#all I wanted was to vent and spend time with my bruh and instead I just waited around for you like a dumbass trying to distract myself

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[blushblushbear]

Scale, Seth and Haru husband headcanons pls?

ngl I think all 3 of these dudes would have a weird adjustment period to being husbands, though frankly I think Scale would maybe have the easiest time (well-- MAYBE Haru, but okay---)

Scale

I think the biggest change from boyfriend to husband is going to be him questioning if he should continue his assassin work

He's not going to set down his knives quickly or lightly but like----

he has a spouse now

he doesn't want them becoming a widow/widower

OR EVEN WORSE GETTING CAUGHT UP IN HIS BUSINESS??

bruh, he would DIE

I highly doubt he'd actually end up quitting but there WOULD be some changes around here

for starters--- he has a better divide between his personal and professional life

This is maybe me watching too much venture bros but I really do like the idea of Scale adopting a sort of on the clock/off the clock mentality ("That's my business-- but we're not at the office right now, ya see")

also he gets WAY more protective

your home is probably laced with all kinds of booby traps

and he DEFINITELY makes you run drills

like fire drills but instead of fire it's enemy assassins

Aside from the stuff pertaining to his career, he's actually a very sweet and loving husband

Not necessarily a 'I made a home cooked meal in my apron' every night kind of loving but more a 'I stopped by that place you like and got us dinner' type

also def kind of nerdy husband but less about magic or dnd and more about weapons and armor (though don't get it twisted, he'll get down hard on some dnd)

lots of quality time whenever he's home

lots of texts when he's away

lots of cuddles on the couch and falling asleep in each others arms

he knows your favorites and brings flowers when he's been gone for a while

you're his home <3

and frankly he's very protective of that home

Seth

okay honestly

Seth is probably the one who has to step up to being a proper husband the most

at the start he's definitely bad at this whole 'being a good husband thing'

but all it takes it you getting visibly frustrated with him a handful of times and he realizes he needs to up his game

his life is REALLY different now, but if he gets to spend it with you it's worth it

and for what it's worth he's actually really good at apologies

and also good about being sincere about them too, it's not just fluff to get him out of trouble

he's also very protective of you but he's not as 'DECLARATION OF HIS UNDYING LOVE AND PROTECTION AGAINST THE LIGHT OF THE MOON' as Scale is about everything

also is actually really good at listening to you vent/share work drama

also always offers to send your annoying co-workers to hell

you say no but the offer still stands

is only really good at barbecue and baking so anything too far past that you're gonna have to order in or cook for the night

also I don't know if he'd suggest this first but if the subject of having date night comes up he's actually really really about date night

likes to take you somewhere nice or fun or both

also will try to convince you to adopt a hellhound

this will be a forever conversation in your marriage, just letting you know now

Haru

so look

I'm not saying Haru would ever cheat on you

actually far from it

BUT I WILL SAY that going from a long ass life time of tom catting around every night to a committed long-term monogamous relationship is going to be a major life change for ANYONE

including Haru

that being said that's actually kinks you worked out early in your relationship

I do get the sense that Haru low key misses his old life a bit, but knowing you has changed him too much and he could just--- never go back ya know??

and frankly he wouldn't want to

but again that's like--- also stuff that was dealt with during boyfriend stage

actually honestly, once you're committed to each other, he legit doesn't see you as anything other than his mate

married or not his attachment is the same honestly

marriage isn't JUST a human thing but it's more of a you thing that a Haru thing

as far as he's concerned you two are as good as married already

all though who could pass up a party to show you off and celebrate your union???

so yeah-- you'll have to bring it up, but Haru is down to marry you right away

so I think with Haru, YOU'RE going to have to change your life the most due to marriage

he's kind of the leader of a whole group of people

he's not going to make you come live with them, but you ARE gonna have to at least be next door

that's gonna be the biggest marriage hurdle depending on who you are

though if push comes to shove he is willing to find a successor and run away with you

but low key please don't make him do that cause his people need him and he loves them and also he'd feel guilty about it FOREVER haha

but yeah past that married Haru is not much different from boyfriend Haru except he's a little bit more clingy/up front about pda etc cause HEY that's his SPOUSE, he's allowed

he also does REALLY LOVE calling you his spouse in front of anyone and everyone as many times as he can

[prodigal-explorer]

literally every time i get a discord notif my heart is exploding

i hate this i hate having to learn all these social rules and forgetting them and getting in trouble for every mistake

i get it i’m incompetent

but i’m so done with these environments where a mistake is a strike and three strikes you’re out. i’m so tired of having panic attacks every time i slip up. what happened to making a mistake, reversing the mistake as best you can, apologizing genuinely, and then moving on? why can’t that be a thing anymore??

i’m just so tired of being anxious all day over a mistake. it’s ruining my whole day. and the mistake was wholly my fault and i was stupid but i’m spending all day hating myself and waiting in suspense. it’s not sustainable.

honestly the only thing stopping me from deleting discord and leaving every single server right now is the commitments i made. i’m not leaving anyone hanging, but i seriously can’t fucking do this again. i’m just gonna stop fucking talking in these servers since i can’t stop screwing up and putting myself through HOURS of torment.

i don’t want to be afraid anymore, and i feel like discord has become such a fearful environment for me because everything always about rules and making sure there’s never any conflict ever.

i feel so lonely. and that’s why i turned to discord to begin with. i just want to have friends that understand how hard being a human is instead of punishing me super harshly for mistakes that i’m obviously sorry for. of course some mistakes are unforgivable and i’m not saying to excuse me from those. but i just want friends who aren’t holding their breaths and waiting for reasons to drop me. waiting for me to slip up. and i know most people aren’t like that. but i have to deal with those kinds of people a lot irl, and it’s SO HARD to read tone online so i just end up assuming it’s the same for online as well.

i always find myself groveling for every little thing i do wrong and it’s exhausting. i wish i didn’t care so much about what people think of me but i do.

i’m just stuck here in suspense waiting to hear if i got kicked out or not, or if everybody hates me or not. i’m SO TIRED OF THIS OH MY GOD. at this point i almost want to be kicked out so i don’t have to agonize over it anymore. the only thing keeping me from leaving is the fact that i made a commitment but jesus

i’m totally writing a vent fanfiction about this bruh 😭 you can’t tell me roman wouldn’t go through this spiral

[elysianslove]

cheering you up ; haikyuu boys

synopsis; different ways the haikyuu boys care for you and cheer you up when you’re sad

pairings; karasuno x reader, nekoma x reader, aoba johsai x reader, fukurodani x reader, shiratorizawa x reader, inarizaki x reader

genre; fluff

warnings; none probably a bunch of mistakes lmfao

note; i had to repost this like 3 times rip. anyways, im sorry for not adding inarizaki on my last one jbshds but they’re here now!!

karasuno ━━

sugawara koshi; i definitely think he's so in tune with you, and your emotions. he learns your cues very well, and knows every little thing about you that there is to learn. if you're having a bad day, he'll notice right away. he won't comment on it though. all he'll do is these little things to try to cheer you up, but it's going to be very subtle. he'll let u rest ur head on his shoulder, run his fingers through ur hair. he'll sneakily buy u ur favorite snack. doesn't bring anything up until you do. ends the day with cuddles and a chick flick.

sawamura daichi; he notices but he doesn't really know how to react. not because he doesn't know what to do, but because he doesn't want to trigger you or deepen your sadness in any way. he's very careful with you. if it's something throughout the day, he's very quiet and tender with you, just silently lets you rest your head against his chest and rubs your back/arm tenderly. as you're walking home he asks if you want to talk about it, and reminds you that it's good to, but it's also okay if you don't want to.

nishinoya yuu; not a single sad moment with mr noya here. seriously you cannot breathe. ok but in all honesty, when you're sad. he's sad. sends you memes, and you'll be laughing at them with tears streaming down your face because you don't really know what you're feeling anymore. he does a lot of tiktok trends with you, any of the couple ones. grabs your faces and ,,, smooch all over. until you have no choice but to laugh. if you want to cry even more, he'll watch the notebook and the vow a thousand times over, and be a sobbing mess next to you. just don't tell the guys okay? <3

kageyama tobio; he's so.   bad. at this please help him. like he can tell ur sad, bc he's v good at reading people. but like. what the fuck is he supposed to do. anyways. when u two get to be alone and he kinda notices how quiet you are, he just nudges you slightly, and pulls you to him. it's easier to talk to you, he's calmer, when he can't directly look at you. when he feels you start to shake in his arms, feels the wet tears down your cheeks as you start to sob in his arms, his heart kinda breaks. all he can do is hold you, but it's what you need. and he'll listen too, if that's what you need as well.

