#also he blows up the death star because well ALSO FUCK TARKIN

[mirrorofliterature]

the rebels are arguing about jyn erso's plan when it happens

a young twilek rushes in, gasping

'what?'

'the emperor is dead.' the twilek stops, bewildered. 'darth vader has assumed control and. and.'

the rebel leaders have fallen silent, eerily so.

'he destroyed the death star, fired tarkin, the empire is a mess, and vader is picking a fight with the hutts -'

'what,' says mon mothma, fumbling with her datapad.

when the screen flickers on, they all see darth vader - darth vader, the galaxy's menace, the dreaded one - holding up a sign, bold big and red: FUCK ALL SLAVERS

'killing slavers is completely legal,' darth vader - darth vader, darth vader, scary man in big black suit - is saying, completely deadpan, 'indeed, they will be rewarded in my empire. I will lead by example, of course.' he pulls up a great, slimy head before tossing it into a raging inferno. 'bye bye jabba the hutt!'

bail organa sighs. 'the death star is no longer a concern, apparently,' he says, before taking a vicious swig of his caf.

his comm rings. bail looks down. he sighs some more.

'darth vader wants my opinion on 'how to run a galaxy' because 'kenobi is ignoring him'.' he puts down his comm. 'I need a drink.'

'the empire is offering a thousand credits per slaver, apparently.'

.

the republic slowly rebuilds, under the guise of an empire, because emperor vader is too busy fucking over slaves, as was his true destiny.

[sassysnowperson]

💖 your angstiest nightmare fic please

Send me a 💖 and I'll share a fic idea I've had but never written.

Oh...dear. This is not my normal playground. But, that said (evil grin and plotty fingers) good excuse to have some fun. 

Alright, I’ve spent some time thinking about universes where Rogue One survives (don’t worry, it’ll get terrible, just give me a second), and those terrifying days when the plans are lost, nobody knows where Leia is. Like, how miserable would that be? You do all that, and then maybe it’s all for nothing, because the person who got your message got scooped up by Imperial soldiers. 

What if she never comes back? 

You see where I’m going with this, I’m sure. 

It got a little long, so the juicy details are under the cut. (TW Death, War Crimes, implied torture) 

Luke, Han, and Obi-Wan die before they ever rescue Leia. Jabba’s men rig the Falcon to explode, their infiltration scheme fails, SOMETHING happens and bam, they’re gone. Last of the Old Jedi, gone, first of the New Jedi, also gone. Leia’s trapped, and Tarkin has a fully functional battle station with no known weakness. 

And just to make it worse, lets say not everyone made it off of Scarif. Cassian’s gotta live, that man is Pain of Survival made manifest, it’s way worse if he doesn’t manage to sacrifice himself. Kay dies. Jyn too. And...Chirrut. Yes, I think that’s the worst combination. We’ve got guilt-ridden Cassian, traumatized Bodhi, and a completely bereft Baze who lost everything and it counted for *nothing.* Jedha’s still gone. Alderaan too. 

They broke ranks, stole half the alliance’s best personnel and then lost half the alliance’s fleet, and they *failed*. The Rebellion tosses them in a jail cell, and figures they’ll decide what to do with the turncoats later. 

Now, the upside is, there’s no Falcon to track back to Yavin, so Yavin has until Leia breaks. It’s enough time to evac, at least. 

Leia does break, eventually, I’m sure. There’s only so long anyone can hold out, when every lie she tells about where the base is means another planet, gone. Mon Cala, Chandrilla, Nab- 

Tarkin changes his mind about Naboo. He’s rubbing at his throat for weeks after. 

The Empire runs the galaxy, and there is. no. hope. 

Except. 

Cassian spends the first four hours of his imprisonment carefully drafting a mission report (on flimsi, they don’t trust him with a datapad). And in there is what Erso reported to him. There is a weakness. Somewhere in the core. The plans would show how to access it. But even without the plans...a sufficient explosion, detonated inside the core, should still do it. 

Cassian throws himself into planning the mission, scribbling it out on whatever he can get his hands on. He looks more than half-mad. Bodhi feels the failure as entirely personal. He feels helpless, he’s only made everything worse, and the universe  didn’t even have the decency to kill him for it. 

There isn’t anything he could do in the universe to do right by himself, but he drags the tattered remains of his consciousness together and helps where he can. Ship patrols, comm codes, standard battle station layouts. Baze, from his haze of grief and rage, spits curses and little else, at first. But eventually he realizes there’s some solace in vengeance, and he joins in. Squad makeup and weaponry and everything he knew from his dealings with Guerra. 

“Could use him, now,” Baze says, sounding almost regretful.

“He knows how to fight,” Cassian agrees.

Bodhi just flinches.  

They look like madmen, and their guards judge them as such. 

They’re not separated, though. And one month later Draven throws open the door of the cell and says, “Come on, then.” 

Cassian just gets up and follows immediately. Bodhi moves like a whipped dog, expecting to be struck. Cassian turns to him and says, his face made of granite and his eyes entirely blank, “If they were going to kill us, they would have killed us. They’re either going to offer us up to the Empire as a peace treaty, or put us to work.” 

“Please don’t say that first suggestion too loud, Andor,” Draven says, sounding pained. “I’ve kept you in the cell this long so they wouldn’t be tempted to lynch or sell you.” 

Bodhi, inexplicably, is relieved by that. It makes the sort of heartless sense he’s grown to expect from his superior officers. 

The Rebellion is almost entirely ship-based at this point. The remnants of the Mon Cal have nothing left to lose, and their fleet is turned to the Rebellion’s purpose. They are jumping frantically to stay ahead of the Empire that’s burning every safe place to the ground, struggling to find food and fuel and allies that would dare to provide either. It’s a desperate, hungry time, as they plan the counter-strike. 

Leia was right, though. The more Tarkin tightened his grip, the more people slip through his fingers. The Rebellion becomes a feral thing, full of soldiers who have already lost all there is to lose. 

The counter-strike isn’t neat, or elegant. It’s an ugly trojan-horse of a ground crew, Bodhi knew enough about the Empire’s transport logistics to sneak the soldiers in, along with enough explosives to blow up the moon the the Death Star wasn’t. It’s a slog of a firefight, but they punch their way through, into the core, and they wire up the explosives as quickly as they can. 

Next to Cassian, a young tech (seventeen when the Empire blew up her world) starts twitching, choking. Cassian looks up to find a black, looming figure silhouetted in the doorway, holding a shimmering red blade. 

Whatever charges they have, they need to set them, now. Cassian is reaching for the switch when a second red blade emerges, this time from the center of the figure’s chest. He collapses with mechanical moan, revealing a slim young woman, clad all in black, behind him. 

“Captain Andor,” Leia Organa calls as she steps into view. “Apologies for the dramatics, I’m afraid I’ve grown accustomed to using what I have on hand. If you can set those on a delay timer, I’ve secured our exit.” 

Leia is gaunt, sharper than Cassian remembers her. Well, they all are, these days. He dips his head. “I’ll remain behind to ensure they go. Please, do take my team.” 

“No,” Baze says, laying his hand on Cassian’s shoulder. “It’s me.” 

Cassian looks at the depth of loss in Baze’s eyes, and the grim determination there too. Cassian knows this is one battle he won’t win. 

“Of course,” he says, inclining his head. “May the Force be with you.” The words feel alien in his mouth, and Baze flinches. 

“Fuck the Force,” Baze declares. “I’ll be with me.” But then he freezes, and Cassian wonders if he’s hearing the same thing, I am one with the Force and the Force is with me. 

“Of course,” Cassian says again, and Baze gives him a crooked smile. 

“Raze their empire,” Baze orders. 

“I will,” Cassian says, and it’s a promise he intends to keep. 

He leaves, the last of his team to go, and Leia guides them all to the shuttles. They escape. 

Cassian hadn’t planned for an escape. His heart is in his throat as he watches the station, still whole, still whole, and then - white sears across his retinas, and he flinches away from the sight, even as he’s sobbing with the joy of it. He hears Bodhi on his right, breathing slow and steady for the first time since Cassian’s  known him. Leia, on his left, just gives a satisfied grunt.  

Cassian doesn’t look up, so he never sees the way Leia’s eyes don’t flinch away from the explosion. He doesn’t ever wonder why, if the light from the death star is so white it’s shading it to blue, Leia’s eyes are burning gold. 

[bardicindignation]

Oh oh oh oh for the meta !!!

#3 - What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

(I’m so curious because you have these super detailed world building set ups so I’m like ... is this ever the case for you??)

Ahhh thank you so much for the ask!!!!

oh gosh...(yeah I do go for the super detailed world building set ups, don't I? 😅😂) let's see...

Well, I'm sure if I really took the time to wrack my brains about this I could come up with several, but then I'd have to either choose or resign myself to a ridiculously long post so...alright, so, I have this star wars au floating around in my head right, and most of it is fairly serious, generally speaking, but it also contains these three (so far) scenes that are just complete and utter crackfic.

I've written a grand total of one (1) of them, which I posted on April Fools day and you can read here if you're so inclined.

As for the other two, I'm putting them under the cut bc this is still getting really long:

1) basically, I have this one scene where Ventress winds up killing Maul, then melting down his legs and then having them made into a tea set which she then gives to an extremely bemused Obi-Wan for his birthday (yes this is extremely weird, no, I don't know how the fuck I thought of it but it's strangely hilarious to me, so there you have it) which is ridiculous on it's own but then you've got

2) which is a follow up to the april fools day snippet, in which anankin-undercover-as-darth-vader convinces tarkin that Quinlan Vos is his own, entirely fictional, cousin Sergei who just so happens to look exactly like the definitely super dead Jedi Knight and who is also an extremely loyal informant for the empire. A few years later, a few more 'Imformant Sergei" incidents have happened (Anakin saw the opportunity to troll the hell out of Tarkin and ran with it; Quinlan is more than happy to facilitate this, and so is everyone else who's working with them. All incidents are recorded and safely stored to show ahsoka when they finally track her down) and what happens is this:

For leverage against the rebellion reasons, palpatine has ordered Princess Leia (roughly 15 years old at this point) taken hostage by "Vader's" "sith" apprentice, Mara Jade (who's been secretly actually Anakin's second jedi padawan since she was about seven, which Leia is aware of but Bail isn't). Rex (who is completely unaware of the whole "massive undercover rebellion right underneath the emperor's nose" thing and therefor the fact that leia isn't actually in much of any real danger) goes to investigate and try and rescue her.

Stuff happens, Palpatine orders Mara to kill Leia and Mara (who had already been planning to fake her own death, bc as she grew into her strength in the force, Palpatine had started paying more attention to her which was getting dangerous. she'll join luke and obi wan in secretly living in the secret rooms in "Vader"'s star destroyer lol) explodes the building that she was holding Leia in, successfully faking BOTH of their deaths.

Rex runs into the girls on their way out, and when a group of storm troopers spot them he decides to head them off so that Mara and Leia can escape.

This turns out to not be immediately necessary, bc said storm troopers are actually Cody and an assortment of other de-chipped clone troopers. Cody gets as far as explaining that to Rex, when Tarkin shows up.

He, predictably, zeros in on Rex bc he remembers him from the clone wars and doesn't like him and because he's Tarkin, he decides to order Cody to take off his helmet and execute him.

Cody, obviously, isn't going to do that and goes with the only option left to him: break his cover. So he and his troopers all draw their blasters on Tarkin, at which point Tarkin calls his own troopers to surround them.

Then he starts monologuing: blah blah glory of the empire, blah blah, traitor, blah blah, 'if only you demonstrated the same loyalty that Informant Sergei does without any kind of programming.'

That makes Cody snort, and Quinlan, who's been lurking this whole time waiting for an opportune moment, can't possible pass over the dramatic entrance potential and reveals himself like, "hah, bitch you wish!" and blows his OWN cover.

So Tarkin is about to lose his shit, Cody's panicking, Rex is both panicking and completely confused, at which point Anakin-as-Vader along with a bevy of stormtroopers who include Appo, Boil, Kix, the 212th's medic, and Obi-Wan shows up.

