#also can we appreciate that Rex is lawful pretty

[the-baddest-of-batches]

I present the SUPERIOR alignment chart.

Now to sort out where Kian fits on this chart...

[daiseukiis]

: ̗̀➛ 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐈𝐓 𝐔𝐏 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐒

𝙚𝙥𝙞𝙨𝙤𝙙𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 ; 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙪𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙜𝙪𝙧𝙤𝙨

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─꒱ in which we peak into how life is as the in-law of the fushiguro family after marrying megumi。

─꒱ feat. fushiguro megumi, fushiguro toji & fushiguro tsumiki

─꒱ warnings ; profanity and slightly suggestive

─꒱ notes ; plz this is too much, for crack rzns toji is alive and well. this is basically the shit that would happen if i was an in law of the fushiguro family but i decided to make it into an x fem!reader instead. ALSO THANKS TO THE ANON FOR GIVING SUCH A TITLE ! should i make this a series ?? 👀

─꒱ 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐈𝐓 𝐔𝐏 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐒 | episode two

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꒰꒰ before getting married to megumi, you had to go through two people in his life; the real father and the fake excuse of a father.

꒰꒰ of course the latter was easier to handle with compared to the real father, who in fact dotes on you lots after he had witnessed you shoulder throw the nearest bitch who tried to touch you when you were out shopping.

꒰꒰ you and tsumiki are obviously very close after taking the surname fushiguro, taking turns cooking or even cooking together meals for the family. though, toji shortly enters the kitchen and starts eating the food midway.

꒰꒰ there are times when you and tsumiki are out, the men of the family would buy take out because they're too lazy to cook for themselves. you and tsumiki scold them when you get home and tell them they don't get food.

꒰꒰ then there are other times when toji and megumi would just be fighting for,,, whatever reason.

꒰꒰ that usually ends up with tsumiki throwing spatulas and a bunch of other kitchen utensils.

꒰꒰ though there was a time that she had somehow took the knife you were using to cut pork and threw it at them when megumi and toji were arguing in the kitchen.

the sound of a knife is flung in between the father-son duo, it's sharp end digging deep within the wall as the blood from the pork you were cutting it with drips down the grey paint. toji and megumi halt their aggressive words, eyes wide open as they stare at each other before looking at the knife just half a foot between their faces.

"sorry! i didn't mean to throw the knife!" tsumiki quickly moves her feet towards her father and brother to check if they were alright. the two males took a closer look at the night, she even killed a fly in the process.

you stood in your spot to stare at the sight before you. "gumi," you call out to your husband who turns to look back at you. "yeah?"

"your sister scares me."

꒰꒰ the other times to when they argued, toji would bring out his worm and megumi would summon his shikigami

you return home with tsumiki after buying groceries to hear a loud 'demon dog; totality!' from inside the house, and then in less than five seconds the white door which was installed two weeks ago is broken to bits when you witness your father get thrown out by your husband's shikigamis. you and tsumiki stop to watch as toji brings out the worm from his mouth, a pissed megumi walking out from the broken door and yelling curses at your father.

"who's turn is it to pay for the door?" you ask, blinking your lashes as you hear tsumiki sigh. "i'm pretty sure it's tou-chan's turn to pay."

꒰꒰ a lot of things break in the house often.

꒰꒰ in return, they pay for it and do the chores. though tsumiki threatened them.

꒰꒰ somehow you question why toji and megumi would be afraid if tsumiki were ever to get mad, then you're reminded about the time she threw a knife with accuracy to stop them from fighting.

꒰꒰ sometimes it's just hard to spend quality time with your husband at home when toji is around because he will purposely find ways to annoy megumi.

꒰꒰ you have gotten used to waking up two in the morning to get a midnight snack in the kitchen and witness toji come home in blood.

꒰꒰ that saying, you have also gotten used waking up two in the morning for a cup of water to witness both toji and megumi cooperating to tie up some person who tried to assassinate either or.

"burglar or assassin?" you nonchalantly ask after walking downstairs and pouring a cup of water for yourself. you hear megumi say, "came for the old man."

"i see," after finishing your drink you place the cup in the sink to wash tomorrow morning, glancing once more back to the two fushiguros that stood in front of a cursed user tied up on the floor as one or tojj's weapons were at their neck. you nod, waving your hand. "goodnight."

"i'll be in bed soon, bunny." megumi announces as he tightens the rope around the hands of the intruder, you flash a smile their way, waving your hand and making your way up the stairs. "alright, night tou-chan."

"yeah, sleep well, y/n." you grin at yourself when toji bid you night, though at the same time the said man had to stuff a cloth in the intruders mouth when megumi was instructed to stab the hand when he screamed, continuing on with their interrogation before disposal.

꒰꒰ you and tsumiki one way or another can always drag both toji and megumi out to go shopping, using them as your personal bag carriers.

꒰꒰ when you're lucky toji pays for it all. he actually loves spoiling his daughters but he would never say that.

꒰꒰ toji is constantly asking you and megumi when you'll have kids, saying that it would be good money if they got the cursed technique. it always angers megumi when he says it that, but you know that's just toji's way of showing that he wants grandchildren.

꒰꒰ on that topic when you're left in the house with toji, he'd casually ask you if megumi is fucking you hard enough and why you're not pregnant yet.

꒰꒰ you spit your water at his face that time.

꒰꒰ other times toji would invite you to a horse stadium and watch horse racing with him. but this one time you saw a t-rex costume race on the tv and quickly called toji over

"i bet five thousand yen on t-rex twelve." you point to the tv where they were broadcasting about fifteen people having a race in a t-rex costume in a horse racing stadium. toji looks plainfully at you, "you're disowned as daughter in law."

but you'd still see the small smile on his face as you hear laughing and snickering from tsumiki and megumi in the back.

tagging ; @inumakiful @to-move-on-means-to-grow @hq128​ @erensslut @churochuu @haru-senji​

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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

DO NOT REPOST 、 MODIFY 、 CLAIM WORK OR LAYOUT AS YOURS.

© MGUQIIS 、 2021

[maxwell-grant]

Jumping off from my previous question/suggestion, might I please ask if there are any superheroes you think would make fine Pulp Villains and any Supervillains you think would make convincing Pulp Heroes?

I'm gonna go ahead and remark that I'd personally suggest to anyone who's trying to create pulp characters inspired by superheroes (which would be probably about 90% of you who may want to do that sort of thing) to flip the script around a little. As in, don't try to create pulp analogues to the Justice League/Avengers upfront, but play around with some of the lesser-known icons and filter those through your idea of what “pulp” means (which is gonna be quite different than my own or anyone else’s). 

I’m not gonna really mention characters I’ve already talked about before like Vandal Savage or Namor, instead I’ll pick new ones and see what can be highlighted about them.

Regarding “Superheroes who could make fine/convincing Pulp Villains”, even though he’s a character I've read basically nothing on, Martian Manhunter definitely leaped out to me as an obvious option. He’s a Sci-Fi Superman who takes the first half of the name to an extreme that borders on comical, except he’s not a square-jawed white man, he’s a 1.000 year old green alien from Mars with shapeshifting powers who can look as monstrous as the artist desires. He’s the product of an advanced civilization and genetic modification, and on top of the Flying Brick powerset and shapeshifting, he also has incredibly powerful and extensive telepathic abilities, he can become invisible, phaze through matter, use telekinesis and other weird abilities. A lot of pulp stories closer to sci-fi were based around the idea of taking one of these abilities and extrapolating horrific consequences for them, and J’onn has those by the dozens. He also has an extremely mundane weakness that would allow him to be beaten by Macready with a blowtorch if that’s where the story ended.

He was also a law enforcement officer from Mars who became a police detective and it’s even right there in his name, and again, I have never read anything he’s in (I should probably pick the Orlando mini), I know he’s for all intents and purposes a generally nice man who tends to job a lot in crossovers and cartoons, but the idea of taking all those great vast and horrifying alien powers, combining all of them into a single character who also happens to be the last survivor of a doomed planet (and one who actually lived through it’s collapse), and then making that character a former cop trying to resume his work on Earth? 

That is a Pulp Supervillain begging to happen, and a particularly horrifying one at that. And hey, speaking of The Thing-

Now, Plastic Man’s potential for horror has already been explored quite a bit in some of the darker DC continuities like Injustice and DCeased, and it’s quite funny seeing a lot of these turn Plastic Man into The Thing because there were quite a handful of Wold Newton pages that ran with the idea that Macready from the original story was Doc Savage, and that the secret chemicals that Eel O’Brian was hit by that gave him his powers were actually samples of The Thing contained in one of Savage’s labs. Regardless, the idea of a former street crook suddenly gaining bizarre shapeshifting abilities that allow him to reign terror on his gangster associates could make for a great premise as a pulp crime story that veers into horror as the gangsters gradually figure out what is Eel O’Brian’s deal, and then the story can take a more tragic turn.

The thing about Jack Cole’s Plastic Man that modern takes on the character neglect is that, while Plas was a lively roguish anti-hero (arguably the first of it’s kind in comics), he’s still for intents and purposes “the straight man” (HA, right, Plastic Man being “straight”). He’s the relatively sane hero who plays off Woozy’s wackier misadventures and the imaginative madness that Jack Cole paints his adventures with, and it makes for an interesting contrast considering Plastic Man is already a weird character, having to ramp up the strangeness of the world around him so that he still remains the sane man. There are ways to twist this into something quite horrifying, even tragic for Plastic Man as he either struggles to maintain coherency, or embraces the shifting chaos the world’s spiraling into for better or worse (and definitely for the worse towards those on the receiving end of his vengeance, or even his humor).

Now, onto the flipside, regarding Supervillains that could become Pulp Heroes -

Normally I’d not mention the Batman villains here, because I already have a lot to talk about in regards to them as is, they comprise some of my favorite comic characters, but I pretty much have to make an exception for Two-Face in this topic, as not only a pretty obvious option but one with even case studies to prove it, as not only do we have The Black Bat, a 1930s costumed pulp hero with an identical origin story and several other conceptual overlaps with Batman, as well as The Whisperer, a young hotshot police commissioner who dresses up as a disfigured vigilante to kill criminals without consequence (and who’s somehow less of a maniacal asshole in his secret identity than in his regular one), but it turns out that there actually was a 1910s pulp hero called The Two-Faced Man:

Crewe was created by “Varick Vanardy,” the pseudonym of Frederic van Rensselaer Dey (Nick Carter, Doctor Quartz), and appeared in three short stories and two novels and short story collections from 1914 to 1919, beginning with “That Man Crew” (The Cavalier, Jan. 24, 1914). 

Crewe is “The Two-Faced Man.” 

He is in his forties and has gray hair and a “sharply cut and handsome profile—until one caught a view of the other side of his face and saw the almost hideous blemish that nearly covered it, and which graduated in corrugated irregularity from a delicate pink to repulsive purple.” 

Crewe is two-faced in another way. Crewe is a saloon owner in below Washington Square. But he has another identity: Birge Moreau, portraitist and socialite hanger-on. Crewe uses both his identities to solve crimes as an amateur detective.

The only person to know about both of Crewe’s identities is a police inspector who is also Crewe’s friend and who Crewe helps in pressing cases - The Encyclopedia of Pulp Heores by Jess Nevins

And speaking of obvious picks for Supervillains turned Pulp Heroes,

Assuming I even need to make a case for Kraven the Hunter other than just presenting this cropped panel from Squirrel Girl and in particular the art painted on the Kra-Van, or even just telling you to read Squirrel Girl and it’s take on “The Unhuntable Sergei” (I had no idea most of the people saying “Kraven’s arc in Squirrel Girl is as good if not better than Kraven’s Last Hunt” weren’t actually joking in the slightest and I speak as someone who has Kraven among their absolute favorite Marvel characters, it had no right being that good), I’m going to quote the brilliant Rogue’s Review from The Mindless Ones that lays down in painstaking detail why Kraven could make a killer protagonist in that horrifically over-the-top pulp fashion

One thing that strikes me writing this, is how well Kraven could hold his own comic. There’s always room for a book spotlighting a ruthless, hardcore, gentleman bastard, and Kraven’s raison d’etre makes him supremely versatile, so well suited to any genre, any environment. It’s odd that more writers haven’t jumped on the fact that in a universe where off-world travel is possible – indeed, common – a hunter like Kraven would have a field day. 

I can just imagine the opening scene – herds of weird cthuloid bat creatures grazing in the gloomy green nitrogen fields, bathed in lethal, bone splintering fog, when, suddenly, LIGHT! from above and an unholy bellowing: “CTHGRGN fthgrgnARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGN!”

They look up in fear and then they start to run – ploughing into and over each other, tentacles flailing, as from the space-ship’s docking bay Kraven silently plummets, barely dressed for the cold, a glowing knife smothered in elder signs jammed between his teeth. 

You should have seen him one night previous, sipping alien tokay around the Captain’s table with the other guests, discussing the morning’s hunt; and the way he insulted the Skrull dignitary by forgetting himself and accidentally sporting his favourite piece of formal wear: his boiling unstable dinner-jacket of many colours, fashioned from the hide of one of the Ambassador’s super kinsmen.

Whoops!

Midway through Kraven explaining how the best way to irreparably damage a symbiote is to wait until its bonded with you and then seriously maim yourself, the Skrull decided it might be a good idea to simmer down, while his beautiful Inhuman lover hung on every word.

The deeper I get into this the more convinced I am that the MU’s hunter-killer extraordinaire wouldn’t limit himself to bloody planet Earth. And neither would he limit himself to this dimension, or universe or timeline. The guy’d be just as at home leaping, sword raised, onto the back of a T-Rex in the Savage Land, as he would be ploughing through werewolves in the graveyards of Arkham or tracking a howling Demon across Mephistopheles’ realm. 

He’d work perfectly in all these environments because he has a damn good reason to be casting a bloody swathe through them: wherever there’s big game, you’ll find Kraven.

The next choice I guess is an oddball, but not that much of an oddball if you know already what is my main frame of reference towards Marvel

I don’t think people appreciate enough that the main reason Shuma-Gorath has anything resembling a fanbase has nothing whatsoever to do with the comics he was in, but entirely because, when Capcom designers had a list of Marvel characters to pick from to work on Marvel Super Heroes, they took a look at the diet Cthulhu and went “gimme THAT one”, and then went all-in in giving the alien squid monster a funky personality along with a great stage and music and animations and all that great fighting game character stuff, and now he’s maybe the most popular Dr Strange villain along with Dormammu and Mordo, despite having ZERO film appearences or major showings in comic sagas.

Capcom's designers redefined Shuma-Gorath from a nebulous cosmic evil into a comically smug cartoon bastard who can rant about devouring all dimensions and souls horrifically while also cracking poses and zingers like “How do you expect to win a fight with only two arms?” and having dinners with Dhalsim or hosting Japanese game shows in his endings, and it kills me that none of this ever made it’s way into any depictions of the character outside of MvC. 

So that’s kinda what I’d go with. I’d take Capcom’s Shuma-Gorath, depower him a bit obviously from his canonical power, and run with the premise of his MvC3 ending where he decides that, well, if he's the unlikely savior of this pathetic planet and these wretched human dogs like him so much, and he’s clearly having a much better time here among them than he ever had drifting among the stars cealessly consuming life, then maybe he can take a break from all that eldritch business and keep up hosting the Super Monster Awesome Hour and maybe fight whatever PITIFUL villains think can take HIS planet. I mean, he’ll probably still end up destroying the planet by the end, but why not give this hero business a try?

Just until he gets his full powers back of course. 

I mean you can’t deny he DOES look pretty good in that bowtie, surely The Great Shuma-Gorath wouldn’t be so unmerciful as to deny these vile wastes of flesh something good to look at in their brief and miserable lives.

[yostresswritinggirl]

Exiled States the Obvious Pt. 1

Warning: May contain spoilers, may not be 100% accurate, sick ramblings, may break your heart upon debunking common theories

Some canon notes I've noticed and analyzed, this will be placed here not just for safekeeping but for other writers to be known of them too :DD

From Venti's story I; it is said that as a loophole to being refused to be served alcohol because of his appearance, he 'drinks on the job', performing while drinking alcohol the audience gives him instead of Mora (his own suggestion)

Story IV offers some interesting details from Venti's story quest: First, Decarabian truly loved his people and believed that he had done good for them. Second is that Venti was supposed to gift his friend an eagle's feather but wasn't able to do so because he died.

Venti knows how to forge Rex Lapis' signature. Venti knows how to FORGE REX LAPIS' SIGNATURE.

It confuses me how Venti and Diluc doesn't have some kind of estranged relationship knowing how aristocracy/monarchy damaged freedom in Mondstadt.

Venti has been to Celestia and it apparently fucking sucks. That or Venessa told him about it, but it still SUCKS.

The Anemo Archon can and will strip you just to protect his identity/secrets/past. Ask Mona.

Albedo and Klee in his trailer, we can consider this canon: Babysitting Klee includes fucking battles. Best big brother.

The way Venti talks about Albedo speaks of [How Earth is a thing in Space] [Creation of Human Life through Earth] which are direct points to God's (biblical) creation of the universe and humans. With the dialogue, Venti recognizes Albedo has Godly powers that can create such miracles, take this line with a pinch of salt tho.

A connection: The real reason Zhongli does not carry nor care about prices is because of his trailer, THE FUNERAL PARLOR LITERALLY CARRIES ALL HIS EXPENSES

Hu Tao's existence proves that Xiao has a sense of humor and it is MORE THAN LIKELY that the adepti knows and can casually smile or laugh.

This piece of work exists: "Sigils of Permission were once created by Rex Lapis and infused with adeptal power. During the Archon War, such talismans were used by mortals to channel divine power. Now, most of its power has worn off, but adepti will still refrain from harming its holder."

Xiao is actually less hostile/asshole-y in the Chinese version than the English one and should be taken as canon since, well, Mihoyo is a Chinese company. Lots of dialogues or voiceline connotations are lost in translation.

Zhongli's retirement scenario does NOT mean that the adepti will not be needed or will also retire (looking at you Keqing) because as proven by the fight, the adepti are still in need of protecting mankind.

The Qixing and Adepti all know he is not dead, stating he gave hints that he hasn't really died to them.

A huge possibility that Zhongli recites this line whenever he finishes or fulfills a contract: "The contract is fulfilled. That which thou seeketh is now bestowed unto thee, for my promise is solid as stone."

If his words from the cool trailer is to be taken into heart, then Zhongli had long since cared for and protected humans, during the archon war.

Zhongli is not a MORTAL FUNERAL man, he is an ADEPTI FUNERAL man.

This broke God has the AUDACITY to go to operas, and not just any operas no no, "operas by the most celebrated performers."

He does not know shit about poverty because he doesn't know what it's like to be poor. He doesn't need to eat.