tsukishima kei; i think he notices, but doesn't bring it up at all. the way he goes about it is he'll tease you to try and bring a smile on your face. because this is tsukki, and you know him well enough, you know the truth behind his jabs, enough to appreciate them. if it doesn't work, he'll just start to make fun of people in front of you, pointing random people out with you and just being like "wanna bet on what's making their relationship fall apart" this sadist i stg. like suga, he subtly makes you feel better until you yourself approach him about whatever's upsetting. actually gives 10/10 advice bc he's v honest.

asahi azumane; he's so empathetic oh my god bruh. notices immediately. "baby what's got u so upset" w a big pout on his face and when u just mumble "nothin" so low he barely catches it and instead throw yourself into his arms, he gives you a big, certified asahi bear hug. doesn't leave your side at all. constantly mutters sweet nothings and encouragements. if you do the bare minimum like make it through class he'll meet you after and be all "im so proud of my pretty baby". cuddles all day. all night. he's not very good at advice but he is the best listener !!! so attentive and you'll feel a huge weight lifted.

tanaka ryunosuke; "aight who do i need to jump" type beat. u love him so much though. that one sentence and sentiment already has you feeling better. immediately hugs you so tight, borderline suffocating you. "wanna ditch school". 100% willing to do so. he doesn't really know whether to approach it with distracting you or facing the obstacle head-on, but he finds a middle ground. eats your feelings out with you. saeko pulls out the embarrassing ryu pictures and suddenly you don't know why you were ever sad.

hinata shoyo; is really oblivious for a bit tbh. when he first meets you at the start of the day and his hyperactive self is greeted by your duller, sadder self, he doesn't think much of it. it's when you don't react to him or interact with him the way you usually would that he starts to notice you being off. he's actually super straightforward about it, and approaches you with some of your favorite snack that he bribed ukai to give him for free and just "wanna tell me whats up, baby?" he's so, so easy to talk to. immediately you're venting. and he listens to intently, gives stupidly good advice. it's like such simple approaches to your problem but?? it works. anyways you love him.

yamaguchi tadashi; will be super worried about what he could do to make it better, and kinda just tries to feed you as much positive energy as he can. once he's comfortable with people, he becomes really chatty, so i see him talking your ear off with the biggest smile on his face that you have no choice but to kind of ? mimic it? he just radiates goodness and sweetness that it shifts your own energy. he on some witchcraft shit on god. anyways when he walks you home or something, he'll just stop for a min and avoid your eyes when he says "ik u dont feel the best, but i dont want you to have to hide that from me, okay?" stan tadashi <3

nekoma ━━

kuroo tetsurō; drops everything. i mean it. i genuinely think kuroo would be such a good boyfriend that he'll sense it and text u as ur getting ready for school and be like "are u sad i feel like ur sad". you dont really wanna worry him and you'll just reassure him ur fine but he's already at your front door in — not his school uniform. insists the two of you take the day off saying "its fine babe im super smart". you two will spend the whole day just simply existing, talking when needed, he listens to you if you vent, and tries to come up with as many options of solutions for you so you don't feel weighed down. he'll make sure you eat even if you don't have an appetite, and will try to make u do something productive bc in a lotta cases, it could help you feel a lil better yk :)

kozume kenma; i pretend i do not see it — kozume kenma (2020). jbwjwks im jk. he's like tsukki in the sense that he will never address it, and he doesn't outwardly approach you about it. if it's just an off day for you, and you also happen to not have school, you'll go over to his house, hoping to feel a little bit better when you see him. "can i have a kiss, sunshine" to which he responds "why." you just go "im sad" and he gives u a big smooch. he'll have you lay on his lap while he plays his games, occasionally just sneaking in a peak at you to make sure you're okay. he'll ask if you wanna play to get your mind off things for a while. eventually, when things wind down a bit, he'll just mutter "yk i love you, yeah?" and that lights up your world hehe

haiba lev; as soon as he notices you're sad he just ☹️. he picks out a small flower and as soon as he sees you, he just tucks it by your ear, and smile so brightly and youll just be like "oh my god lev please stop being so cute". he won't really know what to do tbh, but the way he's so lost makes it so heartwarming and it honestly cheers you up all on its own. he just. "would a kiss make it better" and if you nod he'll just start kissing all over your face so softly, until he finally kisses your lips. when he pulls away he asks "again?" with a cute smile and if you nod he'll just kiss you over and over again. very simple way of cheering you up, and very foolproof tbh.

yaku morisuke; i think throughout the day, he might pester you a little bit about telling him what was wrong, but after you keep insisting you're fine, he relents, and decides that maybe giving you your own time and space to open up to him is better. he tries not to act differently in that sense, but he finds himself being a little more soft spoken, and gentler with you. i just had this image flash in my brain of you resting your head on a desk, head turned to the right, and then yaku comes and sits to your right, putting his head on the desk and facing you. and just. "hi :)" your heart melts. he kisses your forehead softly and tells you you're wonderful, in case you've forgotten. if, or when, you do open up to him, he'll be very eager to listen, and ready to fight off whoever upset you.

yamamoto taketora; this man is angry. like properly. "who the FUCK put a frown on my baby's face. speak the fuck up. i won't hurt you. ill just mutilate you." if you tell him that it's no one, and that you're just upset, he'll be so confused but he'll just nod and be like "okay. okay. do you want a hug?" and he'll hug you so tight. he'll admit that he doesn't like seeing you like this, and that he'll do anything to make it better. at first he's very cautious, but then he just lightbulb moment and as soon as you get home he'll be like "karaoke night babyyyyy" and then. no more sad.

aoba johsai ━━

oikawa tōru; very. perceptive. he greets you normally, even if he notices something's off, because he won't want to worsen anything. you meet him right before he has practice after school, and he'll just cup your face, lifting them to brush at your hair, and you just sigh. "my baby's had a long day, yeah?" he'll be very gentle and careful with you, i'm sure. he gives you a kiss, smiling softly into it, and reassuring you that you're much too strong to let a single bad day destroy you like this. he meets you later that night with a lotta ice cream and you two just binge watch any reality show you could find, shit talking the actors together. he himself is terrible at talking about his feelings this dumbass >:( so he understands if you don't want to yk? will encourage u to vent it out though. expect terrible, makes no sense advice

iwaizumi hajime; he kinda like. gets mad? when you continue to be upset and not speak about it? he's not mad at you! he's just. mad. this is iwa okay. anyways. he won't bring it up mostly, only being slightly more affectionate, especially in his hand holding, which is super gentle already as it is. when he invites you over, that's when he actually starts to talk to you about it. he lets you know that there's nothing worse than seeing you like this and not knowing what to do, and that he wants you to be able to talk to him. about anything. even if you think it's stupid. he'll listen, and tell you that it's not stupid if it's making you upset. he cooks for you <33333 then bakes with you <33333 you feel a lot lighter at the end of the night tbh

hanamaki takahiro; (he's so annoying i love him). as soon as he sees you upset he makes it his mission throughout the day to cheer you up in any possible way. spams your phone while you're class with ten thousand wholesome memes. sends you pick up lines. when he meets you in between classes he just yells out "how's my favorite person in the entire world!" and kisses you so wholly in the middle of the school hallway lmfao. while he's walking you home, takes a longer route and purposely, he passes by your favorite store/bakery/ice cream parlor. buys u ur favorite, and pretends to be shocked when you give him a piece. late at night, he'll facetime you, wondering how you're feeling, asking if you needed to talk about it. whether you do or you don't, you two will fall asleep facetiming.

matsukawa issei; the minute he sees you he's like "whats wrong". no hi or anything. he has like this frown on his face, which seems off bc it's rare to see a frown on issei's face, and he just tucks your chin in his palm gently and stares at your pout. "you good, baby?" he can tell you're not, but he wants you to be able to tell him on your own. sticks by your side the entire day, and nobody really mentions it. he talks to you as if it were a normal day, but his voice has a softer edge. he's not distracting you, per se. he's more, talking to fill the space while giving you your own space to think. once you're alone, he'll just drag you to the nearest comfy surface, flop down, and pull you on top of him. if you even try to resist or ask whats going on he'll just "nap and cuddles first." and when u sleep a lil bit of ur sadness away, he'll just let you talk it out as he continues to hold you <333

fukurodani ━━

bokuto kōtarō; just as empathetic as asahi, if not more. he really does feel it all with you. yk sympathy pains that partners get when women get contractions? bokuto is that partner. with bokuto, i feel like he'd never make you feel like you couldn't just straight up text him "im sad" and feel bad about it. if you ever do that, he'll immediately call, not even bothering with a text. if he can't come over, he stays with you until you've cried your heart out and then laughing until you can't breathe. if he can go over, he smothers you with love. repeatedly says "you know i love you, yeah? you know how grateful i am for you?" and in between kisses "im so lucky. so, so lucky."