Cue Rex's confusion and panic squaring itself when this, for some reason, makes Cody relax.

Tarkin's like, "Ah Vader, you're just in time to assist me in doing away with these traitors"

And internally, Anakin's like 'fuck fuck fuck' but externally he's like, "Traitors? whatever do you mean?"

And Tarkin tells him what just happened and Anakin thinks fast and goes:

"Oh, yeah they're definitely not traitors, they have until just now been on an important mission for me among ancient...sith...ruins! And it appears that they have all been exposed to a sith toxin which causes confusion, aggression, and muddled loyalties."

And Tarkin maybe buys that? but either way, he goes,

"Well, in that case, they're useless to us now, so we might as well put them down and be done with it."

And Anakin, maybe panicking a little, goes, "Do you really think that I would send such valuable assets into such a situation without having some kind of treatment on hand?"

Tarkin: Oh, and what treatment would that be?

Anakin, mind going blank: Medic, tell the Grand Moff about the cure.

Kix, trying to murder his general with the force of his glare alone underneath the helmet: Yes Sir. The...only cure to such a...toxin...is...a...special tea! Brewed...in the...legs of the vanquished enemy of...the ancient and powerful Jedi...Ben."

Obi Wan, Anakin, and everyone who still has the benefit of a hemet: *tries not to laugh audibly but are about to rupture something containing themselves*

Rex: What? the fuck?? is happening???

So, Tarkin buys it, and Anakin and his men 'subdue' Cody, Quinlan, Rex and co. and bring them back to their shuttle, where Mara, Leia, and Luke reveal themselves and they explain everything to Rex, who at this point is more or less certain that this entire day has been some sort of bizarre fever dream.

And I'd love to write the whole thing out! but to do that and have it make any sort of sense I'd have to write just...so many chapters of context and everything leading up to it which is...a lot of stuff. So maybe I'll get to it eventually, but it's not event the first star wars au on my list of stuff to write, not even taking into account all the stuff for other fandoms, so it's probably going to be a long time until I get to it, if I ever do 😅

[rise-above-the-grave]

Leia’s response to her trauma?

Oh boy, where do I even start with this?

PLEASE NOTE: These are my headcanons, and my take on things. These are only a little bit supported by canon (though they aren’t denied by canon either). Please feel free to ignore my takes on this particular subject!!

tw: suicidal ideation/tendencies, self harm, eating disorder, rape mention, torture mention

Suicidality

Leia is passively suicidal until she’s at least 25. This does not mean she is actively trying to kill herself, with maybe one or two exceptions, but rather that she walks into dangerous (and yes, often deadly) situations with the thought “Maybe I’ll die this time,” rather than the (much healthier) “Hopefully I won’t die this time.” She really just doesn’t care if she dies - in fact, she sort of hopes she does, though she won’t do anything (again, with the exception of one or two times) to incite her own death. She holds too much responsibility on her shoulders, knows that she is too important and too needed, understands that her death would truly cripple the Rebellion, to actually act on her desire to die.

That doesn’t keep her from wanting to die, though.

And yes, there is one (or maybe two) time(s) when she almost actively kills herself. Han stops her once, and Luke stops her the second time (if the second time happens - I haven’t actually decided if that does or not?).

Self harm

Okay, I’ll be honest here: I don’t think Leia does the “typical” forms of physical self-harm, e.g. cutting, burning, etc. Nothing that leaves physical scars on her body, or marks that someone could theoretically see and question. She emotionally self-harms more than anything (e.g. looking at holos of Alderaan, of her parents, looking for people who blame her for Alderaan’s destruction, getting into nasty arguments with people about that, etc.), though she also has the tendency to punish herself physically really harshly on Bad Nights by pushing her body past its edge of endurance. This leads to torn muscles, stress fractures, etc., but they’re all things that are easy enough to dismiss as an “accident” because she “doesn’t know what she’s doing” or whatever. (Those who know her well enough know that she has to purposefully be doing this, because she knows better than to exercise that hard on cold muscles, etc. - but it’s never anything anyone can prove, and she’s usually alone in the gym when she does this, and she never like...does anything to purposefully hurt herself, she’s just negligent and stupid. Regardless of what anyone suspects, though, it’s never anything they can prove.)

Eating disorder

Yeah, so, I’m pretty sure Leia could technically be diagnosed with an ED post-Alderaan. She just straight up doesn’t eat afterwards until she absolutely has to, and when she does, if she eats “too much”, she throws up. She loses a shit ton of weight between ANH and ESB (and it’s not like she had a lot to lose to begin with, because she’s smol and also was already in really good shape), and this does’t start getting better until Hoth, when people start realizing how malnourished she is because she’s constantly shivering. (She’ll drink protein shakes and stuff to keep herself in shape and capable of hard exercise, but like...she’s unhealthily skinny...) She doesn’t necessarily count calories, but she severely restricts, and then her body purges if she eats more than a little bit at a time.

Nightmares

Leia has horrific nightmares. They vary from night to night, though they have consistent themes: Alderaan’s destruction, people she loves dying/disappearing/being taken away from her, watching people she loves be tortured or killed in front of her, being hurt (including both torture and rape, which I believe both happened on the Death Star). Most of her nightmares are abstractions of her trauma, with the exception of Alderaan’s destruction - i.e. she has nightmares about what happened through different scenarios that might mirror what Actually Happened, but aren’t necessarily a 1:1 reproduction.

Dissociation

So I think she dissociates more post-Bespin than post-Death Star, frankly, though she still dissociates post-Death Star. Post-Death Star it manifests more along the lines of “I’m still being tortured by Darth Vader, none of this is real, this is all a hallucination” than anything, with a dash of out of body experiences/seeing herself from third person; post-Bespin we start seeing a strong disconnect from reality at times, disconnection from her body, etc, as well as seeing herself in third person and disbelieving that what’s happening is Real.

“Responsibility”

Leia absolutely throws herself into her work. She uses it as a distraction and as a shield against her pain. She ignores basically everything in lieu of doing her Duty and fulfilling her Responsibilities. She uses this as armor against anyone who tries to challenge her to take care of herself as well (including Luke and Han). This is largely also what leads some people (in the Rebellion especially) to call her Ice Princess after Alderaan, because she just straight up doesn’t show emotion, and instead just focuses on the Rebellion. Which, speaking of...

Emotional regulation

Yeah, so I’m gonna go out there and say that Leia has shit emotional regulation for a while post-Death Star/Alderaan. She feels everything incredibly and intensely, and she just doesn’t know how to handle it. So she shuts down completely, or else overreacts. This is partly why she and Han end up in screaming matches in the base hallways so much, and why, once they actually start working out their feelings for one another (and Leia starts processing emotions healthily again), that stops.

Irritability

Leia is incredibly irritable and angry like. all the time. Constantly. There’s hardly any reprieve from it. Even when she’s happy, something small can set her off. (Again, this is partly what leads to her and Han fighting so much - because Han consistently gave her an outlet for her anger. Probably purposefully. Really the only one Leia rarely got angry with was Luke, and when she did get mad at him, she’d usually apologize for blowing up at him.)

Flashbacks

Yeah, Leia definitely has flashbacks: to Alderaan’s destruction, to Vader’s hand on her shoulder holding her back from Tarkin as Alderaan died, to the needles, to the torture-bot, to the hallucinations Vader gave her as he dug through her brain, to Vader himself, to metal beds and cells, to the smell of bile and antiseptic, to the feel of soft cloth against her skin, to the feel of metal against her skin, to the sensation of grates against her skin. Sometimes those flashbacks are just behind her eyes, like she sees them but knows they’re not real; sometimes she literally cannot tell she is not lying in the cell on the Death Star with Vader towering over her, or watching Alderaan explode.

Triggers

Leia doesn’t like needles. Leia doesn’t like Vader. Leia doesn’t like the smell of medbays. Leia doesn’t like a lot of things. Anyway, Leia deffo has triggers. That doesn’t always mean she has flashbacks (emotional or visual or auditory or psychosomatic), though; sometimes she just gets really, irrationally angry, sometimes she snaps, sometimes she goes nonverbal (I’m pretty sure Leia goes nonverbal sometimes post-Death Star/Alderaan. It’s unfortunate), sometimes she just seems to lose her damn mind. She’ll also sometimes get really manic after being triggered.

Hyper-arousal 

Leia is...so tense. All the time. She is constantly aware of everything going on around her. She’s one of those people who knows every entrance/exit, how many people are in a room, how close the nearest person is to her, etc. She also sometimes jumps at loud noises, reacts violently to people touching her unexpectedly, and to people coming up behind her. She is Not A Fan of that shit.

tl;dr Did I just describe most of the DSM criteria for PTSD? Yes! Yes I did!! Leia has really pretty bad PTSD post-Death Star/Alderaan, including the ugly and horrible bits that most people don’t like to talk about! It really fucked her up! And she’s one of the ones who got angry and bitter and hard instead of soft and scared. And there’s nothing wrong with that! 

[thehollowprince]

If I rewrote the sequels I'd have phasma, hux and kylo be proper villains like they would awful actually so bad and no redeeming qualities just really mean villains

The villains in TLJ where pretty much sitting around and doing nothing for the majority of the film.

Oh, I feel both of these in whatever I have that passes for a soul. It's just another one of those cases of massively wasted potential.

Look, was The Force Awakens just a ripoff/modern retelling of A New Hope? Of course it was. There's a direct correlation between the story, the plot points and even the characters are almost carbon copies of their OT counterparts. But by switching it up a little (making "Luke" into a girl, having "Vadar" chose the dark instead of falling, having "Leia" be a guy) it opened up the possibility of further differences. TFA was like a "What If?" scenario and with the way it ended, while it start out the same as ANH, it hinted at diverging from the OT as the sequels progressed.

But then we got Rian Johnson and The Last Jedi, and we've been fucked ever since.

Aside from the fact Johnson just completley ignored the set-up from the previous movie, he literally just repeated some of the major plot points (Kylo chose the dark again. Finn had to be told how bad the First Order was, etc.) And then there were the so-called "villains". Like I said above, he backtracked on Kylo willingly chosing the dark side in TFA and just had him be "conflicted" again, so despite the fact that we're supposed to look af him as the villain, none of his scenes were shot that way. The entire production was spun to make you think that Kylo was the male hero in this story when his actions constantly pointed the other way. Snoke was just kind of there, making grand speeches before dying so casually. And Hux... Hux was terrifying in TFA. That whole speech on Starkiller Base was very reminiscent of the Reichstag. It was probably the most uncomfortable I've ever been in a Star Wars film, but then Johnson just made him into a joke. A screeching lunatic who is easily thrown around for laughs, and that always bugged me. The First Orded, like the Empire before it, was an allegory for the Nazis, and the fact that Johnson tried to make it seem like we shouldn't take Nazis (fictional or otherwise) seriously. Like they're just something to laugh at. And no! Nazis are not funny. They're not a joke! So putting aside the fact that it ruined Hux's validity as a villain, it also helps contribute to the BS in popular culture nowadays that "there are very fine people on both sides". And that's not even getting into his role in The Rise of Skywalker. That's why they had to being in General Pryde, because after Snoke and Kylo throwing him around like a ragdoll, and Poe just mocking him (and him falling for it), no one would believe him as a villain anymore. And Pryde just came out of nowhere, so we (or at least me personally) didn't really see him as a villain. He was just kind of another remake of Tarkin.

Which brings us to Phasma... I wanted to like Phasma, and some part of me does. Or, more appropriately, I liked her potential (like most of the sequel characters). We're supposed to believe she's this big badass, but her defeat in TFA was comical, and while she did reappear (with no explanation) in TLJ, despite Starkiller Base blowing up, she was barely there. Her fight scene with Finn was amazing and I liked the underscore of Finn fighting back against his brainwashing and conditioning... but again, that was what he did in TFA when he fought Kylo. And in the end, she was taken down by a single hit to the head, only to fall to her death. I much prefer the deleted/alternate scene of her fight with Finn aboard the Supremacy, because it had the elements of the stormtrooper rebellion we all wanted but never got. Plus, he killed her with a big gun instead of her just dying because of circumstances.

