#again i LIKE who i'm refering too. the situation has just been frustrating

[cleradinel]

maybe bylers can be forgiven for the overall sentiment (far from being everyone’s though) of indifference or dislike towards steve/eddie/steddie when everyone and their mother started pretending eddie spent the whole season gay pinning in gay despair when will byers is right there and steddie was the talk of the town when the byler storyline has been happening for 4 whole seasons and steve was put at the very top of the gay ally pedestal when jon has been the most supportive brother since the beggining. maybe, just maybe it was okay for will byers lovers & byler lovers to be a little pissed. everyone and their mother is a dramatic way of me saying, maybe the actual mlm love story in the show being overshadowed by a wildly spread headcanon rubbed us the wrong way and maybe it’s okay to feel like that, even just a tiny bit, or a whole lot.

[doylldonmagar]

So I saw @hermesmyplatonicbeloved 's post and had some thoughts. I agree and disagree. I am a percabeth fan but I also know that some of it is screwy, and if you are familiar with my blog, you know this. I think RR screwed up and wrote out a LOT of trauma, I think he really should have dealt with that better. I think it's not good that he wrote trauma and mental issues and abuse into the foundation of many characters and then has ignored it when it became convenient for the plot.

I would love to see specific quotes and books for these because some of them I have no memory of and would like to revisit them.

I'm gonna talk my way through all of this so I'm gonna text break here

The first point is Percy scaring her to tears. I can only imagine in Tartarus? Like when they're both in their worst state? I don't know. I agree they should have talked about it, but I think they should have talked about all of HoH, which brings me back to saying: Rick really failed at dealing with trauma and processing and long term effects. Honestly, being scared *of* him, yeah I agree that's bad, but is that the situation? If she's scared by his power, then I'm not sure of where I stand on this, I don't know anyone with demigod powers, but I don't think I'd be scared simply because I know someone is capable of hurting me. Plenty of people are capable of hurting me. Like I don't know, what situation is this?

"Percy has been suicidal the whole time annabeth has known him, in BoO Percy attempts suicide and annabeth said nothing, noticed nothing" I'd really like a page or quote because i remember him being suicidal but never attempting. (Im rereading what i wrote, is this maybe referring to percy deciding it would be better if he drowned when hes with Jason? If so, I thought the book said annabeth wasn't told that he wanted to give up) But really my bigger issue with this statement is the fact that it's not necessarily a bad relationship just because a person doesn't realize someone is suicidal, or if their suicidal thoughts are fluctuating. If he's been suicidal the entire time she's known him, how should she know? And why is it the girlfriend's job to stop him from suicide? Like yeah she should care, but that's not her responsibility. No one should feel responsible for a significant other's suicide unless they encouraged the SO to do it.

The judo flip, I agree, annabeth should have been more sensitive to Percy's past and again, I blame Rick for conveniently forgetting that an abused kid is not going to laugh or even take well to being thrown on the ground. This also reminds me of a post I made a while back, because I was so frustrated by media portrayals of women getting upset (usually worried) about another character and shaking them or hitting them or using some form of violence, and that's portrayed as acceptable and normal and as a sign of love. I'm not a fan of that.

"Annabeth likes to keep percy on his toes" this point, I want specific quotes, cause I'd like to go over it again. I agree this is funky. Percy says he feels more comfortable with annabeth and feels like he can talk to her blah blah, but yeah, I think I remember him saying she makes him anxious and that's a problem for me. Like genuinely, to anyone who reads this: if your SO makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, or unsafe, please reevaluate your relationship and be safe. That's not good. And back to percabeth, I'm really not sure why RR would say that.

Bringing up abusive stepfather. If annabeth didn't already know about Gabe...I don't know, that says to me that percy was too traumatized to talk about it, in which case, why can annabeth see it in his actions, his comments, his reactions? I don't know that either. But I do know that having met my fair share of traumatized kids, it's not at all uncommon for them to share trauma as a joke and for multiple kids to laugh it off, not to mention suicidal jokes or jokes about their own abuse. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying that's healthy, I think that's bad, but I also think it's common. And if annabeth doesn't realize what he's really talking about, or is caught up in her own experience, or is uncomfortable, laughing is not an uncommon response. And I don't think that makes their relationship toxic. (And I'm saying it again: I think Rick wrote that so that people could say oh poor percy and feel strongly about how horrible the situation is, but he didn't want to get into the trauma, so by annabeth laughing it off, he can move on with the scene but include little details that show how bad tartarus is)

I don't remember any comments about poseiden, but I agree her interactions with Tyson are problematic. I have zero explanation or excuse, I really don't know what rick was thinking with that, unless it was maybe a way to signify how all halfbloods feel about monsters? (Now that I've said that, that kinda makes sense, if percy sees a monster who was his human friend, but everyone else just sees a monster who is just like the other monsters who have killed their siblings. But still. Annabeth saying he was gross was uncalled for, Rick could have said she was scared or concerned this was a trick or something, but disgust?)

I agree about Percy's unresolved trauma manifesting as fear of annabeth. I already commented on the judo flip, see comments above.

Percy absolutely has horrible self asteem. I'm not sure that's annabeths problem. Yeah she should support him in every way she can, but it's not her responsibility or anyone else's to make him feel better about himself. She should want to, and she should be positive and encouraging, but I don't think Percy's lack of growth is her problem or necessarily a sign of a toxic relationship. It can be, but I'm not certain it is in this case. I think, as I'm sure you know if you've read this much, Rick doesn't know how to write characters who are further along in their trauma- processing, healing, discussing- rick fails to deal with anything besides a currently traumatized kid and a unresolved but out of the directly abusive situation. (This is where I'd like to note, the whole seaweed brain thing, not funny to me, not cute. I'm not a fan because I do think that encourages negative self image. I am aware that that could be link to annabeths childhood, but again, I would expect her to be hyperaware of this sort of emotional abuse. And I blame Rick. Why does she never have her actual abuse mentioned?)

I don't recall annabeth pushing percy to choose between them. I would have said she had doubts about him still wanting to go to CA and he said that he regretted not being there for Estelle but didn't want to be without annabeth (which is kinda cute, kinda codependent to me, and I agree, codependency is not cute)

I would argue the last point "Percy has no interest in going to New Rome or University" is clearly false. In SoN (2nd book of HOO) Percy discovers there are full families living in New Rome, and how it's safe there, and he says multiple times that he wants that, how he remembers he had a girlfriend named annabeth and he wants her to be there and wants to be able to settle down *there*. And in ChaliceotG he's torn, because he does want to stay in New York for his mom and sister, but he really wants to be with annabeth and he loves new Rome. He says multiple times how he wants to go to New Rome. Its true, if the only reason he wants to go is for annabeth, that's a bit funky. But new Rome is the safest place for demigods, and he's been in wars for years, of course he wants that. And wanting to be out of school- okay? New Rome isn't just about the university, not to mention the New Rome university is focused on kids with dyslexia and adhd, obviously. So it will be tailored to him, his struggles are understood, accepted, and aided. Who wouldn't see the appeal in that?

And finally, I agree, that if a character or couple is going to have broad reach, they should be healthy. That's a problem i have with Colleen hoover and all her toxic relationships that have a large audience and are so loved by that audience. And back to this, I hate that the pjo hoo couples are so focused on in the books because fans always pay attention to the couples, but the focus amplifies them, and I think having a relationship be the main focus of a kids/teen/ya book sets up horrible mindsets, and idolizes relationships and all in all is not good for kids. Percabeth or not, healthy or not, I don't think the emphasis on relationships is good.

I might link some of my other posts that I mentioned or that address similar issues in the reblogs

[little-pondhead]

The Folly of Men -

Chapter 3: #228B22

AO3 - MASTERPOST

[GENERAL TW: Swearing, lukewarm violence, lots of POV changes, and mild body horror.]