akaashi keiji; i feel like as soon as akaashi notices you're down, or you're slightly off, he just grabs your hand and squeezes, forcing you to stop spacing out and focus on him for a second. if you're with a lot of people around you, he'll lean close to you and ask if you wanna go home. he'll be so soft and gentle and understanding, making up some excuse on the spot on why the two of you have to leave. if you're alone, he'll grab your hand and kind of tug you towards him, silently asking you to come into his arms, where you yourself know you feel safest. as soon as you're in the comfort of your home together, he'll like run you a bath and slip into it with you, just holding you until the water grows cold and the droplets on your skin are from your own tears. he'll wait it out, just holding you as reassurance, then make sure nothing's stopping you from spilling everything to him.

konoha akinori; when he first notices, he kinda deflates. like. who would wanna see their s/o like that? his smile is gentler when he greets you, and he's so soft with you. he grabs a pen and lifts your palm up, quickly scribbling down in his unique handwriting "i love you :) <3" on your skin, whispering for you not to wash it off until the end of the day. it is weirdly motivating tbh. as soon as the two of you are alone, he says it to you, face to face, an expected look on his face as if to ask "you know that, yeah?". puts on a movie to tune out the rest of the world, and holds you close to him as it drags on. he'll give advice if you're asking for it, but he's a better listener than anything else.

shiratorizawa ━━

ushijima wakatoshi; does not notice. in all honesty, he expects you to approach him whenever you have an issue or if you're upset. he's kinda like ? so confused when you're so down and really unresponsive, until he starts to notice how touchy you are. like you're leaning more into his touch, holding onto his hand like it's your lifeline, stealing his vbc jacket because it smells like him. is very straightforward, and will just ask you if you're okay as he walks/drives you home. kinda just stops in front of your house and presses a kiss to your forehead, then pulling you into a hug. "please don't be upset." he won't tell you that it kills him, but you can sense the unsaid words. he urges you to keep his jacket when he notices how safe it makes you feel. greets you the next morning with a new cactus in a pot hehe.

semi eita; is very cuddly once he notices. you'll sit at a table in school and he'll be sitting next to you, but he just pulls you into him and lets you rest your head on his chest, mumbling softly into your hair "i know you're sad and it's okay." he doesn't say anything else, just holds you there with a few kisses in between until he has to let go. late at night, if your thoughts are still keeping you up, he'll be up too, worrying, and will text you at 3 am if u wanna sneak out to meet him. takes you to the park and lays on the grass with you, picking out stars and constellations in the sky, with a soft soundtrack playing from his phone next to the two of you. he makes you feel secure enough to be sad even if you have all the blessings in the world, and makes sure you know that he'll always be there for you, even at 3 in the morning.

satori tendō; cheers you up by making you forget literally everything. replaces the sadness in your brain with just pure serotonin in any way he can think of. he'll take you to an amusement park, get ice cream with you, take you to the carnival in town, to the park, to the beach, to the pool, take you up to his house's rooftop. literally anything. and then he'll say something like "life's too short to spend it being sad over anything, darling." he's so understanding, and if you're frustrated or something he'll tell you to let it out by like wrestling him or some shit. exhausts you so much and you're filled to the brim with dopamine. he makes sure you're always happy, never seeing a dull moment in your relationship with him.

goshiki tsutomu; freaks out. plain and simple lmfao. but once he like grounds himself, he just softly comes up to you and asks you if you wanna talk about it, or if there's anything he can do. if yes, he'll break his leg running to go do it. if no, he'll just sit with you in silence, leaning over to hold your hand, talking to you about volleyball and his aspirations and how well he's improving. he's better at distracting you than helping you face your issues, mainly because he stresses out about giving the wrong advice or somehow making you sadder. he'll take a lot of pictures of you together on snapchat random filters to try and cheer you up, then later on in the night he'll send them to you and be like "look how cute we are ugh what a power couple" i love this dorkhabsjsks

shirabu kenjirō; i think he definitely notices, but keeps it to himself. he’d maybe think he’s imagining things and that you’re okay, so he’d go about his day normally. he doesn’t see you after school, and that’s when he puts two and two together and realizes yeah maybe you are sad. so he texts you, and texts you, and texts you, and gets no reply, so he just. comes over. unannounced. uninvited. just straight vibes. he’s already ordered your favorite take out, and already settling in bed with you under the cover with the lights dimmed and some chick flick playing in the background. gives the b e s t advice because he’s so blunt. like he will tell you if you’re overreacting, but you’re still his s/o, so he’d like wince as he says it. that’s all the sympathy you’re getting <3 but his bluntness will shock you into laughing hehe

inarizaki ━━

miya atsumu; usually, with atsumu, you’re always experiencing loud days. your relationship is all fun and flirty and suave and cool. but when he notices you’re sad, he goes quiet. like. eerily so. immediately pulls you aside somewhere private if you’re at a public place like school or something, and with his hands in yours he asks you if you’re okay. yk that thing where ur on the verge of tears and someone asks you if you’re okay and you just burst. yeah <3. his heart absolutely breaks and he just pulls you into a hug, resting your head on his chest and wrapping his arms around your neck. he just holds you there, even if you’re missing class/your friends are worried. he’ll stay with you until your tears have dried up, until you yourself let go.

miya osamu; i don’t see osamu as someone that loves pda. i feel like he’d be a more lowkey kinda guy. but if you’re sad, that gets thrown out the window. he doesn’t really in the moment, and won’t think too much when he pulls you close to his side and just wraps an arm around your waist/shoulder. yeah he’ll get looks but he can feel you trembling and shaking from holding back tears so yk, priorities. he’ll definitely stress eat with you. takes you literally anywhere and feeds you as you rant to him with tears streaming down your face and he’s just nodding sympathetically as he stuffs your mouth one bite after the other. romance is beautiful

suna rinatarō; when he notices you’re sad, his first response is alright what the fuck who messed up. he immediately blames someone else, and if he’s right, he’ll only get really agitated. just giving everyone the side eye from where you can’t see as he walks the two of you, your hand in his tight. if it’s not someone specific, he’ll just hum thoughtfully and then nod, before pulling you away somewhere private and just sitting you down and saying “talk.” very, very good listener. i can’t stress this enough. as you’re speaking he’s already thinking of a million different ways to help you solve your problem. walks with you as he traces your hands and just quietly tells you all the solutions.

aran ojiro; oh my god as a boyfriend he ticks all the boxes. he’s great at communicating, always satisfies your needs, is trustworthy and trusts you. the list goes on. immediately knows when you’re off/sad, and just smiles softly as he takes your hand, kissing your knuckles and saying, “let’s go home, yeah?” at home, he makes you some calming tea, probably pulls out some cookies or brownies or biscuits (that HE made but we’re not gonna get into that) and just listens as you talk, whether it’s about why you’re sad or just in general. gives you honest advice, but also a lil biased bc he loves you hehe <3

[fuck-customers]

This might be a little vent-y and long, really sorry, but bruhs, I have had a NIGHT.

I just got scolded twice for 10 minutes by some rude, biased, entitled fuck because I asked (very politely!) if they could keep the noise down in their hotel room because they were disturbing their neighbors. Dude decided to not only accuse me of telling him how to raise his kids, but then apologize if he sounded defensive because he was only feeling protective because he (a large 6'-ish black man) felt threatened by me (a bony 5'6"-ish white woman) knocking on his door instead of calling, "You know, with how dangerous things are, you just don't know." BRO, you think I'M threatening? The huge, muscly white guy in the room next to you who made the original complaint was gonna be the one pounding on your door if you wake him or his family up one more time; I am HELPING you and using my best customer voice, all nice and gentle and shit because you fuckers demand to be coddled even when you're in the wrong, but you MIGHT do what I ask if I say "pretty please" nicely enough. In the second rant he gave me slightly later, he went on and on about how he might cancel the expensive event he was holding at one of our other hotels in his hometown due to this terrible treatment. Every time I offered to fix anything or get something he mentioned he needed, he refused and made a big deal of what an inconvenience it was that he would now have to take care of it himself (I STILL ended up getting everything he asked for, somehow, not one thank you to be had).

