#also but really one of the hardest and saddest realizations is 'they care just not in the way i need'

[whereistheonepiece]

Learned this the hard way this year! And I can say confidently that this has been the worst year of my life, but I can also say it wasn't for nothing because it's forced me to grow and work on changing myself so I don't make myself needlessly suffer when people act like...people.

Going into 2025, I'm done putting my hand in the fire.

[semiweirdshipper]

Hello, I have been following your work for a long time, and every time I read your fan fiction with a sinking heart. The way you convey emotions, feelings, character of the characters is just perfect! And I have read your "My Saddest Journey" more than five times.

I would like to ask, if it's not difficult for you, to write some Headcannons on this fan fiction.

I'm not insisting, sorry in advance for the trouble, I'm just a little in love ❤️

Hi murmiss. I would like to say, first, that I am sorry for denying your request in the beginning. "My Saddest Journey" is a very sensitive topic for me and when I'm asked about it I tend to get emotional. But! I decided to go ahead and provide you with some headcanons. I hope they satisfy you.

...

First: How do Frank, Ji-woon and Danny feel after everything that happened?

Well they all feel differently. Ji-woon is mostly in the fog and doesn't think much about it. Frank is pouty and very grudgemental towards the reader for a number of reasons, and he may stand to cause some unfortunate trouble in the future. As for Danny- oh, Danny. After seeing how bad the reader has it- and after having a private, sneaky conversation with them- he develops an attraction towards them, a desire to protect them and claim them as his own. But too bad! The reader doesn't like him. Can he fix that though? We'll see.

...

How does papa Evan feel?

After seeing just how bad the reader is effected, Evan asks Freddy to share what memories of theirs he witnessed, and he realizes a few things. (Plus Herman gave him a very lengthy lecture about how he would wrestle him if he was mean to the reader again). Evan will want to right his wrongs and get to know the reader better.

But do you know how difficult that will be? The reader does not trust him at all. In fact they're so scared to go around him that they more or less entice the Dredge to show up thus causing more bad memories and chaos. Evan is going to have to approach this reader as if they were an abused cat. (Gentle Evan is the best Evan). Once he can get them to talk and share their similarities, there will be fluff and comfort.

...

The reader opens up faster to the father figures than they do the love interests. This is meant to be practical and funny, but also an indicator of their trauma. Let's use Herman for example because he's head over heels for the reader, and he really is trying his hardest to charm them, but all he gets is polite, cold shoulders in response. And then there's Evan and all he has to do is pat their head and they instantly melt into his arms. Screw you Evan! Kidding, we love our papa bear.

...

The introduction of Wesker. This will happen much later on but it will be big. Not only will we get to see a completely different side of the reader, but so will Wesker who pretty much gets his arse beat during a trial with them. He's obviously interested after that and wants to learn more about them. The reader picks up on his naughty energy and politely tells him off, but Wesker relents until the reader more or less snaps and humiliates him. "Look, I don't find you attractive, ok? Now please leave me alone. You are making me uncomfortable."

Sucks to be you, Wesker. Can you see Herman smirking in the background? Oh yes you can. Don't worry though, he's not finished. Wesker always gets what he wants. Right?

...

Micheal being an overprotective, possessive goof. After learning just how sweet, modest and caring this reader is, he can't help but to stake his claim. "Go away. This is MY traumatized hooman. Get your own." Oh Michael... But Michael's kindness and gentility will help the reader relax and open up in many ways.

...

Ok, this headcanon is one I'm not quite sure if I'll use or not, but I thought it was funny so I'll go ahead and share. It's called the "lift" experiment. Basically the killers want to see if carrying the sad survivors will keep the Dredge away. For example, Michael holding the reader bridal style in his arms for an hour.

This idea is meant to be purely silly, but it could also help the reader open up to touch. Like a trust exercise. I was going to use the biggest boys for it, and some of them fight over who can carry the reader because the reader is modest, quiet and sweet and won't cause them trouble. Who will get to them first, you know? Lol, it's just a silly thought. You guys can tell me if it's worth writing.

...

Then we have Jeffrey and Caleb who will be the group that the reader is officially placed in next. And those two will be the ultimate father figures. Lots and lots and lots of fluff. Jeffrey also knows which other killers' like the reader romantically and purposely makes them jealous by openly cuddling the reader in public or giving them kisses on their forehead and stuff like that. Let's not forget how insanely protective these two killers are. Eeeek! I can't wait to write them, but it's honestly going to be a while and I'm very slow updating that story.

...

There's some headcanons. I hope you enjoyed. Again I apologize for being sensitive. I hope you're doing well and have an amazing day ❤️

[goneahead]

I was tagged by @radiowrites and @stephmcx thank you♥️!!

Hi! I am @goneahead on tumblr. I am also goneahead on A03 and goneahead over on dreamwidth (see links in my pinned post - my internet has gone wonky again)

So, this was definitely not one of my better years. I have three WIPs and while I plodded away at all three, I was never happy enough to post new chapters.

What’s really sad is I finally hit 1 million words posted on dreamwidth—and then I pretty much struck out this year. I’m mostly posting this cuz I think its good for newer writers to realize that yes, even experienced writers have years where things just go all pear-shaped.

My grand total for fanfic was: 1,513😳

I don’t keep track of my poetry word count, but I started the year writing poem #926 and ended the year writing poem #947

Total Number of Fanfics: about 150

Total Number Of Completed Works: this year? 0

Total Number of WIPS worked on this year: 3

How Many WIPs do you still have: 4

Looking back, did you write more than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? Much less. In fact, this year was pretty much a bust.

Did you take any writing risks this year? Well considering I spent all year writing three fics and wasnt happy enough to post anything….

Biggest Surprise: I would love to say I was surprised at how little I posted, but I am a disorganized idjit and—yeah. nobody is shocked.

Biggest Disappointment: see above😆

Do you have any writing goals for the new year? Finish Home verse. Let’s see how that goes….

Fanfiction Questions Below! (if you don’t write fanfiction feel free to skip or rework the questions for your original works.)

Fandoms I’ve written in this year? Hawaii Five-0

Your most popular story of the year? sadly, I didn’t post a new story, just a poem and a tiny addition to another verse.

The story that was easiest/or most fun to write? Still enjoying my MIB AU. Now if I could actually finish it…

Hardest story to write: Lead Me Through the Fire from 2022 was one of those fics where all the different pieces of the plot had to fit together just so. I spent more time than I’d like to admit second-guessing myself on how I arranged the chapters.

Your sweetest funniest story: I have a soft spot for Hawaii Five-0’s Eric Russo. The character is very funny and often wildly inappropriate. I wrote a scene in one of my WIPs where Eric is just soooo Eric

Your saddest scene: I didn’t write anything sad this year.

The sexiest moment you’ve written this year? again, nada.

Your favorite tag: diplomatic javelining😆

Most unintentionally telling story: hmmm. I can’t think of anything too revealing in my fic? Except a tendency to write too many AUs?

Are any of your fics named after/heavily inspired by music? Yes. A lot of my fics have their own playlists and that music definitely influenced those fics. I don’t usually share these songs—or name my fics after songs—because I listen to a lot of obscure stuff most people have never heard of.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? I continued to get a lot of interesting and thought-provoking comments on Care and Feeding of a Super SEAL this year. There are many amazing fix-it fics for S10xE22 written by insanely talented writers—so its crazy and humbling that people are continuing to read and comment on mine.

Fanfiction risks you took this year? sadly, none.

My favorite part of fandom this year: We had new people join our fandom!

You know, I really don’t get what has happened to fandoms these last few years. It used to be that fans just shrugged and continued to write, create, and have fun—even their fandom didn’t have any new content being made. Am I the only one who thinks its weird that most fans now book it for the nearest exit as soon as a show is canceled or a movie series is over?

letsee, tagging um, @cowandcalf @bennyokelly @itwoodbeprefect @stellagioia @redgoldblue

[jinsoulfromlewna]

𝗣𝗬𝗥𝗔𝗠𝗜𝗗 𝗚𝗔𝗠𝗘'𝗦 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗒𝗈𝗎

𝗌𝗒𝗉𝗇𝗈𝗌𝗂𝗌 how the pyramid game characters show they're undying love for you! as subtle as it may be or as obvious as possible

𝖺/n god this kdrama is SOO good! i know it's a bit new but i got sad at the lack of fics ;(

btw, eunjueng n yerim don't like eachother here (boooo!!)

S𝖴𝖭𝖦 𝖲𝖮𝖮-𝖩𝖨

this main character almost curses herself for falling in love with you! i mean, sure, you're talented, nice.. amazing.. pretty.. but she's trying to destroy the pyramid game! and you're distracting her so much. maybe talking to you and sitting next to you in half of your classes will help, yeah!

she sweats, trying to start any small talk with you. of course, it's not obvious at all. sooji has a talent of acting calm and stuff. when she asks you the time, and you turn on your phone to reveal the time and coincidentally, what song your headphones are playing, she quickly makes a conversation with you about the artist. you quickly become friends.

but like.. it's just for you to join them in defeating the game! at least that's what she tells jaeun.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

𝖬𝖸𝖤𝖮𝖭𝖦 𝖩𝖠-𝖤𝖴𝖭

ja-eun has always liked you, you were the only reason she kinda.. stayed alive during her continuous years of being grade F. you (mostly) always stayed in grade C but even if you moved into D, or even F, you were always with her. one time, you actually moved into the F grade with her and she won't ever forget how you giggled on the floor with her after getting beat up.

she hated that moment, but loved seeing you giggling over the saddest things, really.

she always admired you a lot, and that special friendship slowly turned into love. she would feel special as you reject your other, more popular, friends to eat with the school's outcast.

you were one of the first people she brought home, and you even called her mom once! though, it hurt when you introduced yourself as her friend. she wanted to be more, so, so badly.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

𝖡𝖠𝖤𝖪 𝖧𝖠-𝖱𝖨𝖭

harin never really.. liked you. you thought, because she would always stare at you with that lifeless, shiver inducing stare. you never really understood why everyone liked her so much because of this.

but it was all wrong, harin liked you a whole lot. but god knows she would rather die than admit that. she's secretly praying for the day you confess your secret love for her, as you ramble how you were too shy to say so because she's so rich and popular and pretty, and then she interrupts you with a kiss and-

"ha-rin! c'mon, let's go to lunch!"

ugh. well, fantasies aside, you were already hers the moment she stared into those beautiful orbs of yours.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

𝖨𝖬 𝖸𝖤-𝖱𝖨𝖬

this idol trainee has always been head over heels for you since you two met! she found you very interesting to say the least, and having lunch with you and eunjeong has.. made her realize some things. like her sexuality

but she brushes it off, not wanting to ruin the friendship you have. to show her love (in a normal, 100% platonic way) constantly buys you stuff like snacks you seem to enjoy, or gifts you might like. she also invites you on shopping sprees, on "friend dates", or to her house to have a sleepover together! or yours, she wouldn't mind either

just be careful when ogling something you want or even show the minimum interest in when on a hangout with her, because you will find it on your desk the day after. maybe with a letter... a flower or two.. or a dozen..

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

𝖲𝖤𝖮 𝖣𝖮-𝖠𝖧

probably the hardest to catch on to. she's a bit cold and tough to crack but after she realizes the tad crush she has on you, it'll be easier to talk with her. if you're lucky you might even get a moment of her smiling!

she always pressures you to study for finals or midterms, well, exams in general. she video calls you sometimes but like, just to be sure you're doing that project due thursday at first period, not because she wants to see that cute little face of yours- i mean, what?

even after all that pressure from her to study, you don't do it as much as she does, so when the teacher isn't looking you whisper into her ear. "do-ah, what's the answer to number 17?" and while she usually never replies when it's someone else, she can make an excuse for you. "a." she whispers back.

after the exam results, you two walk out of school together, you were going to say farewell but she interrupts you. "hey. you owe me for giving you the answer." do-ah was never the one to do things like that, but you complied. "how about a dat- uh, a hangout at a restaurant o-or the movies?" you smiled. getting close to her, you whisper in her ear. "to a restaurant, ey? hehe, a date it is."

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

𝖡𝖠𝖭𝖦 𝖶𝖮𝖮-𝖩𝖨

this cutesy girl had the biggest friend crush on you since you met! i mean you were so pretty and kind, who wouldn't wanna be your friend?! she'd try and eat lunch with you everyday, she'd sit next to you whenever she can (in and out of class) and just really tries to spend time with you whenever she can!

as you get more used to her being all over you all the time, you give in and accept being her friend. i mean, it's not like you ignored her but you kinda thought she was weird and stuff. yet now, she's one of your best friends!

she's with you at all times, and you were there for her when baek ha-rin yelled at her and you were there when she didn't have anyone. when you hugged her, and said everything was going to be okay, wiping her tears as you stared into her eyes, she knew you were the one.

the one for her. she smiled. <3

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

𝖪𝖨𝖬 𝖣𝖠-𝖸𝖤𝖮𝖭

while she's an absolute bitch to everyone else, that changes completely when you're around. she even gets a bit lively, but obviously she's still super mean, in a teasing way!!

she hooks an arm around your shoulder as you two walk together to class, cutting off anyone who wants to try and flirt with you. whenever she's bullying a grade F, just tell her to hangout with you, especially in that tone when she can tell you're sad about her actions, she'll leave them alone immediately.

you're one of the only people she goes to so she can vent and stuff, a lot of times she goes to your house (when your parents aren't around, obviously) and smokes or drinks liquor as she talks about her problems. you're a real comfort for her, well, your presence in general is.

if you ever get into grade F (unlikely, because she has like over half the class threatened to vote for you plus your friends and her), let's say the 'bullying' is a bit different. you guys are just friends, yeah, but she still teases you by saying stuff like how about you give me a kiss?

and well, who are you to reject what a grade A says, right?

written by @jinsoulfromlewna. please do not repost or translate without consent.

[smurf-myoun]

A pretentious analysis and retrospective of my own fucking work:

(As a treat, of course.)

I've been attempting to get back into writing as self care. So, of course, I'm re-reading (and editing for grammatical errors in Go Back to Bed) my fanfics on ao3, as I appear to have lost their original word documents in the hellpit that is my OneDrive. God forbid Microsoft do its fucking job I guess?

Of Monsters and Mice

Go Back to Bed, You're Only Dreaming

Warning for discussion of character trauma, though at a very basic surface level, and comparisons to my own real life person trauma. There shouldn't be any major spoilers for either fic, or anything really triggering, but just in case I put this under the line break, if I did my formatting correctly. Triggers tagged in my fics can be assumed to apply here.

And I started to realize that the premises of my fics are really, really close. I mean, I knew that of course. It's why I gave myself so much shit for starting to write Go Back to Bed.

But, as I was just writing down comparisons between Blue and Olivia, quietly kicking myself for writing the same protagonist twice in a row, and then actually publishing them in two separate works on ao3, I realized that they are similar in very few ways. This is news to me.

Because, you know, yeah, they're both women transported from 2022 (the same year, even!) in our world (er, well, not actually our world, but our world adjacent I guess?) to the world of The Vampire Diaries. It's even around the same time, shortly before the ball. They're both traumatized, both college students, both supernaturally different in ways they don't fully understand, and both clearly have some kind of anxiety disorder.

But I surprised myself in that, despite their similarities, they're different characters and different stories. I desperately wanted them to be different, but was terrified they'd be fundamentally the same.

Blue and Olivia both have trauma stemming from a young age, this is true about them both. But their trauma is very different, and they both react to being traumatized in different ways. Blue is sad and anxious, desperate to not be hurt anymore, and doing anything to make sure pain doesnt happen again. Olivia is angry and anxious, and desperately clinging to what scraps she can gather in ways that are, quite frankly, destructive to herself and her relationships.

One thing that hit me hardest, looking at them both, is that they both share, more than anything else, a palpable loneliness.

In Olivia, it is highlighted by the loyal friends and supporters she is surrounded with and can't bring herself to lean on for support, or trust with all of her, even the nastiest parts. (Especially the darkest, deepest parts.)

In Blue, it is highlighted in the fact that she is terribly, tooth-achingly alone. Olivia has always been other, alienated by circumstance, but Blue had her otherness thrust upon her in the same way her status as a supernatural being was thrust upon her- violently and with very little warning, by someone who aimed to hurt her beyond repair.

I think the saddest part about both of them is I can see myself in them both, like they were chunks of my trauma carefully carved and molded into homunculi of story. I've been both Blue and Olivia, and I think the order in which they were created is also the order I was them- Blue first, then Olivia.

... literally none of this was intentional.

[studyingsobriety]

Relapsing

Relapsing. For non-addicts, “addiction” is the big and scary word. For recovering addicts, “relapse” is the real big and scary word. 

So let’s start with the basics. What is a relapse?

If you’re not familiar with the word, I suggest doing a little researching on the topic, but here is a link to a basic definition and explanation of a relapse.

As the article mentions, relapsing is totally normal for recovering addicts. Trying to quit an old habit and be totally done it with it forever is scary, and very hard needless to say. Plus, for lots of recovering addicts, including myself, the relapsing process is a huge growth experience. 

That being said, I am not at all condoning, suggesting, or recommending ANYONE to relapse. Experiencing a relapse is not fun, which I will get into here in a moment. If you feel perfectly fine being sober, don’t try a relapse just on a whim. I promise you, you will regret it. But what if you are feeling like relapsing?

Before I get too into what it’s like experiencing a relapse or how handle a relapse, let me tell you something that may blow your mind: A relapse begins weeks or even months before the action of using again happens. It’s crazy, right? So let’s say right now, you’re experiencing high cravings and you’re really thinking about giving in. Your relapse process has already started...probably days or weeks before you even started getting the cravings. 

A relapse is a process that happens over months or weeks. A process full of occasional triggers (external and internal, like emotions) and behaviors that feed into your cravings.

Here is how the process works in 10 stages (they don’t always have to happen in this order):

1. Denial - You’re concerned about your wellbeing, but you’re in denial of that concern. 

2. Avoidance & Defensive Behaviors - You may start worrying about others more than yourself. You may also experience impulsive or compulsive behaviors. 

3. Crisis Building - You may experience tunnel vision due to anxiety and/or depression. You’ll start to lack in planning things out, and when you do try to plan things out, you fail to do them.

4. Immobilization - You may find yourself “checking out” a lot or daydreaming.

5. Confusion and Overreaction - You feel confused about how you’re feeling and may also feel irritated.

6. Depression - You’ll experience a lack of routine and poor eating and sleeping habits.

7. Behavioral Loss of Control - You’ll start rejecting help from anyone. If you’re in a support group or recovery program, you may stop attending meetings.

8. Recognition of Loss of Control - You’ll realize you’ve lost control of your behavior. You’ll isolate yourself, pity yourself, and possibly lie to others saying you’re fine.

9. Option Reduction - You may stop getting help or treatment. You’ll resent sobriety. You’ll tell yourself the only ways out of this is by suicide or using again.

10. Relapse Episode - The relapse episode is when you finally use, causing bio-psycho-socio damage to your nervous system. 

