#all she achieves w it is making me not shave even if i would want to

[ilynpilled]

older women in ur life being like “u r so attractive but ugh shave ur legs u will never get a man!!” is so hilarious on so many lvls bc 1. idgaf 2. if that is a dealbreaker to a man then this is a pretty good self-selection process ill be fr

[downondilaudid]

Anatomy Lesson

Reader has some sex trouble, out of all people to ask for help, she asks Spencer Reid. 

Requested: Nope

Prompts: Nada

Word Count: 5.2K

Warnings: It’s pretty much just straight smut

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” -- Mae West

Your head fell back against the plush pillow with an annoyed groan. You threw the vibrator to the side, watching it roll across the bed, once again you were unable to achieve an orgasm. It was almost always like this, even in past relationships you found yourself having to often fake orgasms. You definitely didn’t have a low libido, you considered your sex drive to be slightly above average, but an orgasm for you was hardly ever attainable, especially not solo. 

Maybe it was the fact you had always been a sucker for rough sex, it was easier for you to come while being totally dominated. All of your past relationships had been fairly vanilla, they either weren’t into it or still couldn’t get you off. 

You were desperate for an orgasm at this point, were you doing something wrong, was something wrong with you? You had to find out, you had exhausted all of your options. There was one thing left to try, you had to ask Spencer, I mean, he was your best friend, and a genius, he would know. He wouldn’t find it totally weird, right? 

You had decided Friday would be the perfect day to ask him, Friday, at the end of the day, where you could avoid him until Monday if the conversation headed South. 

“Hey, uh, Spence?” You questioned, luckily, by the grace of God, you were the last two packing up to head home after a long week. 

“Hm?” A sugar-crashed Spencer answered. 

“I have a question, it’s sort of-Oh God how do I word this?” There was no backing out now, you had to ask. 

Spencer stopped what he was doing, his brows furrowed in concern. He laid his files onto his desk, walking around it briskly towards you. “What is it? Did something happen?” 

“No-no-I just, I was just wondering” you took a deep breath, letting your words flow together as fast as possible “how unlikely is it for someone to be unable to achieve an orgasm during sex?”

Spencer’s face flushed slightly, automatically stuffing his hands into his pockets, a habit you had noticed he did when he was nervous or uncomfortable. “I-uh-well, I mean, statistically during- uhm, intercourse, only around 20% of women have an...o-orgasm, and around 5% of women never have orgasms during intercourse.” 

You nodded your head, keeping your eyes trained on your desk, straightening a set of files. Well, that was good to know, there definitely wasn’t something wrong with you then. Maybe you just needed a man's touch, and, yes, that is a horrible thing to say. Usually, you weren’t so dependent, especially dependent on a man alone, but you needed some form of relief, and if a male could give it to you, then you would take it.  

Spencer cleared his throat, “are you, uh, having t-trouble?” 

For some reason you didn’t want to answer the question, the topic was already embarrassing enough, and admitting aloud that you were having trouble orgasming doubled that embarrassment. “Y/N?” Spence’s tentative voice brought you out of your stupor. 

Huffing, you grabbed the files shoving them into your bag and throwing it over your shoulder. You turned, continuing to look everywhere except at Spencer, beginning your trek to your car.

You were halfway to the elevator when Spencer caught up to you, his hand coming to lay on your shoulder. “Y/N, It’s nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, it’s quite normal, especially for someone who isn’t in a relationship.” 

You pushed your shoulder back, moving away from his touch. “Let’s not talk about it, I shouldn’t have even asked, it was a stupid question.” You stepped into the elevator, Spencer hot on your trail. 

“It’s not a stupid question, Y/N, it’s perfectly normal. Out of curiosity, are you just-is it just-vaginal penetration?” The elevator doors shut, and you were regretting ever asking the question. 

“Nope, Spencer, it’s not.” You huffed. It shouldn’t be this uncomfortable to talk about your sex life, but this was Spencer we’re talking about. Spencer was practically asexual!

“Maybe you should try relaxing, your mind at least, sometimes if you’re distracted by other things it’ll become hard to achieve an orgasm. It’s actually the opposite for your body, a lot of women report feeling tension, especially in their abdomen and legs during or before an orgasm.” Spencer stated, watching as you walked out of the elevator, following after you.

Since when did Spencer get so open talking about sex? Sure he was a bit hesitant, but, to be honest, you didn’t even know if he was going to answer, let alone in this detail. “Thanks, Spence.” You said curtly, it was a little wrong for you to be so upset when you were the one who asked the question, but you were already stressed enough. 

Here you were, one warm bath later, laying on your bed, butt naked, once again.

Still, you couldn’t orgasm. Shamefully, you had even gone as far as choking yourself, playing out one of the dirtiest fantasies you could think of in your head. When that didn’t work you switched to visuals, which definitely brought you closer to the edge, but wasn’t enough to push you over into the sweet bliss 

Surprisingly Spencer didn’t say anything about your awkward encounter on Monday, or the rest of the week, until Friday. Once again, you and Spencer were the last two, Spencer had been going over the files from the most recent case, and you were filling out some paperwork, trying to get ahead of the load Hotch was going to give you next week.

“Spencer, it’s over. She’s safe, and that bastard is off to prison.” 

He sighed deeply in response, one of his long slender fingers pressed thoughtfully against his lips. “I just don’t understand how I didn’t see it sooner.”

You scoffed, “Spencer, you may be a genius, but no one expects you to know everything, you don’t have to know everything. Spence,  you’re going to kill yourself trying to figure out everything. You’re always so stressed, you just need to relax, let go, read a book, or listen to some music, do something that calms you.”

Spencer turned to you, his hazel eyes bearing into yours, “speaking of stressful, how’s your, uhm, problem?” His hands stuffed into his pockets comfortably. 

You let out a short chuckle, as uncomfortable as talking about your sex life with Spencer was, the sight of Spencer flustered and stuttering was definitely humorous. “Spencer, stop trying to distract me, you need to stop stressing over closed cases.”  

“So, you haven’t cum yet?” Spencer questioned, pulling his hands out of his pockets. 

You swear your eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, Spencer had never been that forward, especially not talking about sex, and especially not with you. Your mouth fell open, not completely sure how to respond.

“That was too forward, wasn’t it?” Spencer questioned, realization seeping through his voice. 

You nodded your head, mouth still hung open. 

“And you tried relaxing, but also simultaneously letting yourself be tense?” 

“Yes, Spence.” 

He went silent for a while, turning around and beginning to gather his things. 

And you thought the conversation had ended, and he had decided to drop it, and hopefully go home and relax, but alas, you were wrong. 

“You know, I could always, uhm, help you, i-if you want.” Spencer stuttered, his face flushing with an awkward smile. 

At first, you thought you were hearing things, that sentence had not come out of Spencer’s mouth. You didn’t even know how to respond, he obviously wasn’t joking. I mean, sure, Spencer was very attractive, but you had never really thought of him as anything more than a friend. 

“W-what do you mean?” You knew what he meant, at least you thought you did, but you didn’t want to risk being wrong. 

Spencer grabbed his satchel, placing it across his body, “I mean I could help you, you know, help you, uh, o-orgasm.” 

Holy Shit. You were right. 

“W-we don’t have to, obviously, I just-it sounds frustrating, and I just-I want to help.” Spencer’s hands wrapped around the strap of his satchel, watching you with wary eyes.

“No-no, I get it, that-that’s very sweet, Spence, I just-won’t that change our friendship?”

Spencer shrugged, “not necessarily, Y/N, you’re my best friend, I want to help you. Plus it’ll be good for me too like you said, I need some sort of stress relief.”

You smiled, how on earth did you get so lucky to have a best friend like him, “thanks, Spence, that means a lot.”

“Just think about it,” Spencer said with a smile.

You nodded your head, turning to begin packing up your things.

You ran your hand over your sweaty face, pushing aside some hair. Still, nothing. At this point, you were very much ready to accept Spencer’s offer. Even if it did change your relationship.

Your eyes glared at the screen of your phone, the 11:04 seemingly taunting you, would he even be awake? I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to try

Y/N: Are you up?

You hit send, laying your phone next to you, you didn’t really expect Spencer to answer, at least not immediately, he rarely ever used his phone. But, like a lot of things lately, you were wrong, because your phone buzzed beside you. 

Spencer: Unfortunately, I can’t seem to sleep. I’m assuming the same for you?

Sighing, you formulated a reply. 

Y/N: Unfortunately, you probably know why… 

His reply was almost immediate as if he was sitting there waiting for you to answer. 

Spencer: My offer still stands. 

You ran your hands over your face for what seems like the millionth time. Were you really going to do this, let Spencer come over and fuck you?   

Y/N: How fast can you be here?

Yes. Yes, you were. 

You paced back and forth in front of your door. You had brushed your teeth, and hair, luckily, you had already shaved today. Were you supposed to wear something, like lingerie? Was he even going to touch you, or just tell you what to do? What if he couldn’t make you cum? What if he wasn’t rough enough?

Knock, knock, knock. Three soft wraps on the other side of the door. Spencer. 

You sighed, no turning back now. You moved, unlocking the door, taking a deep breath before opening it. 

There Spencer stood, clad in some simple plaid pajama pants, and a grey T-shirt. It was unusual to see him so casually dressed.

“Hey” you greeted shyly.

“Hey,” Spencer said, stepping into your apartment. 

“S-So how does this work? How do you want to do this?” You questioned, gulping nervously.

Spencer chuckled surprisingly calm, “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Y/N. This is about you, helping you get some relief.”

You smiled, biting your lip slightly, you had zero clue where Spencer’s newfound confidence was coming from, but you were enjoying it. “Well, I don’t know, I’m pretty much okay with anything, I guess.”

“How do you usually like to have sex, rough, soft, both? What gets you off Y/N, what turns you on?” Spencer stepped closer to you, his voice dropping an octave. 

Your breath hitched in your throat, who knew Spencer had such a dirty mouth? “I-uh, well…” you trailed off.

Spencer moved forward once again, his large hand pushing a strand of hair out of your face, “something tells me you like it rough, you like to be dominated, totally fucked into oblivion.” 

The room seemed to spin, and your lip caught between your teeth, at this point, you weren’t even sure if this was Spencer? Had you just let a random man into your apartment? Did an alien infest Spencer’s body and now it was here to kill you?

Spencer tucked the strand of hair behind your ear, but his hand continued moving, playing with the hair at the back of your head. Then in one swift tug, your head was yanked back, neck exposed. You let out a yelp, digging your teeth deeper into your lip. “Am I right?” He questioned, his hazel eyes now a deep brown with lust. His other hand ran a finger up your neck, watching you shiver. 

You didn’t answer, you couldn’t, somehow, it almost felt foreign to move your mouth, if he didn’t have you convinced before, he definitely did now. Maybe Spencer could make you cum, and maybe multiple times. 

He tugged on your hair harshly once again, causing you to release a low groan. Spencer leaned in closer, placing his head next to your ear, whispering lowly “in case you can’t tell, I’m looking for an answer, sweetheart.” His finger trailed to the base of your neck, flattening his palm to run it up to your neck once again, his hand wrapping around the sides of your neck. 

You whimpered lightly, letting your hands grip his wrist for support. Without thinking you breathed out a response, “yes, yes sir, you’re right.” 

Spencer pulled his head back from your face, his dark eyes making contact with yours. “Mhm, good girl.” Spencer’s voice was low, and gravely, obviously, he seemed to enjoy this just as much as you did. His hand released your neck, shifting slightly so he could run his thumb over your bottom lip. 

Once again, almost out of instinct, you took his thumb into your mouth, swirling your tongue around it. If someone had asked what your plans were for tonight, never in your life would you think to respond “inviting Spencer Reid over to my house at 11 o'clock at night, then letting him fuck me.” 

Spencer groaned lightly, pulling his thumb out of your mouth, dragging it down your chin, wiping off the saliva. He brought his other hand up to cup your face gently, his eyes darting down to your lips. Taking the initiative, you stood on your tiptoes, bringing your lips up to his soft pink ones. Your mouths moved in sync as if this were an everyday occurrence. 

  You both pulled away, chests heaving for air. “Y-you’re sure about this?” Spencer questioned, concern filling his eyes.

You giggled, Spencer would never not be a gentleman, “I’m sure, Spence. I need this, and you need some stress relief, and if it’ll benefit us both, why not?”

Spencer chuckled lightly, “okay.”

Smiling, “okay” you responded. 

“Is there-you know, anything that I shouldn’t do, things you aren’t comfortable with?” 

You let yourself think for a moment, was there anything you weren’t comfortable with? You were very explorational with your sex life, and you trusted Spencer. “Not really, Spence. Just, do what you think will make me cum.” 

Once again, the predatory look clouded over Spencer’s eyes, his lips curling into a smirk. “That's not my name, sweetheart.” He growled.

Your eyes fluttered shut, your thighs rubbing together for some sort of friction. “Sorry...sir.” You were slightly hesitant, you had already called him sir, but you weren’t sure if it was the name he was looking for. 

A smack rang through the air and a stinging spread through your ass. Your body jerked forward pressing further into his, “shit! Sorry, daddy!” You cried, your eyes snapping open to watch his reaction. The daddy had slipped out, you didn’t know if Spencer would be weirded out, or into it, hopefully, the latter. 

Spencer’s eyes widened, apparently, that wasn’t the answer he was looking for. Before you could correct yourself, one of his hands gripped your hips, roughly pulling you into him, and the other pulled your head to him, smashing his lips against yours. You moaned into the kiss, your hands wrapping around his torso, trailing up his back and into his long hair, tugging at it. He groaned against your lips, his head falling back slightly, breaking the kiss. 

“Fuck, Y/N, not what I was looking for, but, I definitely enjoyed it.” Spencer groaned out, his hands traveling your sides. Yet, you longed for more, you longed to feel his skin against yours, the weight of his hips between your legs. 

You peppered kisses over his neck, relishing in the way his hands felt against your body. Spencer groaned lightly as you sucked at a spot at the base of his neck. His hands dug into your hips harshly, and you whimpered slightly at the pain. With a rough shove, Spencer pushed you away from him, both of you panting. 

“I want you on the bed, naked, don’t touch yourself, just wait for daddy,” Spencer said, his voice dripping with an authority he only ever used in the interrogation room, and God did you love it.

You nodded your head in understanding, turning to walk to the bedroom. Once inside, the nerves hit, you were really doing this, you were actually going to fuck Spencer, and hopefully cum. Your shirt hit the floor first, the cool air causing your nipples to harden since you had opted not to wear a bra. Your leggings came off next, with only a little struggle due to the slight sweat that came with being aroused. Lastly, your thin lace thong, which you made sure to drop a little closer to the doorway, just so Spencer would notice it first thing when he walked into the room. 

Spencer walked down the short hallway, the wooden floorboards creaking under his feet, alerting you of his approach. Quickly you sat on the bed, both legs and arms crossed in a means of covering yourself. As excited as you were to cum, that didn’t knock the anxiety of Spencer seeing your naked body. 

Spencer appeared in the doorway, his teeth immediately biting down on his lip at the sight of you. He took slow steps towards you, maintaining eye contact the whole way. He crouched in front of you so his face was level with yours. His hands ran over your arms, uncrossing them gently before doing the same with your legs. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

A blush covered your face, it was incredible how quickly he could switch from domineering to sweet. Spencer leaned in, peppering kisses over your neck. His arms were placed on either side of you, his mouth working sinfully. 

Your head leaned back with a breathy moan, giving him better access to your neck. Spencer's mouth worked over your collarbone, beginning to leave open-mouthed kisses in the valley of your breasts. “Such pretty tits,” he mumbled against your skin, letting one of his hands reach up and palm your breast. Your back arched into his touch, his warm skin against yours. 

You brought your head upright, watching as he took one of your perky nipples into his pretty pink lips. “Fuck, Spence” you moaned out, placing your hand on the back of his head to run through his hair. Spencer’s teeth lightly grabbed your nipple, pulling his head back, tugging sharply. “Shit! Daddy, I meant daddy.” You corrected breathily.  

Spencer’s mouth released your nipple, his head coming up to yours for a sloppy kiss. He pulled back, a trail of saliva connecting the two of you. He chuckled lightly, swiping his thumb across your bottom lip to break it. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?” 

You smiled, could this man get any more polite? “Yes, please just do something.” You begged. 

“Ask and you shall receive” Spencer answered, a hint of playfulness in his voice. He moved slightly, situating himself on his knees. You bit your lip softly, wishing this intimate moment could last forever. His large hands rested on your knees, spreading your legs. He chuckled, “Mhm, so wet for me and I haven’t even touched you.” 

Your head tilted back slightly, ecstasy running through your body at his words. One of his hands trailed up your leg, stopping to rub soft circles around your clit. You moaned lightly, one of your hands placed behind you to keep your body upright, the other on the back of Spencer’s head playing with his hair. His pace sped up slightly, and you bucked your hips forward, aching for more. “Please, please, I need more.” You whined.

“Patience, love” despite his words, his pace sped up again, and your head tilted further back with a loud moan. “There you go, sweetheart, enjoy it.” He removed his thumb, and before you could complain, it was quickly replaced by his tongue, kitten licking your clit slowly. 

You groaned lightly, the hand in his hair tightening its grip. “Yes, daddy, fuck.” 

Spencer’s tongue sped up, his eyes gazing up at you, watching you squirm with pleasure. Spencer’s hand on your knee trailed up your thigh, his fingertips running up and down your lips. 

You looked down at him, a whimper escaping your mouth at the sight. His hand parted your lips, pushing a finger into your pussy. “Fuck, yes, Spencer.” He didn’t correct you this time, instead, he wrapped his lips around your clit, sucking lightly, while his finger began slow strokes in and out of your cunt. 

A loud moan escaped your lips, your hips rocking lightly against his face. The tip of his tongue ran lightly over your clit, and his finger picked up the pace. “Mhm, yes, daddy, just like that.” Your hand tugged harshly at his hair, and you were sure it had to hurt.

Spencer’s lips released your clit with a pop, “are you close, love?” He questioned, a lust-hungry look in his eyes.

You nodded your head vigorously, “yes, so, close, please-just-please.” You could feel it, the knot building rapidly in your stomach, the tension in your legs. Spencer slipped another finger into your pussy, crooking them slightly, his pace becoming ruthless, hitting a spot inside of you that you didn’t know existed. His lips wrapped around your clit again, this time sucking harshly, watching as your thighs shook around his head and your back arched, your hips thrusting into his face. 

You let out a loud cry, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as you came. Your toes curled, breath hitched, and your thighs clamped down on Spencer’s head, whimpers and moans leaving your mouth. It was like pure bliss, and you had never been more thankful for Spencer in your life.

Spencer’s mouth and fingers worked you through your orgasm, only slowing down when your chest began to heave for the breath you lacked. His lips popped off your clit, and his drenched fingers slid out of your pussy. “You made a mess, baby.” 

You looked down at him, and never had you seen a more beautiful sight, his hair was tousled, and his chin was covered in your arousal. He brought his fingers to his lips, taking them in his mouth, cleaning off your arousal. You moaned at the sight alone, still slightly out of breath. Spencer pulled his fingers out of his mouth, placing his hands at your sides. He pushed himself back up onto his feet. “You want me to fuck you?” He asked, his voice low and strained, you could see why his erection was visible through his pants. 

Your mouth hung open, you had just come, but somehow, your body longed for more, to feel his cock inside you. You nodded your head, your eyes pleading with his. His hand trailed up your side, sliding over your breast and up to your neck, choking you lightly. “Use your words, sweetheart.” He teased.

“Yes, yes, please fuck me, daddy.” You squirmed in his grip, body aching for him.

The hand on your neck pushed you back so you were lying flat against the bed. Spencer released your neck, quickly beginning to shed his clothes. You watched with hooded eyes, your thighs rubbing together for some friction. Once he was fully unclothed, he was on you, his mouth catching yours in a feverish kiss. Your hands wrapped around his torso, nails clawing down his back. He groaned at the pain, “ready for me to fuck you?” 