You do not get special privileges or treatment no matter how much money you spend with our brand OR because you want to try to make yourself sound like you were targeted for OTHER reasons you won't actually say to my face, especially because we both know it is absolute BS, you were just embarrassed. YOU woke up some other family TWICE, what, do THEIR kids not matter or them?? Is the money they paid for their room somehow not as good as yours?? All I asked was if you could lower the noise a little and now you're going to lie to my manager in the morning about how terribly I treated you and how mentally scarred I'm sure your kids are because a confrontational white lady knocked aggressively at your door at 1am. Yeah. Sure. It wouldn't have even been so bad and I wouldn't have cried normally, but OF COURSE I get this guy after putting one of my dogs to sleep just that afternoon. My weekend starts tomorrow; I figured I could just tough it out and deal and hide in the back office most of the night and, like, cry in bed for the next two days as much as I want. I was SO wrong. It's been people nonstop, not just this guy. When it finally calmed down around 3:30am, I went into the kitchen and sobbed for a little while, then it was back to work. I'm actually a little ashamed I let it get to me like that, but I'm glad I kept it together when he was in front of me, I hope he didn't notice I was shaking the entire time. I'm sure that asshole is real proud of himself, too. Disgusting. I hope he cancels that stupid event (it's actually real, that surprised me when I checked); I was having a terrible night to begin with, but no one deserves to have to deal with his entitled shit. Take your business and that attitude elsewhere.

Whew. Thanks for listening to my rant, I'mma go cry a little more and eat some (many) cookies.

[brytmoon]

i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

[retrorealeyes]

a rife with misspellings rant where i promise to be better @ the end ...and then i psychoanalyze myself lol (what did you expect)

ahhaha since we're all ranting about how much we're failures. Lemme join in. I just feel so awful in every aspect my life has been slowly detoriating. I basically hat emyself, though the hat eis not as bad as it was before (I thouhg I was better at least but it turns out i'm still subtly suicidal, just that when i feel better my mind forces me to forget that ever happened so I literally didn't even know until I looked at some notes I wrote), my life certainly is. (keep in mind there's one guy that is extempt to some of this) I keep distancing myself from my friends, I don't have people I regularly contact, I grow tired of texting people and just close myself off. I don't tel other irl people my issues, further scaring them away. I haven't been exercising for 4 months. I don't have any particular skills I cna boast of (or maybe I do, but I wouldn't anyway because who needs to tell people what they like). I haven't done anything all summer further detoriating my position. Every single interactionw ith my family I come out of being tired, and I'm always annoyed with them. I sleep 9-11 hours and yet it's not enough. I have basically all Fs in my classes because I distract myself and procrastinate on my homework because I don't have any motivation and supplement that time with useless entertainement. I'm not resposible with anything. And i'm tired just so tired. I was gonna say something else so i'll keep gong until i get it again. oh yeah-- and i am just so, so slow on everything. i'm gonna fail my grade and cry myself to sleep everynight because i can't get into college. And I barely do anything to beign wiht, just useless emotional nonsense I'm cutting myself off now. Cold turkey gonna do my hw this week, 7 days, then I'll be back. I know no one on tumblr cares, or will hold me accountable. I might go on discord (but i’ll time myself), tumblr if i need to vent (no liking, scrolling, or reblogging), and whatsapp, and instagram for just messaging (NO VIEWING STORIES AND it’s timed). And i’ll probably use spotify and YT for music but i’ll try to controla and limit that.  responding quickly or not at all; not checking servers on discord except for designnated times; NO watching videos on YT/tiktok or whatever; no scrolling twitter

I can’t think of what else I shoudl restrict-- my drawing time since i’m trying ot do school; not visiting any websites; not spending time on other unccesay things; gettin readyin the mornig; keeping my walks under 60 minutes; waking up when told to; belieing in my will power and not giving myself a boost before (except now, it’s a bad habit ik, ik sorry); no negative self talk; keeping my room clean; being positive to everyone; focusing during class; FOCUS ily 2 i’ll see nobody later but succesfful hw-done self. I know it’s 4 p.m. and my stomach is literally zooming in my torso, but i can do it.

no. i WILL doit. i was gonna say something else. oh yeah:

1) eat or whatever (10 minutes)

2) history ch. 24

3) history ch. 25

3) change and 10m walk (or 20) [ignore the repeat, i’m not good @ formaatting on tumblr so i numbered it by hand and i don’t have the will to fix it]

4) sit outside; write short story, brainstorm w/ notepad  (or phone) on walk

5) clean room

6) dig des thing anyway (1h @ most)

7) algebra video notes x3 (or 2)

8) message you know who + someone else, finish hannah’s card

9) algebra work x2-4

10) chem notes for 1h (try to finish all)

11) read frankenstein (+ do the other assignment)

12) @this point, probably sleep

13)  if not japanese notes 1h

14) english charts x2

15) close tabs maybe please??

16) Forensics hair lab

-to add this started because I was suppsoed to “love myself” but instead decided to a. completely ignore crush guy for uknown possibly angry self esteem realated reasons (? my emotions are unreasonable) b. hate myself again lol that’s pogs

-guys guys guys i’m gonna meet my (kinda sorta) best friend this Wednesday and by that point i’ll be a better person and i’ll get to talk to her about my crush and i’ll have improved by then and aaaaahhhhh I really am excited because being around her destresses me. bruh. why did i not meet up for this long (your bad hw guilt lololoollo criessss) and maybe i’ll come out ahhhh i love herrrrrr (platonically, i get to clarify because i’m bi)

-myy grandparents are yelling at each other :( good to know that i’ll have to go down to that (they think im not home) disturb them and eat. it’s also good to knwo their marriage is unhappy and htat’s what my parents will end up as and that’s what i’ll end up as (probably not, but i acutaly didn’t want to marry anybody for a while ebcause i didn’t want to end up w/some body like my dad) [”the good to know”s are sarcastic]

[bootyful-seventeen]

What did the rude model girl do?? Also 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Slight backstory just so you know what I’m in for. I’m in college for makeup and one thing I am really good at is keeping my makeup and tools clean. Like I will go above and beyond to make them look like they’re pretty much new so people will be like oh shit okay so she takes care of her shit and I’m in good hands. I got paired up with her by my teacher last week I think to practice doing lashes and lining lips. She asked if we could do it like she uses my makeup on my face and I use hers on her face and I’m like okay cool. We were fine until it got to the eyelashes cuz I hadn’t opened any of the lash containers and she started complaining about a dog hair getting stuck on the lashes. The vents in the class were on so that could be expected for it to blow off hair or dog fur. Like no big deal you can take it off with the tweezers. So she asks me if I’ve got dogs and I’m like yeah and she’s like oh ok cuz it’s kinda really disgusting how there’s a hair on it. Then she’s slathering on that glue like it’s guacamole and using the cotton side of the q tip to clean it off so when bits of cotton get stuck to the glue cuz wow glue is sticky, she’s like why the fuck is there so much fur on your lashes, like I don’t wanna sound mean but I’m never gonna work with you ever again even if the teacher pairs us up again while she’s basically gluing my right eye shut and I didn’t wanna start an argument in class and I’m like oh no sweetie it’s okay even tho I spotted dog or cat fur on her sweater too. And then after she’s done she’s like oh actually can you just use your makeup on my face like bruh wtf. Best part was that I never put lashes on anyone before and my teacher told me mine was great I just had to curl the lashes together so there’s no gaps left. Then when I got home I spent an hour trying to get the glue out of the hairs since she missed the band and I disinfected that shit while telling my friend about it and she’s like that’s fucking rude cuz I know you and you keep your shit very clean compared to most of our classmates plus the two or three girls in her class who DON’T wash their makeup brushes after using them on someone else’s face (and she’ll use it on herself too. The warning bell was when she showed up to my friends class with a cold sore the day after she did the makeup of a girl who had a cold sore so big yikes) and they use wet brushes that are haboring bacteria on someone’s face. So yeah I got fucking pissed at that chick when I got home cuz I looked at her brush roll and brush tub, and it was dirty as hell on the inside and the first thing we learned was to keep things clean EVERYWHERE so you don’t end up cross contamination the clean brushes with the dirty brushes. I just can’t wait until this semester is over and I hope to god I’m not stuck with her again

I would rather die then eat mint chocolate chip ice cream. It’s the nastiest mix of toothpaste and chocolate. They may be good on their own but certainly not together

I’m tired of bitches being like yOU DoN’T drInK CoFfeE?!?!? Like yes I don’t drink that shit cuz it tastes like dirt. And there’s other beverages too like whatever happened to drinking water omg

The foreign boys and girls are way cuter then local boys and girls. And they have really adorable accents too so that’s a sweet bonus

