#aimless ramble i dont know where i was going with all of this

[aimless-aimz]

okay. im not mad, but i’ve been trying to explain this on multiple occasions, and its frustrating. again, i MIGHT BE WRONG but i have read the overview of the kosa bill and this is NOT LIFE OR DEATH. for the love of fucknig GOD calm DOWN ABOUT THIS BILL. the internet will overexadurate everything. here is a list of what IS and what ISNT happening. of course, i dont support the bill, and PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION ANYWAYS, but i need you guys to stop worrying for five goddamn seconds and not listent to the 12 year olds on your tiktok fyp saying they’re taking the internet away.

first of all- in the bill, its said a child is defined by anyone under the age of 13. so, no 15 year olds on the internet are going to be affected MUCH. but, a minor is someone under the age of 17. i am unsure what this applies to.

second of all- yes. im pissed they’re restricting the things children can view, but you can turn off the features. the max settings are on by default, but you are able to turn them off. if its with a parents email, i dont know. but, you can TURN OFF THE SETTINGS.

and again, please i am not sure if this is all true, but my sources are listed, and if they are faulty, please let me know.

PLEASE STOP THE KOSA BILL. EVEN IF IT’S BEEN EXAGGURATED, IT WOULD BE BETTER TO STOP IT.

but, if we cant, its not the end of the world. we’ll get through this. i promise.

sources: (AGAIN, I AM NOT 100% SURE THESE ARE RELIABLE, THERE WILL BE CONTRIDICTIONS EVERYWHERE. IM JUST SAYING WHAT I’VE SEEN. NEVER TRUST EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET)

https://www.blumenthal.senate.gov/imo/media/doc/kids_online_safety_act_-_one_pager.pdf

https://www.blackburn.senate.gov/services/files/D89FC49B-0714-4124-B8B1-4F35A85F5E02

Guys!! The government is trying to push a law that will mass censorship the internet. It makes internet companies liable if a minor sees a “controversial topic”. But the so called “controversial topics” are anything about race, sexuality, gender, history, racism, slavery, abortion, gun information, gun control, everything! It will ban apps like Instagram, facebook, twitter, character ai, AO3, Wattpad, youtube, tiktok, even Tumblr! Your right for free speech on the internet will. Be. Lost! Your right to privacy will also be lost, they are requiring social media companies to tell parents of kids what they’re doing online. This can be very dangerous to kids in abusive households! It will out you to your parents! You’ll even have to upload your ID before posting! Over 40 senators AND the president of the United States supports this bill! I really need you guys to sign this petition and stop KOSA. Sign it, send it to your friends!!!

@i-dont-draw-stuff @imelht @a-pansexual-they-it @candiedapplez @aimless-aimz @jojo-schmo @sodastarpop @jsdimensions @locallesbianinyourarea please! Sign and share!

[jazzzzzzhands]

I am awake! i am living! i am FERAL! This litle update has me absolutely SPINNING Firstly just allow me to say that everything is just oh so so CUTE The costumes, the sprites, the 19 minute long audio, the COOKBOOK my beloved!! But anyways, theory time!! Well more like observations, thoughts and unhinged ramblings XD Gonna put it Down Below:

Speaking of that. First observation is the wording of Down Below We usually talk about waving up high! It is said so many times!

But now we finally have our official "As Above, So Below" My first thought on this is the theme of a stage, "As above the stage, down below the stage" But I truly dont think we have enough information to make a connection quite yet We know where "Down Below" is I wonder where "As Above" is? The second thing is the Wally Darling costume And the Eyes

I realize now that the Eyes are actually just holes and showing whatever is underneath, BUT I still can't help thinking that this was intentional! Perhaps it's some sort of Code? Afterall, his eyes are Black!

Now to get into the MEAT here: Spoilers if you have not found the secret audio! during the secret audio "Listen" The bug found on the transcript

Wally stares directly at the "eddie" apple as he eats the apple on the plate (I also just wanted a screenshot of the "eyes" in the BG)

and now… now i have theories hang on cause it involves the entire transcript that was said but not said in the transcript itself! (In fact, it says this part is not there!! but it IS) so i typed it out by ear (also ayoo we have a narrator!!) (also there is a lot of 4th wall breaking and quite a few neighbors seem to know that there is a show/that they are puppets) (but anyways!) ok but here is what is said in the story It is because this town is rumored to have visitors at night… Something from deep within the forest, far beyond the hills and mountains… No one knows what it wants or where it’s going, just that it is persistent.. Just that it arrives here. So many stories have risen about their origins… But I know what it is searching for. it is looking for neighbors who have stayed up past the daytime, to gobble them up whole that is why so few live here it moves through the streets at night, but it doesnt break into Homes However, on rare instances, it will find itself with an appetite unsatisfied by its aimless wanderings even the occasional unfortunate insect that has crossed its path, is not enough those who have lived through the nights say, it isn't quiet about it either they always say you can hear when it gets closer to you do you know what sound it makes? I hear it, every night. you can hear it too, if you listen especially if you wait next to your window First, there's rustling in the bushes Then, the scratching on the pavement, and the walls.. as it crawls up Finally, if you're quiet.. You can hear it's guttural sound ok ok so there seems to be a theme going on here and the theme is Hunger And also when the audio gets all garbled and skipping? I feel like it is saying..."Frankly" over and over? I could be overthinking, but it is what i hear!! it almost feels like Wally.. can't control his hunger he was supposed to be watching Barnaby's apple Barnaby even says "Don’t worry though, kid, there’s plenty’a other eats here! What’re you feelin’ hungry for, Wally?" and he is quick to draw attention away from wally, as he tends to do a LOT barnaby seems to Know a LOT about Wally, and thats why he sort of has to be his babysitter? I think that there could be a connection here I think Wally was HUNGRY, he was absolutely STARVING OR OR Maybe something else was Hungry? Home?? Whatever the black goo/mold is?? If something is controling Wally? His eyes are black, the Goo is black, the goo is coming from Home But also also [It sounds like Barnaby pats the camera.] Going back to my theory of wally being the camera/ the audience surrogate/his eyes are cameras This is fuel to my fire!! Oh and also the Wally Costume add to the motif of You being able to see through Wally's eyes. Of You and Wally being connected through his Eyes!! But at the end of the day, I think this update revolves around Eddie! This little bug on the rock is Purple! Which we know is Eddie's Color!

