayed with us, they got off with each other with me there. it wasnt to show me, they’d just got more comfortable doing it. i watched them snog and grope each other, even going as far as him fingering her but beyond that she wanted him all to herself again.

I can write a second story about how my wife finally included me and we progressed to more cuckolding rather than just hotwifing. for example i play a much more active role in their playtime like licking her to get her ready for him, cum cleanups, sucking him off. we’ve all watched cuckold videos together and gotten ideas about things to try out. its like we’re living out a fantasy thing with Mike happily playing a part in it. i’ve finally been able to shake off the shame of expressive a submissive side to my wife and to Mike. its actually quite hard to do that to another man because you think it makes you look weak. but having a bull we can trust makes it easier for me to express that side, especially when he wants to go on that journey with my wife and me.

anyway, i might write about that another time.

here’s some pics of Mike leaving a delicious creampie in my wife for me to lick clean. as soon as he pulls out i’m down there like a dog in heat licking up their sexy mess lol. cherishing and savouring his cum is a massive turn on for me and i especially love when my wife calls me over to devour a fresh load. i suck him off too and he’s totally on board with letting me lick and suck his uncut dick and big sweaty balls, including rimming his sweaty salty bumhole lol. sorry to be graphic. i wont share those pics cos some might not like it.

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Our first experience was a little different because it was more planned and less spontaneous. Nevertheless, the emotions that we both experienced were very similar. Peter watched my bull Fred and me for the first fuck, but then I kicked him out of the room. Peter tells me that he spent the rest of the night much like Tafdaar. He even stayed outside the bedroom door for a while trying to listen for sounds of us fucking! I did have some guilt feelings the next morning (but not too much guilt, LOL).

[catboymingi]

and the damsel in distress - veninder chap. 2

navi/masterlist

story masterlist

pairing: mingi x reader

genre: angst, fluff; eventual best friends to lovers

word count: 7.2k

warnings: language, insecurities, past trauma mention, somewhat suicidal thoughts (very briefly, one sentence)

a/n: after ages of exams where i focused on smaller writings i finally am updating... this chapter is a ride but it is the ride i decided to take

yo var det mig / der’ dummet sig? - was it me / that messed up?

when you woke up and unlocked your phone you immediately wished you hadn’t woken up, ever. you had more than a hundred messages from various chats, and while you wished you could just ignore them forever you knew that you’d have to deal with it tomorrow latest, and you’d rather do it without an audience. so you had no choice to reply, opening the private messages first and telling all your friends that you’d reply in the group chat, before you opened that one.

[y/n]: sry for that. forgot my wallet, had no way to get home in time

[y/n]: nothing happened tho

the reply came almost immediately, as if they’d just waited for you to come online.

[saranghoe]: u literally didnt even try 2 call dibs n now ur staying the night?? seems suspicious

[model contract when???]: yeah literally!

[y/n]: as i said, better than sleeping on the street

[model contract when???]: just dont go near them again. ever

[y/n]: fine

[y/n]: deal

you hated the idea, but you knew that if you didn’t agree your life would be a living hell. and that was definitely not something you wanted, knowing how they’d made life hell for other people and knowing that there was no way anyone could protect you from that. so, the next thing you did was click on ‘hyung hate club’, not even bothering to read the messages before leaving the group. you didn’t like this, but it was better this way. as much as you liked the boys, you liked being able to go to uni in peace more, and you knew that would be impossible if you so much as breathed in their direction from now on. you sighed, putting your phone down and laying back onto your bed again, wanting some peace for yourself, but you weren’t granted that. less than a minute after you’d laid down your phone buzzed, once, twice, thrice. knowing that you wouldn’t be able to relax until you knew what was up you sat back up, checking your phone to see messages from an unknown number. curious, you clicked on the notification.

[unknown]: y/n???

[unknown]: im mingi

[unknown]: whats wrong??

you weren’t sure whether to be happy he messaged or scream into your pillow. in some way it was nice he cared, but that also meant it would be harder to avoid the boys. and that meant that, no matter how hard you tried, your friends would have a reason to be upset.

[y/n]: why?

[unknown]: you left the gc?

[unknown]: what happened

[y/n]: nothing dw, im all good

he saw the message but didn’t reply right away, which made you think that maybe he’d accept your reply. but then you saw him typing again, and a message you didn’t expect at all appeared on your screen.

[unknown]: did i mess up

[y/n]: wdym

you genuinely had no idea what he meant, or rather, how he could’ve got the idea that he’d messed up in any way. he’d been nothing but kind to you, there was not a single thing he could possibly have messed up on. but when a new message popped up you knew he was genuinely worrying about it, and you felt bad for not being able to tell him the real reason why you left the group chat, why you had to avoid them.

[unknown]: like did i do something wrong

[y/n]: not at all

[y/n]: its not abt you dw

you hoped he’d leave it be with that, but of course not. he wanted to know what was wrong, he wanted to know why you suddenly didn’t seem to want to talk to him, or any of them for that matter, anymore.

[unknown]: then what is it

and while you were thinking of a good excuse, mingi seemed to have caught on to what exactly the problem was, as was made apparent by his next message.

[unknown]: its your friends isnt it

there was no way you could reply to that decently, so you didn’t, staring at the screen in frustration with your friends and him and mainly yourself. you wanted to say something, you really did, but you had no idea what. tell him you were sorry? tell him to leave you alone? tell him that sometimes life just sucked and you had to deal with it? none of that would’ve been a good reply, and in all honesty you also didn’t want to have to deal with the emotional turmoil it would inevitably bring.

you didn’t notice that you’d spaced out and your phone had locked itself until it buzzed in your hand again, another message from the unknown number you now knew to be mingi. it just read ‘got it’ and you felt awful, scared that you’d hurt or upset one of the only people in forever that had shown genuine care for you. but of course you’d had to mess it up.

//

the next day came and you still felt bad, somewhat fearful as well. your friend group’s chat had returned to the usual topics, but you still weren’t sure how they’d react to you when they saw you again. you were hellbent on acting as usual, hoping that if you acted like nothing happened they would as well, and it was somewhat successful, getting weird stares every now and then, but no more comments than usual. you wouldn’t let yourself relax just yet, but this was a good sign, at least.

but then came lunch. you tried to act casual, not wanting to let on to the fact that you were horrified that one of the boys would shout out for you at any moment. your eyes darted around aimlessly, mainly looking for a certain giant sporting bright red hair, simply because he was easiest to spot out of the group you’d spent saturday night with. when you still hadn’t spotted him when you sat down to eat with your friends your shoulders relaxed, but it had been a mistake to think that they’d forgotten about you.

you hadn’t noticed that yunho was on his way towards you until he was standing right there, having moved surprisingly inconspicuously for someone his height. but there he was, staring down at you with an expression you couldn’t judge. you tried to avoid his eyes, feeling so incredibly guilty for ignoring him when he and his friends had been your saviour when you needed one, but you couldn’t help it. even now you could feel your friends’ angry stares on you, when you hadn’t even acknowledged the boy’s presence.

“y/n”, yunho suddenly spoke up. you couldn’t help but look up at him at that, knowing it was a mistake, but your head moved by itself. and he noticed, a small smile appearing on his face now. he nodded his head as a sign that he wanted to talk to you with a little more privacy, and you knew that if you didn’t go with him he’d try to sort whatever he wanted to sort here, in front of your friends, which would be way worse than leaving with him for maybe two minutes and returning, convincing them that you told him never to come up to you again. so you got up, but before you could actually go to a more private area he picked you up and threw you over his shoulder. you hit his back in a desperate attempt to let you down, but deep down you knew that your punches wouldn’t affect him in any way. so you gave up, hanging like a sack of potatoes, feeling everyone’s curious stares on you.

he first let you down at their table, hongjoong scolding him that a less dramatic approach would’ve done the job as well. wooyoung and yeosang were laughing while the others looked at you curiously, and you were still deciding whether or not to kill yunho right there.

that decision was made for you when mingi spoke up.

“you told me you’d see me at lunch.” you couldn’t quite decipher his tone, whether he was angry or disappointed or hurt, but you knew it wasn’t a positive emotion you heard in his voice. you hated that you were the reason for his upset, but you also hated that your decision about how to deal with the dilemma you were in had been made for you, by people that knew nothing about your situation. you weren’t them, you didn’t have a support system, you didn’t have the option to choose who you were friends with, you didn’t have any of the things that were a given for everyone else. you had to take what you got and make do with it, and they’d just made that significantly harder for you.

“i told you i couldn’t”, you replied, your own voice a mixture of sadness and anger. you wanted to be able to, really, but it wasn’t something you could change. and the fact that he’d seen how your friends had reacted to you doing something they didn’t like and still didn’t stop this, maybe even actively encouraged this, made you angry, even though maybe it shouldn’t. he hadn’t had any ill intentions, but that didn’t really matter to you when you knew he wouldn’t be affected at all by whatever happened as a reaction to this. that he - they - had started a battle you’d have to fight.

no one said anything to that and you thought the conversation was over, that they’d realised that you wouldn’t be able to join their friend group or talk to them at all unless necessary, so you turned around, managing to take a single step before someone grabbed your wrist. you turned around again in surprise and saw that it was seonghwa, whom you’d assumed to be kind and soft-spoken, definitely not the kind to do this. but here you were, being kept from leaving by his hand around your wrist. it was mingi who spoke, though.

“they’re not being nice to you. you deserve better.” and you knew, you knew all that, you knew everything he could tell you to convince you that they weren’t the right friends for you, but that didn’t change anything. and you’d had enough hurt, enough mistreatment in your life to want to avoid it at all costs now. if that meant giving up a bit of your happiness but getting to keep your peace of mind that was a price you were more than willing to pay. but the boy looking at you with softness in his eyes didn’t seem to be willing to have you pay that price.

