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actuallysaiyan · 3 years ago

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My Personal Love Story: Shikamaru

Request: "Hey! So just wanted to inquire about the event! If possible I would like it to be me and shikamaru :) Small blurb- I am a person who loves nature and is very introverted. I feel like I am definitely shy and that I get embarrassed easily (I have autism). I also love cozy things! Love language and personality- I am totally a sensitive romantic. I get very attached to my s/o and I get my feelings hurt pretty easily. I love to take care of my s/o and spoil them. I also crave affection to a fault. I am super sensitive and I do have severe anxiety so having a partner who is understanding and supportive is a must. I love being dominated when it comes to intimacy. But I also adore aftercare. Star sign~ aquarius ♒ Dates I like~ I love things like nature walks, museums, cuddling with movies, getting takeout, and going to the arcade Fav music info~ my fav genre is definitely kpop and my fav band is BTS. My favorite artist is Joji" @jmtzthehokage

Your Song: Lovesong- The Cure

Headcanons:

When Shikamaru first met you, he was a little taken aback. You were so shy and cute, but his heart was pounding in his chest, and he was seven at the time, and he didn’t like girls. But he did, and you were the apple of his eye.

As you both grew up and trained together, Shikamaru became so attached and so protective of you. Both of you had feelings for one another, but it always became so hard to confess. You were so shy and Shikamaru got so nervous when he even just thought about telling you how he felt.

Eventually, he couldn’t hold it in anymore and he kissed you. When you didn’t kiss back at first, Shikamaru pulled away and studied your face. You were a little in shock and you were blushing profusely. He tries to stammer an apology but you were already running away from him.

A few days went by, and finally you both just came to terms with how you felt and you went on a cute first date. Shikamaru took you to dinner and you had a lovely time. It was like being kids all over again, except you were so deeply in love with another.

Shikamaru is so protective of you, even though you know how to defend yourself more than adequately. He just hates the idea of anyone hurting you, either physically or emotionally. He will defend you tooth and nail, especially if Naruto decides to make some sort of stupid remark about you.

LOTS of cuddles. So much alone time together while cuddling, and lots of cloud watching on beautiful days. Shikamaru will build blanket forts in the sunshine so you both can take long cat naps together. He loves to give you soft kisses while you’re both napping, maybe even when you’re both snacking as well.

Shikamaru will always do something special for your anniversary. He always plans the best things, like ordering some take-out and watching a fun movie with you. He loves to get any time alone with you since he is a busy man, but anniversaries become so much more special.

Even though he is a very busy man, Shikamaru makes time to come home and have dinner with you every night. It’s his favorite thing to do with you on a daily basis and he loves whenever you cook him his favorite meal. You both get the opportunity to talk about your day and enjoy each other’s company.

Shikamaru loves it when you bring him lunch at his job. He can barely take a moment to think for himself some days, so he absolutely melts every time you bring him a home cooked meal. It means so much to him, and he’d be too embarrassed to tell you sometimes, but it’s what makes his day sometimes.

He is so happy that you and his two best friends got along. Ino is like a big sister to you, very protective but she gossips with you all the time. Choji is your snacking partner, but he would never ever let anyone hurt you. He’s also very protective of you. The four of you go to dinner often together and of course, Choji fights anyone for the last piece of meat.

His First Time Going Down On You:

Shikamaru looks deeply in your eyes as he removes your panties. You sigh in relief as you feel his fingers slowly spread your wet folds. He grunts when he feels how aroused you are, and he can’t help but smirk slightly. After all, he’s the one who’s made you feel this wet. He can smell your arousal and his cock stirs in his pants.

“Shika, please.” You pant as he teases you with soft touches and caresses to your clit and wet lips.

“I want to taste you,” He admits, leaning down to kiss you from your stomach down to your thighs.

He takes his time, making you so impatient to finally feel his ministrations. When his tongue first makes contact with your pussy, you can feel your toes curl and your eyes squeeze shut. Shikamaru groans as he tastes you, his tongue lapping up at your juices. He grabs you by the hips, pulling you in closer so he can taste you even more.

“Baby, you taste so damn good. I could lick your pussy forever…”you can hear the sincerity in his voice, but the subject matter is so naughty it makes you blush.

His tongue swirls around your clit before he sucks on it lightly. You buck up, your face even more red now. Shikamaru just chuckles softly, caressing your thighs softly.

“It’s okay baby, you can ride my face a little bit if you’d like to.”

You start to gain some confidence as Shikamaru continues devouring you. You truly get lost in the pleasure of it all, barely noticing his fingers prodding and teasing your warm and wet hole. His name falls from your lips in mewls and pants, making his cock ache in his pants. He wants to fuck you, but he knows he wants to make you cum on his tongue first.

“Good girl,” Shikamaru mutters between slurps. You whine as he pumps two of his fingers deep within you. He watches your reaction and allows you to adjust to his size.

“Who knows, maybe I could make you squirt all over my face?”

#actuallysaiyan's 1k followers event #bacon's 1k followers event #1k followers #shikamaru nara #shikamaru nara x you #shikamaru nara x reader #shikamaru nara x y/n #shikamaru smut #naruto #naruto shippuden #naruto smut

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erinelezabeth920 · 5 years ago

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Love in the Time Of

Shame. Is the thing I want to talk about. Love in the time of shame.

I mean I don’t really want to talk about it. I’d really rather not actually, except that I have the sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one. Not by a long shot. So here we go. Last night I wanted to go to bed by 10pm, so I could get up early and go on a run BEFORE signing into Zoom at 7:45am to lead a yoga meditation class for my friends and family, BEFORE doing some reading of self-help books and solo meditation BEFORE I start trying to do an impossible job from my living room for an unclear number of hours per day with an attention span of basically zero to negative.

When I write this it sounds absurd. I know that. But brains are weird. Especially mine. Remember the anxiety based overfunctioning/ underfunctioning I talked about last time? Overfunctioning much? Anyway, that didn’t happen. We had finished a DnD session with my brother and college roommate, (my character is a rouge-gnome named Huckleberry Shake who has short purple hair, is really good at sneaking and lock picking, and carries a crossbow. I like to imagine a sort of cross between ‘Midsummer's Night Dream’ and Assassin’s Creed’.) Anyway, it was around 9:30 ish pm. It was also Cinco de Mayo, and we had picked up tacos from the neighborhood about a 15 minute drive south with a strong hispanic/ latinx population. The past couple weeks I’ve been referencing that line in��‘Wet Hot American Summer’ where they all pile into the pick up truck to go into town and go batshit crazy. “It always feels good to get away from camp, even for an hour!” Just to drive somewhere to pick up food feels like a crazy adventure these days.

I made us magaritas when I got back; they were bright blue because we had some kind of blue liquor that I can’t remember the name of. After DnD I wanted to watch some TV. I made myself another margarita and some popcorn, which is my quarantine coping crutch. I watched this trashy but great Netflix show about teenagers in North Carolina called Outer Banks. Except the episodes kept ending on cliff hangers (OMG he KILLED HIM?), so I kept watching. I painted my toenails purple, using packing peanuts to space them out. I was kind of proud of myself actually.

It was about midnight when I went to bed. I woke up with a small headache, a result of tequila and salty popcorn and poor quality sleep. I was going to go on a walk/ run and listen to the news. I didn’t. I snoozed the alarm about ten times. It was raining out. I led my yoga class and ate some sourdough toast. And here we are. The light is filtering through the apartment windows, as I sit on the couch in my sweat pants. The crazy thing is, I just feel SO much shame. And guilt. Guilt for having a headache, shame for not waking up early to do all these things I honestly don’t even need to do. I feel shame for not writing more often, shame when I look at the dishes that are dirty. Shame when I don’t go outside to go on a walk, exercise, or when I close my work laptop early to lie on the couch and scroll through my phone. I’ve been trying the past couple weeks to figure out this phenomena that seems to be happening to me, but also to other people I talk to. I feel okay for about 3 days, and then completely collapse. I just can’t do anything, flatline, but there doesn’t really seem to be a direct cause. It’s just like dropping on the roller coaster without warning. I was telling a friend the other day that on weekends, all I do is sleep. Usually I’m a very active person who has an almost clincally hard time sitting still. I haven’t felt like this, I told him, since I worked the hardest jobs in my life- full time wilderness therapy or residential treatment for children with Autism working 12 hour days. I work MAYBE six hours a day these days but probably more like four, broken up by lying on the couch watching documentaries and scrolling on my phone. So why am I SO DAMN EXHAUSTED?

I did some research the other week into chronic stress for a newsletter article I was writing for parents of my elementary school. Chronic stress is different than acute stress, I found, because it has no concrete beginning and end. It’s not like a car crash or a loved one dying. Instead (for those of us with the intense privelage not to be on the front lines- god bless if you are) it’s a constant low hum in the background through news headlines, grocery store lines and crossing the street when another person is coming your direction on the sidewalk. It’s a disruption of normality with no conceivable ending, sending our brains into a low key 24/7 flight or fight mode, draining us with tiny doses of adrenaline and uncertainty that build up over time. It’s not in the forefront, but it’s there in our tight shoulders, exhaustion, inattention, insomnia, short fuses and total lack of motivation. Until we can’t take it any more and crash, seemingly out of nowhere. And then the whole thing starts again.