And just that that doodle looks like the bug that leads to the secret Audio where Eddie's apple is brought to the screen.. Leads me to feel like something forboding is going on for our poor, dear sweet Mailman! Which by the way, just another little Observation But Sally doesnt seem enthused by the fact that Eddie is a fellow Arts lover? and she just calls him "Mailman" rather than an affectionate longname like she does with everybody else But it does feel like Eddie is the Type to give his heart and soul to everyone, the shirt from his back, only for him to get left in the dirt u_u I'm noticing a trend of him being the neighborhood punching bag Eddie IS the mailman tho! So it only makes sense that he is the one delivering the letters to the WHRP. He is not the one writing them, he's just the delivery guy! But I think he could be being sent out at night When everyone else is asleep And I think something terrible may happen to him It's very dangerous to go out at night and This could be where Eddie is ripped in half/mangled Wally fixes him of course! (old theory but it does reference that) So is Wally just using Eddie to serve whatever purpose he is after? Eddie is a very compliant guy, he would do anything for anyone and if he can be put back together, where is the harm? I am starting to make connections! Stringing together the pieces! And once again, i'm getting the question of "Is Wally Evil?" And once again, I am answering with a solid "No" Do I think that he could be slightly morally askew? With the themes of "I must do what I need to do, no matter what happens" "I'm sorry, but this is how it must be" "The ends justifies the means" Possibly, maybe. Especially if it is to save his Neighbors, his World, his Home. Or, Just some of his actions are not his, he is a puppet afterall. Anyways anyways, this has been a very very long and rambly tangent. Hopefully there can be some sense made from this, I know that I can be a bit jumpy with my thoughts!! But these are my inputs for now!! Feel free to add on/correct me! (I know the one link is out of cannon date, but so was the Frankly picture, and it was made cannon, so take it with a grain of salt)

[banana-milk-enthusiast]

Clear Card arc is finally done woohooo.....

🌸 SPOILERS BEWARE 🌸

I dont like being negative about this, I really did try to love it. But sitting through 80 chapters over several years just for an ending like that almost feels like an insult.

At least we got more Sakura, Xiaolang, and the og cast because not much else was going for it.

Rambles below I guess

It just felt so aimless all the time, and it was driving me insane. Outside of Sakura and Xiaolang's romantic relationship, there was no growth whatsoever. No one really matured further or learned a lesson or developed their character.

Admittedly I never cared for Akiho from the jump because she felt like she was just a Sakura clone with no personality; and while that ended up being the point due to plot it actually made me dislike her even more. She was literally just a plot device at all times, but the manga acts like you should be endeared to her somehow. Her crush on Kaito also made me more annoyed than anything but thats to me personally.

Kaito annoyed me at the beginning, but as more of his actions were revealed, I started finding him really interesting. But his plan was kinda disappointing ngl, where is the drama??? I literally felt no urgency about the situation because he was so soft that there wasn't even a 1% doubt in my mind anyone would end up hurt. In the end he wasnt even really a final villain.

Just a failed opportunity to make an actual villain. Which now that i think about it is something cardcaptor does very often, and yet Kaito is still the least interesting of the bunch. How is Eriol the child more menacing of a rival character than a mage that masters time magic.

Also, why make Sakura create all those clear cards just to get rid of them at the end. I understand that most of them were redundant, but like it feels like a waste. I actually enjoyed how she used the weirdly specific cards to her advantage. So to just delete most of them sucks. She pretty much keeps Flight and the ones with matches from the Clow cards fused.

And I can't believe i sat through all of that just to toss in some Tsubasa stuff in the end. I like Tsubasa. In super small quantities. But I actually dont want it to bleed into Cardcaptor. that's what XXXHolic is for cmon. Fai's symbol in the magic books, Sakura mentioning passing the clow staff on one day, Syaoran learning to master time magic.... It's too much. Because the whole heritage thing in Tsubasa is easily my least favorite part. It's so unnecessarily convoluted for no reason. I was about to start my Tsubasa rant, let me stop.

It just felt like nothing had happened. 80 chapters of just weirdly convoluted plot with no expense or dire situations. Like idk how to explain how i feel.

But if I read 80 chapters and the only emotions I feel are Confusion and Cuteness (over Sakura and Syaoran); then it's actually really sad. What happened to drama and suspense. Or literally anything about the Hero's journey. Does CLAMP need to go back to english class/creative lit???

I've read a lot of CLAMP works okay. I would even say I'm a fan. But this is probably one of the most boring work they've made. It's not the worst, but honestly, close.

Now, this might just be my childhood rose colored glasses for the og. Or the fact I'm much more familiar with the anime than the manga, which I only read once. I know the anime made many changes, so for all I know, the og manga could've been the same in writing. But I really hope that should the anime return, it cleans up whatever that mess was because I felt like I was slowly going insane during Clear Card arc.

[1800duckhotline]

i love tisha so much he is so cool,, now i need the kuobakhaya ramble though.. if u dont mind..

(big sign pointing at me that says: he forgot to finish replying to this when he drafted it)

anyway

well well well.. so her backstory is currently being reworked on because i wanna do several background checks for my own peace of mind, but basically:

kuobakhaya syrgenovna kuschut comes from sakha, specifically yakutsk. long story short, she was born there, but her parents decided to move towards western russia when she was still a toddler with the intention of living in a different climate (i am still in the process of deciding whether or not bakhya had siblings or not) but later on in her life she moves on her own to brighton, england, in hopes of being on her own and also because her lifetime friendship with tisha (which basically makes them feel like brother and sister) could grant her a possibility to start a new life.

i used to have a very streamlined/long version of her biography but i've been reworking it in my head. the gist of it is that she's always been easily subjected to peer pressure, despite having a fairly assertive personality, bakhya desperately thrives off of being liked by others. similarly to tisha she became a drug addict in her early teens thanks to peer pressure, and has suffered from it for more than a decade, all while trying to get clean multiple times without success. she is a young woman in her current age of 28 years old, basically the same age as tisha, and at this moment in time she's been trying to quit drugs by going cold turkey on them (she used to do heroin) even knowing that it'd be pretty disastrous for her. the idea of going to rehab is scary to her, basically. (don't worry though she does go eventually)

in spite of a hardly manageable lifestyle, and while coping and dealing with mental illnesses among with eating disorders, she survived also thanks to four main passions of her: herbalism (which her mother taught her a lot about ever since she was a kid, and the knowledge of which she enriched by herself as an adult), poetry, romance (as in, the genre) and music. extra is dogs. shes a dog girl through and through, she used to have one as a child too.

she owns a plant/florist shop where she resells plants and grows her own as well, and for a fun spin sometimes she prepares seeds and fertilizers that are entirely handmade. how she can manage the costs of this place can be explained by tisha's hefty paychecks (killing for a job can bring you quite the bag) and the accumulated money she gains from being a shopkeeper herself. it's tough but she hangs on. kuobakhaya may not be the perfect person but she is also very spiteful and very very much stubborn, as well as a bit of a hater (good for her, with the things she's dealt with i can't blame her) and in spite of her nervousness she whip up some pretty stinging insults if she wants. she isn't afraid of acting and being friendly with complete strangers but she is more awkward when it comes to opening up. she also hates when people demean her and behave towards her as if she's an aimless child just because she seems, and is, nervous a lot of the time. she hates people infantilizing her like that and she's very vocal about it, also because she is still "almost 30 fucking years old" (her own words)

but she has obviously softer sides, such towards dogs, poetry, and children and well, plants.

bonus fact is that she doesn't trust people enough to tell them her real name all the time so she often introduces herself as "valya" which is a pseudonym most folk that aren't intimate friends of her address her as. it helps her feel a little safer and grants her an extra layer of anonymity sort of. it's also the name she signs her poetry with

[godginrai]

I don’t want to make a whole essay’s worth about it but I really do want to talk about how much Revue Starlight really surprised me. Especially one particular character.

