#also I always struggled wishing someone a nice meal in English

[goldenchild]

180527 Official_GNCD: [#Golden_Child] [#지범] 스시 이타다키마스!! いただきます!! (Feat. 징징이) Translation: [#Golden_Child] [#Jibeom] Sushi Bon Appetit!! (feat. jingjingi) *note: He wrote itadakimasu in both phonetically Korean and Japanese

Translation by: Admin L @ gncd11 Please take out with full credit

[blackbat05]

I need a break

Shangqi x Reader (Platonic) 

A/N: I feel like I’m loosing steam towards the end of my placement and wow I have never needed a break this badly before. Perhaps a short Shangqi x Reader imagine where they are both University students. Seriously at this rate I’ll just be solely a Shangqi writer HAHAHA. Doing this on my phone because I don’t want to open my work computer. Let’s see where this impromptu idea takes me to. Hope you enjoy it and as always like and comment if you wish!

Genre: PG-13

Warnings: None really, just friends supporting each other! I guess there’s an inaccurate timeline if you look at the MCU but hey this is an imagine plus if you look at some of the wiki pages, Shangqi is actually born in 1998/1999. So appreciate if you’re kind enough to go with the flow to read this comfort fic! 

‘Y/N!’ Shangqi rushes to catch up with you after class. You made an effort to conceal your tiredness but he saw it right through. ‘Gosh…you alright?’

You think to yourself. Were you really alright? The answer was pretty obvious. You were ten weeks into your placement and your emotions were a jumbled up mess. Having to deal with work responsibilities was one problem, school assignments were another issue all together. At this point, you felt like you were just getting through each week for the sake of it.

At first, you believed that what you were going through was simply a transition to becoming an adult. You thought that naturally, you would be able to persevere through the stressful periods by yourself. But of course, it has been hard.

You were a social work intern at a neighborhood youth centre, thirty minutes away if you took the train and bus. The work was fulfilling in it’s own ways, but recently there were self-doubts filling your brain, if you were really cut out for the job in the future. If you weren’t, what else could you do?

As you sat with Shangqi in the school’s student-ran cafe, you found yourself pouring out the exact same concerns to him. Credit to him, Shangqi never interrupted your monologue, he just simply listened. That’s what best friends were for. That’s what you did for him to when he ran into issues with his family.

Even then, he couldn’t deny that hearing you doubt yourself broke his heart. He had known you since high school. You mostly kept to yourself and one or two close friends. Despite joining the school’s athletic team where you were one of the main athletes, you preferred to stay in the shadows unlike some of your teammates. That didn’t stop you from going out of your way to help other students in need; like helping the girl who was in an arm cast to copy the social studies notes, even if it meant you had to do it twice. Or maybe just talking to a friend who was stressed out about their results.

Basically, you had studied your ass off to get a secured spot at this university who were only one of the few that offered the degree. He remembers you telling him the moment you got your offer, ‘I’m finally good at something. I don’t have to worry anymore!’

Shangqi wasn’t stupid. The pandemic had done some crazy things. And by crazy, it affected the self-esteem that you had been working so hard on by participating in various projects and events, with you being in charge of a drama production that was promoting on mental health. That was a big deal considering that you were a major introvert.

Online engagement was never easy. In fact he has heard some of your struggles that you’ve shared with him regarding this and it only makes him admire you even more. For someone who preferred to keep to themselves, stepping out of one’s comfort zone, to take on a role that wasn’t just simply about helping people - that took guts.

‘I’m sorry I’m just loading you with all this. I just feel…’ You trailed off, suddenly becoming emotional again. Again, Shangqi does not pry. ‘That I can’t do anything right.’ You emphasize that you had ended the statement for you were unsure that you could keep your cool if you had tried to continue on.

‘If I hear you saying sorry another time,’ he chides, ‘you’re paying for our meal later.’ Your lips curved upwards slightly before returning to its somber position. Shangqi decides that a meal won’t cut it. He needs to deploy ‘Operation Y/N’. Standing up with your buzzer to collect the food, Shangqi whips out his phone. There will be a few changes for today.

Food was definitely a cure in this situation, but it was only a part of the solution. After inhaling your ramen at light speed, Shangqi tells you that today will be a different Friday. ‘And you can’t complain! It’ll be a weekend tmr,’ he tells you. So why not? You figured that even if you went back home early, your head wouldn’t be in the right place to complete the essay for your English module.

‘Hold up! The VR studio that Katy was talking about?’ You look at the tickets inside the taxi that was taking you and Shangqi to the location. ‘How did you even, it was so hard to get these tickets!’ From the time Shangqi met you outside the classroom, he had yet to see you so ecstatic. Until now.

‘Well,’ Shangqi gives his best shrug. ‘I called in a favor from a friend. Said that it was for emergency purposes.’ He raised his fingers to make connotations in the air much to your amusement.

‘Wow… just how much do I not know about you Mr Popular?’ You teased. Shangqi decides to leave the fact on him having to persuade the Wakandan Princess in giving him free tickets.

‘Please! I swear whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it! It’s for Y/N!’

‘Ey well why didn’t you say so? If it’s for that nice friend, of course!’ Shuri leaves the entrance of the compound, an exasperated Shangqi trailing behind.

Yeah, the VR studio that Katy told them about was also funded by King T’Challa himself. With stunning life like visuals thanks to Wakandan technology, the VR studio was located in a middle class neighborhood. T’Challa believed that no matter where kids came from, they should have the right to enjoy and to explore the world. For now, he wasn’t ready to share that he was on the way on becoming a full-fledged Avenger yet - you just had too much on your plate. He’ll just have to settle with this white lie.

‘Is Katy coming?’ You were on the verge of vibrating off your seat. ‘She would love this place!’ Even when you were struggling, Y/N still manages to think about other people. Today, Y/N will put her needs first.

As if to answer your previous question, you can see an equally excited Katy waiting for the two of you at the roundabout. ‘HEL-LO EVERYONE! LET’S GET OUR FRIDAY STARTED IN PROPER SHALL WE?’ Her loud voice had attracted stares, some very displeased looks too but at this point in time, you didn’t give a damn. Katy was right, it was time to enjoy!

You wished that you could slow down time, or even replay it continuously when you needed cheering up because the only thing you felt was pure happiness - euphoria even. Your stomach was in knots for laughing hysterically together with Katy when Shangqi jumped in shock from a surprise scare from a zombie. ‘I’m keeping that for leverage,’ she tells you, quietly slipping her phone into her fanny pack. 

The Wakandans had really outdone themselves this time. Your favorite VR was the paradise VR. Slipping the headgear, you say goodbye to the smiles of Katy and Shangqi, whisking away to a beach that oddly reminded you of your dream destination - Hawaii. From where you were standing, you were surrounded by green and majestic islands. Despite their sheer size, you weren’t intimidated. In fact, you were healing. 

Your mind was no longer in the room of the VR studio. How could it when the sun kissed your skin, giving you the much needed energy that you were lacking for so long? In the room, the two sees you kick your shoes to the side, going barefoot. It may have seem strange, but with the monitor beside you, your actions were perfectly logical. 

As a kid, you used to despise the prickly feeling of sand in between your toes. But now, you grew to love the sensation that each grain of sand had on your skin. It made you feel grounded, that everything was going to be ok. You raise your virtual hand to touch your face - were you crying? 

‘She must have been really stressed huh?’ Katy whispers to Shangqi who nods in return. How he hated the fact that you were giving so much to your work but still felt underappreciated. Forget the Avengers with superhuman abilities, you were the true MVP. The VR ends and you remove your headgear. ‘I’m ok,’ you automatically reassure them despite the dry tears left on both cheeks. You step down the platform slowly, trying to regain sense of the real world. 

What you didn’t expect was the two embracing you in a hug, squishing you in between them. Maybe that had set off the waterworks. For someone like Katy, she had sage advice.

‘Life can be pretty shitty right? But I’m so proud of you fighting it Y/N. Just remember that it’s ok to be weak. I mean, I’ve seen worse from Shangqi,’ she jabs her finger towards his direction, earning a glare from him. That’s Katy, always trying to add a bit of humor to this grey world. Calming down, you let go of the both of them. ‘Thanks guys, for everything.’ 

‘Hey,’ Shangqi responds, slinging his arm over your shoulder. ‘We’re friends, so we don’t leave each other behind.’ Phone beeping, he retrieves it to check the message. ‘And look at that, nice timing. Who wants Korean BBQ?’ 

Trailing behind them, you get an amusing view of Shangqi bickering with Katy on how many Soju bottles she’s allowed to order later. As San Francisco welcomed the night, you were just thankful that you had the two of them to walk through this crazy maze called life. 

‘Last one to the shop is paying!’ 

‘Oh you’re on Mister!’  

A/N: I really just think that this was also an imagine for me to cope too. So I can only hope to finish my placement/assignments/exams well! To anyone who does studies and work simultaneously, I fucking respect you (allow me to use expletives for now, these people deserve the respect). If you’re going through a stressful time, I hope this brings the slightest comfort for you and remember… YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Again, thank you for reading! 

[astormyjet]

Winter of 2018 - Summer of 2021 TIME FILES WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 20s!!!!

OH BOY. It’s been three years (or more) since I updated this. “Time is a weird soup!” to quote a fave. I guess I quit tumblr around the time there was a purge of content and creators and a smack down on a lot of the fandom communities. Tumblr has always been something of a crapshow though so I’ve been more productive with my time than I was in some ways, but I’ve also found other ways to waste my time. *cough twitter/netflix/youtube/MTGArena cough*.

General Life Achievements since 2018 -JLPT N3 GET in 2019! -Blackbelt GET in 2018! -TESOL 120 Hour and BE 50 Hour Cert from online provider GET in 2021 -STUDENT LOAN BANISHED (Thank you grandparents) -Survived Apartment flooding in early 2020. -Mystery anxiety related illness and chronic pain in my left leg from early 2020 - Present. -A mythical 6th and 7th year on the JET Programme. -Started posting on Instagram a lot more about my wanderings around Matsuyama/Uwajima. Mainly old buildings and stray cats. @astormyknight -Surviving so far in Japan with old rona-chan.

2018 was rough. I was given an additional school in the first semester (March to July) as we had someone find a better job. I enjoyed it, but it was a bit of a rough go especially when I was transferred that August after three fantastic years at Tsubaki JHS and ES and only a semester there. I legit went through the five stages of grief - which I think is another reason I stopped blogging. I was given my current base school along with four other schools. Going from 2(3) to 5 schools was a bit of an adjustment. I still feel a bit spread out.

That said, I keep running into teachers and students who were at the Tsubaki’s. The teachers shuffle around every April, so it's always a lottery with which new faces are going to be old friends (or enemies…). A couple of kids moved and transferred into my current schools from Tsubaki too. So I have one kid I can say I've been teaching for 6 out of the 7 years I've been here!

One of the kids who was in JHS 3rd grade when I first got here (in 2015!) hangs out around one of my favorite cafes, so I got chatting with him recently. He's in his second year of nursing school - his class nearly broke me in the first year, it was really a trial by fire with those kids. I was 22 then, and he’s 20 now, so it was interesting chatting to him about that first year of teaching. His younger sister was one of my favorite students too, she was in the group of kids that graduated in the March of 2018, the year group that went through Tsubaki JHS with me - they’re newly minted University students now!

This Thursday morning when I was cycling in to work, a kid who was 2nd year JHS when I left  (so 2nd or 3rd year JHS now) pulled up with their Mum in a van and got their mamachari out of the back to bike to school. The franticness of it all was hilarious. Their Mum legit sat on the horn until I pulled over. I was so happy to run into this kid, even at social distance and both of us late to work/school - because we both remembered each other and as they were going around the corners they were yelling each time they turned and humming the old elementary school directions chant and pelting me with questions about what I’ve been up to.

I've had so many students and schools now, that everything is kind of running into a blur. I remember flashes of kids faces and voices, random memories of in class or out of class shenanigans out of the blue. Also, I now, more than ever, have issues remembering kids' names, but I still know their faces (even with their masks), whose homeroom class they were in, who their friends were and which club they were in. I get random flashbacks to past conversations with them when I see them on the street or we run into each other. I feel bad because the first thing former students ask is ‘Do you remember my name?’ and I always have to be like, ‘Honestly, no, but I remember you did this on x day, x month in x classroom’.

Socially in 2018 -2019 - a few of our friends went home and things shook up a little. Our DnD group changed a bit - one of our players stepped into the role forever DM (THANK YOU RALPH). From memory the newbies were great - some of them just went home at the start of last month and it’s weird not seeing them around (JESS DO YOUR BEST!). I think we only have one or two people left from that rotation. There’s no 6th year ALTs, and only two 5th years.

Aug 2018 - Aug 2019 was the year of Hiura - my mountain school. Dang man, they were so cool. The students of the JHS and the ES combined barely hit 30, so each class was between 3-10 students depending on the grade. It was easier to get to know the kids, their abilities and their goals than it has been for me at other schools. I miss it so bad, being in nature once a week did my country-kid heart so good! The bugs! The frogs! The river! The mountain! The monkeys! The lizards! The dilapidated houses and hidden shrines!!!! The random crabs in the English room...I forgot that there was such a thing as freshwater crabs, and being right next to a river, the invasion wasn’t as out of place as I first thought...  

The area is so picturesque and calming. Every week up there was a small adventure (after getting over my motion sickness from the bus ride up). The kids were constantly pranking either myself or the main English teacher. There was always some new weird bug or lizard in a tank to be educated about. There were chickens on the way to the JHS that used to escape from their cardboard box prisons to run riot on the gardens. There were old people to freak out with my youth and foreignness! The kids also got to do a lot of extra classes, sumiyakai (making charcoal the traditional way), planting and maintaining rice paddies, setting up vegetable gardens, raising fireflies, conserving a special breed of fire lily (only found in this particular mountain valley) and another rare flower, wilderness training ect.

I wish I could have stayed there a lot longer but SOMEONE (read...the BoE) decided that schools had to be shuffled again(thank goodness the dude who has it now was able to keep it from the 2021 shuffle, he's the best fit for the school). I had so many good memories from there, I wish I had been more consistent in writing it down. I do have a bunch of photos and videos from there though, so that's nice. The only thing I don’t miss is the bus trip up and down - not only was it motion sickness, there was a healthy dose of fear each ride as the driver brought us perilously close to the edge of the mountain drop…

2019 - 2020 was interesting. With the school I got given instead of the Hirua’s I was roped into more demonstration lessons which was a lot of pressure because I was also involved quite heavily with the JHS observation and training lessons too. They were somewhat rewarding, the third graders are now super smart 5th graders, but the teachers  who need to embrace the new curriculum and ways of teaching really haven’t taken on anything from the lessons....

Outside of work as well, I was given the chance, thanks to an ALT buddy of mine, to join in with the local festival. It's been one of the biggest highlights of my time here, and I am gutted it’s been cancelled for the last two years, but I understand the reason…. I was able to travel to Okinawa too during that summer for an international Karate seminar with the Dojo I train with. I met the head of the style I currently practice and a bunch of people from around the world. I also got to see Shuri castle before it burned down. So that was a stroke of luck. One of the places I want to go when/if we get out of this pandemic is Okinawa. I want to see more of those Islands so bad. Just before the whole pandemic thing too - I managed to see the Rugby World Cup, a Canada vs NZ match, I even ran into Tana Umanga in Oita city!!!

2019 - 2020 was supposed to be my last year on JET, so I was frantically Job hunting. I went to the Career Fair in Osaka in early Feb/Late January 2020. I applied and got interviewed for a position in Sendai in early Jan 2020. In the end though - the Rona hit. We started hearing whispers of it around the end of 2019, then the cruise boats happened, and then Japan refused to cancel the Olympics...every holiday season there is a new wave of infections, my nurse friends in Tokyo are struggling....my teacher friends in more populous areas of Japan are struggling…

JET couldn't get new ALTs for 2020-2021, I took the extra year when it was eventually offered, as the one job I had managed to get a serious offer for was hesitating because with the rona setting in, things were uncertain. There was a lot of time spent adjusting to the new rules surrounding what we could do in class with the kids as well as textbook change. Schools shut on and off during the spring months. 

I also got a reminder of my mortality mid May with an unrelated illness which is still smacking me around a bit - stress/age, it does things to the human body it has no right to. It's only been in the last three months I’ve been able to exercise like I used to, I’ve put on a bunch of weight I can't shrug off (one part medication, another part diet) My relationship with food needs to change, and I really need a kitchen that allows me for more than one pan meals. I also need to figure out what to do with a left leg that is in constant pain from the knee down and a heart that misses beats when stressed out (mentally and physically…). 

My apartment also got flooded by the guy upstairs at one point, I spent most of late February/early March living in a hotel while my walls and floor got redone - I think this was one of the things that really stressed me out and kicked my anxiety right up a notch, it was right when things were getting REALLY bad with rona-chan in Hokkaido and schools were shutting down here as it was filtering into the prefecture and so Japan closed schools for the first time…

Classes in covid times have been weird. We’ve been wearing facemasks full time since the early stages of the pandemic (March 2020) - so I admit that I get a bit pissed off seeing both Americans and New Zealanders back home bitching about just having to start wearing them full time in public. I have asthma and have been suffering with the things on during the 30*C plus with high 90s humidity summers. Teachers were offered vaccines late July 2021, just days before the Olympics were open - and I finished my two shots in the middle of August. But the overall distribution and take up of the jab has been slow.  As mentioned above, we can't play a lot of the games we used to play with kids in classes anymore, and a lot of the activities outlined in the textbook curriculum need to be adjusted too, so we’ve had to be creative. We use hand sanitizer a lot more too. One of the things I miss the most though, is eating lunch with the kids.

Socially from summer 2020 - now 2021 we played a lot of DnD and board games, both online and in person when we could. There were no new ALTs again for the 2021-2022 JET year, and those of us who were in 6th year were offered a 7th. Four out of six of us took it. As a whole we’re down from a peak of 38 ALTs for Junior High and Elementary school to 22 for now. We hopefully will get a new person at the end of September, and 4 more in November. Which will bring us to 27. This has led to ANOTHER round of school shuffles.

Summer vacation has been weird the last two years. With rona-chan, we haven’t really been able to travel. All the summer festivals (all the Autumn and Winter ones too!) have been cancelled, so the changing of seasons just feels, wrong. I dunno. There is so much we all miss from pre-rona-chan, and so much that doesn’t happen that makes this just feel like one long long unending year of sadness, coldness, raininess, unbearable heat and repeat. I’m tired. Time is going so fast, but so.dang.slow.

