#all of these things are affirming and encouraging; and make me appreciate the craft and my journey in it more than ever; in their own ways

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

one thing i really miss about writing with a keyboard is that it's Critically important to my writing process for the flow of words to leave breathing room for mental detours, and for details to occur to me, as i go. i need space to gather material to weave in, and usually the bits and bobs that i pick up or introduce when they aren't technically The Driving Point of the Scene are what ends up actually guiding the scene to the end.

that left its own weak spots i needed to work on--relying on this too much made it near impossible to actually work within an outline, and therefore to write things with any kind of length--but it was a strength of my writing, and it was certainly what made it fun. and i was starting to settle down to focus on filling in that skill gap, because i wanted to make longer more structured works (and still do). i was getting better at articulating myself outside of prose contexts, too. i was making progress.

and then my hands happened. and now writing, prose or otherwise, feels like dragging myself across the floor from one sentence or paragraph to the next. or talking around a mouthful of marbles. there's no space or energy left over to play with the words and imagery, or let them breathe, and the best i can do is slap whatever clumsy placeholder phrasing i can grab for into the gaps and hope it's not too hard to read, much less good to read.

who knows how much of it is that, versus potential cognitive issues from longterm malnourishment/ongoing stress and trauma/that one bad concussion i had a few years ago/being older/having caught covid a few times by now, versus being rusty, versus being in the awkward painful stages of getting my hands into art/communication skills i hadn't developed before, versus survivorship bias from giving myself permission to Post More Imperfect Bullshit, versus just straight up having a distorted view of my writing from where i sit because hooray stress, isolation, extremely foreshortened future, and depression.

but it fucking sucks regardless, and it fucking sucks even more how many of those factors are irreversible, whether completely or at all, even before factoring the likelihood of the technically reversible stuff being fixed either.

i miss writing, man. the kind i used to do. the writing i do now has worth, absolutely, and i don't regret doing it, but it's something different. part of me is missing and i feel it every day.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

I think I'm ready to get help and tell someone about my disorder, but i don't know where to start. As it developed, I found comfort in my disorder and made myself believe that without it I'd be nothing. I don't know what to do.

Hi anon! You're definitely not alone in this. This response is actually going to be kind of long, so I'm going to go ahead and put it under a cut.

It sounds like you need to start by challenging the belief that you're nothing without the disorder! This belief didn't start from nothing - maybe you could take note of all the times you felt poor self-esteem that made you seek this disorder? What triggers these feelings, and what can you do to take care of and affirm yourself when you feel this way?

In order to directly challenge these beliefs, perhaps you could make a list of things about you as a person - things you enjoy, things you're good at, things you appreciate in this life. If you're struggling to come up with a lengthy list, perhaps you could start a second list - things you'd like to strengthen independently of this disorder. You can remind yourself that you are allowed to enjoy these things without your disorder, and that you may in fact find more enjoyment and more strength in developing new things about yourself when your health starts to improve.

Here are some potential examples relating to myself: I am a kind person, I am a sensitive person who feels emotions very deeply, I notice things that many people don't notice, I am hardworking and persistent, I have a strong sense of justice. I enjoy taking walks, listening to music, thrill-seeking, writing, and reading books. I can enjoy all of these things without engaging my eating disorder. These are things that are part of me when I am not engaging in my eating disorder.

I would like to work on: mindfulness and enjoyment of the moment, learning to roller-skate. I will be better at these things when I am investing in mentally and physically healthy behavior.

It will be hard to do these things at first - it'll be hard to engage in them without focusing on whatever pushed you toward your ED in the first place. Don't try to ignore these thoughts and feelings. Instead, acknowledge them, accept them, and validate them. Let them move through you. Then challenge them with self-caring thoughts you can replace them with. Some days it will be harder than others, and that's okay.

It's understandable to have found comfort in something that was routine and gave you a sense of control over your negative feelings, or an outlet for them. But it is much more revolutionary to care for yourself than to destroy yourself. When you find yourself seeking comfort in self-destruction, perhaps you can turn to a ready-made list of self-caring affirmations and activities to provide you comfort instead. Can you make yourself a cup of tea? Go on a walk while challenging your self-destructive thoughts with self-healing ones? Play a favorite video game? Make some little crafts or doodles? Do a meditation session in a calm space you've created for yourself? What else might help?

Now, in terms of reaching out for support: I fully encourage this, as recovery is very hard to do alone. Consider who you're reaching out to, and what you want from them. You may choose to reach out to:

A) a friend. Do you have any close friends you can trust with this information? What do you want from disclosing to your friends? Perhaps just a listening ear, some empathy and reassurance, someone to validate to you that your well-being is important? Are there any small things your friends could do in daily life to support your health and recovery? Are there triggers that they can avoid? Do keep in mind that you may not get the response you were looking for from a friend, and while that may feel discouraging, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care, or that you shouldn't recover. Your friends are not necessarily mental health experts, and they're also not mind-readers. Perhaps communicating to them what you need from this disclosure may help.

B) a family member. Are you living with family currently? Are they sufficiently supportive? I find that family can be an excellent source of support, but they can also be cultivators of unhealthy environments that trigger disordered behaviors in the first place, so this can be very fraught, especially if you are living with them. However, if you feel they'd be open to listening and working with you in a therapeutic context to help you build a healthier environment and work through potential causes, it might be worth having this discussion. This is entirely up to you - you know your family better than I do, so you may be better equipped to decide whether your family members are equipped to be resources to you. Do understand that their concern for you, or their guilt, or their defensiveness over potentially having caused this might all change the way your family dynamic is for a while. Working together in a therapeutic environment might be the best way to ensure these changes are positive ones if you are choosing to incorporate family members in your recovery process.

C) a source of guidance. Are you under 18? In grade school or university? You may be able to seek guidance from a trusted teacher or counselor. Do be aware that they may be legally obligated to report this to a psych professional, or possibly your family, depending on your age and where you live. Definitely research the laws and protocols in your region before doing this. If you go this route, make it clear that you fully intend to seek professional counseling supports and that you are only seeking a listening ear or a bit of advice. Otherwise this person may be obligated to follow up with contact to a mental health evaluator. (If you don't know how to get in touch with a professional, this might be a good thing, as these figures for guidance may be able to help you get in touch with the appropriate mental health services. It entirely depends on how good or bad the psych support system is where you live.)

D) a therapeutic professional. I absolutely advise you work with at least one professional if you are able to, in this process. Untrained individuals in your life may want to support you but are not qualified to oversee a mental health plan for you. This can be scary, and absolutely do keep in mind that if you feel your psych professional is not a good fit for you, you can seek a new one! Try to find someone who has done some research into eating disorders specifically. It may also help you learn what to expect if you research the different types of therapy and what they do. There's your standard psychotherapy, or "talk therapy." Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) used to be the gold standard for treating negative patterns of behavior, but many people have reported negative results in the long run depending on your specific mental health profile, and a number of professionals consider CBT outdated and insufficient. Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is considered a more trauma-informed therapeutic practice, and can help you learn to replace destructive impulses with safer ones when you experience crisis. There's also trauma reprocessing (things like EMDR), and less conventional practices like art therapy, animal therapy etc. A skilled therapist will likely incorporate a few different types of therapeutic approaches into your treatment plan, and will know how to connect you to any additional resources you may need.

I hope this helps, anon. And I hope you find healing, support, and connection to a positive identity independent of your disorder! Perhaps part of your new identity can be "healing person."

[dreamdropsystemarchive]

Oh my, this is gonna sound so cheesy but... It's true!! I originally wrote this as a comment but got shy and deleted it!! And you know what, this was supposed to be an ask, sooo...

I just wanted to say... Thank you!! Thank you for running this beautiful blog!! It really means a whole lot to me!! You see, I'm a persecutor heavy system so things can be hard at times!! Because of that I'm trying to find ways to calm all my persecutors down!! And you?? You are helping a lot!! When they see your videos, or your posts they instantly calm down!! Theo's message was super encouraging to them and they really appreciate it!!

You guys have given them a good coping mechanism!! And because of that, they are thriving!! I really can't thank you enough, thanks for being you, thanks for this blog, thanks for the videos, thank you all for everything!!

wow!!

this means literally so much to all of us....

we're so happy we can help.

we are persecutor heavy as well. making videos and art and posts and crafts have been a coping mechanism for us all.. thank you sm this is so kind you can always commets on our videos we love commets tysm ♡

we are just a mentally ill system vibing on the internat and people and systems like you affirm what were doing is helpful. weither its sharing our experiences, sharing information and awareness, or entertainment and acceptance ♡ thanks sm you're a sweetheart - Honey + others

[everywherenyc]

#SATISFACTION -

Finding something you adore, becoming a real whiz at it, and seeing how it touches others in a good way—it's like discovering a treasure trove of feelings! Imagine when chefs whip up a dish they love or artists craft a masterpiece; it’s like they've hit the jackpot of joy.

As a promoter, it's like being the architect of an empty room's transformation. You conjure up this mental picture of decorations, music, and happy vibes, then bring together your talented crew to make it happen. The flyer you create? It's like a sneak peek for everyone to know what the night's gonna be like.

Picture this: a room full of folks, dancing away, smiles on their faces. That feeling of contentment and accomplishment? It’s like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle—it’s hard to explain, but it’s there.

Paying everyone, from the cashier to the security and especially the DJ, may be tiring, but it’s also immensely satisfying. Why? Because everyone can see the impact they've had on each person in the crowd.

It’s like making a beautiful, accidental masterpiece where every tiny detail was your doing. Chefs feel it when you take that first delicious bite of their creation, or when a comedian hears that genuine laughter at a new joke.

When Busta Rhymes talked about it, it hit home so deeply that tears flowed. All those years of cracking jokes, offering sincere advice, and promoting things I genuinely believe in—those built you up. People know me, and more importantly, I know myself .. Integrity, professionalism, humor, business-minded and always, always spreading positive vibes and life lessons. My actions have spoken for me for so long that I dont need words and its a blessing. It's a blessing because I wasnt doing it for a reason.. I just love to make a positive impact on whatever project I am working on.

Yes, the feeling that one gets when he's good at something and it affects someone postively,

is the best feeling in the world. It's like, a sense of validation or affirmation. It's like a big warm hug of approval that tells you your hard work paid off and your efforts were appreciated.

It can make you feel acknowledged, respected, and encouraged to keep doing what you love.

E-MAN 2023. https://linktr.ee/EverywhereNYC

#talented #gifted #artists #promoters #singers #dancers #performers #reaction #bustarhymes #diaryofaceo #stevenbartlett

SEE THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW HERE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRjzQuzX-tg&t=3353s

"LIKE" if you can understand "COMMENT" to educate u on your thoughts

[lalaangeldust]

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

-𝐦𝐡𝐚 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬-

[ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ] : none :)

[ 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 ] : sero hanta // kaminari denki

[ 𝗺𝘆𝗸𝗶𝗲'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 ] : in my previous post, i added a lil extra bit about the boys' love languages and i wanted to go more in depth w/ my headcanons :)

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚

𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

hanta's giving love language is definitely gift giving

he loooooves making lil arts and crafts and even more so when he can give his funky lil art projects to his friends for no particular reason other than he cares for you and likes having you in his life

he has definitely made everyone a tape wallet at one point or another

i saw a blog talking ab how sero would be into stationary and i love it so much please-

he'd use his tape to stick cute notes on ppl's dorm doors with washi tape and pretty glitter pen writing AH

he tried to stay anonymous but it did not last long

mina caught him meticulously sticking a note on her door and his secret was immediately out

i think he'd also make it his goal to remember alll your favorite snacks and keep a stash of them to give to you in class or when you're hanging out w him in the dorms

but as much as he loves to spontaneously give gifts to his friends...

he's absolute shit when it comes to actual thought out gifts for events

if you two are really close and it's your birthday or something, he'd probably panic and wrap himself up last minute

tell you that his friendship is your gift

all in all, he just absolutely adores the way you and his friends light up when he gives you guys things

even more so when you tell him how much you appreciate his lil gifts

it feels great to feel wanted

𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

his receiving love language is, and i can not stress this enough, physical touch

he also likes being physically affectionate w others but he likes it much more when he receives it

if he has romantic feelings for you, he'd flirt a looooot with physical touch

he'd be super aware of what you'd be comfortable with or not though and he doesn't get super touchy

he'd flirt more like- bumping his hips into yours on purpose to throw you off balance

or "accidentally" grazing his shoulder or knuckles onto yours while you two are walking together

it's really cute

but god forbid YOU initiate anything touchy

absolute putty in your hands if you play with his hair, mans will get goosebumps if you play with the hair at his nape

just throw him some puppy eyes and offer him a hug and he'd do practically anything for you

please compare hand sizes, he will melt

HOLDING HANDS if you grab his hand like- LIKE

that troupe where you're like

"can you hold something for me?"

"ofc, doll, what do you want me to hold?"

and you hover your hand above his like you have something in it but you just slip your fingers between his and squeeze his hand

AHHHHH

he is in shock

he'd swipe his nose with his thumb as he looks away to not so subtlety hide his blush as you just smile innocently at him, still holding onto his hand

sure fire way to get him to fall head over heels for you

𝐤𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢 𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐤𝐢

𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

alright we've all known this, this is absolutely nothing new

denki's love language is 100% physical touch

and he is sooo much less subtle about it than sero is

literally any excuse to touch you

so much so he'd be kinda oblivious to boundaries and would honestly feel really bad if you were to tell him to stop touching you

he'd would stop immediately but he would probably feel pretty embarrassed about it later

adhd rejection sensitivity dysphoria

but if you are comfortable with it and don't tell him to stop, he's all over you

he'd totally ask if he can braid your hair no matter how short it is and of you have textured hair he will try his damn best to learn how to work with it

don't expect anything good though :|

you guys without a doubt have a secret handshake and he is so smug ab it too

he absolutely adores the idea you two have something that no one else knows

i said this in my last post and i will say it again

tickle fights

they'd come outta no where too

you two would be studying together or some shit and he'd sneakily slip his hands to where he knows you're most ticklish and just attack you completely unprovoked

he won't stop till you're in tears too

give him a swift punch in the shoulder, he deserves it

𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

WORDS. OF. AFFIRMATION

please for the love of god tell kami how great he is, he really needs it

as someone who gets poked fun at for appearing dumb because of his quirk, it sometimes gets to him and makes him feel pretty small

but even just the tiniest encouragement from you gets him right back up

remind him how much you love him whether it be platonically or romantically, he appreciates it so much

giving cuddles while whispering lil affirmations and sweet nothings to him will nearly bring him to tears

JUST TELL HIM HOW IMPORTANT HE IS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD-

he feels like such a burden a lot of the time, especially when it comes to his quirk and how much of a dead weight he feels when he goes "whey" mode

but you always come to his aid and genuinely ask if he's ok and he internally melts every time

ok but if you're somewhat motherly or start babying him, he will milk the shit outta that

like that one tiktok where he's getting bullied by the bakusquad and you're unaware that that's just how they show affection to one another and you start babying him

HE GETS SO SMUG- THE BASTARD

OK THIS IS AWFUL BUT IF YOU TWO ARE DATING HE WOULD TOTALLY BABY TALK AHHHH

he purposefully acts like he's hurt and talks like a fuckin child and everyone else watching is just disgusted

god forbid you baby talk back

that's just your thing now

baby talk :|

𝒇𝒊��� . ✩

[nengojo]

Could we please get some relationship headcanons for Ann, Makoto, Futaba and Haru?

i kinda went overboard and wrote more than I expected... but i am a sap for relationship hcs!! also saw that 4/23 is makoto’s bday, which is very cool and convenient for me hehe ,, hope you like this <33

word count: 1.549 warnings: SLIGHT STORY SPOILER IN HARU'S PART tags/genre: fluff, just all of it

requests are open!

