#again its ok i don't want to be any more vulnerable than this

[jadetheblade4]

I really shouldn't have said anything im not that good at. Speaking. Whatever ill get over it.

[dragonfyre-creations]

I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)

(long dump in the tags and under the cut)

The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.

Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.

Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.

She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.

She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona

[thir10th]

hey lovely! can I request a fic where r is feeling insecure with her body lately and emily shows how beautiful she is? fluff w some smut if you feel comfortable :)

Hi anon! your timing couldn't be better. This has been sitting on my drafts for weeks, i kinda hated it, but you just gave me an excuse to get back to it, so thank you for that and for requesting! Hope you like it <3

will you? - Emily Prentiss x fem!reader

summary: see the ask. I changed it a bit but the main idea is still there tw: insecure reader, face-sitting, oral sex, body image, tiny bit of angst (blink and you miss it) a/n: this one might be a bit messy but i still enjoyed writing it! like & reblog <3

You throw your bag far away when you enter the hotel room. This case was getting hard, nothing was making sense, and you had been working for the past 14 hours none stop.

You need to ether sleep, eat something, a shower, or an orgasm. Or maybe all of them

but that isn't an option right now, because you're mad at her.

You aren't even sure why you had gotten so upset about it, its not like she had actually done anything, but you were still annoyed.

You were actually mad at yourself, more than at your girlfriend, but her words still resonating on your head wouldn't go away.

Emily's arms wrapping around your waist make you jump, getting you out of your thoughts.

Hugging you from behind, she rests her face on your shoulder, you feel her warm breath on your neck, she kisses your cheek lovingly.

Her arms leave your waist to reach your shoulders, her hands massage your arms which makes you close your eyes in pleasure, relying on her touch. Maybe staying mad wasn't that worth it.

"You know what i think you need?" she moves a strand of hair to kiss the curve of your neck "mh- what?" you say, a smile of pleasure starting to form on your lips

"I think you know what" she answers, you can feel her smile against your skin, her teeth brushing against your shoulder, and then you realize what she has in mind

"No, no, Em, absolutely not" You refuse, pulling away from her touch, turning around to look at her, crossing your arms.

"ugh i can't believe you're still thinking about it, after this morning" there it is, you are pushing her away again.

Why is she so insistent though, why can't she just read your mind and understand?

"Ok, ok I'm sorry, I just don't understand. You're always so open to trying new stuff, and that, just... i don't know, baby, i just want to know why you don't want it, that's all" She says, her hand reaching to rest on your arm to comfort you.

You just can't tell her, you're too ashamed. That same morning your girlfriend had suggested you tried something new in bed. She had asked you, boldly, (like she always did) to sit on her face.

She had insisted so much, you had denied every time.

Really, what was there to hate? your beautiful girlfriend was literally asking you to fuck her face, to eat you out, to give you full control. But you just couldn't do it.

"c'mon, baby, i just want to understand" she is being gentle, using her persuasion skills on you, calling you by the special pet name that would only come out in moments of special intimacy or vulnerability

She knows how to get to you, and that only makes you angrier.

You take her hand off your arm, getting yourself away from her, you need to be alone.

"I'm gonna go take a shower, try to keep it in your pants while i'm gone, all right?" you spit at her, and seeing her mouth-opened expression, you regret it inmidiately.

Standing under the warm stream of water helps you get your mind off of things for a while, while you wander what's exactly got you all worked up like this.

Emily doesn't deserve any of this, she had been nothing but sweet. Yes, she has been insistent about it, but that doesn't mean she had to be hit in the face with your own insecurities.

Getting out of the shower you stare at your reflection on the bathroom mirror. God, you hate how it makes you feel, but what you hate the most is how you're paying your own frustrations with your girlfriend.

Wrapped in a bathrobe, you get out, ready to face an angry Emily, instead she lays on the bed, already on her sleep clothes, reading with her book resting on her knees

"Em?" you try, she looks at you from over her book, then gets back to reading

"You're not gonna talk to me?" you ask

"whenever you're ready to actually talk to me, then I will. I'll try to keep it in my pants in the meantime, though" she shoots back in a sarcastic tone.

She's right, you shouldn't have said that, it had been a low blow.

You sit beside her, taking the book from her hands and placing it on the nightstand. She looks at you with mixed anger and sadness.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, you know i didn't, this is just hard for me" you try to explain. "Look, I just don't think it's a good idea, alright?"

"I don't ever want to make you uncomfortable, but i want you to talk to me, i've been trying to get to you, and you just shut me out" she says, sitting upright on her spot on the bed, taking your hands on hers, looking you in the eyes

"it's just... i don't want to... hurt you" her mouth falls open once again "hurt me? that's what this is all about? baby c'mon, you won't hurt me, why do you say that?" her tone switches to full concern now, the previous argument already forgotten

"yes, i will, I will choke you with this big stupid things and you won't ever want to go down on me again" you finally let out

"well... I'll die a happy woman then" she chuckles, trying to downplay it

"Ok, baby, listen to me" she holds your face with both her hands, forcing you to look at her, the tenderness of her gaze deepening into you

"i love every part of you, even the ones you don't like, thighs included" she waits for an answer but you don't say anything.

Emily lifts your your chin with her finger, and leaves a soft peck on your lips, the contact makes you relax instantly

"you are smart" she says, leaving another soft kiss on your cheek

"and beautiful" now getting your other cheek

"and sexy" she kisses your nose this time

"and so, so hot" she moves back to kiss your lips again, and you chuckle nervously at her words

"what can i do to help you believe me?" you shake your head "let me bury myself into you, please" her pleading is getting too much, her thumb caresses your face so softly, so tenderly.

How could you deny her anything when she asks so sweetly? you finally nod, the huge smile spreading along her face

"Em, are you sure?” you ask, biting at your lip as you watch your girlfriend sit on the edge of the bed and recline back, laying face-up atop the covers with an eager grin spread across her face. “I might weigh too much…”

Emily raises her head up and shoots you a look. “Honey, I’m positive,” she says, trying to keep the whine out of her voice.

She wants you on her so badly she can barely stand it, eyes flickering between your face and the bathrobe that covers your thick, delectable thighs from view. 

A moment of deliberation passes, then, without another word, you reach down and untie the soft white hotel bathrobe, letting it slide down your arms to fall to the floor at your feet, leaving you completely naked in a matter of seconds

"fuck" you hear her mutter "you're so beautiful" Emily breathes

“Not as beautiful as you” you murmur as she clambers onto the bed.

You crawl up it until you are kneeling beside Emily's head, the mattress dipping slightly beneath your combined weight.

“Is it okay if I…?”

“Yes.” her decisiveness tells you she wasn't joking, she does want this more than you had thought

You take a deep breath in and then lift a leg, swinging it over Emily and settling it on the other side of her head so that you are straddling her, your cunt hovering mere inches over Emily's mouth.

"Promise me you will tell me if i'm too heavy, or if you can't breath" too excited to resist, Emily reaches up to thumb at your clit. 

“I will” she says, sliding her free hand along your thigh, rubbing comforting circles into the soft skin.

“I promise you i will tap you twice, but i won't need it" she reassures. "You’re gorgeous—fuck, I wanna taste you so bad.”

Cautiously, you lowered yourself down enough that your near-dripping pussy was just barely pressing against Emily’s face.

You were planning to keep as still as possible in order to resist the urge to squeeze your thighs around Emily or put too much weight on her, but that idea flew out the window almost immediately after her tongue darted out, flattening itself against the lips of your pussy before dragging upward and settling at the soft nub of your clit. 

“Oh,” you gasp, giving a shuddery little jerk of your hips before you can stop yourself.

Emily moans in reply, the sound vibrating against your walls and causes you to whimper again. 

Her tongue flicks out, circling your clit and applying occasional pressure, whilst two fingers push inside you, crook and rubbing at your sennsitive inner walls.

You shudder and gasp, quickly losing yourself to the feeling.

“Oh, fuck, Emily,” you gasp out, finally giving in to the temptation to reach down and fist her hand into her silky hair.

Your girlfriend lets out another appreciative moan when you give it a rough tug, the vibrations making every feeling intensify.

Losing yourself to the pleasure, you rock your hips against Emily, knees pressing hard into the mattress. She has always been an expert on driving you wild like this.

Her nose rubbing right at your clit and you couldn’t help but moan, gripping tighter on the headboard. God, she has the perfect nose for this.

Emily’s mouth wrap around you, tongue sinking into your pussy as far as she can while she sucks at you, eagerly lapping your juices into her mouth.

Her hands groped at your ass, encouraging you to roll your hips, effectively riding her face.

She keeps up the pace, mouthing desperately at your clit until you can feel yourself letting go.

Hips stuttering and then stalling. Your thighs shook up, inner walls spasming around Emily’s fingers as you fall over the edge and into bliss.