As Brene Brown says, “We’ve hit our collective weary.” In one podcast episode she interviews a grief expert. He says, we are all grieving right now. Even if we don’t name it, we’re showing the symptoms. But instead of grieving the death of an individual (for most of us), we are grieving the lifestyles we’ve lost (work settings, close contact, friendships, normalcy). And grief exhausts us. BUT, because most of us aren’t experiencing acute grief (ie a loved one dying) we feel shame on TOP of that grief, that we shouldn’t be tired or inept when others have it SO much worse. It’s a meta emotion. Shame layered on grief like a terrible lasagna. How can we be justified in experiencing grief when all we do is sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat snacks for hours a day? We’re not even in a wartime or something concrete that gives justification and purpose. Instead it’s just a vague, deep sense of disruption of life as we know it. But it’s just as real. I was walking on the beach at the time I listened to the podcast; when he said the words, “We are grieving the loss of the world as we knew it,” the sun was setting over the water. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

A few weeks ago, Andy cut my hair. When the pieces fell to the floor of our friend’s porch and the scissors snipped away larger chunks than I woud have liked, my stomach dropped. I started panicking. I felt like the world was ending. I don’t panic when I read the news, go to the grocery store in a mask, or even read the death toll. But when my hair fell to the ground around me in the gathering twilight, I absolutely lost it. I came home and sobbed. It was the first time I’d cried since the pandemic began, and it’s like it just all came out. I was so angry at Andy, and he felt so bad. I was a shell of a person for twelve hours. I cancelled morning yoga for the first time in six weeks, lamenting everyone would have look at me close up on a screen. I wanted to stay in bed forever, (until we fixed the haircut and it actually looked pretty good). But for a second there I was broken, and it was because of a goddamn haircut. I mean for Christ sakes, people are dying out there. It made me feel so petty and stupid. There’s a global pandemic happening, and I am distraught FROM MY HAIR?!

But that’s how grief works. We can’t look at the thing head on, it’s too much. A death toll is just numbers. Our brains seek to survive, to normalize, to adapt just to get through. So instead the trauma seeps into the corners, slowly creeping into our bodies and collective exhaustion until one little thing causes the world to come crashing down. The straw that breaks the camel’s back. And then we feel overwhelming shame for being so affected by something so little. For me, my lizard brain was honestly convinced I would never be attractive or happy again.

(ALSO to be fair we watched, ‘Little Women’ a few days later. In the movie there’s the scene where Jo cuts all her hair off to give her mother money to travel to their sick father in the war. She’s then pictured crying under the stairwell. “Is it mother?” her sister asks. “No,” she says, “It’s MY HAIR!”. "See?!” I said to Andy.)

The underlying theme here is shame. We’re ashamed of our emotions because they don’t seem justified. Comparative suffering. My suffering isn’t nearly as bad as others, therefore I should not feel this way. I’m ashamed of myself for eating snacks and worried I’m going to gain a bunch of weight. Then I’m ashamed for being ashamed instead of being body positive. I’m ashamed of myself for enjoying an evening with drinks (yes plural), popcorn, painting my toes and watching teenagers who are actually in their twenties look for buried treasure. Honestly, it sounds like a great night. And it was.

I just finished re-reading “The Four Agreements”, the Toltec wisdom book. The first agreement is “Be Impeccable With Your Word.” I assumed from the first time I read it, it meant “always tell the truth”. The reality though, is it means, our words have power. Especially our words about ourselves. Just this morning I entered my enchilada and margaritas from yesterday into my ‘Weight Watchers’ app and felt terrible. I told myself I was fat, lazy and useless. Which seems absurd when I write it out, but that’s the honest to goodness narrative inside my head. Being impeccable with our word means watching what we say to ourselves, because our words create a reality. We create our own cycles of shame.

Even at this moment, typing this, I feel ashamed that this piece of writing is so scattered. My English major brain is mad at me. Get it together Erin. Find a cohesive theme and stick to it. Get emotional, but not too emotional. Tell stories, but not too many stories. But writing at it’s best is vulnerability and transparency; and honestly right now it’s hard to hold on to any one thought for longer than a few seconds. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. Little pieces, scattered thoughts, just trying to put the puzzle together. (Oh and don’t even get me STARTED on puzzles... Andy is MUCH better than me at them, and, saving the face of our relationship, let’s just say that is another dangerous straw perched on the camel’s back through only the fault of my own...) Anyway, I think at this point, just find anything that makes you smile. Literally anything. I personally like Brad Leone’s Bon Appetite Youtube channel “It’s Alive.” He makes me laugh so much. The episode with him and Orville Peck making elote almost broke me. Find those things, hold on to them and be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel less than. Just remember you’re not. We’ve collectively hit weary, the point in the race where you’ve been running for so long, but the finish line is so far away. It’s okay just to go one step at a time.

Paint your toes. Eat your popcorn. Drink your margaritas. Whatever we can do just to survive. One step at a time. You’re not alone.

And that’s love in the time of.

#mental health #coronavirus #quarantine #seattle

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dr-teatime · 5 years ago

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So, I don't really know who else to ask about this but I'm a girl and I've realized that I have a lot of signs of Autism including toe walking and I'm not really sure how to go about confirming that or getting a diagnosis. I don't know any resources

it can be tricky to figure out and for me, it certainly took me a long time and a lot of reading to be certain. i dont know exactly how familiar you are with autism but here some resources to get started with

Five different autism quizzes

How to Recognize Autism Symptoms in Yourself on WikiHow (Ive read through it and it’s well written and researched)

Ask an Autistic on youtube

something that was also very helpful to me was following the ActuallyAutistic tag here on tumblr and just reading about other peoples’ experiences.

as for getting an official diagnosis, the exact answer will vary depending on where you live. I just talked to my psychiatrist about it and she did a basic evaluation before referring me to the ppl who do the official autism assessments. If you’re also in sweden, i think you should be able to ask your regular doctor for a “neuropsykiatrisk utredning” and they should refer you to the right place.

talking to a doctor or psychiatrist is likely the first step wherever you live but i dont know how it works with insurance and all that if youre in, for example, america

#actuallyautistic #Anonymous #teatime says words #and to be clear #self diagnosis is absolutely valid #but an official diagnosis can be very useful for getting accommodations

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winstonhcomedy · 6 years ago

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“Dope A-F” - 5/1-5/7 - “Lot’s of Shows, A Riot at Castleburg, and Do You Have Twitter?”

I GOT BEHIND AGAIN!!! WHY LAYDEES WHYYYY!!! You’ve got to keep me on my toes lovely ones. I will get these shows done. I have a lot of mics to get caught up on, but I know we can do it! So let’s get right to it! xoxo

5/1

I was trying to hit three mics tonight. It was going to be tough, but I knew I could do it. It was also Jacob McFadden’s last night hosting Home Sweet Home before he moved to PA.

My night started by doing a happy hour and hanging with some coworkers for a bit. After that I headed to Main Stage Cafe which is the home of Jay Ron’s Weak on Wednesday’s comedy show. This was the first time I was going to be able to check it out.

I got there early to sign up, and got some fried chicken Mac and cheese. I met up with Bryan Williams, and we hung out and chatted. I took a phone call with another comic about some stuff they were gong through and wanted to discuss with me, and then when I came back in more comedians started to show up.

Jay Ron gets there and he tells us he is gong to wait for a few people to get there before the show starts. There are a few comics doing the open mic, and a few for the booked portion. This is an urban show, so it was an exclusively black audience. Which is fine with me I love working these rooms. It’s a great way to try new stuff, and see if your material works across different groups.

I am told I am going to be up second. First is Bryan. He goes up after Jay Ron and they don’t really vibe with him at all. He gets a few laughs, but his self deprecating style doesn’t really click with he 8 or 9 people that are there.

After he gets off it is my turn. Jay Ron brings me up on stage saying I am his, “n word” and that gets a laugh. I then go up and go right into crowd work. Bryan asked if anyone used facebook and no one responded so I riffed on a lady who is obviously lying because she has been on Facebook this entire show. I then talk to a single lady about if she ever been with white guys she said no in a negative tone so I riffed on her being racist, and then went into my material. I talked about teaching and it got some good responses.

I felt good about my set because I feel like I woke the crowd up, and got them involved. I love being able to be the one to crack them, and make the show better for other comics. I’d give my set a B-. Some of the crowd work was lame, but it worked, and the material did as well.

I left immediately and headed over to Emiliio’s hosted by Sho. I was hoping I’d be able to get up quickly before heading over to HSH. I walk up to the venue and it looks empty. I walk in and there are like 5 or 6 people talking at the bar and Sho says I can go up if I want. Apparently only one other comic Aaron Shoemaker even did Emilio’s that night. Which is a shame that people did not take advantage of another mic so close to HSH.

I tell him I’m ready to go up and I have a super fun 10 minute set. I try all new stuff, and the people there are super into it. I riff quite a bit, and try some stuff including my R. Kelly joke (which has been doing pretty well) and legit this is one of the more fun poorly attended mics I’ve done in a while. I’d give this set a B+. I talk to Sho a bit and then head over to HSH.

I get there and it is packed. Like legit. The show is starting in five minutes and there are about 30 comics signed up, and an actual crowd, and Jacob is starting to get super emotional.

Comics drove from all over to go up. Some came from DC just to get a spot and say goodbye, which was really dope to see. The comics meeting was held outside and it seemed like Jacob was going to cry. I take a few pictures, and then head inside. Everybody is here. Beswick, Velez, Anthony, Kusterer, Engle, Mike Shea (Brown Frown the Clown), Stella, Richard Woody, Alex Dejulio (came from DC) Bryan, and so many others including some newbies.