And that's a big problem with the sequels, too. Disney doesn't allow their heroes to fully defeat their villains. I don't recall a single instance of Finn, Rey or Poe ever actually killing one of the villains trying to murder them and take over the galaxy. Phasma died by falling to her death. Hux was killed by Pryde, who died because he refused to abandon ship. Kylo died because of his "sacrifice". Snoke was killed by Kylo. Aside from the faceless stormtroopers and TIE fighters, our heroes don't get any major hits in.

At the end of the day, I'd say that was one of the biggest problems of these sequels. Well... aside from their lack of cohesion and direction and the repeat of the Empire vs. Rebellion storyline, but that's a different matter for another time. The villains in these movies didn't feel like villains. We didn't see any big moments of villainy, with the exception of something we got in another movie (destruction of the planets). And because our villains were so lacklustre, our heroes didn't get to feel like heroes. We didn't get to see them struggle the way Luke, Leia and Han did. And it led to discussions about how useless our heroes were, because they didn't get to do anything, or talks about how overpowered Rey was (I loathe the term Mary-Sue and i saw it too much in regards to that character).

[wearesuchstuff1]

Star Crossed

What happens when you take a Star Wars obsessed nerd who is getting a graduate degree in Shakespeare Studies and you put her in quarantine with three essays to write for almost two months?

A Star Wars/Shakespeare AU for every one of Shakespeare's plays!

Read on AO3.

     All's Well That Ends Well  

Kylo as the King and Rey as Helena.  Kylo has been stabbed by a lightsaber.  Who stabbed him?  Totally not Rey, what are you talking about??  Rey offers to heal Kylo with the Force (because that’s apparently a thing you can do?).  Kylo doubts she can do it, but Rey offers to make him a deal - either she fails, in which case Kylo can kill her, or she succeeds, in which case she gets to choose her husband.  Kylo agrees to this, secretly hoping that if she does manage to cure him that she will choose him as husband and not that annoying Rebel pilot or that ex- Storm Trooper.  Rey does manage to heal Kylo, but instead of throwing herself at Kylo, Poe, or Finn, Rey decides she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man and this way none of them can push the issue because she gets to be the one who ultimately chooses who, or if, she marries.  Sorry Shakespeare, this play’s super annoying and I am not inflicting most of this plot on my Star Wars babies.  

     Antony and Cleopatra  

Leia as Mark Anthony, Han as Cleopatra.  Leia is a very busy, powerful, accomplished leader of the Resistance.  Everyone looks up to her and she has lots to do as her Rebel forces battle the Empire.  If only Han Solo weren't so damn sexy and distracting…

     As You Like It  

Ray as Rosiland and Finn as Orlando.  After escaping from Jakku, Ray must seek her family in the Forest of D'Qar.  Finn, in love with Ray and fleeing the wrath of the new, hostile government, also ends up in the Forest.  There, Ray finds her family, learning that family does not begin or end with blood, and learns to find “tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones and good in everything.”  

     Comedy of Errors  

Anakin managed to avoid the temptations of Palpatine but when Palpatine discovers that Padme is pregnant they, with Obi Wan’s help, agree that the children must be kept safe from the Sith Lord.  In the wake of Order 66 Padme takes Leia and C-3PO on one ship and Anakin takes Luke and R2-D2 on another.  The twins are raised apart but when Luke comes of age, he sets out with R2-D2 to find his twin.  Hijinks and hilarity ensue, but in the end Luke and Leia, R2 and 3PO, and Anakin and Padme are all reunited.  

      Coriolanus  

Obi Wan as Ophidius, Palpatine as Menennius, and Anakin as Coriolanus.  Palpatine is intent on shaping the warrior Anakin in his political image.  Anakin would much rather stab things with his lightsaber and rail against the establishment than put up with politics.  Obi Wan and Anakin are gay for eachother.    

     Cymbeline  

Leia is Imogen, Anakin is Cymbeline, Palpatine is Anakin’s evil lover, Palpatine's clone son is Cloten, Han is Posthumus.  Leia married Han but Anakin doesn’t approve because Anakin and Palpatine want Leia to marry Palpatine’s clone son.  After Han has been kicked out he goes to Jabba’s palace and sends Jabba the Hutt to try to seduce Leia because Jabba tricks Han into betting that Leia won’t betray him.  Jabba brings “proof” to Han of Leia’s supposed infidelity and Han sends Chewie as Pisonio to lead Leia to the deserted deserts of Tatooine to kill her.   However instead Chewie brings a disguise for Leia to dress up as a boy to keep her safe from Han.  Dressed as a boy, Leia gets separated from Chewie and meets Obi Wan (as Belarius) and Luke (as Guiderius/Arviragus).  Leia doesn’t know that Luke is her brother and after she falls ill she takes a potion given to Chewie by Palpatine that ends up making her fall into a dead sleep.  I can’t be bothered to explain why.  Thinking her dead, Obi Wan and Luke plan to bury her until Palpatine’s clone son, dressed as Han and looking for Leia, arrives and, because he is rude, gets his head cut off by Luke, who lays him (headless) next to Leia.  When Leia wakes up she thinks that Han is dead and, in great despair, Leia goes off and pledges herself as a page to Tarkin, who is leading the Empire’s fleet against the Hutts.  There is a big battle where Luke, Obi Wan, and Han kick ass, and at the end all mistaken identities are revealed, Palpatine dies and confesses his sins (not in that order), Han and Leia discover they were only tricked into thinking they didn’t love each other, and Leia still gets to strangle Jabba.  In conclusion, this is a batshit play.  Thanks Shakespeare.    

     Hamlet  

Well it’s not Anakin because he doesn’t take any time to ponder anything before killing the people who killed his parent.  He just kills them.  And not just the men, but the women, and the children too…

Ben Kenobi tells Luke that Vader killed his father.  Horrified by this information, Luke sets out across to Galaxy to confront Vader.  By act five Luke has stabbed the Emperor through a curtain (thinking him to be Vader), Vader and Luke have both been stabbed with a poisoned lightsaber, General Tarkin has drunk poison intended for Luke, and Princess Leia is knocking on the doors of the death star.  With his dying breath Luke tells his school friend Biggs (who Luke is not-so-secretly gay for) that he gives his vote for Leia to run the Galexy after he is dead.  At this point Ben Kenobi is beginning to wonder if maybe he shouldn't have lied to Luke about his father after all.  Also, R2 and 3PO are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  

     Henry IV, Parts I and II  

Han as Hal and Jabba the Hutt as Falstaff.  Hanging out with Jabba and his other lowlife friends has given Han a bad reputation.   Despite Jabba's insistence that they be partners in petty crime and enjoy all the entertainment and Corilian Rum the credits from their crimes can buy, Han must grow to realize that his friend is holding him back from his true place in the Galaxy and that he ultimately must turn away from his old (large) friend in order to become a General in the Rebel Alliance and to stand by its Princess's side.    

     Henry V  

Jyn and Cassian know, as their small band of brothers lands on the beaches of Scarif, that they are outnumbered ten to one.   Nevertheless, as they prepare to head once more unto the breach they are determined to make ten men feel like a hundred.  They know that if they are mark’d to die, they are enough to do the Rebellion loss; and if to live, the fewer men, the greater share of honour.  They fight valiantly and are able to bring the Rebellion hope by sending the plans for the Death Star to Princess Leia, but in the end none of them outlive that day, nor come safe home.  

     Henry VI, Parts I, II, and III  

Despite the threats posed by the Clone Wars, the Jedi look above all else to their religion, leaving the path open for their enemies to take from them their power and, ultimately, their lives.

     Henry VIII  

Obi Wan is Anakin’s first wife and Padme is Ann Bolyn.  Anakin cheats on Obi Wan and the Jedi Order with Padem.  When the world finds out (youngings’) heads will roll.

     Julius Caesar  

Snoke, Kylo, and Hux as Caesar, Brutus, and Mark Anthony.   Despite his pledged allegiance to Emperor Snok, Kylo turns against his master and stabs him with his lightsaber, inciting a power struggle between Kylo and Hux and some impassioned speeches to the gathered Storm Troopers.

     King John  

Palpatine as King John, Mace Windu as the Pope, and Anakin as the archbishop (and Hubert).  Palpatine, in order to assert his influence over the Jedi and to continue to bring Anakin under his power, insists that Anakin be appointed to the Jedi Council.  Mace Windu is furious that Palpatine would interfere in this way and attempts to “excommunicate” him from the Republic.  Anakin turns on Mace Windu and the Jedi Order, and Palpatine sends him to the Jedi Temple to kill the younglings (specifically a youngling named Arthur).  However, when actually faced with the task Anakin is unable to do so.  Instead he lies to Palpatine and tells him the younglings have been killed.

     King Lear  

Lear/Cordelia as Vader/Luke.  Vader is slightly (maybe a lot) crazy and angry and he tries to give his son, Luke, part of the Galaxy, providing Luke pledges his allegiance to Vader and the Dark Side of the Force.  Luke is not having it so Vader cuts Luke’s hand off.  In the end, after some battles, Vader realizes Luke is in the right just in time to die.

     Love's Labour's Lost  

By swearing off attachments and secluding themselves in their Temple, the Jedi believe they will better be able to learn from and serve the Force.  But then Qui-Gon Jinn meets Shmi Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi meets Satine Kryze, Ahsoka Tano meets Lux Bonteri, and Anakin Skywalker meets Padme Amidala.  Together they learn that attachments are not so easily avoided.

     Macbeth  

The Nightsisters, led by Mother Talzin, predict greatness for Darth Maul.  In fact, when he is apprenticed to Sidious, Talzin predicts that Maul will become the most powerful Sith Lord and that he will soon become the master, no longer the apprentice.  Fueled by this promised power, Maul, encouraged by his wife Lady Ventress, plans to kill Sidious.  However, he is disturbed by Talzin's predictions that while he may become more powerful than even Sidious, it is Sidious's future apprentice, Darth Vader, who’s children will defeat the power of the Dark Side.  Thinking himself invincible thanks to Mother Talzin's predictions he sees no reason to fear the two Jedi who arrive at the Naboo palace of Dunsinane in a ship called the Birnam Wood.

     Measure for Measure  

With the Empire not giving a fuck about the Outer Rims, Jabba is left to his own devices on Tatooine.  When Jabba captures Luke and tries to feed him to his pet Rancor, Jabba proposes a deal with Leia that if she stays with him he will let Luke go.  Already feeling that she is married to the Rebellion, Leia is torn between her love for the Alliance and her love for Luke.  Ultimately Leia decides she’s better off strangling Jabba while Luke blows up his ship.  Even though this isn’t what Mariana actuall does in the script it’s what she should do becasue fuck the patriarchy.    

     Merchant of Venice  

In a last-ditch attempt to save the Republic she loves, Padme comes before the senate and reminds them that 'the quality of mercy is not strained'.  She advises them that mercy 'is mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes the throned Emperor better than his robe: his lightsaber shows the force of temporal power, but mercy is above the lightsaber's sway".  Her impassioned speech reminds the senate to see past the blood lust fueled by Palpatine and the Clone Wars and Padme single handedly manages to avoid the death of democracy to thunderous applause.    

     Merry Wives of Windsor  

Jabba the Hutt is Falstaff.  That’s all.

     Midsummer Night's Dream  

Finn and Poe, both thinking they are in love with Ray, follow Ray to a forest planet.  Rose, in love with Poe, follows him.  In the forest R2-D2 and his young companion BB8 use trickery and (Force) magic to help the humans sort out this love triangle mess (yes, this does make C-3PO Titania). Finn and Poe realize that they are actually in love with each other and Ray reaffirms that she is a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man.  Rose gets left in the woods because J.J. Abrams forgets about her.  

     Much Ado about Nothing  

Leia/Han as Beatrice/Benedict.  Despite the seemingly daily war of words between Princess Leia and Han Solo in the hallways of Hoth’s Echo Base, it seems every Alliance member except the Princess and the smuggler knows that the two are in love.  While the verbal battles continue (some more sophisticated than others - Han’s only available comeback to Leia’s rather weak “scruffy looking nerf herder” jab being “who’s scruffy looking?”) Chewbacca, Luke, R2-D2 and a relatively confused and unwilling C-3PO ‘undertake one of Hercules' labours; which is, to bring Han and the Princess Leia into a mountain of affection the one with the other’.  By the end both Han and Leia are separately convinced the other is madly in love with them and relent (purely out of the goodness of their own hearts and not at all because of any feelings they might have) to save the other from their suffering and agree to marry them.  Also Jar Jar Binks is Dogberry - do not question it.    

