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fuwungi · 1 year

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Alright so! Here’s the updates on what’s been going on! I was going to put it under a read more/cut thing but I can’t seem to figure that out on mobile so just general tw for mental health talk, trauma, etc

This isn’t going to exactly be linear or anything either cuz my minds just been all over the place but I haven’t been doing good. Haven’t been for a while. I’ve been working on getting help for years now and im thankfully seeing my therapist on the 8th and hoping this one actually stays (cuz my last trauma therapist ghosted me). I got a psych evaluation before hand that took a bit and got diagnosed with severe ptsd and bpd and also paranoid schizophrenia. I never really took my mental health seriously or as seriously as I should becuz for years I was so used to hearing from family and etc that it’s nothing, im just over thinking, “everybody does that” but it’s clearly not the case.

Everything started getting much worse in January, my health started dipping again. I had someone I considered a close friend abandon me and hurt me. Eventually my job I had pretty much set me up to be fired, me and others have considered it’s due to the fact I disclosed my diagnosis cuz it didn’t take long after for me to be fired. And what I was fired for was literally doing exactly what one of the managers told me to do. The next day I had an ex friend blow up at me and trigger my paranoia severely. And after that my abuser outted me and tried to spread harmful lies and misinfo in an attempt to I guess have me run off the internet. A little while after the shop I was apprenticing at also dropped me for my diagnosis but not until the spent a couple weeks straight up ghosting me and ignoring me for hours when I came in (I would come in to practice and work and all of my stuff was moved without telling me, and I also still don’t have any of my stuff back, and nobody would say a word to me or even look at me hardly. And after hours of waiting o would just eventually go home, which was also frustrating cuz I would have the person I’m about to practice on with me waking too. I reached out with messages abt things but was always just left on read.)

All of this just made things worse. I haven’t been able to significantly leave my house for a couple months now ( I say that cuz I still hype myself up to do smaller things like run out to pick up my meds, etc. but if there’s a way around physically doing said thing like ordering groceries, etc I take that). Outside of that I was already having a hard time getting myself to be social or talk to anyone. I haven’t really been talking to anyone or very active since 2020 (which I’m still working on fixing cuz it’s not that I don’t want to talk or anything, I want to so badly, I just really feel like I’m unable to do it).

My psych also diagnosed(? Idk if that’s the right word) me with agoraphobia. Which also explained a lot and helped me realize some things that help me cope and navigate my way socially and in life (and kinnie stuff is one of the things that really helps with that).

So at the moment I’m just freelancing and trying my best to work on myself. After finishing the rest of my comm queue I’m thinking of taking a break from taking comms and just focusing on my own/personal art and school (going for botany and economic science).

If you’ve read through this all, thank you so much for listening. I hope this was worded okay/sounds okay. And I can’t thank the ppl who continue to support me enough.

#txt

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lancedoncrimsonwings · 3 months

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hi I think I know what might be your medical issue?

Long story short I am in a server where you talked about your “mystery” dysautonomia a while back (I was looking for another comment and saw that one) and I have the exact same symptoms, tho slightly milder at their worst. I have hyperadrenic POTS, a rare subtype of POTS where bp goes UP when triggered rather than down and which is caused by an overproduction of stress hormones in the body rather than solely a lack of vein strength or fluid production. I take propranolol for it, because hyperPOTS means chronic high blood pressure and the prop also helps w the heart rate. POTS is also oftentimes comorbid with nerve issues, especially hyperPOTS, since hyperPOTS can oftentimes be caused by stuff like damage to the brain stem. A lot of docs and cardiologists don’t know abt hyperpots cus it was super rare until covid hit, and I only got my diagnosis after seeking out a specialist bc 8 doctors and 2 ER trips had everyone scratching their heads. I’d be fine then I’d stand up and my bp would hit 170/100 and my HR would be 130. I’m sorry you’re dealing with medical issues and sorry for just dropping this in your inbox but I KNOW how scary and frustrating these situations can be. Hopefully this points you in the right direction??? Idk I’m no medical professional but that sounds like what I have.

Hi Anon!

I am personally grateful you did reach out, but I do have to put a statement here that I don't want people to reach out with unsolicited medical advice, please ask if its ok first!

I am happy to openly talk about my disabilities, BUT NOT EVERY DISABLED PERSON IS.

In my case, due to medical gaslighting I have medical PTSD, and sometimes even without it when people give unsolicited advice it can feel like I'm being told I'm not trying hard enough. (In reality, I'm on the losing end of the postcode lottery with a severely underfunded NHS and no ability to go private, with doctors that do not listen or care, whilst struggling alone against these debilitating and life altering symptoms.)

I do not remotely think you are doing that, Anon, and again I'm grateful for your ask, but such is the way I have to put a disclaimer up.

With that out of the way!

I have suspected HyperPOTs for a while, sadly my doctors have no interest in exploring further, they won't do the tests, they won't test my cortisol, they won't look into it, and given they have labelled me histrionic in the past I can't risk pushing more than I have.

I have tried propranolol in the past and sadly didn't get on with it, due to comorbidities, but have general sinus tachycardia (I meet criteria for IST, as my average HR over 24hrs is 99-110, anything over 90 is considered IST but I don't have an official diagnosis of it. My HR does come down to the 70-80s when asleep, but awake its usually over 100bpm. Case in point, its currently 137 and I'm only sat at the desk at work, alone, writing this)

The diagnosed they did give me were Vasovagal syncope and I have occasional episodes of SVT. (Documented) My official Dysautonomia diagnosis (Vasovagal Syncope aside) is "disorders of autonomic nervous system". I mean. Vague and nondescript as it is, it's fairly accurate I suppose.

High cortisol would make sense, given my cPTSD, or some form of adrenal fatigue in general. I do also have MECFS, ADHD, and we suspect EDs- all VERY commonly comorbid conditions with Dysautonomia in general. If I do indeed have Ehlers Danlos syndrome, (in referral stage atm) then this could be the overall cause, connective tissue disease resulting in a general brainstem dysfunction. (Which would explain the nerve problems, the numbness, sporadic muscle weakness, the Non Epileptic Seizures, severe motion sickness, episodes mimic the signs of stroke- potentially silent migranes, etc etc etc etc...)

Causes are great to know, and I wish I had the luxury of even that, but I suppose in the end they still give me little to no hope of treatment given there isn't really any that I'm not already doing, they will never offer me anything else. So long as MS remains ruled out, I'll be happy enough to survive with the mediocrity I get from my doctors.

Hopefully I get some answers one day. I don't imagine I really will, though.

Dysautonomias are awful to deal with and I hope that yours is tolerable, Anon. May you have many low symptom days!

(Sorry if this rambling mess made no sense!)

#actually disabled #hyperpots #pots #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #dysautonomia #chronic illness #medical gaslighting #cripple punk

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danteinthedevildom · 3 years

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Ngl I’ve been thinkin over the brother’s fears stuff from the most recent (?) lessons (bc I’m a dirty cheat and saw spoilers so ofc I went and looked up as much shit as I could) and like,

Ok shovin thots under the cut bc it got long oop. Also bc spoilers but y’know.

1 - Lucifer thinkin the “light” (which is ofc God lbr) was his fear despite not fearin it at all is p. weird. Like there was no hesitation, no fear. He just looked at it and went “ew it’s you never thot I’d see you again” and killed it. So clearly that’s NOT his actual fear. Def. Simeon’s I think, like he says a lil later.

So either Lucifer knew it was Simeon’s and “claimed” it to save Simeon’s feelins or smthn or he legit figured it was his fear bc the only thing he could think to be scared of is the guy who threw him out.

Which like. Is such a fuckin non-answer re: his actual fear (tho he did say once goin back to the Celestial Realm was his “greatest fear” or smthn so maybe that’s still true so they didn’t figure that bringin it up again’d be that fun), but is interestin bc it says a lot abt how he sees God.