I lost my favorite school (AGAIN GDI!!!) and gained the school I taught a semester at in 2019....I had my first day there on Wednesday. Schools actually started back on September 1st so there was some drama as the BoE didn’t communicate fast enough about our school changes. We legit got told on the 27th of August (on a Friday) our schools were changing effective September 1st, but somehow some of our schools found out on the Monday 30th August. In July we were told we would be changing schools at the end of September, so.a lot of ALTs and schools were left short changed, not having opportunities to say goodbye to co-workers or students/having their planning for the semester more or less thrown out the window too. I love my job. I really dislike the way the BoE treats us, the Japanese assistant language teachers and our schools.

The new school I have is used to having an ALT there twice a week, who plans all the lessons and executes them. I’m at three elementary schools. I'm only at each once a week, I want to plan, but being that I miss an entire lesson in between visits, it's going to be difficult to do so. Not impossible, but being that I'm already doing it for two other schools, who are at two different places in the textbook ah…….. From what I have talked to my new supervisor about though, it sounds like the teachers have taken on more of the lesson planning and I'll be able to contribute ideas when I'm there. I just want to and wish I could do more without being confused all the time. (This is all usually done in my second language too, not in English so extra levels of confusion and miscommunication abound).

 I feel like this at my JHS too a lot of the time. I want to contribute more, but even with constant communication with my main in school supervisor (who is a badass and pretty much on the same page about everything with me) I still feel about as useful as tits on a bull. Especially now that classes have been cancelled and or shortened, there's less time to do stuff. Any game or activity I plan is usually cut in favor of making up time in the textbook. When I'm in class, I'm back to being a tape recorder, the fun police and general nuisance.　

Also in the last week...my two of my schools were  shut due to students testing positive for the rona. This is the second time my schools have had a scare in the last 8 months. And by shut, I mean the students were all at home, but the teachers  all had to come into the office. Because why not I guess….. I mean,  the cases increasing is really not unexpected with the amount of people who were travelling over obon and the increase of cases due to the Olympics/Japan being slow on vaccinating/delta being the dominant strain/Japan's leaders doing relatively little except asking shops and restaurants to limit people coming in at one time and closing before 8pm. I know my schools weren't the only one shut either - but still High Schools were having their sports days this week. I kept on seeing groups of kids hanging in the park after, so that was a little bit nerve wracking.

It's just frustrating - we’ve been on half days to “minimize the risk of infection” for kids and teachers, as if only being at school from 8am through to 1pm is going to reduce the risk.  My schools have only just started testing out Microsoft teams and Zoom lesson equipment. Thankfully our school’s run in this time was contained real quick, the family was super good about informing us when they got their results back, and the fact they needed to be tested. The homeroom teacher and the students from the same class were the only ones tested, and they all came back clear, which was nice. But the information came back so SLOW. 

I’m a little irritated because I found out on Wednesday night what was going on, and even if I am vaccinated, I am super worried that I will end up being the covid monkey due to being at different schools three days out of five. I think other than being worried that I will catch it myself and get real sick, my biggest fear is that I will be protected from bad symptoms from the vaccine, but still be able to pass it onto some of my more vulnerable friends and students. The whole thing is a mess.  

Other than Covid and BoE drama, life is good. I’ve had a couple of other big changes - both fantastic and not so great, but yeah.  I have my health (and health insurance!) for now. I have a job, for now. I have a sense of existential dread for the next 12 months, but we’ll see where we end up. Life post JET is going to be way less cushy and I am TERRIFIED. I mean, I have a BA in Eng/Ling and no idea what to do with it…..because I am NOT suited for academia.

TLDR: Love my job. Don’t like the system. What is life? Future scary. 

[white-hemlock]

First post and first attempt at @drarrymicrofic . Prompt: love is a heartache

Also first fic in English (should have picked the prompt first time to do so but writing is still in process. I obviously struggle with the micro part) Hope you'll like it!

Love is a heartache. And it ached every time the phone rang, every time an owl came with a letter and every time someone knocked on the door.

Draco gave up pretty quickly, after only 8 months or so. But Harry couldn't. He kept hoping for the both of them, day after day.

It had been something like a year and 2 months when Draco finally said out loud: "Maybe we should stop."

They were at the park, watching after Rose while Ron and Hermione were both working on that Saturday morning. He didn't have to explain what he was talking about. Harry understood immediately.

"Those things take time, Dray. We knew it when we started this. Just be a bit more patient."

Draco saw the pain in his eyes and didn't insist.

5 months later, Harry flinched. They had just switched off the light and were cuddling before getting to sleep when he whispered: "Do you think it's because of my job? That being an Auror is considered too dangerous?"

Draco tightened his embrace and whispered in his husband's neck: "We both know you're not the problem."

"It's not fair, you never killed or even hurt anyone."

"Maybe not, but I have a filthy tattoo on my arm. And even if you are Holy Potter, that might not be enough to compensate. That and the fact that we are a gay couple."

Harry shivered, as if he were cold.

"What if nobody ever wants us?"

Draco wanted to say that it wasn't such a big deal. That the two of them was enough. But he knew Harry didn't feel the same way. So he simply told him to keep waiting, that some people waited even longer. That there was still hope.

On the day of the second anniversary of their file deposit, Harry received an answer to his demand for an update. It was still negative. And Draco decided that he couldn't bear his husband's disappointment anymore.

"Harry, I think it's time to let go."

Harry glared at him and snapped angrily:

"You’ve never wanted to do it anyway, did you?"

Draco didn't answer. He just stopped chopping the carrots in his hand and watched his husband as he slowly fell apart. Harry went on :

“I don’t know...what if it comes next week, next month? Would you accept to have been waiting for so long for nothing?”

“What if that day never comes? I don’t know how long I can keep up that way. Every answer is just…”

“Too painful?”

Draco nodded and Harry slowly came closer, hugging him from behind with a sigh.

“Alright. Let’s take a break.”

Two weeks later, they were having a family dinner with the Weasleys. Draco was a bit nervous as he always was at the Burrow. Molly was serving the potatoes when she asked:

“So boys, how is your research going? It’s been a while now.”

Silence dropped at the table as Harry’s smile faded away. He looked at his husband with a bit of despair. He didn’t want to say it out loud. So Draco answered for him:

“We decided to end it. At least for now. Those two years have been… demanding.”

There was a blank as no one knew what to do, or what to say. Molly’s eyes went wet and Hermione grabbed her friend's hand, telling him how sorry she was.

“I’ll do it.”

The voice, firm and determined, came from the other side of the table. Everybody was now looking at Ginny as she continued:

“Having a child would be nice but it’s quite incompatible with a professional Quidditch player career. And I'm not ready to sacrifice that! Plus the fact that I’m single of course. I would really like to have a kiddo calling me mummy... to spoil him when I see him while you two take care of all the boring educational parts. I know you would be amazing parents.”

Harry hoped again. Draco could tell by the way he clenched his fist on the table. But he didn’t rush to say yes and Draco was grateful for that.

“Are you sure Gin?”

“Yeah, I’ve been considering it for a while now. I see it as an absolute win-win scenario. But I didn’t want to impose myself. I don't wish for a child that much. However, since you didn’t find anyone the “formal” way… Maybe you could consider the option. No pressure though. I really can understand if you don't want to.” She paused before adding with a malicious smile and a wink. “ But in my defense, may I add that it gives you the opportunity to have one of you as a biological father.”

Harry and Draco looked at each other and Draco could already tell that Harry was a huge fan of the idea.

“That’s… a very generous offer. And I can’t thank you enough. But we have to talk about this before giving you an answer.”

He reached for Draco’s hand below the table and squeezed it.

Ginny replied with a wave of the hand: “Of course, take your time guys.”

And the discussion was over. Draco felt Harry’s impatience throughout the meal. It was only when he joined him in the garden to give him his cup of coffee while the others were preparing the backyard for a friendly Quidditch match, that he finally allowed himself to ask:

“What do you think?"

Draco sighed: ”I don’t know… I’m divided.”

He sat on a bench and took a sip of his own coffee before continuing, uneasy:

“The idea of being a father is terrifying in itself. But… raising your ex-girlfriend’s child? It’s a whole new level of scary…”

Harry sat down by his side, giving him the comfort of his warm shoulder.

“What if I make a terrible father? What if the two of you realise how great parents you make and go back together? What if I argue with her and she wants the kid back? Or she finds someone and decides to raise the kid herself? There are so many things that could go wrong...”

“Dray…” Harry took Draco’s hand in his own. “There are laws to prevent an adopted child from being taken away from their legal parents. And you know Ginny won’t do it, even if you have your disagreements from time to time. As for me… I won’t leave you and certainly not for Ginny. My relationship with her was brief and it was a long time ago. It didn’t work back then and it won’t work today. She's clearly not my type." He gave him one of his suggestive smiles.

"And finally, as I already told you a hundred times, you will be an amazing father. Of that I have no doubts and neither should you.” He ended up kissing the back of Draco's hand.

They remained silent for a while, Draco staring at his coffee.

"I'm scared Harry."

"I know, that's why you'll be a great dad."

Draco couldn't help but smile. He wanted to give Harry the answer he was waiting for but the words refused to leave his lips.

"Would it help if you were the biological father?"

Draco froze and looked at his husband as if he had suddenly become insane.

"Me?"

"Why not?"

There was so much confidence in Harry's voice. It never ceased to amaze him. He was speechless and he realised that he had never considered the possibility.

"Ginny will never agree."

"Give her more credit. If she had anything against the idea of bearing your child, she would have said it straight ahead. She will never admit it but she likes you and you know it."

"My child…" Draco felt dizzy at the idea. There was so much emotion in him that his heart was about to explode. It was a confused mix of hope and fear and excitement and pride.

Harry looked at him, his green eyes enlightened by an infinite amount of hope and tenderness.

"Our child?"

And love. So much love it twisted his heart. It felt hard to breathe.

He took a deep breath and squeezed Harry's hand a little stronger.

"Our child."

[kiwilana]

TouyaMight

sdkfjhsdkf listen don’t judge mE

this is a thread ive been writing on twitter since november,,,,, 

--------------------------------------------

     Pissing off his father always gave Touya the greatest thrill. To know he was the one to put the angry scowl on his face and the furrow between his brows, well, it brought him a sense of sadistic joy.

What? He deserved to give his old man shit considering all the fucked up shit he had to go through

So whenever an opportunity came up to fuck with the number 2, Touya took it. 

Painting over the billboards that had his dad’s face? Kids play. 

Ruining his costumes with bleach in very strategic areas? Amateur hour. 

Bulk ordering All Might Merch to his agency? Done and done.

So when Touya joined his father and siblings at the most recent Hero’s Gala and saw the number 1 hero was also in attendance well…. He couldn’t just /miss/ a perfect opportunity like this! It would practically be a crime!

Fuyumi of course knew him all too well, he could see her bee lining to him, and he just /smiled/ and gave her a jaunty little wave, ignoring her calling his name as he sidled up to where the number 1 hero was conversing with others.

Touya could practically feel the heat of his father’s stare as slides in close to the blonde, one scarred hand delicately placed on a deliciously muscular arm. 

“Hey, I don’t think we’ve met before this, the name’s Touya Todoroki, it’s a pleasure to meet you All Might.” Touya flashes him his best smile, a soft curl of his lips and a fluttering of his eyelashes. 

He knows he’s a sight, white hair styled back, slinky black dress with high slits, heels, and of course the multitude of burn scars covering a majority of his body. 

Endeavor had nearly blown a gasket when he showed up like this, it was only the fact they were in public that kept him from scolding Touya. 

“Young Todoroki! It is a pleasure to meet you! It’s certainly unfortunate we haven’t been able to meet before now, I do not often attend these sorts of functions!” All Might’s smile was wide and bright and Touya kinda wished he had a pair of sunglasses damn those pearly whites were shining in his eyes. 

“It /is/ a shame huh? We could always meet up afterwards, I know a few restaurants.” The temperature in the room rose by several degrees and Touya could hear his sisters groan and Natuo’s muffled snort. 

The conversations around them had fallen into startled silence at the fact the son of Endeavor, All Might’s biggest rival, had just asked the number 1 hero out. 

All Might could only stare at Touya in shock, the offer of a date was unexpected and the hero couldn’t fight the flush that burned the tips of his ears, “I appreciate the offer young Todoroki but unfortunately I will have to decline.”

Before the white haired man could reply Endeavor is there, large hand wrapped around the slim arm and pulling him away, face positively thunderous. 

“Maybe next time All Might!” 

Touya laughed even as Endeavor dragged him out of the event.

Mission accomplished.

--------

The argument Touya and Enji got into once they reached home almost made the spectacle not worth it. Especially when the argument got heated enough and accusations thrown around that Touya’s tenuous control on his quirk slipped. 

The dark burn across his arms didn’t even hurt, not really, and that was the bad part. It meant that he’d burned straight past a 2nd degree burn to 3rd and he was going to be stuck in the hospital /again/. 

He hated being stuck in the hospital, he practically lived at the goddamn place. The whole staff knew him since he'd been coming there since he was young, how fucked up is that. 

 The pitying looks as they gave while they looked over his burns and decided whether or not he’d need another skin graft were so fucking annoying. 

He hated all of it. 

If he snarked more at the staff then necessary it wasn’t his fault really. The place was boring and stressful and he hated being stuck here. 

There were never that many other patients for him to talk to, the hospital was a private one for top heroes and their families, so Touya rarely saw other people. Most of his day was spent chatting with doctors and nurses and bitching about the extra meal replacement drinks he had to take. 

So when he noticed the frail looking blond man, he couldn’t help but be interested. The man was sitting outside in a hospital gown, and Touya took a seat next to him. 

“Damn, what’d happened to you?”

At least the guy didn’t look offended, a win in Touya’s books honestly. 

No, the guy snorted a laugh and gave Touya a surprisingly soft smile that made the gauntness of his face soften and Touya couldn’t help the thought that he wasn’t bad looking when he smiled. 

“A fight with a villain unfortunately. He got a lucky shot in and damaged me pretty bad.”

“Damn that’s gotta fucking suck. Especially since you’re stuck in this boring as hell place now.”

That earned him another smile. 

“Oh I don’t think it’ll be that bad, after all you’re here no? The man who asked out All Might is quite interesting I think.”

“Damn, so you saw me get rejected! Well, then you already know me, what’s your name? Since it seems like we both might be stuck here a while.” “I am Yagi Toshinori, it’s a pleasure to meet you properly Touya.”

-----

The next time Touya meets Yagi several days have passed by. He finds the older man slumped over in one of the comfier chairs, IV line in his arms and he looks absolutely /miserable/. 

Touya can’t help but feel bad for the poor guy, he looks worse than usual, his tanned skin unhealthily pale and breathing laboured. 

So he settles in next to Yagi, arms and legs thrown over the arm rests of his chair. 

“Damn, you’re lookin’ worse today Yagi-san, what happened?”

The tall man blinks at his new companion, a small smile stretching across his face. 

“Ah, we’re trying a new treatment today and well… it’s a bit taxing. I’m afraid I won’t be very good company today Todoroki-san.”

“Ah man, don’t call me that, makes me feel like my brothers or dad. Call me Touya.”

“Touya-san then.”

Touya fixes his eyes on bright blue ones and grins, he thought it would’ve been more of a struggle to get the blond to call him by name. 

“Well, since you’re feeling bad, how about a story? Natsu and the nurses used to read me some when I was stuck in bed.”

He doesn’t even really wait for a response before starting.

“So you like, remember how I told you I asked out all might yah? Lemme tell you about it. So like, there’s this party, and dad wants us all to go because the public has been asking about his family and all that. And so I came to the party, dressed amazingly right. Like I got this bOMB ass dress. Dad nearly blew a gasket when I came in it."

Touya wiggles his fingers and arms, making motions as he tells his version of the events. The growing smile on Yagi’s face just made him be more dramatic with his storytelling and movements. 

-----

"And there he is. There's All Might. The big kahuna himself. And my little brain gerbils start moving. And I get the idea. ‘How else should i make dad mad today?’ And that’s when it comes to me. ASK OUT ALL MIGHT."

“Wait was this before or after you kicked the guy who whistled at you?”

“After- so anyWAYS-”

-----

"And then the car explodes."

"What????!"

"Okay not really. Figuratively. Dad burned the roof again."

"Okay so maybe a little literally? I dunno english is hard."

"Touya were speaking japanese"

"Fuck"

-----

By the end of the story they’re both laughing and Touya feels light and happy as Yagi chortles at the selfie he managed to take while being dragged out of the party.

It was nice to see Yagi smiling again instead of hunched in on himself in pain and discomfort. 

“Thank you Touya-san, your story really did help. You’re quite the story teller. I’d love to hear more of them from you.”

“Sure! I always love having a captive audience, it’s the drama queen in me. “

-----

Yagi is the one to find Touya next time. 

He finds the younger man pressed in a dark corner under a staircase of all places. 

He wouldn’t have even noticed him if he hadn’t heard the soft sound of sniffling, and his heroic heart couldn’t just leave someone that’s so obviously in distress alone. 

It's a bit uncomfortable to climb under the staircase to settle next to Touya, listening quietly to his sniffles. It makes his heart squeeze a little and Yagi has to fight the urge to give the younger man a hug. 

Touya eventually notices him, big turquoise eyes meeting his own blue ones, there's tears clinging to the corners of his eyes. 

“Do you want me to call your nurse Touya-san?”

Touya shakes his head, lips pursing together before he drops his head down onto his arms.

“No. ‘S okay. ‘S nothing they can do. ‘M not allowed any more pain meds until tomorrow.”

The confusion on Yagi’s face has the unscarred parts of Touya’s cheeks flushing. 

“I.. had some issues with getting a/ddicted a few years ago. They’ve kept a tighter control on my medications since then. ‘S kay tho. The pain’s not too bad.. I’ll get over it soon.”

“Then.. how about I tell you a story? Let’s see… there was this time when I was in America…”

By the time Yagi reaches the end of his crazy tale Touya’s smiling and laughing, pain forgotten for the moment. 

“Honestly Yagi-san! How do you accidentally steal a penguin!”

“Ah well! That’s a mystery not even I know! And I was there!”

The tears on Touya’s cheeks were from laughter this time, and Yagi smiled so softly, a big hand reaching up to gently brush them away from Touya’s cheek.

And Touya /leans/ into his hand, eyes fluttering shut as he pressed into the warm and calloused palm. 

Yagi can feel his heart race faster and his ears burn red at the serene face. 

“Thank you Yagi-san… will you tell me another one…? It’s.. it’s a good distraction from the pain.”

“Of course Touya-san.”

