#all of these are from my notebook while i was traveling over the summer!
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leviathiane · 2 months ago
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All my traditional doodles for my killugon fic, the world in a spray of seawater!
Here's the digital doodles!
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joelmillerisapunk · 11 months ago
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Italy ~ let go and let daddy
soft daddy!Joel x f!reader
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Masterlist ♥︎ Soft Daddy Masterlist
Wordcount: 4,915
Summary: As your adventure begins, it becomes clear that Joel is determined to make this the best summer of your life.
Warnings: 18+, unprotected p in v, f oral receiving, lots of soft daddy stuff - like so much, use of 'baby girl, good girl, my girl, baby, daddy', reader has breasts and wears a dress, just Joel doting on you so so hard. The endinnnggggg 👀🤭
Notes: Hi friendinos! Thank you for waiting so patienly for this! I wish I could write them here forever so I could have them see more, but Joel has a short timeline to show reader the world, shining, shimmering, splendid.
Joel's song for this entire AU: To Be With You - Mr. Big
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As you start your summer adventure headed to Italy, you can feel the excitement building up inside of you. You never expected that you'd be traveling the world let alone with an older man like Joel, a man you've only been seeing on and off for a short while, but as you think back to your time with him, you know that he's going to take care of you, and you can't wait to see what kind of adventures he has planned.
Joel's plane tickets are first class, and as you board the plane, you can't believe how luxurious everything is. You're immediately struck by the opulence of the interior. The plane is decorated in rich, warm tones, with plush leather seats and polished wood accents.
You notice the attentive service. The flight attendants welcome you aboard with warm smiles and promptly offer you a glass of champagne. You feel like you're dreaming. The most you've ever been offered on a normal flight is a packaged biscuit and half a can of cola.
As you settle into your seat, which feels like an entire room, you can't help but feel pampered. The seat itself is incredibly comfortable, with ample legroom and a built-in massage function that you take advantage of immediately. The entertainment system is state-of-the-art, with a wide selection of movies, TV shows, and music to choose from.
And just when you get settled, you're presented with a menu featuring dishes prepared by a Michelin-starred chef, complete with wine pairings selected by an expert sommelier. You opt for the seared scallops with cauliflower puree to start, followed by a tender filet mignon with truffle mashed potatoes.
Obviously the food is impeccably presented, and each bite is a symphony of flavors. You feel like you could get used to this. As the flight attendants clear away the food Joel suggests watching a movie together and after a brief disagreement about which one to choose, him wanting action, you wanting something a little less intense, he finally relents and decides on watching "The Notebook," a movie that he knows you love. However, he takes forever trying to line up the movie on his device so that it plays at the exact same time as yours.
"Come on, Joel. Just press play already," you say, giggling.
"Okay, okay. But I want to make sure we're synced up perfectly," he responds, trying to fix the timing one last time. “Okay press play on yours in -” he pauses to look over at your screen and then back at his, “in 5 seconds.”
“Yes sir.” You wink at him.
Finally, he presses play, and as the movie progresses, you find yourself getting lost in the story you laugh, you cry, and you even find yourself holding Joel's hand during the more emotional scenes. Joel is surprisingly engaged in the movie, laughing at all the right moments and making thoughtful comments about the characters and their motivations.
You can't help but feel a warm glow spreading through your chest as you listen to him. You've never felt this close to anyone before - not like this, at least. You find yourself getting lost in Joel's gaze, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, the way you can almost hear a southern twang when he laughs too hard.
He suddenly glances over, looking at you, his eyes are filled with warmth and tenderness. You feel a flutter in your chest, and you can't help but smile.
"What?" he asks, grinning.
"Nothing. I just... I'm happy,"
"Me too, darlin'. Me too," he says. "I'm glad you're here with me.”
"Me too," you whisper, feeling a sense of contentment wash over you.
Throughout the rest of the flight, you're constantly amazed by the level of service. The flight attendants anticipate your every need, making sure your glass is always full and your needs are met. Even the bathroom is luxurious, with plush towels and premium skincare products.
As you prepare to land, it's clear that Joel has pulled out all the stops to make this trip unforgettable.
When you arrive, Joel has arranged for a private car to take you to your destination and as you ride through the winding streets of Italy, you can't help but feel like you're in some kind of dream.
When you step out of the car, you're immediately struck by the beauty of the where youre staying. The architecture is a stunning blend of modern and traditional Italian styles, with intricate details and ornate accents that reflect the country's rich history. The grounds are immaculately maintained, with lush gardens, sprawling lawns, and a picturesque courtyard. As you enter the lobby, you're greeted by a warm, inviting atmosphere.
The hotel staff is impeccably attired, with friendly smiles and welcoming words. They escort you to the check-in desk, where you're presented with a chilled glass of prosecco and a warm, freshly baked cookie. The check-in process is seamless, and as Joel finishes with the receptionist, she provides you both with a detailed itinerary of the hotel's amenities and services.
-
After settling into your private villa, you can't help but marvel at the incredible space as you start to walk around. You've never seen a place so big. The living room is spacious and inviting, with plush sofas and armchairs arranged around a crackling fireplace. The dining area features a table that can seat at least ten, with crystal china and silverware already laid out for your convenience. The bedroom is a true sanctuary, with a comfortable king-sized bed adorned with plush linens and pillows. A flat-screen TV hangs across from it on the wall. The ensuite bathroom has a deep soaking tub, a separate shower, and a dual vanity area and is stocked with luxurious bath products, including high-quality soaps and scented candles. And just as you think you've seen it all, you discover a fully equipped kitchen, a home office, and a private patio with an outdoor grill and dining area.
The pièce de résistance, however, is the private pool off the bedroom, which features a stunning infinity edge that seems to blend seamlessly into the ocean beyond.
After you spend some more time exploring the Villa, Joel interrupts you, leading you out to a separate balcony that overlooks the ocean and picturesque view. He stands behind you, his hands wrapping around your waist.
You both stand there enjoying the moment before you say something, “what a beautiful view, huh?”
But Joel's not paying attention to the view. He's studying you, how you look so surprised and happy. He never takes his eyes off you when he replies, “sure is darlin’, nothing more beautiful.” He pauses for a moment longer. “Now come with me." He grabs your hand and leads you to the massively oversized bed and helps you sit down on the edge. He has a mischievous glint in his eye, and you can tell that he's excited.
“Alright, close your eyes.”
You do as he says.
He quickly starts moving a small table in front of you and positioning boxes and bags onto it.
You hear the rustling of tissue paper and your curiosity peaks.
“Okay - open.”
Your jaw drops in amazement. In front of you are an array of beautifully wrapped boxes, each one perfectly tied with a satin ribbon. In addition, there are bags from some of the most exclusive designer stores in the world, Gucci, Prada, and Versace. Joel smiles at your reaction.
“Joel, this is too much, I -”
Joel interrupts you before you can finish your sentence. "No, no, darlin'. It's not. I want you to have the best of everything. You deserve it. Just open ‘em, please." He says, almost desperate.
You look up at him a little unsure, before slowly getting off the bed like you're trying to be quiet.
“Here,” Joel intercepts with a box, he can still see your clear reservations about all of this.
You're overwhelmed by the sheer luxury of the items inside. There are designer dresses, shoes, handbags, and accessories, each one more beautiful than the last. You try on a few pieces, and they fit you perfectly, as if they were made just for you. But you can't help feeling a mix of emotions. On one hand, you're overwhelmed by the generosity and thoughtfulness of Joel's gifts. You've never had anything this extravagant before, and you can't believe that someone would go to such lengths to make you feel special.
On the other hand, you can't shake the feeling that you don't deserve any of this. You've always been a simple girl, content with the basics, and never really needing much more. You've never been one to indulge in luxury, and the thought of wearing designer clothes and accessories makes you a little uneasy, like a fish out of water. But as you look up at Joel, you can see the joy and excitement in his eyes. He's clearly thrilled to be able to share this with you. You can't bring yourself to disappoint him. So you push your reservations aside and continue to try on the beautiful items, smiling and thanking him with each new gift.
"Joel, these are all so beautiful. I don't know what to say."
"Say you'll wear them for me,"his eyes are sparkling with excitement. "I want to see you in all of these beautiful things. You deserve to feel as special and loved as you are, darlin'."
You can't help but be touched by Joel's words. You've never felt this seen or appreciated by anyone before. You take a deep breath and push your reservations aside once again. "Okay, I'll wear them for you," you say, smiling up at Joel. "I can't believe you did all of this for me."
“I can’t believe how damn good you look, baby.”
Joel's face lights up with each outfit change. He wants to help you try them on, but you force him to stay while you run in and out of the bathroom, piecing each option together.
As you try on the last item, a stunning designer gown that fits you like your fairy godmother had magically placed it on you, you stop to look at yourself in such disbelief that this is even happening. When you step out, Joel takes your hand and spins you around, looking you up and down.
"Better call NASA because you're out of this world, darlin." Joel's face is filled with admiration as he takes in your appearance. "Wow, just wow, takin’ my breath away. Can't wait to show you off."
You feel your body get warm with pleasure at his words. You've never felt this beautiful before. The dress really is stunning, and it makes you feel like a million bucks.
After trying on all of the beautiful clothing and accessories, you and Joel decide to head out for a romantic dinner at a local Italian restaurant. The food is delicious, and the atmosphere is warm and intimate. You can't help but feel grateful for this amazing experience and for the man sitting across from you. As the night wears on, you can see the exhaustion setting in on Joel's face. He's been going nonstop since you arrived, making sure every detail of your trip is perfect.
"Joel, why don't we head back to the hotel? You look exhausted," you suggest.
"I am a bit tired, darlin'. But I don't want the night to end just yet. How ‘bout we head back and I'll run you a bath?"
You can't help but feel a surge of love for this man. He's always taking care of you, always making sure you're happy and comfortable. "Only if you join me," you say, smiling at him.
“Wouldn't have it any other way.”
As you make your way back to the hotel, you can feel the tiredness setting in on your own body as well. The day has been a whirlwind of excitement and new experiences, and you're looking forward to a relaxing bath.
When you arrive back at the villa, Joel guides you to the bed. You sit on the edge, feeling the comforting pull of the bed beneath you. You're about to reach for your shoes, but Joel grabs your wrist and kneels down in front of you. “Let daddy take care of you.”
Joel starts to undress you slowly, taking his time to savor every moment. As he removes your shoes, he kisses your feet gently, causing you to giggle and squirm with delight. He then moves up to your legs, gently rolling down your stockings and kissing your thighs as he goes.
“You deserve to be taken care of, baby girl. You've had a long day, wanna make sure you're comfortable."
"Thank you, Daddy," you say, smiling down at him.
Joel's face lights up at your words. He stands up and takes your hand to help you to your feet, he turns you so your back is facing him and he slowly unzips the your dress, his fingers brushing against your skin as he goes. The fabric slides off your shoulders, revealing your bare skin underneath. Joel can't help but let out a low whistle as he takes in your bare shoulders and the curve of your back.
"You're so beautiful, darlin',"
He helps you step out of the dress, carefully folding it and setting it aside. He then turns his attention back to you, slowly sliding your bra straps down your arms, and unclasping it in the back. Then he works your panties off. You feel a shiver of pleasure run down your spine as he undresses you. It's like he's worshipping your body.
Once you're completely naked, Joel helps you onto the bed, covering you with a soft blanket and tucking you in. He leans down to kiss your forehead, his lips lingering on your skin. "Be right back, darlin'. I'm gonna run you a bath and get everything ready," he murmurs.
You nod, feeling a sense of warmth and safety spreading through your chest. You snuggle deeper into the blankets, your mind drifting as you wait for Joel to return.
Joel returns carrying two flutes of champagne. He sets them down on the bedside table and then helps you up from the bed. He grabs the drinks, and you make your way to the bathroom. The tub is filled with steaming hot water and scented bubbles. Candles flicker on the edges, casting a warm, inviting glow.
Joel holds your hand as you step into the tub, making sure you don't slip. Once you're settled in, he hands you a champagne flute. "For you, my love," he says, his eyes sparkling with affection.
The name catches you off guard. He's never called you something so - relationshipy. But you try not to think too much about that and take a sip of the champagne, feeling the bubbles dance on your tongue. It's the perfect complement to the warm, soothing water.
Joel joins you in the bathtub. He sits down behind you, his legs on either side of your body. He takes the washcloth and begins to gently wash your body, starting at your shoulders. His touch is tender and loving, and you can feel your body relax under his ministrations.
As he washes you, he praises you, telling you how beautiful and sexy you are. He tells you how much he loves your body and how much he loves being with you. His words are like a balm to your soul. He moves up to your hair, massaging your scalp with his fingers. It feels so good that you can't help but let out a soft moan. Joel smiles. "That's it, darlin'. Let go and let daddy take care of you.” As he moves down and washes your neck, he leans in to press a soft kiss to your skin, causing you to shiver with pleasure.
"You like that, baby girl?" he murmurs, his lips brushing against your ear.
"Yes, daddy, feels so good," you whisper.
Joel smiles, pleased with your response. He continues to wash you, moving down to your shoulders and arms. Massaging your muscles with the washcloth, helping to ease any tension or knots. His hands move down to your chest. He washes your breasts gently, taking care to avoid your nipples. You can feel your body responding to his touch, your breasts feeling sensitive.
"Daddy.." you moan, your voice filled with longing.
"I know, baby," Joel replies, his voice low and husky. "But, I want to take care of you first. You deserve to be pampered."
He moves down to your stomach and hips. He's meticulous and thorough, making sure to cover every inch of you. As he reaches your thighs, he pauses for a moment, his fingers lingering on your skin.
"Can I wash you here, darlin'?".
“Yes please.” You're so turned on that you can feel yourself trembling with anticipation. Joel smiles, pleased with your response. He washes you gently, his fingers exploring your folds with care.
His fingers keep rubbing over your clit again and again, and you can feel yourself getting closer to the edge. "Daddy, I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." you moan, unable to finish your sentence.
"Shhh s'okay," Joel replies, his voice soothing, as he kisses the top of your head. "I've got you baby."
With those words, you let yourself go, your body shuddering with pleasure. Joel holds you close, his free arm wrapped around you as he whispers into your ear as you come down from your high, “there's my good girl, always so good for me.”
As you come down from your orgasm, you can't help but feel a little embarrassed at how loudly you moaned. But Joel's gentle touch and soothing words help to put you at ease.
"You're so beautiful when you come, princess," he murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to your shoulder.
As the water starts to cool, Joel helps you out of the tub and wraps you in a soft, fluffy towel and leads you to the bed, helping you to lie down on your back.
All you can do is let out a contented sigh as you relax into the bed.
"Does daddy need to take care of his baby?” he asks.
You nod, unable to speak. You're stuck in some kind of love haze, and all you feel is calm and euphoric.
"S'okay baby, you don't have to think about anything, just relax, let daddy do all the work.” He hums as he starts to massage your shoulders, working out any knots or tension that you might have. His strong hands move down your arms. You can feel your muscles melting beneath his fingers. As his hands move down to your chest, he pauses for a moment, "Can daddy play with your tits, baby?"
“Mhmm..” You lightly moan
He starts to massage your breasts, his fingers teasing your nipples until they're hard and sensitive. You can feel yourself getting wetter with every touch.
As his hands move down to your hips and then your thighs, he finds your sensitive nub and starts to rub slow circles over the bundle of nerves. Your breathing becomes frantic, “Daddy need you inside me, I- fuck -”
"I know, I know, my princess, but first you gonna come all over daddy's fingers, arentcha? Dont worry m’gonna take real good care of this beautiful pussy."
Joel's fingers continue to work their magic, building you up to the brink of ecstasy once again. You can feel yourself getting close, your hips bucking against his hand as you chase your release. "That's it, baby," Joel murmurs, his voice a low growl in your ear. "Let daddy make you feel good."
With a final thrust of his fingers, you come apart, your orgasm crashing over you like a wave. Joel holds you close, murmuring words of love and praise as you ride out the waves of pleasure. “Oh, I know, I know, I gotcha baby girl, you're okay daddy's here.”
When you finally come down from your high, Joel begins to kiss his way down your body, his lips leaving a trail of fire in their wake. He pauses at your hips, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on your skin as he looks up at you.
"You're so damn perfect, darlin'," he says, his voice filled with awe. "Daddy’s gonna have a lil snack now, okay?"
You nod your consent, your breath hitching in your throat as Joel's mouth descends on your clit. He licks and sucks, his tongue exploring every inch of you as you writhe beneath him. It's overwhelming, the sensation of his mouth on you, his fingers inside you, and you can feel yourself building up to another orgasm already.
"Daddy, I'm gonna come again," you gasp, your fingers threading through Joel's hair as you hold him close.
"Come for me, baby," Joel murmurs against your skin. "Soak daddy's face.”
With a final thrust of his fingers and a flick of his tongue, you come undone, your orgasm shuddering through you like an earthquake. Joel stays with you, his mouth on you as you buck around, until the last aftershock fades away.
When he finally pulls away, he crawls up your body, his lips finding yours in a passionate kiss. You can taste yourself on his lips, and it only serves to heighten your desperation for him even more.
"Need to be inside you, darlin'," Joel growls. "Need to feel you wrapped around me."
“Please daddy, please.”
He gently caresses your cheeks with his large hands. The sensation feels similar to being in a sensory deprivation tank, making you feel calm and warm. His hands cradle your face like it's made of the most delicate china. “Shhh, baby, I'm here, m’gonna give you whatcha need,” he says before kissing the top of your forehead, letting his lips linger there for a moment.
He pulls away and positions himself at your entrance, his eyes locked on yours as he pushes inside, inch by inch. You're so wet, so ready for him, that he slides in easily, filling you up in a way that makes you feel like you're home.
Joel starts to move, his thrusts slow and deep. You wrap your legs around his waist, pulling him closer, deeper. You can feel the tension building up inside of you again, the coil of pleasure in your belly getting tighter and tighter.
"Daddy, I - I can't, gonna come again," you gasp, your fingers digging into Joel's shoulders. The feeling is incredibly overwhelming this time as Joel's rock hard cock fills your walls, it feels like he could break through and rip you to shreds.
"Yes baby, come for me," Joel growls, his thrusts getting faster, harder. "Come for daddy.” He never takes his eyes off you, “That's a good girl.”
As your orgasm crashes over you, you feel yourself clenching around Joel's cock, your walls pulsing in time with the waves of pleasure. Joel lets out a low growl as he feels you coming, his thrusts becoming more erratic as he chases his own release.
"Fuck, darlin'," he groans, his fingers digging into your hips as he pounds into you. "I'm gonna come, baby."
You can feel him swelling inside of you, his cock twitching as he gets closer and closer to the edge. With one final thrust, he comes undone, his release filling you up in a way that makes you feel impossibly full.
Joel collapses on top of you, his heavy weight making you feel warm and safe and secure. eventually, he shifts his weight, so he's beside you and wrapping you in his arms. "My princess," he murmurs, stroking your hair lovingly. You look up at him, your heart pounding rapidly in your chest. His brown eyes gaze down at you.
Your hand reaches out, your fingertips running along the side of his face, his stubble scraping against your skin. Joel leans down, his nose brushing against yours, his lips inches from yours.
"Thank you," you say softly. You want to thank him for being there for you, for loving you unconditionally, for taking care of you, and giving you everything.
"There's nothin' to thank me for,” he replies tenderly. "I couldn't be happier than I am right now, havin' you in my arms."
You rest your head against his chest, your eyes fluttering closed. You're not sure how long you lie there, but eventually, you start to feel the pull of sleep. Your eyelids grow heavy, and your breathing evens out.
When you wake up, you're not sure how long you've been asleep, but you feel refreshed and energized. Joel is still lying beside you, his arm still wrapped around you.
"Hey, sleepyhead," Joel murmurs, his voice thick with sleep.
"Hey," you reply softly, turning to face him.
Joel's eyes are still closed, but he's smiling. "How'd you sleep?"
"Like a baby," you reply, snuggling closer to him.
Joel's arms tighten around you, and you can feel his heart beating faster. "Good," he murmurs. "I have a surprise for you."
You look up at him, your curiosity piqued. "What is it?"
"It's a surprise," Joel says, his eyes still closed. "But I think you're going to like it."
You wait patiently, your mind racing with possibilities. Finally, Joel opens his eyes and sits up. "Come on, get dressed," he says, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.
You do as he says, slipping on a pair of jeans and a cute top. You're not sure what Joel has planned, but you're excited to find out.
When you're ready, Joel takes your hand and leads you out of the Villa. You follow him through the lobby and out onto the street. Joel leads you through the winding streets, pointing out different landmarks and telling you little stories about each one.
Eventually, you come to a small courtyard, tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the city. In the center of the courtyard, there's a wall covered in locks, each one engraved with the names of two people.
"This is the wall of love locks," Joel says, his voice soft. "Couples come here to declare their love for each other, and then they throw away the key."
You look up at him, your eyes wide. "That's so romantic," you say, your heart fluttering in your chest.
Joel smiles at you, taking your hand. "I want to add our own lock to the wall, if that's okay with you."
You nod, your eyes filling with tears. "That would be amazing, I've always dreamed of seeing this. "You say, your voice thick with emotion.
Joel leads you over to the wall, and you pick out a lock together. You engrave your names on it, along with the date, and then you secure it to the wall.
As you throw away the key, you feel a sense of finality.
Joel's face breaks out into a wide smile, pulling you into a tight embrace. As you stand there, surrounded by the love of the people who came before you, you can't help but feel a sense of unease and happiness mixing together.
Eventually, you make your way back to the hotel. Joel pauses in the lobby, “Hey, you head up, princess, just need to check on something at the front desk.” he hands you the key card and watches you disappear into the elevator.
He walks up to the front desk, “hello Mr. Miller, how can I be of service?”
“Just checking in for a delivery, small box?”
“Ah, yes, it was just delivered. One moment, sir.”
The receptionist heads into a room behind the desk, not long before coming back out with a small box in their gloved hand.
Joel takes the small black box and opens it, staring at the stunning ring nestled inside. He knows that he's found something special with you, and he's not going to let it go. He's going to make sure that you have the best summer of your life, and he's going to make sure that you never forget him.
Thank you so much for reading! Where should they go next?
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traffic-was-a-b1tch · 5 months ago
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wrapped around your finger
(jake kiszka x reader) 18+
author’s note: I RECOMMEND NOT READING THE SUMMARY BEFORE READING THIS FIC! if you want to have the full effect of the story, don’t spoil it for yourself! now for those of you who don’t know, along with gvf, I am a huge 5 seconds of summer fan. I wrote this fic based on one of their unreleased songs (my favorite of all time), wrapped around your finger. I recommend reading the fic first and then listening to the song on youtube after. I loveddd the experience of writing this fic because I got to live out the events of the song through my own character and I think that’s always fun! anyway, enjoy the story!
summary: jake takes you out for a night you’ll never forget. but when the morning comes, will he still be the man you thought he was?
warnings: SMUT!, unprotected p in v (WRAP IT UP!), oral (f rec), loss of v card (unknowingly), cursing, theft, angst, arguing, misogyny, underage drinking (I do not condone)
• • •
the clock read 6:37 pm and you were just coming back up to your room after mom’s chicken and rice dinner.
you had to kick a few boxes of pictures to the side on your way up the stairs. the new house was pretty but still unfamiliar. it had only been 4 months since your parents uprooted you from everything you knew and moved the family to california for your dad’s new job. the transition was tough at the beginning, but now was just boring. you had nothing to do. ever.
you plopped down on the edge of your bed that wasn’t covered in papers. you had decided to leave all your homework piled there, too lazy and overwhelmed to continue anymore. if mrs. turner thought that you were gonna finish her set of 50 algebraic expressions by monday, she was on crack. it was friday, damn it. why was everyone being so freaking difficult lately? couldn’t you catch a break? you eyed the pictures displayed on your wall, the contrast and vibrancy made you break into a small smile. you wished you were out taking pictures. you hadn’t got a chance yet, to capture your new city on film. it was calling to you��but so was your notebook and pen. you glared at them, frustrated. you needed something other to do than homework right now, but still you reluctantly grabbed them, starting on the next problem.
you don’t even know how much time had passed while you were scribbling math before you heard the tiny click. perking your ears up, you looked around to see what made the noise. you scanned around you. nothing in your room was out of the ordinary. the closet door was open as well, letting you see clearly that nothing was hiding in it. you suspiciously looked around one more time before going back to your equation.
so, if x equals the equivalent of 172 radical 4…
another click.
you recognized the direction the sound was coming from then, head focusing in on the window near your bed. you waited, wanting to see what was going on. after a few seconds, a pebble came flying up and smacked into the glass.
you got up and walked over to the window, peeking out to see if you could catch a glimpse of the person, at least you hoped it was a person, down below. a shadowed body was barely visible, the face too dark to tell any features.
damn it. you were hoping you wouldn’t have to do this. you were barely dressed in pjs, definitely not for unknown guests, and you had no makeup on.
slowly, you unlocked the window and pulled up, sticking your head out. just then, a rock came hurling up at you fast. you gasped and ducked, the solid circle traveling through the air and into your room. luckily for you, it landed on the carpeted floor so it didn’t make much noise. the last thing you needed was your parents to know someone was outside trying to get your attention this late in the evening.
you hesitantly peeked your head back out, seeing a pair of empty hands waving.
“hey! sorry!” a man’s voice called up, too loud when considering your parents’ keen ears.
“shhh”, you whisper-yelled back, “who’s down there?”
“it’s jake, from english”, he lowered his voice a little, “sorry for being so loud, I just wanted to see what you were doing tonight.”
you were a bit shocked and wondered if you had heard correctly. he wanted to see what you were doing tonight? what did that mean? I mean, you and jake weren’t particularly friends. sure, you saw him in class or the halls and he joked about teachers with you, but you wouldn’t say you two were friends. you definitely weren’t on the “show up at my door after dinner and throw rocks at my window, why don’t you” level. so, you had no clue why he would be here. you knew you didn’t have friends yet, but a childish thought popped in your brain. what if he liked you? no, that’s stupid. you hadn’t ever had much action back home anyway, so to think he liked you already when you had just gotten here was a delusion. but still, the question stood. why was he here?
“well, I was working on mrs. turner’s packet. I’m probably going to try to finish it tonight”, you hesitated, “why? what are you doing here?”
he finally came into view, stepping underneath the light shining from your bedroom. you took him in and became almost speechless. he was clad in dark denim jeans and a cream long-sleeve shirt halfway tucked in, buttoned only up to his nipples, where they would be anyway (you weren’t thinking about his nipples, definitely not), and completed with a ball cap. you had never really saw him like this before, relaxed and rugged. maybe it was just the soft yellow lights from your room that made him look this handsome. definitely the lights.
“well I, uh, was in the area”, he began, “you know, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?”
what? the hell? you couldn’t help but think that jake being outside your window asking you to hang out was just a cruel joke. or maybe, just maybe, it was fate? what if him being here was for a reason? what if this random hang out with a new classmate would be the best thing for you? the thought ate at your logic-loving brain. you had to tell yourself to shut up.
“um”, you thought for a second, “I’m not exactly dressed to go anywhere.” you laughed a bit awkwardly, looking at your pink rainbow pajama set.
“come on”, he urged, opening his arms out wide, “live a little.”
his words hit you. you hadn’t really had a social life lately, having no real time to get friends or join extracurriculars. you almost gasped when you realized.
you were lame.
sure, you never were the life of the party, even back home. but you wanted to be. you wanted to be the girl that people envied. with this move, you could make cooler decisions and nobody would know better.
