#again i am very excited for gayle

[bbygirl-aemond]

um i am in AWE of ur alys fancast yes yes yes that's book alys 100%

isn't she just? if you put her side by side w the one canon drawing of alys we have the resemblance is uncanny

like you could tell me the artist used amrit as a reference and i'd believe you!!

[katrantsasoiaf]

As someone whose Admittedly Impossible Dream Fancast for Alys was like... Eva Green, but specifically with hair and costumes roughly styled after her all-too-brief performance as Morgan in Starz's Camelot (the show itself had SO MANY flaws, but damn if I didn't completely obsess over her in that role for the one season it lasted!), THANK YOU for being so refreshingly reasonable about Gayle Rankin's casting! I don't think I've ever watched anything with, but I've heard she's a good actress and she's great with eerie, witchy roles, and personally, I think that's all that should matter.

Honestly, my only complaint is that I would have LOVED for Alys' actress to have a bigger, more visible age difference with Ewan. Not just for the obvious "Aemond likes MILFs"/"Alys is more experienced and tops him" jokes, as amusing (and inspiring if, like me, you like that sort of thing in your ships... ;)) as those can be, but also because it would have just been so nice to see a 40+ actress play a seductive, powerful character hooking up with a cool, younger male fan favorite many people (me included, lol) find hot. I get that Alys is supposed to look youthful, but depending on context, "youthful" can mean anything from "so babyfaced they keep getting mistaken for a teen well into their 30s" to "they have such an energy and such a lively, charming personality that people keep forgetting their actual age" after all...

Then again, I, too, would have also loved for older!Rhaenyra and Helaena to be played by fat people, thus putting on screen two fat female characters whose problems don't revolve around them hating their bodies, other people hating their bodies, or whether their bodies are or can be considered attractive. Still, Emma and Phia are both doing amazing jobs, and as well-cast as everyone's been until now, I don't doubt it'll be the same with Gayle and I'll be able to enjoy her performance... while waiting for industry conventions to slooowly change!

i also watched starz's camelot and had very mixed feelings about the show overall, but i adored eva green as morgan pendragon so much. so she was always who i imagined as alys when i read fire and blood. and i understood why many people felt the same way about katie mcgrath after watching her also as morgana in bbc's merlin. alys rivers just has really big morgan le fey energy, right down to her son.

i have never seen gayle rankin in anything. but she is supposedly a good actress who has played roles with witchy vibes. an pictures and edits of her with black hair as selling me on her casting more and more. i am sure she will do wonderful in the role. my biggest issue was those posts comparing pictures of gayle rankin and a fancast for alys, which was clearly posing gayle as unattractive and dumpy compared to the more conventionally attractive actress. which is just gross. it was gross when they did it to emma, and it sucks that the same cycle is repeating with gayle. they both deserved better.

i am terrified for the actress cast as nettles.

in regards to the rest of the casting, i agree with you entirely. milly, emma, and phia are great, i love both of them and none of this is a reflection of my feelings about them as actors. but rhaenyra and helaena are the only targaryen women who are explicitly described as bigger than a pencil. grrm specified that rhaenyra was "pudgy" as a girl and "stout" as a woman due to her multiple pregnancies, but she is still considered desirable. helaena is similarly described as "plump", but is adored. their canonical descriptions being ignored by both the showrunners and fans is disappointing, but not surprising.

i have strong feelings about some of the casting, but i still found it to be one of the shows greatest strengths. and i have no doubt that these newest additions will continue to elevate the show (the only one i actually recognize was freddie fox as gwayne hightower, he was the king of sweden in hulu's the great and i am excited for him).

[kaelatargaryen]

I’m gunna be real af for a second and put out something that’s not very popular and a bit long winded. For the last two days – tumblr, Reddit and Instagram have been ridiculous. Whilst I think Gayle’s look and vibe does not match with the Alys in my head, who I thought would be a demonic beauty or a femme fatale at LEAST, I’m not down with the hateful comments about her appearance or about the people who aren’t excited about her. Honestly Jessica Chastain’s Lucille and Bailey Sarian (not an actress) were kind of the vibe of what I was expecting. I mean…

And I am allowed to be disappointed that the casted actress doesn’t match what I envisioned. I don’t think Gayle is ugly but I also can’t imagine throwing everything away for the sake of having her love, and I can’t imagine Aemond doing so either.

AND THAT IS OK – it doesn’t mean I’m writing her off altogether but I am skeptical, which again… I’m allowed to be. She could completely prove me wrong and I wouldn’t be mad, I welcome it because I want to see Aemond meet his match, I don’t think he’s a perfect angel and I’m not biased by Ewan. Yea, he’s beautiful but unfortunately my interest in Aemond is because a lot of my life is similar to what I saw of his in the show, you don’t have to like that. Ewan was just a bonus but some of the fighting I’ve seen over him and folk’s opinions are honestly gross and childish, nobody has said some out of pocket shit to me yet but I have been unfollowed by some folks I thought I was cool with because they apparently don’t like my opinions.

This whole world GRRM and HBO has created is one of the things that saved my life, that kept me interested in living when my body was failing from an infection my doctors couldn’t figure out. March 2019 after almost 3 years of being constantly sick and in pain, with each infection flare up (about 15 total) getting worse and worse, I decided that would be my last year here. But I had started GoT and I’d been watching the MCU since it freaking started so I HAD to see those through, then I’d wait until October to go see the northern lights and let Halloween be my DOD. In June of 2019, I had my last infection and it put me in the hospital two days after starting another round of antibiotics that at this point, were no longer working and I thought the illness had won. My body finally had enough and I was going to die.

Instead, we got a positive result off a special request culture for a strain of strep that only infects 5% of the human population. Halloween instead became the day I spent recovering from a tonsillectomy that took so much infected tissue out of my throat that it required stitching and cauterization but I was free, it was over and I had made it through it.

Between my surgery date and my last infection, House of the Dragon was announced as a possibility and got the green light the day before my surgery so this show is so god damn special to me, it almost feels like a reward. I’m not trying to claim ownership of any kind or say my opinion is better than yours but I am trying to explain that there are so many people who have the same kind of special connections with this series and they’re allowed to feel how they feel without the internet getting weird or cruel about it. We’re all here to have fun with it and appreciate the things that bring us joy, focus on that please

[br1ghtestlight]

OKAY I AM FINISHED BOB'S BURGERS!!!! or im almost finished i have to rewatch a few of the latest episodes but i have watched every episode at this point :) so yayy here is a list of my favorite episodes

obviously the christmas episode from season 13 is the sweetest most adorable and emotional episode in the show <3 louise's poem and gene's music sound amazing together its the most heartwarming episode of the show

the episode where they visit bob's mom's grave and the episode where they visit bob's dad at christmas are both great bcuz i love family backstory!!!

the robbery episode where mickey is introduced is absolutely hilarious and probably the funniest ep of the entire show, or at least top 5

season four finale is very exciting and fun i rewatched it today and its a great prequel to the movie tbh

i loved the water balloon fight episode FJDMSSMSJSJJS its so funny 2 me that mr fischoeder's place was just fighting with water balloons, i love that its a battle royale hunger games kinda story and gene and louise just leaving the competition bcuz they want to play in felix's treehouse is hilarious and something that i would have done as a kid, also its a funny episode and the moment with bob and mr fischoeder was sweet

the episode where gene is home alone bcuz they forgot him is an interesting look into his mind and how he processes things and new situations, also very silly subplots

the episode where gene and louise are home by themselves bcuz tina is in detention is great, its an interesting look into their relationship and how gene doesn't exactly act like a big brother and isn't treated like one but he still loves his sisters, and also him trying and failing to be responsible LOL

bob actually was a cute episode that i watched bcuz i thought the title was so funny bcuz why would they parody that movie, but its actually adorable and i love the ending of this episode :) im not usually into romance-focused episodes but the ending to this was just so sweet and louise's thing with rudy was great

the subplot with gene and bob plumbing is honestly one of my favorites in the entire show idk how to explain why, and i absolutely adore the ending song to that episode its so passionate and so obviously full of love and affection for each other its so sweet <3 the main storyline is also interesting

that subplot where bob is annoyed by linda kicking him while they're asleep so he moves into the basement, but then linda comes down to visit and he acts like a teenager who has a girl coming over and he wants to impress her LOL and them trying to sleep in that tiny bed before realizing they should probably just go back upstairs, it really shows how much they love each other and WHY their relationship works and that they choose to be together again and again

the episode where the kids burn down the restaurant and try to make it up to their parents is great, i love how bob and linda try so hard to be understanding and gentle and how it ends with bob telling his kids that he loves them and that they're the best ever and he could never hate them its just such a healthy example of parenting and the relationship between them and the kids FJDMDMSJSJSM

topsy was a fun episode and also the musical number was so good, the episode where bob gets stuck to the toilet was also very fun and i liked the music in that episode :D that thanksgiving episode where bob keeps putting the turkey in the toilet, and the episode where he carries gayle through the show and home for thanksgiving. the ending gets to me idk, and the mini golfing thanksgiving episode from season 13 is great i love episodes that focus on the relationship between the kids and how much they all love each other!!!! also the episode where they pretend to be mr fischoeders family, and basically any episode with him tbh

the big fish episode where tina wants to be a good mentor and big fish and at the end louise and gene tell her that she's a great big sister to THEM and that they love her, and if other people can't see how amazing she is thats on them. it makes me so emotional for some reason!! sweetest episode ever

the ending of that episode where they do the time capsule thing and they're all sitting together outside the concert and sing that song about how they'll be together when they're older, i know it probably wasn't supposed to be mean anything serious but something about it really gets 2 me and emphasizes the relationship between the kids and how they're going to grow up together

gene cheerleading episode was great, and i liked the season 13 episode were linda volunteers at their school And also the episode where linda gets a job at a grocery store its very silly

also not an episode but i remember a scene where linda like spills her wine and she tries to soak it up with a shirt so she can drink it?? and bob just laughs and says i love you and it sounds so genuine, i dont remember what episode that was but its just sweet how much he genuinely adores her. also that moment in early season 1 where linda is singing and even though bob is annoyed he just starts laughing bcuz he loves her so much

a lot of the early episodes were funny and i like the handdrawn animation style a lot more its very expressive :0 the episode with the trans sex workers is weird but also fun, and i love the relationship between the family and the one-eyed snakes

the christmas episode from season eight?? that was extra long was good i liked watching that episode, the music was great and i loved the giant party with like 500+ queer people Where did they come from

the episode where bob takes gene to that laser rock-and-roll show is a classic, and the season 12 episode where louise asks if she isnt being a girl in the right way. also the sleepover episode with louise and jessica

i also liked the lice episode for some reason LOL

random things i like abt bob's burgers that aren't related to a specific episode:

bob hates jimmy pesto but by like season 2 he accepts that all his kids are just going to be friends with jimmy jr and andy and ollie and he's okay with that and supports their weird friendship, it would be so annoying if he was constantly trying to sabotage the friendship between these kids who have nothing to do with their feud but he and jimmy pesto are like Whatever its fine they're friends :) also specifically that parade episode where jimmy jr was forced to attack tina and at the end they apologize and theyre dancing together it was cute

bob gets that weird horse tattoo for tina and throughout the rest of the show, whenever he's animated with his shirt off and his back visible he still has the tattoo!!! including in the weird bean stock fairytale louise was telling where he was a giant and he never had kids, he still has that tattoo <3 its so adorable to me he loves her so much

everywhere related to mr fischoeder is so fucked up i love him 10/10 best character in animation

[teenageread]

Review: Stunning

Synopsis:

Emily’s reconnecting with an old flame, one baby step at a time. But is she headed toward true love or another bundle of heartache? Spencer’s learning about the highs and lows of campus life on a trip to Princeton. Aria’s seeing a whole new side to Noel’s dad—and it could drive a wedge between her and Noel. And, for better or worse, Hanna’s getting in touch with her inner A.

Secret by secret, lie by lie, the girls get tangled in A’s dangerous web. Soon A will have enough ammunition to pull the trigger and end the pretty little liars, once and for all….

Plot:

Emily planned to hide her secret baby from everyone. However, she did have to rely on her fellow liars to get her out of a tight spot when the woman she promised to give her baby to, Gayle, was also crazy. Giving back fifty thousand dollars, Emily and the liar snuck out of the hospital with the baby in hand and placed the baby girl on the steps of the non-crazy family Emily originally planned to give her baby to. While Gayle is back in their lives as the wealthy benefactor to Hanna's dad campaign, the liars think they have their new A - now only if they can find actual evidence to pin on her. Meanwhile Spencer is learning how to succeed at Princeton, which involves getting into one of the exclusive Eating Clubs. Blackmail might not be the best way, but it is Spencer's way of getting what she wants. Speaking of what she wants, Hanna's goal is to get back with Mike, which means she needs to dig up dirt on Mike's current girlfriend, who may not be as innocent as everyone thinks. Which leaves our last liar, Aria, who is trying to get things back to normal with Noel. Still, when she finds out a secret that could wreck his entire family, Aria is back in the position of holding a secret that could make or break a family; lucky A will push Aria in the "right" direction this time.

Thoughts:

Sara Shepard and our liars are on the upswing. This eleventh novel proves more plot points than the previous two novels combined. Like the last novel, Shepard has the girl's current plot related to what they did that summer. This novel focuses on Emily’s storyline with the baby girl that she gave up to adoption. It could be that Shepard is making up the plot on the fly because it seemed in the last book that none of the girls knew about Emily's baby, but in this they helped Emily and the baby out of the hospital. So how did they not know? It just seems weird how Shepard keeps the girls separated, not friends. Yet, whenever one of them is in a pickle, like Emily with the baby or Spencer with the drugs, they immediately come to their aid as a friend would. With the introduction of Gayle, Shepard expertly weaves her into the story and makes her a plausible A with relation to each of the girls' current plot points and previous ones. I hated Aria's storyline, as her issue was peculiar and just showed you how non-progressive 2012 (book's publication date) was, as it being such a "horror" of a secret would not fly today. The worst character, giving Aria a break for her weird plotline, would be Hanna, as she once again does crazy girl stuff for a boy who clearly does not want to be with her. It is just very annoying reading about this beautiful girl who constantly has to blackmail her boyfriends into dating her. Like Hanna, tell Mike you want to be with him, and if he says no, then move on, you do not need to find dirt on the current girlfriend and force them to break up. The best character, always a toughy, I will give to Emily only because she is trying to do right by keeping up with her swimming, avoiding Gayle, and telling her baby's father that he is a father. With an ending making you feel like you are at the start of the series again, Shepard hints at the plotline yet to come. I am excited as ever to see what our liars get up to with the ending of their senior year.

A Suspects:

The concept of the novel is our four girls trying to find out who A is, thus I thought it would be fun to keep a suspect list to see how many people Shepard writes for the girls to at one point suspect and by whom. So here is the list for book #11:

Gayle by Aria

Ali by Emily

Body Count

As Shepard keeps killing people off, I think it would be a good idea to keep track of who died, but without spoiling the ending of the current book, as her habit is killing them off with two chapters to go. So here is the list of the dead for the previous book #10:

Jenna, Ian, Mona, Toby, Courtney and Tabitha

Read more reviews: Goodreads

Buy the book: Amazon

[lindsaywesker]

Good morning! I hope you slept well and feel rested? Currently sitting at my desk, in my study, attired only in my blue towelling robe, enjoying my first cuppa of the day. Welcome to the weekend!

Wow! Here we are again: Friday! Where did that week go? No, seriously, where did that week go?

Old life. Young life. Lives that have been lived. Lives that have yet to be lived. My Thursday was a wonderful blend of young people and old people. My students have their whole lives ahead of them. As I bamboozle them with legal jargon and industry statistics, I can see them looking up at me and thinking, “Christ, what have I got myself into?” But we have fun. I think they appreciate the reality. Life is full of so many half-truths and urban myths, so I think they appreciate finally learning how things work.

From the school, I went straight to my Uncle Ira’s funeral at a good function hall behind a church in Wembley. When I arrived, it was a joy to see my family, all immaculately dressed, smiling faces, as ever. Food had been consumed and people were just starting to dance. As I walked around embracing family, one cousin stuck her bottom out in a very lascivious way and I just avoided the collision. Everyone laughed. The DJ was playing ‘Push Comes To Shove’ by Freddie McGregor and ‘I Shall Sing’ by Marcia Griffiths (at high volume) and everyone knew the words. The hall was alive with noise and activity. There were little kids chasing each other, two separate games of dominoes going on, and pockets of dancers joyously singing and swaying, as if the cast out the sadness and exorcise the sorrow. The Trouble brought me a delicious plate of food and the DJ began to spin what can only be described as ragga gospel. Everyone knew the words. I made sure I grabbed a cheeky selfie with assorted family members and then – if people weren’t excitable enough – the DJ began to play soca! It was all kicking off! If they were tearful at the graveside, they certainly weren’t weepy at the reception. I sat back and smiled, enjoying the warmth of the occasion. Family, I thought to myself. This is us. Or, as an old man used to say to me, we are we.

