#also I think seeking reassurance from the people I'm around more often even if it seems silly would be good

[brown-little-robin]

I think I'm in the "conscious incompetence" stage of being a social animal in the real world and it sucks so majorly. bro what do you do after you realize you're bad at socializing and then in-person interaction gets harder because you know you're failing at it now.

[cyprozombiegirl]

Hi, about your post from around an hour ago about craving sexual desire from everyone

Parts of your description sounded very similar to my experience as someone who is histrionic and formerly hypersexual. For me, a lot of that was about the sexual attraction of others being a form of security for me. The mindset was subconsciously "if I can offer sex appeal, I won't be alone." It applied even to people I found unattractive and it was VERY distressing if I was not successfully seducing people. There were other hypersexual behaviors I had that were behind closed doors, but I'm not sure if they're relevant or not.

There's also the issues of misogyny and transphobia that passively influenced me to feel like me only option to be valuable to people is to be sexual. [I'm tme but I would figure that those oppressive forces would apply even more heavily to someone tma]

I don't necessarily think wanting people to be attracted to you is a bad thing. Parts of what you said resonated with me and sounded very familiar to my lines of thinking, but whether or not it's harmful is based more in whether it's compulsive, causing you distress, or harming your relationships.

[I hope none of this sounds cocky or is redundant. Best of luck with figuring all of this out <3]

Hi this is actually quite useful information. I had never heard of histrionic personality disorder (HPD) before. I’m going to continue my response below but for anyone reading this, just expect highly triggering stuff below:

I’m a CSA victim (childhood SA), by my birth mother (and maybe her best friend, my memories of it are minimal and confusing since I was like 5). But I’ve often felt before that my equation of my own survival with my sexual desirability to be because the mother figure who was feeding me and housing me and literally my mother was also sexually assaulting me. So yes I agree with your analysis that this probably has a lot to do with me equating my attractiveness with security. And I noticed in the description of the HPD on wikipedia that it tends to result from childhood trauma. Although, looking at the symptoms of it, I don’t think I fit many of them. I’m extremely precise in my language (one of the symptoms is imprecision), and I tend not to be dramatic, or show exaggerated emotions. Usually I’m described by others as level-headed and stoic to a fault.

With that said, I do think I’m attention seeking, and I relate to a lot of what you described in yourself. I too find it extremely distressing when I’m not viewed as sexually desirable or I fail at flirting. And I certainly feel the need to be attractive to people and receive sexual validation from them regardless of if I’m actually in need of sex. I’ll have to talk to my therapist about this and see what she thinks.

I also appreciate the reassurance that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I think it has some negative consequences, insofar as it makes me rather obsessive about being hot and distressed by the idea of not being hot, and this has led to eating disorder issues in the past (which tbh I blame on my parents being ex professional body builders), and a rigid workout regime. But I as far as I can tell it’s not harming any of my relationships and while I think it is rather compulsive, I’ve found ways (like this tumblr) of acting on those impulses in non-destructive ways.

thanks so much for reaching out and feel free to reply or slide into DMs

[tigreblvnc]

BLUE LOCK MATCHUP — @ay-na

Your match is...

— Karasu Tabito

✦ I'm not going to beat around the bush: I had a lot, A LOT of trouble picking someone for you!

✦ I find that you're looking for a set of qualities and the absence of flaws that very few characters in Blue Lock possess.

✦ ... Is it the natural high standards of INFJs? :D

✦ Because when one had the qualities, they also had the flaws. And when one didn't have the flaws, they lacked the qualities as well.

✦ This is kind of the story of making a manga based on competition and learning to sacrifice things to achieve your goal; it naturally leads to characters with dark and less glorious aspects.

✦ Fiction is also conducive to amplifying traits, giving rise to sometimes very stereotyped characters. Even though I think Blue Lock manages to add nuance by giving unexpected and somewhat realistic backstories to its characters.

✦ SO.

✦ I chose to assign you Karasu, who I think is the best compromise between what you're looking for and what you dislike in someone: he's clever, quick-witted, persistent… And he has that little unique twist thanks to his childhood that makes him a character with more layers of depth than it seems. Like many players, arrogance is one of his flaws, but honestly, you don't watch Blue Lock if you don't enjoy seeing a bit of cheekiness on screen.

✦ "I'm good with deciphering and reading people" is very Karasu-coded :D He learned this before playing football. It was his way of coping with his situation at school; analyzing people allowed him to anticipate reactions and thus play on his opponent's weaknesses before they could discover Karasu's own. To support this, here's a quote from his Wiki: "His hobby is observing, analyzing, and assessing humans." As they say: attack before being attacked. It's a strategy often adopted by those who have been mistreated.

✦ So, I would say that Karasu isn't inherently bad, but it's a layer you have to break through to reach the less brutal aspects of him.

✦ I think you'd be quite skilled at detecting this defense mechanism. It's probably something you've observed a lot. We already see it in nature: a wounded wild animal will try to defend itself by attacking those who try to approach it.

✦ "So I don't see myself being able to communicate for long periods of time without tiring out." The ability to communicate is the reason why I eliminated so many contenders for your matchup because those with the qualities you seek often suffer from a lack of communication. I'll revisit this at the end of the post to explain my thinking.

✦ And that's why I chose Karasu: I don't think he's the most excited or extroverted character in the roster, but I find him communicative enough to initiate conversations and seek out dialogue. Just as much as he knows when someone needs silence and peace. After all, he's good at analyzing people.

✦ "I'm an emotional person, but I tend to hide it in order to not be taken advantage of." Again, Karasu coded.

✦ "Even if I barely know the person, if I feel a connection or an urge to make them feel better, why not? This world already has too much misery, there's no need to add more to it." This statement makes me smile because I imagine this trait would be a source of great discomfort for Karasu, who I don't see as someone used to people caring about his well-being. In fact, this is a flaw that many characters in this manga share, and the fact that they all want to prove their worth through victory shows that most are trying to fill a void. But I digress.

✦ Someone pointed this out in a matchup, and it's true: the theme of loneliness is very present in Blue Lock. On a larger scale, and going a bit off-topic so I won't go further here, it's also a theme very present in Japan. So, it's only natural that it is reflected in the work of a mangaka.

✦ "I'm not proud to say this, but I give more than I receive, which makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or if the other person is sick of me, I need reassurance quite a bit if I were to be in a relationship." This is a common issue with MBTI types who have Extraverted Feeling (Fe) in their top two functions. For the INFJ, this function occupies the second place, the Auxiliary, which makes the INFJ highly focused on maintaining external harmony, even at the expense of their own feelings. And the fact that the INFJ is not very communicative about their true emotions doesn't help their situation, leading them to be exploited by others, as they'd rather remain silent than risk ruining the atmosphere by complaining.

✦ I think one of Karasu's love languages is words of affirmation. Since he spends most of his time taunting his opponents on the field and boasting about his abilities, his way of showing that he cares about someone is when he takes the time to reassure them about their skills, plain and simple. To me, a love language is a natural ability of someone, but turned toward a positive purpose.

✦ "Dealing with negative emotions and feelings is a bit hard for me. And more often than not, they come out bursting after bottling everything up in the form of tears." Oh my. I read this part after explaining the INFJ's workings earlier and: yes, it's a consequence of never saying anything. I honestly think that a behavior like this would catch Karasu off guard, and at the same time… well… he'd wonder what he did wrong to make you feel that way. Once he genuinely cares about you, he won't just stand idly by; he'll rethink every situation before the critical moment to understand the problem. Fortunately, the guy is more talkative and knows where to find you to start a conversation. In those moments, his voice is calm, and he doesn't have that mocking expression on his face at all. On the contrary, there's something very inviting in his tone that makes you feel comfortable opening up.

✦ Yes, I can totally see him being good at this and reserving those moments only for the person he loves.

✦ YOU.

✦ "I'm trying to work on processing and communicating my feelings, but when you're surrounded by a toxic environment, it's a bit hard. But I'm managing." I had the image of you retreating to your room, where Karasu simply joins you after knocking on the door. Honestly, he's even capable of waiting outside, sitting down and maybe falling asleep against the door, until you give a sign of life. It's okay if you're not ready to talk now. You'll talk later. And if you tell him, "I need to be alone," he'll leave and wait for you to come to him. It's really that simple, as long as you tell him.

✦ "I've been raised as an overachiever and tend to get lost to the point I neglect my health, so I need someone who can pull me out of such unending loops of forgetting that I'm a human with needs." I headcanon Karasu as a man with the financial means since we saw him well-dressed in public and interested in business and commerce. Even though the crow is goal-oriented, I can totally see him loving expensive vacations, luxury items, and fun trips, especially during the summer.

✦ "I feel guilty when I ask for help, like I'm not competent enough if I need guidance. I'm being helped with understanding this concept, but still." This is something many characters in this manga deal with, but not only; in real life, too. So, it will be a common topic of conversation between the two of you. You'll work on it together at your own pace since Karasu also struggles with this issue, so he understands even more how hard it is to "admit your vulnerabilities." After all, we only ask for help when it gets to that point, right? That's what he thinks, but over time, with patience and trust, you both learn that it's not about admitting your vulnerabilities. It's about accepting that others also have skills and can teach you things.

✦ "I'm a little hesitant about publishing them, so I printed them in a small number for my friends." You might think the ideal partner pushes you to publish your books because they're worth it, but I don't think that's true: the ideal partner accompanies you on your journey to build self-confidence, until YOU are the one who decides to publish your work. Which, in my opinion, could be yet another unexpected facet of Karasu that he only reveals to a select few people.