The crowd is into the show from the beginning. It is jammed upstairs so you people are having to stand all the way down the stairs and it is awesome. I am up eighth and I am watching comic after comic go up and have a good set. I am so nervous, but also so ready to go.

Finally it is my turn. I go up and Jacob gives me a classic bad intro saying that I am a bad guy that everyone hated, and that I lie about teaching at a school for autism. It makes me laugh and I go up. I do a little light crowd work. I talk to a new comic who is chatty and says his name is also Jacob, and I am like, “I like old Jacob better, this new Jacob is too chatty.” That gets a laugh and then I go into my material and I have a pretty hot set. Some things don’t hit as well as others, but everything gets a laugh and my R. Kelly joke hits really hard. This is the joke I am enjoying doing the most right now,. I also used my last 30 seconds to say something nice to Jacob and just when he was getting ready to cry I made sure to throw a joke in. I’d give this set a solid A-.

I get off stage and feel super good. After me is Anthony and he has a hot set as well. I go downstairs after his and just relax and chill. I am enjoying talking to everybody and just being in the moment. I make sure to stick around for Brown Frown the Clown. I also make sure to watch Jacob give Richard Woody the worst intro of all time. He finally got to do the bit again where he brings Richard Woody up as a convicted sex offender which he has done to Richard for the last 6 years of comedy. It got a laugh and Richard said some kind words and then got off stage.

When it is Brown Frown’s turn to go up all the comics try to pack it in upstairs. People are standing on the steps and even sitting on the floor. I make sure to make my way to the front to get some good pictures. Brown Frown is a drunken clown character created by Mike Shea and a staple of RVA comedy for years and years.

This performance he pretended to be breaking up with Jacob and the set included suicide jokes, sex with poop, sex with dolls, sex with Jacob, used condoms, maggots in someone’s pee hole, and parody songs about his love for Jacob. It was the best Mike Shea performance I have ever seen. It made me laugh so hard and I am so glad I was there to witness it. Afterwards I headed downstairs said my goodbyes and headed home. This had been a long but fun night doing comedy in Richmond.

5/3

No mics so I took off Thursday. There was also nothing going on in RVA on Friday and I wasn’t booked so I hopped on three shows in DC. I got off work and headed straight up there. I was in traffic for what felt like forever and a 2 hour drive ended up taking about 3 1/2. I get there and park where I usually do. I take a 30 minute walk to get to Comedy Club DC (at Club Heaven and Hell) which is Tom Mango’s room.

I get there and go inside. I talk to Tom for a bit. It is crazy hot upstairs because the AC isn’t on yet. Reid Clark is hosting, and he and I watch this video about how Anthony Jeselnik built his newest hour. After this some people start to show up, but we are warned it is going to be a light crowd. I grab my stuff and move to another table.

Mark Mensh a comic from up there and I had a super long nice talk. We talked about comedy and he said a lot of nice things about the blog which honestly means a lot. I don’t know I assume no one reads this so when someone else does, and they tell me things they enjoy about it it really gives me the energy to keep doing it.

We then talked about him moving into the city, and how shows have been. We talked about Gary Gulman and his everyday tips, and just continued to discuss the art of comedy. It was a nice and very fun talk.

More and more comics showed up. I met a few, but it is mostly people I don’t know at all. Bob Siegel was there and I met a dude named Jamal. We are all chilling and the show finally gets started with about 11 people there.

Tom gets in a Gumby outfit and goes up to introduce Reid as host. The first half of the show is people going up and trying to crack them. It is tough because it seems like no one is able to do it. They’ll chuckle a little, but the energy is never there, and the audience definitely needed to wake up.

Comic after comic goes up. A few do well, and a few do ok. Most don’t do very well at all. Tom is freaking out, but it is no one’s fault. These are a lot of newer and inexperienced comics, and being able to wake up a tough crowd is definitely a skill you have to develop.

Finally it is my turn. I go up and do 15. My only goal is to make the show better for everyone else after me. I have to do some crowd work, and slowly get them on my side. I get a few huge pops, and really won them over. I was sweating so much, and working my ass off. Not my best set, but it was super productive. I felt like I got the room ready for comedy, and did my job as the dude closing the first half of the show. I got to do a lot of newer stuff and it worked like I’d been doing it for a while. I’d give my set a B.

After this Tom went up and did his time. He got a few laughs, and I just hope the next few comics can really grab onto the momentum and ride it. After him everybody started to do really well. You could tell the crowd wanted jokes, and since I got on stage another 20 or so people had come into the venue. They all had good energy and everybody did well. Even though I wouldn’t say I got the biggest laughs of the night by any means, I definitely felt good about what I had done. Mark had a good set, and a few other dudes I had never seen before really did well as well. It was nice to see.

After this I said goodbye and thanked Tom for the time. I hopped in an Uber and headed over to DC Drafthouse to do Attack of the Comics hosted by Haywood Turnipseed JR.

I get there and I am a little early. I meet a comic from NYC named Irene who is down for a music festival, and I got to walk to a few comics I hadn’t seen in a while. I got to talk to Benjy for a bit because he was opening for Anthony Devito for the two early shows. Ross showed up, and finally Haywood decided to get the show rolling. I was going to be going second so I could hit Big Hunt.

Haywood goes up and does about 10 to 15 and gets the crowd warmed up. I can tell they are gong to be fun. After him Al Williams goes up. He just moved back, and he had a good set. After him it was my turn.

I go up and have a super hot set. Everything is working. My R. Kelly joke absolutely murders. I am so upset that I left my camera in my car like an idiot. I am desperately trying to get a good video of that joke so I can post it online before it becomes wack. The rest of my set goes well and I close really hard with a teaching joke. I'd give this set an A-. Other than a few lines up top that were weird everything worked great. I say thanks and hit the road heading over to Big Hunt. Ross tells me he dug the R.Kelly joke and I respect that dude a lot so that felt great.

I get to Hunt and people are hanging out downstairs. Sami Sfeir is hosting and there is a good conversation about strip clubs going on downstairs. I get to talk to Lafayette, Cook, Sean, Maddy, and a few others. Naomi showed up and we got to talk about some school stuff she has coming up soon so that was nice.

I am set to go up pretty late in the show so I settle in ready to hang for a while. then I get the glorious news that Ross isn’t there yet so I get bumped up a few spots. The crowd has been drunk and weird all night. They didn’t really give Maddy anything in front of me. It derailed her set and their attention was all over the place. They didn’t seem fun, but I had to go up and work it.

I had a pretty good set all things considered. I hated it, but I know it was going pretty well. I got the R.Kelly joke to work well, and a few other things. They were drunk so I had to slow down what I was saying and try to sell it really hard. I feel good about it though. I just didn’t murder the way I wanted to. I’d give this set a b-. I then grabbed my stuff and headed right to my car. I was too tired to go home so I ended up going to TJs and passing out immediately. I have two shows tomorrow and I need my rest.

5/4

The next day I woke up and relaxed for a while before driving down to Richmond. I was going to be there pretty early and was looking for something to do. I was getting ready to go to a friend’s to take a nap but then Nathan Possum (my old partner from Comics and Consoles and the creator of Barry White Hanson) hit me up and we got lunch.

It was a lot of fun seeing him. We talked about comedy, and possibly bringing back Comics and Consoles in another form than the let’s play. Mostly we just caught up and talked shit. It was a super fun time and the best way to wind down before the first show.

I had e-mailed Mike Engle for a spot earlier in the week, but I wanted to get there early to write and relax. I head over to Castleburg Brewery to set up shop. I chill in my car a bit and then head inside once Bryan Williams gets there. We chill and talk a bit and more comics show up.

Mike gets there, a bunch of new comics, Stella, Ryan Mather, the headliners (Tim Truehart, Drew Robertson), Moe Singleton, Aaron Shoemaker, and Ben Oliver.. We get a game of corn hole going, and legit it is one of the better hangs I’ve had doing comedy in a while. Everybody is joking around and we keep playing until showtime.

The way Game of Jokes works is you have several brackets of randomly selected comics. You don’t know when you’re going up, but when you go up you do 5 minutes and at the end of the round the audience votes on who they like, and it is up to the two judges to pick who they think had the best set. The only thing you win is an extra five minutes. Which is cool, but honestly it doesn’t matter that much.

Around the time the show starts Anthony Thompson shows up. The hang is still pretty good and there is a nice little audience. Mike goes up and he does ok. They are not vibing with his new, but I respect that he was trying to work out this new joke anyway. The first comic is this dude named Fancy Gym and he does a bit where he brings a huge red bag on stage and he goes “knock knock”. The audience goes, “who’s there”? He says, “banana,” and then proceeds to take a banana out of the bag. He does this for 5 minutes and brings out about 70+ bananas, when he finally gets to the orange it gets a pretty good laugh. He messed up the line, but it was entertaining to watch. Kind of ridiculous, and five minutes is a long ass time to see that.

I then get a phone call and go outside. it is a dude trying to book me for a gig on Mother’s Day. While we are working out the details someone comes out and tells me it is my time to go on stage. I am kind of freaking out because this is a paid gig, but at the same time I’m not trying to ruin the show. I ask the booker to let me call him back and as I am running inside I hear one of the judges yell, “if he doesn’t hang up that damn phone, and get in here he is gong to get bumped.” Which I felt was a little aggressive.