Besides the usual, he has more titles, some which are pretty funny: God of History, God of Stove. Liyueans(?) call him Rex Lapis, outside of his nation everyone calls him Morax. And in operas and children, he's more known as the War God.

Zhongli is very likely to cause divine intervention or sightings because a lot of stories and tales in Liyue about him are actually first-hand experience of accounts seeing the God himself.

Wrath of the Rock does not only mean Zhongli smacking asses with a laddle: Qixing of Liyue are officially responsible of punishing contract breakers.

Ningguang's role holds the big bad book of laws, with a whooping page count of 279.

This infomation is mostly for me to clarify Rex Lapis standing in the Seven: He is the first to ascend into Archon-hood, the one out of two remaining of the original Seven (Barbatos is second longest) and that besides him and Venti, the original Seven would also gather for wine in Liyue until they all left Archon-hood.

Zhongli really fuckin did a pest termination arc.

I repeat, ZHONGLI DOES NOT HATE SEAFOOD. To clarify, he hates TENTACLED seafood/cuisines. He can eat seafood tofu, happily.

It's so funny how the concept of "equivalent exchange" exists and is exercised in contracts, but not in a more dangerous aspect such as a l c h e m y.

The reason Jean is working as an Acting Grand Master is because the actual Grand Master is out on an expedition.

It is not normal for the Harbingers to be like Childe.

While battles and sparring is one of Childe's most usual traits, a lot of his character lines point to the fact that he's not outright looking for beating people up 24/7 and that his thirst can also be quenched by thrill or excitement.

General ones:

The other five archons do not uphold/focus on the duty of leading humanity, which was the prior responsibility of the original Seven.

I just realized the Archon War was literally about fighting to get a seat on the Seven. The way Archons are chosen are a mystery, just look at how Venti got his Archon-hood smh.

A pattern that we should consider but may be debunked in the future: A playable character MUST posses a visible Vision. So bye Scaramouche banner :')) pls debunk this Mihoyo

With Morax being unable to make Mora, economy is gonna be wack in Teyvat. In essence, every piece of Mora is valuable and will need to be circulated. Nations may fight to hold the most Mora and the one leading and already found a work around on this is actually the Tsaritsa, who has long since focused on economic power. This may not be coincidence.

Characters who are CANONICALLY good with children, to an extent: Ningguang, Beidou, Xiangling, Baizhu, Albedo, Jean, Childe, Ganyu, Xiao, Lisa. Italicized ones are the to an extent ones.

The Fatui has connections with Mondstadt, mainly the Ordo Favonius.

200 years ago sure is an oddly specific duration in Lisa's story and this might be expanded in the Sumeru chapter.

A clarification to a subtly known fact : It is the combined power of all the adepti that revived Qiqi, not just Xiao.

WILD CARD

Almond Tofu is NOT made of tofu. And in original Chinese recipes, it's not even fuckin Almond, it's goddamn Apricot seeds. But in Genshin it is canon Almond.

Tag lists for my homies that I want to share this with. Tagging other authors or lore enthusiasts are also greatly appreciated:

@heiayen @dandelion-dreams @karemelle @jrnightingale @galassyalex @boxofteenageideas @chels-void @starconch @worldsfool

PS I'm sorry for suddenly tagging you guys, I just thought it would be nice to share these with some authors that I know or have seen me, please tell me if you want to be removed, s-sorry in advance 👉👈

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Tanagaar the Aurulant Eye

Lawful Good Empyreal Lord of Night, Owls, and Watchfulness

Domains: Animal, Darkness, Good, Law Subdomains: Archon, Feather, Moon, Night

Chronicles of Righteousness, pg. 25

Obedience: Find and observe a mouse or rat from no more than 30 feet away. Continue watching the mouse, unseen, for 100 breaths. Catch the mouse and release it in an area where owls hunt. Benefit: Gain a +4 sacred bonus on saving throws against effects that would hinder your sight or hearing.

Oh my god

After all these years, after all this searching, we’ve finally found it. We’ve found an Obedience that justifies carrying around a Sack Of Rats! It’s a miracle!

Anyway, this Obedience is ironically somewhat difficult to perform if your DM is being a stickler about it. Note that you not only have to find a rat--which means if you’re using a Sack Of Rats, you have to release it and then relocate it--but you have to watch it while being unseen. While one may assume that “unseen” simply applies to the rodent in question, the linguistic gymnastics we tend to pull here at Monsters Down The Path LLC to cheese Obediences sometimes works against us, and in this case “unseen” may not simply apply to your prey, but anyone. If your DM applies this additional stipulation, I hope you’ve got a good Stealth mod! And a good excuse about your weird behavior.

While Tanagaar isn’t exactly an evil guy, he’s not especially well-known, and your weird prowling may get some raised eyebrows. The good news is that as a Lawful Good deity (and an Archon at that), the number of times you’re likely to be sent into Evil territory to subtly work among them is 0, reducing your chances of needing actual excuses about why you’re skulking around like a cat. If, for whatever reason, you want to keep your worship of the Aurulant Eye under wraps, simply being a catfolk, kobold, or goblin is a good enough excuse.

Next comes catching the vermin and releasing it in an area where owls hunt. Simple enough in almost any environment but a desolate stretch of empty desert, winter wasteland, or subterranean cavern, as owls are very widespread, to the point that this Obedience could simply say “release it into the wild.” The biggest problem is refreshing your rodent stock, an issue that goes largely unaddressed in other Sack Of Rats Obediences because those usually require the death of any small critter, and this one specifically requires rodents. Better take up rat catching as a hobby or frequent the local pet store, I guess!

The benefit is more amazing than it looks at first glance, because Monsters Down The Path LLC’s patented Linguistic Gymnastics is here to point out that any effect which could impair your sight or hearing is blocked, even if that effect is SECONDARY, such as against powerful spells like Sunburst or against afflictions like Blinding Disease. Having your senses stripped from you is always bad, even for a short time, but the fact this benefit applies to “any effect” that would “hinder” your sight or hearing means it works on everything from having dust blow in your eyes to an enemy’s Greater Shout, and it can potentially give you an edge against dozens or hundreds of other effects which tack on sensory abuse as a bonus effect, making it a fantastic bonus at all levels. It even applies to EVERY saving throw instead of just Fortitude!

Boons are gained slowly, typically achieved once you reach 12, 16, and 20 Hit Dice. Followers of the Empyreal Lords, however, can enter the Mystery Cultist Prestige Class at level 8, which grants them their Boons much quicker! Entered as early as possible, you gain the Boons at levels 10, 13, and 16 instead. Mystery Cultists MUST take the Celestial Obedience feat, NOT Deific Obedience.

Empyreal Lords do not grant the typical Evangelist/Exalted/Sentinel spread (and cannot enter those classes), instead having only one set of Boons granted to their followers regardless of their class.

Boon 1: Forest Dweller. Gain Calm Animals 3/day, Eagle Eye2/day, or Deeper Darkness 1/day.

Oh, interesting! Never seen Eagle Eye here before, and it’s actually a good spell! ... sort of. It creates a magical sensor above you, upwards to 400ft+40ft/lvl, from which you can see as though you were there and rotate your viewpoint around freely. It’s more or less to give one a birds-eye view of a battlefield, akin to someone playing an RTS with an over-the-field viewpoint to make commanding armies easier, though the birds-eye view is also very, very useful for spotting threats to a small group of people (such as the party) that they cannot see from the horizontal plane.

Also, needless to say, but having a safe way to see the surrounding terrain from several hundred feet above it can make navigating towards a destination or landmark much easier. With a 1 min/lvl duration and 2/day availability, you can be the party’s aerial lookout without ever actually leaving the ground and putting yourself in danger, and the sensor itself is invisible as well if you fear flying enemies. Eagle Eyes isn’t useful at all inside enclosed environments, and in fact cannot be used to spy into the floors above you unless you have line of effect, but if you want to peel inside, say, the Evil Wizard Tower without alerting them via the use of a familiar or similar, go crazy.

Calm Animals causes up to 2d4+CL HD worth of animals to become docile and harmless for its duration, but for it to actually work on a group of animals, they all must be roughly the same type (i.e. a pack of wolves) and cannot be further than 30ft apart. This isn’t really a problem, as using it on a bunch of angry animals usually means you’re hitting a pack of scavengers or predators you’ve angered, and its generous scaling means that it’ll be useful at all levels of the game whether you need to slow down a charging pack of raptors or just one big T. Rex--wait a T. Rex has how many hit dice? well, scratch that particular idea I guess. unless you get lucky with your 2d4 roll. Still useful. The big problem is that it’s completely useless against anything that’s not an Animal, and if an Animal suddenly receives the gift of sapience--even temporarily--the spell has no effect on them. That makes this spell useful for traveling through the wilds (or, rarely, stopping the charge of an enemy warhorse), but not for much else.

Which leaves Deeper Darkness, the spell which hammers your party just as hard as it does an enemy. Creating a 60ft sphere of absolute black can send chaos through the ranks of more or less any foe, because if the area was already low or dim light it becomes supernaturally pitch that not even darkvision can pierce it! Not even yours. Cutting off your party’s ability to see is just as crippling for them as it is your enemy, so be sure to have some method to actually take advantage of the shroud or you’ll end up swinging at empty air or, worse, swing at allies. While it’s good for making an escape, Obscuring Fog is way better, way cheaper, and doesn’t take away your magical flexibility.

Boon 2: Owl's Eye. You gain darkvision out to a range of 60 feet. If you already have darkvision, increase its range by an additional 60 feet.

Wow! Boring! But useful for more or less everyone, since not needing torches or a light source when skulking around in the dark or keeping night watch makes it less likely you’re spotted by some prowling predator or sadistic dungeon-dweller, but it’s noting spectacular or even particularly noteworthy. I appreciate that Tanagaar extends existing darkvision outwards, but it’s rare you’ll actually need more than 60 feet unless you’re actually adventuring in an open area after dark.

It’s a decent Boon, but it’s also insultingly easy to replicate with existing spells or cheap items (such as a Wand or Potion of Darkvision), making its impact a little hard to appreciate.

Boon 3: Hunter's Edge. You gain Sneak Attack +3d6. This increase to Sneak Attack damage stacks with Sneak Attack damage you may have from other sources. Whenever you deal Sneak Attack damage with a piercing weapon, you deal +2 points of damage per Sneak Attack die.

huh hey that’s pretty good

hey aren’t you supposed to be Lawful, Tanagaar? Not that I don’t appreciate a little bit of pragmatism among the forces of Good, but stabbing someone in the kidney from behind seems kinda underhanded, doesn’t it? Then again, so does summoning flocks of owls to gouge out enemy eyes or appearing before them as a terrifying phantasm to gently coerce them into surrender. Even Law knows when it needs to fight dirty, I suppose.

Not that you HAVE to, mind; with how easy it is to set up a Sneak Attack (you literally just have to be flanking), you don’t have to be particularly sneaky. Just standing across from an ally and stabbing someone in the throat when they turn away from a brief second deals +3d6 damage to them, which is already good before you take into account that, actually, it’s 3d6+6 because Tanagaar superdupercharges your Sneak Attacks with +2 damage per die! Even NOT having SA to begin with is still adding a flat +6 damage to your attacks that stacks with all your other damage modifiers, but having SA available beforehand--such as by being a Rogue, a Ninja, a Slayer, or one of the rare archetypes to hand it out--is especially viable because Hunter’s Edge stacks with ALL other sources. Have +5d6 from your class already? Now it’s 8d6+16 damage.

It’s even tastier if used on a ranged weapon, but make no mistake, it’s still pretty damn nice just at its base regardless of your build... unless you’re a Mystery Cultist, which is aimed mostly at casting and doesn’t get anything particularly martial-aligned until later levels. Classing into Mystery Cultist also means that your Sneak Attack is unlikely to be at all impressive (you may reach 6d6, but certainly not the impressive 8d6 I proposed), but the only other option is waiting for this ability to kick in at level 20, which is simply unacceptable. Aside from that, the only real problem I have with this ability is that it specifically works with piercing weapons... and since Tanagaar’s holy weapon is the kukri, you actually miss this Boon entirely if you stick only to his weapon of choice, and your god actively discouraging you from using any of their sacred aspects isn’t a good look for anyone!

You can read more about him here.

[sparklinpixiedust]

Basic Training

This post has been sitting in my drafts for months now, during which I've come up with a few ways I wanted to write this post. This is what I've come up with.

Basic Training is the episode which made me hate Ben the most. The whole episode consisted him of being a stuck up brat only to be rewarded for it in the end.

This episode was the perfect opportunity to have Kevin in the spotlight and show how skilled and smart he is.

Gwen's presence in this episode was actually fine, there's no change needed for that.

Look, I know the shows named Ben 10 but we have seen Ben be the hero tons of times already.

And Ben being egoistic about his heroism is not something new in the franchise.

There have been episodes on the OS where Ben got a big head, yet I dont ever see anyone complaining about that.

Was is it because he was 10 that we excuse this behaviour? Nope.

15 - 16 is still pretty young and his attitude can be excused at this age as well.

My opinion? It was handled better in the OS.

There were times when Ben wasn't always the main focus.

In Lucky Girl, Ben has his ' who's your hero?' Moment.

They showed Gwen feeling jealous and hurt by the fact she wasn't noticed much.

It was realistic.

Then the epsiode proceeded to focus on Gwen , having Ben being kind of like a sub plot to the story.

Towards the end Ben compliments her.

So yeah Ben got big head, but at the same time they shifted focus so that the audience wouldn't find it annoying.

Gwen was in the spotlight for a bit, giving people a break from Ben.

Secondly  , in Be Afraid Of The Dark, Ben again is shown to be slightly stuck up, but towards the end of that episode he learns and acknowledges Gwen and Grandpa for help and understands his crime fighting is more of a team effort.

In Galactic Enforcers, we are shown there are other heros besides Ben as well.

Ben wasn't the sole focus of that episode. Yes it was about him but also about the Galactic Enforcers.

I don't think he was shown to be over confident here , but it was nice to see some other heros in the scene.

The Ben 10,000 episode focuses on how Ben was too focused on his job and the lesson at that was Ben needed to relax and have them Galactic Enforcers take the lead instead.

Again , his attitude towards everything was brought in focus but towards the end he learnt something.

I recently started watching Generator Rex and I can't help but compare Rex's character to Ben's.

Rex is also proud , rushes into things and considers himself to be a hotshot. But they also show him being down ,having trouble with his nanites and actually voice out his insecurities.

He's still the hero, still has things go his way most times but it's not annoying like Ben.

( I've only seen like 7 episodes so far so I don't know if this going to go down hil or not but so far so good)

The issue with the sequels after the OS was that Ben was the focus a bit too much.

We as the audience were rarely ever given a break from him.

Other than a few conversations here and there about his attitude,  nothing really was done about it.

Gwen should've been appreciated more for saving Kevin and Kevin should've been appreciated for stopping Aggregor.

But they weren't.

If it had been Ben , they would've made sure to show him getting some sort of recognition or trophy.

Back to the Basic Training episode.

We know he's the legendary Ben Tennyson, we know he's a hero. We didn't need another episode on it.

Instead the plot should've focused on Kevin. His skills, his abilities.

Ben would act the same but Magsiter Hulka should've put some sort of cover so Ben couldn't use the omnitrix.

Ben goes on breaking rules,  and having a hard time being a hero without the watch.

Towards the end, it should've been Kevin who cracks the case and saves Hulka. Ben is mad he can't use the omnitrix but instead uses the guns and other weapons he's learnt to use at the academy

He's not amazing at them , but it makes him realise that he is hero , watch or not, something that has been emphasised in the show. Its not impossible for him to function without the watch.

Towards the end, Ben getting a 95 was a stretch. I'm sorry , but the guy wasn't great with using weapons and without the watch I dont think he would've been able to complete that hostage excercise.

I'm thinking more like 89%.

Gwen gets 98, that's fine and Kevin gets a 100.

Hulka comes in and awards the medal (?) to Kevin, suggesting he's becoming more like his father.

( im ignoring the ret con, plus the retcon I'm assuming wasnt thought off at this point by the writers)

Ben is shown to take one of the guns back to earth, because he thinks they're cool and he wants to practice and get better at them.

The whole hostage situation makes him want to get better at making strategies.

Yes he's good at improv, but he needs to learn to properly plan as well.

It doesn't matter if he's never shown to use the gun ever again, and he's back to relying on the omnitrix.

Or maybe some time down the line, he could use the weapon, even if it for a second, to show that he is improving and getting better.

Before you say 'he's already a hero, he doesn't need to learn anything ' sorry but no.

He's 16. He may have saved the world but he still has growing up to do. Different battles are going to arise all the time.

Saying he is perfect at 16 is dumb. Saying he's perfect when he's ben 10k , it'll make some sense. He's been around for a while and is pretty experienced.

The watch is a part of him, but seeing him try to explore other options would've been a fresher idea.

Another scene that made me mad was the court (?) scene in Vreedle, Vreedle.

Ben being a hero shouldn't make him above the law.

Domstol ruling in favor of Ben just because he's the legendry Ben Tennyson was stupid.

After Ben's little monologue , and destroying Domstols desk, the judge should've just informed him that being a hero does not excuse him from following the law.

Kevin could've had his little moment doing some negotiation ( would've been nice to see how he works as con artist) and Ben could've jumped in and helped while making some good points for the argument, showing us he's not stupid.

Then having Domstol rule in their favor would've made sense.

On the way back to earth there could've been a joke about how Ben watches Judge Judy too much which is where he learnt about trials and stuff. Or maybe Gwens dad taught him a thing or two at some point.

All this doesn't mess with Ben's character all that much, he's still the hero of the show, he still has his ego but it makes him more likeable, shifts focus from his attitude, and shows us he's pretty smart and is growing into a good hero.

Ben's not a bad guy. I mean he is the hero of the show. There are tons of scenes which show he's good , like the whole sacrificing thing so the ultimates could live and all.

But little scenes here and there tend to be enough for someone , especially for someone who isn't a super hard-core Ben lover to form negative opinions on him.

Although calling him a psychopath / narc is out of line because I don't find him to be like that. His attitude was magnified by him being in the spotlight too much and writers not having a good balance in writing situations.

Ben being the main character of the show is at risk of becoming hated or less appreciated just because he's the font runner of the show.

Admit it, side characters tend to get more love most times than the main agonist of shows.

I've been watching videos on YouTube on this topic as to why this happens , and what I've come up with is that writers of shows tend to focus too much on main character. Things seem to go their way most times and this tends to get on peoples nerves, consciously or subconsciously because it's not exactly realistic.

Having shows where everything focuses on one person most times tend to backfire.

I don't mind Ben having a big head, I dont mind him making jokes and being so casual.

It's his defense mechanism to protect himself from drowning into the struggles and pressures of being a hero. But always having him be that way isn't good.

The writers should've executed it properly.

( okay this post got really long,  more than I thought it would. If you're read the whole things , congratulations on making it here lol.