“Yes! Yes, fuck me!” You groaned, reaching your hand in between the two of you to pump his cock. He moaned loudly in your ear, and you swear it was like you had died and gone to heaven. In one swift motion, he snapped his hips forward, burying his cock in you. You yelped, your eyes rolling into the back of your head. Your nails scratched down his back once again as he bottomed out, slamming back into you setting a brutal pace. 

“Fuck, you’re so tight for me, so perfect.” He groaned out. He stopped momentarily, his hands grabbed your thighs, throwing both of your legs over his shoulders. He pounded into you, this time balls deep. Your hands left his back, moving to grab your breasts, mouth falling open in a silent scream.

His hand shot up, wrapping around your neck lightly, causing your already dizzy head to spin more. Groans and curses left Spencer’s mouth, a thin sheen of sweat coating his tan skin. He looked like a God above you, and you had no idea how you got so lucky as to fuck him. 

“Harder” you groaned out. Your hips thrust up to meet his, both of you working aggressively towards your orgasms. Spencer complied, his head falling back with a groan as he rammed into you. You screamed, eyes crossing as his cock brushed over your g-spot, your cunt clamping down onto his cock. “Fuck! Right there, Spencer, God, yes!”

“Oh, God, Y/N, such a perfect little slut for me.” He growled, his breath coming out in short pants. Incomprehensible moans and cries of Spencer's name left your lips.

 Your hand on your breast crept up to Spencer’s hand around your neck, wrapping around his wrist. “I’m so close” you managed to groan out. 

“Fuck, me too.” Spencer moaned, his voice deep and gravely. Your skin slapped against his with each thrust, the sound filling your bedroom. “Rub your clit” Spencer commanded, his hand held your hip in a harsh grip, which would definitely leave bruises. 

You nodded, as best as you could with his large hand wrapped around your neck. You reached your hand down, using two fingers to rub harsh circles on your swollen clit. “I-I’m gonna cum.” 

Spencer moaned above you, his eyes shutting, and his teeth biting down on his perfect lips. “Fuck, cum, cum for me.” He leaned closer into you, his swollen mouth capturing yours in a kiss. You pressed your lips desperately against his, teeth clashing sloppily. 

You broke the kiss with a moan, your head falling back against the bed, and your back arching. The hand on his wrist squeezed harder, “tighter, tighter.” You cried, signaling for him to cut off more of your circulation. Without question, his hand tightened to the perfect pressure, and it was all you needed to send you over the edge into pure bliss. You came with a loud scream, that was sure to alert the neighbors, and your walls fluttered around Spencer’s cock, tears of pleasure flowing freely down your face. Everything in your body tensed, and your eyes rolled so far into the back of your head you’re surprised they didn’t get stuck there. 

Your orgasm sent Spencer into his own, his head falling back with a deep guttural groan, his hands on your body tightening their grip. His body stilled, his cock buried deep within you, twitching and releasing his cum. “Fuck, Y/N, you perfect slut, ugh.”

Spencer’s hand released your neck, falling onto your hip. You gulped down the air like a fish, your hand releasing his wrist and coming up to rub your sore neck. Spencer pushed your legs off his shoulders, and his body collapsed onto yours, both of you completely wrecked.

You felt his hot breath against your neck, both of you panting like dogs. You could feel the sweat running down your forehead, mixing with the tears on your face.  Your eyes were still closed, your body still coming down from it’s high. At that moment you couldn’t wait to go to sleep, not just because you were exhausted, but because you could wrap around Spencer like a sloth. You laughed lightly, running one of your hands through Spencer’s hair. “That was amazing” you breathed out.

Spencer chuckled into your neck, “I knew I could make you cum.” He pulled back, hovering on his forearms above you. 

You giggled at his words, your hands trailing down his back, to his tense shoulders, massaging them lightly. With one last peck to your lips, Spencer pulled away, turning around. You giggled again at the sight of his bare ass, “as much as I love the view, where are you going?”

He turned back to you with a light-hearted smile on his face “I need to clean you up, I don’t think you want to go to bed with cum dripping down your thighs.” 

You groaned, lazily reaching out for him, “but I’m tired.” 

“And whiny,” Spencer replied, his voice muffled as he walked away from you and into the bathroom. 

“I’m only whiny because I want to go to sleep, we can take a shower in the morning.” You attempted to sway him. 

He walked back into the bedroom, a wet rag in his hand. You smiled, you could already see the multitude of love bites you left on his neck. “Your neck looks pretty,” you stated lazily.

Spencer laughed at your words, crouching down to run the rag up your thighs. “Yours does too, you’re going to need a lot of makeup to cover that bruise.” He was right, a bruise in the shape of his hand was going to be on your neck for days.

You let out a hiss as he ran the rag up your folds, still extremely sensitive. You sat up slightly, attempting to retreat further onto the bed and away from Spencer. His arms slung over your waist, pulling you right back to the edge of the bed. “The quicker I do this the quicker we get to go to sleep, sweetheart.” He chided. 

You rolled your eyes, pouting like a child, “but it hurts.” 

Spencer hummed in understanding, continuing to clean you, “you know, I was going to make you cum another time, but, I didn’t think you could handle it.”

“Oh, please, I’d let you fuck me till I pass out if you made me cum like that again.” You laughed, watching as he threw the dirty rag onto the bedside table. He turned back to the bed, hovering over you once again. 

His lips found yours in a slow, passionate kiss. “I’m holding you to that.” 

You scoffed, pushing him off of you, “you better.” You turned onto your hands and knees, crawling to pull the comforter down. Spencer repeated your actions, crawling into bed next to you. You threw your leg over his, laying an arm across his chest. 

“Here,” he said, sitting up slightly to slide his arm under your head as a makeshift pillow. “Next time, I’ll have to teach you how to make yourself cum.”

You sighed dreamily, snuggling further into Spencer’s warm body. You looked up at him, “next time, huh?” 

Spencer’s eyes widened, his body shifting slightly away from you, “I-I mean, only if you want to-”

You laughed, using your hand on his chest to push him back down onto the bed, “ of course I want to.” You paused for a moment, “but, won’t that be a little...weird?”

Spencer laughed “Only if you make it, Y/N. Think of this all as an anatomy lesson” Spencer whispered breathily into your ear.

[honeyandbloodpoetry]

Gender Thoughts Pt 1 and 2

The first time I put a binder on, a little under a week ago, I felt euphoric. Ever since I hit puberty very early on, I felt uncomfortable with my breasts. They never felt right on me, and even though I’ve come to love them sometimes, they still don’t always feel like they match up. I hated how people always looked at them, pointed out how much they showed in low cut shirts when I never even noticed they were--or even wanted them to. They were just there. I liked the way low cut shirts feel and look on me, I just can’t help these giant sacks of flesh that sit on my chest. 

Except...now I can! I ran my hands over my smooth chest, feeling bright. I looked into the mirror, and felt something warm wash over me. I put on my new masculine clothes, letting my partner clip on my new suspenders. I realized that I was shaking as I looked at myself again… I looked like a boy. I felt like a boy. Like a man. And I liked it. I wanted it. Admitting that to myself was like coming home. 

I remember being in sixth grade, walking around the track for my civil air patrol class. I had been slotted in with the rest of the girls, the boys walking ahead of us. I remember feeling uncomfortable being shoved in with only girls, and looking at the gaggle of boys ahead. The exact thought that whispered in my brain was “I wish I was a boy. I want to be like them, with them.” I never forgot that moment, and how strange it made me feel. How it was easier to shake that thought away, and dismiss those feelings. Except they never really left, did they? 

I remember sitting on my bed, crying with my best friend kneeling in front of me. I remember telling her how I didn’t like feeling like a woman all the time. That I wished I could be a black shadow, monstrous, androdynous. Specifically like Venom. She took my hand, did my makeup all in black and helped me pick out the perfect black outfit to achieve that dark, gothic look. I was so incredibly happy and validated. But I still felt like something was missing. 

I remember going into an Adam and Eve for laugh, not expecting much since I am an asexual with a low libido. I remember seeing packers and feeling my chest tighten. I never liked my genitalia--I had wished for a cloaca or something akin to that, but since that was biologically impossible for a human… I sometimes wished I had the opposite of a vagina. I frequently imagined what it would be like to have a penis. I frequently lamented the fact that I didn’t have one. I took the box up to the counter to ask some questions, my dress swishing as I went. The cashier told me it was for trans people only, and a girl like me couldn’t have it. She didn’t know what asexuality was, and had tried polyamory once but decided it was bad when her girlfriend kissed her boyfriend. I was upset, disheartened, and left the store empty handed feeling frustrated and lost.

I remember finally cutting the long, curly locks that had frustrated and imprisoned me for so long. Seeing all of my hair fall to the floor, staring into the mirror as the barber buzzed the back of my head… It made me want to cry tears of joy. It was the first time in my entire life that I had looked at my hair and was happy. The first time I could look in the mirror and feel like myself. Then I remember wanting to go shorter, and my barber encouraging me to keep it a little longer so I didn’t look manly, so I could still be soft and feminine. The way my stomach dropped and the sick feeling in my chest only increased when he began to make fun of the gay men who came down the street near his favorite restaurant. I never saw that barber again. I instead found a nice local place down the road from my apartment, where the kind lady cut it all off without question, other than “Why?” and accepted my warm “It makes me happy. It makes me feel beautiful.” 

But wearing that binder for the first time? It was as if a beam of light had funneled its way directly into my heart. I felt like a handsome man, with just a little bit of striking man boob, and it felt so right. My partner called me a dashing boy and my heart began to race. I still feel his hand tracing my jawline as he called me handsome, and the butterflies it sent up through my belly, even after more than eleven years. 

I love my partner--he identifies as agender and primarily masculine, and has been on the lookout for a good pair of size thirteen shoes to wear with a dress. They also wear joggers and flip flops and graphic tees and can’t seem to stop talking about the ocean and outer space. They’re probably one of my biggest inspirations for finding myself, and being authentically me. 

I’m not super sure who or what I am right now. I’m still figuring that out, but I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere between agender and genderfluid. I feel like me more than anything else, but all pronouns make me feel good. I feel like all of them and none of them at once, but I swing between wanting to be feminine and masculine pretty strongly, though I enjoy being masculine most of all--even when I’m wearing dresses and pink. I feel like a beautiful person in a dress or a button down, no matter what gender I feel like today or tomorrow. 

I am me. And I am one dashing boy, and one beautiful girl. 

4 July 2021

XXX

Since first writing this little essay, I’ve been doing a lot more examination of my gender. I have come to the conclusion that I am transmasc and nonbinary, and am shaky on the title of genderfluid. I am feeling less and less like a woman--if anything, occasionally adjacent to a woman rather than actually being one. I love feeling like and presenting as a man. I have my first appointment with a gender services doctor at my local community clinic for consultation on starting hrt testosterone. I am planning to start with low dose first, and see how I feel. 

I am still unsure of my exact identity, but I have found great euphoria with being and presenting as a man. I love being a man and everything that entails. I have loved myself like never before. Being with my partner is amazing, and he has been endlessly supportive--even recounting little things they had noticed throughout the years. One of the funniest being that I only ever referred to my body parts--my belly, hands, hair, genitalia--with masculine pronouns. I always seemed to see my body as male even if I had a certain sort of dissonance from it. 

Coming out has been difficult. I have had both positive and negative experiences from it. I have been told going on testosterone would be self harm, and that I can’t be something I’m not. I’ve had coworkers I trusted out me without my permission. But I have also had positive affirmation, polite questions, and discussions. I am terrified to tell my mother and her boyfriend--I have no idea how they will react and am terrified that I will be disrespected and disowned. 

But I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be my happiest and most authentic self. 

I have been binding a lot more often, wearing sports bras for long shifts at work, and occasionally going without either when I feel like letting my man boobs hang free. I’ve had the delightful experience of going to a men’s big and tall store and finally wearing pants. I grew up as a fat girl and felt as if I had to perform high femininity to be taken seriously and be treated well--and had been told by someone I trusted that I was too fat to wear pants, which I heavily internalized. So I had completely cast them away in favor of dresses and skirts, bows and gaudy jewelry. Realizing that I could wear pants was...totally wild. That I could be comfortable and look good in pants and shorts, and that it didn’t matter what people did or thought of me was life changing. Maybe I’ll feel like being feminine again someday, but right now this masculinity and masculine clothing, with perhaps the added spice of funky earrings, feels like home. 

I also grew up autistic and with PCOS, both which I think have affected my gender identity. Being autistic, I truly struggled to connect to others socially, and especially to understand societal norms. Being a proper woman felt like I was making up for everything else I was lacking--I may have been awkward, semi-verbal and weird with no friends, but at least I was cute and girlish. I never connected to womanhood though, and always felt out of place no matter how hard I tried. With PCOS, I had heightened testosterone, which meant wider breasts and shoulders, a lack of periods, and excessive body hair. I recall the endocrinologist asking high school age me if I had excessive body hair around my stomach, breasts, etc. and my mother jumping to say no I didn’t...even though I did. I remember suddenly feeling very self aware and ashamed of something completely natural, and even something I started to enjoy. I started shaving my entire body then. 

I even remember being in middle school, and thinking nothing of my hairy legs. In fact, I loved my body hair and how it felt. A rude girl began making fun of me though, tutting her tongue as she cooed, “Aw, does your mommy not let you shave?” Among other things, all throughout many years of severe bullying and abuse. I remember feeling ashamed, but not knowing why, and immediately shaving my legs, covering them in nicks from my shaky and unsteady hands, that same night. 

So many things set me back in my gender expression. So many things contributed to me willful ignorance and denial. I remember wanting to be butch, and everyone in my life laughing at me and saying I was too soft for that. That sweet, sharp ache in my chest. I remember going to a salad bar with my mother, wearing a button up and telling her I wanted to wear some more boyish clothes around that same time--I had already told her that I was bi sometime earlier. I remember her lip curling, looking uncomfortable, and telling me that I better not become one of those boy girls. My late father was very vocal in denouncing homosexuality and specifically men loving men--something which always sat horribly wrong with me on a deeper level. 

I think I might ending up being a trans man. I am still unsure and figuring myself out, but I struggle greatly with the autistic need for sameness vs. the trans need for change. My sapphic love of women has always been very important to me, and fully becoming a man rather than genderfluid is scary for that very reason. I am still navigating my identity and what it means to me and my reality--but no matter what, being a man, being masculine is integral to who I am. 

I was called a “sir” at a job interview for the first time the other day, and nearly began to bawl from sheer joy. The gender euphoria from that and so many moments is worth so much more to me than the years of suffering and ignorance and my ongoing struggles with dysphoria. I finally got a packer and have had help from my partner in learning to position it properly--I am thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. I have almost perfected a pretty basic tie tying skill. Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. I feel deep inside that even though my father loved me, he would not like who and what I am. Still, I wear the last watch he ever wore, and hope to be a good man like him--and to learn from the toxic parts of him to be an even better man. 

I am very excited to start hrt. I am terrified of hair loss and vaginal atrophy, but I look forward to so much more. I cannot wait for bottom growth and body hair, for the voice drop that will hopefully get me misgendered less. I have always felt disconnected from my voice and look forward to getting to know it better as it changes with me. I look forward to meeting with new facial hair. Working out and growing muscle. I just look forward to my second puberty and becoming more like myself. I look forward to navigating and exploring my gender even further, both with loved ones, support groups, and myself. 

More than anything, I am just happy to be me. 

25 August 2021

[sohin-ace]

May I request Brunos gang headcannons with a new transgender male member? It doesnt have to be romantic and id rather it not be. Please message me if you have questions. Some details id like to see: He is around the same age as Trish and no longer can live with his parents. He doesnt have much money so he binds his chest with bandages and fabric he can find. He hasn't transitioned at all and his gender isnt obvious. his hair is cut poorly due to cutting it himself. i hope this is okay!

This was hard to do. Trans identity is tricky to write as a non-Trans writer. Hopefully I did you justice!

Non rom.

Bucci gang w/ a Transgender male member HC

Bucciarati

The most understanding of the group.

He's horrified that such a young person has to live by themselves, especially if your gender identity is the reason you have no caretakers.

He makes sure to introduce you properly to the team and makes them understand your situation, so that you feel comfortable around everyone.

You're part of the family now, it doesn't matter what you look like or what you identify as.

Will ask you if it's okay for you to go undercover as female for specific missions, or it's that's too uncomfortable.

If you'd rather not it's okay, Fugo will do.

He comes back one day with a package on one arm.

Turns out it's a custom made binder, all perfectly fitted to your specific body type and size!

So that's why he was so insistent on taking your measurements, without ever explaining why... That sly man.

Still, you couldn't be more grateful. Those things were so expensive.

"As long as you feel comfortable and stay in good health, I'm satisfied, Y/N."

Abbachio

He's the last one to care.

If anything, the thing he hates about you is that offensive hairstyle, are you kidding him?

Boy, girl, mischief, he doesn't care what your gender is or what's in your pants, he just doesn't want you to disrespect his eyes with such a horrendous haircut.

Like, seriously, who hurt you?

Takes you apart and forces your ass on a chair to actually give you a proper cut/shave.

Bucciarati is here too, to give advice on what looks good and works for your face shape and hair texture.

Abbachio has a fairly feminine appearance himself and hardly ever follows gender norms, so he's not fazed by your own neutral or 'confusing' physique.

Just tell him your pronouns already, or else he'll call you 'Brat' out of doubt, that's pretty gender neutral.

Would appreciate it if you trusted him enough to confess about your dysphoria, as he is victim of it as well.

Yes, even a Cis-man can feel dysphoric from time to time. Please pull each other up.

Giorno

As expected of him, he is very respectful.

The very first time he mistook you for a girl, but immediately apologized for his mistake and never got it wrong again.

In fact, he was so kind and polite about it, it's impossible to stay mad at him.

Afterwards he asks a lot of questions to be sure to know the boundaries you set, what is okay and not okay to talk about or do.

Will help you style your hair in the prettiest way and adds a lot of flowers on top of it.

He is a very feminine boy himself and will make you feel handsome and confident about your more feminine traits, just the way you deserve to be treated.

If he can rock the long hair, pink clothes, cute flowers and ladybugs ornaments and still look handsome as hell, then you can perfectly rock whatever physical traits you have. He believes in you.

Uses Gold Experience on you when you're on your periods so that it last shorter.

Helps you bind your chest until you can get a proper binder, and makes sure to be very gentle with you.

Has stolen Testosterone for you, and will do it again.

Mista

The most oblivious to your gender at first.

He can't tell if you're a boy or a girl and asks you a bunch of dumb questions without really thinking of the behinds of it.

If you get offended he'll just tell you he's trying to understand and is so confused.

It takes time and a lot of explaining, but he eventually gets it and, even though he still has a lot of questions, he decides to shut up.

Hey, you were pretty nice and funny and your Stand powers were dope, so at the end of the day, who cares?

He may be a bit of a dummy, but Mista is kind. He teaches you to shave in case you grow facial hair in the future.

He'll tell you all those grown up advices about how 'You start off with small peachfuzzes and before you know it, you got a full grown ass beard'.

Goes full Big Brother™ on you.

In fact, he barely calls your name at all, only calls you 'Bro', 'Fratellino', 'Mini me', 'Bambino', 'Big guy', or anything of the caliber.

Makes you workout with him to get those big ass guns and broad shoulders (or just... Your desired body type).

Narancia

Oh god, you don't have to fret about a thing.

He's just like you and gets misgendered All. The. Goddamn. Time.

His appearance is effortlessly androgynous and he sounds fairly prepubescent as well, so you're in the same boat here.

He doesn't really care and would love it for you to not care as well. He's used to it anyways.

It's not like your gender identity is gonna stop him from dragging you into his shenanigans and make you bust the sickest moves he knows.

You two are out together and get cat called by some obnoxious dudes on the streets.

You have to stop him from blasting them with Aerosmith because, as much as he's used to being called a 'She',

He WON'T stand other people misgendering you.

