#seanwhite meta

[thequeenofsastiel]

[emotionallychargedtowel]

A Conversation with My Twin About Not Me and Twinship

My twin sister @porridgefeast and I had a discussion over chat about our thoughts on Not Me and how it handled issues of twinship. This is a transcript of our conversation. It's been tidied up a bit and we left out some personal tangents and stuff, but it's still a chat transcript, so there's crosstalk and stuff. I've added some explanatory notes using asterisks here and there. Our tumblr handles have been shortened and color-coded for ease of reading.

This is long! If you don't have the setting enabled where long posts get shortened in your feed, you might be scrolling for a while.

Porridge and I have both done a lot of thinking and had a lot of discussions about twinship over the years, including the portrayal of twins in media. I'm also a mother of twins, which gives me another perspective on this stuff. We're both avid BL watchers but Porridge is more knowledgeable about Thai BL than I am.

emotionallychargedtowel (“towel”) I think I have a pretty good starting question. To what extent is Not Me a singleton* fantasy about twinship vs. an actual portrayal of twinship? What are the most authentic-seeming bits?

*a singleton is a person who was born from a single pregnancy, i.e., someone who isn't a twin, triplet, etc.

porridgefeast (“porridge”) There are definitely aspects that are the bedrock of the story that are singleton fantasy, no question.

towel Personally I think a lot of it is more along the lines of a singleton fantasy but I was surprised by some moments that touched on twin stuff that seldom gets talked about in media.

porridge Much of the time I don't care to scratch below the surface too much on this sort of thing, because I liked that I enjoyed the experience of watching the show. But if I were actively interrogating the show I would have one major question.

towel You know, I was thinking about the whole thing where twinship intersects with romantic and/or sexual relationships in this show, and I realized that when I was thinking about that before it was all about Sean but I was forgetting about Black's girlfriend

porridge And that would be: in Not Me universe, do all twins have psychic connections? Or just some? Or just White & Black?

towel That's a good question. At the very least it doesn't seem like something non-twins are aware of. I guess if it was universal, maybe they would.

porridge Also, I'm guessing they don't have the connection *because of* the earlier near-drowning. Because their parents say something after that along the lines of “We can't let this keep happening.” IIRC

towel I'd have to circle back but I think there was supposed to be some precedent for it before the near-drowning incident. Right!

porridge Is it because they're extra close? Because their parents suck? It just seems like it could be an interesting area to explore. Like, for the show to have explored.

towel That's a good question. My guess is that the show would say that's just their magical connection, but who knows?

One thing that I think appeals to singletons about the psychic twins trope

porridge I think the incredibly vague implication is "because special."

towel If on some level they're thinking of twins as two halves of one person, then it makes intuitive sense that they would be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings. It's sort of like two people with one brain. Like, the fantasy of two people who are separate but also not works better if they communicate their feelings/thoughts.

porridge Yeah, I think twins seem interesting to singletons because they're paradoxical to them—two people who are kind of one person and kind of not.

towel But also it's a fantasy, though not always a pleasant one. A fantasy of oneness but also a fantasy of the horror of...I guess you could say losing one's individuality.

porridge Yeah, it can feel like singletons think twins are exotic but also kind of gross.

towel Oh, definitely. It's funny because it's related to a real struggle that twins have but singletons don't get it at all.

porridge Occasionally it feels like they feel superior. And it's like uh what? Because you're an individual? Guess what, me too.

towel Yeah, I think that's true.

porridge You're just as much a slave to your genetics as I am, bub.

towel Right!

porridge Like, singletons don't have anything I don't have except for a lack of, like, people acting confused at them.

towel I always think about that girl who told me how much she'd always wanted a twin in high school. “Someone just like me, who I'd have everything in common with. We'd never fight.”

porridge Hopefully that person eventually grew up and became less of a goober.

towel Ridiculous but I appreciate that she was so lacking in the filter department that she voiced what I think plenty of singletons think on some level/at some times.

porridge That's one thing about singletons' thoughts about twinship. I get that they haven't examined a lot of their assumptions and of course I can relate to that when it comes to other things in my own life. But you just want to go “Stop. Think about it for literally ten seconds.”

towel So often they clearly haven't. Like that person who asked when my birthday was and then asked when yours was. And was then like, “Wow, what a coincidence!” when I said they were the same. (They figured it out but it took, like, a minute or two)

porridge I think when some singletons put themselves in twins' shoes, they don't put *themselves* in our shoes. They put some imaginary magical twin version of themselves in our shoes.

towel Definitely.

Well, it tends to be really polarized. Either being a twin is this lovely sense of communion with another human being or it's a terrifying thing where someone is going to steal your life

And then there are the times they don't put themselves in our shoes and just find us scary.

porridge I often prefer media depictions of the latter simply because I want so badly to correct for the former. Oh for sure. This is part of why I like that movie Adaptation so much.

towel Though that brings up something that happens in Not Me as well, one singleton actor playing twin characters.

That's something at least. There's a part of me that wants to say, “No more singletons playing twins. Get some danged twins. Or make them fraternal.”

porridge To go back to your question a little. I think the elevator pitch and general concept is a singleton fantasy, but at least some elements of the actual events are more like reality. It felt like somebody actually bothered to think through what that would be like.

towel Yeah, same here.

porridge Like, as I said when I wrote about it, the part where White is like Black won't come back, he's let me have my place in this group and we both know we can't both be part of it.

towel Yeah, there's that quote, “Nobody wants to live in another person's shadow” or something to that effect. I find it both sort of insightful and ridiculous at the same time. Like “everybody knows two twins can't both be in the same activist cell.” Uh, no.

But yeah, sometimes it seems like you can't be in the same space or group in certain ways

porridge Yeah that's not true. It's just that White now has closer relationships with each of those people.

towel And it may be true, though it's almost never entirely clear.

porridge It's not impossible for twins to be part of the same close group, but it's not always easy either. And that's partly because of the people around them.

towel And it depends so much on circumstances. Yes! And the other people involved.

[conversation ensues about people from school trying to get Porridge to make Towel talk less in class]

towel I was thinking about how polarized White and Black are. To me that's a bit of a red flag, when twins are even sort of opposites. And it's not true that White is perfect or that Black is evil but White is mostly right about things, mostly nice, occasionally cranky but that's about it, and Black is very hostile, clearly not in a great mental health place, etc.

They're closer to being all good and all bad than I'd like

porridge Yeah, I may have let that go partly because it wasn't quite as bad as I might have feared. But it's not ideal either.

towel It definitely could be worse. But it reminded me of the "which one are you" thing, which you certainly remember but I'm going to lay it out here for posterity.

"Are you the smart one or the [ableist word for unintelligent] one?" "Are you the nice one or the mean one?" and so forth. I used to blame the Sweet Valley High books and they certainly didn't help, but the twins-as-opposites thing is everywhere.

porridge Being at summer camp and me being "the brave one." I'm not sure what that made you exactly? If the description were correct it would have been "the homesick one," but there wasn't enough subtlety for that. Really it was the one who cries and the one who doesn't cry even when kicked by a horse. But that second part was just because in the fight/flight/freeze department, I'm a freezer.

towel Same, usually. I've tried to figure out why that is so appealing to singletons. My best guess is that maybe they like the idea of splitting a person into good and bad and then running the bad half out of town, so to speak.

It's a bit like that Buffy episode, actually. The Replacement. [There's a monster/wizard dude who wants to turn Buffy into a strong half and a weak half so he can kill the weak half and get rid of her entirely, but he hits Xander with his magic beam thingy instead.] It's worth noting that that's one of the only examples I can think of where instead of having one actor play twins they had Nicholas Brendon's twin brother play his double. I mean, it's one of the only examples I can think of where they had twins play a person and their double.

porridge There's arguably a whole separate treatise to write about the doppelganger concept and why it's compelling.

towel Yep

porridge For whatever reason I don't feel able to touch on it briefly, I can only go full tangent or kind of wave in its general direction.

towel I'm OK with either. I mean, a big part of the doppelganger thing is the fear that if someone resembles you they'll be able to take your entire life away from you.

porridge It's one of those things that has some perceptions-of-twins mixed up in it, but seems more about identity from the POV of singletons than anything else.

Yep. And that's the entire crux of that Buffy episode.

towel I do think their assumptions inform the doppelganger thing and twin stuff in a similar way.

porridge Yeah, it's from the point of view of singletons, thrilling themselves with fear that a nefarious twin could appear.

towel There's also the whole question of, like, if people met your double and did know it wasn't you, what would they be perceiving? How would that work? Do people have some kind of essence to them that we can distinguish?

I mean, obviously in reality the difference would be that person's behavior. And that comes up in Not Me.

porridge Seems like a lost opportunity that AFAIK nobody's ever made a body-snatcher film where a twin is a plot point.

But like I said when I wrote about the show,* as twins we know that people would just think the person they know is being weird for a very long time before they would go to a twin as an explanation. At least if those twins look as much alike as White & Black do.

