#all the thinkies about them. they’re just some guys Until They’re Not

[caffernnn]

idk if you already did this and i just forget, but makoharu, who is orpheus and who is eurydice? you've made hadestown references before in the duration of our greek myth mh au exchanges but i don't recall if you've made a real mh orpheus-eurydice talk before.

also the "makoto/kiyofumi = patroclus/cleopatra" parallel also works in haru/azuma = achilles/meleager. achilles' name is derived from the greek word for pain, achos, and haru's full name means "seven currents away" literally (nanase- seven currents; haruka- distant, remote, away) or "great isolation". meanwhile their counterparts, once glorious people who have fallen out of glory, azuma's name ryuji means "imperial ruler", and meleager means "he who was part of the hunt" (his fame comes from his participation in the calydonian boar hunt).

i think there's something about how haru and achilles are both destined for a life of glory, but also for a life of grief and pain and suffering (as their name suggests) at the same time, and then there's azuma and the king who were both destined for glory, but ended in grief and pain and suffering not bc of destiny, but bc of their choices (idk i'm kinda reaching here)

this time the connection is haru/achilles = azuma/meleager (since in the first place achilles and meleager have different etymologies that happen to somehow correspond with haru's and azuma's, respectively. whereas patroclus and cleopatra share the same etymologies, and makoto and kiyofumi also have some similarities in the meanings of their names, that makes it makoto/kiyofumi = patroclus/cleopatra). either way, the parallels still work bc all four names make a connection.

i just realized how both canon and mook haru have some similarities w/ tsoa achilles in the way that both are willing to let other people in peril if it means the safety of their beloved. haru was mad at rei bc if it hadn't for him makoto wouldn't have been in danger like that. no implication that makoto should have left rei to drown to death, but if we consider the mook where haru directly attempted to prevent makoto from saving a potentially trapped victim (a child at that!) just so he wouldn't return to the danger of a burning, crumbling building, we realize that haru is not above letting others die just to ensure makoto is safe, that he survives.

achilles in tsoa (and also prob in the illiad if i still remember correctly) would not care if the greeks were being slaughtered by the trojans when patroclus begged to don his armor in hopes of scaring the enemies away and save the greeks from annihilation. he held on as much as he could to refuse patroclus, bc not only is it dangerous for him, he wouldn't want him to risk his life for people he barely cares about at this point (not to mention he was also mad at the whole army during this point). when patroclus was killed agamemnon "tried" (bc srsly he wasn't even trying) to console achilles, he said that he wished patroclus should have let them all die.

self-sacrificing people who would give up their lives to save someone else and selfish people in love who would sacrificd others for their beloved's life. makoharu are once again patrochilles reincarnated. the evidence just keeps growing and growing.

yes this is two topics in one ask. yes i'm milking the shit out of the patrochilles au. also feel free to separate the answers in this. as usual i'm thinking too much again and it's my mission to bother you about this

Love your long asks 💚💙 OKAY SO first order of business: I go back and forth when it comes to makoharu in an orpheus/eurydice situation. My first instinct is thinking about Makoto as Orpheus, full of a hope that can inspire life and new beginnings, and Haru as Eurydice, who can’t help but believe in his song, his heart (falling in spite of himself, etc etc). I can see them falling fast, seamlessly in a way that neither of them could’ve expected or known that they wanted. Love built from a life lived and a life imagined meeting in the middle and daring to dream of something new, a line to hold onto. I can see Makoto, invested in hope not to a point of naïveté, but of a different shade of demand, of desperation — focused on the weight of being a light bearer for so long he doesn’t notice Haru’s not still behind/beside him until it’s too late. (Do you see it? The parallels to the mook storyline?? Makoto getting lost to the idea of being the hero and saving people no matter the cost to him, not realizing that having your soul intertwined with someone else like that means you’re never only risking yourself??? Hello????)

Similarly though, I can see Haru as Orpheus, taking the lost potential of his FS/FS2 journey (if KA won’t follow through with the threads then I will) and trying to do the impossible: hold hope of success and treasure his bonds, resurrecting them through that sheer power of manifesting spring and new beginnings. I can see him finishing his song, a song older than him, and see himself in Hades’s (maybe Ssk or Ryuuji, if we want another player in there) power-drunk grief (Epic III I love you always). I can see him trudging forward, becoming a voice for people, Makoto right behind, trudging forward… and I can see the doubt from both of them close in. Haru wondering why anyone would follow him, look up to him, when the expectation has always felt a little too ill-fitting, too heavy on his shoulders. Makoto seeing his back, trusting Haru’s ability to move forward and his own will to, but not his own ability to close the distance between when it gets too wide, when the hand he depends upon can’t afford to turn around, when they can’t lean on that strength or support that comes from meeting eyes.

I can see the simultaneous relief and heartbreak that comes when they do meet eyes, and everything comes to a head. When Haru’s will to push forever (and give up something to reach the top) breaks, and he turns like he always has (always would, always will as long as he still can) to see Makoto right there, unwavering and supportive, despite being so sad that it had to be here and now that they see each other, not before. It’s the hospital scene we kinda had, but better; it’s a Makoto dream of him once again trying to reach Haru, but this time he looks back, this time he’s in reach, but touching him makes him disappear. It’s a tragedy and a trainwreck and an ending, but not fully - the ending makes it a story, and that means it can now be told again, they get to live again (even if the outcome will stay the same, it’s another chance, another few minutes, another small bit of ephemeral joy). In the context of makoharu, I think they move in waves, both full of passions that draw them toward each other and out to the world. There’s a cyclical push-pull to them, a story told again and again as they grow, losing themselves to their devotions to the world and then alighting anew when the other holds up a mirror, reminds them of who they are. Caring so much will always give them a propensity for tragedy, but that intensity is fun to play around with in their dynamic. For all the stories we tell where they’re in-tune, calm, pedestrian, ordinary to the point of fading into everyone else quietly, there’s that powder keg of Feelings™️ riiiight under the surface that, given the right circumstances, lends itself to epic feats and tragedy.

MOVING FORWARD: looove seeing the comparisons you’ve made and how that shows the lengths Haru is willing to go to protect his heart (which is held up by Makoto, rests in his hands). I want to add a bit to this though, especially in reference to the mook. Haru’s mind is chiefly on Makoto, his concern is about fighting to get him out, but he doesn’t rush in until after he sees/hears that mother and her kid reuniting. That’s a delicate distinction that I think is important when it comes to how Haru tries to protect Makoto: as much as it’d be easier to pull him out as soon as there’s any sign of danger, he lets Makoto try. Makoto is of the world, of the people, hellbent on serving them (whether it’s being a firefighter in a burning building or a captain at a training camp from hell), and he gets hurt at the nagging thought that he’s not enough because of his setbacks or fears. Haru doesn’t like Makoto being near the ocean during the whole trip, but he still lets Makoto push them forward through it until he can’t anymore. He watches Makoto put himself into potentially scary and dangerous situations with a determination to have his back through it all, but that first presents itself in the form of sitting and waiting.

With that said, what you’re pointing out in Haru can also be true — when it finally comes to that moment where Haru jumps in, saving Makoto because not saving him isn’t an option, everything is on the table. He’ll risk any beautiful thing to save Makoto because his influence is part of what allowed him to think of the world as beautiful in the first place. So, if he isn’t enough, if sacrificing himself isn’t enough? If there were lasting effects from both situations (like Makoto’s injuries lasting longer than the immediate moment of peril), perhaps even loss?? Of course he’d be pissed, he’d be warped, wielding himself into a weapon to protect his grief and ire in a way he couldn’t initially protect Makoto and himself. Delicious parallels and angst potential there, always.

[cringefaecompilation]

DORIAN STORM, ROBBIE DAYMOND, AND THE CRITICAL ROLE FANDOM

because some people don’t know how to act when a piece of collaborative media they like starts getting people of color to add to it. a good amount of this are things I’ve already discussed on my blog, so if you’ve been following me for a while, consider this a more polished version of my complaining. obvious content warnings for racism, with explicit focus on whitewashing, pinkwashing, and cultural assimilation.

quick note before we start: we’re talking about racism, not how annoying you think xyz white character is or how much you want to punt all xyz shippers into a fire. keep your comments focused on dorian himself; it feels counterproductive when conversations about the racism experienced by actors of color and the fictional characters they play snowballs into shitting on fictional white characters and completely ignoring the former.

with all that said, let’s begin.

if you’re reading this, there’s a strong possibility that you already know who dorian storm is, but just in case if you don’t, i’ll give you a quick rundown.

dorian storm is an air genasi bard from campaign 3 of critical role. he made his debut a few months before the third campaign official started in what was meant to be an anthology series on the channel: exandria unlimited. after eight episodes in that series, a short 14 episode run establishing the new campaign, and two more episodes in a sequel to the first anthology, dorian remained largely out of focus for the remainder of the campaign up until episode 92 whereupon he returned and rejoined his party for the third act climax.

while he’s generally beloved, most of his fans haven’t seen or acknowledged his debut, and have only watched the main series campaign. it’s a shame, given how little he’s given to do in the main campaign asides reconnect with his elder brother cyrus. most of his characterization is found in the anthologies and gets built upon when he comes back, so the fandom’s aversion to watching it means they’re missing out on a lot of what robbie’s established for dorian. the more i thought about this aversion, the more it hit me as to why people might be put off it. for such a beloved fandom character, most fans have completely forgotten that exandria unlimited was largely dorian’s story, with opal picking up the slack whenever he took a break from being in the spotlight. by comparison, fearne, orym, and dariax had minimal screentime and vaguer backstory setup. 

dorian and opal taking up the vast swath of story in makes sense for two reasons: robbie and aimee were completely new to the hobby! let the new guys have their fun instead of letting the professionals try to backseat drive the story! the second reason is that ashley johnson, liam o’brien, and matthew mercer are 100% going to return to critical role. it’s their jobs! so they can stand to fight over the same 15 minutes of screentime where aimee and robbie have their fun in the spotlight. even not-so-new kid anjali bhimani got a massive swath of her storyline and backstory established despite only appearing for half the first mini-series!

the same thing happened with calamity, where the plot was primarily moved by aabria and luis. sadly, lou did not get to add as much as them (or the rest of the cast imo) but brennan understood not to give marisha, travis, and sam special attention because they’re always there.

and if we’re talking about calamity, there’s another thing we’ve got to talk about. why is the pre-campaign three series that is predominantly played and dm’d by people of color, treated as more expendable than the pre-history avalir series despite involving three fandom-beloved characters and two fandom-beloved ships? how come people complained about an episode and a half being dm’d by aabria because “they weren’t warned ahead of time” but were fine with brennan taking over critical role for an entire month when there was equally zero “warning” for him to do so? and thinking harder, i suppose i came up with our thesis question.

do people even really like dorian?

DORIAN/ROBBIE BASHING

edit: robbie pulled a pro gamer move and this section is now somewhat inaccurate. see here for an explanation.

since dorian’s vocal haters aren’t as numerous as his vocal fans, i’ll go through this part quickly.

i understand that any character can be grating to anyone for any reason, but some of their insults and insistences about dorian and robbie tend to get a bit loaded. we’re not racist! we just think robbie daymond is just uniquely annoying with crosstalk and his character’s backstory doesn’t mesh with the story the campaign is trying to tell! he’s not a real member of the group because he wasn’t there for all their important moments! he should just die offscreen so they’ll shut up about him already! the only reason people want him back is because they’re rabid liam o’brien fangirls that want him to kiss a man with tongue on-screen!

we’ll touch on that last bit later, but there’s always a weird pit in my stomach whenever someone insists that dorian doesn’t work with bell’s hells. the watsonian side of me wants to argue that a runaway/disguised noble is a perfectly common npc type. but the doylist side of me wonders if they think it’s because robbie does not fit in as a person with the cast of critical role because there’s just something too different about him. i wonder if you can tell what it is.

and this last one is more of a nitpick, but a few people joked about how robbie, christian, and utkarsh were all interchangeable or sound or look the same. don’t do that.

in full fairness, i don’t think it makes someone a racist automatically if they dislike a fictional person of color. after all, you can say “i think finn was underutilized in the star wars trilogy and had an unsatisfying character arc, so i cannot bring myself to like him” and still acknowledge that there was bigotry in the writer’s room that led to said poor character arc.

unfortunately, someone might agree with only the first part of your complaint and then add on that they fantasize about blowing up john boyega with their mind so that rey and kylo can have their perfect aryan babies in peace. not only that, but the insistence that a person of color having a minimal role compared to the white people in the story to explain why you can’t be a fan of them goes from explanation to excuse rapidly when you realize how many white background characters are given their own sub-fandoms built solely upon headcanons.

which leads us to our next point.

DOUBLE STANDARDS AND WHITEWASHING

this fandom seems to have a massive problem with headcanons, but it’s not for the reasons you’d think. they have to act as though the person is only making up headcanons to spite either the rest of the fanbase or the human actor themselves. i’ve no such compunctions about headcanons. give pike glasses! make laudna viet! say that caduceus is a cane user! but there comes a problem when you insist that your angsty trauma headcanons are more genuine than someone who has legitimately gone through the same in canon.

what do i mean by that? let’s pivot a bit to a comparison between two seemingly unrelated characters that made the rounds about a year ago: essek thelyss and bor’dor dog’son. don’t worry, this ties into dorian, i swear.

both men were jaded by religion and religious people in their lives and were led down dark paths when martinet ludinus da’leth entered their lives and attempted to sway them into his anti-god cult. bor’dor was fully sucked into the cogs of his killing machine and offed by bell’s hells, but essek fled into hiding after giving ludinus a holy item that belonged to his people, realizing too little too late the weight of his actions.

according to fandom, essek was manipulated emotionally into a bigoted movement and just needed to be deradicalized because he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong. the fictional man of color, bor’dor dog’son, as portrayed by the real-life man of color, utkarsh ambhukdar, for some reason is not given this grace at all. in fact, he’s been compared to delilah briarwood of all people because both of them were villainous sorcerers that felt slighted by someone, despite this comparison falling flat outside of the aesthetic where she is a broken bird crying out for her husband rather than a conniving unrepentant villain. or perhaps they see him as just as evil as her for harming and deceiving the white player characters.

it seems fandom is more comfortable with the illusion of a person of color as voiced by a white man, filtered through a fantasy species canonically discriminated against, and further filtered through headcanons, fanart, and fanfiction by their choice rather than having to interact with the indian man on screen staring back at them.

and if bor’dor is demonized for being a person of color, then dorian is liked for… being a person of color… that the fandom can pretend he isn’t because his skin is blue and not brown.

dorian is literally a person of color with his blue skin and hair, but he’s still also an actual person of color because of his player. compare him to sam nightingale and katja cleaver, despite having powder blue skin and olive-green skin and being fantasy creatures (triton and orc), they wasted no time in telling brennan lee mulligan that there would be no “carmelinda” nonsense; they were a black transfeminine woman and an indian woman just the same as them.

and if you’re going to say, “okay but assuming a person of color has to play a character that’s the same race/ethnicity as they are makes you the real bigot!”

again, must i refer to sam nightingale and katja cleaver. they made the active decision to depict their characters the same as themselves. they consented to it. this was not some sort of shallow corporate-driven plot to force two women of color into portraying diverse characters to capitalize off their identities.

and likewise, the same can be said for robbie and dorian. robbie daymond identifies as multiracial and is part apache. that’s straight from his twitter, so it’s very easily accessible to anybody that would be curious.

so going back to critical role, dorian comes from a nomadic people who keep mostly to themselves and provide wisdom to its diasporic people that come to them for guidance. they’re extremely secretive and even more so distrustful of outsiders, resorting to violence as a last-ditch effort to ensure their secrecy. they can’t risk anything about their people or their culture falling into the wrong hands and warn their children to be wary of the outside world. dorian and his brother reject being called princes a lot of times, and cyrus only picks it up because he likes the sound of it!

if you aren’t from the united states of america you might not know (and even if you are, you still might not know) apache tribes are known for being nomadic. being diasporic and wary of outside forces attempting to harm one's culture only further bolsters the coding. dorian’s backstory appears to be robbie attempting to reconnect with his culture, and good on him! but for some reason, the fandom hasn’t picked up on that. look, i love fanart that emphasizes robbie’s culture, but the number of times i’ve seen people reblog/retweet it without a second thought and then go back to ignoring the exact same cultural coding in canon is… something else.

if vandran can somehow have an accent (and fjord can mimic it) from the southern united states of america off the coast of a continent based on eastern europe, if byroden is somehow comparable with the real-life city of laredo, texas despite being smack dab in the middle of a continent based on western europe, if the air ashari’s culture is a weird mishmash of samoan, irish celtic, and pan-east asian (by way of avatar the last airbender) cultures, then i don’t think it’s an unreasonable thought that the silken squall would not have to be a one-to-one recreation to be coded as such, laurel crowns be damned.

this lack of attention to this detail in fandom is a bit strange, as usually every other (usually male) character has their backstories and everything that their players intended for them memorized to a t by the fandom. it’s almost a running gag at this point where if someone makes a headcanon that bends canon the slightest millimeter and begins to gain traction, you’ll have someone more popular than them instantly vagueing “crazy entitled fans” who “think they know better than canon”. so what makes robbie’s unstated intentions for dorian (outside his affection for his friends and possible romantic crushes) completely fly under the radar? doesn’t anybody think that’s weird? does he need to say out loud that dorian is coded as native so people will realize it?

but even this erasure isn’t the worst of bigotry with his character, that’s saved for the next part.

STEREOTYPES

the irony of dorian’s backstory being whitewashed but his role in fandom still heavily conforming to racist stereotypes about native americans is not lost on me. it’s like there’s a veil keeping them from fully realizing it, but it’s thin enough for them to latch onto unconscious prejudices. there are a lot of caricatures of native americans in media, both within and outside of north america, but only two of them apply to dorian’s treatment in fandom. the magical indian and the noble savage.

the magical indian, much like the magical negro and the magical asian, is nothing more than a paragon of perfection that exists only to prop up the white characters. they give sage advice and mentorship, but have little to no aspirations of their own or even a life outside their relationship with their white protégé. they may die heroically to spur the white characters into action and mourn how kind and perfect they were.

the noble savage gives similar bolstering to the white characters, but carries even worse implications. at the very least the former is seen as something resembling a person, deified and lacking all depth as they may be. the noble savage is treated like an entirely alien species, and a violent and dangerous one at that. he is handsome, in an exotic, othered way, but violent and unable to be reasoned with and only ever sated for a time. despite being “one of the good ones” he still needs to be “civilized” completely out of his culture or murdered to avoid tainting white culture.

obviously nothing in this fandom gets that bad, but the parallels are there. prior to dorian’s return, the vast majority of fan content that detailed his return made him into the de facto therapist for bell’s hells. because obviously dorian wasn’t going through anything himself with the solstice, magic backfiring, and opal being corrupted! he’d be happy to be nothing more than a shoulder to cry on without any traumas or tribulations of his own to worry about! they all got solved and dealt with offscreen, honest. and after his return, people who were either on the fence about him or disliked him entirely began to come around once he positively interacted with and bonded with the other white characters they liked.

the complaint of “i dislike that dorian is never allowed to exist outside of his friends” gets misinterpreted as “it’s out of character for dorian to care so much about his friends” either by well-meaning or willful ignorance, but at the end of the day, it’s ignorance either way. this would be different if he was an npc, but he has hours of content that doesn’t focus solely on his relationships with other people. yes, it is a massive part of his characterization that he will do anything for his loved ones, but why are we focusing on them and not him?

then again, maybe fandom shouldn’t focus on other parts of his backstory.

any mention of the silken squall that isn’t reskinning it to be a generic fantasy keep tends to make it a living hell. sure, the bits and pieces we’ve heard from it make it extremely clear they’re unhealthily secretive, strict, and a bit full of themselves, but it’s not as if they’re evil aristocrats that kick puppies for fun. the tale of a young man that’s going against tradition is hardly one that belongs to a single culture, but i’ve found people find it the most digestible when they strip it of all nuances. it’s the “no, dad, i’m my own man! individualism for life, baby!” power fantasy everyone’s always dreamed of where you can up and leave a situation and leave everything you’ve ever known behind.

so the silken squall is just homophobic, transphobic, and fantasy racist. dorian should completely abandon it and all its ways to go off gallivanting with the hells in perpetuity, which is the correct option. never mind that matt himself said that lgbtphobia in exandria is not the same or is far less common than it is in our world. never mind that in the previous campaign there was a massive story hook about prejudice and xenophobia that humans enacted on species they viewed as “monsters”. because why should the silken squall be anything more than a hive of bigotry and cruelty with no grey areas? everyone knows every flying city in exandria was pure evil and should be nuked from orbit! it’s true, brennan lee mulligan told me so!

i suppose i was wrong for expecting better. if two disney films meant to sell dolls to little girls that more or less looked directly into the camera and said “sometimes people do bad stuff because they were hurt real bad in the past, but that doesn’t make them bad people! racism is still gross!” could both get misinterpreted with zero nuance as being about an abusive matriarch forcing her family into impossible perfection, then i should’ve figured that people would do the same with a piece of adult media.