✦ "I'm into fantasy, cyberpunk, futuristic, action, and slice of life games." If Karasu played video games, it would have been mostly during his childhood, though I can also see him as a kid fascinated by observing nature. We see it a bit in the manga; in reality, many things fascinate him. A butterfly caught in a web, for example. I think this ties into his love of observing and understanding. I know some video games are about making choices, sometimes difficult ones. It makes you reflect, critique the world around you, a system, morality. These are things I’m sure would interest Karasu. In fact, anything that sheds light on human nature.

✦ So yes, it’s likely that if choices need to be made during a game, he’ll think it through with you, weighing the pros and cons. In the end, your debates are so intense that they pull you into the game as if it were the movie of your life.

✦ "I'm into anything that is connected with the stars and sky. So watching the stars above and relaxing on the roof is my ideal thought for a moment of relaxation. I've also been learning about constellations lately too." I'm sure there's a character in the roster who has this as their favorite activity (unless I'm confusing it with Isagi, who loves walks), but I can't remember who. So I'm going to give this trait to Karasu :) I think it makes sense with his interest in observing the environment, not just people but nature too. He really loves birds, and I'm sure he'd be the first to point to the sky when spotting a hawk. He knows the names of so many species that the man is a walking encyclopedia.

✦ Anything to do with night walks and endless late-night talks: he's your guy. And it’s going to sound weird, but I think his chara design really matches the night, doesn’t it?

✦ "Sports: running, yoga, and I know how to play football a bit." Well, of course, this was the little cherry on top. A footballer with a companion who loves his sport can only be thrilled. Some might prefer to find a new rival, but others, like Karasu, just enjoy making someone proud who understands the game he’s made his career.

✦ "I like being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely." A major flaw of our current screen-obsessed society! I think Karasu is good at being that silent presence in the room that makes you feel accompanied. The kind of person you can read with without needing to talk, just appreciating being in the same space. Classic quality time.

✦ … I'm reading your love languages, and OH MY GOD, I'm so happy I hit the nail on the head!!! You have exactly the love languages that suit Karasu, and he has exactly what you need!!!

✦ *erm*

✦ I headcanon Karasu as someone who’s very sensitive to positive remarks about who he is, more than about his football technique. Because his technique is directly tied to the arrogant image he’s built and wants to project; someone who truly understands his personality and fears, and compliments him on his qualities, really has the power to shake him in the best possible way.

✦ Now we get to the part about "traits I like in a person" and also the reason why I eliminated so many contenders lol.

✦ "I love ambitious and purposeful people who are set on their goals and burning for what they want." Honestly, Blue Lock is the best manga for this kind of search lol.

✦ But the rest…

✦ "If said person can make a joke, whether it's sarcasm or an unexpected pun- you have my heart." / "I tend to get along with traumatized people who are seeking salvation and reflection" / "I also find myself drifting more to people who can express themselves better than me in any aspect" / "Traits I absolutely hate in a person: liars and manipulators [...] And most of all, disloyalty" / "characters with too much stubbornness"...

✦ So the characters who had the skills you were looking for also had the flaws you didn’t like. And those who didn’t have those flaws were missing the qualities you sought.

✦ I did think of other characters, but as I said earlier, we’ll talk about them at the end of the post.

✦ Lastly, two appearance traits caught my attention:

✦ "a mole on the left side of my chin" Karasu has his under his left eye :)

✦ "I'm 157cm" -> 183cm for the crow, so hello to big cuddles.

✦ Now let's move on to the headcanons!

✦ Those moments when you’re both working from home, and you're starting to crack because of too much work; you go make yourself some tea in the kitchen and spot Karasu sitting on the couch in the living room, typing away on his laptop. You ask him what he's doing, and he gestures for you to come over; with your steaming cup in hand, you walk over and notice he’s on an airline’s website. The crow looks up at you and says, "I booked us tickets to the ski resort for this winter."

✦ He always double-checks that everything is packed and nothing’s been forgotten. He’s the one who drives, handles the logistics and organization so you can fully relax. He’s seen how hard you’ve been working this past month. Now it’s your turn to rest!

✦ When you arrive at the resort, you unload your stuff at the chalet. It's warm inside because, of course, he even thought to have the heating turned on an hour before your arrival.

✦ He tries out winter dishes with you. Honestly, he’s pretty good at it, and his favorites are the ones that need to simmer for a long time to be enjoyed.

✦ He’s brought along a few books you bought a while ago but never had time to read because of work. Now it’s time for long reading sessions with a good cup in hand, while gazing at the snowy scenery outside.

✦ Speaking of outside, you’ve chosen a few walking paths along the mountain to explore. With or without a guide; you're there to observe nature and the winter wildlife hidden in the white landscape. Sometimes a bird flies overhead, and Karasu always knows how to identify the species.

✦ Lots of couple photos.

✦ Matching ugly Christmas sweaters, but it’s a secret only you two know.

✦ It’s also your time to write and put your thoughts on paper. Sometimes you read a passage to Karasu before blushing because you're not sure why you did that. And it always makes him silently laugh because he knows it means you're getting more comfortable. He comments on the aspects of your writing that evoke analyses in him, the depth of your characters and the worlds you imagine. It’s actually a skill he doesn’t have—creating a whole world and integrating characters into it coherently. He mostly compares it to a football team thrown into an unknown world, and that comparison makes you laugh, genuinely.

✦ And it makes you think back to how you met.

He was probably the football player who caught your attention on the field among the 22 players.

Because there was something extra about him. You thought about it for a long time and decided there was something in his strategy, his way of always being in the right place at the best moment to block the opponent, something so formidable that it reminded you a little of a predator carefully positioning itself to surprise its prey at the perfect moment.

You know a bit about football, and you definitely know the rules, but you had never imagined an approach like Karasu’s. Because the guy made a good impression on you (anything that makes you think and that you take the time to understand is a good impression for you), you often returned to watch his games from the stands.

Without ever announcing yourself.

It happened one afternoon when you came to see him as usual. Some of his acquaintances had come to see him and sat a few seats away from you.

When halftime came, Karasu climbed the stairs, a towel draped around his sweat-soaked neck. At first, he raised his hand in a wave, and you honestly thought it was for you.

Nope: he climbed the steps and went over to join his friends, sitting right next to you. He talked with them, and although you didn’t understand everything because the excitement of seeing the player who fascinated you being so close was getting a little too much for your emotions, you still overheard what he thought of his performance:

"It wasn’t bad, but I could’ve positioned myself better. If it weren’t for number 9, I could’ve pulled off a feint."

And at that moment, you smiled before adding:

"Actually, even if number 9 hadn’t been there, you wouldn’t have gotten the ball because of number 11 tailing him."

Karasu immediately turned to look at you, mouth slightly open, not knowing what to say.

It was the truth, and none of the guys he was talking to had noticed it.

"… What else did you see?" He asked, one eyebrow raised, the other furrowed.

And that’s how it all started. A single detail you had noticed managed to capture the raven’s attention until the very end.

A word about your match: Honestly, I really enjoyed writing this matchup—the snow, the fireplace, Karasu with a scarf you knitted for him, sitting on the couch together with his arm slid down your back to your hip... Also, for the other contenders I thought about: Barou, but way too stubborn for you. Chigiri, I think with his quick wit and the trauma of his knee, could have made for a good combination, but there was something missing—something aggressive and positive to elevate your duo. Finally, I also considered the following bunch: Rin, Kaiser, Reo, Sae, but eliminated them all because one was too uncommunicative, another too manipulative, one too clingy, the other incapable of humor… So for me, Karasu is the best possible match for you.

© TIGREBLVNC 2024 | SEPTEMBER ‘24 MATCHUPS EDITION.

[statementlou]

i’m sorry to bring this up again, but i wanted to ask how are you making sense of harry having his former girlfriend’s name tattooed on his thigh if you don’t think they were really together? i’m not a larrie and i follow you for your louis content, but i respect your opinions, so i guess i’m coming more from a place of curiosity rather than seeking reassurance. do you not even entertain for one second the idea that you might’ve been wrong about things? that harry was really in a relationship with olivia? that he might actually be attracted to women? that he might’ve been with louis once upon a time but not anymore? have you ever challenged your confirmation bias? again, i’m not trying to attack you, i really just want to understand where you stand. i hope u don’t take this the wrong way.