*Check out the older post Porridge is talking about here.

towel Yeah, that's true. I think if Sean had figured it out sooner that would have really bothered me, for that exact reason.

porridge I mean, I say this as somebody who took ages to realize a friend was psychotic because I was convinced he was just really mad at me for a few months.

towel That's just human nature, though. We keep using the heuristics that worked for us for a long time. And most of the time that's the right thing to do.

porridge All I needed was for somebody to say "So [friend], do you think maybe..." without finishing the question before I was like yes. Shit!

towel When Sean asked if Black had a twin brother, a part of me felt kind of impressed that he figured it out. I can't decide if it's actually realistic or not. Like, would it ever occur to me, if someone started acting really different, that they might have a secret twin?

porridge Even then it was partly because of something somebody else said.*

*Porridge thought she remembered something to this effect, but so far neither of us has been able to track down the quote she remembered, or thought she remembered. But neither of us has fully rewatched Not Me since this discussion, so maybe it's there and we just didn't find it.

towel Still, it's either that Sean was really astute there, to a potentially unrealistic degree, or he had a theory that would have been incredibly dopey except that it happened to be true. I guess it's kind of both? He was astute and the theory would be dopey most of the time.*

*Since this conversation, I (Towel) have had some more thoughts about this that I'll put in another post soon.

porridge I guess that's one area where the implausibility sort of cycles back to making the plot make sense.

towel Heh, right.

porridge It makes more sense that he figured it out because they are so different. That's kind of a fantasy too. Like, "the person who loves me would definitely know if I wasn't me."

That reminds me of something I could ask you.

Wondering if you had a similar reaction to something. When Sean finds White (out of his Black drag), I had an unexpected rush of emotion. I was glad they were going to talk (presumably) with the twin stuff out in the open but it wasn't just that. I almost didn't care about Sean, but the fact that he was seeing White-as-White made it more real that yeah, this is actually White. White is getting to be himself now. It was like gender euphoria I guess only it was individuality euphoria.

towel That's interesting. I think I might try to peek at that scene real quick if that's OK.

porridge I think it was also because prior to that we'd only seen Black for a while.

towel I think I'm almost at the right spot but in the meantime, the recap for the part I pulled up included the whole denying he's a twin thing ("Twin, my ass!") immediately followed by "Stop messing with my little brother!"

Omg, Black's bitchy face when he throws the handcuff key away.

I don't identify with Black a whole lot and he's honestly a bit incoherent as a character, like somebody's pushing faders up and down with his various traits depending on what they need to have happen plotwise. But even though I don't want him to keep White away from Sean & the others I still kinda feel for him there.

That's pretty true. Well, I think they're kind of deciding if he needs to be the opposite right now or if he needs to be someone who cares for White and/or their cause.

porridge Bit of a damn right moment.

towel Yeah, there are a few relatable things there.

Being protective of your twin is real, of course. And he doesn't like Sean and probably has seen a really bad side of him because of how contentious their relationship is. There's also an element of feeling jealous and/or threatened by your twin's romantic relationships, which I found was more of a thing when we were younger. It's something that's pretty embarrassing so it's hard to talk about and I think often gets swept under the rug, but it's real and it's understandable. I wonder if there's a homophobia and/or gender role thing going on there. Like, does Black perceive White as being in a more vulnerable or feminine position in his relationship with Sean and if so does that seem more like Sean is taking advantage of him somehow?

porridge Could be. We know from earlier events that Black is very protective of White.

I don't feel strongly that I know the motivation there.

But I could make one argument for a possible interpretation. It could be that Black wants to protect White from Sean because he doesn't like Sean, but mostly he wants to protect White from their radical activities, keep him away from lawbreaking and risks.

towel It's kind of perfect that when Sean finds White-not-dressed-up-as-Black he not only has his glasses on (which seem to symbolize White being White for a lot of the remainder of the show) but a white t-shirt, something that gets dirty easily and wouldn't hold up well in Black's style of life.

porridge And he could resent Sean that much more as a result for keeping White tied to them in another way.

towel That's true.

porridge That interpretation is sort of optimistic in the sense of giving the writers a lot of credit. But I think it's plausible.

Even if Black isn't consciously homophobic, there's a subtler kind of gender thing / homophobia-lite factor that could be in play. Where that person suddenly seems more vulnerable than if they were with a girl.

towel Yeah, I think so. And I think they may seem more vulnerable than if they were perceived as being "the man" in that relationship

porridge And he's smaller, etc. He's new to the group and to their risk-taking, etc. Bunch of things connect. But of course the gender piece isn't rational or correct. It's just the sort of residue of homophobia that gets in people's brains.

towel I'm trying to remember that meme or whatever it is. About the horror of being known versus...well, the appeal of things that require that you are known

That meme is what came to mind watching this scene where Sean meets White as himself.

porridge One more thing about that scene. I also liked how relieved Sean seems when he learns White's name. That seemed meaningful. No idea how much of that is me looking through my twin lens.

towel I guess it's "the mortifying ordeal of being known." I think White is very much having the mortifying ordeal in that scene. I just went back to the scene and that's where I was, at the point where Sean asks White his name.

It's a remarkable thing to have fallen in love with a person and not to know their real name but you can imagine how much you would want to know.

[discussion of doctoral program practica and names]

porridge Yeah. Watching back a little and a big part of Sean's epiphany is that Black doesn't catch him in a trust fall. Just looks at him like he's an idiot. A big part at that moment; it's clearly a test so he already suspects.

towel Good point. It's remarkable that after Black has already behaved this way he still does that trust fall without holding back.

I thought it was interesting when they had White think, in voiceover, that he was surprised that he could feel so close to Sean, that he thought he could only feel that close to his twin. I go back and forth on what I think about that. I'm not super fond of the comparison because it's such a different type of connection. But I guess I can relate to it in some ways. Especially when you're young, it can be surprising when anyone can be close to you in a way that's even sort of comparable to your twin. Okey doke. How about a silly question to mull over?

porridge Yeah sure

towel If we were in a world that operated under Not Me universe rules

Who would I have to sleep with to make you wake up from a coma? I tried to think of a real [porridge] nemesis and the only person who came to mind was someone who used to work in your office whose name starts with a [letter].

porridge HA

towel I wouldn't go near her with a ten-foot pole except maybe if it would bring you back to life. Works for me!

[Porridge’s answer is somebody she was very close to at one time who she then had a sort of friend breakup with. then we talk about emotionally unavailable people and those who are attracted to them.]

Lemme see here. I was trying to remember what happened with White and Eugene. I spaced out a little at that part and I wonder if it's because I was getting pretty uncomfortable with the idea of White pretending to be Black with Eugene. I think they kissed? And I was like, please get out of this situation. But I think I spaced out on the show in an avoidant way at that point because I can't remember if anything else happened between them or if he got away and if so, how.

porridge He actually drugs her which is not great...

towel Gracious

porridge He's in a position where he's trying to avoid a lot of things while trying to get some information from her about what happened to Black, and he doesn't do anything to her while she's knocked out. But it's not an okay thing to do by any means.

towel I was going to look up the Eugene scene and I went to the window where I had been watching the episode 12 part where Sean sees White as White, and there was an interesting line. Sean said he had had a feeling because Black seemed so different, and White said, "Your feeling was pretty slow!" Kind of resentful that it took him as long as it did, even though at the time he wouldn't have wanted him to figure it out.

porridge If you read between the lines / fill in some blanks yourself you could say that while we saw White being generally relieved the others didn't work out that he's not Black, he wasn't always completely happy about it and about pretending. The more involved he becomes, and certainly the more he cares about Sean and is invested in something between them.

His feelings aren't made apparent after that initial relief.

towel Do you think White kind of gets a bit softer after Black comes back? Like, that he seems to become more of a contrast to Black? Maybe it just seems a bit like that to me because of the contrast. Black coming back also just leads to some emotional scenes, so we see more of Sean doing things like crying as well.

I'm going to mention something for later because I'm scared of forgetting: there were a few times when Black and White broke some "twin rules" I have for myself and I was like, "you can't do that!" but the biggest one was White getting Black's tattoos. They show his arm getting tattooed during the opening credits and every time I'd see it I would cringe so hard. You can't get the same tattoo as your twin unless you get intentional bro tats!

Of course then I found myself thinking about how much harder it would be for me to simulate your tattoos. Not just because there are more of them but because they're much more complex. And I think one might be in the same spot as one of mine?

porridge That to me is so kinda preposterous to begin with that I didn't get to the point where I was like "that's not allowed." A new tattoo doesn't look like an older tattoo so unless Black got his a month ago it's ridiculous.

But I agree, that's against the rules.

towel Oh gosh, I couldn't stop thinking about how his tattoo and the piercings weren't going to look right because they were still healing

In a way, the next day the tattoo might look more correct than it would a week later when you get that layer of skin falling off

porridge To return to your earlier point, it's confusing because if White seems a bit gentler and softer, is that the comparison? Is it an intentional choice among the filmmakers and Gun to contrast them? Did White maybe relax in his efforts to seem like Black once he felt accepted?

Also, maybe White is occasionally grumpy and seems more Black-ish and that has factored in at some points.

It would help if Black were a more nuanced character, though he is SOMETIMES nuanced.

towel I feel like those are all possible. Some of it is just the comparison and the events of the story at the time, but I also think that the writers/director were probably playing up the differences at least to some extent. And as you point out, Gun probably was too.

