#ah that’s why I felt she should be asexual

[ibijau]

I don't think I've seen this anywhere (and if you know of any fics that do have this concept, please link!), but what if the events of MDZS (all media) was actually based on history within a modern AU of MDZS?

So like, as an example, you have people speculating whether or not Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were lovers or not in the same way people do with some real historical figures today, some theories that say Nie Huaisang orchestrated everything that go mostly ignored by everyone except those in the #NieHuaisangDidIt community because it's Nie Huaisang, who is largely remembered as a relatively harmless sect leader, etc... Some even still think the Yiling Patriarch was pure evil, though the novel, shows, and audio drama have since made this an unpopular opinion to have.

And then there's Wei Wuxian, be it through reincarnation with regained memories or immortality, listening to all of this in the background.

“I'm just saying that you wrote your thesis on him, so of course you're biased,” Jin Guangyao said. “There's no way Nie Huaisang organised all this. Everyone in that period agrees that he was so stupid he could barely do basic additions!”

“I have a phd and I can't count either,” Nie Huaisang countered. “Listen, I tell you, the proof is all there if you just look.”

Of course, they weren’t called Nie Huaisang and Jin Guangyao, not in this life, but Wei Wuxian wasn't good with names. In fact, after centuries of being alive, he was worse with names than he'd ever been. Thankfully, this crowd Lan Wangji and him had become friends with didn't mind at all the nicknames he'd picked for them.

“And I can prove that Jin Guangyao didn't even die, and made a name for himself in Japan,” Jin Guangyao retorted. “There's this Han man who suddenly appears out of nowhere in the Japanese court, claiming to know great magic, and...”

“Yes, I've seen the movie too,” Nie Huaisang yawned, taking another sip of his bubble tea.

Jin Guangyao went red and purple, while Wei Wuxian tried to hide a snicker. If there was one sure way to piss of Jin Guangyao, it was by mentioning that recent movie that had come out, very loosely inspired by a series of blog articles he'd written years ago when he was still a student. The inspiration was loose enough that he hadn't been involved in the process at all, because the scenarist had pretended they just happened to have come to the same conclusion.

It wasn't a bad movie, Wei Wuxian thought. It wasn't a goodone either, but he quite liked the actor who played Lan Wangji in it (Wei Wuxian himself wasn't part of the plot, sadly, on account of being officially dead by then), and the fight scenes were pretty fun. Besides, he felt like Jin Guangyao should have liked it even better than he did.

The actor playing him was the tallest member of the cast after all.

“I hope you choke on your tea,” Jin Guangyao muttered, to which Nie Huaisang answered with a bright grin.

It was about to devolve into a fight (an animated academic discussion, Jin Guangyao would have called it) when Lan Xichen entered the boba place, radiant as always. She ordered her own tea (plain black tea but with extra sugar and the sweetest fillings available, as usual) and sat with them, apparently oblivious to the adoration with which Jin Guangyao and Nie Huaisang gazed upon her.

Wei Wuxian had a bet going on with Jiang Cheng about which man would ask her out first in this life. He also had a bet going on with Jin Ling regarding whether anyone would dare ask her out at all. Wei Wuxian would have tried to help the matter, but Lan Wangji wouldn't allow it, worried for his sibling. A needless worry, Wei Wuxian thought. Lan Xichen was doing well for herself in this life, and so were the other two. Going into academia had been a great way for them to channel their lingering resentment. Their fight had almost never gotten physical in this life.

“I'm sorry for being late, jiejie wanted me to help her order something from overseas,” Lan Xichen apologised, smiling warmly. “I hope I didn't interrupt anything important? You seemed to be chatting, no?”

“We were talking about Guangyao's movie,” Nie Huaisang cheerfully answered.

Jin Guangyao looked about ready to murder him, but Lan Xichen just laughed in that sweet, careless way of hers and in a second both men had forgotten their previous argument.

“Oh, that reminds me, I brought something that might make you laugh,” she said, digging into her handbag. “It's in your field of study... in a manner of speaking.”

She put a book on the table. On the cover were two handsome young men, one dressed in black and carrying a flute, the other in white holding a bright sword. Above them, bold characters professed that this book was called “The Founder of Demonic Cultivation”.

Wei Wuxian's drink went the wrong way, and he nearly died coughing on a tapioca pearl. When everyone was sure that he wouldn't choke so stupidly, they all turned their attention back to the book.

“What's that?” Jin Guangyao asked.

“It's a danmei novel,” Lan Xichen explained, a spot of red on her cheeks. “Jiejie lent it to me the other day, and as soon as I started reading I realised the subject was... familiar. It's about Wei Wuxian. The real one I mean,” she added with a smile to Wei Wuxian who pretended to be fascinated by his bubble tea. “It's, ah... very creative. It takes liberties with some of the events, but, ah, it's very well written.”

“Wonderful, more fiction,” Jin Guangyao muttered.

Meanwhile, Nie Huaisang eagerly grabbed the book and started browsing it with hungry eyes. He had theories about that, too. Mostly, about the exact nature of Wei Wuxian's relationship with Jiang Cheng, which he had once explained to Wei Wuxian with far more details than the immortal would ever have cared to hear... and he hoped Jiang Cheng himself would never hear about it.

In fairness to Nie Huaisang though, his arguments had been very convincing, and Wei Wuxian would have had doubts, if he hadn't been married to Lan Wangji for over a thousand years.

“Oh, Lan Wangji,” Nie Huaisang grumbled, closing the book and sliding it back toward Lan Xichen. “I suppose I see the appeal, but there's really no evidence whatsoever in their case, you know?”

“We know,” Lan Xichen said with an indulgent smile.

“Now, Jiang Wanyin and him, on the other hand...”

“You people are obsessed with romance!” Jin Guangyao complained. “His relationship to Jiang Wanyin was platonic!”

Wei Wuxian distractedly nodded. That was indeed true.

“And so was his relationship to Lan Wangji,” Jin Guangyao added with a disgusted glare at the book.

Wei Wuxian grimaced. That was very much not true.

“From the letters I've read, I think in today's world, the Yiling Patriarch would probably be asexual,” Jin Guangyao argued. “Not that I particularly approve of using modern terminology to describe the sexuality of long dead people, but if you consider everything we know about him, then... are you ok?”

“Peachy,” Wei Wuxian coughed, trying not to burst out laughing. Jin Guangyao's pride was still a delicate thing in this life. “Hey, Xichen-jie, mind if I borrow that book until we meet again? I think Lan Zhan would love it.”

“Sure, I don't see why not.”

Wei Wuxian grinned, and pocketed the book.

Lan Wangji and him were going to have a good laugh that night, as they always did whenever someone wrote a new story about them.

[kiame-sama]

Can get one where Friezia is trying to woo Glacia but is failing miserably

Warnings; yandere, awkward situations, Frieza is struggling to compute, royal prince gets mad, my oc Glacia, more background info on Glacia given,

~~~~~~~~

It was a quiet afternoon on the outskirts of the city, the rolling hills and valleys beyond full of scattered farmhouses and fields. But hate bubbled in the tyrant as he stared at the city beyond, wondering how many humans he could slaughter before Goku would show up to try and be a hero. Perhaps he could level a few cities just to get the monkey riled up and hit him where it hurts most.

As the heartless ice-djin debated on what he felt like doing more, a certain scent caught his nose. Ice-djin would often use scent to easily identify each other as they were adept at taking on the forms of other weaker races. But where the cold prince expected to see someone similar to himself and his father, he was stunned to see that she had rather different features.

Frieza wondered once why no females of his race existed, but quickly forgot about it given the semi-asexual nature of ice-djinn as his own father used similar methods. They had no need for distinct genders in his species so a 'female' distinct population died out long ago, but this one was different from all other ice-djin he had met in the past. Where most Ice-djin were in the cool color light range in flesh tone, she was a bright opposite in a flushed pink that almost exaggerated her rather apparent assets that set her apart from the rest. She was dressed in similar garb as the pathetic earthlings and he prince knew then he needed to speak to this oddity.

He hadn't intended on trying to be stealthy in his approach, but he couldn't help the way he stepped much softer and hid his presence- the Saiyan monkeys were good for that technique at least. The more her features became distinct as he came closer, the more he liked what he saw. The swell of her chest and hips were fairly attracting to him, feeling an almost instinctual draw to her by scent and sight.

Though Ice-djin were a warm-blooded reptilian species, it is possible that females fed the hatched young similar to how mammals did? Perhaps, Frieza had seen something similar in a planet he conquered some time before the Saiyan race was even a problem. It would explain her pronounced chest if they served a similar function evolution-wise.

It was decided, as the prince and heir to the mantle that was king of the Ice-djin, he would take the sole female of his race as his mate.

"I have come to take you with me."

Frieza announced as he got close enough to the enticingly scented female, noticing the way she jolted at his sudden presence and spun on the spot to face him. Her hackles were up and her tail lashed fiercely in a threat display that flushed more color to the hard shell-areas of her body. He had not seen posing like this very often except when it came to his older brother, naturally as only his brother would challenge him in such a way.

When the hostile ice-djin did not immediately back down upon seeing him, Frieza felt confused. Any and all members of his race should know who he is, but here this brazen young female was, threatening him!

Of course! She must have been left on the planet before hatching and was not taught proper manners with royalty such as him. Odd... Ice-djin were a proud and deeply narcissistic race, no self-respecting ice-djin would abandon their offspring so easily.

"Ah, of course, why would I expect you to have any proper education on interacting with royals? I am Prince Frieza, son of King Cold, heir to the Universal Empire."

"..."

"..? You should know the prince is held in high esteem and always shown respect at all times by everyone."

"..."

"Yes, well, I have decided you are a suitable mate and have come to the conclusion that you will depart this miserable planet immediately and take your place by my side."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Speak when spoken to!"

"I don't know you! Why would I go anywhere with you? Dad says I can't trust strange aliens unless he says so!"

"Dad..? You are telling me an Ice-djin raised you and you have no idea who I am? He should be killed for such treason!"

A sudden sense of external fear washed over the cold emperor as the being in front of him seemed to cower and panic. Clearly she wanted nothing to do with him and he was not about to just let that happen! Not after deciding she belonged to him.

Frieza shot out a hand to grab the female in front of him so he could shake her to her senses or pull her away with him only to grab at the air where she was. In a sudden moment she was no longer in front of him, but a hundred yards away in the arms of the very being that set a fire of hate burning eternal in his stomach. Son Goku held the ice-djin in his arms and gently set her down, looking at her with a serious expression.

"You okay, Glacia?"

"Yeah... Yeah I'm okay."

"Are you sure he didn't hurt you in any way, sweetheart?"

"I'm sure., thanks Dad."

Glacia... What a fitting name for an Ice-djin. But wait... Did she say-? She said Son Goku- Frieza's sworn enemy- was her father?

"Frieza. Surprised you're back and trying to get your hands on my daughter while you are at it. Even I didn't think you would stoop so low, but what else would I expect from you?"

"That creature is an ice-djin and is bound by the laws of our race to be my mate. I have chosen her."

"She's not doing anything for you!"

"We shall she about that..."

~~~°-DBZ appropriate cliffhanger-*~~~

[tender-rosiey]

Hi I really like your writing and I wanted to request something. If you’re comfortable with writing it: could I request Dazai, Chuuya, Kunikida and Atsushi with an s/o that is demisexual/asexual and is nervous to tell them bc she thinks they’ll reject her. Like she’s okay-ish with that kind of stuff but more so leans away and doesn’t actively seek out sex or anything. Like I’m aight with it from time to time though but it’s rare and I would rather just cuddle. It’s something have kinda been struggling with. This isn’t really meant to be an nswf request but if you aren’t comfortable with this for any reason please ignore!! I couldnt find your rules anywhere that stated your writing preferences so I’m just taking a stab at it. Thank you!

❥ Bsd Characters reacting to you being Asexual

Includes: Dazai, Chuuya, Kunikida and Atsushi

ᴀ/ɴ: I am glad you like my writing! I am sorrybits a little short but i don’t see why hate someone for their sexuality like :( About the rules, I will maybe put I won’t write nsfw stuff cause I am too much of a pussy to write it BUT that’s not the topic here so I hope you like this 🥺💘

Dazai Osamu:

We know this little shit is an observant person, right?

So I believe he took the hint at the beginning when he tried to approach you like that

He was like “Ah she probably doesn’t prefer sexual interactions”

So he kept everything low and was enough with cuddling you

After all in a relationship both sides should be satisfied and sexual interactions aren’t what makes a relationship “good“

When you gathered up the courage to tell our supposedly known as a horny man that you are asexual

What did he do?

Smiled

kissed your forehead

“Sexual interactions doesn’t matter to me , belladonna. I am just happy you are in my life and if we get to the point where we want children then we can adopt.”

Was so understanding about it 🥺

He will cuddle you the rest of the day and ask what to do and what to not do

Chuuya Nakahara:

Chu chu is not as observant as Dazai

So he won’t know until you tell him

Like he can take the hint that you don’t want to do anything like that at the given moment but doesn’t get that you don’t even want it

So when you tell him that you are asexual then he is like

“Really? I thought you hated me touching you in general”

Yes he actually felt insecure

So comforting will be given and received from both sides

“Not having sex won’t change how I feel for you, I got with you for who you are as a person not the desire to touch you”

CUDDLE REASSURANCE TIME

Yay ✨

Kunikida Doppo:

We have a smart bich over here

So he probably picked up on the idea

And honestly his reaction is not that much

Like

“Kunikida, I am asexual”

He looked like he was thinking about something

Then nodded and opened his ideals

Scratched the part of having children and wrote “Y/N does not like sexual interaction therefore none shall be made.”

Aw

He kissed your forehead

“Good job on gathering the courage to tell me.”

Then went on his merry way

Acceptance and shared comfort is what I see as one of the important things in a relationship

“Oh yeah, Y/N”

He came back?-

“Dont be afraid to tell me about anything, okay? I am your significant other, I am supposed to be your comfort zone. So please trust me and expect the best from me.”

Atsushi Nakajima:

“Atsushi I am asexual.”

He will just blush at the mention of the word “sexual”

DIDNT YOU SEE HOW HE BLUSHED WHEN HE WAS ASKED BY KYOKA ABOUT GOING ON A DATE WITH HIM?-

Anyways

Then he nodded shyly covering his face

“Sushi, aren’t you affected by it?-“

He looked at you curiously

“No, why?”

“I love you for you not what I get from you”

Aw

He never tried anything and now wouldn’t ever try

He doesn’t make you uncomfortable 🥺

copyright © 2020 tender-rosiey

do not copy or plagiarize or you will be reported

[if-anything-im-their-sidekick]

Everything Is Going To Be A-Okay

Summary: After a little flirting leads being asked out, Alex makes up a quick excuse and goes off to hide, Morgan finds them and helps Alex learn a little about themself

* * *

"I saw you the news a while back," the tall, blonde, A tier villain told Alex.

She was flirting with them, they knew. Had been for a while now. Alex knew they should tell her they aren't interested, that her flirting was futile.

"You'll have to be more specific, I make the news a lot." Okay, so what if they kept it going? Alex liked the attention. Besides, this party didn't offer much in the way of entertainment.

She laughed a very slight laugh and brushed her hand over Alex's. "When you fought against the Chartreuse Candelabra Corps."

"Ah, yes, good times." Alex took a sip of their drink. "I wonder if they ever rebuilt."

"You looked so powerful," the A tier said. "I like powerful."

"Well you won't find anyone more powerful than me."

"Would you like to go out to dinner? Tomorrow, you and me, 7:00, I know an amazing restaurant."

"Um...I think I hear my roommate calling me." Alex set down their drink.

"I didn't hear anyone."

"Super hearing," Alex said as they left.

"I have super hearing too you jerk."

Alex wormed their way through the crowd, a bedroom. A couple had found their way there already, making out on the bed.

“Out.”

Everyone knew better than to disobey Alex. Even if you had never met them, fear poured off them, sunk into your skin. No one disobeyed Alex.

With the room now empty, Alex took a seat. Part of them wanted to disappear from the party, but Morgan would worry. It was dumb. The flirting was fun, but Alex knew what tended to follow. They hated what followed.

“You good?”

Alex looked up to see Morgan entering the bedroom, shutting the door back them.

“Yeah, why?”

“A couple rushed out of here terrified, I figured you had something to do with that.” Morgan took a seat next to Alex on the bed.

“I wanted to be alone for a bit,” Alex said, looking away.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong? I thought you were having a good time. You love when people make you the center of attention and you’ve definitely been stealing the attention from the birthday boy.”

“Heh.” Alex smiled a bit. “Dr. Gloom shouldn’t have invited me if he didn’t want me stealing all of the attention.”

“He didn’t, I was invited, you’re my plus one.”

“Right.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“No, I just screwed up and don’t really want to go back out just yet.”

“Screwed up how?”

Alex locked eyes with Morgan. Their expression was concerned, but kind, very unusual for a villain. Alex was the only one they that way at. It made Alex feel calm, safe. Their heart felt tight in their chest.

“Do think being a villain made me like this.” Alex looked away. “Incapable of...”

They couldn’t finish sentence.

“You’re an S tier villain Alex, you’re capable of anything.”

Alex felt Morgan’s hand on their back, warm, grounding. Why did they feel like they were going to cry? They don’t cry. They were intimidating, demanding and respect and fear, larger than life, a god among mortals.

“Being human.”

Alex heard the difference in Morgan’s pulse. Their breathing changed too. They were the most minute differences, but Alex could tell. Morgan didn’t know what to say and fear whatever they did say could make matters worse.

“You’re S tier Alex,” they said. “You’re immortal and can bend near anything to your will, things will be different for you, but that doesn’t make you less human.”

“I’m capable of emotion.”