“you know what, fine. where are we going?”
he broke out into a grin, “it’s a surprise.”
a twinge of doubt and fear hit your brain but you shook it away. maybe he was right. you needed to live a little.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you changed quickly into a pair of jean shorts and a white t-shirt. grabbing your phone, you snuck down the stairs, past your parents’ room, and out the door.
you met him in the backyard, his back leaned up against the side of your white house. he seemed a bit taller than you remembered, towering over you.
he smirked, “you ready?”
smiling slyly back, you replied with a nod.
he cocked his head to the side, pointing to the direction you two were going to walk. you followed him, still a bit nervous but powering through. you hated the idea of not being cool enough to do fun, spontaneous things like this. he led you to the road and you started making the trek to wherever you were going.
“soooo”, he put his hands in his pockets, “where did you move from?”
“georgia.”
“ahhh, southern girl huh?”
you laughed, “yeah I guess. not too obvious?”
“nah. I would’ve guessed east coast, but now that I look at you”, he took in your appearance up and down, “you have that southern belle kinda look.”
you rolled your eyes with a smile, “oh really? what about me says southern belle?”
he shrugged, “you look sweet.”
you shut up at that. you weren’t sure why a small compliment from him would shake you up so much, but you couldn’t deny how attracted you were to him.
he chuckled, “what? I can’t say that? ok.” he shook his head with amusement, “you have any plans coming up?”
you shook your head almost immediately and laughed, “I don’t do much.”
he smiled and laughed with you, “well, there’s a party tomorrow night at jenny stewart’s house. I heard it was gonna be fun so i’ll probably go. you should come, it’s at 9.”
you fought the urge to raise your eyebrows in surprise at him. was he really flirting? instead you just nodded and said “maybe.”
he smirked and changed the subject, “so how are you liking santa cruz?”
you reflected on the time you’ve spent here and became underwhelmed. “well, the people are nice”, you slightly tilted your head towards jake, making him smile. “and…I don’t know. I haven’t made many friends yet and kinda get caught up in school, I guess. I haven’t had a chance to really experience everything here.”
“mmm. well, then I guess it was a good thing that you have me tonight.”
he stopped at a crosswalk and grabbed your shoulders. it caught you by surprise, and you tried not to shiver at his touch. “I have a question for you.”
“yes?” you answered a bit too quickly.
jake looked down before making eye contact, “can I have you tonight?” you immediately raised your eyebrows in confusion, and he continued, shaking his head. “can I have your time? show you what is great about this place?”
a small smile tugged at your mouth from his thoughtfulness and you nodded.
“yeah?” his eyes looked hopeful and sweet as he became excited, nearly jumping for joy. he settled a bit before saying, “ok, first things first:”, his eyebrows jumped, “race ya.”
he took off down the crosswalk, the sign still illuminated with a red hand. he was fearless, dodging two cars to make it to the other side. before you could talk yourself out of it, you chased him, nearly screaming when a car honked his horn at you loudly. when you caught up, you pushed him playfully and he laughed heartily. the rest of the walk was about 10 minutes, silence non-existent. he’d managed to get you to open up. you talked about your life in georgia, your old friends, your school. he filled you in on what happened in santa cruz before you. the conversation was easy and fun, flowing freely.
he led you to a mcdonald’s, the golden arches shining above you. this was a bit surprising, as you didn’t exactly picture a mcdonald’s being a particularly important part of santa cruz.
“follow my lead”, he smirked as he pulled the door and went inside.
there were a few employees inside mopping and a couple in the kitchen. jake swaggered up to the register and dinged the bell on the counter in front of him. one of the employees in the kitchen walked over and mindlessly asked what he would like to order.
“two big macs please”, jake said a little too confident, “and two drinks.”
the worker handed you two the cups and left to get the burgers.
“hey”, he whispered in your ear, “get me a coke, will ya? i’m gonna initiate phase 2.”
you looked at him questioning, but he waved you off and you listened. you went to the fountain, filled your cups with soda, and when you turned back around you saw what jake was up to. he was slinking to the part of the store that an employee had just mopped and, because there was no wet floor sign, turned back to you and winked. with one move he flung his head back and pulled his feet up, falling on his back, hard. you put your arm over your mouth to cover your shocked mouth. you started to giggle a bit at what just happened and jake, groaning, jerked his head at you to come over. you got the hint and gasped before setting the drinks down and rushing over to him.
“oh my gosh! are you ok?” you rubbed his arm as he twisted and turned in mock pain.
“oh no! no, no, no! I am not ok! who would have known that they were mopping there? there was no sign! oh, my back! having no sign for a slippery floor is so dangerous for your customers!”
you nodded and then shook your head, “so dangerous!”
by this time, all the employees had stopped to see this and the manager had come out to see what was going on.
the manager rubbed his bald head as he took in the scene and asked, “are you ok, sir?”
“no”, jake answered, “i’m not ok! I got hurt because of your negligence! i’m gonna sue!” jake crossed his arms and you followed, trying to seem genuinely mad.
“well, don’t do that!”, the manager bent to help jake up as he chuckled uncomfortably. “we can offer you coupons or free food or-“
jake, standing with a stuck up look on his face, cut him off, “I would imagine that my meal today is free!” he thought for a second. “in fact, I would like additional food to help with”, he fought back giggles, “my healing.”
“of course, of course”, the manager snapped his fingers at the employees. “whatever you need, sir!”
you two proceeded to order just about everything on the menu.
“…and two mcflurry’s”, you added at the end. out of the corner of your eye you saw jake smile at you, full of an emotion but you weren’t sure which it was.
only a few minutes later, all your food was in bags and you were walking out the door with too much to carry and zero money lost. as soon as you two were out the door and around the corner, you started laughing hysterically.
“when you- I didn’t know that you would- that was-“, you laughed.
he did too, smiling at you and then doing something unexpected: he put his arm around you. you tried not to let it phase you, clutching the food a bit tighter, but you loved the weight of his arm around your shoulder.
“you know, i’m surprised that you got into it as much as you did. you don’t seem like a troublemaker.”
you rolled your eyes, “well, i’ve never done that before, that’s for sure. but, I don’t mind a bit of trouble.”
he smirked at you, impressed, “good. we’re gonna get in way more trouble tonight, just wait.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you eventually turned a few corners and reached a big chain link fence. you couldn’t see what was beyond it very well, as there were quite a few buildings blocking your view.
he grabbed the bottom corner of the chain, which had been cut, and pulled it back. he looked back at you with a grin, “you ready?”
you couldn’t really believe you were about to follow a cute boy you didn’t know, who you talked to about your past and robbed a mcdonald’s with, through a cut fence to a unknown place.
you laughed a bit through your words at the absurdity of the situation, “yeah, I am.”
he offered his hand, his eyes hopeful. it occurred to you then that you were definitely going to take his hand. you couldn’t stop the night, too far in to quit now. even if you could, there was no part of you that would decline. you were his for the night.
you accepted his hand and he smiled. he bent down, squeezing himself through before helping you, the sharp edges around you catching on your clothes. you ease out and grab the food that you left on the other side. once you were all together, he stopped you before you could move.
“ok, do you know where we are?”
you looked around yourself breifly before answering, “nope.”
“good. i’m gonna go do something really quick and I need you to stay here.”
you nodded, a little sad he was leaving you.
“promise?” his eyes searched your face for sincerity.
“I promise.” you smiled and fought the urge to tell him that you wanted to promise your life to him. you kept all your thoughts inside as he grabbed the food and raced away through the alley of the building.
you shook at your thoughts, “ugh! stop it! you don’t know this guy! you need to stop before you embarrass yourself.” you took a deep breath, closing your eyes to center yourself. opening them back up, you saw jake coming back through the alley. his sleeves were rolled up and his ball cap had turned around, now facing backwards as he jogged up to meet you. you nearly passed out. what was it you said about not embarrassing yourself…
“you ready?” he pulled you out of your trance and you had to remember to answer.
nodding, you watched his body get behind you and place his strong hands over your eyes.
“ok, we’re gonna walk forward, but go slow.” his voice was right on your ear, low and raspy. you could barely concentrate, but you put one foot in front of the other and walked.
he led you through the alley, and from there you had no idea where you were. you relied on him to guide you, leaning back on him a bit. you almost tripped over a rock of some kind, letting out a funny scream-like noise. he chuckled in your ear behind you, making you almost shiver at his voice. god, this was getting hard.
“and… stop.”
finally, he pulled you back and stopped walking. he kept his hands over you eyes as he talked.
“before I show you, what do you hear?”
you listened closely.
“wind.”
“good”, he praised and you tried not to smile. “what do you smell?”
you sniffed the air, slowly.
“um”, you giggled at your answer, “fishy air?”
he laughed deeply in your ear, “good. now, what can you taste?”
you opened your mouth and stuck your tongue out a little.
“hmmm, salt?”
“very good. now, are you ready to see?”
“for goodness sake, jake, we’ve been walking forever and I played your games, I think i’m ready-“ you tugged his hands off your eyes and lost all your words as you took in where you were.
the beach was beautiful under the moonlight, lighting up the waves as they crashed and sprayed. the water met the sand in a beautiful blue-tinted dark spot, and a few feet in front of it lied a blanket and our mcdonald’s bags. it was a picnic on the beach under the moon. you wanted someone to pinch you.
“jake- I-“, you couldn’t find the words if you tried.
“do you like it?”, his voice hopeful while his fingers grazed your arms lightly, his presence ever comforting behind you.
you looked back at him, “I love it.”
he grinned and grabbed your hand, leading you to the picnic.
“where did you find a blanket here?”
he smiled fondly, as if at memories you had brought up with your question. “my family used to come here all the time, so I always loved it. now that, you know, i’m grown and we don’t go out much, I come by myself. I keep a blanket in one of those lockers over there, just in case.” he pointed to a wall of lockers for people to stow their belongings while at the beach.
“and what about…“, you answered your own question by turning around and seeing what the buildings blocking your view of the beach were. “suites and private beach houses? wow, people have money.”
he laughed and helped you sit down on the blanket, fingers accidentally brushing your lower back. you locked eyes at the touch, dangerously fast, and you looked away before anyone could say anything. if you would’ve stared into his eyes for just a second longer, who knows would’ve happened.
finally, you both sat and got comfortable on the blanket over the squishy sand. he frowned, sighed, and shook his head.
your eyebrows furrowed at his actions, “what?”
he sighed again and made eye contact, “i’m just-“. he contemplated his words, looking up into the sky and then dropping his head to the sand before looking back at you. “i’m just really…”, his eyes danced around your face as he leant in, almost unaware he was doing so. it seemed like he was being pulled towards you, and you back to him. you followed his lead and leant in a little. he licked his lips, smiled sheepishly, and pulled away. “i’m just really hungry.”
you both nodded fast and you tried to shake the memory from your head. giving him a sweet smile, you grabbed a big mac out of the bag.
you two ate and talked for a good hour. half of the humongous bags were empty and there was nothing but happiness radiating from your spot on the beach. he had found himself on his elbows laying back, and you on one elbow looking down at him. he was so fucking charming. and it was going to be the death of you. you laughed at his horrible jokes and he smiled up at you, putting a fry between his teeth. you tried your best not to stutter or lose your train of thought, but it was so hard with him. he was just- perfect. and that was a dangerous thought.
“so”, you began after catching your breath from the joke, “what do you want to do? in life, I mean.”
he thought for a second, his head moving side to side. “realistically? or my dream?”
you smiled, “your dream.”
he grinned back, “musician.”
you rolled your eyes, laughing, “is that why I always see you playing that sg?”
his brows furrowed as a questioning look donned his face. “you see me play? when?”
your face blushed a bit, realizing how creepy the next sentence was going to sound. “after lunch. my next class is- well- when I leave- I pass the music hall on the way to my health class.”
he smiled at your embarrassment. “and you spy on me?”
“no! no, of course not! I just- see you through the window,” you backtracked, “like because it’s really big and I just catch a glimpse. I don’t watch you or anything-“
he threw his head back and laughed. you grunt in frustration, nothing you say making the situation sound less weird.
“it’s ok, it’s ok”, he fought to stop laughing, “I know you weren’t being creepy.” then, he raised an eyebrow at you. “wait, how did you know it was an sg?”
you shook your head, “my dad is a collector. it’s dumb but he always made me go with him to look in the vintage shops.”
jake smirked, “impressive.”
you shrugged, “I don’t know about that.”
he eyed you, “what about you? what’s your dream?”
you felt yourself get bubbly just thinking about it, a smile creeping on your lips. “a photographer.”
his eyes got bright, “pictures, huh? take one of me right now!” he stood, kicking up a bit of sand as he did, and struck a pirate-like pose.
you laughed and grabbed your phone, lining up the lighting and snapping a few shots.
he sat back down and urged you to show him, laughing at the situation. when you did, the joking left his face and was replaced by an expression of amazement and confusion.
“fuck, these are actually really good.” he looked up at you, “how did you get the shadows and highlights with just a phone camera?”
you shrugged, “i’m always just taking the picture by feeling. I get inspired and then it always just leads me to the perfect shot.”
he shook his head, still surprised at the quality, “this is perfect, don’t you realize? you could take pictures at my concerts!”
you laughed and nodded, “sure, jake.”
“i’m serious! you said you need inspiration and my music, especially the guitar solos, will definitely inspire you.” he tilted his head back and added, “plus I look super sexy when I play.”
you wanted to laugh, to play it off, but you didn’t want to admit how much that image was affecting you. you just decided to roll your eyes and shake your head, pushing the thought away.
“promise! say that you’ll be my personal photographer!” his enthusiasm was hard to turn down.
giggling, you agreed, “fine. but no nudes.”
he busted out laughing and shoved you.
after the laughs subsided, there was silence for the first time in the night, both of you too caught up in the eyes of the other. the tension was dangerous, waiting to erupt. still, there was a question still eating at you.
“jake?”
“yeah?”
“why this tonight? why me and the beach? why are you doing this?”
jake studied you, eyes drifting up and down your body. he motioned for you to come closer, his breath tickling your ear, “why not?”
you slowly turned your face to his, not backing up. you were eye to eye, foreheads almost touching and lips just inches from each other.
you broke the trance by placing a finger on his lips and pushing him backward. “race ya”, you challenged and took off towards the beach.
you heard him laugh from behind you, getting closer. you were about ankle deep in the water when he grabbed you around your stomach from behind, lifting you up and spinning you. water splashed up on both of you, drenching your clothes. giggles plagued both of you as he spun and then set you down.
you turned and saw his face…and you don’t think you’ve ever been the same since.
he was smiling, big. his hat had flown off in the run, the wind blowing his shirt open. his hair was flowing messily and his skin almost glowing in the moonlight. he was perfect. so amazing that you couldn’t find words to describe it. you hoped right then and there that this would last forever. you weren’t sure you’d ever get him out of your brain.
it was then you realized that your shirt had been soaked by the ocean, the white cloth sticking to the curves of your torso and becoming see-through. you looked down to see your light gray bra showing through, and looked back up to see jake’s smile gone. it was replaced with a look of deep desire. his mouth slightly parted, his eyes locked on your wet body. you stared at each other for a minute, your salty hair whipping at your face.
he came close, brushing a piece of your hair behind your ear, his hand resting on the side of your face. he leaned closer and nudged your noses, almost asking permission.
“jake…”, you trailed, begging him to keep going.
he came in so close that your lips were grazing each other, pausing just a second before closing the painful gap. he kissed you softly, and you sighed into it.
you knew then.
it didn’t matter anymore.
it doesn’t matter what else happens or doesn’t happen tonight.
you were his.
the connection was complete.
after a few seconds of sweetness, you kiss him harder. his hands find your waist, pulling you into his body. your hands hold his face on yours, slightly in his hair. he continues to kiss you deeply, hands roaming to your ass and then your legs, picking them up so he could carry you back to the blanket.
he made haste, nearly tripping from the sand on the way, making you squeal. he laid you down on the blanket gently, you legs wrapping around his waist naturally. you both giggled at the position you had found yourselves in, feeling the excitement and adrenaline. you could feel his hands shaking as they trailed up and down your sides. the kisses grew hungrier, both of you getting impatient. he disconnected your lips and sat back, panting. you watched from your laid position as he unbuttoned whatever was left of his shirt and shouldered it off. then he bent back down and lifted the edge of the shirt sticking to your stomach, pulling it up and over your head. your bra was removed shortly after, being tossed to the side. your chest laid bare in front of him, his breathing shook as he whispered under his breath, “you’re fucking gorgeous.” with that, he kissed you hard again, hands slowly cupping your breasts. you moaned softly in his mouth and it was obviously too much for him to handle, as he immediately fumbled for your jean shorts’ button. he undid them and tugged them off fast, throwing them to the side. he groaned as he took you in, only clad in your underwear. it was a white thong decorated with cherries and jake laughed when he saw it.
“cherries?” he smirked as he began to kiss his way down your chest, licking your nipple. you gasped and moaned as he continued down your stomach and reached the top of the thong.
he smirked and looked up at you. god, what a sight that was. his hair messed, his eyes dark and mischievous. he looked up at you like you were something to eat. and god, you hoped he had an appetite. “I wonder if you taste like cherries, too?”
you were speechless as his fingers hooked into them, inching them down and tossing them over his shoulder. automatically, your legs came together at the brisk air on your private parts.
“ah, come on baby”, he shook his head, “let me see her.”
he made eye contact with you and bit his lip as he placed each of his hands on your knees, prying them apart slowly. his eyes flicked down to your center and he took a throaty breath before he dipped his head down between your legs. hooking his arms around your thighs, he looked at you before lowering his face down and licking a long stripe up your core.
you moaned and threw your head back as he licked and sucked, already feeling like it was too good.
“fuck, you do taste like cherries”, he smirked, licking his lips, before diving back in. he teased you, going fast and then slow.
“jake, please”, you begged.
“what baby? use your words, honey.”
he stopped teasing and made out with you, only taking breaths to kiss your inner thigh. you squirmed and whimpered, his grip just getting tighter. your hands tangled in his hair and pulled, causing him to grunt and flick his tongue over you faster.
“jake- too much. I can’t-“, you pleaded.
“you can. you will.” he said it as a promise, like he had already made up his mind about it.
jake went faster, harder. he was making true on that promise. you felt your muscles tighten and your mouth fell open. you screamed as the orgasm hit you. he continued for just a minute more, working you through the rest of it, until you started to run from the overstimulation. he pulled back and admired the mess you made.
“fuck, cherry”, he panted, smiled, and came up to kiss you. “I almost couldn’t stop.”
you moaned as he kissed you, beginning to feel something hard and hot on your thigh. you gasped breathlessly, his bulge evidently turning you on. you reached down and touched him through his jeans. you didn’t even use much pressure and he was already groaning. too worked up for his own good, he tugged down his pants, and you couldn’t help but run your hands across his toned chest. as he removed his underwear, you sucked a small hickey into his neck as a little memento to remember your first time together. you were certain that this wouldn’t be the last.
jake finally got fully naked, lining himself up with you. your eyes met and he slowly started to push into you. he sighed in relief, like he was returning to his home inside your body. the stretch was painful at first, as he wasn’t small by any means, but when he started to move the pain went away. it felt so good. too good.
“fuck, baby. you’re gonna be the death of me.” he moved slowly, all the way in and almost all the way out.
the sensation was unlike anything you’d ever felt, the pleasure taking over your brain and making you a mindless zombie.
“jake, oh my-“, you couldn’t even finish, cut off by a powerful thrust that hit a spot in you that you didn’t know existed.
“I know, baby. give it to me.”
the rhythm got faster, fueled by the pleasure radiating from both of you. soon, he was fucking you hard. the sound of slapping skin and moans mixed with the background noise of waves crashing against the sand was intoxicating.
“oh fuck, baby. are you close?” he was falling apart, evident by the squeak in his voice.
“yes! fuck, jake!” you could barely get the words out, too caught up in the feeling. the warm buildup started in your belly and you knew it wouldn’t be long. his grunts became faster and louder as he pummeled into you as hard as he could. he looked you in the eyes and moaned your name loudly, like he didn’t care who heard him.
“jake…”, you groaned, feeling the buildup get to the edge.
“oh, fuck. me too. show me, baby. show me how good you feel. cum for me.” he groaned at the thought of you falling apart on him.
you did as he said. moments later, you felt like you were engulfed by a wave of pleasure so intense you shook. you never broke eye contact as you moaned his name and squeezed his dick like a vice.
“fuck-“, he came with a groan. he shuddered and panted as he painted your walls. his eyes drifted away and he hung his head in the crook of your neck.
still inside you, he whispered in your ear, “you’re so amazing.”
you felt a smile creep on your face as you scoffed lovingly. he brought himself back up to look at you, brushing a piece of your hair away from your face. the smiles on both your faces were sweet and sappy, taking in the warmth.
you wished that this moment would never end. this right here? this was heaven. in jake’s arms, on the beach, orgasm haze washing over you both. it was all you’d ever want, you were sure of it. all you’d ever want is him.
he pulled out, hissing at the feeling, and tearing you away from your thoughts. “so, let’s get you cleaned up then.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he used a napkin from the food bag to clean you off and then you both got dressed. pulling on your shirt, you saw jake glance at his phone.
“oh shit. it’s 12:06 in the morning. I gotta get home.”
“oh”, you tried to hide your disappointment, “that’s ok. I probably should too.” you smiled, walking over and pulling him into a hug, and he smiled back.
the walk back to your house took almost 30 minutes but you welcomed the time, dreading the moment he’d have to leave. you talked the whole way back, laughing about the night and things that happened at school lately. you held hands, swinging them like elementary schoolers with their first boyfriend.
you reached your house and turned to face him, sad. “I don’t want you to go.”
a small, empathetic smile tugged at his lips as he pushed you back towards your home. “go. you don’t want your parents to wake up and find you gone, now do you?”
you looked him in his dark brown eyes and wished you could tell him that all you wanted was a hug from him. all you want is a life with him. he became all you wanted within a few hours, sweeping you off your feet instantly. you needed him.
but all you could manage to say was, “ok.”
you kissed him one more time, softly. he smiled and kissed your back, his hand coming around to grab your ass. you squealed and pushed him away.
“stop it! my parents are like a foot away.”
he laughed, “fine. i’ll see you around.”
and with that, he turned and walked away. you figured you should do the same too, backing up slowly. you got to your front door and turned back to look at him. you hoped to see him looking back at you, but he was gone. frowning, you slipped inside. quietly, you made it to your bedroom and sat on your bed.
holy fuck. what just happened? this was the greatest night of your life.
you tore off your still-wet clothes and grabbed a towel before running to the bathroom to shower. the warm water ran down your body, washing away the sand and salt. you could still feel his hands on you, and you smiled at the reminder. when you were done washing your face, you went back to your bedroom.
you gasped when you stepped on something unexpected, but then smiled when you realized what it was. it was the rock from earlier tonight; the one jake threw. you smiled and picked it up, putting it on your dresser next to your favorite pictures. it was now going to be displayed with your favorite things. when you laid down, the comfortable bed swallowed you up as you thought about the night. about him. about jake.
you smiled and yawned, the happy memories and warm sheets lulling you to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you woke up the next day sore. you sat up and stretched, but your mind started to wander and soon you remembered the fun of last night. it filled your heart with happiness and all you wanted to do was see him again. but, in the haze of the night, you never exchanged numbers.
that’s when it occurred to you. jenny stewart’s party. he said it would be tonight at 9 and he’d probably be there. you almost patted yourself on the back for remembering. you looked over to your clock and almost screamed when you saw that it was noon. you slept late. too late. it was time to start preparing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you had jumped in the shower again, and this time it was an everything shower.
you washed and conditioned your hair thoroughly, did full skincare, exfoliated, and shaved everything. like everything, everything. when you got out, you wiped your hand on the foggy mirror and brushed your teeth to finish the routine.
you ran to your room and started picking out something to wear. you started by grabbing a lacy, black matching set. last night you weren’t prepared, but tonight you would be. you put them on, the black bra pushing your tits up perfectly. the lacy panties left nothing to the imagination, but that was the point. next, you turned to your closet to find a dress. this would probably take a while.
it took a good minute of searching before you found what you were looking for. it was a black dress covered with cherries. how perfect. you thought about how he’d love the subtle callback to last night’s events and giggled. you put everything on and smiled at how you looked. he was gonna love it.
next was makeup. you did a subtle look, swiping a bit of sparkle on your eye and blush on your cheek. the mascara you used made your eyelashes 10x longer and you batted them at yourself in the mirror. you added a bit of sparkly gloss as a finishing touch. you felt like a little girl, giddy to see your crush.
by the time you were finished with everything and put on comfortable shoes, it was time to go. you said bye to your parents, saying you were going to a study group with friends. you tried not to feel upset when they raised their eyebrows at you having friends, and just ran out the door.
the walk there would only be a few minutes because jenny lived in the neighborhood next to yours. you checked your phone and saw that you were gonna be a few minutes late, but that was ok.
as you walked up to her house, you saw that the party was in full swing. there were people in the yard and on her wrap-around porch, already tipsy and talking. you excused yourself by them and made your way up the steps and to the door. the music bumped inside the house, rap being played out of a speaker. you walked into her house and saw you were in the kitchen. jenny’s house was big and very nice, but it was a mess from the party. there was beer bottles everywhere, liquor spilt here and there, and tortilla chips spilling out of bowls. the granite island in the middle of the kitchen had all the booze on top of it, and you realized then that you had never really been to a high school party. not a real one anyway. the only party you were used to going to had punch and a piñata. this was a real party.
you decided to keep your focus on finding jake, looking around the room. you tried to make your way to the living room, accidentally bumping into a very drunk jenny stewart.
“heyyyyyyy girl!” she slurred her words and waved at you.
“hey, jenny”, you tried not to laugh at her state, “have you seen jake?”
“jake kiszka? yeah he’s here.” she almost turned away before she whipped back around and grabbed your arm, “wait. whyyyy?”, she said in a flirty tone. “are you guys togetherrrr?”, she smirked.
you blushed and looked down, “I mean, kinda.”
“shut upppp! go get him, girl!” with that, she pushed you towards the living room.
you laughed and continued on, smiling as you came into the living room. but as soon as you saw him, your smile disappeared.
there he was, dressed in a hot black t-shirt and jeans, leaning against the stairs with a drink in his hand. and next to him was a girl. her dark black hair fell down her back and contrasted with her fair skin. she had on a red bra-like top and the shortest shorts known to man.
they were laughing. talking. why was she making him laugh so much? her hand was on his bicep and his hand on her waist.
you walked over slowly, mouth still slightly open in shock. when he caught a glimpse of you, his eyes went wide and he excused himself from the girl, coming over to you.
“what are you doing here?” his tone was annoyed, impatient.
“um, what? what am I doing here? first of all, you invited me!”
he rolled his eyes, “I didn’t think you’d actually come. it took a army to get you out of your house the first time.”
you scoffed at his rudeness but kept going, “well second of all, what the fuck are you doing?”
“what do you mean, ‘what am I doing’? i’m at a party, having fun.”
you’re eyes got wide and your voice got louder, almost able to be heard by others over the music, “you’re with someone else! what the fuck?”
he put his hand over your mouth and backed you into a corner where nobody would see you, “shut the fuck up. damn, do you ever stop talking? what? you act like we got married last night.”
your eyes glossed over with hurt as you ripped his hand from your mouth and spoke, “what? so nothing that happened last night means anything to you?”
he laughed and rolled his eyes again, “oh my god! it wasn’t that big of a deal. it was one night. yeah, we had fun. but I thought you knew it was just that: fun. you act like we said ‘I love you’ or some shit.” he took a swig of his beer.
you felt stupid. he was making you feel like last night was all in your head. the tears started to fall on their own and you couldn’t stop staring at him in disbelief.
he sighed, “oh, now you’re fucking crying? grow up, (y/n). we’re in high school. what did you think? we were gonna go run away together, get married, have kids, and live in the florida keys?” he scoffed, “you’re pathetic.”
you wiped your tears quickly and made eye contact again, “no, I didn’t think we were gonna get married”, that was a lie that hurt your heart to say, “but fuck, jake! we had sex on a beach and now you’re here flirting with some other girl like I don’t mean anything to you?”
