#also $100 an hour?? that’s serious money I’d be insane to turn that down

[sloppysequinz]

Could I hire you for a side gig on weekends where we just get you obliterated, and you make 100 bucks per hour you last while drunk/high/crossfaded?

I’m not sure you’re serious about this, but here are my thoughts:

It would have to be certain weekends, not all weekends. I would have to decide when it’s safe and sane, meaning I have no other plans, freedom to obliterate, and no chance of driving. I do set aside weekends like this to binge once in a while already and I’m happy with the way I do it, so you’d be paying for those predetermined weekends.

I would only post the same things I already post. Followers could send me hits/drinks/whatever as usual and I will post text posts and maybe some non-explicit pics, as I do. I would not be willing to do more.

If you want to pay me 100 bucks per hour drunk and/or high, it will be expensive. For reference, on Saturday, when I chugged that bottle of wine, that was me drunk 10:30-12:30 so that would be $200. My typical binge evening is 5pm to midnight, so I could easily run you $700, and my record is 10am to 2am, which would be $1600. Do not underestimate how long I can be drunk and high.

That being said, if you want to pay me for this, I will say yes. I’ll set up rules and ways to get me drunk/high via tumblr notes and interactions, I’ll buy the booze and weed and publish a list of what I have so people can direct me, I’ll post regular updates so you can track how long I’m drunk/high for. My cash app is $TheRainbowFish, anyone can send me money there for any reason.

[360iris]

NSFW Alphabets: Sirius Black (Poly!Marauders Edition)

In which Sirius is in a polyamorous relationship with James, Remus, yourself and Lily.

A - Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He’s the type that almost immediately launches into your specific after-sex routine. He’ll leave the holding and kissing part to the others while he gets warm rags and a pitcher of water.

Makes sure you’re all cleaned up and having a clean set of sleeping clothes on; might even fix your hair so it’s not all over your head depending on how crazy the night was.

Very much the quietly caring type.

B - Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His favorite aspect of himself is his hair, he devotes so much time, money and care into keeping it soft and long. He loves when you or the others play in it (despite how many times he might grumble, it’s an act). Not to mention when he’s giving oral and you pull at his roots? He’ll work even harder to please you.

His favorite aspect of you are your hands. He loves that you’re almost all hands, always subconsciously grabbing for him; it makes him feel wanted, needed even. Enjoys when your hands are in his hair, holding his own, or mischievously drifting over his thighs.

C - Cum (Anything to do with cum)

He loves seeing you swallow, there’s just something hot about it that gets him going? He also gets a kick out of coming on your chest, thighs or butt? It’s probably a marking territory type of thing.

D - Dirty Secret

Extreme throat fucking is probably his favorite way to get off. Forcing himself down your throat until your lips are touching his base and then holding you there by the hair at the base of your neck until you’re crying from the strain? Most definitely his thing.

When he has to pull out for a second to let you cough and try to catch your breath, he’d 100% spend the time degrading you.

“It wasn’t even that long, stop you sniveling and get back over here. Didn’t you say you wanted to be good for me?”

E - Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Very! Probably the most experienced out of all the Marauders.

The man is downright gorgeous, with the darkest onyx locks that fall past his shoulders; not to mention a tongue and wit that’s sharper than a sword. Interested partners flocked to him and he got plenty of physical use out of those encounters, but he never paid mind to them emotionally. His heart was set on particular group of dummies.

He knows what he’s doing and knows how to pinpoint what you like by watching your reactions. He’s very adaptable and changes his approach around your needs. A very sexually intelligent and intuitive partner.

F - Favorite Position

Doggy style for when you’re being punished, it’s a way to distance the intimacy and focus on the act. Also allows for easy spankings.

The Ballet Dancer and the Upstanding Citizen are his usual go-to positions bc they allow for face-to-face interaction.

He loves getting to see your reactions during sex, not only does it allow him to gauge how to best please you, but also gives him a sense of satisfaction to see you come undone up close.

G - Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc?)

His during sex humor is usually derived from him degrading you. He’ll laugh at you for how whiny and needy you’re being or for how quickly you came. He enjoys being a sarcastic asshole.

H - Hot Spots (A place that drives them crazy when touched)

Massaging his scalp really gets him going regardless of if he’d directly admit it or not. The second your fingers begin caressing gentle circles in his hair, he’s melting into a puddle. Very puppy of him to be honest.

Rubbing the back of his ears probably gets him too, I have a feeling they’re quite sensitive to touch.

I - Intimacy (How are they in the moment, romantically?)

His intimacy is very serious, all lingering steely stares, face-to-face closeness and caressing of your hips. His love is quietly passionate and searing.

Because of his childhood and being disowned at sixteen, he’s been very weary of caring about others. He had Remus and James and that was enough for him. He could love them freely and know it wouldn’t burn him.

With you however, he couldn’t begin to control his love. The way you seemed to understand who he was at his core. The way he could love you no matter the weather or the consequences. The way your opinion of him never swayed, even when he was hurting the most.

His love for you is the unsung and unspoken kind, no need for the words because you can feel his adoration through his actions. Through his unwavering stares and tender caresses.

J - Jack Off (Masturbation Headcanon)

He’s not obsessed with it, but if he’s feeling particularly overstimulated in the mornings or after a Quidditch match, he just might stroke himself in the showers. He could also be into the idea of mutual masturbation.

K - Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Impact play + sadism

He enjoys seeing the aftermath of sex. The bruises on your thighs, love-bites on your neck and the lingering redness on your butt.

Corruption kink

Remus was the first partner you’d had before he’d introduced you to his friends. Sirius loved seeing how they slowly trained you into becoming more confident and sexually aware.

Degradation

The process of getting you to point where all your inhibitions are abandoned and the only thing you can even think of wanting is him, thrills him like no other. All shame, embarrassment or guilt gone.

Voyeurism

Whether it’s in an abandoned classroom, the library or an empty hallway, he loves the anticipation; the paranoia and pleasure in your eyes.

L - Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere but his favorite has to be abandoned classrooms. Your button-up wrinkled, skirt hiked up and figure bent over a desk. What can be better than that?

M - Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going?)

His love for you motivates him like no other. The need to see you under him with watery eyes and puffy lips begging him to do something, anything.

N - No (Something they won’t do, turn offs)

Big no to bodily fluids that aren’t spit. Doesn’t do CNC, he wants his partners to be eager and willing so even the act of genuinely not wanting it turns him off.

O - Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

He’s fine with either because they give him a different sense of pleasure. He’s very observant so once he’s assessed what pleases you the most, he leans into that hard until you’re shaking.

P - Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual?)

Slow but impacting, allowing you both to savor the way he slides into you. The pain of the stretch but also the pleasure of the veins and ridges of his length.

Q - Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc)

He’s definitely not the type to say no to a quickie unless he’s intentionally playing a long game. Usually he has no problem pulling you away from to group to fuck in a random broom closet.

R - Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks, etc?)

He’s all for trying new positions or fucking in different locations. By no means is he vanilla.

S - Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

Three rounds at most on a good day! He could probably last an hour or two, with foreplay and all.

T - Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or on themselves?)

He has dildo for himself when he wants to masturbate or for when he lets you peg him. The rest of the toys are for the sole purpose of overstimulation either you or himself.

U - Unfair (How much do they like to tease?)

A teaser one hundred percent! The power edging gives him over you is intoxicating. Denying you release until you’re sobbing makes him overly giddy. Definitely the time when he’s smiling the widest.

V - Volume (How loud are they? What sounds do they make?)

Grunts, curses and sighs are the most you can get from him regularly. Introducing vibrators can easily change that however.

W - Wild Card (Random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He’s secretly into pet play? Loves reminding you that bunnies don’t make noise. You can bet on pastel collars, lingerie and tail butt plugs (if you’re into of course.)

X - X-Ray (What’s going on under those clothes)

A very lean torso, he’s not insanely built but definitely has firm muscles. Very nice abs from all those years of obsessively playing Quidditch.

His penis is about 6-7 inches hard, a few veins along the length of it with a protruding, pink tip.

Y - Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Average, he’s not always thinking about sex but he’d never turn down an advance from you or the others. I’d say a healthy amount.

Z - ZZZ (How quickly do they fall asleep afterwards?)

Pretty quickly? He’s not one to stay up chatting so I’d drift off after making sure you’re all comfy and properly taken care of.

[televisor-reviews]

Top 10 WORST Movies Of 2018!

As everyone is talking about their favorite and least favorite films of last year, I’d much rather take a look at what came out two years ago! This is what I do every New Year, get used to it. And keep in mind that I haven’t seen every film from 2018, so as bad as I’m sure Sherlock Gnomes and Pacific Rim: Uprising are, I haven’t gotten around to them. If you’d like a list of every film I have seen, I have them listed on my Letterboxd: https://drive.google.com/uc?id=1HnDnQ4ibO82ryM9lOCGgw1FZhVLdC4SZ

#10. Fifty Shades Freed On my 2015 list, I didn’t even bother putting Fifty Shades Of Grey on it because I thought it was absolutely hilarious! On my 2017 list, I placed Fifty Shades Darker at the very top for its lack of even the basics of what makes a decent flick, notably there being no real plot. So I guess I’m meeting this franchise in the middle by putting Fifty Shades Freed at the tenth spot for just how batshit this movie is. Shit kinda just happens randomly with little to no reason while also not being funny in the slightest. In fact, large segments of the film is kinda boring, particularly the sex scenes in which there are so many that by the 20th time, you’d just get used to it like a jump scare in Winchester. Really, the biggest reason this is only at #10 is because Fifty Shades Freed has Freed us all from this series, assuming that a film adaptation of Grey isn’t made. And that’s the greatest compliment I’ve ever given to one of these movies. #9. A Wrinkle In Time I once heard someone justify Disney’s live action remakes by saying they help fund their more unique film escapades like Nutcracker And The Four Realms (which barely didn’t make the list). The problem with that is that I don’t want those ether! And considering how Solo and The Rise Of Skywalker turned out, maybe Disney’s live action department should just stick with Marvel movies. Honestly, I don’t completely remember why I left the theater after seeing A Wrinkle In Time so angry, like legitimately pissed off. I remember the girl who looks like one of the Mean Girls being treated like a member of the Losers Club, how terrible the child acting was, how even worse the adult acting was, how annoying everybody who wasn’t Chris Pine was, and how that little kid was named Charles Wallace because the characters said it at least a million times! Considering how angry I am just writing about it, I’m guessing it was a combination of all of those elements being wrapped up with a pretentious bow. Honestly, A Wrinkle In Time was a humongous waste of my time. #8. Show Dogs It’s a bad sign when the movie starring Bojack Horseman yelling at Ludacris dog is only at #8 on my list. The big reason for that is because this is so terrible that I had to break down laughing at times. Not because Show Dogs is genuinely or ironically funny, it’s just so batshit insane that I had to laugh. Almost like a defense reflex: like if I wasn’t laughing, I’d end up jumping off the roof. The plot is crazy, the acting is crazy, the whole fucking idea is crazy! I’d like you to stop and imagine Will Arnett with the straightest face possible yelling at a dog voiced by Ludacris that nobody can actually hear in the middle of a very serious police station about the dog fucking up an undercover job and somehow not laughing your ass off. That is what it was like watching Show Dogs. You’re welcome. #7. Slender Man I think people really downgrade how good horror has been lately. I know that in a world of Insidious: The Last Key and Truth Or Dare, it’s easy to be pessimistic. And I think people also dismiss the greatness the internet has had on modern pop culture. Considering how bad things like Daphne And Velma and Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle are, I kinda get it. In reality, these tend to be the outliers among a lot of greatness, but after seeing Slender Man, I’m starting to think similarly. I was one of the only people who was actually excited about this movie because I’m young enough to remember a time when Slender Man: The Eight Pages was the scariest thing in the world and after seeing how well Hollywood treated the character in Beware The Slender Man, I was really hopeful. Little did I know that Madhouse Entertainment had one of the least interesting and least scary horror movies I’ve ever seen with boring characters, a monster that’s barely in the movie, and a script that’s closer to Rings than it is to its source material. I really hope this’ll go the way of Ouija and Annabelle and end up having a really good followup or else Slender Man will be a huge blot on the legitimacy of the internet. #6. Snake Outta Compton I’m gonna be straight with y’all, I have been doing a pretty bad job at keeping up with horror B-movies lately. I mean, I did watch The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time and Leprechaun Returns but those were mostly just mediocre, even within the context of the rest of their franchises. So when I saw the title Snake Outta Compton, I knew I had to watch it expecting something really stupid and funny as all hell. Instead I got a boring and uninteresting barely even an attempt at cinema. I really hated this film, it’s just such a boringly dull film where little to nothing ever happens and I hated every dumb second of it. The terrible rapping, the awful effects, the horrendous acting, everything in snake Outta Compton sucks and I hate it. #5. Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom Remember that god awful polar bear movie starring Rob Schneider from a few years ago… yeah, they made four of those. Normal people would say the first Norm Of The North was the absolute bottom of the barrel, I say “No!… It’s Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom,” and even more suicidal people would probably say it’s Norm Of The North: King Sized Adventure. If you thought the animation in the original was bad, you’ve seen nothing! This is so bad that I’m not even sure it should be considered animation! This is so bad that it makes Duck Duck Goose look like The Grinch! This is so bad that they couldn’t even get Rob Schneider back! The plot, it’s like this is one of those straight to DVD Disney sequels that were made up of episodes of conceled TV shows except why would anyone try to make Norm Of the FUCKING North into a TV show! But apparently it made money considering how (and I’ll repeat this again) there are four of these! Maybe the immense failure of Arctic Dogs will stop Entertainment Studios from making any more. #4. The Thinning: New World Order Speaking of sequels that’ll make the originals look like masterpieces, we’ve got Logan Paul’s magnum opus, coming straight outta that Japanese suicide forest. A film that tells you that a country made up of the smartest 95% of citizens are stupid enough to not catch on to the pretty obvious government plan going on in this universe. Even more so, apparently presidents to be are allowed to just make major laws that’ll arrest about 50% of the population before being sworn in as president. But even more so, I’m to believe that Logan Paul of all people is smart enough to escape these poorly conceived concentration camps. This is a key example of suspension of disbelief gone too far. I don’t believe for a second that this world actually could exist. And I want everyone reading this to remember The Thinning: New World Order after seeing what I put at number one that even liberals can make terrible movies too! #3. The 15:17 To Paris No shit, this is easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. No joke, no sarcasm, the Clint Eastwood trainwreck that is The 15:17 To Paris is by far one of the worst movies of the decade… and it’s only at #3 on my bottom 10 of the year. Let me explain. Where the absolute bottom of the barrels of the year are total slogs that I wouldn’t be able to stand watching again, this is actually really fun to watch. Immediately after seeing it in theaters, I wanted to see it again just to make sure it wasn’t a fever dream. In every conversation I have, I recommend this movie because it has to be seen to be believed. Of all the films on this list, this is the only one I’d actually recommend to people. No other film has the balls to portray three normies with ADD talking as boringly as possible taking selfies in Venice for 30 minutes for no goddamn reason. In no other movie will you see a bunch of comedians try and do serious roles that they had no right being casted in. When I went back to school and brought this up with my film nerd friends, every one of them had a different story of watching this. My god, please watch The 15:17 To Paris so that we can convince Clint Eastwood into making The 15:18 To Paris. #2. Gotti Let me tell ya, Gotti is one of the wurst felms ya’ll evar see! Who in da hell convinced John Travolta that he culd do serious roles! But in all seriousness, this movie sucks. I’m not super familiar with the story of John Gotti, and by that I mean I’ve never even heard the name before seeing this film. And I’m pretty sure that to even get what’s going on in this, you’d have to see a 3 hour documentary on the guy beforehand or else you’d be incredibly confused the entire time because I know I was! Don’t even ask me what happens in Gotti because I have no clue. It goes all over the place with different characters doing different things at different points in time and eventually, I stopped paying attention! I do remember that there were about 20 characters named “John,” John Gotti only kills one guy though I’m pretty sure that as a mob boss he’d kill more, and I have no idea how this mafia makes money. Oh, and this convicted feline is apparently also Jesus Christ. I’ll tells yas, ya can live 100 yeers an neva see a moovy as bad as Gotti. Before we get to #1, let’s do some runners up!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom I wanted so bad to put this on the list because as a pretty big Jurassic Park fan, I can fairly say that Fallen Kingdom is easily the worst film in the franchise. If only because of that dumb ass twist at the end with that kid I kinda forgot even existed. Or just for those annoying ass comedic reliefs that are consistently useless. Or just because on a base filmmaking level, this movie sucks. Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate Listen, I’m openly and proudly bisexual, so I get how important it is to get good representation out there in the film industry. And I also get why a lot of the Ru Paul: Drag Race fandom has latched onto this series. But Jesus Christ guys, drag queens can do better and they deserve better. From Russia With Hate is definitely a step in the right direction with it being way more interesting and fun than the first Hurricane Bianca… but come on guys! These aren’t good movies! Just watch more Drag Race, it’s much better. The Happytime Murders Disney, please let Muppets Now be good! The puppetry artform deserves better than this garbage! The Happytime Murders is a movie in which half the jokes is that a puppet is jizzing a lot. Honestly, my biggest beef with this film is that it doesn’t even get to the heart of what people love about the Jim Henson style of puppetry, notably the fun. Look at most of the cast, they are very humanoid compared to Kermit The Frog or Fozzy Bear. This movie is, first and foremost, not fun. Bob Lazar: Area 51 And Flying Saucers This is my nomination for worst documentary of the year. It’s just annoying to me that this guy can get away with lying to so many people without any repercussions. In fact, he gets this whole documentary that’s basically sucking his dick the entire time! I went in expecting something along the lines of Behind The Curve, a doc that takes an even stance at looking at its crazy subject matter but in a respectful way. In reality, Area 51 And Flying Saucers isn’t even in the slightest being totally on Bob Lazar’s side without questioning his all knowing wisdom for a second and is n’t respectful in the slightest for the intelligence of its viewers! Fuck this doc! A Simple Favor This is my nomination for best worst movie of the year. A Simple Favor is a crazy film with a cast and crew taking it weirdly seriously for a comedy, all with super monotone voices. None of the actual jokes are genuinely funny but lots of them are ironically hilarious. Granted I was very high while watching this, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best state of mind to be in while watching it! And did I mention how nobody acts during this but rather just say their lines monotonely! Loved it! God’s Not Dead: A Light In Darkness This was the year Christian propaganda got boring. I was so excited when I went to see I Can Only Imagine in theaters as my first theatrical Christian film experience only to be totally disappointed when it turned out to be pretty dull. Even more so when, later on in the year, the newest installment in the world famous God’s Not Dead franchise, the same one that first brought upon this new age of Christian based filmmaking that’s brought me so much joy before, turned out to be similarly dull. There was a split moment when a character states, “Jesus Christ was the original social justice warrior,” when I was brought back to life with its own stupidity, but it turned out to be fleeting. Not outrageous enough to be put on the list, but too outrageous to be any good. So this is how God’s Not Dead ends: not with a bang, but with a whimper. The Meg And speaking of boring, The Meg has to be the most boring shark movie ever made. A film that feels like it lasts for days and in which no real stakes feel like are in play. This has got to be the most boring and dull and uninteresting and BORING movie of the year! And considering how boring of a year it was for film, that’s saying a goddamn lot! Mary Poppins Returns I feel like I went through an arc of my own while watching this. I went from, “this isn’t bad,” to, “okay, this is a little too much like the original,” to, “why the fuck am I watching this?” Mary Poppins Returns feels like one of the Disney live action remakes because it’s basically just a shittier version of the original with absolutely no good reason to exist let alone to watch, especially compared to said original. And the climax makes absolutely no sense with the logic of the film universe; she can literally fly! And by god, does this feel like anything but Mary Poppins. Blockers Listen, I get that this film is sex positive and that’s a really great thing and all the actors are really trying their best. But it is all in vain for this film with a really unfunny script and that’s kinda important for a comedy. Sometimes Blockers can get a chuckle out of me because of how over the top it can get at times but those are just outliers in a mostly mediocre movie that got built up too much because of how much positivity is in this. Proud Mary Proud Mary is the perfect example of a film in which just because someone can do it well, doesn’t mean everyone can. Ever since Quentin Tarantino has been making movies like Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, throw back action films have been really cool to see. Then, all of a sudden, the director of London Has Fallen had to come around and remind everyone that they can’t all be winners. Mostly dull dialogue between characters I don’t care about waiting for the action that isn’t even all that good. I was really hopeful that Proud Mary would be fun, but it’s anything but. #1. The Trump Prophecy Listen, I get that when I say that a movie literally titled The Trump Prophecy is the worst film of the year, it comes off as if I’m making a big political statement but believe me, I am not. Politically, admittedly, I am pretty liberal but I’m not really a political dude. But I do know terrible filmmaking when I see it, and believe it or not, a film about a crazy firefighter who gets a vision in his sleep from a god orb that Donald Trump must be president might not be very good. In fact, fuck this cynical, piece of shit, taking advantage of conservatives, monotonely acted, with no love or passion put into it, goddamn movie! As much as I didn’t like any of the movies I’ve mentioned on this list, it’s clear someone, anyone, was passionate about making them. But considering how clearly the director never asked any of his actors to do a second take, no love is clearly put into this. How cynical, how shameless. As someone who does genuinely love the art of filmmaking and would adore the opportunity to make a relatively big budget movie myself, the fact that something as lifeless as The Trump Prophecy gets to be put into any theaters really pisses me off. Say what you want about The 15:17 To Paris, at least it had its heart in the right place. Say what you want about Gotti, at least John Travolta was obviously passionate about the project. This has nothing and is easily the most hatable film I’ve seen in years!