     Othello  

In order to serve his own purposes, Palpatine manages to turn the righteous and lauded warrior Anakin Skywalker against his wife, Padmé Amidala, with whispered lies and deceits, resulting in Anakin choking and, ultimately, killing the woman he loves.  That’s it.  That’s the film.

     Pericles  

Anakin as Pericles, Padme as Thaisa, and Leia as Marina.  After fleeing from Mustafar with Padme, Obi Wan and Bail Organa watch helplessly as Padme gives birth to twins then, seemingly, dies.  Afraid to bring more attention on themselves from Sidious and his new apprentice, the men place Padme’s body in an escape pod and eject it near Jedha.  What they don’t know is that Padme is only mostly dead (which means she is a little bit alive).  When her escape pod is found by a young local force user named Chirrut Imwe he brings Padme back from the brink.  Knowing that her husband is dead to her and with no way to contact her children, Padme decides to dedicate herself to the Force at the ancient Jedi temple Chirrut and his husband Baze Malbus brought her to.  Meanwhile, Leia is raised by Bail and, when she is old enough, dedicates herself to the Rebellion (sorry guys, I just can’t bring myself to have Bail try to kill Leia).  However, when Leia is captured by the Empire she is brought before Vader.  They talk and compare stories, and through their connection in the Force they realize that they are father and daughter.  At the descovery of his daughter Vader decides ‘you know what, fuck the Emperer’ and casually destroies the Empire.  Then the Force leads Anakin and Leia to Jedha (which hasn’t been destroyed because of reasons).  There they discover Padme living in the temple of the Jedi.  After a tearful family reunion with Anakin, Padme, and Leia, the three eventually decide they had better go save Luke from spending the rest of his life as a moisture farmer on Tatooine.  

     Richard II  

Ben Solo as Bolingbrooke and Luke as Richard II.  Luke, hoping to raise Ben Solo in his image, is heartbroken when he senses the dark side in his nephew.  In a sudden and desperate attempt to keep the dark side from the world Luke banishes Ben (with his lightsaber).  Furious at Luke’s betrayal Ben turns to the dark side and destroys everything Luke has sought to build.

     Richard III  

Turning against his own family, Kylo Ren murders and betrays in order to obtain the position in the First Order he believes his lineage affords him.  Hux is Ann.

     Romeo and Juliet  

Finn has been raised to be a Storm Trooper since before he can remember.  All his life he has been taught to hate the Resistance.   Poe’s parents were Alliance members during the time of the Empire.  They raised him to stand against the First Order.  Finn and Poe thought they knew their beliefs, until the two meet and, despite all they have been taught to believe, fall desperately in love.  They are, quite literally, star crossed.  BB8 gets drunk off fermented oil and delivers a Queen Mab speech in exclusively beeps and whistles.

     Taming of the Shrew  

The Alderaanian Princess is a bit of a firecracker and has no time for anything in her life but the Rebellion.  So when a smuggler shows up and decides to try to win her over Anakin, who did not turn to the Dark Side, laughs and says he’s welcome to try.  Meanwhile, Bodhi Rook, Wedge Antilles, and Biggs Darklighter (yes, this IS his last name…) are all vying for Luke Skywalker’s attention.  When Luke goes to Anakin and wines ‘but daddy, I want to get married’ Anakin makes a new rule: “YOU’RE NOT GETTING MARRIED UNTIL LEIA GETS MARRIED!”.  In order to have a chance at marriage Luke must team up with Chewbacca to help Han tame Leia.  It doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone except Han that it is actually Leia who ends up doing the timing.  

     Tempest  

In (self-imposed) exile a grumpy, gray haired Luke hangs out on an island strong with the magic of the Force.  Ariel is a Porg.  

     Timon of Athens  

Despite the Clone Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi is glad to be well liked and surrounded by friends he trusts.  Then one day his friends (specifically his best friend and a bunch of clones) betray his ass.  So what does he do?  He runs off to the Outer Rim to the sandiest fucking planet he can find (because his ex-best friend hates sand) and spends the next 19 years being poor and grumpy.

     Titus Andronicus  

Seriously, the only story I know with more severed limbs that Titus Andronicus is Star Wars…

     Troilus and Cressida  

When Padme married Anakin Skywalker they exchanged vows, of course, but they also exchanged pieces of clothing.  It’s an old Naboo tradition that Padme’s mother loved and Anakin found cute, so why not?   It was a silly thing, but the sleeve Anakin gives her stays with Padme, folded neatly in a small box, as Anakin fights the Clone Wars throughout the Galaxy and Padme fights them in the Senate.  But then Anakin falls to Darth Sidious’s powers and when Padme confronts him he almost chokes her to death.  Almost.  After giving birth to two healthy children Padme, Obi Wan, and Yoda agree that it will be safest for the twins to be raised apart in order to better hide them from the Dark Side.  Obi Wan takes the boy to Tatooien and Padme’s friend Bail Organa takes the girl to be his adopted daughter.  Padme, seperated from her children, spends the next several years traveling the Galaxy, doing good where she can and keeping herself away from her children, afraid that her presence will endanger them.  But Darth Vader finally catches up with her.  She is captured by the Sith Lord and taken prisoner and her already shattered heart breaks once again when she is brought before him.  Her captor demands that she be his, insisting that she love him and give up her foolish affection for the foolish boy she met on Tatooine all those standard years ago.  To prove her new supposed devotion to Vader, the Empire, and the Dark Side of the Force, Vader demands Padme supply him with a token of her affection.  From her small pack Padme draws out a box with an old but neatly folded sleeve within. She hands it to the Sith Lord, a token of her love, in the hopes that it might remind Vader of the love Padme bears for another man.    

     Twelfth Night  

After escaping Darth Vader with the plans to the Death Star, Luke and Leia, twins raised together as royals on Alderaan, crash in their escape pod on Tatooine.  Believing her twin brother to be dead, Leia dresses as a man to better hide from the Empire.  She is hired by a handsome smuggler named Han Solo, who sends her as an envoy to the palace of Jabba the Hutt, hoping Leia can gain information about Han’s lost love Qi’ra.  Han is intrigued by his new hire and his apparent aversion to the Empire while under her disguise Leia finds she is falling in love with Han.  Jabba is confused about why this petite boy Solo keeps sending wants to know about someone named Obi Wan Kanobi, Chewie is considering changing up his single munitions belt style with some fancy cross-gartering, and somehow Luke ends up at Jabba’s in a slave bikini.

     Two Gentlemen of Verona  

Lance and Crab - Ray and BB8 on Jakku.  Ray, having no family to speak of, designates her left shoe to be her mother, her right shoe to be her father, her staff to be her sister, her hat to be their maid and she is the droid.  No, the droid is herself, and she is the droid - O, the droid is her, and she is herself.  Ay, so, so.  She plays out her imagined family life with shoes and staff, bringing herself to lonely tears. Now the droid all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word; but see how she lays Jakku’s dust with her tears.

     Winter's Tale  

Abandoned after his family exited pursued by a (space) bear, Baby Yoda finds a new protector and adopted father in Din Djarin, the Mandalorian.    

     Cardenio and Love’s Labour’s Won  

These two are the 6 hour uncut Phantom Menace because they are lost and I would give my first born child to see them.

     Sir Thomas More, The Spanish Tragedy, and Edward III  

All the books/legends - not because of the plot, but because although George Lucas had very little to do with them they are really only known, by those who know them, in association with him and his works.  There is a large debate by ‘scholars’ as to whether they should be accepted as canon or not.

     Bonus  

Chewbacca is ecstatic when he hears that an Alderaanian princess has taken up residence in the detention block of a nearby moon space station.  He hopes that this princess might be the perfect match for his handsome yet headstrong smuggler friend.  After all, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Alderaanian princess in possession of a good fortune of Credits, must be in want of a husband.

I must give a huge thank you to my friends who put up with me while I did this and contributed fabulous ideas!  Vaxildamn, Dazingparadise, Kaethe, and Eric, I couldn't have done this without you!

[goddamnmuses-a]

Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Alright so I did this for Episode I which you can find here and then Episode II which you can find here and then Episode III which you can find here. So here’s my weird live reaction/note taking/whatever this is.. to Episode lV.

I remember this being my favourite of the original trilogy because it sets everything up and basically kick started everything but lets see if that changes when i’ve finally got through all of these. 

Also I’m just watching whatever version i can find online because I can’t be bothered to go and find my dvd of it so yeah.. whether we get weird updated version or original effects or whatever, who knows. 

All the old effects like how C3p0 looks and r2d2 are impressive. 

There wasn’t really anything in the opening crawl i felt like commenting on, no big THEY DID THAT IN THE OPENING? but i guess it’s the first one that came out so that makes sense. 

WTF did the stormtroopers use to get that door open, that was so explosive wtf.

Also the blasters are like set to 10000 and smoke is everywhere. 

How did nobody shoot the dorids?

Yooo little Ani nice suit my dude. 

Hold on, she sent a msg with r2 to go to Obiwan which for 1 howd she know he’s alive? I’m gonna presume her dad said or something and 2.. ..why not just.. go yourself? 

So when they’re set to stun a Stormtrooper can shoot someone no problem

Also we dont get enough stun weird circle blaster shots

Ohhhh she didnt go because the scan for lifeforms thing alright ill allow it

but my dude.. even so.. maybe just shoot it just in case? like.. droids exist and people know about them?

DARTH VADERS LITTLE HANDS ON HIPS! Omfg he’s like “God damn, this bitch again.”

This Vader is a sassy boy. 

I love this guy who works with Vader and doesnt mind chatting back to him. 

Loving the droids in the desert. 

R2 does not look like it would work in a desert. 

C3 like “He tricked me into going this way” stop being a lil bich. 

WOOTINI!

The crawler thingy is badass. 

I thought that was a magnet it was just a big sucky pipe. 

GONK

Oh yep theres the new effects. 

Droids sleep? I guess power saver mode. 

Wtf is that dome droid

Luke! Luuuuuke! Iconic 2 words there. Well reused for that episode of Rebels where Obiwan watches from a distance. 

Bocce.. what a classic language. 

OMG OWEN JUST LET HIM GO INTO TOSHE STATION TO PICK UP SOME POWER CONVERTERS JEEEEZ 

How is that “wasting time with friends” and not chores, going into town to get something sounds like a chore to me. 

Why did they get an atromech anyway? Like.. what’d they need the other droid for? 

C3 is a real bro lbh, if it wasn’t for him, R2 would be with the jawa still. 

Oooh oil bath. sexy. 

I wonder if people ship R2 and C3 because tbh it makes sense to me. 

Luke got an erection at the mention of the rebellion. 

Now it’s getting harder at that random blurry image of his sister. 

R2 is a cheeky lil shit. 

This is just some good home life shit. 

Dat soundtrack. 

You know what.. it’s a really nice home. 

Is it just me or is Owen dressed kinda Jedi-y. 

So is “Sand People” like the racist way to say “Tusken Raider”?

Obiwan, thats a ridiculous fucking noise. 

“Hello There” iconic. 

You know what the Prequels do add a lot to this. 

A young Jedi named Darth Vader.. im sorry.. thats just not a name. 

For someone who wants to get off the planet, Lukes like “Naa but i gotta get home”

Obiwan also just being like “You know what, fuck it here.. lets go.”

You know what as much of a bitch as that guy who gets force choked is, he’s a good actor. 

Also Tarkin yay. 

NOOOOO OWEN AND BERU! YOU BASTARDS!

I feel like he should have dropped to his knees or something there. 

That is a scary droid. 

Cool door close. 

Thats a weird ass CG droid with a hole in. 

None of the other storm troopers gonna wonder why Dave’s being weird? 

