#all your relationships will never last and you're actually undeserving of love. and you don't even hate them

[claudiadpdl]

you know whats cool?? mourning the death of a close friendship so intensely that you actually kinda wanna die on a random saturday night

[canonicallyobserving911]

Both T.K.'s were/are bad for Buck!

Unpopular opinion: Since the start of the hiatus, it's been interesting to see all the takes on the two separate but equally bad BT relationships (BuckTaylor and BuckT*mmy). Both T.K.'s were/are PLOT DEVICES!

Some have posted that Taylor and Buck could have been endgame when her character was clearly written to be anything but that. She became completely unrecognizable by 5x6 especially in 5x7 when she had practically a whole episode dedicated to her arrested development of a childhood and she got more screen time in season 5 than most of the mains, i.e., Eddie, Bobby and Chimney!

But I digress...

I completed a post about the two T.K.'s before 7x4 aired and I said it then, I don't think T*mmy has changed one bit the same way Taylor didn't and I still believe that.

Back in seasons 4 and 5 most people hated the way Taylor treated Buck. She called him needy in 4x8 and in 4x14 and 5x17, she talked to him the same way Margaret still does (related post & post). She got worse in season 5 especially when she promised him that she wouldn't leak that story about Jonah and she told Hen and Chimney it was "off the record". Reminder, Buck got interrogated by Chief Alonzo for that.

Also, TAYLOR WAS NEVER IN LOVE WITH HIM. Please understand just because a person says "I love you" to someone, that doesn't make it true. She didn't know what love was and neither did Buck. Reminder, he didn't define what love means to him until 5x18, right before he broke up with her (related post) and his definition was SOLELY ABOUT EDDIE! (When you're at your worst and they're at their worst...)

But it's sarcastically hilarious how two seasons later and Buck haphazardly falls into another IDK, whatever the "F" he's in with T*mmy and opinions about the way Taylor treated Buck have completely changed. She's being held up as his most important and long lasting relationship. While it's true she was there for an entire season, their relationship was toxic and Buck was UNHAPPY the entire time he was in the loft with her. Some are saying she could have been it for Buck if the WrItErS would have written better storylines for her. Additionally, there are several who think they would have been good friends or BeStiEs but be clear, Taylor and Buck were never friends, they were Frienemies which means they used each other to get what they wanted. It started out like that in season 2 and it ended the same way.

Fast forward to season 7 and T*mmy's being written the same way she was and their characters are so much alike that it's uncanny. She kissed Buck in his loft and ran and T*mmy did the same thing. But some takes have indicated that T*mmy is worse than Taylor but I beg to differ because IMO, they were/are both BAD FOR BUCK. T*mmy is just as dismissive, rude, annoying, belittling and obnoxious if not more than Taylor was and they've both said horrible things to him. Just because he's a man doesn't make it worse or better because Taylor and T*mmy are both $hitty characters for him.

Neither of the T.K.'s appeared/appear to even like Buck and all they wanted/want to do was/is use him for his "Firehose". They've both been rude to him and they've both had undeserved redemption arcs. But remember Taylor really wasn't actually redeemed (related post) and by the end of 5x17, she showed the audience who she really was, a third rate journalist who was still trying to climb the corporate ladder so she could be an anchorwoman (which she never attained but she did write a raggedy book and it seems she used Buck and the 118 to get the info she put in it).

Since T*mmy didn't get a proper redemption, it's clear he hasn't been redeemed either and it's likely he hasn't changed. Hen and Chimney don't trust him, Maddie doesn't like him and EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW how Eddie feels about both of them.

HE HATES THEM AND HIS EYES ARE ALWAYS THE WINDOWS TO HIS SOUL. THEY NEVER LIE!

By the end of season 5, Taylor showed the audience she hadn't changed when she threw the entire 118 under the bus just like she wanted to do in 2x6 when they were all "Dosed" and it's likely the new T.K. will do the same thing now that his father figure Gerard is back.

One more thing, Taylor's dad was convicted of killing her mother and T*mmy doesn't get along with his dad so WTF are they trying to say about Buck and the way he sees his own parents? I still don't believe Phillip is Buck's bio dad but hey... the Buckleys got an undeserved redemption arc too just like a lot of others.

#FreeBuckFromTheseHorribleLoveInterests

I ONLY SHIP BUDDIE!

DO NOT REBLOG THIS POST WITH AN OPPOSING OPINION. IF YOU LIKE EITHER BT RELATIONSHIP THEN WRITE A POST ON YOUR BLOG AND GUSH OVER THESE TRAIN WRECK RELATIONSHIPS!

IF YOU TRY IT, YOU'LL BE BLOCKED!

[mickimomo]

The 'Worshipped Wives' Committee (Part 4)

The Heartbroken Feathered Serpent

Link to Part 3

Shuri was the last to enter the gilded room before sitting down next to a pregnant Okoye and indifferent Namora.

Ayo arched a brow at the queen.

Ayo: You look stressed, my Queen.

Shuri, waving off her formalities: We have a problem.

Namora: What is it?

Shuri: I've upset my husband.

Ayo: So, you have a problem. Not we.

Shuri: Yes.

Okoye: What did you do?

Shuri: I told him I hated him, and he's been avoiding me ever since.

Okoye: Avoiding?

Shuri: He no longer visits my lab. He does not sleep in our room. I rarely see him anywhere in Wakanda.

Ayo: Any affection?

Shuri: None. He doesn't even look at me during our meetings with the council. He seems so cold now.

Namora: That is called a consequence. Not a problem.

Shuri: And that conment is not helping me come up with a solution.

Ayo: Why did you tell K'uk'ulkan that you hate him?

Okoye: Especially when you know he's extra sensitive to your words.

Shuri: He was being annoying and it was pissing me off. Like- he knows I was working hard on something and he got mad at me because I forgot something he had planned out.

Ayo: Shuri. He planned something out and you stood him up. You're the bad guy in this situation.

Shuri: I am not-

Namora: -You know he will never escape the judgment of others pertaining to the wrongs he's done to you and Wakanda. You saw how everyone was against your wedding. *crosses her arms* You should have just ran your spear through him if you did not want the burden of his affection. It would be more honorable than this.

Shuri: I- *sighs under Namora's glare* Ok. How do I fix this?

Ayo: You're going to have to drop the act.

Shuri: The act?

Okoye: Being difficult with him. You're going to have to be affectionate and open and sincere.

Shuri: Affectionate? Like... PDA...?

Okoye: Yes. And actually doting on him. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated by their spouse.

Shuri: Can't I just sleep with him?

Namora: Being intimate with your lover is not a remedy. You must resolve things with words. You know that intimacy holds great meaning between lovers in Talokan. Do not offend Aj K'uk'ulkan further by suggesting such a thing.

Shuri: This sucks.

Ayo: Then maybe you shouldn't go around telling him you hate him.

Shuri: I don't want to hear anything from you Ayo. Let's not forget how you made Aneka cry for those ducklings.

Ayo: Not wanting to deal with duck poop is way less serious than telling Aneka I hate her.

Okoye: I agree.

Namora: The two of you are undeserving of your companions' affection for making them cry and suffer so much.

Ayo: I don't want to hear that coming from someone who's married to a woman with a blood kink.

Namora: Oni likes blood in combat. It does not cross over into our relationship. She is treasured properly unlike your lovers.

Ayo: What about that time you landed her in a wheelchair.

Namora: That was because I pleasured her too much. *shrugs* She was spoiled thoroughly during her recovery. I now know her limits very well.

Shuri: I'm still surprised you top Oni.

Namora: There is no top or bottom. We just do whatever feels right in the moment.

Ayo: Wait! You've been on the bottom?

Namora: Have you ever seen Oni tipsy or after a sparring session?

Ayo: Ah. I understand. Drunk Aneka is something else entirely.

Okoye pulled out a comtainer of cubed fruit before getting teary as she looked inside.

Ayo: Udade?

Okoye, holding up a heart-shaped piece of honeydew with her fork: I've been craving melons like crazy lately, so Attuma packed me a container of honeydew today. *sniffles* And he cut every piece into a heart.

Shuri: I-Is that bad?

Okoye: No. It's just so cute. *sniffles*

Namora: But you are crying.

Okoye: If you were pregnant, you would understand. *pops a piece of fruit into her mouth* These hormones are serious.

They all nodded in agreement before refocusing on the Queen's dilemma.

Okoye, pointing her fork at the Shuri: What are you going to do?

Shuri: Short black dress tactics?

Ayo: Mm... no.

Namora: You should wear something from Talokan.

Shuri: Ok. *makes notes* Then I find him and apologize. Maybe call him my king? Bat my eyes a little.

Okoye: It must be sincere.

Shuri: it will be. I just might need a bit of liquor in my system.

Ayo: Shuri.

Shuri: What!?

Okoye: Absolutely not.

Shuri: That's too much to do sober.

Ayo: You married him!

Shuri: And I'm trying to fix our marriage.

Okoye: Bast give us strength.

Namora: You must be clear and sober with your apology. He will know your intentions, and you may face his wrath if you half ass it.

Shuri: Fiiiinnne. I'll try.

Ayo: And. If all goes well- you'll report back to us with good news.

Shuri: If it works.

Namora: It will work if you are sincere.

Shuri: Right. *takes a deep breath before exhaling* Sincere

End notes:

We finally get to see the other side of the wife worship quad. Namora could definitely be a part of the wife worship squad, but she's never as explicit as Oni. So. That's why she's over here.

Should I write out a snippet of Shuri apologizing to Namor? How long do you think it will take for them to make amends?