[energonalucard]

A FEM Team of my Own Design (RED Edition)

Usually, I don't like doing this kinda stuff. One: I don't usually share my ideas and I am very nervous. Second: FEM characters are one thing, BUT A WHOLE (TWO) TEAM makes me sweat. The good sweat, but also a nervous sweat. Because I am now sharing a personal part of my brain and my love for woman. Beautiful. Lovely. Yes. 

@medics-secret-shipfic-folder, this is one half of those FEM's I talked about! 

Is this more OC team's then canon gender swap? Yeah, and that's because I don't think that's my endgame here, I didn't make these for a gender bend AU, I made them out of love and from a community of great idea makers. I'd rather make OC's then be another generic half-hearted bending AU maker. <3 <3

Also, this really is just a dumb fact thing as I don't want to give away plot stuff. Fun facts and getting to know them a bit. 

(Yes, I said PLOT) 

═══════❖══════════════❖═══════════

-- RED Team: 

𝗦𝗰𝗼𝘂𝘁: The default FEM Scout you see around. Pony-tail, blonde like normal Scout, Bostonian. Has a bit of dimples but I swear, she'll punch you if you call her cute. 

She/Her. Straight, but an Ally. Or so she says. Nobody believes her.

But something you won't know is how many sisters she has! The answer is four. Four sisters and a single dad back in Boston. While lower on the sibling count then most Scout's she is far more likely to NOT talk your ear off in a large group... but will corner you and chat you a blue streak if your like Sniper or Spy and seclude yourself. Since she has less family to push her to run, she's a slower Scout but she can run ALL day pal. Even Medic needs a break but she keeps going, going, going...

Will beat you with heels/pumps (Spy will have loaned them) if you even offer the idea of her wearing them. Sneakers, pal, are Gods gift to feet.

Right handed, and uses left only to throw a ball or clever. Only. ONLY. 

Once drank Mad Milk. No one saw them for three days. Medic had her strapped to a table. She apparently was found in town on a rooftop at 6 AM after vomiting loud enough for neighbors to notice. She got better, but has amnesia from the incident.

Favorite weapon of all time is the Holy Mackerel, because its freaking hilarious and Spy's are disgusted by it. Also reminds her of her dad only being able to cook fish and roast back home in Boston.

𝗦𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗲𝗿: Looks like the canonical Soldier, but her hair is similar to the Battle Bob (https://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Battle_Bob) but with no bangs and it barely peaking from her helmet. Blonde, American, and named John Doe respectively. 

She/Her. Bi(romantic/sexual). 

Has a thing for tank tops and will wear them around base when not on duty, because she's a very sweaty person and her clothes suffer (and who ever does laundry as well). This was a compromise. Trust the RED Team on that one (Medic approved).

Helmet 100% of the time though.

Bra comes off = be ready for a fight maggot.

Has more lower body strength, absolutely loves the Manntreads. But don't underestimate her running Original. See her on Battalion? She most likely has Rage ready when she pops out of nowhere.

Has no idea why people tell her walking around naked is weird/distracting/rude or whatnot. She's covered up! In jam (Pyro mourns their jam and preservatives cupboard)!

𝗣𝘆𝗿𝗼: Looks... exactly how a Pyro should. Like a balloon bodied Pyro. Yeah, nothing strange here other then their SASS. Dear heavens.

They/Them. Non-binary.

You've only seen these Pyro's around three or four bases in your entire LIFETIME. This walking bag of fire does not have time for ANY bullshit. Loves doing the windup middle finger when someone does something stupid/rude. Isn't really all that serious as they are made out to be but you get it.

Still loves Balloonicorn and cooking even though they act like any other merc. Has a tea set with crudely melted crayons on its outside.

Wanna get BACK here? BACK into THEIR base? Turn around and head BACK son. Backburner and Thruster Pack predator, all day unless the team suffers.

Covers up Soldier in a towel if she's naked. Sows up Demo's pants if she splits them. Engie loves them when they swing by with anything cinnamon realated. Second most likely to do everyone's laundry.

Arsonist Guardian of the Year Award. 

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗿: Just like Scout, the typical Femgineer model but this time, she's more chubby then her skinny model on Gamebanana. Her overalls like default Engineer helps her self esteem though. Brunette, Texan, and still a shortie. 

She/Her. Bi(romantic/sexual), but leans more towards men.

Ever seen a small volcano of 5'4'' and puffy red cheecks? You've met it, you've angered it. But you ain't staying conscious for long. Not with her weilding a Southern Hospitality just for this occasion.

Has made many comments about making traps and watching unfortunate folk "disappear" from her daddy's old farm. Nobody questions why the cameras in the building have tiny barrels attached to them and a laser sight. 

Has mentioned a husband or at least a male partner once to Sniper. Never elaborated. Never showed a ring or even a smile when talking about him.

Cinnamon and jam enthusiast along with Pyro, and the most flustered when Soldier is covered in it. 

Hair bun is a must unless she ties it flat with pins. Short hair because she don't wanna catch fire. Smells like burnt metal and a dulled oil smell nobody can rinse out of her clothes. Her hardhat is permanently on her head, googles are a go too. Welding smock and overalls in and out of battle.

𝗛𝗲𝗮𝘃𝘆: Like before, like Gamebanana FEM Heavy. Brunette (like two of her sisters), Russian, and actually has scars all across her chest if you can see her shirt peak off-hours.

She/Her. Lesbian (romantically involved with RED Medic). 

You probably think Medic is the one most likely to do laundry since I said Pyro was second right? (I'm not that predictable ;>) Nope, its Heavy. Heavy doesn't like machine washers unless she has to deal with jeans or other thicker fabrics she knows won't dry in under 12 hours correctly (because they fight EVERY day). She washed unmentionables too, and does not make it weird. Until Sniper literally has to answer about why all her underwear is stained yellow, Sniper she just wants you to have nice clean clothes--

You ask Pyro for dinner if you miss a meal or have a diet going on. If Heavy catches anyone not eating, they eat double. Diets? Heavy always grew up with the mentality you ate what you could get, but Heavy is not heartless. Since food types are abundant, she is careful about diets. But she'll still make you eat it double. 

Her girlfriend doesn't eat pork products, so she understands. (Slightly)

Natasha may be her right hand gun but her doctor will always have her heart and soul. Still bought a better bed for Natasha though, but don't tell doctor. 

Once beat a male Scout cause he called her ally Engineer a fatty. Has had to fend off two Scout's from her team's Spy ("Heavy, they had information I needed." / "Intelligence? Bah."). Actually stepped on a drunk Demo's crotch on accident, but did apologise. 

Loves her girlfriends muscles way more then her curves, she has no idea why. But she can appreciation a nice bottom when she sees it. 

Two little sisters, an older brother who's tettering around step-brother, and a mother who's nearly paralyzed from the waist down. But that woman was her light, she did things not many woman do anymore and for that wisdom and learning, Heavy is grateful. Mother also instilled a fear of swatters with a shoe tied to it. Creative, but scary.

𝗗𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗮𝗻: Actually looks like The Demowoman made based on Drew Wolf's own design, but I think a bit more fuller in the cheeks and chin (more square). Scottish, eyes sharp as a sass lass, and a thick as hell skull.

She/Her. Pan(romantic/sexual).

Once cried in a pile of bras while drunk. Not her own. That's how everyone learned about Spy being... more on that later.

Has a father and mother, but both are leaning so far towards insanity she gave up listening a long time ago. Still doesn't back talk them though, she just pacifies them by dividing her money and saying she has many jobs.

Gains weight like crazy, and its not all the alcohols fault. Food is just very heavy in America and since the team is 1/3 American she feels enlarged everytime a meal based around or for the Americans is brought out. And dear god Heavy, bear goes straight to her muffin top. Spy notices her uncomfortable nature when eating and generally tries to swap out their plates (Spy fussing at the chief before dinner saying she needs X on her plate and not Y, just so Demo can keep her ideal self). (Don't tell Demo, she's too drunk to notice it)

Actually will hug Soldier when naked and be like, "Nothing weird about it". Has actually kissed Spy's hand like you'd do royalty as a joke. Has actually spun Medic around in a circle in a bear hug before. 

She's all for makeup, but really, all she can manage normally and steadily is lipstick. At least she can wipe it away if she wants (can't wipe away the pain of stabbing your only good eye with a mascara brush). 

Nobody touches her hair, never. But she likes doing other's hair. She isn't all that good with cutting or styling or maintaining hair, but playing with hair or just running her hands through it is amazing. The body hair on her legs is shaven and so are her underarms, but her arms and "moustache" that Scout notices are well grown out.

Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Laun--

Hair always under a beany, nobody sees her hair until much later. She had it all in one wide french braid. Wait, doesn't she normally fail at braids? How did she get that? 

𝗠𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰: (Okay, this is where similarities in the FEM models stops. To me, I don't really like the FEM Medic model as much as I should for OC's so I'll explain Medic as best I can.) Just like any male Medic counterpart and she has a square-ish chin, with curves almost as boxy as some of her cosmetics. But its a good boxy, she's wide with muscle and shoulders to carry injured teammates. Black hair, German, and the creepiest white teeth you've ever seen.

She/Her. Lesbian (romantically involve with the Heavy). Gay Energy™.

Thicc thighs saves lives. Like, no joke. She is mostly muscles in her legs and torso so everyone assumed she was good at running. Even Scout. Once lifted Demo with ease in her arms and gave Pyro a piggyback ride all at once. It did strain her back and she was slower, but she was fine after dropping Demo in a safer spot to sleep.

Her posture is shit, but she does form corrections regularly, and uses a pillow to cheat the system if she's grumpy enough.

Her teeth. God, her teeth anywhere in blue lighting make weaker mercs a bit dizzy. You've never seen teeth have a blue-green tint like hers, it feels like watching a horror movie permanently set in a blue shaded tint.

Does not eat pork products, and won't elaborate. Will eat beef, but not pork. Maybe she just hates it? Maybe. A diet? Even Heavy shrugs it off now when it happens.

Medic gives the thumbs up for Soldier walking around in tanktops. Naked Soldier is also a thumbs up. All those bras Demo collected once had Medic sorting through them happily. Actually figured out Spy's real cup size. 

Medic has banned Sniper's ace bandage bras. Not in this house, not under her roof. She fits Sniper for personally made bras, Spy bought and tailored. 

Loyal girlfriend. But gayer. Heavy is fine with it, and actually partakes in showing everyone love sometimes too. Since Demo is also affectionate, it can't be too bad.

Push-up queen, but will drop in the dirt in exhaustion afterwards. She only beats Soldier by a few points and mostly runs on spite. 

Has actually stollen all her team's uterus'. What?! She gave them all back later! Just... someone else needed them first. And in a Female vs Female war zone her teammates weren't planning on using them. But they are back now! Well... not all.

Has actually tried to make a Spyper out of an old male Spy and Sniper she used to fight. Both just despawned and targeted her the next day. Sadly. 

BLU Demo's line about shagging Medic's husband always makes her go into a laughing fit. 

Has a ring ready for Heavy, because Heavy is best wife material and loves her dearly.

𝗦𝗻𝗶𝗽𝗲𝗿: (Changed a bit too.) Taller then her Gamebanana model, and god is her face longer and more like regular Sniper. You've heard of laugh lines but the Sniper has frown lines, and the dip in her cheeks has wrinkles from the sun. She has a unibrow growing almost as fast as you can wax it, she leaves it be. So much arm hair. Brunette, Australian (New Zealand), and her hands are big for her size.

She/Her. Bi(romantic), Asexual. 

Never shaves. Never.

She has a mom, a dad, and a big brother. Her brother snipe's as well for RED Team and they have secret mail chains going between them (not so secret, Administrator knows). Her parents don't know she's Bi and after what they said to her brother about him being Trans, she never wanted to figure out. 

Her brother is actually fully transitioned with the help of a Medic who seemed pro-Trans. Of course the doctor waved that off but he had been careful about the procedure enough that they could tell he was a good doctor about all this.

Her brother is the reason she wears ace bandages for bras. So he wouldn't feel bad. She just never STOPPED wearing them after that, and she always reasoned it was because of her broken family and wanting to hold on a little longer. A "little longer" was nearly nineteen years of wearing it to help her brother mentally. Until Medic banned it. Then, she had tailored bras that were strapless but wouldn't fall down. Sometimes goes without the bra onto the battlefield and will tie her shirt off as a makeshift support. She doesn't feel she betrayed him, just... cloth is real itchy sometimes.

Jarate. Isn't... entirely enthusiastic about hygiene outside of basic shower stuff, brushing her teeth, and trimming her nails. Her underwear is clean but since jarate is... yeah, it stains her clothes. Jarate is a lot harder for females to make with how pants work.

Yes, has mooned the enemy Spy before. Not on purpose. Many times. Yes, her pride is shattered every time it happens.

Had long hair upon arrival to this war. She refused to cut it even as her team warned her about what long hair can cause. She changed her mind after the male enemy Spy yanked her around by it and smashed her head in a windowsill. She had her ally Spy cut it after she could stomach letting it be tugged, even for a cut. Spy was gentle, and asked her questions on what she prefers: suits or dresses. 

Suits mate.

(And that BLU Spy was never seen again on the battlefield after a week.)

𝗦𝗽𝘆: (Different from the model ENTIRELY, I really do not like the Spy FEM model at all. But I have grown more warm towards it lately, probably from my BLU team ideas *wink* *wink*) Wears a suit like all other Spy's, and a balaclava as well. Her shoes are as Italian as they come and could take out a man's eye they are so sharp. Blue eyes, sharp chin and nose, and she is NOT a mother.

She/Her. Pan(romantic/sexual)/Polygamous.

Is not the mother to any children at all. She does not need nor want any. Still gets all the men thought. And ladies. 

She actually does not have a uterus at all, she caught wind the doctor had taken something out of her (what Medic doesn't) and didn't want it back. Turns out, she really does not care for the missing body part. Oh well, a Spy's lose is a Medic's fortune.

Has her breasts restricted a bit by a special SpyTech bra that distributes muscle instead of pressing it all against her lungs. She looks like a D cup for her bust size. Is a E cup naturally. Medic drools when she sees the tag on the bra for the first time. Sometimes wears buisness casual around base, without her SpyTech bra and using a normal one for comfort. Attracts Demo and Soldier like flies when she does. 

Cuts and manages everyone's hair. Sniper was her first job, and that was easy. Next was Medic coming in it get a half fade. Next was Soldier to keep her hair barely peaking from the helmet. Demoman was the hardest to convince and she can only touch her hair if she "uses those leather fancy gloves" she always wears at all times while braiding Demo's hair.

That BLU Spy from before? Gutted multiple times over the course of games throughout a week. His score suffered and he was moved to a team of lesser skill. A temporary "fix" to the problem. She still wants to gut him but can't do it outside of work hours as he's employeed to BLU (costing her a contract). But did find him in a seedy city with the mother of his child, and casually reminded him of his deeds out of spite while in disguise. He apologized, but she refused to take it. She wasn't the victim. They parted ways after that and promised to never see each other again. 

Will actually hit Scout on the head. Hand open, palm ready. Right in the back of her head. Stupid American loudmouth...

Likes the Dead Ringer with the stock revolver a lot, and likes being active. Really good at acting like Pyro, its kinda scary. It's probably the sassy movements they mastered.

Third least shameful having no top on. Proven.

Has secret meetings with BLU Spy outside both base ranges. For some reason, even though the ritual of enemy teams Spy's meeting and exchanging whatever they have for whatever they need is long over they both still come out here. Probably to get away from the base and at least smoke in peace, or at least she hopes so.

-- BLU Team... (soon)

[ethompson928]

We are Bulletproof (BTS GANG AU) Part 6

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

"You want me to what?" Ally asked from the chair she sat in after being summoned once again to Namjoon's office. The visits here were becoming to frequent for her liking. Ally felt uncomfortable under the hard gaze of the leader of Bangtan as he walked around his desk and perched himself on the front of it, folding his arms and crossing one leg over the other and setting his jaw.

"You heard me, I want you to prove that your good enough to help us further. That little drugs stint with Suga led to an undesirable outcome. I want to see that I made the right choice keeping you alive. Suga and Jungkook seem to think otherwise but I know it would be unwise to kill you off, despite what you seen or heard in recent days. Now as I was saying, tonight you're going to drive the van to the closest petrol station, fill it up and get us a fresh supply of water and a lighter. Simple. I want to see that we'll be able to trust you 100% before we start your 'official training' despite doubts in the back of my mind that you'll bail on us and tell the police everything that has happened to you so far. So let me give you a little incentive to come back. Firstly, we know who you are, it won't be hard for us to find you and bring you back dead or alive, second of all one of my boys will be tailing you to ensure you comply with instructions. This old phone, has enough money on it for one phone call to whoever is coming with you, you get into any trouble which I highly doubt, but you can never be too careful. I like to keep the boys safe."

After leaving the office without much resistance she shook her head in defeat, it was near impossible for her to escape if Namjoon was sending someone to keep an eye on her. Despite what Jin had told her prior, she felt like Namjoon was running a dictatorship among the boys, whatever he said goes and no one got a word in edgeways. The boys seemed close, like a family, but hey - the family that kills together, stays together. Ally knew that if she didn't start planning an escape soon she would be done for. Meaning that she would never leave, ever. That did shoot a small bit of fear into her already hammering heart. Pushing the thought of escape to the back of her mind Ally decided she had better get onto their good sides if she was going to have any chance of getting away unnoticed and not looking suspicious.

"Annyeong!" A voice quickly pulled her out of her thoughts. Glancing up she saw Taehyung standing before her, she smiled and muttered a hello.

He fell into step with her as she began walking down the hallway away from Namjoon's office.

"How are you doing?" He asked curiously looking over at her.

"I'm okay...how are you?" Ally asked back, she didn't really know where this was going or how she should reply.

"I'm great, glad to see you are doing a lot better since the other day. I was worried about you, ya know? So I really hope you like it here and I do want to apologise for drugging you. I hope we can friends..." he trailed off looking a bif unsure. He seemed like a child, his thoughts, actions and way of speaking was all very childlike. Yes he could probably do insane things and kidnap people in various ways that were unthinkable but behind the tough act when he was doing his job was a young innocent boy who was trying to survive in the world.

His big eyes were hopeful as he stared at Ally waiting for her response. Ally felt really bad for him and could see how genuine he was behind his eyes. "Yeah, I'd like that...I'm also sorry for...you know...shouting at you too."

If Taehyungs smile could get any bigger, his jaw would break open. Ally chuckled at how excited he got when she said they could be friends.

"Jjinja?? Wow."

The two fell into a somewhat comfortable silence as they slowly dandered down the hall. There was no tension or uneasiness from the two of them, Ally smiled to herself.

Taehyung had taken Ally down to one of the small sitting rooms that held a small tv and a few chairs, a small game console was also plugged into the television. Taehyung sat down and crossed his legs turning on the system before turning his head to glance at Ally who stood awkwardly behind him, not too sure what she should do.

"Sit down and play with me?" Taehyung asked, trying not to make it sound like a statement more but a question with good intentions. Ally lowered herself down beside him and watched him as he aggressively tapped the buttons, an intense glare at the screen as he manouvered the small onscreen character to fight the enemies and collect items of importance that were in the game.

