#all lives end all hearts broken
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Eve: "Regarding the lyrics, this time its about portraying the conflicts and feelings of the characters in Jujutsu kaisen. This kind of feeling inside me, made me choose the characters one by one and thus write the lyrics. I don't dare to say where or who..."
Also Eve:
Alternative translations: 1 2 3 4
The lyrics hit different after ch 271. I kinda want this to be the op for s4 ngl
#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#ryomen sukuna#gojo satoru#sukugo#my post#this is all eve all I did was take a screen shot at the convenient time to further my Sukugo agenda lol#I think the characters this is about are Sukuna Megumi gojo and maaaaybe yuji and yuta#But I think it's mainly about Sukuna's feelings during the shinjuku showdown especially towards gojo#It's art anyone can interpret it the way they want#but “my passion that towards you only cuts through the air like a wish” while showing the prison cube getting cut in half... yeah...#Also “lost emotions”??? Like what? Nervousness? Lmao#Love is when he makes you feel nervous for the first time in a thousand years#“thoughts voice words and lost emotions and love spin and spin towards the chance of victory” I love the use of the word “spin” here#cuz mahoraga's wheel spinning was like a count down for the you know what#I like how it starts with Sukuna's finger box and ends with it note how it has this black sludge thingy around it in the beginning#but in the end it's cleared (watch the video)#“Expectations overlap with regrets” *Shows their hands reaching* o m g????? That other hand is definitely Sukuna's it has black nails!!!#The other hand we see coming out of an eye !!!!!!#“the memory and love to be hidden and the eternal identity till death shall it be fine to keep them staying” While showing the last finger#And that heart cut in half!!!! it's probably about kashimo but kashimo was only created to bring the subtext into text anyways sooo...#That brain is definitely yuta taking over and I'd like to think that broken sphere is yuta's domain barriers that shattered in ch 263#Expectations overlap with regrets indeed 😏 that being the slowest part of the song is so fucking funny Sukuna's really missing his wife#To me now this song is about Sukuna's unspoken love and regret and preserving this love and memory for as long as his remains exist#Also there's a line in the song about these feelings “riding on the past and future” which is just aghhhh reminds me of Kashimo's question#why mince your soul into cursed objects and watch all those years go by what were you looking for#Sukuna literally time travelled met his love said he will remember him for as long as he lives and died in the same fucking day#only for his remains to stay protecting japan and preserve that memory The body is the soul and the soul is the body yeah?#Also Sukuna is basically tengen now so the six eyes is bound to him 😉 Gojo is the reason Sukuna's memory is preserved and vice versa#kenjaku baby trapped him to do bad things gojo finger trapped him into becoming Japan's protector against curses... Gojo best wife
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#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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my mrd ocs Gossamer (rat) and Glass (heart), aka "Sad Rat Dead"
"Gossamer is dead… right? Glass, their heart that's falling apart, isn't so sure, because even though the despondent rat has given up and gone ghostly, their heart is still beating. While Gossamer has accepted their death, Glass doesn't want to give up the ghost just yet. They urge Gossamer out of their cage to find a way to regain corporeality, and together they learn what it takes to want to keep living."
"C'mon, Gossamer! Don't you at least have a final wish for your last day?" "I don't know... I don't think I do..." "Well then... let's live long enough to find one, okay?"
#mrd#mad rat dead oc#mrd oc#mad rat dead#general oc tag#glass isn't fully developed yet design wise; id rather them be easier to draw and this broken design isnt very good yet. idk#generally their entire shtick is that gossamer is the ''depression and acceptance'' part of grief and glass is ''denial and bargaining''#obviously we don't need anger because mad rat exists already hfkhd#it probably plays like a roguelite version of mad rat dead because gossamer doesnt have the reversing time mechanic (since it requires-#(gossamer to ask their heart to want to relive their final day; which they don't really care about. but glass wants to!!)#they learn more about each other as the story goes on and understand each other's way of thinking and help each other grow.#very big allegory for living with depression. like its not even subtextual; Gossamer very much has debilitating depression.#i think its an interesting parallel to mrd! rat struggling to live his last day on earth learning to accept his death in the end#and then a rat waiting to die on their last day on earth learning how to want to live again.#i think the story's bound to be very cheesy but hey; it's mad rat dead after all hgkjh#my favorite color is queue
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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I agree with u about lucas becoming violent again. As much as JJ deserved what happened, I just don't want lucas to go down that road again. He spent a long time trying to control himself and not get angry and violent, and now that may all go out the window. I hope they don't make him become a violent person, seeing that once was enough. He was doing so well, and it now may all be for nothing.
