#also i just love him equating having feelings with not being a man anymore and he just accepted it because he wanted feelings more than

[mbat]

why are daphne and velma kinda so irritating in this show though

like i think ive already mentioned velma being shitty to shaggy and how its just so hard to watch no matter the reason lol

but also daphne chasing after fred so hard even though she can barely stand the things he likes and acts like he needs to stop liking it so much instead of her... like girl stop shitting on the mans fixation. he can love both of you AND HE DOES?

like the guys are just trying to vibe

id like to say this is me criticising the people who wrote this show more than anything

[loserlvrss]

꒰ 𝐑𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐍𝐎𝐒𝐄 ꒱ 章昊

summary : your boyfriend is denying he's sick, until he can't anymore

genre : cringely sweet fluff, hao x afab!reader, drabble, established relationship tws : pet names, mentions of being sick, pouty hao author notes : not even i can resist princess hao, im not the strongest soldier word count : 1.2k

you approached the man in the kitchen, he was making a tea you could smell from where you happen to be studying. lucky for you, hao knew you well enough that he had two mugs set out on the counter top. he was bobbing the bag as you came up behind him, wrapping your arms around his front gently.

“oh, hi!” he said after coming down from being startled. hao let go of the string, and turned around so now you were leaning against him leaning against the cool marble. you kissed the nape of his neck. “i was just about to bring this to you, how’s studying?”

“why’d i ever take environmental chemistry and biology.”

“because you’re a woman in stem!” he explained adamantly. “my woman in stem.”

you rolled your eyes, noticing the puffiness under his—that wasn’t usually there. you also spotted a light tint to his cheeks, it being darker on his nose. your eyebrows creased as you began connecting the dots.

you hadn’t noticed when he briefly came to say hello shortly after showing up to your apartment. and even if you noticed then, you would’ve brushed it off as him just being out in the cold. but now that you were up close and personal, you couldn’t only feel his warmth, but see it splotching his skin.

“hao…” you trailed off, backing off him, and leaning back to island. “why are you making tea? you don’t even like it that much. are you sick?”

he found it strangely odd that you could see through him so well, when his members were almost none-the-wiser to it earlier. he thought he was playing the roll of being healthy exceptionally, not even sniffling though he felt the crushing need to.

you watched as your boyfriend didn’t twitch, didn’t even flinch and definitely didn’t look guilty, but still you knew something was up. so you pressed on, quickly bringing a hand to his forehead—to which he almost instantly tried to dodge—your tell that he was lying through his teeth.

he caught your wrist. “y/n, i’m fine. really, it’s nothing. i just thought tea sounded good, and you just got a new one.” your eyes burned into him. “you know i like whatever you like.”

“yeah, but…” you gave him one last look, him dropping your hand in the meantime. “are you sure you’re feeling well?”

“yes.” he replied simply. “i’m okay, really, y/n. you worry too much. maybe you should’ve been a pre-med student instead.”

“oh, absolutely not.” you laughed, taking the mug he was holding out towards you. “i’d have no time to see you.”

“wow, you really love me, huh?���

you took a sip, mint and ginger lacing your tastebuds. you hummed in approval, wrapping your other hand around the warm ceramic.

“yes, which is why i’m not convinced you’re not sick.” he scoffed, turning his head to the side in disbelief; but he knew you were beyond stubborn when it came to him. “but, i’ll let it go, only until you can’t deny it anymore.”

you left him in the kitchen, going back to your spilled out notebooks and pens. you glanced at the laptop, groaning when you remembered what you were just in the middle of. you cursed whoever decided that equations needed to be used wherever possible outside of math, and gently set the mug against the wood. you put the back of your hand to your forehead, dragging it down to your cheek—just to compare what you briefly felt against hao’s skin. and what you found convinced you that he was sick and in denial about it.

however, you couldn’t figure out why. was he afraid to be in a vulnerable state around you? no, you’ve seen him in more compromising situations. so, was he just being stubborn? was he just trying to play it off because you had noticed when he was playing his role oh so well? you knew him better than that, and he definitely knew that too.

you took a breath, clearing your mind of worry and picking up the black pen that seconds ago laid lifeless. if he needed you, he’d say so, wouldn’t he? you promised you’d just have to wait and find out—and you knew soon enough that you would find out just how bad his sickness would get.

just then, a loud sneeze rang out against the silence, a groan following, though you couldn’t tell if it was because he was annoyed, or if the intensity actually hurt him.

“ha!” you shot up. “i knew it. i know him better than that. he thought he could—" you boasted, until another sneeze met your ears and your eyebrows (once again) came together. you turned briefly to put your pen back down, blinking a couple times when you saw hao standing against the doorframe.

he was pouting, and honestly, even though you knew he wasn’t feeling well, it was satisfying being right—call it your toxic trait but you had to bite back saying i told you so.

just as quickly as you got yourself to calm down, your concern came back. “baby, are you okay?” you reached out for him, and he complied, accepting you against him. he sniffled again, holding you tighter. “baby, why didn’t you just say you were sick. you know i would’ve taken care of you.”

“can you do it now?”

you nodded. “of course, my love. let’s get you to bed.”

you took his hand and led him a couple feet to your neatly made bed. you undid the sheets, pushing him to sit down. he was still slightly pouting his lip out up at you, and you fought the urge to ruffle his hair, instead opting for a gentle kiss against his forehead. he wasn’t normally like this, but whenever he was, you both seemed to milk it dry. he laid down and tucked him in playfully, earning a small laugh.

“i’ll be right back, i'm going to grab you some medicine, okay?”

he nodded, burying himself further into your dense blankets. but before you went, you finally were allowed to check his temperate against your own; it being exactly what you suspected, a fever. after, you ventured to the kitchen, rummaging through your cabinets until you found the flu medicine you bought at the beginning of winter, thanking your slightly-younger self for somehow predicting its need.

you came back, and hao instantly sat up. you started insisting through protests, but after he took the medicine from you, he complied, hermitting back under the covers.

“y/n?” he asked. “are you done studying yet?”

you debated for a second, only realizing that you were as ready as you’d ever be—considering this is going on your second week straight of nothing but chem and bio practice tests.

before you had the chance to answer, he lifted the cover for you to join him under. you ran to hit the light switch, coming back and climbing into the bed with your boyfriend. you snuggled against his chest, listening to his regulated heartbeat and breaths. and before you knew it, he was fast asleep.

you just hoped that he would be better once he woke up.

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

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[kiisaes]

I still think it's really crazy that Horikoshi did Midoriya so dirty by having him murder the boy he wanted to save, and, now that he's lost his Quirk, is stuck being lonely for like eight years feeling like a husk of his former self, only feeling like himself again when he gets an Iron Man suit. I'm not a big Dekuhead, but I'm asking around to see what Deku fans think of the writer's choices concerning his conclusion. I'd love to hear your thoughts!! did you like this? did you not? why? etc

as a dekuhead, i agree that killing shigaraki was confusing and i still don't know what the thought process is behind that. like, saving him has always been deku's plan and everything was pointing towards shigaraki rehabilitation but then ... we didn't get it???

so yes, shigaraki should have lived (it aligns with deku's goals and the narrative's goals) and toga also should have lived for similar reasons. i also agree that deku's conclusion should have been expanded upon more — i really wanted to see how killing shigaraki, losing his quirk, etc. truly affected deku, and we were kinda left hanging. but also i sorta just equate that with lack of time / horikoshi being rushed to finish his manga

but i fundamentally disagree with the rest of your ask. it feels like you've developed this opinion based on the 430 leaks and not the actual official chapter; it's just misleading. which i don't blame you for, because the mha leaks scene is fucking awful and has ruined an entire reader base's reading comprehension, which has consequently been perpetuated by the fandom

"is stuck being lonely for like eight years feeling like a husk of his former self"

it's not stated if he feels like a husk of his former self or not. he lost his quirk, true, but he verbally says he's ok with it (ofa was like a dream that he got to live out), and never shows that he's particularly depressed or upset about being quirkless again. i feel like this specific idea is very fandom-coded. everyone was drawing deku sad as fuck for losing his quirk but canonically he appears at most wistful, and normally just neutral. it is what it is, yknow? after all he says himself that he was originally quirkless anyway, so not much has changed.

also he mentions feeling lonely, but i hate this idea that deku has been lonely for 8 straight years. people have twisted this into meaning his friends ghosted him after high school, but like ... how would that even make sense. deku's friends love him so much, will fight at the world's end with him, and he changed their lives for the better. they would absolutely not ghost him. they just canonically don't meet up much anymore, because OBVIOUSLY, when you don't live in the same building as your high school classmates anymore you are NOT going to meet up as much as before. this is just how adulting is. you have responsibilities and jobs and lives now. people hate to hear it but it's the most realistic part of this ending.

"only feeling like himself again when he gets an Iron Man suit"

again, we have no idea if deku didn't "feel like himself" when he was just teaching. and this idea that he's not is fueled in some weird anti-teacher belief that i'm seeing a lot of, now that deku pursued education in his future. in my opinion teaching is a very fitting career for him; he's been inspiring and helping his classmates as a student, and he loves quirk analysis and gushing to others about their quirks.

he's literally training a new generation of heroes, he gets to work alongside pros (such as aizawa), he's constantly learning more about new quirks ... why is this not the deku we've known and loved? what about this feels wrong? just because he's not a stereotypical hero on the scene, he's suddenly a worse version of himself?

mha has drilled into our heads so much atp that being quirkless doesn't mean you can't be a hero. deku was quirkless his whole life but he had the spirit of a hero, and even when other heroes quit during the apocalyptic era between wars, deku was still out there, doing what he could. he didn't need the money. he didn't need the fame. he didn't need the recognition or the credit, even. he just wanted to help people. and being a teacher is one of THE most directly helpful jobs you could take.

from what i can tell, people who complained about teacher deku and "peaking during high school" and "working a dead-end minimum wage job" were all from the western fandom. i have not seen a single japanese fan complain to this degree. it's definitely a cultural difference but also i think they just read better than us. UA is a prestigious school with crazy name recognition and all teachers there are registered pro heroes. even though deku isn't technically a pro, they recognized him as one anyway, which allowed him to work there in the first place. like hello. over everything we should be grateful he didn't become a cop.

the way i interpreted him getting his suit was that

his friends love him so much they pooled their money all in secret just to give him another chance at actual hero work, even though they know deku's content with his teaching job. probably also so they can see him more, now that their schedules might align better

even though he's quirkless, he is still symbolically — and literally — a hero. turning society's preconceived opinions of quirkless people on its head

it had nothing to do with making him feel like himself again. he was doing fine. the suit is just a (very expensive, labor of love) perk.

and before anyone complains about him "receiving handouts" and that "he just lazed around for years until his friends picked him back up with the suit", SHUT THE FUCK UP. he's done so much for them that they felt it right to return the favor, especially to the one guy they know who earned it the most. also - he deserved a break from all of the shit he went through; why should it Not take him 8 years? do you KNOW how much pain he suffered? that amount of trauma lasts a lifetime. all of you SHUT UP.

as a dekuhead, i think his conclusion as a teacher who also works as a pro hero is awesome and cool and i see no qualms with that. my main concern is that we should've gotten more of a conclusion to deku's ARC and its connection to the story, but regarding his future 8 years later i'm totally fine with it. he's living out his dreams, working with heroes, studying quirks, and keeping in touch with the ones he loves. that is epic as hell

[justeeeen]

Challengers: A Good Time to be Bisexual

Just watched Challengers. It's 3 am and I'm still thinking about it.

For starters: I LIKED MIKE FAIST FIRST I LIKE HIM FIRST I LIKED HIM IN DEAR EVAN HANSEN OK I LIKED HIM FIRST.

Secondly, I'm realizing that I'm not into tennis enough to have realized just how erotic the sounds people make when they hit the ball are? Like I could handle the make out scenes, the nudity, the almost sex, but the sounds?? Especially for Art, like why did they have this man to make the most erotic whimpery moaning noise I've ever heard EVERY SINGLE TIME he hits the ball (I know why)? Like I felt like I was intruding and I shouldn't have been there. Convinced they locked Mike Faist in a recording studio, blocked out the windows, and had him do what he had to do in there cause that was OBSCENE.

Thirdly, I cannot begin to express my excitement at the resurgence of loser pathetic men in movies. I think Patrick is a loser, but Art is PATHETIC. Like peak simp behavior. He literally turned on his best friend for Tashi, a woman he had like 2 interactions with. To be fair, he was young and dumb and this was by far the worse thing anyone did in the movie, but it's pathetic man behavior. He literally equates her to Jesus. I'm going crazy.

Fourthly, this movie is so fucking sexy. Honestly it doesn't show any physical sex happening on screen, but just, the vibes? The music?? The noises?? Did I mention the noises?? Zendaya is absolutely stunning, and I appreciated their refusal to let her wear a bra in this. Josh O'Connor, I never found attractive before, but there were some shots in this movie where I was like "Ok, yeah ok, I get it." And Mike Faist, the man that you are (between the two of us I originally only wanted to see this movie to see Mike Faist be pathetic).

Finally, this movie is actually pretty straight forward. Tashi says multiple times that all she cares about is "watching some good fucking tennis" and that she doesn't want anyone to be in love with her. As for Art and Patrick, I feel like the only reason they really love tennis is for the relationships they get out of it. Art played tennis when he was younger because he liked being with Patrick and he even mentions that his Grandma is really proud of him, so that's another person he's playing for. And later, he's playing tennis for Tashi. Patrick plays when he's younger for Art, but I think when he's older he might be playing for fame? He just seems like that kind of person. And in the beginning of the movie he seems a little upset that no one knows who he is. Tashi played tennis because she loves tennis, and when she can't play tennis anymore, she's in love with two people who can. And she knows that what they have is the potential to play a good game of tennis. Which is all she cares about. I mean, I don't think that's true. I think she loves Art, but I don't think she respects him (it's giving TomShiv). I think she has more chemistry with Patrick, and potentially loves him more, but thinks she could never be with him because he challenges her too much, and she's too egotistical to be with someone like Patrick who's also egotistical.

I think Art loves Tashi the most, Patrick loves Art the most, and Tashi loves Patrick, but loves tennis above all.

To be fair, I don't support Tashi erasure, like this is one hundred percent a polycule and not like, a gay romance with a woman getting in the way of it. I just think that above all, Tashi loves tennis. That doesn't mean that she's not deserving of love, and that doesn't mean she doesn't love Art and Patrick, she just loves something else more. Tennis will always be the 4th person in their relationship.

At the end they all get what they want. Art wins the game, and wins Tashi by proxy. Patrick wins Art back by physically catching him in his arms and reigniting their friendship. And Tashi gets to watch some good fucking tennis.

[vizishereig]

24 with your ship of choice <33 i hope you have a lovely day/night!! :D

this evoked Leon's first time in fall for me, hehe <3

24. “You’re freezing cold.” from this prompt list :)

Scozai has a changing of seasons, but with how dry the surface of the planet is, it can only be boiled down to the cold and warm seasons. The caves protect against both, staying at the same temperature year-round, just like human ones. So, usually, the only people who are affected are the ones who are topside for one reason or another.

Leon hated being topside, in his last years on his home planet. Being in the militant district, drills were run every day. He used to get dry soil in his scales and the cold would make him sluggish, easier to hit. The cold days were the days he was at his worst, with a stiff shoulder that never fully recovered from the tail that had punctured it.

Krauser, of course, would never let up on those days. He’d push and push until Leon was aching with it, feeling joints stiffen up further, scales emanating cold even when they were sheathed. He’d fall into bed shivering, bundling up as much as he could after a shower (which was also cold, as Leon tried his best to get in and out of the shower block as quickly as possible).

Earth, on the other hand, is beautiful when the temperature changes.

The world, which was green a few months ago, is now a mix of golds, reds, and oranges. It’s cold, sure, but it’s not a biting chill. Not yet, at least, but Chris says it’ll get colder soon.

Leon’s favorite time is the afternoon, when the sun is starting to set. Gold rays scatter across the trees and the world looks like it’s on fire. It reminds Leon of Luis, and he’s slowly learning to live with that bittersweet feeling that appears when he thinks of his former partner.

He’s on the porch right now, though, curled up with a thin blanket, eyes scanning the trees. Chris and Claire had rented a cabin for Rose’s Thanksgiving break. It gives both Rose and Leon to experience something new. An added plus, the privacy allows him to be himself. His scales are hidden, but his tail is out, bobbing up and down in his lap.