“Oh fuck! Fuck, Em...” You breath out, your chest heaving as you very slowly open your eyes, coming down to earth as Emily leaves little kitten licks on your cunt, sucking up as much of your juices as she could.

Your body shudders when her nose brushes against you again, this time an accident and she chuckles softly, helping you swing your leg over her and drop onto the bed beside her.

Emily stays put, lying face-up as she catches her breath. Then, once she feels able to, she rolls onto her side and grins at you.

"good?" she asks, her fingers softly playing with your hair

"absolutely perfect" You reply with a dreamy smile, pulling her to you for a kiss. You can't help but moan into her mouth at the taste of yourself on her tongue.

"I'm really sorry of what i said, Em" you said, keeping you face close to hers, holding her

"It's ok, I know you were upset. I just want you to know that i love every single part of your body, no exceptions" you kiss her sweetly, her words causing a warm feeling to spread on your stomach

"you're perfect" you say, pulling her in for another kiss

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Hope you like it! reqs are still open!

[sideprince]

I've seen the same post a hundred times now. Sometimes it's a few days old, sometimes it's from years ago, but it's always the same. Some anti posts about how they don't understand how anyone can like Snape because he was so awful, and then there's a long reply that goes something like, "imagine this happens to you, and then this, and then this" to describe Snape's experience. Sometimes there's some James Potter hate thrown in.

Look. You can go through describing a character's entire experience but you don't really need to. Here's the thing that antis don't understand:

For all her faults (and they're big, bigoted ones) Rowling understood a really integral part of the human experience and conveyed it through Snape. Everyone needs love and to feel accepted. It's that simple. Snape became a Death Eater to seek acceptance (Rowling has confirmed this, though I can't remember the source - whoever wants to add it please do), because it was the only way he could find any.

Snape's understanding of morality, like everyone's, is subjective. Some readers understand this and some don't. When faced against a morality that says there is good and bad in the world, everyone makes choices based on their personal experience. Context is everything. Someone who experiences pain and suffering will not see the person inflicting it on them as moral. That's it. 'How can this person be good when they caused me so much suffering?' = human psychology. Most of the people who think 'I'm a bad person and deserve this' have been gaslit and abused into thinking so, because it's not a natural reaction - it's one that has to often be socialized into someone at a young age, exactly because it's not natural. Everyone is the hero of their own story; no one sees themselves as a villain, because they see the valid aspects of their own perspective.

You can write essays on how vulnerable people needing acceptance is what cults and fascists exploit to recruit vulnerable people, or on how the standard anti's un-nuanced reading of Snape both ignores canon and displays a disturbing lack of empathy or compassion, but at its core it just boils down to context. From Snape's perspective he experienced cruelty, therefore the people inflicting it must be cruel. Again, it's that simple. He was a person, like any other, except he was fictional so he wasn't even real. On the flip side is James Potter, who, for all his faults, didn't get to live long enough to get a chance to change and grow unlike Snape, and I think the Snapedom also needs to acknowledge that.

They're fictional characters representing things an author wants to say, not sports teams, not martyrs, and not all good or all bad emblems that define your identity depending on how you feel about them. It's depressing how much time is wasted arguing with bullies and trolls whether from the Marauders fandom or just random antis. I literally can't find more than three blogs to follow without this argument coming across my feed daily. I know the Snapedom is Not OK™ and that's kind why we're all here, and I know that my take is super unpopular but like Snape, I don't care what others think: this fandom has been having the exact same argument for years and nothing has changed. There's fanart and meta and fic and so much content out there appreciating this character, you're not going to change an anti's mind who's deliberately trolling in the tags, so why are you trying? What are you getting out of it? What does it give you? It's exhausting just scrolling past it.

[crushedsweets]

hey sucker! 😋😋

what would the creeps do for valentine’s day?

like yknow, would some be given small treats or do others treat it like a regular day?

happy belated valentines day! hope you guys had fun and shared some love with everyone around you! this is the closest youre gonna get to x reader content from me.

AGAIN THIS IS SET IN MY AU!!! MY AU IS PRETTY DETAILED AND HAS AN OVERARCHING STORYLINE WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED FRIENDSHIPS, SETTINGS, JOBS, CHARACTER ARCS AND WHATNOT....... so :3 yeah.

Tim and Brian probably don't do much. They'll totally grab some chocolates/candy and eat it, but just cuz its there, not as a gift. if they had a partner, they'd just go get some dinner.. flowers, basic stuff. put on an unironed button up and pick their partner up LOL.

toby might do something depending on where he is in the story. early on, he is not doing SHIIIIT. deep into his friendship with nina(who opens up a lot of his emotional vulnerabilities n stuff), he might feel a little inclined to pick up some flowers for some of the girls in his life (nina, clocky, kate, lazari) just cuz he used to do something small for his sister/mom when he was younger (cuz frank never did shit). if he had a partner, he'd def wanna do jewelry and classic flowers. he likes necklaces and rings and piercings and stuff, doesnt wear them much cuz they get in the way, but likes seeing people wear stuff he got. he's the type to make them turn around so he could put the necklace on them, but if they even slightly laugh at him trying to be sweet, he's getting mad HAHA. "ok nevermind im returning this you fucking suck" (jokingly.. but he is embarrassed). would just wanna stay home though, no nights out or anything

clocky would paint stuff. she'd give nina a portrait of herself cuz nina loooves being someone's muse, do some nice art of forest creatures and leave some notes for toby. she'd feel pretty awkward about it just cuz even when she was with her highschool boyfriend, she wasn't good at giving or receiving affection. if she's gifted any flowers (which she will be getting), she's absolutely pressing them and either sealing them in some paintings, or putting it in frames that hold her old art/art she picked up at thrifts. if she had a partner, she'd obviously paint them or something. i could see her spending a long time working through a journal to gift them, making every 3 pages a painting, drawing, or journal entry expressing something. "today you and i went to get lunch. i think the place was way too expensive, but you liked it." and then empty pages for her partner to fill in with whatever they want.

nina. ok come on. lets be serious. its nina. she's gonna buy everyone(as in toby, clocky, kate, jane, liu) one expensive gift (cologne, watches, shoes, jewelry, makeup) and then throw together mini bouquets, notes, and probably shop lift other smaller stuff cuz 'IM BROKE I SPENT TOO MUCH I HAVE TO' LOLLL.. she's the type to literally decorate her house for it, putting up some of clocky's more romantic paintings (cuz she has a collection of clocky's work), setting out heart-shaped coasters, bringing out heart shaped pillows.... honestly she probably already had those.... she'd absolutely plan galentines dinner for her friends, bake cookies, everything. if she had a partner, it would be really similar. she likes to spoil people, gift giving and acts of service are her ways of showing love - buuuut she does want to be spoiled in return, so physical affection and quality time is what she wants to receive. she wants to be treated like a princess, be picked up, have her doors opened for her, told she looks beautiful, etc.

jack is even less likely to do something than toby. before the sacrifice, he'd grab a cheap bag of individually wrapped chocolates and give them to people he knew around campus. i could see him buying the same chocolates and leaving it in his cabin. telling whoever visits him to take some. nina would leave him some flowers too(say its also from toby) and he'd be really grateful, cuz she'd be very sure to get him whatever he thinks smells the nice. that way he can still appreciate it. if he had a partner, YOU KNOW HE'S COOKING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DINNER AT HOME. he's cleaning up, very awkwardly trying to dress nice. black button up, slacks, slick his hair back(or he'd just do whatever his partner says looks best, not too concerned with his own preference). he'd feel sooo fucking embarrassed and very nervous but he just wants to make it special. he'd write a long love letter, too

jeff isnt doing shit for anyone. he'll go steal some chocolate and mind his own business. if he had a partner, one that he ACTUALLY loved and wanted to keep around. maybe he'd pick up some flowers and chocolate, mainly cuz he knows thats the bare minimum sort of gift. he'd let them demand that day from him, which takes a LOT for him to let anyone feel entitled to HIS time. if he knows they have higher expectations (dinner, a letter, etc) he'd probably bitch and moan and be like "ugh you already know im into you why do i gotta do this shit" but if theyre serious, he'd probably do it. half assed though...

kates also not doing anything unprompted. she wouldnt even know the day is coming around. her only memories of valentines day would be passing out some candy and cards around class in elementary school, but once she was in the forest, nobody gave HER shit. she might pick some flowers and wrap it in some paper for people , but ONLY if she KNOWS they're getting something for her. like, she'd pick nina some flowers cuz she knows ninas doing something regardless, but she wouldnt get toby anything cuz she wouldnt have expected it from him. then shed feel bad. if she had a partner, again it'd be similar. she KNOWS she needs to put in the effort, but she doesnt exactly have the resources... the farm does pay her some cash since she works with the animals, but she mostly just gives it straight to toby so he can buy stuff for the cabin. but she'd keep it this time around, and quietly ask toby if he could come with her to get some stuff for them. some sweets, a necklace, scribble out a little letter. smth sweet.

