#all of this is to say ive been waiting for this day for a long time now
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in light of tedtrent becoming so real, im also jumping on the tedtrent epilogue 😊
there's just no way ted wouldn't keep in touch with the others (and have weekly zoom meetings just like in the christmas special) and I just love the thought of the whole team having reunions once in a while.
and going back to trent's arc in s3, the sunflowers conversation, "And your daughter?" "She's never been happier." I think it could go the same for ted.. we've never really properly saw how henry felt about his dad being in london, it's always other people that told ted his son misses him, who's to say henry would rather see his dad happy because that in turn would make him happy too? he was there to win the whole thing, right? I just know ted’s story isn’t done yet when he still hasn’t learned to let others take care of him in return and who else to pair him with than the man who blew up his career because a man was nice to him (and also because they were so. so cruel for the fakeout tedbecca scenes for that finale) 🥺
I'm no writer so just pretend these are snapshots of a slow burn fic where ted visits london for their team reunion and slowly realizes that trent has a crush on him and they kiss about it 💛
#ted lasso#trent crimm#tedependent#ted lasso fanart#tedtrent#ted x trent#I HAVE SOOOOOO MUCH MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS BTW its just that its 4am rn and i cannot type down my thoughts for the life of me </3#im just so not over that ending and how weird it felt for ted to end his story like that.. not like he can turn back to michelle since#dr. jacob is right there.. i want this man to feel loved and cared for and actually have a place he knows he can call home and that was#richmond for me.. to the family we were born with. and to the family we make along the way etc etc etc#ted lasso spoilers#<- FORGOT ABOUT THAT.#i can finally say i loved the ending for all the callbacks and stuff but I NEED THIS MAN TO BE HELDDDD!!!!! *everything explodes around me*#he even went back there WITHOUT BEARD :( his bestfriend for sooo long who was there for all their ups and downs. i dont like beard and jane#being together but the fact ted didnt even go to their wedding too like ...??! what is going onnnn#also graying lasso is just something so indulgent for me . hush#pn.art#JUST YKNOW!!! I HOPE YALL UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING ITS REALLY REALLY LATE I PROBABLY SHOULDVE WAITED TILL LATER TO POST THIS BUT JAHJVAKDG#my memory is really bad too so i could also be misremembering scenes and im too eepy to check the scenes i had in mind so u_u#ALSO apologies that its taking me sooo long to draw things i recently joined a mc server and ive been playing it all day and night HFSJGFSH#im sooo scared of making these type of posts because i dont have the balls to make the wrong choices in other people's eyes but GRAAH!!!!!#<- i love tedtrent bUT WHAT IF PEOPLE THINK IM CRINGGGEEEE!!!!!#THATS ALL.... i have more drawings in mind that ill get around to later.. for now goodnight <3
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WIFI IS MINE ONCE AGAIN as i sit on a mattress on the floor
#it feels like ive been without it for so long...#it has been... three and a half days... i am Weak....#nah jk i wouldve been find without it for much longer#but boy howdy am i Glad to be able to use my dear beloved laptop again#i am In The New Place i am Beginning To Settle#tomorrow i begin unpacking my own stuff!!! exciting!!!#i cant wait to admire all of my Things!#ohhhh and i finally have a spot on the wall for my combo whiteboard/corkboard....#im still very stressed and i want to lay in a hole but!!#i am doing slightly better than a few days ago!#the weather has been nice... cool and rainy... i am not used to cool and rainy#its also cold and i am - unfortunately - a desert creature#suffice to say i am wearing hand warmers a hoodie and a blanket#absolutely unprompted#the place's last owner Didnt Fucking Clean though#so there have been many spiders. and cobwebs. and general Grime we will have to scrub#like seriously today i was dusting the ceiling. THE CEILING.#had to dust & vacuum the windowsills... gonna scrub my bathroom tomorrow...#theres a large tear in my bedroom carpet too...#ugh and the cabinets are Small so organizing all the spices and shit has been Rancid#stuff has to go out of place and you cant see it all and MY ORGANIZATIONAL SYSTEMS ARE CRUMBLING#sometimes it feels like my adhd and autism are fistfighting but during a move?#lockstep babeyyyy. they are Streamlined. lots of things and lots of sorting & placing and eeheehee#i have also killed most of the freakishly huge mosquitos in the house so! things are better!#that first night was Rough! its better now! this shell is becoming a House!