The porch door opens behind him, but he keeps his eyes on the trees, watching leaves fall when the breeze blows a bit harder, drifting to the ground like fallen embers. As cold as it is right now, he doesn’t think he can equate fall to anything other than fire.

The person settles in the bench next to him, and now is when he spares them a glance. It’s Chris, not that he expected any different (the bench wouldn’t have settled as much as it did when she sat down and Rose is giggly whenever she tries to sneak up on him). The man raises an eyebrow at him, and he rolls his eyes.

“It’s pretty,” Leon says, gaze slipping back to the trees. His tail, unbidden, moves to wrap loosely around Chris’s wrist. He doesn’t move it, even as he feels the warmth through the chitin.

“Your English is getting better. You don’t even sound like you’re overthinking every letter anymore,” Chris teases, and Leon clicks out a few choice words in response to that. The man only laughs, reaching over to bring Leon closer to his side. The man jolts in surprise as he grabs Leon’s hand, making a sympathetic sound at the temperature of them.

“You’re freezing cold, Lee, oh my god,” he says, rubbing out Leon’s hands with his own.

“Yeah, but. It’s pretty,” Leon says again, huffing out a laugh as Chris levels a small glare at him.

“C’mon, inside. Rose wanted hot chocolate anyway,” Chris says, standing up and pulling him up as well. Leon tries to look upset, but fails, also delighted at the prospect of the sugary drink.

His tail moves from Chris’s wrist to loosely circle his ankle, but he doesn’t notice as he’s brought inside, one of Chris’s arms curled around him. Rose is inside, too, quickly letting out a laugh and running forward to cling at Leon’s legs, excited to see him.

He’s warm.

[gilsart]

I just KNOW that Frederick the Great is tweaking in his coffin right now with the victory of the rotten orange.

It's jover for all of us in politics 💀, we need a hero (historical political figure from Prussia who happens to be gay)

Oh no we do NOT need a comeback no thank you nuh huh not agreeing with this he better stay dead 🚩🚩🚩

All jokes aside!

I think we need to talk about this statement you made. I'm european, that means I'm not directly affected by Tr*mp's election, but I will be in the near future considering most politicians in my country love to lick fascist boots (not surprised, they're fascists themselves). This is a premise to say that we are collectively sinking deep in a pile of shit, but that I'm also used to fascist ideology comfortably sitting in Parliament chairs as I am used to anachronistic statements, so here's my two cents about what you just said.

I admit I have no idea if by "tweaking" you mean tweaking with joy or tweaking in horror, I've seen the verb being used in both contexts and English isn't my first language, but this doesn't matter. Whatever you meant, I wouldn't make a statement like this one to talk about the current situation, if I were you. Now, I know you were probably joking and that's fine, but I still feel like it is my responsibility to answer back to you with what I think about this, especially with what is happening right now: we need to stop thinking about historical figures with our 21st century mindset, ESPECIALLY when it comes to political matters like, for example, segregated and oppressed communities' basic human rights.

Especially when talking about queer historical figures such as Frederick, considering the time he was born, lived and died, he wouldn't even know what the word "gay" means. He wouldn't use the word "homosexual", he wouldn't know how to label himself, he wouldn't think like we do because we're talking about an 18th century rich white man. And he probably wouldn't align with any feminist ideology, as wouldn't most (if not every, but I'm not educated enough to speak on behalf of historical feminism) male figures from his time period. When thinking about it, being considerate enough towards oppressed communities as to, for example, not use certain slurs is a fairly new thing. The words used to describe a gay man back then would be considered extremely offensive right now – not to mention being a lesbian was equated with being mentally ill.

To mix historical figures and modern day society is anachronistic and aside from not leading us anywhere it can be extremely dangerous. What you said was innocent, I think, so I'm not accusing you of anything, and while anachronism can sometimes be funny (like, for example, a meme or a drawing) when dragged into modern society's ideology, it becomes a double-edged sword. Especially when it comes to Frederick. Idolizing him lead to some very bad stuff. N*zis glorified him as a hero and a great German leader prefiguring H*tler. Joseph G*ebbels commissioned artists to render fanciful images of Frederick, Bismarck, and H*itler together to create a sense of historical continuum amongst them and legitimise the Regime by doing so. To this day there are people who proudly call themselves "Prussian nationalists" which in the year of our lord 2024 is rather pathetic (wake up, Prussia doesn't exist anymore, guys) and deeply concerning. These people have reached out to me in the past and I ever so quickly blocked them.

When it comes to a drawing, something silly, something done lightheartedly, it is one thing. When people (not just me, people) draw modern AUs with historical figures just to have fun, with nothing problematic attached to it, that's just what it is: a drawing. But when it comes to politics let's remember that these people are dead, have been dead, and better stay dead and the fuck out of Parliament seats, politicians' mouths, and human rights movements because most of the time they wouldn't even know what the hell we're on about. And that is okay. They have done their time on Earth and we can study them, like them, make content revolving around them like I do along with many other people, but what we cannot do is use them to say they'd stand by us and agree with us because that takes us nowhere.

I'd like to end this by saying I'm not attacking you, and if you feel like I am or would like to talk about this further feel free to DM me. This is just a general message to everyone to not come to me with anachronistic takes, be they voluntary or involuntary, because I'm way too used to them not to start being really annoying.

[under-my-pillow]

I really don't understand Hak anymore

Just reading this panel made me realize that Yona wasn't the only naïve person back then. Hak was pretty naïve too or should I say remained purposefully blind?

Because in the next chapter we can clearly see that Hak overheard people in the castle talking about the Fire tribe buying weapons. A person with common sense, especially a general should know how dangerous this is if even people in the castle were aware of the fire tribe's movements— and Hak in the next few panels declares himself the next general— and what after?

Ahem? Excuse me?

You are right. He was no coward, he was more of an irresponsible idiot.

Despite being a General, the Princess's exclusive bodyguard, someone whose words the King had more chances of taking seriously, he said nothing, did nothing.

So it irks me when he of all people has the nerve to say to Soo-won - You're being selfish!

Hak says he he can't think of him as a coward when King was hiding his injury? That small injury? There were people starving to death outside ridden with diseases, drug addicts, slave trading, human trafficking— the scale is just too huge to compare— what exactly did he think of when you he saw this mess and heard what the people were saying?

King Il was the most selfish person in this story. Hak, was bloody delusional - He wanted an ideal future where - Soo won became king marrying the woman Hak loved because that was the only way the woman he loved could be happy - without ever even bothering to know of whit of what was going on around him! Even when the opportunity to change things around arrived, he ignored it to go cuddle with the princess?

Who here is more selfish among the two? It's not that the Soo-won he was friends with was a lie. From the beginning Hak only chose to see the Soo-won Yona loved. It feels like he was only friends with the image of the man Yona loved.

The day he saw the real Soo-won was the day he killed Il, and after over 200 chapters he still can't come to terms with the person Soo-won is?

If he for one moment can just put Yona out and actually be the friend he was supposed to be and understand the real Soo-won for who he is, and not some mirage he deluded himself with for over 10 years I don't understand why they can no longer walk by each other's side.

While Hak loves Yona very much, he was also supposed to be Soo-won's dearest friend - he claims he has known Soo-won longer than anyone else - but really? Why is he not burning to demand more answers that are related to Soo-won? He is just going to say something lame like will forget everything now?

If this had been Ki-ja or Jae Ha, I am pretty sure he would have hunted them down to demand answers, but when it comes to Soo-won, no?

So what does so many years of the so called friendship amount to then? I have begun questioning what was Soo-won really to Hak all this time? Because we can see that despite everything, Hak still means a lot to Soo-won without Yona being a part of that equation.

But does Soo-won still mean something to Hak without Yona in the middle of it?

Really don't get it.

Seriously, Hak, what is Soo won to you?

[cosmicjoke]

Alright, so, chapter 211 of "Vinland Saga", and what I most feared would happen seems to be coming to pass.

I felt like the last, several chapters were building toward a serious rift developing between Thorfinn and Einar, with Einar's increasing anger and distress over Thorfinn's leadership decisions, and his seeming willingness to give up all they worked to attain, and we finally see that rift manifest, with Einar's refusal to retreat and his declaration that he'll fight to protect the village and the land they've cultivated, despite the Nords being outnumberd 3 to 1. That he rallies every other man in the village around him, bar a few, seems to seal the deal that this is the route that's being taken.

We don't yet know what's become of Thorfinn and Hild, but assuming they make it back to the village, I feel like Thorfinn's seemingly fatally wounded condition will only spur Einar on further toward wanting to take this course, and from there, I honestly don't see how his and Thorfinn's friendship can be salvaged.

This truly is the culmination of the tragic reality of war, I think, and a demonstration of the ways in which war destroys so many things, including the bonds we have with other people. And it also demonstrates, assuming Thorfinn's and Einar's friendship is irrevocably destroyed by this, the price Thorfinn has paid for his pacifism and refusal to fight. Einar's just fully turned on Thorfinn's philosophy and way of living here. They've come to an ideological impasse.

We also see that demonstrated in Bug-Eye's and Nisqua's seemingly doomed love, with her saying the Lun must not enter the land of the Nords, unable to follow him home. War tears people apart, and we're seeing that play out in very literal terms here.

I also see the idiot Ivar hasn't learned anything from getting his hand chopped off. It's a sad state of affairs to see Einar side with him, but maybe the most tragic thing about this is, Einar's stance and betrayal of Thorfinn's pacifism is completely understandable, given his history, even though he's wrong, given the fact he's lost his home again and again due to it being taken from him by force. It shows how people become radicalized. Einar and all of the people of the village gave up a lot, and worked incredibly hard to create their village and cultivate the land, to create a home for themselves. The Nords came to Vinland hoping to live in peace and without war, but circumstances and, sadly, just human nature conspired to destroy it all. Einar's unwillingness to just give it up and walk away is all too human and relatable. The fact he takes the bust of Arnheid and plants it in the ground, seeming to use her memory as motivation to fight, also shows one of the great tragedies of this situation. Arnheid died because of war, because of the devastation and consequences of war, and all that comes with it, and now, in his rage and anger at the situation, Einar is apparently twisting her memory to justify his refusal to yield. What happened to Arnheid always threatened to awaken in Einar this sort of vengeful rage at the injustice of the world, because of course what happened to her was totally unjust, and he understandably sees their situation now as unjust as well, likely equating fighting back against the Lnu somehow as fighting back against what happened to Arnheid. He can't bear to just let it pass anymore.

I really am interested to see how this impact and affects his relationship with Thorfinn. I think, if the story approaches it from a realistic perspective, this might be the beginning of the end of their friendship. And there's something uniquely tragic about that, since Einar is the first person to ever give Thorfinn a sense of purpose outside his own quest for revenge against Askeladd, that helped him develop into the pacifist philosophy that's dictated the last, several years of his life.

Awesome chapter, and it sets up such high stakes. Let's hope the next, few chapters live up to it.

[aayakashii]

Part 2 of the title ideas I came up with!!!

I’m open to falling from grace

- I really like the idea of this being Jin, Leo, or Romeo. Like people who are attached to their image or power, who equate it with who they are as people. But realizing that they would give it all up for MC, if she truly needed them to. They know she would never ever ask that of them, which makes her that much more deserving of it. Maybe something happens where people are attacking her character/her worth to stand next to them, and while normally they would ignore it for the sake of keeping their position and whatnot (especially since the people are elevating his status, saying he is so amazing and perfect), he just cannot stomach them seeing you as anything lesser than his partner that he loves (whether or not you are actually dating yet or this is just a lead up to a confession after you were working with him for a long time on something).

Offer me his hunger on a silver platter

- Taiga is starting to fall for you. Maybe MC made him a little keychain book of the important people to keep next to his gun (important people being Romeo, Ritsu, and MC. It has a picture of the person, their actual name, the nickname(s) that Taiga calls them, and some smaller information + space for whatever notes that Taiga wanted to make for them), and one day he got annoyed that her stomach kept growling so he made a note to offer her food. So now is (multiple times a day because he can’t remember if he already did today or not) giving her food. Maybe he starts to make more and more notes about what she likes and dislikes, how cute she is when this or that happens, how much he likes when she is in his arms, and how her happiness makes the need for blood calm down. He ends up making the first note or something just “MC makes everything better. If you have to starve yourself, die or kill for her, do it. She’s worth it”

Evil, ornery, scandalous, and evil

- The outside point of view of Taiga or Romeo’s developing relationship with MC. Everyone is convinced they are evil and cruel and just using you (probably for your body), not knowing just how sweet they can be towards MC and only MC.

- Towa or Kaito telling you that every other person or relationship is evil and terrible because he is jealous and wants you to himself.

God-shaped Hole

- THIS IS HAKU!!!!!! Religious man who no longer worships any Deity after all the pain of his life or the way his family treated him, so he is left with nothing to devote himself to, even though that is all he knows how to do. He is listless and unmotivated in the wake of this, feeling like half the man he used to be without something to worship and love. But then he finds MC. MC who is faced with such an awful situation, yet still smiling and caring for those around her. She is further proof of why he doesn’t worship Gods anymore, but she is also someone he could devote himself to instead.

Fallen angels in the night

- Towa/Ren/Luca/Subaru/Haru who view MC as an angel sent from above. She is so kind and perfect and has made their lives so much better. So why did they come back to find her bloody and hanging on for dear life? Who or what did this to her? If it is still alive, it won’t be for long. Normally sweet-ish guys going absolutely feral for their love, and then coming back and crying over them, fluffing their pillows and doing all the work for them. MC is the fallen angel in that she is hurt, the boys are the fallen angels in that they committed great atrocities in the name of their love.

- Subaru accidentally touching MC and seeing all the pain she has had to go through both before Darkwick and since coming there. All the heartbreak and anxiety and fear and life-threatening moments and feeling so lost, and he is so upset that someone he loves so deeply has gone through so much pain and feels so alone. He won’t let her cry alone at night anymore. He will be brave, if only to just be there for the saving grace that makes him feel normal again.

Six underground

- Alan training MC in the pit to be stronger. She is so tried of being dead weight and unable to do anything to help on missions (besides enhance stigmas but even then she is in the way because she has to hold the hand of the other person which can handicap them for a bit). One day she mentions that she is also doing it because she feels a bit unsafe being a single female student living in an old, rundown dorm all by herself and the fact that this is broadcasted to everyone in the school. Alan had never considered this before but it makes him furious that she has to think about this. Asks if she ever had someone try to break in. Is NOT liking the “ummmmmmmmm no of course not” bad lie that he gets in response. Promises to train her, but also starts to spread word that anyone who makes MC feel unsafe is going to have to fight him in the pit with his stigma activated.

- The 6 times Taiga/Towa/Sho/Rui/Edward/Jiro decided that morality (and other’s mortality) don’t really matter to them if it means that MC is safe. Not fully yandere, but like teetering into that zone (just because sometimes I want to be ferally protected without worrying that my loved ones are next, ok). They are already shown to have a dubious sense (at best) of morality, and when they love something, they love for life. And they refuse to let anything shorten that life. (Also it doesn’t have to be killing all 6 times or killing humans - it can be meeting in the pit, threatening death, or killing anomalies with heavy prejudice).

I hope you liked them and that they aren’t overstepping/annoying/out of your comfort zone! I just have lots of brainworms and wanted to share them!!!