janes married. and she goes all out of her wife. buys her like a 3dozen bouquet of red roses, sets reservations at nice restaurants, makes mary breakfast the morning of. all of that. i dont even know how to go into detail on this because thats just how it is for her, theres not some turmoil for her to work through. she'd also start getting sally some stuff. plushies holding hearts, balloons, sweet things like that. if she had a partner...WELL SHE ALREADY DOES!!!!

if liu knows nina is going to gift him something expensive, he's doing the same. he's going to grab her flowers and maybe some shoes or something he knows she's had her eye on. he wouldn't be really subtle about it, just text her "whats on your wishlist right now" LOLLL... he just appreciates nina's presence (after they get over the jeff situation) and likes having a little sister to spoil. he'd probably send jane a bouquet of flowers with a thank you note, since jane did a lot for him. if he had a partner, it would also be very stereotypical. date plans, picking them up, flowers, etc. he'd LOOOOVE to make one of those big baskets filled to the brim with random shit. would wanna come home and draw a nice bubble bath and have some wine. stuff like that in general...

ben, lulu, ann, and dina wouldnt do anything and wouldnt get a partner. lazari would draw some pictures for her friends! sally will draw something for jane and mary

[zhongrin]

ꦱꦸꦒꦺꦁꦢꦭꦸꦱꦪꦁ

◇ characters ◇ kaeya

◇ tags ◇ gn!reader, fluff, hurt/comfort, reader is sick and clingy (don't we all-), kaeya is so soggy and in love it's making my teeth hurt

◇ a/n ◇ happy holidays, all!! this is a fic for the genshin impact x reader secret santa 2022 event and is dedicated to @maaarshieee! hi there! we've never really interacted before but i found your blog because of the event and can i just say, your works are so sldkfjlskjdflsd. i wish this was longer but i am out of writing juice and i am hoping that you like the finished product :3

my javanese is super rusty so i might have butchered that title but yk what i am curious how many people can read it lmao no google translate to help you this time- ok fine i'll stop being mean- [en] translation of that title is 'good night, dear'.

𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ⬙ 𝑡𝑎𝑔𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡

“kaeyaaaa....”

“darling, go back to bed.”

it’s hard to take kaeya seriously when he’s standing in your kitchen with an apron and a ladle in his hand as he nurses a pot of porridge bought from good hunter this morning.

you pout and wobble towards him, eyes droopy and face flushed from your fever. with his swift reflexes and subtle display of precise control he has over his vision, the cavalry captain freezes off the fire on the stove before catching your body in his embrace. he's going to struggle to light the fire again without diluc's help, but your safety matters most and he doesn't think you'd appreciate your house burning down even in your delirious state.

you then proceeded to nuzzle him affectionately; he’s cool and smells good and comfy - the perfect companion for your feverish self, “missed you.”

“am i so attractive you crave my presence after just ten minutes of being deprived of it, hmm?”

you can’t see it, but a bashful, fond smile spreads unto your boyfriend’s lips when you readily nod against his chest. your sick self might be ten times needier than the normal you and is quite a handful, but he personally adores the way you oh-so-naturally seek and cling to him. it tells him that you need him even when you’re not in a rational state - that you trust him to care for you when you’re most vulnerable.

he’s wanted. he’s needed. by you. the light of his life.

but while he’s so smitten by your endearing self, he, unfortunately, also has to play the bad cop to ensure that you recover well under his care.

“just five more minutes, sweetheart. go lie down and i’ll bring you some food, then you can take your medicine.”

“mmm… don’ wanna…”

“do you want me to revoke your cuddling privileges?”

you look up at him with such horror in your expression, and he urges himself to not break his serious facade. had you known the way you're able to easily tug on his heartstrings, he’s sure it would be the end of him. it takes every bit of his determination to not crumble upon the crestfallen look in your pretty eyes and the slight downturn of your lips.

“… i’m sorry,” you finally say after a few beats of silence, understanding that he's not going to change his mind.

“you don’t have to apologize, love. just go lie down, and i’ll be with you in a se-”

“your day off,” a sniffle leaves you, “our date. i ruined it.”

your guilt isn’t unfounded - the knights of favorius doesn’t exactly have holiday breaks or frequent day offs. after all, disturbances of any kind still happen. rain or sun, summer or winter, hilichurl attacks and nefarious crimes threatens mondstadt and its citizens at all times. and so as the official protectors of the nation, it's only normal for them to be on standby at all times. and yet, now that your knightly boyfriend had managed to take his hard-earned vacation…

the edges of his eyes soften and kaeya hums, raising his hands to cup your burning cheeks and wipe the tear that had just fallen off the side of your eyes. you sigh in contentment at the feeling, and this time he’s unable to hold himself back from pressing a long kiss to your forehead; the cold sensation a pleasant distraction from the burning temperature of your body.

“is that what you’re so worried about? we can always go on dates another time,” he quickly adds when he sees you about to protest his claims, “and i don’t mind taking care of you on my day off. think of it as a repayment for all those times you nurse my hangovers.”

“but…”

“[name], darling,” the teasing lilt in his voice is nowhere to be found when he tilts your chin so your gazes meet, “it’s really fine. as long as we’re together.”

you give him a weak smile and shift to stand on your tiptoes, bringing your lips together in a sweet ki-

“-oops, naughty, naughty,” kaeya laughs from behind his palm that had covered his lips, effectively blocking your attempt at a kiss. upon seeing how offended you look, he laughs harder, hand moving to pinch your puffed up cheeks, distorting your series of grumbled protests. “i’m sorry, sweetheart, but i don’t want to get sick. sharing germs aren’t exactly caring, you see?”

“bu’ i wan a kith-” your plead is muffled against his hands and a fond look crosses your boyfriend’s face.

he’s always been weak to any sort of requests you make, especially if said request involves your ardent desire to profess your affection to him. it took him quite a while to feel worthy of your love in your early stage of relationship, but he has learned to enjoy them immensely now - although that’s not to say that he appreciates them any less. you’re still as precious to him as the first day he fell in love - if not more -now that he’s had a taste of how it feels to belong to you.

“when you're fully recovered, i’ll give you as many kisses as you want.”

“…… promise?”

“promise.”

“okay…”

“good, now that that’s settled - would you like to be carried to bed, your majesty?” your suave knight is back with the question, pearly white teeth glinting as he gives you a dashing smile.

you don't bother answering him verbally, but he still readily held you up the moment you latch onto him like an adorable sloth. it’s a short walk to the bedroom from your kitchen, and you spend the short time of tranquility nuzzling onto the knight’s shoulder, eyes closing peacefully as the feeling of safety wraps you in a blanket.

kaeya lowers you onto your bed gently, helps you adjust your pillow, and tugs the blanket up to cover your body. only when you’re tucked in comfortably your boyfriend allows himself to lovingly pat your cheek and places a kiss on the crown of your head, murmuring something under his breath; a language unknown to most and lost to time.

“what’s that one mean?” you ask drowsily, not recognizing the phrase of this specific one. you can recognize khaenri’ahn for i love you and be safe simply because of kaeya’s routinely reminders, but this one sounded foreign in your ears.

“it means ‘get well soon’,” he says as his palm rests against your cheek, further cooling the warm skin.

“i will,” leaving him with the promise, you drift onto the land of dreams.

kaeya stays for a few minutes and tells himself that it’s only so he’s sure that you’re asleep - and most definitely not because he missed your presence just as much as you did. eyeing your soft, relaxed sleeping face, he holds back the urge to press a quick kiss to the corner of your lips and redirects his target to the side of your temple instead.

another phrase falls from his lips; another routine, although he’s positive you wouldn’t recognize the words either, because he’s always said it whenever you’re sound asleep. it’s a little different than the others, only because in the language, there are a few meanings to those words.

good night.

sleep well.

i’ll be there with you when you open your eyes.

© zhongrin | 2022 ◆ no repost. reblogs much appreciated. feel free to reach out to submit suggestions, feedback, comments, or if you just want to talk!

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[never-enough-novels]

Tgg review

SPOILER

Firstly hats off to jlb for writing another amazing motherfucking book cause WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ RJRJJEJRJRJRKKRKRKRKRKKRKRKRKRKEKEKMKRKDKEKRKDKEKE

Let's go one by one-

At first I must say I actually liked Brady more than Knox but then like what the fuck dude???? Are you fuckinh serious???