The two of them spend hours like that, sitting under the dark staircase, Touya eventually leaning against Yagi’s bony shoulder, eyes shut as he listens to the deep voice rumble out tales of his times in America. 

It’s how their nurses find them.

They’re practically frantic with worry considering the two have been missing for hours. 

They get scolded thoroughly and before they separate Touya wraps one hand around one of Yagi’s own and gives him another one of those smiles that makes the blond’s heart race. 

“Let’s have lunch tomorrow Yagi-san.”

“I would love that Touya.”

-----

It becomes a new part of their routine, meeting up together to have lunch. 

The both of them were on pretty similar dietary plans, both meals were full of high calorie foods. Yagi explained it was to keep his weight up as he adjusted to the loss of his stomach. While Touya told the blond that his quirk burned through his calories so fast that if he didn’t constantly eat he’d easily end up malnourished. 

They end up closer as the days turn into weeks. It wasn’t uncommon to find them together, sitting and chatting, even occasionally finding them leaning against each other, the fatigue taking hold as they napped against each other. 

You could say the nurses had a field day with that one and took quite a few pictures. And if Touya and Yagi might’ve asked for their own copies well.. That was their business. 

If Yagi had a picture of them tucked into his wallet no one needed to know. 

And if Touya had his tucked into his desk drawer, that was for him to know. 

Occasionally visitors would come for Yagi, a small old man, a rather plain looking man and occasionally a man he recognized as All Might’s sidekick, Sir Nighteye. Those days he wouldn’t see much of Yagi, his lunches were spent alone in his room craving the presence of the other man. 

Yagi asked him about it, the day after he received Sir Nighteye as a guest again, and asked him why his family never seemed to visit him. 

Explaining to Yagi that his father didn’t let his siblings come visit was… awkward. The frown that crossed the normally jovial blond’s face at his explanation made Touya feel…. Ashamed? Awkward? 

He wasn’t quite sure honestly, but his cheeks burned and he rubbed at the back of his neck, unable to look into those piercing eyes. 

So he didn’t notice when Yagi moved closer to him. 

Not until those bony arms were wrapping around him, pulling him into a gentle hug, his bony chin resting atop the fluffy white mess that was Touya’s hair. 

And Touya just /melted/. He slumped into those arms, cheek rubbing against Yagi’s shirt as he clung to the older man. He could feel the pressure building up in the back of his throat and had to blink back tears. 

How long has it been since someone’s held him? 

“It’s alright Touya. I’m here.”

The soft voice and warm hands resting on his back, it was enough, and Touya shook in those deceptively strong arms, soft sobs leaving him as his tears soaked into Yagi’s shirt. 

They spent hours like that, Touya curled in Yagi’s arms, the blond never letting him go, even when his tears ran dry. 

It was so warm.

Touya never wanted to leave his arms. 

-----

Then the day came for Touya to be discharged. 

He’d stayed in the hospital for over a month now. The skin grafts on his arms had attached properly and had healed enough that he could go home. Fuyumi told Touya that she’d be the one coming to pick him up, Dad was going to be at work and unavailable. 

She told him she’d be there after school let out. 

Touya felt something sink in his chest as the nurses removed his bandages for the last time. His arms were… hard to look at and he avoided it as he slipped on the loose long sleeved shirt. Touya packed away the few clothes he had, fingers pausing over the picture of him and Yagi sleeping against each other. 

His chest squeezed tight at the thought of leaving. He didn’t want to leave the blond man. Ever since that breakdown in his arms Yagi had been so kind, the blond man was always touching him, lingering touches on his hands and shoulders, bringing him into hugs more often. 

Touya didn’t want to lose that. 

He… didn’t want to lose what connection he had with Yagi.

He didn’t want the blond to forget him.

He….

He liked him. 

Touya had to find Yagi before he left. 

-----

It wasn’t hard to find him. 

When Yagi wasn’t in his room or with his nurses and doctors, it's a safe bet to say he’d be outside relaxing, and he was. Seeing him sitting there made Touya’s stomach flutter and fuck he felt /nervous/.

The smile Yagi gave him when Touya stepped towards him made his heart beat faster, he could feel his palms getting clammy with sweat. Fuck.Touya had never felt like this before. It was.. Overwhelming. 

“Touya! It’s good to see you!”

How could one man be so adorable?

“Yagi… you’re.. You’re looking good today.”

Touya could feel the nerves twisting up at his insides as he took the offered seat next to the blond, the hot cup of tea Yagi gently pressed into his hands helped ground him a little. He could do this. He didn’t know if there’d be another chance. 

“I’m being discharged today.”

Yagi’s smile shrunk and he sighed deeply, “So soon..? I’m going to miss seeing you. I’ve greatly enjoyed your company here Touya. It’s made my stay much more bearable.”

“Yagi. I…” 

Touya trailed off as those bright blue eyes stared into his own, and he couldn’t help himself. 

His scarred hands gently cupped sunken in cheeks and Touya leaned up, pressing his lips softly against the older man’s, just a soft press of their lips that made Touya’s stomach flip flop in joy and dread. 

“Yagi, I really like you.”

Yagi’s stunned silence filled the small courtyard, beautiful blue eyes wide with surprise as a bright flush grew across the tops of his cheeks. 

Touya thought he looked gorgeous. 

“I. Well, I ah, I’m flattered Touya but.. I am many years older than you. I’m older than your father.”

/That wasn’t a no./

“So what? I don’t care about that Yagi. You /know/ that. I like you. I really really like you. I want to spend more time with you Yagi. I want, I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you again, I want to eventually take you out on dates. I. If you really don’t, feel like that. It’s /okay/. I just. Fuck-”

He was rambling, his eyes squeezed shut and hands gripping his pants. Touya couldn’t put into words all the things he wanted. He just.. Wanted Yagi.

Larger hands gently wrapped around his own and Touya blinked watery eyes up, and Yagi was much closer now, mouth quirked in a small smile that made the white haired man’s stomach flip pleasantly. 

“Touya. Is this.. Do you really want this?”

“/Yes/.”

And those lips were pressing to his again and the dread in his stomach disappeared as those big hands held him so gently, like he was something fragile and /precious/, and Touya clung to the taller man, pressing kiss after kiss to his mouth. 

By the time they stopped they were both flushed and panting, lips swollen and wide smiles on their faces. 

“Well then, I suppose you should call me Toshinori now.”

Touya laughed and kissed the man again. 

“Whatever you say Toshi.”

[looselucy]

The Forgotten Family

February 10th Harry had hold of my hand under the table, thumb circling over my skin, acting innocent as we sat waiting for our food at PJ’s, enjoying a bright Sunday morning with Niall and Lincoln.

I was enjoying being so sly with him. Before, our secret had been locked within our homes, rarely pushing boundaries or acting at all suspiciously when we were out in public. I liked that we were now holding hands and our friends who were right there with us were none the wiser. “So how was your date last night?” I asked Niall. “C’mon. I wanna hear the gory details.” “Y’know what, it actually went well.” “What?” Lin cried. “Why do you sound so shocked?” “I don’t think you’ve ever been on a date that’s gone well!” He cried. “You usually come back with some hideous story and never see them again.” “Fair point.” Niall looked both smug and coy. “Oh shit.” Harry piped up. “You got laid.” “No I didn’t!” Niall cried. “Yeah you did, you got laid. I can see it in your devious little eyes. You got a shag.” Me and Lin waited for Niall to confirm it, Harry absolutely sure of what he was saying, and the look on Niall’s face seemed to say he was onto something. As we waited, our food arrived, our Full English Breakfasts being placed in front of us, Harry saying thank you on our behalf as me and Lin waited with wide mouths, whereas Niall was just smirking. “That’s the face of a man who got laid.” Harry said after giving my hand and squeeze before letting go and taking hold of his cutlery, ready to tuck in. “C’mon. Admit it.” “Fine. I did. You can see right through me.” He admitted. “Niall, what the fuck?” I squealed. “Tell us everything! I want details.” “Well, I was the bottom, and he-” “NO, not those details!” I stopped him quickly, Lin and Harry almost choking on their food as they laughed. “Just like… how the date went, how it all came to be. I don’t need… those details, thank you.” “We went out for food and then… It just went really well, and it’s been a long fucking time since I had a shag. He invited me to his for a nightcap and it just happened. Natural.” “Nice, man.” Lin spoke between mouthfuls. “So are you gunna see him again?” “Maybe not in a romantic way, but for sex, probably.” “I get that. There are very few chances of getting laid in Rosebury. It’s a downfall.” “Don’t you date?” Harry asked Lin. “Date who, exactly?” Lin sniggered. “Fair point.” Harry laughed with him. “But like… what Niall does. Someone from the next village over, or whatever.” “But Niall likes his dating apps and stuff, he’s good at that shit. I wanna meet someone in a really… organic way, as pretentious as that sounds. With apps and stuff, I feel like it’s forced and all about appearances and shit. I dunno, it just doesn’t appeal to me. I’d rather just meet someone, but it’s so rare. Can’t win.” I understood that completely, and I thought I would likely be the same if I was in his situation. Dating in a small village like ours was almost impossible. It was such a small area, a loving and familiar place; we knew old married couples and small businesses and everyone knowing everyone, and I suppose those ideals reflected in us across a lot of different aspects of our lives. “Yeah, I get that.” Harry accepted. “How’re you finding it?” Lin asked. “What?” “Being here. The lack of… options.” “Lin’s asking if you’re sexually frustrated.” Niall put it bluntly. “I was trying to be tactful about it,” Lin rolled his eyes. “But yeah, pretty much. It’s not like there’s a lot of options here, and I imagine you were doing pretty well for yourself in… the bedroom… before you moved here.” “He’s saying you’re sexy.” Niall put it bluntly once again. “Niall, you do not need to keep talking on my behalf. I’m sure Harry is perfectly capable of understanding what I’m getting at.” Lin chuckled. “He’s asking if you wanna fuck anyone.” Niall ignored him still, talking directly to Harry until Lin punched his arm, and then he backed down. “Maybe Harry doesn’t wanna discuss this stuff.” I tried. “There’s not much to discuss.” Harry shrugged it off casually. “I guess I haven’t thought about it too much. I’m not really… into dating, I never have been.” “I guess that helps.” Lin answered sensibly. “I bet you’re into shagging though.” Niall didn’t. “You’re not one for approaching things tactfully, are ya?” Harry laughed. “Never.” “Can we stop talking about sex over breakfast, please?” I asked, really wanting to avoid the conversation, then deciding to make the most of it. “It’s been ages since I had sex.” “Same.” Lin agreed. “Yup.” Harry lied along with us rather weakly. “Less than twelve hours for me.” Niall was ridiculously smug. “Be jealous.” Harry nudged my knee with his beneath the table, because it had actually been less than an hour since the two of us had had sex, so there was really no need for us to be jealous. I dropped my head, quickly trying to hide my smile by eating, nudging Harry back. I loved spending time with everyone. My friends were my world, and any time I could spend with them was a blessing, but at the same time, I was enjoying my alone time with Harry so much that even then, a few bites into our breakfast, I was already looking forward to being back at his place. We tucked in, thankfully no longer talking about sex, though I was definitely thinking about it. The bell for the front door chimed, my eyes instinctively shooting upwards, seeing Tom let himself into PJ’s, spotting us right away. We never saw much of him, really, especially without Sam by his side. He kept himself to himself and was the total opposite of a social butterfly, so it’d been months since I’d last seen him. I knew it wouldn’t be the best atmosphere. “Alright.” He greeted us awkwardly. “Alright, Tom.” Niall was the only one of us to answer. He was just about to walk past us to go to the counter, but then he stopped, right beside our table, right next to Harry, looking down to him and sniggering arrogantly, before he slowly moved on. Harry rolled his eyes and his shoulders, Lin looking over our heads so he could continue to scowl at Tom. “Fuck him, mate. Pay him no attention.” He huffed. “He’s always been an arrogant little prick that one. He’ll be on Sam’s side no matter what.” “But if he knew why I’d done it-” “He will know why.” I interrupted Harry. “But he’s a sexist fucking prick. He will not care. He’ll honestly think it was Sam putting me in my place, he won’t think anything of it, I’m telling you. The boy isn’t worth the breath.” “Don’t say that shit, Alfie.” He was losing himself in his own frustration. “I’ll get fucking worked up. Don’t tell me he’s like that because I’ll lose my head.” “I don’t know why we ever put up with him.” Lin groaned. We’d all put with him because I’d been with Sam, and I knew that. It was so strange looking back on my whole relationship with Sam and realising just how toxic it had been, and it wasn’t restricted to me. I hated that. I looked southwards, only able to feel down for a matter of moments, before my friends did what they always did and picked me right back up, even without meaning to. “Remember when Louis kicked him in the balls?” Niall tried to hold in his sniggers. “What?” Harry whelped, also holding in laughter. “Why’d he do that?” “He made a shit comment about my dreads.” Lin told him, tense over the memory at first before he thought of the aftermath, then he smiled. “Louis just went at him, without a second thought. As soon as he’d said it, it was like a magnet.” “He was almost sick, it was fucking hilarious.” Niall laughed. “Louis’ a fucking legend.” Harry sniggered. We all started laughing, and I looked over my shoulder to gage Tom, let him know that it was him we were laughing at, seeing how uncomfortable and uneasy he looked. He knew we were laughing specifically at him but he had no idea why and I loved it. He’d tried to make Harry feel small, and it had only wound him up for a couple of seconds before we’d gained the upper hand again. Not only that, we’d calmed Harry down, and that was important too. I think we were good for Harry. Even better than I knew.

“How is she?” I asked my dad down the phone, sat in Harry’s kitchen watching him make us a meal. “Not great. She had a big anxiety attack yesterday. She didn’t know who or where she was, completely freaked out.” “Shit. Is she okay? Are you okay?” “It was rough for a while, but it wasn’t too long until they’d gotten her sat down and then… she forgot that, too. She’s okay now, I suppose, just very quiet. Hasn’t spoken to me properly for a while now.” “Dad, are you okay?” I asked again. I couldn’t help but be concerned for him and his happiness. Every single day he was in emotionally taxing circumstances, exhausting and agonising conditions that must have been chipping away at him, no matter how slowly and no matter how strong he was, how strong their love was. He was such a positive person, but I knew how tired he must have been, how hard it would be to see the woman he loved disappearing before his eyes more and more every day. I just felt like he didn’t have anyone there looking after him, and he needed it. He might not have known it, but he needed support and strength from someone else and he could hardly accept it. There was only so much I could do from Rosebury, and I’d never been good at removing myself from the situation so I could simply be there for him. I struggled too. “I’m fine, Fee. Don’t worry about me.” “I can’t not, I just… It’s a lot for one person to take on, dad. That’s a lot for one person to handle.” “I’m used to it. I’ve been here for almost five years now.” “That’s my point.” I dropped my head into my hand, wishing there was a way that he could be fully happy, but it didn’t seem like it existed. If he wasn’t with her, he’d be unhappy, but being with her so much clearly wasn’t healthy for his heart. I thought maybe it would be better if he found some kind of middle ground, where he could give himself a break for a few days of the week, do something else and be somewhere else and get back into hobbies he’d once had, but after four years of the same routine, I felt like even that would be too much of a change for him to feel comfortable with. “Will you please come and see me soon?” I asked, trying to stop myself from crying. “But-” “You could bring her too, I dunno.” I tried. “If that’s what it takes, bring her. But you need to… get outside and do something different. Please, dad. Please.” “If she could leave the house that easily, I wouldn’t live here in the first place. To take her out for the day, I’d need a specialist nurse to be with us at all times, and that costs money, Fee! I can’t afford that right now.” “I will find the money, if that’s what you need. We’ll figure it out. But… I dunno, I really feel like you need a break. Give yourself a break, I promise it’ll do you so much good.” Harry left the food to approach me, leaning across the counter to pull my hand away from my head and push his fingers between mine, holding tight. My dad was quiet for some time, unsure what to say. I knew he was wonderful for what he did for my mother, but sometimes being selfish is showing your own heart the love it deserves when it can’t be offered by others, and he’d stopped doing that at some point. He'd been so busy taking care of her that he’d forgotten how important it was to take care of himself. I could tell he didn’t have a clue what to say, and I didn’t want to pressure him or fill him with guilt, so I decided to end the conversation, give him some space to consider what I was saying. “Just do me a favour and think about it, okay?” I sounded as defeated as I felt. “We could walk up Traits Hill, I could show you how the shop is, we could go to The Railway and just… have a day or two doing really nice stuff that we used to do. I think it’d do you a world of good, so just think about it.” “Okay, I will.” “Promise?” “I promise.” “Alright. Speak soon.” “Take care, speak soon.” I hung up and dropped my phone on the counter, chest aching, mind racing, now using my other hand to hide and prop up my face as Harry continued to squeeze the other, still looking at me. “Just keep pushing.” He encouraged. “If you don’t drop it, he’ll have to come back at some point.” “It’s just frustrating.” “I know.” “He can’t accept that it’d be good for him. He just can’t do it.” “I know, I feel your frustration, but… it’s hard, y’know… when people get into routines like that. All he needs to do is break it once, and he’ll see how good it is.” “I just don’t know how to get him to that point, he’s so stubborn.” I groaned, moving my hand and looking at him. “It’s shit because I’m finally at this stage where I feel better, and it’s like I’m trying to find this way where my family can be at its best and be happy, but it feels fucking impossible.” “Mm.” He dropped his head, seeming reflective somehow. I kept my eyes on him, witnessing him disappear into his own head, quite obviously thinking about my words and aligning them with his own situation. I bit at my lip, still unsure of his boundaries and whether he needed a push or if I should just wait it out, wait until he was ready and he spoke off his own back, but I worried I’d be waiting forever. “You wanna talk?” I asked calmly. “No.” He replied swiftly. “You sure?” He let go of my hand, nodding slightly as he headed back over to finish cooking for us, his mood having changed rather rapidly. I had no intentions of pushing him; all I’d wanted him to know was that if and when he was ready to speak, I would listen. All I had wanted was for him to be aware that I would accept any section of his soul that he chose to share with me. I sighed, maybe a little too loudly, dropping my head and messing on my phone for a matter of seconds before he snapped. “Y’know it’s fucking weird,” He scowled miserably, abandoning the food once again. “The way you lot are with each other, how you share everything. It’s fucking weird, and not everyone is like that. Not everyone has to talk about what they’re going through and how they’re feeling all the fucking time with every single person.” “When did I ask you to do that, Harry?” “I’m just saying!” He carried on. “I don’t wanna talk about it, that’s way out of my fucking comfort zone, so leave it!” “I didn’t push it!” I cried, wishing I could have kept calm but his raised voice made that difficult. “All I did was offer, and if that is enough to make you flip at me like this, then fine, I won’t fucking offer again.” “Good, don’t. I don’t need to talk. I don’t need your help. Just drop it.” “Fine.” I felt awful. I hadn’t wanted him to feel that way, and suddenly I was questioning all of it. I was wondering if he actually had felt any better about opening up to me about his father or if I’d just told myself he did, convinced myself it had been good for him when actually he’d been feeling bitter about the whole thing. And I didn’t like arguing with him. I didn’t like seeing him worked up, because even at the times where I’d gotten worked up at him, he hadn’t gotten like that, like he was angry at me. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’d seen him angry, but I didn’t want to be the source of it. I understood it was all very sensitive for him, but I didn’t want to find myself in the firing line whenever the mere mention of families or being open came up in conversation. I had lost my appetite. I got up to my feet, through the door to the living room by the time he’d caught on. “Fee-Fee, what’re you doing?” He asked, sounding weary, already well aware it was him who’d driven me away. “M'not hungry, I’m just tired. I’m going for a nap.” “Please stay and eat with me.” “No.” I simply replied. I headed upstairs, hearing the clattering of cutlery as though he’d just thrown something in a outburst, but I didn’t want to stay downstairs and continue arguing with him, or put up with his annoyance. I knew this was all new to Harry, all of it. Not just the sharing himself, staying in one place and being so settled among a group of people, but even this sort of relationship we’d found ourselves in. I knew he didn’t know how things were meant to be or how to handle himself and the feelings he was experiencing, but he should have known under any circumstance that that was not the way to speak to anyone. I didn’t want him yelling at me and scowling, talking down to me and treating me like I’d really crossed a line when I couldn’t possibly know where the line was or what he considered crossing it. I went upstairs and climbed into bed, kidding myself if I genuinely thought I’d be able to sleep it all away.