I don’t give a shit if I am 6 or 69, when I go to Laura secord ice cream shop I will get the super kid because that is a delicious ass flavour. Why do I gotta grow up and like only the boring flavours???? I want the colourful ice cream that reminds me of the happier times when I wasn’t surrounded by idiots and bills

Brother bear and Atlantis deserved better then this and a live action for Atlantis would be dope as fuuuuuuck

I wish I was a dog so I wouldn’t have to go to school and find work and instead I can spend all day eating, sleeping, getting affection and chasing my tail

[1112lw]

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so 

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s 

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears 

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so 

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so 

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb 

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so 

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget 

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked 

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so 

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep 

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically 

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if 

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY 

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old 

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so 

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no 

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal 

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee 

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school 

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official​ @ace-landofthesun​ @dorkalisious​ and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

[yvmoveon]

*Vent Post*

Work was busy. we were short staffed once again but my pts were all so nice but a lot of them were extremely sick though. I did try to spend time with them to learn more about them. It was interesting. So my first pt came with a fever and she thought she had covid but that wasn’t it. she has cancer but she’s taking care of her husband who has heart issues and she literally said, “i take care of my husband and then God takes care of me”. she was the sweetest, i discharged her and brought her downstairs cause i liked her so much and she kissed my hand and said that my spirit was pure and kind i was like pleaseeee 🥹

and then i had a patient who came in because he was going through alcohol withdrawal and was having chest pain. he told me his whole story of how and why he became an alcoholic. it’s sad. and to top it off, his wife is currently in the ICU fighting for her life. I kept reassuring him and he was so sweet he said every time i entered the room it calmed him. 🥺 I kept encouraging him throughout my shift. and he told me about his travels. he went to 40 cruises in his lifetime i was like bruh. and he was smart as heck too. 💀 He seemed so willing to quit I hope he does.

my other pt had cancer as well but she’s been fighting and on chemo for 8 years straight. i found her oxygen extremely low when i came in so i ended up putting on higher oxygen machines and she got better but she scared me man but she was sweet as well. she’s gonna be out on hospice tomorrow :/

And then lastly there was another pt who’s on hemodialysis and he’s been waiting for a kidney but then his heart got weaker so he had to get a AICD/pacemaker to be put back on the kidney transplant list and he was so sweet as well. he was telling me about his exciting life and his billionaire friend. 💀 it was funny cause i walked in once during the shift and he was on the phone and he was like hey how tall are you and i was like 5’7. so then he told the person on the phone if she’s 5’7 . so i was like whet why you telling your friend who is that. and he was like oh he just wants to know more about you because i told him you’re so beautiful. he said it nicely but i was like it’s my time to leave PEACE! and I was like bye and left 💀. lastly i had to transfuse blood to this woman man it was busy i’ve been trying to take more time to listen and learn about my patients instead of trying to get by and go go go. it definitely makes my shift more tolerable and my pts become kinder too. idk lol

[trashboiiz]

The End of the Honeymoon Phase (James x Reader) TW: Abuse

(A/N: Of course I can’t write anything happy so this is the end result. I know James would never act like this in reality but bruh, it’s a fic. Enjoy~)

You’ve never had a major argument with James. Usually you bicker over what movie to watch or what to eat but nothing actually important. You were still in your honeymoon phase, coming up with dumb nicknames and sneaking kisses whenever you could; it was a seemingly never-ending paradise. But a storm was coming.

For the past few weeks, Cow Chop has been keeping James busy, leaving him with little time for his channel and even less time for you. Because of the late nights, you usually end up hanging out at the warehouse, talking to whoever was still there. You’ve grown accustomed to watching the crew record dumb videos on the couch and their crazy antics. Though at night it’s pretty calm, since everyones tired from hours of filming.

Due to all the time you’ve spent at the warehouse, you’ve ended up becoming quite close with a few of them, especially Aleks. Both of you bonded over your awkward emo phase, laughing about the music you used to listen to and your awful haircuts. Of course you’ve spent more time talking to Asher and Anna since they spend most of their time editing instead of being in videos, but they’ve had to interrupt many of your discussions to continue working on videos. You’re not phased but that though; you connect more to Aleks on a personal level, anyways. He’s a good friend. A friend you’ve talked to about the new problems arising between you and James.

One night you’re at home, waiting for James to come back from an especially long day. He left early that morning to shoot the podcast and has spent the rest of the day filming BTS, gameplays, and editing. You look at the clock and see it’s already midnight. Sighing, you pick up the plate of food left out for James and put it in the fridge for when he comes back. You expected him to be home by now since he still had to record for his own channel; you guess it’ll be another late night for him.

His erratic schedule has started to worry you, not just because of the stress it puts on him, but because of the change in his mood. Small things have begun to annoy him, like your unconscious tapping on the steering wheel and when you forget to turn off the lights. You know it’s probably due to anxiety, but the consistent complains have begun to wear you down. Even with your own problems and issues to deal with you still try to help James. You get it, he has his own big channel and another one that he’s expected to put effort into, but it would be nice if he put effort into your relationship.

Your phone buzzes and you see Aleks’ name on the screen. You turn on the kettle to make some tea while you open his message.

James back yet?

You sigh, Not yet. Did he leave the office?

Yea, not so long ago

The kettle begins to whistle so you get up from the couch and pour the hot water into a mug. You take your tea back to the couch and plop down, seeing another text from Aleks.

You doing ok?

I’m fine, just getting a bit strained, ya know?

I keep trying to tell that idiot to go home earlier but he says he has to finish all his editing. I even tried to con Trevor into doing all his work but James cares too much for that boy.

I think everyone cares too much for Trevor, you chuckle

True. I’ll keep trying to calm him down and such. I guess you know how stressed he’s been.

Yeah…

You can talk to me if it gets to be too much. I’m both of your friends and I’m a master at fixing problems.

Sure you are ‘Aleks that sets everything on fire’ Marchant

Just because I’m a pyro doesn’t mean I can’t make people happy. Anyways, I’m driving home now. Let me know if you need anything Y/N.

Get home safe Aleks, talk to you later.

As you put down your phone you hear a car door slam and heavy footsteps reach the front door. The door swings open, revealing a disheveled and tired James. He drops his bag on the ground and heads straight for the kitchen, searching for food.

“Hi Y/N! Oh hi James! Nice to see you after such a long day!” You say sarcastically.

James only grunts and grabs the plate of food you prepared from the fridge. Sitting down at the kitchen table he shoves the food into his mouth while scrolling through twitter on his phone. You pick up your tea and walk over to him, putting your free hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off.

“Is everything okay James? You seem upset”.

“I’m fine” James snaps, quickly glaring at you before going back to twitter.

“You don’t seem fine” you say, sitting down across from him.

“God fucking dammit, Y/N. Are you going to turn this into a big thing? I’m fine.” His voice beginning to rise and the smell of alcohol wafting from his lips.

You’re taken aback. Why was James drinking, especially so late at night and when he had to drive home. Was he angry at you? You couldn’t remember if you said or did anything to make him mad, so you assumed it was just stress.

“Do you want me to do anything?” You ask, trying to diffuse the situation.

James slams his first on the table, scaring you.

“Stop fucking nagging me, Y/N. Try focusing on your life instead of mine for once!”

Although his mood was beginning to frighten you, it was also pissing you off. You could feel yourself becoming hot with anger, distracting you from your fear.

“What the fuck James? I know you’re stressed, I’m just trying to help out!” you snap.

“Maybe that’s what I don’t need, your goddamn help. Maybe I need less of you Y/N” James stands up, seething with rage, “All you do is complain about how busy I am and yell at me about how much work I’m doing”.

“I don’t yell at you!” You shout back, “and you’re the one that complains while I try to help you!”

“I complain? You text Aleks all the time whining about me,” Your mouth drops open, “you think I don’t know? I’m not a fucking idiot. ”

“I just vent to him sometimes!” You say, frustrated, “James I think you should just get some rest and sober up”.

“I’m not drunk! I’m as rational as I’ve ever been!” He throws his hands up in anger, “I’m pissed because I know you want to fuck Aleks”.

You have no idea where this is coming from; this accusation was completely out of the blue. How could James accuse you of wanting to cheat on him, with his best friend of all things. That thought has never even crossed your mind. James was all you wanted and needed, no one else could take his place.

“I-I…” You stammer.

“I bet that’s been your plan all along,” James walks over to you and sticks his finger in your face, “I bet you’ve been using me to get to Aleks. God knows how fucking lonely he is and you knew you could scoop him right up.”