I absolutely loveeddddd gigi in the entire book and she's my pookie 🫶🫶 I was sooo mad that she got out of the game but then oh boy the ending cause what the fuck slate i knew you were bad BUT NOT THAT BAD IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER IMMA KILL EVERYONE IM NOT EVEN KIDDING

Lyra kane🛐🛐 no words at all cause I'm speechless when it comes to her. Her whole banter with grayson was >>>>> and holy shit respectfully I want her to step on me. The process of her relationship with grayson was amazing and I really hope to see more of her in the next book

Grayson

Davenport

Hawthorne

MY MAN BITCHES PLS HE WAS SO UNEXPECTED IN RHE BOOK CAUSE IVE NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS AND ITS AMAZING ANDI HOPE TO SEE MORE OF HIM. I really liked how in this book he genuinely tried his best to be vulnerable amd it's gotta be hard when your whole life you have tried to only be a picture of perfection.

Savannah grayson and rohan

Ok listen people. I knew what was happening but I also didn't. But damn bro they're freaky af cause what the hell was that 😭😭 not that I'm complaining honestly I was kinda sad that savvanah was hurting this much and the fact that she still doesn't know the full truth. And I think we can agree on the fact that they are gonna be the main part of the divine rivals

And considering how close gigi and savannah were on tbh I don't like how their relationship deteriorated in this book.

Odette was just sus in the entire book bro cause how the fuck does she know literally everything that was happening???

Brady dude I just Hate you no words to that. I understand but still gigi was pookie up didn't have to hurt her like that

MY GIRL AVERY AND JAMESON DJDKJDJDJDNEJR THEY WERE SOOOO CUTE IN THE BOOK (Whatever we could see anyway)

I absolutely loveeeeee xander and gigi's relationship cause it's like sunshine friend with another sunshine

NASH AND LIBBY NASH AND LIBBY NASH AND LIBBY

Bro they had babies I'm soooo happy for them but i really wish we could see more of them😭😭 like we barely had them in tbh and then we get fed with barely any crumbles.

Ok I only wrote what I remember I'll read again and post more<333

[deltaruminations]

i thought this suspension of disbelief video by snarlinger was really cool. anyway here's a bunch of shit i wrote after watching it LOL

thinking on the topic of emotional investment as a point of vulnerability, as something a story could exploit, the entanglement of promises and contracts… the power struggle between gaster and the player is one of the more interesting aspects of deltarune to me because, in terms of coercive force, gaster is objectively less powerful than the player. gaster can present the contract, but he can't necessarily enforce it. the player can put down the game at any time and never pick it up again, and no amount of suspension of disbelief can convince the vast majority of players that he’ll actually hurt them over it. that's a step too far even for the most immersive of games. I think gaster knows this, and so he uses something else as leverage: our emotional attachment to deltarune's characters. he weaponizes our Connection. don't want to continue after a game over? he basically says, “ok, i can't stop you, but you should know that your friends in the game will be doomed to suffer in darkness unless you come back." you took their future into your hands the second you downloaded the program – so, is this the future you want for them? are they real to you, or not? do you love them less than you loved your friends in undertale? gaster promises a “survey,” then launches us into a game, then before we realize what's happened, the game has become a responsibility. for the player, the Promise to the in-universe characters and the Contract with gaster are one and the same.

one thing i wonder about with gaster is the degree to which he, himself, is the thing lying in wait, the predatory force, vs. how much he might be analogous to the audience in his relationship to deltarune's world: someone who has been drawn into a power struggle with its narrative and its mechanisms and is tormented by that struggle. gaster’s hope for a “NEW FUTURE” may be directly at odds with the intended “one ending” – a direct conflict between his power and his interests and those of the intended narrative or its creator. maybe gaster drags the player into this struggle because he thinks that's the only way that he can be free of it – gaster is bound by some Connection of his own, an investment in this world and its future; he can't rest until he sees the realization of that dream, and he can't realize that dream without the player's participation. like us, gaster isn't of the world, nor can he share in whatever better future he might want for it, yet he's nonetheless driven by a sentimentality for it that eats away at him from the inside. he's desperately committed to his belief in something that shouldn't be real: a meaningful change in a narrative that's only supposed to have one ending; a meaningful choice in a world where those aren't supposed to matter.

that said, i think there's something to the idea of deltarune having some force lurking in its darkest shadows, something that's desperate to be seen, believed in, and made “real” through belief – though I don't think it's gaster, and i’m not sure it's necessarily malevolent. consider some of the motivations that theorists often ascribe to gaster: a desire to be found, to be seen, to be restored to the narrative. in a way, gaster has already been “found” and “seen” – he's presented himself directly to us; and gaster already has something of a place in the story, if not within The Narrative. but isn't there someone else who's missing from the universe, who wants to return to it, and who might have little option but to cry out into the darkness and hope someone finds her? someone in just as eldritch a position as gaster’s, who is afraid and alone, demanding sympathy and aid, yet is lost in a mystery that threatens to ensnare and devour anyone who attempts to give it?

if gaster is in some way a mirror to the player, then he needs a motivation that reflects our own. our motivation is our Connection: our irrational love for characters that are intangible to us, who can never really be our friends, but who we promise to stand by regardless -- no matter how dark it gets, how deep we have to descend for them. dess has been described as “the gaster of deltarune” – and maybe she's the gaster to gaster himself, his mew under the truck, the secret alternate storyline he needs to unlock. the "NEW FUTURE" is one and the same with her future, a future that includes the endless potentials and cascading impacts of a life restored after being cut short. we answered his call -- did he answer hers?

let's say he did. if the player gives up on deltarune, then we break our “promise” to our friends in that world – we leave them alone to suffer in darkness. if gaster gives up on deltarune, then he breaks his promise to his friend – he leaves her alone to suffer in darkness – and without the player's cooperation, giving up will be the only option he has left. however far the player is willing to go to save their favorite characters -- will gaster go just as far to save his?

or to put it more metaphorically: is dess the angler fish's lure, and gaster simply a fish who was caught? is his Promise to her also a Contract with mystery itself? is he now feeding a hungry, mindless darkness, throwing himself, and the player, and kris, and anyone else he has to into the pit, all in his desperate belief in something that can't possibly be real: that if he can only sate the Depths, it will let her go free?

[the-genius-az]

One of the reason that makes me believe that azula would definitely not be the rapist type; is exactly that need of control, in the episode the beach azula at some point KNOWS that she doesn't know how to flirt, what she does? In the moment she can, she ask for help, she gets herself inform before trying again with chan, and even in her first attemp all she try to do is a verbal compliment, she fails horrendously, but didn't try some crazy move or something, she barely poke the guy with a stick metaphorically speaking.

Azula doesn't want to just do things, she wants to do things right (her own version of right, lets not forget she is not really a good samaritan), not anything less than perfect is in her character, is azula is going to have a couple she will be the perfect match then, she will be the greatest, the most, she gives her best even in small acomplisments.

It get to the point that azula doesn't go anywhere o do anything whithout a plan first, whithout information of any kind, even a little piece of it.

In a ground of no knowlege, azula, as any other person, get cautious, and maybe i dare to say a little nervous, thats why she is so painfully awkard in the escene, she has little to cero actual knowlege in anything related to couples, and instead of just demanding or use her power to get it, she actually try to make it happen in a more "natural" way.

Azula is not against the idea of love and be loved, in fact as any other she crave it, azula can deny it, of course she can! Of course she will! "Fear is the only reliable way" but yet in the moment she thought she had a chance took it.

In fact sometimes i believe that azula could be really vulnerable in this type of topics.

But well thats just what i think, i don't really want to set a huge debate or anything but a did want to share my mind in the topic, im sorry if we are making a huge mess of it... this can be sensible for some people, and for that im truly sorry, from know on i think we can just move on.

Its ok if you just read this, im not really expecting an answer, but by the way you blog is awesome, its even made me want to write and draw again, thank you <3

but by the way you blog is awesome, its even made me want to write and draw again, thank you <3

I love you.

[prettybrownelf]

From Eden

Non MLM/NBLM DNI

Chapter 8

Pairings- Knight! Eddie Munson x Prince! Male! Reader

Summary- After a difficult night, the prince and his sworn protecter decide to have a day in the city. New and old feelings finally meet

Word Count- 3018

Content Warnings- Throwing Up, Slight Fluff

(Chapter 9)

Eddie wakes up to the sound of you puking. 

The cold spot next to him in bed leaves a small pain in his heart as he stares at the ceiling. Last night is the only thing on his mind as he attempts to force himself to get out of bed. Eddie cringes as he hears you throw up again, slowly making his way over to the small bathing area to make sure you're ok. 

You're not. 

Hunched over the toilet, hands gripping the edges, you don't even realize Eddie is behind you as vomit forces itself out again. Eddie wordlessly rubs your back, feeling you jump a little at the contact as you catch your breath. 

Sitting on the cold floor, he watches you put your head in your hands as a loud groan leaves your mouth. “Are you alright?” “Do I look fucking alright?” He has to bite his lip from laughing at you as he bends down to your level. 