Like. He got beat and kicked out and had his sister (almost) killed, but he’s still got 0 goddamn fear of his dad. Literal creator of everything God with a capital G don’t scare him. I figure bc he already did the worst thing he could’a done, and he survived that, so what else’s there to fear?

Tho it bein Simeon’s fear is... hm. Def. makes it sound like Simeon’s fearin seein God again. Either bc that’s just smthn any angel’d fear - maybe they only see God one-on-one if they’ve done smthn wrong so that’d be like seein your headteacher pop up outta nowhere, knowin he only comes outta the teacher’s room when you done fucked up - or bc he’s hidin smthn that makes seein God a really Bad Thing. Guilt or worries over some kinda sin?

I mean duh. He’s in love with MC. That ain’t a hidden thing anymore. He’s kissed MC plenty times and I think even said the L-word once or twice. That’s def. grounds to get murderised (as we know, RIP Lilith).

Also hella interestin in a metaphorical sense tho. Like, God’s a light. Simeon’s scared of somethin comin to light. Da-dum-tss, but what a hella cool way of showin that it’s a (technical) secret that’s got him all wound up.

2 - Mammon and Levi both fearin demon-form Lucifer is... understandable, but also kinda sad. Like, legit sad, not “wow ur so sad lol”.

Levi’s way of sayin it makes sense tho. Lucifer only goes full demon form when he’s hella pissed, or outta control. He’s so damn powerful he don’t need to go into that form often, bc he can handle p. much anythin without it - plus he’s just got a p. good control on himself, so no accidental demon-form slips.

Unless ofc he’s so fuckin angry that it just leaps out. We’ve seen it. He gets murderous, and boom - form’s out. Or, situation’s so damn dire it’s got him on edge, and boom - form’s out. Him bein in demon form’s never good.

But him bein in demon form and after them is even worse.

Makes me wonder tho. If it’d just been angry Lucifer, why’d Levi specify it as his demon form’s anger? He gets angry at them hella often, and Mams esp. is strung up p. much daily, so clearly they’re not scared of him bein angry at them.

It’s him bein angry at them while enraged. So either they’ve both pissed him off before bad enough that he’s gone full demon form, and whatever happened then was so fuckin terrifyin they’ve never recovered from it,

Or they know that demon form Lucifer is scary shit, and even tho he’s not gone for them like that before, it’s smthn they’re terrified of in principle. Like, you’ve seen your dad mad on the phone before, and he’s never yelled at you like that, but you know he’s capable of it and that’s terrifyin as shit bc what if you do smthn that pisses him off enough to yell at you like that?

A lil part of me leans towards the latter bc tho they were scared it wasn’t smthn Levi said as tho it’d happened. More like smthn he’s hypothetically scared of. Plus idk what times Lucifer’d be so pissed he goes full rage at them? His demon form’s only really come out when the family’s in danger. Even shit like Lotan bein summoned don’t usually end in a demon form Lucifer (I’m p. sure anyway).

3 - Ok so like who was surprised by this. Asmo’s beauty is p. integral to who he is. He’s nothin if he’s not beautiful, and that’s what I think scares him. Not the bein ugly, but that bein ugly means he’s not Asmo.

Means he can’t get the attention he needs, can’t be loved by ppl, won’t get all the adoration and affection - he won’t be popular. And Asmo hella needs to be reassured that he’s pretty and loved. It’s who he is and what his identity is based on.

Plus we’ve seen I’m p. sure a couple scenes where he’s been a lil worried/nervous abt if MC likes him for him. Beyond the beauty. He legit don’t think there’s anythin worth lovin if he’s not pretty, so ofc him bein ugly’s gonna be his biggest fear. Bc who’s gonna love him then.

4 - Also smthn no-one’s gonna be surprised by. It’s his whole sense of identity. That’s not gonna go away for him overnight, y’know? The fact that it was angel Lucifer, tho - not just, like, normal Lucifer - was a p. cool touch.

That’s his roots. Not Lucifer the demon - Lucifer the angel. That’s what he’s based on. Smthn he never was but was always part of.

He’s legit just the Lil Hal-Dirk connundrum which jfc that’s showin my fandoms huh. Is smthn that comes from smthn else its own unique person, or is it just a copy that’s always gonna get drawn back to what it was? How can it be original when everythin it is came from smthn else?

That’s a hell of an identity crisis. Even bein Wrath and bein p. physically different and even likin different shit’s not enough to stop that feelin of ig imposter syndrome? Or of just bein a fragment of smthn else. Esp. when you know everyone else’s their own damn being. No one can understand where he’s comin from bc his “birth” was totally unique. He’s not just, like, Lucifer’s son or whatever - he’s legit a part of Lucifer’s emotions that just got plopped out one day.

(Except ofc he’s not bc Lucifer knew he was different and felt him like a different presence for a while before the Fall but Satan’s got his memories and that’s kinda like bein someone anyway, ain’t it?)

So yeah, not surprisin, but also? I rlly hope he gets confident in who he is one day. Legit the idea that he’s still sittin there goin “who am I?” just hurts.

5 - This bitch got trauma. Lbr it was either gonna be Belphie or it was gonna be Lilith and we all knew that was comin. Beel’s still not over the death of Lilith and his “role” in it (bc survivor’s guilt is a bitch and he’s still thinkin “not being able to save two ppl in two different places at the same time” is a sin), so losin anyone else is gonna hurt him.

But bein the reason he lost them? Oh that’s gonna hurt him even more. Esp. with the blame he’s still puttin on himself. It’s one thing to be like the passive cause that someone died but bein the active cause? Even by accident? Poor Beel.

I don’t think anythin could’a been worse for him. That ain’t just a fear, that’s outright smthn he’s still strugglin with PTSD over. Like hell no shit he almost/did break down over it, that’s just shovin a trigger right in his face.

6 - Bein alone, bein abandoned, not bein able to find anyone in pure darkness. That’s... damn. Either that’s lingerin trauma from bein locked up in the attic, knowin that no one was gonna find him or could hear him (which, fuck, how much did he try’n call for his brothers to come get him only to realise no one was gonna come?), or smthn set up that fear before the attic and the attic just made it hells of worse.

Like that wasn’t just “bein in a room apart from ppl”, it was outright “not knowin where anyone is, or seein/hearin/feelin them”. Total sensory deprivation.

Oh. His worst fear’s not feelin anythin. That’s. Y’all.

Idk how to end this now I’m just big hurty thinkin abt the last two jfc. No wonder Belphie’s always wantin to be asleep next to smthn. “He sleeps better with someone there” no sir you just hella fear sleepin bc your sin’s legit exactly what you’re terrified of and havin smthn there’s the best way to fix it.