Takamaki Ann

She loves to pamper you. Be it buying you stuff, treating you her favorite desserts, or staying over at your place and dressing you up with cute outfits. You try to do the same for her and she enjoys it as well.

A LOT of PDA, though it’s not over the top. She’d pepper kisses all over your face whenever she’s excited. Or always bury her face in your neck whenever she needs to be closer to you.

Even though Ann hasn’t dated anyone before you, she definitely learned and read up on how to be the best girlfriend. Probably read those relationships magazines (she denies it though)

Ann prefers simpler dates at the park or karaoke, but she wouldn’t mind making reservations for fancier restaurants if there’s an occasion. Would definitely choose buffets over the 5-star restaurant though.

Speaking of occasions, she’s the type to have celebrations for every little thing you guys do together as a couple. It can range from monthsaries, your first beach date, or your first night together. Ann keeps trinkets with her from every date you two go on.

Ann always has you on her mind. If she sees a new cheesecake shop, she buys it thinking that you would enjoy sharing it with her. When she saw cute phone charms, she bought a pair so you and her would have a “couple-y” item.

Would be into double dates, she doesn’t say it, but it definitely comes from her competitive side of showing off. Ann wants everyone to know she’s dating the best person ever. 💕

Introduces you to her parents through Skype. Ann says she couldn’t wait till her parents come back from their trips, so you could properly meet them. She quells your nervousness by saying that they already approved of you.

Petnames are minimal, but it’s very sweet when she does use them with you. You think it’s because she enjoys the flustered expression on your face when she calls you “baby” or “sweetie”.

Ann’s just a proud girlfriend! Be ready to be treated like the royalty you are, as you made her feel her worth once more.

Niijima Makoto

Similar to Ann, she values your relationship and you greatly. Makoto would be careful as possible around you. Always tending to your needs, mindful of what she says and does around you. There’s constant communication between you and her.

Probably would overheat out of embarrassment if she tries to cling onto you when in public, so hand-holding and touching knees while sitting together is enough for her.

Makoto DEFINITELY researched every possible tip and ‘guide’ on how to be the perfect girlfriend. You insist that she doesn’t need to incorporate all those into your relationship, saying that she’s perfect as the way she is.

With all that studying though, she actually sets up the best dates for you two. She always invites you to a newly-opened restaurant or gets the best seats whenever there’s a film showing nearby.

That said, she still prefers dates in secluded areas, places similar to Leblanc. She has this favorite nature trail that she found out about in dating forums and would take you there on nightly walks, talking about everything and nothing.

Makoto doesn’t announce your relationship to others, thinking that it’s better if people found out naturally. She likes the look on people’s faces when she admits to having a significant other while she acts all innocent and pure about it.

Her sister would openly confront her about your relationship, but Sae is lowkey super supportive of you and her. She says it’s good that someone is at Makoto’s side when she isn’t there.

She acts composed around others, but you’re the only one she lets see her vulnerable side. You tell her it’s adorable that you can easily tease her. (please don’t tease her too much or she’ll implode from being too flustered)

Makoto would think she’s too mature for petnames, but you don’t hold it against her, especially when she says your name with so much love in her voice every time.

Makoto is an observant girlfriend! She says it’s because she wants you to know that she genuinely cares and that she’s grateful to be yours.

Sakura Futaba

Futaba’s relationship with you feels natural from the start, despite her insistence that she would suck being a girlfriend. You reassure her at the start that she would do great with little to no effort, and she does :)

Wouldn’t even think twice about PDA, She feels safe and secure when she’s closer to you, so the more contact, the better. If she could, Futaba would shamelessly cling onto your back like a koala. (and you’d let her)

She says that experience is the best teacher, so she went into your relationship completely blind. The whole thing had its setbacks; she tried to kiss you out of nowhere one time, since “that’s what couples do, right?” You told her that there was no rush, and she was grateful for that.

She’s a fast learner though, and it manifests in her innocent but sincere gestures. When she thinks that you’re sad, she tells you jokes or shows you a meme she liked on her phone. Futaba thinks that whatever makes her happy, might cheer you up too.

Absolutely loves talking about her interests to you, because she knows that you would never judge her or question what she likes. You enjoy being on the listening side, since the way Futaba lights up is enough for you.

Alternatively, she’s a very active listener whenever you would talk about your day or share something about your interests. Futaba encourages you to tell her more about it, and on her own time, she learns about your said interests so she can participate in the conversations better.

In terms of interests, she convinced you to play video games with her (if you don’t already play) and it’s already a date for the two of you. Dates always involve either trips to Akihabara, arcade hopping, or the park when she wants quiet times with you.

Sojiro enjoys seeing you two interact whenever you guys stop by at Leblanc. When Futaba was in the restroom, he whispered to you saying that he hasn’t seen Futaba this energetic ever since she was a kid. That meant a lot to you.

She started calling you exaggerated names like “my lovely sweetheart babycakes” or “little fluffball whiskers”. Other than that, her favorite petname for you was “bub”, since she said the funny word fit you well. You love hearing it from her too.

Futaba is a heartfelt girlfriend! Your bond with each other has always been close, and now you get the chance to be closer.

Okumura Haru

Haru would be reserved from openly showing affection at the start, but you give her all the time and space she needs. She appreciates it greatly and reciprocates the effort in kind.

PDA is a no-no, although she does unknowingly flirt with you in the sweetest way. She has a way with words that makes the simplest compliment seem like the highest praise, and it’s enough to make you feel loved.

With her training for marriage, she obviously knows the basic aspects of a relationship. Taking care of you comes naturally to her, yet you were there to show her that she can receive the same amount of love that she readily gives to you.

You teased her about how she acts more like a mother to you, and she misunderstood and profusely apologized (poor sweetheart). Haru explains that she loves seeing you thrive and be happy, which in turn makes her happy.

It started as an innocent suggestion, but Haru wanted to write love letters to you from time to time. In most instances she would pass it onto you after a date, saying that you should read it when you get home. Other times she would quietly slip it in your bag as a surprise for you to find.

You’ve come to appreciate the craft that Haru puts into the letters. She always chooses the delicate papers, sometimes scented. And other letters had pressed flowers in the envelope. The most precious thing in the letter though was her confessions and affirmations.

Haru lets you choose your date locations since she wants to be more accustomed to city life. You once brought her to a conveyor belt sushi place, and you couldn’t handle the joy in your eyes when you saw her be fascinated about it. “It just moves in little trains! It’s so innovative and cute,” she says.

When you were closer with her, she opened up more about her father to you, even inviting you to visit the shrine dedicated to him in the mansion. That was the first time you saw her cry, and you promised yourself to do your best so you never have to see her like that again.

Romantic petnames suit her well, but she only uses them when you two are alone. Hearing Haru call you “my lily” or “my light” always caught you off-guard no matter how many times you have heard it.

Haru is a compassionate girlfriend! She treats you as delicately as she acts and you know that you’re in good hands with her, as she is with your own.

[natsubeatsrock]

Should Hiro Mashima die?

My answer is no. 

Though, this isn't about actually killing Hiro Mashima. Kinda got you with the title, though, huh? (This was originally going to be titled “Is Hiro Mashima dead?” and released on his birthday. You’re welcome.)

This post is about a widely debated topic of analysis known as the "death of the author." I've talked about this a few different times in passing in a few posts over the years. You could argue that this belongs in my series rewriting Fairy Tail and I considered placing it there. However, I feel that it's better that I keep this detached from that series. This topic concerns criticism of any series. Naturally, being a Fairy Tail blog, I plan on engaging this with the context of Fairy Tail's author being dead or not, hence the title. Still, this is helpful to think about for analysis of plenty of other series.

Again, though, my answer is still no.

Let's start with the origin of this term. The term comes from an essay by Roland Barthes called "La mort de l'auteur". Use your best guess as to what that translates to. I highly encourage you to read the essay as it's pretty short. It's about six or seven pages, depending on the version. There are three main points to his essay.

Creative works are products of the culture they come from and less original than people expect. 

The idea of the author as the sole creator and authority of creative works is fairly modern. 

The author's interpretation of a work shouldn't be considered the main or only interpretation of a work.

Of these three points, I'm sure you recognize the last point. But first, I want to talk about the other points. I believe it is important to understand the arguments being made as a whole.

The first point should be fairly uncontroversial. The vast majority of creative works use established language, tropes, and elements to create a new thing. I wouldn't go as far as Barthes does in this regard. Not to mention, this is somewhat weird to know considering his third point. However, I agree that creative works should be considered products of the culture and genre they come from.

The second point is a bit trickier for me. To be clear, the point is true. You only have to look at various cultural mythologies as an example. There isn't a single version of the Greek myths. There are several versions and interpretations of the various stories and myths. 

Even recent popular fictional characters have had several different interpretations. This is especially true with comics. There have been multiple different Batman interpretations, Spiderman runs, and X-Men teams that fans love. Fans even love and appreciate numerous forms of established characters like Frankenstein's monster and Sherlock Holmes. So, as a consumer and critic of art, I can understand this.

My problem is as a creator of art. I understand this being contentious when it comes to something like religious myths. But, if I create something, I want to get the credit for it. I want people to love my music or writing. But I also want people to recognize me for my skill in crafting it.

This is true even if you hold to the first point Barthes made.  Even if you believe that no art is truly unique, isn't the skill of synthesizing the various tropes and influences around a person worthy of credit in and of itself?

Then again, I am not without bias in this. Barthes says that the modern interpretation of the author is a product of the Protestant Reformation. As a Protestant myself, I get that my background plays no part in my view of this. Barthes also blames English empiricism and French rationalism, but personal faith is the biggest influence on me that Barthes lists.

That being said, there's also something Barthes completely misses in his essay. In the past, stories were passed down by oral tradition. As the stories were passed down from generation to generation, they slowly evolved and became what they are known today. Scholars today can gather a general consensus of what a story was meant to be and some traditions were more faithful about passing traditions down than others. However, you can't always tell the original author of a mythological story the same way we know who gave us stuff like the Quran or the Bible. 

As time passed, stories were written down. With this, it was easy to share single versions of a story and identify its creator. We know who made certain writing of works even before the 1500s. For example, we have the Travels of Marco Polo and Dante's Inferno and know their authors. We could tell the authors of works were before the Protestant Reformation. 

By the way, the Reformation happened to coincide with one of the most important inventions in human history: the printing press. Now you can easily make copies of an individual's works and you don't have to rely on word of mouth to share stories.

I can't stress how important an omission this is. The printing press changed the way we interact with media as a whole and might be the most important invention on this side of the wheel. And yet Barthes doesn't even mention as even a potential factor in "the modern concept of the author"? In his essay about understanding written media? That’s like ignoring Jim Crow in your essay about Birth of a Nation bringing back the KKK.

Now, we get to the final point. The author's original intentions of their works are not the main interpretation. This is understood as being the case after they create the series. Once the work is written and sent into the public, they cease to be an authority on it.

It's worth recognizing how this flows from the other two points. Barthes argued that works of fiction are products of their culture and our current understanding of an author is fairly modern. Therefore, the interpretation of the reader is just as valuable as that of the author. As Barthes himself wrote, "the birth of the reader must be at cost of the death of the author." 

At best, this means that a reader can come away with an interpretation of a work that isn't the one intended. With Fairy Tail, my mind goes to the final moments of the Grand Magic Games. My view of Gray's line "I've got to smile for her sake" has to do with romantic feelings for Ultear. I don't know of a single person who agrees with this. Mashima certainly hasn't come out and affirmed this as the right view.

It's good to recognize that a work can have more meanings behind it than the ones intended by its creator. Part of the performing process is coming to a personal interpretation of a work. In many cases, two different performances will have different interpretations of the same work, neither of which went through the creator's mind. At the same time, both work and are valid.

That being said, there is an obvious problem with this: readers are idiots. Not all readers are necessarily idiots. But enough of them are idiots. The views of idiots should have as much weight as that of the creator. Full stop. Frankly, I maintain that idiots are the worst possible sources to gauge anything of note. (At the very least, policy decisions.)

I know this as a reader who has not been alone in misunderstanding a work. I know this as an analyst who has had to sift through all kinds of cold takes on Fairy Tail. (Takes that are proven wrong simply by going through it a second time. Or a first.) And I definitely know this as a creator who has to see people butcher my works through nonsensical "interpretations."

At the same time, the argument Barthes made comes with an important caveat. He also argued that works are the products of the culture and surroundings of the author. Barthes isn’t making the argument that author’s arguments don’t matter.

As far as I can tell, Barthes doesn't take this to mean that those influences are worth analyzing. Doing so would be giving life to the author. However, there should be some recognition that a creative work didn't come to exist out of nowhere. There's a sense in which Fairy Tail didn't just wash up on the shore chapter by chapter or episode by episode. It came to be as part of the culture it came from.

Now, you'll never guess what happened. Over the years, the concept of "death of the author" lost its original intent. Nowadays, people usually only care about the third point. "Death of the author" is only brought up to dismiss "word of God" explanations of work, after its release. I'd venture to guess that most people using the term casually don't know anything about its roots. I honestly don't know how Barthes would feel about this.

I can understand what might fuel this view. A writer should do their best to write their intended meanings in a work. It would be wrong of a writer to make up for their poor writing after the fact. I don't love Mashima's "Lucy's dreams" explanation for omakes. I know Harry Potter fans don't love the stuff J.K. Rowling has said over the years.