I get up on stage and go into my act and I have a super hot set. My R.Kelly joke gets a huge response and then I do a few teaching jokes along with my newish bit about sleep masks. I have the best set up to this point of the show. I dealt with a table of hecklers calling them juggalos after I mention Faygo, and then shitting on them a bit. They loved it and all in all it was a really fun set I was proud of. I’d give it a B+/A-.

I get off stage and go finish my phone call. I get done right as the final comic is on stage. I asked how people have been doing, and everyone says the rest of the comics in my group did ok/pretty well. I have another set to get to this night so I don't particularly want to make it to the next round, but it is definitely cool to be picked.

They ask the audience to vote for everybody. Each person gets a pretty good response, but I had a resounding response for my set. It felt cool to be able to crack them, and set the rest of the show up for success. Then it came time for the judges to pick. Tim picked his buddy Jacob who rode up with him, and Drew picked my buddy Ryan. No big deal. I was surprised but at the same time this solves the problem of sticking around for the second set.

They then have the audience vote between those two. They say Jacob’s name and no one really claps. They then say Ryan’s name and no one really claps. Mike goes, “ok well we are going to have to do it again.” As he says this a woman behind one of the judges goes, “everyone did really well, but this is bullshit we all know Winston won,” and then the crowd went insane. Like absolutely nuts. It was giving me so much anxiety because I’d never seen something like this before. In the moment it sucked, but looking back it was a pretty cool thing. One judge goes, “he is not in this so you need to pick between the two we picked.” This upset them a bit, and I had to go and be like, “hey everybody. It is ok. Pick between my friends this is a fun show.” After this they finally picked and they moved on. Tim went on stage and started his set talking about how he voted for who he rode with because he has to go back with them. Which is fine, and got a good laugh. I didn’t watch most of his set because I was feeling weird.

I went outside to kind of unwind. Like that whole situation gave me a lot of anxiety. It was weird for that to happen and feel like it was derailing the show. The vibe was just weird and I didn’t really want to be around it. While I was outside with my friends talking and relaxing the Drew dude came out to me and was like, “you had a wonderful set.” I told him he didn’t have to lie to me. I wasn’t upset, but for him to not vote for me it just means he didn’t dig my comedy which was ok. This stuff is subjective, the dude was obviously an alt comic and it wasn’t his cup of tea. He kept trying to talk to me, and I told him I didn’t want to talk. I was having an anxiety attack and this wasn’t productive. He said I had good stage presence and I was like, “dude. I do not want to hear why you didn’t pick me. It is ok, but this isn’t productive and I don’t want to hear it.” He finished with, “I’ll just shut up.” I told him that was a good idea and he went inside.

This also gave me more anxiety, but I feel like I did the right thing. It was weird for him to come out and try to smooth stuff over. I felt like everyone was making this thing a bigger deal than it was. I also just hate people being fake. Like he didn’t think I had a wonderful set. So it doesn’t make sense to lie to me about it. I felt like I didn’t get voted for because I’m a hack (I suffer from imposter syndrome quite a bit). I still hung out and watched some more of the show. I stuck around to watch part of his set, and they didn’t vibe with him up top for first few minutes so I grabbed my stuff and headed out. The vibe was wack, and I was upset because of how much fun the day was up until that point.

I got in my car as it started to rain and headed to the warehouse show I was going to be on. It is on the other side of town and it was hosted by Tom Hall. The lineup is going to be fun, and I’m just ready to get there.

I get there at 10:40 and the show was supposed to start at 9:30 and it hadn’t started yet. Tom is pretty drunk and everyone is hanging out. It is a good vibe, and I tell a few people the story from Castleburg which alleviates some of my anxiety. LE Zarling is there as is Anne Meng, Kusterer, Paige, Buhse, Alida, Muñoz Jarvis, and a lot of others.

They have me going last and I have to ask them to bump me up because I’m exhausted and I cannot go up at 12:45 in the morning. They let me go first and we get the show started. Tom goes up and warms them up for ten minutes, and then I get to have a pretty good set.

It is as well as a show like this could go. Two doors down there is a hip hop show, and everyone had been here drinking since 8 pm. I have a good opening line thanking people for coming to a show on the set of Saw 3. That gets a good pop and the rest of my set goes well. I do ten minutes and I’d give it a B. I still feel weird, but I am proud I did my set.

After I get off stage several comics from Castleburg show up. Including Stella, Anthony, and the judge Drew. The show keeps going on and everybody is having fun. I find the cupcakes Tom made and shove about three in my mouth (I eat when I’m anxious). As the show continues the Drew guy comes up to me and we talk about it. He apologizes and I do the same. He is a nice guy and we talk comedy for a bit and it ends well. This immediately eliminates a lot of my weird feelings and we both get to enjoy the rest of the night. I think he understood where I was coming from, and got that it was a weird thing to try and do. I definitely understand he probably had good intentions, but it was not the time for it while dealing with my anxiety.

Everyone is having ok sets. I think I got the sweet spot because of how tired people were. Some people did well and people were coming and going. I had a blast and would totally do it again. Paige went up and worked some stuff out and it was definitely good to see. He and I talk for a bit and then I say goodbye to everyone. Stella and I talk about my anxiety and the night. This definitely helps. I feel a lot better afterwards and I get all my hugs in with my friends. It was truly a weird, but amazing night. I head home and pass out!

5/6

The open mic at The Southern was cancelled so I decided to do Jkogi. After work I kind of just hang around and relax. I get dinner and watch some tv and really just wind down.

I then head over to Jkogi a little early and get a nice hang in. Jack Parker is there and then Mike Engle shows up. I am trying to write some stuff down and figure it out. Ryan Mather comes in with his wife to chill. Eventually a bunch of comics are there. Moe, Rebecca, Anthony, Ben Oliver, and some others show up. The hang and vibe is pretty chill.

Kate is hosting and she has the comic meeting. I am going first and I am definitely ready to go. She goes up and works out some material about her car accident. She talks about a drawer in her car that has tampons on it. She brings me up next.

I get on stage and riff that it was exciting to find out that Kate doesn’t know that the drawer is called a glove box. This gets a laugh and I work out some material It all goes pretty well until Jacob McFadden comes in drunk and throws me off a bit (he loves doing this). I close super weak but that’s ok. I'd give this set a C-.

I get off and go outside. I decide to watch Jacob’s set. We are all hanging outside. I make a bunch of memes with him and Nate Izqieurdo and Jacob makes a setlist of what he is going to do.

I go in to film and watch him and the runs the hell out of the light. it is five minute sets and he does 10. His set is really funny, and I am glad I get to see some of those jokes one last time. He is absolutely wasted and is stepping on some of his own punchlines and messing up wording, but it was magical. Afterwards I say my goodbyes, and head out.

5/7

I am so excited for today. It is going to be three mics, and it is teacher appreciation week. So after work Kenn, Alex and I go grab some CiCi’s pizza. Which is legit one of my favorite restaurants.

We talk about Endgame, Game of Thrones, our buddy Paige, comedy, and everything in-between. While at dinner Pat Buhse posts that Mojos is cancelled for the night because their computers are down. so now my only spots are going to be Vagabond and Fallout.

I get to Vagabond and go in. There is one other comic and two dudes from DC hanging out. The other comic is Jack Parker and he goes up and does like 10 minutes. After him the two guys ask if I will go up.

I go up and do about 25 minutes of the most offensive stuff I have ever written. It is the kind of stuff they are into, and I haven't done that material in a long time. I don’t know if I worked any of it out, but they really enjoyed it. I felt good about myself while doing it, and realized how I dig those jokes but a lot of that stuff just doesn’t fit in my act anymore. I’d give this set a B- because it is very productive and I don’t think I could have made those two dudes laugh harder with anything else.

One of the dudes goes up and he opens by saying R.Kelly didn’t do it, he is Afghan so he didn’t do 9/11, and that he f**cks really hard with the environment. He does his act and gets a few laughs and has a seat. It was a fun cool time. I had a blast. I grab my stuff and tell Jack I’ll meet him at Fallout.

I get to Fallout and talk to the bartender Shelby. I wait for some other comics to get there, including the host Jesse. The hang is good and Jesse finally shows up. He and I catch up and talk about what shows we have coming up. He tells me about the stuff he is going through with his dog and it is really tough to hear I feel for that dude.

Alex and Beswick show up along with Ben, Jack, Anne, Alida, Mu with Paula, and a lot of other comics. A bunch of newer guys so this is going to be fun.

I am up third. So Jesse warms them up, then Beswick works out his material (he has some really good shit cooking right now), then Jack goes and does a Kegel act out to close out, before I get on stage.

I go up and I can’t get anything going. There is a nice little crowd and I am just eating shit on stage. There is a dude talking right at the stage and I try to address it and it doesn’t work. I have weird energy, and I have no won anyone over. Every bit that has been working lately is just dying on stage. I then do a bit and a girl in the audience goes, “do you have twitter? Because I know I’ve heard that before.” She is basically accusing me of stealing a bit off of Twitter and this sends me in a spiral. I finish my ten minutes and this set sucked. Even though I got laughs I feel like I am a piece of shit and a hack. I’d give this set an F.

The first thing I do is go in the back and talk to Alex. We are busting balls, but I look up the joke online. I find one line of it on Twitter, but it’s an opening line. It is not the joke. I can’t find the joke anywhere, but I am leaning towards dropping it altogether (I eventually just rewrite it). I legit can’t handle that. Being a hack is the last thing I want. I want to be funny and relatable. I don’t want to play to the back of the room, but I also want to be respected.