“We’ve lived together for over a year, trust me, I know.”

Alex finally looked back at Morgan. “Why am I so disgusted by love?”

Realization flashed across Morgan’s face like puzzle pieces falling into place. Alex found the response confusing, which made the situation even more infuriating.

“Alex, do you know what asexual means?”

“Obviously,” Alex said. “What? You think I’m repulsed by love because I can reproduce asexually?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I can reproduce asexually, took the ability from an alien I fought a few years back. I had this whole plan to make copies of myself to be my minions, but it didn’t really work out.”

“Uh, we’re gonna circle back to that, okay.” Morgan took a second to regain focus on the original topic. The fact threw them for a loop. “I meant asexual as in ace. It’s a sexuality when you don’t experience sexual attraction.”

“No, that’s not it, I definitely experience sexual attraction.”

“You do?”

Alex heard Morgan’s pulse increase slightly.

“Yeah.”

Morgan thought about it. “Maybe aromantic would fit better then?”

“A...romantic? So like to not experience romantic attraction?”

“Exactly.”

“Is that normal? Being aromantic, but not asexual.”

“Well my sexuality doesn’t match my romantic orientation.”

“No?”

“I’m alloromantic,” Morgan said. “Which is the opposite of aromantic and asexual, demisexual specifically.”

“Is that like a type of asexual?”

“Yeah, I don’t experience sexual attraction until I form a strong emotional bond with a person.”

“So when you say strong emotional bond,” Alex asked, now very curious. “Would that be like, say, living with someone for over a year and being partners in crime for nearly two?”

“What are you getting at?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Morgan was smiling, a bit of blush colored their cheeks. “Do you want head home?”

“Let’s get out of here.”

Alex snapped their fingers and suddenly they were back home at their apartment, far away from the party.

“Did you remember to leave a present for Dr. Gloom?” Morgan asked.

“I didn’t even remember to buy one.”

* * *

First fic for S and D Tier, I got a lot planned, these two are fun to write

I accept constructive criticism

[dreamescapeswriting]

Campfire ~ MYG [Request]

WORD COUNT: 1k

PAIRING: Yoongi x  Ace!Reader

GENRE: Fluffy, little bit of angry Yoongi, mentions of “dirty” jokes which aren’t really jokes more like rude comments from the guys

A/N: Ah this is short I’m sorry! But I hope you like it! I have another Ace!Reader one for Yoongi and I didn’t want to have them the exact same! Xx @captainorangegoose​

The sky was pitch black except for a couple of stars and the moon that could be seen from your campsite with the boys, the only thing that was lighting up the small area you were all sitting in was the campfire that looked as though it was almost going out.

"Jungkook, get another log." Namjoon called out to the Maknae who was just coming back from one of his "leg stretches" which meant he'd gone to go and pee in a bush because he was too scared to walk down the hill on his own to the small bathroom. Though he wasn't alone in that one, you asked Yoongi to go with you as well. It was creepy walking all the way down the hill to use the toilet and then coming back up in the dead of night. You'd rather hold it in or night or have someone go with you. Jungkook jogged back over and threw the log onto the small fire so you added some screwed up balls of paper just to let the flames catch a little more.

"You know there's one thing we haven't done," Jimin said as he handed you a small cup of hot chocolate and then smiled at you and the boys. All of you had decided to go on a mini-spontaneous camping trip to get away from the busy city life. You thought "camping" was a code-word for going to a small hotel on a beach and you were really, really wrong. Yoongi wrapped his arm around your waist as he tiredly laid his head on your shoulder trying not to fall asleep. He'd been the one driving the car with you, himself, Hoseok and Taehyung which meant blasting out all of Yoongi's songs while singing along badly to them. So Yoongi was a bit more than tired, he was exhausted but was refusing to go to bed without you.

"Played truth or dare," Jimin finished off his sentence and you looked over at him with one eyebrow raised,

"Truth or dare? What are we? 14?" You laughed softly making Yoongi laugh as he opened his eyes to look at Jimin, who even in the low light seemed to be turning a bright red now that everyone was laughing along with you.

"I think I should be getting this one to bed anyway, he seems sleepy." You mentioned as you nodded at Yoongi who now had his head laying on Hoseok's shoulder as he tried to tell you he wasn't tired but stopped when he started yawning.

"Good thing I packed the earplugs Hyung, our tent is right next to theirs!" Taehyung laughed as he nudged Jin playfully you just laughed it off the only ones to know that you were asexual were you and Yoongi. You figured it was no one else's business since they weren't involved in the relationship but it often leads to moments like this one. One of the guys would make some crack at a lewd joke or a dirty one and Yoongi would become defensive. Luckily for you, tonight Yoongi seemed calmer since he was too tired to function right now.

"You're lucky, I'm sharing a tent with them," Jimin grumbled as he sipped on the hot chocolate he'd made for himself and then shuddered.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about, Y/n won't let him do anything while we're around," Jungkook said innocently as he placed a smore into his mouth, quickly spitting back out onto the floor as soon as he burnt his tongue.

"I bet you're super kinky Noona," Jimin blurted out turning a bright red as everyone turned to stare at him this time, you had no idea where this was all coming from when it had been a calmer conversation to this.

"Shut up Jimin, I'm taking Yoongi to bed." You laughed it off, trying to play it cool and that he wasn't bothering you because it didn't. Just because someone would make a rude or dirty joke, it didn't mean it had to make you uncomfortable. You wrapped your arm around Yoongi and began to walk him towards the tents when Jungkook spoke up this time,

"She didn't deny it! That means she likes kinky stuff! Getting tied up, choked! That's why they're never doing anything when we stay over," That was all it took for Yoongi to wake up fully and start yelling at them all for being so immature about things.

"Do you have any idea what you're saying?! How can you be so rude to talk about someone else's sex life like that?!" You pulled at Yoongi's arm trying to reassure him that it was just a joke but he shook his head at you.

"It's not fine, or just a joke it's rude!" He cried out as he looked at all of them that had been joking about it. Their heads hanging low as he continued to rant on to them about what was going on,

"What happens between me and Y/n behind closed doors or zipped up tents is our business! You don't have to stick your noses in!" As soon as he began to turn red in the face with anger you pulled him back to you and kissed his bicep,

"Y-Yoongi come on, bed." You whispered as the others all mumbled apologies in your direction, you thanked them as you took Yoongi in the direction of your tent and got ready to sleep for the night.

As you were laying down with your head on Yoongi's chest you started to draw small invisible patterns into his skin, kissing him as you laid there in silence.

"I'm sorry they said that-"

"Yoongi, I've told you before and I'll tell you again, it's fine," You whispered as you leant upon him to look into his eyes, the small torch in the tent was the only thing lighting up for you to be able to see him.

"You don't have to worry about them, the only ones that matter are, me and you." You whispered as you kissed him softly, smiling as you felt him relax against your kiss.

"Get some sleep, you have a long drive on Sunday." You smirked as you snuggled back down against him on the air mattress while he groaned out at the thought of getting back into the car with you guys again.

Tagline: @lyoongx​ @mitzwinchester​ @rjsmochii​ @fan-ati--c​ @taestannie​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @bisexualmess007​ @innersooya​ @sw33tnight​ @sweeneyblue1​ @jin-from-the-block​

[rosy-cheekx]

Peeling Labels

Aspec Week, Day 7: Something New-- @aspecarchivesweek

an exploration of Jon and demisexuality! As a demisexual mspec person, a lot of this is based on my own anxieties as an aspec person and not being “ace enough.” (thanks to @ombreblossom for listening to me try to parse out how being demi feels and how to word it for the fic.)

Rated T for reference to a sex dream, but no explicit language/smut words used!

-

Jon has a weird relationship with labels. Labels are good, they categorize and compartmentalize feelings, situations, states of being. An archivist’s dream, really. But when they are applied to Jon, either by himself or someone else, they feel non-Newtonian, as if holding onto the word for too long causes it to slip through his fingers.

Usually, it’s fine. He knows that labels don’t really matter, but they still feel good. It’s comforting to know that he isn’t broken or a liar or confused; there are people in the world who share a word with him. They are bonded under a flag of black, white, purple, and grey.

Jon had set the precedent quickly, with Martin, on the first night they had been in Jon’s flat, pressed against a doorframe and exploring each other with gentle urgency. “I-ah, Martin,” he had broken away from Martin’s lips, eyes shining with a mix of adoration and anxiety. “I don’t think I’ve told you before, but I’m asexual. Just-uh, well. Thought you should know.”

Martin had nodded, eyes soft and full of understanding. “Okay. Do we have a boundary I should know?” The answer was yes: anything below the belt was strictly off limits, to give or to receive. And that was that. Martin was the perfect gentleman, checking in constantly whenever they were in the heat of a moment. The rule remained and was never crossed. Rules have labels and that label was: asexual.

 Except, it wasn’t that easy. God forbid anything was easy for Jon. Labels are nice and they’re helpful to the part of Jon that craves structure, order. He’d found his ace identity while dating Georgie, after she gently asked him what was up after his third gentlemanly refusal of her advances. He had stammered out that he liked her, but didn’t want sex, at all, and he didn’t want her to be upset with him. And of course she wasn’t, because she’s Georgie, and she helped him find the word asexual, that glorious, blessed word that made so many frustrations and doubts slot into place.

Their romance didn’t end because of his aceness, far from it in fact. In fact, honestly, they were probably together as long as they were because their friendship was the strongest part of their relationship. But god, they were too similar to be in love. They were both too stubborn, too determined, unable to reach compromise when it came to the silliest things like movie nights (Jon found Georgie’s Lord of the Rings box set far too long and far too pretentious for his taste) or how their cupboards should be arranged. Their relationship was something they could win, and they were both determined to be the victor.

In the end, they both lost.

--

While Jon and Georgie had been a couple first, friends second, he and Martin had a foundation. There was friendship, shared trauma, a love that surpassed romantic and dug into something deeper. When they’re in bed and the dark is warm and heavy, limbs intertwined, Jon is reminded of the Greek myth of soulmates: a four armed, four legged being split in two, deemed to be too powerful by the gods. Sharing an essence, completing each other, making two halves whole. It makes Jon smile and kiss Martin’s forehead affectionately. They had been too powerful for the gods, hadn’t they? Unstoppable, really.

All this to say…what he has with Martin? It’s new. Something he has never experienced before. And it’s leading to a host of new, confusing experiences. He’s been in a relationship with Martin for nearly six months now. Jon really thought that at 32 years old, after battling down fear entity after fear entity in an apocalyptic hellscape, there were no new feelings he could experience. But here he was, lying awake, trying to trace patterns in the ceiling and understand the dream he had woken up from.

Not a nightmare. No, quite the opposite. Nightmares he knows how to deal with: slip out of bed, make a cup of tea or a glass of water, slip on the lamp by the bed, and cuddle into bed, reading quietly until sleep steals him away. But he does not know how to deal with this new dream of Martin, hovering above him, low voice stealing his breath and pressing kisses along his jaw, collarbone, shoulder as delicate, warm, strong hands brushed his body, dipping low with confidence. Jon woke up to a heat pooling in his core, tight and powerful, one he hadn’t experienced in such a way.

Jon has a libido, sure, but it’s always been a bodily desire, not a…what would you call this? Emotional one? He certainly never fantasized about another person, especially not someone he knew, that felt so invasive. He felt a flush heat his cheeks and chest as he pictured that image of Martin his subconscious has supplied him, above and around him with that concentration face he wears whenever he’s starting a puzzle or stuck on a particular difficult crossword, the one that always makes Jon grin and kiss his wrinkled forehead. But this one looked more heated, more filled with lust. And it… it affected him. Jon realized with a dawning that he liked it. A lot.

Jon glanced at the bedside clock and sighed at the blinking green 5:15 on the LED screen. Good a time as any to get a hot shower and let his feelings wash away with the soapy water. He extracted himself carefully from Martin’s warm arms and slipped into the ensuite, stripping to the sounds of water pounding from the showerhead and letting the steam and hot water envelop him. He scrubbed himself down harshly, watching suds rinse down his legs and down the drain, trying desperately to keep his mind off whatever that had been.

Once his skin was blotchy from heat, Jon decided he had enough. He slid into the flannel trousers he’d left abandoned on the floor of the loo and slipped back to bed, trying to do so without disrupting his sleeping boyfriend. Martin looked so lovely like this, auburn curls streaked with white plastered against the pillow and his forehead, mouth hung open and naked torso splayed so openly, so unguarded. He looked so lovely, the freckles smattered on his shoulders and stretch marks carving beautiful lines across his skin; the stars and the rivers below, a whole world in the work of art that is Martin Blackwood. How would he feel if he knew Jon had had that dream about him?

Jon’s staring, the lowercase-b-beholding of the man he loved was broken by Martin sleepily opening his eyes, a moment of confusion followed by focusing on Jon, who was kneeling on the edge of his side of the bed, captivated.

“Mmm. Hi there, love,” Martin mumbled, running a hand through his hair and sleepily glancing over at the clock. “You alright? Bad dream?”

Jon nodded; the spell broken. “Ah, yeah.” He couldn’t tell Martin, it was just a dream; he didn’t want to confuse Martin or worse, convince him he was a liar, that he wasn’t asexual, that it had all been to avoid-

Oh. Martin had spoken. He was staring at him expectantly, waiting for a response. “Sorry, say it again?” Jon asked meekly, sliding back under the covers.

“Do you want to talk about it, Jon?” The voice was patient, so patient. Jon shook his head and tucked himself into Martin’s side, tying up his damp, freshly brushed hair out of the way.

“I don’t really remember it anymore.” Lies. “It mustn’t have been that bad.” Martin’s hands were cool on his skin, still warm from the shower, as they brushed over the planes of his face in a slow way, stroking his nose and cheeks and forehead in the way Martin always did when he wanted Jon to go back to sleep. With some reservation, Jon let himself fall back against the pillows.

--

Jon thought about “The Dream” quite a bit in the week that followed. He wanted to understand it: why it had happened at all, but also, why it was still affecting him. Every so often, between emails sent and papers graded, his mind would drift back to the image of Martin, cheeks ruddy and eyes glassy, gazing down at him with such affection and Jon’s whole body would freeze up. Why was he suddenly attracted to Martin in such a new way? He loved that man with his whole being and yet, there was suddenly a new element, something unexpected, coming over the horizon. It’s been almost six months with Martin; why now?

The implications scared Jon. He had always identified as asexual; it was a core part of who he knew himself to be. Had it all been an unknowing lie? Had he just never been attracted to Georgie properly? Was it like when people get STIs; would he have to ring Georgie up and say, “hey, sorry to bother, I was never asexual, oops!”? He really didn’t want to have to do that. Would Martin be upset, angry that he had missed out on six months of potential sex just because Jon was…what? Prudish? Naïve? Afraid?

The worst part was that this…desire hadn’t come on all at once, he realized. He hadn’t even noticed the way his stomach would flip when Martin’s hands brushed his thighs, blaming his touch-based love language. It was in the way he stared at Martin when he couldn’t see it; eyes tracing his form and wondering what it would be like to feel every inch of him, in a way he had yet to experience. 

God he…had to tell Martin, didn’t he? He didn’t want to feel like a pervert in his own relationship, observing and imagining from afar without Martin’s knowledge. It felt…dirty.

--

Jon made dinner, nine days after the dream. Nothing extreme, tikka masala, rice, and garlic naan. Martin’s favorite. As he cooked, he vacillated between trying to plan out what he wanted to say and very-much-not-thinking about how the evening could end. The worst outcome, he imagined, was Martin storming out, betrayed and heartbroken. That…that probably wouldn’t happen. No, he knew Martin Blackwood. Better than anyone else in the world. That definitely wouldn’t happen. Lo-fi techno crooned through the speakers as Jon cooked and he let his thoughts float away with the music, trying to focus on the spices of dish he was making and not the knowledge that Martin would be home in ten-

Oh. Jon heard the shhlik of the door sliding against the welcome mat and felt his whole body tense up.

“Jon? You making dinner?” Martin’s voice was warm as he called through the entrance, he didn’t know yet what Jon was going to tell him, that it was all a lie-

“Yes!” Jon called back, determined to keep his voice light and casual. “Your favorite. Be ready in five, so get out of your work clothes.”

“Smells delicious,” Martin was behind him now, voice low against the shell of his ear. Jon felt a shiver run down his spine, to where his stomach and pelvis met and a ball of electricity crackled there, unbidden. Martin kissed the crook of his neck chastely and Jon froze, unsure how to reciprocate.

“You okay?” Martin’s chin was on his shoulder now, voice soft.

“Fine, fine. You smell like crayons. The cerulean one.” Jon nudged Martin away casually, trying to pass off a witty remark.

“Hazard of the job, I suppose. You know you love it,” Martin mercifully pulled his hands from Jon’s waist and retreated to the bedroom, and Jon exhaled in relief.

Jon plated the masala. Martin poured the wine. They sat down to dinner. Jon felt it all happen, was there for it all, but it passed in strange jerky stop-motion, and he couldn’t seem to slow it down. He couldn’t see to find the words, so elected for none at all, eating silently. Eye-contact would give away the anxiety brimming inside him, so he kept his eyes on his plate and the wine and the sleeve of Martin’s sweatshirt, anything but Martin’s warm hazel eyes that he knew so well.

“Jon.” He could hear it in Martin’s voice, the gentle prompting. He could hear the worry, the confusion. God, it was going to happen wasn’t it? He was going to tell Martin and what happened happened and he couldn’t do anything to change that. “How was your day?”

“I-ah. Martin.” He said, voice jerky, unable to find a rhythm that felt right. “I have something to tell you.” The words fell from his mouth in a tumble.

“Oh?”

