#also i can't use the phone so it is literally impossible for myself

[nyrasbloodyclover]

leave it to me (peter maximoff x mutant!reader)

a/n: i forgot i wrote this last summer so here you go! it's literally just flirting + fluff

I layed in my room and watched the fan on my ceiling spin for the last 54 minutes. I wanted to rip my head open and take out my brain. I had so many things to do that i actually didn't know where to start. My room was a fucking mess, piles of clothes were everywhere. I had to sort out my thoughts after getting off the phone call with my mom. (It wasn't pleasant.) I had to get dressed since i was still laying in my underwear and black top. I was exhausted, because I couldn't sleep at all. Oh and i didn't do my homework, so Charles won't be happy about it.

But instead of doing any of that, i counted minutes and stared at the ceiling. Like a fucking genius. My powers were also occupying me— blue stripes sliding down my arms and floating around. They weren't completely useless in this situation—I could use my telekinesis to clean my room, but I was too lazy to even do that. 

Nobody checked on me, which was kind of a relief at first, but now...I wanted somebody to help me. I had so many things to do I was beggining to think it's impossible.

"Open the dooooor," I heard distant voice from the other side. It was Peter. "You've been there for hours, come onnnn!"

Hours? That can't be possible. "I can't get uuuppppp," I returned in the same tone, smile spreading across my face. I loved being in his presence and I wanted nothing more than to open the fucking door, but there was a problem. 

I didn't want him to see this mess.

"Use your powers, stupid." He shouted. 

"Uhhh, I'm naked." I lied unsuccessfully. God, I'm so miserable.

"Now, that was just horrible." And he bursted through the doors. Despite not being fully naked I mentally slapped myself for not at least putting some clothes on. My head was hanging from the bed and i was looking at him upside down.

His eyes were filled with amusement, scanning my current position. I'd probably laugh at myself too.

"What's the problem here?" Then he added, "Besides the obvious..."

I thought I might cry. My eyes were burning. "God, I think I'm the worst student here." I put my hands over my face. "Look at this mess!" I showed around the room.

Worry covered his features ,"Hey, hey, hey! You're not the worst student. Here, I'll help you."

I wanted to hug him so bad. He was the sweetest person I've ever met, truly. But I still felt bad for not doing anything.

I wanted to get up, and help him, but he put his hands on my shoulders, "Leave it to me. Now watch."

Before I even got a chance to protest, he started cleaning everything up.

And for the next 5 seconds I watched him use his super speed, going from one corner to another, putting everything back in it's place. It was really something else.

My room was finally clean. Oh my God I could burst into tears. 

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I jumped from the bed and threw myself at him, hugging him like my life depended on it. He chuckled and hugged me back. 

He whispered, " Now I wish i could also run through your mind, 'cause I know something's bothering you, but unfortunately, I can't." Even that made me smile. 

"It's okay. My room being normal again is enough." I broke the hug, taking my papers that were due tomorrow. "I should probably get to—"

"Oh and I forgot to mention, while I was walking around, I accidentally heard Professor say something about this specific assignment..." He explained, taking the papers from me. Was he sent here to take care of my problems? I really wanted to know.

"No way. What's in it for you?" I asked suspiciously.

"I am in your room. I am talking to you. And you're asking what's in it for me?" He raised his eyebrows and I felt my neck burning. 

"Well if i'm such a prize, you should come here more often." I meant it in a joking way, but it just sounded...wrong.

He smiled, "Oh, I will, don't worry." 

[11queensupreme11]

I promised myself to wait a little more before reading but I couldn't focus when I just knew this was big.

So yeah, I end reading porn while my lecture... no regrets.

Me, reading chapter 31: Percy, your daddy issues are SHOWING my girl.

Can't blame you tho, your dad's hot. He's not a DILF, he's THE DILF, He deserves every capital letter.

Love that crazy blonde, have a special place in my heart.

Grover just got himself a VIP ticket to HELL, my boy, you just got yourself a target in your back and, all satyrs in both worlds are going to suffer for that decision even with Percy's help.

Poseidon promised to do nothing, but the rest of the family didn't

Love it, cause at least they know SOMETHING is happening now, kinda of. Well, now they KNOW she's alive and that's something...

Could be worse, wondering if Grover noticed her dress and what he's going to see about it. She has become a wife/prisoner? she did run away? Percy is using really expensive jewellery like mere rocks and can say something (a god? a god from a different pantheon?)

Anyways, she's now one bad fall from diving into the incest sin and I'm pushing her, after the first wet bed... well, we know they aren't known for their patience.

I'm rotting for Sun Wukong, just imagine what that tail can do 😏😏😏 (for once, I'm not being horny, but imagine him using that tail to push her close and hugging her. I'm a bitch for cuddles, make me blush like no porn has done before).

(Odin, the other way, is a DILF I totally respect ❤️👄❤️)

Chapter 32

Well, I did see this scenery come... but Zeus accusing Hera of being unfaithful? wishing it to be real, maybe with Ganymede, just to add more burn.

Totally deserves it, but you know, isn't happening.

(Sometimes, for a little bit, I feel sad for her. Her husband is The Bitch, has an almost impossible mission and no one is helping her... well, then I remember how she treated her husband's lover, literally kids, how she's just searching for Percy cause she needs her and then I'm fine, totally deserved)

(Now I'm rooting for the RoR gods, not because they're better, just cause at least they're honest about their feelings about humanity and, don't treat their children like guns with discount in Walmart)

Poseidon taking advantages from all his chances to discover new kinks with Percy (*screams, giggles, hides her face*). You're spoiling us, brat taming is my favorite kind of dom/sub smut, so this was gooooooooood for me

Poseidon just making her cry and then making her kiss him? Percy, you're living a wattpad history and is niceeeeee

Percy/Poseidon and Percy/Beelzebub fans, we're winning tonight!!!!

Beelzebub: A life with Percy or no life at all Me: Whatever you say king, I love your crazyness, don't change

He really is ready to save her, no matter if it means she's leaving him... a maturing king, love it.

Okay, we know he'd never send her to another's man arms (Sorry, I always forget his name), but he's TRYING and that's all I ask from him. He's closer than the others...

(Feeling like that TikTok "what if he's the devil? at least the devil has a job")

(What if he's throwing away her chances to go back home, at least he takes her to Midgard dates 🙄🙄🙄🙄)

Yes, I looking throught the BIGGEST red glass, not seeing red flags, just hearts around Beelcy.

Me:

Poseidon for the horny side and Beelcebub for the romantic side ❤️❤️

You know what would be amazing? Nico having to see all of this.

Imagine, the drama.

We know you love the drama queen, don't try to fool me, I know you survive from our tears and horny desires.

(Queen... just wondering... is this a harem history (Percy ends with all the yanderes) or just one of them? cause for now in my mind they have a horary where they share Percy like a divorce child)

Amazing like always ❤️❤️❤️❤️

YOU READ INCEST PORN AND CANNIBALISM DURING YOUR CLASS LECTURE??? 💀💀💀 i could never, i don't have the guts even when my phone has the privacy screen protector thing 😂

also, "all satyrs in both worlds are going to suffer for that decision even with Percy's help." yeah the satyrs in ror verse are still in deep shit even tho percy tried to help them, cuz even though it was only the GREEK council who saw it, this whole thing made BIG NEWS

can you imagine shiva, parvati, kali, and durga's reaction to hearing that percy was "violated" by an unknown satyr IN HER DREAMS?

or loki's reaction? or literally any god that knows about her and likes her???? or just gods in general (especially the protector of children gods) 💀💀💀 like, satyrs already have a terrible reputation, but to target a "one year old" daughter of poseidon IN HER DREAMS (which is unheard of for satyrs to be capable of, which makes it even more terrifying)???? they're FUCKED 💀💀💀

pan and dionysus are gonna have to put them into hiding or something lmao

there's more posy coming in in the futre, and as for beelzebub, he's just digging a deeper and deeper grave for himself lmao. he is singlehandedly ruining his own ship 😭😭😭 but at least he still has beelcy shippers on his side 💀

[jgroffdaily]

A late SXSW interview with the cast of ‘A Nice Indian Boy’, including:

Was that was that some added appeal: getting to marry Kristoff from Frozen?

Karan Soni: It was. We can't imagine having done it with anyone but Jonathan. We're a real life couple of them, and when you're making a movie, you're just hoping it gets made. So, you don't think about all the weirdness that's going to happen in a shoot potentially…

And then as it was getting closer for me personally, I was like, "Oh, gosh, like this is a little bit weird that this is happening." And then we met Jonathan, and we literally were both in love with him. I like to say we formed an emotional throuple. We truly feel like he's our emotional third, and we couldn't have done it with anyone else. Yeah, it was very easy to work with them.

Roshan Sethi: ... The only time that it became a little odd was the sex scene. That was a little weird, because I was directing the specifics of it to Jonathan and Karan, with the crew and the intimacy coordinator. The whole thing was really weird.

But again, I couldn't have imagined it with anyone other than Jonathan, because it is actually impossible to be threatened by Jonathan. He's the kindest, gentlest person. Everybody says it about him, and you assume that they're just insincere things being said in press, but he is literally the nicest person in the world. And he acts in no way as if he's aware of his fame or his many talents. He's just so gentle and easy to be around, so he made that very easy.

Karan, the chemistry between you and Jonathan feels effortless, even when like it's supposed to be a little bit awkward between you two at the beginning. Can you talk about what you guys did behind the scenes to achieve that?