#obey me #danteintherambles #idk what to tag this as I got distracted like half way through lmao #Writin out this instead of figurin out homeschoolin stuff y'all know how it is

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tequiladimples · 3 years

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I hope this doesn't come off as rude, but I saw that you dislike when collision is branded het cause you're not het, but no one's talking about you personally? like for me, I really like collision but I can understand the criticism in a way and that isn't an attack on you (or an attack at all lol). again hope I'm not rude but idk it seems unnecessary to get upset, it's better to take it as constructive criticism

sigh i don't think ur rude but it simply isn't constructive.

look i’ll talk abt this one more time n then i Beg we can put it to rest! (this is gna be a lot of word vomit but if i'm elaborative now i hope i won't have to talk abt this ever again)

i’m deeply insecure abt many aspects of collision. i don’t really keep that a secret. i also know some ppl don't like fantasy, some ppl don't like the kinds of dynamics i like, some ppl don't vibe with my style of writing (hell, i barely vibe with my style of writing). those things are fine. i can't control that and i don't take that personally. the reason why this is the one critique i do take personally is because it genuinely presumes wrongful, harmful things about me and my values, especially when i've made deliberate efforts to avoid writing the exact flavor of fic they're accusing me of having written. just because people don’t mean for what they say to reflect back on me, doesn’t stop it from doing so.

the thing about calling something a “het fic” is that the term brings along certain connotations which i don’t stand by at all and feel deeply uncomfortable and distraught to possibly have created. i’ve gone over this godforsaken story again and again just to be absolutely sure i didn’t actually do so. when people say “het fic” they generally don’t mean “boy meets girl and they fall in love”, they mean “super rude and mean boy meets uptight virtuous girl and makes her fall in dependence with him through manipulation and treating her like shit until she behaves how he wants.” and that is straight up not the fic i wrote. i’m not stupid. i know the dynamic i went with is widely and easily misused and there’s a lot of fiction depicting really bad, uneven, unhealthy relationships through it. i knew this going in, and i’ve tried persistently to avoid making those same mistakes.

skipping over the fact that they’re both boys (bc duh)--harry doesn't exhibit any real manipulative power over louis. collision harry is a grumpy, fruity little nerd who happened upon a really unfortunate lot in life and managed to trick himself into believing he's evil for like half a second of the story and his resolves crumble like a danish pastry the moment he receives his first hug. he's kind of aloof and arrogant, and understandably hardened from his past, but he's not bad. he's just lost. that's the basis of his character arc. now on the other hand, louis has harry wrapped around his finger starting like chapter 4. harry’s the one who opens up emotionally first, harry’s the one desperately seeking louis’ approval and caring about his opinion, harry’s the one who makes himself vulnerable continuously throughout the entire story. the only time louis makes himself vulnerable on a comparable scale is during the smut scenes, and even then, harry is gentle and attentive and puts louis first. louis is less experienced than harry in that area, but he isn't scared or intimidated by harry, and he has full reigns of the progression and nature of their relationship as a whole. that’s kind of how it needs to go with tough x soft dynamics for the power balance to not feel uneven, and i wrote the story accordingly. if you then happen to still be so blindly determined to associate soft/small with weakness (and thereby uh, womanhood ig) that you still felt like louis had an inferior position to harry solely because he is indeed soft/small, that sounds quite frankly like a you problem.

now, the whole point of louis’ character is that he’s underestimated. sure, he’s naive and self-centered and sheltered from the real world--that’s the basis of his character arc. those things all change. but louis isn’t ever weak. like idk who apparently needs to hear this but you can be small and simultaneously not be a pushover. the two aren’t mutually exclusive. there isn’t a single time louis takes shit in this story, especially not from harry; he gives back as good as he gets every time. oh! and then he literally saves the entire universe and the execution of that whole thing was his idea alone. i tried really hard to underline how strong-willed and full of grit he is to contrast what others think of him. if you think he’s portrayed as a meek and frail damsel, you missed the point. once again, i feel like we circle back to this misconception of louis being kind of naive and physically small = louis being inferior = louis being female. just do some soul searching.

(i could also get into the fact that for a bunch of people who don’t know these boys personally (no matter how much we like to think we do), this fandom is weirdly opinionated about characterization. especially regarding sexual stuff. i know creating a version for ourselves of who we think these boys are based on things we recognize in ourselves or things we find endearing is part of the comfort with loving them. but that doesn’t really equate to actually knowing them, and besides, this is fan fiction; no one’s opting to write a biography, anyway. being experimental and explorative and putting different aspects of their personalities in different lightings is what makes fic fun. if someone’s writing harmful or one-dimensional characters, that’s one thing, and preferences is again whatever floats your boat. but the “out of character” argument feels mostly really strange to me. this is a bit of a tangent, though.)

lastly, the thing is that i will and i do take it personally if someone insinuates that a character--a gay character--that i, a lesbian, construed is a secret vessel for expressing heterosexual attraction. if someone calls louis a “self-insert”, that does reflect back on me. and to elaborate on that--i don’t particularly love to bring it up, but it's quite disheartening to pour personal PTSD experiences into a character and rly put effort into doing it right and justice and underline growth and healing, just to find out people disregard all that completely in favor of declaring that my self-projection lies in the attraction to a man--which is to say, the one thing i couldn’t possibly feel more estranged from. it's so incredibly tactless. i feel thoroughly whiny at this point but how is that not supposed to make me a little sad?

anyway. none of this is to say that you can’t dislike or critique collision. you can. sometimes ppl don’t like things. but i hope i’m clear about where i’m coming from with my discomfort now. people’s preferences and dislikes are indeed not mine to be hurt by, but these things are. this definitely got unnecessarily long and i probably look like i take myself unbearably seriously (i promise i don’t), so i’m sorry. but at least i've said everything now, and if i encounter this sort of rhetoric in the future, i have something to redirect people to. also anon, none of this is directly pointed at you, i know you mean well. take care <3

#look away this is so long #also @ my non fic mutuals scroll past it pls #it’s not that deep i’m just tired #ask

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ranting-venting-other-bs · 3 years

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i need advice like asap plsssssss

my bf and i are going though such a hard time and it hurts so bad, i’m gonna rant a little below the line

(idk how to make a line on mobile so *line*)

also tw for sh and very slight assault mention (and abuse mention) not graphic tho!

he’s been fighting with me a lot. to be fair i get defensive rly easy too but it’s all trauma responses from when i was younger.

i caught him lying multiple times after he swore he would never do it again, and then he got super upset with me and like i had to comfort him. i cried myself to a point of dehydration today.

i love him so fucking much i know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. i cant be without him i don’t wanna break up i think we can work past this.

the other night i met one of the artists i idolized and took a pic and he put his arm around me in the pic, my bf got furious and started saying stuff like “i know you cheated on me i hope it was worth it”. i would never cheat. i’m the most loyal person i know.

he also called me a stupid f*cking bitch, but i made him angry and he was just super emotional and he apologized multiple times.

i swear he’s not abusive. i just can’t talk to any of my irls abt this because they’ll tell me to leave him.

he lied and hung out with a dude who basically assaulted one of my friends and begged me for nudes when i was drunk when i was 14 because he “didn’t wanna cause drama at work” since they work together.

he threatened suicide when i explained how i’m upset. i was so scared, i told him i wanted to call the police but he got mad and begged me not to.

he always accuses me of cheating when i woukd never do that. i’ve been nothing but loyal. he’s the one i caught flirting with other girls.

he gets mad when i post tiktoks that i look good in. well not mad. he just gets super upset and starts crying bc “other people are looking at u”

he said i don’t love him and that i only want the attention from ppl on tiktok.

he said “even if we broke up we’d still be best friends” i told him tahts not how it works and i cant be friends with someone i still have feelings for. then he got pissed and was mad that i was friends with my ex’s who i ended up blocking right away. (all of the ex’s were from a lot time ago)

he also got pissed at me bc i got groomed. he said “i don’t understand girls why would u want to do that”

one night i was super out of it at a drag show and think i could have been drugged or something. he got upset bc there was a chance someone but him touched me, not because of the fact that i was in danger.

he cut himself when i made him angry and said “do u wanna see what u did to me? huh? nvm you don’t deserve it.”

he keeps getting upset that i have trauma responses when i get scared (i was abused in middle school, not by family my family is amazing) and i have ptsd from something else that i don’t wanna talk about

i was trying to write my essay that was due in 30 mins and he kept threatening suicide and it was so hard to finish, i’m sure my grade dropped a lot.

he has threatened to break up with me 3 times this week, knowing it gives me panic attacks.

whenever i’m upset he’s all like “we shoukd break up all i do is hurt u” but I DONT WANNA BREAK UP!!! it gives me a panic attack when he says that.

i need him.

he lied and said he blocked ppl when he never did

i rly need him i don’t wanna break up, what should i do? pls help

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enderspawn · 4 years

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🎼 (I can’t find the correct emoji lol) exile arc tommy?