“I. I had a dream?” Martin’s eyes widened and he set his fork down. “N-not one of the Eye’s dreams,” Jon reassures quickly. He really wished dreams weren’t such a theme in his life. “Not a statement dream, but a… different kind of dream.”

“I…I don’t follow.” Martin was confused, eyes searching Jon’s face.

“A dream…about you?” he tried, unable to add the words “sex dream” into his vocabulary quite yet.

“Oh. Oh!” Martin understood at last, eyebrows raised and forehead that adorable, confused wrinkle. “That’s, well, nice, I guess?” Jon’s face must have given way to his thoughts, as Martin tried again. “O-or maybe not?”

“Martin,” Jon steeled himself. “I…I think I’m maybe not asexual.” The words rang sharp in his ears, grating; they didn’t feel right. But it was true, wasn’t it? He didn’t know what sort of explanation there could be.

When Jon dared to look into Martin’s face, he saw an expression he didn’t know how to parse. Furrowed eyebrows, eyes searching Jon’s face, head cocked slightly. “Okay. Because of the dream?”

“Um-kind of? But also…” Jon felt blood rush through his cheeks, was certain the Desolation had picked now to tear its way through him, and was grateful. “I’ve been thinking a lot. About you. In-in ways asexual people shouldn’t. A-and I thought you should know, because I didn’t want you to think I was lying to you and I don’t want to be having those thoughts without you knowing because that feels rude, in a way? Like I set a boundary but have been crossing it in my head this whole time?” Tears stung the corners of his eyes.

Martin’s voice was even, level, hard to parse as he spoke. “Jon, can I ask you a question? Only because you seem upset and I want to try to help you.” Jon was frustrated. Why wouldn’t he have the decency to be upset? At a nod, Martin’s chair scraped backwards, and Jon found Martin kneeling him beside him, hands on his knees as Jon swiveled to face him. Taking his pockmarked hands in his own, Martin rubbed Jon’s knuckles slowly, tenderly.

“Have you ever felt those feelings before?” Jon shook his head meekly, certain the lump in his throat would betray him. “Have you had those feelings the whole time we’ve known each other? Like, since the Institute?”

This time, Jon shook his head. “Not-not until after we were dating. The safehouse, maybe?”

“This one’s gonna sound a little rude, Jon, but bear with me. Do you think you’ve ever been as emotionally close to anyone else as you are with me?” He squeezed Jon’s hands warmly, adding: “And I am with you?”

Jon shook his head. Of course not. Martin was something new to him, something untapped in the world. A treasure, a diamond in the rough. There was nothing that compared to their relationship.

“Jon. I don’t want to tell you how you identify, that’s not my place, but I, I think you’re still asexual.” Jon’s eyes snapped to meet Martin’s; it was his turn to furrow his brow. “After you came out to me, remember? I started looking into asexuality. I wanted to be able to impress you at Pride this summer,” Martin ducked his head, wincing at the cheesiness of his words. “But did you know there’s a bunch of subtypes of asexuality?”

What? This was news to Jon. There’s wanting sex and not wanting sex, right? He shook his head numbly and felt a comforting, grounding squeeze of his hands again.

“There was one I researched a little extra, because it confused me, and I wanted to understand the difference,” Martin continued, moving a hand to stroke Jon’s cheekbone, to guide his face to meet his. “Demisexual, Jon. It’s a subtype of asexuality, and it’s when-” Martin’s eyes rolled back in his head, as they were want to do when he was struggling to recite something from memory. “-you don’t even have to option to feel sexual attraction until an emotional bond is established. And it’s not, like, a one-to-one thing, either. There was a woman talking about her experience on a forum and she basically explained it like sex being a door, right? And the door has a padlock on it. Emotional connection opens the padlock, but you still have to open the door.”

Jon’s mouth was agape. He…there were so many things to parse out here. “You…you looked all this up for me?”

Martin’s cheeks pinked slightly. “I wanted to make sure I understood asexuality. It’s a whole subgroup of its own; it was interesting.” Martin had been a Researcher for a reason, Jon supposed dimly.

“I. I want to research for myself, but demisexuality?” He rolled the word in his mouth as he spoke. It felt nice, weighty. “And it’s still asexual?”

Martin nodded, vehemently, pulling out his phone as he spoke. “Yeah! Its flag is the same colors too, just arranged differently.” He showed him the white and grey flag, divided with a smooth purple stripe and a black triangle on the edge. “A-and, I mean, if you realize you’re not asexual, or you’re something else, you know I’ll still support you regardless, right? I don’t love you because of your sexuality, or your identity. I love you because you’re Jonathan Sims, and everything else besides that is bonus.”

Jon exhaled, feeling the Choke release the hold on his chest. “Demisexual. I…Thank you, Martin. For listening and believing me. I love you too.” He pressed a kiss to Martin’s forehead, carding fingers through the tumbled curls. “Let’s eat, and maybe you can show me that forum afterwards?”

[c-ptsdrecovery]

A lopsided relationship

A relationship with a covert narcissist will always be lopsided. You will always give them more attention then they give you.

Ask yourself: Who’s getting more attention? Who’s giving more attention?

They don’t actually want to get to know you

Covert narcissists don’t actually want to get to know you either. Even though they may have asked you lots of questions about yourself in the beginning, a lot of that was really gathering information to learn what affects you, so that they can use it to manipulate you throughout the relationship, and that will be used to hurt you much later on.

Ask yourself:

“Does this person really know me?”

“Do they really want to know me?”

“Does this person really want a connection with me?”

“Is this a mutual thing where we’re both working on this relationship?”

Like if there are issues with intimacy, do they say “Hey, I’m noticing that you’re not coming to orgasm at all. What’s going on? I really care about you. Let’s figure this out together”. That’s both of you wanting to work on it. Or do they just make you feel bad about stuff without doing anything to make the relationship better?

They don’t want you to be happy

Covert narcissists don’t want you to be happy either. They feel better when you’re not doing well or when you’re in pain. You’ll notice that when you’re happy, they get really upset. That’s when their rage just takes off and they’ll come at you with anything that they can use to control you with.

Praise is rare

Praise is rare too. I spoke to one woman who was this amazing artist who had been with her partner for years and he’d never once said anything about her paintings. So sometimes with these people it’s not what they do, but also what they don’t do. What should be in the relationship isn’t there.

Are they protective of you?

Is your partner or spouse or parent someone who is protective of you?

In a healthy relationship, the husband or wife wouldn’t tolerate someone putting their partner down. They would be the shield for them. But the covert narcissist doesn’t do that because they don’t really care about you. A covert narcissist will throw you under the bus and not care.

The world isn’t a safe place

If you have a mother or father that is a covert narcissist, you may have felt as if you weren’t protected when you were growing up, or you may have felt that you were on your own and needed to take care of yourself.

Or sometimes it can go the other way, especially with moms who are so overly involved in your life and overly protective of you, that you get the message that this world isn’t safe, and the only person you can trust is your mom. You’re never gonna make it out there on your own. It’s a very disempowering relationship.

Birthdays and holidays will be difficult

Birthdays, holidays and vacations will always be difficult, if not a disaster, with a covert narcissist. A lot of times you’ll end up crying on your birthday, but you can’t really explain why. They gave you a gift and everything seemed fine. You don’t know why you’re being so affected.

The reason for this is that narcissists always do things to turn the focus back on them. So you can’t have a day that’s about you. And if you do, they will do things to subtly ruin it.

I talked to one woman whose brother had passed away and it was the one year anniversary of his death. So she was feeling it a lot. Suddenly her boyfriend got really depressed that day. So being that she’s a caring person, she put her attention on him. So that’s the covert part.

The overt will be like:

“I don’t care about you”

“You’re too emotional”

“You’re too sensitive”

“Get over it”

The covert will suddenly become depressed so your attention will go to them.

Gifts you don’t want

A covert narcissist will give you a gift, but it’s nothing you would ever want, and then they’ll tell you a story about how much effort they went through to find it. And then you’ll get the feeling from them that you’re a difficult person, that you’re not grateful enough.

Or they’ll give you a gift but you always have the feeling that there’s strings attached.

Or they’ll give you a showy gift, maybe they’ll have a limo pull up, or they’ll surprise you with something amazing, but the thing to ask yourself is: Were there people there to watch it? If you’re with a covert narcissist, you probably can’t think of a time where it was just the two of you and they gave you an incredible gift, or a really heartfelt card, or you had a heartfelt conversation.

They resent you for being sick

When you’re sick or if you’ve had an injury or a surgery, a covert narcissist might help you, maybe they’ll bring you food, watch the kids, bring you home from the hospital etc. but you can feel their resentment of you. You can feel that they hate and despise taking care of you.

Silent rage

Covert narcissists aren’t necessarily yellers or hitters, but you can just feel the anger and rage inside of them when you’re around them just permeating the room.

You also don’t know what will anger them, what will trigger them, what will set them off, and what will make them come after you.

They’re condescending and patronizing

When a covert narcissist gives you advice, let’s say it’s a parent, they will talk down to you in a way that leaves you feeling disempowered. They’re belittling, condescending, patronizing. You feel like you can’t do it. You feel like they’re better than you. They know more than you. They’ll say things like “I’m really concerned about…” but you don’t feel that they’re concerned.

They conveniently forget on purpose

Covert narcissists conveniently forget things on purpose. So if they’re at the store and you text or call “Can you please pick up some Avocados while you’re there” they’ll reply “Sure” but when they get home “Ah, totally forgot, sorry”.

This is really common and it’s a way of gaslighting you. You feel like you can’t be angry, even though you’re frustrated, because it was an honest mistake. But the thing you’ll notice is that they’ll never go back and get it. They’ll never say “Oh, I’m so sorry. You know what? I’m going to get in the car right now and go get you some”. That will never happen.

Gaslighting

Covert narcissists will use gaslighting to get you to feel crazy, to get you to feel like something’s wrong with you. An extreme case would be a guy unscrewing all the light bulbs in the house and the wife can’t figure out why none of them are working. Then he goes and screws them all in and asks her what she’s talking about.

I talked to a man who whenever he’d recall a story to his wife “remember when we did this?” she’d say no. And then she’d say “Well who are you going to believe you with your terrible memory or me with my great one?” And even though you know that it clearly happened, you can’t imagine why this person would lie to you, so it makes you question yourself. And that’s what gaslighting does.

Michael Frank: It’s mind games to make you question your reality.

Debbie Mirza: That’s exactly it. That’s a good way to put it.

Gaslighting through sex

Covert narcissists frequently gaslight through sex too. And sex with a narcissist, like everything else, is 100% about them. It’s an incredibly selfish act.

If you feel like something’s wrong with you sexually, you maybe with a covert narcissist. I talked to so many women that were with men for decades that never orgasmed. And they had no desire for sex. And every single time they thought it was their fault. One woman said, I just came to the conclusion that I was asexual, that it just wasn’t in me.

If a guy is with a female covert narcissist he’ll feel like he’s never good enough for her. He’ll feel like he’s less than, that she’s better than him, or maybe he’ll feel if only I was only taller, shorter, this size, that size, if I did only did this better etc.

A lot of times the scenario might just be of you doing dishes and they come up behind you and put their arms around you and you just feel icky, almost disgusted, like you don’t want them to touch you, but it seems like they’re doing a nice thing, so then you feel bad, because there seems to be nothing wrong with what they’re doing.

How does your body feel?

What makes covert narcissists so confusing is nothing they’re doing on the outside seems that bad, but your body feels it. When you’re in conversations with them, you feel jumbled inside, you feel confused, you feel belittled, but they’re not yelling at you, they’re not putting you down, but you’re feeling small.

And that’s why listening to your body is so important, because your body knows that you’re not emotionally safe with this person. It knows that this is not love, this is not about you, they’re trying to get something from you.

How does your body react when you’re around them? Do you feel completely free to be yourself? Do you feel loved? It’s not about the words they’re saying cause they’ll be saying nice things to you, and about your body, and the different things you’re doing, but how do you feel?

They pit people against each other

Covert narcissists often create drama and pit people against each other, under the guise of concern.

“I’m really concerned because my brother mentioned how manipulative and controlling you are, but I don’t see it, and I’m not sure what to tell him…”

So what that does is it makes you angry at his brother. And who knows if the brother even said that? So he’s just created drama that doesn’t even need to exist. And even if it’s true that his brother really said that, he should still never say that to you, because he knows it would just affect and hurt you.

Michael Frank: An extremely passive-aggressive thing to say. Always planting that seed of doubt in you. Always chipping away at your self-esteem incrementally.

Debbie Mirza: Yeah. With the guise of “I care about you” or “I’m concerned”

Triangulation

That’s an example of triangulation, and another example of triangulation could be if he said to his brother “I don’t think she’s manipulative, I mean the other day she did this and that, but I don’t know if that’s manipulative..” So that gets his brother going “You’re not even seeing it! She’s worse than I thought!”

Another type of triangulation would be if you were talking to someone you’re dating about past relationships, and they start talking about how horrible the other person was “Oh, she was so dramatic and I couldn’t deal with this and that”, so you’re listening to this and unconsciously thinking “Okay, I shouldn’t be dramatic, I shouldn’t cry too much, I need to make sure I’m not like that” etc.

Or they might go the other way “This guy or girl at work is just amazing!” and they’ll be talking them up to make you feel insecure about yourself, but they’ll seem so innocent when they’re doing it. And that makes you feel like you have to live up to that, and what if I’m not good enough? And it seems that guy or girl is now the one I have to match or beat, so it’s very stressful.

They suck the life out of you

Covert narcissists are energy vampires that slowly suck the life out of you. You will often feel incredibly drained and chronically exhausted a lot of the time and have lots of unexplained health issues with these types of relationships.

They’re empty inside

Covert narcissists are very chameleon like, and they they will latch onto people and mirror their emotions and become like who they’re around and because of that people like them.

These people feel empty and hollow and vacant inside.

Ask yourself: Does this person have a strong sense of self?

When you look at them do you think: Who are you?

They project on to you

Covert narcissists project their issues onto you. When I was going through therapy a wise man said to me: “When a covert narcissist starts a conversation with you, you’re so wowed by how humble, how kind, and how eloquent they appear. But you don’t notice that they’re projecting their issues onto you, and then you start to take them on, and then you feel the shame and blame that really has nothing to do with you”.

[lunarmessenger]

RFA Dating Asexual MC - RFA, V, + Saeran

request sent in by @engel-katze . this is for you, angel! 

DISCLAIMER: I myself am NOT asexual and I can’t convey the broad spectrum that is asexuality. If any of my followers are asexual and feel like this does not represent them at all please let me know and I will adjust it to the best of my ability. I would hate to misrepresent anybody, and I want to make sure you all are seen and heard as accurately as possible. I love you. - luna xx

warnings: some sexual themes, but nothing too crazy.

Zen:

• He’s taken by surprise for sure

• He doesn’t understand it at first; he thought that maybe you just weren’t ready to go all the way with him yet, and he respected that

• But one night the both of you were exchanging kisses here and there and his hands started to wander and you could see his expression getting darker with need

• So you shoved him off of you and onto the floor

• “MC I’m so sorry I should have known that you weren’t ready yet I—”

• He isn’t hurt at all by your pushing away he just wants to understand

• And so you explain to him that it’s not...personal per say

• You thought that he was very handsome and if you could, you would absolutely jump his bones every second

• Though he’d never tell his ego was nice and fluffed by that reassurance

• But the thought of the act of having sex (with anybody, not just him) made you physically sick and he never made you feel bad about it once; if anything he was happy that you were communicating

• The two of you discuss maybe alternatives or different ways to both have that sexual release with each other, without any sort of act of intercourse involved so that it wouldn’t negatively effect you.

Yoosung

 • His self esteem took a rather hard hit for sure

• He thought that you didn’t even romantically like him and didn’t know how to tell him otherwise

• One night his hand was on your thigh and he started softly running his hand up and down

• You looked away from the television to look at him, noticing how his brows were furrowed from nerves as he looked at you.

• “Yoosung...?” Your voice was anxious and he could tell, but he thought that maybe if he just tried a little harder; made the first push.

• He kissed you once, and then gently placed you in his lap, and as you sat there you could feel his lower region beginning to harden

• “Oh, oh God no wait—” You hurriedly pushed yourself off, standing away from him across the coffee table as his face fell

• “Is...is it me? Am I not attractive enough? I know that I’m not rich like Jumin, or as toned and attractive as Zen, but...” His eyes started to fill with tears and you instantly felt your heart sank

• “No! Oh, God Yoosung no please...” You hurriedly ran to his lap and knelt in front of him, taking his hands in yours

• You tried your best to explain what it was and why you didn’t really want to have sex with him

• He was so relived that he cried

• He’s lowkey okay with it because while, he’s never experienced sex and he knows that he wants to have sex and experiences sexual attraction

• He’s too anxious about his performance in the bedroom to do anything anyway; he just tried initiating things because he thought that’s what you wanted

Jaehee

• Not even phased lmao

• You’d decided to tell her one night after work when the two of you were exhausted and you just blurted it out

• “I...I’m asexual, Jaehee. I don’t...I don’t feel sexual attraction.”

• “....okay.”

• That was literally it

• You were actually a little pissy that she reacted so calmly; since that’s not the reaction you usually get

• She honestly didn’t care if you wanted to have sex or not; if anything after you’d explained to her what it was she herself thought that that might be her sexuality too

• She has always been romantically attracted to women, but when it came to sex for either gender she just felt...like it was pointless. No need.

• “I think I was able to take it so easily MC is because, well, I think I am too.”

• You were okay with that. More than okay with that.

Jumin

• It was hard enough for Jumin to get a better understanding of his own emotions

• You didn’t want to overwhelm him with your sexuality, especially because of how rare it was

• One night the two of you were in bed, his hands wandering over your body as you two kissed

• You weren’t fully comfortable but you figured maybe, just maybe you could do it. For him.