👻

1- OKAY I THINK THIS WOULD BE GREAT WITH ROMEO!!! I think of all of these three, he's the one that would definitely let the situation escalate a little bit before doing something. Like "who is more important, my status or the person I love?". I think it would click in his mind like "OH I love this person. What the hell." right before it's too late to do something. I think Jin would act quickly and Leo would let things go overboard 💀

2- THIS KEYCHAIN IDEA IS SO CUTE 😭😭😭 how her handwriting looks so neat near his chicken scratches whenever he jots something down 😭😭😭 I feel like this title would make me write something that's just a little bit darker, so maybe he would end up writing some personal info abt mc that he couldnt normally find out like her blood type 💀 maybe this one gesture could make him go like "oh this person is sweet. I could keep them" SORRY I CANT HELP INDULGING INTO YANDERE STUFF FLFHDKJD

3- This one was the hardest title for me, but I had to include it 😭 it's from a Lana Del Rey song "Doin' Time" and I'm obsessed with it 🫨 I think we could mix both of your ideas for Towa >:3c like how he's awful and threatening towards everyone else, but is a little flower boy with mc, all while trying to manipulate her...... like everyone else is soooo evil, but truthfully, maybe HE is the evil one..... (and mc doesn't see it, or maybe she does, or maybe she sees it and doesn't care because hey free protection from a pretty boy sign me up)

4- I GUESS THERE'S NO ESCAPING THE RELIGIOUS THEMES WHEN I WRITE ABT HAKU WHOOPS ¯\_(˘ ▽˘)_/¯ that man was made to kneel and pray at the altar of his beloved are you kidding me..... haku it is

5- I LOOOOVE the trope of sweet guys going feral and protective who do absolutely everything for their s/o and never wants them to lift a finger UGHHH 👌 I think Subaru is a great fit for this for real!! He's already a bit unhinged in my opinion so he just needs a little nudge to snap >:D this one is also part of a song and I thought of adding the next line as a subtitle (everyone is barred from heaven) once I publish it. I think it'd be like subaru being like "oh you fucked up so bad you're not getting into heaven buddy" lmao

6- I HEAR YOU AND THE DESIRE TO BE FIERCELY PROTECTED ☝️ that's why I love soft yanderes!! They only care abt you but wont necessarily hurt the people you love because they dont wanna hurt you like that 😌 I am absolutely in love with the idea of Alan threating people and anomalies alike though 😭 like mc gives him one phone call in the middle of the night and he's running to them (without getting lost for once) with his crowbar?pipe? to beat whoever is trying to hurt them

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND THE BRAINWORMS I LOVE THEM 😭🤲 Sometimes I need help when I'm writing and I also need to stop trying to make all my fics a surprise LMAO I am so afraid of talking abt what I planned idk why 🧍🏻‍♀️ I gotta stop that because I think it leads to burnout a lot easier SO I 100% WELCOME OPINIONS!!! Thank you so much for sharing your ideas with me 🫂

[muffinmonstah-art]

I was wondering how you got into some of the Barbara Gordon ships you like because I feel like she's a very unpopular character to ship with others and most people don't really bother having fun shipping with her.

I have this nsfw hc about Barbara where I feel like because she is someone who always has to be in control of situations that when she is sharing intimacy with a partner she likes to be controlled/dominated. Which is ironic because I have a nsfw hc about Jason Todd where I feel like because he didn't have control of situations in his life that he needs control and would seek out control in intimate situations with partners and would need to dominate.

I'm just an observant viewer who pays attention to character dynamics I think are interesting and the ship grows in me naturally. I don't give two cents about what other people on this fandom think it should be banned, cancelled or not allowed to ship for dumb idiotic reasons.

"But Barbra should date other people outside batboyes!!11111" "But the Arkham games aren't allowed to create an AU with an adult Tim Drake and pair him up with Barbra they're cancelled now!11111" "But Bruce and Barbra are like father and daugther I command everyone to cancel this ship and Bruce Timm is pro-incest weirdo who should be banished from the industry for daring to ship them together!!1111"

All background annoying noise in my ears. Weak reasons crafted by childish people not worth obeying. They're also hypocritical. Like, many of them would love to see a gangbang between Dick and the batboys. Hell, they headcanon Dick as a slut who likes to get banged by every older man on this universe and that's ok (I'm not judging. I'm ok with those headcanons as well, since I ship JayDick, SlaDick and BruDick with passion), but for Barbara to headcanon her the same way is morally wrong? Screw them.

Don't they realize the problem is DC putting mediocre writters to write Barbara into fucking DickBabs of all things and not the fans who dream about their own stories featuring this character? All the problems they try to inject into BruBabs, JayBabs, TimBabs, etc are already present on canon DickBabs lol.

-She got deaged and her personality got reduced into forever hormonal silly teen girl so she could be paired up with Dick and fullfill the trope of the americanized shoujo-like romance in comics.

-She changed from being Batman's love interest and an indepentent hero to be "like a daughter" to Bruce and subjugated to the Bat-family so she can be a pretty accesory to Dick.

-When she isn't dating Dick, she has to be thinking about him, mentioning him, comparing him to her current love interest. She also needs to be thinking about him and talking about him when she's working.

-She doesn't have any agenda of her own anymore, she only exists to be Dick's love interest and get comicbros horny by fullfilling the rol of being a female Batman with tits and ass.

All those problems are DickBabs problems, not JayBabs'. Not BruBabs'. Not TimBabs'. When BruBabs was a thing, Barbara was not a deaged insufferable idiot. She was independent. She was an equal comrade in arms to Bruce. When JayBabs got a few issues back in Batman Ethernal (I'm not counting Three Jokers because that's a whole other can of worms), she helped Jason go into a little arc and their bond progressed naturally from working together on screen. When TimBabs was a thing in the Arkham games, she was the best version of herself there's around, period. She was professional, a computer genius as Oracle, who was focused on the mission and being Tim's love interest was just a small part of her, not her defining core. And also OH. LOOK. Those devs proved you can cut DickBabs from the equation and have Barbara and Dick be themselves and their core character traits remain untouched LMAO. GET REKT YOU PIECE OF SHIT PAIRING.

So yeah, considering alll those points I just expanded upon, I say I'm in my right to ship JayBabs and TimBabs. And BardBabs too. Jason Bard also got disrespected and fucked over DickBabs and I don't fogive nor forget.

"But age difference!!!1111 you pedo shit1111"

That hyprocritical argument FOR SOME REASON does not apply to JayTemis I guess. Shipping JayTemis is ok while that bitch is like +200 years older than Jason, but with Babs is morally wrong because of her being like 11 years older than him? Fuck this logic. I don't care. At least I'm not deaging her. I'm respecting she is an experienced woman who went through tons of dark stuff and Jason admires that. Hell, in my headcanon, with Jason being a crimelord who has traveled all around the world learning assassin training, he would be bored as hell with some 20 years old girl. Lmao. What would they even talk about?

And I love Arkham Tim Drake and I think every creator is on their right to create their own AU story. The Arkham devs created their own thing and I love it. I ship the hell out of Arkham TimBabs, pair that also allowed me to have single Nightwing dancing his pretty ass over my face on his purest expression. 10/10. Antis go cry me a river.

"But you don't want Babs to date anyone outside the bat-family111!!!"

My favourite strawman argument. I debunked it the moment I declared myself to be a Jason Bard simp and a BardBabs shipper.

End of my rant/insight post.

Now it's my turn to tell you to get into SasoSaku, anon. SasoSaku is life. (Joking, joking)

[samalvsinpanic]

The hole/ Billford oneshot

I remind you again that English is not my first language, if you notice any mistakes please let me know.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

There was Ford, after the end of the world, next to his twin brother who was recovering his memory after saving the world, and all Ford could think about was the feeling of deep desolation that settled in his heart, burdening him with something heavy that left a bitter taste in his mouth. He felt stupid and selfish, what his brother had once told him, he shouldn't be feeling that way, at least not for who did it, please! In front of him was his brother, who sacrificed his memory for the whole world, and don't get him wrong, he really felt sad and scared when his brother looked at him with empty eyes without recognizing the twin face that looked back at him, but now he was getting better, the children were helping him remember who he was, and Ford also helped by telling anecdotes from his childhood. No, the one he felt so sad for was the damn Bill Cipher, the demon who had started everything, who had deceived him, betrayed him, used him, threatened his family, hurt his brother, who had understood him like no one else, who he had loved like never before. Ford had a lump in his throat just remembering the triangle, he wanted to scream, laugh and cry, he couldn't, after so much time, keep some affection for the terrible being, but he did it, a rational part of his brain told him it was normal since he never really went through the grieving process when the relationship ended, but it was still unpleasant to have that heaviness in his heart for someone who he was sure hadn't loved him the same way. Although now he wasn't so sure about that either, when Bill had him captive, for a few minutes, he thought that the demon really cared about him, that he really wanted him by his side, but he also wanted something from him, the equation to get out of Gravity Falls, he wasn't sure of anything anymore. He had spent the first night awake, looking for any sign of the demon, trying to convince himself that he was only doing it to make sure that he had really left. That night, after receiving nothing, he cried, he cried knowing that he really left and that he had not said goodbye, which was stupid, that demon deserved every second of his end, but that night Ford discovered his heart that was still beating, and unfortunately it was for him. What a terrible way to find out, a sick hatred grew inside him towards himself, not being able to get the demon out of his memories, even though Cipher was dead, he still had control of his mind. But everyone seemed to move on, his grand-nephews left, his brother was getting better every day, the strange man who worked at the cabin ran it wonderfully, and now he was on a boat sailing with his brother as they always dreamed, Ford supposed that he would simply have to learn to live like that, with silence in his mind and a hole in his heart.

[the-boy-meets-evil]

tell me how it got this way | ch. 6

pairing: jungkook x f.reader, hoseok x f.reader genre: fwb to lovers/friends to lovers, love triangle | non-idol!au, angst, smut, est. relationships rating: 18+, minors dni warnings: mentions of past issues (so brief), lots of kissing, explicit smut (seriously minors DNI), fingering (f. receiving), orgasm denial (f. receiving), unprotected vaginal sex (they've talked about it previously but don't do this), slight marking, begging, mentions of multiple orgasms, cream pie kinda, mention of oral sex (f. receiving), mention of shower sex, mention of bathroom sex, mingyu makes an appearance as the shithead roommate, i think that's it? word count: ~9.7k (idk what to say, it got away from me)

a/n: SHE IS FINALLY DONE! this is the fic that completely got away from me, ended up being much harder to finish than i imagined, and went some place completely different from the original idea. this was definitely not the ending i imagined, but sometimes you just have to go with what feels natural rather than forcing something that doesn't. i hope you enjoy it and sorry for the length.

prev. | masterlist

With a new day also comes the realization that you don’t get another pass. Today you don’t get to just tell people you don’t want to talk about the conversation with Hoseok and actually have them respect that. It’s time for you to start figuring out what it is that you feel and process your emotions. To use Jimin’s words, you need to start acting like an adult that’s published multiple books and earned a streaming deal. Which is kind of terrifying. All you want to do is pull the covers over your head and pretend the world doesn’t exist. 

You’re seriously considering that when you roll over to your side and Jungkook isn’t there anymore. And your feelings about him being gone are complicated. The rational part of you knows that he has his own life, his own things to do, he doesn’t owe you his free time. But, it was really nice just to fall asleep cuddled up with him, no sex or talking, just comfort. It’s also a little gut-wrenching to think he might have left without a word. That’s no who you are, is it?

Then Jungkook walks back into the room, still in just his briefs, with a mug in each hand. You sit up with a smile and accept the cup when he hands it over to you. It smells amazing, which isn’t a surprise. This man is good at everything, including something as simple as making the perfect cup of coffee. Surprisingly, though, he never takes the credit. Just reminds you that it’s easy to make good coffee when you’ve got a full coffee bar in your apartment. And because Jungkook is a saint, he tells you that he’s ordered breakfast from your favorite place. 

For all the time you and him spend together, it feels like it’s been ages since you had a day like this: both free from work or other plans, a full day just to be lazy together. You don’t even have to talk about it, you know you’re both on the same page when he asks if you have anything to do and says he doesn’t either. Seems really happy to be able to spend the day with you too. 

Okay, so maybe you did sneak an extra day of not having to talk about your feelings after all. It’s not like you were going to answer text messages when you were with Jungkook and it wasn’t like he asked about it either. Which suited you just fine. 

Today, though, you agree to go see Yoongi and Jimin. Without the special guest this time, because you really do want to figure out how you were feeling. And to do that, you really needed to take him out of the equation. As amazing as he is as a friend on top of everything else, this just isn’t fair. It’s not fair to ask for advice now. Besides, Jungkook has been at your place since two nights ago and Mingyu, his roommate, is getting whiny. Not that it’s unusual, but it does mean Jungkook should go home.

You suggest going to Yoongi and Jimin’s apartment since they’re both there, which annoys Jimin since he was excited to get out of the house. Even if it was only to come to your apartment. Your offer to bring coffee and pastries, anything he wants, which quiets him back down again. There’s also a strategy in it. Part of you isn’t entirely sure what your friends are going to say and going to their apartment gives you the chance to run, if you need to. 

You don’t, thankfully. 

Both listen intently as you relay your memories from the conversation the previous day. Jimin, as usual, interjects more than Yoongi does. He wants to know things about Hoseok’s body language, facial expressions, if he leaned in or fidgeted in his seat. And just as usual, Yoongi lets his boyfriend pepper you with questions throughout the story, only listening intently. It makes you a little nervous, though, because you know that he’s going to have something to say and you’re really not sure what it’s going to be. 

“I think this is a good thing,” Yoongi finally says, even earns an eyebrow raise from Jimin. 

“You do?” both you and Jimin ask together.

“I do,” Yoongi responds. “Even if you haven’t been talking about it, this fight with him and losing that friendship has been hanging over your head for the past 5 years.”

“He has a point,” Jimin agrees. 

“I remember when we met, it couldn’t have been much after the fight, I’d say a year max,” Yoongi starts and you nod. “I didn’t know what happened except that there was this pain completely covering you.”

“Wow, thanks Yoon,” you say, sarcasm kicking in as a defense.

“Will you just…listen?” he asks. There’s something in his tone that makes you roll your lips together and nod. “You wore the pain like armor, still do sometimes, but wouldn’t it be nice to not have to anymore? Wouldn’t it be nice to be free?”

“Yeah, I mean of course it would,” you say, letting out a sigh in the process.

“You’ve got that chance,” Yoongi says. “Jimin and I can’t tell you what you feel…” 

“Though I’m happy to offer opinions,” Jimin interjects, only to be silenced by a look from Yoongi. 

“But you have a chance to get closure, real closure, and move forward from one of the worst things you went through,” Yoongi says. “So figure out what you feel and talk to them both.”

“Both?” The surprise is clear in your voice and on your face.

“Oh honey,” Jimin says almost like he’s pitying you. “Jungkook?” 

“I’m not sure…” you start and Jimin is even quicker to cut you off. 

“I don’t wanna hear about how it’s just casual or you’re not actually in a relationship because it’s bullshit,” Jimin says. Which catches you off guard, a bit, because he doesn’t usually swear like that in your direction. 

“I know things have gotten deeper,” you concede. 

“He was worried about you the other night, when we went out,” Jimin admits and you realize you never actually asked Jungkook about the text. “He texted me…”

“When did you get his number?” Yoongi asks and Jimin smiles. 

“Aww is my Yoonie jealous?” Jimin taunts, earning nothing more than a huff in response. 

“You know she’s my best friend, right?” Yoongi grumbles under his breath. 

“Yes, my grumpy little cat, I know she’s your best friend. We exchanged numbers a while ago because I put him in touch with someone I knew about a job,” Jimin says and continues before either you or Yoongi can ask any questions about the vague answer. “Anyway, he texted me after he’d texted you a few times. Just wanted to make sure you were okay and nothing had gone wrong. I told him we were out and things were fine, but that I was sure you wouldn’t mind if he went over anyway.”

Not what you were expecting. Although you’re not sure what you really expected. The whole thing has been different than you were expecting. 

“Since he has a key and we do not,” Jimin adds and you laugh. 

“Yoongi does have a key,” you say and laugh harder when Jimin playfully smacks the older man. 

“It’s for emergencies, Jiminie,” Yoongi reasons, unbothered. 

“I’m gonna need my own key, then,” Jimin says. 

“Anyway,” Yoongi adds, trying to reign in the chaos. “Yes, both. You deserve the chance to get closure with Hoseok and move forward. But Jungkook also deserves to know where exactly you and him stand.” 

It’s a completely fair point, entirely understandable to lay it out like that. Only one problem. You really don’t have any idea about the answer. Despite admitting this, Yoongi stands firm that Jimin can’t help because you need to work it out on your own. Can’t even offer his thoughts or a little suggestion. Yoongi puts his foot firmly down. And he’s right, isn’t he? This isn’t something for them to figure out. This is your life and they’re your relationships. You can’t have someone else tell you how to feel.  

You take the time that you haven’t given yourself to process. Time to sit alone with yourself and your thoughts, no distractions or outside opinions. It’s not as scary as you thought it would be. There’s a strange kind of comfort in it. Maybe that’s a sign you’ve grown. Not a lot, there’s no need to go crazy, but at least enough to examine where you are. 

In the past, it might’ve taken you weeks, or even months, to process your feelings. Largely because you never actually stopped to process them. Now that you’re actually giving yourself the time and space, it’s only a couple of days. Well, it’s not that you think you’ve figured it all out. You just know Yoongi was right. You need to talk to Jungkook and you need some form of closure with Hoseok. Since you haven’t seen Jungkook in a few days, you figure inviting him over will at least get you moving. 

