#also I'm pretty sure I had other points that i completely forgot about

[muninnhuginn]

Mun!!! :0 I wanted to ask if you watched the new Link Click op and if so, what are your thoughts on it? And also for season 3 in general if you have any expectations for it

Hi! I've seen it, yes. Managed to watch before work, but not had the chance to properly sit down and digest it all before now. Going to put my thoughts on it all below.

Some things to keep in mind: I've watched the opening and I've skimmed the Tumblr tag a few times since then, but I've not gone deep dive or anything. So if I say something that's been said loads already that's probably because I've not seen everyone else saying it yet. The other thing is that I may comment on the lyrics of the song, but not in relation to potential foreshadowing, given bai sha jaws have been pretty clear they're not really privy to any more info than we are as the audience.

With that out of the way, let's go.

We start with the focus on the camera, which transitions to the basketball court. The use of the feather to carry the transition is one of those "which could mean nothing" details, because the use of feathers is pretty prominent in some of the official art pieces.

Next, Cheng Xiaoshi takes Lu Guang's hand and pulls his past self onto the court. The implications of this are pretty obvious (the 'current' Lu Guang is left unsaturated as his past and Cheng Xiaoshi are held in soft light; Lu Guang doesn't feel like he belongs in this treasured past), but I like the extra little aspect of the basketball pitch being the setting because it means the fencing acts as prison framing. And the prison framing is perfect for the line "trapped in a rewind".

Lonely road, long shadow, it's the heat of the summer and he's small against the backdrop of the street. Stick a pin in this one because we'll return to it later.

And over to fake London and its red doubledeckers. Xia Fei looking out when something (someone?) catches his attention. We're then shown Lu Guang in front of one of Xia Fei's posters, but my instinct is that what Xia Fei is looking at/for is unrelated. Anyway, Lu Guang still desaturated, still not fitting in.

Heh. No comment. (Although, tangent time! I've not been able to pause fast enough to catch the 'afternoon tea' sign but I feel the need to point out something after skimming past some posts that have mentioned it. 'Afternoon tea' isn't a drink. It's more a meal? An event? Say, sometime between lunchtime and dinnertime (I won't confuse things further by referring to the latter as teatime here) it'd be a get together where people would have scones and hot drinks and cake, etc. It's honestly low-key posh so it's far from a daily thing for most people, but it's the sort of thing you'd do for an extended family get together.)

Onto Liu Xiao reading some more Shakespeare. My Shakespeare knowledge is limited to Othello and Romeo and Juliet so... I'll leave this one to other people.

More Lu Guang being out of place.

Someone having tea (the drink) followed by a cipher I'm pretty sure people have already cracked:

Then onto this character:

Not gonna speculate too heavily at this point, but I know people are guessing she's either related to Xia Fei or *is* Xia Fei, given the shared eye and hair colour. I lean towards the former being more likely given the whole thing on the bus where Xia Fei's attention was seemingly caught by something/someone outside. Also, flower in the forefront, not 100% sure here but looks a bit like a yellow daffodil. Possibly a bit out of season for them if this is summer, but we don't care about that. We care about the meaning of a daffodil which is rebirth/new beginnings/all that jazz.

And back again to Lu Guang, who immediately reminds me of something I thought was cool earlier but forgot to mention. Lu Guang is entirely desaturated in this opening, yes, aside from the use of red. Is it original? No. Is it effective? Yes.

Puddle of blood and we meet again, dear white feather:

(The puddle of blood is actually completely still until the feather hits it, at which point *everything* in the scene lifts up).

And we're into full colour (light pouring in from the window) as we see photos (memories) fly around:

And these scenes focus on both Qiao Ling and Cheng Xiaoshi. First, them interacting with each other, then with the unseen narrator (presumably Lu Guang). They both brighten his world.

Lyrics of "there will be a fire when it all unfolds". Liking the 'unfolds' maybe callback there to op 1 Vortex and also the snow/ash/fire thing reminds me... so, like I said, not gonna use the lyrics themselves as foreshadowing, but the backdrop in the next section is fair game and there's a pretty clear fire there. I know it doesn't *have* to be a literal fire, but it was pretty striking so I think it's more likely than not there'll be some fire in Yingdu itself?

Flash through Lu Guang against different backgrounds. Won't spam them all, but we start with the photo studio transition through various Yingdu related backdrops then the clock backdrop (which ofc takes my mind straight back to Madoka) and back to the studio (this time ft. gun in gloved hand (possibly same gloved hand as the teacup earlier - possibly possibly vein, idc to speculate too hard on that point) and finally! We're back to the start of the opening and the basketball court. The whole scene is now washed out and Lu Guang matches it as he wipes his tears, before Cheng Xiaoshi grabs his arm and the colour floods back in.

(Also tangent again but "we fought the tides" as another lyrical callback to the season two ending, nice nice)

And speaking of returning to earlier in the opening, here's the road again:

All three of them running forwards as we pan up to the light in the sky.

And those are my thoughts. There's a lot I skimmed over either because it doesn't much interest me or because I'm pretty sure others'll have written essays already but yeah. Solid opening. Time to jettison my hopes before they get too high.

In terms of the second question, I've not been counting Yingdu as season three in my head, but I'm still genuinely unsure whether it "officially" counts or not. That said, my thoughts on a season three after Yingdu are so murky that I'm going to treat your question as though Yingdu is season three because then I can actually provide some kind of answer.

Basically, I've been thinking of Yingdu as something adjacent to Madoka episode eight - there to provide extra context but technically extraneous to the overall series. This is partly because of the different production layout behind the scenes, with a different studio and directing setup than the 'main' series. I'm basically expecting this arc to help raise the emotional stakes on Lu Guang's side of the situation without actually providing a resolution to the overarching plot.

[krys-kros]

All the fucking Rabbit craziness (bare with me)

All the rabbit symbolism and it makes my brain connect to things that people say that aren't even connected.

I forgot where I saw it because for the life of me there's YJ content anywhere I go, but it mentioned something called Rabbit Starvation. It's the syndrome when you can die from a stomach full of rabbits because rabbits don't contain a lot of nutrition so it's protein poisoning, essentially.

There are many ways to starve and Shauna starves in practically all of them. She starves for the hunt, she starves for Jackie. She has so many rabbits because rabbits are never enough. She killed the rabbit because it invaded her garden and it gave her a taste of who she was the butcher and it wasn't enough. She fed the rabbit to her family because that's what she does, she's a provider but if she feeds it to them enough it's poisoning them.

But then Jackie is also the rabbit. We think of rabbits and we think of Jackie. Shauna consumes Jackie in any way she can over and over again and it's never enough. Consuming Jackie in the wilderness wasn't enough. Jackie probably died thinking she wasn't enough. The constant consumption will kill Shauna but she can't help it, she needs more. Her succumbing to the urges again, to butcher, to fall into the wilderness again, started when she fed her family the rabbit and introduced them to her starvation but also to the wilderness.

And, and, and. So I got really into etymology of Yellowjackets characters. I left that post in the drafts somewhere but I learned a lot of neat things.

First off, Jackie and Shauna are names that originated from the same place. It's the Hebrew name יוֹחָנָן (Yochanan) and it's where we got names like John/Ivan/Sean/Shawn/Jack/Joan/Shauna, this name is fucking everywhere. They have the same fucking name in different origins, which goes to show how connected these two are. But theeen,

Jackie is a nickname. At least, we can assume it's a nickname and her actual name is Jacqueline. Jacqueline is not part of the same family tree as John/Ivan/Shawn etc., it's from the family tree of Jacques/James/Jacob (originating as Ya'aqov). It means "holder of the heel" because Jacob in the bible was the younger brother. It essentially means coming in second. Jacqueline, whoever she really is, is second to Jackie, who Jackie wants to be because it makes her even closer to Shauna.

Jacqueline also means supplanter, someone who takes over. Pre-crash it was her taking over Shauna's life, or at least, what she thought was taking over her life. Post-crash, then we see how Jackie actually takes over Shauna's life.

Lmao, so why did I go on the tangent about etymology. Because as far as I could search, Sadecki is Polish in origin and it means...

Garden.

So, essentially. This is Jackie invading the Sadeckis.

I got that gif from a post from @vanpalmr and it kickstarted this entire ramble so thanks for that.

(Also, complete side note, but Jeff/Jeffrey means foreigner...like he's the outsider, it's so fucking funny)

[lynxgirlpaws]

To be clear given your pinned if someone told you that their pronouns were she/her you wouldn’t start intentionally they/theming them unless they asked you to stop correct?

Oh yeah no absolutely not!!! That is mostly for people who insist they/them isn't valid, which is not just really shitty but just objectively incorrect !!

I'm not ever gonna purposely use any pronouns someone doesn't say they use, honestly I've been on the recieving end of mildly annoying they/themming :/

If I ever do fuck up in that regard however, I more than welcome being corrected, like genuinely if I get it wrong by accident please !! Correct me !

I can't lie I . Completely forgot about that part of my pinned and, regarding your concern it could definitely use some re-wording or something. Thank you !

Edit; hey just remembered uh this includes neopronouns and stuff like. As I said I'm never gonna use the wrong pronouns on purpose, that includes anything other than he she or they like. Again, if I ever get this fucked up you have my 100% permission to tear my ass up about it !!!

Okau off to sleep

[neosexuals]

( pay attention ) — ₊ ⊹ ! Part 2

Synopsis : Mark is by every account the most popular teacher in your university. He was just that good, he was funny, charming, a good teacher and most of all he was drop dead gorgeous.

Warnings/pairings : smut (‼️) , english teacher! Mark , University au , reader is 20 mark is 27 , dom! Mark , sub ! Reader , mark uses fancy language cuz go figure english prof, mark is a meanie, makeshift tie gag??, pet names, reader has feelings towards mark? maybe?. use of the word slut, squirting.

A/n : 🤕 I didn't want to write big age gap tall I'm sorry 💔 maybe some other day. Also marks kind of a bitch (and I love it) not proof read :P @n4nam1i

Pt 1 pay attention

_

When it had reached the end of the day you had sprinted your way to marks office, he was sitting there. Suited up, his collar untidy along with his loose tie. "Sir?" You knocked on his wide open door you could tell it had been a rough day for him.

"yes?" His messy hair made it all the more worse, not only did you touch yourself to the thought of your English professor yesterday but it left you longing for him. "Oh y/n come in please" and so you did, closing the door behind you.

Before commenting on his fatigued look you helped yourself to the seat infront of him. "Tough day sir?" To say mark was one of those uptight teachers was a complete lie, being the youngest amongst them, he's always been one to talk casually to his students. "Sorry does it look bad?" He rushed in to fix his hair combing it down with his fingers.

"no it's okay" you pouted your lips at him, that was pretty assuring to him. "Fine uh let's get with it hm" with that you dropped your bag onto the floor before mark got up, you weren't sure what he was up to before he grabbed his chalk. Oh my god he actually started teaching you, repeating what he had taught to the class today since again you werent paying attention. Sighing once again, this was not what you signed up for.

He was confused when he turned back at you, why were you not paying attention? To him you were free of being distracted by him since it's a one on one class. But to you all you could look at was his fat ass and his crooked glasses.

"y/n I'm genuinely confused now" your eyes were already on him, just the wrong parts of him. "What happened now?" He stared at you sighing, taking his glasses off "sir... it's nothing Serious honestly-"

Cut off by his words "listen y/n I really didn't wanna do this but"a lie, blatant at that, another sigh escaped his lips "strip"

"what?"

"I said strip."

"but-"

"say no, and noone has to speak about this"

You weren't all apposed to the idea. Honestly you wanted it as much as he demanded, but it was quite embarrassing considering the situation, but it got you soaked. "Now. Are you going to strip or no darling?" That nickname. Your eyebrows furrowed as you stared him down from the chair, trying to understand the situation laid before you.

“Don't act dumb, you’ve wanted me..” he lets out a dry chuckle, your insides turning at how forward he was being. His glasses quickly being moved from resting on his face to on the desk, he moved closer to you, his breath tickling your ear “I’ve seen how you rub those pretty thighs under your desk, I’m not stupid you know" stepping back; sitting back down.

You started with your jacket, then your top. You couldn't bear him seeing you full naked "don't be so shy" he paused moving towards you "I won't look elsewhere" his eyebrows cocked at you along with a fake pout forming on his face, Pulling your arms away from your body.

God you forgot how hot the English language can be, his figure now towering over you as he tugs on the hem of your shirt before throwing it over your head. "Fuck" and other curses left him as he stares sinfully at the mere sight of your bra clad chest , borderline drooling at this point.

He snakes his hands down to your waist, finally inching towards the place you need him the most. His thumb slowly caress your hips, drawing circles atop it. "The skirt stays on pretty" the nickname combined with the stern tone causes your already weak knees to bend as you nod shakily.

He mumbled a little 'good girl' before slowly running his fingers up your thigh, his free hand moving to your nape, pushing your head closer to his. Too focused on the sensation of lips pressed against yours you miss when his singular had had slipped your panties down to your ankles. Sighing out a cracked 'sir' against his lips when two of his fingers press against your clit, His hand moving from your nape to your back, slipping down just enough to unclasp your bra.

he takes a step back as he relishes your body, eyes gleaming, his hands reach out once again cupping your cunt. "Sir.." you finally find it in you to look at hm in the eye, shooting a confused glance at him "call me mark darling" his breath hot against your ear ".....sir is...." - he mumbles- "odd" his words fish a giggle out of you, not to say you didn't find it hot but the contrast in tone makes your heart skip a beat.