"HEY! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! Y/N, tell him to go suck your dick! Oh- you don't have one yet? Huh... Well uh... SUCK MY DICK, ASSHOLE! Sorry about that Y/N."

Tells you you're lucky you don't have balls because those hurt really bad sometimes.

Fugo

Is too shy to ask too specific questions about your body or sexuality, but would love to know everything about it.

Especially the more psychologic aspect of your gender identity. How it affects your mental state, how you feel, what made you realize you were trans etc.

He may seem insensitive about it, but he's really not. He's just interested and takes it with a very scholar approach.

He pretends he really doesn't care at all, but he does a lot of research and harasses Bucciarati with questions about you.

You ask him to help you bind your chest one day and he becomes a blushy mess.

He'll help you anyway though, trying to be as neutral as possible out of respect for you.

He doesn't want to get flustered and let you imagine that he sees you as 'a girl', so he plays it cool.

It's... It's just a chest right? No big deal...

He slipped up one day and almost called the wrong pronouns and when he does, he just screams. Loud.

"Let's go ask Y/N then, where is sh-hhhhhhiiiaaaaaaAAAAAAAAARRGGHHHHH!!!!!"

He doesn't know how to come back from these mistakes and he's so embarassed.

Trish

You two have so much in common, surprisingly.

You're both young teens and your parents have left you down. You could only lift each other up.

She immediately knows you're a boy and gets so confused when people misgender you.

I mean... You look a bit feminine, yes, but there were plenty of men like this. And more so than you'd ever imagine. Especially at only 15.

Also, you introduced yourself as 'Y/N', that's pretty much masculine, or at the very least, gender neutral.

"Pfft, don't listen to them, Y/N. They're so darn stupid."

Helps you voice train, e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y.

She knows a lot of vocal warm ups and exercises to not strain your vocal chords and helps you get that perfect deep voice you try to achieve.

It's just like singing in a way, right? She helps you find your vocal range to expand it and lower it to your prefered pitch.

She's so proud of you when you manage to finally use a much deeper and manly voice!

She has very short hair herself, and she'll defintely help you style yours properly and take you to her personal hairdresser (a very kind femboy who's super funny and who's gonna love you to bits)

[leecherish]

all of the gay asks, sorry not sorry

oh god anzu

OKAY HERE WE GO

1. what’s your gender?

cis female

2. what are your pronouns?

she/her but she/they areperfectly fine too

3. is your family accepting?

yes yes yes yes!! i’m luckyenough to have a family that accepts me, and most of our relatives are allaccepting towards gay ppl too (even if they don’t know that i’m bi). i’m reallyhappy that i can be out for my family, it is truly a blessing

4. what do you wish you could tell your past self?

honestly, just the fact thatliking girls is ok too. i used to think „if only i could like girls, too” forso long, and it only occured to me around my early teens that it’s, in fact,perfectly okay to do that

5. what is your sexuality?

bi hell yeah!!!

6. favorite color?

green (sorta like pine/forestgreen), orange (something like… dark orange. like the setting sun), purple(again, preferring the darker shades of it)

7. sun gay or moon gay?

moon gay bc im a wannabe gothgf (sometimes)

8. when did you find out your sexuality?

okay so i have like reallyearly memories of watching dancing videos on youtube as a 12 y/o and i’d justend up rewatching them a lot of times and would always stare at the girl’s legs*cough* anyway, i’d say freshman year, when i helped my best friend in theclass and an upperclassman get together. i remember just watching them from theclassroom window, as they were hanging out at the schoolyard, and realized thati’m really jealous of the guy, oops… at first i thought its just… a „friend” thing but… yep.but i was also very denial about it for a long time, i think i only embraced it somewhatfully about… late 2016

9. how was your day?

eeehh. i’m really tiredlately… but it was fine i guess. i bought a lot of snacks on my way home and iate them all

10. do you have any gay friends?

HELL YEAH YO SHOUTOUT TO THEMi love you all

11. what’s your favorite hobby?

singing, writing, hiking, drawing

12. who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?

Haley Kiyoko is our lord andsavior and i should listen to her way more

13. which pride flags do you like the most design/color wise?

i love the bi flag?? itssynthwave colors. but i rly like the ace flag too

14. are you openly out?

uhh depends what you mean by ’openly’?i’m out for most (if not all) of my friends, out for my family, and i was alsoout for my highschool class, but otherwise… okay it’s in my /about too, butoutside of tumblr i’m kinda lowkey about the whole thing. i guess ifanyone would ask me, i’d say „sure i’m gay” but im okay w/ being lowkey about it otherwise

15. are you comfortable with yourself?

working on it. i’ve been experiencing internalized homophobia on and off sometimes, and i’ve been just doubting in myself a lot too lately

16. bottom or top?

i am not making a statement (i guess it depends onthe partner tho)

17. femme or butch?

depends on my mood, really.lately i’ve been shifting towards butch but im just lazy to pay attention on myclothing and aesthetic for the most part as of lately

18. do you bind?

no i don’t, but i actuallyreally wanted a binder as a 13-14 y/o or so? idk i was harrassed a lot on thestreets around that time and this whole thing with „getting temporary rid ofthings that make me look feminine” was really appealing to me. i was also intocrossdress and i rly wanted to achieve looking like a guy. but that kindastayed in my teenage years, i’m completely comfortable with being cis

19. do you shave?

it’s kind of a habit at thispoint even though its tedious as hell dfhgdhgsf

20. if you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?

I’d take Ariana Grande outfor dinner any day of the week tbh

21. do you have a partner (s)?

a boyfriend for quite a whilenow

22. describe your partner (s)?

medium height, long brownhair he wears as a ponytail, brown eyes, always tells puns and other kinds ofjokes, but can be mature and serious if the situation calls for it, superpatient and really understanding. actually has a talent for writing, he justdoesn’t practice it (he used to write stuff years and years ago, but it wasjust a few short stories), but he has a good sense for story/worldbuilding,sometimes if i can get him to read what i wrote he gives really, reallygood ideas for character interactions and such. if i can get him going, talkingabout headcanons connected to universes we’re both into is the best.

23. have you ever dated anyone of the same sex?

i started dating my boyfriendway before i discovered that i’m bi, so no

24. anyone of another sex?

3 guys before my boyfriend,but eh idk. i don’t really count them

25. pastel gay or goth gay?

goth is my aesthetic but imdown for anything tbh

26. favorite dad in dream daddies?

didn’t play it, and thatcertain side of tumblr’s reaction to it didn’t help either

27. tell me a random fact about yourself?

my favorite youtuber as of right now is CallMeKevin. a quite handsome irishman with a nice voice. i swear to god go check out his Sims 4 series, it’shilarious. the only thing in a while that made me laugh outloud

28. do you own any pride flags/merch?

i have a bi flag that ipainted myself but it’s pretty derpy so it just hangs out on my corkboard

29. have you ever been to a pride parade?

i was this close to attending one this summer, buuut then i didn’t

30. any advice to someone who isn’t out or who is exploringthemselves?

to behonest i can only repeat those people who say „take your time”. findingyourself is a long and hard process, but it’s also an adventure. don’t rushit, it’s okay, you’re not late

[lovemesomesurveys]

survey by chrissylee22dc

A Achievements: None in recent years... the last I’d say was getting my BA back in 2015, but that’s just been collecting dust on a shelf and I have no plans to pursue anything in psychology anymore, so it feels more like a waste. :/ I have no idea what I want to do. 

Age: 31.

Are you planning something right now? No.

Arizona or Alaska: Arizona is even worse than where I live in terms of heat, it’s straight up desert. And ya’ll know how I hate the summer and don’t well at all with the heat. I’ve been a couple times cause that’s my grandparents live and yeah, no thanks. I haven’t been to Alaska, but I’d like to visit. 

B Birthdate: July 28th.

Build: Thin and underweight. I used to have great upper body strength and my arms were kinda toned, but I lost that. I’m weak.

Babies, do you have any? Nooo.

Blonde or Brunette: Whichever.

C Childhood sweetheart: I didn’t have one.

Current mood: Tired.

Children, are there more in your future? I don’t have any to begin with, nor do I want any.

Coke or Pepsi: Coke.

D Dad's name: I don’t want to share that.

Dating anyone: No.

Do you plan on having lots of money? Ha, it’d sure be nice. 

Dogs or cats: Dogs.

E Elementary School: I’m not sharing that.

Eye color: Brown.

Ever going to China? I’ve never really planned to, but I can’t say I’d never go. *shrug* Who knows. Early or Late: Early. I hate being late, it stresses me out and makes me anxious.

F First Crush: This boy named Philip when I was in the 3rd grade.

Fears: ALL insects, killer whales, holes/clusters, closed spaces, heights, needles, deep water to name a few and then the deep stuff like losing loved ones, death, never getting better or getting worse, never doing anything with my life and wasting away... stuff like that.

Future goals: I don’t really have any that I’m working toward even though I certain should...

Funny or Serious: Both. 

G Grandparent's names: I don’t want to share that. 

GPA: I’m done with school.

Going anywhere this weekend? Nope.

Giver or Taker: Both. I love getting stuff for my loved ones, though. 

H High School: A local one.

Hair color: Naturally it’s dark brown, but I dye it red. My roots are quite overgrown currently cause I haven’t been able to get it done since February. Blah.

Hate anyone for life? No.

Hairspray or Gel: I don’t use either.

I In 8th grade, who was your best friend? Kyle, David, and Jessica.

Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes. With certain things. 

Is there anything you wanna share? I’ve been sharing stuff in this survey, haven’t I?

Ice Cream or Cake: Cake.

J Jumped rope for fun: No. Or at all.

Junk around you right now? Not junk to me, but I do have a lot of stuff around me. I have a lot of stuff on my bed besides typical bed stuff, which I have a lot of as well. My bed is also my desk. I spend a lot of my time in bed, so I like to keep certain thing near by for easy reach.

Joining anything anytime soon? No.

January or July: January, I guess. My birthday is in July, but blah. July is summertime and I hate the summer.

K

Killed anyone: Uh, no. Imagine someone just casually being like “yes” to this question.

Keeping a secret? Maybe.

Kicking someone off your top friends today? Myspace is dead. 

Kiwi or Apple: Apple. 

L Lost anyone close to you: Yes. I’ve lost both my maternal grandparents, who I was very close with. I also lost a couple dogs, who are family members and loved ones to me, so that was just as hard. I really didn’t do well when Brandie passed away because it was so quick and unexpected. She could have had at least 5 or 6 more years. And not that it would have been any easier, but still. 

Last kiss, when and who: Joseph like 6-7 years ago.

List 3 people that you'll love forever: My parents and brother.

Lover or Fighter: Lover.

M Middle School: A local one.

Marital Status: Single.

Mom's name: I’m not sharing that.

Music or TV: I watch more TV nowadays than I listen to music. I don’t know why I don’t listen to music as much anymore.

N Northernmost state you've been to: Idaho.

Nickname: Sis or Steph.

Name your future boy and girl:

Naughty or Nice: Naughty, but not in a sexual way. In a, ‘I haven’t been that great of a person’ way.

O Opened a piece of mail that wasn't yours? It’s probably happened. Occupation: I don’t have one.

Owe anyone money: Nope.

Outgoing or Shy: Very shy.

P Place you most want to be? I’m good with being in bed right now.

Purposely destroyed someone’s life? I’ve made a lot of mistakes and messed up my own in a lot of ways. I don’t want to say purposely, but there were things I knew I should have done and taken better care of, but I didn’t. :/

Planning a major trip? No trips planned anytime soon. I don’t feel comfortable or safe traveling during a pandemic. 

Pink or Black? I like both.

Q Quit a class: No.

Quickly...the first word to come to mind: Coffee.

Quitting your job soon?

Quiet or Loud: Quiet.

R Riding in an airplane: What about it?

Ride, tell me about yours: I don’t drive, so I don’t have a car.

Running for any political office in the future? Nooo.

Rain or Snow: I love when it rains. It doesn’t snow here, but I wish it did.

S Siblings names and ages: My older brother is 37 and my younger brother is 21.

Shoe size: 6 in women’s (US). My Adidas are all a 3 in kids, though. 

Shave daily? No.

Shower or Bath: Shower.

T Turning 21 was (will be): I turned 21 a decade ago.

Texas, ever been? I had a layover in Houston once. I never saw more than the airport, though.

Think you'll live to be 100? No.

Tame or Wild: Tame.

U Unique quality about you: I don’t know.

Underwear on? Yes.

Under your bed lies: Nothing.

Under or Over: Uhh.

V Virgin? Yes.

Vacation time left?

Voting in the next Presidential election? Yes. I’ve voted in each one since 2008.

Volleyball or Swimming: Neither.

W Went white water rafting? Not for real, only the ride versions at amusement parks. I thought those were fun, but I’d be terrified to do the real thing.

Wearing right now: A sweatshirt and leggings.

Write a sentence about you: I’m kind of hungry, but it’s 5 in the morning so I should just try and sleep. West Coast or East Coast: West.

X X-Rays in the past month: 0.

X-Mas plans: Had a delicious Christmas dinner and exchanged presents with the fam. It was really nice. Things were a bit different cause my mom had to work, so we pushed back eating and opening presents, but it all worked out fine.

X, does it mark the spot? That’s what they say.

X-Tina or Britney? I like songs from both.

Y You lost "it" when? I’m assuming you’re referring to my virginity, which I haven’t yet.

Your favorite song: I couldn’t possibly just choose one.

Your favorite place on Earth: My bed, the beach, and Disneyland. 

Yes or No: That obviously depends.

Z Zodiac Sign: Leo.

Zodiac Sign: Uh, still a Leo.

Zippos are neat, agree? What are those?

Zoo or Circus: Zoo.

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2017, Part II

Part I can be found here. I should have mentioned the films I haven’t seen, which include BPM; Faces Places; The Square; Coco; Thelma; Last Flag Flying; Roman J. Israel, Esq.; Wonder Wheel; Jane; and I, Daniel Blake. Long-time AHOLs also know that I’m in the fifth year of a self-imposed five-year break from superhero culture, so I haven’t seen Logan or Thor or whatever else. With that: ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS 87. The Great Wall (Zhang Yimou)-  Zhang Yimou's The Great Wall has a lot in common with Wong Kar-Wai's The Grandmaster. Both are high-concept international co-productions that bear just enough of the filmmaker's signature but feel unfortunately cut to ribbons in the editing room. Computers have made us all a little worse at our jobs, Zhang included, and his spectacle is achieved despite CGI, not because of it. I liked watching a boulder's journey through the stages of being catapulted, even if it eventually landed into a physics-negligent pit of cartoon monsters. By the end, the picture is more bloodless, sexless, and simplistic than a game of toy soldiers, which makes it seem just as child-like. It's a forgettable sort of fun, but it is often fun. 86. The Ghost in the Shell (Rupert Sanders)- A bit more comprehensible than the original but far less beautiful. It's a shame that visions of future exteriors haven't improved or at least changed since Blade Runner. Big advertisements. Got it. (Also, we have telepathic walkie-talkies, but people sleep on the floor?) There are a few good ideas drizzled around. If people can basically toggle back and forth between languages, why not hire a famous actor who doesn't speak English for one of the supporting roles? Speaking of acting though, Johansson is pretty bad in this, hamstrung by the whole playing-a-robot problem. (She looks as good as she ever has though, which is saying something.) She could have taken some notes from Michael Pitt, who brings some edge and skitter to his cybernetic replicant or whatever they call it. 85. Wilson (Craig Johnson)- It hits the notes that a Daniel Clowes property usually does: misanthropy, formlessness, begrudging acceptance at the end. I laughed a few times and appreciated the huge left-turn at the two-thirds mark, but I didn't think it amounted to much. 84. Patti Cake$ (Geremy Jasper)-  Other than the Basterd character, there's nothing really broken about this movie, but I'm selling on anything with double-digit dream sequences. 

83. Colossal (Nacho Vigalondo)- The ending, both the final act and the final note, went a long way to save what was a tedious sit for me. I appreciate the big swings that everyone took with this budget and material--Sudeikis once again gets to show impressive range. But this is an hour of material stretched to an hour and forty-nine minutes. 82. Rough Night (Lucia Aniello)- Hide-the-body movies never work, but what makes this one disappointing is that there's a daring, original corrective somewhere on the margins. You can tell from the comparatively tame bachelor party or the unexpectedly positive threesome that this movie has refreshing ideas, but both the Machine and TV visuals from a TV director shaved the edge down. No one wants to hear such a thing about a sorely-needed female-driven comedy, but Paul W. Downs is the funniest thing in this. 81. Beauty and the Beast (Bill Condon)- Shout-out to the morons protesting this movie's gayness but not realizing that the original was always an allegory for AIDS. These live-action remakes are all around the same quality, but this one feels especially bloated, with really dicey CGI. Things get borderline boring in between the musical numbers, but, man, do those numbers hold up. There's the title track obviously, but songs that would be throwaways in something else--"Gaston," "Be Our Guest," "Something There"--are BANGERZ here. The real IP is the music, and Disney is just going to get each generation's Josh Gad to sing them forever. 80. Darkest Hour (Joe Wright)- This movie reminded me of The Imitation Game in the sense that it's a staid presentation with a solid structure that feels cheap whenever it zooms out beyond its back rooms. The grander version of this, which Joe Wright in some ways already made, is probably just as unsatisfying, but it wouldn't have the pinnacle of goofiness that will hereupon be known as The Underground Scene. I’m a bit bored of this type of film. Darkest Hour might be worth seeing for Oldman's performance, which is a true transformation, absent of any actory vanity but invested with some real myth-making. Churchill gets introduced with just his hat, then lit by just a match, then lit by a shock of sunlight. Oldman is very good in his scenes with Scott Thomas, so it's a shame that her character disappears for a half-hour at a time. The more troubling thing to note is that there are many men in this film who are so English that they can't pronounce their r's. If you catch it eawly, it's a weal distwacting pwoblem. 79. The Fate of the Furious (F. Gary Gray)- Since some of the dumbest stuff is some of the best stuff*, I'm not going to get caught in the web of assessing how much sense The Fate of the Furious makes. But I can say that this entry is the least intentionally funny of the series, and other than "the White girls' soccer team is the Monarchs," it loses some of the class undressing of 6 and 7. From the endless scene-setting to the overstuffed character roster, this is now more of a comic book than a movie, an exercise in being a plot without being a narrative. *- See: the "make it rain" sequence, Statham swinging the baby carrier through a gun battle, Rock redirecting the missile with his bare hands.

