#also i apologize to all the asks i havent answered yet your messages are all lovely!!

[hinata-boke]

ur commentary on the one hq a day posts is so amusing i love seeing notes about what parts were difficult or fun on the drawings. keep it up dude

aww thank you so much!!

[call-me-copycat]

Heyyy. This might be out of nowhere but, How are you doing? You havent been posting lately so i was wondering if you were alright :) 🩵

Hi, I was planning on making a post discussing this, but I kept forgetting to until you reminded me ˶˃ᴗ˂˶

First off, I want to thank you for checking up on me, it really does mean a lot to have someone out there care for me (〃´∀`)

When I first started this blog, I had no job (yet) And I had a lot of free time since I hadn't started school again. Since I had so much downtime, I wrote a lot more and I was online a lot.

Now, a lot of time has passed. School is in full swing and I'm trying to secure as many scholarships as I can get, along with looking at different universities to aim towards.

I also have a job where I'm primarily the closer (related to the university thing since I have no college fund or financial aid from anyone in my family).

So basically I'm going to school all day, coming home, then rushing to work and working at night. I've been scheduled a lot more since I'm not a trainee anymore, and so my free time literally only consists of sleeping (˶> <˶)

Also also!

I recently got diagnosed with chronic fatigue, which worsens tremendously in high heat, so that also explains why I'm so tired all the time (those who look at my blog a lot can tell based on the time gaps between my fics and drawings)

That being said, even though I don't post a lot I do check in pretty frequently during the day and whenever I can at work, so it's not like I'm leaving my blog unattended ദി ᷇ᵕ ᷆ )

So for those asking: I am not tired of writing! I am not tired of drawing! I love doing those extremely and I don't think I can see myself not doing them

I am just going to be very slow now, and for that I apologize to those kept waiting.

And for anyone wondering: I do make sure to take care of myself, and I am getting medication and attention to take care of my condition. That's why I'm not online a lot anymore; I'm trying to get a decent amount of sleep so I have energy to keep up for the next day.

I want to thank all of my friends and mutuals who stuck around, I know it's hard to remember someone who's not around all the time, so still seeing so many people tag me in things and message me without hurrying me to answer right away makes me overjoyed to have met such lovely people （⸝⸝> ༥ <⸝⸝)ｵﾈｶﾞｲ♡

TLDR; I'm not gone! I'm still here, and I'm doing fine ʕ ◦`꒳´◦ʔ Just really busy with an uneven schedule

I know I don't post or talk a lot, but I still sit in the shadows; I see posts my mutuals share, I look through people's answers in tag chains, I read all the notes on my posts, etc!

Once more, I apologize for not being around so much! I don't blame anyone for leaving onto other things, but I'm not leaving anytime soon!

Thank you for your ask! I really needed the reminder to make this post ₍ᐢ‥ᐢ₎ ♡

I hope you and everyone here has a lovely day! ꜀(^. .^꜀ )꜆੭

*And no, this is not an April Fools - Just bad timing*

[cucumbers-and-olives]

Appreciation Overflow Post💛

Or, it’s my birthday, and i’m celebrating 67 amazing followers wtf???

hi, uh so it’s my birthday today, and i really want to do an appreciation post for all for my mutuals, because they have gotten me through so much even if they don’t know it, like

someone close to me going into hospice and then dying

my mental illnesses getting worse (one of my many christmas gifts lol)

sharing private information that for my safety i shouldn’t be sharing (i know this doesn’t really fit but it also does)

and a few other things that i don’t feel comfortable sharing

you guys helped me though so much, and i am amazed that i made it this far. i’m so happy i made it this far, because then i got to meet all of you.

i’m just a teen writing fanfic in my bedroom. (and i will block the creeps.) but you guys bring me so much happiness and i can’t wait to see what this year brings!

so without further ado- here’s me appreciating/maybe roasting/who knows what/simping (nah i’m not gonna simp for any of you) but to/for my mutuals. i apologize if i repeat any complements, there are not enough in the world for all of you

(i’m gonna go from oldest following me to youngest/newest)

@issaxcharlie issa, my very first mutual, i never quite processed that you followed me. i love all of your writing, and you interactions with @writerinlearning are so wholesome and amazing. keep being you issa 💛

@n0wornever missy, where do i start? your daily mantras help me know what day of the week it is, and if it wasn’t for them i would probably make a lot of silly mistakes (like going to the wrong zoom class) missy, you are beautiful 💛

@crybabyddl doll, you are one of my biggest inspirations on this site. dcma was amazing, and you are so talented! i am so happy you decided to follow me. you are amazing 💛

@meangirlsx sam, its so crazy that you follow me. you have thousands of followers, and yet you are following my tiny little blog. thank you. also can i take a second to just apprecate your blog aestetic? keep it up sam 💛

@bright-molina alright, is it bad that when the a majority of the people i follow changed their url to “bright-(last name of a JATP character)” i kinda lost track of who everyone was? nevertheless, bianca you are so amazing, and i am so honored to be one of your mutuals 💛

@txrii tori! you are so kind and lovely. i honestly cannot believe that you followed me, it blows my mind every day. keep creating tori💛

@blind-their-eyes kay, your support on my writing is unparalleled. i love your writing and i love to see your url pop up in my notifs💛

@jaskiers-sweetkiss erin, your writing is insane. the amount of talent you have is just so amazing, and the way your fics are written is even more so. i can’t wait to see what you come up with next! sending love your way 💛

@ssa-cinnamon jemma, im honestly amazed that you still follow me, esp cause ive turned into a JATP blog. you come up with the most amazing fics, and i hope you dont leave, but i undestand if you do. shine bright jemma 💛

@controversial-fandom-things love, go drink water and eat some food if you havent and also take a nap cause you are most def sleep deprived. i love you but go take care of yourself. please 💛

@piratesandswords lyra, where would i be without you? the answer that pops into my mind right now is less depressed, and less heart broken. but that’s the past, and this is now. i dragged you into JATP and i hoe you are enjoying it. thank you for being one of my amazing betas  💛

@calamitykaty katy, before i type anything else, can you and @dream-a-little-bigger-x get together already? you and nele are so sweet together and i will die on this hill. i love you owen fics so so much, and the plot twists that you come up with shock me everytime. be positive katy 💛 

@funsizearsonist doll, where do i start? like lyra, i have no idea where i’d be without you. you help be channel my ideas, and turn them into fics. your support on enemies to lovers is legit unparalled. thank you for your support  💛

@mo-d3ans dear your writing, like all of my mutuals, is legit god tier. i would love to see that hat that you pull your ideas out of and steal it sometime. do what make you happy love 💛

@julieandthepodcasters you all are so amazing. i re-listened to your podcast the other day, and just hearing your voices makes me happy. your podcast is once of the only podcasts that i am able to actually sit down and listen to. amazing work 💛

@softforcal nova, i know you are on hiatus, but if/when you see this, *gives you a big hug* (or if you don’t like that *gives you a high five*) i went back to check out some of your stuff the other day, and it made me a lot more confident to post my own RPF. hope your hiatus is going well 💛

@merceret julie, you are amazing! your writing is lovely, but you are even more so. i can’t believe i get to call you my mutual (also i’m ready for those benny watts fics i got so happy when i saw the coming soon!)💛

and to all of you, my 67 (what???) followers, thank you! i keep seeing that number go up, and it makes me so happy that you guys like my work. i didn’t think i’d ever get that many followers, and if i could tag you all, i would. you guys are the ones that make writing worth it, all your reblogs and messages and asks and notes. keep dreaming friends 💛

also i curled my hair and it didn’t turn out the best but i feel really pretty!

[lavendersage]

i saw that post from the girl who's girlfriend isn't quite ready to be out. if ur blog didnt seem to celebrate love of all kinds (and i'm not talking straight vs gay, i'm talking happy vs sad) i would have kept this to myself, but between ur response and the op's story itself, i think im going to take this chance of sharing a burden on my heart, maybe to help someone else, or just for the shot at becoming at peace with it. a couple weeks ago, when u asked for everyone to send u stories of their lovers, i wrote most of this out but didnt send it.

i (21F) am a college student (god, is this reddit?). my entire life, i have cultivated the cleanest good girl image that i could. my parents sacrificed so much for my sister and i to grow up far more comfortable then they did, so i have tried to honor them with a little golden child they could brag about. straight As, never missed school, did community service, perfect SATs. i worked tirelessly to be on-paper perfect.

one of the reasons i've worked so hard to earn Good Noodle Stars is to make up for the fact that i am terminally homosexual. i realized real early that i could literally cure cancer and the first comment on the news video will be, "okay, she cured cancer, but at least I'm not gay like she is." i could raise thousands for charity, and my aunts would still say, "our kids may not get off the couch but at least they have sex correctly." so they dont know. few people do, none outside my closest circle.

in walks Mars(21NB). Mars is an anachronism. they are both a romantic with and without a capital R. be still my Dark Academia heart.

we got very close before school broke for Covid. Mars wrote me a letter every other week, encrypted and folded so that the only way to open them was to rip a paper seam that would show if someone had tampered with it. it was intoxicating. it was the first time i felt able to communicate freely about anything. i dont know - i didnt hold back my emotions, emboldened by writing in cipher. i spent all summer waiting for those red sealed envelopes, filled with stories and poetry and honeyed nonsense, and i refused to not respond with mirrored passion.

it was all great until it set in that I was going to have to face Mars again, in person. i prayed our school would decide all students had to stay remote. of course I wanted to see Mars, i want to do much more than just see them, but i knew it would only be a matter of time between us being reunited and them asking me out.

this was a person who crafted a puzzle where the answers were flowers that were a declaration of fidelity in Victorian Flower Language. of course i ate that up with a spoon. u would have too. listen, i know all aesthetics are fads and all fads age badly, but if the cottagecore girls get to learn to sew and bake and grow, i owe dark academia for teaching me the vocabulary and actions of my most treasured relationship yet, and giving me permission to be earnest and vulnerable in this life for 10 goddamn minutes. Mars is handsome and a genius and i was not used to feeling connected to anyone. but for all that joy, i was also drowning with the thought of having to break their heart by explaining i cant date anyone AFAB.

so the semester starts. Mars asks me over for a homecooked meal since restaurants don't exist here at the end of the world. they made me a beautiful dinner with all my dietary needs in mind. just like everything else i ate it up. and i made no effort to stop them from inviting me over for food and conversation again and again and a fourth time just to make sure it really hurt.

they kissed me after the last dinner. and I kissed them back, before stopping. they apologized for moving too quickly, but i explained that they had moved at the perfect pace, just with the wrong person.

there is no nice ending to this. it's real life. Mars took it as a breakup and didnt reach out to me again. i sobbed from halloween to christmas, i swear. i'm the villain in this story.

i started this post off as a sign of solidarity to the other young lady, but now im realizing that this letter would be better read by her fearful beloved, not her. it is 4am where i live, so i apologize if this has all gotten away from me.

love is a garden u have to water yourself. ngl, my favorite part about this blog is all the posts about learning to love yourself, learning to see ur intrinsic value dispite the core facets of u that have been deemed flaws, and trust the relationship between me, myself, and i.

i started out telling myself i was writing this to help the high school kid, but i havent shared this with anyone. writing this out has helped me process a thing or two, or at least start to. i like this idea of lavendersage being a kindly cryptid who will alchemise ur heartache into calm.

i hope you dont mind if i try to make this a thing.

my story is in the shape of a love letter. its tearstained before it even hits the water. i drop it in your river and watch it float away.

y’all are breaking my heart with these stories this week 🤧i feel so sad to read them and so helpless to respond, because i know how deep that pain must run and i don’t know if there’s truly anything i could say or do to take it away. but if i can lessen it from 100 to 99, well, then i’ll have fulfilled my goal of existing on this website. at the very least, i’m glad that writing this message helped you process some things on your own, but i’m happy to share my thoughts anyway.

your mars sounds like a top tier human being. victorian flower language? i’m swooning. it’s no surprise to me that you fell for them, and they were clearly head over heels for you. folks don’t make grand gestures like that for just anyone, that’s for sure 🥺

and i’m very sad to hear about the way things ended. but, anon, i can’t help but wonder if it is indeed over, or if hope exists on the precipice of a great act of bravery performed by you--something i know from experience is much easier said than done, and something i’ve failed to do in the past, so i’m not trying to be a hypocrite here. the ball is definitely in your court, though.

also...it doesn’t sit well with me to hear you call yourself a villain. i understand why you see it that way, as it’s clear that you deeply care for this person. but for many folks...the fear of what our family will say or think or do weighs so heavily on us that it robs us of any possibility of happiness with someone who isn’t the kind of person our family wants us to end up with. i’m sure plenty of folks, myself included, can empathize with this. and i’m sure on some level, mars does too.

my love, as with all things, i hope whatever happens next works out for the best, and that you don’t let this experience darken your heart. if things change between you and mars, please feel free to drop me a note. i’ll always be here to listen 💚💚💚`

[rainingspellforlove]

falling again.