well first of all you bring up the very good point that there are actually multiple Qs at play and not just one, despite the fandom's (and my) attempts to simplify things. I personally am open to the possibility that Harry and Louis are no longer together- we don't have enough info to say for sure either way about that, and I am constantly recalibrating and considering and I'm going to be totally honest, getting flat out ANNOYED at how often I find myself being like oh damn they ARE still (or again) together ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Because it seems so improbable and illogical! You think I don't KNOW I sound fucking crazy?! Absolutely infuriating, and yet there are just all these little Things all the time. Plus ofc the fact that they both constantly wink wink larrie stuff to the fandom which could just be playing to the crowd... except then they both continually take it that little extra way that makes me go oh but... you really didn't NEED to go THERE that seems VERY pointed?? But also sometimes I go well. Okay, maybe not. Since they both seem super happy at this point, it doesn't stress me out to think they might have split, the way it would if they seemed miserable and were still churning out heartbreak songs, but it's schrodingers relationship and with all the savvy they've acquired around this stuff and all the balls they're keeping in the air wrt to fandom etc that's unlikely to change in favor of us knowing anything for sure for a very long time, if ever. But I do not doubt that they WERE together, it's simply not realistic. The evidence of it is overwhelming and imo undeniable when taken all together. And the thing is that knowing one thing with certainty (that they were together back when), having really looked at the things that happened during that time, does actually have a lot of bearing on the rest of it even if they aren't together anymore. Because knowing that and having seen the way fake relationships to make them seem straight were managed back then means that when I see the EXACT SAME things being done in the current day, like they are working from a fucking blueprint, no, I don't look at that and think it might be real. I know that Louis and Eleanor wasn't real in... whenever they allegedly got together lol, that story still isn't even quite straight, so why would I believe they were together in 2020? And if I know Louis has a tattoo for a fake girlfriend why would it change my mind about a million things I can see with my own eyes if Harry did the same (if indeed he even has who tf knows)? So despite what I said at the beginning, in the end it kind of does just come down to the one question people are always asking, are you a larrie? Because when you've actually been down the rabbit hole of details that ends up with you saying yes to that question, it's like acquiring a rosetta stone that unlocks the ability to read everything else, like putting on xray glasses, and I look at what is so obviously a publicity relationship (holivia) and whether H and L are still together has nothing to do with why I don't think it's real. Like could a celeb relationship be both used in typical ways for publicity and be or become real on some level (looking at you Liam, heyyy), sure, but for this question the fact that I have never seen Harry show the slightest sign of attraction to a woman in his whole life and he so clearly embraces and identifies so strongly with gay male culture in every possible way and never shuts up about how much he loves cock does play into my thinking; I simply do not think he is attracted to women, no, and I have yet to see him do anything that doesn't seem consistent with things a closeted pop star might chose to do. So in conclusion yes I have challenged my bias and decided I'm right lol! But for real- all the time I consider that they perhaps aren't together but that isn't really the point when it comes to believing they are gay.

[heleentje]

Revalink week day 5: Paraglider

A day late, but I'm glad I got this out!

In loving memory of that time I started a new save of botw, got to the cryonis shrine, and killed myself by jumping down because I'd forgotten I didn't have the paraglider yet.

The hill felt perfect, though for what exactly, Link couldn’t tell. It is meager consolation: when no reassuring tug jolts his shoulders to break the plummeting sensation of freefall, he realizes just how badly his memory has failed him again.

Ah.

Later, when he’s gingerly prodding at his bruised ribs and the scrapes his tumble earned him, he gives it some thought. What exactly made him think jumping was safe?

Really, the answer is obvious.

The paraglider in the old man’s hands had filled Link with a profound sense of wrongness. It was ill-suited to the man’s size, the delicate frame looking like it should break under the weight. More than that, Link had taken one look at it and known he’d wanted it, more fiercely than anything he’d wanted in his half day of memories. But even that fierce longing doesn’t explain his sudden recklessness. It doesn’t explain the vivid sense-memory he gets whenever he looks at the nearby hills and the far-off mountains, the tug of desire to make it to the highest peaks only to feel the rush of descent again.

It must have been his, then. He wants it back.

The thought of having it in his possession again spurs him on. He fights his way past the monsters with skills only half-remembered and climbs to the top of the icy mountains to reach the last of the shrines the old man indicated. When he emerges again, the power of a new rune in the Sheikah Slate, the old man appears with the paraglider and more empty promises in hand. He thinks of taking it by force, and only barely quells the urge. Then he thinks of jumping down the mountain again, and somehow that urge is even harder to fight.

When he finally has it in hand again, after a trek to the very top of the temple, he finds that he cannot even enjoy it. The revelations of the old man — of the king — weigh him down. The castle in the distance is no longer an abstract danger he planned to avoid, but the embodiment of his own failure. How is he supposed to succeed on his own where an entire army failed in the past?

At least the feeling of flight, of the wind rushing past his face, is enough to distract from it for a moment until inevitably, his feet touch the ground outside the Great Plateau. That night, when he has reached the first stable on his journey and has learned not to flinch whenever people’s voices get too loud, he takes out the paraglider again. The wood has been treated by an expert hand; the cloth has been made so well that neither rain nor heat affect it. Still, it is not new: time has had its effect on the paraglider as well. He begs needle and thread off another traveler and finds that his hands remember the action of darning.

He does not remember the symbol woven into the cloth.

“Looks like something from the Rito,” says the innkeeper. “There’s this Rito bard who comes around every so often. If you stick around, I’m sure you can catch him.”

Bird people, something in Link’s deeply buried memories says. It would make sense, for them to be the ones to create a way for a Hylian to fly. Up on the Great Plateau, he had seen the menacing shape of a giant bird circling the western reaches of Hyrule. His feet wish to take him there. But he has to continue his journey towards Kakariko Village. So he does not wait for the elusive Rito bard, but instead takes the path further north from the stable.

Lady Impa’s words at least give him an excuse to seek out the Rito. They also give him a name.

Champion Revali of the Rito. The words stir little within him, but they sound as if they should. He fought side by side with the Champions. So was the Rito Champion a friend of his, someone who would give him the tools to take to the sky?

It takes days and days before he can even find out. The plains of Central Hyrule are treacherous and leave him no chance to use the paraglider; the eternal thunderstorm above the Thundra Plateau makes flight a hazard. Even the mountains of Tabantha, so inviting from afar, are buffeted by harsh winds that would crush him against the cliffside given the chance.

But at least he gets there in the end.

Rito Village would be idyllic if it weren’t menaced by the Divine Beast Link spotted all the way back on the Great Plateau. No memory comes to him as he enters the village either, but that’s okay, because near the top of the spiralling staircase, he finally finds what he was looking for, in chipped paint on wood: the same symbol woven into the cloth of his paraglider.

Revali’s Landing.

This must be it, he thinks, elation making him light-headed. And then his memories finally catch up to him and crush his delusions to dust.

If Champion Revali was an ally of his, it was only in the most technical of senses. The Champion saw no worth within him, felt no desire to take to the sky and fight side by side with him. The trail he’s been chasing for so long is a dead end. Champion Revali could never have been the one to give him the paraglider.

He sits down heavily, hands clutching the cloth of the paraglider. Whoever gave it to him must have seen some worth within him regardless. But Rito history is short and fleeting. Their name, and who they were to Link, are long lost to time. All he has of them is this one gift and the freedom it has afforded him.

[alarrytale]

I’ve been wondering for the longest time why we don’t all ignore bbg also. It would be best for everyone in this scenario so I really like that suggestion of yours. Anons run to blogs right away gossiping about it like it’s news worthy every single time, which just feeds into this cycle. We all know we’ll keep getting pictures/videos of F and gifts for him. I still don’t get why people following the sisters or F’s real parents on social media to get these pictures either. Because many times that’s where these things come from. When he gets things on stage often we don’t know it’s for F til someone (usually that dreadful UA) posts it. And then of course it spreads. At least by ignoring this, it creates less conflict in the fandom and does the opposite of their goal. It will end when it ends and we have zero control over it anyway so why act surprised each time something happens. We don’t know all the behind the scenes intricacies of bbg and I can’t even guess how it’s all handled. But, If we as fans are tired of it, imagine how H & L feel. L barely acknowledged it yesterday. He looked just happy to kick the one ball around, that was for him specifically.

Hi, anon!

I think ignoring it is a good idea, i'm happy to, but some of my anons deals better with it if they're allowed to vent and talk about their frustrations. Some anons, mostly newer fans are also more insecure about it and seek validation or reassurance. I don't want to leave them hanging. Ignoring it works for some and not for others. It's hard to know what asks i should answer or not to not give attention to something that shouldn't get attention, while also trying to assure my anons.

I do agree that running to blogs with gossip feeds the cycle, so i think the things we can expect by now like Daisy posting F and L getting gifts for F is something we can ignore from now on. There is a pattern too it and it's old news.

[shadowsageingempress]

Hey it's me with Midlink for the ask game hehe. Surprise surprise

1, 2, 3, 7, 11, 12, 15, 17, 19 and 20? Please PLEASE feel free to skip some if you want, I know it's overkill and I'm not even sure if we did this ask game already oops

No need to apologize, I like getting long asks like this. Especially because I have a lot of feelings about these two.

1. I'm pretty sure that I started shipping them even before I started actually playing the Twilight Princess, which was probably around 2011 or 2012. Time sure flies.

2. I love a lot about both of them, but if I had to say just one thing, it's that they're both genuinely good people. It's more obvious with Twi, but you can see it with Midna as well. Sure, she may initially come off as snide or even cruel, it becomes clear over time that this attitude is just a mask, and one that hides a heart purer than gold.

3. I find it really interesting that despite them being so different (literally from different worlds), they still get along so well and care about each other so much.

7. They try to have an even split in their work and chores, ranging from keeping their homes organized to ruling over the two realms. Although they may pretend to complain about their assigned workload being too much, they're fine with what they're given.

11. Given everything that happened both before and during their travels together, Twi and Midna very frequently seek comfort from each other. When this happens, they will hold each other close, often in a way where one can hear the other's heartbeat, and will give plenty of soft kisses and reassuring whispers.

12. Honestly, nothing comes to mind that I don't like about this pairing. They're generally perfect for each other.

15. There was most definitely a bit of hesitancy from people close to them (from both sides). However, people are usually a lot more accepting of their relationship after hearing about what they've been through together. And by the time their first son was born, the animosity had all but faded.

17. I don't think there's a single part of Midna's appearance that Twi wouldn't love, even in her imp form. Her hair is beautiful, her chubby belly is adorable, and her smile warms his heart. Not to mention that he also likes her hips and thighs. If he had to pick a favorite physical trait, he'd probably say her chest. Partly because of the obvious, but also because that's where her heart is.

As for Midna, she loves both of Twi's forms. But her favorite thing about them is one thing that remains the same between them: his eyes. Partly because she'd never seen blue eyes before, but also because when she looks into his eyes, she can see exactly what he's feeling. And most of the time when she does, she sees nothing but pure love.