I don’t know when or where I had heard of the series, though very likely it was a Touhou server. My only surface level knowledge was maybe two or three things: There’s some sort of theatre school, there’s action with some nice animation and elaborate costumes, and of course, there’s a girl named Daiba Nana with a whole banana motif going on.

Around the start of this year I had seen some acquaintances suddenly talking about it again with excitement and recommending it, so with the ongoing anime binge with me and a close friend at the time, I thought it’d be fun to try something neither of us had seen.

I don’t really feel the need to go into the play-by-play of how the first episode went for us beyond “what the fuck is with the giraffe. is any of this really happening” etc. But it certainly got us intrigued to continue.

What *really* got us though was in the third episode during Karen and Maya’s Revue. At one point Maya talks about every stage girl’s ambitions and desires to be top star. During this, it shows brief flashes of other characters and their weapons, some of which had yet to fight on-screen. One of them was Nana. However, it was only a brief flash of her sword handle and little else.

Me and my friend immediately began to read into this slightly ominous shot and wondered “Is Nana actually the strongest?” We quickly got another hint at the end of the episodes when we saw she was ranked 3rd overall in the auditions.

We then spent the rest of the anime’s first half super pumped and wanting to see what Banana’s deal was. 

And then of course, the end of episode 6, during the title card preview, which was just a screen of nothing but “Daiba Nana”. They really knew.

I’m not sure if I was ready. I don’t think I am even now.

This may be entirely subjective to call her this, but I’m willing to say that Daiba Nana is one of my favourite antagonists in anything I’ve seen.

I think what does it is the simple fact she’s a genuine loving and caring friend first, and antagonist second. There’s no tragic and lengthy backstory we’re shown or overtly informed of. Everything that drives her misguided methods is entirely shown and enforced through her genuinely kind and loving actions as a friend to everyone.

Her motivations can be and ultimately are selfish, but it’s so very easy to understand what brought her to them and why. Her crippling loneliness, excess attachment to friends, and extreme fear of change are thoroughly human and grounded emotions. I think just about any other person you’d ask has a point in their life they’d happily return to if possible. I know I sure do anyway.

And that’s what I have to ask myself. Would I do the same in her situation? There’s a high chance yes. Would I repeat it countless times like her at least? That much is hard to say. I think what helps her case is how mundane a thing it really was she wanted to preserve. It wasn’t some high stakes changing of fate or anything. It was just a lonely girl wanting to see her friends at their alleged happiest.

Then there’s the movie. Nana is definitely one of the most prominent characters in conveying the themes of following an established role and doing what the audience wants to see. Revue of Annihilation is more or less fanservice. She didn’t *have* to curbstomp her friends to make them stop and consider their place in things. Surely some words could have done the same, right? But that’s not what we want to see, I don’t think.

I still can’t get over the presentation of that scene. The sheer buildup in the transforming stage, the tense and rushing music, then the reveal of Nana staring down her friends as the sole opposition. Her calm, piercing eyes but with a casual tap of her foot to the beat. That whole revue embodies the cool factor of Nana’s ruthless fighting style when she’s in an antagonistic role. I fucking love it so much.

Then the Revue of Hunting. I don’t know what opinions are online about this and I don’t really need to know. From the first viewing I always took away from it as Nana still knee deep in her “villain” role of the film in order to test and push Junna to be more confident.

But the bigger thing I really like and personally take away from that is a further wake up call on Nana’s character. Having probably some of the darkest and most emotional moments of any revue, it really comes off to me as acknowledging Nana’s unhealthily obsessive behaviour over Junna in particular. And by the end both of the pair have to acknowledge they may not be the best for each other.

Nana is a deeply flawed individual. But it all comes from what’s also so kind and uplifting about her. Her strength as a fictional character, as an antagonist, is not that I merely sympathize with her, but empathize. Her motivation and what she wants to protect genuinely makes me want to cry when I think about it, but I am glad she had the strength, love and help needed to move on.

[chibisidesm8]

I think the only pirates AU's I have seen are centered around the twins, but I just imagine how nice would it be if Janus' scales were because being half merman! Or some other sea creature! A sea sneak?

True. Still interesting pirate AU ideas tho

I've been thinking about one too and idk if I should ramble about it here but I will anyway just cause I can.

Here's a ramble about a roceit+analogical Pirate AU:

So imagine a pirate AU with Janus being raised in a fishing town

He doesn't know anything about his origin other than his "aunt/uncle" adopted him and treated him like a son alongside their child Logan, so the two are like siblings to each other

Logan tells Janus all sorts of stories and legends of creatures of the sea

So they decide to study those together

Janus is always curious about where he's from and why he's half-reptile. His relatives don't know the answer

So fast forward, Logan and Janus are all grown up and are able to operate their family fishing ship

Janus is captain as he seems to have an affinity for the sea. Logan is his first mate

During a sail, Janus spots something on a rock, and secretly took a rowboat to get a closer look

He gets close and realizes it's another sailor who seems to have been lost at sea and was clinging to the rock

Janus rescues the sailor and takes him back on to their ship

Logan is all "Where have you been?! Who is this???"

They take the sailor back to their home to recover

Upon waking up, the sailor introduces himself as Roman. He doesn't recall much of where he came from but he knows he needs to go somewhere far across the horizon

Janus is theorizes that the place Roman is thinking about is a place where he may also find answers about himself as well

So that night, he asks Logan to go with him. Logan says if they do, they may as well be pirates

Janus is willing to take the risk. Their relatives don't stop them but instead wish them a safe journey in finding what they're looking for

So with their loyal crew, Logan, Janus, and Roman set sail

Roman is their navigator

During their voyage, Janus and Roman take a particular liking to one another as they're both trying to find answers about themselves

They have a few misadventures on other islands to resupply and all that

A crewmember is like "so are the Captain and Navigator dating?"