Wahey! Figrin Dan and the Model Nodes! Love that Jizz music. 

Who just ugs on the back of a bartenders shirt? Wtf Luke

Yo he didnt even pay for his drink, free drinks?

Who gets the death sentance in 12 systems and goes around bragging? 

The first arm cut off and theres all sortsw of blood which there shouldnt be because lightsabers cauterize the wound, tut tut. 

Gooood scene with Han and Obi, honestly i keep forgetting to comment because im just watching xD

Wahey! Greedo 

If we’re doing a han shot first thing.. Greedo shot first in this version and missed and then Han shot him but tbh i prefer the Han shot first.. makes him more interesting. 

Jabba looks smaller. 

Casual Boba Fett appearance. 

Yooo Poncho. My boy Cal approves. 

Fuck those weird long nose aliens. 

The Falcon looks so good. 

Get those poor guys by the Death Star laser a damn rail. 

We just cool with igniting the lightsaber in front of Han and Chewie? Chewie at least knows wtf it is.

Chewie is a badass. 

Let the Wookie win. 

WTF that isnt the lightspeed effect.. it’s like a weird blanket tunnel 

The fact they get onto the Death Star with no issue is kind of ridiculous. 

The motion of Darth Vader is kinda just.. not fitting right. 

Han just pat Chewie like hes a dog. Rude. 

Han just gets caught up in this without a choice rly. 

He just wants those sweet credits. 

Also Set Design on Star Wars is amazing. 

Leia just lounging all sexy like 

Also does she have a stain on her tit? .. Not that im looking >.>

The Jedi being called a religion is kinda weird but i guess accurate. 

This has to be the worst star to a friendship for all three of them. Chewie seems cool though. 

I also thought the trash compactor scene was earlier on in this movie than it is. 

Who the fucks voice was it that said “Thats your imagination” ? 

How the fuck are they standing if the water is that deep?

I liek the touch of the monster whos name im sure i learnt but forgot let go as if it knew the trash compactor was about to turn on, that implies it has a safe spot down there that it stays. 

Some of the voices sound off on this but ah well 

Hans already a little Handsy with Leia but i think Harrison Ford was sleeping with Carie at the time so like.. i get it. 

Obiwan just strolling about, as you do. 

I love just these giant pits with walkways with no rails. If I worked on the Death Star it’d be a nightmare for me to get around. 

“NO WAIT THEY’LL HEAR!” ...and they’re not gonna hear you shouting?

Stormtroopers just shooting the shit is the best. 

You know what with everyone being like “Wow that ships a shitheap.” I can understand why the prequels made their ships look nicer and newer. 

I love that shooting a door panel in star wars just makes it so the doors wont open at all, thats some good shit. 

Lukes as bad of a shot as a Stormtrooper. 

First little kissy incesty moment but hey it was on the cheek, universally thats fine but im sure at the time this was him setting up that Luke and Leia were gonna end up together, before he decided they were siblings. 

Vader just standing there, lightsaber already out like “Ahhh Mr.Kenobi I’ve been expecting you”

As lack luster as the chroeography is in this fight im kinda thinking of it as like, they’re reading each other, like Obiwan and Maul’s final fight. 

I don’t really know why Obiwan just chooses to die like that but heyo. 

Vader stomping on Obiwans clothes? Why? I guess because he gave himself to the force and thats the first time he’s seen that? 

I love the gunner seats moving around, idk why i just love it. 

Whats the point of the ear peices if they’re just gonna shout at each other. 

Not mentioned it until now but everyone says Leia wrong. 

They’re really harsh to Han tbf

This is like if you got an Uber to a place and then the Uber driver got pulled into a police station because you’re a terrorist and then you have a go at the Uber driver for wanting to leave after he’s got you out of there. 

Another kiss for Luke.. .. okay

I like how Biggs earlier scenes are deleted so when he shows up it’s just this random dude who somehow knows Luke

That air traffic control guy has no idea what hes doing, nobody is even in the air yet or moving, wait. 

Man X wings are cool, makes me think of Battlefronts VR mission thing where you get to pilot one and it’s the coolest VR thing ive done. 

For a space station the size of a moon you’d think they’d have enough fighters to just wipe out the rebels no biggy. 

ALSO if they know the rebel base is on that planet, why not just blow that planet up? 

YAY WEDGE

The targetting computer seems very invasive. 

Those turrets are useless. 

I would have rated it if they let that random dude blow up the Death Star.

Tarkins thinking face is beautiful. What a man, 

If Luke missed this shot, everyone knows he’s turned his targetting computer off, so they would be PISSED

RIP R2. 

HWHAT!? 

Woooo Mr.Solo. 

Well.. Well done Luke you killed a lot of people, some just trying to do a job and live their lives. 

Han, Leia and Luke all went off together all holding each other.. like.. Threesome? 

I’m sorry but after that, someones doing some fucking. 

Leia just giving her lovers, dont @ me, a medal. Thats why Chewie doesnt get one, he wasnt there for the orgy. 

R2 looking fresh. 

You know what, that is a good complete story that actually works on its own, i appreaciate that. 10/10. :P

[backhurtyy]

I’m watching a new Hope now, Luke is such a funky little twink I love him. Also about the order, I watched my friend play through all the kingdom heart games and he chose to play the game where we got the backstory for a character before the game where that character dies to make a bigger impact, but the games came out in the order that he died and Then we got the backstory. If I had watched it the other way where he died and then we see his backstory and everything I would’ve liked it better tbh because the whole time would have known what happens and the inevitability of it all, same as what you said about the Star Wars movies so I get it 100%. Even now thinking back on him making friends and then dying I ache my chest fucking hurts. I don’t wanna spoil things for anyone so I won’t go into detail but yeah mood. Also was obi wans first introduction him screaming to scare off the sand dudes looting Luke? That’s literally so funny he’s just a goofy wizard to the town I love that. I also need to watch the lotr movies that’ll be next as well with xmen, there’s a lot of movies I haven’t seen I need to get to. - 🤍

After they blow up the Death Star, Luke, Leia and Han all hugging and laughing and complimenting each other 🥺 I love them so much. Also I forgot Luke and Leia had a like almost thing going on before they knew they were siblings, I hate it yuck. I love that Leia was like “my planet is peaceful we don’t have weapons don’t destroy it” and then has the snarkiest mouth of the trio, it’s perfect. Han and Leia are the blueprint. We’re starting empire strikes back now

Luke scratching Chewies neck and then Chewie grabbing him in a hug 😩 they all care about each other I love them. Also I hope you feel better then you did this morning, I’m sorry it took me so long to say so. I hope me talking about blorbos is somewhat of a distraction for you or that you have something else. I’m also like spamming your box so I’m gonna try to make longer messages instead of a bunch of small ones so it’s easier

hi hi hi!!!! okay i don’t know much about kingdom hearts but. oof yeah i can imagine playing a game while knowing what’s ultimately going to happen is just like. so painful 😭😭😭 also YES that is obi wans first introduction…. crazy old ben hanging out by himself in the desert, yelling at the tusken raiders. absolute king shit. i love him. and SAME my movie list is twenty thousand years long. so many things to watch so little time

THE ORIGINAL TRIO THEY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS I LOVE THEM THEYRE ALL SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE AND BE TOGETHER AND!!!!! yeeeeaaaaaaaah the luke and leia storyline is so… hm. it’s uh. something. leia is such a badass i absolutely love her. the way she’s so regal and elegant but also won’t hesitate to jump down the trash chute or tear into tarkin and vader is such a wonderful combo. the hotheadness and the determination and the desire to negotiate before anything else… i’m so emotional because of Things That I’ll Talk About Later

LUKE AND CHEWIE BEST DUO NEXT QUESTION! also thank you!!! i’m doing better now, i spent some quality time with my heating pad and then went out w my friends so. we’re all good here 🥰🥰🥰

[shop5]

So I finished reading From a Certain Point of View and here’s my favorites/ why (In order how they appear) I might actually make a video about this book it was so good

Raymus – Gary Whitta  - Because I never thought I’d cry about Captain Antilles but here we are

The Red One – Rae Carson - I just really enjoyed this story about the little red droid who basically made the decision to save everyone –also R2 threatening the Jawas with death was amusing

Rites – John Jackson Miller – I’m not going to lie I love this one because it reminded me how much I loved Kenobi and I really want it to be canon again

Master and Apprentice -Claudia Gray – Well this one’s just heart breaking Qui Gon comes back to visit Obi Wan AND APOLOGIZES also remarking about how even after everything Obi Wan still wants to live which just makes everything worse

Born in the Storm – Daniel Jose Older – I’m a sucker for stormtroopers defecting and the scarstic way this one was written just made it better

Laina – Wil Wheaton ­– Man fuck you Wil Wheaton this one just hurt

Eclipse – Madeleine Roux – Alderaan blowing up from Bail and Brea’s point of view spoilers it’s just as heart breaking as you think it would be

Verge of Greatness – Pablo Hidalgo – Tarkin and Krennic being assholes is always fun

Of MSE-6 and Men-Glen Weldon – Listen I never imagined the reason that the mouse droid was following Luke and Han around was because Luke was wearing the armor of Stormtrooper TK-421 (the droids owner) who was only transferred to security because he was shacking up with Tarkin – but it’s 2017 and this story was super amusing

Time of Death – Cavan Scott – Obi wan’s death from Obi wan’s point of view and then him remembering things like the fact that he was the one that built those model planes that luke plays with, and regretting things and I’m not crying you’re crying

Desert Son – Pierce Brown – Bigg’s love letter that’s basically what this is and it’s heart breaking and I just really love Biggs, guys

The Angle -Charles Soule – Actual coolest man in the galaxy Lando being the actual coolest man in the galaxy and seeing the footage of his dumb ass best friend attacking the Death Star in his ship via a holo vid on the rebellion dark web in a back-alley bar

[eric-coldfire]

So I finally got around to seeing Rogue One...

Given how dog shit awful The Force Awakens was that it turned me into a Star Trek fan, I was hesitant to see Rogue One.

Though I am glad I did, because it was great pallet cleanser after holding the horrid taste of TFA in my mouth for two years.

Long have I waited for a Star Wars story that focused on a grim and gritty frontline ground wars fought by the brave men and women of the Imperial Forces and the Rebel Scum, and Rogue One delivered, more or less. Also, take notes JJ, a female protag who isn’t an overpowered and emotionless Mary Sue, clearly not impossible to make if you bother to try.

Though while enjoyable, its not without problems, some minor and major, and some that I will willingly admit as nitpicks.

1. Director Krennic aka Sir Contributes Nothing to the Movie.

The absolutely most useless character, he’s nothing but a stooge to Tarkin. Sure its kind of interesting to see the politics of the top level Imperial Officers, but Tarkin’s been involved to some high degree to the construction of the Death Star since the end of Revenge of the Sith. Krennic stepping in and acting like the Death Star is his project is just so.... pointless. And his Death Troopers are stupid looking.

2. Jyn Erso’s heel turn to the Rebellion and turning into a preachy cunt.

First off, what a great way to show how shitty the Rebellion is. Kidnapping people and forcing them to help their pitiful cause under threat of turning them over to the Empire. So Jyn’s whole role is to just get the Rebel Extremist’s attention so he’d talk to the Rebellion. After seeing a message from her father that boils down to “I love you, I put a weakness in the Death Star that a Farmer will exploit some day, peace out”, Jyn sudden goes balls deep into supporting the Rebellion, at least as far as rescuing her father, then chews out not Cassian for not following orders to assassinate her father and compares him to a Stormtrooper? The hell, bitch? Didn’t you just say you were cool living under Imperial Rule, and now you’re going to say to a Rebel member’s face, who has been fighting since he was 6 years old, while at the same age you were sitting in a cushy Imperial apartment? I don’t usually say this but, check your privilege.

3. Holy shit the Rebellion is stupid and in need of a Luke.

Fucking christ, no wonder the glorious Empire is effortlessly conquering the galaxy. Rebels are killing their own informants out of convenience, press-ganging civilians into their cause, “we didn’t expect to go to war with the Empire” then why did you fucking join, and assassinating pointless people to the Empire? “Gallen Orso helped the Empire build a planet killing weapon that works, lets assassinate him, that’ll show the Empire.” No it won’t you dumb fucks! He built the laser, it works, its finished, assassinating him does nothing to help your cause. If you’re worried about him making something worse than a space station that blows up planets, I ask, “like what? What could the Empire make that is worse than the Death Star?”