Karan Soni: We didn't really do anything. Having done a few things, it seems like if you like the other person as a person, you just hope the camera will pick it up. At least acting-wise, I'm never doing anything particularly specific, but it helps if you like the person. Then, if the writing is good and everything else is good, sometimes the scene naturally lends towards that. But I always feel that I don't know if it's going to be good or not until you watch it and you see it.

Roshan, Jonathan, and I had dinner about a year before we made the movie in New York. It was a four-hour dinner, and we were laughing like, "God, it would be really nice if we got to make this with him. And then cut to: he arrived and we went right into shooting.

I think the thing that really helped was the first scene we ever shot with him was when I bring him home. There was that awkwardness, and Jonathan had just gotten off a plane because he was doing Doctor Who. It wasn't even 12 hours later that we were shooting that huge family scene with all of us and him coming, and I think the awkwardness of doing that first [helped]. If we had to do the proposal or something first, I think I would have been like, "Let's figure this out. But I think because we started with that scene, I felt a little bit of an ease into getting to work with him. And then everything felt easy after that.

Roshan Sethi: It's hard to explain, but Jonathan's constantly connecting, and he's totally present. He's never on his phone, and it takes him three weeks to respond to a text, but if you're sitting next to him in the cast room or the greenroom or anywhere? He is just locked in with you. That's to anybody, so I think you guys built a very close connection very quickly in part because that is his nature to connect with people.

Zarna Garg: I think I wanted to be resistant at first, and it was part of the storyline. My son in the movie, Naveen, is a doctor also while Jay is an artist. I had to work on myself to be like, "It's okay. It's okay. It's just a movie." But because Jonathan is who he is, and he is so exceptionally charming, I think we got there very quickly.

Karan Soni: The only things Zarna doesn't agree with Jonathan on - if I may say - is that he's currently doing Broadway and theater. And she doesn't think it's lucrative enough, so she's not okay with that life choice. But everything else is okay.

Zarna Garg: But it felt so real. It felt like a movie whose time has come. And of course, this team right here? Led by a doctor - what more could you want in your first movie? Jonathan Groff added that little extra spice. Singing in Hindi? The world is not prepared for that.

Sunita Mani: We're calling him Jonathan Groff. He's Jonathan Groff in the movie; not a character.

[bxngthedoldrums]

a petekey reading of so much (for) stardust

aka you knew i'd do this aka i didnt take four literature classes in college for nothing aka make sure your tinfoil hat is SECURED to your noggin aka dear lord forgive me for committing sins of petekey in the year of 2023

look. i have to do this or i don't deserve this blog. amen

~ love from the other side

okay. yea, immediately the "you were the sunshine of my lifetime" thing is sort of sus, because we all know pete wentz and anytime sun or summer is involved it's Something. this is solidified in "summer falling through our fingers again" in verse 2, but it's interesting that he uses "ours" in this lyric bc i feel like recently most of pete's summer lyrics have been pretty self-inflicted. it's impossible to not note the whole "inscribed like stone and faded by the rain" in the bridge v. "the tombstones were waiting" line in bang the doldrums. i shant even elaborate u can pick up what i'm laying down!

~ heartbreak feels so good

i think this song is pretty light on petekey imagery but "light from a screen of messages unsent" kinda reminds me of "some nights it gets so bad i almost pick up the phone" in ginasfs but i could be reaching for Sure. let's be real that's all i do

~ hold me like a grudge

honestly i think this is one of the worst petekey offenders on the album. this one had me gawking at my screen as i read the lyrics. "thaw out my freezer burn feelings for twenty summers" ??? be SERIOUS pete... "part-time soulmate, full-time problem" yeah I GET IT I GET IT !!! the whole thing reeks of 2005 summertime fling

~ fake out

"do you laugh about me whenever i leave?" bonkers ass line,,this reminds me of pete's lj writing in those years after 2005,,,"my mood board is just pictures of you, but i'm not sad anymore" YEAH. this is SO pete holy fuck. that classic wentz obsession,,"we did for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never gonna change" this line's got me on the fuckin FLOOR. also classic pete!!! his perchance for nostalgia is just insane and he really feels it huh

~ heaven, iowa

i dont even know how to get into this one. "kiss my cheek, baby, please/would you read my eulogy?" SICK and TWISTED evil!!! evil!!! "i will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me" jesus h christ the melancholy is off the charts but holy fuck this song is so,,,tender? i dont know wht to say but i know this was written w summer of love intention. i know this in my heart. "scar-crossed lovers, forever" OKAY I KNOW !!! this song is DEVASTATING verse 2 is fucked UP and the bridge is too!!! "closed my eyes inside your darkness and found your glow"???? i cantr og on

~ so good right now

i can't really discern any particularly petekey lyrics in this one right away but the whole "i cut myself down to be whatever you need me to be" is pretty fucking wild

~ i am my own muse

there's some really sad lyrics in this one ab the whole future-not-going-as-planned thing that comes up so frequently in pete's writing but honestly the whole "let's twist the knife again, twist the knife again like we did last summer" thing made my head explode. every lover's got a lil dagger in their hands!!!

~ flu game

im not gonna sit here and type out ths whole fucking song but oh my GOD bro. this song to me is a really nice callback to pete's older style of lyricism but that comes with the self-deprecation and all the other really sad shit. it's beautiful! it's horrible! i love it!!! its about mikey i cant even pul out a few lyrics just LISTEN

~ baby annihilation

another fucked up one that literally anyone else in fob should have vetoed but OKAY?? "time is luck and i wish ours overlapped more or for longer" MAN SHUT UP. "self sabotage at best, under your spell/but you know what they say, if you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself" ..........dude. if you're like me and you've poured over pete's oooold lj posts from the mid 2000s you already get it, but if you havent,,,go do it and get back to me bc this is TOO MUHC im unwell. "what is there between us if not a little annihilation?" i think i hauve covid

~ the kintsugi kid (ten years)

this song is really fucking sad actually. there's so much fear of being forgotten on this album and it's showcased really beautifully in this song,,,mayhaps not the most obviously petekey song but god damn

~ what a time to be alive

this song's about covid and quarantine n it's pretty easy on the whole suffering from a fling in 2005 thing! good job pete and fob

~ so much (for) stardust

this song is kinda suspicious but there's very few lines that really solidify it as a petekey song,,, altho "i think i've been going through it, and ive been putting your name through it" is a really interesting lyric. and OF COURSE, "in another life, you were my babe/in another life, you were the sunshine of my lifetime" happy xmas war is over

[apricotbuncakes]

I Need Top Surgery ASAP

My dysphoria is off the charts. I've been doing literally anything I can to reduce the dysphoria around my chest but it is way too costly for me to buy trans tape that doesn't work well for me and chest binders that stretch out even with proper washing. Binding regularly makes it near impossible to breath and with my job as a lifeguard it's really unsafe to bind because of how hot the pool room is and the physical demand of the job. I end up having to bind anyway though because daily dysphoria is more crippling than milder dysphoria and some breathing troubles.

I've wanted top surgery since I was 14. For years I've had dreams of getting top surgery and crying when I wake up because it wasn't real. Now at 20 the possibility is finally here to make my dreams come true, for me to resolve my chest dysphoria and back pain, to make me feel more comfortable as myself. I've needed top surgery for YEARS but am just now reasonably able to get it.

If you donate ANY amount of money (a few cents, a dollar, five, ten, twenty, whatever!!) to this gofundme you will get your name personally written on a trans flag that I will share online! Anonymous donors will have their own section of the flag so you can still get recognition without your name being displayed publicly! So far the GoFundMe has raised $255! Through my own savings, the total money saved is a bit past $310.

Can't donate? Reblog, repost this GoFundMe to other platforms. Share with friends who may be able to financially contribute. Just share it around (and be sure to link the GoFundMe too!!).

More Info:

I realize some people are hesitant to just donate money to those they don't know so my ask box is open for any questions you might have about the GoFundMe, but I'll go over the broad strokes here too!

"Do you have someone willing to perform the surgery on you?"

I already have a surgeon willing to perform top surgery on me AND a therapist willing to write a letter to said surgeon to also verify that this surgery is appropriate for me!

"Why is it so expensive?"

The surgeon I chose has told me the price for the surgery itself is $8,500 BUT! My goal is $10,000 because of other costs associated with the surgery! Things like aftercare supplies (things to help with scarring, comfort items, etc), bills (car, phone, pet supplies, student loans) that I won't be able to earn the money for during recovery, and after surgery visits. There are other smaller expenses to take into account as well that I haven't listed. All of those things cost A LOT. I likely won't be able to work for a few months after surgery due to not only recovery time but also my line of work, which is why I'm including them in the surgery cost. All of these things have to be taken into account for the pricing, hence why my goal is $10,000.

"Why can't you just go through your insurance?"

The fuckers gave me an out of date list of surgeons in my area, most of which don't specialize in top surgery or related procedures, and SEVERAL of the surgeons on there are actually deceased. They have been of no further help on this. Of the surgeons eligible on the list, ONE responded (and he was an absolute dick who told me I had to lose weight before he would even consider performing it on me). They also have a load of requirements like being a whole year on HRT (I'm only 7 months at the end of April 2024), having a certain BMI (a bullshit requirement for ANYTHING), and a handful of other factors that I wouldn't be able to meet reasonably soon Truly, out of pocket is the safest and best option for me.

"Why can't you just get a breast reduction?"