Here are some signs the you or a recovering addict is slipping into the relapse process:

- expressing doubt

- depression or anxiety

- anti-social

- surrounding yourself with substance use

- saying you have it “under control”

- experiencing unfamiliar emotions

- all or nothing thinking (for example: well I already took a small sip, one glass wouldn’t hurt)

- change in attitude about sobriety (for example: it’s not worth staying sober)

- constant stress and lack of healthy coping mechanisms

- change in routine

Here are some behaviors that may feed into your cravings:

- poor diet

- excessive caffeine or nicotine

- lack of exercise 

- poor stress management

- euphoric recalls of usage

- awfulizing abstinence

- magical thinking about using

- empowering cravings (giving it more power and control over yourself; too hard to resist)

- denial and evasion (denying the recovery programs are helpful)

- social conflicts

- lack of communication 

Now that we’ve talked some about what can lead up to a relapse, here’s the real question: How do I stop myself from relapsing?

- BE AWARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS!!!

- recognize your triggers

- again, be aware of your emotions(!!!) and identify your behaviors. Are you feeling extra anxious or depressed? Are you no longer following through with your plans or routine?

- get busy! Fill your time with things that are proactive, things that will trigger the happy chemicals in your brain. Play with your pet, exercise, cook something, paint something (even if it’s ugly), do something!

- self care--PUT YOURSELF FIRST! You simply cannot take care of others as well as you could if you’re taking care of yourself! Drink water, get enough sleep, do things you enjoy, read a book!

- keep working toward your sobriety, even if you don’t want to

- maintain sober relationships. When you’re feeling anti-social, FORCE YOURSELF to reach out!

- know and avoid these setup behaviors I mentioned earlier

- when you get that euphoric recall, dismantle it. Yes, it may have felt amazing, but think about all the damage it’s caused.

- when you get a craving, wait it out. Cravings usually don’t last for longer than 30 minutes. Talk it out with a friend. Distract yourself by doing something else.

- finally, don’t shame yourself for getting a craving. Cravings are normal, no matter how long you’ve been sober. Accept your craving as normal, then go do something else!

Now that we’ve talked about what builds up to a relapse and how to prevent it from happening, what if you’ve already relapsed?

If you’re anything like me, or most addicts who relapse, you’re probably feeling very guilty and shameful. Whether your relapse happened just last night or it happened a month ago and you’ve been hiding your everyday usage from everyone...what you’re going through mentally and emotionally (and probably physically too) is a lot. 

The hardest part of a relapse is being honest about it, especially if you’ve been using for some time and have been hiding it. I once lied to my friends, family, support group, and therapists about my days sober for 2 weeks straight until it broke me. But something someone in my group said stuck with me: “Secrets keep us sick.” It’s true. After lying to everyone about my sobriety for those two weeks, the thought of lying one more time turned my stomach upside down. And I was killing myself with shame, guilt, and drugs more and more and more. 

The saddest part of a relapse are the reactions you’ll get when you are honest. You’ll get lots of “thank you for being honest with me” and “I know it took a lot of courage to come out and say that.” But you’ll lose a lot of trust in some people as well. People who don’t get it will blow up on you. Some people may be so upset they’ll say they can’t trust you anymore. What those people don’t know is that those aren’t the reactions we need at the moment. If you’re coming out about a relapse, you’re probably feeling loads of shame and guilt, and it’s hard not to continue to feel that way when others feed into it. You may even start to feel like losing hope. 

But please don’t do that. The BIGGEST thing to know if you’ve just relapsed, is that it’s perfectly normal, that you can’t change what you’ve done in the past so there’s no point on dwelling on it, and that all you can do is move forward from here. What does that look like to you? Moving forward? It’s different for everyone, but it’s a question you should ask yourself. I’ll tell you this, it’s going to require lots of patience and hard work to stay sober. You’re going to have to really prove yourself to some people to regain that trust back. And it’s going to take lots of time, some longer than for others. Patience. It’s a growing process, you’re just experiencing the growing pains. Just keep doing your best. Your best is enough. :)

[keyofjetwolf]

We’re All Just Guys

Well it took the entire fucking season, but I FINALLY get the purpose for Henry Fondle: Sex Robot. And while the entire episode (and season, honestly) has been tremendous, that this ridiculous fucking punchline was the vehicle to deliver the overarching point with a solid knockout punch of meaning AND pathos? Absolutely floored. That BoJack Horseman can be (and often is) brilliant isn’t a surprise, but the ways is keeps proving it often are.

So “The Stopped Show”, a tale of accountability and responsibility and how we’re all just guys.

Each of our main characters closes out this season alone (sort of), in assorted stages of realizing the main themes, or completely failing to. I find Diane’s arc the hardest for me to make a decision on, which isn’t surprising, as I think in many ways, Diane’s the most complicated character in the show. She delivers, directly and succinctly, one of the major points of not just this season but the entire show, but how does it relate to her? I’M NOT COMPLETELY SURE. I think part of the problem with (and for) Diane is that she knows better. She’s the most insightful character, she has a fantastic head on her shoulders, but only for everyone else. She’s this fucked up little disaster prophet, her vision clear and her message concise, unable to ever apply her gifts to fix herself.

Diane is just as trapped as BoJack, but in a fun twist, is now lagging behind him in trying to do something about it. Nearly every single scene with Diane this season has been in this sad little room of her sad little apartment with all her sad little unpacked boxes, and no matter how much truth and wisdom she spits out, HERE SHE STILL IS, failing to correctly assemble IKEA furniture with names like Bȧcksleid. She already feels like shit for sleeping with Mr. Peanutbutter, so what does she do? THE SAME FUCKING THING. To which I groan and roll my eyes, while simultaneously being proud of her for directly and immediately setting him straight about not getting back together. Diane rides this constant line where she gets it but also doesn’t, which is so interesting to me in the level of additional frustration this makes me feel. BoJack is so self-absorbed you don’t really expect any better of him, which has the flip side of your expectations being so low that even the whiff of progress feels exceptional. Diane doesn’t come with any of that though, she knows better, you KNOW she knows better, and the consequence of this for the audience is that she winds up being more unlikeable than the guy who literally last episode nearly strangled his girlfriend and co-star in the middle of a paranoid drug-induced frenzy.

Which is fucked up! It’s intensely fucked up! And also, I think, the point! We expect more of Diane, and so feel more disappointed when she doesn’t deliver. Is that fair of us?

But there’s more here, as we pivot to the accountability portion of this episode/season. From the beginning of the show, it’s been incredibly upfront about how everything is unfair. We come back to this time and again. Privilege rules the day in the world of Hollywoo. Fame, money, charisma, gender, power. BoJack has been an asshole from pretty much the moment he set foot in the spotlight (possibly before?), and the only thing ever even attempting to hold him back has been the moments his guilt manages to scream loud enough to be heard over his internal narrative. Whatever he does, however he fucks up, he always stumbles back to his feet, and NEVER with any (broad scale) consequences. Meanwhile, here’s Diane, in her sad shitty apartment. Consequences haunt Diane, even if she’s the one doing the haunting. The crap things she’s done and the shitty choices she’s made cling to her.

There’s no fairness in that either, no justice. But Hollywoo (and the entire world around it) (and our world too oh yes) has that privilege carved into its bones, and Diane bears none of its marks. Her situation is very different from but parallel to Gina, who is just so fucked over, it keeps legitimately making me angry for her.

Gina, of course, brought none of this on herself. She made the mistake of caring about BoJack and trying to help him. OOPS YOU WERE A GENEROUS PERSON WITH AN OPEN HEART FUCK YOU LADY. For her trouble, Gina has been assaulted and traumatized, AND she is in very real danger of her career being over when it’s only just finally beginning. And she KNOWS THIS. That’s the part that I keep coming back to. All this should be an aberration, an anomaly, and while that may be true of the specifics, conceptually, it’s so commonplace that Gina already knows how it’s going to play. She’ll stop being Gina and become The Woman Nearly Strangled To Death By BoJack Horseman. Even if she’s able to keep working, this is what she’ll be asked about in every interview forever. Even if she convinced people to genuinely listen to her, BoJack would, at worst, get a slap on the wrist as he stumbles back to his feet. We know that, WE ALL KNOW THAT, because it happens all. the. fucking. time. Gina did nothing wrong, but this would still define her for the rest of her life, while for BoJack, it would maybe become a footnote on his Wikipedia page.

Nothing about that is FAIR. Nothing about it is JUST. Gina’s choices shouldn’t have to be “this becomes my entire life” or “swallow this down and pretend it never happened”. But it is, as it has been in perpetuity for the victims of the privileged.

So then what can we do about it? Well that’s really the question, isn’t it? This episode answers it in an assortment of ways (I think the entire SHOW is very much about this, really, but this episode is for sure coming with guns blazing), while also showing us why none of those answers can work. It’s funny and sad and awful and true, but also, ultimately, the most hopeful answer because it’s the only one you can actually affect: It’s you. It’s me. It’s each and every one of us, individually, making a choice to be better.

And believe it or not, we embody this with Henry Fondle: Sex Robot.

I thought the whole thing was so unbelievably stupid. Half the season, we’ve had this goddamn multi-dildo’d juvenile frat boy joke running around with its stupid ass Speak-and-Say voice, doing the same shtick over and over, and I’m like, “okay this is just the shit I have to put up with to get the clever stuff, I guess.” BUT THAT’S EXACTLY THE POINT I’M SITTING THERE LIVING THE ENTIRE GODDAMN POINT AND MISSING IT. Henry Fondle: Sex Robot is seventeen shades of overt horribleness, AND WE ALL JUST GIVE IT A PASS. It’s just the way it is, the way the world works, the price of doing business. When the whole time -- THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME -- all it took was one person to say no. One person who could see the game we all are playing and was willing to give up everything to stop it.

Hilariously, Henry Fondle IS a metaphor, sort of, but of the saddest kind. He is literally a robot, he can’t possibly change. What’s more, media fervor will never affect him, fallout will never touch him, and the powerful will always rally around themselves to retain their power. It takes Todd, the head of the company, the creator of Henry Fondle, and the one person who would benefit most from the unending efforts of the rest of the world bending over backwards to avoid the truth, to put a stop to it. In doing so, he immediately returns to his old, homeless, destitute self, but doesn’t once hesitate or look back.

It’s Todd, and only Todd, that stops that madness, because while individual people are a problem, the world at large is too. Stefani makes a great point that Diane holds herself and everyone else to impossible standards and a little forgiveness and grace wouldn’t go amiss, but when Diane suggests they apply that philosophy to their clickbait gossipy shit on their website, it’s just

Which again, is beautifully cynical and depressing, but not untrue. Fostering a more forgiving culture isn’t in stopping websites from posting clickbaity takedown articles, it’s each person deciding not to take the clickbait. We can absolutely have a conversation about the people creating their world or the world creating its people, but when you boil it down, only one of those things can you yourself absolutely and directly change, and it’s not the entire world.

A THING DIANE GETS BUT SIMULTANEOUSLY ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT.

I can’t take myself away from this Diane thing, I know, but only because she’s the fucking CORE of each and every one of us struggling with this idea. She’s the simplicity of it and the complication all in one. Not BoJack, which is NOT where I thought we’d be when we started this journey. BoJack is more an action on the people around him at this point in the story, he IS the world you cannot change. He’s pointed to rehab, and off he goes -- or doesn’t! I don’t think it’s coincidence that we stay with Diane and watch her watching him.

Oh, Diane, indeed. As she tells her story of her friend Abby, who threw her over for the cool kids, who turned every confidence into a scar. Who Diane still helped anyway, because Abby needed her. Did Abby learn from that, did she get better? We don’t know; we stay with Diane and watch her watching Abby. Diane, who can so completely understand about personal responsibility while failing to recognize her own enabling for the shitty things that keep happening to her.

You can control yourself. That’s it. That’s the only playground with a guarantee.

Will BoJack go off to learn that? Will Diane stay and figure it out?

THAT’S WHAT NEXT SEASON IS FOR

Something I was toying with including in this, but ultimately decided against for a variety of reasons, was the contrast between BoJack’s take on personal responsibility independent of external response, and The Good Place’s argument that people need external support for personal growth. An idea I may not have even considered contrasting save that Doc’s talked before about these two Jewish creators with what are clearly very different philosophies, and basically, if she were ever able to manage a discussion between them on this, I’d love to be in the room. I’ll be very quiet and not get in the way, I promise.

[nestasgalpal]

To take without permission

Fixing ACOTAR part 6

Masterlist | AO3

Summary: Nesta climbs down the stairs once again, and when she comes back to the top, Starfall is waiting for her. Amren is there too, and they are finally forced to face one another.

Tagging:  @gwynriel @zoyaslai @clolikescloquetas @amelievrstr @t8astr8ng @wanderlustlastsforever @saltydreamcollector @lordlorcan @esrahiba @queenestarcheron @ko0mbayamylord-deactivated20210  @jemstan300 @nessiantrashh @mothergwyn @poisonus-bloom  @loveadora @frosted-crackers  @mireillemystique @pataytayo @968sunflower968 @caram267 @jainadurron @darkshadowqueensrule @amphiptree @finae-bookshelf @niytavia @brainlessfruit @dontgetsalmonella @messyhairday-me @sunsummoner  @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @wannawriteyouabook @psychoticminx @misswonderflower​

A/N: I’m writting a whole Starfall scene following this chapter

Open air and music flowed around her, glasses clinking and clothing rustling, and she opened her eyes again as Cassian set her down after taking her to the terrace in his arms.

Stars flowed overhead. Thousands and thousands of stars. She barely remembered last year’s Starfall. Had been too drunk to care.

But this, so high up …

Nesta didn’t care that she was covered in sweat, wearing her leathers amongst a bejeweled crowd. Not as she staggered onto the veranda at the top of the House and gaped at the stars raining across the bowl of the sky. They zoomed by, so close some sparked against the stones, leaving glowing dust in their wake.

She had a vague sense of Cassian and Mor and Azriel nearby, of Feyre and Rhys and Lucien, of Elain and Varian and Helion. Of Kallias and Viviane, also swollen with child and glowing with joy and strength. Nesta smiled in greeting and left them blinking, but she forgot them within a moment because the stars, the stars, the stars…

She hadn’t realized that such beauty existed in the world. That she might feel so full from wonder it could hurt, like her body couldn’t contain all of it. And she didn’t know why she cried then, but the tears began rolling down her face.

She thought about Emerie, who was in Illyria, and wondered if she was glaring at the sky and marveling at the sight of the same explosion of light and color she saw when she looked upwards.

Then, her thoughts went to Gwyn, and Nesta asked herself if the priestess could see the stardust falling from the night sky from the window in her bedroom. Nesta pictured Gwyn’s radiant smile, her auburn hair, all covered in sparkly blue dust.

The world was beautiful, and she was so grateful to be in it. To be alive, to be here, to see this. She stuck out a hand over the railing, grazing a star as it shot past, and her fingers came away glowing with lilac and green dust. She laughed, a sound of pure joy, and she cried more, because that joy was a miracle.

“That’s a sound I never thought to hear from you, girl” Amren said beside her.

The delicate female was regal in a gown of light gray, diamonds at her throat and wrists, her usual black bob silvered with the starlight.

Nesta wiped away her tears, smearing the stardust upon her cheeks and not caring. For a long moment, her throat worked, trying to sort through all that sought to rise from her chest. Amren just held her stare, waiting.

Nesta didn’t really know what to say. The only thing in her head was their last encounter, when she stormed into her apartment and exploded. Nesta had to master herself -her breathing, so the bitter tint of the memory didn’t ruin the happiness that had been filling her soul mere seconds ago. She wouldn't give Amren the power to make such a wonderful moment bad for her. She was better than that. Than her.

Knowing Amren, and knowing how Amren thought of her, a calculating and spoiled girl, Nesta gave herself the privilege of not answering to her greeting.

Nesta braced herself and waited for the insult, but instead, Amren fell to one knee and bowed her head. The movement was so sudden, Nesta didn't have time to understand what she was doing before Amren said, “I am sorry.”

Nesta made a sound of surprise, knowing that the others were watching. Normally she would hate the attention, the stares —she had always found comfort in privacy. But watching the silver and green dust coat Amren’s black hair as the female bend the knee to her, Nesta didn’t care for the others. She eyed the figure before her and waited, wary and way more tense than a simple bow should make herr. But it was not just anyone bending the knee, it was Amren, the Second in Command of the Night Court. The female who had made up a law to imprison her.

And she was apologizing to her. “I was jealous of the power you were given while mine was taken. I was mad you didn't show respect for the blessing you received. And scared of what you might do with it. And too proud to admit it.”

You are a pathetic waste of life, Amren had told her. The insult had hit her so deep that Nesta thought for a long, long time that she was right —That she was a waste of life. But she was not. Nesta hesitated, doubting if an apology, public or not, could really make up for the damage her words, her voluntary absence in Nesta's life, had provoked. To Amren, who had never bowed to anyone but Rhysand, and only a couple of times in her lifetime, doing it in front of everyone so they could watch her bare herself to someone else was humiliating. Nesta knew that. But to her, it meant nothing. She didn't want Amren to embarrass herself. She didn't want her to suffer half of what she had been through. She wanted an explanation. She wanted to know why her only friend in Prythian had decided to turn her back to her without a second thought.

Because Amren hadn't just pretended Nesta was a stranger as she went on with her life, like other had. No, she had made an enemy of her, and she had conspired with Rhysand to take everything from her, make her vulnerable, a puppet. She had picked on her at every occasion, knowing Nesta was at her lowest.

So bowing would do nothing. An excuse would do nothing. Nesta's forgiveness demanded a reason she could understand of why Amren had made of Nesta a monster in everyone's mind on purpose and with such ease.

You are a pathetic waste of life. The words had been like a poisoned knife straight though her guts. Though her heart, because Nesta had trusted Amren, and had thought she had a true friend in her. Someone to have her back no matter what.

“Scared of what, Amren?” She demanded “Did I ever give you reasons to see me as a threat? Did I ever do anything to any of you to make you fear me?”

Through her lashes, Amren looked up at Nesta. The diamonds in her neck reflecting the shimmer of the stars above.

“You gave me reasons to see you as an unreliable vessel for the power you were given. For all I knew, you could have killed yourself by accident in a bar fight. And you refused to go back into training your abilities.”

“Even though Feyre requested I did, yes. I remember.”

That had been the breaking point. With that order, Feyre had drawn the line in the sand where her concern as a sister stopped, and her authority as a High Lady began. She would try convincing Nesta her way was the best way, and when she didn't cooperate, Feyre would resort to using force. Power. Influence. Authority. Feyre had given an order to Amren so they went back to training Nesta's abilities. And Nesta was the one who refused, yes, but Amren was the one who listened to Feyre —the High Lady, not her friend— and put her job before their friendship in the first place. Feyre gave an order, and Amren didn't hesitate. And maybe with Feyre, Amren had two different relationships that she balanced: one where they were simply friends, and other where she had to obey; Nesta didn't know nor did she care at this point. But the saddest part for Nesta was that, for her, Amren had only been a friend. Her only friend.

And if Amren had bothered to explain to her that it hadn't been the command what made her change her mind but the realization that she wasn't being helpful, like Feyre did in her painting studio, maybe she would have understood, in the end. But she had turned her back on her fully. And Nesta had been the only one paying for that.