The sun was bright, bursting through his bedroom window as it began to set, warming his room and softening the atmosphere. I lay reading, not having heard very much from Harry over the past hour or so, however long it had been. I thought he might leave it for the night, just to prove a point, but when he quietly pushed his bedroom door so it would creak open, I felt incredibly relieved. I hated being on bad terms with him. He stood in the doorway, chewing anxiously at his bottom lip at the same time as trying to shoot me an apologetic smile. I placed the book down. “I’m sorry.” He said. “I dunno why I snapped at you, I’m sorry.” “I don’t wanna argue with you, Harry. And I’m not trying to push you.” “I know.” He dropped his head. “It’s just… everything with my family is such a fucking mess. I get… I get kinda pent up about it, and I’m sorry. You’re the last person I wanna take that out on.” I nodded, lifting up the sheets as an invitation for him to join me, and he seemed almost shocked that I had. Looking reassured and thankful, he removed his clothes until he was in his underwear and then got himself into bed with me, clambering over to me to land on my side of the bed since I had occupied his in his absence, the two of us tucking ourselves close together. I caressed his cheek, sensing the way he soothed beneath my touch, kissing the tip of my nose. “I missed you.” He told me. “It’s only been a few hours.” I giggled. “Yeah, I hated it.” He grinned, making me laugh even more. “Can we not fall out again, please?” “You’re cute.” I bustled. “Okay, no more fighting.” “Ever?” “Depends. We’ll both have to be on our best behaviour.” He smiled, taking my jaw in his hand and pulling me that little bit closer so that he could kiss me, only for a moment. He looked over my face, speaking softly. “Can I talk to you? About… About my family.” “Only if you want to.” I whispered. “I wasn’t annoyed because you didn’t wanna talk, Harry, it was more the way you… handled the situation.” “I know that, I’m sorry.” “You don’t need to keep saying you’re sorry. I’m just saying, I’m not rushing you into talking.” “Alfie, I know.” He chuckled like he thought I was foolish to think that way. “I… I want to talk about this stuff with you, I do. I just… I find it so hard.” “Why do you think you… struggle so much?” He took a deep breath in, still with his face mere inches from mine, looking right at me, appearing strangely confident considering. His voice didn’t sound quite as assured. “I think it’s… after everything that happened with my dad, and what that did to us. My dad struggled to open up too, and I guess I’m like him in that sense. And then with me moving about so much, and… removing myself so much and not making friends and… everything. It’s just everything. I’ve had like, the opposite of what you grew up with.” I’d always had people to rely on. I’d always had a solid network of people around me, a sense of home and familiarity and trust, not solely in my friends and family, but even the whole village. I had always been aware of my luck when it came to how blessed I was to grow up there, to have the support I did, but I suppose hearing Harry word it so plainly then put it into perspective further. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like for him, because it was so different to how things had been for me. “Do you… find it easier talking to your mum and brother?” “Well, my brothers in prison and my mum doesn’t want anything to do with me, so…” “What?” I cried, alarmed, distancing from him in shock. His confidence dwindled then, turning to face the ceiling and placing his hand across his forehead, pinching lightly at his temples. I didn’t know what to think, what to expect. “How? Why is… What? Why wouldn’t your mum want to see you?” “I fucked up. I fucked everything up.” “How?” “After my dad died… I think trauma either ties people together or tears them apart. For us… We couldn’t find a way to be stronger. It broke us. It fucking broke us.” I understood that, because in ways, losing my mum in the way we had, it broke me and my dad too. I was still trying to fix the damage it had done and that way I’d handled it for the past few years. It seemed Harry’s situation with his family was one that they hadn’t been able to heal. “Jack, my brother, he… He couldn’t seem to move on. I think because he was the one to find our dad, it was harder for him. As he got older, he became hostile, angry. He changed. I dunno, I guess I found my comfort in art… a-and music and literature, but he couldn’t do that. And it was… me and my mum who he could take his anger out on.” I hated that they hadn’t been able to find a way of healing together. I hated the thought of a loving family who had once protected one another, looked after one another and done all they could to keep one another fighting and happy, had fallen apart when they deserved to be happy. They deserved to find their peace. All I had known of his brother before this was that he had sheltered Harry from a sight that would have scarred him deeper than the loss of his father had anyway. It was heart-breaking to think that in time, their loss had shaped him so harmfully. “As he got older, it went from him being just a difficult kid to him… being violent. First with other people, kids at school, strangers who pissed him off. Then when he got older still… I think he was like sixteen the first time he hit our mum.” “What?” “Knocked her cold out.” “Why?” “Over something or nothing, I can’t even remember. I just remember seeing red and trying to make him stop, but he was so much bigger than me then. It wasn’t… a constant thing, him being like that, but it was like every few months something tiny would happen and he’d flip and if she was there, or… It was me a few times too, but usually her.” “That’s awful. I… I understand him struggling but… I don’t know how he could turn that round on the two of you. You must have been the only ones who could understand.” “I think it’s easier to take out your anger, your pain... on the people you love.” He sighed. “I dunno if it’s a subconscious thing, that hope that they’ll always be able to forgive you. That the love is strong enough to make everything forgivable.” “And was it?” He looked so broken even thinking back to all of it, slowly shaking his head. I stroked though his hair, whispering that I was sorry, already so proud of him for how well he was doing. “That was when I started working out. I dunno if it was necessarily with the thought of fighting back, but at least… being stronger. I hoped he would back down. By the time I was like, seventeen, I was in pretty good shape.” “Did he stop?” “No, he got worse. He’d been kicked out of college, not accepted into any uni’s, so he was stuck. Then when I got accepted into uni, that just pissed him off even more. We started fighting and… it just gradually kept getting worse until we all reached breaking point.” “What happened?” “I think… I snapped. I saw him hit her one day, and I snapped.” He was getting worked up, rambling. “I just snapped, I-I… I don’t know what happened, but I snapped and I couldn’t stop and-” “Harry, it’s okay! Stay calm for me, okay?” He took a few seconds to gather himself, tears forming in his eyes before he managed to bluntly say what had happened, why he was so worked up. “I almost killed him, Alfie. I didn’t mean to, but… I completely lost myself. I just kept hitting him over and over and… I… I beat him within an inch of his life. I’m so fucking glad I stopped because if I hadn’t… I fucked up. I fucked everything up.” I didn’t know what to say. I felt sick over the thought of Harry doing that to another human being, especially someone he’d once had so much love for. He seemed categorically ashamed, the scar of the memory more garish than the scars on his hands. He was crying, heavily, not even able to look me in the eye as he continued. “I broke his nose. His collarbone. He was… a mess, and I did that. I hate it and I hate myself for it but I did it. I did that to my own brother.” I sat myself upright hoping it would cease the curdling of my stomach, running my hand through my hair, trying to swallow the information he’d just shared. I had always had some idea that the situation with his family wasn’t stable, due to his views on families, how lonely he was, how he’d spent however many Christmases on his own. I knew things weren’t right, but I hadn’t been expecting that. He sat up with me, hysterically reaching for my hand, his tears falling heavier. “Please don’t be scared of me.” He pleaded. “M’not scared of you.” I shook my head, grasping at his fingers in the hope of reassuring him, sedating his sorrow. “I’ve changed so much since then, I’ve learnt. I’m not… I don’t do that. I’m not like that!” “Okay.” “You have to believe me.” “I… I want to, but what happened with Sam-” “I know, I… Fuck, I lose my temper sometimes and I know I shouldn’t but… I’d have never taken it that far. I wouldn’t make that same mistake again. I promise. Please, please believe me.” I believed him. Despite the evidence I had that should have probably made me think otherwise, I believed him. I was aware that his temper could get the better of him sometimes, and I thought that may be another reason he ran his classes and why he exercised in the way he did. I thought back to those times I’d seen him in his gym working out on his own, taking that energy out on punch-bags rather than people, and I felt that was his release. It was all just so overwhelming to hear. He squeezed my hand tighter, continuing frantically. “I was a stupid, heartbroken kid! I took all of it out in those fucking moments rather than… dragging out it over years, like Jack had. I kept it all in and then I just broke and… This is why I hate fucking talking. I hate trying to deal with my emotions because I’m scared that I’ll just snap again and deal with it horribly. I-I’d rather just numb it.” “That’s the exact reason you need to talk, Harry!” I cried. “You can’t let it all build up. That’s what makes you snap. It’s not the dealing with it that hurts you, it’s the bottling it up! Look at you now, look how well you’re doing!” He just about nodded, reaching up to wipe his tears away. I helped him, cupping his cheek and using my thumb to clear his damp skin. I didn’t want him to feel any more guilt than he clearly already did, I wanted to show I was there supporting him, not judging him or fearing him. Even when he was quiet, it was somehow still clear that he’d come a long way since his teenage years; he was kind, thoughtful, gentle, far much more protective than he was violent. Even those situations where he had completely lost himself, it always seemed to be for someone else’s benefit rather than his own, it was always in an attempt to protect someone else. I wanted him to feel better, not worse. I had to be as understanding as I could be. He was trembling, looking down to our hands as though seeing our joint fingers was calming him. “What happened after that?” I asked gently. He wiped away a few more tears, laying back down with a heavy thud, staring up to the ceiling. I looked down to him. “My mum kicked us both out.” “What? Why you?” “After what I did to Jack, she thought I was as bad as him, and… I don’t think she was wrong. She was scared of me. Nothing I could do.” “Where did you go?” “I stayed with a mate for a few weeks, but then I went off to uni. Kinda started a new life.” “She must have forgiven you by now.” “I don’t think so. I think… I think I fucked up, because I left and… I didn’t try, y’know? I didn’t… reach out to her, I didn’t apologise… I didn’t do anything. I just left it, because I was scared and I felt so bad so I just tried to forget the whole thing. And then the longer I left it, the worse it got and I felt like I couldn’t and… I just handled it all so fucking terribly and then I felt stuck.” I suddenly understood why it was that Harry had been so fixated on me repairing things with my own mother and father. I felt like he’d almost projected his own failings onto me, in the kindest way possible. “When I finished uni… I tried. Four years later, I went back to the house where we used to live, but she’d gone. I don’t blame her. We had so many… horrible memories in that town, that house. I think she wanted a fresh start, so she left.” “I… I just can’t believe she never tried to reach you.” “She couldn’t! I didn’t have the same number I’d had. She didn’t know where I lived in London at uni, and then after that I moved around too much. She wouldn’t have known how to find me, so like… I dunno if she tried. I hope she did, but then I dunno if it’d actually make me feel worse.” “Have you tried to reach her?” I lay back down with him. He nodded, taking a little longer to form his reply this time around, seeming almost nervous about what he was about to reveal to me. “This house… This is where my mum grew up. She was born here in Rosebury.” “What? Are you serious?” “Her mum died in childbirth, and she lived here with her dad. I never met him, he died when she was quite young. She went into care, had to leave here, but she always wanted to come back. She used to speak about this village, this house. She always wanted to be here. Her and my dad spoke about it, but with him being so ill… I think they were scared of the change, what that would do to him, so they stayed in Lytham. That’s where I grew up.” “Holy shit. That’s why you moved here.” I spoke absently. “That’s why you thought being here would bring you peace. What the fuck.” “The room, upstairs, the one you saw,” He went on. “It’s her room. The house was abandoned when her dad died, and it hadn’t even been touched since she lived here. I dunno why I kept it like that, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t bring myself to paint over the top of it. Some of her happiest memories are in this house and I just wanted to keep… some of its history alive. That’s why I’m so… touchy about it.” When I’d first found that room, I’d asked him if he had a child because there was that impression that it was a child’s room, and now it made so much sense why I’d jumped to that conclusion. I’d thought the peace he was talking about before was simple peace and quiet, somewhere quant and calm and different to the other places he had lived before. The peace he sought was so much more complex than that. “You bought the house for her.” I whispered, and he nodded. “I thought she might live around here. I thought maybe I’d find her here, but…no joy.” “Have you managed to contact her at all?” “When I first got here, I wrote to her. I hired some guy to find out where she is, and I wrote to the last address she was at, a few weeks after I moved here. I told her how sorry I am, that the house is here for her if she wants it. She… She never replied.” “She won’t have seen it. If she had, she’d have replied, I know it.” I had a gut feeling about it. I could understand that things got difficult and complicated and why she’d resorted to kicking the two of them out of her home, but I couldn’t accept the fact that she still didn’t want contact with him. They’d had years to recover and learn and I just knew that if she could be in touch with him, she would. He didn’t look convinced. “Have you spoke to anyone in Rosebury? Anyone who remembers her or her mum and dad? There are people who’ve been here all their lives, they’re bound to know her.” “What difference would it make? They wouldn’t know where she is now.” “But maybe they’d know her, and it’s a start! Do you have a picture? What if she visits? What if I’ve… seen her!” His eyes filled with hope for a few seconds, considering what I’d said. He moved quickly, clambering off the side of the bed to retrieve his wallet from the pocket of the jeans he'd been wearing, routing through to find a picture he stored there, one of him and his mother, arms around each other, smiling, happy. Gently, I took the picture from his hands, sitting back up and looking over the image to see if I could gather any sort of memory to attach to the woman. She was small, slim, short and light brown hair that didn’t even reach her shoulders. I was trying. “What’s her name?” “Julia.” He told me, watching my face. “I… I’m not sure. Nothing’s… coming to mind, I’m sorry.” I passed the picture back to him slowly, seeing how disappointed he looked whilst taking it back and placing it back into his wallet. “S’okay. Long shot, wasn’t it.” “Mm.” I kept my eyes on his face, wanting to cheer him up as much as possible. “She’ll want to see you, Harry. You made a mistake, she’ll see that. You’re so different now.” “I dunno. I hope so.” “I… I can’t believe you bought a house for her.” “I want her to be happy and I know this place makes her happy. Everything was so hard for her, with my dad and then me and my brother. I really want her to be here. You probably think it’s stupid-” “I don’t.” I cut him off firmly. “At all.” He had such a big heart. It seemed his whole adult life was shaped around trying to make things right, trying to make amends for his wrongs and trying to do everything he could for others. For too long, his life had revolved around pain and hate, and he’d done what he could to make sure that the life he built on his own was focused on love and support, even with how much he struggled to open himself up to others. I was utterly infatuated with him. “When the last time you saw your brother?” “I visited him in prison.” “Why’s he there?” “Burglary.” It seemed his brother hadn’t been able to learn and develop in the way Harry had, instead he’d stayed on that dark path, unable to find the light. “Are you on… better terms at least?” “No. I tried but… I think there’s too much anger there. He didn’t wanna see me, so… I left pretty quickly. I haven’t bothered to try since. I think that was like a year ago.” “I’m sorry.” “Some relationships can’t be saved.” “I hope that’s not true, but… I get why you feel that way.” He threw his wallet to the bottom of the bed, laying himself back down, miserable for a few moments before he spotted my smile. I couldn’t hold it in. “Why’re you smiling?” He asked. “I’m really proud of you, Harry. For… talking. I’m proud of the person you’ve become. And I know your mum would be too, so… keep looking. Keep trying.” Managing a smile in return, he ticked his head back so that I’d join him. I placed my chin on his shoulder once I was horizontal, kissing his cheek before he turned his head to look at me, raising a hand to brush the backs of his fingers against my cheek. “She might not be here,” He hushed. “But at least you are.” “I’m proud of you.” I whispered back to him, blushing brightly. He kissed my forehead sweetly, pulling my body a little closer to his, his own body finally relaxing. I was obsessed with the couple we were becoming, however slow our progress. There was a wonderful trust between us, an excitement and a delight that I had not felt previously. We were a secret and we were strong and we were good for each other. We were so fucking good for each other. He held me close, lips lightly tracing my forehead as he spoke. “Thank you, Fee-Fee. My world seems a bit softer with you in it.”

[shellyscribbles]

Stream of consciousness

Thinking about marriage and my values.  I read an argument on twitter about abortion this morning.  There was a woman who is married, pregnant with a wanted child but a difficult pregnancy.  She said it made her understand that no woman should be forced to undergo that against her will.  

How is it possible that someone could think that?

I have migraines with auras. I can’t take combination birth control that mimics pregnancy because I would have a migraine for weeks on end.  So, while I have not been pregnant, I do not really expect it to be the best time of my life.  I still want children.  I would never terminate a pregnancy if I could help it.  I don’t think my comfort is the goal of life.  I tried it.  I would rather struggle and suffer and do something worth while than waste all my time chasing down comfort.  

I feel like that is missing from society, the notion of suffering.  We want to eradicate it at all costs.  We must give people free stuff because they are poor; they are suffering.

We all make choices in life and while I believe in compassion, I don’t think hand-outs do the soul of a person good.  I think that’s why people get stuck on welfare.  People need opportunity and maybe guidance to make better decisions.  Just giving someone something because they don’t have it doesn’t take into account whether or not they are responsible for having nothing.