“sit down.” seonghwa had let go of your arm now, moving a little so that you’d fit next to him. it wasn’t an order, more of a suggestion, but you were too tired, too exhausted to potentially risk a discussion you might not be able to win, so you just complied, resting your head in your palms. and because of that the boys at first didn’t even notice that you didn’t have your food, or any of your things, since it didn’t seem like you wanted to eat anyway.

it was san that noticed, already having finished inhaling his meal when you hadn’t even started yours. the surprise at that was what made him realise that there was no meal for you to finish.

“yunho!”, he suddenly yelled out, making everyone’s heads snap up, even yours. “you forgot y/n’s things when you kidnapped her!” at that realisation, panic made its way onto your face. you had no idea what state your things would be in by the time you’d reach them. your phone, your wallet, all your notes were in your bag, and you’d just left it with your friends that without a doubt were plotting how to ruin your life by now. you jolted up and towards the table they’d been sitting at, but when you saw they’d already left your panic only increased. your bag was still there, carelessly kicked underneath the table when you’d been sitting with the others, but you had no idea what the insides would look like. you probably looked like a maniac all but ripping it open, fumbling with the zipper with shaking hands and ransacking your bag to make sure you still had everything you needed, checking your wallet and phone to see just how fucked you were. everything was still in order, though; it seemed like they’d forgotten about your bag, in part thanks to you having kicked it out of sight thoughtlessly. you almost cried at the relief, and mingi, who’d followed you after your sudden exit to make sure you were okay, wasn’t really sure what to do. he kneeled down next to where you were still crouching on the floor, staring at your bag and its content as if it were the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen, and just looked at you, waiting for you to realise he was there as well.

when after a while (was it seconds? minutes? it felt too long for mingi) you still seemed to not have noticed his presence he carefully tapped your leg, making sure his hand was visible before he actually touched you. you seemed so spaced out that he was pretty certain any sudden touch or noise would scare you to no end. but even though he was so careful not to be too sudden your head still shot up with a force that made him fear you’d break your neck; you’d half expected one of your friends to be the one touching you, so your anxious reaction was at least in part caused by that. but when you saw that it was only him you relaxed a little, though your heartbeat still would not return to normal.

“you okay?”, he asked you once it seemed like you wouldn’t drop dead from shock or kill him if he said anything, worry apparent in his voice, and you could understand him, really - this wasn’t a regular reaction to forgetting your bag with your friends. but you didn’t have regular friends either, so it evened out.

“i guess.” you grabbed your bag and got up, wanting nothing more than to get out of that awkward situation, and the tall boy followed suit.

“wanna join us for the rest of lunch?” he expected you to say no. you knew that you should say no. and a look at where you’d sat at the table confirmed that you didn’t even have anything to eat anymore - they’d probably thrown it away as soon as you left. so there was no reason to go, there was no reason to make yourself even more of a target. but maybe that was why you ended up saying yes. you’d already become a target, so now you might as well spend time with them, you didn’t really have anything to lose anymore. and the smile he gave you when you agreed to join them made you think that it’d maybe be worth it, even.

the others looked at you in surprise when you returned to their table, mingi having a triumphant look on his face. they didn’t say anything, though, scared of putting you off and causing another somewhat-freak out like the one earlier. of course, to them it didn’t make sense, they had no idea just what your friends could do. they’d never been their victim, and they’d never been around to see what their victims had to deal with. but you knew. and the thought of it almost sent you into a panic attack, so you let yourself fall onto the bench (a loud ‘thud’ could be heard, so you really hadn’t been gentle with yourself) and put your head on the table, ignoring how greasy it probably was, your focus being on stopping your breath from speeding up before it was too late. you couldn’t see the looks they gave each other, but you could imagine them. you were a mess, a scared, traumatised mess, and that less than 48 hours after first having met them. you honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they told you to go sit somewhere else, or got up and left themselves. but they were still there when you lifted your head again, looking at you worriedly, but without judgment.

mingi was the first to speak, having put the pieces together by now.

“they’re that bad?” you knew whom he meant. he’d seen the message, he’d been the one to figure out they didn’t want you to talk to them, he’d seen the way you’d rummaged your bag, so it wasn’t hard for him to figure out what, or rather whom, you were scared of. yet he couldn’t imagine why you were that scared of people supposed to be your friends.

“worse.” you tried to mask your fear with a bitter tone, but it didn’t exactly work. the boys didn’t exactly know how to react to that, trying desperately to come up with a way to lighten the mood.

“you have eight bodyguards now.” you weren’t the only one surprised when it was jongho that spoke up, but the others were quick to agree, telling you that the girls had to get past them first. ‘mainly jongho, to be fair’, as wooyoung elaborated. and while you still weren’t feeling good about it, you were feeling better now, the fearful expression replaced by a smile. san, not wanting to waste that chance, asked you if he could re-add you to ‘hyung hate club’, and you couldn’t resist the puppy eyes he gave you, so you agreed. as soon as he did so mingi got his phone out, resending the message he’d sent when he’d brought you home. ‘pyjama party this weekend n y/ns still coming’. your reply was an emoji rolling its eyes, but the smile hadn’t left your face. then you saved his number, asking the others to send a message with their name so you could know who was who.

“they’ll never shut up”, hongjoong informed you casually as he sent his name, and while you knew he was telling you, indirectly, that from this moment on you would never be able to have a moment of peace and quiet and no notifications you were happy about this fact, because it meant that at least you wouldn’t be lonely.

“i have my ways.” you grinned at him as you said that, then you went to save all the numbers in your phone. doing so brought your attention to the time, and you noticed that it was time to leave for class, your happy expression immediately disappearing as you realised that they wouldn’t be around to protect you during class. And class was the place you couldn’t escape from; you needed the credits, and part of you also didn’t want to have to give up on something that always brought you joy just because you had to fear you wouldn’t be left alone.

“i need to go.” your expression didn’t go unnoticed, and seonghwa and yeosang, who had this period off, told you they’d be right there if something happened, you just had to send a message. they also insisted on bringing you to your class, and while you did feel a little like a child that needs their parents to bring them everywhere because they’re scared by themselves you also really appreciated it. so you took off with your two bodyguards, waving at the others as they left for their own classes.

“it’ll be fine”, yeosang said after a couple hundred metres during which neither of you had said anything, and you looked at him with doubt apparent in your eyes.

“it will”, seonghwa stated, a lot more sure about it than you were. “and if not, you know we’ll be right there.” that only did little to reassure you, but you had no choice either way.

you reached your classroom way too fast, and you could feel your breath speed up as soon as you walked towards the door, hesitating. maybe you should just drop out of uni and become a shepherd in a secluded village somewhere in a strange country in europe. maybe that was a better plan. but the choice was made for you as one of your now ex-friends waved towards you, a cheery expression on her face that would have fooled you, had you not seen that same expression on her face countless times before, knowing that it meant nothing but danger. but it was too late to turn around now, so all you could do was pretend you didn’t know what you were about to face.

“hey!” your tone was at least as fake as her expression as you greeted her back. then you went to your seat, and for the first half of class things actually went okay. you were tense, you were stressed, you were scared, but nothing happened. but then the teacher told you that it was time to do group work now, and things went downhill. you were grouped by how you were seating, which included you, one of the girls, and two classmates you barely ever talked to, whose names you didn’t even know, but whom you had nothing against, at least. but they would soon have something against you.

as you were working, one of them had her laptop out to take notes and prepare a presentation, as was the task. and that gave your ex-friend an idea. it was an expensive laptop, and you, as always, had a cup of water on the table, fairly close to the middle so it wouldn’t be able to drop by itself. it wouldn’t have to drop by itself, though. first, the girl next to you dropped her pen and kicked it over to the other two, pretending to have done so in an attempt to retrieve it and be able to pick it up.

“i’m sorry, i dropped my pen! can you maybe pick it up, i can’t reach it.” an apologetic smile was sent their way, as if to say ‘sorry for the hassle’. both girls opposite you ducked at the same time, trying to see where the pen was and who would be able to pick it up more easily. that was what she’d planned, though; as soon as they were no longer able to see you, she spilled your water. over the laptop that was still on the table. and as if that wasn’t enough, she got up, yelling your name loudly, asking you why you’d done that. everyone was looking at you by now, and the girl whose laptop had been sacrificed quickly tried to dry it off with her sleeve, asking for tissues, trying to save it. no use, it seemed like it had broken right away. and everyone thought it was you. that you’d broken the laptop on purpose.

“she was writing her thesis, y/n! i knew you were jealous, but i didn’t think you’d go that far!” you just stared at the scene around you wide-eyed, not even fully realising that this was real. by now even the teacher had come to look at what exactly was going on, and your lack of self defense was a seemingly obvious sign of you actually being the culprit.

“i think you should leave the class now. and you will have to replace the laptop.” all you could do was stare at who used to be your friend, unable to believe that she would do this to you. you hadn’t even actually done anything, and you’d been friends with these girls for almost a year now, yet she’d had no hesitation to ruin not only your reputation but also you financially. she was fully aware that you were barely scraping by. she was fully aware that you would never be able to replace the laptop. she knew all that. and she still did it, just because you’d dared to talk to someone they’d called dibs on. you couldn’t believe it.