SHIPPING CONTENT

let’s finally get this out of the way. there is a very intentional reason i’ve been dancing around the subject of shipping with dorian.

i do not have anything against dorym as a ship. i do think that they like each other! they’ve got a lot of really sweet moments together! they just have a lot of personal things they have to work through to get there.

to say that it’s forced, or they’re “trying too hard” to make it seem like they’re about to confess their mutual love, or has had zero buildup can feel at times like a “gotcha” to mock its fans for being pushy. they’re both clearly trying to get back into the swing of things now that robbie’s returned and they can move forward with developing their relationship. i wouldn’t be surprised if it’ll be like late game beauyasha, which had a similar problem with not having a lot of content for it due to one member of the ship being absent from the table because scheduling despite being beloved by fandom until we got into the mid-100s.

that all being said, there is a tendency for dorian to be treated poorly in the ship by the shippers. all my complaints about it hinge solely on the fans. now, i don’t think all dorym fans are like this; i would be making the same complaints if dorian/laudna, dorian/imogen, fearne/dorian, doomstorm, or greystorm shippers did this as well. but since dorym is the most popular out of all of them, i will be discussing it primarily.

small mercies that dorian’s coding is largely ignored because that means nobody's making pocahontas aus with the dorym ship. (and if they are, please don’t tell me. we know its racist. you don’t need to show it to me to confirm that it is, indeed, racist. i don’t frequent ao3 for a reason). even without that, dorym still falls victim to the ship dynamic of the delicate white person and the strong person of color.

i’m already uncomfortable with how orym’s trauma is viewed by a vast majority of the fandom, but adding in the “dorian has no feelings outside his own and is only a machine to deposit in trauma coins until sex comes out” situation i described earlier, it gets bad really quick. often times dorian’s whole worldview is warped to focus only on orym and orym’s feelings. he certainly trusts and looks to him as a leader, but the constant insistence that orym is the only thing that matters in his life, orym is the only person he would trust unconditionally, orym is the only one he would ever truly be in love with, he must be the one to fix orym’s trauma and make him whole with no work from orym’s side at all and orym orym orym orym orym-

yeah it’s bad.

and now we come to braius doomseed, the newest bull on the block. sam riegel introduced his new character as an over-comedic flirt who went after everybody with a pulse... and laudna! provided you’re able to take a joke, a lot of people had fun cracking remarks about how braius confirmed that bell’s hells were just another basement away from having a real orgy instead of a fake. but then there were those who did not like the joke, and by that i mean, people who genuinely wished death upon sam, braius and the shippers ironic and genuine for daring to get in the way of dorym. because dorian is orym’s man, not braius’ man!

do i really need to say why it’s wrong to say or imply a white person owns a person of color? do you need an explanation for that? it’s bad! very bad!

i must reiterate: i don’t think every single dorym shipper acts like this or has never spoken out about this trend. i follow a good number of people that like the ship and a lot of them have no problem with shipping them with other people and treating them as their own characters on equal footing. it’s okay to like the ship and it’s okay to not like the ship.

or if you don’t like the ship, you could always make nazi jokes.

would you believe that this post actually made me want to make this one? there is a score of perfectly good reasons to dislike dorym as a ship as stated previously, but you made a joke about how a white guy is getting denied of his rightful claim to a relationship by a native guy? i take it back, maybe people do need things explained to them. you certainly don’t see laura/marisha pc shippers speak about aabria or erika this way.

speaking of, that makes for a terrific segue!

imodna tends to be bashed by both ashrym and dorym shippers in equal measures, partially due to misogyny and lesbophobia usually rampant in m/m shipping spaces, and partially because people still have lingering wounds from entitled beaujes shippers from campaign two. i think it’s safe to assume that a vast swath of the holdover from campaign two abandoned ship (heh) following episode 34, as that’s when i remember seeing a lot of angry imodna shippers complaining about how orym should have died instead of laudna and ragequitting the campaign. but what does this have to do with dorian, you ask?

well, i haven’t seen any fanfiction or aus where dorian is laudna’s abusive boyfriend that imogen must save with her sapphic mind powers (again, if it does exist, keep that shit to yourself because we know it’s racist) but i have seen some imodna fans utterly despise orym and anything that has to do with him. and if they hate anything that has to do with him, that includes dorian.

most of the “dorian is a useless character that doesn’t need to exist/only exists for crazy fangirls/should die offscreen” comments as stated all the way back there come from imodna shippers sniping back at a lot of the people being crappy about their ship. or in fanfic/fanart they’ll overemphasize his snottier or selfish aspects or make him out to be an impulsive dimwit as a “joke.” long story short, they aim at the white guy and dorian gets gored with the shrapnel.

SO NOW WHAT?

i think it’s pretty obvious where to go from here. do better. watch exandria unlimited and exandria unlimited kymal! acknowledge the story that robbie is trying to tell.  be respectful and ask questions if people are willing to give answers. and if you don’t find dorian enjoyable or interesting as a character, think about why you don’t and ask yourself if you’d extend that same indifference to a white character. it’s not that hard to simply say that a ship or a character just isn’t your thing without being bigoted about it!

hopefully this post helped people see things they may have overlooked in their analyses of dorian and thanks to @bam-monsterhospital, @fear-ne and a bunch of anons for adding their input!

[that-bi-bitch-writes]

How To: For Dummies

I have not slept. it is 5am. Please have mercy on me. I could not get the concept of Batman trying and failing to blackmail the reader out of my head. So I wrote it

[Name] [L.name] is a self righteous bleeding heart asshole with hero tendencies and definitely cannot be trusted. That’s how he made an enemy out of every Bat vigilante and all their sidekicks. A word to the wise, don’t pick a fight with 8 people running around in tight suits and animal insignia. Especially if you can’t really fight all that well. Then you’ll end up like [Name], tied to a chair facing an ultimatum of prison or indentured servitude to a hoarder of wealth. 

[Name], a master of the google search engine decided reading “How to Hack for Dummies” was sufficient enough to try and hack into Batman’s secure computer network and find out the secret identities of the bat and all the other Gotham/Gotham adjacent vigilantes. His excuse being “If they’re dumb enough to leave incriminating evidence out in the open, then they’re dumb enough to go to jail for it”

No surprise, Tim flagged the hacker, transmitting a virus to their computer and alerting Batman to the fact that someone was poking around their secret identities. Or at least that’s what he planned to do until he traced the IP address and found out the hacker was just some guy, smart enough to try to hack them on a borrowed laptop in a public place but not smart enough to turn off the cell phone pinging at the exact same location. Considering it was a run of the mill citizen, Tim figured he could solve the problem himself before bringing the Bat in.

After a failed attempt to unmask the Bat, [Name] stopped by the grocery store to pick up ingredients to make himself a consolation dinner. Checking out was normal but the drive home was nerve wracking. [Name] kept looking in the rear view mirror expecting to see someone in the backseat or a bat silhouette in the rear window. 

“I’m usually a little paranoid but this– this is different.” [Name] thought aloud as he pulled into his driveway. He put the groceries away and went upstairs to change before making dinner. 

“Thanks for letting me put the groceries away. It’s nice to know you have some manners” [Name] called behind him as he stood in his bedroom doorway. He felt a prick in the back of his neck and his arms felt heavy. Then his legs, and then his face before he finally closed his eyes.

[Name] woke up in an empty dark room with his hands zip tied behind his back. 

“Zipties.” He noticed “more humane than chains or shackles, and more secure than handcuffs. I want to be impressed but I’m kind of terrified 

Tim walked in dressed as Red Robin and glared down at [Name] 

“You’re not very good at hacking so I doubt you’re working for anyone, but I can’t just let you off the hook without finding out what you know. So either you tell me or I’ll get Batman”

“No need to bring i the big man i’ll tell you what you want to know if it guarantees i get out of here”

“You’ll be able to leave”

“That sounds shifty, can I get it in writing? And without the jargon?”

“Funny. I’m going to get Batman”

“Which one are you?”

“What?”

“Which kid are you? I’m not good at hacking but I am good at investigative journalism. There have been a lot of kids over the years and I’ve started to believe that Batman’s collecting wayward children, or you know him well enough that your parents don’t care. Or both. So are you one of the orphans or one of the neglected?”

Tim remained silent and turned to leave.

“I’ll be back with Batman”

“I’ll be here” [Name] called back

“Talk” Batman ordered

“About what?” [name] asked innocently hoping to be spared the treatment of Batman’s criminal informants

“You tell us what you think you know about us and we’ll let you go”

“I was curious as to how robin never seemed to age and I found out it was more than one robin and then I was mad at myself for being so stupid so I looked in to all the Robins and emergence of other Bat people.” [Name] rambled “And then I started thinking about how they got the gear and tech at such a young age and I knew they had to have connections towards rich people. Coincidentally Batman came to Gotham at the same time Bruce Wayne did. So I lined up appearances of the Robins to major events in the life of Bruce Wayne, like the adoption of Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake etc.”

The room was silent. Batman stood still assessing [Name] and Tim stood at his right as he appeared unaffected by the revelation of his secret identity. But Tim couldn’t hide his stance that prepared for any and all possibilities.

“You’re good” Batman said “I could use your skills sometime in the future. You should look into work at Wayne Enterprises. You’d work directly under me but it’d give you the opportunity to tell your family who you work for”

“Uh– thanks I think. But i’m good”

“I could always have you locked up in prison. You did commit a crime”

“You’d have to prove I was the hacker and even if you did, you’d have to prove I was trying to hack Bruce Wayne, unless you’re gonna walk into the police station and tell them that [Name] [L.Name] tried to hack Batman and you took it upon yourself to take me from my home and tie me up”

“And what do you propose I do instead”

“Pimp out your sidekick there”

Tim’s eyes narrowed before [Name] burst into laughter

“I’m kidding. You’ll just have to let me go. Or I can sign some sort of superhero NDA if you have one of those.

“You don’t seem in a position to negotiate. Take the kindness offered to you” Tim said

“I’d never work for a Billionaire. The Wayne company does a lot of good, but no amount of vigilante work will make up for the billions of dollars you hoard like a territorial emo dragon. And I know you’re not gonna keep me locked up in a cage so I’d like to be let go please.”

Batman took out a Batarand and tossed it at zip ties around [Name]’s feet letting out a half hearted “oops” when [Name]’s foot was knicked. Tim went around the chair [Name] sat on and undid the zip ties around his wrist before knocking [Name] out once again for the trip out of the Batcave. 

A few hours later [Name] woke up in his own bed with a note taped to his dresser that said “I’ll be in touch” 

[Name] smiled to himself and started humming as he made his way to the kitchen.

“Hmm. I outfoxed a fox” [Name] said aloud “Good for me” 

[shimmershae]

So.  Thanks to my new anonymous friend, this is going to become a thing.

Shae’s thinky thoughts about the latest episode--Acheron:  Part 2--beneath a cut. 

Because spoilers, however vague they might be.  

Let’s be real here.  This is more a stream of consciousness than anything else so if that’s not your thing, you are most welcome to nope right on out of this post.  Trust me.  I’ll completely understand, lol.  Sometimes?  I wish I could nope right on out of my own brain and the way it operates.  

That said?  Without further ado--

Episode 2′s opening, though.  Maggie trapped with hungry Walkers converging?  It totally gives me Glenn under the dumpster vibes.  I don’t know if that was intentional or just happy coincidence but way to link Maggie to her dearly departed better half, show.  

Is it just me or has Father G had more OOMPH to him these last few seasons?  Again, I have to ask--Rosita’s influence or no?  Regardless, I bet Seth Gilliam is loving the job these days.  

Side note:  am I gonna have to go to bed early every Saturday night from now until the end just so I that I might be able to SEE?  Something?  Anything?  My curtains are flimsy-ass.  I admit it.  But this is more frustrating than TXF.  Angela, WTF?  

No, seriously.  It’s like complete guess work who’s in these subway scenes.  Some of that has to do with them being overly populated by redshirts and the rest of it has to do with me having to squint and turn sideways to make out their facial features. 

Look at Daryl busting through concrete walls!  Should I call him the Kool-Aid Man considering NR has once again allowed himself to be led right into a biased, shipper trap?  Hmm.  I might.  

Imagine seeking refuge in those dark, filthy subways.  Any second now I expect to hear the skittering of rats.  Will Dog lose his effing mind a la Divergence?  He’s been shown to go off half-cocked that way, lol.  Oh well.  Guess it’ll be in character if he does.  

Impressive graffiti storyboards.  Does it mean something that it immediately cuts to the Commonwealth storm troopers afterward?  Maybe.  Who really knows at this point?  They been trying to gaslight us forever.  

LOL at Princess yet again.  Yumiko is just like da fuq is this person?  

No, really.  LMAO.  “That was her.  From last night.  Did you see how she was looking at us?”  

Then you have Eugene, hahaha.  “Oh God.  Why did he tell off the big guy?”  Like the man is totally me in this type of situation.  Not even gonna lie.  

“That’s right.  We want to talk to the manager.”  

I literally cannot wait ‘til Carol and Daryl meet Princess.  Can.  Not.  Wait.  

How sad is that note on that $100 bill?  Small moment but it totally gives me Season 4 vibes when they were on their way to Terminus seeking sanctuary.  

Hmm.  Remember how that place wasn’t what they thought it was?  I’m sure neither is the Commonwealth.  But I feel like what’s left of Team Family is totally going to do Rick proud, lol, and prove they’re messing with the wrong people if they try something.  

Daryl, Man.  You gonna have to get a better handle on your headstrong Fur Son.  I wonder if Dog would listen better to his mama?  Things to ponder.  

Sounds like Miko has this group’s number.  Or does she?  

Princess and Eugene totally look like they’re waiting their turn for the Principal’s office, LOL.  

“Stop moving!  You’re taking my nerves over the edge to a proverbial 11 on a scale of 10.”  I feel you, Eugene.  I do.  Also you, Princess.  Two of the most relatable TWD characters right there, I’m telling you.  

Princess is me when I really, really, really have to pee.  TMI?  Sorry, lovelies.  LOL.  I just...she’s so relatable.  

LMAO.  “If that fine ass dude in the orange suit...”  Princess and Mercer incoming in 3-2-----

Princess’s excitement over the toilet paper=PRICELESS.  

Eugene, Man.  You desperately need to develop a poker face.  

There’s Daryl getting another cool camera shot.  Angela?  You playing favorites again?  

Carol’s claustrophobia could have never.  I bet that’s in the back of Pookie’s mind.  You can’t tell me it’s not because Carol lives in there rent-free.  

Ohhh.  Back to the subway car.  Looks like we got the Maggie redshirts leading the way.  First sacrificial “lambs”?  

Maggie pistol-whipping Negan was kinda deserved, but he wasn’t all wrong so.  

Damn.  I’m no Gage fan.  He can fuck all the way off for what he did to my baby Lydia.  But Maggie over there with ice in her veins.  

Yep.  I think the dude just got one of the most gruesome deaths in a while.  Yuck.  

I think Alden’s faith in Maggie definitely took several hits.  I feel like he kind of had her on some sort of pedestal dating back to Hilltop times.  Father G, though?  The man is continuing to show himself a SAVAGE MFer.  

Josh gives Eugene such believable tics and mannerisms.  He IS Eugene.  

Thank you, Maggie, for lighting that flare.  I could not see a damn thing.  

What are these bad memories Negan alludes to?  Hmm?  Him being a shit husband to Lucille back when he was still taking her for granted?  

Father G on Gage’s Walker--”All that is, is a shell of a man, who died a coward.”  Kind of ironic considering Father G’s own origins, huh?  Has he any warmth in there for anybody but Rosita and Coco?  Does he equate it with weakness?  

“There are worse ways.”  And Maggie proceeds to paint us a horror story with mere words.  

Dark Maggie really surpasses anything certain fans have ever accused Carol of being.  Is she too far gone?  Who the hell knows?  I think it’s clear that she and Carol are both on a sliding scale of sorts when it comes to being able to compartmentalize shit to survive.  Personally?  I feel like Maggie might have leap-frogged Carol in this episode but it matters none because of the double standards so deeply entrenched in this fandom.  Both women have endured and had to do some horrific things.  It’s not a contest.  But it’s probably going to be turned into a season-long one.  

It’s almost like Kang was like, “Ya’ll bitches think Carol’s dark?  I’ll show you DARK.  Check and mate.”  

Whatever the reasoning, Maggie just got exponentially more interesting to me if not likable.  And before anybody out there comes at me, it’s entirely possible to be on a character’s side in some things and not be all up their ass in love with them, lol.  Like I’m attached to her because she’s family and Glenn loved her.  There’s a loyalty there and she absolutely is justified in her hatred of Negan.  But I’m not going to pretend her shit don’t stink like everybody else’s.  

Speaking of my baby Glenn.  What would he think of this version of Maggie?  I think he would be gutted and heart stricken that events led to her being like this but he’d understand because he’s pure like that.  Don’t mean he’d be A-OK with it all.  

Dog must be protected at all costs.  

Confession.  I know not the fuck who Pony Boy is, but I know him because all my fandom friends have pointed him out to me, lol.  RIP, Man.  I think you’re number’s up or close to it.  

Okay, though.  I admit it.  I am kinda LOVING Badass Father G.  

That scene in the subway car with all of them working to take all the Walkers out was already badass.  Then Daryl arrived and made it, in @freefromthecocoon’s words, HAWT.  LOL.  

Eugene staring at that little black book like it contains torture tools, hehehe.  

“Processed?  As in administratively?  Processed as in bologna or other meat stuffs?  This inquiring (enquiring?) mind needs to know.”  OMG, Eugene.  I admit it.  Even if it makes me look like a lunatic, LOL.  I straight up LMAO at that one.  I mean, ten years later and Terminus still fresh on the man’s mind.  

“You like feeling nervous?”  Well, no.  None of us that do, Mercer?  Do.  

Then he proceeds to make me howl with his “You can’t lie for shit” to Eugene.  

Josh McDermitt?  I love you, Man.  40 year old virgin, LOL.  

All this talk over the seasons of Daryl’s virginity and we have Eugene, hahaha.  But was he telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?  

Finally.  Some daylight.  Where I can see.  

Eugene’s relief at seeing his friends safe and sound was such a beautiful thing to see.  I loved those hugs.  

Mercer’s face when he snarled “beat cop” in disdain to Ezekiel.  I think I’m gonna love this dude.  

“I went to West Point.  Asshole.”  Yeah.  I am.  

I know they probably catfishing Eugene right here because spoilers tell us that ain’t Stephanie.  But my heart still did a little d’aww.  Angela.  Don’t play with his poor heart like that.  

What’s got Daryl so pensive, huh?  Is it that the note reminds him of kids being lost or taken from their family? Or separated from their family?  Is he thinking of those Grimes babies and wondering if Michonne will ever make it back and why and how she was able to leave them behind?  Tell me it ain’t that Find Me nonsense.  

“This place sure has gone to shit since the last time I was here.”  LMAO, JDM.  I mean Negan.  Sorry.  Sorry.  I still hate Negan, but JDM has me entertained at least since they gave the asshole some shades of gray.  And speaking of shades of gray.  I’m loving the gray beard.  JDM’s looking GOOD (hear that NR?  Embrace the gray).  Negan can still kick rocks, lol.  

Anyway.  That scene was CREEPY AF.  Not even gonna lie.  

The Reapers strutting right on up to our group like it’s The Purge:  ZA.  

My bad, Pony Boy. Now RIP.  

Dark, dark episode with loads of tension broken up by some welcome humor by Princess.  The girl is fast becoming a fave of mine.  

My baby’s back next week!!!

I’m just going to plug my ears and pretend they’re trying to capture/recapture the horses because they’re pets.  Not because they’re starving so bad they feel the need to eat them.  La la la la la.  I can’t hear you.  

[birdy-bat-writes]

Damian Wayne - Civilian crime solver

Request: Could you do headcanons or a scenario about Damian with a friend or s/o that is really into mysteries and goes around investigating cases even though they're really in over their head? Bonus points for shenanigans. Thank you!

Of course, amazing Anon! Great suggestion! And hey, why do friends or lovers when we can do both?? ;) I hope you enjoy this!

A/N: Um… My Headcanons are basically just fanfictions with sentences that don’t flow into paragraphs. I split it into 2 parts. I Really liked writing this one though. I love Damian. This one came out kinda angsty though, sorry about that. But it has a sweet ending.

Part 2 here

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-       You met Damian when you both were in the sixth grade. He was quite the indignant 11-year-old. Unfortunately for you, this fellow was your lab partner for the year.

-       You noticed his distaste for most people, but he didn’t have it with you. You couldn’t have known at the time, but the reason for that was that you were the only person in the room Damian saw as someone of equal intellect. It was the way you were organized and level-headed. You were independent and self-sufficient.

-       Truth be told, the only major difference between your mindsets was that you weren’t as cocky.

-       Made sense though, since your mother was an environmental toxicologist. Your home was pretty full of science equipment since you could remember. You were always curious as a child, and of course your proud mother encouraged it and taught you bit-by-bit how to use the tools. You idolized her and your father, who passed away when you were younger.

-       Over the course of your partnership with Damian, you grew to tolerate each other, and then even enjoy each other’s company. By the time You were both 12, you had a pretty solid friendship.

-       You discovered this when he invited you over to his house for his birthday and his family nearly choked, had a stroke, or checked if you were a robot. He had to explain to you that he didn’t bring friends over very often.

-       “I made an exception for you because you are far closer to me than anyone else and I enjoy your company.”

-       You guys hang out all the time now and talk about personal stuff and just joke about things. It makes you really happy when Damian laughs. He often found himself thinking about how much more often he’s been doing it since he met you.

-       “Hey, what do you want to be when you grow up, Dames?”

-       “Well, I’d like to follow in my father’s footsteps.” You assumed that meant running Wayne Enterprises. You were half right.

-       “I want to be a detective.”

-       “Really?”

-       “Yeah, like my dad was.”

-       “He’d be proud of you.”

-       You had a love for forensics and special permission from your chemistry teacher to use the advanced chem lab after school. You were her TA after all, and Damian used that time to sit with you and chat while you worked.

-       “Y/N, what are you analyzing?”

-       “Um… It’s a mud sample.”

-       “From?

-       “The Gotham botanical gardens.”

-       “Why?” Why are you analyzing dirt from Poison Ivy’s crime scene from last night?

-       “Promise you won’t freak out?” He nodded. “I heard on the news that Poison Ivy was using monster plants to terrorize people. And they looked kind of like yellow trumpet vines you find a in the Gotham gardens. I was just checking the dirt for any chemicals that could have altered the plant growth.”

-       Damian was stunned and speechless. Something he experienced rarely, if ever. “Y/N, messing with this stuff is dangerous. maybe you should let Batman and the GCPD handle this.”

-       “Come on, Dami. Please don’t say that. I want to do this; I want to help people. If I figure this out first, I can tell the GCPD.”

-       “I’m just worried for your safety.” He couldn’t deny that your work was brilliant, but he couldn’t let you put yourself in harm’s way either.

-       “I’ll be safe, I promise.”

-       He ultimately told you it was alright with him if you were careful. What he meant by that was that he was going to spy on you and keep you away from any and everything that was dangerous.

-       Robin would follow you to your house from the shadows to make sure you got home safe and Damian would check in with you on your files. As your determination to solve cases increased, his desire to ask you why increased as well.

-       “I just think it’s fun, Damian.” Wow you were a bad liar.

-       “There’s more to it.”

-       “What?”

-       “Why are you actually doing this?”

-       “Because I want to.” You were sterner this time. Damian noticed and decided to drop it for now. He offered to walk you home like he usually did but you declined.

-       That night, you decided to investigate a lead you didn’t tell Damian about. It led you an abandoned building in old Gotham. You were scanning the second floor for anything out of the ordinary until you heard a voice approaching from the corner.