Before he could earn a proper response out of you his fingers press onto your clit. "you shouldnt be laughing when your drenched down here...now should you?" you never missed the smug tone and smirk he threw at you.

"dirty girl " his lips latched onto your neck, soft and small pecks,You'd orgasm right then and there just by his words alone. His agonizingly slow strokes against your clit don't help either, letting out whimpers when he pressed the digits against your core. Small pleas leave your mouth over and over, his teasing topping you off.

"p-please sir" his eyes shoot up at you, removing his lips from your collar bone fingers still going back and forth along your slit "what did I say..? Hm Darling?" That was the final straw for him, one digit followed by another until it's a complete trio stuffed up your cunt.

“N-Not— MARK!”

that was all you could get out before going slack, dumb and cumming all over his fingers all way too quick. “That’s it….” His raspy voice fills your senses while all you can do is smile back at him, falling back down on the leather chair. You rest your head back as you feel your skirt and skin stick to each-other , you felt wet all over. “So good for me…think you could take my cock like this?” His tone sincere with a tinge of sarcasm.

“Hm? Think you could handle it darling…?” He lets out a soft chuckle watching your dumb state nodding like an idiot “yeah? You’re so dumb already” you open your eyes for a moment only to be met with a sulky pout. It’s not about weather or not you could handle anything at this point, to you, you just needed his cock. Letting out a string of pleas begging for even just the tip.

And after 2 or 3 tries he starts take of his own pants, completely naked other than the flimsy white shirt that lays atop him. “Shit i dont have a condom...” he muttered just loud enough for you to hear "I do..." He smiles at you and let's out yet another chuckle, you grab the condom out of your bag and hand it over to him. "Ofcourse you do...slut" the last word you could bearly hear but you could read his lips so clearly. It made you feel all sticky inside, the way he'd say the word so endearingly your heart had jumped right into your throat.

You had gotten into position by now, your thighs spread out sitting on his messy desk. Papers all over the floor and pens rattling around, you felt exposed. "Sir…..” you could only breath out the honorific "mark." His voice Stern once again before you could blink you heard the sound of a packet ripping. The condom, you knew it was the condom. "Now say please for me darling" you were melting right in front of him, arousal dripping onto his desk already exposed "please.....please mark" leaning in he kissed your cheek before pushing you flush against the desk legs dangling off the desk.

his cock sliding up and down your folds teasingly, his cock felt like everything you thought it would. thick just enough to have you holding onto him for dear life, begging to feel just a bit more of him.

"m-mark" his eyes bore into where you had intertwined , "yeah?" fuck his voice was so tantalizing "k-kiss..." a whine-like noise came out of you when he slapped your face as a response, cupping your flushed cheeks before kissing you silly "stay quiet now would you"

he so conveniently grabs his tie from behind you, would he tie your hands?

all thoughts fizzle out once he brought the bunched up fabric to you wide open mouth, muffling your whines and pleas as each thrust shook you right to the core, more things falling off the desk as he made you see heaven.

you tightened each time, the teacher who would always stay so pure and sweet was fucking you into oblivion, "shit- loosen up for me darling - fuck" you physically couldn't, his thrust erraticly pushing you closer and close "what is it? cock too big for your sweet lil' pussy?" you nodded slowly "yeah? you close baby" hearing him speak so casually was a dream nodding became rapid as you let out one last guttural whine, still muffled, as you came all over.

did you....it was a new feeling to say the least, leaking everywhere, you fucking squirted mark finally came riding out his and your orgasm "fuck- didn't know you were a squirter" he spoke as if he gave you the most midcore experience of your life ruffling the back of his head before removing the spit clad tie from your mouth, drool sticking to the tie "m' not..." Mark had never made someone squirt before, it was unbelievable , his eyes wide with shock "I've never.....squirted before"

"so i did that?" you nodded, still out of it. "fuck- you felt amazing darling i-" you could barely move so you'd hope you were a good experience "I'm glad, but could you help me sir?" his smile quickly faded "mark. or do i have to fuck it back into you?" he joked, as much as you would very much like that you wouldn't want it now, here. he helped you up grabbing your waist and wrapping your arm around his shoulders "there you go..." he mumbled.

you'd dress up as quickly as you could, as so did he, "y/n" he had called out as you tried to get as much of shit you'd thrown on the floor back on his desk, catching your attention you looked up at him, "i mean it, you were amazing, and i wouldn't mind doing this again" you felt as if you could burst. all you could do was smile and nod "you were amazing too....if you hadn't noticed"

after cleaning up finally, you had left his room, a dopey smile spreading across your face as it all sits in.

[writingforatwistedworld]

Hii, I'm glad you're back . Even if it was for a few days you really left a place in tumblr not just for your work but for your presence itself.

I had a question for a while and I'm sorry if you answered it before and I seemed to not notice , if that's the case then forgive my ignorance but I was wondering , since sebek seems to respect his grandfather alot and has inherited the hate for humans from him and it's a known fact in self-aware au that the faes 'love' the overseer alot I must say.. does that mean that sebek also inherited his 'love' for the overseer from his granpa? If so how did green grandpa see the overseer, what made him 'love' them and how does he show it .

If you don't want to write this then feel free to ignore it , hope you have a great day and don't forget to drink water and eat well<33

Hi there Anon. It's so sweet of you to say that. I didn't think I would have made such an impression on anyone. But I completely forgot to write about Sebeks grandfather -_-

Well, better late than never.

Self-aware au

WARNINGS: Jp-version spoiler (like, the whole thing!!!), (Platonic!) yandere themes, war, religion, unhealthy mindset, isolation, unhealthy family dynamic

(Platonic!) Yandere headcanons

Ah yes, our local way too loud and loyal member of the reptilian family. No need to to worry about him. I mean, what could go wrong? (Hehe…)

Baul was not from the Valley of Thorns. Growing up in Sunset Savannah he did not grow up with the beliefs of the Faes (in other words, he was not part of a religious cult)

So imagine the huge shock he felt when he finally became a solider under the Draconia banner and started to become more and more like the other Faes

Well, for starters, yes, he wasn't indoctrinated into the whole church thing since birth but also wasn't raised to see you as an equal like the beastmen of the Savannah

You could say that he was a healthy mixture of both

Emphasis on the “was”

You see, isolation and being the only one sticking out (if we discount the humans invading the valley) does leave you open for a lot of things

If we count two (being the surroundings he was in) and two (his more or less unnoticed loneliness) together, we can see pretty fast where that led

Never mind his superior (and friend I mean come on they might as well be brothers) Lilia constantly rambling about the Overseer, savior of all, and how you accepted everyone in your kind embrace

Ok. Nice. Neat. Great. In the beginning, Baul wasn't very interested in joining any kind of religion

But the longer the war held on, the more he wished there was someone he could ask for help in his task of protecting those he deemed close to himself (you see the generational pattern?)

At some point, even the proudest of all can't hold on for forever

So he turned to you, the supposed God that was on so gentle

And goddamn that religious gaslighting and placebo effect worked damn well

Not only did he feel like there was someone there who supported him from somewhere in the universe (even though that was just him believing too much but let have him have some hope, ok?) but also he finally had a community

Whenever he would leave one of the many churches in the valley a Fae would approach, thanking him for protecting their home

Sooner than later did the former non-believer think of himself as your chosen shield of the valley

The war came and went away

If only the same thing could be said about Bauls new religious beliefs

And when he saw that grandson of his, cute little chubby hands that gripped a wooden toy sword tightly, he knew that his position as the valleys shield would not cease

Yes, even Baul would die one day. Fae or not, he was at the end of the day mortal

But that talent of his grandson would surely be of use to you, right?

If his younger self would see him like this, would it run away? Would it feel disgust at the thought that his future self would use his own grandson for selfish, religious reasons?

If only Baul knew that “God” didn't even know they were living beings that existed in a different world…

[thissongisawesome]

now, do i personally believe that maya and franziska would actively try to get phoenix and edgeworth together? not really. BUT. i don't see the harm in people writing scenarios in which they would? ik this sounds silly since maya and franziska wingmaning is one of the more popular ace attorney fic tropes, but i feel like recently i've seen a lot of hate towards and and i don't understand why!

think of it this way: maya is phoenix's best friend and like pseudo little sister, they're extremely close, and i'm pretty sure she teases him about his love life AT LEAST once in canon (it could be more, or i could've completely made this up, but i've played the trilogy enough where if i tried i could probably find an example but it's late and i'm tired). anyway with that said, why WOULDN'T she care about them getting together? she's shown in the first game to be pretty invested in "the deal with [nick] and edgeworth" her words, not mine. i'm not one to speak on later games because i honestly haven't touched them in over two years and even then they were a complete blur and i forgot everything except that edgeworth looked really ugly from the front. but. if my memory serves me i don't think their dynamic changed much? i can't see her caring AS much at 28 as she would at 17, because obviously she's grown and matured, but i don't think she'd be completely uninterested like some people say. maybe she wouldn't be wearing comical disguises to spy on them, but i could see her encouraging nick, or idk just telling trucy stuff about their old cases to stir something up.

i think the franziska side of things is where i'm a little more understanding, but also not really. on one hand, i get that she's very well put together and mature seeming. on the other hand, that's only how she SEEMS. i won't get into a whole franziska analysis because this post is already longer than i wanted and no one wants to hear me ramble about her, but she's not really as mature as she seems. anyway, would she care THAT much? the answer may surprise you!

now think of it THIS way: edgeworth is franziska's little brother. despite how she acts sometimes she obviously loves him dearly, and would (probably) just want him to be happy, with whatever foolishness it may endure. phoenix wright is franziska's sworn enemy. she can't stand him and feels as though he has personally wronged her before they even met. absolutely hates his guts (except for when they investigate together then they can be friends). franziska is incredibly smart, but she's clearly not the best emotionally. even with that, though, she seems to understand how important edgeworth is to phoenix ("earthquake blah blah blah" "are you thinking of miles edgeworth blah blah blah"). she kind of just accepts this, even though it implies that phoenix (a man he only recently reconnected with) would be on a similar level of emotional connection as his sister. maybe she doesn't think much about it though. she's just like sure whatever you're his most dear and indispensable friend i don't care anymore. do people really think that, if somehow she came to the conclusion that edgeworth had feelings for phoenix she wouldn't care in any way??? i'm not saying it'd necessarily be positive and all "you go girlfriend!", but to say she wouldn't CARE is so wild. she'd probably be furious, and so maybe she wouldn't wingman. but she does CARE about her brother, and honestly if it were presented to her on the right way she probably would wingman. one "hey franziska. i bet you can't make your brother get with phoenix wright. if they get together without your guidance then that basically means edgeworth beat you btw" and she's suddenly invested. (dramatized, but you get the point)

tldr; maya and franziska are not so nonchalant and cool that they wouldn't care about one of the most significant people in their lives having feelings for their courtroom rival of over a decade. that is all.

[seyaryminamoto]

Azula's most overlooked characterization element

Why, hello there.

It is I.

And I'm back on my bullshit.

I didn't WANT to be. But a bunch of factors pulled me back in.

For the record: I'm not here to start any fights or light the fuse of arguments that I most likely won't have time or interest in responding to. What I AM here for... is to prove that there's something out there a bunch of people are delighted to sleep on because acknowledging it would render maaaany simplistic interpretations entirely invalid...

That group of people includes the fandom, of course. And the original show's staff. And the liveaction's staff, to a fault. Surely the TTRPG ones too. And absolutely, the comic book writers.

Hell, I'll even include MYSELF in that group, even though I'm making this post right now.

I found it really curious that I very recently saw this element mentioned in a pretty neat blog I follow, @atla-lore-archive, I absolutely advise anyone who hasn't checked out said archive to do it if you wish to understand a lot of the "extra lore" the fandom had access to, back in the old days when the turbonick ATLA site still existed and used to be the only source of deeper knowledge about the fandom besides the occasional interview that most people didn't even know where to track down.

But the funny thing is that the post I'm talking about proved that even Turbonick forgot about the people this post is about :')

And that would beeeeeeee...

*cue drumroll*

Lo and Li!

What makes Lo and Li an important subject to discuss?

Why, a lot of things. Among them, the fact that almost nobody brings them into the core focus of any analysis made about Azula's character. I've personally mentioned them once or twice I believe, mostly as negatives, there's but ONE positive aspect I've ever found of them: them being non-benders MIGHT be a reason why Azula isn't shown as being quite so obsessive with firebending supremacy as Zuko was supposed to be.

But that's very much the sole good thing I can think to say about them and it's completely subjective, as good as a headcanon, because we don't even KNOW if they influenced Azula in that sense!

Why do they seem to get overlooked quite as much? Why... let's start thinking about it, shall we?

Lo and Li are Azula's firebending teachers. As far as anyone can tell, they're also her advisors. These two people should be an essential part of Azula's life... but ironically, we seldom see them with her. Most times, Azula isn't around these two. Whenever she is? It doesn't usually look like she's having a good time.