I made choices when I was young that resulted in me being a bit delayed in self-sufficiency.  Granted, I was never fully comfortable with the notion of being some career woman who made a bunch of money and lived in a big house alone.  While I did desire to run my own business at one point, maybe I will in the future, I understood I would be in debt for a long time before succeeding at it.  When I got married the notion of doing anything to put us into debt pushed that idea back.  

But back to being young, I worked a dead-end job for years.  I lived with my parents going to a junior college with no real aim and working this job.  For years. Seven of them.  It wasn’t until one of my teachers whom I had for four different classes finally noticed I wasn’t going away and pulled me aside and asked what my plans were.  I realized I didn’t really have any.  I wanted to be a worship leader, so I was taking music classes, but I hadn’t really thought of getting a degree.  So, we looked at my transcript and found the first degree I could get.  Music History. 

I became a full-time student after years of taking two classes at a time, and realized that I didn’t want to study music.  I love music. I love singing and I still plan on leading worship, but I have learned worship isn’t about musical skill.  A good worship leader has a strong relationship with God, not a fancy degree.  Plus, I hated those two years of grueling work to get that degree.  

With music ruled out I then found myself without a path to follow.  What would I do if I wasn’t studying music?  I remembered being young and all the little businesses I tried to start and so I registered for some business classes.  I love accounting.  I fell in love with business.  I wanted to study accounting, but I ended up really behind in an application and got rejected to the closest school with an accounting program so I looked at the other close university and picked the closest thing, management.  

I have doubled my income from my dead-end job and I now have promotion options available to me if I say the word.  But now I am married and hoping to start a family soon and I have zero desire to be working full time while trying to be a wife and mother.  My boss does it and she is amazing, but she also lives with extended family and has a massive support network as well as a different mindset than I have.

As I look back on my life to this point, I have always wanted to be married.  That has always been priority one.  It took me 28 years to find my husband.  Well, I met him when I was 17, but I was 26 before we began dating. But even when I discovered accounting and toyed with the idea of being a big wig accountant, I had a check in my heart. How would a family fit into that? Would I be okay with paying someone else to take care of my kids?  Would I be okay with delaying it?  Would my future husband be okay with that choice?  Would I want to marry someone who was okay with that?

I think ultimately the accounting path was not truly what I wanted.  I think I meandered through school because none of it was really what I wanted.  I wanted a family.  No one really expresses that as an option for women.  We are supposed to pick a career path, no a life path.  Would I have made different choices if I had thought of what I really wanted when I was young?

I think the one time I was on the right track with regards to school was in high school.  I was looking around for schools with good English programs because I wanted to be a writer.  Not really sure why I didn’t take that route.  I guess I am glad I didn’t, I do like the skills I have acquired throughout the years, but sometimes I just wonder why I made that choice. Now that I think of it, I started the junior college meaning to study computer networking and then I learned that I would have to run wires and that sounded like no fun at all.  

I think I started really seeking to be comfortable while I was caring for my grandmother.  She had a heart attack and we discovered she had pretty advanced Alzheimer’s as well.  We knew when we went to the hospital to see her that she could not live alone anymore.  My sister was just newly divorced with a plethora of obstacles of her own to deal with.  My parents both have pretty hefty health constraints, plus they have their own home that isn’t quite designed for an elderly person to live in.  Grans house was specifically designed with convalescence in mind because of her husband who often used a wheelchair due to his health issues and experimental surgeries to correct it with no success.  Given the fact that I was 26 and still living with the parents, plus I went to school where my grandmother lived, I was the perfect option.  

When I moved in with my grandmother, I was terrified.  The first night I remember getting there, gran was settled into the din on the couch where she loved to lay and I sat in the living room on the green chair and my dad started to head out.  He gave me his friend’s number that lived around the corner so I would have someone closer than twenty-five minutes away.  Then he left.  I sat there thinking of the vest the hospital had given grandma which was supposed to shock her heart back into rhythm if it stopped.  It felt like her life was in my hands and I wanted to cry thinking of how I hadn’t even taken care of myself on my own, now I had another person to care for.

I think I took to it fairly well.  It was difficult to not be alone in the way that one is not alone when they live with someone with dementia.  She was afraid and always needed to know where I was.  I had to prepare all of the food, keep the house up, keep the bills paid (granted not with my money, its different doing that with your own money haha), keep gran clean and entertained.  My sister would tell me it was like having a child and I would get so frustrated because I was watching her die not grow.  She knew less at the end of each week.  It was getting increasingly difficult, not better.  The only reward was knowing that I got to show her that she was loved which is something I always wanted for my grandma.  She lived as a widow for thirty years and I wanted her to know she was a treasure.  I got to show her that.  

But it was so hard.  I experienced depression for the first time in those two years.  It’s ridiculous how all day all I wanted to do was sleep and as soon as it was time to sleep, I would become incapable of it.  I would be up until 2 or 3 in the morning watching Netflix, mostly because it was better than laying there thinking about everything.  I wanted anything to make the weight of it lighter, the pain of it less.  I was relieved when it was agreed in my family upon my engagement that I could not bring that stress into my new marriage (there is that instinct I had again, the marriage was priority and I needed to protect it). Gran was moved into a care home on the first day of the month my husband and I were married.  For twenty days I had the house to myself with the exception of my family getting an estate sale together.  The property is in a trust and it was agreed it would be best if my husband and I could move in and keep up the house rather than sell it or rent it to strangers.  

So, then I was married. I had everything I wanted.  It was amazing.  Now I was running the house with my own money and it was so real.  It was nice having the advantage of I knew this house; I knew these bills.  It was nice. It was kind of too nice.  I suddenly felt aimless again.  What now?  I even felt like a bad Christian.  I struggled to read and pray.  I still just wanted to be comfortable, I took no risks.  

I think the struggle and my realization that I have a selfish streak, exacerbated by that period of depression, came when my husband began to mention his interest in going into law enforcement as well as our discussions of beginning a family.  I slowly began to realize that I don’t get everything I want when I get everything I want.  Supporting my husband as he goes through the academy is difficult.  I work over thirty hours a week while keeping up the house and yard on my own as well as the meals.  I don’t always want to, it isn’t always fun, it isn’t always appreciated as I wish it were, but its right.  Its good.  It’s working to get us through to when he gets his full job and we become able to support a family with me not working over thirty hours a week.  

I got on this train of thought because of a pregnant woman saying women should get the option of abortion because pregnancy is uncomfortable.  What good thing comes from comfort?  There is a cost to everything.  You can’t have everything for nothing.  That isn’t how the world works.  And looking back, it was that season of seeking comfort as my priority that was the least fulfilling of all of it.  I am happier now that something has forced my own comfort to play second fiddle to something with some meat to it.  

[kylie-gets-fit]

New Zealand

Five years ago, I had the chance of a lifetime that opened up a door to many more chances of a lifetime - interning at Disney. One of those chances was meeting my friend, Nola, a Tongan girl from New Zealand. We connected so well while in the states and I promised her one day I would go visit her in her country to experience her culture - well I keep my promises and it took your girl 5 years but I visited her! There were things I will never get to experience again, and sights I’d never get to see again. Let me tell you, it was a once in a lifetime experience - even if I get to go back.

I flew from Los Angeles to New Zealand on Fiji Airways, with a layover in Fiji. Apparently this is moreso of a budget airline for people in Oceania, but I was impressed. My first flight wasn’t the best as I was in a center seat and had an old man not only with his elbow in my seat, but also his foot under the seat in front of mine where my feet should be! After that rough 11 hour journey though, I had window seats for all remaining flights and the flights were so much better! There was music and movies available on the plane (I didn’t know this okay?) and the Fijian people were so nice.Even in the Fiji airport they all greeted me with “Bula!” which is their way of greeting people, much like the Hawaiian “Aloha”. While in that airport I met quite a few people from New Zealand and they were so nice and very helpful. My second flight was to New Zealand where I went through customs for the first time in my life. I don’t know why I was so nervous but it was pretty much a breeze. Just declare anything you have and go through the process.

I’ll discuss the food there since it was the first thing I noticed after leaving the airport - I felt like I hadn’t left America. McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC, Carl’s Jr., and soon to be Taco Bell everywhere! My struggle was finding gluten free meals - fries were a huge part of my diet! Nola’s family threw a barbecue and I was thinking since they are islanders there would be a roasted pig and lots of tropical fruit....burgers, wings, sausages, potato salad, and rolls! Their ice cream is so delicious though! I tried kiwi ice cream and it’s way better than it sounds. Their strawberry ice cream also has real strawberries.

One thing I didn’t mind there was how accessible the beach was. We went to three different beaches while I was there and each one was magical in it’s own way. The first beach we visited was Piha Beach and that was my favorite. Let me tell you, I will never see a place more magical. Our drive to the beach was long, and while everyone else was saying, “are we there yet?” I didn’t mind because the drive was gorgeous! There were so many trees and so much green and I don’t see that at home ever!

Once we got there, we parked the most beautiful, green forest and had a walk ahead. I couldn’t believe my eyes at how gorgeous this place was, and I hadn’t even seen half of it yet! Once we got to walking, not only did we get to enjoy the green view, but also a stream that I assumed led to the ocean. I wanted to get a photo in the water with the green in the background so I asked Nola to take a photo. The sand was black and the water was warm! Once we got to the beach, I knew I needed to take in every moment and every little bit that my eyes could see. The green grass and trees behind me, the black sand below me, the heavenly sky above me, and the powerful ocean in front of me. I will never see something that magical ever again and I will never forget!

There were many differences in New Zealand I picked up on that I wish we utilized here in the states. Without getting into politics, guns are outlawed there. I can tell you I always think about the chance of being caught up in a mass shooting in the States. While it is possible for someone to buy a gun black market there, I did not once feel worried while there. People don’t make big scenes there when they don’t get their way. And the most eye opening thing of all was how they take care of one another. We were in a drive thru and there was a man on the side begging for money. Her family began scrambling for coins and together we probably gave him about $5-8. We also went to a restaurant that had a cooler in the front with food in it. When we first walked in I assumed the food was for sale, but as we walked out I saw a sign that read “Free Food for People in Need, One Box Per Person Please”. I wish we had more of that here.

And of course, the reason I went there - to meet Nola’s family and learn about her culture, both Tongan and New Zealand. There were a couple things that I didn’t particularly agree with - like how women are required to keep their legs covered above the knee, but for the most part I saw the beauty in their culture.

They are very emotional people, and I wish that is something the American culture had. What first woke me up to this was visiting the cemetery (yep, we did that). Her family had recently lost her grandmother and unexpectedly, her cousin was violently killed. Instead of staying quiet, these people express what they are feeling - a lot. They talked about it so much, it would normally make me feel uncomfortable. But I realized something. They aren’t having meltdowns, they aren’t crying behind closed doors; wow, this is what it looks like to grieve death in a healthy way. We went to the cemetery after church on Sunday to visit them. How do they visit their deceased loved ones? They keep lawn chairs at their graves, pop down on a seat, and talk to them. About life, about everything. They even introduced me to them. You may think this is strange, but I found it beautiful. They weren’t the only people doing this either. There were people all around of all cultures in New Zealand doing this.

The Tongans are very formal in everything they do. They all get dressed up for church. I was lent a “kiekie”, somewhat like a woven grass skirt, to wear over my dresses for the week.For New Year’s I thought they had found a “kofu” or dress that happened to fit me, but it turned out that Nola’s aunt thought it would fit and said I could have it if it fit! We brought in 2019 in church. Church was spoken in Tongan, so I am not sure what they were saying. Once we left church, we went to Nola’s grandfather’s house where her whole family met to honor him. Everyone crammed into his small living room. At least it looked small with about 30 of us in there! Her grandfather, weak and brittle, started the discussion, getting very emotional. Then they all were speaking in Tongan taking turns to talk. Some were crying, some were laughing. I had no idea what was going on but just enjoying the fact that I got to witness this. The Nola’s sister Tina turned to me and said “would you like to say something?”. I was caught completely off guard. I can’t speak Tongan and had no clue what they were discussing. They all told me I could say anything I wanted regarding the new year. I improved some statement about how I was grateful for them allowing me to attend their family events and being able to bring in the new year learning about their culture. Then her grandfather spoke up. I could tell he was putting in all of his energy to look my way and speak, and he spoke English to me. He told me that he was glad to meet me and hopes to see me again. I fought tears. I had just met this man 10 minutes ago and I’m a no-one in this room of a family, yet he took the time to make me feel not only welcomed, but special.

Not only did I get to experience the Tongan culture, but I gained a family. Not only did I meet the relatives Nola lived with, but I met her extended family as well, as they are all very close. I met cousins on both sides of her family and bonded greatly! They are all funny and had great senses of humor. I asked what the term for white girl was and they told me it was “palagni” and that became my nickname. One night we were playing a game Nola’s sister Lote knew of called Psych, which is basically like Cards Against Humanity except you all get to create and vote for the answers and the subject is one of the players. Naturally they all were roasting each other and it was hilarious. But then they began roasting me. I didn’t even realize they knew me well enough to have anything on me! I said “Wow you guys don’t hold back!” and Tina said, “Yep, welcome to the family!” and we all laughed. At that moment I really did feel accepted and that I was a part of the family. Families aren’t always cordial, sometimes they insult each other, and I got to be included in that as well.

The goodbyes were also very formal. The night before I left, the entire family came into the living room for a family prayer. Her father said his prayer in Tongan and Nola explained that he said he was thankful that I was able to come and they could meet me and prayed for a safe trip back home. Everyone said something about my visit. He also said he was sorry if their home wasn’t nice but it was all they had. Let me tell you what they presented me with. They had a 3 bedroom home and Nola’s sisters were also there for summer break. That means there were 6 of them. THEY GAVE ME MY OWN ROOM. These people were so humble yet so grateful for what they had.Thank goodness I had written out a Thank You card and gotten them a basket of chocolates or I probably would have looked silly with how formal they made this. I really felt loved in this moment. They gave me a Tongan mat as a parting gift and I will treasure it forever. Tina said when people ask me about it I can say it’s from my Tongan side. It was a joke, but she somewhat mean it as well. I came to see Nola and learn about her culture, and I gained a family. Her parents wanted to take a family photo and luckily the instagrammer in the room brought her tripod! The next morning when I was leaving, her mother said her goodbyes and began crying. I met her a week ago. It was incredible how much I bonded with this family. SO MUCH LOVE.

[imagineproduce101]

Takada Kenta Harry Potter AU

as a member of the slytherin house, you had a certain image to upkeep

you could be a bit cold, preferring to sit observe, forming a plan before acting

you certainly weren’t the most friendly student, so when the headmaster had asked you to guide takada kenta, a transfer student from  Mahoutokoro, the japanese wizarding school, you were a bit curious as to why

but you didn’t say anything, opting for heading to the headmaster’s office, bowing low at the sight of the japanese boy, who bowed as well

“kenta here was sorted into hufflepuff,” the headmaster said cheerfully, “so you two should get along well.”

“right,” you nodded, “well, i suppose the first thing to do would be to show you around the castle.”

“i’m excited to see the famous castle of hogwarts,” kenta confessed as you led him out to the front of the castle, “i’ve only read about it in our textbooks about the great war.”

“it can get confusing,” you said bluntly, “but it’s a nice place to go to school.”

even though you were the one giving kenta the tour, he ended up talking more than you did, telling you about his life back at  Mahoutokoro, about why his family had moved to england, and even about his various favorite subjects

“my favorite subject is potions,” you said with a small smile-- you really did fit the slytherin stereotype

kenta perked up, “i’m excited to learn about potions with the ingredients available to english students,” he’d grinned widely, and instantly you knew you could be friends-- anyone with an interest in potions was acceptable in your book

it turned out that the two of you shared many classes, and in an attempt to be a decent person, you asked for him to sit next to you, and had him eat with your friends during meals

he definitely seemed to be fitting in well at hogwarts, even finding his own group of friends

sometimes, he’d ask you for help with schoolwork, as the types of classes he was taking was different, especially history of magic, and he was struggling a bit

often times, you’d spend your evenings in the library with him, helping him with a paper or figuring out a new spell

your friends noticed that the two of you balanced each other out well, his cheery and at times naive personality complimenting your cold, blunt one

the first time you take him to hogsmeade, he’s in awe at all the shops and such, since they carry totally different things than the shops near  Mahoutokoro

and he actually ends up not liking butterbeer? which you’re willing to overlook because he’s cute wow did you just say that? yes, yes you did

when you inform your friends that you think you may possibly have a tiny tiny crush on takada kenta, they all just roll their eyes

“we know, (y/n).”

the way that quidditch is done is also very different at hogwarts, and it’s more of a spectacle sport, since  Mahoutokoro plays their quidditch in like, pure storm weather

he enjoys going to the matches with you, and even gets really into hufflepuff pride, waving around bright yellow banners with kim donghyun, a fellow hufflepuff

you just watched him in quiet amusement, appreciating how happy and carefree he looked

the two of you end up really helping each other study for the end-of-the-year exams, and spend a lot of time together

you can’t help but notice how incredibly perfect kenta is, and each study session just makes you want to bang your head against a wall and ask him to date you

he’s somehow able to take the stress of your exams away with just a couple reassurances?

and you’re really stressed

the morning after finals, you hadn’t slept for over twenty four hours

you were sitting in the great hall by yourself, shoveling cereal into your mouth when kenta sat next to you, handing you a steaming mug of coffee

“you know, i swear, i wish we were dating,” you mumbled casually, taking a large sip of coffee, “you’re like, the perfect boyfriend.”

you were so out of it that you didn’t realize how red kenta had gotten at you, staring at you with huge eyes

later that day, when you had actually gotten a few winks of sleep, the two of you were walking to the black lake to feed the giant squid when kenta turned to you

“(y/n),” he said, “this morning, what you said, did you really mean it?”

you frowned, trying to recall, “sorry, what did i say?”

“nothing! nothing,” kenta blushed, shaking his head

“no, really, what did i say?” you paused, trying to wrack your brain

“oH, that’s what i said!” you stared up at him, “fuck.”

“so it’s a no?” kenta nodded, his eyes a little brighter as his smile drooped a bit

“no, no,” you shook your head, “i mean, yes, wait no, ugh, I mean, I would date you.”

kenta smiled widely, tacking you in a huge hug, “are you serious?”

you huffed at his enthusiasm, “yes, i’m serious.”