What's the point of a reduction if I'm going to bind what's left anyway? I don't want my breasts. They distress me and make me dysphoric. Top Surgery is the best option for me.

"What happens if you don't need all the money you raised?"

In the unlikely event that I don't need all the money I'm asking for, I will likely use it for other important things in my life or donate the money to someone else who needs top surgery. I'll likely donate through GoFundMe, but I'll look around locally too in case there's someone who needs money in my community.

My ask box is open if you have any other questions not addressed here.

[loser-female]

Since I need to distract myself a bit let me talk about

~✨Risk Management ✨~

So, y'all have read the interview of the CEO or something like that of the company that owned the submarine, yeah? He said something like "at a certain point security is useless".

I work in security (ok, cybersecurity but) so I'd like to get on the occasion to explain to everyone what risk is and how it works.

PSA: I'm not defending the guy, i don't care. This is just me taking the ball to explain something. Idk what he meant, I didn't read the whole interview and this is not about the submarine incident.

So, let me define risk first as:

Likehood * Impact

Likehood is the probability that something could happen.

Impact is the damage you get if that thing happens.

Risk is generally classified according to tables similar to this one.

If you're doing a good job you are probably going to create one of this personalised for each "thing" you need to assess.

The thing is: when we assess a risk we need to consider a few things:

What's the worst case scenario?

Do we have a "back-up" plan if things go wrong (-> limits the impact)

What are the most important asset for this thing we want to assess? (Helps identify the impact)

What is the probability that a villain could access the assets? What kind of tools would they need?(likehood)

Is there something we can do about this?

And other things. I'm trying to keep it very generic.

Then we proceed. After we evaluated the risk(s) we could face, we have four choices:

Avoid the risk -> obvious right? We take the steps to eliminate the risk completely;

Mitigate the risk -> reducing the likehood or the impact by taking several measures

Transfer the risk -> you hire someone that takes the risk for you (insurance, anyone?)

Accept the risk.

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but think about it for a second.

You own a car. You did all the controls you could do and consider yourself a moderate and careful driver(mitigation), have a insurance (transference), leave the phone in the backseat (avoidance... kinda)but there is still a residual risk of having an incident, despite all the countermeasures you took.

You can decide to not drive at all, that would land the risk to 0, but you need to go to work, right?

Is reasonable at this point for you to... Not drive entirely? Some of you might say no, for various reasons: it's irrational, need to go to work, you can't use a bike because it's too far...

Companies do the same when evaluating risks. They might decide that, to them, action X doesn't represent a threat (small impact or extremely low likehood).

Consider also that in cybersecurity every layer of defense you create it's literally making someone's job more difficult. Sometimes it's worth it (consider the case of assets that handle personal data or credit card information), sometimes after you did all the assesment you find out that the level of sophistication an attack would require is such improbable, expensive, impractical that you don't take any measure to fix it.

(I recommend the Darknet Diaries "Jeremy from Marketing" episode - it's a really interesting example of what I'm talking about specifically)

Most of the time risks are being mitigated - avoiding a risk entirely is often impossible or would require too much resources. I have a post on "accessibility for the users and security" to write for my cybersecurity portfolio since last year but ok I guess.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk about something no one cares about but I found incredibly interesting.

[jils-things]

happy new year! ; my farewell letter to 2023.

last year, ive written a similar farewell letter to 2022 and i want to make this a little tradition - so here's my second one <3

okay, so - wow. first of all, just wow.

this might be incredibly bold to say, but i think this has been my best year to be alive (i promise you i do not want to sound corny about it, but i really think 2023 was amazing for me.) of course, many things happened. im at my last year of senior high before i go to college, which is very scary but i hope i can be brave for it. school has been actually very generous to me recently, despite a few minor setbacks that looked very major when i was going through it, but overall it was very generous to me. but irl rambling is boring, so let's talk about my selfshipping blog!

last year, i had a verrrry firm grip on a previous f/o that im 100% sure old followers know - though im a little sad I can't find that spark to focus on him again - the shift in media has helped me find new f/os that i can say has been incredibly memorable to me. as we all know, im in a very INSANE pokemon brainrot since november or october(?) of 2022 and it has still remained heavily active in my head right now - which i honestly didn't even know i had the full capacity of doing! I don't know what magic this game did to me but i promise you im so happy i revisited this game again.

i would talk about how grateful i am to everyone has been supportive and sweet about my romantic f/os but i think the best highlight of my blog is my newfound love for my familial f/os - before that, i never had a single one on my list because i was simply quite disconnected to the family love concept, but after indulging myself in pokemon - i would come to discover pokemon adve.ntures, or poke.spe for short hehe. i have so many fond memories of finding myself wanting to read more and MORE - i would have every chapter downloaded beforehand just so that i can read it in my spare time, not even school that demanded my attention would stop me from sneaking my phone to quickly read through the manga LMAOO - but consuming the media itself wasn't enough, i needed people to understand the ROLLERCOASTER of emotions i had while reading and well, i think its very clear who those people were, the ones who came to save my miserable ass from (insert shocking scene in poke.spe) AHSJHSHSJSJS you know who you are and i appreciate you forever and they - i kid you not, helped me create something wonderful!

but of course, the video games were just as amazing. would you believe me if i told you i played gens 1 to 7 in one year? that's how much i adore the game and i still have yet to catch up to other games like the spin offs :] im not sure how to end this statement but. im so happy appleshipping and memoryshipping exists 🥹 i usually don't like thinking that they'll be with me forever because i believe nothing lasts for eternity but i just wanna say that they were just ... im just so contented 🥹 again, all of this actually would not have been so impactful to me if it weren't for my awesome mutuals hearing me out about it and supplying me with even more ideas - these mutuals would also end up becoming such loving friends of mine that helped me get out of my comfort zone and im still happy they're around (hi guys!) 💚

oh! and, what a surprise, i never thought id have an oc f/o! i initially thought that this was so impossible to do but?!??;?! it just happened i guess!!!! i keep surprising myself this year 😭

ok now here's the obligatory art summary for the year 💥

literally the best thing i ever done with my art is try using csp and it actually really helped me change the way i draw, and i even managed to cross out a few items in my last year's resolution thanks to it! i still bounce between using ibispaint and csp but i certainly improved!

the last thing im forever grateful about are the people who has been consistently supportive of my art - especially the commissions, i can't stress it enough how much it has helped me outside and it allowed me to go beyond my comfort zone when it comes to my drawing skills :']] thank you all so much

and finally, big thank you to everyone who sent me nice letters to my tree 🥹💚 its a gentle reminder that im actually ... pretty cool ig 🥹 and if you didn't send one, that's also ok!! you're still cool for reading this mwamwa

again im so bad at ending posts like these but cheers to a new year and let's hope it'll be better for everyone. 💚🫡 goodbye 2023!

[zuzsenpai]

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

[faegoddessog]

 Seventy Two Hours of Bliss Ch. 38/41

Chapter 38: Letters from the Ice

Chapter Warnings: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only, talk about masturbation, separation angst,

Series Masterlist 

Series Summary:

You are neighbors with Austin Butler on the Gold Coast of Australia just prior to shooting Elvis. You become just friends because he is taken. However, after he is single again, you both find out just how attracted you are to one another and things get unrelentingly hot.

SERIES WARNING: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only,  here there be lemons.

Authors Notes: I started writing this while remodeling my kitchen, so that informed the slightly quirky narrative. It starts slow, but once it heats up, it is on fire. I have tried to pull facts from RL as much as I could, but obviously there are some assumptions and flat out dreamy wishes  involved here. 

Chapter 38: Letters from the Ice

8.25.2020

Hey babe! 

So, yay email! Hopefully this will work for us. :) But the internet is SO SLOW. Even with barely anyone here it took 10 min for my email to load. I am told by the winterers that trying to upload a video is all but impossible. But a picture *can* go through. Thank the local deity that we don’t have to super old school it and use carrier penguins! Yay! Well we finally made it to McMurdo. I can’t believe it’s been a whole month since I’ve seen you, well except for the phone calls in Christchurch. It feels like the band aid is really ripped off now. I’m just trying to breathe through it. I hope you are staying busy or at least distracted. I am excited to finally be here after 5 days of delayed flights as is the rest of my group. We’ve taken to calling ourselves a flock. I have no idea why. So I’ve got a room all to myself right now, but we’ll see how many people show up for the mainbody season in October, I may or may not have a roommate. So, there I was trying to get settled and I opened my big suitcase and found the books and the dark chocolate and the candles and the little bottle of essential oil blend. Fuck it smells like you. It made me cry and smile at the same time. Thank you baby. This is a classic pic me in front of the station sign. It looks darker than it was, but we only had 4 hours of sunlight and there was a storm coming. Wow, I thought I'd been through blizzards at home. This was nothing compared to what they got here! I’d send you a photo. But it’s literally just white.