Those words cut you deep. Your boyfriend, your best friend. Why…how could he think that?

“James I would never!” tears begin to stream down your face.

“Bullshit!” Enraged, James slaps the mug out of your hand, causing it to shatter on the floor, “You’re just like everyone else! Using me to get to know other people!”

You’ve never seen James so angry and you’re pretty sure no one else has either. You want to diffuse the situation but you have no idea what to do; you’re mind is spinning as fast as your heart is beating.  You flee to the couch, trying to distance yourself from the furious man that you couldn’t believe was your boyfriend.

“I’d never James,” you hiccup, “James I love you”

“Sure you do, Y/N. You probably fantasize about Aleks saying that to you. How it’d feel to have his lips against yours, holding your waist while slipping his tongue into his mouth. Not before long he’d have your clothes off and his cock up your-”

“James!” You interrupt, “Stop! He’s a friend! He’s just a friend! He’s never come on to me, James. He wouldn’t do that to you.”

Your tears turn into sobs that wrack your whole body.

“I’m so sick and tired of all these lies” James growls.

He storms over to you and grabs your wrists.

“You’re scaring me” you cry, “James, you’re hurting me”.

“You’re hurting me, Y/N, with all your lies and going behind my back.”

“James you’re drunk”

“I’m not!” He screams, causing you to fall backwards onto the couch.

You scramble to get up and rush to the door, James hot on your heels.

“Come back here!” He shouts as you run to your car.

You’re muted by your sobs and blinded by your tears. You speed out of the driveway, leaving James yelling in the distance. This was a first you’ve never wanted to experience. You’re limits have been reached with how much you could tolerate James. He’s been angry before but never like this; you didn’t even know he was capable of such anger, such fury. You replay the events in your head over and over until you reach a house with its lights on even though it’s past 1am. You quickly park your car and run up to the door, knocking furiously in the hopes you’re heard. The door swings open and a confused blonde man greets you.

“Y/N? What are you doing? Why are you here?”

You swing your arms around his neck and sob into his chest.

“Al-Aleks,” You choke out between breaths.

Aleks hurries you into his house and places a blanket on you as you sit on his couch. Sitting next to you, he places his arms around you, letting your tears stain his shirt. Neither of you speak for almost an hour, Aleks caressing you hair and rubbing your back as you let all your emotions pour out. He hums to calm you down, the vibrations soothe your beating heart. Soon you drift off into, you troubles and worries an issue for tomorrow.

[goawayimreadingbeach]

some Star Wars Rebels random stuff I was thinking about

But like what if in Star Wars rebels hera gets pregnant? Apparently they confirmed that Kanan and her are a thing and they’re my otp #spaceparents for life but like what if ??? How cool would that be ??? Like it never even occurred to me as a possibility until I just read a little tumblr post mentioning him making hera ice cream she had cravings for and I’m just like ???!!! But like DUDE THE CHARACTER GROWTH THAT COULD COME OUT OF IT?! First of all we’d have a little baby that was half human and half twilek which is already epic for interracial representation, but all the baby would be half Jedi and half badass pilot, anyways also Ezra could be like lowkey jealous at first because he was like kanans kid and main focus but now that this baby’s here he’s been second since the kid needs all the attention and well tbh Ezra is growing up but slowly he’d get over it and grow and caring for the child would help him mature but he and kanan would also struggle with the whole Jedi attachment thing to the baby and talk about it together and vent about being wary about how close they are growing to the baby and they’d both be there for each other to ensure they stay on the path of the light and rarely falter and maybe they could bring dark Ezra back one or two times before that because he could be really protective of the baby after he grows to love it but then dark Ezra is soothed by kanan as usual and everything gets a-okay and oMG CAN YOU JUST imagine zeb’s droopy kitty ears when hera says she has to do something with the baby instead of whatever zeb wanted to do with her like BRUH so he’d start spending more time with chopper and him and chopper could be all anti baby and jealous but there could be one episode where they have to stay and babysit it and they learn to like the kid and even come up with a cute nickname and inside joke or something uGH I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW And then we have Hera over here when she’s pregnant still being the best pilot ever and there could be funny moments where kanan is like him you want me to drive and she’s all I’m pregnant not dying I can handle myself and then she’d do some impossibly maneuver and kanan would just sit back like woah that woman is incredible ugh and CAN I JUST FORMALLY ASK THE PEOPLE AT SWR TO MAKE EZRA GO LOOKING FOR KANAN ONE NIGHT AND FIND HIM CUDDLED UP TO HERA SLEEPING IN HER ROOM AND THE BEST PART WOULD BE EZRA NOT EVEN TRYING TO LOOK FOR KANAN IN HIS ROOM AND GOING STRAIGHT TO HERAS BECAUSE HE KNOWWWWS AND WHEN HE SEES THEM SLEEPING HE IS TOTALLY CHILL AND JUST GOES ABOUT WHAT HE WAS THWRE TO DO OR SAY LIKE PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR ME Sabine though, I don’t know how she’d be with the baby? Like there are so many paths they could go with her to build her character in ways that represent current situations of women or feelings women can get about babies either positive or negative. She could either start looking at her life and her goals more and wondering where she stood on the whole family thing and come to realize that a baby really isn’t something she’d personally want for herself at any point and this could be the show expressing to women that it is okay not to want kids and doesn’t make you any less of a woman or some mean witch child-hater as so many other people can make them out to be. Or she could just be all baby? What is baby? What do I do with this human? And maybe she could be in that babysitting episode with zeb and chopper but instead of hating the baby she’s genuinely curious and making an effort to help her spacemom with the child care

Yeah that’s about it for now, just some random, poorly punctuated things I had to fangirl over and get off my chest. If you actually read that all the way through thank you lol you’re a true sport

Are any of these ideas something you’d like to see me write fanfiction about? I write mostly marvel on my writing acc (link in bio #spon) but I’ve been wondering if I should make a Star Wars specific blog for fanfics and fangirling. I’d like to hear the thoughts of literally ANYONE on this :)

[transformationattack]

It didn’t take long for Rude Cosmetics to get back to me about the claim I placed with customer service, a day in fact.

There wasn’t a need to mince words in my initial message, so I requested a refund for contaminated products.

Their response was wretched:

How can they, in good conscience, advise me to spend MORE money to replace items of subpar quality that THEY SENT to me? And who really believes that script was authentic enough to send to a customer?

I was so flabbergasted that I complained to my mom and had the perfect summary of their idiot business tactics: “How can they prove to me, the customer, that I can trust them again if they’re not willing to demonstrate that they’re trustworthy?” They really thought they had the privilege to convince me that it’s my responsibility to believe in them by taking a SECOND chance from my wallet to learn that receiving botched Products wouldn’t happen again. This is how businesses lose customers, people!

*Steps onto her soapbox* AND we the customer have the power to make or break these businesses. Don’t let them chump you for your money! If the product sucks, let them and everybody know then go to ALL the competitors *steps off of her soap box*

Keeping cordial, I explained I’m no fool and that none of this makes sense. Think the Esurance commercial, “That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works!”

It took Rude Cosmetics two days to get back to me and AT LEAST offer a refund (see below, I really should take time to pause instead of getting heated LOL!). Fine, I’ll take that and cross you off as a cosmetics brand that I’ll ever purchase from again. Then, I threw out the lip sleeping pack and lip color. City Refuse picked them up the same day LOL!

As I’m proofing this before publishing (legit vented alldis in a draft post in real-time prior to their “offer”), I JUST realized, I totally misunderstood what the hell I was agreeing to.  Why would I agree to a STORE CREDIT? LMAO! Ioneven like them! Kids, this is why you don’t continue an argument via email at 11:30 PM EST. *facepalm in chump*

I liken this whole ordeal with Rude Cosmetics to low-cost retailers like dollar stores. You know, the ones that are like everything is hella cheap so no refunds cause most likely its crap. Or, you’ll only get credit back (WHICH I DID! LMAO!) I’m sure that’s not the appearance they’re going for but that’s how I look at them now! And in NO WAY could I ever recommend them. I’ve already personally complained about them to two different people, and now you guys.

There are just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many beauty brands to choose from that I’ve had pleasant experiences with and that have authentic kbeauty products that I already enjoy AND are hella endorsed on social media platforms. There’s no need to waste any more time with Rude (There goes my store credit!).

If you’ve had nothing but pleasant experiences purchasing directly from Rude Cosmetics, then I’m glad. For me, they were legitimately rude for their treatment of a customer, someone who extends the store brand. In the end, I felt as if they wanted to take advantage of me.