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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as someone who isnt super excited for sotm for certain reasons I am really glad that like. it's clear that since ruin theyve been setting up for carnival and sotm IS carnival. so now that carnival is finally coming out, afterwards theyll be moving on to other plotlines since the main villain stuff is sorted out
I'm just rlly happy to finally see a clear direction for how the story is gonna be playing out with like "okay these games were leading up to this so after this will be open possibilites" instead of like. absolutely no info about each upcoming game and being left guessing before it releases and just having to wait and see what's in it and if anything you're looking forward to will be in it
it feels like they have a plan and a solid direction for what they're trying to do and after carnival releases thatll be all that buildup coming to fruition. & we already know from the Scott interview that theres another release 'beyond sotm' that's 'super exciting' so maybe thatll be focusing on another big currently untouched (which is basically all of them) plotline, or even the big campaign game that dawko has been calling security breach 2
#even if i dislike how theyve been handling this whole mimic cassies dad factory mapbot bonnie bully stuff#the past like 2 releases 3 after sotm#after watching johns theory video it really does feel like stuff was more purposeful with thought put into it when u plug in cassies dad#even if the plot of him being behind mxes and trapping mimic is pushing other more important characters aside#its probably what happened and accepting that makes the story at least seem more thought out#it did make me feel better about it bc like. it at least feels like theyre cooking#like what theyre working on DOES have a direction and a plan and it isnt just random stuff like how it felt when hw2 came out#i might still think that the stuff theyve been doing the past few releases is boring af and uninteresting#compared to earlier concepts like focusing on vanny and the possession aspects and sentient glamrocks#(we could see more of it with freddy if theyd let him come back ever)#but like. at least it has thought put into it and feels like theyre actually trying to set shit up for something#like sotm is an ORIGIN#the tagline was 'sometimes you have to understand the past to see the future'#at the end of the day sotm is a setup for a campaign thatll take place in present day anf#even if its taking ten thousand years to get there im excited for it#aka its taken a long time to tell this story setup of cassies dad and mimic and shit and it might be boring for some people#(me)#but at the end of the day its meant to be setup explaining the past of why mimic exists (even if that's already in tbe books)#so after we 'understand' it we can get back to present day#and focus on its current victims vanessa gregory cassie etc#cassies dad is 100% dead if hw2s protag is him so he woukdnt be relevant anymore. just another character thing to serve cassie#im just saying like after sotm its wide open for getting back to the plot#and i think its actually right to say that bc like all of this has been setup. if hw2 protag is cassies dad its a prequel to ruin#so rn ruin is the most recent game in the timeline. meaning the next game that takes place in current tjme will focus on the current mains#Gregory cassie vanessa#sorry for fnaf plot posting again ive been thinking about it a lot the past few days#thought id balance some negative ive posted with a positive since im feeling better about it myself :)#one day we're gonna be so back and its gonna be great#its just gonna be a long annoying wait lmao#thoughts
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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#personal#i think that like... the dam's broken. for lack of a better term#or i guess the ice ???? idk man#either way. been messaging back n forth with him like crazy for the past few days#i just decided that like.... whatever. if i feel like saying something i should just say it to him !!!#and i think me being open has led to him being open....#god its so hard when both ppl only really talk when they have something to say JFJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJJD#like... i cant even make up a reason to talk to him. i cant pretend to be dumb n not understand anything. he'll know its bullshit NDJDJDJDN#n e way...... defs met my match here lmao. but really its been so nice just being able to talk to him when i want. bc waiting until being i#person was getting so !!@@@ long !!! like god. i didnt know i could miss someone so bad...... its so !!@@@@@@#gah !!!!!!!!!!!!#n e way. things are goin in the right direction#and hahaha !!!!!!@ i have a game plan to make sure we stay in touch too !!!!! me n one of my other friends promised to keep in touch with#each other and i was like oh should we invite everyone else. and she was like oh !! maybe ____ so i was like !!!!!!!!#so true !!!!!!!!!!@#gosh im so excited i really like them both so much we're all similar temperaments so ya..... ive wanted to make sure i keep them JFJFJFJD#n e way. we still havent asked him but hopefully he says yes !!!! bc he always sits behind us n im just like !!!! ik you wanna sit with us#so just sit beside us istg !!!! but ah ... i think hes shy#god hes so cute#and shes like not competition btw. like..... she has a bf. she knows i like this guy now (i spilled. i couldnt hold it in 💀💀💀). and ya !!#hopefully exciting things coming!!!