Oh boy! (opens up breakdown playlist) /hj

Montreal – Penelope Scott

Sleep with a Baseball Bat – Cosmic Johnny

Brother – Gerard Way

breakdown under cut, tw for suicidal ideation on the first song esp

1. Montreal – heehee hoohoo suicidal/depression thoughts baby!!

I mean in short this is tommy saying he wont Survive exile. The intro of the song lists when the singer would be home from college/school and that “another 90 day summers gonna take [their] fucking life” which is rlly just. Tommy not gonna live THAT long in exile.

“And I would rather die And let me make it clear It's nobody's fault But I think we all know That I won't make it to Montreal”

So the thing here is that its “nobody’s fault” bc on one hand it is that he doesn’t blame tubbo but worse he doesn’t blame DREAM. Its just meant to happen, its not bc of anybody, yknow?

“And I would rather die I'll jump before I'll fall And I'm having lots of fun But I won't make it Montreal”

Mans tried to jump to his death before he “fell” whether bc of dream or an accident, hes makin the active CHOICE to end it rather than just waiting. Even w the fun he’s having w dream, he’s miserable and he knows he wont make it to see lmanberg again

“You like to talk about the future As if it's real And when you tell me that you love me I can almost feel it”

Dream keeps promising him stuff for the future. Maybe he can visit to see the tree, maybe he can get another visit, maybe he wont be alone. But tommy doesn’t care, its all fake to him (which like, it is so good for him but fjkdlsjf)

“It's not that it's a bad plan No, the plan fucking slapped I was so excited you don't know how bad I wanted all of it The coffee shop, the weather, the apartment But I don't want anything anymore I don't know, I guess I just got bored”

Okay so. Tommy kept trying to get shit together to leave, right? He wanted to go back so bad and have this domestic life w his friends but in the end he just got so downtrodden that after his shit got blown up he was so ready to just GIVE UP.

“And I don't wanna die I don't wanna get left behind But it's better half than none I hope to god you have some fun”

He doesn’t want to be in this situation, he still CARES abt the lmanberg crew but in the end hes been told that they’re happy WIHTOUT him. He’s not angry at them, not anymore, he just wants them to be happy bc he isn’t.

2. Sleep with a Baseball Bat – tommy and dream relationship baby!!

“And every time you wake up Thinking this could be the day Well something, something just”

Every day in exile he had no real plans. He just had to exist out there alone and hope someone else came. This IS the day he can do…. Something. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have a goal.

“And when your love is an anxiety attack Don’t settle for that, don’t settle for that And when you wake and find the claw marks in your back Sleep with a baseball bat, sleep with a baseball bat”

Hes been manipulated into thinkin dream is his friend, that dream “loves” him but it makes him miserable! Hes paranoid and stressed and falling apart!! Boy!!! Fjdsklfj

“Siena says you’re getting used But something’s broken in your head And you can’t run away when you need to”

The other ppl who visited him, like ranboo, KNEW something was happening and that he was in a bad place but tommy had been manipulated by dream so much that he couldn’t process it. No, dream couldn’t be bad, dream was his friend, right? He couldn’t leave exile, dream would be upset. Its all what DREAM wants, not tommy.

“Hey, space cadet Are you still floating round the rock That you spent so much of your life trying to get away from? And does it at least look different from up there?”

OKAY SO ONE. SPACE CADET? THAT’S CLARA BABY!! TWO: he spent ALL his time on this server fucking fighting dream, trying to “get away from” him. But now hes stuck “floating around” with him as his “friend”. The last line feels sarcastic and bitter but like. FUCK it hits, yknow??

“It might take a couple tries till you believe it But love is real, you’ll figure it out, you’ll live to see it But you still have to take a couple of falls And you can’t make an omelet without breaking your balls So batter up Is your bed made? Is your helmet on?”

HAPPY ENDING POG!! HE STARTS HEALING!!!! HE STARTS REALIZING DREAM WASN’T HIS FRIEND!!! He still “falls” and relapses into wanting dream w him but hes so much better!!! Also,,,,, “is your helmet on” w the turtle shell helmet (eyes emoji)

3. Brother – IF TECHNO AND TOMMY NOT BROTHERS WHY THIS SON—(gunshot rings out)

Okay so on a serious note this song is abt addiction and while I don’t want to take away from that Serious Topic, it Does relate but w tommy dealing w his ptsd of dream

“And brother, if you have the chance to pick me up And can I sleep on your couch To the pound of the ache and pain? Oh, in my head 'Cause I'm awake all night long To the drums of the city rain”

Hhrhnrng staying at technos place to hide from dream and get better a lil JFKDLSJK. Also “the drums of the city rain” is referenced a LOT in this song but like. It keeps him up so,,,,,, dream JFKDLSJF. Mans barely ever slept in exile so it WORKS okay jfkdlsjf

“The lights we chase The nights we steal The things that we take to make us feel this (To the drums of the city rain)”

This is him and techno livin together!! Like in the first chorus you could see lights we chase being tommy finding techno’s place, then later it’s the lights of lmanberg as they sneak in. the nights they steal is both just time spent together and also straight up the times they stole shit JFKDSLJ. “the things that we take to make us feel” is the gapples tommy always eats so that he can feel safe (also, bc in the og song this is PROBABLY abt drugs and potions are drugs in universe so. Arguably getting a potion effect from the apple means it is Also Drugs? Fjdkslfj)

“I can't go back I don't think I will I won't sleep tonight as long as I still Hear the drums of the city rain”

Go back to logstedshire or lmanberg you ask?? The answer is yes. Both. He feels like he doesn’t belong in lmanberg and logstedshire is too traumatizing for him to return at this point. As long as he “hears the drums of the city rain”, or is thinking of dream, he Cant Sleep:tm:

“Does anyone have the guts to shut me up? 'Cause I believe that every night There's a chance we can walk away So hold on tight Because I won't wait too long In the drums of the beating rain”

Okay so hear me out but. This is just tommy and dream. “I believe that every night theres a chance we can walk away” is tommy hoping desperately for dream to let him go home, to walk away from logstedshire. He never will be permitted, not really, but theres a chance that tommy clings to. He wont “wait too long” while out in exile and stuck w dream bc hes desperate and miserable (also fun fact these analysis is basically me just pmv’ing shit in my head and rambling vaguely abt it but like. Listen,,,, flashback verse jfkdsljf) ALSO. The line “does anyone have the guts to shut me up” in relation to exile!tommy is just VERY important to me. Mans was so quiet and afraid to speak up when in exile.

“'Cause the nights don't last And we leave alone Will you drive me back? Can you take me home? (To the drums of the city rain)”

Following up that last paragraph, this is still in flashback. The days end and dream leaves again, making tommy alone. He asks if he can go back, if he can see home and lmanberg and everyone. But echoing the “to the drums of the city rain” after home CAN imply that “home” has become logstedshire WITH DREAM even tho it keeps him up and aaAAAAAHHHH

I swear this ends up okay and techno + tommy focused fjkdsljf

“Faces I don't know I am tired in the glow”

He feels isolated from everyone during his exile and lashes out at those who visit, to the point he feels like they’re all more or less strangers and “faces he doesn’t know”. Being tired in the glow is, imo, him over the lava.