19. Twi is especially sensitive to scritches and tickling around his abdomen, behind his ears and below his chin. He only really got these after he got the ability to turn into a wolf, and still has these sensitivities in his human form.

Midna, meanwhile, is very sensitive around her belly. But on a bit of a darker note, ever since the confrontation with Zant at the spirit spring, having her hair grabbed and pulled back will make her panic.

20. Despite what one may initially think, Midna is usually the more submissive partner. She has no issue in taking a more dominant role, but she's typically more than happy to let Twi take the reins, so to speak. And Twi is always happy to please her, even if he does have to be a bit careful at times due to the size difference.

[embracesufferdestroy]

This is my blog where I will be chronicling my DID self exploration.

When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. I was "too young" to be diagnosed with anything "serious". The therapist's approach did not really help.

Now as an adult I'm questioning whether or not i have DID, or something related. I know the best way is to go through a therapist, but I am deeply traumatized and untrusting of the psychiatric industry due to my experience within it as a former psych ward patient. I also can't afford it.

I can't decide exactly how I'm going to use this blog. Probably as a journal mostly, and to seek out connections so I can get some answers for how I'm feeling. I block very liberally, although this is a public blog, it does feel like somewhat of a private place.

I am so fresh in this community so I won't do DID "discourse", I'm not even really familiar with most of the terminology I see used. I am trying to learn.

Suspected Alters Below 👇

As of this day (6/4/24) I am feeling as though I have at least four alters within me, and I guess I'm the host.

One I suspect is a little girl, whose name I think is Alice, or I would like to think it's Alice. I believe she is the trauma holder, maybe a persecutor. She is nonverbal, and she likes her alone time, and is very very independent and skeptical of most people. I don't think she has fronted in quite a few years.

One is an older man, who is tough, confident, and relaxed. He makes me talk to myself (?) when I cannot cope and enter "autopilot mode". He is very reassuring and tries to help me through tough, anxiety filled moments. He often talks to me aloud in the second person (You) and refers to us as We. He is very casual and nonserious.

(I believe the older man also steps in whenever we are on the verge of crying or significant distress to poke fun at the situation in a light hearted way. He's really as cool as a cucumber and often disarms significant emotional situations with humor.)

Me, I am the host. I have a lot of trouble sorting myself out and I feel pretty inconsistent. I think that may be a sign of more personalities. I have been quite awful about stifling my personalities and shoving them down, and it hasn't helped me one bit. I am quite rough around the edges to be quite honest, a bit of a nervous and antisocial wreck. I have trouble socializing or trusting most people, and most people in my life recognize me as a "hermit" lol. Despite being the host I do feel sometimes like I'm the "backseat driver". Usually conscious and aware but never in control

One is an old man, maybe 60s, named Dr. Schefold. "Doctor" in the sense that he has a doctorate, not that he is a literal medical doctor. He approaches the world with the bright curiosity of a child. He has a passion for education, not just teaching but learning as well. He loves everything from archaeology to writing to children. He is very verbose and often steps in when the rest of us are too choked up to talk. I think he has been fronting for the better part of a few years, it feels almost as if he is me. He's nice but I don't know if I really like this

I suspect there's another alter similar to Gambit. I grew up watching the old X-Men animated series from 1992 & the new show ignited some feelings of familiarity. I hesitate to say "I have an alter that is Gambit", he just feels similar to Gambit. Dassit

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW for mentioning sexual assault and stalking. Seeking advice and reassurance. You can tag me as Gen.

I used to participate in an expensive hobby that helped me meet lots of people at the time. I stopped in 2019 and don't stay in touch with anyone I used to know back then. I have some awesome memories related to the hobby but also some terrible ones and the main reason I stopped was because of stalking. The people who have sexually assaulted me were ones who I met through the hobby. And unfortunately, reporting the incidents didn't grant me any protection.

I have been thinking about it again and wondering if I should sell the things I have related to the hobby since like I said it was an expensive one. But sometimes I wonder if I'll get back into again and then feel sad about having sold my stuff. I've taken breaks from the hobby before back when I was still a student and was too busy with school sometimes but always got back into doing it. I also regret having participated in the hobby sometimes because of all the time and money I wasted, plus the stalkers and abusers I met. There are some things I can never get back. I had to stop using my old phone number, social media accounts, etc. and I don't have any friends irl anymore. Even if I sell my items that doesn't make up for money I wasted on other things related to the hobby like travel expenses and hotels. And I can't un-traumatize myself or un-meet the crappy people I met.

I also feel like maybe I'm getting too old for the hobby because it seems like it's mostly popular with younger people (I myself started at around 12) and I'm in my 30s now. It's not a matter of "Do what you love at whatever age you want and don't care about being judged" but more just the fact that a crowd where the majority of people are kids half my age and younger means it's extremely hard to find people my age to meet and become friends with. So I've been considering moving on but I have a lot of mixed feelings since like I said I've never quit before, just taken breaks, but since it's been 5 years maybe this time it can be permanent. What things should I consider and what advice do you have?

Hi Gen,

I won't tell you what to do but I can help describe your options and hopefully that can clarify the decision you want to make.

If you choose to stop participating in this hobby, you may get a decent amount of money in selling your hobby-related belongings. You might feel a sense of closure in no longer being exposed to triggers as often and might feel as though you've closed a difficult chapter. You won't have to deal with the awkwardness of the age differences in those who partake in this hobby. You might also be saving a decent amount of money that would've otherwise been spent on travel and lodging. However, you may feel a sense of longing for the positive aspects of this hobby, although this could be an urge you could substitute for a new hobby. You're right that you can't change the past, but you can write your future.

If you continue with this hobby, you might continue to have a complicated relationship with it, both in terms of the age differences of you versus the majority of those who engage in this hobby, and in terms of frequently encountering triggers. You may become compelled to spend more money traveling and staying in hotels, or perhaps even buy whatever newest equipment comes along with this hobby, which isn't financially wise. You may also have fear when interacting with others.

The choice is ultimately yours to make. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[redwineconversation]

ASSE - Olympique Lyonnais OLPlay Postgame Interviews

To the person who is going around on the LChat insisting that I post there to the point I AM GETTING ASKS ABOUT IT: get off my dick and GO FUCK YOURSELF. I have never and will never post on that godforsaken website. It pisses me off so much that it got to the point where I am getting people messaging me about it. What the actual FUCK is wrong with you you paranoid schizophrenic freak???? What kind of obsessive spiral are you on????? Seek medical help ASAP and leave me both the hell alone and the hell out of your deep and sincere mental trauma.

With that being said, here are the postgame interviews. Idk why I am translating this if some deranged lunatic who is in desperate need of being locked up will just accuse me of posting on that fucking awful website. If their intention is to stop the translations then they are definitely on their way to succeeding.

Standard disclaimers apply.

ASSE - OLYMPIQUE LYONNAIS OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEWS

ALICE SOMBATH OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEW

Journalist: It's good, you're smiling. The defensive line scored: Griedge [MBock], Wendie [Renard] for example. That must be reassuring for the upcoming clash [against PSG].

Sombath: Yeah, it's always reassuring to know that any player can score, especially the defenders. So we hope to have more players in defense who can score [@ Carpenter]. So we'll continue like that.

Journalist: Last question. PSG is next week. Does this game serve a little bit as preparation?

Sombath: In any case, every game that we have done are always good in terms of preparation, especially for games like the semifinal against Paris [Saint-Germain]. Then as I said, we will continue to prepare in the upcoming days so we will be properly prepared for that game.

Journalist: Thank you, Alice. Have a good evening.

Sombath: Have a good evening.

VICKI BECHO OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEW

Journalist: Vicki, first of all congratulations on your hat trick. The team took this game seriously tonight. It's always important to win these derbies.

Becho: Yeah, honestly, for me it's my first derby. It was important for us to play a complete game, that we score, that we find our rhythm again because after returning from the international break it's never easy. But we did it tonight and I'm happy for the team.

Journalist: And what a game from you tonight. You played an incredible game and you scored three goals. Tell me a little about how you experienced this derby. I believe it was your first one, in the big stadium no less.

Becho: That's right, my first derby and honestly, yeah, I didn't think too much. I'm feeling good at the moment. So yeah you have to continue like that. When you're full of confidence it's a lot easier. When you take a shot, it goes in. You're more successful. So yeah, I'm really happy with my performances at the moment. And the most important thing is to continue like that.

Journalist: The young one is full of humility. [This was not said sarcastically] And one last question. Before the game against PSG, well you're scoring a lot of goals. I imagine that's important for your confidence.

Becho: Of course, it's important for my confidence. Today there were quite a few players who scored. So we're happy. Also we created a lot, we had two or three penalties. So those are things to keep in mind and we'll continue like that. We'll take away what we did good, what we can improve on so we can properly prepare for the game against Paris Saint-Germain.

Journalist: And for you, what was good and what can still be improved on? Last question, this time I mean it.

Becho: I think we created a lot of opportunities, really quite a few chances. After, we weren't often put under pressure but the only time when we were put under pressure, there was some confusion and we conceded a goal. So we need to fix those things and yeah. We need to continue like that. We have to create chances, we have to create chances. There were a lot of chances, so there were a lot of goals.

Journalist: You're leaving with the game ball I hope.

Becho: Yeah, that's it. We had to negotiate a little with the referees but I am leaving with the game ball.

Journalist: Have a good evening.

Becho: Thank you, you too,

SONIA BOMPASTOR OLPLAY POSTGAME INTERVIEW

[Bompastor sounds super sick in this interview]

Journalist: Sonia, a serious game from your team this evening. It's always important to win these derbies.