Now for the minor issues.

You know, for getting mind raped by a squid monster that causes insanity as a side effect, the defector pilot handled that pretty well. Retaining his identity, memory of where he worked, Imperial protocols, how to pilot ships. The squid thing was almost completely pointless except to show off how big the practical effects team’s dick was.

Yeah C3-P0 and R2-D2′s cameo was cute and all.... but how the hell did they end up on Leia’s ship if they were back on Yavin 4? Not-Ackbar’s ship left ahead of the rest of the Rebel Fleet, C3-P0 comments on how nobody tells him anything, Not-Ackbar’s ship gets boarded and Leia’s ship leaves.... how did they get on board? Somebody in editing fucked up, cus that scene feels out of place.

While not as good as the Original Trilogy, Rogue One’s 90 minute run time keeps it from dragging like the Prequel Trilogy, and hey its not shamelessly copying the plot of a better Star Wars movie. So I call this movie a win.

PS.

Yes, one minute of footage of Darth Vader murdering a squad of Rebel scum is easily worth the price of the movie, even if it happens at damn near the end.

[sassysnowperson]

For those who read Stone and Sand

And are curious about how it got to be that way, I wanted to post a sort-of “under the hood” look at how the universe turned out the way it did:

The turning point: The Rebellion figured out that Galen Erso was on Eadu before Imperial Cargo Pilot Bodhi Rook defected. They sent Cassian Andor to assassinate him. Unfortunately, without said cargo pilot providing a reasonable approach, Captain Cassian Andor was captured and imprisoned on Eadu.

This is when Galen Erso saw his chance. He had a quiet conversation with his cargo pilot friend Bodhi Rook, who nearly decked him when he realized that 

1. Galen Erso had helped build a genocidal pseudo-moon, and

2. Galen Erso had been planning Bodhi’s defection without bothering to consult him on the matter. 

However, he ultimately decided that the Death Star needed to be stopped, so, fine, he will get Cassian, Galen, and Galen’s plans off of Eadu. 

Cassian, after being sprung free from Eadu, leads Galen and Bodhi to reconnect with the Rebellion proper. 

There’s a lot of interrogating that Bodhi would really rather forget, thank you very much. However, it involves a whole lot of reciting everything he knows fifty times over again and exactly zero mind-flaying octopi, so he comes out very much ahead, in this universe. 

With Galen Erso supplying the plans, there is no need to go to Scarif. There is, however, a need to go to Woboni, because they want to keep the nice genius weapons developer on-side, and freeing his daughter is a good way of ensuring compliance. 

 Cassian runs an extraction mission. This time he’s the one that gets clobbered in the head with a shovel. Bodhi is also on his mission, the first one he is cleared to run with the Rebellion. He pilots. He does not get hit in the head with a shovel. 

Alright, quick break to review where we are at so far: We’ve got Jyn, Cassian, Galen, and Bodhi with the Rebellion. We’ve got a Jedha that was left entirely out of things, and a Scarif that never happened. 

That Scarif bit is going to be important here soon. 

(Continued under cut, this is getting a bit long) 

Right, so, we know there’s a death star, but we haven’t gone to Scarif.

No Scarif means no giant battle that destroys half the Rebellion Fleet. 

No Scarif also means that when Bail Organa learns of the Death Star and decides it’s time for his old friend Obi-Wan to stop hiding in the wastes and fix things (which still happens in this universe), Leia Organa’s corvette does not end up at Scarif. 

Because, remember, Leia was dispatched a corvette which was dry-docked inside the Profundity. Aka one of the Great Bloody Huge Mon Cal Ships. 

(In another universe, where Cassian does not go to Eadu early, the Profundity, captained by Admiral “Screw Orders I’mma Fight A Space War” Raddus, jumps to Scarif with Leia inside her ship inside his ship)

(I mention this for two reasons)

(One, because no Scarif means no Leia fleeing Scarif means no Leia getting caught fleeing Scarif means no pressing reason to blow up Alderaan) 

(Two, because Admiral “I Love Hopeless Odds and Know No Fear” Raddus will be important here in a bit) 

This time, in this universe, Leia and the Profundity pop out of hyperspace near Tattooine. The Profundity will be on hand Just In Case, Leia and her corvette will go fetch the Hobo Wizard. 

It turns out the Hobo Wizard comes with a young blond wizard apprentice. Who does not know he is a wizard apprentice. And can’t leave the farm because his aunt and uncle need his help with the harvest and Leia Cannot. Believe. She. Has. To. Deal. With. This. 

“I’ll buy your farm,” she says. “Let’s just GO.” 

This is when she finds out that apprentice wizard’s aunt and uncle are strategic masterminds and Leia regrets ever entering into a contract negotiation with them. 

Beru and Owen wind up with a nice house on Alderaan and citizenship there. How they managed that, Leia still isn’t really sure. Also now Leia owns a moisture farm. Fantastic. Fan-fucking-tastic. Can we go now? 

Yes, we can. 

So, Leia, the hobo wizard Obi-Wan, the hobo wizard’s eager but unwitting apprentice Luke, and Luke’s terrifyingly business-savy aunt and uncle all leave Tattooine in Leia’s corvette, which gets tucked back into the Profundity for the return to base. 

We need to pause for a minute and rewind, and find up what our Friends in the Empire have been doing. 

It has not been a great day for Krennic.

Krennic has let his spy go, and lost his scientist. 

However, the Death Star has neared completion, and Tarkin is THRILLED to have an excuse to steak the Ultimate Weapon of the Empire out from under Krennic, who escapes with his life and really can’t expect more, now can he?

Tarkin tests it out on a few lifeless asteroids. 

Once he’s certain it’s working properly, certain that the scientist only fled, and didn’t sabotage the Death Star (spoiler, he did, he definitely did, there is still a super obvious exhaust port, oops)

Now it is time to turn the FULL FORCE OF THE EMPIRE AGAINST IT’S ENEMIES! 

Which...hm. 

Nobody is being super obviously defiant right now. 

Except. Well. EVERYONE knows the capital ships of the Rebellion mostly come from Mon Cal. Mon Cal, nicely filled with those alien species the Empire thinks so little of.

Say goodbye to the squid planet, galaxy. 

Right, so, back to our heroes. 

Our heroes that are currently on a Mon Cal ship, being led by Admiral “I Have a History of Taking Brash Unauthorized Action When I Think it is Needed” Raddus, who just found out that his home planet has been destroyed. 

And knows that the Death Star has a weakness. 

And knows that the Death Star is parked outside his home planet. 

The Rebellion council is dithering, as it always does. 

Raddus is not. 

The Profundity, and it’s ridealong fighter squadrons, jump into battle. 

There’s an extra ship. 

It goes to Luke. 

(There is another universe where it goes to Leia, but in this universe, she is in the command bridge, barking out orders alongside Raddus, determined to make the best of the bad situation) 

The battle is hard-fought, ragtag squadron against an unfathomably large TIE complement. 

But, but, Luke lines up and a familiar nudging opens his mind, and for a moment he sees the whole universe interconnected, sees the warp and weft of the cosmos, sees exactly the knit pattern that is needed, the moment in time to....

Luke takes the shot. 

According to his targeting computer, he takes the shot a quarter second too early. 

According to the force, it is right on time. 

The Death Star explodes. 

Luke is a hero. 

Obi-Wan very quietly collapses out of the trance that he went into, grateful that wherever in the universe Darth Vader was, he wasn’t here��because wouldn’t that have made everything worse. 

And then, not too long after that, Luke Skywalker comes tearing across a hanger to meet Bodhi Rook, the brave pilot who got the plans off of Eadu. 

You know how things go from there. 

(and if you don’t, please, Enjoy the Fic)

[lazybarbarians]

Star Wars: Catalyst: A Rogue One Story by James Luceno

Ragnell: So, after a brief break last week (it was a holiday), we read Star Wars: Catalyst: A Rogue One Novel which you know is extra fun because it has an extra colon!

This novel is a prequel to the prequel everybody likes, set sequentially after the other 3 prequels that nobody likes. It takes place before the events of Rogue One. Spoilers, they build a Death Star. (Extra spoilers, a magic teenager from the middle of fucking nowhere blows it up.) But for those of you who watched that movie and ask “How did these people get into this situation?” then this is the book for you.

Kalinara: also, if you watched and thought “is it just me, or is Krennic really kind of obsessed with Jyn’s dad?” This book seems to clarify: yes, yes he is.

R: I must warn you, that this book contains graphic depictions of social climbing, child care, bureaucracy, workplace competition, shameless use of high school contacts for your own professional advancement, and several instances of unadulterated exposition about the nature of kyber crystals. Which power lightsabers.

Also, Lightsabers do not appear in this book. Not even once. Not even in a flashback.

We open with Galen and Lyra Erso, a pacifist scientist and his religious environmentalist wife, trying to synthesize kyber crystals on Vallt, a neutral planet in the Clone Wars while Lyra takes notes and prepares for impending motherhood. Just their luck there’s an insurrection and they get captured in an attempt to make Galen work for the Separatist. So poor Jyn is born while her father’s in prison. But not to fear, Krennic is here! Lt Commander Krennic, who knows Galen from Smart Dude School, arranges for their rescue because he thinks Galen’s specialty will really help him get to the Front Row of researchers on the Super-Secret Battle Station Project they have been assigned to.

Krennic uses a smuggler to get them out, and then destroys the new Vallt government for Orbit. Galen, of course, does not accept a military job immediately and instead offers Krennic a way out of military service. Which is sweet but a major character misjudgment So Krennic greases the works of the Republic so that Galen can’t leave Coruscant, and is bored out of his skull and eventually accepts a mind-numbing QA position on another planet. Towards the end of the war, that planet gets the shit bombed out of it and the Ersos again have to flee back to Coruscant. But the war is over! And the Jedi are dead! So, no need for a military job, right?

Still, Galen does need a job so it’s Krennic to the rescue again. With a “clean energy research project” using kyber crystals. He even has a suitcase full of them. Which Lyra points out probably came form the lightsabers of murdered Jedi but really, he’s offering the chance to build UNLIMITED ENERGY for the New Galactic Empire. That can’t be sinister, right?

Little does Galen know, Krennic’s been working behind the scenes at the Empire, convincing Palpatine’s Vice, Mas Amedda (Remember the creepy blue dude with the horns and headtails? He gets lines!) to back him while he maneuvers against Governor Tarkin to gain influence and monitors the Ersos to make sure Lyra’s not radicalizing her husband.

The time goes on and Galen gets more into his work, and Lyra gets offworld with a friend and gets to see the environmental devastation being wrought by the Empire on protected lands. And things aren’t adding up from their POV. They finally have a talk about it, then confront Krennic. Krennic handles the confrontation so poorly it confirms he’s evil and that Galen’s research has been weaponized. Fortunately, this coincides with Krennic using his favorite smuggler against Tarkin, and Tarkin sending the guy back to Coruscant to make him a spy in Krennic’s organization. Because no one in the fucking Empire gives a fucking fucking about their actual job except guys like Galen Erso who lose faith in the system when they realize their labor has been twisted to evil. Of course, because Krennic used the same smuggler to escort Lyra off-world before, and because the smuggler knows Saw Gerrera this blows up in both Krennic and Tarkin’s faces because he arranges to distract Krennic and smuggle them off Coruscant.

The book ends on some really sweet interaction between Jyn and Saw, and promises that the beginning of the movie is just a few years away.

I do enjoy tie-in books, because I can always picture the actors in their roles. (And through the miracle of the internet can find images of them at the age they’d be during a prequel!) I have long had a problem with Star Wars books, though, because I always have to look up the species online to picture them. But that’s just a small nitpick. If a Star Wars books is funny, quick-paced and adventurous with an engaging hero I can get over that. Oddly, this book is… none of those things. I don’t hate it, I kinda liked it, but if not for the movie I think it’d have bugged me.