//

you didn’t really remember how you’d left the class, and were surprised to find that you’d remembered to pack all your things back into your bag, that you hadn’t forgotten anything. you’d just left, going who even knew where, dropping on the floor when your legs didn’t want to carry you anymore, and starting to cry. and you stayed there, crying, losing all feeling for how much time had passed. this had been your last class of the day, so you had nowhere to be, and you didn’t want to be anywhere, either. you wanted to vanish. you wanted to die, in all honesty. if it continued like this your only choice was dropping out, basically having wasted the past year and all the work and money you’d put into your studies.

you were so caught up in your crying that you hadn’t noticed your phone buzzing with message after message, first paying attention to it when someone called you. it was seonghwa, who’d been there to pick you up after class only to see that you weren’t there. you didn’t feel like picking up, so you pressed the red button through your tears. he tried again, with the same result, and first when your phone started buzzing continuously with new messages you took a look at the group chat. now you found out why they were calling you - they’d tried to get you after class, but you weren’t there, and now you’d neither read their messages nor picked up their calls, so they all were quite worried at this point. you felt sorry about that, so you decided to send a message saying ‘sorry for worrying you’, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say that you were fine. it seemed like any sign of you being alive was already a success, though, lots of relieved messages flooding the chat. you hoped that maybe they wouldn’t ask what happened, but of course they did.

[hongjoong]: what happened?

[y/n]: i dont want to talk abt it

the chat was quiet after that, no one really knowing what to say. but, again, mingi sent you a private message.

[mingi]: where are you???

you didn’t want to explain anything and you didn’t want to pretend you were fine, so you just sent him your location, his ‘ill be right there’ coming just a few seconds after you’d sent your message. you were somewhat relieved that you wouldn’t have to be alone right now, but you also dreaded having to explain what happened. for now, though, you should probably focus on looking a little more like a person and a little less like you’d just spent the past hour crying. even though you had it didn’t have to be obvious like that, so you tried to clean off the streaks of ruined makeup on your cheeks, using your phone as a makeshift mirror. once you were done you tilted your head to see if there was anything you’d missed, but it was okay. it wasn’t good, but it was the best you could do right now. then, you waited.

you’d put in your headphones after roughly two minutes of waiting, way too nervous at every single sound that surrounded you, but that also made you miss mingi shouting your name once he’d arrived, and the sudden appearance of his large frame in your field of vision did surprise you quite some, flinching visibly before you took out your headphones and looked up at him, trying to smile but failing miserably. and he immediately caught on, sitting down next to where you were sitting on the floor and looking at you silently for a moment.

“do you want a hug?” he didn’t know what else to offer, but he wanted to let you know that he was there for you, and you willingly accepted the offer. he wrapped his arms around you then, pulling you a little closer so you could rest your head on his shoulder, and then you continued to sit in silence. it was strangely comforting, having someone there for you even when they had no idea what you were even upset about, offering you their presence and leaving the choice of whether or not you wanted to tell to you. you didn’t want to have to leave this situation, the safety you felt when embraced by mingi, who was much taller than you and who made you feel like, even just by virtue of his height, he could protect you. but you had to, you knew you did, you couldn’t spend all day wherever you were now.

“we should go home.” mingi hummed in response, removing his arms from where they were wrapped around you, and the two of you got up. he looked at you hesitantly - you could tell he wanted to say or ask something, so you cocked your head, encouraging him this way to tell you whatever was on his mind.

“they’re all worried, so i was wondering… i told them i’m going to meet you, but i think they’d feel better if they could see for themselves that you’re in one piece.” you nodded, both as a sign of understanding and to show that it was fine with you to meet them before you went home. he nodded as well, slowly starting to walk and somewhat unsure if you’d actually follow him, but you did.

you walked in silence until you reached the train station, where he bought the ticket for you again. you looked at him, about to protest, but when he told you it was his treat again you just nodded, not having the energy to argue and also glad that you could save the money seeing how very soon you’d need every single won. after that, you were silent again, sitting next to each other with your head on his shoulder, which you’d have been embarrassed and shy about if you weren’t so exhausted. you were exhausted, though, and it took all your energy to not fall asleep on him - but at least you succeeded with that, your eyes still somewhat open when he told you you had to get off at the next stop. you sat up, then, immediately missing the warmth and comfort of him so close to you. the boys made you feel weirdly safe, and you couldn’t tell why it was - maybe it was just the unusual feeling of having friends that cared about you even when you had nothing to offer, but no matter what it was, it was nice.

another thing that was nice was that mingi didn’t make you talk, didn’t even try. he’d talk, but he didn’t mind if you didn’t reply. he’d just resume his story, letting you know that he wasn’t ignoring you but that he didn’t expect anything from you. and with this behaviour you slowly started to feel better, feeling ready to tell what had happened by the point you reached the boys’ place.

“mingi?” it seemed like they’d been waiting for him to come home, shouting his name as soon as he’d closed the door behind you.

“and y/n!”, he replied, entering the living room with you in tow. you were somewhat surprised to find them all already gathered there, but mingi didn’t seem to be. he just plopped down on the couch, patting the space next to him to signal you to sit down as well. so you did, staring at your hands as soon as you’d sat down, unsure how to start. and they were unsure as well, unsure if they should ask you or wait until you started talking by yourself.

“i…”, you started, but then stopped again. this was hard.

“i’m sorry for not taking your calls”, was how you decided on starting. “i just- i couldn’t. everything was so much.” and even though you hadn’t even started actually explaining yet a small sob already escaped from your lips, and you hid your face in shame. you looked up again though when you felt a hand on your knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze, and looked at the boy attached to the hand - mingi. he looked at you with soft, encouraging eyes, and you took a few slow breaths before you started talking again.

“they hate me. in class, one of them spilled water on my classmate’s laptop and broke it, and then she said it was me, that i did it because i was jealous of that classmate’s good grades.” you tried very hard to stay calm while telling, not wanting to break down crying before you even finished explaining why you’d ignored them, why you’d run away from class without telling anyone where you were.

“and everyone believed her because no one saw and she doesn’t have a reason to do it but the way she framed it i do, and now the girl is so angry because she was writing her thesis and i think it’s gone now and also the laptop is broken and i have to replace it and i just… i can’t afford that and i don’t know what to do and- ouch!” mingi’s hand had remained on your knee while you spoke, but the more you elaborated the tighter his grip got, seemingly without him noticing, because when he heard you yelp he immediately took away his hand and apologised profoundly for having hurt you.

“i’m just so fucking angry that she’d do that”, he explained. “you literally haven’t done anything!” and he wasn’t the only angry one, either, all the boys visibly fuming.

“but i can’t do anything about it”, you said, sounding defeated, “but i’m so scared that i’ll be kicked out of the course because i need it for my degree and if i get kicked out due to gross misbehaviour, even when it wasn’t actually me, i’ll lose my scholarship and then i won’t be able to continue studying and i won’t have a degree either and no one will hire me and i’ll end up homeless and in debt and… and…” you were unable to continue, your sobs having completely taken over at this point. you felt pathetic for breaking down like this, but your entire future was on the line just because you’d chosen to pick your friends yourself rather than waiting for approval. it was unfair, and it was horrible, and it reinforced the belief in you that if you didn’t do what others told you to do, the consequences would be horrible.

mingi wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his chest - it seemed like out of the eight boys he was the one who’d taken on the role of your protector now, always taking care of you like this, ever since you first met. the others were there as well, of course, but they were more of a silent support as mingi actually pulled you in, and it was okay that way. it worked that way, his deep voice and careful touch being able to calm you down enough that you were able to breathe somewhat regularly again.

“i want to go home now”, you said once the worst was over. you were still sniffling, but you didn’t care. you wanted to go back to your bed, you wanted to hug the teddy bear that you’d owned since you were born, you wanted the comfort of your own home. being here with them was nice, and it had helped you calm down, but your own home, your own bed, was still something different. and it seemed like they could understand that wish to be in a familiar environment, because they just nodded.

“i’ll bring you.” the way he’d said it it didn’t sound like you had a choice, but it was okay. the tall boy had been there for you all afternoon, and he (and the others too, really) would probably feel better if he knew you were home safe and sound. you hummed in response which he correctly interpreted as your okay, because he got up with you and followed you to the door where you stopped to say goodbye and thank them for listening. then you left, the red-haired giant following suit silently.

the train station wasn’t far away, as you knew by now, and the two of you walked next to each other in silence. once there, he paid for your ticket again without a second thought, and while you did feel guilty about it you also were glad he did so. your head rested on his shoulder again during the train ride, something you didn’t even think about anymore; being close to him felt natural, maybe due to the fact that there’d been a lot of good reasons to be close to him in the roughly three days you’d known each other, maybe because he didn’t seem to register it as something noteworthy either.

you didn’t talk during the trip, the first time either of you said anything being when you told him, once you’d gotten off the train, that you were glad he’d brought you, and tried to say goodbye to him unsuccessfully because he told you he’d walk you home unless you’d report him for stalking if he did so. you shook your head, smiling slightly, and started walking. it was once more him who kept the (so far nonexistent) conversation alive, commenting on anything with a child-like wonder in his voice. it sounded like he’d never seen a tree before, or a street, or a house - everything seemed to surprise and somewhat excite him, and in all honesty you thought it was sweet. he managed to distract until you reached your apartment this way, but he noticed the way you tensed up as you unlocked the door. a day ago he’d have thought your fear was an overreaction, and maybe its intensity was, but after what had happened today he was fairly certain it was justified.

“do you want me to go in first?”, he asked as you wouldn’t even fully open the door, obviously scared of what would expect you. you nodded and moved to the side, giving him the option to slip inside. and a couple seconds later he was in front of you again, opening the door widely and telling you that everything was okay. first then did you relax even slightly, entering with careful steps as if you were expecting to jump out of the shadows and murder you. mingi was right, your apartment was fine, but you weren’t. you hated this, hated that you didn’t even feel safe in your own home, and that there was nothing you could do about that.

mingi soon caught on to the fact that even though everything was fine you didn’t seem relaxed at all, looking around like a rabbit expecting the fox to jump out any moment and devour it. and it was your scared expression that made the words leave his mouth before he could stop himself.