Link to Part 5

[sugar-omi]

Let me give you some context for my mc Dani.

I based her a lot on myself, raised to be polite, accommodating but still true to herself, carefree and free spirited if a little naive, never had an actual relationship until she was 18

So for her, Baxter was he r first relationship and the first time she could say she fell in love. Even tho she knew summer loves didn't last

And so for my MC's feelings I like "Perfect doesn't last" by Beth Crowley

"I would have bet on us

We were untouchable, you and I

I couldn't get enough

It was a fairytale come to life"

So in love she felt like they could take on the world together, nver before did she feel this light like floating in the clouds

"I had your heart

At least that's what I thought"

That's what she wanted to think, that somehow Baxter felt the same, that he would feel enough for her to give it a try past the summer

"You had my heart

And tossed it in the dirt"

But then the end came and she was proven wrong, that all she gave wasn't enough

"With my rose-colored glasses on

I never saw it coming

Maybe it's good you're gone

But it still leaves me wanting you

To finally just tell me the truth"

She didn't expect it to hurt this much but she had accepted the hurt when she agreed to a summer love, maybe now she could go back to how it was before. But she can't, no with how much she still wants him in her life. If only he would tell her why it had to be this way.

*link

that... that is such a good song choice... wtf..

i love that too, the first relationship/love thing. the first is always the strongest. it hits you like a wave and it settles in your bones, it fills the empty spaces of your body and circles around your throat like a cord, a cord that's in the other persons hand.

and baxter, baxter is too desperate to be apart of this little slice of heaven you have in sunset bird, puts himself in as a character in your life and ignores your naive, puppy like eyes when you admire him when you think he isn't looking.

he drinks up such innocence because this time it's real, true and unrestricting love. you give and give and you do not hold your hand out to take but to hold, and he avoids the sensitive topics, avoids hugging you too tightly, avoids telling you he missed you even though you only parted long enough to sleep and he avoids telling you that you look pretty because if he says it right now in front of the sunset he might as well just tell you he loves you.

he would hope you don't call this your first love because he's so undeserving of it but he would pursue you anyway...

[madtomedgar]

Confession: I've nearly dropped out of CQL fandom because people have gotten so much Worse about Nies vs JGY in the last year or so that I can't stomach it. I like JGY and NHS but really really do not like NMJ, and it seems like the latter is a dealbreaker with all parties because I feel bad for NHS insofar as NMJ also victimizes him and he's so fucking In It that his family treating him like shit completely consumes his life in a dead-end revenge quest in which he takes it out on everyone else while attempting to target JGY, and everyone else is like. Well that clearly just means he loves his brother so much, OR he's just complicit/willing to accept anything from NMJ. Either way these two are joined at the hip forever, Do Not Separate, and any inclination that maybe NHS would've been better off, and done far less harm, if he was less Stuck with his own family (going down with the ship there!) is shot down because he Sided With NMJ In The End (and is privileged enough to *checks notes* live with someone who is explosive/abusive towards him but also dotes on him allegedly, which cancels the former out), so everything else is impossible to have ever changed, unnecessary or undeserved. It's like if he liked or was loyal to NMJ then he deserves no sympathy for having been collateral in NMJ's outbursts, or he wasn't hurt enough compared to others for that to count. I don't like the brother who terrorizes his sibling, I'm upset by the scenes in CQL and FJ of him blowing up at NHS, destroying his stuff, terrifying him, AND the scenes of him attacking JGY. I'm sensitive to the ~less bad~ stuff with NHS because they are siblings. I feel bad for both the terrorized-but-loyal sibling and the even-more-terrorized and more-threatened sworn brother, and that's got no place anywhere.

Anyways confession goes here bc you're the only person I've ever seen talk about NMJ in terms of explosive anger for which he does bear some responsibility in terms of dealing with the fallout, and talk about how "if you don't want to be hurt then just don't be there when I'm angry, and if I can't help it you can't hold it against me" fucking sucks as a framework, and even if you don't share this take on NHS (which is fair, like I said I don't think anyone probably does) you'd at least get why NMJ is so... much (derogatory) in ways that aren't solely because he's a shit employer/sworn brother.

Nonny, you are so valid and cool for this ask and I love you.

I... really hate how, because the actor tears up a lot and seems like a nice person whose personality inflects his acting, fandom has decided that Nie Mingjue is actually a sweet, sensitive and reasonable person who never "really" treated anyone too badly. And haha Nie Huaisang is such a brat! Like. I don't talk much about it but that honestly makes me see red.

I... look. I think anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of a mentor figure, parent figure, or sibling's explosive anger issues is going to project our shit onto this dynamic. And in my case that... unfortunately comes along with the fantasy of it actually being possible to make that person see what they're doing, and understand, and stop so that you can still have, or have again, the parts of that relationship that are/were good without having to worry about your safety and tiptoe around them. So I often wind up giving Nie Mingjue more credit or energy than is really warranted, because I want Nie Huaisang to have a brother who shows care for him in a way that isn't yelling at him, threatening him, and controlling him, and I want Jin Guangyao to be able to keep that deep respect and affection you see in his eyes in some of their early scenes.

And, like I said, you are very correct about Nie Huaisang. Idk I don't... like to label character dynamics as abuse unless it's explicit. Partially because I feel like it makes it hard to talk about the dynamic, in that it supersedes and flattens every conversation into "person A bad, person B good/helpless," and because in my experience, when someone calls a dynamic abusive, or even says it reminds them of something they experienced that they're calling abuse, people get REALLY mad and REALLY nasty really fast and I want to enjoy myself here lol.

That being said, yeah, frankly, a lot of how Nie Mingjue treats Nie Huaisang, if you just described what is happening without attaching character names, most people would think was deeply fucked! I think a lot of "Nie bros" people write it off by blaming Jin Guangyao, or say "oh he didn't really mean it" because... Nie Huaisang continually runs away and refuses to do saber practice? Which isn't the evidence they think it is.

The place I have a hard time with Nie Huaisang is that, while he didn't want to be a cultivator, especially in the saber style, he was given literally the best education and opportunities in the world, despite sucking and not wanting them. And then you have Meng Yao, who wants to go to school so bad and would be so diligent and happy and good! And instead he has to do jobwork, which involves taking care of Nie Huaisang and his education. And unfortunately the extent to which he gets to be a pampered little princeling turns me off the character big time. Which doesn't negate the incredibly fucked up situation he's in with his brother, or his suffering there. I think also the way he responds to Nie Mingjue's... everything by kind of antagonizing him and being a refusnik also pushes some buttons for me for reasons I don't want to get into, while Jin Guangyao's waffling between appeasement and trying to reason with him resonates big time. And then of course the "I have turned your explosive rage into a bomb and the next time you turn it on me, you will explode and die. Just fyi." Is like. Amazing, Incredible, Phenomenal, Iconic, etc.

Idk this is not the first fandom I've been in where there's been a like. Physically much larger and stronger character who has serious anger issues that they externalize onto characters who are visibly weaker and smaller, and somehow a large chunk of the fandom has decided that actually, it's the big scary yelling violent one who is so sad and in need of gentle handling and hugs and maybe if everyone stopped being so mean to them etc. And the weaker character, when they deploy the methods available to them to defend themselves, are like. Evil conniving manipulators who are playing the victim card and 100% emotionally abusing the person... being violent towards them. It's weird and it keeps happening and I don't get it other than that it might be like... people love twists and the unexpected, and so "what if the person who looks like the dangerous one here actually wasn't!" seems like good storytelling?

But yeah. I don't think Nie Mingjue is like. Evil or a one-dimensional monster or anything, but I also wish fandom was more willing to really dig into his explosive anger issues and the negative effects that has on his brother and Jin Guangyao (and Lan Xichen tbqh).

[she-is-healthy]

I hate alcohol.

(TW: addiction, religious trauma)

The first four shots feel so good. The first starts the buzz, the second makes you relax, the third gets you drunk, and the fourth helps you forget why you were upset in the first place.

But an hour later, you're tired, your head hurts, and your stomach feels like shit. But for some reason you think "hey, maybe one more will feel good again" and of course, that's stupid and not how it works.

I want to stop drinking, but all of these fucking support programs are always religious. If God were real, I wouldn't feel the need to drink. The world fucking sucks, and if the big man is real and has the power to fix it and DOESN'T, he's a fucking selfish asshole and so is anyone who believes in him and accepts/supports this idea.

I spent my whole life believing in that bullshit and thinking/being told that praying hard enough would help me, and I was delusional enough to ever think it did. I'm the only one who has ever helped me. I grew up never feeling good enough, always an inherent sinner who was undeserving of anything and that I was "lucky" that anyone, God included, loved me. The fact that it's so hard to find non-religious sobriety groups feels like mockery, a giant fucking slap in the face because of that religious trauma. Religion, Christianity in particular, makes me so fucking mad now and it's the LAST fucking thing I need when I'm looking for actual, REAL help. Miss me with the fucking weaponized, guilt-tripping fairytales.

I'm just pissed at myself.

I ate a lot today, no binges but definitely overeating and I'm so upset. I hate that my relationship with food is so fucking broken. I don't want to depend on alcohol, weed, food, anything like that. I just want to be happy naturally.