Nesta had once seen everything as either Feyre's or hers. And she had trusted the ancient one to the point of telling her that. That sometimes she still struggled to manage their new dynamic. Sister, but also High Lady. Nesta wasn't sure if Feyre was her High Lady even, if she belonged to the Night Court the same way her sister did. And Amren had played that on her, knowing Nesta wouldn't understand her reasons nor her sister's as she called her calling childish and walked away.

No matter how many times she bowed to her, Nesta was unsure if she would ever trust the female as she once had.

So the only thing left for Nesta to do as everyone watched and Amren waited was to become the Queen of Darkness they all feared. Her eyes became the hardest steel, her gaze unwavering. Her back was straight, shoulders back and chin up. If she wanted to apologize now when her face was covered in glittery dust, her hair out of place after climbing up ten thousand steps and her eyes were red from crying, she would let her. But Amren wouldn't find in her a tired child. She would have to talk to the female she had tried to push down in the first place. Amren had wanted the version of Nesta who made High Lords go rigid to vanish, so if she really wanted Nesta's pardon, she would have to earn it facing her.

“What you fail to realize even now" Nesta started, her voice breaking the silence that reigned in the balcony "is that my power was not given to me. It wasn’t a blessing grant it to me because I was worthy. I took it because I wanted to. And the Cauldron was not strong enough to stop me. Do you think that the silly words you use to distract from the fact that you are powerless will be a good enough barrier to keep me from what I wish to do or take?" The words rambled out of her mouth like thunder "You think you can stop me, if taking my life and yours with it is what I want?”

Amren’s silver eyes shone with something like pride. It was not a challenge, Nesta realized. It was recognition, acknowledgement —of her. Of the Nesta who had befriended and then tried to destroy unsuccessfully. The Nesta that would never yield under anyone's command.

Amren saw her. She saw the girl she had been when asking why everyone was so afraid of her -because Nesta truly wasn’t even a bit thrown off by Amren’s now lost power. Amren saw in the Nesta who stand in front of her the woman who stole from the Cauldron itself, who wore the Mask from the Trove and didn’t die because she commanded Death.

So Nesta let that silver flame meet her own irises and match Amren’s fire.

In the corner of her eye, Nesta could tell how Feyre shuddered, Rhysand by her side in a protective stance.

He wouldn’t be able to stop her either, neither would that unbreakable shield of his. Nesta hated the wary look in everyone’s eyes, as if she was a wild animal and her next move was equal parts unpredictable and dangerous. As if nothing had changed and all those months in the House of Wind had been for nothing.

She hadn’t moved, hadn’t raised her voice. She had only been the version of herself that had saved her life countless times when enemies stronger than here attacked.

Nesta only wanted to look at the stars and enjoy the night, go back to her room in a few hours with her stomach full and covered in bright stardust. Why was everyone so scared of what she might do to them, when the only person her power had ever hurt was herself?

Among the tight faces, she saw Cassian, his hazel eyes warm like a summer sunset. Looking straight at her. His hair was no longer black, it was blue, and purple, golden and all the colors of the rainbow. And he didn’t look scared or even a bit worried, he was just… looking. Casual. Almost relaxed.

So Nesta relaxed too. It’s a beautiful night, a charming party and a wonderful time to be alive and among friends, his eyes told her.

And he was right.

Only recently Nesta had found back the joy for life —if she had even experienced it before. Sometimes she still doubted. But she wanted to live now, no matter how hard things were. She had finally found the alleviation of being forgiven during her short trip back to the Mortal Lands. First, she would seek forgiveness from the people she loved and had hurt. Then, from herself.

She was not healed, but definitely on the right path.

She had Cassian, who was a friend.

She also had her sister, who she trusted.

She had friends of her own who were probably in their bedrooms, fighting their own battles as they did every night and as eager to meet the next day and train together as she was.

Nesta no longer wanted people on her side, only by her side. It was not a race or a competition. She had been fighting only against herself.

Having Amren in front of her, kneeling with her head bowed and everyone looking, waiting for her to do something —spectators in a trial waiting for the judge to pass the sentence, Nesta thought that maybe she was entitled to forgive others, too. Maybe she was willing, even.

She was ready to let go of all the resentment that ate her alive.

She had to let go.

Nesta tend her a hand. Amren said nothing else, she only lifted her head to find Nesta’s eyes on her, something like wonder on her face. Amren’s eyes became lined with silver, a hint of how they had once been. And her old friend took the hand that Nesta was offering her. She helped her rise.

Even as a high fae, Amren had a way of getting under Nesta’s skin, of provoking in her an urge to get everything out of her chest. A long time ago, Nesta had found herself in her apartment, crawled in her fancy velvet couch and not feeling judged while she cried. After last summer’s incident, the closest thing to an emotion Amren ignited in her had been anger. Lastly, her words no longer got to her, indifference a soft echo in her head whenever Amren called her a whore. Boredom at the unoriginality.

No matter how many people were still looking, watching Amren get up from the floor, the fabric of her dress whirling around her like waves from a silver sea, Nesta felt back the urge to talk to Amren. To tell her how badly she had needed her for months, and how lost she had found herself when she didn’t have a friend reaching their hand anymore.

But she didn't. Now it was Amren who had to prove herself worthy of a second chance.

Amren looked back at the silent crowd, and suddenly all of them found the stars raining from above them fascinating. They were.

When everyone occupied themselves back, Kallias and Viviane dancing, Feyre eating a pastry from a nearby table, Amren spoke again. “I went poking about the House when we arrived an hour ago. I saw what you did to this place.”

Nesta’s brow furrowed. She hadn’t changed anything.

“The House sings. I can hear it in the stone. And when I spoke to it, it answered. Granted, it gave me a pile of romance novels by the end of it, but … you caused this House to come alive, girl.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You made the House,” Amren said, smiling again, a slash of red and white in the glowing dark. “When you arrived here, what did you wish for most?”

Nesta considered, watching a few stars whiz past. “A friend. Deep down, I wanted a friend.”

Amren’s face tensed a little. She was also making an effort, Nesta realized. She was swallowing her pride as much as Nesta had been by letting everyone witness such a private moment. It was a start.

That’s what she had wanted. That’s the only thing Nesta had always wanted throughout her entire life.

“So you made one. Your power brought the House to life with a silent wish born from loneliness and desperate need.”

“But my power only creates terrible things. The House is good” Nesta breathed.

“Is it?”

Nesta considered. “The darkness in the pit of the library —it’s the heart of the House.”

Amren nodded. “And where is it now?”

“It hasn’t made an appearance in weeks. But it’s still there. I think it’s just … being managed. Maybe the House’s knowledge that I’m aware of it, and didn’t judge it, makes it easier to keep in check.”

Amren put a hand above Nesta’s heart. “That’s the key, isn’t it? To know the darkness will always remain, but how you choose to face it, handle it … that’s the important part. To not let it consume. To focus upon the good, the things that fill you with wonder.” She gestured to the stars zooming past. “The struggle with that darkness is worth it, just to see such things.”

But Nesta’s gaze had slid from the stars —finding a familiar face in the forgotten crowd, dancing with Mor. Laughing, his head thrown back. So beautiful she had no words for it.

Amren chuckled gently. “And worth it for that, too.”

Nesta looked back at her. Amren smiled, and her face became as lovely as Cassian’s, as the stars arching past. “Welcome back to the Night Court, Nesta Archeron.”

Nesta tend her a hand again for Amren to shake it. To seal the truce. Amren took it and shook it, her grip tight.

“I’m sorry too” Nesta added. Not sorry for anything in particular, but because she felt like she had handled everything in her life the wrong way since the beginning. She was sorry, she wanted to voice it, and Amren was, once again, the one next to her, willing to listen and not judge.

“Then I’ll send you the bill of rehanging the door of my apartment.”

Nesta laid back against the veranda. “And I’ll send it back to Feyre” she laughed. Amren burst a laughter too, loud and honest.

Starfall was almost too beautiful to witness.

After a short while, Nesta went back inside, not having talked to anyone after Amren went back to dance with Varian. The one person Nesta would have liked to dance with was busy, his hands on someone else’s waist.

The stars still buzzed over the House. She bathed quickly and changed into a clean and simple dress. Nothing fancy, but better than the sweaty leathers.

When she came out of her room, Feyre was slowly coming down the stairs from the floor above, her pregnancy making it a little harder to climb down the bunch of stairs that it would have been for her months ago.

“I was looking for you” She was radiant. She wore one of those see-through dresses she liked so much and a crown made of golden stars.

“I wanted a moment with you too.” Nesta stopped by her side. “I actually need a favor.” Feyre nodded, inviting Nesta to go on and ask without conditions. “I’m heading to the library… I’m sure Gwyn —my friend, is awake, and I think she would love to see the Starfall from outside her room.”

Feyre didn’t even think about it before she responded, her smile huge “Sure, Cass has told me abut her. She is more than welcomed into our party”

Nesta felt a tug in her stomach. That was not what she was about to ask Feyre to do. She felt a little guilty, but hoped Feyre would understand her decision, even if she didn’t share it.

Nesta’s mind was sure. She only had to ask Feyre. Voice what she clearly wanted so her sister knew. It was easy.

“I was wondering if any of you could be absent for a short while and go find Emerie. She is our friend too, but she lives in Illyria” Feyre’s lips twitched, the pinch of disappointment so obvious in her eyes that it didn’t really matter that her smile didn’t fade. “I can’t winnow” she added.

“I’ll ask Az” Nesta nodded. Feyre considered a thought for a moment and put a hand on Nesta’s shoulder, squeezing it. “And I’ll teach you how to winnow too, in the future” Feyre laughed, her teeth white. “I’m sure you have the magic to fuel it, you just need practice and in a week you’ll be able to move around just fine”

A grin formed in her lips at the idea. She would like that… the freedom to come and go. She could mess with Gwyn and Emerie during the training sessions too. She laughed.

When Feyre’s eyes watered, her hand still resting on her shoulder, Nesta realized her sister hadn't seen her laugh before. Nesta hadn’t done it for years, to be fair. But she felt good doing it. And she felt glad her sister finally got to be a part of it.

“Are you sure you don’t want to join us up there? It’s the best spot in the city” One last try, just in case Nesta changed her mind. But once she rejected the offer, Feyre wouldn’t insist beyond.

Even if they were still welcome to join them.

“I don’t really care abut the place.”

And Feyre understood what she meant.

Because they would always be sisters, but it was undeniable that each of them had found a family and friends of their own. And they would always be together —they would always be there for each other, but Nesta wanted to spend the most beautiful night of the year among her friends, just as Feyre did.

And it was okay, because they would have thousands more in the future to share.

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Insight ~ J.M.

Request: “... jack morton x male reader and instead of Vera taking the potion to stop the sons of Prometheus from killing jack the reader takes it and he’s had a super hard life to (Vera son if you want because I totally agree with that other post) and while people are going through his pain and memories jack sees the readers crush on him and he teases him about it...” by anon

MASTERLIST

Two words.

All Y/n had to do was say two words, and the entire quart yard took a collective gasp. Even Vera slowly looked over to her son, eyes wide and watery.

Vera had always struggled to have kids. After she’d had her daughter, it had been a miracle. The relationship she’d had her from, Vera didn’t like to talk about, as most of her relationships were. So when her little girl had begged and begged and begged for a siblings, Vera’s only option had been adoption. The two had gone together to meet people and look into children. It had taken a while, because Vera’s daughter had been as picky and precise as Vera was. When they’d found Y/n though, there was an immediate connection. He was quiet and distant and reserved. The little girl had made a joke about how the little boy was just like her mommy, and then a few months later he was in their home and supposed to be part of their family.

Vera and Y/n had never talked about Y/n’s past. The boy had clammed up and shut down every time it was mentioned, so Vera had learned very quickly that it was off limits. She had allowed him to find the time to come to her if he ever wanted to, and allowed him to just be her son. His past didn’t matter - she was his family now. After her daughter and his sister died, they bonded over the lost and clung to each other even more. What were past hardships when they had things to worry about right in front of them? It just hadn’t mattered.

Until now.

The years before the Stones were the worst years. Vera had always thought herself a terrible mom, but when she looked into Y/n’s mind and saw the years before, she realized why he always thought so highly of her and defended her to his dying breath. She saw himself in his eyes. A savior.

One he had betrayed.

Vera still remembered the day her children had been playing without him, and Y/n had offered his sister food from his lunch because she was still hungry. He’d just started opening up, and was a very light hearted, pleasant child. He had just started to really soften and warm up and it was so nice to see it.

To be fair, he hadn’t known she was allergic to peanuts, and he hadn’t known about epi pens, let alone how to use one.

It wasn’t his fault.

He had still never forgiven himself.

All of these things roiled around in the minds of every single person who was in that courtyard and they all looked Y/n and for once each eye that met his saw past all of his guards and protections and through his carefully constructed mask to the boy underneath. The scared, lonely who had only ever hurt any person he’d gotten close to. The child who just wanted love and safety, but believed in his bones he was cursed to experience nothing but suffering. If he had to bring it, he would, because he was simply that bad. He never meant to, but he always would.

The guilt and self hate and hardships he’s endured an entire life time roiled inside each person, and one of the Sons of Prometheus looked at him and asked with a soft voice, “Hw do you bare it?”

He took an even breath. His eyes were watery and he fought tooth and nail to get the tears to go away. His heart was racing and his nails dug into his palm as he desperately tried to keep it together. “Because I have to,” was his response. And they all saw that in his mind, it was true. He had spent the last several years trying to make up for the struggle he brought wherever he went. Protecting Vera from all he could. Making everyone’s life as easy as he could. Working nearly to death to have everything in order and taken care of so everyone could depend on him. Even now he had taken the potion and said the spell that would shove all of the things he was most afraid to show anyone into the heads of the people whose opinion he most cared about. For Vera, so she wouldn’t have to.

But that wasn’t completely true was it?

“Jack’s in danger?” My voice came out much more even than I felt capable of delivering. Inside was a torrential storm. Hurricanes rammed against his skin from the inside, beating against his lungs and heart. tsunami of emotions pounded his stomach, making it twist and hurt. His entire body was aching, and all because he couldn’t get the image of Jack Morton being dead out of his head.

Who could stand the idea of the person they loved being in any kind of danger?

What would stop them from doing everything and anything necessary to save them?

He didn’t just have to do it because Vera needed him. He pushed himself harder so Alyssa was less stressed so that she and Jack could be together with more peace, and he did it because he loved Jack enough to sacrifice himself for their happiness.

He took the brunt of the memory wiping so the wolves would have someone to be mad at other than Vera and Alyssa. He did the hardest work and played the bad guy.

He played the bad guy so that everyone could so easily hate him, and he allowed it to happen to lessen hardship and conflict and struggle. He let his name be a curse and his existence be a regret because if you had someone to throw all your bad emotions at, then you could throw those emotions and be rid of them and move on.

Y/n took on every struggle to lessen the hardships of others, and he did it without complaint or hesitation or doubt.

Vera was the only person who really knew Y/n, and even she didn’t know this.

Turning attention from Y/n, Vera took charge. Y/n stood there, stone cold and put together on the outside as he always was even as he burned and screamed and thrashed on the inside. It didn’t matter that they all knew what he was feeling despite his efforts he was to afraid to SHOW how badly he felt. If he could look strong, people would respect him even more, especially knowing how much he hurt inside. Respect was all he had.

Other than disdain.

When it was over, Y/n didn’t wait for his mother, or the two students to catch up to him. Alyssa and Jack, of all people. The three people he probably cared about the most and hid the hardest from had just seen all of the things he had so long desperately tried to bury, and despite knowing he would have to face them eventually he got in his car and he drove. He had known that this would happen and had planned this by bringing his own ride, which had surprisingly been allowed with little problem. 

He was determined to avoid every single person in that courtyard for as long as he could, even though he knew it wouldn’t be long until he had to face at least one of them.

Listen, he knew forever was out of the question, but he thought he’d get at least a day. A full 24 hours just maybe. Time to compose himself and for the spell to wear off and for him to push it all back down again and organize it like it usually was. Like he always did when he was upset, but this time with desperation because there were three people he was going to have to deal with regularly who knew he was lying through his teeth no matter how believably okay he looked.

He got ten hours before his mom found him.

Really, looking back, he shouldn’t have been surprised. She was the principal at his school. What did he expect?

“Y/n,” Vera began softly. She had a sort of edglessness to her in that moment, and it made Y/n shift. She was as guarded as he was, so to see her regret and pain and love written all over her face... maybe she only felt it fair since she’d seen all of him, that he was allowed to see all of her.

“You don’t have to do this,” Y/n rushed, wanting to bolt. “You really don’t have to. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that you don’t approve of a lot of the things I do and feel and think. I know you see just how much I am exactly like you and you hate it because you wanted me to be so much happier. Better, for my own benefit. I know I could be an emotional mess and a failure and you’d be more relieved than seeing me be like this. I know how much that hurt you. I also know you hate being pitied, so I took that fall. Please, I hate being pitied too.”

She shook her head, approaching her son. “I don’t pity you, Y/n. I ache for you.” She pulled him into a hug and at first he just let her hug him, but then she didn’t pull away so he finally wrapped his arms around her. Once he hugged her, it was impossible not to melt into her touch. He felt the weight of years of hidden secrets melt off of him. He was glad that if he had to tell a bunch pf people the things he most wished to keep hidden, his mom was one of the people who had to be there. He was glad she knew. “I’m sorry. For your sake, I wished I’d been better at teaching you how to forgive yourself.”

That was fair. “You were too busy teaching me how to do everything else. And without you, I wouldn’t have made it very long.” He squeezed her, burying his face in her neck. “I’m so lucky to have you as a mom. I’m so, SO lucky. I’m... I’m sorry for- I know it’s not my fault but-” And there were the tears.

“It’s okay,” Vera soothed. “It’s okay.”

They stayed there for a while, until Y/ finally cried and then calmed down. They separated and Vera touched his cheek. She gave him the saddest smile and he returned a watery one back. They stayed in her office until Y/n was ready to face people again, and as he left the room he felt a lot better than he’d expected to.

Maybe he’d been wrong about this whole confessions and emotions thing.

His mind changed pretty quickly when two days later he was faced with Alyssa Drake. He expected her to hate him. After all, they’d never gotten along. Alyssa was one of the very many people who thought Y/n was a shitty person. She’d always been clear that she thought he was the worst the Order had to offer. After years of coming nowhere near even getting along or being civil, she had seen into his mind and saw that everything she knew about him was a lie, and that on top of all of that, he was in love with her boyfriend.

Despite all the reasons he was sure she had to loath him, what he got from her when they were stuck on the same duty together was a small smile and a warm greeting. “Hey.”

He treaded carefully. “Hello.”

After a moment, she casually continued, “How have you been?”

Y/n wasn’t about to shut her down. He had no reason to be a jackass to her, and now that Alyssa thought about it, he’d never actually been a rude person. He’d just taken the blame and never corrected assumptions. Even now, when she knew how terrified he was and how much he wanted to be anywhere but with her, having any sort of conversation, he was still considerate and polite enough to respond to her and respond to her in case she needed closure about anything.

“Well enough, considering,” was Y/n’s response.

Alyssa nodded. The conversation was almost between two friends, which was so incredibly bizarre that other members of the Order looked at the two and seemed to be absolutely bewildered. After all they’d seen and the impossible they’d faced, Alyssa Drake and Y/n Stone exchanging friendly small talk was the thing they couldn’t handle. Y/n noticed it and wondered what theories were going around in peoples’ heads. Alyssa just ingored them.