“do you want me to stay the night?” you looked at him surprised, both at his words and at the fact that he was still there - you’d forgotten about him in your worry.

“you don’t have to.” you didn’t want to be even more of a bother. you didn’t want him to get annoyed at your scaredy cat-behaviour.

“but do you want me to?”

“you don’t have anything here.” really, you were just trying to come up with excuses for not directly answering his question, because the answer would have been a ‘yes’. yes, you did want him to stay the night, but you didn’t want him to do so because he felt like he had to.

“that’s fine. it’s just a night, and i only have late classes tomorrow. do you want me to?”

you couldn’t stand to look at him as you nodded, feeling weak and vulnerable and like a burden, but he just said ‘okay’, then got out his phone and started typing.

“i’m just letting them know”, he explained when he saw your questioning expression, and you nodded again. you felt slow, tired, and you just wanted to sleep. and yet once more he seemed to know exactly what you were thinking.

“you should go to bed”, he told you softly, “i’ll be right here.”

“you need sleep too!” it was first then you realised that you couldn’t offer him the luxury of choosing his bed for the night, that you couldn’t even offer him the luxury of having anything bigger than a single-person bed. but he didn’t seem to care, nodding.

“just get ready. i’ll wait.” and because you were way too tired to argue about anything at all, you just grabbed your pyjamas from your bed and left for the bathroom to get changed. you got into your pyjamas and wiped the worst stains off your face with a wet washcloth, but didn’t have the energy for anything else. this would have to do for today.

mingi was waiting for you on the floor when you got back, jacket, shirt and shoes huddled together next to him. maybe usually you’d have been a little flushed at him being shirtless, but in this moment all that mattered was getting into bed and sleeping. so you crawled underneath your blanket, moving as close to the wall as possible so he’d be able to still comfortably fit in next to you. he joined, pulling the blanket to cover both of you, and as soon as he’d done so you told him goodnight, him replying with a ‘goodnight’ of his own. he was fairly certain you’d fall asleep right away by how exhausted you seemed, but he found himself surprised when after roughly half an hour you were still tossing and turning.

“you okay?” he didn’t know if this was normal for you or something to be worried about, but he wanted to be sure you weren’t suffering silently just because you didn’t want to bother him.

“tell me something nice”, was what you replied instead of answering his question.

“what do you want to hear?”

“i don’t care. something happy.”

he thought for a moment before he started telling you about his seventh birthday, trying to remember as many details as possible so he’d have something to tell until you’d fallen asleep. his low, calm voice calmed your anxious heartbeat a little, and you stopped shifting so much. you did, however, scoot closer to him subconsciously, your back soon pressed against his chest as you sought out his comforting presence, his warmth. he wasn’t sure if you’d done it on purpose, so he didn’t immediately wrap his arm around you, softly putting his fingertips onto your waist first to wait for your reaction, to see if you’d shy away from his touch. but you did the opposite, grabbing his hand and pressing it close to your chest as if it was a lifeline keeping you from drowning. he just resumed his story, not commenting on it, and you were glad he didn’t. and cuddled up like that his deep, steady voice managed to lull you to sleep.

[yyxgin]

meteor garden is so problematic honestly my favourite part was when there was a meteor shower for 10 whole seconds somewhere mid 20’s episode. i forgot to mention she HAS a job she just like never went (on camera at least) she goes to uni that’s why she’s so broke too. it’s typical rich family pays off poor girl to leave her son alone but son is the one chasing the girl 🤡

HAJSJSKSKAKKA i got so much stuff from that album i didn’t realise how much i really got until i got a different album and i was like,, okay. i got a chan pc, double sided han pc, minho pc, changbin polaroid pc, changbin & minho film strip and a kind of pop out thing? of i.n. there’s an ot7 thing too but i figured everyone got that.

i recently watched... uh... into the dark? and it was in french and i didn’t even realise i wasn’t reading the subtitles i was like ~woah~

if you don’t mind me asking ~ what’s your part time job? only bc we can make conversation about it!! also i freaked out at my last job bc i thought i’d put down my details wrong as a lady at hq rang me to tell me they were having problems paying me 😰 i think the computer might’ve read my numbers wrong bc i write in cursive but like... i write more... how do i say... comic sans? for formal docs bc the computer can read my handwriting and people can read it too T-T we used to get told for exams to write really neatly bc if the examiners can’t read it they don’t mark it and we work solely off of essay writing here (or short answers no multiple choice bs) so i worried that i’d get stuck w the one examiner who couldn’t read my writing but the boy who’s handwriting looks like a spider ran across his book gets someone who can read it perfectly fine 😓 my ultimate fear tbh. i love the extra flourish i can add to envelopes just by writing all fancy-like.

YES YOLO!! i’m a libra so i’m the worst at decision making so when i do it’s impulsive and i have to say things like yolo to justify myself and then i’m gucci for the day.

yuta makes me so 😳🥵🤪😚😳😍🥵🤪 for every reason. i have a weakness for japanese men... my mind just goes into overdrive and i short circuit,, i’m afraid of watching shotaro content bc he’s just so 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and do i dare risk it?

personally, i enjoy russian roulette by rv but that’s very, pop-y of them. i like b sides by them more bc they carry a different sound to them. ice cream cake is good. and future!!! i like future bc i watched start-up tho 🤩 ladies night is a fun one and if i remember correctly time slip was good? i have a massive playlist with loads of artists so i need a refresher on rv as got7 and simon dominic have been in heavy rotation recently 😬

what did you do today? how did your interview go? (or am i too early?) wait i think i asked about it earlier oops 🙊 lots of love and positivity being sent your way ~ 🌻

and stop apologising about replying to asks late!!! 😐 i deliberately send asks bc you can take your time over them!! i really don’t mind how long you take!!!!!!!!!!!! 😙 ~ 🌻

ITS OFFICIAL I LOVE METEOR GARDEN DJSJSJ

you have like,,,,so much stuff ??? i wanna steal ????? i would literally do anything for that minho pc😔💔 i think the moment i buy my first album im literally gonna freak out from whoever i get 😩✋

i dont mind u asking !! my part time job is like,, working in this one shop called pepco, idk if you guys have it there lol. its like working behind the cash register and also helping with like,,restocking the shelves and stuff. i'm starting in june hhh lets hope i make some friends as well bc that lady said there are a few girls in my age starting at the same time so we can only hope haha. also i totally get you,,my handwriting changes like every year bc i get an identity crisis and change it lmaoo but people always tell me its really messy and sometimes unreadable😔

YOU ARE A LIBRA ?? I AM IN LOVE W YOU my moon is in libra so decision making isnt my best quality either but the aries sun in me just says fuck it 90% of the time so i'm good.

SHOTARO IS THE LOML HE IS SO 🥺🥺🥺🥺 but also his predebut tiktoks,,,,,much thoughts. yes. his instagram is the best thing that's ever happened to me, like yes get it king 😩

oooh i love russian rulette !! 🤩🤩 i am also a fan of ice cream cake but i dont know the other ones you mentioned, i'll have to give them a listen 😎

i didnt reply yesterday because i was out the whole day with my best friend and when i came home i had a glass of wine and got really sleepy💔and today i just cleaned my room and i'm about to water my plants lets hope i dont forget after finishing this reply,,,my interview went good hhh thanks !!! how has your day been ? ❤

sending u love !! <3

[irregulardiaryposts]

23:28 11/05/2021

sooooo uhhhhh,, its chewsday innit.i have no idea what my life is anymore. like what do i even do?? i have no idea how i would describe myself to someone else and thats sort scary yk. like how am i supposed to like myself if i dont know who i am? n e way enough existentialismmmmmm ice gotten more unconditional uni offers which im dead proud of like who wouldve thought I wouldve been able to do this. if only i couldve seen myself like 4 years ago i would be shocked. i mean most of it would make sense but like i didnt even think id live this long tbh. i dont think about that enough the fact i couldnt see myself getting older and doing 'grown uo things' because i thought i would never get through the present. that sounds real sad wow. 

lets talk about something else, perhaps how i believe myself to be far too impulsive for my own good and never thinking anything through twice. like ive just tried to revamp my whole room coz i was unhappy with it. i tried to chalk it up to just wanting a better desk and suddenly ive thrown away half my furniture and my room looks empty affff. but its ok since it already looks kinda better everything's cleaner now too. 

i went into my backgarden today and i picked all the uhhh my laptop almost died on me there i realised my things at full brightness anyway yes i went and picked the uh dandelions? the yellow chucky ones and some daisies and i made some flower chains and stuff and hung them in my room even though theyre gonna die idrc becuase they still look kinda cute, i keep patching my uni prep class becuase icba going but i still need to set up student loans and shit and actually confirm my choice for uni too omfg so much work and also need to start teaching msyelf the theory sruff for my driving thingytghing 

i was just looking back at another post before i started typing this and i was talking about how i dont really espress myself all too well through my apppearance and things i can personalise to me and i feel like ive gotten a lot better at that coz i recently chucked away a lot of clothes i dont wear and my mum bought me new stuff and im dead chuffed coz im far more confident in them and theyre far more comfy too :) ive also stopped wearing bras with wires and padding in them coz fuck all that shit i no longer care if people see my nipples becuase its not worth the actual pain from and improperly fitting bra which all of them are on me ............................................  