• That didn’t work well at all

• “Are you sure, MC?”

• “Yes, Jumin. Go ahead.”

• “...Then why are you crying?” You hadn’t even realized until he said it, shaking your head softly as you sniffed

• “Don’t worry about it okay? Just..are you almost done?”

• “MC.” He was concerned and a little hurt, immediately pulling away as he turned on the bedroom lights

• You covered your naked body and immediately began to sob, Jumin holding you close as your body shook from how hard you were crying

• “I’m so sorry, please don’t be angry with me. I...I’m asexual, Jumin. I can’t do it I can’t—”

• “Shh, MC it’s alright. It’s okay. I just wish you’d told me sooner, darling...”

• After that night Jumin tried his best to make sure he didn’t cross any boundaries

• If he wasn’t working on paperwork from his job he was reading a book on asexuality and researching it, just to make sure he knew the ins and outs of a rather important part of you

707

• He thinks you’re joking at first when you tell him the poor idiot

• He knows that asexuality is rare and so he figured it was just another sort of prank or joke that you were trying to pull

• To be fair you were rather nonchalant about it because you figured it was important he know and that he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it like others have in the past

• So he freaks out when out of nowhere he shoves his hands down your pants with a cheeky giggle while you guys are play fighting and you immediately scream and bite his shoulder

• And I mean bite it like you drew blood from how hard you bit this man

• “Ah! MC, what the hell?!”

• “I should be asking you that! What is your problem? Don’t stick your hand down my pants you asshole!”

• You immediately ran out of the living room and slammed the bedroom door behind you, feeling embarrassed and a little violated by your own boyfriend

• While he hurriedly tends to his shoulder to stop the bleeding his mind immediately drifts back to the conversation you’d had with him towards the beginning of the relationship

• He literally wants to kms he’s so mad at himself

• He figured you two hadn’t had sex yet because you were just trying to take it slow; after all it’d only been a few months

• Now he understands

• He gave you time to calm down and after about an hour he reaches out to you

• He fiercely apologizes and promises that he will educate himself better and take you more seriously

V

• Like Jumin he’s not really familiar with the term itself

• So when you bring it up to him he’s a little embarrassed to ask so many questions to clarify what that meant for the two of you

• “Essentially, you don’t feel sexual attraction? Like when you look at me, or anybody else who you want to have sex you just don’t feel the need to?”

• “In a way, yeah. Every person who is asexual is different, but that’s how I feel about it. I personally can have sex with you I just... I won’t really want it and I don’t need it.”

• Still a bit confused but he respects your boundaries, always

• “Okay, MC. Thank you for letting me know.”

• He’s never been in a relationship like this before, and his last one was a complete train wreck

• But he’s trying

• You both establish boundaries with one another when it comes to intimacy; what he’s comfortable with and what you’re comfortable with

• It was a bit rough and took a lot of adjusting but with patience and progress the two of you ended up with a healthy and happy relationship

Saeran

• “You’re what?”

• He really isn’t trying to be an asshole, he just genuinely is surprised and confused

• He’s still dealing with his emotional and physical trauma that he went through from his childhood and Mint Eye

• The idea of having sex and being intimate with you was the last thing on his mind and you were okay with that

• At first he thought that your sexuality had something to do with your upbringing and trauma and he thought you two would be able to relate

• While you didn’t have the easiest childhood, that wasn’t why you were asexual. That’s just...the way you were. You always have been asexual you were just born that way.

• “So it’s like when you’re gay? Or bisexual?”

• “Yes precisely.”

• He understands a lot more now and he tries his best to educate himself and keep himself in line

[rosemaidenvixen]

Ugly Sweaters and Hot Cocoa

Happy Secret Santa, Merry Christmas, and Blessed Yule to @tigereyes45. You wanted something with adult asexual Krel enjoying his best life, so I wrote this little one shot with him and his fellow ace friends calling Aja to update her about his life on earth. Hope you enjoy!

@toa-secret-santa

Ao3

Krel carefully placed the laptop down on the coffee table and looked around “Everyone ready?”

Eli plopped down on the couch right next to him “Ready,”

Zoe hopped over the back and landed on Krel’s other side “All set, now we just need to wait for Douxie to get her with the--”

“Ask and you shall receive,” Douxie stepped around the side of the couch and slid the pile of DVDs onto the table before flopping back next to Zoe “Ready when you are Krel,”

“Awesome,” Krel turned and opened up the laptop, typing in the commands to establish the connection “Let’s get started,”

A few seconds later Aja’s blue face popped up on the screen.

“Hello little brother!”

“Hello Aja,” Krel greeted her with a small smile.

“Hi Aja!”

“Nice to see you,”

“How’s it going, did you get the video games I sent you?”

She held up a thin plastic box in front of the screen “Yes, thank you Zoe, but we’ll have to be quick today, I can’t talk for long, there is a meeting with dignitaries from the far territories,” 

Abruptly Aja’s figure on the screen froze, before slowly lowering the box and leaning in to squint at them “What are you all wearing?”

“Ah, well you see, today we participated in a Earth winter solstice ritual known as the ‘Ugly Sweater Party’,”

“Check it out!” Eli flipped a switch on the underside of his collar causing the Christmas tree on the front of his sweater to become illuminated with multicolored lights.

“You call that an ugly sweater?” Douxie said with a smirk “This is an ugly sweater,”

He pressed the red nose of the reindeer on his chest, causing tinny instrumental music to play. Krel and Zoe looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Douxie and Eli could be such dorks, although to be fair the snowman on Krel’s sweater shed glitter on every surface it touched, and Zoe’s sweater had so much tinsel it was hard to look directly at her. 

“Oh, excellent work, your sweaters are most hideous,”

“I know,” Krel leaned back “I don’t really understand it either,”

Aja giggled before she started, zooming closer until her face took up the entire screen “Seklos and Gaylen Krel! Is this your new house?”

Krel perked up “Oh yes, sorry I thought I already told you we moved in. We’re on the loft right now but I can show you the rest,” he stood and picked up the laptop, walking over to the landing so Aja could see down stairs “There’s the kitchen, and the living room, there’s a patio outside but it might be hard to see through the sliding doors,”

“Very lively! I will have to come over to see it the next time I am on earth,”

“Yep,” Eli said with no small amount of pride “The four Ace-cateers finally have a home base,”

Krel turned and made a face so that only Aja would see; her eyes sparkled, cheeks puffed with barely restrained giggles. He hadn’t been the one to pick out that name, Eli had, and to Krel’s eternal torment it stuck.

Asexual was the english word to describe what the four of them were. There existed no such translation in the Akiridion dialect, the closest thing would be ‘preferences’.

Some Akiridions preferred those similar to themselves, some preferred those who were more different. Some enjoyed the company of others regardless of how similar or different they were. And some, like Krel, preferred to abstain altogether.

Krel had never really needed a word to describe what he was; Aja, Varvatos, and his parents had always known his preferences and accepted them without question.

So yes, Krel had never needed the word, but being able to use it to find others that were similar to him was incredible. 

Other people that would roll their eyes with him when Steve did one of his musical calls to Aja, to complain with about how nearly everything in human society was geared towards couples.

Eli, Douxie, and Zoe were some of the best friends he could ask for during his years on earth. Even if ‘The four Ace-cateers’ was an embarrassing name.

“We just moved in last week,” Zoe said loud enough for Aja to hear even though Krel was standing across the room with the laptop “There’s still a lot of unpacking to do, but that can wait until after finals,”

“Congratulations! Are your classes going well little brother?”

“Oh yes they are challenging to be sure but I having a blast,” Krel returned the laptop to the table while sitting back down on the couch “Humans have such a complex history, and the way the carbon based life on this planet evolved is truly fascinating,”

Douxie leaned over and grinned at the computer screen “You have no idea how disappointed the engineering school was to miss out on him, there was even talk about some of them throwing him into a sack and dragging him to the engineering campus so they could force him to join,”

“Kleb that,” Krel folded his arms and leaned back “If I wanted to learn utterly basic engineering from some larvox that doesn’t even know what a Daxial array is, I would go back to high school,”

Aja giggled before turning towards Eli “How are your studies going, Ambassador Pepperjack?”

“I’m hanging in there, Mr. Strickler’s been helping with my political science classes, but learning all the different languages is hard,”

Krel grinned and nudged him with an elbow “Eli, tell her what happened your debate,”

Aja’s eyeridges rose “Debate?”

Eli blushed scarlet while the three of them started smirking “There’s nothing to tell!”

“If it is nothing why are you turning red?”

“Let’s just say Ash Dispersal Pattern, featuring DJ Kleb, made a guest appearance,” Douxie said with a sly grin.

“Is that what you call it?! There was a dragon in the auditorium!” 

Zoe held up a finger “Hey, Charlemange is a cool guy,”

“The quad was on fire.”

“I assure you, we had everything under control,”

“And the gnomes!?” Eli said indignantly, face still crimson.

Krel opened his mouth to retort, paused, shut his jaw with a click, and then opened it again “....yeah ok that was our bad, we took that one a little too far,” 

Eli covered his face and moaned

Aja’s expression was both confused and intrigued “Ok, we don’t have enough time right now, but you will definitely have to tell me the full story later,” 

Zoe nodded at her “I’ll send you the pictures,”

“Oh, that reminds me, how is your deejaying Krel?”

“Klebtastic, I’ve been doing pretty regular work at the recreation center’s party nights, and I’m going to be doing the music in town square for Arcadia’s New Years eve celebration,” 

“That’s Amazing!” she beamed at him “You know when I told the council of elders what your DJ name is they were so horrified, a few of them actually fainted,”

Krel let out a short laugh “Oh man, I wish I could have been there,”

Aja chuckled along with him for a moment when someone suddenly called to her from offscreen. She leaned over and disappeared from view for a while responding to them before quickly popping back “I have to go soon, but it was good talking to you,”

“Yes,” Krel sighed, the other three sitting back to let him and his sister say goodbye “I miss seeing you,”

“Krel I--” Aja hesitated before speaking up again “Krel...I am glad that you are happy on earth with your friends and your deejaying and your studies...but there will always be a place for you on Akiridion-5,”

Krel froze, caught off guard by the sudden heaviness in his chest and stinging in his eyes. 

His life on earth wasn’t perfect, there were pieces missing; Aja was the biggest one. But he had his friends, his town. A life outside being a prince that he’d never imagined.

Maybe one day he would want something different, but for now this was enough.

“Thank you Aja,”

Aja gave him a soft smile “You can always come back whenever you want, but I know earth is your home to,”

Someone called to her from beyond the computer again, Aja frowned sharply, standing abruptly and shouting offscreen “I will be finished soon, now would you please give me a mekron to speak with my brother in peace!”

She sat back down into view and sighed “I have to go now, but it was good talking to you, and Krel--”

“Yes, I know, I will give hugs and kisses to the oaf for you,”

“I was going to say don’t take so long to call again, but if you really want to, I can ask Steve to--”

“Flishgag no!”

“Aja! Ew!” Eli’s face was a picture of disgust.

She laughed at them through the screen, Douxie and Zoe going right along with her. 

“Take care of yourself little brother,”

“I will, and you do the same,”

She gave him a melancholy smile “Goodbye,”

Bittersweet feelings stirred in his stomach “Bye, see you soon,”

With that he pressed a button on the keyboard causing the screen to go dark.

Krel pressed the power button and shut the laptop, but not before he could see the glum look on his face reflected in the blaack screen. 

It was good to catch up with Aja, he should definitely arrange another call soon. But immediately after their calls ended was always when he felt the literal lightyears of distance between them most acutely.

He played off the swell of emotion as a shudder “Why your race chooses to express romantic affection by mushing your mouths together I will never understand,”

“Agreed,” Eli punctuated the word with a nod.

“I don’t know guys,” Douxie said “Kissing isn’t all that bad,”

“Yeah,” Zoe slid closer to him “I think I might like to do some right now,”

“Please no,���

“Gross,”

Douxie flashed them a malicious grin while pulling a smirking Zoe in closer “We’re going to do it,” he said in a sing-song voice.

“Guys, eeww!”

“If you two kiss I am throwing myself out the window,”

“Pucker up honeypie,” Zoe leaned in close, Douxie bending his head down to meet her.

Eli made gagging noises.

“The window is open and I am ready to jump!”

Zoe and Douxie were less than an inch away when Lucy suddenly popped up from behind the couch, causing Zoe to fall and Douxie to jump with a yelp.

“Nuh uh uh kiddos, no PDA in the living room. Got to be on your tip top best behavior now, Santy Claus is watching,”

Zoe got back up with a grumble “We’re grown adults in our own house,”

Lucy didn’t so much as bat an eye “How about you sports have some hot cocoa, extra whipped cream and extra marshmallows,” she held out a tray with four steaming mugs.

“...if this is a bribe I will totally take it,” Zoe reached up and grabbed one of the mugs, Eli and Douxie following suit.

Krel shut the window with a sigh of relief and walked over to accept his own mug. Zoe and Douxie would pick chocolate over making out any day; besides, if past experience was anything to go by Krel wasn’t very good at hiding his gloom at being separated from his sister, and they had only been trying to distract him.

He picked up one of the DVDs from the stack on the coffee table “Should I start the movie now?”

“Yes,”

“Definitely,”

“Fire it up,”

Krel popped the disk into the player before going back over to plop down on the couch between Eli and Douxie. Zoe picked up the box from where he set it on the table “When a big city lawyer heads home for the holidays it’s love at first sight when-- wow, they aren’t even trying anymore are they?”

“They’re the Hallmark channel,” Eli said between sips of his hot chocolate “What do you think?”

“You know, when I first arrived on Earth I thought that these movies were an accurate representation of human courtship, you have know idea how relieved I was when I learned they weren’t,”

“Yeah they are inaccurate drivel,” Douxie said as the opening credits started rolling “But they are a ton of fun to watch with my fellow Ace-cateers,”

Krel grinned and held up his mug “I’ll drink to that,”

[tokyoghoulaspecs]

Like I said in my last post, I’ve been putting more and more aspecs into my writing lately. This fic in particular is being written extremely scattered, so i have no idea when it’ll be posted, if at all. But I wanted to at least share the aspec bits I have written!

This time, it’s Hide’s segments!

(Word Count: 2200)

(Warnings for a brief scene of romance and lots of internalized aphobia/amisia)

[This takes place shortly after Dragon, while the ghouls are all still staying at the CCG]

“Um, Hide? Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Of course!”

“So, um, I was thinking about what you said...” Kaneki began.

“Which one?” Hide asked. So much had happened over the past few weeks, Kaneki could have been referring to literally anything.

“A-about... you liking me.”

“Oh.” Hide could feel his face heating up. He’d almost forgotten about his confession.

“And, I think I’d like to try? As long as that’s okay with you?”

Hide lunged and hugged him. “Of course it is!”

Kaneki hummed contentedly and hugged him back.

-

It was 3am, and Hide was awake staring at the ceiling.

He had forgotten the reason why he stopped dating in high school, why all of his relationships ended badly. Something was different about him — about his sexuality. Kaneki had just confessed and they became a couple, and already Hide could feel his feelings changing. Most people would write it off as anxiety, but Hide knew better. He’d felt this feeling before, and he knew what was happening. His romantic feelings were fading.

Hide groaned and ducked his head into his knees. “I was hoping I would be fixed by now.”

He had given up dating after he broke two people’s hearts. Two people that he had loved romantically, and even when his romantic feelings faded he still cared about, but the relationship became too much for him. Too many expectations, too many things he didn’t understand, and he had to end it. After not even a few months, going from passionate to repulsed, he unintentionally broke their hearts. And then they broke his when they screamed at him, accusing him of never loving them in the first place.

He had hoped that taking a long break from dating would fix whatever was wrong with his sexuality. He had loved Kaneki for so many years, with none of it fading, even when Kaneki went missing time and time again. Hide thought it would stay forever. But now that they were in a relationship, it was fading.

“Maybe I can hold on, and it’ll come back.” Hide said, trying to ignore the fact that he said the same thing in his prior relationships, and it had never worked before.

-

“I love you.” Kaneki whispered, nuzzling him before kissing him on the cheek.

Hide pulled away. “I can’t.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Hide shook his head. “It’s not you. It’s me.” He grimaced. “I know that sounds cliché, but its true.”

“What’s wrong? I can fix it.” Kaneki reached out to take his hand.

“It’s nothing you can fix!” Hide snapped, yanking his hand away.

“Hide…?”

Hide stepped back. “S-sorry!”

“Wait, Hide!”

“I’m so sorry.” Hide ran off.

-

Hide tried to busy himself with CCG work, which Marude was more than happy to provide. It was boring, but gave him time to think, which he really needed. And after a while, he needed someone to talk about it with.

“Hey, Marude-san…” Hide began. “What are your thoughts on queer people?”

Marude laughed.

Hide winced and continued on his work. Maybe they could just pretend he never said anything.

“So you’re saying you’re queer too, huh?” Marude asked. “I guess I shoulda known, the way you talk about that one eyed bastard.”

Hide perked up. “Too?”

“Hm?” Marude looked at him. “Yeah. You’re far from the only queer person I know.”

“Really?”

Marude gave him a look. “Nagachika, you really think everyone is straight, in the entire CCG, all these years I’ve worked here?”

“Well, no, but…” Hide trailed off.

“So what are ya, then?” Marude asked. “I noticed you said queer and not gay.”

“I’m pansexual.”

“Which one is that?”

“It’s kinda like bisexual. Usually people use it to mean more gender-blind, whereas with bisexual there’s usually some internal difference with attraction to each gender. But not all people use it that way.”