“Of the freezing club Keep me breathing Don't make the lights come back Can you take me home? We all need this When we leave alone”

Hhhngg okay so tommy breakdown time! Hes in techno’s house (the freezing club) and is just pleading for techno to help. Don’t let “the lights come back” (lava again maybe? He doesn’t want to be Like This?) and just wants to feel like hes at home because hes just left exile and hes Messed Up Over It

“Remember when you and I would make things up? So many nights, just take me down To the place we can hear them play I miss that sound 'Cause now we don't sing so loud To the drums of the city rain”

OKAY SO THEY MAY NOT BE CANON FAMILY BUT WILBUR REMEMBERS SPARRING W TECHNO AS A KID AND PHIL IS HIS CLOSE FRIEND SO THEY STILL KNEW EACH OTHER AS KIDS SO SHUSH FJSDKL. Tommy just wants things to go back to how they were, before everything. When things were easy and they were kids just having fun. He misses it. Before exile, before lmanberg, before dream. But it doesn’t matter, because they’re stuck in this now. With his brother dead and his closest friend being the man who killed his best friend and helped blow up his country. Again, the drums of the city rain is dream. Because of his influence, its all different.

Hhhngngngn this is too long so I wont go into the last outro bc you can interpret it a LOT of ways, esp depending on how you want to Pace this song w the exile arc. But like. The analysis is THERE if you really wanna push it/animatic it babeyyy

#dream smp #mcyt #tommyinnit #exile arc #HHHHNG IM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE JFKLDSJ #I PROMISED MYSELF ID FINISH THIS ASK GAME UP AND WOULDNT GO IN DEPTH AS MUCH THEN DID EXACTLY THAT W THREE SONGS JFKDSL #tommy #answered #song ask game #listen the last song is a LIL bit of a stretch but its my playlist i get to put in the not depressing song fjdkls #Anonymous

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gerrydelano · 5 years

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hello im very !!!! abt your bpd tim post it is a very extremely good post,,,, i wd also like to offer for your consideration, dpd martin, i do not have articulated reasoning tho i just have im dpd and i feel it

HELLO i’m sorry this took so long, my braincells settled at the bottom of my skull before you sent this and i had to swirl them around a little bit so my answer could have some proper FLAVOUR.

first off, thank you so much! i’m glad the post resonated, it makes me really happy to hear that it could inspire a solid x4 exclamation point mood!

second, i spent a solid while considering it, and it’s time for some MARTIN MENTAL HEALTH META. *crowd goes absolutely hog wild*

TL;DR - massive case of C-PTSD, OCD, and BPD on that guy, but not quite DPD in my opinion. also i fancy him as autistic.

disclaimer: you are OBVIOUSLY within your rights to have that headcanon considering that it’s Your Affliction And You Get To Choose The Character, all the power to you! i’m just going to explain why it’s not something i personally headcanon. i seriously hope this doesn’t sound patronizing in any way, i just really like thinking about this stuff jdhfbkjdn you’ve activated my special interest.

EDIT 4/24/2021: i have finally expanded on BPD martin! which you can find and reblog here.

EDIT 9/30/2021: i have evolved so much since the very first time i wrote something on this topic. most of my exploration of martin’s mental processes can be found in part three of pharos by right: changing face! his BPD and OCD play massive roles in the story and i cannot ever shut up about it!

OKAY, so YOU obviously know all about DPD but i’m gonna walk through this for anyone who reads it that may not know much about it.

let’s just take a peek at the defining section of the diagnostic checklist. i was going to italicize the ones he doesn’t do and then explain them after, but. when i went to do that they ALL got italicized, so i’ll save space by going one by one.

I have difficulty making decisions without first getting advice from others.

martin makes all sorts of decisions without first getting input from others! if anything he makes a point to do a lot of things without asking for approval or help because he knows he won’t get it but he feels he needs to do it anyway, and doesn’t want someone to try and stop him.

he’ll burn a statement, he doesn’t give a fuck. he’ll go do dangerous worm things to prove a point to jon that no one ever asked him to prove. he’ll lie on his CV, no problem. literally all of s4 hes doing actively dangerous shit, getting no second opinions, going directly against given instructions, playing along with peter’s shit without ever actually intending to work with him or listen to him, frequently bickers with people or drives them away as part of playing along with peter’s shit, tons of stuff.

so honestly i think overall martin has a lot of impulses and makes a lot of decisions that almost no one would approve of if he asked first, so i think he honestly just doesn’t.

I prefer for others to take responsibility in major areas of my life.

due to that Delicious Childhood Trauma and his Demon Mom From Hell, martin is pretty solidly cemented as a Caretaker. he’s been taking responsibility for himself for a really long time, and if anything, i think he’d really reject the idea of somebody trying to make those kinds of decisions for him. he might be more likely to feel patronized and belittled if people were to impose that on him, because he certainly doesn’t ask for it himself.

I have difficulty expressing disagreement with others because I fear loss of their support or approval.

oof yeah, he absolutely does Not have a problem disagreeing with people, i don’t think. he’s got a long track record of telling people where to stick it and he’s damn good at it! he wants everyone to get along, yes, but he’s not scared of telling jon, tim, daisy, elias, peter, and even basira that they’re being Assholes. this man will snap at any given moment.

and i know that the defining feature here is the reason someone is afraid to disagree, etc., and that’s also something i don’t think? drives him? i don’t think he’s actually pathologically afraid of losing support. i think his pathos lies more in actually accepting it, despite how he might want it after such a long time of being denied basic care and approval from his mother.

HOWEVER! i can see why this one might resonate anyway because martin does have a way of playing things super safe and cautious early on by trying to do things for other people, jon especially, even when he’s being insulted or treated in a hostile way (which is something he’s very used to.) it can be like a self-defense mechanism to try to please other people and it might be a like something martin slips into until he feels safe, but i think that actually fits more with the C-PTSD that i’ll get into at the end of this post.

I have difficulty starting projects or doing things on my own, mostly because of a lack of self-confidence rather than a lack of energy.

again, martin definitely goes out of his way to do stuff all on his own, refer to bullet one! he does have issues with confidence but they don’t tend to stop him from doing what he thinks he needs to do. he has a level of certainty about him.

I go to excessive lengths in order to get support from others, to the point of putting myself in unpleasant or uncomfortable situations.

refer to the above points, i really don’t, like. see getting the approval and support of others as being something that really dictates a lot of his behavior and thought process. it’s still something he wants, certainly, but he definitely draws lines somewhere.

I feel incredibly helpless when I’m alone because of fears I have that I can’t take care of myself.

oh he’s definitely not afraid of taking care of himself. he’s convinced himself he’s really good at it, if nothing else. i can 100% see why this might be a diagnosis people lean towards for him because it has a lot to do with loneliness and NOT wanting to BE alone, but again i think it comes down to the reasons and tone of that fear of being alone. at the very lowest point in his mental health rut he’s more likely to isolate on purpose than anything, which in and of itself is a HUGE problem. just doesn’t feel like the particular problem described here.

I urgently seek out new relationships as soon as a relationships ends, as I tend to see relationships as a source of care and support.

this one we have no way of actually knowing because we’ve only ever seen his relationship with jon as it’s BUILDING but even there, i don’t think that’s necessarily how he conceptualizes relationships in terms of himself? obviously not everyone even does this particular symptom but i think it even applies to friendships, and we don’t really see him do this kind of thing. if anything he’s, like. clearly predisposed to neglecting himself while trying to care for others, and sticking with something even when he is not getting the support he needs.

I am intensely preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of myself.

refer above! i think he’s so used to having to take care of himself that he’s stubbornly comfortable with it and it’d be scarier to think of loosening his grip on that.

OKAY SO.

martin is a person who very much DOES want connection and support, he is driven by other people and his love for them and what he can do to protect them, and honestly the zeal that he puts into that speaks to C-PTSD a bit louder to me.