[birdhcuse]

i wish i could take the pain away. - (Nicolau @ Teagan - prolly looking out at all the People because my artistic boi is deep like that)

{¤} It'd been a rough day for Teagan. A few of their freelance gigs were seaside and they really couldn't afford to decline any of them. An entitled mother of the bride nearly knocked them off the pier at an oceanside wedding they were being severely underpaid to capture on video, they had to work at a dunk tank for a family fair, and they had to dance in a demeaning fish costume to advertise a seafood place. None of these gigs would even be up for consideration if Teagan had the choice, but requests have been slow and beggars can't be choosers.

If the fairgoers weren't so woefully incompetent at hitting the target, Teagan would've reached their breaking point by noon.

Luckily, Nicolau happened to stop by Teagan's apartment just after they'd changed out of that god damn fish suit. The smell of the ocean still clings to their feathers, hastily covered up by cheap cologne. Washing it out completely would require a shower and Teagan already had enough exposure to water for one day.

Teagan snaps out of their daze upon hearing Nicolau's words, turning to look at him in surprise before they realize who Nicolau was actually referring to.

Oh. Right. The people.

How stupid of Teagan to think Nicolau could be referring to them...

It'd be much easier to stomach if Teagan's faith in other people wasn't thoroughly tested today. All they can think about is how Nicolau seems to care about all these undeserving strangers more than he cares about them. A pang of guilt shoots through them the second the thought slips into their mind. How dare Teagan be so selfish as to crave comfort think their problems deserve more attention than all of the people suffering below.

Maybe Nicolau would care about Teagan's pain if they weren't so insistent on hiding any trace of it.

'Stop it, Teagan! Nicolau is going to think you're an asshole if you don't give him a good enough response...'

Letting out a deep sigh, Teagan forces themselves to get into a better head-space. It's not as though they disagree with the sentiment—the work they do for the cooperative and freelance gigs they take on are in the service of making the world a happier place.

...just would be nice if they weren't made miserable in the process.

"It can be hard to believe your actions have an impact when the system is built to suck out people's souls in the name of making a profit, but they do." Teagan muses, "Your murals might be the highlight of someone's commute to work, the spark that lights the flame of inspiration in a young artist, a conversation starter that leads into a lasting relationship. It might not be the rallying cry of revolution you're hoping for, but it still matters. Any scrap of joy is meaningful in this chaotic world."

Teagan allows themselves to stare at Nicolau while they think he isn't looking, deep red eyes unwittingly betraying warmth. His long hair blowing in the breeze of the open window almost makes him look like the love interest in those corny romance novels and his bright feathers are visually striking, but the real draw is his brown eyes. Whenever they look into the chocolatey depths, it's like returning to the home they never had. Teagan could let themselves get lost in his eyes (well, eye) all day...but they won't. Best not to risk driving Nicolau away by acting like a lovesick buffoon.

When Teagan feels like they've been staring for too long, they shift their focus back to the window. It's alright...they can just steal glances at Nicolau through the corner of their eye.

"What've you been working on lately? Any big projects?" {¤}

[rehkkuma]

she's all yours | okuyasu x reader

summary: unlike his partner in crime, Okuyasu lacked experience in the dating field. Once he believes that he may have a chance with his crush, his best friend begins to get in the way.

words: 1.8k

disclaimers/tags: fem pronouns, modern AU (basically just phones being involved), tiny bit of angst, fluff, and cursing.

He was staring again. The poor 16-year-old boy couldn't help but notice every single detail about her: the slight tilt in her walk whenever she went up the stairs, how she would tie her shoes, and the unfortunate glint of light in her eyes whenever she spoke with his best friend.

Y/n L/n was someone extremely special to him (whether she knew it or not). She could read his expressions so clearly, sometimes knowing more about Okuyasu than Okuyasu did himself. The emotions he couldn't quite put his finger on, she always had an answer to. At times, he felt undeserving of the friendship he had with her. After coming to terms with his developing feelings for the girl, of course she began to get closer with his best friend.

He was painfully aware of the difference in treatment he received compared to Josuke. While Josuke could be referenced as Morioh's pretty-boy delinquent, Okuyasu was more like the intimidating ruffian that stood by his side. Obviously, Y/n did not think of Okuyasu in that way, but her perception of him didn't matter if he was considered nothing more than a friend.

"Hey," Josuke called out, concerned for his friend.

"Y-Yeah?" Okuyasu stuttered, trying to regain his thoughts.

"Whatcha lookin' at?"

Okuyasu silently thanked Y/n for standing in a crowd with other students. If she stood any further from the school's front entrance, it would've been easy for Josuke to pinpoint who he was eyeing.

"Nothing, really. Just thought I saw a cute girl."

Josuke shrugged his shoulders, repositioning himself so his back laid more comfortably against the tree. "Well, if you do see one, ask 'em out or somethin'. I wanna see you have your first kiss before we graduate," he chuckled.

"Mhm, yup," Okuyasu responded, eyes now glued to the grass he was sitting on. He was about to spew out a self-deprecating joke but stopped himself once he noticed Y/n approaching the two of them. Immediately, he recognized Josuke's energy shift from disinterest to eagerness.

"Y/n!" Josuke cheerfully said, waving at the girl.

"Hi, you two!" she waved back. Once coming close enough, she sat down along with the boys, her knees lacing together in a criss-cross position. Because of the short distance between her and Okuyasu, the boy could smell the flowery essence emitting off of her body. He wasn't too fond of fragrances, but the one Y/n had was light and sweet-- perfectly suiting her personality.

Before he knew it, Okuyasu was staring again. The only thing that got him to snap back into reality was the cry of laughter Y/n let out after Josuke made a funny remark.

"Did you hear that Okuyasu?" Y/n choked out, leaning back with both hands on her stomach.

"Y-Yeah." Okuyasu fake laughed, really having no clue what the hell was going on.

"God," Y/n sighed as she wiped off the faint tears forming in her eyes. "I wish I could hang out with you guys a bit longer, but I just wanted to drop by and say hi. I gotta help out with some chores tonight."

"It's all good," Josuke smiled. "But only if you promise to call me tonight."

The girl rolled her eyes while getting up from the ground. "We'll have to see about that, Jojo!" She then stuck her tongue out before scurrying off to her house.

Josuke chuckled, slowly placing his chin on the palm of his hand. "She's pretty cute, isn't she?" he said, eyes glued to the girl's figure in the distance.

"Yeah, she sure is."

* * *

Okuyasu could remember the first time he met her as clear as day: his hands were tucked deep into his pockets, feet dragging along the sidewalk while he was on his way to school. Unlike his regular routine, Josuke was unable to walk with him due to an argument breaking out between him and his mother. It seemed like a bummer at the moment, but maybe it was actually a blessing in disguise.

"Fuck!"

In front of Okuyasu's feet laid a girl. Her uniform was stained with a bright red juice and its can rolled next to her. He didn't recall exactly what happened, but he did feel someone's face hit his chest before hearing a thud.

"I didn't get any on you, did I?" the girl asked with panic.

Okuyasu, hands still in his pockets, shook his head. "Mnn. Don't think you did."

"Okay, thank God. These stains are so hard to get rid of."

That was one of the first things that Okuyasu remembered from Y/n. Her casual way of talking was enough to make any stranger feel like a good friend. Something about this girl piqued his interest.

"Guess it's not your first time, huh?" he hummed.

"You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the third time."

After the small accident, Okuyasu took the girl to the laundromat. Classes would begin in any minute, but neither one of the pair minded skipping it.

"Oi, what're you gonna be wearin' in the meantime? Don'tcha think the teacher's gonna kick your ass for showing up like that?" Okuyasu pointed at the revealing tank top she wore.

"Yeah, definitely. That's why you should totally let me borrow your top," she winked.

"Don't get too ahead of yourself. I don't even have a clue on what your name is."

"L/n." she replied crassly. "It's Y/n L/n."

That was several months ago. Since then, their relationship started to significantly grow. From sending short texts to sharing a few inside jokes, to hanging out every other day after school. In Okuyasu's eyes, it was inevitable for him to fall for a girl like her.

Right before he could spill about his crush to his best friend, Josuke had already introduced himself to her. It crushed Okuyasu to see the girl he loves slowly start to move on from him-- to his own best friend nevertheless.

All of his frustrations were best to be kept to himself. No way could he express his jealousy to Josuke or Y/n. Out of all the girls that fawned over Josuke, why did she have to be one of them?

**Brring**

Okuyasu rolled his body to the other side of his bed. On a nightstand was his phone that rang. The alarm was just loud enough to break through the pessimistic thoughts roaring through his brain.

"Who's this?" he asked, too lazy to check the contact number.

"It's me, Okuyasu! Why, is it that hard to use a second of your time to check the contact name?"

He recognized that voice anywhere. It was her.

"Aw, look. I was in bed, alright?" he smiled, feeling his mood change immediately after speaking with her.

A small giggle echoed from the other end of the phone. "Alright! I wasn't here to nag you all night anyways." The girl then cleared her throat with a cough before soon speaking again. "I was thinking we should hang out tomorrow. For ice cream, maybe. Just us."

Small butterflies began to form in his stomach from hearing the last sentence. "Just us" had never sounded better.

"Sounds good to me."

"Great!" she nearly interrupted. "A-Ah, sorry! I just got excited. It feels like we've been parting ways the past couple of weeks, but I promise tomorrow's gonna make up for it!"

"It's alright," Okuyasu sighed. "See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow!" she repeated.

* * *

Was it just Okuyasu or did she look way cuter today? The makeup she wore differed from the one she usually had on, her accessories managed to compliment her eyes even more, and she even put an effort into customizing her uniform like Josuke and Okuyasu despite expressing her laziness multiple times. She looked like an absolute doll.