Tell me once again, tell me you love me like, you did that day.

 I couldn't believe it, everything about you was like looking in the mirror, we were so much alike. 

 But your lips that had spoken of love, don't say a word like they're locked shut, I can't understand with my heart, why you said you loved me. 

 But now you're trying to run away 

                                                                              Baekhyun - Love Again

The continuation of shouldnt have. 

It's been three months since then. Hyukjae been living well in Tokyo. He did his best to overcome his broken state. He did many things there and it really helped him a lot. He did yoga class, worked out his body, studied new languanges, even composing some new songs. for these three months, he already recovered well and he can back to his normal bubbly self again.

Hyukjae decides to come back to korea after feeling well. In a sunny sunday morning, hyukjae finnaly arrived at south korea. He walked alone with lot of luggagges with his mask on. Then he saw one familiar face to pick him up,

"Lee hyukjaeee"

"Hyunggggg"

Leeteuk comes to pick him up because he promises to grab a meal together later in a seafood restaurant..

"How are you hyukjae? Feeling better?"

"Eung of coursee hyung. I cant wait for our comeback finally"

"Of course we will have best of the best for this comeback. Lets work hard okay"

"Sure"

Then they enjoy talking to each other about how hyukjae's life in tokyo and how about the members doing while he was gone. They were doing pretty well with their individual schedule as well.

"Uhm so how was him? Is he doing pretty good these days?"

"You dont contact him at all?"

"Nope hahahaha"

"You really want to get rid of him huh?"

"Not to that extend lol he did messaged me sometimes, for the first week i went to japan, he texted me a lot like "what should i do" "im sorry" "i'll do everything for you to forgive me" "please" he did it so many times until 5 days maybe? Then i replied at the 6th day , i said "im okay. Youre not at fault. Just live your life as usual okay? Im fine here dont worry. " 

"I thought you blocked him lol"

"No way i cant block him we're still gonna work together right"

"Wah our pro-idol lee hyukjae. Amazing im proud of you. "

"Nothing's to be proud of. So how's he been?"

"Nothing special because we didnt meet him often bcs of our individual schedule"

"Oh then?"

"But i already met him few times actually asking him for a meal together, he wasnt like himself either i think. His soul is like leaving his body lol"

" He's not that lonely right if i left him like that? He already had a lover anyway"

"I dont know either. maybe you both need to talk it out, dont you feel it to try to talk to him?"

"Yeah ive been thinking about this too hyung. Maybe i will talk it out with him later"

"Good then"

After getting a meal with leeteuk, hyukjae comes back to the dorm with the help of leeteuk to bring his lugagges. And when he opened the door,

"Suprisseeee welcome back uri myeolchii"

Turned out the members already prepared the welcome back surprises with many foods and confettis.

"Oh my goddd guyss hahahahhaa"

"Welcome back uri hyukjaee, lets eat together!!!" Shindong said

"Yesss lets celebrate!" leeteuk finally said

Then they eat happily and tell so many funny stories like they always did.

"How is it at tokyo?" kyuhyun asked

"It's fun of course i did many stuffs there to clear my mind"

"Im glad you're feeling well right now.. we're so worried about you really. You should think less and dont overthink too much okay? You have us to lean on man!" yesung said

"yeah, we can help you anytime bro just tell us about anything" ryeowook said

"Of course i will haha im totally fine right now really!!"

Actually there's donghae too there who's been just smiled blandly at the situation. Fortunately bcs of this crowded condition, no one realized that donghae havent talked a single word to hyukjae yet. Then some times after they had fun and ate well, the members starts to go home one by one. There's leeteuk and donghae left , ofcourse with kyuhyun and hyukjae too.

so hyukjae  cleaned the dishes first and the rest of them cleaned the main room. When hyukjae washes the dishes, donghae actually comes to him and helps him cleaning the dishes

There's like silent in them for like few seconds.

"So, how have you been?" Hyukjae starts off the convo

"Nothing much it's just the same. You?"

"Yeah i did many stuffs there"

"Oh... im glad then"

Then silence again..

"Uhm, i- apologize for-"

"Nah it's not a thing for you to apologize anyway. Im totally fine"

"but im not..."

Silence again....

"Why? It's not that youre lonely without me right?" Hyukjae jokes

"hm maybe?" They laugh softly

Then hyukjae tried to ask something.

"How's thing with her?"

Donghae feels a bit flustered..

"yeah we're fine" said donghae plainly

"Good then"  hyukjae smiled

"I miss you" finally donghae said it

"I miss you too.. lets work hard more for our comeback soon. Lets just get back like we used to be okay?" but hyukjae not acting like he’s flustered. he acts cool

"Uhm sure.. "

Then hyukjae was about to go to the main room then donghae said

"im sorry.. lemme just say.. ehm- dont cry again hyukjae."

"sure i wont" hyukjae left and smiled after that..

flashback

The day after hyukjae went to japan, donghae was like a soulless man. He ignored all of the calls and messages in his phone. He just wants to talk to hyukjae. He wants to meet him rightaway but he cant. He cant disobey leeteuk because he always obedient to all leeteuk's words. He resisted himself and stayed at his house for almost a week. He ignored all of the messages and phone calls. He just wanted to see hyukjae's reply. But he didnt reply at all. He didnt answer his calls either.. donghae was really like a zombie.. then hyukjae suddenly replied to his messages in the 6th day. Donghae was startled like hell. Then he replied.

"it hurts to see you cry dont cry again.... im so sorry. I dont know what should i do... dont hate me...please.... im so sorry"

But then of course hyukjae didnt reply him again.

Actually donghae became so confused after hyukjae left. He thinks about him a lot. He thinks how hyukjae acts around him this whole time. He just realized this whole time, hyukjae must be suffered to hide this feeling alone. When he's the one being so touchy and stuffs....

He didnt know either why he feels so hurting while he's the one who hurts his friend. He hates being left especially when his important person who did it to him. He feels so confused after hyukjae left. He didnt know what happened to his mind recently. He cant think of anything. His mind was full of hyukjae. especially the kiss he gave that night. 

It feels like he poured all of his feelings to it.. but it was the most heartbreaking kiss that he ever felt. the tears that fallen in his cheeks. and his warm lips that melts into his. 

he hates to acknowledge this but he wants to feel it again... but not after feeling like this.   he missed hyukjae so much... it feels so wrong but he missed him so much......

but life must go on,  donghae tried to forget this confusing feelings and try to meet his girlfriend.

He actually met her few times. But donghae always didnt look fine at all. He always been on his mind and cant focus on her at all. And it's always been like this..

Donghae didnt seem to reply at her mesaages as often as before. And he rarely pick up her calls. Donghae was like a whole different person.. sometimes he would be ignorant or careless... even he was not actually like this.. 

he had a fight with his girlfriend recently.. because donghae keeps losing his focus when they met. And he keeps ignoring her messages and calls. He said that he was busy with works and stuffs. Still his girlfriend had it enough and asked him for break up. Donghae asked her not to end it so quickly. he said they can figure it out together. But his girlfriend insisted that they must break up. She was so tired of him. So they break up in their 5 months.. 

Donghae was shattered... he was miserable..

 he thought "maybe life was fair enough"

end of flashback

Donghae intentionally didnt tell hyukjae that he's already breaking up with his girlfriend. He thinks maybe it's for the best to stay like that. It's already been 1 month since he had broken up. And it's the time for hyukjae to come home to korea too. Actually donghae already recovers from his broken state too after 1 month. But now he saw hyukjae is a whole different. He's like happier, shining, and lovelier. It's like he's really getting himself better. He's getting way cuter... donghae seems a lil bit flustered to see hyukjae arrived... he was stunned for a lil bit. 

“is it just me or he gets cuter after coming back......” he thoughts.

Fortunately after their little talks, they can be like they used to be again.. 

The comeback is near.. so they keep practicing and practicing. They have been busy all the time after hyukjae arrived. They have been busy with many things to prepare the comeback.

Hyukjae is working hard too. He's even more refreshed for now. Donghae and hyukjae come back as they are used to be. Playful to each other. They are just being professional to not mix their private life and works. So they act like the things that happened 3 months ago are also dissapearead.. they just act like nothing happened.

They finally released their comeback songs successfully. It was a hit and success. They did many shows, interviews, and some variety shows to promote their comeback. They are so busy because of these schedules. But they are happy because finally they did a comeback again after a long time.

So after the day they brought a first win from mcountdown, they celebrate it in a restaurant and have a big feast there. Then they had drunk too after having those meals. It’s time for going home and there were no schedule tomorrow so leeteuk said just rest well for tomorrow. The members are going home one by one.

"Hyung, tomorrow i will have schedule for new journey to the west, so i cant come home with you. Is it okay for you to come home alone?"

"Nah it's okay. Bye bye kyuhyuna"

But actually hyukjae is in drunk state so he will go with his manager to come home.

then donghae comes

"I can take him home, i bring a car here so you dont need to worry managernim"

"Oh? You bring a car? Okay then i'll just come with you." 

Then hyukjae and donghae go home together with donghae's car. It's the first time for them having a drive like this for just both of them. 

"Hyukjae-ya, are you sober enough?"

"Hmmm 60% sober i tthink why?"

"Actually i want to tell you something"

"What is it?"

"I... i broke up with her"

"Her? Your lover? Why?" suddnely he’s 90% sober up

"Some things happened and we fights then she asked for breaking up. uhm yea thats it"

"Oh.. since when?"

"It's been like almost 2 months before our comeback"

"Ah... so you already broke up that time i ask you?"

"Hm yes.... sorry for not telling you the truth, im just scared that it will make you uncomfortable yknow"

"It's okay i understand... uhm.... so, you okay?"

"Yeah i had been not okay that time but right now i feel better a lot"

"Good for you then, hope you can find another person who's better for you then. life must go on right" 

Then silence... donghae doesnt give him any replies. 

They stopped at the red lights apparently..

"Do you already have a person you like this moment?" Suddenly donghae asked

"no there isnt. I didnt think of it at all because we've been so busy"

"Youre right"

Then the green light appears..

Donghae drives again... 15 minutes in silence and finally arriving at hyukjae's dorm..

"Okay.. would you want me to take you to your room or-?"

It turned out hyukjae already sleeps. He didnt dare to wake him so he puts hyukjae in his back and piggy backs him to his room.... and he still sleeps soundly at donghae’s back.. 

Donghae puts hyukjae to his bed and tucks him in the bed softly.. then unconsciously, donghae leans in to hyukjae's face..

Donghae pressed a soft kiss to his forehead...

"What if you're the better person for me hyukjae? What you’re gonna do if i fall for you?" He said while carressing his hair softly.. 

After that, donghae turned off the lamp and went home rightaway....

actually hyukjae didnt fall a sleep at all... 

he listened to all of them.

"The hell is that just happened...... oh my freaking God what the hell just happened....." he wakes up rightaway.

Hyukjae still can feel donghae's kiss in his face. he cant sleep at all that day. Even after hyukjae's arrival, they had been in a good terms. It is like nothing happened back then. They acted like they used to. Everything seems so natural. There were no feelings for each other.. hyukjae completely erased his feelings for donghae but why did he act like that last night....

"God he's confusing me again.... "

After that confusing situation for hyukjae, he will never know that was the start of all donghae's affections to him.

 and it's likely more affectionate than he ever imagined.

They did many shows and got many interviews. In those shows, donghae always finds chance to get close to hyukjae even doing some skinships to him. But it's like he did it unconciously and natural. It's like the usual donghae but it's more clingy than usual.

He's always backhugging him when they played something, or when in a music show ending, and many more. But hyukjae just lets him bcs he didnt want to be so obvious of avoiding donghae in the tv or shows.

Hyukjae hates to admit this but he liked it. It's like he misses these moments so much but in fact he's already moving on.... or...... are those feelings coming back again...

His warm and soft touches against his body are endearing. He just loves those affections. He missed how to be loved by someone...

But he didnt want to admit it.... never. it’s too contradictive. his mind says he’s already moved on but his heart told him otherwise. 