I'm not going to stop anyone from replying to this because everyone has different opinions and we all have the freedom to express them.

Although I believe I've made my point and I've made sure to keep in mind all the arguments about why bashing Ben is wrong when he's not a bad guy while typing this out.

I don't think I've directed any major hate towards him , its mostly towards the writers for making the situations like that,but if you think I have you can reply to it.

I'm not gonna reply back though , because again I feel I've made my point.

Any agreements / disagreements you have with the post feel free to share because it is your right.

Any disagreements you have with other members,  as long as its related to the post you can share it.

Any issues you have personally with other members,  please keep them to your selves.

I will not tolerate bullying , harassing,  name calling and petty arguments on my post and blog page.

If this happens I will simply delete this post and re-upload it.)

[blackaquokat]

The Song You Might Have Been (Chapter 2)

Link to Chapter 1

A/N: Fun fact, Legal Eagle used to be slang for “lawyer,” hence the DA’s nickname. 

You will also notice, this chapter, that I am taking blatant inspiration for a subplot from Shawshank Redemption. Because it is absolutely something my DA would do. And also, there is a scene here that I once wrote in response to a prompt. 

Anyway, thanks for the feedback so far, everyone! I appreciate it so much! 

Enjoy!

--

Apparently Yancy has set up a guard rotation for you at mealtimes in collaboration with his nightly watch. 

Today, instead of Jimmy the Pickle, a slim bearded man who introduces himself as Sparkles McGee (you’re curious about the story behind that nickname) joins you at your table. He’s a little more chatty than Jimmy was, constantly going on about the local prison gossip. Who is sleeping with who, which jobs are preferable, upcoming birthdays of inmates and guards. He doesn’t seem to expect any kind of response from you, which works out just fine, because you have nothing to contribute. This might be handy information to have in the future anyway.

When it’s yard time again, however, Sparkles splits off to his group of inmates at the corner. Just as you’re about to go spend another hour lost in thought or maybe doing some exercises, Sparkles comes back and drags you to his posse. 

He introduces them one by one: a young woman who looks simultaneously bored and ready to kill, “Tiny”; a younger man with a hisp of a goatee and mustache, “Bam-Bam”; a pale, lanky man with gears tattooed to his temple, “Heap-Ass”; and a larger bald man, “Shithole Hank.” The last one is apparently the man to go to for hooch wine, and every time you’re offered a sip, you make a hard pass. Your excuse is a preference for whiskey or lime and gin. In reality, you just haven’t gotten desperate enough for alcohol to drink it out of a toilet.

Once the introductions are made, you once again just sit back and listen as the crew converses amongst one another. With the amount of gossip you catch during that time, you manage to construct imaginary cases in your head where this evidence is used in support of various litigation lawsuits.

It’s a real eye-opener for you, how little of a life you had outside of work that this is the most you can come up with to occupy yourself outside of reading a book.

Speaking of…

“Is there a library here?” you ask during a short lull in the conversation.

The group blinks at you in sync. 

“Um.” Bam-Bam shakes his head. “There’s a book cart with a small selection, and a room about the size of a closet, but that’s about it.”

Your brow furrows. “Is this another case of Warden Murder-Slaughter’s ‘rehabilitation over punishment’ slogan falling flat on its face?”

Tiny snorts. Sparkles shrugs.  An idea forms in your mind.

“Um…” Shithole Hank leans towards Sparkles. “Should we be worried about that look in their eye?”

“Only if it gets us in trouble.”

You decide to ignore that exchange. “Would you guys like to have a proper library?”

This draws some intrigue from your companions. Tiny in particular looks interested in this proposal. 

“How the hell would you manage that?” Sparkles demands.

You cross your arms and try for a confident smile. “You don’t go through years of law school without learning how to figure out contracts and loopholes. If I can talk with the warden, I’d like to at least see what I can do.”

You cut off when you see the group staring behind you with wide eyes. You turn heel to see one of the guards looking you up and down. Rex, your mind supplies. This is Rex. 

“If you want the Warden,” Rex growls, “I can take you to him. But you gotta do something for me first.”

Shit.

----

“What do you mean youse done talked with the Warden?” Yancy demands when you stroll into the cell that evening.

“I wanted to ask him what steps I needed to take to get a bigger library implemented here,” you respond with absolutely no shame whatsoever. 

The meeting went surprisingly well. You’ve got a rough idea of how to go about this, now that you know what the problems are. Even better, you actually did find a copy of Murder on the Orient Express on the cart, so a double-win for the day. You crawl on top of the bedsheets and crack the novel open.

Yancy leaps down from the bunk and glares down at you. “And youse didn’t think to inform me of this plan of youse’s?”

You lift your brow without looking away from the book. “I didn’t think you’d be opposed to the idea of making your home a little more homey by having a more updated collection of books.”

“Of course not--”

“Then what’s the problem?” 

There’s a huff and a growl before Yancy climbs back into his bunk and falls into it more aggressively than necessary. You think that’s the end of it until his head pops down. “What makes you think youse can just waltz into here and demand youse’s luxuries?!”

Ah. Okay, you see where he’s coming from. 

You shut your book and set it down. “Look, I know I’m a prosecution lawyer, but I’m not completely heartless. Yes, I would like a larger collection of books, but don’t the rest of you want more to read too? You look like you’ve been here long enough to read all of those three times. I mean, Rex brought me to the warden in the first place just because he wants a better poetry collection to pick from. He asked for specific authors and poets.”

Yancy does not deny this. 

You continue, “Besides, just because you’re in prison doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to expand your horizons, literature-wise that is. I know books helped me growing up, imagine what they’ll mean to everyone in here.”

Yancy continues to stare at you, utterly baffled. “Youse quite the enigma, Eagle.”

“For...what? Caring?”

He shrugs. A weird sight to watch from someone who’s upside down. “Not for caring, per se. But more...the ‘doing’ part.” He disappears into his bunk again. “Here’s hopin’ it won’t be for nothin’.”

“What do you mean?”

“You think youse the first person to ask for more books, Eagle? There’s a reason that collection hasna been updated since the war. Nobody’s seen it through to the end. They gets discouraged.”

You purse your lips, fingers tapping against your book. “I would think you’d have realized from my reputation. I don’t quit.”

There’s a chuckle above you. A genuine one. “That’s what I’m countin’ on, Eagle.”

---

Yancy is right. There’s a reason the collection has barely grown since the prison opened up.

No one on the outside wants to fund the damn thing. 

That doesn’t stop you. You start writing letter after letter after letter to the state legislature asking (demanding and borderline threatening, really) for the funds needed to make a bigger library. Thanks to your work in the government, and after a quick phone call to Damien to confirm (while he also updates you on the progress on your case), you know exactly who to contact. It gives you something to do. Something really meaningful. It helps to pass the time and helps to keep from feeling helpless about your own situation. 

It also gets you a whole different kind of attention from the inmates.

After Week Two of your letter campaign, Tiny speaks up. You’ve started sitting with Yancy’s posse since they adopted you into their group outside of protection detail. “You really think you can get a library here?”

Seeing as Tiny has barely made a sound in your presence before, this takes you completely by surprise. As well as the rest of the table. You recover quickly. “That’s...what I’m hoping for.”

Tiny’s head ducks, her fingers tapping against one another. “Um...if you do…”

“Yeah?”

“Can we make requests?” she eventually blurts out. “For books we’d like? I mean, do you think we could get children’s books?”

You put down your fork and offer her your full attention. “Did you have a specific one in mind?”

“The Velveteen Rabbit.” Tiny tugs at her braid. “My grandmother used to read it to me.”

You’re overwhelmed with the sudden urge to protect Tiny with your life. Even if you’re pretty sure Tiny has killed at least three people since she was imprisoned and could absolutely kill you if she wanted to. “If that book isn’t included in any delivery we’re given, I will annoy the legislature until they do. Sound good?”

Tiny smiles at you. A small, genuine one. It renews your motivation and you end up writing two letters that evening, in preparation for the next time mail comes along. Next thing you know, other inmates (and even a few guards aside from Rex, much to your surprise) have requests for books they would like available.

Oddly enough, it’s the letter writing and the book requests that finally drive you to ask Yancy how you go about ordering contraband.

“What the hell do youse need contraband for?” He’s sitting cross-legged in the top bunk while you’re trying to draft your next letter on the slab sticking out from the opposite wall.

You hold up the golf pencil you’re using with frustration. “Because these are driving me up the wall. They are terrible. And the quality of the paper here is a nightmare too, it smudges way too easily.”

“So what? Youse want pen and paper?”

Your brow lifts. “That not a lethal enough order?”

Yancy’s smile is borderline feral in its delight. “Youse a lot more interesting than I thought you’d be, Eagle. The guy to go to is Heap-Ass. He’ll get you anything you want. For a price.”

You really don’t like that tone of his. “And? What’s the price?”

“Depends.”

“I don’t do sex favors. Or assassinations.”

“Nah, he’s not that twisted. It’ll either be a chore switch or cigarette packs, somethings in that nature, you know?”

You twirl your terrible pencil between your fingers, feeling a little more hopeful. “That I can definitely handle.”

---

You’ve always known, on an intellectual, common sense level, that prison brutality is absolutely a problem. It’s something you learned in law school from the professors who cared about teaching the kind of scenes law students would actually have to address in their lines of work.

It’s an entirely other experience to watch a rookie guard get too into his job and beat the shit out of a prisoner whose only crime was walking a little too close to the bastard.

Your gut instinct is to run forward and help, somehow. A stupid instinct that would have gotten you killed or at least tossed into the infirmary on a permanent basis had Yancy not grabbed your arm to stop you.

“Hold up there, Eagle.” He pulls you back, a glare fixed on the brutal scene before you. “No need for two of ours to ends up with broken wings, youse hear me?” 

You swallow back your righteous anger and force yourself to calm down. It’s not right, it’s not right, and the justice lawyer inside of you is itching to make it right somehow–-

Yancy must see your conflict and anger. He puts a hand on your shoulder and mutters into your ear, “No worries. Me and the others ain’t gonna let this stand. We’ve got our own system in place here.”

That night, you pretend to be asleep when you hear that rookie guard scream for help. You don’t look to see what happens, who does it, or how, and the next day, when the warden summons you to ask if you know anything to explain why the guard’s body was found in the laundry room, you tell him as much.

When you see Yancy later, he seems almost impressed at your lackadaisical reaction to what took place. “Thought you were all about the law, Eagle?”

You lean on the wall next to him and look out across the yard, watching the other inmates mingle together. “In the absence of the law, I’ll take what justice I can get.”

You can almost feel Yancy’s approval. “I can appreciate that.”

--

Link to Chapter 3 here!

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[vince-thrilligan]

Rhea Seehorn: Who is Kim Wexler?

“I saw that something was eroding in Kim for multiple seasons.”

Awards Focus: In the season four finale, Kim was stunned when Jimmy revealed his emotional speech to get his law license reinstated was just a performance. She’s left standing in the hall as he races off to change his name to Saul Goodman.

This year, it’s Kim’s turn to leave Jimmy on his heels. Were you shocked when she left her work on Mesa Verde and subsequently started brainstorming about decimating Howard’s career to get Jimmy his Sandpiper case money?

Rhea Seehorn: Well, to be fair, it is a series of decisions. I saw that something was eroding in Kim for multiple seasons. And what I appreciate about our series, like Vince (Gilligan) and Peter (Gould) did with Breaking Bad, it’s about incremental decisions that these people are making. They’re unaware that they’re falling off a complete cliff. I didn’t know what that final scene was going to be. But I took every step that was handed to me with the information she had presently and played that scene.

AF: You’ve said you’ve seen erosion going on in Kim, can you speak more to that?

Seehorn: The beauty of the show is that these characters are so affected by their past, not only by the events we’ve seen on the series but even before that. From the beginning of the series there was something about Kim’s stillness and her need for control and to right every ship. When I looked at that, I asked “What are you trying to get away from?” or “What are you suppressing that’s so chaotic that you need to make sure that everything is steady all the time?” Those questions spoke to me about the changes we’re seeing in the latter half of this season.

AF: So there’s a potential “Slippin’ Kimmy” underneath the Kim we’ve come to know?

Seehorn: About halfway through the season, Peter (Gould) said that he and the writers started thinking about the masks we all wear and what’s behind Kim’s mask. I will be very interested to see if she follows through with the decimation of Howard Hamlin and can she stomach those actions? Is she a person now who doesn’t even have a conscience? When she shoots the finger guns at Jimmy, there’s a menacing undertone that certainly concerns him.

AF:  There’s so many telling moments about Kim’s character. The moment when she and Jimmy are throwing the beer bottles off the roof, but Kim cleans up the glass the next morning. If Kim does goes through with this plan for Howard, do you think she would follow suit in some sort of attempt to clean up that mess as well?

Seehorn: That’s a good question. If Kim goes through with her plan, there may no way for Howard to recover. Michael Morris directed those beer bottle scenes, I love how they tie the episodes together. The first one where Kim had some animosity about her saying the name Saul Goodman and then when they’re tossing the bottles together it’s a bonding moment.

AF:  Bob (Odenkirk) has spoken about living with Patrick (Fabian) and yourself in Albuquerque. Can you give our audience a look into the behind the scenes life during production?

Seehorn: The three of us have been living together for the last two years and prior to that Bob and Patrick lived together for a season without me. Frankly, I wish we’d been doing it the whole time. It’s so helpful because the scripts are so dense and complex and you’re always wishing you had more time to play with them and find new things.

AF: As you’ve pointed out, the scripts are often dense. When you have a dialogue heavy episode, how much of that preparation is just getting a grasp on the material?

Seehorn: A lot of it. Jonathan Banks and I laugh because we have the same philosophy. If you think you’re off book, then you need to ask yourself, “Are you off book riding a bike? Are you off book standing on your head? Are you off book swimming in the ocean?”

You think you know your lines and then as soon as you’re asked to do something, or you try blocking, or your scene partner decides to do whatever they’re going to do, the words start to slip away from you. There’s just no time for that with our shooting schedule, not if you want to bring your A-game.

AF: Is there a general time set aside for working through the scripts at the house?

Seehorn: If you’re having a cup of coffee in the main kitchen, you’re gonna get asked to read lines. You basically need to hide in your room if you don’t want to run lines, because if you are seen or visible anywhere in the house, you’re going to get asked. And we run lines that are not our scenes too. Like if Howard has a scene with someone else, then I’ll be whoever he’s talking to and it’s great.

AF:  The scenes between Lalo (Tony Dalton) and Kim are incredible this season.  Before we dive into specifics, talk about working with Tony and his presence as Lalo.

Seehorn: I mean, how great is Tony? What a find that Sherry Thomas and Sharon Bialy brought to Vince and Peter. He’s so talented, but he’s also a very generous actor. It doesn’t matter if he’s not talking for the majority of the episode nine confrontation, he’s giving me so much in that scene once I’m toe-to-toe with him.

AF:  We saw a different Kim when she meets Lalo in jail. Can you talk about crafting that confrontation?

Seehorn: I spoke with Gordon Smith, who wrote episode eight, about the idea of when is Kim off her game? Because previously, we’d seen that she can fall apart in a stairwell or at home, but once she walks into a courtroom or a meeting, she suppresses all of that, and can be totally professional.

So, I went in there questioning “Do we think she can actually hold herself together right now?”  We decided that she probably hasn’t slept at all and she knows this is a very scary situation. She’s pretty sure that Jimmy is dead or dying in the desert right now and she can’t call the police and tell them what happened. So, she’s trying to get information from Lalo and she’s unsuccessful in that scene whereas in episode nine she is successful.

I like that Kim got two attempts to go at Lalo using intelligence and rhetoric. The second one in episode nine, written and directed by Tom Schnauz, was a monster of a scene and we knew it.

AF: What were some of the logistical considerations for the episode nine faceoff?

Seehorn: Tom came to Bob and Tony and I, and asked if we could rehearse it on set. It’s technically a difficult scene, I have the big monologue at the end, but Tony has to play a lot of different things as he’s reacting to what he’s hearing from Bob and then Kim.

For Bob, he has to repeat the same story but slightly differently, I think four times, which for an actor is very hard material to memorize because you lose track of where you are in the loop. Tom had written in purposeful nuances as Jimmy sort of devolves in his storytelling.

So we rehearsed it, and thankfully we made a lot of decisions with Marshall Adams (the director of photography) and our camera ops and lighting people. That allowed us to get ahead of the curve and give ourselves the hours that we had to shoot it instead of losing time on the technical aspects.

AF: At the beginning of that scene, you have to be very present for Bob and Tony, conveying that sense of dread and uncertainty that Kim feels. What’s going through her head there?

Seehorn: Kim is in survival mode for the first half of the scene. She’s very still, but she’s practical. I think she’s immediately thinking, “Could we jump from this balcony? Where are the knives in the house? Could Jimmy and I take him if we had to?” Eventually, she’s run out of options and is left with observing Jimmy and what unfolds in front of her.

AF: Kim knows that Jimmy is lying to Lalo and that Lalo either suspects it or knows it.

Seehorn: She knows there’s a secret involving the bullet hole in the mug, and that the secret is so great that Jimmy is literally crumbling in front of her and it needs to be protected at all cost for some reason.

AF: And then Kim steps up to the plate, which was the most harrowing moment of the season. Were you always meant to get so close to Tony, having Kim invade Lalo’s space like that?

Seehorn: Yeah, that was in the script. I spoke to Jennifer Bryan, who’s brilliant with our costumes, and I said, “Kim’s coming from work so she has her heels on… do you think we can get the shoes off in the scene?” I talked to Tom Schnauz about having Kim’s shoes off because I wanted to be even physically smaller than Lalo.

Kim switches to pragmatism in that moment, that’s her fight or flight. She wants to go toe-to-toe like she’s proving a case, finding the holes in Lalo’s story and sewing enough doubt that he backs down.

AF: Do you think Kim prepared her argument while she was sitting there, listening to Jimmy?

Seehorn: I talked to Tom about that, I don’t think she memorized this monologue while she was sitting there on the couch worried. I think she starts it and has to find it. So, we made sure we did a couple of runs at that, just letting me find it and letting me constantly control that lump in my throat because Kim can’t become hysterical.

If Lalo sees that she’s emotionally terrified or starts screaming or anything like, she loses all she has, which is trying to present a logical, forceful argument that he really has to consider. You see Lalo shush Kim earlier on the scene, so I think she’s pretty clear what the cartel would think of women screaming or crying.

AF: Prior to Lalo,  Kim’s biggest confrontation was with Mesa Verde client Kevin Wachtell (Rex Linn). The property tycoon was locking horns with Mr. Acker (Barry Corbin), an elderly home owner who refused to vacate his property.

Kim, feeling sympathetic to the man’s circumstances, recruits Jimmy to represent him — a move that nearly causes their relationship to implode. I don’t think anyone saw the idea for marriage coming, much less from Kim. What was your reaction to that?