At the same time, my (admittedly Protestant) understanding of "word of God" and "canon" is that they have the same authority. After all, the canon IS the word of God. It is a small section of what God has said, but it isn't less than that.

Of course, it's worth recognizing that nearly every writer we're talking about isn't even remotely divinely inspired or incapable of contradiction. This understanding should cut two ways. An author should never contradict their work in talking about it. Write what you want and make clear what you want to. On the other hand, writers can't fit everything they want to in a work. I'll get to this soon, but their interpretation should be treated with some value.

By the way, people will do this while throwing out the other arguments made by Barthes in the same essay. People will outright ignore the culture and context that a work comes from in order to justify their views. Creators are worshiped and praised for their works or seen as the sole problem for the bad views on works.

What worries me most about this modern interpretation of "the death of the author" is its use in fan analysis. People seem to outright not care about the author's intent in writing a story. They only care about their own interpretation of the work. Worse still, people will insist that any explanation an author gives is them covering up their mistakes. Naturally, this often leads to negative views of the work in question.

This is just something I'll never fully understand. It's one thing if you don't like something. If you don't get why something happened, shouldn't your first move be to figure out what the author was thinking? Instead, people move to the idea that it makes no sense and the writer's a hack.

If all of this seems too heady, let's try to bring this down to earth. Should Hiro Mashima die so that his readers can be born?

Hiro Mashima is one of many mangakas who were influenced by Akira and Dragon Ball. He considers J.R.R. Tolkien to be one of his favorite writers. Monster Hunter is one of his favorite game series. He's even written a manga series with the world in mind. 

It would make sense to look at Fairy Tail purely through this lens. You could see Fairy Tail as a shonen action guild story. Rather than seeing the guild as a hub for its members, Fairy Tail's members treat those within it as family. Rather than focusing on one overarching quest, the story is about how various smaller quests relating to its main characters threaten their guild. Adopting this view wouldn't necessarily be an incorrect way to engage with the series. (Mind you, I haven’t seen this view shared by many people who “kill Mashima”.)

Though, there's more to Fairy Tail than the various tropes that make it up. If you were to divorce Fairy Tail entirely from its creator, you'd miss out on understanding them. There are ways Mashima has written bits of himself into the series. Things that go farther than Rave Master cameos and references.

My favorite example is motion sickness. I often think back to Craftsdwarf mocking motion sickness as a useless quirk Dragon Slayers have. It turns out that its origin comes from his personal life. Apparently, one of his friends gets motion sickness. He decided to write this as part of his world.

This gets to the biggest reason I don't love "death of the author" as a framework for analysis. I believe the biggest question analysts should answer is why. Why did an author make certain decisions? You can't do this kind of thing well if you shut out the author's interpretation of their own work. Maybe that can work for some things, but not everything.

I've had tons of fun going through Fairy Tail and talking about it over the past seven years. More recently, I've been going through the series with the intent to rewrite the series. I've made it clear multiple times in that series that I'm trying to understand and explain Mashima's decisions in the series. I don't always agree with what I find. However, trying to understand what happened in Fairy Tail is very important to me.

It's gotten to the point that I love interacting with Mashima's writing. I talk about EZ on my main blog. I can't tell you how much fun I've been having. I'll see things and go "man, that's so Mashima" or "wow, I didn't expect that from him." HERO'S was one of my favorite things of last year and I regularly revisit it for fun. It's the simplest microcosm of what makes each series which Mashima has made both similar and distinct.

Barthes was on to something with his essay. I think there should be a sense where people should feel that their views of the media they consume are valid. This should be true even if we disagree with the author's views on the series. But I don't know that the solution is to treat the author's word on their own work as irrelevant.

There's a sense where I think we should mesh the understandings of media engagement. We recognize that Mashima wrote Fairy Tail. There are reasons that he wrote the series as we got it and they're worth knowing and understanding. However, our own interpretation of the series doesn't have to be exactly what Mashima intended. We can even disagree with how Mashima did things. 

I know fans who do this all the time. They love whatever series they follow, but wish things happened differently. Fans of Your Lie in April will joke about [situation redacted] as well as write stories where it never happens. You love a series, warts and all, but wish for the series to get cosmetic surgery, or take matters into your own hands.

And who knows? It's not as if fans haven't affected an author's writing of a series. Mashima's the perfect example. I've said this a few times before, but Fairy Tail has gone well past its original end at Phantom Lord (or Daphne for the anime fans). Levy rose to importance as fans wanted to see more of her.

Could Mashima have done that if we killed him?

Before the conclusion, I should mention another way “death of the author“ comes up. People will invoke “death of the author“ to encourage people to enjoy works they love made by messed up people. Given everything we’ve said up to this point, that’s obviously not what should be intended by its use. For now, though, I do think that we can admit that we like the works of someone even if we don’t agree with everything they did as a person. (Another rant for another day.)

In Conclusion:

“Death of the Author” is an imperfect concept, but it’s not without its points. I don’t think we should throw out the author’s intent behind a work. However, we should be able to have our disagreements with the author’s views without killing them.

[tsipasce]

Same Difference, ch.05

Chapters: 01  |  02 |  03 |  04

AO3 | Fanfic

The door opened and she saw what looked like a control room with a window that overlooked what seemed like a training arena. The walls and floors of the arena were much rougher than the pristine surfaces of the lab. Whatever had happened in there prior had been overhauled multiple times over.

I wonder just how much he lets loose in here… and on who?

Snapping her out of her daydream, Overhaul began,” You’ve seen my—”

“No, I haven’t.” She cut him off, knowing he was eager to see her use it first. “I may have read reports and seen photos, but I haven’t actually seen you use it. So…” she motioned her hand for him to begin.

He scanned her for a moment before indulging her, “Alright, what would you like to see?”

“Just do whatever you were trying to do to me in the back of the car, hm?” she smiled but the emotion didn’t reach her eyes.

He narrowed his gaze at her, seemingly amused. He went to a place on the wall, looking between Nanami and it comparatively before removing his glove. He pressed his bare hand to the wall, taking a chunk out of it to create a golem-like figure of her. It didn’t have much detail specific to her, but it had arms, legs, and a head. He removed the other glove slowly placing both hands on either arm of the golem. Within a second both arms were gone, now particles floating in the air. Within the next second, they were back, formed exactly the same as before. It was odd seeing it used on stone walls when all the reports spoke of flesh and bone. Though she’d never wish anyone to be a test subject, it was a little underwhelming seeing it this way.

Overhaul must have seen the thoughts across her face as he paused before calmly rolling up his sleeve. She could see him tense for a split second before his arm was disassembled then reassembled in the same breath.

As terrifying as it was to see him dismember himself so easily, she was also professionally (and morbidly) intrigued. How much detail would one have to know and actively apply in order to disassemble and completely reassemble something as complex as a limb in that short a time span? It was as fascinating as it was terrifying.

“Now,” He began, rousing her from her thoughts, “I’d like to see something from you. What exactly did you do to me in the car?”

“Oh… that? That was um...” suddenly she was embarrassed, feeling her cheeks warm as she remembered the moment and her very ill-timed thoughts. “It was nothing.”

“It didn’t feel like nothing. Explain.”

“Well, I call it Reverb—not the most interesting name, I know—but it’s basically…” his eyes narrowed as she hesitated to answer.

“Out with it.” He said, getting impatient.

“I... tickled you?”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s really a harmless move.”

“Harmless?” He said with more incredulity.

“Ok, so your ego was a little bruised, but your cells should have recovered just fine. How are your abdominals and obliques doing?” She asked sincerely this time, hoping he wouldn’t think she was trying to tease him further.

Sighing, but still quite irritated, he replied, “They’re fine. What exactly did you do to produce that... ‘tickling’ feeling?”

He’s definitely pissed…

“I guess another firsthand demonstration would be out of the question, so here” she replied as she approached the wall, placing both hands on it carefully. She turned to see if he was watching her and though he was obviously still irritated, his eyes were tracking her every move. Nanami focused, replicating what she had done on him days before. Small pieces of the wall began to undulate, disassembling and reassembling in the same instant making the wall seem as though it was rolling. She stopped and the wall continued to reverberate the movements she had started as she explained in detail what was happening.

“… I see.” He spoke affirmatively as though he was mildly impressed, his eyes now trained on the wall. She had to admit a certain sense of pride welled up in her at the thought of impressing him in some way. It was difficult not to imagine having some kind of connection when you know you share such an intimate part of yourself with another person… Even if they are a bit more morally ambiguous than I’m used to…. Nanami admitted to herself.

“How else do you utilize my qui— I mean overhaul?” He queried.

The correction was small, but she was appreciative nonetheless. Thinking in earnest how to answer the question, she began,“ Well, it’s nothing special since I don’t use it on as large a scale as you, quite the opposite, really.” He gave her a look encouraging her to elaborate. “I prefer to use traditional methods in my line of work, but if the situation calls for it, I can also use it to create and remove clots.”

“You mean causing a pulmonary embolism?”

“NO. My gosh, no for the exact opposite reason. Everything train goes straight to Murder Town™ with you, huh?” exasperated Nanami before she continued, “If reaching the artery is too invasive, I can break it down through a small incision in the skin preventing fun things like what you mentioned. Besides healing, I usually only use it for self-defense and smaller transformations. I… don’t use it very often.” At this Overhaul noticed what sounded like shame in her voice. She’d been told throughout her childhood she was a freak after the incident as she’d refer to it. Even now, it felt like a sore subject. He knew he’d be able to coax the story out of her, but it wouldn’t be tonight.

“Then tell me, how were you able to negate my attack in the car?”

“That I can’t tell you.” She replied simply.

He shifted his weight, folding his arms, “If we’re going to make this research count, we’ll have to cooperate. Don’t you want to see how far this power can be taken?” He coaxed.

“One, I don’t have a particular lust for power, so that ~thing~ you’re doing with your eyes won’t work on me. And two, even if it did, I couldn’t tell you. Not just because I find the idea of you being able to nullify a quirk to be… unsettling. But because I literally don’t know how I did it either. It just happened.”

He searched her features for signs of deception but found nothing. “Then it looks like we’ll have to get to the bottom of that as well. “ He moved suddenly towards her and she braced herself, but he continued to walk past her and back into the lab.

It looks like we’re playing the long game then… Nanami noted inwardly. He could have tried testing her again physically, but hadn’t. It was an intentional show of restraint to get her to let her guard down. She wasn’t naïve enough to think it was just out of some newfound comradery, but she also wasn’t 100% sure it was some malicious power play. Manipulation was something she assumed he’d employ but seeing it in action was a different story. He’s good at this.

She followed him after a beat into the lab to see him writing notes down on the white board.

“Now that we’ve demonstrated what we know to be physically true, we can begin crafting a hypothesis and concrete testing procedures, a.k.a. the fun part.” He said after hearing her enter the room. He finished the observations he was writing and sat down at the workbench, motioning for her to sit across from him. “Let’s compare notes, shall we?”

She sat down and began looking through the file of her he’d created as well as some hypothesis he’d come up with. It was odd reading such a detailed report about herself and even more so imagining how he’d gotten the information so quickly, but she was relieved to see there wasn’t a mention of the incident. Brushing the obvious invasion of privacy aside, she was grateful to see that even though quirks were a virus to him, his assessment of why they shared the quirk was very similar to hers: genetic mutation.

Closing the folder on the table, Nanami began “It looks like agree on the premise of this experiment. Now we can—”

“Not entirely.” He cut in.

“Please, don’t say it…” Nanami sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

“But it has to be said. We can acknowledge quirks as a genetic mutation while also acknowledging the origin of that mutation was a virus.”

“That’s just… no. Sure viruses can be ‘passed down’ in the sense that their genetic leftovers might show up in offspring, but that doesn’t mean that’s what quirks are. They’re much too drastic of a change to just be caused by a virus. No other virus behaves that way.”

“Until recent history, quirks were not normal. They are an anomaly so it’s no stretch of the imagination to say that the virus that created them would also be an anomaly. You’re being close-minded about this, and it will hinder the process.” He stated matter-of-factly.

“I’m being close-minded? This coming from the guy who won’t accept the consensus of thousands of scientists. If I’m close-minded, you’re downright obtuse!” She retorted.

The argument went on for the next 15-20 minutes, both of them behaving much like children in the eyes of Kurono who had returned 10 minutes ago, but decided it was best to wait outside until they’d finished whatever spat they were having. Now silent, they were both standing, leaning over the table and glaring at each other. Suddenly, Nanami saw an epiphany flash across Overhaul’s face and consequently a look of annoyance came across hers.

“Let’s make a bet.”

“No way.” She responded immediately, but judging by the look in his eyes, he had already made plans to change her answer.

“You haven’t even heard the terms. “

“Knowing what I know about you, I don’t think I want to...”

He continued as though he’d already won, “If your hypothesis is correct, you may ask one favor of me. Anything you want.”

“And if you win? What fresh hell will I be in then?”

“I get the same; nothing more, nothing less. Any favor I ask, you have to grant it.”

“There is literally zero reason for me to indulge in this.”

“That sounds like something a loser would say.”

Brows raised in disbelief Nanami retorted, “Are you... trying to goad me?”

“Is it working?” He replied smoothly, knowing the answer.

“… You’re on.” She knew she’d regret letting her pride get the best of her, but she also knew she’d win. Nothing wrong with a casual, life-altering bet every now and again. She reassured herself.

“Perfect. We’ll begin blood sampling and testing during your next visit. In the meantime, I’ll be thinking of a fitting favor as my prize.”

“As if you haven’t already decided…” Nanami said under her breath. When she looked back at his face, she caught a glint of pure mischief in his eyes.

Yup, definitely going to regret this.

[laurenconraddaily]

Quiz: The Lauren Conrad Co. Guide to Determining Your Love Language

Have you ever thought about what your love language is? For those of you who don’t know, your love language is the way in which you express or receive love. This love language idea was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, whose book, The Five Love Languages: The Secrets to Love That Lasts, outlines 5 languages in which people express their love: Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Knowing what your love language is can help you determine how you communicate your love and appreciation, and can potentially improve your relationships with significant others, family, and friends.

Today, we’re excited to share a quick 6-question quiz, so that it can determine which love language you may have. It’s important to note that you may identify with more than one language, and that’s okay. Our quiz is a great way to see which languages you lean towards. Ready to find out what your love language is? Keep scrolling…

1. I express love by…

A) Telling someone how much I love and care for them. I verbalize my thoughts frequently and try to let them know how much I appreciate them. B) Helping someone out with a task, project, or activity they need help performing, like cooking dinner or folding laundry. C) Giving someone gifts. They don’t have to be extravagant, just something that lets them know I really care for them. D) Planning and taking time out of my schedule to see someone, because I enjoy their company. E) Frequently giving someone affection. I’m someone who likes to show how much I care with a hug, kiss, or even a hand on their shoulder.