He still cant get over what donghae said few days ago....

Day by day passed by, and the promotions are coming to an end...  they did their last music shows on inkigayo. hyukjae went to the rooftop to rest for a lil bit because the members are just too noisy right now.. he didnt feel like to talk too much today. 

"what are you doing here alone hyukjae-ya?" 

"Oh donghae, uhm nothing just sight seeing" he’s startled by his voice

Donghae comes to hyukjae

"Do you have something burdening you?

"No actually i just feel grateful finally we can success this comeback.."

"im proud too for myself and the members too. we’re doing great"

“right” 

they smiled together and felt the wind that breezed for them. and hyukjae got some dust into his eyes

"Aaah my eyes" he tried to rub his eyes but donghae held his hands

"Hyukjae-ya are you okay? Which eyes?"

"Leftt aaaah its stuck"

“dont rub it, i’ll blow it for you”  

Then donghae just blows a little to hyukjae's left eyes while cupping hyukjae's cheek.  hyukjae’s heart is pounding like crazy while he did that

"I-Is it gone?"

"Maybe.." hyukjae tried to open his eyes and he's surprised, donghae was just 5 cm in front of him

Then donghae looks into hyukjae's eyes  and carresses his cheeks softly... hyukjae cant back off and staring into donghae’s eyes also

"I think you're more beautiful in this comeback" while holding his cheek.

"How so? I just feel so usual"

"It's your eyes. Your eye make up is stunning"

"U-uhm thanks"

“this comeback fits you so well”

They still stood like that for a while until donghae leaned in to hyukjae.. and hyukjae automatically closes his eyes... donghae just pressed a soft kiss into hyukjae's left eye...

Then he pulls out and smiles..

"You must be tired today. Lets just go home.." donghae said and grabbed hyukjae's hand to enter the building...

Hyukjae is dazed and cant say a single word... he just follows him to the building in silence... 

One day hyukjae drinks alone again in the usual bar. He just wants to drink because he wont have no schedule tomorrow.. and he talks alone in the bar.

"Im getting confused again. Why did he do that then?"

"If im just a rebound of his broken heart, i swear i would kill him rightaway.. gosh but he's already broken up from long time ago... eish but i doubt he likes me though he's fucking straight"

"he's weird. Or am i? Huh idk"

Hyukjae been blabbering for himself there for a few minutes..

Then such a coincidence happened, there just came donghae and jinu who were hanging out with the others because it's their friends who own this bar.. and donghae just watched hyukjae drunk alone and ran to him quickly. his face shows he’s worried as hell. 

"lee hyukjae.. hey what are you doing here? I thought you slept because you didnt reply me at all. you cant come drinking alone like this. you know you cant support youself enough while drunk. why are you like this?"

"Oh hey cheonsanim is it my death yet? Why there's cheonsa here.. thats so weird" he blabbers and doesnt listen to donghae’s nagging at all

"Hey get yourself together hyukjae-ya" 

"Oh im totally fine! what time is it? I should go practicing. let me go. comeon lets practice!!!"

"There's no practicing schedule for today and it’s almost midnight... lets just go to your dorm"

"No but cheonsanim, there's still liquor left i must finish-"

"Shut up and just lets go home. understand?" donghae’s face becomes all serious suddenly. and hyukjae shuts his mouth and let donghae do what he wants. he’s kinda scared too actually even he’s drunk. 

Donghae just pulled hyukjae from the seat and put his arms into his shoulder and starts walking to the car.. donghae brings him home again... like that day

after the silence for a while, donghae finally softened and his serious face gone

"This reminds me of how you were so drunk back then and you keep sobbing because of me.."

"Back then i really didnt know. Yes im a fool didnt realize your feeling and im a fool too bcs i fell in love too easily with some women. Maybe im just too lonely. But i realized that i actually not lonely this whole time. I have you. Thats a shame of me who didnt realize it. Im just so sorry.."

He said while holding hyukjae's hand. Meanwhile hyukjae is sleeping since donghae starts driving.. he’s always like that after being drunk. he sleeps rightaway. 

"You're becoming more refreshed and stunning. Im so flustered to see you like “ah it turned out im really friend with this beautiful human?" Thats exactly my thoughts for you when u came back"

"then i doubt it myself why would i have that kind of thoughts. I feel like i wanna have you for myself. Your cute face, funny jokes, and even your weird actions. It's like i wanna keep it all for myself. I even got jealous when you acted cute in front of the fans lmao i shouldnt do that but idk myself is just being weird."

"i love those smiles of yours. Your gummy smile. Thats just so pretty. It warms me up. I even think why didnt i realize i live with the prettiest angel for this 20 years." 

donghae still driving while looking at the road.. and he keeps pouring his words...

"Youre really my important person hyukjae. I wont ever erase you from my list. Youre my person... your presence to me is a healing and strength. Without you im nothing. You complete me. You're really my everything. Please just erase those bad memories of us. Just let me fill it again with good memories of us... let me try again.. im hoping i can be your source of sunshine too.. like you give me those warmest smiles every time we met... thats the most amazing feeling ever..."

Then silence...

"I knew you're not sleeping right... im not asking you for anything but i just wanna tell you that... and we're almost arrived"

Hyukjae cant hide again from his so called sleeping,, then he’s awkwardly wakes up and straighten his back... 

"uhm.. uhmm..  thats quiet long speech of yours.... uhmm okay..."

Honestly hyukjae is speechless as hell, he never knew donghae will talk it out and he's basically confessing??? But thats so ambiguous...

"Can i hug you?" Donghae asked before hyukjae opened the car's door

"uhm s-sure"

Then donghae hugs him... donghae's hugs always feels so warm... his big body is covering hyukjae's small body... it’s always been these hugs that he loved the most.

donghae who circling his arm into hyukjae’s neck and hyukjae who hugs donghae’s waist tightly.. its always been like this. their typical hugs from time to time. 

"dont go out alone to drink.. bring me,   so i will take you home"

hyukjae just nods in  his warm embrace.. 

Donghae takes off his arms from hyukjae and presses a soft kiss to hyukjae's forehead...

"Good night.. rest well for today"

 hyukjae is gotta explode. 

He's confused too and doesnt know what to do either. But his mind is a total mess right now so he acts like he's totally not in his right mind too.

his act and his mind are always fighting. it’s not completely going in a one way. it’s totally contradictive!!

hyukjae in his not right mind suddenly leaned in and kissed donghae's cheek quickly. 

He's so red and dying inside, then he just

"g-g-good night too bye bye" he's so flustered and running quick to his room

Donghae who feels hundred times flustered than hyukjae, cant even move a flinch after hyukjae's cute lil kiss. He's smiling like an idiot and messed up his hair. 

"im really going crazy" 

Meanwhile in the other side, hyukjae runs to his room and throws himself to his bed and screams.

"arghhhhhh why did i do that you fool lee hyukjae you fooool"

One day after that lil kiss event, donghae asked hyukjae (as if nothing happened) to a drive. he’s that amazing to act like nothing happened between them. 

"hyukjae, are you free this sunday?"

"Uhm maybe, why?" hyukjae pretends nothing happened too. BUT he’s just pretending. so he just replied casually

"i want to have a drive, wanna come? its no fun if i drive alone"

"u-uhm sure. But where to?"

"Hmmm it's up to you"

"Me ? Ah no, it's you who should decide donghae-ya"

"Finee, then beach? Lets watch sunset. How?"

"Call! Good idea!"

"Okay see you on sunday i'll pick you up"

"Of course"

Hyukjae didnt know why he agreed to his plans lmao he’s too excited to watch sunset. 

"eish what should i do.. that god damn smile wtf i cant even ignore him"

"Nah its okay we're usually like this. Its a usual thing for us to have a drive tgt. We even watch sunrise together every year.. it shouldnt be a bad thing right........ right..... but for now i should try calming my heart more" he’s trying to convince his heart more 

Sunday comes and they really go to the beach....

They have so much fun in the car, they sing and laugh happily in the car.. hyukjae who jokes a lot while donghae who gives his best reactions to it. It's just their  another ordinary days.. but its been so long so they're beyond excited for themselves.

It's winter and they wear warm clothes right now.

"Hyukjae, dont you feel cold of just wearing that coat?"

"Ah this. Hmm maybe i can bare it haha"

"You can wear my padding, i'll wear yours"

"Eish no need. Im fine really"

"Uhm okay then"

They have arrived at the beach and they go to the side of the beach while playing with the water. They had so much fun playing and running for each other.. they're just like kindergartens..

"It's unbelievably cold goshhh maybe you’re true though,  my small body cant bare it haha" hyukjae been shivering for a while and he almost stutters because of the cold wind.

"I told you so.." then donghae stands behind hyukjae and opens his padding to back hug the shivering kid. his padding completely covered him and hyukjae together. Hyukjae is small human being so it fits for them together.

"Ya- what are you doing let me go" hyukjae tried to let go but of course he’s lost. 

"Its cold its better like this right" he tightens his hugs more. 

Hyukjae cant say a single word he's just dazed while feeling the cold air from the sea.

They stayed like that for a while until sunset..

"Beautiful..." finally hyukjae mouthed a word

"Uhm.." donghae hugs him tighter from the back

"We're almost the same height but why i feel you're so tiny" donghae said

"im 3 cm taller you know!! but i admits im a real myeolchi because im not that workout holic like you. and im not the type who builds my body like you. the bulkier type. nah i didnt like it"

"Alright alright  i agree for that"

they enjoy this so much. and maybe hyukjae loves it too much. it feels like the cold air is completely gone because of donghae’s back hugs. it warms him up...

after some moments of the sweet warm sunset, they think of going back. they can freeze if they stay too long. 

"Should we go back?"

"Okay..."

Its time for going back and its time for donghae to let go of his hug.... why hyukjae feels dissappointed all of sudden...

Donghae lets go of the hugs and he pulls hyukjae to face him...

"Hyukjae"

"O-oh why?"

Donghae takes out his hands and carress it softly... then brings it into his lips... donghae just kissed every hyukjae's knuckles one by one..

Donghae turned to face hyukjae and leans in slowly..

Hyukjae stops him by pointing his forehead..

"can i-?”

 he didnt finished his words but suddenly hyukjae said

"kiss me"

Donghae got startled but he smiled softly and leaned in to kiss hyukjae

Donghae moves his hands to cupped hyukjae's cheeks while hyukjae's hands slowly circling donghae's neck.. they kissed slowly and softly.. donghae takes a lead and hyukjae tightens his hands... they never expect this day would come.. they pulled out for few seconds, then hyukjae cant get enough and kiss him again.. they kissed so long but slowly...

then they got losing a breath and plus they cant bare the cold air then hyukjae pulled himself from donghae... his ear got so red and he cant even say a word.

"i-its cold lets go home." hyukjae said and ran  leaving donghae who smiled softly..

They go home with hyukjae who covered himself with his scarf.

Donghae who laughs softly said

"Hey dont cover yourself like that, i cant see your face" he teased

"I dont want to see your face idiot"

Donghae chuckles and takes hyukjae's hand... he pressed a soft kiss to his hand...

"stopppp argghh focus on driving bastard" he pulls out his hand quick

Donghae drives home with a widest smile ever

Arriving at hyukjae's dorm, he packs his things and ready to get out but..

While on the way driving here, the snow falls so hard even donghae drives his car slowly to go here..

"You know, the s-snow is falling so h-hard right"

Then donghae turned his head to hyukjae waiting him to say something

"So...” hyukjae hesitates..

"Eh hem so?" Donghae waits while smiling to him

"Eish stop smiling like a weirdo you bastard"

"Hmmmm So?" donghae teased 

"Y-you can come to dorm until tomorrow morning i-if you want-"

"Of course i will. Lets go" donghae quickly answers and goes inside

Donghae has expected this , no way he would let his best friend fighting the snow falls for himself.

They enter the dorm together.. and it's already almost midnight..

"Kyuhyun is home already maybe he's already sleeping... you can sleep on the sofa or other rooms here okay bye im going to bed" hyukjae was about to go to his room but donghae stops him

"What now?"

Then he gestured his head in hyukjae's room (it's like “i wanna sleep with you” gesture)

"N-no way!"

"Aaah we used to sleep together why cant we"

"Its different! We're grown ups right now!"

"Hnggggggg pplleasseeeee or i will nag at you until morning"

Donghae keeps nagging and nagging so hyukjae just lets him to go to his room

"Fine"

Hyukjae already changed his clothes and brings his clothes for donghae to change also.. then hyukjae goes straight to sleep and doesnt want to wait for donghae who changed his clothes

Donghae who comes back after changing his clothes, climbs up the bed beside hyukjae... hyukjae  sleeps facing the other side and donghae feels dissappointed..