I do have a confession to make. You remember that freakin’ hot phone sex we had during my quarantine? Yeah… um.. I recorded the audio, yup, every time. I’m gonna listen to your amazing voice telling me to touch myself. I think I’ll lube up my butt plug you gave me and push it into my ass imagining it’s you. Fuck I miss you. I miss your body next to mine at night and your cock in me in the morning. I love you Aus, I miss you. All the kisses for you. ~Your Kitten

8/26/20

Kitten!!!  I’m so stoked that we still get to keep in touch. Even if only over email. That pic of you in front of the sign feels surreal. I can't even tell it's you with all the layers! The landscape looks so desolate. I’m so glad you found my gifts, that’s just stuff I don’t like to live without, kinda like you. I’m not liking living without you. Although I’m STILL finding post-it notes. You little fiend, putting them in all my clothes. Makes me smile and cry too. I did get some exciting news though. Baz, as you know, has been checking up on me since you left. I really love him, he is such a marvelous soul. Anyway he told me yesterday that we will start rehearsals next week and filming is slated to start up again in mid to late September. Thank God, I gotta have something to focus on other than this empty apartment. I’m just waiting for the rest of the crew to get back in country, then I’ll be too busy to think. Also, I’m gonna talk to your Uncle Roy this week and make sure I can still stay here. Baz says the studio will give me a stipend for the apartment and I’ll just pass that along to him. That reminds me, Kate said she had not seen anything related to us from Marissa’s channel and that she would be willing to have a meeting with her, but she won’t make any guarantees. I have a confession too, I went and developed those couple rolls of film we'd taken. It was so fucking sad that you weren’t there to play with while I waited for them to dry. Anyway, You know how I wasn’t sleeping in our bedroom yet? Well, I put the photos I took of you up all over our bedroom and it finally let me sleep in there alone, although I might’ve cried myself to sleep just a little. When I woke up hard I had those gorgeous pictures of you in that black dress to jerk off to. Fuck you are hot and fuck I miss you so much. Oh my god, just reading that you are fucking your ass with my butt plug has me hard, you are such a naughty Kitten. I might have to keep track of how naughty you are and punish you accordingly when I see you next. I wish you were here to suck this hard cock right now. I think when I finish I’ll stroke myself while looking at those closeups of you and imagine your luscious lips wrapped around me. I’d send you a pic of it, but I’m terrified it could get out somehow. I love you more, I miss you terribly, only 187 more days to go.. Roughly. ~Your Aus

9.20.20

Hello my love,  So how’s things? Are you ready? I’m so excited for you to start filming again. You got this babe! I believe in you! (forehead kisses) There were satellite issues again when I tried to call you last night. I’m so sad we keep getting hosed on our phone calls. Soon you’ll be too busy to take a call from me! We are pretty solidly in the groove of our workday, that’s 6 days a week. I’m on the day shift right now and it’s been a bunch of maintenance checks and rebuilds on buildings and answering calls for service. There is a big build that got delayed due to covid, but we will be starting on that pretty soon. The food is surprisingly good. The galley really loves their themes. Taco Tuesday, Asian Nights, Sunday Brunch. The pizza is pretty good too! It’s not a woodfired oven made by the hands of angels good, but when you want pizza, it’ll do. Made a good group of friends, though we are all weird misfits here it seems. Do you remember when people had to talk to each other instead of stare at their phones? It’s like that here, since there isn’t wifi, not that it would work right. It’s amazing how old school it feels, it’s kind of wonderful. Probably sounds like torture to you my shy, introverted darling.

Most of the people here are guys. It’s like 70/30. I’m the only woman in my department, not like that’s new to me. The first day I showed up for work the foreman asked if I was in the wrong place. They tried to give me shit at first until I out-hammered them all in a nailing race. Just a dumb little competition thing. But it stopped them from fucking with me. Yeah, I know my stuff assholes! Lol! Now we are all good. Except for Joe, I do not like Joe. He just rubs me wrong and won’t let the girl thing go. We may have to have a little come-to-Jesus meeting during which I emasculate him with the claw on my purple hammer! The other women I’ve met have also been surprised by the overall disappointing behavior from some of these guys. There is a saying on the ice- “Antarctica: Full of badass women and mediocre men.” This is true. Not all the guys are that way though, some of them are nice and those are the ones that get laid. Yeah, there are a lot of hookups happening and there are free condoms, like, everywhere. No one here is as interesting or as sexy as my man though. Plus, you spoiled me with not having to use condoms. I miss your skin on mine, I miss your lips on mine, I miss your cock in my mouth. Since I don’t have a roommate yet, I think I’ll light your candle, put on the sexy music playlist we used to fuck to and add some of that EO to my wrists. I’m going to suck on my dildo. I’ll start slow just licking the tip, I’ll imagine your hand in my hair and your sky blue eyes watching every flick of my tongue. I’ll make sure my lips are good and wet before I slide it down my throat. And I’ll be fucking myself with my vibrator, the one that's curved. The only thoughts I'll have in my mind are ‘it’s your cock in my mouth, it’s your hand on my pussy, it’s you, it’s you, it’s you’. I’m gonna cum so hard, moaning around your imagined cock in my mouth, I may have to do it twice. God I miss you. Tell me more about how you jerk off to pictures of me, that is so damn hot. I’m just imagining you stroking yourself, playing with the tip a little. Damn. ~Your Slutty Kitty

 9/22/20

My bad, bad Kitty, I do not know how you do it, but are you aware of how fucking sexy you are? Even just via email you get me so riled up. How do you take the mere 26 letters of the alphabet and make them into these sexy fucking pictures in my head?! I miss my cock in your mouth too, I miss you laying out on the bed with your legs wide and my head buried between them. I don’t have anything to lick and pretend is your pussy, but I promise I will make up for it when I see you next. Oh lord I gotta go take care of this massively hard co

9/22/20

Hey love,  Sorry, I hit send without meaning to! You got me so hot I wasn’t thinking clearly. It didn’t take me long baby, I used that coconut oil from just before you left. The scent totally put me right back there with you on your knees devouring my cock. That reminds me, I need to get that dress dry-cleaned… It’s stopped smelling like you now so… I suppose it’s time. I’m ready- ish, the last 6 months made me feel like all the Elvis sunk into my bones. I’ve been working like a fiend with Baz and Polly and Irene and Erik. They have all commented on how it’s different now, more natural. My day is so full of Elvis again it’s hard to think about anything else. I’m so nervous all over again. I’m waking up at 3 again. I miss you. Not just for the sex baby, but you. You make me better. Please keep trying to call, my PA on set will have my phone when I don’t. I put one of your pics up in my trailer, btw, one of the clothed ones. I kiss my fingers and touch it every time I leave and say hello to it when I come in. People that see me do it still don't know who you are, (Baz and Tom are good secret keepers). That last article with the pics of you and I at the airport really threw them all off. I think Kate told me that the paps were searching the passenger lists for all outgoing planes to Europe that day to see if they could figure out who you were. It's fun to keep them guessing. I totally get the hooking up, happens on set too. People are people. I’m not worried about you Kitten. How’s your demon though… she doin’ ok? Getting out of hand at all… pun intended! Ok, early call in the morning. I love you so much. 160 days +/- ~ton Roi

10.11.20

My darling man,  FUCK I am still riding the high from talking to you last week! I can’t believe I caught you in your trailer too! I’m sorry I couldn’t play sexy games back with you because the phone was too public on my end. I loved you telling me how you were stroking yourself though and how you came on your stomach. I went right back to my room, to rub one out. Damn. Luckily my new roommate was at work. She asked me when she moved in why I had a pic of you and me on the wall by my desk. I told her I was in love with you. It was so funny, she sat down on the couch and started talking about you like we were in middle school. ‘ He’s so dreamy and I hear he broke up with his girlfriend and is dating a French woman!’ “was that the only time you met him?” Oh my god, it was all I could do to not laugh in her face. I’m sorry baby, I had to tell her. I hope you aren’t mad! I still don’t think she believes me, even after I showed her pictures of us (appropriately clothed of course). I appreciate you asking after that sexy bitch in my head. She is doing fine, staying on her lead. None of these people would satisfy her anyway. She’s too far gone for you. :) My daily horniness level has chilled out since I’ve not been getting fucked by you on the regular, though there are times! Oh and fun news! I’m going to be setting up a few field camps in a couple weeks, so I won’t be in touch much after halloween -ish. But I WILL be out on the literal ice. Think warm thoughts for me! At least I will get away from Joe! He is still a dick.

~your naughty Kitten (for different reasons)

10/12/20

Kitten,  Of course I’m not mad! Once you are back I want the whole world to know that you are mine and I am yours. Also, Kate set up a meeting with your cousin Marissa. I talked to her and got her info when I talked to Uncle Roy. (He still refuses to let me pay him.) Kate was impressed by her and is planning on offering her a paid internship. Love you baby, go conquer that ice! ~Aus

(Please read the following letter with a deep southern accent of yore) Twenty fifth day of October in the year of our Lord two thousand twenty My darling Austin, I pray that this electronic mail finds you healthy and hale. I have been feeling dashed about by the trials and travails of my good work here on the deep continent. We no longer are a sleepy little hamlet of a mere 200 people. Oh no! A veritable influx of learned people hath arrived, swelling our little cold town to over 800! The light has arisen indeed as we currently receive a joyful 15 hours of sunlight each blessed day. My dear roommate Tabitha seems to have accepted the love that exists between us, my dear Austin, since she overheard our delightful conversation on the telephone a scant few days ago. Indeed it seems she has spread our information to the other members of the kitchen staff as one of the good ladies asked me about it the other day as I procured my nourishment. The person in question didn’t know you, but was happy to know I was dating someone, since apparently the rumor had been circulating that I was a person uninterested, sexually that is. The very idea! My darling Austin, I shall be leaving in two days time for my quest on the ice. It will be my pleasure to erect structures providing temporary shelter from which the good men and women of science may illicit new and exciting information about this oft times perplexing world that humanity calls home. And before you query, yes, I must confess my dear Mr. Butler, I have been imbibing in the devil's drink and yes my loins still burn for you. Pray for me, dear man, that I may endure such hardships that may come and be delivered forthwith into your awaiting arms. With all my love and tenderness. Miss Kitten P.S. Sorry about drunk-as-fuck girl up there, she is just being silly. Can’t wait to fuck your brains out again! Love you -She Demon