2. I feel loved when…

A) Someone gives me words of encouragement, and tells me when they appreciate me. B) Someone helps me out with something, like painting my walls or running an errand for me. C) Someone gives me a gift. It’s a thoughtful and meaningful gesture that I appreciate. D) Someone spends time with me. Everyone has such busy schedules, so I appreciate when someone takes the time out to see me. E) I get a hug or a kiss from someone I love.

3. Which of the following ideas from Lauren’s brands and blog resonates with you the most?

A) A Totally Custom Candle from The Little Market labeled with a heartfelt message that carries meaning. B) Having someone help with decluttering a room in your house or provide entertainment for your kids. C) A creative care package or gift box filled with goodies from The Little Market or new skincare products. D) Time together—crafting, shopping (LC Lauren Conrad of course), or even just watching a movie! E) A cozy spot to snuggle my rescue pet or loved one—you’re a big cuddler!

4. It’s Valentine’s Day. I would love it if…

A) Someone told me how much they love having me in their life on such a special day. B) Someone took something off of my plate for me, like prepping all the food for dinner. C) Someone gave me a gift, like a bouquet of flowers or my favorite cookies. D) Someone took the day off of work to spend time with me. E) I got hugs and kisses from someone I loved very much.

5. I’m having a bad day, and someone makes it better by…

A) Talking through my emotions with me, and letting me know that it’s okay to feel down sometimes. B) Making me a cup of tea or my favorite dessert to make me feel better. C) Giving me a book of poems to help get my mind off things. D) Sitting down with me to watch a movie or work on a puzzle. E) Holding my hand to let me know they support me.

6. For a friend’s birthday, I usually…

A) Call them first thing in the morning to wish them Happy Birthday and write them a card detailing how much I appreciate them as a person. B) Doing something nice for them, like picking up a few packages for them. C) Gift them that bracelet they’ve been talking about nonstop. D) Plan to spend the day going to their favorite shops. E) Give them a big hug because I care about them so much!

If You Got Mostly A’s: Words of Affirmation If you got mostly A’s, your love language is likely Words of Affirmation, which means you love hearing verbal acknowledgments, words of encouragement, and even frequent calls or texts from someone important in your life. You love verbal communication and want to hear aloud what someone is thinking.

If You Got Mostly B’s: Acts of Service If you got mostly B’s, your love language is likely Acts of Service, which means you love when someone performs an act or service for you. Whether it’s picking up dry cleaning, or taking a task off your errand list to help you get through the day, you really appreciate when someone takes the time to help you out.

If You Got Mostly C’s: Receiving Gifts If you got mostly C’s, your love language is likely Receiving Gifts, which means you love getting gifts from loved ones, no matter how small or large. It shows that someone knows you and really cares enough to give you something special.

If You Got Mostly D’s: Quality Time If you got mostly D’s, your love language is likely Quality Time, which means you love when someone takes the time out to spend time with you, whatever the activity may be. You love that someone blocks out time for you.

If You Got Mostly E’s: Physical Touch If you got mostly E’s, your love language is likely Physical Touch, which means you love when someone shows their love physically, whether it be a kiss, hug, or hand on your shoulder. Your love is manifested through being near or being able to physically touch the significant people in your life.

There you have it. Whether you identify with one or a couple of these love languages, we hope that they help you learn about the ways in which you like to communicate your love with the important people in your life.

[ansgar-martinsson]

The Best Intentions - Part 3

The Best Intentions

Part 3

“It is no imposition, believe me,” Ansgar replied. “As much as I despise the fact that your building is suffering problems, I do enjoy solving them now and again.” He surreptitiously allowed his gaze to follow the path of her hands as they straightened out the denim of her skirt. He saw a strength in her movements, a power in the way her muscles shaped beneath the fabric - a power matched by her forthrightness. Not overwhelming, mind you… not false… not pretentious… just… present. This one - she knew what she wanted and how to get it, that much was obvious.

And admirable.

“Perhaps,” he continued, “you would like to change into something more suitable for structural investigations before we begin.” With his eyes, he indicated the Louboutin pumps, still lying discarded on the stage floor. “Why don’t I go take a look at the sprinkler heads installed backstage, and you tell me where to meet you when you’re done.”

Jo’s comfort came in the form of a pair of old broken in trainers (stained with paint from the tech shop), faded, ripped jeans (exposed knees from load-in from her last theatre job in Paris) and a ratty, old, black short-sleeved t-shirt (sprinkled with holes). She kept a wardrobe on hand in her office for days like this. Box office days, she dressed smartly, prim, proper for all the old biddies spending their pension on Puccini. Tech days, she wore black from head to toe. On opening and gala nights, she felt at home in a little black dress or a gown. Dressing for an office meeting felt like work.

The computer and its dancing screensaver called to her in the corner to research the lighting issue. The ramifications meant long hours of interviewing new candidates for her design or technical team. But that would have to wait… the rest of the repairs needed another pair of eyes, the haunted blue of the engineer. Something weighed on him, a brooding quiet, a dark hurt, a something that she couldn’t quite read yet.

She breathed a sigh of relief as the oh-so-soft denim whispered against her skin. She blew a kiss at her borrowed Louboutins, promising another night in them… soon-ish. She returned to find Ansgar wandering around backstage, making notes on a clipboard, knocking on walls with his fist, shining his torch this way and that, and testing the pulley system for the flies.

“Thank you,” Jo said announcing her presence, “I… this works.” She threw her arms out beside her palms out, displaying a tattoo on her left forearm. “Much more me for days like this.”

“Where do you need me?” he tucked his notes under his arm. His gaze followed her arm and the flash of color he saw.

“Ah, under the stage.” She pointed below her feet. “The sprinklers may have caused water damage? The hydraulics for the turn table works only when it wants.”

“Temperamental,” he commented with a chuckled grunt. He took control, leading them off stage right to the staircase for the other area. “Have you used the pyrotechnics down there?”

Jo followed closely at his elbow, anticipating questions about the integrity of the areas she showed him. “Not since… not last season.”

“Any of the directors turn in specs for it for the upcoming?”

She shook her head though he didn’t look at her. “Not yet. The designers haven’t either. We still need to find a team for The Flying Dutchman.”

Jo asked Ansgar to look over the box seats and the arrangement of it. The dip of the seats had started scaring some of the older audience members, fearing they’d fall into the orchestra below. The wall between dressing rooms seven and eight had begun to warp. The floor in the rehearsals spaces needed patching and sanding. She toured through with a careful ear listening to his tips and concerns, and possible hidden agendas amongst her crew.

When they were through the laundry list of items, Jo found some relief. She stood at the top of the orchestra, hands gripping the back of a red velvet seat. “I love my work, Herr Martinsson. I haven’t an ounce of talent of my own, but I love this place. I’d love to see it sparkle again. And so would Harold.”

Ansgar stared, his focus narrowing on her. “I’m sorry. Harold?”

“The opera ghost,” she teased. “He’s been with us the entire time.”

He humored her and offered her a good natured laugh, stepping in to stand beside her, looking over the sea of red. He placed his hands on the seat beside her. “Well, Joline… and Harold… I think I can help.”

She looked down and quieted the tiniest of swells of disappointment in her belly when she saw a wedding ring on Ansgar’s left hand. Attractive men were always married; she should know, she’d married one. “We both appreciate it. Harold and me.” She pushed a smile to her lips and brushed his shoulder with hers.

“Well,” he said, “we’ve a duty to our ghosts; to make sure they’re happy with the things they’ve left behind, don’t we?” Ansgar’s speech slowed as he spoke, the impact of his own statement not lost upon him.

His thumb, in an autonomic motion, tucked into his palm, the tip of it rubbing against the underside of the golden band that remained around his finger.

“I’m sure Harold will be supremely happy,” the woman by his side quipped. Ansgar’s lips quirked into a small smile, partly at her praise, partly at the fact that she had missed his passing discomfiture altogether. Or so he’d hoped.

In further hope of distraction, he raised his clipboard, running his finger down the list he’d made. “Well, Froken Lindberg,” he said, “if that is all of the issues, then, I think I ought to get back to the office and get this to my project manager. Get her on contacting the subs and suppliers immediately, get warranty claims made and bond claims if need be.”

“You mean Froken Wiessing?”

“No,” Ansgar shook his head. “But I think… well, Julia and I will have some other things to discuss.”

“Anything I need to worry about?”

Ansgar looked down at her and smiled. “Not anymore. Listen,” he said, “I apologise for all of this happening, I apologise for my company being so unresponsive, it’s… it’s not like us… not like me at all. Quite the opposite.”

“I know,” she shrugged. “It’s fine. It’s all being sorted now, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is,” he affirmed. “Are you sure?”

“Well,” she grinned up at him. “There is one more thing you can do.”

“Name it,” he challenged.

“Take me to lunch. I’m starving.”

Ansgar laughed. It felt good to laugh again… very good. Truly, honestly good. “Of course,” he bowed his head, smiling. “You name the place. It’s the least I can do.”

Jo discovered Carousel her first week as House Manager. The Mediterranean outdoor café suited her low-key wardrobe and Ansgar’s higher end threads. The grilled rib-eye tasted of heaven on a plate but Jo loved making a meal of the appetizers instead of gorging herself on mains. As she angled into the wooden bench, she wiggled-slid behind the oblong table, “The gazpacho and watermelon should be a sin.”

Ansgar folded himself into the chair at the head of the table, to her left. Grinning at her, he took in the colorful and lively atmosphere. It all seemed so… normal. So ordinary. Comforting normality of his home.

Her voice dropped to a sensual moan. “The sweet and the savory…” She rolled her eyes skyward. The grumble in her stomach wasn’t just hunger but curiosity about her lunch companion and this need to prove herself worthy as House Manager. After months of chasing attention at Martinsson Construction, she now felt consumed by this mad drive to show him that the house and how it ran remained safe in her hands.

“I brought the mockup of our final mailing and advert campaign… the last push to get asses in the seats for the new season.” Ticket sales and revenue secured her position. As it was her first full season as manager, it was final examinations on her worth. “We open in September with The Marriage of Figaro.”

His finger traced along the glossy production photographs of women in wide elaborate frocks and taller wigs. The text read clean and concise, listing titles of the upcoming operas, dates, the box office website, and other means to purchase tickets or sponsor levels. “Impressive,” he nodded.

“Did you get your invitation to the opening night gala? My staff sent them round to all the executives at your company.”

“Uh… no… no. I’ve been away,” he repeated his mantra from earlier. “I’ve not caught up on correspondences. I assume that Britta has added it to my calendar.”

Jo wrinkled her nose, “This is boring to you.”

“Not at all. Your… passion is admirable actually.”

Her wide blue eyes met his and kicked herself for flirting with him. She shouldn’t encourage this. She couldn’t.

But it was one lunch. One lunch couldn’t hurt.

It’s only lunch, Ansgar thought.

But it was true what he’d said, he admired her passion. it seemed to permate every inch of her, seep from her pores. Passion - well, it was extremely attractive. Her passion for her job, her passion for her art - for it was her art, he knew. Even if she wasn’t the Prima Donna, or a visual artist or a composer or even if she wasn’t a musician or a set designer or a lighting designer, it was still her art.

Like his work with steel and glass in structural engineering, he knew her expression of her self came with the craft of engineering logistics.

“Tell me,” he said, stabbing up a forkful of spinach salad, “what’s your talent utilisation style?”

She cocked an eyebrow at him over the rim of her water glass. “My what?”

Ansgar swallowed and nodded. “I mean… your management style. How do you… how do you manage to keep all those….”

“Artistic types in line?” She chuckled. “Sometimes it’s like herding cats… cats who have been rolling in catnip and have eaten an entire bag of Smarties. You just have to know how to use the right toys to fiddle them out and get them to pay nicely together.”

“Oh.” Ansgar laughed. “Sounds a bit like my situation, except sometimes my cats have been chewing on the Valium tablets or tippling at the brandy. Most sluggish, and they simply do not want to come out of their hidey holes.”

She inhaled through her nose. “So I’ve noticed.” She flashed him a closed-mouthed grin followed by a slight cringe at the brazenness of her words.

Which again made Ansgar laugh. “Touche,” he tossed. “Okay, change of subject,” he smirked. “This Gala of yours, this opening night do you’re organising.”

She shrugged. “What of it?”

“Well, I suppose I’d like to know when it is.”

“Why, do you want to go?” Her sudden burst of eagnerness made her grimace. “I mean,” she composed herself. “Do you plan to attend?”

Here goes nothing, Ansgar thought.

“I believe I do,” he said, plainly. “That is, if you will allow me to accompany you for that evening. It’s the very least I can do.”

Jo pushed her spoon through what was left of her gazpacho, watching the bits swirling round the bottom of the bowl. She smirked, her head bounced slightly on the sound of humor. “When I stormed your castle this morning…” She chanced her gaze back up, “I… well, uh… I didn’t think…” she spread her hands wide and circled around the half eaten dishes they’d consumed, “this would happen.”

Ansgar laughed with her, matching her mirth. The exaggerated and animated gesture unexpected but none the less amusing. He dipped his head in an almost bow. “Admittedly, this wasn’t my agenda for the day.”

She pointed upwards and nodded, dropping the last of her pride, and then shrugged, “It was the least I could do.”

The imitation of him was spot on and he gave into a good-natured chuckle at his own expense. He’d extended that precise statement to her more than once, to assuage his guilt, to be the attentive and present CEO that he should’ve been, to be the man he believed himself to be. “Fair play, fair play.”

As their laughter faded, Jo addressed the elephant that sat between them, pink and plump and ripe for a tickle. She chose her words carefully, mincing them so as not to wound or offend. “I don’t want your obligation.”

Then she waited, stealing another glance at the ring on his left hand, curled around a pint.

Don’t entertain it, Jo. Not for a breath, not for an afternoon, not for a thought or some scorching hot sexual fantasy. Your mother had a sense of humor, naming you after Dolly Parton’s other woman, but don’t be that woman, Jo.

You’re not that woman.

Clearing her throat, she covered her pause and stray thought. “Well, that’s not entirely true. I do actually want your obligation.”

This was met with a furrow of his brow and his fingers brushed the sexier than sin stubble at his chin.

“My professional self would feel satisfied… I’d get off—I’d celebrate it!”

Pull it together… Jesus, Jo!