"Face me while sleeping or i cant sleep"

"Its not my business"

"We just kissed why do you treat me like this?" He pouts

"Eishhh sssssshhhh. fine fine. i'll face you lets just sleep"

"Hyukjae ya"

"Hmmm" he already closed his eyes

"I wanna hug you"

"why are you so demanding"

“pleaseeeeee”

“arghhh fine” 

Then donghae hugs him and places hyukjae's head in his chest

"It's cold i must keep you warm" hyukjae stays in his embraces like that without complaining.. he's too sleepy to complain.. 

"Hyukjae ya"

No answer...

Then donghae leans in closer

Hyukjae feels donghae's breath becomes so close and slowly opens his eyes..

Hyukjae stops him again by placing his fingers to his lips..

"lee donghae......." hyukjae loses all his drowsiness.... and his eyes looking at donghae's

"I like you..." donghae said with his softest eyes ever

This. those puppy eyes of his. His soft voice.. his gentle touches. His body's heat that runs into hyukjae's body.... it drives him crazy

 hyukjae never been so speechless.. he's weak.. he doesnt know how to act...

Hyukjae feels his heart about to explode..

"Y-you know.. b-but i dont know... i cant understand my feelings at all.... i-"

"I know.... i know.. i'll wait for you"

"but why?"

"Because it has to be you. I love being with you. I just love it so much. youve heard me before. in the car, i told you everything. it’s just you."

Hyukjae cant say anything and keeps his head down in donghae’s chest... he cant face donghae.... he might explode... he bets his ears are all red... and he feels so damn hot even it's winter...

"Can i kiss you?"

Silence.....

Then hyukjae nods softly..

Donghae slowly moves his hand towards hyukjae's cheek and the other hand pulling his waist closer...they kissed again.. but its more passionate and have more feelings... they didnt feel cold anymore, they are heated by the kiss...

donghae who's now on top of hyukjae and keep kissing him like there's no tomorrow... it's like hyukjae is his property only..

They kissed until they both are out of breath and pulled out from each other.... donghae hugs him again from the side while carressing hyukjae's hair and kissed it for few times.....

"잘자요 hyukjae ya"

"good night.." hyukjae who feels embarrassed to death and he just hides himeself in donghae's chest...

They both stay like that until morning comes.... they embrace each other warmly and they sleep like babies.

Morning comes and hyukjae slowly opens his eyes...

"emhhh.... oh my.." he still doesnt believe it either what he saw...

The first thing he saw is donghae's face beside of him.. he suddenly remembers the kiss.. 

"He already looks so good even he's sleeping, like how.."

"eishh whats wrong with me"

hyukjae tries to come down from the bed slowly because donghae's hand still in his waist.. so he slowly removes it.... afraid to wake him up... when he's about to success for coming down, then a pair of hands slip into his waist tightly and a voice appears next to his ear closely..

"where do you go?" said donghae who just woke up with his hoarse voice. He put his head above hyukjae's shoulder and keep whining

hyukjae almost jumped after hearing it *dammit that hot voice*

He always knew this kind of voice every morning they woke up after sleeping together.. because they did it often back in those old days.. but now, it is not the same,  it's like hyukjae always got heart attack when donghae comes close like this

"maybe take a shower and buy a breakfast..."

"sleep more :(" said donghae lazily in hyukjae's shoulder

"it's almost 9 am... i must go to gym later.."

Then he pouts cutely..

"Let me take you there then..."

"Fine.."

"Lets take a shower together"

"NO eish i can shower alone lemme go" donghae still hugs him tightly from the back

"Lee donghaeee comeonnnnn"

"letsss take a shower together like the old dayss"

"No fuckin waay lemme gooooo" hyukjae tries so hard to let it go and finally succeeding

Donghae just whines and tries to wake up also.

They both already been showering and they will have breakfast together..

After finishing breakfast and stuffs. Donghae drives him to hyukjae's gym.

"Okay then thankyou for dropping me off" said hyukjae awkwardly

"Of course. Dont overwork yourself, rest well after this. Bye bye"

"Sure bye"

"Oh wait." Donghae said

"What is it? Is there something i left in your car?"

"You left this"

Donghae shamelessly pressed a quick kiss in hyukjae's right cheek.

"YA LEE DONGHAE"

"bye bye!" Then he winks and leaves

"Eish im really really going insane"

Day by day passed and donghae keeps being clingy to hyukjae. But extended version, he always kissed him goodbye while parting ways. It can be forehead kiss or cheek kiss. Hyukjae is lied if he doesnt like it. He liked it so much but he didnt show it and always runs away from donghae after that...

"Ah where is the boy who used to cry here bcs of his bestfriend? Is he really opening up his heart again?" Teased leeteuk

"Hyung please"

"Hahahaha you arent bothered at all right by him? I knew you love it"

"No way"

"You cant lie to me hyukjae. You fall for hin again right?"

"But i hate for admitting "that feeling""

"It's been so long hyukjae, it's okay for falling in love again"

"I dont know hyung... but why it has to be him? i just dont know"

few days after, hyukjae who just woke up suddenly gets a call from leeteuk..

"Lee hyukjae it's urgent, donghae is sick and i cant go there bcs i have works. Can you come instead of me? He's been in high fever. im scared he will faint or something"

"Okay hyung i'll go there asap"

Hyukjae is worried as hell and he brings all the medicines from the dorm for donghae.

As he arrived there, he found donghae sleeps on the floor.. and he's freaking out

"Yahh lee donghae, are you okay? Hey, lemme take you to hospital come one wake up"

Hyukjae got so worried and try to lift donghae's body.

"Ehmmmh oh what time is it? Why am i on the floor? And why are you here hyukjae?"

"Leeteuk said youre sick af so i came.. lemme take you to hospital right now. can you stand by yourself?"

"Ah.... im not sick.. i just got hangover and maybe i fall asleep on the floor last night..... im totally fine but a little dizzy"

"what the-”

then he realized 

“Aish leeteuk hyung i'll get revenge on you someday arghhh" then hyukjae stands up and ready to walk out

"Im going home then. Bye im wasting my precious times"

"Aaaah dont go im really dizzy... can you help me please eung?"

"Its ur fault anyway"

"But i always help you after you drunk so many times..."

"Okay t-thats... ugh- fine"

Hyukjae walks to donghae and lifts him up. He helps donghae to get on the bed..

"Okay it's done im going. Eish wasting my time  worrying for nothing"

"Are you worried that much?"

"Bye im going home..."

Donghae pulls hyukjae's hand..

"Can you just stay with me?"

"Why should i?"

"I need your company.."

Donghae pulls a lil harder until hyukjae's body falls on his chest..

Donghae hugs him rightaway so hyukjae cant go...

"Hyukjae-ya.. there’s no a single time i would not think of you.. you know what, when you went to japan, i messed up all of things.. i cant get focused on anything... i just wanted to meet you.."

Hyukjae who still in donghae's chest said carefully

"How can i trust you? I cried so hard that day.. im tired of hurting"

"You know it hurts to see you cry. That day my heart breaks into pieces... i think how much i hate myself... i was so dumb. i knew.. but now i realize how can i live without you.. i cant stay away from you... i wanna hug you so tight and give you every little kisses every day.. i dont know when this started, but i want to make you mine every time i see you..  i wanna protect you and embrace you.. i cant take my eyes off of you"

"Hyukjae-ya look at me" donghae lifts hyukjae's head who leans in his broad chest then he saw hyukjae is crying...

"dont cry sweetheart please dont cry.." donghae carressed his tears away softly..

"I-i think i completely forget you. i convinced myself that i already moved on. i believe i had erased you completely.But i just realized i cant... how can i? i really cant forget you at all... i just keep pretending that i was fine if i keep this feelings alone.. i thought i already threw away my feelings. But you suddenly came to me again with those affections.. how... how can i just forget you easily.. i just cant.... life is so unfair i cant understand"

Donghae suddenly sits and lifts hyukjae easily to sit in his lap.. hyukjae who's still sobbing got flustered by his sudden actions.

"Ssssh dont cry... you know that im the crybaby, it's not you. You shouldnt be crying.. youre not supposed to cry... "

Hyukjae still sobs.. and palmed his face..

Donghae leans in and takes hyukjae's hands from his face slowly

He cupped hyukjae's face and leans in.. donghae's forehead touched hyukjae's completely..

"I love you so much.. can you love me back?"

Hyukjae still sobs but he nods softly..

Donghae smiled softly... this sweetest smile that always stuck in hyukjae’s head

"Say that you love me back" 

Donghae wiped off the tears that keep falling in hyukjae's cheeks..

"i-i like you so much i could die.." he sobs cutely

"good.. and i love you too"

Donghae leans in and kisses hyukjae's watery eyes delicately.. he pressed those little kisses slowly from hyukjae's forehead, eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally his lips...

The way hyukjae's lips melt in donghae's.. he kissed hyukjae passionately... the finally-you-love-me kiss that he always hopes.. not that heartbreaking kiss again, this kiss feels more delicate and warm. donghae moves his body and presses hyukjae down to the bed..

"Do you mind if..."

"just do whatever you want”

“good” 

hyukjae never thought that this day would happen for real.. his shirts and pants are on the floor... his  outfits that he wears prettily today is all on the floor mixed with donghae's.. they both are covered with blanket with donghae's hand for hyukjae's pillow.. hyukjae cant say a single word after all of the things that happened so quick in few hours..

"Say something babe"

"You idiot bastard how can i say something after you marked me like this... we just- arghhh i shouldnt say yes for whatever you will do... ive been tricked."

Donghae turned to sulky hyukjae and kiss hyukjae's shoulder..

"you know i cant resist you.. "

then donghae pulls hyukjae and hugs him close to his broad chest and hyukjae slowly hugs him back..

"stay with me until tomorrow?"

"Of course" hyukjae nods and hugs him tighter

"Dont you feel cold?"

"Nope. You hug me is enough.."

Donghae smiled  softly and hugs him tighter... 

“best day of my life.” donghae kissed hyukjae’s head softly

While hyukjae finally asleeps, donghae quickly messages leeteuk

"Hyung i will appear on your youtube more often!! i promise. Thank you for everything hahaha!"

"Eish this little punk. Happy now? Stop calling me just for crying that you miss him so bad. Ughhh im so tired listening your broken ass.  Dont send me even a single pic of both of you or i'll kill you."

"HAHA i was about to lmaooo bye bye hyung♡"

-end

[piraticalarchive]

i followed cause ur captain daddy. OIFJAOFJE all jokes aside, i adore you taylor. it's been such a blessing getting to know you. i would sink an enemy ship with you. 💋

why’d you follow me ????

THE LACK OF GIFS OF OUR OCS IS INFURIATING. ANYWAYS, ivy, my love - of course I returned the follow because you’re mommy crawley. Okay, but, real talk Iris, I screamed when you followed because like ... desperate housewives?? oh my god, talk about a throwback to one of my favorite drama tv shows ever. And you literally write my favorite character (okay shes tied with susan but you know i’ve already apologized for that a million times) .. and the way I’ve always wanted to write Mike Defino but I ..will...resist. We are quite literally besties already. You would sink an enemy ship for me .. But the only reason I would go full on piratical battleship would be at your behest.

Someone: Oh I’m gonna mess with Iris. Me:  N O PE.

Okay but the way I answered that ask like a week ago that was like ‘would you rp with a regina mills’ and i was like ‘mate i havent found a regina i clicked with in like 6 years’ and i checked discord like 10 minutes later and literally half an hour before you had messaged me like “ so i’m thinking ... regina.”  Call it what you want. Fate. Destiny. Soul connected original characters. I don’t even have the words. I’m so glad you popped up into my DMs and were like sticks leg out, love me - like we just clicked immediately and youre so fun to talk to. That fucking edit you made about giving a pirate a muffin literally shot mellow yellow out of my nose and do you know how bloody painful that is? Also I mean, the way you just roll with the shit I drag you into.

Me: someone I know wants anime blogs, here’s the fandom. pick someone you: is there anyone you think i’d like to write/would be good at? me: do you think I’ve really seen it?? *links the wiki*

I don’t know how our timezones match up but we’re literally so all over the place that sometimes it’s like we reply in discord to each other immediately but then sometimes we go 12 hours like hey sorry i was dying my toilet paper purple - and granted, that’s not something either one of us have ever said but I mean ... I can see it. You can too, right? You can totally see it. Thank you for being one of those people who just jumped onto this fucking once upon a time revival train with me.