I feel like Black has the most depth when it comes to Eugene, but it's fleeting and not that nuanced.

porridge Having had an ear piercing since I first saw the show, I feel more like the piercings are plausible because he doesn't change posts. In the case of those, the main thing that would be visible would be some swelling for the first week or two and the gang likely wouldn't notice that.

I'm not sure whether Black has more depth with Eugene or if she's tied with White and Todd for interactions with actual feelings.

Black's Todd-related emotions include a lot of anger and rage, but in a way IMO where you can tell Black has actually let Todd into his world and has confided in him in a way he may not have done with the gang or others in his life. Maybe because they go back so far.

towel That's true. You can see why people ship Black and Todd, write fic about them, etc. I mean, I don't think there's actually something going on there in the show but he feels more strongly about Todd than almost anyone. He shows more emotion interacting with Todd than he does interacting with White.

porridge It feels like he's guarded with White partly out of protectiveness, though it's also clear that he's not eager to open up to White hugely. He cares about White but he really just wants White to do what he says, and hearing more about White's feelings and thoughts won't help with that.

towel Anytime one twin feels responsible for their twin's safety, it's bound to have some big downsides when it comes to their abilities to be emotionally authentic with each other. That's what I associate with it, anyway

porridge And they've been apart, but Black has maintained his childhood scheme for their relationship.

towel Because the person protecting is overloaded (they aren't supposed to have to take on this responsibility) so they're bound to be reactive to the protectee being distressed.

porridge As a protective twin and kinda parentified caregiver toward my twin (at some times in some ways), I didn't want to boss you around but when I felt you were in danger it was incredibly difficult not to feel like I could do anything about it.

towel I know that must be a feeling that comes up a lot--like, the horrible powerless feeling when someone you love is in an abusive relationship.* But I'm sure there are unique aspects of it and a lot of intensity when it's your twin..

I was looking for some other parts of the show to comment on and I found when White sees Black for the first time and I thought it was interesting that he says that unlike all the times he imagined this moment, it's "surprisingly frightening" (I think that was the wording. I find it remarkable that he says it's "like seeing my doppelganger." Because Black isn't the doppelganger. White is! "I stole my brother's entire life and he wanted it back. Such a doppelganger.")

*I (Towel) was in an abusive relationship for most of my 20s. Naturally, this was really hard for Porridge.

porridge You're right, but that experience (as I imagine it, having not gone more than like 9 months without seeing my own twin) would be uncanny to anybody in a way where you would lose all perspective about like recent events.

towel That's true. I guess I feel like the narrative kind of lets White off for his actions a little too much. I mean, his replacing-Black actions. There's very little time spent on the fact that Black doesn't like that he did that and it's not like he had his consent. His motivation to protect his brother matters but it doesn't negate everything completely. And of course Todd is nudging him along the whole way because it's in his interest for the anti-Tawi stuff to continue.

porridge I get what you're saying but I don't think that’s in service of making White out to be so perfect, I think it's more about keeping the narrative clean. There's a hypothetical version of the show that uses that to interesting ends.

towel I guess it just seems kind of lazy to me, or convenient

porridge And Black does tell White that the others won't want him around once they discover he's been lying to them. And White thinks (voiceovers) the same about Sean specifically.

towel I'm probably more interested in those implications because I'm actually a twin.

It's kind of wild how readily they're okay with it, the group, I mean. Maybe people are more likely to forgive that sort of thing if your twin is a huge butthole.

porridge If I wanted to explain that I would say that on some level they already knew.

towel I was wondering what you thought about the whole separating twins as children thing. I'll explain just a bit.

You pointed out that it doesn't really make sense for White's and Black's parents to think that separating them is going to change their psychic connection and I agree. There's no justification for that. But it reminded me of other ideas about how somehow twins being "too" close is going to be bad for them. I forget if I sent you a link to that recent article* but I remember I definitely shared a passage from it. This woman is kind of musing about her relationship with her twin and some of it is kind of self-indulgent but there are some good bits, and my favorite is where she talks about separation.

She talks about this case where an adoption agency separated a bunch of twins and adopted them out to families, never telling the families or the kids that they had twins. And there was a researcher kind of in cahoots with them who interviewed the families and the kids over the years to observe them, looking at the twinship angle but pretending it was for other purposes. It's all incredibly unethical.

But the justification was that being dependent on one another is unhealthy so twins are better off apart.

I wonder if that's part of what singletons find scary about twins. Maybe it would be better to say it’s a thing that scares them when they see it (or think they see it) in twins. And that's dependency, or more accurately, interdependence. Of course, that's kind of a culture-bound reaction. But in an individualistic culture like we have in the U.S., being sort of born into an interdependent relationship could seem horrifying.

*The article I'm referencing here is Giving Away My Twin by Jean Garnett, which came out on 7/10/23 in the New Yorker

porridge That's horrible. Would be even if they were non-twin siblings.

towel Yeah. Some of the saddest examples were from a book by Anna Freud's partner* talking about kids she observed when they ran a place for kids who were sent out of London during the Blitz.

*Anna Freud's partner's name was Dorothy Burlingham and her book was called Twins: A Study of Three Pairs of Identical Twins with 30 Charts

porridge The thing is, and I'm not saying there isn't any closeness kind of inherent to twinship. But yeah, any siblings can be closely dependent but when you add that to the appearance of twins people get wigged out.

Though I do know of kids being punished for being too close to their siblings, referred to negatively because of it, etc. Non-twin siblings.

towel I do think that being the same age increases the chances of being close or relying on one another.

porridge Yeah I don't discount that.

towel But yeah, it could happen at other ages and is totally penalized in some families.

porridge But I'm saying do the people outside that relationship perceive the additional closeness or do they just perceive closeness plus twin appearance

towel I do think that they overestimate it a lot based on twins looking similar.

But it gets kind of chicken-and-egg there, because part of what makes you closer is everyone treating you like you're a) weird, b) a unit with this other person, c) unbelievably similar to them, etc. Like, you know that closeness is expected, and you can get excluded by others because of their perceptions of your twinship.

Well, I was going to say that separating twins for no reason like that adoption agency is something I think most people would find disturbing. And separating twins the way White and Black were separated would probably seem like a bad idea to a lot of folks. But there are smaller examples of this that are really normalized. Like, I remember feeling really surprised, almost startled, when I found out that there's no empirical basis for [the idea that it’s] better for twins to be in different classes at school.

And I really think that became a convention because of that thing where twins being close--or just the prospect that they might be--freaks singletons out.

Maybe even more so when you're talking about adults who are considering a set of twin children. I know in our family of origin it was sometimes implied or even directly stated that our relationship somehow undermined the parents' authority.

And that's sad, because what you're talking about is children’s ability to provide each other comfort. Like, these are adults who basically resent that you have an ally who will make it harder to break your spirit.

porridge And you shouldn't be dependent on your children being ineffectual to parent.

towel Well, I think it's interesting how their separation is dealt with in the show. I'm tempted to go back and look at that part again, actually.

It's both treated as more and less of a big deal than I expected.

Like, it's not treated like it's nothing, which I think they could easily have done. But if they were going to acknowledge that it was painful, I wish they'd acknowledge it more.

At this point we got sidetracked and trailed off. Of course, this post is long enough as it is! That said, I do have some additional thoughts about Sean figuring out the twin thing, as I noted above. I'll be posting about that soon. And I wouldn't be surprised if Porridge and I end up having other thoughts about all of this down the road.

[bunnakit]

Not Me Episode 1 Music

so i think this will be my consistent contribution to the rewatch event because the sound design in Not Me is one of my absolute favorite things about it. i won't be able to find every song (i tried for episode 1 and some are just impossible for me to suss out or i just lose patience) but i'll try to find some of the most memorable ones. (sorry its a little late, i spent 5 hours making bake me please gifs.)

Rivers Told Me Lies by Daniel Gunnarson

I've been searching in the dark Trusting every clue I've found

This song immediately throws us into the deep end. White has been searching for Black in his own way, in his uhh extended breath holding competitions in the bath, and he's trusted the clues that Black can no longer feel him through their 'connection.'

Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?

White has only just landed in Thailand after 10 years away from home and immediately his thoughts all circle to Black. The song cuts off before we can get to more of the lyrics but I think the general idea of the song conveys White's current emotional state, his longing for his brother, his desire to continue seeking him out, and if we want to make a biiiig stretch perhaps their parents are the 'River' that lies to them about their whereabouts.

What's Left Behind by Taylor Crane

This song plays when White arrives to the hospital. This is the first time White has seen Black (what has been left behind) in ten years. Another important note is 'What's Left Behind' is on the album 'Is It a Reflection,' and it must be like looking into a reflection for White - both physically and it's not a too much of a leap to imagine his emotional state likely feels like Black looks on the outside.

Tripping Over Danger by Craft Case

We hear this as soon as Todd launches into his explanation of Black's new gang of friends. You can either interpret this as a warning against the danger of Black's friend group or perhaps the fact that White is nearly very literally tripping over the hidden danger right in front of him.

Safeguard by Charles Holme

safeguard (noun) something that protects and gives safety

This song playing when Gram and White first enter the garage makes me a little emotional. (Shut up I know I'm a Gumpa simp but stick with me.) The garage is meant to be a safe place for the boys, a place where they are protected and secure. It's the home that unites them.