it sucks. on some level i always knew he’d get into crime and probably make plenty of other bad decisions for himself, but becoming violent again can and will put him on a path that is not healthy for him or the people in his life. no matter how much we all think jj deserves to get knocked out i’m legit sad that lucas was the one who did it. it must have been severe for him to have gotten locked up for this long too.
I just don’t know if justice has been served if the kid doing the vigilantism has only ended up damaging himself, his mental health and his relationships in the pursuit of it.
#I hate to be annoying#bc I know some ppl will find this annoying and think I’m being silly bc we all hate jj and he deserves to rot#but like#he’s successfully blown up his life doing this#he’s undone all the work he’s done#broken the promises he made to his partner to be better#and look at what’s ended up happening#he’s been in prison for 9 months and his boyfriend has knocked his sister up#violence leads to self destruction leads to more violence and the cycle never ends#replies#anonymous#maybe I am thinking too hard about a character on a soap and ultimately it’s all meaningless#but it just pains my heart to think about the fact that he might never live a stable life
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i always said that once i stop caring what other people think about me it’s over for you bitches and it’s finally happened i’m literally untouchable
#everyone else my age like oh i’m getting married ! oh i had a baby ! me i’m becoming evil#i decided months ago that i’m done i live in the worst place in the country or on earth even and these asshole people are not getting any#more out of me. i don’t smile at anyone anymore. i don’t make eye contact. i’m done with this place and these rude ass people#so today i was at the gas station and pulled up behind someone and got out and the pump didn’t work so i got back in#and waited for the girl in front of me to be done bc everywhere else had a line anyway#so when she finally leaves the asshole in the jeep behind me is yelling at me through his window and literally about to rear end me#and i’m trying to tell him that one doesn’t work so he’s still yelling at me through the window and i keep mouthing IT DOES NOT WORK#bc he simply is not getting and finally he sticks his piece of shit head out the window and LISTENS to me and i said it DOESNT WORK.#it’s BROKEN.#and i realize he thought i was just waiting to be at the first pump and holding up the line but i don’t fucking care#so then he goes. oh. and he gets out and i said you can try it but it says it’s broken.#monotone bc i’m not trying to be nice#and he’s like oh ok. then i take back everything i said about you in the car LOL#and i said. ok.#and he said nah i wasnt saying anything about you#and i said nothing#then he’s a fuck face so he’s all embarrassed and acting like we’re buddies now#so he’s like huuuh. usually there’s an attendant walking around.. and i say i havent seen anyone. not looking at him#and he goes huuuh usually they put a sign or something out that it’s broken and i said nothing so like#the slimy piece of shit he is he silently gets back in his car and waits and then i leave and i’m like#in this circumstance 100% normally my heart would have been pounding out my chest bc i’m afraid of confrontation and who isnt afraid of#men yelling at them but this time i felt nothing except anger bc why the fuck are you trying to start something with me in the fucking gas#station go to another fucking line if you’re in that big of a rush and also learn how to fucking read when it says pump out of order#before you try to fucking rear end me which go for it btw bc i have dash cams and anyway#i’m so fucking sick of living here and i’ll never get out#but. i’m proud of myself for not being afraid or scared and just dealing with that piece of shit straightforward
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updated overall faves from the top of my head:
cassandra who's afraid of little old me? the bolter but daddy i love him guilty as sin? the alchemy florida!!! the smallest man who ever lived
#the thing is is like. i do genuinely enjoy almost all of the songs. they're just kinda forgettable and blend after#so the standouts end up being a lot of ttpd because i like every song except robin really on the anthology#but cassandra and the bolter are the WOW ones#whereas the other ttpd songs kinda blend or are v distinct but not totally my vibe (down bad / i can do it with a broken heart)#but these are like i know what the song is and i know i like it and it stands out <3#these are the songs that i could probably type into youtube like i wanna listen to that now#when overall this is an album that's like. i'll listen all the way through bc there are no like repeaters To Me#(like stay don't go or haunted or long live or would've could've should've or nothing new that i would play every day)#(i don't really have that here)#i'm sure there are others like the prophecy or the manuscript or i look in people's windows or the black dog or i hate it here#bc i know i like them when they come on#but i also need them to come on you feel me#long explanations no one cares about but i am SORTING THOUHGTS#ooc.#tbd.#i don't really have a skip song but i don't really have a repeater either u get me#so funny of me to by like ivy <3 guilty as sin <3 is it over now <3#when songs that get into my top 3 are about cheating look the other way?