Tomorrow, we’re having dinner with Dolly, so I am very excited. Dolly (not her real name) is one of our favourite people. She’s just moved to a new house, so we’re looking forward to seeing her new abode. Despite working in a completely different field, Dolly has a great eye for interior design, so her houses are not only very stylish, but very comfortable to be in. We normally eat too much and crash out at her place, but The Mighty Josiah needs me on Sunday (and actually complains when we go away!) There will definitely be a Dolly selfie!

Hope you can join me tomorrow at 1.00 p.m. for ‘The A-Z Of Mi-Soul Music’. Tomorrow is The Letter L (Part Three). Executive Producer is none other than superstar DJ Gayle Dumont. You will not be disappointed.

Have a fabulous and funky Friday! I love you all. You’re probably thinking, “You don’t even know me!” but, if people can hate for no reason, why can’t I love?

[soapbox0916]

My First Tumblr Post

Hello, I am Gayl Killough, and this my first post on Tumblr. I live in the United States.  While I have many interests, I am going to try to focus my posts on Tumblr on Turkish entertainment.   I have been watching Kardeṣlerim clips for over a year now, then watching the show when Season 2 started.  I had been interested in Turkish shows for a while, but Kardeṣlerim was my first serious attempt to watch a Turkish show properly, as whole entire episodes.

Wow, I did not realize what I was getting into. I feel like my ability to follow the Turkish language has improved immensely over the past year, but it is still like I understand bits and pieces as fragments, then I string them together using context. I also still read the comments and blogs that translate the show into English, as I don’t understand everything. I do feel like that I at least understand the gist of things. 

Writing the Turkish language is much more difficult for me, but I am starting to write simple comments in Turkish. If I have a more complex thought, I still need to write my comment in English, and hope the translators work out well enough that other people can understand my comment. Importing special Turkish letters has had mixed results with lots of technical difficulties, but I am trying to do better.

I did not plan to wait so long to write my first post on Tumblr, but with the new season of Kardeṣlerim approaching soon, I thought I better write my first post, and since Kardeṣlerim is what inspired me, my first post should be about Kardeṣlerim.  I discovered Tumblr because of a Kardeṣlerim post from alwayzraven, and it feels like a safe place for me.  I have met some great people that are fans.

I started watching Kardeṣlerim last summer with AsDor (Asiye and Doruk) clips, as I was recovering from surgery that removed part of my colon due to Stage 1 colon cancer.  Therefore, I had some extra time, and it made sense to finally watch Turkish television, as I had been meaning to do.  By the time that I was starting to understand clips from the show, Season 2 debuted.  I watched the entire first episode of Season 2, episode 19, and I was completely clueless.  I then watched the last episode of Season 1, I was still clueless.  I started to watch episode 20, and stopped, because I need to go further back first.  So I watched Episode 17 from Season 1, and that is when it clicked for me, so much finally made sense to me.

Watching Episode 17 is also when I fell in love with Aybike and Berk, and I became a huge AyBer fan.  I still really like AsDor as a couple, and I like SusOm too, but AyBer is what I love most about the show.  The chemistry between the actors Recep Usta and Melis Minkari is unique, as I have never seen anything else quite like it, and therefore they make Ayber extra special for me.

As I was watching the show, I was also learning about Turkey, Turkish culture, while trying to figure out what was going on in the show.  I learned that the head writer is Gül Abus Semerci, and while I greatly admire her, and I am maybe even a little bit envious of her, I am also extremely frustrated too.  She writes characters that I love, and I think she is talented, but it felt like the show was shorthanded, and there was not enough writing staff to follow through on storylines to avoid inconsistencies.  Cast members that should have been in certain scenes were absent, plots were not properly set-up, and it all felt very rushed.  The choice of scenes were odd, and it felt like there was a checklist of plots that the show was going through, without any connection to character development.  Then I learn that the head writer is also writing for another show, and it just felt like Kardeṣlerim was tossed aside, operating on auto-pilot, as perhaps the head writer had taken on too many responsibilities.

Putting all that aside, I was really excited when I saw the footage of the cast meeting together again on the show.  While the break between seasons seems to have gone by quickly, I am ready for new episodes.  I think what really makes this show great is the chemistry among the entire cast.  I am willing to put up with a whole lot just to spend time with these characters, but please give these characters and the show as a whole, the attention and time that it deserves.  Keep the characters alive, don’t torture the characters and us too much, and let us fans enjoy spending time with them as we watch Kardeṣlerim.  Thanks in advance. Gayl

[captainallthingspurpleme]

Good Girls 3x09 Thoughts

So I had to really take some time after the episode last night to process how I felt. Because there were a lot of things that I enjoyed about last night’s episode, and a lot of things I DID NOT enjoy about last night’s episode.

So, starting with some of the things I enjoyed (because starting and ending this post positively is my goal):

Ruby’s entire story line this episode -- of the 3 women, Ruby’s arc this season is probably my favorite

Annie and Greg’s conversation -- up until the moment Annie kissed him (which people like @pynkhues have pointed out appears to be deliberate, as a reaction to Annie’s grief over Marion) I actually LOVED this scene. It was raw and honest and something that I really think Annie needed to hear. And it shows me that regardless of how messed up they can be, Annie and Greg really do care about one another AND they BOTH love their children

Ruby IN PURPLE -- I mean, HELLO, LOOK AT MY BLOG NAME! She looked FABULOUS! Yes, Queen!

Beth, Annie, and Ruby after Beth visits Rio at his bar -- this entire conversation was hilarious, and Beth just openly lamenting how dumb she was made me happy (she CAN learn.....VERY.....VERY.....slowly sometimes, BUT....it still happens)

And now, in terms of the things I didn’t like this episode, what I really want to dissect in this post:

Beth and Dean

To be fair, I actually enjoyed most of their scenes this entire episode because they really underscored how NOT invested Beth is in their relationship and HOW MUCH Dean has started to notice.

And then their final scene together happened.

I was excited and ready for a “break up” between them in this final scene, even though realistically looking back on it and the synopses for episodes 3x10 and 3x11 I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

And then the scene was so HEAVY. Like, don’t get me wrong, I don’t agree with Dean quitting his job. I do actually agree with him telling Beth about Gayle, but I DON’T believe it’s for the reasons he said (but I’ll unpack that in a minute). But just the sheer caliber of Matthew and Christina’s acting in this scene made me feel a LOT of emotion, and it was really hard for me to deal with right after, so I spent a lot of last night and today processing why. And I finally figured it out.

We start this scene with Dean at the island, drinking, bag packed beside him. Beth comes in, starts talking, doing their normal thing. And Dean leads with quitting his job.

And before I can fully process what others (@lunafeather and @foxmagpie in particular) have articulated so well--THEIR FAMILY IS FINANCIALLY DESTITUTE; Beth is ONCE AGAIN the ONLY breadwinner--Dean tells her that he and Gayle kissed.

It took me A WHILE to figure out why those two ideas, in that order, sent me into such a rage, even as I watched Beth’s LACK of reaction, which was also HEAVY--she’s just TIRED at this point; she doesn’t even CARE that he’s telling her this; SHE IS NOT INVESTED AT ALL.

For all Dean’s talk later in the scene about “I don’t want her. I want you.” he is ADMITTING that to stay at his job means he would cheat on his wife. Like we’re supposed to applaud him for finally having the basic human decency to tell Beth what happened, while in the same breath telling her he doesn’t have enough professionalism or self-control to continue on in a job until he finds another one. Because while I definitely empathize with not wanting to work where your predator works, Dean never once considered LEAVING 4 Star until after HE initiated sexual contact with Gayle.

Beth’s (lack of) reaction to all of this news is so telling, for the reasons listed above and more articulately by others than what I’ll try to re-hash here.

Dean goes on to say that he wants Beth. Which I think he GENUINELY believes. But my issue here is that he wants BETHIE. He doesn’t want who Beth is now because he doesn’t KNOW who Beth is now. Part of this is because she refuses to tell him, and the other part is because he refuses, even now, to really see her for who she is.

What I also think is telling her is what Dean DOESN’T say. Dean doesn’t bring up Rio ONCE in this moment. And I think that’s deliberate. Because to bring him up is to admit to himself and his wife that he KNOWS that she has feelings for Rio, and that those feelings are NOT what she has for Dean (regardless of what Dean does/does not know about Beth and Rio).

And then he goes to leave and she stops him. And for a very long time, that part of their conversation kept playing in my head and making me EXHAUSTED because everything about this scene just illustrated to me how DONE they are even though they both (Beth, okay, it’s Beth at this point) refuse to see it.

But Beth’s words stuck with me and they actually give me some hope.

When Beth stops Dean from leaving, she says “Don’t go.” And I think that is REALLY significant, because this whole scene Dean is talking about how he wants to STAY.

Telling someone not to go is vastly different than asking someone to stay.

I think Beth knows, in this moment, that she’s not upset in the way she needs to be if she’s actually invested in her marriage. With all of the bullshit and craziness and her own PTSD, those words actually sent me back to 2x13 when she cried and collapsed into Dean and 3x06 when she cried in front of him after hearing Au Jus (her name IS NOT Dorito, okay) might die.

Dean is Beth’s security blanket. He’s not someone she actively counts on. Ever, at this point. He’s not someone she entrusts with any more information than she has to. But when everything else is falling to shit, she goes back to their history together. Because it’s safe. Because it’s a known quantity. Because it’s the only source of comfort she has.

And then THAT thought made me exhausted. Because I GET it. Adding a divorce and custody and the upheaval for the kids on top of everything else would probably push Beth to her breaking point. It’s just also heartbreakingly exhausting for me to watch Beth try to keep fitting herself into this box that she doesn’t actually want.

But I genuinely don’t think she’s going to be able to keep up this front for much longer. Especially with the new FBI agent and the failed (God, I hope she’ll actually tell him not to, but I’m not putting money on it) hit on Rio. I think those two things are going to act like a wrecking ball to her numbness this season and she’s finally going to be forced to confront how she feels. Not just about Dean, but about Rio.

Because her silences on that subject and over-the-top denials just speak volumes, at least to me.

So I am tentatively hopeful that this last scene actually does help propel Death towards its final end. Or at least, that it would have in a full 16-episode season 3. For now, though, I’m just gonna try and focus on the other things in this episode that made me happy.

PHOEBE -- as stated in my original post, I already love her. She’s understated and messy and clearly knows how to do her job. Not a huge fan of her FBI partner, mainly because I think he’s very stereotypically cast, but Phoebe is going to be FUN

THE ENTIRE SCENE BETWEEN BETH AND RIO IN HIS BAR -- do I really need to explain this one?

Dean STILL bringing up Rio and being the biggest undercover Brio stan

Beth primping and showing her cleavage to Rio -- I died! They ARE THE WORST AND I LOVE THEM!

Ruby and Sara’s scenes together, especially the conversation in the car -- part of me is so sad that Ruby had to have that talk with Sara, but at the same time I think it was needed. Sara, if she’s going to judge her mother so harshly, should have all the fact.

Basically the entire Hill family -- they have been the most beautiful contrast to the Boland family this season. While I do actually enjoy the Boland kiddos (especially Jane!), we don’t get to see them enough for me to really tell what each of them is like. Sara and Harry are somewhat more distinct, and Ruby and Stan, for all their bumps, are #COUPLEGOALS

[shakespeareintellectualbadass]

http://andthenshesaid.co.uk/expertsofourownexperience/queer

Feels weird to advertise a blog on a blog, but I'm writing a series called Experts of Our Own Experience around pieces of my personal experience of life - being neurodivergent, dealing with depression and anxiety and an eating disorder, and most recently, being visibly queer for the first time in my life. I've learned more about myself from hearing others talk about their experiences, and I'm a big believer in learning about experiences other than your own, so whether any of these things apply to you or not, maybe you'll find something connective.

If you're interested, check it out, lmk if you have thoughts ✌

I’ve known I’m not straight since I was seventeen.

I went to all-girls school for fourteen years, from age four to eighteen. All my friends were female until I got to college. For most of my youth I was more consumed by the romantic stories my imagination conjured up, and generally those stories starred princes rather than princesses. I never spent any time overanalyzing it because it never felt wrong, to imagine either but focus more on boys.

And yeah, I’m definitely attracted to men. I obsessed over the boys we met at parties in high school like my friends did. I enjoy flirting with and dating men (most of the time…). I have a longstanding, embarrassingly strong celebrity crush on Jensen Ackles (like full blush, swooping in my stomach listening to him sing or when he winks at the camera). I remember one particular boy who my best friend and I fought over for about an hour at a friend’s quinceañera freshman year (that might be the most heated fight we’ve ever had and we’d only met him at that party, which is ridiculous). I also had really intense female friendships I didn’t think anything of. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see how those friendships with girls I liked and admired - the really earnest ones where I’d go out of my way to do things for them and be around them because I just really want her to want to be my friend - were actually crushes. I’m a people pleaser (with people I care about anyway), but I recognize that higher intensity now that I’ve been through more serious relationships. Definitely bisexual.

It clicked in the autumn of senior year, when I fell for one of my friends from school. We spent a few months pining and then dated for about half a year (though we were both dealing with shitty mental health struggles at the time and were overall not very good for each other) and broke up right before I graduated. All our friends knew we were together, as did my family and probably hers and probably quite a few more people than we knew. What can I say, I’ve never been known for my subtlety, especially when romantic interest is involved.

But right now is the first time I’ve been obviously queer. Visibly, aesthetically queer in how I choose to present myself.

I’ve easily passed for straight all my life. I’ve had long hair and lengthened my eyelashes with coats of mascara, worn low cut tops and tall heels and tight jeans. I’ve flirted with men more than women and leaned into my soft, feminine energy more than my assertive, masculine energy.

But I’ve never had to adjust to being bisexual, to accept that about myself. I never worried about what my parents would think. I know I’m enormously lucky because of that. That said, there’s a difference between coming to terms with being bisexual and being comfortable presenting as queer. My parents are both artists; they both went to college for performance (acting for mum, singing for dad) and are wonderfully open minded and raised me with that same open-mindedness. I don’t think I ever actually came out to them. I could tell they knew about my interest in my high school girlfriend, so I just started talking about it, and that was that. My whole extended family is very accepting, and there are other LGBTQ+ members of the family. One of my cousins is trans and bi; we make a lot of jokes about being the gay cousin (“every family has a gay cousin; if yours doesn’t, you’re the gay cousin” “but if I’m the gay cousin, and you’re the gay cousin, who’s flying the plane?”). My dad’s mom and her partner have been affectionately dubbed The Grandmas for my whole life. Grandma Natalie is as much my grandparent as Grandma Gayle, though we’re not related by blood. I don’t know how many members of my family know I’m queer - I’ve never specifically come out to any of them either - but I don’t worry about it. It’ll become obvious at some point, or I’ll drop it in conversation like I do so often now.

It does vary, how out I am - in high school I was comfortable with it in my personal life, but I never considered joining the LGBTQ+ club - and it’s been different when I’m in a relationship. Both my long term boyfriends were queer/on the bisexuality spectrum, but we presented like a heterosexual couple so never had to worry about coming out. While my high school girlfriend and I weren’t subtle, we also weren’t fully out as a couple. Her family was religious and she was worried about their reaction. On top of that, we were both fairly femme, and in Catholic school the general assumption is that everyone is straight. When I got to college, I only dated men. Part of that was residual fear left over from how badly that high school relationship ended. Part of it was I went to a Catholic university (seriously, how did I spend eighteen years in Catholic institutions when I’ve never been Catholic). A lot of it was compulsive heterosexuality - something queer women fall into a lot because our society is set up with men as the be all and end all (“how could anyone not be attracted to men?” “Of course the ultimate happy ending is settling down with a man...”). A lot of it was how much more I was around men. For the first time, there was a lot of choice, which was an exciting prospect. Even when I wasn’t in a serious relationship, I tended to only focus on men as romantic prospects.

Again, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how much I’ve been and still am guided by that ingrained need for male attention and validation. It’s also easier to pick up men than women - there’s no is she flirting or is she just friendly to deal with – because men and women are socialized so differently that men don’t usually gush and compliment women they’ve just met in the same way that women do. Maybe it’s just easier to assume men are flirting because of the stereotype that men always want to get laid. Maybe it’s scarier to flirt with women. Maybe both. It’s certainly possible that’s my own projection rather than fact. That said, I did once have a two hour conversation with a lady in a shop during which we effusively complimented each other multiple times, and I have no idea if she was flirting with me or if she was just nice. Girls in bar bathrooms consistently hype each other up without ever exchanging names. It’s wonderful, but it does make things a little foggy when one is trying to flirt with a lady.

Anyway - I was talking about being obviously queer for the first time. It’s odd because I’m very comfortable talking about being bisexual. I bring it up in conversation easily. I post about it for pride. I talk about it a lot on my podcast. I’ve been comfortable with it since I recognized it - I have a wonderfully supportive family, and accepting that part of myself came easily. Presenting it to the world aesthetically is different - more personal, more vulnerable. Even writing about it here, thinking of you reading this, I feel more shy than I would were we face to face. While I didn’t spend any time reassessing my personality when I realized I’m bi, I’m just now recognizing that I do have internalized biphobia and compulsive heterosexuality I need to work through. I think the difference right now is about presentation, that I’ve never felt like I looked bisexual. Which is silly, right? As much as we talk about gaydar and queer trends (bisexuals cuff their jeans, etc), both within the LGBTQ+ community and out, you can’t actually tell anyone’s sexual orientation from their appearance. Queer people just tend to be more adventurous with their self-expression, perhaps because they’ve spent time at one point or another repressing who they are. Perhaps there’s just a joy in exploring something different, that makes you stand out. I don’t know - that’s true for me, though I’m only just starting to experiment myself, and I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I certainly don’t know if I would experiment with my style in the same way if I was straight, having never been straight.