-       You ran into the nearest room and hid. The voices were getting closer. “Falcone wants this job done tonight. Don’t f*** up.” You were terrified.

-       Suddenly, your mouth was covered by a green gloved hand. You wanted to yell but you heard him shush you. You turned quietly to meet eyes with a domino mask. It was Robin. You didn’t have enough time to process everything that happened but at the end of it all you ended up on the sidewalk next to an ambulance and police cars.

-       Deciding you had enough for one day, you headed home.

-       The next day at school you seemed quiet and so did Damian. At the end, you walked over to Damian to ask if he wanted to hang out.

-       “Not at the lab.”

-       “Okay… we can watch a movie if you want.”

-       “Alright.”

-       “Cool. I’ll just go get my stuff.” He saw you walking in the direction of the lab and something sparked in him. He stopped you.

-       “I’ll get it.”

-       “What? I can get it. It’s fine.”

-       “Just stay here, Y/N.” He was a bit too curt for your liking.

-       “Don’t tell me what to do.”

-       “Just listen to me for once.”

-       “Why are you being like this?!”

-       It turned into a yelling match. Damian’s emotions got the better of him and it ended with a “You could have died last night!”

-       Tip of the hat to him *clap* *clap*. That’s how you found out he was Robin.

-       It made sense really. You shared a heartfelt conversation about how he trusted you but he didn’t want you getting hurt. He knew what it was like out there and he couldn’t stand the thought of anything happening to you.

-       You promised to keep his secret and he made a compromise with you; you could help him with forensics for his cases with Batman as long as you never went out into the field.

-       Then you went an watched the movie you wanted to.

-       “Hey Dames, I need to tell you something.” He turned his head to you. “You had asked earlier why I was so obsessed with the cases… my dad died investigating Falcone’s drug cartel. I guess got a bit too into it… I just thought you deserved to know.” You shared a look of sympathy and for the first time in your friendship, he hugged you. It held for a while, but it wasn’t awkward, just comforting, as if you both said that you were there for each other.

-       Skip to the point where your working with him and Batman was normal. Well… as normal as it could get. You and Damian blew the Batcave circuit breaker. Twice.

-       You would always get results before Bruce managed to figure out how. Tim liked you specifically because you could make Bruce look very confused.

-       You and Damian would pass notes in class in code about new information from cases. It started to make people gossip about you two. It didn’t help that you both always stayed back late together and showed up to class alone, before anyone else.

-       It began to scare people because Damian doesn’t bother to spend time with other humans but with you, he like?? Willingly?? Does it??

-       You would work late nights with the boys and keep track of how much sleep they each were getting. If anyone fell too short, you sent them up to bed. It actually backfired on you once because you were very sleep-deprived and didn’t want to admit it, so Jason picked you up and dragged you to your room in the manor while Tim and Dick smiled cheekily. “Oh, how the turntables.” ;D

-       Damian would sleep when you forced him, but he would still have his days. He believed he was above sleeping???

-       This boy refuses to admit he’s tired. Even when he looks like a jittery racoon. So, you bring him hot chocolate in the mornings, (courtesy of Alfred) with a hint of a lot of caffeine (courtesy of Tim).

-       Ever since you started spending so much time at the manor, you got much closer with Damian and his brothers. You felt a sense of family and care there.

-       Your favorite nights were the ones where your mom would let you sleep over and you would stay late in the cave working with Damian. The serenity of the cave and the faint glow of the computers always made it feel like some alternate plane of existence.

-       “Alright, Sherlock, you’ve been obsessed with this case for three days now. Let the computers do their work and take a nap.”

-       “Dami, I’m too ‘thinky’ to sleep.”

-       “’Thinky’?” you nodded and giggled at your superior use of vocabulary. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

-       You detected a hint of mischief in his voice and followed him up the cave staircase to the top of a ledge. He pulled a rope ladder out from behind the ledge and gestured for you to climb it.

-       You glanced at him once before hoisting yourself up and climbing onto the rocky surface. You looked up and the sight took your breath away. The ledge was a flat floor of the cave that overlooked the waterfall from the inside. If you looked down, you could see the dancing currents on the lower levels of the cave. The air was misty and cool, and you honestly had no idea that there was a view like this anywhere in the manor.

-       “You like it?”

-       “Its so beautiful.” You said, your voice full of awe. Damian sat down on the floor, against the cave wall and patted the ground next to him. He wanted to say something. Just regular makings of conversation, like the ones you always had. This time, for the first time, he felt like he didn’t know what to say to you, so opted to look at you.

-       The way the water reflected light on the cave walls made patterns of hazy light. The glow hit your skin and made your eyes sparkle. For the first time since he had met you, Damian saw you in a completely new way. He didn’t understand it, but he wasn’t opposed to it either.

-       You broke the silence with, “You know, ever since I met you, and your family, I’ve never been happier.”

-       You looked back at him. Something about the way he looked at you made you feel butterflies and fireworks all at once.

[bunnieresources]

paper mario: the origami king sentence starters.

“ ok. i don’t like that. “

“ don’t worry. i know just what to do in situations like this. you just gotta find ____, right ____? ...oh. “

“ wrong answer. right answer. it matters not. your replies are all paper thin. “

“ always gotta make a flashy entrance, huh? “

“ i’m not sure if i should be amazed or scared, but i’m kind of both? “

“ what a beautiful day. i feel like nothing bad could happen here. unrelated, i have amnesia. “

“ yeah... i’m just gonna play it safe and stay here forever-ish. “

“ if there are some snacks, you gotta give me some. finder’s fee. “

“ my therapist says i’m a contrarian, but i don’t agree. “

“ i can’t keep this up forever, but i’m gonna try... who knew frolicking could be so exhausting? “

“ okay, that’s probably enough... for you! i’ll never get enough! “

“ do you have any idea how deficient i am in vitamin d right now? i’m gonna stand here until i get enough! “

“ who am i kidding? you’re ____! you can do it. “

“ uhhh... tell me, ____. is this what doors normally look like? it isn’t right? "

“ i didn’t do it! ...all right, it was probably me. “

“ how do i look? powerful? imposing? magnificent? maybe even a little cute? “

“ why didn’t anyone tell me that the world could be so wonderful?! “

“ you know that memory loss thing? what’s it called... ambrosia? amnesty? thinky thinky panic? “

“ i could learn a lot from you. master and pupil! hero and sidekick! fate must’ve brought us together. you can’t deny fate... right? “

“ the amnesia must’ve sapped up your memories AND your brainpower. how cruel... “

“ this world is so big, ____... but i understand so little of it. “

“ having buddies is pretty cool so far. i’d definitely recommend it. “

“ i promise! i’d even pinky swear, if i had a pinky. “

“ i wonder why leaves turn red in the fall. do you think they’re embarrassed? “

“ could you read my thoughts? are you... reading them now? please don’t. “

“ that has to be it, right? wow, i’m cute AND clever! “

“ did you SEE that? did you see ME? i hope that looked as cool as it felt! “

“ whoa, ____! you’re out of control... in the best way possible! “

“ did it work?! i closed my eyes. "

" i was just taking a little cat nap. don't mind me. "

" i've been watching over this area for hours! nothing slips past me... even though my eyesight is awful. "

" i have achieved total serenity. my feet... are asleep. "

" this tea is so bitter. blech. should have gotten a soda like i usually do. "

" okay, so... i'm clearly bad at this. "

" wow. you really, really need to get out more. "

" somebody! anybody! preferably ____, if possible! save me! "

" it was dark and scary, but at NO point did i sob fully and uncontrollably. any fibs stating otherwise are just that! dirty, mutinous fibs! "

" can't move forward if you don’t know which way you're going... i read that on a twist off cap once. that bottle of juice was so wise... "

" if i can save a friend like this, it means i've finally become the sort of person i always wanted to be. "

" you watch, i'm gonna touch my toes one of these years! "

" wow, look at this! the lights! the sights! it's all so bright! what a night! i'm a poet, right? "

" ...don't you dare say 'i told you so.' "

" brooooo... i'm vibing so hard with this music. it's like i'm totally oblivious to everything else. "

" i'm incapable of embarrassment! "

" aw, who am i kidding... this isn't good! "

" i never gave up hope. not even when you passed by without seeing me 347 times. "

" is everything just, like, flashing green and purple in front of your eyes, or is it just me? "

" well, that was quite lively! i might have even tapped a toe or two. "

" unrelated... have i mentioned that i have a deep and debilitating fear of fire? "

" oh, uh... thank you for taking care of that. i would have helped, of course, but i'm literally terrified of my own shadow. "

" oh, man... why'd you have to harsh my groove? we had it bumpin' in here! "

" aww, you guys found each other. and now you're parading around in your weird hats. good for you. "

" don't you just love it? you love it. i can tell. "

" whoa! this looks bad! hang on, friend! i'm comin'! "

" are we about to fight? because i'm always ready. let's go! "

" do we get to fight someone? i haven't fought anyone in over an hour! "

" my work is finally complete. so... now what? i guess i could... find a new hobby? maybe i'll learn how to fold origami... "

" don't make a big deal out of it. i'm not used to receiving praise for a job well done... "

" i still hear screaming, but i'm pretty sure it's just in my own head. "

" hmm? oh, i'm not stranded here. i was just taking it all in... "

" wait, this doesn't feel right. i've never had anyone just take my advice outright. now i'm nervous! "

" what is that noise?! this is my first time in a jungle... are mysterious crashing noises good? "

" when this is all over, i'm buying a boat. call it a midlife crisis if you must. "

" eeee! look at that terrible thing! actually, i can't even look. it's too scary! "

" hey! what's the big idea, running away like that? you could've at least warned me! "

" all right, ____. i trust you can handle this. if you need me, i'll be quivering off to the side somewhere... "

" i'm going in─just try and stop me! "

" at the end of the day, i am but a humble servant who is overlooked by always correct... "

" something's in there, ____! i can hear it moaning like a ghost. maybe it IS a ghost! i don't think i can meet a ghost right now. maybe another time, over coffee... "

" they're gonna write a book about this, and then probably a movie that everyone will hate. "

" wow! this is... it's... it's really something! ...what is it we're looking at? "

" this is a magic broom. it's not for sweeping. although... i do already see a few dusty areas that could use some attention. excuse me... "

" do whatever you need to prepare yourself. i'm told some anti-nausea medicine may be in order. "

" i just became so blinded by rage. i did so many unforgivable things... "

" you were so brave to do what you did. we owe you everything. "

[willowaudreykeyes]

Okay: I’ve watched it 4 times and here’s the things about the episode that I find interesting. Or that I’m looking too much into. You guys can all decide because idk.

- Roman seems to make alliterations when he's shocked? He's done it before, but now he's done it again and when he's surprised that Thomas 'lied' or 'tricked' the ticket person.

- Virgil has resting disappointed face even as he eats popcorn.

- Roman is very dramatic about the age thing. "He's in his thirties, he may as well be in his sixties." "Can't think of new excuses quick enough in his old age."

- "I love you" is very big words. Do not use them, or forget them, lightly around Virgil.

- Have they always been on his back so much about lying, or was it only after Janus was introduced?

- Possibility: Romans eyes actually change into hearts when cute guy appears?

- Also: Roman goes into Shakespearean when cute guy appears.

- Roman is so optimistic when it comes to love! But not about other Sides? He's rather pessimistic when it came to Virge (at the beginning) and Janus. And kinda Remus too.

- Roman has used "We don't know if he's not gay" more times then the three can count.

- Pins equals introverts way of talking apparently. I guess that makes sense, since there’s pins for almost every kind of hobby, and Virgil knows this too.

- Roman sounds rather happy when they found out that Nico likes Paramore. Supporting his emo friend and his hobbies right there.

- “The Nightmare Before Christmas” is and will always be a Prinxiety thing. Did you see those star eyes Roman gave? And how happy-surprised Virge was?

- Virgil does think about romance too. “You can live like Jack and Sally, if you want.” Kind of cute.

- Virgil has eyes like a damn hawk. He saw those pins and went full on x10 zoom on them.

- Roman’s got some adorable music happening when more clues appear.

- Sticker/Button System must be followed or Virge no happy.

- Roman is almost as good as Patton with puns, except he has to explain it. Has he done that before? I feel like he has. I feel like this is a thing but I’m not sure.

- Roman and Virgil have about the same wavelength when it came to the creepy stalking-ish part. They both cringe when Thomas goes off to the side.

- If you use a word at the end of a sentence that sounds like a name at Roman, he thinks you got his name wrong. He did it at some other point I can’t remember when but he does this. Kind of feels like a autism and/or ADHD trait? (I know I for sure get confused sometimes)

- “Great... he’s gay” “Great indeed...” “GREAT INDEED” I love them. Just gonna say that again.

- Roman has this big thing about his name and it doesn’t seem like its a thing he’s faking? He seems genuinely confused. The one that’s two above mentions it, and the way he spelt it at the trial? And how he seemed very defensive when Janus spelt it wrong? This is a thing.

- Virgil is a self-proclaimed expert of anti-social etiquette and I say he deserves that title. 

- Virgil also really likes non-verbal ways of communicating. 

- Roman does the thing where you put your two pointer fingers together and its adorable.

- Fast head nod of agreement coming from Roman here. Over dramticness? Or actual quirk?

- Roman very much freaks out when flirting goes wrong. Not just a Virgil thing. 

- Virgil be scaring Thomas with zero regrets when he lost his test that the Universe gave him.

- Virgil be very glad to admit when he’s panicking. He also has admitted when he’s anxious in the past. He knows it, acknowledges it, makes Thomas and the others deal with it because dealing with it isn’t in the job description.

- Roman’s fine with compromise! Virgil gives an idea that attempts to help the romance part, Roman’s not 100% happy but rolls with it. Besties right here (even if they don’t know it). He does have a limit though.

- Nicknames are forever with Roman.

- Virgil is on Thomas’ left side, the more ‘thinky’ side of the brain. Roman is on the right, the more ‘feely’ side of the brain. It’s kind of more obvious in the scene where they grab Thomas a lot.

- Roman really slips with his feelings when he’s stressed. He says stuff that’s usually more about his self-worth. “You’re making a mistake.” “If I am, I’ll add it to the list.” That was said under a lot of stress and frustration. He’s done it before and he’s done it again; except now they don’t address it and it’s just a passing sentence.

- pLaNt

- Virgil would rather embarrass Thomas by making him talk to a stranger, instead of the guy that he thinks is cute? I mean, its very embarrassing by the end of it and Virge barely seems affected by it.

- And now Virgil is compromising. He works with Roman to make sure that Thomas looks okay (the “check your teeth” line).

- idk wtf the sty’s thing is about. Weirdly placed anxiety over it? Or something?

- Roman is very impulsive and basically throws Thomas into the trash can when a bad thing happens in front of a lot of people. Ego was definitely hurt there. Why hide instead of run away? Did Virgil sorta influence that?

- Plans help anxiety. Pretty sure they’ve covered that topic before, but lets just do a recap in this I guess.

- Virgil is half the people on this platform “Cyberstalking... but real life”. I mean, everyone makes a metaphor that has an actual word behind it sometimes. 

- “Try Speaking from the heart” ... I expected Patton, but there has been moments before where a Side who is expected to be there, isn’t there. Logan showed this in “Moving On” when he physically left but he never REALLY left. Patton showing up to add his own words to this may have been too much for him? Or he thought it would be for the others?

- Ah crap here’s the monologue-

- First off, it’s very honest. Full on honesty. With no holding back. And it really hit the feels; but is it realistic though? (Genuinely asking I’ve never been in that kind of situation)

- Very rambly too “I honestly don’t know what I’m doing at the mall today. I don’t know what I was looking for... I guess that answers my question- The mall is where you go when you want something but you don’t know what it is because the mall has everything.” Very rambly, very nervous, very honest.

- Roman and Virgil are very... in awe? Shocked? What is this? Roman looks so contemplative as he looks at himself in the mirror and I wanna be in his brain and know what he’s thinking.

- “I don’t know a lot about anything. Least of all, myself.” Okay, Janus just pulled all the way away for a full minute and forty-eight seconds (this is 99% accurate) to just let Thomas talk and feel didn’t he? This is just complete honesty.

- Anyone would be awkward with the guy coming out of that stall. I’m awkward thinking about it and seeing it again. Moving on-

- “I gotta stop wooing strangers in bathrooms” just a 3000 word fic of at least one other time that he’s done this and I will be yours forever

- Virgil is a dramatic emo who dislikes lying. Crossed arms, waiting outside for him, looks up when he says “you know what I meant”- They’re all part of an actor your at least a LITTLE dramatic.

- Virgil has a big thing about lies and relationships. This has to do with him and Janus’ relationship somehow- It’s about Thomas’ relationships with friends and his romantic life too. He didn’t seem as annoyed about them in the ‘Lies’ song way back when which didn’t mention lying about any type of relationship.

- “Can’t have true love if the relationship isn’t built on truth.” Is this what he was thinking about in the bathroom? Its a cute line either way. 

- Okay, Roman and Janus have some kind of... something. Cause a lot of Roman’s talks about his goals for Thomas pushes Thomas into relying on Janus until Roman realises that it’s morally bad OR (as seen in the talk after the bathroom scene) when he realises that it’ll be bad for Thomas in the long run.

- “Will (D)deceit continue to be the answer to all of your problems? Is that fair to him?” HIM WHO!? Janus or Nico!? Both!? AHHHH! This could mean so much in any direction you throw it but I can’t find the dang words!! “No, he’s better off without me.” This could just be Thomas misunderstanding the ‘him’ Virgil means too or he does understand idk-

- “I was afraid you left!” *INSERT TWO SIDES SCREAMING HERE* Hahaha he’s literally screaming on the inside omg-

- “He fears things too!?” Virgil doesn’t understand how people work when he’s worked up. Duly noted.

- Roman and Virgil equals A Gay Panic

- Thomas’ first thought when panicked is to ask the guy, that he thinks is cute and has been trying to get the attention of for the last while, ‘what is wrong with you?’ ... 10/10 Thomathy

-  .Roman seems... a little resigned that another ‘chance at happiness’ is walking away? I mean, he’s super sad but resigned to his fate. That’s sad as hell. He’s USED TO THIS and I don’t like that 😢

- Virgil’s scene where he looks between, NOT Thomas, but Nico and Roman, is really well done and filled with... a lot. He psyches himself up first of, taking in quick breaths before pushing Thomas, obviously afraid but still doing it anyway. And the look he gives a very resigned Roman looks like its both guilt and sadness. Could just be me thinking that he has a ‘this is my fault’ thing.

- Full on surprise on Roman’s face when Virgil pushes Thomas. No one was expecting that.

- Carrots. The carrots brought them together. Thomas... you don’t have to eat carrots, but at least say ONCE that they aren’t all bad.

- “I like songs” you’ve also written some and sung x5 as many but okay, go with that I guess. (Is this to not brag about being a singer right away? I guess so?)

- If Nico was writing about something that happened midway through his visit to the food court, what was he writing about before that? Did he have nothing until Thomas tripped over the bin?

- “I tend to waste a lot of opportunities in my life” Then cuts to Virgil. Ouch. Direct hit on Virge...

- BRAVERY. (i’ll get back to this-)

- “Shut up, emo.” No complicated nicknames; just the easy picking. Very cute. Very yes. Roman your a sap and its great.

- When Thomas is telling Roman to ‘get out’, he sinks down and is he biting his thumb? He’s still excited. And I’m adding ‘biting’ to his list of stims.

- Virgil claps his hands.  Roman and Virgil both cover their mouths. Both yell. Manic hand movements. Virgil gets Thomas to walks around and flappy hands. (And the nervous pee too I guess?)

- OKAY. EYESHADOW. Big thing, also new. I believe that it may be him ‘growing’ as a Side. First, he believed that he was JUST Thomas’ anxiety. Then comes to term with being more then that, which helps him become a ‘Light Side’. And now, he’s learnt that ‘fear’ and ‘bravery’ can both be present at the same time and is now growing from that as well. So, his back and forth between black and purple could mean a back and forth of the ‘fear’ and ‘bravery’ aspects. Thomas about to send a bad tweet? Black. Optimistic about things ‘never being the same again’? Purple. Thomas bringing up that they just met? Black. Its a promising start? Purple again.  Purple when something optimistic, its purple. Pessimistic, its black. There’s a thing happening there.

- And also, lots of smiley Virgil when he goes purple. Brave enough to smile? Or optimistic enough to be truly happy about it?

- “Join me! No thinking!” Okay, all the ‘Roman Himbo’ stans have already gone nuts over this so I’ll keep going XD

- Roman’s first date idea is to go to France immediately and I love him for being so honestly over-the-top

- Dogs are the demons of anxiety its now a fact. They even bring out the Tempest Tongue, despite hearing the dog “thirty times a day”.

- Do not tell Virgil to relax. Black eyeshadow. Very on brand tbh. He does not relax and you should know this by now Roman.

All in all; I love them and the entire episode ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜

[sabraeal]

Hypewired Unsolved Drinking Game, Rule #2: Shirayuki Despairs Over Obi’s Life Choices

Rule #1

Written for @ruleofexception on the occasion of her BIRTH. I thought this would be more ghost hunting and less metrics, but I should have known I couldn’t resist a premise-building chapter.

[Shirayuki] Have you ever heard of the Gardner Museum Heist?

[Obi] Oohhh.

[Shirayuki] *laughs* What was that?

[Obi] Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just... I love heists.

[Shirayuki] You love heists? *laughs* No, I take it back, that doesn’t surprise me at all.

[Obi] *laughs* Come on, who doesn’t love a good heist?

[Shirayuki] This one *is* known as the biggest art heist of its kind.

[Obi] Oh ho ho ho. You’re saying all the right things to me.

The thing about haunted houses-- the real kind, not the ones that hire teenagers to wear stage make up and hold fake chainsaws-- is that they’re hard to book.

“Oh, in my hometown, they hired ex-convicts,” Obi says in the same casual way he says anything vaguely terrifying about his childhood, “and they gave them real, working chainsaws.”

Her jaw drops, face still plastered to her phone’s screen. Soft jazz worms into her ear. “That can’t be true. That has to be a-- a rumor or something.”

“Nah, nah, the farm had a work program with the local prison. I think sometimes they did seasonal work too?” He shrugs. “I don’t know. But it definitely made the hayride more popular. Gave it a real element of danger, you know?”

Shirayuki stares. “And they gave them real chainsaws?”