I am in a horrible headspace, but Brandon, and Alex talk me down. They tell me to do some breathing exercises, and we all talk about stuff we used to deal with. They bust my balls some more, but I watch Alex’s set (really good. hot one for that crowd) and afterwards I grab my stuff and go. We talk a bit outside and I do some breathing exercises in my car before heading home to pass out!

We did it laydees! Caught up again. I’ve got some fun shows this week, and the rest of the month. Tonight I am in Blackstone near where I grew up. We will see if I am a draw at all in that area (forecast says not even a little bit.) I will be back tomorrow sweetie pies! xoxoxo

#comedy #bomb #hack #thief #jokes #standup #improv #riot #competition #alt #club

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zoebechtle-blog · 7 years ago

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Unlikely Chapter 1

I will be the first person to tell you - there was nothing about this relationship that made sense. On paper, we were painfully dissimilar: him, a sexy, successful Irish popstar wanted by half the world, and me, an American werewolf living in London. Well, not quite a werewolf, but it took monthly waxings to keep my Greek heritage off my upper lip. I barely topped out at 5’2” on a good shoe day, and leaned more towards the plump end of the body shape spectrum. My grandmother often spoke of my child bearing hips and tried to convince me that men liked a big ass and full boobs. She had yet to be proven right. Meanwhile, his chicken legs looked like they could barely support him. He binged watched ESPN and Golf Channel, and I had zero hand/eye coordination (the fact that I played soccer in high school was a fluke - there were no cuts). Before I met him I barely even knew what a melody was and had forgotten everything I had learned in elementary school music classes. He played the guitar like he was born with it, and pulled notes out of the air to make music that made my heart ache. As I said, nothing about us made sense.

I’d moved to the UK to attend grad school four years ago, and ended up staying. After spending my first year year here alone, and going on what can only be described as a series of tragic dates with men I’d met online, I was lonely and seemingly incapable of making friends. In an act of desperation, I texted my godmother’s niece, Hannah. The one and only time I'd met her we were six. She had told me that my hair cut made me look like a boy and I tripped her going up the stairs. It definitely was not love at first sight. I’d come to London with the number programmed into my phone, but determined not to contact the now-grown mean girl. However, desperate times...

It turned out that Hannah had actually grown up quite kick ass. She did something in the financial sector I could not begin to explain, but she was funny, charming, and when drunk could belch the alphabet. Given that my previous 52 Saturday nights had been filled with Netflix and listening to my neighbors fight or fuck, I latched on quickly. Over the course of the next few years I became friends with her crowd of friends, and a few people I befriended came into the mix. It was a small but lovely urban family, and for the most part we all accepted one another for who we were. I barely missed getting laid so good that my head pounded into a headboard while screaming out for God. Barely.

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Hannah was obsessed. Seriously. I was ready to brain her. The girl had finally swiped right and found a guy she was really into. For weeks we heard about him ad nauseum - Willie was Irish, worked at a firm four doors down from her in The City, and seemed like an all around decent chap. Being bitter, I naturally hated him before I met him. The nail in his coffin came the night Hannah casually brought up his roommate, and how she thought I’d like him. Nope. Not the dreaded friend fix up.

“Stop it right now. You know that’s a hard no.” I flung a piece of baby corn at her out of my stir fry to accentuate my point.

“C’mon. He’s proper cute, and is laddy without being a lad.”

“Yeah, because everything about me screams that I’m the lad type.”

“It’s not like a new type would kill you. There are only so many men in London who live in their mother’s basements with cats.”

“Never going to let me live that down, are ya?”

“Nope. Come on. He’s a musician and he’s hilarious. I met him at their house the other night. I think you two would get on. So does Willie.”

“Willie hasn’t met me. How does he have any idea who I’d get along with?”

“Obviously he’s heard all about you and the rest of the gang and seen pics on my Insta.”

I went back to my dinner frowning. It’s not that I didn’t want to meet guys, it’s that I was scared to meet them. Undoubtedly I would say something weird or awkward, or give out far more information than they ever wanted to know. A few dudes had piqued my interest over the years, but no one that I liked ever really liked me, and vice versa. A lot of mediocre to decent sex had been had (I’m not angel - momma knows what she likes), but that whole happily ever after thing didn’t seem like reality. At 27, I resigned myself to possibly getting a hamster (allergic to cats and who wants to walk a dog in London?) and embracing my spinsterhood.

This conversation and my lack of game stayed in the back of my mind for the next few days. Hannah was right about needing a change in my scenery. Especially since the failed date with the cat dude. My eyes itched in the memory. However, it was Thursday, and Thursday was quiz night at the pub. Most of our crew usually turned out to showcase our combined hundreds of years of education and to get a decent drunk on. I intentionally scheduled a light caseload on Fridays in the event of a hangover. I may get older, but wiser didn’t seem to be coming with the territory.

As luck would have it, I stayed late with a client this evening so I had to book it from the Tube stop to the pub. I texted Paul, one of our friends, asking him to save me a seat and order me a Stella. And a shot of Jameson’s. It had been that kind of day.

A text buzzed from Hannah as I got within a block of the bar. “Are you coming from work?”

“Yup. Got tied up in a session. Be there in 5.”

“What are you wearing?”

“Are you trying to come onto me, perv? Work clothes.”

“That you rolled around the floor all day in?”

What the fuck? I looked down at my black jersey pants and green boatneck tee. It wasn’t the most fashionable thing, but I did spend the majority of my day on the floor working with kids with autism. It’s not like I could do that wearing cashmere and stilettos. And who the fuck was I trying to impress? Two of the guys in our crew were gay, and I’d hooked up with the straight one already. These people had seen me vomit through my nose. Nothing I do could phase them.

Walking into the bar I greeted Eric, the doorman, with a wave (yeah, I’d made out with him once upon a tequila evening) and flashed a peace sign to Allie, our favorite server. We sat the same table every week thanks to the fact that Paul worked a few blocks away and often took a late lunch/early dismissal to get here in time to secure a table. Counting heads, I noticed the numbers were off. Instead of our usual 7-8, there were 10. Oh hell. New people.

As I got closer, I noticed Hannah hanging on the arm of one of the new faces. Great, it’s meet the boyfriend time. And he obviously brought his friends. I said a silent prayer that they weren’t stupid-we take pride in our 10 week unbeaten streak. Oh well, here goes nothing.

“What’s up, bitches?” I shouted as I wrapped my arm around Carly’s shoulder.

“Zoe!” Multiple people responded in salute as I squeezed in next to Paul. The empty seat was flanked by an unfamiliar blonde head, and being me, I didn’t look at him or acknowledge his presence.

“A Stella and a shot, my queen,” Paul said, gesturing to the table while offering his ruddy cheek for a kiss.

“Thank you, pookie bear.” I leaned down and blew a raspberry on his cheek.

“Zoe!” I heard Hannah trying to get my attention from three seats away. Grabbing the shot and sucking it back (oh, burning), I made eye contact with her, silently yelling for her invasion of my safety zone, and waved.

“This is Willie!” She squeezed the arm of the pale, dark haired guy next to her. He grinned, and shit, I did like his smile. He practically was a heart eyed emoji looking at Hannah, so I could check my attitude for the night.

“Hi, Willie,” I shook his outstretched hand. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Likewise, Zoe. I hear I need to be on my toes around you lot.”

“We’re friendly savages once you get to know us,” I assured him.

Hannah piped up, “This is Deo, Willie’s brother.” Deo had eyebrows that challenged my tact, but he gave me a friendly smile. I made brief eye contact and nodded. Fine and dandy.

“And this is Niall. Willie’s roommate.” The blonde on my left grinned at me and offered his hand. Well holy motherfucker. This is why she was asking if I had changed. He was beautiful. Seriously. The scene from Wayne’s World where Wayne sees Cassandra for the first time basically became my life. I swear I could hear “Dreamweaver” playing in the background. I averted my eyes as I felt Paul elbow me.

“Hi,” I was very focused on tucking my purse under the table and adjusting my jacket just so on the back of the chair.

“Hey there,” he said. His voice sounded like the shot of Irish whiskey burning its way to my stomach. Oh hell. His (large, beautiful) hand was still hanging out there, waiting to be acknowledged. Unable to respond to basic decorum, I gave him a sideways high five. Oh my god. Paul loudly snorted into his beer as my face flushed hotter than the sun.

My phone beeped, saving me from more embarrassment. I looked at the text from Jess, sitting across the table. “Breathe, Z. And wipe the drool.” My response was the middle finger emoji. While I was texting her, Brian sent a message from the other side of Hannah, “Your game is on point as always.” “Piss off. It got you into my bed twice in the last year.” Ugh, he was pompous asshole. Unfortunately, he was also genetically blessed, so I sometimes got weak.

Unsure what to do and faced with a dry throat, I knocked back most of my pint. Sweet, sweet beer. My right leg start jiggling uncontrollably as I stared at the table in front of me. I could literally feel the heat coming off of Niall, and knew with the tight fit of the table if I turned even slightly our legs would touch. I scooted closer to Paul.

“Oi, Z! You’re on my lap. Unless you suddenly grew a cock, I’m not drunk enough for that!” Oh fuck you, Paul. I could feel Niall laughing beside me, and prayed it was at Paul’s inappropriateness and not my obvious social anxiety. Sensing my nerves, Jess stood and announced a toilet break and motioned for me. Carefully standing to not rub my ass on Niall’s shoulder, I slid behind Paul, digging my nails into his shoulder and hissing, “Another pint and shot, dickface. And this round is on YOUR tab.”