K: It’s definitely a “prequel of a prequel” situation. As a stand alone novel, it’s definitely lacking. There really isn’t an overall plot, as I’d define one. And while we have an effective villain, we’re stuck in a position where we can’t get a lot of closure, because that closure will happen in Rogue One itself. As a prequel though, it’s pretty effective.

R: See, this book starts off very very slow. Krennic is the most interesting viewpoint character early on, though it picks up when they bring in Tarkin. (Man I love Tarkin.) Can’t say I grew fond of Has or would’ve been sad if he’d died.

K: This book definitely utilized Krennic well. I think Krennic, like Tarkin, and probably Hux in TFA, represent an interesting, almost banal type of evil. They may get a grandiose gesture or two, but the true nature of their triumphs and schemes are not going to be showcased in a movie like Star Wars. The quiet machinations, social climbing, sneaky backroom financial dealings and so on could perhaps make a good sci-fi version of House of Cards, but they’re not going to waste a filming budget on that when we could have lightsabers instead.

But that’s where books like this one can come in handy. In Catalyst, we get to see Krennic at his most effective. He really is more than just the hapless ineffectual douche that Tarkin and Vader metaphorically shove into a locker.

R: I knew the final fates of the Ersos, so it was hard to get too engaged with them. After a while, I got into the second part, though, I got invested. Galen and Lyra start to come alive after then. Lyra’s faith becomes evident in her reactions to the anti-Jedi propaganda and the kyber crystals, and her husband slowly starting to parrot that stuff. We get to see her keep her head and her wits about her as the Emperor, aided by legions of guys like Krennic and Tarkin, rewrites reality. We can see how a man like Galen Erso ended up in the situation he was in, how naive he could be, how he meant well but couldn’t resist when everything he wanted was placed on a silver platter in front of him with the label “Cruelty-Free!”, and how his curiosity and desire to understand the kyber crystals had him rationalizing all sorts of things away.

K: I really liked Galen and Lyra too. We got to appreciate Galen a bit during Rogue One, of course, as someone forced into Imperial service but taking what steps he can to get the word out and sabotage what he’s created. But here we get to see exactly how he fell into that situation. And it’s very sympathetic.

One thing that I think tends to get lost when we discuss older Imperial characters, whether they be the real assholes like Tarkin and Krennic, or more hapless ones like Galen, is that they didn’t start off as Imperials. They started out as soldiers or scientists of the Republic. Palpatine was the Chancellor before he was the Empire, and he had a very long time to lay the groundwork of his most evil deeds long before he named himself Emperor, or Darth Vader came blasting into the picture. The true change from Republic to Empire, from flawed-but-fundamentally-well-meaning-democracy to a totalitarian dictatorship was slow and gradual, and a lot of people were blind to what was happening until it was too late.

R: With this book we see different levels of that too. We see how Has, Galen, Krennic, and Tarkin all ended up sliding into the Imperial machine due to the Clone Wars, for different motivations and different rewards and different levels of satisfaction.

K: Lyra’s faith was an interesting note, and something that I’ve really liked about the new Disney canon. In the old Expanded Universe, the Jedi were very much like Han describes them in A New Hope: hokey religious practitioners with little to no connection to every day life. Even after Luke brings back the Jedi Order, they are very separated from the day to day life of the citizens of the Republic.

The Disney canon so far, from Catalyst, Rogue One, Heir to the Jedi and so on, have painted a different picture of the way that the Jedi and the Force interact with common people. A woman like Lyra, who has never met a Jedi in her life, can still venerate the kyber crystals and their connection to the Force. The rebels still give Jedi blessings. Different cultures still tell stories of those of their number who went off to become Jedi, and treasure their heirlooms. It becomes clear in the new canon that Han’s dismissal of the Jedi, or that Admiral who scorned Vader and got choked for his trouble, are yet other demonstrations of Palpatine’s powers and machinations. He’s cut the Jedi off from common, ordinary people. That’s not the natural state of events.

I think maybe when we do see Luke’s idea of a Jedi Order, we’ll see something very different from the isolated little boarding school/temple on Yavin IV. But maybe something more organically linked to the people. (And hopefully something that would allow more to survive/escape Kylo’s treachery.)

R: I like that aspect too. It must be leading up to whatever we’ll see Luke set up, and I really don’t want the later purge to have been as effective as the first. I think there should be a handful running around who’ll show up in the next two movies.

I also like the Jedi being a specialized practitioner of a faith that is actually pretty widespread. They’re like priests in the Disney canon, which suits Luke a lot. In Shattered Empire Rucka has Luke planning an espionage mission with a volunteer pilot, and killing a bunch of Imperials during it, but afterwards Luke and the volunteer sit down and discuss whether or not she should leave the army. Not from the point of view of whether or not it’s good for the Alliance, but whether or not it’s the right choice for her. Like a Chaplain would. And it’s a role that really fits Luke Skywalker’s character arc

Of course, even with that in mind the Sith-Jedi thing is still a sectarian dispute. So after Palpatine has cut off the Jedi from the common people, and driven belief in the Force underground… has he replaced it with anything? Are there non-Sith Force-believers out there who are like a dark side version of the Guardian of the Whills or Church of the Force?

Aside form that, I wish we’d had more Saw. I thought the end bit with him was lovely, and very sad in light of his role in the movie. In the early years of the Empire, saw Gerrera greeted defectors with kind words and admiration. By the time of the Death Star, he’s so paranoid he tortures the messenger and holds the message in terrified uncertainty about its truth. It’s tragic.

And, much as I grouse, I appreciate a little exposition on kyber crystals. They’re confusing little things. I guess, with this book establishing they can’t be easily synthesized they’re even more confusing (are the Sith using natural crystals or do they just have a method?), but it’s good to have a little material on them and know how difficult it was to power the Death Star.

But really, if anything’s worth reading in this book, it’s the inner workings of the Empire. Rogue One let us know both the Empire and the Rebellion were logistical nightmares. Rebels tells us why the Rebellion is so screwed up. Catalyst tells us why the Empire is so screwed up. How all of the secrecy and backbiting and political jockeying that has run rampant in Palpatine’s organization is doing in the Empire piece by piece. But going by the Vader-Emperor relationship in ESB and ROTJ, we can surmise that in-fighting is a top-down trend.

[team-skull-admin]

Since the wonderful and inimitable @ladyzolstice is currently ALSO complaining about Rogue One (which is quite possibly my least favorite blockbuster moviegoing experience since Maleficent) I’m going to jump on the dog pile. Spoilers and negativity below the cut, nerds!

Rogue One is my exhibit A for the easiest trap for modern storytelling to get into - conflating big watercooler moments and crazy deaths for depth. Game of Thrones at its worst is the main offender here, but at its best it earns these moments by building to them slowly and fleshing out its characters via political drama. In lieu of flesh and momentum, Rogue One has given its characters the thinnest of character development and tries to ride on poorly implemented modern war metaphor and fanservice. It fails at both. The movie opens with Mad Mikkelsen arguing about Mediocre Empire Dude who wants him to build the Death Star or something so baby Jyn runs to hide in a hole in the ground until she’s fetched by Forrest Whitaker, who’s apparently friends with Mads. CUE PRESENT where Diego Luna kills a guy so we know the Death Star exists and he’s willing to do whatever it takes and Jyn is now a young adult in a prison train for some reason. Diego and slightly less violent HK-47 bust her out. I’m not going to talk about the droid anymore because Groot did a better job of making you care about it and Vin Diesel literally only had one repeated line and was a fucking tree. Now they’re on desert planet and we enter the second act of the movie, where it’s entirely clear now that someone on the movie team really, really wanted to make a serious modern war metaphor for the first time. How do we know this? Well! Forrest Whitaker is now with an extremist branch of the rebels and is barely kept alive by machines for some reason. It’s not really implied why this happens or anything, I guess the machines are supposed to indicate he got fucked up or something. Diego is taking Jyn to go see Forrest because they caught Imperial Pilot Defector who has a message from Mads about the Death Star and the fact he hid a weakness in it. They go to Desert City for reasons I would have remembered in a better movie but don’t remember in this one and meet Donnie Yen and his bro/queerbait Mandalorian Bolt Thrower. Yen’s been upgraded from “flower vase” to “Jedi stand-in” and generally does a pretty solid job with the tripe he’s given, and Mandalorian Bolt Thrower is a cool straight cop for his craziness. They both deserve a better movie than this one. They’re the best characters and get no development, although it’s possible they’re the best characters because they get no development. Anyway, after a chance run-in where Yen notices Jyn’s force crystal (aside - this is where I’d nail them for casting him as MYSTICAL MARTIAL ARTS MENTOR, but A. it’s not really my fight and B. the idea of force sensitives kinda just floating about and not knowing what the fuck but randomly pulling off crazy shit makes sense for the time period in-universe) Whitaker’s Islamic extremist metaphor attack an occupying Imperial force because this is a serious war metaphor guys and it’s been too long since we had an action sequence and the movie’s starting to get boring (it doesn’t really stop btw). Like seriously, it’s a desert town, they’re wearing robes, they’re using improvised explosives and assault weapons, there’s the token dude with the rocket launcher that’s in every Middle Eastern conflict-era war movie ever made. You could swap the guns and take out the little alien dude and stick this exact scene in an Iraq war movie and everyone’s none the wiser. So this begs the question - does this metaphor/plot thread go anywhere? Nah, not really. Yen and Bolt Thrower save the heroes from the Imperials and Whitaker’s second-in-command takes them to jail cause they killed a few rebels while caught in the crossfire. Around this point Whitaker interrogates Defector with a fucking tentacle monster with mind powers? For some reason? And this plot thread is resolved like five minutes later when Luna talks to him in the next cell and he’s suddenly fine! Who the fuck knows why that scene’s in the movie. Anyway Jyn’s like, basically cribbing from Finn’s plotline in Episode 7 the whole time except her motivations are stated less effectively and she decides to stick around cause Dad or something. Forrest Whitaker dies when the Death Star fires at desert land but it’s only about as effective as a conventional nuclear weapon because plot. I don’t remember if it’s stated why the Empire blows up their source of force crystals for shooting shit with the Death Star but that seems like a plot hole appropriate for this movie.  Mediocre Imperial Man and I Don't Know His Rank at This Point but I Know Him as Grand Moff Tarkin So Let's Go With That have a conversation at this point and everyone gets weird uncanny valley feelings about Tarkin’s face. I thought it was okay, whatever. Anyway, Diego Luna has orders to kill Mads Mikkelsen for some reason even though a trained German Shepard knows it would make more sense to kidnap and torture him for info if he’s gone bad (I mean shit, there are fuckin magical mindreading tentacle monsters in canon!) so he’s awkwardly trying to sneak off to snipe Mads but OH SNAP MEDIOCRE IMPERIAL MAN IS HERE. Jyn runs off to find her dad and Yen/Bolt Thrower team up to provide fire support. Yen has a laser bow for some reason even though a gun has to be easier to aim but it looks cool so who cares. The creators have assumed you’ve gotten bored again so they shoehorned in another action scene around plot development where Mads dies because reasons. So Vader has a conversation around here and he chokes out Mediocre Imperial Man and has a punny quip about choking on your ambitions. A punny quip that’s fanservice to rehabilitate the image of an OG villian is the best part of this movie. Anyway, Diego and Jyn have an argument because character development needs to happen somehow. I guess. Idk. And they take their info about Mads back to the Rebel Base, who needs to know about the crazy thing the imperials are building now. They have an argument and like any good progressives decide to do nothing, so Jyn gives a speech and they remain good progressives and keep up the slacktivism. Diego indicates that he’s changed by rounding up a few dozen soldiers with a death wish who decide to do a poorly planned suicide mission on a major Imperial stronghold to get the Death Star plans. I assume it’s major, I mean I’d probably protect my main data center pretty heavily if I was a dictator. So they fly down to Vietnam and implement their plan - Diego and Jyn attack the data center while everyone else provides a distraction. This amounts to planting bombs everywhere and killing a few patrols to get everyone’s attention. Now, when they were planning this scene, I bet they had great expectations. We’re going to do sci-fi beach landing! This is our Saving Private Ryan! So I had to stifle a laugh when the first area of the main battle in this fucking movie is a Literal Fucking Third Person Shooter Combat Zone, complete with Completely Arbitrary Cargo Crates Conveniently Placed as Cover Points. It’s basically Virmire from Mass Effect, minus Geth. Were Geth on Virmire, I forget? Anyway, once the Rebellion figures out that a few dozen soldiers decides to commit suicide on  Vietnam Virmire this INSPIRES THEM TO ACT and they...send in a bunch of their fleet to assist in the suicide mission. After deciding it was a bad idea like, a few minutes before. Completely arbitrarily. Okay. Anyway, the Game of Thrones bloodbath begins here. The Imperials close the warp gate off the planet and Pilot Defector dies plugging in a radio to let the Rebels know. Donnie Yen and Mandalorian Bolt Thrower both die after arbitrarily moving from Third Person Shooter land to a beach for reasons unexplained. Diego Luna dies TWICE: first in an Assassin’s Creed climbing sequence in the world’s most unwieldy storage room (why the fuck don’t the Imperials have like, servers?) and saves Jyn when Mediocre Imperial Man jumps her on top of the tower that holds The Inexplicable Library of Hard Drives. HK-47 dies as any good HK droid should, by killing a bunch of motherfuckers. Jyn trusts him with a pistol before this happens and in a better movie this would be touching but I never really felt like he was a threat to anybody so I didn’t care. Anyway, Jyn watches an arbitrary countdown happen and Admiral Ackbar senior gets the Death Star plans on his corvette (which fucks up two Star Destroyers by ramming into them, I admit that’s pretty cool) and the Death Star shows up to cut their losses because somehow this dumbass attack that was planned in five minutes was successful and Diego and Jyn die in a nuclear bomb’s glow, hugging. That’s actually a decent ending! Roll credits. Except nah, we totally had to arbitrarily see Vader be a horror villain and fuck shit up for thirty seconds before seeing CG Princess Leia (RIP) so Star Wars nerds get to go HA! THEY RETCONNED SHIT! and normal people don’t care. That should have been a credits stinger. Like, grow a pair and just gun for the coolest credits stinger of all time. The movie is better for it. This quickly devolved into Summary Word Vomit but Rogue One is a bad movie because it’s all bad plot and poorly executed war metaphor over character development. Episode 7 primarily worked because they did the exact opposite. We explicitly know Finn’s reasons for doing what he does, Poe’s, Rey’s. Their actions make sense, and as such their development is earned. Even Kylo Ren stares creepily at a fucked up Vader helmet for thirty seconds. I’m not saying a s serious Star Wars movie can’t work, but if you’re going to attempt it, the characters needed to interact to make the events actually matter. People like Donnie Yen and Diego Luna and Jyn because, in spite of the dour material, they’re good enough actors to get some charm to slip through. In the end, Rogue One is a movie that tells its story via a checklist rather than organically. They wanted X seriousness and Y war metaphor and Z watercooler depths, but forgot that these things work because they’re earned via character development, not in spite of it. I fucking hate this movie.