-

Damian was still being watched. The summer storm had well and passed, but the eyes he felt on the back of his neck were persistent, following him no matter where he went. He drove himself mad, tearing his room and the rest of Wayne Manor apart for bugs, asked Oracle to scan the city while he patrolled, and even pulled in a favor with some magic users to ensure he wasn't being haunted. Nothing! It was concerning his family, but Damian didn't care. He kept himself surrounded by others at all times whenever he left the house. Something was out there, ready for him to be truly alone. He didn't want to give them the opportunity.

The day came when he was assigned to patrol with Orphan since Batman was with the League but was separated due to the Riddler's schemes. They had solved the riddle already, thankfully, but Damian was intercepted while on his way to their meet-up point.

Pru, a former League assassin, caught his attention from one of Gotham's rooftops, and he swung down to meet her.

“Assassin,” was his only greeting. Damian was not a fool. No matter what had happened between Pru and Drake, she was still dangerous. He drew his sword easily and pointed it at her neck, reminding her that he was still a threat as well.

Pru didn’t look too happy to see him either. “Don’t give me that shit, Robin,” she snarled. “I’m just here to pass on a message.”

“I believe you are loyal to my brother, not me,” Robin hissed. “Why should I believe anything that comes out of your mouth?”

“Because it’s important!” Pru looked frustrated. “Eth Alth'eban is on lockdown, and I barely managed to get out. I can’t get in touch with Red Robin; every time I try, something happens and messages are re-routed or destroyed. Lightning strikes on the communication towers in Antarctica, the encrypted server that runs through Bolivia crashed from a fucking hurricane, even the goddamn carrier pigeon got drawn off course from high winds in Brazil! Do you have any idea how erratic the past two weeks have been? It’s like something is out to get me!”

“So why come to me? You’re in Gotham now.” He pointed out.

Pru threw her hands up, exasperated. “Because Nightwing told me Red Robin is out of the country to help with flooding in Qatar! Apparently, there’s a fucking tropical storm hitting it for the first time ever! You’re the one who really needs to hear this, anyway, so I gave up and found you. It seems Gotham won’t let me leave until I say my piece.”

Damian considered the situation. Pru really did look like she’d been through hell and back. She looked furious at something, and her clothes were still damp from rain. Except it hadn’t rained in Gotham for a while. Not since…the summer storm. The back of his neck tingled again, and he glanced around. Clouds were closing in. Fuck.

He sheathed his sword. Pieces from this puzzle were starting to fall into place, but he needed more information. “Say what you must,” he nodded to Pru while tapping his comms to alert Oracle to the conversation. He also activated his emergency tracker, hoping Orphan or Nightwing would find him in time. Their conversation would end quickly once the woman relayed her message, and Damian wasn't about to force Pru to stay because he was nervous about being alone.

“Finally,” Pru sighed and sat heavily on the rooftop, not minding the glass that dug into her hands and thighs. “Your grandfather has a new Heir.”

Damian blinked, pausing. He wasn’t quite expecting that.

“I only knew about this early because they killed my inside man in the medical department. I got a hold of his notes, and it looks like they were in the middle of treating an unknown entity, and the files all referred to it as the ‘Demon's Heir.’ I'm not Red, so I can't be sure, but the records don't start in a way that would suggest they made a test tube baby or another clone."

"And it is not my cousin they are treating? Perhaps grandfather has changed his mind and declared Mara his ideal Heir."

Pru stared at Gotham's roiling clouds, looking frustrated. She didn't seem to notice anything strange about them. "No. Mara al Ghul was in Kuwait until recently. She and the others from the Demon's Fist were doing something on orders from Mother Soul. It's above my pay grade, so I can't tell you much more than that other than they left suddenly without finishing their business. I'll take a guess that Mother Soul will be pissed about that. I do know that the medical records were updated two days ago to reflect a stab wound to the entity's chest. Their name was also updated: Phantom."

Damian considered Pru's words. He turned the clues over in his mind like stones, carefully examining anything that might hint at deceit. She was telling the truth, unfortunately. "So someone named Phantom has claimed the role of Demon's Heir, and my cousin most likely heard this news first and abandoned her post to attack the usurper," he summarized. "And my grandfather has closed off his city for one reason or another, presumably to either train or protect Phantom. Am I correct?"

Pru nodded. "That's pretty much it, birdie. Whatcha gonna do about it?"

He ignored the jab. "I will consider my options," he said stiffly. "Now that you've served your purpose, leave Gotham immediately." Orphan, where are you?

The former assassin laughed and hauled herself to her feet, brushing off the glass and dirt that stuck to her clothes. "I'll consider it. I've been running around for weeks; Red Robin won't mind if I crash at his, will he?"

"He will."

"Tough shit. See you around!" Pru jumped off the rooftop and into the alley below, not giving a shit about potential muggers as she waltzed into the night.

He was alone.

Damian watched her go before tapping his comms again. “Did you hear everything?” He asked Oracle, but no reply came except static. He expected this but cursed anyway. Thunder started to rumble overhead; he felt it deep in his bones. Whispers of electricity started crawling along the rooftop, following wires and coming dangerously close to touching him. He was forced to back into a corner on the rooftop and hoped his rubber-insulated boots were enough to prevent a shock. The feeling from earlier was stronger than ever. Someone was watching him. They knew he was finally alone. Obviously, Orphan nor Nightwing would get there in time, so Damian would have to deal with this himself.

He turned in a circle, straining his eyes to see through the cloud cover. He still couldn’t pinpoint their location, but he knew they were up there. “Reveal yourself!” He barked, hand on his weapon.

A moment passed. The air pressure changed, making his ears pop uncomfortably. His eyes were trained on the sky as rain started to fall. The clouds above the city gathered wildly, swirling together and reaching down toward him. The bolts of electricity that crawled over the rooftop raced together and rose up to meet it, becoming large bolts of lightning that could do real harm to the city if even one got loose. He stepped back into the corner even further, watching the mass of storm clouds finally get low enough to spread out across the building like a thick fog, revealing a figure in the vague shape of a man.

Great. Of course, it was something magical. He'd be having words with the magic users from earlier.

The man wasn’t touching the ground. In fact, Damian could hardly make out his legs as his broad form blurred from the wind, snatching bits of his green body away. Smaller rain clouds encircled his waist like a belt, and his hair looked more like jagged horns sitting against his brow. While he wore a well-loved weather vest and thick gloves, the rain around them would have soaked the man through by now. But he was perfectly dry. Damian was a little envious.

The man was smiling at him, but not the kind of smile that welcomed him into the conversation. No, this man of clouds and lightning was holding himself like someone was forcing him to be there. His red eyes looked like a swirling red cyclone, and his overall air was disinterested and tired.

Damian flinched as the man opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out except drawn-out screeches and clicks. It sounded like thunder was crashing right next to his ear or a tree getting struck by lightning. He didn't like it. The man frowned, realizing Damian couldn't understand him, and cleared his throat to try again.

“Hello, little Robin,” the man eventually tried, this time in Arabic. His voice was…strange. It sounded like he was gasping with every word, and the thundering sound was still there, muted and layered under the greeting. "I'm sorry, I forgot the people of this world are not natural speakers of the Realm's language."

“I am not little,” Damian snarled, likewise in Arabic.

“Of course not,” the man waved his hand. “A ghost’s size does not determine their power. I greet you nonetheless, little Robin.”

Damian had a feeling that speaking with this man was going to be infuriating. “Who are you?” He demanded. “And why are you in Gotham City?”

“You may call me the Navigator,” the man bowed a little, stiff in his back like he wasn’t used to the action. The Navigator, it seemed, was used to being in power. But by bowing to Damian, he showed his reluctant submission right off the bat, hoping to appease him and have a civil conversation. “And I believe you have a hunch as to why I’m here. You noticed me pretty quickly, after all.”