78. Nobody Speak: Trials of the Free Press (Brian Knappenberger)- The first hour, centering on the Hulk Hogan/Gawker case, is compulsively watchable, even if it doesn't shed much extra light for anyone who followed it when it happened. Terry Bollea explaining that his penis is shorter than ten inches while Hulk Hogan's, the character's, is not: That's what I signed up for. When that case veers into the bizarrely vengeful, pretty much when Peter Thiel comes in, Nobody Speak becomes something else. The final third pits the sensitive, diligent bullpen of the Las Vegas Review-Journal against billionaire liver spot Sheldon Adelson, who bought their paper to suppress it. Then, of course, the doc expands to Donald Trump's vilification of the free press. If that sounds like a straight line, it doesn't come off that way in the film. The Hogan/Gawker stuff, which takes up the majority of the running time, feels unresolved after all the tangents. 77. The Reagan Show (Sierra Pettengill, Pacho Velez)- I'm cringing for the next five years, in which I'll have to judge a movie's success based on how subtly it invokes its mandatory Donald Trump comparisons and allegories. They're coming. In general, it's kind of sad to see how much more literate people were even thirty years ago, even as they populated a medium we all agreed was low culture. This documentary feels sharp at first, understanding something essential about the way Reagan owned his own persona. With the American Right treating him like some patron saint, it's also helpful to remember how much pushback he got at the end of his second term, for something that would be, like, the fiftieth most controversial thing Donald Trump would have done already. (See?) When the doc gets to its own fascination with Reagan's Star Wars program, however, it basically loses its thesis. As lean as it is, it still sort of stumbles to the finish line. 76. Beatriz at Dinner (Miguel Arteta)- I appreciated this portrayal of a culture clash way more than I liked it. For a while the characters are highly specific. (The delivery of "It's 6:13, Kathy" made me laugh out loud.) Then the plot turns into "Oh, so we're talking about Trump's America, right?" (See?) Here's a critique that's catty every time: This film has great ideas about class and race if you've never thought about class and race before. 75. I, Tonya (Craig Gillespie)- Oscar is calling...for the fat dude playing Shawn Eckhardt and no one else. If Allison Janney wins for doing the thing she always does over Laurie Metcalf's fully realized human, then it's a huge mistake. Successful in some of its comedic goals, especially in its depiction of northwestern goons, the shame of the working class, and period detail. (I laughed out loud when I saw the Girbaud tag on Gilooly's jeans.) Unsuccessful in most of its other goals--if I'm even reading the film correctly in my assumption of those goals. The most obvious one is the slippery nature of the truth, and that idea is handled clumsily. Gillespie goes to great GoodFellas-aping lengths to grapple with perception--having characters break the fourth wall even though there are already voiceovers and to-camera interviews. That talking to the camera comes up a few times in the disturbing scenes of domestic violence, which do humanize the characters because the other elements of the film can't, but they distract the viewer with their blitheness. The most puzzling angle of the film is the Hard Copy reporter, played by Bobby Cannavale in yet another example of his agent not knowing how famous he is. It's a missed opportunity in a movie full of them. 74. It (Andy Muschietti)- I don't get why people went nuts for this. The ensemble avails itself pretty well, despite all the sitcom-y dialogue. (Dialogue that, based on the Stephen King that I've read, is probably faithful to the book.) Some of the visuals nail the distinction between surreal and unreal--my favorite is the children's TV show that sporadically drifts into the murderous. But the movie just kind of hangs there, all the way to its interminable ending, satisfied with its own literal presentation of events that seem to be metaphorical. As I understand, It--however It manifests itself--represents the death of childhood and the emergence of an adult banality of evil. But the movie engages with that level as little as possible, and maybe that's why people are going nuts for it. This is a scary movie if you're a child, and most of the moviegoing public seem to be children. 73. Before I Fall (Ry Russo-Young)- I mostly watched this because I think Zoey Deutch is a Movie Star, and if I'm going to be there for her Speed, I have to be there for her Love Potion No. 9's as well. I appreciated Before I Fall's brevity, but the premise offers a lot more fun than the film is willing to have. In the end the balance was off: It had to be either more moralistically PG-13 or go way darker. For example, just like in Groundhog Day, the character realizes that she'll live out the same day no matter what she does, and it triggers a nihilistic phase. But rather than going on a shooting spree or stealing stuff from a mall, she just, like, wears a sexier dress and talks back to her parents. Good swing, kids, but I'm waiting for the crazier version.

72. War Machine (David Michod)- There are some standout moments in War Machine, many of which are thanks to its impressive cast, but I don't think the film is cohesive enough for me to recommend. I know what Michod is against--counter-insurgency, military hubris--but it's harder to figure out what he's arguing for beyond some sort of level of transparency. The war sequence near the end feels at odds with the tone of everything else, even though it benefits from the Nick Cave and Warren Ellis score. In a similarly frustrated vein, I feel as if I know exactly who Glen McMahon is, and the script's greatest strength is how sharply it draws him, but Pitt's studied performance adds distance to it. It's as if all of the film's comedic nature is supposed to come from how people revolve around his straight man, and that expectation is too much to put on his shoulders. There's more than a little Bud Turgidson in the voice Pitt affects, but the difference is that, as mean as this sounds, I always believed George C. Scott when he played a smart person. 71. The Trip to Spain (Michael Winterbottom)- Diminishing returns. 70. Downsizing (Alexander Payne)- There's a meta-effect to the structure of Downsizing. Its characters decide to shrink themselves, finding unpredictable challenges in the process, and the film similarly gets more problematic as it focuses further into each of its four legs. The first part, the outside world, is when the film is at its most cutting and well-observed. It still lays its points on thickly--dude at the bar asking if downsized people should be able to vote, for example--but the questions are worth asking. The second part, Leisureland, the bourgeois subdivision lil' Damon lives in, is more satirical and less satisfying. (I do love that downsizing ends up being such a gauche pursuit though. Payne has always had his finger on the pulse of people with poor taste.) The third part, which takes place in the downsizing slums, is a sharp, unfunny left turn that discards characters but at least develops the protagonist further. And then the wheels come off in Norway. At least we got to hear Udo Kier say, "I do love my boat." 69. Okja (Bong Joon-Ho)- Since Okja is such a unique movie, I feel as if people will overpraise it as a way to brand themselves: Its poster is probably going to be in a lot of dorm rooms. But there's a lot that you have to look past in order to recommend it. In general, I find that Bong's English language work has a bizarre mixture of muddled themes being presented in direct ways. There is some sweetness here--most of it due to the amazingly detailed rendering of the pig--but too much of the comedy doesn't work, and the ending feels a bit easy. I liked most of the stuff with the Animal Liberation Front, and I kind of wish they had been the focal point of the movie. Can I say, as my main takeaway, that I'm worried about Jakey G? He is so big here, so out-of-tune with the rest of the film, that I blame Bong for not reining him in. At the same time, I keep making excuses for Gyllenhaal, claiming that his parts are under-written, but at a certain point, you have to point the finger at him if there's such a pattern of bad performances emerging. I didn't see Everest, but this is his fourth brick in a row. Help us, Dan Gilroy. You're our only hope. 68. The Killing of a Sacred Deer (Yorgos Lanthimos)- An interesting swing that ends up missing for me. Excepting The Lobster, Lanthimos's works seem obsessed with family dynamics, and he plays some interesting games with this family's perversions. Farrell's character's story about his father dovetails with his somnophilia, which seems to inspire the way his daughter offers herself to her object of affection. From Anna's medical past to Steven's alcoholism, these characters seem to have full lives that have been in motion long before the events of the story. But I kind of suspect I'm worshiping at the altar of auteurism, and I wouldn't have half the respect or patience I do for this film had I not known who made it. The dialogue and performances are purposefully flat and stilted, thus creating an off, eerie quality before we know why we should be unnerved. But what if the performances are just, you know, bad? The film also creates a premise that concludes in an inevitably unsatisfying way. I don't know what I would have done instead, but I'm not a genius filmmaker who gets the benefit of the doubt.

[disabilitymissunderstood]

welp you guys been requesting me to do one, so here i did! enjoy!

1: Full name

Amy)I prefer alex) Kathrine 

2: Age/20

3: 3 Fears

men(i am working on it), small spaces and being forgotten

4: 3 things I love

animals, music, baking/cooking

5: 4 turns on

being held, kissing, hugging, and smiling

6: 4 turns off

yelling, being lied too, betrayal, being mean

7: My best friend

my dog

8: Sexual orientation

 g-a-y (remember i am both genders)

9: My best first date

never been on  a date D:

10: How tall am I

5′4 i am short :c

11: What do I miss

the old me, and my brother Micheal.

12: What time were I born

in the morning (dont know the time)

13: Favourite color

 red, black, grey, and white

14: Do I have a crush

yesss

15: Favorite quote

“people don’t die from suicide, they die from sadness”

16: Favourite place 

library, hot topic, humane society, pet-co/pet smart, cuddling with Gracie, in bed.

17: Favourite food

 pastaa and rice

18: Do I use sarcasm

A L W A Y S

19: What am I listening to right now

 never to late by three days grace

20: First thing I notice in new person

 there attitude 

21: Shoe size/ 8

22: Eye color/  B R O W N

23: Hair color/ B R O W N

24: Favourite style of clothing

anything from Hot topic/spencers

25: Ever done a prank call?

maybe when i was younger??

27: Meaning behind my URL/

i am disabled and just wanna let others that are aswell its okay to be different, you’re not alone<3

28: Favourite movie/ dogs purpose

29: Favourite song/ to many

30: Favourite band/ lots

31: How I feel right now

my neck is killing me >:(

32: Someone I love/ my dog

33: My current relationship status/ S I N G L E

34: My relationship with my parents/ good?

35: Favorite holiday

Christmas, thanksgiving, and Halloween

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

 piercings- my boobs, my septum and my ears (i plan on getting more) and tattoos i haven’t gotten around yet

37: Tattoos and piercing i want/ check my blog

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

just to have a place to express my feelings and likes

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

Y E S 

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yesss

42: When did I last hold hands?

yesterday!

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

like 10 mins

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

yus

45: Where am I right now?

in bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

my brothers

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

loud

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

currently living w my mom but i am going to be moving into my apartment soon!

49: Am I excited for anything?

moving into my apartment soon! also applying for college soon!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

yes!

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

L O T S 

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

today

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i would be balling rn

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

yes

55: What is something I disliked about today?

nothing

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

mmm good question, probably ronnie radke

57: What do I think about most?

my future and sometimes my past...

58: What’s my strangest talent?

breathing

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

small places

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

some days behind it, others in front of it

61: What was the last lie I told?

mmmmm im not sure

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

texting

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes yes

64: Do I believe in magic?

yes

65: Do I believe in luck?

for other people? yes, but for me? no

66: What’s the weather like right now?

its storming (rain and thunder)

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

fifty shades of grey ^_^

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

yes ;,,,,;

69: Do I have any nicknames?

little one, poobear, princess

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

cut on my neck, deep scar on my arm, and my head

71: Do I spend money or save it?

save it 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

no

74: Favourite animal?

slothes are so cute! (i generally don’t have a favorite animal i love all)

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

watching netflix

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

mmm don’t know

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

sunflower by post malone

78: How can you win my heart?

by me food and show me u actually love me

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“she was a hero”

80: What is my favorite word?

F U C K

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

@foodie4ever @tropiclyy @sadviolences @traaumaa @beyondbrokenvixi

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

fuck you T R U  M P

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

don’t know

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

let me fly xD

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

good question, i am not sure.

86: What is my current desktop picture?

my dog

87: Had sex?

Y E S

88: Bought condoms?

mhm

89: Gotten pregnant?

almost

90: Failed a class?

yes :)

91: Kissed a boy?

yes 

92: Kissed a girl?

yus

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yes

94: Had job?

yes

95: Left the house without my wallet?

many times lmao

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

never

97: Had sex in public?

god no

98: Played on a sports team?

yes

99: Smoked weed?

yes 

100: Did drugs?

yes

101: Smoked cigarettes?

yes

102: Drank alcohol?

yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

V E G A N

104: Been overweight?

yes but currently trying to lose it!

105: Been underweight?

i used to be skinny...(used to be anorexic)

106: Been to a wedding?

yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yes

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yes

109: Been outside my home country?

yes

110: Gotten my heart broken?

many times

111: Been to a professional sports game?

yes

112: Broken a bone?

yes

113: Cut myself?

i still struggle with it..

114: Been to prom?

no

115: Been in airplane?

yes

116: Fly by helicopter?

yes

117: What concerts have I been to?

marianatrench, post malone, nickleback, miley cyrus, and justin bieber-

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yes

119: Learned another language?

yes

120: Wore make up?

still do

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

yes

122: Had oral sex?

yes

123: Dyed my hair?

many times

124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes

125: Rode in an ambulance?

yes

126: Had a surgery?

yes

127: Met someone famous?

yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

god no

129: Peed outside?

camping...

130: Been fishing?

love it

131: Helped with charity?

always

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yes

133: Broken a mirror?

yes

134: What do I want for birthday?

happinesss

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

i want atleast 4 or 6..

136: Was I named after anyone?

my grandfather(my dads dad) mother

137: Do I like my handwriting?

sure

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

barbie

139: Favourite Tv Show?

IZombie and big mouth

140: Where do I want to live when older?

in the country.

141: Play any musical instrument?

piano and drums

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

self-harm

143: Favourite pizza toping?

everything that isn’t meat

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

nah

145: Am I afraid of heights?

yes

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

when i was 12

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yes

148: What I’m really bad at

not yelling

149: What my greatest achievments are

graduating treatment 

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

“hey, i fucked your dead brother last night” ( a bully said that to me )

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy so many cane corsos

152: What do I like about myself

my personality 

153: My closest Tumblr friend

don’t have one

154: Something I fantasise about

a better life

155: Any question you’d like?

anything!

[crumblingautumnleaves]

Long Time

Requested by: Anonymous

Summary: When the reader’s best friend moves to the other side of the country, they certainly never expected to bump into him two years later.

Pairing(s): Ethan x Reader

Warnings: None! I was a pure bean for once.

A/N: It took me a looong time to get round to writing this, but here it is. In this the reader is from Maine like Ethan so I apologise to everyone that lives elsewhere (that’s gotta be, like, the majority of y’all, right?). Flashbacks/memories are in italics.

The strong scent of coffee hit you instantly as you stepped into the café. You ordered your usual, popping your headphones into your ears as you received the paper cup and stepped back outside into the street. It was a bright and sunny day, something you were still getting used to since you had only moved from Maine a couple of months ago.

You couldn’t help but feel a little homesick as your mind wandered back to your family and friends that were currently on the opposite side of America. All of your dreams had come true when you were accepted into an elite college in Los Angeles, a place you had always longed to see. You sighed as you thought back to when Ethan Nestor was in your life. You had grown up together, your entire lives you were practically joined at the hip. Everyone would comment on how close you were and that, some day, you would wind up married. He was your rock, your soulmate. Nothing could separate the two of you.

Five years ago

“That’s no fair, you cheated!” Ethan panted as he reached the bench you were sprawled across.

“You said it was a race, you never specified when said race started.” You laughed at him, patting the seat next to you.

“God damn you, Y/N Y/L/N.” He grumbled, collapsing onto the bench and resting an arm over the back of it. You instinctively manoeuvred yourself into his side and he wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

The two of you sat in silence for a while, watching the sun set over the horizon, before Ethan stood up and suggested you start walking back home.

“Stay round mine for the night,” you offered. “You know you’re welcome to.”

“That’s just what we need, more evidence suggesting we’re dating.” He joked, removing his jacket and throwing it around your frame to protect you from the cold.

“Well, can you blame everyone for thinking it?” You teased.

“As if I’d ever date you, you’re gross.”

“I’m gross? At least I don’t have cooties.”

“Real mature, Y/N. The day I date you is the day Hell freezes over.”

“I’d rather shave my head than date you.” You laughed, prodding him in the ribs playfully.

“Tell you what, if we end up dating then we can shave our heads together.”

“Nah,” you said, running your fingers through his thick, brown hair. “I like your hair too much. Why don’t you dye it instead?”

He grinned and nodded in agreement. “What colour should I dye it?”

You shrugged, thinking of his favourite colour. “How about blue?”

“You have yourself a deal,” he said, shaking your hand. “When we start dating I will dye my hair and you'll shave yours off.”

“I think you mean if we start dating, Ethan.”

“Yeah, sure, if.”

Present day

You mentally cursed as the image of your old best friend found its way into your brain. You had managed to avoid thinking about him ever since he had left you. That selfish, arrogant bastard. He had moved away with little explanation, leaving you all alone and wondering why you weren’t good enough for him. It had been almost two years now since you had last spoken and you had given up all hope on him tracking you down and apologising like you had hoped.

Suddenly. everything around you reminded you of him. The song playing on your phone described how you felt about him; the sky was his favourite shade of blue; the drink you were holding was the same one that he used to make you every morning.

You needed to get this boy off your mind, fast.

Rounding a corner, you found yourself at a large park that you had discovered about a week back. It was the ideal spot to sit and watch the world go by, especially when you had a good playlist and a delicious drink. The song ‘Fergalicious’ came on and you felt a bitter-sweet pang of pain in your heart. You were there when Ethan recorded himself lip-syncing to it all those years ago and from then on you would use it to wind him up. Hurriedly, you skipped the song, allowing yourself to relax slightly when it was no longer playing.

Your eyes wandered over to a yellow Lab, happily trotting alongside a group of men. Two were making large gestures with their arms and having a conversation as another recorded it, the camera on his shoulder blocking his face. The dog watched them warily and you could hear them talk to it before erupting into laughter. You couldn’t help but smile as the dog’s tail started wagging excitedly at the sound of its owners’ happiness. Ethan loved dogs too.

You groaned, finding it impossible not to think of him now. It was like the floodgates had opened and every suppressed emotion and thought were now crashing through in one massive tidal wave, flooding your senses and consuming your mind.

Two years ago

The sound of someone knocking on your door echoed through your house. Beaming at the person on the other side of it once you opened it, you stepped to one side to let them in.

“Ethan, hi. I didn’t know you were coming round today.” You greeted him, leading him to the couch in the living room before sitting next to him.

“Actually, I have news,” he announced. “I can’t stay too long, I need to pack.”

“Going on holiday?” You asked, surprised neither he - nor his family - had told you.

Ethan fiddled with his fingers, twiddling his thumbs and cracking his knuckles. “Not exactly.” You waited patiently for him to elaborate before he took a deep breath. “Look, Y/N, I don’t want to make things awkward between us, but there’s something I need to get off my chest. I just hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship.”

“There’s nothing to worry about,” you reassured him, holding one of his hands in your own. “Ethan, you’re my best friend, you can tell me anything.”

“Y/N, I love you.” He blurted out. His cheeks turned pink and he dropped his gaze.

“Well, yeah, I love you too, doofus.” You joked, a little confused.

“No - I mean - more than a friend.” He explained.

“Wait, what?” You said weakly, not quite taking it all in yet.

“Y/N, I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember. You’re everything to me, I can’t imagine my life without you. That’s why this is going to be really difficult...”

You stared at him in shock as he trailed off. Never had you thought that he would harbour romantic feelings for you, let alone declare his love for you like this. You felt your face light up, you were overjoyed with happiness.

And that’s when he spoke again.

“I’m moving to California.”

Your face fell in disbelief as you struggled to find the right response.

“W-what?” You finally managed to stammer out.

Ethan spoke quickly, as if he was worried he might change his mind if he stopped talking for even a second. “Tomorrow. I’m leaving Maine and moving to California. My friends from YouTube invited me to work with them and it’s an offer I can’t say no to. I wanted to tell you earlier, but I was scared you would try and stop me. I don’t want to leave you, but you have to understand that this is the opportunity of a lifetime. And I don’t want my feelings for you to get in the way of me finally getting what I want in life. So, this is me getting everything off my chest and... and saying goodbye.”

When he was finished talking he just watched you, waiting for your reaction. You were overcome with emotions as everything clicked in your head, your best friend reciprocated your love for him, but he was leaving you. He didn’t want to tell you in case it hurt you, but he also didn’t trust you enough to let him achieve his dreams. You looked into his stormy green-blue eyes and saw nothing but anguish.

“Ethan, I would never try to get in the way of your goals, and if you don’t know that by now then you clearly don’t know me as well as you think.” Your voice wobbled slightly and you tried to keep a straight face.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I meant- I just meant that if you had tried to convince me to stay then I would’ve. But I need to put this job first, I can’t have someone tying me down.” He stopped when he realised what he had said. “Wait, no, that didn’t come out right. I didn’t-”

“Get out.” You hissed, cutting him off.

Ethan’s face paled, his eyes wide. “No, Y/N, please-”

“I said get out.” You said sternly. You stood up pointed to the door.

He walked away, tears threatening to spill onto his face as he watched you open the door for him. “Y/N-”

“I hope you find what you’re looking for in California,” you told him, going to slam the door on him.

“Wait,” he called, leaning against it with one arm. “Before I go, I have to know. Do you love me too?”

You clenched your jaw and stared him straight in the eye. “Goodbye, Ethan.” You pushed him outside and let the tears fall silently as the latch clicked behind him, removing him from your life forever.

Present day

Something warm and wet hit your hand and you opened your eyes in surprise, half expecting it to be tears. Instead, you found yourself face to face with the Labrador, who was now licking your palm and nuzzling her nose into your fingers.

“Well, hey there, gorgeous.” You cooed, petting her gently and cracking a small smile when she barked in response. “What’s your name?”