Trade a Moment (Instrumental) by Evening Traveler

Sean and White quite literally trade or share a moment as soon as this song plays. Sean grasps White by the back of the neck and pulls him close and there's some sort of connection there, some sort of energy that passes between them.

Climb On by Jay Denton

The oil fight. I don't really have much to say about it, but this is that upbeat slightly goofy song that breaks a lot of tension the show has been building up.

Along the Rivers by King Peaks

This plays in the beginning of the washing up scene when White is struggling to get the oil off of himself. I really don't think there's any deeper meaning to it other than perhaps the connection to water, but it's a song I pretty easily recognize so I figured I'd mention it.

that's all i have the energy for tonight, i have a raging headache and i'm fueled purely by pizza rolls, white claw, and herb but i hope this is at least something some of you will enjoy

[pothame]

thinking about sean and episodes 10 and 11. how he went to Their spot to see who he thought was “black” (white) to tell him what he wanted from him for winning their bet - to ask him to be with him and stay by his side forever - and he’s met with the coldness of the real black, the black who was his sworn enemy in the gang before white showed up and started to change that.

he was filled with so much hope and excitement for the future, and had all of that dashed in a heartbeat when the real black, who saw them making out and probably has an idea at this point how much they mean to each other, kissed him and then spat on the ground.

he just wanted to be with this person who he thought had changed. who, one day a couple weeks ago, changed from this enemy to a kinder person who he started to really love. and through the confusion of his response, begging him to explain and trying to make sense of it, he gets told to never come close to him again and gets beaten until he drips blood from his mouth and his eye is swollen shut before the person who he thinks is the guy he loves rides away on his bike and leaves him there to suffer.

he’s not like the black that held him through his nightmares. not like the black that was so tender with him for this treasured time. and he just couldn’t understand why a switch flipped and the person he grew to love was back to hating him. he goes to namo in this state knowing she’s hurt because of him, but the person he would usually go to is the cause of his own pain. he vents out all of his feelings with her trying to just get through it.

and then episode eleven. the gang is trapped in a shootout and sean gets left behind, stuck in one place with the gunman closing in on him. out of nowhere the guy, that not even 24 hours before was beating him senseless, shuts off the lights and rescues him, risking his own life. he’s suddenly back to the black that sean loves. the black that cares. he can’t understand what’s happening and is even more confused when he wants to take sean to their special place in the abandoned building.

out of hurt, anger, and confusion he tries to get “black” to pull over and let him off. of course this black wouldn’t do that until both of them were safe, but as far as sean knows he could be taking him to beat him up again. or worse. “black” doesn’t understand what sean is talking about when he asks “why didn’t you let me get killed” and tells him “you told me to never come near you again,” but of course when sean is saying these things he can’t see “black”’s face so he just thinks he’s ignoring him. sean starts to fall from his hurt and anger back into his love and concern when “black” passes out while driving. he shields him from the concrete when they fall and is there until he wakes back up, asking if he’s okay.

he lets “black” lift him up from the ground and help him inside. once inside their secret hideout he asks “why are doing this to me” while “black” is taking care of him, bringing him water and telling him to take off his jacket so he can tend to his wound. he doesn’t want to open his heart back up to this person who changed suddenly just like the night before, just in case he’s being played again. he accepts help with his wound but refuses medicine all while asking why he’s doing this and saying that he’s confused. for all he knows this person in front of him tending to his wounds, saving his life, giving him water and medication to ease the pain, is the reason for his swollen and cut up face. he doesn’t understand how this person could be treating him both ways. “i don’t understand. i thought you were the right one, but now i feel like i don’t know you at all.”

“black” has to force feed him the pill twice before he accepts it and sean still asks him why he’s being so nice to him. after all this is the same person that put him in his initial state before the shootout isn’t it?

“black” lays him down in their tent, sean begging still for an explanation, not an apology. “you know what’s worse? whatever you say. i’m willing to do it for you, as long as you stay by my side.” this person hurt him in ways he’s never been hurt before. he beat his body but also ripped out his heart, spat on it, and shoved it back in his gaping chest. and now he’s acting like it never happened. being the guy he loved just 36 hours ago. and he can’t understand why he won’t give him an explanation

“i’m right next to you now.” it’s all “black” can offer. but like sean said, he’s willing to do whatever he says as long as he’s by his side. so he falls back into love again. hoping he doesn’t get hurt again but begging for “black” to still be the person who held him through his nightmares. and for now he is.

“black” gently wakes him up with a kiss and it’s like he’s waking up from a bad dream. they’re right back to their tent in episode nine. sean asks him to not leave him this time, but of course promises are made to be broken. for now though, he’s happy. he’s hurt. but he’s happy. and the next morning he wakes up and gets hurt all over again.

[lyknest]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme! (created by @fiercynn)

tagged by beloveds @nobodynobodyno & @cornflowershade & @solana-ceae thank you for tagging me this was so much fun! 🌹💖

note: i consider "fanworks" to pretty much everything people create related to a fandom, including but not limited to meta/analysis/discussion, gifs, fanvids/edits/fancams, filk, fanart, fanfic, fan food, fan crafts, etc. please include this note with the meme unless you have a different definition!

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

im vi! i'm queer, 23, born & living in India, but brought up in south-east asia!

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

i saw the show as it aired but i joined the fandom (and tumblr) around ep3!

favorite ship(s)

PatPran (duh!), but also InkPa because they're such a good pair like how Pa is a badass but around Ink she just melts and gigges (both the jundapat siblings are the same skskks)

favorite character(s)

Pran. he is me, i am him. he is a feral, musky scented hoe and i love him.

favorite episode(s)

episode 4! first we got ink and pa projecting her crush pn pat! then we saw pran AND A LOT OF PINING AND JEALOUSY. my boy had gotten his hopes up and then absolutely shattered. we got "only i can have these super cute dimples" & "if you were ink, would you like me?" and that absolutely heartbreaking last scene <3

favorite scene(s) 

i mean there's the obvious ep5 4/4 fight followed by the best kiss in cinematic history. but also pat in the music shop discovering that he likes pran. and pat shouting his love to pran in the architecture faculty. and pat and pran's scene in the corridor with the guitar. and inkpa hotpot date and the photography room scene. the entire episode 8 & 11 (im cheating ik). i will keep on listing all the scenes if i don't stop.

one thing you would change about the show if you could

i wish there was just one discussion about wai being a dick to pran in ep8/9. like i wouldn't change what happened but like after all the dust had settled and all the friends were ok with patpran, i hope there was a discussion or even a mention of that wai apologised to pran somewhere behind the scenes and pran mentioned this to pat. (and i'm not sure if os2 counts but i would most def change ep3 of the crossover where they are just getting lost and screaming each others' names again and again sksksks)

what are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people

this is very unfair ok i love them all but here are a few

i'll just link all the fics here & the post i made about it some time back! (special mention to a soft boy in soft sweaters by @dimplesandfierceeyes)

the entire @badbuddyingifs blog

fanarts by @hereforlou (x) & @architectxengineer (x)

bad buddy costume colour theories by @dribs-and-drabbles

InkPa edits:

this edit by @pranink

this one by @akingyouniverse

episode 7 by @mantrisanu

developer stopper fixer by @oswlld

darkroom confessions by @forcebook

just the way you are by @snimeat

another darkroom edit by @chinzillas

FMVs

iris fmv by @prantically

enchanted fmv by @thranduel

patpran x zara zara fanvid by @prany

Quotes & Stuff

this cursed (affectionate set) by @guntapon

this quote that makes me cry everytime by @machikeita

yet another one of my fav quotes by @nanons

when we were younger by @alexshenry

you'll never be friends by @taeminie

myth by @tipsyjaehyun

love story by @fourthnattawat

another one by @freensrcha

v. imp kissing patpran set by @patspran

already home by @sunsetandthemoon

pran's life anthem by @morkofday

Character & Dynamics

pat-ink edit by @pranpats

pat saying ma ni by @casualavocados

best boy pat edit by @louwilliam

feral musky scented hoe pran by @seanwhites

best siblings by @ardentlytess

ink by @angelbesideme

Misc

page to screen series by @actually-yikes

inspired movie posters by @nanonkorapat

bad buddy rewatch series by @baifengxis

bbs2 by @dimpledpran

concept sets by @i-got-the-feels

episode 7 edit by @ayan-sukkhapisit

(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?

i did make some edits but my favourite one is the PatPran x Bollywood edit!

a song that makes you think of bbs (the ones in the show don’t count lol)

well obviously same page? by tilly birds. but also way too many taylor swift songs (seven, labrynth, gold rush, our song, the 1, betty, i think he knows, daylight, the great war, mine, enchanted), sleepwalker by julie byrne is so pran coded, home by reese lansangan, straberries & ciggarettes by troye sivan, i'm yours by alessia cara, doors by ben&ben etc. etc.

idk anything else you want us to know?

cursing your feed with this

tagging everyone i tagged above! (if you want) <3

[lutawolf]

Hi Luta!

Loved your meta on the first episode Hidden Agenda's D/s dynamics and will be looking forward to read the rest!

Thinking back Joong's character in the show kind of reminds me of a gentle Dom in later episodes after their relationship progresses.

Honestly I absolutely love your metas on D/s pairings' dynamics. I still remember when Not me was coming out on Sundays and each Monday I got to work in the morning, made myself a cup of coffee and read your meta on SeanWhite's dynamics like it was my morning newspaper hahahaha.