The best thing about Jungkook, and there is a lot to pick from, is that he always goes with the flow that you set. He’s supportive and kind and caring without being overbearing. The problem with that, though, is you never really noticed when the roles changed. Never noticed how much more observant he became. Never noticed that you know him as well as yourself. Never noticed that you depend on him more than anyone. 

He listens to everything you have to say, keeps his face carefully neutral while you relay the conversation you had days ago with Yoongi and Jimin. If he feels any kind of way about you processing without including him, he doesn’t show it. His face is thoughtful, at times, but you’re not entirely sure what he thinks. There’s something for a second when you say that you had to figure out what your feelings for Hoseok are. And it’s gone just as quickly. 

“You know he’s the reason nothing has ever worked, right?” Jungkook asks and you look for some sign he’s upset or hurt.

“I’ve always said that. That him throwing our friendship aside has made it hard to trust people,” you respond automatically.

“That’s not what I meant.” His voice is soft and low. 

You want to look down and avoid his eyes, but something keeps your eyes on his. Maybe it’s that you don’t know exactly what’s going to happen now that he’s said it aloud. Maybe it’s wondering if this is the last time you’re going to see that warm smile directed at you, the one that always makes you want to smile in return. You don’t know if everything is going to change.

You do know exactly what he means, though. You’ve known since Hoseok appeared back in your life. And maybe it’s not exactly what you expected. Hoseok’s sudden reappearance meant dealing with a lot of emotions and pain that were unclear 5 years ago. Emotions that are both clearer now and still not crystal clear. But struggling internally is very different than having this person you care so much for pointing it out. It scares you. Just how much has Jungkook realized? 

“I don’t know what to say, Kookie,” you admit, finally looking down. You pull your lower lip between your teeth. 

In a second, he’s closing the gap between you and tilting your head gently up to meet his eyes. He smiles softly, the same as always. “There’s nothing to say, I get it.” 

“How long have you known?” You have no idea why this is the question you ask in your hushed tone, but it somehow seems important.

Jungkook is quiet for a moment, like he’s thinking about what to say because he’s not usually one to say much unless he has time to think it through. This is different though. He seems to want to answer. “I guess, well I think I knew there was something when we first started hanging out. I was sure at that gala you brought me to.”

“I’m so sorry,” you repeat and he’s shaking his head.

“We’ve always known what this was, you and me, and it’s always been great,” Jungkook says and you start to open your mouth. You’re not actually sure that he realizes what you want to say. “Don’t worry. You never hurt me. Just don’t fuck it up now, okay?”

“What?” 

Jungkook smiles again and shakes his head. “Tell him. Tell him for real this time, before it’s too late for you to say something, before he disappears to give us a chance.”

“To give...us? I don’t…” You’re sputtering the words out, so confused with not only what Jungkook is saying, but with your emotions as well. Your head is a mess again and you’re not really sure what you’re supposed to say. This isn’t how this was supposed to go.

“I could see it on his face, the last time I saw him, he thinks I’m good for you,” Jungkook says.

“You are,” you say. “You know me so much better than I ever realized, so much better than I think either of us planned.”

“I know I am and I know I’m also the only one you’ve let stay around for this long. It’s just time for you to take a chance at getting what you want, even if you’re scared,” Jungkook says. Part of you really wants to disagree and doesn’t. Chicken.

“Can I ask you something I have no right to ask?” you ask. Jungkook arches his eyebrow at your question, clearly intrigued, but possibly deciding if it’s a good idea. 

“Sure,” he says, curiosity winning over.

“Were you seeing anyone else? Like while we were doing...whatever this was?” you ask. The answer somehow feels important to you. So much so that you hold your breath.

“Casually dating, I think is the word,” Jungkook offers.

“You’re cute, but I think we both know we sucked at casual,” you say and Jungkook chuckles. 

“Did we?” Jungkook asks.

“I mean, yeah? Jungkook, you literally show up at my apartment with coffee or breakfast when I’m hungover. You have a key, for fuck’s sake. I’ve asked you to come to events with me. You bring me to events with you. We hang out and do things without it being sexual at all,” you say and he looks like he’s about to say something. “Which I love, to be clear. I wouldn’t change anything about how we’ve been.”

“I wouldn’t change it either,” Jungkook says and is thoughtful again for a moment. “No, though, I wasn’t.”

“You weren’t?” Somehow this surprises you, even with how bad you were at casual.

“Nah, it was just you,” he says and you nod. “How about you?”

“Please, I always was clear I wasn’t seeing anyone else,” you say. 

The conversation is just so casual, so easy. You know you should be able to think of another word to describe things with him, but you can’t. He’s such a steady presence in your life that you’re not really sure how to go forward with his advice, even though you know he’s right. It’s weird to think you might have a Jungkook-sized hole in your life soon. He’s made himself at home and you’re not really sure you’re ready to lose that safety net.

But it’s not fair to anyone. It’s not fair to Jungkook, even if he says that he’s really not looking to be in something serious with labels and expectations. In the back of your mind, you do know that the two of you have basically been in a relationship for months without calling it that. This conversation with Hoseok is just one that you need to have. You know that there were more than just friendly feelings simmering beneath everything that happened. Not everyone gets closure, but you can and you’re going to try.

You’re nervous. Like really nervous. Like the kind of nervous where your leg is jiggling almost uncontrollably and you react every time the door opens. Okay, maybe that’s because you had entirely too much caffeine in your system. This had been the compromise though. Overly caffeinated was fine, apparently having a drink (or four, who’s counting) was a bad idea. You were internally cursing at taking Jimin’s advice on doing this sober. What did he know anyway?

(Jimin is in a happy relationship, you remind yourself, with someone you never thought would settle into something as easily as he had with Jimin. Okay, so maybe Jimin knows something, but you’d rather die before admitting that because he’s smug enough already, thank you very much.)

So yeah, the caffeine isn’t helping the nerves. Knowing Hoseok is on his way and you’re going to tell him how you used to feel is worse, though. You know there’s a part of you that has feelings for him now. You know that’s why you fell into bed with him. This seems like something he should know, or should have known. Or maybe he does know and he just hasn’t said anything. Feels bad about Jungkook. Which you do too, honestly.

No, you need to stay focused and you’re cursing yourself that the only time you can ever be early seems to be when you’re meeting Hoseok. It’s giving you too much time to think and re-think. Maybe you should just get up, text Hoseok that you’re sorry but something came up with the series and you’d have to catch him another time. (Which, you then remind yourself, is a terrible idea because one of Hoseok’s dance students is in the series so he could definitely tell Hoseok nothing came up. Ugh.)

And then he walks in, just walks through the door like there isn’t anything to worry about and nothing is going to change. Which maybe nothing will change for either of you, that thought has been on your mind constantly. Jungkook seems sure that Hoseok has feelings for you and seems sure that you have some kind of feelings for him. Maybe he’s right.

Hoseok’s smile upon seeing you sitting there is instant and genuine, that warm smile that’s always felt like it was only for his favorite people. Once upon a time, you knew you’d meant the world to him. Now? You aren’t sure. 

As soon as he had a coffee of his own, he joined you, sitting down looking suddenly apprehensive and something else you can’t place. “It’s good to see you.”

“Thanks for coming to see me,” you say, not sure exactly how to act. 

“I wasn’t sure, after that whole thing about the TV series,” Hoseok says and you sigh. 

You apologize for that, because you know it wasn’t ever a serious thought that Hoseok would do something like that. He isn’t underhanded or calculating. Sure, he hurt you all those years earlier, but getting close to you again just to help someone get a role in a TV show? No. That wasn’t Hoseok. You’re falling over yourself to make sure he understands just how sorry you are for it. In typical Hoseok fashion, he accepts it easily. 

“It was really bad timing,” Hoseok admits, “running into you out like that, us being drunk, ending up back at my place.” 

“That wasn’t exactly what I signed up for,” you say. 

“No, I know, and then with Jungkook, I know you said it wasn’t serious. But, I see how you and him are together. He’s good for you,” Hoseok says, kind of rambling in an uncharacteristic way. 

“Yeah, he has been really good for me,” you say. “I guess…this has all been confusing and I’m not really sure what the future is for him and me.” 

He’s surprised, clearly. He was sincere in saying how you and Jungkook were good together. You think you see something else too and you’re not sure what it is. When did you get so bad at reading his emotions? There was a time you knew his face better than your own.

“What happened?” Hoseok asks. “I don’t ever remember seeing you like that with anyone, even if I have missed years of your life.”

That gets a sigh out of you. “Jungkook is different. He’s kind and patient, listens even when my mouth can’t keep up with my brain, which seems to be a lot. He supports my mood swings while I’m writing. He’s really good at calming me down when I want to throw my computer out the window and quit writing.”

“Which also probably happens a lot,” Hoseok jokes and you can’t completely fight a laugh.

“I’d like to say it’s better now, but it’s not,” you concede.

“So why aren’t you sure?” Hoseok asks.

“Why did you pop back up?” you ask. “Why now?”

Hoseok lets you answer his question with a question. 

“I don’t know,” Hoseok says and thinks about it. “I knew I made a mistake, that I fucked up for what I said then. I think, eventually, she knew it too. I couldn’t get why she was so threatened by our friendship, she couldn’t get why I didn’t get it. I had all this regret and I didn’t know how to apologize.”

“I’m sorry for being a dickhead is usually a good place to start,” you offer, and Hoseok levels you with a look. “Sorry.”

“We finally broke up and I wanted to call you the minute she left. I just felt like that would feel off? Like ‘hey, we just broke up, you were right and I’m sorry’ just felt lame,” Hoseok says. 

“I want to say it wouldn’t have been, but I also don’t think I would’ve been in the right headspace to hear it,” you acknowledge.

“I figured,” Hoseok sighs. “So I waited, and then you had a book drop and some time went by. I was getting ready to reach out, when I looked at your Instagram. The last two posts were a super heartfelt post about a friend of yours that you referred to as your best friend and then a picture with some really attractive guy looking at you like you were his whole world.”

You thought you remembered the timeframe and who you’d been dating. Seokmin had been wonderful and beautiful and cared deeply for you, a feeling you weren’t able to return completely. 

“The post with Yoongi, who I had to fight to even get pictures with for the record, must’ve been hard for you to see,” you acknowledge and Hoseok looks puzzled. “The one gushing about him being my best friend?”

“Oh, sure, that was the harder of the two,” Hoseok says and for one of the first times in your life, you feel like he’s lying. 

“Still, though, if it’s when I’m thinking, I dated that guy like over a year and a half ago,” you say. “And, to be fair, it wasn’t as serious as it probably looked.”

“I just, I don’t know, I missed you. I was at my sister’s with her and her husband and I just, I missed you,” Hoseok said. 

“I saw pictures from her wedding, she looked stunning,” you say and then, almost without a thought, “and so did you. I mean, you looked really handsome.”

The tips of Hoseok’s ears flushed a bit, another something out of character for him. 

“She was so upset. She thought I’d have patched it up with you by then and you’d have been there. She nearly told me not to come unless you were there too,” Hoseok says. 

“I missed you too,” you say and sigh because you know you have to just say it. 

“I’m surprised you thought about me at all,” Hoseok says quietly. 

“Well I tried not to, it worked a lot. Not nearly as much as I’d have liked. But artists are supposed to suffer, right?” You laugh a little without any humor. “Look, I have to put my cards on the table,” Hoseok says. “All those years ago, the things I was saying. I realized later I had it backwards. I’d been in love with you since we slept together that summer. I just, I didn’t really know what to do with my emotions and you were so sure about pretending it hadn’t happened. I’m so sorry for everything that I said and for everything that it put you through. I know it doesn’t make up for it now and I can accept that. I fucked up. Plain and simple. And I’d be willing to spend however long I needed to showing you that I’m so sorry. That’s why the relationship finally ended, though, she realized I was still in love with you. It wasn’t just that I felt bad for what I said, which I still do, it was that I couldn’t help from bringing you up, especially when anyone talked about you as a writer. I was still in love with you and she felt like she couldn’t compete.”

“What?” you ask, unable to form other words.

“I’m so sorry to dump this on you now,” Hoseok says and you sigh.

“You weren’t alone and she wasn’t entirely wrong,” you say and his eyes lock on yours. “I did have feelings for you back then, super complicated feelings that I didn’t really know how to process. Or even what they were.”

“You’re talking in the past tense,” Hoseok comments and you bite your lower lip.

“I am, aren’t I?” you ask idly.

“I’m too late,” Hoseok realizes and you look away. 

“Hobi, I do have feelings for you, that drunken night wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t,” you say and chuckle. “We’re way too old to act like drunkenly falling into bed is meaningless.”

“No, I agree there,” Hoseok says. “But?”

“I think I just walked away from someone I shouldn’t have so we could have this conversation,” you say. 

“I think you did too,” Hoseok admits after a moment and you can see how hard it is on him.

“You don’t get it though,” you say and shake your head. “It was never serious with Jungkook. Never something we labeled. He let me walk away to come talk to you. He encouraged it. He doesn’t want more with me.”

“Of course he did,” Hoseok chuckles. “What was he supposed to do?”

“Ask me to stay?” you ask and Hoseok looks amused. 

“You don’t see the way he looks at you, at least the way he did at that Gala. It took me a long time to approach you because of it. I was already there when you and him walked in,” Hoseok says, which really catches you off guard. You’d assumed he was a late arrival or at least that he hadn’t seen you yet. “You were sighing and I could just imagine you talking about how much you didn’t want to be there, but his eyes just stayed on you. So fond. And then there’s the way he apparently looks at you when he shows up to the set.”

“How do you…?” you ask and then realize. “Chan, of course.”

“He didn’t know what he was doing, just mentioned a guy with tattoos that seemed crazy about you showing up pretty often,” Hoseok says. “Chan’s so obsessed with your work and so happy about the project. He was all starstruck talking about the guy that looked at you like you hung the moon while you were just drinking your coffee.”

“Yeah, well, I need my caffeine,” you say. What else are you supposed to say? Your brain wants to process it all and wants to believe it. It’s just, it goes against everything you thought you knew.

“We were too late and that’s something I have to live with. And maybe it’s for the best, we’re not 22 anymore,” he says. “But you don’t have to be too late for this.”

“I’m so sorry, but I have to go,” you say and rush out of the coffee shop. 

Even though you spend a lot of time at your apartment, you still spend some time at Jungkook’s apartment too. The downside is just that he lives with a roommate. Not a downside really, because his roommate is great, it’s just that sometimes he complains about how single he feels around you and Jungkook. Which you didn’t really understand until now. It’s like now you can see exactly how you’ve been the entire time. You’re not sure how you missed it.

And it’s Mingyu that answers the door. You forgot that he’s like 7 feet tall as you’re looking up at him in the doorway. He looks confused for a second before he’s leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed.  

“Long time, no see,” he says casually.

“I know, is Jungkook here?” you ask and he shakes his head.

“I thought you’d be with your new boyfriend,” Mingyu says and you frown at him. Frown because he didn’t answer your question. It doesn’t even occur to you that he wouldn’t know about Hoseok unless Jungkook was talking about it.

“Please, Mingyu, is he here?” you ask again.

Mingyu sighs and steps aside so that you can come in. “He’s not, but you can wait.” 

“Do you know when he’s gonna be back?” you ask.

Mingyu opens his mouth, probably to say something sarcastic, and then stops himself. Which is weird. Weirder still, his face softens.

“I really wanna fuck with you, but I’m hoping that it’s a good thing that you’re here,” he says. “He legit just went around the corner to get coffee so he should be back really soon.”

“Thank you,” you say. And you mean it.

“Can I say something?” he asks, seems to be fighting with himself. 

“You’ve never hesitated before,” you answer. Which is true, you don’t know Mingyu that well, but Jungkook’s roommate has never been shy around you.

“You mean a lot to him,” Mingyu says. “I know he’ll never come out and say it like that and he’d probably kill me for telling you, but you do. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for you. I’ve known him for years and he’s never been like this about anyone.”

“Yeah, I think I’m realizing that,” you say, earning a smile from Mingyu. 

“Just give him a shot,” Mingyu says.

He’s about to say something else when you both hear a key in the lock, both turn to look at the door when the handle turns, both watch to see the reaction of the man walking in. 

“Gyu, I got you a coffee too even though you’re a complete…oh!” Jungkook says, catching sight of you in his living room. “What are you doing here?” 

“Sorry, it’s just…well, I,” you start, tumbling over your words and miss Mingyu shaking his head.