ive been listening to some NEW music lately just from my discover weekly stuff and its been pretty fuckign spot on with the shit i wanna listen to but i wish itd let me save each week as like a diff playlist but ive just been adding my favs to my other playlists feel like ive been piecing myself together bit by bit after not having the right pieces for years. 

anyway future me or whoever listen to 'them changes' by thunder someone or other because i think im a little bit obssesed atm hehehehehhehehehesjnjndkb LJBSCLVJBs jbs c' CKJBDKjkbckj  sh. i feel a bit like a fraud tho ngl like as tho im waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out im actaully lying about being a functioning human being for longer than like 5 days in the past 3/4 years. did that make sense idk im justsaying i feel a bit fake and that next time i feel a bit d y s f u n c t i o n a l its gonna hit really fucking hard and its gonna take a lot to get over it idk maybe im just being pessimistic or smth have a tendency to do that. 

also ive completely given up with school i have less than a month left and i cannot be fucked doing any more work than is necessary to pass ie only doing the test things and pretending to know what im doing in class no studying no homework none of that bs i would rather break my toes ..  

ive wrote like 3800 characters thats like maybe 800 words isssshhh idk man considering ive wrote w shit like wbsihizjbk ziSJNlcjb alknfbv ajn jankbdv. you know , . i dont really know what im rambing about anymore nothing has realliy progressed that much do idk what to say ill come back maybe when im at uni :O beye

[wolferals]

te quiero

Arón Piper imagine

*

(the spanish in this was all google translate so please dont judge me, yet you‘re welcome to correct me)

"Okay chicos y chica, vamos!" Arón yelled and came down the stairs, smiling happily. "Wait where are you going?" I asked confused while sitting on the sofa doing a project for uni for Monday as we needed the weekend for filming. "The club we talked about? Éstas listo?" The others were still upstairs, so I was alone with Arón in our apartment in Madrid where we just moved in after starting season 3 of Élite. Luke (a good friend and also an actor) had even been so nice and had enrolled me at uni in Madrid so I could continue my studies. I thought it was better that way, too.

"Arón I cant. I really need to do this right now." He came up to me, pulled me off the sofa and said: "Listen, y/n, its Friday, we're all in a good mood and we wanna celebrate. Dont be as boring as always." I ripped my arm free and asked in horror: "Youre kidding right? I am boring cause my education is more important to me than partying? No I'm not coming!"

He gave me a slightly pissed off look and said with a sharp tone: "Okay then. Stay here all by yourself, do your shitand be bored and we all go and celebrate." I opened my mouth being super pissed and looked at him.

" I dont know how to do this anymore." he shouted and distanced himself more and more from me.

"What?" I asked confusedly and looked him in the eyes. "Answer me one question. How are you part of this group? You´re in the show with us, thats it. We dont even know you, cause you always have something better to do than hanging out with us. When we're here together you're always in your room, alone! Do you wanna do this? Do you really wanna be part of this? Because I think we'd be better off without you!"

I kept looking at him and was just speechless. He had yelled at me for the first time. And he wanted me out. He had always been a little bit decisive, but I had never seen him so angry before. At that moment, when I was about to fall to the ground to cry, the others stormed down the stairs.

"Hey Que pasa?" Miguel asked and probably saw my pale face. "She's not gonna come with us. She got better to do." Arón yelled. The others also looked shocked to see him so aggressive, so they just stood there and watched him kill me (basically)

"You know what? Pack your things, we dont need you anymore. I'm done with you. We´ve always been better without you. Vete a la mierda!"

The last sentence killed me.

I ran past the other ones and Arón and ran as fast as I could to the roof terrace because they would never find me there anyway. Up there I sat down onto the ground and started to cry. I let everything out because I knew that nobody would hear me anyway.

It felt like that for an hour until I calmed down and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. 4 missed calls from Miguel, 2 from Itzan and 7 from Omar.

Also some texts. "WHERE ARE YOU? PLEASE DONT DO ANYTHING STUPID!" ~ Omar.

"Come here y/n, we talk about everything." ~Miguel. And also by Miguel: "Arón is an asshole. He's gone."

I wiped away my tears and finally pulled my headphones out of my other pocket.

I just listened to music and lay on my back looking at the stars.

I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up it was the middle of the night and the moon, which was still covered by clouds earlier, shone bright in my face.

I sat down upright, turned off the music and finally got up to go somewhere else, because it got super cold up there, and I was wearing only a crop top and sweatpants.

So I walked down to the lobby, hoping I could just talk to someone who wasn't Arón or Omar or anyone else. When I turned around the corner I saw Arón sitting at the bar, his cocktail in front of him and he seemed to be down as well.

But I immediately turned around and walked out of the hotel, whereupon I was wandering around Madrid being completely alone, freezing and tired.

The city itself was beautiful, brightly lit everywhere and there were still lots of people on the streets, but I just felt incredibly alone and sad.

At some point I sat down on a bench and just thought about everything while I was probably already freezing with blue lips and trembling thoughts.

The later it got, the less people staggered around and the later it got, the more tired I got.

It was around 1:30 and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go in there anymore. And I never wanted to see Arón again. I had sworn to myself that I would never let a guy break my heart! But that had happened! And of course the project wasn't the reason why I wouldn't have gone with them. Arón was the reason. I loved him. More than anything; more than acting. And I got nervous when I was close to him. But of course I was way too shy to tell him....

About half an hour later I was still cold and I wished for nothing more than to be able to cry on someone's shoulder.

When I was about to fall asleep on the park bench, I felt something being put around my shoulders. I opened my eyes slightly and saw Arón standing in front of me.

He had given me his jacket and held a starbucks cup out to me. I took it without hesitation and warmed my hands to it. Thereupon he sat down beside me in silence. Suddenly it just bubbled out of him:" I really dont know what got in my mind. I'm a dick and I know it. I fucked it up. I'm a terrible person. I hurt you so much and I didnt even mean what I've said. I want you here, i want you in our group, we all want you here, and I want you here with me. God I was just mad that you always blocked and I just wanted to spend time with you alone y/n. Thats the reason why I freaked out. This night should have been special! Maybe this sounds weird but tonight I just wanted to do it and finally kiss you, cause you mean so fucking much to me. But when you said no, my whole world was upside down, cause I cant hold it anymore. I need to kiss you or I explode. I only acted like an idiot cause you mean so much to me, puta.“

I looked deep into his eyes and breathed deeply. "And before you say anything, let me take you inside. Tienes frio." He pulled me by my hand, held me by the waist and we walked back to the hotel.

"Arón hold up" I said and stopped. I put the cup behind me on a bench and walked closer to him. "And before you say anything more... I'm okay, now. Now I know whats going on. And I'm happy you said all that stuff. I forgive you. And the reason why I never came with you was, that Im always nervous when I see you or when you talk to me... Lets forget about that... Its better for both of us."

He nodded, came closer and took my hands in his. "I like you. A lot...." he finally whispered and leaned his forehead against mine.

"You´re incredible.“

I smiled up to him and thats the moment i realised what this boy means to me.

"Te quiero."

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

[cygnus-art]

A proper (and long, ranty) explaination of my little reblog spree

TW for: Emotional and Psychological Abuse by parents, Gaslighting, Homophobia, Transphobia

So ive been reblogging these posts in the parental abuse tag bc really, i've been wondering whether ive been abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically or otherwise for a really long time now.

And frankly, the answer's starting to look like a yes. And honestly? I'm feeling all sorts of shit right now -- i feel enlightened, yes, but i feel angry too, and scared. And basically, i feel like i want to scream and let out everything, every single bit of pain ive pushed back and repressed.

I mean, it makes sense, after all, my parents have belittled me, and babied me, and given me next to no choice, to the point where the instinctive answer to every question they ask is "I don't know".

I know they want me to be successful but they wave away anything that even remotely "distracting" from uni in a bid to get me to focus (which is a point i'll probably have to look into later). This means that it's an actual miracle I didnt give up on drawing when i was 13. But it meant i still had to give up subjects i loved and were good at to fit their cookie-cutter model of a perfect student and citizen of society.

I think one of the most stinging memories of what my mother said was when i realised one of my old friends had moved on with her life, who taught me to draw, was "see? She left you, now who will you draw for?" (To which i replied "myself", but still! That shit is not okay!) But that has been happening for so long, they've been trying to convince me that blood family is all one has, and have made rules which pretty much say I can't move out or marry (and only then, have sex) after 28 because that's when they did.

My mother has also very much has pulled the "i have sacrificed so much for you" trick, which, naturally, makes me feel like an umgrateful monster that bites the hand that feeds, even when she found out i was self harming. So, thanks for everything, mother.

And that isnt even me going into the homophobia. Once upon a time (aand by that i mean 2016) i had a girlfriend and a few months later my parents went digging through my texts on an unlocked cellphone (those were the only kind i was allowed to have) and found out one of my close friends and i were dating and told me to break up with her. We talked it out and she broke up with me bc it wasnt safe for either of us. (But we're still good friends and will kill to protect each other)

The transphobia is even worse, paired with how my parents want me to look "beautiful" (read: feminine bc you are obvs a girl). One time my mother found this mens deodorant i used for the gym and she told me off bc i wasnt using the womens' ones. Oh, and fun fact, i'm not allowed to cut my hair shorter than shoulder length.

And finally, the thing i hate the most about them, and the thing i fear the most? They invade my boundaries. If i dont come out of the room in time, they open the door. As i said before if my phone is unlocked, they will go through everything. If i leave an open sketchbook or diary they will go through it and if there is anything they dont like, they will either tell me to get rid of it or yell at me about it. Or both. My father keeps touching my shoulder or poking me or just hugging me at random times and i. Hate. That. I've told him multiple times not to do it, but he never listens because he is my father and i am his child.