C-PTSD is easiest described as PTSD that comes from repeated trauma over the course of years. it’s often earned over a long period of time with exposure to a hostile or neglectful environment growing up, or acting as a long-term caretaker. it manifests differently than PTSD earned from a single situation or experience and can lead to:

lack of emotional regulation

negative self perception

difficulty with relationships (such as pushing people away, or seeking harmful dynamics because they’re familiar. cough peter. cough pining after someone who at first wasn’t even nice to him. his relationship with jon grows beautifully but there was a period in the beginning where it was Not Very Nice and that shit hurts my heart!)

distorted perception of abuser (looks at his entire concept of his mother)

loss of systems of meaning

as someone who also has C-PTSD (i have a whole laundry list going on, it’s, not great LOL) i see a bit more of that vibe in him? the general blanket of having a skewed sense of self, a distorted view of duty to others and therefore a distorted view of what he deserves from others in return, constantly placing himself in the situation he grew up in and navigating the world in response to that, recklessness, disregard for his own life, placing others ahead of himself, the people pleasing defense mechanism i mentioned earlier, etc.

it even ties into why he’s predisposed to the lonely, i think. he’s already kind of… cut himself off a bit from the idea of actually accepting the sort of help he knows he DOES want to be able to accept, and so his struggle is actively, like. taking his own advice and saying help me when he’s in trouble. he WANTS togetherness and support but it feels a bit like that whole idea of something being easier to apply to other people than to yourself? yeah. big C-PTSD mood. you kind of… exist in a fog, not gonna lie.

OKAY I’VE GONE ON LONG ENOUGH I’M SORRY AHHH.

back to the point: obviously, everyone with DPD is different, but i do have personal experience coping with these symptoms myself and i just don’t really, see them in him? the tone just doesn’t quite fit to me. again i really hope it doesn’t sound like i’m taking your hc down at the knees, i’m just! infodump ;-;

either way, this man is a neurodivergent king!!!!

EDIT: but also BORDERLINE. BPD and c-PTSD often overlap, too (like i said in my tim meta that trauma goes hand in hand with borderline so often) but as someone just said in my DMs just now:

He has the temper! He has the inconsistent sense of self! He has the need to be liked! He has the self isolating tendencies!

and frankly that’s all you need to convince ME because yeah, actually but i should go a bit more in depth. for now i’ll just link the checklist and say that i’m sure you can find things on here that feel very Him.

and here’s my post about low empathy autism martin. surprise! you can have low empathy and still be borderline, too. And It Feels Fucking Funky To Say The Least LMAO.

EDIT 9/30/21: one day. ONE DAY i will expand on OCD martin because honestly that one is probably the one that governs his life the most. Soon.

#martin blackwood #martin #ronologues #v0idsign #asks #ok to reblog! in fact i encourage #ive edited this post so much

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lanamemories · 5 years

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hLO itsa me nai-io!!!!! (read shrieked in a high voice like mario if he buckled his dungarees too tight around the crotch)...... im sad i missed opening bt i had a pretty busy past 2 days so i didn’t hav any chance at all to b online bc i ws staying at a friends bt. anyway. excited to b here nw regardless of my Fashionably Late entrance. i’m 22 n live in manchester (the u freakin k Bay Bee) n cackle a little too mch like a witch fr supernatural suspicions nt to arise. thts all u rly need to kno. like this or hmu fr plots!!

p.s. this is her pinterest for those of u tht like tht kind of thing

「 bridget satterlee. cis-female. 」have you seen lana jameson around yet? i hear SHE decided to be in ALPHA NU for their JUNIOR year as a DANCE major. the 21 year old SHEEP is known to be vivacious, alluring, childish and impulsive. ➨ the muse is written by nai. she is 22, in the gmt.

some random aesthetics: a red water pistol topped up with caribbean rum and covered in stickers of cartoon pin up girls, a vinyl record whirring silently because you got too distracted by a stranger’s hands to reach over and flip sides, giant inflatable flamingos floating in the aftermath of a pool party, smudgy lipstick kisses left like an autograph on someone else’s mirror, seventies platforms covered in bowie inspired lightening stripes, fanning the flush in your cheeks with a bright red flamenco fan in the back of a crowded lecture hall, michelangelo reminiscent statures clasping at their stone in suggestive places, bopping stranger’s on the forehead with heart shaped lollipops, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’, lighting a paper lantern and saying “aw, how pretty,” only for the whole party to shriek as it crashes into a children’s tent in the next garden over, a ball point pen that turns a woman naked when you click up the nib, cackling so ferociously that you almost throw up and your ribs ache.

ok im a Lay Zee gorl n dnt wna waste any mre time redoin lana’s intro so im pastin in her old one so i cn hop right to interactions. the only thing i can think tht needs to b added is the stuff abt danny nielsen (an evil npc of mine bc im a sadist) who recently beat up zeke van doren (full name this is Official feel like im writin a journalist article) bc he found out him n lana slept tgether n her n danny were kind of dating if....u can call his idea of romance tht. danny is in custody nw bt its a whole Thing like.... is prob... known around lockwood bc it ws a pretty intense..... thing tht happened n danny ws quite a popular senior

grew up in a big house in albany, NY, bt also spent time all over the place n was in the city a lot

okay so her mum is an old money socialite / three time campaign model way back when n her dad is a big record label mogul. he owns a label called jameson records n they repped a few big rock bands back in the eighties, altho they’re mostly known for ‘poppy injects’ whose lead singer had a big heroin scandal tht brought down his career. lana p much grew up around musicians snorting lines instead of spooning down cereal fr breakfast n her parents were v much absent her whole life

they’re pretty well off obviously n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her. it was v clear that she was an accident after her older brother caleb n that even when they just had him alone they weren’t cut out for parenthood. they always kind of jst… ignored her n hoped she’d go away. she had to mke herself microwave meals when she ws only like 12 bc they’d forget to get her anything. once she went like 6 days without her mum even looking her in the eyes once

despite this tho!!! she’s always been insanely close w her brother caleb. he’s her whole world. thts why when he decided to sign up to the army she ws understandably scared bt supported him after initially bein mad tht he ws leavin her all alone. bt then he wound up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed his best friend die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home n he was never the same n lana kind of felt like he’d died out there too. he’s in n out of hospital a lot n it’s rly hard on her bt she doesn’t tlk abt it to anyone rly

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. jst literally…. knew everyone n everyone definitely knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character n she like. deliberately puts tht on sort of. kind of.... is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as

she’s always been insatiably spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

anyway so after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not

she also currently? is working as a cam girl. she found this website bc she trawls… porn stuff a lot n she wound up applying to work as one bc she thought it’d b fun n wld earn her some disposal income (even tho she frankly doesn’t need it bc she’s already well off). the guy tht manages all of the girls on the site is kind of suspect n it’s a whole plot i’m gna unravel where it’s actually like the front for a cult or something wild so. stay posted ig. kgjdkgjh

personality/some fun facts: uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. her fav book as a child used to b alice in wonderland n she’d fantasise abt having her own little wonderland too where everyone knew her name n asked her things n took her on adventures. at the time it didn’t rly strike her how evident it was tht that was bc she was so lonely. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s strawberry laces or gummy bears or cherry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. wildflowers r her favourites bc they’re the brightest and u can’t buy them. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

plot ideas: exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days

#wshedintro #ok these tws r kind of intense/in abundance bt. all r only rly briefly touched upon / nt explored in detail #hypersexuality tw #abuse tw #ptsd tw #hospitalisation tw #death tw #grief tw #rape tw #statutory rape tw #drugs tw #mental illness tw #addiction tw #assault tw #whew! feel like i jst unloaded an entire moving truck addin those all on there