“No, sorry, that came out wrong. I’m happy you’re here, I just figured you’d be with Hoseok,” Jungkook says and his face crinkles. “Don’t tell me that idiot turned you down.” 

“Thanks for the coffee,” Mingyu interrupts. “I’m gonna head out, actually.” 

“I thought we were…” Jungkook starts, adorably confused.

Mingyu only claps him on the shoulder. “Another time, trust me.”

“Can we sit?” you ask and Jungkook looks unsure but he nods. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get coffee for you too, I didn’t realize,” Jungkook starts.

“No, it’s fine, I definitely don’t need more caffeine,” you say.

He laughs, “well that’s a first.”

You take a deep breath and try not to watch the range of emotions on Jungkook’s face because you’re scared you’ll lose your nerve. 

“I’m sorry,” you say quietly to your hands. 

“For what? Did he turn you down?” Jungkook asks. You can hear the protective side of him coming out.

You ignore the second question. “For everything that’s happened since that Gala I dragged you to. All the times you’ve had to pick up the pieces, all the times you’ve had to comfort me, all the advice you’ve had to give about another guy.”

“Oh,” Jungkook says softly. “Well, that’s okay.”

That makes you look up. “No, it’s not. You don’t deserve that. You don’t ever deserve to think that you’re anything less than amazing. I know I’ve made you feel like a second choice, like a back-up plan, you’re not.”

“Hey, life is complicated, right? I’m a big boy, I knew what I was getting into,” Jungkook assures you.  

“Still though,” you say.

“What happened with…him?” Jungkook asks. It’s the first time his careful mask has slipped and it gives you hope. Hope you’re not sure you have a right to feel. 

“He told me he did have feelings for me, both back then and now,” you say. 

Jungkook, usually so composed with you, lets some of his frustration come through his next words. “So what are you doing here?”

It’s harsher than he usually speaks to you and you know you completely deserve it. You need to actually get the words out and let him make a decision for himself for once, without putting you first. 

“I realized that it wasn’t him that I wanted,” you offer, so quietly that you’re scared he won’t hear. But he does, of course he does. 

“I don’t…” Jungkook begins.

“I think my feelings towards him have always been complicated, tied up in how he was the first real friend I’d ever had. There’s a part of me that did feel some kind of love for him and definitely some kind of physical connection to him,” you say and pause. You need to take a breath to keep going. To steady your nerves. “It wasn’t until I was sitting across from him that I realized, I’m not 22 anymore. Maybe it would’ve been right then, maybe it wouldn’t. But it isn’t right now and I don’t wanna be chasing something from years ago. Love doesn’t have to be that complicated.”

“I…no, it doesn’t have to be complicated,” he agrees. 

“So he realized he was too late and I realized it wasn’t him I should be talking to,” you say and look up into Jungkook’s soft brown eyes. You’re not even sure he’s breathing with how intently he’s watching you. And hopeful, so hopeful. “It’s you that I want, Jungkook, if I haven’t fucked this up so bad that you can’t…”

You don’t get to finish your words before his lips crash against yours. And the feeling is warm and comfortable and electric all at once. It’s right in a way nothing else has been before. He just fits together with you like it was always supposed to be this way.

“I’m so sorry, Jungkook,” you say between kisses. “I am so insanely sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

“It’s okay,” he assures you, not wanting to break apart. 

You have to pull away though, his face between your hands. “It’s not and I want you to know that you’re my first choice. This, right here with you, is all I need.”

“I know,” he says. “And fuck, I’m so happy you’re here. I know we have a lot to figure out but can we just…can we do it tomorrow? I just want today with you.”

How can you deny him that? After everything that’s happened between the two of you, you really do feel like this is the least you can do. He’s also far more perceptive than you’ve given him credit for, so maybe it’s okay to just follow his lead this time. 

Kissing Jungkook now feels…different. Not bad, just new somehow. Which is kind of crazy because you’ve kissed him thousands of times over the months you’ve been together. There’s just something about your brain and your heart finally seeming to be on the same page that makes everything feel more. More feelings, more happiness, more excitement. You didn’t think that kissing someone could get any better. It has, though, and you’re not sure you’re going to be able to catch your breath if you keep going. 

Another amazing thing about someone who knows you as well as Jungkook is that you don’t always need words. When he stands and grabs your hand, you follow him into his bedroom without even questioning it. You watch, eyes probably full of some nauseating level of affection, as he sits on the edge of the bed and reaches out for you. There’s an equal amount of affection as you let him pull you in and settle on his lap, one knee on either side of him pressing into the mattress. 

There’s never really been a rush with Jungkook, at least not since the first few times. Yeah, there have been plenty of rushed times, but just as many slow. This is somehow different, just like the kiss. And that makes sense, doesn’t it? Because you have all the time in the world. All the time to be together and figure each other out even more. Jungkook may have the edge there. 

His hands are firm on your hips, keeping you anchored in place, stopping you from rolling your hips against his for the friction you crave. The control is  a stark contrast from the softness of his lips moving in time with yours and it’s making you a little dizzy. You really thought you knew this man inside and out, yet here he is surprising you again. 

Even more dizzying is the realization that you’re in so much deeper than you ever thought. It’s more than just caring about him, even though you do, probably more than you’ve ever really cared about a partner. It’s this inescapable feeling of being safe and on the edge at the same time. Knowing that if you fall, he’s going to catch you. It’s so glaringly obvious that you see why your friends were so insistent that you include him in the equation. 

Just when you think you might explode, Jungkook pulls apart from you and studies your face. His fingers graze along the skin at your waist, playing with the hem of your shirt. You nod and lift your hands up as he grips the hem to pull it over your head. His fingers are so light across your skin when he unclasps your bra and slides the straps away. 

Gentle. He’s so gentle. Like he’s telling you that it’s okay, that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. Like he’s not sure this is real. It is, though. As his lips move down your neck, you can’t help the sigh that escapes your lips. The trails his kisses down to your breast, slow and deliberate. The way his warm breath meets your skin makes you suck in a breath. 

He’s always been generous, always wanted to be exactly what you wanted, but this feels like even more than that. It feels like a side of him you should’ve known and yet didn’t quite. It feels like a last little bit of him that had been tucked away, just waiting. And that’s kind of exciting, to think that someone you thought you already knew completely can still surprise you like this. It makes all those hangups you thought you had about relationships seem insignificant.

And he’s getting a side of you that is a little different, too. There’s something about him that makes you needy, but it’s never been like this. All you want is more of him, more of everything he’s doing. You try to take advantage when he’s not anchoring you quite so steadily, roll your hips against his. While you’re rewarded with a low groan, he also puts a hand firmly back on your hip to keep you from doing it again.

“Please Jungkookie,” you whine, finally relenting. You will absolutely beg if it gets you what you want.

His eyes study you, so full of affection that you might combust. You don’t even realize he’s slid his hands under your ass until he’s standing up and you gasp. It’s just for a moment, though, so he can lay you back onto his bed. Almost immediately, you go to remove your pants and his hands are on yours, stopping you before you even get to the button. The next second, he’s pinning you down, one hand holding both of yours above your head, the other swiftly undoing your pants. If this is the way you go, a squirming mess beneath this beautiful man, it all might be worth it, honestly. 

Jungkook pulls himself back off of you so he can pull your pants down, taking your underwear along with them. Even though you’ve seen him get undressed more times than you can count, you still find yourself watching as he removes his own clothes. Eyes taking in the recently added color of his tattoos, the lines of his body, the way his muscles contract as he moves. 

He’s back almost on top of you, slightly offset so he doesn’t put too much weight on you, but it’s still a surprise to you when he starts kissing you again. You need something more, some sort of relief before you go insane. And you’re just about to beg for it when one of his fingers slides along your folds. So this is the game he’s playing, teasing you with just his fingers and making your back arch in response. You want to protest, want to tell him there’s plenty of time to go slow, but you just need now. With his lips so insistent on yours, though, that’s hard. 

Thankfully, Jungkook isn’t cruel. After running his finger along your entrance, collecting some of the wetness there, he slides a single finger inside you. It’s so slow, painfully slow, but it’s something. It’s a start to the relief that you need. Okay, maybe he is a little cruel. His finger slides in as slowly as his kisses, which are all languid motions. Any part of you that wants to fight back sinks into the mattress as he licks into your mouth. 

It’s honestly the most relaxed you’ve ever felt with someone like this. There’s a part of your brain that fights against that feeling for a second before you realize that it’s been there all along. This feeling of complete comfort and safety. You were just too caught up in the idea that it wasn’t that serious to realize Jungkook had made a home in your heart. Too caught up in your past bullshit to realize this person had carefully broken through every defense without you realizing it.

But, unfortunately, Jungkook is still kind of a shit. Through your moaning, he picks up the pace, something you immediately encourage. A chorus of nonsense mixed together with your appreciation. He had two fingers inside you and his thumb on your clit. All you feel is that you’re close, so close.

Until he stops. Just completely stills himself when you’re on the precipice. Ready to come on his fingers and body still wound tight.

“Not yet babe,” he says, eyes alight.

“I was so close,” you whine.

“I know,” he says, just confirming what a demon he is. He captures your next protest with a kiss and you tangle your hand in his hair without thinking. Anchor him to you. Take back some small, tiny bit of control.

It’s all too fast when he pulls away again and you recognize he’s looking for a condom. So you just tell him not to bother. You mostly haven’t been using one lately because you’re protected and you know both of you are clean. It’s something you’ve both talked about more than once. 

And thank fucking god he seems like he’s on the same page as you again because he doesn’t question it. Just abandons his search and presses his lips to yours again. You arch your back into him, chase his lips with your own. It should be embarrassing, the way you just need, except that it’s Jungkook and it’s not. It’s just…natural. The most natural thing in the world.

He does successfully pull away from your lips again, sparing a low, quiet chuckle for the way you immediately pout your lips at him. But then he’s lining himself up at your entrance, using just a little bit of lube along his shaft, and pressing the tip into you. Just like everything else, it’s slow. So slow as he pushes into you, buries his length inside of you and lets you adjust to him. Wants you to feel comfortable. But you’re always comfortable with him. 

The second that you try to move against him, Jungkook presses a hand to your hip, pins you down to the bed. There’s none of the usual wide-eyed wonder in his eyes when they lock onto yours, silently telling you that you need to stay in place. Be good. Somehow it makes you want to squirm even more. Instead you focus on the way the muscles in Jungkook’s arm that’s holding you down contract, focus on the furrow of his brow, focus on the lines of his chest.

You tentatively wrap your legs around him, wanting to change his angle and he moves his hand from your hip to balance himself over you. Somehow, even though this is not your preferred position, it feels…different, intimate in a way that usually scares you. You’re not scared, though. You’re only happy. Jungkook finally starts moving, too slow like everything else but at least it’s something. 

Without warning, he pulls almost all the way out and snaps back into you hard, a perfect contrast to the previous thrusts. He must anticipate your reaction, too, since he leans down to kiss you, capturing all your pleasure. So you do the only thing you can think of and drag your nails down Jungkook’s arms. Part of you hopes you’re leaving a mark so that everyone will know he’s yours. Wholly and completely. 

“Fuck,” Jungkook hisses.

“Do you like that?” you ask with all the innocence that you can muster. 

“Don’t play games with me,” is the only answer you get.

“Then please, Jungkook,” you beg and he slows, still moving but focusing on your words instead.

“Please what?” he questions.

“Please just fuck me,” you supply immediately. “We’ve got the rest of forever for slow, just fuck me. Show me that I’m yours.”

It’s what he’s been waiting for. That last little thing he needs to hear. There’s a split second where he looks at you full of that same love and affection you’re sure was on your face earlier before he switches back to pure want and lust. And fuck this is what you need. What you want. The only thing in the world for you.

Jungkook picks up his pace, thrusting hard into you as you grip yourself as tightly to him as you can. Arch into him to change the angle, tighten your thighs around his hips. Before you can move a hand to your clit, he’s there. His finger along with the speed of his thrusts has you back on the edge. Your entire body is hyper aware from the earlier orgasm denial. He knows it, too.

“Come on baby, I want you to come for me,” Jungkook urges.

“I’m so close, oh my god,” you say through a moan. “Yes, oh my god, Jungkook, yes!” 

“I wanna see you come undone,” he says, breaths getting ragged. “Fuck I’m close too.”

“Come for me then,” you whine.

“You first,” Jungkook says and thrusts even faster.

A few more thrusts and you’re cumming harder than you can remember in a while. Nothing coherent leaving your lips. Jungkook is just a few seconds behind you and you meet his thrusts through his own high. When he stills, he carefully drops himself down, half laying on you without putting his full weight on you either. Almost absentmindedly, you run your fingers up and down his arm, tracing the lines of your favorite tattoos, watching the way his body moves with each breath. 

Jungkook looks up at you and he’s the same man that you fell in love with without realizing it. Except now you can accept it for what it is. You see the love and care in his eyes when he looks at you, the same look everyone else has seen the whole time. It almost makes you shy. He leans up to plant the softest kiss of them all on your lips before he pulls out, the mix of both of your cum spilling out in the process. 

“We need to get cleaned up,” Jungkook chuckles. You can’t help but laugh along with him.

“Yeah, probably need a shower,” you agree. 

“Let me check if the coast is clear,” Jungkook says and gets out of bed to pull on some boxers. He disappears out the door and you hear him out in the living room before he’s appearing back in the doorway. He’s got a smirk when you look over at him.

“Busted?” you ask.

“Better, he says he won’t be back until after dinner at least,” Jungkook says.

“Okay, sometimes he’s not the worst,” you admit.

“So shower?” Jungkook asks hopefully.

“Jungkook, I am not fucking you in the shower, do you remember that one time we tried?” you ask and he’s all smiles.

“Can you blame me for trying?” he asks. You’re so hopelessly endeared that it’s actually a little sickening. You’re also about to answer when he hops back into bed nearly on top of you.

“Jungkook, we have to clean up,” you say through a laugh.

“I don’t care, I’m just happy,” he says.

And that’s just it, isn’t it? That one word perfectly sums up how you’re feeling, too. This, with him, is what happy feels like. The lightness in your chest is only further confirmation.

You shoot down shower sex again, suggesting that maybe you should just shower separately to avoid anything awkward. But that doesn’t stop the two of you rolling to the other side of the bed to continue kissing each other. Doesn’t stop the kisses getting deeper. Doesn’t stop Jungkook kissing down your body until he gets between your thighs. Doesn’t stop him from going down on you and making you come hard on his tongue. 

It’s probably good, you think as you’re heading off to actually shower, that Jungkook sends his roommate a text that he may not want to rush back. It should be embarrassing how quickly Mingyu says he’ll just be home in the morning. Or that he knows exactly what’s happening. All you can think about, though, is the overwhelming feelings for this man.

(Well, you try to shower and remind Jungkook that shower sex was a disaster. But with his roommate gone, that doesn’t stop him from bending you over the counter and fucking you. It also shouldn’t be hot but you love the way you can watch him in the mirror. In almost know time he’s pulling yet another orgasm out of you and you’re not even sure if you can stand in the shower.)

There’s a loud knock on the bedroom door seconds before a louder voice carries through it. “This is your 30-second warning, I hope you’re dressed.” 

He doesn’t even give you that amount of time before he’s opening the door. And it’s fine, because you have one of Jungkook’s t-shirts on and he’s got boxers on. So you’re at least partially dressed.

“Oh, you are dressed, that’s so boring,” Mingyu whines, throws in a pout for good measure. 

“Don’t be weird,” Jungkook says. 

“Pot, meet kettle,” Mingyu starts but has to dodge the pillow Jungkook throws. 

“Out,” Jungkook says. 

“Is that any way to talk to someone who’s making breakfast?” Mingyu chides. 

“Oooh you cooked?” you ask. 

“You never get that excited when I offer to cook,” Jungkook whines.

“Out of the honeymoon phase already?” Mingyu asks and pretends to grimace.

“Babe, you don’t know how to cook and you won’t let him teach you,” you respond. 

“Yes, I am cooking, we’re celebrating,” Mingyu says.

“Celebrating what?” Jungkook asks. 

“Someone finally getting her head out of her ass and realizing how amazing my roommate is,” Mingyu says and is out the door before you can hit him with a pillow. 

“Breakfast does sound good,” Jungkook says, a little shy.

“Okay, but then can we talk afterward?” you ask.

He nods. 