“it’s just sex! fuck, you are so sappy!”
“you took my virginity, jake! what am I supposed to do? pretend like it never happened because you want to fuck some other girl?” the tears started again, and it was getting harder to hold them back.
he threw his hands up like he was innocent, “hey, don’t blame that shit on me! I didn’t know you were a virgin! you didn’t tell me shit.”
“so it was all about sex?! so if you knew I was a virgin, you would’ve never taken me out?” your shook your head, hoping you were wrong.
“no, I wouldn’t have”, he scoffed and said it like it was obvious, then he turned and ran his hand through his hair muttering, “this is such bullshit.”
you couldn’t help the disgust and shock plastered on your face as you took him in. this was a new person. this wasn’t the man you knew last night. maybe it was because he was drunk, or maybe you were just a fool all along, believing his lies. you dropped your head and took a shuddering breath.
“so, you don’t want me?”
he turned back to you and you looked back up. he sighed at your face, covered in tears, like it was annoying to see you like this, like you were a rock at the bottom of his shoe.
“no, I don’t want you. I wanted you last night, and so I had you. don’t make this a thing, ok? normal girls know that when a guy shows up at their house at night asking to ‘hang out’, it means he wants to hook up.” he took a breath, “I guess you just thought I was asking you out so we could lay in a flower field naming the stars and counting the constellations”, he laughed at you, “don’t get me wrong, the sex was good but that’s all it was. now, we’re done.”
that was it. the truth. the truth you never wanted to know. you didn’t know what else to say to him, but you knew you had to say something.
“ok.”
he raised his eyebrows, “ok? you’re done crying?” he sighed, “alright, i’ll see you around.” he walked away, drinking more of his beer, and returned to the box-dye-black-haired girl.
you moved on autopilot, leading yourself out of the room and back into the kitchen with the loud rap playing. passing by the liquor island, you grabbed a big bottle of malibu and continued outside. the party was still going, people making out and talking everywhere. you found the porch stairs and sat down, opening the rum and chugging a good amount. you sat there, drinking and staring out into the moonlight for a long time. you could still feel his hands on you, and you shivered. it was now such an unhappy memory. when the malibu was about half gone, you pulled out your phone. you went to your camera app and looked at the pictures from last night. they started with the one of jake striking a pose right after he learned you wanted to be a photographer. you laughed at the memory and took another drink of the malibu. you swiped and found a bunch of pictures that you had took while you two were laying on the beach, right after you were done having sex. they started with you two smiling, then another of him kissing your cheek, then another of you kissing passionately.
“you can’t tell me that wasn’t real”, you muttered to yourself, looking at the picture and taking a swig of rum.
“boy problems?”
a girl’s voice startled you as she walked up to you from behind.
“yeah.” it was all you could say, the tears already welling up again. you turned off your phone, not being able to look at the happy faces anymore.
she sighed and sat down next to you, “I know that feeling. happened to me a year ago.”
“really?” you looked over. she was so pretty. her brown skin and hair fit well with her marbled glasses frames. she was dressed in a polka dot t-shirt and jeans with a headband taming her curls.
“yeah, some guy I met from a different school. you don’t even want to know what happened.”
you looked at her empathetically and handed her the bottle.
“thanks”, she took a drink and turned to you, smiling. “i’m kate.”
“(y/n). it’s nice to meet another girl who can relate.”
“oh yeah”, she sighed, “I definitely can. so, who’s the guy?”
you hesitated at first, but then thought: what did you have to lose by telling her?
“a guy named jake.”
she gasped, “wait. kiszka?”
you nodded and took another drink.
“that’s the guy who broke my heart a year ago.”
you nearly spit out your gulp of rum. “what? he dated you?”
she rolled her eyes, “yeah, well I wouldn’t call it dating. it was one night. a glorious night on the beach.”
you went still but stayed silent. of course. of course, it was all a prepared night. it was a routine he did to make girls put out and then leave them high and dry.
“I know that’s what happened to you, too. i’ve heard it’s what he does.” she shrugged and took the drink from you, downing some more. she looked over at you and smiled softly, “i’ll help you get over him; I don’t have many friends anyway. we can go get slurpies and sour candy and go watch step brothers at my house.”
you laughed and nodded, laying your head on her shoulder, “that sounds great.”
a silence fell over you, only the faint sound of music and breathing audible.
“it feels like i’m never gonna be alright.” you were such a fool for him. you let him build you up just to tear you down. you hated how much you still wanted him, after everything.
“yes, you will. believe me, it takes time but you get there eventually. until then you just have to deal with it: being wrapped around his finger.”
• • •
THE END.
this one took forever to write (purely because i’m lazy and took so many long breaks lmao) but it’s so rewarding to see it finished! please let me know if you liked this one and what you would like to see next! love you guys so so so much! 💓
(comment under this post to be added to my overall tag list because I just realized I don’t have an overall tag list lol :))
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grapejuicestyless · 2 years ago
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Just Because You Cannot Have Her.
Conrad Fisher x fem!reader
Summery: You’ve always been in love with the oldest Fisher. Having grown up to be his practical twin, it was almost impossible not to. When he makes it clear he likes someone else, you try to move on. And it almost works.(inspired by that one scene between Laurie and Amy in Little Women!)
Angst to fluff to angst to fluff again(it’s a lot.)
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To me, he wasn’t only the sun. He was the moon and the stars. He was the smell of the fresh grass and the sound of the beach. He was all of my favorites things. And to him, I was his best friend.
Conrad and I grew up together. Our mothers all going to college. My mother rooming with Laurel and Susannah, creating the foundation of a new friendship. One that led us to Boston right beside her and the summer long vacations only I would attend during the hottest months as my moms work grew more demanding. Susannah lived next door to us my whole life. A pretty house on a more quiet road in Massachusetts. The houses mere feet apart. Windows reflecting each other.
Nights were spent the three of us each school year, playing in the garden with sticks as swords and watching cheesy movies before color had reached the big screen. Just me, Jeremiah and Conrad. All year long. All day long.
I still remember the day we figured it out, Conrad and I. How my window was directly facing his. Same floor, same height. How if we tried hard enough, we could communicate late at night and never be apart.
Jeremiah was an important part of our trio, but as they always say, there’s a duo in every trio. That was me and Conrad. It was obvious, the way we sat closer together. My head on his chest and his legs thrown over my lap. How by some force, no matter the scenario, it was always him and me against it. No matter Jeremiah’s efforts, it seemed that he could never quiet catch up. He wasn’t mad by it, he understood even then that what we had was special, but he also had a right to want that. To want that force that constantly seemed to keep Conrad and I intertwined.
And with the knowledge of that force and the closeness of it all, how could I not fall for the boy that was my best friend? My everything. Him with his blonde hair and boyish grin, eyes crinkling and shoulders hunched. He understood my jokes, even when they weren’t that good and yet, he laughed at each one. Because I was the one telling them. We flowed continuously, like a perfect line drawn on a piece of paper.
But I guess that force wasn’t as strong as I believed. Because while it had pulled me to him in every way a person can be pulled, Conrad seemed to have been left behind. Unaffected by it all. Able to fall for everyone else around him while I remained trained to him like a puppy eager to gain his affection.
Belly and Steven were an added part of our group. Each summer they’d travel down to the beach, stay just down the hall from us and enjoy the same games and closeness I was lucky enough to have all year.
Yet, with her youngness, in some way I still got everyone to myself. If it were to be a house party or a late night rendezvous, it was always the three of us and occasionally Steven.
Last summer was different. To me, to her. To everyone. Belly changed. Like the seasons or the tide, Belly lost her braces and ditched the glasses. Hair flowing behind her like a movie scene. A character straight from a love story. I always saw her as beautiful. Always believed she had the looks and personality to make any boy chase her, leaving a trail of drool behind. But now, everyone else could see it too. Conrad could see it too.
And that summer, he spent it stuck to her hip like glue. Leaving me colder and more alone than I’d ever been in my entire life.
I had been forgotten like nothing ever happened between us. Like we hadn’t come up with our own way of conversation through the windows. Like we hadn’t cried over the notebook or sat on the floor playing Barbie’s until our knees hurt and our back were sore. Like we didn’t know the ins and outs of each other. To be thrown to the side like a distraction felt like a punch to the gut. But the affection that Belly gained from Conrad while I lost everything was a bullet, killing me slowly while I bled all over Susannah’s white bed sheets.
Summer came and went. Slower than I wished. But that’s what happens when the world crumbles around you. Losing your best friend, and also the love of your life to the girl you’d happily consider a younger sister. Watching her get the attention I’d always wanted. His lips ghosting over hers and his hands tracing her hips like she was art. All while my hands held themselves and my lips were bitten raw.
The fall wasn’t much better. College was hard. So far away from home, and even farther from Jere and Conrad. I could count down the days until summer. I wouldn’t have Conrad, I accepted that. But I would always have Jeremiah. The boy who was always my younger self. My other best friend who stuck by me as he watched Conrad rip pieces of my heart out each day without any knowledge of what he was doing. He comforted me on the days that I seemed to be nothing more than a distant memory to Conrad. He sat with me both in person and on the phone for hours, catching up and doing the things I had only ever done with Conrad.
I went to NYU, much to everyone’s dismay. I’d sworn on Brown. Going somewhere with Conrad to stay together. Two peas in a pod. He’d looked disappointed at my decision, but he could’ve seen it coming. With him no longer wanting me, it felt wrong to follow him around. To stay stuck to another woman’s boyfriend, if that’s what you could call them.
Conrad and Belly were never exclusive. They never set clear boundaries of their relationship. They flirted and teased. Played around and fought, but they never stuck completely. Deep down, Belly had a crush brewing for Cam Cameron, and anyone who wasn’t an idiot could see the blush spread across her cheeks whenever Jeremiah walked into the room. Conrad, to him it felt like Belly was it. He had no other women around him. He stopped flirting freely at bonfires and rarely went out without her. He was more set on a true relationship. Knowing that is what hurt the most. So, I left. Not wanting to stay in a place I did not feel welcome.
Again, the seasons passed. Changing like the people within it. And finally, within the snow and the rain, I came home to a familiar neighborhood. My luggage in the trunk of an even more familiar red Jeep. The Fishers and I were reunited, almost fully. Susannah slept peacefully in the back seat, head leaned up against the window, pen laid dainty in between her slim fingers adorned with beautiful jewels. Jeremiah was driving, a new smile on his face as the summer sun shined down on us. Meanwhile, I sat passenger side, sock clad feet up on the dash and a pack of gummy worms on my lap, feeding a few to Jere every couple seconds. It was perfect. An atmosphere that was light and gentle. The only missing piece was my best friend in the whole world, Conrad Fisher.
He had decided to drive up by himself this year, having been away at Brown and getting the chance to head off early. It made perfect sense. But the idea that our annual car rides were no longer existing, ached. I had already lost him in the summer, I could accept that. But to lose him year round? It was a new pain I couldn’t even think about dealing with. So I took it as it was, a perfect excuse.
“You okay?” His voice was smooth, warm. I let my eyes flicker from the side mirror. My face turned to look at the tan skinned boy next to me.
Jeremiah was always beautiful. He had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. One that reflected the clearest summer day I could wish for. Yet, in the lightness, they also held depth. Sparkling with impulse and enthusiasm. His smile was infectious. Bright white in a way you could only dream it to be in the movies. Something that no one would believe to be a true description until they saw it. He had curly hair that wasn’t quite brunette, but not light enough to be blonde.
I still remembered the day he ran to me crying. He’d always hated his curls. He longed to have the straighter hair that his older brother had. He always looked up to Conrad. In ways so extreme that he wanted to be just like him. Conrad had told him that his sandwich crust made his hair curly. It was funny until it wasn’t. I spent the whole day styling Jeremiah’s hair until it was sticky with hair product and styled in his own way of perfection. He looked almost humorous with his usually wild hair all done up, but handsome none the less. He had really grown into himself through the years, it was hard not to notice him.
The memory made me smile, only the sound of a far out car horn shaking me back to the present.
“Just really excited to be back. College kicked my ass.” My smile was tight lipped, but genuine. Jeremiah returned the look, sighing as he looked out to the road ahead, taking in the familiar scenery.
“Me too.” I caught his eyes quickly flick over to mine, a smile still spread on his cheeks. A blush on mine. He was one of my best friends. My younger self. I shouldn’t have been so flustered to have been caught admiring the boy, but for some reason the heat bubbled up in my stomach anyways. I needed air, a sharp intake of it getting stuck in my throat as I felt a warmth wrap around my hand.
His larger hand laid comfortably in mine, squeezing innocently and shaking it as if to symbolize excitement. Yet, in that moment, the innocent gesture felt more intimate than a pure platonic feeling. Again, the heat rose to my cheeks, and the butterflies made me feel uneasy. But I brushed it off as over tiredness.
When we pulled into the driveway, I noticed all the other cars already parked. We had been the last to arrive, another odd experience as we were always the first.
Quickly, the families raced out the door to greet us. Steven and Belly shoving off each other to race to Jere and I. Belly got to me first, her arms wrapping around my body so hard I stumbled back at her force.
“I’m so glad you’re here! I missed you!” Her words were muffled by my shoulder, head buried into my skin like I’d slip away if she didn’t hold on to me tight.
“I missed you more, Bells. I have no one to watch all these movies with me when I’m away.” I motioned to the bag I had stashed away in the back seat next to were Susannah was once sitting. Belly pulled away in excitement, head peaking over my shoulder to inspect the stack of old discs peaking out from the bag. Her attention back on me as she stepped away.
“Look at you, all grown up.” I held her face between my hands, eyes squinting to fully admire her beauty. She truly changed last summer, having lost her braces and glasses. But somehow, the girl managed to get even more stunning in the passing year, proving to everyone she wasn’t so little anymore. She brushed me off, scoffing playfully before motioning to me.
“Look at me? Look at you! College did wonders!” I shrugged off the complement, not really seeing any changes.
It was true though, I had grown in college. Always a late bloomer, my chest had gone up a size. My wild hair was more tamed and my lips reddened. I changed from that young graduate who was sworn into baggy college shirts and swimsuit bottoms into someone who didn’t truly mind tighter shirts with half sleeves or jean shorts that were slightly scandalous. I had grown into a more confident version of myself while away from the crutches of comfort back home.
Out of the corner of my eye I caught Conrad walking towards us, his eyes avoidant of Belly and glued to me, the first time I truly felt his gaze in almost a full year. He made a B-line to me, smile plastered across his face before Jeremiah intercepted his welcome. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed, even if I had convinced myself all feelings for him were in the past. That I could move on.
I felt Stevens arm loop around my shoulders, “Blah, blah, blah. Y/n, I think you’ve had enough time to catch up. You know what time it is?” She shared a look, my eyes catching Jeremiah’s, his looking to Conrad’s.
“Belly flop!” I was quick to declare, Belly’s eyes widening. She was quick to try to make an escape, but not quiet quick enough.
She ran right into Jeremiah. Him and Conrad restraining her arms while Steven and I latched onto her legs. We rushed over to the pool, excited to toss her in yet another year. She screamed and thrashed, only to be met with the fate of the bottom of the pool.
The water splashed onto our legs, her body submerging underneath. I let myself fall into Jeremiah with an excited laugh. His arms wrapped around my body almost protectively, head tilted down to look at me. It was inviting and all so warm. Summer had officially begun.
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The beach house was lively and bustling with people running from room to room. Trying to complete each thing that needed to be done to fully enjoy the summer. Susannah and I seemed to be the only two in place. Even Laurel rushing around to help out.
The kitchens surface was layered in fruits and flour tossed around it. The evidence of the crime scene on our faces. Powder smears across cheeks and a red ring over lining my lips from what could’ve been cherry or strawberry juice.
Susannah had sworn that the dessert she had been planning to make would taste so much better from scratch. She was right, like always. Her baked goods always were, and the small cakes in all various shapes and sizes were just as delicious as promised. Now the only thing left to show was the plate filled with the fresh pastries and the mess to prove we really had made them.
We laughed about it, when stepping back to observe our damage, a hand going to her forehead. Both in humor for the situation and some stress.
“What exploded in here?” We turned on our heals to the voice, laced in shock and amusement. The matching expression belonging to the boy I couldn’t seem to escape all day. Jeremiah.
“We made pastries!” Even my best jazz hands couldn’t hide the fact that everything was everywhere. Not even my best smile could hide the small regret I felt for making it with Susannah.
Sometimes, I believed Jeremiah was a psychic. As I could’ve seen the stress on Susannah’s perfect face, it was like he could simply feel it. With one small flick of his hands, he nodded knowingly, always wanting to be a help.
“Mom, why don’t you relax. I’m sure Y/n and I can handle a little mess.” We exchanged a glance. I nodded frantically, wanting to help out Susannah in every way possible.
“Are you sure?” She sounded more relieved than anything.
“Yes, of course. Now go, watch a movie or read a book. Paint! Why don’t you paint!” I shooed her away, helping Jere get her to settle in for the day.
The room was silent as she left, her presence only known because of what she had left behind. I almost laughed at how messy a grown woman could be, but I wasn’t any better, so who was I to judge?
“You really know how to make an entrance.” Jeremiah mused, eyeing me up and down while lifting the trash can over to the edge of the island top.
“What can I say? I’m an artist.” Picking up some flour from the countertop, I tossed it on his face, holding my hands up in a picture motion, as if I was trying to get the right framing for my work.
“Perfect!” I joked, a playful smirk on Jeremiah’s face.
We were quick in cleaning the kitchen. All appliances already washed and put away as we used them. So all there was to do was to clean whatever didn’t make it into the pans and bowls. It looked just like new, shining like it had before our baking process.
Again, I stepped back to admire our work, only this time, Jeremiah admired it with me. Looking at each other, I felt sure we had done the best job that could’ve been done.
“I think we make a good team. Absolutely spotless.” Looking at me up and down, it became apparent again that even as clean as the kitchen was, I needed to change my shirt.
“Shit.” I pulled the bottom of the material out, inspecting the spots of dust that scattered all over it. Frowning, I flattened it back out, ready to mock myself for a joke.
Jeremiah’s face didn’t change though, still casting that same smile that seemed to always be lazily stretched across his features. His hand found my skin for the second time that day. Only it didn’t wrap around my fingers in an embrace. Instead, he lifted his hand to my face. Thumb pressed to my lips, he smeared away the bottom of my cherry-strawberry ring that was beginning to stain.
Again, the heat rose and I felt almost fluttery at the closeness of it all. The intimacy of his actions.
“I like the red lip thing, by the way. Suits you.” With that he pulled away, thumb brought up between his own and sucking off the juice gathered across the tip.
He walked away like nothing had happened, while I stood there, red in the face and stuck on what had just happened. The boy I had always turned away in hopes that Conrad would chase after me like I had to him, was openly flirting with me. And I didn’t mind it.
Maybe it was the fact that I was lonely without the burning love for Conrad to fill my heart, or maybe it was the new found bond we formed over the last year. Which ever it was, it was leading me straight to my best friends arms, whether I liked it or not.
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The sun rose high above the horizon, casting an unbearable heat across Cousins. It was the beginning of July, officially today. Just a week after everyone had piled into their designated vehicles and arrived to their home away from home, the one place we could all be together constantly.
To say that the week had been weird would be an understatement. I had fully prepared to be ignored by Conrad all summer, my heart slowly closing itself off, finally healing from his sour attitude from the previous year and finding it in myself to move on. However, to my surprise, he didn’t. No, within the first twenty four hours, Conrad was banging on my door. Demanding we go early morning surfing. Something we hadn’t done in years.
Conrad first proposed the activity when we turned fourteen. Just old enough to go out unsupervised during the day. At first I had been skeptical, unsure of how great my surfing abilities were in comparison with Conrad’s. At how well I could get back above the water if I were to fall. But Conrad always had a way of convincing me otherwise. Like the angel and devil sat on my shoulder, he could sway me whichever way he wanted. It was a power only Conrad had ever held over me. Something that was not only endearing, but scary. Something I vowed to not allow anyone else to have over me.
It became a tradition for three years straight. Waking up early for at least half of the weekdays to either play around in the water or float for hours. Burning and getting more delirious by the hour. Sharing anything and everything with each other. Something I held close to me, in those years.
By eighteen, Conrad had turned moody, starting what could be summed up as last summer in a nutshell. His ignorance towards my feelings and his inability to care about the ones he did know about ending the tradition by mid July. I used to pray he would knock on my doors to go again, but the knock never came. And as any sensible person would, I stopped pretending like it was possible to happen again.
But maybe I had been wrong, seeing as Conrad was once again, knocking at my door.
The waves had been particularly calm that morning, barely rocking the boards up and down. We decided to just float along the waters that day, the air quiet and calm.
“I missed this.” His voice cut through the silence like a knife. I raised my head from the water, where my hands had been making shapes along the surface.
“So why’d you stop doing it?” The words came out harsher than intended. After all, I was enjoying our time together. I had missed him terribly. After all, while having a younger me around was soothing, having your other half was so much more fulfilling in some ways.
I guess it was the pent up frustrations I hadn’t known I had until that moment. The anger that was caused by the fact that Conrad had me. He had me in the palm of his hands and deep down he knew he did. He knew I would go wherever he went. The poor idiot unable to see his disinterest in me. He had walked out, and I had let him back in. Just like every fight ever, he would come back begging and I would crumble immediately.
I decided then I could be his friend, I always would. It was something that was irreversible. I would let him back into my heart as my best friend, but it ended there. I refused to let him back in romantically. Something that was strange to know. Something I never dreamed of happening.
Sure the feelings were still there, I believed they always would be, but I would no longer act on them. And hopefully I could learn to love another.
Conrad fell quiet again after that. Not knowing what to say. Anything, everything fell short.
“I’m sorry, Y/n/n. I’ve been such an asshole to you. I was just, scared of everything and not where I should’ve been last summer. I shouldn’t have taken out my issues on you. I shouldn’t have ignored you. If I could take it all back I would. I miss my other half.” It was genuine, each word out of his mouth. My heart beat faster with the idea that Conrad had phrased it, “other half” instead of, “best friend” because he held some sort of feelings for me. But my logical half shut that idea down as quick as it happened, and nothing came of it.
In the evening, I had been playing volleyball in the pool with Belly. Having been a retired varsity player, it was always fun to get competitive with her. Diving into the water and scraping our feet on the bottom of the pool. It was messy but fun.
With it being played just us for awhile, Belly jumped at the idea to have Jeremiah and Steven join us. The pair having walked outside unaware to the intense battle going on in their swim trunks, they were quickly recruited to our teams.
The usual teams were me and Steven, our competitive nature making us a powerhouse against the usual Belly and Jeremiah. Who were just as good but lacked the same fire. Without hesitation, they jumped into the water, calling dibs on their teams.
“Alright I call y/n!” Jere was quick, his sprint slowed to a hop in the waist deep water, arms wrapped around my frame in a tight hug.
Belly scoffed.
“What’s wrong with being on my team?” She demanded to know, her tone dripping with playfulness.
Jeremiah rolled his eyes.
“No offense, Bells. But I want to win for once.” She stuck her tongue out sourly, Steven shooting me daggers, ready to destroy us.
While Jeremiah’s excuse was reasonable, his lingering touches and constant banter with me made it more apparent he had other reasons to be on my team. The way his hands held onto the ball just a moment longer when handing the ball to me to serve over the net, just to brush against my fingers or the way his body was never too far from mine. It was all so flirtatious, the familiar fluttery feeling returning.
In the end, we had won, much to Stevens dismay. It was a close game, but ultimately he had lost control of the ball, causing a hard loss for Belly. The pair fought innocently while we relished in our newly earned bragging rights. Jeremiah’s arms wrapped around me again, only to lift me from the water and spin us around to celebrate. All the new closeness was unusual, but for some reason, again I found myself unable to push it away. And the more he did it, the more I wanted him to keep flirting with me.
Maybe it was the attention, something I had always wanted, or maybe it was something new blossoming between us. But it was good and it was sweet. Something I hadn’t known before.
By the end of the week it seemed my days were split into fractions. My mornings taken up my Conrad, our bodies laid along the beach and our cheeks red with the sun. Muffins runs long and hilarious each time we drove off to collect a batch together. Conrad insisting Steven wouldn’t mind if he ate the last blueberry one and being wrong each time, resulting in the scramble to get more. In the afternoons I found myself devoted to Jeremiah. All his activities he wanted to do, he had somehow managed to rope me into doing with him. Whether it be running or swimming. Painting or just talking, I was there beside him. My eyes stuck to his like glue. And by the time night fell, I would be happily tucked under a blanket, Susannah and Laurel on one side and Belly squishing against my other as we watched the sappiest movies we could find and played the longest board games in the closet. Summer felt like summer again, and my heart was finally mending.
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In my healing, it was like I had lost sight of the cause of the heartbreak. My head too stuck in the clouds that was the regaining of Conrad’s company and Jeremiah’s unrelenting interest in me to remember why the healing was necessary.
It seemed to have been over, this summer. The way Conrad avoided her more than usual. The way that the only times they were really together was when we were all in each other’s presence. But I would never really know as I am not them.
It was stupid to get so upset so late into the summer. Over something I should’ve seen coming. Something that had already came, just wasn’t as apparent. The moon was high and the moms were already settled in for the movie night. The blanket pulled up to their chins and popcorn buttery and still steaming.
Laurel had asked if I could go find Belly, not wanting to start without the person who adored these nights the most. Without thinking, I agreed. Why wouldn’t I? She was my little sister, in some ways. Someone who I refused to do the tradition without.
But god, I wish I hadn’t. I could’ve spared myself the heartbreak.
Conrad had Belly in his arms. Holding her loosely, letting her drift off without a care. All while his lips were on top of hers. Pressing into them with such force, such desire it made me sick. I had sworn to not let him back into my heart in that way, and I hadn’t. But the old feeling would always be there, and it would hurt each time he broke my heart like it was the first.
I wasn’t interested in the movie anymore. Yelling out some lazy excuse as to why I was going off to the beach to watch the stars instead of the movie. The mothers not giving it a second thought.
It was a mess, both mentally and physically. My brain scrambled in my emotions and my room reflecting it. My bathing suit was still damp, fitting perfect across my body even in the slight discomfort it gave me. The shirt I threw on over it wasn’t my own. The words, “Boston MA” spread across the chest. It hung at my thighs and it smelled fresh.
In moments like this I used to purposefully put on Conrad’s shirts I’d stolen over the years. The lingering scent of his cologne and the memories we held of him wearing them comforting enough. But in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to be as far away from his as possible.
I’m not sure who’s sandals I stole at the door were, but I hoped they didn’t need them anytime soon. Because I didn’t plan on coming back until the house was quiet and asleep.
The beach was my sanctuary. Peaceful, stranded at an hour like this. In any other place it would’ve been almost eerie, but I felt safe in Cousins. I knew nothing could hurt me here, and that in itself gave me peace.
The stars were brighter than usual tonight, sparkling on the surface of the very water I had laid across just hours before with Conrad. Confessing each dirty secret from college and laughing about our past. It felt more lonely now, then ever.
Even when Conrad and I were drifted, I felt more together than now. The wound reopened and bleeding.