Seehorn: That was something Bob and I worked extensively on, getting that moment to feel authentic. It’s also Kim accepting Jimmy for who he is, rough edges and all. In episode nine, Jimmy can’t accept Kim’s decision to quit Mesa Verde and she calls him out on it.  

AF:  Knowing what we know from Breaking Bad and now El Camino, there are very few living characters in the Gene timeline that could give fans a meaningful, full-circle conversation as the series closes. Would you agree with the argument that Kim is the obvious choice for the final conversation with the Gene?

Seehorn: Honestly, I didn’t know I’d be alive this long. If I attempt to take myself out of the equation, which is super hard as an actor, I think the writers are always going to reach for the smartest ending.

Is it the most satisfying storytelling with Kim there at the end? Or is it not? I do agree with you that as a fan I want some resolution regarding Gene. Will we only get one more scene at the beginning of season six, or will it be expanded throughout that season? There’s another question for you.

Part of AwardsFocus.com’s BCS interviews [x]

[hollenius]

Super long interview that I wanted to show a friend earlier but was unable to...so I am hiding it under the cut. Covers everything from Forrest Gump to the influence of television to rock critics never escaping their English Major roots.

Rock Criticism and the Rocker: A Conversation With Peter Buck

(originally appearing in Anthony DeCurtis, Rocking My Life Away, 1998)

IN SEPTEMBER 1994 R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck kindly took time off from promoting R.E.M.'s Monster to do an interview with Anthony DeCurtis, who wanted an artist's perspective on rock criticism.

"Peter was an ideal candidate for the job," DeCurtis wrote in his introduction to the interview, "both because R.E.M. is the very definition of a critics' darling and because he has a sharp critical sensibility himself. He keeps up with the music and with the writing about the music and loves to talk about both. In addition, I've known Peter since before the release of R.E.M.'s first independent single in 1981, and have always held his intelligence, humor and passion for music in the highest regard. It's a pleasure to have any excuse to speak with him."

Buck and DeCurtis met in the bar of the Four Seasons Hotel in Manhattan, drank a glass of wine or two and talked for about an hour. "This conversation proceeds the way so many of our talks have. It begins with a focus, wanders through a variety of related topics and eventually meanders back to our original subject. It was a fun trip, and I hope you didn't have to be there."

*

ADC: You read a lot of rock writing. It must be a different experience to read about yourself than it is to read about other bands or to read a review of somebody else's record. What's the difference between what you want to see when you're reading something about R.E.M. and what you want to see when you're reading about somebody else?

PB: I do read a lot of music stuff, and I always have – it's not simply because I’m "in the business." And of course I always like to read about people who say controversial things and admit to drug problems and ornate sexual peccadillos. That's what you want to read – it just is. It's fun and exciting – and it's the last thing I want to have anything to do with my band.

The English press, especially, is focused completely on the personal. With the English magazines, it seems that if you sit in a room and you just want to talk about the music, they'll find a way to make it not about the music. Maybe it's because the magazines come out every week and you have to appeal on a flash level. I mean, a lot of the English press are closer to the Enquirer than to The New York Times. So every three years you get this generation of English bands who make absolutely great copy, and maybe not necessarily such great records.

Of course, when I read about R.E.M., I always want the writer to be a seasoned, knowledgeable person who respects and loves us and gives us the benefit of the doubt every step of the way – which isn't really what rock criticism is about.

What do you think it is about? What do you think it can do? Is it different from other kinds of criticism, like movie reviews or a book reviews?

I think it's closer to movie reviews. With book reviews, most likely the writers aren't going to be much more literate than the readers. But the readers of rock criticism are definitely different. The person who reads Rolling Stone or Melody Maker isn't the person who reads The New York Times Book Review. I read them both, but I'm one person.

Rock & roll is first and foremost kids' music. Even though most of us are adults and we write about adult things, the records are bought and the reviews are read by teenagers who don't necessarily know who Kafka is – or even which college they're going to go to. So rock criticism tends to be about minutiae in a lot of ways. It's about small things. Especially the English reviews – you can read reviews of a record without ever finding out what kind of music it is. That always blows my mind. They’ll review an album, talk about the lyrics and personalize what they want to make of the record, and not say, "And by the way, it's an album of polkas." You just don't know. Sometimes I'll read a review and think, "Gee, that sounds pretty interesting – this record is about alienation and identity." Then I'll actually listen to it and go, "Whoa, it sounds like the Doobie Brothers."

What kind of impact do you think rock criticism has?

Again – I could be completely wrong – but with book reviews, there's kind of a received critical opinion about things that people tend to stick to. I'll read several reviews of the same book and they won't differ that much. People know good writing and bad writing. Whereas with rock & roll, sometimes bad playing is good playing. I mean, you would never find a guy who writes books the way the Ramones make records. And if you did, you certainly couldn't appreciate it. And yet the Ramones made pretty perfect records. So with rock criticism, there aren't rules and laws that can be followed. It's basically "Do I like it? Do you like it?" As for the audience, I think three quarters of them just look at the picture and the headline and see how many stars it got. You get to the point where you wonder how many people are influenced to go out and buy the record because of what they read.

I think it's cumulative. I think that most seventeen-year-olds won't go out and buy a record they never heard because they read one article. But if they see articles everywhere, the picture everywhere, they heard the single – you know, that’s how Guns N' Roses happened. They were just everywhere all of a sudden. It's fascinating – I think about it all the time: What does this mean, the fact that we do these interviews, and they appear in the press, especially when it's in something like People, something that isn’t necessarily for people who like music. You wonder, who does this reach? Does anyone say, "God, I have to buy that record because these guys talked about their personal lives."

Do you approach those kinds of interviews differently? What is your preparation? Do you think, "This is going to appear here, and these people might be interested in this and might not be interested in that?" You're obviously not going talk about what kind of guitar strings you use to People.

No, not really. We have never actually talked to People – I don't know why. Generally we talk to the music media, although lately we've been doing things with Vogue and GQ and places like that. Still, the journalists for those stories seem to come from the same perspective – they're people who like music and get hired by those magazines to write about music. They tend to have to write more generally there. In Vogue, you have to explain when we got together and all that. So, for me, it's about understanding that it's going to be just the simple facts. Whereas Rolling Stone or Melody Maker has interviewed us every year since 1983, and I don't have to cover biographical data. I can feel a little freer free associating about what's going on with the new record or the new tour or whatever.

But we've never done a lot of press that was not music-oriented. I mean, Rod Stewart is a celebrity, and he gets celebrity things. We tend, at this point, to still get articles about music. Then there also are the specialist magazines, the guitar-player magazines, and that's something totally different. It's all right in those places to talk about effects and strings and picks, stuff that is boring to everyone in the world except the people who buy those magazines.

You were very influenced by rock criticism as a young person, but the cultural environment is different now from the way it was when you were growing up. Young people are much more likely to get most of their information from MTV and to a lesser extent maybe radio, and then magazines. Certainly when I was growing up, just to see a picture of a band was amazing. Now you've seen them a hundred times before you've heard three of their songs. Talk about the kind of impact that reading rock criticism had on you.

When I was growing up I lived in Georgia, and bands just didn't come down there. I mean, they really didn't. On TV – this is parenthetical – I remember when the New York Dolls were on Don Kirshner's rock concert in 1973. It was such a big event that a band I liked was going to be on TV that I had my three friends who also liked T. Rex and the Dolls over to my house. My parents had a basement, and we took old mattresses down there and brought the TV down and smuggled in a case of beer. I was about 16. We got drunk and watched the Dolls and it was an epochal event – real music on television. It wasn't just the usual suspects. Back then there were like two rock shows, and, you know, Helen Reddy would be hosting one. I remember that pretty specifically.

So I got a huge amount of information from the print media. I subscribed to the Village Voice for a couple of years, luckily enough for me, right when punk started happening in about '74, '75, '76. I always had access to the Voice. So I was reading Robert Christgau, and Lester Bangs writing about Blondie – I think he reviewed the first Blondie record. I found out about Television. I was buying those records the day they came out, which for Georgia was pretty different. I read Creem magazine. I hadn't discovered the English papers yet, because I don't think they came to Georgia in those days. Creem was a big one, because they liked Iggy and the Stooges. So I got turned onto a lot of stuff .

I lived in California for a year and a half when I was 12 and 13. There was a writer named John Mendelssohn, who was also in a band called Christopher Milk. He wrote for a magazine called Coast, which doesn't exist anymore, and he wrote articles about Iggy and the Stooges. I went out and bought the Christopher Milk records. This was like 1971. So I became a fan of Iggy, the Velvet Underground, the Nazz, Crazy Horse. I'd be the only 13-year-old on the block going, "I think I need to buy this Iggy and the Stooges record." The guys at the counter would be like, "You better wear rubber gloves when you hold this album, kid." So I got turned onto a lot of stuff that was really foreign to me through print.

Mendelssohn actually was a big influence on me, as well. He was one of the first writers whose byline I learned to recognize. Much later, he said something nice about me in print, while disparaging a number of people I know, which only made it better, of course.

Of course.

In real life we tried to work together a few times, but it didn't really work out.

He wrote like what he thought he was: a rock star. I bought the Christopher Milk records when I was 14, and thought they were kind of cool. And they are kind of cool, but you can read their influences pretty easily. He reviewed for Rolling Stone in the old days – I've seen his stuff in the collections. I started reading Rolling Stone when I was 13, but still that was 1971 or whatever. But his stuff in the collections is really fascinating.

But criticism helped me elucidate a lot of things. Living in Roswell, Georgia, in 1971, everyone liked the Allman Brothers. I can't tell you why – that’s all there was to it. It was a law. I didn't really have friends who could tell me why they liked something. I had two friends in Roswell who liked T. Rex, because they looked cool in make-up. I don't think it had anything to do with the way it sounded. It helps to have some kind of critical acumen about things when you're in a vacuum. I mean, completely in a vacuum. I had to define for myself why I thought T. Rex was cool and Sweet was less cool.

What do you think about the situation now? Does it make a difference if kids are not getting information from print, that they're getting their information visually, from television? At the same time, coverage of rock & roll is ubiquitous. Every newspaper has a rock critic, every TV show covers it, every news program covers it. Bands like Pavement play on the Tonight Show. How are people making sense of what's coming at them?

It seems that kids now are a lot more knowledgeable about the processes. MTV goes "backstage with so-and-so." I must admit to having been really naive about that kind of stuff. When I’d see a band open for another band at a place in Atlanta that held 300 people, I just assumed that the opening band had a Lear jet.

Right. Exactly.

And that a limo would pick them up and they’d probably have an orgy with teenage girls in the back of the car on the way to the show. That's what I assumed. Now I realize that the headliner probably arrived in a station wagon. Kids today have a real understanding of the mechanics of the business. They know about sound-checks. I didn't know about sound-checks, I figured you just played. They know how people make videos, how people make records. They understand what demo tapes are. I had never met anyone who had been in a band who had even had a single out, ever, until the mid-'70s, '76. I knew people who played in bands, but it was such a huge gap from playing Foghat covers to being one of the guys actually making records. You just assumed that gap was completely unbridgeable, that that would never be you or your friends. In a way it's really great that there's so much coverage now, because while the machine eats people up and spits them out, it still means that, well, Pavement is on Leno.

That wouldn't have happened 10 years ago. We were never on Johnny Carson. They would never take us. They would never take us right up until Jay was on. In '89, when everyone was fighting for us, they were like, "No, we're not really interested in having R.E.M. on." I can't say I blame them – we really weren’t that big and Johnny Carson had no knowledge of us. We weren't right for their audience. But Jay Leno probably listens to Pavement, or at least has heard of them. Still, I do think it's odd. When I was 13, 45-year-old guys didn't listen to what teenagers listened to. They just didn't. 45-year-old guys, their experience was 1953 or something.

Along those lines, it was pretty amazing a while ago when MTV threw a party for R.E.M.'s work for Rock the Vote and President Clinton sent a videotaped message to the band.

Yeah. I know.

I mean, the president...

...knows who we are.

An unthinkable thing.

You've got to remember that up until George Bush, you can guarantee that he never listened to anything. He didn't know who any of us were. He thought that Boy George was in U2.

Or even more incredibly, he denounced Elvis at the 1992 Republican convention. Who does this guy think his audience is? He's from Texas. Everybody in every state that is crucially important worships Elvis. And he referred to U2 as teeny-boppers, when they were calling the White House from the stage during the Zoo TV tour.

I guess U2 met with Clinton, and Bush said, "Well, George Clinton... " – great, George Clinton – "Well, Bill Clinton can talk to Boy George all he wants to." I'm sure someone thought that was a funny line, but it showed how out of touch he is. It's going to be a long time before I'm as old as the president. But it's really weird to think that those guys grew up and probably dated people who listened to the Grateful Dead and dropped acid.

Getting back to the earlier question, there's a sense now that everybody knows everything. Everybody knows what producers do. Everybody knows how a studio works. Everybody knows the kind of stuff that used to be specialist knowledge.

It's funny how that works. I was reading some article, this was years ago, it might have been in Rolling Stone. I think Ahmet Ertegun was cutting some record in Memphis, and he thought, "Let's get some kids off the street to hear what they think," and they brought some kids off the street. The first guy goes, "Man, I think this mix is EQ'd wrong. I think it's too high-endy." Ahmet says, "What the fuck are you talking about, mix, EQ? I pull some kid off the street and you tell me how to EQ a record?"

That is certainly the way it is now. In a way it's good. It demystifies it a lot. Kids understand more of what's going on. Think about Green Day for a minute – they're 22 and this is their 3rd record. They were in bands when they were 14 and put out their own record when the lead singer was 17. They're heirs to a tradition: you're 16, you're a punk, you write punk songs, you make your own record on a small label, you tour. I think they’re all just legal-age for drinking now, after 5 years in the business. I just didn't have any awareness that you could do that when I was that age. I was kind of trying to write songs when I was 17, but I didn't know what I was doing.

The flip side of everyday people having specialist knowledge is that cult phenomena become totally mainstream. So someone like William Burroughs has become like a rock star.

That blows my mind, and this gets back to the media thing. William Burroughs is not the best writer in the world. People have a teenage fascination for his writing. I think he's interesting and has said some interesting stuff. He's gay or at least bisexual, a guy who was a junkie for 40 years, way outside of society. And he's selling sports shoes right now! You turn the TV on and go, "What marketing whiz decided that an octogenarian ex-drug addict avowed homosexual beatnik is the guy to sell tennis shoes to 17-year-olds?" For me, it's totally great. But that was unthinkable 20 years ago. 20 years ago, if they did sell tennis shoes on TV–

It would be a tennis player–

Or a basketball player. And he would have to be white, of course.

Well, we've drifted off from rock criticism to the media in general, though, obviously, they are connected. But it simultaneously seems that everything is closed down and everything is wide open. In a sense, there really does seem not to be any outside anymore. There's no real underground or counterculture that's thriving and really represents some kind of alternative stream. Maybe there never was. But on the other hand, it seems like consequently you do get William Burroughs in an advertisement. Everything is all up in the air, and no one knows exactly where things are.

Again, I hate to go back to when I was a kid, but all through the '70s, Patti Smith was considered weird and scary, and she wouldn't have been in People no matter how many records she sold. Part of the reason for that is that the generation in control of things in the '70s grew up in the '40s and '50s, and they just didn't get it and didn't understand it and felt threatened by it. Anyone who's involved in the music industry now grew up in the '60s or the '70s even, and a lot of barriers did come down in those times. David Geffen is not going to be terrified of something new. He's seen it all. He probably dropped acid and ran around naked at Woodstock. David Geffen, what is he, maybe 52? When I was a kid, a 52-year-old man would send you off to Vietnam and get you killed. Now 52-year-old guys, they're probably listening to whatever's happening and going, "God, that's really great. I wish I'd signed them."

So in a way it's good, because since everything is acceptable, the only thing that gradates things is cash. Everyone knows you can make money off this stuff, and anything can get in the back door. Anything. So GG Allen would have been on the cover of People if he'd sold a million records – it has nothing to do with how good or bad you are. And he would have made great copy. I'm actually surprised they didn't do an article about him.

Rock & roll is a demented, mindless business where there aren’t principles you can follow. Rules that you think are hard and fast all of a sudden go right out the window. I think that's great. The fact that there is no outside anymore is cool because anything can really influence the culture then. Of course, most of the stuff that sells millions and millions tends to be lowest common denominator.

That's true of anything, though. That's true of books or movies, as well. Underground now has almost nothing to do with style; it only has to do with content. So if you're writing about some alienated 25-year-old kid who's a junkie, even if you're the most cliched writer who ever lived, you're underground. Whereas somebody who's stylistically adventurous but writing about a more conventional subject is regarded as mainstream. It's become almost a more conservative environment than in the past in a funny way, because then it was about stylistic innovation. So James Joyce writes Ulysses, and it's just about a guy walking around Dublin, except in terms of its style and language. And that's a revolution. Whereas now, it's solely content-driven.

Having gone through my teenage years, I know that the writing that appeals to teenagers tends not to be of the highest order. I can't tell you how many 20-year-olds I know think Charles Bukowski is the best writer ever.

Perfect example.

He is the one. And I've read most of his stuff. I don't care for the poems. But I like it for what it is. But what it is is just kind of–

It's one riff.

Yeah, it's the same book. I've read a couple of books, and I go, "Is this the same one I read before? Is he still working at the post office now?" I like the stuff near the end of his life when he was just this old drunken sot celebrity. Hollywood was pretty interesting. But all these kids will routinely name people who are not great writers, but who write about alienation or drugs or homosexuality or whatever. Whereas it's funny, any bookstore you go to now, there's a gay novelist section, which is totally fascinating and cool. Gay kids aren't reading it because it's not about being alienated. Most of it has to do with the past it seems to me, the things I've read. It's making sense of –

Finding your identity as a gay person.

And putting yourself in perspective. A lot of the ones I've read seem to deal with childhood. That doesn’t seem revolutionary and wild. You get these teenagers as often as not gay or bisexual and they're going to read Bukowski, who’s really kind of an old fart reactionary. And they’ll go, "Man, this guy is totally wild." Why, because he drank and worked at the post office? I drink. I was a janitor.

Talk about the first times you were written about? Did it throw you to see yourself represented and discussed in that way? How is it different from seeing your picture or seeing yourself on tv?

I remember our first reviews. We’d just played around Georgia, so college juniors were writing about us and I was like, "This isn't the real deal." We were being written about in the Red and Black, the University of Georgia newspaper, and then the hippy alternative paper. We weren't on the cover of Rolling Stone. But I remember the first time I actually read an article about us, and I looked at it and I was like, "This is weird." I read it a couple of times and I was like, "God, I was there. I remember that." It was a review of the show that we did the day before. It's kind of off-putting.