Marude hummed and nodded. Hide was glad he accepted it at face value and didn’t try to pick it apart.

“But the past few days, I’m beginning to think I’m something else…”

“What, like you’re just gay or just straight?”

“Not like that.” Hide shook his head. “Like, an additional label.”

“Transgender?” Marude guessed.

“Not trans, but you’re on the right track on how trans is an additional label on a different axis.”

“Then what label are you thinking about adding? I’m at my limit of vocab here!”

“Aromantic.” Hide said, deciding to keep it as simple as possible.

“And that is?”

Here it comes…

“Not experiencing romantic attraction.”

There was silence. Hide braced himself.

“Romantic?” Marude asked. “So, wait. Separate from sexual stuff?”

“For me, yeah. But some other aros don’t experience sexual attraction either.”

Marude hummed. He seemed to accept it, but Hide couldn’t tell what he was thinking beyond that.

“So what’s the issue?” Marude asked.

“I can’t love.” Hide whispered. “And that’s scary.”

“Eh, love’s overrated.” Marude waved him off.

Hide sighed. He was glad Marude was being so accepting, and it was really nice to hear someone not put romance on a pedestal for once, but at the same time Hide wanted some validation for his fears.

“For so long now I’ve prided myself on being loving. And now knowing that I can’t… What am I now?”

“So was everything fake?”

“No. Yes? It’s complicated.” Hide groaned.

“Look, kid. You feel how you feel. You can’t force it or change it. And that goes for everything, not just sexualities.”

“I know.”

“You’re a sweet kid. It’s overbearing to me, but I appreciate that in a world so cruel, people like you exist. And from what I’ve seen, the care you show isn’t fake.”

“The non-romantic love? That’s not fake. But the romance? The crushes and flirting? It’s not fake but… it disappears. Way sooner than it should.”

“Disappears?”

“I think I’m, like, a subset of aromantic? I get crushes but they fade after I’m in a relationship. Way sooner than it should. I’ve been in love with Kaneki for years, but now that we’re a couple, that romantic attraction is gone.”

“That’s certainly a dilemma.”

Hide scoffed. That was an understatement.

“So what do you wanna do about it?” Marude asked.

“Huh?”

“Break up, or keep it up?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then just talk to him.”

“Huh?”

“I can’t give you any advice on the romance aspect, but you two have been through things much worse than relationship drama. Just talk to the guy. Can’t be any scarier than what you’ve gone through.”

“I’d beg to differ.” Hide muttered.

Marude rolled his eyes. “Even I know he’s not gonna get pissed and eat you.”

“Of course not! That’s not what I’m afraid of!”

“Then what are you afraid of?”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” Hide whispered. “Or make him think I hate him.”

“Just communicate with him. You can’t work it out all alone. You both need to work together, or else how do you even expect your relationship to work?”

Hide sighed. “...I guess you’re right.”

-

Akira huffed as she sat down next to him. “How do people deal with it?”

Hide gave her a look. “Deal with what?”

“Crushes!” Akira said, as if it was obvious. “They’re so distracting.”

Hide chuckled. They certainly were.

“I thought one was bad enough, but now I have two! Ugh!”

“Oof. That’s rough. I’ve been there.”

“Hey, you’re allo-romantic, right? How do you deal with crushes?”

“Huh? Allo-romantic?” Hide asked. He thought he was pretty well-versed in sexuality terms, but he hadn’t heard that one before.

“It means people who aren’t on the aromantic spectrum.”

“You’re aromantic?” Hide asked. He had known she was asexual for years, but he never knew what her romantic orientation was.

“Demi-romantic.” Akira explained with a nod. “Got my first crush at 20 on a friend, and now a double-whammy of crushes #2 and #3 at 25.”

“Huh.” Hide whispered. He was 22, and it was pretty incredible to imagine only having a single crush in that much time.

Akira-san is aromantic…

“Do you know a lot about aromantic terminology?” Hide decided to ask.

“I wouldn’t say I’m an expert, but I have been researching it these past few weeks. Why? What do you want to know?”

“I’ve been wondering if I fall somewhere on there…” Hide said.

“Really?”

“I’ve actually been wondering since high school, but its come back full force now.”

“What makes you think you are?”

“I get a regular amount of crushes, I think. But they, like… fade…?”

Akira hummed in understanding and nodded. “I do recall seeing a few terms like that.”

Hide’s eyes widened. “Really? More than one? Like what?”

“Um, off the top of my head I remember Aroflux, that fluctuates. Hold on.” She pulled out her phone and typed into it.

“Maybe, but that’s a bit vague…” Hide said.

“I know Grey-romantic can be used as an umbrella term.” Akira added. “Ah, here we go! Fray-romantic means you’re only romantically attracted to strangers, and it fades as you get to know them!”

“That’s close, but it’s not that quick. Well, maybe I can use it anyway.” He knew that a lot of queer terms had a lot of grey area to them.

“Oh, and there’s also Lithromantic, that fades at reciprocation!”

“Reciprocation...?” Hide asked, his eyes widening. “That’s… That’s it…”

“Ha, really? That’s awesome!”

“I got crushes and tried to date them, but once I was in a relationship my feelings would disappear. I tried to push on and fake it, but it didn’t work out and we had to break up. Eventually I just gave up dating entirely.”

Hide sighed and held his head in his hands.

Akira frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Kaneki.”

“Kaneki?”

“We just confessed to each other and started officially dating, and I can already feel it fading.”

Akira frowned, not sure what to say.

Hide laid down. “Who’d want to date me? A person who can’t love them back.”

Akira scoffed, laying back to join him. “What about me, huh? Someone who takes forever to like you back, and even then isn’t capable of sexual attraction.”

“You like Amon-san and Takizawa-san, right?” Hide guessed.

“Yeah. So what?”

Hide turned on his side to face her. “Well, Amon-san doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to care about that. And I don’t think Takizawa-san does either. If they really love you, then I’m sure they’d be willing to find a way to meet in the middle.”

Akira sighed, considering his words. Then she gave some of her own, “You know, you and Kaneki are really close. We can all tell. And I know Kaneki, too, and how he is. I’m sure he’d accept your aromanticism. Maybe you could even be in a non-romantic relationship with him.”

Hide blinked. Akira chewed her lip. They were both silent, thinking on each other’s words.

“You really think someone would be okay having a relationship without sex?” Akira asked.

“Of course.” Hide replied. “Do you really think someone would be okay with having a committed relationship that’s not romantic?”

“Of course.” Akira replied.

-

As he talked, Hide walked around the room, taking in the tiniest of details. And then he came across small pride pins, clipped to her bag laid in the corner.

“Is that what I think it is?!” Hide cried out.

“Huh? What is what you think it is?” Kimi asked, turning around.

“That!” Hide pointed to the pin that had gradients of greens and blacks. “Is that an aromantic pin?”

Kimi’s eyes widened. No one had ever recognized it before. Hardly anyone even recognized her bisexual one. “Yeah. I’m aromantic.”

“Wow.” Hide muttered. “And I know the bi one, but… what’s this other one?” He pointed to the one on the other side of the aromantic pin, the one with stripes making a gradient from pink to green.

“It’s aroflux.” Kimi said. “I fall in the grey area of the aromantic spectrum.”

Hide untensed his shoulders. “You know… I think I do, too.”

“Really?”

“I’m Lith-romantic, I’m pretty sure.”

“Neat! It’s always exciting to meet more aromantics!”

“You know others?”

“Nishiki-kun is arospec too. And I’ve helped a few other people question.”

“Nishio-senpai is too?! You’re in a relationship with another aromantic?! That’s amazing!”

“Tell me about it! It was just a coincidence! He didn’t know he was aromantic before I told him about aromanticism! Although, in hindsight I guess it explains why we fit so well together. We both have very complicated feelings on romance, that our previous partners never were able to grasp.”

Hide felt warm and happy, a sense of comfort and kinship coming over him. He often had a lot of internalized dislike of his aromanticism, but it was really nice to talk to someone who was similar — someone else who was on the aromantic spectrum.

Whenever he talked to other people — other allo-romantics, was the term Akira had used — they never grasped what he was trying to explain and always blew it off. As much as he liked people and socialized, he always felt a heavy disconnect from them.

And it suddenly dawned on him. He knew three arospecs so far, and Kimi had implied more.

[project-ohagi]

Dabi x Reader

Buy me a coffee!! <3

Greyromantic: Can experience romantic attraction, but weakly or infrequently; feeling alienated from romance; only feeling attraction in specific circumstances.

Asexual: Having little/no sexual attraction or interest in sexual activities.

Questioning: Process of exploration regarding gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity.

----

The phenomenon of love is a complex, chemical concoction that has long been weaved into the fabric of our society. It is presented as a requirement, with those who find the concept either too challenging to thoroughly comprehend, or lacking in appeal, branded as anomalies. In its pursuit of normality, it quickly alienated those whose hearts just couldn't conform. In a different society, one not quite so dominated by this 'normality' of romantic and sexual interests...you might be forgiven for your limited knowledge. But this one...it seems to blanch at the very idea that happiness can be attained in the absence of romantic attraction.

As such, those identifying along the Aromantic or Asexual spectrums are often overlooked - even shunned. But, the greatest truth of it all is a lot simpler than you may expect: an emotion as profound as joy cannot be induced solely by succumbing to carnal desires, or tasting the lips of another. No...it is through self-acceptance, and the acceptance from those for whom your heart beats - parents, siblings, friends...and perhaps in this manner, the meaning is amplified.

But...what happens when you are forced into complacency, into setting aside your own interests, to 'further evolution', or to 'finally be normal'?

You were still trying to figure this out.

Who were you...really? Why couldn't you summon an emotion as free and universal as love?...Romantic love? Why did it seem so incomprehensible, so...intangible? These were the thoughts you battled with, every waking moment. They burrowed deep into your mind, so that you could never pull them out. They were elusive, yet...constant, nagging.

Why am I so different? Everyone else has crushes...even Toga likes that one UA boy! Ah, yeah...she asked me if I have someone I love. I just said "No". Saying: "I don't even know what 'love' is" seems a bit...she'd definitely call me weird. Then the others would probably laugh at me...

You felt...incomplete, like a jigsaw puzzle with only half the pieces. You felt the isolation, suffocating you. It hadn't been a conscious decision. You didn't awaken one morning and think 'You know what? This whole 'love' thing? It just isn't for me! ' You craved a connection, a bond of some kind - holding hands...a hug at most. Anything more was frightening to imagine. What if someone...pressured you? Or stole a kiss, as an offhanded action? You couldn't bear it...not even the mere thought. It was likely the main contributor to your chronic anxiety and paranoia. Your treatment at the hands of society, the ridicule and the fear of phrases such as "It's just a phase!" or, "You need to find the right person!"...they fuelled the flickering spark of villainy in your eyes.

After all, outcasts and monsters are interchangeable to most common folk.

But you didn't want those labels. You were a lost lamb, wandering aimlessly - what you really needed was guidance...someone who would listen and advise, someone who would accept you and every burden you carried, without question or quandary. But you said nothing...so you got nothing in return. Dabi was the closest to a...a source of strength? Motivation?...Potential love interest? But...how would you ever truly know? How could you discern the romantic from the platonic? It seemed impossible - simply a waste of time. Still, you never fully resigned to this fate of...loneliness.

You wanted to cherish, and to be cherished.

You wanted to love, and to be loved.

Perhaps it was the unyielding voice of fear, of desperation and pain, but...you just didn't know! You didn't know...and, it was difficult. You studied Dabi's face, and while nothing immediately heated your cheeks, he wasn't...unattractive. Aha! Maybe that was love? Alas, you discovered it to be more aesthetic attraction. It was a little disappointing, but perseverance should've been the key, right...?

Why? Why do I feel so little? Dabi is there for me, right? So surely if anyone, I should love him!...Do I love him? How can I tell? Is there some sort of test? How would a test even be administered? What kind of questions would I have to answer? I don't think I could answer them, even with study. If I'm struggling so much now...

And anyway...Dabi was a dominant male, whose sexuality was unclear. Even if you managed to settle on a definition of 'love', and figure out what role it played in your life...there was no guarantee that Dabi would want you. The jury was still out, on your gender - 'questioning' was your placeholder for the moment. But, you usually dressed masculine...would he be okay with someone so indecisive? Someone who might be neither male nor female? And, what if...what if he wasn't the one?

Say I can find love, and I start to understand it...who's to say that the person I love will be Dabi? It could be anyone! Maybe they were right, and I just haven't met the right person...but, I kind of want it to be Dabi? Is that...bad? Oh god, it sounds so selfish! He'll just be tied down, and if we find out that I don't actually love him...what would he do? At the very least, he'd be angry...

Dabi...the more you recalled his honey-laced voice, all the flirting you failed to notice until it was pointed out (clearly, he was doing that in jest), and those blue eyes (steely from years on the run, that probably depleted the pools of guilt and regret often accompanying mass killings, thievery and other criminal acts), the more confusion festered. You just didn't understand! Was it love? Or was it conversion? Were you trying to become 'normal'? Well, as normal as a villain could be...? Or did Dabi really mean something...something greater than you believed? Something...beyond what you currently knew?

This journey of self-discovery had approached a torturous junction.

Why were relationships so sought after, so expected? Even you desired one. How else could you ever hope to form a deep bond, or receive that fabled 'feeling of ecstasy' from holding hands or hugging? If there was no romance, mainstream media would lead you to the conclusion that there isn't a 'proper' or 'deep enough' connection - there can't be. You wanted to experience these things with Dabi. No-one else. You couldn't explain why. He was...an unusual character, mysterious and with perhaps a similar level of complexity as the daunting questions you were asking yourself. But mentioning your plight to him simply wasn't an option. Villains were responsible for themselves; the League was nothing more than a safety net.

Besides, Dabi was heartless.

...Or so he liked to be portrayed.

Urghhh...why is this so complicated? How am I supposed to know if I love him? The signs are...increased heart rate and blood to the face, right...? That seems unhealthy...is that actually supposed to be a good thing??

"Hey, you stopped spacing out yet, (V/n)?"

Shit! No, no, no! I haven't finished spacing out!

Sheepishly, you turned in the direction of the voice. Why did Dabi always seem to materialise out of thin air, whenever you thought about him? Did you magic him here, by accident? Subconsciously? However you managed that...you hated it. Your existential crisis really didn't need a spectator. Break out the popcorn, why don't you?

Can't I have a break down in peace? Wait...am I even in my room?...Did I seriously question my entire existence right here in the bar? It's a good thing there's no-one else here...I don't need more people telling me that I'm crazy...

You sighed. "...Yeah."

His brows furrowed - this was unfamiliar territory. Helping people had never been his speciality, especially given his own trauma . But for you...it was certainly worth a shot. "What's up? You on your man-period or something?"

Off to a spectacularly dreadful start. "I - I don't know if I'm a man, though...how could I-"

"Relax, it was a joke. Your pronouns are they/them, right? I'm not gonna call you a man just for the sake of argument. Nah...Hey, scoot over." A for effort.

"You could sit literally anywhere else."

He smirked. "You gonna stop me, sweet-cheeks?"

Sweet...?

"Thought not. Anyway, what's going on? You've been all doom-and-gloom for the past...two hours." He motioned over to the clock.

Had you honestly spent so long in contemplation? Gods, you could've unlocked the secrets of the universe, but no. "I've...kinda been asking myself that."

"Oh?" It was obviously a prompt, but talk of your romantic inclination (or lack thereof) would likely be regarded in the realm of 'stupid' and 'childish', so...could really you trust him?

I've always been too nervous to take risks...Guess now's as good a time as any to change that.

You swallowed down the uncertainties, the anxiety and everything in-between. They didn't help - they only hindered. And...you did need to release this burden, that weighed you down so heavily.

"Um...it's - it's...confusing. Really...confusing. I guess, I simple terms: I don't know what 'love' is. I know it probably sounds really dumb to you, and I feel stupid for even saying it, but...I've never...never had a crush, never been in love. I don't...I don't feel anything romantic towards, well...anyone!"

"Not even a bit?" He asked, blank-faced.

"I - I don't know. I really want to, though. I'm just...I'm scared. There's always this underlying fear of...what if - what if someone forces me? Y'know? What if...I date someone, and they can't accept that I'm different...that I might never feel anything for them? I don't want to be lonely forever, Dabi! I want someone, I really do! I say I've never been in love, but...the truth is, I just don't know! I know that I don't need to kiss someone. That's what I...what I don't want, but...I - I still want to hold hands with someone! I'd still like a hug, every once in a while...I don't know what I'm doing, or really...who I am."

For a few moments, he was silent beside you, just drinking in the flood of information. He refrained from reaching out, or gazing too intently. It took time to settle on an appropriate response. "You're looking at it as an issue, though - something you've gotta resolve, before you can move on. I'm not the best with advice, trust me...but I can tell you that it's a journey. It'll continue and evolve, as long as it needs to. You'll...probably know when you're ready, or...something. All that sappy crap. You don't have to force yourself to understand it all now."

I'll know...?

"When I'm...ready?" You repeated, eyes tracing the lines on your palm.

"Yeah...probably."

Just before you lost all coherency, a single thought fluttered to the forefront of your mind: My heart...just...skipped a beat?!

[Word Count: 1775]

[starlene]

Some more therapy complaints to cleanse my brain, because sadly enough, I feel like venting about this on my blog is more useful than actually going there.

As I’ve been mentioning, I’ve been going to therapy that’s supposed to help me deal with my burnout, and lately, I’ve became really disillusioned with it.

I’ve been trying to be patient, since everyone says it takes time. I also don’t know much about therapy in general, so I can’t say what ideal therapy is even supposed to be like. But a while ago, it hit me I don’t feel like it’s been of any use to me. (Sure, I feel less burnt out than last year, but I attribute that to things like being in a different situation in life, and being on the right medication.) And I don’t know about you, but I think when you do something for nine months straight, you should have something to show for it.