“So you are the one who’s been stalking me.”

“In plainer terms, yes.”

“I presume you’re the one who’s been messing with Pru as well?”

“You would presume correctly,” The Navigator's face scrunched and swirled like he was making a face of disgust. “I would rather have sent my sylphs to do it, but the Scepter insisted I do this part myself.”

More new information. If Damian remembered, sylphs were elemental wind spirits. So the Navigator was either a spirit himself or someone who could control them. But he said ‘ghost’ earlier. How did that fit in? He didn't look like the undead Damian knew of.

And ‘the Scepter’ was said with an inflection that suggested it was a name. Scepters were symbols of royalty, but Damian didn’t know anyone who actually used one or went by that name. It was no title he’d ever heard of. Whoever they were, they had to be more powerful than the Navigator if they had truly sent him after Robin.

“Aye, I can hear your brain working from here, little Robin.” The Navigator rolled his eyes, stretching the tiny cyclones. “You three are so similar that I’ll never find peace.”

“I don’t quite follow. State your business quickly; I’m losing my patience.”

The Navigator waved his hand, summoning a tablet out of nowhere. He tapped on it a few times clumsily, like he wasn't used to holding it, and then tossed it to Damian. The boy caught it easily and examined the thing. It looked like a normal tablet, similar to the ones Drake made and sold. It had a shield logo stamped on the back with Egyptian hieroglyphs engraved around the edge. It was warm to the touch, and Damian felt a little tingle as he turned it over in his hands. This was filled with magic.

The screen was made from something other than normal glass, that much he could tell as he scrolled away, trying his best to absorb the information quickly while keeping an eye on the stranger. It was a contract, he realized. The contract had been written on papyrus and then scanned in digitally. Half of it was written in a language he recognized but couldn't read. The other half contained details on limitations for the Navigator and instructions he was to follow regarding 'ghostlings,' 'The Guardian,' and...Damian Thomas al Ghul-Wayne.

Damian paled beneath the mask. His full name was in this contract. This was about him. The magical being before him knew who he was. He sped through the pages faster, frantically looking for answers.

...And as stated previously, the Navigator, Ancient of Storms, will grant Damian Thomas al Ghul-Wayne his blessing. This blessing will last the entirety of Damian's natural life until death returns him to the Realms. Upon completing the blessing, the Navigator will dispatch one guard to watch over Damian until the Scepter returns* but will not interfere with him personally.

During this period, the Guardian will fulfill the contract between the Gardener, Ancient of Growth, and one Ra's al Ghul. *The Scepter will enter The Guardian's time loop, and therefore, the Navigator may return to the Realms once the time loop is closed again. The runaway ghostlings will be promptly returned to their Lairs and Haunts in the correct dimensions.

As one last note, the Navigator will also refrain from fucking around with The Sword and The Shield unless he wants to find out what they can do. (I'm serious, too. The Shadow is busy, but I'll still find out if you try something, and I will kick your ass with no hesitation. The other two will be more than willing to punt your ass into Soup Time, as well.)

Upon completing this assignment, I release you from your bind, Ancient of Storms. Return to your Lair and rest with your sylphs. Thank you for your service.

Upon signing, all parties agree to abide by this contract until its terms are met. May the End take our souls if it is ever broken.

The Navigator, Ancient of Storms

Jasmine Nightingale, the Guardian's Scepter

At the bottom, under the signatures, Damian spotted a smaller note addressed to him.

Damian al Ghul, I look forward to our first meeting. Don't forget to bring your sword!

"You," he breathed heavily, glancing up at the mass of clouds. "Explain. What on earth is this?"

The Navigator cocked his head a little too far to the left. "I thought it was pretty self-explanatory," he said in a bored tone. "I was essentially sent on a ravenger hunt to find you and some escaped ghostlings. You shall receive my blessing whether I like it or not, and then I'll leave you to return to my Lair. Hopefully, I'll never have to grace these rotten clouds again!"

"It's 'scavenger hunt.'"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. You are useless at explaining. What is this 'Ancient of Storms' title you have? What are these Realms this contract speaks of? Why must you give me a blessing?"

"Ughhh," the Navigator rolled in the air, groaning. "I'm the embodiment of storms, isn't that obvious? I'd rather deal with Plasmius now than talk with a naive ghostling like you. What kind of ghostling speaks like this anyway? It's rude! I've been practicing my manners; the least you can do is humor me. At least Phantom can figure shit out on his own; I don't have to explain anything to him."

"Phantom?" The name caught Damian's attention. "You know Phantom? Who is he? What does he want with my grandfather?"

"Dunno, little Robin. That's between the Scepter and the Gardener. They had a contract in place decades before your grandfather was even born. And since I'm not allowed near Phantom for a while, all I know is that he's been handed over to Ra's al Ghul for a chance at recovery. He was involved in an incident recently. I don't know the details, but he's hurt so badly it's turning the Realms upside down. That's why I was sent away; I thrive off chaos."

"So, again, you are useless," Damian snarled. He turned away, which, in hindsight, was a stupid move, but he was so angry at the lack of answers that he didn't care. He buried himself back into the tablet, scanning through the contract again, looking for anything useful. Everything seemed so organized, yet the information he wanted felt just out of reach.

He vaguely heard the Navigator mutter in surprise. Something about freaky time visions being too accurate before a blinding white hot pain spread across his body. He dropped the tablet, falling to his knees. It felt like lightning was crawling under his skin, burning him from the inside out. He was distantly aware that he was screaming but didn't know how to stop it. Then the pain was gone in the next instant, and he was left collapsed on the roof, eyes screwed shut as shudders racked his body. He smelled burning flesh. A misty touch brushed away his damp bangs, cooling his brow.

"Yup, I'm pretty sure he's still alive," the Navigator murmured. "Well done, little Robin. Perhaps the Scepter knew what she was talking about when she said you could house my power. Either way, I've said my piece. The rest is up to you. Goodbye, and I hope to never see you again. Feel free to pass on those ghost rabies to the Gardener if you ever see him, though."

And with a rumble of thunder, the presence of the spirit disappeared, taking with him the gentle rain and green storm clouds. Damian lay on that roof for what felt like ages, staring into nothing and dazed from the pain. Nightwing eventually found him, however, with Orphan not far behind.

"Baby Bat!" His elder brother cried, sliding to a stop beside him and gathering Damian in his arms. Cass hovered next to them, unsure of what to do.

"Baba," he croaked in return. "The tablet..."

"Don't worry about that," Nightwing pushed his bangs back, just like the Navigator had. "Are you okay? You're shaking; Oracle lost contact with you over an hour ago and you never showed up to the rendezvous spot. What happened?"

Damian tried to tell him. A being made of storms came by, looking for me by name. He wanted to say. He cut off my comms and shared a contract with me. Then he struck me with lightning and left. We need to bring the tablet back to the Cave for analysis.

But his throat was too dry, and Damian's mind was in too much pain to form the words. As he curled up in Nightwing's arms, all he could mumble was the word 'baba' again and drop his head to the side. Nightwing cursed, instructed Orphan to grab the tablet, and swiftly made the trip back to the Cave with a sense of urgency. Damian groaned the whole way. His body was tender, and every jostle sent tiny shocks through his nerves.

He must have passed out at some point because he remembered skirting around Crime Alley one moment and Alfred checking his vitals the next. The butler gave him a gentle look and dabbed his forehead with a cool cloth. "Where's-" he tried to ask.

"Quiet, Master Damian. Master Dick will be here in a moment." Alfred soothed. Damian dropped it and settled back into the medical bed. When had he taken his clothes off? How long was he out?

A few minutes later, his siblings got the message that he'd awoken and stormed the med bay. "Baby Bat!" Cried Dick, sliding into the room and bolting to Damian's side. "Are you okay? Do you remember us?"