Instead, rather out of nowhere, she mentioned very lightly, “You’re supposed to ask how I’ve been now.” Her eyes twinkled with a sort of light teasing mood, and Y/n almost smiled.

Y/n Stone almost smiled.

“How have you been, Alyssa?”

“Very good, thank you for asking. Jack and I broke everything off officially, after a really long talk. That was hard. But it was a lot better for both of us in the long term. We’ve been struggling since the beginning, and after all we’ve been through it’s time to stop trying for something that’s only going to hurt us. you know?” She smiled at the way Y/n went rigid. “There are options out there for both of us. I think for now I just want to take some time for myself. I have a lot going on, and it’ll be nice to take a breather and not worry about what the hell is going wrong with me and Jack this time.”

Y/n nodded, trying to seem collected even as he was wound tightly. “Are you guys going to stay friends?”

“No,” Alyssa answered. “Not- for now, I mean. We actually both handled the whole break up a lot better than we thought, but we still need time to separate ourselves from each other before we could ever get to being just friends. We did talk about having like weekly check ins, maybe. Because we do still care for each other, and the idea of just disappearing from each others’ lives would suck. But I mean he’s got a lot of issues with me after the whole memory thing that he needs to come to terms with, and it’s been months where he didn’t even know who I was. Months that I had to see him with someone else every day. Eventually I got used to the idea that we weren’t together anymore. Trying to make it now is trying to put something far beyond fixing together again. It just doesn’t work anymore.”

This time when Y/n nodded, it was a lot smoother. “That makes sense.” He looked at her directly. “And you’re doing this because of those reasons and nothing else?”

She met his eyes without stepping down. Not many people could do that. “I’m not going to lie to you, Y/n. I told you, we both have better options for us out there. We had a long talk, and it didn’t come out of nowhere. It was triggered by something. But that’s all. Just because something starts something, doesn’t mean that something is the reason it ends.”

Fair enough. It was something he could accept. He had the opinion that they were bad for each other anyway, and they’d probably seen that. All the many hours Y/n had wondered why they even bothered after everything. The annoyances and doubts he’d had, not because he thought he had a chance with Jack, but because he saw how much they were both suffering and thought they deserved better. They’d both seen those thoughts and recognized them as having merit. Despite emotional idiocy, Y/n was very smart. His sense had been just what they needed to see that it really was pointless. At this point they were just hurting each other, and what was the point of love if it hurt?

Y/n wouldn’t argue with a decision he agreed with.

He would however argue if Jack tried to make a move on him, because he was absolutely not down to be a rebound or pity dated or whatever reason Jack Morton might find interest in Y/n Stone now that Y/n’s feelings were out in the open and Jack was single.

The rets of the night Y/n and Alyssa were silent. It was a comfortable silence, but Y/n had a lot on his mind and Alyssa seemed to sense that. He was appreciative for her not pressing her, and he was beginning to think she might know that better than he wanted her to.

Y/n saw Jack from a distance a few times for the next few weeks. He kept expecting Jack to approach him, but it never happened. It took a few times before Jack even acknowledged Y/n being there at all. When Y/n stopped immediately looking away and then looking back to see if Jack was still looking, or just running away altogether, Jack started smiling at him. When they found each other doing something together for any reason, Jack was perfectly polite and never seemed to flirt or mention Y/n’s feelings or his break up with Alyssa. 

It was like Sons of Prometheus had never happened, aside from the fact that Jack and Alyssa were nice to him now and would shut people up if they talked bad about Y/n around them. Which was a major shock for everyone, including Y/n, but also had absolutely not been what Y/n had expected. He’d been gearing himself up for them to use it against him at first, getting revenge for all the things they were mad at him for. After the conversation with Alyssa, he’d expected to have to deal with Jack trying to use Y/n as a rebound. Neither happened.

A month later, Jack finally talked to Y/n. It was in a completely normal setting, where they’d both been getting lunch and Jack had asked to sit with him. Y/n had agreed, intrigued by what was going through Jack’s head. When the other man just made small talk, Y/n finally snapped. “What’s your deal?”

Jack rose an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Y/n thought about his words carefully. He rarely lost his cool or talked without meaning to. His anxiety was getting to him more than he’d realized. He didn’t know how to ask Jack about that day and his reaction to Y/n’s feelings for him without actually bringing up said feelings. His eyes fell to his food. He realized he was glaring, but couldn’t force his face to smooth out like he normally could. Finally he looked back up at Jack, who he realized had stilled, waiting patiently for Y/n to collect his thoughts. “I don’t understand what’s going on. Why you and Alyssa are being friends with me.”

“Why?” Jack asked casually, returning to his food. “Because you’re in love with me?”

Slamming his fork down, Y/n leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t say it out loud like it doesn’t mean anything.” He felt suddenly very vulnerable and defensive. For the first time since his sister had died, someone really knew how he felt. They knew the real him, past lies and what he wanted people to see when they looked at him. Except this time he didn’t know what they were feeling or thinking - not even in the slightest. He absolutely hated it.

Jack focused on his food for a few seconds, but he didn’t take a bite. “Y/n...” He looked up, but this time his face wasn’t a sort of detached amusement, it was full of conflict and hesitation. “Alyssa told me about what she said to you.”

Y/n’s jaw worked. “Has anything changed since then?” His voice was a lot more quiet and full of hope than he wanted it to be. Crap! He wasn’t supposed to be like this! He wasn’t supposed to be the one excited for this change. He was supposed to be strong and ready to turn down Jack, because Jack needed to think about himself before he just humped into a new relationship. And yet here they were, and Jack hadn’t mentioned any interest in Y/n once, and Y/n was the one who was still pining.

Shaking his head, Jack didn’t seem to pick up on Y/n’s silent, accidental plea. There was something he wasn’t saying though and Y/n shifted, suddenly very nervous. Was he about to get shot down? Was Jack about to make it so very clear that they could only ever be what they were now? Pleasant acquaintances, where one of them were in love with the other, but the other could never feel the same. Jack seemed to look into Y/n’s eyes and see those thoughts, and he seemed to... smile.

“You know, everyone always thinks that me and Alyssa were in love the first time we looked at each other.” His smile grew, amusement dancing across his features. “That we were each other’s first option, from the very beginning.”

That surprised Y/n. “You weren’t?”

Jack shook his head. “You were my first option.” Y/n went solid, his eyes widening. He looked like a shocked statue, frozen forever in perpetual stunned silence. When it didn’t seem he was going to recover anytime soon, Jack continued speaking. “I was on a tour with her when I saw you. Alyssa noticed the way I looked at you and laughed at me. AT the time, I knew a LOT more about the school than her because my grandpa had taught me about it, in preparation for getting into the Order. You remember the whole thing between me and Coventry.” Y/n nodded. “She made some comment about how I didn’t know EVERYTHING about this school, because I was showing her up and she wanted to knock me down a peg. Told me she dared me to ask you out, and had this really smug look on her face.” He chuckled at the memory. “Well, easy to say that when she was helpful and helped me join the Order - as much as she’ll refuse to admit it - it was a pretty easy pick between the pretty girl who had been so nice to me, and the really hot guy who seemed to be a total dick.”

Y/n blushed. “You’re so full of shit,” he accused.”

A grin light up Jack’s face. “I’m absolutely not.” An unsure smile rose to Y/n’s face as well. He picked up his fork, busying himself with his food as Jack picked up the story again. “I was becoming a tree that day.” His face turned odd, like a mix of horror and disbelief. Jack seemed to be having a hard time believing it had happened, even though he’d been there. “Me and Alyssa were already talking about breaking up. Things between us had already gotten so convoluted, and she had never really gotten over my attraction to you. Among with other things, of course. That day, she chose the Promethians instead of me. I would have been able to get over it if she hadn’t tried to destroy our entire relationship to get her magic back. Like I understand how much her magic means to her but...” His smile had vanished and Y/n hurt for the boy.

He’d never cared as much about magic as his mother did, but watching her had made him understand the worth of it to others. To prioritize that over someone you’re supposed to be in love with though... that had to hurt. “I’m sorry.”

Jack shrugged it off. “It’s fine. It just really proved to me that we were done, and had been for a while. We could have made it if my memory hadn’t been wiped, maybe. If we weren’t on two so very different paths. If no matter how hard I tried she was just ALWAYS out of my reach.” He looked at Y/n. “If she hadn’t been right about me still liking you after all this time.”

Y/n felt his heart begin to race. “How the hell do you like me? You said yourself, I was a total asshole.”

Nodding, Jack seemed to agree at first, even as a smile curved his lips upward again. “You’re a really good actor, Y/n. But every actor has their weak moments, and every person makes mistakes. You aren’t as rock solid as you think you are. I saw the way you looked at my friends. Like you wanted to protect them. And how you took credit for things that were absolutely not your fault. I kept saying it was just to move on and get it over with... I dismissed everything you did that showed how kind you are, until Vera said something when she called us out for having our memories back that caught my attention. He said that we couldn’t mess up. That more than our reputations were on the line. Randall replied about how we didn’t care about her reputation but she said it wasn’t hers she was worried about.” Y/n suddenly couldn’t look at Jack, and that seemed it was all that was needed to confirm whatever theory had been bouncing around. “I’ve only ever seen Vera Stone prioritize one thing over her own judgement. I know she liked us, but you said something to her to get her to be lenient with us, didn’t you?”

A shrug was all Jack got at first, but when the silence stretched, Y/n sighed and finally admitted, “Yeah, I did. I told her I trusted your capabilities. I-” He swallowed. “I told her that I couldn’t let you die.”

“You told her you were in love with me,” Jack added. Y/n nodded. Jack chuckled and Y/n rose an eyebrow. “I’m that irresistible, huh?”

The tension shattered and both of them started a soft giggle. “Look who’s talking, Mr. I Fell Because I Saw You Once.” Jack rolled his eyes at that, but both of them did grow into full laughter. They thought about the several times both of them could have been so much happier with each other but were too busy creating an image or fighting a losing battle or believing everything they heard instead of getting to know the other person instead. “I’m an idiot,” Y/n sighed when they calmed down. 

“Yeah,” Jack agreed. “So am I. Wanna go on a date with me?”

Y/n grinned. “You free on Saturday?”

[waywardfangirl]

Both @captain-aralias and @palimpsessed ​did really nice posts to share their fics from this year as well as their thoughts on what they wrote, and I enjoyed reading their posts (and their fics!) so much that I thought I would take them up on their open invitation to do one too! I’m a big believer in keeping lists of your accomplishments to look at on days when self-doubt creeps in, so I encourage anyone else who might be interested to do this too! (All the questions are copied from @captain-aralias)

List of Completed Fics this year:

I wrote ten fics this year, as well as starting a ton of WIPs, which is amazing to me, considering I have only written fic once before in my life!

Slow - General, 3k

We’re Not in Genovia Anymore - Teen, 28k

Promises - General, 3k

A Privilege to Love You - Teen, 7k

Early Riser - General, >1k

Write This Down - General, 3k

As You Wish - Teen, 13k

The View from the Veranda - General, 4k

Down By The Sea - General, 2k

Just Want You to Know Who I Am - General, 1k (written in 2020, posted in 2021)

Total: 10 fics, 67k words, 100% Snowbaz

Pretty good for what is truly the first year that I have been an active participant in fandom!

Questions answered below the cut.

Best/worst title?

A Privilege to Love You is my favorite title, because I think the line is just so sweet, and it makes my heart melt.

We’re Not in Genovia Anymore is definitely my worst title, because that was just the placeholder name I gave the WIP, but then I got so used to it I forgot to change it to something better before posting. I still cringe a bit at that one.

Best/worst summary?

l am horrifically indecisive, so I have a few summaries that I like. Just Want You To Know Who I Am is short and sweet, and I think it conveys exactly what I want it to:

Baz is fine. He's fine. Everything is fine. (It just isn't.)

~A fic about being loved in all the little ways~

But I also really liked the quotes I pulled for The View from the Veranda, As You Wish, and A Privilege to Love You.

Early Riser also has a summary that I let break my heart:

Baz wakes up early now, even though Simon doesn’t.

I does very little to convey what the fic is about, but after reading the fic it hurts like I wanted it to, sooo.....

I think that Promises has the worst summary though:

Inspired by the song "Promises" from the musical Hadestown.

Simon and Baz have spent the last three years working on themselves and on their relationship. Now it's time for their next step together.

Best/worst first line?

Baz says it best to open The View from the Veranda:

I am not a man accustomed to enduring want.

However, Simon deserves an honorable mention for starting us off right in As You Wish:

Baz is such a prick.

As for worst opening lines, I don’t really think I have any. I have some that stand better as an opening paragraph than an opening line, but I place a lot of importance on the first line of a story, so I like to make sure all mine are strong.

Best/worst last line?

I am not going to spoil any last lines for anyone (I cover up the last page of books when I read to reveal it slowly, word by word, so I take last lines seriously!), but I will say that As You Wish has an adorably predictable last line that I love.

For worst last line, I have to say Slow. I liked the line itself when I wrote it, but then I learned later that people were interpreting it in a more steamy way than what I had intended, and because I feel like Slow is such an innocent fic and really highlights how important it is for Simon to not be rushed into every decision he makes, I don’t like that it sounds like he and Baz rushed into something else. (I just meant that they talked and maybe kissed a bit! That’s it!)

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

On December 31st, 2019, I was pet sitting when I came across a prompt for a Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement Snowbaz AU. I impulsively started to write, even though I had only written one other fic in my life (Check, Please!), and I had never written Snowbaz before. I kind of thought that maybe I would write one fic and that would be all, and that maybe one fic is all I would ever write, but I am so happy to have been wrong about that! I wrote way more than I could have predicted, and I even did NaNoWriMo! (I failed NaNoWriMo too, and I’m okay with that, because I want writing to be something I do for fun, not something that stresses me out.)

As a fun side note, Carry On is a fandom that I have returned to many times in my life, and it seems to have a special place on New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day for me. I was given Fangirl as a Christmas present, and started reading it on New Year’s Eve, only to finish it and realize that the new year had arrived while I was engrossed in the book. I have spent multiple New Year’s Eves since engrossed in a reread of the book, or reading fic, and so it feels really fitting that I got into properly writing fic for Carry On as the year turned over.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

Literally all of this was unexpected, as I never planned on writing any more fic, but I think I am most surprised to have written multiple songfics. I never read many songfics, and didn’t often care for them, but I wrote Promises off of the song from Hadestown, Write This Down off of George Strait’s song, and then Just Want You to Know Who I Am because Caity got the Goo Goo Dolls stuck in my head.

What’s your favourite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

My favorite might actually be my most popular, so I’ll go with my close second favorites (it’s a tie)

A Privilege to Love You is a soulmate au, and those are my favorite things ever. I also received some of the best feedback on this one, and I feel like I did a lot of things that worked really well in this fic.

The View from the Veranda is just so wonderful for me though, it combines my love of history with absolute silliness for a friend (I love you Liz!!!), @krisrix did some INCREDIBLE art for it, and I just had so much fun writing it.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

As You Wish was the most popular, hands down, with more hits, kudos, comments, and bookmarks than any other fic I wrote. It’s also the fic of mine that I reread the most, because it makes me so happy and I love all the silly moments.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

We’re Not in Genovia Anymore is probably the answer here. This isn’t entirely backed up by metrics, since it does have more hits and kudos than some of my other fics, but for how long it is and the work that went into it, I think it only got a portion of the attention I was hoping it would. That’s mostly my fault though! It was the first fic I wrote for this fandom, and so I have definitely grown as a write since! Additionally, while I feel like it has a lot of great moments and fantastic lines, I have some lackluster bits too, and it really suffered from not having a beta (I was too shy to ask anyone back then). It’s also an AU of a movie that isn’t as widely viewed as I previously thought, so that didn’t help either, and as I already said, this fic could have a much better title.

All that aside though, the people who have read and talked to me about this fic have really seemed to like it, so I’m glad that I did right by my fellow Princess Diaries 2 fans! (and all of the wonderful people who read it and commented nice things having never seen the movie, y’all rock!)

Story that could have been better?

Everything I wrote before asking someone to beta. I just talked about what I would improve in We’re Not In Genovia Anymore, but Promises could use some work too. Having a few wonderful friends help me edit my fics has really improved what I post!

Sexiest story?

Oh gosh, I am not someone who writes sexy things.

Having said that, The View from the Veranda was written in the style of a bodice ripper, so I think that makes it the sexiest story by default. Kris’s art also enhances its sex appeal by at least 200% (I laughed out loud when I was making the list at the start of this post, because I had entirely forgotten that fic is rated G - honestly, that tells you everything you need to know about me, my romance novel fic can be read by children haha) (I might give it a T rating at some point, just because I feel like it should have that)

**I just remembered the bonus chapter for As You Wish.... that might be the sexiest thing I’ve written haha 🤣

Saddest story?

Early Riser - I am a big believer in giving everyone who deserves it a happy ending, but this one is just an interlude of sadness and depression without any resolution in sight.

(If you read it though, please know that in my head they do get therapy and things do get better! Snowbaz always has a happy ending in my fics, even if I don’t write it out fully)

Most fun?

As You Wish - this one to me feels like the happy chaos of running and sliding around a big house in stocking feet, and I don’t have a better way to describe it than that. There’s a tiny bit of angst from Baz, and a little bit of panic from Simon, but I was smiling and having so much fun while writing this fic, and I really think it comes across.

Story with single sweetest moment?

A Privilege to Love You - I’ll let you decide which of the many sweet moments is actually the sweetest ❤

Hardest story to write?

Promises, no question about it. I had written two fics by that point, and people had been so nice, and some of you lovely folks had even started tagging me in WIP Wednesday posts and in Six Sentence Sunday posts, but I felt like I had no inspiration left and I kept worrying that I wouldn’t be able to write again. So, I forced myself to write something, and it felt like pulling teeth (and it honestly wasn’t very good), but I gifted it to the person who had been my biggest cheerleader and who had tagged me a million times, and that’s how @foolofabookwyrm and I became friends. Writing the fic sucked, but her friendship is worth it, a million times over 💜💜💜

Easiest/most fun story to write?

The View from the Veranda. I’m a historian, and I work a lot with primary sources and spend time speaking with others in 18th century language, so once I got into my “work mindset” the words just flowed. This was also a silly, happy story for me, because I included a lot of jokes for Liz, and there are a ton of details that are just hilarious if you work at the same place I do (sorry that none of you do, but let me just tell you, the descriptions of Simon are all based off of my most attractive colleague, and at least 15% of this fic is silly quotes from work). I think this was only supposed to be about a thousand words long, and I messaged Kris multiple times while writing just to tell him that it was getting out of control and I couldn’t stop writing 😂

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

Writing for Agatha in We’re Not in Genovia Anymore really made realize how much some of her (canon) story resounded with me, and I liked the deeper character study I ended up doing for her. I’m still always going to be the most in love with Baz, but I have a deeper connection to Agatha now too.

Most overdue story?