“Well, they only revved them a little.” He twitches his shoulder, as much of a shrug as he ever gives. “One time a guy hopped on the cart and chopped the bale next to me, but I mean, I probably deserved that.”

She might be sitting down, but oh, she could really do to sit down again. Harder. Mentally. Emotionally. “And you’re sure these were ex-convicts?”

“Yeah, probably.” Not an endorsement ringing with confidence. “I mean, I’m sure they were in for non-violent crimes, at least.”

There are two wolves inside of her, and one of them is pleased to hear about a local business working to place disadvantaged community members, and the other-- well, the other thinks that maybe everyone should be a little more solid on the whole non-violent convictions than they are.

Before she has the chance to suggest it, the phone clicks, and a pleasant female voice says, “Hill House, Donna speaking, how may I help you?”

“Oh, hi, yes,” she fumbles, “I’m Shirayuki calling from Hypewire. We would like to talk about booking your location.”

“Hypewire?” Donna pauses, the good long kind that means she’s probably from a generation that prefers to read its news on paper, and not from a website that has an option to react with emojis. “Oh, did you want to do an article on the house?”

“Ah, something like that.” Obi arches a brow, lips twitching as he crams another Funyon between them. He’s far too distracting to have around while she needs to have thinky thoughts, especially if he’s going to make faces at her. “I’m the producer of Hyperwire Unsolved, and we were wondering if we could possibly do a, ah--” she coughs-- “an investigation? Of the house? For the show?”

“Oh, Hypewire Unsolved!” The woman laughs. “My nephew loves you guys. But don’t you do true crime?”

[Sender]: sales@winchesterhouse.com [Recipients]: s.lyon@hypewire.com [Subject]: Re: Episode Filming

Thank you for your interest in our venue for an episode. Some of our interns are big fans of your show! However, we have to admit some confusion, as we were under the impression you were a true crime show…

“How’d they get that impression?” Higata grunts, hunching further over his keyboard. His screen in the only light in the editing bay, castling a ghastly glow over his face. “The art department just sent me six different aliens to pick from for the Roswell episode, and now we’re Serial? Come on.”

Shirayuki sighs. “I know. But it seems our more popular episodes are the ones about collar bombers and serial murderers. At least by the metrics”

Higata might only be twenty-six, but he’d be right at home at the VA buffet with the way he grumbles. “You know His Highness over there was talking to me about making true crime and supernatural separate seasons. Something about...keeping views and organizational groups or something.”

“Huh.” She sits back, nibbling on her lip. “It would certainly give me more of a focus each season. What do you think?”

“I guess it’s fine. Two editing credits for my resume for one show’s work is a good deal.” He overlays a shadowy police sketch into the video, shoulders rounded and tense. “What do I know? I just sit in the dark and pick which ghostly visage I want to layer over your audio.”

She leans in with her sunniest smile, squeezing his arm right above the elbow. “And you’re so good at it!”

“I am.” He’s too much of a professional to look away from his work, shifting the same image three pixels over and then three pixels back, but his bicep relaxes beneath her grip. “I am a top tier spooky face picker. All the commenters say so.”

She blinks. “Oh? They do?”

Higata twists in his seat, gaze somehow even more incredulous in the lack of light. “No, Shirayuki, they don’t. But they should.” He gestures to the screen vaguely. “They mostly just talk about how much they want to fuck Obi.”

“OH.” There’s some information she really, really didn’t need. “That’s um, ah--”

“Your job, according to roughly half our fan base.” His mouth hooks into a grin she does not enjoy. “What do you say, Lyon? I think we could break the bank if you kissed him once on camera.”

“I-- I mean--” it’s a ridiculous request, clearly a joke, but her heart is pounding so loud in her ears she can’t hear her own thoughts-- “that’s not really w-what the show is about.”

Higata laughs. “That’s what you think.”

“What does who think?”

Shirayuki jumps straight out of her chair.

It’s not an exaggeration; there’s literal air between her butt and the seat, and when she lands again, the soft cushion makes the most obvious whoosh noise in existence, only worse, since it’s slow too. No obnoxious whoopee cushion womp, oh no, just an endless, air pump whoosssssshhhhhh that’s as blatant as a rattlesnake in the silence.

“Obi!” His lean shadow fills the doorway—wow, is he actually that tall?—and his head tilts, just enough so that his eyes shimmer gold. “I—nothing! We were, um, nothing?”

“We were talking about true crime,” Higata supplies, darting her a pitying look, “and how that’s what everyone thinks we are. Winchester House just emailed back.”

Obi grimaces, teeth flashing white in the dark. “Ah, great. Another one of those.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, deflating into a slouch. “I could talk about Big Foot until I’m blue in the face, but everyone thinks I have nuanced opinions about Jeffrey Dahmer.”

One narrow brow arches toward his hairline. “But you do have nuanced opinions about Jeffrey Dahmer.”

“I just think animal mutilation is probably a sign things aren’t going right in your life and someone should have noticed.” She waves her hands, at a loss. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to explore a supposedly haunted house.”

His lips twitch, right at one corner. “For a skeptic, you’re really into the idea you could see a ghost.”

“Stories are part of the human experience,” she explains primly. “We use them to understand what feels inexplicable. And ghosts are part of how we compartmentalize death.”

“Or they are the remnants of people who died too soon.” Obi pushes himself off the jamb, sauntering over to where they sit. “Or whatever bad juju is left by human misery—hey, that’s a sweet mugshot. Who’s it supposed to be?”

Higata squints. “I keep thinking it might be Shiira? But the cheeks are all wrong.”

“Huh.” Obi leans between the two of them, nose hovering mere inches away from the screen. His arm presses into her shoulder, too warm. “Brecker.”

“Brecker?” Higata tilts his head. “Oh yeah, I see it now. He’s not gonna like that.”

He huffs out a laugh. “Good thing he doesn’t watch joyless tripe like Unsolved then.”

“Yeah.” Higata snickers, raising the opacity. “Good thing.”

Obi settles back on his heels, hand gripping the back of her chair. She dares a glance up, and there he is, watching her with one of those looks she doesn’t know how to read. “Don’t worry, Lyon,” he says, thumb rubbing at the plastic back. “The season’s only just started. Give it some time.”

“I’d love to,” she mutters, tilting her head back, resting it on his wrist. “But try explaining that to Izana.”

[Obi] I’m just saying, there’s no sexier crime than a heist. ...Well, I mean, that doesn’t involve actual sex.

[Shirayuki] *wheeze*

[Obi] You know what I mean.

[Shirayuki] Do I? Am I finding out too much about you right now? Is this how you get seduced at parties? Girls just cornering you and telling you about high-profile robberies?

[Obi] *laughs* This is absolutely not how I get seduced at parties. Unless you’d like to try...?

[Shirayuki] . . .

[Obi] Besides, it’s not like this is just a regular robbery. Heists don’t happen to normal people. Just the rich ones.

[Shirayuki] Well, this *is* a museum. It’s for learning purposes.

[Obi] Oh, like all that stuff actually *belongs* to a museum anyway.

[Shirayuki] Actually...this time it does!

[Obi] Wow, now there’s a mystery I want to investigate.

“We want to capitalize on the energy from this season.”

Izana isn’t a man who lounges; his mesh office chair is relentlessly ergonomic, only a few aggressively rolled lumbar supports away from a torture device. But still, he gives off the energy of a cat lazing in a sunspot, already gotten into the cream.

“Unsolved has always had excellent metrics, but since the premier--” he glances pointedly at Obi-- “they’re unparalleled by any other digital media Wisteria has put out on any of its platforms.”

Obi sprawls in one of the wire-frame chairs Izana has out, far too big for its delicate frame, every inch of him as still as the grave. Except for his one, bouncing knee, practically vibrating as he asks, “That’s...good right?”

“Very good.” Shirayuki may not be a metrics person, but working with Zen gave her more than a passing acquaintance with what success sounds like. “I think he’s telling us...we’re his cash cow.”

Izana’s lips lift into a smirk. “Just so. You’re more popular than Stand the Heat, and that’s saying something.”

It is saying something-- Obi’s show consistently has the most hits and the highest likes-to-views ratio. It’s been the backbone of Hypewire’s digital media section since it premiered last year, and now-- now Unsolved has passed it. If the graph Izana’s laid out is right, they’ve passed it by...a lot.

Shirayuki sneaks a glance at Obi as he leans over, taking in the numbers. She can’t move, can’t even breathe as he stares, eyes rounding as he understands what’s happening.

He rips the paper off the desk, shaking it at her. “Do you see this?”

She blinks. “Y-yes?”

His mouth breaks into a grin, like a Labrador who has found a particularly giant stick. “We’re awesome.”

“Oh,” she breathes, and wow, this is really not the time to think about the-- the Abayan effect, even if that smile makes it extremely hard not to. “Okay.”

“We should have you on the show.” His knee bounces a mile a minute, words barely keeping pace. “See if that makes the ratings draw even.”

Shirayuki stares at him, but there’s no hint of sarcasm, no undertone of agitation. For all intents and purposes, it seems as if he’s just...inviting her on his highly rated cooking show.

That can’t be right.

“Not a bad thought, Abayan,” Izana hums, fingers tapping at the desk. “Turn that in to me with the rest of your proposals for next season.”

Obi grins. “No problem, boss.”

“Wait.” This is all happening too fast; it’s all too much. Three weeks ago she was scrambling for a new co-host, and now she’s sitting next to Hypewire’s media darling, talking about how she needs to be on his show for his ratings. “I don’t-- we shouldn’t--”

“Oh, can you not cook?” Obi smiles, and it’s-- entirely too much. “Don’t worry, Lyon, you’ll be on top when I’m done with you.”

“N-no!” she chokes. “I-- I’m the daughter of a bar! I mean, my grandparents--” ugh, four years to get a journalism degree, and she still can’t word good-- “they owned a pub.”

“Great.” His teeth flash, half-feral. “Then you’ll know how to follow my lead.”

“I think,” Izana says, tipping her a speculative look, “that Shirayuki is less worried about her prowess in the kitchen, and more about what these sort of numbers might mean to a show like Unsolved. Isn’t that right?”

“Ah, I mean...” It’s terrible how good he is at his job. “It’s all so...quick. We’re still editing this season, and already I’m working on the ideas for next one, and I have to not only write scripts but also scout locations, and Higata is already stretched thin--”

“We’ll get you another editor.”

Her jaw drops. “W-what?”

Izana folds his hands, so calm, and tells her, “We’ll get you another editor.”

Shirayuki stares, mouth utterly dry. It had been a struggle to get Higata last season; after Obi had roasted the idea during Pitch Fight, Hypewire’s higher-ups had been loath to put any actual support behind Unsolved. Only his dogged enthusiasm-- and flagrantly working on the project behind their backs-- had gotten him on board after the pilot took off. And now Izana Wisteria was just handing her someone else. Personally.

She reaches down and pinches herself. Yep, this is-- this is real life. Somehow.

“You want to-- you mean that--” she gulps-- “you want to give Unsolved a team?”

He nods, brusque and efficient. “I can get you another researcher as well. Or if the locations appear to be a problem, perhaps a personal assistant?” He lifts a hand, a Wisteria shrug. “Just let me know your needs, and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Unless it’s time, right?” Obi asks wryly. “That’s straight out.”

Izana’s mouth stretches into the barest grin. “The internet is instant, I’m afraid. You have to strike while the iron’s hot. I hope--” he fixes her with a meaningful look-- “we are all able to make the best of this opportunity.”

kisskissfall4luv: does ne1 no f this guy is gonna b here 4 the hole sesson? i luv Zen but i lik the nu guy 2 hes so funny!

kayla0202: I hope he is! I never thought I’d like something as much as Stand the Heat, especially a show about aliens and weird crime, but Obi and Shirayuki make me tune in every week! How long are Unsolved’s seasons again??

unsolvedjunky42: There’s only one other season, and that was 12 eps, though a lot of those were 10 minutes long, and these ones are averaging 17-20min. It looks like Obi Abayan is credited as co-host for the rest of the season: [follow link] So glad he signed on, I thought Unsolved would be dead in the water without Zen but Obi brings a whole new dynamic I didn’t ever realize the show was missing.

zenluvr999: i no were only 3 eps in but i think im gonna need a new name lmao

“Ah, I understand, but we really are looking to--” Shirayuki clenches her stress artichoke, its plush petals ballooning out from between her fingers, and stifles a sigh. “Yeah, I see. Thank you.”

The call cuts off with a beep, too cheerful a sound for its finality. Another opportunity lost. Shirayuki spills over her keyboard, groan lost beneath the function keys.

“Going that well, huh?” Kihal barely spares her a glance, but she does pull aside a headphone; the way editors show they care. “Tell me again how much you love this job.”

“I do love it,” she insists, muffled by the cool metal of her desk. “It’s just...so much work.”

“You know, we could just get that personal assistant.” Higata drops his headphones around his neck, settling back in his chair. It creaks beneath him, protesting his slouch. “I still can’t believe you said no to that.”

“We don’t need another team member.” Shirayuki lifts her head, just barely, to give him a warning glance. “We already have Kihal. That’s more than enough.”

“Really? We still have half a season left to edit, you have another season to write, and you want to tell me we couldn’t use another set of hands?” His eyebrow twitches up toward his hairline. “You just love making all those phone calls, huh?”

“It’s not that.” She rolls back, lifting herself upright. Her spine reminds her sharply that it doesn’t like doing that, that it was having a fine time as she was, but if there’s one thing Shirayuki knows how to ignore by now, it’s a complainer. “Unsolved was my idea to begin with, and if we can’t do the proposal we submitted last week, it should be me who’s to blame for it, not some poor intern.”

“She’s so cute,” Kihal coos across the cluster. “She’s got morals and everything.”

“That’s rich, coming from you,” Higata deadpans. “Didn’t you unionize the Yuris office?”

Her teeth flash predator white between the crimson stain of her lips. “Why do you think I volunteered to work this gig?”

He sighs, long-suffering. “See, this is the problem: the both of you like working too much. It’s getting in the way of having someone fetch my coffee for me.”

Shirayuki levels her best glare at him, the one she’s honed from one too many long nights in the editing bay. “If we had a PA, their job would not be to get you coffee.”

“If we had a PA, their job would be to make these stupid phone calls so Shirayuki can get actual work done,” Kihal informs him with a playful superiority than makes his eyes roll. “Instead of spending all day in a fugue of sadness and misery because no one will take her seriously.”

Shirayuki almost protests—there’s no fugue, and if anything, the rejections just make her more desperate and determined, but—

Her list of high-profile options has been reduced by a half, red lines spiking through some of her best hits with no relief in sight. She is about two seconds from eating her feelings through the oversized cinnamon buns in the company vending machine, and a fugue state is starting to sound like a preferable way to spend her afternoon.

“Ugh,” she decides, and lays down again.

“There, there,” Kihal croons, patting her back across their desks. “Someone will have to give you the time of day at some point.”

“I’m getting calls back.” She rolls over onto one cheek, thoughtful. “People are fans of the show! They just...don’t think we’re serious.”

Kihal scoffs. “About what? Aliens? Ghosts? I’ve been fielding queries all morning from Shuuka asking which direction we want to go for The Alexandria episode.”

“It’s the whole ghost hunting angle.” Higata leans over, liberating her artichoke from her grip, tossing it between his hands. “If I want to be fair, which I don’t, but here we are—it’s a new direction for the show. I guess it could be confusing to people used to our format.”

“I know, I know.” She pillows her chin with her hands, letting out a sigh. “I just wish one of them would give us a confirmation instead of—“ she waves her hand at her empty schedule—“all this.”

“They will.” She doesn’t know where Higata unearths all this unearned confidence, but she’s glad one of them has. “Let this season run its course. Zen was never big on the supernatural episodes, but these ones with Obi...people are definitely going to pay attention.”

He wouldn’t be saying that if he had to suggest waiting to Izana Wisteria. “They’re already paying attention to Obi. I’m always getting asked if--”

“If I’m as handsome as I look on screen?”

The thing is-- she’s not expecting it. One minute she’s sprawled across her desk, and the next Obi’s purr is tickling her ear, and--

“Ow, fff--” his gaze darts over where he clenches his nose-- “fudge. Sicles.”

“Nice save,” Kihal deadpans. “Now if only you could do that in the first minute of every video.”

“What can I say,” he honks, rubbing his nose. “I’m an off-the-cuff kind of guy.”

“You’re a ‘ruining our monetization’ kind of guy,” she shoots back, though she pushes over an abandoned chair for him to sit on.

“Oh, Obi!” Shirayuki yelps, hands hovering on either side of his face as he sits. “I’m so sorry! I was just--”

“Surprised, yeah, got that part.” he lifts his fingers, wobbling the bridge of his nose. “No harm done.”

“Good thing,” Higata mutters, “that face gets views.”

“Oh please.” Obi grins, devastating as always. “Chicks love a broken nose.”

Kihal barks out a laugh. “When it comes to you, chicks love breathing.”

He shrugs, sliding into a slouch. “Still no luck, I’m guessing?”

“None,” Shirayuki confirms. “Though people have been saying they enjoy the new season.”

“The concierge at the Roosevelt says you’re a lot cuter than Zen,” Kihal offers, needlessly.

Obi’s grin widens, wolfish. “You don’t say.”

“Maybe you should start using that Abayan charm to get us some bookings,” Kihal suggests wryly. “Earn your keep around here.”

“Please, I earn my keep. I’m the eye candy.” He winks. “Besides, I’d be happy to, but the big boss over here always tells me--”

“You don’t need to worry about it,” Shirayuki says, “it’s really my job--”

Higata waves a hand, long suffering. “You see the problem.”

“I do.” Kihal settles back. “Well, if you really just need a place...”

“I’ll take anything at this point,” she says to the particleboard of the ceiling. “Even if it’s just a haunted hole in the ground.”

“All right, well--” Kihal grins, sheepish-- “my condo is haunted.”

[Obi] So you’re telling me that this is just some crazy lady’s house, filled with all her stuff?

[Shirayuki] Isabella Stewart Gardner was a socialite and a philanthropist, *not* a crazy lady.

[Obi] Right, okay, but...she did turn her house into a museum, and then made everyone promise not to touch it. Not exactly what I think of when someone says ‘stable.’

[Shirayuki] Because she *curated* it, Obi!

[Obi] So what you’re telling me is that she knew that from forever to the end of time, she would have better taste than everyone else on the planet.

[Shirayuki] *sputtering* W-well--

[Obi] No, no, you’re right. I retract the crazy lady thing. Because that’s *baller*.

[Shirayuki] *laughs* O-obi!

[Obi] I want to be that lady. Like that is shade from the grave.

[Shirayuki] . . . . She also was personally friends with Monet.

[Obi] SEE? Life goals.

“So,” Obi hums from around a dumpling, his chopsticks already rooting for another, “what do you think?”

Shirayuki looks up, halfway through a very un-dainty bite of her own. “About--? Oh! I can’t believe they’re only fifty cents each! Where did you find this place?”

Despite his reputation on camera-- forward-facing, casual, intimate-- Obi isn’t someone who looks at people head-on. She’ll catch a glance sometimes, or maybe a considering look from the corner of his eyes, but for the most part, he’s always moving, eyes darting around to watch who filters into a room, or at the cars moving outside, or staring down the squirrel that likes to scratch at their window.

So when he looks at her, gold eyes trapping her as thoroughly as amber, she notices.

“Well,” he says after a long moment, “when you run a food show, people do give you some hot tips. But, ah--” he rubs at the back of his head, ears pink at the tips-- “that wasn’t really what I, ah, meant.”

Her mouth rounds. “Oh.”

His hands raise, chopsticks knitted under his knuckles. “Though I’m glad you like it! It’s, ah, one of my favorite places too. I just thought that you might have some, er--” he grimaces-- “thoughts, about the whole haunted condo thing.”

“Oh! That.” She taps her chopsticks on her plate, trying to gather her thoughts. “I just think...I don’t know. It’s not a bad place to start, but I just wanted...”

She blows out her cheeks on a sigh. “The ghost hunting is a new aspect of the show, and I wanted us to come out strong with an actual location...”

His mouth curls at a corner, too knowing. “And having us just carry around proton packs and talk about cold spots in a friend’s house isn’t really going to do much for our supernatural cred?”

“Yeah.” She slumps against the chair, defeat. “That. But I also feel like beggars can’t be choosers, and no one else is telling us yes, so...”

He nods, mouth pressed into a thoughtful line. “So there’s no rush to say no.”

“Right, yeah.” She glances at him from the corners of her eyes. “How about you?”

Obi blinks, eyes fluttering wide. “Me? This isn’t really my--” he hesitates, mouth working, starting a half dozen words-- “ah, I mean, I think...it’s smart. You’re right, a bigger place will give us more credit, but if one doesn’t come through then we have to start somewhere. Besides,” his mouth tics at a corner, twitching toward a smirk-- “I’ve always wondered whether she’s bikini or boyshorts.”

It’s only when her chin hits her chest that she realizes her jaw has dropped. “We’re not there to look in her underwear drawer!”

“Well, we’re not at work for her to look in my gym bag either,” he replies, sour, “but she did anyway.”

“She already said that was an accident--”

“--a likely story--”

“--That’s not what I meant anyway,” she admits with a huff. “I wanted to know if you were okay with the whole, ah...” her shoulders round, shy-- “metrics thing.”

“Metrics?” His head cocks, quizzical, but then-- “you mean, the stuff Izana showed us weeks ago?”

“Two weeks ago,” she corrects, heat flaring on her cheeks, “and, um, yes. I just...you’re not mad?”

Obi stares. “About what?”

“Unsolved.”

He shakes his head. “You’re...really going to have to be more specific than that.”

“The ratings.” She pokes at a dumpling, miserable. “Stand the Heat-- that’s your baby isn’t it? You pitched it and everything.”

“I...did?” he says, brow furrowed. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s just-- Unsolved is doing better.” It’s not bragging, she knows that, but it feels like it. “And it’s-- it’s okay if you’re, um, upset about it. You’ve been doing this for--”

“OH.” Obi coughs, suddenly looking anywhere but at their table. “No, I really-- you don’t need to worry about that. At all. Please.”

She stares. “Obi, it’s okay. I’m not going to take it personally if you--”

“Kid, please,” he begs, holding up his hands. “It’s nothing. I mean, yeah, if Stand the Heat was on top, I’d be happy. I mean, I was happy when it was on top. But, this is...” his fingers twirl his chopstick mindlessly-- “this is good, too.”