After about 10 minutes of playing Taehyung passed the controller over to Ally. "I don't really know how to play..." she said looking from the controller to Taehyung and she let out a hopeless chuckle.

"Here let me help you...press this button to attack and use these four buttons here to move around, this one jumps and that's all there is too it". Taehyung explained slowly as he pointed at the colourful buttons on the controller in Ally's hand.

Playing the game Ally tried not to let her awfulness get in the way of her enjoying the game. Sure she was almost out of lives and Taehyung eagerly laughing in the background everytime she messed up, but a part of her was actually enjoying this mini bonding session they were having. Ally squealed with excitment as she killed several enemies and Taehyung shouted to keep going.  Bur eventually the character on the screen died in a blaze of glory as various enemies decided to attack all at once not giving the poor girl a chance to defend herself.

"You're rubbish at this" Taehyung hollered doubling over with laughter as Ally scowled at the screen resting her elbow on her knee and her chin on her clenched fist.

She scowled and muttered a very unappropriate word under her breath which caused Taehyung to laugh louder and Ally almost had to hide the smile that was still growing on her face and making her cheeks light up.

"Ya! Aren't you supposed to be working?" A voice called from the door, Ally turned her head round at the same as Taehyung and Jimin was leaning against the doorframe of the room.

"Like you're doing any work either...Ally's playing with me today. Jealous?" Taehyung replied cheekily, lightly smirking.

Jimin laughed and his face set serious before he came into the room and not so subtly plonked himself onto the floor between Ally and Taehyung, he turned his head to Ally and gave her a quick smile before picking up the now discarded controller and restarting the game.

--

Ally found herself later on that day back her room staring at herself in the mirror. Her white jumper had now been replaced with a black zip up hoodie and the hood was placed over head and her hair now down hanging over her face. She had been advised to wear it like this so she wouldn't be noticed. Ally had nothing to be scared about she wasn't hiding from the police but doing this job made her feel nervous and her stomach was doing flips.

Meeting up with Namjoon by the front door Ally noticed another boy with him, he wore a mask over his face and he too was wearing all black.

"Alison, meet J-Hope...also known as Hoseok he's going to be with you tonight. He knows that if you're to screw up or try and get away he can do whatever means necessary to bring you back. Report back to me later on and tell me how it all goes and then we'll get you started into life at Bangtan. Good luck." Namjoon pressed the phone from earlier into her palm and walked away patting Hoseok on the shoulder and briefly muttered something in his ear as he walked past.

"You coming?" Hoseok asked as he opened the front door for her and followed her out. "Jump in." He referred to the black landrover sitting out front. Climbing in Ally tried to soften her alarming pulse as Hoseok started the engine, he pulled his mask down so that it sat on his chin. "So here it goes in case you forgot, you're gonna fill the car up, go inside, grab a few bottles of water, pay and leave. Simple as...and if you run or try to tell on us..." his hand left the steering wheel and flipped open the glove box at Ally's knee and revealed a shot gun. Most likely armed and ready to go with no shortage of ammunition. "Namjoon wants to trust you, and if he does then so do I...he thinks you'll benefit our team, not just be a pretty hostage. So don't let us down. Would be nice to have some fresh meat around and if Namjoon wants to believe you can join us then why the hell not?"

The drive to the garage wasn't a long one, it was coming up on 6pm, not long after rush hour and darkness had already fell. The lights from the garage light up like a beacon in the dark area that already had little to no lighting. As they pulled ip to the pump Ally could see a small fat man through the window at the till reading his magazine. Hoseol pulled up his mask once more and gave her a subtle nod. Looking from him back to the shop Ally took her bottom lip between her teeth and gave a small squeeze. Hoseok glanced at her expenctantly, waiting for her to make a move.

"Come on, what are we waiting for?"

Finally climbing out of the csr Ally opened the petrol cap and began to fill the car up. Once she filled the tank a few moments later she pulled her hood back up properly and entered the shop. Glancing round the around the shop the small shelves were packed with different kinds of food and tinned goods. Above the chilled drinks one of the lights was flickering on and off. There was almost a musty smell in the building. The room was small but seemed smaller due tovthe tightly packed shelves and various goods on offer to buy.

Making her way over the the fridges Ally grabbed a small basket by the door and began to get the 6 packs of water and plade them in the rusted basket with a stuff handle at her feet. There was a small noise that filled the shop and Ally registered it to be the news which was playing on a small tv behind the back of the man sitting at a till. It was loud enough for her to hear as she continued to put bottles into the basket.

"And in other news tonight: Police are still concerned over the whereabouts of missing teenager Alison Park, who was last seen out with her best friend Ayami Matsui in the late hours on Friday Night at local club: The Red Bullet owned by business man Mr Kim Seokjin. Mr Kim has been unavailable for an interview at this time. Reports Alison went missing were reported when she didn't return home or family could not reach her by phone..."

Ally dropped the bottle she was holding, looking over at the television behind the man at the till.  He wasn't paying to attention to the screen, had he been looking and then looked at the young girl who had just entered his shop, he would see it was the same girl who went missing. Ally camly walked around behind a small stand of crisps and ducked down behind it. Cautiously pulling out the small phone from her back pocket she found Hoseoks number and put it to her head.

"What's wrong?" He answered quickly not needing to say hello.

"I...I...need to get out here!"

[bob-giovanni]

I’ll Cover You - Part 12

Characters: Simon X OFC

Summary: Emily bonds with Amara. Simon gets into a fight with his ex over Emily.

Warnings: Cursing, Fluff, Smut

Notes: I have so many ideas for this story it’s borderline insane. But I’m so excited to keep writing this and I hope ya’ll enjoy reading it!

It had been a few months since Emily had met Amara for the first time and since then they really seemed to hit it off. Emily had mentioned taking Amara to a batting cage the first time they met and Amara constantly asked Simon about it. “Daddy, can Emily take me to the batting cage this week?” “We’ll see, baby girl. Emily is very busy with work.” That had become his standard response. The truth was, he didn’t want Emily and Amara doing anything together until he had a chance to talk to Sherry. He knew that ultimately his personal life was none of her business but he also knew that she would try and hold it against him if he let his girlfriend take his daughter out without telling his daughter’s mother. He didn’t know why he was being such a chicken shit about the whole thing, why he couldn’t bring himself to tell Sherry about Emily. He was certain she knew that he was dating someone, but he was also certain that Sherry had no idea how young Emily was. Why that worried him he didn’t know. Even though she was only 10, Amara was old enough to know that Simon was purposely avoiding letting Emily and Amara hang out. He decided that this weekend was it. He was going to take them to the batting cages this weekend and he’d tell Sherry about it after.

When Simon pulled up to Sherry’s house, Amara was sitting on the front steps. She’d obviously been crying. Simon quickly put his car in park and jumped out before hurrying up the steps to sit next to his daughter. “What’s wrong, darlin’?” Amara shook her head and leaned against her father’s side. “Mommy said I can’t hang out with Emily.” Simon furrowed his eyebrows. “What?” Amara sniffed. “I told mommy that Emily and I are friends, and that she was gonna take me to the batting cage. Mommy asked me who Emily was I told her she’s your girlfriend and she told me I wasn’t allow to hang out with her, that we couldn’t be friends! But I like Emily! It’s not fair!” Simon wrapped his arms around Amara and held her close. He rubbed her back a bit and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t worry, baby girl. Why don’t you wait here and I’ll go talk to mommy, ok?” Amara wiped her eyes and nodded. “Ok.” Simon stood and walked into the house trying his best to keep his anger under control. He hadn’t planned on doing this yet but he had no choice. No one made his daughter cry. Not even her own mother.

“Sherry?” He called out. A moment later his very pregnant ex-wife walked out of the kitchen. She had to be about 7 months along now. “What are you doing in here?” She asked incredulously. “What the hell is with you telling Amara she can’t be friends with Emily?” Sherry rolled her eyes. “She’s my daughter too, Simon. I think I deserve to have a say in who she can and can’t be friends with.” “You think I’m 100% fine with her being here with Dwight around, huh? I’m not. But she likes Dwight and I’m doing what’s best for her.” Sherry sighed heavily. “Well that’s different. She’s known Dwight for years. Emily is a stranger!” “Do you think I would put her in harm’s way? I love that girl more than life itself. I would never let anyone hurt her. I wouldn’t have even introduced her to Emily if I didn’t think things weren’t going to work out between us.” Sherry put a hand on her stomach and leaned against the doorway of the kitchen. “So things are serious then?” Simon nodded. “Yes, they are. I love her. And above all else, I trust her. I’ve seen how she is with Amara. She’s not trying to be her mother. The last thing Amara needs is another parent and Emily knows that. She needs a friend and that’s the role Emily is filling right now.” Sherry put her hands up in defeat. “Fine, whatever. But I don’t want her spending the night with you when you have Amara. I’m drawing the line.��� Now it was Simon’s turn to roll his eyes. “Whatever.”

Simon turned and left. Amara looked up at him expectantly. Simon smiled and held his hand out. “C’mon, let’s go get Emily.” Amara smiled brightly and jumped up, wrapping her arms around Simon’s waist. “Thank you, daddy!” She exclaimed. Simon laughed softly and hugged her in return. “Anything for you, princess.” “Can Emily take me to the batting cage tonight?” “Why don’t we ask her when we pick her up, ok?” Simon took Amara’s hand and walked to his car, opening the back door for her and making sure she buckled up before driving toward’s Emily’s house. Unfortunately Simon was only getting this weekend with Amara. In 2 days he had to take her back to Sherry. They were going to New York to visit Dwight’s parents before the baby arrived. Simon told her that Amara could stay with him but Sherry insisted that she go with them. Simon tried to not think too much about it and just focus on the time he was going to get to spend with her. A short time later Simon pulled up in front of Emily’s house and beeped twice. A moment later Emily walked outside. She practically skipped to the car and climbed in the passenger seat. She leaned over and kissed Simon’s cheek. “Hey, handsome.” Simon smirked and took Emily’s hand, kissing the back of it. “Hello, beautiful.” Emily turned and grinned at Amara. “Hey, cutie!” Amara giggled. “Hey, Emily!”

Emily reached back and ruffled Amara’s hair. “How’s my favorite 10 year old?” “I’m good. Emily, can you take me to the batting cages tonight?” Emily looked over at Simon. “Well sure, as long as your dad says it’s ok.” “Is it ok, daddy?” Amara asked. “Yeah, daddy, is it ok?” Emily asked also. Simon quirked an eyebrow and cleared his throat when Emily called him daddy. She smirked and bit her bottom lip. “Yeah, it’s more than ok. How about I drop you girls off now? I’ll head to the club for a couple hours and I’ll bring you dinner when I pick you back up?” “That sounds awesome!” Amara said with glee. Emily reached back and gave Amara a high five. About 10 minutes later Simon pulled up in front of the Alexandria Sports Club. He reached into his wallet about gave Emily some money. “That should be enough for a few rounds. Plus Amara loves the mini golf they have here so if you have time after, maybe you can do that too.” Emily smiled and nodded. “Thank you.” She said before leaning over and kissing Simon softly. Simon watched as Emily and Amara climbed out of the car and walked to the entrance of the club. He felt his heart swell when he saw Emily take Amara’s hand as they headed inside.

Once they were safely inside, Simon headed to the club. He had to catch up on a few things. When Simon arrived at the club, he was surprised to see Negan and Lucille sitting at a booth. He walked over and sat next to Lucille. “How are you fine folks doing this evening?” Negan laughed and shook his head. “We’re doing fine, lover boy.” Simon smirked and shrugged. “What can I say? Love is a wonderful, wonderful thing my friend.” Negan laughed once more. “Remind me to thank Emily the next time I see her. Ever since you two became a thing you’re much less of a prick.” Simon laughed. “I love you too, buddy.” Lucille shook her head. “Speaking of which, I’m surprised she’s not with you.” “I just dropped her and Amara off at ASC. They’re hitting the batting cages.” Negan quirked an eyebrow. “Really? Sherry’s gonna be pissed when she finds out.” “Sherry knows. Besides, I can’t have a real relationship with Emily, and Emily can’t have a relationship with Amara, if I’m constantly worrying about what is or isn’t going to piss off Sherry. Sherry needs to mind her own damn business.”

Negan and Lucille exchanged a look. “Well it seems pretty obvious to me what’s going on.” Lucille said. Simon looked over at her. “What do you mean?” Lucille shrugged as she sipped her beer. “Sherry’s jealous. I mean, when everything went down, she had a man to go to. She probably took a little bit of delight in knowing that you didn’t have anyone, as cruel as that may sound. Like…by you being alone, she’d won whatever fucked up game you two were playing. But now that you have someone she’s officially replaced. There’s no going back.” Simon shrugged. “I don’t know, Luce. I feel like it was over the second she climbed into bed with Dwight. Plus she’s about to have a baby. I’m pretty sure there’s no going back anyway. Besides…I don’t wanna go back. I’m with Emily now. I love her and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. Even when Sherry and I were still together.” Lucille smiled and patted Simon’s shoulder. “I know you are. We can all see that that girl makes you happy.” “I’ve never met a forty year old man that wouldn’t be happy about banging a twenty one year old piece of ass.” Negan said with a smirk. “Refer to her as a piece of ass again and I’ll shove my foot so far up your ass you’ll have to open your mouth so I can tie my boot.” Negan let out a loud laugh as Simon stood from the booth. “There’s my boy!” Simon smirked and shook his head. “Yeah, whatever, asshole.”

Simon headed to his office to catch up on some inventory and bookkeeping. He checked his phone to make sure Emily hadn’t texted him. Nothing yet. Simon took that as a good sign. After a couple of hours, Simon started to worry a little. He wondered if maybe he should give Emily a call. Just as he picked up his phone he got a text.

Emily: Hey, babe. We’re about halfway through our round of golf. And we’re starving! Amara wants a BLT and french fries and I’d love a big, fat, juicy burger.

Simon: Lol, alright, sweetheart. I’ll see you two soon.

Simon put in their orders with the kitchen and finished up what he was working on. Once the food was cooked and packed up, Simon headed out and got into his car before heading back to the club. When he pulled up, Emily and Amara were already outside. The ran over and climbed in. “Did you girls have fun?” Simon asked. Amara’s face lit up. “Yes! Dad, Emily is a really good hitter! You should’ve seen it! There was even this guy who said he coached a softball team and he was trying to get Emily to play but she said no.” Emily smiled and shook her head. “Oh, I was ok. But Amara was a superstar. She could give a lot of professionals a run for their money. I think she wants to play softball next year.” Simon grinned as he listened to them talk. “Well it sounds like you two had a great time. How did you do at the mini golf?” “Amara kicked my butt. Turns out I suck at mini golf.” Amara laughed. “I did kick her butt.” Emily turned and looked back and Amara and grinned. “I’ll get you next time.”

Simon smiled and reached over to take Emily’s hand. She smiled over at Simon and laced their fingers together. As soon as they got into Simon’s house, Emily handed Amara her container with her dinner in it. She took out the other 2 containers but both had burgers in them. “Hey, babe, which of these burgers is yours?” “We both have the same thing.” Emily took one of the containers and sat across from Amara while Simon grabbed them all drinks. As they ate, they all talked and laughed. Amara made fun of Emily’s golf abilities, or lack thereof. Once she was done eating, Emily leaned back in her chair and rubbed her belly. “Damn that was good.” Simon smirked and nodded. “It was. Oh, by the way, Negan and Lucille were at the club tonight. They said hi.” “Aww. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them. We should all do something. Go out on a double date or whatever.” Simon nodded. “That’d be fun.” As soon as Amara finished eating she yawned and stretched her arms above her head. “I’m sleepy. I’m gonna go to bed.” She stood and walked over to Simon. “Goodnight, daddy.” Simon smiled and pulled her into a hug. “Goodnight, princess. Make sure you brush your teeth first.” She rolled her eyes. “I will, dad.” Amara walked over to Emily and hugged her. “Goodnight, Emily. Thanks for hanging out with me tonight.” Emily smiled and sighed contentedly as she hugged Amara. “Of course, cutie. Anytime. Goodnight.”

Amara headed up the steps and into her bedroom. Emily looked over at Simon. “She’s such a great kid.” Simon smiled and nodded. “Yeah, she really is.” Since Simon was done eating, Emily gathered their trash and threw it away before gathering the drink glasses and taking them to the sink to wash them. While Emily was washing up, Simon walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Ya know, ‘hi’ wasn’t the only thing Negan said about you tonight.” Emily put the last glass in the dish rack to dry before turning to face Simon. “Oh yeah? What else did he say?” “He said that ever since you and I got together that I’ve been a lot happier and that it’s because, and I quote, ‘any forty year old man would be happy to bang a twenty one year old piece of ass.’” Emily quirked an eyebrow. “Is that so?” Simon nodded. “I called him an asshole for calling you a piece of ass, but he’s not wrong.” Emily licked her lips and smirked. “I mean, he’s not. But did you also tell him that maybe I’m happy too because I get to bang the hottest forty year old on the planet?” Simon laughed and shook his head. “No, but I’ll be sure to tell him the next time I see him.”

Emily wrapped her arms around Simon’s neck and leaned up to kiss him softly. “Mm, I’ve wanted to do that all night.” Simon smirked. “Why didn’t you?” “I didn’t think it would be appropriate in front of Amara. Especially not like this.” Emily leaned in again and kissed Simon once more, more passionately this time. After a moment she slipped her tongue into Simon’s mouth and moaned against his lips. Simon held Emily close and slid a hand under her shirt so he could gently caress her back. Emily shivered and pulled back a bit. “Should we take this upstairs?” Simon nodded. “Mhm, but we have to be quiet.” Emily nodded and took Simon’s hand, leading him up to the bedroom. As they walked upstairs, Simon kept thinking about how Sherry said she didn’t want Emily spending the night while Amara was over. “Fuck that,” Simon thought to himself. He was a grown man, this was his house. If he wanted Emily to stay over, she was gonna stay over, no matter what Sherry said.

As soon as they were in Simon’s bedroom with the door shut, Emily practically lunged at Simon. She’d been so incredibly horny the past few days. If Amara hadn’t been in the car with him when he picked her up, she probably would’ve made him come into her house and fuck her first. She wasn’t sure what it was, but ever since they’d slept together for the first time, Emily just craved being ravaged by Simon. And he was usually eager to oblige. As they deepened their kiss, Emily walked them backwards towards the bed. When she felt the mattress hit the backs of her knees she pulled away from Simon and kicked off her shoes before climbing onto the bed and kneeling at the edge so she could be nearly eye level with her boyfriend. Simon kicked his shoes off as well and immediately wrapped his arms around Emily’s waist, one hand sliding under her shirt and the other sliding down over her ass. Emily whimpered softly and arched her hips a bit into Simon’s.

Emily started to unbutton Simon’s shirt and quickly pushed it off of him before leaning back a bit to removed her own shirt. Simon started to kiss along Emily’s neck and collarbone as he unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans. Emily moaned softly and wiggled her hips as Simon pushed her jeans down and off. Emily sat on the bed with her legs on either side of Simon’s. She quickly unbuttoned his pants and pushed them down to his knees. As Simon kicked his pants off and to the side, Emily started to rub the growing bulge in his underwear. Simon licked his lips as he ran his fingers through Emily’s hair. She grinned up at him before using her tongue to trace the outline of Simon’s cock through his underwear, causing Simon to groan. She was so sexy. He wondered where she learned to do stuff like that. Finally, Emily pushed Simon’s boxer briefs down, freeing his fully hard member. She wasted no time in wrapping her hand around his sizable length, jerking him off as she leaned in and wrapped her lips around his tip. Simon moaned softly and looked down at Emily. She winked at him as she started to take more of his member into her mouth. Simon smirked and bit his bottom lip. “Damn, baby, you are gonna be the death of me.” He said between breaths.

After another moment, Simon gave Emily’s hair a tug, letting her know to stop. She pulled back with an obnoxiously loud pop and licked her lips. She crawled over to Simon’s nightstand and reached into the drawer to grab a condom. Simon climbed onto the bed and pushed Emily onto her back. He ground his hips down against hers as he kissed her deeply. She moaned into the kiss and raked her nails down Simon’s back. He hissed. It hurt a bit, but Simon didn’t mind it. As he slipped his tongue into Emily’s mouth, Simon also slipped his hand into her panties and started to tease her swollen clit. She whimpered and arched her hips into his touch. “Oh god…Simon, please…” Simon smirked. “Please what, baby?” “Please fuck me. God, I want you inside me so bad.” Simon quickly removed Emily’s panties before grabbing the condom. Emily sat up and unclasped her bra, sliding it off before tossing it towards the foot of the bed and getting onto her hands and knees. Simon licked his lips as he took in the sight in front of him. He quickly rolled the condom over his cock and got onto his knees. He ran his hands over Emily’s plump, round ass, giving it a light slap. Emily bit her lip to keep from moaning too loudly. But she nearly screamed when Simon leaned down and slipped his tongue between the folds of her dripping pussy. He just had to taste her.