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TAGS. i didn't like the other ones asjbfjbsdjgb
#✦⸸ WITHIN THE SHADOWS⸴ WHERE CHAOS WHISPERS⸴ THE WORLD WILL BURN⸴ AND FROM THE ASHES⸴ A NEW DAWN SHALL RISE ⸸✦ (in character)#✦⸸ SILK WORDS AND STEEL PROMISES—IN THE END⸴ BOTH WILL CUT YOU⸴ BUT ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE YOU BLEEDING ⸸✦ (replies)#✦⸸ QUESTIONS TURN TO DAGGERS⸴ EACH WORD A WEAPON⸴ FOR TRUTH IS A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD⸴ SHARP ENOUGH TO CUT DEEPLY ⸸✦ (asks)#✦⸸ WORDS CAN BE WEAPONS⸴ AND HIS ARE POISON-TIPPED⸴ DRIPPING WITH SWEETNESS THAT HIDES THE DEADLY VENOM BENEATH ⸸✦ (rp memes)#✦⸸ LAUGHTER CAN MASK A THREAT⸴ JUST AS A SMILE CAN HIDE A SNARE—READ BETWEEN THE LINES IF YOU DARE ⸸✦ (meme responses)#✦⸸ EVERY THREAD WEAVES A NEW TALE⸴ WHERE TRUTH AND DECEIT INTERTWINE⸴ AND THE ENDING IS NEVER WHAT IT SEEMS ⸸✦ (thread)#✦⸸ STORIES UNFOLD LIKE SPIDER WEBS⸴ THREADS OF FATE INTERTWINED⸴ EACH MOVE PULLING YOU DEEPER INTO THE UNKNOWN ⸸✦ (threads)#✦⸸ BENEATH THE SCARS LIES A MAP OF A LIFE LIVED IN SHADOWS⸴ EVERY LINE ETCHED WITH PAIN⸴ EVERY MARK A TESTAMENT TO SURVIVAL ⸸✦ (visage)#✦⸸ IN THE END⸴ WE'RE ALL JUST STORIES WAITING TO BE TOLD⸴ HIS IS WRITTEN IN BLOOD AND ASHES⸴ A LEGEND IN THE MAKING ⸸✦ (musings)#✦⸸ BENEATH THE MASK⸴ HE ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK—FOR EVEN IN THE HEART OF A STORM⸴ THERE LIES A MOMENT OF CALM ⸸✦ (about)#✦⸸ THE MOON WITNESSES ALL⸴ BLOODSHED⸴ SACRIFICES⸴ AND BROKEN VOWS⸴ YET IT REMAINS⸴ UNCHANGING⸴ AS DO I ⸸✦ (aesthetics)#✦⸸ EVERY STORY HAS TWO SIDES⸴ BUT HIS IS TOLD IN SHADOWS AND WHISPERS⸴ A TALE TOO DARK FOR THE LIGHT OF DAY ⸸✦ (verses)#✦⸸ NOT ALL WARS ARE FOUGHT WITH SWORDS⸴ SOME BATTLES RAGE WITHIN⸴ SHAPING THE SOUL INTO SOMETHING NEW ⸸✦ (headcanons)#✦⸸ BLOOD MAY BIND⸴ BUT TRUE FAMILY IS FORGED IN FIRE⸴ WHERE LOYALTY RUNS DEEPER THAN ANY VEIN ⸸✦ (family)#✦⸸ IN THIS WORLD⸴ THE LINES BETWEEN LIGHT AND DARK BLUR⸴ WHERE DESTINY IS FORGED IN FIRE⸴ AND THE TRUE BATTLE IS WITHIN ⸸✦ (main verse)#✦⸸ A WHISPER IN THE DARK⸴ A SPARK OF CREATION⸴ WHERE WORDS GIVE LIFE TO THE SHADOWS AND IMAGINATION RUNS WILD ⸸✦ (prompts)#✦⸸ A COSMIC CATASTROPHE⸴ STARS EXPLODE⸴ RUIN FOLLOWS⸴ THEIR LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL AND UNAVOIDABLE⸸✦ (astraia ♡ starborne)#✦⸸ ROTTEN LEAVES FALL⸴ THORNS PIERCE⸴ THEIR LOVE IS A TANGLE OF DECEPTION AND DESIRE⸴ FOREVER WILD AND CRUEL⸸✦ (tara ♡ rotdame)#long post. // //
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Want to actually kill myself :-/