And that's no surprise, considering her first scene with those two very much puts forward a dynamic of cold distance between Azula and her mentors: Azula is bending LIGHTNING. We have not heard of other lightningbenders until that point, and once the full show wraps up, there's only THREE (Azula, Ozai, Iroh). Out of those three? Only one is a fourteen-year-old girl. It's very easy to assume Azula's lightning is actually a skill she mastered unusually early in life, perhaps relatively recently, hence the practicing... but she's pulling it off. She's succeeding. She's doing something that genuinely catches a first-time viewer off-guard!

And Lo and Li's entire opinion of what she did is: "Almost perfect. One hair out of place."

This tells you the Fire Nation's idea of "imperfection" is... insane. Strict. Imposing. Unyielding. Unforgiving. Azula's reaction isn't to get angry at Lo and Li for saying what they did: it's to get angry at herself and try again.

But... that's not the only instance where we see Azula getting angry around Lo and Li.

The next few times Azula is around them, she doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction (one is when they tell her to find other allies, the other when they herald her as a great hero who returned home from Ba Sing Se). In the second of these scenes, Lo and Li are praising Azula as incredible, beautiful, all sorts of grand things...! And Azula smiles. She smiles at the crowd. She's not smiling at the old ladies who are praising her... she's mostly just happy to know her people are welcoming her as a hero indeed! Most the fandom would go "true! what an ungrateful bitch! She should've been happy that Lo and Li complimented her that way!!" Me? I wouldn't say that at all. Not just because I love Azula to pieces? But because the only information we have of Azula's dynamics with these two... doesn't seem compatible with the idea that what Lo and Li are saying here is for AZULA'S benefit.

Anyone who's had a hypocritical parent/caretaker/teacher must have endured awkward, horrible, unpleasant moments where this adult figure treats you like shit in private but in public holds you as this grand example, and a perfect child, and they never seem to stop saying they're soooo proud of you even though you NEVER felt that what they're saying is true. Maybe the first few times, you're naive enough to believe it. By the tenth time of incongruent messages? You start to realize they're talking you up as a way to make themselves look better. They're trying to show they're doing their job at raising you/training you, be it whatever it may. The praises are not FOR you... they're for a third person to hear and think "Oh, this adult's so cool, saying nice things about this kid they're responsible for! Nice!"

... You're starting to get the picture now, I'm sure.

Lo and Li reappear in the Beach. Azula is notably chill, enjoying the ride, talking casually with Ty Lee, telling Zuko to lighten up and to stop taking Ozai's choices personally, right? She seems... content. Relaxed.

Then, everything changed when Lo and Li attacked.

We don't even see why Azula is making this face at first. But she does it AT ONCE when their ship reaches the dock.

Who is there indeed...?

The stars of our post! :') if it isn't our elderly twin ladies... who brought Azula to a very disappoting beach house. And when Azula sees the house in question, she makes THIS face.

Judge however you may... even Ty Lee is weirded out by the beach house, going by that expression. Zuko and Mai aren't impressed either. But Azula? The look on her face isn't merely disappointment if you ask me... part of it looks a bit like embarrassment too? This isn't at all what she was expecting when she arrived (she has her old beach house for standards, which makes this extra underwhelming, I'm sure). She counts on Lo and Li to provide them with a place to stay, it goes implicit... and then this is what they do. It most likely isn't what she promised the other three in terms of where they'd stay, hence, I'd dare say there's a component of embarrassment here.

Shortly afterwards, we have our well known scene with Azula being utterly unconcerned with Lo and Li's apparent wisdom to the point of yawning over it. This, too, tells you she's just not interested in whatever those two have to say or bring to the table. Then, they show up again at mealtime and I think Azula just ignores them the whole scene.

After this? Lo and Li vanish until the finale. And what do they do in the finale? Why... it's the first time anyone expresses a verbal concern over Azula's wellbeing! Ah! A sign that Lo and Li have SOME affection for Azula! This time, you pesky Azula fans, you CAN'T twist this into a bad thing! For sure!

... Can't we, tho? :')

What IS Azula's reaction to: "We are concerned for your wellbeing"?

"My father asked you to come here and talk to me, didn't he‌? He thinks I can't handle the responsibility of being Fire Lord. But I will be the greatest leader in Fire Nation history."

And here, my friends, is when we have finally hit the jackpot.

Lo and Li could have been Azula's Irohs. She could've had TWO of him! Then you'd say: "hey! Ozai is such a dick he let Azula have two elderly wise ladies guiding her but only gave one old wise dude to Zuko! Rude!" and it would be further proof of Ozai's favoritism of Azula, right?

... But actually?

Lo and Li are no such thing. Lo and Li aren't moral compasses for Azula in the least. Lo and Li are not beacons of wisdom that genuinely help her sort her way through life. Worth noting: THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN THAT WAY. They're not. They're not part of mysterious secret societies, they don't help Azula in any objective, significant, tangible way... there's very much nothing to say they EVER fulfilled the role Iroh did for Zuko. What role, then, were they fulfilling instead?

Why... I think we ought to listen to Azula, shouldn't we?

My take: Lo and Li are OZAI'S STAND-INS.

Someone's going to say "hey why would you assume that when Azula said this in the middle of a breakdown?? Surely she was just DELUSIONAL and PARANOID and ashdgkadhsgkjgh...!"

... Let me counter that one with a fun little analysis excercise:

WHY are Lo and Li Azula's firebending teachers and advisors?

The finale very directly tells us these two are not benders. We could've assumed they were! They're not: Azula's teachers are non-benders.

Has a single person out there ever asked themselves WHY this is the case?

How the hell is Azula, prodigy of the blue fire, epic lightning, cruel and powerful and precise and deadly bending... training under two elderly nonbenders?

Bringing this to a real-life example: do you remember what it was like when you were in P.E. classes and your teacher told you to spend 20 minutes jogging, and if you ever stopped you had to do 20 crunches and then get back to the jogging, and every time you stopped he'd tell you the same thing and you'd want that guy to vanish from the face of the planet? I don't know if that was only my experience, but I rather doubt it.

What did kids typically think/say when that happened?

"I wanna see that old fart doing the same shit he's making us do..."

It's a headcanon indeed to say that this is how Azula must have felt over Lo and Li, but it's VERY likely to be the case. But I'd dare say, in Azula's case, it's even worse because, to put it in another way? It's like taking programming lessons from someone who's never learned a programming language. They'll tell you you're getting things wrong without knowing how to help you get them right because they just DON'T KNOW what you're doing, and are outright INCAPABLE of what you're trying to achieve. They can't offer good guidance based on experience because they have ZERO experience on that subject! And yet they want PERFECTION from you! They expect it!

Lo and Li are these teachers for Azula. We only see them in one scene? And yet everything in the rest of the show suggests that they bring nothing important to the table for Azula, be it professionally, be it personally, be it emotionally... not in any aspect of life.

And this, if you ask me, is why the OG show barely ever brings them into scenes. Why the comics flat-out forgot they existed and even featured people like Sozin and Azulon in Azula's beach hallucinations but NOT the two ladies who looked after her and trained her. Why the live-action didn't even FEATURE them.

And us? The fandom? The fic writers?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I READ A FIC THAT HAD LO AND LI INVOLVED IN IT.

I'm not even saying as main characters, I don't even know if that exists, frankly: I mean as minor, or background characters. I have NOT seen those two be used in basically ANY fics I've read. I've scarcely used them in mine! In fact, I PURPOSEFULLY got rid of them early on in Gladiator because I didn't want them to sabotage and get in the way of Azula's progress as a character and I believed they'd do exactly that. They were an obstacle rather than anything useful, so I did away with them and then realized they could still occasionally serve some purpose in certain situations: I even had Azula visit them once and they were actually helpful! Fancy that! But... that's it. That's as far as I could go with them. I can't do MORE with those two because they're not characters one particularly feels compelled to work with.

And from what I've seen? That's the case for everyone.

So, I ask again:

WHY ARE THEY THERE?

WHAT IS THEIR ROLE?

WHAT IS THE POINT OF AZULA HAVING NON-BENDING TEACHERS?

Let's go further and further into logical thinking here, shall we?

Azula is a child. Fourteen years of age at the time she's introduced in the OG show.

Azula has no power over many things around her, particularly, her upbringing. That's in the hands of the adults around her. Her mother, up until she vanished, had some hand in it, then, it all falls to Ozai.

Ozai has been Azula's sole parental figure since Ursa left.

Ozai is the one who would reasonably call the shots regarding Azula's education, as all parents are wont to do... ESPECIALLY when he's a king with absolute power over his children.

... so, Lo and Li? Ozai either gave them the position as Azula's teachers personally, or someone else (Ursa) did, and Ozai either didn't WANT to remove them from the role (cue "Ozai being sentimental over Ursa" theories), or Ozai didn't give a flying fuck about who was training his daughter (cue "Ozai is an abusive dick without a heart or a brain" theories).

Anyone, of course, would likely interject here to say surely Ozai ALSO trained Azula himself because that's what he'd do with his favorite kid, right? See. I don't even disagree with that notion.

BUT IT'S A HEADCANON.

We have zero evidence that Ozai trained her! None! I totally will write that into Azula's backstory in many of my stories, but there's NOTHING in canon to suggest this actually happened and that Ozai was genuinely, actively, frequently involved in her progress as a firebender. Assuming he HAD to be is, still, a headcanon. You can't say that with any more certainty than mine when I say I believe Azula loves spicy foods. Does it seem to be something that would fit with her character? I think so! But if eventually canon goes "AZULA CAN'T STAND SPICY FOODS LOL JOKE'S ON YOU!" I... can't even say a thing about it. People's food tastes aren't reflective of their personalities. They really could do whatever they want in that respect. And that's the case for ANYTHING that isn't part of the show's storytelling or the character backgrounds or any texts we consider canon!

POINT BEING: Ozai, regardless of what you want to headcanon, had Lo and Li as Azula's teachers. HIS FAVORITE CHILD... and her only official instructors are two non-benders. Yang added Kunyo as an old instructor of Azula's when she was young, sure! But Kunyo was sooooo qualified that baby Azula was already kicking his ass. So, for that matter? He doesn't really seem to have been a cornerstone of her firebending development and the only other known teachers for Azula are Lo and Li.

For the last time: Azula's teachers are NON-BENDERS. AS CHOSEN, SANCTIONED, APPROVED AND ACCEPTED BY OZAI.

And with those two remarking on absolutely STUPID stuff like "one hair out of place"? Azula still became the incredible firebender she was.

Cue, now, the irony where Zuko was stuck in the basics 3 years after setting out of the Fire Nation... WITH IROH ACTIVELY SERVING AS HIS MENTOR.

You're not gonna tell me that Lo and Li would EVER be better instructors than Iroh, or are you? Because that makes no sense. Full-stop. Iroh is supposed to be the most profound and complete firebender thorughout the show because he's spiritually enlightened even though I admit I think that's bullshit and he doesn't just teach Zuko how to set things on fire, he actually makes him learn theory and spirituality and his teachings are more profound than just "ONE HAIR OUT OF PLACE".

So.

Banished as he is, disgraced and seen as trash by Ozai, Zuko STILL has a better teacher than Azula does.

... Is this LOGICAL? Is this NORMAL? Does this make SENSE?

If you think Ozai's favoritism of Azula takes the shape of "I'll give you every little thing you ask for, sweetheart, I love you very much, here, have ten million doll houses so you can set them on fire, and all the ponies you ask for and on your next birthday I'll buy you a baby dragon and you'll get your own region of the Fire Nation to govern and a fancy title..."?

Then Lo and Li, unfortunately, are right here to be a HUGE contradiction with your interpretation of Ozai and Azula's relationship.

Azula should have THE BEST teachers. Azula does not. Azula doesn't even LIKE them. Azula is openly shown to dislike them! To be annoyed around them, ANGRY when they're teaching her, she feels they're here to keep tabs on her for her father! In a sense, they're Ozai's SPIES on her! :')

Hence? Ozai's favoritism of Azula MIGHT not be what everyone keeps pretending it is. Maybe Ozai didn't do everything to make Azula get things EASILY... and to be fair? That's not what Zuko said anyway. People interpreted it that way... but that's not REALLY what he says:

"Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. "

Every line in this statement is absolutely questionable and all of it sounds like buuuuullshit to me. This is ZUKO'S perspective. And sorry not sorry, but it's tell-don't-show. People swear by his opinion of Azula and pretend he's absolutely objective about it. He's not.

But "Everything always came easy to her," does not mean "EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS HANDED OVER TO HER ON A SILVER PLATTER." And yet this is what the fandom has constantly interpreted it as.

Azula might just be a prodigy. Maybe she started out ten steps ahead of her brother: this does not mean she needs no guidance, no training, no help. She's seen training herself over perfectionism in her very second scene of Book 2. And the guidance she gets in order to achieve perfection is actually, objectively, stupid.

This is what Ozai chose for her. This is an OBSTACLE for her growth, just as much as Lo and Li were obstacles for me when I was starting with Gladiator! Azula doesn't have it EASY: she just works herself so damn hard that even shit that should HINDER her does NOT do that. And even when her brother objectively has spent THREE YEARS with an advantage in the shape of being trained by one of the VERY BEST firebenders out there? Azula is still beating Zuko at it. With two non-benders as her teachers.

Where am I going with all this?

To the fact that Lo and Li are overlooked in just about every instance of the fandom.

To the fact that nobody includes them, and their influence on Azula, in their analyses of who Azula is.