The sand shuffled beside me, but my head was set on looking up. Unmoving.
“The stars are gorgeous tonight, huh?” The question was meant to be left unanswered. Only an attempt to get me to see that he was there, beside me now so I wouldn’t become startled by his presence later on. Still, I nodded. Eyes peeling from the sky to his.
They were just as bright and lively. Just as beautiful.
“Why’d you follow me? You my stalker now?” I tried to be funny, tried to joke. But my mouth was stuck in that almost permanent frown. I should’ve known he could sense my sensitivity, he always could. That’s probably what had drawn him out here in the first place. Always so attentive.
Still, to pity me, he laughed. It was quiet but it was there. Enough to make the corner of my mouth twitch upward. We fell into another silence. My eyes glossy.
“What’s going on in that mind of yours, y/n/n. Tell me.” His hand reached out to push at my shoulder, gaining my attention again, pulling it away from the sky.
I blinked away the tears, swallowing the lump in my throat. I shrugged.
“Honestly, I’m not really sure.” Closing my mouth, I licked along the top line of my teeth. Sucking in my lips, I let them pop to take in a sharp breath. All while Jeremiah sat there patiently, ready to listen. Always there.
“I guess it’s just, everything. I mean-“ I looked for the right words to say, not wanting to stumble or say something I didn’t mean.
“I feel like I’m just being overly emotional. Everyone’s trying so hard to mend relationships and I feel like I keep finding reasons to run away again. I mean, I’ve been horrible to Conrad the past year. And for what? Because I couldn’t control myself? I haven’t seen Steven in awhile and I don’t even know how Laurel is holding up. I’ve just…I don’t know why I feel like this.” Everything was building into a massive guilt, my head facing the ground. Ashamed at my own feelings. Jeremiah didn’t judge, he didn’t push for more. He let me say what I needed to say, and he supported it. He was good to me.
“Hey, hey.” He was quick, seeing how I was breaking down rapidly. Under the stress of now not only the heartbreak I was suffering, but the guilt that came with the buried desire for Conrad to leave her to be with me. It snowballed into one big vomit of grief that wasn’t discovered until that moment.
“I’m sorry.” I wiped my eyes, breathing into a weak chuckle. I tried to lighten the whole situation, knowing that he was already dealing with so much. I felt worse putting it onto his shoulders. I couldn’t. So I avoided it. Changed the subject.
“Shit, Jere. I shouldn’t have brought you into it.” I looked at him, his eyes already trained on mine, his eyebrows knit together.
“Don’t be. I’ll always be there for you, Y/n. Promise.” His hands found mine in the dark, the sand getting stuck between the creases on our palms. They laid intertwined in the sand. The third time it had happened this summer. Somehow, even at my worst, he always found a way to break down the walls I was putting up.
My eyes flickered to his lips for only a moment, but the look on his face told me he was thinking about it too and the tension was palpable. Too lost in thought to lean in, Jeremiah closed the gap.
His lips slotted against mine perfectly. Molding together like they were one, pressing together hard. It was slow, but lustful. The knowledge that we both wanted more behind it, but the accompanying knowledge that it wouldn’t go beyond that kiss tonight was also there, creating a sort of comfort in the feeling.
Hands were soon tangled in each others hair, his curls ruined and messy from my constant tugging and messing with them. Groans escaping his mouth every so often when a tug was harder than usual. His hands finding the back of my neck to hold me close, our breathing heavy and the heat unbearable as it radiated between us. Everything was lustful and needy, slow and hot. Neither of us in a rush to end what was happening, everything feeling overwhelmingly good.
When we finally did pull away it was with a pop, lips swollen and reddened from a mixture of irritation and the small marks Jere had left littered across the bottom of mine with his tugging and gentle nips every so often. Eyes were heavy with desire and bodies unwilling to let go. It was like everything fell into place, like everything made sense. With Jeremiah so close, someone who cared for me, someone who constantly showed up, the heartache was almost nonexistent, and it felt like I was being pulled in a new direction. One that led me straight into the arms of the younger Fisher.
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The kiss between Jeremiah and I should’ve stayed at that, a kiss. Realistically, I shouldn’t have done it at all. Knowing that even if I tried to stop it or refused to acknowledge it, my heart would always beat for Conrad. No matter how much of an asshole he had been to me. And that was the sad part, because his brother was so much kinder and better to me these past few years.
Maybe that’s why I agreed when it kept going. Why I allowed us to keep progressing into something more. Because even if my heart belonged to Conrad, Jeremiah was better for me, right? Why trade something that’s good for something that’s right?
That summer became last year, June coming up around the corner and still, physically I was Jeremiah’s.
Over our year together I had grown to love his curls, or the way he was so quick to visit me the second my voice faltered, despite his own troubles. How we had shared clothes and his touch was enough to send butterflies through my veins.
He was everything, someone I could grow to love as much as I did for Conrad. Someone that I could rely on. Someone who made my heart beat just a little bit faster.
If I had claimed that last summer was off, this one was tripled that.
What had started off semi normal in June, Conrad’s closeness in a strict platonic sense and Jeremiah’s closeness in a way that could be no where near a platonic level became more and more confusing as the weeks passed.
For the past two years of my life, I believed that one day the news would break that Conrad and Belly had finally found their place. Their title, their boundaries and make it exclusive. I believed that in her arriving with a new found beauty, I had lost the battle for him. I had come second to Belly in his eyes and would continue to forever if it meant he could be with her. But that never happened. The day never came.
And soon the lines became even more blurred. Conrad’s touches growing longer and closer. My body being pressed to his more often than not. His lips by my ear to whisper some secret, some dirty some innocent. His eyes staring just a second too long. It was almost flirtatious. But the minute Belly walked into the room, I was reminded that we could never be. And we would never be.
It wasn’t until the middle of August that I knew why the lines had seemingly disappeared. Belly and Conrad had stopped their messy make outs, both not getting what the other wanted, even if it had seemed like the pair was so enthralled by each other. And she had moved onto the boy she had been chasing for years. Cam Cameron. The boy who adored whales and had a heart of gold. His hair curlier than Jeres and eyes deeper than Conrad’s. It seemed that to her, she had finally found the person she needed around. And Conrad? He had nothing. Not even the girl he called his best friend to chase after him anymore. For she was with his brother now.
Still, the flirting was relentless. My mornings spent dedicated to Conrad, holding his hand as we attempted not to drift too far out in the calmness of the early ocean. His laugh warm and inviting. Something that reminded me why I enjoyed him so much. Even in his darkest moments, the ones where I was left to feel alone, he was always there to help me back up in the end. Mending his losses and fixing what was broke. He understood his issues, finding his own responsibility in situations that weren’t only his own cause. He was kind, he cared. He didn’t show it like Jeremiah did, but he had so much of it, it was just harder to see. He did everything for everyone.
My nights were for his brother. Jeremiah and I sprawled out on the grass, pointing at the stars, laughing about the stupidest things. I think back on why I like him so much. How easy it is to just be with him. How he never fights or lies or hurts. He’s there and accepts his faults, much like his brother. He is not ashamed like his brother. Not ashamed of his faults, he carries less guilt about the past, only worried about what he can do to fix it and continue on. And it is all so confusing because it feels impossible to long for two people at once. It feels selfish but it’s almost exactly what I want in that moment.
So the routine became something that I stuck to. Hiding away with Conrad in the sunlight to do our favorite things and holding onto Jeremiah throughout the night. The bed full, warm.
Somewhere in this thread, there was a bump. A miscommunication that led to Jeremiah wandering off to a party without me. One that I didn’t mind as it gave me a chance to clear my mind. Catch my breath on the situation. To do it in the one place I knew.
The concrete beneath my feet turned to sand, the softened surface relaxing as I tread across it. In the darkness I almost miss the hunched over figure in my spot. Red hoodie and messy hair unmissable. Easily identifiable even from the back, even with only an outline. An outline I had grown to recognize as Conrad’s.
I should’ve felt disappointed at the fact I wasn’t alone like I had planned to be, but I wasn’t. The idea that I would be with the one person I trusted more than life for a few hours wasn’t unsettling at all. It made it all more peaceful.
My legs folded underneath me, legs stretching out in front of me, I leaned back on my hands.
Looking up at Conrad I almost got a sort of deja vu from a similar conversation I was having just short of a year ago.
“What brings you down here this late?” I drew shapes in the sand, eyes drawn to his. He looked up to the sky, then back to me.
“I could ask you the same.” I smiled, only after realizing he had cracked one of his own.
“Clearing my mind.” I breathed out, relaxed fully next to him. I allowed myself to look at the stars with him.
“What are you think about?” I could hear his smile, something that made me feel warm. Something that made me want to express how I felt for him finally, but also urged me to put my strongest walls up.
The waves crashed against the shore and the crickets filled the silence. My teeth caught between my lip and my heart besting out of my chest, I felt dizzy in confusion. Where my heart lied.
“I think I might tell Jeremiah I love him.” I almost whispered it, like I was unsure.
The thought hadn’t crossed my mind before. I always knew my heart held something for Jeremiah. I always liked him. But not once did the idea of confessing my love for him cross my mind. Maybe it was because Conrad was close. He always had a way to make me confess my truest feelings. Maybe it was that, him helping me realize what I felt for his younger brother. Yet, in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but feel that the idea only came to mind in spite of Conrad, who had pushed me aside so many months ago. Who was now longing for my attention. And that alone made me feel sick. Sick that I would play with someone I adored so much at the expense of another, just to retaliate against old issues.
I expected a fake support from him. At least some sort of statement to encourage me to go for it. Something that I could try to believe was real and finally be able to let go of my twisted crush for him. One that I had held since I knew what love could be.
But his face fell flat, eyes looking almost coldly into the sky. His voice was dryer now, serious with each word he spoke.
“Don’t tell him.” I froze, confused but also bubbling with a mixture of frustration and sadness at his carelessness with such a heavy statement.
“What?” I tried to search his unmoving eyes.
“Don’t tell him.” He repeated, looking to me now.
“Why?” Looking at him, I saw the sun and the stars and moon, all lighting up the night sky. I saw the world in a way that made me want to put it in the palm of his hands. I saw something I’d never seen in his eyes before. A look I was only familiar with because it was a reflection of my own.
“Why?” He repeated me again, “You know why.”
My heart dropped. I had dreamt of this moment for years. Conrad running to me, asking me to take his hand. To be with him, but now, it felt almost sickening. Cruel for him to be doing this to me. Now, he had to do it. After his life fell apart and just as mine was coming together he had to do it.
I used my hands to slowly get up, Conrad mirroring my movements.
“No…no.” I repeated, trying to make my answer any more true.
“Yes.” His hand reached out to touch my cheek, but my hand was quick to push it away.
“No, Conrad.” I backed away more, letting him inch closer.
“What?” He asked, acting clueless to how he was ripping me apart all over again.
“You’re being mean, stop it. Stop it.”
“What? How am I being mean?” He almost sound amused at it, at how distressed I felt. All I could do was try to hold myself together for just a little longer.
“I have been second to Belly these past few years in everything. And I will not be the person you settle for just because you cannot have her.” My words held more truth than anything I had ever said in my life. The honest truth of how I felt these past few years, even if he never saw it.
“I won’t-I won’t do it.” I shook my head, his face broken and his eyebrows drawn together.
I wiped my brow, turning away briefly while my lip trembled. Slowly crumbling under the bubbling hot emotion coming up my throat, expanding into a lump.
“I won’t-not when I have spent my entire life loving you.” I wanted to point, stick my finger right in his chest but my hands were glued to my sides, unwilling to touch him. With his silence as my returning answer, I took the chance to turn on the balls of my feet, walking off to the house in a new kind of distress than before.
I prayed that Jeremiah was still away, that I wouldn’t have to face him so soon but my prayers were left unanswered, a familiar frame sat over the kitchen island. His eyes drawn to his phone.
He smiled up at me as soon as he noticed I was in the room, everything about him so innocent and kind. Something I could never take advantage of. Something I could deprive someone else more deserving of it from.
His sweet smile soon turned into a mixed expression of pain and confusion. His feet carrying him across the room to me. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but to put my arms out in front of me to create a distance. To relay it to him even when my mouth wouldn’t work that I could not be in his touch right now.
I shook my head before he could even speak, eyes opening, covered in a heavy gloss.
“What’s wrong?” He was almost frantic in the way he said it, wanting to provide comfort without knowing how.
“I-I can’t. I can’t do this, Jere. I can’t do this.” I kept repeating it like it would get any clearer.
“I can’t love you. And it physically hurts me to say it out loud because, because I should. You’re everything I could ever want but I just can’t and I don’t know why. And it’s wrong, and I’m sorry but I can’t keep doing this.” His face almost drained, attempting to salvage what I was so quick to let go of. But it all made sense.
It was foolish for him to believe that he could make me love him, when my heart so obviously still beat for Conrad. So he let me go just as he always does, without a fight. Letting there be peace in our divide.
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The next few nights were unforgiving. The sheets a mess and my eyes tired. I couldn’t sleep knowing I had ruined everything in my eyes. What was something good I had to go and end because of my inability to let him go. Something I am unsure I will ever be able to do. Not when I’ve spent so much time bending to fit him.
Soon, summer would be over officially, even if to me it had ended that night. It was the last morning of August, the last day spent down in Cousins before we’d all pack our things into the car and count down the days until next June.
The sun had barely risen above the horizon when I woke. A familiar pattern. Not being able to sleep more than a few hours, the mess of everything keeping me awake.
It was mornings like these I wandered down to the beach, sitting myself in the same spot I had the night everything crashed down. It was all too peaceful for what had happened here, the only place I truly felt secure now. I couldn’t help but cry, looking out. Remembering everything that had happened, kissing those who were just a few feet away.
“Y/n!” His voice called out to me, like he knew I had woken up. He knew where I would be. And it was sweet but sickening.
“Why did you do it?” My voice broke, the question left unanswered. I heard his footsteps stop.
“Why now did you have to tell me? Why is it when I’m finally picking myself up you had to fuck with me. Why?” I all but sobbed, tears streaming freely.
Over my sniffles and pleas, I missed the sound of him moving again, his body finding a home in the sand next to mine. His voice quiet. He thought about it, hard. Trying to form some sort of confession that could sum up what he felt.
“Because if you said it, that meant he won. I would have finally lost you.” He looked at me truthfully, eye own eyes squinting in confusion, heart still aching.
“What?” I breathed out.
“I have spent every waking minute of my life so fucking in love with you, it physically hurt me to not be able to confess it. I was always too scared, seeing how perfect you looked with everyone else. I felt like I was dragging you down. Like I wasn’t enough. So, I found comfort in other people. People who were okay with me using them to forget. Because forgetting is better than living with the fact that my brother was with the only person I have ever loved.” My eyes searched his, his eyes glossy just like mine. His voice breaking and desperate. Wanting me, needing me to believe him.
“I love you too.” The smallest smile broke out across his face, one of relief and comfort in my words. I could sense the hesitation in his actions, and just as Jeremiah had to me, I closed the gap between us. Allowing my lips to press against his with desperation yet so much love. A kiss that had been coming for years. Building without either of us aware of its existence. It wasn’t long and lustful like Jere’s was. It was sweet and short. Just long enough to get across its impact. Just enough to take our breathes away.
His forehead rested on mine, his hands on mine and his eyes looking into mine. Breathing me in, letting us just be close for a moment, letting us just be there. Existing. And it was all so calming.
I always imagined this summer ending with Jeremiah and I celebrating our one year. His arms wrapped around me as we parted ways. I never could have imagined myself on the same beach it all started, the lips against mine not his, but his brothers. An old love becoming a new love. The beginning.
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glittergeldreams · 6 days ago
Text
·. ✦ Twilight Dr
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But it doesn't matter how hard they tried, something special always comes out. And in a land where people transform into wolves and deadly predators shine in the sun, a secret like magic can't be hidden for long.
Who said vampires and shapeshifters were the only magical creatures to exist in Forks?
For centuries, witches have disguised themselves as humans. Timeless, beautiful women who were able to change their appearance as they wished, living to the sides or integrated in society as if there was nothing special about them at all.
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That's why when my mother died giving birth to me, my aunt took me in and moved away from forks and the rest of our family. After all, two witches living in the same house isn't something that can go unnoticed by the supernatural, especially if one of them is still an infant unable to control her powers.
So we said goodbye to Charlie and moved away. For years. Over and over again until we had to stay put for years so that I could attend school.
But my aunt didn't want to have children not only because of the dangers of a witch childbirth, and it was obvious that caring for me was becoming a burden for her.
That when we decided I'd spend my last two years of high school with Charlie and Bella, who moved back with Charlie too.
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Bella and I always stayed in touch, despite me traveling all over the world with our aunt. So when she told me she'd go stay with her dad, I decided to move with uncle Charlie too.
After all, I loved Forks when I was a kid.
⋆ Me:
Ivory (Ivy) Swan, a witch living on her own for the first time, practicing magic, studying as a teenager and discovering all the new creatures that live hidden behind the human facade just like her.
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I always wear crystals on me, and I play around with magic even to do the smallest things, just to become comfortable with it.
One thing I often do, is change my hair color. It's easy to explain it to humans as temporary hair dye and I can have fun without damaging my hair.
I have my own little notebook I always bring with me and where I write everything that comes to my mind.
I'm not the most outgoing person, but I don't mind being around people. I try to see the bright side of everything, and despite not always being able to show it, I care deeply about my friends, and I'd do anything of them.
⋆ How I spend my days:
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I read and write in my journals whenever I can. I have a passion for romances and fantasy books. I just love to compare my magic with the one written in the books, and test my limits.
I love spending time in nature, and I tend to all the plants in Charlie's house.
Since studying comes easy to me, I'll get a job in the Forks' bookstore to help Charlie with rent, and go to LaPush on the weekends when the sun is out and the Cullens have to stay in.
I obviously practice magic as often as I can.
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When I'll become friends with the Cullens, I'll start spending time at their house too.
While I know their secret, I'll enjoy playing with them with my magic for a while, just to see how long it takes them to figure it out.
Knowing Alice, not too long.
⋆ My family:
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Daughter of Laura Swan and an unknown man she never gave a name or a face to, I've grown up traveling the world with my aunt Meghan.
Charlie, her brother and my uncle, never knew about magic even when they were little, since their father believed it would hurt their relationship if he knew.
When I come back, all my aunt tells me to do is to never let Charlie know about magic.
Bella and I have always seen each other in the summer growing up, then started sending each other letters and e-mails when we grew up, always keeping in touch.
I consider her my sister more than my cousin.
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cr4yolaas · 7 months ago
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mezzo forte — half return
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track 4: the horse | masterlist | track 6: workaholic methodology
translation notes: nanay = mom; lola = grandma; ulam = a filipino dish that goes with rice; sinigang = a soupy dish containing meat, veggies, fish sauce, etc.
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the air conditioning rattles inside the dining room, the noise serving as background noise to a scene that reminds hajime of home. an amalgamation of steamed bok choy, marinated pork belly, and acrid fish sauce wafts through the air. this week's ulam is sinigang. her favorite, he recalls.
the empty space beside the pair leaves a bitter taste of emptiness and longing on their tongues, but neither expresses it, nor are they aware of the other's parallel feelings. instead, they sit in comfortable silence while hajime's nanay spoons the soup into a serving bowl and his lola plates the freshly cooked rice, the scene reminiscent of childhood summers spent together under the blazing heat with the promise of good, hearty food.
billows of steam dance up, up, and up into the ceiling and drift away into nothingness, all while two chairs squeak against wood, alerting the table of the women's arrival. tooru thanks them for the meal excitedly. something is amiss.
"it's too hot to eat sinigang in this weather," his mother scolds, despite carefully pouring a spoonful of the soup into her own bowl of rice. "you should've asked me to cook something cooler. i would've been fine with cooking those korean cold noodles you always like."
"it's fine," her son responds earnestly. his words are slightly muffled from the bits of meat and veggies stuffed in his cheeks, a habit he hadn't grown out of since his youth. "it tastes good, anyways."
tooru's eyes light up with his own taste of the meal. "really good. it tastes really, really good. they don't have food like this in argentina, you know."
hajime's lola chuckles at his remark, her back flushed against her seat and her hands folded on her lap. "i'm sure you missed this," she remarks. something in her tone is airy yet playful. "hajime told me about your travels. have you found any lovers overseas? any romance?"
"oh, yes! it's good for you guys to find someone to settle with at your age," his mother chirps in, and the two men are choked with shock.
unease riddles itself into both of their bones. there's a truthful, honest answer that they're both capable of crafting in their heads. but if there is one thing they have in common, it's that they're stubborn. so, together (unknowingly), they push away their respective realities and opt for something vague. something that prances around the bushes of what they know to be factual.
the argentinian is the first to speak up. "i have a little bit of an interest in someone, but i don't think i plan on doing anything about it soon." there's an awkward chuckle tacked onto the end of his statement and a crack in his syllables, but he tries desperately not to think about it. he glances over at hajime in hopes that whatever his friend says will save them from the pressure.
"same for me. work's too busy these days, i can't focus on those things right now, nanay."
much to his demise, it doesn't save them, at all.
--
"...and we walked around the villages for quite a bit, talked to a few locals; it was fun. i think the scenery helped with my writing block."
the man across from her wears a corporate smile and it irks her, almost. he's not the ideal image of a manager. she'd envisioned something more friendly, something therapeutic, far from the person sitting on her couch writing down notes dutifully.
"that's good," he exclaims absentmindedly as he continues to jot down note after note after note. she wonders what he could possibly be writing about. her poor time management skills? her diminishing motivation and lack of individualism in a growing sea of competition? she doesn't want to imagine it.
he pauses for a moment. the notebook in his hands plops neatly onto the coffee table, and his hands settle onto his lap. it's too professional. too robotic. "have you considered going on tour?"
"sorry?"
"well, i was talking to your label, and they believed that it'd be a fitting time for you to do a tour around the country considering the rapid success of your most recent album." the man's stare burns laser-ignited holes into her flesh, as if he isn't asking her to consider the offer, but rather telling her to do it.
"but i thought they wanted me to begin working on a new album," she quips. there's a small edge of bitterness to her voice that leaks out against her will.
her manager, with all the neutrality and competence he can muster, chuckles softly at her concern. "of course, we already thought about that. we were wondering if you would like to try having a third party produce your instrumentals, in order to lessen the burden and ensure faster production. all you'd have to do while on tour is work on your lyrics and record. it's time efficient, and distributes all the responsibilities as opposed to you handling everything on your end."
she wants to laugh at him, but she knows it's improper and rude when all he's trying to do is maximize her profit -- the job that he was assigned to do. but she can't quite fight the twitch beneath her eye and the shifting of her weight in her disturbance. "look, i understand you're trying to help me, but-" her breath hitches. a tinge of anger bubbles up in her throat and she's scared it's going to make things worse. her hands grab at the fabric of her pants as if to restrain herself from unleashing something she doesn't quite mean. "i've been doing everything the same way every year -- i've composed every song, i've written every lyric, all the music videos are directed by me, and i don't get why you would think changing any of that would help."
anxiety crawls up the surface area of her spine and clings onto her. her manager is silent, evidently deep in thought, and his eyes drift away to the window. his hand smooths his hair away from his forehead, the action embedding some sort of fear into her that she knows is misplaced. "let's talk about this another time. i'll give you a while to consider the deal. i hope you can compose a clear and concise answer by then," he speaks, his tone far too formal for her liking. he excuses himself before she can respond, and before she can think about what he said, the door closes (nearly slams) shut behind her.
she can't help the small yet fleeting curse that spills from her lips, nor the sigh that escapes shortly after. irritation is a cruel and ugly feeling, she decides.
but the door squeaks open just as quickly as it was shut. footsteps -- heavy, loud, and slow -- approach the couch from behind. when she looks up, she's met with a pair of faces looking down at her.
"we brought drinks," tooru chirps out in an attempt to alleviate the friction coagulating in the air. "and food. from iwa's mom, of course."
the upturn of her lips is beyond her control. "i really need that," she breathes out. hajime shakes his head at the misery before him.
"what'd you do?"
"i didn't do anything. it's just more grievances from the industry. they want this, they want that; anything that'll grant them more money will do."
the two make themselves comfortable beside her, with the more lively of the duo on her right and her muse on her left. tooru pops open the bottle of soju unceremoniously while hajime pries open the tupperware lid on the table. the scene is welcoming and warm, a stark contrast to the cold monotony of her manager and the white-hot resentment simmering in her lungs. it feels right.
her eyes fall to the desktop at the side of the room and the haphazard arrangement of materials on her table (a leather notebook filled with vague compositions of soon-to-be-lyrics, the same pen she's been using since her second year of high school, an expensive microphone provided to her by her label that she needs to clean more often), and for the first time in a long while, she finds herself questioning the importance of her career. gone are the days of drafting cheesy songs in her bedroom and singing about the infatuation that seems to have altered her perception of the word permanently; she's become a cog to the machine and she only realizes it now. something in her aches.
hajime's stare follows hers, his cheeks puffed up with warm sinigang and rice. he questions the furrow in her brow and the displeasure in her gaze and finds his mind running back to the other night. the syrupy words and heartfelt verbiage clearly addressed to someone he may or may not know plague his mind, and he wonders if he'd find something similar in the notes sprawled across her desk.
tooru is silent. as opposed to his friends, whose eyes are cast to the same point, he's stuck watching them. the proximity of their legs, the coordination in their movement, the warmth that exudes from their combined presence; it all slowly chips away at whatever buried hope he'd carried with him from argentina to his home country.
it's a half return to normalcy. they're all bound together by long-time loyalty and care, but with the transfiguration of their hearts, it's different. there's a shift in the air attributed to maturation and growth. they don't want to acknowledge it.
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♪ sorry if this is vague </3 i don't want to explain too in depth in fear of exposing too much plot but essentially this a moment where they realize that they can't really go back to normal (as in, the way they used to be as friends) with all of their changing lives and changing feelings
♪ i say this every time but i hope this chapter makes sense LOL its a lot less silly and more just a feeling of dread
♪ slightly based on half return by adrienne lenker (such a beautiful song)
♪ tooru definitely did gossip with hajime's mom and grandma while they were cooking. he loves listening to them rant about their annoying neighbors or lovesick coworkers
♪ i hc that hajime speaks in taglish (tagalog + english) on accident sometimes with yn and tooru but they've listened to his mom and lola talk enough that they understand
♪ i dont have much to say i just want to get to the next chapter already
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taglist: @froyaoya @causenessus @guitarstringed-scars @yuminako @chemiru @sunnyskiezzzz @httpsivy @itsdragonius @theycallmenanamisgirl @wyrcan @19calicos @hunnies4bunnies @mawenskiblue @diorzs @loverlunaire @mfcherry @solaqes
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likeawildthing · 1 month ago
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As a recovering GirlBoss, I’m officially breaking up with my post-Christmas planning routine:
26- all Christmas decorations down
27- take stock of current year
28- values assessment
29- SMART goals for upcoming year with 6-8 life categories, fully planned by quarter
30-31 fully form this in my bullet journal while watching The life changing Magic of Tidying Up
Jan 1: Bring. It. On. Whole house, health, and work reset.
Sound exhausting? It was!
I don’t look on this era of my life (2016-2022) with cringe. Quite the opposite! That girl radically transformed her life from a broke, traumatized, single mom, community college dropout to a financially stable, creative, happy, MBA graduate with her dream job.
I am so grateful for her drive, determination, and passion. I am so proud of her.
And also? I’m so relieved I can no longer relate.
As someone whose core values are consistently curiosity and growth, I’m willing to adapt and change over time, shedding practices that no longer serve me in favor of those that do.