It’s still overdue. I have so many WIPs, at least seven of which are soulmate AUs, and I just keep starting more. In terms of actual planned release date though? I started writing a The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue AU for NaNoWriMo, with the intention of publishing it in January. It’s already the longest fic I’ve ever written, and I don’t think I’m even a quarter of the way done with it. I wasn’t happy writing for NaNo, because I don’t do well with creativity on a deadline, and I chose to pause work on that fic so I can actually enjoy writing it and end up with something I like once I finally return to it. Apologies to those who are anxiously awaiting the fic, I do hope to finish it this year, and I won’t post until it’s all done, so you’ll get a very rapid update schedule when it does come out!

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I signed up for my first fandom event! I participated in the Secret Snowflake event, and wrote Down By The Sea for the wonderful @fight-surrender (and ended up with ideas for some other new fics too)! Even though I was actively failing NaNoWriMo when I signed up, I did manage to complete my fic on time, and I learned that it wasn’t quite as daunting as I was expecting it to be. (My biggest problem was my laptop breaking and having to do almost everything on my phone - I also learned once again just how amazing Liz is, as she helped me format and post to ao3, since I couldn’t do that properly without a computer)

I struggle with being creative on a deadline, but wanting to write a little over 1k in a month was much more achievable than feeling stressed about writing 50k in a month!

This year’s theme and the story that demonstrates it most:

I like the idea of the inevitability of love. I adore soulmate AUs, because I love the idea of a universe where not only does someone have a perfectly matched other person, but that there is a surefire way to find them. Even though I only published one soulmate AU this year, I feel like every time I write Snowbaz I am writing about a couple where love will, inevitably, win. In my mind they are always going to have a happy ending somewhere down the line where they are just purely in love. Even though love doesn’t magically fix everything, it’s still incredibly powerful, and I only want to create stories where Simon and Baz truly love each other.

Of course, with that as the theme, A Privilege to Love You has to be the fic that best demonstrates the idea of inevitable love - it’s a soulmate AU and a universe where Simon exercises his free will.

What are your fic writing goals for next year this year?

Finish and publish my Gentleman’s Guide AU

Finish and publish more soulmate AUs (I have so many WIPs you guys)

Plan more before writing

Work on improving dynamic scenes and the overall flow of my fics - I sometimes feel like I have too many lulls, and I want to write in a more engaging way

Promote my own work more! I am partially doing this post because there are multiple fics that I never shared on here! I plan to make banners for all of the fics I write this year, and to post them on tumblr at the same time I upload them to ao3.

The last few years have been a time of tremendous personal growth for me, and I really feel like I’m starting to understand who I am as a person, settle into myself, and like who I am. I’m thrilled to discover that fandom is still part of who I am and what I enjoy, and that I have more creative outlets in my life now than I ever expected to. My biggest goal is just to keep building on all of that, to use fic to explore who I am, to reflect what I like, make myself happy with my writing, and to hopefully make at least a few of you happy with my stories too!

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Actually i don't get Reki at all. Like even in the first ep he was worse even than Shadow and i'm not talking abt Cherry, Joe and Adam. And he was ok and loved skating. But like... if your friend is better than you, then you get depressed and making your friend feel guilty abt you not being good enough? I didn't even ship Reki and Langa, they are just giving me only friendship vibes, but i'm still sad, wtf writers did with his character?

Yeah, same. Like, sorry, I just don’t think Reki’s character can be redeemed for me personaly at this point.  

Like what should I even stand for in his character? I do not respect his life position at all. Like I dislike Makoto for being a shadow and not wanting anything in his life, but hey, at least he’s genuinely happy for Haru’s success. I adore Rin who never gave up and dove into the hardest challenge possible from the start to get on Haru’s level, cause he wanted to swim with him for the rest of his life and he got there. And then there’s this..  it’s like.. he loves to skate, but apparently not enough, cause his doesn’t want it, if he isn’t the best at it, so he’d rather... not skate at all? He wants to be as cool and on the same level with “naturally talented ones” and wants to compete with Langa, but he doesn’t want to do anything for it or search for his own unique style or smth to beat them in another way? And on top of that he’s also sad about seeing Langa succeeding? The whole thing is... like.. no, thank you?

Like are they really gonna go with the “you made me want to be great at this like you, but if only you are great at this, than screw both you and this?” lolz. Even if they will go with the psychological block bc of his friend’s injury, it’s gonna be lousy af now. It’s like is there even a route left which could make him look...ahem... presentable at this point? Idk.

I also was right about the fact that he’s the type who prolongs the whining instead of doing things, unlike some other characters who were in his position too; realistic maybe he is, but I don’t want it, honestly, like I see such things every day and I do not like it.

From what I’ve seen in the tag some are already trying to apply here like 50 mental disorders to excuse him and stuff like “it’s realistic” and at this point I’m honestly used to people on the internet using mental disorders not for spreading awareness, but bc they’re thinking it’s “trendy”, which is a cringe galore and shame on you. But it still makes me kinda sad all the time. Also there’s nothing unrealistic about not giving up and getting where you want, it’s just harder for, to say, “ordinary” people, that’s why most rarely choose this option (although it’s for you to decide if you’re ordinary or not, cause everyone can be extraordinary, you just need to find it in you). Anyways, drowning in a self pity is not the trait I’ve ever found appealing in people, along with the constant comparing yourself to others.

Sadly many prefer to use these excuses to get out of everything along with being lazy or jealous, esp the young generation. At this point, it’s like the same thing as with this other fandom. Like, sometimes when someone is trying to hit someone because he saw that he’s more talented than him, that just means that he’s an asshole, there’s no need to come up with ridiculous excuses to justify this and try to make him a hero. And sometimes ppl are just jealous, as simple as that. And no, not everyone is like that. At this point ppl on social media are like... fuck your hard-working characters, who are inspired by talent and do not give up on trying to prove yourself even if the whole world is against them. Let’s promote being emo and how it’s okay to spend your life on walking around telling everyone how you’re a useless trash, like this will help you in life.

Also if seeing someone succeed, esp your best friend, makes you sad, might want to reconsider the way of living your life. Just saying.

Also since when you have to be the best just to enjoy doing what you love doing? I’m like... personaly I do not get it. Looking at my vids 10 years ago they look like utter trash, but I tried and tried and yeah, I might not reach some levels of mega talented ppl, but hey, I’m still trying and searching for stuff I can improve all the time and watch talented ppl tutorials like “holy fuck, you can do that?”.

But hey, at least he doesn’t want to only make boards, he wants to compete... (or does he? I’m honestly not sure at this point lol)... I mean, there’s... that. but I thought, when he’s gonna realize it, he’s gonna be back on track, but n.o. xD back to self pity. ok then. Some go like “its only been 3 episodes” and I’m like “this... ain’t a 24 episodes anime tho..(?)”.

So far I’m just confused about what are writers intentions with some characters are. Like the most interesting ones at least for me are technically a background for some reason idk. I was literally sad about the wasted amount of screentime on Reki being.. well, nothing new.

Sad part about this is that people like this also need a constant reassuring to the point of them just sucking your life out of you, too, so I honestly do not know how to deal with this life position. Ppl like this have a tendency to never be happy, so Langa would just have to run after him and feed him with compliments for the rest of his life to water his tiny self-esteem or say smth “don’t give up, don’t give up, fighting”? It’s like... well, ok. Friendship, yeah, but ship? Nah, not for me. Also I do not smell any huge romance there tbh, and from Reki’s side this is all just a mess tbh.

The saddest part was that he saw that Langa won after his yelling and he didn’t care for that. Like Rin was mopping bc he wanted to swim with Haru, so when he saw that Haru wanted to swim with him, too, that was it for him. And that’s the problem all the viewers who watched Free! got hit with while watching this. My DMs are literally all about “why do I not feel anything about them?” or “sometimes cute, but smth doesn’t hit me shipping wise”. Cause I think most expected for some reason that he would also put Langa first, but at the end, they’re not on the same track, bc their priorities are different.

I actually think it was just mistake for all of our Free! hommies including me to go at it from the wrong point of view and from the beginning expecting it shipping wise to be like that one other Utsumi’s work. I mean, she’s just a director there, not also on the storyboard or anything else. Should’ve gone watching it with a clear head. The main ship just does not hit any spots for me either. And my heart does not lie there at all. I do blame Free! for this, cause it’s like impossible to compare bc of those our scenes, I keep seeing, but at the same time, they do not hold up not to the dynamic, not to anything at this point. Like I do not know where they’re going with them, but this is just not my type of a ship in general and definitely not the one I can go crazy about. I honestly do not think 3 episodes can change that. It’s says a lot if at this point I do not even care much for their reconciliation, I’m like.. tell me about the seniors’ drama tho xD So I’ll stick with my side ships.

Also, unrelated to the question, but did Adam seriously just went and hit Cherry with a board in the face?!!!! (THE FUCK DUDE?) Like, this was definitely not how I thought this was gonna go. I also kinda felt like Cherry was in love with Adam in the past. All in all this was like a... strange episode, at this point I just feel sorry for my baby Langa, Joe and Cherry were very cute (esp at the end) and my god Cherry is hot, but like I also want something complex pls, so idk I’m  still waiting for the Adam/Tadashi shananigans.

At this point I’m like “I love watching this, but what am I watching?” haha supernatural skating soup opera it is then. 

Also I just love Langa my dude, my man. How he’s such a puppy in real life, but so freaking hot when he skates??!!! T_T 

[bssaz97]

“Call Me Back” Finale

* Patch Maternity Ward *

Ruby always knew that labor and delivery was going to be one of, if not, the hardest and most excruciating part of her pregnancy. She vividly remembered the tired faces of when Winter, Weiss, Blake, and Nora had delivered their babies and how happy they were after they got to hold onto their babies for the first time. But Ruby also remembered the seemingly endless amount of screaming and curses she heard from down the hallway of the maturity ward each time one of her friends went into the second stage of labor. When Ruby tried to ask for any ideas for how she could make the delivery stage easier for herself (that was the time when she learned she was carrying twins). However, all four girls just looked at her and collectively said one statement.

Past Winter/Weiss/Blake/Nora: “Practice breathing and pray.”

Ruby had greatly underestimated the counsel of her close friends and was convinced that they were trying to spare her the terrible truth about childbirth. The truth being that no matter what, childbirth is the most intense and painful experience that a woman can experience. How Mrs. Arc was willing to go through this experience five times (two of those resulting in twins) was truly a mystery to Ruby. But if Mrs. Arc could make it through all that amount of pain and struggle, then so could world savior Ruby Rose right? Oh poor, poor sweet past Ruby, how foolish she was to think that optimistically about the stages of childbirth.

Ruby: “GAAAA-HAAAHHHHhhhh!!!” *she screamed in utter agony, sweating profusely*

Taiyang: “It’s ok sweetie you’re doing great. You just need to wait until the head starts popping out. And by then it’ll be- Gah!” *feels his hand crushing under the pressure of Ruby’s grip on it.*

Ruby: “‘huff!’ If you say... it’ll be a piece of cake. ‘Huff!’ Or any other stupid birthday pun. ‘Huff!’ I’m going to kill you Dad!”

Taiyang: “Yeeep! Read you loud and clear sweetie!” *groaned as his grip was once again under the pressure of a mother birthing her offspring*

Doctor: “Ok Miss Rose you’re doing great, just keep breathing and PUSH!”

Ruby: “AAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

* Waiting Room Area *

Yang waits anxiously in her seat along with the other members of her team, their husbands, and Ren and Nora. Yang was trying to find something to focus on but came up blank. She was gripping tightly on chairs arms and ponders about how her baby sister is doing... well for lack of a better term ‘birthing babies’. She tries to calm herself through any means, but when a family member is expected to wait until the end of more or less a twelve-hour process is done, then calm is the last thing she wants to be right now. Yang has spent a good portion of her life fighting monsters and many groups hellbent on the destruction of humanity as a whole along with other things. However, if there was any situation that she dreaded the most was the feeling of helplessness when someone she cherishes is in pain or hurting. But then again, this isn’t normally like any of those cases, this was supposed to be a special day for both Ruby and...

Yang: ‘God damnit.’ *internally trying not to start any waterworks*

This was supposed to be a good day for the two of them, where they would start a new chapter of their lives together. Now there’s only her sister, who’s now all alone on this supposedly special day. Yang felt something in her boiling, a rage she had felt only a few times before in her life. She felt hatred, hatred towards whoever deemed it fit to take away not only her baby sister’s fiancé, but her happy future as well. A future that everyone worked and fought so hard for was taken away from Ruby without her knowledge.

The parallels between her own childhood and right felt so unbearably similar that all Yang wanted to do was hit something. A happy family who was robbed of someone who was so loved and admired by everyone that was close to them, only to never see them alive again. To that was the most painful part, he-Jaune did not deserve to be taken away from his family, friends or his soon to be mother of his children. But someone sought it fit to do just that, and now his parents lost their son, they lost a friend or brother, and Ruby lost the love of her life, the father of her soon to be born children. Just like Summer and so many others were taken away from them, a tragic repeat of history in their family.

Yang: ‘why...? Why?...WHY DID WHENEVER SOMETHING GOOD WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO RUBY DID SOMEONE HAVE TO TAKE IT AWAY?!’ *She didn’t notice when tears started to trail down her face before shaking her head*

Yang had come to terms with the fact that Jaune was gone, they did have a body after all but that didn’t make it any less painful to know. She tried to remain strong for her sister who was no doubt going through the darkest part of her life, and she knew that it would only persist if not addressed. But Yang felt that she lost a friend and a brother many months ago, the saddest part was that it wasn’t something she’s not used to feeling. The sad cycle of their family was supposed to end with Ruby and Jaune’s union but maybe they had placed too much hope in their happily ever after. But whatever the result was, there was nothing that could be done to change it. That to her was perhaps the most painful thing about it.

Blake: “ Yang are you ok?” *places her hand on her friend’s shoulder*

Yang: “Hmm? Oh sorry, guess I was lost in thought. Got a lot on my mind I guess. Hehehe... ‘sigh.’”

Weiss: “Yang Xiao-Long. If you think for a moment that we’re going to believe that poor excuse, then you clearly do not realize who you are speaking to.”

Yang: “Heh. Yeah I should’ve figured that wasn’t gonna go pass through you Weiss-Cream. Well... I guess I’m just thinking about how Ruby’s doing right now.” *she leans back into her seat*

Neptune: “Yeah, by the way. How has she doing? Before right now I mean!” *adds in quickly*

Yang: “Honestly, not too good. Ok that’s an understatement, she was a mess, had to keep my eyes on her almost all the time. I’ve... never seen her look so defeated before. There’s been bad times before but now... it just brings back some bad memories.” *drags her prosthetic hand over her face*

Blake: “Yang...” *Looks at her old partner sympathetically*

Sun: “Sorry to hear.”

Neptune: “How’ve you been holding up?”

Yang: “What do you mean?”

Neptune: “Well you’ve been there for Ruby all during this time, but I can’t imagine it will be easy for you when you have to... well go back to doing your ‘other’ job.”

Yang: “Wha-? Do you actually think I would leave Ruby all alone during this time!” *eyes briefly flash red*

Weiss: “We’re not suggesting that Yang. But we do need to address this matter, because we have noticed that you haven’t been to Mistral since this... we found out what happened. That’s why we need to talk about it.”

Yang couldn’t deny what Weiss was saying and she had to admit that she has been slacking in a duty she’s neglecting for sometime. Although she would prefer not to do this today if all days. But rarely did they ever have time to hang out with one another.

Yang: “‘sigh’ Okay. Let’s talk.”

Weiss: “Well from what we remember you telling us, you spent most of your looking after Ruby. Even as a child back then you placed yourself with a lot of responsibility. So now after everything that has happened, you may not notice but we see how you are reverting back to the position of a helicopter sibling. However, as you know, you’re also in a position where you have to uphold a duty to the people of Mistral, so you cannot be in two places at once.”

Yang: “So what’s your point Weiss.”

Weiss: “The point that WE want to make is... we want to help easing up the burden you’ve been holding for so long.”

Yang: “...What?” *her face displaying confusion*

Ren: “It’s true Yang. While you are Ruby’s sister, the responsibility of helping her shouldn’t be on your shoulders alone. Nora and I are the godparents of these coming children, so it’s our responsibility to be there for them and Ruby as well.”

Nora: “That’s right.”

Blake: “You and Ruby are one of the best friends I have, who have fought many personal battles alongside me. So let Sun and I return the favor.”

Sun: “Yep.”

Weiss: “Yang, do you remember what I told my father when he tried to force me back home all those years ago. Your not just friends to me, you’re family. So as part of my family, I want to be able to help out as best as I can. Plus I refuse to not help with expenses she may need.”

Neptune: “‘laughs’ What she says.”

Weiss: “So what do you think.” *gives a small smile*

Yang: “..... Y-You guys would really be willing to do all this... for us? *moving her gaze to look at all of them*

Weiss: “Of course. Did you really expect to go any other way?”

Yang: “I-I don’t know what to say.”

Nora: “There ain’t nothing to say, you can’t get rid of us that easily!”

Yang: “Guys..... ‘sniff, sniff’ ....thank you.” *bows her head a little, mostly to hid the fact that she couldn’t hold the tears she had built up earlier at bay any longer*

Blake, Weiss, and Nora group around Yang so that the girls could have group hug around their blonde friend. Soon enough the husbands of the group also formed another layer of hugging to show their support as well. Yang felt as if a large load was taken off her shoulders that she had no idea she was carrying but was just happy to have friends and family such as these. Maybe with them around, she wouldn’t have to worry as much to care for her sister. Even if one of them was gone, there were still others there to help carry the load alongside her, as one big happy family.

Female Doctor: “*Cough, cough*”

Everyone: ‘⁉️’ *They all look up to see a doctor standing in front of them in scrubs*

Female Doctor: “Sorry to interrupt this special moment but I wanted to inform Miss Xiao-Long that her sister has completeld her delivery.”

Yang: “‘gasp!’ Oh my gods, is Ruby ok! Did everything go ok! Please tell me everything is ok!” *she knocked everyone off of her to get up close to the doctor pleadingly, hands clasped together*

Female Doctor: “*laughs* Yes Miss Xiao-Long, everything went off without any problems. Would you like to meet your niece and nephew?”

Yang: “Do I?!”

Weiss: “Ahem!”

Yang: “Eh?” * turns around to see the others picking themselves up after Yang unceremoniously pushed them off after a such touching moment*

Yang: “Oops. Sorry guys, got a little too excited there. Hehe...” *raises hands in a defensive manner*

Weiss: “‘Hmph’ I will forgive you right now but only because it’s a special occasion.”

Yang: “*laughs* Thanks.”

. . . . .

Nora: *sprints past the two of them* “FIRSTONETHEREGETSTOSEETHEBABIESFIRST!”

Female Doctor: “Mam, please no running in-!”

Yang: “Ohhh Hell No Lie-Valkyrie! Those kids are my blood so I get first dibs!” *follows hot on Nora’s trail*

Female Doctor: “Miss Schnee could you please-!”

Weiss: “Damn Brutes, you get there before me I will have words!” *uses Glyphs to boost her speed*

Blake: *Uses Shadow to follow after*

Female Doctor: “NO RUNNING IN THE HOSPITAL!”