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now
(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)
(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)
Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh
#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.)#(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved)#(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.)#The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me.#All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so.#It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth#So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike.#There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars.#And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like:#He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover#And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery.#So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek#About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century!#Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but#I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name...#I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight#Armour clanking#I need an oc tag#What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference#and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶#I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶#He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER#What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶#It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶#I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶#I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER#Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...
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#shutup sensitive#i know its the case#but i wonder in moments like this#do other people feel like me#i feel like a shell of a person like the body of a person but not the being#and the being i am is like vehemently unlikeable or says things that other beings can’t understand but its like i look like them i act like#them so why dont they understand me#i feel like i understand me very well and i understand others even better than i do myself but why doesnt anyone understand me#ive been in mania for a few days and i recognize it but it really is the worst i cant even reveal in it i dont like this#my desires are so strong right now but are they actually mine or just this other addition of my selves#and if i think long on my desires rn theyre not even real but theyre so strong lol theyre so stupid though why do i need to do something#irrational why cant i just be satisfied per usual#how do i fix it how do i fix it#(time fixes it this ive learned but time is also not a friend of mine)#(i feel like time likes to toy with me and makes broken promises to me that take forever to arrive and im expecting them to not be broken so#i wait and i wait but the time just drags out and then when change arrives its like haha NOT what you wanted! i hate time)#i want to hold the hands of all the hysterical folk in my bloodline i want all the loonies to haunt me and keep me company bc i know what#they felt and i feel for them not having the knowledge and explanations for their feelings like i have and i mourn for them#thanks for passing down the brain worms to me my beloved ancestors im glad i function like you and like nobody else#anyways im pretty sure i need a phat hug#big phat arms wrapped around me and someone to pet my head#so when i get home this is what i will receive but its hours from now#and me and that old time demon :)
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i was lucky enough to mostly have really good professors while i was getting my international studies degree so most of the time kissinger was discussed it was in the context of "look at all the atrocities this motherfucker has orchestrated" but i did take one class with our state dept diplomat in residence for that year and he assigned one of his books as reading and then was not fully prepared when most of the class proceeded to tear it to shreds in discussion
#all of this is to say ive been waiting for this day for a long time now#rest in piss you old sack of shit#ironically that blatant foreign service recruitment class#was how i decided that even attempting to try to become a fso would be like killing so many of my morals#shhh julie
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you are all wrong!!!
#you are all wrong when you tell me to wait for her how long do i wait how long do i stay asleep waiting for her to wake up#you are all wrong in that the waiting isnt mine to do. to drag someone out of bed you must stand up first#and ive been melding with the linen. you are all wrong and twisted! god what is wrong with your face! angels are walking#in a queue to the electric work building. youve gone all wrong and strange! what is the thing in the mirror?#the thing in the mirror looks wrong because it is mismatched with what is behind it. this is all wrong!#what happened big runner? what happened to all those big words? there is nothing behind you in the mirror#and nothingness is inconceivable so you have to run. either i will run with you all the way to vienna#or else ill be back home in a different country again. ill be home inside books and outside on the water. by the coastline in the heat#i am going to breathe in the sun. for now you are all wrong. you wait for your love to stand up first and then you find yourself#both merged with linen. youre all wrong! you have to leap over this fire. this is all wrong. i am supposed to be devoured by philosophy#and mathematics and love. ive bitten hard enough into your forearm to last another day but if i stay still for a second longer i am going#to rip it all apart. i say this hoping i do. i say this still as a waterside cliff.