“As CEO of the company that built my building,” she carefully spoke without a trace of arrogance, “I absolutely want your obligation. But me? Jo, me?” To illustrate her point, she splayed her hand over her heart, inadvertently accentuating her breasts. “She… she doesn’t want your obligation.”

Ansgar lowered his pint from his lips, his movement slow and controlled. He seemed to consider her words as if each one were a bead of condensation that hung on the glass. “I think you’ve misunderstood me…” That was the moment he struggled with a way to address her.

“I understand it. Your company and your name are in jeopardy, but I’m not looking for that kind of publicity. I won’t say anything to the press. As long as the work in the theatre is fixed by opening,” she waved her finger between them, “we’re sorted. Hell, make it a restoration special, to the press if you want… your good deed for the community, for Stockholm. We’re square.”

Ansgar couldn’t help but smile at her take on his invitation. A diplomatic and thoughtful, perhaps even pragmatic solution to the complication that brought this woman trampling down the door to his office. If he read her correctly, he’s piqued her interest, if the lack of drink thrown in his face were a sign. She remained his lunch companion, another indication that he hadn’t piqued her anger. He couldn’t use work obligations to spend an evening with her.

Using a different tactic, he began, as his grin intensified, “Well, as long as we’re square—“

Before he could say anymore, she cut him off, “Hey! I got an obligatory lunch for my efforts.” She grinned over a piece of seasoned bread she shoved into her mouth. “That was the least you could do. My gala,” she shook her head, her speech muffled by bread, “would go above ‘the least.’”

[funkymbtifiction]

Fe from an Fi-dom’s perspective

SUBMITTED by askdacast

This may be kind of a ramble, but I just had some thoughts about how to understand the differences between an Fe-user and an Fi-user, and I had an epiphany I thought I’d share with people.

Some context: I’m an INFP, and for the longest time my understanding of Fe-users boiled down to ‘what even’. It took me a while to realize I had something of a cognitive bias - I’ve met one too many unhealthy ESFJs in my life that I began attaching negative connotations to Fe (thank you tert-Si). My mother, comparatively, is a rather healthy ESFJ, but with our differing dominant functions, we were gonna have those inevitable conflicts and misunderstandings. Ironically I never had problems with my non-dom-Fe friends - an INTP, an ENTP, countless ISFJs. But nevertheless, I, an Fi-dom, for the longest time, held many negative perceptions of Fe-users. You know the ones: “Fe is manipulative, Fe cares more about harmony, Fe don’t hold strong opinions” yada yada.

But after mulling over things more, and trying to verbalize how exactly my Fi even works, I realized again the golden rule of MBTI: it’s not about what you do, but WHY you do it. And with that, I began to understand more and more that Feelers aren’t as different from each other as we might think! So let’s lay the groundwork.

First, let’s get this out of the way:

We all have emotions. All of us.

Doesn’t matter if you’re a user of Fe or Fi, Feeler or Thinker, emotions are part of the human experience. 

Most people WANT to make other people happy, hate seeing people suffer, and want justice to be done.

Your MBTI type doesn’t determine this - to have emotions is to be human.

Of course, for Feelers, this is a 24/7 process, thinking about the emotional needs of others and self, thinking about what’s right or wrong with the world. Not that Thinkers don’t, or find it less important, but Feelers make this process their whole life.

And this is where Fe-users and Fi-users are more alike than we think. What’s the common description of Fi-users? We value sincerity. We value being true to ourselves. We follow a personal standard. Yeah, no we don’t. The descriptions are true, but that’s not the end. We don’t just follow our standards - we craft them. Agonize over them. When we know how something makes us feel, all we got are questions. Is this right, is this wrong? Am I feeling the right way? Is this  the right way to feel about things? If not, what can we do? What can we do to make ourselves right? It’s that inferior-Te man. Much like Ti-users and their internal logical framework of the world, Fi-users make an internal framework of right and wrong, befitting of the world we see and the emotions we feel. We can be hard on ourselves if we don’t think we are following those standards. Conversely, we paradoxically sometimes aren’t hard on other people and their standards (especially if they make the same moral failings as us). Because everyone’s emotions are their own, because they need to come to their own understanding of right and wrong. That’s why we are known for upholding individuality.

Here’s the funny thing though. Fe-users? They do the same. They have a sense of right and wrong too. They care about people too - of seeking justice and making things right. The difference is they don’t observe their own hearts first - they observe other people’s. Are other people in the right way? Do they feel a certain way about things? What makes other people happy, or sad? Are these things right or wrong? Some people think Fe is not opinionated, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. If someone else is in pain, they know immediately. They see it, and they will not stand for it. Why? Because they know  almost instinctively what makes people happy, sad, angry, fearful, all of it. And they feel those things too. This is where the “Fe harmonizes with other people’s feelings” description comes in. But it’s not just about harmony, it’s about taking the external standards of right and wrong as your own.

And now, every stereotype we might have of Fe-users makes a little more sense. With this understanding, I can better understand some of the misconceptions of Fe:

Fe-users are superficial?

Gotta admit, this was my biggest roadblock (along with a dash of intuitive bias). You know how some Fi-doms accuse Fe-doms of being ‘fake’? The unhealthy ESFJs I’ve met almost *enjoyed* being fake. Boasting about their achievements in big groups, emotionally blackmailing people, crying to earn sympathy, enjoying affirmation of other people. This must mean they don’t care about what’s really right and wrong; they only care about if they (or everyone else) feel happy, right?

Wrooong. The unhealthy Fe-users, certainly. But the healthy ones? They’re not ‘superficial’ at all - they can acknowledge when hugs and a cry on the shoulder isn’t enough. They understand your pain and struggle is deep. And they want to help you overcome it. That’s how Fe works. They instantly see pain - your  pain - and they act. They aren’t Fi-doms who must mull over their own standards first, see it from their point of view. Fe is about action : making people feel the ‘right’ way, acting on the external world. All the Extroverted functions are like this - and all of them will seem ‘superficial’ to their Introverted counterparts at some point, because they’re about acting, not internalizing. It’s why the Ti gets frustrated at Te wanting results over method, Ni thinking Ne entertains too many ideas, and Si wondering how Se rushes into every experience. The same applies to the feeling functions. But they are not superficial at all, they just try to look outside themselves for the answers ;)

Fe-users aren’t selfish?

Nope, nope nope noooope. They absolutely can be. It’s different from an Fi’s selfishness. Fi says “do it my way, or get out.” Fe says, “if you disagree with me, you’re a bad person, and I’ll shame you into agreeing with me”. Because Fe is an Extroverted function, there is the temptation for them to fixate heavily on an external object. I MUST make THIS person happy. I MUST get everyone to agree on THIS one thing. And if you don’t, well, you’re the problem, not the rest of us. This is also heavily dependent on their perceiving function - are they forcing you to agree to their personal vision (Ni) or their personalized sensory worldview (Si) of good and bad? Compare this to a selfish Fi - I don’t care if you agree with me or not, DO what I  say. Notice the inferior-Te.

Fe-users are manipulative?

Again, the unhealthy ones, certainly. But the healthy ones? Almost every single one I’ve met shuns emotional manipulation and encourages emotional expression. My ISFJ friends are disgusted by abusive boyfriends. My ENTP (!) friend laments about a society where kids don’t have emotional expression. My INTP (!!) friend hates imposing on people; he’s always asking people, “are you  okay with this?” They hate fakeness as much as Fi-doms! Why? Because being fake and selfishly manipulating people is a bad thing. An objectively  bad thing. They care about you, want to make you  happy. Why would they ever want to do something that harms you? Again, the key difference is focus, not behavior. Functions have nothing to do with sincerity or a person’s integrity. Anyone can be selfish and anyone can be selfless. An unhealthy Fi cares only about their feelings, while a healthy Fi considers and respects the feelings of other people. In the same way, an unhealthy Fe wants to make other people feel the way what they  themselves want to, but a healthy Fe wants to make other people feel the way they need  to.

As an aside, on the subject of ISFJs mistyping as xNFPs, I’d like to posit that Fi-Ne can look very much like Fe. What’s Fe about? Connecting to other people’s emotions, instantly feeling what another person feels and why. What’s Ne about? Making instant connections with concepts in the outside world. Fi alone might only know what it feels in itself, but paired with Ne, it can attempt to ‘simulate’ what another person feels. Or at least make a guess as to why.

So there you have it. An incredibly long ramble about Fe-users from someone who doesn’t have Fe. I guess part of me wants to show some appreciation to Fe, as compensation for how many times I’ve misunderstood them :P If there’s one image I can leave behind to summarize everything I’ve written, it’s this: Fe will look at the whole world burning, and be immediately struck by horror. The pain of others is registered immediately. The world is on fire, and they need to do something - now. Fi will look at the whole world burning and not feel a thing - until, and perhaps only until someone they love, someone they care about, or perhaps themselves, is on fire.

(Thankfully I feel like this process happens very early in a healthy Fi’s life. After that happens, they’ll often be championing for world peace side by side an Fe with very little obvious differences! :D)

[beingallelite]

Not only is she one of the leading figures in All Elite Wrestling's developing women's division just four years after first stepping foot in the ring, but she's also done it while completing dental school and starting a full-time practice.

Bleacher Report's Jonathan Snowden had the chance to sit down with Dr. Baker to discuss life, the impact of the Wednesday Night Wars on her relationship and the glorious art of professional wrestling.

He also reviewed the best match and promo of the week, took a look at the latest offering from DK Books, tracked the latest battle in the war between AEW and NXT and consolidated a week's worth of wrestling events to catch you up on anything you might have missed.

Join us every week for Off the Top Rope and Bleacher Report's exclusive access to the biggest stars in the sport.

Dr. Britt Baker, DMD, on AEW's Women's Division and Her Crazy Double Life

The trip to Pittsburgh was about two-and-a-half hours each way—and Britt Baker drove it once a week in the summer of 2014, her conscience heavy with guilt. In the fall, she would start dental school at the University of Pittsburgh. Her life seemed settled.

But professional wrestling had a hold on her heart and wouldn't let go. So she got into the car anyway, driving to class at the International Wrestling Cartel to begin her tutelage in the esoteric art of wrestling, a secret hidden from family and friends in her gossipy home town.

"I was so terrified that my parents were going to hate this that I didn't tell them for five months," she tells Bleacher Report. "I was correct. They were less than thrilled. It's not that they were especially discouraging. It's just what every parent would say. 'Britt, you have a guaranteed successful career ahead of you. You've been accepted into one of the best dental schools in the world. You could get hurt in the wrestling ring and your dental career could be done. Do you understand what you're doing?'"

Stubborn as only a highly capable person in their early 20s can be, Baker was convinced she could learn both crafts simultaneously. She took on what might be a truly unique double major: learning to fix teeth by day and pretending to knock them out by night.

"Wrestling kept me sane during dental school," Baker says. "That was the hardest time of my life, and I don't know how I would have made it without the distractions of wrestling to keep me afloat.

"I would be sitting in the back of my dental implants class, secretly watching Raw from the night before while trying to pay attention in class. And when I was on the road doing wrestling shows, the guys that I would train with would help me. Andrew Palace and Darren Genaro would be flashing me notecards to help me study for an exam.

"I'm setting up the ring and we take a break to study. There aren't many friends like that in the world, people who would use their breaktime to help you study instead of going to get a cheeseburger up the road or just taking a minute to themselves. I was so fortunate early on with the people I surrounded myself with in wrestling."

When she's introduced now as "Dr. Britt Baker, DMD," there is a sense of pride. Unlike most wrestling gimmicks built around a trade, Baker comes by hers honestly. And while most wrestling dentists are bad guys, she hopes fans might make an exception in her case.

"It's my favorite part of every match, the moment I hear that," she says. "It's an affirmation. Yes, that is who I am. I am Dr. Britt Baker, DMD, and I'm a professional wrestler.  I don't mean to brag or boast, but I love the recognition for it.

"It was hard. I went to school for eight years to be a dentist. Sorry if the person in the fifth row doesn't like it and thinks I should be a bag guy because people hate the dentist. People might not like the dentist, but they do like people who chase their dreams."

Baker was brave enough to chase two. And now, living in Orlando, Florida, with her boyfriend, NXT champion Adam Cole, she maintains what would be a back-breaking schedule for most, somehow maintaining her career in the ring and a burgeoning dental practice without seemingly missing a beat.

"Both of my worlds are very understanding of the other," she says. "I have an agreement with the dental office I work for that we'll be closed on Wednesdays. Because I'll be in whatever city AEW Dynamite is in. And AEW is OK with me flying in super-late Tuesday night after work or even early Wednesday morning. They are also really good at getting me on the first flight back to Orlando Thursday morning. I get right off the plane and go to work. I am still able to work four days a week as a dentist."

Right now, she is careful to keep her two worlds apart. While she'll talk to patients about wrestling if they bring it up, she's aware that many people might find her dual roles off putting. Sometimes, however, what happens in the wrestling ring isn't easily contained in the ring. Take, for example, a black eye suffered recently at the hands of her burgeoning rival, Bea Priestley.

"The black eye was very interesting," Baker says. "I was getting pretty creative just hiding it. I had my mask on most of the day and we use dental loupes, which are magnifying and have a little light on them. I made sure I had those on all day. Because, it's a whole thing. 'Oh my gosh, what happened to your eye?' and 'What do you mean you're a professional wrestler? I didn't know this!' So, I tried to make it an easier day."

While a black eye can be manageable, more serious injuries pose potential problems in both fields. Earlier this year, her parents' worst fears came true when Baker suffered a major head injury at an AEW pay-per-view in Jacksonville, Florida.

"For five days, I could not see out of the outer corner of my eye," she says. "I had no peripheral vision. It was just black. That terrified me. Doc Sampson, our head doctor for AEW, would call me every day. He's an excellent physician. And, every day, I was so frustrated.

"I was starting to wonder if I was going to be OK, but he was very reassuring, explaining that this is a concussion symptom and I would eventually get my vision back. He told me, 'You got hit really bad, really hard, but it's going to be OK.' But people can tell you that all they want—until it actually comes back, it's scary.

"You can't see and you need your eyes for everything. Especially being a dentist, working in someone's mouth and even drilling on their teeth. I was terrified. Obviously, I couldn't work in the dental office when I couldn't see. That's a lawsuit waiting to happen and not safe. So, it was tough.

"But that's the nature of the game in professional wrestling. People get hurt. It's not ideal, but it happens. Accidents happen. It was a reality check reminding me, 'Hey, be careful.' But, at the same time, I love it. And, when you love what you do, you can accept the risk."