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lookwhatilost · 5 years

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i finished my second watch of bojack s6 p1 and here’s a predictably massive post of some thoughts/observations abt it

spoilers under the cut obviously

the “fuck” of the season definitely came in a moment that i didn’t expect, but i rly liked how it was used. like, it was a callback to when gina dropped it in the last season –– something that traumatized her vs a reaction to her PTSD symptoms. a lot of people seem unhappy w it but i think it’s more powerful than people are giving it credit for being

the gatsby reference in e3 rly brought to mind that there are, like, a lot of gatsby tie-ins w this show and i never rly pasted them together mentally bc of the ubiquity of the “rich guy is utterly depressed and alone” trope. like, the imagery related to the pool, the shallow parties, the yellow car, the spacious but empty house, the billboards staring him down as he drives when he’s hallucinating in s5. charlotte/daisy being a weak parallel in that he had feelings for her when they were younger, held onto them for years, only for her to be married when they reconnect, but it’s worth mentioning that the glow stick balloons were green.

someone on reddit pointed out that jameson’s baby in e1 had physical traits associated w fetal alcohol syndrome. like, short, upturned nose, eyes that are far apart, and low ears. it’s hard to say if it’s intentional, but he’s drawn w a lot more detail than a lot of the other babies i’ve seen in the show. if it’s purposeful, like, that’s amazing attention to detail

i liked how the season opened on a planetarium flashback, because honestly, the immediate aftermath of sarah lynn’s death is definitely kind of glossed over in s3 when it initially happens. and though i suppose the added information isn’t terribly surprising (like him lying abt the events that lead up to her overdose and minimizing his own role in it as much as possible), it did make me wonder why i hadn’t thought abt it before

bojack rly does show signs of serious growth in the 6th season and it’s cool to finally see him move forward w/o simultaneously backsliding in other ways. a lot of his good actions in previous seasons were only rly things that benefitted him. and there are a lot of examples of it, but i think the one that stuck out to me the most was w his therapist. when he fell off the wagon, it’d have been rly easy for bojack to look the other direction and walk away like we’ve seen him do before. realistically, he has no real incentive to care for doctor champ’s wellbeing if he’s no longer staying at pastiches, but he checks him into rehab anyway, and when doctor champ throws his insecurities in his face to be hurtful, he immediately identifies it for the petty jab it is instead of letting it fuel his negative thoughts and using it as an excuse to dive into self-destructive behavior. honestly e6 was the emotional high water mark of part 1, even though it wasn’t the kind of gut punch that the dramatic, narrative focused episodes of bojack tend to be

i’m glad that the writers finally /did/ something w todd that made him feel like an actual character instead of jst a device for the comedy part of the show. i used to watch this show w a friend and we always used to say that todd had very little depth given the amount of screen time he occupies and seeing them move away from that was refreshing. his struggle w jorge is very relatable as someone whose parents have always pushed me towards things i didn’t sincerely want based on their expectations and desires for me vs my actual opinions of what success and happiness would look like for myself. but, on the other side of the coin, there’s finally a little bit of confrontation of the fact that todd’s erratic behavior and shenanigans are very taxing things for people who care abt him to deal w. and todd is rly the only character who’s somehow defied the show’s formula in that he never faces accountability for the things he does. like, he’s enabled PB’s impulsivity many times and drove him to bankruptcy, care of PB Livin’, and it’s a detail in the show that’s never truly been acknowledged or talked abt at all. he fucked PC over when he wouldn’t follow through w his sham marriage to courtney, and it was met w a cheesy speech from her abt how he needs to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right. it always struck me as a weird oversight, and to finally see someone take him to task for how taxing his behavior can be was refreshing. his only other “depth” was the asexual stuff and honestly? that is stupid and does not actually count for anything

if it didnt warm your heart when PC named her daughter ruthie then you dnt have one. i wasn’t as invested in her narrative as i’d have liked to be, but its good when PC is happy and that’s what everyone wants

IM SO GLAD JUDAH IS BACK. also i still hope he and PC end up together (and maybe she has a viable pregnancy this time w him a la sex and the city charlotte but that’s a little too cornball sappy for this show). generally rly enjoyed how characters from previous seasons were incorporated this time around. but i dnt want them to bring back vincent adultman jst to spite everyone who’s always saying “bring back vincent adultman”

pickles is still my least favorite character even tho the surprise wedding episode was probably the one i found the funniest. realistically i wanna see things work out for PB but his relationship w her is obviously not the move for him, and she’s also the worst

i like diane and guy together, they have rly good chemistry but i also have a bad feeling abt where things are headed w them. he seems ambivalent abt how principled she is and the scene where his son comes to the party and he makes her leave when he could have jst introduced her as a party guest if it even needed to happen at all... there was jst something off abt it. like you can definitely see the cracks in the foundation already and it’s disappointing

the scene btwn PB and bojack where bojack says to him “but i understand that feeling of needing to bottle up your guilt, not burden other people w it. you think you’re protecting them from your toxicity, you convince yourself that you’re being selfless, but it comes out in other ways and it infects everything” hit close to home bc it reminded me of someone i used to bond over this show w and like... whew

i rly love how the dominoes are being set up w the reporters (even tho their his girl friday shtick got old fast) bc the way things are culminating, the story getting out is liable to expose bojack for everything. if they approach penny and she talks to them abt what happened, she’s liable to tell them that bojack and sarah lynn went to ohio to find her in the time before sarah lynn overdosed, and the pictures that her classmates took of them could establish a time frame. he was in new mexico when he was supposed to be filming secretariat, and that knowledge could lead to them finding out that he’d been digitally replaced in the movie. when this information gets out, it’s very likely that gina will dogpile onto it w the truth abt what happened on the set of philbert, since trying to conceal her ptsd is actively hurting her acting career bc of the reputation she’s developing as a problem actress, and even though she dznt *want* to be “that girl that got choked by bojack horseman”, she won’t have a choice if she can’t get jobs otherwise. i guess there’s always a chance that penny and charlotte won’t talk to them, but now that hollyhock knows about what happened in new mexico, either way his personal life will be hurt by this. i’m not sure what’ll happen to him professionally, since there’s a recurring point the series has been making w famous people never being held fully culpable for their negative actions, and it’s a dicey thing for them to approach w a character that many viewers find sympathetic without ending on some myopic note abt cancel culture (whether intentionally or by popular interpretation) but im excited

i also hate how my obsessive watching and rewatching of this show meant that the intended pete repeat reveal (like, you’re not supposed to recognize him until his identity becomes obvious through the prom night story) was sort of compromised for me bc i recognized his voice and the second he introduced himself, i placed him IMMEDIATELY but it was still such a great scene. it’s the most tense i remember feeling when watching and an all around great cliffhanger

the final line of e7 comes off as some rly grim foreshadowing–– “it looks like you found solace in our show. stay if you’d like. in 30 minutes, we start over”. but it’s such an incredible line in context. my god, i fucking love this show, you guys

#i might add more to this later but for now

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts.

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

#long post //////#the entire first quarter (at least lol) of my life being Devastated By Abuse means i get to complain about it whenever i feel like it

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lividian · 5 years

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Wat up, I'm here to bitch about stuff.

A good 90% of my life is straight pain and struggle right now. I spend every day trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling, whether that's through sitting on facebook watching slime videos for hours, doing schoolwork for even more hours, or doing regular things and pretending everything is fine. I try to make myself believe that I'm ok. Not say I'm never going to be ok, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the shit life is throwing at me; has been throwing at me, for years.

I took off that mask yesterday, and I feel like I've been emotionally flayed. I'm raw and feeling all those little fragments of emotion I was protecting myself from, all at once. I've been in bed for the past 3 hours or so, thinkin about life and what mine is trying to teach me. Writing helps and I'm really open abt my mental health struggles, so I figured I'd pour it all out on here so maybe it could help someone or something.

A lot of my stressors include other people, so for their privacy, I'm going to use aliases.

Have you ever done something completely against your values/beliefs and wondered what underlying causes made you (re)act that way? I try to think about that often bc it tends to give new perspective and shed light on information necessary for changing those behaviors.