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ok lrb i feel like the biggest idiot ever and i probably am 💀it has been established multiple times but ive been really feeling it now these past few days
#so im like a physical person with friends i know its ok with it im touchy and huggy and all that#so i have this friend im super comfortable with and we do this kind of thing all the time i cling to her whenever we see each other#and she does basically the same thing#so a few months ago she was hugging me and then i didnt really register at first but she kissed my neck while we were hugging#and i was like aww thats so sweet that she kisses her friends <3 such a nice friendly gesture i bet she does that to all her friends#and i thought nothing about it. now a few days ago she was sitting next to me and took my hand in hers while i was writing smth#and i didnt think anything about it cuz thats normal. and then she was like turning it over in her hand and feeling it#and trailing her fingers over my palm and my fingers and all that and i still thought nothing of it i was like ok!#and i kept writing w my left hand while she was talking and then. she very very slowly started to intertwine her fingers with mine#LIKE SLOWLY. LIKE A DELIBERATE VERY CAREFUL SLOWLY. and i was like wait a minute.#cuz i wouldnt have cared if she just took my hand WHY WAS SHE SO CAREFUL ABOUT IT?#and then she was like wow ari your nails are so long. and i wouldnt have cared if she said 'wow theyre pretty' cuz thats normal#but she was like 'your nails are so long. its cute.' HELLO#but i wasnt sure at that point i was like ??? ok but maybe she meant it friendly! she does this kind of thing to all her friends right!!!#and then i spoke to her friend confidentially and she was like yeah she doesnt do that with anybody#now im not sure 😭i feel like it could easily be explained by something else since she never mentioned being gay#but it could equally be that shes gay. schrodingers lesbianism#and i feel so bad because me being touchy is just kind of who i am what if she feels like ive been leading her on if im right 😭#but now her friend is telling me that im an idiot. and my best friend says im an idiot. and my cousin says im an idiot!!#cuz this sounds like shes been flirting w me the whole time and ive been like 'aww shes so sweet <3 bffs 4 life'#i really hope she doesnt like me tho </3 hvgfdbsljhfgbsvclujinf#aricouldyounot
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i love my husbands sm
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#ive already dedicated all of myself to them and like ijust auh#i cant begin to really express JUST how important they are to me and ik i try to say it over and over ghjdfks#but truly... im so glad they had me find them... im so glad that we could love eachother#i dont know how long they had been waiting for me before that day but#i know they had been waiting for me#and i wont ever leave them. i am dedicated to them as they are to me#and i will love them to the day i die and even after i will always love them#forever and ever and ever#i will always love them to best of my abilities and i will always do whatever it takes for them to be happy#and ik they will always do the same for me#we may not be perfect people... but we love eachother... and we will always better ourselves for one another#thats the point of love#not a day has gone by where i havent loved them#not a day where my love has been any less#its only gotten stronger and stronger#and i know. i KNOW. i will ALWAYS. always love them.#because i had never loved before them.#and i know i will never have a love like this again.#i know this love will always be here. and i know ill still love them on my deathbed#i should be sleeping rn i just#cant stop thinking abt them#i want to be home and just hold their hands#tell them how much i love them. show them how dedicated i am to them. that im never going anywhere#i hope i can see them soon... i want to at least dream of them...
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mayber i can finish this first frame before the year ends hopefully
#its like 5ish days? given the pace im going at that might not be too bad#but i wish i could work faster on this. not so i can churn out stuff faster but so i have something... to show for all this time spent on a#single frame loal#i draw slow enough as is loal#ive just been taking an incredibly long time to get a single frame done cuz ive made so many revisions that i ended up just closing the prog#program without saving cuz none of the revisions i thought were worth keeping#aoufouuffffguuuuuuuuuuu its just annoying.b..... but i cant give up or else it will never get done cuz thats what always happens. i just#stop working on it cuz i get tired of the lack of progress#and lookin gat the same thing for so long.... uuurururur.r.r.r.rurur.ru.urur.rur.urruru.rurur#i have to get used to this process or come up witha better workflow or whatever the fucign word is#i spent a better portioni of today working on this isngle frame but.... i wouldnt say there was NO progress whatsoever. there is definite p#progress from before. and i know this. but... ururururururr i want to .........#wait maybe ican skip ahead a few frames and just draw a different part.... ig....
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choked so hard swallowing my drink down the wrong way that I almost puked and I'm still kinda nauseous hours later, so lol. also, friend (the mutual work friend of me and my man that actually hangs out with him outside of work) witnessed and started saying something about how some people choke on things like that bad enough that it kinda spooks them from drinking and they get dehydrated out of paranoia (no idea if that's true, sounds fake but whatever, he's one of those people yk?) and my dumb ass, full of autism and pure thoughts only, said "damn, if that were a problem I wouldn't be able to put nothing in my mouth, my gag reflex is shit 😞😞" which has probably made it's way to my man. because I'm stupid and was really woozy from coughing til I almost vomited and totally didn't think of what I was saying.