Hey Nonnie!!!

Thank you! I'm excited to do more. I'm so glad you enjoyed it too. 💜💜💜

He is very much a gentle Dom, with a side of bullying as his sign of affection.

Thank ya 😍😘 Not Me will forever be a favorite for me. I still re-watch it and get so much enjoyment from it.

Thank you so much for this, I sincerely appreciate it.

[chinzhilla]

Do you have any fave Thai BL series? If you do, what's your top 10?

hiiii thank you for the ask! 💙 and oh yes of course i do!! i'm not gonna actually rank these but here are my top ten thai bls in no particular order (with commentary bc i always have to be the most verbose person in the room):

The Eclipse - i think this one goes without saying if you’ve been following me for long. it's the first bl i watched live, before this blog even existed, and i imprinted on it like a duckling. that's the firstkhao effect i guess, and also my penchant for repressed sadboys and characters who are so attracted to each other and so mad about it

Manner of Death - may be surprising since i haven’t posted about it much but this drama is just. perfect. one of these days i’m gonna do a rewatch and i’m gonna be SO annoying about it. tension and release doesn't get any better than this, and the entire time the plot is plotting and it's fantastic!!

My School President - this one should also be obvious given it's the source of my url and also basically the reason this blog exists. this is the show that escalated my bl obsession to critical mass and left me with no choice but to make a sideblog about it. the soundtrack is banger after banger, every character is lovable, there are such genuine touching moments, and gemini and fourth just kill it the whole time

A Tale of Thousand Stars - i don't think any show has made me cry more. i was warned but nothing could have really prepared me cause it's like this drama was made in a lab specifically to target all my emotional weak points. i related a ton to tian and his need for escape and agency, and his growth and redemption over the course of the series is really just beautiful

Bed Friend - this show is a bit of a sexy comfort watch for me. to watch uea go through absolute hell and come out the other side getting the love, respect, and devotion (and cat ears) he deserves is just sooo satisfying. and did i mention how sexy it is?

La Pluie - closest i ever came to writing actual meta was while watching this show. its take on soulmates is so refreshing and thought-provoking and i really appreciated its emphasis on family and the trauma it can bring even when everyone loves each other. also gorgeous chemistry from the leads and lomfon and tien had me in a chokehold for weeks

Only Friends - obviously the show has been very polarizing but y'all all know where i stand. i'm not without my criticisms of how THAT storyline ended but there are far far far more positives than negatives for me. and in terms of pure entertainment they DELIVERED

Not Me - another one i don't talk much about but absolutely adored. every relationship in this show could have essays written about it (which i'm sure has been done) and the seanwhite first kiss is actually one of my favorites

Laws of Attraction - charn wasn't on my screen for a minute and i was already in love with him. this is another one with a great plot, good chemistry, and a captivating side couple. the only thing it doesn't hit right on the mark for me is the physical intimacy (especially bc i couldn't help but compare it to mod) but it makes up for it with hot lesbians (silvy pls give me a chance)

I Feel You Linger in the Air - no it's not over yet and yes i'm two (almost three) episodes behind but listen unless they really screw the pooch right at the end this one absolutely deserves to be here. once again the chemistry is chemistrying and the setting and mechanics are FASCINATING. however i have a feeling it's gonna join the ranks of atots as dramas i adored but might not everr watch again due to emotional devastation

honorable mention to Shadow which is currently airing and which i am obsessed with so far. if i ever do another version of this list it may well be on there

[elnotwoods]

One thing I particularly enjoy about the evolution of Sean’s feelings and his relationship with White is that it happened slowly but you can clearly see when the switch flicked on for Sean…

From the first moment Sean has been watching “Black” like a hawk… you can see him being perplexed and a bit suspicious about Black’s sudden personality change.

When Sean opens the door to his room suddenly and raises his fist, “Black” backtracks and covers his face which must be a very unBlack thing to do. From what we saw of the past, Black has always been the more hotheaded one, the one ready to fight and stand up for himself. So for “Black” to instead cover his face and actually wait for the punch,instead of throwing one himself, is already suspicious.

And Sean noticed. Because of course he does. I bet he notices so much more because his and Blacks relationship is the rockiest one out of all of them at the garage. Gram seems to be in love with Black and also carries a lot of guilt and shame for kissing Eugene and maybe that’s why he doesn’t notice as much. Yok noticed too, but he also has Dan on his mind 24/7 so he isn’t as invested. But Sean is the one always at the garage and always watching “Black”.

Black has trouble riding his bike, doing work around the garage… he also suddenly questions their actions and how they will be viewed by the public. And he is also gentler, less aggressive and actually gives a damn about Sean. The old Black wouldn’t have cared about Sean, he already left him behind once. Yet suddenly, “Black” hugs him through his nightmares and consoles him, he cares about Sean and if he is hurt.

All of this tips Sean off and that’s why he starts to question this whole thing. I think their moment under the pride flag also shifted something between them. It looks to me like Sean acknowledged that he himself has different feelings for “Black” and for a moment he lets himself be and enjoy the moment. “Black” being this unusually smiling, cheerful and energetic just adds to the list of weird unBlack like behaviours.

Once Sean sorts his head out he investigates. He comes over to “Black” and the moment they have is significant and another milestone in their relationship. Because Sean opens up and “Black” accepts him, consoles him and thanks him for opening up. He trusts him and thanks him for giving that trust back.

And Sean does trust him. Him snooping around isn’t about not trusting him. I think he actually trusts this version of “Black” even more than the real one. Sean just really wants answers because he must be confused too. Cause suddenly he has feelings for someone he never really got along with and this person seems so different yet so identical to the one he had beef with. Sean just needs to confirm all of this.

You can see it once White wakes up and asks about being tied up. Sean already knows, but he isn’t angry. He’s actually amused.

(I also think that out of all of them, Sean was the one much more likely to not be mad at White for lying. I think Sean gets that something must have happened for White to come in and pretend to be Black. And Sean understands the need to protect his family and the ones he loves.)

Now that we know why Sean tied “Black” up, him checking that the “Black” who came over for the stake out is the one Sean wants there. Because the ropes left a mark on his wrists and Sean can confirm his identity without tipping White off.

The rest of the episode Sean seems way gentler himself. Every time he is anywhere near White he visibly softens. He teases him and engages with him but it’s not so rough. He also smiles much more and looks giddy when he runs across the rooftop with White’s hand tightly holding his.

It’s also worth pointing out that from the moment Sean confirms that “Black” is not Black… Sean doesn’t address him as Black anymore.

He is also way touchier with White, he seeks his presence and he openly flirts with him on that rooftop. Sean takes a breather to collect himself after that trust fall, giving himself a moment to calm his nerves down before making his move.

(Don’t even get me started on the trust fall and how it’s basically Sean’s way of asking White that if he fell for him, would White be there to catch him? Can Sean trust him with his heart?)

And once Sean is a 100% sure about this all, he goes for it. He seizes the opportunity and actually lets himself go and kisses White. Because now he knows and now trusts him too.

[heretherebedork]

Sean not getting along with Black (according to White)

White might not know much about human interaction, apparently.

[pandoraylamcraziness]

Analysis of ep 8

Warning:  spoilers for ep 8 and preview of ep 9. This is a long ass post. Edit: I’m very sorry this is VERY long and I tried to cut it in two parts but tmblr hates my guts ;_;

Seeing this gifset of the paralels of the Fall of Trust between Sean and White got me thinking.

I don’t know what to think of Sean. I mean, in the preview it seems like he knows there’s a sibling. 

He suspect something. But I have no idea how he came to that conclusion. Maybe he found something else (like the fandon headcanon that he found the application papers for the diplomatic job. Who knows). Bc I think it would be grasping at straws if all he had was: 1) the fact Black is acting different 2) and the glasses and contact lenses 

There’s hole between the time Sean woke up and found the glasses and the time White woke up and found himself tied that we didn’t see.

Why did he did that?  I think he found something else but didn’t give him answers, only more questions. That’s why he tied White, bc he wanted to ask him questions and not being able to escape. But somewhere after White woke up he changed his mind. He left way too abruptily.

Let’s take what happened when White woke up:

- Sean is dressed. Metaphorical armor put on again. - He was waiting in the balcony for White to wake up, like he couldn’t bear the thought of looking at him, unlike when he woke up and spent a lot of time looking at White sleep (and caresing him with his fingers under the guise of seeing if he could wake him up, don’t think we didn’t see that Sean)

They had been drinking the night before. They fell asleep together. If Black (White) was someone he’s not who he says (a spy, a sibling, whatever) and lying to him and meaning harm, the logical conclusion to waking up tied in his own bed is that he’s been found.

Yet. Yet Black (White) first reaction was to call for Sean.

He’s screaming at the door, like he thinks Sean has been taken, like he fears for him.

That’s the first thing that didn’t go how Sean expected it. So he tries to keep going.

He tries to act menacing. But even if Black (White) is startled to find it was Sean who tied him, he’s not acting scared.

He’s not scared. He’s annoyed, yes, but he’s not scared of Sean. 