"Hmph." She huffed. "You've been doing that a lot lately," she said flatly.

"Doing what?"

"Staring at me like I'm some crazy person."

Okuyasu internally panicked for a few seconds but composed himself. "You just look pretty lately, that's all."

He expected a cheeky comeback in return but was left with a bashful smile from her instead.

"Let's just hurry up and get ice cream..." she said, eyes faced to the ground.

Okuyasu nodded at her suggestion and began to walk, making sure his pace wasn't too fast for Y/n. He'd occasionally give a glance at her direction to know if he was walking at a comfortable speed for her.

Several minutes of walking and a few casual conversations later, the duo made it to the ice cream shop. Y/n ordered a mix of her two favourite flavours while Okuyasu ordered two scoops of mocha almond fudge. Feeling a bit more gentleman-like today, Okuyasu insisted on paying for the both of them.

"Thanks for the ice cream!" the girl said, taking a small lick of the cone. "I feel like the more I hang out with you, the more things I owe you back," she chuckled as the two left the shop.

"Don't sweat it. Hangin' out with you's enough for me." Okuyasu smiled.

"Ah, really?" she blushed. "That's... really sweet of you."

There she did it again. No witty comeback. Just a flustered reply.

"Somethin' up with you? Eat something bad today?" he asked.

"Hm?"

"You're just actin' a bit different, that's all. Not sayin' it's bad though. I kinda like it." Okuyasu continued to walk on the sidewalk but stopped once he realized Y/n was frozen still. "Hey, you comin'?"

Y/n began to slowly jog her way to Okuyasu. When she caught up with him, she paused once more, now looking into the young boy's eyes. "I feel like you don't hear yourself talk sometimes," she said. "I can't tell if you're flirting or you're just naturally this oblivious."

He didn't know how to respond. He was starting to get nervous from how close their faces were. If he wanted to, he could practically count each beauty mark on her face.

"Well?" she said.

"Well..." Okuyasu tried to come up with something but found himself paying more attention to the girl's lips. They looked plush and soft with a slight glossy coat from the ice cream.

Eventually, the girl noticed where he was looking at. Slowly, she closed the already small gap between the two.

"Okuyasu," she breathed out with a gentle tone. "I really like you."

"I-" he stuttered. "Not Josuke?"

"Josuke?" She covered her mouth with the back of her hand and chuckled. "I don't know what you think is going on between us, but it's not that. He's not exactly my type either."

Okuyasu couldn't believe what he was hearing. Before he could say anything back, he felt her lips against his right cheek. It was a delicate kiss. Maybe a bit sticky, but it made his heart do several backflips nevertheless.

Once her lips left his skin, she stood awkwardly in front of him. The way she looked up at his eyes with that lovestruck gaze made Okuyasu realize something he didn't before: he wouldn't need to jealous of other guys. It was clear that Y/n L/n was all his.

[insomniacowl]

Neon genesis Evangelion Analysis Chapter 23: Katsuragi Misato Part 2 Dear Shinji, this is my will.

Misato: So you don't want to meet your dad?

Just like me

Let us start from the beginning. The scene in the first episode where Misato drives down to meet Shinji. Her first words to him were, "Sorry, I made you wait." This, I believe, is the first of many times their interactions will revolve around the theme of "Waiting." The line also contrasts with her final words to Shinji, "Let's continue when you get back."

Her cross is first brought to our attention through Shinji's eyes as Misato shields him from the blast of explosions from the Self-defense force's missiles used against Sakiel. Then, on their way to NERV, Shinji confides to her about his feelings towards Gendou. Misato empathizes, saying, "You're just like me," pointing to their commonalities.

She later consoles Shinji as he refuses to pilot Eva-01 and tells him to "Not run away from himself." At this point, she was already seeing herself reflected in Shinji, and those words were meant for herself as well.

After this point, Misato constantly finds herself reflected on Shinji. While it has a positive influence, like in episode 1, it also frequently caused Shinji to hurt. One criticism viewers lay on Misato is the sarcastic tone she sometimes takes when talking to Shinji about his actions. "You don't want to pilot the Eva? With that kind of determination…. What a pain!", Is one of the harsh words directed at Shinji. Even in episode 12, her cold reaction to Shinji's contemplation regarding Asuka is also, in its own way, infamous.

Yet, if we consider that she sees a lot of herself in Shinji, those lines come to represent her self-contempt rather than how she sees the fourteen-year-old. Misato was not really in the position to take care of teenagers if we consider her character flaws.

While such actions are worthy of criticism, there is room to empathize considering the traumas she had to endure, which has shaped the kind of "Adult" she became. As a young child, she was in the center of the Second Impact, and the psychological impact has led to her being mute for a few years. However, she seemed to have eventually recovered. Perhaps to compensate, we are told that she became an overly happy and talkative person. On top of this, she has studied hard and become a student at the Second-Tokyo city University. She met and began living with Kaji in the year 2005, at the age of twenty. According to Ritsuko, she even had a week-long sex marathon with Kaji, where neither of them left the house during the period.

To elaborate on her constant need for physical pleasure, we can start from the glimpse of her inner monologue we get during the instrumentality. We learn that it was one of the few things she had control over that made her feel alive when she was intimate with Kaji. Yet she breaks up with him because She saw a glimpse of her father reflected in him, although that was what got her attracted to him in the first place.

What are you embarrassed about? You wanted the man you love to see you for who you were. NO!

I wonder about that. You wanted your father to see you for who you were. That's not true!

We can identify Misato as struggling with Electra Complex (Oedipus Complex for girls) regarding how she views her father. She then attempted to quench the thirst for affection her father failed to provide her from a different man who felt similar to him. This can be observed through Kaji and Shinji. Two people sharing the same character flaws as her father (Workaholic and being bad at human interaction) being the two people she opened herself up to (Mentally, emotionally, and sexually). Misato was hoping to compensate for the loss she suffered and recover from her past trauma using her relationship with these two.

Consciously or unconsciously, she likely understood this side of herself. She felt disgusted by herself, leading to her breaking up with Kaji while punishing and labeling herself as someone "Undeserving to love." While her relationship with Kaji was open and overtly described in the series, some of you might wonder how Shinji is involved in this process. Especially regarding the sexual aspect of this analysis.

We can definitively say that Misato and Shinji do not share a simple Guardianship relation. But the discussion about Misato and Shinji can wait for now. First, let us discuss Hyuga Makoto.

Hyuga is seen approaching Misato as more than just a direct superior at work (Especially after Kaji's death). "Only if it's with you (I don't mind dying from the base self-destructing)." It is a telling line that highlights Hyuga's feelings that he begins acting on in the latter part of the series. Turning him into a more dimensional character. While Misato seems to be aware of such advances, we never see her acting on it. Neither accepting nor rejecting him outright. Since this is at the low point of her emotional journey, Misato would have been okay with anyone. Thus, it makes us wonder if there could have been more intimacy between the two off-screen. I'd argue that Hyuga died a virgin (or at least that there was no sexual relationship between the two) based on Hyuga's fantasy during the instrumentality.

To bring our discussion back to Kaji, we are shown that he was the first man she trusted and gave her first intimacy to. At the same time, she was someone Kaji was able to trust and be vulnerable with. We never see either of them refer to each other by their names. While the reason is not depicted, we can make an educated guess and say that it stems from their determination to interact professionally. Without letting their (embarrassing) past hinder their work.

But perhaps it was destined that this guise was not meant to be. In episode 15, we see the two confide in each other. Misato laments about her father and her regret of not being a good lover for Kaji. Kaji embraces and accepts her of it. The last time they ever shared a bed, Kaji gives her his final present. His death led to Misato shedding many tears, but the present helped guide her to her next step. Before this point, we see her constantly drinking her favorite beer, but never after this event. All we see her drink from then on is canned coffee, Kaji's favorite drink. And now, two peoples' worth of "Will" lived on inside her. One from her father, the other from Kaji.

Now, let's discuss the last "Male" in her life: Shinji. As mentioned earlier, Shinji was more than just a child under her care. Shinji's first introduction of Misato was through her photo that she sent him. It is a revealing photo of herself with arrows drawing attention to her breast. As a side note, the actual words in this image were written by Anno himself, and the lipstick mark was from one of the female Gainax staff.

From the photo, we can see that Misato wants Shinji to see her as more than a potential caretaker (as ethically should), but as someone of opposite gender and a "potential" love interest. Although, of course, we can brush it aside as a part of her quirky and fun-loving attitude. But the problem arises in the latter part of the series where this attitude crosses the line. The suspicion is confirmed in the official pamphlet's character introduction describing her as Shinji's family + co-worker + superior + "lover."

Misato: Shinji, I'm going in. This is about all I can do for you right now.

Shinji: No!

The scene central to this discussion happens in episode 23 when she takes her seat next to Shinji, who is grieving the death of Second Rei on his bed. Although surface-level reading is, Misato wants to hold his hands to comfort him. If that is the case, the line "This is all I can do for you right now" is unnecessary. And not only that, but Shinji's rejection of this advance is also too strong to justify the conclusion of the surface level analysis. If anything comes to mind about an act that two grown-up adults do on the bed is "Sex."

Even if we try to give the benefit of the doubt and stay at the surface-level conclusion that is psychologically comfortable, this is Evangelion. It refuses psychological comfort. The film book released by Gainax has a note about this scene that says, "Misato is attempting to give Shinji her body." This is even alluded to in the shot right before the line, the head of the chair being where Shinji's Penis would be, and Misato coming to sit right on top of it.