In the bathroom, Jess pulled out her makeup bag. “Okay, we need to cover up this flush. You look like a drunk sailor.” Hannah burst into the room with Carly hot on her heels. Christ, we were such a cliche.

“I can.not. believe you didn’t tell us Niall Horan was coming to quiz night, Hannah!” Carly stole a lipstick from Jess’s bag and started re-lacquering her lips. “I mean, what the fuck? We’re your best friends!”

Hannah took the compact of powder foundation from Jess and started working on my face, even as I tried to smack her hands away. “I didn’t know he was coming for sure. I invited Willie so you all couldn’t dodge meeting him. He asked if it was okay if he brought his mates.”

“Wait, you didn’t know Willie is Niall’s cousin? Do you not follow any of their instagrams? They post pics of each other all the time!” Jess shrieked.

“Yeah, I found out last week when I went over to his house. He hadn’t told me before. I assume he didn’t want a girl using him to get to cousin.”

“Niall FUCKING Horan and you didn’t tell us!” Carly continued to rage, pulling out her bun and fluffing her hair.

I stood in shock while Hannah tried to put concealer on a zit on my chin that wouldn’t go away and Jess sprayed something into my hair. “Wait up. Who the hell is Niall Horan and why are we freaking out that he’s here? Should I be freaking out? I gave him a fucking HIGH FIVE.” I didn’t know who he was but I could feel the panic rising.

All three stopped and looked at me. “Zoe. Niall Horan...From One Direction.”

“Oh my god. He’s the blonde one. I only know the name of Harry with the long hair. The blonde one is super cute.” Three pairs of eyes looked at me as if to say, “Duh.” “Omg, I’m sitting next to him. I GAVE HIM A FUCKING HIGH FIVE, HANNAH. Jesus.” The layer of powder spackling my face was now useless. My flush could heat a thousand homes during a blizzard. “Is this the cousin you wanted to fix me up with? Are you insane?!”

“Wait, what? You wanted to fix Zoe up with Niall?” Carly looked offended, and frankly I couldn’t blame her. She was the hot one. Hannah was the sweet one, Jess was the responsible one, and I was the funny one. We all had our unassigned roles, at least in my head.

Rolling her eyes, Hannah resumed my impromptu makeover as I stood, still dumbfounded. “Yes, slag. You have a boyfriend, in case you’ve forgotten.”

“I’d drop him in a sec,” Carly interrupted.

“Anyhow, yes, I wanted to fix up Z. His sense of humor is almost as evil as hers, and she deserves a nice, normal guy.” She poked me in the chest with a mascara wand to make her point.

“Hardly normal, isn’t he?” I responded, finally gathering a few of my thoughts. Jess laughed at my gaping jaw. “Han, I’m going to die at this table of embarrassment, and even if I don’t, Paul is going to murder me if we lose because my brain is cheese right now. I can’t TALK in front of a regular guy I don’t know. Nevermind one who is fucking famous.”

“Relax, Z.” Carly finally sensed my pending tantrum and threw her arms around me. “You’re fine. And remember, Paul is an asshole if we lose at trivia. Those bastards from Social Meme-ia are dying to break our streak. Tossers.”

An hour and a half later, we were in the middle of round two, and solidly kicking ass. I still had not made eye contact with Niall, though a few times during moments of excitement, I had bounced up and down and our legs collided. Each time I yanked mine back in horror, and I could hear him let out a little laugh. Carly had switched seats to be sitting across from us, and she was all but laying her tits on the table at him. I admired her confidence. Niall appeared to be eating it up, so good for him. Two whiskeys and three beers into the night, I was loosening up. Now I could at least blame my flushed face on the booze.

“Next two questions are for our science geeks in the crowd,” Ted, the quizmaster informed us. “Yes!” Paul pumped his fist and threw his arm around my shoulder. “This is all you, Zo!”

“No pressure or anything, thanks,” I laughed. The two questions dealt with the brain, and I squealed in delight. We won top points and took a solid lead. I made eye contact with the leader of Social Meme-ia and raised my eyebrow cockily. And maybe scratched my nose with my middle finger. Take that, losers.

“Science geek, eh?” Niall nudged my arm, forcing me to look into his blue eyes that basically cut my soul. He smiled the sweetest, softest smile I had ever seen. I (thankfully) resisted the urge to caress his cheek. And I realized I had not responded and was just staring at him.

“Um, yeah. I have a biology degree.”

“Don’t let her fool you, Ni,” okay, when did he become ‘Ni’ and why was Paul bellowing in my ear? “My Zoe girl has three fucking degrees and is the queen of the science category. She kills that ‘FUCKING WANKER at Social Meme-ia every FUCKING WEEK.’”

Trying to apologize for my drunk friend, I explained, “Paul leans on me because the only organ he can name is a penis.” Did I really just say penis?

Niall’s face turned bright red and he started cracking up. “You are all amazing.”

“Thank you, Ni!” Paul again shouted in my ear, causing me to physically cover it from his thunderous drunk voice. Also, again with the Ni? Had they even spoken to one another before this exchange? I took a swig of my pint and realized he was talking to me again.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said, do you use your biology degree? What do you do?”

That’s an easy simple question. Even I can handle this. “Me? What do I do?” Okay, maybe not. He nodded at me encouragingly, and I polished off the rest of my Stella. “I use my powers for good instead of evil. I’m an occupational therapist at a clinic for autistic kids.”

“Very cool. I work with an autism charity in Ireland.”

“That’s cool.” God, Zoe. Open your mouth and let words fall out. It’s not hard. “Um, which charity?”

Allie came to the rescue with another round of pints. Niall motioned to me and himself, and she nodded in some understanding.

“What was that about?” I questioned.

“I ordered you and I another round of Jameson. I think we need to bond over shots-you’ve got a lot to say in that pretty head that you’re not letting out.” His grin split his face and I, to my own shock, found myself smiling back at him.

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unapologeticallyivy · 6 years ago

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One Side of Me: Autism Mom

My son who turns 4 in 3 months is on the Autism Spectrum. He got diagnosed in December of 2018.

I had suspected something was “off” with him around age 2. He was hardly talking and didn’t know many words. He didn’t react to loud noises in any way which made people think he might have had hearing issues. He didn’t connect with other children his age. We’d go to the park and a young child would be right in his face saying hello and trying to get him to play, but to him it was like they weren’t even there. He didn’t respond to his name as if he didn’t know it at all. He would have meltdowns and tantrums all throughout the day. He had obsessive compulsive tendencies. He would restrict himself to how he played or what he wanted to watch. There were many many signs.

When he was 2 he was referred to speech therapy due to the fact he wasn’t saying up to 10 words. I had a family member telling me he didn’t need it and that people in our family tend to be late bloomers in things like walking and talking, but I still wanted to give my child any resource that could help him. During the time of waiting to be called to start his speech therapy the same family member started noticing all the “red flags” I have mentioned before and they were the one who said “I’m sorry I didn’t think he needed the speech therapy, but now I’m starting to think he may have Autism.” At first I didn’t think much of it, but then I started googling signs of autism in toddlers and things started making sense.

I didn’t know much about autism going into this. I had been around others with autism before, but my knowledge on it was minimal. After doing some online researching I started learning that things my child did that I didn’t think twice about were tied to autism like his toe walking. I had no idea. Then I knew. I just knew he had autism. There were too many of these signs for him not.

Though it was a little overwhelming at first I didn’t dwell on it. I started reading more and more about it to try and know as much as I could to make my son’s life easier. I brought up to his speech therapist about having him tested (October 2017). She asked me a few questions on why I suspected in then put in a referral to the local developmental pediatricians through the same group they were in. I never heard from them. We waited and waited and waited. Then at his 3 year check up (May 2018) I brought it up to his pediatrician that we’d been waiting for so long to hear from the developmental pediatrician and so she also asked me questions on why I suspected it. She then referred us to a different DP in the next county over. We finally got the call for his testing appointment in July 2018.

I must say the testing process is frustrating. Especially not knowing when you’ll finally get the answers you’re needing. The first day of testing we were there for hours. They had him do two different tests that day and then set us up with a follow up appointment for a month later. At the follow up I talked to a different lady than the one who did his first tests and was asked most of the same questions and was asked to fill out a bunch of questionnaires and to come back the next week for my son to do the ADOS test. She made the comment that the next time I come back we will get the diagnosis and have the answers we were looking for. Come the next week they do the test and say that he’s a tough one to diagnose. Told me he’d be considered to have aspergers, but since that wasn’t an official diagnosis anymore they’d need more info. (That was crazy to me since from my understanding though aspergers is no longer a diagnosis on it’s own that it was merged with autism so now that its Autism Spectrum Disorder where there’s now High functioning, Moderate functioning, and Low functioning.) They send me home with more questionnaires for me to fill out and also a few for my son’s dance teacher to fill out pertaining to his social skills. We were told to come back over 3 months from then and to email all the questionnaires back to them once they were finished.

The waiting was the worst. Especially after being told my son’s new insurance wouldn’t cover his speech therapy or occupational therapy, but with a diagnosis he could qualify for secondary medicaid to cover his therapy services. So all the waiting and having to put off therapy I start having no hope on getting answers at the next appointment.