To which Logan responds with "the only people who don't know they're dating are Janus and Roman themselves"

Back to the action:

They suddenly encounter another ship containing more experienced pirates

They try to navigate to avoid each other

They manage to escape the first time but they take notice the ship now seems to be hunting them down

So soon, they're caught during one of their resupply stops:

Roman and a few crewmembers were out while Logan and Janus were thinking about what they've accomplished in their journey so far as they still haven't found any answers

The two get into an argument as Logan is getting frustrated by how they don't know where Roman is bringing them

"So what now? Are you going to make me choose between you two," asks Janus. Logan is silent but responds "No, I won't. But I just want you to rethink this voyage. Ask the question of where we're going and what are we really looking for? What are these answers you want?"

Janus enters deep thought but is interrupted when a crewmember bursts into the room, saying the ship was being overtaken by the pirates

Before the crewmember could return, they are interrupted by a pirate entering

This one had a purple motif, telling the siblings to surrender as their captain is waiting for them on the deck

Janus and Logan knew they were surrounded so they do

They're brought to the deck and a greenclad pirate greets them. They're shocked at his resemblance to Roman

He introduces himself as Captain Remus, and Bosun Virgil

Remus explains how frustrating it was the first time they got away that he just had to catch them for fun

Logan murmurs to Janus about how much Remus looked like Roman

Virgil, hearing the name, repeats the name. This catches Remus's attention, and his demeanor seemingly shifts from chill to hostile

With that reaction, Janus infers that Remus knows something about Roman and so in a voice of faux confidence goes "So you know Roman, too?"

"I did, once" Remus says as his glance briefly turns sullen, like he had a sort of regret, before going back to being serious. "I was going to let you live but...."

Janus starts panicking but that's when Roman and their remaining crew made themselves noticed that they were back

Remus is shocked, but moves to embrace Roman. He is apologizing a lot, holding him tight

Everyone else is stood around them. Virgil has a soft smile on his face

"What's going on? Who are you? Why are my friends tied up????" Roman asks.

Remus allows Janus, Logan, and their crew to be released and then explains to them that Roman and Remus are twins

Remus was Roman's first mate but during a battle against some mythical creature, Roman was thrown overboard and they couldn't find him, so Remus became captain

Remus explains they were heading to an island told in legends to be home to a sort of mystical siren who had answers to the deepest mysteries their heart wishes to know or could even grant a wish if one desperately wanted it

So they come to an agreement to journey together. Remus hopes the siren could restore Roman's memories, while Janus wanted answers to his origin

Janus convinces Logan that it would be worth it so now the ships set sail

Virgil and Logan come to find each other's thoughts to be relatable to their own (worries about their captains, the long aimless journeys, other pirate encounters, etc.), and some feelings may be developing between them

So through a long tough journey across the sea, they finally find the mystical island

So Janus, Logan, Roman, and Remus enter the caves while Virgil stands guard

They meet the siren named Patton, who seems to be very warm in welcoming them

He invites them to have a seat in his chamber. Logan is hesitant but Janus and Remus seem adamant about being friendly to keep the siren appeased, so they all do

When Patton asks what they came seeking for, Remus goes first and explains his regrets after Roman fell overboard and how happy he was when he found his brother again, and he wanted his brother back. Roman adds on with his side of feeling lost, not knowing where he was, and wanting to know who he once was again

Patton senses the truth in their wish and so he grants Roman his memories back

Next, Janus explains how he's been trying to find himself all his life: how much he wanted to know who he was and why he was the way he was

Patton is silent but explains they already used their wish and would have to find him again if they wanted another wish. Patton parts with the final question "Is that what your heart truly wants?"

The cave glow vanishes, leaving the group in the cave with their torchlight

Janus is angry but they don't have much time for that as they sense the island shaking

They all rush back to their ships. They make it back on time and the island vanishes

The group are left to discuss everything that happened

Janus is understandably upset. Roman apologizes to him like "I'm sorry, the wish should have been yours"

Janus looks at him, softly caressing Roman's face. He brings their heads closer, foreheads pressing. He couldn't bring himself to be mad at Roman

"I know I've been searching for it my whole life, but I can live with it. I know who I am now, I'm captain Janus [surname]. I braved the seas with you, my brother, and our crew by my side. And I am yours. I wouldn't want to change that." Janus declares, pressing his lips on Roman's

Bonus dialogue (marked with **):

**"Wait, they were dating????" Remus interrupts.

**"Well now there's three oblivious idiots," Logan replies, getting a chuckle from Virgil

**”I didn’t get to give him the ‘dont hurt my brother’ talk,” Remus pouted

So anyways, they set sail again. They already found answers, now they search for a new adventure

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

I FORGOT which mod said it but please tell me more about the egbert/crockers being greek thats such a good headcanon

THAT WAS ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS ME MODERATOR DAVID

i typed this out with bulletpoints thinking itd shorten my original aimless rambling but like. i. dont know if i made it better or worse

-mod dave

id probably have a completely different headcanon had i not noticed that the greek translation for “i can” is “ego boro”

“egbert” is now the americanized version of johns greek family name “egoboro”

what BETTER FUCKING NAME for the main protagonist of homestuck than something that translates into “I CAN”

in most aus i process jane and john having different dads so while john is completely greek janes half english cause crocker is her last name and thats a brand name 

betty crocker irl is owned by general mills, created by james ford bell, dude was english, yall know where tf this is going

john CAN and DOES speak the greek language, jane cannot

when he gets upset enough he starts yelling in greek and he doesnt even know hes yelling in greek

in a lot of my non-sburb aus i go all the way to say he was born in athens and was raised there til he was 7 and moved to washington where jane lived her whole life because Sibling Reasons

long story short if he starts slippin?? johns got an accent

JOHN WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU PRONOUNCE “GYRO” LIKE “JYE-ROH” ITS FUCKING “YEE-ROH”

jane calls them “guy-ros” but ONLY when she knows hes within earshot

john does not like it . her demise is imminent .

hes loud. like we obviously know how he speaks in canon when it comes to tone, theres not a lot of anger in his voice like there is karkats or as much happiness in his voice like there is feferis but LEMME TELL YALL WHEN IT COMES TO VOLUME???????????

like im italian and i cant tell yall the amount of times ive just been Regular Talking only for my friends to look me in the eyes and tell me I Am Apparently Screaming Every Word I Say

what im trying to say here is people have to remind john to use his inside voice and hes like “this is my inside voice”

if you drop something within a mile radius of his presence i promise you  he WILL yell “O P A” 