I've seen a shitstorm rising over the Netflix characterization of Azula: SHE'S TOO ANGRY, they say. Non-stop. She's sooooo hysterical, all the time! She's just pissed perpetually!

Well. I haven't finished the show yet. But the scenes I've seen Azula in so far? They don't fit the fandom's view of Azula because...

... they're not taking Lo and Li into account.

As usual.

:')

Azula's reactions around Lo and Li being frustration, anger, irritation EVEN in scenes like The Beach, where Azula was FINE until she sees them? That shit is storytelling that went over sooooooo many heads, EVEN MINE! When I saw people going on about how canon Azula is... not insecure? Not angry? Has no frustrations and was only ever smirking 24/7? I... didn't feel that was right. I knew it wasn't right. And when I thought about it hard enough? I realized that one reason why this interpretation of Azula is IMMEDIATELY dismissable is because of Lo and Li: those two constantly made Azula angry. Even if that wasn't their intent, it's nonetheless the effect they'd have on her. And Azula didn't like having them around. She CLEARLY didn't appreciate them the way Zuko does Iroh, for instance! And this could be taken as a flaw on Azula's part... if we EVER saw evidence that these two ladies actually love Azula as a grandchild, or so. If we had any evidence that they actually have cared for her in ways nobody else ever did. If maybe the ones Zuko talks about, upon saying "EVERYONE LOVES AZULA" were these two! And maybe he was jealous of them! Maybe he wanted two old ladies to watch his every move and tell him his every flaw!

... Clearly I'm joking about that last thing, but anyway...

There's nothing to tell us Lo and Li were anything but Ozai's assigned watchdogs to keep control and tabs over Azula. That Azula's immediate reaction upon hearing that someone cares about her is "Oh fuck off, my dad sent you here because he doesn't trust me!" is... telling. It's not just paranoia speaking, even if it sure can be read that way! It's actually Azula's perception of those two, which is 100% supported by what we saw of the twins throughout the show, WHENEVER we did see them: their roles in Azula's life are indeed to keep tabs on her, to keep her under control, to pressure her into perfection, AS OZAI'S AGENTS! Seen this way, it MAKES SENSE for Azula to disregard their concern and immediately assume it's FAKE. She isn't even shown to doubt it, never questions that MAYBE they did care about her! She assumes they don't...

... And considering that, as far as I know, the official concept is that they BOTH LEFT when Azula banished one of them only? That they didn't contest her command, staying to look after her even if she only wanted one? I mean, clearly Azula can't tell them apart, so they could've taken turns: one watches over Azula for 12 hours and the other for the next 12 hours, I don't goddamn know! But they didn't do that. They LEFT. And if they left? It means they don't care remotely as much as they say they do. Not to the point where they'd challenge Azula's orders and help her when they KNOW she's not okay.

And all of this further supports my point.

When we see Azula in the liveaction being angry, bitter, irritable at Ozai's choices?

I see a reflection of the same dynamics that the OG too subtly weaved into Azula's relationship with Lo and Li. I see Azula reacting against Ozai's control over her because she feels it's DISTRUST. She feels it means her father STILL needs to be convinced that she's competent, powerful, ready to do his bidding. It isn't a case where Azula's irritation comes from wanting to rebel against her father... it's Azula wanting her father to UNDERSTAND that she's 100% his supporter and will put everything on the line to serve him and the Fire Nation.

And it's very damn easy to read that exact same thing into Azula's dynamics with Lo and Li as it is to see it EXPLICITLY STATED in the liveaction.

My point?

What the liveaction did is not nearly as much of a distant characterization choice as people think it is.

Ozai is Azula's Achilles' Heel. Everything she became, everything she grew up to be, was for his sake. He molded her to become those things and simply didn't give a shit about raising a daughter, he treated her as a weapon, and absolutely pitted his children against each other, just as much as OTHER adults in their lives did. But the impact of Ozai on Azula in the OG is easy to ignore. Why? Because we SELDOM see them interacting. Because we don't get that side of Azula's character fully explored. Because they didn't want to explore Ozai's character either! They were as cheap as they could be with all these aspects and so, only the people who really got into analyzing things on a deeper level would be able to say, without a doubt, that Ozai abused Azula emotionally with all the expectations and demands he put on his own child. Through the golden child-scapegoat dynamic that people have been bringing up non-stop in the past years.

So, proving herself to her father is what Azula wants to do, more than anything. Proving worthy of his favor, of his approval, is the closest thing she can get to feeling loved. Which is depressing as fuck. Azula gets zero affection: it's not even conditional affection, there's NOTHING for her besides approving words if she gets anything right. And this show's work with Azula's character? It was meant to make these things less invisible to all the fans who like to pretend none of it exists. And yes, I've seen them, crawling all over Twitter shitting themselves in fits of rage because how dare that show pretend Azula EVER had a bad time in her perfect flawless life!!

Well, the irony is that the OG gives you a smidge of evidence -- and yet that's enough -- to show that Ozai was doing very similar things to Azula in ATLA, and her reactions to it?

Huh. No smirks for Lo and Li.

No smirks for the symbols of Ozai's control over her life.

It's almost like the confidence, the smirks, the apparent ease with which she handles everything? Is a front that crumbles easily whenever it concerns the ONE PERSON with power over her life.

I don't believe, worth noting, that Azula's power comes from rage. I've seen people say that in fandom in the past and I find it a completely absurd take when Iroh himself spells out that her bending is about control, about precision, and it's Azula's FURY that makes her a sloppy mess in the finale. It's even INTENTIONAL that when she shoots lightning a second time, in her second establishing scene, THAT SAME HAIR FALLS OUT OF PLACE. She's still angry. She didn't get it "right" this time either. She's imperfect and she's trying NOT to be, but she cannot succeed. And upon bending lightning with emotions (rage/frustration)? That hair falls YET AGAIN out of place. Proof that she's not going to achieve the perfection she's being FORCED (indeed, by her father and the people who are here to represent him, Lo and Li) to strive for.

The liveaction had Ozai pushing Azula for a perfection she couldn't attain either. She's perfectly content in her cruelty at Ozai's side, right until she hears the Avatar was found and that Zuko has a shot at taking away the privileges she's been basking in so far. That she WASN'T nervous about this in canon is pretty damn obvious: OZAI SENT HER TO HUNT ZUKO DOWN FOR BEING A FAILURE. We never saw her reaction to learning that the Avatar was out and about. We have noooo idea what was canonically going on with her back then. The first time we see her besides the flashback is Azula receiving a mission that tells her she's STILL #1 and Zuko is no threat to her because Ozai thinks he's a failure. Thus? She had nothing to fear. Here? Ozai is actively using Zuko as bait to pressure Azula further. And if you're so confident in Ozai's good parenting skills as to believe he somehow WOULDN'T do that? Sounds like you don't understand the very basic and simplistic Fire Lord Ozai from ATLA, and that's not something to be proud of. So probably stop screaming your bad takes at the top of your lungs, because being incapable of understanding Ozai in canon is not a badge of pride, just saying...

FINAL POINT...

This post is not written expressly in the defense of the liveaction and its characterization of Azula. To this point, what I've seen of it doesn't feel WRONG or OFF unless you're the kind of person who thinks Azula is only capable of smirking and if she stops doing that she stops existing or something. Only people who cannot understand the depth, nuance, subtleties in Azula's story would ever be claiming that Azula's relationship with Ozai COUDLN'T be like this, or that Azula couldn't possibly be frustrated with her father or his choices when it's soooo clear what Ozai is going for, and why it's working. But in order to read Azula as a character capable of this range of emotion, frustration and ambition, all at once? You have to be able to treat this character, be it in the liveaction or the OG show, as a human being.

And that's what most the people criticizing this specific change are determined not to do. It's what makes them uncomfy. It's what rustles their jimmies.

Yes. I'm saying it in this very demeaning way because I actually find it quite ridiculous to be this insecure over the portrayal of a fictional 14yo in two TV shows. Whether the liveaction sticks the landing or fails catastrophically, I do not know... but I do know that if it's forcing a bunch of people to rethink Azula's character, and making them panic at the idea that she could EVER have human emotions, even if they're AWFUL human emotions?

Then I'm afraid you're only convincing me that, as bad as that show could ever get? It's getting SOMETHING right. I do love to see misinterpretations of Azula getting slammed in the face by the reality that all those beliefs, headcanons and takes in bad faith are actively, categorically untrue: none of which makes Azula a fundamentally good person, worth noting! But it makes it very clear that reading her as a one-dimensional basic villain, which is what the anti-Azula-redemption crowd actively does, is literally only possible if you overlook, ignore and fail to understand her character and her complexities, be it in the liveaction or in the original show.

There. I said my piece.

Another post, regarding the rest of the liveaction, is bound to come later. I'd say stay tuned but it might take me a while to write it at all. So... wait around and maybe you'll see it someday!

[holopossums]

I dmand EVERY picture of CJ you had drew!! Pretty please

Considering I'm super disorganized about my art and don't post everything I draw (sometimes it stays just in my server or among friends, or I just don't show anyone because it's unfinished/I'm unsatisfied), I'll have to find a lot of stuff that I've forgotten about.

Actually, I can just show some stuff that I *haven't* posted! (Everything else I ever have should be here.) Some of this stuff is Krow before I added the white hair because I didn't have that idea until around April.

^ Appropriately titled "Krow Smug Bitch". Everyone has fun with the cowboy AUs so why can't I?

^ He got nervous about seeing Usagi/Yukito I suppose

^ This one is interesting. Originally it was supposed to be just Krow as a magical boy, but then it turned into a bit of a mythology AU. He's the son of Yatagarasu the Three-Legged Crow from Shinto myth. Wasn't quite sure about everything... this was probably the result of watching too much Kamichama Karin as a kid lol

^ For fans of Transformers - TFP Optimus Prime with good ol' canon CJ! I feel like they would get along. Something about that red-and-blue leader drew him in I guess.

^ This was actually my first pass at an older version design of Krow. This was a complete piece too, but I was unsatisfied within a week or two. You can still see that I kept some things, notably the piercings, beard, and the idea of tattoos, as well as the Leo-inspired shoulder pads. The tattoo designs changed and so did the armor color, but it was an interesting first try at the older design.

^ A second attempt and older Krow, I was getting closer. (Still love the fashion on this though.)

^ The point I realized that I can't draw this man thin and have to start drawing him beefier and more filled out more consistently because it would be a crime against god or something. Was still finalizing his tattoos at this point and playing around with the idea of white hair. Considered the idea of the Hamato crest tattoo near his heart before nixing it because it's too cheesy and the Hamato tattoo is something a lot of people do for older/future character designs.

^ Ninpo weapon design for Older Krow! Yes he has a cyan scythe (really more of a kusarigama since it has a chain and weight at the end). Yes it's cool as fuck. No you can't touch it.

He's basically a reaper and it plays into his whole aesthetic as a crow, which symbolizes an omen of death. Crows are also often seen with scythe and scarecrow imagery because they're related to harvests.

I don't know why I never posted this, it *looks* finished... I think there was something off about the anatomy and I intended to fix it and then forgot and ugh. But anyway! There you go.

^ A height chart for younger Krow and Yukito that I never quite finished. But it's interesting to see them to the actual scale that I imagine them to be - Krow is 5'6", and Yukito's height is reversed since he's 6'5". Since both are around 19 when they meet, they're at their full adult heights here. Long live your short king!

^ Older Krow with lightning gloves. Which doesn't make sense actually because his gloves are electrical insulators to keep himself from getting zapped from one of his attacks. But who cares about that! It's cool!

^ Scythe sketch. Just trying to get a feel for the vibe of how he wields one. His cape/cloak plus the scythe probably gives opportunity for some really cool directional flow to occur.

^ Something I doodled just the other day. Old Krow but more cartoony and goofy. Love this silly guy!

I'm sure there's many more that I've missed, probably lots of half-finished sketches and doodles, but this is a lot of what I've found.

[earthstellar]

Miko and Holding a Grudge: Storytime is Learning Time

I was thinking about how in the final episode of TFP, Miko uses the "I'm going to beat your ass" armour to punch Knockout clean across the face

Miko punches him so quickly and efficiently that I genuinely could not get a screenshot of the impact moment. lmao

And there are a lot of good reasons for her to want to slap this twink into the stratosphere, but I was thinking about any specific grudges Miko might have personally against Knockout to help fuel that punch

Because typically Miko goes in with a sort of "I learned this by watching WWE with Bulkhead and I'm excited to hurt you" tiny human wrecker energy and is naturally hyped, so she tends to go in with a slightly showy approach to delivering a beatdown, which makes sense.

We know she watches stuff like monster truck rallies with Bulkhead, and we know she's watched Bulkhead and Wheeljack pretty closely, and this has had an impact on her developing her personal fighting style: High energy, maybe a couple attempts at some kind of signature moves. she's learned from TV shows and watching actual factional alien warfare play out in the Nevada desert. Shit's wild, and so is she.

But when she punches Knockout, it's a totally silent, quick, efficient hit-- which is pretty different to how Miko usually approaches "the smackdown".

Sure, part of it is because Knockout is sort of ruining a huge moment for the Autobots by quipping at a particularly annoying moment to do so, and she probably just wants him to shut the fuck up as quickly as possible so they can all get back to enjoying watching the revitalisation of Cybertron.

And they're all probably a bit tired from even managing to get to this point.