Ren/Neptune/Sun: “So sorry about this.” *starts lightly jogging to catch up to their respective wife*

Female Doctor: “...... ‘sigh’ It’s always like this with Huntresses.” *shakes her head*

*Few Minutes Later*

Nora/Weiss/Blake: *sulking in defeat*

Nora: *pouting* “Using special powers in the last lap is cheating Yang!” *forms an X with her arms*

Yang: “Hey, you got a good five seconds head start on all of us so I don’t wanna hear it.”

Ren: “Nora, you can still see the babies today. You’ll just have to wait your turn.” *he says but internally is just as upset that he can’t see his godchildren first*

Yang: *looks at the door* “Ok. *breathes* Here we go Yang.”

*Door Opens then closes*

Yang enters the room and hears a small tune playing that sounds almost like a lullaby. Just as she does she sees her father standing on the right Ruby, with what seemed to be the biggest smile on his face she’s ever seen. Her dad turns to look to see that Yang had entered and signaled her to come over quietly. She gently walks over to the opposite side of Ruby’s hospital bed and after moving the curtain that was blocking her view Yang stood still, holding her breath. There she saw Ruby, her baby sis, holding two bundles of white blankets in both arms that only showed two tiny, squishy, baby faces. Ruby’s hair was damp with sweat and seemed very tired but was awake enough to soothe her newborns with a lullaby.

Ruby: *stops humming and looks up to see Yang, then smiles* “Hi Yang.”

Yang: “Ruby... They look... I mean just look at them.” *says with a hushed quivering voice, barely able to contain her smile*

Ruby: “*giggles* Yeah. Aren’t they just perfect. Took awhile getting them out but... they look so beautiful don’t they.” *she smiles tiredly*

Yang: “I-Is it ok if I...?” *hold both hands out*

Ruby: “Sure. Dad, could you?”

Taiyang: “Sure sweetie.” *he grabs onto one baby with blonde hair*

Ruby: “Here you go Sis.” *gently holds her other baby with reddish hair*

Yang gently takes one baby into her arms from Ruby and takes the other from her Dad. She looks at both of the babies up close and her lips were trembling with tears threatening to spill out.

Yang: “They’re so precious! Did you decide on names yet?” *says quietly so as to not disturb the tiny babies*

Ruby: “Yep. If one was a girl Me and Jaune wanted to giver her both Mom’s and Pyrrha’s name. Then if we wanted a boy we would name him Rowan... named after Jaune’s favorite fairytale character as a kid, ‘Rowan the Red.’”

Yang: “... Wasn’t that story about a squirrel?” *starts to giggle*

Ruby: “Yeah. But it was so cute that I couldn’t think of anything better than that. Plus I actually like the sound of it. My little Rowan.”

Yang: “Wow. Summer *kissed the redhead* and Rowan *kissed the blonde*”

Taiyang/Ruby: “....*holds in laughter*”

Yang: “What?” *face becomes confused*

Taiyang: “Yang, Rowan’s the one with red hair and Summer’s the blonde one.”

Yang: *eyes widen drastically and looks down at the two babies she just mixed up* “Whoops. Rowan *kisses redhead* and Summer *kisses blonde*”

Ruby: “That’s better, almost thought you were gonna check just to be sure.”

Yang: “To be fair if I wasn’t holding two bundles of joy in my arms, I would have tried that.”

Ruby: *shakes head while giggling*

Yang: *Looks fondly at both babies once more* “They’re amazing Ruby. How’re you holding up?”

Ruby: “Well the Doctor gave me some painkillers to dull the pain so right now I am doing greeeaaaat~”

Yang: “That’s good to hear.”

. . . . .

Ruby/Yang: “There’s something-.” *both laughs*

Ruby: “Sorry you go first.”

Yang: “Nah it can wait, there something on your mind?”

Ruby: “Ok... So I’ve been thinking for a bit while I have been here, thinking about what happens after I get out of this hospital with my children.”

Yang: “Oh?”

Ruby: “Well you’ve been helping me a lot since what happened to.... after the incident. I reminded me a lot of how things were when we were kids. Then I thought about how these two are going to be living once there back home with me.”

Yang: “Right.”

Ruby: “So with that thinking in mind I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before. How do I wanna raise my kids. Sure I’ve thought about it a lot since I had.... Jaune with me. But now he’s gone, and these little ones only have their mother left in the world. Their mother who is a sworn protector of Remnant...”

Yang: “...Where are you going with this Rubes.”

Ruby: “It’s come to my realization Yang that with Jaune no longer here with me, I’m all my babies have to rely on to care for and nurture them as a parent. But I can’t do that as a Huntress sworn to protect others. So it’s with that I’ve decided...”

Yang: *starts moving closer to Ruby with the babies in tow* “Ruby wait please, before you say anything else-!”

Yang was having a bad feeling about what her sister was going to say next. She hoped, no, prayed that Ruby wasn’t going to do a Raven and give up her kids. Sure these babies had Ren and Nora as godparents but Yang’s seen how that road ends with Raven and she didn’t want Ruby to-!

Ruby: “I’ve decided to retire being a huntress.”

Yang: “.......what?” *her face is one of disbelief and shock*

Ruby: “Yang I love being a huntress. It’s all I ever wanted to be when I was little, it’s what I’ve worked towards my whole life. *holds a hand out playing with Rowan’s hair* But in the short time that these two came into my life, these wonderful things of purity and innocence, I’ve discovered something that’s worth more than all those years spent slaying monsters and stopping the bad guys.”

Ruby: *moves up slowly to retrieve both of her little ones from Yang, who let them go gently* “That’s being these two’s mommy. I don’t want to miss a single moment of either of their lives, I want to see them grow, learn to walk, say their first words and be normal kids with a mom they can come home to who will be there. So that’s my decision, I choose to be my children’s mother..... my little blessings.”

Yang: “...And you’re sure this is what you want Rubes?”

Ruby: *nods* “I know I can’t prevent every hardship they will face, but I at least want them to have a better childhood than what we had.... No offense Daddy.” *turns to look at her father*

Taiyang: “*sniff* There’s no need to apologize sweetie. I’m just so proud of you right now.” *he says as small tears fall from his eyes*

Yang: “Yeah. *sniff* So am I sis.”

Ruby: “Thanks... so what is it you wanted to talk about?”

After much time spent having each and every member of her team and friends see her little blessings they all took time to explain and establish what would be their plan of action to move forward. Nobody could change what happened, Life is filled with hardships and struggles but together they could rise above it. They all had done so many times before and together they would do so again. Ruby was touched that everyone wanted to help so much with caring for her babies, she almost wanted to cry again. She was so happy to have friends and family such as these, a true blessing in her life.

*Knock! Knock!*

Female Doctor: “Miss Rose you have more visitors. They said they’re family to the newborns.”

Ruby: “Were we expectanting anyone else?”

Yang: “Weeeell I might’ve sent a late invitation to one family.”

Saphron: “For the love of- Move out of the way! I want to see my darling niece and nephew!” *pushes by the Doctor*

Female Doctor: “GAH!” *almost trips*

Saphron: *looks around and sees the four couples in the room* “Oh come on! You all got here before me!”

Terra: *entering holding up a five year old Adrian* “Well we would’ve gotten here sooner had someone NOT send us a notice at the very last minute. Then we would’ve been here sooner.”

Adrian: “Hi Everyone!” *while waving*

Ruby: “Hehehe. Sorry it happened so suddenly that well we kinda forgot make a big announcement about it.”

Saphron: “*snort* Ok I guess that’s fair. Now where’s those darling little angels!”

Ruby: “Well they’re right here but they’re sleeping so I would be- *Saphron swiftly takes them* careful with them!”

Saphron: “Oh my gods! Terra look at them! They’re so cute! Rowan has blonde hair like an Arc and Summer has the her mommy’s hair~ Oh could just eat them up!~” *says in a hushed tone*

Terra: “....Saphron. The red haired ones a boy and the blonde is a girl.” *smiles at her wife*

Saphron: *eyes widen and looks at both babies, who she just mixed up* “.... I knew that. I totally knew that I was just saying that to test you.”

Terra: “Sure. Look Adrian, it’s your new cousins. Don’t be like your other mommy and get their genders confused, ok~”

Adrian: “Sum-Sum and Rowen.” *pokes Summer’s cheek*

Summer: “pfff-! Hehehehehe!~”

Everyone: “Awwww~”

Yep. Everything was starting to feel right in the world again.

*One Year Later; Unknown Destination*

Dark Figure 1: “Is he awake?”

Dark Figure 2: “Not yet, but he should awaken soon.”

Dark Figure 1: “I still can’t believe the Master wants to keep this one alive, it took a lot of effort to take him down and we lost too many of our own. We even had to sacrifice brother Nil in order to make a convincing corpse of this one for the Huntsmen to believe.”

Dark Figure 2: “Brother Nil chose to make that sacrifice, his shapeshifting semblance allows him to become the perfect copy of one’s body and blood. Without him we would never had been able to make those heretics believe that £^%3 ^~< was dead.”

Dark Figure 1: “You maybe willing to follow his bold ideas but I do not. I serve only the command of the True Queen, not him.”

Dark Figure 2: “Patience Brother, we will have justice for Nil soon enough. This only serves as a means to fufill the Queen’s Will. Once we have all the pieces of the puzzle, then we can awaken her from her eternal slumber.”

Dark Figure 3: “Quiet! He awakens...”

A man’s eyes open from his deep slumber, he brings one hand up to rub his temple so ease his piercing headache. He tries to raise himself but feels that he is still too weak. What was he sleeping on? He looks around and sees three distinct figures wearing dark robes and were looking at him from different spots of where he was laying. Alarmed by them he tries to get up but the one closest to him places his hand on his shoulders to keep him in place so not for him to go thrashing around.

Dark Figure 3: “My brother, you must not push yourself. You’ve been asleep for a long time, and your body is still too disoriented to move around freely.” *a scraggly male voice*

Awaken Man: “What’s happening? Who are all of you?!”

Dark Figure 2: “Brother, you have been greatly injured in your last mission. You need to be put in a temporary deep sleep in order to heal your wounds. It has been a little over a year ago. As to who we are, we are your companions.” *voice reveals to be a females, who’s sounds like silk*

Awaken Man: “... So I know you all?”

Dark Figure 2: “Yes my friend, you know us all very well. We’ve fought together for many years.”

Awaken Man: “Years...? I... do not recall.”

Dark Figure 3: “Yes. A side effect of the deep sleep treatment I’m afraid. You were dealt a rather heavy injury from the warrior you faced last.”

Awaken Man: “I was fighting someone?”

Dark Figure 3: “Yes, you were fighting against one huntsman named ‘Jaune Arc.’ He was a formidable enemy who had slain over thirty of your own men.”

Awaken Man: “He... killed my men? That bastard! Where is he?!”

Dark Figure 1: “Dead. Slain by your own sword.” *the last member with them stepped in, his voice sounded deep but calm and cold*

Dark Figure 2: “It’s true brother, you had defeated your adversary but soon afterwards you succumbed to your wounds. We had to take you back to our home in order to help you survive.”

Awaken Man: “Yes, I think I’m starting to recall now. I was fighting against a strong warrior, he... had others with him...” *holds his head in an attempt to remember*

Dark Figure 3: “No you are mistaken brother, he was alone when you fought him. But his battle power was vast.”

Awaken Man: “Was he truly? I could’ve sworn...”

Dark Figure 1: “What’s done in the past is done, there is no changing it. You fought Arc, you prevailed and he died. Now come, the Master will be expecting you to fully recover within the next two days.”

Awaken Man: “The Master...?”

Dark Figure 1: “Yes he will be expecting you to come see him, he will want a full report on your mission, Abel.”

Awaken Man: “Abel?”

Dark Figure 1: “Yes, that is your name, Abel Gris. Do you not remember at least that much?”

Abel: “My memory is still not too clear right now, I must have been more injured than I thought.”

Dark Figure 2: “Have no fear brother. We will help you fill in the gaps.” *she runs her hand through his blonde hair*

Abel: “I... thank you my sister.” *it felt odd for him to say that for some reason*

Dark Figure 1: “Well I hope for your sake that you at least remember the events that occurred to you last year before the week is done. The Master is not as understanding as we are and he will expect the full report soon.”

Abel: “Of course... brother.” *why did it feel like there was a spike in his throat to say that*

With that all three of his companions left the healing room. Soon when he felt he was able, he stepped off whatever he was laying on. It looks like a opened metal egg with dark purple crystals sticking out on the sides. He walks forward to wear he sees a mirror at the left side of the room. Slowly he walks over, holding onto what he looks to be injured side that presented the most pain. As he walks up to the mirror he takes a look at himself.

His appearance looks to be young, lean physique despite being in bed for over a year, and what looked to be more than a long horizontal scar to the left of where he supposed his heart is located. A nearly fatal wound indeed. The last thing he looks at is his face. Abel looks at himself as he sees his unkept blonde hair, his pale complexion and his what looked to be dark purple eyes that seemed to have a glow to them. He places his hand ver his reflection in the mirror and narrowed his eyes.

This was the face of Abel Gris. The man who killed Jaune Arc.

- Fin -

[multisuperfandom]

I’ll be your teacher

Part 1 of The True Omega series

Pairing: Scott McCall x reader

Warnings: angst, language, mentions of neglect, unrequited love, loneliness, depression

Summary: You’ve known him almost your entire life. You were close enough to call acquaintances, but not nearly close enough to be called friends. Then again, you weren’t close enough with anyone to call them friends. You were an omega. The absolute definition of an omega. Being born out of an affair, your mother, one of the greatest alphas ever seen, Talia Hale, rejected you. Your father, her former emissary, and almost all of your half siblings hated you for it. You ran away from Beacon Hills when you were 13, after the abuse you had gotten from your father became too much. But the news of an alpha in your home town has lured you back. An alpha comes with a pack, and now the boy you were never close enough with, is a freshly bitten beta. Now you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Between helping the boy you always wanted to be friends with, and finally having a pack. What will you do?

Word count: 1k 

Tags: @nostalthicc

~~~~~~~~

Beacon Hills. You had so many mixed feelings about Beacon Hills. On one hand, it’s your home. It’s where you grew up and became the person you are today. On the other hand, Beacon Hills was where you first learned the hardest lessons in life, where you were the loneliest, the saddest.

You shouldn’t have come back. You knew that long before you ever even thought about coming to California. But the part of you that craves a pack, that craves a connection, dragged you here.

You had a routine in New York. You had a life. You had an apartment. You were a waitress at a small, terrible diner that you were pretty sure was a cover for a mafia scheme, but it was a job. You didn’t have any parents to listen to, any siblings to survive. You’re only responsibility was paying the bills. No people that needed you. No one that cared about you.

But that was the problem.

Now you were sitting in chemistry class, staring at the equation on the board, trying to not die from boredom. Chemistry and science wasn’t your thing. School wasn’t your thing. It bored you. So, why were you here?

To fulfill a childhood hope of yours. Scott McCall and Stiles Stilinski. Mainly Scott McCall.

Growing up, you were always in their class, all the way up until you ran away. You had talked to them, helped them with their school work. You even impressed them with your knowledge of basically anything, but they never wanted to be your friend or show you any attention. After a while, you got used to it. No one ever wanted you, so what’s two more names added to the list, right?

But the seven-year-old little girl in you wanted to at least try.

“Dude, you made first line?” You hear a voice in front of you ask.

“I told you, man, this year is my year,” another voice-Scott McCall, himself-replies before looking across the classroom at someone. Allison Argent. The seven-year-old girl in you hates that. Allison’s family has tried to kill you several times, each meeting you barely made it out. But that’s not why you hate it. You hate it because of this stupid, pathetic crush you’ve harbored for Scott since the 3rd grade. It was completely crazy but you couldn’t stand to see him want her. Not when you’ve wanted him for so long.

“Are you coming to the game tomorrow?” The first voice -Stiles- ask. There’s silence for a moment before you realize he’s talking to you. Lifting your head, you see both boys staring at you.

“Of course,” you say shortly, before silently cursing yourself.

“It’s gonna be my first game,” Scott says, giving you a small smile.

“I would say good luck but you’re gonna do great out there.”

“McCall, Stilinski, Locks, do I need to separate you?” The teacher calls.

“No, sir,” the three of you say in unison.

You look at Scott once silence gathers among the students and the teacher starts talking. His scent changed a couple of days ago, and for a while, you couldn’t figure out why. Because of your weakened senses, it was hard for you to tell that he was bitten by the same alpha that brought you here. But now you clearly tell the difference in him.

This could be really good or really bad. This could be your first-class ticket to the pack you’ve always wanted or a first-class ticket to the afterlife.

~~~~~~~~~~

“You shouldn’t have come back.” Derek paces the floors of his old, burnt house.

“You came back,” You mutter before receiving a glare from your half brother.

“It’s dangerous here.”

“It’s dangerous everywhere for an omega!” Derek gives you a sympathetic look. You hate that look. You hate pity and everything that comes with it.

“Y/N-“

“You don’t get it, Derek! Laura rejected me! Mom rejected me!” You scream, your face turning red but you don’t care. There things you’ve been needing to say to him since you were 13. “I’ve been alone my entire life! You’ve had a pack, you’ve had teachers to teach you control. You wanna know how I learned? By sneaking into that fucking backyard and watching mom teach Laura! That’s how I learned!”

“Y/N,” he stops himself halfway, tilting his head slightly. For as long as you’ve known Derek, you’ve gotten to learn what he does when his certain senses are working.

“You hear something, don’t you?” You ask, grabbing his arm. He shakes you off and starts walking out the front door.

“Wait here.” Even though you don’t want to, you follow his instructions, staying almost completely still. But the waiting gets to be too much and you walk outside to stand behind Derek.

“I told you to stay inside,” he snarls at you, grabbing your arm but you shrug him off as he did to you.

“Maison?” The boy that Derek was talking to asks. You almost don’t respond before you remember that the name you’ve been called since you got back was Maison Locks. There was no way to know how many people knew that Y/N L/N was the love child of Talia Hale and F/N L/N. It was safer to be Maison Locks until you find out who the alpha is.

“Scott, what are you doing here?” You ask the boy that you have always secretly wanted to notice you. He never did, not until you came back a month ago. Now he and Stiles Stilinski talk to you in English and chemistry. But he doesn’t remember you from before, he just knows you as Maison.

“I just offered to teach him how to control the shift,” Derek says from the steps of the house. Your feet have worked on their own and now you are standing face to face with Scott McCall.

“I wouldn’t say yes,” you whisper in his ear so that Derek wouldn’t hear. You catch yourself saying these things, partly for payback, partly to spend some time with the boy. “He’s not the best teacher. Short-temper and all.”

“How am I supposed to learn how not to shift and almost murder Allison then?” Allison. You forgot about Allison. Of course, this is about Allison. “Or play lacrosse without hurting someone?”

“I can teach you,” you whisper again, less eager this time. This stupid crush of yours is interfering with your mind. Originally, you were just gonna come and find the alpha. Now you are a sophomore at Beacon Hills High School, only because you saw Scott at the grocery store. How are you supposed to find the alpha if you are teaching a new beta how to control himself. But you can’t stop yourself. All you have ever wanted was to have friends and people to depend on. Whether that was a pack or a group of friends. And you always wanted to be his friend.

“You can teach me?”

“I can, I’m an excellent teacher.” That was not a complete lie but it wasn’t also the truth. No one has ever cared enough about you to talk to you for more than ten minutes, much less have you teach them anything. So you taught yourself, maybe you will be a horrible teacher.