And then, when Sean tries to be intimidating (that way you leaned into his personal space, looming over him and talking in his ear is more sexy than you intended Sean, I see you), he takes a step back to regain his bearings and THIS happens:

(very nice legs courtesy of Gun)

THAT wasn’t something Sean could have ever thought it would happen. Fight him, hit him, do some serious damage like the real Black would do -or someone passing for him and pretending he’s weaker than he seems- ? Yes.  But not this. Grab his waist with his legs and push him close to him? I don’t think Sean in a million years would have thought he'd end like this after he made the decision of tying him.

He was BITING him!!! Black (White) could do real damage in this posture. He could kick Sean in the groin, could bite his ear (and not in a sexy way), could put so much pressure with his legs on his ribs that Sean would have trouble breathing. He could put his thighs around Sean’s neck (again, not in a sexy way) and press until Sean would be unconscious.  But he didn’t do anything of that. He just bit his arm like a dog (lol) and push him close and Sean was too offended and perplexed he didn’t know what to do. 

Nothing in how White reacted was what he expected. He didn't act like he was 'caught'. He didn’t act like he was in serious danger. He acted like Sean was messing with him, like it was a training exercise or smt like that. Or just plain Sean being an asshole. He was pissed, yes, but he wasn’t acting like he was in actual danger, just like they were messing with each other.

Sean was flustered.

So he said his snarky remark and flew the fuck out of there.

I wonder what was on Sean’s head when he got out. What he was thinking? Certainly nothing about this went in any way he predicted.

His new feelings for White has been brewing for some time, but all his interactions with Black (White) leaves him too surprised and perplexed to actually stop and think about what he feels about it. He almost never got the time to process those feelings or think about them. And then of course, he had to suffer Tawi’s presence at the university, so all thoughts about Black (White) flew out of the window.

He never catches a break, the poor thing.

He looks drained.

---

Now, back to White. One thing that took me by surprise was Todd coming to Black’s house like nothing. Yes, he brought groceries and he said he came bc White didn’t contact him in a while. But the first thing I thought was  “what if Sean left a camera or something? Did the crossed each other when Sean left the building? Why Todd came unannounced, what if White was with someone?? Gram, Sean or Eugene??” I even thought for a moment that maybe Sean tied White bc he knew Tawi was gonna be at the Uni and didn’t want to see him, but that doesn’t make sense.

---

Now 6 little (i tried ;__;) details that left me thinking:

1. Sean’s jacket

Happiness Loyalty Origins Constancy Family Commitment Teamwork

I only noticed them when I was making screencaps and I had to take a moment to stare at the screen bc holy shit. If all of that is not Sean at his core (and White too) I don’t know what it is. (jesus, the details of this show are killing me) (also, damn Gun with those legs. What? I have eyes!)

2. The thing White does with Sean’s ear. 

Maybe I’m thinking too much, but I think (maybe) it’s gonna be important at some point. Like a White thing. Maybe at some moment Black is gonna pretend to be White (like the trailer when he spits after kissing Sean) and this is gonna be something that tells him he’s not White.

3.  The funny thing is that Sean thinks Black is too drunk to feel him touching him and tying him -sure the real Black wouldn’t leave himself be this vulnerable, no matter how drunk he is, much less with Sean- when the truth is that White drinks vodka like it’s water, so this is just White subconsciously feeling safe around Sean.

Look at him. He’s smol and with a liver of titanium. If there’s an alcohol competition at the garage he would be the only one standing, while the others are either passed out (I think Sean would be the first which is hilarious as hell) or being messy drunks (Gram would be an emotional drunk, talking about imposible love and pining about Black; Sean we already saw he’s a sticky one, affectionate drunk. He would be hugging everyone and being all over White, pinching his cheeks and telling him how soft they’re before passing out cold and using his leg as a pillow leaving White all “???????????!!!”; Gumpa would be the surprise. He becomes the Problematic One™, cheery to the point of concern, jumping with Yok and seeing who comes with the wildest and dumbest ideas ever. That’s why he doesn’t drink. Yok is delighted. White is more concerned by the minute. They had to tie a rope to his waist so he don’t wander off and set fire to something (Yok is grinning like a maniac. White hopes he doesn’t remember anything tomorrow. In fact, he hopes no one remembers anything tomorrow. Specially after Sean drapes himself over White while Gram looks to the point of crying and Yok hollers at them and Gumpa says very seriously “This is all my work” before having a fit snickering)

(I’m dying to see a scene like this or one in which White drinks Sean under the table and he’s like fresh as a rose and Sean is red as a tomato until he falls asleep on his shoulder lol. But well, we always have fic lol)

4. I think Sean went to Black’s house with something in mind.

(this was very sexy of him)

Maybe getting him drunk and take a look over his things, maybe just to get himself drunk enough to be able to thank Black. Who knows. But he didn’t expect how things developed. This Black that cared was still a novelty. A novelty that scared him shitless bc he liked it. He liked the new Black and didn’t know what to do with that. He sure didn’t expect to spill his guts, and he didn’t expect Black to react this tender with him. 

(I see you White. Where are you looking at?)

5. The way he says to Gumpa he has been sleeping in Black’s home.

This is after he says that. He’s looking at Gumpa like he’s trying to see if Gumpa knows. If he thinks it’s also strange Sean slept in Black’s house. If anyone is smarter enough or pays enough attention to dettails, it has to be Gumpa. He has to know something. Anything.

And this is his face when Gumpa acts like everything is normal. Like there’s nothing out of the ordinary. After Gumpa gives him information for their next hit and Sean acts like it’s not something big and to be excited about. It feels like it’s the face of “I have to tell you something about Black”, or maybe “Do you really don’t think there’s something wrong with Black?”. This is the face of someone who has made a decision. 

6. The Fall of Trust

I think he doesn’t know who the hell is White -or maybe he has an idea-, he’s trying to figure out if he can trust him. He’s trying to figure out this new Black, or whoever he is.

So he falls. Figuratively and literally.

They both did:

And White catches him.

This is the most beautiful visualization of what letting oneself fall in love is. 

This is the face of someone who has been proven rigth.

“Oh. He cares about me”

“But he’s scared”

“He’s scared. He’s lying to me and he’s scared of nothing. But he’s scared of this”

“He’s gonna try to act like it’s nothing”

“And I don’t want him to”

“I have to do something”

“I like him and I’m at peace with myself”

White is giving him an out. To put aside what whatever happened between them and talk about other things. The Plan.  But he’s also being incredibly honest at the same time. White doesn’t know Sean suspects he’s not who he says he is. He’s asking a question he thinks Sean will take at face value, like they’re talking about social fighters stuff. What he’s really asking is “What I’d be doing if I didn’t came here? If I didn’t meet you guys? If I didn’t meet you. Who would I be? If you didn’t meet me. Who would you be?”

And Sean gets it. He gets what White is talking about. And he’s surprised. Again. He sighs. “I shouldn’t be surprised at this point” This is another reason. He gets even more determined then.

He takes a step closer. “I have to make him understand”

“I got you”

“He’s still scared”

“I got you”

“I’m not gonna let you go”

Some might be thinking this is Sean trying to manipulate White into trusting him with the things he’s hiding. But even if that’s true, Sean truly shot himself in the foot. Because this kiss?

This kiss was real.

Ps: Also the detail of how, even if White kissed him back, he didn’t grab Sean. I think the moment he tells Sean the truth (or maybe not, seeing the preview) is when he’s gonna grab Sean with his two hands and kiss him like he’s never gonna let him go.

[demiromanticmickey]

White moving into the garage is more than just about getting trained up. He is literally leaving behind the ideals he thought were correct. He said it himself, the privileges he's had through out his life comes from exploiting others. He has been part of the problem all this time. And we see White reckon with that in this episode.

And if he wanted just an escape from his dad he could have stayed at Black's apartment full time. Instead he chooses to take Gumpa's offer to stay at the garage. Getting trained is really just an excuse White uses to stay there. He wants to stay at the garage because, while he doesn't trust the company Black keeps, White already feels more comfortable there than in his own home.

[thequeenofsastiel]

Hiii! I just finished a Not Me rewatch and i just wanted to let you know how much i love all the kinky meta you wrote about seanwhite😭 all of your kinky meta actually is all *chef's kiss*

The D/s vibes with these two are sooo clear, yet every time i try to form one(1) coherent sentence about them i think of stuff like "on God the very next time sean sees white after tying him to the bed the first thing he does is proudly check the bruises. what more could i possibly add that is not already there." but your posts always know the perfect thing to add, and i just love the way you interpret their moments :)

Sorry if that's weird but i lived off of your meta the first time i watched Not Me so this time around i thought i should come out of my hiding and tell you how much i appreciate those posts😄💛

That means so much! I'm so glad to know that you appreciated my meta. I put probably too much energy into them 😅

[dyeyourhandsblue]

the parallels between sean beating up white in episode 6 vs black beating sean up now

when it happened in episode 6 we were so shocked at the violence, but now we can see that that’s how sean and black behave with each other

sean beat white up in episode 6 because he thought that was black, and he thought black would simply fight back - but white doesn’t fight back, and his narrative even says he understands why sean is doing this. white decided in episode 5 he trusts sean and wants sean to succeed, and he refuses to go back on his word.

and now black beat sean up and EXPLICITLY ASKED HIM TO FIGHT BACK, it’s him clearly trying to bring their dynamic back to what it was originally. but now it’s sean refusing to fight, because he thinks this is the person he fell in love with.