"Yes, baba." Damian croaked. Alfred held a glass of water to his lips, and he sipped carefully to soothe the burn in his throat.

"Dickie told me you got one hell of a shock," Jason, the second eldest, stood in the doorway, arms crossed and staring at them. Cass hung from his side, overwhelmed with anxiety. Steph was shuffling an exhausted Duke into one of the other medical beds, simply so the boy could feel included but still get some rest.

"I did," Damian confessed. Dick gripped his hand tightly, helping him sit up better. "I've been feeling a presence stalk me over the past few weeks, and tonight, I was finally confronted when Cain and I were separated." He left out the part with Pru for now but relayed everything the Navigator had told him, including the details he'd seen on the contract.

Everyone stayed silent as he spoke, but Dick looked like he was ready to bite someone by the end of the story.

"I'm calling everyone back to the Cave," he decided. "This is a Code Addams."

Jason shook his head immediately. "I'm all for punching storm cryptids," he said. "But you know this doesn't fall under Bruce's emergency plans."

"He's right, Dick," Steph frowned. She sat on the other side of Damian's bed, playing with his fingers lightly, and he didn't have the energy to move her. "We can put out a warning, but this sounds like League business to me. Most of us won't really be any help when it comes to al Ghul family drama."

"It's not 'drama,' Brown. Grandfather has taken a new, unknown Heir that has connections to several powerful entities if I'm not mistaken."

Steph nodded. "Yeah! Drama! And if that freaky storm demon shows up again, then we're even less equipped to deal with it. B's not even here right now to help, so we're on our own for this one."

"I'll even send Babs a copy of the contract; she'll probably be able to find something we can't." Jason started tapping away at his phone with one hand, updating the BatKids group chat on the situation and unloading the work onto Barbara.

Dick looked devastated. "But-"

"Hey, Dami?" Duke groaned, cutting everyone off. He was tangled in the thin sheets of the bed now, squinting at the youngest Wayne like he was staring at the sun. "I was kind of half-listening, but you said something about the lightning strike being a blessing, right?"

"Correct."

"Okay, um. Are you aware you glow now? Well, glow more than you used to?"

"...I was not aware. What do you see?"

Duke shuffled and threw an arm over his eyes. The lights of the med bay were giving him a migraine, but he refused to leave now. "You used to just look like a lamp. Now, you look like a bolt of lightning," he said. "There's electricity following your nerves. And your eyes are glowing green—just like Jason's when he's mad. Whatever you got hit with, it's definitely doing something to your body. I just don't know what."

Everyone paused at that.

"Well shit," Jason eventually broke the silence, bringing Cass even closer like a teddy bear. "Looks like we should get a hold of Talia and Bruce, at minimum. Demon Brat, you should probably go to Eth Alth'eban if you want answers."

Damian thumped his head against his thin pillow. "Fuck."

"Potty mouth!"

-

Danny was starting to get tired of waking up sore.

At least he recognized the room. It was the same one as before and actually decorated like a patient's room, not an underground bunker with his own blood splattered on the walls. He groaned, trying to shift his body. How much was he missing? His lungs were back, obviously. They felt raw in his chest. His vocal chords were also half-baked, but speaking wasn't really an issue right now.

What mattered was his pounding headache and the fire beneath his skin. He had started to sweat in his sleep, which is something he'd never done ever since he had died. Danny tried to glance down at this chest. (Had someone slipped his bones back into place?) The bandages were professional work but pulled away easily when he tugged on them. He hissed as they caught on fresh scabs and drew tiny amounts of blood.

His torso was a fucking mess. Danny was underground for ages, he knew. The GIW treated him like an immortal lab rat by tearing open his body every day to poke around and take samples. It was a miracle they didn't find his broken core, which was hidden deep behind his heart.

The cuts on his torso were being held together by surgical staples; no doubt any stitches or glue dissolved when in contact with his blood. His skin was flushed, puckered, and oozed green. The stab wound was fresher and looked nastier than what Lunch Lady could cook up. It was probably infected. He most likely would have scars even as a ghost. Frostbite once told him that wounds to the soul were the hardest to heal, and Danny didn't see himself getting over this anytime soon.

He laid his head back, staring at the smooth ceiling. A whine built in his throat. Why did everything have to hurt? He just wanted to go home.

But where was home?

His home was gone.

He had nothing to return to.

His parents pretty much disowned him the moment they sold him to the GIW.

The whine turned into a quiet sob, and he let himself sit there and shake. All he had ever done was try to be a good son to his parents, a good friend to Sam and Tucker, and a good brother to Dani and Jazz. Why did it have to be up to him to save others? Sure, it was kind of fun, but the stress of protecting both humans and ghosts got to Danny fast. The others didn't understand. No one understood. And now they never will because Danny was gone and had no home.

And there was that heavy pain again. His core became impossibly cold, uncomfortable against his human heart. It was pulling at his skin and at his bones. He gasped and cried, balling up the bandages in his fist. Was his chest caving in? His core felt like it was trying to turn him inside out and tear him apart.

Why was no one there to help him? Why wasn't he good enough to be saved? Was it because he couldn't save that little girl? Were his failures finally catching up to him? He'll do better, he promises...

Desiree must have heard his silent pleas. The door to his room opened, and a single man entered. It took a moment to recognize him through his tears, but Danny eventually saw that he was the same man who had soothed him to sleep previously.

"Ra's al Ghul," Danny managed. The man nodded to him, coming closer to stare at Danny while he writhed on the bed.

"You are having another panic attack."

"C-can't-"

"The doctors say you have lungs once more. Use them."

"It hurts-"

"Then let it hurt," Ra's didn't look away from Danny. He was cold but not disgusted. He expected Danny to be strong enough to handle this himself. "You are my Heir now; either embrace the pain or let go of what torments you. Become stronger."

"I can't!" Danny sobbed. His shoulders shook with the effort it took to speak. "They'll come back-"

Ra's firmly said, "They shall not."

"You don't know that! I'll be cut up again!"

"You are not from this world, Phantom. Whatever torments you cannot follow."

The words slowly sunk into his brain. The weight was lifted off his chest for a moment. Another world? He wasn't in his home dimension? The GIW didn't exist here? His parents weren't waiting around the corner with a bone saw and handcuffs?

That was great, but that also meant he truly was alone now.

There was no way for him to find his way back, was there?

The pressure from his core lessened, and his body stopped trying to eat itself. His chest expanded again, allowing him to breathe properly through choked sobs and broken groans. He clenched his teeth, trying to stop the tears. He really was useless.

"You are not useless, Phantom." Ra's had a hard light in his eyes. "As mentioned before, you are an al Ghul now, one of my grandsons, no matter what you were previously. You are very valuable to the League now, and I refuse to let you go."

Danny sniffed. "I can't offer you much," he said. "I remember that Undergrowth promised you power and knowledge, but I'm practically a high school dropout, and I'm so weak I can barely lift my head."

"So you shall regain your strength. I have lived a long time, grandson, and I shall live even longer. Your recovery will be swift when compared to the erosion of time."

"Mr. al Ghul..." Danny said defeatedly. His throat felt thick from all the crying. "I couldn't even keep my town safe. All I'm good for is killing kings and pissing people off. I don't want to bring you that kind of shame."

Ra did not show any signs of his satisfaction with Danny's words, but Danny could taste it in the air. "So you were a warrior, yes?"

"I-uh, sort of? I'm a ghost, and I died two years ago. Ghosts fight for every reason and no reason. I kinda had to learn on my feet or risk getting Ended."

"A warrior who cannot die. A man who has the will to act." Ra's appraised him like a prized cow. "Yes, I shall be able to use you, child. The al Ghul legacy shall never die out if you become the Demon's Head. Phantom al Ghul is a...fitting name, I suppose."