Breakfast is good, but it comes with a side of The Talk from Mingyu before you even get to eat. Jungkook wanted to shower quickly before eating, and that’s fine. You’ve been alone with Mingyu before when you’ve been over at their apartment. He tries to make it a serious talk, telling you that he’ll come after you if you ever hurt Jungkook. It’s just, well it’s a little hard to take him completely seriously with his threats when he’s like the personification of a golden retriever. You do mean it, though, when you say you’re in this for real, that you care deeply about Jungkook. That you know it’s been hell for the last while and you’re so sorry it took you this long to see what was there all along.

After breakfast, some of the best waffles you’ve ever had, Mingyu leaves to go see a friend of his. And you all know it’s at least in part to give you and Jungkook time to talk. Still, you appreciate that he’s giving you the space you need to sort this all out. 

“I don’t wanna pop this little bubble, but I think we have to talk about us,” you say when you and Jungkook are settled on the couch. 

“I’m not sure how much there is to talk about?” Jungkook admits. 

“Well, for starters, I need to know if you can actually forgive me,” you say. Jungkook opens his mouth, but you’re quick to continue, “and please really think about that, Jungkook.” 

“I mean it when I say that it was mostly fine. I knew what I was getting into almost from the beginning. It was obvious you had some shit to sort through,” Jungkook says after a moment. “And I felt like you were always honest with me about everything.”

“And the times it wasn’t fine?” you prompt. 

Jungkook takes a deep breath. “Yeah, those times kinda sucked. Like when you came home drunk that night after you talked to him and you called him Hobi.” 

“I was so happy to see you, I don’t even remember calling him that,” you say.

“I knew it didn’t mean anything, I assumed it was just a slip, but it hurt my heart for a minute thinking you were just going to fall back into step with him,” Jungkook says. 

“I can see that,” you acknowledge. “What about when I told you that I was going to go talk to him about whatever the feelings were?” 

“I was, well I don’t know, I wasn’t really sure. I really wanted to be there for you because you’re such an amazing person and I do want the best for you,” he says and you find yourself studying his face. Finding more expressions there than you’re used to seeing. 

“You just wanted to be the best for me,” you finish and he nods. 

“I know I should’ve just told you how I felt and asked you to stay. But, I don’t know, there was this part of me that thought if you didn’t at least talk to him…” Jungkook trails off, unsure how to finish the sentence. “There was a part of me that thought if I asked you to stay, and you did, we’d both be wondering with him like hanging over our heads.”

“Honestly, I don’t think I had the right to ask that of you, or to even expect it,” you say. “I never really let you know where I was at.”

“You did,” Jungkook says and that surprises you. “I could always tell. I knew what I meant to you and I was…I was a little scared, even knowing how much you liked me, to just ask for it to be more.” 

“I thought you didn’t want more either,” you nearly whisper.

“I didn’t, not when we met at least. I thought being with you would just be easy and casual and what we both needed,” Jungkook says with a chuckle.

“I don’t know that I’m easy,” you grimace.

“You are, what wasn’t easy was slowly falling for you. I’m not used to being the one falling first,” Jungkook says.

“I’m so sorry, Jungkook,” you say, “I would take it all back if I could.” 

“I wouldn’t,” Jungkook disagrees. “I think we both needed to go through that to get here.” 

“And this is somewhere you want to be? Here with me?” you ask, more honest than you’ve been in awhile. 

“Yeah, I do,” he says immediately. “You said I deserved to know I was someone’s first choice and you do too.” 

“I want you to know that I do realize I was unfair to you and that’s not something I want to ever do again,” you say carefully.

Jungkook takes one of your hands in his, always so thoughtful. “We all make choices we’d change if we could, but you chose to be here. You’re acknowledging it, so I think we can take that and move forward.” 

“I wanna be clear about where we are though,” you say.

“I’m sure you want to take it slow, this is all kind of new territory for us,” Jungkook says. 

“No, that’s not it,” you say and watch his face. “I mean, we can take it at whatever pace you want, I just mean I want to be clear. This is a relationship and I’m serious about it just being you and me. I don’t want there to be any confusion in defining it.”

“I don’t think there’s any confusion,” Jungkook laughs. “But yeah, I’m on board for that. We can figure out the rest of what a serious relationship looks like as we go.”

“Together?” you ask and he smiles your favorite smile. The one where his nose crinkles and you can see his slightly-too-big front teeth and his eyes seem to sparkle. 

“Always,” he says. 

thank you for reading and for sticking with me through this, i hope you enjoyed it <3

[sapphire11]

all the words you didn't mean for me to hear

Part 1 of 'Secret Messages' a Break up era Tarlos fic

Hey Everyone! I have decided to release this fic in 'mini' parts here on tumblr before releasing the whole thing on ao3. (mostly because I need some encouragement and validation despite not feeling ready to publish it yet there and you all have always been supportive) Think of this as a little gift for being wonderful followers/mutuals 💛

Tagging a couple of you who I know have been waiting for this fic, sorry if I miss you (let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for this fic or my Tarlos fics) @chaotictarlos @lightningboltreader

Carlos holds the plastic bag of personal effects tightly in his fist. His fingers are going stiff with how hard he’s been holding on to it since the nurse handed it to him after he signed all the required papers for being TK’s emergency contact. The shock of hearing that TK never took Carlos off his contact form has his mind whirling while his body remains frozen. 

“Did you know he kept me on as his contact?” Carlos turns towards Nancy with a raised brow. 

She shakes her head slowly, “I wouldn’t have needed to call you if I knew. The hospital would have. Doesn’t surprise me though.” 

He hums softly in reply, pulling out TK’s wallet from the bag and shoving it in his coat pocket, his phone follows, and then Carlos is pulling out his silver chain with the 252 medallion. It’s wrong to see it hanging loosely from his fingers, unattached to the person it belongs to. Since Carlos met TK he has seen the chain peeking out from underneath clothes, dangling from his unclothed chest, landing on Carlos’ own chest as they make love. He’s equated this item with TK for so long that holding it now is the most tangible reminder of just how bad this situation is.

It is also strange to be holding an essential piece of TK so long after their break up. He runs his thumb over the engraved pendant for a second before raising his arm and slipping the chain around his neck. As he settles it under his shirt the cold medal sits heavy against his heart. 

The chain is a constant reminder of all the things he’s lost and what he still stands to lose if TK doesn’t win his current life or death battle. Still the anger and irritation at being called to TK’s side after so many months of radio silence simmers just below the surface. Only kept at bay by the growing worry and sense of dread he feels the more he learns about TK’s situation. Hearing Nancy and Tommy recount resuscitating TK in the field was excruciating, and he almost tells them that he doesn’t need to know the details. Except this is TK, and he’s never stopped wanting to know every little thing about the other man. Even in the frustrating months that TK has forced them to be apart. 

Carlos sits in between Nancy and Tommy watching the hands on the clock opposite them tick steadily by. Every second feels like a blessing, every minute a curse. Finally, a nurse comes out to let him know that they need to perform some more tests and that visitors will be restricted for at least the next couple of hours. With a pointed look at all three of them still in uniform she urges them to go home, change clothes, grab what they’ll need if someone wants to stay the night. When she mentions staying the night she looks right at Carlos and he has to actively work not to flinch. He doesn’t have that right anymore, he shouldn’t have any rights. But TK kept him on as an emergency contact and no one can get ahold of Owen, so Carlos isn’t going anywhere. 

Which includes home. Thankfully Mitchell happily brings him his bag from his locker at the station and exchanges it for the keys to his patrol unit. He’ll have to find a way back to the station for his Camaro at some point, but that’s tomorrow’s problem, or maybe even the day after tomorrow. His favorite ED nurse lets him into the staff locker room for a quick shower and change into his civilian clothes. Feeling refreshed, but anxious to get back up to TK, Carlos quickly begins stuffing his uniform into his duffel bag until a thud catches his attention. 

Realizing TK’s phone has fallen face first onto the hard floor he lets out a soft curse followed by a silent plea that it’s not broken. He picks up the phone hitting the on button on the side. Breathing a sigh of relief as the screen flickers to life and no cracks appear. Just before he can shove it back into the safety of his pocket, a notification catches his attention. He knows he shouldn’t; he has no right, but he can’t deny his curiosity as to why TK is using an app to record messages when Carlos knows he never used to. He hesitates, then tries to guess what TK would have changed his password to after their break up. After two failed attempts he considers calling it fate that he can’t guess it, but on a whim he decides to try the old familiar code - 36320.

His heart does a funny flop in his chest, he swallows hard imagining of TK thinking about him every time he typed in Carlos’ unit number to unlock his phone. The home screen comes up and Carlos is able to click on the notification for the message. 

1 unsaved message - would you like to play and save now?

A solid minute debate follows. He really should just turn the phone off, but it’s possible the message could be lost then and he has no way of knowing if it’s important. It’s really not his place to listen to it though and he considers finding Nancy and asking her to listen to it instead, In the end fate decides for him as the phone flashes the warning for low battery and he has no choice, but to click yes, before the phone turns off on its own.

TK’s voice floats down the line and  finds Carlos’ breath catches in his throat. He holds it, not wanting the slightest sound to disrupt what might be his last chance at hearing the love of his life.  

Hey. This weather is crazy. I didn’t know it could get like this in Texas. You never told me it could get like this in Texas, always just making fun of me for hoarding hoodies. I’m really going to enjoy my hoodie today. 

Carlos listens to the message, taking in the easy going rhythm of TK’s voice. It seems like he’s talking to an old friend. Sharing an inside joke. Except if Carlos didn’t know better he’d say it was their inside joke, because he was forever teasing TK about his love of sweatshirts. While secretly hoping he’d be able to steal one from his side of the closet without TK noticing. In fact his brain had betrayed him with that very thought this morning upon waking up to the cold before he remembered that their closet existed no more. 

But I’m at work so I’ll keep this short. I’m sure it’s all hands on deck today and I just wanted to say, stay safe. Okay? 

The way TK’s voice has gone soft, quiet around the plea, a question raising at the end. It makes Carlos’ heart clench to hear TK directing those words, that tone, to anyone else. For someone else to be granted the parts of TK that were once saved for Carlos alone. It makes him wonder if he should even be here at all or if there is someone else out there that they need to call. Surely Nancy would know though. She’s not cruel, she would never call Carlos here if she knew that TK was seeing someone else. 

That's all. I know it’s a lame message, but I needed to say it. 

There are a lot of things that I need to say, but none of them are appropriate for a recording, so please just stay safe so that I hopefully get the chance sometime soon. Okay.

*alarm blares in the background* -Shit 

Bye Carlos.

Carlos’ heart freezes, stutters, then starts again at a rabbit pace. He has to have heard wrong right? There is no way that TK would be recording a message for Carlos nearly three months after their breakup. Carlos’ mind is just trying to protect itself. He can’t possibly have heard TK say his name. The phone beeps and he pulls it away from his ear to see the notification asking him if he’d like to save the message. Slamming his finger down on the ‘yes’ button and hitting play again with just as much veracity. Before he can even bring the phone back to his ear it beeps and the screen fades to black. 

It takes a physical effort not to hurl the damn thing into a wall, but instead he digs around for the power cord he carries in his bag before grabbing all his things and hurrying out to find an outlet. He finds himself back in the ICU waiting room, outlets conveniently lining the walls behind all the visitor chairs. It makes sense since this seems to be a place of perpetual waiting. Carlos ducks his head to avoid the look TK’s nurse shoots him as she steps back into the nurses’ station.  

He settles in, with the phone connected to the charging cord and watches as the little battery meter moves, up and down. A quick glance towards TK’s room reveals closed doors and pulled curtains, not allowing even the smallest glimpse of what might be occurring on the other side. Nervous anticipation of what waits for him on TK’s phone causes him to tap his foot against the ground anxiously, wringing his hands together. Finally after what feels like an appropriate amount of time has passed for the phone to be charged enough to turn on, he pushes the button. It is torture waiting as the screen lights up and cycles through the starting features and all the while TK’s voice echoes in his ears, ‘Bye, Carlos’, ringing until he well and truly believes it was a trick of his mind. 

Typing in the password is as disconcerting as the last time, and for the first time since the break up, and the long interminable months of silence, Carlos lets himself imagine a world in which TK missed him just as much as he missed TK. He lets himself imagine that his foolish pining wasn’t as unrequited as he always thought. Those thoughts only bring him more grief at the time that they’ve lost. Wasted really. 

As the phone finishes turning on he pauses to look at TK’s background. It’s a picture of Buttercup. Cute, but generic, not even some silly moment, and as much as TK loves that dog it feels kind of stale. By now he knows he’s stalling as he hesitates before clicking into the recorded messages app, closing it just as quickly. It was easy to tell himself last time that he was just trying to make sure TK didn’t lose whatever message he was trying to store. Now though, he is making a choice to dig into TK’s private world, somewhere that Carlos hasn’t had a place in for a long time. 

The desire to hear TK’s voice again, and to confirm or deny that he is indeed losing what little grip on reality he has, wins out. He opens the app. What he sees nearly makes him drop the phone. 

There is a single folder labeled with his name. The words For Carlos shining like a spotlight. 

With a shaking finger he opens the folder and for a long moment just stares at the screen, not able to comprehend what he’s seeing. His thumb rests absently against the surface of the phone before he shifts it to scroll back through the saved messages. There seems to be a lot, and when he hits the end, he scrolls slowly back, counting as he goes, all the way up to nineteen. 

The most recent one, the one he listened to earlier, is dated today, and suddenly he just has to know when TK started this. When he hits the end again, the date, October 26th, 2021, screams at him. That was only a week after TK left. Only two days after Carlos’ last failed attempt to contact him and communicate. Anger twists his stomach into knots thinking about how TK could somehow put into words a message for him, but he couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone and send him a text.

His fingers curl around the phone, knuckles turning white as he bows his head and tries to take a few steadying breaths. It’s not working nearly as well as he’d like as all of the emotions he has long thought he worked through in the three months since the break up come roaring right back to the surface. Prominent among them is anger. Anger at TK for running away so easily. Anger at himself for trying to give someone everything he had. Anger at the fire that started the downward spiral of the most important relationship Carlos has ever had. Anger is easy to hold on to. Sure it burns bright and the pain is sharp, but it also drowns out the fear and uncertainty that has clung to him like a cloak since Nancy’s words that ‘it wasn’t good’.

The thing about the fire of anger is that it doesn’t last long and it leaves damage behind. As the heat of the anger burns away, the ambient noises of the ICU fill in the raw gaps left open. The squeak of a nurse's shoes as she strides purposefully towards a room, the screech of a heart monitor echoing as a door is opened, the stifled crying of a loved one as they sink into a chair down the hall. All of them serve as a reminder of why he is here and why he needs to listen to those messages; he needs to know before it’s too late. He needs the truth and if he can’t get it directly from the man himself, then the messages he’s left, clearly intended for Carlos, are going to have to suffice.

Carlos hesitates one last time as he decides which order to listen to the messages in. In the end he realizes they’ll probably make the most sense chronologically, even if his heart is screaming at him about reliving his worst nightmare. He has to shake off the thought that the break up was his worst nightmare until a few hours ago when he saw TK lying lifeless in his hospital bed, a shell of himself. 

Opening the message dated for October 26th, and hitting the play button, TK’s voice echoes into the space of the ICU. With a jolt he pauses the recording. Suddenly aware that he doesn’t want anyone else to hear these. He wants, no needs, to keep TK’s private words and thoughts safely tucked away in his heart. It takes him a long minute to dig his headphones out of his bag and his foot is anxiously bouncing against the floor by the time he does. Needing to do something, to move, he stands up as he slips them in, only to be stopped short by the cord still connecting the phone to the wall. With a resigned sigh, he sinks back into the chair, shifting in an attempt to get more comfortable and shake off the strange feelings surfacing. 

Scrolling to the beginning of the message again, TK’s voice suddenly washes over him.

“Hey Carlos, it’s TK. 

Damn, this is weird. But my therapist keeps insisting that I can’t keep bottling everything up inside and since I hate writing, and you’ve seen my handwriting, well I guess this is the next best thing. 

The words are hesitant, the joke obviously forced. Carlos cringes at the mention of the therapist that TK had stopped seeing sometime. His brain catches on that thought and he pauses the recording as he tries to remember exactly when TK stopped seeing his therapist. He remembers an offhand remark or two about it before the fire. He is sure that TK went at least a couple of times while they were living with Owen though. In fact he distinctly remembers TK asking him if he’d like to go with. Mentioning how it might help to talk about everything that happened. 