[i-got-the-feels]

This parallel.

White wanting to hold on to the guilt so that he remembers the choices and deceptions he had to do and though he hates he is lying - he is grateful to have met him. How he can't separate the guilt and gratefulness towards his love. Its saying that this quote is in a scene where they make love - one of the most intimate ways people communicate their affection.

Cut to later, Sean encouraging him to confess, telling him that he doesn't need to be guilty anymore, yes he was hurt by White's choices but understands why they were made. And now he has a choice to make, to hold on to the guilt and stay in a familiar space or to throw the guilt and take the risks of revealing his choices and loving Sean in open. And this being in a scene where they are planning with Dan - same man who killed his father, who is part of the system that they aim to abolish is essentially Sean saying - i have come out in the open and unfamiliar and I know I'll make it because I have you and everyone else, please trust me to do the same for you.

[dribs-and-drabbles]

Another thing I was thinking about in the gym was Black/White's tattoo again.

I've already posted about the tattoo...because I'm curious if it has a meaning for Black and whether we might find this out later in the series...but the sunlight in the gym was creating similar stripes on the floor and it took my mind on a journey...

When I was looking at the sunlight, I suddenly thought - what if the importance of the tattoo isn't the four black stripes but the three spaces in between? The negative space... And then that made me think of the juxtaposition of light and dark...which maybe represents White and Black...? And then other things like - maybe it symbolises the light in the darkness, the good that pushes through the bad, the fight that Black and the others are going on against Tawi and what he represents.

But also the other way round, because even though the default is to think of darkness or the colour black being 'bad' and light or the colour white as being 'good', it can also be the opposite. I mean, think of cosy dark rooms in the winter, settled under blankets with a cup of hot chocolate, versus a stark white room, light shone directly in the face during an interrogation... So in the context of Not Me, the dark could be the gang and their illegal activities pushing against the 'light', the clean façade that people like Tawi show to the world despite their underhand dealings (most hard drugs are white, are they not?).

So, what is the 'truth', what is good or what is bad? And how do we know the difference, how do we know who to trust? Is Tawi bad? Or actually will he turn out to be innocent (naive, ignorant, and oblivious perhaps) but not actually the bad guy here? Wouldn't that be a kicker? I mean, Nuchie has already shown us that things are never 'black and white' - there's a greyness to everything, there's nuance, or things change with context or perspective (see Dan for example, or Yok fighting Tawi only for his mum to lose her job).

I don't know. I imagine Tawi really is the villain we think he is - because there needs to be one, right? Or maybe by the end it will be someone else who will take the rap for him - yet another scapegoat who will fall - showing that despite all efforts those in power really do always 'win'.

But back to the tattoo...because there's also something about how it could look like a row of windows - showing how the marginalised in society are the ones who feel like they're stuck 'outside' somewhere, looking in to the places they feel like they don't belong. Or the other way round again, they're stuck somewhere - just like a prison (because the stripes could also look like prison bars) - unable to break free from the confines they find themselves, confines set by a society that doesn't cater for them, that actively pushes them aside (or inside)...

Ah, I've begun to ramble....I'll stop. But I will say this, that tattoo - whether we will find out what it means or not, or whether it has a deep meaning or not - it's genius because it's so simple and yet so layered and can mean so much.

[life-rewritten]

NOT ME EP 1-6 Analysis ; The 3 Mirrors (1/3)

The television show Not me (NM) has a lot of parallelism and dualism as mentioned previously. However, there is more to this than people know. For example, there is the introduction and the evolution of the three canon couples all finally shown from episode 5. These couples all have patterns, meta, themes, and ideas that mirror each other to provide depth and a whole dimension to the overall story. Especially, since romance is a key part of the characters arc which is the reason why NM focuses heavily on characterization in its plot. While all characters have their own voices, arcs, and reasons for what makes them, them, we do see that they all be characterized by similar categories and themes. So, in no order, here are the main couples in the show-— this analysis will be based on both the book format and the series format.  While the novel differs a lot on some of the plot points, some themes still show up in the show and collide together so with this information we can try and see how that occurs. The three couples of Not Me are as follows:

1.            SeanWhite

2.            GramBlack

3.            YokDan

The identical and associated themes between these three are:

The Juxtaposition of Status (the privileged vs the wounded)

The Prompt of Inspiration (the discovery of purpose)

The Intensity of Passion (the effect of uncontrollable attraction)

The Cause of Vulnerability (the breaking of walls)

The Removal of Masks (the induction of authenticity)

The Map of Healing (the direction to self-empowerment and power)

 The Reveal of the Inner Child (the unleashing of idealism and                         liberty)

The story of the NM characters revolves around the fight and struggle to have their voice heard in a corrupted environment. Therefore, the main six characters find themselves somehow making active choices to fight the system and be vigilantes in their own way, for their own reasons, and their own ideals. The fight against the main villain Tawi—who represents the 3-Cs of political corruption: Capitalism, Corruption, Crime, is used to showcase the obstacles and goals the story is pointing to, and each of the characters and their arcs revolves around him either directly, socially, or even just metaphorically. The fight to defeat Tawi’s actions is a massive part of the plot of the show, but it also ties to the flaws and strengths of the characters plus their romantic arcs.  

 So welcome to the full analytical series of essays breaking down each couple and their connections to the themes announced above. This will be part 1 and will focus on Sean and White. The Enemies to Lovers.

White

White, the main protagonist who begins the narrative. He has found out, that his twin was entangled with illegal activities and gang behavior thus, becomes a victim hurt, ambushed, and lying in the hospital bed lifeless with others ignorant about his whereabouts. White decides to join his brother’s gang and find out more about what led to this. However, White’s connection to the theme of the show is different from the others. Although, his strength lies in valuable insight and reasoning, his flaws are ironically his naivety and cowardice. White’s arc is all about bravery and becoming stronger, finding out the strength in him that was dormant all along, using his voice, and letting himself finally be free from the corrupt puppeteers surrounding him. Therefore, he starts his arc naïve and confused, extremely sheltered, and a pawn used by the corrupt, as he is a son of the most known ambassador in Thailand.

White grew up with the mindset to keep his voice hidden, he modeled most behavior and perceptive of the leaders in front of him and was trained to follow his father’s footsteps. He is educated about the world but is blindingly held back from the political truths in Thailand. But most of all, he is also painfully concealed from his twin. What happens once his brother’s truth is unveiled, is that White realizes how heavily flawed he was, how manipulated and controlled they caused him to be, to hide his real voice and feelings. He hasn’t agreed with corruption he sees, but he’s kept quiet as the law trains the youth to hide their voice and be silently compliant to what is going on around them. Arguing with the law is useless when you’re meant to derive benefits from it. However, as White finds out, his status made him beneficial to the higher powers to be another copy that continues the cycle of corruption and impunity.  But, from seeing his brother’s gang and their ideals, he realizes how wrong he is. This is where Sean comes in to help.

White and Sean are both juxtaposed, representing both sides of the privileged vs its victims. White represents due to his background the privileged, and Sean falls under the wounded due to his story arc.  Sean is the opposite of White (duality: a theme the characters follow and is essential to their characterization). He is fiery, brave, loud, and knowledgeable. He’s inquisitive and notices everything amiss, and he also drives the gang when Black is not there. White on the other hand, is the opposite— quiet, weak, naïve, dumb, and wants to be led not lead. The duality in their personalities is used to give them both strengths and weaknesses that follow and help their evolution to becoming real and dimensional to the audience. The connection and need to have Sean understand him, but also to save and help him, makes White inspired to want to fight, be brave, and stand up for the group. This is how Sean becomes a prompt for inspiration to White discovering himself and his own wants and needs. Again, he becomes vital to the gang, not because he is like them but the difference he has with them, because he is someone who has been manipulated like the audience the gang is trying to gain support from, he understands what they see the group as, his insight becomes important to let the gang realize how chaotic and dangerous they are without grounding and reason. Sean represents this chaos. So, while White stays anchored and pulls him to the ground after overcoming his fear, Sean takes White of it and makes him fly, i.e., find freedom in being his true self and having his own voice to help lead the group alongside Sean.

Sean

Sean is seen as a casualty of the corrupt and people, compared to the position that White has been given. While White has been lavishly gifted with wealth and comfort, Sean must fight for that by working in the garage and facing poverty due to lack of his family benefits and support. While White has an affluent prominent father, Sean’s father’s reputation is besmirched and ruined because of the corrupt, the rich and the flaws of the law.  While White’s mum can control the law and get her children acquitted from anything as another government official, Sean is the victim with no law to aid him. And so, Sean is filled with rage, fire, and determination to want to fight. He’s filled with severe hatred, anger, and vengeance because of the injustice done to him, and because of this, like an explosive, he has no control, aiming for nowhere, trying to get a way to escape his trauma and pain. White shows up in this case, to cause Sean to simmer, cool down, and not hurt himself or cause damage to others. White also tends to poke at Sean’s vulnerability, removing the harshness, and hurt of the fire in him, and mellowing him making him afraid to hurt him, confused, and agitated when he’s normally in control. White provides Sean an aim to land, reason, and make his goals digestible to the people he wants to attract but also White helps Sean’s mission to tackle the corrupt, work efficiently than it was when he had no direction or goal. Therefore, episode 6 heavily focuses on their conversations about their ideologies and we get to understand what Sean wants to achieve and why he’s the way he is cold, harsh and unyielding to others.