[koukoupepia]

i posted this on twitter but i might as well post this here too, somewhat aimless rambling about the destiny trio in kh3 and how it did them dirty under the cut. beware, its kind of long. kh3 spoilers, obviously

this isn't my thoughts on kh3 as a whole, its more of a kairi/destiny trio rant. this isnt entirely coherent either. god ok im sorry for all the kh3 talk but i dont know how long its going to take me to stop being pissed about what happened with kairi when for a long time they were building her up to be a character who Does Stuff now. she gets her keyblade in kh2! it was revealed she's be joining the 7 guardians in the ddd secret ending! she's talking to yen sid with riku at the end of 0.2! and when we were let down i saw people saying "well, what did you expect? it's square." like its not common knowledge kh doesnt have the best writing but i dont thing its unrealistic to have expected better than THAT. a cardboard cutout who got fridged for manpain. like kairi wasnt always the best character, certainly wasnt very well treated, but i cant believe that fucking kh2 treated her better than kh3 did.

anyway i keep thinking about how it makes me sad that the destiny trio is really not a trio, but also that their relationship progression... doesnt make a lot of sense. when info came out about kh3 having a theme of relationships changing, i wondered if they were actually going to be leaning away from the romance angle (still too much to ask for, but god.) i wondered if sora and kairi were going to realize they weren't as close as they used to be, since they have spent SO much time apart with no contact. and sora and riku continue to be very tight, because every game since kh2 has woven them together like the tightest knit sweater. i like the idea that sora & kairi have puppy crushes on each other in the early games - -in kh1 theyre very sweet. i wouldve been happy with canon sokai if their friendship continued to be as sweet as that. it's kind of interesting how in kh2, when sora sees sally and jack dancing, he imagines himself and kairi dancing together, but it's his current self and a younger kairi, because it's how he last remembers her. at that point he still feels closest to kairi and his relationship with riku is strained.

kh2 changes the dynamic when sora and riku finally reunite and they make up in a very healthy way (catch me crying about the scene on the dark margin, ive never seen two characters mend their relationship in a way that made me cry that much.) sora leaves the islands again, but the scene where kairi regifts the charm she made him after he gives it back is important because it shows that they both have faith that they'll continue to be friends no matter how far apart they are, and they'll find each other again. by Days you see the utter dedication that riku has to sora, he basically treats living a waking nightmare with the single goal to make sure sora wakes up safely as atonement. sora doesnt know the extent of this but you, the audience, do. the series REALLY emphasizes their relationship and their closeness and their dedication to each other, how they support each other in the ways they need. re:coded has the journal decide that riku was the best form to take to protect information about sora's journey. ddd shows riku as the only one fit to dive into sora's heart to wake him up. (and as of kh3 we know that dives to the heart exist in a place where the line between sleep and death is very thin -- aka, riku really risked his whole ass life AGAIN for a CHANCE to wake sora up.) when riku is told he passed the mark of mastery, sora is too busy being happy for him to feel sad for himself.

the relationship between riku and kairi.... is very minimal. but i think it's interesting that in kh1 when maleficent manipulates riku's feelings of jealousy to draw him further into the darkness, he thinks "oh god i have to get kairi. sora can't abandon her, too." i like that in kh2, kairi is able to tell that it's him immediately and she refuses to let him walk away without reuniting him without sora. in kh3 they dont interact at all, its weird as hell. it's like they dont know each other and kairi is sora's friend only.

i was disappointed at the minimal interaction between riku and sora in kh3, and i know that it's partially because this is the first game where their individual goals and motivations dont revolve around each other somehow (sora's goals in this game are all over the place in a bad way but that's a different post) but i was really hoping for a good chat and/or heartfelt moment between them like almost every other game has, since their relationship is probably the backbone of the series. one of the things that irked me about how they treated kairi is that sora actually thinks about riku on multiple occasions throughout the game and wants to talk to him, and the part where he thinks about how riku thought he had to push him away to protect him re: elsa was an "oh shit they really did go there" moment for me. on the other hand sora did not think of or mention kairi even once before their first conversation -- they didnt even have him wonder how she was doing, or wish he could call her, or have anything remind him of her. between the end of kh2 and ddd he and kairi dont interact or contact each other once, because nomura only cares to stick kairi where she can be a romantic prize for sora and doesnt treat her like theyre actually friends.

then the actual first scene they have together is so damn jarring. this was 24 hours into my playthrough of a game that took me ~30 hours to complete. theyre on their usual spot on the paopu tree, kairi points out that riku is by himself, which is not ooc for riku, but when they have her use that moment to pull out a paopu fruit and go "heysoraiwannabetogetherforeversoletssharethese" my reaction was "where did this come from suddenly and why is it happening so fast." theres NO buildup to this scene whatsoever. and then sora's attitude completely changes after that in a really weird way, like kairi is suddenly the Thing That Matters Most when he's never ever acted like one friend meant more to him than another. nomura if you revisited your damn games you'd know sora loves everyone intensely and indiscriminately. when everyone fucking "dies" in front of sora and he's following a light that he calls riku's name to and it turns out to be! surprise! it's kairi for some reason! when i think about it, it hurts a little but i don't know why. i like that she did actually find a way to protect him, but i dont like that it had to be this weird deus ex machina that has no explanation (is this part of kairi's unexplained powers? is this just a plot device?? who knows.)

dont FUCKING get me started on xemnas kidnapping kairi in front of sora and xehanort killing her in front of him in a scene that reduced my enjoyment of the game by a solid 25% because it's BULLSHIT and FRIDGING WOMEN FOR MANPAIN IS SO ORIGINAL AND NOT CHOCK-FULL O' MISOGYNY.

sora saying kairi's the reason for his whole journey is blatantly not true (ATTENTION NOMURA REVISIT YOUR FUCKING WRITING) so he should go look for her alone while riku is standing right fucking there and riku just. lets him go??? like kairi's not his friend too??? what the fuck??? the last scene where it pans up the paopu tree to kairi and sora holding hands and sora fades away while everyone else, including riku, is just having a good time???? what the fuck???? you know sora /would/ drop everything to go save a friend but i dont like that suddenly he acts like kairi outweighs every other person in his life simply because theres some romantic interest there. with someone he was never written to have an actual relationship with. in a game about friendship. and like, shipping aside, sora and riku have one of the most SOLID friendships ive seen in any media and riku just gets ejected out of his own damn trio because of a hamfisted romance AAAAA

in conclusion: Not My Destiny Trio

[gayspock]

me: anyway im gonna stop ranting about doctor who

me: but also here’s my latest ramble

each time ive tried ranting about some of these more recent instalments (”recent” - s7 onwards,which isnt but listen) of new who, ive deleted them and screamed because i’d end up following extremely long, convoluted tangents - ones even too convoluted for, like, me rambling under a read more. see, the thing is?? everything is so.. interwoven- the faults, feeding into other faults- and its HARD to describe why its so . Eh! sometimes because for one, im awful with words and for two there’s a lot, but also barely anything, and i think thats actually a good description in of itself with whats wrong???