In 2022, at my post-graduation dinner, I signed a napkin promising my friends I would slow down. And I did, immediately scaling back my volunteerism and commitments in favor of radical rest and the pursuit of creative endeavors.
That winter, I made a paper chain to count down towards the winter Solstice in an effort to thwart the post-time change blues. When it worked, I adopted warmth, coziness, and light into my winter routine. Candles. Electric blankets. A soup a week. I also adapted my speed, just as we have done for most of our time on this earth. It also worked!
Since then, naturally, I’ve slowly been attuning my life to the seasons.
Spring — renewal, garden, waking up. Summer — enjoying time outdoors, being active and social.
Fall — abundance and gratitude, preparation for the holidays.
Winter is now a time of peace, joy, and reflection. I close my curtains at four, intentionally, and turn on my lamps, hit Netflix fireplace, and hang with a craft on my lap and good music in the background.
But I was still clinging to that last vestige of my GirlBoss era—my post-holiday planning session.
On the 26th, I couldn’t bring myself to take down the tree. She’s gorgeous and I love her! She’s staying up until January 6th this year. With the new job, I can’t take the entire week off. That’s ok! I still started my planning process.
No buy 2025.
Nervous system regulation.
A holistic health plan.
Glow up 2025!
Bucket list travel items.
To read, watch, and listen liste.
WIP creative projects.
Home to do list.
Dopamine list
Dot grid notebook ordered.
Action steps! Quarterly plans! Stationary!
And this morning, with my bullet journal still unfinished, I tried to reconcile stacks of paper with notes, dozens of screen shots, and multiple notes apps.
I felt frazzled, overwhelmed, and defeated. Why couldn’t I pick a path forward? Why couldn’t I even start a January page. Planning is my jam! As an ADHDer, it’s practically my calling.
So I had to ask myself…why am I doing this? If this is something I truly want to do, that aligns with my values, then it shouldn’t be this hard.
My time of renewal has transitioned to spring; so shouldn’t that be my time of planning for the new year? Isn’t it a little crazy to have fifteen major life goals this year? 2024 just wrapped up, so shouldn’t I take time to reflect on it, take stock, and truly understand what I want to take into my next year? Shouldn’t I take time to recover from the holidays? Would the world end if I stay slow and steady and take this slow season to fill my metaphorical well?
No, it will not.
So that’s what I’m doing.
My January calendar is noted with intentional social engagements and creative time. I put my goals away and instead loaded a bunch of reflective journal prompts to work through in the next month. Or two. Or three!
It feels vulnerable and wrong, not walking into the New Year with a Plan. But the bigger part of me thinks my lowercase plan—to rest, reflect, and connect with my friends and family, is going to work just fine.
So my hope for you is that you are at peace with where you’re at. And if you aren’t at peace, that you take the time to understand why, and that you’re willing to adjust course.
If you need a GirlBoss era, l will cheer you on, every step of the way! If you have a few goals, I hope you stick with them!
But if you, like me, want to stay slow, recover, and savor the season?
Come and sit.
How would you like your tea?
Ref pics (the napkin, my tree):
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inolienkiki · 4 months ago
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I'm being very vague about plot points and character names here in the faint hope that it may entice some of you to watch this show.
on my... 4th? 5th? rewatch of DARK I'm paying a lot more attention to the character arcs, to figuring out how everyone got to the point they did. For a while the extent of my Adam takes was "haha stupid idiot man point and laugh, you can't even kys correctly" but recently I saw a post that made me stop and think and actually try to empathize with this character. This was immeasurably depressing (which is probably why I hadn't been considering it before).
The material extent of my take hasn't changed- I still think Adam is a truly stoopid person and by far the dumbest out of the three main characters in this show- but the context I have for this has changed a lot. See, each one of these characters is a planner who develops strategies for years down the line and uses all the information at their disposal to make those plans- but the way they get that information, and therefore how much they're able to do with it, is VERY different.
Adam remembers information. Everything he knows he got from his younger self; he functions almost entirely on memory. When he does stuff, like sending his younger self to summer 2019, or sending his sister to the apocalypse, or even attempting to build the God Particle machine in 1888, he's doing it because he remembers how all this stuff happened, and thus needs to keep it that way. Adam never actually seeks out new information, because every time he has in the past, it's absolutely demolished his life. He was investigating at the very beginning of the show- going into the caves, talking to his family members to figure out how much they knew- but at some point, he stops. He's lost that. He no longer views the knot as something to discover or manipulate, he thinks of it as something to escape from, and often completely fails to take others' plans or ideas into account. For 33 years he was sitting on the information that alt-Martha said she knew him, and not once did it occur to him to figure out why she said that or what bearing it might have on his plan. Seriously! If he'd investigated that, he could have altered his plan so it actually worked! And I don't blame him.
Eva generates information. Everything she knows she got from her older selves. Because she has almost absolute control over her own domain, and because she's been working in harmony for almost her whole life, she essentially bootstraps the information back to herself. You could call this working on memory, too, but I think it's a clear enough distinction, since she's actually honest to her younger self once they start working together. We don't have much on Eva, unfortunately, but we do know that her son was responsible for the notebook, and somehow I doubt he went and measured the "megahertz values" of all the cave time travel when they could've just used Adam's notebook and copied them over. (I don't buy that he actually killed Eva, but that's a different story.) Eva's son also works with his younger selves just like she does. Noah and Egon seem to as well, working with her. It's smart, it's thorough, and it totally would have worked, if it hadn't completely backfired.
The White Devil researches information. Out of all the main characters, she seems to do the most research. First off, she's actually a scientist, so naturally it's in her background. Even before she finds out about time travel, she's looking into the incident at the power plant, questioning Bernd about it, and being weird with Tronte. The very first thing she does when she gets access to time travel is go 30 years forward and look herself up. When she can't find her future self again, she realizes she's going to have to do this on her own, and proceeds to do so for the rest of her life. When Eva presents her the opportunity to work with another version of herself, she decides she wants more information, shoots her in the fucking head, and thereby goes and gets it. I'm confident that out of all the characters in this entire show (apart from origin HGT) this character is the only one who has any idea how time travel works or what to do with it. I love her for it.
So, I guess... trust the numbers, not yourself?
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ww2yaoi · 9 months ago
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[Here's another taste of my so far untitled webgott fic because I feel like sharing but know finishing the fic is going to take a while longer so enjoy...]
The sun is beginning to set when David finally rises from his chair, eyes stinging from staring at a blank page for so long. He closes his notebook, grabs a towel, then starts down the winding pathway from the hotel to the lake.
Thankfully, no one’s at the dock when he gets there. The horizon is bathed in burnt orange light, slowly dimming as the sun settles between the mountain peaks in the distance. The air is a bit too cool for a swim, but David enjoys the breeze as it bites at his skin. Anything to draw him out of his thrumming head, to distract him from the lacuna in his sternum, aching with oblivion.
He strips all the way, wanting nothing between him and the water, and dives into the lake. The cold water hits him like a grenade blast, roaring past his ears and soaking him deep to the bone. When David was a child, spending summers away from school on East Coast beaches, he used to see how long he could hold his breath underwater. He would revel in frightening his mother when his head failed to emerge from the waves for minutes at a time. He liked it down there. It was quiet, and he could imagine himself coming from a different world, somewhere unknown and endless where he was better understood, inexplicable like the ocean but loved for his inexplicability all the same.
In the present, David holds his breath until his lungs sting and his head feels fuzzy. Eyes closed, he welcomes the black, embraces the stillness surrounding him. Then, he emerges, gasping, droplets beading like pearls at the ends of his hair. His eyes flutter open, and the first thing he sees is the bottom of a jump boot resting at the edge of the dock. David follows the line of the attached leg to the face peering over at him.
Joe is lounging there with an elbow propped up behind him. He nurses a cigarette, the cherry burning tangerine between his pursed lips. His paratrooper jacket is opened to reveal the clean white of his undershirt, his Magen David glinting around his neck in the dying sunlight.
“Thought you were never gonna come back up for air,” Joe says and the smoke he exhales conceals his pinched expression.
David is surprised to see him. He stands up in the water, toes nestling in the wet sand. Luckily, the waterline comes up to his waist, hiding his nakedness.
“How long have you been sitting there?” he asks.
“Long enough to wonder if you’d fucking drowned,” Joe says, scowling.
“What are you doing here?” David replies. He crosses his arms over his bare chest, feeling oddly exposed underneath the razor’s edge of Joe’s gaze. “I thought you were avoiding me.”
“I was,” Joe admits. His eyes flick downwards. “I heard about Janovec. Chuck says you were there.”
News travels fast; David frowns. “So what? You here to blame me for it?”
Joe’s eyebrows furrow. “Jesus, Web. Why the fuck would I blame you?”
David shrugs. “I don’t know, Joe. You blame me for a lot of things.”
Joe smirks, a disparate concoction of amusement and irritation that David has memorized on his face a thousand times before. He takes another drag of his cigarette and taps ash into the water. It floats on the surface like flakes of pepper in a bowl of tomato soup.
“Yeah, Web, like what?”
David meets his eyes, unwilling to back down. “Well, for one, you blame me for getting wounded in Holland. You blame me for missing Bastogne. You blame me for not killing a man just because you asked me to—”
“He was a fucking Nazi,” Joe spits, expression hardening. “He deserved to die.”
“Maybe so,” David volleys back. “But the war is over, Joe. Why bloody our hands? Where does this end for you?”
“Until they fucking pay.”
“Yeah, who? Who pays? Millions of people are complicit. Are you going to kill half the population of Germany?”
Joe goes quiet at that, fiddling with his cigarette between his thumb and index finger. His silence simmers with anger and something else, something somber and oppressive, and David realizes he much prefers his open-mouthed rage to this. The only time he’s seen Joe this short for words was after Landsberg, and the last thing David wants is a repeat of that.
It makes him think back to the German baker whose throat he held a gun to. Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, he can feel the weight of the pistol in his hand, his finger inching closer and closer to the trigger. Sometimes, in his dreams, he pulls it. He never told Joe what happened that day. Maybe Joe would say he should have done it.
“You want to go home, right?” David adds quietly. “Leave all this behind?”
Joe says nothing. By now, the sun has dipped behind the mountainscape, painting everything in a spectral blue. A gust of wind whips across the lake, casting ripples through the water, and David shudders slightly. Goosebumps pimple his arms.
“Come on,” Joe says, beckoning him with the tilt of his head. “Get out of the water, Web. You’re shivering.”
“Okay,” David says, but heat blooms on the back of his neck. “You might want to look away though.”
“Why?”
“I’m naked, Lieb.”
Joe snorts and smoke pours out his nose. “What? You ashamed of that tiny, uncut dick of yours?”
David rolls his eyes. “It’s not tiny.”
“Well, it’s hard to see with all that hair on you.”
“You’ve been looking?”
“Jesus Christ,” Joe says. “Come on. We’ve showered together. It’s nothing I haven’t seen.”
“Suit yourself.”
David wades over to the edge of the dock and pulls himself up out of the water, getting to his feet. He reaches for the towel by his discarded clothes, keeping his eyes trained on the tree line in front of him, knowing full well if he glances over at Joe and sees him looking he’ll flush from head to toe. David wraps the towel around his waist and sits down beside him on the dock, pale legs outstretched and freckled with lake water.
They look out at the horizon and David feels the distance stretching between them, like he and Joe are the twin but separate mountain peaks piercing the dusky sky miles ahead. Joe finishes his cigarette and butts it out on the dock, leaving a scorch mark on the wood. He tosses it into the water and it floats for a moment on the surface before being swept under by a wave.
“Hell,” Joe says after a while, his voice low. “What the fuck do I have to go home to?”
David snaps his head to look at him. “What are you talking about?” he says.
“Nothing.” Joe looks sullen, chin tucked towards his chest. “Forget it.”
“What about your job at the cab company?” David asks. “The Jewish girl with the big tits? What about your family?”
Joe scoffs. “Yeah? What the fuck am I gonna say to them? What am I gonna tell my ma?”
“You tell them whatever you want to tell them,” David says. “That you’re a war hero, that you saved Western civilization as we know it.”
Joe laughs, a bitter, leery thing. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”
David shrugs. He doesn’t know what he thinks anymore, about the war, about the things he’s done, the things he’s seen. Sometimes he lies awake at night and wonders how his life might be different, if in some version of history the right politicians had shaken hands and all this destruction and bloodshed had been avoided. Joe would still be driving his cab around Frisco, maybe he’d have a wife and a home and children to fill it, and David would be back at Harvard, studying Tolstoy and Flaubert and writing his novel. They never would have met except in this ravaged and desolate place. They would have no reason to relate to one another, vastly different men from vastly different backgrounds, situated on disparate coasts on opposite sides of the country.
David doesn’t believe in fate, or predestination, or whatever the poets call it, but there’s an inevitability to it all, that David would find his way to Easy, to Joe. He’s not even sure if they’re friends, but since Joe lifted him up into that truck in Haguenau, he’s felt drawn into Joe’s orbit. If David’s being honest with himself, he’s never fit in well with the guys of Easy. Not really. They tolerate him, sure, but they never seek him out, not like Joe does. David has never fit in anywhere, not at HQ before his transfer, not at Harvard, not even in his own goddamn family. Without Joe, without his ardour and annoying persistence, it’d be like being lost at sea.
David is pulled out of his thoughts when he feels a knobby finger jab him in the leg. He looks down and sees that Joe is poking him in the calf where the Kraut bullet pierced his skin in Holland, just barely missing the bone. The scar there is pink and mottled, the flesh raised and twisted like the mark on Joe’s neck.
“Hey, quit it,” David says and drags his leg away from Joe’s touch.
Joe leans back on his elbows, smirking. “So that’s the million-dollar wound.”
David glares at him. “If it was a million-dollar wound I’d be home by now,” he says. “And I’m still fucking here, aren’t I?”
Something softens in Joe’s expression, and if David didn’t know any better he might mistake it for fondness.
“That you are, Web. That you are.”
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rosiesdisneydrama · 7 days ago
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GF X Sky: Wave Your Flags
AN: A coming out Fic for this AU. Just Stan and Ford. I may write Dipper coming out to Ford later, but that's later Me's problem.
Stan liked seeing Mabel’s sweaters.
She was an excellent knitter and a fast one too, so he liked seeing what new creation she’d made since the previous day. She certainly managed to have one or even two new sweaters each day, even when she’d already finished one the day before.
If they tried to make a sweater, it would take them weeks before it was done. And it probably wouldn’t even look half as nice as one of their great niece’s creations. Never mind cranking them out at the pace Mabel managed.
(He worried she was going to burn herself out at the rate she worked. Maybe he needed to help with that? Suggest other crafting hobbies for her to try. Macaram maybe? Quilting? Maybe he could find a book on patternless sewing that she would like as one of her birthday presents… Or maybe some books on making cloaks and capes? She seemed interested after Summerween. Or, heck, maybe a book on costume leatherworking. She had the talent for it.)
They wondered if she may have some kind of magic that no one in the family had managed to pick up on yet. Considering everything they had going on, it wouldn’t be surprising. Some kind of creation or clothing magic that was too subtle for people to properly notice unless they had some kind of magic too… Or if they just stopped and thought about the amount of time that usually went into crafting.
Maybe he could run that idea by Ford sometime when they were less mad at each other. Ford had seen enough weird things that he might have a better scope of what was up with sweet little Mabel.
But that didn’t change the confusion he felt when Mabel slapped a homemade booklet of some kind down in front of him and Ford. Not to mention her gigantic basket of yarn that had been dragged into the room with her. (Who got her that? He didn’t think he had been the one. Maybe Soos’ abuelita? She liked knitting too…)
“What are all these for, Pumpkin?” They asked, looking over at their peppy niece. She beamed at them.
“It’s my Pride Flags booklet! I missed making a sweater for Pride Month for Dipper, so I’m gonna make him one before we go home this summer. But I also wanted to make some pride sweaters for other people. Like you! So I wanted to know what your flags are so I can make them.”
Stan sat up slightly, looking at the surprisingly thick little booklet.
“You made a pride booklet? For just the flags?”
“Yup! Well, not just the flags. It’s got descriptions and little notes about what each one means!” She stood up on her chair and opened the little book, pointing at one of the flags as an example. “Some of ‘em had different terms that all go under the same flag, so I put those in too! That way you can just flip it open, read what they say, and see which ones sound like you!”
Well, color him impressed. They’d added a lot more flags since he’d last heard. But…
“Well… I’m not entirely sure what my flags are called anymore. I know some terms have changed since I’d moved here,” they gave a little half-shrug. This didn’t seem to deter their niece, who’d started vibrating when they’d said that.
(Yeah, he was pretty sure there was some magic in there.)
“OH, OH, OH! I can help then!” She grabbed a little notebook and stared very intently at them. “What are your thoughts about love? About the squishy feelings and the people that you get them from?”
He raised an eyebrow with a nervous chuckle. He hadn’t planned on coming out today but… he glanced at his brother from the corner of his eye. Ford was staring intently at the flag book, having pulled it closer to flip through it himself.
Maybe it would be alright for them to come out like this. Ford had probably seen and heard all kinds of crazy things while traveling through alternate dimensions. Finding out Stan was Queer probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal. (At least, they hoped it wouldn’t be. So long as Ford didn’t decide to prove them wrong…) Besides, they doubted the kids would be bothered by it.
If anything, Dipper would probably be relieved to know that he wasn’t the only queer person in the family. Even if he was the first trans kid.
And Stan knew his brother well enough to realize that, despite how he was acting, he was definitely eavesdropping. (Did it really count as eavesdropping when they were sitting next to each other? Honestly, probably not.) Trying to listen to what he would say without making it obvious that he was doing it.
“As in… Who do I find pretty? Or who I would, like, want to have serious dates with?”
“Yeah! That’s the two kinds of love pride is about! Physical and Romantic!” Mabel said, nodding. “Pride’s also about identity! Like with Dipper!”
“Yeah, I knew that part. I remember the pride marches from the seventies, a lot of them were led by trans and gay folks. We grew up in Jersey, after all.” They rubbed at their chin in thought, casting their mind back. “Was in a few of ‘em back in the eighties. Didn’t think much about what I was, though. I just knew I was queer and needed to be part of it and that was that.”
“Soo~?” Mabel’s voice trailed. She was bouncing in the chair, eyes sparkling.
“I don’t know what the words are anymore, but I figured out I liked chicks and guys when I was about… I wanna say twenty-three? Found a decent-ish guy that I worked with for a bit and we decided to try it out.” Stan shrugged. That had been one of his first flings. “Real short. Think we stayed a couple for about a week before deciding that it wouldn’t work out."
“What was his name?!”
“Uh… I think it was- Drake? Haven’t seen him in decades, so I can’t remember him really well. And we didn’t really… Well, the dating thing broke off fine but we had a bit of a falling out not long after that.” That was honestly the nicest way Stan could put it. They realized they liked getting frisky, but didn’t actually like each other. Not enough to date at least. Then their work went sour and they decided they really didn’t like each other.
Yeah… Not his worst relationship but it sure wasn’t one he had any plans of revisiting.
Johnny was a lot better.
“Who’s Johnny?!” They jumped at the excited squeal from their niece. From the corner of their eye, they could see Ford staring at them pretty intently now.
He lazily waved a hand, trying to keep the air relaxed as he answered.
“Eh… Johnny was a biker guy I dated for a while. He was with me for some of the marches I went to. Early eighties, or thereabouts. It was probably the longest relationship either of us had,” they felt a small smile forming as they thought about Johnny. “Leaned real hard into the wild rebel thing that came with being a biker back then. Threw his… Everything into the marches when I suggested at least dropping by one. I think it gave him a real cause to be a rebel for. We split up when we figured out we wanted different things long-term. Lost contact with him ages ago, though.”
“Would you… Ever get back with him? If you met him again?” Mabel looked like she was plotting. That was her plotting face. Oh, he needed to nip that in the bud. Fast.
“Assuming he was even around anymore? No, probably not. We were better friends than we were anything romantic.” They shrugged, trying to emphasize that last part. It had been a fun fling, but Johnny had been a little too… Intense for them. “The fact that we were good as friends is probably one of the reasons we stuck together for so long. But nah, I probably wouldn’t get back with him.”
He barely held back the sigh of relief at the way Mabel pouted. He knew she meant well, but he wasn’t keen on being the focus of one of her romance plots. Her faith in love was sweet, but he was having trouble getting her to understand that it was better to just let it happen instead of trying to engineer it into happening.
If Stan got into a relationship now then it would be something that happened naturally and not because their twelve-year-old niece tried to set them up.
(At least he’d only used Johnny’s first name and not his full one. No chance of her going behind his back to contact his ex. Johnny was way too common a name for her to pin a specific person down.)
“Okay… So, you’re either Bi or Pan then,” Mabel said, reluctantly getting herself back on track. “Both technically mean you like boys and girls, but the specifics are a little different between them. I think it’s mostly preferences?”
“Yeah, I usually use Bi. First one I knew and it just… Felt right,” they said, nodding. Ford was still staring, but it looked more thoughtful than searching.
“I like the Bi flag colors. I always thought they were really pretty. And they’re a great complementary set!” Mabel started making notes in her little books, possibly scribbling some ideas for how she wanted to use the colors. “And what do you know about transgender people? Or non-binary ones?”
Ah, she picked up on him not wanting out Dipper before the kid felt ready.
He was excited about Ford being the author of the journals that he had (apparently) been obsessing over for the whole summer. It was better if they let Dipper come out to him on his own terms instead of, even accidentally, making the choice for him.
“I believe I know those ones, and not just from the news,” Ford spoke up. It was the first time he’d entered the conversation. Stan was a little surprised he hadn’t joined them sooner. “I’ve been in dimensions with large quantities of people who identified as neither male nor female. Or they possessed the features of both and things like pronouns were purely a matter of personal preference. They were fascinating from a cultural standpoint, especially as someone who came from one with a firmly Binary Social Culture. I wasn’t aware such arguments existed in our own world…”
Somehow, it didn’t surprise them that there were dimensions like that.
In the Sky Realms, gender was more presentation and preference than any actual need to be one or the other. For a lot of them, it just hadn’t mattered so long as you put in your share. And not when they all knew about Soul Cycles. You could be a chick in one life and a guy in the next but, at the end of the day, you were still you. So why should anyone care which you wanted to use?
“Yeah, I can see that being a thing. Feeling like you’re mostly a guy but not entirely fitting into that.” Mabel nodded, grabbing her flag booklet and flipping to the flags in question, chattering about the terms specific for people who felt like that.
But Stan didn’t hop in, yet. Just letting his sentence hang in the air until the words finished sinking in. He wanted to keep this coming out relaxed. The easiest way to do that with this family was either to say it outright or let them put the pieces together themselves. And he preferred to just… Keep it casual anyway. Maybe it was just the way being queer had been when he and Ford were young, but he wasn’t much for Big Dramatic Showings for being queer.
(The marches had been the exceptions. Everyone needed to be out and Loud for those. Because they all deserved the chance to live as themselves without being punished for it.)
Ford, as they’d expected, was the first to put together what Stan was implying.
“Are… Do you feel like that, Stanley?” His brother looked at him over his mug of coffee. He was unusually hesitant about the question. “As though you aren’t fully… Male?”
“Oh, yeah. I figured it out ages ago, but never really knew if there was a word for it. Didn’t really matter compared to everything else I had going on.” He gnawed at the toast slice he’d made for breakfast. (Etch… He'd let it go cold.) “Too many other things for me to put much thought into what it all meant.”
“You’re a Demiman! Mostly a boy, but not totally! A lot of people who feel like that use he and they for their pronouns!” Mabel chirped, holding up her booklet and pointing at the grey, blue, and white striped flag. “I almost made a sweater with these colors for Dipper, but they wouldn’t have been his flag so I didn’t. Oh, oh! I’ve been learning about fisherman’s knitting patterns at the library, I can make one for you with those colors! The nonbinary flag had really nice colors too.”
Stan just let her ramble away. She would probably have an entire selection for them in a few days. It would be fun to see what she made later.
And there was… Some relief, honestly. Now that it had finally been said aloud.
His father had put so much pressure on him to Be A Man while he and Ford were growing up. On both of them. But neither of them had fit the mold their father wanted them to fit into.
When he’d remembered Before, when he figured out that he wasn’t entirely a man in the first place, it had felt like he finally had an explanation. That there was a reason he didn't fit the “Manly” mold his father wanted and he wasn't just “bad” at being one.
It had been… Freeing, in a weird way. It still was.
And now they had finally, finally spoken the words into the world. They had a term for it, even. And that felt good.
Ford had barely dodged being next under Mabel's scrutiny but had asked if he could borrow the booklet later. Commenting that it was interesting and he wanted to know more about some of them. Their great-niece relented, but they were sure he would get grilled by her later.
That was fine. Stan had some work to do anyway. (He was going to ride that relief of being out for just a while longer.)
.
.
Stanley was carefully repainting a model of an Elder Cosmic Manta when Ford carefully crept into the room behind him.
Elder Cosmic Mantas were some of the largest models that Stan had in the Shack. All of the Elder creatures were giants, but especially the Mantas. So cleaning them up and refreshing the paint paints on them was a long project that tended to take several days at least. They were among the few models they were never fully happy with, so they ended up getting touched up… A lot. It was just really hard to capture their essence in a painted model…
The only reason Stan knew Ford had come in was thanks to the slight squeak of the door hinge. It wasn’t too bad, not enough to startle him on most days, but it was enough for him to know when someone came into the room while he was working. It served as a nice, subtle way to know if someone came in without having to start talking right away.
Soos would come in when they were painting, on occasion. Sometimes he would even offer to help paint a few of the smaller models for them.
Wendy was known to hide in the painting room sometimes, too. When she genuinely needed a break from people or knew someone she didn’t like was coming by. Stan would just give her a busy task to do in there if she brought it up to him instead of just up and vanishing on him. Thereby giving her a valid excuse to avoid certain people.
Stan didn't call Ford out for quietly creeping in behind him, more focused on the paints than whatever their brother had come into the room for. And Ford just stood back and watched them work without saying anything.
It was almost peaceful. The two of them just existing in the same space for a while, not talking but perfectly comfortable. (Like they had when they were children.)
Then Ford finally decided to break the silence.
“I'm… It was good. Earlier, I mean.” Stan made a questioning hum, glancing back at his brother with a confused look. He cleared his throat awkwardly at the look. “Letting me hear about- about the flags. That kind of thing is difficult. From what I know.”
“Ah… Well, I figured it was gonna come out at some point,” Stan said, idly waving the fine brush they were holding. “I’d rather it be here, in private, than out on the town or something. More comfortable.”
“Yes, but still. I’m… I’m hap- glad-” Ford let out a frustrated noise. Stan could practically feel the struggle that Ford was having with his words right then. He let out an amused huff, finally setting down the brush and turning to Ford. 
“Nice knowing that I wasn’t afraid of you finding out I was queer?” They offered, smiling slightly.
“Yes! Yes- I- That. That was what I meant.” Ford cleared his throat awkwardly. Stan wanted to laugh.
Ford was always one for big, fancy words and speeches. Not being able to find them, or being overly worried about using the right ones, was new for him. But his brother was trying to connect, or at least say something positive, so he wasn’t going to laugh at him about it.
“Not a problem. I figured that you’d seen enough wild things before coming back that me liking guys and gals probably wasn’t a big deal.” And even if it was, you weren’t the sort to be terrible about it. Their brother never struck them as a homophobe, but he also wasn’t the sort to turn into a jerk about it. Not after all the teasing and taunting he’d been through for his hands.