Throughout the series, both Misato and Asuka approach Shinji as the "Other sex." it's natural for Asuka since they are the same age. However, it is unnatural to think of Misato (Who is twice his age) approaching Shinji sexually (neither should be accepted). So let's dive into how Misato might think about that. As early as episode 2, we are shown Misato yelling at Ritsuko through the phone, saying, "There is no way I will lay my hands on a boy!". This is perhaps foreshadowing what she will be doing in the later part of the series. So what changed in her throughout the series that she would end up trying to lay her hands on Shinji sexually. Did she genuinely believe that it was the only way she can console Shinji? Or perhaps there was a more selfish reason, to distract herself from the sadness of losing Kaji? Well, it could be both. There is a middle ground and an explanation that I prefer. Kaji was the only man she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Because the best means of communication between the two have been sexual, she most likely believed this to be the most effective way to empathize and be vulnerable with Shinji.

We can see this as another manifestation of her Electra complex if we consider that Shinji also reminds her of her father.

As many of you are aware, Evangelion borrows concepts from psychology and is strongly influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis. Psychological terms are heavily used, especially in later episodes. The characters' internal conflicts are put into the spotlight in episodes 18, 19, and 20. All these episodes use terms from psychoanalysis for their title. Let me touch on each of them briefly over here. Episode 18's title is "Ambivalence." It refers to the coexistence of two conflicting emotions (Love and hate) regarding something and was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1911. Freud borrowed this term in his analysis. His followers believed it to be an essential state that leads to the sadistic sub-phase of development. Episode 18 is also when the dummy-controlled Eva Unit-01 destroys Bardiel. Thus the title can also help us understand the Destrudo-led sadistic destruction of the dummy program.

Episode 19's title is "Introjection" and was a term heavily used by Freud. It is the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others and a psychological defensive mechanism used by the ego to minimize anxiety. Almost every human being goes through this phase and is a part of healthy development as an individual. Episode 19 is when Shinji emits a strong dose of Destrudo and achieves a 400% synchronization rate. Here, we can try to explain the use of this term for the episode title in two ways. The first is to refer to the synchronization process of the pilot and the Evangelion. Secondly (and more specifically to the episode), to refer to Shinji becoming an individual that has become a part of Unit-01. Becoming a part of Unit-01 who have just absorbed the S2 engine and become as though god.

Last is episode 20, titled "Oral stage," and is the stage central to Freud's theory of Libido's development. Libido is the potential sexual energy, and Freud categorized the development into four distinct stages, starting with the oral stage. During this stage of development, the child clings onto its mother's breast for nourishment. This is also when the child begins to develop the ability to distinguish between themselves and the other. The significant happening of episode 20 is salvaging Shinji from Unit-01's Core, trying to bring Shinji back as an individual and away from the comfort of his mother. This can be seen to parallel the child leaving its mother's womb and coming to be born into its own person. And to add, they had to inject Libido into the Core to salvage him.

To return from our long detour, Evangelion is a series that heavily draws its conceptual inspiration from Psychology and Freudian psychoanalysis. What Freud posits, and perhaps most central to his scholarship, understands that desires created by both Libido and Destrudo, any forms of mental energy are irresistible and irrepressible. That is to say, if during one's development if any of such mental energies' expressions are disturbed and blocked off, it will results in the development of harmful coping mechanisms as an adult. In the case of Misato, her father's absence resulted in the absence of ways to healthily release her Libido. Therefore, Misato's inappropriate advance towards Shinji could manifested the harmful coping mechanism she developed as a child.

Losing her father as a child resulted in dysregulation in Libido. Losing Kaji, the only person she truly loved, left Masato broken. At this point, she had no other way to release her desires other than laying hands on a vulnerable child. When both Shinji and Penpen refused her the physical affection she needed, she could only find comfort in listening to Kaji's final voice message in repeat. Yet, she did not lose all possibility to recover. She was able to dry out her tears and began to follow the road her father once took. This leads her to analyze the evidence Kaji passes onto her and begins questioning the truth behind Rei. By the end, she manages to reach close enough to understand the "Truth." This is how she was able to explain to Shinji what was going on. She also experiences character growth through this process, becoming able to fully understand and empathize with the pain of others.

This is also when we see her starting to differ from Asuka. While both lost Kaji, whom they both loved, Misato comes to accept this loss and can carry herself as an adult. By the end, she was mature enough to send the grieving Shinji to Unit-01 during the End of Evangelion. While Misato has always convinced Shinji to get on the Eva, now, she was different from the past. Unlike in episode 4, where she emotionally manipulated Shinji into piloting Eva. Unlike episode 12, where she drew a hard line and coldly forced him. In EOE, she was no longer forcing Shinji out of her own hatred of the angels. All there was, was a grown adult's desire to convince a child that "Life is worth living." Even if she were to die during this process. All there was, was Misato's advice as an adult to the crying child. And it was this "will to live" that was passed on from Misato to Shinji.

Misato places her necklace on Shinji's hands and wraps his hands around it. Just as how she once held onto it while facing death in its face. Her father's memento. The love towards one's family. Hope for humanity. And all else that the cross symbolized. And the cross passed on from Misato to Shinji like the passing of the torch. To pass on the will to live. This was followed by a grown-up's kiss, just like how Kaji showed her, the perfect way to, perhaps the only way to fully communicate this will and pass it on. To want the other to continue living and hoping to live on as a part of their memory.

With the kiss, Misato stopped pretending to be Shinji's inept guardian.

She sent Shinji off, hoping that he could become a grown-up who can stand by himself.

Misato: You will be alone from this point on. You need to choose for yourself.

Shinji: No. I can't.

Misato: Crying isn't going to solve anything, either!

Misato: You hate yourself, don't you? That's why you hurt others. Deep down, you know that you suffer more when you cause someone else pain than if you just let yourself get hurt. But Shinji, that was your decision, so that makes it a valid choice. That's what you wanted, so that makes it worthwhile, Stop lying to yourself, and realize that you do have options. Then accept the choices that you made.

Shinji: But you're not me. You don't understand!

Misato: So what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean it's okay for you to give up! If you do, I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live.

Misato: I'm not perfect either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later, I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again. A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself.

Please, Shinji. You've got to pilot Eva and settle this once and for all. Find out why you came here. Why you exist at all.

And when you've found your answers, come back to me. Promise me. See you soon.

Kaji: Go and do what you can. No one will force that choice on you. Think for yourself and decide for yourself. GO and do what you must right now. So that you don't live to regret it.

Misato: If I had known it would end like this, I would have changed the carpet as Asuka suggested.

Many discussions about Eva centered around her last words, the one about the Carpet and Asuka. Most of the theories have interpreted it with the spilled coffee during the instrumentality scene. I'll touch on the scenes shown in instrumentality in future chapters. But for the discussion here, note that the coffee was not spilled on the carpet during the instrumentality scenes. So I'd instead interpret this line separately from it. Personally, I believe this to be Misato, as an adult, regretting not being as kind and compassionate as she could have been to Asuka.

Unlike Shinji, who she managed to pass on her will and true feelings, she did not have that privilege with Asuka. Instead, she wallowed in her sadness, not looking out for Asuka, who was herself suffering from traumas and grief. The regret of not being a good guardian and not making the home comfortable for Asuka would have hit her as waves of regret crashed in as she laid bleeding cold on the floor of section R-20.

After Shinji, who she just sent off, Asuka, who she feels sorry for, After Penpen, who was always there for her, Kaji now crosses her mind. Was she waiting for his praise for passing on his will to Shinji?

As though she can see him, she stares at the sky. Right before the explosion, we see Rei standing over her. Perhaps it was Lilith who traveled through time.

And we come to the final scene of the EoE. Shinji and Asuka are lying down on the shore, staring at the sky. At this moment, we are reminded of Misato through the cross, now nailed to a wooden post. The cross has come to symbolize Misato's hope and dreams for the two children who will now be growing up into two adults. Will Misato be able to revert back to her human form by her soul desiring it? Nobody knows. But I don't think that matters. Because now, Shinji carries on her will.

Let's continue when you get back.

I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome Shinji, this is your new home.

I'm back.

Welcome back!

Sorry, made you wait!

TBC Chapter 24: Ritsuko Part 1 Mother and Daughter

[canonicallyobserving911]

100% agree with not wanting buck to talk to temu about The Will! 📢📢📢

It would give temu and bommy relationship a significance and focus that is unearned and undeserved and I simply don't want him to have! Same reason i wouldn't want temu to get killed off, and i don't want them to break up over the issue of wanting/not wanting to have kids 🙄 i don't want bommy to be anywhere near having that kind of conversation

Ajfjgkdksk i swear, if they confirmed in canon that temu was trying to date eddie and just settled for buck 😂😂😂 i would never ask for anything more in life lol so unfortunately it's not going to happen. But OH it would be so satisfying!

As it seems they're not going to address temu's past, I'd be happy if they broke up for some really superficial shallow reason, which would just underscore how insignificant and tenuous the relationship actually is.

Good day @blutterlie and thank you for the ask.

[Link to my original post here.]

You're correct and I agree with your assessment because Buck and Temu talking about Eddie's will and it being a reason for them breaking up would give the "Bummy" relationship too much of everything. It would be like you said, both undeserved and unearned and IMO, T*mmy isn't a significant enough side character to be included in that intimate part of Eddie's and Buck's relationship.

Case and point, Eddie's NEVER told anyone on screen other than Buck that he added him to his will as Chris' legal guardian but he didn't tell either of his two on screen love interests. He never told Ana and he never told Marisol. Also, Buck never told Taylor or Natalia so why would he tell T-Rex? He shouldn't because he doesn't deserve to know. T*mmy's a plot device just like all the others which makes him that much more insignificant.