#not really 😿#i just. i feel that i am making a mistake 😿 and it's horrible because the mistake i am making is the only thing i have ever really wanted#its fucking worth it i guess. is it? apparently love is worth it even when it makes you want to die#maybe love shouldnt make you want to die. maybe its me thats broken. if its good and beautiful i dont deserve it but if it's hard and ugly#then you just hate yourself because it must be your fault and you must be able to do better#and i just love her so much but what if she cant get better. i know she can. but what if i cant save her#what if i end up so much more doomed for my efforts. what if i spend another two years trying to keep my head above water trying to solve#unsolvable problems and fighting a loosing battle against someone who?#should be my partner my friend my equal#trying to fill someones head with love and goodness in vein because they wont let go or loosen their grip on their trauma responses#will i really be able to live the life i want to live if i keep promising her the world. what if i just fail once again for thebillionthtime#what if i make her hate me what if im still not enough.i am setting myself up to get my heart broken in themost spectacular worldending way.#and its actually horrifying. i want to live under a fucking rock forever and never make any fri3nds ever again because maybe I'll finally#feel safe that way. yay#who up catastrophising with me tonight. yippee. lets all hold hands so tight
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Have I ever ranted about my Kevneil to Kandreil Raven!Neil AU I've had stewing in my mind like a nice pot roast on here?
#its like the most heart breaking thing#like Neil and Kevin are secret lovers in the Nest and do everything to keep each other frok Riko's wrath#it never truley works and Riko just comes down harder on the other when they do#its how Kevin's hand got broken#a mix of jealousy from the rumors that Kevin will surpase Riko and punishment from keeping Neil from enduring Riko's punishment#Jean and Neil end up getting Kevin out of their and to Wymack because all three of them know the Truth™️#Then of course during that year while Kevin vecomes an assistant coach Riko comes down hard on Neil more then he ever has#Jean ends up having to get Neil out when Riko completely trashes Neil's left foot#which riko does after convincing Neil that Kevin's hand was his fault and how could Kevin ever truly be in live with him#you just standard Riko torturer bs#aftg#all for the game#the foxhole court#neil josten#kevin day#jean moreau#riko moriyama#raven neil
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one of the weirdest things about *waves hands vaguely in the direction of my relationship* this whole experience. is this time around? there really isn’t a Taylor Swift song that captures it for me.