But then I remembered:

In the episode Flying Mind, Miko and Raf help Fowler off the Nemesis after he's been incapacitated.

But Jack stays behind, and when Knockout snaps out of Trypticon's stasis, he attempts to power drill through Jack's head/upper torso.

Ratchet comes through the ground bridge and punches Knockout, in the same way Miko punches Knockout in the series finale. One hit, and we're done here.

(Sorry for the crunchy quality screenshot, my internet connection is a bit crunchy itself at the moment lmao)

Now, Miko wasn't there to witness this, but we know Miko frequently asks the others to tell her about anything she misses, either because she's been asked to stay home or because things kicked off when she was otherwise not around. She likes to hear battle stories. She's actively jealous of the others when they get to go deal with cool shit and she can't for various reasons.

So we can assume that she asked Jack what happened, or perhaps Ratchet briefed everyone once the other Autobots were revived from temporary stasis, and she would have been present for that in the base.

Miko holds a grudge. There is an entire episode where her and Wheeljack essentially go on an ill-advised revenge mission after Bulkhead is injured. She operates on that mafia level shit, wanting revenge so badly that she essentially withholds information from Wheeljack until he agrees to let her tag along.

And while she learned from that experience, it does hint at the type of mindset she has-- Don't fuck with her friends, or she will very much hold onto that anger until she gets the chance to act on it.

When she punches Knockout, it's a quick, clean punch. Which makes sense contextually for that scene, she's not going to haul completely off on him in that moment.

But it also echoes how Ratchet dealt with him when Knockout was threatening Jack, and that seems like the kind of detail Miko would remember after having it described to her.

She has a bit of a vengeful streak, and even though she does learn not to act on desires for revenge, she's still a kid and god she loves fighting so much, and there is no way she forgot about that one time Knockout tried to kill her friend with a fucking drill-- Even if she didn't get to witness it, it's likely she was told about it in some way, and she's been holding onto that for a while.

So I just really like that her punching Knockout is a mirror of when Ratchet punched Knockout previously, because we know she's very good at paying attention to detail when it comes to fighting, and we know that she learns from observation and from listening to battle stories.

It makes a lot of sense if she just recognised Knockout as being that one bot who nearly killed Jack and remembered how Jack likely described the incident to her later (or may have gotten details from any debriefing Ratchet may have provided at the base), and in that moment recalled that Ratchet took him down in one hit, so she should probably just do the same.

It's quick, it worked before on this exact bot, it'll probably work again.

Miko does learn. She very much holds a grudge. And I like that even though her actions in the finale make sense even without the possible background connection to a prior episode, it does perfectly make sense either way.

You know she begged Jack for all the details later, and you know she committed that shit to memory.

If Ratchet can knock out Knockout, so can she.

And she's not having their victory moment fucked up by some dude who seriously put them in danger on many previous occasions, even if he came around to the "winning team" in the end.

anyway you just know Miko is a mascot for the Wreckers later on, like there's no way Wheeljack and/or Bulkhead doesn't custom paint the side of a ship at some point like a WW2 aircraft lmao but it's just a painting of Miko laughing maniacally while punching a boulder or something

[finnbbl]

Hyunjin x M! Reader - Dancer AU | SMAU | Chapter 10

Ch. 10 - Cutie | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter |

| Story Masterlist |

Written: Yes

Smau: Yes

Word Count: 0.8k

A/N: sry i fell off the face of the earth 😭 I got a writers block then got super busy and stressed with classes. Updates probably won���t be daily, I’ll update whenever the chapters are done <3 sorry to make you wait so long, and tysm for ur support !

P.S. let me know your thoughts on the story so far! i’m a bit insecure on some chapters and want ur guys honest opinion!

Warnings: Uhm swearing? Typos, not proofread. lemme know if i missed anything

The night went on with all 9 of you guys joking around and having fun. For once, you felt as if you fit in, like you belonged somewhere. The night was nearing an end, most stores were closed as it was rather pretty late.

Everyone had decided to window shop. At one point, without even realizing it, you had wandered off. Although it was late, there were still a few other people out and about.

You weren't paying attention, and the next thing you knew you had bumped into someone. You turned towards him as you apologized profusely. He was taller, had darker hair, and was dressed in a hoodie with a jean jacket over it. "I'm so sorry, I should've looked where I was going." You internally panicked as you bent down to pick up his bag, which you had previously accidentally knocked out of his hand. "It's alright sweetheart, don't worry."

You froze. "Sweetheart?" Your mind wandered around that thought as you unknowingly. Your eyes were lost on his gorgeous face as you unknowingly kept a tight grip on the bag. The guy's sentence snapped you out of your trance.

"You okay?" Immediately, you let go of it. "Oh, sorry." A nervous smile fell on your face as you quickly handed it to him and brought a hand to your now warm forehead. The guy chuckled at you as he complimented, "You're cute."

His compliments keep catching you off guard, before you even had a minute to register anything he said, he spoke up again. "You're not busy are you?" You shook your head at his question, wondering how you even got to this point.

For a moment, you completely forgot about everyone else.

This guy was intoxicating. "I've seen you've been wandering around with some other guys, mind if I tag along?" It was at this moment your body decided before your heart did. "Sure, that's fine." Throwing him a smile as he held out his hand for you to shake as he introduced himself. "I'm Mingyu."

"Mingyu.. that sounded familiar." You had sworn you'd heard that name somewhere. Pondering as you connected his hand with yours, shaking slowly. "Y/N." Unable to form a full sentence as you left him with just your name. "Y/N there you are." A voice behind you caught you off guard as you saw that Bang Chan was running in your direction. He seemed a bit worried. "You can't run off like that this late." Chan took a peek at who you were talking to. "Oh hey! Haven't seen you in a while. What are you doing in Japan?" The leader abandoned your guy's conversation and went over to talk to Mingyu. "Ah just touring, we have some free time so." The way he spoke captured you, and you felt like you couldn't take your eyes off of him. "You don't mind if I tag along with you guys do you?" By this time, the other members had caught up with you three and now listened in on their conversation.

"Ah, I think we're about to head back, it's decently late.

Sorry about that."

"Ah no worries, as long as I can get this one's number." His hand laid a gentle tap on your arm. In the few minutes you had been around him, you could tell Mingyu was a very flirty person. This left you sort of embarrassed, but it also left butterflies swirling around your stomach. God, you know that these boys would tease you about this later.

And damn were you right.

After you all filed onto the bus once again, they started messing with you. "Awh how cute, someone has themself a boyfriend." Hyunjin who was next to you nudged our shoulder. "Stop." You pushed him off of you. "I don't have anything."

"Mhmmm sure. That's why your eyes were glued to his face during his whole conversation with Chan."

"I was just trying to figure out who he was. That's all." You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms in your seat. “Pfft yeah right, everyone knows who Mingyu is. Not a very good excuse.” Lee Know stated again. “Only his name sounds familiar, i can’t think of anything else.” You let out a sigh as you rolled your eyes. Letting your body flop back in the seat as you crossed your arms. “Damn, so you really don’t know?” Felix’s voice sounded and your head shot in his direction, a questioning look on your face as you shook your head. “So you don’t listen to Seventeen?”

Your eyes widened as the group’s name was said. “You’re kidding, Seventeen?!” You sat back up as you heard Hyunjin laugh from next to you. “So I just embarrassed myself in front of the Mingyu from Seventeen?!” You dug your face in your hands, slouching back down. “I don’t think you embarrassed yourself, all you did was make googoo eyes at him for ten minutes.” Hyunjin teased as he neared your face. Feeling annoyed already, you pushed him away. “You’re so irritating!” He only laughed at your reaction as you rolled your eyes. The rest of the bus ride was pretty much just the others teasing you. Although you didn’t particularly enjoy it, you definitely enjoyed the time you spent with them. Finally, you had found your place.

Taglist: @silverstarburst @virluna148 @galaxycatdrawz @onementally-unstabel-kid @uso-dakedo @lampcults @chaer4life

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[biisexualemma]

guts pt.7. bucky barnes

word count: 4.5k

warnings: triggers, trauma, ptsd, mentions of blood and injuries

requested: i guess so

plot: bucky is awol and you have to navigate without him

a/n: this series is pretty intense sorry for all the angst but also i live for it lol also this is preeeettyy long but i promise it's worth it... just stick it out to the very end...

part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / masterlist

you walked into the kitchen, expecting the room to be empty, instead you caught steve with a mouthful of cereal sitting at the kitchen island alone. you hesitated, about to walk back out and return when you didn't have to face any of them.

you were exhausted, physically and mentally, you'd had nightmares every night for nearly a week. you were getting next to no sleep, you felt like a zombie in the day time, bags under your eyes, brain fog, your body felt physically weighed down. you tried not to let it show when you were around the rest of the team, but you were struggling the longer it went on.

just as you took a step back to head back to your room, steve spoke up. "i'm nearly finished," he glanced at you for a second out the corner of his eye, before scooping another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. "so don't run away on my account."

"i wasn't running away," you clarified, trying to snap back but honestly you were too tired so it came across a little more pathetic than you'd intended. "i... thought i forgot something but then i realised i... didn't."

"sure," he mumbled in between scoops, rolling his eyes. "just eat your breakfast, training starts in 10. don't be late again."

"you don't have to instruct me, i'm capable of keeping my own schedule," you were just arguing for the sake of it at this point. you didn't really care about any of it. you had to numb yourself to your surroundings and that included the people constantly in your vicinity that hated your guts. the avengers hating you had become the least of your concerns in the last week. you were too busy trying to function as normal when you felt so far from it.

"10 minutes, y/l/n," he repeated, placing his empty bowl into the sink and walking out of the kitchen.

you shook your head, trudging into the kitchen to make yourself something quick to eat when you were startled by the sound of another voice. "you should get some coffee in your system, you look tired," you'd recognise that voice anywhere, anyone would.

"be careful, you almost sound concerned for my welfare, tony," you regained your composure, ignoring his suggestion and making yourself a round of toast. "did pepper tell you to speak to me or something?"

"don't speak to me about pepper," he was short with you. nothing new. "it was an observation, we need you on top form if you're to be beneficial to us at all. so, take some sleeping tablets, go to your mandated therapy sessions and drink your coffee like the rest of us."

"so fucking dramatic," you rolled your eyes, taking a bite of your toast, speaking without swallowing first. "i'm fine. not that it's any of your business."

he gave you a look, like he knew something, and for a second you thought that maybe he did know something. had bucky told him about the other night? about the mission? you hadn't said much, but you thought that was between the two of you. bucky was supposed to be keeping an eye on you, did that mean he also had to report back to tony about you?

no, he wouldn't, would he? you didn't completely trust him, but you thought there was some kind of mutual understanding. a complicated mutual understanding.

"just show up and don't fuck up, ok?" he raised an eyebrow at you before turning to leave the room. what was up with everyone today?

"you know, coffee doesn't solve all your problems, you fuckin' boomer," you mumbled that last part, scoffing as he walked away.

you ate the rest of your breakfast in relative peace before heading to the training rooms, on time.

there were a few people missing, leaving only you, tony, steve, wanda, and natasha. bucky was nowhere to be seen, you couldn't figure out if that was a good or bad thing. he was usually your sparring partner, you hadn't trained with anyone else since you'd been here.

you wandered around, getting yourself situated and stretched out when steve walked over to. you glanced over your shoulder at him while stretching out your arms.

"you're with natasha today," your arms dropped to your side when he spoke. you opened your mouth to protest but he had anticipated your reaction and held up his hand to stop you. "bucky's out of action— natasha is subbing in for him. they have a similar technique, and i want you to continue the repetition of your usual training sessions."

"out of action?" you couldn't catch yourself before you said it aloud, your eyebrows furrowing for a split second. bucky always showed up. he was always here. you thought it must be something serious to keep him, bucky was a stickler for routine and repetition, he hadn't not shown up before. something you'd picked up on unconsciously by being around him. "what does that mean?"

"it means out of action," he repeated, he looked you up and down, noticing the expression that flashed across your face for a split second before you hid it. steve liked to think he was good at reading people, but he struggled with you. he thought he'd known you better than anyone way back when, but you proved him to be wrong. and now, now he didn't even recognise you, never mind knowing you. your expression could've meant everything or nothing. "he'll be back in tomorrow."

you avoided steve's eyes that were piercing into you, he was trying to get a read on you. you immediately put your guard back up, not even realising till now that you'd let it slip. "a break from mr routine, what a treat," your lip curled into a weak smirk but it quickly disappeared when natasha joined the two of you on the mat. "never mind, this is worse."

nat didn't say anything, she hardly looked at you, her eyes on steve. her eyes were always on steve though so that was nothing new.

"work on your hand to hand combat, both of you," steve said, eyes lingering on you before a second before turning to natasha. "stick to the training sets that bucky's been running with you, y/l/n."

"don't you think we should switch it up a bit? bucky's not even here to—"

"stick to the set, romanof."

you'd never really heard steve be stern with anyone other than you before, his eyes lingered on natasha who was glaring at him unmercifully. "sure thing, cap'n," she rolled her eyes before briefly looking over at you, unable to hold your eyes for long. "c'mon then, y/l/n. sooner we start, sooner we finish."

"you sweet talk all your partners like that, nat?" you cocked an eyebrow, watching how hard she was trying to avoid meeting your eyes. you let out a scoff.