His body moves before his thoughts can tell him to stop, as he takes your chin in his hand to have you look up at him. Even like this, you still look stunning. Heat travels to his cheeks as your flushed face falls into his hand, seemingly cherishing the feeling as you take slow deep breaths. 

Eddie refuses to move, savoring the small tender moment between the two of you. “I feel like shit.” The way you look up at him makes him swoon. Your puppy dog eyes shoot him right through the heart as you attempt to stand on your own two feet. You're wobbly, but at least you're not crying. 

“Help me get ready please.” You ask, voice soft like silk as you slowly make your way back to your bedroom. 

Please. You'd never asked him to do something politely before. 

Maybe he's just overthinking all of this. His brain finally caught up to having some sort of feelings for you and now he can't even think straight when he's looking at you. Even when you're stumbling to get your clothes on he can't help but stare. 

The curve of your hips, the bending of your waist, the way you flex your shoulder blades, the slight bend of your neck just begging for him to bite it. 

Helping you slip on your normal black and gold attire, the feeling on your skin under his fingertips is enough to make his head spin in circles. His eyes catch yours in the mirror as you stumble back to the bathroom without a word. 

Eddie hears you quickly brush your teeth as he stands motionless. What is he supposed to do with himself? Just your presence is enough to make him want to bend you over and fuck the shi–. 

“Eddie” Your voice luckily cuts through his thoughts as you walk to the door. “I know it's your job to stay by my side but could you make sure I don't trip over myself today?” A nod is all he can muster up in return. 

Your eyes seem to linger on him for a moment before you leave, Eddie close behind. He knows he's supposed to be alert when he's on the job, ready to attack at any second, but he can't. His mind refuses to release him from its hold as he stares at your back. Forcing his eyes from going any further down is harder than any sword training he's done. 

He hasn't exactly had the time to sit and think about the realization he had last night. But the way he's started to notice the way your hips sway when you walk is making him think a lot more about it, no matter how much he tries to stop it. 

Is he really in love with you? He spent the last years despising your entire existence, but the second there was an opportunity for you to be taken away from him, something in him switched. It's not like you liked him, you had cussed each other out not too long ago. But the tender way you were with him last night still plays in his head. The way you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with him. Sure he had seen you get upset, like when the two of you squabble in the garden, or after the argument you had with your father, but never like that. 

“Eddie.” The whisper of your voice is so low he almost doesn't hear it as he stands to attention, looking down at your tired eyes. “Yes, My Lord?” You sigh as you lean against the wall, seemingly not caring about meeting your father to go over the guest list for your wedding. “I don't care about who's coming.” You seem to be talking to yourself more than you talking to him as you throw a devious smirk his way. “I want to go to town.” The regularly annoyed groan leaves Eddie's throat, though it's not as angry as it normally is. “My Lord, your father will be furious.” You roll your eyes playfully as you turn to go down the steps that lead to the garden. “What's he going to do? I'm getting married in only a few days, he can't do anything to me right now.” You turn to look at him from the bottom of the steps. 

“I'm untouchable right now.” 

The child-like grin on your face warms Eddie's heart. How could he say no to you? He sighs as he begins to walk down the stairs. “Fine. But only because I'm sworn to follow you.” The grin on your face gets brighter as you skip your way to the garden, Eddie following close behind, questioning every choice he's made up till this moment. But the pure joy radiating off you gives a sense of comfort and a slight ping of worry. You were just crying your eyes out yesterday, how are you suddenly so chipper? 

His thoughts set themselves aside as he follows you through the streets of the city, watching strangers bow to you and give their congratulations on your wedding. Your mood seems to have improved at the drop of a hat as you step into a small, dingy bar. Patrons immediately stare at you as you sit at a small table in the back. A bar maiden takes your order, failing to hide the anxiety on her face as you lean back in the chair. 

Eddie doesn't even realize how stiff he is till you touch his armored shoulder. “You can relax, you know.” Eddie gives a small glance at you as he lets his shoulders fall. It's strangely comforting, to see you be more of yourself. 

The drinks come quickly as you immediately put the tankard to your lips. “Are you sure you want to get drunk again My Lord?” Eddie keeps his voice quiet to make sure no other patrons could hear. You giggle as you place the drink on the table. “I won't get drunk, at most ill get tipsy.” Eddie can't help but laugh with you as he takes a sip from his drink. “I've seen you get drunk twice in the last few weeks My Lord, I find it hard to believe you want to do it again.” You smile as you play with the hem on your jack, leaning your head back against the wall behind you. “I know, I'm sorry you had to see that.” 

Did you just apologize to him? 

It takes Eddie a moment to respond as he takes in the fact that you, of all people, apologized to him. “It's perfectly alright My Lord, you were going through some difficult things. It's only natural for you to try to cope.” When you roll your eyes he expects you to go back to your normal, angry, and annoyed self, the way you used to always be when he was around. But instead, you throw back your drink as you give him a small kick under the table. “You don't need to call me your Lord Eddie. No one can hear us, besides, it gets annoying.” Eddies took aback as he finishes his drink, assuming you were about to get up and leave. “What would you like me to call you?” You look at him like he's stupid. “My name.” 

“Like you did last night.” 

Heat fills Eddie's cheeks as he watches you stand up. He didn't think you would bring up what happened last night, or that you even remembered it with how fucked up you were. You begin to walk to the door, turning around to make sure he's behind you. “Let's have some fun!” And just like that you out the door, Eddie desperately trying to keep up with you as he watches you stop to talk to the townspeople, buying things from the market stall, all of it with a smile on your face. 

A smile he's learned to love. 

➵

The setting sun pours into the lavish guest bedroom as Robin paces around the room. 

“I mean, what if someone does find out!” Nancy rolls her eyes as he puts her clothes back on, laughing at her girlfriend as she paces around in only her underwear. 

“My love, no one is going to find out. Once I marry (Y/n) I'll tell him everything and we’ll work something out.” Robin looks at her like she's insane as she flops down on the bed next to her. Her words come out of her faster than her brain can register as Nancy slowly gives her the clothes that were discarded on the floor for her to put on while she rambles. “But what he doesn't understand. What if he gets super mad and tells his dad and then I get sent back across the ocean and I never get to see you again!” Nancy cuts Robin off with a sweet kiss on her lips. “Baby, I already talked to him. We both know we aren't in love with each other, but we agreed to try and make everything work out.” Nancy runs her hair through Robin's hair, resting her hand on her freckled cheek. “Everything will be ok, love.” Robin takes a deep breath and nods as she puts her clothes back on. 

Nancy lays back in bed, enjoying the warmth of the sunset on her skin. “Once he knows about us I'm sure things will get better. He's a sweet boy.” Robin doesn't respond as she focuses on not being naked anymore. You truly are a nice guy, you seem sweet and understanding, but you're still a prince from one of the most powerful families Robin has ever heard of. You're unpredictable, and that's a worrying thought. 

➵

The town celebrating upcoming weddings isn't something new. It happens every time, but being up close to the lights and the music was more than Eddie could have ever expected. He heard about your father's wedding from his uncle Wayne when he was younger. The rumor was the town rejoiced for your mother more than your father, but it was more of unspoken knowledge. 

Now, as the townspeople dance in the lights on the torches and stars, he realizes that they're dancing for you. 

You had dragged Eddie around the entire town today. Buying small things from shops and then giving whatever you got to random people you saw on the street, eating any pastry you could get your hands on, and talking to anyone who wanted to have a conversation. He had never seen you so at peace before. 

Now that night had come, the lights hanging from the buildings lit up the streets as laughing and music filled your ears. Eddie could tell the noise piqued your interest as you made your way to the town square. 

The beautiful stone below your feet is covered in dried paint of all colors, mimicking the shape of flower petals as a bunch of people dance together in the middle of the square. A small band plays together off the side as the observers clap along to the beat, laughing and smiling as they watch their friends dance the night away. 

The pure joy that lights your face makes Eddie's heart flutter as you hold yourself up against the wall next to you, taking your shoes off. “What the hell are you doing?” You throw that full tooth grin at him as you hand your shoes to him. “I can't dance in these!” You laugh as you run into the middle of the dance circle, linking arms with an older woman, leaving Eddie to stand by the wall with everyone else, eyes never leaving you. The way the lights highlight your smile is enough to make him swoon, as he leans back against the brick behind him. The second the song ends you run over to him, handing him your jacket and sash, leaving you in a black button-up. 

Before Eddie can try and convince you to get back to the castle, a small girl tugs on your sleeve as the next song starts back up. 

“Excuse me, My Lord.” Her voice is small as she looks up at you with big brown eyes. You bend down to her height with a smile. “Yes, dear?” She giggles as she talks. “Would you like to dance with me?” You fake shock as you take her hand. “I should be asking to dance with you!” Her smile gets brighter as you walk to the dance circle with her. “And what's your name dear?” She smiles up at you as she bows. “Lani, My Lord.” You bow right back as you take her hands, spinning around with the others in the circle, a smile never leaving your face. 