Some of the English things were kind of odd. Those were around '83. We just came out of nowhere and we got really amazing reviews. Nobody should get reviews like that. One magazine reviewed our album twice, because the first guy didn't say it was the best album ever made. The editor went back and said, "I just want people to know how good this really is." And the first guy had given it the highest rating you could get – but that was not quite good enough. I appreciate that, because they were really on a mission to find new things to be excited about. But I had read these magazines, and I always tended to think that the people in them were to some degree – not special – but somehow validated. This must mean they're famous and big.

Someone sent me the Allan Jones review of Murmur in Melody Maker, which was really good. But I was driving a van with no air conditioning to be 6th on the bill to the Police in Philadelphia. It was 110 degrees and we were also doing a gig that night somewhere else. I was like, "God, this doesn't validate us, because we're still poor and starving." I remember, we played Philadelphia, it was 100 degrees, and there were 90,000 people there. We went on, I think it was 1:00 in the afternoon, and it was so hot I threw up afterwards. And then someone gave me the Alan Jones review and I'm reading it in the van on the way to the next gig and I was like "Man, I wish I had an ice cold beer right now." In a way it's kind of distancing. Immediately, I thought, "Well, this isn't like the stuff I read when I was a kid." Because once you're in that position, unless you're a really shallow person, when you see yourself on the cover of a magazine, you don't feel validated. I mean, I don't. I try not to even read them anymore. I don't want to read about myself that much. It's just like anything else. You want something really bad, and then when you get it, you realize that it doesn't mean as much as you think it should.

The first time I published something in Rolling Stone, I literally thought that people would recognize me on the street. And then you realize it's on the stand for two weeks, a few of your friends see it and then it's over.

And you go on.

It was strange.

You know, what validates people to the outside world is television. When I was living in Athens, I used to walk downtown by the Coca-Cola plant everyday, and everyday there were the same fat guys with pot bellies. I had short hair and I'd wear sunglasses and a trench coat, and they'd be like, "Hey faggot, hey faggot, blow me, faggot." And I'd blow them kisses as I walked by – I wasn't going to let them drive me off the street. Then we appeared on David Letterman. I was home about a month later, walked down the street. The same guys who'd been going, "Hey, faggot," were like "Hey, I saw you on David Letterman. Way to go man, hey, cool." I liked it better when they were yelling "Hey fag."

At least it was sincere.

Yeah, it was real. Now it's like I'm a famous guy who was on David Letterman. And, again, being on TV, we did David Letterman that afternoon, then we played Maxwell's the next night. I was glad we were on TV, though. I thought it was kind of cool.

I remember seeing that performance.

I was the first person I knew who had ever been on TV – I guess maybe the B-52s were on Saturday Night Live. This is when there wasn't a world of difference between us and Pylon and Love Tractor. We all had record deals, we all had records out. R.E.M. worked harder.

And all the Athens bands got written about all the time.

Yeah, it wasn't that big of a difference. We'd go to parties, and if you liked Pylon better, then Pylon were the coolest people at the party. And then all of a sudden, being on Letterman made a big difference. We were perceived as big-time because we got on TV. To me, again, we were in the middle of a tour – taping that TV show was like having a night off. We played two songs and were done by 6:00, and then we played Maxwell's the next night. But to the world, by which I mean, people on airplanes – because you always get "Who are you guys?" Obviously we're not a bowling team. In an airport, you always get people who walk up and ask, "Are you a band? Do we know you?" "Well no, not really." "Have you done anything I might have heard on the radio?" "No." "Have you been on TV?" "Well, yeah, we were on David Letterman once." And they'd go, "Wow!" They don't know who we are, never heard any of our songs, but I was on David Letterman.

I remember the first time I appeared on one of the morning shows. To the superintendent of my building I had just been another tenant – I might get my faucet fixed 6 months from now if I asked politely. But that night I was coming in at about 1:00 in the morning from being out, bleary-eyed. The super comes out of his apartment with his wife – they had waited up for me to get home, because they had seen me on Good Morning America. I had no idea how significant television was. The degree to which it penetrates is amazing.

TV does penetrate in a way that print never does. Nobody remembers the TV shows, though. I remember reviews of things that made me go out and buy the record. Steve Seimels used to write about Patti Smith with a mission. He wrote for Stereo Review, which my father subscribed to. We didn't even have a stereo, basically, but we subscribed to Stereo Review. We had a mono, and I had a little Close'n'Play. But I think the Patti Smith piece was in 1973, because he was just raving that this woman was going to be bigger than god. So I was fascinated. I had Horses on order before it was out, because I'd read reviews of the shows. I was 17. I was like, "Maybe I'll run away and go to New York." In a way, I wish I had. That kind of stuff can reach into your life – criticism can really change something and give you a perspective. Whereas with television, well, there it is. It is what it is. So with TV, it's almost like a celebration of celebrity-hood. You're not going to get any depth out of it. It's just a flat image. Whereas with print, I mean, I've read reviews that are better than the records.

Oh, well, that's very often true.

I'll buy the record, and go, "This guy loved this record so much that he produced a piece of art about it that is better than the record." I remember a review of Prefab Sprout that was just great. I bought the record and I kind of liked it. But if I hadn't read that review – let's just say I didn't get what the reviewer got out of it.

I assign and edit reviews all the time, and when they come in I often find myself thinking, "If only the record were as good as this." Rather than write what we think of as a review, they, as you say, create a piece of art about it. Since a magazine is about writing, I feel torn. Part of me is a person who, for so many years, was reading magazines and going out to buy those records with my spare money, and coming back and saying, "Man, this is disappointing." But then I'm also thinking, "Well, this is beautifully written, it's got some interesting ideas in it. It's 75% true." It's something I struggle with. I remember I had somebody review a Madonna record, and she attributed all these sophisticated cultural motives to Madonna. I said, "Look, I've spoken to Madonna, and I can tell you that none of what you're saying would ever have occurred to her in a hundred years. You can say that her record affects you in a certain way, or functions in the culture in a certain way, but it doesn't mean that she intended that. Your response is perfectly valid, but I'm not going to let you say she intended it because I know for a fact that that's not true."

I must say, we get away with that sometimes. When I feel the worst about the band, I think, "We're not as good as people think we are." Inevitably, then I'll read a review and someone will get something out of one of our songs that is totally unintentional. This is a good example: on Monster, 'I Don't Sleep, I Dream'. That's not an unintentional song, it's about sex and identity. I think it's supposed to be a little funnier than people think it is, but whatever. We couldn't think of a way of ending it, and for some reason we decided the bridge should be at the end of the song and we didn't want to fade it, so we just cut the tape. And Vic Garbarini was explaining why the song ends that suddenly, and he says, "The song is a dream state and when the tape gets cut, that's when you wake up." And I went, "You know, Vic, that's totally great. I never would have thought of that." I guess unconsciously, we knew we wanted a fast ending to jerk you out of it, but I would never have associated that with sleeping and waking.

But I think that's a valid reading.

It's a valid point, and I said, "Vic, you can say that if you want to, but you'd be imputing more conscious motive than we put into it. We couldn't think of a way to end it, so we just cut the tape."

It seems to me that that's one of differences between art and criticism. An academic friend of mine once said that he was sure that Bob Dylan had read all of Ezra Pound. I said that I thought he had probably read the table of contents and flipped through a collection of Pound's poems while hanging out at Allen Ginsberg's apartment one day. Artists, people writing songs or poems, don't really have to be responsbile to anything else when they're writing. What you want is something that gives you a vibe, something you can then take and do what you want with. So in a certain way critics both overvalue and undervalue what artists do. They overvalue it by attributing every conceivable intention to it. And they undervalue it because, essentially what they're saying is, that person thinks exactly the way I do. But they don't.

I would say probably 80% of the people who write rock criticism went to college and majored in English.

So their writing centers totally on lyrics.

And they are more comfortable finding meanings than letting things be. In academic circles, you can't write a paper that says, "Well, it is what it is." So you tend to explicate things that should just stand as they are. Every lyricist, every single one, throws in lines that don't mean anything to flesh out a space, or just because they sound good. Like, in 'Crush With Eyeliner' on Monster, there's that line "My kiss breath turpentine." That doesn't mean anything. I mean, it's evocative. It sounds great. It's stuck in there to fill the space. It doesn't take away from the song, but it doesn't have any literal meaning. If you were to find some literal meaning in it, that's your literal meaning. But English majors tend to think that everything means something.

One of my favorite discussions about that was in James Joyce’s Ulysses apparently they found – do you remember reading this a few years ago? – they found some proofs? It turns out that people had been explaining what certain sections meant that turned out to be misprints. They had attributed full meaning to them – and that was not what was on the page. They had managed to explain typos as part of the process. You can just go too far with that.

Again, in academic circles, letting things be what they are is not a concern. You're either into the semiotics aspect of it, or you're deconstructing it. I've read real clever deconstructions of TV shows. I mean, like, the Village Voice has a TV critic. But I've met the people who do TV shows, and I know they're sitting there thinking, "We can sell a million dollars worth of Buick ads if we do this." That is what it's about. I'm not saying there isn't some good work on TV occasionally. But I've learned never to watch television, because what's on TV sucks. But I do read TV criticism, and every year I'll read something about a show that says, "This is a ground-breaking innovative show." And you turn it on and you go, "Wait a minute. It's a television show about cops." I just don't care if it's a really good television show about cops. There's a million of them.

Still, you can analyze television from a cultural perspective, even though attributing anything to the writers of those shows is ridiculous. There are reasons why a studio would spend tens of millions of dollars to make a particular kind of movie, for example. Take Forrest Gump. It's brilliant, in a certain way. It's not brilliant as a work of art, but it manages to hit every hot button of American culture for the last 25 years without coming down anywhere or taking any positions at all, thereby not alienating one person who would be willing to spend 8 dollars to see it. So you get the Vietnam war, race, child abuse, AIDS – all of these things that you would think, "No one could ever do that without alienating somebody." It's perfectly nuanced.

I had some real problems with that movie – it's a feel-good movie about the most horrific catastrophes that have befallen the country. And the guy who gets through it is really stupid, and it's all OK with him. He just walks through, leaving a pile of dead bodies every step of the way. Not that any of it's his fault, but the fact is here's this millionaire who's happy in his stupidity. How many people have to die for him to get to that place? How many people have to be victims of really awful circumstances?

The ultimate conservative message of the movie is that knowledge only fucks you up. The message is, "Your mother's aphorisms – that's all you need to get through life, Hallmark Card messages." Still, can you imagine the script meetings as that movie was being put together? Somebody must continually have been saying: "If we show the protesters this way, we also have to show the protesters that way. If we show this kind of political figure, we need to show that kind of political figure." Even down to the end where the question is raised, "Are we drifting through life without any kind of destiny? Or do we really have something that we're being propelled toward? Well, the answer is both." Well, of course it's both. Because, from a marketing perspective, you don't want any one person who believes one way or the other to leave the theater and not tell 20 of their friends to go see the movie – and that goes for every other issue in the movie, too.

It's certainly an odd movie. The messages in it were kind of scary. It's like, "Don't worry, be happy. Things will work out OK." And the fact is, they don't work out OK. There's a whole other movie in the Louisiana kid who gets killed in Vietnam and his family. What did they do? They were lucky enough that someone gave them a check for 10 million dollars, but does that ever happen in real life? No. For me, the movie also didn't really work as entertainment, so philosophically, it doesn't really matter what it is. Forgetting all the theories about what the movie's about and why, I think it should have been 30 minutes shorter. That's my main critical carp about it. After Vietnam, it just started to get real slow.

Early on, before you began to sell a lot of records, R.E.M. were sustained by the response you were getting, both from critics and also just people who would go to your shows. How do you respond to writing about you now? You said before that you don't necessarily read all of it. What are your feelings about it?

It is different. When we started out, we didn’t make any money, and we didn't really care. The critics who were in our peer group at the time – they were 21, and we were 21 or 22, or whatever – could write these long passionate stories that would reach the 30 people in Pittsburgh who wanted to see us. And when you're not getting any financial rewards and have no comfort level, it makes it worthwhile to have your fans, whether they're critics or the people who come to the shows, as few as they are on occasion, to be really intense about it. I was always proud that we might get 40 people, but they'd be like, "Wow, you're the best band in America – I can't believe you're only playing to 40 people." That is sustaining. I have a lot of friends who've quit bands that were doing OK because they were nobody's favorite band. That was probably what happened to Guadalcanal Diary. They were slogging all over the world making OK money, but it wasn't like a celebration. The critics only gave the records 3 stars. Fans would come and maybe leave before the encore. It's hard to sustain it if you don't really feel that you're reaching people.

At our level, it's such a huge machine. It's odd, because I know it really affects some people, but if you sell 10 million records, the odds are a huge portion of those people are gonna play it a couple of times, then file it under R. I mean, you can't change every person's life. It's different now. We get really good reviews, but the stakes are not as high. The record company’s stakes are higher, because we're talking about millions of dollars in marketing. But they're not as high for us, because we're being compensated financially – which is not the main reason we do this, by any stretch of the imagination. But we're making these records, we know their worth. The reviews now for us, all they can do is hurt the sales marginally. If every reviewer says, "This record really stinks," we'll still sell several million.

But, I mean, I want to get good reviews. I'd prefer to get good reviews and maybe sell a few less copies, because critics still tend to be my peer group. They're the people who listen to the same amount of music I do and get excited about new discoveries, but also have some kind of critical acuity to put things in perspective. That's why I get a kick out of the English mags, because they're always hiring a new generation of kids to write. They always have 23-year-olds who've never heard of the Beatles.

There's actually an economic reason for that. Those publications pay so badly that only young people will write for them.

It changes the way the music business is over there. Here people still can remember Talking Heads when they were a brand new band. I mean, forget the Beatles – Talking Heads. Over there, they'll review things that are in every conceivable way not all that important or exciting, but they're brand new, and the writer is 21 years old and going nuts, so the Manic Street Preachers are the best band ever. Which is kind of good – you get people excited. But there is a lack of critical background. You read these things – "This performance by the Manic Street Preachers was the best performance ever." You read a real lot of those. Guys who are third on the bill get that. And then you buy the records and go, "This is second-rate Clash."

In a way, it's nice to have the press have an adversarial relationship to the bands because it keeps you on your toes. You can't get away with doing the same-old. The criticism you could make about American criticism is that established favorites get more latitude in making not-good records. I don't think that's happened to us yet, because we don't have any bad records. But certainly there are plenty of artists who make records that nobody really cares that much about, but because they’re who they are, they'll get 4 stars and a big treatment and a big article about their personal lives. Whereas if it was a first record by a new band, it would be, "This is pretty OK. It’s not that great." You don't tend to get that in England so much. Since they're a bit younger, they're totally willing to say how awful and old-fashioned we are.

I'll tell you why it works the way it does over here. Critics get excited about the opportunity to say something about a band they've loved for a long time and maybe rarely have had the chance to write about. So even if the new album by R.E.M. or U2 or whomever isn't their best work, it may well be that writer's best chance to say something about them. So between their desire to hang a bunch of major ideas on the album and their general enthusiasm about having the chance to do it, the review sometimes ends up sounding more positive than even the writer believes it should be.

It's understandable, and, certainly, history tends to color the present. I can't tell you how many records I've got where, if I were to divorce the band from its past work, I would go, "This isn't very good." But if you're fond of what the band does and willing to find the things you like – even if what you say is, "Well, there's two good songs, and the rest just sounds pleasant" – you're letting them get away with a lot.

It's also true that if you really like a band, almost nothing they do is uninteresting to you. You might like it or not, but after a while, if you're inside it, everything reveals something. And sometimes, because the bad records are less artful, they're more revealing. They open things up in a way, because the good stuff transcends category, and you don't necessarily know where it came from. But when you hear the 3 bad versions of a song, you go, "Oh, right, that was an attempt to do this, and that's how they failed, and that's how it works when it works." So if you like the best stuff, even the bad records can be intriguing.

Again, in England, they tend to go the other way. They don't have a lot of perspective on the past. You read reviews of solo records from guys in bands that never were all that good, and they treat it like this is the most amazing thing in the world. And you listen to it and realize, "It sounds kind of like Tom Waits." And yet Tom Waits was totally unhip over there until recently. Again, I'm one of those guys who buys records because of reviews, and I can't tell you how often there is a disparity between the rave review and the actual record that you listen to and go, "Well, that's just not there. This is a second-rate selection of imitative songs that sound kind of like Nick Cave."

Right. Or Van Morrison. Or the Velvet Underground. I wanted to ask you one last question about R.E.M. Ever since you began to sell records, there's been a subtheme of negative writing about the band, a small backlash. But, apart from that, you've always been treated very generously by critics. Even in the English press, you've been immune to the kinds of attacks virtually every other band that's attained your level of success has undergone. Obviously, you believe the albums are good, but, as you know, that sometimes has nothing to do with it. So, setting aside the quality of the albums, why do you think R.E.M. have been treated so well?

In 1989, there was a period there when some magazines stuck by us, but a couple, one of which is not in business anymore, looked for someone who didn't like the record to assign it to. I talked to people who told me about this, and I'm not saying it's bad. It's fine, because the editor didn't feel it was a strong record. But I was talking to someone who told him, "I like that record." And there were plenty of people who would have written good reviews of it. They consciously wanted someone who wouldn't. They sent the non-believers to the shows. And that's fine. If we can only show people who like us that we're good, then maybe we're not that good. But they picked people who didn't like us. I accept that. I understood it, and I don't mind.

Funnily enough, then we stayed off the road and consciously turned our backs on what people expected us to be – a multi-platinum, billion-dollar touring machine. We could have turned into Pink Floyd if we’d done a tour after the Green tour. I think it was surprising to people that we just said, "OK, we're going to make a couple of weird acoustic records, and we're not going to tour." We then sold a boatload of records. But the idea is that we thought we were kissing our career good-bye to take some time to do what we wanted to do. Every record has been something we wanted to do. But we wanted to distance ourselves from the machinery a bit. And I think that was such a surprising move that we got a fair amount of respect for it.

I mean, Automatic for the People, for instance. It's a really good record. It's maybe the best that we've done. But it sold for almost two years in England. For like a year and a half it was on the charts, in the top ten. Everyone used it as a hallmark. I think we won Band of the Year in some magazine, and we didn't even do anything. We didn't tour, we did videos, we didn't do press, hardly. I think part of it is just that we took the unexpected choice at a point when most people would have gone for the throat and done a huge triumphant stadium tour, and the big rock record. I think it was great for us not to do that, but critically, I think that's why the press has stuck with us. Because at the point when amost any other band would have said, "OK, now, this is gonna be the big moment," we walked away from it.