Bompastor: Yes, yes, we wanted to continue our good streak in the league even if the first place is guaranteed. We wanted to use this game as a good preparation game ahead of the upcoming matches. There's a big clash as soon as next week where we are playing Paris [Saint-Germain]. They're a really good team, we know it's going to be a completely different game, very difficult. But we've prepared well and we will arrive full of confidence and serenity [I will be neither confident nor serene].

Journalist: We created a lot of chances tonight. The team was very efficient, they scored a lot of goals despite that goal they conceded. As you said, it's a good preparation game nonetheless before Paris [Saint-Germain].

Bompastor: Yes, yes. There's a lot to be satisfied about, a lot of things which worked well tonight. Those are things we will need to build on ahead of the games coming up towards the end of the season. In any case for the game itself it really fell in line with our expectations both for individual players and as a team. There were no injuries. We're preparing ourselves in the best conditions.

Journalist: And you have a lot of players scoring, that's good for what's coming up.

Bompastor: Yes, as I was saying, individually you have Vicki [Becho] who scores a hat trick, so she is continuing build off her good performances. We also saw a lot of players stand out in a positive way. So it helped the confidence of the individual players but also the team as a whole.

Journalist: Thank you, Sonia. Good game. Good derby.

Bompastor: Thank you.

[hiraya-rawr]

When you're on your period

synopsis !! them on your blood week

note 01 !! writing this half drunk? ish will edits later

note 02 !! I tried editing it a bit but turns out, half drunk me can actually write pretty well!

characters !! diluc, kaeya, childe, zhongli, thoma

cw !! stereotypical period talk, afab reader

Diluc

Despite growing up in an all male household, I'm pretty sure Adeline and the other maids force fed him all he needed to know about how to treat a lady right on her period.

Not to be stereotypical, but he knows better than to be a spoiled brat around his childhood nannies when they were on their red weeks. That would've earned him an ear pinch and Crepus would've sided with the maids as well.

At least their efforts paid in full. Now they have the perfect gentleman and ideal bachelor for a master, except that he's a little antisocial...

Luckily, he somehow got you! Now he's in the early stages of your relationship and you're experiencing a particularly terrible period day.

We all know he's a walking heater. Just grab his big hand and place it over your abdomen! Voila! A heating pad.

It would be cute if you do it randomly too, like out in the day or in the tavern when your cramps hit and you just need a hot compress. He'll get a little flustered and confused until he realizes 'oh. i should activate my pyro.'

"Can I... take my hand back now? I have a bartending shift..."

"No."

Overall, man is happy to be a pyro allogene if it proves to be useful for you. Pyro can be so destructive, but for you to seek its comfort is so <3

On the occasion that he is clueless, though, he'd rush to Adeline for some advice, only to be crowded around by maids bombarding him with information on how to treat you.

Just imagine Diluc sitting in the kitchen surrounded by young maids and he's trying to mentally list everything but archons, they're lowkey intimidating him like a kid cornered by bullies — what are pad sizes and how is he supposed to know whether you need cold food or hot food?

Couldn't decide on a chocolate you like so he buys off two of every flavor.

Same goes with every other craving you have. If you so look at something, he buys it to appease you.

Kaeya

Like Diluc, he grew up being taught by the maids but as an adult, he has a more hands-on experience with people on their red days.

Most of his acquaintances in the knights order are women after all; Jean, Lisa, Amber, Eula... He's learned to help them through their bad days, even filling in their roles when the cramps get too much!

Despite that, I think his most reliable rule when dealing with periods would be to let you rest. Maybe because it's what he tells the knights under him whenever they ask to be excused.

"Oh? Dysmenorrhea? Head to the infirmary for some rest, you're excused for the day."

He'll buy you take out after a long day though! It'll be your favorite too.

He also likes slipping in bed to cuddle, hands gentle massaging any sore muscles with a gentle cool temperature.

If you're experiencing mood swings, he's the type to go along with you.

Oh? You're crying because... the cake he brought you is too cute? Alright... Kaeya understands. He nods along and agrees with you.

Childe

To my knowledge, he's the middle child with two sisters so he definitely knows what he's doing. Although he isn't home as often, his mama taught him well!

Like Kaeya, he probably also has his fair share of agents excusing themselves over their period or cramps.

Unlike Kaeya though, he doesn't rely on "go and rest" as the ultimatum. Childe treats you more like a child on your period, coddling uou and making sure you can handle yourself.

You have to reassure him that you're not exactly a sick kid 🤨 like... you can feed yourself. it's fine.

Probably tries to entertain you, "You can play with this toy while waiting for dinner. Or would you like to read a book instead?"

"Childe... I'm on my period, not regressing."

Childe would be the type to cook a great meal from scratch, most of it being sick people food like chicken soup (again, treating you like a little sibling).

Just allow yourself to be coddled like a child, being a big brother figure is his expertise I guess.

Zhongli

Honestly one of the best in dealing with you on your period. From your mood swings to your cramps, he's got it all covered.

Uses his excellent memory to predict your next period better than you can. Sometimes, you get surprised he's showing up with chocolates or a hot meal not knowing it's almost your period already.

Knows all the best tea and can personally make dysmenorrhea medicine from scratch. He has this little herb garden for you too!

He's amazing but modern period practices are kind of lost on him. Please, Liyue has come so far when it comes to personal care, back then, people used clean rags.

There are pad sizes and weights now? Cottony soft? Wings? Dry pads? Disposables? He's a little worried and tries to choose the safest option to his best knowledge.

Probably asks the store clerk or a nearby lady just to be sure he's got the right one for you.

Period shopping isn't his forte, but once he's got the grasp of it, expect him to show up every start of your period with everything you need! (paid by someone else, of course)

He has the tendency to treat you like a sick child as well. Maybe because of how fragile and weak mortals seem to him.

Thoma

He's an amazing housekeeper and caretaker, but he probably doesn't have a lot of personal experience dealing with periods.

I can imagine him learning to deal with Ayaka's red days first. There are usually maids for that, but sometimes the responsibility falls on him as a dear friend!

Back then, Thoma wasn't as aware but when people started welcoming him more as a foreigner, I can definitely see the other houseworkers talking kitchen gossip with him about their periods. He's just so polite and understanding about the topic, their gossip turns to advice giving when he genuinely asks for tips!

Like Diluc, he's your portable hot compress. Just grab his hand on a particularly bad day to feel warmth!

Also like Diluc, he gets crowded by the housewives and young maids telling him everything he needs to know if he ever asks for help.

Rather than caring for you though, I think he just continues to act like a house maid.

Especially if he's in your house; he'll cook and clean for you even though you're reminding him that it's just a bad cramp day.

Thoma cooks for you. I think this one's obvious.

navigation

as someone who gets rly bad cramps, I may or may not make a more comprehensive fic about them caring for particularly bad dysmenorrhea

[sheetsonfire]

I'm With You

Fandom: Chicago PD

Pairing: Antonio Dawson x Reader

Genre: Drama, angst, hurt/comfort

Warnings: cancer scare, anxiety, illness

Word Count: 2104

Requested By Anon: Hello lovely!! I'm not sure if your requests are open so if they're not i'm so sorry, just ignore this.

I also don't know if you're up to do heavier topics like this but could you maybe write something where reader (female) notice a little lump on the side of her boob and obviously gets scared thinking the worst so she has a break down and Antonio Dawson finds her crying and when she tells him he does gets scare too but tries to be strong for her. They go to the doctor together and it turns out to be nothing. So a fluffy sweet ending

This happened to me not long ago, and everything is fine now but i wish i had someone to tell me everything was going to be okay when it happened so... That's why it's a bit too specific my request😅 thank you ❤️

A/N: Please please be aware that this deals with a very sensitive topic, I did my best to do it justice. Please read with caution.

-

You were supposed to be using your day off to rest and reset your body and mind, yet all it had culminated in was you sitting on the couch staring into space. A thousand thoughts and scenarios flittered in your mind, how would Antonio react? What if you couldn’t afford treatment, what if treatment wasn’t even an option? You didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, and you had so much left you wanted to do, your life with Antonio had only just begun. The anxiety was almost suffocating, constricting in your chest as you thought about ‘it’ sitting inside you, just to the side of your breast, somewhat tender and most definitely a lump.

They always tell you to never self-diagnose, to not use the internet to determine your ailment, to not read the threads upon threads of missed or delayed diagnoses, to not think the worst but to seek medical help immediately. Yet, you still got caught in the trap, you had felt the lump during your shower this morning, and now you can only think of that one word. Cancer. That evil, dreaded, word and all the hurt that it can bring with it. You were terrified to be examined, to see the morose look on the doctor’s face when they have to tell you that is in fact that C-word, that grim reaper that lingers too often and too long in people’s lives.

Somewhere a quiet voice tries to offer the reassurance that the lump can, more often than not, be benign. Yet, the louder gremlin on your shoulder throws out words of sickness and suffering, and you feel the tears hot and heavy as they well up in your eyes. Too present and too much to hide as you hear the key in the front door and Antonio stepping into the apartment.

“Princesa, it’s me,” Antonio calls, not having noticed you curled up on the couch around the corner from the door. You can’t even pretend to be caught up in something as the sobs escape you, instantly alerting Antonio to your very distressed state, he steps faster into the living area, dropping his bag beside the couch as he comes to kneel in front of you.��

His hands are warm and tender on your thighs, resting there as he tries to look at your bowed-down face. “Hey, what’s going on, what’s wrong?”