“But--”

“Listen, I know you may find this hard to believe, especially with how we, uh, met, but I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a huge fan of the show. Not even a little. Understated it, in fact.” The tips of his ears flush. “So, uh, it’s kind of cool that I joined my favorite show, and now it’s super popular. That’s sort of the whole fanboy dream, right?”

“O-oh!” She stares down at her hands, willing them to stop trembling. “I, uh...I didn’t...I didn’t really think of it like that.”

“Yeah, well, now you know you don’t have to worry about it,” he says with a laugh. “I’m living the dream here. Not only am I on the show, but I’m more popular than the last guy. And I get to take the cute host out to lunch and call it business. The only square I need to finish fanboy bingo is getting to ki--”

His teeth snap down, so loud she hears the click. “Haah, never mind. Hey look, is that the waiter? Could we, ah, get the check?”

[Sender]: iwisteria@wisteriacorp.com [Recipients]: s.lyon@hypewire.com [Subject]: Season 3 Hard Proposal

Is there any reason this isn’t in my inbox already?

Shirayuki closes her inbox with a grimace. “Ah, hey, Kihal?”

Her editor looks up, brows raised. “Yeah?”

She licks her lips, bracing herself. “Just...how haunted do you think your condo is?”

[thurisazsalail]

I’m tired of ‘leftist’ anti-intellectualism and America-centric xenophobia posing as liberalism.

Protip: If you are anti-academia on subjects of culture not being taught by someone genetically from that culture, even if they know nothing about the culture they are talking about and have never participated in it and were never raised with it... over someone who actually does have a background in knowledge from people of that culture who lived in it and were raised in it... you might actually be the imperialist you are talking about fighting against. You might actually be silencing the people you think you are elevating through deplatforming actual sources from the cultural background talked about, artificially holding up someone with the right genes but no heritage or ties. You might want appearance over substance to be a “good person.” Rethink your views on academia. Think critically. What sources is a person using? Does a person talk about Africa like it's a country and not a continent (ew), or does the person have a list of resources about specific cultures as spoken about by the people from those cultures? Do they make effort in finding anyone from that culture to present or speak in class, if possible? Do they show videos of those people, which are not denigrating to them? Did the person work hard to find resources for you in a language you understand, or did they work to translate for you? Or are their resources some old white dude from 200 years ago, like using the Budge translations for (ancient) Egyptian? Did they quote Fiona Graham or Liza Dalby on geisha? Because of those people is a damn liar who took a fucktonne of money and prestige from an ailing geisha house and ran, and one actually trained as an anthropologist who spent time in Pontocho, where they knew exactly what she was there for and they suggested she debuted as a geisha to better understand them. Does the person gloss over issues like war or genocide? Or do they say, "Yeah, we should probably talk about that. In fact, you can use some example from recent history to understand the attitudes a bit better. Here they are, and here are some differences. Here are some further reading (and if available, video) sources, including from the groups that got really fucked over." If you SAY you are into historybounding (taking historical elements in your wardrobe and making it ‘new’ fashion) and you want to make the frilly French dresses and the London fog coats, but don't ever want to talk about how people eventually used the Versailles floors as a latrine because of the decadence and wanton wealth they collapsed into... and how the common people suffered because of it... Or how England discriminated against it's own people heavily, relegating Jewish English people to certain neighbourhoods or refused jobs to them, or treated the Moorish-descent like shit, or actively would beat the Irish in public and stole their land... you might not be into history or culture. You might just like looking at the pretty things and copying them. You know. Probably culturally appropriating (if not borderline doing so). Not just "history bounding." People in a marginalised group often have to learn things about our own groups’ history, or else we might see "Stonewall" and believe that a white guy threw the first brick, or that "queer" is a slur. Our own people, gasp, might have to learn from... academia. And strangely, I know, it's so weird, but some of the people who teach... use primary sources (that’s sources from the time/place/people the source talks about, like Gay Manifesto written by gay man Carl Wittman)... or are closeted about being experts on the subjects... because they are talking about their own groups and STILL face discrimination and might lose those precious jobs if they are out... and they're just not identifiable by your *outsider* standards. And sorry, but if you don't know your own history, yes, you are an outsider in that sense. Yeah, I can trace some of my family lineage to Turtle Tribe Seneca. But I am an outsider because the only reservation I've ever been on is the one to Olive Garden. I might have to *gasp* turn to actual knowledgeable people to learn something about that. I can't just dress up in whatever or do whatever and say, "No, it's okay! My great-grandmother is Seneca!" and then claim not knowing better because my heritage was stolen by federal American laws. That's not how that works. There is some tentative evidence that some of my family was Jewish before hiding it and coming to America in the late 1930s. But I still have to go through an official conversion process. I still have to learn Jewish history and Jewish culture, and about Jewish diaspora issues. That’s how it works. If you are Japanese in Japan, same thing applies to certain things. Like if you are performing tea ceremony with your school, you can’t just wander in to most of them with whatever pretty kimono you want. There are rules for that. It is a language, not just a dress. You will be sent home. If you don’t want to adhere to those rules, you will not be accepted. That’s how it works. It sucks, totally. But welcome to real life. You might have to actually work at things... Including managing your feelings and not making other people responsible for them. You might have to take responsibility AND bury your ego long enough to learn from educated people. One tip is... Question sources! That was my biggest gripe ten years ago! Plenty of books about Japanese culture, and all of them with lots of white people (white according to American-centric ideas about whiteness) writing the narrative! I had to work to find books about Japanese social ideas written by Japanese authors. You might have to work, too, and not blame other people for not just *handing you shit.* But in the end, accept that other people might know more than you and that is isn't about being Uppity by nature. It's also about "I have all this, you want some?"

If you don't want to learn, then you have to leave the classroom. You can't be a child, throwing a temper tantrum. You're a grown-up. But don't just assume by someone's face that you magically already know how things will be. Ask for a list, a syllabus, a source, a curriculum vitae. That should give you some insight on what to expect. Ask for clarification. Oh, this class is teaching Arthur Conan Doyle? WHAT are they teaching about him, specifically? Erasure isn’t the answer, here. That legacy still exists.

Stick to a scope: you can't fit six books of info in one hour. You need to stay focused. That's part of learning. No "whaddabouts?" Yes, write them down and message them in! But they might not be for this specific post, lecture, or class. The class might need a thing right then, like when my Humanities prof decided that Britain just "had a skirmish" with Benin. No, they committed genocide because Benin refused to become a colony of England, and you need to know that RIGHT NOW while the class is happening, before the moment is gone or internalized. But if you have a side comment about what happened to diaspora in WW2 once they moved to Hawaii and Brazil, the focus of the class might be on experiences *in Japan* and not on diaspora. Email it. It might become another class. There isn't time for that right now. That doesn't mean the prof hates diaspora Japanese. It doesn't mean diaspora don't matter. It just means that the class is limited in focus and time, and right now, the focus isn't on diaspora. Don't make a big dramatic deal about it. Instead, idk, maybe write a well-sourced paper on diaspora experiences while fleeing hostile Showa-era takeover and release it publicly. You can just... do that. I've done that with transcripts for movies that don't have them, for essays on various topics. You can even get paid for that content! No one had to "approve" me. I put it on fucking Tumblr so everyone could have it. Open-source means something. jfc people. Stop whining. Start having open conversations instead of shutting anything new or different down. Stop the anti-intellectualism disguised as liberalism. Stop the xenophobia and nativism disguised as cultural protection. It's great when a culture decides for itself that most people (from that culture) don't want foreign interaction or interference! Leave them the fuck alone! It isn’t hard! Some cultures are closed. Some are semi-closed, like there’s certain things you can learn about or participate in but others are only for people from that background. But don't get mad when a totally different culture doesn't care or uses it for leverage. You don’t get to dismiss a different culture or denigrate them under the guise of “protecting” other POC by erasing them. And if your excuse is (Culture/group) is imperialistic/all people of ____ descent/race are _____ DUDE FIRST OF ALL WTF and second of all, let me tell you something about American history. French history. English history. There are some nuanced conversations we COULD have here, like adults. Or you could just be honest and say, “This isn’t a conversation I’d like to have right now.” That’s totally fine. Sometimes you just don’t have the spoons or time. I often don’t, being disabled. Or you could shut down like a child and say that this is fine but then mute all posts until you get your way, and anyone who posts an actual source is wrong or bad because intellectuals and experts are suspicious. Your choice. Real life is complicated. Figure it out instead of trying to reduce hard things to a box to fit in easily. Expand your world past your little tiny experiences in your own country and background. Stop assuming every fucking thing in the world works like it does in America. Stop approving/disapproving of any information that doesn’t match up with your American morality or experiences- there are *other people* that deal with things other ways than we do. Stop wholesale condemning anyone better informed than you just because of your ego. Start using some of those critical thinking skills you are supposed to have. If you don’t know how, type “critical thinking development” into youtube for tutorials. -------- Edit: hahaha I KNEW that Tumblr deleted something when it highlighted it. I just couldn’t figure out what at the time. The difference between Graham and Dalby: one worked in Pontocho as a geisha for research, and they knew that ahead of time; Graham lied her ass off to geisha and then tried to open her own house after taking only a few lessons to get famous and make a lot of money. She’s a fucking embarrassment and worse. --------------- Update 11/3 Turns out that dig I made about French costuming (a perennial fave in historybounding and historical sewing groups) and imperialism wasn’t all that far off... here’s a whole ass thread about how many fucking African presidents and leaders France has specifically killed, and how much France has done to just Africa relatively recently. That’s JUST to Africa. I bet some of my Mi’kMaq and Algonquin-descent friends would have some things to say about heritage erasure regarding the French.  https://thurisazsalail.tumblr.com/post/633807847387512832

[postcambrian]

thoughts while re-reading The Truth

so I just finished my (4th?) re-read, and this time I took notes. they’re mostly minor observations, not big thinky thoughts about the themes or anything

I’ve put it under a cut because, uh, it got long (sorry mobile users). 

in semi-chronological order, let’s begin!

dwarfs have pointy ears. I always picture them with round human-esque ears

the Bursar’s real name is A. A. Dinwiddie. the list of named senior staff, I think, is now: Munstrum Ridcully, Henry (the Dean), A.A. Dinwiddie, Windle Poons (deceased), Ponder Stibbons and Rincewind. of these only the Bursar and the Dean were introduced via title and were named later

it’s implied that it’s just Sacharissa and her grandfather. her parents are,, probably dead?

I love Mr Bendy, the zombie who wrote his own obituary

washing crystals exist, apparently

Harry King’s dogs are explicitly called rottweilers here lmao

a few options here!

1. PTerry retconned it/Trousers of Time

b. rottweilers are what the mutts are called, rather than purebred lipwigzers

iii) William thinks they’re called rottweilers; maybe the upper class calls them that because “lipwigzer is too foreign”?

something else? 

William getting jealous of other guys flirting with Sacharissa, jumping at the chance to walk her home and then immediately telling  her she’s not his type? classic.

I have Thoughts on Uberwald and it’s language that I should probably put in a separate post. this one is too long already.

love the worldbuilding about dwarf marriage

dark light! such an interesting plot device, I wish it came up again

Deep Bone must be a foreigner because he uses idioms wrong? William please, this is Ankh-Morpork

Otto offering advice on women... good

mysterious vampire powers also include ability to make dogs howl by “waves hands vaguely”

actually everything Otto says and does in this sequence is extremely good

another disc dog breed: Shnauswitzer

Sacharissa calling William a muffin? choice

Pin opening his coat to show a gun cutlery  

William has an inner editor

“Otto’s taller than that”

Otto compares healing from decapitation to peeing, okay.

Vimes continues to strike matches on people - the victim this time is Goodmountain’s helmet

During Vimes and William’s conversation William is sitting on a rocking horse the entire time

Nobby gets a sex shop catalogue (Pterry why)

it’s very cute that Sacharissa gets sniffly over the vampire’s song, which is called “Walking in Sunshine”. I chose to believe that it is sung to the same tune as “Walking on Sunshine”

Sacharissa yelling at William over his privilage? an icon

Mouldavia! I think this is the first mention?

William keeping his old school trunk so he can kick it is is very reminiscent of my feelings about school. 

also Hugglestones is such a good fake boarding school name

the iconograph imps can smoke? and have tiny cigarettes? who makes those? did they roll them themselves? do imps have money with which to purchase tobacco? 

Sacharissa being disappointed that the dwarfs won’t kill anyone... she continues to be an icon

Dibbler and Moist share similar opinions about working for wages

“You can tell as many lies as you like if it’s advertising. That’s allowed.” gettem Sacharissa 

“Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove” this might just be PTerry reusing themes but also, it’s easy to see how moist came out of this book

hate to give Mr Pin props for anything, but he does own a cigarette lighter in the shape of a dragon

“...it’s a nice day today, the birds is singing” ... on days like this, kids like you...

Duck Man and I share the same view of milk in tea (it’s an abomination)

“Spit or swallow, he thought, the eternal conundrum” uhhh Will?

Let! Sacharissa! Call! Vetinari! CITY BOSS! 

also let her make a cat magazine. it’ll make millions

it’s so funny that for the whole dramatic, climatic fight/fire scene Otto was just. running errands and missed the whole thing

the de Worde’s address is 50 Nonesuch St

“Music viz Rocks In!” Otto has good taste

“Privilege just means private law”

“Shout at people, get your own way, ignore the rules. It’s the de Worde way. Up until me, obviously” i would have killed for a william/moist book

“Did you know they call Vimes ‘Vetinari’s terrier’?” (eyes emoji)

“’The truth has got it’s boots on’, he said. ‘It’s going to start kicking.’”

“Or maybe I just have to ask myself... am I better zan you?”

William corrects the spelling in graffiti. nerd.

DOG BITES MAN

asking if Mr Scrope’s note was signed by his mother.... god I need the wiliam and moist fanfic. i need them being little shits to each other.

“Free men pull in all kinds of directions.” 

okay, that’s it! sorry about all the quotes at the end, PTerry saves his final ~third for all the really good lines and I had to put some of them in

[lamentalia]

Amelia - Chapter 2

“Hey Mattie?” Amelia says awkwardly as they’re walking. Unlike Mattie she’s never been very interested in discretion and so her attempts at it often come out sounding stilted and graceless. Mattie is always, well, usually better at that kind of thing. However, something bothers her about his actions during the earlier altercation. “Uh. So… What happened to Gilbert’s Rule Number 1 back there?” She asks. “I mean, I could’ve taken the touga, you know, and it’s not like you to be so—”

His face and ears crumple into a wretched look. Oh, ouch, that’s what she was afraid of. She backpedals quickly.

“Hey! No, I’m not blaming you, bro! You’re just… usually more cool-headed than that? What I’m trying to say is are you ok?” She’s kicking herself inside, but Mattie seems to understand what she means. He always does, even when she can’t express herself to save her life. He gives her a tired but, thankfully, less self-flagellating look.

“Sorry, Em.” He says and takes a beat to continue. “I don’t know what happened.” He sighs, yet again. “I should have taken the sanga out first but… Well, I saw that guy grabbing you and I guess I just… reacted.” He shrugs and looks genuinely perplexed. Amelia can sympathize.

“Yeah, ok, I get that.” Amelia says, considering how the scene must have looked to an onlooker. “I guess I might have done the same thing if it were you.” Mattie rolls his eyes and finally smiles a bit.

“Ugh… Thanks, Em. That makes me feel worse.” He says. Amelia shoves him.

“Jerk!” Amelia laughs. She headbutts his arm in sisterly fashion, affectionate but not too gently. Mattie’s too tall to return the gesture of a head butt when they’re walking side-by-side, or rather, Amelia’s too short. It’s no fair, really. They’re supposed to be twins. Why can’t they be the same height? Instead he chuckles and musses her hair in return.

“I don't know…” Mattie repeats after a moment of silence. “I guess I’m just really tense with everything going on, eh?.” Its Amelia’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Mattie, you take on too much responsibility and you’re not very good at it. You gotta stop worrying about everything so much.” She says. Mattie’s face tells her he has some complicated emotion running through his head. “I’m not saying there’s nothing to worry about, obviously,” she shrugs, “but not everything can be helped, you know? We just gotta keep moving.”

“Mm.” He says noncommittally. There’s still something rattling around in his head that he’s not saying to her. Well, she knows he’ll think about it at least.

★

After an anxious hike, Amelia and Matthew arrive. Amelia’s first instinct is to relax as the sunny meadow where they live comes into view. They stop for a moment to take it in.

Amelia feels it’s different somehow, as though she is seeing it through a perspective she didn’t have before. She feels the irony in her telling Mattie to keep moving earlier. It’s just hit her that this will be the last time she visits this place. The home she and Mattie grew up in; the home they woke up in, ate breakfast in and left this morning to patrol their territory as they always have done. Until today.

She scans the scene as if to commit it to memory.

It’s a small meadow full of autumn wildflowers and surrounded by forest that has just begun to change colors. Standing still, they can hear the distant sound of sea water crashing against the rocky cliffs of the northwestern coast of Sisa. Amelia wonders sadly if that’s been swallowed by the Void too.

Just off center of the meadow is an old, gnarled tree that somehow took root atop a rocky outcrop. Its roots twist down over the sides of the bedrock and hide a crevice in the ground that is large enough for a cat to climb through but small enough to miss unless you stand on top of it. Amelia and Mattie don't need to see it to know it’s there; it is the entrance to their home.

Amelia’s heart clenches painfully and she and Mattie find each other’s hands at the same time. Mattie’s hand is a little too cold. Hers is probably a little too hot.

Do they really have to leave? Things are suddenly going way too fast…

But Amelia looks at Mattie and sees that he is hesitating, too. Well, if they must leave, at least they’ll be together. She pulls on Mattie’s hand and walks with him to their house. They need to pack.

☆

Sunlight filters in through the crevice in the ceiling. The floating dust motes beneath it look like tiny, moving stars. She follows the motes with her eyes for a moment before trying to catch them in her small, uncoordinated hands. She peeks into her cupped hands each time she thinks she’s caught one but never finds one there. It perplexes her and makes her more determined…

She hears a soft, musical hum coming from the direction of the stove.

It’ s Mama.

She turns around hoping to see Mama, but Mattie is sitting at the big wooden table, drawing, and is blocking her view. She jumps a few paces sideways, craning her neck.

And one more jump.

There’s Mama!

She loves Mama’s humming. She runs, singing along, to Mama and Mama turns and smiles down at her…

☆

Mattie takes a stack of Guiding Leaves from a basket near the entrance and gives half of them to Amelia. There is a shallow bowl on a shelf beside them that is still full of water from the morning. Mattie drops a leaf into the water. After a moment it begins to glow and the two descend the short staircase into the main living area of their home.

They walk about the room dropping leaves into the bowls of water placed in each corner of the room and put the remainder of their leaves into a large bowl on the wooden table in the center of the room. Gradually the room fills with soft green light.

Amelia looks around slowly, noticing all the things she takes for granted in daily life. The space is not too big, nor too small. The stove and table remain the same as they ever were since before she can remember.

There’s a barrel for water and several others for storing food stacked in one corner of the room. Mattie has a couple of jars of his sap reduction sitting on a shelf near the stove, which he is quite proud of. As he should be; that stuff is really, really tasty.

Her attention moves to the opposite side of the room where there are several shelves they’d installed to put the books left behind by their mother and gifted to them by Gilbert. She moves closer to touch them and wonders whether they could spare the space and the weight of them in their travel packs.

☆

“’Long, Long ago, Two Canes were the cleverest of all life in the land. They spoke several languages and used their tools and intelligence to make whatever things they wanted.

They could fly through the sky or burrow underground—’”

“WOW! They fly??” Amelia asks, taking a break from “grooming” Mama’s glossy, black tail.

“We live underground.” Mattie said quietly, sounding dubious.

“Yes, they did fly.” Mama said with a patient smile, lowering the book she was reading to look at each kitten. “And Mattie, this house was built by Two Canes many, many years ago. This place is very special and ancient.”

Mattie’s ears straighten in shock. He peers around the room as though looking for some hint of Two Canes left behind.

“Issat why the rock walls look funny, Mama?” Amelia asks.

Mama’s brown-skinned hand pats her on the head and she gives her a wide smile as if giving her a reward for doing something very good.

“That’s right Emma,” Mama then pats the smooth, cool wall beside her. “Only the Two Canes could make something like this.”

She returns to the book.

“Now then… ‘they could even spend many days at sea. They excelled at making art and music.—’”

“Mama n’ me make good music!!” Amelia says excitedly. Mattie looks disappointed so she adds, “And Mattie is good at making drawin’s!” He perks up.

Mama smiles and continues.

“’The ancestors of the Ribika were Cats that obeyed Two Canes who were second only to the gods and could have been called gods on earth…’”

“Where did the Two Canes go?” Amelia asks. “Why aren’t they here anymore?” The concept of gods was still a bit fuzzy to Amelia, though she knew they were supposed to be amazing beings.

“Well…” Mama hesitates. “We don’t know what happened. We only know that they disappeared long ago.”

How mysterious! Amelia imagines them flying so far into the sky that maybe they got lost and couldn’t find their way back.

“Mama, why are we called Ribika?” Mattie asks with his head to the side, like he does when he’s thinking a lot.

“We were named after the goddess Ribika who gave birth to the first of our kind.” Mama replies, smiling at Mattie as she did to Amelia earlier. “Before her, our ancestors walked on four legs and were much smaller and less intelligent than we are today.” Mama says.

Amelia tries to imagine such a creature, but it looks very silly. Mattie still has his thinky face on.

Mama laughs softly and her long, straight black hair shifts as she picks the twins up. “Alright, that’s enough for tonight. Time for bed you two.”

☆

Amelia lifts the book to her chest.

She and Mattie have precious few memories of their mother. Most of the memories they do have are foggy and dreamlike; so delicate that she fears they could disappear.

She decides to take the book with her and grabs the one about the stars that Gilbert gave her, too.

Their mother passed away years ago when they were still very small kittens. They don't remember anything of her death except that she was ill for a time and then gone one day. They do not recall how long they were alone together after that, somehow surviving on what they could find in the house and in the meadow. If Gilbert hadn’t stumbled upon them one day, they certainly wouldn’t have survived.

Amelia grabs a pack from her and Mattie’s room and puts the two books in it. Mattie is in here too. If he has any concerns about the practicality of bringing books along, he keeps them to himself. Amelia notices he’s already got the jar of sap reduction sticking out of his bag. Perhaps that has something to do with it. Amelia smiles at him knowingly and continues packing.

