#aged 28

[kidovna]

Mike and Will, 1999

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[aromanticduck]

Sorry if you're already over 50, I ran out of room (you're welcome to leave your thoughts in the tags or replies!)

If you're younger than 10, get the fuck off Tumblr. People are saying swears on here!

[EDIT: It's OK to vent a bit about negative feelings in the comments/tags, but if you're gonna talk about killing yourself, do me a favour and fucking don't]

[doctorsiren]

I loved your headcannons about inukawa, reigen and reigens sister and I would really like to see what you think would happen if mob and reigens sister met and I was wondering if you could possibly draw them :D

hello yes I accidentally made a comic after seeing this ask yesterday 😁 bro psychoanalyzed her 😨

[almondpiglet]

just fooling around at the speed of sound... found a cool brush to play with...

[infizero]

my interpretation of grian is like what if there was a 20 year old rave girl stuck in the body of a 36 year old uptight loser

[sermna]

I start school again next Monday :')

[amaranthdahlia]

kudoichi is serious to me in ways the human mind cannot fathom (art dump yet again below)

commissions

[kyouka-supremacy]

Me whenever I say that I'm normal about my favourite character

[kevindavidday]

love that one scene in aftg where aaron minyard is just washing dishes <3 and kevin is being pathetic on the beanbag chair in the other room <3

[backpackingspace]

listen listen I think Tim and Sasha should be in their 40s. And then you just have this obviously 20 something year old who's now THEIR BOSS claiming is 38 as if they can't spot a fresh out of college baby a mile away

[3-aem]

BRO!!!!! AFTER TRYING TO CANCEL ME?!?! IN BAD FAITH?!?!?!!!!

YA IVE POSTED IT NO U CANT SEE IT ANYMORE CUZ UR MEAN???

[winterstarfall]

do you ever read the anastasia broadway script and just want to die

[almondpiglet]

age swap doodles n stuuuuuffff

[moriphyte]

as much as i have stuck to drawing child tommy, as thats the version all of us are most familiar w and the version we know well, its also really inspiring to imagine him grown up. to imagine what he would look like and which features he would grow into and who he would resemble be it by genetics or choice or both. this character that was never allowed to live, never allowed to die on his own terms, being able to finally grow up like normal. what would he look like? of course when i imagine an older ctommy, i simply can’t divorce him from the image of cwil no matter how much i may want to. they’re brothers, by blood or not depends on your hc but to me it doesn’t matter. they look alike, sometimes almost eeerily so. not that they would ever be indistinguishable, there are a few very visible differences, but it’s the little things. all the little things that make them so painfully like despite the obvious differences. the way ctommy tugs on his curls when he’s upset, the way he paces the room frantically muttering and cursing when he’s stressed. the way he sings while making potions, the way he sometimes lets the dramatics take him and allows his gangly limbs to swing like misweighted pendulums as he waxes not so poetic about something or another. the way he hunches up to make himself look smaller without even thinking and ctubbo always has to remind him not to slouch. and the way he stands up tall and holds himself like their former commander in chief when he’s trying to be a BIG MAN. i started this post thinking of the specific facial features and details ctommy would have as an adult, and how they would relate and differ to his brothers, but now i am lost int he sauce of imagining eve r little mannerism ctommy picked up being raised by cwil and no matter how far away from each other they are these connections will always remind them of each other (because god knows wil has picked up just as many of tommy’s mannerisms over their many codependent years together) and it quickly gets too painful to think about. anyway im normal .

[tsuchinokoroyale]

I’m too old to be out clubbin this late 😴😴😴