Me holding the dark one dagger like hook in that one scene: Dark ones, Appear!!

And like,,, you mates did. You fucking delivered. Anything we write with our original characters is going to be truly far more astounding than anything that once upon a trash did with them. They will soon realize why we are the better writers. The world is not ready for Captain Daddy and Mommy Crawley to be unleashed upon it. And yet, here we are - so they better fucking buckle up. Anyways. I love you and I would die for you. Your writing inspires me so much, it’s beautiful. Also, we plot the same way apparently. You on that Regina post ‘plotted starter’ .. meanwhile we were just like ‘idk mate lets just see what we come up with’. That’s my kind of plotting. I literally fucking love you to pieces. Thank you so much for coming in my life and honestly I can’t imagine a more lovely person named Ivy, truly. There’s a reason I went exclusive to your entire damn multi basically. Your talent speaks to me, its on a whole other level. I love you to death and you’re amazing. I will write with you forever and whenever you stop I will just bug you on discord. Also, DH watch party !!!

Also as a side note - i still can’t believe you were doing the best own ever when you linked me to your multi and it was empty but I honest to god thought i was blocked.. that would be the most jackass move ever. Lets do it to someone one day.

[illusionlockarchive]

pazam: a mess, truly a mess

so i usually dont do these kind of posts, i guess you could say its a call out of some sort? but i never liked that word, i prefer rather to just compile sources on WHY people would believe that a certain person is not truly as nice and understanding as they seem. consider this more of a psa post, detailing on whats going on with pazam on the sfm community, why so many people are against them.

So, a while back, tumblr user jymble made a post on the main tag stating that pazam was transphobic. they linked back to this post, which contains screenshots of pazam in a group chat stating that they do not feel comfortable with the idea of trans people. now, this did happen 9 months ago, true. however, for the record, pazam is already an adult, 24 years old, so they should have some tact. and as further and more recent events will show, they actually havent changed that much at all, at least not as they claim.

the screenshots should be in the post, but here is a transcript

[Screenshot one]

Pazam:

What????? Why?????

I literally HAVE NOT been doing ANYTHING malicious to them

And if it did I apologized

Yes I do have discomfort about them but I keep it to myself

Why are you doing this????

[End screenshot one]

‘Them’ here refers to trans people in general. Notice the defensive and victimizing stance they almost immediately take upon being confronted about their feelings on trans people.

[Screenshot two]

elliott:

of COURSE you dont

sammaku:

Like specifically

Elliott hush

Pazam:

This whole concept of transness and changing your gender physically

I hate to say it again but it weirds me out and it makes me question my own gender which flings me into anxiety, depression, and obsession

sammaku:

Its fine to not understand but are you willing to learn about it

Pazam:

I don’t want to talk about this anymore

sammaku:

That depression anxiety and obsession just comes with gender issues

(the rest of the text is cut off)

[End Screenshot two]

notice once summaku asks them if they would at least be willing to learn about it, pazam immediately deflects it by saying they dont want to talk about it anymore.

[Screenshot three]

Pazam:

Seriously??? That’s all it takes????

Wow I’m a moron

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused to you

@.aziraphale @.elliott @.sammaku

I just don’t get this stuff period

And I’ve gotten into trouble with this stuff before

I’ll probably never understand it for the rest of my life but I’ll try to be more tactful around y’all

Especially since you’re all young

And I’m like an adult

[End screenshot three]

While at first this would seem like they had finally learned their lesson and apologized, the things they add on after the @s become quickly worrying. Not only do they admit to ‘have gotten into trouble with this stuff before’, meaning they have probably shown their transphobia in other places and been called out, but they also stand firmly on the fact that they will never understand it or ‘get’ it.

And of course, as jymble points out, the implication that the people they were talking to were only acting like that because they were young.

A while after this post was made, Pazam had posted an apology, and went onto contact jymble asking for the post with the evidence of their transphobic to be taken down. The reason? They were afraid people would see it and think they were still transphobic and not give them a chance.

In this more recent post, you can see the conversation play out between Pazam and jymbles. Long story short, Pazam feels that it’s unfair that that post is still up after they apologized, and jymble of course said they would rather not take it down, people deserve to know what they did and take their own conclusions, even if that involves avoiding them. How does Pazam respond? By flat out deleting the apology post. I’d love to show the apology post to give you both sides of the story but I cannot anymore, because Pazam in a very bizarre move just deleted it because they got mad a trans blogger wouldn’t take down their post with proof.

Here’s the transcript of the screenshots:

[Begin Conversation]

rebloggidy (Pazam’s personal):

I’m by no means transphobia-free after learning what I’ve done but at least I know my actions and am making an effort to be a better person towards trans people.

rebloggidy:

Hi again. So I hate to be that person but would it be ok if you took down that post about the transphobia claims? I know it took me 9 months to apologize but if people only see your side of the story and not realize the post I saw they’ll take it out of context and still think I’m transphobic. Do you understand?

jymble:

... i already told you im not taking down the post.

[jymble sends a screenshot of her own message in a previous conversation, the screenshot reads as follows:

however, i dont think im taking the post down, nor am i entirely comfortable with you interacting with me either. people deserve to know how you acted with this stuff, until youre really and truly *better* with it instead of just trying, and i was a direct target of it]

jymble:

you oughright told me "im by no means transphobia-free", word for word sorry, but i told you before. im not taking the post down.

rebloggidy:

I remember that. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if people who read it out of context will immediately think I'm still transphobic without the other side of it (my comment)

And I don't want people to think that in the future

jymble:

if people make assumptions without looking at the entire situation, thats on them

i am not deleting the post and thats final. people have a right to know what youve done, and they have a right to be uncomfortable

rebloggidy:

I'm ready to take down my post because frankly, I'm sick and tired of having to justifiy something that I did 9 months ago, and that people grow and learn even not 100% during that time and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still into smile for me and feel free to make a blacklist of my name so anybody who rbs my work on your dash can have it hidden or something.

Take care.

[End conversation]

a lot to unpack here, but perhaps most notable is when jymble simply stands her ground and tells pazam she wont take down the post, pazam straight up decides, without being told to or anything, that they should take down their apology. later on, they made a post stating why they deleted the post, and saying they had ‘been forced to’.

I also would love to link it here, but as of now of writing this, like, not even an hour or so after I had seen that post, it got deleted. The only memory I have of it is a conversation I had with my boyfriend about Pazam, in which I copypasted a fragment from that post that read:

“ So for those wondering where the apology post went, I was forced to delete it. I wanted to archive it in some way so I could pull it up for reference, but there was no way I could. Also I didn’t really want to see it every time on my blog because quite honestly it’s upsetting to look at.”

There are some lies and twisting of truths here. Pazam wasn’t forced to delete it, they decided they should do it as a way to somehow get back at jymble. And the excuse that it was upsetting for them to look at is just inexcusable, what matters most, letting people know of what youve done and that youre sorry, or just never addressing the situation?

But, well, I’m just hoping you’ll take my word for it. As you see, Pazam has officially deleted ANY traces of acknowledging this situation on their blog.

This worries me. If Pazam is truly as concerned that they will be seen as transphobic as they claim, why are they deleting anything that could give them a chance of showing their own side of the story?

Now, that is the end, for now, of Pazam’s history with transphobia. However! It is not the end for some other very shady things.

Namely, Pazam has consistently whitewashed characters from Smile For Me, specially Kamal, and when called out on it, simply deletes the asks.

Want to know how I know this?

I sent them an ask myself. I had come across this picture of Boris and Kamal:

And I knew that this wasn’t right. I can understand using light colors and doing watercolor, but if they can make Boris’ hair brown and vivid enough, why not Kamal? He looks like another character completely, or like he’s deathly sick! 

So I sent them an anonymous ask, perhaps a bit exhasperated, true, and my wording could be better. It went something like: “i am begging you to draw kamal with darker skin”.

I waited, checked. But nothing came of it. They never answered it.

Pazam flat out ignored when they were told they had drawn a canonically brown man with skin way too light. Not even a lone text post saying ‘hey anon, i dont agree with you’ or ‘hey anon im sorry it wont happen again’. Nothing. No word, no opinion.

And with this situation going on with them evading responsibility, I can’t say I’m fully surprised.

And, yet another thing. People had expressed concern over the fact they had drawn their Flower Kid, who is 17, in very intimate and close positions with Dr. Habit. It included nuzzling faces, cuddling in bed together, wearing his coat...

And they did hear the claims this time. As of now, their Flower Kid is 24, according to them.

Except... They do not look 24. At. All.

this is a 12 year old. at best. short body, stubby legs, big head. those are all attributes of a very young character, usually children. like, legitimately, thats how childrens anatomy is in real life. the younger the person, the bigger their head is in proportion to their body.

We have already had an adult trying to justify drawing their flower kid who barely looked like an adult if at all in intimate situations with Habit. Let’s not let it slide by again.

And yes, I’m aware Pazam claims that those pictures were not supposed to be interpreted as romantic, ‘only platonic fluff’ and that they intend to keep it that way, but I have talked to my boyfriend who is a survivor and he said it very well could be a case of someone just trying to cover their tracks.

BUT, all that being said, maybe this one particular instance could be just us being wary. Still, it does not diminish all that they have done, specially ignoring the whitewashing claims.

What you are going to do with this information, I do not know. Maybe you don’t care and will keep reblogging their content. Maybe you’re disgusted by them. But I’m just here to give you the facts. Personally though, I’m not willing to give them much of a chance after the way they’ve behaved. They are 24 years old, three years older than me, and I think I could do a better job of handling a situation like this, frankly.

[sastrugie]

my christmas break starts this friday as well! what’s up with your coworker? have her test results come back? is she doing okay?

alright, so my fav topics include:

- the russian revolution, as already stated :D

- the cold war (mostly from the east european point of view)

- the tudors

- victorian era england

i also really love peaky blinders (the show) and i occasionally enjoy reading about how different gangs operated back in those days but i don’t know much lmao

also, monarchy is just such a terrible system but i completely get your interest in the people! for example, i also adore reading and learning about the tudors and the romanovs but only as a part of history and not because i’m such a big fan of the monarchy? lmao if that makes sense.

and like, i lowkey get why the bolsheviks thought they needed to assassinate the whole family but it’s also really sketchy, dude ://

i think i like britain’s history just because it’s so rich and influential, but like we simply can’t ignore the fucked up shit they’ve done through the centuries. so again, i enjoy it but mostly because i love judging them for their actions lmao

and to answer your question, i don’t really know if i have many historical favs? i feel like i enjoy way too many problematic people lmao. nevertheless, the ones i’m most interested in atm are: lenin (shockers), anne boleyn, anne bonny, malcolm x - this list shifts constantly depending on my mood though.

oh shush you, i’m sure your style is bombing based on everything i just read :)

lmao i actually do that sometimes, but mostly in my mother tongue! but i also just love shakespearean insults in english, those are impeccable

and merci beaucoup! good luck with russian; maybe you’ll be able teach me a few phrases in the future :D

ooh what are you studying atm? if you don’t mind sharing, that is.

and me, i’d like to become a psychologist some day, so that’s pretty far from history as well haha but i never want the enthusiasm to die ever and i’m really loving how the two of us can just scream to each other about history in every single ask/answer :D

thank you so much for these beautiful recommendations, i’ll definitely check them out!!

here are some of mine:

books:

- maria stuart by stefan zweig (german author, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you to find it!!)