★

“So… now what? Do we go ahead with our original plan?” Amelia asks. Anxiety is sadly dulling the rare pleasure of her satiety.

They’re sitting at the wooden table; bags packed and stomachs fuller than usual. After all, as small as their food stores are for a winter, it’s too much to carry all at once. They may as well eat as much as they want. Plus, they’ll need the extra energy for the trip and their goal is to end up in a place where they can find food, anyway.

Leaving home will be a moot point, otherwise. Amelia grimaces at the thought.

“Yeah, it’s our best bet.” Mattie unfurls the map that had been stuffed in his pack. “We only know where Gilbert and Ludwig are.” Mattie points to the center of the map where there is a city labeled ‘Ransen’.

Amelia nods.

Ransen is the biggest city in Sisa and where Gilbert and his younger brother Ludwig live. The two of them have told the twins everything they know about Ransen.

It’s supposed to be huge, with giant Two Canes ruins and hundreds, maybe even thousands of cats from all over; even cats from abroad! Amelia can hardly imagine so many cats living in close proximity; apparently no one there bothers much about territories.

Most amazing of all, though, is that the Void has never shown up anywhere near the city and there has never been a breakout of the Sickness. Food is plentiful and monsters are few. Gilbert had told them they are welcome to stay at his place if they ever needed to leave home.

This was two years ago, though. There’s no telling what has happened in that time… It’s still worth traveling to as they have no better options.

“According to what Gilbert said last time he was here, the Void was closing out the forest North East East of here,” He points to the area. “Down through the area Southeast of us.” His claw tip gently traces the forest down in a line that effectively cuts off a direct route to Ransen.

“So, we’ll have to go to the South.” Amelia says. “We may want to account for some expansion and hook a little southwest before turning east.” She traces her own line down, curving westward through a couple of small villages and then across, heading east to Ransen. Conveniently, there appears to be a river that follows this path partway. Mattie nods slowly, concern showing in his ears and his furrowed brow.

“Yes, but we should try to avoid those villages, if possible.” He says. Amelia blinks at him.

“What? Why?” She asks, baffled. “If we have to go south anyway, we may as well. They might have information we could use.”

“They’re also on the edge of Sisa” Mattie replies pointedly. “They will be hurting for resources like we are, if they’re still there, and you remember what Gilbert said about the outlying villages, right?”

She vaguely remembers Gilbert saying something…

“They’re unfriendly and territorial, even to passersby.” Mattie says, rolling his eyes.

Ah. Yes. She forgot about that.

“Ok, ok. So we’ll avoid the villages.” She says waving her hands at Mattie. She picks up her coat and shrugs it on. “Think we’re ready to go now?”

Mattie sighs, taking another sweeping look across their house. Amelia follows his gaze. They’re leaving so much behind… They knew this day would come but the forewarning gives them no solace in practice. She finds herself sighing too.

“Yeah. It’s not like it’s going to get any easier, eh?” Mattie says donning his coat and lifting his pack onto his shoulders. “The sooner we get out of here, the safer.”

Amelia nods and grabs her own pack and her sadness is soon overlapped with excitement. She’s never traveled so far, before, and she can only imagine the possibilities.

★

[phantoms-lair]

Tempo Trio Au

Now a unified post since the readmore’s are back

An info dump on what I have for my MSA, Marvel AU(mostly C&Ped from discord):

Okay, start 16 years prior to the story start with, of all people, Norman Osbourn. Norman is having a fling that's deepening into a serious relationship with a free spirited woman named Edie Ramone. His father disapproves on every level. She's not politically connected, she's a free spirit she's hispanic. Eventually it seems Osbourn senior has driven her off. Norman grieves the relationship and never starts one with Emily Lyman as in canon and remains single. Thirteen years later he learns the truth. Edie was pregnant and his father had found out and planned to abort the child so  Edie wouldn’t be able to tie herself to Norman that way. She fled to protect their unborn child. She died shortly after childbirth and their son, Lewis Harry Ramone was put into the system where he's adopted and becomes Lewis Harry Pepper.

And Norman is torn. There's a deep greedy instinct to reclaim his son. But....Lewis is happy. What if by reclaiming him Lewis resents him from taking him from where he was happy? What if Norman becomes his own father? He decides to leave Lewis happy with the Peppers, but watch over him. (Lewis totally coincidentally wins a lot of seemingly random giveaway with prizes he would like).

Lewis has two best friends. Arthur is a quiet inventive boy who lives with his Uncle following his parent’s messy divorce. Vivi is bright and energetic and loves to do things like climb trees and talk with squirrels. One day, when Lewis's class was touring an Oscorp facility an experimental spider escapes and bites Arthur. Norman, of course foots the medical bill as his best friend's father a responsible business owner. Soon afterwards Arthur begins to notices strange things. Super strength, inhuman agility, some kind of danger precognition. And he decides to tell no one.  Lance and Lewis would worry when there was nothing they could do and Vivi would be really excited and probably bad at keeping it a secret, especially from Lewis. So he just keeps a lid on it. Until the day Lance takes him to an exhibition match at the wrestling ring he won his belt in.

Arthur isn't like Peter. He doesn't want fame or money, he wants to keep  his head down. He's heading to the bathroom when he realizes there's a guy with a gun robbing the place. He may have super powers but the other guy's got a gun and Arthur's not about that life. He hides in a vent, texts Lance to tell him to keep low, and calls the police. He doesn't come out until he hears an all clear from the cops. At which point he sees Lance being loaded into an ambulance. He learns that Lance confronted the robber, who was trying to go after some other people. When Arthur bemoans "Why...?" he's told Lance said "All that's needed for evil to thrive was for good men to do nothing." And then he did something. This is going to be Arthur's 'Great power - great responsibility' analog

The hospital manages to save Lance's life  (waffling on whether Lance looses an arm and he gets the replacement), but he's not waking up. The doctors say he may never wake up. Arthur's father come down to set up Lance's long term medical care, then leave again. Everyone kind of assumes he or his ex wife stayed to look after their 17 year old son who's obviously traumatized, and Arthur lets them think that. Privacy works better for him anyway. He's never going to do nothing again.

Arthur’s first suit was made from left over wrestling things from his uncles collection, but later augments it with his own tech. He becomes the scourge of criminals all over the city. Including the secret criminal activities of Oscorp. Norman Osbourn (when not spying on his son) is trying to thwart the Spiderman that keep interfering with his schemes( and giving thanks to the small mercy that said schemes haven’t been traced back to him or his company). He managed to find some of Spiderman’s blood and decides to make a clone to kill and replace Spiderman. It seems to be going well until the clone matures and Oh fuck it’s Arthur

If I kill him, it’ll wreck Lewis

Craaaaaaap

So Norman goes to have a think on this new information. Unfortunately for him the clone is not exactly stable, mentally. (I think I’m gonna call him Mordred, bastard son of Arthur that he is). He despises being a clone. He hates Arthur for being real and Norman for making him. And wouldn’t you know it, there’s a way to wound both of them at once.

Lewis

Pretending to be Arthur, Mordred lures Lewis to an imported statue of an angel in the park and proceeds to try and kill Lewis by smashing his head on the statue. Lewis is big and strong, but Mordred has Arthur’s spider strength. He overpowers Lewis and leaves him for dead. Only the statue isn’t an angel at all. It’s Nemesis, Greek Goddess of Retribution, and she’s willing to cut Lewis a deal.

Lewis gets to come back to life and take revenge on his killer, in return for acting as Nemesis’s agent in the mortal realm. He sees Arthur the next day and is filled with rage. He tries to use his new power on him from a distance but…nothing? It won’t work. Maybe he needs some practice? Just to top it off, Arthur has the unmitigated gall to smile and greet Lewis like nothing’s wrong. Not wanting to make Arthur look like the victim, since he has no proof, Lewis suppressed his hatred until he can figure this out. In order to practice his power he create an alternate persona, Ghost, which appears as a fiery skeleton, to act a a vigilante and practice turning the sins of evildoers upon themselves. He runs into Spiderman pretty early on, and he genuinely likes the guy. Here’s someone risking life and limb to help others and expecting nothing in return, not even gratitude. He’s so naive though, believing criminals deserve mercy. One day he was going to get betrayed, like Arthur betrayed him. What else could he do but watch over the guy?

Soon Lewis learns his power works just fine, on everyone but Arthur at least. He assumes Arthur must have some supernatural protection. He starts bringing some stuff up in conversation, magic talismans, some religious stuff. And while Vivi’s eager to theorize, Arthur gives up nothing. Lewis even tries some old fashioned traps to get him and Arthur keeps just skirting them (Norman is busy trying to find Mordred and realizes none of this)

Arthur, meanwhile, has a lot of concerns about a lot of things. In addition to this new vigilante who seems to have good motivations but is far too ruthless, Lewis is mad at him, and he doesn’t know why. Lewis won’t explain when asked and he’s angry and moody all the time. He’s also asking all these strange questions about magic and old gods and …oh fuck Lewis is in a cult.

So in addition to normal high school life and Spidermanning, Arthur is trying to locate this cult so he can free his friend. He considers asking Vivi or Ghost but once again decides not to. Lewis seems to get even more angry if he tries to get Vivi alone and Ghost might decide to mindscrew every member of the cult, including Lewis! He’s on his own.

This comes to a head when Mordred thinks it’s been just enough time that Arthur might be getting over Lewis’s death. He confronts him in a park, where he’s supposed to be meeting Lewis and Vivi, wearing a black Spiderman outfit.

Mordred: You seem less grief stricken than I expected

Arthur: Why would I be grieving?

Mordred: Dude, that’s cold even for me

At this point Arthur considers himself pretty good at fighting, but that’s mostly due to his enhanced abilities and spider sense. Suddenly against an opponent with the same stabilizes who doesn’t rigger his precog Arthur is vulnerable and terrified. He manages a  quick text to the group chat that there is a crazy fake Spiderman trying to kill him and not to come

Vivi: No one tries to kill my friend Lewis: NO ONE KILLS ARTHUR BUT ME

Lewis gets there first. And sees red. Not only is this guy trying to steal his revenge, but he’s dressed up like an emo version of someone Lewis really respects. He goes to help Arthur and the black Spiderman freezes, while results in Arthur accidentally pulling his mask off trying to get him in a headlock. And neither he nor Lewis know how to react to the fact that it’s Arthur’s face under there. And while they’re still trying to parse that, Mordred has a blue screen of his own. “But I killed you!” At which point some things become crystal clear to Lewis 1)There are two Arthurs 2) His friend was completely and totally innocent the whole time and 3)The guy who tried to kill him is right there

And suddenly Lewis is fire. Mordred doesn’t know what’s going on, but he knows Lewis is still the weak spot of the two he hates the most and tries to attack him rather than Arthur. Lewis is going to take him head on but is suddenly pulled out of the way by Arthur…who’s using web slingers They simultaneous decide this conversation can wait. They gotta deal with Mordred. None of Arthur’s usual techniques work on him and he’s very good at dodging Lewis’s fire and not looking Lewis in the eyes for a Penance Stare.  

Suddenly the fight is interrupted by Vivi running to them and screaming ATTACK! Promptly followed by every squirrel in the park jumping Mordred at once.  Sensing danger and inhuman dodging ability doesn’t help when the danger is everywhere and there’s nowhere else to dodge to. So Mordred flees and Vivi is surrounded by squirrels, Arthur’s standing sideways on a tree branch, and Lewis’s heads on fire Vivi: I think we all have some explaining to do

Then a man with red and black hair wearing small yellow glasses “Yukino Viviane what in the nine realms were you thinki….” Then he notices Lewis “YOU!”

Vivi: (winces) And apparently not just to each other

So it turns out this guy, Mystery, is the Sorcerer Supreme of their world. Also Vivi’s magic bound godfather. He’s started a program helping supernatural beings blend in and live amongst normal humans (something as a kitsune he has a vested interest in). Vivi is one of those, she’s squirrel yokai (or half, still deciding). He does a pretty good job making sure there are no upsets between the arcane and mundane until someone showed up out of nowhere with his head on fire throwing around retribution spells.” He gives Arthur a gimlet eye, but Arthur just ‘Nope, I’m a mutant.“ He’s still watching him.

Lewis tentatively suggests they maybe do this somewhere less public, which Mystery eagerly agrees with. Arthur volunteers his house. Lewis: But what about your parents? When are they going to get home? Arthur: Not anytime soon

And while they’re on their way there, it really starts sinking in for Lewis that he has really been screwing the pooch. He’s spent all this time hating Arthur and trying to get his revenge on him, and Arthur was completely innocent the whole time. Hell, Arthur’s been using his spare time to help other people. (Also the realization of ‘if Arthur didn’t have superpowers, I would have murdered my best friend for no reason’ hits him like a punch in the gut)

It gets even worse when they get to the Kingsmen house and Vivi kinda pulls him aside. “Lewis…does it look like anyone else lives here to you?” Because no. No it doesn’t. “Arthur, when are your parents going to be here?” * shrugs* “Dunno, not anytime soon.” “Okay, let me rephrase. Arthur, when’s the last time either of your parents were here?” Arthur winced, then sighed. “The weekend after Uncle Lance got hurt.”

Months. Arthur had been living a double life alone in his house for months and they never knew.To be fair, he had ready made excuses built in. He never had them over, but it made sense because he famously did no get along with either of his parents. He wouldn’t spend any more time than absolutely necessary alone with them. Also why he would be out at odd hours with his superheroing. Mystery kinda explains the 'we’re trying to keep magic under wraps’. Lewis is “I didn’t know, and honestly everyone seems to think I’m a meta human’ and Vivi’s just 'BTW You’ve been fighting crime together without me how dare!’ 'We didn’t exactly know we were fighting crime with each other, Vi’ 'Oh Spirits you’re not going to get involved in this madness too?’ 'You bet I am’

So Vivi joins the team and Mystery decides to have an overseer role, trying to be strict, but the kids are growing on him. And this insane superhero thing seems to actually be a good idea. It’s a way that supernaturals have a way to act as their true selves and doesn’t even expose them as decades of comics means people don’t associate hidden worlds of magic with superheroes. It becomes a program he can institute on a wide scale. But his favorite place is with these three children. He’s known Vivi since she was a child and has helped her family ( a mix of squirrel youkai and yuki no onna) integrate with humans. And Lewis needs a lot of help suddenly going from normal human to magical. Arthur even comes with a certain relief of not needing to intercede on his behalf and he’s not technically  Mystery’s charge (Mystery tends to intercede on his behalf anyway)

And for a while it goes well. Then Mordred comes back

And it turns out his instability wasn’t just mental. His body has degraded. He’s become emaciated with green skin and eyes and black scelra. The mutation that gave him and Arthur their spider powers has also gotten a bit out of control. His limbs and digits have elongated and he’s grown extra eyes (and maybe limbs, still deciding, but if so I’m thinking an extra set of arms that split off from his and maybe some spindly spider legs coming out of his torso). There is no way he’s getting mistaken for Arthur anymore. He’s also ditched the black spider suit since it no longer fits. Between the squirrels and fire, Mordred has decided that Norman is the softer target and comes back for him. He attacks him and is interrupted by security. Mordred engages them until one declares Norman is dead, at which part he flees gleefully. This wasn’t true, but the guard realized Mordred was an assassin and figured he wouldn’t try to finish the job if he thought it was finished. Norman was taken to a secret location while they tried to save his life, while maintaining the fiction he’s dead. And that opens a can of worms no one was expecting. Because Norman’s will get’s executed and aside from some charitable donations he leaves everything to his only living relative. His son Lewis

So yeah. That’s how Lewis find out Norman is his father, after he’s been killed by a green goblin-like creature. (You see what i did there)

And Lewis has NO idea how to handle pretty much any of this.

Thankfully the lawyer executing the will is loyal to the Osborn family, and thus now to Lewis. Lewis recruits his parents and friends to try and work this out, and they finalize on an idea. They release the information that Norman had a secret son he left everything too, but as the child is still underage he’s going to remain unidentified until he’s old enough to take the helm, with the board running things until then and the lawyer acting as a proxy.There’s actually a trap in this for the board. First of all, by emphasizing Lewis as Norman’s 'child’  they imply he’s much younger than his 15 years and not going to appear for a long time. Meanwhile they’re watching the board, seeing who acts well and who’s trying to seize power.

Lewis is trying to get a crash course in business and all of them are helping him, until Norman recovers enough to be aware and finds out that his will was executed. So now Lewis knows and he has to face his son.

Lewis is MORE than relieved he no longer has to one day run Oscorp, but not sure how he feels about his bio dad who knew he existed but stayed away. Norman ends up being more honest than he liked, admitting his resentment towards his own father and being afraid he’s fall into those habits. "What could I give you? Material things. certainly. A level of luxury beyond your dreams. But could I give you a parent who was home for dinner every night? One who was available to help you with your homework? Could I be sure I would leave my ruthless behavior in the board room and never bring it home? Can I guarantee I’d never become my own father? You were loved. You were happy. You were better off.”

Of course it’s not that simple for Norman. Lewis may be uncertain, but Mr. and Mrs. Chef Pepper are clear in that Norman has to prove himself, and not in a  way that involves money at all. If he wants to be in Lewis’s life, he needs to put in time and get to know his son and let his son known him. Or else just stay away and leave Lewis alone.

In addition to spending time with Lewis, he starts working on creating a better image of himself for Lewis. It helps that he’s made his decision on what to do with his son’s being best friends with Spiderman. Namely it’s the realization that Spiderman is a strictly local hero and Oscorp is Global. Any illegal activity has been moved far away

Ironically Norman works so hard to seem like a better person so Lewis will like his he actually starting to become a better person, even slowly cutting out all activity not above board. He’s not sure how to take that

Random Things:

Vivi’s glasses are a magical trinket that make her look like a normal human and disassociates the her with the idea of being supernatural. She also has the single best information network in the city from every single squirrel being loyal to her. This makes her unparalleled at finding things. Her godfather is also teaching her spellcraft.

Mystery does the dissociation effect with Lewis’s locket, though thus far no one associated the kind and gentle Lewis with the ruthless Ghost. Lewis also discovers much later his powers can also heal if used on a good person.

The first gizmo Arthur added to the suit was a voice changer. He’s also built camera’s in the eyes so he can record things for evidence.

Arthur ends up helping Ironman at some point, including jury rigging part of the suit. Tony looks into him and Irondad commences.

Norman does NOT know Vivi and Lewis are Squirrel Girl and Ghost because of the disassociation trinkets.

If and when lance wakes up, it’s gonna take hi all of five minutes to figure out who Spiderman is.

Chloe is…well no one knows what Chloe is, but she’s a supernatural with a special gift for fabric. She ends up remaking all their costumes.

[mystery-salad]

24 and 43!!!!!

Okay! So the first prompt is incredibly sweet and adorable and sweet BUT the second prompt is long and has a torture trigger warning!

Tender

Imekaari gazed at their sleeping face, smiling softly. It wasn’t often that Lace fell asleep before him, or at all during normal resting hours. They didn’t necessarily look at peace, that itself was rare. But they looked relaxed at least. The lines on their face were faint and an arm lay across his waist, holding him close to them even in sleep.

Raising a hand, he gently traced the lines of their face. He’d memorised every inch of them already, but seeing Lace asleep was so rare he couldn’t help the new wonder he felt at the sight. Once he was satisfied he’d traced every inch of their features Imekaari wrapped his arms around them once again and buried his face in their chest. He dozed off to the gentle rhythm of their breathing.

Undone

    Taomesin stands on the far edge of camp, twirling their staff in their hands. It's been a quiet night so far, and they're eternally grateful for the moment to breathe. So much fighting had been happening it just blended together in their head along with the ever present force of that Voice…

    But for now, there is silence, the dragon likely resting or bothering someone else, if he even did ring in anyone else’s heads like this. They almost feel as if they could even sit while keeping watch like the others do, maybe something won't come out of the jungle on their watch tonight.

    “Hey Tao!” They turn towards the tents hesitantly at the commander’s voice, confused. No one was relieving them of watch duty for three hours still, and the commander certainly did not have the next shift. Surely they're misremembering though, or plans had changed. The commander knows what should be happening after all. They wave him over before turning back towards the jungle, “Hello Commander, what are you doing up? Isn't it time for you to rest?”

    The Commander came to stand by Taomesin, a little too close for their comfort, but the knew humans tended to have smaller personal space concerns than their own. “Oh you know, just doing some thinking. You mentioned hearing a voice the other day, is that still true?”

    “Well…” they hadn't thought anyone had taken their words to heart back there, assuming that maybe they were just a bit ‘off’ or something. It'd been filed away as a need-to-deal-with-solo kind of thing, but far be it from them to turn away the sudden curiosity of their mentor and hero, “it's still there, but nothing I can't handle. Don't worry yourself on it in your spare time when you have much more concerning matters at hand after all!”

    The silence hung in the air for several moments, likely not actually as long as Taomesin felt it was as they waited for any sort of response. They expected an agreement, and for the commander to return to his ten for the night, and yet he seemed quite content where he was. “I'm not sure if I should be concerning myself with other things at this moment Taomesin, considering what we've seen of others who've heard that voice.” Taomesin heard him shift next to them, mildly curious but keeping their main focus on the jungle beyond. They were still on watch after all, and an ally at their sides was no concern compared to what lay out there.

    At least, that was the thought until a hand grabbed the back on their neck and slammed them backwards off their feet. “Which brings me to another question for you,” his voice sounded far too calm for having just attacked an ally, leaving taomesin reeling as they regained their footing, bent backwards at an uncomfortable angle. “How much has Mordremoth found out from his little spy?”

    “You think I'm a spy??” They held their footing as their neck was wrenched further back at their words, “all I've done here is for you! I would never betra-” their voice cut off as they felt a knife at their neck, wondering if this was possibly a nightmare or hallucination. There's no way their beloved commander could do this, right?

    “You can cut the act, that voice in your head means one thing just as it did for all the other minions we had to cut down.” The knife dug a shallow line into their throat, not deep enough to cause severe damage, but enough to show this was serious. “Now just tell me what he knows, and this can end quickly for us both.”

    “I don't know what you're talking about, I'm your team mate I don't know what the dragon is thinki-” the knife moved again, but not further into the neck, just gliding downwards, scraping off a thorough layer of bark as it went.