I dont know what's coming next, especially in my situation, but i hope i can find some help. I dont know if i can just rock up to a therapist esp in the holiday season, but i hope I can reach out. I've been using my art to cope so yeah, theres that.

And if you've read this far, reader, I thank you. Thank you for listening to me pour my heart out onto the keyboard and the screen. And thank you to my friends and my love, who have been there for me, my true family. And thank you to the deities i worship, thank you to my laptop, graphic tablet, sketchbook, pencil, paints and pen.

It's hard, and it's ugly, and it hurts. It's scary, and so new, but so old.

Even then, I know i can make it. I know I will.

[in-a-trans-like-state]

i have to write something for work and its like the words wont go 

i dont ‘write’ often and i definitely noticed it when i had to write an essay last sem that i am NOT good at the whole use words well thing, it takes me ages and LOTS of editing and the end result is still very basic. also i can do it for like 2 hours tops and then my brain shuts off 

i knew through out high school my writing was hardly poetic but at least i could bang out words, especially like non English writing like science/ society /commerce where i didn’t have to use words ‘nicely’ 

it might be my method - at the moment i do a LOT of copy paste, drag it into a structure, re write, realise i have my own thoughts on stuff and add them in, then edit edit edit (or normally one edit or just a proof read cos i dont have time) I told someone else at work this and they were like ‘oh yeah i remember doing it that way but now i dont have time’ which suggests there are other methods out there? i guess i could skip the copy past and paraphrase research as i go 

i doubt i’ll ever be a ‘writer’ but it would be nice if i didnt struggle so much with it. I think i need to practise more. One of the things i wouldnt mind doing is writing some poetry. years i ago i had to write some for class and i enjoyed it (and from memory the poems werent too bad) so maybe i could try that? It might make the words fall out a bit easier  and i dont need to worry about formal language so much ( i am such a clunky writer my first edit is always to remove things like ‘have an understanding of’ which can be said in like one word not four) 

i guess i could also look up methods of writing? my brain is always like RESEARCH FIRST so oi never end up doing anything... I kinda have a plan that THIS sem im going to write about what im doing in class (i generally dont have to write for uni its all visual) which will give me practise, be a good record, AND i’ll probably think things through more and come up with some better ideas, also if i can write about something i’ll probably be able to draw it better and/or if i know what im trying to say i can draw it 

it might be that writing on paper helps? i’m always deleting and backtracking and correcting spelling when im on a computer so worth a shot i guess 

[skizmin]

haunted house!au with lee minho

prompt: minho falls in love with the actor that jump scared him inside the haunted house at a carnival

genre: fluff???? would it be anything else???? in my happy angst-makes-me-cry household???? pfft.

for: im sorry this one is lightly gender specific for females!! but the only female not made is about dressing as wendy for a costume party which some of my male readers might be uncomfortable with!! (i didnt even think abt it when writing it bc me and one of my guy friends have respectively gone as peter and wendy to costume parties)

warnings: gore mention stuff but its haunted house costumes, swearing ofc but nothing extreme (no slurs).

yo anyway so minhos one of my three ults wowzas Can He Not?

alright lets get to it

You Are Broke.

your major subject at uni really does cost a lot of money. money you have to provide. it sucks basically

whenever you think abt money you have to hold back tears bc You Have None.

:(((((

sorry anyway

one of your housemates is also broke and loves scouring the internet for quick and easy ways to get money, no matter how crazy they are

one night she comes back with an idea that peaks your interest, probably purely bc your card just got declined ordering a coffee at mcdonalds

“y/n you HAVE to do this one!!!!!”

you sigh like “if its selling my sub topic notes online again, im not doing it. i didnt even know someone could be so harsh about highlighter use???”

your housemate is all pfft im not putting you thru that again

“no!! basically, you get $80 to show up for 2 and 1/2 hours at the haunted house place at that carnival nearby!! dude we gotta, its just to scare the fuck outta people and we can like!! cover ourselves in blood!! n stuff!!”

at first your mind was like lmfao 2&1/2 hours at a haunted house?? no fuckin way

but then you remembered your job only paid you $14.78 an hour so you were doubling your pay in half the amount of time

“when?”

“20 minutes, get out a creepy white dress or something that looks creepy that you can get dirty.”

you fricken ran to your room

you ended up getting a cheap nightgown that you bought to dress up as wendy from peter pan to a costume party, it cost like $2 you really werent sad to see it go

“y/n!! hurry up!! they have makeup there!!”

you bolted out the front door in your nightgown, runners and a big coat with nothing but your wallet phone and keys in your pocket

you were really broke and desperate, youd already accepted it

when you got to the carnival you were in awe, it had been a fair few years since your last one and the colours and lights and pounding music and laughter just

wow, carnivals are so pretty

the guy running the haunted house came in and let you guys in so you didnt pay admission and quickly sat you down at some tables and told you you could do the makeup yourself or got someone else to

you, feeling daring and thinking fuck it, im gonna make the haunted house goers shit their pants, decided to do your own makeup

to pair with your blue nightgown you simply gave yourself extremely dark and sullen eyes with the power of purple eyeshadow, you paled out your lips and gave yourself a lil nosebleed, and on top of that you painted a random creepy looking symbol on your forehead in blood, blackening it our a little with an eyeliner pen to make it seem like it was cut open.

you were lowkey proud of your work

okay now it was show time, you were briefed on where in the house you could stay and you were told how to act and basic rules (no touching, get help if theyre freaking out too much, etc)

so now, you were in the dimly lit narrow hallways of this makeshift house when you heard the tell tale screams of your housemate meaning theres a group coming and theyd just attempted to jump scare them

you hid behind a black sheet, disguised as a wall, before your victims came up through your hallway

you heard some talk of “felix you know its fake, calm down.” before you saw some shadows pass by

the group was big, maybe 10 people? you werent sure, but you went forward with your plan anyway

just after theyd passed your hiding place, you stepped out from behind them and stood idly and innocently in the centre of the corridor before you put your head down and started whistling a nursery rhyme

you heard a few gasps and a few squeaks before you looked up with an unreadable expression

you saw them looking at you and some of the guys ushered some of the others away though one guy stood there looking at you strangely

you just tilted your head at him before taking your OPERATION: SCARE mission a step farther

bringing your hands up to your ears you let out a ear piercing scream and squeezed your eyes shut before running through the group and turning the corner at the end of the small corridor

you heard a soft what the fuck was that and a less soft language! before you turned and waited for them to turn the corner

as they were walking up the corridor however (theyd resolved to moving with just shuffles of their feet) you heard a new voice speak up. it was somewhat playful and honeydew like, especially with the phrase “not gonna lie, they were really fucking pretty.” which was followed by a chorus of “miNHO”’s and “thIs iS NoT The TiME bUddY” and “i think felix is crying”

you were taken aback

did he mean that? was that the one looking at you earlier? what the frick?

you were still blanking out, completely flabbergasted even when the group turned the corner

of course, you were unprepared, you planned to scream a loud “GET OUT!” to them but all that left your mouth was a squeak as you met eyes with the stranger again, red flushing up your neck

you ran away quickly, ducking into one of the rooms dressed up to look like a metal asylum holding centre

“hyung wtf theyre the scariest one yet”

“you guys go ahead, ill be there in a second”

“hyuNG YOURE GONNA GET KILLED DONT YOU WATCH HORROR MOVIES YOU NEVER SPLIT UP!”

“let go jisungie, hyunjins looking at you like you disgust him right now”

a chorus of laughs echoed through the hall

why was honeydew voice not going ahead?

your cheeks were still kinda red as you waited, listening for the male to go away

you slowly inched towards the doorway of the small room you were in, the flashing light behind you somewhat hindering your senses as you peeked through the shredded and knotted white sheet hanging from the top of the doorway but you couldnt see anyo-

“BOO!” “HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK” you scReAmed and jumped backwards, only to hear some cakcling from behind the sheet where the boy from earlier had appeared

“WHAT THE HECK KNUCKLES DUDE!”

“heck knuckles?”

“DONT JUDGE ME MY HEART IS BEATING A MILLION MILES PER HOUR RIGHT NOW”

“hmm? really?” you looked up to see the boy smirking playfully at you. 

he looks like a cat

“aH yeAh??? you just scared the crap out of me!!!1!1!!!” you huffed, amused by him behaviour. you heartbeat still hadnt calmed down

“oh? you sure it wasnt just from looking at me?” he leaned in slightly, making the question seem innocent

“mmhm, youre that ugly that i flew halfway across a room.” though the comment was monotonous and you had a bored look in your eyes, it was purely for bantering

“nice try pumpkin, nice try. anyway, when do you finish with the whole im an ugly ghost coming to kill you thing? youre terrible at it by the way.”

your breath hitched and a blush came up your neck

“o-okay listen here, uh, boy! 1, i am Not a Pumpkin. 2, i dont know you. 3, im fucking amazing at this ask your friends and 4, i dont know you” you awkwardly coughed at the end

he furrowed his eyebrows at you “its minho, and the whole point is i want to get to know you.” he beamed at you after this

you felt lightheaded honestly, it was all happening very quickly under weird circumstances

but still, you muttered back to him a soft “i get off at 10:30″

he smiled wider, triumphantly, “10:30?”

you nodded and he took a couple of steps back, out of the room

“see you then i guess!” at this, he winked, before he jogged off to find his friends

you fell back against a wal

lwhat the frick frack paddy whack just happened?

you sighed, hearing the screeching and slam of a metal door, knowing you had to get back to scaring others

like,,, @ 10:33

you had all your stuff and you were walking out from behind the haunted house set up, waiting for your housemate

you honestly didnt think youd see minho. no guy is that persistent, right?

wrong.