(No, Ford was the sort to be a jerk about other things.)
“It- It wasn’t the first time someone has made a confe- Erm, that someone came out to me,” Ford said, catching Stan by surprise. “My college roommate, he was also… Bi, I believe he said. He told me a few months into our stay. After an ex of his tried to harass him by coming to the school.”
“Well. I’m pretty sure we won’t have to deal with that any time soon,” he paused, tapping a finger against his chin in thought. “At least I don’t think we will. Pretty sure old age has caught up to most of my nastier exes. And the nicer ones have probably settled down by now.”
“I see…” Ford muttered quietly.
“And none of your exes have shown up to cause problems, so we should be fine.”
“Oh, that’s because I don’t have any.”
“Any what?” Stan asked, raising a brow at their brother.
“Exes. I never bothered with dating after our prom. I… I was never interested.” Ford folded his arms behind him, suddenly looking very intently at the models around the room and not at his sibling. “It… Simply never appealed to me. And it seems that- that there’s a term for that now. A-spectrum.”
Oh.
Oh. 
It seemed Ford had decided it was his turn to come out. Stan smiled encouragingly at their brother, trying to hold in the warm feeling in their chest. (Seems that particular trust went both ways.)
“That so? Good for you then. Glad you found something that feels right.”
“Yes, I- Thank you. It’s… It’s good. To finally know a word for it.” Ford’s eyes slid up to the large model that Stan had been actively working on. “You’re… Repainting this one? The colors didn’t look very faded when it had been in the main rooms.”
Stan sighed.
“They’re not faded. I thought I’d finally managed to get some paints closer to the colors I wanted for this one and wanted to get them on it. It’s damn hard to translate what’s in my head into the world for these.” He looked up at the models, half expecting his brother to scoff or say something about how he ought to focus more on “real” creatures. (As if Ford had a leg to stand on.)
“Really now? Why?” Ford asked, coming closer to the model Stan was working on.
They looked at their brother in surprise. Maybe Ford was just holding back his remarks for now? Trying to keep things nice between them after the little… Heart to heart they’d just had. Stan would take it, either way.
He waved a hand at the model, showing Ford the slightly shimmering paint he was using as he did.
“Well, see, Cosmic Mantas are supposed to be partially see-through so they blend into night skies…”
AN: They spend the next hour or so talking about colors and paints and ideas for getting the effect that Stan wants from the Cosmic models and how hard it is to create. Ford subtly learns a lot about them from Stan’s explanations/rambles. A couple days later, they both get a bunch of sweaters from Mabel. (Stan’s new NB and Demiman sweaters quickly become his favorites.)
The first Pride March was held in 1970, a year after the Stonewall Riots of 1969. According to my math, Stan and Ford would have (probably) been in high school/their teens while both were happening. It would have been all over the news, so they would have heard about it. (Jersey and New York are right next to each other after all.)
I decided that Cannoneer Stan would have been in a few Pride Marches during the early 80s, though I haven’t really committed to where or what years. Just that it was after the Memories but before Ford's postcard. But he’s an old LGBTQA+, so he also uses a lot of older terms that have since been changed/dropped. (But also having him use Queer to describe himself, and using it for him, just feels right.)
I wanted a casual-ish way to reveal that Stan was nonbinary to Ford, and Mabel making pride sweaters seemed like a fairly easy segway into that. She and Dipper suspected that Stan was, well, not straight based on how chill he was with Dipper being Trans (as well as other comments he’d made over the summer). So this is also Mabel finally, officially, confirming all of that for them. Dipper is glad to finally Know, and to find out he’s not the only LGBTQA+ person in the family.
Stan’s Flags: Non-Binary, Demiboy/man, Bisexual (Also Bear but shhh.)
Ford’s Flags: Asexual, Aromantic, A-Spec,
Dipper’s Flags: Transgender, Transboy/man,
Mabel’s Flags: Femme, Ally
The kids have fewer flags simply because they haven’t figured out what their romantic/sexual attractions are. I mean they’re, like, 12. I sure as heck didn’t know all my flags at that age.
Ford doesn’t fully commit to his flags until later (other than A-Spec, since he doesn’t seem to feel conventional romance/attraction). But this is his entry gate for something he’d never really stopped to think about before.
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One of Your Kind (CH. 2)
Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10
Word count: 2.5K
Summary: finally you’re making some friends and even learning English better, finally gaining more confidence and security in yourself.
Warnings: none really
Pairing: Jenna Ortega X Fem!Reader
———
To say you wanted to make friends was an understandment. That day as you talked to Jenna for the first time, you couldn’t be happier. Finally you had found someone who was willing to talk to you and that wasn’t your boss. “It’s nice to finally talk to you, (Y/N)” the girl said, holding her hand out for you to take. “same” you said and shook her hand, smiling at the girl in front of you. She seemed very friendly and as you fixed the equipment on her she would try to make small talks to get to know you and Megan from afar couldn’t help but be happier that you were finally making friends. “So, you’re from Italy, right?” Jenna said, speaking ever so slowly to make you understand every word. “Yes” you said and she looked at you. “Must be nice…” you chuckled and shook your head “not during covid. I’m here for work because otherwise I can’t leave my country.” It took Jenna a while to understand what you were saying, because your sentence really didn’t make any sense.
“What?” Jenna asked, tilting her head in confusion, before a light bulb turned on in her head. “Wait- ooooh! You mean you only travelled because of work? Aside of work you can’t leave Italy. Is this it?” You nodded awkwardly and looked down, ashamed of yourself. “I’m sorry. My english is bad” you said again, avoiding to look at her. “Nooo it’s okay! You have time to learn. You could take English classes!” She said and this time a light bulb turned on in your head. You had never thought about taking english classes, and it was a valid option, you definitely could think of it, but on the other hand, you didn’t know anyone who gave English classes. “I can, but I don’t have time.” Jenna snorted “oh come on! I’m sure that if you talk to Megan she’ll give you some days off for the lessons!”
And that turned into reality, because from the following week you had two days off to have online English classes. It was extremely hard for you, the teacher unluckily didn’t know Italian (which you had hoped, so it would be easier, but nope) and even if he did know it, he wouldn’t have spoken it with you because you had to practice hearing and speaking English, and the right way to do so was definitely not to speak Italian. You also needed to learn some grammar, so you had to write and do exercises, almost as if you were back in school, not that you were good at English there either, but you tried. You tried and you had too make it, if you wanted to continue staying in America.
Filming had just been wrapped up for the day and you were in your trailer, trying to do some exercises, though making them wrong. You grunted at each mistake you made. It was summer, so you were sitting outside with your notebook in hand, lots of writing mistakes and everything as you tried, you really tried to understand what you were writing or what you had to write. All these verb forms, from present simple to present continuous. What in the world was even the difference? After the thousand time of making the exercises wrong, you got really angry. “Fanculo!” [fuck it] you yelled and threw the notebook away from you, it ended in a mud pit. “Bene, cos’altro deve succedere? Come se tutto questo non fosse abbastanza” [great, now what else has to happen? As if all this wasn’t enough] you yelled again, getting the attention of every other staff member who was walking around.
Between those staff, there were actors, too. And between them, was Jenna, the girl you only talked with once. As you went to pick your notebook up from the mud pit, she had assisted to your nervous break down and made her way over to you. “Hey, are you okay?” She asked and you looked at her, chuckling at yourself. “Do I look okay? I can’t do an exercise right” you said as you grabbed a tissue and tried wiping the mud off, you hadn’t even realized that for the first time since you started taking the lessons your english was good. Your pronunciation too and you surprisingly had an accent as well. Jenna noticed, but decided to say nothing about it. Looks like you had to get mad to speak good english. You sat back down on the stairs of your trailer, and Jenna sat down next to you. “What kind of exercises?” She asked, taking a peak at your notebook.
“Uhm- verb exercises. I have to write italian phrases in english using present simple or present continues or whatever that is. And I don’t know how to even use that.” You gave Jenna your notebook and she tried to take a look, through the mud. “Is that what they teach you?” She asked, she looked confused but you nodded “yeah. In Italian school they do the same” she nodded and handed you the notebook. “I think that grammar rules are stupid. Why don’t you try practicing with talking? You don’t necessarily have to know the rules… I think it’ll just come out naturally you know? You’ll get used to it. Try asking your teacher.” She smiled at you and you nodded as a reply. It was really good that you finally had a friend. “And you could start with talking with me about anything!” You immediately looked up at her with a hopeful look on your face and hopeful eyes.
“You want to do that for me?” You asked, this time having an accent as well. “Yes of course! Come on, what do you want to talk about?” Jenna was really eager to talk with you and improve your language. “Wait- right now? Don’t you want to go to bed?” You asked and looked at her, she shook her head and smiled. “I’ve had like three coffees, I don’t want to go to bed. So, what do you want your job to be?” She asked, and you swallowed, taking your sweet time “I uh- I’m go to be a movie director” you said, and Jenna smiled “ok so in this case, you want to use the -ing form because it’s something you haven’t done yet and that you want to do. Try again” you listened attentively and nodded “see I told you I suck at this.” You said and sighed “don’t give up! You can do it” she waited for you to speak. You sighed again. “I’m go…ing? I’m going to be a movie director” “yes! Yes that’s good! Come on let’s talk some more”
That’s how you spent the entire night talking to Jenna about anything at all, you realized that she was a very friendly girl, goofy and funny, never wasted an opportunity to make a joke and make you laugh. She was like this with everyone, she simply didn’t like seeing girls her age being all on their own, but somehow she felt a connection with you. The two of you hadn’t even realized that the sun was rising, until Jenna yawned. “Wait, what time is it?” You looked at the time and your eyes widened “you start filming in an hour” she looked at you “what?” Jenna exclaimed looking at her watch “crap, I need to go. I’m sorry!” She said as she ran away to the make up booth. You smiled and shook your head, going to Megan for today’s work.
You walked to the set and made your way over to Megan, yawning and rubbing your eyes. “Good morning. Up studying late?” She asked and you nodded. “Yes. I was try to…” then you remembered what Jenna told you the night before “I was trying to do some exercises but I always failed, and Jenna came along. She helped me with talking and she helped me use the verbs better. We didn’t realize when it got morning so here I am” at that, Megan passed you her coffee with a small smile, you took it and immediately chugged it down. “So you two are friends?” She asked, you nodded as you swallowed a sip of coffee. “That’s amazing! I knew you two would get along!” She said happily and you smiled again “yes. She’s very nice to be around” you said and went to work.
Today you had an important job. There was a scene where Vada and Mia, both high and drunk had to dance and sing and act goofy in a parking lot, and Megan let you decide how it had to be shot but you had to tell everyone, and act like an actual director. She told you to be bold if anyone acted up and didn’t want to listen to you. Obviously you talked with Megan about what worked and what not, and after deciding everything together you had to tell everyone how it worked. “Okay, this is how it is going to work. As Jenna and Maddie are following their script, you have to walk around them with the cameras, making it seem kind of messy.” Is that clear?” They nodded and got to it, however it was not coming out how you needed it “CUT! Jenna, Mia, amazing as always, but guys, That’s not what I asked you to do.” You turned to the cameramen “I asked you to make it messy. the cameras are steady, how is that messy?”
They looked at you and chuckled “if you’re not satisfied with what we do then why don’t you do it yourself?” one of them said, seeming proud of himself. “Because I’m a director” you said, causing him to chuckle more. “You’re not an actual director.” He said and crossed his arms, his whole crew chuckling with him. “You’re right, I’m not.” This only caused him to feel prouder- “yet. But now I am a director and I’m YOUR director. My job is to direct you and yours, as a cameraman, is to hold a camera and hold it as I tell you. So do that.” The chuckle left his and everyone else’s face and both Megan and Jenna looked at you as if to say ‘jeez, this girl has some balls.’ And just like the other times, when you got mad your “best English” came out. “Yes boss.” He said and you were the one to chuckle this time, with satisfaction. “Get back to work!” This time, the scene was shot perfectly and Megan gave you a high five at the end of it. “GIRL THAT WAS AWESOME BACK THERE!” She said happily and smiled, talking a bit too fast, but this time you didn’t notice. Having that way too long conversation with Jenna definitely also helped you understand better, too. “They were idiots… and I put them in their place like you told me”
The more you continued filming with Megan, the more you learned and the more you became friends with Jenna, and even Maddie, surprisingly enough. You didn’t like her in the beginning, you thought she didn’t want to talk to you because of the language and because you didn’t understand her but truthfully, she’s just really shy and Jenna had to intervene to make the two of you start talking, but now you had one more person to talk with and you could improve your english! The three of you still spent nights in your trailer just speaking and while doing so they also corrected what you said or even your pronunciation. “So like one of my difficulties is the letter “r”, how do you not roll it- like where do you put your tongue” you asked them, and they tried to explain, but they didn’t know how. “You like have to put the back of your tongue on the roof of your mouth” you tried, but you would make really weird sound and at some point they were both laughing and crying on the floor.
“Stop it!” You said laughing as well as you threw a pillow towards Jenna, you laughed so hard that your stomach started hurting. That night was probably the best one you had on set there and it was a core memory. At some point, even Megan joined those nights.
Eventually though, you wrapped up filming. Which meant that your experience as a director in America was over and you had to go back to Italy as the last scene was shot, a round of applause was given to Megan and to the actresses, as you gave Jenna a thumbs up while Megan started speaking “Thank you guys so much. This was my first ever movie as a director and I couldn’t ask for a better cast and better staff, you guys were all amazing” you, who still stood alone and aside, also applauded to her. “I would also like to thank (Y/N)… she’s just a student but she has talent. She can be a great director and who knows, maybe even an actress some day! I took the opposite route but it was still worth it. You did a really good job, I’m really proud of you” Megan said and came towards you, hugging you tightly. You did the same and thanked her, as best as you could.
“(Y/N), if you stay in America I can guarantee you an apartment in LA, where you can continue and finish your studies. You’re really talented and I see a huge future for you, are you willing to move here?” She asked, and of course you didn’t waste the opportunity. After having cleared set, you went to say your goodbyes. You still had to catch a plane, from Ohio to LA. You went to Jenna last, you wanted to say a proper goodbye to the girl who helped you struggle less here. She helped you learn the language and even though you still sucked at it, it was definitely better than wen you first came to America. “Jenna wait!” You ran after her, catching her before she could get in the car. “I just wanted to thank you, for everything” Jenna smiled at you as she pulled her hair up in a messy bun. She was wearing comfortably for the plane.
“You’re the first friend I made here, and you helped me struggle less with the language. I mean I still suck, but it’s better, right?” You giggled nervously. “Oh shut up! You’re the best friend I ever made on set! And your english has definitely improved. I can’t wait to see you become successful for your movies. I have to go now though. You’ll text me?” You nodded and hugged her again. “Yep, I’ll text you. Safe travel!” You smiled and watched her get in the car. Just as she left you remembered…
“Shit, I never asked her for her number.”
A/N: well that’s bad for our reader- I mean things couldn’t be so easy right? We gotta keep the slow burn >>>>
Tags: @idkjustliving2
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garbinge · 7 months ago
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Do What You Gotta Do
Nestor Oceteva x Erin Thomas
Summary: Erin & Nestor through the years.
30 Day Fic Challenge (29/30)
Word Count: 10.5k
A/N: Another Ao3 exchange fic for @drabbles-mc that i never got the chance to post here!
Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of content. Mentions of bullying, killing. angsty, not a happy ending, more angst lol.
Mayans Taglist: @drabbles-mc @justreblogginfics @narcolini @danzer8705 @keyweegirlie @kmc1989
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Erin tended to stay confined in her room when her sister and her friends were over. It never used to be that way, when the two of them were younger she often was found right next to her sister or close behind. They were loud, Erin usually being the more lively of the two but the giggles that traveled throughout the halls of the Thomas house were from both of them. The two Thomas sisters were actually inseparable, even throughout Emily’s years of high school. It was a sister bond that couldn’t be swayed the way a friendship could, a sister bond that could withstand the typical disagreements and fights of siblings. A sister bond that could still hold itself close to what it originally and always was. A sister bond that would eventually break when Emily came home on break from college.
Erin was never a fan of Miguel since that day her older sister brought him over to meet the family on that first Thanksgiving break of Emily’s college years. He was arrogant, opinionated, smug and overall just a dickhead as Erin so boldly put it. Which is why whenever Emily had him and his friends over, Erin found herself fully content alone in her room.
Currently, she sat on her bean bag chair with her headphones over her ears, there was a notebook in her hand as she doodled the time away, her legs were probably going to start falling asleep as the minutes passed with them tucked close to her chest and her feet tangled in the depths of the sunken bean bag.
Despite the volume of her music being pretty high, she could still hear the laughs and noises of her sister’s company downstairs. It was normally around the time she’d use the noise as an excuse to get up and stretch her legs and then close the door but she found herself at this moment, doorless. It was an old school punishment but her mother had insisted their housekeeper removed the door of the younger Thomas girl’s bedroom after a pretty heated argument between the two. Privacy was a privilege and privacy is earned. Her mother’s words were so typical of a parent who had lost control of their teenage daughter and was scrambling to try and regain it back.
Erin was feeling the consequences of her loss of privacy when she looked up to see someone in the hallway staring at her. If she didn’t know her sister had people over she probably would have screamed and made some flailing attempt at bum rushing the man in her own defense but she just assumed it was one of Emily or Miguel’s loser friends.
“You’re fuckin’ creepy.” Erin had removed her headphones and readjusted herself to stare back at the kid.
“Sorry.” The man looked flustered and pointed behind him to the balcony and then to the stairs. “I, uh, they told me to leave them alone so I’m kind of just roaming around trying to avoid them.”
Erin frowned now and stood up, she saw the man tense up by her abruptness and while Erin loved to tease people, she ignored the temptation in her to jump scare this random person as she moved to look over the balcony into the living room.
The patio door had been opened and through the big living room window she could see her sister, Miguel, a couple random people and someone who looked just like the man 5 feet from her but with a beard in the pool that was just recently opened for summer. It was slowly coming together for her, all assumptions, but she was pretty firm in her thinking.
A nod shook from her head as she pushed off the railing and moved back into her room, just as she re-entered the bedroom her head looked over her shoulder at the man who was clearly nervous and frozen in the middle of the hallway.
“No invite needed when there’s no door to block you out.” Erin waved her hand in a very over-exaggerated way to invite the man in.
He was still nervous but listened to the girl’s words and stepped into her room, trying to look around at his surroundings but not wanting to be any more intrusive than he had been.
“Privacy is a privilege.” The girl spoke those words in a mocking way as she plopped down on her bed and waved her arms again in an attempt to tell the man he could look around freely.
“Is that why you don’t have a door?” He asked, looking around at the posters taped to the walls.
“I don’t have a door because Diana is a bitch.”
Nestor turned to look at the girl with an inquisitive look.
“My loving and adoring mother.” Erin smiled so sarcastically.
“Erin.” The man pointed to the artwork above where her door should have been, it was a calligraphy artwork of her name, each letter made from a different tropical plant.
“That’s me.” She said grabbing a stuffed animal off her bed to use as a pillow to rest her arms on.
“Nice picture.” The man tried to match Erin’s sarcasm but it definitely needed some work.
“Last thing my dad got me before he left.”
“Left to where?” He asked so nonchalantly and was left shocked by her response.
“Prison.” It was one word but it felt so heavy leaving Erin’s mouth despite her light way of saying it. Her inflection made prison seem like it was stepping out to run an errand but the weight of what she truly said wasn’t lost on him. His head snapped to look at her, surprise all over his face and all Erin did was smile. “So you know all these fun things about me, what about you, mystery man?”
“Mystery man?” His eyes frowned.
“Okay, mystery boy. Puberty looks fresh on you.” Her face was twisted in a devious smile at the comment and her eyes were scanning him up and down.
“I just turned 17.”
Erin knew she struck a cord there. “Attacking your manliness, men are so easy.” She rolled her eyes. “What’s your name, mystery boy?” She continued with her teasing.
He stood there, annoyed slightly debating if he was going to walk out or cave in and give his name. It only took one second for his decision to be made. All it took was for the slightest smirk to flash on Erin’s face for all but a second, it was likely her reading him, realizing he was about to bolt but whatever it was it made him speak immediately.
“Nestor.”
“Sounds like a serial killer's name.” She scoffed and stood up to go by her desk in search of something.
“You’re really rude.” Nestor was again feeling defensive but he had an odd smile on his face.
“Rude or honest?” Erin responded so quickly it made Nestor realize it probably wasn’t the first time she had been accused of being rude. That and she was still rummaging through the things on her desk with no care in the world.
“Here.” She handed him a DVD, Nestor was now realizing this was what she had been searching for the entire time.
“Kill Bill?” Nestor was still so utterly confused by the girl.
“About a killer. Thought you’d like it.” The sarcasm and humor was now dancing with each other as it flew off her tongue.
“She’s technically an assassin.” Nestor was flipping the DVD box over.
“You’ve seen it?” Erin was leaning back against her desk with her arms crossed.
“About a million times. It’s a classic.” He placed the DVD back on her desk when his eyes caught a bunch of different movies scattered around.
“I’m a movie buff.” She shrugged seeing him look over her array of films.
“Classics.” He specified as he noticed the theme to all the disk cases.
“Dying breed.” Erin responded.
“I’ve seen pretty much every one of these at least 3-4 times.” Nestor was still scanning over the different movies. “Except this one.”
“You’re lying.” It was as serious as he had seen Erin since he met her only ten minutes ago. “You’ve never seen Die Hard.” She phrased it as a statement over a question but the way the movie title fell from her lips was like it was a disgrace. “This is like THE classic. I can’t believe you’ve seen The Sound of fucking Music but not Die Hard.” Her voice was full of shock and honestly a little betrayal as she picked up the Sound of Music disk.
“To be fair I haven’t seen The Sound of Music, either.” Nestor shrugged, the odds the girl would pick up one of the few he hadn’t seen didn’t go over his head.
“Whatever, you’re not missing much, I mean Julie Andrews is perfect but it’s singing and nunnery and love. I mean it’s actually great but I can’t believe the serial killer in my room right now has not watched Die Hard.” It was one long-winded sentence and she took a deep breath at the end as she stared at Nestor before jumping into another statement. “You’re coming over Friday. We’re watching Die Hard.” Her head was shaking as she moved back over to her bed and grabbed something from her nightstand.
“You were going to give me Kill Bill to watch on my own.” This was his version of hard to get.
Erin rolled her eyes but it went unnoticed since she was rummaging around her nightstand just to pull out a post-it and start writing on it.
“You get dragged along with your older brother, don’t you?”
Nestor should have been way more aware now to not be shocked by this girl, but he was pretty taken back that she knew.
“How’d you know?”
She turned back around now and looked at him. “If you were friends with them they wouldn’t kick you out. Plus you look like a younger version of the guy that comes with Miguel.”
“Why don’t you hang out with them?” Nestor was genuinely curious.
“Because my older sister kicked me out too.”
“My parents are dead so my brother feels forced to bring me everywhere.”
It was such a heavy statement but said with such ease, very similar to how Erin had told him about her incarcerated father. And Erin got it. She really got it.
Emily and Erin might have had tension between them now that she was getting more involved with Miguel but they both had something that kept them familial. Their parents. Their father was a dark and mysterious man who ended up in prison when they were young and they both equally hated their mother.
With a nod, Erin stood up and stuck the post-it note to Nestor’s chest. He looked down, she wrote on it upside down so he was able to read it immediately.
Movie Night Friday @ 8, bring candy. Tons of it.
“They always get together on Friday Nights here. Ever since school got out for them.” Erin explained.
“So I’ll be here anyway.” He caught on to what she was saying.
“With candy.” Erin interjected.
“With candy.” He laughed and removed the post-it from his chest.
“Nestor!!” A deep voice from downstairs called up interrupting them. “We gotta go!!!”
“I gotta go.” Nestor pointed and began to take steps towards the empty doorway, the smile while faded still filled his face.
Erin smirked, “Do what you gotta do, mystery boy.”
__________
That was all it took. The two 17 year olds became some version of friends as time passed. Honestly, they could have been best friends, but neither of them would have said it out loud. And lucky enough for the both of them, neither Nestor’s brother or Emily cared enough to say anything to them. They probably hadn’t even taken notice enough to even tease them about it.
Erin was passing the bowl of popcorn over to Nestor who was at the opposite side of the couch.
“So you relate to Maria right?” Nestor’s eyes were glued to the TV as his hand extended out to grab the popcorn.
“Are you asking me if I relate to the main character in Sound of fucking Music?” Erin was sprawled on the couch now, her feet taking up a majority of the cushions. She was taking full offense to Nestor's comment and had the tone to prove it.
“I just mean she got sent to this dude’s house because she doesn’t really like rules. Isn’t your mom sending you to that school because you don’t really like rules?” Nestor’s voice still stayed casual despite Erin’s bark.
“We watch these movies because they’re classics not to start a philosophical discussion, blondie.” Erin dismissed him by extending her left foot out and pushing his thigh slightly. The popcorn bowl in his hand spilled out a couple pieces and Nestor let out a laugh at the whole thing.
“I bleached my hair like two weeks ago, when are you going to drop it, red?” Nestor retorted back as he picked up the fallen pieces of popcorn and placed the bowl on the side table next to him.
“Yea, see, Red just doesn’t land the same.” Erin was now crossing her arms and looking over at Nestor. “Plus, you made the impulsive decision to bleach your hair, like, you chose to do whatever that is with your hair,” she pointed to his fried hair which had already grown in his natural roots, “which earns joking rights, I was born with red hair so it just isn’t the same.”
“Julie Andrews has blonde hair.” Nestor pointed to the TV screen.
“Julie Andrews is Julie Andrews.” That was all the explanation Erin needed to use on that argument.
“How is the new school?” Nestor changed subjects.
“Sucks.” It was obvious Erin didn’t want to talk about it.
“Wow it’s like I can envision it with how you describe it.” He wasn’t going to let her dismiss it that easily.
She sarcastically added in an adverb for more detail, “Really sucks.”
“Well now you’re just talking too much.” She had met her match with Nestor.
“Well, we are watching a movie.” The smile on Erin’s face was saying way more than her words ever could. They were saying she felt uncomfortable, that something had to have happened at the school for her to not lay into it in her comedic, sardonic way.
“Why won’t you tell me what happened?”
“Fine you want to know?” Erin was shooting up from her laid back position and now sitting up, her body tense and aggravated. It was like she was a bear and Nestor had done nothing but poke her to irateness. “You really want to know how my new private school is? It’s real swell, we get lockers, mine got vandalized but it’s nothing some nail polish remover and a little elbow grease won’t take care of. The classes are great, learning lots, like how to get kids to stop stealing my stuff or knocking it off my desk.”
It had snapped Erin, the frustration from this last week at her new school was getting hard to cope with and now she was like a floodgate of emotions.
Nestor just sat there, calmly, and listened. When she had taken a moment to breathe deep, he slightly moved forward to pause the movie.
The gesture and the silence that now surrounded them made Erin feel comfortable in some odd way. Comfortable enough to say one more thing.
“They call me Connie.” It was spoken at such a whisper, it was so unlike Erin. Nestor wasn’t even sure if he had ever heard her speak at that volume let alone look the way she looked. She usually took most things with stride, with an attitude and comeback.
“Connie?” Nestor frowned, not only uneasy about her state of being but also confused at the name.
“Short for convict. Apparently everyone figured out my dad’s in prison.”
Now it all came together for Nestor, he knew that could be a tipping point for the girl. She might have been nonchalant in how she talked about it but it didn’t take a genius to realize it was a real weight on her.
“Is that what they wrote on your locker?”