Emily begged softly. “Please, baby…please, Simon…please fuck me.” Simon kneeled behind Emily and pressed his tip to her entrance. “You ready for me, baby?” Emily nodded quickly. “God, yes…” Simon slowly pushed into her tight heat, moaning long and low as he did. She felt so fucking good. Emily bit her bottom lip to try and keep quiet but a few soft whimpers escaped her lips. Simon leaned forward and pressed a few soft kisses between Emily’s shoulder blades. “You ok, babe?” Emily nodded quickly. “Mhmm.” Simon grabbed Emily’s hips and slowly pulled out of her about halfway before pushing back in. Emily’s eyes rolled back and she couldn’t help the loud groan that she let out. Simon just felt so amazing inside her. She wanted this feeling to last forever. Simon continued his slow pace for a few more thrusts before speeding up slightly. He took the noises he heard Emily making as a sign to keep going. As Simon started to thrust faster, Emily suddenly felt the need to be closer to him. She adjusted herself so she was holding onto the top of the headboard. Now her back was nearly against Simon’s chest. Simon moved his hands from Emily’s hips, one sliding up to cup her left breast, the other sliding down. He put two fingers on either side of Emily’s clit and alternated between moving his fingers in circles and from left to right.

Emily was so far gone now. Sometimes she got overwhelmed by the pleasure Simon gave her. Her thighs were trembling now. She knew she wasn’t going to last much longer. “Oh god, Simon…I’m so close…fuck me harder.” Simon grunted as he sped up his thrusts. He continued rubbing Emily’s clit as he kissed along her neck and shoulder and gently rolled her left nipple between his fingers. He could feel Emily getting tighter by the second. He was close too but he wanted to make her cum first. As he continued thrusting, the sounds of his hips smacking against Emily’s ass filled the room along with a slight creaking from the bed. Emily thought she heard another noise, but figured it was just the bed when Simon kept going. God she was so close now. Just a little more. Then suddenly, everything seemed to move in slow motion when Emily heard something else. There was no denying it. And she knew that as soon as Simon stopped moving that he’d heard it too. “Daddy? Are you ok?” Both of their heads snapped to the left at the same time to see Amara standing in the doorway. Emily’s eyes widened as she desperately reached for a pillow to cover herself as Simon quickly pulled out of her, causing her to hiss slightly. Simon reached for the covers and pulled them over himself as he yelled out. “Amara go back to your room!” Amara quickly shut the door and ran down the hallway. The whole ordeal lasted maybe 5 seconds but it felt like an eternity. They both just sat there trying to catch their breath and still covering themselves.

Emily started to panic a bit. “Oh god…oh no. What do we do?” She was on the verge of hyperventilating. Simon scooted closer to her and pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back soothingly. “Shh, it’s ok. Calm down. I’ll go talk to her.” Emily covered her face with her hands. “Oh god I’m so embarrassed. How much do you think she saw?” Simon shook his head. “I don’t know. Her mom and I had the talk with her a couple of years ago, so I’m pretty sure she knew what we were doing.” Simon threw the covers off of himself and removed the condom from his now flaccid dick and tossed it in the trash before pulling on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. “I’ll be back.” He said as he headed down the hall to Amara’s room. After Simon left the room Emily quickly ran to his dresser and pulled out one of his shirts. It was usually what she slept in when she spent the night. She climbed back into the bed and sat with her back against the headboard, nervously chewing her nails.

Simon stood outside Amara’s room for a moment and took a deep breath before knocking on her door. “Amara, can I come in?” He asked softly. “Ok.” He heard her reply. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, swinging her feet back and forth and staring down at the floor. Simon walked in and sat next to her the bed. He ran his hand over his face before speaking. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, sweetheart. And I’m sorry you had to see that.” Amara didn’t say anything for a moment. “I’m sorry I didn’t knock. I just…I heard a strange noise and I thought you were hurt.” Simon smiled softly. “Well I appreciate that you were concerned about me, princess. But next time just make sure you knock, ok?” Amara nodded. Simon sighed heavily. He wasn’t really sure what to do next. This had never happened before. “Umm…do you, have any questions?” He asked, sounding incredibly uncomfortable. He really hoped Amara did not, in fact, have any questions. But she did. “Are you and Emily trying to have a baby?” She asked. Simon furrowed his eyebrows and looked over at her. “What? No. Why would you think that?”

“I remember you and mom telling me what sex is. I know that’s what you and Emily were doing. You and mom said that when a man and woman love each other, they have sex to make a baby.” Simon nodded a bit. “Well, that is true but, two people can also have sex just, uh, for fun or to express their love for one another. And there’s things you can do to make sure that you don’t make a baby.” Simon shook his head, knowing he was probably giving the wrong response. “What kinds of things?” “Ya know what, I think that is a conversation for another time, ok? Why don’t you lay down and get some sleep, ok?” Amara nodded and climbed under the covers. “Goodnight, dad.” Simon smiled and tucked her in. “Goodnight, princess.” He left Amara’s door cracked open a bit and went back to his bedroom. He walked in and shut the door, making sure to lock it this time. Emily was sitting with her knees up to her chest. She looked really upset. “So…is everything ok?” She asked. Simon sat next to Emily and draped his arm over her shoulders. “Well, I was right, she knew what we were doing. She thought we were trying to have a baby, but I assured her we’re not. At least not right now.” He said with a soft laugh. “I’m gonna have to tell Sherry. She’s gonna be pissed.” Emily shrugged. “It was an accident, Si.” Simon nodded. “I know. Right before I picked you up, Sherry told me she didn’t want you spending the night while Amara was over. So she’s definitely gonna use this against me.”

Emily pouted. “I’m sorry. If I’d known I…” Simon shook his head. “This is not on you, not at all. Sherry has no right to tell me who can and can’t stay here. She’s just gonna have to get over it.” Emily nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. Simon leaned in and kissed her cheek. “I think we’ve had enough fun for one night. How about we call it a night?” Emily laughed and shook her head. “Yeah, ok, that sounds good.” The pair laid down and Simon pulled the covers over them as Emily reached over and turned off the lamp on the nightstand. Simon draped an arm around Emily’s midsection and pulled her close. There was a few moments of silence before Emily spoke. “I can’t believe you didn’t lock the fucking door.” The two let out loud fits of laughter for a moment before quieting down again and quickly falling asleep. The next day, everyone basically pretended that the events of the previous night didn’t happen. They didn’t do too much except go to lunch and a movie. Simon took Emily home Saturday night and spent the rest of the night hanging out with Amara before having to take her back to her mom’s the next day.

Sunday afternoon rolled around and Simon pulled up in front of Sherry’s house. He walked Amara up the steps and rang the doorbell. To his dismay, Dwight answered the door. He smiled at Amara. “Hey, kiddo. You have fun?” Amara smiled and nodded. “Yep!” She said as she walked inside. Simon and Dwight just stood there awkwardly before Simon spoke. “I need to talk to Sherry.” Dwight nodded and stepped aside so Simon could enter. “Of course. She’s in the kitchen.” Simon entered and walked to the kitchen where Sherry was baking some cookies. She looked up at Simon quickly. “Amara with you?” Simon rolled his eyes. “Of course, where else would she be?” He sighed and ran his fingers over his mustache. “Listen, um, there was a little incident on Friday.” Sherry put down her spatula and leaned on the countertop. “What do you mean? Is Amara ok? Is she hurt?” Simon shook his head. “No, no, she’s fine. But um…well, she uh, walked in on me and Emily.” Sherry furrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean? Walked in on you what?” Simon sighed. “Sherry, don’t make me spell it out.” Sherry crossed her arms over her belly. Simon couldn’t tell if she was being willfully ignorant or not. He scoffed. “She walked in on us having sex, Sherry. Jesus.”

Sherry’s head hung down. “Jesus Christ, Simon. I specifically said I didn’t want your girlfriend spending the night when Amara was over!” “Yeah I heard you. But guess the fuck what? Amara and Emily get along really well and they enjoy each other’s company. And Emily is my fucking girlfriend and she’s gonna spend the night at my place sometimes. Whether you like it or not is your goddamn problem.” Simon could tell that Sherry was seething with anger. She rubbed her belly and took a few deep breaths. “I wanna meet her.” “What?” “Emily. I wanna meet her. If she’s gonna be spending time with my daughter then I think I have a right to meet her.” Simon sighed heavily. “I’ll talk to her.” Without another word Simon left the kitchen. Amara was sitting on the couch with Dwight. Simon leaned down and kissed Amara’s forehead. “I’ll see you later, princess. Alright?” Amara smiled and nodded. “Ok, daddy. Bye.” Simon waved as he left the house. He sat in his car for a moment thinking. Maybe Sherry was right. He wasn’t thrilled at the idea of his ex-wife and his current girlfriend being in the same room, but he had a hard time arguing against Sherry’s point. He pulled out his phone and texted Emily.

Simon: Hey, sweetness. I told Sherry about what happened. She was upset. But…she wants to meet you.

Emily: Excuse me?

Simon: She said that if you’re going to be spending time with Amara then she thinks she has a right to meet you.

Emily: What did you say?

Simon: I told her I’d talk to you. But, Em, she’s not wrong. I can understand where she’s coming from. If I hadn’t already known Dwight I would’ve wanted to meet him knowing he’d be spending time with and around Amara.

Emily: Well, they’re going away right? So she doesn’t wanna meet right this second, right?

Simon: Yeah, they’ll be back in about 10 days.

Emily: Ok. I’ll do it. I’ll meet Sherry.

Tags: @faith-lynn9 @collette04 @simons-savior86 @simons-thirst-squad @negans-castle

[thesportssoundoff]

Trying To Figure Out The ESPN+ Debut Card

Joey

October 22nd, 2018

The UFC's debut on Fox is pretty well documented; a rushed on paper, disastrous in reality debut that probably set them up for this long up and down rollercoaster with way more downs than ups in the grand scheme of things. They moved a big money title fight off of a PPV in ONE California market to go to ANOTHER California market. They rolled with one fight, putting Bendo vs Clay Guida (a #1 contender fight) on basically a remote internet stream with the likes of Cub Swanson and Joey Beltran. The reality is that everything that could've gone wrong ultimately did go wrong for the UFC and some would say they never recovered.

On the other hand, the UFC's debut on FS1 was a total success. Despite being down to its third (fourth maybe?) option for a main event, the UFC's debut on FS1 featured just the right amount of big names, just the right amount of marquee fights and JUST the right amount of high profile performances to be a success on all metrics. It was a gate hit, a big hit with the ratings and helped launch careers for dudes who are still major marquee attractions today like Conor McGregor. In many ways, it revived the career of Chael Sonnen as well after getting finished two fights in a row. It took everything the UFC did WRONG for it's Fox debut and corrected it and granted, it also had the benefit of nearly two years worth of tinkering.

The UFC's debut on ESPN+ will probably not fall on either of those tiers. This is not going to get, I figure, the big UFC on Fox treatment.  Similarly, it's probably not going to get the level of attention and care that the FS1 launch show got. Remember the UFC's not trying to establish a presence on a new network with a major event nor is it trying to launch a start up sports channel. In my estimation, the UFC and ESPN+ is a marriage of convenience on an platform that probably will greatly benefit from UFC content----but doesn't exactly need it. The UFC is giving ESPN's subscription service up to 30 shows a year which is absurd if you think about it. The UFC is going to give ESPN+ 30 nights of content and when you work out the math of how many weekends there are in a year crosschecked by how many shows the UFC is providing PLUS 12 PPVs? It sure feels like this is about quantity and not quality.

That in turn sets me up to the UFC's debut on FX. At the time, the long play was the UFC moving to FS1 when that was ready to go which is why the UFC agreed to basically give away shows on what was then Fuel. The short play was to just try and drown viewers at home with content on FX. Remember that for the time the UFC was on FX, there wasn't much in the way of consistent programming. There were test shows on different days/nights/hours to see what would stick and what wouldn't stick; shows on Wednesday, back to backs on Friday and Saturday and at least flirtations with events on Sunday. FX was the content home of the UFC but the quality was hit or miss, sometimes even feeling like that was the case by design. In fact let's just take a quick peek at the UFC's debut on FX from January 20th, 2012:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UFC_on_FX:_Guillard_vs._Miller

Of the main card, only ONE fighter remains in the UFC; Jim Miller.

Four of the eight main card fighters were coming off a win in the UFC previously; Josh Neer, Mike Easton, Christian Morecraft and Duane Ludwig with just TWO of those guys

The ONLY fighter to fight for a title off of that show; Khabib Nurmagomedov in his UFC debut

Of the prelim slate; only two of the losers wound up fighting in the UFC again (Pat Schilling and Kamal Shalarus)

Not an impressive showing from the UFC. The UFC's first foray onto Fight Pass is equally disappointing although to their credit, the reason that card even wound up on Fight Pass was that Fox didn't want it and they had trouble shopping it around to other avenues to hold the event. That plus the incoming WWE Network led to UFC Fight Pass and a show that's...well:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UFC_Fight_Night:_Saffiedine_vs._Lim

It's not AS bad I suppose. Kyung Ho Kang, Max Holloway, Hyun Gyu Lim, Mairbek Taisumov and ever Strasser Kichi all had good runs. Even Macho Bang gave us the first ever acknowledged fixed fight in the past like 5-10 years!

The whole point of this insane history lesson is to try and pinpoint what the UFC's first card on ESPN+ will look like. We  have a brief glimpse into what it might look like for ESPN; PVZ vs Rachael Ostovich is officially a go go, rumors of Wonderboy vs Lawler continue to float around and Romero vs Costa is apparently in the works for the same event. With four fights scheduled for the main card, everything else after that is pretty much just eye wash. We can tell they're going to go all out and with rumors of TJ vs Cejudo happening in January at whatever PPV that might be plus Colby vs Woodley, we can kind of see what their PPV outlook might be as well. With shows in Brazil and Korea planned for February, it sure seems like the UFC has some international draws they're going to be using elsewhere right?

Given I'm the mock guy here, I figure I'd mock up what I would do if I was planning my first ESPN+ card! We have no date and no locale but that's not gonna stop me! One thing of note before we lead into this deal is that the head of the UFC's international stuff whose name absolutely escapes me said recently that ESPN+ cards will still have main card and prelim slates because they air internationally. If you've ever watched a Fight Pass card you know that the international set up for those best resembles what you'd get from old school UFC events (4 fight main card with an endless assortment of prelims).  

Ready when y'all are:

Main Event Middleweight Darren Till vs Anderson Silva

The immediate thought process is "I imagine the UFC promised ESPN+ a title fight of some kind!" but I'd imagine the title fights that fit the bill off the jump are booked up. We've got Cejudo vs Dillashaw in 2019, Rose is expected to be out a bit longer into 2019, Colby vs Woodley is going on PPV and so what remains is a quick turnaround at 125 lbs or an interim 185 lb title fight. Probably not happening either way. We KNOW Anderson Silva is coming back in January since he confirmed it recently. The UFC clearly has no problem rolling Anderson out onto Fight Pass since they twice were set to do so; once vs Bisping (which we got) and once vs Kelvin Gastelum (which got nixed). ESPN+ is bigger than Fight Pass by any conceivable metric imaginable so we're not out of the realm of possibility to think that he could fight on ESPN+. With Till likely back sooner than later and Anderson Silva confirming his own return date, why not? The general argument would be that nobody in the US knows who Till is and I get that but Anderson is still pretty popular no matter what metric you use (he was probably the rare "co-main that outdraws the main" when he helped Holly and GDR do 200K buys in Jan of last year) so why not? Darren Till is coming off his highest profile fight yet (in a loss but still) and if he's serious about 185 lbs then there's no more high profile fight than he vs Anderson Silva. It's a good way to get him back on the horse in a big way while giving ESPN+ a big high profile main event.

Co-Main Event Featherweight Cub Swanson vs Jeremy Stephens

Riding a three fight losing streak, I think we're officially into the "Now Cub Swanson gets really good again" territory. Similarly Jeremy Stephens saw all of his momentum come to a screeching halt vs Jose Aldo in a genuinely fun first round battle that saw both dudes get rocked.  Two top 10 FWs on the wrong side of 30 and coming off a loss? Sounds like a totally fair match up to me. This IS a rematch from 2014 when Swanson seemed to be crawling ever so closely to title shot contention and Stephens was coming off wins over Darren Elkins and Rony Jason. Both fighters might not have improved much since then but we at least can assume Swanson has declined JUST enough to put this fight into a more reasonable territory for both guys. Winner stays relevant and loser has to make the choice between sticking around and switching weight classes I guess.

Strawweight Mackenzie Dern vs JJ Aldrich

I'm still of the belief that there is an audience for Mackenzie Dern out there. It IS very concering that Mackenzie Dern went to the UFC Performance Institute in July or so to get cleared to resume her career at 115 lbs----and still hasn't emerged in any capacity yet. Dern is who she is; a natural athlete and tremendous fighter instinctually who has zero commitment to MMA. That doesn't matter since coasting as an elite athlete is what makes MMA what it is. JJ Aldrich is on a three fight winning streak, trains with Rose Namajunas and is one of those tough gritty grinder-y types who Dern should be able to run through if she cares.

Lightweight Jim Miller vs Nik Lentz

I'm not 100% sold that Miller's last performance is a sign that he's "back" or whatever the case may be. I like Jim Miller though and coming off a win, he's got relevance in this division again. The man with arguably the toughest resume in LW history vs Nik Lentz coming off a devastating destructive KO of Gray Maynard feels like a fun enough fight, especially considering both guys are coming off finishes. This is the sort of fight you go "That hasn't happened yet?" and then scratch your head.

Prelims

Lightweight Charles Oliveira vs David Teymur

If it's true that the UFC had the choice of an unbooked David Teymur vs bringing in a guy off a card and they chose the latter (James Vick) to face Justin Gaethje then I'm beginning to wonder if they're a touch confused as to what they have with Teymur. He came in hot as a tremendous kickbocking talent knocking dudes out but has slowed into a more methodical consistent paint by the numbers striker who utilizes fantastic footwork and range. That gets you wins (and Teymur has been fantastic vs guys like Drakkar Klose and Nik Lentz) but it can also cost you momentum in a 155 lb scene where finishes make you sparkle. Oliveira vs Teymur feels like a fun little striker vs grappler match up and both guys are on hot streaks. I would view this as similar to a mid card FS1 fight on a PPV card which makes it a perfectly fine "prelim headliner" (for international fans) for this card.

Welterweight Diego Sanchez vs Peter Sobotta

I'll take "Fights that probably should've happened in like 2011" for 500. Peter Sobotta's UFC second UFC run is the world's biggest most absurd smoke and mirrors run in history. The only win who remains in the UFC is Ben Saunders although who knows how much longer Killa B will be actively competing for. The losses were borderline non-competitive blowouts vs Kyle Noke and Leon Edwards where Sobotta was stopped pretty much at the horn. Sanchez just won so he's going to continue fighting so you might as well use him I guess. Feel like this is a SAFE fight for both dudes.

Heavyweight Stefan Struve vs Junior Albini

With the UFC apparently heading overseas in February, this fight might be better off elsewhere (Europe? Brazil?) but with Albini and Struve on losing skids and neither one looking too hot on the process, this feels like the perfect little "Okay so who wants to actually fight more?" type deal. Struve vs Arlovski would make sense to if you want to keep putting poor Andrei through such abuse.

Featherweight Gabriel Benitez vs Rick Glenn

The man known as "Moggly" has probably been, at least for my money, the most surprising talent out of TUF LAM Season 1.  The somewhat raw Benitez has faced the likes of Enrique Barzola, Andre Fili, Jason Knight and capable vets like Sam Sicilia and Clay Collard while somehow bringing back a winning record in the process. The logjam at 145 lbs suggests there's really no rush in ascending him but Benitez vs Rick Glenn sounds like a fair enough fight for both guys. Glenn is coming off a "win" vs Dennis Bermudez and is at the very least a capable competent mid tier featherweight who can outmuscle and outheart dudes. It's a pretty fair fight for Benitez all things considered.