My style has slid less feminine during this year of lockdown. Part of it is that I’m rarely going anywhere, and when I am, I’m walking a lot, so sneakers are a must. I exercise a lot more now, so often when I leave the house, it’s for a workout in a park and I’m dressed in leggings and a sweatshirt. I’ve gravitated toward looser trousers for the last year and a half or so; after years of skinny jeans, I’m obsessed with how comfortable they are. Now that it’s winter, I’m more focused on being warm and comfy than being fashionable. Also, I sort of feel like any moment an apocalypse movie is going to start and I need to be dressed to live in the woods. This added up into a vibe more butch than I’m used to, but with my hair longer than it had been in years, I didn’t really notice.

And then I chopped all my hair off. Like actually all off. A full pixie cut, shorter than I’ve ever gone.

Leading up to it, I guessed I was going to want to lean more into feminine fashion again to balance the cropped cut. I like being feminine and I’m in no hurry to give it up. I planned to pull out my comfy knit pencil skirts and my heeled ankle boots. I expected to forget about my new habit of dressing like I live in the woods. That hasn’t really happened. I’ve still been dressing for comfort, and my style choices have gravitated more toward sweater vests and flare trousers. Both Harry Styles and Phoebe Waller-Bridge in the “Golden” music video. The other day I caught sight of myself in a window and needed a moment to recognize myself: the combination of loose jeans, sweatshirt, raincoat, sneakers, and short hair just didn’t feel like the me I remembered. I looked at myself and didn’t see the femme, straight passing person I’ve looked like for most of my adult life. Let me be clear - I am by no means saying that looking obviously queer is a bad thing. It’s new to me, but I’m rediscovering myself.  I still saw me - and that’s key, that this haircut has always felt like me - but a different me than I’m used to seeing in the mirror.

I have a lot of affection for this new aesthetically masculine and feminine mix, and the other day, stuck in the house at the beginning of lockdown no.3, I felt the urge to dress up a little. I put on lipstick for the first time since May, pulled out a plunge bodysuit and a pair of one-of-a-kind flare jeans I found in a vintage shop on Brick Lane the other week (looser jeans are a masculine leaning I’m embracing wholeheartedly). I decked out my fingers in rings and pulled out my wire-rimmed blue light glasses (my eyesight is so bad that my actual glasses look like something from the wardrobe of a nerd from a 1980s movie, so I stick with contacts). I snapped this photo, just to see the full effect as I no longer have a full-length mirror, and - bam.

I love how I look. I’m obsessed with my hair, with the bright red lines of the bodysuit (and isn’t me in a bright color shocking enough!). I love the jeans, love that they’re a little too big in the waist and just keep flowing out from there, a feminine line in a masculine fabric. I love the wire rim glasses (even if I do look like my dad in the 80s). I love the muscle I can see in my arms from months of pushups and calisthenics. I love how much space I take up, both physically and just in my presence. I am feminine and masculine. I am impossible to miss. Once, even a year ago, that would’ve been stressful. Now, I feel like shouting from the rooftops. This is me.

It’s gone up on Instagram. It’s my new profile picture on various apps. The only caption has been a peace sign emoji - a joke within the LGBTQ+ community about how bisexual people never know what to do with our hands (“point a camera at a bisexual and see how long it takes them to flash a peace sign or finger guns”). It’s a very different vibe from my last profile photo - almost two years ago I smiled at my friend behind the camera from a flowering yellow bush as I watched my last relationship coming to an end.

I keep coming back to how much it is different. This is a change - not of who I am, but of how I reflect it to the world. Proud and excited as I am, and as much as I want to care only for what I think, the fear of rejection lingers. The fear that my friends’ love isn’t malleable and won’t fit this new me anymore. The yearning for the people I love and admire to be proud of me. And on top of that, I wonder how I am different, how my change in appearance reflects an inner shift. How it necessitates it. I’ve always felt the inner shone through to the outer - now that I’m changing the outer, does that come from a shift I’ve already made or is there one still to make? Do I have to act more queer because I look it? What do I feel I need to prove?

Maybe I’ve spoken so much and so easily about my sexuality because I knew it wasn’t visible. Now it’s far more clear, and I feel both more confident and shy. Who is this woman who wears red and casually takes up space? I know her, have seen her in flashes, but this is the first time she is stepping out so boldly. That’s it: I am bold in a way I haven’t felt before. I know, logically, that I have been (again, I’ve never been known for subtlety), but not so consciously. Not with so much intention behind my choice. Some boldness comes so easily I never think of it, but this - this was like bursting out of water for that first breath of air. Natural, intuitive, but not easy.

All this comes in the middle of a period of great change in my life. I’m moving back to my home country after living in London for almost three years, back to my parents’ house after living alone for a year during this pandemic. I’m reconsidering everything I want to spend the next few years doing, much less the rest of my life. I’m trying to figure out how to fund seeing the world and how to organize running a podcast with guests from everywhere I go. I’m consciously focusing on myself and what I want rather than delaying or sacrificing my goals for anybody else. I’m putting off putting down roots for a bit and relying on the knowledge my family is there to come back to. My future see-saws between the safety of family and the unquestionable boldness of adventure.

There is an apprehension that comes with change, an acknowledgment that I am growing and becoming something new, something that is always myself though I did not know it was there. It is freeing and exhilarating and terrifying, growing. Like jumping off a cliff, I have to squeeze my hands into fists and tighten my core and rely on the knowledge that the water below will catch me, that I will catch me, so that I can enjoy the fleeting moment of flying into something new.

[three-drink-amy]

Sweet Creature

I’m so glad y’all are still with me on this! I hope you enjoy the new chapter! 

master list - AO3

Chapter Eleven

Claire was all but ready to go for their date the next evening. She looked into the mirror by her door as she applied her lipstick. Smacking her lips, she gave herself a once over to make sure she looked good enough for the date. It was a tricky situation. She was going out with someone she’d been friends with for ten long years. Jamie had seen her at her most formal (as his date to Jenny’s wedding) and also at her most disgusting (finals during medical school). It was difficult to try and put together a look that seemed special enough for an occasion like this. 

Her curls were restrained, but not straightened. She didn’t have the time for that. A navy blue dress that fell to her knees with sheer sleeves and a v-neck cut seemed like a fine option. She was dressed up, but not too much. 

It was still ten minutes before the time they’d agreed on and yet she was completely ready. She paced back and forth in her flat, willing time to go faster. This date — for her at least — had been ten years in the making. He just needed to show up. 

A knock at the door paused her pacing. She glanced at herself one more time in the mirror before she turned to open the door. It wasn’t Jamie, though. 

“Joe? What are you doing here?” 

He walked in and closed the door behind him. “Well, Gayle’s at a movie with one of her friends and I hadn’t heard from you in a couple of days. You never even told me how your date went. If I didn’t know Peter better, I’d have been worried he killed you.” 

Claire laughed nervously, not sure how to tell him all that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. Joe finally seemed to notice her appearance. “Wait, are you going somewhere?” 

She nodded. “Actually, I am. I’m going on a date.” 

“With Peter?” 

“No.” 

Joe’s raised an eyebrow at her. “Before Friday, you hadn’t been on a date since Frank and you’re going on your second date this weekend with a different guy? Damn, girl.” He stepped closer to her. “So, who is it?” 

Claire was about to answer when a second knock sounded at the door. She glanced at her watch, knowing he was early. Joe beat her to the punch and opened the door for her. It made her glad that she was going on a date with a friend and Joe wasn’t going to intimidate some stranger. 

“Jamie!” he greeted. “I’m glad you’re here. Did you know Claire was going on a date tonight?” 

Jamie chuckled, clearly surprised to see Joe. “Uh, aye, I did.” 

Joe looked over at her and glared. “So, you told Jamie, but not me? Is this because I got engaged? You think I don’t have time for you anymore?” 

“Not quite,” Claire said, waiting for Joe to get the hint. 

“You never told me, who’s the guy,” Joe pressed. 

Claire looked over at Jamie and shot him an amused grin. He slowly moved one hand out from behind his back and handed her a bouquet of flowers. “So, here ye go,” he said in an almost shy tone. 

She laughed as she leaned her head to smell the flowers. “Thank you. They’re beautiful.” They both glanced at Joe to see his shocked expression. 

“It’s...it’s…” he sputtered, pointing at Jamie. They both nodded. Joe pointed to a spot behind Jamie. “Hey, Jamie, who lives in that apartment?” Jamie turned to look and Joe slammed the door. 

“Joe, what are you doing?” Claire asked, gaping at him. 

“Why the hell did you not tell me that you’re going on a date with Jamie?” Joe asked. “This is a big deal!” 

“It’s not a big deal!” Claire lied. “Look, I don’t want to put too much pressure on things. Okay? So just drop it.” 

“You’re wrong, Claire. This is a big deal. It’s Jamie. The guy you’ve had feelings for for a very long time,” Joe argued. 

“You realize this door is not a rock, right?” Claire asked. “He can probably hear you on the other side.” 

“Aye,” Jamie called through the door. “And this is rather weird.” 

Claire closed her eyes and sighed. 

Joe took a step closer to her. “Just be careful, okay,” he whispered to her. “I know Jamie’s a good guy, but I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve got a lot riding on this.” 

Claire smiled, stepping forward to give Joe a hug. “I won’t get hurt. But I appreciate the support.” 

He nodded, patting her on the back before he opened the door. Jamie at least looked amused by Joe’s antics. “Listen,” Joe started. 

“I dinna need the speech, Joe,” Jamie said, cutting him off. 

“The speech?” Claire asked. 

“Aye, the “She’s a great woman and ye better do right by her” speech both of us have given to various men in the past,” he informed her. “Most recently, I think was to Frank.” 

“That tool,” Joe scoffed. 

“Aye. But I dinna need it,” Jamie repeated. 

“Fine,” Joe said with a sigh. “But that better remain true, Fraser.” Jamie nodded with a small smile. “Alright, I’ll go. You guys have fun.” He walked out the door, flashing Claire a significant look before he walked down the hall. 

Jamie looked back to Claire, an awkwardness settling in the air between them. Neither seemed quite sure what to say after Joe’s presence. “Hold on,” Claire said, grabbing the flowers. She gave them back to him. “Let’s just try this again.” Jamie grinned as she shut the door on him. A few seconds passed before Jamie knocked on the door again. Claire ran a hand over her hair before she opened the door. “Hi,” she said softly. 

“Hi.” He held out the flowers to her. “These are for ye.” 

Claire smiled just as she had before. “Thank you. They’re beautiful. Come on in. I’m going to put these in some water before we go.” She walked over to her kitchen as Jamie stepped in, not walking past her entryway. “So, did you decide where we’re going?” 

“Aye. How do ye feel about Antonio’s?” 

She dropped the scissors she was holding, looking over at him with wide eyes. “Jamie, that’s too much.” 

“Ye love that place!” 

“I’ve only been there one time because it’s so expensive.” 

“Aye, I was there,” Jamie reminded her. “And ye loved it.” 

“The only reason I agreed to go there the last time was because you’d just won the lottery and demanded we go. And yes, the food was excellent, but that’s far too much,” she said, putting the flowers in a vase. 

“Well, tis too late. I already made a reservation.” 

Claire walked over to him. “Reservations can be cancelled.” 

“No’ at Antonio’s,” Jamie lied with a smirk. 

She rolled her eyes at him. “Why are you so insistent on going to this restaurant?” 

Jamie sighed, reaching out to tuck an errant curl back behind her ear. “We’ve been to dinner at all of our favorite places so many times. I suppose I just wanted to pick a place that might make it seem...special. Ye ken?” 

Claire felt a blush creep over her. She looked back up at him and nodded. “Yeah, I get it.” She reached out and fiddled with his jacket. “However, on most first dates, I do tend to go dutch.” 

Jamie laughed, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. “I wouldna have let ye.” He smiled down at her. “Come on, we dinna want to be late.” 

Claire nodded, grabbing her purse before they left her flat. They walked hand in hand to Jamie’s car, all the while in a comfortable silence. A nervous excitement ran through both of them, even if they’d done the basic parts of a date a million times. This time would be different and there was no denying it. 

As they started driving, Claire broke the silence. “I was worried about it too,” she said. Jamie glanced over at her with a confused look. “Wondering how to make this seem different from all the other times we’ve just gone to dinner.” 

“Aye, and did ye come up with any grand ideas?” 

Claire laughed. “No. I just started worrying about what to wear.” 

Jamie laughed with her, grabbing her hand in his. “Well, ye did a good job wi’ that. Ye look beautiful.” He raised their joined hands and kissed the back of hers. 

She was smiling at him before nodding toward the road. “Light’s green.” Jamie nodded and continued driving, but didn’t let go of her hand. 

As they walked from his car toward the restaurant, Jamie stopped her. “I thought of a way to make this different from all the other times.” 

She looked over at him, an eyebrow raised. “Oh yeah? What’s that?” 

He didn’t reply, but instead drew her close until his lips touched hers. His hands gently slid around her, bringing her closer. She reached up and rested her hands against his chest, sighing into the kiss. Slowly, they came apart, foreheads touching. “Sorry, I just couldna wait til the end of the night,” he breathed. 

She smiled, almost to herself as her hand moved to rest at his neck. “No need to apologize.” She leaned in to kiss him quickly again, still amazed that after all these years, she could finally do so. “I am rather looking forward to eating, though.”

Jamie laughed, taking a step back and grabbing her hand again. “But of course. Let’s go.” 

They were seated at an intimate, candlelit table by the window. Claire tried to prepare herself as she opened the menu. She never let herself spend this type of money at a restaurant. When the waiter came to the table, Jamie ordered a pricey bottle of wine for them to share. Claire tried to protest, but Jamie shook his head at her. “Look, I mean it, order whatever ye want. Dinna look at the price.” 

Claire rolled her eyes. “Like that’s going to happen.” She glanced up at him while he looked over the menu. “Can I ask something?” He nodded. “Something that might be potentially awkward.”

His eyes flicked up to hers. “Ye can ask me anything ye want, Sassenach.”  

She took a deep breath. “Do you usually do this?” she asked. He looked confused for a moment. “The whole ‘order whatever you want, who cares about the price’ type thing?” 

Jamie shook his head. “No. I dinna broadcast my money,” he reminded her. “They may know if they found the article, but I dinna do that, no.” 

“You know you don’t have to do that for me just to make things special.” 

“I ken,” Jamie said with a nod. “But we’re already here and I’m no’ letting ye order a salad that costs 20 pounds. That’s jus’ ridiculous.” 

Claire laughed at his outrage. “Thank you,” she said in a small voice. 

He reached across the table and held her hand. “Well, thank ye for agreeing to come tonight.” 

Claire hid a smile behind her other hand as she looked back down at the menu. The rest of the night carried on most of the same way. They’d vary back and forth between the comfortability they’d been used to for ten years and the awkwardness of new feelings they were trying to express. Jamie was much more open than she was about sneaking in small comments that pushed them further into “date mode.” It still felt a bit unreal to her. They’d gone out to dinner hundreds of times in the last ten years. And even though they were both trying to make it feel different, she still had a hard time believing it all. 

After their expensive, but delicious meal, Claire expected they’d just go back home. When they left the restaurant, Jamie took her hand and walked in a different direction from the car. Instead of ending the date, they just strolled together, her arm linked through his. They talked about everything and nothing, simply content to just wander side by side. 

Jamie paused as they approached an ice cream shoppe. He waggled his eyebrows at her in excitement as he dragged her inside. She laughed loudly at him, squeezing his hand in hers. Walking away with overflowing cones, they headed back the way they’d come as they ate their ice cream. When Claire raved about how good hers was, Jamie didn’t hesitate in leaning over and eating some of hers. She stared at him, scandalized as he licked his lips. 

“Ye’re right, that is good.” 

“You just ate some of my ice cream. Right off the cone!” 

He held his cone out to her. “Ye want to try some of mine?” 

“Just right off the cone,” she repeated. 

“So? We’ve kissed. What’s the difference?” 

Her walking slowed as she thought through his point. “Damn it, that’s a fair point.” He nodded with a smug grin. “But, the stealing of ice cream is still unfair.” 

“What are ye going to do about it?” 

Claire watched him for a second. When he went to eat more of his ice cream, she shoved the cone in his face, smearing it over his mouth and cheek. He stared at her in an amused outrage. “Claire!” he cried. 

“Serves you right,” she retorted. 

He motioned to his face where the ice cream started to drip. “Really?” 