#even the MOST romantic ones? ones that I DO think capture something of the essence of love. none of them are right somehow!#i will still not be elaborating at this time#closest are probably Everything Has Changed (dust off your highest hopes everything HAS changed)#King of My Heart (is this the end of all the endings? my broken bones are mending)#weirdly State of Grace (love is a ruthless game unless you play it good & right! this is the golden age of something good & right & real!)#but there’s no hearing a song everything snapping into place like oh THIS is what it feels like#because none of those songs are about him you know??? the specificity is missing and the specificity is why I love him#Everything Has Changed is wrong because I knew a whole lot more than his name when everything changed!!#King of My Heart is wrong because it’s not QUIET enough. it’s too triumphant not awed enough#State of Grace is wrong because ‘you were never a saint we learn to live with the pain mosaic broken hearts’ just isn’t the vibe!#and neither of us have blue eyes!!!#and if this was a fictional blorbo song none of that would even matter because I can reach across miles to make a blorbo song work#but apparently not this time??#and the answer might be ‘well cate Taylor has never written a song about falling in love with an old friend’#(except for Glitch which lowkey sucks and Mary’s Song and INTHAF which go back TOO far; we didn’t grow up together)#but also…..it might be that this time it’s not primarily in my head and so I can’t twist it to fit a song#they say you know when you’re really in love because all the love songs make sense#but maybe that’s sort of the being in love with love stage??#maybe you know you’re really in love when none of the love songs can fully cross over into the uniqueness of your experience#anyway. ignore me#or send me song recs for friends-to-lovers lol#in which cate tells stories
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I learned about Doji Morita today
#As reductively as possible#Doji Morita was an underground singer/songwriter who made music from 1977 to 1983#They released 8 albums during this time. Creating music that went completely against the trends of the time#which was uplifting jpop and romance songs#Doji Morita was deeply affected by the death of a friend which lead them to creating their music#Until 1983 when they announced their retirement and disappeared#Nobody knew who they were or what their real name was or anything about them#Doji Morita wanted their music to speak for itself and for decades their music is all we ever knew about them#Until 2021 when a prolific author requested a book he wrote be published after his death#In the book we learned a little more about who Doji Morita was as they had passed away in 2018#Officially from heart failure although most likely due to broken heart syndrome following the death of their husband#However despite us knowing their real name today#Doji Morita is still most commonly known by their stage name#And their official name isn't even listed on their wikipedia page#Doji Morita is a rare person who despite a sad end to their life#lived their life on their own terms#Avoiding any fame or personal recognition and known only for their music#Retiring after falling in love and wanting to live a normal life#Which is exactly what they did#Their music is tied deeply to their personal feelings and their sadness#and has connected many people to this day by being an honest expression of these feelings#Which is deeply appreciated especially at the time when many young Japanese people connected to it#more than they did the rising popularity of Jpop idols#Anyway I recommend Sakura Stardust's video on them as she did a lot of research#But I am just happy to enjoy their music in the way they wanted#to just enjoy it on its own and let it speak for itself#SoundCloud
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Bad news lads.... i didn't like the Barbie movie.
I'm gonna rant about my take in the tags please don't send me messages for why I'm wrong this was my personal take away if you don't like it and it makes you mad please just block me.
#my heart is broken#i was so excited so hype i thought i was gonna love it#i thought all the reports being like ''they says they hate men'' were anti feminist reactions#but no this movie is misandrist as fuck#the moral really is ''oh well men rule the real world so women deserve to rule this world and the kens can fuck off and get over it''#when the kens were literally never oppressors#even when they got patriarchy its presented as a disease they caught not as genuinely having power and using it against a vulnerable group#the kens don't get a happy ending the barbies dont have Anything change except one of them is gone now cause she decided she wanted a pussy#barbie spoilers#weird barbie was fun#we didn't get enough of the discontinued barbies#they tried to half ass a conclusion for ken by setting him free of his romantic pining and giving him permission to just be ken but like#he's still homeless#he's still unskilled#he still lives in a world where he isn't accepted anywhere and is hated everywhere just because he's a ken#''actually inequality is good when we do it but we should be kinda nice to them too so they don't try to revolt again i guess''#i really liked the aesthetic i really liked the acting i really really love the inclusion of the real stuff#as in the Barbie things like the outfits by name and the specific barbies from specific lines#this movie was fine if you want to turn your brain off and watch someting pink its great#i did enjoy myself#i will be getting it and watching it again#again please don't send me anything explaining why you disagree#this is only so i could get my thoughts out there so i can hopefully think about them less#but i dont want a discussion people are allowed to disagree
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damnit I watched Broadchurch again and now I'm sad
#its kinda a comfort show because i've seen it so many times#but the end of season 2 just made me feel things today all of a sudden#broadchurch#like...hardy is all lost and lonely (“where to then sir?”)#and so many lives got fucked over#there is this hopeful moment of the latimers and millers at the beach but you just know they are all still broken#ugh my heart
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When somebody says they love him & show him that they mean it, he melts. Sebastian never thought he'd earn anybody that loved him, regardless of how broken he is... until you.