Lightweight Desmond Green vs Clay Guida

Poor Des Green. Maybe this was always destined to be his lot in life/the UFC but thus far he's the guy they task with giving tough fights to tough guys overseas who wind up missing weight on him. Coming off a game effort vs an overweight Mairbek Taisumov, Green deserves an easy touch. The problem is there really isn't a such thing as one unless yer dusting off the remains of some old fogey and I'm not about to do that to anybody. Instead give me Green vs Clay Guida who is still pretty damn solid despite coming off a loss to Charles Oliveira in a fight he just blindly rushed into a guillotine for.

Women's Strawweight Livia Souza vs Angela Hill

Y'all cool with running this one back? The first fight was pretty good and I think Hill has officially solidified herself as a good strawweight who has some room to grow but is probably always going to linger in the lower half of the top 10/15. Souza is coming off a dominant easy win over Alex Chambers where she wasn't tested much/at all. This feels like a fair enough fight for both ladies and I'd imagine anybody who saw the first one won't get hurt with seeing a rematch.

Women's Bantamweight Lucie Pudilova vs Gina Mazany

It feels like the UFC has about 12 women's bantamweights on their roster tops. Mazany and Pudilova are both coming off losses (of different quality of course), tend to stay active and the winner will find a spot.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S1 Ep 29: Yugi Is Still Having Yet Another Meltdown, But This Time On Stage

In an effort to subdue a sudden onset of my carpal tunnel, lets turn on some anime distraction and see what happens next in Yugioh, shall we?

This episode is pretty short, which is nice considering last episode...kind of a lot. Yugi is back to staring out a window. Who knows how long he’s been standing here, staring out this window, but he’s been doing some very serious reflection about how he really should not murder people.

If only he knew what was going on in Pegasus’ basement. He would feel so much better about his own track record.

He’s been spending so long at this windowsill that all of his friends have decided to check up on him. Not one friend--all the friends, including Bakura, who is still just here in the background as if nothing completely insane happened last episode. I’d say that his friends deciding to not address the (possibly) murderous Pharaoh in the room is down to their minds being wiped, but lets get real, this is them basically all the time.

(read more under the cut)

Look, I’m not really going to go into depth about this because none of these kids hit the attractive meter for me in any way. That, and I know a lot of people think Pharaoh is quite attractive so I don’t want to kink shame anyone at all because if it’s your thing, go right on ahead, like, who cares? We all have our thing. (I mean Basil the mouse was strangely attractive, just putting that out there) But, it does feel like they put a lot of effort into drawing a set of comically graceful barbie legs on Pharaoh. Kind of like...youknow...

Kind of like this? Like this is basically what I see every time Pharaoh comes a walkin’. Thankfully, they did realize these are children so, to compensate for the tightest boot leggings, everyone drawn in this show has the flattest ass I’ve seen drawn.

Anyway, stepping away from butts and back to the adventure, after all this time, is Pharaoh going to own up to his mistakes?

N-no. No, it is not even apparent that Pharaoh even knows what happened or why Yugi muted him out for so many episodes. But he does do this cape thing for some reason. After this scene the cape goes back to being a coat as if someone stepped him to the side and was like “lets talk about how you can’t wear a cape coat when you’re also wearing a full face of eyeliner, two necklaces, four belts, and either no pants or no shoes, depending on whether or not boot leggings are classified as boots or pants.

But do they ever sit him down and say “so...Just FYI...Yugi had a...COUPLE meltdowns regarding you...”? Nope. They just toss him out there. Mind, they might not realize that Yugi and Pharaoh may not know what the other is doing 100% of the time.

Bandit Keith and Joey exchange words. Joey has not caught on that he is missing his card although Bandit Keith makes very heavy hints at it.

I’m the type of person that checks for my wallet and phone about once every 20 minutes, how has Joey not checked to make sure he has his ticket to actually play in this competition? ...Joey...

Anyway, let’s begin. Pegasus looks pretty normal, despite the fact that Bakura wiped his mind just a few hours ago and despite the fact nearly half the cast almost got ritually sacrificed to the shadow realm again (damn, that would have been awkward for Yugi)

I just realized...I’m not 100% sure of Prince Ali’s name in Aladdin. I’ve just assumed Ali Baba my whole life but I don’t remember. hm.

There are two prizes for competing, one prize is money, the other is the right to unseat Pegasus’ “best duelist in the universe” badge and get a magical wish--which seems sort of complicated, but it’s how they’re doing it. But, basically everyone except Yugi is here for the money so that simplifies things for us somewhat.

So, lets start that duel that is going to go really, really well.

It doesn’t, it goes pretty bad. Mai has caught on that Yugi relies on a lot of trap cards, so she pulls out a “remove the trap” card that puts him in sort of an awkward position. So, he plays defensively, which is both thematic of how he doesn’t want to hurt his cards and also of how he doesn’t want to murder the hell out of her with an ancient potentially evil Egyptian spirit.

Surprisingly, the peanut gallery gets like real mean about it. Even Mai, look how pissed they get.

So they do this weird dance where Pharaoh and Yugi kind of struggle to choose the right card, their eyes get real big and shaky, they put a card down, and then immediately go “OH NO CRAP NO WAIT OH DAMN IT. Yugi!? Would you PLEASE let me play my way!?” To the point that they loose muscle control.

So, Mai decides to drop some more hard truths, because she loves lecturing people, and for some reason kinda gets that Yugi has maybe incomplete motivations. Yes, he’s saving his grandpa, but what’s he want for himself?

I don’t know how this happens. How do you get so angry that you fling yourself off of a ledge? A ledge with huuuuge guard rails? Also please note Bakura’s face palm that took both of his palms.

So, until Yugi and Pharaoh get some much needed couple talk time, it looks like the game is a little bit of a standstill. Mostly because he’s too freaked out to draw anything else.

Next week, on Yugioh:

Did Kaiba’s zombie ever learn how to do the dishes? Will Kaiba’s body serve them some hors d'oeuvres (which would be, of course, cheese)? Will his and Mokuba’s zombie bodies hang out and be better brothers than actual Kaiba and Mokuba.

[allenmendezsr]

New Product ~ How To Turn Business Cards Into Cash

New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/new-product-how-to-turn-business-cards-into-cash/

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Every day I’d wake up scared to death to open my mailbox – you see, I was so in debt with piles of bills stacked up that I just couldn’t afford to pay any of it. When I didn’t pay those bills on time, my wife started receiving threatening phone calls from bill collectors. The tears on her face said it all – I was a complete failure.

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By trial and error – and I mean a lot of errors – and by learning everything I could about home business opportunities, small franchises and home based business ideas, I stumbled upon a very simple, step-by-step home business blueprint for pulling in over $60,000 a year.

You see, I learned from all those programs that the easiest way to make money was to create a demand for something that has a large supply base. If you can uncover a large supply base and provide that supply base with an invaluable product or service, you have the potential to make lots and lots of money.

This is how using business cards came across my mind …

I realized that there were thousands of business cards being printed and circulated everyday, just in my area alone, and in your area as well – lawyers – accountants – dentists – mechanics – real estate agents – plumbers – hair stylists – insurance agents – contractors – moving companies – small businesses… I mean the list could go on forever !

I also realized that most of these professionals didn’t have much avenue to distribute their business cards except by passing it out themselves.

So I came up with an amazing new business idea to help business cards gain more exposure and attract more attention with their business cards.

Sure, my wife was skeptical when I first started, “How can anyone possibly make money with business cards?” She asked …?

But when the checks started to roll in, her skeptism turn into elation all the way to the bank.

My incredible business system generated $5125.00 in income in my first month of operation and is still generating a cash flow today.

I’ve been using this system to literally create MONEY out of thin air and yet, for the first year, we didn’t tell anyone about this business idea.

Until … I Decided To Make One Very Lucky Person Wealthy…

One evening, I went out to dinner with my friend Chris. I had wanted to tell him about my success for months now, but was afraid it was all beginner’s luck. So for months I kept my mouth shut – until I was sure.

Now I was. And I had the bank statements to back it up. So right in the middle of dinner I grabbed him by the arm, looked him dead in the eye and said:

“Chris, I’ve stumbled onto the most incredible, least known money making business in the world. It’s by far the simplest way to make extra money, and you will never have to worry about paying your bills ever again.”

Just like my wife, Chris was skeptical, to say the least.

“James, I’ve known you almost your whole life, and you’ve never been wealthy… I mean, no offense, but you work as a gas station attendant… (shrugging) that’s not exactly big time.”

PROVEN Results – Even In Troubled Times

Once he said that, I slammed a copy of my monthly earnings on the table and forced it into Chris’s hand. Then I said:

“Chris, I’ve discovered the Secret to making money with business cards. It’s so simple anyone do it – so simple I could do it – and now, after less than a year – spending as little as two hours a day – I’ve quit my job as a gas attendant, started funding my retirement account, and created enough passive income to guarantee I’ll never work again.”

And now I want you to test my new business idea … at my expense. If you don’t make at least $1,000 your first month, I’ll buy you and your wife dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town. Any money you make is yours to keep.

“How about it – Do we have a deal?”

Let me ask you: if you were given this offer, wouldn’t you take it? Of course!

You’d have to be insane to turn down the option of a free five star dinner or $1,000 a month in passive income for life!

Chris, of course… is not insane… so he took me up on the bet. We agreed to meet the following day at 5:45 after he got off work.

The “Bet” Begins …

So now it was time for me to “put up, or shut up.” My nerves were killing me… I had to find out if my process would work for Chris. I’ll admit – I was even a little scared. But underneath it all, I was SUPER excited to finally test my system on a complete newbie.

At 5:45 sharp my doorbell rang. It was Chris – and he was just as excited and nervous as I was.

We wasted no time getting started …

In just 30 minutes I had explained everything to Chris and his eyes just lit up – He said “It can’t be this easy, can it ?”

I answered “Yup and I’ve made over $60,000 using the exact same system.”

I then started to show Chris how to set up everything, writing it down step by step and he soak in every detail.

I told him all he needed was about 10 – 30 business cards to start and all he’d be doing is creating a simple yet amazing new marketing technique to help people re-distribute their business cards and make tons of cash in the process …

And the beauty of this business is that he wouldn’t have to risk any of his own money to begin!

As he got up to leave, he looked at me and said – In a jokingly fashion “WOW if this really works, you can become a millionaire teaching people how to do this !”

I smiled and told him to call me in 30 days.

15 days later I got a call from Chris… He sounded serious – dead serious.

“James… I can’t believe it… it really WORKED!

I am at the bank right now and just finished depositing the checks into my bank account.”

I quickly asked … “How much are you depositing” – I was stunned to hear his answer, in just 2 weeks, Chris was able to deposit $1823.00 into his bank account.

“James … I owe you buddy. It worked just like you said it would – all I did was set up the business and the money started rolling in. It’s like magic!”

And then, for the first time ever – I heard my friend Chris start to cry.

Through his tears, he told me all about the financial problems he and his wife had… how he was up to his eyeballs in debt… how he begged his boss to work overtime just to pay his bills on time. He felt trapped and – worse still – he didn’t see a way out.

It seemed my small business idea had opened up a new world for my best friend – and changed his life forever.

In fact… only 30 days after that conversation… working less than three hours a day… Paul had earned an ASTONISHING…

$4,675.00 His First Month Using My Blueprint

Needless to say, I didn’t owe him dinner – in fact, he took me out to celebrate.

During those first few months Chris and I stayed in touch. He didn’t really have any questions about the business system – it was pretty easy stuff to follow – but going from debt-ridden to cash-rich in such a short time was kind of mind boggling.

Trust me – when you create thousands of dollars a month in passive income… you need someone close to share your thoughts.

One day while we were talking, he brought up the topic of teaching this business system and helping others like ourselves get out of debt …

Rather than keep this secret blueprint to ourselves, we should share this incredibly powerful money making opportunity with a select few people… people who are ready to take CONTROL of their lives and start earning real cash for years to come – guaranteed.

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We spent weeks testing each step to make sure it was the shortest distance possible to profits.

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[thedoodlezoo]

I Like You A Latte (Connor Murphy x Reader)

Summary: You work at a coffee shop, and Connor visits every day during your shift.

Words: 1564

Warnings: none

(A/N: Thank you for all the positive feedback on Pastels, my first oneshot! Here’s another for you guys!)

_________________________________

DING!

The little bell attached to the door rang so many times that Saturday morning, it was enough to make you sick. You took a deep breath, plastering on a fake smile for the abundance of cranky and rude customers waiting for their various coffee orders. You didn’t hate working there. You just hated all the people that worked there, and all the people you served, and…yeah, you hated working there.

Even so, sometimes the world would surprise you a little bit at work. It would bring in a cute customer, or a big tip, or a light day. Today was one of those days.

DING!

Sighing, you straightened your posture and smiled. “Hi! Welcome to Affogato, what can I-” you looked up at the customer stopping in your tracks. He was a gorgeous boy, with an aura that screamed mystery. Looking a little closer as he approached the counter, you recognized him as a boy from your homeroom.

Shit, did you just think Connor Murphy was cute?!? Well, I mean, he is, but god, chill!

“Connor Murphy?” You raised an eyebrow, smiling a genuine smile as you eyed him up and down. His long, chestnut brown hair was covered by a beanie, and his button nose was pink from the cold. You could tell he wasn’t in the mood for society today, but from what you’d heard about Connor, that was a constant thing for him. People talked about what a monster Connor Murphy was every single day at school. Of course they did, and it spread like wildfire because it was high school. You heard the stories, but you never really listened. You wanted to discover this kid on your own terms, unbiased. Connor tapped his chipped black painted nails on the counter with a curt nod.

“[Name]?” He made a noise somewhere in between a chuckle and a scoff. “Didn’t expect to see a face like you here.” He shrugged, not thinking anything else of it. “Black, two sugars,” Connor paused for a moment. “…please.” He muttered. Had you been a stranger, he probably wouldn’t have had the courtesy, or maybe he was just in a decent mood, but the gesture was an appreciated one no matter the reason.

You picked up a cup, getting to work. He made small talk as you poured.

“Whatcha up to this weekend?” Connor asked nonchalantly with a sigh. “Partying? Maybe running away to join the circus?” He asked sarcastically as you handed him his coffee. You rolled your eyes with a smile.

“As if I’m capable of doing extraordinary.” You joked. “Nope, just work. Saving up for something cool, like a camera or lava lamp or whatever people spend money on these days.” You straightened your apron. “You?” Connor bounced from one foot to another, finally deciding to take a seat on one of the counter stools.

“Oh, you know, the usual. It’s a toss up between doing nothing and being called a nuisance or doing something and being called a nuisance anyway” He looked into his abyss of a coffee cup. His lips curved into a sad smile. “Sorry, that was….satire.” Connor took out his wallet, fishing out two crisp dollar bills. “Keep the change” He instructed as he stood. Sipping his coffee, he left, and you stood there, lost in thought. No one, in your months of working there, had stopped to have a conversation with the exception of your best friends. You really didn’t know what to think. Who would?

__________________________

_________________

“No, Jared, it was so weird! But like, in a good way…” You trailed off, putting your phone on speaker and placing it on your desk. You were pacing around your room, talking to your problematic fave- the “insanely cool Jared Kleinman”, as he referred to himself.

“What, [name], it’s weird that he came into the coffee shop and ordered a coffee?” Jared pointed out, and you groaned.

“No, it’s weird that he was…I dunno! Everything about him just seems….like…I don’t even know what to think, dude.” You ran a hand through your hair. “It was like, he’s bitter, but chill, but kind and empathetic, but also sarcastic, but also genuine as hell?!?!? I’m sooo confused” You buried your face in your hands. Jared laughed.

“Has the stone cold heart found wuvvvvvv?” He teased. “I gotta say, dude, I didn’t think you were the angsty murderer type!” His laughter grew into hysterics, and you were quick to defend him. You weren’t sure why, though.

“Would you stop, Kleinman? He isn’t gonna shoot up the school or whatever. I bet you Connor’s really sweet.” You challenged. This got his attention.

“What have you even got to bet? Nothing I’d want” Jared sneered

“Gamestop visit with my credit card..” You smirked, and he audibly gasped into the phone.

“Holy shit, for serious? Don’t play with me like that, man” He said in disbelief.

“I’m 100 percent for serious.” You countered.

“Deal. And…if you win?” He asked, almost frightened. The stakes seemed high.

“When I win,” you think for a minute, “you have to become an apprentice park ranger with Evan for the summer.” You grinned.

“No fair, [name]!” he sighs. “You know what? Fine. But only because of the videogames. And you’re gonna lose.” Jared says as-a-matter-of-factly.

________________________________

Connor came in for the next week, ordering the same thing every single day. Even when you weren’t working mornings, Connor managed to come in during your shift. It was as if he knew your schedule, and he always came in later in your shift, when you were thoroughly tired and annoyed. It kind of cheered you up.

Sometimes, he stayed for a while and talk. He’d sit on his same stool, drinking his same coffee, with his name written on his cup in the same handwriting.    

“Hey, doll,” He’d smile his toothy smile. You found his dorky platonic pet names funny. “I brought you a muffin. Maybe…spend your break with me?” Connor would suggest.

Other times, he’d sit in the corner at a table, long legs crossed as he read for hours. You’d keep the coffee coming, and you’d watch him read, and it was, in a way, blissful.

“You know, the man bun really completes the whole ‘hipster teen reading in a coffee shop aesthetic’. It looks good on you, Murphy.” You’d nudge his shoulder, and he’d be too focused to even bat an eye.

Sunday, Sunday was different though. You kept busy during your shift, serving customers with your usual fake smile. The authentic one was reserved for Connor Murphy.

Hours passed, and your giddiness faded into fatigue.Glancing up at the clock, time seemed to pause. You evaluated your surroundings.The smell of coffee grinds, the bustling people, the soft jazz melodically jingling in the background. It seemed hazy and surreal, and you wanted to stop thinking.

You wanted to start being. Being with him. Connor Murphy liked spending time with you. He made you feel special. He made this melancholy, dreadful job something you looked forward to dragging yourself to.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

The clock loomed over you, the noises echoing through your skull. You just wanted it all to be over,

And suddenly, it was. A hand on your shoulder was your signal to leave.

“[Name]? Your shift is over. You’re free to go!” She was excited on your behalf, but your heart sank at the news.

Connor hadn’t come today.

The question was, why? Was he, like, busy? You couldn’t imagine having Connor Murphy having actual plans. All he did was get high and drink coffee. Maybe he didn’t want coffee today. You were upset, and wished it wasn’t such a big deal to you, but you felt as if it was.

You sat at a table, lacking the energy to walk home. Inhaling slowly, more memories of Connor flooded into your mind.

“Hey, how was the circus?” Connor asked, yawning. He usually made comments like this with a straight face. It was as if his smile was implied.

“Not as glamorous as I thought, so I came back.” You shrug with a small smile.

“Who comes back after running away from home?” Connor met your eyes with his own blue and brown ones, and you practically melted.

“I dunno, Murphy. People who are homesick, I guess.” You sigh, sliding him his usual.

You focused on reality again, looking out the window. You were so amused by the normality of the scene, you almost didn’t notice the coffee place in front of you.

“Excuse me?” You looked at the paper cup curiously. It was black with two sugars, making you all the more distressed. “What kind of weird ass joke-” You looked up to find Connor in an Affogato uniform with a goofy grin.

“Hi there, [name]. You want anything?” He smirked. You stood up, wrapping your arms around his neck and getting on your tippy toes.

“Just this” You pressed your lips to his, and Connor reciprocated without hesitation. He pulled you closer by your waist, and after a few seconds, he pulled away breathlessly.

“Check the cup again” Connor whispered in your ear. Curious, you picked it up and turned it over. He had scribbled something on the cup in his mediocre handwriting:

I like you a latte. My number is ***-***-****. Use it ;)

Jared was gonna look great in his apprentice park ranger uniform.