She took a moment to build up her nerve before stepping closer. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.” Closing the distance between them, she licked the melting ice cream off his face, starting with his cheek and ending at his mouth. Her tongue played at the corner of his lips before seeking entrance. He sighed as he pulled her close, kissing her deeply. They kept kissing until a horn honked in the distance and they remembered where they were. Separating, Claire looked up at him with a grin. “Your ice cream was pretty good as well.” 

“Christ,” Jamie breathed, walking after her as she turned and headed back to his car. 

When they got back to their building, Jamie walked her back to her door. They stopped, giving each other the same nervous looks from earlier as they stood outside her flat. “I had a good time,” Claire said, feeling a bit silly. 

Jamie chuckled. “Aye, so did I.” 

His gaze lowered to her lips and she leaned in closer to him. Her hands reached up to rest at his neck as his hand touched her chin, guiding her into him. Their lips met again, moving slowly. It progressed quickly, though, fueled by sighs, tongues, and hands. Claire’s back pressed against her door and she pulled him closer to her. 

Quicker than she wanted, Jamie stepped back. She took a look at the state of him — with his hair mussed and his lips kiss swollen. Yet again, it felt unreal that it was because of her. “Anyway, I have to work in the morning, so I should go,” Jamie said, his hands in his pockets. 

“Seriously? You’re leaving?” 

“I just said I had to work,” Jamie reminded her. He reached out, stroking her hair back. “Believe me, I’d rather stay. But I shouldna. Besides, that would be tacky on a first date.” 

Claire rolled her eyes. “Wow. Well, I would just like to remind you that you were the genius who suggested a Sunday date.” 

He laughed, stepping back to her. “I was right to,” he told her as he leaned in close again. “I couldna have waited til Friday for this.” His lips pressed against hers once more. Claire’s hands came up to cup his face and he stepped back again. “No, I should be going. I could stay here all night just kissing ye.” 

She couldn’t fight the smile on her face. “I can’t say I’d mind all that much.” 

“Aye, me either. Another time though,” he said with a pointed look. He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed the back. “Good night, Sassenach.” 

Claire smiled back at him. “Good night, Jamie.” He started to walk down the hall and she let herself into her flat. She closed the door behind her before she leaned against it, letting out a contented sigh. That was when it finally hit her. She’d told Jamie of her feelings and the world hadn’t ended. Instead, it felt like it was all just beginning.

Next chapter

[themackenzies]

Last night I dreamed about making soap. I haven’t made soap yet, myself, but I’d been scrubbing the floor yesterday, and the smell of the soap was still on my hands when I went to bed. It’s a nasty smell, something between acid and ashes, with a horrible faint stink from the hog fat, like something that’s been dead for a long time.

I was pouring water into a kettle of wood ash, to make lye, and it was turning to lye even as I poured. Big clouds of poisonous smoke were coming up from the kettle; it was yellow, the smoke.

Da brought me a big bowl of suet, to mix with the lye, and there were babies’ fingers in it. I don’t remember thinking there was anything strange about this—at the time.

Last night I dreamed that I shaved my legs. I was using Daddy’s razor and his shaving cream, and I was thinking that he’d complain when he found out, but I wasn’t worried. The shaving cream came in a white can with red letters, and it said Old Spice on the label. I don’t know if there ever was shaving cream like that, but that’s what Daddy always smelled of, Old Spice aftershave and cigarette smoke. He didn’t smoke, but the people he worked with did, and his jackets always smelled like the air in the living room after a party. Once Gayle told me that she’d gone out with Chris and hadn’t had time to shave her legs, and she spent the whole evening trying to keep him from putting his hand on her knee, for fear he’d feel the stubble. Afterward, I never shaved my legs without thinking of that, and I’d run my fingers up my thigh, to see whether I could feel anything there, or if it was okay to stop shaving at my kneecaps.

Last night I dreamed that it was raining. Hardly surprising, since it was raining, and has been for two days. When I went out to the privy this morning, I had to jump over a huge puddle by the door, and sank up to the ankles in the soft spot by the blackberries.

We went to bed last night with the rain pounding on the roof. It was so nice to curl up with Roger and be warm in our bed, after a wet, chilly day. Raindrops fell down the chimney and hissed in the fire. We told each other stories from our youths—maybe that’s where the dream came from, thinking about the past.

There wasn’t much to the dream, just that I was looking out a window in Boston, watching the cars go past, throwing up big sheets of water from their wheels, and hearing the swoosh and rush of their tires on the wet streets. I woke up still hearing that sound; it was so clear in my mind that I actually went to the window and peeked out, half expecting to see a busy street, full of cars rushing through the rain. It was a shock to see spruce trees and chestnuts and wild grass and creepers, and hear nothing but the soft patter of raindrops bouncing and trembling on the burdock leaves.

Everything was so vivid a green, so lush and overgrown, that it seemed like a jungle, or an alien planet—a place I’d never been, with nothing I recognized, though in fact I see it every day.

All day, I’ve heard the secret rush of tires in the rain, somewhere behind me.

Last night I dreamed of driving my car. It was my own blue Mustang, and I was driving fast down a winding road, through the mountains—these mountains. I never have driven through these mountains, though I have been through the mountain woodlands in upstate New York. It was definitely here, though; I knew it was the Ridge.

It was so real. I can still feel my hair snapping in the wind, the wheel in my hands, the vibration of the motor and the rumble of tires on the pavement. But that sensation—as well as the car—is impossible. It can’t happen now, anywhere but in my head. And yet there it is, embedded in the cells of my memory, as real as the privy outside, waiting to be called back to life at the flick of a synapse.

That’s another oddness. Nobody knows what a synapse is, except me and Mama and Roger. What a strange feeling; as though we three share all kinds of secrets.

Anyway, that particular bit—the driving—is traceable to a known memory. But what about the dreams, equally vivid, equally real, of things I do not know of my waking self. Are some dreams the memories of things that haven’t happened yet?

Last night I dreamed that I made love with Roger. It was great; for once I wasn’t thinking, wasn’t watching from the outside, like I always do. In fact, I wasn’t even aware of myself for a long time. There was just this … very wild, exciting stuff, and I was part of it and Roger was part of it, but there wasn’t any him or me, just us. The funny thing is that it was Roger, but I didn’t think of him like that. Not by his name—not that name. It was like he had another name, a secret, real one—but I knew what it was.

(I’ve always thought everybody has that kind of name, the kind that isn’t a word. I know who I am—and whoever it is, her name isn’t “Brianna.” It’s me, that’s all. “Me” works fine as a substitute for what I mean—but how do you write down someone else’s secret name?)

I knew Roger’s real name, though, and that seemed to be why it was working. And it really was working, too; I didn’t think about it or worry about it, and I only thought toward the very end, Hey, it’s happening! And then it did happen and everything dissolved and shook and throbbed—Well, none of the books I’ve ever read could describe it, either!

I had my eyes closed—in the dream, that is—and I was lying there with little electric shocks still going off, and I opened my eyes and it was Stephen Bonnet inside me. It was such a shock it woke me up. I felt like I’d been screaming—my throat was all raw—but I couldn’t have been, because Roger and the baby were sound asleep. I was hot all over, so hot I was sweating, but I was cold, too, and my heart was pounding. It took a long time before things settled down enough for me to go back to sleep; all the birds were carrying on. That’s what finally let me go back to sleep, in fact—the birds. Da—and Daddy, too, come to think of it—told me that the jays and crows give alarm calls, but songbirds stop singing when someone comes near, so when you’re in a forest, you listen for that. With so much racket in the trees by the house, I knew it was safe—nobody was there.

I tried to forget it, but that didn’t work. It kept coming back and coming back into my mind, so I finally went out by myself to work in the herb shed. Mama keeps Jemmy when I’m there because he gets in things, so I knew I could be alone. So I sat down in the middle of all the hanging bunches and closed my eyes and tried to remember every single thing about it, and think to myself about the different parts, “That’s okay,” or “That’s just a dream.” Because Stephen Bonnet scared me, and I felt sick when I thought of the end—but I really wanted to remember how. How it felt, and how I did it, so maybe I can do it again, with Roger. But I keep having this feeling that I can’t, unless I can remember Roger’s secret name.

Last night I dreamed about my friend Deborah. She used to make money doing Tarot readings in the Student Union; she’d always offer to do one for me, for free, but I wouldn’t let her. Sister Marie Romaine told us in the fifth grade that Catholics aren’t allowed to do divination—we weren’t to touch Ouija boards or Tarot cards or crystal balls, because things like that are seductions of the D-E-V-I-L—she always spelled it out like that, she’d never say the word. I’m not sure where the Devil came into it, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to let Deb do readings for me. She was, last night, though, in my dream.

I used to watch her do it for other people; the Tarot cards fascinated me—maybe just because they seemed forbidden. But the names were so cool—the Major Arcana, the Minor Arcana; Knight of Pentacles, Page of Cups, Queen of Wands, King of Swords. The Empress, the Magician. And the Hanged Man. Well, what else would I dream about? I mean, this was not a subtle dream, no doubt about it. There it was, right in the middle of the spread of cards, and Deb was telling me about it.

“A man is suspended by one foot from a pole laid across two trees. His arms, folded behind his back, together with his head, form a triangle with the point downward; his legs form a cross. To an extent, the Hanged Man is still earthbound, for his foot is attached to the pole.”

I could see the man on the card, suspended permanently halfway between heaven and earth. That card always looked odd to me—the man didn’t seem to be at all concerned, in spite of being upside-down and blind-folded. Deb kept scooping up the cards and laying them out again, and that one kept coming up in every spread.

“The Hanged Man represents the necessary process of surrender and sacrifice,” she said. “This card has profound significance,” she said, and she looked at me and tapped her finger on it. “But much of it is veiled; you have to figure out the meaning for yourself. Self-surrender leads to transformation of the personality, but the person has to accomplish his own regeneration.”

Transformation of the personality. That’s what I’m afraid of, all right. I liked Roger’s personality just fine the way it was! Well … rats. I don’t know how much the D-E-V-I-L has to do with it, but I am sure that trying to look too far into the future is a mistake. At least right now.

Last night I dreamed that we were lying under a big rowan tree, Roger and I. It was a beautiful summer day, and we were having one of those conversations we used to have all the time, about things we missed. Only the things we were talking about were there on the grass between us. I said I’d sell my soul for a Hershey bar with almonds, and there it was. I slipped the outer wrapper off, and I could smell the chocolate. I unfolded the white paper wrapper inside and started eating the chocolate, but it was the paper we were talking about, then—the wrapper.

Roger picked it up and said what he missed most was loo-paper; this was too slick to wipe your arse with. I laughed and said there wasn’t anything complicated about toilet paper—people could make it now, if they wanted to. There was a roll of toilet paper on the ground; I pointed at it, and a big bumblebee flew down and grabbed the end of it and flew off, unfurling the toilet paper in its wake. It flew in and out, weaving it through the branches overhead.

Then Roger said it was blasphemy to think about wiping yourself with paper—it is, here. Mama writes in tiny letters when she does her case-notes, and when Da writes to Scotland he writes on both sides of the page, and then he turns it sideways and writes across the lines, so it looks like lattice-work. Then I could see Da, sitting on the ground, writing a letter to Aunt Jenny on the toilet paper, and it was getting longer and longer and the bee was carrying it up into the air, flying off toward Scotland with it.

I use more paper than anyone. Aunt Jocasta gave me some of her old sketchbooks to use, and a whole quire of watercolor paper—but I feel guilty when I use them, because I know how expensive it is. I have to draw, though. A nice thing about doing this portrait for Mrs. Sherston—since I’m earning money, I feel like I can use a little paper.

Then the dream changed and I was drawing pictures of Jemmy, with a #2B yellow pencil. It said “Ticonderoga” on it in black letters, like the ones we used to use in school. I was drawing on toilet paper, though, and the pencil kept ripping through it, and I was so frustrated that I wadded up a bunch in my hand. Then it went into one of those boring, uncomfortable dreams where you’re wandering around looking for a place to go to the bathroom and can’t find one—and finally you wake up enough to realize that you do have to go to the bathroom.

I can’t decide whether I’d rather have the Hershey bar, the toilet paper, or the pencil. I think the pencil. I could smell the freshly-sharpened wood on the point, and feel it between my fingers, and my teeth. I used to chew my pencils, when I was little. I still remember what it felt like to bite down hard and feel the paint and wood give, just a little, and munch my way up and down the length of the pencil, until it looked like a beaver had been gnawing on it. I was thinking about that, this afternoon. It made me feel sad that Jem won’t have a new yellow pencil, or a lunchbox with Batman on it, when he goes to school—if he ever does go to school.

Roger’s hands are still too bad to hold a pen. And now I know that I don’t want pencils or chocolate, or even toilet paper. I want Roger to talk to me again.

Then I woke up and I really was cold. Roger had pulled all the covers off and rolled himself up in them, and there was a terrible draft blowing in under the door. I nudged him and yanked on the blankets, but I couldn’t get them loose and I didn’t want to make a lot of noise and wake Jemmy up. Finally, I got up and got my cloak off the peg and went back to sleep under that. Roger got up before me this morning and went out; I don’t think he noticed that he’d left me in the cold.

Last night I dreamed that Roger was leaving. I’ve been dreaming about his going for a week, ever since Da suggested it. Suggested—ha. Like Moses brought down the Ten Suggestions from Mount Sinai. In the dream, Roger was packing things in a big sack, and I was busy mopping the floor. He kept getting in my way, and I kept pushing the sack aside to get at another part of the floor. It was filthy, with all sorts of stains and sticky glop. There were little bones scattered around, like Adso had eaten some little animal there, and the bones kept getting caught up in my mop. I don’t want him to go, but I do, too. I hear all the things he isn’t saying; they echo in my head. I keep thinking that when he’s gone, it will be quiet.

I can still see every last thing in the china cabinet in the living room: Mama’s great-grandfather’s hand-painted cake stand (he was an artist, she said, and won a competition with that cake stand, a hundred years ago), the dozen crystal goblets that Daddy’s mother left him, along with the cut-glass olive dish and the cup and saucer hand-painted with violets and gilt rims.

I was standing in front of it, putting away the china—but we didn’t keep the china in that cabinet; we kept it in the shelf over the oven—and the water was overflowing from the sink in the kitchen, and running out across the floor, puddling round my feet. Then it started to rise, and I was sloshing back and forth to the kitchen, kicking up the water so it sparkled like the cut-glass olive dish. The water got deeper and deeper, but nobody seemed to be worried; I wasn’t. The water was warm, hot, in fact, I could see steam rising off it.

That’s all there was to the dream—but when I got up this morning, the water in the basin was so cold I had to warm water in a pan on the fire before I washed Jemmy. All the time I was checking the water on the fire, I kept remembering my dream, and all those gallons and gallons of hot, running water.

What I wonder is, these dreams I have about then—they seem so vivid and detailed; more than the dreams I have about now. Why do I see things that don’t exist anywhere except inside my brain? What I wonder about the dreams is—all the new inventions people think up—how many of those things are made by people like me—like us? How many “inventions” are really memories, of the things we once knew? And—how many of us are there?

Twelve Days of Outlander - Ten Blogs a Posting Dreams a Journaling

[nyrator]

random life updatess, some blehs, some animal crossings

today was not a good day again (bought turnips in AC, rip that 110 price, then ate breakfast, and then laid back down until 7PM), then dealt with drama stuffs and me being in general not-a-good person when I got up, and ultimately couldn’t even bring myself to eat dinner (which I’m now regretting since there aren’t any snacks or anything in the apartment either, just completely drained at the moment)

wondering where to go to vent things since I feel too self conscious of social media and don’t want to bother people I know, but bottling it up inside has been very painful to me lately and I don’t handle it well

but enough of that

in terms of life itself

still living the quarantined life, still car-less but getting rides from friends to go shopping which is nice. tomorrow will be a strange schedule (shopping/taking mother to doctor/meeting another friend/dealing with my mother giving me two different times to go to the doctor, one of which interferes with meeting said friend, and I swear they told her not to come because of the virus, but we will see)

also ants are in the apartment which is bleh but I’ve learned to deal with it until I can buy ant traps or something (I wish they’d turn the central air on already, May is hot)

not sure what the future holds in terms of my financial life honestly- my work will be opening up as soon as the governor lets them, but only with the owners running it- It sounds like I won’t be brought back until the fall, if they even stay open that long

ubi sounds really nice right now and I hope one day it passes (politics is still something I pay too much attention to but will keep refraining from bringing up again)

in other news

working on this game jammm

mentioned how I wasn’t looking forward to it, but perhaps that’s too harsh- I always enjoy the jam. But man, at the same time, not looking forward to the work part at alll- but it has to be done. Red Square was extremely painful to work on, but at least the current collab I’m working on will be less taxing on me design-wise (I hope). But there is something massive planned, at least, because with Kresna, there always is. He’s really incredible, and I’m excited to see the finished product.