(Sidenote: I know changing therapists is an option, and it’s one I’m going to look into. The state supported system here, however, is a bit of a mess – so while I’m truly grateful I don’t have to pay the whole bill for this nonsense myself, it’s also way easier said than done to find anyone else. To be quite honest, I hope my doctor soon deems me healthy enough to not qualify for the support anymore, I feel so done with this.)

I’m going to write about two incidents here that irritate me especially, and then I’ll try to shut up about this and focus on something more productive.

1. Some weeks ago, I mentioned I was excited because someone I knew had been in touch, and I was glad to hear from them. The therapist went “man or woman”, I went “man”, and she immediately went “do you have a crush on him :) :) :)”

The thing is, the one single time crushes had been mentioned in therapy before was when the therapist asked me if I dated any boys in high school, and I said I’m asexual so dating’s never been one of my priorities. I’ve also mentioned I’m asexual in some of the gazillion forms she’s made me fill.

And obviously, saying you’re asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you also identify as aromantic – but as far as the therapist knows, I’ve never had a single romantic thought in my life (and tbh, I sincerely doubt she even knows the difference.) Also, as far as the therapist knows, the guy in question is my estranged uncle, since the only detail I offered is that he’s indeed a man. But hey, I guess it’s the 19th century in here all of a sudden, and if a ladyperson receives a missive from a gentleman, an engagement should be announced by the end of the week, lest she be branded a harlot!!

Made me feel like the therapist doesn’t even listen to what I say. Extra pissed off because I know if I had said it’s a woman, she would’ve just said it’s nice I have friends who stay in touch with me.

2. Once, she made me spend like 20 minutes justifying my mother’s actions back when she was taking care of her two elderly relatives while I was in my teens. Pissed and still pisses me off to absolutely no end.

The thing is, when I was a teen, my mom had a pretty hard time with said relatives – but she did it because she felt it’s the right thing to do. I think she did the right thing, too. Was it easy for my family? Not necessarily. Do I feel I was treated unfairly because of it, or do I even think about the whole issue anymore, since it’s soon been ten years since both relatives died? Not at all.

But the therapist just goes on and on and on, asking me why she did it, could she have done otherwise, but why, but could she? And implying that because my mom was so busy with the relatives, she must’ve neglected poor little me :) :) :)

And I’m just... No. Piss off.

I understand that when people have real trauma, sometimes, they might not fully understand it or want to admit it to themselves, but this? Really? First of all, my dad is also very much a part of my life and always has been, so it wasn’t like I was practically orphaned because my mom happened to have other priorities for a while – and secondly, I’m not traumatised by any of this. I hate that the therapist was even trying to put the thought into my mind. Every single person has happy and sad, easy and hard times in their life, that was a hard time for my family, and that’s just how life is sometimes. Besides, why on earth do I have to explain my mother’s actions, why she did X and could she have done Y? It was her personal decision, not mine.

There! I’ve tried raising the issues I have with the therapist, and she just tells me these things take time and it’s important to talk about all this and it all comes to play later on. Well, eagerly looking forward to that magic moment where all this transforms into an improved understanding of work-life balance that helps me to keep burnout and all related issues in check from now on.

P.S. Also that time when we were discussing physical exercise, I said I’m proud of going for a walk every day since April, she said it would be beneficial to look into other forms of exercise, I said I know I should exercise more but I’m still proud of what I’ve achieved and want to focus on keeping it up, and she went ah, but why do you think you should exercise more? Don’t know, maybe because you said so literally five seconds ago?? Now watch me walk out of here.

[the-kiwi-is-not-a-pewee]

Emmy.

This is a callout post about discord user emmy, known for now as @eurydices-flower on tumblr, and her nasty behavior regarding her joining and then leaving a specific Riordanverse fan discord server. I don’t usually make callout posts but this needs to be addressed since she has vagueposted about my friends and been rude to them over DMs. I don’t believe she should be allowed to run around and make accusations, especially with people not able to find part of the story due to it being over private messages. So, with the permission of the friend whom she sent DMs to, I will outline her brief stay in the server and the aftermath.

It’s time you heard our side of the story.

Emmy (which is how I will be referring to her for the duration of this post), joined the Trials of Apollo (ToA) server on July 6th, 2020.

For the sake of chronicling how we know that she is also @eurydices-flower on tumblr, she says as much in her self-introduction in the #introduction channel of the server.

Emmy was in the server for less than 24 hours, before leaving voluntarily with seemingly no explanation. Naturally, we were confused and one of our own reached out to emmy on her tumblr blog to ask why she left. I blacked out the profile picture and url of my friend’s blog for the sake of their own privacy.

Let us go over this, piece by piece.

“yeah i’m alright i just realized constant negativity wasn’t rlly my game at the moment and i don’t necessarily have the headspace to ever deal with that.”

That is fair, she is encouraged to look after herself and her own mental state first. If she felt like leaving was the best course of action to take for the sake of herself, then she should not be judged for that. And it’d be perfectly fine if she left it at that! But, of course, I wouldn’t be making this post if she did.

“everyone’s entitled to be everyones own opinion but to bash other people you don’t even know for having opinions was too much for me to handle. a lot of those blogs are good friends of mine and it truly is disrespectful to harp on anyone for having different opinions but go around and spread negativity when others don’t agree with with that opinion.”

Regarding the first part, “everyone’s entitled to be everyones own opinion but to bash other people you don’t even know for having opinions was too much for me to handle”, there’s nothing wrong with this statement as it is on the surface-level. She is expressing that she personally does not want to partake in that particular kind of discourse. That is fine, she is not obligated to in any way, shape, or form. Though I do have a comment or three about the statement before we move on.

She could have muted the specific channel where that kind of discourse was taking place, which as far as I’m aware she never did. The ToA server has 2 specific channels for pjo discourse because members were uncomfortable with it being spread sporadically throughout the server, thus those two channels were made to contain discourse. If she was truly made uncomfortable by what she stated, she could have rectified that problem herself instead of leaving. But, after all, it was her choice to make in the end.

“but to bash other people you don’t even know for having opinions was too much for me to handle”Uh, welcome to tumblr Emmy? I don’t know if Emmy meticulously vets her tumblr experience so that she literally never encounters people bashing other people they don’t even know for their opinions, but it makes it a rather ironic statement considering tumblr’s reputation and that she has a tumblr blog. Heck, it’s not even unique to tumblr, it’s more of a social media thing. I can only postulate that maybe it made her more uncomfortable in a more confined and private space like a discord server, but I cannot be sure. Given she joined at the height of the Ace! Reyna discourse and the “opinions” she’s referring to are likely the aphobic rhetoric spouted by people who were astonishingly upset that Reyna was not a lesbian, I personally am rather uncomfortable that she dumbed it down as if it were merely “having an opinion” and not an attempt to invalidate ace representation in a mainstream media book series just because they were upset that they hadn’t gotten exactly what they wanted.

She retrospectively made herself a hypocrite. I’ll put a pin in this for now and we’ll come back to it.

“A lot of those blogs are good friends of mine and it truly is disrespectful to harp on anyone for having different opinions but go around and spread negativity when others don’t agree with that opinion.”

There’s quite a bit to unpack here just in this one sentence. First of all, no one in the server knew she was acquainted with any of the blogs we were discoursing about. She never stated such at any point prior to this point. We didn’t know, and thus we could not even consider accommodating her before she left in this regard.

I’ve already expressed my own views on her dumbing down people spouting aphobic rhetoric to them merely having “different opinions”, but the server was not “spreading negativity” unless you define “negativity” as calling out people for their aphobic rhetoric and frankly disrespectful treatment of Reyna as a character as a whole. It’s not as beautiful and simple as “others don’t agree with that opinion” when said opinion promotes aphobia and tries to claim that lesbian Reyna somehow cannot peacefully coexist with asexual Reyna.

“I mean no disrespect to anyone in that server when saying that or this but i just truly hope you all emotionally grow as people one day and learn to be more respectful <3 <3”

This… whole line has the basic energy of “No offense but *proceeds to say something offensive*”. Emmy basically went, “I mean no disrespect but *proceeds to say something disrespectful*”. It’s especially rude that she told us that she hopes we “all emotionally grow as people one day and learn to be more respectful <3 <3” when she was the one that came into the server in the first place. Furthermore none of us owe our respect to the people that got so mad over a fictional character not being exactly what they wanted that they have to belittle and attempt to downplay ace representation. It’s not Emmy’s place to tell us to “emotionally grow” and “learn to be more respectful”, especially when in the aftermath she doesn’t put her money where her mouth is.

“Blacked out user: Ah I see. If I may ask, what differing opinion were you being bashed for?

Emmy: not me personally but to see the rr crit circus chat (Note: one of the discourse channels) filled with other people doing it to people not even IN the chat was what bugged me”

Has emmy never been in a discord server with a discourse channel? This is a legitimate question, because this is not behavior unique to the ToA server. All of the servers I’ve seen with channels specifically for discourse have done this. This isn’t some kind of uniquely shitty thing that the ToA server does that we should be morally ashamed of, especially when something similar goes on with people on tumblr posting screenshots of tweets.

“but also when i entered and said i didn’t have opinions on litpollo or medea and i was immediately kinda made fun of for it didn’t make me feel good, as well as saying i was ace and ppl going “oMG the LESBOPhObIa. again i hope y’all just grow emotionally and mentally <3”

Here’s what happened (different colored bars mean different users):

Now, despite the fact that the “r u human” in response to Emmy saying she doesn’t ship litpollo and the “i bet u r not ace u r just LESBWEEN CODED” are jokes, I do understand why those statements made Emmy uncomfortable. Emmy was a newcomer and not acclimated to the sense of humor of the server and to basically shove her the butt end of it was not fair to her. The latter joke especially would be difficult to swallow if Emmy didn’t know that an inside joke of the server at the time was mocking the people who insisted that making Reyna ace was a lesophobic act on Rick’s part despite Trials of Apollo as a series having three lesbian major characters (Emmie, Jo, and Lavinia). 

In simple terms, I agree with my friend’s reply and the apology they gave on the server’s behalf. Emmy did deserve that apology. Doesn’t make the “i hope y’all just grow emotionally and mentally <3” any less rude or unwarranted though.

As far as any of us were aware, this was the end of it. Emmy was a bit rude but we had our closure and as far as any of us knew the ToA server and Emmy had parted ways. And then this happened.

This post has since been deleted by Emmy herself, but before it disappeared it was archived by myself and other friends reblogging to respond to it.

It doesn’t name myself or any of my friends directly, but since we were quite vocal about calling people out for their aphobia when Reyna was revealed to be ace, it is assumed we were the target of the post or are at least part of the group that is the target for the post. If it is indeed the former it seems Emmy is vagueposting about us. Even if it’s not specifically about us, it’s not a good look for Emmy. Let’s parse this apart.

“funny how the people yelling aphobia when it came to Reyna were dead silent today when Rick went on twitter and was blatantly racist and disrespectful”

There’s several reasons why people weren’t addressing Rick’s tweets that day. Some of us don’t use twitter/don’t follow Rick on twitter. Some of us don’t check the #rickriordan tag or other tags like it. Some of us have other main fandoms that are not pjo. Some of us don’t follow blogs that reblogged the tweets and the responses to the tweets, or hadn’t reblogged them yet. Some of us might want to first watch the responses to the tweets because we are not Cherokee, Muslim, or educated enough about those topics beforehand and not dig ourselves into a hole. Just saying, just because we didn’t give an immediate response doesn’t mean we didn’t care.

“funny how they only care about representation when it applies to them and them alone”

Does Emmy know that plenty of non-ace people were defending ace Reyna? If she wants an example, I’m a bisexual woman and I’ve been vocal in my defense of ace Reyna. So her logic that “they only cared when the rep applied to them and them alone” falls apart.

“funny how they only cared Reyna was ace because it gave them the opportunity to harrass the lesbians who were hurting”

I don’t condone harassment but calling them out for their aphobic behavior was not harassment. They couldn’t express their hurt without belittling asexual representation and lacking so much self-awareness that they couldn’t realize how aphobic they were being. I’m sorry that they don’t have my respect for that- actually, you know what, I’m not sorry for it. They literally chained themselves to the concept of Lesbian Reyna and would not accept anything else, that’s their own fault. Just because you’re hurt doesn’t give you the excuse to be an asshole to other LGBTQ+ people that did get representation.

"it’s almost,,, almost like you don’t actually care about these characters or color! that you just want the opportunity to clown and be bullies and abusive”

This is a very rich statement considering those “hurting lesbians” she referred to didn’t care about Reyna as a character. They only cared about Lesbian Reyna and nothing else. Some of them mixed up ace and aro showing stunning ignorance on the difference between asexuality and aromance. And now they’re playing victim because they got called out.

“if you want marginalized groups like asexuals to be represented, where’s your energy for pipers representation and characterization? samirah? where’d it go?”

Heroes of Olympus has been out for years. There have already been posts on tumblr before detailing the flaws in how Rick wrote Samirah and Piper, it’s not a new phenomenon. It just had a resurgence recently. Heroes of Olympus is old news so it’s not as fresh and hot as it was when it first came out so of course while discussions over the representation in it are still going on it has mostly calmed down until recently.

“i see you. i’m watching you. you said nothing. not a single word. not even a messy reblog of one (1) post about piper or sam. dead. Silence.”

Emmy gets a little creepy here and slightly stalkery. She doesn’t like us yet she’s watching our blogs? I guess the Blog Police is here. If you don’t reblog discourse posts about how Samirah and Piper were represented you’ll be arrested and pegged as a racist.

No one is obligated to reblog posts about Samirah and Piper. It’s not reflective of their feelings towards Piper and Sam. it’s THEIR blog and they are not obligated to reblog what others want them to. I hate to break it to Emmy but she can’t force people to reblog the stuff she wants to see.

“i don’t care if you think you ‘shouldn’t have a voice in this’ bc ur white or smth. there’s a difference between spreading posts about this terrible situation and trying to butt in with ‘i’m white but here’s my opinion’“

And here we finally circle back to the retroactive hypocrite point I put a pin in earlier. Here’s a refresher: “everyone’s entitled to be everyones own opinion but to bash other people you don’t even know for having opinions was too much for me to handle. a lot of those blogs are good friends of mine and it truly is disrespectful to harp on anyone for having different opinions but go around and spread negativity when others don’t agree with with that opinion.”

And yet she bashes people she doesn’t know and spreads negativity for… possibly having a different opinion than the ones going around right now or not interacting with it for their own personal reasons. Also not everyone who didn’t immediately jump on the Samirah/Piper rep analysis reblogs were white. Assuming people are white will eventually bite you on the ass.

After that post, she continued vagueposting on her own blog.

I seriously doubt she was sent an anonymous death threat because a friend of mine checked her account earlier that same morning she made that post and the Anon feature was turned off. Then, in the evening, she posted about having an Anonymous death threat sent to her without any proof. I’m not saying it’s not possible nor do I condone death threats, but I do have reason to disbelieve her.

IF she is still referring to her brief stay in the ToA server as that “scenario”, then she neglects to say that she did not tell anyone that she was uncomfortable until after she left. We are not mindreaders, we cannot tell when every single person we talk to is uncomfortable. So it can at least partially be held against you, Emmy, for a failure to communicate with us.

And finally, the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.

This DM was sent to a friend of mine, the same friend that reached out to Emmy following her departure from the ToA server. I can only assume that the post she is referring to is the one I covered earlier, prior to the “anon death threat” post. Let’s parse through this again.

“hi love! i noticed you unfollowed me around the time i made my post calling you and other’s silence on piper and samirahs blatant mistreatment today.”

Wow, you know what, scratch what I said earlier about assuming that the post was directed at me and my friends, Emmy basically confirmed it from her own mouth. Nice to get the ambiguity out of the way right off the bat. Also she’s seriously DMing my friend just because they unfollowed her? And assuming it was because of the post? She can’t definitively connect the two dots but if that was indeed the reason my friend unfollowed her I certainly can’t blame them. Especially given that this was Emmy’s response.

“i hope you realize you’re blatantly racist and just all around a terrible person for harping on the wlw community for being upset about their bad representationk because you had ace representation but don’t use the same energy for the people hurting that they don’t have native or muslim representation.”

It’s spelled “representation”, Emmy. Also the pjo wlw community was upset that REYNA was NOT a LESBIAN, not that they had bad representation. That was their whole salt. As a wlw myself, being upset about bad representation doesn’t give you an excuse to put down ace representation which a lot of them were doing. They have THREE lesbian characters in Rick’s books so far.

Also I thought the issue Emmy took with us was that we weren’t reblogging posts breaking down Rick’s tweets or pointing out the flaws in Samirah and Piper’s portrayal in the books. And now she’s talking about posting about people hurting because they don’t have Native American or Muslim representation? Which is it Emmy, you are sending mixed signals.

“i hope you educate yourself and realize you and the entire community that kept their silence are truly acting terrible right now. thank you.”

This is… extremely rich coming from the asexual who implied she has aphobic friends. I hope she educates her friends and realizes her and the entire community who bashed the choice to make Reyna asexual are truly acting terrible right now. Though given how she put the wlw on a pedestal and turned a blind eye to how aphobic they were acting I don’t have hope. The hypocrisy when she says that my friend is “truly acting terrible right now” when my friend dared to just unfollow her.

And that is how I will close this. She is still posting about the server on her own blog but that is everything major that has happened so far. On behalf of my friend, don’t harass emmy or send her death threats. I may not respect her, but I certainly don’t condone harassment or death threats. 