White and Sean fill each other up with inspiration in different ways— White is inspired by Sean’s leadership to be brave because he wants to mean something to Sean and help him get his goal. Sean is inspired by White on how to be a better leader by calming down and listening to the team’s worries and more. This is why in the trailer; he looks happy because White helps him find a new way to get their group to mean more to people including the rich and naïve like himself and bring upon a change.

The pull of attraction between these two is also complex and complicated.  It is intense and uncontrollable. Which is what is normally seen in the trope they follow, known as the enemies to lovers trope (E to L). Filled with muddled mindsets which needs evolution and change, before the two can find each other and become one essentially. E to L normally also utilizes stories with vulnerabilities, masks and hidden secrets needed to be understood to get its characters their growth and reason. It involves the use of complex but also flawed characteristics implemented, to give dimension and change for when the arcs actually occur. An example used in my previous essay for these two, is a known literature base with Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. A story about two people who are also defined as a slow burn romance that is based on this trope. The realizations for what they are feeling is prolonged over halfway of the ending of the book, but it also is hidden by subtext clues that the feelings the two have is immediate, uncontrollable, and noticed but pushed down. Elisabeth Bennet is head strong and quite flawed in her way of defending herself from society due to the ridicule she tries to prevent her family from suffering. Although, she is automatically taken by Darcy, herself defense mechanisms cloud her from the truth about him, while he also starts off closeminded and rude due to his upbringing. As he falls, he loses the control he’s trying so hard to hold due to his trauma with his own interactions with people towards his family (like Sean who distrusts everyone because of his past). They both form self defense mechanisms which prevent them from truly showing their feelings and coming out with them in general. The romance is catalyzed, and the feelings are known, once Darcy finally lets Elisabeth know of his feelings but his flaws result in one of her greatest fears happening and so she closes him off.

Sean and White are parallel to this concept. Let us look at the flaws presented for them. White is spoilt, privileged, naïve, and manipulated by the corrupt to see their views, he is introduced to the concept by Todd that the gang is violent, and one of them, a suspect of his twin getting hurt. Sean is the most inquisitive almost as if he knows Black is not where he’s meant to be. Sean looks vicious at Black upon first sight, and with all these interactions, White forms a close-minded block seeing Sean as a suspect. As he grows like Elisabeth and realizes the truth that Sean is his ideal and right for him, he becomes pulled back by his other flaw, cowardice, and regression connecting to his theme about the loss of his voice. He hides how he feels for fear he’s not worthy of Sean compared to his twin who he thinks is the source of affection to Sean. Sean on the other hand is like Darcy, awkward and closed off due to the hurts of the past, but also the hurts of betrayal from interactions with the real Black. He forms a block too, refusing to let his true feelings show because he is confused and unsure of how White would feel and why he acts the way he does. Like Darcy, Sean finds himself finally being brave and telling White how he feels and the truth about his past only for White like Elisabeth, to probably be taunting and using it against him (for finding info about his brother or just pulling away from him once he starts his angst of not being able or allowed to fall for Sean), and this leads to misunderstandings like E and D, that White would never see him that way but Sean like Darcy staying in the background and still providing safety, clarity, and help to White, out of his love unknowingly to him.

So, we have these immediate flaws of the characters, which make them push each other aside and even despite the truth unveiling, like Elisabeth, White is manipulated by Todd on his perspectives and judgement on Sean, and Sean like D starts off with pride and judgements towards White on his interactions with Black.

However, one observation associated with the two couples that show up, is the irrational, and uncontrollable need to be obsessed about their partner. From enquiring about them constantly, to feeling joy when they expose a part of themselves others don’t see or notice. But it also is because of this that stems the passionate writing included in the story. Both couples are pulled together, unable to think or process when close, affected by stares, and touches to the maximum. And this spirals and spirals and becomes misunderstood as tension and hate derived from their mindsets about each other. However, it becomes more noticeable the more they spend time together that the vulnerability does exist and there is no way to run away from what they feel.

Many interactions with Sean and White follow a different form of this and alludes to a D/S relationship; also, physical and connected to uncontrollable feelings and emotions associated with position and power. White wants to be controlled, held, nurtured and led by Sean and Sean wants to protect, hold and lead White. Their interactions and the way they think of each other/want from each other is connected to this and it leads to them losing their walls in front of each other despite the urgent need to keep it up to avoid danger or hurt associated with the perception of their angst.

Because of this, another theme with them is masks. As with all the other couples, White forms a mask, since his identity (also connected to his arc) needs to be silent in order to follow the narrative and save his brother. By hiding beneath the façade of his brother, he becomes confused with Sean’s automatic presence removing all those falsities and making him automatically reveal the parts of himself that’s real and hidden. His real feelings, emotions, and interactions with Sean is him as White, not as the mask he holds with the others. Sean’s mask is involved with being strong and hardheaded, he refuses to show his vulnerabilities apart from when he sleeps haunted and taunted by his traumas. Because of this, White automatically is shown these sides of him which leads to him being concerned and seek to understand Sean desperately. Sean’s vulnerabilities leak when near White, as well as his loss of ability to control himself around him and think straight. He worries and automatically tries to protect him while still also determined not to do so. His mask unravels without meaning too, because of the closeness and proximity he is forced to share with White in their situations and because he forces that closeness with White and makes it his mission to keep an eye on him, question him and physically touch him.

Another observation about these two is connected to the outbursts of childish and immature bickering that occurs between them. At first, this seems like a nuisance but it’s actually on purpose. When they first are introduced to each other in episode 1, the first actions they properly share with each other is rolling around like children in oil.  They act messy, chaotic around each other and this is one of the ways White’s boundaries are withdrawn, after he has just entered the gang as his twin brother and is incredibly filled with fear and worry about his cover being revealed. He rolls around on the floor with Sean and after, bickers with him continuously exposing parts of himself that are differentiated from the Black persona, he fails to uphold due to the presence of him.  

The disclosure of their inner child is a big theme associated with all the couples. This may not seem like a great attribute because they’re meant to be mature, serious and grown to take on the role they play in the activism projects they undertake, but for their personal growth and self-discovery, it’s connected again to the other partner exposing and making them free to be their authentic self without meaning to. It’s also important to all couples in different ways, for Sean and White, it’s the bickering and play fighting they find themselves doing, especially when they start to live together, or even in front of their peers.  Because they are in an environment where they are being forced to be more mature than they need to be. For example, with Sean; he has to take care of his family and have an earning after his father’s life was cruelly taken away, this is similar to Yok who also has to ensure that he and his mum are safe and protected, despite being put in a position they can’t escape because of the lack of help from the law. And Black runs away from corruption to live alone and start from scratch without his privilege or caring environment. These things are responsibilities and weights the gang shouldn't have to deal with yet, but they are thrown into it unfairly and harshly.

However, this is where the reveal of their inner child is an advantage. With the right person, they feel weightless, free, able to unleash their childish personas, their dreaming, loud, and messy self, their innocent, naïve, and blissful self, where they don't have to think or run away from what attacks them. They forget to be serious at the moment they stand in front of their partner and are petty but also appreciative of what they care about. There’s no need to understand loss or pain, because their partner distracts them from that, and gives them an outlet to show a relaxed version of themselves.

White and Sean go through these stages with each other. From when Sean is like a child, sick and filled with fear when sleeping, needing someone to hold and warmth to embrace from White, to White being loud and bickering with Sean even during moments where he’s meant to be pretending to be cold and aloof under his mask. To Sean being White’s bravery, the one that unleashes the inspired, dreamer, idealistic child in him that wants to live life and chase what he wants and do what he wants. Which is what he needed for his character development, to be active in achieving what he needs and wants. They unleash these parts of their inner child, wounded and silenced for so long, only in front of each other and it’s beautiful.

The gang feigns the perception of maturity, pretending to be too serious, strong when they never had an opportunity to heal and be children and find themselves through trial and error. The world they’re in, is a life and death situation that they can't escape or make mistakes, or they will face dire consequences as shown by their mistakes made in episode 6.  They do act lost and dangerous because they lack experience, knowledge, and wisdom. So, it makes sense that their healing stems from the release of childish hope and mistakes when they’re with the person they love, but they are also growing and learning from those childish perspectives when they're with the right person. Like in episode 6, when White makes Sean grow up and realize how completely wrong his mindset has been and also how he poses a danger to his team and himself. By growing up and learning how to remove the blindness of vengeance, Sean becomes a more competent leader, actually effective, useful and life changing. And Sean was linked to making White grow up as well, realizing his privilege when he learns about Sean’s status when they first start living together, by pushing White and making him understand why they do what they do, Sean catalyzes White’s maturity and makes him want to be something more to protect both Sean and himself, but also the rest of the gang.

With the way they run into each other, White and Sean cause a collision of growth and power. They find their true selves, and ideals when they work together, they obsess over keeping each other safe uncontrollably, and they both humble and help lead each other to self-empowerment, love and trust. That’s why they are so incredibly written, a bit slow, but still so, amazingly planned and thought of.

Part 2

Part 3