10/26/20

Kitten,  You are so weird. I fucking love it and you. I’m so glad you are mine. Filming is so far so good. I barely have time to think, which is perfect. Also, I was eating a mango in the kitchen last night. You know how you cut the side off and score it then turn it inside out? Well, I decided just to eat it off the rind like that, instead of cut the chunks out. And all of a sudden it was like eating your dripping pussy. I am slightly ashamed to say that I dropped my pants right there and jerked off with the coconut oil. The juice was dripping down my chin and chest and onto my cock. Oh, My. God. It was the best one yet. I’ll have to do it for you (to you?) when you get back. Needless to say, a whole new world has opened up to me. I WILL be buying more mangoes. I may not be able to see one without getting aroused from here on out. I think I’ll go have the other half now…

Good luck doing bang! bang! construction things on the ice! Stay safe and warm. I’ll talk to you when you get back. Forever yours- Austin

10.27.20

Aus-  Oh, Mangoes… Damn. Now I fucking want mangoes. Freshies are like currency down here, I haven’t seen a mango though. Just so you know, that last letter was a bet between me and Tabs. We did karaoke that night and I got a little sloshed and started talking in accents. She didn’t think I would do it. Lol! I tried calling you a few min ago, but no answer. I’m leaving in an hour. I’ll email and try to call when I’m back! Oh and come to find out that Joe thought he was flirting with me the whole time, he likes me. Was about to pull my pigtails, I suspect. Boys are so weird. I confronted him and he confessed he was crushing on me pretty hard. I told him about you ( not by name) and that I wasn’t available (plus I would fucking break him). He seems to have backed off and will hopefully treat me like a person. So yay! Growth! Love you tons, Tally ho! Kitten

10/28/20

Darling,  It breaks my heart that I missed hearing your voice. I really needed it too. We filmed some gut wrenching stuff this week and I just needed you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Austin 124 +/-

 11.22.20

Sweet, sweet man, I love you too! I’m sorry you had a tough week and I wasn’t there for you. I promise after this, I will never be more than a text away from you again. I hope it’s gotten better! I’m going to try calling tonight when I get off work. Thank god I’m back though! We had a crazy, crazy time. We got caught in a freak storm at Amundsen-Scott. We were supposed to be there for like a day to get supplies and such. We ended up there for 5 days! But after that things cleared up, it was amazing. We set up 5 different camps. Everything from simple temporary polar escapes on wooden platforms to actual shelters that will have to stand up for the rest of the season if not longer. One was at a penguin rookery! They were adorable and came right up to us! Miss you love, hopefully we will talk soon! ~Kitten

11/23/20

Babe,  Those pictures with you and the penguins are unreal! I can't believe they just walked up to you. It blows my mind that anything can live down there. How are things with Joe? Did he actually change his behavior? I would say ‘do you need me to come down there?’ but I know you got this, my amazing, strong sexy beast of a woman. I hope I can pick up when you call next. Missing hearing your voice broke my heart. ~Aus 98+/- (Why is this taking so damn long! You should be in my arms.)

 12.14.20

Dear darling Austin, Thank god we got to talk last week, I was really worried about you. Digging into the pain about your mom… I just wish I was there to hold you tight, like she would’ve been. I know I didn’t know her, but from everything you’ve said, I know I would have adored her. (hugs, hugs and more hugs) I got your package yesterday! I opened it without thinking, thank god all the things in it were wrapped! Except for the mangoes… fuck baby. They are perfectly ripe right now, if a little frozen. I’m gonna go eat some mango pussy. Would you like that? watching me eat pussy….

Did you get my package yet? It might be a bit silly. But you can open it when you get it. :) We have been digging into this new building since I got back. The guys worked on all the steel pieces and I’m lead on the framing team. It’s definitely different from what I’ve been used to doing. But I’m finding that all my skills are actually helpful because I know the pieces that come next, so I don’t let the crew fuck things up for the electricians and plumbers and drywallers that will be coming behind us in the future. I miss you baby, I know we keep saying that to each other, so much that it’s like saying something over and over again and the shape of it feels odd in your mouth all of a sudden. But even though I have made great friends here and am in a routine that pulls me from day to day, it would be perfect if you were here with me. With you on my arm, no one would try to pull my pigtails! Love you with all my heart ~Kitten

12/25/20

Baby Doll,  Merry Christmas!! Babe, I did get your package, and I didn’t open in until this morning. Why would you say it’s silly? It’s amazing. You painted this? I am going to take it in and have it framed so I can hang it up. Wow. If you ever wanted to stop doing construction, you could be a professional artist. Tom and Rita have invited a bunch of us up to their place for dinner. I’m about to go get ready but just wanted to tell you that yes, I get it. Saying it gets old, but it doesn't mean we don’t feel it still. Yeah, mom would’ve adored you right back. I fucking miss you. I fucking love you. And holy fuck yes on watching you eat pussy, mango or otherwise.

66 days +/- (can we make time move faster?) ~Your own personal elf- Austin

12.25.20

Dear Austin,  Merry Christmas!! I loved your gifts, they are perfect for here! Lip balm and sunscreen and the warmest, silliest socks. That mini humidifier is sitting on my bedside table as we speak! The running gloves for under my big ones are going to be a game changer! Now I can do fiddly bits without my fingers getting cold! Although it’s a ridiculously balmy 25 degrees Celsius out there right now. I don’t even bring my red parka out right now! Today I joined the Antarctic Polar bear club. Yup I plunged into barely above freezing water in my underwear, no not the unicorn ones, I actually had some polar bear ones I brought just for this! I was nothing if not on theme! It was fucking cold. And exhilarating! But I’m not sure I want to do it again. Luckily we went right into the sauna to warm up! Love you ever so much, give Tom and Rita my love! ~Your Xmas Kitten

1/1/21

My sweet Kitten, Thank you for the phone call, oh my god I needed it. I’m feeling so worn out, even though we kinda had this week off and I’ve been just sleeping as much as I can and going to the beach with other cast members, it’s just not the same without my best girl next to me. (that’s you, btw) I wish I had you with me last night to kiss. I did end up kissing Olivia, but it was just a new years eve peck thing, plus it’s not like we’ve not kissed on set. Is that weird for you? I’ve never asked you about it. Love you so much, it hurts. I def need a kiss on my heart. 59 days +/- ~Yours, Austin

1.3.21

Austin, When I see you, you are gonna get all the kisses on every part of you. Real talk babe: where I’d like to be there to remind you what my kisses are like and reap the benefits if you get turned on, kissing on set doesn't bug me, that’s just part of acting. Didn’t Elvis kiss like all the girls in the audience? Super-spreader much? Ha! TBH, I pecked a few people too when we counted down to midnight. How do you feel about that? Wow, that looks super passive aggressive. I’m def not meaning it that way. Just wondering cuz we’ve never talked about it and I don’t think our games with Loki or ‘the guy from Brisbane’ count as talking about it! Now actually making out with someone like not for work (that’s a crazy sentence right there!)… that we’d def have to talk about. I mean… mostly because I would want to be a part of something hot like that. FOMO!!! On a different note, I sang in Icestock last night. It’s the annual McMurdo music festival. There were comedians and skits and mini plays and bands and a chili cook off! I sang a bunch of stuff with some guys, we had to rehearse on our off time but it was super fun! I had my buddy video it. I’m gonna put it on a USB stick and send it to you, just for fun! There is some other stuff on there too, just for you, including my polar plunge! God we needed a party too. The grind was getting to us all. Yeah we have 24 hours of daylight, but I never knew I’d miss the stars so much! We are about to head into Vessel Season, that means extra people in town, mostly Kiwi and US military, to help unload the massive supply ships. From what I understand we will be pulled to help. I love you baby, soon hunny, soon I miss YOUR kisses ~Kitten

 1/8/21

My darling love, Happy Elvis’ birthday! He would've been 86. We had a huge birthday cake on set today. I don’t really care about pecks like that, plus you are too French for me to get up in arms about that. I do feel the same way you do about making out. If you are gonna make out with someone, I want to be there too. If it’s a girl, I def want to be there. That would be hot. We filmed a kissing scene today between young Elvis and younger Priscilla. It really made me miss you so much. I definitely channeled our first kiss into the work. Remember, on the couch? This might be weird to say, but no one kisses me like you do. Love and miss you, 52 days +/- ~Aus

1/25/21

Kitten,  Honey, I have a confession. We were rehearsing one of the big shows where Elvis goes into the audience and kisses all the girls. I had to talk my own demon out of taking home an extra and fucking her silly. She looked just enough like you and she was staring at me all dreamy eyed when I was on stage. Then I had to kiss all these women in the audience and I was all worked up. I’m sorry babe, know that I didn’t do anything or even talk to her. But we talked about being honest with one another and I feel better with you knowing. No I’m not asking if I can do anything with her, it was just like a perfect storm to turn me on. Honestly I’ve been too exhausted and terrified to really feel horny lately, so it kinda took me by surprise. I’m so sorry if this makes you mad. Know I love you and I’m not gonna do anything to screw up what we have. ~Austin 35 days +/- (I can wait, I swear)