    “Hm, let's try this again, the question hasn't changed. Don't try my patience on this, I've caught your lie already.” The knife moves away from their skin, a brief relief before they're slammed backwards into the ground, knocking the air out of them. The thought to fight back hadn't even occurred to them. This was their commander, their hero and idol, this couldn't be happening surely!

    “Not even talking any more? I can't have hurt you that badly yet, your kind are sturdier than that especially when corrupted. Looks like I'll need to find your voice for you.” They saw his arm move across their vision before the knife sunk into their shoulder, stabbing clear through to the other end. Taomesin couldn't help the small shout of pain that escaped them from the sudden sting. “There it is! Care to answer the question correctly this time?”

---------------------------

    It had been over an hour, within the time to safely assure no one was up yet to check on watch shifts, but long enough for the commander to decide he wasn't going to get any answer he wanted from his target. Sighing, he stood up and wiped his knife off on a cloth, “I'd really hoped we could get somewhere with this but if I hurt you much more you'll either die or lose all semblance of speech, neither of which is handy for interrogation. Such a waste, you could have served your team one more time at least by surrendering your information”

    Taomesin was vaguely aware of being dragged before they lost consciousness completely.

---------------------------

    They woke up with a start, feeling the pressure of mordremoth’s will in their head once again. After a few moments of struggling to force it off into the back of their mind again, they looked around. Had...mordremoth actually won briefly? They had no clue where they were. It wasn't anywhere near where camp had been set up. They remembered flashes of pain and screaming, a feeling of betrayal that likely came from a moment of surrendering to that forceful will in their head. They had to find the others, had to see what happened.

    It takes a while to gain a sense of where they'd ended up, not helped by the heavy feeling their head has had since waking up, but climbing a few trees provided a vague idea of where to head. Surprisingly they'd only been a couple miles out, a short journey at a full run. By the time they returned, the others were just packing up.

    “Tao!” They turned towards the familiar voice of a teammate who waved them over, “where did you go? We were worried the jungle ate you! It looks like something certainly did happen!” They welcome a hug from the other, knowing it makes their friend feel better at least. “You guys didn't fare badly last night? I was worried something happened, either from the jungle or right here.”

    “Oh no, we've been fine. The worst that's happened is your grump of a boyfriend looking all over for you. Might want to find him quick before he starts grumbling loud enough to bug everyone!”

    “Right, I'll make sure to find him next.” They really just wanted to check in with the Commander then take a far watch post alone, but this apparently was an issue for everyone else so they may as well do it now.

    It only took a moment to find their date, once within earshot they could hear him complaining about them disappearing. It was nice that he missed them at least, it might make being near people a bit easier. Rounding a tent, they found both the commander and their date. Great, then they could get both interactions done with quickly!

    “Hey guys, I'm okay!” The looks they got were decidedly less okay. The commander looked thoroughly spooked, and their boyfriend looked mildly disgusted. “...what-”

    “What the fuck is on your head babe?”

    “My head? Is there something wrong?” They reached up to presumably touch their leaves, but were halted by something solid. A bit more mildly panicked feeling around proved what felt like two solid horns. That was very not okay. “Oooookay okayokay, it's okay I can fix this I'll get rid of them! Something happened last night and I can't remember any of it, I'll fix this though!”

    Their partner still looked disturbed, taking a few steps to the side to make a wide pass of them, “See that you do. They're hideous…”

    Well, that went poorly. But at least now they have just the Commander face to face. Time to debrief and end this morning.

[greekmythstoldbyanasshole]

Odysseus

So first off, we’re going to talk about Odysseus. Odysseus was like that smart, but weasely guy you know. The kind of guy who is great to have around if you need to find a way to sneak out of a bad blind date, but also the kind of guy who cheats on his wife while she’s sitting at home literally turning away handsome and rich guys left and right. 

But I digress. 

So, Odysseus was on his way back from the Trojan War on his way home to Ithaca. The place, not the college. At this point, his ego must have been huge, since he created the entire field of hacking when he designed the original Trojan Horse. 

After leaving Troy, Odysseus and his buddies were looking for a place to stop and chill out for a bit. I mean, I probably would have just grabbed a couple of Red Bulls and tried to power through until I got home, but that’s just me. They eventually found an island and thought, “This island probably isn’t full of monsters, so that’s cool.”

Island was totally full of monsters. It held the terrible Cyclopes, known for horrendous things like living in caves, eschewing government (and law) and grouwing crops from rain personally sprinkled by Zeus. Seriously? This is the description that these guys get? They’re horrible because they are special farmers who live in caves and fuck with the government? They’re only a few steps away from being a US Senator. 

Odysseus, feeling like Jesus, took 12 of his guys with him to do some ‘splorin’. He told everyone else to stay on board and remain at the ready at their oars, to which I’m sure the not-cool-enough-to-be-a-part-of-the-landing-party guys gave a very convincing nod and said, “Ya, we’re totally going to do that.”

O-dawg and crew then saw a cyclops and decided that the best course of action would be to follow the fucker while holding a wineskin full of specifically unmixed wine. None of that “Barefoot Red Blend” bullshit. 

Ok, so at the beginning of the story, I know I said that Odysseus was super smart, but the following tidbit makes him seem like a bit of a moron. He took one look at the big, ugly, Fox News Conspiracy touting Cyclopes and was like, “It’s customary for all Greeks to be, like, super inviting hosts, who give out sweet gifts to their guests. I’m sure these guys will be like that and not murder us in their caves or anything.”

Then, like a normal Air BnB guest, Odysseus waited in the bushes until the cylops started tending to his sheep, and then snuck into his house. 

When they got into the cave, everyone started bitching about how musty and cluttered it was, as if they hadn’t just broken in hoping for free shit. There were baskets full of cheese and animal pens full of lambs and little baby goats, who were hopefully weraing those little pajamas like you always see on Facebook. The cyclops had made a bed out of willow branches because Ikea hadn’t been invented yet. 

After a while, Odysseus’s homeboys started getting nervous about the whole, “breaking and entering” thing, so they suggested some light robbery. 

“Why don’t we just take some cheese and leave?” They asked, like dicks, “We can always come back later for some lambs.”

Odysseus decided to take the moral high ground. He packed up their things, left a nice tip and a detailed review, got back on his ship and sailed home. 

Just kidding. He acted like a baby. 

“They’re supposed to give us a gift because we’re their guests,” he pouted, knowing full well the difference between an intruder and a guest. He also had a name! How great. His name was Polyphemus, which definitely doesn’t sound like a sexuality. 

So Polyphemus came back to his house and had his sheep with him (like a normal person), rolled his rock-door into place and then milked his sheep. When he was done, he realized that there were 13 strange men in his cave. Not one to judge, but what kind of life does Polyphemus lead that he doesn’t notice 13 random guys in his house? Just how into milking his sheep does he get? Also, what were Odysseus and his crew doing while they were waiting? Politely coughing to let him know that people were watching? There are so many questions. 

When Polyphemus finally got around to talkking to them, he said, “Who the hell are you guys? Like, pirates? Or what?”

Odysseus, super pumped to get his weird guest-gift, said, “We’re Achaen soldiers. We were just fighting in Troy, but we got blown off course, so now we’re here by Fate. We’re in your cave because Zeus says that hosts should give their guests gifts...so...you know...”

“Dumbass,” Polyphemus retorted, “We’re Cyclopes, bruh. We don’t care about Zeus’s laws. We helped him defeat the Titans, so now he waters our plants. He’s essentially our sprinkler system. But,” he continued, “I do care about something. Where did you land your ship?”

As soon as Polyphemus said this, all of Odysseus’s men were probably like, “Fuck. We’re probably not getting that god-damned gift basket.”

Odysseus, though, being the king of thinky-thinky said, “We don’t have a ship. Poseidon decided to smash it against some rocks. We are the only survivors.”

Suddenly, Polyphemus remembered that he hated the number 13, so he grabbed the 2 nearest guys to him, smashed their heads against the wall, and then fucking helped himself to a nice meal. 

Cyclops Cave Air Bnb:

           We got some free cheese and the goat yoga was fantastic, but the host fucking ate my cousin. 2/5 stars

After that, the cyclops laid down on his sad excuse for a bed and went to sleep. 

After apparently just hanging out while his buddies got devoured, Odysseus pulled his sword out of his ass and charged headlong at Polyphemus. However, he paused halfway down the cave as soon as he remembered that there was a big-ass rock blocking the doorway. Remembering that he was better at verbal jousting than physical activity, Odysseus put down his sword to think up a plan. 

After waking up, the giant strolled over to his kitchen, cracked 2 eggs and made himself an omelette. Only, instead of eggs, it was men. Because this guy is just terrible. 

After this, Polyphemus led his sheep out to pasture, and rolled the stone back into place, because everyone in this story is a dick. 

At this point, Odysseus’s men start to cry, which is the first reasonable reaction anyone has had up until this point. Meanwhile, Odysseus decided to try something useful for a change. Among his weird collection of things, Polyphemus had a “hug olive wood log” which was “definitely not a dildo.” Odysseus told his men to sharpen the log and then harden it in the fire. 

When Polyphemus got back, he milked his sheep and then ate some Panda Express while watching Ellen. Nah, he ate more guys. 

After the cyclops was done eating, Odysseus gave him some of that crazy, unmixed wine. Which was apparently a big deal because, apparently back then, everyone would lose a drinking competition to a college girl named Amanda who passes out after 1 1/2 Bacardi Breezers. Anyways, Polyphemus downed it. 

“You know,” the cyclops slurred, “If you tell me your name, I’ll give you a gift.”

At this, Odysseus got a guest-gift hard-on. It didn’t matter that literally half of his men died, he was going to get some decorative bath soap. Odysseus just smiled like a sleazeball while pouring more wine. Not yet having gotten the spins, Polyphemus continued drinking. This whole cycle repeated itself again, and not until the cyclops was good and wasted did Odysseus say,

“You want to know my name? My name is Nobody. That’s definitely what everyone calls me. Nobody. I would tell you to ask my buddy over there to vouch for me, but you fucking ate him.”

Accepting this to be as normal of a name as Polyphemus, Polyphemus said, “Well, Nobody, here’s your gift: I’ll eat you last!”

At this, the cyclops laughed so hard that he threw up the wine and human bits, and then passed out in all of that. 

Gross. 

Without a moment to lose, Odysseus and his men pulled the log “out of hiding,” whatever that means, and stuck it in the fire until it was as red-hot as early 2000′s Ricky Martin. The men took the flaming rod and jammed it into the cyclops’ eye hole. Since he had killed all their buddies, they made sure to wiggle it all around and keep it there until his blood boiled out of the socket. 

Gross.

Meanwhile, Polyphemus was understandably freaking the fuck out. He was causing such a hubbub that all of the nearby cyclopes came over to see what all the yelling was about.

“Dammit, Polyphemus, what is wrong? Surely nobody is killing you by force or treachery?” they asked, apparently unaware of all the strapping young men in the cave.

Polyphemus screamed, “Yes! Nobody is killing me by force and treachery!” 

Apparently fed up with his sarcastic-ass answers, the other cyclopes said, “Ok, man. Whatever. If you are alone and screaming like that, you must be crazy. Try praying to Poseidon to cure your womanly hysteria.” And, without opening the door like decent friends, you know, to see if he was actually ok, the cyclopes just left. “Eh, he’ll be fine.”

Hearing all of his definitely-not-getting-Christmas-presents-this-year friends leave, Polyphemus screamed. He shoved the boulder out of the way and stood in the opening, ready to catch any shithead who tried to escape. However, Odysseus weren’t no bitch. 

Later that night, after the cyclops had put in his earplugs or something, Odysseus stole some branches from the branchopedic bed and used the branches to tie groups of 3 sheep together. He did this just enough times so that each of his buddies would have a 3 sheep luxury package, but not enough for him, because he was an arrogant motherfucker. 

After tying the three sheep together, he told his crew to each grab on to the belly of a sheep, which, I guess, were huge? Odysseus took the biggest ram for himself (phrasing) and held on. 

Instead of waiting until, like, 5 o’clock in the morning to grab some sheep, the poor suckers spent the whole night hanging upside down. When the sun finally rose, Polyphemus let his sheepies out to play. As the sheep went by their blind master, he tapped each one on the back to make sure no one was escaping. The following is how I picture that scene to have played out:

*pat pat*

“Hmm, this is weird. 3 of my sheep must have gotten tangled in my bed and got stuck together. I’ll deal with that later. Next!”

*pat pat*

“God, my sheep are dumb today. 3 more sheep are stuck together. Good thing I’m patting these sheep down for escaping prisoners, or I might think someone was up to something.”

*pat pat*

Odysseus and his big ram *wink wink* were the last to leave. As it came near the cave’s entrance, Polyphemus put on his Border Patrol cap and stopped the ram.

“My old buddy,” Polyphemus said to the ram, probably while looking in the wrong direction, “why are you in the back today? You usually lead the group. Maybe you feel bad that daddykins got blinded by that big, mean bully, Nobody? And he got me drunk! Rude. I’m sure if you could talk, you would tell me where he is hiding.”

But he couldn’t talk, because he was a ram, and that would not be logical. Like the rest of the story. 

Odysseus had a mild panic attack when Polyphemus *pat pat*ed his ram down, before it waddled over to its friends in the pasture. 

When all the sheep had gone far enough away from the cave, Odysseus and his men released themselves from the sheep. Can you imagine how badly their arms must have hurt at that point? I mean, I sometimes need to take a break when I’m straightening my hair, and that takes, like, 8 minutes. Tops.

After getting off the sheep with jello-for-arms, they grabbed a bunch of lambs (with their mouths?) and hauled ass down the mountain. When he finally reached his ship, Odysseus, being an arrogant moron, turned around and yelled, “You! The guy who was a dick and ate your guests, the ones who totally didn’t sneak into your shitty cave, I hope you enjoy the punishment Zeus has in store for you!”

Polyphemus, the guy who didn’t just hear the whole sheep plan, nor the sheep yoking, nor the lamb stealing, heard this taunt from forever away on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Pissed, he grabbed a piece of the mountain and threw it at the ship. It’s a whole new level of angry to rip off, and then throw, a piece of mountain. The piece of mountain grazed the ship, which resulted in a mini tsunami. This pushed Odysseus back into the shore. His crew frantically pushed the boat back out, where they doubled the distance they had before. Odysseus was about to call out to the cyclops again, but his crew told him to shut the hell up and be glad that they had escaped. However, Odysseus was mad and arrogant, and Twitter didn’t have the balls to block his account, even with all the racism and threats of nuclear war, so he yelled again. 

“Cyclops! If anyone asks you who blinded you, you can tell them it was Odysseus of Ithaca!”

Hearing this, Polyphemus remembered a prophesy he’d heard about the Boy Who Lived. No, not that one. About Odysseus. He prayed to Poseidon in the style of Veruca Salt, if Veruca Salt had become a dictator. 

“Don’t let Odysseus make it home! Actually, no. Let him go home, but all his friends die! And...it takes forever! And when he gets there, there’s a whole bunch of shit going on! And make his lawyer get arrested for paying off a prostitute! And kill his hamster!”

After praying/bitching, Polyphemus threw another mountain chunk at Odysseus. This throw also resulted in a mini tsunami that pushed his boat to shore. This time, however, it pushed the boat towards the rest of Odysseus’s fleet, which apparently existed. Instead of booking it, the men decided that right then was the best time for a gyro, so they ate a feast of the lambs they had stolen and drank DILUTED wine. When the sun rose the next morning, they took sail. They were happy to be alive, but also really sad about the guys who had been turned into BK’s Chicken Fries. 

But, the fun was just beginning because Poseidon was pissed. 

[redscullyrevival]

Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans

I’m preserving here all my liveblogging and commentary from twitter because this is the better space for keeping track of my self discussion. Yeah, no one cares, ANYWAYS

Gundam IBO Episodes 1-3

Gundam IBO: *puts main characters in a flashback in the first episode* Me: 

Ah yes, the political girl who understands nothing of the hard man life. Good old Gundam.     

I love Biscuit.

So far I'm a big fan of this shows policy on showing angry boys teeth.

Orga's hair is genius. No hats for dramatic flare, just that pointy bang. So good.

Millennial vs Boomer vibes, haha, love it.

Oh GOD Biscuit has sisters named Cookie and Cracker I am so happy.

I giggle every time I hear "Lieutenant Crank" because I am a idiot.

Did the Gundam nerds whine about Barbatos' tiny waist? Seems like a hill some would die on.

Surprisingly fine with Atra's crush on Mikazuki. It's cute! Not played weird or funky, so far. They seem like they'd get along really well actually - similar temperaments and background and all that.

Oh shit these kids are about to do a bad ain't they? Go get 'em.

I'd keep the accountant too - I don't wanna do any fuckin' math either.

Hate Beer-gut-Hitler-stache, when does some kid kill him? Soon hopefully.

His full name iS CRANK  Z E N T  

Political girl admires strong tiny boy for being coerced into dangerous life choices and options. Good old Gundam!

Mika isn't a victim so it's fine. This is fine. He is fine. They're all fine. Everything is fine. It's fine.

These poor babies. They're not gonna be okay. 

Thoughts:

This is gonna be a big old thing ain't it? I've seen enough Gundam to know this one is going to hurt and in all the ways other Gundam titles try to tragic but fail. I can see that from way out here in the boondocks.

Mikazuki is incredibly concerning and he and Orga are gonna probably tear each other a part. That's the shit thing about existing in a constant mode of survival. They don't have time for inner reflection and they don't know how do even do that. These babies are already slipping.

Which gives the less-than-palatable title a lot of weight. "Iron-Blooded Orphans" sounds cool I guess but mostly it's sad. What a sad thing to see from an outside perspective. It's strength for them, it's pride, I get that, but I don't think as the viewer I am meant to buy in. Or shit, lol, maybe I am but I'm just a reserved asshole. I like to think I'll be hurt less later if I point out I can see the plot trembles now but we all know that's not true.

Very interested to see what Kudelia grows to do in all this. She'll remain political and maybe teach the Orphans about talking about their feelings - I dunno. She'll do something, obviously, I just have no clear idea /what/ so far. Which is fair, only episode three.

The handsome kid with the earrings (don't remember his name, too scared to search it) is definitely bisexual though. That's facts. Sorry.

Looks like this series will forgo the expectation of some pilot screaming about peace while blowing absolutely everything up. Ending of the third episode is a bit on the nose with the thematic line IBO is choosing to walk but I dug it.

Lots to look forward to! Lots will change! I adore the cast which of course makes me very fearful lol. They're hardened kids, they're stuck in survival mode, I can connect with that. What's interesting is their bonds and comfort with each other.

It's safe to assume they're gonna see some wild shit but they will have each other (until they don't) and whose a sucker for found-family feelings? THIS BITCH. 

Gundam IBO episodes 4-7    

McGillis Fareed is a creep, you heard it here first folks. 

This guy is gonna have some wild backstory. He is the unmasked Char dude so. His hair bang is out to rival Orga's. 

~ CINEMATIC PARALLELS ~

I love Akihiro is literally the guy from Beserk. He is pulling an AU role. Good for him.

The children are out here trying to change space future. I love them.

Ohhhh. She is here to teach the lost boys to READ.

Yeah, Orga and Mika's relationship keeps them alive but it can't last. They're gonna get hurt my babies are gonna ndndndnnsn

It's a judging love, a push and shove ya know? They're great protagonists, very compelling. Their relationship is bueatiful in it's own way but a honest writer knows they can't maintain that status quo if the characters are to grow. Especially into adulthood.

Hello cute pigtailed woman doing her nails in space! How can this one show keep treating me so well? Haha! 

 *famous last words, probably*

Okay there is some background mechanic guy and I haven't caught his name yet but he is blonde and styling a swoop do over one eye and his voice actor is so friggin familiar even just the like few lines he has had so far. I'm going on a search wish me luck.

Ahh! Character's name is Yamagi and the voice actor is Soma Saito who was Twelve in Terror in Resonance!  Phew. Okay, back at it go time.

This power couple in the hat and shapely tummy scar, jeez. This show thrives on contrasting character designs but this one is, heh, this is new. Seems out of place almost. 

PS>> Handsome bisexual earring boy is KILLING IT. 

A+ pop into more scenes please thanks

It may be still too early to declare but I think Eugene is in the running to join my idiot son collection. He's got those expressive reactions that I just *clenches fist* that I just love so damn much.

lady pilots lady pilots lady pilots

I know ladies sitting at space computers in bikini tops isn't for any (good) reason but I need people to know that ladies in space would be hanging out in bikini tops for their own fantastic reasons and because I know this I shall accept events.

Idiot Son CONFIRMED

Atra x Kudelia WHEN?! Don't you let me down Mari Okada - I know what you're like!!!

Yamagi the cutie is gay. I'm filled with so much pride. *wipes tear*

These reckless bastard children are gonna be the death of me. 

 I adore how anyone with any kind of heart is moved by these kids. By their shared known history, by their current situation, their guts and their clever gambits.

There is such potential for wonderful storytelling when adult characters are made to stop and consider kids - not as lesser but as whole people in their own right.

Thoughts:

So McGillis Fareed is a creepo. Why do I think this? Well he didn’t bat an eye at accepting a child bride, I consider that a big friggin' tip off. Also, he exudes way too much effort.

I’m still early in the series so I may end up making a fool of myself surrounded by people who already know everything I don’t, but I’ll go ahead and try to explain my thinky thoughts anyhow.

I was only partially joking when I said CINEMATIC PARALLELS.

Pretty sure McGillis is being positioned against Orga and I say this because of their opposing character design and traits. McGillis consistently pulling on his bang was the tip off - hear me out!

The visual language of animation works differently than live action. Naturally by the medium what characters are bottom up designed to do are often times filled with more thematic intent than an actor forming characterization in collaboration with a director/a production. Plus, McGillis and Orga’s designs are intentional echos of one another within their stark differences, which is smart. This is a big cast that has varied character designs which have opposing tying traits (MORE ON THAT LATER) so their differences are what makes them similar.

I think these two leaders are more alike than what I’ve seen so far. I think the point is that Orga’s trials and struggle are more outright visible by his own choice whereas McGillis’ are hidden by him.

Orga never touches his wack hair even though he has a massive killer bang blocking his vision half the time. He isn’t seeking to change what lot he has been given in life and he isn’t trying to hide behind a fake persona. As orga states, “I am who I am.” A child.

McGillis constantly touches his hair while visibly contemplating. This guy is all calculated effort and performance. He isn’t who he presents himself as. Quite the adult.