“You’re a werewolf?” He asks hesitantly. Nodding, you look up at him with your glowing blue eyes.

“Ok, ok,” he nods before taking a step back. You try to ignore the familiar aching pain in your heart. You tell yourself you’re used to it. Why would anyone want to be close to the omega? Except for your father, but you’re quick to push the thought of. Thoughts like that make controlling yourself hard.

“We’ll start tomorrow,” you say with a small smile. Turning and walking away, your smile grows to a large grin when you see Derek. Hearing crunching of leaves, you know that Scott has left and you are free to speak freely with Derek.

But when you step onto the stairs, he grabs your arm roughly, pulling you close. “That was a stupid move, omega.” His blue eyes looking at you in a way you’ve never seen them look at you. Like he hates you too. “How would an omega teach anyone, anything?”

Your strength surprises him and you when you yank your arm from his hold. Your own blue eyes echoed back to his. You’re angry, no beyond angry. For your entire life, everyone has always told you how worthless and unwanted you are. But never Derek. Never your brother, who always said how much he cared about you and wanted to protect you. But this, this isn’t him caring about you, this is him trying to dominate you. And you won’t have it.

“No, Derek, the stupid move was you thinking that you can treat me like a worthless omega.” You back away from him, shaking your head. You want to escape this. Escape the emotions you are feeling, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger. You want to leave it all. “Born werewolves are taught that we can rise and fall through the ranks. How fucking untrue is that? Once you’re an omega, you will always stay an omega.”

“That’s not true, Y/N.” He tries to get close to you, but you keep stepping back, away from him.

“No? What alpha wants another alpha’s trash? Their unwanted, worthless scum that doesn’t deserve a pack?” You keep talking, trying to push away the tears. “I just thought you were different than the rest.”

And then you were gone, gone from the emotions, from the man you thought was your brother, gone from this hurting.

~~~~~~~~

Because you watched your mother teach Laura, you learned more than just control. You are an evolved werewolf, just like your mother and Laura were.

Not many people know. You weren’t even sure if Derek knew, but it didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered right now, then getting home.

You should’ve driven, especially if the Argents are patrolling the woods. But you’re faster as a wolf; stronger, more in tune with your senses. You figured that you were safer running through the woods as a wolf than driving down the highway in your car.  

But now every noise you hear is scaring you. Every snap of a branch, every call of an owl. You aren’t safe. Your senses are in hyperdrive. Something’s coming. You need to get out of the woods.

You used to know every inch of this town. Every crack on the sidewalk. Every route to get to places. But two years away from Beacon Hills has interrupted your mind’s map of the small town. The panic that is rushing through your veins doesn’t help at all.

Where is the closest business or building that I can go to? You think.  

Come on! think, Y/N, think!

I am on the edge of the woods. I’ve been running north since I left Derek.

Where am I?

What am I near?

Your heart pounds in your ear. The sounds of your breathing fill the air, and you begin the wonder if whatever is after you can hear it too. You need to think and think quickly.

Deaton.

~~~~~~~

You pound on the door, soaking wet from the rain that at some point began falling. You’re shaking, whether that from fear or the cold, you can’t tell.

Come on, Deaton. Open up, you plead in your mind.

The door opens slowly and you release a breath that you didn’t know you were holding.

“Maison?” The person that opened the door asks. It was definitely not Deaton.

“Scott?” You whisper. Your senses are weaker in your human form and that scares you more than anything. “Can I come in?”

He nods and widens the door for you. Giving him a gentle smile, you step into the veterinarian clinic. You had seen your mother and other alphas coming here so many times. This place, in your mind, had always meant safety. Deaton had probably patched up more of your wounds than you cared to admit.

“What are you doing here?” Scott asks, interrupting your train of thought.

You suddenly become very interested in your hands. “I was scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know.” It was embarrassing to admit. It made you seem weak, and you hated being seen as weak.

“Was it hunters?” He asks, kneeling to be face to face with you. He was kind, you knew that about him already but he surprised you with just how kind he was. He wasn’t treating you like a pathetic child whose afraid of the dark. He actually wants to know what was scaring you.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I have my mom’s car for the next couple of hours. Do you want me to take you home once I close up?” you nod.

Scott smiles at you before standing up and cleaning up the clinic. You watch him move, watch the way he glides through the room. You had never met someone who was like him or someone you liked as much as you like him. You probably won’t ever.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah.”

[fencer-x]

Belated end-of-year fic meme

So, it’s already 2020, but I couldn’t technically post this meme until Erised reveals went up, so I’m posting it now! These are just some comments and discussions about the writing that I did this year. High word count, low fic output--that’s pretty normal for me!

GENERAL STATS

List of Fics Posted:

Fandom: Harry Potter Every New Beginning (141k, explicit; Eighth Year fic + time traveling) Pensieve For Your Thoughts (22k, explicit; pinch hit for HD Erised 2010, Eighth Year fic w/a fair bit of dubious consent going on)

Fandom: Promare spend some time with me (i really like your company) (73k, explicit [to be on the safe side]; canon re-write)

Total number: 3 Total word count: 236,239

Ship/character breakdown: Ship breakdown: [Harry Potter] Drarry, Hermione/Ron, Pansy/Parvati, and little tiny hints of other ships; [Promare] GaloLio, background implied Gueira/Meis

Characters that had the main focus: I'm happy to report I wrote from Draco's POV for the first time! My HP fics so far have all been Harry POV, so it was actually fun writing from Draco's POV, though I think most of my fics work better from Harry POV. Promare fic was from Lio's POV mostly because that's what the fic called for, and it was interesting--not sure if I'd go for that POV on the usual (update since I drafted this post: I think, strangely enough, I prefer Lio’s POV, as I’m well into fic #2 from his perspective). Promare fics focused, also, on Mad Burnish, which I really enjoyed writing (I'm much more of a Mad Burnish fan than Burning Rescue, so perhaps that's why XD)

Details

Best/worst title?

Best title: This is gonna be very subjective. I'm actually happy with all three of the titles?? I think Every New Beginning, though; because it's only after you finish the fic that you realize it's a (SPOILER ALERT) spoiler for the entire story. I like that little detail :D

Worst title: maybe spend some time with me (i really like your company)? I actually like the title, but it's a little bit OF a cop-out, just lifitng a line from lyrics, and it's difficult to google XD (update since I drafted this post: YOU FOOL, YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN FOR YOUR NEW FIC NOW, WHY??? YOU CAN’T TRACK THAT)

Best/worst first line?

Best: I am far less comfortable with opening lines than closing ones. But I guess my favorite of these three is, /Kray Foresight liked to think himself a patient man./ The others are kind of generic, and it was interesting writing this bit from Kray's POV. Not a fun headspace.

Worst: /In retrospect, he should never have trusted a book that came from Pansy./ Not a terrible opener. Not an amazing one. In my defense, I was pressed for time when I wrote it, and I probably would've stewed over it a little longer to pick something with a bit more hook, but it did the job.

Best/worst last line?

Best: I'm satisfied with all of them, but I liked the entire epilogue of ENB, so the final line is probably my favorite: /He devoured his breakfast in record time, then Banished his tray and dishes back to the kitchen before tossing aside the duvet and padding into the bathroom to deliver his complaints about the turkey bacon to the chef in person./

Worst: It was tough finding a place to end the Promare fic that felt satisfying, so probably this one: /The distant whir of chopper blades whistling through the air grew louder and louder, and Lio leaned in to press his lips against Galo’s, lingering as long as he possibly could before whispering, “…Why don’t you start by teaching me how to ride a motorcycle?”/

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

More! Because if I'd gone by my original plan, I'd have completed precisely one (1) fic this year in Every New Beginning. I was well into drafting my next fic after that when I tripped headlong into the Promare fandom, and I was eager to get that fic out before fandom died down, so I poured myself into it. Then the Erised fic was a pinch-hit, so I wasn't expecting to write it at all.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

Well. Promare didn't exist last year, so 8D I also probably wouldn't have predicted I'd write any Pansy/Parvati and find it cute.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

SSTWM, I think! I've had SO much fun with Promare so far, and getting to explore a slight twist on the canon, building out the Burnish society and delving into relationships I wished I'd seen explored further in the canon was really satisfying. I'm glad I wrote it.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

...And it's also my most popular story this year, too, by pretty much every metric AO3 can give me: hits, kudos, and bookmarks (ENB has more comments, but it's also been out rather a lot longer). The Promare fandom is hot hot hot right now (no pun intended), so I expect that contributed.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

Probably my pinch-hit right now, if only because I wasn't able to show it off when it got posted because of the Erised rules. It's also a one-shot, whereas ENB is a multi-chapter monster.

Story that could have been better?

Wish I'd had a bit more time to play with my Erised submission, but them's the breaks with pinch-hitting! I'm satisfied with how it came out, but me being me, I love writing longfic and would've wanted to make something more of it.

Sexiest story?

Pensieve For Your Thoughts, very much so :D

Saddest story?

Every New Beginning, definitely. It's not a sad fic, per se, but it's quite sad in places, and the overall plot is not a happy one. It has a happy ending, but you'll want to read the tags carefully before checking it out.

Most fun?

SSTWM, getting to flesh out the Burnish colony--LOTS of fun. Gueira and Galo's rivalry in particular was a hoot XD

Story with single sweetest moment?

I think this bit from SSTWM:

“But maybe I can do something a little more my style?”

“Your style?” Lio repeated, dubious, and Thymos brought a hand up, resting it just over his heart. Lio tried not to let his eye linger on the spangling of scars covering his bare arm—was he not freezing, nearly naked as he was?

“When I was recovering in the hospital after the fire Kray rescued me from, he used to come and visit me. Sometimes he’d bring food, or toys, or games—but this one time he brought me a book. It was about firefighters—firefighters from all over the globe, way back before the Great World Blaze, even. That’s where I learned about the ones from that Asian country, see. But there was this one chapter about firefighters from this huge city—looked a lot like Promepolis, actually—and it was so huge, there used to be thousands of these firefighters who worked day and night to keep it safe. And when someone wanted to join their ranks, they had to get up in front of all their peers and speak an oath.”

Lio held his breath, though he wasn’t quite sure why, and tuned every nerve in his body to Thymos in that moment.

Thymos closed his eyes, his hand still splayed over his heart. “‘I promise concern for others, and a willingness to help all those in need. I promise courage: Courage to face and conquer my fears. Courage to share and endure the ordeal of those who need me. I promise strength of heart to bear whatever burdens might be placed upon me, and strength of body to deliver to safety all those placed within my care. I promise the wisdom to lead, the compassion to comfort, and the love to serve unselfishly whenever I am called.’” He opened his eyes, fixing Lio in place. “I promise. All of it.”

Lio’s heart was thudding mercilessly in his chest, and he worried that if he opened his mouth to speak, it might just leap right out. He swallowed thickly to keep it in place and then rasped, “...Grand words for a glorified member of a bucket brigade.”

“Was hoping you’d be impressed I remembered it, after all these years.”

“I am,” Lio said, taking great pains to ensure his sincerity came through.

Hardest story to write?

Pensieve For Your Thoughts; I dislike anything resembling noncon, and while I'm satisfied with what I did, if I'd had more time, I would've found a workaround so the consent wasn't nearly as dubious. I think my recipient liked it, though, so all's well! I also find writing porn difficult, and that story was like 70% porn XD Why I did that to myself, we'll never know.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

Every New Beginning, especially all the bits of Harry and Draco getting closer; I love writing their banter, LOVE IT. I wish I could write a story that's nothing but banter. Someone pay me to do that please.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I love Lio, but we don't get too much characterization in the film; it was therefore kind of eye-opening writing from his POV. Of course no fan's characterization is going to be quite the same as what the creators might have imagined, but I still enjoyed what came out of it.

Most overdue story?

Eh, two of them weren't on any sort of deadline whatsoever, and I'm pretty sure I got my Erised piece in before the deadline! So we were good this year :)

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I used NaNoWriMo as a 'goal' for finishing my Promare fic--I not only finished the fic, I also completed 50k of it during November, so I technically beat NaNoWriMo too! I learned that if I really want to hit a goal and feel like I have to, I have the complete and total capacity to do that. It's just a matter of will for me.

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

To finish my next Drarry fic, aka the one that was supposed to come after Every New Beginning but got pushed to the back-burner by the sudden insistent arrival of Promare in my life. I also want to write for Erised PROPERLY this year and organize a Promare fanwork event around the one-year anniversary :D

[takaraphoenix]

Buffy dir the ask Game

Aaah! *^* Thanks for asking, I had hoped that may come up! xD

Answers under the cut though, because this turned into... literally 3k words worth of fangirl rambling. That’s what happens when you make me talk about the things I love the most. *ducks head*

Top 5 favourite characters: Spike, Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg, Xander Harris, Rupert Giles

Other characters you like: let’s make that five more then! Daniel Osbourne, Andrew Wells, Cordelia Chase, Anya Jenkins, Drusilla

Least favourite characters:Dawn Summers by a landslide

Otps: Spike/Buffy, Tara/Being Alive, Willow/Tara, Xander/Cordelia, Xander/Anya, Giles/Joyce (I always wanted Giles to become Buffy’s dad, officially and legally ;-;), Cordelia/Buffy, Giles/Spike, Oz/Andrew (LISTEN, I love Oz, I hate that he left and only came back once to see his girlfriend his now a lesbian. I wanted him to return for good and I wanted Andrew to be explicitely gay and not just Word Of God gay)

Notps: Xander/Dawn - like, her crush on him was cute and all, but that season 8 really had to make THAT canon was… not necessary… Also Giles/Buffy is really the only Hard No ship I’ve encountered in this fandom, otherwise even when I don’t vibe with a ship, it’s more a shrug and keep scrolling

Favourite friendships: THE GOLDEN TRIO. Xander-Willow-Buffy. I love them

Favourite family:The friends we found along the way. Seriously, the Scooby-gang absolutely counts as a family. Joyce and Giles are the parents, Xander and Willow (who supposedly have parents but we never meet them and they don’t seem to care much) are as much a part of this family as Buffy ;^;

Favourite episodes: HAH! The one show where I can actually name them, without having to cross-check what the episodes are called and what happens where! xD

Once More With Feeling: clearly. IT’S A MUSICAL EPISODE. And it is so good. The singing is so good. I immediately bought the soundtrack and I listened to it on a loop for months. Then the content! The Spuffy is so good, the Buffy angst, everyone gets an adorable moment and then that ending that kills me

Tabula Rasa: I love this episode. It is so whacky but again also with angst, because that Willow/Tara is murderous

The Body: I mean, in a masochistic kind of way do I love this episode. It is… it is so heartbreaking. I’ve seen it like twelve times now and I still cry every single time. How vulnerable Buffy is, the Tara-Buffy friendship, Anya has one of my favorite moments when she confronts what death means. This episode is an absolute sucker-punch

Favourite season/book/movie: Season 6, hands down. Other TV shows always try to one-up it - so they fought demons in season 1, how about they fight SATAN HIMSELF in season 3? The escalation is very rapid in most supernatural shows nowadays. That Buffy took a step back and spent essentially a whole season on character development and friendships and human issues? Also two of my favorite episodes happen in this season, so that makes it all the more special to me!

Favourite quotes:Okay, so, full disclosure I love the musical episode but I listened to Rest in Peace THE MOST. And the lines “I died so many years ago, you can make me feel like it isn’t so” just completely wrecks me. Like, there’s a whole lot of memorable quips in this show and the line “I’m the thing that monsters have nightmares about” is ALSO absolutely outstanding

Best musical moment: When Buffy says “I think I was in heaven”, just the way her voice breaks, the reaction on everybody’s face? This silly musical just outed her biggest secret, the thing that’s going to hurt everyone around her with guilt and the thing that’s wrecking her life. That moment is so good

Moment that made you fangirl/boy the hardest: William Pratt. Getting explicit flashbacks to flesh out Spike’s past, to meet the man he used to be and see what he was like. Also genuinely every any flashback about the Fanged Four. This is something I KEEP yelling about in all the supernatural genre shows - if you have centuries old characters then USE THAT. Show me their past! Seriously the wasted potential of flashbacks around Magnus Bane on Shadowhunters is downright insulting. But Buffy? Every time it explored more, showed me more, I fangirled so hard. Also genuinely when Buffy slept with Satsu in season 8 - like, I know there were no grand romantic feelings but Buffy Summers had sex with a woman and… c’mon, Buffy’s not 100% straight, she just isn’t, I stand by bi!Buffy

When it really disappointed you:When some greedy asshat decided to do a comic reboot and retcon Willow into being Out And Proud in high school and be Gay All Along. Fuck. You. Like, yeah, sure, obviously am I all for out and proud teenage rep! But not at the cost of erasing existing rep! Not when it’s a retcon that actively erases an “I took longer to realize my feelings and be true to myself” lesbian, because those exist and are valid and deserve to be seen too and by retconning her into being out in high school, instead of having boyfriends in high school and only coming to terms when she is in college and actually MEETS her first lesbian to realize that this could be her truth, by doing that, you’re effectively sending the message that only Gold Star Lesbians are valid and genuinely fuck you for doing this. Also, from what I’ve heard that comic reboot effectively erased Drusilla’s insanity and victimhood to have her be an evil mastermind villain and… no… that’s not the character anymore then; a huge point of Drusilla was that she was a victim, most specifically Angel’s victim, that he broke her completely so we can see the bad and depth of Angelus’ worst days, it’s important for the plot even if it makes you uncomfortable to see a woman be a victim, in her case her victimhood and her insanity are literally what make her her. You just created a new character. There is some really wrong SJW bullshit going on in there and it’s dumb. If you wanna tell new stories, do that. But don’t take this existing beautiful story and slaughter it for your own whims what the fuck, I genuinely loathe that this comic exists and I’m glad that the TV show thing is going to be a spin-off sequel and not an actual reboot because don’t fucking reboot Buffy

Saddest moment: Joyce’s death, definitely. But also when Giles decides to leave, that breaks my heart every time

Most well done character death:ALSO Joyce’s death

Favourite guest star: I… really don’t know, like I don’t know who’d count as just guest, when looking at the cast list most the ones I would have said are technically recurring characters and then it’s also not really asking for the character but the actor, huh? Retrospectively probably Wentworth Miller, because he has become an actor I like a lot so seeing smol!Wentworth in Buffy is adorable

Favourite cast member: James Marsters. If tumblr existed back when Buffy first aired, all my Dominic Sherwood obsession could be fully translated onto him. He was one of my three first actor obsessions and he still remains that, to this day

Character you wish was still alive: ANYA. There was no need to kill Anya off in the finale, I wish season 8 could have had that happy, good Xander/Anya content… ;-;

One thing you hope really happens: I am so excited and afraid of the sequel spin-off. That could be so great (or a disaster and that’s the part that frightens me), but what REALLY needs to happen is that Sarah Michelle Gellar guest stars. Of course not as a regular, it is supposed to be about a new slayer. But I need them to then also acknowledge what has been before. Maybe others could guest star too, cameo occasionally (though it would be hilarious if Andrew was a regular and like a… guide to the new kid). Ideally, I would get to see every Scooby at least once in this spin-off but what really needs to happen is that Buffy Summers appears in it

Most shocking twist: When they killed off Buffy… and there was another season. Like. This was pre “everybody dies and is frequently brought back from the dead, death doesn’t stick” TV era (actually, it is the mother of that trope, really), so that was… really a shocker.