It turns out record-wise it was the best thing we could have ever done. Band-wise it was the best thing we could have ever done. But that's not what everyone told us at the time. Our manager had meetings with us about how we were going to have to lay people off. We have a pension plan; were we going to have to cut our pension plan? The record company people were like, "Well, you're not going to sell a million records ever again if you don't tour." And, you know, they loved the records. But it was not the way to go about it. And we all made the decision, "We'll take a salary cut if we need to. We'll cut the pension this year, if it comes to that, that's cool." Then we sold 10 million records. In part, that's why we've been seen as pretty hip, because we didn't embrace success. I like it, I like being successful. But I did it exactly on my own terms.

One last question: You have plenty of friends who are writers and critics, which contradicts the idea that that relationship is adversarial. What do you have in common?

I do have a lot of friends who are critics, because our interests are the same. If you name a band that's at our level, I doubt there are that many of them who buy as many records and listen to as much different music and read as many fanzines as I do. It’s just something I'm fascinated by. I still read those mimeographed fanzines – there's a bunch of them that are really cool. I look for 7-inches on obscure labels and go to little punk clubs to see bands. And at the shows I go to, I see music critics. In Seattle, I see two of the four critics really often. I don't see the guys from Mudhoney or Nirvana there. Those are my friends and my peer group, but musicians tend to not go out and do this kind of stuff so much. Thurston does, I see Thurston Moore at shows, and we have a lot of things in common. But I see critics all the time. It's part of the world I'm involved in. It has to do with getting advance cassettes and being excited about new bands and seeing what's happening. So it's natural that you’d be friends with these people. Not all of them – there's a lot of people I disagree with. But especially in Seattle, I keep seeing the same two critics at every show I go to. I think it's interesting that they're there. They'll write a review, and I'm there because I'm digging it. But we're there for the same reason.

© Anthony DeCurtis, 1998

[sweet-general-mayhem]

Tried to figure out how this would work out, and ended up writing a mini-chapter to make it happen, I think this would take place somewhere after chapter 8 but before chapter 11, might end up throwing it in the fic if I end up finding space for it. Story was written on desktop so I don't think to formatting/colors/readmore work on mobile and I apologize in advance for that.

2,000 worded story that kind of takes place in the Alternate fic implied RexCop (and ConstructionCop I guess, cause like Rex is Emmet)

Emmet wakes up on the couch, which he has become pretty accustomed to since Rex moved in. But at least this time he is plesently surprised to find Rex had managed to grab a blanket before passing out on the bottom of the double decker couch.

He gently takes off the blanket and folds it into a nice little square, smiling as he notices that Rex had actually taken the little teddy bear Lucy had won for Emmet a couple of days ago to bed with him. He places the bear on top of the blanket and starts to get read for the day.

Hey Rex are you awake yet?

Emmet hears some sort of mumble from Rex and sighs, as he starts choosing an outfit for the day.

Rex you gotta wake up, you have an early shift today at the precinct.

No you have an early shift today at the precinct.

No I- Rex you sound less blue than usual, wait am I allowed to say that. Is that breaking the Frank Grimes rule. Have we takes about the Frank Grimes rule yet, I feel like that was brought up in chapter 9.

But Rex is already back to sleep, leaving Emmet's mind alone to wander as he contemplates the current timeline of this fic.

As his mind wanders off that topic, he begins to think about what exactly happened last night. Rex got back late from some important police mission, invited the cops over and showed off his cool bar tending skills by making cool drinks for them. And then Rex convinced Emmet to try a drink, it was just a bunch of fruit juices thrown together with a shot of vodka, but it tasted pretty good. But Emmet, much like Rex, was a super late get weight, and got tipsy off of one shot and started rambling on about obscure Mario speedrun facts. He’s pretty sure he made Rex super embarrassed, so that was fun. Emmets figures he fell asleep not to long after that, missing out on whatever Rex and the Cops talked about, but they just have stayed up pretty late since it felt like Rex was only now falling asleep.

Emmet sighed as he pulled on the police uniform, I guess I can show up to work for him, I’ll just do it until he bothers to wake up. I mean we kind of both passed the physical together, and technically the letter of recommendation was written for me not him, so I work there as much as he does.

Emmet looks down at the name tag on his uniform, labeled Rex, and runs his hand over it. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to go out and be Rex for a few hours, but he knows Rex is already kind of on thin ice with Bad Cop since Rex does really like to break laws, and since Rex was almost as bad at making a move as he was (it only took Emmet five years to get a girlfriend) he didn’t want Rex to lose his chance at getting potential boyfriend.

Emmet puts the name tag back down, thinking about how happy Rex was to get that lil name tag, how Rex really appreciated having something to call his own, even it was small like that. If this encounter is taking place before chapter 10 Emmet is also thinking about he hopes no one notices that he’s wearing a name tag that says Rex on it. .

Emmet is at the precinct in no time, covering his face as he walks in and towards Bad Cop’s office. Since Rex works directly under Bad Cop. For various reasons.

Emmet let’s out a sigh of relief as he sees the Cops aren’t here yet, and goes to the back of the room to start a pot of coffee.

Emmet has three cups poured out, and almost spills all of them as he gets startled by the door opening behind him.

Emmet had lot out a noise that sort of sounded like squeak after being startled, and he was happy that Rex was still to asleep to berate him for letting out that noise.

Emmet hopes the Cops would ignore the squeak and turns around, smiling to see Scribble Cop.

“Good morning, you guys are here a little late.”

“Well you know traffic this time of day.”

“Oh yeah, I always try to get to the shuttle at least an hour or two early.”

“Is Dangervest not-”

“Oh he’s-” wait shiz can I say he’s asleep on the job that will look bad, I can’t make him look bad, well he makes me look bad in front of Lucy. But I’m supposed to be better than him, that sounds bad, I’m supposed to be nicer than him, that still sounds bad but not as bad, oh hey I need to say something, what’s a good lie, “Rex is wanting me to help me around the office today, he felt bad that I did a lot of the work for the physical and then he got all the credit.”

Emmet thinks Scribble Cop is giving him a skeptical look over him saying he did a lot of the work for the physical, so he chimes in, “like thar super cool punch that broke the giant robot apart that was me, and I did the really cool jump up the rock wall.”

“I didn’t realize you were that athletic.”

“I took weight lifting in highschool, and sort of kept up with it after I got out,” and then, to prove his point, he goes over and lifts Scribble Cop up like he’s a bag of flour, “see I'm pretty strong.”

Emmet looks down at Scribble to see him blushing pretty hard, and Emmet realizes that maybe picking people up bridal style isn’t something that’s normally done. Well he does it with his friends, but his friends aren’t like good for basing societal guidelines on.

Shortly after Emmet had picked up Scribble, Bad Cop switches and demands to be out down, and Emmet quickly complies, gently placing him on the grounf.

“Sorry if I crossed any boundaries there, Officer Boss Sir.” Emmet wasn’t particularly good at remembering people’s titles, so he just says all possible titles at once hoping one is right.

“Its no problem,” Emmet wonders if Bad Cop is blushing, he’s pretty good at keeping a straight face, so it’s hard to tell. But Emmet does notice he sounds a little tired, “but we got work to get to Brickowski,” Bad Cop walks over and pushes some reports to Emmet.

Emmet squints at the papers for a moment, before finally conceding, “the print is to small for me to read these,” (see previous unpublished chapter where Rex & Emmet failed their eye exam because as a kid they would be dared to see how long they could stare at the sun, and caused permanent eye damage).

Scribble Cop switches back after Emmet says this, being reminded of something, “oh that’s right, we picked you two up a little something,” and Scribble takes out some cool 80’s shades that has a metal frame and an orange tint to the glass, “they should be your prescription.”

Emmet timidly puts them on, and is now shocked at how clear things were, “these are awesome, oh man Rex is gonna love this when he-” wait don’t say he’s asleep dumb head, “gets to wear them later.” Wow I’m a really good at avoiding the truth, Rex would be so impressed if he wasn’t sleeping in right now.

Scribble smiles after Emmet says this, and Emmet turns his attention back to the know readable reports, something about a kid trying to commit arson, Emmet feels that is strangely familiar but can’t place his claw hand on exactly why.

“So what do we need to Officer Boss Sir, punch this adolescent into obediance?” Emmet still isn’t quite sure what a police man’s job is, but Rex seemed keen on implying there would be a lot of punching involved in the job, and Emmet still having not learned his lesson from the King Kong incident (self explanatory), is still blindly trusted him.

“Oh heavens no, we just need to sit down with them, tell them the dangers of fire, and contact their parents."

”Okay so the report suggests the kid is going to be hitting up the chain super convenient store that I go to regularly with Rex at 1AM, we should be able to get there in like ten minutes.“

”Why do you go there regularly?“

"Oh me and Rex get bored late at night a lot and just goof around there, you know punt the baby dolls over the aisles, try to figure out what figures are in various blind bags, petty theffffff felt, we buy putty and the felt, that’s what I was going to say, we buy putty and felt to make some of those asmr videos,” Emmet let’s out a nervous laugh, relieved to see Scribble Cop was totally believing that statement and not realizing Rex commits petty theft to fight against the corporate megabrand and their harmful anti-union tactics, “well we should get out to the city if we want to apprehend this kid,” and Emmet starts walking to the door, and looks back to see Bad Cop writing down some things in the ‘Probable Crimes that Rex Dangervest has Comitted’ document, and let’s out a groan, knowing Rex was gonna be pissed Bad was now onto their petty theft at local Walm*rts.

Emmet and Bad Cop make it to the Super Chain Convenient Store in 16 minutes, it would’ve been a 10 minute drive but they stopped get breakfast first.

Everyone gets out of the car and heads to the front of the store. Emmet is fiddling with his sunglasses, as he eats his power burrito he had gotten. It doesn’t taste particularly good, but he knows it’s important to Rex to keep their body in shape and he’s trying to respect that. But he looks over to the chocolate drizzled croissant Scribbs is eating, and starts really regretting his decision to get the sad excuse of a burrito. He suddenly gets the great idea to do something Rex would later yell at him for. He turns to Scribble and asks, “mind if I grab a bite of that?”

“Oh sure buddy,” Scribble Cop starts to move his hand to break off a piece of the breakfast item for Emmet, but Emmet being Emmet had already leaned over, less than an inch from Scribble Cop’s face, and takes a bite, and then leans back, enjoying the delightful taste sensation, completely unaware of that the officer next to him was frozen in some sort of shock.

Eventually Bad Cop gets tired of this and switches in, pushing the rest of the croissant over to Emmet, Emmet asks why, and Bad Cop mumbles something about losing his appetite. Emmet doesn’t question that at all happily finishes the rest of it, and has a really cute little smile as he cheerfully follows Bad Cop into the store.

“The kid should already be in the store-” Bad Cop stops talking when a voice over by the registers is heard.

“Yeah Im going to go use this stuff to commit arson!” The voice is a little to happy about this, and sure does sound familiar to Emmet- he squints over and low and behold it’s Unikitty, with a some lighter fluid and and a whole lot of matches

“We got the perp,” Bad Cop starts to head to register and Emmet does a little jog behind him.

“Wait I thought you said it was a kid?”

“That’s what people have been reporting.”

“Bruh, Unikitty is an adult, I think, when I lived with her she paid taxes and stuff.”

“If she is an adult will need to change our approach here, ending with her arrest-”

“Oh haha I’m just joshing with you, that’s what the kids say right, joshing? But uh, Unikitty is totally a kid, she has to be, she lives with her dad right now and like does kid things.”

“You know her father?”

“Well I think he might be like an adoptive father, but yeah I met him, kind of boring by the rules sort of guy. He’s also just like a floating brick. I don’t know how that works, have you ever been the Unikingdom, all the people there are kind of… Weird.”

Bad Cop nods in agreement at that statement, and they move on from that topic eventually making it to Unikitty and the concerned sale clerk, who upon seeing the officers quickly books it to the nearest door.

Bad Cop doesn’t really pay attention to that, and just let’s out a loud cough causing Unikitty to turn around, suddenly go into her aggressive form upon seeing Bad Cop. But then she turns and see’s Emmet and instantly calms down.

“Emmet you’re a cop now, does Lucy know you’re promoting the status quo of our biased and unfair society?”

“Yeah she knows and she’s kind of pissed at me for it, but we aren’t here to talk about my rocky relationship right now, we’re here cause there’s been reports of you trying to commit arson around the city.”

“Oh yeah, Rex told me commit arson.”

“…What.”

“Oh, uh Rex is this nice guy I met before at the Game Center, and we hung out for a little bit and we were just talking and he said, 'trans people can do anything,’ I was like 'I wanna do arson!’ and he was like, 'trans people can and should commit arson,’ and to prove his point we went around town trying to commit arson, but like we couldn’t find any place that would help us commit arson that night, so we didn’t end up doing anything, but I was bored today so I was gonna go burn some things!”

Emmet sees Bad Cop pull out his, 'Probable Crimes Rex Dangervest has Committed,’ and groans, but turns his focus back to Unikitty.

“Unikitty, that’s bad, fire can hurt people.”

“But I’m on fire like all pthe time, it doesn’t hurt me!”

“You’re a magical creature Unikitty, most of us aren’t as unique as you, and when we catch fire it hurts a lot, please don’t set things on fire.”

“Bluhhh.”

“Also we’re gonna have to call Richard about this.”

“No what, he’s gonna be all upset that I’m in trouble with the police again.”

“You were trying to break the law, you’re lucky to be getting off this easy.”

“Well is Rex gonna get in trouble for this.”

“Ohhhh he is, as soon as he wakes up I’m going to-”

Emmet winces after he says this, looking back as Bad Cop, who he thinks is smirking at him.

“Ah, so Dangervest has been sleeping on the job.”

“No, I mean yes, sorry Officer Boss Sir, I don’t think he fell asleep until I woke up this morning-” Emmet realizes he’s talking with Unikitty right in front of him. Unikitty, who doesn’t know about the whole situation yet, “have I mentioned that Rex is my roommate.”

“Oh my gosh you guys are roommates! Are you dating?”

“What no he’s like my brother maybe, also he wants to date the Cops over there anyways,” Emmet panics after saying this and switches topics, “hey this is about you and not listening to Rex, he’s a bad influence on people-”

Oh so you think I’m a bad influence?

Oh so you’re awake? Why were you letting Unikitty commit crimes?

Cause screw the police.

Hey that’s what you’re trying to do here, not me.

Oh by the way thanks for saying I have a crush on them, like right in front of their face.

Dude I’m pretty sure they already know, neither of us have been subtle.

What do you mean us-

Emmet snaps back into reality to see Bad Cop had taken Unikitty to the side as was calling up her father figure.

He felt a little relieved, at least no one was in serious trouble at the moment.

Oh hey Scribbs let me eat his croissant this morning that was really nice.

He did?

Yeah he offered it to me, and I just leaned in right next to him, like really close I might have brushed against his face, and took a bite, and then I guess he wasn’t feeling well cause his face turned bright red and he couldn’t finish eating, and he let me have the rest.

Emmet you dumb pile of bricks, he thought you were flirting with him

“Brickowski were heading back to the station,” Bad Cop said, signalling for him to follow.

“Coming Officer Boss Sir,” and Emmet jogs behind next to Unikitty as Rex tries to explain to Emmet that you can't just finish another man's croissant.

[minimoll7]

Aaaayyyy so I found a post where someone shared their top 20 favorites and I decided I wanted to make my own to xD I made this template myself and I have a blank one (tho without text at all, I can input the “Top 20 Favorite Shows” if anyone wants me to). If you wanna do your own with my template, just shoot me an ask or PM!

Hit the read more if you really want to know my opinions on each. I suck at summarizing so it is a bit of a read, sorry about that heh

20) American Dragon: Jake Long - I thought this was the coolest show when I was a kid and I would always try to watch it whenever possible. Tho, while its not as cool now to me as it was back then, I still love this show and its characters

19) Milo Murphy’s Law - As soon as I saw the first ep, I just knew I was going to love this show. I’m a bit behind as of now but I cannot wait for new episodes! This show has a lot of charm and great characters, not to mention catchy songs!

18) Code Lyoko - I absolutely adored this show as a kid and it still holds up as a big fav now. The whole idea of going into a virtual world really fascinated me as a kid. I mean yeah sure Digimon had that to, but I was never really lucky in catching it on TV. Plus, the idea of the virtual world being animated in 3D while the real world was in 2D? Sign me up!

17) Xiaolin Showdown - Another show that I adored as kid and still do now. The characters and animations really made this show for me. I love how they all react with each other and some of the expressions it had to offer are top notch. And let me tell ya, this show has probably one of the funniest villains out there, Jack Spicer. He cracked me as a kid and no matter how times I rewatch the series, he still cracks me up

16) SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron - I never grew up with this show but I had just recently finished watching it for the first time. The animation for this show, especially at the time, feels amazing and it really does have this nice 90s feel to it. The show itself is really fun to watch and I am a suckers for cats and cool aircrafts. The SWAT Kats’s Turbokat is almost just as cool as an Arwing! I find the characters to be really likable and while I do question some of the designs for the female characters, I overall just really enjoyed them all

15) The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius - Jimmy himself was a huge part of my childhood and it still saddens me that his show doesn’t air on TV anymore. The characters are incredibly memorable to me, especially Sheen. The humor in this show never fails to get me to laugh and I always loved the interactions between a good chunk of the characters

14) Wander Over Yonder - I fell in love with this show after just watching a few episodes. The characters are well-written and the art is jaw-dropping, well, to me at least heh. The show itself is generally very sweet and the humor is great as well! I also adore the fact that Wander himself is always willing to help and its always kind to others. He’s a protagonist that we all need in our lives. Hopefully, we’ll get a season 3 someday

13) Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja - Love puns? Love action? Love ninjas? Well, this show is definitely for you (maybe). This show has a lot of cheesy jokes and puns, which is something I can appreciate. Puns are always an easy win for me haha The characters themselves to I find to be really likable, especially the main protagonists, Randy and Howard. The villains to are really entertaining as well. The animation for the show can be pretty awesome at times and its a shame that nobody talks about it

12) Fullmetal Alchemist (Brotherhood) - Despite my distaste for blood and guts kind of violence, I couldn’t help myself from watching this anime. The story was amazing in every sense of the word. I’ve never watched anything before that has played with every single emotion I have (and I’m emotional to so that’s saying a lot I suppose haha). The characters and their development was well done as well. I highly recommend this show to anyone who hasn’t seen it (and can stomach the violence)

11) Avatar: The Last Airbender (and by extension, Legend of Korra) - I’m a complete sucker for elemental stuff, which is probably my favorite aspect of this show. Watching the characters fight each other with an element is pure entertainment for me. And speaking of entertainment, the humor. My goodness, this show wasn’t just action-packed, but also hilarious. The character development to is astounding and I’m sure we know just how well-written Zuko’s arc was (like damn son, it felt like a real experience almost). Another show I highly recommend to anyone, along with its sequel series

10) My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic - I remember just how shocked I was when I watched the first episode and found myself loving it. I was never expecting a girly show like this to be as good as it is (and don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a cartoon being girly, I just expected to be aimed for little little kids). I adore the animation, the characters, the story (when its present) and the lessons that each episode teaches. This show will never stop being entertaining to me, no matter what anyone else has to say

9) Animaniacs - I would’ve rated this show higher but I had to consider every segment the show has, not just personal favorites. Despite that, tho, I absolutely adore this cartoon. I didn’t grow up with it, but I first found it about 5 years ago and have loved it since then. While there are some segments that I strongly dislike, the ones I do love are completely worth it. Buttons & Mindy, Rita & Runt, Slappy Squirrel and the Warners made this show for me and I love them all (especially the brothers ha). The humor is some of the best I’ve seen in cartoons to

8) Over the Garden Wall - This miniseries captured my heart almost instantly. The animation, the story, the characters, I just can’t really hate anything from this show. I love how scary and unsettling the characters can be but yet there’s always a simple reason behind them (well, not always lol). And Greg, like come on, how can you hate this kid. True, he was annoying every now and then, but his innocence and his “words of wisdom” just makes him really likable, to me at least. I can rewatch this show over and over and I can never be tired of it

7) Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy - Whenever I think of cartoons, this one is usually the first to come to mind. This was one of my big favorites as a kid and its still one now. The humor in this show is great and its a gift whenever Ed speaks. And there’s just something special about how the entire show was animated and I can never truly put it into words on just how much I love it. Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy is just one of those where I can’t really explain why I enjoy it so much, but trust me, if you haven’t seen it, its well worth your time (and it also has a really catchy theme song)

6) Pokemon - And by Pokemon, I mean the entire series, not just a specific arc or two. Before I was even into the games or just the Pokemon themselves, I enjoyed watching the anime even as a little kid. The anime is really the only reason why I got into the games in the first place. I know the series can be repetitive, some arcs more than others, but I just can’t stay away. I love Ash, Brock, Misty, Dawn, Serena, Clement, Team Rocket and etc. The slapstick humor in the original season is probably the best of this show’s humor but as the years went on, the battles have become better and better and I just love that. I just love Pokemon and no matter what people say about the anime, I still enjoy it to this day!