LIKE personally ithink... mid season 6 is perhaps the place where i think it starts going downhill. perhaps thats just because i loathe A Good Man goes to War because its the beginning of just that. what could have been a momentous episode ultimately fell flat, through sloppiness. honestly, i think that would have been an epic climax just there, for all the reasons the end of s4 was - all of the experiences the doctor went through, finally being reaped, as all people he’s saved and befriended come back to help him  and the whole thing SHOULD coalesce beautifullu but instead it had so many fallbacks. like.... jenny/strax/vastra who i all adore as a dynamic, and want more of, but they dont makeSENSE to appear as mains - not when the doctor has 6 seasons (+26 more, if you really reached) of actual content to draw from. why would you bring in characters we have no emotional connection with? as fodder would be fine, but to have them... be centre stage was so weird and its LITTLE things like that and in the very way the grandiosity COULD have coalesced in that episode, instead its the absolute opposite in all these tiny details seem to band together and drag it down. 

insteadthe execution feels increasingly hollow, and stale and i think thats, like, very much a signature fault of moffats writing (other than the sleazebag perv undertones, lmao) because he keeps doingthis thing where hes so overly ambitious with doctor who - and the nature of the show is somemthing i could ramlble aimlessly about, and get nowher in another read more somewhere, just like ia m now, but LISTEN!!! liek doctorwho is s- AND I HAD TO BACKSPACE EVERYTHING I WROTE, because this keeps devolving into that aforementioned, aimless rant about the nature of who but LISTEN. 

point is, moffat attempts to create a masterpiece with that just in mind. you know, like, when that happens? i hate trying to knock on ppl bc i realise this is a statement in reference to many ppl- andsorry, like. tbh i dont care how ppl write for the most part, bc they caan Do their thing but sometimes llike.... YOU KNOW those people who sometimes write, and theyre oh so fixated on the product rather than actually telling a narrative? RPing (since, like, RPing when i was 10) wise, ive met many people who, when constructing a characters backstory, would try to make “the angsiest, most heartbreaking, SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD :’’(”  and rather than focussing on the actual narrative, they’d fixate on that?????  like moffat... DOES that. he tries to make something extremely clever; he sits himself down, and he thinks WHATS GOING TO REALLY, REALLY SHOCK PEOPLE? perhaps that works for people- but the whole reverse engineering from the effect i want, and working backwards sometimes, often, loses sight of itself, and  all the potential of wht COULD have been an awesome narrative is... AGAIN, HOLLOW? because somewhere along the line, he forgot to...actually write the story, and to give us something to feel for and to be wowed by and instead made it more his mission to tangle up a ball of messy plot-string to make us go WOW! :3 and even that . just falls FLAT in the end 

s7 clara the-impossible-giirl is the epitome of jsut that- a character who exists to serve that eventual payoff, except it isnt much of a payoff when she makes the sacrifice to save everything because they ... REALLY DID just forget to give her a personality and her life outside the tardis- like.. THE FACT THEY DIDNT SHOW THAT SHE WAS A TEACHER UNTIL S8 WAS SO, SO FUCKING WILD. really wild. she just needed something- more motivation- a purpose  for her to exist other tha the fact [jazz hands] SHE’S AN ENIGGMAAAA, BABEY! which really wasnt helped at all by the fact she has NO chemistry with smith

and clara.... well, in my opinion she improves?? over time, until the end at least. like she was BETTER with capaldi, in my opinion, as they had more of a... relationshpthat complimented each other and a dynamic that was far more refeshing and something newer but also very reminiscent of old who with the SACE GRANDAD kinda energy going on but also  her bringing him down when he was Like That, and him bringing her down when she was Like That- and season 9, where she tries becoming the doctor is something else i would REALLY enjoy (untl they ruined it) but still there was still always that element of quite missing the mark, because things were still off the mar but i dont think AS bad-i think s7 was the peak of everythings a fucking mess and s8&s9 are variable and i think i have to go into both of those? to really pick them apart, becase like...

speaking to s8, seeing more insight into clara’s actual.. YOU KNOW... LIFE and who she is as a teacher is a lot better and a lot of the time i just try to ignore the fact s7 even happened(because her existence... as a nanny... i cant remember if that EVER even comes babck up again, or if the fucking FAMILY SHE LIVED WITH FOR A YEAR EVEN MATTERS ANY MORE??? BECAUSE IT JUST- i think whats the worst about her (speaking as a whole) is the inconsistency, and she suddenly just BECOMES a teacher in s8 and thats now a big thing i guess??? what would have made more sense, would be if she was introduced as that in s7- and i think it would hve been beneficial then, too, and would have given her more depth then but instead it feels like theey just cobbled it together in s8 when they realised “god we didnt think about this!!” and the whole danny pink... thing. yoou know?personally, i believe i’d quite like the danny/clara conundrum a lot more if perhaps? instead of having them, UH, YOU KNOW!! just meet there and then in s8 and then him suddenly becoming her whole life, like- it wouldd have been.... easier if they were already dating in s7??? which would have mde her devotion to him all he more ... realistic. what i was thinking was perhaps she’s instead whisked away from him in s7, and then cmes back in s8 and he’s. also MORE in focus? like i think he was cclose to actually being a good facet of the show, and i like the conflict and conversation between both him and the doctor- him forcing the doctor to, like, wake the fuck up about some shit- but i think it would have been more effective if he had a greater present and came along once or twie into more episodes and then maybe it would have felt like his death was also. a loss and not just a plot device you know and - IM RAMBLING HERE IM SORRY IM LSOJGN STEAM AND IM JUST MAD BUT I THINK. LISTEN.

S9. I NEED TO RAMBLE ABOUT S9 TOMORROW WHEN IM NOT DEAD BC THATS WHAT THIS STARTED OFF OUT AND SPOILE RALERT I LIKE WHAT S9 WAS TRYING TO DO BUT I PERSONALLY THINK THE WHOLE THING SHOULD HAVE BEEN RESTRUCTURED, AND-

[cuteandtwisted]

Hi Wiss. I'm just here to talk. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.. why am I still alive? Why am i still breathing? Why am i still on this fucking earth? Everyone hates me. I dont fit here. People tell me that im just a lazy person. For the longest time i knew it was depression but now im starting to believe them. Im just a lazy piece of shit. Even parents said they dont want me. Why am i still here? Why isnt death coming to me? Why are people who want to live dying instead of me?