“No, that would’ve been too kind. They drew bars and some shitty version of someone dropping a bar of soap.”
Nestor knew there was nothing he could do, it was a completely different school than where he went and there wasn’t any way he could unenroll her so he did what he did best and just sat and listened to her.
“You wanna finish the movie?” That was Erin’s way of signaling she was done with the conversation. It was Friday night, she wanted a weekend free of school and thoughts of it. Before Nestor could answer he was being interrupted by another voice.
“What are you guys watching?” Miguel had popped into the living room from the kitchen, a fresh beer in his hand as he brought it up to his mouth to drink. His other hand was in his pocket as he stood behind the couch, right in the middle of Erin and Nestor who were still on separate sides of the sofa.
“Hey Mikey.” Nestor nodded to the man.
Erin did all but physically gag as she looked at Miguel. Her eyes rolled, her body language shifted and the attitude was practically dripping off her without a word even being spoken.
“Sound of Music, huh?.” Miguel spotted the DVD case on the coffee table. “Didn’t take either of you as the musical type.”
“It’s a classic.” Erin spoke firmly without even looking at Miguel.
“Ah,” He nodded and took another sip of his beer. “And you’re a fan of the classics aren’t you, Erin?”
“Did you need something, Mike?” Erin snapped her head back to look at the man, the Americanized version of his name slipping off her tongue more harshly than the rest of her sentence.
The smile that grew on his face made her want to grab the popcorn bucket and dump it over his head.
“Actually yea, we were all gonna watch a movie in here, your sister sent me to kick you out. I argued to let you guys be, you seem,” He looked at the large amount of space between you and Nestor and chuckled, “cozy.”
“Erin, out. We’re using the TV.” Emily’s voice came echoing in from the outside patio with a few other mumbles of laughs and conversations behind them.
“We have like 3 TVs in this house, you need this one?” Erin’s voice changed. It wasn’t dripping with the same attitude she had towards Miguel, it was still annoyed, but a lovingly annoyed if that was possible.
“Why don’t you use one of the other TVs.” Emily was barely even paying attention to her sister as she spoke.
“Why don’t you guys do something?” Nestor’s brother was now speaking as he joined Miguel in standing behind the couch. His hand resting on the backrest before he jumped over and plopped down in the middle of the couch. Erin was happy her feet weren’t there any longer because she would have had to jerk them back.
Just as she went to argue, the jingle of metal sounded as Nestor’s brother reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. “Take my car. Scram.” He was throwing them over to Nestor.
“You want to get ice cream?” Nestor asked Erin, not wanting to fight with either Miguel or his brother.
“Foster Freeze.” It was a demand from Erin’s mouth as she stood up and grabbed her stuff off the coffee table and draped her bag over her shoulder.
“Mom’s going to be home at 10. So be home then.” Emily said as she quickly took the spot Erin was in.
“So you kick me out and then give me a curfew?” Erin was turning around with her arms extended out in a version of disbelief.
“For your own good.” Emily acted like she was looking out for her little sister.
“You can lie to yourself but don’t lie to me.” Erin was grabbing her jacket from the closet when the words left her mouth.
Emily had turned on the TV which drowned out the sound of Erin’s voice from her ears. With an eye roll and a heavy stomp of her feet Erin exited the house with a deep exhale, barely missing Nestor’s shoulder with her own. She didn’t want to take her frustration out on him but part of her couldn’t help it when she saw how docile he got around his brother and Miguel.
Silence was at the top of the conversation between Erin and Nestor as they sat across the booth from each other. As each clank of metal utensils hit the glass jars Erin grew more and more annoyed. It felt like her rage was moving a degree up a thermometer with every spoonful of ice cream.
“So you wanna talk about it?” Nestor wasn’t even looking at Erin when the words left his mouth, in fact the words were even muffled as the spoonful of ice cream melted in his mouth.
That broke Erin. Her frustration fully apparent now as she tossed the spoon into her glass causing it to clink around loudly and fall on the table with a couple more loud noises.
“Why the fuck do you suck their dicks like that?”
“Excuse me?” Nestor looked up from his ice cream, frown extremely evident on his face.
“Oh don’t play fuckin’ coy. It doesn’t suit you.” Her back fell against the back of the booth as her arms crossed, her head shook, and her eyes stared off to the side of the shoppe.
“What are you talking about?” Nestor was looking straight at Erin now.
“That shit with them, you act like they’re cool, like–like they’re your friends.” The disgust was evident in her voice.
“I’m pretty sure I said like five words.” Nestor was confused, he had asked Erin if she wanted to talk about it because he thought all her frustration was at Emily not him.
“Hey Mikey.” Erin’s voice got deep as she rocked her shoulders back and forth in an attempt to mock Nestor. If he thought the way she said Mike before was harsh, the addition of the vowel on the end of the man’s nickname in her mockery was ten times that.
“That’s two words.” Nestor was getting annoyed, his leg began shaking as he moved it up and down.
“Yea two words that make me want to throw up–you’re so fucking nice to them, for what?” Erin’s face was twisted in pure confusion. In her head right now there was no explanation that would be worthy to her. She couldn’t stand any one of her sister’s friends, and honestly, her sister was probably top of that list at the moment. Truthfully, all of this anger was a result of pain and hurt. She missed her sister, and blamed the people she hung out with for taking her away. While that did hold some truth, most of Erin’s anger was misplaced there, it really came from her feeling like she was losing everyone around her. She lost her father when he went to jail, her mother shortly after that to her attitude and the bottle, and now her sister.
“They’re all I got.” Nestor’s voice was so much the opposite of Erin’s, his demeanor was calm, solemn, almost peaceful. “When I lost my parents, my brother took me in, he might be a dick sometimes but he’s done everything for me.” He shook his head, “and Mikey, he’s like a brother to me.” A shrug left his shoulders. “I get it, they’re jerks right, but when push came to shove they’d be there for me.”
“You believe that?” Erin still was holding on to whatever parts of her anger that she could even though she sympathized with Nestor, maybe even got a little jealous of the dynamics he shared.
“I know it.” Nestor was firm in his voice, no doubt at all. “It’s the same with you, your sister would do anything for you.”
“I don’t believe that.” Erin rolled her eyes.
“You don’t have to, but it’s the truth.” Nestor scooped the last of his ice cream in his mouth and nodded. “When it comes down to that make or break moment, she’d be there for you.”
Another set of eye rolls came from Erin as she let out a huff. “I don’t have anyone.”
“You have me.” Nestor now leaned back against the booth and crossed his own arms matching Erin’s pose.
Her eyes darted up immediately to meet his. “I don’t believe that.” She repeated the same sentence as before but this time it was said in a way like she wanted him to convince her.
“Well keep up with the crude comments and I don’t know.” He was joking, but before he could double down with another joke his eyes met Erin’s and he knew immediately what she was looking for.
“You got me, you know that, right?”
Erin sat there, there were a bunch of things going through her mind at this point. Her frustration was still lingering. Thoughts of Miguel and Nestor’s brother casually floating around, her sister, the relationship they used to have compared to now, the words Nestor said about Emily, wondering if they really did hold truth. But now, the main thing in her head was that this man, this man who was just some strange boy standing in front of her bedroom door 5 months ago was now telling her he was going to be there for her–no, is there for her. Erin hadn’t trusted a man since her father and despite the love she had for him, he was the reason she couldn’t find it in her to trust anyone. Everyone leaves. It was what she had to tell herself to keep the emotions at bay, control situations, it was why the Emily situation hurt her so much, she trusted her and now felt like she was betraying that trust.
And now, the boy who was telling her that Emily wasn’t betraying her, that when it really came down to it she’d be there, was telling her that he was there.
“I don’t have anyone.” Erin mumbled the words but Nestor heard them perfectly.
“Hey, I’m here.” Nestor was bending his head down to meet Erin’s gaze which had fallen to the floor. His voice was optimistic, it was almost like he didn’t understand the weight of what he was saying, and honestly he didn’t, but it didn’t matter to Erin because in this moment she just needed someone, someone who would be there.
“Okay.” Erin’s voice had completely flipped since the beginning of their conversation. It was soft, shaky, and even a little weepy as a tear fell down her cheek.
Nestor’s hand came out to grab hers and with it came a squeeze. Erin was glad that was all it was because if he had gotten up to hug her it would have released the flood gates entirely and she would be a sobbing mess in the middle of her favorite ice cream place.
“I’m gonna go pay, I’ll be right back, okay?”
Erin had started to pull herself back together, her attitude and normal toned voice coming back along with the tears fully disappeared from her face now as she wiped it clean.
“Yea, do what you gotta do.”
____________
Erin didn’t want to go to prom, it wasn’t exactly her scene. It also wasn’t like she was close friends with anyone at her school, most everyone found their reasons to bully her and make fun of her. All of that gave her one giant reason to say no to going to prom. But then Diana happened to come across the info online. If there was shopping involved, especially for a dress, Diane was in. That didn’t mean Erin wasn’t going to actively and loudly complain about it. Every time they went dress shopping, every fitting, every mention at something to do with prom, Erin let her opinion on it be known. But deep down, she was happy that her mom was forcing her to go, because it brought her and Emily together on something and it was the first time in a long time where the two girls actually enjoyed being together.
The two were laughing, they were whispering and gossiping like middle schoolers, they were causing trouble in stores, having their mother yell at them like they were children again. It made every prom task bearable. Emily had been home for the summer, Miguel had stayed back on campus for an additional month to take a quick summer course. It was what Erin would have described as a dream. Her weeknights were movies with Nestor and ice cream afterwards with Emily. Once or twice the three hung out together, but that basically consisted of Nestor third wheeling all while the young Thomas girl teased him for being so quiet and shy.
The month of May might have become some of Erin’s most treasured days. It didn’t matter that she had to go to prom or that she had to go to that stupid school, she had two of her favorite people to lean on and that was all she needed.
The doorbell rang and it caused a frown to fill Erin’s face as she turned in her floor length royal blue dress that was picked out by her mother. Emily’s face turned into a grin as she moved to the door, resting her digital camera to the side for the first time since her little sister had entered the living room. It didn’t matter that Emily was the one who was upstairs with Erin for hours getting her ready and was able to take all of this in then, she needed to document as much of this moment as possible.
“Who is that?” Diana looked visibly annoyed. The audacity of someone interrupting her special night.
As Emily approached with someone very closely behind her, she stepped aside as the hallway ended and the living room began and swiftly moved to the right. With eagerness in her voice, and a smile that easily reached from ear to ear, she introduced the person who was walking in behind her.
“Look who’s here! It’s Nestor!”
Erin’s face was shocked, not because he was here and seeing her in this ridiculous prom dress but because he was standing 5 feet from her, in a suit. His hair was freshly shaped up on the sides and gelled curls sitting on the top, as Erin’s eyes moved down, she saw his black skinny tie tucked behind the lapels of his black suit jacket, all accented against the crisp white button up. Her gaze moved over to his left where his pocket sat. Within it was a rich blue handkerchief sticking out where a matching boutonniere was clipped on. The deep blue flower and baby’s breath didn’t just match her dress with the perfect royal hue but it was paired with the corsage he was fiddling with in his hands.
That’s when a small smile tugged at her face. As she stared at the corsage in his hands, she saw the rings still on his hands, one his brother had gifted him for his birthday, and the other that he had always sported since she met him. Taking in this completely new Nestor felt a lot easier seeing those rings.
“What are you doing here?” Erin’s voice was a whisper and despite her excitement peaking through slightly, there was still some confusion in her tone.
“I, uh, asked him to be your date tonight.” Emily had her mouth closed but she was smiling as she said it, her eyes bouncing from her sister and the man to her left.
“Oh shoot!” Emily gasped. “I should have taken a picture of your reaction, can you make the face again, reenact it, oh my gosh, look it’s Nestor in a suit!” Emily tried to mimic her words from before while adding in some description for context of what she was looking for from Erin. But before she could even bring the camera up to her face to look through the viewfinder, there was a nagging voice interrupting.
“Emily, you didn’t match the colors. If you were going to do this little surprise for your sister, the least you could have done was put a little effort into getting them to look like dates.” Diana’s whining voice filled the air.
“Mom, can you just relax, enjoy the moment.” Emily was moving over to her mother to ease the tension she was inevitably bringing to the room. “Nestor, go over by Erin, let us take a few pictures so you both can get out of here.” Emily’s eyes rolled to look over at her mother and then quickly changed to look through her camera, ready to snap a few pictures and push the two out.
The minute Erin closed the car door she was turning to look at Nestor. “What the hell are you doing?
“Going to prom.” Nestor shrugged as he leaned forward to turn the key into the ignition.
“Yea, but why?” Erin looked around to realize that this was his brother’s car, his prize possession. “And why are we in your brother's car?”
“Your sister asked. Plus, I figured you could use some friendly company tonight.” It was said so nonchalantly.
“And the car?” Erin accepted his statement about coming with her to prom and was waiting for the answer to her last question.
“The car,” his grin grew wide, “the car, I stole from my brother.” Nestor began to drive out of the Thomas’ driveway. His left hand was tight on the wheel and his right was resting comfortably on the middle console as the 91 Nissan coasted on the neighborhood streets of Santo Padre.
“He’s gonna kill you.” Erin matched his grin and fell back comfortably in the seat.
“Worth it.” A shrug fell from Nestor’s shoulders before he turned right to get on the main highway. “I know how much you love this car, it’s the one thing about my brother that doesn’t make you mumble under your breath or roll your eyes.” Nestor knew Erin so well. “If anything,” he pointed with his right hand while still staring out the windshield, “you actually stare mesmerized at this thing whenever he pulls up in it.”
“It’s cool.” Her shoulders lifted up and fell quickly trying to seem as indifferent as possible. “Plus,” she quickly added another statement in her own defense, “it's purple, who doesn’t stare at a purple car.”
Nestor nodded, he wasn’t going to argue with the girl, especially not on her prom night. Instead he just looked at how empty the highway was, then a thought popped into his brain. It took him a minute to decide if it was a good idea but ultimately he thought ‘what did he have to lose’? His foot pressed against the gas, his eyes quickly glancing over to see the pure joy on Erin’s face as the odometer kept increasing as they made their way to her school.
___________
Prom was uneventful, but if Erin was honest she was beyond grateful Nestor was there with her. It made the night not just bearable but maybe even a little enjoyable.
Currently the two were leaving the photo booth, full of laughs. ‘The fun flask’, as Erin referred to it, was on its last leg. There was maybe 4 shots left in it which would likely not be evenly distributed between them both.
“You wanna dance?” Nestor’s hand on Erin’s back as he guided her out of the booth didn’t go unnoticed by the girl.
“You’re drunk.” She accused him with a quick whip of her neck to stare at him shocked by his words.
“No, but you are. You’ve been sipping way more from that flask than I have.” Nestor pointed out.
Erin’s eyes moved from Nestor to the dance floor to see the big crowd of people on the wooden tiles. “If I’m drunk, I don’t know how smart hitting the dance floor’s gonna be, Nes.” Erin’s eyebrows lifted up as he head tilted.
“What’d I tell you? I got you.” His hand tightened on her back and before she could answer her feet were moving her closer to the crowd.
The song slowed down, offering them up a moment to take things easy as they swayed back and forth. Nestor’s hands were comfortably resting on Nestor’s back, her long red hair brushing against them as the slight breeze from their side by side movements. Nestor wasn’t drunk, but those couple shots he did take earlier in the night were giving him the liquid courage to have his fingers playing around in the ends of it.
And Erin was drunk enough to not only let it happen but mention it.
“You’re handsy tonight.” She beamed as she said it.
“So are you.” Nestor looked down to where her arms rested on his shoulders, her hands were twisted over each other behind his neck and mindlessly playing with the curls of his she could reach.
“You know, between you and the fun flask, this night went from bearable to maybe a little enjoyable, to one of the best nights I’ve had in a really long time.”
It was one of the handful of times Erin had said something that wasn’t tainted in sarcasm or a joke. Any one of those attributes that while Nestor had a secret appreciation for, he couldn’t help but also love these rare intimate moments with the girl.
“I’m glad I came.” Nestor held his composure as he always did, despite feeling the nerves and sweat all as his heartbeat sped up.
Subconsciously the two moved closer together, their bodies resting against each other, their foreheads centimeters from touching. Nestor’s left hand moved up to grab Erin’s right. His hand first caressed up to her arm, it was light and made Erin’s heart flutter, but then when it rested as a soft grip on her hand her heart started to beat heavy. She suddenly became super aware of how close the two were to each other. Every thought running through her mind at light speed. The endless nights the two had spent together but not one where they were remotely this close, or looked this good. The laughs were nothing compared to the giggles the two shared tonight. Erin never realized any of this before, and if she did she made damn sure to bury it deep without giving it a single thought. Nestor on the other hand, realized it every time he looked at her, every time she spoke, yelled, rolled her eyes. From the moment he saw her, Nestor knew he had feelings for her. But he never could find it in him to act on it.
It’s why now he couldn’t either.
“I have to tell you something.” The words were drowned out by the crowd and music, so when Erin had replied “what?” it was in hopes Nestor would repeat the sentence but instead he just shared the news and to his luck the DJ had just began to fade out the song.
“I joined the Navy, I leave on the first day of summer.”
Erin felt everything in her freeze, but that was after everything dropped. Her heart fell to her stomach, her stomach fell to the floor it felt like and then everything just froze. She thought it was like 10 minutes of her just standing there, but it was barely 10 seconds.
“Wow–uh,–well, we know blue is your color.” Erin’s eyes moved to the boutonniere and her hands loosened slightly from behind his neck but didn’t fall completely.
“Are you mad?” The worry in Nestor’s face did something to Erin. It made everything that she wanted to do just mere seconds ago disappear. The sarcasm was rising back up, her coping mechanism to this exact thing falling into all the right places. But instead of being mean about it, she took her acerbity and decided to joke.
“Not mad, G.I. Joe. Confused how you’re going to make it out at sea when you couldn’t even swim in a pool after watching Jaws.”
“I told you that happened when I was a kid, I was like 10.” Nestor defended himself.
“When we rewatched it I saw how you looked at our pool the next day. Looking for fins and ghosts of marine biologists.”
“I’m glad you’re not mad, I thought you’d be mad.”
If he says mad one more time I’m going to rage. Was the thought in her head but the words that came out were ones of opposition. “Nope, not mad.
“I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.” Nestor smiled, the irony that he was removing her hands from around his neck in the moment he said that. “I gotta take a piss, I’ll be right back, okay?” He squeezed her hands before dropping them and walking away before he could hear the girl’s answer.
Erin stood there, alone, watching Nestor walk away as every emotion she tried so hard to bury for years came barreling to the forefront and just let out a murmur.
“Yea, do what you gotta do.”
__________
The time passed differently when there was a countdown attached to it. There was always a weight hanging over each day, pressure to make the most out of what was left. Each day that the sun stayed out a little longer meant a little less time that was left Nestor went away to boot camp. It was ironic how the days were getting longer but it was just a sign that they were running out.
“Last night home.” Erin plopped down next to Nestor who was sitting on a park bench as the festival that always kicked off the day before summer started commenced in front of them. Erin was holding out a corn dog for Nestor while she started to eat hers.
“I don’t know why you like these things.” He spoke completely ignoring her comment and going to take a bite from the corndog before he took it out of her hand.
“Yet you still eat them.” Erin’s mouth was full as she spoke with a shoulder raise and head shake in disbelief at the words coming out of his mouth.
“It’s like they’re so bad that they’re good.” He explained.
It got quiet between the two as they ate, a comfortable silence as the noises of the festival around them filled the air. Laughs from children chasing each other on the concrete street that was blocked off from cars and littered with food trucks and stands selling things. Music from a live band just a few 100 feet to their left near the park’s lake. The white noise from the bouncy houses that were behind them set up on the large fields of grass.
“Remember this festival last year?” Erin changed topics as she dipped half of her corn dog in cheese.
As she did it, Nestor looked over and realized what she was doing and quickly dipped his own food into the small cheese cup in Erin’s hand.
“Yea, you threw up the 5 corndogs you ate.” Nestor let out a laugh.
“It was 7,” she clarified, those extra two corn dogs might not have mattered to anyone else but to her they were the culprits of what pushed her to get sick, “but I meant the movie.”
“Sound of Music.” Nestor’s voice had a smile in it, almost like he knew what Erin was going to say next.
“The unfinished movie.” There was a bit of disappointment in her voice.
“They might be playing it tonight.” Hopeful, that was the best way to describe how he was speaking to Erin.
“They aren’t. I checked.” Erin let out a sigh as she fell back against the rest of the bench.
“You want to head to your place? We could watch it there.”
It was obvious, the tension in the air. It all came down to these last few hours. Erin wanted to say yes, she wanted to share the full list of things she had started on prom night. She wanted to grab him by his stupid band t-shirt and pull his face to her own, she wanted to tell him how she felt, every thought that she had regarding him. She wanted to tell him not to go, not to leave. But instead nothing of that sort came out.
“No, it’s okay. Let’s just walk around.” Erin shook her head and immediately was standing up so that there was no room for arguments. She was probably two or three feet away when she turned to the man and nodded her head to the side, pointing to the large area of the park that was blocked off with fair games and prizes. “Let’s see who can beat who in the water gun race, we can call it your first bootcamp training.”
Nestor looked down, his arm was extended on the back rest of the bench as he let out a laugh. “You’re on.”
______
If Erin thought the weight of the days prior felt heavy, this morning made it look like the force of a feather. It took everything in her to get out of bed, to get dressed. It didn’t help that saying goodbye felt nothing like their normal days. Despite the obviousness of it all, it was the surrounding of people Erin couldn’t stand. People who wouldn’t miss him the way she would, some who would but in their own way. Erin stood behind Miguel and the other Oceteva. Emily was there too, along with a few of their other friends. Most of them standing ahead of Erin, giving handshakes and pep talks mixed with hugs and laughs. Erin felt like a stranger, like an outsider. It was a feeling she’d have to get used to, she was about to be alone again. She hated comparing the two, but it reminded her heavily about her father. Erin couldn’t help but think that she was just meant to be in this world solo, no friends, no one close, just her against life.
It wouldn’t be the worst thing, but after experiencing loss time and time again, Erin couldn’t help but feel she just made it worse on herself.
Her thoughts were interrupted when the sun suddenly stopped shining on her face and it was just a dark shadow in replacement of it. Looking up she saw Nestor, in his boot camp uniform, his hair freshly cut, likely by his brother this morning. He looked nothing like the man she knew, which she thought would make this easier but it made it even harder.
“So I guess, this is it.” Erin held her hand up in an effort to block the sun from hitting her eyes but it was just a displacement behavior to hide her face from Nestor and hopefully manage any emotion that was building up.
“I’m gonna write, you know.” Nestor had his typical young-teen jokey tone of voice behind the little chuckle that came out.
He didn’t realize it at first but it doubled down on everything to Erin. She didn’t feel seen, or understood, if anything it made her think that everything she was feeling was invalid or overexaggerated.
The pain became so evident in Erin’s eyes that no sunglasses, hand over the forehead, or shadow could hide it.
“Hey, I’m serious.” His voice turned earnest. Before any other words could be spoken, Nestor quickly grabbed the girl and brought her against his chest in an embrace. His hands were resting over her shoulders and his head just over her own. Nestor would have never admitted it to anyone but he never thought the smell of shampoo would break his heart the way it was now as he took a harsh inhale as the two teenagers hugged. “I get visitor days, too. I’ll let you know when they are, it’s gonna fly by. I’ll be home before you know it.”
Erin immediately thought about time and how quick the days from prom to now went, how she blinked and the moment arrived and for a minute felt optimistic. Until, she remembered how time worked. Time changed things, time passed slowly when inconvenient and fast when you wanted a moment to savor it. Time rarely worked out in anyone’s favor, and time never worked in Erin’s. She flashed back to saying goodbye to her father, how she expected her weekends to be in a prison parloir amongst people just like her waiting to talk to their convicted love ones but that never happen. Erin was taken off the list and never heard from the man again. She wanted to threaten Nestor, tell him that he had to write, that he had to reach out but it wasn’t her. To be honest, the part of her that knew how to guard herself from pain and hurt started coming out the minute Nestor had told her about joining the Navy and right now was the moment all that progress was going to break or become as solid as a concrete wall.
“Plus, we still have to finish Sound of Music, so obviously I’ll be home soon so we can do that.” Nestor was getting nervous by the girl’s lack of words, it wasn’t like Erin to go silent like this. He’d take any type of response from her, even a sarcastic one. Anything was better than the silence. So he thought.
“Alright, sailor.” Erin was pulling away from the hug but to Nestor it felt more like she was pushing him away. “Don’t all stand on the same side of the ship.” Erin let out a sarcastic joke that normally Nestor would have rolled his eyes at or even responded too but the words gutted him. He didn’t want a sarcastic response, he wanted something deep and real from the girl. It’s when he finally realized what Erin could’ve been feeling.
“You know you still got me, right? I’m not leaving you, I’m–”
“Doing what you gotta do.” Erin’s arms were coming to rub up and down on Nestor’s arm. It was a gesture to ease him but nothing in this moment was going to make either of them feel comfortable.
All Nestor did was nod in response. Erin gave a half smile and squeezed his arm one last time to say goodbye. His brother had honked the horn and yelled out that they needed to go to stay on time. Erin knew there were a few more people who needed to offer their send offs so instead of Nestor leaving her, she pushed him away and let that concrete wall in her heart stand strong and tall.
“Alright sailor, go do what you gotta do.”
_______________
One letter. No visits. Eight years.
It was about one month in when Erin received the letter from Nestor. It had been following the 3 she sent on her own. The first two were nonsensical, filling him in on silly things like town happenings, new movies, what’s been going on with her family. When she didn’t get a reply she just figured there were rules for the new trainees, they probably had limits and needed to build a tolerance and understanding to being separated from home for periods of time. But when Emily had come home and told Erin that Nestor’s brother had passed away, Erin didn’t care about Navy rules. That’s what the third letter was, it was a beautifully written note of her condolences, her sorrows, and her love and pain for Nestor, despite her opinion on the older Oceteva, she was fully aware of the bond they shared and how this would affect Nestor especially after losing his parents.
When she got his letter back, she knew it was going to be filled with pain and sadness, but she didn’t expect it to be towards her. She read it over and over again, to make sure she was understanding the words correctly. It was a form of torture reading that letter again and again. The coldness in Nestor, the lack of depth in his words, the inadequate reasonings as to why he was doing this.
After boot camp I’m deploying for 3 cycles. Not coming home anytime soon. Writing to let you know that you should stop. Stop sending letters, stop reaching out, stop thinking about me completely.
-Oceteva
After the first day of rereading it came the second. On that second day she only read it once before she set it to flames along with any other mental attachment she had to Nestor. Her pain took her so far that she left Santo Padre on the third day and never looked back.
But here she was eight years later. Back in her hometown but a completely different person. One of ferocity and of independence. She was a person who didn’t take shit from anyone, opinionated and never stifled. It was honestly a lot of her traits from a teenager but heightened, pulled more to the forefront. She never stayed in one place or held onto a relationship for too long, either. She was truly a wildcard.
Currently she was holding up the rocker sign to the security camera that sat in the entrance of her older sister’s house. She didn’t exactly want to be there, but when Miguel called her while she could easily say no to him, she couldn’t say no to Emily. And the way he described it, Emily needed help.
Erin sat on the couch, feeling the weight of their conversation.
“I do always disappear because I hate this fucking town. I never loved it like you do.” Erin was visibly stressed as she spoke to her sister.
“I know but it’s where we grew up. So all our memories are here.” Emily had a definiteness to her words.