1.26.21

Babe,  Love you, not mad. Will respond more when I have time! ~Your best girl

1.31.21

Ok my love,  First of all, I’m sorry this took so long to reply to. It’s been so busy here I’ve not had time. Secondly, I’m not mad. You are human, despite your intrusive thoughts to the contrary. Being attracted to people is just a part of being human. It actually feels really good that you were comfy enough to tell me how you are feeling. Thank you for trusting me. I have this ideal thought in my head that I’d want to be cool with a sorta semi-permeable relationship. Like yeah, making out with a women with you would be hot… fuck I think making out with a man with you would blow my fucking mind. (would you be down for that? Kissing a guy?) But I know I’m not cool with either of us just fucking others at will, at least not when we are this far away. How could you reclaim me, or I you, when these miles exist between us? Share someone with you? Sure, but we need to actually sit down and talk about it face to face. When I'm back and we’ve talked and you and I have had our fill of one another, if that girl is game and we get along… I’m down to try it out, baby. If you are even interested in that. There are a few cute Airmen here, but my demon seems to be slumbering. Remember, the less I get the less I want it. It could also be the fucking 10-12 hour days we’ve been putting in! Which is VERY different from fucking 10-12 hours a day.  Remember our first 72 hours? Damn that was amazing. I love you baby, now and forever, Your lover- Kitten

2/4/21

Amazing woman of my dreams,  How are you so fucking cool, do you know how hard I had to work to get my other gf’s to be cool about kissing on set, let alone talk about sharing a person. This whole thing makes me love you even more. How do I feel about kissing a guy? I think it depends on the guy. But it doesn’t squick me out or anything. Honestly right now, if it meant getting to hold you in my arms, I’d do it and more in a heartbeat. And for the record, I don’t think I could ever ‘get my fill’ of you babe. I love you so much, 25 days +/- (is that fucking real, only 25 days???) Devoted to you- Austin

2.25.21

Babe,  Oh my god! I am so done helping unload and reload ships! Give me my fucking hammer and let me pound something! So I have some shitty news. Y’know how, on the phone we were talking about my departure date being end of February and being back with you by March 1st. Well, I got my departure date, it’s not until March 10th, and I can’t move it up. They even offered me a bonus to stay overwinter, but I declined. As cool as it’s been I need to get off the ice and into your arms. So I won't be back on the Gold Coast until March 12th at the earliest. I don’t know if I have to quarantine. I have to arrange for my stuff to be shipped to Greece in that time as well. You say you have to leave for London mid March. I’m freaking out that I might miss you. I’m gonna try to call tomorrow so we can talk about it. Fuck this sucks, Love you so much ~Kitten

[exeggcute]

sometimes i get so mad about online advertising being so lawless compared to other mediums (ex. television ads occupying specific spots in programming or a small fraction of the screen while online ads can sprawl wherever the hell they want And bog down computer performance) i find myself wishing for someone to enact legislation leading to their regulation, but how likely of a possibility do you think that actually is?

it depends tbh. we do have related stuff like CCPA and GDPR (obligatory meme that I have saved on my phone:)

...so it's not impossible for further laws/regulations to crop up down the line. my main thoughts here are that (1) adtech changes so rapidly that I think any specific legislation is almost certainly doomed to become obsolete before long (compounded further by the fact that most lawmakers barely seem to understand the internet, let alone a fucking RTB supply chain lol), (2) enforcement would be a nightmare considering there are literally several hundred billion bid requests generated EVERY SINGLE DAY (googled this stat to make sure I wasn't misremembering and got another dr. fou link lol. can't escape this guy) and (3) believe it or not, the online advertising industry is largely self-governing... or at least tries to be.

an organization called the IAB (interactive advertising bureau) sets a ton of standards around not only the logistics of buying and selling ads (they are, for example, the creators of the OpenRTB protocol for real-time auctions), but also the quality of the ads and ad space being sold. there are tons of initiatives they've proposed that have widespread buy-in among the industry, like ads.txt, which everybody who's anybody uses these days.

you do, of course, have to buy in to what the IAB is metaphorically selling, but their decrees hold a lot of weight among all sections of the ads supply chain—both reputable buyers and reputable sellers regularly adjust their behavior based on IAB guidelines. for example, two of the things you mentioned:

"ads can sprawl wherever they want": the IAB has about a million guidelines for where ads can physically go on a page, how they can run (e.g., video ads must be muted by default or they aren't IAB compliant), and what percentage of the visual real estate they can use up. publishers obviously can and do violate these guidelines, but third-party tools exist to make sure your ads aren't running on pages that pull that shit. and as a rule, advertisers actively dislike buying ad space on awful cluttered pages because they know the pages are shitty and the impressions are less valuable.

"big down computer performance": people call those heavy ads! the IAB sets standards around ad performance (the lighter the better, basically) and google chrome even implemented a feature that automatically kills heavy ads before they eat up your whole CPU. some performance based-issues are also caused by malvertising which is uhhh a whole other thing but no one likes it and everyone who matters is trying to stop it.

which isn't to be naive here or an industry shill or whatever because Fucking Obviously these problems persist. I actually had to email the advertising division at conde nast recently because I kept getting malicious redirect ads on their mobile site (they haven't responded yet... return my calls bitch!) so clearly even well-meaning reputable websites and ad platforms and advertisers continue to have issues with IVT and whatnot. the struggle is eternal.

but arguably so is the struggle against basically anything that's legislated, like property crime or whatever. I'm admittedly not optimistic that formal laws would fix digital advertising, only put a slightly hotter fire under people's asses to clean up their respective acts better. which is certainly a good thing, it's just a rapidly evolving game where the bad actors are always coming up with new tactics.

fun and related example: I read a recent retrospective about the kids behind the mirai botnet, which originally started out as a DDoS-for-hire scheme but pivoted to ad fraud when it turned out that was way more profitable. possibly the largest botnet ever (don't quote me on that though) and it was spun up by three teenagers!!!

[theflyingfeeling]

PANIC PANIC PANIC I've got a job interview tomorrow 💀

It's a teaching job in an open university where I myself studied for a semester some ten years ago and I'm actually interested and excited about the opportunity because I'd gain teaching experience on yet another level of education, but that's also exactly the reason why I'm shitting myself as we speak, because I just spoke on the phone with one of the people interviewing me tomorrow (she was my teacher there too and she's so so sweet) and she told me there'll also be some "substance questions", i.e. content questions about some of the stuff I'd be teaching. They're basic level university courses, so rather different from the stuff I've been teaching recently (high school), and while I obviously have studied all that myself back in the day (and gotten decent grades for them too), I'm so so scared that they'll ask me something I know / can't remember shit about. Logically thinking I know they won't be asking anything extremely specific, but that only makes it harder to prepare myself for those questions in any way, because I simply cannot know what I'll be asked. Either I'll know it or I won't?? 🤷‍♀️ I know this may sound like a 'problem solved' kinda situation lol but it's actually the opposite: there are MANY problems in fact and there's NOTHING I can do about it and I will likely make an absolute fool of myself and cry all the way home because I'm not good or smart enough for anything 😐

Fuck, even the 'tell us a little about yourself' part in the beginning of the interview scares the shit out of me. How on earth am I supposed to talk about myself in a positive light when I feel like I'm not good at anything ever and I'm so goddamn ashamed of myself that I feel extremely uncomfortable talking about anything related to myself? Who am I to tell them they should hire me, when the honest answer is that they'd be way better off with literally anyone else? (okay fiiiiiine maybe not literally anyone else lol but you know what I mean 🙄)

I fucking hate job interviews so insanely much, because some of the questions are just impossible to predict, and then I look like an idiot because I have no answer ready or can't think of one in the moment. This is extremely frustrating, because I know I'd benefit from preparing answers to some questions beforehand, and of course there are certain questions I can safely expect them to ask, but I also know there'll be so many questions I won't have been prepared for at all, and those are the ones that stress me out the most, because I have frozen during interviews before when they asked me something and I didn't know what to answer. I know in some cases they're not necessarily that interested in the contents of my answer, but as I told you in the first paragraph (lol congrats if you're still reading), THIS particular interview WILL apparently include questions SPECIFICALLY about the contents of the courses I'd be teaching 🙃

However, it's a part-time job (which I actually wouldn't mind, despite being paid less), so I want to believe they don't have that many applicants and that my chances are pretty good (especially since one of the interviewers knows me and I may have even been one of her favourite students hehe (joking, it's been ten years and stuff like this shouldn't affect their decision)). I really want this job, so that I won't have to feel like I'm a waste of space for at least until May next year (that's when the contract ends), please please pleeeeeeaaaase let things go my way for ONCE 🙏

(Please don't feel the need to interact, I'm mostly just venting and none of you won't be able to predict the substance questions in the interview any better than I can, but if you do want to reach out, know it's appreciated 💗 However... I don't want to seem ungrateful, because I really really do appreciate anyone who reaches out and I KNOW you only mean well, I really do!! 🥺 but please understand that I'm not venting because I'm feeling insecure and suffering from the imposter syndrome and just need a bit of encouragement and then I'll feel better about it. Surely it's all that too lol, but I also genuinely believe I won't know shit about the stuff they might ask me, and I genuinely believe I'm not good enough, and no matter what you say can easily change my mindset about myself at the moment. "You're an expert on your field, you got this" is an instinct response and yessss logically thinking it might even be true and I'm just stressing out over nothing, but when my genuine feeling about this is that I very much haven't "got this" at all, like, not even a little bit in the beginning, it's... not necessarily as encouraging as it may sound like? 😭 as I said, I knooowww you have good intentions, but you don't know what's inside my head, only I know what's in there, and I know it's nothing. In addition, please don't say "everything will be alright" because you can't know that?!? Yes, everything might go well and I might be hired, but it also might be a total disaster and I'll start crying mid-interview because I feel so incompetent. I can't know, you can't know, so let's just focus in the here and now, yeah? 😩

...however if someone has any tips on how to answer 'tell us a little about yourself' I'm all ears! 😅 I feel like none of the tips I read on recruiting websites are of any use 💀)

[mangocheesecakes]

like as a general rule Filipinos who live in the Philippines use Facebook a lot. It's the preferred social media site of both young and old people on here, and we use it so much there is a real culture that's developed around our use of it (for example, it's the norm to use a black square or a photo of a candle as profile picture when a family member or close friend dies). It's literally ubiquitous here we use it for business, job seeking, news, delivery services, the works. All of your relatives have an account, all of your friends have an account, all our politicians have accounts, it's basically our twitter. so it's almost impossible to hide/fake major events like deaths and even illnesses on there, because relatives and friends will for sure be tagging and talking about it if it happens.