Moving on to Orga and Mika and this show's brilliant use of opposing character designs: Jeepers Creepers, check out them Peepers edition.

Mika has big eyes. They're great. Because his eyes are so wide all the time it isn't shock we need to worry about with him. It's when he narrows his eyes. We saw this when he tried to choke out Gaelio (which, can I just say, noice).

You know who knows this better than anyone? Orga.

More and more we see Orga turning to Mika for approval, for motivation, for inspiration in his choices and push for whatever the hell it is Tekkadan is going to become. Orga has the smallest eyes of the cast, they're beady and cunning, even more so than McGillis (yikes). I think it's safe to say that Orga observes more than Mika, that Mika just watches things impassively as Orga ascertains what he assumes are Mika's wants.

And it's that type of thing where... The system works. Mika's wide, waiting, eyes keeps Orga on his toes. Keeps him thinking ahead, keeps him and everyone else relatively safe. But! But. There is a undercurrent of disproportion happening. I don't doubt these two love each other. I doubt that they understand their own dynamic. Any shift or change in this system and shit goes south very quickly. So naturally, I worry.

In lighter news OH MY GOD YAMAGI HUH?! Shy mechanic boy loves earring boy as much as I do - we are forever bonded in this way. He is my friend and I want only happiness for him. Ganbatte Yamgai, fuckin' get it boy.

Gundam IBO episodes 8-11

Yes, recap my idiot son Eugene's skills! If Akihiro is the guy from Berserk then Eugene is AU Makoto Tachibana from Iwatobi Swim Club, btw 

The nonchalant babes at the controls are my BFFs.

I love the bit the in opening that's right away during "with all your voice" where Mika and Orga turn pause turn pause turn - what a simple but effective emotional pull, right? gurgle

Oh, it's his harem. Yes. Naturally. Of course. I don't hate this. Am I broken?

ohmygod I think it's because Naze Turbine looks like Ryoji Kaji. I will never be free.

HahahHAHAHAAHAAHAHA! Babies in space! Planting those seeds! HAHAH PLANTING SEEDS okay calming down. What am I to make of the editing in this scene? We've got Atra grasping her Mika charm then we're cutting away to Kudelia I'm freaking out right now.

B-b-b-budget episode! My favorite kind! Play with those jump cuts, yeaaaah!

Naze has a sweet spot for kids and wacky found families. Loves it.

This guy is defiantly space Marlon Brando in The Godfather right? That's intentional right?

This is a really awkward dinner time conversation. :D

Party time! Have fun kids, be safe, you make me very nervous.

Drunk Orga!

*SOBS*

Yamagi is jealous oh no oh my sweet little man oh it's okay!

I need everyone to know I'm deeply emotional about this family of lost boys and their big day and everyone is dressing up and JESUSSS

For a dude with a hat fetish and a harem Naze Turbine is a pretty good father figure so far, huh? He best hope it stays that way. *Whispers* It really is Kaji all over again...

I haven't praised the Old Man yet but Nadi is best and I would kill for him.

Hey, psst, hey in the opening Gaelio bending up into frame while McGillis slyly looks on is some really high quality queerbaiting. Top notch stuff.

These two fuckers hate each other but they like don't care? I don't know. I hate them. I love them. They're stupid make them stop.

The accountant is now like some magical loving math grandpa to all these rowdy boys my heart is so full!

Norba Shino, my love, your insecurities are great and many. Boobs this, boobs that! ... He isn't wrong actually. 

Go team bisexual d i s a s t e r

I'm getting Takaki's back story, he is off to train in the simulator I DO NOT LIKE THIS 

Flustered Orga is just, well it's very good. It's great. It's so sweet I'll put in my tea so I can drink it and get warm fuzzies forever. 

Atra and Kudelia are so good together, they're another pair of characters with contrasting yet corresponding character designs that are just so fantastic!

DING DING DING figured out the editing of the baby scene and yes oh boy seeds were planted! Ecstatic. Don't be a coward show! 

Haha, yeah right.

...Maybe though. Maybe. I think the biggest problem would be Mika because he's, well he is him isn't he? 

Now Takaki is tagging along on patrol and I’m getting Akihiro’s backstory. Great. That’s not ominous.        

BEEP BEEP BEEP an Ahab Reactor duh doy oh jeez oh come on kids 

Thanks for the save Mika! HAHA I was worried. They got me. 

Yes, the set up for Akihiro's brother is lazy but whatever I'm invested. 

 "Come on, come on, come on!" lol this fork tongued pirate kinda looks like a human Momotaros. I'm digging this creep. 

TAKAKI NO!     

Azee is my wife. We're very happy. 

Friggin' Ein standing around muttering and holding Crank's pin like lolol do your job or something.

"All I want to do is kill those boys" like come on Ein no you don’t, just go do some fucking paper work. I'm sure you've been ignoring plenty. 

No. Nope. NOPE. Absolutely not.  

This show knows this isn't okay. It's showing us it isn't okay. Flowers in the Attic is over here touching hot tea pots, like??? McGillis is a creep and he has some junked up plan or scheme or whatever. Blerg. 

Pfft, McGillis is touching that hair bang all "A powerful piece that could shake up the regime" HUH HERR I wonder who?   

These kids are too good and too well adjusted - it's great. I mean, it's sometimes a bit much like in this instance with Akihiro and his bro, but that's also what makes it nice. What makes the show compelling. You trust these characters to trust each other at this point.   

Thoughts: 

The dominoes are setting up and we're getting to that point where almost all the pieces of mystery in the show's opening are all out on the table. Very exciting.

Can't wait to learn what the hell McGillis is up to. He is the exact kind of character I actually really like, because I'm the worst. The child bride is, you know, shitty but I don't think the show is (so far) trying to display it as anything but A Situation™

Frankly, the entire thing with Almiria is (so far!) a play on how these characters are still kind of kids in their own way. Obviously Almira, but McGillis and Gaelio are still at the whims of their own parents and forever will be at the beck and call of their "families".

Tekkadan are more overtly children but they're wiggling out from under another's thumb and carving a space to move around and have some self definition. McGillis is, I can guess, is going to try and do the same for himself (especially after his little chess speech).

McGillis' extreme acceptance of Almiria is partially gross and partially understandable. It's both. Because it is both! Being shitty to Almiria won't gain him any points and he is going to use her, his parents already predetermined that. Eeehhh. Wait and see I guess.

I adore the dynamics of this big cast of characters, the boys feel so real and I live to see them acknowledge one another's strengths and hopes and fears. ;_;

Like most Gundam properties (other than GWing, yeah I said it!) the female cast is a bit washy, a bit too reactionary towards an thus defined by the male ensamble but I don't dislike anyone.

There is a divide between the female characters and the male characters, they share the same physical space but their narratives are not aligned and that's okay but it is a little frustrating. I'm a patient soul and I love (and know) the Gundam franchise so I'm good but maaaan. I really want the ladies to get through on this one. I really want them to want things for themselves beyond being pulled by their boy peers. They don't need to fight. They don't need to yell. Who they are now is good, there is a good foundation. They just need a gear shift, especially in the realization that they're not just along for the ride. And I am mostly thinking of Atra at this point. I love her because she is easy to love but I also know that's through careful positioning and not due to anything inherent in her.  

We will end this bout how I think many of these will end; YELLING ABOUT YAMAGI.

Yamagi is a sweet boy who deserves the world! Norba Shino is a human disaster who (headcanon) is going through a lot of confusing emotional and hormonal stuff right now so please be strong Yamagi.

Gundam IBO episodes 12-14

I love Ms. Merribit. Anyone will tell you I'm a sucker for responsible ladies in pant suits. 

I love these Man Rodi the Brewers use. A good chuby boy in heels.

They made Mika's lunch TOGETHER.

TOGETHER.

My man Nadi knows what's up.

That's what I'm talkin' about! Mari Okada I trust you so much girl.

At some point Orga's tough guy smirk is going to be used in a way that pains and hurts me and I will probably die.

space battle space battle space battle I am a nerd space battle!

The ladies are covering for Akihiro. They want these brothers to reunite. *crying*

Masahiro's voice actor is giving an amazing performance.

Aw damn it.

Episode 13's opening is straight forward but rough: Norba's search crew find Brewer's human debris, passes them over, but those scared kids shoot which causes the Tekkadan kids to react and return fire. It's played straight as being it is what it is - a shit cycle of getting out.

The child solider/space rat stuff is, I feel, primarily used by the show to explore various forms of abusive fallout (which is why the Tekkadan kids fairly well adjusted existence is a little weird but deeply appreciated) and this quick moment punctuates Akihiro's goodbye.

A guest compliments Almiria, "She is like a doll!" 

She is, isn't she?

Kill me.

UH OH she has realized she is nine. 

Let me guess, McGillis is going to be a white knight oh yep here he comes. Great.     

I'm hitting pause and I'm going on a wild ass fuckin' tangent:

I feel younger kids having crushes on older people all depends on how it's handled by the older character, much as in life. Kids crush on adults. They do. That's not like weird or strange. What's important is how adults are made to handle those feelings (if known) and a story can go in so many different directions for so many different reasons and that's fine. That's storytelling. I shall judge all stories individually as they cross my path with whatever elements they have within them. That's how I do it.

So McGillis being charming and nice towards Alimaria is, again, fine and a little icky simultaneously. We know he is stuck. He is not out to ruffle any family plans. He is cucumbering this shit and being as smooth as possible alternative motive I don't know yet.

Alimaria is at the utmost disadvantage here. 

Within their specific scenario the only character we've seen consider her as a person who is also stuck in a hamster wheel of shitty parents is McGillis.

Obviously McGillis is a total shit-bird who is simply being nice because that's what is advantageous for HIM but the show is still (barely, mind you) straddling that line of "This Is Just A Situation™, we'll rip the Band-Aid Later"

McGillis is going to do something absolutely terrible to this girl and I am weary as fuck.

The series is being very manipulative with McGillis' actions here with Alimaria. He is being considerate but he is also stepping over a line.

McGillis is presented as being understanding and seems to genuinely care about Alimaria's feelings which makes him come off as, well, nice and princely. Which is undoubtedly what he wants. Which is what kind of makes him a monster, ya feel me? 

Eh, okay, incoherent late night ranting done. Back to sad boys and robots. 

THESE POOR SAD BOYS. 

This funeral is hitting me in my soft bits I can't deal

And it's followed up by Yamagi x Shino content just rub salt in my wounds JESUS 

UHHHH PARDON ME?!?!?!? I hate this episode! Deaths? Kisses? UGH. Mika is an dummy. He is full of dumb.  

They're making sure to show Atra sneezing though, as if someone mentioned her name explicitly which is just more weird ass editing choices I don't know how to take. What are you trying to tell me?! 

I'm stupid and a low life so I don't actually hate all love triangles. In fact I tend to rub angst all over my body so I can smell like disappointment and unresolved sexual tension but Mika is still a total dummy end of discussion. 

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ┻━┻        

NEW OPENING BITCHES!

MASKED PILOT MASKED PILOT I AM YELLING!

New opening has got it all! Just absolutely everything! We've got a masked pilot; we've got some new looking girl straight out of CLAMP's X/1999 or some shit; we've got sad boy's angry teeth; did I make this? Is this a dream?

Fumitan ain't gonna rat Kudelia out! At least... I don't want her to anyways.

Kudelia is straight up asking this lesbian about men I can't believe her.

Hehheh heeh heh hehe "Dort" hehe 

I adore the weirdness and chafing of Merribit and Orga's working relationship.

Oh my god guys, they're at Fantasy Costco! These girls are gonna clean these stinky boys and make that there ship sparkle. It's girly manifest destiny. 

"So no matter which planet you're on, the bossy ones are scums" - That's my idiot son Eugene who is actually one of the smarter of the idiot boys. 

I love the juxtaposition of these colony adults drinking the juice on the political Mars girl and her mighty teen protector warriors out to save them when it's really them asking lesbians for advice on men and trying to survive and crying when no one is looking. 

I'm serious, Orga is borderline terrified of Ms. Merribit. She's just another pair of waiting judging eyes for him and he doesn't know how to deal with her because she actually SAYS STUFF. 

Biscuit you be careful baby, watch your back. 

Loooooove the juxtaposition of these colony adults being super psyched to get blown up and these kids are like "Christ almighty, put that down!" 

Shino helping Yamagi escape (~˘▾˘)~ 

These boys are out here doing their job, doing their best, they're on their best behavior and they've been set up. My precious children! They've done nothing wrong, ever! 

"Maybe I'll change the way I talk, huh? ... No, I will not do that." Goddammit I love McGillis and I'm sooooooooooo mad about it.  

Thoughts:

We've had Snake-Man-Pirate suggest to Mika that he enjoys killing but we haven't really been given any evidence of that. I'm sticking to my self-made theory on Mika's eyes!

He has that big wide stare most of the time, Mika doesn't actually have much personal investment in most of what he does. He doesn't love killing, but he doesn't have any real opinion on it either way. It isn't like when he choked out Gaelio or, now, kissing Kudelia.

I'm full power launching myself into deep fannish space because that's how I media but like, I'm not crazy right? Mika's eyes are IMPORTANT. They're about all we're given in understanding him, which is wild for the main Gundam pilot protagonist. The emphasis on Mikazuki's eyes within his design and being the only markers the audience is given when it comes to inner choices is a big gambit. We're 14 episodes in and don't have much of a grasp on Mika and I think that's because he has never once self defined. He is the ultimate of the poor sad robot boys. Akihiro is struggling with his humanity and the label of his existence ("human debris") with all the characters starting to find space and time to turn inward and then there is Mika.   

I don't think he knows how to live life while not only trying to survive. So, what's going to boot his self defined existence online? Piloting Barbatos? Kissing girls? Familial love?    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

McGillis being a masked pilot this late into the game with no charade about "Who can it BEeeeEEeE?!?" is my favorite thing. Haven't even seen him in an episode yet just a preview but oh, it's my favorite thing.

We'll end this short thoughts binge on the beauty that is Yamagi and why I am somewhat upset:

IBO has a very tight turn around of set up and follow through. There is (I'm assuming) a longer, slower set up with end game (probably tragic) follow through happening in concordance with the two episode story arc rhythm the series has going so far.

Quick simplified examples can be

Akihiro mentions his brother > we meet his brother > his brother chooses to die/save him > kids learn some on how to handle grief. 

Turbine has a harem > everyone accepts this > kids learn some on how to handle a found, self defined family.

The pattern is "If the kids meet a thing, that thing becomes possible."

We ain't seen no men loving men. We've not come across a viable example in the narrative of that being a option or choice or possibility. 

There are a lot of episodes left and this isn't like a make or break situation for me, but we are inching up on the set up stage being over with and if there is no example, no proof, of men being able to love men then...? I'm hesitant to invest.

I still will invest hook line and sinker, this is Gundam and damn that’s what I do 

BUT! 

That's also just so frustrating and sad as well as being, haha, believable. If there is no example encouraging Yamagi to approach Shino and no example for Shino to see acceptance then they're just gonna run out of time or figure their shit out too late.

Which is so very extremely stressful and masterfully manipulative how dare you I'm so impressed but mad and hurt and god I hope I'm wrong and off and have not tapped into this show's core of foreshadowing or whateverthehell.

Yamagi is a sweet boy who deserves the world and Norba Shino is a human disaster and I suffer for them.

[makerkenzie]

Grassroots justice

Not quite sure where this is going, but I want to do a little thinky on the role of the smallfolk in the Riverlands situation. Start from this conversation here:

Jaime pulled back his golden fingers and turned once more to Lady Mariya. “How far did Black Walder track this hooded woman and her men?”

“His hounds picked up their scent again north of Hag’s Mire,” the older woman told him. “He swears that he was no more than half a day behind them when they vanished into the Neck.”

“Let them rot there,” declared Ser Kennos cheerfully. “If the gods are good, they’ll be swallowed up in quicksand or gobbled down by lizard-lions.”

“Or taken in by frogeaters,” said Ser Danwell Frey. “I would not put it past the crannogmen to shelter outlaws.”

“Would that it were only them,” said Lady Mariya. “Some of the river lords are hand in glove with Lord Beric’s men as well.”

“The smallfolk too,” sniffed her daughter. “Ser Harwyn says they hide them and feed them, and when he asks where they’ve gone, they lie. They lie to their own lords!”

“Have their tongues out,” urged Strongboar.

“Good luck getting answers then,” said Jaime. “If you want their help, you need to make them love you. That was how Arthur Dayne did it, when we rode against the Kingswood Brotherhood. He paid the smallfolk for the food we ate, brought their grievances to King Aerys, expanded the grazing lands around their villages, even won them the right to fell a certain number of trees each year and take a few of the king’s deer during the autumn. The forest folk had looked to Toyne to defend them, but Ser Arthur did more for them than the Brotherhood could ever hope to do, and won them to our side. After that, the rest was easy.”

Martin, George R.R.. A Feast for Crows (A Song of Ice and Fire, Book 4) (p. 510). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Here’s Jaime’s framework for pulling the rug out from under outlaw bands: both outlaws and nobles are dependent on the smallfolk. Nobles tend to think it’s the other way around, but realistically, the nobility needs to have a reliable population of commoners to grow their food, make their clothes, and maintain their castles. Many nobles are so accustomed to the smallfolk giving them tireless productivity and unflagging loyalty, they don’t see how their lifestyles depend on the common people far more than vice versa. 

Meanwhile, outlaw bands also cannot exist without the peasantry on their side. Outlaw bands tend to be poor on infrastructure, liquid assets, and other resources. Their combat style relies on subterfuge rather than brute force. Common households give them hiding space so they can escape detection and capture by the nobles’ knights and men-at-arms. Commoners feed them so the outlaws can approach the nobles on their own terms. To neutralize the threat posed by outlaw bands, the nobility needs to have the peasantry on their side. 

That’s where Jaime comes in and says: you don’t brute-force the peasants’ loyalty. The way to deny the outlaws their support system is by being nice to the smallfolk. Not just nice, but respectful. Ser Arthur Dayne was generous and communicative with the people supporting the Kingswood Brotherhood. He made them feel heard and appreciated. He showed them that the crown would allow them greater security and prosperity if they supported the crown’s interests. Without the shelter, food and discretion of the smallfolk, the Kingswood Brotherhood were vulnerable and easily defeated. 

For a little digression, I want to ask: can anyone imagine Tywin Lannister taking this approach to law enforcement? Lord Tywin, the one who arranged the gang-rape of a young girl because she had the cheek to give her love to his son? Jaime had to learn that from Ser Arthur, and only when his father was far, far away, because Lord Tywin would’ve washed his mouth out with soap. 

That much aside, if we look at Jaime’s leadership in his Feast/Dance arc, he’s already taken an interest in playing nicely with the smallfolk. He orders his soldiers to stay out of the fields, he has them stay in the village and use their own provisions at Pennytree, for example. He also executes one of the Mountain’s guys (ergo the crown’s forces now) for merely attempting to rape a serving girl. By demonstrating to his soldiers a zero-tolerance policy on rape, he’s making the women of the Riverlands much safer. 

He doesn’t think of this as the way to disempower the outlaws, though. The fields are off-limits and the villagers’ pantries remain untouched because the commoners need to eat. The attempting rapist has to die because girls like Pia shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. 

However, this is not to say Jaime doesn’t respect the danger posed by outlaws in the Riverlands. He’s not about to be lax with security at Castle Darry:

The castle gates swung open slowly. “My coz will not have room to accommodate a thousand men,” Jaime told Strongboar. “We’ll make camp beneath the western wall. I want the perimeters ditched and staked. There are still bands of outlaws in these parts.” 

“They’d need to be mad to attack a force as strong as ours.” 

“Mad or starving.” Until he had a better notion of these outlaws and their strength, Jaime was not inclined to take any risks with his defenses. “Ditched and staked,” he said again, before spurring Honor toward the gate.

Martin, George R.R.. A Feast for Crows (A Song of Ice and Fire, Book 4) (p. 502). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. 

Again, it’s not a matter of brute force, it’s about the balance of risk and benefit. Widespread hunger makes the army’s work more difficult. And he understands that his father’s warmongering has left a lot of Riverlanders with little to eat. 

Not that the Lannisters are all alone in taking food out of peasants’ mouths:

“Can we starve the castle out?” 

Ser Daven shook his head. “The Blackfish expelled all the useless mouths from Riverrun and picked this country clean. He has enough stores to keep man and horse alive for two full years.”

Martin, George R.R.. A Feast for Crows (A Song of Ice and Fire, Book 4) (p. 555). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Here’s the contrast between Uncle Brynden and Lord Edmure Tully: when Edmure has frightened smallfolk, he brings them into the castle. Catelyn thinks it’s sweet of him to have that impulse, but when a castle is about to be under siege, you don’t want to increase the ratio of warm bodies to food stores. Then we have Uncle Brynden the Blackfish, who chases the inessential folks out of the castle AND scours all the spare food stores from the countryside to keep the castle out of the Freys’ hands. 

In terms of giving the middle finger to the Freys and Lannisters, Uncle Brynden knows what he’s doing. In terms of maintaining relations with the smallfolk, though…the peasants don’t care about which family holds Riverrun nearly as much as they care about how they’ll feed their kids through the winter. When they’re going hungry, they’ll remember who emptied out their pantries. Jaime seems to think their chances of capturing the Blackfish are slim following the Riverrun surrender, and that may be true, but at the same time, I’m not sure how far Blackfish will get in a countryside that he made sure to pick clean of food. 

And I don’t think the Freys are making themselves any more popular with the peasantry, either, but they’re not the ones who took the bread off hungry Riverlanders’ tables. Just sayin’, the smallfolk may not be real invested in the position of House Tully in the near future.

Surely, there’s a reason for Feast/Dance having so much to say about the realm, especially the Riverlands, going hungry following the war. Maybe it’s simply GRRM’s way of showing us how the Riverlands are a tinderbox and it’s about to get very ugly very soon. That much may be true, but then so much of our data on the Riverlands situation comes to us through Jaime’s consideration for the smallfolk. The part where he advises Ami and Mariya on how to keep the smallfolk on their side, especially, is noteworthy.

Will any of this play a role in Brienne and Jaime’s conflict with Zombie Catelyn and the Gang? I’m not sure what, if any, that role would be. I think it’s a factor that should be kept in consideration, though, until we get TWOW. They’re dealing with outlaws, depending on smallfolk, and Jaime has some well-tested ideas about how to interact with outlaws and with smallfolk.