💓
#hogwarts legacy sebastian#sebastian sallow#hogwarts legacy#king of curses#slytherin#he deserves love too#boy is so broken that only a strong-hearted one can truly love him#he's worth all the love in the world for trying to help his sis#he chose to live... chose his freedom over the abuse he's suffered from.. so yes I will love him!#he wants to make things right in the end & that's what matters the most#love him for his honesty#love him for his hard work ethic#love him for enjoying books#love him for loving his sis so much that he gave himself for her#anne has the best brother & he's worthy of being loved#love him for caring about Ominis so much that he refuses to cast any curse upon him
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To be aware you might be trans but unwilling to do anything about it is to create endlessly bigger boxes within which to contain yourself. When you are a child, that box might encompass only yourself and your parents. By the time you are a gainfully employed adult, that box will contain multitudes, and the thought of disrupting it will grow ever more unthinkable. So you cease to think of yourself as a person on some level; you think not of what you want but what everybody expects from you. You do your best not to make waves, and you apologize, if only implicitly, for existing. You stop being real and start being a construct, and eventually, you decide the construct is just who you are, and you swaddle yourself up in it, and maybe you die there. There is still time until there isn’t.
This reading of TV Glow’s deliberately anticlimactic, noncathartic ending cuts against the transition narrative you typically see in movies and TV, in which a trans person self-accepts, transitions, and lives a happier life. Owen gets trapped in a space where he knows what he must do to live an authentic life but simply refuses to take those steps because, well, burying yourself alive is a terrifying thing to do. The transition narrative posits a trans existence as, effectively, a binary switch between “man” and “woman” that gets flipped one way or another, but to make our lives so binary is to miss how trans existences possess an inherent liminality.
Humans’ lives unfold in a constant state of becoming until death, but trans people are uniquely keyed in to what this means thanks to the simple fact of our identities. You can get lost in that liminality, too, forever trapped in a midnight realm of your own making, stuck between what you believe is true (I am a nice man with a good family and a good job, and I love my life) and what you know, deep in your most terrified heart of hearts, is real (I am a girl suffocating in a box).
And yet if you want to read the film as being about the dangerous allure of nostalgia, you’re not wrong. I Saw the TV Glow totally supports that interpretation, too! But in tempting you with that reading, the film creates a trap for cis viewers that will be all too familiar to trans viewers. Somewhere in the middle of Maddy’s story about The Pink Opaque being real, you will make a choice between “This kid has lost it!” and “No. Go with her, Owen,” and in asking you to make that choice, TV Glow is simulating the act of self-accepting a trans identity.
See, the grimmer read of the film’s ending truly is a nihilistic one. It leaves no hope, no potential for growth, no exit. Yet you must actively choose to read that ending as nihilistic. If you are cis and the end of I Saw the TV Glow left you with a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction, a weird but hard-to-pin-down feeling that something had broken, and a melancholy bordering on horror — congratulations, this movie gave you contact-high gender dysphoria.
In an infinite number of possible universes, there is at least one where I am still living “as a man,” embracing my fictionality, avoiding looking at how much more raw and real I feel when I “pretend” to be a woman. I think about that guy sometimes. I hope he’s okay.
Consider, then, my cis reader, that TV Glow is for both you and me, but it is maybe most of all for him. I hope he sees it. I hope he breaks down crying in the bathroom afterward. I hope he, after so many years locked inside himself, hears the promise of more life through the hiss of TV static.
Emily St. James, “I Saw the TV Glow’s Ending Is Full of Hope, If You Want It to Be,” Vulture. June 4, 2024.
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