Furthermore, Buck hasn't told Maddie, his own sister and he hasn't told Bobby either. I know a lot of fanfic writers indulge and include Eddie telling Bobby in their fics for emergency purposes but that's not CANON, it's FANON. Do I suspect the 118 knows how important Chris is to Buck? YES! The shooting is evident of that since no one, not even Bobby questioned Buck being the one to tell Chris what happened even though Eddie was dating Ana at the time. But I don't think they know Buck's in Eddie's will and I don't think the Diaz parents know either. Isabel might know and I believe that's because Eddie's close to his abuela but I don't think anyone else does. Also, KR stating Chris knows about "the will" doesn't make narrative sense because if he did, he would have called Buck when he was upset with Eddie instead of his grandparents like he did in season 4. Actually, he ordered an Uber with Eddie's phone and ran away to Buck's loft and that was before Eddie was shot.

As far as the breakup of Buck and Tonsilitis is concerned, I WANT T*MMY TO ADMIT HE TRIED TO DATE EDDIE FIRST TOO! It's my villain origin story because it would highlight how ridiculous the writing was handled last season. I know it won't happen either but it would be so fantastic. I wrote a fanfic about it, it felt great and I also let Eddie tell Buck he deserved better than a dismissive asshat who doesn't listen to him and who only wants him for his body.

I'm sure the writers won't go there because they don't want to defame Tonka Toy's character but they sure didn't have a problem letting him be complicit when Gerrard's 100-year-old ass was saying racist and bigoted comments to Hen and Chimney.

At this point, I don't care how and why they break up, I just want T.K. 2.0 GONE ASAP and I don't want Buck getting advice from someone telling him to stick it out🙄. It's time for Buck to be single so he can figure out he was trying to get Eddie's attention this whole time and not T-Rex's. There's no more time for doubling down on the ridiculousness of these one dimensional and lackluster relationships for Buck or Eddie.

As always, thank you for the ask and have a great day.

[schnees-and-schnugs]

PJO for fandom meme? :3c

Okay I don't remember much about the PJO books BUT I do remember HOO very well so-

The first character I ever fell in love with:

Jason Grace my beloved. I love him so much. I actually read The Last Hero before I read the OG Percy Jackson books, so he was the first demigod I actually got to know first alongside Piper and Leo. He got a lot of undeserved hate, which I'll never forgive the fandom for tbh :/

A character I used to love, but now do not like:

Both Leo and Calypso. From my memory, Calypso was much more... Tame? In the PJO books? In HOO she is just? An asshole? Especially towards Leo, her love interest? Idk. Leo just became whiney after a while. I understand he has issues with loneliness and I loved it! But Richard then solved that by putting him in an honestly forced relationship with calypso without actually addressing the source of Leo's insecurities.

A ship that I used to love, but now do not:

I can't really think of anything. Jasiper perhaps? Tbh I don't think there was ever a time I was super into it but looking back at it, I like it much less now.

My ultimate favorite character:

Jason grace!!!! As usual!!!! I love him!!!

Prettiest character:

Piper I think is canonically very beautiful being the daughter of Aphrodite but fanart of Hazel make her so gorgeous I love it.

My most hated character:

Octavian. Not because he's canonically a bad dude (which he is) it's just he's not fleshed out enough and it's kind of insulting to me tbh.

also will solice, I can't stand that piece of white bread inserted into the narrative just to be Nico's bf.

My otp:

JASICO

Jason and Nico should have ended up together. period. Jason, being in a forced and dry straight relationship (which they would break up anyways later on canoncally because of those exact same reasons) and him not being able to choose between the camps shouldn't have been a clear allegory to him being a closeted bisexual, Richard I will hunt you down-

Even though Nico's outing scene wasn't ideal at all for him, Jason still showed him support and understanding!!!! And the chalice scene!! The chalice scene!!!!!! Fuck. Orpheus and Eurydice is the perfect JASICO SUBPLOT-

My NOTP:

Solangelo, jasiper, caleo. Get that away from me Rick.

Favorite episode/favorite season/favorite book:

Well my fav book in the series specifically has got to be House of Hades. Idk, I just remember it being pretty iconic. I think that has got to be the one where annabeth and Percy were in Tartarus but I may be wrong.

Saddest death:

Sorry, Jason, sorryyyyyyyyyy I can't deal. I literally cried on the bus going to high school when I read that book. I can't.

Least favorite book:

I don't necessarily dislike Blood of Olympus I just don't remember much of it LMAO. I so remember when Jason confronted his mothers ghost tho, that was iconic.

Character that everyone in the fandom loves but I hate:

Will solace. Why is he even here.

My 'youre a piece of trash but you're still my fave' fave:

Going wayyyyy back for this... Luke. Man made some POINTS.

My 'youre a beautiful cinnamon roll who deserved better than this' fave:

*sigh* Jason didn't deserve to die alone.

My nasty wrong ship:

Jercy 😳

They're kinda cute ship:

Valangelo and Theyna! They're both rlly adorable.

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

MONICA YOU LOVED MANIC TOO??!?!? I'm overjoyed because I've only spoken to one (1) other person who really loved it & I feel so relieved, somehow, that you love it since you're the BEST OF US and what YOU love always gets right to the heart of a thing or a story. ANYWAY. Finally // and I Hate Everybody are my absolute favorites, and don't you think this album is like Ashley's version of Lover??? it's her most honest, and maybe lowest but also sweetest and steadiest album. I'M IN LOVE

YES YES YES YES YES I AM SOOO EXCITED YOU LOVE IT WILL YOU BE MY MANIC BUDDY *SINGS IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND WHO LOVES HALSEY*

also thank you sincerely and seriously so much for the glowing shoutout

#WONDER WOMAN SPEAKS MY HEART AND ALSO THIS IS SURPRISINGLY (?) RELEVANT TO THE ONCOMING STORM OF AN ESSAY

before I go any further I want to inform you I am drinking hot chocolate and Bailey’s out of my Batman/Catwoman mug and I still have Christmas lights up. This is not relevant to the following essay but I just thought you should know

I should start the essay shouldn’t I

First of all, I LOVE what you say about this being Ashley’s version of Lover. Both are a...finding of self, more or less complete. This isn’t to say that Taylor’s journey is over—she still has a lot of life and song left to fight through and to enjoy—but by the last words of “Daylight,” it seems to me that through all her struggles, she has finally discovered how to be gentle with herself and how to light her world.

I want to be defined by the things I love,

Not the things I hate

Not the things I am afraid of, I’m afraid of,

The things that haunt me in the middle of the

night, I

I just think that you are what you love.

In Lover, through Lover, by Lover, Taylor is whole again in her soul, and being thus whole and free, her future is quietly hopeful—even in the reality of the sorrowful “Soon You’ll Get Better” (which I still cannot listen to because it wounds my heart). I cannot imagine what she will do next, for she has the most expansive possibilities ahead of her.

Going back to Ashley, or Halsey, well, I can say nothing so clear about Manic other than that it aches. It aches because the whole thing is a confession. It is a spilling out of herself, all her hurts and frustrations and failures and most importantly the confusion of it all that lasts till this day and may last many more. Somehow, somewhere, in all this mess, I feel that by the end of the album, Ashley has found a grain of peace. She is still searching, still longing for things she maybe doesn’t even understand, but she understands herself, and, I hope, understands in a small way that it is okay to be in a state of longing and aching and messing up and trying again.

I’m sleepy so I’m not sure I am being coherent or cohesive, forgive me. I’m just going to say a few things about my favorite songs!

“Ashley.” So this wasn’t the first song I listened to, because of the singles released earlier. But how powerful is it that Halsey opens up with her name? There is nothing I like better than an album that tells a story (surprise!) and the instant I saw the track listing, I was shook.

Seems like now it's impossible to work this outI'm so committed to an old ghost townIs it really that strange if I always wanna change?And if only the time and space between us wasn't lonelyI'd disintegrate into a thousand piecesI think I'm making a mistakeBut if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?

This verse—I don’t know if it is just where I am in my own life, but really, who hasn’t felt this strange rending of desires in some capacity. Cling to the past? Leap toward the unknown? I want to live near my parents forever, and see my mom every Sunday like I have for years now. I want to live in a foreign country, or even out near my old college, or heck even live in a city for year or six months, just because it would be an Experience. (Couldn’t live there indefinitely, not this girl who loves endless trees and hills and warm summer night country roads and rustling corn.)

How do we know what to do? How do we decide? What if we get left alone, with no one to comfort and support us? What if we cannot handle the consequences of our choices?

Apart from my beating heartIt's a muscle but it's still not strong enoughTo carry the weight of the choices I've madeI told you I'd ride this outIt's getting harder every day somehowI'm bursting out of myself

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT IT! I DARE YOU TO SAY THIS IS NOT A UNIVERSAL EMOTION. THIS IS WHAT THE ALBUM WILL BE ABOUT SO IF YOU CANNOT OPEN YOUR HEART AND BE PREPARED TO FEEL EMPATHY AND COMPASSION FOR THE YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS ABOUT TO SPILL HER GUTS TO YOU THEN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

Ahem, I’m sorry, please stay, I don’t actually want you to go. Just sit down and I’ll give you your own hot chocolate. But listen. Ashley is, before anything, a human being. Therefore, she is going to mess up, just the same as any of us, maybe more, maybe less, but that is never going to take away a speck of her intrinsic worth, or the way that God loves her. Her struggles will not obliterate her humanity, but if I ignore her sorrows, her need for something more, her brilliance and strength and longing to love, then I would nigh obliterate my own.