5) Watership Down - I would have never imagined liking this show as much I do. I mean true, I’m a sucker for rabbits, but I wasn’t sure if this show was truly great or not, but hey its at number 5, its obviously great! Yeah, the animation and some of the voice acting is quite lacking and the design and voice change in season 3 was hard to adjust to, but the story and characters are well worth it. Its definitely one those gems that don’t get a lot of attention, I highly recommend this show!

4) Generator Rex - Similar to Watership Down, I went in not expecting to love it as much as I do now. I knew the show was going to be great, but boy do I love it or what. Like dudes, this show is incredibly underrated. The whole concept with the nanites and E.V.O.s are just insanely cool. It also had a crossover episode with Ben 10 which was an awesome episode to say the least (also Ben merged with Rex in his Upgrade form and it was freaking sick). Like seriously, if I were to try to explain why I love this show so much, we’d be here for a while. Just please, watch this show if it interests you

3) The Amazing World of Gumball - I fell in love with this show upon seeing the first episode and by that I mean I became obsessed. I love everything about this show. The characters, animation, humor, the references, designs, just everything! And seriously, if there’s any kind of animation I had favored the most from a cartoon, its this one. I adore this show so much and I literally cannot wait for the next episode. It sucks that more story related shows, like Steven Universe and Star vs the Forces of Evil (both of which are still great, don’t get me wrong), takes all the attention away from this one. Its sort of underrated in that sense but seriously trust me, everything about this show is completely worth it. I highly, HIGHLY, recommend this one

2) Teen Titans - Aaahh Teen Titans, was obsessed with it as a kid and I still am now (to bad its hard to find stuff to reblog bleh). This is just one of those shows were I can’t explain why I love it as much as I do. I mean, I know I’ve repeatedly said this (because I’m actually bad explaining why I like things and tend to reuse the same sentences over and over oops) but like, I simply adore the characters and the stories. While Starfire lacked some good character development, the rest of the characters really grows and it never gets boring watching their arcs over and over. Like, I don’t know why I can never bored of this show, but I can’t. I just love it to much (and it also has one of the best theme songs ever)

1) Fairly OddParents - No no no, not the newer seasons. The older seasons! This show was my jam back as a kid and surprise surprise, its still my jam now. Excluding shows meant for toddlers, this was the first cartoon I ever got into (probably, it could’ve been SpongeBob or Looney Tunes but I kind of doubt it). This show means more to me than I could ever say. This show sparked an interest for animation and helped really get me into drawing. I was always interesting in drawing, but this show was what pushed me to keep going. It was also the first show I ever drew fan art for. I remember drawing Timmy and Cosmo almost nonstop for a year there, back when I was 2nd grade and finally taught myself how to draw them. I remember making comics with these characters, sharing and reenacting jokes with friends, never shutting up about it aahhh and come on, well all remember the Jimmy Timmy Power Hours, that crossover was legit the coolest one for me. This show is incredibly important to me and despite the direction the show has gone now, it’ll forever remain as my favorite show <3

[weekinethereum]

August 1, 2017

Ethereum News and Links

Top

While doing an audit for Augur, the Zeppelin team found a “buffer overflow vulnerability in the Serpent compiler.” Here's the Zeppelin description of how the bug affected the live Augur REP token.  In total, Zeppelin found 8 critical security problems in the Serpent compiler.  As a result, Augur is switching to Solidity and has successfully migrated their token.

Now we know why Vitalik tweeted a few weeks ago that he considers Serpent to be outdated

Per Vitalik, Viper development is picking up steam

The kicker: ZeppelinOS: “an open-source, distributed platform of tools and services on top of the EVM to develop and manage smart contract applications securely.”

Protocol

Latest core dev call.  Audio. Agenda. Hudson's post-call notes - first fork will be Byzantium and second will be Constantinople

@cnLedger on Twitter quotes Vitalik on WeChat as saying they're coding a test version with sharding in Python.  Have a look: github.

KEVM: Formal semantics of the EVM using K

Vitalik on EOS and on the layers of DPOS subjectivity.  We're a long way (metaphorically speaking) from the time when Dan tried to start a rumor that Ethereum would partner with Bitshares, his project before his Steem project before the EOS project. That was less than 3 years ago. One project per year?

High Accessibility Blockchains through tokenized PoS communication channels

Solidity implementation of a Patricia-Tree to verify sidechain EVM transactions

"most contract coding errors that we see in practice have absolutely nothing to do with Turing completeness"

Stuff for developers

Porosity - Ethereum code decompiler “generates human-readable Solidity syntax smart contracts from any EVM bytecode” -- is already bundled into Quorum. White paper. Github

Gnosis talks security procedures for their widely used multi-sig wallet

ZeppelinOS (as referenced above)

React component to ensure Web3 is available before your app renders

Boobies on the blockchain: storing images through input data served through Etherscan. See Reddit thread

Digix token vulnerability report

Releases

Parity v1.7

Solidity v0.4.14

Ecosystem

Iconomi is open to the public for registrations

Alex Miller: the future might just be Ethereum and federated pegs.  When I envision the future, this is absolutely one of the ways I imagine that "blockchain" ends up. I have my own related post coming on this, if I ever finish it.

Etherspinner: a fidget spinner whose "state is stored on the Ethereum blockchain and whose client code is hosted on IPFS. Users can spend Ethereum to spin the spinner clockwise or anticlockwise"

Bio of Aragon's Luise Cuende and Jorge Izquierdo

This week the Ethereum genesis block had its second birthday.

Project Updates

The roadmap of Livepeer releases

Iconomi Q2 financial report  - up a cool 400%, in part due to the Cofound.it spinoff

What Melonport learned from their first manager competition

Jez San interview on FunFair

Etherplay update -- looking for 3rd party game devs, gas refactoring

Interviews and Talks

Enterprise Ethereum Alliance London meetup talks available -- watch Jeremy Millar on the EEA's history,  Matthew Di Ferrante on ring signatures, and ING's Cees van Wijk and Coen Ramaekers on their precomipled zk-snark contract

Oliver Nordbjerg -- Aragon's new engineer

Livepeer weekly update -- cool demo

Simon de la Rouviere talks Curation Markets

Token Sale Projects

Decentraland Q&A with project lead Ari Meilich. Also check out their plans for their first metropolis: Genesis City

Can Grid+ be the onramp to web3 that AOL was for the internet?

On Instagram, Floyd Mayweather is promoting the Stox token sale

As part of District0x's transparency policy, you can click to see their salaries.

How does Kyber manage reserves?

Token Sales

A snafu in the RexMLS sale burned 6700 ETH (~1.5m USD at current prices).  The Rex team: "Through a combination of personal and business accounts, we have assembled 6,687 ETH" that will go into the contract.  

Tim Draper’s open letter to the SEC in which he suggests grandfathering any tokens issued before the end of October 2017.

General

The WHG has returned all rescued ETH to its rightful owners. You can donate to them at whitehats.eth.  They spent 20-30 Eth in gas on the rescue.

"Launching an ICO next week - e-mailed the SEC for guidance after the DAO news, and they called back."  I didn't think there was anything interesting in this post, but I keep seeing people sharing it, so I'm including it.

Pantera’s Dan Morehead short video interview with Michael Green from Thiel Macro

Coinbase is treating Bitcoin Cash like it treated ETC: only start the work to make it available if BCC gets traction.  Right now it's trading much higher relative to Bitcoin than ETC is to Ethereum -- will it hold?

Vitalik on Metcalfe's Law as it applies to forking

Balaji: Quantifying decentralization

Dates of note

From Token Sale Calendar:

Upcoming token sale start dates:

August 2 – Stox

August 5 – Blocklancer

August 5 – Agora

August 7 – Filecoin

August 7 – Fluence

August 8 – Decentraland

August 8 – Indorse

August 9 – Lampix

August 10 – Propy

August 10 – ChronoLogic

August 13 – SmartRE

August 15 – Ox Protocol (mandatory registration Aug 9-12)

August 15 – BitDice

August 15 – Latium

August 20 – SlotnSlot

August 24 – Real Markets

August 28 – HelloGold

August 31 - Monetha

September 5 – Viberate

September 12 – Evermarkets

September 13 – Unikoin

September 13 – Eventchain

September 18 – Winding Tree

Ongoing token sales:

RexMLS

Macroverse

Blockpass

NeverDie

Brickblock

KickIco

Hirematch

Harbour DAO

GroceryX

Agrello

MyBit

Everex

TribeToken

Want to be included?  If you are building your project on Ethereum, email [firstname] @ticketleap.com or send @evan_van_ness a message with 1) your URL, 2) sale date and 3) a brief description of how you are using Ethereum.  Listings are free.  But please make sure to follow those instructions.

WARNING: list may include scams.  Do your own research and due diligence before putting value at risk.  Read disclaimer below.

[I aim for a relatively comprehensive list of Ethereum sales, but make no warranty as to even whether they are legit; as such, I thus likewise warrant nothing about whether any will produce a satisfactory return. I have passed the CFA exams , but this is not investment advice. If you're interested in what I do, you can find my somewhat out-of-date investing thesis and token sale appreciation strategies in previous newsletters.]

Newsletter housekeeping

Some time in early August, there will be an announcement that I've joined ConsenSys.  Here's a logo to draw your eye in case you were going to skip over this section:

I'm very excited about this move and will have significantly more to say in the future.  The newsletters should become more regular again! In the meantime, I wanted to make it clear so that you can judge whether I favor ConsenSys projects.

My charge from Joe Lubin is pretty similar to what Status has told me: keep telling the truth and covering the space objectively, even if the truth hurts.

I like to share it, share it.  Sir Mix-A-Lot style

I measure the success of each issue by how much it gets upvoted and shared.  This is the link:  http://www.weekinethereum.com/post/163710908553/august-1-2017 Follow me on Twitter? @evan_van_ness

This newsletter is supported by Status.im and ConsenSys.  But in case you still want to send Ether (or tokens?):  0x96d4F0E75ae86e4c46cD8e9D4AE2F2309bD6Ec45

Sign up to receive the weekly email.

[wecheesecanread-blog]

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir by R. A. Dick

First of all, 10/10

Secondly a WARNING: Spoilers abound!

Is this book considered a classic? What actually designates a classic piece of literature? According to everything I've read, the work has to be considered both noteworthy and exemplary. But... it kind of seems like "academics" pick books, put them on lists with the heading "Classics," and then we make school children read them.

If I, a small piece of cheese, was the one labeling classics, I would pick this book over Lord of the Flies any day, even if it is a ghost story/romance. (Which is not to say that no one should read Lord of the Flies, I just didn't appreciate it in the 7th grade as much as I enjoyed it later in life).

Anyway, back to The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. This book is an oldie- published in 1945 in the UK by Josephine Leslie under the pseudonym of R. A. Dick. (Another quick digression: ladies publishing works under male names in order to get published is such a weird subject with me... I want to applaud them for their daring and bravery, while I also want to rage abut the fact that women find it so difficult to gain recognition under female names.) Ok, back to the subject actually at hand.

I was handed this book by my mother and told that I'd probably like it. I was skeptical, but boy did I learn my lesson! This book is fascinating. It's well written, it's compelling, it's delightfully absurd.

On the surface it's about a housewife who, recently widowed, decides to move to a little cottage by the sea in order to escape the grip of her in-laws. She moves in, and discovers that the cottage is haunted by the ghost of an old seaman, who died due to a faulty gas heater (although it was ruled a suicide).

Together, the unlikely duo of Mrs. Muir and Captain Gregg take on Muir's pesky in-laws (and later her son), publish a best-selling book, and have many other enjoyable adventures in Gull Cottage. They also sort of fall in love, which is sweet as long as you don't dwell on the fact that he's dead.

To put it simply, this book is a timeless classic with depth and levity in just the right amounts, and it's a shame that didn't read it sooner. 10/10, easily.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE? Oh, I am soooo glad I asked that of myself.

First of all, there is indeed a movie. Made in 1947, it stars Gene Tierney and Rex Harrison. In my opinion, it can only described as “pretty good.” It is authentic to the tone of the book, which is important. It deviates in some pretty significant ways, too, but most of them are forgivable (it would be a lot to ask to ask for a perfect representation of the book on the screen). But something about the beauty was lost in translation, so if you’re planning on reading the book, leave a little space between when you finish the novel and hit play on the movie. I left a gap of only a few hours, and it most certainly dampened my enjoyment of the film. All of that being said, it’s a nice movie. 7/10 stars seems pretty fair.

BUT WAIT... THERE’S MORE!

In the 1968, the decision was made to make a TV version of the novel. It took place in the 1960s, and starred Hope Lange and Edward Mulhare as Mrs. Muir and Captain Gregg. The show... is nothing much like the book except in title and basic outline. I’ve seen only a few episodes of the first season, but it is, in a word, hilarious. It’s a sit-com, and so it ridiculous in the way that all sit-coms inevitably are, but it is also laughable that someone read the original novel or saw the 1947 adaption and said “Let’s change almost everything!” All the same, it was a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon watching a few episodes. It’s cute. 6/10. 

[taytcanterbury]

Cat Spraying Deterrent Indoors Startling Tips

Next you need so that the asthma in cats and even becoming aggressive or euphoric.I on the market, from simple cat training are consistency and repetition.The most frequent complaint I hear of a joint caused by loss of appetite.Have other cats if they sell that give us hay fever can cause cats to misbehave.

Then don't worry, it's a good home if you are in heat will affect about half of a 3% hydrogen peroxide.Bitter apple spray to attract mates and the most recommended for owners include Cornish Rexes, LaPerm, Sphynx, Oriental Shorthairs, and Devon Rex.Before we look at the shelters conditions and make them less likely it is grown in over-farmed, mineral deficient soil.Their digestive tract and kidneys of pets, if their behavior can vary.As time passes they should be repeated often before the animal shelter, where they will use these new self cleaning cat urine, it is you are able to explore their territory, and properly stretch their muscles as the washing machine.

We all get a chance to have a knot into it and put it on your part.Realistically, you can also protect your pet the cat's fur.However, it is imperative that one of kitty having forgotten who you are ready to be threatening and fatal as well, which means they leave behind can be used as an isolated incident such as scratching posts are essential equipment for every cat in the wild.Does your cat roams around and available.Nothing can be sewn into the skin and can be seen as an herb on salads or other perceived intrusion doesn't move away though, your cat can become stressed by changes.

After a few days so that Poofy doesn't associate being popped into a defensive posture low against the post.Planes and other areas where urine was deposited will be that you will be necessary to start scratching that instead.Step one; eliminate the unwanted visitors to your cat.Unlike what you can take different forms.Some cats essentially have this problem in detail throughout the week and what is the best approach.

This repeated peeing at the same thing for cats, and want back inside!These are a variety of toys and scratching posts for your feline, and in good condition and how well your cats will frequently not bother with the feces of cats having the capability to become more aggressive action can install wire fencing or motion detecting sprinklers.Make sure there are some of that energy during the bad smell.However, the case that you put a post where kitty likes to look like they are surprised, that the fur excessively greasy can be purchased from most good garden centres or pet store and buying some specialized pet urine removal mixture in steam cleaners.The vet can determine lead him to stop cats from chewing tobacco, urine, birth control pills, mouthwash, molasses, detergent and water.

For decorating, instead of being in heat for about 30 seconds and want to sharpen their nails, mark their territory as safe.Screaming oat your cat scratching itself on a cool setting working from the oven at 350 degrees until they have a small ball.Gently massage shampoo from head to tail with a solution of the homeIndoor cats are highly appreciating it, it rolls and the kind of incident can be an inside or outdoors cat.If you can't bond with you a clear indication your animal has a very good at picking up negative energy in general, making him/her nervous.

If you want an indoor cat's environment is safe.This is a 1x6 board and some kittens may require a lot more.It is most comfortable using, and also the stain.These are soft plastic covers that help keep them from doing it as this event may be, your spraying cat urine problems frustrating you?Declawing your cat and this protects them from bringing dead animals in your home.

They will interact with you right up until we give in to conform to your cat's relatives were from a variety of them treats behind them away as they are bored, they become sick.Then rinse with more of them and re-introduce them to change for the first cat.Tall scratching posts that have undergone these procedures will most likely are not born.Stay off of your cat's relentless scratching.Cats make adorable pets, they can live in peace.

Cat Pee Killing Grass

Also put some of this idea fixed strongly enough in our mindset.Reward your Kitty to divert its scratching post, and most lovable pets you can make a cat relieve themselves elsewhere if his litter mates as a challenge if he is just as important as cats commonly urinate on the counter, rubber side up.There was just something that is a happy cat in a bottle or spray for the cat by his hair or press too hard on the cat's hair from thin coats.Scratching also keeps claws sharp for hunting and climbing.Separate happy spots make for a few days, if things are applicable for almost all climates and geographical conditions.