[rawinternets]

Star Wars Episode 4: A Rediscovery

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE

Where it all started: a runaway ship and a jettisoned escape pod to Tatooine. This movie was and is truly great: iconic, consistent throughout, unique, creative, funny, exciting, with only a handful of dud scenes, particularly toward the end (surprising). The opening scroll of Episode 4 is one of the best scenes in all of the series, particularly good when you compare it to some of the later scrolls that sound like a 7th grader wrote it for a homework assignment entitled: “Use seven different adjectives in a three-paragraph mini-story.” And this movie also has the Cantina scene, which might be the best scene of all. 

A few other surprises: 

The movie drags in the end of the beginning, after the droids land in the desert. It takes some time to pick the meandering storyline back up. 

The scenes with Vader and Tarkin are always consistently incredibly well acted, scripted, and executed. They zip along and you feel like you’re in the room. 

The Obi-Wan / Vader fight was much better than I remember.

The Trench Run has not aged well. The tactics are asinine and sort of brought me out of the movie.

There is a terrible and wholly forgettable scene right after successful DS destruction and right before the iconic and awesome throne room / medal-giving scene at the end, and this forgettable scene suuuuuuucks. Maybe I was a little harsh, but singlehandedly kept Ep4 from being the best of all the movies. 

Average score: 8.00 Standard deviation: 1.39

Opening scroll. 10. Perfection. Punchy synopsis of Rogue One, brings you right into the action, no superfluous words (again, a sin that is committed many times later on in the series). 

Chase and escape. 9. SUCH an iconic shot, with the Corellian Corvette desperately trying to outrun a Star Destroyer (we don’t know what they are yet, but they are mesmerizing images). Beautiful and unique music. After seeing Darth Vader crush in Rogue One, I wonder a bit why he didn’t just slaughter them all here, but I suppose he needs to make sure the plans are secure. The first look at Iconic storm troopers. Droids manage to advance plot without being annoying (spoiler: won’t last for long, because C3PO sucks). This set piece ends with an iconic shot of the jettisoning escape pod, beautiful sweeping planet shots, and Vader being a sharp badass. 

Tatooine droid landing. 6. The pacing is a bit slow. C3PO and R2D2 are iconic, but annoying here. Why do they shout at each other instead of transmitting signals, I find myself wondering? 

Jawas. 7. Super tense, eerie, spooky, and weird. Love this. No music helps. Manages to be funny without trying too hard, and lets the weird lead. Cool steampunk tech and funky droids. I still give it a 7 because the pacing is a bit slow. 

Searching in desert. 8. Why are the stormtroopers riding animals? No matter. The tension is rising right on cue. The Jawa... trailer? moving city? is really cool.

Meet the Skywalkers. 8. Love the uncle here. “Alright, shut up” to C3PO - crowd pleaser! Luke is whiny but not overly annoying. Seems very natural. Surprised R2 units aren’t worth more, but for reasons I’m not supposed to know yet. 

With Luke and Uncle. 8. Who is Obi-Wan Kenobi! Love the mystery here. The iconic double-sunset overcomes Uncle Owen being a dick. Great hinted line about “too much of his father in him.” ... “that’s what I’m worried about.” 

Speeder and sandpeople. 8. More mystery and weirdness. Great tension. Into it. 

Obi-wan. 8. More mystery, more intrigue. Great dialogue here as we learn more about the galaxy we’re in. We learn about the force (deeper than we learned in Rogue One). The backstory of Luke’s father doesn’t really make sense the way he tells it, but I suppose with hindsight that lack of clarity is forgivable. Why is he so willing to train Luke in the force - desperation? 

Death Star conference. 9. Tarkin is a badass. Vader is a badass. 

Tragedy at Skywalker farm. 9. Serious emotional heft here. Smoldering bodies. Wow. 

Leia tortured by Vader. 9. Short scene but so very well paced and tense.

Mos Eisley. 10. This sequence is just amazing. The Jedi mind trick, the Cantina. Music restarting after the lightsaber fight. All this interspersed with the tension of the droid search. Han crushes his intro, Obi-wan Dads Luke so hard. Greedo is great. Both shoot at the same time, so that controversy is solved. This scene will be considered for “best overall.” 

“Set your course for Alderaan.” 9. Near-perfect scene again with Tarkin. Short and well-paced to keep the story moving. 

Droid search and getting off Tatooine. 8. Great tension in the searching, I’m fine with the added Jabba scene to show how “deep” Han is in it, and the fantastic iconic shot of the Falcon taking off. Lots of fun.

Falcon chase. 8. Great tension and space shots. 

Alderaan destruction. 8. Great acting. Leia does her best, but it’s hard to get a sense of the destruction of the whole planet. Not much at stake since we haven’t seen it or met anyone from there. Rogue One did this better. 

Talking in the Falcon. 8. “Let the wookie win.” All sort of out of place after we just watched a planet get blowed up. Great Han stuff, great stuff with Luke getting a taste of the Force. 

Asteroid field Alderaan. 9. “That’s no moon.” Such cool shots. Falcon gets pulled into the Death Star. Vader is on point again. Just perfect pacing. 

Death Star sneaking. 8. The “first” (or second, in my order) of a long line of scenes where small numbers of rebels sneak around a large Empire base, but this one is fun. Good tension. R2 Hax0ring and Obi-Wan jedi ninja sneaking are fun. Not big into the stupid crackpot idea to save the princess from the jail, but the Han vs. Luke argument here is fun. C3PO manages not to be terrible, but also not good. 

Leia rescue. 6-8. The cleverness of the “my god, he’s loose!” Chewy prisoner plan is fun. Great sexual tension with Leia and Han from the get-go. Great, iconic trash compactor scene and first (and most natural?) “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Very annoying “3PO!!” repetition by Luke. The blaster accuracy and subsequent shitty hollywood rope-swing with Leia and Luke is kind of grating and that part is a 6. 

Vader and Obi-wan. 9. Starts out with yet another great scene with Vader and Tarkin. Watching Vader vs. Obi-Wan is so much more interesting after watching him go HAM in Rogue One - Obi-Wan must be powerful and dangerous. The fight is better than I remember, and you almost forget Luke’s annoying “Ben!?” exclamation. How does Luke get Ben’s lightsaber!?

Escape in the Falcon. 7.  Takes a while to get the scene setup, but builds some good tension. Great soundtrack, great effects. R2 putting the fire out is funny. “Great kid, don’t get cocky!” But why only 4 TIE fighters chasing them? What about the tractor beam? Why are these star destroyers so big? Why are you so happy that “we did it” when you’re still right next to a huge death star? 

Leia and Han. 8. These interactions are incredible. Luke is a schmuck here, and Han fucking with him is funny. 

Yavin 4 pre-attack. 6. Great tension-building with the Death Star getting to Yavin vs. planning for the trench run. Han leaving with the reward is great. Pacing is a little slow given how urgent this should be - what’s with all this pilot grabass? Luke and Leia is a mediocre scene. X-wing takeoff scene is fine at building suspense but is it really necessary? 

Trench Run. 7. Great action vs. Death Star approaching its range. Great aerial battle with TIE fighters. “X-wings too small for a huge battle station” trope will be repeated so many times you wonder why they build the ships so big. LOVE Vader getting after it himself in the TIE fighter. The A-wing trench run is very fun. Tarkin’s arrogance here makes no sense given Rogue One... he should know there’s a vulnerability. It’s a very tragic attack... everyone is dead and it comes down to Luke. But why are all the pilots simply acting as fodder for Luke? Why don’t they try to engage the TIE fighters? “Use the force!” and “The force is strong with this one!” are hokey but I guess that’s OK. We get Tarkin saving the scene with “you may fire when ready,” which is so well delivered every time. Han ex Machina at the end here. And Luke succeeds. 

Short celebration. 3. Vader is alive, straight into a god-awful scene. Sparse clapping and quiet “hoorays” and hokeyness all around. What the shit, Lucas? 

Ending celebration (Throne room medal scene). 9. Fantastic music and framing and imagery. R2′s back! Yay hokey!

Credits. Such memorable music. Fantastic. Credits in the stars. 

VERDICT

Yep, there’s a reason this movie launched a multi-decade world-changing franchise. Lucas’s vision is powerful but you can also see how he was helped along by great editing, and you can see where the editors met their limits (post-DS celebration scene... man, so bad). Most scenes were 8′s or 9′s, a couple 10′s in there, and only one score below a 6 at all. Great movie.

REVIEW LINKS:

Introduction: Star Wars, a rediscovery.

Rogue One: 6.92 / 10.00 (stdev 2.06).

Episode 4: A New Hope. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.34).

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.29).

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. 5.00 / 10.00 (stdev 2.08). But probably worse than that, actually.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. 5.48 / 10.00 (stdev 2.07).

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. 7.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.77).

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. 7.90 / 10.00 (stdev 1.91).

Episode 7: The Force Awakens. 6.57 / 10.00 (stdev 2.01).

Episode 8: The Last Jedi. 6.31 / 10.00 (stdev 1.89).

Verdict: Star Wars, A rediscovery.