The day of his appointment finally comes. We drive the hour drive to the developmental clinic and we sit down and she says they’ve finished up everything and that we were getting his ASD diagnosis that day. Finally what I had been telling everyone was verified. For months my husband didn’t agree with me and didn’t believe he had autism and my son’s dad and his side of the family didn’t believe it (as if me, the one and only person who’s with my child 24/7, didn’t know there was something going on with my son).

People might have thought I was crazy that I didn’t cry or get all upset by my son’s diagnosis, but the diagnosis was actually a good thing. Him being diagnosed didn’t change who he was. He was still the same little boy. But it did help us go about getting the services and help he needs. Knowing is better than being in denial. The denial and “grieving” the child you thought you were going to have just wastes time when you could be spending that time to help your child. I know it’s hard to go through, but Autism isn’t a death sentence and the diagnosis doesn’t change things since you’ll still bring home the little one you had all along.

I wouldn’t change the cards I’ve been dealt. I love my son with everything in me. All the days I’ve cried thinking how in the world am I going to get through this and finish another awful day just made me stronger because here I am. I made it through those rough days and I’ll make it through all the rough days to come. I can’t quit so I have to take it day by day, dry my eyes, and keep at it. It’s all going to be worth it when my son becomes whatever/whoever he wants to be in the future and I’ll be more than happy that I helped him every step of the way.

#autism #autismmom #kidswithautism #lifewithautism

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frankachental-blog · 6 years ago

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How to Spot Early Signs Of ASD In Your Child

Autism Spectrum Disorder, also known as ASD, is a challenging condition because the children diagnosed with it vary greatly from each other.

Some kids have many ASD characteristics, others have only a few.

When dealing with young children, it can be quite difficult to see the signs of ASD. However, it's a fact that infants and young children with ASD often develop differently from their non-ASD peers, and ASD that is diagnosed early has more treatment options. With that in mind, we did some research on some of the early warning signs that parents can keep an eye out for. These are sometimes, but not always, indicators that your child might be on the autism spectrum. If your child is displaying one of these signs consistently, or several, it might be time to talk to your doctor about your concern.

Signs In Babies & Toddlers

When autism is diagnosed during infancy, treatment can have much more positive outcomes thanks to the plasticity of the infant brain. Admittedly, it's difficult to diagnose autism prior to 24 months, and sometimes, symptoms don't even start until a child is 12-18 months old. However, even at 18 months, intensive treatment can help to rewire a child's brain so they aren't so effective.

The early signs of autism in babies generally involve a lack or normal behaviours, which can make them difficult to spot. Indeed for some families, the early signs of autism are actually misinterpreted as the baby being easy to take care of. Babies with autism often seem quiet, independent and undemanding. Here are some of the signs that might suggest an ASD infant or toddler.

Doesn't make eye contact, such as when being fed

Doesn't smile back when smiled at

Doesn't respond to their name, or familiar voices

Doesn't visually follow objects

Doesn't exhibit any pointing or waving gestures for communication

Doesn't make noise to raise attention

Doesn't start cuddling, and doesn't respond to it

Doesn't imitate parents in terms of movements and facial expressions

Doesn't reach to be picked up

Doesn't show interest in playing with others

Doesn't ask for help, or make requests

Signs In Older Children

As a child grows out of their baby stage and into childhood, the signs and red flags for autism become much more varied. There are a number of areas where kids might exhibit signs that suggest autism, including social difficulties, speech and language difficulties, non-verbal communication difficulties, and behavioural difficulties.

Let's look at a few ASD signs in these areas now.

Signs of Social Difficulties

Children with autism struggle to detect and understand social interaction. Signs of this can show up very early, and as we've seen from the signs of autism in babies, things like lacking eye contact and an interest in others, appear even in babies. In older kids, some signs to look for include:

Disinterest or lack of awareness in what happens around them

Doesn't know how to make friends and connect with others

Doesn't like to be held, cuddled or even touched.

Doesn't play games of pretend, play in groups, mimic others

Doesn't understand or talk about feelings

Seems not to hear when others talk to them

Doesn't share interests or projects with others, like toys and art

Signs of Speech and Language Difficulties

Many children with autism start talking late, and any regression in speaking ability would definitely be looked into. These signs aren't caught until later because children just aren't talking.

Speaks in an unusual tone of voice, or with strange pitch and rhythm

Repeats words and phrases over and over

Repeats question instead of responding to it

Talks about self in the third person

Uses language incorrectly, even when corrected

Isn't able to communicate what they want or wish for

Doesn't understand directions, statements of questions, even if simple

Is very literal, and doesn't understand humour, irony or sarcasm

Signs Of Non-Verbal Communication Difficulties

Kids who have ASD find it really difficult to understand the non-verbal 'cues' that others give off, such as body language, facial expressions, gestures, movements, vocal tone and so on. Here are some of the signs that indicate your child might struggle with this:

Doesn't practice eye contact

Often has facial expressions that don't match what is said

Isn't able to understand facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures from others

Doesn't make gestures

Reacts in a different way to signs, smells, textures and sounds

May experience sensitivity to loud noises

Unusual posture, clumsy nature or unusual way of moving, such as walking on toes

Signs of Behavioural Difficulties

Children with autism are often described as being restrictive, inflexible and sometimes obsessive in the way they live their lives, engage in interests, and go about their activities. These are a few things to look out for that are red flags in this instance:

Likes and insists on following a very rigid routine

Doesn't adapt well to changes, and may respond angrily when furniture is moved or when bedtime is changed

Has unusual attachment to toys and other objects like keys or rubber bands

Lines items up or arranges them in an obsessive way

Is very preoccupied with a narrow topic of interest, which often involves numbers of symbols

Would spend an extended period of time arranging and rearranging toys in a specific way

Spends long periods watching moving objects, like ceiling fans, or focusing on a specific object part, like on the wheels on a train

Repeats certain actions or motions over and over, such as rocking, twirling and so on, known as self-stimulating behaviour

If you feel that your child is regularly displaying one of more of these signs, consider going to see your health practitioner about having an ASD assessment.

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wellinformedmama-blog · 6 years ago

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“The Talk”

-A clinician’s perspective on walking into YOUR home and asking the tough questions-

By Erin Dolan, MA-based Developmental Specialist and Certified Early Intervention Specialist

I have only ever seen Early Intervention from the perspective of a clinician. I can imagine that from the side of a parent with a young child, the whole beginning of the EI process can be overwhelming or confusing. The initial cause for concern. Having your pediatrician call in a referral, or being brave enough to call yourself. Scheduling an assessment. Strangers entering your home. Being bombarded with hundreds of questions. Signing dozens of pieces of paper. Strangers playing with and analyzing your child. Hearing feedback on what he or she can and cannot do for whatever reasons. Hearing the words: “eligible for Early Intervention services based on a developmental delay.” Waiting to hear about what your next steps are. Waiting for that phone call to hear who will be working with your child. Answering even more questions about your child and family.

The whole beginning process can be a lot to take in, but it is necessary for the clinicians to get to know your family and your child. We ask a million questions because we want to get to know you and your priorities for your family and child. The “getting to know you” process doesn’t end with the paperwork; it continues over our first handful of visits together.

Personally, as I get to know your family, I form a bond with everyone. The child I am there to work with and their parents, siblings, grandparents and even your pets. I love your child. I like you. I love your cat. (No really, I love your cat.) I visit your home on a weekly in most circumstances and if I didn’t form a bond with you and your family, I wouldn’t be doing my job. Want to know a little secret? People generally don’t get into Early Intervention for the money. We do it for the kids and the families. We care about you simply because you and your child are on our caseload, and we feel this way about every family. The job is immensely personal. There is really nothing like working in Early Intervention.

The reasons Early Intervention enters a home vary widely. I won’t describe to you every single developmental delay or diagnosed condition I have ever seen; we’d be here all day. But, I am going to be honest with you: as a seasoned professional with 10+ years of Early Intervention experience, I can tell pretty quickly if there is concern for your child being on the spectrum (or some other neurological difference) or not. Yes, there are some kids who are in a gray area, but usually an experienced clinician knows fairly quickly if it’s worth follow-up. The assessment team may have seen it, too, and may have also given a heads up to the person assigned to work with your family. When we see some concerning behaviors, or as we in “the biz” call “red flags,” we don’t want to come in guns blazing. Walking into someone’s home for the first time and saying “Hi, my name is Erin and your child has autism!” would be incredibly off-putting. Your reaction would probably be somewhere along the lines of, “She doesn’t know him. How does she know he has autism already?” And then we’d have an issue establishing trust.

My approach to “the talk” takes place gradually. I get to know you and your child. I establish a rapport with you. I ask you questions about behaviors that occur when I am not in the home and check in on how suggestions for progress went over the last week. I will point out little observations from one visit to the next.

“Wow, little J really liked lining up his cars this week.”

“J has a hard time going with the flow when we try to build asymmetrical towers with his blocks.”

“Did you notice how hard I had to work to get J’s attention this week? I called his name a lot and he didn’t really look for me.”