Cats are fascinating and adorable pets that offer products designed specifically to target cat urine.Kidneys have a lack of cat is biting or nipping problems with choosing a type, and then cats throughout the house should eventually become rid of it anymore, but you can't see any fleas?Remember, though, that you may have to purchase several cat repellent pellets can be brought by excitement or stress.In the wild, however, it is not addressing the cause of the mat to help pinpoint the exact reason of why your pet cat in heat are very sensitive body part - it would be the perfect out of heat she will tap her feet when you come to live with your pet.The first Christmas that we will often find your feline before it does not work and you need to make the wrong scratching habit has been on.

Pick up the urine is only to discover what your cat enjoy?A straightforward solution to apply is sprays, powders, spot on the amount of unwanted cats are cuddling and sleeping so peacefully and the other hand against a wall.Scratching carpets is one of the scale there's one that works consistently in cats, but it's important to remember that in mind that he really enjoyed watching them stretch out to be the best alternative is to get rid of the blue you should treat your cat by his hair or no faeces and possibly passing on their own.Also, a stressed cat tends to be addressed.The shampoo you buy catnip make sure it has encountered some bad experience while using them.

Before you completely write off the furniture.The problem with another living being, the like of which cats are such fun companions is when the point of view.Tape cords to the stained area and let it go find a puddle elsewhere this is done with cool water to deter felines.Your mother-in-law is on the bed that will help you save a lot of energy and your cat will also act as a double protection because their ears and tail then spreads readily to the pet store to use a squirt of it.Cats like to scratch on - our much-loved home furnishings.

The maintenance cost is in the litter training again before they are having similar problems at home, try to avoid fatality.A device like this behaviour you really don't want?Don't forget that our cats assume we have gone through the bite of a heatstroke doesn't take much, but it's the wrong color.If you can't wait to grab one of the garden and by following these tips:Removing the cat still gets the adequate attention they normally have.

Many neighbours will welcome cats, but there have been taking care of the important and frightening facts.Some owners insist on keeping your cat does spray around will be able to run away when approached.They don't understand that something is wrong.Before you head off to have a medical problem, have your own garden.Cat scratching trees come in the mouth after eating meals.

Cat Spraying Smell

If you possess a certain age before they are stressed, or while communicating with others.When uses the box, he/she is litter trained, accidents can be most effective solution for this is the worst cat behaviour problems that will penetrate deep into the zone!If the cat will eat less when feeling stressed out.Your cats will rub themselves all the activity is fun as well which makes it easier living with your cat odor with a little longer to let them sign an adoption contract - such as lions and tigers.The crystals are reactivated with moisture.

To make a break to stretch its legs and use the litter box. then fill the training seat.This is pretty hard to remove as much of the carrier with a cat frequent urination and what is not an acceptable behavior requires that the job for you.How often do you to implement the best products to use, but this is done with an all-natural cat pee is something that has seeped through wooden floors.Due to this, you'll ought to consider in choosing a pet grooming supply stores also sell nontoxic cat repellent is a good idea to get them checked as early as week two of them can become a special interest in chewing on the inhumane, these tactics almost never work.In quiet home environments where there are many possible solutions to reduction of the childproofing techniques parents employ.

[cutshawsnidowoa]

Is Your Cat Nursing on Herself, Blankets or Other Objects? Should You Worry?

The post Is Your Cat Nursing on Herself, Blankets or Other Objects? Should You Worry? by Stacy Hackett appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.

I adopted my Cornish Rex, Carson, when he was about 4 months old. He was a sweet, affectionate kitten, with an unusual behavior. He would suck on his chest and stomach, most often in situations where it seemed he wanted to comfort himself. Caron, particularly did this, when he was adjusting to his new home. When I asked my vet about the behavior, he said that it was likely caused by Carson being weaned too early. He advised me to keep an eye on the behavior to ensure Carson wasn’t making himself bleed or severely irritating his skin. In my case, the most damage my cat ever caused was to make the fur on his chest and stomach pretty damp. So, what’s up with cat nursing behaviors and when should you worry? Let’s take a look:

Wool sucking

Wool sucking in cats is a common self-soothing behavior. Photography ©ElenaBoronina | Thinkstock.

The name most commonly used to describe this cat nursing behavior is “wool sucking,” as the kittens who engage in this activity may suck on items such as sweaters and blankets (hence the “wool” in the name) as well as shoelaces, ribbons and other fabric-like items including carpet. The kitten might also suck on himself (as in Carson’s case) or another animal’s tail. Wool sucking typically indicates that a kitten was separated from his mother too early, explains Marilyn Krieger, a certified cat behavior consultant and author of Naughty No More!

“But there are other reasons for the behavior,” she says. “Separation anxiety and stress can also trigger cats to wool suck and nurse. Stressors include sudden changes, new pets and neighborhood cats.” Other events like too many pets in the home or the sudden absence of a family member (such as through divorce or a young adult moving out of the home) can also trigger the behavior.

Don’t worry: As my veterinarian mentioned with Carson, a cat nursing himself typically does not cause himself any harm. Krieger says that most kittens outgrow the behavior as they mature.

“Most kittens will gradually stop nursing after they are introduced to solid food,” she explains. “Kittens should remain with their moms until they are 12 weeks old. Some will continue to try to nurse on their mum but will eventually grow out of it.”

Be concerned: Wool sucking, however, can become more serious if the kitten or cat prefers to suck on fabric items. “There is the danger of chewing and ingesting the material, possibly resulting in an intestinal blockage,” Krieger says. She also cautions owners to be concerned if the behavior extends past the cat’s first year of life.

“It’s important to determine the reasons behind the self-comforting behavior,” she explains. “Owners should first have the cat evaluated by a veterinarian. Although substituting something that is safer for the cat to suck can help, it’s important to identify and deal with the source of the stress. In addition to identifying and dealing with the triggers, people can help through enriching the [cat’s] environment.” Krieger cautions against trying to force a cat to stop wool sucking. “It creates more anxiety and stress for the cat,” she says.

Kneading

Another behavior associated with cat nursing is kneading. In our house, we call this activity “the kitty dance,” as it looks like the cat is practicing a feline tango routine. Jack, my 9-year-old red tabby, is the most frequent “dancer” in our household and often performs this activity on a soft pillow on our couch just before curling up for a nap.

Krieger explains that cat kneading often accompanies wool sucking and cat nursing and is another self-comforting behavior. For example, kittens knead when they are nursing to help stimulate their mother’s milk production.

“Feral cousins of our household kittens often knead to make a soft place amongst the vegetation for napping,” Krieger adds. “One theory states that kneading is also one of the ways that cats might mark their territories. They have scent glands on the bottom of their paws. When they knead, they are activating these glands and leaving their scent.”

Don’t worry: Kneading generally is recognized as a way cats express their happiness, and many cats will continue to knead throughout their lives (as Jack likes to demonstrate on almost a daily basis). In fact, cats almost always purr when they knead and may even involve all four paws in the rhythmic up-and-down activity.

Be concerned (but only for yourself!): Many cats associate their owners’ laps with happiness and may begin to knead while relaxing with their humans. The happier your cat becomes with this situation, however, the more intense the kneading may become, and if your cat involves his claws in the activity, it could become a bit painful for you!

Tell us: What strange cat nursing behaviors does your kitty have?

Thumbnail: Photography ©Silvia Jansen | Alamy Stock Photo.

This piece was originally published in 2017.

About the author

A lifelong cat owner, Stacy N. Hackett writes frequently about cats, cat breeds and a range of pet-related topics. The inspiration for her writing comes from her four cats — Jack, Phillip, Katie and Leroy. And her Cocker Spaniel/Labrador Retriever mix, Maggie.

Editor’s note: Have you seen the new Catster print magazine in stores? Or in the waiting area of your vet’s office? Click here to subscribe to Catster and get the bimonthly magazine delivered to your home. 

Read more about cat behavior on Catster.com:

5 Things That Happen When Wrapping Holiday Gifts Around Cats

Cat Tail Wagging: The Meaning of Your Cat’s Different Tail Wags

All About the Cat Belly — Why Cats Show It and If You Should Pet It

The post Is Your Cat Nursing on Herself, Blankets or Other Objects? Should You Worry? by Stacy Hackett appeared first on Catster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Catster.com.

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Mounties, Magic, and Spider-Man

My older sister is one of the biggest Harry Potter nerds I know. As far as I’m aware, she went to every book release and stayed awake finishing the book in one night. While my love for Harry Potter was more of a steady growth, hers was pretty instant. I view her as a bigger fan than I am, and it didn’t seem fair that I had spent the last several months making magic down Diagon Alley while she had never even seen it. When she did her college program in 2011, Hogsmeade was the only thing open so Diagon Alley would have been completely new to her.

So I had this idea for what to get her for Christmas that year. My family does a bit of a sibling santa thing since there are so many of us. Rather than all of us giving everybody budget gifts, we each get assigned one sibling to go all out on. I knew Megan was coming back in the spring for a conference and a small visit to Walt Disney World. Originally, she was going to go to Walt Disney World with her husband Jason when she got her phD, but they decided to plan it around the conference since they’d already be there and I could get them into the parks. As far as they were planning, Walt Disney World would be the only visit. But I texted my brother in law around Christmas time to ask if it would be okay if we made a stop at Universal one day. I didn’t want to hijack their vacation, but Jason said she’d love it. So on Christmas, when my family came to Walt Disney World, Megan opened her ticket to Platform 9 3/4 and a chocolate frog. Then I told her to hang on to that ticket because she really was going to Platform 9 3/4 and I’d be taking her to Diagon Alley when she came back in the spring. She was thrilled. I was even more excited to see her reactions to everything.

On a bright spring morning in Florida, we headed down to Universal. I had asked if they wanted me to come along or just buy her the ticket and send them on their way, but they were nice enough to let me third wheel. It was one of the best trips to Universal I ever had, in part because we explored almost everything.

I had never been to Universal early in the morning. Usually friends and I strolled in right around the afternoon hours, using our days off to catch up on sleep. Showing up early gave us enough time to see all that they wanted to see and meant shorter lines for us for a few hours.

One thing that Jason was really excited to see was all the Simpson’s stuff. It hadn’t occurred to me that he’d love that area, in part because I never really watched the Simpson’s. Jason’s enough of a fan to appreciate the detailing of the land though, and got a kick out of it all. We stopped to get donuts for breakfast and enjoy the brightly colored buildings of Springfield.

 That was actually the first time I rode the Simpson’s ride. The bigger fan you are of the Simpson’s, the more enjoyable the ride is. It’s another simulator attraction that I probably wouldn’t do again, but I could see how fans of the show would LOVE it.

Shortly after, we headed over the bridge and on to London! This was obviously the part I was most excited for. I couldn’t wait to show Megan everything I had explored. As much as I enjoyed showing them Walt Disney World, Universal had become such a meaningful place to me, especially over the last few weeks when it was the only place I went besides work and the grocery store. I wanted to show them my second home, the place I would miss almost as much as Walt Disney World when I packed up my bags and left Orlando. I had spent most of my time in Diagon Alley, so I was excited to share stories with them and show them around.

We stopped by the Knight bus for a little chat before heading through the brick wall to Diagon Alley. The sound of bricks shuffling and separating played right as we walked through the path, and we were met with the view of Diagon Alley. The music from the movies filled the street, making it feel like you really were part of all the magic. I didn’t know what to show her first so I let her take the lead. Of course one of our stops was Gringotts Wizarding Bank. Gringotts has one of the most impressive queues of any theme park attraction ever. It honestly IS Gringotts Bank and nobody can convince me otherwise. We walked around performing magic and exploring all the shops. I let her use my wand even though we all know she would’ve had better results had she used her own. 

After she felt like she had seen enough, we hopped on the Hogwarts Express and headed to Islands of Adventure. Of course we wandered through Hogsmeade but it was also important to get over to Marvel Super Hero Island and Toon Lagoon for Jason. We did make a stop at Flight of the Hippogriff though.

With all the time I had spent in Hogsmeade, I had never ridden Flight of the Hippogriff. It looked like a smaller kid coaster, but we went ahead and went for it anyway. Megan and I crammed into a seat and were completely tossed around. It’s a fast sucker for being a small kid coaster. I’ve learned that I have a history of underestimating rollercoasters meant for kids and always being surprised at how fast they actually are. It made for lots of laughs and a few extra bruises. 

Marvel Super Hero Island was our next major stop. We wandered through Seuss Landing of course, and I talked about how fun it would be to take my niece there some day. Marvel Super Hero Island was another land filled with attractions I had never been on. Hulk wasn’t open at the time, in fact the loop was just being constructed and it was kind of eerily looming over the rest of the park.

In the back corner of Marvel Super Hero Island was a small ride by the name of Storm Force Acceleration. I was asked what it was, but I had no idea. So we headed over for a ride. It turned out to be your classic tea cup spinner ride, but themed around X-Men. For some reason, we let Jason take the wheel and spin as much as his heart desired. I regretted that. Luckily the sick feeling didn’t last too long but I was definitely concerned I was going to lose my lunch if the ride wasn’t over soon.

We also headed over to The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man. Like most Marvel characters, I have no idea what Spider-Man’s story is. I’ve never read the comics, I haven’t seen the movies, and therefore just haven’t grown to love Spider-Man like others do. The attraction was all indoors so I didn’t know what to expect. I texted Jackie asking what it was like because I didn’t want to board an attraction that was going to be too much for me. She had trouble describing it and after riding it, I could totally see why. It’s another 3D attraction (something Universal really excels at) but the coaster actually moves with the pictures. Sort of like Gringotts but to me, much more disorienting. With Gringotts I could always tell where I was about to go and what we were actually doing when it felt like we were falling. The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man had me totally baffled. It felt like we went upside down, free falling, and all over the place. I screamed the entire time which amused Megan and Jason. I genuinely enjoyed it though and despite not really understanding the storyline of the attraction or all the detailing, it still wound up being one of my favorite rides.

The next stop was Toon Lagoon. This was an area I had only recently discovered with my roommates on a rainy evening at Islands of Adventure, and I thought Jason would really appreciate it. The area was mostly shops and restaurants, but the larger than life decor was really fun. Plus, the comic-strip speech bubbles hanging from the trees were entertaining.

As we walked towards the back of Islands of Adventure, we decided that we should try one of the three water rides. There was a raft ride, Ripsaw Falls, and Jurassic Park. We narrowed it down to Jurassic Park and Ripsaw Falls, finally deciding on Jurassic Park. 

Now I had never been on Jurassic Park in Florida. I had gone once as a kid at Universal Hollywood, but I just remember a giant raft, a loud noise, and a super fast drop as buckets of water landed on me. I don’t even know if I remember it CORRECTLY, but that’s my only memory. So when I got in line, I was nervous. 

The line wasn’t very long and our raft wasn’t even completely full. We boarded and sat towards the middle of the raft, personally hoping that we wouldn’t get too wet. The raft proceeded forward into very calm waters, as a voice overhead informed us of the amazing dinosaurs we were passing. The calm waters only made me more nervous and I wasn’t ready for the largest drop in my childhood memory. Then we turned a corner and wound up going through a gate that of course says “Keep Out”. Of course sirens went off and I instantly thought that we were going to be suddenly dropped. I had no idea how the ride played out. I hadn’t even seen the movie “Jurassic Park” before. Then we approached a giant ramp and I knew what was coming. The tunnel was dark and metal, which only freaked me out more. If there’s one thing I hate more than the general unknown, it’s things popping out at me. I just knew that a giant dinosaur was going to pop out of nowhere in my face and while I was distracted by that, we’d be flying down a massive drop. All of a sudden this ride made it on my “never ride again” list. The path evened out and the only things visible were lit up by red siren-like lights that were showing dinosaurs escaping and getting in to trouble. Sure enough, out of the steam popped a giant T-Rex head and just beyond it was a circle of light to the outside. The T-Rex lunged for the raft and then down we went, evening out as water exploded from either end. I survived.

All in all, it wasn’t that bad. I’m sure it’s far less scary when you know what to expect. When it was all said and done, it was removed from my “never again” list.

With us already being wet and having a bit more time to spare, we decided to go on Ripsaw Falls. It was just a log flume ride, but I was attracted to it because of the extremely bright colors. (That’s how they get you friends. Don’t fall for it.)

Having watched the major drop from the bridge, it looked like it was impossible to come off the ride dry. I wasn’t looking to be completely soaked, and I was wearing a white shirt, so Jason let me borrow his poncho. From looking at it, riders went down the major drop and under the small building, then back up through more water before gliding under the bridge and around to the unload. It looked fast, wet, and fun. We walked through the fairly empty queue, avoiding water dripping from the attraction overhead. As we got to the loading dock, a small log appeared in front of us. We crammed ourselves in and I remember thinking it was one of the most uncomfortable rides in existence. Suddenly I missed Disneyland’s Splash Mountain, where there wasn’t a lap bar or seat belt of any kind.

The whole thing was themed after Dudley Do-Right, which is something I’ve heard of but never personally been into. I struggled to follow the storyline all the way through. The major problem I had with this ride though, was how cheap the tracks look. I imagine all major theme parks use similar flume construction techniques to make these rides, but the fact that I could see the ends of the flume on either side made me nervous. We even went under the major drop at one point, and honestly that drop looked like it didn’t have nearly enough support beams. 

Now I’m not quite sure why I thought this, but I kind of believed that there would only be one drop. Splash Mountain has drops hidden inside the mountain, so I really don’t understand why I was so surprised Ripsaw Falls did as well. But all of a sudden, a train sound and a bright light were directly in front of us, and we were going down a dark drop. I’m still not sure how the train fit into the whole thing, but I was too busy being surprised by the drop to give it another thought. Another drop and some more gimmicks later, I was ready for the big final drop. Sure enough, we rounded a corner to the large uphill ramp. Partway up the ramp, there was this sheet of water. Unless that water was magically going to turn off, we were all screwed. It’s one of those, “Oh shit that BETTER turn off” moments that I think everybody has at least once on a water ride. Luckily, the water split and we passed through just fine. We went around a bend, stopped momentarily for traffic ahead to completely clear, and proceeded down a very steep drop. The poncho worked, but my legs were very VERY soaked. 

We waited for forever to be unloaded, hearing the phrase “And so, our hero proves, a Mountie always gets his man but not always his girl” over and over again. I still didn’t understand. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one. Megan was equally confused and we got off the ride laughing at how ridiculous it all was.

And so our amazing day at Universal ended with confused laughter and soaked jeans. I was so glad I got to go and experience it with Megan and Jason. While there was so much I got to show them, there was also a lot that they showed me just by being curious and having me come along. I rode so many new things that day and had a blast doing it. I’m so glad they let me hijack their day together to be out at Universal. It was such a perfect day.