I still have projects I should work on, but just can’t- Came so close to making a complete reference of console tan designs that I have so far last night, but ended up crashing right down and can’t focus on working at all at the moment.

was debating working on one of my rpg maker games alongside the current project, but I have a feeling that’ll be impossible (or at least, not ideal)

rotten nyan still needs to update, and I still feel too self conscious about it, I think- part of me wants to make a hidden account to do all the twisted things I’d like, and all the disgusting things I don’t think anyone wants to see, but it’s tough and I still don’t think I want to be personally associated with that kind of content. I don’t know. Even then, my mind still isn’t able to visualize what I want to create- Any time I lay down and try to think, it’s either pain from anxiety, or disgusting thoughts I don’t want to share. I don’t know what to make- it feels like I have the power to create anything I want in a sense, but nothing to want to make. Maybe I’m “the Ny that Stole the Sun”.

so much free time, but nothing to show for it, it’s really disappointing to me, but I just can’t focus on things I want to anymore

but anyway, enough about that

Got a nice little pick me-up in ACNH when deciding to play it a little bit ago, a good present from Lala, good friend. Now I can be the purple magical Ny I always wanted to be~ But really, thanks Lala, it means a lot

Also decided to try turning the face icons into sprites to use as custom design signs, I think it’s already been done but I like doing things by hand, got Merry’s done at least.

Been organizing the town, but it is definitely a work in progress- I got my house, the buildings, and four villager houses planned out, but no idea what to do with the other six villagers, or what attraction-y things to add like playgrounds and stuff (it’ll take a while until I have enough furniture to be able to piece things together). Also need to figure out how to properly decorate the Able shop and things like river layouts and stuff.

house interior is still an absolute mess and still waiting to find a site to make it easier to search for certain furniture (I use villagerdb mostly but hard to find things in specific colors still), just need the basement and I thiiiink my house will be fully upgraded?

also wish it was easier to get villagers I’d like (here’s a random thing I made of villagers I like, though doesn’t include the new villagers to this game like jock sheep or lazy goat friends), circled ones I’m most likely going to settle with but mann, it’s hard (why does normal have so many good choices... I randomly got Gayle early on and Merengue from an island visit and they’re both unexpected but good friends)

I was hoping it’d be like in ACNL where you could be like “oh hey you can have nine villagers and a tenth will only move in when you will it to”, that way I could just use my 50,000+ nook miles to get tickets and hunt for villagers, but looks like I’d only have a day or so after someone moves out

there’s amiibo of course but they’re getting expensive (I could get my own NFC things I guess but it feels like cheating), but I feel Stella’s the next one I want to move in and I don’t have her card, rippp

also still adjusting to the personalities in this game, still sad cranky became “old man complains about being old”, but at least it’s not as bad as it was in Pocket Camp I think. Also Lazy’s are now “I am baby who speaks to the bugs, they are my friends, they whisper to me” and honestly it’s weird enough that I like it but hard to picture anyone but Prince acting like that (I’m not a fan of frogs or his facial hair so hmm)

also man lots of use of “Le” in this game, I forgot that was still a thing people did. Peppy and Smug are still great for me to talk to though so I’m happy.

but yeah, I should go to bed I guess, it’s past 4AM

[torestoreamends]

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Recap: Cast Four – 22/23 & 26 May (Part One)

On Wednesday and Thursday I saw Cast Four for the first time. I came out of those performances unsure how I felt about the cast and the changes to the show. There was a lot that I didn’t like, and I didn’t feel excited about the year ahead at all. Looking back now, I was exhausted when I was watching those shows. I didn’t take much in, and when I was trying to write my recap I knew I was missing a lot. I felt neither passionate about nor proud of what I was writing. 

So on Sunday I got another ticket and tried again. I ended up sitting further back than I have in a year and a half, but also in the second most central seat I’ve had in a year. And it helped. 

I’ve always found that sitting close to the stage you focus on the action close to the front a lot more. It’s difficult to get the depth of what’s going on. When you sit slightly further back it’s far easier to take in the choreography, and what I was unhappy with on Wednesday and Thursday was largely the choreographic changes. 

My Sunday seat gave me a view like I was looking at a model box of the show — it was the sort of view the show was designed to be seen from. All the shapes came out, the lighting, the details of the movement, plus it was an absolute gift of a show. I fell in love with portrayals and changes I hadn’t been certain of, and fell even more deeply in love with the things I’d already enjoyed. 

So, without further ado, here are some thoughts about the new portrayals we’ve got (including our first cover of the year — the wonderful Gordon Millar as Karl etc.), followed by a recap of Sunday’s show, combined with thoughts from Wednesday and Thursday. 

Because this got exceptionally long (my second longest recap ever), I’ve split it in half. Part One is below, and Part Two can be found here.

*

David Mara — Station Master

If I had to pick anyone to step into Martin’s shoes, it would have been David. He was great in every role I saw him cover last year, and he was great in this role too. I like the strange whistle he does at the start of the scene — it reminds me of someone else who used to do proper signalling style whistles — and it’s fun to watch him looking with confusion at the boys as they chat in their corner (although I am concerned by how much he must overhear). I can’t wait to see this scene develop over the year.

Lucy Mangan — Myrtle

I think Lucy’s going to be a really excellent Myrtle (and I can’t wait to see her cover Delphi too). There were some great over the top little touches to her portrayal. When she did ‘the weeping after he was taken’, she cried once then stopped, cried again then stopped, then one of the boys started trying to talk so she held a hand up to stop him while she cried a third time. It’s ridiculous little details like that, which make me most excited to see her again. 

Blythe Duff — Professor McGonagall

They honestly couldn’t have found a better person to take over from Sandy. Blythe is the first McGonagall not to have the Maggie Smith look, but that actually made me love her more. It was her warmth and charm and sparkle that made her feel like McGonagall, and I would probably fight to the death for her already.

Her Trolley Witch was also gorgeous. I’ve seen many Trolley Witch debuts over the years, and even ones I ultimately come to love have felt disappointing first time round, but not this one. She captured the right feeling of ancient, authoritative power so perfectly. I cannot wait to see her again.

Gordon Millar as Karl

Our first cover of the year, and what a good one. On Wednesday and Thursday he went straight onto my ‘must watch’ list, so a big part of me deciding to go for a ticket on Sunday was the desire to see him. 

His Karl is actually quite sweet (which I think stems from Gordon being a lovely, funny human being), but in the St Oswald’s scene Gordon’s character is an absolute — to put it bluntly — dick. He’s a bully, a nasty piece of work, and it really helps the scene (more on that later). I also loved Gordon’s Krum a lot. This one has great movement (like seemingly everyone in the cast), and I cannot wait to see more of him.

Luke Sumner and Emma-May Uden as Yann and Polly

I feel bad lumping these two together but in the show they really did come as a pair. They were perfect fake, popular, nasty individuals. I’ve never hated Yann and Polly more, and I mean that in the best possible way. They were just the sort of people who would bully Albus and Scorpius, and I loved it.

Ronnie Lee as Craig

My heart belongs to Ronnie. There was just something so likeable about him. Sometimes Craig feels like a little ray of sunshine, and that’s just how it should be. Also, I appreciate the boldness of someone who’ll full on lie on the death table, with both feet in the air, so it looks like they’ve been blasted off their feet and are falling to the ground in slow motion. That was an excellent death.

Another thing I noticed about Ronnie was his dance talent. There was a Mackley-esque fierceness to his Death Eater dance, and he was just generally brilliant at the movement. This whole cast is so noticeably strong on the movement — possibly the strongest so far.

Also, while I’m talking about Ronnie I have to mention the other two members of the most adorable trio of Slytherin boys ever — there’s Gordon, as mentioned above, and Duncan Shelton. They had some chants going on in the first task, some excitable stampy feet, and just lots of general sweetness. I can’t wait to get to know these three better. They’re going to be brilliant.

Kathryn Meisle as Umbridge

One of our very first Hogwarts foreign exchange students. I thought she did a really good job, and I particularly thought her Petunia was good. Also, she did a little skip when she was going off after telling Scorpius he was ruining Voldemort, which was just the perfect touch of sweet, girlish, disgusting Umbridge.

Madeleine Walker as Delphi

I had two first impressions of Madeleine as Delphi. First, I don’t know how many of you have seen Puffs, but in terms of attitude and eyeliner she looked just like Megan — like she’s trying to be edgy but is actually just a nerd. My other first impression, related to that, was that Delphi was exactly the sort of person that Albus and Scorpius would want to be friends with. 

She’s awkward and nerdy and has the same vibe as they do. It’s easy to see how well she’s playing them, especially in Part One. But at the same time, once she’s revealed her true self she doesn’t change much, and there’s something very creepy about that. This person who seems so harmless and nice has all this evil lurking literally right under the surface, and she holds very little of herself back. 

It should also be said that at some point this year, Madeleine is going to deliver the wildest Torture Scene we’ve ever had. Even on Sunday she absolutely blew me away, and it’s only going to get better. I’m so excited. 

Michelle Gayle as Hermione

I liked Michelle‘s Hermione. She had a bit of the know-it-all vibe, and her Hermione felt quite young. There was this obvious relation to book Hermione that worked well. I particularly liked her scene in Harry’s office right at the start of the play. She felt like Harry’s friend from the books. I also think that she’s got a lot of great thoughts about the character, and I can’t wait to see her engage with them throughout her performance and develop them over the year.

She made a great attempt to play Delphi Polyjuiced, which I really appreciated. That was a big highlight from her. It’s surprising how rare it is to see the adults actually try to replicate what the kids are doing (aside from Jamie B, who’s a master of the art).

Rayxia Ojo as Rose

Rayxia’s back, and it’s wonderful. Her Rose has always seemed so grown up and mature, and next to Dominic’s Albus she feels particularly so, just because she looks so tall beside him. It’s weird because in all the ensemble scenes she’s one of the shortest people around. Anyway, it’s great to have her back in the show, she works wonderfully with Michelle (there’s a similarity of character there that’s really nice), and I can’t wait to see more from her.

Ryan Mackay as James

I’ve seen Ryan as James a few times before, and always enjoyed him, but he seems to have come into his own with this cast. He particularly owned the Lily and James death scene, and it was uncanny how much he and Dom looked like brothers when they were standing near each in the opening scene. I also adored his Cedric, particularly on Sunday, and he has a very fine background moment in St Oswald’s that I truly think helps make the scene palatable. I’m so pleased he gets an expanded role with this cast and seems to be flourishing with it. 

Dominic Short as Albus

Sometimes when I watch someone play a character in this show for the first time I feel an instant comfort in their portrayal, and that was how I felt with Dom. It was a mixed blessing because I felt so comfortable and confident in him that I didn’t pay him as much attention as I should have done (there was lot to take in), but I really loved him. Thankfully, on Sunday I get to pay a lot closer attention to him, and he absolutely blew me away. Even from near the back of the stalls his expressiveness drew me in. 

His Albus has a certain happiness to him. He’s less broken than the last couple have been. There’s genuine jubilation in his portrayal at certain moments, like when he casts some of the spells successfully and when they figure out how to get a message to Harry.

There are many moments when he reminded me vividly of Sam’s Albus (which will never be a problem), and I loved the flashes of anger and emotion. On first viewing I felt that he was quite a young Albus, especially after Joe whose Albus was quite mature and surprisingly thoughtful. However, on second viewing he felt a lot more self-aware, and there was some real tenderness there. Some absolutely beautiful moments.

One of my favourite things about him was that in Part One he feels wrapped up in his own problems, and you can clearly see the spiral from an enthusiastic boy looking forward to going to Hogwarts to an angry, miserable, withdrawn young man by fourth year. The transition scene was perfectly played in that regard.

I really was very impressed by him. I think he’s the Albus they’ve been trying to cast since the show opened. He has Sam’s fierce anger and prickliness, with Theo’s emotion, Joe’s humour, and an ability to adapt and change to what’s going on around him. We’re only at the start and already he’s sparking my imagination and making me desperate to see more. This is going to be the most excellent year.

*

So, with those first impressions out of the way, let’s get into some changes and great character moments.

Opening and transition scene (Act One, Scenes One to Four)

The weird thing about a first show, especially one in which the person playing the Sorting Hat is staying the same, is that for the first few seconds nothing feels different. It could be any other show. But then the first member of the ensemble walks out and you realise that everything has changed.

There’s a new bit of choreography in the first scene that I was pre-warned of but of course completely forgot about until it happened, so it took me by surprise. The Sorting Hat (who now wears glasses as part of his costume – fun facts) stands in the middle of the stage and manipulates the people around him. There’s a whole group that he diverts with a flash of light, a man he turns round with a gesture, and he makes the woman at the front of the stage walk round her suitcase.

As someone who loves the Sorting Hat, his role in the play, and what it means, the whole interaction felt a bit random. It’s obviously a flashy opening to the show, with a bit of magic, but I’ve never seen the Sorting Hat as a manipulator. I’ve realised recently that he’s a protector and guardian of the boys (particularly of Scorpius) in the same way that Hagrid is a protector of Harry, and he’s also the bringer of magic to the show, but this doesn’t seem to add anything to that. If anything, there needed to be more of the manipulation – there were only three interactions, so it didn’t actually make that much of an impact on someone seeing it of the first time. To me it ought to be go big or go home.

On the second viewing I realised that technically bringing Harry onto Platform 9 3/4 could count as one of the manipulations (it’s got the same sound effect associated with it), and I also realised that he never seems to touch a group that has Delphi in. So maybe there is some meaning in there if you dig a bit.

The first big line change is Lily’s line in the opening scene, which is no longer ‘Are they here? Maybe they didn’t come’. It’s not her wondering whether the Granger-Weasleys are late, and lamenting that they’re always late. Thankfully this isn’t a line from the epilogue, so the change doesn’t really have that much impact. It’s another of the random changes that we now see throughout the show – ones that don’t really make much of a difference, and it’s unclear why they were made.

In this opening scene, seeing Dom and Ryan side by side showed how perfect their casting as brothers is. They look so similar, particularly in face shape. 

Watching this cast for a second time from a distance let me appreciate a really cool James moment properly for the first time. When Albus is being sorted, James and Scorpius are on complete opposite sides of the stage, perfectly symmetrical, and they’re the only two people in the crowd picked out by a spotlight, which illuminates both their faces. It’s like Albus’s Sorting is visibly tearing him between his family and his new best friend, and it lets you see both their reactions perfectly — James’s bewilderment and Scorpius’s disbelieving excitement. 

Going back to the opening scene, we got to see the first glimpse of Dom’s Albus before anything happens to him. There’s a youthful joy there. He laughs at Ron’s jokes and seems to be relaxed around his family. He’s genuinely excited to be going to Hogwarts. Until he gets there…

There are directions throughout the transition scene that with each passing year, Albus gets more withdrawn and miserable, and that’s just how Dom played it. You could see the process of Albus becoming increasingly demoralised with life at Hogwarts, and it was wonderful. Right from the start, Dom had such ownership over Albus, putting his stamp on the role, and even just the first scene made me excited to see him in Part Two – it was an excellent start.

In the first show everything was technically perfect, but in the show on Sunday, the fire didn’t work on the Incendio trick. However, Dom’s cover for it was perfect, and added something to the character. He just sighed very heavily and sort of threw his hands in the hair as he said he didn’t expect it to work anyway. I never realised before how that line is so open to all possibilities.

The next few obvious changes came in the transition scene: Scorpius now offers Rose a rose in London (is it a trick rose? It looked like it had a collapsible stem to me), also, when the boys’ potion explodes, the kids around Albus and Scorpius flop forwards instead of bending backwards. And then, of course, you get the wand dance.

Dominic was so bold in the wand dance, which I really enjoyed. Nothing was held back and everything was extended and gone for. There was actually lots I loved about the new choreography in this scene too (I think it was one of the biggest successes of all the changed elements). There are lots of circles and lines, and my favourite moment was when all the other kids circled round Albus, leaning in and looming over him. I also liked that he got a moment to fit in and help the others – just a brief flash of success, that must be all the more painful for being so fleeting.

The new wand dance begins with a big flashy trick – the current shot of fire now connects up to a sort of flaming rope on the ceiling, so that brief spark flies all the way from the bottom to the top of the stage. It ends with the usual red smoke, and one of the other kids taunting Albus: “Even his wand wants to be in Gryffindor”.

To briefly backtrack, I need to give a quick shoutout to Dom’s “I stayed for your sweets” from Sunday. He did a little dad dance as he said it, and I can only describe it as like he was milking a cow. A little up and down motion with his hands, fists clenched. I know it sounds weird (this show has made me write some very bizarre descriptive phrases) but he made it work, even if he did look like a ridiculous nerd doing it. 

Blanket Scene (Act One, Scenes Six and Seven)

I really liked the introduction to Delphi in the scene before the Blanket Scene. Her conversation with Albus is really sweet, and she curtised to him before she went off to talk to Amos (the first of two curtsies in the show — the second was to Scorpius when he called her The Augurey). 

One of her finest moments was when she shook hands with Harry and looked at the scars on his hand. You could feel her reading ‘I must not tell lies’ and mentally calling him out for lying right in front of her. After all, he does know about the Time-Turner, she knows he does, and she also knows that he’s lying to Amos. It was such a powerful, silent moment of judgement. A gorgeous little detail.