Also, can I just say she has gone through some REALLY hard things in her life, things I couldn’t imagine, and for her to be where she is now—I just want the best for her. Do I agree with everything she does or believes? No. Is my life at all similar to hers? Not really. But I still feel a kinship with her, and it bleeds through in her music.

This is getting away from me isn’t it. I’m just trying to say that Manic struck a chord in my heart that has been reverberating ever since I first perceived it.

Oh gosh it is 12:30, I have to be up at 6. I’m going to fly through a few other songs and then you can message me about the rest or something 😊

“Clementine” has such color, doesn’t it? Also the line about her wondering what it’s like to be the blood in her veins—I love it!

“Graveyard” with the thing you love the most being the detriment—not going to lie, this is a story song for me, it fits into the Gold Rush Silmarillion AU I am co-authoring. Feanor and his own pride, Maedhros and half the people he loves, Fingon and Maedhros—the list could go on.

“You should be sad” and “More” gutted me because I had only just learned she has endometriosis, and has experienced a miscarriage before.

“Forever...(is a long time)”:

It's a nice surprise knowing six feet highWould reach and grab the moon if I should ask

Or just imply that I want you to be more lightSo I could look inside his eyesAnd get the colors just right

And

What am I thinking? What does this mean?How could somebody ever love me?

Self-doubt and questioning one’s ability to be loved ☹

“Without Me” gets stuck in my head and I LOVE IT I SING IT.

Found you when your heart was brokeI filled your cup until it overflowedTook it so far to keep you close (Keep you close)I was afraid to leave you on your own

 Is there anything more painful than giving all of yourself to someone, loving them so much that you do anything to help them heal—and then all they do is hurt you.

“Finally// beautiful stranger” I’m ashamed to say the first time I listened to it I wasn’t paying attention and so I was like eh it’s fine. THEN I LISTENED TO IT AGAIN. WHY IS THIS SONG HALSEY’S “ENCHANTED” (I can probably explain this, but just after I’ve had sleep)

“killing boys” there are a lot of things I could say about this song but the main thing I want to say is if there was a song that is ME regarding the sound of it only, it is this one. When she sings “you don’t need me anymore” and “I don’t need you anymore” OOH IT GETS ME IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Also

Told me pick my battles and be picking 'em wiseBut I wanna pick 'em all and I don't want to decideNo more, no more, anymore

THIS IS THAT TUMBLR THING  “MY MOM LIKES TO TELL ME ‘YOU HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES’ WELL I’M FULL OF RAGE AND I’M PICKING ALL OF THEM”

ALSO ALSO GETTING INTO THE LYRICS THIS IS HER MOVING ON, THIS IS HER DECISIVELY SAYING NO THIS NOT RIGHT THIS IS HARMFUL TO ME I AM DONE. AND FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPRESSED UNCERTAINTY AND DIFFICULTY MAKING DECISIONS, IT SO GOOD TO SEE HER MAKE A HEALTHY CHOICE FOR HERSELF

“Suga’s Interlude:” LOOK YOU LOVE BTS TOO SO I’M SURE YOU KNOW THE STORY OF HOW IT CAME TO BE AND YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT BTS AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH HALSEY BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE READERS LET ME SUM UP

Halsey did a collaboration with BTS called “Boy with Luv” and it shook the charts and is wonderful and I love it. Not only did they create that song though, but she flew out to South Korea and learned the dance choreography so that she could sing and dance in the song’s music video. This was the beginning of a beautiful, cross-language, cross-cultural friendship that has involved friendship bracelets, churros, a personalized microphone, and mutual teasing.

Anyway, Halsey had been really impressed with BTS member Suga, saying “Yoongi is really introspective and has this really intelligent perspective on where we are and what we are doing in our unique lifestyles.” She also was moved by the hard work and sacrifices he (and his fellow band members) have made. Anyway, she asked Suga to write and sing a song with her. He was initially surprised, saying that he can’t rap in English. Halsey, gem that she is, was like bro, pls rap in Korean, that would be awesome. Pardon me for copying half the lyrics for this song but to me it is pivotal in Manic as a whole:

I’ve been trying all my lifeTo separate the timeIn between the having it allAnd giving it up, yeah...

Here is the conflict and strife that Halsey has dealt with all her life—there is fear of loss there, and also fear of what one has. The power it has over you. The way things might go wrong.

I believe your faith, efforts, beliefs, and greed,are not hideous...Although the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest,Never forget that the stars that you wish for,can only rise within the dark...

Suga reminding himself, Halsey, and us to cling to hope, ragged and worn, even in the most difficult of times. Also—in the face of our insecurities and self-recrimination for the goals we set—he tell us that our deepest parts are valid

If I run endlessly towards the end of the tunnel,what will there beIt’s true, it’s honestly differentfrom the future that I had hoped forBut it doesn’t matter, now it’s a matter of living/survivingIt doesn’t matter what happenedYeah yeah it might bedifferent from the things that you expectedYour living and your loving might changeThat’s true That’s true That’s trueYeah so are you gonna moveWe’re still too youthful and young to hesitateLet’s face it (our lives)...

This, this verse is so important. Look back at the song “Ashley”, particularly the lines I already quoted. Indecision because the fear of what might be, of what failure could do, wrecking her worse than ever, with no one to help her. Indecision because of a nostalgia that might be bitter or softly sad, what was past was at least known. It was good perhaps, it was awful more likely. But it was gotten through. There is no guarantee that Halsey will be able to get through whatever the future holds. But Suga comes in here, having faced struggles similar at their core, and he embodies the Nike slogan. Just DO IT. Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t let yourself drown, stuck in sinking mud. Embrace the unknown. If you let fear hold you back, you are as good as dead. There will be no growth, no hope battling through the dark for something better. You have to MOVE! And maybe you were right, things will never be the same, or the way you want it to be, but MAYBE THE DIFFERENT WILL BE BETTER!!!

Anyway, this section really should have been its own essay, because I’m still not done with it. You may have noticed I have been calling them Halsey and Suga, and the song is indeed called “Suga’s Interlude” but this song is so deep and personal to them both, it feels wrong to use their stage names. This is Ashley speaking, this is Yoongi speaking. Halsey posted a cute, stick figure drawing as artwork for the song, and the two singers are pictured there—and named as Ashley and Yoongi. This song is not just a collaboration by two talented artists, this is a look into the souls of a woman and a man who’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears to become the people they are. This intimacy fits the whole theme of the album so well, I LITERALLY CANNOT

I am so sorry I will move on now. It is 2:00 am. I need to go to bed. I am not. I need to talk about 929.

Well first let me say that “Still Learning” is also super important to the theme of the album.

I know that I've done some wrongBut I'm trying to make it rightDid the one I love do me wrong?Give me up right now

I know that I love you but I'm still learningTo love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)I'm still learning to love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)

She has made confessions and declarations and sung her frustration, and now she is moving forward. The road may be long and hard, but she is moving forward. I had something else to say but I forgot it sorry.

And NOW

929!!!!

This song miiiiight be my favorite on the album, not sure. My heart trembles and I get chills listening to it, because the music and her voice are so gentle and soothing but the lyrics are essentially a list of moments that have been needles and knives to Ashley, all her fears revealed, that she wasn’t enough then and she isn’t enough now, that the girl with the pink hair lied when she said that everyone needed Ashley. It’s a soft confession, a stream of consciousness, so it was written and so I hear it. And in this moment, how can I not love her? How can I not cry for her, for me, for anyone and everyone who struggles with self-worth, with being wanted, with being loved, with loving, with forgiving self and others?Halsey is flawed, and I just want to give her extra love because of that.

But you know what? I think she is going to be ok.

This is where I want to go back and compare Manic to Lover. There is this knowledge of the self, a kind of peace with who one is. I don’t mean that either Taylor or Ashley have reached their pinnacle of self, but they see themselves a little more clearly, and are not suppressing that knowledge.

929 sounds like water gently pouring out of a pitcher into a basin, and water, properly placed, does not drown but gives life. There is hope by the end of this song, hope despite her difficult life, hope despite the fact that she was never even telling the truth about her time of birth. (That story could be a despairing one, the “I’m a fucking liar” could be the miniscule mistake that breaks her after all the rest of her mistakes, but instead...I don’t know she just sounds kind of amused, like even if she is disappointed or upset about it, there is still this “oh well, whatever, can’t believe that happened lol” to her voice and laughter. She knows who she is now, and there is a better woman she might be, but she is not angry with herself for being who she is, and she will move forward, letting go of her ghost towns and all her fears.

Let me end with a quote about 929: “I just start spilling all of my thoughts about myself and my fans and my family, and I admit so many faults and flaws all in one go. It’s forgiving, however, it ends with the acknowledgment that I am learning and growing, minute by minute.”

Ashley, like Taylor, is making a new start. They have both found a sort of daylight, and though there may always be shadows, I really really hope that they will know mostly sun, and spread it around for others.