“That’s Chica,” a deep voice said, making you jump. You looked up and saw one of the men from before watching you. He had dark hair and kind eyes. “I’m sorry if she’s bothering you, she ran off before we could put her back on her leash.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble. She just wanted to say hello.” You replied, returning your gaze to Chica, her big, brown eyes staring up at you and her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth.

“Well, say goodbye to the nice person, Chica, it’s time to go home.” The man said. You gathered your things and went to head off yourself when the other two men walked over to the three of you.

“You ready to go, Mark?” The taller of the pair asked. The first man said something in reply, but you were too distracted to hear it.

The last man was staring at you, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide with shock. His bright blue hair was different, yet a familiar shade. The same colour that he loved so much.

“Ethan?” You asked quietly, not sure whether to trust your instinct.

“Y/N.” He said, his voice cracking as tears started flowing down his face.

“Ethan!” You ran towards him and he met you halfway, pulling you into a tight hug and twirling you around.

“Y/N!” He cried, collapsing onto the floor, you still in his arms as you sobbed. “I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”

“I am too. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” You whispered, clinging to him for dear life, as if you were afraid you would lose him again if you let go.

“I wanted to call you but I was so scared you wouldn’t want to be friends after what happened. Not a day’s passed that I don’t regret what happened.” He told you, cradling you gently as his tears fell on the top of your head.

“Ethan,” you managed to choke out between sobs. “I love you too.” You felt him stiffen before he hugged you even harder and kissed your forehead.

“I love you,” He repeated. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“Hey, uh, guys?” Mark called awkwardly. “I hate to interrupt, but what the heck is going on here?”

“I’ll tell you what’s going on here,” Ethan replied, scrambling to stand up and pulling you up behind him. “Y/N here has to shave their head.”

[jesterlady]

Avengers Endgame Review

So it's finally time, I am about to give the world my review and feelings of Endgame.  I've had this swirling around in my head for weeks but am finally ready to give it voice.  I've seen the movie twice and there are obviously massive spoilers ahead so read at your own risk.

First off, I like this movie.  It's a good movie despite the sadness and the stupid time travel, so when I criticize it, know I still enjoyed it.  I think it's a beautiful crowning achievement, the end of an era of the MCU. In many ways I wish it was the end of the MCU, it would be fitting and sometimes things should end.  I laughed and cried and cheered with everyone and seeing it opening weekend was absolutely an amazing experience.  For a full time fan it had some amazing fanservice and callbacks.

I also want to point out that I am usually incredibly good at liking a movie on its own terms.  Even if something doesn't make sense or doesn't make sense in our world, so long as that universe has claimed it as its own, I'll put on my suspension of disbelief and shrug my shoulders and say, 'whatever you say, squire.'  So really I'm the type of person who should be okay with the way they handled time travel in this movie.  Spoiler, I'm not.  I'll go into all of that.

Let's get the generals out of the way.  Visually it's fantastic, acting its ass off, I'm okay with the writing, I laughed at all the funny bits, it's heartwarming and gives all the feels.  Love the music, love the cinematography, all that jazz.

Character looks changes since, wow, there were a lot:

Steve: Thank you, Cap, for shaving the beard.  Chrevans is a fine looking man with a beard but it does not scream clean linen and fresh apple pie and I need my Cap that way.

Natasha: I'm actually a fan of the red ombre look, Katniss braid and all.  It's pretty and I need her red because the blonde was not good, not good at all.  I know people complain about hair not growing out that slow, but I think it's a good symbol, Natasha caught between two worlds, the old and the new, becoming more herself, but unable to let go of the past.  And it's red and it's pretty.

Clint: Yeah, the mohawk grew on me.  I actually think when you see it moving and in action, it works, it's only in the pictures and promos that it just looks weird.  I feel like the tattoo sleeve was a bit much.  (That can't come off so easy post-snap, Clint!)  His Ronin suit was cool; I would have liked to have seen more of it.

Carol: I don't like the haircut.  That's it; I just don't like the look.  But whatever. I think it's kind of pointless other than to emphasize again time has passed, but they were hammering that point in hard enough without that reminder.  But honestly, I don't care.

Bruce: So, this is more about my feelings on Bruce in the movie than his look, but it's all tied up in his look so I'll put it here.  I am leery of Professor Hulk.  I'm gonna go with Valkyrie, better either of the other ways.  The CGI was really cool, but I think it says something alarming about how Bruce is handling his situation and his solution…is not good. We'll skip over how he magically invented a Gammatron thing to accomplish this and go into how it directly goes against what had been happening in the MCU so far and how Bruce/Hulk is handled in the comics.  The best way is when Bruce and Hulk both develop as individuals and come to a symbiotic understanding, two beings sharing a body.  Eddie and Venom style.  Hulk had been given his own story in Ragnarok and had his own path as evidenced by him hiding in IW.  Now, there is no Hulk.  It's Bruce wearing a Hulk suit, just like him wearing Tony's armor.  That almost feels like murder to me.  My mom said she thought Bruce had more Hulkish characteristics now, okay, maybe, but I think it's more like him acting a part now that he's Professor Hulk and feels like he beat the beast.  My theory is supported by the fact that when the Ancient One astral planes him, it's only Bruce that comes out of the body.  Now, I'm happy he's happy, but I think they went the wrong way on this one.

Thor: Loving the long hair again, though I wish he'd brush it a bit, hate the beard.  The lightning makeover made it very cool with the Viking look, but otherwise, please shave immediately!  You know, it was funny for him to be so out of shape, it was also sad because it showed how depressed he really was.  I am okay with the jokes and don't think it was wrong for us to think it funny because we're conditioned to think that Chris Hemsworth with his shirt off is supposed to be the latest in hunk.  Did they have to joke about it as much as they did? Probably not, but I don't think it was horrendous and body shaming and he clearly does need to get more healthy in body and mind.  I fully expect and will be fine with, if we see him again, him being unmelted ice cream.

Superficial out of the way, let's walk through the movie and then dive into the time travel issues.

Okay, Tony and Nebula dynamic is the best and I would have wanted so much more of that. Tony leaving the message for Pepper is all the feels.

Did Carol go looking for them or just find them?  It doesn't really matter, but I'd still like to know.  With Pepper being at the compound I'm thinking yes.

Poor Steve and Tony, that was not a good reunion, and I don't like Tony yelling at Steve, but I can understand it in his frame of mind.

Going off to kill Thanos, yay!  Okay, so all along I've been pulling for Nebula to kill Thanos and honestly, she deserves it.  Second in line, Thor.  So I was glad Thor did that, but poor Nebula.  She's such a beautiful character and so tragic and I just wish there had been a bit more catharsis for her other than the potential of acceptance and pride she didn't need and blood splattering her face.  I mean, ouch!  My ultimate version of a Thanos death in this movie would have been both Nebulas and past Gamora killing him with help from Thor. 

And Five Years Later.  Lol, the audience was all what!  I'm all, duh!

So yeah, a rat really did save the world, you guys.  I mean, come on!  Poor Scott. Though I am thinking, okay, the world is clearly a trashpile now and yet we had the resources to create giant monument graveyards presumably all over the world?  Also, his reunion with Cassie was sweet, but I'm sorry, I can't help but mourn the loss of the munchkin.  That actress was super adorbz and now we'll never see her again and I am not okay with that.  Also, I really feel like that new Cassie was way too old looking.  (Guys, I'm not good with ages, but little Cassie was like 6, 5 years makes her 11, that girl was clearly 15 or 16.  Though again...seeing as how Harley looks way too old to me as well and that's the actual actor, what do I know?)

Love the team effort spread out over the globe and universe.  It's also a good way to handle Carol.  Over-powered characters are so difficult to handle because then there is no conflict, so it was good to show her off saving the whole universe (honestly just like she's apparently been doing this whole time).

Oh Nat.  Her and her sandwich.  Her and Clint!  Finally this movie gives me the Clint/Natasha content I deserve and then rips my heart from me.  She's handling this burden but her partner is lost and that's what's breaking her and I can't handle it!

Her and Steve's friendship has always been aces and I loved that scene.

Scott there to save the world and he's so refreshing and then on to Tony and it's so precious he has little Morgan and they did a good job showcasing that he is handling this the best of anyone and honestly deserves to.

Nat is wearing the arrow necklace again!!!!

I'm glad Tony said no, but honestly, it's so like him to have a problem and need to fix it. And Pepper is such a queen, such an amazing giver, and the world doesn't deserve her.

We've gone over my feelings on Bruce (the joke with him and Scott went on way too long and was not funny.  Also, thank you for only doing the barest of alluding to a Bruce/Nat romance.)

Tony and Steve scenes are the best and I love them rebuilding something and Steve getting the shield back.

Tokyo in the rain kills me.  Okay, so let's talk a bit about Clint here.  I am not a fan of the farm, I wish the farm had never happened and I like to live in a world where it didn't.  In fact that gifset where Clint introduces Laura as his sister is my preferred canon and I think would have done the trick in his grief spiral.  Personally, I don't have any issues with a Ronin lifestyle and my only worry is what it's doing to his psyche.  Oh, but them in the rain, my feels, my feels, my feels.  Honestly, the world is chaotic now and needs a bit of vigilante justice.

Thor and New Asgard.  My first thought is that while obviously the most decimated people in the universe, the Asgardians really lucked out coming to earth when they did, because at what other time would we have accepted an alien race landing on earth to come and live with us without freaking out?  I don't even know how there are any left anyway because clearly so many died in Ragnarok and then half of them were wiped out by Thanos (pre-snap, remember, so did they come back?!  Not likely unless Bruce (who was there) included them, but still unlikely.)  Then the half that were left...were on a ship that got completely destroyed and left Thor floating in space.  So all I'm saying is they did not take care of continuity for this people and they were the real victims of the MCU. 

But clearly some escaped and I find it hilarious Thor is a depressed bum playing video games and it's so so sad at the same time and I just want to wrap him up and let him rest.  Honestly, Thor has lost everything and it's no wonder he's a giant mess and he deserves to be.  I'm also glad he didn't magically buck up, because honestly no one would.

The PLAN:

Them all planning together is so cute and a bit smart and good times apart from their ridiculous time travel premise we'll get into later.  I do want to be very clear here, Nebula did not know about the price for the soul stone or she would have told them.  There's no way she could have known.

Let's go over each era individually.

2012

You remember 2012 right?  It was glorious.  I don't care what you think about Joss Whedon or the rest of the MCU, 2012 was magic. In fact right after watching Endgame, I went home and read all my fave gen domestic team tower fic and I needed it. So the fanservice was lovely and seeing behind the scenes almost of what we loved was the best.  Everyone was perfect.  Hulk and the stairs, Thor and his hammer, Tony giving himself a heart attack, Cap in the elevator, America's ass, Loki and the tesseract, even being reminded that Hydra was in SHIELD at the time.  Apart from the time travel issues, it was all wonderful.

I’ve seen a lot of people point out how they didn’t like Steve in 2012 and how Endgame Steve was annoyed at himself, but I don’t see it.  2012 Steve is perfection, fight me.

I liked seeing the Ancient One as well, knowing they would have been there.  Seeing how much she knew about Strange ahead of time is good and her knowing what he meant by giving it up.  I'll go into the Stones and their conversation later as well.

2014 Asgard.

Poor Thor, but having him talk to his mom, that was beautiful and just what he needed.  I know some people were mad he didn't spend more time being sad about Loki but honestly, Frigga was what he needed right then. And not to have to be reminded of Jane and how annoyingly that ended up for no reason whatsoever other than Natalie Portman deciding not to come back.  What if Gwyneth Paltrow had felt that way!  I shudder to think.  But that’s part of my ongoing saga of how horribly the Thor saga in particular, yes, even Ragnarok, especially Ragnarok, treats its characters and continuity.

2014 Morag

Seeing the opening of Guardians was so funny and I loved it.  But I got super annoyed at Rhodey saying Quill was an idiot for it. Rude!  Do you know how often I dance around my house lip syncing to music only I can hear?  We adore it when people do that in the movies.  There was nothing idiotic about it and I resented the way people looked down on Quill in the movie.  For instance, I’m super mad about how his reunion with Gamora went.  He reacted beautifully and I also understand her reacting the way she did if she didn’t know him, but Nebula had told her about him and that was just mean and condescending.  In fact, I also get annoyed about the whole rivalry between him and Thor.  I mean, just let Quill alone.  Having his own team, his own family, be so cavalier is annoying, especially when they’ve all lost Gamora and Peter has lost a lot of people very important to him in a very short period of time.  Yes, he is insecure, but he’s also lost a lot and I’m a fan of loyalty.

There not being traps is so funny and then 2014 Thanos happens.  Ugh.  It was the way to bring Gamora into the film and Thanos honestly.  But ugh.  I do think the network with the Nebulas was clever, though very convenient, memories just project themselves out and happen to be the ones that would clue Thanos in to what happened!  I hate for Nebula to be subject to that again after being free for 5 years.   More really.  Poor 2014 Nebula as well. 

Switching the Nebulas was clever as well (though why on earth wouldn’t anyone wonder why Nebula wasn’t with them when they tried the snap?)

Also, let’s not get into it too deeply yet but they are very clear, so clear, that Pym Particles are the only way you get through the quantum realm and they ONLY had enough for ONE round trip per person.  It’s why we had to go to the 70s in the first place, remember?  When 2014 Nebula presents herself to Thanos, she hands him the vial of particles, we never see him hand it back.  Now, either she was just showing it to him and he gave it back and that’s how she came to the future, (which is most likely), or she gave it to him so he could come to the future with their evil plan (but then how did she get back with the others?)  But either way, someone shouldn’t have been able to get to the future.  No matter what Nebula did to the Quantum tunnel, (so convenient she just plugged in and did all these science/mechanic/time travel things) there were no Pym particles that could have brought Thanos, our Nebula, 2014 Gamora, and all of his vast armies and armada to the present. IT LITERALLY COMPLETELY FALLS APART AND MAKES NO SENSE AND GOES AGAINST THEIR OWN RULES!

2014 Vormir

Oh my heart. I’m actually ashamed, I didn’t see it coming until they were headed to Vormir and then I knew, I knew one would die and I was so unhappy the whole scene.  I didn’t go into this movie fearing for either one of them so it was a big shock.  I’d been expecting Steve and/or Tony to die. 

So like I said, I’ve been a Clint/Natasha shipper since day one.  Honestly, I didn’t even care if they were together so long as they were always the most important people to each other and were together. The MCU tore that from me with Ultron, but also with their cavalier treatment of Clint in general.  Say what you will about Natasha’s arc, it’s hella better than Clint’s.  So don’t give me that.  Clint is my favorite character so naturally I’m biased in his favor, I accept that.  But I love him and Natasha and so it was going to devastate me either way.  (I also love Natasha).  Remember the early version of Winter Soldier when Clint and Nat were in it and he stayed with Hydra to fool everyone while she went off with Steve and Sam and they were secret partners just like I’m convinced they were in Civil War?  Jeremy Renner wasn’t available as I recall, oh sadness.

Anyway, so this scene just slayed me.  They were so pure together, each trying to die for the other.  Oh, it was awful and visually stunning and I am so annoyed at how it ended.  How deep a contrast between the parallel scene with Thanos and Gamora, each just as sad though.  But no matter what the end result was, it brought Clint and Natasha back to each other, back to their rightful spots at each other’s sides and uppermost in each other’s hearts.  It was always them and if they’d killed one or the other without letting the other one be there, I would have been so furious.

And I’ve seen a lot of hate about letting Natasha die this way.  For a man, no funeral, but I don’t agree.  I don’t want her to have died and I’m so sad, but I think it was a glorious death and I think it did close out her arc beautifully.  Clint tried his darndest but she was better than him and she chose it and she saved everyone.  You want the credit in this film, it goes…rat, Scott, Natasha, Tony. As for her not being mourned, heck yeah she was.  Clint clearly is mourning and that funeral was absolutely for her just as much as Tony. It’s a movie structure thing, and I have no issues with that.  There’s no way she wasn’t heralded just as much as he was to the people who matter if not to the world.

I did read that the writers/directors didn’t know there was a Black Widow movie in the works and if that’s true, it both proves and illustrates my two points that Marvel really is the deciding force in everything if the individual movies are so sure that they’ll get stopped if they’re wrong they don’t even bother to check on things, and that the MCU has gotten too big for its britches and doesn’t bother to take care of the characters they have in their insane rush to bring in new stories and characters.

1970s

Goodbye Stan Lee cameo, we miss you already.  And look at Community sneaking into the MCU one bit at a time.  And Jarvis!  You know, that’s the first character from one of the shows who’s been allowed to be in a movie rather than the other way around.  Way to validate, Marvel.  It’s scary how the technology works to make younger versions of people these days (provided the actors are still alive to play underneath the CGI).  And Peggy, glorious Peggy, that was an important moment for Steve and I don’t care what anyone else thinks.  I’m not overly fond of old Howard Stark but if Tony got to see him, I’m glad.  I’m so glad for his sake.  He deserves validation he was loved.

Back to our present.  A mourning scene for Natasha is appropriate and, boy, would I hate to be Clint.

The second snap. Appropriate in many ways for it to be Bruce and the snap worked!  Everyone came back.  Question: did everyone come back in the same place they left just 5 years forward in time? It seems that way from what Peter said. So…what about the people who came back in planes that were no longer in the same space in the sky or in space or underwater or in buildings long gone?  For that matter, did Thanos consider all those things when he wiped out half the universe?  Did the accidents resulting from people being gone get considered in his numbers?  I know these are more IW questions, but they’re valid. And like I said, Asgardians?  The people who died as a result of people being snapped, did Bruce bring them back as well?  And we can also talk about how a sudden influx of people like that will likely cause quite a lot of chaos and issues.

But then explosions and Thanos attacks even though it makes no sense for him to be there and people are drowning and the compound is destroyed!

Battle commences and the three of them pounding on Thanos like that is pretty cool. Unfortunately, guys, remember how unbeatable Thanos was with the Stones in IW, and how it almost seemed like Thor by himself would get him?  Here, he doesn’t have the Stones and our three main guys are not able to beat him. That’s a little contrived, just saying.

Okay, but Steve with the hammer, how cool is that?  And how cool is it for Thor not to be jealous?  We all cheered so loud and it was awesome.  Love it, love it, love it.  Don’t break the shield though!!!  (Never mind, pop back to the PAST store and pick up a replacement.)  Good fighting, good visuals, yay.

And the image of Steve standing by himself, ready to take on a whole army…it’s so him.  He is willing to fight to his last breath always (so stop hating on him finally getting to rest himself, guys).  It was glorious.

And then…on your left.  Oh my heart, oh we all cheered for every portal opening.  That music, it was the best.  Such awesome moments, everyone was there.  And extra sorcerers and Wakandans and Asgardians because like it or not our superheroes are not an army.  Epic battle!

Okay, and remember how people complain about Natasha not being there in the all woman power move (which I am totally fine with and it was a cool throwback and tribute), that’s sad and all, but you know who deserves to be there who wasn’t? Maria frikking Hill!  No reason her and Fury couldn’t have been there and if you’re going to bring Hope, you might as well bring Hank and Janet.  And frankly, I wish Sif had shown up and the SHIELD folks and all the other people who weren’t there, Nakia anyone?  Strange clearly gathered more people than he knew about with his knowledge of the future.  Heck, let’s remember Betty Ross exists since her dad clearly does.

So anyway, fabulous battle.  I just want to point out that Wanda could have beaten Thanos on her own (poor Wanda) and so could have Carol. 

Peter and Tony reunion brought my cold dead heart back to life.  He’s learned a little bit about being a Dad and he did this mainly for Peter. 

Nebula has to shoot herself, like how messed up is that.  Also, makes no sense, but it’s very sad.  Thought maybe that’s her catharsis, she puts the past literally behind her and moves on with her new family.  She was so tragic in this movie and I love her.

T’Challa knows Clint’s name. 

Peter and the Gauntlet clutching.

It’s nice to know why Strange saved Tony’s life by giving up the Gauntlet and that was a horrible one finger to have to lift up and condemn a man’s life.