When did you start watching/reading?: Ironically, during my least favorite season. Season 4. The initiative was the most bland and obnoxious plotline, Riley/Buffy is a ship I really don’t dig and I was a teen so American college was Weird And Confusing and also uninteresting. However, I had been DYING to watch that show for three years and been deemed too young to watch it so it was really exciting that my mom finally allowed me and also I WAS right on time for the lesbian coming out and that still to this day blows my mind because Willow and Tara were the first lesbians I got to see on TV and it still means the world to me. I then got caught up on reruns, watching the first three seasons, but even on rewatchs, plot-wise season 4 is the weakest for me

Best animal/creature: Miss Kitty Fantastico, by default? xD I think she is the only animal in the whole series… and she just kind of… disappeared too ôÔ°°°

Favourite location: THE LIBRARY I LOVE THE LIBRARY SO MUCH

Trope you wish they would stop using: Mmmh… I… I mean, when rewatching this as an adult, I gotta admit the early Angel/Buffy is very uncomfortable. Back when I was Buffy’s age and younger I thought it was the coolest thing that this vampire loved this teenage girl, but as an adult I have come to re-evaluate all the 16/17 year old girl getting together with a 100+ year old vampire because that most definitely is a very concerning age-gap and… not necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always also hold love for them because I loved them back when I first watched it too and I think they have a fascinating and epic tragic romance, but… media’s gotta stop pushing the idea that centuries old immortals find high school kids romantically and sexually attractive; it’s not a good look

One thing this show/book/film does better than others: Clearly sell me on the canon romance, if you look at my list of OTPs where nearly all of them are canon. Also THIS IS PROPER FOUND FAMILY YO. I’m so tired of shows pretending to be “the team is a family” and then it’s all just deceite and distrust and miscommunication and tragic. AND where this show 100% outdoes… literally everything else I have ever read and watched is the mental health. Buffy died and came back from the dead and instead of just shrugging it off and doing business as usual, we spent a whole season on her depression and dealing with the aftermath of it. Same goes for Willow and her grief over Tara and her addiction. Bad things happen to the characters and it’s not just used as a cheap ploy for more drama, they have ramifications and are being dealt with.

Funniest moments: When Tabula Rasa made everyone assume new identities and everyone thought Giles was Anya’s sugar daddy and Spike’s actual father? Also the time that Giles kept himself a pet-Spike in his home because no one trusted Spike yet (reasonably so). And honestly, countless more - this is one of the funniest shows I ever watched, the quips and one-liners are absolute killers.

Couple you would like to see: Huh. Can I go really vague and say that I would like to see a wlw couple with at least one lesbian in the spin-off sequel? Like, obviously do I hope that this new iterations brings more rep to the table - LGBT as well as POC because if I have to admit one flaw in my favorite show then that it’s very 90s white - but even among that, I really hope there will be at least one lesbian character, who gets to have an on-screen romance

Actor/Actress you want to join the cast: As mentioned above, I hope Sarah Michelle Gellar and others join the cast at the very least as guest stars.

Admittedly, I also would murder to see Dominic Sherwood play a vampire on this new show.

Those two would be the ones I’d love to see join the cast. However, I kind of got lost in an entire fan-cast here, so have my pitch for what I’d love the spin-off’s cast to look like. I have no idea what age-range it’s going to be though. Probably teenagers again, but I kind of hope early to mid twenties.

My dream cast, which isn’t going to happen because she already has a lead role in a TV show so she’s too busy, but I’d LOVE to see China Anne McClain as the new slayer.

And, okay I admit this is Marvel based type-casting, but I’d LOVE to see Lyrica Okano as the witch friend (the group needs a witch friend).

Sarah Jeffery for the Cordelia-type role. The bitchy cheerleader - but she’s actualy a closeted lesbian who joins the team when she accepts her own identity and befriends the group.

It’s probably also type casting to make David Castro play another brooding vampire, but listen he’s about the same age as China and he would give off good Angel vibes to her Slayer?

Jane Lynch as the Watcher. But not a soft dad like Giles, more the grumpy, annoyed mom who now has all those irritating children running after her even though she is just trying to teach her charge how to be a Slayer.

Favourite outfit: EVIL DOPPELGÄNGER WILLOW’S VAMPIRE DOMINATRIX OUTFIT *^*

Favourite item: I love the dumb axe. Like, I think it looks WAY too modern to be this ancient tool, but dang it’s pretty

Do you own anything related to this show/book/film?: my phone-case, all seasons on DVD, the soundtrack of the musical episode on CD, I probably still got my old bedsheets somewhere. I do wish I had more merch, in a different time I probably would have spent all my money on Buffy figures, but those weren’t available way back when and now that I have access to the internet’s treasure-hunting-sites, I… have learned to… mostly… manage my money better than mindlessly buy merch (though if Funko Pop finishes that… Rock Candy series with all the main characters, I will definitely buy those. As it stands, there’s only Willow and Buffy available right now…)

What house/team/group/friendship group/family/race etc would you be in?: I would definitely not be a slayer. Maybe a witch??

Most boring plotline: The initiative. Seriously. I’m HARD anti military and this bullshit of college soldiers policing the supernatural world was… boring and weird. Got even weirder when it turned into Frankenstein at the end

Most laughably bad moment: ooof that puppet episodes had quite some intentionally cringey moments

Best flashback/flashfoward if any: ALL OF THEM. NOT A SINGLE NOT GOOD FLASHBACK THERE. GIVE ME ALL OF THE PAST

Most layered character: Spike. Fight me on that. Seriously, his past as a human, as a vampire, his present, his will to gain a soul, his dynamics with all the Scoobies, I love him. To be fair, Buffy is also the most layered character though

Most one dimensional character:huuuh… Dawn? I mean, seriously she is just every teen angst trope crammed into one, with zero tolerance for what the only slightly older adults may be going through, they even made her shoplift for attention, I swear she could have only been more of a cringey teen trope if she also Cut For Attention… -___- Like. She… She got slightly better with time, but out of all these multi-facetted characters, she is definitely the flattest

Scariest moment: Puppets creep me out so the puppet episode was definitely scary for me. Also the Silence I mean damn that was an amazing episode but it was creepy as fuck

Grossest moment: mh… I can’t think of one, really. I’m unsure if there were any really gross moments

Best looking male: Spike!

Best looking female: Doppelgänger Willow. Don’t judge me. Also Evil Willow. Okay you can judge me a little

Who you’re crushing on (if any): Never really had a crush on any of the characters

Favourite cast moment: That was… pre-internet times, we didn’t get immediately swamped by posts and videos and photos of the cast, there was very little access to these things so I was never really exposed to that

Favourite transportation: THE RV. I loved when they were on the run for half an episode and just all lived in an RV together :D”““

Most beautiful scene (scenery/shot wise): I really don’t know

Unanswered question/continuity issue/plot error that bugs you:It’s a very well-rounded series and I was never actually left with major questions

Best promo: The best promo it had was running in our living room so I could carefully sneak a peek when going to bed and thus want to watch the show :D”

At what point did you fall in love with this show/book: When Willow/Tara happened. I didn’t even know that I’m a lesbian back then. I was like 10 back then. This was literally the first time I saw two women be together. Back then I didn’t know what about it amazed me so much. Cue in 12 year old Phoe slowly realizing “oooh I’m a lesbian that’s why the lesbians spoke to me”. But yeah, being the first show to show me lesbians exist, that was when I fell in love and then I got to watch the whole show and it is just such a perfect show that it was impossible not to love it

IN DEPTH FANDOM QUESTIONS

[tsukihimeyfan]

To Undertale

In honor of its 4 year anniversary, I would like to talk a bit about Undertale (I know I’m a bit late, but bear with me). Apologies ahead of time for the long post, and to anyone who reads it in its entirety; thank you. Also thank you very much to Toby Fox for giving birth to this masterpiece that has touched all of us so much :) I will be discussing several important details in the story, so SPOILER ALERT (just in case)

I came upon Undertale very late. It had already been out for about a year when I first heard about it, but everyone said such wonderful things and I was curious, so I decided to watch a playthrough on youtube, just to sate my curiosity. But Oh Man, I was not prepared for what I found: a gorgeous soundtrack, dozens of memorable characters, an amazing story, an incredible journey, and a veritable fountain of feelings sprouting in my heart. I fell in love.

For at least several weeks afterwards, the words “stay determined”, “everyone can be better if they just try” and “despite everything, it’s still you” bounced around in my head. Also, the idea that “even if its painful, even if you are going through a hard time, you can always choose to be kind, and happiness can always be found there, for others as well as yourself” became embedded in my soul. Even now, thinking about the True Pacifist ending fills me with joy. It was only fairly recently that I finally completed my own playthrough of the game, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were still many little secrets to uncover (for example, did you know that the  “gauntlet of deadly terror” bridge is just a rock formation that Papyrus painted over to make it more dramatic? He also added the rope for safety LOL😂)

The best part of the game, in my opinion, are the main characters. They are all more complex than they appear, they all have their struggles, and I would like to talk a bit about my opinions and theories about all of them.

Let us start from the beginning and talk about everyone’s favorite goatmom, Toriel. Of course, we all know her sadness at the death of her children, new and old, but if we really think about it there are signs that the situation may have been even worse than it seems... Namely, the shoe box in the room Toriel prepares for Frisk. If you check it, it says there are several shoes “in a disparity of sizes”. Presumably, these are the shoes left behind by the human children before they left the ruins, but they surely didn’t leave the ruins barefoot, right? And if they only stayed with Toriel for a day or so like Frisk does then she wouldn’t have had the opportunity or the need to go out and get some for them. This implies that each human child that fell probably stayed with Toriel for a while, long enough for her to need to buy them new shoes, maybe even because they outgrew their original pair. This, in turn, means that she had a chance to really get to know them, take care of them, and love them, unlike Frisk, who she only took care of for a little while before we leave. This might explain why she is so angry at Asgore, why it is unlikely that she will ever forgive him. If this is true, he not only killed random innocent human children that she didn’t really know, which is bad enough on its own, he might have killed her children, children she treasured. This also explains why she is so obsessive about protecting Frisk from everything and keeping them in the ruins no matter the cost. And yet, despite her pain, her “loneliness and her fear”, she still is one of the most gentle, kind and caring characters you meet, even willing to try to prevent Asgore’s death as well as Frisk’s. Toriel is best goatmom <3

Then we meet the star of the True Pacifist run (especially if you call him often); the Great Papyrus! He is my second favorite character for good reason. He is so much fun from the very beginning. Although he might appear to be a bit narcissistic at first, you quickly realize that in truth he is just lonely and desperate to impress in a misguided attempt to make more friends. Even so, he is always attentive to the feelings of his friends and tries his best to make them feel better. His relationship with Undyne is also quite adorable, and there are signs that he knows more than he lets on about everything (he is at the very least great at gauging the emotional state of people and manipulating them a little to push them towards self improvement, as Frisk’s date with Undyne and his warning about Alphys can demonstrate). Also, the way he always tries to believe the best of people, even in the worst circumstances or when he is scared, is truly admirable. I really love that precious cinnamon roll

Then there is Sans. Oh my god, Sans. He steals the show in the genocide route, truly. He is my favorite character of all, and there are so many things about him you don’t find out if you don’t dig deeper and talk to several people. First of all, he is a wonderful brother. Although he always teases Papyrus, he does his best to cheer him up all the time (for example, in the Genocide route he says that Junior Jumble is the hardest, even though in other routes he says its the crossword, just to make Papyrus feel a bit better when the human refuses to play along with his puzzles), he pays the bills for the house, he probably gave Papyrus his action figures (Papyrus tells you santa gave them to him, but there is a thank you letter to santa in Sans’ room), he made sure Papyrus’ room was super cool and comfortable when he doesn’t even have a bed frame himself, he was probably the one who bought Papyrus his car on the surface (one of the guys at Grillby’s tells you that he spends most of his time checking out car magazines), he helped  him build his sentry station and battle body, and he reads him bed time stories every night. Second of all, although he seems to be a comic relief character at first, he is struggling with major depression (you can find out that he is eating less, he doesn’t sleep much at all at night, he feels hopeless all the time, he seems fatigued all day, and he doesn’t see a point in doing anything at all) and is probably using humor to cope. Finally, there is Sans’ heroism as well as his tragedy: he is one of the only characters who is aware of the resets. First he had to live through Flowey’s endless resets, when he first befriended everyone and then proceeded to kill them all in a variety of ways, presumably being the one to stop him from getting the human souls several times (Flowey tells you that Sans has caused him “more than his fair share of resets”). Then there is YOU, who manage to free the monsters, begrudgingly earn his trust/friendship, and then rip it all away (even worse, he is completely aware of your betrayal; if you reset after a True Pacifist ending, you can find a picture of Frisk smiling happily with all of your friends together, and the only time such a picture is taken is when you all make it to the surface, so he certainly knows that you freed everyone and then returned them to the darkness for your curiosity). And yet despite all of that, despite knowing that fighting you is pointless (especially since he can tell every time he kills you and you load your save file), despite not having hope anymore that he will one day see the sun and remain under its light, he still fights you fiercely on the genocide route, again and again, employing all of his considerable power, but not for himself (he doesn’t hope for anything anymore after all); its because he still wants his brother and his friends to have a better future, because he knows that if you win the world will end and no one will ever return, because he still wants you to reset so that everyone will come back and have another chance at happiness, no matter how brief. Jesus christ, this character gives me all of the feels. I love him so much

As for Undyne, I love how she seems so rough but is actually very sweet to her friends and loved ones, and she cares so much for her fellow monsters, always trying her best for their sake. Also, her crush on Alphys is the cutest thing ever, particularly if you take the time to call her often (you’d be surprised how often she talks about Alphys. Papyrus also tries to encourage her several times to be honest with her feelings, and their dynamic is frankly the best mentor-student relationship I’ve ever seen)

In the case of Flowey, I really like how he is a sort of reflection of the player ingame, especially for those who chose to go through the genocide route (“‘I don’t like this’, I told myself, ‘I’m just doing this because I have to see what happens’ Hahaha, what an excuse!”). And the Asriel twist was truly masterfully executed.

I really empathize with Alphys in a lot of ways, since I struggle with social anxiety myself. Her journey to overcome her self hatred and be honest about her mistakes is really touching. I love how her friends understand that she only had the best of intentions at heart and continue to stand by her when she comes clean about what she did. Friendship can really make all the difference in the world for those of us who are struggling like her in one way or another. Her apparent suicide if you kill Mettaton or Undyne, her pillars of support, is one of the saddest things in the game I think. I also really admire how during genocide she presumably opens up the true lab for the evacuating monsters despite her fears, and if you abandon the genocide route in Hotland she takes charge in order to protect all monsters in Undyne’s stead

When we first meet him, my opinion of Mettaton is the same as Undyne’s; “I don’t really like that guy, but I admire his lifestyle”. However, I really enjoyed his growth as a character after Frisk beats him and his fans remind him of what is truly important. He becomes so much more supportive of his friends, and I really like how he always stays true to who he is, even going so far as to find the body/look that perfectly represented how he felt inside, and later encouraged others to do the same (like giving that one lion his dress)

Finally, we come to one of the most interesting characters, even though they are rarely mentioned and not really seen except in the ending of the genocide route: Chara. Truthfully, I think they are often misunderstood because the biggest impression they make is in said ending, when they take control of Frisk and destroy the world. However, I do not believe Chara was inherently evil. After all there are clear indications that Chara is the narrator of the game (the most obvious being the mirrors in Genocide). They tell you that your determination awakened them from death, and I believe that their spirit becomes attached to yours at the beginning of your adventure, which would explain how you, a human new to the underground, can understand the monsters that can’t speak normally like the Froggits and the snails (notice that their text starts with a noise they make, like “ribbit”, and what they actually mean is in parenthesis) as well as the ancient writing on the walls. After all, Chara lived in the underground long enough to become a sibling to Asriel and become known by all the monsters, it would make sense for them to have learned their language, and then they translate for you. This would also mean that all the funny commentary whenever you check an object or a monster comes from Chara. Also Chara being the narrator would explain why they go silent at one point or another during the battles with Asgore and Toriel (when the description says only “...”). Many people argue that their plan to cross the barrier with Asriel and kill humans means they were evil, but I do not think so, even if they did hate humanity. After all, if they only wanted the power to kill humans they could have killed one of the Dreemurs in their sleep, taken their soul and crossed the barrier with it. Instead, they killed themselves, gave Asriel their soul in order to break the barrier and made a plan to free all of their monster friends and family. Death from buttercup poisoning is not an easy one either (it includes bloody diarrhea, abdominal pain and blistering of the intestines); they had to suffer in terrible agony for days in order to achieve their goal, all for their monster family. People also argue that the fact that they laughed after accidentally poisoning Asgore means they did it on purpose or enjoyed causing him pain, but Undertale shows us many times that sometimes you laugh when the only thing you want to do is cry. There is also this during the fight with the Snowy amalgamate which proves my point: (look below) . Finally, during the battle with Asriel in True Pacifist, you use your memories with your friends in order to save them, but you don’t know Asriel at all, so how do you save him? The answer is simple: Chara shares their memories of him with you, and since they are the narrator, they are also the one who encourages you to use the last of your power to save your friends. In conclusion, I think in the beginning Chara is just a slightly bitter, slightly misguided, sometimes unnecessarily violent child who tried to do their best to protect those they loved, even though in hindsight it might not have been with a good method. In many ways, they remind me of Undyne (specially after MK says that maybe she is mean, not cool, in the True Pacifist ending. That really breaks my heart, when I think about all she has done for monsters in general and MK in particular in other routes. It would also explain why Chara seems to admire her so much, calling her a heroine in every route and seeming horrified by the state of her body when she is killed in neutral routes). This means that what they become in the Genocide route is because of you, and they even tell you so at the end (you are the one who makes them think the only meaning of their reincarnation is acquiring power). It makes sense that seeing everyone they know and love being killed systematically right in front of them would twist them, turn them into something they were never meant to be in order to cope with what is happening. Also, Sans does say that gaining LV causes you to feel less and hurt others more easily. Your actions take that well-intentioned but misguided child and turn them into a demon.

I am so in love with these characters that I cannot do a Genocide route myself. I only know about it from watching playthroughs but I don’t have the heart to destroy their happiness. I only ever did a single run, without resetting once, all the way up to True Pacifist. I like to think that in some universe where they are real, they are living happily on the surface, Sans has had the chance to restore his lost hopes, and resets are no more.

I would also like to thank the Undertale fandom for giving me a home, and so many wonderful ideas to explore. Since Deltarune practically confirms that the Multiverse exists in canon, the possibilities are endless, and the amount of detail and dedication you guys have devoted to building those other realities is truly outstanding. I specially love Underfell, Aftertale (and its close relative Errortale), Underswap, Handplates, Endertale, and Underverse/Xtale. To their creators, thank you for the ideas, the art, and the possibilities. And most of all, thank you Toby Fox for starting us all on this wonderful journey.

And to all my fellow fans: Remember, Always Stay Determined ♥️