She is only 15, according to her own blog, but it does not excuse her behavior towards my friends. Being a minor doesn’t exclude you from being a shitty person.

[anyarally]

Defective Robot

Sanders Sides Fanfiction Virgil X Logan (Analogical), Virgil X Roman (Prinxiety), Logan has Hanahaki for Virgil 4,812 Words   Ao3 Link

Logan Connaissance and Virgil Angoisse had been best friends since seventh grade, but they started to drift apart in freshman year. Why? Because Virgil started dating the only guy who managed to be a theatre kid and a jock, Roman Prince. Roman was nice to Virgil, but he and Logan absolutely hated each other. They disagreed on just about everything, the only thing they had in common was the jelly brand they enjoyed.

Logan Connaissance and Virgil Angoisse had been best friends since seventh grade, but they started to drift apart in sophomore year. Why? Because Virgil started dating the only guy who managed to be a theatre kid and a jock, Roman Prince.

Roman was nice to Virgil, but he and Logan absolutely hated each other. They disagreed on just about everything, the only thing they had in common was the jelly brand they enjoyed.

The longer Roman and Virgil dated, the more confused Logan became about his feelings. He thought he had never felt love, but the research he was doing led him to believe he was feeling it currently towards Virgil. He had no idea if this love was platonic or romantic, but one thing he knew for sure was that he was going to ignore it.

One day in sophomore year, Logan and Virgil were going through the lunch line together, as they always did, when Virgil piped up, “Hey, Lo?”

“Yes, Virgil?”

“Do you think we could maybe sit with Roman today? I know it messes up your routine and is probably annoying and frustrating but I-”

“Virgil,” Logan made eye contact and stopped walking, “you’re spiraling. I would greatly enjoy spending lunch with you as well as Roman.” Logan knew he shouldn’t lie, but this was the only way.

Virgil let out a breath of relief, “Oh thank god. Awesome, his usual table is this way.”

They walked to the table and the conversation going on was about sexuality and LGBTQ+, and they were sharing their identities.

Virgil sat down next to Roman, Roman snaking an arm around his waist. Virgil blushed but did nothing to stop it.

Since they were already sharing, they decided to go around the table and say their names too.

“Roman, gay. Duh.”

“Virgil, asexual and gay-romantic”

“Virgil, it’s homoromantic.”

“I know, but gay-romantic is better.”

Logan sighed, “Logan, asexual and panromantic.”

“Patton, pan!” Patton grabbed his backpack and pointed to a button on it with a picture of a frying pan. Logan stared at him for a moment before sighing.

“Janus, gay.”

“Remus! Roman’s aro-ace brother!” Remus cackled as everyone gagged at his inside out eyelids, excluding Logan.

Janus groaned, “It’s not like we’re eating or anything!

Roman pushed Remus so he fell off the bench, laughing the whole way down. “Hey, I’ve got an idea! Once we’re done eating we should help draw pride flags on each other’s hands!”

As lunch went on, Logan was able to participate (sometimes with Virgil’s help), keep up with the conversation, and even laugh! He’s always had trouble making friends, Virgil had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. He had trouble keeping up with conversations because he usually found them uninteresting and zoned out, reading, writing, or just thinking if he couldn’t do those. He actually couldn’t remember the last time he laughed about anything other than something he learned or something Virgil told him.

Only as he was walking home, ace flag on one hand and pan flag on the other, did Logan’s smile fall for good. He had just split off from Virgil, walking down the street to his house.

He opened the door, calmly stating, “I’m home. What would you like for dinner?”

“Oh honey, you don-”

“Shut up! Don’t you know what kids are for? Especially fucking defective ones like him!” Logan just stared as his father gestured to him with a beer bottle. “Fucking robot. Go make us some spaghetti. You don’t get any tonight.”

Logan’s mother just sadly watched, too frightened to intervene.

“Yes, sir.” Logan nodded at his father. As soon as the giant burly man flopped back down on the couch to drink and flip channels, Logan quickly but calmly went into the kitchen and started boiling the water.

His mother eventually came in and sat down, adjusting her taped-together glasses as she softly said, “I’m so sorry, Logan.”

“I know, mother.”

“I’m so sorry for everything, I just don’t know what to do, I just-”

Logan went over and gently touched his mother’s shoulders, “Mother, it’s alright. Next year, I’ll be able to get a job and-”

“But you shouldn’t have to! I should be able to speak up to my husband and get us out of here but I can’t !” She broke down sobbing, muttering “I can’t” over and over again under her breath.

Logan awkwardly rubbed her back for a few minutes before sighing and going back to making dinner.

At the dinner table, while Logan was dishing out the food, his father noticed something. Before Logan could sit down, his father yanked his hand towards him, already bruising Logan’s wrists.

“What the hell is this, Lo-bot? You some kind of fancy fag?!”

“I-I apologize, sir, it was for a project, they don’t mean anything-”

“No, no, no, I recognize these from those fucking inclusivity,” his father used air quotes, “posts on Facebook and those buttons on kids’ backpacks! You are a fag! I thought you didn’t have the capability for emotions, much less love! Not that it matters,” he stood up, dragging Logan by his wrists with him, “all you teens are just making it all up anyway!”

Logan barely resisted the multiple ‘um, actually’ moments as to not anger his father further, wrist bruises were already hard enough to hide.

“Nothing to say now, huh? Typical.” He slammed Logan’s head on the counter, Logan’s mother’s sobbing increasing volume in the background.

Logan’s eyesight was getting fuzzier and fuzzier, but he could tell his glasses were cracked. “Father, please, I-I have a t-test tomorrow, I can’t call in s-s-sick…”

Logan’s father gave a hardy laugh as he increased pressure on Logan, “Classic Lo-bot, only focused on school,” he lets his son go and pushes him in the general direction of his room, “Whatever, asshole. Go fix yourself up for your precious school !” he laughed and sat down to eat his spaghetti.

Logan staggered to his room, once inside getting his mirror and first aid kit out to assess the damage. He had a black eye, split lip, bruised wrists, a giant bruise on his jaw, and his suspicions were confirmed about his glasses, one lens almost entirely shattered.

He carefully took off his glasses, getting the tweezers and trying to pick out a few tiny pieces of glass with blurred vision. Thankfully, none of them got in his eye, but he was almost sure he had a concussion. He sighed and treated his wounds the best he could. Afterward, he got out another pair of glasses, ignoring the sting and splitting headache he got from looking at his laptop and researching makeup techniques to use tomorrow morning.

The six of them were at lunch when Virgil noticed something.

Everyone (excluding Logan) was talking about vampires.

Virgil initiated the conversation by saying, “Okay, okay, but who’s everyone’s favorite vampire?”

“Like, from all of fiction?”

“Yeah. I’ll go first, Angel from Buffy.”

Roman spoke up next, “The gayest and bestest vampire of them all, Marshall Lee the Vampire King!”

Virgil was already slightly suspicious when Logan didn’t correct Roman’s ‘bestest’ but was immediately distracted by Patton’s answer, “The guy from Sesame Street!”

“He doesn’t count!”

“Oh, I assure you he does.”

Virgil laughed, but then he noticed Logan’s expression. He was barely picking at his school lunch and his eye looked… red? Virgil had never seen Logan cry before, especially not at school, and even then it wouldn’t really make sense for him to have been crying and then just one eye be red. He gently tapped on the nerd’s hand, causing him to jolt and look up, “Hey, are you okay? Do you wanna come over for a bit today?”

“I, erm, I’m not sure. My parents won’t be… pleased.”

“Dude, they’re never pleased. I’m having Roman over for a sleepover this weekend anyway, my parents definitely won’t mind.”

“I…. suppose that could be alright. I will notify them that I won’t be home.”

Virgil gently chuckled, “Alright Lo. Just come to our normal spot, the three of us can walk together.” Virgil hooked his hand on Roman’s elbow.

At Roman’s questioning look, Virgil stated, “Logan’s gonna join our sleepover tonight. That ok?”

“Ah, yes! Any good prince knows how to compromise and improvise!”

Virgil laughed and Logan forced a smile. The rest of lunch passed normally, other than Logan still not participating much in the conversation. Patton wanted to ask, but felt it wasn’t his place since he hadn’t known him very long.

That evening, they walked home together as planned. Logan had been looking at his phone and putting it away again all night, however, and Virgil was getting suspicious. When Logan went to brush his teeth, he caught a quick glance at his phone, seeing at least fifty notifications from messages, all from contacts titled either ‘Father’ or ‘Mother’. All the texts from ‘Father’ were in all caps, but that’s all the information Virgil got just by looking at the lit-up screen while Logan brushed his teeth.

Virgil had his suspicions, but decided to keep quiet for now. He’d talk to Logan about it tomorrow, besides Virgil had known Logan long enough to know he needed as much sleep as he could get.

That night, they all set up sleeping bags (Logan used one of Virgil’s parents’s) since Virgil only had a twin bed and no one wanted to be sleeping in different places. The three teens had also gone around Virgil’s house and gathered all the extra pillows and blankets they could find and Virgil grabbed his weighted blanket.

They ended up sleeping with Virgil in the middle, which would’ve normally made him anxious, but with the combination of the weighted blanket and his love for those around him, he could sleep easily.

It’s really too bad that it took him so long to fall asleep.

As soon as Virgil felt Logan’s breathing even out, he tapped Roman’s shoulder, who eagerly stopped pretending and opened his eyes. Virgil climbed on top of Roman, eagerly making out with him. Maybe, if they hadn’t been so distracted, they could’ve noticed the hitched breaths of the form next to them.

Logan, knowing all too well how Virgil always waits until everyone else is asleep to sleep himself, pretended to be sleeping beside him. He had done this many times, both with Virgil and at home, his father was less likely to, ahem, bother Logan if he was asleep. What Logan didn’t expect was the telltale sounds of kissing next to him. He didn’t think they were at that stage yet, why didn’t Virgil tell him? By the sound of it, this is far from the first time. Why did that make him feel… angry? jealous? He wasn’t sure, but he thought they told each other everything.

He felt a tickle in his throat and covered his mouth, liquid coming out of his mouth onto his hand, if the lights had been on he’d have known that liquid was blood. Thankfully, Logan had a fair amount of experience when it came to suppressing coughs and staying silent, so he was able to make any movements seem like normal stirs.

The longer he held them in, the more they hurt, and the more nauseated he became. It seemed as if the more he heard Roman and Virgil the worse it became. After about fifteen solid minutes (Logan was counting) of making out, Roman and Virgil settled down. At that point, once they cuddled up and moved the warmth even farther away from Logan,

Logan expertly waited until Roman and Virgil’s breathing evened out and quietly and efficiently rushed to the bathroom to cough into the toilet, clumsily putting on his glasses as he went. He closed the door and took a slight risk by turning the light on, but was glad he did. He coughed into the toilet, feeling as if his throat was being torn apart from the inside out. When his coughs finally subsided and he looked into the now pink-tinged water he saw blood-soaked purple orchid petals.

Logan shivered as he remembered that purple orchids were Virgil’s favorite flower .

Memories came back to him in a flash.

“What the fuck are these flowers doing here? Do you love someone else?”

“No, baby! I love you, you know that!”

“These say something else, bitch. Who. Are. They. For.”

“No! I won’t tell you!”

Eight-year-old Logan flinched in bed as he heard a slap.

“WHO?!” A punch. “WHO?!” A kick. “WHO?!”  A crash and a loud cry.

“Okay! I’m sorry! It was… Remy. The man at the coffee shop I stop at on the way to work. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Logan remembered the man at the coffee shop, he liked his NASA shirt and gave him a free cake pop. The blackberry and pomegranate one dyed blue. Remy said he requested it from the owner of the bakery himself.

“Oh I’ll get that little dick for you baby, and then I’ll remove your flowers personally.”

Logan sobbed, thankfully being masked by his mother’s own sobs and the slamming of a door.

Logan didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t tell his parents, even if he did father wouldn’t pay for surgery and mother couldn’t. Father would only make fun of him and it’d only make mother sad.

Logan allowed himself a few silent tears before flushing the toilet and washing the blood off at the same time in order to not drag out the sound.

He turned off the light, opened the door, and walked back to the sleeping bags, disheartened and almost needing to go back when he saw Roman and Virgil cuddling, sleeping peacefully.

That whole weekend was hell for Logan. The more he saw Roman and Virgil doing couple-y things the more accelerated the Hanahaki coughs became.

That Saturday though, Logan was pleasantly surprised. Roman had brought them to a coffee shop closer to his house (the other side of town from Virgil and Logan) and Logan immediately recognized the barista.

“Remy? Is that you?”

“Lo-Lo! Omg girl I haven’t seen you in for ever !” Rent came out from behind the counter and hugged Logan.

“Uh, L? Who’s this?”

“Oh, my apologies, this is my old friend Remy. We haven’t seen each other in years but my mother used to go by his bakery every morning on the way to work. I hadn’t realized the location had moved.”

“Yeah, about that, do you wanna maybe catch up in the back? I can ask Emile to take over the front for a bit, he’ll understand.”

Logan nodded, and Remy brought him behind the counter and a man with a pink tie and a yellow apron came out to help Virgil and Roman order.

“Wonder what that’s about…”

“Yeah, no offense to him but I thought you were his only friend before he met the group.”

Meanwhile, in the back of the shop, Remy and Logan were catching up.

“Remy, I thought you were dead. Did my father do something?”

“Jumpin’ right in, aren’t we? Fuck yeah, your father did something, that’s why I have this,” Remy pulled up his shirt to show a deep scar on his abdomen.

Logan gasped, “I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t apologize for him, he’s an asshole, it doesn’t mean you are. You were seven, man.”

Logan sighed and looked down, “I know.”

“Anyway he never actually said why? He mentioned your mom, but just kinda went for it.”

“Wait, you don’t know?”

“He didn’t exactly stop and tell me, babe, he just waited for me to get off work and jumped me. Must not’ve known much about human bodies though because he never checked to see if I was dead, just left me bleeding out there. Thank god I was able to call Emile in time.”

“My mother, she had Hanahaki… for you,” Remy raised an eyebrow, “When my father found out he forced her to tell him who it was for and, well you’re aware of what happened next.”

“Oh wow. Well, I’m gay so it being unrequited tracks. I guess when she thought I was dead it went away?”

“I suppose so. May I ask why you didn’t report it to the authorities?”

“Well, Emile was a doctor before opening the bakery so he knew enough to patch me up, and your father was wearing a mask so I didn’t get his face. We were planning on changing locations anyway, so we just kinda didn’t? Why, would you have wanted me to? I won’t hesitate to stab a bitch back for you, hun.”

“No, that won’t be necessary, I was simply curious.”

“Although, now that I think about it, the day of and the month after Emile said he didn’t see her at all, why did your mom stop coming? Did she know?”

“Father made her quit her job, she had no reason to come anymore.”

Remy was looking at Logan in shocked silence, amazed at how calmly Logan stated such a horrible thing.

“Lo-Lo, is your father… abusive? To you or your mother?”

“No! What made you think that?!”

“Calm down, Lo, it’s alright, I believe you.”

Logan sat back down, when had he stood up? He took a deep breath.

“Logan, let me give you my number,” Remy gently held his hand out.

Logan relented, opening his phone to create a new contact and handing it over. When he got it back, it had tons of emojis after the name, but Logan could edit it later. He chuckled and put his phone away, “Well Remy, I’m glad we got to talk. I genuinely thought you were dead. It’s a… relief, to know you’re alright.” Logan finished with a soft smile.

“You too, kid,” Remy chuckled as he ruffled Logan’s hair.

When they came out, Roman and Virgil were already sitting at a table, three drinks on it with them. Logan smiled as he knew Virgil got him exactly what he wanted.

“Oh, Lo, before I forget! Meet Emile, my husband.”

“So this is the Logan I’ve heard so much about?” Emile held his hand out to Logan, “Emile Picani, do you how do?.”

Logan’s face flushed and it took him a second to process that what he said had to be a reference, but he shook Emile’s hand and put two and two together in his head, “Wait, Picani? You wouldn’t happen to know a Patton, would you?”

“Oh, yes! Patton is our son,” Emile wrapped his arms around Remy’s waist, “Are you and him friends at school?”

“Yes sir, we sit together at lunch, Virgil and Roman sit with us too,” Logan gestured to Virgil and Roman, who were already not-so-subtly listening to the conversation.

Emile repressed the urge to cringe at ‘sir’ before he looked at Roman and Virgil, “Hi there!” he gestured to Remy and himself, “We’re Patton’s parents! And Remy here is an old friend of Logan’s, his mom visited here often before we changed locations.”

“Oh cool, nice to meet you!” Roman excitedly stood up and shook Emile’s hand.

Emile and Remy both chuckled before Virgil added, “‘Sup.” with a two-fingered salute.

Logan wanted to stay and enjoy the moment, but he felt a familiar tickle in his throat when he saw Roman and Virgil were sharing a shake and he couldn’t take it any longer. “Excuse me,” he rushed to the bathroom, ignoring the questioning looks.

He threw open the door and rushed into a stall, hastily locking the door behind him. He started to cough into the toilet, the smell of iron permeating his senses. He could feel the spikes from the orchid’s stem in his throat jerking around as he coughs up as much as his body will allow.

Once his coughs finally subside, he looks into the dark pink-tinged water, surprised to see an entire flower floating in the water. Logan gulps as he remembered a quote from an article he read when his mother had Hanahaki.

Once the patient inflicted coughs up an entire flower, that individual has from three days to a week to get it removed, or the patient will die. The next and final stage after a flower is another flower, this time attached to a stem, usually roots as well.