Carlos had vehemently opposed the idea. He was fine. He didn’t need to talk about his feelings. It was great that it seemed to help TK, but it just wasn’t Carlos’ thing. Trying not to dwell on the what ifs of that situation he hits play again. 

I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say though. We never really got that far since I kind of shot her down every time she’s tried to suggest this. Everything’s still kinda a mess in my head too honestly. I’ve started therapy again, which I guess you probably already realized. My dad insisted. He could tell I’m not really doing well. I’m slipping, the world is grey again.

Shit. His head falls into his hands as he hears confirmation of one of his worries during their break up. 

Shit. No that’s not on you by the way. Crap I never want you to feel like you’re responsible for my decisions or feelings, because you’re not. They’re mine. But I’m not, well I’m not okay. Shit. I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this. Any of this. You never did. I’m just gonna ….”

The message cuts out and he sits there for a long moment, head cradles in his palms, tears building behind his eyes. He blinks rapidly to clear them, desperate to keep a hold on his emotions for as long as possible. When he thinks he’s okay, he plays the message again. Listening to the way TK’s words waver, the tremor that is clear in his voice. 

Something Carlos learned early on is that when TK gets talking, he has a way of just spitting out whatever words come to his brain first. Over time, Carlos had been able to pick out what words were most important by the inflection in TK’s voice. A pause before something that he was unsure of, a tremble when he was struggling to keep hold of his emotions, a quiet laugh that was more self-deprecating than actually happy.

He hears it all now. 

A pause before telling Carlos the world is grey, and Carlos is wondering if TK was remembering the first time he told him that too.

The tremble in TK’s voice as he tells Carlos that he isn’t responsible for TK’s decisions or feelings. As if that would make Carlos feel even an inch better that TK was clearly suffering. In this moment he wishes he had tried harder, hadn’t given up as quickly, forced TK to stop and talk, done anything really besides let his pride and anger drive him to giving up. 

Still the worst part of subtle undertones that make up TK Strand’s particular style of communication is the quiet laugh, more a breath of regret and self-loathing that he hears when TK tells him Carlos didn’t deserve ‘any of this’. That is the knife to his heart. Because he knows TK well enough to read between the lines. At that moment he was referring to himself. TK was fully convinced that he didn’t deserve Carlos and that he never had. 

After listening to the message three times he lets the silence engulf him. It’s been a long time since he truly reflected on his own feelings from the beginning of their break up. Mostly he remembers believing that TK would come back, until he didn’t. When that realization hit, he let the anger overcome the hurt in order to cope with his truth that TK must not want to be with him. Over time anger burned those feelings into TK just simply not loving him. 

He’s a little ashamed now to hear that TK was actively taking steps to better himself while Carlos really just pushed it all into a box and pretended there was nothing to fix. He wishes TK could see from his perspective how good that makes him, how beautiful it is to keep fighting even when it’d be easier to just give up. 

The longer he sits on the uncomfortable hospital chair, the more all of his emotions are mixing into one big mess inside his head. He is still angry. He thinks he deserves that right. After all, TK could have called him, could have texted him, could have sent him that frickin’ message when he made it. Any of those options would have been better in Carlos’ mind than the continued radio silence that lasted for nearly three months. 

He also feels guilty. After they yelled and TK walked out Carlos couldn’t understand what TK was so upset about. However, over time he begrudgingly came to admit, if only to himself, that making such a big decision on TK’s behalf wasn’t the best thing he’s ever done. If he is honest with himself, he was also way too proud to ever reach out to TK and say that to him.

As Carlos lifts his head and looks to the ceiling, stretching stiff muscles in his neck, all those emotions give way for grief. Grief for the relationship that they had both let go of. Grief for the pain that they had both suffered. Grief for the future that was more uncertain for them now than yesterday. His head thunks back against the wall behind him and he closes his eyes. TK’s voice still echoes in his ears, but suddenly he needs more. 

He lifts the phone until he can see the screen and notes the date of the next message, October 28th. The familiar burn of anger returns that TK could have had so much to say to him then, but couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone and actually say it to him. There is nothing he can do now except hit play and hope to find some answers. 

“I talked to Doctor Matterson. She told me that it’s okay to start smaller with these messages. That I don’t have to get into my emotions about what happened right away. That explaining them out loud isn’t necessarily important for this. We’re of course still working on that. But she said for this I should just talk without pressure.

Carlos scoffs, TK avoiding difficult situations is not necessarily anything new, but he had thought they were past the stage of their relationship where he was the difficult situation. Thought that was left somewhere in the ashes of their old house. Although, maybe it was really the stability of their relationship that burned that day. 

So, hi. It’s Thursday.  

Despite himself, he laughs, TK has never sounded this awkward before. Always so self assured, confident. Except he realizes with a start that’s not always true. The times TK opened up and really let himself be exposed there was always a hesitancy that seemed so uncharacteristic of TK.

Cap, Nancy and I are still working at Paragon. It’s nice to be able to stay together. Especially with the rest of the 126 split up and with them not having room for more paramedics. Plus the pay is still good. 

God damn pay. He never cared about the money. 

I’m going to keep living with dad for a while. Save some money. See if I can’t fix my mistakes before. — Ha I don’t know what I was going to say before. They’ve already cost me everything. 

Anyways. I hope you’re doing well. Bye.

The familiar feeling of exasperation over TK’s single minded focus on what Carlos didn’t consider an issue. He wants to take TK’s shoulders and shake some sense into him. He wants the chance to tell him it was never about the money. He also wishes TK had given Carlos the chance to show him that his mistakes didn't have to cost him anything. 

Now both their mistakes may have cost them the most important thing. 

Time.  

Without wasting any more time he hits play on the next message dated October 30th. Nothing plays for a long minute and he actually lifts his head from where it’s still resting against the wall to check and make sure the message is indeed playing. It is and it’s almost thirty seconds in with nothing yet. Almost convinced that this was an accidental recording he goes to fast forward just as TK’s voice starts. 

Hey Carlos. So I don’t really have anything to tell you. I’m on the tail-end of my forty-eight hours off before we start a twenty-four hour shift tomorrow. 

The soft, breathy quality of TK’s voice betrays his exhaustion even through a message and Carlos would swear that TK was just coming off of a forty-eight hour not the other way around. Carlos hasn’t slept well since the break up himself. He’s just about gotten used to the way his bed still feels too big and how there are too many pillows for one person. He’ll never get used to the way the mattress, just this side too soft for Carlos' own preferences, engulfs him every time he lays down. He’d bought it on a whim, needing something to sleep on, believing that TK would come back, and remembering the way his lovingly, annoyable boyfriend complained about how hard Carlos’ old firm mattress was. 

Lost in his thoughts he misses most of the message until his brain picks up on the change in tone, so much self-loathing coating every word. 

I don’t really know. But I think you deserve that at least. I think I'm just too scared to have you confirm that it's over, that you're done dealing with my bullshit. Anyways. 

He sits for a full minute before realizing that he’s reached the end of the message. Wondering what he missed, because certainly that can’t be all TK had to say, he hits play again. Waiting through the deafening silence for TK’s voice. 

Hey Carlos. So I don’t really have anything to tell you. I’m on the tail-end of my forty-eight hours off before we start a twenty-four hour shift tomorrow. I’m lonely. It’s weird there are still three of us at dad’s house, but Mateo’s been working longer hours. Dad’s been busy trying to save the 126 and even when he’s here, he isn’t really here. He makes an effort for me, but I can tell he is struggling.

Anyway, all that to say that I really just miss you.

I almost called you yesterday, until I realized I had no idea what I’d say. And I’m also not sure I’m ready for your anger. Justified or not. I really wish I was brave enough, because I think I’ve finally realized that I’m not really angry about the loft and that I could probably talk instead of running. Maybe…. I don’t really know. But I think you deserve that at least. I think I'm just too scared to have you confirm that it's over, that you're done dealing with my bullshit. Anyways. 

The silence at the end catches him off guard again. There are too many thoughts floating through his head from what TK says for him to pick one to focus on. It’s a cycle through thoughts about Owen being an absentee parent, again, TK being lonely, but refusing to reach out, and fear being the root of a lot of their problems. 

As he’s mulling over that thought he spots the nurse from earlier making her way over to him. He pulls out his headphones and stands just as she reaches him.

“The doctor is done with tests for now if you’d like to go sit with him.” 

He wrings his hands around TK’s phone, “Yes- yes, I’d like that.” Somehow he manages to get the words out and the nurse smiles softly at him before placing a gentle hand on his elbow to guide him into TK’s room. The sight that greets him almost brings him to his knees. Despite having caught a few glimpses of TK across the hall before, being up close is a different experience entirely. 

The ventilator is the dominating feature of the room, taking up physical space and creating an echoing sound that drowns out everything else. “I’ll be back to check on him in a bit.” The nurse says from somewhere over his shoulder as he remains motionless just inside the doorway. It takes several agonizing moments before he has control of himself enough to make it to one of the chairs positioned next to TK’s bedside. Sinking into the uncomfortable seat just far enough away to be considered ‘distant’, he takes in TK’s features. His face is slack, skin a sunken, sallow, colorless mask. 

The urge to touch runs along his arm to his fingertips and his hand briefly lifts before dropping heavily with the knowledge that he doesn’t have the right to touch without asking anymore. It hurts his heart, knowing how tactile a person TK is, and how much comfort touch usually brings him, but he can’t break that last barrier of trust that exists. Instead he settles back into the chair, leaning away slightly from TK and pulling out his headphones again. The app is still open when he taps the screen awake and his finger hovers over the next message for a long moment. When he finally is able to press the button again he wishes he hadn’t.

Hey babe … shit. Let me just …. *background noises, buttons being pressed rustling … *

Hey Carlos.

Carlos can’t slam the pause button fast enough as he shoots out of his chair and moves to pace along the wall as far away from the body in the bed as he can. Hearing the accidental slip up of TK’s voice calling him the well worn nickname that Carlos secretly loved is too much to bear as the man he loves lies nearly lifeless in his hospital bed. Because yes, Carlos still loves TK, just as much as the day he walked away and listening to this message here and now feels a little too much like an omen that he’ll never hear the real thing again. It feels like all he’ll ever have are these recorded words and the sound of TK’s voice, slightly distorted floating into his ears. 

It is a reminder that there is a real possibility that he will never hear that voice, light with teasing, whispering in his ear. Or that voice muffled with sleep as they wake up together and greet another day as the team they always said they were. Or that voice thick with emotion as TK tells him how much he loves him, because TK took every opportunity to make sure he knew his love. Hell he’d even take that voice yelling in anger again if it meant TK standing whole and alive in front of him. It’s all too much and he can’t even look at TK as he rushes out of the room nearly bowling Nancy over as she enters.

“Whoa bud, everything okay?” Nancy stops him with her hands on his shoulders as she peeks around him to take in TK’s form on the bed. When she focuses her gaze back on him he’s been able to school his features back into what he thinks resembles a controlled mask of professionalism. Feeling tucked away, hidden in the deepest parts of himself. Nancy tilts her head as she takes him in, “give me a second with him.” She gestures behind him and he takes advantage of her letting go of his shoulder to step out of the embrace. A small nod in acknowledgement of her words is all he can offer her and without the slightest glance back into the room he slides past.

He’s back on the same chair as before, knee bouncing frantically when Captain Vega enters the ICU. Her gaze is drawn first to the room that TK’s in, but she quickly turns towards him and makes her way over. It’s like a shock to his system as he stands, awkwardly accepting the hug she offers. No words are exchanged, as they settled back into their seats. Nancy joins them a minute later, hand immediately resting on his thigh as she settles on his side opposite Captain Vega.

“Has the doctor been by with an update?” 

There’s a moment’s pause before Carlos realizes with a start that the question was directed at him. If asked he couldn’t even say who it came from, so he glances up, and then back and forth. 

“No,” he offers quietly. 

No more questions are asked. They just sit there silently, shifting every few moments, flexing arms, stretching legs, occasionally giving touches of support, comfort. He barely registers any of it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, his mother’s voice screams at him for abandoning his manners. He should ask them something. Provide them comfort. These are two of the most important people in TK’s life. Two people that he knows highly regard TK, call him their friend, and here he is just an ex, without a claim in the world to the man dying in that bed and he can’t pull himself out of it long enough to say or do anything at all. 

Thankfully they’re not kept waiting long before a doctor is approaching them. Carlos watches her approach and holds his breath. He’s good at reading people, has to be for his job, and all he sees now is regret and compassion. This is a person ready to give condolences that he doesn’t want to hear.

[thelustybraavosimaid]

I checked Jacko's post, thank you. The part that always catches my attention is not only how much he reinforces this connection. He also tries to maximize the tension of their reunion to make it an even more cathartic and profound event for both characters. He uses two characters (Alys and Jeyne) to represent Arya and make Jon more desperate at the possibility of not finding her 👀

Jon is physically sick during ADWD, like Ned's head had just rolled out of the letter. He genuinely gets depressed. Mel recognizes this despair and sadness in him and warns Jon that it is a powerful weapon for the enemy. He becomes blind to the knives in the dark. Even on Alys' wedding day, Jon looks at her and sees Arya's smile just when he notices a crown made of snow on her head. And still George has this connection continue to build and build and for what?

The relationship between these two just blows my mind. Because there is no need for metas, foreshadowing. It's a relationship that exists on its own and has been battling major plots since ever. It is explicitly powerful. From a narrative point of view, no relationship in asoiaf is treated like this and why.

Why should we pay so much attention to them?

You are very welcome!

YES. The tension is part of why their reunion is so desperately wanted by the fandom. Who are they now? How much have their experiences changed them as characters?

There has to be a paradigm shift, a newfound deep evaluation of their relationship because the narrative demands it. George himself says that because of what she's endured that Arya is older than some of the forty-year-olds in the books. He has Jon question if he'd know what she'd look like and if he'd know her. He has Arya think that Jon has to call her something else because she's not little anymore.

Even despite these questions they have for one another, they still are first and foremost in each other's minds. Like you said, at the prospect of being unable to help her, he feels guilty, he feels as old as a sixty-year-old man. He becomes reckless — in his mind — when he equates sending Mance and the six spearwives south as "setting them loose on the North." But when he hears she's at the Wall, he feels young again.

This question of why George built up their relationship in the narrative the way he had is exactly why I ship Jonrya in the first place. There really is no need to make them this unique in the series. We as readers are constantly being bashed over the head with how much they love each other, but it's on such a different level, especially when you compare the love they have with what they have for their siblings, that I found it so strange on my first read.

Nothing else can come close.

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Random thoughts about 6x13 before we can move on with life again

OMG. That whole episode was chaotic perfection!!! I really love those "filler episodes" that are just wacky calls, mingled with some domestic firefam shenanigan, a lot of Buddie goodness, and some heartfelt drama. Like, girls (gn), we've been FED this whole episode.

Here a not at all ordered assembly of what was going through my mind, watching the episode:

Human Calculator Evan Buckley

I do hope Buck gets to keep his math skillz a while longer. And I'd really love to see it come in useful on a more serious call, too? But oh well, a fangirl can dream. Chimney asking if he did math "in his head???" was sending me. Just like Eddie's facial journeys during the math homework scene. Like, he's such a muppet.

On a more serious note, I wonder what they are going to do with that, moving forward. They laid on pretty heavy with the whole theme of figuring out the equation (hence answers in life), missing the assignment, and how Buck's skills may only be temporary. So it might be that he'll lose his way again (the same way his math skillz may leave again). We'll have to see. But it's... intriguing.

Babytrap and Sugarbaby

Like seriously. They stole this straight out of fanfic, I'm not even kidding. Eddie is babytrapping Buck so hard, only to start hustling together with him, and Buck happily handing over the money. Eddie Diaz, I'm in your walls.

Love to see Eddie being like: I will use your abilities, for evil. This guy (affectionate).

For real, though. What is the point of all that if not to give those two a nudge in the right direction (aka each other's muscly arms and taut tummies)? Eddie taking out Buck for poker dates... Them doing crime together... Them doing homework over at Buck's apartment... Buck being alone with Christopher to make cookies for school??? What is even happening??? And what's the point if not the BUDDIE AGENDA???

Also, Eddie Diaz, wear some sunglasses, your hearteyes are showing. Geez, wear some protection, you freak.

The Man with the Answers

Speaking of which, Buck's journey this season has now taken him to the stage where he feels like he is the one having the answers he's been seeking for so very long. He began this season, reading self-help books and asking e.g. Hen for the right answers. After his coma dream, Buck figured out some things about himself. He learned to appreciate his inherent value and could let go of the ghost of Daniel haunting him ever since that revelation.