“(y/n), I’ve been trying to ask you out for months!” kenta complained, shaking his head, the huge smile never leaving his face

looking back, you realized how oblivious you had been

for valentines day, kenta had bought you flowers-- saying that he wanted to show you his gratitude for being a friend

he never even looked sideways at someone else, and always seemed to get flustered if you asked if he was interested in anyone

but once the two of you started dating, he was shameless, always cuddling up to you or hanging off your shoulder

it wasn’t uncommon to see the two of you eating breakfast, you sitting there solemnly nibbling your toast, kenta draped over you, chattering excitedly about his plans for the day

really just an adorable couple omg

[mental-health-advice]

(1/2) I feel like I ruin everything I touch. I just want to help people and for everyone to be happy. But I've ruined friendship after friendship, relationship after relationship. They've all ended from me. It's like everyone I let in close gets scared off or starts hating me for who I am. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so useless, ugly, and alone, like I'm a monster who should just hurry up and die already. I just miss everyone that's gone so much... I've heard that sometimes,-

(2/2) -abused kids will become abusive because that's what they think is normal. But I know what happened to me was wrong and I would never wish it on someone. Is it possible to be abusive without knowing it?

Hi darling,

I’m really sorry to hear that you were abused when you were a child and that you’re currently having trouble with friendships and relationships! What I think is important to keep in mind is that the two really do not have to be linked. I think what you might have heard is that a lot of children end up being similar parents to how their parents were, as that is what they know about raising someone. However, children who were abused as a child know how incredibly awful that was for them, and they will go out of their way to make sure their children don’t have to suffer the same.

I think it’s possible to be toxic to others without realising it. Sometimes we aren’t aware of the effect our actions have on others. This is different to being abusive in my opinion, as being abusive is more deliberately hurting someone, going out of your way to make them feel miserable. I also don’t think you’re toxic though, lovely! You struggle a lot with feeling negative about yourself, causing all those useless, ugly, and lonely feelings that you mention. I think these feelings are also causing the thoughts about whether you might be abusive. If you think so low of yourself, then it’s understandable that the next step in thinking is that others also think so low of you, which could mean that your mind jumps to the conclusion that they think you’re abusive. Can you follow this thought pattern? I think it can be helpful to realise where the pattern is coming from, as then you are able to stop it in its early tracks. So rather than letting your thought pattern getting to the worries of being abusive, when you feel so low about yourself you start to challenge those thoughts, to try and prevent the thought pattern from continuing.

Something that might help you a lot, is to work on feeling more positive towards yourself. A technique that I’ve learned to work on this, is to keep a ‘whitebook’. This word is a literal translation from how we call it in Dutch, and so far I haven’t been able to find an accurate English word, so I’ll just stick to whitebook instead. You get a notebook, a pretty one that you think will serve this goal well. From front to back, you start writing down positive things about each day. Anytime something positive happens, whether that’s something you do, see, hear, or know of, you write it down. In the beginning this will feel very uncomfortable and awkward, but eventually you’ll get more used to it. When this is the case, try to increase the amount of things you write down. Let’s say to work towards ten things a day. Then once you’re able to manage that, try to let at least two or three of those ten be about you. About something you did or said or thought. Rather than focusing on the world around you, shift the (positive) focus more towards yourself. Again, this will be uncomfortable at first as it goes right against how you feel about yourself. When I first started with this, I felt like I wasn’t even allowed to write positive things down about myself, because how could /I/ have done/said/thought something positive? The trick is to push through and write it down. You don’t have to convince yourself that it’s a positive thing, as long as you write it down on your list of positive things. Eventually, try to increase this amount as well. In the back of your notebook, keep a list with positive characteristics of yourself. You come up with these characteristics by the positive things you write down every single day. So if you write down that you cooked a nice meal, on your characteristics list you can put down that you can cook. It can be anything!

I don’t know a lot about the relationships and friendships that unfortunately ended, but there are a huge variety of reasons as to why they didn’t work out, most of them not related to how you are as a person. I personally don’t think you ruined those relationships. A relationship is always with two people, so where there are two fighting there are two at fault (there are exceptions of course in abusive relationships, but we already ruled that out

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline

[radiant-flutterbun]

The Adventures of Mason and Evan

(Warning: Brief mention of suicide)

Previously: Mason and Evan escaped their world which was being destroyed by demons and entered Sornieth where they were turned into dragons.

One hundred years.

One hundred years Mason had been dead. And with those one hundred years came one hundred missed opportunities. His relationship with his boyfriend was cut short. His friends all had to move on after his passing, and find others who would fill the void he left them.

For one hundred years Mason drifted in the Underworld as a ghost. His only friend was the mortal turned god, Evan Fear.

Now both Mason and Evan were mortal again, but they were human no longer.

Being a dragon was going to take some getting used to by both of them.

Mason was struggling more so than Evan. For Evan is main struggling was learning to walk in the new body. But for Mason he had to learn how to be alive again.

He felt like an infant. He struggled to walk, his tongue could’nt wrap around the strange new dragon language, and he had to be reminded to eat or drink.

Evan looked out for him, just like he did for the last one hundred years.

“Hey Mace, did you eat yet today?” He would ask every once and awhile.

Mason shook his head, slightly jealous how Evan’s Godspeak allowed him to learn every language. There was no struggle of communication for him.

“Alright to the kitchen we go!” He trotted on ahead. Learning to walk in his new body came easier to him than it did for Mason.

Mason tried to trot after his friend, but he tripped over his own feet and landed face first onto the stone flooring.

“Careful, kid!” The clan leader, Nike had to stumble back to avoid stepping on him. Mason appreciated the blind mirror’s kindness toward him and Evan and for giving them a place to stay, but it annoyed him that she insisted on calling him a ‘kid’.

He was an adult. He died at the age of twenty and lived on a hundred years more as a ghost. He figured he was older than all of the dragons in the clan if the hundred years were counted.

“Oh! Mace! Sorry I forgot you’re still getting the hang of walking,” Evan came back “Do you need help?”

“I’m fine,” the words came out awkwardly, as Mason got to his feet. Evan walked next to him as he carefully put one foot in front of the other.

The kitchen was filled with delicious aromas of all times. The main cook, Firespitter was always there cooking up something. He made the best meals for dragons of all kinds.

The mirror cook smiles as he saw Mason and Evan enter.

“Nice timing! I just cooked up some salmon I think you’d like,” He pushed the plate toward Evan and he licked his lips.

“Alright! Thanks dude!”

“And for you,” Firespitter turned to Mason “I got a vegetarian dish.”

“Thanks,” As a skydancer Mason could eat insects too, but the dragons here realized soon enough that their alien friends weren't too comfortable eating the creepy crawlies. It was a good thing none of them were faes.

Immediately after eating his meal, Mason felt better. It was amazing how much of a difference a full belly made when it came to his mood.

“So you wanna go over to Lakra’s for speech therapy?” Evan asked when he was done licking his plate.

Mason shrugged. He didn’t want to go, but it was also a pain not being able to speak fluently. It was almost ironic. As a human he could speak two languages fluently, which was one more than most of his friends could. And with English and Spanish being the two most common languages where he lived very rarely was he unable to join in a conversation.

Now he could barely say more than a word at a time. He was getting better admittedly, but not soon enough.

Practise will only make it easier He reminded himself. I figure it would be best to see Lakra now.

***

Weeks pass and Mason could walk perfectly again. Flying was a different story, but he wasn’t going to think about that just yet. He was learning more and more Draconion everyday and was quickly grasping the language. He wasn’t fluent yet, but could get by.

And as he got better at speaking, he started to want to learn other things as well.

“Hey, Evan?” he was sitting with his friend outside at night next to the cliff. Mason loved the sound of the waves crashing below. Evan looked up at him, his feathered crest rising in interest.

“I kinda want to do art again.”

Evan grinned “That’s awesome Mace!”

“Yeah… I… I just figured it would be a good idea. Now that I’m alive and all.”

“Are you going to make the comic you always wanted to create?”

Mason nodded “Except… I’m probably going to have to completely re-learn how to draw now.”

“We can sign you up for some art lessons with Flare. I’ve heard she’s a good teacher.”

“Yeah me too. Except Muerto is also being taught by her. I don’t want to make things awkward.”

“That’s a good point.”

“Maybe I should what until I’m a little more comfortable being a dragon before I start…”

“Nah you should just go for! This is what you’ve wanted for over a hundred years now.”

“I know… It’s just… Feels a little weird. When I was alive the first time I wanted so badly to create, but when I needed my creativity the most it dried up and died inside of me. I thought dying would fix that. But it still didn’t come back no matter how much i wanted it to. I spent my life wishing I was dead and I spent my death wishing I was alive. Now I’m alive again and I want to stay this way. But what if I still can’t create? What if it’s gone forever? What if the window of opportunity I had to create my comic is gone now? What if the story I wanted to tell falls onto deaf ears?”

“I don’t know what to tell you man, except you should try. And if you think this is a story worth telling then I’m sure others will too.”

Mason smiled “Thanks dude.”

“No problem. Like I’ve said before. I’m here for you.”

***

Art is hard. Mason decided after a few weeks of learning under Flare.

He never thought art was easy but learning from scratch when he knew he could draw decently before was more frustrating than he could imagine.

He wanted to draw his characters again, but all that came out was scribbles. Holding pencils and other utensils was so foreign now.

And if frustrating himself wasn’t bad enough, Muerto sometimes went to the lessons as well, which created an uncomfortable silence between the two of them.

Too much had happened between them in the past that there was no mending the wounds that both of them caused each other. When Mason died Muerto struck a deal with him. He would spare Mason’s Soul from Eternal Punishment and let his ghost live in the Underworld Palace as long as he promised not to interfere with god business.

It was a fair deal considering Muerto was breaking the most important Law of the Underworld.

Mason’s thoughts were deep in the waters of the nasty things he had done to Muerto. He felt a mixture of anger and guilt toward the young god. On one hand Muerto gave him a nasty Curse that was a contributor to his untimely death, but on the other Mason captured Muerto and tortured him.

There was no way Mason could have known that the God of Death was a misguided child. He thought Muerto was playing tricks, that he was only pretending to be a scared little boy.

It’s what the voice feeding him lies told him.

“Sooo…” a green and brown mirror piped up during one of Muerto and Mason’s silence during one art lesson “How’s everyone doing today?” Frankenstein was an odd dragon. From what Mason understood she was an undead creature, and she once almost killed Muerto. She had a hunger that could only be controlled by a powerful spell cast on her by a tundra named Hecate. When that tundra was attacked her spell had broke on Frankenstein and she tried to eat Bubonic and then Muerto. Hecate recast her spell and so far Frankenstein hadn’t gone on any violent rampages.

Apparently she and Muerto made up not too long ago and now considered themselves friends. Franken liked to join Muerto as he painted. It was relaxing for them both.

“I’ve been fine. How about you Franky?” Muerto answered.

“I’ve been great! My sweet Windy sent me the most adorable letter yesterday!”

“That’s great!”

“Oh and Sig and Mori both say hi to you and the clan.”

“Write back and say I say hi too. Oh that reminds me, have you heard what Shamhna has been up to lately?”

“No! What?”

“She moved from Clan Stjerneklart and founded her own clan in the Viridian Labyrinth!”

“Really? That’s incredible!”

They talked like old friends. It was jarring to hear how happy Muerto was when he spoke to her. Was it really possible for the usually distrustful kid to really forgive and even befriend someone who once tried to kill him? Could it be possible that maybe one day he and Mason could be friend too?

Mason shook his head. Being friends with Muerto was a ridiculous idea. It would never happen. There was too much bad blood.

“So Mason, I heard you’re a writer?” Mason’s antennae twitched when Frankenstein turned to him.

“Oh yeah well… Comic artist and writer actually.”

“Oh wow that’s cool! What’s your comic going to be about?”

“Uh… Well it’s going to be a sci fi.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a genre that takes place in the future.”

“Oh cool!”

“And it has like high tech stuff like robots.”

“Sounds like something a Lightning dragon would be into!”

“Oh uh I’m sorry what’s a Lightning dragon?”

“It’s an Element type! Like you’re a Water dragon. There’s eleven different Elements. I’m Plague, Muerto is Ice and Flare is Water like you too! You can tell by a dragon’s eye color. It usually indicates where a dragon was born, but there are exceptions. And with each Element types comes stereotypes. Lightning dragons are known for being into tech stuff.”

“Ah ok cool! Thanks for telling me.”

“No problem!” Frankenstein smiled and then turned to Muerto, showing him her painting.

“That looks amazing!” He smiled. The whole time Frankenstein spoke to Mason he just stared at his canvas.

***

“It’s weird, Evan,” Mason said to his friend one day after his lessons.

“A lot of things are weird, Mace. You’re gonna have to elaborate.”

“It’s weird how happy Muerto is in this clan. I’ve never seen him smile so much in the Underworld than he does he. And he talks so freely to the dragons here. He always frowns when he sees me though, not that I blame him.”

“Yeah. He really does seem more carefree here. Probably because he doesn’t have a job here. He’s not a god or a king. He’s just a kid. I’m kinda feeling the same way. Being a god was cool and all, but it’s nice to be a teen again.”

“... It’s nice to be alive again. Feeling the grass under my feet and the sun on my back… it’s a sensation I never knew I would miss.”

Evan frowned “My nerves are still are wacky. Sometimes I can feel stuff, but other times I can’t. I stepped on some glass earlier and it shred up my foot. I was walking around bleeding everywhere and I didn’t even know it.”

Mason winced “Ouch. Are you going to be ok?”

“Yeah I’ll be fine. It’ll heal.”

“Just… try to take care of yourself, ok?”

Evan grinned and nudged Mason “I said I’ll be fine dude! It’s cool!”

“Alright, well see you around.”

Mason stretched his legs and wandered around the clan’s territory, his mind wrapped in his long lost story.

[cantolopejeevas]

okay now for the three boys I always obsess over! Daniel: 3, 6, 12, 25, and 49; Daniyal: 4, 7, 16, 23, and 45; and Mortar: 9, 18, 19, 22, 24, 33, and 38 (hopefully this isn't too much!!!)

I’ll be putting this one under a read-more ‘cause it’s quite a bit~

Daniel

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

Daniel had a pretty good childhood. His best memories are probably ones where he’s playing games with his parents, or maybe the ones where he’s chattering on about his favorite characters to his school friends. I think his worst memory would probably involve him getting into some kind of trouble. I’m sure he’s gotten detention at least a couple times for doodling Inky on the back of his math tests, haha.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

He was a pretty decent student, if sometimes a little stubborn and wanting to do things his way. He finished school with decent grades and got a four year degree in journalism, with a minor in communication. He enjoyed english and music classes mostly- until he got to high school and english class turned into reading a bunch of long-winded books from guys that died well before his time. He probably hated math the most, even though he was decent at it. It didn’t interest him, so he saw it as a waste of time after a certain point.

12. What is their favourite food?

Probably some sort of bullshit fancy pasta with a light garlic butter sauce and lots of veggies and shrimp. Healthy, but also somewhat tasty. I dunno, I had this exact meal at a restaurant once and it seemed very Daniel.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

Daniel has a more dry sense of humor, so he’s more likely to find sarcasm and the like funny. He’s also a fan of clever word play, which he tries to incorporate into his show from time to time. His sense of humor isn’t that great, as he’s very bitter and tends to take things a little too personally. And he’s not purposefully funny most of the time, but he does have these nihilistic moods and sayings that are unintentionally funny.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

His most valued object would probably be the SNES or the little tape recorder he had as a kid (both of which are in the collection room). He’s very very sentimental, and he likes to keep records of all his memories somewhere in his house. In fact, he even used to keep a video diary! As for something he takes everywhere, its less that he has to and more that it just happens to be that way, but he has a photo taken right after the very first episode of his show that he keeps in his wallet, tucked behind his driver’s license.

Daniyal

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

Daniyal knew both of his parents, and got along with them both pretty well. He was more familiar with his father, though, since his mother was an amateur adventurer and would go out for most of the day looking for treasure and whatnot. But he’s got good memories working on the farm with his dad, or when he was younger being taken on small adventures finding rupees under rocks with his mom. As for bad memories, he would sometimes mess something up on the farm and disappoint his dad from time to time, or he’d see his mom come home from an adventure that went wrong and see how hurt she got.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?

He had a few friends as a kid, but really only one or two stayed with him into adulthood. You know, until his village got attacked and they died. And then he got warped to a different world, so even if they had survived he still wouldn’t have been able to stay friends with them. But he’s got lots of wonderful friends now, so it’s all good~

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

Lowkey, he collect shiny rocks (especially red, blue, and green ones) because he thinks they can be used as currency, and when he tries to use them to buy something, someone (*cough*Andy*cough*) has to stop him, haha. So he keeps them at home, probably in a little chest or something.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

He has a good long-term memory, but his short-term memory isn’t the best. Especially if someone asks him to do something that he’s never done before, he’ll almost immediately forget whatever instructions they gave him and just panic. But he can still tell you in detail the layout of his village, including who lived where and did what. And he’s better with faces than he is names, because most of the names he comes across nowadays are weird-sounding to him, haha.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

Generally, other people see him as a well-meaning and kind, if very cowardly, person. Sometimes his forgetfulness and ignorance is seen as idiocy by certain people, but he does leave a mostly good impression even on them. This is essentially how he sees himself too, although he’s far more likely to downplay his kindness and put more emphasis on his cowardice. His self-esteem does get a little better though~

Mortar

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

I almost wanna make a joke about how he’s a furry who’s in love with a sheepy boy, but I’m not gonna, hahaha. He does tend to like animals more than people though, especially stray dogs and cats. They understand the struggle of life, so he feels a sort of solidarity with them. And generally those same strays tend to like him too. I’m sure that’s the main source of affection he gives and receives until he meets Cookie.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Mortar loves comedy. His favorite kinds of comedy are either really silly bullshit kinda stuff, or really dark humor. If something can make him laugh, it;s guaranteed to be his favorite thing of the week, haha. I also think he’s a fan of horror stuff, but only in a public setting so he can watch everyone else be scaredy-cats.

19. What’s their least favourite genres?

Probably sci-fi? But like a very niche kind of sci-fi. He likes space stuff and what-not, but if it’s biology based science-fiction he’ll get real pissed real quick, because he’d instantly just be like, “That’s not how that works????? The human body can’t do that!!! I would know, I’ve cut into thousands of ‘em!!!” 

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

He probably likes to call people fuckheads, assholes, motherfuckers, and occasionally “botched goods”. He insults people for getting in his way, or fucking around with him, Cookie, or his business. He’ll bitch to their face, behind their back, and over their recently-stopped-beating heart as he pawns it off to a customer.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

He’s probably got a more nocturnal sleeping pattern than most. It’s hard to steal organs in the daylight, you know? If he snores, it’s probably very soft, and maybe can’t really be heard unless you’re listening for it. And he likes to sleep on soft things, but he’s capable of sleeping just about anywhere.