- red crosses by sasha filipenko (fiction about the stalinist regime)

- the age of light by whitney scharer (historical fiction again lmao; tells the story of photographers lee miller and man ray’s romance in the 30s with little snippets into wwii through lee’s pov; the writing was stunning)

- sapiens by yuval noah harari (basically the history of mankind; so informative and enjoyable, i adored it)

- the real peaky blinders by carl chinn (what the title says, really; the actual gangs of birmingham and their not so shiny careers)

these are the best ones i read in 2020 but i’ll let you know if i remember any of my other reads!!

i also haven’t read any actual books about the 1917 revolution because i haven’t really had the chance to go to the library yet and i’ve been busy doing my research on the internet haha (it’s a fairly new hyperfixation of mine, to be frank). however, i’ll hit you up if i find anything worthwhile <3

documentaries:

- the russian revolution (the title speaks for itself lmao)

- genius of the modern world (3-part docuseries about marx, nietzsche and freud)

- world war ii in colour (lmao just a classic, innit)

- secrets of great british castles

- the last tzars (tho i’m pretty sure you’re quite familiar with this one haha)

- forbidden history

- secrets of the six wives

- anything by lucy worsley, tbh

these are all off the top of my head but again, i’ll let you know if i remember any more!!

oml i apologise for the long message and i hope your week is going well :D

dont apologize for long messages! <3 im always happy to talk to you 

sadly her test was positive UGH which means i have to get myself tested too (today) and if the worst case happens: i´ll have to spend christmas alone in my student flat bc then i obviously cant go home to my family (my grandparents live there..) so yeah, today 14:20 o clock... i have the test :( cross your fingers for me pls huhuhu

thats cool that we have the russian revolution and vicxtorian era as common interest ^^ i read a book recently its called “the ordeal” and its a triology written by alexej tolstoi during the times of the revolution. its a story about two sister and their love interests during the war times and its really good!!! 

oh i barely know anything about the tudors! pls hmu

ah yes.. the cold war... i have to admit im rather interested in the music and sociology of the cold war times but the political stuff is super interesting too! esp as you said from an east european view, so we can talk about that too!

yep. monarchy sucks! i understanbd from like a logical point of view why they shot them all, but the human side of me thinks its just cruel.. i mean yeah tsar nicholas wasnt a good politician but he wasnt a bad person either. but yeah, a difficult topic.. tbh he´s the only romanov im really interested in (i really dislike his wife alexandra tho lmao) hbu? 

leninnn :D i kinda excpected that! i havent really read much about him but he seems to be an interesting person! and who is anne boyd? malcom X yes! im really interested into the civil rights movement as well. I really like martin luther king jr.

englands history really fascinates me, and i honestly cant tell you why... but it is what is is hahhaa! nand duuudeeee omg they fucked so many shit up.. the british are a funny nation. but honestly none is unproblematic and every nation screwed up big time once:D judging is really important when youre intereste din history! like im interested in king george and queen mary but not solely for political reasons, more actually for their personal lives and victorian times and how they were as a couple, but i know... they did bad stuff too!

omg teach me some shakespearean insults pls! i only know a few victorian ones! and a bit of sixties slang :D 

im gonna reblog this and add some russian phrases bc my russian keyboard in on my phone :) but i use duolingo so the sentences are ... really weird lmao

im studying physical geography in Erlangen right now and am in my 7th semester.) im actually writing my bachelor thesis rn UGHHHHHHH

ohhhhh psychology is cool!! im really intersted in it, sadly i cant ever be one bc i suffer from poor mental health too much myself, in fact i have an appointment my therapist in a few minutes haha BUT i think youre super trustworthy and nice and easy to talk to so these are really good qualities for a therapist <3<3<3<3

AHHHHHHHHHHH THANKS!! 

i already read sapiens! its so good! and i know maria stuart by schiller haha but oml i love stefan zweig so imma add it on my list

ok and i will watch ALL of these (except the last tsars bc yeah i already saw it! and liked it ... kinda .. i didnt like the actor they chose for nicky, he didnt remind me of him at all)

i have alot of historical fiction books to recomment too: 

if you like ww2 “a time to live and a time to die”

ww1: “all quiet on the western front”

russian revolution and war time “the ordeal”

“intrige” by robert harris is also good (france 1896)

oh and documentary wise:

they shall not grow old is a coloured ww1 docu!

thank you so much for everything again i love talking to you :) have a nice day <3 (sorry for typos i was in a hurry)

[batfam-imagines]

I literally love your batfam writing so much, can I request something? Can batsis (biological daughter of Bruce) be adapted after her mum dies and she's obsessed with makeup and loves it so all the boys think she's shallow and conceited? But she's not? Thank you so much

Makeup

Tim flops on the couch beside his eldest brother, “Did yousee her room? She’s got a one of those makeup mirror things. The one with thelights in the mirror and all the drawers. When I walked by, she was filling thewhole thing up with makeup”

“Are you serious? Who needs that much makeup?”

“I don’t think Steph, Cass, and Babs have that much makeupcombined. I mean I know her mom was a model and all, but she must be stupid shallowand obsessed with her looks”

There’s a soft creak as the door open and both boys glanceup to see the newest member of the Wayne household standing awkwardly in thedoorway. “Hi, Alfred said that you two were in here … he said that you guys wouldn’tmind giving me a bit of a tour. I only know where my room and the kitchen is …”

Dick lets out a put-upon sigh and heaves himself off thecouch, “Yeah, come on, I’ll show you around.”

Y/N glances up at him when they’re passing one of the hugebay windows, “You know, you have beautiful cheekbones, they’d be perfect be forsome highlight. And Tim has some beautiful eyelashes, I have to use falsies ormascara to that kind of length. You know I have -”

“Not everyone needs makeup to feel good about themselves,Y/N”

She freezes for a few seconds before catching up to him, “Iknow. I don’t use makeup because I don’t feel good about myself. I use it becauseit makes me confident, it’s like a mask that helps me take on the world. Ienjoy makeup, I don’t need it, Dick.” Her eyes lock with his, “This familyshould know all about mask, right?”

Dick almost chokes out a disbelieving laugh, that’s definitelysomething he’ll need to bring up to Bruce but for now he’ll ignore it. “So, youhave all that different makeup, and spend all that money just because you likeit?”

“I actually get a lot of my makeup for free. I have a YouTubechannel where I teach people how to put on makeup, so different makeupcompanies will sometimes send me their new pallets or supplies for me to testout and review. Mom taught me to be confident in who I am, to love myself andothers based on who they are as a person. I try to help my followers becomeconfident in themselves while I’m teaching them how to do makeup” The older manjust continues to stare at her, “Maybe you shouldn’t judge people on their outwardappearance and try to get to know them first”

Y/N quickly walks the rest of the way down the hall andstraight into her room while Dick slowly makes his way back toward the livingroom where Tim is still sitting. “So how was it? Was she completely airheaded,or could she actually hold a conversation?”

“She actually seems pretty smart, like she had a reason forhaving so much makeup. I guess she uses it all for her YouTube channel, and tohelp other people gain confidence in themselves”

Tim quickly sits up, “Do you know what her YouTube name is?I want to look her up”

“I don’t know, just search her name, it’ll be her mom’s lastname”

Tim types for a minute, “I found her … holy shit, she hasover 8 million followers”

“You’re kidding me. She was telling the truth? Play one ofher videos”

The two boys play a random video from two months ago. Y/Ntalks about how it doesn’t matter how much makeup someone layers on their faceif they’re ugly on the inside it’ll show. She talks about just being confidentin everything you do and in believing in yourself. The boys end up watchingvideo after video. Watching as she does casual day makeup, or night out makeup.How sometimes her mom or friends will appear in the videos and she’ll do theirmakeup as well as her own and the guest will share their own words of wisdom.The last video the two end up watching is the most recent one Y/N had posted,dated for only a few days after her mother had passed away. It isn’t a makeupvideo at all, it talks about loss and figuring out how live life after losingsomeone so important. Y/N talks about Bruce, how her father who she’s never metintends to take her in and adopt her. Finally, it wraps up by saying that shedoesn’t know when she’ll be able to post again, or even if she’ll be able to answeranyone messages.

“Did we completely misjudge her and act like total assholesto a girl who just lost her only parent up until recently? We’ve both lost ourparents and we were total assholes to her just because we assumed she wasshallow and conceited, when really she just likes makeup and uses it to expressherself”

Dick groans, letting his head fall into his hands, “How dowe make this up to her?”

“Maybe we should follow her advice and actually get to knowher. I think … I think we should treat her like a member of the family insteadof like an outsider. We need to talk to Jason and Damian, you know they’ll cometo the same conclusion we did and yeah, Damian’s gotten a little better overthe years, but he still doesn’t have much a filter.”

“You’re right. I have a great idea. We should have a siblingmovie night, then we call all get to know her at the same time and she can getto know us. She won’t feel so alone here afterwards”

“Perfect! Just us tonight, and maybe next week we can getall the girls over here too?” Dick quickly nods his agreement, “I’m going totell Alfred and see if he can whip up some snacks for us. Can you call Jasonand get Damian?”

“Yeah, I got them. I really hope this works. We might havejust ruined our relationship with Y/N because we judged her over her makeup andnot her personality. We should know better, god we’re so stupid” Dick lets outa soft sigh and pulls out his phone, “Let’s just hope she can forgive us”

A voice clears behind them. Both vigilantes whip around,their eyes wide, having not even heard the door open, “You know, I’d forgiveyou a lot quicker if you’d apologize, that’s typically how these things works”

“Y/N, you scared the crap out of me!” Dick lets out a shakybreath, “I’m sorry … We’re sorry for judging you without getting to know you.We’ve known a lot of models and just kinda assumed that you were like all of them.I didn’t mean to judge you, or insult you”

“I understand. I’m a stranger coming into your guys house.You don’t know me, you guys didn’t even know I existed until recently, so ofcourse you’d assume things about me. That doesn’t make it right though, howeverI’m going to forgive you this time. I want to get to know my new brothers, solet’s put this behind us, okay?”

Tim grins, “Thank you. So we were gonna have a movie nighttonight, the four of us guys and you if you want. A way for all of us to get toknow you and for you to get to know us … if you want”

Y/N grins, “I’d love to, that sounds like fun … but we NEEDto have some kettle corn for the movie and some cookies”

Both guys snort, “I thought you were all into the healthy lifestyleand being the best you can be? That’s what your videos said”

“That’s what some of them said, but then I also say that it’sokay to indulge as long as you do it in moderation. So, I’ll be going to the gymtomorrow, but tonight we can watch movies and eat what we want”

“Sounds like a plan, I’ll call Jay and go talk to Damian”

“I’ll go ask Alfred if he can make cookies, you haven’t hadthe chance to try Alfie’s cookies yet, Y/N. They’re amazing!”

[01010010-posts]

— my white sighs quietly melted with the stars above.