“Mm-hmm. Yeah.” Erin crossed her arms and looked up at Emily, a sense of power in her stare. “That’s the problem.” A sarcastic smile filled her face for the briefest second before it fell into a straight face. “I thought you out of all people would understand.” Erin pushed off the kitchen island and crossed her arms.
“Understand what?” Emily was frowning as she brought her espresso cup up to her mouth.
“How often do you see EZ, Em? Must be tough living in this small town running into your teenage sweetheart. The pride of Santo Padre.” Erin was purposely choosing words that would sting and felt emotionally heavy in hopes Emily would get what she was saying without having to say what she actually meant out loud.
The look on Emily’s face gave it away. It was a mix of feeling sick at the mention of EZ, since he went away and Emily went to college it was never brought up again, never talked about between the sisters. It didn’t help that the two didn’t exactly have the bond they used to but it was likely that even if they did Emily would have never brought it up.
“I didn’t realize–” Emily shook her head looking for the right words to say, “you left so soon after he did that I just–” she stopped that sentence and started a new one realizing that thought wasn’t what should have been the sentiment shared to her little sister in this moment. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize.”
That wasn’t exactly the most comforting response either but it was better than rehashing the details.
“All good. We all got our own lives to live, shit to do. Obligations.” That last word was said with such grit and harshness, a repetition of something Emily had used earlier in her argument with Erin to get a leg up on her and belittle her little sister but now was coming back to bite her.
“Make yourself at home, Miguel is out on a work thing and I’m about to head out, we’re still in the process of unpacking so it’s kind of crazy.” Emily changed the subject and took a deep inhale as a way to clear the air from their discussion.
“You got doors on your bedrooms so it’s automatically better than the last house I lived at in Santo Padre.” Erin smirked, a smile where her teeth didn’t show and her cheeks barely raised. It was a smile that would have earned her a slap across the face from her mother but from Emily it just earned her the same smile back as she walked away.
Which is what lead Erin to be sitting on the couch, her arm over her forehead with her eyes shut wishing she was anywhere but here. She shot up quickly though at the sound of a door closing, not sure who it could be if Miguel and Emily were out, she knew her sister had hired help around the house with cleaning and that Miguel had security so it was extremely likely to be someone of that nature but it didn’t stop her from being curious.
As she stood up she peaked into the kitchen where she saw the fridge door open and a pair of slacks and dress shoes. The top half of the person was covered by the door but she assumed by the looks of it, it was a security person.
“Just announcing my presence, don’t want to be shot or anything, I’m Emily’s sister, gonna be here for a while.”
A hand rested on the door of the fridge now it stayed there for 10 seconds before it closed revealing the person in entirety.
Erin recognized him immediately, eight years of differences but she could see right through them. After looking at everything that was the same, she took in what was different. He was more built now, he always had a broad chest but now it was more defined. His hair was in two french braids but you could see the curls peeking out through his baby hairs. As her eyes moved down she saw him wearing a button up dress shirt, anyone else could have overseen the purple color to it, but it was a perfect match to what the eldest Oceteva brother drove when they were in high school.
“What are you doing here?” Nestor’s voice was shaky as he spoke.
Erin let out a scoff. “What am I doing here? It’s my sister's house. What are you doing here?” Her eyes looked down to the holsters across his arms, the guns snuggled tightly in their respective places and it hit her. “Holy shit, you work for him.”
Immediately, she thought about all the things she was going to say to her sister for not warning her, for not giving her the heads up, especially after the things they talked about. It might not have been direct, but Erin knew Emily understood the weight of everything she was saying and she was definitely going to ring her sister out.
Nestor just stood there, not sure what to say.
“You know, I pictured this, running into you back home, the part of me that still romanticizes shit thought maybe it’d be at the day before summer festival, Sound of Music on that stupid blow up projector. I thought you’d apologize, tell me what the fuck happened in that thick ass skull of yours five years ago. And even if nothing came out of it, we’d have some type of fucking closure, some answers.”
“Erin.” Nestor spoke like he was going to take a step forward but he was still frozen in place.
“You’re just as much of the mystery man you were when I first met you. Serial killer and all.” She pointed at the guns on his side, a smile on her face but it was one of full shock and heartbreak.
“I pushed you away because it was the best thing.” It was the first real thing Nestor had said since the two were sharing space in the kitchen.
“And this?” Erin waved her hands in reference to the house around her. “Is this the best thing?” Her hand moved to her head as if a headache was onsetting which wouldn’t have been much of a surprise based on the situation going on right now. “For fucks sake, Nestor. We used to make fun of these guys, we used to shit on them, we hated them.”
“I never hated them. I told you. I told you Mikey was like a brother to me.” There he was the young vocal Nestor that only Erin and a good amount of alcohol could bring out these days.
“So you decide to come and do his dirty work, be his little bitch?” Erin wasn’t going to hold back now. “Real brotherly. Would a brother take your life from you, what kind of fucking life is this Nestor?”
“One with purpose.” He responded so quickly like it was an automated response, like he was on a job interview or was given a script.
Erin let out a laugh. “And to think I loved you.” Her eyes were wide at the statement, it was something she never said out loud before, she thought it, but never spoke it. But that wasn’t why her eyes were wide, it was the shock of whatever was unfolding in front of her.
At the mention of love, Nestor went soft. His eyes softened. Yet another way the two were on completely different pages, completely different wavelengths.
“Er.”
“Don’t worry about it, Nes,” Erin retorted with her own nickname. “We just became the people we were meant to be.” Erin shrugged and made her way toward Nestor. The two were now inches from one another like they were the last time they saw each other, except now Erin wasn’t going to hide any of her emotion, she wasn’t going to bite back any anger.
“I’m not planning on being here long. Got a disappearing act to keep up with. Wouldn’t want to drop any stars on Yelp, you know. Erin the wild, in your city one day and out the next. Guess I have you and my dear old dad to thank for that.”
“Erin.” Nestor whispered her full name and went to move so he could try and grab her hands but she pulled them away like she was near a hot stove. Her hand gravitated to his shoulder and patted it in such a sarcastic manner, the attitude dripping off every syllable she spoke before pushing past him and leaving him alone in the kitchen.
“You do what you gotta do, Nestor. Like you always have.”
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podraje · 1 month ago
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It's 4th of January, I am still away and that's what's been keeping me from doing a 2025 goals list, but I'd love to finally do it.
In 2025:
🐍 I want to buy a hanging calendar (monthly) and put it over my desk. Writing monthly goals with deadlines works wonders for me, and I want to be able to see them at all time.
🐍 I want to get rid of my old notebooks from Uni, and buy a beautiful one, to keep my writing notes and ideas in, so I would have it all in one place while writing on my computer. Because now I have some in my phone notes, in google docs, on pinterest, in old notebook that is not aesthetically pleasing and full of ripped pages, etc. This technique worked well when I was writing my master's thesis.
🐍 I want to have at least as good of writing year as I did in 2024 (my best year writing-wise [propably ever]). I hope my calendar will help me with this.
🐍 I want to read more books that'll keep me inspired (remember how reading Lockwood and Co kick-started my 2024 writing? That was incredible feeling 😭). I just want inspiration ✨️ I love how new worldbuilding ideas are coming to me, I love this so much, I just need to figure out the plot, cause it's not going where I wanted it to and I need to get back on track, without going back and rewriting 10th chapter again (since there isn't much to change, just like, four lines, but I like them and that's the problem).
🐍 Honestly? I don't want a busy year. I barely noticed and celebrated 2024, I felt disconnected to it, to the natural cycle. I want less work related travels. I want to spend more time with family and friends - so more home related travels (2024 was lacking in that department) and I want to be able to have free weekends in the summer to go for swimming and go for walks, and ride a bike 🌊🚴‍♂️🚶🏼‍♀️
🐍 I want to have summer vacation abroad with my bf (we never had a chance to go abroad together). If this LONG stay in his home village taught me anything, it's that I hate leaving home for too long. So I guess a 5 days vacation will be the best option. Maybe a city break? Cause I like those the most.
🐍 I want to go ice skating (with my bf, because WE NEVER DID IT TOGETHER, which is insane to me, because in my hometown there was an ice skate rink, and I was skating with everyone all the time. And we have been together for almost 6 years, and never went ice skating!!! 😱 [because in the city where we live, ice skate rink is expensive and used to have crazy skating times, and you had to book them and it was a whole thing, and I was pissed off at this. Thank God they changed it]).
🐍 I would love to go skiing! I have been skiing since I was 10, mostly because my hometown is near mountains, and now, my beloved city is far away from everything (!!!!!), so a mountain trip would have to take a whole weekend. But I (after almost 6 years, good Lord 🙈) found out, that in my bf's home region there is ONE (1) ski slope and this is the closest one --- wait I just checked it in google, and IT'S NOT THE ONLY ONE, I AM PISSED. But tbh, even If I knew about it before, we didn't have a car, so we wouldn't be able to go skiing either way. Owning a car does wonders. Too bad we didn't have the time to use it too much (for fun things) in 2024. I WANT TO GO SKI!!! (I also want to take my bf, because he never went skiing, and I think he will propably hate it, because he has knees issues, but I would love for him to at least try/be with me).
🐍 We will start the process of apartment hunting, so by the end of the 2025, I would want to have at least a clear situation - will we be buying off the one we are currently renting, or will we be buying something new? Some verbal agreements with the potential seller would be nice.
🐍 I wish to get engaged this year 🙈🙉 I am not getting any younger, and I am the type of girl who needs to be married to have children. And I would like to have a child sometime around 30.
🐍 Last but not least, I need to start going to the gym. I have a sitting lifestyle and it took a toll on my health and condition. I want to start running and gain some muscle, because I am the weakest bitch you know. I tried running outside, but it's just not for me. I used to go to the gym when I was a teenager and I liked running on the threadmill (also my friend inspired me, she only goes to the gym for the threadmill, and for some reason I thought you can't do that 😅). Also, I want to start going to the pool. Same thing as the ice skating - used to go very often, but now in my city there aren't a lot of cheap, city pools, and most of those are on the other side of the town. Once again the car will help me move around the city more quickly.
🐍 OH! Also I forgot - I need to take care of my guitar. I haven't played it in around 2 years, and it sits sad in the corner. My resolution is to play it at least a little this year. Maybe replace the strings, because they have ~10 years 😅 Maybe buy a guitar stand. If it's out of the case, it would take less effort to take it and play 😅
I think that's it? It seems like a lot, but many of those will be accomplished right when I'm back home (ice skating, calendar buying, notebook). And most of those are just a lifestyle plans. I want to take things slowly, appreciate the cycle of the year and the nature. Spent more time outside and have more free weekends to do fun shit.
-> A bonus wish would be to go camping once this summer, but that might be a difficult to accomplish, since we don't own a tent (and I'm not sure if anyone we know owns one).
Everyone is making new year's vision boards, so I will make emoji board, cause I'm lazy and don't really want to do a vision board. But like, emojis that would encapsulate the vibes I want, seems like fun idea.
❄️🌬⛄️⛷️⛸️🎿✒️📚🎸📸🌻💍🎬🌲🏕🌿🌊🚲🛤☀️🏊🌄
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seraph-of-sizes · 10 months ago
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Broken Homes of Different Sizes pt8
Borrower Lyney and Lynette, Human Freminet (Slight au with borrowers existing, everything else is the same as canon)
—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“So. Who exactly was that?” Lyney broke the tense silence that had descended over the table after everyone had finished eating.
“No one really knows her name, but most call her the Traveler. She’s going around Teyvat looking for her twin brother.” Freminet explained softly as he carefully put his covers back onto his teeth. “I don’t- I didn’t mean to attack her, but she kept staring at Nette.”
“When Fremi walked in, I was speaking with her and she was showing me a photo of her brother. From his perspective, it likely looked as if she was trying to grab me.” Lynette explained to Lyney. “I had already told Rosseland to stand down since she was invited by Fremi, and was amiable enough.”
“I thought you were in danger.” Fremi lowered his head. “I’m sorry. I’ll have to make it up to the Traveler too.”
“Well at least we know the Traveler is someone we can probably trust if we see her again.” Lyney hummed, standing up and stretching. “Anyhow, I think we should find time to go on an outside borrowing trip soon, dear sister. We’re getting low on our dried stores.”
Lynette nodded, also standing up and stretching. “I’ll have to take a quick power nap first. My energy levels are low.”
“Wait, outside borrowing?” The twins turned to look up at Freminet. “How often do you do that?”
“Not very, usually once every two months.” The pyro user sighed. “But it’s starting to get further from Spring and into Summer, so most flowers will turn into fruit soon. And we need the flowers for medicines.”
A soft thud echoed in the silence as Freminet sat a notebook on the table, pushing away his breakfast plates. “What kind of plants?”
Lynette’s ear folded back and she glanced at Lyney who also looked a little perturbed. “Is there a reason you want to know? It’s not like it would work on you, the amount of flowers you would need would be way more than you could reasonably gather.”
Freminet paused, before glancing down at his notebook shyly. “S-sorry, I wasn’t thinking. You probably wouldn’t want to share that kind of stuff with a human.”
“That’s not what we said.” Lyney sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Borrowing habits are routines we keep to avoid the humans we live around, yes, but it's also our entire lives.”
“We understand you want to help, but breaking those habits would be rough on us. If we just asked you to get everything for us…we would probably end up irrationally irritable.” Lynette explained. “One trip change and months of work could be wasted.”
“So what if I don’t do it for you, but keep watch for you?” Freminet asked slowly. “I’m afraid to see you two get hurt at all, hence my fight with the Traveler. But I don’t want to encroach on your individuality and independence.”
Lyney turned to Lynette. “We could give a rough timeline of our borrowing trips, so that we aren’t in his way, and he can make sure we’re safe for his peace of mind.”
“That could work.” Lynette nodded, her tail slowing from its lashing state.
The twins and Freminet sat at the table for a while, going over routine borrowing trips and the seasonal trips. A rough schedule formed as they worked, and they all began to relax from the stressful morning’s events.
“Okay, that’s all of it.” Freminet nodded as he carefully put away the notebook. 
“I’m going to clean up breakfast.” The human warned as he collected the dishes, the twins nodded and made their ways off of the table and back into the walls. A sigh of relief echoed between them, and they glanced at each other.
“What was that?” Lyney asked slowly, pressing a hand to his chest. “It was unsettling.”
“Someone was listening in on us the whole time.” Lynette hissed, her tail lashing, and ears folded back. “It felt disturbing but not malicious.”
“Like an ice bath, but no intent to harm, exactly.” Lyney nodded, glancing in the direction where he could hear Freminet shuffling around. “He didn’t react at all.”
“So either he knew and faked it…” 
Lyney nodded. “Or he’s completely unaware.”
The twins began to walk through the walls, each passage familiar, yet darker than usual. An oppressive air settled in the quiet of the space.
“If he knew, he would’ve told us, he’s Oath Bound.” Lynette said softly. 
“That’s if he thought they would harm us, but if they only intend to watch, or capture us…that’s technically not harming us.” Lyney argued, his chest tight and a bitter taste in his mouth at the thought of this human that he had put so much trust into potentially betraying them.
“He defended me, he caught me and let me go, remember?” Lynette whispered, hugging herself as they reached their home in the walls, hidden behind the bookshelf. “He- we’re supposed to trust him, right?”
“Yes, we are.” There was a beat of silence. “Hopefully, that trust isn’t being taken for granted.”
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blxxeu · 1 year ago
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happy
i want to be four again.  to play with my toys on the kitchen floor while my mom is making apple pie next to me, to scream at the top of my lungs when i'm running down the hill next to my house, to cry of happiness at the news of my mother being pregnant with my little sister, to hold my tears in whilst trying to look tough after falling and getting scars on my knees, to wake up in the darkness of my room from my baby sister crying, to feel unconditional love for my first “forever” best friend when i hugged her for the first time under the christmas tree,  to wake up confused in my bed the morning after i fell asleep on the sofa. 
i want to be seven again.  to smile big at my first attempt to ride a bike and making it, to not be able to contain my excitement for learning how to read, write and do math at school, to cry when i have to leave my friend’s house after playing together the whole afternoon, to eat cold sandwiches on breaks, to witness my sister taking her first steps, to watch disney shows when i come back home from school, to climb the tree in our house’s garden withouth falling for the first time, to eat the biggest ice cream cone in existence that my grandad gifted me on my birthday, to be devastated for having to start wearing glasses for the rest of my life. 
i want to be eleven again.  to relive my first music theory class, to try on my mom’s high heels and fall to my knees, to be scared of soon going to middle school, to get my first ever computer with an internet conection in the house, to start dressing the way i like even if no one else likes it, to start playing instruments and singing in choirs, to announce to my mom that i will become a fashion designer when i grow up and proceed to fill up millions of notebooks with my designs, to play “chefs” with my sister while we are feeding each other dirt mixed with water from the ground, to read books for the first time and realise how much i love them. 
i want to be fifteen again.  to find my very first friend group in high school, to go to my first out of country trip, to win choir competions, to study hard because academic validation is my coping mechanism, to hang out with my friends at the local playground on summer afternoons, to listen to music in my room while singing at the top of my lungs, to find my first part time job, to fall in love with my first ever serious crush, to hang posters of my favourite bands on my bedroom’s walls, to start getting into fights with my sister because she is too young to hang out with me now, to look at the falling stars from my balcony at night, to play video games with my friend who visits every summer.  
i want to be eighteen again.  to cry for days non-stop because my only friends left me, to start attending art classes, to sit on the bus and try not to fall asleep because of my exhaustion, to go to my first and last prom dance, to really feel lonely, to draw every chance i get, to leave my music studies behind, to travel to athens for the first time, to throw up from exams’ stress and anxiety, to hear the news of me getting into my first choice university, to finally reach my goal of moving out of my parents’ house and crying my eyes out for starting a new life, to make new friends from all over the country on my first day at uni, to visit home after months of being away. 
i want to be twenty again.  to walk back home from university while it’s raining and i have forgotten my umbrella at my appartment, to barely sleep because of my assignments, to fail my first uni class, to start contemporary dance lessons, to come to terms with the fact that i may be studying architecture but this is not what i want to do in life, to go out with my two best friends at whatever time of day because i no longer need permission from my parents to do anything, to go to the cinema next to my appartment complex late at night and watch horror films, to travel and meet my internet friends, to journal and draw when i have free time from studying, to do presentations of my architecture projects, to feel like i am finally finding my way. 
oh, how nice it would be to turn back time, to tell myself how much happiness was there when i was younger, how much less worried i should have been, how useless all those tears i've shed were, how silly little me was for not knowing she was letting the best years of her life slip through her fingers by always being sad. i never realised how truly happy i was when i was four, seven, eleven, fifteen, eighteen, twenty and all the ages in between. but, i do know it now, at twenty five, when life has changed for one more time and i feel like it’s out of my control, just like all the other times that life changed and i felt lost... 
maybe in five years from now i will know what the happiness i am feeling now feels, tastes, smells or sounds like. because i always feel happy way too late, i don't know how to feel it when the time is there, i am always a step away from it no matter how close i try to get.  
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madphantom · 1 year ago
Text
Brand new Susan's Hell Sprint snippet incoming
Log of Susan Adams, written December 1st, 1973
Aunt Dot passed away in October. Unfortunately, it wasn't really a peaceful or natural death. Well, I don't know about the peaceful aspect. She drank an entire bottle of wine, then wandered out into the woods and fell asleep face down in a roadside puddle. Someone heard her dog howl in the woods and found her the next morning.
It's a strange feeling, to know she's gone. I enjoyed Aunt Dot's company. She was a small, chatty woman with once black hair and freckles on the bridge of her nose, a sweet, gentle soul with a great appreciation for life in all its forms, and a great storyteller. She always had a lot of ghost stories from the valley she lived in - she had this house she built in the fifties, in the middle of the woods, near a lake. The place looks like it's straight out of a fairytale, especially in the mornings, when the fog looks like spirits wandering through the long grass and spindly trees.
After Aunt Dot's death it was me who inherited the house.
I had been there before as a child, two or three times. It really was a beautiful house, but one that left you with a somewhat uneasy feeling when darkness fell upon the valley.
And I had the worst dreams of my life in that house.
There wasn't a single night when I did not wake up sobbing at some point, calling out for Aunt Dot until she came running over to the guest bedroom to calm me down. What happened?, she would ask. What did you dream about? And I would curl up, a shaking mess, and stutter something about a burning house, or a woman in red hanging upside down in a tree and staring at me, her burnt cindered face twisted into a grotesque, horrifying grin. Those nightmares were freakish. That's why, eventually, I stopped visiting and she began to stay with us in the city every summer.
Before selling it, however, nostalgia got the best of me, and I decided to return one last time. For old times’ sake. I think some part of me just wanted to see if it really was as spooky as I remembered it. Morbid curiosity. It's a little bit silly.
But anyway, I traveled to the house. I planned to stay for a month; I ended up staying for a week. I dug through the house, found old photographs, postcards, notebooks, letters, all kinds of memorabilia. I immersed myself in the history of that house.
In the end, I left it unsold. What I found creeped me out too much.
But back to my visit. I arrived in the nearest village on the evening of October 26th, a week after Aunt Dot’s funeral. I planned to go to the funeral, but I didn't get the day off at work. I quit my job after that, by the way. I'm currently looking for another one.
The weather was terrible. It was gradually getting darker on the train ride, and by the time I arrived it was absolutely pouring. Murky knee deep puddles stood on the roadside and rainwater ran down the streets. The emptying trees stood in the dark like starved giants. There were only a few lights on in the village, and out by the woodside I saw the flickering orange glow of a lonesome window.
I was thirsty and to be honest, a bit lost, so I walked into the nearest pub to look for directions. The place looked like time had stood still there for a long while. It was mostly empty, but it was still early in the evening.
I sat down at the counter and the friendly bartender poured me a beer. “So, why are you here?”
“I’m uh, Susan, the niece of Dot Wilkins,” I awkwardly explained, cleaning my glasses on my shirt. “I inherited the house and I uhhhhhh wanted to come visit it.”
“Oh dear, poor Dot. She was a lovely woman.” He shook his head in disdain. “Such a shame, what happened. Where are you staying?”
“Uhhhhhh the house in the valley.” I laughed nervously. “But I don't really know the way, it's been years since I was here.”
The bartender tilted his head and leaned forward. “Between you and me - you're going to have a hard time finding someone who’ll accompany you to that house after dark. There are a lot of stories about that place.”
“Oh.” I hesitated, running out of things to say. “What now?”
“You could ask Rory. He really doesn't have any issues with going there.”
“Rory?”
“He lives down by the woodside. Bit of a strange guy, but you can trust him. He actually got along quite well with your aunt.”
“Oh, that sounds nice. Is he coming here?”
“Oh, he's here every night. One of my favourite patrons.”
“That's nice.” I awkwardly played around with my sleeves.
The door opened behind me and a gust of cold air entered the pub. The bartender's eyes lit up. “Speak of the devil, there he is!”
I turned around.
Rory was a tall and slight young man in a green turtleneck, who would have looked like a girl that looked like a boy if not for the slight ginger stubble on his chin. He had shoulder-lengthed flaming red hair, with bangs so thick they completely covered his eyes. His nose was Roman, his cheekbones sharp and he had dimples, and I think I fell for him, just a little.
“Hi Stevie!”, he greeted the bartender and grinned. His sharp teeth gave his smile something foxlike, just the tiniest bit uncanny, almost like a snarl. “How's it going?”
His voice struck me. It sounded like birch trees in the wind, like green woodpeckers calling to each other in the treetops in the mornings, somehow light and deep at the same time, young and old, timelessly classy, somehow, inexplicably fascinating.
“Hi Rory. Same as usual?” Stevie reached for a glass and grabbed it as soon as the young man nodded. “Not much special. Say, would you want to take a walk out to Dot’s house tonight?”
Rory tilted his head. “Tonight? In this weather?”
“This lovely lady here is Dot’s niece.” Stevie patted me on the shoulder. “She inherited the house and she's planning on staying there.”
“Oh dear.”
I smiled nervously. “I have to admit, I'll most likely sell it. I visited a couple times as a kid, but I always get nightmares in that house, so…”
“Hm.” Rory sat down next to me and folded his hands, his rings clicking. “Why'd you come here then?” He must've seen how anxious I was, because he quickly added: “Sorry, I'm not being hostile, I'm just curious.” He chuckled.
I shrugged. “Nostalgia, I suppose. I haven't been here in years, but it is kind of a childhood memory, so…”
He nodded. “Ah, I get that.”
The rain came down like it was the end of the world. We sat in that pub and talked and talked, and laughed and laughed, until finally it was almost midnight and Stevie wanted to close the place. Shuddering, the two of us found ourselves in front of the door. When I looked up I saw barely illuminated droplets fall out of the void that was the night sky.
“Alright,” Rory said and smiled at me. “Let me just get my jacket at home. You can come along.”
“Thank you.” I awkwardly trundled along down the street. The lights in the windows became fewer and fewer, and when we reached the last house on the street it was almost pitch black.
“Maybe I should get a flashlight as well,” Rory suggested and I laughed nervously. “Sounds good.”
He clicked his tongue and pulled his keys out of the pocket of his jeans. With a slight ta-chick he opened the door. “You can come in for a moment.”
I stepped inside. It was warm and comfortable. The corridor had green wallpapers and a faded movie poster from fifty years ago stuck to one wall. Rory grabbed a scratched up brown leather jacket and grinned at me. His white teeth glinted in the dark. “I'll go get the flashlight upstairs. Be right back.”
“Okay.”
I awkwardly waited while he jogged upstairs. I listened to his footsteps and him mumbling something under his breath, then rummaging through what I assumed was a drawer. Then, finally, I heard a triumphant “Ah!” and then he came back downstairs.
“Took a bit of searching,” he explained. “Let's go.”
The wind roared quietly in the treetops when we set foot into the forest. I was glad that I didn't pack more than a backpack for the trip. Carrying an entire suitcase along would have been an absolute disaster.
“So, how come everybody's so spooked by the valley?”, I asked after we had walked in silence for a while.
Rory glanced up. His damp hair stuck to his face, completely hiding his eyes, but he didn't bother to brush it away. “Ohh, that.” He chuckled. “It's a long story.”
“I think we have time, don't we?”
Rory smiled. “I suppose we do. It is a ghost story though. What are your thoughts on ghost stories?”
“They scare me. Though I think that's the purpose, haha.”
“The valley has set the scene for a lot of tragedies in the past two hundred years or so,” he began. “Over and over, people died here. Sometimes quietly. Sometimes with a bang. But they died, over and over, and for all kinds of reasons. Drowning, falling from trees they climbed, freezing to death, burning to death, murder - of course -, the list is long and, dare I say, creative.”
“Oh.”
I hesitated when I saw something white flickering among the trees. When we got closer I saw that they were ribbons tied to a wreath of flowers. Rory paused.
“Is…this where it happened?”, I asked.
He chewed his lip. “Yeah. Shame, really. I liked your aunt. She was a wonderful person.”
“Yeah, she was.” I felt a bit lost for the moment. “Did you know each other well?”
Rory continued walking and I hopped after him. “Everyone knows everyone here. Though, I suppose you could say we were friends. Personally, I believe it was our mutual lack of respect towards the valley.” He chuckled. “She was never afraid of whatever is going on here. She had many stories to tell about it.”
The flashlight hushed across an opening among the trees. We were leaving the woods and stepping into a field.
Rory pointed into the distance. “The house is over there. Do you see it?”
I squinted and barely saw the contours of it, like a pale giant sleeping in the long grass. “Yes.”
“Well, then let's go.” He smiled.
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