On Wednesday, Baker fought Riho for the AEW Women's Championship, an enormous accomplishment for a woman just four years into her professional career with a mere three weeks on television.  

"It's very stressful and exciting," Baker says. "It's baptism by fire. You're wrestling in front of 100 people one week and suddenly you're in front of 10,000. I have so much to learn, but I'm in good hands. I feel like I have the best coaches, the best production crew, the EVPs, Tony, everyone who has a hand in this is one of the best people to be working with in wrestling.

"(AEW owner) Tony Khan is super-hands on. He is everywhere and will be texting creative ideas all the time. He's absolutely fantastic. I can't say enough good things about Tony Khan. He makes every person on the roster feel appreciated. He is happy you are part of his company."

There is a lot of experience to lean on backstage at an AEW event, including agents Dean Malenko, Jerry Lynn and Dustin Rhodes. Perhaps the most integral figures for women looking to live up to bold promises about equality and opportunity are Kenny Omega and Michael Nakazawa, dual-lingual wrestlers who help the contingent of Japanese competitors like Riho communicate with their American counterparts.

"Kenny Omega has a huge role in the women's division," Baker says. "He agents a lot of the matches and he's brought his passion for the Japanese joshi wrestling to our world and it's amazing. I don't have a ton of experience with joshi wrestling, but I love it.

"I'm learning from Kenny by watching how he puts matches together. How lucky can I be? That was one of the selling points for AEW to me when Brandi and Cody (Rhodes) told me he'd have a major role with the women's division. I was a huge fan.

"I was the girl staying up all night to watch Wrestle Kingdom even though I had class the next day. Now I work with Kenny Omega, one of the best wrestlers in the world and a creative genius. Some of his ideas just amaze me. There seems to be no end to his creative insanity."

Baker's rise in the sport comes as Cole reaches new heights of his own in NXT. The two are equally wrestling-obsessed and watch the rival company's competing shows together the day after the events. But Baker admits the dueling Wednesday night broadcasts aren't ideal.

"We are texting and calling each other for encouragement right up until the moment we go out the curtain," she says. "It can be a little heartbreaking when it's the biggest night of his career or the biggest night of my career and we can't be there. Because we're each other's biggest fans and, as a fan, you want to be there and feel the energy. You want to experience it. So, it's a little discouraging.

"But we sit at home and watch each other's matches. We actually watch each other's whole show. We support each other's company. My boyfriend is basically best friends with The Young Bucks, so he's very supportive of All Elite Wrestling."

Baker, like most in AEW, keeps a watchful eye on fan reactions. She's noticed some grumbling among hardcore fans, upset that the promotion hasn't featured women as frequently as they have men. But she urges patience.

"You have to take it with a grain of salt when people, for lack of a better term, bitch and moan about what is and isn't on the show," she says. "Fans are always going to find a reason to grumble. They want one thing week one, you give it to them week two, and then they don't want that anymore. Some fans are very hard to please.

"AEW, we're still so new, so I encourage people to sit back, relax and kind of breathe with us. We're going to give everybody what they want. Sure, there's only one women's match on the show. But maybe there is only one tag team match, too. Enjoy it, let us establish what our brand is, then form your opinion.

"Right now, it's fresh and new. Try to enjoy the ride."

Britt Baker returns home next week on AEW Dynamite as Pittsburgh temporarily transforms into Brittsburgh.

Match of the Week: Kenny Omega vs. Joey Janela (AEW Dark)

In AEW storylines, Kenny Omega is struggling to find his way. After losing to Chris Jericho in a grueling bout at Double or Nothing in May, he was unceremoniously destroyed by a debuting Jon Moxley.

It was enough to send Omega into a tailspin, breaking the former IWGP champion mentally and spiritually.

In the ring, though, he is finding his way. Against an opponent with plenty to prove in Joey Janela, Omega raised his game to heights only he can reach. The result was one of the most remarkable matches of the entire year.

It was an unsanctioned bout that didn't count on their AEW records, but the two men wrestled it like it was a pay-per-view main event and not a match on AEW Dark, a YouTube show available for free to anyone.

The bout was a modern twist on ECW, a match filled with high spots, plunder and plenty of both guts and glory. Imagine the very best technical wrestler in the world wrestling Tommy Dreamer in a match where basically anything goes. That was this match in a nutshell—a must-see for anyone who loves wrestling.

Runner Up: Kota Ibushi vs. Evil (New Japan: King of Pro-Wrestling)

Hard Times Promo of the Week: Darby Allin

The first time I saw Darby Allin wrestle, I knew he was a star. Admittedly, I was late to the party. He'd already spent years wowing crowds at super-indies like Evolve, waiting for the opportunity to take his unique energy to a bigger stage.

My first visit to Planet Darby was on a stage so small there wasn't even room for a ring. He and his wife, the wrestler Priscilla Kelly, were taking on another couple in an intergender bar fight. There were maybe 100 people there, and none of them could take their eyes off of Allin and Kelly.

When they closed the match with Priscilla spitting directly into Darby's open mouth, I knew I had to meet him.

His personal magnetism was evident, his weird energy was of the time. He wasn't cosplaying a skateboard kid with a barely disguised death wish. He was that kid on stage and off. Sans makeup and in a sharp black suit the next day, he was every bit as interesting as I'd anticipated.

His energy was even more powerful in conversation, his passion for performing so strong that he couldn't even hope to hide it in a post-modern haze of ennui or irony. Why, he asked, did wrestlers limit their influences to previous wrestling matches and angles? He intended to look all around him to inform his art with the present and not the past.

Although not immediately identifiable, it's this perspective that makes him feel different. Fans are getting a taste of it right now on AEW television.

AEW provided the platform, and Darby used it to make himself the first breakout performer in the promotion's short history. He may not have beaten Chris Jericho for the championship but check back here in six months and we'll count coup then.

Because Darby Allin is a star.

Wednesday Night Wars: Week 3 Showdown Between AEW and NXT

It's Week 3 in the Wednesday Night Wars, as AEW went head-to-head with NXT on national television once more.

The wrestling world has turned its attention to this midweek battle for supremacy and both brands have brought their best.

The result has been a spectacular win for fans. Among the promotions, though, there can be only one winner.

Let's run down each show in the two major categories that combine to create great wrestling television.

Wrestling

As Arn Anderson once said, "it's on the marque." Everything else is built around the action in the ring, and both brands specialize in modern, exciting action.

As is becoming the norm, AEW promised an incredible card and somehow delivered excellence even beyond our expectations.

The best technical match was the barnburner between Kenny Omega/Adam Page and Pac/Moxley. One day after announcing he was still the top performer in the world at AEW Dark, birthday boy Omega teamed with Page to again steal the show.

The Elite beat Pac and Moxley in a slobberknocker that saw all four at the top of their games, a combination of high-flying action and enough storytelling elements to build future matches between the quartet.

But the match we'll all remember was the main event, a star-making performance from Darby Allin, the 22-year-old prodigy who literally wrestled much of the event with his hands behind his back. He gave champion Chris Jericho all that he could handle, even without the use of his hands, forcing The Inner Circle's Jake Hager to interfere and preserve Jericho's reign.

Allin is a star.

NXT has a different approach. Most of the matches don't feel like a big deal, bordering on being simple, competitive squash bouts with obvious winners. They are well-executed, with the winners looking like stars, but it's hard to compare positively with AEW using this approach.

Two bouts stood out: the rubber match between Keith Lee and Dominic Dijakovic and the main event battle of attrition featuring Damian Priest's upset win over Pete Dunne. Lee and Dijakovic have good chemistry, but their clash was marred by a sports-entertainment finish setting up a three-way dance with Roderick Strong next week.

The main event had some mild shenanigans at the end, but it was an excellent back-and-forth contest worth seeking out.

Advantage: AEW

Presentation and Storytelling

This was the best night yet for AEW's commentary team of Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone and Excalibur. The three men are starting to figure out where they fit in and when it's time to hit their spots.

Ross seemed engaged throughout and Schiavone, in particular, always seems to chime in just when he's needed.

There was an excellent vignette that told much of the story I shared in my Cody Rhodes feature piece earlier in the month and set up his title challenge against Chris Jericho nicely. AEW shines here with these videos. Their shoulder programming generally is top notch.

The co-main event set up a match next week between Pac and Jon Moxley and generally made everyone involved look amazing. The main event further cemented Allin as a star of the future while establishing Jericho and The Inner Circle as bad actors willing to cheat to win. Solid, basic storytelling.

NXT did a much better job of building its characters this week and further defining who the key players are and what they're about. Johnny Gargano felt like a big deal for the first time and Shayna Baszler cut one of the best promos I've seen from her, telling a returning Tegan Nox, "Let's be honest, you're running out of limbs to rehab."

When Mauro Ranallo is on, he's one of the best announcers in the sport. An enthusiastic Mauro is a lot of fun to listen to. A Mauro who is trying to namedrop the Brazilian stink bug makes me think about reaching for the mute button. He walks a continuous fine line between excellence and utter disaster.

This show did an excellent job building for next week and teased future bouts such as Io Shirai and Rhea Ripley that have fans salivating. NXT's best effort yet as an overall show.

Advantage: Even

Overall

As good as NXT was, AEW is going to be hard to beat when they are loaded for bear the way they were Wednesday night. No one on NXT can match Jericho, Omega or Cody Rhodes as overall performers, and the undercard wrestlers on TNT are given the time and freedom to make something special of their segments.

Given the opportunity to shine, great talent is always going to deliver something worth watching. So far, AEW has done this every single week.

Winner: AEW

Three-Count: A Look Ahead

AEW Dynamite (October 23, TNT)

Pac vs. Jon Moxley: These two couldn't get along during their tag team match Wednesday against Kenny Omega and Adam Page, and they will settle their differences next week in Pittsburgh. Wins and losses matter in AEW, making this match of particular importance to Pac, who is seemingly close to earning a title shot. Prediction: Moxley emerges victorious after outside interference by a member of the Elite.

Private Party vs. Lucha Bros: Wondering if the Lucha Bros were babyface or heels? Wonder no more. They announced their presence on the villainous side of the ledger with a brutal attack on SCU. They will likely do something equally dastardly to the up-and-coming tag team that upset The Young Bucks in the first round. Prediction: Private Party comes to an end and the Lucha Bros advance to the AEW Tag Team Tournament finals.

SCU vs. Dark Order: We don't know a lot about Dark Order, the one notable failure on the part of AEW's creative team. They've had such a golden touch that the one bust really stands out. Prediction: SCU gets the upset and earns the opportunity at revenge against the Lucha Bros.

[hoeassproductions]

Break A Leg: Chapter 1

MasterList

A/N: Disclaimer, this is a work of fiction. I do not own, possess, or have any links to Chris Evans, nor do I profit off of this work. Any claims otherwise are grossly misleading. This work is not to be posted anywhere else without my explicit permission.

If you would like to be added to the tag list, reply here or send me an ask. I’d be happy to add you! Happy reading!

Word Count: ~1,500

A Chance Encounter

"Mom, how do I look?"

"I think you look alright. Maybe wear different underwear. I can see your panty lines."

"Who's going to be looking at my ass? It's an interview!" I say with a slight shake of my head.

"Exactly! Panty lines look unkempt. Wear a thong. You'll thank me later," as she holds out a nice, lacy black pair she pulled from my drawer. A pair whose matching bra I already had on under my cream blouse and blazer. Maybe a lacy bra is overkill for an interview but it's not like anyone will see it and it makes me feel confident. That's always good in the interview right?!

I grab the thong from my mom's hand and stuff it in my purse. "OK, mom. I have to go. I'll change on the train. I have to go! I'll see you after. Bye." I say as I kiss her on the cheek.

I run out of my house and get in my car. If traffic is light, I can still make my train into the city. I realize on the drive to the station, that I forgot to put my flats in my purse. 

At least I have this thong. Thanks, mom. My ass crack will be about as comfortable as my feet by the time this is over.

I get to the station with just enough time to catch my train. As I get situated in my seat, I go over my selling points as to why I should be the pick for this position. I am in the running to be the stage manager for a small but successful theater company outside of Boston. I've never been confident enough to go for this kind of position. I always wanted to since my days backstage in high school; those are some of my best memories. There's nothing like theater magic to drown out the woes of the world, but graduating and adult realities quickly took over my life. I took a short-term job at a local community college teaching sewing and different crafting projects as an assistant with my mentor, Sarah. That was seven years ago, but she's actually the one that encouraged me to apply and take this interview, despite my reservations.

I can't believe I'm even doing this. It's not like they're even going to hire me.

Wow, way to psych yourself out you in secure bitch.

As my thoughts begin to pester, I realize I'm letting my anxiety get the best of me. I try to refocus my breathing and think positive, affirming thoughts.

You can do this! It's already a good sign that you have an in person interview. The worst they can do is not pick you.

I close my eyes and lay my head against the window for a few seconds. I begin repeating this internal monologue to myself as the train comes to a sudden, halting stop. Everyone in the car begins looking around with questions reflecting in their panic as the conductor comes over the loudspeaker.

"Sorry about that folks. There is some construction on the tracks in front of us and currently all trains are single tracked through this area. There is another train waiting to get through on the other side. Looks like it'll be a few more minutes. If you would like to get out at this stop, the doors will open on your left side momentarily. I should have another update shortly. Thank you for your time."

I look at the map and my watch. I don't have time to sit here for the 20 or so minutes this will take. I'm only three more blocks away than I would be had I gotten off at the right stop. I go to the bathroom and quickly change the underwear. I know it's stupid, but my mom's probably right. And if I'm going for a partial costume designing position, I need to look good too, right?!

I leave the bathroom as the doors open in front of me and I hop off the train. I start walking and regret not grabbing those flats after two blocks. I begin digging in my purse to see if I have a band-aid or something that can help to keep the blister forming on my heel from getting worse for the next three blocks.

As I dig deeper looking down into my purse, I collide with someone as hard as a brick wall, causing their hot coffee to spill down the front of my shirt and the remnants of my purse to go flying everywhere across the sidewalk. I kneel down to begin picking everything up to get it all into my purse as I begin to feel panic settle over me. My heart starts pounding and I'm finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden. I begin shaking, now frantically gathering all of my things, and only just begin processing the front of my shirt. A shirt meant for an interview I have in 15 minutes is now ruined, when a hand comes into the corner of my vision holding out the pair of underwear I was wearing a mere 10 minutes ago. I begin to feel very embarrassed now, on top of the anxious panic from this encounter. Only when I reach out to snatch the garment from his hand does he realize something is wrong.