it all started with a simple ‘you’re a slowpoke??’ text and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply immediately after. ‘I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person’. absolutely no, you scoffed, as if you were going to be tricked again ‘bitch don’t play the wrong number card because you didn’t catch the bus’. he was amused by your obstinacy and lightly worried about the supposed receiver, who, it appeared, was very clumsy; ‘please, control the number you texted, I’m Connor.’ boy he sure was. not your pal, not someone else in your contact list, just.... Connor. ‘god, i apologize!! thank you for telling me! ps. didn’t mean to call you a bitch, connor’ and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply. connor: shouldn’t you be in bed by now? you: but,,,, i wanted to chat with u a little more connor: as an android sleep is not required but you, as a human, need to rest. we can always continue talking tomorrow. you: :( what if you have a long case tomorrow?? mh?? what if?? what you’re gonna say in your defense then?? connor: don’t worry :) I’ll find time for you. you: ok you win goodnight ☆ connor: sweet dreams. goodnight, [name]. it’s been three months since you’ve first spoken with him. intimacy there but low, how obvious it is that the two of you are proceeding with caution. yet you can’t help but write to him every day, staying up late while waiting for an answer of his, often checking your mobile and getting unsettled when there’s no signal. it’s strange, your colleagues whisper, how can you be so attached to someone if you’ve never even seen him? of course, you know it. you don’t wish for a pretty face, you only wish for a pretty personality. with a heavy sigh and a loud poof you pull the white duvet up to your head, finding comfort by completely hiding inside the warm embrace. you tightly hug a pillow, pretending that it’s him, returning your affection and cuddling, maybe caressing you too inasmuch, as he said, ‘androids don’t need to sleep’. but is it bad to fantasise? you: I’m deeply sorry.... sweetheart: >:( you: [name], it’s the seventh text-made emoji you’ve sent me.... they expressed some sort of anger so I’d prefer if we discussed about whatever is bothering you. sweetheart: >:(( you: I’m begging you.... sweetheart: you’re grounded and your punishment is enduring the wrath of weird angery text-based emoji :< you: what did I do to deserve this? :’( sweetheart: i sent you a heart & you didn’t send it back to me you: gosh! how clumsy of me! could you ever forgive this fool? sweetheart: mhhh it depends. what are you willing to do to be pardoned? you: I’ll send you whatever heart I possess! 💕💖💗💖 sweetheart: THIS IS UNFAIR!!! he’s silently giggling all by himself, in the cold room lit by his blue led circling at a steady rhythm– no, it’s not the temperature, rather it’s the atmosphere; ‘cold’. he’s still grappling with emotions and developing tastes is– well, to put it simply, complicated. he’s heartened with the fact that you once said, at the sight of a photo of his bed and the corner within, that being minimalistic is a style too. though, possibly, his true self is one of a clutterer of knick-knacks. of course, he’d like you to help him pick what ornaments would suit him the best. you: wtf i dont believe it connor♡ : but it does! you: prove it MIKU HATSUNE connor♡ : listen here human it’s not my fault you haven’t got the chance to witness an android external fluid deactivating you: !!!!! are you bragging?? connor♡ : ahahaha I’m joking it’s sending a video right now you watch ecstatically as soon as the app downloads the file, your chest throbbing with pleasurable anxiety. how can it be? he’s kind, precious AND fucking handsome, skin or no skin. you bet bad things will happen to you today to balance this sheer luck. think it thoroughly, it’s actually the first time you see his face. you: u’r cute also how does your hair work man connor♡ : thank you :) it’s connected to my head so.... you: i get it cybernetic magic your secrets are safe with me connor♡ : ahahaha and I was concerning myself about disgusting you you: WHAT fuck no you’re done that way, ok, it’s cool ok? kept it in mind are you allowed to insert ♡ near his name and not tell him? you: I’m waiting!! :/ sweetheart: so needy you: come on, [name]! sweetheart: tru tho you: >audio file cooome ooooonn sweetheart: !!! im ready pick up idiot the monitor lits and here you are, gorgeous. he’s certain that his heart melted on the spot. such is the sensation you give him every time you send him a photo, his thirium pump skipping a beat and making him inevitably somewhat gasping for air, mouth barely closed. he’s not accustomed to all the new features deviancy brought but in this he’s confident, he’s head over heels in love with you. you: what?? you’ve already seen the movie?? love♡ : yeah! I went with Hank! it was very nice, you should see it too you: WELL id kill to (please don’t arrest me detective) but nobody wants,,,, love♡ : why is that? (I won’t arrest you if you behave) you: something along the lines of not their genre or some shit uff (seems sketchy) love♡ : what about going alone? (it isn’t!!) you: it would be too sad :’(  love♡ : I’m sorry to hear that, if I could be there I’d accompany you and wouldn’t mind seeing it a second time. you: yes i know.... what is it? six months? more? you hardly remember, having so many messages in here, it would be too difficult to keep track, though you’re positive, that if you asked him he’d tell you in an instant, since he’s so attentive with that little brain-computer of his. you close your lids, tapping your fingers on the desk, it’s wearing, you must admit. you like him, a lot at this point, but being so far and out of reach.... what can come out of this? friends don’t support you either, ignoring this blatant crush, trying to make you hook-up with people met at a bar, getting annoyed at you constantly texting, preaching that a long distance relationship is not worth your time and your effort, and it’s not even a relationship, isn’t it? you’re not on that level. you’re just weirdos keeping themselves company. bummed out a bit, you decide that maybe avoiding him for a couple of days might be a proper solution. will he feel your absence? will he miss you? you: is everything all right? sweetheart: yes. you: are you sure? sweetheart: yep im,,,, swamped with work, the drill you: that I understand but perhaps I did something wrong? sweetheart: ?? you: you’ve been acting kinda cold lately, and if I’m the cause of that I’m sorry. being a deviant is good sometimes, and sometimes is not. it was great until a while ago so why now.... now....? he feels so lost. it’s understandable to have a job and a life outside this bond but– but is it really? is it okay for you to be without him? you’d manage fine. mhh no– the real question is: is it okay for him to be without you? can he be without sending you a text at least once a day? can he be without hearing your voice at least once a week? can he be without your usual video calls at least twice a month? can he be without seeing you, over a screen, cooking your dinner and singing? can he be? can he exist without you? he’s.... starting to doubt that. sweetheart: no i’m i’m the one whos sorry, okay? we can call tomorrow you: I don’t want to press you into anything you don’t want to sweetheart: you’re not! i’ll make up for not having been so present! you sigh, suffocating yourself on the pillow, how can you be this dense? this stupid? this utter moronic?? unequivocally he was going to worry. you made him worry. fuck. you’re going to trust your guts, no dumb jokes, it’s obvious that you both care about the other and can’t stay apart for too long. you: i know it’s 3AM and you told me to not be awake but i cant i cant okay? im thinking of you and me and you and it began because im a mess so it shouldnt be a surprise i havent gotten better this past year has been.... the best. yeah i fucked up and tried to be distant, to see if sth would change but it didnt i love waking up and finding a text from you, i love the sound of your voice trying to lull me goodnight when im being a spoiled child, i love how you’re so gentle & how you always forgive me and mostly i love you not as a friend, definitely as more, definitely like a lover and i know that you’re so caring that you’ll probably still want to talk with me even if the affection’s not mutual you lock your phone’s screen and place it on the nightstand. the orange light from the streets seeping through the curtains and soaking your covers, and now that your eyes are free to roam, it’s easier to notice the soft feathers’ filling making tiny shadows on your face. poor poor geese. your fingertips slightly touch the stitches, your heartbeat pacing furiously from the strong emotions, both trepidation and fear running your veins. what if he doesn’t feel the same? what if he’s been polite this whole time and you overstepped his boundaries? what if? love♡ is typing.... ping! love♡ : I love you too, honey. but please, don’t scare me again, I think I lost four biocomponents when you suddenly stopped replying to me. also you should sleep. you: im pouring my heart out ugly crying and!!!! you’re too casual nooo it’s no big deal baby we just fucking love each other it’s totally ok incoming call from love ♡ “hey....” his tone slow and almost drowsy “i thought it was clear enough.” words rolling off his tongue, the same that he’d tenderly run across you, kissing, tasting, worshipping your body “i hate you.” you sniffle and there’s a chuckle on the different end “i love you.” you smile, wiping off the tears wetting your cheeks with the back of your right hand “i love you too.”

[eslinogambino-blog]

Im a transguy and trying to get to know this girl on a dating site but i am lying to her and i dont know how to turn it around. she wants to meet and i dont know what to say to her but shell find out if we take it to the next level i cant so what do i say to reverse it. btw im glad you are back. your advice has always helped me

Dating when transgender is a whole new experience to dating as someone born the gender they present as, which I’m sure you’re seeing. But it also isn’t in my opinion. Maybe I’m transgender. Maybe I’m cisgender. Maybe I’m a chicken nugget. Maybe it’s maybelline. Maybe I’m gay. Maybe I’m straight. Who knows. Either way, I see approaching relationships the same.

When I’m getting to know a girl, I talk to her for a long time before I meet her. I would say out of 50 messages I might have with women, I only meet 5 maximum. The other 45 I decided wouldn’t fit me or I didn’t vibe with the right way. I saved myself a lot of heartbreak and rejection that way.

For someone who is transgender it’s no different really. You should always take the time to get to know someone, understand their view points and personality. After all depending on the point you are in within your transition can make it pretty impossible to meet up for just a hook up. This is where things are different and this prolonged process of getting to know someone is almost essential to move forward. Going on a date without her knowing, is sort of allowing her to assume something about you that if she knew more, maybe she’d be uncomfortable or confused, sometimes even feel betrayed. Some people just outright aren’t okay with it and could even react violently. It’s not okay but it does happen.

I would say during this beginning period of just talking, to be a friend. Don’t have your hopes up, but be confident in who you are and what you can offer. Avoid romantic or sexual conversations. This isn’t the wrong thing to do no matter your identity, it’s always good to respect someone as a person before assuming you fit in other ways. Find out her political beliefs. Find out her position on bullying or the underdog. gay people. etc… a lot of these things will help you know if she’s harshly against it or even mildly understanding of it. When you have an indication, if it’s positive, move forward. If negative, its over. You no longer need to talk to her, and you never got your emotions involved so no harm, no foul, move along to the next. Keep her friendship if you’d like but she isn’t interested. You also didn’t have to tell her something personal about yourself that you’d probably regret revealing.

Upon moving forward, drop small hints. Never make jokes about your balls if you don’t have them, never try to overcompensate with hypermasculinity and being a man if its something that you struggle with. Try being transparent without actually saying you’re transgender directly. It should be somewhat obvious there is something different about you in regards to masculinity or typical gender norms before you meet without you directly making a deal of it. If she gets the hint and doesn’t like it, she’ll do you the favor and go away. Don’t chase her, she is not interested.

Eventually when you feel safe reaching and speaking with her on deeper topics, especially social ones that make you different, then I would initiate meeting. You don’t have to tell her yet, it’s already obvious she’s cool with it as a person, finding out if shes cool with it romantically is only after things actually become romantic. If you meet up and she’s flirting, seems romantically drawn to you, and assumes its a date, then I would be comfortable enough to entertain the IDEA of liking her back but not really give that all back. She’ll notice something is off, your engagement in return to her seems off. She might ask and that’s your opportunity to tell her, or you can tell her later if things went well that you’re not like other guys, there are some things that are different and you think she’s cool but you don’t know how she’d feel about it.

She might just tell you she already kinda knew. She might ask you what that entails. So answer her questions. If she’s as understanding as you’ve made sure she is, then she will be cautious in her questions. If the questions are fitting to romantic or sexual desires, then she is probably interested in less of what it means to you and more in how it affects her. So tell her honestly, what you intend to do in your transition, what you’ve already done, what you are comfortable with and what you expect from a woman. Be sensible and logical, not everything needs to be so personal and detailed.

I think with dating women it’s easier in some ways. Certain women at least. They’re more receptive to taking an emotional stance on things. So you have some leverage there. A woman will be more calm and understanding of your reveal. Let’s say she denies you, you missed the mark, you thought she liked you and would be understanding and she’s not. That’s okay, you have others to talk to thankfully, you never got fully invested, and you only told someone who understood and wont judge you for it or go around telling people your business. You made a real genuine friend.

if she is cool with it, I would just continue the friendship and see if things get romantic. Don’t bring up the trans thing, you’re just a guy. No need to make jokes about it, no need to make her think about it. You’re just a guy, she already got her questions answered in regards to that. Things will naturally just go on like any relationship.

I’d give 2 months minimum for this all to develop and she’ll appreciate you more for actually getting to know her.

For trans women, I would say withhold sex. Normalize being transgender. Some men will only be willing to engage with you sexually if they are fetishizing you, because their perceived masculinity requirements wont allow them to see you romantically. It’s a lot harder in my opinion. I would say withhold sex, be a person, be a friend. Find out his views, find out his comforts, slowly ease in the idea that youre different from other women and if he rejects you, is mean to you, slanders you.  You just say : i apologize that you feel mislead at all by how I am, I never intended for that, I really think youre a cool person and I didnt know if you’d be open to it. It was worth a try, I dont really see you romantically just yet anyway, but I thought it’d be cool to chill. But thanks anyway for taking the time to get to know me as a person.” and you can block them or withstand another threat or insult, or maybe hear him out. Maybe a friendship will arise and maybe it will become more if he sees there is no pressure.

I try to encourage everyone who is trans to not be so open about it immediately. Don’t deceive, just only reveal it when you are comfortable with someone. Profile should say male or female if thats what you identify as. The trans thing is more what youve done or are doing, youre transitioning but its not WHAT or WHO you are. It’s not really an identity at all, it’s kind of the background noise or schematics of it all. If you treat it that way, others will, too….most of the time.

As for reversing a lie, I would say that you got yourself in a tough spot. I would become a bit distant and less romantic with this person to make it clear you are guilty or feel like you’ve overstepped. Usually when you step back, someone steps forward…at least if they care. So you step back, she steps forward, you explain you havent been honest and youre not really like other dudes and you feel like you’ve mislead her and you’ll understand if she doesnt want to go forward with things. She’ll encourage you but dont play games, make sure you feel comfortable. There is a risk here. When you feel you’ve beat around it enough and she’s let down her guard enough, reveal. I would also start to check her political views and ideas about social events going on before revealing no matter what. It’s extremely important to do that. She might reveal she is a die hard trump fan, anti lgbt hardcore and you know to just stop talking to her. Why would you want to be with someone like that anyway? Cis or Trans?

Basically, treat it like any other relationship but prolong the intimate stuff until you know them better. Everyone will be saved from  a lot of heartbreak, rejection and embarrassment. You never have to get too attached to the potential of someone else if your options are always open to being friends or maybe something else, who knows, If you have an agenda, I dont think you should be dating people anyway. If youre not willing to be genuinely interested in them as a person, you’re just going to hurt them eventually anyway, whether they see passed it or not.

[sunfowers]

All the evens

ur really gonna do that , huh ?

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”? answered !