"shut up and start," she mumbled quickly before taking a swing at you.

you pulled back just in time, her fist ghosting past your jaw. "jeez, alright, lets go then."

you sparred back and forth for what felt like forever, neither of you getting anywhere. your fighting patterns were too alike, you had been trained the same way after all. so you knew every punch and swing she was going to throw and she knew yours. it was exhausting.

you were a little slower to react than usual purely based on your lack of sleep, but you still managed to keep up with natasha, practising like you would normally with bucky. you thought about what was keeping bucky out of action, he never mentioned anything and as far as you knew he didn't have any missions lined up just yet.

you'd have to remember to bug him about it next time you see him in order to curb your curiosity.

you felt steves eyes on you as you continued to fight, mindlessly you swung in all the right places, ducked when it was natasha's turn to fight back. it was nothing you hadn't practiced a hundred times.

"keep your mind sharp, y/n," steve hollered at you from across the room where he'd been watching your every move. "you're lagging."

"i'm keeping up just fine," you snapped back, not appreciating him calling you out in front of everyone when you were doing the exercises he'd instructed you to do exactly like he'd asked. "keep an eye on romanoff why don't you— we all know you prefer to keep your eyes on her—"

"y/l/n," he raised his voice sternly. "shut up and concentrate."

you rolled your eyes as you swung at natasha's head and she caught your wrist like she was supposed to. "maybe if i didn't have you nagging me i could concentrate better—"

natasha caught your fist in her hand, pushing you backwards, throwing your fist back at you. you huffed, jabbing at her as she slapped your hands away every time. "i don't want to hear your excuses, y/l/n."

you were caught off guard for a second, your attention turning to steve who was oblivious to the words that held so much weight to you. in a second you were transported back to that night, you felt it all.

that was until natasha's foot smacked into your face, silencing all the noise and knocking you with a spin straight onto your ass. 

"nat," you just about heard steve scold her over the ringing in your ears. "i said hands."

"she was getting too comfortable," she defended, not even concerned. "you said it yourself, i just did something about it."

you held your hand to the side of your face where it was beginning to throb. "you're such a bitch, romanoff," you gritted through your teeth.

she looked down at you for a second before rolling her eyes and looking back over at steve. "you're too soft."

"take five, romanoff."

you pushed steves hand away when he tried to help you up, instead pushing yourself up onto your feet yourself.

"i suggest you take a break too, get some ice on that," steve was trying to be civil, he could see your cheek burning up already.

"i'm done for today," you said in hurry, permanent frown now stuck on your face. "fuck this and fuck you both."

-

it was later that day, you hadn't seen or heard from anyone, not even bucky. you had showered and proceeded to sit in your towel on your bed and stare at the wall for what felt like hours until you finally were able to pull yourself out of your trance and change. truthfully, you had no idea how much time had passed, you were in and out of your head since your training session with nat earlier, you were finding it harder and harder to distinguish between what was real and what was a memory. being in this place, being around these people dredged up memories you'd suffocated and buried for years. you weren't sure how much longer you could keep up the act and go along with all of this.

there was a knock at your door, your eyes refocusing as the noise pulled you back to your room, your hands laying on your thighs, nails dug into your bare skin. your head turned to the door but it didn't open, it wasn't bucky, he would've let himself in. nobody else ever knocked at your door. 

you dragged yourself over and snapped at the handle, pulling the door open to reveal steve on the other side.

you eyed him up and down, "i told you i was done for today."

he was fixated on something, you didn't know what it was, but having spoken you seemed to snap him out of it. he cleared his throat. "that's not your call to make. i need you on a mission tonight, no fuss or mess," he stiffened, his shoulders straightening and his eyes glued to your forehead, he wouldn't look you in the eyes. you were a machine to him at this point, to all of them, not human, not capable or useful unless you were in the field. "it's you, nat and me, and we gotta go now."

"i don't think that's a good id--"

"i don't care how you feel about either of us, leave your shit at the door and do what you're here to do. i need you suited up in ten," your hollow eyes stared up at his but he didn't meet them, he turned and walked away, calling over his shoulder, "don't be late."

you were suited and down in the hanger in ten minutes, head pounding when the mission brief was read aloud to the three of you.

-

you were supposed to be in and out. 

your eyes were empty, you stared ahead, the thudding noise of the helicopter muffled in your ears as you sat across from nat and steve. you stared at their feet, eyelids heavy, you needed to land and get out of this metal box and away from them as quickly as possible. you couldn't take another lecture, you couldn't hear how you'd fucked up again. 

neither of them had looked at you since you narrowly escaped the mission you'd been sent on hours ago. nat was being tended to by the medics on the aircraft, you had slapped anyone away that had dared to come near you to clean you up. you needed to get out, you needed to get away from them now and yet you dreaded what was to come when you landed. there had already been a debrief on the failed mission passed along to the team back at the compound, so they could do damage control and prepare for the return of you three.

your body rocked as the aircraft came to land, the hanger doors began to open and you unbuckled and got to your feet. you were so dissociated at this point you could hardly feel any of the pain, just a throbbing all throughout, but that didn't mean you didn't know that it was bad. you felt your leg lose out under you, a medic came to assist you but you swatted them away and dragged yourself out of the helicopter with a slight limp.

your ears rang, you could hear their muffled voices talking to each other, nat and steve had marched on ahead of you not even looking back. you just walked straight, eyes unfocused and unclear, you were in a daze, unable to come back around. you just needed to get away from everyone, that was all you could think when two hands grabbed either side of you and physically halted you in your stride. the cool metal touching your burning skin pulled you out of your head, you eyes refocusing on him now standing in front of you.

you studied his face, eyebrows knitted together tight, his stoic blue eyes darted around your face and further down your body where your clothes were torn, and blood soaking the fabric in places. you were relieved to see a familiar face and soft eyes after being glared at and scalded for the past twenty-four hours.

"woah-- woah-- what happened to you?" you had a gash above your eye, bleeding still because you hadn't let anyone touch you or clean you up on the flight. your eyes still glossed over and slightly unfocused, but you felt yourself soften and ease up at the sound of his voice. behind him out the corner of your eye you watched the rest of the group angrily marching off in front of you.

"don't," you mumbled, barely audible. you were beginning to come out of your daze, he was pulling you out. you were starting to feel the full extent of your injuries. everything hurt, sharp shooting pains in your shoulder, your ankle weakening on you as you continued to walk.

bucky was looking you up and down, more concern as he watched you in real time start to feel your injuries and come back to your surroundings. he glanced ahead at the team who didn't even look back at you, his eyebrows furrowed tighter, confused. 

"c'mon," he held his arm open to you, offering himself up as a crutch for you to use until he could get you to a medic room. you glanced at him for a second, your head pounding, looking on at the team again who'd carried on without so much of a glance, and then back at bucky who had stopped with you, his arm still hanging open. "c'mon, i can help clean you up."

"you don't have to do that," your voice was low, embarrassed even that he was once again seeing you at your lowest point.

"i know," he gestured with his hand for you to come over and, though reluctant, you let him hold you up as he took you to the nearest medic room.

"bucky," you mumbled quietly, unsure what you wanted to follow with.

you didn't often use his name, it caught him off guard a little but he covered it quickly, clearing his throat.

"i know, it's ok."

-

"careful," you hissed, tilting your head away from him when he applied too much pressure to the cut above your eye. "that hurts."

he took a deep breath, holding his hand away from your face, waiting until you gave him the ok to continue. you moved back towards him, a small frown on your face as he moved to carry on cleaning out the wound.

"do you want to tell me what happened yet?" his eyes flickered down to your eyes for a split second. he wore a soft frown of his own, trying his best to keep his emotions in check.

"there's not much to tell," you mumbled, eyes now focused down on your lap, where your hands sat fidgeting.

"tell me anyway," he was trying to keep you occupied while he cleaned you up to keep you from pulling away again. he didn't want to keep you longer than he had to, he could tell you were tired. 

"i just lost my focus for a second, that's all," you shrugged, playing it down. bucky could tell there was more. "i'm human, it happens."

"like when you lost your focus in training?" he watched as you shifted with his eyes on you, redirecting his gaze when he realised you were becoming uncomfortable.

"you weren't even there," you mumbled. "you don't know what happened."

"you could tell me," he paused, letting his hands drop, falling opposite to where yours still sat in your lap. 

your eyes were cold, uncertain when you lifted them to meet with his, your eyebrows knitted softly together. "how am i supposed to trust you?"

bucky sighed, putting down the supplies he'd been using to clean out your wound.

you didn't know where you stood with him. he acted as if he cared about what happened to you but you couldn't figure out if that was genuine concern, or if it was a tactic to get you to open up because he had people to report back to about you.

repeating it to yourself in your head, it sounded ridiculous, you sounded paranoid, but you had every reason to be with this particular group of people. you knew this team well, inside and out, all the good and bad. except for bucky. you'd heard of him, you'd encountered him in your past lives but you didn't know him like you did the others. 

"not everyone has it out for you, you know," was his response. "i definitely don't."

"your job is to get me to trust you though—"

"my job is to make sure you don't go rogue," he cut you short, he shook his head. "you don't have to trust me— i get why you wouldn't want to. but i'm here and not just because i have to be."

your eyes flickered back and forth between his while he spoke, trying to absorb everything he was telling you and his meaning. you looked over at him a little bit softer than before, reminded that his history was just as grey as your own.

he let out a sigh when you didn't budge, straightening his back out and pulling his gaze away from you for a second. "alright, if i tell you a secret, will you tell me what happened?"

you rolled your eyes, out of habit you said, "a secret? how old are we—"

"y/n," he warned you to stop teasing and you did. you huffed, looking over at him sternly and nodding.

"fine," you spoke. "tell me."

he took a deep breath, exhaling through his nostrils. your eyes squinting ever so slightly, watching as he rubbed his palms against his thighs. "everyone walks on egg shells around me," he started. "they send me to therapy, give me a routine to stick to, only put me out on the safer, straightforward missions— they want me to be better," he spoke with a slight shake in his voice. "but they watch me, hover, waiting for me to slip up — it's a constant remind that everything's not normal— that i could lose it at any given moment."

you were hanging onto his every word, your eyes locked onto his which moved around the room as he spoke, your lips parted slightly. you wanted to say something, anything, but nothing seemed right.

"you don't don't do that," his eyes met yours when he said this and your breath caught in your throat slightly, catching you off guard. "you hold me accountable, you don't make excuses for any of the shit i've done."

"bucky—"

"you make me feel more human than i have in years," he cut you off, shaking his head when you tried to speak. "you don't treat me like a ticking time bomb— you don't hold back—" he exhaled, like he'd let a weight off his shoulders. "and even though you're a pain in my ass— i feel more myself around you than anyone else."

"interesting," you stretched the word out, your eyes glossed over as they wandered away from him in thought.

it'd been a while since someone had enjoyed you being around them. you'd spent the past decade or so on your own, you had gotten used to it, but the past couple months you'd spent with bucky had been different. whenever he didn't show up, though it wasn't often or without good reason, you found yourself lost. you had been navigating everything here with him there every step of the way, whether you appreciated that he was there or not. subconsciously, you had grown used to having him two steps ahead or behind you. 

"don't let that go to your head, i also said you're annoying— and i meant it," he quickly cleared up, clearing his throat. "i also meant it when i said that it was a secret."

"ok, i promise i won't tell anyone you think i'm super annoying," you joked, the corner of your lip twitching upwards only for a second as you teased him. you swore you saw bucky's eyes flicker down to your lips. you narrowed your eyes at him but before you could say anything he'd beaten you to it.

"you're really funny," he rolled his eyes, before nudging his knee against yours. "it's your turn anyway. 'fess up."

you huffed, rolling your eyes. "it's really not as interesting as your little confession," he didn't respond, only waited patiently for you to carry on. his eyes didn't move from yours. he wasn't going to let you off. "ok i'll tell you but quit the staring competition, sarge."

he straightened his back, creating a bit of space between you two, his eyes wandering down to your fidgeting hands.

"i was paired with natasha, because you weren't available and someone had to watch me," you began to explain, he watched as you pulled at your fingers while you did. "you should probably keep in mind that since the nightmares got particularly bad i've been skipping my therapy sessions," he looked up at you disapprovingly, opening his mouth to protest but you cut him off. "i know, i don't need to hear it," you pleaded with him, he sighed. "anyway, i haven't been sleeping, at all, which you kinda know, i guess," you struggled to hold eye contact with him. "and i don't know-- i jumped the gun, ignored natasha's direct order to hold my position and as a direct result, tipped off the guards that we were supposed to take out discreetly, who then set off the alarms and disrupted the entire mission."

your head was hanging low at this point, unable to meet his eyes again. you ran your hand over your face, letting out a tired huff. "i got my ass handed to me, because i'm not on top form right now. tony tried to tell me and i didn't listen, steve told me to get my shit together and i didn't listen, nat tried to keep me in check and i didn't listen."

"if natasha hadn't been so quick to act, i'd probably look a lot worse than i do," you sighed, your forefinger and thumb trying to unknit the crease between your brows. "they're all super pissed at me. pretty sure tony is ready to give up on this whole thing, and maybe that's not the worst idea."

"tony's not going to give up on you," was the first thing bucky said. 

you shook your head. "he's done it before, he'll do it again."