I’m IN the field of business! Don’t lecture me on quality assurance. Bruh, there are hairs on the applicators! Anyone that buys a lip color or even a tube of Carmex can say that mess they tryin to pull ain’t right!

With that said they don’t deserve anymore mention on my blog. I’m not going to review the other kbeauty inspired item I purchased from them, let alone use that pitiful store credit. I’m just too pissed to even fathom it. For someone learning to love themselves, the hell I’mma EVER let Rude treat me like that again. And here I was optimistic by giving them a chance to rectify things. I was so looking forward to reviewing that lip sleeping pack. What a waste.  (｡-_ -｡)

If you’ve had good or bad experiences with Rude Cosmetics, lemme know in the comments so we can interact! And don’t forget to like this post and follow the blog.

Stay Fighting!

WTF?! #RudeCosmetics wanted me to pay to replace the contaminated products they sent me! Who does that?!

It didn’t take long for Rude Cosmetics to get back to me about the claim I placed with customer service, a day in fact.

WTF?! #RudeCosmetics wanted me to pay to replace the contaminated products they sent me! Who does that?! It didn't take long for Rude Cosmetics to get back to me about the claim I placed with customer service, a day in fact.

[flightykickback]

It didn’t take long for Rude Cosmetics to get back to me about the claim I placed with customer service, a day in fact.

There wasn’t a need to mince words in my initial message, so I requested a refund for contaminated products.

Their response was wretched:

How can they, in good conscience, advise me to spend MORE money to replace items of subpar quality that THEY SENT to me? And who really believes that script was authentic enough to send to a customer?

I was so flabbergasted that I complained to my mom and had the perfect summary of their idiot business tactics: “How can they prove to me, the customer, that I can trust them again if they’re not willing to demonstrate that they’re trustworthy?” They really thought they had the privilege to convince me that it’s my responsibility to believe in them by taking a SECOND chance from my wallet to learn that receiving botched Products wouldn’t happen again. This is how businesses lose customers, people!

*Steps onto her soapbox* AND we the customer have the power to make or break these businesses. Don’t let them chump you for your money! If the product sucks, let them and everybody know then go to ALL the competitors *steps off of her soap box*

Keeping cordial, I explained I’m no fool and that none of this makes sense. Think the Esurance commercial, “That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works!”

It took Rude Cosmetics two days to get back to me and AT LEAST offer a refund (see below, I really should take time to pause instead of getting heated LOL!). Fine, I’ll take that and cross you off as a cosmetics brand that I’ll ever purchase from again. Then, I threw out the lip sleeping pack and lip color. City Refuse picked them up the same day LOL!

As I’m proofing this before publishing (legit vented alldis in a draft post in real-time prior to their “offer”), I JUST realized, I totally misunderstood what the hell I was agreeing to.  Why would I agree to a STORE CREDIT? LMAO! Ioneven like them! Kids, this is why you don’t continue an argument via email at 11:30 PM EST. *facepalm in chump*

I liken this whole ordeal with Rude Cosmetics to low-cost retailers like dollar stores. You know, the ones that are like everything is hella cheap so no refunds cause most likely its crap. Or, you’ll only get credit back (WHICH I DID! LMAO!) I’m sure that’s not the appearance they’re going for but that’s how I look at them now! And in NO WAY could I ever recommend them. I’ve already personally complained about them to two different people, and now you guys.

There are just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many beauty brands to choose from that I’ve had pleasant experiences with and that have authentic kbeauty products that I already enjoy AND are hella endorsed on social media platforms. There’s no need to waste any more time with Rude (There goes my store credit!).

If you’ve had nothing but pleasant experiences purchasing directly from Rude Cosmetics, then I’m glad. For me, they were legitimately rude for their treatment of a customer, someone who extends the store brand. In the end, I felt as if they wanted to take advantage of me.

I’m IN the field of business! Don’t lecture me on quality assurance. Bruh, there are hairs on the applicators! Anyone that buys a lip color or even a tube of Carmex can say that mess they tryin to pull ain’t right!

With that said they don’t deserve anymore mention on my blog. I’m not going to review the other kbeauty inspired item I purchased from them, let alone use that pitiful store credit. I’m just too pissed to even fathom it. For someone learning to love themselves, the hell I’mma EVER let Rude treat me like that again. And here I was optimistic by giving them a chance to rectify things. I was so looking forward to reviewing that lip sleeping pack. What a waste.  (｡-_ -｡)

If you’ve had good or bad experiences with Rude Cosmetics, lemme know in the comments so we can interact! And don’t forget to like this post and follow the blog.

Stay Fighting!

WTF?! #RudeCosmetics wanted me to pay to replace the contaminated products they sent me! Who does that?! It didn't take long for Rude Cosmetics to get back to me about the claim I placed with customer service, a day in fact.

[da1rym1lk]

vent post

idk it just kinda feels shitty cause im not like allowed out or anything i dont rlyl get to hang with my friends forget that my best friend i cant hang out w her it’s either she comes to mine or i go to hers every so often and it;s repetitive and i mean i dont mind i enjoy any time we spend together but i get the feeling shes getting bored IM JUST GONNA GET REPLACED eusyfjvfgxuhfjvhfdiv so i was just talkin abt it last night n she just kinda went ‘’meh it’s cool’’ which is fine like yeah im glad i guess i justneed a bit more reassurance? anywya i just feel like im being replaced by everyone else i hung out w her on friday uring school at lunch and instead of it being us alone i was w her friend group which is alright n idk if i was just having a bad day or what but i just wanted to CRY n we were sat on tis table and there was an uneven number so i was sat in the corner without anyone opposite me n it just felt like oof, she doesn’t need me bruh (yes i KNOW it SOUNDS SO WEIRD) n i just like kinda spaced out a bit n she was like whats up and all but i said nothing but i just wanted to get up n leave bc i feel so out of place in everyone’s lives and the realisation of that hit me? n it’s not bc she has other friendshirjdfkg i just realised irl online everywhere im just so insignificant an it hit me at the time and i just realised again and now i want 2 cry i dont even know man things r so shit

[epibiotic]

I’ve had this damn blog since 2009 so I may as well use it once and a while to get some things off my tiddies. 

I feel like I’m coasting through life with no real direction these days. It’s strange, you know, thinking you have your life going the way you want it to then suddenly waking up one day and realising you really don’t. 

I’ve been having serious doubts about whether I want to actually become a teacher or not. While I honestly enjoy my placements, I don’t know if I’d be satisfied living it out as my career for the rest of my life. In the same breath, I have no idea what else I want to do as a career. I will finish my post graduate diploma, however who knows whether I’ll end up using it. I’m having a slight crisis about it but I guess we’ll just have to wait until I graduate to deal with that properly.

I haven’t been happy lately, either. My anxiety has been real bad recently and it’s been affecting me hard. I’ve also been having a lot of self-esteem issues which, for the most part, and probably surprisingly, haven’t hugely affected me before in the past. It’s probably a good thing, because its been motivating me in a way to try and lose some weight which, as a fat chick, is frankly pretty good. But it comes with it’s downfalls. My eternal struggle for recognising my own inner beauty (gross) has back-pedalled a bit, due to a few things which I’ll discuss later. I’ve been fat for as long as I can remember, I was never really huge though until after my dad got sick and consequently passed away. It had a massive affect on my mental health and lo and behold, I eat my feelings. In saying that though, my view about myself never changed. I still thought I was cute, and a cool person. Now I’m doubting that for the first time in my life and it’s hard to deal with. I’ll get my big girl pants on and deal with it eventually, but for now, it’s taking its toll.

On a more dumb note, even though it’s still making me unhappy, fuck boys lmao. Both metaphorically and literally. This is gonna be the long part of this post, so get ready.

Before I continue with this part, this is a message to the suspect in question who I know for a fact has a habit of stalking girl’s blog posts: I’m just venting bruh. I haven’t talked to anyone really about this, and I just wanna get my feelings off my chest somewhere that no one in particular is gonna read it. Don’t read into this too much, although you might. I can’t stop you, dude. Just know that I still value your friendship very highly. Just because I liked you a lot doesn’t stop us talking about dumb shit and sending each other stupid memes. Also, I swear to god if you break our snapchat streak, I’ll be pissed. So let’s continue, shall we? It’s gonna be long, so strap yourselves in.

For the first time in my adult life, I had a genuine crush on someone. He was someone who I’d known for about a year or so, he was just an acquaintance you could say, and I never really paid him much attention. In fact, when I first was introduced to him, I actually didn’t like him that much at all. Over time, we saw each other more often and interacted more, I warmed up to him and realised we actually had a lot in common. He became closer to my close group of friends as well, so I started seeing him more regularly. I have a ‘type’, believe it or not, and he falls straight into it, so it was dangerous from the start.