In the Blanket Scene itself, I adored how Dom’s Albus interacted with his siblings. Because I was so far away for the Sunday show I couldn’t actually see or hear Albus laughing at James’s antics, but I could see his shoulders bouncing from the laughter. And then when Lily comes in looking for her Potions book, Albus holds his hands up to say it’s not his fault. It’s only when Harry comes into the room that he finally sits down, perched on the edge of the bed, and from that moment he never really relaxed or seemed comfortable. His space had been invaded, and he tensed up almost immediately. 

Once they got into the scene itself, we found an angry Albus, who wasn’t afraid to raise his voice and fight back. At no point did he seem even close to accepting the blanket, and there was an expression on his face that said that he hated his dad’s reasoning for giving it to him. He knew the gift was all about Harry, and he detested it right from the word go.

One of the things I noticed about Dom’s Albus was how he always shrank back, never holding his ground. He ended up occupying parts of the stage that people don’t normally go to – only by a few centimetres sometimes, but it was still noticeable. In this scene he was pushed well back beyond the bed, and again in the final scene he hid among the graves, keeping a physical distance from Harry. In this particular scene it worked really well, the shrinking away, closing himself off, as Harry got more heated. I also loved that he said the final line of the scene the original way round: ‘No luck or love for me then’. 

Dom’s is one of the angriest Blanket Scenes we’ve had for a while. He really explodes, and it’s wonderful. He fully unfolds the blanket when he describes it as mouldy, and gives it a look of disgust that Harry is so upset by. 

St Oswald’s (Act One, Scene Thirteen)

I have now seen the new St Oswald’s three times (once on Broadway, twice in London), and I still can’t say that I’m convinced by it. 

At first I hated it. With a passion. It starts off alright, with a biscuit palace appearing onstage, then quickly descends into something quite distasteful. The stage direction in the script for this scene is about magic being done for fun. It’s supposed to be joyful, people who can do magic because they love it rather than having to do it for work or study. It should be colourful and vibrant, as well as chaotic.

What we get is certainly chaotic, but as the employees of St Oswald’s play various tricks on the residents, there’s an uncomfortable feeling to the scene. There’s not a nice spirit there. Previously the scene has been hilarious and delightful. Now it’s just mean, and borders on elder abuse, which just isn’t necessary. The scene could have been remade without going anywhere near that territory, and I do think it’s a serious misstep. Not to mention the fact that some of the tricks are so juvenile and fake (one lady gets stuck inside a sofa, with a pair of legs that are so clearly not her own sticking up in the air). 

On Sunday, my third viewing of it, however, I did start to see sort of what they were going for, and there were a couple of redeeming features. When you sit close to the front it’s difficult to see the choreography going on towards the back of the stage, so sitting further back allowed me to see Ryan’s role in the scene, and I loved what he brought to it. 

His staff member has a very brief role in proceedings, but I think it’s essential. While Gordon was bullying the residents (which he did with incredible viciousness), Ryan was looking utterly horrified. There was an expression on his face that just said ‘this is so far from okay, I’m not doing this’, and that was the point when he exited the scene. 

It was really good to see someone in character acknowledging how bad what was going on was, and showed a self-awareness that I hadn’t realised was there before. There was also the fact that at the end of the scene, when the nasty staff member gets his comeuppance (he ends up holding a teacup that’s spilling over with fire), the residents of St Oswald’s all started dancing and enjoying themselves. Those two things combined really helped me with it, and I think with further viewings I might come around to accepting it. 

It is still frustrating to have to work so hard on it though. I’ve always loved this show for its artistry and joyful magic, and this scene feels like an unnecessary step away from that. What was wrong with the original, very funny, perfectly good spirited version of the scene? 

Around the map (Act One, Scene Seventeen)

The scene where the adults talk around the map, trying to work out where Albus and Scorpius might be, is always a bit of a dark horse of a scene. It doesn’t feel that important, but there’s always so much fascinating character work going on there. And so it was in this show.

I caught Harry and Ginny having a silent conversation, in which Harry told Ginny not to mention what he said to Albus. I’m pretty sure that was because he didn’t want Draco to know, and if he had to tell Hermione he’d rather tell her in person. And yet of course Ginny brings up an opportunity for him to tell everyone. It made it feel almost as if she was betraying him, which did actually work.

There’s a lot of conflict during the show between Harry and Ginny. It’s hidden because their relationship is so strong and they do spend so much time interacting. They obviously love one another. But Ginny does find Harry’s actions difficult to swallow sometimes. She calls him out on them. And that tiny interaction in this scene really laid the groundwork for that.

Ginny’s priority throughout the play is Albus. Harry is a grown man who can look after himself, and while she loves him, she knows that Albus is by far the more vulnerable party here, and she’s going to fight every step of the way to find him and help him. In this scene, getting Harry to admit what he’s done is the best way of achieving that, so she makes it happen. She doesn’t actively tell everyone what Harry’s role in Albus’s disappearance was, but she puts him in a position that enables him to tell the truth.

To know that that came from a silent conversation between the two of them was so fascinating, and it added an extra dimension to the journey they take through the rest of the show. We could not be more lucky. Jamie and Susie are such fantastic actors, and the thought they bring to their characters is game changing.

Opening of Act Two (Act Two, Scene One)

Here were a couple of changes that I loved straight away. Before in the dream sequence, young Harry has been haunted by a single, ghostly hand, and that’s still the case. Except in the new version, by the end there are three hands reaching for him.

This might be a bit random, but I really liked the fact that there were three hands, not four. The odd number threw things off and added to the creepiness of it. There was something even more unnatural about the dream. And actually what I noticed throughout the show is that in the moments that are meant to be unnatural and wrong, tiny bits of choreography have been tweaked to make that vibe feel so tangible. 

The other great thing about this new version of the dream is that Harry finally does look like he’s wet himself. It’s a detail that should have been added years ago, but I’m glad it’s here now. Also, Harry’s clothes are now genuinely too big for him. They look like adult’s clothes, just the way they should. Those little things make all the difference.

The adults visit McGonagall’s Office (Act Two, Scene Three)

There were so many reasons to love Blythe as McGonagall, but one of my favourites came in this scene. As they were leaving the office to go and find the boys, she saw Ron with the napkin tucked into his top, and reached across to take it off him with a tut. It was so brusque and no nonsense, plus it hinted at her familiarity with him and the others. Although she holds power over them (even Hermione) by virtue of being one of the most wise and respected figures in the Wizarding World, this group are also colleagues in a sense — fellow soldiers who have fought through a war together — and the respect goes both ways. Respect and fondness. Almost a familial bond. It was such a sweet little touch. 

Expelliarmus Scene (Act Two, Scene Four)

This is one of the big trick scenes that can go wrong, but I’m pleased to report that it didn’t in either show. There was an air of confidence from both Madeleine and Dom, and the trick worked really smoothly. Being able to pull that one off with such panache must take guts, especially first time out, and they did a great job. In fact they were both very good with the magic throughout.

Another excellent Delphi moment came at the end of this scene (only in the first show — sadly it wasn’t repeated on Sunday). After she kissed Albus on the cheek, Scorpius did his normal flailing routine in front of her, and she was having none of it. She rolled her eyes and, from several metres away, did a fake little ‘mwah mwah’ in the air, roughly directed to either side of his face. It was sarcastic, impatient, and designed to let him know that he needed to get out of her way fast, which he did. It was a great way of handling his ridiculousness.

Bane and the search for the boys (Act Two, Scene Five)

One of the little details I noticed during the opening of this scene, when everyone was searching the forest, was that Harry wasn’t quite alone when he started calling for Albus and Scorpius. On Wednesday I assumed this was just because the ensemble were a little bit slow getting off the stage, but it was the same on Sunday too, and I was really pleased. I liked it as a sign of Harry’s desperation. Even amongst all these other people helping him, he starts shouting for his son. No waiting for a private moment. No embarrassment. Just his guilt and his need to get his son back safely.

First Task (Act Two, Scene Seven)

If anyone was afraid that the First Task might be a little quiet without the Mackley, Josh, and James Phoon show, you needn’t be. There was plenty of chaos going on, enough to make it difficult to watch the main action.

This was the scene that made me fall in love with the trio of Slytherin boys – Ronnie, Gordon, and Duncan. They were simply wonderful, and absolutely adorable. They had a little chant that I couldn’t quite catch (I think it might have been Cedric related), and then there was some excitable chanting of Krum’s name when he was announced. Also, Ronnie kept stamping his feet to emphasise his applause, and it looked like the three of them were having a whale of a time.

On Sunday, when Gordon was in Hufflepuff, Ronnie went on a Josh-style excursion to visit him, which was very sweet. When he got back to Slytherin there was a lot of hat stealing and Krum chanting and just general chaos. 

Hospital Wing (Act Two, Scenes Eight and Nine)

Albus had a little nightmare while Harry was talking to Dumbledore. He didn’t thrash around as much as Theo used to, it was quite contained, but he was definitely bothered by something going on in his head. There’s something nice about an Albus waking up with a shout of his dad’s name. Even after everything, he still subconsciously loves and needs his dad.

Another little detail from this scene was that this Albus actually ate some of the chocolate. It’s always fun to note who does and doesn’t (Joe very much did not).

One of my favourite Dominic moments came in the scene after this one, when Albus tells Scorpius that he can’t speak to him anymore. He was sharp with Scorpius, but it seemed to be driven by his desire to at least try and do what was necessary to make peace with his dad. However, he was certainly not happy about it. After he’d told Scorpius they’d be better off without each other, he turned to his dad to say ‘okay?’ It was spiteful, spat out, as if saying ‘are you happy now?’ As much as he wants his dad’s affection, he hates the things he has to do to try and get it.

Staircase Ballet (Act Two, Scene Twelve)

This was the first scene where I really noticed the difference in height between Jonathan and Dominic. I obviously knew that Jonathan is the tallest Scorpius we’ve ever had and Dominic the shortest Albus, but there’s something about seeing it in person that makes it all so much more real.

The two boys came together at the top of the stairs (the point when they’re standing side by side, and Albus is trying to avoid Scorpius’s eyes) and there they were. Tall and tiny.

The other thing I really loved about this staircase ballet came from something I’ve noticed before. While Scorpius moves through Hogwarts with ease, from staircase to staircase without a thought, Albus hits dead ends and has to wind his way through the school. It’s like the school accepts Scorpius, but is rejecting Albus. And in both these shows, when Albus walked out from the wings to climb the staircase and meet Scorpius in the middle, he was faced with the wrong end of the staircase. Instead of having steps leading up, there was an unattainable ledge high above him. It was just another sign of the school shutting him out. Another barrier. Sometimes he must feel that he can’t possibly get anywhere – even the building is against him, let alone the classes, his magic, and his fellow students.

Library Scene (Act Two, Scene Sixteen)

I don’t remember much from this scene on Wednesday, but Sunday was vivid, so let’s talk about that. In fact, let’s just talk about Dominic. 

In every scene, but in this one particularly, his body language alone carried right to the back of the theatre. While Scorpius was yelling at Albus, most of the time he was on the verge of stepping forward. He wanted to interrupt, to defend himself, to just say something, maybe even apologise. He was constantly on tiptoes, half stepping forward, half rooted to the spot, shoulders hunched, Time-Turner cradled in his hand. 

Then Scorpius started talking about his mum, and that was when Albus finally stopped trying to interject. He stepped back, bowing his head. He seemed to shrink, and all the fight went out of him until there was just despair. 

When I first saw Dom’s Albus I thought he might be selfish, but on Sunday I realised just how self-aware he is. Especially in the library scene he was so conscious of everything he’d done and said, and what Scorpius was directing at him. It was heartbreaking to see him crumble like that. And when he got onto his apology there was such softness to it, but also power, this drive to let Scorpius know the truth. It was such a beautiful apology, and I’m so pleased that by Sunday Dom had already found Albus’s softer side, because (probably down to nerves) that was the one thing I was lacking on Wednesday and Thursday. 

The other big thing to talk about in this scene has to be the hug. I don’t even know if it can be described as a hug, because there wasn’t much of the boys holding onto each other. While Dom did attempt to do some hugging, Jonathan just draped himself over Dom’s shoulders. He was hanging off him, arms dangling down his back. Only very briefly did Scorpius actually pat Albus’s back, before they parted. It was one of the most awkward disasters of a hug I’ve ever seen. I loved it.

Act Two ending

A couple of little things to finish off Part One:

McGonagall absolutely embraced ‘I solemnly swear that I am up to no good’. She did the most epic wand swish, and was really going for it. Rebellious McGonagall might be my absolute favourite thing to come from the show.

When the boys are under the lake, they now have wild static hair. I noticed it first because I spotted how wild Dom’s hair was. Then I noticed that Scorpius’s wig was sticking up. It took me a second to twig that it was because they were meant to be underwater. At first I thought it was a nice touch, but then I realised that, because the hair doesn’t move like they’re underwater, it kind of just looks like they’ve been attacked with balloons backstage. Also, I feel really sorry for Dom who has to brush that mess out before he can go and have lunch. A little puff of wind or something to make the hair move might make the whole thing more effective. It’s difficult to tell. But for now I guess I’ll just be entertained by how wild they look.

Umbridge did a very creepy skip as she went off after telling Scorpius about Voldemort Day. It was chillingly perfect; just the right amount of gross girlishness.

The Dementor on stage left is wild. Both on Wednesday and Sunday it kept pogoing up and down like mad. I kind of love it. It’s very excitable. 

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So that’s Part One. Click here for Part Two and a little bit of summing up >

[karl-jenkins]

HPCC London Cast 4 First Impressions

I saw London cast 4 for the first time on Sunday (26th May 2019) and wanted to put down some thoughts I had while watching. These are just my interpretations and what I took from their performance. Overall, I had such a great time watching them, I have very high hopes for this cast and I can’t wait to see them again and see what else I learn about their interpretations of their characters. While five of the main seven were the same, most of the ensemble had changed which gave the show an entire new feel and along with the changes made, it felt like watching the show for the first time all over again. I only really noted things that had changed and about the new cast members so there’s not much about the remaining cast members even though there were some little tweaks.

Dominic Short as Albus Potter

Dominic’s Albus came across very anxious and insecure, very unsure of himself. He was absolutely exasperated with James. When he got onto the train he very much relied on Rose to lead the way, he had no idea how to approach this new situation and was perfectly happy to follow her lead. The moment that he decided to stay in Scorpius’ carriage was the first time that he was sure of himself, confident in his decision.

He is expressive and excitable when he’s around Scorpius. He uses a lot of hand gestures. He thrives when he’s got a plan. He gets so excited! On the train, he has such a thirst to prove himself and it gave me big Slytherin vibes. After the argument in the library, when detailing his lake task idea, after he said “sparkly surprise” he acted out exploding fireworks. In Godric’s Hollow, you see the pieces fall into place as he watches Lily leave and he is so excited when Scorpius finally understands him. In the Slytherin dormitory, he is so interested to hear everything that happened with Rose. It was just a really nice friendship, that felt very much like two real teenage boys.

He is mostly just anxious and uncomfortable around Harry, not really knowing how to speak to him. It is the scene before the third year Hogwarts when his anger first comes out. When he says he knows he’ll hate Hogsmeade because it will be full of Hogwarts students, he delivers this angrily, glaring at the permission form and crumpling it in his fist as if it’s one of the students he hates so much. The anger reappears in the blanket scene. It starts off with him sat uncomfortably, leaning away from Harry. Not outright aggressive yet but wanting to be pretty much anywhere else. Even before he holds the blanket, he is done with the conversation. During the argument, once his anger comes out, he picks up the blanket and Jamie reaches out wanting to take it back, clearly afraid that he’s going to do something to it in anger.

His friendship with Scorpius is really lovely and has the potential to become more. The hugs that he initiates are very tight squeezes, Albus really just needs his friend in those moments. In their final staircase scene, when Scorpius hugs him, the “What’s this?” is really pleasantly surprised. When Scorpius said about the new version of them he had in his head, they stand, eyes locked and go to hug again but it becomes awkward so Albus blurts out about asking Rose and the moment passes.

Staircase ballet was also extremely heartbreaking. Dom does this thing when Albus is preparing to respond – he sort of fidgets on the spot as if he wants to step forward and opens his mouth as if to say something – and he did a version of this on the stairs too. When they met at the top of the staircase, he was so anxious and unsure about what to do, he just completely froze. When they were on the separate staircases facing each other at the end, Albus was staring into Scorpius’ eyes so sadly. As the stairs stared to roll off, he stepped down onto the next stair and looked like he wanted to say something. There was such desperation and sadness in him in that moment.

He has a lot of feelings that he doesn’t quite know what to do with. He’s so insecure and used to teasing that when he is complimented, he doesn’t know how to react.  He ends up panicking and making jokes as his defence mechanism. Examples of this were:

-        When Scorpius says he’d choose him as a companion for the return of eternal darkness, Albus just does not know how to react to that properly. He panics and blurts out the “no offence” line because he can’t bring himself to think about it more deeply and believe it to be true.

-        When Harry tells him he’s becoming quite some wizard, it’s kind of a huge moment. This is a genuine compliment from his dad, something he’s wanted for a long time and he just doesn’t know how to react now it’s finally happened so turns to joking about pigeon racing.