Danny wrinkled his nose. "I don't know what half of that means, but okay. And my name isn't really Phantom; that's just my title and hero name. My real name is Danny."

"Then, Daniel-"

"Danny!"

"Daniel, now that your tears have stopped, let me call for refreshments and fresh bandages. We must discuss the Gardener's contract and your usefulness in great detail."

Danny sighed. He was calmer, but now he had to do an Ancient's magic paperwork? He'd rather let his core swallow him whole.

At least someone needed him again.

-

The group followed Jazz’s decision without a second thought and stepped through the giant portal alongside her. Luckily, it led right to the edge of the In-Between, where Clockwork and a few others resided in their individual spaces. Jazz yelped as she realized there was no solid surface to land on and flipped around in the air uncontrollably. Sam and Tucker had the same fate. All of them kind of bobbed around like ducks in the water before Danielle sighed, gathered them all up with some rope from Tucker’s pack, and hauled them along in the vague direction of Clockwork’s tower.

For a space called Long Now, it didn't take very long to reach the tower, even with Dani hauling along three passengers. Everyone was pretty quiet during the ride, still processing what they had seen in the underground facility. It was a little strange. None of them felt disgust or fear at Danny's actions, but anger and sadness at what he was forced to endure. Not once did they consider abandoning him, even though others might have shied away from his monstrous outburst.

Jazz wondered what Clockwork could possibly say to them that would make the whole thing better. She just wanted to see Danny. She wanted to sit down with him and watch shitty kid's movies while they huddled under that one big quilt her parents had. The one that was gifted to them as a wedding gift and the one they added to when something important happened. She felt horrible thinking about it now.

Jazz would probably never see that quilt again. And if she did, she would probably burn it.

"We're here," Dani quietly announced, untethering the group from her body as they touched Clockwork's island. Long Now was a special place even in the In-Between. The tower's foundations were in varying stages of decay, and much like its owner, the building warped from looking good as new to 'about to fall over' kind of old right before their eyes. Everything felt so fragile.

They entered the lower entrance, climbing a spiral staircase past rows and rows of clocks lining the walls. Everything was ticking out of sync, which usually annoyed Jazz to no end. Right now, she couldn't care less.

Reaching the top had a lack of fanfare. One minute they were passing the biggest fucking grandfather clock they'd ever seen, and the next, they were in Clockwork's main room at the top of the tower, facing the old ghost himself.

Clockwork didn't even look at them. He seemed exhausted.

"We're here," Jazz announced. "Tell us what you know."

"No greetings, Jasmine? I thought you raised Danny to have manners, so where are yours?"

"Locked behind the walls of Fentonworks. Tell us what you know, Clockwork, or I'll break everything here." She snarled. It wasn't an empty threat, and everyone knew it.

"Please, Clockwork," Tucker added. "We saw your message. Where's Danny?"

Dani started crying into Sam's shoulder. "Where's my brother?" The ghost girl sobbed. "I want to see Danny!"

Clockwork sighed. He was aging rapidly, growing wrinkles as they watched. "Daniel is safe, for now. I hid him in another world. However, the flow of time has changed. New paths are being forged. If things continue as they are, Daniel will become something worse than Dan."

Danielle muffled another sob.

"Daniel did something I did not expect while having his rampage in Yellowstone. It will take a delicate hand to make sure his actions do not cause him to go down the wrong path."

"What did he do?"

Clockwork looked them each in the eye. His eyes were glassy and blank, like the face of a new watch, but his sincerity was enough to reach them. "He sealed off the Realms."

Tucker choked. "I'm sorry, he wHAT??"

"Daniel, in his explosion of sudden power, sealed off the Infinite Realms from your home world's influence. Only the power of an Ancient can break that barrier now. The only portal still open is the one located in Fentonworks, protected by the strongest shield your mortal world has to offer. Vortex had to be sent out to collect ghostlings who didn't return in time. By sealing off the Realms, Daniel effectively declared they were under his protection and claimed the title 'Guardian' since only Guardians have the right to seal off worlds."

Jazz's mind was spinning. "He...sealed off our world. Did he do it on purpose?"

Clockwork shook his head. "No, I'm afraid not. This was a decision made by Fate alone. He was simply the strongest power source available that was also willing to defend the Realms to his End. The Realms responded in kind and claimed him as Guardian. That is a title and a burden he will share forever."

"Oh, god..." Jazz sat heavily on the floor, reeling from the shock. Dani left Sam's shoulder and crumpled into her lap, still crying. Tucker and Sam also offered each other comfort, leaning on each other as Clockwork's words sunk in. "So, what happens to him? Where is he now? What future do we have to avoid?"

Clockwork waved his staff, summoning a few large clocks with reflective surfaces. The clockfaces glitched and changed to show different pictures of Danny, all doing various things at different stages in his life. One had Danny laughing with a group of strangers. Another had him shaking hands with a green-skinned man. A third was him sitting in a hospital bed, getting stabbed in the chest. They cycled through different pictures and videos, and it was hard to look away.

"This is the future we must avoid." Clockwork motioned to the smallest clock, which showed a furious Danny screaming into the vacuum of space, tears pouring down his face. A large rip into the Realms tore open from his Wail, and the stars surrounding him started to get sucked in.

"If this future comes true, Daniel will destroy not only your home world but the Realms as a whole," The Ancient explained. "Because of his new link to the Realms, no one will be able to take the title of Guardian from him. He will become a destroyer and tear apart every universe and every timeline. Everything will just...End."

"That's horrible," Sam whispered. "What's the tipping point?"

Again, Clockwork looked them deep in their eyes. "Your betrayals."

"WHAT??" Danielle screeched, whipping around.

"You betray him by dying, Danielle. You melt in his arms and ask why he didn't save you. Samantha, you betray him by leaving him. Your home world is never unsealed and you can't stand not being able to see your grandmother again. Tucker, you betray him by lying to him. You say you're on his side but end up stabbing him in the back for a 'good cause.' Jasmine, you betray him by acting just like your parents." Jazz felt tears prick her eyes, but Clockwork kept going. "You see the monster he has become and can't look past it. The four of you betraying him would be his last straw, and Daniel would rather tear apart the universe than be reminded of you four ever again. And so he does."

Sam protested, "We would never!"

"You wouldn't." Clockwork agreed. "But you can, and in some ways, you already have. That is how time works. If you do not want to bring about this end, you must actively fight against this destiny like Daniel has fought against Dan."

Tucker whipped out his PDA, already taking notes. "What's the game plan, then? I would rather eat Dash's underwear than stab Danny in the back. If I have to throw hands with an evil version of myself from the future, I'm willing to do that, too."

Clockwork smiled at them for the first time since their arrival. "That was the right response," he told Tucker. "You're already taking a step away from that future. But for the best ending for everyone, all four of you will need to connect with the Realms as well."

"But we don't have the same power that Danny does."

"No, but your will is just as strong as his. Prove to the Realms that you're willing to fight, protect, and love just as much as Daniel. Become his support. Do it right, follow in his footsteps, and the Realms shall accept you with open arms. You will be bound together as a family for eternity."

The four looked at each other. Jazz gently wiped away the remainder of Dani's tears as they pondered over the ghost's words. Connecting with the Realms would probably mean giving up some amount of their humanity, especially if it truly was a forever thing. They might follow in Danny's footsteps a little too closely-but for their friend and brother? They would do anything.

"Fuck eternity!"

"Tell us what to do."

"We'll always be there for Danny."

"I don't plan on eating any underwear, but I will fight evil me if that's what it takes."

Clockwork shriveled up, folding in on himself several times before unfolding into a child, like a phoenix (but without the fire). He looked less exhausted now, less like the promise of the End was no longer hovering over his shoulder. "Become the Guardian's Shadow, Danielle. Take up his mantle while he is away and keep the peace in his stead. Be the Guardian's Sword, Samantha. Be at the front of each fight and kill when he cannot. The Guardian's Shield will be you, Tucker. Your wish to protect those around you will come true, and you will gain the power to shield them from harm. And Jasmine-"

Jazz held her breath.