"trust me," bucky shook his head, his hand moving to sit on your knee, giving it a squeeze. "it happens, for one reason or another, missions never go exactly the way we plan them to. tony knows that better than anyone."

"we're supposed to be better than this."

"you know better than anyone that we're not."

you chewed on the inside of your cheek, trying to keep yourself in check. "i'm just tired," you mumbled. "really fucking tired of all of this."

you felt your throat tighten, immediately dropping your head when you felt your eyes grow wet. bucky's hand moved from it's place on your knee, grabbing onto your fidgeting hands and giving them a squeeze. your eyebrows knitted upwards at the contact and before you could restrain yourself, you had closed the gap between you, desperately wrapping both your arms around him. you tucked your head into his shoulder, letting out a sigh of relief when you felt him wrap his arms around your torso and squeeze just enough so that he didn't hurt you.

"i know," he breathed out, a little bit taken aback from you initiating the physical contact. "it's ok, we'll figure it out," you nodded slightly, sniffling, tucking your face further into his neck, your breath ghosting his skin. his breath hitched in his throat, goosebumps running up his arms. he gave you a squeeze before encouraging you to pull back. he was more confused than ever.

your eyes stung red, wet with tears but none had spilled, you used the back of your sleeve to wipe under your nose. your cheeks were flushed, blood beginning to trickle down again from the cut that bucky hadn't finished cleaning. his lips parted, unable to move his eyes away from your face and the state that you were in. he just wanted to make it stop. his eyes lost on you, he couldn't form a coherent thought, he just found his body involuntarily leaning closer to yours.

your eyes darted back and forth between his blue orbs, they were soft, full of concern and warmth. your eyebrows twitched together in a small, fleeting frown, you felt yourself pull back from his lean in. almost brought back to reality from the small movement you'd made, bucky faltered, his eyes refocused from where they had been glossy and locked in, he paused. he opened his mouth to apologise but before he could say anything your hands were either side of his face. you hesitated, the scuff of his stubble under your fingertips was new, it was rough but somehow a comforting reminder that he was real, he was in front of you and he wanted to kiss you.

you moved closer to his face, eyes now meeting directly in front of each other, noses inches apart, your chin tilting upwards to ghost your lips in front of his. "are you--?"

"it's ok," you barely got the words out before he closed the gap, his lips against yours. your hands travelled to the back of his neck, his moved to your waist. he was kissing you.

tag list: @caillouthebabywitch @alanis-altair @the-obelisk @seabass17 @bqnners @jihyunncho @inpraizeof @angelpirabbit @the-chocoholic-writer @cjand10 @paintlavillered @leviathanspain @luckyzipperscissorsbat @g1g1l

[fandomfluffandfuck]

related mostly to this, but also this, so... very tmi shit under the cut:

Normally, when I have tmi sex and/or scene stories to tell, I put them in the tags, but there's too much to say this time thus, a whole fucking post. No half hiding in the tags, lmao.

Last night was a goddamn religion experience. I swear to FUCK. I say scenes are godly in the most unholy way in my writing a lot and... yeah 😮‍💨

The first thing I did at the party was get my boots blacked, since I've always wanted to, and--Jesus Christ. I would have been completely chill with that being my only playing for the whole night because it was ✨️that good✨️

The bootblack that was there was criminally, unfairly good in so many ways. For one, my boots look better than they did when I bought them, and I do upkeep them myself. Secondly, he fried my fucking brain. Of course, I understood that bootblacking in a kink setting is a kinky experience and would be deeply sexual going into it. That being said, I was not fucking prepared for the bootblack to apply some of the shit he was using on my leather with his tongue. I was not prepared to have one of the leather belts that he had to work on wrapped around my neck to use as a leash to force me down closer to his level where he was at my feet so he could kiss me. With my chest pressed to my thighs, his hand at the end of some strangers belt around my throat, he kissed me, and smeared some of whatever it was he was using into my mouth, against my own tongue. I was not prepared for him to taste the leather of my boots, nor was I prepared for him to share the fucking taste (not to mention him asking if I wanted a second taste when we broke apart and me immediately going, "uh-huh," as if I were trained on command). 😮‍💨🥴 Oh. my. fucking. god.

I tipped the bootblack because, duh, and he playfully refused to accept it from my hand. Instead, he had me wedge the cash between the lases of my boots because he wanted to show off how he could untie my laces with just his teeth. He did. He fucking did. Then, he had me re-tie my own laces. I nearly fucking forgot how to tie my boots, I shit you not--and I'm pretty sure that was the point 👀

Okay, so, boots blackened and severely fucking turned on, after that I was like whatever the fuck comes up, I'm fucking good. I. Yeah.

I watched for a while. The guy who threw the party had a really big house with only a small part set as off-limits, so I wandered around until... I got approached by a different guy. I forget the exact words of his opener, and even if I remembered it, it would be nowhere as charming in text as in real life. Anyway, he was straight (ha) to the point and basically was, just, hey, you look like you're really light (for reference, think about pre-serum Steve but a tiny bit taller, I'm 5'6", not 5'4"), I bet you'd be perfect to suspend. And, oh, are you into that, by chance? When I said I'd never been suspended, he started to back off, but I was like, oh, oh no. You can't say shit like that to me and not expect to make me curious to try.

People.

I've tied other people up before, but I haven't been tied up myself in any real capacity--I've practiced shit on myself and gotten off, lmao. And certainly, I had never been suspended myself.

I have now.

I got fucking suspended.

There were anchor points in the ceiling of the basement, and we used them to their full capacity. The writer in me is, like, details details details, meaning I would fucking love to tell you what ties he did and everything but I don't fucking remember. He told me the names before we got into it so I could agree. But I don't recall in the fucking slightest, lmao. I just. Brain gone.

He did my legs (my calves to the back of my thighs) and arms (which were straight back behind me, tied together at the elbow and wrist, meaning that my arms were up toward the ceiling as I was facing the floor). (Eventually, he tied a rope around my torso at the small of my back, too, to help hold me up, that was later, though.)

But.

Before I was really suspended, I was on the floor, he had me on my back, legs folded up underneath me, arching my back to accommodate for the position and so my stomach and dick was very exposed, and he joked very casually--while standing over me, staring down and smirking, of course 🥴--about kicking me so hard that he'd leave the tread print of his boot in my stomach and. I think I died.

Fuck.

I really kinda wish he did kick me that hard 😮‍💨 I'm sure the pattern of the fucking workboots he had on would look great.

Anyway, then, later, I was not on the floor. At all. And as it turns out, I'm even more bendy than I apparently already look 💀

I don't really experience subspace in the same capacity that I experience domspace. I don't go as deep, for sure. And maybe that's why I prefer domming to some degree. That being said, suspension is probably the deepest I've ever gone into subspace. Like. That weightlessness. Every touch, meant to be stimulating--being groped or whatever--or not--like having his fingers slide between my skin and the ropes, checking to make sure nothing was too tight--made my entire body move and sway and twist. Yet, I absolutely couldn't move. I could not keep anything straight. He would touch me in one place and then suddenly be doing something else, somewhere else.

The rope he was using was sisal and holy shit. It's like jute but better because it's rougher and it hurts more. Like. Suspension obviously doesn't have to hurt. I told him I was all good with more than a little hurt, though. So. He made it hurt.

And I now have the announcment that I... I may be much more of a masochist than I thought 💀💀

I couldn't move, obviously, but I could strain against the ropes some and oh my fucking god. He edged me, jerking me off, before I came down from the tie and he swear to god I was groaning so ridiculously loudly by the end because I couldn't not strain and flex against the rope but that just made the rope dig even more into my skin. Every time I twitched it hurt a little more. Not gonna lie, I think the weightlessness and restraining and pain did more for me than the pleasure of a hand job 😮‍💨

It was incredible.

That fucking dom was incredible. He was so good at ties and suspension and so accommodating to my inexperience, listening but also creative enough to know where to push to give me more than I wanted.

Also. Because I was already fucking there and why not go zero to sixty, though, this is probably more like zero to hundred, lmao, when I came down from being suspended, he untied me, and then I gave my first blow job. It is exactly what I thought it would be, which is intoxicating. The smell. The taste. The weight of it. The power. The way he enjoyed it. Just. Yup.

I was totally fucking locked in the entire time the scene was happening, nothing else fucking existed, nothing else could have--but now that I'm out of it... I can't wait to turn around and have a sub that I can give head to in the same way. I love eating pussy, I really fucking do. It's about the heat, the wetness, the smell, the way they squirm, those noises, and the way it's so fucking easy to pull pleasure out of someone like that. And I just know sucking dick would be the same, doing it from the dom side, not the sub side. As a sub, don't get me wrong, it feels so fucking good to be used--aching, in pain, like, fucking throbbing but also totally limp, so all you can do is stay where they put you and be used. But, I just know flipped it'll be just as good and, maybe, for my personal taste, better.

Aftercare was done--that rope dom was fucking great (as was that bootblack). And before my friend, who I came with, and I left, we did little more watching, together, then headed home.

So, to simplify: first, all gay dungeon party achieved and successful 😮‍💨😮‍💨 Bootblacking experience successful and hot as shit. Suspension experience successful, also hot as shit. Giving a blowjob successful, hot, and in need of repeats.

Thanks for listening to my tmi tales, lmao

[aihoshiino]

Da Vinci Magazine Jan. 2024: A Q&A with Ai of B-Komachi!

In the January 2024 issue of Da Vinci magazine, there was an in-character interview with Ai as written by Aka Akasaka that you can read a translation of here! What I forgot to mention on that initial post is that there was also a little lightning round Q&A the original anon didn't translate at the time. Thankfully, they did post it and I just... completely forgot it existed until now. ;9 Shout out to past me who remembered to save it and kept me from having to dig thru the 4chan archives for it...

Unlike the original interview, this is my translation! So any goofs and gaffes are entirely on me lol. This is also totally spoiler safe, so you can read both this Q&A and the original interview no matter what point you are in the series.

Get to Know Ai Better! Q&A Session

Q. What motto do you live by?

A. I really like "Tomorrow is a new day." I'm one of those people who forgets all their worries after a good nights' sleep. (laughs)

Q. Tell us how you refresh yourself!

A. I like taking naps on my days off. I was saying earlier that I forget my worries once I've gotten some sleep but with this job, it can be hard to find the time to actually do it. Not just that, but lately I've been waking up in the night to take care of this and that, so when I do have the time to sleep, I really conk out.

Q. What is your routine on days off?

A. I wake up, prep some milk… oh, um - I like cornflakes so I always need milk for breakfast. Then I go for a nap (laughs). I know some of the other B-Komachi members like going to beauty salons or nail salons, but I don't do nails and I let my hair grow out so I'm usually just at home (laughs). I even cut my own bangs! I've been doing it for years so I'm pretty good at it. I've even cut other peoples' hair once or twice, though not anyone in B-Komachi.

Q. Your 20th birthday's coming up soon. What are you looking forward to doing once it arrives?

A. I want to try drinking alcohol. The president of my agency keeps saying, "I can't wait to have a drink with you!" He makes it sound like a lot of fun, so I'm curious to know what getting tipsy's like.

Q. What book left the biggest impression on you this year?

A. It's a manga, but I was moved to tears by "I'll Go With Sweet Today". The heroine is a girl who distrusts people and develops anorexia, becoming terrified of eating… I have a bit of that in me too, though not quite to the same extent she does, so I could really relate to her and her journey to recovery really moved me. If there's ever a live-action version, I'd love to play her!

Q: What would you like to do after the Dome concert?

A: I'd like to go on a trip or something. Where would be nice... Oh, I've heard of 'Mito Natto' before, so maybe Mito!

Q: What's something a fan said that made you happy?

A. You know, I didn't used to read any fan letters at all. But there was a time I was getting tired of being an idol and I was planning to quit, so the president made me sit down and read all the letters I'd gotten. That was the first time I'd ever realized just how much support I was getting and it made me go "in that case, I'll give them all my love and support in return!". I even wrote a song about it. So now I treasure all the letters and words I get from my fans. I actually got a gift from a fan recently, some 'star sand'. It was really beautiful and my real name "star" in it, it made me really happy. I've still got it displayed in my room.

Q: What is "true love" to you?

A. I guess if I had to sum it up, I'd say true love is being a genius who doesn't lie. I think maybe people lie to avoid lying. I'm not sure if that's a good answer and even I don't know if it makes sense, but it's just something I feel.

Q: Do you think you're a liar?

A: Hmm~~? That's a se~cret! (laughs)

[softguarnere]

Hey. I'm really sorry if I came across pushy or impatient bc that was not my intention at all. Of course school is more important. I hope you like my ideas but if not that's totally fine.

Ok, so here's the first one. You have been a member of Easy co. through almost the whole war. Down in the mud with them and forced to wear the same uniform. Other than being the only girl in the company you just blended in with the guys. That is, until the end of the war came.

My request is a headcanon of the guys reaction to seeing you actually look like a girl for the first time. I mean the works; pin up hair, make up, killer dress, and heels. Also, if it's not too much trouble could you please make sure to include Doc Roe, Babe, Malarkey, and Liebgott? If you want to include any of the other boys please do. Thanks!

Hey hey! Me again sending in my second idea. Again you're the only girl in Easy co. and at some point during the war you took quite a bit of shrapnel; especially to your chest and abdomen.