ALSO I JUST REALIZED I COULD NOW BE SOMEONE’S MANIC PIXIE DREAMGIRL :D 

*Disclaimer: I AM SO FREAKING TIRED I AM GOING TO BED, THIS WHOLE THING IS ENTIRELY UNEDITED, ALSO I LEFT SOME SONGS OUT OOPS WELL TWO OF THEM I DON’T CARE FOR AS MUCH BUT I THINK I FORGOT 3 AM WHICH I DO  LIKE BUT I AM NOT GOING BACK TO WRITE ABOUT IT NOW. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE RAMBLING MESS AND LACK OF ELOQUENCE BUT HERE WE BE THIS IS WHAT YOU GET HOPE IT MADE YOU SMILE

[marisakage]

Hi there, Abby! @yunsoh I think this is my first time ever talking to you. Technically, this is a recommendation-turned-into-an-analysis post (I hope you don't mind).

So the other day, I came across a vocaloid music video called Bitter Chocolate Decoration.

Now that came outta nowhere, right? It has been ages since I've last listened to a vocaloid song but surprisingly enough this one resonated with me to a big extent.

You'd wonder why would this particular video hits real close to home. Well, that's simply because I regard this as Yuki's perspective towards society and his toxic relationship with his mother/Akito.

When you look into the lyrics, it clearly visualizes impossible-to-express emotions and emphasizes the arduousness of fitting into the world.

The kid in the MV was basically taught by his mother/caretaker to be a flawless person despite him not being comfortable with it.

He tried so hard to be what society always expects us to be, humble, altruistic, social, and selfless.

But being perfect made him unable to express himself which pushed him into shutting down his emotions, bottling up his feelings and suppressing his own thoughts. He ended up imprisoning himself and as time passed by he grew to accept the collar that has been choking him as a reality of his life resulting in him losing his identity.

There are instances in the MV where you can spot the kid wearing a VR headset and wires basically scattered everywhere. It's my own interpretation but I think they might signify the fact he has always borne the thought his whole life seemed real but in fact it was fake all along. The wires are what keeps the VR functioning and metaphorically speaking that might represent our society.

The visuals reminded me of how abusive Akito was towards Yuki. This might be not subtle at all but it's almost as if the caretaker in the MV is stuffing food into his mouth against his own will. Food represents what society expects us to be, in other words idealism. The kid was reluctant at first but later he felt so hopeless and gave up.

He followed everything meticulously in order to become an 'adult' while trying to the best of his abilities to maintain his sanity. Because being an impostor drives one insane and being someone else other than yourself is suffocating. This has turned him into a controlled puppet, a marionette or for a better choice of words a slave.

I'm not trying to imply that Yuki is like the kid from the MV but rather the noxious relationship both parties share.

Yuki has been abused by Akito all his childhood. The stuffed food you see in the MV represents that kind of sick and ill treatment Akito has been displaying.

Being ostracized, having to endure harsh and discouraging words on a daily basis, getting rejected by your mother and your brother when you especially seeked help from them. All of this has caused Yuki to have a very low self-esteem. No matter what he does, he remains convinced that he's a good-for-nothing person.

So faking his own personality while suppressing his needs and keeping a distance from others is what he resolved to do.

The only authentic and real feeling he's been expressing so far is his jealousy towards Kyo. He probably didn't want to end up being a shell devoid of emotions so the only thing he wanted to hold onto is what he feels towards Kyo. Kyo has always been a scapegoat after all (I feel so bad for him). But besides the point, Yuki's been trying so hard to please everyone in fear of getting rejected the way he did by his mother and his brother. Just the thought makes him feel nauseated. He's been not only bound by the curse but also by society and how it regards him.

The scars and the wounds made by Akito and his actual mother prohibited him from moving on. Almost getting an anxiety attack in a closed space is proof that he's always been haunted by them which shows how nasty and agonizing their kinship is.

It's been obvious how he tries to escape from the shackles; Akito; by picking his highschool and later deciding his future career. Normally, everyone would want to fit in but in his case it drastically went for the worst aggravating his self-deprecating. That's why being a perfect version of yourself can drive you insane and having to shoulder expectations coming from every corner is torture to say the least.

He didn't snap or anything because he thinks he has no rights to express himself, after all he's a pathetic and a worthless person who doesn't deserve people's attention and empathy let alone the affection everyone craves for.

Yet witnessing before his eyes the way Kyo and Tohru interact with each others made him realize how superficial and fake his life is (throwback to VR and the wires) and how his efforts will never bear fruit.

He struggles to please everyone but at the same time he thinks he's undeserving of feeling loved. It really is lonely but what makes things worse for him is that he; a despicable being; strives to have that kind of connection. That goes to show the depth of his wounds and how emotionally scarred he is. To belittle himself to that extent really proves how traumatizing his experience with Akito is.

And frankly speaking if it wasn't for Tohru, he would have ended up like the kid from the MV a lifeless "puppet" dominated by both society and Akito. He attempted everything in order to break free from their grasping fangs but his efforts were futile leaving him in a rather exasperated state.

But you know what, that's one of the many things that I appreciate about Yuki's character and that's because he didn't want to lose hope. He struggled in his own way to find meaning in his existence even when he knows that he's not worth it, he's human and having such a humane feeling is absolutely normal.

Everyone seeks to find their own purpose and so does he hence he projected a subconscious image that prompts him to do so: "hatred".

He doesn't care so long it serves him as a purpose because he's scared of living meaninglessly but it turned out that what he's been missing out all this time was "love"

Love as in supporting someone else who's as flawed as you. He's been the only one receiving love and he's thankful for it but now that he grew accustomed to this foreign feeling, he started to strive to be the kind of person Tohru is. A person who gives meaning to someone else's life cuz definitely that act in itself will give a meaning to yours.

The act of repairing the other's broken pieces will definitely repair yours in return. That's what love is, it's staying by your most important person's side and helping them chin up regardless of how low they think of themselves while at the same time coming to terms with your tragic past and healing your scars. Loving someone else equals loving your own self, it's an indirect way of pampering your injured soul. An endless cycle.

Sharing that sacred feeling is what gives people a purpose in life and this is what Yuki has realized after receiving it from Tohru. He wants to become that person even if he's scarred and flawed. He wants to support whoever's in dire need and prevent them from falling in the depths of darkness so they don't end up like him, and that person happened to be Machi. Both of them saved one another, Machi gave purpose to Yuki's life and Yuki helped Machi open up and accept the fact that nobody is perfect and that having flaws is what makes us humans.

I don't even know how I ended up deviating so much from the main point but simply put that MV reminds me a lot of Yuki from when he was a child and how sickening and revolting his bond is with Akito and society in general. I apologize for this wall of text but I really couldn't help sharing my thoughts with you especially when you're one of my favorite bloggers.

[frighthouseofalighthouse]

Alex, how does it feel to have a musical about you? How much is accurate? Do any of the points really line up with who you were in real life? What was your sexuality? I'm asking because I know at the time how impossible it would have been for you to even think of coming out, but you did seem incredibly close to Laurens, maybe even more than friendly? I apologize, know you don't have to answer anything you're uncomfortable with. There's just so much I yearn to know about your life. Thank you.

This is so sweet of you to come into my inbox and ask me these things, I appreciate it more than you can ever know, and it’s not uncomfortable at all. I’m here to discuss the good, the bad, all of it.

It feels very surreal. I watched it last night, and I cried. A lot. It was even more surreal than listening to the soundtrack. It’s awe-inspiring, it’s moving, it feels undeserved. But at the same time, it’s gratifying to know I made enough of an impact that this happened.

The second question is hard to quantify. It’s accurate in a vague sense. John, Marie (Lafayette), and I were a close knit friend group. I did destroy Samuel Seabury. I met Eliza at that party, I was at Valley Forge, but the spring after got sent home because Washington and I clashed over what was called the Conway Cabal. (I did not go home to Eliza however because we hadn’t met yet.) Charles Lee and Thomas Conway disagreed with his leadership and wanted to overthrow him as Commander in Chief. John did duel Charles Lee, however, I was not his second. I came back well before Yorktown, I was in several battles in there, I was given my first command at Yorktown, did some bold things that did help us win the war. Angelica married John Barker Church and moved to England, John died, Phillip was born, he grew up, Jefferson was an ass, the affair happened, the pamphlet, Phillip’s death, the election, the duel, etc.

Burr, Lafayette, Laurens, Mulligan and I did not meet at the same time, and it was not in 1776. I didn’t even know Burr that well during the war. When I was confronted about embezzlement, it was actually Burr, James Monroe, and James Callender, but the musical changed it because there could only be so many characters. There’s a lot of historical inaccuracies, but a lot of it was done to make the plot of the musical understandable, and I get that. Otherwise it would have been like War and Peace.

I was bi. Back then, anyway. Now I’m a lesbian. Laurens and I were much more than friends. The text of some of our letters to each other is available online. I loved John and I loved Eliza. But I’m gonna tell you something.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching the past year. I loved John, but Eliza was my soulmate. John and I were brought together by war. We never got a chance to love each other outside of war. Could we have been together outside the war? Maybe. But we never got to be. I still agonize over John’s death. But in the war, I relied so much on him emotionally that he didn’t feel he could ask for support as well. The war drove us together, and when the war split us apart again, he grew distant, and I think it was because he dealt with so much of his own shit. I loved him and he loved me too, but I was so caught up in my feelings that I never realized what he did - that the war was going to end, and things would be different for us once it was. Even if we had continued as lovers, we would be separated, and letters wouldn’t be enough. So he distanced himself, and then he did the end-of-war equivalent of running out into traffic.

But I get away from myself. Your question was about my sexuality. I was bi, and Laurens and I were so much more than friends, and I still feel my soul connected to his and his presence is comforting, especially now that I’m accepting that our relationship was not ideal and never could be. But I loved my Eliza too, and was always devoted to her. (and yes, she knew about Laurens.)