Tony and Pepper fighting together

AvengersAssemble one more time

For heaven’s sake, where did the flying horse come from?

And then the culmination of eleven years of our lives and full circle I am Iron Man.  Oh brave Tony, I love you, sir, you are aces and I respect the heck out of you and I’m so thankful for you and it was very fitting.

Oh and having Rhodey and Peter and Pepper say goodbye.  Oh Pepper, you brave soul, you queen of the MCU, you absolute giver. Ugh, being the one left behind sucks.

And then everyone is fine and together and better and Tony gives us a voice over and there’s a funeral and we see everyone there, Tony Stark has a heart, and when Happy starts talking about cheeseburgers, I lost it.

I didn’t recognize Harley, but I love he was there.  Ross doesn’t deserve to be there.

Clint and Wanda’s moment gives me life and is the only remembrance for poor Vision.  Let’s remember folks, that I called it. Everyone who was snapped came back. Those that died apart from that, didn’t. Heimdell, Loki, Gamora, and Vision are still dead.

No one saw what happened to 2014 Gamora, did they?  A mystery likely to be unanswered until Guardians 3.  But Peter searching for her made me sad.  And it made me sad for everyone to gang up on him though I do like the idea of Thor joining the Guardians.

Scott, Hope, and Cassie together is so sweet.

And Steve…

I am a fan, I don’t think it’s OOC, I don’t think it’s lazy writing, I think Captain Frikking America deserves to dance and love his lady and not have to fight a battle anymore.  It’s a fitting end to Chris Evans and it was beautiful.  I would have been happy with either Bucky or Sam getting the shield and so that’s lovely.  As for people being upset about Steve just leaving and then Bucky not talking to Old Cap along with Sam.  Come on, guys.  Watch that scene.  Bucky knew what Steve was going to do and they had their goodbye there.  Also, Old Cap didn’t drop dead the second the camera left, guys.  There was plenty of time for him to talk to Bucky.  It was just was more important for Sam to get his proper goodbye and to pass the baton. 

Them ending it all on a happy Steve and Peggy, well, one of the couples deserves a happy ending, geesh.  Nobody else got one!  (I don’t count Clint and Laura!)  Granted, the next phase of lovers, T’Challa and Nakia, Strange and Christine, Scott and Hope, I guess, they could make it.  But Steve and Peggy living a life together, Steve learned how to let it go, and Tony learned how to give it up, and both are valid paths for their characters. Sad either way, but ultimately right in my opinion.

The credits were so cool and I was so happy they did the OG6 at the end like that.  They are the reason we love this and they deserve all the glory for the first few phases of the MCU.  They’re now passing the baton and that’s always why it was good and final for there not to be an end credit scene.

So time travel…I don’t pretend to know anything about quantum physics, but I know a lot about science fiction time travel.  The quantum tunnel being how they did it, that was the part that I could accept as being their rules of how they want to play it.  Doesn’t matter if it isn’t science, it’s their science.  Pym particles necessary to nagivate?  Okay, if that’s what you want to do.  Everyone always back at the exact same time with no time having passed no matter when you push your button to come back?  Okay, whatever.

There’s a lot of ways to do time travel.  Closed loops, paradoxes, alternate timelines, whatever happened happened.  LOST does the latter and it makes logical sense. The past happened the way it did because you always had gone back to the past and affected it, you just didn’t know it at the time.

But there’s always a certain amount of hand waving in time travel, okay?  It’s not easy to make it make sense.  Back to the Future is very solid, but there’s a certain amount you just have to accept.  Doctor Who does it really well, because it uses practically every type of time travel in its timey wimey way and manages for it to mostly make sense.  (River Song’s creator and his glorious power mad timeline aside.  Had to write two different fics to fix that!)  So like I said, you can go with a different version and have it make sci fi sense, but there are two incredibly important things to remember about time travel. 1. Ethics.  2. Stick to your own rules.

The Russos have confirmed alternate timelines were created with every change our peeps made in the past.  According to their version of time travel, it didn’t change their own pasts and can’t affect their future, but it does create alternate timelines.

Just to be clear, alternate realities and alternate timelines are different.  The multi-verse theory allows for completely different realities to be stacked alongside each other where every possibility is played out.  You can cross between them, sometimes the rules are that you can’t function in that dimension or sometimes you can take the place of that version of you and live there, either way.  It’s a whole separate place apart from your reality.  Generally, it’s not good form to interfere too much, but if you do, best to get back to your reality quickly.  You being there and making changes doesn’t change that world though any more than you switching jobs or meeting someone does in your own timeline. Too much crossing could destroy all realities though!

Alternate timelines are different though.  They are deliberate changes stemming from a cause and affect everything from that point on. Most of the time if you jump back to the future from a past where you changed something, then you’re jumping back to the future that change created.  Endgame doesn’t do that.  Which is very convenient and again, they can make their own rules even if they’re not logical and I’ll believe them, so long as they follow the two main things I said up above.

However, they don’t.

1.       Ethically, do they have the right to create other timelines and affect those people’s lives without knowledge of the consequences?  There’s now a timeline where a 2012 Loki is loose with the Tesseract. Folks, that’s not a good thing considering his mindset at the time.  There’s a 2014 Asgard Thor that doesn’t have his hammer (although when Steve took it back with him in time, I’m unsure whether he returned that as well as the Stones) and whatever Hank was going to use those Pym particles for, he now can’t. 2012 Steve knows about Bucky being alive.  2012 Hydra thinks Steve is on their side.  2014 Thanos and Gamora and Nebula and all his children are gone from that year and now the Guardians will never form in that timeline. 

Sure, maybe Frigga doesn’t die now, but the point is there are now numerous different timelines where billions of people’s lives will be different for better or for worse simply because our heroes decided to change their own timeline. How selfish is that?  Generally, it’s even a huge question when you’re trying to fix something that’s already been changed, ala SG1 Continuum.  Beau Bridges calls Cam, Daniel, and Sam arrogant for assuming that he’ll change billions of people’s lives because they insist the world was supposed to be different.  All any of us know is the reality we’re presented with.  Anya asks in Buffy how Giles knows the other world (the timeline Buffy came to Sunnydale) is any better.  He didn’t.  We did, but that’s another story.  We should consider how our actions changing time affects things other than the one thing we’re trying to fix.

2.       We’ve already been over how they gloss over the need for Pym Particles when it’s convenient for them so I won’t rehash that, but let’s talk about the Stones.  Why the heck is it all right to take any person or object you want from the past so long as it’s not the Stones?  Just because they make up the fabric of time?  Well, if that’s the case, when Thanos destroyed them, all time should have stopped or the universe exploded or something. Honestly, I could have handled their way of doing time travel a lot more if they hadn’t made such a big deal about needing to restore the Stones to the exact moment in time they were left in order to avoid these dark branches.  The Ancient One is just arguing for the logic of all the sci fi time travel that Endgame is saying is so wrong.  They should have just cut that part out.  Of course, that gave Steve an excuse to go back in time…so maybe it was all in the name of his ending, but that’s the poor writing part of that.

How do they get from one timeline to the other?  When they jump to the past, they always conveniently end up back in their own present but Old Cap had to jump from his alternate timeline to this one (specified by the Russos, mind you) to give Sam the shield.  How did he do that?  If he had just used his wrist device at the time he wanted to use it basically as long as it takes for him to accomplish his goal as Bruce says (according to their logic of time travel), he would have appeared on the platform when they expected him to, just old.  Of course, that’s not as nice of an aesthetic as Old Cap sitting on a bench, so I’ll give them artistic license on that.

It’s awfully convenient that Steve jumping back to the past and replacing all the Stones is so easy to do.  He never runs into any problems jumping into an alternate timeline, but they’ve created so many different ones, I feel like it should be easy to.  For instance because they changed things in 2012 and the 1970s, if he jumps into the 2012 one first, couldn’t he possibly jump back to the wrong one?  Tony sure made time travel infallible when he fixed it on the fly in his house with his only a genius on earth brain…

But one of my biggest issues is that the past has now become a get out of jail free card. Provided they have enough Pym Particles (which he’s alive now to make), they can fix anything they want in their own timeline (screwing all others) whenever they want.  Guys, no one ever has to die again!  Because here’s the thing, you can grab anyone from the past seconds before their death and it’s fine. 

All of the pathos and feels from Endgame have become meaningless.  Let’s go back and get Yinsen from Iron Man, we’re definitely saving Pietro.  What about Stanley Tucci?  I’m definitely saving Yondu. T’Chaka?  Odin, Frigga, Loki, Heimdell, the Warriors Three, and most definitely Vision, Gamora, Natasha, and Tony.  See, you can’t bring them back in the snap, but if you grab them before they die, then their timeline suffers, but yours doesn’t and as we’ve already established, apparently that doesn’t matter.

So, guys, we never have to cry again.  Everybody lives, Rose, everybody lives!  That’s what’s so dangerous and illogical about Endgame and time travel in my opinion.

Yeah, I know that was a novel, but there’s probably actually more I’ve forgotten which is ridiculous.  Kudos if you actually read that.

[beanjuice-duh]

Staying in 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕚𝕤

a/n: m o o d. Song prompt, lyrics by Paris (The Chainsmokers) summary: Thomas has been putting off his trip with Martha. Now before its too late, he’s taking her to paradise. warning: death implied/death mentioned, angst, sad ending w/c: 2430

No one usually paid any mind how things end. Usually they remember how it all began. String music plucked from a harp played throughout a small, colorful studio-apartment. The walls were teal and the decor was off white, closer to cream, prints and fresh details of floral prints. The music was light and airy; the sound was the texture of chiffon sheets drying on a clothes line in the middle of a breezy spring day. The woman who played it was the embodiment of spring, dewy eyed, rosy cheeked. Spring meant hope and new beginnings. Thomas found all of that with his new fiancée Martha Wayles. A country girl too perfect that his own family would have assumed she was picked right for him if they didn’t find her career choice frivolous. A music major and a law student one year away from achieving his law degree sooner than his rivaled older sister. “Martha…” Thomas looked up from her love seat that sat in front of her full size bed. She was only a few feet from him with a large propped by the open window. He shook his head and went back to his work, typing away when another loud chord from her harp vibrated in his head. “Martha, I’m trying to work.”

“That’s all you do, work, work, work…” She sang, plucking a chord repeatedly emphasizing every ‘work’. “Why don’t you pick up your violin and play for Me.” “Later, I have to finish this first.” He motioned to his laptop then went back to his screen. “Later, just like you pushed our trip to Paris to a ‘later’ date. And our wedding, and our next visit to your family…Thomas you can stop your work, it won’t go anywhere but I might.” She pouted so delicately but Thomas didn’t look up to see it. “You should have purposed to your laptop.” “Martha wouldn’t you rather marry Thomas Jefferson the lawyer or Thomas Jefferson the almost-lawyer-but-got-sidetracked-and-his-family-won’t-let-him-live-it-down?” He argued, his long fingers tacking away at the keys. She abandoned the harp and danced towards him in little, lithe like steps “I would like to just marry Thomas Jefferson that would be a sound start. I want to go to Paris, Thomas. You’ve been there twice before, I want to go there with you…” “And we will, on our honeymoon after we’re married.” Martha groaned at his response, she scampered away towards the bathroom with a small, aggravated huff. Thomas glanced up watching her retreating frame with a small smile, and then turned back to his work. Martha was a delight, like him, she didn’t’ fit many of the southern tropes. She was an artistic and independent girl with more wit than most men her age. She could spit fire as fast as she could put it out. Much more outspoken that Thomas…much more free and liberal too. Thomas grew up closed off and closed minded behind white picket fences and silver spoons, Martha was a poor country girl who runaway to New York seeking a classical music career. Uncertainty was her flavor and it was a taste Thomas adored. Thomas finished most of his rough draft for his term paper when he heard something crash in the bathroom. Something of glass or ceramic shattered, and then a hard, deep thud followed. “Martha?” Thomas shot up; he closed his computer forgoing any progress he left unsaved. Faced with endings, Thomas had a bad habit of never finishing a book promptly. He hated endings, hated finishing, after every book or song he was left with ‘what now’ before taking on something else. He rather leave a book unfinished with only a page to go and start again from the beginning. Some people say experiences could never be felt the same way twice. Thomas liked to prove them wrong. He came to the last page in Feast of the Goat by Mario Vargas-LLosa and decided he wanted to start again. He was shirtless, sprawled on top of Martha’s bed, his eyes flickering between the book in one hand and the clock. He watched the time behind several pill bottles with blinding red, warning labels. It had been weeks since her fall, but neither of them had hit ground bottom…yet. “Martha are you coming to bed?” Thomas called, eyeing the bathroom, the light still on. He didn’t want for her to answer, he was trained to get up immediately now. He passed the forgotten harp by the window and leaned against the door. His small, fiancé glaring at her reflection, a fist full of thin, whispy dark hair strands, “bed?” “I should shave it all off…I’m shedding like a damn cat…” She spoke, her lips pressed into a thin, white chapped line. “I will shave it off” she yanked open a drawer with so much confidence she almost seemed giddy about the whole thing. Then again, what other choice did she have than to be giddy? Life wasn’t giving her any room to cry over the loss of one of many things Thomas admired about her. “I’ll do the same.” Thomas reached for the buzz and felt a hand grip at his large one. Her grip was so weak, he could have easily slid out of it. He wanted to hold her hand but feared any movement might break something, her fingers trembled. “Thomas Jefferson don’t you dare.” She hissed, Martha was clearly offended by what Thomas was still unsure. “Don’t turn into those men who want to walk down this road with me. This is what I want and I won’t let you touch a damn curl on your head. Ya hear me, Mr. Jefferson, not a damn one.” She huffed taking the hair clipper away from him. “Any rate if anyone should keep their hair is you, you have gorgeous air and it hides those big ears of yours.” “Ha-Ha you’re lucky you have a cute head.” Thomas crossed his arms and looked her over again, and again, memorizing the changes in her, finding what still remained of the Martha he knew. Time was not on their side. “I was thinking…about that trip to Paris…” “Yes..” she looked at him while she clipped down her hair to the scalp. They had so little time… “Let’s go. Tomorrow, first flight out.” “Thomas it’s the middle of your semester…you …we can’t just run away like that. I don’t even know if the doctors will let me, they’ve advised I –“ She squeaked as Thomas pulled her into his arms and held her tight. Her shrunken body slowly curled inward towards his body heat. “Who cares? We’ll go to France, get married with Angelica and Lafayette as our witness, live stream it for family and friends…have the honeymoon Paris.” 

‘If we go down, then we go down together. They’ll say you could do anything, they’ll say I was clever’

She was out on the terrace while Thomas was sprawled on a small, wooden canopy bed. She was in nothing but a bra and his boxers, cigarette hanging out her mouth while she skimmed through her phone. She looked so proud. Thomas couldn’t think of a more beautiful pose, his woman, leaned over the iron railing over the busy Parisian streets. The sun hitting from high above, casting deep shadows down her hollowed out back, the peaks and valleys of her now protruding shoulder blades contrasting the shine of the sun off her delicate bald head was a masterpiece in his eyes. Thomas hoisted himself off the bed and picked up a violin sitting in the corner of the room and began to play a long, whiny note stealing Martha’s attention. “Your parents are livid with you, Jane included. Have you read the comments?” She bit her lip with a mischief. “They’ve started saying you’ve abandoned them for ‘that girl’. Ha, I’m ‘that’ girl now? Not your soon to be wife.” She mused, knowing in under 24 hours, she would be Mrs. Martha Wayles Jefferson. The first and only. Thomas didn’t answer. He had long avoided the calls the moment he withdrew from his classes and took off to France. It was only a few days but he already felt like they were running for a lifetime. Tomorrow couldn’t come sooner, midday he’d be married in the most beautiful city to the most amazing woman. He didn’t stop playing until a deep, moist, glottal cough erupted from Martha’s throat. Within seconds he tossed the instrument to the bed and went to Martha plucking her cig out of her hand and tossed it down to the street below. “Enough of that.” He kissed her bare temple, feeling the soft throb of a pulse under his lips. “You need to eat and take your medication…” “No.” Martha rolled her eyes, “the pills are going to make me feel off, I’m not going to feel like shit on our wedding day.” Her excuse was only half truth, because the other half neither of them wanted to face. The medications did nothing but make her feel more ill. They were placebos for hope but Thomas and Martha were know in on the big secret. “I’m not hungry” she breathed, leaning into Thomas, a bit too much so. She slumped against him, her body losing control of her weight for the moment. “Just…tired.” “Then lets relax” he whisked her off her feet into a bridal styled lift. “I’ll carry you just like this when we’re heading down to get married.” “Show off” Martha wrinkled her nose. She laid in bed with Thomas for hours, their hands intertwined for some time. Other times, Martha would ask him to play for her. The music distracted them both from her growing slumber and worsening coughs. Martha began rambling, nonsense that worried Thomas at first. She wanted them to put on their wedding outfits and lay in bed; she said she wanted to practice. She begged to wear the garments because she wanted to ‘feel’ them now.  Once Thomas had dressed her in the thin white dress that hung at a tea length he kissed the back of her head and smiled. “Do you remember how we first met?” Thomas arched an eyebrow, eyeing the back of her skull for some time. “How can I? You were sitting outside the New York Public Library in June, about…two years ago.” “I was sitting just like this” She plopped on the bed, crossing one bony leg over the other. Martha reached into her travel bag and pulled out a book. “With this very book. Like this” She held it up to her nose, the sticker of the library still on the spine of the novel like it was yesterday. “You never returned that book?” He placed a hand over his mouth and choked back hysterical giggles. “Martha what the hell?” “I couldn’t! I told myself I met the man of my dreams this book was lucky! Plus…I love Isben’s work…you recited my favorite lines to me on our first date…” She giggled, “Oh can you still marry me knowing I probably have an outstanding fine with the library…” She muttered softly, tears forming at the edge of her eyes. “Could…you still marry me…knowing I come at such an outstanding price…” Money wasn’t the problem, not for Thomas and not now. “I’d marry you, over and over, and over again in every lifetime…” He whispered kneeling down by her legs. “and tomorrow when I marry you, I plan on reciting those same lines. To the only Mrs. Jefferson I’ll never know.” “Promise.” “I do.” Thomas kissed her knee and rested his face into her thinning thighs. Suddenly Martha fell back onto the bed, arms out with a groan. “Martha?!” He stood and hovered over her only to see her blasted, toothy smile. “Fuck…Martha don’t do that!” “Hehe…” She giggled with her eyes closed. “Read me Peer Gynt…” “Its one in the morning, Martha. You’re in your wedding dress, I’m reciting the lines to you as vows. You can wait until the morning, whats the use of surprising you.” “…I want to hear it now, front to back…” “Are you going to even stay up for all five acts?” Thomas challenged, Martha nodded her head slowly though her eyes were shut. Thomas gave in. He positioned himself on the bed, sitting up against the headboard with his soon to be wife snuggled on his chest. He pulled the book up to his face and began to read the play, each part, each line for five acts. Martha listened to his heart, his breathing, and his voice all at once, her fingers drawing designs on his dress shirt for his suit tomorrow. With a soft and tired yawn he breathed the last words by Solveig in unison with Martha who was still, to his shock, awake. “In my faith, in my hope, in my love.” He paused allowing Martha to finish. She read out more lines that was left, not needing to open her eyes to read them from the book she had it all memorized in her head. She whispered in a  strained voice, fighting back violent coughs, “Peer, we shall meet at the last crossroads, and then we shall see if…” she swallowed hard, “I’ll say no more…” Thomas smiled, letting the book fall from his grasp he couldn’t’ fight the sleep. Tomorrow, soon, Martha and he would be married. Lafayette as witness, Angelica marrying them, soon, so soon that rose gold band in his jacket pocket would fit on that finger and never be moved again. In the morning, Thomas refused to think of the end. He refused to move as Martha’s post mortem grip held him so tight. Up to the last breath, god knows when last night while he slept, she clung to Thomas. No doubt putting up a fight, using him as the anchor until the morning. No more coughs, no more pictures by the terrace or talks about their honeymoon plans in Brittney. No more whispers of their favorite lines from romance plays and books, or recounts of their musical and lyrical lines from their dating past. No more plucks from the harp that yearned for Thomas’s violin accompaniment. Thomas sat there; the warmth still retained in her and banished the thoughts of end with each tear. He thought of how it all started, the parts in between he could have changed. And thought, ‘what now?’ as he sat there with one last page to his tragic love life. One page away with no closure in sight. 