Getting you back to the castle clearly isn't going to happen any time soon. Eddie sits down in a small chair as he watches you. The pure happiness on your face warms his heart as he leans back, allowing himself to relax as the sound of music and the smell of cider fills his presence. You twirl around the small girl you're dancing with as you pass her to the next person, linking hands with an old man. Everyone around you has a mix of happiness and shock on their face as you let yourself free in their presence. 

Eddie removes his helmet, placing it on the ground next to him, letting his long brown curls fall against his shoulders. A deep breath is all he needs as he finally lets himself be comfortable, allowing his thoughts of you to continue. 

The pure, exciting happiness coming from the people around you, the way you seem more at home with them than when you're in the castle, the way you truly seem to care about all of them. Maybe you aren't just some pompous rich prince, maybe there's more to you than he thought. 

His thoughts keep him company as the night comes to a close. Eddie watched as you stumbled into an alleyway, laughing to yourself as you caught your breath, the only light coming from the moonlight above the two of you. 

“This has been the most fun night of my life.” You smile. Eddie smiles back as he hands you your shoes and jacket. “I'm glad you had fun, but I think we should get back.” You groan as you put your clothes back on, struggling a bit with your shoes. The silence that fills the air isn't as difficult to stand for Eddie as before as he takes you by the hand and helps you off the wall. “I don't want to leave.” Eddie smirks a bit as he hands you the sash. “I know, but your father will probably have my head if you're not back soon.” Eddie looks out to the street as he watches the lanterns that line the street slowly turn off. Your presence next to him makes him jump as he looks down at you. 

“Eddie.” He raises an eyebrow as he tries to figure out what you're going to do. “Yes?” He watches you let out a shaky breath. “You haven't said my name all night. Even when I told you to.” Eddie can't hide his blush behind his helmet any more. “Sorry.” 

“Say it.” 

Eddie tries to keep himself from pushing you against the wall and kissing you as the grip he has on his helmet tightens. “(Y/n).” You smile as Eddie's mind races between kissing you right now or walking you back to your room. 

Luckily for him, you choose first. 

It takes a moment for him to recognize the feeling of your hand on his cheek as you pull his face to yours. Eddie swears he sees stars as his lips finally meet yours. Something in his brain flips as he drops the helmet on the floor, his hands immediately grip your hips as he holds you as close to his body as he can. You tilt your head to the side, letting him deepen the kiss as the grip he has on you gets bruisingly tight. He doesn't want this to end, he wants to stay in this very moment for the rest of his life. 

He only pulls away for air, taking in the sight of your glossy lips and half-lidded eyes. He feels like his body has gone into some sort of shock as he stares at you, begging any god that can hear him to never let his end. “Should we leave?” You whisper, eyes still locked onto his lips. He doesn't want to say yes, he wants to be selfish, to keep you with him forever. 

His body betrays him as he slowly lets you go. “Yeah, let's get back.” 

The walk back is silent, Eddie's mind is racing so fast that he doesn't even realize when you get to the door of your bedroom. Before he can speak, you're putting your lips back on his, a quick but deep peck as you smile up at him. “Goodnight Eddie.” Eddie smiles back as he lets you go. 

“Goodnight (Y/n).” 

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

nanshe fest anon here, haha let me invent a callsign .... how about Rio :)

i totally relate to what you mean when you said you are not able to distinguish between the "lesbian" and bisexual experience shared in that interview. things like this hindered my ability to understand what my sexuality even was, since i cant relate to either of them. then i read "lesbian books" and dont understand how they can have sex with men without a mental breakdown. i had a mental breakdown about my sexuality when i was pressured to marry, tried DIY conversion therapy on myself but when i faced with the option of even touching a man sexually, death seemed better because how could i live like that? theres no way. of course this made my mental health worse but not to trauma dump - i am ok now, so dont worry.

the anon who talked about strap ons was also very insightful. the focus on strap-on contributed to me developing a severe sense of dysphoria around my genitalia with this depression that i would never be able to have a "real" sex life.

this is why it is so important for lesbian experiences to be heard, i think the queer spaces are making things worse for us, particularly when we are young and vulnerable. also i am from a non-english speaking country, where homosexuality is still criminal so i could only turn to these spaces for support. i think even in countries such as the US, its the same for a lot of lesbian girls in rural towns... they turn to these spaces for help online since its so scary to be a child in a violent homophobic family. maybe they get helped because its worse than nothing. but also it can screw with ur mind a lot. my dream lesbian event would be to hear from more lesbians of color who grew up outside west europe/us/canada... i had to leave my birth country to be able to have a future. but i feel so awkward to be the only lesbian of color in the room 99% of the time. its not that the white women are cruel, dont misunderstand me, they can be lovely and supportive. but it adds an extra level of alienation, because so many times in my country people would call homosexuality as a white persons invention. of course i know that lesbians exist elsewhere but it would be nice to see that in person at these events!

-rio

Hi again, Rio! :D

Yeah it's messed up that even in the "lesbian community" we think we're freaks so we don't even dare talking about our experience! I grew up in a small town and I remember discreetly reading sex ed books for teens at the bookshop for any info or positivity about lesbians, instead I would only find a paragraph telling me it's a phase. So tumblr was my lesbian safe space back in 2010, for example the "it gets better" campaign really helped me when I was bullied in high-school (unfortunately now that charity pretends they have no idea what a lesbian is...) Now the lesbian content is awful and lesbophobic everywhere, offline and online.

And I feel you about lesbian books, I finally got around to reading one I bought years ago because it was recommended to me and it was about two "lesbians" leaving their husbands for each other... We need book lists with actual lesbian rep!

All the strap-on stuff invading lesbian spaces is so weird yeah... A few minutes ago I clicked on a blog because she was talking about wanting to finger a woman while having acrylic nails, which made me go 🤨 and while she called herself a lesbian, it was obvious she wasn't, it was all talk about c*ckwarming and deepthr*ating ("but it's only for strap and girlc*ck, if you're a man do not interact!!!!" 🤪) I don't know if you had sex already but let me tell you that you are not lacking anything and no real lesbian will think you need a sex toy to be a complete partner and have real sex, she will only want you as you are. I mean, my ex-gf and I never even considered trying a strap-on and we definitely thought the sex we were having was real and amazing haha

About meeting lesbians of color, maybe you can find events on Instagram? I wondered why I never saw many women of color at lesbian events in Paris until I learned that black women preferred creating their own events and advertising them on Insta! Maybe you can also find an organization for LGBT refugees? Hopefully you can meet lesbians there :)

[del3141]

This is... an experiment of sorts. I'm not sure if I'm going to stick with Tumblr when all is said and done; it's a friendly and fun site, but this isn't a place where I've felt like it's OK or welcome to post personal things. But I'm going to give it a shot.

CW: Growing-up trauma, parent-induced trauma, misanthropy. Heavy things. Long post.

This is something like automatic writing that I'm trying to do here, only the spirit I'm trying to channel is my subconscious. I don't know what its thesis is. But it needs to get some things out that have been troubling it for a long long time, and I'm going to do what I can to aid the process along in the only way I remember how, by writing it down. It's been a long time since I've done this.

I used to write things down a lot more. I wrote in a LiveJournal back when that was a thing. I had a small core of people I knew online, and I wrote for them, but I also wrote a lot for myself. I never liked having a journal just for myself, but I liked being able to write in a place where other people I knew and liked could share their thoughts on the things that I thought about.

Unfortunately, what happened to that was my father found the journal, well after I moved out and cut off contact with him, and he used it to try to get back in contact with me. I friends-only locked my posts after that, every single one, manually, that was how much I did not want him to be part of my life anymore. I also left a comment on my journal explaining that I did this because I didn't want family reading my journal. For a while, things were okay. A few posts of mine I got some comments from folks asking to unlock them so they could share - simple stuff, the one I remember was about what I thought of 4th ed D&D, because apparently I described it pretty well - so I unlocked a few for sharing. My father jumped on those. After that, I ended the journal. It's still out there on LJ, but it hasn't been posted to, and it won't be posted to again.

That, plus seeing what some of the truly evil shit done to people I know online, by places that openly celebrate harming people for who or what they are, got me to close off my online presence for over a decade. It seemed better to be invisible than to be vulnerable.

-----

A year or so ago, I sent one last email to my mother, in response to her latest of many, many attempts to convert me back into evangelical Christianity and sell me on being a Republican because schools are grooming children and because she fears for my soul and also because tired party-of-lincoln bullshit. This is after they very honestly told me about their running interference for my stepbrother, who is now convicted of the kind of crimes my parents think LGBTQ+ people are committing. I told her not to contact me again. She has respected my wishes.