He helps me up and is speaking to me, but I don't hear a word he says. He takes me to a nearby bench and leaves only to return with a brown paper bag. He hands it to me and I begin taking short, frantic gasps into it. After a few minutes, my breathing returns to even, resting breaths and he hands me a cup of water. "Thank you," I say. "You didn't have to do that." I down the cup of water and feel much better. "Listen I appreciate you doing this. It wasn't necessary of you, but..." And as I turn to face this stranger for the first time, I am met with the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. "...thank you" is all I am able to get out.

"It's no problem really. You seem to be in a rush and it was my fault I wasn't paying attention. Then you were having some sort of attack, so I thought to help. I'm usually on the other end of the attacks, but it helps to know what to do in a pinch." I barely catch what he's saying, except something about me being in a rush and that he has experience with this sort of thing.

Just then, it dawns on me why I'm here and I look at my watch. I have 7 minutes to get to my interview. I tell him that I'm really sorry but I have to go and take off running as best I can in these heels. It doesn't take much for him to catch up to me. I tell him I'm late for an interview in 5 minutes, to which he replies, "Aw, fuck. Now I'm an even bigger dick. I've ruined your blouse by spilling coffee all over it."

I look down for the first time as his words register and realize that you can see straight through my shirt to my black bra. I see out of the corner of my vision, he notices it too. Embarrassed, I quickly begin thinking about how to fix this, when he holds out a dark blue V neck. I make eye contact with him and ask, "Are you sure?"

"It's the least I can do," he says genuinely, as if he hadn't just saved me from my panic attack. I can see seriousness in his eyes and while I ponder the situation, we get to the building where the interview is.

As I go through the revolving door, I notice he follows me. I turn to him expectantly, as he holds out the shirt and offers to guard the door while I change. "You're a total lifesaver!" I say as I hug him and run to the restroom.

I quickly change my shirt and decide to leave a couple buttons undone so you can see the lace edging of the bra. Although not entirely classy, under my blazer it can be considered a little edgy and maybe even stylish. I do a quick once over in the mirror and fix a few strands of my hair.

You're as ready as you'll ever be.

I leave the restroom, only half surprised to see him waiting there. I do a little twirl and say,"What do you think?" As I look at him, he seems to be lost for a second, but then returns with, "Definitely an improvement. You wear that shirt better than I ever could." I blush slightly at this comment and then pull it together.

I give him a quick hug. "Thank you for everything, but I really need to go. Sorry!" I say as I walk to the lobby desk. "No problem!" he semi-shouts at me across the lobby as I give the receptionist my name. She directs me to the 3rd floor and as the doors open, I hear the man shout from behind me, "My name's Chris. What's yours?" "I'm Y/N!" I shout back with a smile as the doors close.

Next Chapter

A.N.: AHHHH! I’m really excited about this so I wanted to get it up quick. I will go through again, and try to fix any errors I may have missed. I actually enjoy writing this, and who knew fanfic author would be one of my titles?! I hope you guys enjoy, and as always, for myself and others, feedback is appreciated. Give me your thoughts about it! Any ideas for whats to come? Maybe I can somehow incorporate them. I have a fairly loose skeleton of a plot line right now, so this story can really go anywhere. I hope we take the ride together!

Tag List:  @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @beccaheartschrisevans @avenger-nerd-mom @mycapt-ohcapt-writes @mad-for-marvel @vanillabeanlattes @captain-ariel-barnes @emilyevanston @thewife101cevans @annvincible@loricameback @plussizeappreciationfics @a-tale-of-two-comics@melodramaticfanatic @writingcreatingstorytelling @kirstie-lotr@mywritingsblog @disney-fire-fox

[caitiehayward-blog]

Be more like Mary.

My grandma was an incredible woman, and I just want to be more like her. She recently passed after battling cancer for the second time, and I’ve been struggling since to figure out how this whole grieving thing is supposed to work. I listened to a podcast recently, and the guest on the show described the process she took after the sudden passing of her mom. Immediately after she heard the news, she quickly wrote down what she was feeling and thinking. Getting the multitude of thoughts and emotions down in a physical space seemed to help her sort through her confusion and pain. So here I am, attempting to do the same. I’m no writer by any means but I just need the world to know about the amazing person I loved, and the way she personified what being a strong woman should look like.

I was sorting through old photos with my mom, and she giggled at the stack she was flipping through. The images were of my grandma as a young woman and her friends clad in leotards, tights, and aged work out gear. Apparently grandma had at one time owned a woman’s fitness center, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the old time-y exercise equipment and cheesy encouragement posters on the walls. I began to think about the different business ventures my grandma sought after, and I realized I never truly appreciated her sense of entrepreneurship and moxie. From owning several craft stores, becoming a floral designer, and being highly involved in her community, my grandma was a woman that loved to work hard. When I consider the tenacity and drive it took to be all of those things, I can’t help but desire to apply that to my own life. To see a dream, recognize the difficult steps it takes to get there, but valuing your passions enough to take them anyway. I want to be able to see my dreams for what they are, a little bit crazy but are attainable with God given strength and a strong community to surround you. I want to dream like my grandma.

The first time that I heard my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, I felt numb. Her outlook was bleak, and time with her was projected to be short. But boy did she prove them wrong. She was later declared cancer free, and in that short time before it returned I could not believe her strength. She defied so many odds and I’m incredibly proud of the way she handled the grim circumstances she was handed with grace and strength. My grandma was a fighter til the end, and I can only hope that I face obstacles in this life like she did. I pray that I can recognize what I have to fight for when life gets rough. Towards the end of her life she taught me that there is always time to affirm others, always time to laugh, and it’s never too late to tell people you love them.  I want to fight hard like my grandma.

One of my dearest friends asked me to tell her a favorite memory that I have with my grandma. I could have listed a multitude of things, but honestly my favorite thing about being with my grandma was feeling her love. Her love was tangible in so many ways. I could feel it in her hugs and kisses on the cheek. I could hear it in her laugh and conversations of affirmation. I could see it in the way she interacted with the people around her and in the meticulous manner she decorated for the holidays. And I could taste it in the meals she prepared for her family and friends. Honestly there will never be a more delicious thing on this planet than my grandma’s caramel rolls. I am fairly certain they could bring world peace, trust me on this guys. Love was infused in her home, her every action, and every word she spoke. I want to love like my grandma.

Endings are difficult. They are inevitable in this life, a guarantee that is hard to come to terms with. But as I look around me right now, I see the trees flowering. I look into the eyes of my niece and nephews, and I see the joy of new life beginning. Just as much as pain and suffering are guaranteed, renewed hope and grace are also fully alive. I have hope that one day my immediate thoughts after hearing my grandma’s name will not be ones of sadness, but of joy and hope of reconciliation. I now pray that I can move forward and live in a way that will make my grandma proud, and I’m so thankful for her beautiful example of what it means to be a woman. Love you always grandma, I cannot wait to see you again one day.

[fadingcoast]

Death Of The Lie  ||  Chapter 12: Diplomacy

AUTHORS: @fandom-and-feminism​​ & @fadingcoast​

Summary: Odin and his daughter Hela are the perfect conquerors of the universe. The nine realms fall one after the other into their clutch. After Odin takes a second wife and has a son with her, he doesn’t need Hela anymore. Hela abandons her father and ends up marrying Laufey, a sworn enemy of the Aesir people. Not long after, she becomes pregnant with Laufey’s child. Odin cannot let that son be born, but against all odds, the boy survives. Odin is forced to bring him back to Asgard to be raised as his own until he could make further use of him. The half-Jotun-half-Aesir boy grows up to look and act a lot like his mother, which disturbs Odin, and makes him treat the boy horribly. Odin’s lies are deep and complex, but one day the boy will find out the truth about everything he is.

PAIRING: None RATING: Teen

MASTERLIST

Feedback is always appreciated and reblogs are encouraged!! Taglist is open!!

Chapter 12: Diplomacy

Loki’s days in Asgard were, to say the least, dull.

After that first catastrophic dinner, Queen Frigga worked on compromises from both parties. Loki agreed to get a new wardrobe for the duration of his visit and Odin didn’t insist on a haircut, to Loki’s great relief. He could see Gwyn traveling all the way to Asgard just to scold Odin for ruining her hard work.

The next few days he spent at the tailors and blacksmiths, getting new clothes and new armor, and he was grateful for the distraction. The palace had already sent the designs, but Loki managed to convince the makers of a few changes, and favor leather wherever it was possible, keeping the heavy restrictive plate to a minimum. Loki knew Odin sent instructions to emulate Thor’s armor, which was good for handling swords and shields, but not daggers. The blacksmith was more than happy to oblige to Loki’s requests, and crafted a beautiful light armor out of golden plate, black leather and green linen. The design was protective but light and allowed freer movement than if he had been encased in metal like his brother.

The specifics from the palace also included a golden ceremonial helmet, with horns that protruded from the forehead and curled up high above his head. But that one was relegated to the darkest part of Loki’s closet where he could forget he ever saw the thing. It was far too garish for his taste, and he would not be caught dead wearing it.

It didn’t take long for Loki to realize how much he craved to be around Erik, to have his unwavering support and feel the warmth of him in his arms. The letters he got every week weren’t enough, but they were better than nothing, he supposed, and they motivated him to keep busy, if only to pass the time faster and stay away from his father.

Loki began to spend his days sparring at the training pit, getting some mobility on his new armor. Or in the library, where he constantly complained about the lack of seidr material and the biased history. Or with his mother, either practising or working on their gardens. It took them a few weeks, but Loki and Frigga figured out a way to get a small creek running on Loki’s balcony, giving him the ambient noise he needed to sleep properly at night.

Spending time with Thor was hard. Loki wasn’t interested in raiding the local tavern on a daily basis, not with Thor’s friends anyway. He wasn’t about to forget all the pain they caused and he was horribly amazed of how indifferent they were to the damage they had inflicted, acting all friendly and chatty, as if nothing ever happened. Loki gave it a try after much begging from Thor, and proceeded to spend the night transfiguring the ale in Fandral’s tankard to lemon water. His simple trick earned him a few laughs from Thor and Sif, but after that he decided to wait to drink with Thor until he was away from his brutish friends. Sif was agreeable enough company but there were times Thor only had eyes for her when she was around, and Loki would be the odd one out.

One particular evening, several weeks into his visit, Loki sat across from Thor at their usual tavern, staring down into his half-full tankard of Asgardian mead with a frown. The drink was bitter compared to the sweet brew typical of Alfheim, but Loki wasn’t drinking for the taste. Thor, picking up on Loki’s mood, tried to perk him up.

“Why don’t you come with us to Vanaheim?” he asked Loki, knowing the answer but putting forth the effort regardless. “Get out of the castle for a while without worrying about your studies.”

Loki peered up at Thor, his grip on the tankard’s handle tightening. “You know how much of a bad idea that would be. Father has not extended an invitation to me, nor do I expect him to, and I will not ask for one.” He saw Thor’s hurt expression, so he removed some of the bite from his voice and continued. “Besides, as future King, this trip is more for you than I. My time will be well spent studying and keeping Mother company. Just wait until you see the brood of daughters the Vanir Queen has. You won’t miss me.”

“I will miss you! Who better than yourself to give me advice on princesses?” Thor winked. Loki rolled his eyes but gave him a small smile.

.-

Tadpole,

I still find myself thinking only of you when I wake, missing your reassuring touch when I suffer my father’s indifference, craving your lips before I go to bed at night. Asgard, for all its beauty, feels empty and dull without you.

My brother is currently on a diplomatic trip to Vanaheim with my father, so the castle is so quiet and peaceful these days that it has allowed me to spend more time in our library for extra study and practice time. It is truly a shame how much is missing from our archives. Almost the whole of Alfar history is gone, and the scholars stopped getting books from Midgard centuries ago. Matters in the palace are just as tense as always when it comes to my father, so he has not listened when I advised him to continue to build the library’s collection.  

Regarding Thor, I wish that you could see how adamantly he still pushes the notion that Sigyn and I are together, or should be. If he only knew exactly how wrong, how blind he is - he certainly inherited Father’s clueless intuition on matters in which he is convinced he is right. Thor is projecting his own infatuation with the warrior Sif onto my life and I will be glad to be away from it.

As the nights here grow cooler and the days shorter, it is a daily reminder that I am closer to seeing you again. For months now I have only been able to get through by knowing I will hear from you soon - but I must express my concern at the extended times between your replies lately. At times it makes me fear the worst, that either we have been found out or you grew weary of loving someone worlds away. Either way, nearly a month has passed since your last letter and nothing would make me happier than to see your neat and precise handwriting, even just a single word on a piece of parchment. Anything to let me know you’re okay.

With love

Longshanks

.-

Loki was getting more anxious the longer Erik failed to reply. But going back to Alfheim was only a few days away, and somehow he managed to convince himself to wait it out. Part of him wished he could depart before his brother and father came back from Vanaheim, but Frigga had already been informed they would be coming back that evening and Loki was to have dinner with them, something he did not look forward to.

Loki left his chambers as late as he could, and walked the corridors slowly. He met a maid on the way, who had been sent to fetch him. He entered the sitting room of the Royal Chambers quietly, avoiding eye contact, though he knew Odin was glaring at him for the delay. Loki didn’t even bother with an excuse and sat down, almost willing himself to blend with the chair’s decoration. He doubted it would make much difference if he did.

“So? How was your trip to Vanaheim?” Frigga asked over the table.

Odin made a concise speech, detailing new trade treaties and dealing with the Niflheim dwarves. Apparently the dwarf King was much more open to negotiations with the Vanir. Loki wasn’t surprised: the dwarves were stubborn and greedy, much like Odin. They would never agree on anything.

Loki’s mind wandered off to his own conversations with King Frèyr, and how he would tackle that problem with Niflheim if it were up to him. Loki came up with a few suggestions, but he knew to keep quiet, since Odin would dismiss him as usual. Thor, instead, was being forcefully made part of the discussion, but Loki could see he struggled with things like diplomacy and basic tact.

Maybe that’s what will become of me when Thor ascends to the throne. Advisor to the King. I’ll do the talking and he’ll do the punching. Better than being the second-best, forgotten Prince.

“Don’t forget the part where you made Queen Frèyja parade all her daughters in front of me…” Thor said, mildly annoyed.

Odin scoffed. “It would be a great political alliance. You need to think like a King now, Thor.”

“I don’t think any of them is truly interested in a political alliance, father. Not even the Queen,” Thor said.

Loki chuckled softly. He had met Queen Frèyja and he could affirm without a doubt, she wouldn’t be.

“Besides, only the eldest one is not betrothed still,” Thor added, taking a large swig of his wine.