‘We were staying in Paris—‘ 

[bioniiic]

all of the asks

1: Full nameidk man. not too fond w putting my full name on the tumbsz but wassup im sam2: Age163: 3 Fearsflyingthe darkmen4: 3 things I lovemy gfmy friendsmy DOG5: 4 turns on good smellgood,,asshumorgirl6: 4 turns offBAD SMELLTHATS IT ALSO MEN7: My best friendhek sarah and josefine. also lys8: Sexual orientationpansexual ???? idk mostly i just like girls 9: My best first datedo nothing. eat and watch shows and nap10: How tall am I6'4 i know11: What do I misshek :/(12: What time were I born12:15 am I was almost a march 9th kiddo13: Favourite coloryello 14: Do I have a crushyes my gf my love 15: Favourite quotedie16: Favourite placecopenhagen and paris. both very different cities and equally important 2 me17: Favourite foodTARTLET 18: Do I use sarcasmall. the time 19: What am I listening to right nowthis old dog by mac demarco ok20: First thing I notice in new personidk if theyre funny i think21: Shoe size 7 !!! small22: Eye colorone is green n one is brown 23: Hair colorcurrently very black 24: Favourite style of clothingblack jeans and some sort of fuckin hoodie im boring 25: Ever done a prank call?i used to do them all the time w my friends in the choir HDKVNSMCN yes i was in a choir but only for the cake 27: Meaning behind my URLidk its a placebo song fskkcsjskdks28: Favourite moviemr nobody leave me alone 29: Favourite songSCSRED OF GIRLS BY PLACEBO FUCK ME30: Favourite bandPLACEBOSJDKSKKD31: How I feel right nowim tired and i want lys to wake up 32: Someone I lovelys my beeeeb33: My current relationship statusim dating my BEAUTIFUL angel gf 34: My relationship with my parentshmmmm. below average 35: Favourite holidayCHRISTMAS 36: Tattoos and piercing i havenoone 37: Tattoos and piercing i wanti want a septum piercing and all the tattoos38: The reason I joined Tumblri had a crush on a girl and i was obsessed with her and she had tumblr so i got tumblr and only reblogged things she liked and she never noticed me JDKSJDJSK39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?NO we just don't talk 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?lys41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?its lys i wish i had :-(42: When did I last hold hands?it was with josefines girlfriend while she was tweezing her eyebrows and she needed to hold my hand for support 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?like. 5 seconds 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?HAHAHA NO45: Where am I right now?in my bed 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?idk i dont drink that much but probably josefine47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?reasonable in like. headphones but anywhere else it's LOUD48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?no. well like. every 2 weeks i shift between them #divorce am i right ladiez 49: Am I excited for anything?summer 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?my DOG 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?a lot ha ha ha 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?my adult friend yesterday JSJSJK53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?the last person i kissed was my friend ,,,and she has a gf so id probably say can yall like do that somewhere else JDJAHSH54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?no i only trust a few very good people 55: What is something I disliked about today?i just woke up. also that56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?lys :-(57: What do I think about most?lys LoL 58: What’s my strangest talent?idk ???? 59: Do I have any strange phobias?PUKE60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind 61: What was the last lie I told?"im gonna wake up soon" lol62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?video 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?both are real and valid 64: Do I believe in magic?no hoe65: Do I believe in luck?no. hoe66: What’s the weather like right now?grey67: What was the last book I’ve read?sushi for beginners haha68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?nnO69: Do I have any nicknames?sammy but only lys gets to call me that also hek calls me sami I do not know why 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?i broke my tailbone once that was pretty bad71: Do I spend money or save it?SAVE IT IM SO BAD AT SOENDING MONEY72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?noooooo ma'am 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?a marker 74: Favourite animal?dogggggggGGGGG75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?talking to lys but then she disappeared for 3 hours and im mad76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?roberts77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?you had me at hello GAYYSYYAYSY78: How can you win my heart?be lys. also food 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?gay 80: What is my favorite word?gay81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrgay82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?gay83: Do I have any relatives in jail?i dont think so ???84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?FLYING. TELEPORTING 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?idk mannn86: What is my current desktop picture?the default one cause im lazy and its a school computer 87: Had sex?NOO 88: Bought condoms?no 89: Gotten pregnant?no90: Failed a class?noooOoo maam 91: Kissed a boy?nooooOOOO MAAM 92: Kissed a girl?yes,93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?no94: Had job?nonoooo MAAM 95: Left the house without my wallet?yes96: Bullied someone on the internet?HAHHAHAA97: Had sex in public?no98: Played on a sports team?yes but like. not really 99: Smoked weed?NOO MAAM 100: Did drugs?no101: Smoked cigarettes?noooo102: Drank alcohol?yes 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?fuck NO104: Been overweight?yes105: Been underweight?no 106: Been to a wedding?yes 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?LOL108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?LOL109: Been outside my home country?yes 110: Gotten my heart broken?yes oopsie111: Been to a professional sports game?yes but at half time me and my dad left and got mcdonalds and then we went home112: Broken a bone? yes 113: Cut myself?no more 114: Been to prom?no im foreign 115: Been in airplane?yes116: Fly by helicopter?i haven't but i NEVER WILL. NEVER 117: What concerts have I been to?one direction, the 1975, gerard way, the front bottoms and twenty one pilots 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?yes. exclusively 119: Learned another language?yes120: Wore make up?yes no h0mo bro121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?no122: Had oral sex?nnnno123: Dyed my hair?yes its dead now 124: Voted in a presidential election?noooo maam im still foreign 125: Rode in an ambulance?no126: Had a surgery?im so boring ive never tried anything 127: Met someone famous?no i was rlly close to meeting bry after twenty one pilots once but NAH128: Stalked someone on a social network?always129: Peed outside?mo 130: Been fishing?fuck no 131: Helped with charity?yes132: Been rejected by a crush?well. kinda133: Broken a mirror?no134: What do I want for birthday?idk i just had my birthday man 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?IF. I HAD A KID. IF. it would be a girl and her name would be leah 136: Was I named after anyone?no137: Do I like my handwriting?fuck no its so bad138: What was my favourite toy as a child?probably that doll that pisses by itself. u know what im talking about 139: Favourite Tv Show?idk oh fuck probably new girl 140: Where do I want to live when older?copenhagen or the us for a bit 141: Play any musical instrument?guitar ukulele and bass cause im basic142: One of my scars, how did I get it?my dog scratches me a lot 143: Favourite pizza toping?ham. cheese144: Am I afraid of the dark?y e s 145: Am I afraid of heights?Y E S146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?yes but i wasn't sneaking out really,,147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?every day hoe !148: What I’m really bad atlife 149: What my greatest achievments arefuck idk150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to methat i was a trump supporter. u know who u are 151: What I’d do if I won in a lotterylive on a bigass farm and have all the animals 152: What do I like about myselfmy eyes ?? my cheekbones 153: My closest Tumblr friendnone i hate yall 154: Something I fantasise about😉😉😉😉😉😉

[illumi-nnaughtyy]

1-155 ahahahah

I'm petty asf so here ya go 😂 1: Name- Bailey 2: Age- 17 (almost 18)3: Fears- lol everyone y'all 4: 3 things I love- my dog, pasta, & Morgan 5: 4 turns on- kindness, intelligence, effort, & being funny 6: 4 turns off- not able to keep an interesting convo going, no sense of humor, treat waiting staff bad, and not being good w/ kids7: My best friend- MORGANNN8: Sexual orientation- just living my life homie 9: My best first date- never had one 🙃10: How tall am I- 5'1 (I'm small)11: What do I miss- Izzy💗12: What time were I born- idk I think like 12?13: Favourite color- blue or green14: Do I have a crush- a huge one send help15: Favourite quote- "Live Life For Bella"16: Favourite place- anyplace outdoors or anyplace with coffee 17: Favourite food- ANY AND ALL PASTA 😍18: Do I use sarcasm- lolololololol all the fucking time 19: What am I listening to right now- nothing, but I have headphones in which is weird 20: First thing I notice in new person- sense of humor 21: Shoe size- 6 1/222: Eye color- blue/green23: Hair color- blonde 24: Favourite style of clothing- tshirts I guess 25: Ever done a prank call? I was in middle school once so yep 26: Meaning behind my URL- I liked the song Wake me up by Avicii when I made my blog forever ago :/27: Favourite movie- not so many but atm probably The Proposal 28: Favourite song- too many to chose from 29: Favourite band- idk don't listen to a lot of bands 30: How I feel right now- happy 😊 31: Someone I love- My dog Jake 32: My current relationship status- single 33: My relationship with my parents- I'm really close w/ both although my mom & I argue a lot (about politics and religion mostly), but my dad is my fav human to ever exist 34: Favourite holiday- probably Valentine's Day or Christmas 35: Tattoos and piercing I have- my ears are pierced 36: Tattoos and piercings I want- so many tattoos omg 37: The reason I joined Tumblr- I thought it looked cool?38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I don't hate her bc I've let go of that negativity but she probs hates me but it's chill 39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? I have recently & it makes me heart smile bud 40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? That'd be Morgan so YEET no 41: When did I last hold hands? When my dad was driving me to take my Midterm & I was nervous so he held my hand 42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Like 20 minutes, u less I shower then like 40 minuets43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Yepppp 44: Where am I right now? Laying in bed 45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? Morgan probs 46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOUDDDD47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Mom48: Am I excited for anything? The future 49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? My dad 50: How often do I wear a fake smile? Anytime I'm at yee yee south Paulding high school 51: When was the last time I hugged someone? Honestly so long ago it's kinda sad52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? They would be an invisible person bc I haven't kissed anyone 53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Probably 54: What is something I disliked about today? Yes55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Hmmmm probs lexi or obama 56: What do I think about most? School tbh 57: What’s my strangest talent? My dedication 58: Do I have any strange phobias? I irrationally hate the dark bc I'm five 59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Both idc 60: What was the last lie I told? That I wasn't mad that my dad wasn't picking me up until tomorrow 61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Both is fine I prefer in person 62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Def ghosts but idk about aliens 63: Do I believe in magic? Nah64: Do I believe in luck? Ehhhh not really 65: What’s the weather like right now? Cold as hell66: What was the last book I’ve read? Medical Law, Ethics, and Bio Ethics 67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Kinda 68: Do I have any nicknames? Bai & Angel 69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Broke my arm & my knee 70: Do I spend money or save it? Both 71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Nope72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? My room walls 😅73: Favourite animal? My dog 74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Talking to lexi 75: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Trump 76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Brown eyed girl 77: How can you win my heart? Make an effort to remember the little things & make me laugh....also if you're good w/ kids 😍78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? "This bitch was lit asf"79: What is my favorite word? Content 80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr yeet too much work to do this 81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Why are we all so hateful?82: Do I have any relatives in jail? Yes83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? To know everything 84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Idk depends on who's asking 85: What is my current desktop picture? Trees 86: Had sex? Nope 87: Bought condoms? Yes (as a dare)88: Gotten pregnant? Nope 89: Failed a class? Nope 90: Kissed a boy? Nope 91: Kissed a girl? Nope92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Nope 93: Had job? Yes 94: Left the house without my wallet? All the fucking time ugh95: Bullied someone on the internet? No bc I'm not an asshole 96: Had sex in public? Nah 97: Played on a sports team? Yes 98: Smoked weed? No 99: Did drugs? No 100: Smoked cigarettes? No 101: Drank alcohol? Yes 102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No 103: Been overweight? No 104: Been underweight? Yes 105: Been to a wedding? Yes I love them so much 😍😍106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? I do online college so sadly yes 107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Lololol I'm trash so yes 108: Been outside my home country? Yes 109: Gotten my heart broken? Many times110: Been to a professional sports game? Yes111: Broken a bone? Yes112: Cut myself? .....113: Been to prom? Yes114: Been in airplane? Yes 115: Fly by helicopter? No116: What concerts have I been to? 4 Taylor Swift, 1 Carrie Underwood, & 1 one more that I can't think of 117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Lololol so many times 118: Learned another language? Like 2 years of hs Spanish 119: Wore make up? I'm an ugly toe so yes 120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Nope 121: Had oral sex? Nope 122: Dyed my hair? Yes 123: Voted in a presidential election? Nope 124: Rode in an ambulance? Nope 125: Had a surgery? Yes 126: Met someone famous? Yes 127: Stalked someone on a social network? All the fucking time 128: Peed outside? Yes 129: Been fishing? I live in Georgia so what do u think?130: Helped with charity? Yes 131: Been rejected by a crush? Lol all of them132: Broken a mirror? Sadly 133: What do I want for birthday? Money 134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? Idk maybe 2 or 3? And I want to name them Dani, Andi, or Amelia 135: Was I named after anyone? Some bitch from my mom fav tv show 136: Do I like my handwriting? Noooo it's horrid 137: What was my favourite toy as a child? A Mickey Mouse teddy bear 138: Favourite Tv Show? Soooo many but atm scandal 139: Where do I want to live when older? Idk just not in Georgia 140: Play any musical instrument? The recorder that I learned in 4th grade 141: One of my scars, how did I get it? I have one on my knee from falling off of my bike & breaking my knee cap 142: Favourite pizza toping? Mushrooms bc I'm trash143: Am I afraid of the dark? Yes 144: Am I afraid of heights? Very 145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Nope 146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Everyday fam 147: What I’m really bad at? Telling ppl how I feel 148: What my greatest achievments are? My academics for sure 149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me? Prefer not to say 150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery? Pay for college 151: What do I like about myself? Not gonna lie I've got some A+ boobs 152: My closest Tumblr friend? Hmmm idk 153: Something I fantasise about? Moving out of my house & being independent 154: Any thoughts on the paranormal? That it's scary as fuck 155: Free question: Any question you’d like to ask, be it rude, fun, curious, strange, sexual, random, meme related, etc! Lol one wasn't asked

[wellimhavinga3outof10day]

All right, so @thislifeisawasteland tagged me to answer a bunch of questions that are actually an ask meme, but w/e. (There are kind of Riverdale spoilers in this post? I’m bitter, sue me.) Here we go:

Full name: I’m not really gonna tell you that, so settle for Jessica

Zodiac sign: Taurus

3 Fears: Death, spiders... that I’ll never fall in love?

3 things I love: Chocolate, green tea, & my laptop

4 turns ons: Humour, kindness, bad pick-up lines, goofy smiles

4 turns offs: Racism, homophobia, an annoying voice, a terrible smell in general?

My best friend: Like all of them

Sexual orientation: Bi

My best first date: I’ve only had one first date, so walking around the mall

How tall am I: 5'8"

What do I miss: My friends, knowing Jughead was safe and happy smh

What time was I born: 9:04 a.m.

Favourite colour: Red

Do I have a crush: Not unless we’re counting fictional characters

Favourite quote: *gross sobbing* “It’s like my home.” Nah, I’m kidding, I don’t really have a fave quote

Favourite place: My library

Favourite food: Chocolate

Do I use sarcasm: No, never...

What am I listening to right now: "Leave” by Jojo (lmao, idk why)

First thing I notice in new person: Their hair, tbh

Shoe size: 6 1/2 (yes, I have tiny fucking feet)

Eye colour: Blue

Hair colour: Brown/blonde

Favourite style of clothing: Casual, comfy

Ever done a prank call? Yes and omg worst experience of my life, almost had a panic attack, never again

What colour of underwear I’m wearing now? Pink

Meaning behind my URL: It’s a line from White Collar

Favourite movie: He’s Just Not That Into You (it’s on Netflix now, I’m so excited!!), also Pretty in Pink

Favourite song: Atm, “Prom Queen” by Molly Kate Kestner

Favourite band: ??? idk man

How I feel right now: Pretty good

Someone I love: Jughead Jones (honestly, fight me)

My current relationship status: Single af

My relationship with my parents: It’s good

Favourite holiday: Christmas

Tattoos and piercings? My ears are pierced and I have no tattoos

Tattoos and piercing i want: I kinda want a sternum piercing, and a rose vine tattoo up my side

The reason I joined Tumblr: I was filling out my social media quota before I went to uni

Do I and my last ex hate each other? Well, I didn’t think so but then she made me answer all these questions, so? It’s up in the air ;)

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts? Nah, never (unless you count my mom checking to see if I’m awake when I’m home alone)

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Nope

When did I last hold hands? ...? Fairly recently probably, I hold my mom’s hand all the time.

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes, maybe?

Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? Nope

Where am I right now? At my desk

If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? N/A, never been that drunk

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable (pretty quiet actually if you ask other people)

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Yup

Am I excited for anything? Jughead to be loved and cared for and warm and safe, for the love of god.

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? All right, well “can” and “would” are different words, so technically yes, but I wouldn’t?

How often do I wear a fake smile? Rarely

When was the last time I hugged someone? Last night?

What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Eh, might bug me a little, but you go girl. (I mean, as long as it’s not an old man.)

Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? I don’t think so?

What is something I disliked about today? Today just started, buddy. Umm... for some reason my hands are really sweaty? I hate that?

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Atm, the cast of Riverdale, but that’ll change in like a month if not a day.

What do I think about most? Probably w/e I’m writing atm.

What’s my strangest talent? ...? I don’t have very minute talents, idk what to tell you. I’m very talented at drinking too much green tea and procrastinating things I actually want to do.

Do I have any strange phobias? Mustard

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind, probs.

What was the last lie I told? ...? I lie a lot, idk. I probs lied on here. Kidding, don’t think I have. Umm... I honeslty have no idea. It’s anyone’s guess.

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Both are horrible and probably the worst forms of communication, but I’m gonna go with the phone b/c I have an unnecessary grudge against Skype.

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Maybe? and yes.

Do I believe in magic? Little magic, sure.

Do I believe in luck? To an extent.

What’s the weather like right now? Sunny, average temp

What was the last book I’ve read? I’m in the middle of Crooked Kingdom right now, but the last book I finished was I’ll Give You The Sun

Do I like the smell of gasoline? Yes

Do I have any nicknames? Yes: Jess, Jessie

What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I broke my wrist by getting knocked down a hill and landing on concrete.

Do I spend money or save it? Save it.

Can I touch my nose with a tongue? Nope

Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Yeah, more things than I expected too, tbh.

Favourite animal? Pigs

What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Talking to Rachael on Tumblr/watching Misfits

What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Claus (yes, I know it said Satan not Santa, but it’s a conspiracy)

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? I Don’t Wanna Be Sad by Simple Plan

How can you win my heart? Be nice and funny and care about me (honestly giving a shit about me is really all I need, my standards are fucking low as shit)

What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Idk but something kind of weird and maybe a quote I like?

What is my favourite word: Feral

My top 5 blogs on tumblr: Ugh, I don’t want to do this.

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? “I love you, take care of yourselves.”

Do I have any relatives in jail? I don’t think so...

I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Flight

What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Umm... lots of things, I’m sure.

What is my current desktop picture? It’s a city that Natasha made for a class and it’s super pretty and green.