Which is to say: They're moving the chess pieces in the right position, for the strategy to fully unfold. And I do believe it is the Buddie Agenda, I do.

I think a big hint was Eddie telling Christopher that the point of doing the homework himself instead of letting Buck run the calculations is that this is what's for Buck in store as well. Buck will only truly learn and get those life lessons he's so desperately seeking if he's the one to find the answers. He can't rely on self-help books or the opinions of others. He has to figure out that equation entirely on his own. He has to figure himself out.

Details that pointed me in a similar direction:

Buck telling Eddie why he didn't just get more gas: Because figuring it out was "more fun". AKA the getting to the destination is actually the goal. Buck is already where he needs/wants to be.

Eddie pointing out that those "superpowers" aren't permanent: Which may indicate that Buck will find himself struggling further down the road. Once he doesn't have the answers anymore (or rather, has them, but doesn't know how to act upon them).

Buck asking Eddie if he thinks Buck knew math all along (which is why it's actually no secret superpower via lightning ex machina): Because yes, Buck, you knew all along how to solve the equation, you're just running the wrong calculations right now. But I have faith in you that you will figure it out. Maybe just use a different measuring system!

Christopher pointing out that Buck may get more superpowers the stronger he gets: Which may be the big hint that Buck can have so much more than he currently has (more powers), the moment he understands that he already has these things (the family unit with Eddie and Christopher). He just has to claim his winnings.

I tend to believe the upshot is going to be that Buck has the answers, he just didn't put them together yet. It's like he has all the puzzle pieces, but he has to stick them together to see the grander picture (the secret ingredient). And my guess would be that it's going to be the resolution of the sperm donor storyline as well. He's looking right at the solution, and yes, it's Eddie and Christopher. And it has been all along.

The Sperm Donor Storyline(s)

Speaking of which YET AGAIN, I do find it interesting that we got this donor parallel (or antithesis) with Nathaniel and Denny vs. Buck and Kameron's and Connor's baby. Like, they now established that Nathaniel will get to play some role in Denny's life, because that is what Denny wants.

Which makes it hard for me to believe that the writers will choose the same route for Buck, also for the plain reason that they seemingly put Buck and Connor on different trajectories. Whereas Hen and Karen had an agreement with Nathaniel to keep his distance, Connor keeps sending sonograms and what not. He involves Buck actively in this whole "process" or "experience", which makes for an entirely different premise of how they are going to negotiate Buck's future role in Connor's life as well as that of Kameron and the child.

Which is something I honestly didn't see coming, I'll admit. I figured they'd take the route that him and Kameron would rather try to push Buck away (while he'd try to push into their lives). Because they chose someone as their donor who's not as much part of their social circle as Buck may have been, back when he and Connor were still roommates. The point being: I thought the storyline was going to be that Buck has to (painfully) accept Connor and Kameron having chosen him as the donor also because he'd be "easier to cut out of" their lives (and that of their child by extension). But that's not the route they are taking thus far.

But in the light of how they chose to have Nathaniel interact with Denny, I guess it makes sense. Because that'd be repetitive, in a way. Which isn't to say that Buck won't overstep and try to insert himself more into their lives than he should. I actually believe he will (it's been foreshadowed with the baby cozy and all). But Connor actively involving him thus far gives me a different vibe from what I'd previously estimated.

I'm interested to see whether they wish to explore how hard they make it on themselves, by Connor having Buck be that invested. Even though the reality is that Buck's always going to be donor not dad for that child. Like, I see great potential there. Just like I see potential character development for Connor, say, in a scenario where he feels like he's not the child's dad or so. And how he may come to struggle with that (or may even project that on Buck). There are many paths this could go.

But to turn this back to Buck here, the Nathaniel-Denny-storyline fits in so damn neatly. And I personally hope we get that kind of antithesis by the end of the season (because I'd find that very neat storytelling, is all). Namely, that Buck will do the opposite thing and extract himself from the child's life, having finally solved the equation that his family equals NOT Buck + baby but Buck + Eddie + Christopher. Because that is the stark contrast with Nathaniel. He doesn't have the family Buck already has. So that'd be the kind of bittersweet finale to that storyline I'd love to see, personally.

The Wilsons and Nathaniel

I still love to see the show standing true to exploring the different shapes family can take, now also by adding Nathaniel to the mix, portraying the tough reality that comes with this. It felt very real to me, how anxious Hen and Karen were that their son was slipping away from them.

I also liked to see Nathaniel owning up to his actions (albeit belatedly) and apologizing for his irresponsibility, without demonizing him. That guy feels very alone in this world, it'd seem, and to seek out that connection with Denny... It felt very human. So I loved to see them making it out to be just that, people making mistakes, but those mistakes being motivated by love.

And I LOVED to see Toni's growth as a character. Like, she's really trying to be there for her family, she serves as the messenger between Denny and his moms. And now she's seemingly also part of the rules Hen and Karen are setting for Nathaniel and Denny to safely interact. I love to see her safeguarding her family by opening up conversation and accepting people for who they are and how they feel. LOVE TO SEE IT. LOVE IT.

Also, loved how the Wilson family seemed to visually match, when they went to see Nathaniel at the hospital. Like, we saw a lot of yellows and blues, which signified to me that they were being there as a unit. Which tells me they're gonna be alright. Or as Toni said, they just need to figure out the right way.

Chimney's Journey to Healing

First of all, loved to see his interaction with Denny and with Hen. He's such a supportive uncle and friend (note: VERY different from what we see Buck and Christopher doing this whole episode, coz Buck ain't his uncle!!!). Like, I loved to see how he showed understanding for Denny and even let on about his own troubled feelings about his father. Even though that must still be heavy on his mind.

I do find it interesting that Chimney and the Buckley children seem to follow the same path: Which is not to forgive their parents, but to choose to let that anger/grief not control their lives anymore. Chimney has a family of his own and it's wonderful. So him coming to terms with his troubled relationship with his father in an effort to embrace the future he has as a family father is great for him. I do hope it pans out like that.

It also shows how the next generations (Chimney, Maddie, Buck) try not to repeat their parents' mistakes by holding on to e.g. grief but to choose to move on and embrace the future instead. Like, Chimney recognizes his father's humanity, well aware that this man's not changed one bit and did the terrible things he did and still does not see his son for what his son sees him (a fallible human being)... it highlights the long way Chimney's come and the great person he's become. And that's owed to the family he's found and his own strong character.

Like, I love to see that we get different versions of breaking vicious cycles.

With Eddie and Ramon, they seem to take a different route, in that Ramon seems to show genuine interest in reconnecting with Eddie, trying to find a better way for them to be father and son again.

With Toni and Hen, we see a similar thing. They reached a level of healing. Also, in that, Toni is stepping in and actively supporting her daughter and her family.

But then we still got those absentee parents who are seemingly never going to get past themselves. Which I feel is... very real in that way? You will have those people in your life. Some of them may even want to change, but they can't, past a certain point. And buying your son a new couch won't mend that relationship because you still haven't taken full accountability for what you've done in the past. Showing up to one family dinner (and being an absolute pest about it) is not going to mend things either. That's as much the reality of troubled family relationships as are the examples where there is a moving forward, together.

3 Minutes and 17 Seconds

That one's still sending me across the universe, right into a black hole. Like, they are nudging Eddie and Buck in a certain direction, but neither one is seemingly ready yet to solve the equation. Eddie knows down to the second how long he lived in a world where Buck was dead. And he feels the need to point that out, unprompted.

I honestly thought they'd have Captain Mehta point back to the shooting regarding the matter. But again, I guess timing is of the essence (maybe also signified by Buck's and Eddie's fancy watches). But after they were told that Eddie was welcome back without Buck as his human calculator, maybe we will see a second poker scene to get us there?

Like, there is something very purposeful about bringing the actor for Captain Mehta back after he left acting, really. You wouldn't do that if it didn't serve a purpose, right? And up until now, I haven't seen it. So maybe Eddie will play poker without Buck. And then Captain Mehta will say something about the shooting that either we as the audience don't know yet (e.g. Eddie lied to Buck about how little he remembers and he's only ever shared that in the poker family) or Eddie doesn't know (what Buck was like after he got shot, something that Captain Mehta witnessed first-hand).

Performance Anxiety Underway

Something that struck me was that Buck was, on the one hand, rather confident in his abilities that he started to hustle with Eddie. On the other hand, he seems very unsure about them (and what they may mean, or if they're meant to stay, or if they've been there all along). It gave me similar vibes to Buck being unsure if something's wrong with him, when the doctors did more and more tests, without telling him what may be wrong with him.

We got a hint in the previous episode that Buck still has a way ahead of him in dealing with his trauma. Right now, he is more caught up in those "new sensations", and doesn't know how to move on with his life. At the poker table, I also had a feeling that there were those moments when he wasn't just confused (as he often tends to be) or putting on a poker face. I felt like he feels out of place in a way, like he doesn't yet know what to do with his abilities/with his life, after this event. He is still doing lists to be sure he's back to reality (back to life), after all.

Deep-down, Buck is immensely insecure. And the moment he felt like something he used to be confident about (his abilities to sexually please his partners) may actually hit closer to home than just... you know, ego. They played it for laughs, having him call the women he's slept with. But they might actually turn this around to be something more serious (i.e. a symptom for something else).

Like, Buck is hellbent on pleasing other people, so potentially not being satisfactory in bed may just be the kind of performance anxiety we may see in the next episode. It ties in with Buck's previous fear that his donation isn't good enough, so he spends weeks being horny and hangry thanks to green smoothies.

If I remember correctly from some of the interviews, Buck has no intention to dip his toes back into the dating pool and will basically have the shutters on for now... Which makes it unlikely for me that he's gonna start sleeping around, to be sure that he's good at sex after all.

But if it wasn't just for laughs, I could see the theme of "having the answers already" coming back into play here. Though I'm not sure how. There's just something to that theme of Buck needing his body to be functional, and how it may give him serious anxiety, feeling like his body isn't doing what it's supposed to do (or rather, what he always believed his body was supposed to do).

On a side note: Buck telling Christopher that he likes to measure everything to feel like an actual chef hit a similar mark to me. Like, Buck is overthinking things, which may make him miss the assignment for now. Buck seemingly feels like he's only pretending at things right now (which may feed into his insecurities, really), or like he has to seize control (measuring things, calculating everything, doing those lists, and texting Bobby). Like. There is something there. I just can't wrap my wee head around it just yet.

So yeah, I can very well see Buck continuing to have performance anxiety. And I'd love to see more of that, in all of its awkward facets.

Healing Starts in the Kitchen

Kitchens continue to be the places to be for meaningful conversations for characters, and it seems to be back in full swing for Buck and Eddie. Last episode, Buck found himself finally relax when he was at Eddie's (and on Eddie's couch, hopefully soon just on Eddie). The conversation with Eddie in the kitchen definitely helped him in some ways, but the road ahead of him is still long.

It's an interesting choice that we continue to see Eddie, Buck, and Christopher being this domestic in the kitchen/at dinner tables. Like, we started out this season with Bobby's infamous lasagna and Boggle, and now we're here for math and popcorn and more math and cookies.

Others have already pointed this out, but Buck learns to express his care by cooking for his loved ones (contrast that with takeaway for his parents and waffles for Taylor at a point in their relationship where they were basically done for already). So having him repeatedly cook for/with Christopher and Eddie is just SUCH a big thing, I believe. We're shown that Buck's not just the uncle to come pick Christopher up when Eddie's car's broke. He is alone with Christopher, baking cookies for school with him. He is not just a donor, not just legal guardian (AKA the backup plan) here. And I do believe that part of Buck's journey is going to be to figure out that part of the equation.

We've already established in previous seasons that Buck's apartment is a safe space for Christopher, and it continues to be a second home for him. In the same way Eddie's house proves to be the same for Buck (as we were reminded last episode). Which has me think that part of the equation for Buck is to fully embrace that, or rather, see it for what it is, namely his path to happiness that's been there all along.

Honorable Mentions

Here's a list of things that was sending me:

Everyone of the firefam is a himbo, except for Athena and Karen. Which drives the point home that they're the only ones with the brain cell. Like honestly, Bobby and Chimney instantly jumping on detective work like that??? Buck calling his past sexual encounters??? They're all himbos, your honor!

Denny, take your damn shoes off when you are in bed, you little punk!!! Your moms raised you better than that!!!

Hen at the hospital being like "My husband? The heterosexual audacity!" was everything.

Buck continuing to creep people out with random knowledge now fueled by the power of math. We stan a himbo icon.

Eddie interrupting Buck thinking about women he's had sex with, like "I did not take you out to sexy poker night for you to use your brain for that right now, you traitor!"

I guess RIP to a favorite headcanon of mine that Buck's gonna blurt out at some point that he's screwed with plenty of guys in the past. Because he specifically started to think about the women he's slept with, though the guy was talking about partners (gn), I believe. If the writers wanted to keep that door open, I guess he would've said people or partners or whatever, too. But I shall keep it for fanfiction purposes forever and always. Because that scenario is always sending me places.

Chimney asking if Buck did math, in his head??? No, Chimney, he did it in yours, now get the hell out of here.

Buck calling the women he's had sex with... oh, those phone bills. Also: We stan a himbo icon yet again.

Buck and Eddie, doing crime, dressed in blue and red, looking damn fine. I'm here for every damn second of it.

Christopher's sass being back in full swing. We stan the one true icon.

So yeah, that's it. For now anyway. I guess I'll ramble a lot more. But I rest easy in the knowledge that Buck and Eddie marrying in Vegas just became a possibility.

Cheers!

[just-mebs]

I' ve seen you mention the trans fetish thing a few times now can you fill a guy in por favor

I'm feeling fairly violent recently so I'll bite. The guy has me blocked and if any of his friends wanna come around again then they can choke for all I care [under the cut bc this got long]

About 2 (??) years ago when I was more active in the tf2 fandom, I made a lot of SFMs and posted them regularly. At some point I started making nsft ones and posting them on twitter where I would promote them here since I had 0 followers on twitter at the time.

Things started to go down after i posted my second one - read that again: my SECOND one. It was a DemoSpy piece where Spy was depicted as a trans man. (The first one, by the way, was a HeavyScout where you couldn't even see Scout's junk so its not like I was making/posting copious amounts of these or that I was only making trans porn).

So yeah. I make the DemoSpy piece. I share it here but in order to see it you had to go to twitter to see the full image. A few people reblogged it but nothing crazy. After a few days I got a message from someone saying that [blog] was posting about me and calling me a trans fetishist.

Now, I had been a follower of [blog] for a while at this point. Never interacted beyond reblogging/liking some posts but I was a fan for the most part, so I was a bit upset by this so I reached out to them because I didn't understand what was happening/why they would say that considering we had NEVER talked at that point.

Like how can you look at ONE (1) image depicting a character as trans and just assume that the artist - WHO IS OPENLY A TRANS GUY HIMSELF - is a FETISHIST. Like WOOO baby I don't know how to tell you this but you have so much internalized transphobia lets make that clear.

And to be clear: if he just didn't like seeing that kind of content that was fair. I believe in blocking generously. What I DON'T believe in is calling someone stuff like just because you don't like their content.

Anyway, so I talked to him. He doubled down on me being a fetishist because I (a trans guy) made Spy a trans guy and a bottom.

(I'm also a bottom ??? Which you guys don't need to know but also its like ?? So am I fethisizing myself beucase I'm both a trans guy AND a bottom??? Like there is 0 actual thought here. If you equate being a bottom to being "the girl" you're actually just both homophobic and transphobic)

I got really upset (who wouldn't), though mostly because for ME depicting characters I love as being like me actually made me love my body for the first time since I transitioned so now all that self-love I was feeling was dead and I haven't recovered despite this being 2 years ago <33

Trying to wrap this up: I ended up purging all/most of my posts and wiping my twit because I was so overwhelming and made to feel disgusting. A few people that were [blog]'s friends started harassing me over everything and I made a post on twitter saying that I wasn't going to post anymore and someone from there decided to come here and send [blog] a bunch of hate (I genuinely don't know who it was and no one I asked owned up to it but now thinking about it I think I know who it was and I don't associate with that person anymore so eh) which only made me get a bunch more harassment.

Anyway I blocked him and all of his friends that I knew and this was essentially the beginning of the end of me being in the TF2 fandom </3 everyday I wish ill will towards him and everyone associated with him <333

obv I'm not going to share his @ but if you know who I'm talking about leave him alone he's literally not worth the effort.