“I-...I-...” The emotions are too strong, only your staccato’d cry fills the air as you sink into Antonio’s embrace on the floor next to the couch.

“Shh, cariña, it’s alright. Whatever it is, I’m here.” His arms wrap around you, half pulling you into his lap as he holds you, whispering comforting words as he coaxes you to tell him what’s wrong. Soft lips find your damp cheeks as he strokes through your hair, the scent of him is grounding. You feel your breathing slow along with your racing heart, still skittering but not on the verge of imploding as it had felt a moment ago.

As you start to calm down, you pull back to look at Antonio’s worried face, you smile weakly and sniff away the last of your tears. 

“Y/N?” He asks again softly, tilting your chin so you stay looking at him.

You take a deep breath, shuddering as you fight to keep your emotions in check this time.

“Um, I-, I found a lump on the side of my boob this morning.”

Your voice is quiet, not sure what else to say, a slight embarrassment ripples through as though somehow it shouldn’t be anything to worry about. Yet, Antonio’s face of concern oddly reassures you that you hadn’t overreacted.

Your boyfriend swallows, trying to not let his eyes betray the rising tendrils of panic inside him. He knew that it could be something but it could also be nothing, and given your deep concern already he didn’t need to feed into it. Instead, he corralled his mind into an almost professional mindset in order to help you properly.  “Oh, mi amor…” He murmurs, cupping your cheek tenderly, thumb soothing over the damp, heated, skin from your tears. “Hey, it’s scary, I hear that… But if you’re ready, we can make an appointment and get it checked out, then we know one way or the other what we’re looking at.”

You feel yourself tremble, lip wobbling again. You could see just how ready Antonio was to take care of this, yet it was just so terrifying now that you had psyched yourself out. 

“I’m not gonna leave your side, mi vida. You gotta know that whether good or bad, we go into this together and we come out the other side, alright?”

You search for composure, taking another deep breath as Antonio rubs your back. 

“Okay, yeah, okay… Thank you, Toni, seriously.” 

“It’s nothing to thank me for, you’re my girl,” He smiles, pressing a kiss to your forehead, you close your eyes and focus on his touch, wrapping your arms around him as you rest your head on his shoulder. He lets you take the time you need.

You don’t know how long you sit like that, drifting in a haze of surreal anticipation, you relish the presence of the man you adore, knowing that if nothing else he’s here with you. 

“I love you.” You mumble into his shoulder, squeezing him a little. 

He laughs softly, humming, “I love you too.” 

You sigh, slowly extricating yourself from Antonio’s embrace as you shimmy off his lap, ready to stand up and stretch out the tension. “Okay, let’s rip this bandaid off. Time to call my doctor’s office…” 

He nods, taking your hand as you help him up off the floor. You sink down into the couch, reaching for your cellphone as you search the contacts, feeling Antonio sit beside you and wrap an arm around your shoulder, fingers lightly stroking over your arm.

-

The call to the doctor’s office was both productive and an anticipatory nightmare, the receptionist was kind and reassuring as they booked your appointment into the system. Yet, the problem was it wasn’t until the morning, and you weren’t sure how you would handle the long night’s wait.

Toni tried to keep things relaxed for you, finding one of your favourite movies and getting you takeout from the Greek place you loved, yet he could feel your perfectly valid distracted posture. You just couldn’t keep still and you kept disappearing to the bathroom, after the third visit Antonio realised you were repeatedly checking the lump to examine it, prod it and look for any rapid change. To which there was none, only the slight tenderness remained. 

In bed, you pillowed yourself on Toni’s chest, an arm slung over him as you tried to focus on the thuds of his heartbeat, his fingers danced up and down your back in soothing tracks, occasionally you would feel lips press against the top of your head with reassuring kisses until eventually, Toni heard your breaths get deeper and slower, you had managed to find sleep. 

Now, he lay there himself, holding you close as he thought about the appointment that came ever closer. He felt his own adrenaline simmer in his stomach, he very well knew that it could be nothing at all except a harmless spot of fatty tissue, and yet… He couldn’t keep the dread from rearing its ugly head from time to time.

He didn’t want to feed into your worry, but he found himself saying a few prayers as he chased his own sleep, wanting desperately for you to be okay and for the news tomorrow to be the most positive it could be.

-

The next morning had nervous energy surrounding you like thick smog, and as much as Antonio tried to put forward a confident and reassuring air, you could tell he was worried too. The way he would keep in gentle contact with you, the reassuring glances and checking to see how you were doing - it all felt too real suddenly, the chance that your life could change by the morning was over was surreal. Yet, you were still so very grateful for him by your side, you didn’t want anybody else. 

Waiting in the doctor’s office was the worst part, surrounded by sick and worried faces, the drab colours only compounding the sense of a dreary, bleak, outlook for your future. It was hard to shake the negativity once you were in the purgatory of wait.

A call of your name snaps you out of your reverie, springing to your feet as Antonio follows, a reassuring palm on your lower back as you usher into the office, following your doctor’s footsteps. 

“So, Miss Y/L/N… I understand you’ve got some concerns about a lump on your breast, is that correct?” 

You freeze for a moment, the words stuck in your throat as you are all too aware that once you go looking for the answer, there’s no return. 

“Uh, yes. I found it yesterday morning in the shower. It doesn’t hurt really, just tender.”

The doctor nods, smiling reassuringly as you appear to look a little queasy. 

“Okay, so what we’re going to do is, if you’re comfortable and ready, I am going to give you some privacy behind that curtain over there, you’re going to take your shirt and bra off for me, and I will examine your breasts for any other abnormalities, causes for concern, anything that’s amiss… and then we’ll go from there, is that okay? Would you like a chaperone for the procedure?” 

Antonio stays quiet beside you, but you feel his hand on your knee, squeezing reassuringly. You turn to him, silently asking the question. He nods, thumb rubbing over your leg. 

“Is it alright if my partner comes with me?” You ask, voice quiet, feeling a little self-conscious. 

The doctor’s face is kind, nodding in affirmative, she stands to gesture both you and Antonio towards the curtain. “Of course, not a problem. I’ll give you a few minutes to get comfortable, and then I’ll be over to begin.” 

“Okay”, you reply softly, eventually finding it within you to approach the examination area. Antonio pulls the curtain round for you as you hand him your clothing to hold, your heart hammering in your chest.

“It’s gonna be alright, mi amor. I’m right here.” Antonio is tender, giving you a quick kiss as you call out to the doctor that you’re ready.

-

And it was alright, a few days after the physical exam, the scans, the blood tests… the results given to you over the phone from your doctor were overwhelmingly reassuring. There was nothing to be found that was cause for concern or immediate action. The lump on your breast was considered a fibroadenoma, a benign cyst that should clear up over time. If it didn’t reduce in size or got bigger, they could simply remove it. It posed no considerable threat to your life or wellbeing, the most welcome and surreal words you could have ever heard.

Antonio had been sitting next to you at the time, having been given a few days furlough to make sure everything was in order before you went back to work too. As your face lit up in relief, so did his, squeezing you tight and smothering you in kisses as you tried not to giggle too much whilst on the phone, his fingers tickling your sides.

You thanked your doctor and disconnected the call, letting out an enthusiastic whoop of relief as you melted into Toni’s loving embrace, sharing long teasing kisses with him as he pulled you on top of his lap. 

“Better?” He asks, eyes bright with his own relief, feeling how precious you were more than ever.

You hum happily, giggling again, “Much better.” You press kisses to Toni’s face, his jaw, massaging your fingers at the nape of his neck, fingers combing through his thick head of hair, inhaling his aftershave.

The anxious smog had lifted, and you could breathe easier again. It’s always so hard when one small thing can put your whole worldview into flux, it felt like being back on solid ground now that you knew there was nothing festering within.

For hours after, as you lay content with your head in Toni’s lap, you listened to the movie playing in the background, your boyfriend smiling at your cat-like behaviour, relishing the way you relaxed into him. You feel yourself letting your eyes close, sinking into a light slumber on the couch, with not a trace of worry to follow. 

-

Fin.

[mistysblueboxstuff]

I know people ask who is Philip Quast but what I want to ask is how did you find about him and why you do you love him so much? No sarcasm, I would like to know genuinely

it could be sarcasm and I'd still answer this because i won't ever miss the opportunity to talk about PQ xD anyway not to bore you with too long of a story, i watched Les Mis the 10th Anniversary Concert somewhere at the start of 2018 and basically this was me the entire time

at that point i was still new to painting (barely two years in) and the thought of doing it for a living was but a distant dream. i had some tough years behind me, there are too many things to count and this is probably tmi as it is but my dad passed away in early 2016 after a year-long battle with cancer and i started painting as a way to distract myself from the pain, i felt like i was channeling all the bad things in my life into something good and meaningful even if my art was trash at the time but anyway i digress as usual but this is relevant to me finding comfort in Les Mis as the anniversary of my dad's passing away was approaching in February and somehow along the way Javert became my emotional support character and i finished and posted this painting on February 10th 2018:

it was my first of many Javert or Philip Quast pieces (though i had no idea at the time just how much Philip Quast himself would affect me as an artist and as a person) and i distinctly remember painting this

some time in March of the same year - i remember painting it on a particularly cold day, all by myself in the house, fire crackling in the old wood stove we had back then, and looking back i think i remember it so vividly because it was the first time in years that I've experienced some kind of inner peace, it was extraordinary and it was beautiful and somehow painting PQ has become a thing i do when i need to find that peace again, when I'm scared and anxious (and i am anxious A Lot) and when my depression is kicking my ass, i paint him and for a moment i can go back to that place of peace and contentment, however brief that moment may be. fast forward to July 2018 my blog was overtaken by Javert

my obsession with Javert has taught me so much, because i was constantly trying to find new and better ways to paint him, but it has also led me to find out more about my favourite Javert. well the person behind my favourite Javert really. I went and listened and watched way too many things he was in (many of them were bad xD) some days I'd listen to nothing but my PQ playlist, but most importantly i watched and read every interview i could find and I don't think one can comprehend just how amazing of a person he is without looking those up, he's a very private person but from what we know of him i think it's safe to say that he is kind and he is genuine and it's very hard not to love him for those reasons alone.