"You will have the most difficult job. You will be the Guardian's Scepter. His symbol of power. You will work behind the scenes to stage events that shall work in his favor no matter what."

She released her breath, surprised. "A scepter? Like the symbol of royalty? But wasn't the position of King given to another?"

"In sorts. Daniel helped elect a council to rule the Realms and refused to be a part of it. However, you shall be his Scepter, only wielded in times of need. You will take the dark and harsher jobs that shouldn't be brought to life. You will pull the strings to ensure the timelines stay together, and he never strays from the path."

"How would I do that?"

"You need to become my apprentice."

-

After Jason's statement about coming to see Ra's in person, the whole Batfamily blew up. Words were said in person and over text, and Damian was too exhausted at the time to get a word in edgewise, so let Jason argue for him. Eventually, Bruce had to take a moment away from his League duties and settle the matter over a conference call. After debating, he allowed Damian to return to the League of Assassins, provided Dick went with him. The man was already on a leave of absence from his job to cover for Batman, and he could keep a level head when dealing with the Demon's Head.

So off they went as soon as Alfred gave Damian the all-clear. Strangely enough, he had no side effects from being struck by fucking lightning. Well, almost none. He did feel flush every once in a while, and his veins burned like there was liquid battery acid in them, but other than that, he was fine! No, he didn't need another cold press, Alfred! It was only a few hours by plane; he'd be fine!

And honestly, with the news that Eth Alth’eban was on lockdown, Damian thought it would be harder to enter the city. Undetected, at least. Sadly, they were found out immediately and had a group waiting for them as they touched down. As soon as he stepped off the Batplane onto the private airstrip in Yemen, he was quickly surrounded by the 'welcoming' entourage of assassins. They took his bags, herding him toward a black car as Dick jogged to keep up with them. Damian was glad they didn't do a pat-down in their rush; he'd hidden the tablet under his clothes just for this purpose.

"Hey!" his brother shouted. "How did you guys even know we were here?"

"This is a League matter, Nightwing." The head of the group, a one-eyed man named after the god Balor, whom Damian recognized as part of his grandfather's elite, barely turned to look at Grayson and dismissed him entirely.

“No, this is a family matter,” Dick leaned against the door of the car, preventing Balor from opening it and shoving Damian in. They stared at each other long and hard.

“You are not an al Ghul.”

“Damian was nearly killed by a storm demon and told there was a new Heir who is somehow connected to said storm demon. I’m not leaving him alone.”

Balor considered the options before him, glancing at Damian. His one good eye assessed him. The boy simply raised a brow. “I’d prefer it if my baba came with us.”

The assassin’s face twitched, which was the equivalent of a snort of disgust, but gave in to Dick’s demands and herded them both into the car. Two more assassins slid in on either side of them while Balor took the passenger seat. The driver barely glanced at the airport security as they drove the vehicle off the tarmac and into the middle of the desert.

The drive felt long. Damian held a stoic face whenever Balor looked at him and refused to engage in any conversation with Dick. Even when the AC was turned off, everyone started sweating, and his brother was threatening to sing show tunes until they turned it back on.

He ended up singing, of course. Damian just zoned out as his brother started warbling through the entire soundtrack of Hairspray. Truly, the man had questionable taste. For their credit, the assassins made it through the entire performance of Hairspray and halfway through High School Musical before the driver slowly leaned over, never taking their eyes off the desert landscape, and flicked the AC back on to blast. They lasted longer than Bruce would have.

Dick still finished the High School Musical soundtrack despite getting what he wanted. No one ever said he did things half-assed.

Finally, Damian spotted the maze of canyons that housed the Assassin City, Eth Alth’eban. Damian wasn’t sure if his elder brother had ever been there before, but the tight hold he had on his hand suggested that Dick either had very complicated memories of the place or was anxious about being in enemy territory. He wasn’t really interested in asking.

As they approached, the main gate was large and imposing. The sun was high in the sky now and beat down on them to reflect all the minute details that had been carved into the gates. They were gorgeous pieces of work, ones that Ra’s was no doubt very proud of. Guards were there to welcome them, examining the vehicle from top to bottom to ensure nothing strange was being brought in from the outside world. Damian glared at his brother when the man leaned forward to take the attention off of him and the hidden tablet, loudly asking the outside guards when they could go in yet.

One of them narrowed their eyes at Dick. “An extra?” They hissed in Arabic. “This was not approved by the Demon’s Head.”

Balor jerked a thumb at Damian. “His choice,” he responded simply. “The Bats are never alone. The Head is aware of this." Since when? They never called ahead. Damian felt the burn of lighting in his veins again. He caught Balor's eye in the rearview mirror and realized that the man's eye color was much lighter than it was supposed to be. It was shifting between gray and blue, like a cloud, and stared at him with unusual intensity.

Fuck. Of course, the secret guard that was mentioned in the contract. It must have gone into effect when the Navigator returned to wherever he came from. How did he know they would end up in the Eth Alth'eban?

Whatever was said next, Damian missed, but eventually, the gates opened, and the car was let through. Dick was quiet once more, staring at the lush city, probably trying to figure out how to do a backflip off the tall buildings. They headed straight for the palace that was past the training grounds. Most people were taking a noon daybreak, so the grounds were empty when the car pulled up next to the designated drop-off point.

Balor motioned for the group to leave the car, and the two assassins tugged on Dick’s arm painfully, practically dragging him along and not allowing any room for him to wander off. Damian wasn’t touched, but he was no less shuffled in the same direction. They went up the steps, through hallways lined with servants and fountains, following a path Damian recognized easily. They were headed to the medical wing.

His mind raced. Was he ready to meet this ‘Phantom’ fellow? Would he insist on fighting to the death to prove his worth? Had his mother gotten his message and made it here before him? So many questions ran through his head, yet this was not the time to ask them. Damian bit his tongue and instead played the part of the perfect al Ghul. Silent, deadly, and proud.

Balor was leading the way. He studied the older man's back carefully, looking for any other inconsistencies in his behavior. There were none, except for a single cloud symbol stamped into his neck that shimmered the same color as Vortex. Did this mean he was possessed? Was he another one of the Navigator's blessed? Did Damian also have the same symbol? No one else seemed to notice the mark, so Damian put it in the back of his mind. He'd have Dick check his neck later, just in case.

They'd reached the end of the medical wing now, where Damian knew the rooms were sealed off for quarantined patients.

Indeed, a pair of guards stood in front of the extra set of doors. Balor nodded to the guards and pushed through without stopping. The quarantined corridor was short, with only six rooms, three on each side. Five were marked with a little green flag by the door, indicating their vacancy. The sixth, the farthest on the left, had a little red flag displayed. Damian pushed his way to the front of the group and beelined for the door. This was it. Soon, he'd have some answers.

His grandfather opened the door before he could knock. The al Ghuls looked at each other, noting how much had changed since they had last seen each other. His grandfather looked…well. He was healthy, and there were no visible injuries. His clothes were immaculate but simpler than his usual ornate robes. It felt like Ra's was dressed for a close social visit, not for taking over the world and planning murder.

"Damian," His grandfather was as short as ever, however. "You are late."

"Good to see you too, old man," Dick snarked. Ra's ignored him, waving a hand to Balor, who promptly shut the door again before Dick could walk through after Damian. The two were to wait in the hallway, apparently.