I've not sent the one last email to my father, because I am concerned that any contact with him whatsoever will be used as a means to get more information on how to *continue* contact. The best approach I have devised involving him is to be a black box - no information goes to him from me. He continues to attempt to reach me, either through new email addresses or through social media invites from any direction he can manage. He's made actionable threats to others, and he'd do the same to me.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I've severed contact with my family. It doesn't last. Mostly what I feel is anger towards them, for being what they were and are. So much of the cruelty in the world that I see is so tightly wrapped up with the culture of my parents that, when I see things in the world that are hateful and cruel, the reaction in the back of my mind is: These are the things that my parents are putting into the world, eagerly, enthusiastically, with the confidence that God is on their side, and there are millions upon millions more just like them, eager to see the world carved bloody until it fits their expectations.

What I feel more than anything is... surrounded. I've separated myself from the shitty place I came from, but that place is just a microcosm of the species. There are things that this species does that are profoundly alien to me, sometimes even hostile, things it does to others of its own kind that it's deemed "not like us". The best you can get from a relationship like that is polite, tense tolerance; if things go badly, you can expect violence, of one kind or another. It feels like there is no in-road to be part of these communities - you can be tolerated among them, but you won't be accepted, if your mind and your ideals don't conform to theirs. You are here, and they will let you be here, but you are not welcome, and they are keeping an eye on you for behaviour that they will scorn.

I've now spent nearly forty years in a world where I am not welcome. I've learned to put on a very convincing mask, and that's kept me relatively safe for a very long time. It also helps that I'm a cis white male previously in the USA and now in Canada, I've had a lot of easy coasting on that because it makes the mask more acceptable. It takes a lot out of me to keep the mask up. It still feels safer to be invisible, but you can't be in the world without being a part of it.

It's a bit like being a mouse, living in the walls, nibbling at the edges of the world and just trying not to get caught or trapped.

[system-of-a-feather]

Also a lil more elaboration on this post from the OG guy in the system who talks this shit but it's also important to know when adopting radical self acceptance is that being a fucking idiot and a coward and crap literally has no inherent "oh Im a good or bad or cool or lame" person on it's own

Literally everyone is stupid in their own way and literally everyone has the things they are scared to deal with and face from time to time. I'm a part very dissociated from the concept of fear and my brain converts it fast to other shit, but I do fear letting myself down - both as a part and as a part ofba system - and doing harm by the few I deeply respect; momentarily I am prone to being scared of having my shit taken - trauma crap

That shits literally normal, being scared of shit is literally a completely normal and natural thing across almost all animal species (some argue all). There is no personal judgement attached to literally any feeling on its own.

The difference is whether you can look at that feeling and say "damn I'm scared and that a sucks ass feeling" and actually accept, address and deal with that feeling - or if you are going to deny-deny-deny.

And that isn't to say "Oh you are a stupid coward for wanting to deny it" because again, it is OK to admit you are scared and not ready to deal with something. That takes huge fucking balls to admit. If you aren't ready to deal with it, cool man that's fine, but do take a moment to actually affirm that with yourself - that CURRENTLY in the moment you are not ready to deal with it.

That is not "running away from it like a coward" that is acknowledging the truth of your current state and leaving space for it.

If you can get comfortable admitting that you are too scared to do something right now, you are inherently - in subtext - letting yourself know that 1) you accept that you are scared and it is a real thing about you that you are willing to embrace but also 2) that as much as that is a truth of your current state, that it is just that - a current state.

There literally is no shame or inherent judgement to be found in a feeling alone. Feelings alone don't mean shit. Feelings alone LITERALLY don't mean SHIT. It's how you handle and act in regards to them both internallyvwith yourself and externally with others that determines if you are being cringe (derogatory) or cringe (affectionate) and sorry not sorry, every action you do there will be someone who thinks you are cringe so theres no escaping being cringe WHILE being your authentic self.

Anyways, building radical self acceptance is a hard thing to do so I got mad respects for anyone building it. Most of the system doesn't get it yet either and so I get how hard it is and all.

I actively basically bully and harrass Riku about it 24/7 7 days a week 52 weeks a year for the past 3 years until they get it into their dumb skull. And while I call them a fuckin dumbass, I am pretty proud of how casually and readily they have learned to admit when they are being "a coward" which is easier verbage for them than outright saying "scared" which I'll take.

But honestly, get in touch with your vulnerable "not cool" parts of yourself that you are embarrassed about and just get used to stating it as it is. Those vulnerable and embarrassing aspects are only as embarrassing and insecure as you let them be. If you hide them and try to keep people from seeing it, of course you are going to feel scared to let others see it, of course you are going to feel insecure, and of course you aren't going to be confident when anything relating that comes up out of fear of your insecurity showing.

It's self assassination honestly. Judging your emotions and internal experiences like they mean anything other than a reflection of your current self and what you need us just not productive.

But I digress. Its a complicated and difficult thing to build and work on and itll always be more nuanced and specific to the individual than I can ever chart out in a casual ramble on some of my life philosophies and principles on shit.

So take home message? Try to stop judging your feelings and just, ya know, have them. They may suck but its just how it is in the moment and the moment can always change.

[pynkhues]

I'm the G/A shipper lol. Thank you for ur answer!! I do think it would've taken Gregg and Annie more time to come together, and even if I get what you're saying, of it could be them regressing (going back to what they'd already done), it just seemed like it was made to be. Gregg also just didn't seem like he really loved Nancy, and Nancy deserved better.

I had a related question. Why do you think it was SO hard for G to come up with what he liked about Annie? Like I wrote in my original ask, I didn't buy it for a second, and while it seemed to say much more about G to me than G and A's connection, I still hated it. It just seemed to really brush off/completely take out meaning of G and A's connection like it didn't mean anything, which even if they betrayed Nancy, and were very immature about it (with again G deceiving his wife while they were trying to conceive???? NOT OK), they clearly had a real connection, and I do think had genuine feelings for each other. Not to mention their history. What's your take?

(x)

I agree that Greg never seems like he's really in love with Nancy, but I also think it's important to remember that we only ever truly see them as a couple through Annie's POV. We're actually robbed as viewers of moments of intimacy or connection between them because at the end of the day, Annie herself doesn't really want to see it.

I do think there's a fair speculation too that Greg probably wanted the opposite of Annie when their relationship imploded and so sought a person like Nancy as a sort of marker of an 'adult' relationship, which is especially interesting because I think the show does a good job of depicting Greg as pretty immature still himself. There is the sort of vibe that Nancy probably parents Greg a bit in that relationship, but for a man who became a father himself when he was a boy, it makes a lot of sense.

Which really comes to your question of why Greg couldn't come up with anything he liked about Annie when she asked. I totally agree with you that I think he could probably list a lot of things he liked about Annie, but I tend to think there are a few things at play.

Firstly, and funnily enough, if I were to compare Greg to other characters in the show, the one I tend to think he's most like is actually Beth. He maintains a performative life that it's clear he's not happy in, he tries to be a good father but doesn't always make it work, he's prone to being selfish, finds himself backsliding into a relationship he thinks he needs to move on from, and is overall reluctant to being vulnerable or emotionally available. That's Beth! And honestly, I think it makes sense for Annie to seek that in a man given her most formative relationship in life is with her sister. (It's why I'll forever be mad too that we never got any Beth + Greg scenes!)

Of course, Annie's not that much better - she deflects with humour and he lets her, but when she circles back to vulnerability, which she usually does, he can't bring himself to be open with her about his feelings which is I think clearest in their scene together in 1.09.

And then she deflects, again, with a joke.

I talk about it a lot in the context of Beth and Rio where I think the show does a really good job of depicting that some dynamics are really hard to change. Whether its Beth and Rio's inherit omissions of truth and their games, or hell, even Beth as the placating, mothering housewife and Dean as the philandering breadwinner, a dynamic established can sometimes feel like a dynamic immovable, and I do think a part of that is what's at fault with Annie and Greg. It's why they so often become kids when they're together again, but I think is also why the space to be honest and open with each other is often seen as a chance to joke or shrug off or make light of everything that was once, and still is, real between them.

It's not to say they don't feel it, or that they don't know. It's just easier to not say it and to not have to deal with the consequences of what it actually means.

[fincalinde]

thank you so much for all your great jgy meta! i know you mostly post about xiyao, but i was wondering if you had any thoughts on su she?

I'm embarrassed! I'm blushing!

Seriously thanks though. I'd write just as much meta about LXC on his own if people asked me about it, since neither character is represented in particularly grounded ways by fandom. But JGY is the one who is the recipient of a baffling amount of hate, so I do tend to write about him on his own more.

But OK, it's Minshan's turn. I'm sure you'll be astonished that I don't think I've seen much if any textually-grounded portrayals of SMS. I'm not going to write an entire thesis on how to write him in a way that's consistent with what we see in canon, but I'll highlight a couple of points I think are notable and should be taken into account when writing him.