[weightloss18-blog1]

Trim Down Club System - 5 Foods to Never Eat to Get Ideal Body

New Post has been published on https://designweightloss.com/trim-down-club-system-5-foods-to-never-eat-to-get-ideal-body/

Trim Down Club System - 5 Foods to Never Eat to Get Ideal Body

Trim Down Club System – 5 Foods to Never Eat to Get Ideal Body Hey, thanks for coming over you're probably wondering which five foods you should never eat so come in and let's talk I was just making some coffee Are you surprised that I'm making coffee well coffee isn't one of the five foods You should never eat for some reason coffee and caffeine have gotten a bad reputation But the problem isn't coffee itself It's actually what you put inside of it now

Let me ask you a question This cup of coffee has a teaspoon of raw sugar which has about 15 calories and 4 grams of carbs This cup of coffee has a packet of artificial sweetener, which has zero carbs and zero calories So which one do you think is better for you the one with the raw sugar? artificial sweeteners confuse your body Expecting calories and when it doesn't get any it just creeps more calories which can lead to weight gain Raw sugar on the other hand doesn't confuse your body this way of course It's best to try to reduce the amount of sugar that you add to your food And if you cut down a little bit at a time You'll hardly even notice it in the long run your body will even thank you So what about those five foods you should never eat keep watching and you'll see them all warning if you struggle with your weight and want to lose stubborn belly fat, but can't seem to stick to any diet I strongly encourage you to watch this short presentation When you do you'll discover my secrets for fat loss Including learning about the five worst foods You can eat if you want to have any hope of eliminating those unwanted pounds and inches Foods I can almost guarantee you've eaten in this past week Hi, my name is dr Karen Shackleford, and in just a second I'm going to reveal the exact steps I took to drop over 70 pounds and a whopping 14 inches from my waist all with a few simple changes More importantly I'm going to show you how you can do the same what qualifies me to share this life-changing information with you Well it's simple even though I'm a medical doctor I battled my weight for 16 brutal years I was absolutely desperate to lose the fat that just kept piling on me no matter what I did after 16 years of failed diets I learned what I'm about to teach you Because when I stopped eating the foods, I'm going to tell you about today I shed 75 pounds about 25 or 30 pounds was belly fat And the rest was in all the usual other places my arms my rear and my thighs That was 12 years ago, and I haven't regained the weight I call that my not a diet because I wasn't hungry in fact I ate really good food and enjoyed my favorite treats I didn't count anything like calories or fat grams my skin cleared up I had more energy and I was nicer to myself and other people I Still eat this way because I love how it makes me feel

It's delicious, and it's nourishing which is not what we think of diets? So believe me when I say your struggles with weight are not your fault There's a lot of deliberate misinformation floating around on the internet about how to eat healthy and lose weight That's because the big food corporations make huge fortunes getting you to eat as much of their products as possible especially The foods I'm going to tell you about today Then the diet companies they own make small fortunes from selling you weight loss strategies They know don't work, otherwise They wouldn't make money How I learned about those foods is kind of Embarrassing when I began dieting I wanted to keep 10 extra pounds from turning into 20 So I decided to try one of those low-calorie Prepackaged food diets I lost the fat all right and as soon as I started eating real food again I gained all that fat back plus interest By the time I stopped yo-yo dieting I had rebounded my way all the way up to 205 pounds and I had paid about $20,000 for the privilege my last diet I was desperate was supposed to be a 30-day juice cleanse I was miserable my family was miserable the furniture had teeth marks in it and our pets were looking pretty Tasty on day eight I was driving by a very famous fast food restaurant And I could almost taste the french fries before I could stop myself I pulled into the parking lot and found myself standing in line at the counter Practically drooling when a thought popped into my head if I chew these fries just the fries no ketchup Just for the taste and spit them out those calories won't count it was the most completely Horrifying moment of my life I ended my juice cleanse right there on the spot with large fries a bacon double cheeseburger and a large strawberry milkshake Nothing had ever tasted so good as you might imagine I regained the weight so fast my head spun And I realized that it had gotten pretty bad Because after 16 years of dieting and hundreds of pounds of rebound weight gain and loss Topping out at 205 pounds

I knew just one thing if you ever need to gain weight Just diet works great every single time, but then something happened that totally changed my life one day at work my perfectly slender coworker and I were Chatting over lunch I remember it clearly I was sipping a diet shake, and she was eating a full plate of food Suddenly, and I'm still not sure what made me say this I asked her What's your secret? How can you eat so much great food and not blow up like a blimp she replied? I love to eat So I just make sure I eat the right foods and the right combinations at the right time I don't believe in dieting I blushed bright red look down at my diet shake and quickly change the subject at first I thought it can't be that easy she's got to have a super fast metabolism or workout for hours or just be a genetic freak But what she said got me thinking so for the next few days I took notes about exactly what she ate for breakfast and lunch then fixed it for myself the next day and Something incredible happened after a week I had to tighten the belt on my work pants

They were practically falling off Even better I realized I was a lot less grouchy and my skin was clearing up, too Once I broke the code on how food really affected my body I developed a simple insanely effective plan the very first thing I did was to stop eating these five foods that practically force us to become fat and Started eating what I now knew were the right foods and the right Combinations at the right time and I shed seventy five pounds and a lot less time than it took me to gain all of that Weight also it was much much much easier because within weeks I had more energy than I'd had in years and I had fewer and fewer aches and pains and the more the weight fell off me the better I felt I Went from being so heavy I was out of breath climbing stairs or walking around the block to learning to tango with my husband and hiking with our kids Pretty soon I was shopping for a whole new wardrobe in a size 6 I gave all my old clothes away knowing I would never wear them again I have to say that felt good Especially the day I walked into the lingerie store And I bought something that made both me and my husband smile Not long after that I achieved another goal Working with people who were stuck in the yo-yo cycle of dieting just like I had been After 12 years of helping people lose weight I know not eating these foods works for almost Everyone of course we gain and lose weight differently depending on whether we're male or female our age and activity Levels our genetics or even whether we've had children, but these five particular foods practically forced the human body to produce fat storing and appetite hormones some of us just get lucky and produce less of them and Many of us aren't that lucky Worse the damage these foods do to you doesn't end with your weight your waistline and your self-esteem These foods can also dramatically increase your risk of serious so you should avoid eating these five foods regardless of your physical condition and Not eating these foods will work for you Even if you only not eat a few of them You don't have to plunge into some kind of super perfect diet to begin seeing encouraging progress in a matter of days I have to be 100% honest and warn you everyone is different but I hear all the time from people who've dropped a few pounds or taken in their belts a whole and sometimes – That their skin is clearing up And they have more energy Because they're feeding their muscles and not their fat so eliminate any and all distractions and listen up you can take notes if you want because I Absolutely passionately believe in your right to have the body nature intended you to have trim Attractive healthy and energetic you probably have all the answers You need to lose your unwanted fat right in your own kitchen all you need to know is what eating healthy really is Because it's not what most people think it is it's not about diet health bars or eating berries Celery and carrots when you consume the right amount of carbs with the right amount of proteins the fat will burn off naturally It's that simple now I'm betting 3 of these 5 foods will shock you like they did me But let me start with the one that isn't a food It's actually a drink a drink You've been told over and over how healthy it is for you

It's concentrated orange juice Have you ever seen those commercials that tell you starting your day with a big glass of concentrated orange juice is really a good idea The truth is it's probably one of the worst things you can do to your body, and it's not just oh gee A palang grape can cause problems around the waistline you might be wondering How is this possible isn't fruit good for you? well I knew the problem wasn't the fruit so I discovered how fruits are concentrated into juice you see many companies remove the fiber and other nutritious elements out of the fruit during the Concentrating process the fiber in fruit normally reduces the spike in blood sugar with a fiber taken out you are essentially left with sugar water and When your blood sugar is too high it puts your body in fat storing mode Essentially telling your body to store anything you eat as fat blood sugar levels can affect your hormones causing Imbalances that can lead to weight gain most concentrated fruit juices have just as much or even more sugar than soda excess sugar in our diet is probably the number one thing to be careful of and it's not just Concentrated juice you have to worry about a lot of processed foods have excess sugar in them And it's disguised in scientific sounding names like high fructose corn syrup dextran Dextrose and fruit juice concentrate like I just mentioned the Food and Drug Administration has warned that there are over 50 different known poisons and toxic substances in the average American shopping cart These chemicals combined can cause hundreds of different diseases and can even be fatal in some cases Now the second fat storing food can also increase your weight, but it also has far more serious Health risks fat storing food number two is margarine margarine became popular in the mid twentieth century as a cheaper alternative to butter and In light of research linking saturated fat and heart disease a healthier one But is it actually healthier Margarine is made by adding hydrogen to corn or soybean oil to make it solid a process which creates trans fats it Turns out trans fats are way worse for your body than saturated fat Unlike saturated fat which your body can burn for energy Trans fats just clog your arteries with plaque They also increase your LDL or bad cholesterol while at the same time Wiping out your HDL or good cholesterol So it's a double whammy for your body But there's something even more sinister about the research that demonized saturated fat Historical documents were discovered recently that showed how in the 1960s the sugar industry paid? scientists to Downplay the link between sugar and heart disease and to promote saturated fat as the cause instead This bias research went on to influence the next five decades of nutritional advice and dietary Recommendations simply put fat was made out to be much more dangerous than it is while minimizing the risks of sugar We still see it all the time Fat is artificially removed from diet foods, which also removes a lot of the flavor so food companies add sugar instead fat free yogurt Snacks and other diet foods are loaded with sugar and sold as something that can help you lose weight But there's some of the most fattening things you can put in your body in the trimmed-down Club You'll learn that not all types of fat are bad for you You'll also get the tools to help you choose healthy alternatives to foods that contain trans fats and added sugar things like butter instead of margarine or low-fat yogurt instead of fat free you'll start eating foods that don't wreak havoc on your hormones your arteries or your blood sugar levels and Your body will thank you as it sheds inches and melts the extra pounds away You'll learn more about that in a minute Next let's get to fat storing food number Three which was quite a shock for me It's whole-wheat bread, and it's on this list for reasons you might not expect It's not because of the carbs low carb diets are all the rage right now But it's important to remember that our bodies need carbohydrates to function properly Eliminating carbs completely and eating foods high in fat and protein can lead to high cholesterol kidney problems osteoporosis or kidney stones It's not even because whole wheat bread contains gluten So many people who don't have celiac disease or a specific medical sensitivity to gluten have jumped onto the gluten-free bandwagon Thinking it will help them lose weight or reduce uncomfortable bloating or even that it will give them more energy And in pursuit of these wondrous health benefits people are lured in by gluten-free products that while containing no grain protein Do contain loads of other ingredients that do your body no favors? Did you know that corn starch and rice flour which are common gluten-free substitutes for flour? Contain more calories per gram than regular wheat flour that means when you make a sandwich with gluten-free bread the bread alone will contain more calories than your standard slice will and That adds up to a lot more weight at the end of the day So why is whole-wheat bread on this list of foods to never eat is it whole wheat bread healthier than white bread? Well, I hope you're sitting down because the truth may shock you But first let's back up a minute Did you know that your brains favored energy source is sugar yes sugar? Specifically glucose when your body digests carbohydrates They break it down into glucose in your blood The more nutritionally complex a food is the slower it breaks down into glucose that's what's known as having a lower glycemic index and Likewise the more processed of food is the faster it breaks down giving it a higher glycemic index Now here's the kicker researchers compared the glycemic index of white bread and whole-wheat bread Which also contains some refined flours and found that there was no significant difference between them

Let me repeat that There was no significant difference between them We've always been told that whole wheat bread is healthy, and it is if it's 100% whole grain Which has a much lower glycemic index But when bread is made with a mix of whole and refined flours It's a different story still food companies will label their products as being whole-wheat even when they're not 100% whole grain So that you think they're healthy and buy more of them, and that's why it's so important to know the truth which is this the more processed of food is the less healthy it is for your body and There's something else you should know that you can and eat the carbs you love and crave things like pasta and pizza and even biscuits and cake But how don't carbs make you gain weight? Yes, and no When you eat carbohydrates without balancing them with other foods like proteins You'll end up causing your blood sugar to spike which puts your body in fat storing mode But when you do eat carbs that are properly balanced by protein you'll help keep your blood sugar Level so that your body burns fat instead of storing it Imagine that eating carbs and burning fat at the same time This isn't a dream It's just science a study by Professor Katya Hutton from the University of Helsinki Looked at how much the body's blood sugar Rises when eating mashed potatoes compared to eating mashed potatoes when combined with protein fat and vegetables and What she found was that the combination of foods resulted in a 50% lower spike in blood sugar? Than eating mashed potatoes alone It's all about balancing the carbs you eat with proteins, but how do you achieve this balance? How are you supposed to know how to combine your foods in a way that keeps you in fat-burning mode? I'll show you in just a minute, but first Let me explain something else that feeds these cravings for comfort foods cortisol is a hormone produced by your adrenal glands in response to stressful situations and Makes you crave sweets and comfort foods But here's the thing too this hormone all stress is the same it doesn't know the difference between a life-threatening physical situation and a mentally stressful situation and When you feel mentally stressed your body is flooded with cortisol just as if you were an immediate physical danger in a physically stressful situation like being inside a building on fire the higher levels of cortisol are burned off by the Activity of running out of the building, that's what it's there for to give you that extra boost of energy But in mentally stressful situations like being under a tight deadline at work having financial or relationship problems or even being overweight Your body continues to produce cortisol to handle the stress And scientific studies have shown that high cortisol levels increase your appetite and cravings for sugar Which is why most of us deal with stress by reaching for these high carb comfort foods And then our bodies typically store this as belly fat, so the more stress the more weight gain especially around the belly Then I learned something else Something that went against everything I always believed to be true When you restrict yourself from eating for a long time your blood sugar drops and your body is convinced It's starving When your blood sugar levels drop it puts you in fat storing mode But by snacking in between meals throughout the day You can keep your blood sugar levels balanced and keep your body in the fat-burning zone all day long Your meals just have to be balanced with the right amounts of protein and carbs this way your blood sugar levels don't go too high and throw your hormones out of whack or Go too low and put you into starvation mode Now think about these first three foods for a second orange juice Margarine and whole wheat bread how many people probably have this every morning for breakfast Are you starting to see why can be so hard to lose weight? can you see how the choice is made available to you are sabotaging your weight-loss goals and this problem isn't just a physical one the Psychological factors can sometimes be even worse ask yourself if you've ever experienced any of these feelings It's hopeless I'm doing everything and the weight still won't come off

I'm never going to look as good as I did before go out I don't want to go out I really don't feel like doing anything Buy new clothes, what's the point nothing ever fits? When I hear these comments, I know the frustration But when you understand how eating certain foods can cause your hormones to go out of whack? You'll be able to make very simple changes to your eating and stop the endless cycle of dieting When hormones continue to be imbalanced it can cause unwanted effects like weight gain and it gets worse Because the more pounds you pack on the less adiponectin your body produces Adiponectin is your fat burning hormone the more body fat You have the less adiponectin your body produces, so it's another double whammy it can be a domino effect when your blood sugar goes to high or low it can cause a hormone imbalance and put your body into fat storing mode as You gain weight your body tends to produce less adiponectin your natural fat burner then add in the day-to-day Modern stress we all live with and the excess cortisol your body produces because of it, and you start seeing why weight loss can be so difficult But it doesn't have to be that way The trimmed-down club gives you tips like keeping your adiponectin at optimum levels to increase your weight loss For instance green tea has been shown to increase levels of adiponectin Aside from its fat burning power It's also a natural anti-inflammatory So it can also help ease the swelling sometimes associated with weight gain The trimmed-down Club has come to realize It's not the hormones But the choices in food made available to us that are contributing to these imbalances like I said earlier There's a lot of misinformation floating around and there's vital information That's being hidden from us that could allow all of us to be slender for life let me just take a moment to quickly tell you about the trimmed-down club before we wrap this up with the last two foods to avoid We are a group of health fitness and nutrition professionals who teach you how to swap out fat storing foods for healthy Fat burning foods things like butter instead of margarine and whole-grain bread instead of processed wheat? Simple tweaks like these will cause your body to burn fat Rather than store it because it keeps your blood sugar levels balanced and keeps your body in fat-burning mode all day We make this very easy for you to do with our Exclusive personal menu planner just choose your favorite foods from the personal menu planner And it instantly creates a weekly menu that will help you melt fat off your body Your personal menu planner gives you simple mouth-watering recipes Using your favorite foods to make hundreds of delicious Meals with just the right combination of proteins and carbs to turn on your body's fat burning furnace It's like having your own personal nutritionist Everything is immediately accessible online You can log-in whether you're at a friend's place visiting the family or from the comfort of your own home We'll show you how to speed up your weight loss because the precise combination of these meals Ensures you're eating the right kinds of food to maximize fat loss Without counting fat grams counting calories or starving yourself This is a family friendly program because when the rest of the family is eating chicken You can eat chicken when they're having dessert you can have dessert You don't have to fix something different Or eat a frozen or prepackaged meal because you're trying to lose weight my personal favorite are the breakfast tacos And I love cream cheese coco fudge cake for dessert These are just two of the many choices You'll find that make it easy for you to lose weight Everyone in the family can keep lean and healthy with our dietician approved meals to keep the fat off Because great food is your best ally in losing weight Every mouth-watering recipe is easy to fix even if you've never cooked before We'll also show you how to eat delicious snacks and between meals to keep your body out of starvation mode Which can cause your body to store food as fat so you never go hungry and? Since you're not depriving yourself of the foods you love you can stick with this plan and watch the flab disappear as your body naturally Redefines itself to your ideal body weight your body has a built in blueprint to be lean and healthy When you feed it the right food and the right combinations it Naturally melts off any excess weight and we show you how to turbocharge your results You'll be back into that favorite pair of old jeans before you know it Plus you have full access to the fat burning forum This is an extremely supportive and active community It's a friendly and fun forum where you can ask questions get support or just trade delicious fat-burning tips and tricks It's a very active community Where everyone is kind of going through the same thing to achieve? Spectacular results and help each other along the way as a private member You'll get exclusive access to new recipes like baked Parmesan garlic chicken Homemade ketchup and because we all love junk food Crispy zucchini chips are junk food that loves us back we test every recipe so you know it's tasty and easy to make and Helps you lose and feel great And we turned the best new scientific weight-loss Information into interesting articles full of tricks and simple tips so you can say goodbye to your fat To get your body in fat-burning mode all day every day we give you a QuickStart guide with a simple step-by-step Plan to get a jumpstart on being lean and healthy and with the trim down Club You don't have to break the bank to lose weight But first think for a minute How much would you pay for a weight loss program that actually worked and gave you the means to keep the weight off? $100 maybe that sounds a little steep, but $50 Surely, it's worth that much to experience the improved health and quality of life that you'll get with the trim down Club But we want everyone to be able to afford to discover the slim trim body hiding beneath the flab That's why we put our whole program online Not only Can you access all of the essential tools and resources from any computer or mobile device? It's also much more cost effective so we can pass the savings on to you So we don't charge nearly 50 dollars or even 20 We don't believe that losing weight and improving your health should cost a fortune, which is why today? We're going to make it practically free