Also, yes our country sucks, yes our government is corrupt and incompetent but it isn't nearly as broken down as these donation scammers would have you believe. We DO have healthcare assistance and ways to ask the government for help in times of crisis. in fact while trying to track down the pictures itssmelau stole for her scams, i found out there are many Facebook groups for people looking for help/information on how to receive money from different government agencies to pay for their medical expenses. Like I have no doubt it's a difficult grueling process, I myself have experienced/witnessed how it is, but it CAN be done and people who are in need of large amounts of money, for hospital bills or what have you, often try to exhaust those avenues first before looking to strangers on the internet for help. And when they do ask for donations, it's often within Facebook as well, since that is where their friends and family are, and sending money is easier using local money transfer services instead of setting up a whole paypal account. So it is going to be strange that given how much they are supposedly in need of in their posts, none of these donation scammers ever have posts up on Facebook about what they're going through. If it is for everyday expenses like bills, food, transpo, I definitely get why someone would not want to make posts on FB about it and resort to Tumblr for help. like yeah i get that it's hard to have people who know you irl see you asking for help for those kind of things and no i don't think there's anything wrong about it. As I said before, life IS incredibly hard on here sometimes. But for things like medical emergencies and major life crisis, Facebook is always the preferred/first option, because that's where your friends and family are. Even though they may not be able to give they can at least share your posts to a wider audience.

ALSO, Facebook is easier and cheaper to access. If you have no wifi and you're only using your phone's data to access the internet, Tumblr would require that you have promos with Gigabytes of data, which is relatively more expensive, whereas you can buy like i think 300 mb of purely Facebook data for just 10 Pesos (0.18 US Dollars?) and that's enough to scroll the app for hours. And! there's free mode, you can scroll the app you just can't see pics and videos.

[cmdonovann]

quantum break appreciation month: a quick retrospective

so, first of all, wow, it was WAY more effort than i thought to just POST SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i put a lot of pressure on myself to only post The Good Stuff to this blog, and boy golly is my standard of "good stuff" higher than it ought to be! so this has been great practice for me in "finished is better than perfect."

second of all, i wanna put together a quick rundown of everything i did this month!

Announcement post

April 1st: My Bleeding Clock (My Immortal AU) fanfic for April Fool's Day

April 2nd: Playlist to go with My Bleeding Clock

April 3rd: Sketch of 2010!Beth

April 4th: Sketch of Jack and Beth

April 5th: Reblogged my old post about last year's anniversary zine, as well as a new little sketch to celebrate the 7th anniversary of the game's release

April 6th: Doodle of Beth in a skirt (with pockets!)

April 7th: I literally just posted a passage I like from the QB:ZS novel

April 8th: Started posting old art... completed set of the halo series here!

April 9th: More old art (Jack/Paul this time)

April 10th: More old art, LNEHH edition

April 11th: More old art, Will Joyce edition

April 12th: Some Jack/Paul art to celebrate me and my husband's anniversary :3c

April 13th: QUANTUM BREAK HOMESTUCK AU!!!

April 14th: Surprise! it's even more old Jack/Paul art!

April 15th: Wow! I can't believe it's more Jack/Paul art!

April 16th: Apparently I was busy this day because I just reblogged LNEHH, lol

April 17th: Quantum Break characters, but as Skyrim characters

April 18th: Some blinkie gifs I made using blinkies.cafe

April 19th: A sweater I made using the linocut stamps from last year's anniversary zine

April 20th: Another blinkie gif, hehe

April 21st: Meta post about color palettes and color usage in Quantum Break

April 22nd: A little QB divider I made for my fansite (WIP)

April 23rd: Some terrible glitter gifs, also for the WIP fansite

April 24th: Minecraft skins of a bunch of QB characters!

April 25th: I was also apparently busy this day, cuz all I did was make a stupid phone background for myself XD

April 26th: Took a swing at pixel art

April 27th: A promo for the Quantum Break Discord Server I run!

April 28th: Wrote another chapter of My Bleeding Clock...

April 29th: Art of Jack and Paul :3

April 30th: Started a new longfic: The Symmetry of Fear!

holy shit. that's a lot. i am retroactively impressed with my past self for doing all this, lmao. nice.

third of all! i wanna note that i started several projects this month that i have yet to finish. of course i'm not confining my quantum break posting to one month of the year (impossible) but i will take my time finishing the... uh... three fics and two meta essays i have unfinished, as well as the fansite i am working on. i want these to be GOOD, so i'm not going to rush them. i'm glad this month gave me to juice to finally get these projects started, though!

and lastly... why did i even do this project/event in the first place?

well... good question. i imagine i'm not the only one who has been Going Through It for a while now, and i just... really needed a big project to focus on for a while. and quantum break is like, one of the only things that i never get tired of thinking about, so... are you seeing my logic here?

all that said, i do genuinely want to work on putting more love out into the world. and i love quantum break! i want other people to love it too! (or at least, i want other people to look at my passion for it and be like "i dont go here but you keep doing your funky little thing my man," you know what i mean?)

so, big thanks to everyone who has encouraged me this month, whether it be in reblog tags, in the quantum break discord server, or elsewhere. also, big thanks to my husband, who i would not have married if not for our mutual obsession with quantum break, and who is always down to listen to me talk about my various theories and fic ideas. and finally, a big thanks to remedy, for making this dumb game that i love so so so much.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

My entire family line has this issue lol, there have been nights that see me, my mom, AND my grandma all awake together at 2am and watching a show over cheese and dried meats and some fruit. For all three of our lifetimes, NOTHING has ever been effective for a single one of us in managing this.

My grandma ended up being self-employed or a stay at home wife/mother her whole life. She also repeatedly ran off to Mexico, leaving her three children home alone, for weeks at a time to "recover."

My mom has worked in the corporate world her whole life. She never was able to fix her sleep schedule, which meant chronic exhaustion and being overextended for decades because she couldn't sleep before 4am and had to be up by 8am at the latest to get to work. She is currently in her late 60s, dying of neurological deterioration, and has been increasingly disabled since her late 30s.

I was an insomniac by age 5, staying up until well after midnight each day reading, daydreaming, or otherwise entertaining myself quietly in my room instead. For years, I had to wake up by 5am each morning for school, and no medication for insomnia has ever made me sleep, instead it tends to make me cognitively confused to the point that I can't "wake up" for anything despite being fully aware of my surroundings and having never reached REM sleep. By age 25 I was dying of a metabolic disorder that had destroyed the functioning of multiple internal organs. So I had to remake my entire life if I wanted to HAVE one.

These days, I wake up at 10:30am each day for my work from hone gig. I then work until 2-3pm, and go RIGHT BACK TO BED for a nap until 5-6pm. I get off work by 9pm, and stay up with my wife until at least 1-2am before taking my antidepressants and 75mg of benadryl to help me sleep without insomnia or night terrors.

I have never been healthier in my life. I have never been more productive in my life. I have never been this well rested IN MY LIFE.

Centering my life around the idea that it was FINE AND HEALTHY for me to sleep 4-5 hours overnight, and 3-4 hrs in the afternoon has been revolutionary for me. I literally cannot describe to you the difference in my mental and physical health.

With that in mind, all of the above context around how those of us who NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS FOR OUR OWN WELL BEING is true.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to get doctor's appts unless I sacrifice sleep or ensure I have an entire weekday off to attend to it. It is equally as impossible for me to navigate logistical needs like phone calls to utility companies or getting my shopping done in person rather than thruunethical online shipping options. I can't ask for accommodations from ANYONE (g-d I love that I don't HAVE to at work and can just do what works) around my sleep schedule because no one understands wants to change their schedules but expects that since mine is "atypical", that also means it's FLEXIBLE and easily altered. When I see doctors, they decide I have sleep apnea and tell me to lose weight. I DEFINITIVELY do not have sleep apnea, as my lungs have a periodic major inhale due to autonomic dysregulation and hypotension, and that happens whether I am awake OR asleep at the same rate. I also TALK and GESTURE in my sleep, I don't snore. From all of my understanding of sleep disorders, my experience is indicative of dysregulated access to REM sleep, NOT apnea. But no doctor for 30 yrs has given a shit.

When we talk about privilege vs systemic oppression, we're talking about what is allowed to be "normal" and how "abnormality" is treated when it cannot be forced into compliance. The access to the world or to care that those of us requiring abnormal sleep schedules have would be unacceptable to ANYONE. Why should we be cut out of daily life just because our bodies work differently then the socially acceptable schedule requires?? We exist!!! We could be part of the staffing solution for services if they would let us! That would make our quality of life skyrocket!!