Gaslight

I like SMS and I think he's actually really interesting. I really try not to look over the parapet much in fandom, but obviously considering my interests I've been exposed to a lot more material on the subject of SMS and JGY than the subject of SMS and LWJ. I think SMS' weird hate-filled parasocial obsession with LWJ shouldn't be neglected when writing him. SMS wants to be LWJ but he hates the idea of anyone thinking he wants to be LWJ. SMS founded his own clan which means he must have a wife and children (and concubines too for all I know), but if he's feeling gay feelings for anyone it's probably LWJ.

LWJ represents SMS' fragile sense of self; SMS doesn't simply want to succeed outside the Lan, he wants to be a better Lan than the Lan. But he can't admit that to himself, so he reacts with fury whenever the comparison is made. My personal read on SMS is that his LWJ obsession doesn't have a sexual element, but it wouldn't necessarily be inconsistent with what we do see of him. Still, I think the more grounded read is that his LWJ obsession is the mirror of his relationship with JGY. Don't forget, the Moling Su would have crashed and burned not long after being founded if JGY hadn't intervened and supported them. He is very happy to be JGY's subordinate because JGY treats him with respect (which I speculate also means politely never drawing attention to the fact that SMS is baring his neuroses to the entire world by cosplaying as LWJ). Meanwhile LWJ, who has never respected SMS and will never respect him, inspires the opposite: SMS is desperate to best LWJ despite knowing deep down it's never going to happen.

Gatekeep

Let's get this out of the way: the relationship between JGY and SMS is firmly situated in the master-servant dynamic. Suffice to say that SMS is doggedly loyal to JGY in a supportive capacity, and the core of their relationship is reflected in its origins: JGY as a benevolent master and SMS as a devoted lackey. SMS is loyal to JGY because JGY treated him with kindness and support at a time when he was extremely politically vulnerable. JGY's kindness towards SMS is a combination of his usual politeness, hospitality and excellent memory, and his political support of SMS is a savvy move of its own as it nets him an ally who is loyal to him as a person rather than to the Jin as a whole.

My read on JGY's tears when SMS dies is that they're sincere both in the sense that he'll grieve SMS and also that he's just lost his best and most loyal servant. There's no indication he's lost a dear friend, and it's important to also remember his casual 'thanks' when SMS offers to sacrifice himself. SMS is, again, making this sacrifice as a lackey not as a friend of equal standing or a potential lover.

I like SMS fine and I really like his relationship with JGY. JGY obviously trusts him deeply but they both appear happy with the master-servant dynamic and haven't in all their years of collaboration moved towards the kind of warm and intimate friendship JGY has with LXC. Knowing JGY's secrets does not necessarily mean being closest to JGY emotionally.

Girlboss

We get a lot of conflicting information in canon about SMS' power level and talents, so it's not surprising that portrayals of him in fandom vary from incompetent to underestimated genius. I think what can sometimes be missing from these reads is an awareness of context.

One of the main things I've seen raised as evidence that SMS is actually a gifted cultivator is his utilisation of the transportation talisman. Being able to teleport in this manner is very difficult because of the large amount of power it requires. So, fair enough, there's no doubt that SMS has access to a decent amount of raw power. He's prospered alongside JGY so it's not surprising he's been able to develop his cultivational reserves and/or strengthen his core.

This doesn't really indicate that his strength is exceptional, though. The way these moments play out, it seems that cultivators at or above that power level are around. This is an impressive feat but it's not an astonishing one. Portraying SMS as weak contradicts canon, but I can't see any evidence that he's exceptionally strong in the context not just of the jianghu but of the (for the most part) exceptionally powerful cultivators who comprise much of the main cast.

So SMS is definitely a reasonably powerful cultivator, which again is to be expected considering the resources available to him (education amongst the Lan, the patronage of JGY). But it doesn't necessarily follow that SMS himself is exceptional.

SMS and the Moling Su practise similar and/or identical techniques to the Lan and canonically are inferior musicians. There's room for some subjectivity here insofar as we know that at the Burial Mounds the variations in their playing are dismissed by the Lan as standard incompetence when what is actually happening is that the blended melody technique is being used to drain their spiritual power. I think this kind of thing is why SMS is read by some as being more gifted than the text initially indicates.

However. The disguised melody technique is a technique invented by JGY. JGY specifically develops this technique in order to blend Turmoil and Cleansing when playing for NMJ. I sincerely doubt that conveniently SMS came up with the same idea independently. It seems obvious to me that JGY is the one if not developing these specific variations and sharing them with the Su, then at least he has introduced SMS to the concept so that SMS can develop his own disguised melodies. The genius at work here is that of JGY.

[colorcodedbeanies]

S2E2-"Grilled"

Long pause between updates there. I've backlogged a bunch of episode notes that I'll hopefully be releasing in batches.

TW: Racism, elder abuse, ableism

Ok so I took these notes a few days ago and the first thing that greets me is "car looks like its fucking the sand", with the sub point "put that in the post". I hope this provides insight into the rigorous intellectual process I work with.

The cop scene is basically an endless series of hits, enough that its difficult to not just transcribe it fully. Tuco's head is mounted on a shooting target by Hank, who talks floridly about interrogating his meth-hag girlfriend and then does a whole routine about apologizing to hr for using the word "hard-on" in the presence of ladies, which is frankly only further fuel to the fire in terms of eroticism literally being criminal in Breaking Bad. He comments on Mexico, saying to general agreement "We all know what's going on down there. We sure as hell don't want it going on up here." which is just. Very interesting considering next episode is going to open with two men illegally crossing the border. Finally, when Gomez asks him if he really thinks they'll track him down, he laughs it off, commenting that its about "keeping up appearances". If he's implying that most of the DEA's work is about the appearance of stopping bad guys and saving good guys....well! He said it not me.

Skyler is hesitant about describing Walter as depressed, especially in front of his son. Even in front of the guy who (theoretically) is trying to find him and needs information, saving the face of the middle class white patriarch takes precedence. She softens it to simple stress. This is echoed again later when Marie blurts out Hank's knowledge about the second cellphone. Sure, Hank is very possibly trying not to add more emotional strain onto his sister-in-law. But he's also denying her information (and in his mind, possibly even covering for Walt's affair). They may be more comfortable possibly letting him die than they are ruining his image as a good family man.

I didn't expect to emerge out of this as a WaltTuco truther but literally what am I meant to take from Walt momentarily imagining Tuco as Skyler appearing to him and telling him that she understands.

The yard is littered with a lot of broken toys. While I'm not super thrilled with the way this visually suggests Hector as another "broken" thing in the house, I do think it lends itself into an understanding of Tuco as ultimately, a bit of an overgrown child. I don't say that to be infantilizing. Trauma, especially as a child, can freeze up your mental development a little bit. Tuco tends to approach his circumstances with a very simply and childlike logic. His paranoia (tragically unable to ever catch the actual threats) is his special powers, his visions of the future. While talking about No-Doze and Gonzo he's clearly seeking out some absolution, insisting "I was good to him! I was good!". None of this, of course, makes Tuco any less dangerous or unstable. But he's a lot more vulnerable than Walt (or arguably, the audience) gives him credit for. He takes personal betrayals of his love aso wildly personally, and seeks escape in drugs when he fails to threaten people into staying loyal to him.

So there's a clear disability horror going on with Hector. The first level of that is inherently ableism, implying that there's something unsettling about being in the proximity of someone with an atypical body and atypical means of expression. The second level (and I believe the unintentional one) is the horror movie happening inside Hector's own perspective, seeing a threat to someone who you, in your own fucked up way, love, and being unable to effectively communicate about it because Tuco is not intuitive with how he approaches Hector's communication needs. Regardless I think it is important that treating Hector like an object fucks over everyone, Walt, Jesse, Tuco, and Hank in the next episode.

Speaking of ableism, though, in a rare Jesse L he does briefly position his life as inherently more valuable than Walt's, because Walt's going to be dead soon anyways. Notably Walt does advocate for his life in a way that he did not when chemo was on the table. Still, Jesse, there are so many better reasons Walt should kill himself for your sake.

At this point I don't even need to do analysis, I can just tell you Skyler says "Marie, you don't get hooked on pot like that" and you can put the pieces together yourself. Post-War on Drugs American normalcy challenge Any% never passed never succeeded.

So I'm not going to quibble with Walt and Jesse trying to kill Tuco, or even (for once) Hank succeeding. The guy was an active threat to all parties involved and his life is taken in self-defense. But I want to highlight this line in particular: "We tried to poison you. Because you're an insane, degenerate piece of filth, and you deserve to die." Given how Walt's historically used the term I think its fair to read "degenerate" as interchangeable with "junkie". So of all the reasons Walt has decided to highlight that Tuco might need to die here....the ones he highlights are "junkie" and "mentally ill".

Jesse kicks Tuco into a hole hope this doesn't foreshadow anything in his future.