he's not on social media but at some point people started sending him my art (which i was terrified of, because he's so humble and i so thought my art would make him uncomfortable) but this was reassuring in a way

and so on February 10th 2020 he was given my art book and he was very kind and gracious and more wonderful than i could've ever hoped he'd be

i shall cherish this video forever xD a lot of things have happened since but his kindness and encouragement have been a huge part of me not giving up (not just painting but like life in general xD) and i love him for that too. i love how understanding and thoughtful he is, he's got so much patience and he seeks like such a warm gentle soul. my world has often been a dark place, with bad things and bad people all around, so i hold onto the thought that there are people like him out there - genuinely good people - and that's been one of my lifelines really. i know a lot of people don't know him and follow me for my other art (i do love other things too xD) but he's very special to me and so i keep painting him as a way to learn and to cope, and knowing that he doesn't mind (and in fact encourages me to "finish the hat" xD) means a great deal to me. I've never met him (though that's still a dream of mine) and I don't know him but i feel like I've gotten to know him a little bit through painting him so much over the years :')

idk if that's what you wanted to know nonny and I'm sorry if this is too long and boring but idk how to stop xD

[hatterstan-shameblog]

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I'll Stop Projecting When I'm Dead: AiB as Comfort Characters

Scenario: You (yes, you!) have just survived a terrible game. Shaken by the horrors you've witnessed, you seek out comfort from the character of your choice.

This is meant for general audiences—there are some mentions of violence, alcohol, implied drugging, etc. but nothing explicit. This is wholesome. (Or, you know, as wholesome as some of these people get...)

Characters Included: Arisu, Chota, Karube, Shibuki, Tatta, An, Kuzuryuu, Chisiya, Aguni, Hatter, Mira, Niragi, Kuina, Last Boss, and Momoka & Asahi

Enjoy 💖

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Arisu:

Although Arisu is very in-tune with your emotions, he doesn't know how to handle you running into his room with tears streaming down your face. So he freezes, unsure of how to respond, which only makes you start crying harder.

In a panic, Arisu does the only thing he can think of—he grabs the comforter off of his bed and throws it over you, adjusting the fluffy blanket so that it rests over your head and body like a hooded cloak. It's one of the things he used to do to comfort himself when he got scared, so he hopes it'll work for you too. Then, he sits next to you on the bed and drapes his arms around you, holding you close as he lets you cry it out.

Arisu is not one for words during these kinds of situations—touch is more his forté—but every so often, he'll say something like, "It's all gonna be okay" or "It's over, and you're safe." Whether you tell him what happened or you don't, he'll sit with you for as long as you need to feel better.

Chota:

Chota gets extremely uncomfortable when other people are crying—especially when that person is you.

Unlike Arisu's freeze response, Chota jumps immediately into overdrive. He starts fussing over you, asking what's wrong and getting very worried over your increasing distress. When he notices the blood on your hands and arms, he panics further. It's nice to know that he cares so much, but it's a little frustrating to have him reacting so strongly when you're the one suffering.

So, you tell him you need him to help somehow, and it's like something clicks into place. He immediately gets you water and watches intently as you sip it. He takes you to the sink and helps you scrub your hands until all the blood is gone. He draws you a bath and let's you soak, anxiously waiting outside the door in case you need anything else—while also checking in what feel like every two minutes, just to be sure you're okay.

Karube:

Out of The Boys™️, Karube is the most level-headed. So when you come up to him shaking and sobbing, he stops you from running into his arms and asks you (gently but firmly) if you're hurt. Even when you shake your head and whimper a pitiful No, he still gives you a quick once-over to check for any obvious injuries.

Only after that does he let you crash into him, holding your head to his chest as you let your emotions overwhelm you. He is a master of small-talk and sweet nothings, mumbling calm reassurances into your hair as he lazily runs a hand up and down your back in a repetitive, soothing motion.

He doesn't care that you're getting blood and dirt (and tears and snot) all over his favorite shirt—all that matters is you feeling safe and knowing he'll always protect you.

Shibuki:

When you come to Shibuki, covered in blood and trembling from the horrors of your latest game, she's all business. Tough love is her speciality after all, so the first thing she does is make you wash the blood off—to an outsider, it may seem like she's being cruel or uncaring, but you know she's just being practical.

When you can't stop crying, she grabs your face in both of her hands and makes you look directly at her. Calmly amd evenly, she says to you: You are safe. You did what you had to do. She gives you an expectant glare that only softens when you repeat what she said. "I am safe. I did what I had to do." She says it again and you answer, over and over until your breathing evens and you start to believe it.

She lets you stay with her that night, wordlessly facing each other on the bed, until you both fall into a deep, well-deserved sleep.

Tatta:

Sweetheart Tatta sees you in distress and is totally caught off-guard—what terrible thing could have happened to you to make you this upset? As you babble snippets of the horrors you had just witnessed between hiccupping sobs, he listens and pretends to understand.

He realizes that he needs to do something to make you feel better, and fast, so he sits you somewhere comfortable and tells you to wait. He runs out the door, leaving you alone in your misery.

Within ten minutes, he's back—breathing heavily, as if he had just run a mile—and hands you something round and cold. You blink away your tears and see that it's a bowl of ice cream (or frozen, dairy-free dessert), a generous serving of your favorite flavor, with all of your favorite toppings piled high on top. He sheepishly apologizes for taking so long, but he knows people always feel better when they have something good to eat.

You can't help but start laughing at the sweet gesture, and although it doesn't solve everything, it makes you feel a little better nonetheless.

An:

An is cold and calculating on the outside. On the inside, she's rather warm and caring. So when you come to her after nearly dying in a game, she whisks you away from prying eyes and takes you back to the privacy of her room.

Because of her extensive knowledge of the human body, An knows that one of the best ways to relax is to have a massage. Even if the game hadn't been particularly traumatic, you'd still probably be sore from participating, so she offers to help work out some of the tension. She starts with your hands, manipulating your fingers and stroking your palms until you begin to slowly calm down. An is an excellent listener, so when you feel okay enough to start talking about what happened, she pays close attention and doesn't interrupt as you recount your horrific experience.

By the time she moves on to your shoulders, you're feeling both the physical and emotional tension leave your body.

Kuzuryuu:

Kuzuryuu is not the touchy-feely sort, so don't expect a lot of hugs and cuddling from this man.

What you can expect, however, is for him to talk you down. He will reassure you with statistics—that every person who plays a game has a seventy percent* chance of dying, and that there is only a thirteen percent* chance of everyone surviving a game. That is because the games are designed to kill, and whether you had participated or not, there still would have been deaths.

He also reminds you that you are not to blame; living in the Borderlands means making impossible choices every day, and even making the 'wrong' choice doesn't mean you're a bad person.

In a moment of compassion, he puts your hand over yours and reminds you that feelings—even the negative ones—are proof that you are still alive and still human. And here, that means everything.

Chisiya:

Chisiya doesn't often display emotion, so when he sees you a crying mess after finish your latest game, he seems unbothered.

He takes you back to his room and guides you into the bathroom. He has you hop up onto the counter (or, depending, sit on the low stool at the vanity) and fills the sink with warm water. When he gets his small medical kit from the drawer, you know what's about to come next.

Carefully and clinically, Chisiya washes the blood and dirt from your skin with a soft cloth. Once finished, he begins his examination. From head to toe, he looks you over, explaining what he's doing in great detail as he checks for any signs of internal or external damage. He would have been an exceptional doctor—his easygoing manner and soothing voice make you feel at ease as he cleans your wounds with antiseptic and dresses them with sterile bandages. He even prescribes a few medications, along with plenty of rest and fluids to get you feeling better.

It's not the most typical form of comfort, but having someone go to such lengths to make sure you're uninjured makes you feel cared for.

Aguni:

Aguni's knee-jerk response to someone having a mental breakdown in his room is disdain—this is the Borderlands, where you either, as Johnny Cash so eloquently put it, "get tough or die."

But when it's you who's inconsolable...that's different.

Thinking is the root of your problem, all those troublesome thoughts and feelings swirling around in your overwhelmed mind, so he makes it so you don't have to think. In a tone that brokers no arguments, he begins giving orders. Walk to the bathroom. Turn on the light. Go to the sink. Turn on the water. Get soap on your hands. Scrub the blood off. Don't stop until it's all gone.

He walks you through an entire night routine like that—showering, putting on fresh clothes, brushing your teeth—and by the time you're tucking yourself into the extra bed (because he's one of those lucky bastards who has two beds in his room), you find yourself feeling almost numb.

He starts reading aloud from the book he had been keeping on his nightstand—it's just interesting enough to keep the memories of your horrible experience at bay as you slip into sleep.

Hatter:

Hatter is perhaps the most outwardly sympathetic of bunch, saccharine and almost condescending in the way he comforts you as you cry into your hands.

An excellent host, he makes sure your glass is never empty. The alcohol numbs, and before long, you find yourself slumping against him in a twilight-tipsy haze as the room spins. He drapes an arm across your shoulders and talks about all the wonderful things he has in store for the future of the Beach.