“h-hey!!! demon child person!!!” you looked up at this

who the fuck just called me demon child person 

you saw him and holy shit

the haunted house was dark with red lighting in some places and flashing blinding white lights in others, you saw minho and you saw what he looked like, but wow, he was so much clearer now

he was absolutely gorgeous

the carnival lights against his tan skin, his dark hair, his skinny black jeans and big parka coat? you were absolutely mesmerised

suddenly you realised you were staring and he was standing right in front of you

“o-oh, uh, hi?” you could already feel the red on your cheeks

“mm, hey, wanna hang out for a bit?” he smiled at you, you saw a tinge of red on his nose from the cold

“oh, actually i uh, i came with my housemate and-”

“anD THEY’D LOVE TO GO!!” 

suddenly your housemate was next to you, throwing an arm over your shoulder and telling you to get home safely and asking you to not be too loud before shes nudging you closer to the attractive minho boy and speed walking off

“i gotta say, i like your housemate” minho looked to you with a wide smile. “should we get you some food first?”

you offered him a meek smile and shyly nodded. which he laughed at

“alright then, lets go!” he gripped you lightly by the elbow and led you through the crowd, passing some speedy and tall and colourful rides. you decided to speak up.

“sooo... after you get food, whatd you wanna do?” minho made a contemplating sound before simply saying “i dont mind, i just want to get to know you.”

oh

“uh, okay then, well uh, what do you wanna know?” “to be honest, a name would be great.” minho laughed goodheartedly, you saw the apples of his cheeks rise up and his nose scrunching slightly

“oH! riGht! im uh, im y/n”

this time he turned to you “y/n?” you nodded. “thats a pretty name, it matches you.”

you turned away mumbling a thanks before you realised he’d called you pretty

“woAh wait whAt??? do you?? have no shame??”

this time he giggled

giggled

oh my god your heart practically stopped especially when he steered you to a table for the both of you to sit down

“y/n, i dont know if you noticed but i basically sorta asked you out like 2 hours ago while you were trying to scare me dressed as a demonic creepy child, a really fucking cute one at that, you need to teach me how to do that im in awe. but yeah and then now we’re here on a spontaneous first date which i have no clue what im doing for and i really dont know you at all apart from you act in a haunted house which is pretty interesting but you were just that pretty that i stayed behind in a haunted house to talk to you. now ask yourself again, does minho ever feel ashamed of his blatantly obvious attempts at flirting? the answer however is: when it comes to you? no, never.”

he was smiling proudly at his little monologue whilst you were catching flies in your open mouth

“you...are actually the cheesiest person ive ever fucking met.”

minho laughs once again.

“honestly, ill give you all the compliments in the world if it means youll give me your number or something, even the ones that arent true”

you leaned over the table and slapped his arm lightly, grumbling under your breath about fliritng getting you nowhere in life

he simply rested his elbow on the table and his cheek in his hand, gazing at you and asking you what food you wanted

you ended up being so strung in by his his gorgeous eyes and soft looking cheeks that he had to call your name 3 times and repeat the question

bonus:

after eating some gross junk food and watching the midnight fireworks, minho bought you both fairyfloss and insisted on walking you home saying “its what anyone in their right mind would do” 

you walked along, him explaining his fear of heights and you explaining your situation of brokeness where you take almost any opportunity available

along the way he slinked his fingers through yours and placed them in the pocket of his big parka coat, smiling at you as you ducked your head to look at the ground, where youd started kicking your feet out extra to distract yourself from the affectionate gesture and calm the burning of your cheeks

when you arrived at your house, you fought over who should eat the leftover fairy floss.

you viciously shoved it into his hand, 

“you paid for it and you walked me home even though its late and cold, you keep it.”

minho looked like he was going to fight back for a minute before his eyes lit up

“ill take it on one condition, i get to feed a piece to you.” he beamed at you and you looked at him confused and skeptic

“uhhh, okay i guess?”

he picked a piece off of the stick and held it in front of you, you opened your mouth for it and he placed it in

before it could melt and you could smile at him however, you felt his hand on your cheek and a hand on your lower back tugging you forward to rest his lips on yours, moving his lips against them a total of three times before pulling back

“i know i shouldve asked, but id buy you fairy floss every day if i got to do that once.”

you were a stuttering mess, your mind was fuzzy, you missed the feeling of him so close to you already

“uh-i, i um. wow uh yeah. uhhh, yeah no its fine i um,,,, i didnt mind it actually. wait no, i uh, i really liked it?”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

minho is BEAMING OH MY GOD

biggest smile of the century goes to lee minho, born in 1998

youre so red it isnt funny and he just moves the hand that was on your cheek to loosely grab at your fingers

“mm, okay then y/n, maybe if you wash the fake blood off of your face and text me ill kiss you again, for as long as you want.”

if your face was red before

oh god

oh god

you squeaked and nodded as he chuckled, lightly kissing your cheek before backing away

“get some sleep y/n, and message me tomorrow.” with that, he was walking away, leaving you to enter your house and be greeted by a squealing housemate who had witnessed the whole thing

(you took minho up on that offer, and he did kiss you, and it was longer, and it was great until his friend chris walked into minhos living room and saw you both and started screaming about keeping it PG because there were (17 yr old) kids around.)

finish! hope you like it!!

[jolie-auletta]

Lose Yourself, To Find Yourself.

So, I had the honour of being part of an international women’s day seminar yesterday. Hosted by the beautiful Gaia Rose, at her annual awakened woman gathering.

Part of a 7 woman strong team, I made my first public speech.

Stood in front of 50 women I didn’t know, I spoke about something that had impacted my life. How I fully and completely lost myself, but found my true self by doing so.

So here goes;

When I first found out I was going to be speaking today, I was an anxiety ridden mess, I was almost automatically filled with all kinds of insecurities. What if my story isnt as exciting as everybody elses. What if people judge me. What if I dont even inspire any one?

And as normal as that thought process is for someone who has never spoken in public before, it isnt actually very logical.

While I was writing this speech I sent it over to my friend to read over and I told her I felt somewhat guilty for mentioning someone from my past.

I am literally about to say things to a room of strangers that I've never even said a loud before!

But that's when it hit me, I want to be part of teaching our daughters and the next generation of women to not be afraid of simply speaking the truth!

I was always an intelligent kid. I taught myself how to speak other languages, play musical instruments, top of the class.. so I should have been a grade A student, gone to uni and I could have been living 'the dream' right now.

I know that the dream is just perspective. The dream is what you make it. But what I’m trying to say, is I could have had a smooth and easy life, if things had been different.

I don't dwell on that though, devine alignment is something I speak of often. All that is meant to be, will be.

My secondary school days were awful. I started later than I should have, so perhaps that had something to do with it? I don't know. But I felt like I was just always having to try harder than normal, just to make friends. Constantly seeking approval from my peers, constantly trying to be ‘one of them’.

What I've realised it comes down to, is I've just never had good social skills. Which no body believes when I tell them because I come across so confident and eccentric!

But honestly I'm what I like to call a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group, but it's all down to analysis of behaviours and mimicking. In a sense it's just acting.

And that's what school was like for me, I shuffled between groups, making friends then falling out with them over things I just didn't understand at the time

It's like I just didn't know how to integrate with people , or be myself.

So along with feeling like I has no real friends.. I was actually bullied too. The entire time.

I remember having to leave school early just to avoid confrontation. The worst part is, I didn't tell a soul I until I was 25? So a whole 10 years went by without even telling my own mum that I was bullied!

That's something I really regret now. Because I believe it all stems from there and if I had reached out to someone, it could have all been different.

Anyway, the last year of school rolled round and I'm obviously so happy to leave!

But then this fear kicked in. What if I get bullied again!?

So I had an ingenius plan. (in hindsight this was not an ingenius plan at all)

I firstly completely went off radar. I chose a college in a new area, where no one would know me and heres the ingenius part. I made a new personality. Who is the most unbullyable person, I thought? All my previous bullies where quite 'rude girl' personas, so thats when i pieced everything together and decided who I’d be.

And it worked. No one picked on me and I was actually popular.

The mask was working, but that’s all it was, a mask.

I was still constantly seeking approval from people, always trying to be what I thought other people thought was cool, not what I actually thought was cool.

About 8 years ago, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. I was on medication but I took myself off of them when I fell pregnant. I did see a psychiatrist for a number of years, but I'm due to have another evaluation because I tick a lot of the boxes for autism!

This was literally a lightbulb moment! When I found out I could be on the spectrum- everything in my life made sense. And it turns out its really common for women with autism to go under the radar, or be diagnosed with depression, anxiety or bipolar/bpd like I was, and that's it, autism isn't even considered.

I am quite obviously high functioning, but every day scenarios like dealing with my emotions, sensory predicaments and simple socialising are a daily battle for me.

I have done A LOT of self healing and I have made a lot of progress, but I have come to the conclusion that whether I'm one, none, or all of the above , I just don't fit in a box and that's okay!!

I found my release in music, it was a coping mechanism, a world to get lost in.

But this leads me onto the second part of my story. During my music years, I met someone who would change my life.

A narccissist.

As i said before i do believe everything happens in devine order and its all lead me to where I am today. And I don't even hold a grudge towards this person. What's done is done.

And we were actually friends for a long while before getting together, we were best friends in fact, I can't even fault the friendship.

But the relationship was TOXIC!

The mental abuse was off the scale. And he also introduced me to cocaine. Now, in the beginning, it was all fun and games. Parties, recreational and I had no responsibilities in life so I thought why the hell not.