Increasingly, I am learning that if I want to be safe and healthy, I have to remove myself from the vast majority of society's moral and logistical expectations of me. Why does that mean I deserve the isolation?

Ok wait let her speak

[ciown]

cw: sh mention

regarding archivedblog12 / angrykittenisupposes / neva. edited this for clarification and to correct myself on the later things i said

something being for coping reasons doesn't mean it won't hurt or upset other people. there ARE harmful coping mechanisms and making a mourning altar for someone is upsetting for anyone, especially someone who has you blocked and has told you to leave him alone

from what i'm aware of, you said something that actually alluded that you wanted someone (or your hubert from your canon) to take your bad actions / abuse. i am not going through all the literal hundreds of messages you've sent us to find that, so take it with a grain of salt

maybe that isn't what you want, i am not in your head. if i somehow implied that you wanted someone to abuse because of your PD, then i'm sorry for that. i think you as a person cannot see outside of yourself and are - even unintentionally - guilting people into taking your negative behaviours and the words you use make them feel like they deserve what they get from you. i think that you would prefer if people could suck it up while you insult them and degrade them because it would give you the chance to recover. i don't think it has to do with your PD, because there are many people who struggle with BPD and do not go to the lengths you do to avoid respecting people's boundaries and avoid respecting them as a person

respect includes not spamming people when they're asleep or when they're not messaging you. even if you didn't realize he was asleep (somehow), that doesn't give you the excuse to act the way you did. if someone doesn't have the energy or does not want to respond to you for a few hours - or godforbid a full day - then that is within their right, especially when you had hardly known him for three days at that point. considering there are PDs and other mental/physical illnesses that make responding to people hard (if not impossible), i would think you'd also find your behaviour ableist, especially when you treated his PD as an inconvenience to you

i stand by my mention of you being selfish because i've repeatedly seen you talk about how all of this affects you while dismissing or ignoring how any of your actions here would make him feel. it's not ableism to point out your hypocrisy and self-centeredness. i have been the person too stuck in my own head to see how my actions have hurt other people. it was not ableist of the people calling me out to call me out on that. it's made me a better and more mindful person to think about how my words may affect other people. this is something you need to work on. you need to give yourself time to think about the things you say. no every stream of consciousness are things you need to tell other people, especially when they are things you assumedly don't mean. and if you do decide to tell them, then you can't be upset with them that they are upset or do not want to be near you

standing up for yourself is not what you're doing. you're harassing someone you hurt and stalking him and his friends. what are you standing up to? your own behaviour? because we are upset and hurt with you because of the things *you* said. we have said things in frustration because you still haven't left us alone in 8 months and likely won't for years because you've done this same thing before

i don't think you set out to abuse people. i do think you genuinely wanted to be hubert's friend but couldn't control yourself or respect him enough to not to dump it to him on essentially day 2 of your acquaintanceship. you made the active decisions to continually message him instead of venting in a private space, or playing a game to distract yourself, or turning off your phone, or going to sleep. you made the decisions to send hurtful and stressful things to someone who was only ever patient with you and who did not deserve your cruelty

you were not mean to him after he was mean to you. you were mean to him to begin with

you threatened to have a panic attack if he spoke to anyone else about your behaviour towards him (first image is unedited, second is for readability. it's the same message). maybe you meant this, somehow, as just "being the truth" but this is still something that would scare someone into not speaking up about your behaviour

calling him stiff and cautious and guilting him over being more comfortable talking in a server than talking one on one with you, a literal stranger who he hasn't had a conversation with outside of her struggling with her mental health (unedited / edited)

calling him a nightmare for joking around with me, his best friend. this resulted in his first ever time blocking you, so no you were cruel first (you also, again, called him a "little cruel" for not responding to you while he was asleep even before this)

implying he traumatized you for blocking you when you triggered him. you knew each other for less than a week. also this was sent to the most popular kin blog and a vent about ren the person and not your hubert from your past life

your response to him joking with an edelgard double in a kin server unrelated to you in every way. said joke being him reacting to a message with an emoji and sending another emoji in response to the edelgard double's response

all the above was sent WAY before he was ever "mean" to you

what conclusions about you are you talking about? what things did he do that scared you? you repeatedly said the time he took to word his responses to you was something that made you feel better. what're you talking about

what in the world are you talking about regarding commodifying relationships? are you saying you did something kind for hubert? or are you saying hubert thought of your initial acquaintanceship as something he commodified? where does abuse come into this? what're you talking about? can you explain that in different words? i can't understand it

the issue with this is that this is something you've done to other people that had lasted 3 years. i'm not saying you do this to everyone you meet. but i am saying this is repeated behaviour. like three years for them and then 8 months for us is not whatever it is you think this is. it's not coping. it's not standing up for yourself. it's repeated harassment and stalking to the people you've deeply hurt and betrayed

i'm calling you a leech because you negatively affect and drain the happiness from the people you spam and stalk. you have stalked hubert, his boyfriend, his best friend (myself), his other friend, and who knows who else from our circle. i'm not delving into the things you did to the people before us and it's not really something i want to talk about in depth. i'm saying this to point out to you that you are repeating the toxic and abusive behaviou that you've done for years. the issue is that you haven't changed in what is now 4 years. the issue is that you do horrible things and blame it off on your emotions when this has been happening for at least eight months with JUST us. there is a limit to how far you can blame it on impulse and emotions. this is an active decision by you

if you understand how upsetting boundaries being crossed are and having your discomforts disrespected, then you surely understand how this eight months of harassment might be affecting us. right? surely? or maybe at least how your racism and transphobia might affect people?

correcting myself in this bit, he wasn't trying to calm and placate yourself. he was trying to be nice to you because he is a nice and kind person. i feel like you'll take me saying "calm and placating you" as something negative to do to someone who is having a breakdown

he was trying to be mindful of his wording because he understands that emotions are all-consuming for those with BPD and that they can be almost impossible to deal with and control. he was trying to be patient and considerate toward you while you were clearly in distress. you told him and admitted to him that it helped and that you enjoyed that he was careful with his words so that he wasn't hurting you

when he finally set permanent and unshakeable boundaries by telling you he wasn't in a place that he could help and be patient with you when you were insulting him and disrespecting both him and his struggles with his PD, you brokedown and essentially started begging him in our server to come back. you brought this all the way to that kin blog and started to say he traumatized you. you triggered him constantly and held not a shred of care for how your words affected him

and i do not believe you are stupid enough to think he would not be following what has been the most popular kin blog for years now, or that the plethora of people in server would not be. you are NOT subtle, i don't doubt that someone noticed what you said and brought it up to him

and at the VERY LEAST, you should not have been saying he traumatized you for setting his boundaries and you should not have been using that blog to vent (again) about someone who is alive right now at this second

[sassypotatoe1]

Technically unrelated but related because of autism some dude commented on a video about hostile infrastructure that 'if homeless people were sleeping in front of your house you'd want them gone too' and ignoring the facts that homeless people very very rarely stay in residential areas, and homeless people LITERALLY HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO, and homelessness is a societal issue that we all but especially the ruling class and government should be addressing because safe and comfortable housing and shelter is a human right, I replied that if a homeless person was sleeping in front of my house I'd invite them in.

He said "sure" because it's not a perspective you typically hear about homeless people. Most people want them out of sight at worst and want them in shelters and fed at best, but I have no real attachments to material wealth or my own safety. I like things, and some things like my laptop or phone or art supplies are important to me, but if they get stolen I'll just save up or ask for help to replace them.

I also tip car guards and waiting staff much more than anyone ever considers when I can, often 20% or more for waiters etc. I'm poor as fuck myself but I loan out money to people worse off than me with 0 expectation of actually getting it back.

I'm not about to go out to pick up homeless people to live in my house, but if someone set up camp on my sidewalk I'd ask if they wanted to come inside to sleep in a warm bed and have a warm shower and clean clothes and food until they can get their life together. If they don't I'd ask if they need any food or money or blankets and I'd give it to them.

This is shocking to people, and I definitely didn't learn it from my family or culture, I just don't have any particular attachment to material wealth and I inherently believe that people deserve to have their rights and needs met, and that money should ideally not be an obstacle to that end.

I also believe money as a bartering system, especially in a predominantly capitalist society, shouldn't exist. We have the infrastructure and industry to feed and house everyone. The medical care industry in America and some other places I can't recall off the top of my head has been made inaccessible due to capitalism, so it will take a while to recover from that but there we also have the capacity to care for people. Money is not needed for these things to continue.

The only thing holding us back is fucking money and the capitalist need to make a maximum profit and achieve continuous growth, which is impossible and is already starting to bite us in the ass.

I didn't post this to brag about my humanitarianism, I posted it because I wanted to showcase the disconnect people have between wanting people to live with dignity but not being willing to allow it due to an attachment to material wealth. People won't take in a homeless person because they might steal your shit which is a discussion on its own. The ruling class also won't give people the money or food or housing or healthcare needed to live a comfortable life of dignity because they have a selfish attachment to material wealth and want to keep accumulating it.

The same people that believe you have to serve a purpose to society to deserve to live are the people who say "sure" when you point out the overarching need for community and care society has, and that for thousands of years people did house and feed and care for the vulnerable, until in the last couple of centuries centralized ruling classes started to develop making that compassion difficult or impossible.