You end up in his bed (perhaps even through innocent, platonic means) and you stay the night, taking comfort in the fact that you don't have to be alone.

Mira:

This is hardly the first time Mira has dealt with an emotional breakdown, so she barely bats an eye at your acute distress.

She whisks you away to her room where she guides you into an armchair and pours you a cup of soothing tea. Sitting opposite you, she wears her most serene smile as she guides you through some relaxation exercises. Even though it doesn't seem like they'd help, you start to feel calmer, and that's when she begins to ask you questions about your experience.

You tell her everything, albeit slowly. Certain parts have you choking on your own throat, but she waits patiently until you're able to get the words out. When you start to get a little woozy, you wonder why she hadn't had any tea herself—but that thought is quickly vanished when she starts steering you to bed, tucking the covers beneath your chin tightly as you fall helplessly into a dreamless sleep.

Niragi:

Niragi positively beams when he sees you walking into the room, your hands and clothes covered in fresh blood. He rolls his eyes when he sees your tears, but laughs loudly and drags you away from the crowd.

The roof is his favorite place, so it's no wonder he'd bring you here—but when he puts his gun in your trembling hands, you feel confused.

He helps you aim at a skyscraper across the way, tall windows glistening black and dark in the night. Under his guidance, you pull the trigger and watch one of the windows shatter as he helps you handle the kickback. It feels good, and you shoot until there's no bullets left—windows breaking, Niragi cheering you on as you scream your hurt into the sky.

When it's over, you feel empty. You feel exhausted. Niragi takes the gun back and puts his arm around you, and you slump against him as you watch the stars together.

Kuina:

When it comes to caring for people, Kuina is the best. She's compassionate, clever, and highly empathetic—so when she finds you crying and covered in blood, she's ready to spring into action.

Unlike the others, Kuina asks you what you need before she attempts to do anything. Her hand is resting on your shoulder, her voice steady—her eyes meet your own, tears doing nothing to deter her from giving you what you need.

If you can't tell her what you need, no problem; Kuina knows how to handle that, too. She asks increasingly specific questions: 'do you want to go somewhere quiet?' and 'do you need to see a doctor?' top the list, all the way down to 'can I get you some water?'

By the time you've stopped crying, you're lying in bed with Kuina next to you. She's talking about her old life, the clothes they would sell in the shop where she worked and all the people that would come in and ask for her assistance, and it's one of the only times you feel normal in the Borderlands.

Last Boss:

Emotions don't come easily to Last Boss, so when he sees you in distress, he pauses. It's not that he's uncomfortable, it's more that he has a hard time relating. But he knows that he cares for you, and that he wants to do something to help.

So he takes you back to his room. He keeps the lights off, letting only the glow of the moon from the window illuminate the space. When he nods towards the bed, you walk over, and when you lay down, he nods his assent. He sits in the armchair across from the bed, katana unsheathed and his eyes watching you closely.

"Death is a part of life," he tells you simply, and for some reason, it's oddly comforting. You are able to drift off to much-needed sleep knowing that you have someone to watch over you and keep you safe.

Momoka and Asahi:

Don't be fooled—just because they're younger than most of the other Beach residents doesn't mean they don't know how to react in a crisis. When they see you having a panic attack after your latest game, they work together to calm you down.

The nightclub bathroom is disgusting, but it has a mirror and plenty of room for the three of you. Asahi scrubs the blood from beneath your fingernails while Momoka helps you regulate your breathing and gives you tissues to wipe the tears away.

Then they drag you onto the dance floor, despite your protests, and all but force you to dance. The music is so loud, it makes it impossible for you to think about anything else, so you let everything go and move your body with the rhythm. It's cathartic, dancing with your friends, and it helps you feel at least a little bit more okay despite everything you've witnessed in the Borderlands.

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...And that's what we've got! Some of them are better equipped to deal with emotional distress than others, to put it lightly! I tried to really think what the character would do, so hopefully I got it right. Or, right enough.

Thanks for reading! 💕

[thequeenofsastiel]

As promised, the post about Seanwhite's D/s dynamic.

Their kink relationship is very interesting to me. They don't know each other on a personal level, but they know each other on a kink level, whether they realize it or not. The thing about connecting with someone on a D/s level, especially if it's as intense as what they clearly feel, is that it's extremely difficult to not automatically fall into that dynamic, whether you mean to or not. I don't think either of them remotely mean to, but they just can't help it. Dgmw, I'm not saying that that's exclusive to kink connections, obviously romantic connections are also very difficult to ignore. But for kinky people, generally the way we experience romantic love tends to be wrapped up in our kink needs(though not always the other way around). And often it's harder to deny the kink connection than the romantic one(think Leo and Fiat and their obvious inability to not have a D/s relationship with each other even though it was unspoken and they were ostensibly friends).

Personal story time! The most profound kink relationship I've ever had was with a man who, when we met, was deeply, deeply devoted to Christianity, and thought he wasn't allowed to date an Atheist. But, despite our religious differences, we very much fell in love. He was able to ignore that, but he couldn't ignore the way we instinctively related to each other as Dominant and submissive, so we spent some time exploring kink in a non sexual and non romantic way(mostly service submission and s&m). It didn't work out for multiple reasons, but even to this day when we spend time together, it's all but impossible for us to pretend that we don't relate to each other in that way.

The point is, Sean and White also can't pretend that they don't have that with each other. Even when they were boxing, it turned into a kind of kink dance:

The way they look at each other is a big, big tell. White looks at Sean with scared vulnerability, while Sean gazes down at him calmly, clearly in control of both himself and White. And then, when he knocks White out:

He looks at him with this somewhat concerned yet stern expression, the way a Dom sometimes looks at a sub after a scene. In a way, that's exactly what they just did. And he's also clearly trying to come to grips with what he's feeling.

Then we have some behavior control, Sean firmly telling White to be respectful and polite:

And we get another look between them after Sean yanks him out of the bathroom:

Same frightened vulnerability, same calm, stern expression.

And some more power play:

White is whiney, the way submissives often are when their Dom gives them orders they don't want to follow, but he only gives the most token of struggles. Also, I can't lie, the way Sean slams White's arm into the bed is hella sexy.

Pushing against your Dom, testing their strength, can be a way to seek reassurance. For subs what we desire is often a sense of safety. It may seem counterintuitive, but knowing that your Dom is stronger than you, can physically control you, gives you that sense of safety. So when White moves his hand a little, that's what he's seeking from Sean. The knowledge that Sean is stronger than him, can control him. And Sean does exactly what he wants when he tightens his grip on White's wrist.

Their relationship is extremely intense, and I'm very curious where it'll go from here.

Feel free to engage with this post!

[measlywritingblog]

🦋 and 🌑 for the wip ask game!

🦋 - Which character has the biggest transformation?

To make everything about my lovely protagonist as usual. . . Alphara is actually the only one with serious character development at all in this first book, and that's actually relevant to her arc. She's surrounded by figures who she perceives as unchanging monoliths, while she herself is abruptly thrown around by what life's given her. This assumption is quite childish on her end, of course, and that's something she actually realizes as the story goes own.

To put it more simply: her main character arc is about learning to see other people as people. She grew up in a position of incredible privilege backed by a toxic fascist mindset that placed her on a pedestal above "ordinary" people, so her arc in book 1 is learning how to come down from that. Undergoing this arc is what separates her from Father, who's the one she got the mindset from. She confronts Him in the climax where she chooses to save a special someone (Omegon) over keeping her position of false divinity.

She starts the story as a naive and spoiled girl, and ends the story a more empathetic person, though she's still got a long way to go.

She won't be the only person getting character development in my series, though- Father's gonna start His downward spiral in book 2; Hayes is going to start his heretic arc in book 2, Omegon's gonna come into her own at some point along the way, and two other side characters introduced in later books are going to get whacked with the character development hammer pretty good as well.

🌑 - Is there reoccurring symbolism? Motifs?

The biggest motif I've got so far (and I suck at symbols and motifs, I'm just terrible at them) is Alphara's height as she grows up. She starts the story at like 4'5 and ends it at 7'0 (feet). Yes, I'm aware of how weird and cheesy that is, but let me explain.

Alphara at the beginning of the book is, like, really excited to grow up. She thinks that the moment she gets out of the palace, the moment she ascends to proper command of Alpha Corps, the moment stops growing at 18, her troubles will be over. She measures the time until this perfect day by her own body- she likes to look at herself in mirrors and she's constantly comparing her height to everyone she meets. Her most common yardsticks are Hayes and Father.

Whenever she compares herself with Father, it's most often to show the passing of time. She only sees Him every once in a while, after all. But it's also a comparison of how much she feels she's fitting the shape of the daughter He wants her to become. When she's anxious about her imperfections in front of Him, He towers over her. When she feels she's doing Him proud, she notices that she isn't having to look up as much to meet His eyes as she's gotten older. In one particularly heartbreaking scene, they both sit down in chairs that put them at even height with each other; simultaneously, this scene is the first where Father really does treat her like an adult, but Alphara finds herself horrified instead of reassured.

With Hayes, he's the one more likely to make the comparison in the first place. He's fond of saying things like "you're looking taller already!" or "soon I won't be able to reach you!". Alphara always laughs it off- after all, she sees him every day. . . until she begins ship drills with Alpha Corps. Until she gets used to being treated as an unerring god-being by her crews. Until she's gotten too lost in the monotony of moving ships around to remember the human beings behind the diagrams. Until she makes a mistake and he's not there, for once, to catch it.

When she seeks comfort from Hayes after, she realizes that she's now taller than him. She hadn't even noticed when it happened.

So yeah, I'm a little proud that first-draft me thought of that motif.