This is another reaction headcanon request (of a more romantic nature) of the guys seeing all your scars for the first time during a more private moment. Again can you please include Doc Roe, Babe, Malarkey, and Liebgott? Thanks! ❤️

Since you sent two requests, I decided to combine them for the sake of ease and time.

Even though I'm a writer, I'm a historian by trade, and I've never been comfortable with the whole "unexplained sole female member of the company" because I could never stretch my imagination to come up with a proper explanation for why that would be, so I hope you don't mind that I had to change it slightly. I also don't write NSFW, so the second part had to be left pretty vague.

Because of the time crunch, these haven't been proof read or edited!

Reactions to seeing you dressed up for the first time, and later, your battle scars

Doc Roe

When a women's division was added to Easy Company, a lot of the men found themselves getting somewhat distracted

If he's being honest, then yes, Gene has spared a glance at some of the women. But he's been so busy with the constant work of being a combat medic that he hasn't noticed anyone in particular

Until the end of the war, that is

Everyone goes wild once Berchtesgaden is taken. People are looting the jewelry and clothes for themselves, for friends and family, for sweethearts back home

And you happen to take a dress and some jewelry that make you absolutely sparkle - when Gene sees you for the first time, it takes his breath away

Once he works up the courage to talk to you, the two of you take it slow

With everything that has happened and the fast pace of the war, he completely forgot that you took some shrapnel back in Bastogne

You seem so ashamed when you first show him the scars it left you with, but he thinks nothing of it

"We all got 'em," he assures you

"You don't."

"Yeah, I do." He places your hand over his heart. "You just can't see 'em."

Babe

Okay, I think he would actually take notice of you for the first time after the war

It's at an Easy reunion. He happens to look up from his drink as you walk in

He chokes, which draws Bill's attention

"Who the hell is that?"

Bill squints over at you. "Oh, I think it's (Y/L/N)."

"Who?"

"(Y/N)? From the women's division, remember?"

Babe tilts his head. "No."

"Well, she looks different outta uniform, I guess."

All this to say, Babe has taken an interest in you, and he has no qualms about telling you exactly that when he (re)introduces himself to you

You have a great time at the reunion, and although you and Babe keep in touch and become close, he's a little shocked to realize how many things he didn't know about you

Like about the scars that the war left you with

You're shy, almost timid, when you show him, even though you trust him by now

"I had no idea," he admits.

"I don't usually bring it up," you hesitate before continuing. "It, uh - some guys haven't liked it. It makes them uncomfortable."

Something about the way you say it is so open and honest that Babe can't help the rush of emotion that comes over him. He grabs your hand and squeezes it tight

"Then doll, they weren't good enough for you."

Malarkey

Unlike the others, he knows you got hit, because he was there

But it's not something that he thinks about. He's busy trying to forget the war, after all

And as the war draws to a close, he gets so used to seeing you in your Ike jacket and thinking about how it makes you look like some sort of goddess of war that it's distracting

It's not until your last night in Berchtesgaden, when your relationship becomes official, that he learns about the scars the shrapnel left you with

"Does it hurt?" he asks, immediately remembering that awful day back in Holland when he saw you go down as the shrapnel struck you.

"No." You only smirk. "You should see the other guy."

He knew there was a reason that he liked you so much.

Liebgott

Listen, he's such a flirt that I'm convinced he noticed you before and has been subtly throwing flirtations your way throughout the war

But once he sees you at the war's end in a dress and some bright red lipstick that you stole? WOW - you're a knock-out. The pin-ups back in the States have nothing on you, and he simply can't wait another second to make a move

"Hiya, your Highness." He kisses the back of your hand and gives you a deep bow. "My name is Joe. Have we met before?"

All the other women would be giggling while watching the interaction. You can only roll your eyes, trying to hide the heat rushing to your cheeks.

"Maybe once . . . in your dreams."

Joe has always thought you were pretty, and he'll think your gorgeous no matter what

Seeing your scars has a different effect on him.

The anger that would course through him at the realization that the war left its mark on you in the most literal sense? Unmatched.

"Joey," you have to tell him, hooking his chin with a finger and guiding his gaze back up to your eyes. "If it makes you uncomfortable I can - "

"No." He grabs your hands. "Sorry, doll. I didn't mean to make you self-conscious. I just - "

"I know," you assure him. "No use being angry now, though. The damage is done."

But he doesn't want you to see it as damage. And slowly, he comes to see it as character instead; one more piece of you that makes you who you are - and reminds him of why he fights.

[voidyyzz]

can i get your opinion on this

The mischaracterization is INSANE /lh

Nonbinary Ixol I can fw but bro is NOT sensitive he is MENTALLY UNSTABLE and an ASSHOLE but in a funny and playful way (most of the time)

Hell he can even make himself pretty intimidating!!

Idk just

The word "sensitive" does NOT fit him

Taking from this since I decided to look it up for clarification, he does NOT act like this

I mean I do hc that he can be a bit nice sometimes to the people he likes (not meaning "like" in a romantic way btw, meaning it in a friends way), but we don't really see that canonically

Warning I am YAPPING MY MOUTH OFF under the cut

Canonically he taunts you, finds your suffering amusing, and has a pretty short temper towards you and others (especially Cyalm). His personality does switch a bit at one point (him breaking down over the loss of his voices/friends) where he does seem more vulnerable, but he is still closed off and a bit aggravated.

Now getting to the mentally unstable aspect (cuz I almost forgot about that lol)

As you can see through the dialogue for the challenge course, he quickly switches up from presumably calm to very aggressive just from a simple rejection to his offer.

Now you could say "oh it's just a simple mood swing, it doesn't show anything about him mentally-" IT DOES

did some research for myself and drastic moods swings (like the ones he's displayed above) can be a sign of mental instability

It can even be a sign of BPD! (I can even confirm this myself as I have BPD)(Though while my BPD is self diagnosed since my parents aren't willing to get me tested, I have done extensive research to make sure I was positive I had it.)

(also this isn't me saying Ixol has BPD (though I do hc that LMAO), just showing that it can be a sign that he's mentally unstable)

Pre Shattered Shardscape, at the point where Cyalm kills off the voices in Ixol's head (which I'm ngl the voices themselves could be used in the claim of him being mentally unstable too), he quickly goes mad and becomes highly aggressive and violent. This is yet another instance of these drastic mood swings.

The level of how violent he becomes could even be a sign of mental illness or instability in itself due to how it can sometimes be associated with mental illness.

Ok now let's get into his funny and playful aspect lol, this'll be the shortest part probably.

...

Just look at this dialogue bro

I can't put all my screenshots since I'm at the image limit but LOOK!! the playfulness and silliness radiates from this dialogue like it's Chernobyl

He's so silly I love him I love him so much mwahmwahmwahmwah kissing the image of ixol I put in my wallet mwamwah

Ok I think I'm getting too silly myself LMAO

I completely forgot abt how I was talking abt how Ixol was being mischaracterized and just went into an whole ass analytic essay god damn

I am normal about him I swear

[thelostgirl21]

I wish there was a way to clearly say:

I'm personally comfortable being called a "woman", only because I have the sexual dimorphism typically associated with a female of the human species, and that's how other people see me as when they look at my physical appearance; nothing more.

While making 100% sure not to accidentally bring any harm to the trans community, or making it sound like one's gender identity should always match their physical appearance, when that's far from being the case.

Because, until very recently, I'd always been calling myself "a girl", or "a woman" exclusively based on how I physically look.

To me, defining myself as "a woman", has always been the equivalent of describing an external characteristic of my body that others are able to see.

- I'm a woman.

- I'm 5'7''.

- I have brown eyes.

- etc.

It's always been exactly the same to me. It's what you can physically see, not who I am.

Somehow, it's like I completely forgot to develop a sense of personal identity tied to "being a woman" while I was growing up.

I could wake up tomorrow with a body that has the sexual dimorphism of a male of my species instead, have everyone call me a man and suddenly have to live my life as one, and I'd have only ONE problem with it.

Just the one.

My partner is a heterosexual man, so that would be a challenge.

But otherwise, I think I'd just be really curious to explore the physiological differences between my prior body and my new body, and then move on with my life without changing a single thing to the things I like, my behavior in general, personal interests, probably the way I like to dress, too, etc.

I'd just be "looking more masculine" while doing it.

It would be like having blonde short hair instead of my current brown long hair.

The rest of the world would treat me differently as a man, sure! But that wouldn't reflect how I identify or feel inside about who I am.

Just how others now see me as and choose to socially treat me.

My gender, to me, is something that's always existed outside of myself.

I have no personal use for it, nor is it a part of my personality.

I guess I've often been gender-non-conforming, too, not because I was attempting to rebel against my own gender, felt a need to distance myself from the binary, or anything... But just because I've never seen the point of it.

I've had boyfriends telling me that it was like I wanted to be the "man in the relationship", and being upset that I wasn't letting them play their role at times (that hasn't really been an issue with women, oddly enough); and I broke up with them without looking back, because what the fuck was that even supposed to mean?

I wasn't trying to behave like a man or a woman, I was just being myself, and adopting the social roles and behaviors I'm comfortable with. If you can't love me as I am, then what am I supposed to do?

Younger, I've had little boys back at school telling me that "it was weird for a girl to like certain things or express herself a certain way", and my response has always pretty much been to shrug, go "guess I'm a weird girl then", and then continue doing things my way.

(Yes, I'm aware that I've been very privileged to live in a world where I've merely been occasionally bullied or suffered verbal micro-agressions for ignoring the social standards set for "little girls"... Then again, I've probably embraced some of them!

I loved playing with my "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe set", or walking around with a lightsaber pretending to be Luke Skywalker... But I was cool with "My Little Poney" (the originals) and "Rainbow Bright", too!

Like I said, I wasn't trying to be "non-conforming", I just liked whatever I liked!

I was also lucky enough that my parents fully allowed me to go for what I enjoyed in terms of toys, games, activities, playmates, etc., regardless of gender.

And my physical appearance as a child occasionally had people mistaking me for a boy. So, perhaps, the other adults that saw me behave as one in public assumed I was one, and thus put less pressure on me to behave in a way that would have been deemed more "feminine" than "masculine".

By the point I really started looking more "feminine" (like I do now), I guess I'd moved past caring about it, and/or had reached a point where it made no sense to me that it would suddenly have been upsetting that I occasionally behaved "as a boy" or enjoyed "boy things" now when, until then, it had always been perfectly fine and well accepted that I did!

I guess there's something to be said about the influence of early socialisation, and how adults in the social environment of a child respond to a young child's gender, in the level of importance they might instinctively give to it later on.)

Like, I'm pretty sure that, if I were to ask you to determine my gender based on my looks alone (while fully giving you permission to do it), especially when I'm performing on stage wearing makeup, you'd go "you're a woman!" with a fair level of confidence!

But that's just it! To me that's just the way I look. A stylistic choice based on the way my body chose to develop, if you will.

What drives me nuts, though, is that I have zero problem empathizing with the trans community and their need to express their own gender identity, because I know what it feels like to need to be seen and respected as one's authentic self!

You tell me you identify as a woman, a man, agender, genderfae, etc., and/or feel a need to express it? Be yourself, and rock that gender! It is who you are, and it is your right to own it!

The fact that I feel like I don't have any particular use or need for gender doesn't mean that it can't be important for others, and that they don't have a use or need for it themselves.

Just because I don't intimately understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist or doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that I can't support, and actively advocate for proper gender recognition and respect in schools and other public places.

I "get it" without "getting it", if you will.

The problem, however, is that I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea that, if I identify as a "woman", people will assume that it means more to me than "I physically look female".

That it will be assumed that I emotionally and psychologically connect with my gender, and feel a need to express it, or a sense of attachment and belonging to the woman gender.

After having called the way my physical body "looks" to others on the outside "being a woman" for decades, it's hard for me to suddenly go "being a woman is not the same as passing for a woman, it's about the gender you identify with inside..." and stop calling myself a woman, because I feel like I've no gender identity inside of myself.

But "agender" doesn't quite feel right to me, either, because I'd never had any problem with the idea of being a woman, until I learned that I was supposed to give a damn about being a woman, and personally connect with my gender, that is.

And "gender non-conforming" doesn't sound quite right, either, because I'm not trying to avoid conforming to the woman gender, or expressing a different gender than the one that was assigned to me at birth.

They basically gave me a gender based on my genitalia when I was born, and I went "Yeah, sure! I guess I can look the part... Why not?"; while ignoring the whole social instructions booklet and guidelines that went with it.

So lately, every time someone has asked me what my gender is, or what gender I identify with, I've had a tendency to freeze, panic, and mentally go:

Like the idea of my having a gender makes no internal sense to me. It's not something I can relate to, "vibe with", or identify with.

Is there a way to respectfully say "I'm calling myself a woman for convenience's sake, because that's the gender traditionally associated with the way I look, and I'm okay with having grown into a feminine appearance by default? But please, don't assume it means anything to me beyond that, or expect me to behave, dress, or do anything according to the woman gender."

I've been using "gender apathetic" in an attempt to convey it, but is that really what it means, and how most people understand it?

Basically, I feel like my answers to these questions would be:

- What physical look do you most resemble? Woman / feminine / female.

- What gender do you identify with? None.

- Do you feel comfortable being called a woman, and her / she pronouns, based on the way you look? Yes.

How do you freaking call or define that?

Non-internalized cisgenderism?