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out We want you to see for yourself just how powerful and effective the trim down Club method can be So right now, you can unlock the complete trim down club for a ludicrously low dollar ninety nine You'll get a full month of unlimited access to our entire library of fat burning recipes Our forum where you can get professional advice from our registered dieticians and of course all of our weight loss tools including our state-of-the-art personal menu planner all this for one dollar and 99 cents It's pocket change You may even have that much hiding between your sofa cushions It's completely crazy and in fact this deal probably is too Good to be true, and we'll end up taking it down very soon So you should take advantage of this opportunity while you can? Because pretty soon you'll get in the rhythm of these new healthy habits And you'll probably start seeing a difference in your mood your energy levels and the way your clothing fits that feeling alone is Priceless, but we want you to be able to keep it up and you can for just nine dollars and ninety cents a month I'm sure you'll agree that it's remarkably affordable and that way you can stay with the trim down club as long as you like You owe it to yourself to try the trim down club and see how you can lose the weight and keep it off Without giving up the foods you love and without breaking the bank and unlike other fat loss programs We offer a 100% money-back guarantee That's right You lose the weight, or you don't pay at the trim down club We're committed to provide you and your family with the very best educational fat loss products available, and we take that commitment very seriously We believe that if our program doesn't work for you You shouldn't have to pay for it That's why the trimmed-down Club is backed by our unprecedented money-back guarantee You can try it in your own home and prove to yourself that this program really works If you don't start losing weight if you're not well on your way to having the lean and healthy body you deserve You can cancel anytime and we'll give you a refund no questions asked There's no risk so you have nothing to lose the trim down Club guarantees You lose the weight, or you don't pay start using the foods you love to lose weight You really can eat your favorite foods and shrink your tummy when you know how much of them you can eat and the right? Combinations to eat them in but that's not all because when you join in the next few minutes You'll also receive four great gifts gift number one shopping the proper way We break down the myths and show you that Just because something says diet light or reduced fat on the package doesn't necessarily make it good for your body now You'll know if the food you buy is blood sugar safe Next you get the trimmed-down cookbook This is the heart and soul of creating that lean healthy body you want you'll eat Well all day every day and keep your body in fat-burning mode your body will start thanking you right away by Naturally melting away the excess fat This is an eating grape seeds and celery these are hearty wholesome meals your taste buds will love and your body craves Gift number three the perfect soup these are delicious soups and a truly nutritious source of food using the best fat-burning Ingredients that your body was starving for your body will literally sponge up these scrumptious soup recipes that leave you feeling satisfied gift number four Express meals for 14 days We know it's not always possible to cook a delicious fat-burning meal, so we've created a special menu for people on the go You'll get quick snacks and light meals that are perfect for your busy life You're no longer at the mercy of the fast food alternatives that pack on pounds quicker and are not good for you anyway So go ahead and click that button below to get started right now You'll not only see all the foods you should avoid you'll get a complete done-for-you program to help even out your blood sugar levels keep your hormones balanced and in check and Free yourself from unwanted and dangerous fat you're totally covered by our no risk money-back guarantee And you can keep the bonuses as our gift for giving it a try even if you cancel So click the button below when you're ready to start melting the fat away Now you may be very surprised that fat storing food number 4 is processed soy processed soy oil soy flour and soy protein are just a few of the ingredients hiding in products that big food companies Tell us that we should eat so we can lose weight and get healthy, but it's not true you've probably heard how healthy soy products whole wheat breads and fruit juices are especially since it says so somewhere on the package and If you're wondering how soy products can be bad for you It's simple it all comes down to processing many soy products are highly processed Which strips out important vitamins and minerals along with as much as 90% of the phytonutrients? The disease-fighting medicines found in foods when you eat highly processed foods you're eating some pretty empty calories Yes, they supply energy But not the nutrients your body needs to use that energy So your body produces ghrelin a hormone that growls you kind of like this little kitty feed me Ghrelin is your irresistible appetite hormone your body produces it when you're hungry or when you don't get the Nutrients you need and the more empty calories you eat the more ghrelin your body produces Feed me now Which is why you can go on a rampaging refrigerator raid an hour after a big fast-food meal One easy thing you can do to balance your ghrelin is to eat certain nutrient-dense foods instead of processed soy products celebrities who have to stay trim and healthy eat these foods So they don't have to diet you'll find out exactly what they are inside the trimmed-down Club bonus these foods boost your metabolism And when it comes to losing weight? Metabolism is the engine that turns fat into fuel for your body, so you can be healthy and attractive Your metabolism is also crucial for your kidney brain heart and liver to function properly So just avoiding processed food as much as possible can make a difference when you join the trimmed-down Club You'll get a complete list of great tasting foods like cinnamon and blueberries that will supercharge your fat-burning metabolism So if you're ready to turn your weight loss switch all the way on for just one dollar and 99 cents for your first month Click the button below now now the last food that you should stay away from tastes great at barbecues But it can really hurt your weight loss efforts and your health I'm talking about processed meat It's not just that processed meat tends to be high in fat the World Health Organization has warned that eating processed meat like hot dogs sausages ham or bacon on a daily basis can increase the risk of colorectal cancer by 18 percent and one particularly chilling study showed that those who ate 160 grams per day or the equivalent of three hot dogs increased their risk of dying early by 44% in Fact the global fight against cancer organization advises eating no more than 10 grams of processed meat a day or preferably Avoiding it completely and that the trimmed-down Club We agree, which is why it's on our list of five foods You should never eat The biggest problem with processed meat is the nitrates which are used to cure and preserve the meat and also add flavor and color Nitrates have actually been used as a preservative for thousands of years But the ones used in processed meat are chemically Manufactured and the manufacturing process causes carcinogens called nitrous a means to develop These cancer-causing chemicals are also formed when cooking at high temperatures such as when bacon and ham are prepared So what does this all mean no more hot dogs no more bacon not to worry just keep these do's and dont's in mind Do read your labels carefully and avoid high quantities of sodium and added chemicals? Do choose organic and uncured versions of your favorite meats? Don't go overboard even taking into account the above enjoy processed meat in moderation But nitrates aren't the only problem You know those black lines that appear on grilled or barbecued meat the cooking techniques that create those lines Also produce DNA altering chemicals that further increase your risk for cancer That's why the trimmed-down Club offers tips and tricks for how to cook so that you can enjoy the food you love without the added risk to your health Because staying healthy is the key to maximizing your Metabolism the more nutritious your food the better your body will function and the healthier your body the more efficiently it burns calories You can change your health your weight and your life Just by making better food choices and knowing when to eat how to eat as well as what not to eat The trimmed-down Club gives you a complete done-for-you easy to follow program to melt the fat away to get your entire family lean and healthy But like I said earlier

This isn't about just eating vegetables and granola These are delicious meals where we teach you to swap out unhealthy and fat foods for leaner choices that don't put you at risk Now you could try to go this alone But I would suggest you let the trim down club help you at least until you feel comfortable and know what you're doing when it comes to eating healthy if You know you're ready for a change and you want to burn the fat then join now for just 1 dollar and 99 cents and give it a try if You don't start losing the weight you want and getting your life back Then drop us a line and cancel your subscription We'll refund your money, and you'll never be charged again That's our guarantee Think about all the famous people you know that have coaches and mentors Oprah Winfrey and other media personalities have coaches Michael Jordan Kobe Bryant and top athletes have coaches movie stars have coaches and trainers Even Tony Robbins who is a self-help coach himself has a coach and a trainer the list goes on and on They don't try to go at it alone because they've already learned how quickly we can sabotage ourselves When trying to break bad habits to form new good habits They know that to overcome the obstacles in life you need to increase motivation Put in the extra effort and get that inspiration To dig deep within yourself to create the added incentive to stick it out and reach your goal that's kind of our mission offer people a really effective online coaching program that includes that added ingredient of Motivation to follow through so let's get started the trimmed-down Club is going to help you tap into that hardwired ability that resides within us all to be healthy and Energized this power within you to live a happier less toxic and more wholesome life Before we're done You will know that you are responsible for your well-being in other words the hands of fate are your very own You only need to learn how to use these? Proverbial hands to confidently Drive you down the path of true health and that's what we do for you by showing you what not to eat as Well as the how when and what you should eat? there are people who get exponentially worse with increasing health problems and wither away in pain with age and Others who grow exponentially better with more vigor and vitality as they get older the only difference is that the latter group Decided to activate the body's natural healing power and eliminate the toxicity in their lives So join us and start living a healthier and happier life many people see encouraging results in just the first two weeks The only real risk is if you don't do anything if deep down in your heart You know that you must succeed at any cost for you your family your career Your health and possibly even your life click the button below and let's get started

[itsworn]

1995 SN95 Cobra and Project Car Life: Never.Give.Up.

Life has a way of sapping the once-unrelenting passion gearheads have for our project cars. One day we wake up and realize that weeks have become years and the small setback we intended to fix the following weekend silently sidelined the build for several seasons.

Thankfully, despite all odds, the tale of this 1995 Cobra doesn’t end how you might think. Mel Josafat not only managed to keep his beloved Cobra through the ups and downs of life, but he eventually built the car of his dreams thanks to levels of dedication seldom seen. Each month he stashed $50-$100 into his dream car fund, and 15 years later he built the Cobra before you. How’s that for dedication?

Most people’s project-car story goes a little like this. When we are young and don’t have two nickels to rub together, we sink every last penny into our cars, even if it means eating cheaply until the next meager paycheck. But with age comes more money and more responsibility. There it is, the wretched R-word. Responsibility has a knack of diverting time and money into anything but a project car, no matter how special it might be.

Most would not know that a corner-killing suspension and chassis combo lurks under this clean Cobra thanks to a Max Grip Box from Maximum Motorsports.

The disconnect happens sometime between the days when we spent countless hours daydreaming beneath that poster of our dream car as a kid and the time when we assumed all those adult responsibilities. We eventually abandon our dream builds after realizing the two nickels we finally can rub together are already spent on responsibilities long before they land in the checking account.

But as we mentioned, this is not a story of shattered project car dreams or failure. Instead, this is a tale of steadfast dedication and sweet, sweet victory. To those wavering with their projects, let this be motivation to remain strong!

The slammed stance, negative front camber only looks better when you notice the Saleen front bumper and T1 rear wing atop the GT rear hood—simple, clean, and mean.

Josafat says, “When the SN95 Cobras first hit showrooms while I was in college I immediately fell in love with the sleek bodylines and the proven pushrod motor. I knew I’d do whatever it took to get one after graduation.”

True to his word, in 1996, after landing his first real job outside college, he went looking for his own Cobra. “After realizing that the then-new ’97 Cobras were out of my price range, I went looking for a used ’94/’95 Cobra with low mileage.”

Simple bolt-ons are all it takes to have fun on a road course. Thanks to a BBK CAI and shorty headers, a Bassani X-pipe, and Flowmaster mufflers, this Cobra has plenty of poke on the straights.

It took several weeks, but eventually he found a pristine, low-mileage, one-owner 1995 Cobra. It was love at first sight. “It was pristine, white, and owned by an older lady who only put 6,000 miles on it.”

Thankfully, he had a small pile of money saved up. He immediately add H&R springs and Flowmaster two-chamber mufflers to make it his own. He says, “It’s all I could afford at the time, but the mufflers and springs gave it my own style—I was just happy to finally own a Cobra.”

He daydreamed of building his Cobra into a drag car, then a show car, and eventually into a road-racer after seeing the Saleen SR in 1997. “I still vividly remember seeing the SR for the first time. My jaw dropped. It was so clean and so aggressive with the chameleon paint, the five-spoke wheels, and that wing and front bumper. It was perfect.”

With the image of the Saleen SR indelibly burned into his mind, Josafat decided that his dream build was, in fact, a road-race ready SN95 Cobra with five-spoke wheels, a Saleen front bumper and wing, and full Maximum Motorsports suspension. The only problem was, he was broke. But that didn’t matter in his case because in the absence of money he had diehard commitment.

“I have never had deep pockets, but thankfully I was able to add a few mods in the first year before I could not afford to do anything for over a decade,” he explains.

Few rollers look better on an SN95 than these 18×9.5 front and 18×11 rear Simmons FRs wrapped in Sumitomo rubber and hiding a Brembo front big brake kit with two-piece rotors.

He diligently saved money every month, and in the first year he managed to have a custom set of 18-inch Simmons five-spoke, three-piece wheels imported into the U.S. via Group-A Autotrend. If you ask us, there’s no better wheel for his combo. Perfection!

“I never lost sight of my dream,” says Josafat, “but the responsibilities [There’s that R-word again! —Ed.] of life and the expense of the parts I wanted meant I would not add many parts for over 15 years.”

While he would not mod his beloved Cobra for a long time, in the ensuing 15 years his Cobra served him well as a daily driver for over 140,000 miles and through several moves, all without garages, and it continued to mature with him through a marriage and the birth of his sons.

“For years I daily drove the car and it sat outside, but I always took care of it, keeping it clean and covered every night,” Josafat says. “There were some months it was really hard to put that money in the bank, when times were rough and I sold a lot of things to stay afloat. The thought of selling the car entered my mind, but only for a minute. Thankfully, my wife was always supportive of the car.”

And so month after month, Josafat added small amounts of money to a savings account that slowly grew as the years and miles wore on. “I had my eye on a Maximum Motorsports Max Grip Box for years, and after I got married in 2010 my wife told me that I’d better finish the car before the kids came. Thankfully, she helped me fulfill my goals for the car.”

With the support of his wife and his monthly contribution of no more than $100, he depleted his savings account and threw the books at it with a complete makeover thanks to a Maximum Motorsports Max Grip Box installed by Matt Medeiros of Performance Technic. As you know, a Max Grip Box will turn any Mustang into a complete corner killer thanks to an entire suspension overhaul with a tubular K-member and A-arms, coilovers, caster-camber plates, a torque arm, a Panhard bar, lower control arms, an upgraded steering shaft, chassis bracing, and much more.

Josafat  says, “The Max Grip Box was a complete game changer. It literally took the car from fun to absolutely insane in the canyons and on track.”

The newfound grip and handling prowess drove him to attend several track days, where the car was much better than he was. “I spun out several times at Thunder Hill during my first track day. The car was great, but I needed some work.”

It had taken him nearly two decades to get the car to this point, but with the greenlight before his children were born, he spent the next six months hitting it with serious upgrades.

“Since I was bitten by the track bug, I decided to add some safety, braking, and chassis and engine upgrades to finish it off,” Josafat tells us. The safety upgrades came in the form of a Maximum Motorsports roll bar, a Cobra driver’s seat with RCI harnesses, and a Sparco steering wheel with an NRG quick-release hub.

When he wanted more speed on the straights, he added a BBK Performance CAI and shorty headers, along with a Bassani X-pipe. Energy Suspension engine mounts keep the motor secured, while a Fluidyne radiator keeps it cool. Ford Performance 3.73 gears also help performance, and a Torsen differential with a T/A girdle and Moser 31-spline axles help put the power down.

Speaking of traction, a performance alignment from Roger Kraus Racing with more negative camber and max caster, along with Maximum Motorsports full-length subframe connectors, added to the Cobra’s handling prowess. Of course, we cannot forget the Brembo big brake kit with two-piece front rotors.

While the OG Simmons wheels make us drool, they would not be anything without the rest of the package, completed thanks to a Saleen front bumper and T1 wing mounted atop a GT trunk lid, which was actually sourced from a local Pick n’ Pull.

We often talk about a cohesiveness that makes certain cars stand out, and truthfully, it’s hard to define it because there is no one path to greatness. For Josafat, his road to Mustang greatness wasn’t lined with deep pockets and a mile-long mod list. Instead, while his car’s cohesiveness is striking, what’s most compelling is the blood, sweat, and tears this car oozes—it doesn’t take long to see this car has heart. Every mile it has rolled, ever nick or blemish it has amassed, is another story to tell and another memory to recall.

“I love this car,” says Josafat, as if there could be any doubt. “It’s been around forever, and it’s part of so many stories. It’s like a tattoo, I remember every story and moment with it—the sacrifice and determination it took to keep it all these years taught me a lot about sticking to something.”

The post 1995 SN95 Cobra and Project Car Life: Never.Give.Up. appeared first on Hot Rod Network.

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[someonetotaketheedgeoff-blog]

22.08.2017 – Journal; Don’t Fuck Where You Eat, Work, Tasmania & Friday Night Open Mics

Don’t Fuck Where You Eat

Like life relationships become stale. You run out of motivation to push forward. Everything becomes boring. You suck each other dry. Maybe you only have so much ‘intimate’ love. You eventually annoy each other.

We love our parents and siblings but fuck they can annoy you. I think it’s hard to live with anyone unless you can fuck them to relieve the tension of living together - it’s why it sucks to live with your parents.

I lay under the table. She lay next to me. The laptop on the table playing music. I lay awkwardly, back to the couch. Bit of crying, bit of talking. Playing the same song over and over. Being sad and stoned is weird. Like being sad in slow motion. You think of drugs as a short cut to happiness but then when something jarringly sad happens during the high it amplifies the pain.

‘Please don’t kiss or fuck my best friend/roommate now we aren’t together’. I said.

‘��We… We… don’t do that much anymore… we don’t do that much anyway…’. She said.

Bad answer. Bad opener. Bad closer.

It’s just courteous - don’t fuck where you eat.

I joked that I could trade rooms with my roommate/best friend and we’ll go about life like nothing happened. Then I joked that I’ll just kill myself and he can move in to make things less awkward.

All of this is better I think. I can be a much better friend to her than a lover. Sexually I’m so fucked up and haven’t wanted to fuck her for ages anyway. Which depresses the fuck out of me because she’s very beautiful.

Maybe we spent too much time together.

After 6 months of fucking and spending time together secretly, then agreeing to be together we’ve spent nearly every day together for the last 3.5 years. Days and nights. Mostly it’s been great. Never really had a fight - argued of course. Never any intense disagreements.

After the break up I decided to have a short break from stand up – it wasn’t 100% because I was sad. I just didn’t have any jokes about the break up. Didn’t do stand up for about 3 weeks. In that time, I could feel myself becoming more and more full of shit. Saying things that I didn’t fully agree with and feeling fraudulent - you need stand up to kick you in your teeth.

Most people’s lives, mine included, are about avoiding failure. Trying to build a comfortable space for yourself. Stand up, if you’re trying, you’ll fail at it. You’ll eat shit and bomb but that’s a good thing. I learn more and more that you should shower yourself in failure. Find new ways to fail. Find innovative ways to get crushed, let days pass, have a wank in the shower and get back out there. The less bombing hurts you the better you’ll be. Just get back on that horse. That dead fucking horse. Stand up - the most brutal of the arts; sky diving for theatre kids and painters.

I went busking a few times when I was 16 at Salamanca market in Hobart. A great market, mostly for tourists on Saturdays. My parents were overly supportive, buying me a camping stool to sit on while I played guitar and my mum telling everyone she knew that I was busking.

It was before I sang. So, I just played guitar. I played Jazz standards on a steel string with no amplification. No one’d really be able to hear me over the noise of the market. I was super nervous and would play for only 40 minutes, making measly change.

I remember going once. I’d sat down after moving to a new area thinking it’d be more lucrative. I played for 5 minutes and my entire family turned up, their faces irritatingly beaming. As they walked closer and leaned over the guitar case I watched their faces lose their excitement as they all looked at one singular $2 coin.

My dad said something to the effect of – ‘Is that all you’ve made?’.

It paints a perfect picture of the arts. We all do it - when we walk past a busker. You try not to let them see as they play their shit cover of Wonderwall but you’re looking at their guitar case – your looking to see their worth.

When you talk about doing stand-up people ask if you make money. It doesn’t annoy me but when you say you don’t they look at you slightly less enthusiastically - it’s annoying.

I see it the same as studying. It takes years to become a practising lawyer but no one’s ever going to ask if you get paid while you’re studying to be one. It’s ridiculous to think anyone would make money out of an unconventional skill off the bat but I guess it’s how the world sees shit.

***

Walking through the city midday. Windy as fuck but the air had a warm comforting quality. I listened to Homebrew in my headphones and walked towards Flinders St. station. My bottom jaw lightly clenched in a smile that I couldn’t stop. The I-just-got-laid-smile.

Melbourne’s really an insanely colourful place. Crossing the road, a guy walked towards me from the other side. He looked rough and angry. He held a Buzz Lightyear action figure in one hand and angrily muttering aggressive shit to Buzz as we walked past.

I thought about last night as I slurped udon noodles. Did karaoke for the first time. Sang Radiohead’s Creep as hard as I could to a bar of strangers. A blokey dude slapped me on the arse when I finished – ‘Mate, bloody beautiful!’ he slurred.  

Work

At work, I filled up a tray of drinks and went to the foyer - 4 of us lined up in a row aligned with the entrance so guests could grab drinks as they came in. I was third along so fuck all people took my drinks.

Holding the tray quickly became utterly painful. I have OK arm strength but combined with maintaining balance it became increasingly brutal. I looked at the glasses. Maybe this is what hell is? You hold a tray of glasses in a lobby that no one ever drinks as you uncomfortably sweat into a white button up shirt.

Working this job (catering for weddings and events), you get to experience a lot of inner worlds that you wouldn’t usually see. Rich people, cultural weddings, people that take themselves very seriously. Working a charity fundraiser for super rich white people I took gluten free bread to a table. It was for a guy named ‘Theo’. I asked if there was a Theo on the table. An old grey dude was like - ‘a CEO?’. How corporate do you have to be to think I meant to say ‘CEO’. Struth.  

When I started this job, it was kinda brutal when you made mistakes. People of more authority would shred you verbally. To deal with this I pretended I was into being dominated in that way - that secretly I’m getting some sort of sexual satisfaction. So, I win.

After work. Sipping some decent champagne sitting at a desk covered in pens, an upper staff member, a predatorial gay dude, fiddled around in his suit jacket on the back of his chair. He walked a few steps over to where we sat, shuffling a wad of $50 notes like he was about to do a card trick.

‘Alright let’s see who’s got the biggest cock…?’ He said.

Light pause then a ripple of laughter. Funnier because he was serious. We sipped and sat uncomfortably. The conversation gained momentum again, ignoring what was said. Like a cyclist that’d fallen over, painfully getting back on their bike and pushing forward. I love the forwardness of gay dudes.