There was a lot of other things I took from his graveyard scene. When Harry says his childhood was a constant struggle and Albus replies “so was mine”, it’s a joke. The first time he is jokey around Harry. Humour had been so natural with Scorpius but never with Harry until that moment. He’s still not as open or as comfortable as he is with his mum or Scorpius but he’s much more receptive. He’s actually really happy at the possibility that Harry thinks that he’s like him, that maybe he does live up to his expectations after all.

The way he talks about his Slytherin side is a nice moment, he’s finally opening up to Harry about something, letting himself be vulnerable around him. You can tell by the way he said it that ever since he was sorted into Slytherin, he has been fixated on the idea that the Sorting Hat must have seen something ‘bad’ in him. He’s spent all this time examining himself, putting himself down, looking for the things about him that’s bad enough to warrant him being in Slytherin and convinced that Harry is disappointed that he is.

The embrace at the end was very sweet, for me it embodied the stage direction of the two of them ‘melting together’.

I was a big fan of Joe’s emotionally closed off Albus, he reminded me of a younger me. Dom’s Albus reminded me of me now. I am loving seeing these interpretations of Albus that are teaching me about myself as I learn about them. I really enjoyed getting to meet Dom’s Albus and took so much from his performance even after seeing it only once. I’m so excited to see him again and see what else he can teach me over the coming year.

Jonathan Case as Scorpius Malfoy

He changed up the Slytherin dormitory scene. He would previously lie at the end of Albus’ bed and pop up shouting his name. This time he crouched right near Albus’ head the whole time and shouted there. I really liked that change. He was very excitable about being back with Albus, he even did a little dance to celebrate being Scorpius the Dreadless.

Michelle Gayle as Hermione Granger

I really liked her with Tom – Ron and Hermione didn’t even need to speak a lot of the time, they communicated through expressions and gestures. The marriage renewal scene was lovely. She went all giggly and girlish while usually she was very calm and collected.

Her polyjuiced Delphi was spot on – she mimicked Madeleine’s body language and gestures perfectly. While she was watching Albus and Scorpius transform, she had the biggest excited grin on her face. Inside Hermione’s office, she sat down at the desk, every bit Madeleine’s sweet, goofy Delphi pretending to be the minister. Even her walk changed – she swaggered around and looked like Delphi was having the time of her life.

I really enjoyed her Act 2 AU Hermione – the DADA teacher. It was almost like she was one of the kids, bullying Albus along with them. Whenever she joked at his expense, the rest of the class were laughing and exchanging gleeful looks. It was just another way to make Albus feel truly alone in this world. He can’t speak to Harry, he’s being kept away from Scorpius and his Uncle and Aunt that he might otherwise have gone to are unrecognisable.

She stays angry for most of the class, her voice doesn’t crack. It’s only when she jinxes them all out of their seats that she suddenly looks so much younger, vulnerable and sad. She walks off just shaking her head. During the staircase scene, when Ron says he doesn’t mean ‘mine, as in…’ she snaps “I know” quite harshly, cutting him off to stop him from hurting her any further.

In the dark AU, Granger is very slow to trust. It takes a long time for her to lower her wand from Scorpius. It was her that indicated to Ron that his wand was the wrong way, rather than Scorpius. When she finds out she’s Minister for Magic in another world she is surprised but when Ron indignantly says, “She’s Minister for Magic?!” she shrugs as if to say “yes, of course I am”.

One of the things I really enjoyed about her Hermione was that she is absolutely in her element when she’s forming a plan. This is applies to the time turning plan in the dark AU and the plan to use St. Jerome’s in Godric’s Hollow. When she’s planning, she gets a spring in her step and smiles a lot more, you can tell that she loves having a strategy, something to work on and get her teeth into.

Rayxia Ojo as Rose Granger-Weasley

Rayxia’s Rose is a boss. 11 years old and already so sure of who she is, a natural leader. She has a bossy, confident walk and is fondly exasperated by Ron, quite similarly to how Hermione reacts to him. There was slight aggression in her tone when she said “That’s putting it mildly. Your mum and dad are Death Eaters”, I definitely got the impression that she’s heard a lot about Draco Malfoy from her family. Rose is so done when Albus doesn’t know the rumour about Scorpius being the child of Voldemort, has he been living under a rock? She blurted out the Voldemort rumour then had a moment of realisation that that was probably insensitive and span round to try to explain herself. During the next Hogwarts Express scene, she is so excited about the time turner. Proper nerdish excitement, you can definitely tell she’s Hermione’s daughter. She actually seemed quite hurt when Scorpius asked her what did she smell of. After she leaves and goes to sit with James, you see they have a much more natural relationship. They hit each other playfully and tease each other and it’s nice to see. When they are eavesdropping on the staircase when Albus and Scorpius are in McGonagall’s office, she looked so excited to hear the gossip, she thinks the whole thing is quite funny. Until she hears her name, realises they’re talking about a timeline in which she didn’t exist. After that she seems very conflicted and confused. It must be such a shocking thing to hear. I was glad that James and Karl were there to be supportive! James put his hand on her shoulder and Karl turned to put his on her knee. Her Scorpion King line was flirty but then she immediately broke into laughter because she couldn’t even pretend to keep up that act.

Emma-May Uden as Polly Chapman

I loved her. She was the ultimate mean girl; her resting bitch face was on point. Her delivery was so sassy. I especially loved her dark AU scene. She was girlish and flirty while talking about torture and killing. In general, she gave me proper Queen Bee vibes; Polly, Yann, Karl and Craig really did seem like a real group of friends with Polly as their natural leader, but she also spent a lot of time pursuing Yann. Just before the Scorbus staircase scene, Yann and Polly cross the stage and Emma-May and Luke did this hand in hand, Yann had clearly stopped playing hard to get at this point. Also, while I sort of missed the blonde bob, her new wig is gorgeous. Emma-May is every bit the notorious beauty.

Ronnie Lee as Craig Bowker Jr

In the Act 3 dormitory scene, his Craig was confident and in charge. He knew the rules and he was going to enforce them. This boy knows what he’s about. When Professor McGonagall says “Craig, we’ve work to do” he tightened his dressing gown belt with such resolve, ready for action. His death was quite dramatic, he flinched with the force of the spell hitting him which made me flinch too! Then again, being in the restricted view seats, I am quite used to not being able to see his death.

Kathryn Meisle

She did a lot with Petunia that I absolutely loved. In the lighthouse dream, when Hagrid mentioned Hogwarts, she moaned. As the scene continued, she was poised to cover Dudley’s ears. She was so conflicted about Dudley hearing about Hogwarts, it clearly brought back a lot of memories for her. Her Petunia was very emotional whenever she remembered Lily, something I really appreciated when I saw Kate Russell-Smith as Petunia, but it felt like Kathryn took it even further. During the under the stairs dream sequence, when she said that Lily didn’t even have time to scream, her voice cracked. During the Godric’s Hollow graveyard scene, she first looked at the grave when Harry asked why there were so many flowers. She let out a little shocked “oh” and sounded so heartbroken to be seeing her sister’s grave, covered in flowers from so many people. At the end of the day, Lily was her sister and I felt she showed so much sadness and regret and that is something that I love to see in a Petunia.

I also really enjoyed her Umbridge – whenever I reread Order of the Phoenix I end up doing impressions of her saying “hem hem” to draw attention and she did that perfectly! She definitely looked the part of Umbridge. She was brilliant at that false sweetness while really, she is dripping with threat and danger at every moment. When she said Scorpius had been checked for hexes and curses, she looked Scorpius up and down very deliberately. It was very tense, like you were on edge waiting to see what she was going to do. After the dementors take Ron and Hermione and Umbridge finds Snape and Scorpius in the grounds her “hem hem” was so sudden that she actually made me jump.

I reach Scorpius levels of geekiness when Bathilda appears, so I was very excited to see Kathryn do this, even though it’s just one tiny moment. Kathryn as Bathilda was unreasonably cute. She did a sort of whoop of excitement and trotted off stage and it was extremely sweet.

Blythe Duff

Really liked her Trolley Witch, she did a cute little waddle through the train. On top of the train, I loved the way she made use of the spikes. She did a lot of hand gestures and advanced closer to Scorpius and Albus than I’ve seen any Trolley Witch do before. After they jumped from the train, her screams of anger were so extra. She screamed “No! Nooo! Noooooo!” and kept one hand free and grabbing the air the entire time the train was rolling off stage.

I’ve been trying really hard to work out how to explain how I felt about Blythe’s McGonagall. To me, she just encapsulated the spirit of McGonagall. She was sensitive and kind but stern and full of authority. It really did feel like Professor McGonagall had stepped off the pages of the books and straight onto the stage. Her sadness when Harry threw it back in her face about not having children made me want to fight Harry. In the library scene, she is very pleased to have found that little loophole about not being able to see them. This way she doesn’t have to separate two friends, but Harry also can’t blame her, such a result. One cute little moment was that when Ron enters from the kitchens with his napkin, he doesn’t pull it off. As the scene ends, McGonagall is the one to rip it off in exasperation.

Lucy Mangan as Moaning Myrtle

April had left big shoes to fill and Lucy was completely different. She only had to say her first line and I was saying “I love her!” Her Myrtle was very flirty and excited to have boys in her bathroom. She gets quite aggressive when Scorpius called her Moaning Myrtle, she is clearly very fed up of that nickname. She was dramatic to a level that I can only aspire to. Her look at Albus on the “and boys” was very pointed. When she was talking about the weeping after Cedric was taken, she did two separate wails while the taps ran. Then Albus tried to continue speaking and she held out her hand to stop him before doing a third wail.

The way she placed her leg in front of Scorpius was very funny, she got right up in his face. When she went back down into the pipe she giggled and did an excited little wiggle. She was really enjoying getting so many visitors that day. She said “Hello Harry” in a flirtatious, husky voice. Each time she tries to flirt with Harry and fails, she would sigh in annoyance.

From the restricted view seat that I was in, I couldn’t really see her during Lily’s appearances so will have to keep an eye out for those bits next time I see the show.

Madeleine Walker as Delphi

Madeleine’s Delphi is sweet and awkward. She popped round the stairs saying “helloooo!” and she wins you over straight away. She is so enthusiastic and excitable about everything. When she leaves Albus to go back to Amos, she curtseys to Albus. During the blanket argument when Albus says “Shall I bow now, or will a curtsey do?” I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d inspired that.

She’s super sweet and endearing and makes awkward noises that reminded me of Jon’s Scorpius. I’ve said before that if I were to play Delphi, I would try to take on some of the characteristics of Scorpius to win Albus’ trust. I felt like this might have been something that Madeleine was trying to portray too as many of her little gestures and excited or awkward noises really did remind me of Scorpius. I need to remember to ask her at stage door if I see her again whether this was what she was going for – just someone that Albus would trust in general or whether she was mimicking Scorpius specifically. I will also be interested if she changes it up when there’s a cover Scorpius on.

During the expelliarmus scene, she is so goofy and enthusiastic. She only has eyes for Albus, she doesn’t even look at Scorpius, even when she throws his robes at him. Her reaction being told she couldn’t come it incredulous, the way she says “What?” is quite sad. She insists “he’s MY cousin” pleading not to be left out.

When she finds Scorpius on the staircase she is so excited by Hogwarts, she has such an enthusiasm about everything which is infectious.

When she arrives in the owlery, she still seems so sweet, she’s so understanding about destroying the time turner. When Scorpius tries to interrupt her monologue about Euphemia’s augurey, she thrusts out a hand to shut him up and let her continue, once more her eyes on Albus alone. Scorpius is nothing to her but a tool to manipulate Albus. When Scorpius continues to question her motives, she turns towards Albus and acts like Scorpius is mad, indicating to him as if to say, “what’s with him?”

On the Quidditch Pitch, she’s quite physical, but only really with Scorpius. He’s expendable but she needs Albus. She’s great at the manic laughter, she sounds like a fanatic. She got right up close to Scorpius and even kissed him which honestly was such an intense moment, you kind of felt violated along with him. She was really enjoying herself as she ran at Scorpius, liking to watch him so scared of her and how worried that makes Albus; it makes him all the more likely to do her bidding.

In St. Jerome’s she sounds like she doesn’t want to admit that Voldemort is going to lose the Battle of Hogwarts, she hesitates before finishing the sentence. Is this through slight fear of his reaction or because it pains her to admit her father doesn’t always win? She has great facial expressions throughout the battle – we were only 8 rows back but could clearly see the whites of her eyes and she looked quite unhinged. They’ve added an echoey effect for her voice and she now moves around the stage more. This means that she has to be hooked back up before she flies back up which does draw more attention to her wires, though this might become smoother as they get more used to it.

When Harry can’t kill her, she laughs, finding it funny that he can’t even do that. But she is genuinely desperate when she begs him to take her memory. She would genuinely rather lose her mind that have to live without her father. As she is levitated upwards for Voldemort’s arrival she keeps mouthing “father” and looks as if she is fighting to free herself. She is extremely compelling, and I really enjoyed watching her. I can’t wait to see what else she does with Delphi over the coming year.

I also noted a few of the changes and new dynamics that a new cast has brought. One change is wand dance, though it hasn’t changed as much as I expected. The choreography started the same but sort of broke off and there was more focus on crowding around or teasing Albus. At the end, they all step forward to the front of the stage and cast their spells simultaneously. I really liked the changes and felt that they really highlighted Albus’ feelings of inadequacy and isolation from his peers but kept a lot of the fun choreography. Dom’s robes were flying all over the place.

St Oswald’s was definitely the biggest change. It will for sure take me another few watches to work out exactly what was going on! Didn’t quite know where to look because everything about it had changed. I think it may have changed to be the same as Broadway, but I don’t know for sure as I’ve never seen that production. It involves a biscuit palace, a teacup on fire and Karl on work experience.

Other little changes included: Lily’s line changing to comment on the Granger-Weasley’s always being late, switches between the Yann and Karl tracks (which I think may be to match Broadway?), after the green smoke explodes from the potion, the class all lean forwards and cover their heads with their robes instead of leaning backwards in slow motion, during the under stairs dream sequence, all three of the Voldemort hands reappear at once at the end and young Harry has new trousers which look like he’s wet himself. This seemed slightly unnecessary to me, as did the new ‘wet-look’ wigs for the lake which just made it look like Scorpius’ wig in particular had gone a bit wrong.

One of my favourite scenes to watch is always the first task scene because it’s a chance to watch the entire ensemble interacting with each other and it’s always full of fun little touches and dynamics. This is a scene that can differ a lot each time, so it’s definitely a fun scene for the regulars. In cast 3, it was the Slytherin boy swing track that would fight his way through the crowd to reach Craig Bowker Sr but this year, they’ve switched. So, it was Ronnie crawling his way through the crowd. He burst out triumphantly between the Hufflepuffs first and they shoved him back into the crowd and he finally found his way over to the Slytherin boy. They fist bumped and then through the whole scene were basically all over each other which was funny to watch. Lola in the Hufflepuff girl swing track started tearing up and fanning her face when Cedric was announced, and I loved that because honestly, same. I’m a big Cedric fan. It’s now the Ravenclaw girl in Myrtle’s track that swoons, rather than a teacher. All in all, this scene was very fun already but has potential to be even more fun as this cast get more used to it and find new little things to try out.

I left the show with a huge smile on my face and very much looking forward to the year ahead. I am sorry that this isn’t formulated in the most logical way, I did want to go through in chronological order but when I was putting it together, it made more sense to me to do it by character and group scenes that gave me the same thoughts and feelings relating to each actor’s interpretations. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. If anyone wants clarification on any specific points, please do let me know!

And of course, this is all only based on one show, in their very first week. I’m sure there’s a lot more that I haven’t noticed yet and I’m really looking forward to seeing them more, so I can find new things about their interpretations and watch them grow over the next year. This is my first cast change with this show and I’m feeling very optimistic and excited for a new year which is a great feeling. Honestly, I’m just so happy that I still feel as in love with this show as ever and I can’t wait to keep seeing it for as long as it still makes me feel like that!

[theministerskat]

Kat’s Thoughts on “Down The Rabbit Hole”

Roger Rating: 🧔🏻🧔🏻🧔🏻🧔🏻/5

Badass Bree: 👩🏻‍🦰👩🏻‍🦰👩🏻‍🦰/5

After watching this episode several times, I finally feel like I have my thoughts in order to share them with you all.

I’ll start off by saying I was very excited going into episode 7, mainly for the fact that it was apparent we would be getting much of Roger and Bree’s story. I squealed with delight watching it the first time at midnight on Sunday. However, once I finished the episode I was left with very mixed feelings.

I’ll break it down bit by bit under the cut . . .

Bree Goes Munro Bagging

Seeing the Scottish Highlands on screen again was absolutely wonderful. I loved watching Bree navigate these hills where we know Jamie and Claire were during their early time together. I understand the need for Bree’s sprained ankle - to slow her down a bit in the vicinity of Lallybroch - and the parallel to Claire rolling down a hill herself after coming through the stones is perfection. However, I could have used about five minutes less of her wandering on the road alone.*

Bree at Balriggan . . . and Laoghaire

The show really surprised me with this divergence from the book. I think I understand what they were trying to do here - show Laoghaire as a caring mother who is a multifaceted character with some redeeming qualities - but it honestly didn’t work for me. I’m usually one to try to be empathetic and dissect every aspect of a character to understand what motivates him or her, but I don’t think the writers have given me enough, or any, recompense for Laoghaire’s actions in the show. (The book is a different story in my opinion because I have accepted @betweensceneswriter’s Second Wife as canon and I can empathize with that Laoghaire.)