Damian moved further past his grandfather, forgoing the greeting. His eyes were glued to the hospital bed. Draped in rich blankets and wrapped in soft cotton bandages, a boy around his age was sitting up and staring at him with green eyes similar to his own. He was holding a glass of Lazarus water, raised to his lips like he was about to drink it. Honestly, if it wasn't for his incredibly pale skin and wispy white hair, the boy could have been his-

"Holy shit, we look exactly the same!" The boy lowered the glass, staring at Damian in wonder. His voice was double-layered, like the Navigator's, and it grated on Damian's mind with the sounds of screaming and creaking ice. "Are you Mr. al Ghul's other grandson? This is so freaky!"

Ah, so this was Phantom.

-

[rotten7rat]

Jason Todd Playlist Analysis

PART 13

Seventeen Going Under by Sam Fender

I see this song being about Jason’s childhood, referencing his mother, Catherine, and his father, Willis. He’s struggled for his whole life, from the moment he was born to now, he’s always been “going under”.  The age of seventeen is less literal in this case, I just take it to mean child in general for Jason.

 I remember the sickness was forever

I remember snuff videos

Cold Septembers, the distances we covered

The fist fights on the beach, the bizzies round us up

Do it all again next week

An embryonic love

The first time that it scarred

Embarrass yourself for someone

Crying like a child

And the boy who kicked Tom's head in

Still bugs me now

That's the thing, it lingers

And claws you when you're down

Reference to the poverty the Todds experienced, Catherine’s illness, struggling to keep a roof over their heads, the violence Jason witnessed at home and just from growing up in Park Row in general. It’s a constant repetition one week to the next. The rest of this part could just reference snippets of Jason’s early childhood. There’s no escaping poverty, it just keeps pulling you down as soon as you think you’re doing better.

I was far too scared to hit him

But I would hit him in a heartbeat now

That's the thing with anger

It begs to stick around

So it can fleece you of your beauty

And leave you spent with nowt to offer

Makes you hurt the ones who love you

You hurt them like they're nothing

This part makes me think of Willis, taking shady jobs and working for Gotham’s rogues to support his family, but taking out his stress and frustrations on his family. Jason knows that Willis loved them, but there’s no denying that he hurt them. It could reference Catherine as well, with how she came to rely on drugs to deal with her illness, which obviously hurt Jason also. Jason has even less doubt in his mother’s love, but her addiction had a large impact on Jason’s childhood.

See I spent my teens enraged

Spiralin' in silence

And I armed myself with a grin

'Cause I was always the fuckin' joker

A mirrored picture of my old man

I know a lot of people talk about how Jason wasn’t angry, but he was, and that’s okay, it doesn't mean it was the only thing he felt. He had a lot of anger as a teen, and it did slip into his work as Robin. He started to see Willis in himself, and as a teen he was still angry at Willis for how he treated him and Catherine, and for leaving them to survive without him.

She said the debt, the debt, the debt

So I thought about shifting gear

And how she wept and wept and wept

Well, luck came and died 'round here

I see my mother

The DWP see a number

She cries on the floor encumbered

I'm seventeen going under

When Willis was sent to prison, and then killed, Jason and Catherine were left to fend for themselves. As Catherine got sicker, a lot of her care and general responsibilities fell onto Jason. Maybe he also started to steal and move drugs to provide for them, which distressed Catherine greatly. The government doesn’t see Catherine as a person, she doesn’t qualify for any help, and the only help Jason can receive takes him away from her. It’s an impossible situation. This goes on until Catherine dies, and then Jason is totally alone.

[skayafair]

John and Agency

I'm gonna be feral about Malevolent about John, of course, who am I kidding here for some time (we're SO BACK, yaaaay a hyperfixation!) so buckle up.

Another recurring big theme I've noticed that got some developement after part 40 is John's agency.

The thing he has to struggle with for the most part of the story is that he's utterly powerless. A former god reduced to a mere voice inside a man's head an the sight of his eyes. An arm and a foot give some leverage but it's still less than a human even, let alone any supernatural being. And while John is ok with being human - he wants to, after all, - he's not even remotely okay with being less than.

He rarely talks about it, but it shows so painfully in the mines, when he managed to cut the monster's tentacle from Arthur's head. Arthur wasn't doing anything, he was too overwhelmed, and it was completely John's doing. He managed not only do something influential on his own accord, but also be helfpul and basically save them both. Just how happy he sounded about it sells everything one needs to know about how he feels most the time. And Arthur dares to call him a parasite and a passenger who just sits back and does nothing, ugh. Not blaming Arthur here, he was in another Situation, but. I'm JUDGING anyway >:( And later, when he stitched Arthur up - John was so frustrated at how little he was capable of and how much effort it took to do this.

Another time his frustration shows is when he's talking to Kayne.

John HATES Kayne with passion and doesn't hide this. That's a remarkable thing, actually, considering that he's also a very cautious person and is afraid of Kayne, feeling just how powerful this being is. John doesn't deal with fear well. Whenever he encounters something frightening, his first response is a freeze one. And Kayne scares the shit out of him. Yet, every time John refers to him, it's with very audible animosity. John knows full well how dangerous Kayne is and doesn't give a damn.

If he could, he'd have obliterated Kayne. But that's the thing - he's p o w e r l e s s. So many times John tried to threaten him in anger with "I'll- I'll- !" - only to fall silent, because, well, he can't do anything. Couldn't have, really, even if he still had full King's power. But this stark contrast with Kayne emphasises just how little John is actually capable of in his current state.

And in part 40 it was reinforced again. Only this time after his little developement.

I LOVE this new ability to manifest. YAY FINALLY! I had a Hellsalem's Lot a.k.a. Kekkai Sensen AU when he could do exactly that, so it made me laugh to actually see this in canon.

It should help. Now John can do more. We don't know how much more - is his manifestation only a vision or he can influence the material world as well? Can he manipulate people's minds the way Yellow could? (John would hate this.) In any case, this is still... something. Something real, something of his own. A way to show the word he actually exists, and not only as a voice inside Arthur's mind. All John's issues with this considered, it a great thing.

So, now he technically isn't powerless anymore. He has power. It's better, right? Right?

Well there's a catch.

John won't ever be happy to be more present if it's on Arthur's expense, and that's exactly the cost his new abilities come with.

So while technically he has more power now, it's a "last resort" kind of thing. He can't use it much because killing Arthur is not even in the realm of the things he wants.

Still... I think it should have been euphoric - even if only for a short moment - to gain it. To feel more capable. To have more power. It's not an insane amount, after all, and in John's case is a perfectly reasonable desire - more like a need.

But how painful and devastating it should have been to be reminded by Kayne that he's actually still just as powerless as he was before? That this new ability doesn't change much? Kayne knows where to hit and does it every time.

Like, we know John is more capable now, and it's really great! But that moment when he had to shut up because there was nothing to say to Kayne's "you what?" has hit me like a truck :''') That was painful, like a "know your place", and John couldn't bite back. He was already drowning in guilt and this just made things worse. I don't want to imagine how he's feeling after all this :''')

[dye-it-rouge-et-noir]

hi your 3 body posts are wonderful! wanted to ask, what do you think about deaths end as a whole, and cheng xin as a character? I feel like there's a bunch of debate on her choices in the novel lol I wish she was more compelling and less,, reactive to situations around her, but at the same time I feel like her hate is kind of unwarranted when it's just a symptom of kind of awkward writing

Hello and thank you! Glad you like my posts about this trilogy!! I placed this under the cut for length!

Death's End is personally a rather mixed entry for me in the trilogy. I do feel like there were interesting concepts hampered by Liu Cixin's misogynistic writing alongside other parts. I have a lot to say about that (I am still frustrated at certain aspects) but it's such a common point of criticism that I feel like I'd be repeating things others have said.

On another note, there's a comparison I would like to point out! This comparison led to the currently running thoughts I have about Death's End thematically. I'm a little obsessed with Luo Guanzhong's Romance of the Three Kingdoms presently (it was directly referenced in The Dark Forest!) after reading it recently. I think there's a common string of cycles with these two novels:

"The empire, long divided, must unite; long united, must divide. Thus it has ever been." - Luo Guanzhong

Here, these lines refer to the cycle of dynasties and how they continuously unite and divide. That sparked a thought about how similarly, the universe "divided" into lower dimensions then the matter was (attempted to be) united in the end. Though who knows if a similar division and reunification might be perpetuated once again in the case the big universe did unite?