(2) And no. I dont have a purpose in life. Im just a dead corspe lying around. I havent acheieved anything in life. Nobody loves me and never will. Not even my birth givers. They dont want me. It would be so better for them if i just died. They wpuld have such a better life. They wont have to waste money on me, they wont have to see me lying around like a lazy person all the time. They will be happier. So why am i not dead yet(3) The reason why im telling you this is because i have no one. No one. And because i like you. I spend losing myself into your fictions because thats the only place where people get happy endings. Real life is a constant pain and people like me dont get happy endings. I want to fucking die

Hello. First of all, i want you to know that there are people who can listen to you and help you if you’re currently feeling in distress or having thoughts about harming yourself. I don’t know where you are in the world, but please reach out to someone in your immediate environment or to a hotline specific to your location. There are many many resources online one click away and you can seek help if you’re feeling helpless my darling. I would post specific links but I wouldn’t want to upset you or perhaps trigger you further. But i will do so in the notes if you want to check them out.Second, I hear you and I can feel the pain and anger in your words. Your suffering is valid and you are not lazy. Depression can be crippling both mentally and physically. You are not “just lazy”. Don’t let those thoughts into your head. Don’t give in. You are stronger than you think.Life might seem a bit vain when we take a step back. Why are we alive? What makes us get up in the morning and do things? It all defers from one person to the next, but there’s no right or absolute answer. There’s no magic formula. We put so much pressure on ourselves to have’ oals and aspirations and forget to live.I can’t claim to know what it feels like to be unloved by my family, although I doubt your parents would wish death upon you my dear. No one, absolutely NO ONE would be happy if you died, believe me. I fight with my parents like any other person but they are part of why I wake up every morning and do what I do. It’s true. Hurting myself would absolutely destroy them. But it’s not the sole reason I value my life. This year, for the first time ever, I sent an e-mail asking for a day off upon waking up. Why? Because I had absolutely no will to get up. None whatsoever. I questioned everything. Why do I bother? Why am I here? What the hell? It was so refreshing to just allow myself to bask in my misery and aimlessness for a whole day. The achievement of desire, and essay by Richard Rodriguez might resonate with you.As I look at my own life, I realize that I’m rather successful but I don’t really love what I do. It’s not something that makes me want to get up in the morning. I haven’t found love, my heart being too worn out to give anyone a shot. But I chose to not make either of those things a “goal” or a reason for me to get up in the morning. Because when you put so much emphasis on things that are a bit out of your own control, you set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak. And losing sight of why you get up in the morning can become so incredibly easy.So why should you live? I don’t know. Maybe because the sun rises in the morning? Maybe because darkness and twilight eventually fade and make room for simple light? It can be a slippery slope, as I often feel down when it’s grey outside or when days are shorter – downside of making your life and happiness literally revolve around the sun. You could live because of how good coffee smells in the morning, or tea, or anything you really enjoy smelling. You could live because you’re looking forward to a TV show or a movie of a book. You could live because – in my case – life keeps throwing you lemons and you really want to make lemonade and prove it wrong. You could live because you set yourself small short-term goals – go to the supermarket this week, get a haircut, write 500 words, do the dishes, walk for an hour – and you thrive off of crossing them off your list. Goals can me motivating but also absolutely disheartening when you focus on abstract things such as “happiness”, “success”, “love”, “being liked”. This is why so many of us are struggling to be happy nowadays, because we put too much pressure on ourselves to feel happy and grand all the time. We don’t have to. We should be allowed to spend a weekend alone and cry for absolutely no reason.I’m rambling here but I want you to know that I hear you. Your pain is valid and it is not laziness. Start small then grow big when you feel comfortable. Your purpose in life doesn’t have to be “be successful” for now. It could just be “take a walk and clear my mind”.Good luck to you my dear. And feel free to come off anon if you just want to let it off your chest. Sometimes it’s just cathartic to put all of it into words, with names and places and details and a shit ton of feelings. Big hugs to you.

[lunarnclipse]

Mai & Joey Short Story - Yugioh

I wanted to write something, and for some reason my mind was on the complex and hardly touched on relationship between Mai and Joey. I didn’t know where this story was going and it turned out to be quite sad. Anyways, here’s a random chunk of a fanfiction~~~

____________________________________________________________

Christmas in New York City has always been Mai's favorite setting, no matter how much she vocally detests the looping of Christmas music and the hoards of mindless consuming sheep; the fresh fallen snow and holly wrapped street lights always struck a nostalgic chord with her. Strolling through the wealthy streets, her footsteps perpendicular with luxury cars and three story stone homes; the atmosphere was a lot more serene than the neighborhood she originally grew up in. The windows glowed warm and gold and the Christmas tree lights winked at her as she walked past; the street was silent as snow flakes drifted lazily under the street lamps. The only sound that could be heard was the clicking of her tall high heeled boots and the sudden buzzing of her cell phone in her leather jacket pocket.

"Hey" was the single text that glowed at her, sent from a nameless number. She quickly stuffed it back into her pocket, ignoring the area code as she approached her home; absent of Christmas lights or warm glowing windows. The insides were dark and void of any pictures and any holiday decor. Even though the home was a warm welcome on her chilled skin, it was cold and empty. Mai shut the door behind her and flipped on the lights, revealing her bare beige walls and carpet. The firplace was dark and the house was dead silent besides the hum of the heater. Her phone buzzed again as she began taking off her gloves and untying the laces of her boots. She sighed and dug it out again, hesitant to open the message.

"Please talk to me Mai"

No. She thought numbly, shrugging off her coat and hanging it on the old fashioned coat rack. The phone buzzed once more. NO. She yelled in her mind, throwing her cellphone onto the davenport couch, where it bounced off the velvet cushions and landed on the carpet. She quickly went into the kitchen, lighting it up to find a bottle of  cold unopened moscato in the fridge. She didn't bother with a glass and chugged it straight, feeling as empty as her house as she heard the distant buzzing from the living room.

"Please stop.." She whispered, walking sock footed back to her phone. 

It buzzed again, and again. A call was coming through, lighting her screen a bright blue with a string of white numbers staring at her from the floor. Maybe it was the nostalgia from the holiday season making her miss a somewhat normal life, or the long cold aimless walk where she thought about nothing but her past, or the few bottles of white wine she had earlier in the afternoon in front of the unlit fireplace that made her feel vulnerable and alone; but she answered on the last ring.

She couldn't bring herself to speak, immediately regretting her decisions to answer him.

"Mai?" He asked, the worry in his voice immediately caused her to break inside. She could see his big brown eyes looking at her and her eyes began to water. 

"Mai are you there?"

There was a pause as she fought back the tears shes been holding in for so long.