***

Depression’s inherently selfish but also a natural reaction to reality. The world we live in, the existence you’re dealt, a body so plagued with desires, the impossible grind for happiness, the potential for bad shit to happen all the time.

Hard to say whether it’s a half empty glass or half full when the glass doesn’t exist - or filled with tears.

When I feel positive or make myself feel positive I feel like a fraud, a fake, a liar because I can’t help believing everything’s fucked. When I commit to being negative I ultimately feel worse, I justify bad behaviour, I take more drugs, I neglect my friends, I drain people, I don’t follow my dreams.

Depression’s basically a mindset you can’t see a way out of. A narrowing of your mental peripherals. It’s a justifiable response to reality so it can be an effort to heave yourself out. Actual clinical depression’s quite rare I imagine. But every second person I know is on pills. Makes you wonder what the fuck is going on? What happened? Did life suddenly become shit? No, they just created a pill that makes you not notice – true virtual reality.

Everything’s work. Nothing comes for free - especially not a good mental state. When you see someone happy – they worked for that shit. Or maybe they paid for it. If you know them well and they’re smart and aware - the harder they worked for their happiness. When you see someone happy all the time and you’re a miserable cunt you either look at them and think what a blissful dumb fuck or you wonder what they know that you don’t.

All my heroes were/are depressed, dry, cranky, alcoholic, drug riddled motherfuckers.

I’m thinking about being depressed for a while. Just casually. Maybe part time. Never go full time depressed though – the hours will kill you.

Tasmania

Went to Tasmania for 6 days. Just to hang out really. See my friends. I drank nearly every day and chain-smoked like an animal. I had a many great conversations. I saw a lot of people. Did a gig. Went to the yoga with my sister. Went to Hobart’s infamous basement of sweat, Cascade Larger and chlamydia - Mobius night club.

Tasmania’s small. If you’ve grown up there – going out drinking becomes like this unwanted school reunion – in fact everywhere becomes an unwanted school reunion. Living there you get very good at clocking people from a distance and ignoring them in the mall. It’s not even because you don’t want to see them. It’s just tedious when you’re trying to buy bread and see 7 people from grade 4 in the process.

Coming back, I welcomed this. It’s taxing when you live there but visiting I embraced it. Getting off the bus in the city I walked around aimlessly knowing I’d see people I knew. I saw 4 people I knew. We punched darts under a bus shelter in the wet air and talked shit – it was beautiful.

The gig I did in Tassie went well.

After the gig, I stood outside smoking with friends. An intense dude wearing a trench coat and a child’s backpack walked around the court yard. We watched him disappear into the bushes and return to give everyone a rock he’d found.

‘One for you there mate…’.

‘One for you, one for you…’.

‘…Ah and one for the lady…’.

Even when it’s not an open mic mental illness inevitably gravitates to comedy.

My friend with zero streets smarts and/or awareness of reality jokingly told the guy to throw one of the rocks through the window of the bar.

‘No. Don’t do that’. I said firmly, stepping forward.

‘What the fuck are you saying man?’. I asked. ‘The guys obviously high as fuck… Jesus fucking Christ’.

My friend just laughed and shrugged it off.

After I’d performed the same friend came up me to me.

‘You did really well… I see a man that no longer cares about his own happiness only his success’. He said.

I didn’t know how to answer that. I paused for a bit.

‘My happiness comes from being honest on stage… If that brings me success then… great… I still care about my happiness though man…’.

Coming back on the plane, I got on the train home. Looking out the window I played back a montage of all the goodbye hugs that I’d had in Tassie. It made my eyes water and gave an intense feeling of optimism – A rarity to me in the past months.

Friday Night Open Mics

Sitting in the front row of a Friday night open mic waiting to go on.

I sat there overthinking everything. Thinking about the history of stand up and all my favourite comedians. Going through my set in my head. Re-wording a bit in my mind – a bit where I shit on a dude that looked like a dude sitting behind me in the audience. I changed my description to something that wouldn’t create attention.

I over thought everything until my tension plateaued and I felt calm. A calm I used to feel doing comedy in Tasmania. It felt good and my set went OK.

I missed out a bit about breaking up with my girlfriend. The bit leading into it talked about using my girlfriend’s vibrator to fuck myself while she’d been away. I forgot the bit so it seemed like I still had a girlfriend.

The MC got back up.

‘Liam Donnelly everyone!’. People clapped. ‘… He shouldn’t fuck his arsehole… He doesn’t even have a girlfriend! Hack!’. He said.

I laughed somewhat sheepishly.

I knew he had no idea if I had a girlfriend or not but my mind spun. Does he know? How does he know? Does he read my shit? Na he’s just ripping shreds. Surely.

Hours later into the morning I smoked on Flinders St. steps. A woman with a face like a clenched fist comes by and sweetly asks for a spare smoke. I smiled and said I didn’t have any.

I watched a young couple across from me sitting on a cube of concrete. They smoked and smiled. Usually after a break up seeing couples is a sad reminder of what you don’t have anymore. But I felt nothing watching them. Wasn’t bitter or sad. The idea of ‘being’ with someone now seems strange to me. Like a hobby I don’t understand. Like windsurfing or cheerleading.

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel lonely. If I felt lonely I’d be fucked.

I fell in and out of sleep on the replacement bus. Dangerous thing to do. Could wake up anywhere, be completely fucked and be forced to Uber home.

My head pounded so hard when I got home. 2 ibuprofens, protein shaker full of water, 1 reluctant cigarette and a wank for desert. Phone on 9% - enough for a wank. My head pounded so hard I had to grip my forehead with my free hand to stop it throbbing.

I spend so much time drunk. Why? Am I bored or scared of my own brain?

I don’t know if you can be creative for your whole like and be happy.

[jobsinchina-dbestinfo-blog]

Before you want to teach in China, read this

Teach in China---So many websites and bloggers extol the virtues of teaching overseas. Reach to Teach is one example. The writer of this blog post tries to convince you with six reasons to teach abroad.

Teaching can be rewarding, but my experiences in China have been polarizing.

When I first arrived, I taught at Jiangnan University, the largest university in Wuxi. The students were enthusiastic, serious and hard working.  Jiangnan management treated the teachers fairly well. I was wined and dined at special occasions and was even taken on a weekend excursion to Yangzhou. My colleagues were kind enough, kept to themselves. It was fine.

Then things switched at North American College (NAC), formerly Lambton College. NAC is a private college on the same campus as Jiangnan, so I didn’t have to change cities or residences. Here’s the reality about some private colleges, many students that attend have failed or scored low in the Gaokao, so this affects their attitude. My students cared less about the course. They would play on their smartphones constantly, not show up, speak to their classmates when I would speak. One had a tantrum because of something his friend said and stormed out. Oh, and sleeping. They loved to sleep in class, rather than outside of class. The sleep thing happens in Chinese classrooms, but it exacerbated me — I was already on edge. Management was ineffectual and at the same time confusing. They’d assert one rule, only to break it later, because wealthy parents are paying and that’s all that matters. Now, my colleagues? That was another story.

I’d like you to meet Lynn. I won’t use her real name, though it’s tempting. This was June, about two months ago. I sat in front of my computer in shock, mouthing the words from her email. “It’s clear you don’t know anything about writing an exam.” I could quote more from that poison pen letter, but let’s zoom to earlier that same day when she stopped me outside our apartment complex and started berating me, her tone laced with condescension. Oh, always the sarcasm. Some other teachers were also outside at the same time and heard every word.

It was awful. Embarrassing. For her to speak to me like I was an idiot savant, a mewling 5 year old in front of our colleagues. This was probably the umpteenth incident with Lynn, there had been several. Always approaching me with disdain and hostility. From the day I started the semester.

Who is Lynn? A retired teacher of 30 plus years, a woman who’d walk around with a bent back and smelled of Bengay, she’d come into the teacher’s lounge and in her booming voice, utter something inappropriate. Usually offensive. Not always at me, but at someone.

Lynn was the coordinator of the program I taught, but more a figurehead rather than someone with a decent pay cheque behind her. Lynn imagined herself as someone in an elevated position above me. Even though I’m older than her eldest son. Even though I have years of experience in the corporate world and know discipline. She berated me for infractions that other teachers committed (letting students out five to ten minutes early), yet I never heard of them being taken aside by her. By the way, she committed this infraction herself. She even began to invent things that I supposedly did. One hilarious accusation was that I texted in class. I use my iPhone for a clock because I don’t have a watch. And dude, this is China. A Chinese person will literally spend hours sitting at a mall on their phones. Just on their phones. Not walking around or exploring. 90% of the time I was the one telling my students to get off their phones.

The saddest part? Lynn is Canadian. She had a personal wish to exert her 30 plus years of teaching over my one plus year of teaching. How could I possibly win? Management at NAC hadn’t even bothered to hear my side of the story, even though I tried to broach it with the Vice-Dean.

It sounds like I’m whining and maybe I am. I certainly made mistakes as a teacher. Nobody is perfect. But the universal truth is it’s a basic human right to be treated with respect. I’d call it an inalienable right. I got neither respect or courtesy from that woman.

So before you charge into China thinking it’s the land of milk and honey for teaching, you should be aware of a few things. Ask yourself some honest questions.

1.  The Reputation of the School

The truth of NAC is I pretty much walked into it. I was already living on the same campus when I heard some negative stories. Many teachers will get jobs through recruiters and teaching websites like Serious Teachers or TEFL.com. Those are fine to find a job, but then what are you walking into? You know I’m all for adventure, but when you’ve signed a contract and have to live there for a year, things get sticky.

My tip: Once you’ve been offered a contract from a school, try to search forums from that city to find out what outsiders or former insiders say about the school. Chances are, a foreigner or two has worked there or is currently working there. A very good place to start is an expat website, they usually have forums. I found a fairly negative comment about NAC on Wuxi Life. Oh shame, why didn’t I listen to my inner voice?

2.  The Location of the School

Chinese cities are broken into three tiers. First tier cities are the most populous and have the highest GDP — Shanghai, Beijing and Guangzhou. Second tier cities are like Dalian, Wuhan or Chongqing. I was offered a job in Jiangmen city in the province of Guangdong. Sounds great because it’s so near Hong Kong, but when I spoke to Becky, one of the current teachers there, the truth came out. “Well, I’m 55 (crackling phone line) and there isn’t really a direct railway from here (more crackling), you gotta take a bus to Guangzhou. It’s a quiet place, not much to do, if you like that sort of thing (mind numbing deafening white noise)….” Definitely three tier.

My tip: There’s nothing wrong with a third tier city, you can have enriching experiences, but it’s not my cup of tea. For a place I intend to live for a year, I prefer a mix of stimulation and quiet. My suggestion is research deeper on wikipedia, travel websites and again, forums, to read up on the location of your school. Make sure it suits your personality.

3.  Where Will You Live?

Remember that nasty email I got from Lynn about my hapless skills at crafting a suitable exam? I owe it all to Pat, my co-teacher. Pat and I taught the same level of students and he became like me, more and more disgruntled at management and the lack of resources available to us until one day he screamed expletives in my face and all we were doing was discussing how to administer the final exam. I asked a question, he responded with fuck this, fuck that, fucken told you already and fucken not telling you again. He was so disruptive and angry that students in the hallway turned to us and stared. We were supposed to write the exam together, but I had to by myself and culled it from exams he’d written and from past teachers, so it’s interesting that Lynn thought it sucked. Anyway, my point is there we were, the three of us, coagulating with tension and the most uncomfortable part was we lived in the same apartment building and I couldn’t escape these crazy people.

My tip: If you teach at a college or university, 100% of the time you will live on campus with your colleagues or in some cases, where students also live (depends on the size of the institution). I HATED this. Violently. Because when there’s tension at work, there’s no physical distance from your colleagues. AT ALL. The free apartment sounds like a perfect score, but think about it. When you work at an office and you don’t get along with someone, you get to leave and not see that person for another 14 hours. I never had that luxury. The complex I lived at had no other entrances to enter unseen and there were these picnic tables out front where Lynn and Pat would sit and hover. This made my home life miserable. To have to deal with them outside of teaching too? I’d never do it again. I recommend you think carefully about the living situation and if it suits your mental and emotional needs, not just how much you will save. The benefit of teaching at a high school (besides higher pay) is that you usually won’t live in the same building as your coworkers, but in many cases far apart.

4.  Who Are Your Colleagues?

Besides the horrific Pat and Lynn situation, living at NAC was like living at an old folks home. Most of the teachers at the college were 50 years or older and there were endless complaints. “Oh, I know it’s minus 15, but your heater is so noisy, could you turn it down?”  “I hear you walking to the bathroom every night, could you be more quiet?”  “Yesss, it’s only 6 pm, but your music is a bit loud.”

My tip: Ask the Dean or your supervisor about the demographics before you take the job. This will give you an idea on whether you’ll get along with everyone. As for sussing out the crazy, I got lost in it for a while, really wondering if I was nuts and that it was normal to yell ‘fuck’ in people’s faces and make up bullshit accusations or watch other teachers like they are criminals through the window of their classroom. Nah, based on this, I’m perfectly sane.

5.  What Color is Your Skin?

I can’t really sugar coat this. China is a burgeoning nation with preconceived notions of race. These biases extend to race being associated with competence. I already wrote about the insane flip of events I experienced — how my Asian face is unwanted as a teacher in some quarters. I urge you to read Marketus Presswood’s article about his experience living as a black man in China.

An excerpt from Presswood’s article:

“I overheard students speaking in Chinese about how they were paying so much money and wanted a white instructor. One student went so far as to say, “I don’t want to look at his black face all night.” There was nothing my supervisor could do. The market was demanding white teachers and the company was responding to that demand.”

My tip: If you are a person of color and want to work as a teacher in China, I can’t lie. You will be marginalized at times. For every recruiter or potential employer who has judged me, I’ve also received streams of compliments about my teaching skills, when those people were able to look beyond what the market is demanding. The times I’ve been unfairly scrutinized were very uncomfortable. That has to be the worst part of experiencing racism, this sinking feeling of being powerless. Come here with open eyes and try to forgive employers/recruiters a little. Racism exists in many developed countries, so China’s struggle is she’s only been open to the world for a tender 34 years. She has a lot of growing up to do.

6.  You Can’t be Fughly

Now that I teach pilots, it sounds like a glamorous job and truth is, it sort of is. Last weekend I attended a gourmet Chinese meal with my female supervisor, some Chinese colleagues and an American pilot. When I walked in wearing a little black number my female supervisor said emphatically, “You look beautiful tonight.” This rings like an innocent comment and I’m sure it is, but her compliment fired up a story in my mind. I was in Shanghai having cocktails with some teacher friends one weekend. A long time friend who is a director at a private school told us how frustrating her bosses were because she had to defend a hiring choice. When we asked why she had to defend the choice, I nearly spit out my margarita at her reply, “Well, because they told me that she is mousy and unattractive, that basically she’s ugly and the parents won’t like this.  I told them I didn’t care what she looks like because she’s a damn good teacher.”

My tip:  I’m not trying to say I’m hot and you’re not. This isn’t a one off thing either. It seems like it is, but I’ve heard these stories before. I don’t even know how to address this. My only take is the Chinese care about the appearance of perfection. I have a good job, enough money, dutiful wife/husband and an obliging child. So I suppose this ideal permeates the workplace. You know, based on one’s outward package. I think it’s downright weird to judge someone’s competence on their looks. Perhaps we all do it, but in China it’s more pronounced. As for a tip, um, ditch the hipster clothes and hit H&M maybe?

I’m sorry if this post has turned you off to the idea of teaching in China. I hope not. As much as these aspects exasperate me, it’s fairly easy to save money here and enjoy the opportunity to travel to some legendary sites. Like anywhere, China has it’s pluses and minuses. I’m just relaying what I’ve experienced.

The rest is up to you

[topicprinter]

Obligatory proofs: http://ift.tt/2jaMNTM - I'm not selling or promoting anything. No backlinks to blogs here. In my day to day life I don't get an opportunity to network with people in this space or adjacent industries and people I know don't really have a clue what it is I do so I simply enjoy sharing my insights for the sake of contribution and occasionally discovering opportunities from others I didn't know about.Second - the net profit on this amount is approximately $216k. The costs were spread out over 2015 and 2016 and were approximately $100k altogether +/- 5k.There are tons of guides on the internet and a bunch of case studies of varying success/investment at /r/juststart that are mostly related to Amazon affiliate marketing specifically.A little bit about who I am and background:I'm 30, married, no kids. I dropped out of college the end of my 3rd year as a music major (I played Trumpet/Euphonium).I came from a fairly impoverished family whom I am mostly all but completely disconnected to now. I grew up in an old beat up trailer on a piece of property that was literally used as a garbage dump that my parents got for around $10k and between the two of them made around 15k a year until they got divorced and my dad went to prison for manslaughter.I moved out when I graduated HS at 17 and never went back with about $100 in my pocket.I worked 50-60 hours per week (80 during the summer) after I turned 18 doing night shifts, weekend shifts, and shift I could get between and after classes to have enough money to support myself and still failed miserably, it was barely enough money to keep my car running and keep my health together (I was very unhealthy and overweight, had a lot of health problems around 18-19 and no health insurance). I did adult foster care in group homes, where there were usually six extremely MR adults (can't talk, wear adult diapers, basically can't function at all except pace around making noises and eat) for around $5.50 an hour. Had to bathe them, give them their meds, feed them, ect. The hardest part was they had to be taken out into the world on "outings" to eat and stuff. I think the most embarassing thing that ever happened was taking them to Pizza hut and one of them jumped out of the booth into a families booth and just started shoving all their pizza down his throat furiously and ripping all the food off their plates in literally a 5 second time frame.I had a huge interests in computers, somehow by the grace of the old gods and the new my parents bought us a computer when I was around 9 with Windows 95 on it and since I really had nothing else to do as a kid I spent literally every waking moment learning how every nook and cranny of the computer worked until we got dial up internet around 3 years later.The internet changed my world really, it was my connection to the outside world and let me see that a world did actually exist out of that trailer in the woods and there was a wealth of information.I taught myself HTML and created my first websites hosted on Geocities and Angelfire when I was around 12 and also pirated my first copy of Dreamweaver even though it took 3 days to download on 56k.From 2000-2010 I built several forums and websites for gaming communities I was a part of, namely Half-Life/Counter-Strike, Everquest, and Lord of the Rings Online. I never once thought of my skills as "monetizable" and figured pretty much anyone could do that stuff.Sometime in 2008 I started getting serious about getting healthy, I was an insane 330 lbs, and got down to about 190 after getting really involved with the community at bodybuilding.com. It was there I stumbled about a thread about SEO and Affiliate Marketing some time in late 2010 which spurred basically a 7 year marathon of content absorption around the topics and everything related to them.It took four years and probably over 100 domains and iterations to create a website I could actually consider a success.I worked as an IT guy at a bank and a chemical company after I dropped out of college. I managed to get an entry level helpdesk job for $13 an hour and worked my way up to $21 after 7 years and several job changes I used to leverage little promotions and raises.At the end of those 7 years I moved to Washington DC area and did the same job for $38/hr at a bank.After 3 years of doing that job I quit at the end of Q1 2016 to focus on building profitable websites and explore new business opportunities.I'm not an especially materialistic person and I don't really feel like I need much more than I have now at 30. Happily married, no kids, no debt other than a mortgage that is about 30% paid off (about 250k left on it). My wife and I bought a house about an hour out of the city and she works at home remotely now.We're trying for kids but so far it hasn't been successful so I'm not sure if that is 100% in the cards or not yet.For fun I'm mostly lifting weights and playing Heroes of the Storm (can't put this game down), or reading reddit/blogs/forums.I spent a lot of time traveling when I worked for the bank, and also spent a lot of time traveling recreationally over the past 4-5 years and had a lot of great experiences, but sadly I feel like I'm all traveled out and it's not something I look forward to like I used to.I got to a point where I was sort of asking myself what's next, so I turned my basement into a small warehouse and am launching an ecommerce store just to get my feet wet. I've been sending everyone else sales for the past few years I figured I'd see what it's like to drive some of my own.AMA about internet marketing/SEO/Amazon affiliate program, working from home, quitting your job, relocating your life, or HOTS - just here to network and chat since I don't have a lot to do today while I'm waiting for China to ship me dozens of samples for the new store.

[allenmendezsr]

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I am at the bank right now and just finished depositing the checks into my bank account.”

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