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk? im an aquarius and infj and kates a leo and infp and i know nothing about the supposed compatibility but i think that kind of stuff is intresting

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it. the first time we both fell asleep together just makes my heart !!!! i think that when i first started to accept that i actually loved her as more than my best friend

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not? her parents arent :-( but some of her siblings are of the lgbt community so they probably would be ! and my mom knows i like girls and i think ? she knows i have a gf but she doesnt know its kate , but im going to tell her as soon as i can . my brother knows about her too and he actually encouraged me to ask her out dhfshksksk but i dont think it really matters if our families are supportive or not . we love each other and we dont need anyones approval

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day? shfkjshdk no and idk ! im not a huge fan of kids but i think i may want to adopt one in the future

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help? answered !

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future? no :-( but im pretty sure im visiting for spring break next year ! and i might try to get down there by the end of the summer but we’ll see !

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you? that i dont have to feel bad or apologize for the way i am , i can just work on parts i dont like and learn to accept myself . and everything shes done to help me with my self worth

18. Describe the perfect day with your partner. It can be something that’s already happened, or something that you plan to do. not to be like That but , any day with her in person would be the perfect day . i really want to just lay in bed with her and listen to music and cuddle and make out tbh

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more? we cant do any of these yet :-( but we watch movies on netflix together

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn? i dont think we’ve had an argument yet ? we both are scared of confrontation and are too worried about accidentally making the other person mad to argue . its also the only perk of long distance that ive thought of

24. Do you have a shipname? hdfhskh @theraeandgo calls us elite

26. Has your partner ever inspired something creative like your art, writing, etc? Oh Yea , we both draw each other or make things for each other a lot dklsjflkjs

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc? probably ! but i have the memory of a gold fish so idk

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled? i mean .. we both are attracted to each other anf we’re happily dating so

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier? We Are Both SO Dumb And Neither Of Us Are Actually Funny We’re Just Too Big Of Fools To Realise It . but yea ! we laugh all the time but we both have the worst sense of humour like i’ll say something wrong anf itll derail the entire conversation and idk whos funnier were both just dumb !

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before? we both have our rough patches and they just bring us closer , we’re each other’s support system

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc? shes such an amazing artist !!! x x shes so smart and really good with words , i really like when she uses a big word and i have to look it up fjksdlfjls shes just so smart 

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them? i think so ! we haven’t talked about the future in depth that much since we’re both so young and we havent been dating for that long , but yea i can definitely see her being in the rest of my life , and i think our relationship has a really good dynamic and its not one sided and we work really well together

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything. heck yea @angellfallendown !! i hope this doesnt wake u up but i love you ! i hope you have a nice day tomorrow 💗 i cant wait to call you 💋 sweet dreams love

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Hello love!! Oh no. Please dont apologise. It's totally normal that you are busy right now. Especially if you are now staying with your cousin. I hope you are both doing fine and sleeping a good amount of hours! How are you?? Everything is cool? (1)

Hi my lovely flower!!! (My iPad instantly suggested flower when I wrote lovely!!! Yyaaayyyy!!) first of all, sorry for taking me so long to answer you. Between being busy, tumblr that doesn’t told me you had wrote me (I think that’s fixed now) and that I’m shit at being friends… here I am after what? 2 weeks?? So, again, sorry. This is why people gets tired of me :/

Anyway, these past weeks have been a bit :/. It was my cousin’s death’s 2nd anniversary. So, you can imagine. And also, we had like the first family reunion since she left us. And I missed so much. God!! We both used to be like partners in crime at those things. Since we were kids. And I found myself a lot of times asking myself “where is she? She should heard this!” And then remembering why she wasn’t there. But my aunt had a very good day. She laughed so my much with my mom and the rest of my aunts. So, it was good for her at least.

Anyway, I’ll stop with this, bc I’ll make myself cry.

I ’m good. Thanks for asking❤ I went to the beach yesterday and it was greaaaat (although my cousins made fun of me because i was white shining). I really love summer. Do you hate it because it is too hot?? Honestly, if i didnt live near the beach i think i wouldnt like it either. Oh, and yes. I finally got all my results. I had some trouble with some of the teachers (one didnt even correct my exam. He just chose a random mark. Like???? How?) but it all worked out at the end.

Ohhh! Are you tanned yet??? (White shining? I see so little of the sun, that I even have to take vitamin D pills🙄). Yes, I hate bc I’m always sweating, I can’t sleep at night, at the shop we have like 35ºC all day every day, so there’s moments where we can’t even breath. Am I whining? Yes, maybe, but I don’t care, jajajaa. I like the concept of living near the beach on winter, and instead on going to the park with a book, I’d go to the beach. But I don’t like it in the summer,jajajaj.

Your teacher didn’t correct your exam? And I’m guessing yours wasn’t the only one. I’d say they correct 75% of the exams, and the rest they just guess the note… but well, if it worked, I’m very happy for you. You can now relax on the beach all you want. Will you look for a job finally??

JAJAJA. Luckily (or unluckily i dont know what to think) Louis hasnt released anything yet, so you havent missed the drama. I dont want to get excited because then i always get dissapointed but after what happened with Liam yesterday (yayyyyy!🎉🎊) i am just…waiting for the other shoe to drop 👀👀👀👀 Please, do it soon. Give me good news!! (3. Ups. I think i forgot to mark num 2. What a mess)

And Louis hasn’t done anything yet :( have you seen him today?? I saw something in my dash,jajajaja, he at the match. Well, in London, I think. I’ve been so disconnected of tumblr lately!!! Every time I log in I see people talking but I can’t never find what about,lol. I just reblog a pic or two, so my blog isn’t death,lol. 

But did you see the last thing they said about Liam? (Or what I think is the last thing), that his album has been delayed bc he wants to include a song about Cheryl??? I don’t understand why would he, but well, who can understand anything. Anyway, why is always a step forward, and two steps backward?? 

Anyway! Have a good day/week. I miss you and i wish you the beeeest. I’ m sending you lots of love💝💖💞💓😘 (Also, I’m sorry that I just talked about me. I dont want to ask many questions and make you feel pressured to answer or anything like that because i know that you are busy. So…) I dont have cookies this time, but i do have some ice cream here –>🍦🍦🍦. I hope this pleases your inbox and so that this 4 part message reaches you safe and sound. Bye Soraya!😘 (4)

I miss you too!!! (I actually wanted to tell you about missing my cousin back on the day, but I was with the family and then my phone died, so… and like I never think my problems are important to anyone, so I bottle it up inside myself, and I don’t bother anyone) hey! Don’t apologize for talking about yourself, I love hearing things about you! I know you don’t like to share a lot about yourself, so I appreciate every bit of it,jejejeje (but also, dong feel pressured about sharing!!)

How is being the summer for you? how is the weather around there? Os it letting you go to the beach then? Bc here it is being a bit of shit,jajaja (so god for me): raining, storms… LOVELY!!!🤣🤣🤣.

Come to yell at me whenever I’m being elusive, please. And also, come to remind me to take my vitamin d pill this next Sunday, please!! I have to take it every 2 weeks, and I know I’ll forget,lol. 

Thank you so much for “aguantarme”. Wish you the best!! 😚😚😚

[admirablemushroom]

chat with a stranger

[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story

[cuppyhands]

Hi hi its 🐝 ! That's good to hear! No I don't think I have given away anything,, that's a relief I was really worried when I entered this that I'll accidentally reveal myself lol. I havent gotten around to starting anything new, I'm watching cherry magic and tgcf rn and theyre both amazing! Started legend of fei too, it's not bl but I really like it. I'm also reading the tgcf novel again so that takes up most of my time. Ahh you do, then Merry Christmas for tomorrow then!

Not for the question who are your top 5 characters that you adore -🐝

Hi Little Bumblebee,

Merry Christmas to you too, I hope you have a lovely day.

I know the feeling, every time I message mine. I am always wondering if I really put it as anonymous and I would freak out until they reply and I notice I did ask it as anonymous. Lol.

I am watching Legend of Fei too, and I am loving it but maybe is because I am a sucker for WY.

Haven’t seen Cherry Magic yet but I am hopping I will soon.

I have to think about this question because incredible enough no one comes to mind, I mean that’s a complete lie Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian come to mind but if you’re asking in regards to all the bl characters I know *scratches head* besides those two idiots I am a blank canvas. I really don’t know. Oh wait I also adore Jack and Zhao from HIStory 3. Wow this is a harder question that I thought it would be or maybe I just never ask it of myself.

Hope that answer your question to a point, I do apologize for the short unhelpful answer I gave you.

Bye 💛

[princephil]

ok can i rant sorta real quick bc im sad

Iok im going to anyway bc i cant keep it in any longer,, ok so ive been in a horrible mood for the past few weeks and ive been so stressed and angry and i want to cry all of the time and its hard for ne to talk about it to anyone bc most of it deals with thr leople i need yo rant to,, but like i wna watch st but i dont have netflix so i cant and i told ny gf and she started watching iy on her best friends account and she wkuldnt answer me earlier bc she was watching it and ny mom wont get it +

+ and yhen ny sister sent ne a sc of her watching it and im on twitter alot and so everyone talks about it and i want to watch it so bad but i cant and it nakes me extremely angry i am going to COMBUST,, and then i have 3 Cs in school and i just cant get my graded up because its my first year of hs and my kom made me take all honors classes and an AP class and i cant grt ny work done correctly and have time to do ny sport and i dont understand most of my work i grt and so it makes me feel so +

(rest under cut)

+ bad about myself because i feel syupid because everyone else can do it with the same classes and they actually have friends amd social lives and they all have As and i nust dont understand how they do it and i hate it so much,, and i alwyas feel like im super abnoying becausr im an idiot and i never syop talki g when i get comfy with my friends and im so needy and i absolutely hate myself ,, also my gf is online and she lives about 3hrs away and she really wants to meet up and imm super +

+ stressed bc we havent even skyped yet but we sc every single day an i trusy her compleyely and j ove her so much but i get sorta uncomfy bc i feel like if we meet irl ill start being rlly annoy nf,,, i know she wouldbt mind but it hurts me to think about,,, and my mom yells at me aloy and getd mad when i dont do ny chres becauude im doing hw but then when i gey bad grades she yells at ne and if she gets mad at me then ill yell back and then i cry and then sjjsjdjd idk i just feel horroble +

+ ab almost everything and im so angry and sad and so many other thigs at myself and i dont know how to fix it !! anyways yhank you so much for letting me rant inlove you so much and ive always felt really comfortable talking to yyoj about everything and im so sorry to dump all of this on you like this -💕

hi!! first of all pls don’t apologize for sending me these asks!! i’m v glad that you reached out to me and feel comfortable talking to me -is there any way for your gf to give you the password for her friend’s account? i mean since you’d be watching the same thing it wouldn’t be suspicious and her friend wouldn’t suspect anything. also theres a website called rabb.it  that you can use to watch it w/ your gf possibly!! i haven’t used it but apparently you can stream things and have little chat rooms with whoever you want so maybe your gf can stream netflix on her computer and you both can watch the show together w/ the website!!

-school is super hard and stressful and i totally feel you with this one :/ maybe talk to a guidance counsellor or a teacher or someone that you feel comfortable with and can help you (or your mom if you feel comfortable enough). Ask if there’s any peer tutoring going on at your school (my school had a program where older kids would tutor the younger ones but idk if this is a thing in other schools). I can imagine how hard honour & AP classes are!!! pls don’t feel stupid for not understanding the concept and not getting A’s!! That’s definitely not the case. Sometimes there’s things we won’t be good at or things we won’t ever be able to fully grasp and sometimes things just take a lot of practice and time to be able to understand. If things get really tough pls don’t hesitate to ask someone for help

-i know you said that you know your gf wouldn’t mind, but think of it maybe in a different way! instead of thinking about you talking a lot as being annoying, think about it in a good way! Your gf will definitely find it really cute!!! I always love when my boyfriend starts talking a lot about things he enjoys, his day, random things etc etc. I know from your point of view you think you’ll be annoying, but your gf will think oppositely

-(if you can and feel comfortable and safe enough to do so) when your mom gets mad at you for not doing chores, explain that you’re trying really hard to pull your grades up. Maybe set up a daily schedule with her? Like do chores at a certain designated time period and then do homework at another time period in the day. Talk to her about how you’re struggling understanding some concepts and maybe she’ll want to try to help you out ily too and i hope at least some of this helps!!!! sorry this is all jumbled dgjhfdgdfkj but i really hope everything gets better for you!!!!