I had a tough childhood and now that I'm older, I can see the impact it's had on me for so long. Even things I can barely remember are reflected in my emotional responses and conscious decisions if I pay enough attention. Bc of the trauma and inconsistent relationship I had with my parents, I have varying degrees of trust issues, problems with relationships (platonic, familial, and romantic), and mental illnesses. I've struggled with behavioral problems for a long, long time. At one point, it was thought I had ODD because of the severity of some of my outbreaks.

Fortunately, some of my more unusual symptoms started showing up as early as 7. I had been placed in the custody of close family a couple years before that, who sought professional help when my depression and visual hallucinations first appeared. I was in counseling from that point on and began seeing psychiatrists at the age of 13, all of that lasted until I turned 19 and lost my medicaid.

Shortly after I started experiencing various mental health problems, I went into sort of a "dark age" and I don't remember much, like there's a big blind spot in my memories. There are some memories that survived and I've clung to, because I don't have much left from that time period. It lasted until about when I started taking psychiatric medications. And about that time, I started to experience extreme mood swings which resulted in damn near anything, from self harm and suicide attempts to violent outbursts and severe paranoia and delusions. These only increased in intensity until I was kicked out at the age of 17.

*I was hurt by that for a long time which fueled poor decision after poor decision, but I have forgiven both myself and my family bc all that anger and pain and guilt was doing was holding me back. I appreciate everything my family has done for me and I hold them very dear to my heart, especially in times of hardship.*

That's some back story for ya. A lot has happened since then, and maybe I'll talk about it some other time, but I'd really like to focus on the present.

My biggest source of pain currently is the fact that my daughter, Acacia, is in one state and I'm in another. I miss her terribly and every day I sit and think about how I've failed her. I want to be a source of joy for her, but right now she's hurting because her mother is gone and she doesn't understand why. We facetime, but she tells me that she doesn't like me and she's sad. It breaks my heart that she's dealing with such big emotions and I can't even be there to comfort her. But I'm also very grateful she's surrounded by people who love her and we can talk every day. It's really hard, and I'm usually in a lot of pain after we hang up, but I will always be there for her. I have to be the mother she needs me to be so I'm going to have to make some tough decisions. I'm not going to talk abt this anymore bc it's too much for me right now.

I'm in another state living with my husband, Onyx, and I feel utterly and completely alone. We left bc we were evicted back home and the only place we could go was his parents'. He shut me out a long time ago, but the homesickness is amplifying my feelings of isolation. Due to some of the toxicity in our relationship, I burned many bridges with friends and family, and aside from my 2 best friends (who I rarely talk to anymore) I have no one. Many days I beg Onyx for affection or communication or some semblance that he still loves me, but my efforts are futile. Weve been having the same fight for nearly half a year. I bring up something that's bothering me, and he becomes angry and says "it's always something", in some form or another I try to remind him that we have to work on the issues in our relationship at some point if we want things to get better, this is where he usually gets defensive and says something something along the lines of "I always need 'more or too much'". From that point, I've learned to just be quiet bc our problems are suddenly my fault and he will do everything in his power to deflect and shame if I try to get him to own up to his negative behaviors that hurt me almost every second.

I saw the red flags a long time ago, but I had hope. Hope that has now completely withered away bc I know he won't change, at least not anytime soon. I can see it in his face when I try to have any form of an adult conversation with him. The way he just barely squints his eyes while I'm talking, the smirk that I try to convince myself isn't real bc it's so slight, the overall look of complete apathy.

I've tried leaving before, several times and one period of 5 months, but I wanted to make things work bc we got married this year. He told me it would make me more consistent and I wouldn't feel like leaving all the time, but let me tell you, I feel like leaving all the time. I've told him about my plans to go back home, without him. I've told him I would stay if he would be a part of this relationship too bc I can't be with someone who is the source of so much of my pain. You know that saying, "you can't make someone love you if they don't want to"? It's true, fucking painfully true. I've found myself holding on to tiny shreds of hope here and there, making myself believe that he'll try in small gestures like a kiss or laying his head on me. But I've been doing that for too long. I have made sacrifices for him over and over to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. I've stopped talking to wonderful ppl bc it made him uncomfortable. I'll admit it, I kissed a guy back the night after we decided to be mutually exclusive. I talked to an ex love interest for a period of time abt how I was struggling in my relationship w Onyx. But I apologized, owned up to those behaviors, and made changes. I don't deserve for those things to be held over my head and brought up in almost every fight bc yes, I fucked up, but I did what I had to do to fix things. At a certain point, you have to be accountable for how you let your hurt and anger manifest.

So now I'm leaving bc I have to get back to my daughter and get in a better environment, but I don't know how or when. Like I said earlier, I ruined a lot of relationships try to preserve the one that was ruining me. But I'm really stuck out here, I've never been able to hold a job in my working career, and even if I could, I'm also taking several online college classes (that's been a bitch too) so I can't work more than part time and even that would jeopardize my mental health. I'm really stuck and so frustrated and I'm sorry that this has been a super long post. Like I said, I'm just bitching about life. I know the most sucky situations bring about the most growth.

For those of you who are curious, my diagnoses are PTSD, atypical OCD, and persistent depression w mood incongruent psychotic features.

Also: Besides being a good talker, I'm also a great listener. If you're struggling right now, I'm here for u.

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mental-health-advice · 3 years

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hi, i think what you’re doing here is really cool <3. i recently got diagnosed with ptsd, and it’s been making me feel absolutely hopeless. when i thought i only had anxiety and depression, i was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but ptsd just feels like a death sentence for my future. i’ve always had big ambitions for my career, but now i’m scared that my ptsd will stop me from getting there. i’m also scared that no one will want to be in a relationship with me once they find out abt my diagnosis. this whole thing just feels like a huge blemish on my life that i’ll always be stuck with. somehow, getting diagnosed is making me feel worse than my trauma itself (at least right now it is). i’m really not comfortable with talking to my friends abt it yet, but i am currently in therapy. i don’t know what to do or what to think, it feels like everything is coming down around me. if it matters at all, i’m currently in high school. - ivy <3

Hey there Ivy,

Firstly, thank you so much for your kind words!

It can be really difficult and scary when we are diagnosed with any mental health illness regardless of what it is and it can be so easy to view it as being a life sentence like you’re experiencing right now. It’s so important to remind yourself though that a diagnosis is purely just something that professionals use to help piece together everything you’re experiencing and your symptoms so they are better able to help and support you through things.

With this being said though, I completely get where you are coming from as I am having similar difficulties like yourself. My psychiatrist is currently referring me to different diagnosis without acknowledging I am my own person with my own struggles and although I may have a specific diagnosis that I have been diagnosed with, it doesn’t change who I am as a person but rather just brings together all of my symptoms I am going through and experiencing so that she has a better idea of what may be most helpful for me in terms of therapy and medications. Does that make sense?

You mentioned that you are currently in therapy. Is this something that you would feel comfortable speaking to your therapist about? It’s completely OK if you’re not at a point of being able to do this too, as remember these things will happen when you feel able to do them and you’re at a point in your recovery where you can! I guess it’s the same in regards to your friends, if you want to talk to them about your mental health and struggles then you will but it has to be when you are ready to do so. This timeline is different for everyone, it could be in a few weeks or months or it may take a lot longer – this is completely OK and normal!

In regards to feeling as though your PTSD is a life sentence for you and that it will greatly affect you and your future life, again it’s important to try and remind yourself that although you may struggle and have PTSD, it doesn’t define who you really are as a person. This stuff can be worked through so that you can and will get to a point in your life where it will no longer affect you as much or stop you from doing the things you really want to in life.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way! You do not have to go through this alone and we are here for you!

I really hope that you are going well and please know that I am thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #Ivy #PTSD #diagnosis #therapy

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vixen-vangogh · 7 years

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polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)

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