But it became more than that. He got me involved in not only taking it, but selling it too.

The entire relationship became based on that.

And ultimately it was detrimental to my soul.

I didnt even recognise myself. My family didn’t recognise me. It was like I had all these layers of personality I had invented to hide behind, but I couldn’t even remember who I was underneath it all!

I became more and more involved in this crazy lifestyle, so much so I ended up in prison because of it.

Honestly I look back and just think, how could I be so STUPID. It took me so long to admit that I was in a controlling and abusive relationship.

This guy had a hold on me. The kind of hold only a narccissist can have.

This wasnt some teenage crush where i 'loved' him so much and I'd do anything for him. I was a crushed soul, bowing down to a dictator.

I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I didn’t even exist. It was all about him.

My mental state was in pieces.

Im honestly so embarrased to tell people Ive been to jail. I mean even saying the word jail. It makes me cringe. I rarely tell people. There are family members that don’t even know!

But that prison freed me. From the jail that was my own body.

Its almost heartbreaking to think of myself all alone in a cell, no friends or family , but I had time to be on my own. With ME! The actual me, not the me I had been playing the part of for the last god knows how many years.

I honestly remember the day the penny dropped, it was when I put my nose ring back in. It sounds so crazy, but when I put it back in, all the pieces of me started to sort of fall into place too. I wore the clothes I wanted. I wore my hair how I wanted and I was starting to love being me again.

The mask was off! I existed again! And that was a beautiful feeling!

I can’t believe I’d kept up this charade for so many years! I should have been an actress, seriously 😂

So fast forward to today, I have a daughter, My Isabella Amethyst. I honestly love her more than I ever thought was even possible and she has played a major role in me becoming the person I am today, because she deserves me at my best and no less.

Another point to make is… As some one who was too foreign for the white folk; yet too white to be black… my whole life I had never fit in to a ‘group’.

I started researching my ancestral heritage and had a deep spiritual connection with the Italian and Spanish parts of my DNA. I even discovered I had Amerindian and oceanic DNA. Which was amazing and even more soul grabbing for me, it gave me a sense of belonging.

A lot of people say wow jode, you've changed so much!

But i am now, who I actually was before I was pressured in to believing I wasn't good enough as myself! Before I invented a new me, just to fit in with everyone else!

So along with becoming a parent, Ive managed to start my own holistic business too!

I do everything I love now, everything that makes my soul happy. I say yes to my intuition and say no to anything that doesn't serve me. We as women have to learn put ourselves first! We have to learn to trust ourselves, love ourselves and actually learn to be a bit selfish!

Life has given me some lemons, as they say. My world was incredibly sour at times and I have found my self in the darkest of corners, alone. But as clische as it is, after the darkness comes light.

I can wholeheartedly say that although I may not be 'living the dream' I could have been, if I had chosen all the 'right' paths in life, I am infact HAPPY. My soul is content and I am ME.

No matter what any of us have been through in life, we not only grow through it, we can flurish beyond it. These awful things happen to us, but they do not define us.

Sometimes we just have to lose ourselves, to find ourselves.

[gendice]

hey there! I haven't read an iwaoi fic since before hq's last season, what do you recommend?

hello!!!! i’m glad to be able to preach the iwaoi gospel to you. i’ve done ficrecs before but i’ll just list down my ultimate, ultimate faves if there are too many on the lists: 

- antithesis by sundowns

this fed all my pining oikawa needs and honestly the first part of the fic broke my heart a little but it was super in character for him so i loved it a lot 

- days fall away by lavendrsblue

hhgbhwejrnewr slowburn slice of life (i get that this isnt for everyone) but the characterisation was really good and the development of their relationship was really realistic and it was so good i didnt even realise it was 17k lmao 

- terrarium by sausaged

I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS FIC. it was so good from the symbolism to the portrayal of oikawa’s feelings from when he was a lil baby up until uni + the happy ending….a bitch is crying (me. im the bitch)

- soultouch by moami 

god this fic got me so emo but it was a good kind of angst and also iwaizumi being touch-starved but also touch-repulsed as a bonafide gay is #relatable

- paper cup coffee by rikke 

i loved this!!! i love mermaids so mermaid oikawa is yum. and it was a good fic too in the sense that it was funny when it needed to be, and serious in a way that was pulled off well when it needed to be. 

- shiver like i used to by shukagari 

i honestly have no words to properly describe this fic but it’s so emotional and well written i legit almost teared up fhjaf

- to be first, to be best by kittebasu

a classic!! but it’s really in character so i really don’t have anything to say to fault it 

- 10 ways iwaizumi hajime has said i love you by daisugass

this is partial bias bc its the first fic i read BUT i love how it emphasises on the nature of their relationship because they dont seem like they’d be lovey dovey as a couple and instead they’s express their love in another ways. good read :)

- i wanna ruin our friendship by roseknight

everything about this fic gOD from the portrayal of their emotions to the development of feelings and relationship….it’s so well written and i think it’s because the author was writing with so much honesty and it’s. so fucking good

all my other previous ficrecs are in the posts linked above and if you want the full collection of every single fic that i’ve read and enjoyed if you have lots of free time like me, they are bookmarked on my ao3 @ auras

[derelictarchive]

august 2021

literally after half a year i have decided to record back what i was reading. i didn’t read much from april to july i think, was very busy with uni and wasn’t feeling like reading fanfiction. started watching 2gether and found some rly cool fics to record here! and i think i’m going to change how i document my readings too, in that i don’t just put them all in one list? if i read a lot then i may just document them as i go and then have a little “favorites” section or something... im not sure yet.

1. sharp mind (kind heart) by varnes

“I can see your mouth forming the letters of my name,” Sarawat sang, and the crowd cheered, dobs of light from cellphones flickering on around the stadium. It was impossible to make anybody out, in the headlights.

In his weaker moments, he wondered sometimes: is he here? Did he come?

It wasn’t impossible. They were a famous band. They toured a lot. He could be a fan. He could be at this show, or next week’s, or any of the innumerable shows they’d done before. Sarawat would have no way of knowing. If he — if he remembered Sarawat, if he thought of him sometimes, he’d have no way of making his way backstage. He’d never come to a signing or a greeting or anything. Sarawat had stopped letting himself look.

The Stranger was gone and Sarawat had no earthly way of finding or identifying him.

-

Or: Two boys meet at a Scrubb concert. They don't exchange names or numbers. One of them goes on to write, like, four best-selling albums about it, and the other one doesn't know because he only listens to one band.

Anyway, they fall in love,

sarawat x tine

not rated but i think its T tbh

52k wc, 5 chapters

7.5/10

this was so, so good!! i loved every second of it, and i received all of the emotions that the writer tried to convey, it was just very amazing. i really did enjoy reading this and took my sweet time to finish it because i didn’t want to finish it too fast. ah, what i would give to experience reading this for the first time again. i didn’t rly enjoy the side pam/earn bcs i dont rly like pam lol but overall, will def re-read it.

2. Even After The Sun Sets by sheismelinda

There is something highlighting his perfect bone structure, but Yunho is too far away to really know what it is, but what the blond is certain of, it’s that even from where he's standing, the man looks absolutely otherworldly.

He has been so focused on watching the other that he barely registers what Hongjoong is saying next to him

‘He has glanced your way at least three times since I saw him, you're obviously his type or he wants in your pants.' and honestly the face Seonghwa pulls next to him is way too grossed out for being a pirate 'Either way we need that key, so you better find a way to take it off of him, fuck his brains out or slit his throat I don't care, just do this for me, please?'

yunho x yeosang

rated E, smut

pirate!yunho and escort!yeosang, top tier concept

4.5/10

okay tbh this could have been better. like i loved the setting, the concept, how it started, but i just have too many issues with the story for me to like it. first of all, i didnt like how they used ‘ ‘ for dialogues like it just messes w me so much, and its unedited and unbetaed, which means hella errors and sometimes it takes me out of the reading experience. also the sex was pretty plain and i skipped through it, wished it could have been better bcs the setting was sooo promising.

3. time is passing by (i still want you) by maywitherspoon

Tine realises calmly at first when he is looking at Sarawat, his one leg crossed over the other looking as serene as they come while playing the guitar – and then all of a sudden, as though a bucket of ice was thrown upon him. 

He likes Sarawat. And he absolutely cannot like Sarawat.

---

Or, an AU where the fake dating never happens but it does not stop them from meeting and falling in love.

sarawat x tine

rated t, 40k wc

3.5/10

there are parts that i like, like how tine's insecurities creates a different person in his mind, etc, but most of the story just falls short amd sometimes bad to me. like boss insulting tine bcs of what he did to wat, so ooc. even tine saying what he said too is ooc. he is NOT that harsh. and the whole sexuality talk... cringe. just cringe. the ending is unsatisfactory too idk its just not well-written at worst and boring at best.

4.  Brother-In-Law by dragons_and_angels

If Mil didn't like Phukong so much, he wouldn't put up with Sarawat and his life would be a lot easier. He might even be able to eat his food without Sarawat intruding all over the place.

mil x phukong

rated E, contains smut

6.5/10

i love how they made p’mil in here, the explanation on how and why he can fall for two different people like tine and phukong in a short span of time, what an amazing storyteller! the things mil said about phukong, about being able to be who he is because phukong saw that, saw how big of an asshole he is and still wants him... beautiful

5.  Always (Extra) Pretty by -catalyst (xo_thefirst)

The first time Atsumu steps out of the bathroom in lingerie, Tobio doesn’t immediately see the appeal of it.

kageyama x atsumu

rated E, pwp

6/10

i really did like it due to how well-written it is, and its hot too. i think im just not that into atsumu anymore tho lol 

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!