Logan sat kneeled by the toilet and contemplated. He wasn’t ready to die. He was so excited to become an adult and do all the things he ever dreamed of. Going to college, getting his Ph.D., getting a cat, actually being diagnosed for the autism he was sure he had, learning even more about the world and what lies beyond it… He… didn’t know what to do. Where should he go from here? He knew he should look into an agency or something to help him, there almost certainly is one, but would he have to go to the hospital? Would they have to know who his parents are? He couldn’t risk that. He didn’t want his father to hurt him or his mother, much less his friends. Not after what happened to Remy.

Logan stood up and washed his hands, knowing what he had to do.

He had it all planned out, he couldn’t be at home when it happened. He had his letters in his bag at all times and coughed as little as possible when at home. Luckily for Logan, the coughing fits didn’t get triggered as often at home, at least not severe enough to cause suspicion.

He walked to the bus stop alone, again. Roman had a car that didn’t have a backseat so he could take one person places but not more, so Virgil had been riding with him instead of walking with Logan more and more.

When Logan got to school, he had quite a surprise waiting for him. When he opened his locker, shaving cream fell out of it and got all over his outfit. He heard some kids laughing behind him and just by their laughter could tell it was Luke and Maddie, a couple who had bullied him since elementary school. He sighed, wiping the shaving cream off his shirt. When he picked up his books, it looked like they had put something else in his locker, making the pages of his books and journals sticky and wrinkled up. From the smell, it was probably Sprite.

He just sighed again and shoved his books in his bag. There’s not long left until this is all over, Logan, keep your cool .

His day went about as well as it could after that, but lunch was what finalized his plan. After getting his food, he looked at his table only to see someone else in his spot. Some girl with half of her hair pink and shoulder-length while the other half was brown and shaved to a buzz cut.

Logan lost it. He never went over to the table, he never even ate his lunch. Maybe if he had he’d have known that she had just got there, she was flirting with Roman and about to be turned down (for many reasons), but sadly he did not.

He dropped his lunch tray and ran to the bathroom, getting Virgil’s(and everyone in the cafeteria’s) attention, and Virgil and Roman both ran after him.

When Logan got to the bathroom, he was already sobbing, clumsily opening the wheelchair-friendly stall door and slumped down in the corner after locking the door.

He was still sobbing horribly, everything finally getting to him. His bullies, his disease, his parents, his classmates, Remy, Roman, Virgil, everything .

He opened up his phone and went to Roman’s Instagram account, scrolling through all the pictures of him and Virgil looking so happy together, knowing it would speed up the process and trigger coughing fits.

“Logan! L what’s wrong?!” Virgil banged on the stall door, only getting more sobs in response, “L please open the door I only want to help!”

“Me too!”

“Roman, I think it’d be best if you left, sorry. Logan and I need to talk alone.”

“Oh, uh, okay…” Roman hesitantly leaves the bathroom and sits outside.

“Logan? Please talk to me? It’s just us, I checked all the stalls.”

Virgil was shocked and scared to hear the horrible hacking coughs coming from Logan’s throat.

Eventually, the coughing stopped. Virgil yelled and yelled his name, and eventually Roman came back inside, “Virgil? What��s wrong?”

“He’s not responding anymore! Go get the nurse! Or anyone who can open this stall door!”

Eventually, they were able to get the door open, but what Virgil saw would forever be burned into the back of his eyes. The dead body of Logan, blood all over him, staining his tie and his books which had fallen from his bag. Blood-soaked purple orchid petals surrounding him and in the toilet, even some entire flowers in his lap. Virgil’s heart shattered when he thought about how his favorite flowers were purple orchids… not anymore, though.

Virgil saw a paper sized orange folder, just the corner stained with blood, labeled

Friends

Family

Inside, he found five envelopes, labeled Mother and Father , Remy, Emile, and Patton , Janus and Remus , Roman , and Virgil .

Later that night, after giving the other letters to the rightful owners(or in Logan’s parents’s case, putting the letter on their doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and then running away), he snuggled into his bed to read his.

Virgil,

As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, you were my unrequited love. I hadn’t had a word to put to my feelings toward you until you started dating Roman, which triggered the Hanahaki disease in my system. You deserve the world, the sun, the moon, and all the stars, and I’m sorry you only got me. I’m sorry I’ll be gone, but I know you’ll make it through high school with or without me. You’re an incredibly smart, kind, vigilant, clever, handsome, and helpful individual, I’m so glad I had the privilege of being alive at the same time as you.

Logan

Janus and Remus,

I wish I had the opportunity to get to know the two of you better. You were always kind to me and welcomed me to your group with open arms. Thank you for bringing a smile to my days, even if school is a figurative hellhole. Just so you’re aware, I had Hanahaki for Virgil. I wish I could write out in detail how it feels for you, Remus, but I find thinking about it usually triggers a coughing fit, and I do not want to go to my home.

Logan

Remy, Emile, and Patton,

Patton, I’m sorry I never got to know you better, but you were always kind to me despite me being new and you not really knowing me. While most of your puns made me “cringe”, I did actually enjoy some of them, so thank you for bringing joy to my life.

Emile and Remy, I don’t know whether or not the two of you will be informed, but I had Hanahaki. Specifically for Virgil, but that’s not really important. I wish my father wasn’t so cruel to you, especially since you never did anything purposely against him. Again, I apologize for his behavior. I wish mother and I could’ve had a normal relationship with you, instead of her being so sheltered she fell for the first guy to treat her like a person before my father.

Logan

Mother,

Thank you for trying your best to help me. My childhood wasn’t great, but the fondest memories I have of it are the times it was just you and me. I had Hanahaki, just like you. I knew you couldn’t afford the surgery and father wouldn’t allow me to have it, seeing as I had the disease for a boy, so I never brought it up. I didn’t want to drag out the sadness any more for you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t stay alive to be old enough to get a job and help us out of here, I hope you can forgive me.

Logan

Roman,

I am going to be entirely honest with you. When I first met you, I did not like you. And when you and Virgil became romantically involved, I began to hate you. But after all the sleepovers and lunches, I have learned that you are a good person. A person that I respect, whether I like you or not. Therefore, I entrust you with the most important job I can give; please look after Virgil for me. I do not care if you two continue to date, whatever happens, just please make sure he gets through life well enough. Help him mourn, be there for him when he cries, be there for him because I no longer can. Thank you.

Logan

Hope you enjoyed! Or cried, whatever Prompt: Hiding an Illness

Additional Tags:

Logic | Logan Sanders Angst

Logic | Logan Sanders-centric

Autistic Logic | Logan Sanders

Implied/Referenced Child Abuse

Child Abuse

Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism

Verbal Abuse

Slurs

Hanahaki Disease

Angst

Fluff and Angst

Alternate Universe - High School

Logic | Logan Sanders is Bad at Feelings

Blood

Mild Blood

Implied/Referenced Abuse

Bullying

Suicidal Thoughts

Suicide Notes

[slightlystrangepsyche]

Roswell New Mexico S02E06

The title is “Sex and Candy”. Is that a reference I’m not getting? I’d rather have candy than sex, but if you want my reactions to the episode as I watched it, my thoughts are under the cut

Max has amnesia and doesn't remember the love of his life. Am I watching fanfiction right now? No. Fanfiction would be better written.

Buffy! She's Forrest's dog, and the flirting between him and Alex is so awkward and gay. Alex admits he had a lizard named Willow in High School. Very awkward. Very gay. The episode should have just been this for 50 minutes.

Instead, Maria is dragging Alex to the middle of nowhere to follow a lead about her mother's abduction. Road trip, in which Alex describes himself exactly how some viewers have described him. Nobody talks about their own issues like that.

In other news, Isobel goes to a gay bar. And sees Kyle there.

Oh, Max and Liz's date goes... deep. Ah, Liz tells Max about the fiancé she abandoned. I had forgotten about him. Max tells Liz he killed a drifter as a teen, to protect Isobel. Y'know. Real first date talk.

Oh, I forgot to mention the Max/Liz scene where Max doesn't like mint milkshakes anymore. It's another TV rule that nobody wakes up from a coma the same. How many cliches can we fit into one episode. And we're only half-way through.

Alex and Maria get a flat tire. Because, of course. Of course there's no spare. Ask a stupid question, Alex, and you'll get an obvious retort.

Wow. Even the casting is super obvious. David Anders. Although, it's weird to see him without white hair. I wonder if the guy ever gets tired of playing creepy, but obviously not.

I'm calling it now. Everybody is going to have sex during the meteor storm. Because we all know, alien stones are really an aphrodisiac. I'm half expecting Superman to arrive with the meteorites. Nothing is original.

Huh. Maybe there won't be Echo sex. Liz decides Max is better off without his memories of her, so she withdraws from their date so he has a chance to stay happier? I never understood that kind of self-sacrificial move, especially when it seems narcissistic. I'm sure there was more to Max's old personality than loving Liz. Maybe.

Okay. Alex just got stabbed by the David Anders character. A crazy war veteran. Who makes and sells cowboy boots. And is now chasing after Maria, who is running through a corn field.

Cut to, Kyle and Isobel, all glittered up, dancing at the gay bar, and they all toasted to feeling “alienated”. I'm kind sick of shows treating gay bars as a place straight characters can go for fun and to feel safe (okay, maybe that second reason is valid). I personally think Isobel and Kyle are bi, but that's not canon.

Poor Kyle. He really is seen as the 'safe' option. I'm all for Isobel reasserting her sexuality after the horror that was Noah, but they don't need sex. They need therapy.

Maria is running for her life, and runs right into Michael. Crazy War Veteran then hits Michael over the head, with the blunt end of the axe. He also says “I hate love triangles.” Which... mood. They writers do know the audience isn't supposed to be rooting for the creepy axe dude, right? Because that comment slayed me.

Oh. Now Isobel gives the consent talk, and it's Kyle's turn to dismiss ethics. He says his issue is that there's “someone else”. I'm guessing that's supposed to be Liz or Steph, but I'm gonna imagine Kyle has realized he's in love with Alex and that's why he's at the gay bar.

Urgh. Isobel's and Kyle assume the female bartender wants to dance with Kyle, but she wants to dance with Isobel and not the “breeder”. Why are they acting so surprised? I feel like this scene isn't doing the gay or straight community any favours.

So far, the only character that has any right this whole episode, is Buffy.

Max is going through his old journals to try and recover his memory. It works. A bullet falls out, and he remembers Liz getting shot and how Max saved her life. Sure. Sure. Standard stuff. But... who keeps a loose bullet in a journal. How?

Michael wakes up, Alex comes stumbling out of the shack, clutching his bloody chest. Maria... is there. They're reunited. Then David Anders comes out of the shack and shoots... his evil twin, the Crazy War Veteran? So, add Evil Twin to this episode's list of endless tropes. Good Twin asks, “everybody alright?” Somehow, yes. Even though they probably shouldn't be.

Apparently, it wasn't war that made Crazy War Veteran crazy. He was experimented on afterwards.

Ah, so, Kyle's love interest is Steph. Who, we are finding out now, is undergoing surgery.

Oh wow. Looks like there is going to be Echo sex under the meteorites after all.

And Isobel is perhaps bi after all. She's making out with the hot female bartender, and I think they're going to have sex during the meteorite storm.

Maria, highlighting how absurd these storylines are. “No-one would believe us if we told them.”

Since Alex's shirt is off, because they're tending to the wound in his chest, it's only natural they all have sex(!). Wouldn't Michael have a concussion, or something? Well, they do say sex can cure a headache. They are all still alive so I can understand the “still-alive” sex, if it weren't with people of incompatible sexualities and with baggage that is going to make things even messier. Alex tried to leave, but Maria fluttered her eyelashes and said she just wanted them all “safe”.

Cut to The Morning After.

Apparently, the Good Twin and Bad Twin were called Trevor and Travis. Maria is still asleep, so we get a really awkward conversation between Alex and Michael. They're really trying to spin it as a good thing, that Alex felt “loved” during it. But this is an end for Malex, because Michael is with Maria. Maria, who is awake and waiting with bated breath. Michael didn't follow Alex, he came back to her.

And Alex moves on, to Forrest. Who is... performing beatnik poetry. I guess Alex is into that kind of thing.

So, to sum up, it seems like everybody had sex. Apart from Kyle. Whose love interest was in surgery. And, if I wasn't asexual before, I definitely am now. Why would you have sex when you could be watching a cool meteorite shower instead?

[rpsocsandcanonohmy]

Unexpected

Cordell set the popcorn on the coffee table and glanced up at the screen to see what was on the docket for Movie Night. It was Stella’s turn to pick, so he was expecting a romcom or a musical or something. What he saw instead was a documentary on modern LGBT spaces. Okay. Different. “Where’d you find that one?”

“My sex-ed teacheer showed us part of it and I wanted to see the rest of it. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Just...wasn’t expecting it.” Who knows, maybe he’d learn something.

Turns out there was a lot he wasn’t expecting that night.

Asexual

It came up a few times during the documentary. A complete lack of sexual attraction to anyone. Not a lack of love or compassion. Not even a lack of sex drive necessarily. Just...no sexual attraction to anyone, man or woman. It sounded strange. 

It also stirred something inside him that he hadn't thought about in years.

It kept coming back to him over the next couple of days. Memories forced themselves to the forefront of his mind. Exaggerating how much he enjoyed Hoyt’s skinmags. Claiming to have wet dreams about whatever star was most popular at the time. Never being quite sure how to respond when his girlfriends would talk about how sexy he was. How Emily was always the one to initiate sex when they weren’t actively trying to have kids. All those nights he would lay awake in bed, wondering why he didn’t seem to see the world the same way everyone else did.

Did that mean something?

He tried doing his own research on the internet during some spare time but he wasn’t really sure what he was looking for and there was just so much out there. He needed help. At least a roadmap. He’d ask Liam but he didn’t want to assume anything. He doubted his parents would have any advice in this department. He remembered Micki putting a bisexual flag in her pen cup last week but he didn’t want to assume anything there either. But this kind of stuff was everywhere. Surely there was a person or a library or something he could go to.

Maybe Google could help him with this one….

-----------

Cordell sat in his truck in front of the LGBT center. There were a couple of places like this in Austin but this was the only one that didn't specify being a place for Youth members. He thought going somewhere where some of the patrons might be a little closer to his age would help. So far it was ineffective.

Maybe he should've brought someone along. Liam would've come with him. Micki and Trey too. Hell he probably could've begged Momma into coming along. But he hadn't wanted to bother anyone unless he was sure. 

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

He slowly got out of his truck and suddenly realized it was the only one in a sea of Priuses and compact cars. 

Focus, Walker.

He forced himself forward and tried not to think  about the fact that none of the other patrons walking up were wearing work jeans and boots and a Stenson and-

Breathe, Walker. Worst they can do is ask you to leave.

The Center was calmer than he'd been expecting. Not that he could really say what he'd been expecting. More rainbows probably. He flinched internally when he saw some people give him odd looks and just kept walking, not really paying attention to where he was going. Which, he discovered when he had the guts to look up again, was an excellent way to get lost. He cursed silently as he looked around for any kind of signage to direct him to anywhere that might be useful but all he saw were empty hallways with closed doors. He probably wasn’t even supposed to be in this area.

He probably wasn’t even supposed to be here at all.

He knew this was a bad idea.

“Excuse me, sir. Are you lost?”

He flinched involuntarily and looked over at the woman that was approaching him. She was dressed nicely and wearing a lanyard that introduced her as Clarissa. She probably worked here and if the lesbian pin on her shirt was anything to go by, she belonged here for other reasons too. 

"Hi. Yeah, a little. Don't worry, I’m just on my way out.” As soon as I find where that is.

She smiled kindly. “Alright then. Mind if I walk with you? I’m just on my way out myself and these hallways can get really confusing if you don’t know where you’re going.”

Well. He clearly wasn’t getting out of this. “No, that’s fine.”

“Great! I’m Clarissa, by the way. I work in public outreach,” she said as they walked. “What’s your name?”

“Uh, Cordell.” Should he say his occupation? Did it matter? He probably wasn’t coming back here anyway, right?

“Pleasure to meet you, Cordell. Are you here with anyone?”

“Uh, no.” Dammit. “I’m here for someone. My...my brother, he’s been meaning to come by but with work and stuff he gets...busy.” Smooth, Walker. Real fucking smooth.

“Well, that’s nice of you, though I’m sure he’d get more out of it if he actually came himself.”

Right. Of course. “Well, he was just looking for some books or information packets or something. He’s just got a lot of questions.”

She hummed and nodded her head. “Do you know what kind of information he was looking for? We have a library I could help you look through if you wanted.”

“I…. That would be really nice. Thank you.”

“Of course.” She smiled and turned a corner. “Just this way.”

------------

Clarissa watched Cordell out of the corner of her eye. She’d seen this a few times during her years working at the Center. Someone figures something out about themselves later in life and feels a little uncomfortably openly exploring it, usually due to internalized prejudices or insecurities or external pressures. Judging by the gold band on his finger, she’d say it was a mixture. She had to admire him for coming this far, especially alone.

“What did you say your brother was looking for?” she asked as they approached the library space.

“Ummm….” He seemingly felt the need to look somewhere else. “Do you have anything on asexuality? I think that’s what he said.”

Ah. That filled in a few blanks. “Of course. I know a few titles that might be helpful….” Definitely not her first time dealing with this particular issue. There was a go-to list she and a few others had put together for situations like this; she decided to tack on a few extra titles on self-acceptance. Hopefully that would help.

“When you hand these over to your brother, remember to tell him he’s always welcome here, okay?”

He smiled at her, the first time since she saw him standing in the hallway, and nodded. “I will. Thanks.”

She smiled back and gave him a little shrug. “It’s what I’m here for. You can check those out at the counter over there. I have a few things to do but I hope to see you around.” As she waved and walked away, she prayed she would see him again. Maybe with a friend or a family member. Or at least with a little more confidence.