"You don't have to talk Mai, you don’t have to say anything.I can talk enough for the both of us, you know me. You know how I love to talk..." He began to ramble and she felt her heart swell with emotion. He was the only one who truly understood her, who didn't try to force her to do anything.

"...I was just thinking about you and wanted to make sure you were okay, that's all. You're my friend and it being the holidays I wanted to make sure I wished you a Merry Christmas! It's been awhile since we actually spoke, I know you're going through a lot and have been going through a lot after..everything that happened..." He sensed himself getting into a topic he didn't want to mention. The one way conversation became awkward and a little forced as he swiveled the conversation to himself.

"I'm just chilling here. Im at home. I'm looking at apartments right now, looking forward to moving out soon. Tristan and I want to be room mates. But his mom is freaking out over it, she doesn't want her baby boy to move out. Especially, with someone she thought was bad news." He let out a genuine laugh and continued, as she found a seat on the couch; wine bottle still in hand. "But Tristan is going to take over his father's factory so he's set for life, I'm just trying to figure out what I want to do. I've never been the school type, so I'm thinking of just really following my heart and pursuing Dual Monsters and..."

"Joey.." His name slipped out without her having anything to say. Her conversation well had dried a long time ago. Talking didn't come natural to her anymore since she became a recluse.

He immediately stopped talking, desperately waiting for her to say anything to him at this point. She didn't know what to say but she forced out the first thing that came to her mind.

"I..I'm fine. I'm still..." She didn't know what to say after that. She was still what? Hurting? She has kept everything she ever felt packed tightly inside of her until it drove her mad, that mixed with her personal traumas; she hasn't felt alright in a long time.

"I understand." Joey said to fill in the seconds of silence. "You don't have to talk about it."

"I never talk about it." Mai replied so harshly and quickly, she even surprised herself. Joey was caught off guard and became the silent one; and everything she was feeling began to fill up behind her lips the more the silence progressed.

"It's..okay..."

"No. It's not. You're the one person I treated the worse and you're the only person that ever gave a shit. "

"Mai..."

"You scared me so I pushed you away, but I never wanted us to grow apart. I never wanted us to end..." Tears began to sneak their way into the corner of her eyes and her voice started to shake, but she couldn't stop. It felt so good to let it out, to let it all out.

"I couldn't process what had happened to me at Battle City..." She continued. "I still have nightmares, vivid..horrific...I still hear Malik laughing and I can feel him hovering over me as I sleep...." The tears made their way down her face, leaving her cheeks warm and sticky. Her breathing quickened as she tried to hold back sobs.

"I used you...you were so young and I took advantage of your kindness and your innocence. I dont deserve you and I never will."

"I dont care Mai, it's all in the past. I only care about us being friends again."

"Just friends?" Her anxiety heightened, wishing she could take back what she just asked. "I'm sorry..." She quickly added, not sure of how to take back her words. Did she want to take them back? Did she really want to know if somehow Joey could still ever want to pursue her after how she treated him? Before she could process what she wanted, he let out a shaky breath.

"If thats what you want." Joey cautiously replied, making sure to put emphasis on "you".  "I..." She heard him lick his lips and sigh, obviously wrestling his feelings just like her.

"Just tell me what you're feeling Joey..." She begged, clutching the neck of the wine bottle tighter.  "I know you're afraid to after...everything. I'm afraid too..."

Joey became the silent once now. He was just as cautious as she was, just as afraid, just as broken.  Mai felt the heaviness of actually being alone. If she lost her one chance to be with Joey....if she couldnt make it right...if he didn't love her anymore....

The realization that she loved Joey hit her hard, causing her to drop the bottle of wine in the midst of him struggling to find his words and explain himself. He fumbled over everything he said before she interrupted him.

"I remember when I kissed you for the first time..." She started; he lapsed back into silence. "I was just so proud of you I thought...he deserves this. I expected you to be the same dopey kid, that would blush and babble after. I didn't expect you to kiss me back. That you would cup my face and put your fingers in my hair. To push me against the wall and leave me breathless. Thats when I realized that you weren't some teenager with a crush, that I wasn't doing you a favor. "

Joey let out a breathy laugh, low and bass into Mai's ear. It sent a line of shivers across her back. "I remember wanting to kiss you more. I never wanted to stop. And I'll never want to stop."

"Joey.." She whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut; allowing the tears to stream freely down her face.

"Mai.." He breathed, letting her cry.

[mubble-fubbler]

TLDR: I’m a socially inept dumbass who doesnt get people.

You know whats dumb?

I wanna see him again.

I wanna talk to him about how shitty hes making me feel and how ive realised that i put up with a lot of shit out of fear of losing him.

Did you know that he’d seem to be upset and sacred of going downstairs, so I’d get him ice cream or a drink or go out and buy him chocolate, only to find him then happily playing dota 2 with his friends?

That’s the worst part; I honestly dont know if anything about this relationship was true or not, and its really fucking me up.

A week or so before we broke up, he explained to me, after 7 years, that the real reason he dated me is because he felt sorry for me and didnt want me to be ‘broken’ like he was. Like that’s fucked me up more than I initially thought. Like, how much of this was just me? Maybe he was just overcompensating with taking me out to eat and things like that. I dont know anymore. I feel lost. Really lost.

The worst part is the lonliness. Like even at work right now (thanks to my anxiety cropping up) I just feel so disconnected from everything. I got this job with the hopes that we could save together and get a house together, and now I just feel aimless. Friendless. 

Oh friendless. Dont get me started on how I have analysed this.

So once upon a time I used to have friends. Sure, they were through school and stuff but they enjoyed my company and i theirs. But once that school shit ended...even when I tried to arrange things, asking them when they were free...

Nothing.

And you know what?

I’ve figured it out.

No one wants to be around a nice but boring person. You can be as friendly as you can, even though anxiousness. You can be there for people when they need you, helping out with tasks they are too scared to do themselves.

But it doesnt fucking matter.

No one wants to be friends with a person like that. No one wants to date a person like that. Now, I’m not gonna go all dudebro on you guys (who is reading this anyway). I’m not angry at these people for ditching me for interesting people. I dont blame them. I hate myself more for having this stupid personality that is incompatible with normal people. 

Like, is it my experiences that have broke me down into being this alien thing that cant relate to real life people things like drinking and fucking and having fun without any special connection involved? Was I born like this? I dont know. I honestly dont know.

I...I am considering looking into finding out if I have autism tbh. I dont know where to start with it, and I am sacred of the label, but there must be a reason why I dont understand people and friendships. There must be a reason why I feel so alien and different compared to other people. I just wish I didnt. I wish I was normal and could be with people and get on with them outside of school or work environments.

Anyway, enough rambling.