#doesnt help that a few days ago we were all hanging out smoking#and i dont get high easy with others evidently but they all have MAJOR tolerance and experience and im baby#so i feel pretty mellow and dazed pretty quick when we do anything despite them all feeling almost nothing#(even though my man is very quick to tell me when something isnt even strong so idk what everyone else ive smoked with is smoking)#(because i hardly get the slightest bit chill from it any time i smoke with anyone else usually)#(but i digress)#and so i was higher than i mayhaps should have been from what i had because again hella baby#but i heard friend say *SOMETHING* that 100% had my name and i think had the word “head” in it#in like a whisper to my man who was sitting on the couch between us#and i was like “okay im feeling kinda dazed and shit and i have hearing issues and hes very much talking so i cant hear--”#“--so i shouldnt make assumptions on what he said because im probably REALLY mishearing what i did hear lol”#but then my man kinda glanced at me and made a noise (an almost laugh??) and said “nah not yet” quiet but not as much as a whisper as friend#so i do lowk wonder if i heard right lol#and if i did thats a whole other story#because pooki cmon#babygirl get real#i sleep over there not infrequently and we cuddle hella intertwined and kiss and all#ive told him that im stupid as fuck and have anxiety so i need things EXTRA communicated with me#ive hinted at kink#ive told him that i trust him fully not to force me to do anything that i dont wanna do and that as long as hell take no for an answer--#--id have no issue with him telling me what to do more often because i again trust him and would say no if i really didnt want to#(in nonsexual situations like him asking if i wanted to go run an errend with him or wait for him at his place and such)#that i was hoping hed be more confident in making a move by now#but im acespec and in zero rush because sex is take it or leave it to me#id do it for him and i really do want to but its so not a need or even much of a craving#but i might bring it up eventually if he doesnt because he is so sweet and cute and i think he just doesnt wanna assume#because he had to be told that its okay to kiss me and that he can and should talk to me at work like a normal person#so i deadass think he just doesnt want to force me into anything but is also bad at communicating so he doesnt really ask either#its just funny that i think they were talking about me giving head a few days ago and i choked and said something stupid today tho#whores lovesick musings
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hm. ashe being the Girl could go one of two ways. either i stick closer to pd or i get a little silly with it.
#my post#I STILL DONT KNOW HOW TO INCORPORATE THE TRICKSTER INTO THIS. IDK HOW THE AFTERLIFE WORKS IN DANGER DAYS..#but anyways. im sticking closer to kj canon with ashes mom dying in the analog wars n getting drac'd and all that#but the question is. is mark ashes actual dad or not.#like sticking close to canon ages mark would be his dad. grew up in the normal world. lived a life before the war and before the city. lost#his wife. somehow got his kid back. and has been hiding ever since#OR. hear me out. hear me out okay.#ashe was raised similarly to the Girl- by a big group of people. and mark is one of those people.#but something along the lines of the music videos happens and everyone dies. and now its just mark and this kid.#and so he says Nope! fuck this! ive lost everything but the world wont take this one last person from me! and went into hiding with ashe.#gave them both normal names. never lets him go out bcus hes scared theyre still on blind's radar#if i go w the second one then ashe really has two moms#theres the mom as in according to danger days lore. who would be ashes biological parent#but then theres ashes Actual Mom From PD Who Doesnt Have A Name. who wouldve been in the same crew as mark and raised ashe#oh hang on. hang on now. wait. i might know how to sorta include the trickster. not really but a little bit. more like a reference than the#actual character. what if the Trickster as we know it is like BLI propaganda against this Nefarious Killjoy whos Destined to destroy them#but to killjoys the trickster is a legend whos gonna free them all from BLI one day. EVERYONES heard of it. some believe in it some dont#some think it died a long time ago#its a rule in the winters house that theyre not allowed to say that word#bECAUSE INSTEAD OF BEING KNOWN AS 'THE GIRL' IN THIS UNIVERSE ASHE WAS 'THE TRICKSTER'#ok no yeah im totally going w the second mark option#i mean it doesnt necessarily mean aged-down mark. dr death defying is right there. idk i will ponder on this
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