“Finja has a suitor?” Loki asked without thinking. Thor looked at him, confused. “Queen Frèyja is King Frèyr’s sister, Thor. I’ve seen her majesty and her daughters in Alfheim many times.”

Thor nodded in realization. “Oh, yes. Is she the youngest one? She got betrothed just recently, to an Ulrik, or Beric - something. Of the noble houses.” Thor gulped down the last of his goblet and motioned the maid to refill it. “You must know him, Loki. He mentioned studying in Alfheim.”

“Erik?” Loki swallowed, trying to hide his shock. “Short one with blond hair?”

“That’s the one!” Thor said. “Quite the fuss, but I wouldn’t know why.” He shrugged.

Loki lost all his appetite, but knew better than to say anything. He could feel Frigga’s gaze on him, but he decidedly stared at his plate, pushing the food around.

This had to be a mistake. Thor couldn’t be serious. Maybe it was one of Erik’s brothers and Thor just mixed them up.

Is this why Erik hasn’t been answering my letters? He’s on Vanaheim?

Thor and Odin kept bickering about it, but all Loki could hear was a buzz in his ears. His heart was pounding and his head started to spin. Suddenly, the whole room felt hot, but Loki did his best to keep normal. The subtle touch of Frigga’s hand on his made him realize that the ice spell he kept on himself stopped working in his despair. Loki shook his head and the spell cooled his clothes once again, making him feel slightly better. Though it wouldn’t stop the lingering pain in his chest.

Once he was back in his room, knowing he couldn’t reach Erik, Loki wrote to the next best person.

Dearest Sigyn.

I hope this letter finds you well.

I wish I could tell you more, but I am in a hurry.

My father and brother came back this evening from a diplomatic trip to Vanaheim, and Thor had the most outrageous news. Princess Finja is to be married, and her betrothed is Erik?

I would ask him directly, but he hasn’t responded to my letters for weeks now.

I can’t risk sending him a letter to Vanaheim, and my teleporting spells only work when I know the exact location or at least have something to build a tracking spell from.

Please, let me know anything as soon as you can.

Loki.

.-

Loki spent most of the night tossing and turning, and was surprised by an almost immediate return letter just the next day after he sent his own, the parchment envelope with Sigyn’s seal appearing on his pillow in a flash of gold seidr. Evidently she had been practicing her teleportation magic. Her reply was brief, scrawled hastily in ink that hadn’t even dried before she folded it up. Dots of the ink were splattered all over the paper. With shaking hands Loki opened it and sat on his bed.

Erik is all right. It’s best that he tells you in person.

-S

It was a bright morning, but everything around him grew dark. He clutched the letter in his sweating hands and held it to his chest, trying to focus on the sound of the running water outside on his balcony to steady himself.

So it’s true, then.

When his maid came to fetch him for breakfast, Loki had her send word that he was feeling ill. It wasn’t far from the truth - in fact, his stomach felt like it was turned inside out - but his mother knew him better. Within minutes of dismissing his maid, Frigga knocked at his door and peeked her head inside. Loki waved her in and he saw she was carrying a bowl of porridge with berries and honey for him.

“I’m not hungry,” he said, his back turned to her.

“Just take the bowl,” she insisted, handing it to him before taking a seat next to him on the bed. “Stir it around. Give your hands something to do while you talk.”

“What’s to talk about? Erik is engaged to a woman he doesn’t love and I’ll never see him again once he marries.” Loki found himself stirring the contents of the bowl and staring at the blackberries as they broke apart and melted in the hot mixture. The smell turned his stomach with its sickly sweetness. “It’s not as if there is anything you or I could do about it.”

“No,” Frigga said softly, running her fingers through the long part of his hair in the back in soothing strokes. “But you don’t have to suffer this alone, Loki. You haven’t lost him yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“I only mean that you can still make the best of what time you have left with him. Unfortunately diplomacy will always take precedence over the heart when it comes to royal families and nobility - no one knows that better than I - but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be with him while you have time.”

Loki sighed, tears blurring his vision as he thought about running out of time with Erik. He had never given proper thought to their future together, whatever it could be, but he didn’t think their future would be snatched from them before they had a chance to figure it out.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Loki mumbled. “I thought for once in my life something would work out. That I could be happy. And for what? Five years? That’s nothing, a breath of time.”

Frigga lowered her gaze to the floor, sadness creeping across her face. “Better five years of something real than a thousand of hoping something real will become of it.” She looked back over at Loki, who was watching her carefully, and wiped a tear from his cheek. “Please eat, darling, things always feel worse on an empty stomach.”

Loki took a bite of the sweet porridge to placate her and was surprised when his stomach growled as soon as he swallowed. Frigga smiled and stood up, giving him a kiss on the top of his head before departing.

.-

Loki was grateful that the following days he was busy getting all his things ready to go back to Alfheim. He avoided conversation with Thor and Frigga, and took his meals in his chambers. The time finally came for him to leave, and Loki took the walk down the bridge alone at dusk after his goodbyes. Heimdall’s knowing eyes watched him until he departed through the Bifrost.

When Loki landed on Alfheim, Princess Sigyn was waiting for him at the landing site. She told him Erik was waiting at the palace before Loki could ask, and they rode back as fast as they could. As promised, Erik was in Loki’s bedroom, wringing his hands, his face red and blotchy. Sigyn gave the pair of them privacy and closed the door behind her without a word.

Erik ran to Loki and tried to hold him, but Loki stepped back.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Erik took a deep breath. “Because I didn’t know,” he said. “Not until my father wrote to me, asking me to go home for the remaining of the season and dropped that bomb over dinner.”

Loki closed his eyes, tears burning to get out. Erik was still explaining something about a confusing situation involving Princess Finja and a stables boy, and an offer made long ago to Erik’s house to be a part of the Royal Family through marriage. Loki knew of such a pact, but they both always thought Erik’s older brother, Stefan, would be the one to fulfill it.

“Loki, you have to believe me, I would’ve never led you on like this…” Erik said, wrapping his arms tightly around a very stiff Loki. “I couldn’t exactly tell them my heart already has an owner, like Stefan did.”

“I do believe you,” Loki muttered, slowly leaning into Erik’s embrace and holding the back of his neck. He buried his face in Erik’s hair, taking in his sandalwood scent he had missed so much.

“Will you be leaving?”

Erik looked up and shook his head softly. “Not yet. I said I wanted to finish what I started. My mother wasn’t happy, but they allowed me to remain here until the end of this course.”

Loki stroked Erik’s cheek. “10 years. It’s not enough.”

“It will never be enough, but it is what we have.” Erik started playing with the strings of Loki’s tunic. “Besides…” Erik gulped hard, mulling over what he wanted to say.

“What?”

“Loki, you know this is doomed. It has been doomed from the very start. No matter how much we want this to last forever, it can’t.”

Loki knew Erik’s words were true. Just as his mother had said, diplomacy takes precedence, and it wasn’t just Erik. Loki was a prince, and as prince he was expected to fulfill a role that didn’t allow him to marry Erik, or any other man for that matter. Least of all on Asgard, where such unions were not only frowned upon, but still illegal under Odin’s law.

“We can still make the best of what time we have left.” Loki repeated his mother’s words with a weak smile, and leaned his forehead against Erik’s.

“I love you, my longshanks. Don’t you dare doubt that, ever.”

“I love you too, my tadpole.”

Lifting his chin up, Loki kissed Erik slowly, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close. Before long, the kisses grew heated and hungry, leaving them breathless.

“Maybe I should - go,” Erik breathed out.

“Not yet,” Loki muttered against Erik’s neck, nipping and kissing the soft flesh under his ear. Then traveled back to reclaim his mouth.

Erik gripped Loki’s shirt, undoing the laces as Loki walked him backwards. Once his knees hit the bed, Loki took hold of his hips and sat him on top of it. Wordlessly, Erik slid his hand under Loki’s shirt, making him break the kiss in surprise. Both were panting. Loki took Erik’s hands, shaking in anticipation.

“I- really- really should leave,” Erik repeated, biting his lip.

Loki shook his head, and removed his tunic slowly.

Erik never left Loki’s room that night.

.-

<< Chapter 11  –  Chapter 13 >>

@igotloki​ @xalgaliareptx​ @fairlightswiftly​ @christy-winchester​  @silverhart93​ @claiming-loyalty-to-loki @honeybournehippy @unseelie1963

[docholligay]

Thanks for kind words behind the cut

sphinxfeathers replied to your post

“I’m a little nervy about the con/my life right now, so if anyone had...”

Your stories always make my day. Having been a fanfic reader and writer for many years, I’ve seen a lot of people come and go in the fandom and your writing is by far the most amazing and emotional. I hope someday that you write a book and I will be able to enjoy it.

Thank you so much, this is so kind

verbforverb replied to your post

“I’m a little nervy about the con/my life right now, so if anyone had...”

Your fiction always makes me smile. Your non-fiction always makes me think. Your eye for detail in both is incredible, and I find the way you describe the craft of writing incredibly interesting and useful as well. And writing aside, you're kind of an amazing role model and also hilarious, A+ would yell at about eurovision again.

Thank you so much and I swear if the UK ever wins eurovision (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) I’m going to be there and we’ll figure out a way to go. 

@themiscyra1983 said: 

Your canons have supplanted actual Sailor Moon and Overwatch canons for me, and did so BEFORE J.K. Rowling finally drove me into full on ‘death of the author is a valid practice we should all as fans adopt like crazy’ mode, so that’s the regard I hold you in, and I’m sorry I can’t come to Toronto but I’m sure you’ll be awesome.

Thank you so much! I love so much, because I am vain, when people tell me I *am* Overwatch to them, and this is the first time I’ve ever heard it about sailor moon and I am THRIVING.

@skylineofspace said: 

I find your honesty and integrity incredibly admirable, and your advice and example has helped me a lot to be better and more satisfied in my own life. Have fun at the con, and be there very slightly nicer Michiru we all need.

ahaha, THANK YOU. THis was so sweet. 

rhiorhino

replied to your post

“I’m a little nervy about the con/my life right now, so if anyone had...”

Idk if like this is weird or cheesy or w/e but I really look up to you a lot, as like a writer and a person, and I've gotten a lot more confident pushing myself to talk about wlw and stuff just from saying "my friend doc and her wife jill" "my buddy, her wife is a vet and-" y'know, stuff like that. It's really helped me push myself to be more open, through you kind of? I really appreciate your frankness and willing to be open about hard truths and what's *needed*  Not just what's *wanted*  I’m like a super anxious and “shaky pink thing” in general but just being in chat with you and jet and everyone, y'all were immediately welcoming and funny and I really enjoyed myself tonight. It was super fun!!

No,this isn’t cheesy, this is LOVELY, thank you so much! And you were a delight!

@notesfromtheidiotbox 

I enjoy your writing and bought Overwatch partially because of them. I adore your fried chicken recipe. And I enjoy that you take no shit from anyone including yourself. You intimidate me, but I still like seeing your thoughts on things even if I haven’t heard or, or even have any interest in them. You are truly unique. The hard-drinkin’, straight-shootin’, fast-writin’, femme-as-hell-but-tough-as-nails, Lesbian Queen O’ the West. -The one, the only Doc Holligay! Yeehaw

THANK YOU SO MUCH also that part made me laugh so hard ahah. 

@sittingoverheredreaming   Your writing had honestly made me such a picky reader, you’re one of the only authors anywhere that has a style I’m super into (I love how artful you are and how much your phrasing and word choices make me think) AND content that I’m starving for. There’s so few works that make me feel the way your fics do. I’ve had maybe a handful of novels and short stories ever even come close. You’re amazing, as a writer and as a person.

I feel so weird about whether I’m a good writer or not, and this is so wonderful and affirming andlovely. Especially since I know you studied writing too! 

madegeeky

replied to your post

“I’m a little nervy about the con/my life right now, so if anyone had...”

You're one of the most talented writers and brilliant public speakers I've ever had the honor of interacting with. Listening to you speak about something your passionate about is mesmerizing in a way I've never experienced before. I could listen to you talk about the things you love for hours.

Thank you so much this was so kind!! 

I am also, and will forever be, angry that you made me love Tracer and her Winston so completely and utterly. Because that’s just how good your writing is: you dragged me kicking and screaming into a fandom I don’t even play the game for. And I’m so happy you did because I love Tracer and Winston and this world you built. But I’m also still angry. ;) 

AHAHAH YES YESSSSSSSS THIS IS MY LARGER GOAL IN LIFE (and her Winston, god do you know how to kill me)

Your writing is so beautiful and so glorious. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but you have a way with images that’s breathtaking. Your fics are so amazing and intricate and beautiful that I don’t read them when I’m sick because I’m scared I’ll miss something and I don’t want to miss anything. I currently have a while backlog and I’m so very excited for when I can finally catch up.

Thank you so much and thank YOU for always leaving such amazing comments. 

You’re one of the bravest people I know. Sometimes, when I know I need to do something but it seem too big and too scary, knowing that you’d do it even if you felt the same way helps me get it done. I admire your gumption tremendously.

WELLNOW I HAVE TO BE BRAVE AND DO THIS DON’T I

@taperwolf  I like your writing: fiction, nonfiction, and scribbleage. You’re consistently interesting, entertaining when you want to be. I think of you when I think of good people.

Thank yoU!!

@paksenarrion-reader  you taught me a lot, and pushed me to seek out more knowledge. Thank you for that.

Thank you!!

@shavedjudomonkey  You’re a person I look up to. I don’t always share your opinions, but you’ve helped show me that that’s okay, and if I’m going to believe the things I do, I need to be willing to step up and defend them.You’ve also encouraged me as a writer. Thank you.

No, cause if you agree with me then you’re stll not doing your research and thinking about stuff! I totally WANT you to come to your own conclusions and disagree sometimes!! Thank you!

  @Mizunosakura You’re an amazing writer, whether it be non-fiction, fanfiction, or commentary, they’re all amazing to read and really engaging. You’re honestly a super interesting person and I always love all your posts even if I suck incredibly when it comes to commenting.

Thank you so much! 

@keyofjetwolf  Whoever bid on those Metallica cassette tapes hasn’t paid yet, and I’m pretty sure now they aren’t going to, which means I made less than ten bucks on about thirteen hours of feverish hard work. That comes out to about 77 cents an hour, but doesn’t factor in the fifty cassette tape shipping boxes that I bought in an act of both obscene optimism and critical overestimating.  In conclusion, I spent half a day peddling my garbage to no one and paid for the privilege, THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT

Everyone was very sweet but you took the prize for something that made me laugh no less than every single one of the three times I read it.