You’ll agree with me, because you saw it, too. I will write it in my contact note each week. Eventually, I’ll pick a day in my head when we have a visit scheduled. I’ll bring some informational handouts and have them ready in my bag. I’ll end the play part of my visit a little early. I will bring up each one of the observations we have made together over the last few weeks. He’s regularly not responding to his name. He isn’t really making much progress with communication. He’s not pointing to what he wants. He doesn’t seem to process one-step directions. There’s limited imitation of actions or vocalizations. He is lining up toys/wheel watching/walking on toes/hand flapping - little yet important tell-tale signs. All of those little observations that you agreed with me one by one over the last few weeks. I’ll say something like: One of these little things alone wouldn’t necessarily make me wonder, but all of them together make me think something bigger is going on. That bigger thing: autism (or again, some other neurological difference). I’ll tell you about autism and give you some of my fliers. I will ask if you have any questions. We’ll both take a breath.

Early Intervention clinicians understand that this is hard information for you to hear, and it isn’t the most comfortable of conversation for us to have in our line of work. We do it because we are professionals, and because we care deeply. Often, we are the first person to bring up more serious concerns for your child’s development. A good approach to this conversation is direct but gentle. Remember, we like you. We are aware that this isn’t fun information to hear and it is not fun information to give. From the perspective of an EI clinician though, it is incredibly necessary. Personally, if I am seeing red flags in a child, I feel as though it is a disservice to the child and the family not to have this conversation. Early diagnosis and access to intensive therapy is key so that the child can access his world.

If your Early Intervention clinician is having this conversation with you, they do not want to ruin your day/week/life. We truly believe that pursuing a neuropsychological or medical evaluation for your child is in their best interest.

#actearly earlyintervention clinician inhomeservices autism developmentaldelay wellinformedfamilies

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coffeeshopreads · 7 years ago

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"Grip is my ultimate...If I was forced, gun-to-the head, to make one book boyfriend real to be mine, it would be him. No questions asked."

-- Adriana Locke, USA Today Bestselling Author

STILL, the sexy,emotional final installment of the GRIP series,

is available NOW!

Enter the $50 Gift Card Release Giveaway! http://bit.ly/StillLIVEGive I'll be there. Through thick and thin. Ride or die. You can count on me. The promises people make. The vows we take. Assumptions of the heart. Emotion tells us how we feel, but life...life has a way of plunging us in boiling water, burning away our illusions, testing our faith, trying our convictions. Love floating is a butterfly, but love tested is an anchor. For Grip and Bristol, Love started at the top of the world On a Ferris wheel under the stars But when that love is tested, will they fly or fall?

Excerpt:

“Mmmmm, that looks good.” The comment grabs my attention, and I find myself smiling for the first time since I left Bristol. As she walks toward me, the approaching sunset paints the roof in shadows, but I see her clearly. Dark hair, burnished in places, falls around her shoulders. She has already discarded the dress she wore at lunch today in favor of a T-shirt and nothing else; it’s the one I just tossed into the hamper. She tugs at my HABITUAL LINE STEPPER T-shirt, the hem landing at the top of her thighs. Where the T-shirt stops, my eyes keep going, past the lean muscles of her legs and the cut of her calves, the delicate bones of her ankles and to her bare feet. I love this girl, head to toe. Beyond this gorgeous packaging, it’s everything beneath that makes me beyond grateful she’s mine. The loyalty, the bottomless pit that is her heart, her sense of humor. The toughest girl I know is also the most tender, and I’m so honored I get to see both sides, all her sides. “You out of clean clothes?” I nod to my T-shirt. “You gotta wear my dirty stuff now?” An impish smile tugs at her bare lips. She’s washed away her makeup, and with it, all the sophistication she wraps around herself for her job. Up on this roof in my T-shirt, she’s just my girl. I love her in every iteration, but this is the one only I get to see, so it’s probably my favorite. “I have clean clothes.” She steps close enough for me to smell her scent and mine mingling in the fabric. “I like the way this shirt smells.” I drop a look over her, my eyes resting on the curves of her breasts in the soft cotton, where her nipples have gone taut under my stare. “How does the shirt smell?” I ask, my voice as smoky as the steaks I should be paying attention to. “Like you.” She leans forward until her breasts press into my chest. “It smells like you.” My hands are twitching to touch her, and I finally surrender, slipping under the shirt to grasp her waist, pulling her up the few inches until our lips meet. I’ve been thinking about these steaks all day, and before Bristol arrived, I thought I was starving—but this, what I feel having her in my arms after hours apart, this is starving. It starts in my balls and tunnels up through my chest, infiltrates my heart, and presses its way to my mouth, which is open and devouring in a lips-searching, tongues-dueling kiss. I grip her by the ass, grinding our bodies together until the texture of her skin and mine, the scents of her skin and mine meld into this one panting, voracious thing that never seems to get enough. “You better not burn my steak,” Bristol pants in between kisses. I angle my head to send my tongue deeper into her mouth, holding her still, teasing her until she’s straining up, open and begging when I pull back. “Grip.” My name is a whimpering complaint. She cups my neck and tugs my head back down. “Oh, no.” I resist, laugh, and turn to the grill. “You were so concerned about me burning these steaks, Ms. Medium Rare.” “I am.” She slides her arms around me from behind and I feel a sweet sting, her teeth gently biting my shoulder through my T-shirt. I love it when she bites me, but I’m not giving her that satisfaction yet. “But that doesn’t mean you get to stop kissing me. You have to multitask.” One slim hand slides over my abs and past my belt to cup me through my jeans. Damn. Not sure how long I can keep up this charade that I don’t want to screw her into the wall on the roof where anyone with half a telescope could see. “Wow,” I say, keeping my tone unaffected, though she’s gotta feel me getting longer and harder in her hand. “Somebody’s horny as hell.” She makes a sound that’s half outraged laughter, half indignant grunt before stepping around to stand in front of me by the grill. “I will not be slut-shamed by my own boyfriend.” Amusement lights her eyes, turning them to quicksilver. “Shamed?” I put down the grilling fork I’m using for the steaks and reach for her again. “No shame in being horny for me, baby. I wanna give you a gold star.” Her eyes slide down to the erection poking her in the stomach. “Is that what we’re calling it now? Should we name it?” “Guys who have to name their dicks probably aren’t using ’em right.” “So I ask again . . . should we name it?” I cock a brow and press our hips together. “Are you implying that I don’t know how to use mine? Because that’s not the impression I got this morning when you came so hard you were singing like a bird.” She tilts her head, her eyes wide and considering. “Did you say like a bird?” A small smile plays around her lips. “What made you say that?” “I don’t know.” I give a careless shrug. “Why?” “It’s silly,” she says, rolling her eyes in self-derision. “I was thinking today when I laughed it sounded like . . .” Bristol blushes about once every Halley’s Comet, so the color washing across her cheeks makes me wonder. “What?” I probe. “Your laugh sounded like what?” “Like a happy bird,” she mumbles, peering up at me like I’m going to laugh in her face. Which I do. “Stop laughing at me.” She narrows her eyes in mock warning. “Right.” I dip my head to catch her eyes and tease her. “Because when you tell me you laugh like a happy bird I’m just supposed let you get away with that.” “I’m not telling you things anymore.” She narrows her eyes and folds her arms over her chest. “Yeah, right. I’m your best friend.” I pull her back into me. “You’ll tell me everything like you always do.” “You are, you know.” Her voice softens. “My best friend, I mean.” When she looks at me like this, her eyes stripped of every defense, no guard in sight, completely honest and open and vulnerable, I feel slightly invincible. It’s a trick of the heart, I know, but I can’t help but think that as long as she looks at me like this, there isn’t anything I couldn’t survive, that our love is the stuff of legends, rolled in Teflon, disaster-proof. I’m as fanciful as Bristol, my laughing bird. “You’re mine, too,” I echo her sentiment. “My best friend.” “I won’t tell Rhyson,” she promises with a grin. “I’m pretty sure he spits the same line to Kai.” I keep a straight face. “We have to say that shit to get laid.” “I hate you.” “Orrrrrrrrr do you love me and want to blow me after dinner?” I shrug and lift my hands, my palms up. “Just saying. Listen to your heart, Bristol. Listen to your heart.” “I’m listening to my belly right now, smartass, and it’s growling. Feed me.” “Like my mama used to say, ain’t no freeloaders in this house. What’ll you give me for feeding you?” “Um . . .” “I do have a suggestion, if you’re searching.” “Let me guess—you have a ‘Will fuck for food’ sign up here somewhere?” “I used bubble letters.” I laugh and give her ass a light smack. “You can barter that booty.” It’s so damn easy with Bristol—our banter, the chemistry, the perfect rhythm of our conversation. It was one of the first things I noticed when we met all those years ago. We didn’t read each other’s minds or finish each other’s sentences. It wasn’t cosmic, but it was a connection that seized me by the brain and grabbed me by the balls. She was as smart as she was sexy, as curious as she was forthcoming. There were years in between when we made things complicated, when things were strained, but now with our hearts settled on each other for good, it’s simple. This. Her. Us.

Read STILL Today!

(Free in Kindle Unlimited)

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About Kennedy:

Kennedy Ryan is a Southern girl gone Southern California. A Top 100 Amazon Bestseller, Kennedy writes romance about remarkable women who find a way to thrive even in tough times, the love they find, and the men who cherish them. She is a wife to her lifetime lover and mother to an extraordinary son. She has always leveraged her journalism background to write for charity and non-profit organizations, but enjoys writing to raise Autism awareness most. A contributor for Modern Mom Magazine, Kennedy’s writings have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul, USA Today and many others. The founder and executive director of a foundation serving Georgia families living with Autism, Kennedy has appeared on Headline News, Montel Williams, NPR and other outlets as a voice for families living with autism.

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