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties? 

He probably wears plain boxers most of the time. He doesn’t really care about what his underwear looks like, he’ll just grab whatever and wear it. Though I’m sure sometimes he goes commando ‘cause why the hell not? He likes to live on the edge.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

He admires innocence in others. In the “you haven’t seen the worst shit this world has to offer, so you’re still full of hope and you’re still nice” kind of way. And he doesn’t wish for talents, necessarily, because he thinks he’s almost perfect the way he is, but for opportunities. Like I’m sure he wants to go to college or something and get a degree that he can rub in people’s faces, but being a world-class criminal that never had any sort of schooling kinda gets in the way of that.

[looselucy]

Losing Focus

October 24th Niall was rubbing his hands together when Paula came and placed the Full English Breakfast in front of him, about to consume an amount of food no person should be physically capable of. “You can’t possibly eat all of that.” I sniggered. “Watch me.” He said excitedly, picking up his knife and fork.

We’d decided to kick off the day by getting breakfast at our favourite café, PJ’s, before it was time to open up shop and take on another Wednesday. It was a little grotty in there, but that was what gave it it’s charm. It hadn’t been done up in years, the tables and chairs all one huge contraption which had then been nailed to the floor, which always made me question if they’d been designed to avoid fights or theft, but it didn’t matter. It was a firm favourite with the older generation of Rosebury, which luckily for Paula was the majority of Rosebury, so that kept business booming. As booming as it could be. I was preparing myself for another busy day, and beginning it with a proper meal felt like a good start. I was due to have my third one on one session with Harry, and I knew just how exhausted I’d be by the end of the day. I needed to prepare myself for that in any way I could. “You had any more dates recently?” I asked, taking the first bite of my bacon butty. “I wish. No such luck.” He huffed. “There aren’t enough options available to me.” “I suppose nothing is better than Neil.” “Do not talk to me about Neil.” Niall was one of the few members of our group who was good for early morning plans. With our village being so small, the businesses there could open and close whenever they chose, meaning that most mornings could be spent rather lazily. I liked to have Niall around so that I had a way to fill quiet mornings when the rest of our friends were still in bed. “You heard from Sam?” He enquired. “Nope. Nothing.” “Weird, right? For him to just up and leave like that.” “Very.” As ever, it hadn’t taken long for gossip to travel around Rosebury, meaning it had only been a few days after I’d spoken with Tom before everyone was made aware that Sam had quit his job and skipped town. Everyone had predicted I’d know something about it, meaning I’d been asked by what felt like everyone, even little old ladies popping into the shop just to see if I had any information as to his whereabouts, but I’d had to let everyone down. “Do you think he’ll come back?” He asked between mouthfuls. “I’m not sure. But I’m definitely not missing him.” Sam not being around had taken such a weight off me, which in addition with Harry’s lessons had left me feeling much calmer than I’d been expecting. The last few weeks had been good to me, life seeming to return to normal, things seeming to fall into place. “No, I can’t say I am either.” Niall admitted. “Do you think it’s because you broke up? Why he left?” “Um… I think it plays its part, yeah. But whatever, let’s not talk about Sam. Let’s talk about someone else.” “Let’s talk about Harry!” He proposed. “Ooh, okay! What about Harry?” “He’s fit, isn’t he?” “He is.” I chuckled. “I really like him.” “Me too. I think he’s blended in really nicely.” “Right? I mean… I thought we’d be harder to infiltrate, to be honest. I thought he’d have a harder time worming his way in.” “I think it proves just how well he fits in.” Niall shrugged. “It’s like he’s been here forever.” “I guess so.” “Hey, how come Chloe didn’t come to the match on Monday?” He puzzled. Chloe had been struggling with Harry’s company for the past few weeks and I couldn’t necessarily blame her. Ever since her proposal to Harry about staying at hers for the night, and his very polite refusal, she had been excessively awkward. It would pass, in time, that much I knew, but she was going through a difficult stage with him. She’d avoided going to watch the match on Monday, leaving me sat on my own in the freezing cold with no hot chocolate to keep my fingers warm. I’d missed her. “She’s too embarrassed about the whole… Harry situation. She’ll get over it.” I dismissed. “Course she will. After she’d tried it on with me, it took her a good couple of weeks to chill out again.” “Was she as forward with you?” “Oh yeah, it’s intimidating!” His eyes went wide. “She’s very forward.” As much as Chloe could definitely take things too far, I really wished I had a bit of her confidence, a bit of her forthrightness. The truth was, it worked most of the time; whenever we’d been on nights out somewhere other than Rosebury, where she wasn’t trying her moves on friends, she had always been successful. She was gorgeous and funny and forward and I would have loved just a tiny slither of that self-confidence. “I hope she gets over it soon.” I sulked after swallowing another mouthful. “I need her to cuddle up with on the matches. It’s cold.” “It’s freezing. I’m ready for summer. I wanna go swimming in the river again. I wanna go out to the lake again! We need warmth. My dick would freeze off if I went swimming in there at this time of year.” I almost choked on my sandwich, not expecting penis talk at such an early hour, but it was hard to be too surprised when it was Niall Horan I was sat across from. Shaking my head, I tried to digest my food appropriately, rolling my eyes at the smug little look on his face.

“Come on, Alfie. Just a few more hits!” Harry yelled upliftingly. “I can’t.” I was woozy, the bag ahead of me swinging softly from side to side. “I can’t, Harry, I’m tired.” “Two more minutes of blitzing it, then we’ll stop.” “I can’t. I’m so tired.” I began cuddling the bag, convinced it was the only thing keeping me on my feet. “I think I need a nap. I think I should nap. Shall we take a nap?” “You’re so fucking close, Alf, c’mon!” I felt like I’d already been in that gym for hours. My head was spinning and my limbs were failing me and I really wanted to lay down on the floor and sleep. He’d worked me to the bone, stood beside simply egging me on, shouting encouraging words and clapping and pushing me to my absolute limit, which at that point, I was pretty sure I’d reached. “I need to nap. Everything hurts. I think if I nap it would be really good for me.” I closed my eyes. “I’ll carry on when I wake up.” “You’re not napping.” “We could get the yoga-mats out and just… sleep. Remember sleep? It’s so good.” “You’ll get plenty of it tonight. But right now, you’ve got a job to do.” “Please?” I opened one eye, poking out my bottom lip. “Punch the bag.” He demanded one last time, and I didn’t need to be told again. I steadied myself, blinking my brain back to life before getting back into the desired position, ready to give it my all for just a few more minutes before I completely caved. He remained at my side, encouraging me throughout, driving pure determination into my bones. Things had been similar the week before; it was clear that Harry enjoyed pushing me way past what I believed to be my limit, pushing me to peaks I’d thought were too high. He never paid attention to my whining, or my requests for naps, he’d just force me further and get the most out of me that he could. As difficult as it could be, I’d left that room for the past few weeks feeling satisfied and driven. “That’s it, Alf! You’re killing it! Keep it up!” I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage the group training after such a vigorous workout, and I wasn’t sure how I’d ever be able to get away with lying to the girls this week by saying we’d worked out just a little bit before they all arrived, but I had to try. I could feel and see that all my skin was bright red, my body becoming so flimsy I questioned how much longer my feet could take my weight. I hit at the bag a few more times, involuntarily grunting as I did, when he finally saved me. “Okay, okay! That’s it. Well done, Alf! Have some rest.” I stopped, spinning dizzily round on my heel and staggering towards the centre of the room, whining pathetically until I’d found what I believed to be the perfect spot, where I collapsed backwards, sprawling out across the floor like a starfish, eyes closed, heart beating wildly. It was hard to keep track of the time, but I knew it wouldn’t be much longer until everyone started turning up for the group lesson, but I hoped the remainder of our time just the two of us would be spent resting. I placed my hand on my chest, slowly calming down, opening one eye for a moment to watch Harry. “You smashed it!” He yelled cheerfully, moving to stand at my feet. “This is it.” I spoke up to the ceiling, closing my eye again. “This is how I die.” I heard him sniggering and the sound of his footsteps before the music came to a stop, and before I’d had the chance to open my eyes, I felt a towel land directly on my face with quite some force. “Sorry.” He snickered. I managed to sit up, rubbing the towel over my face and around my neck, catching my breath, already dreading how much my body would ache the following morning. I took the bobble out of my hair, letting my bleach blonde locks fall dramatically over my shoulders, cracking my neck. “Thank you.” I sighed eventually. “How do you feel?” He sat himself down ahead of me, crossing his legs and pushing a bottle of water towards me. “Exhausted, but good. I feel really good. But also, I feel terrible.” I took a quick sip. “I really dunno how I’m gunna do this class.” “Y’know, it’s probably best not to just stop completely now-” “Don’t make do anything else yet, dear god please.” I blubbered. “Just stretches.” He grinned. “You can stay sat down and everything, but just stretching a bit now will really help.” I knew he was probably right, that stretching until the rest of the women arrived would likely be much more beneficial that just stopping completely then trying to pick up again, but even the thought of such minor movement was making me want to sob again. “Okay. Alright, gimme a minute.” Harry began to position himself, removing his trainers before stretching his legs out, ready to carry on teaching and clearly not too keen on giving me the minute I’d requested. “You ready?” He asked, chirpy as all hell. “Fine.” I huffed, mirroring his frame, first taking off my shoes before placing my legs outwards so they were shut together directly in front of me, the bottom of our feet almost touching. “Okay, so all I want you to do, is lean forward and touch your toes. Then you can grab your feet, and try to make your body as flat as you can so your face is almost resting on your legs. That’s it!” He’d said that’s it as though this was going to be the easiest thing imaginable, but he was clearly failing to take into consideration just how much I was aching and just how inflexible I was. I followed his lead, touching my toes but already feeling like that was my limit. I think he could tell from the rather alarmed look on my face. “What?” He questioned through a smile. “I… I can’t.” “You can.” “No, I really don’t think I can.” I chortled. “This is me at my absolute limit.” “Really?” “I’m being totally serious. I’m hurting.” “Fine.” He laughed lightly. “We’ll start a little easier. Maybe… Okay, put your legs apart instead.” I did as I was told, stretching my legs relatively wide, immediately trying to reach down and touch my toes without his instruction, only able to grasp for a few seconds before it was like my body snapped back into place, groaning dramatically. I flopped backwards again, going back to laying on the floor and sobbing. “I can’t, I’m weak! What’ve you done to me?” “Okay, c’mere. Let me help.” He got to his feet. “Sit up!” I flopped back forwards, still vocally complaining via disgruntled noises as he walked so he was behind me, and then before I could even fathom what was happening, he was back on the floor just behind me, slotting himself perfectly around me, widening his legs so they could be placed on the outside of my own, the front of his body pushed up against my back, causing me to tense rather substantially, quit my bleating. Initially, he seemed unfazed by the position, talking casually. “I’m gunna lean into it with you, okay. Kinda… hold you in place.” He was so close, his voice lingering around my right ear, sending more shockwaves through my body. I wanted to remain casual, in the zone, but all I could focus on fully was his voice, the way it felt having him almost wrapped around me that way, his body pushed against mine. Trying to think of anything other than the feel of his toned stomach,  I began to reach down towards my right foot, slowly trailing downwards, feeling Harry push with me, his body cushioning and caving over mine, placing his hand on top of my own to keep me in place once I’d reached down to my foot. There were so many muscles in my body that were aching, begging me to go back to laying on the floor, but Harry literally had me cornered between his own build, his breath burning the side of my neck. “Hold it, and then we’ll move back up, and do exactly the same on the other side. Yeah?” “Mm.” His voice was wickedly low, charming, hypnotic. I couldn’t concentrate, my head was swimming, to the point where I couldn’t even think about my aches, it was just him. He moved from me just slightly, but only so he could gently place his hands on my waist and guide me back upwards to him, his fingertips tender against my bare skin. I moved gradually, closing my eyes and miming curse words to myself, hoping the experience would end soon because I felt like I was enjoying it for reasons I wasn’t meant to be. I moved down to my left leg, feeling him follow once again, repeating our actions, just as heated and slow as before, one of his hands on mine and one still on my waist. “Now I want you to… spread your legs a little more,” I literally heard him swallow. “Then after we’ve moved back, I want you to lean forward, right between your legs, and reach out as far as you can. Okay?” “Yeah. O-okay.” I widened my legs a bit more, amazed that Harry could match the width with his own. Before I could move back upright, his hand moved from my waist, reaching for my unruly hair and gently gathering it all in his hand, organising it for me so it fell down my back rather than hung in front of my face. I was biting my lip by the time I was moving back up to him. Before I’d even noted the change in my own breathing, I noted the change in his, once again able to feel his breath on my neck as soon as I was back against him, so intense I wanted the distance as quickly as I could, propelling myself forward with speed, my whole body shuddering. I was so distracted by the way he was making me feel that I was ignoring the pains that had been holding me back before, bending my body forward so much that my chest and forehead just about met the floor, feeling like a relief in some way, like it was hiding how flustered I’d become. “Fuck.” I heard Harry groan behind me, my eyes bolting open at the word that had poured piercingly from his lips. All I’d thought about was the distance between our bodies, not the new position I was in, the angle from which he was now viewing my body. His hands tightened on my waist somewhat, seething in a sting of breath, the noise penetrating my ears so much I bolted back upright, needing to change the mood of the room before I lost my fucking mind. My back crashed back against his body, the room silent other than our harsh breathing. I looked down to the ground, attempting to control myself, to not make myself so obvious but we were beyond that. He cursed again, suddenly resting his forehead on my shoulder which sent another shock through my body, quite blatantly attempting to cool down. It was all too much. Without warning, my desire formed a life of its own, not thinking as I slightly shuffled my backside further towards his groin, feeling the faint imprint of his erection against me, on the curve of my rear and leading up to the bottom of my back. Harry seethed again, harsher this time. There was a frantic apology on the tip of my tongue, just about to drag my body away from his before he lifted his head from where he’d rested it, turning to trace the very tip of his nose soothingly over my neck, his breath glazing over the area, my skin prickling, lolling my head back to give him more access, landing firm on his shoulder. I felt his hand move, his left locking tight to my waist as his right snaked around to the centre of my stomach, brushing the tips of his fingers over my skin before they began playing with the hem of my leggings, cautious at first, as though waiting for me to stop him, ask what he was doing. I had nothing to say. He took that as his sign, lowering his hand so it became hidden in the material, sliding his fingers into my knickers and finding my clit as soon as he could. “Holy fuck.” I gasped, biting my lip and easing into it. It was hard to think about how suddenly it was all happening, how strange the scenario was, the fact that Harry was touching me that way. All I could concentrate on was how good I felt, how he was making me feel in that very moment, his fingers jolting silkily over my sensitive nub. He was unhurried at first, watching down over my shoulder to see the shocks of his hands through my pants, focusing all his attention on my pleasure, finding out what was working and feeling good for me by tracking my moans, working with my body to gain the most out of what he was doing. I felt amazing, so satisfied but calm, just oozing into the whole feeling, possibly with a smile on my face but I was too lost in my state to know for sure. He dipped his hand lower, easing two fingers into me, lifting his lips up to my ear. “I wanna feel you cum in the palm of my hand.” He groaned. Then he started kissing at my neck, grinding his hips to some extent so I could feel him against my back, curving his fingers and placing his thumb against my clit. My moans and whimpers became more consistent, louder, bending my knees up and pushing further back into him, his tongue stroking over my skin sweetly. It was like he’d taken complete control of my body, like every function it was currently undergoing was entirely down to him; the beat of my heart, my hairs standing on end, my disordered breathing, my trembles and quakes and my pleasured cries. Everything was under his control and it made me feel so fucking alive. He lifted his teeth to my ears, biting pleasantly at my lobe, his free arm snaking to grasp around my stomach, yanking my just that bit closer to him, a gritted grunt forming in his throat. I could feel myself getting closer and closer, welcoming back a sensation I hadn’t felt for a long time. Even with Sam, it had been so long since he’d cared about my pleasure, about me getting the most out of sexual experiences. I couldn’t even recall the last time I’d been made to feel that way, where the only focus was me and my body, my satisfaction. He went back to kissing my neck, the way he grunted only making my own moans increase, my hand reaching to clasp at his leg when we heard noises, shuffling and scuttling and showing there were women on the other side of the door, waiting for the group session. “For fuck sake.” Harry grumbled, stopping for a second or so before his instinct insisted that he continued, rubbing again. “I wanna finish you off, but you’re too loud.” “Just do it, I’ll be quiet.” I gasped. I tried to hold it in. I tried so hard to dull my tones so he could finish his wonderous work, but I couldn’t! No matter how hard I fought it, my throat continued to produce noises that I couldn’t stun, achingly aware of the gathering of women outside his door but more aware of how good I felt. It wasn’t something that could be silenced. “Alfie-” He growled, taking his arm off my stomach so he could bring his hand up to clasp over my mouth, covering my lips to keep me quiet but if anything, it just made my moans increase, being the exact thing that could lead me to my orgasm. I cried out into the palm of his hand, every single inch of my body quaking, Harry shh-ing me and slowly steadying the work of his hand, checking over his shoulder to watch the door, make sure no one had allowed themselves into the room too early and seen what we were up to. When he knew we were safe, he came back to me, grinning against my neck as he tried to kiss over the area. I didn’t even need to see his face to gather how smug he felt. My body went from rigid to sluggish rather quickly, collapsing back against him, trying to catch my breath, my body literally sliding downwards as he freed both his hands, my head landing against his chest. I was totally limp. “I…” He was still breathless. “I think we lost track of time.” “Mm.” Was all I could reply, completely beat. “Shit. Are you alright?” “I think I’m dying.” “I need to let everyone in.” “No! No, no. Nope. No. Just… Gimme a minute. Let me gather myself.” He sniggered before planting a firm kiss against my temple. “Okay.” He whispered. “Take your time.” So I did. I didn’t rush myself or try to get back to normal just for the sake of those outside, I let it all play out naturally, soothing at my own speed, Harry not moving, stroking the backs of his fingers up and down my arm to aid my mending procedure. “What the hell just happened?” I panted, producing a large smile. “I have no idea.” He laughed a little, gazing down to me. I giggled to myself for a while, closing my eyes, relaxing, beginning to feel normal again. Well, as normal as I possibly could, given the scenario. He gave me my time, clearly unfazed by the now very loud noises coming from outside proving it was likely every woman who took his class was waiting to get in. He didn’t care, he simply granted me every second I needed to regain my senses and stature. “How’re you feeling?” He asked eventually. “Okay.” I opened my eyes. “I’m good. I think I’m ready.” “Yeah?” “Yeah. Let them in.” I sat forward, rolling my shoulders and inhaling deeply, Harry standing himself up and walking to my front so he could offer me a hand and lift me triumphantly back to my feet. Once I was upright, we stopped again for a moment, our bodies close, Harry looking down to me like he had something to say, maybe trying to find the right words, though of course neither of us knew what those words could possibly be. With a sigh, he gave up searching for them, simply leaning in very briefly to plant a tender kiss just beside my lips, at the very corner, before he wandered over to the door, opening wide with a cheery smile, allowing the eager ladies to leak into the room. I was stood still staring off into nothing when Libby and Chloe marched over to me, pulling me from my trance. “What was that about?” Libby questioned. “We’ve been waiting ages!” “Um…” I spun so I was facing the front of the room, trying to create yet another lie to accompany the many others I’d been crafting of recent. “Hi!” It seemed I was still a little more dazed than I’d bargained for, not having heard her question properly. She lowered her brows, and asked again. “What took so long?” “We were just talking about… what happened that night. Y’know, on my birthday. It got a little intense.” “Are you okay?” Chloe asked, clearly concerned. “Yeah, m’fine.” I nodded. “He… He helps me feel loads better. I’m good.” “Good, I’m glad.” She smiled back to me. I knew if I told either of them, especially Chloe, what had actually just happened in that room, they’d have absolute meltdowns. Fuck, I wasn’t even sure they’d believe it, because I could barely believe it. I looked up to Harry, and to be honest he seemed just as perplexed, trying to figure himself out, calculate his next move. “Um… m’gunna quickly nip to the toilet before we start.” I mumbled to the girls, darting towards the door, getting Harry’s attention instantly. “Hey, you alright? Are you leaving?” He leapt to me, panicking, speaking quietly. “No. I just need to… sort myself out.” I tried not to cringe. “Right. Yeah… Right, of course, yeah.” He distanced again. I left the room, uncomfortably making my way a little further down the corridor to the toilets, wondering if Harry was considering a similar trip, to both physically and mentally wash his hands of the experience before the class got underway. Concentrating solely on his class had never been as difficult as it was that day.