Now, before I go any further with this story, I want you to know that I have a habit of ‘falling’ for people that show any sort of interest in me. That being said, there’s a certain element of total awareness in this, and I brush it off easily. The number of times I’ve had ‘crushes’ on people I was casually hooking up with is too many to count. This didn’t happen here. I fell for this guy, hard, and I couldn’t brush it off for whatever reason. It felt different, it made me feel vulnerable, and I hated it.

There was a turning point where my vague interest developed into an actual crush, though. There was an incident where I was dumb and injured myself, and he looked after me in that moment. I don’t know what it was about that, but I think I saw a different side of him and it was the nail in the coffin. Him squeezing my hand as I bled profusely, and laughing together as he drove me to the doctor to get stitches - that probably had something to do with it. Alas, he had a girlfriend, so I shelved those emotions pretty quickly, although I still glanced at them from time to time. Ten or so months passed and as much as I’d tried to ignore them, they still existed and there was nothing I could do about it. Then, one day, somewhat out of the blue, he says to me, “I broke up with my girlfriend.” In my head, all I was thinking was, “Oh, shit.”

The feelings I’d had put on the shelf fell down and hit me on the head like a sack of shit. All of a sudden I didn’t feel guilty to feel the way I did, yet I still couldn’t do anything about it because frankly, I’m gutless when it comes to relationships and shit. Absolutely no way in hell was I going to approach him, nuh uh. Besides, he’d just come out of a long term relationship, I wouldn’t want to bother him just yet, right? At the same time, he was about to move away and I’d see him less regularly. I was conflicted, but because I’m a pussy, I did nothing about it and just wallowed in my own thoughts. As usual.

A month or so passes, he moves away. I don’t see him, we don’t really talk. I still like him.

The next time I see him, we’re at a Christmas function with friends, it’s also my birthday weekend. A lot of us haven’t seen each other in a while, and it’s a good night out. I spend the entire night confused as to whether these feelings are presenting themselves the way they are because I’m lonely and he’s just a good friend, or whether I genuinely like him. I remember getting home, and going to bed (at 9am, mind you. We party hard.) and crying because of how dumb I was being about the whole thing. 

Another month or so passes. Again, I don’t see him. We talk a little bit, but not a lot. I still like him.

The next time I see him, it’s Boxing Day and we’re having a get together at a friends house with our group of close friends. By this point, I’d kind of just given up hope of my feelings ever becoming anything, so I’d pushed them aside to just have a fun evening with my buds. Then I took a cap and that threw that idea out the window. Hello, police officers, I know you’re reading this, but I’m a very touchy feely person when I’m on MDMA. Combined with the fact I’d just gotten over a case of gastro, and the probably lethal amount of alcohol I consumed that night, it was a bad mix. It also didn’t help he was the one who made me drink all that alcohol thanks to a definitely rigged game of “shot pong” but, y’know. I remember laying on the trampoline, side by side, looking at the stars. I was royally fucked, and there was another girl on the tramp with us, but in that moment I just remember leaning into him, feeling comforted. This sounds creepy as fuck, doesn’t it? I’m not a stalker I swear. I also vaguely remember not wearing pants for a lot of the night, wading in a child’s paddling pool, having a trampoline spring catch my inner thigh, and me furiously cuddling my friends dog because no one else was awake to keep me company. So that’s probably a good indication of my state that night. We spent the morning hanging with our friends on the ye olde trampoline, trying with all our might to break the fucker. Trampoline status: still intact. Either way, I got home the next day and my top smelled like him and it made me so fucking annoyed because that night properly cemented the fact that, yep, you’re a fucking loser with a giant crush on a boy.

From this point on, we started talking a bit more regularly, for whatever reason. Maybe it was the fact that we’d shared an emotionally stressful game of beer pong, or maybe it was the fact that I think we might have actually kissed on Boxing Day - I literally can’t remember because I was that drunk but if you’re reading this and do remember, please tell me? I’d love to know, for my archives or whatever. Anyway. 

I think it’s mid-January by this point, and I’m still lingering in the “are you my friend, or am I madly obsessed with you” state of mind. We’d been talking pretty regularly, and it’d even gotten to the point where there was what I would call textbook ‘flirting’ between us. Not that this means much, as he’s just a naturally flirtatious person and I’m pretty cheeky when it comes to returning stuff like that, so whatever. Either way these exchanges obviously fuelled my emotions to the point where I couldn’t really attempt to ignore them anymore, so instead I was trying to deal with them. We’re talking one night, he’s out drinking with his friends and then he snaps me, “come pick me up.” I hesitate, but I’ve just had a red bull because I was studying so I’m zazzed to the gods and think, “sure, why not.” I go pick him and his friend up, take them to McDonald’s, do the full ‘designated driver is ashamed to know these drunken idiots’ routine. But the entire time, I’m not blind, it was a flirt fest. I dropped them home, and as soon as I left I distinctly remember saying, “Ah, shit.” in the car on the drive home. I’m a damn fool. He’s got me, and I don’t know what he wants from me, either.

It’s at this part of the story that things get interesting. It’s worth noting that I know I’m not the only girl he’s flirting with at this point. That’s just him. He’s the kind of person that is probably ‘seeing’ several girls at once, and that’s cool. You do you, just don’t lead me on too far. And that’s where things get hazy. Because, when you have feelings for someone, if you are lead on even just the slightest bit, your heart gets dragged further than where it should be. And that’s what happened to me here. You’ll see.

To cut an already long story slightly shorter, we talked a lot more, I eluded to the fact I like him every now and then, we flirt some more, then he said to me “we should go for a drink sometime.” Now, if I’m not mistaken, that to me means let’s go on a date, no? Maybe I misinterpreted this, but this is where I fell. I let my dumb feelings get in the way of being level-headed about it, and I fell. He came over to my house one night, we drink 1.5 litres of Vodka in about 2 hours. About halfway through the bottle, I kiss him. He kisses back. We make out to Adore by Amy Shark. I, filled with my liquid courage, tell him I like him. (I mean duh at this point but whatever.) But his response wasn’t “I like you too” or “but we’re just friends.” It was, “why?” This confuses me at first, because I myself am not even sure. We’re just very similar people, and anyone that can make me happy is a winner, I guess. The night progresses, we do more things, he walks in on me peeing and hands me a watermelon (???), we kiss some more, we go to my bedroom, stuff happens, he vomits in my shower because he drank too much, I sit on the side of the bath teasing him because he’s not pissfit as he’s naked, puking in the shower. I clean him up. We sleep. The next morning, we wake up, cuddle for a bit, he leaves. I’m paraphrasing here because I was still pretty drunk but as he leaves, he says the damning words that lead me to where I am now; “Don’t read into last night. We’re just friends, yeah?”

And then the trail goes cold. We still talk, but not like that. Much. We still flirt, and we still send each other suggestive snapchats every now and then. But it’s not like that. At least, I don’t think it is. And it kills me, because I still really like him as much as I try not to. I’d started to fall, and it’s hard to get yourself back up when you’ve already hanging off the edge of the cliff. And whats even worse is that he knows I like him, and I feel like he might be trying to use that to his advantage. But who knows at this point. As much as I like him, I want to let it go now. It’s been over a year I’ve wasted on this dumb crush. It’s not like it’s stopped me from getting dicked, but I’d like to stop thinking about him every damn time I do. Thanks, brain. 

At the end of all this, I still value him as a friend, and this whole thing has definitely brought us closer. I talk to him about stuff I would never talk to others about. I don’t know whether that’s healthy or not, but it happens. Something a bit traumatising happened to me the other week and he was the only one I spoke to about it, so I guess it’s nice we have trust in each other. I dunno what the moral of the story is here. I just needed to blurt out everything I’ve been going over in my head for the past fucking year, I guess. It’s made me sad, it’s made me happy, and it’s made me seriously doubt my worth as a person. Was I stupid to believe that anyone could actually like me in that way? Who knows, all I know it that I’m back on my way to being contently single again, and that my vibrator is still better than any man in the bedroom.

Once again, if you’re reading this, it’s too late. But seriously, don’t think that any of this changes our friendship. This is just me and my over-analytical brain fucking me over. It’s not you. I still don’t blame you for anything. I promise I’m not crazy, sometimes a girls just gotta vent, y’know? 

I just looked at my clock and I spent 2 hours writing that bit about the boy. Wow okay. Time for me to fuck off this website until I’m feeling sad and reflective again. Bye.

xo