Of course, Laoghaire turns on Bree the moment she realizes she is Claire’s daughter. She successfully plants a seed of doubt in Bree’s mind about Jamie and shows us just how vengeful she can still be. In the books, there really isn’t a worry in Bree’s mind about Jamie accepting her, and I don’t think this addition is necessary. There is enough tension surrounding their eventual meeting that this additional element seems like the writers piling on just a little too much.

I can appreciate the parallel the show has drawn between Bree and Joanie and the sweet moments between the two of them. They are both daughters who have witnessed their parents’ marriages crumble, and Bree setting an example for Joanie is wonderful. My heart swelled when Bree acknowledged Roger with her “good men” comment and I love that “San Francisco” is now canon as Claire’s favorite song. 

But overall I don’t believe the length of time spent on this plot line was worth it. There are many other things that I think could have been included from the book that would have really set Bree’s storyline moving forward.*

Bree at Lallybroch and Ian

I will forever lament the fact that Laura was unavailable to film for this episode.

That being said, I think the moments we did get with Bree and Ian at Lallybroch and on the docks were very touching. I love Cree’s portrayal of Ian and his small facial expressions when looking at Bree, his best friend’s daughter, are everything.

I do wish the writers would have included a bit more from the book here, especially Ian comforting Bree about Jamie and Claire’s relationship and just how much love is shared between them. An addition of that sort would have evened out the horrible things Laoghaire said to her.

Bree and Frank

I really liked that they incorporated Bree’s memories of Frank into this episode. Frank is the only father Brianna has known her entire life, and as she embarks on this journey to find Claire and Jamie it is obvious she would be thinking of him. 

In the books, we get several moments where Bree talks to Roger about her reservations about looking for Jamie and Claire in the past because of Frank, so this was a good replacement for that.

The one qualm I had was Frank specifically finding the death notice. I think this unnecessarily makes him even more of a villain. I would have been happy if he would have found the same information Roger did - the land grant and a letter naming Claire.

Bree seeing Frank on the dock as she’s about to leave Scotland had me close to tears. Even though he’s a figment of Bree’s imagination, him sending her off and ultimately giving her his blessing worked amazingly well for me.

Roger Does Exactly What Bree Asked Him Not To Do

I really have no complaints or things I would like to have seen done differently for the Roger parts of the episode. I loved his farewell to Fiona plain and simple.

The events on the Gloriana are very much from the book, and it was really hard for me to watch as Bonnet pushed the girl overboard. We also get Morag and Jemmy, which sets the course for Roger and his future plot lines as someone who cares for others no matter the risks for him.

I do wish they would have snuck in Roger making the call of tails for his own life after Bonnet discovers Morag, but that’s an itty bitty detail.

Some quick favorite things of mine from this episode:

Bree’s very apparent curly hair and Roger’s wee ponytail!

Bree has Ellen’s eyes and she’s finally wearing the fur coat!

Sophie and Richard both knocked this episode out of the park! They have completely become Bree and Roger for me and I am so happy about it.

*What I would have changed up or added . . .

I would have had . . . wait for it . . . Mary McNab find Bree cold and injured in the woods instead of Laoghaire. She could have brought Bree back to her own cottage and nursed her back to health. Then Ian could have come asking for Mary to come to the house because Jenny had to leave. Revealing who Bree is could have worked well here. Then Laoghaire could have come to Lallybroch and demanded the money and that confrontation could have followed the book rather closely. Ian would be able to tell Brianna all the great things about Jamie and Claire in their way to the harbor and all would be well.

I also would have thrown in flashbacks to Bree finding the death notice herself, preparing to go through the stones, and a discussion with Gayle vocalizing her feelings for Roger. Since episode 4, I have thoughts we’d get these moments, but here we are going into episode 8 and we’ve gotten nothing. Time to write some fanfiction of these moments give this wish up.

In conclusion, I can’t say I really loved or really hated the episode, but it’ll be included among the episodes I rewatch regularly for the mere fact that it’s completely Roger and Bree.

As always, I would love to hear input from all of you. Am I completely off base? Do you agree? Did I misinterpret something? My only request is that you be respectful of myself and others.

[densiland]

A Line in the Sand (9x23) and Ninguna Salida (9x24) - DensiLand: Analysis of all things Deeks & Kensi

A Line in the Sand (9x23) and Ninguna Salida (9x24) – The one(s)... where everything is broken

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, a DensiLand Analysis returns!  (And thanks as always to ncislosangelesfan.com for all the screencaps!)

Even I can’t believe it’s been 4.5 seasons(!) since I wrote & posted one of these. It’s a testament to 1) how burnout I was from the incredibly long “The Frozen Lake” (5x10) effort and 2) how life can change. 

Before we jump into the episode, I want to express my gratitude to the entire cast, crew, etc. for creating these incredible episodes, episodes that have been sorely missed in regard to their quality, entertainment, storytelling, conflict, action, and so much more. It made me remember everything I loved about this show and characters.

So why these episodes & this post now? This all stems from our incredible @wikideeks team and our reviewer Karen. I was so excited to share my comments on these episodes on her review post. I found I couldn’t stop writing! It grew far beyond what was appropriate for a simply “comment” and I immediately felt that pull to write this post - almost exactly the same feeling that drove me to start this blog in the first place! Just know it’s not as chronological and detailed as my previous posts grew to be, as they had gotten out of control. (Plus, I wanted the most important stuff IMHO at the end!)

Preparing for the episodes - In seeing who was writing & directing these, I was excited! Then I thought, "Oh no, Military! What is he going to do to them this time?!" Like others said, where has THIS pair of episodes been all season?! THIS is the quality you get from people who have "institutional memory", who have been there from the start and can pull from the mountain of backstory. What an epic reminder of what this show has been and still can be. The rest of this I'll break into categories & characters.

HANDICAMS - Like someone else said, it was too erratic this time. Were they different cameras or the operators running? It was too jarring. Callen's pursuit with no music, which I'm sure was a purposeful choice, didn't just feel like NOT their show, but also not a professional network show at all. Weird.

(Simply because this photo should be posted.)

2 HOURS! - It was a glorious NCISLA movie that so many of us have longed for! Definitely worth it. Quality from top to bottom! 

MOSELEY -  Let’s just get this out of the way, as I don't want to spend much time on her. Initially, I expected they were pulling a "Granger" - hate him at first and then grow to love him. Nope. Not even an inkling. This character &/or actress (???) were consistently abhorrent. (It probably even made some of us apologize for the times we were angry with Hetty.) Not only does Moseley (thus Ms. Long) need to go based on all of this character's out of line words and actions, but I also hope it's done in a spectacular way. No slinking out silently to raise her kid. No, this is deserving of a public shaming from the entire team and epic firing by Hetty (in her most bad-ass fashion)! Deeks and the rest of the team deserve to be avenged. (Can you tell I’ve gotten pulled into the Marvel Universe since my last post?)

HIDOKO - As to not be forgotten, even though we didn’t “see” her Hidoko deserves mention. Good actress, interesting character. But it really depends on what TPTB might have in store for her if I’m invested in having her back. She's probably alive, but either way I'm ok. (But if she's dead did it have to be in such a graphic way?!)

ISSUE OF CHARACTER - I loved the continued thread of "character", as like Karen, I immediately had a flashback to Deeks & Sam's conversation over the chess game on the stakeout. Seriously, how do you question Callen's character? (Even Callen wonders this...)

SAM - They kept making such an issue of his continuous bleeding and I don't think it was just due to his slowing down/not keeping up with this case. It feels like there will be something more with this. It's no surprise he wanted to go after the kid, based on his own, and I like how he acknowledged the entire team was in this together. I'm curious why Moseley didn't snap at him the way she did Deeks.

FIRED - Yeh, that happened. (See the Surf Log over at wikiDeeks - tough to keep so short, thus this here!) I think we’ve all been waiting for a season or so for this too happen. Whether it was from Granger losing patience, LAPD pulling another stunt, or who knows what else, this had been foreshadowed for quite awhile However, the reason for this was outrageous, as there was no real basis other than Moseley pitching a hissy fit. (Reign it in Gayle!) Yet, like Deeks I was still utterly shocked. 

For a moment. For some reason knowing Hetty was still there gave me confidence and peace that the decision would be reversed. Eventually. (And yes, a rascal indeed!)

Also, I don’t get why no one else on the team defended Deeks. That was disappointing. This was a very different reaction than when Callen turned in his badge. 

Can we also appreciate this Tyra Banks-like “Smeyes” (pronounced Smize) from Deeks/ECO? Knowing he can testify against her (& with Kensi as a witness) is all we need as faith that he’ll be back. 

BROKEN TEAM/PLANE SCENE - Skipping ahead, (don’t worry I’ll come back to “The Garage”) I actually loved the plane scene, of seeing them all at odds with each other as 1) it's something that rarely happens, especially at the same time and 2) creates the intrigue of how they come back together. 

(Thoughts about Silent Kensi are ahead!)

(Who else shouted & did a fist pump when they saw Deeks emerging from the car? What? Oh that was just me? I bet if you’re reading this you did too!)

Yet, based on what had happened, sadly there was no way this was a happy reunion. If anything, it just ramped up. The tension in that fuselage was combustible! 

Call me a “raging optimist” (like my BFF does about me with my honors students, even though that’s the opposite from my natural default), as it applies here. Even when I see it with my own eyes faith springs eternal when considering Densi. They’ve invested too much for too long for it to be otherwise.

This single utterance, “I’m still your partner. At least one last time.” Ouch! A punch right in the feels! The bittersweetness of this possibly being their last mission together.... NO. Absolutely not. I am not having it! So let’s unpackage this:

His words might initially just sound like carrying out his responsibility (even though he’s technically fired) of being Kensi’s partner, of “having her back”. It’s so much more. I know you Deeks; I’ve got your number! It’s simply be a pained cover for his unwillingness to leave Kensi.

He used the word “partner”. We all know how much that term actually carries, and it’s far beyond their work pairing, even if that was the jab he was taking. The other word holding a lot of weight here is “last”. Is this Deeks drawing a line in the sand (stay with me) specifically to get Kensi to see how serious he is and to force her to consider “their” finality? If so, this is a risky move in knowing how Kensi can’t be forced into anything. 

Speaking of...

THE GARAGE SCENE

DENSI - That scene. Those actors. This is the brilliance that brought me (& probably you!) to them. I know so many people are just longing for the "happily ever after". In the long run yes. Yet if you know anything about me (from this blog), I'm a fan of the long-run, the journey, of overcoming obstacles. I've become accustomed to having the minority viewpoint on this. 

Some comment they thought Densi was already past this topic. While yes, it's been a regular subject, I don't recall (like Deeks) there being any firm conclusion. Perhaps people aligned the engagement with agreement regarding kids and “getting out”, when that's clearly not the case. What they showed us were each of them being at absolute odds/opposite ends of a spectrum with each other. When in order for them to be together is a compromised (not like Kensi referred) negotiated middle ground. A happy medium if you will. I understand having kids does tend to be an absolute; however, the when, where, how, etc. are fluid. 

DEEKS - Dear Lord, when Deeks uttered, "I don't think we should be getting married." - the tormented look on ECO's face CRUSHED me. (BRILLIANT & BRAVO!) Deeks has only recently made firm moves & plans to get out. (Kensi has never been one to make personal choices quickly.) The events earlier in this case and season have seemed to only escalate this. To me, it feels like anxiety & fear are pushing Deeks to get them out "before it's too late". (Although the “knocked up” comment was wrong in so many ways.) 

He’s now become desperate & pleeding. ECO gives us a Deeks who is coming undone, even beyond his post-torture recovery - & it’s beautifully vulnerable. 

This may feel smothering to Kensi who isn't YET there. (He's always been ahead of her with their 'ship.) As always he was willing to work through it before he’s pulled away. Still, he gives us hope: HE GETS TO THE PLANE. He gets to her. 

KENSI - Yes, I left her for last, because again if you know anything about me, Kensi's my girl, a character I can relate to in too many ways. So here's my defense of Kensi. 

First, it's too easy to project onto her in the garage as she says very little in the middle of the discussion. Silence it tough to interpret accurately without infusing your own beliefs. Second, that silent characteristic is pure Kensi. She withdrew, just as she has so many times before. Here, huge kudos to DR, as she isn’t able to rely on words, but instead must carefully express non-verbally to convey Kensi’s thoughts & feelings. 

Some might be angry that Kensi hasn't "evolved" past this, but in unexpected situations we naturally gravitate back to what we know, what is customary to us. Kensi simply reverted to her natural default. She was struggling to handle everything Deeks was putting on her in that moment and I believe was working to try to get a grasp on the warring thoughts racing through her mind. 

Third, someone else commented that maybe she has for some reason learned she can't have kids. Intriguing, but a stretch in my mind. As if this was true I'd suspect she'd feel driven to tell Deeks. Why? Out of fear he would leave her and she had to know, had to get it over with. I prefer to read this as fear that maybe she won't get pregnant; that this would make her feel like a failure to herself and Deeks. She (&/or he) would feel so ashamed then THAT will make them fall apart. She's trying to get in front of a potential future situation that might not even be reality - at least as far as we factually know at this point.

She's silently screaming, as her very worst fear is coming true: She believes he's leaving her. While Deeks' initial words might lead to that thought, that's not really what he's saying. (And he says that!) He needs (they both do) to work through this topic before they get married. 

Kensi's turning to go back to the job, yelling at him about her job, of who she is, is "just" her reverting back to what is known, solid, and safe - her job. Her job that won't change. Her job that won't betray her. The one thing that's always been there for her to escape to. Something that makes her feel proud, satisfied, and fulfilled. A job that very rarely puts personal, feeling demands on her.

Finally, let's not forget in the field she screams at him, "We stay together." While it might have been in the heat of the mission, those words extend far beyond their professional partnership - just as Deeks’ final lines in the plane. This is the fight in Kensi, the grit of doing whatever is necessary, even if it's painful to get to resolution. (Think of how much time & effort she put into tracking down her father's killer.) And just as Deeks got to her in the plane, she didn’t get on the chopper; she stayed with Deeks.

Yes, she’s angry. But is she really angry at Deeks? Maybe on the surface. But it’s just as likely she’s frustrated with herself of not being able to find a way to get out/to see beyond this job, of not having worked this out solidly with Deeks before this point, of having walked away from him earlier. We know an angry, fighting Kensi isn’t going to let anything get in her way; the struggle is perhaps her biggest obstacle is herself. Yet she’s able to break out, even if it’s verbal lashing demanding that she & Deeks stay together on the ground. This shows us she's not willing to really walk away or lose Deeks. 

For all the times their ‘ship has “appeared” more one-sided, of Deeks being the one chasing after Kensi, here we get the opposite. (We’ve seen it before, but more quietly & casually, like when she was trying to see him after the torture, when he was in jail, even when he’d been shot & in the hospital.) Her single line is all the hope I needed. (Hope from Kensi Blye, who woulda thunk?!)

ONE LINGERING ASPECT - There's one thing I am struggling to come to terms with. Kensi has seen Deeks having been tortured, of temporarily walking away from the job once. We know he somewhat came back to NCIS because of her, but did she think it would be that simple? That all of these near-misses would have no impact on him? (Remember Nate said the trauma is physically & psychologically cumulative.) That he's made of the same steel that she is? That he would simply bounce back (again)? She lives like she's bulletproof even though she's already been proved otherwise (coma). If it could happen to her, wouldn't the same hold true for Deeks? Does this not also scare her? 

Seems strange, especially for a daughter who lost her own father at a pretty early age. How has she not considered that for her own future and that of a potential child/children? As someone who experienced this loss myself, I personally would work to avoid that at all costs. 

CLIFFHANGER - I actually like this, not knowing what's going to happen. Of course that's maybe because this show has trained me to expect a positive outcome (eventually). There are so many potential permutations and combinations of outcomes to consider and keep us invested over the summer - something that's been sorely lacking the past couple of years. So I say, "BRAVO!" 

Finally, as fate would have it, today my daily lunchtime Dove Dark Chocolate wrapper contained, "Keep them guessing." As Deeks would reply, "Done."

-------------------------------- P.S. As for all the swirling rumors of ECO leaving fully or partially, until he says, who truly knows. While I personally subscribe to an “all in or all out” mentality, the man has to live his life. Yes, he has a family to support (which is easier with a full-time gig), but it also has to be a life well-lived. We all have dreams and aspirations, work to avoid stress and boredom - celebrities included. For him to go into a recurring role, would be disappointing and lessen both the show and Densi. I would never be happy for us to lose Deeks. (The only support I’ll put here is for DR & Kensi; she was here before Deeks and is a complex and compelling independent character in her own right. She doesn’t need Deeks or any other man to be a significant individual character.) ECO & Deeks leaving completely would be devastating, something I personally refuse to consider.