[luckychxrm-blog]

Home is a place where someone feels safe, comforted and loved. Home is where your family is and unfortunately for me, I never knew who my birth family was. When I was a little girl I had been placed in foster care and I bounced around from foster home to foster home until Elaine took me in. That’s where my home is: with the Fosters. She wasn’t my real mother but she loved me like I was her own child. Her brother, my uncle, treated me more like a sister than his niece. It was a nice life and there are moments where I wish I could just go back and live it all over again.

Life was simple back then. I didn’t really have anything to worry about. Elaine made sure that I had everything that I needed and whenever there was some kind of problem with school she or Trent always tried to help me out. I was smart but I still struggled from time to time. Math was probably my worst subject of all with English and History being my two strongest. Regardless, I still did well in everything that I did including both academics and sports. I wanted to try and get into basketball and I remember Trent took some time from his busy schedule to help me shoot some free throws but, I wasn’t the greatest at that. That’s probably when I decided to switch to volleyball instead.

Even though I was privileged, I still had to work hard for what I got. If my grades slipped then I didn’t get my allowance that week and I would be given extra chores to do. Everything that I got I had to work hard for and they always made sure that I knew the value of a dollar. When I turned sixteen and was able to get a job, I started to work as a hostess at the local diner. It wasn’t the best job but I learned a lot there. I’m also pretty sure that my mom and uncle were proud of me for that job. When I got my first ever paycheck, my family took me out to dinner and let me pay for our meal. I know it wasn’t a lot but it made me feel really proud to be able to pay for everyone like that. I finally felt like I was really contributing to the world.

Now that I’m older, I feel like everything I learned back then has taught me how to be a better person today. I know right from wrong and I know that hard work pays off in the end. I wouldn’t be where I was today if it wasn’t for what I learned in my hometown. If Elaine hadn’t taken me in I don’t know where I would have ended up and a part of me doesn’t want to know what would have happened. I prefer to focus on the positives in my life and my life in Sloane was perfect. That was until Trent messed everything up. With him back in our lives, I find myself feeling a little guarded. He’s not someone I want to let back in. Not after what he had done to my mom and to the other people in town. I am who I am because of how I was raised and I’m not going to let one person mess up my future. My future is bright and no one is going to damage that.

[littleforestfairy]

Every single question for Marcus

You’re lucky I love you.

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Marcus Bailey. Doesn’t have a middle name yet. He chose it cus he heard the name Marcus a lot and thought it was really nice.

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

Noooope.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

He had an okay childhood. He has a nice home life with a family that loves him (even if his parents still don’t quite understand him being trans), but his family is very poor and so didn’t have much when he was a child, and he was bullied and beat up a lot by spoiled rich kids.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? 

He has a fairly good relationship with both parents. They both love him a lot and have always worked hard to give him and his siblings everything. His parents struggle with understanding that he is trans, but they try. A good memory is when they were able to afford a really nice party for his 11th birthday. A kinda bad memory is when he was 8 and he said he wanted to wear a suit out instead of a dress, and his parents refused even when he started to whine.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

He has an older sister and an older brother! Don’t have names cus I haven’t given em names yet lol. He has a pretty good relationship with both of them! They’re both very protective of him. They’ve both been able to accept his gender identity a little better than their parents.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

He’s currently 14 in the story, so he’s currently in high school. He enjoys some parts of school, but mostly doesn’t like it. He kinda keeps to himself, but he has some friends. His favorite subject is English, least favorite is math.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? 

Some of the friends he currently has in school are friends he’s had since childhood! He didn’t have a lot, but he had enough to be happy.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? 

He does love animals! He’s never had a pet though cus his family can’t afford to take care of one.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? 

I would think so! He really loves birds and watches them at the park

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

He does like children and children do like him cus he’s very nice. He hasn’t really thought about if he wants children. He would be a pretty good parent, and would want to work as hard for his kids as his parents have

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?

None that I’ve come up with lol He’s not a vegan or vegetarian 

12. What is their favourite food? 

Mashed potatoes!

13. What is their least favourite food?

Meatloaf

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

Not really

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

He’s not really good at cooking and doesn’t really enjoy it, but he tries hard to learn how to cook for himself.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

He collects pretty rocks he finds and keeps them in a shoe box under his bed.  

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

Nah, doesn’t really like taking photos that much.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Sci-fi !

19. What’s their least favourite genres?

He finds most non-fiction a little boring

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

He loves music! Kinda neutral on musicals, he hasn’t really seen any. He loves to dance and sing to his favorite songs

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

He’s a very patient person, and doesn’t believe anger will solve anything

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

He’s not at all the kind of person to insult people or talk behind their backs, even his bullies

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

Pretty good memory! Kind of a bad short term memory, he’s best at remembering little things people tell him, like someone’s favorite color or favorite flower. He’s pretty good with both names and faces.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

He more breathes heavily than snores. He prefers a nice soft mattress, with lots of pillows and blankets. He’s kind of a light sleeper, which really sucks most of the time.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

He likes silly jokes and puns! He loves hearing jokes, but he’s not very good at telling jokes cus he ends up stumbling over his words or forgetting parts.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? 

He’s a very shy boy, so he doesn’t really express himself outwardly. He usually hums and grins a lot and bounces on his toes when he’s really happy.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

He’s pretty sensitive so he does cry easily. He hides it if he’s in public, but he cries openly if he’s at home or alone. Anything from hurtful words to sad movies makes him cry. When he’s sad, he keeps to himself, tries not to burden anyone, or he’ll go to his mom if he’s feeling really really upset.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

His biggest fear is his family becoming homeless and losing everything. The future scares him a lot. Scary movies scare him, and so do creepy bugs. How he acts really depends on what he’s scared of in that moment.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? 

Very overprotective. He’s a good friend, he would never tease someone!

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he doesn’t exercise much

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover?  How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

He’s 14 so he doesn’t drink, and he just kind of avoids drunk adults.

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

He dresses in a lot of baggy, secondhand clothes that his parents buy from thrift shops, or he gets from his older siblings. He would love to wear fancy clothes like suits and tuxes. He wears baggy t-shirts and sweats to bed. No makeup. His hair a very pale blonde, short, and very wavy.

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

He’s very small and skinny, 5′1″. He doesn’t like his body, wishes he was taller and stronger.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

He’s good at singing, sewing, and dancing. He also likes to bird watch and feed birds at the park.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

He does like to read! He loves sci-fi books. Kind of a slow reader. Not a big fan of poetry.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

He admires when people are strong and confident and unafraid to stand up for themselves, and wishes he could be like that.

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 

Letters!

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

He loves sugary food like cakes and sweets! Doesn’t like caffeinated drinks though, he thinks coffee’s really gross.

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

He’s really unsure of his sexuality. He doesn’t really care much about looks, he just likes someone who is kind, caring, and fun to be with. He’s never been in a relationship, so I don’t really know on that last one.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

He wishes he could become rich so his family wouldn’t have to struggle anymore. He would do anything for his family and friends.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

He has a strong faith in God, even when times are very hard. He goes to church often with his family. He respects people of all religions and people who are non religious. 

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? 

He loves summer! He doesn’t really like winter. He’s too sensitive to the cold.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

His friends and family see him as a very kind and loving boy, and he takes pride in being that.  

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?

First impressions of him are usually him being very shy and stumbling over his words a lot, but he gets more comfortable with people after a while. He stumbles a lot with introducing himself cus he always hesitates and wonders if he should introduce as his birth name or if it’s safe to use the name Marcus

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

He doesn’t go to many fancy parties aside from weddings, and there he just keeps to himself or keeps close to his siblings. He loves black tie wear tho! He thinks it looks so snazzy and nice!

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? 

He doesn’t really like big parties, doesn’t like big crowds. If he was dragged along to a party, he would just stick close to whoever brought him.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I haven’t thought of that oops

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Probably some clothes, some books, first aid kit, food and water, and little games to keep himself entertained.

[elsa-autumn]

I stepped foot in the States one year ago, and to be honest, at that moment I would never believe if anyone told me that this country would hold on to my heart.

However, this is not a story about how well America treated me, but the story of me being beaten up by the United States. which we always refer to "tough love." This is the story of me learning to become a young adult while I was in the USA.

08/2017: Over-excited

After a 2-day flight, I finally landed at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX). It was the most terrible flight that I could imagine. Instead of 14-hour straight flight from HongKong to LAX. I had to take off and landing 6 times, arrive 4 destinations, go through 4 different time zones due to the technical and medical issue.

Despite the long tired flight and being jetlag because of 14-hour different time zone, I managed to get super excited about everything around and got back to my normal health condition after 3 days.

I study in the Southern California, my University located near Los Angeles (LA) - the angel city. I was so excited about the new country which I have only seen through movies, books...I could not believe that I was there, in the scene of the movies that I have always watched.

During the first month, it seemed to be that nothing could ever bother me. The weather was perfect with the sun, blue sky and of course, the palms. Just took a deep breath and I could feel the ocean breeze into my lung, the wind went through hair, and the most wonderful thing was the sun. The sun was not so hot but shine enough to warm you up and make everything looked beautiful. People around me in that little city was very nice and friendly, stranger greeted me with adorable smiles, uber drivers asked me about my day and told me about theirs.

Above all, one of the things I enjoyed most was being free from the control of my parents. I lived with my parents for 20 years and never got a chance to be independent. So yes, I was willing to fly across the world, to study in a country that was 12,000 miles away from home, just to experience the "independence."

No one from home could reach me physically, I had my own world, follow my own rules. Me being stupid thinking: what could go wrong?

And yes, everything could go wrong, and there came September...

09/2017: Language barrier

All the excitement gradually ended while August passing by. It left me confusing with the new month: September.

By that time, I started the school year for about 2 weeks. Nothing much happened in class but it was enough for me to lightly realize the difficulty in a daily conversation. I was totally fine with the lectures, however, when it came to a normal conversation with a new friend, I was shocked by how terrible my English was.

It seemed like all the English I have been taught in school had nothing to do with whatever language I was hearing. They pronounced differently, they used all kind of slang words and idioms, they spoke so fast while I stood still with my mouth open.

I was so shocked, how was I able to make friends when I could not even understand the language?

I tried so hard to start and keep a conversation with my classmates, but I could not get any further than the basic questions: "what is your major?" "how many classes do you take?"

It took me no less than a month to "kind of" understand and be more fluent in the language. But I could never be a "native speaker" (I still have my American friends laugh at my pronunciation today).

I thought that language barrier was a shock to me until I realize that things were going to get worse. And this time, it got me really hard! Say hello to October...

10/2017: Cultural shock

After I reached the level of “kind of” understand what my American friends were talking about, I realized that I had no idea what did they mean.

In turned out that understanding the language was not enough to participate in a conversation, obviously, I needed to have common cultural background knowledge which I did not have at that time. And this so-called "cultural shock" hit me so hard. I felt like I was a 5-year old child who was trying learn to speak and act among a bunch of college students.

My American classmates talked about all kind of stuff and I could not even understand the most basic things. For example, when we asked each other about our days, they told me about the "animal style" meal they had at In n Out, or the very cheap bottle of water they just got at Walmart. And while nodding at their stories, I secretly tried to remember all the brand names so that I could google them at home later that day. Another time when my friends asked me how far was my home country, I proudly answered: 15,000km, just to realize that they used mile instead.

There was one thing I noticed about students in my University, which I believed that partly contributed to my cultural shock: although that they were very nice and tried to help me, they were not open to another culture. Everything around me was not as easy as people always pictured about an "international life." This was not a summer camp where everyone came from different parts of the world, tried to learn a new language, a new culture and made the world a better place. This was nothing like the international student events that many people talked about or might be experienced (as I did when I was at home).People around me were at their home, there was almost no one else in my classes but me being an international student. They were not in a mood for openness or tried to learn a new culture, they were in their homeland, and there was no reason for them to try to "blend-in" another culture.

I had a very hard time making friends and felt lonely more than ever. I was a super extrovert person when I was in Vietnam, and then I could even dare to start a conversation with anyone. I registered all of my classes alone (without any Vietnamese friends), therefore my schedule was also different and I had to do everything alone. If I could not make any friend in my classes, then I did not have anyone to talk at school. Then there came the chain of alone days, when I just wondered around campus by myself. I often sat at a small corner in the campus, had lunch alone and wished that someone could come and talk to me. And of course, the obvious result of culture shock was depression which I had in November...

11/2017: Depression and Anxiety Disorder

While I was suffering from culture shock, I also took 6 classes - the maximum number that anyone could take in one semester. And it was a stupid idea to take that many classes!I also had a high expectation of myself. Well, after all, I came to the US to learn, and I had nothing much to do but learning, I should be good at it. That was exactly what I thought during the first semester, I aimed to have straight A in all of my 6 classes (another stupid idea of mine, however, I got 3.9 GPA after all).

I was overloaded by all of the school work, by my high expectation on myself. And I missed home at the same time, I felt so lonely and being left out of the society, the only one I could talk to was my roommate. However, I could not reach for help from my family or my friends since everyone was half a globe away. The reason made me felt so happy in the first month also was the same thing that broke me down: independence. I struggled in my own world, no one could help me or even gave me a hug to tell me that everything would be alright.

My friends and my family at home just could not understand what was happening to me in a land so far away, and my new friends here could not understand how everything worked for me in a land so far away too.I was tired, I had a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep for a few weeks, I could not eat, I felt like vomiting all the time. I cried a lot (almost every day, sometimes even in the middle of the campus) and hide in a corner of the room.

I felt like I could not take it anymore, I could not be in the USA for even another single day. I could not remember how many times I searched for a flight ticket to go back home on the next day. I just remembered sat in the bathroom at 4am and cried my eyes out, I felt so hard to breathe and all I could say to my friend at home was “take me home, please. Take me home, I can not handle it anymore, I just want to go home”. At a point, I even felt like I was literally dying, I came to the medical center at the university and sought for the help of a psychological counselor. I just sat there and cried non-stop for half an hour. But when she asked me if I wanted to have permission to reduce the classes, I said no, I wanted to extend my limit of handling the stress but not giving up and run away. It was even harder for me to give up than struggling because of stress. To be honest, I did not know what kept me going forward through those tired lonely days. I just knew that I had to get through that, that was how I could grow up!  

12/2017: Identity Crisis

Just right after I thought I’ve got myself together, and I finally got everything better. I had the biggest crisis of all: identity crisis. After more than 3 months staying in the United States, I started to get along very well with my American friends. I enjoyed being surrounded by many friends, and I loved the feeling of finding a place I could belong to. However, in order to blend in, I had to dress like American, talked like American, acted like American and partied like American. I gradually changed into a different version of myself.

I learned to talk like my American friends, I made stupid jokes and pretended to care about things that I did not. I started to do my make up differently (normally I just had my lipstick on), I tried to have a tanned skin, with dark eyes shadow and nude lipstick. I said yes whenever a friend asked me to go to the bar. Me, a 21-year old girl who never drank before, got drunk every weekend.

Then it got worse, at the beginning, I got home at 2:30am and felt so terrible about that. Then gradually, I got home later than that, 3:00 am, 4:00 and I even did not get home at all. At first, I just got drunk over the weekend so that I could recover in time for a new week. However, I then found myself was drunk on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...I was drowning in the circle of getting drunk and hangover. Since I spend too much time on hanging out and drank so much alcohol. I felt my health and my mind was damage seriously. I felt weak and my grade dropped a little bit just before the final exams.

But I had fun at least? No! It might be fun for the first few times. To be honest, the fun was not worth the cost at all. It cost me my health, my grade, my money and still, I felt extremely unhappy when I woke up the next day. It felt like in America, they did not talk about their problem. They would party and swallow that problem themselves by alcohol. I did the same thing, although I missed home so much and I was going crazy because of the loneliness. I could not talk to anyone about it, everyone had their own problem and I learn to suppress my problems in the American way. However, because I did not solve my problem, it did not go away, it was still there and got bigger every single day. And the worst feeling was not when I was drunk, but after that, in the next morning, when I found myself hangover as hell and I was still lonely in a place that I did not belong to. I have drifted away with all the parties and alcohol. At one point, I looked back and freaked out realizing that I was not myself anymore. Actually, I did not know who I was back then. I was not a Vietnamese girl and not an American girl either. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of two worlds. I did not belong to anywhere.Lucky for me, I had a very long vacation after the first semester. I went on a very long trip to the East Coast and to Canada, just to find the old me back. And I did, I was back to being me, just me.

2017 was one hell of a year, but I got through it, proudly!