Had sex? Nope

Bought condoms? Yes, actually

Gotten pregnant? Nope

Failed a class? Nope

Kissed a boy? Nope

Kissed a girl? Yup

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Nope

Had a job? Yes

Left the house without my wallet? All the time

Bullied someone on the internet? I don’t think so, I hope not

Had sex in public? Nope

Played on a sports team? Yes

Smoked weed? No

Did drugs? No

Smoked cigarettes? No

Drank alcohol? Yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No

Been overweight? No

Been underweight? No

Been to a wedding? Yes

Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

Been outside my home country? Yes

Gotten my heart broken? Eh, probably not

Been to a professional sports game? Yes

Broken a bone? Yes

Cut myself? No

Been to prom? Graduation in Canada, but yes

Been in airplane? Yes

Fly by helicopter? No

What concerts have I been to? So I went to like three in a row a few years ago: One Direction, Marianas Trench and... shit, I thought there were three... it might have been two... oh! Shawn Mendes! (And I’m listening to him right now and I forgot that, lmao)

Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Yes

Learned another language? Kinda

Wore make up? Nope

Lost my virginity before I was 18? Nope

Had oral sex? Nope

Dyed my hair? Yes

Voted in a presidential election? Federal election yes, I’m Canadian

Rode in an ambulance? Nope

Had a surgery? Nope

Met someone famous? Nope

Stalked someone on a social network? I don’t think so

Peed outside? Nope

Been fishing? I have.

Helped with charity? Nope

Been rejected by a crush? Yes

Broken a mirror? Nope

What do I want for my birthday? *laughs* Umm... not a clue. 

How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 4: Marcia, Whit, Eli, & Beth

Was I named after anyone? My middle name is my Oma’s middle name too, but my first name’s not from anywhere

Do I like my handwriting? I used to b/c it was literally flawless when I was younger, but now it’s like a mess, so no.

What was my favourite toy as a child? Should I even remember this? Barbies, probably.

Favourite Tv Show? Atm, Riverdale

Where do I want to live when older? Not a clue. Probably Toronto or Vancouver? Maybe somewhere in Europe. Who knows?

Play any musical instrument? I used to play guitar but I probably can’t remember any of it.

One of my scars, how did I get it? Idk if I have any scars, man. There’s like kind of a scar by my elbow? But how I got it is a mystery.

Favourite pizza toping? Green peppers

Am I afraid of the dark? Nope

Am I afraid of heights? Nope

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? No, I don’t think so. (I once was caught squirting water in a guy’s face? But he kind of deserved it.)

Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? I don’t think so...?

What I’m really bad at: Figuring out my life

What my greatest achievements are: I once predicted the end of a book, does that count? And my highest post here is almost at five thousand notes?

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: "I love you, but sometimes I just don’t like you.” (Honestly, I deserved it, but it was savage af.)

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: Buy a house, buy a lot of fandom merch, invest a bunch... 

What do I like about myself: I’m pretty laidback, I know what I want for the most part, and I try to be a good person.

My closest Tumblr friend: Not this again.

Something I fantasise about my ex: (lmao my first instinct was to put “dying” and that’s not true, my babe, I’m sorry) Honestly? Just having sex, like nothing fancy.

[juniorformulamotorsport]

January/February 2020 – The Great British Chefs Cookbook Club

As if I don’t have enough to do, I’ve recently allowed myself to be sucked into a rather fun group on Facebook (I know, I know…), the Great British Chefs Cookbook Club. The idea of this is that every month a cookbook by a British chef is chosen as the book of the month, then everyone who wants to buys/borrows a copy and sets about cooking whatever takes their fancy from the book, before posting about the recipe, usually with photos.

There have now (not including March 2020) been 24 books, but I only started to join in in January this year, so I have no opinions on 22 of them as yet. There is a throwback Thursday where you can cook from/post about previous books, but I’m not going to buy them just for that, and I may well not buy every book on the grounds that a) I have more than enough cookbooks, and b) I’m not a baker! The books so far that I have not even touched on are:

Hong Kong Diner – Jeremy Pang

New Classics – Marcus Wareing

Planted – Chantelle Nicholson

Little Viet Kitchen – Pham Thuy Diem

Eating Well Everyday – Peter Gordon

Happy Food – Bettina Campolucci Bordi

Great British Chefs Cookbook

Simple – Yotam Ottolenghi

80 Cakes From Around the World – Claire Clark

Scandinavian Baking – Trine Hahnemann

Andina – Martin Morales

Asma’s Indian Kitchen – Asma Khan

Crumb – Richard Bertinet

Casablanca – Nargisse Benkabbou

Bazaar – Sabrina Ghayour

Moorish – Ben Tish

Island Kitchen – Selina Periampillai

Charred – Genevieve Taylor

Mandalay – MiMi Aye

Salt & Time – Alissa Timoshkina

The Book of St John – Fergus Henderson and Trevor Gulliver

Adventures with Chocolate – Paul A Young

The two I have used are Wok On by Ching-He Huang, and Fire Islands by Eleanor Ford. So how did that go? Well, it was a somewhat mixed bag, it’s fair to say.

I’ll take “Wok On” first. It was a winner for the UK in the World Gourmand Cookbook Awards 2020 in the Easy Recipes category and does what it says on the tin. And what it says on the tin is: “Perfect for sautéing, braising, frying and steaming, cooking with a wok is a way of life all over Asia. In Wok On, bestselling author Ching-He Huang celebrates the huge versatility of this magical 2,000-year-old cooking pot with a modern collection of recipes that are simple enough for every day as well as every cook.

Featuring dishes from across Asia, including Taiwan, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Macau, almost every recipe can be made in 30 minutes or less and has been created with nutrition, taste and affordability in mind. Many are suitable for those with gluten and dairy allergies, and because Asian food typically includes lots of vegetables, many are also vegetarian or vegan too.”

So what did I make of it? On the plus side, it has some incredibly easy recipes that can be flung together in double quick time with minimal prep and one pan, usually a wok, but on the negative side, you may need to make quite drastic cuts to the amount of soy sauce used, unless that is you want to only be able to taste salt. It’s an award winning book and there are certainly some very appealing recipes in there that I have still to try, but I will be cautious about the seasoning after my initial experiences.

I discovered this issue with the first thing I tried to cook, which was Macanese Rice (with Portuguese Chouriço, Baby Scallops and Coriander). I went for that because, as some of you will know, I have a history with Macau going back to 2001, and the idea of this dish was too much to resist. I couldn’t get the correct chourico and had to settle for a Spanish chorizo instead, which I find to be slightly less intense and definitely less meaty than the Portuguese variety, but beggars can’t be choosers and out here in the sticks you sometime have to settle for what you can get. With the correct seasoning, it would have been very tasty indeed, but instead it left us in need of water, lots of water… I suggest reducing the amount of soy sauce used by half.

Another dish that suffered from too much soy was the Boozy Drunken Prawns, and again, it would probably have been fine with less soy.

By the third dish I’d decided the fault was either with the book or the brand of soy sauce I was using and not with me! As a result, the Chunky Black Pepper Honey Beef (which became venison because that was what I had to hand) was fabulous, because I only used half the soy sauce that the recipe suggested. The result had just the right amount of saltiness but you could also taste the other ingredients!

Chunky Black Pepper Honey Beef

Serves: 4 Time: 15 minutes preparation. 5 minutes cooking

Ingredients:

500g sirloin steak, cut into 5mm thick cubes

Pinch of salt

Pinch of cracked black pepper

1 tablespoon tamari or low sodium soy sauce (I recommend the low sodium variety use half the quantity)

Small handful of coriander leaves for garnish

For the stir fry:

1 tablespoon rapeseed oil

1 garlic clove, whole, peeled and crushed

2 large white onions, cut into 5mm chunks

1 tablespoon Shaoshing rice wine (or dry sherry)

2 red peppers, deseeded and cut into 5mm chunks

For the sauce:

100 mls cold chicken stock

1 tablespoon oyster sauce

1 tablespoon tamari or low sodium light soy sauce

1 teaspoon dark soy sauce

4 tablespoons runny honey

1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper

1 tablespoon cornflour

Method:

Put the beef in a bowl with the salt, black pepper and soy sauce and mix well.

Put all the ingredients for the sauce into a small jug or bowl and mix well.

Heat your wok over a high heat until smoking then add the rapeseed oil and swirl it around. Add the garlic and cook for a few seconds, then add the onions and stir fry them until they are translucent.

Add the beef and sear on one side for 20 seconds, then turn them over and cook to your liking (medium is probably best). Season with the rice wine or sherry.

Add the red peppers and toss for 30 seconds or until slightly softened.

Remove the beef, onions and peppers from the wok and set aside on a plate.

Add the sauce to the wok and cook it until it reduces and becomes sticky.

Return the beef, peppers and onions to the wok and toss it with the sauce.

Garnish with coriander and serve it with jasmine rice and Garlic Wok Tossed Baby Pak Choi.

Far more successful was the fabulous “Fire Islands”, which has a catch-all description of “recipes from Indonesia”, and which became an even better experience when it became clear that the author, Eleanor Ford, was happy to get involved and comment on what people had done, and how it had gone. She even agreed to a live Q&A session on Facebook where she proved most engaging. As a result I intend to lay hands on her other book, “Samarkand”, as well, especially as there is a plov recipe in it! As for “Fire Islands”, it’s already won two Gourmand World Cookbook Awards in 2020 (in the categories International and Spices), plus it won in its category (Food and Travel) in the Edward Stanford Travel Writing Awards for 2020 as I type this. I think those awards are thoroughly well deserved.

But first, the blurb: “Steep verdant rice terraces, ancient rainforest and fire-breathing volcanoes create the landscape of the world’s largest archipelago. Indonesia is a travellers’ paradise, with cuisine as vibrant and thrilling as its scenery. For these are the original spice islands, whose fertile volcanic soil grows ingredients that once changed the flavour of food across the world. On today’s noisy streets, chilli-spiked sambals are served with rich noodle broths, and salty peanut sauce sweetens chargrilled sate sticks. In homes, shared feasts of creamy coconut curries, stir-fries and spiced rice are fragrant with ginger, tamarind, lemongrass and lime. The air hangs with the tang of chilli and burnt sugar, citrus and spice. Eleanor Ford gives a personal, intimate portrait of a country and its cooking, the recipes exotic yet achievable, and the food brought to life by stunning photography.”

This time I got started early in the month, when I’d planned a few of the dishes for Sunday dinner (and the leftovers to be used up during the following week). An unexpected visitor meant it turned into a late-ish lunch instead. I had realised that I had all sorts of things that were suitable for use with these recipes, and thus we ended up with a veritable feast.

There was an excellent, tangy Sweet and Spicy Mushroom Tongseng, the luxuriously creamy Potato Tuturuga, a melting Sumatran Lamb Korma, with Golden Lace Pancakes, and portions of Spice Rice to mop it all up with. Our guest went back in for seconds of everything so I’m taking that as a vote of confidence! There certainly weren’t as many leftovers as I’d been counting on once we all slumped on the sofas to nurse our food babies. The only thing I didn’t succeed with were the pancakes, and that was because people were getting very hungry so I didn’t have time to mess about making them thin and lacy. I just needed to get food in front of them as soon as possible.

Sweet & Spicy Mushroom Tongseng

Serves: 4 Time: 20 minutes

Ingredients

2 lime leaves

1 lemongrass stick, trimmed and bruised

2 cm galangal, skin scrubbed, bruised

1 tablespoon oil

500 g (1 lb 2 oz) oyster mushrooms

3 tablespoons thick coconut milk

1 1/2 teaspoons dark palm sugar (gula jawa), shaved

2 teaspoons kecap manis

1 1/2 large red chillies, seeded and sliced

1 ripe tomato, cut in wedges

For the Bumbu spice paste:

1/2 teaspoon coriander seeds

4 peppercorns

1 small red Asian shallot, roughly chopped

2 garlic cloves, roughly chopped

1 candlenut or 2 blanched almonds

1 cm ginger, peeled

1 cm turmeric, peeled, or 1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric

Method:

Start by making the bumbu spice paste. For this small quantity I find this easiest to do with a pestle and mortar. Start with the coriander seeds and peppercorns, then add all the other ingredients and grind to a paste.

Put the bumbu in a large frying pan with the lime leaves, lemongrass and galangal. Drizzle in the oil and stir-fry until fragrant. Loosen the paste with a ladleful of water.

Add the mushrooms and turn to coat in the spices. Add the coconut milk, palm sugar and a good pinch of salt. Cook for 5–10 minutes. The mushrooms will release liquid as they fry. Towards the end of cooking, stir through the kecap manis, sliced chillies and tomato. Taste for seasoning.

Another night saw me tackle the equally delicious Javanese Sea Bream and Spinach, which became Monkfish, Water Chestnuts and Spinach because there was stuff which needed using up before I could even consider shopping for new ingredients. The Sweetcorn Rice went with it brilliantly and my version of Vegetable Urap with Dessicated Coconut was good too with all sorts of things (sausages, steak) as well as the fabulous fish dish. Again, I made changes to the recipe, and used yellow peppers and leeks in place of the edible fern tips or seasonal greens, the fine green beans and the beansprouts because that’s what I had to hand.

Vegetable Urap with Fresh Spiced Coconut

Serves: 2-4

Time: Varies according to your choice of vegetables!

Ingredients:

140 g (5 oz) edible fern tips or seasonal greens, roughly chopped

100 g (3. oz) fine green beans, cut in thirds

100 g (3. oz) beansprouts

1 tablespoon coconut oil

6 small red Asian shallots, sliced

4 garlic cloves, sliced

1 large red chilli, seeded and sliced

100 g (3. oz) grated fresh coconut or 80 g (1 cup) desiccated coconut

100 g (3. oz) cooked black-eyed beans (optional)

juice of a kaffir lime or lime

1 tablespoon crisp-fried shallots

Method:

Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil and add the fern tips and green beans. Cook for 2 minutes or until just tender. Add the beansprouts for the last 20 seconds of cooking. Drain and leave to cool. If you have used greens that retain a lot of water, gently squeeze them dry.

Set a wok or frying pan over a medium heat and add the coconut oil followed by the shallot and garlic. Cook, stirring frequently, until pale golden, then add the chilli and cook to just softened. Lower the heat and add the coconut along with a good pinch of salt. If using desiccated coconut, also add a splash of water to soften and help the flavours meld. Cook just for a minute, then remove from the heat and leave to cool.

Toss the vegetables and black-eyed beans (if using) with the spiced coconut and lime juice and taste for seasoning. Scatter over the crisp-fried shallots.

Food 2020 – The Great British Chefs Cookbook Club January/February 2020 - The Great British Chefs Cookbook Club As if I don't have enough to do, I've recently allowed myself to be sucked into a rather fun group on Facebook (I know, I know...), …

[sadgirlclxb]

1-154 hope you have a wonderful year love

Thanks boo, I’m really gonna try to make this year a good one 🖤Here we go! 1: Full nameSavannah Lacey Satterfield 2: Age213: 3 Fears-losing loved ones -being lied to-natural disasters 4: 3 things I love-my friends-my cat-black eyeshadow 5: 4 turns on-tall-good music taste-tattoos (not required, but a plus)-being genuine 6: 4 turns off-bad tattoos-bad sense of humor -no goals-rude to people that work in customer service 7: My best friendKwynn 8: Sexual orientationStraight 9: My best first dateGood question 10: How tall am I5’5” and a half 11: What do I missMy siblings 12: What time were I born8:01 am13: Favourite colorBlack 14: Do I have a crushI don’t even know anymore honestly 15: Favourite quote“This too shall pass”16: Favourite placeThe ocean or at a concert 17: Favourite foodPasta 18: Do I use sarcasm Allll the time 19: What am I listening to right nowNothing, it’s silent 20: First thing I notice in new personUsually hair or eyes 21: Shoe size8.522: Eye colorBrown 😒23: Hair colorBlack with two strips of blonde 24: Favourite style of clothingAs long as it’s black I’ll like it 25: Ever done a prank call?When I was like 13 probably 27: Meaning behind my URLI’m sad, join the club 28: Favourite movieI have a few 29: Favourite songI can never choose one 30: Favourite band^^31: How I feel right nowTired tbh32: Someone I love@mathurbator33: My current relationship statusSingle 34: My relationship with my parentsNoooope35: Favourite holidayHalloween 🎃 36: Tattoos and piercing i haveI have 9 tattoos, my septum and the right side of my lip pierced37: Tattoos and piercing i wantDon’t even get me started 38: The reason I joined TumblrI don’t remember tbh it was a long time ago 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?I hate him but for some reason he tries hitting me up all the fucking time lmao 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? No ☹️😞41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Nope 42: When did I last hold hands? A long time ago tbh 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? I take my time so like at least an hour 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Yes 45: Where am I right now?Bed 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?Probably Rhaina or Kwynn 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?Loud 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?I live w adopted dad 49: Am I excited for anything?Not at the moment 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?Kwynn 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?A lottttt 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?New Year’s Day I think?53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?That sounds messy54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?Probably 55: What is something I disliked about today?I woke up sick 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Either Davey Havok or Landon Tewers 57: What do I think about most?How much I hate myself lmao 58: What’s my strangest talent?Apparently I can pole dance when I’m drunk? Probably not well though 59: Do I have any strange phobias?Nothing out of the usual 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Usually behind it, I don’t photograph well61: What was the last lie I told?“Im good how are you”62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Depends on the person 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Yes & yes 64: Do I believe in magic?Yeah65: Do I believe in luck?Yeah66: What’s the weather like right now?It’s coldddd67: What was the last book I’ve read?Gooood question its been too long 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?Lowkey 69: Do I have any nicknames?Nah70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?I broke my collarbone like 6 years ago71: Do I spend money or save it?A little of both tbh 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?Nope73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?Nah74: Favourite animal?Cats or dogs tbh 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?Sleeping76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?🤷‍♀️77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?There’s a lot of those 78: How can you win my heart?Don’t be a fuckboy 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?I just want the bat emoji on it 80: What is my favorite word?Fuck81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrI’m really bad at remembering all the URL’s I’m sorry 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Everyone just be fucking nice to each other 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?No 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Mind reading 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?I don’t know tbh 86: What is my current desktop picture?It’s just a dumb one that my laptop came with 87: Had sex? Yeah88: Bought condoms?Yeah89: Gotten pregnant?Noo 90: Failed a class?Yeah91: Kissed a boy?Yes92: Kissed a girl?Also yes 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Yeah94: Had job? Yes95: Left the house without my wallet?Yes 🙄96: Bullied someone on the internet? Absolutely fucking not 97: Had sex in public?No 98: Played on a sports team?No 99: Smoked weed?Yes 100: Did drugs? Couple times 101: Smoked cigarettes?Currently do 102: Drank alcohol?Ohhhh yeah103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?No 104: Been overweight?Probably am105: Been underweight?I think so 106: Been to a wedding?Yeah107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?The sims ruled my life when I was a kid 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?Yeah109: Been outside my home country?No 110: Gotten my heart broken?Yeah111: Been to a professional sports game?No112: Broken a bone?Yes113: Cut myself?Yes 114: Been to prom?Yes115: Been in airplane?Yes116: Fly by helicopter?No117: What concerts have I been to?So fucking many 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?No119: Learned another language?Not really 120: Wore make up?Every day pretty much 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?YeH122: Had oral sex?Yeah123: Dyed my hair?Yeah124: Voted in a presidential election?Yes125: Rode in an ambulance?No126: Had a surgery?No 127: Met someone famous?Yes128: Stalked someone on a social network?Don’t we all 129: Peed outside?Yeah130: Been fishing?No131: Helped with charity?No132: Been rejected by a crush?Yeah133: Broken a mirror?Yes 134: What do I want for birthday?Just to be surrounded by my friends and alcohol 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? None136: Was I named after anyone? No137: Do I like my handwriting?It’s okay I guess 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?Barbies 139: Favourite Tv Show?I have a couple I like 140: Where do I want to live when older?Anywhere as long as I’m happy 141: Play any musical instrument?Nah142: One of my scars, how did I get it?One time I was trying to curl a girls hair and she was being a bitch and giving me anxiety so I was frantic and burnt the fuck out of my wrist 143: Favourite pizza toping?Veggies 144: Am I afraid of the dark?Eh145: Am I afraid of heights?Depends 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Yeah147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Pretty often 148: What I’m really bad atEverything 149: What my greatest achievments areGraduating college 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to meI can’t think of anything off the top of my head tbh 151: What I’d do if I won in a lotteryPay off debt 152: What do I like about myselfNothing really 153: My closest Tumblr friend@mathurbator154: Something I fantasise aboutBeing in love