Moreover, there's more elements of futility in Death's End that can be considered tragic on a grand scale. The fall of dark forest deterrence because of a collective decision. The majority of humanity in the solar system being unable to be saved despite its efforts. It's a contrast to the two other novels with Da Shi's speech about the endurance of insects and Luo Ji's conversation with the Trisolaran pacifist in the end. While some humans were able to live on in the end, Earthen civilization as we know it was wiped out.

This contrast is interesting to me and I personally liked the change in direction. However, I wish I could feel more satisfied with Death's End? I enjoyed it! Though, I wish I could have been able to enjoy it more.

I have much more thoughts about Death's End but I don't want to make this too lengthy since I want to get to Cheng Xin! She actually grew on me over time and I always got a bit defensive over her given how excessive her hate is. (By the way! There's a few Cheng Xin discussions on here that I enjoyed reading regarding her passivity and I highly suggest looking at them if you haven't already!)

She's a character I do like, but also understand why she sparks debate. Philosophically, I do recall people calling her viewpoints akin to Kantian Deontology (moral theory with an emphasis on rationality) in contrast to characters with more consequentialist ideas like Zhang Beihai or Thomas Wade. To expand upon that discussion, she does epitomize the Categorical Imperative (Wikipedia link) in some ways!

There's a universality formulation where it's essentially "would you want to live in a world where this action was universal law?" and a humanity formulation which is "do not treat people solely as a means" and focuses on respecting the rationality of others. Both of these do reflect her character I'd say! Her inability to press the button as swordholder is grounded in trying to preserve human life even if it meant the end of deterrence. Cheng Xin's adherence to her moral code of human preservation in favor of taking an action that would (at the time) produce better consequences is intriguing to me with this in mind. While I do wish this aspect of her character was executed better, I enjoy applying moral theories to the characters in the trilogy regardless!

[starseneyes]

Chenford REWIND- Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 5 - Ep 2, 3 & 4

Sitting here in a slight bit of disbelief that I'm writing another one so soon, but there have been pockets of time that have opened up in my life, and I'm going to take advantage before I run out, again!

Combining a little, here, because where we had 19 minutes plus of screen time in Episode 1, the number goes down considerably for a few episodes to off-set and focus on some other story lines/characters.

SPOILER ALERT: While I'm primarily writing these as though I were watching the episode for the first time, I will definitely spoil these episodes and MAYBE a little more (there ARE some nice points to reference as we go forward). Consider yourself forewarned!

Can Tim and Lucy untangle the mess of last episode's impulsive near-boinkfest? Let's dive in to find out.

Labor Day

"I'm positive your Sergeant will approve it?" "Yeah, he would, for sure. It's just, um, I have some things going on in my personal life right now."

There is so much to unpack, here. Let's start with Lucy's absolute surety that Tim would approve her going to the Undercover Academy.

When she first thought about pursuing Under Cover, Tim was totally against it. Yes, he has his own history regarding his ex-wife, but he also wasn't sure that Lucy could handle it.

Obviously, he under-estimated her, and he's repeatedly remarked on her doing a good job every time. "Not bad." "I thought she needed rescuing." "You're really good at this." Tim will approve it. No question.

The second is "I have some things going on in my persona life". Because, Chris immediately assumes he's the only roadblock to her happiness, at this point (and, Chris, honey, you are a roadblock... just not the one you think you are).

If you watch to the end of the episode, though, this isn't the only thing on her mind. Tim is, too. Not Sergeant Bradford, but Tim... the man.

They didn't get to finish their moment, and there's no way to take it back. In the flash of a moment, Lucy had to acknowledge her cheating ways and then register that the man she was cheating on was dying on her couch.

And what if that drove Tim away forever? What if that was her only chance, and now it's gone. What if it could have meant something, but she'll never have the chance to know?

Yeah... this is messy.

"How's Lucy?"

Hold the phone right there. Angela is asking Tim Bradford about Lucy.

In the past (especially post DOD), it was always Tim asking others about Lucy. He was the one on the outside who wasn't as close. Now, he's the mouthpiece for Lucy's state of being... and that's huge.

Tim has been in contact with Lucy. Maybe a call, but more likely text messages. But, however he's done it, he's been the one to check on her directly instead of going through someone else.

"Are you checking up on me" is now Tim reaching out to Lucy about Lucy. And that's huge.

"Uh, she's still a little shaken. Taking some time to get Chris settled." "Remind me what you were doing at her apartment... when you found Chris bleeding out."

Hermana! You are not giving this man any leeway and I am living for it!

Look, gossip gets around, but Angela's the only one who knows Tim's caught feelings for Lucy. It's unlikely any of the others would think Tim, who never stops seeing his Boots as Boots, would even consider boinking a Boot.

But Angela's different. She knows her Man of Honor better than most, and she has a feeling there's a reason behind Tim's presence in Lucy's apartment. "Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

"Just dropping her off after we got back from Vegas."

He leans into the truth. Honestly, that's the best thing you can do in a situation like that. But he knows she is fishing and he is hoping she will bite onto his lure away from the truth.

"Mmhmm."

Yeah, she's not biting, Tim.

"What are you implying?" "What do you think?" "I was just dropping her off." "Mmhmm."

Tim narrows his eyes at her, frustrated that she's now going along with his half-truth. Because, for goodness sake, this is messy.

Imagine Tim and Lucy don't get interrupted and they go through with it. Who would ever know? Tim goes his way. Lucy goes hers.

And then they'd have to deal with the inevitable emotional fall-out... but neither of them was thinking past that moment. They certainly never thought they'd have to explain it to others!

A Knock At The Door

Melissa O'Neil has some beautiful physicality to this scene, as she leans up to look out the peephole and sees Tim standing there. Gosh, is that indicative of her life, right now.

She has Chris. He's right here on her couch. But she wants Tim, and all she can do is glimpse him from outside her world. He's right there, but he's not inside... He's back on the other side of that threshold.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" "Just checking in. How you feeling?"

Look. At. Lucy. Her face screams, "Are you seriously doing this?!" This is likely the first time she's seen him since that horrible moment... the first time she's seen him wearing his own clothes and rocking his own hair (slicked back Tim was sleezy, I'm just sayin').

"Lucy's taking great care of me." "I have no doubt."

Tim's voice is so soft on this. I'll later come to identify it as his Velvety Voice... because he's talking about Lucy, the natural caretaker. The one who watches out for others. The one who sends food to her TO to help expedite his recovery.

Lucy is a beautiful caretaker, and a part of him wishes he was the one receiving her affection, right now.

Everything in him is aching to reach for her to offer comfort, right now, because he can see she is hurting. But his hands are firmly in his pockets, and have been since the second he stopped knocking.

"Can we talk?" "Yeah, sure."

He motions his head to the hallway, drawing her back out, across her own threshold. His voice is almost hesitant, and she doesn't know what they might discuss, but I think they both know their "almost" is going to come up.

She leaves the door open, probably to keep herself in check. And as she steps out, she and Tim are now standing in almost exactly the same positions as the last time they saw one another... standing at a threshold prepared to go in.

But, now they've both stepped back out.

"So, I, uh, I hear you're on the fence about going to UC school." "Chris called you?" "Yeah, which was expected. He wanted me to talk to you."

I love his little smirk on that. Not so long ago, his girlfriend called Lucy, and she wasn't phased a bit. But this is different for Tim.

Tim has feelings for Lucy, and that's making things complicated enough in this moment. Now, her "work in progress" is calling him to get him to nudge Lucy in the right direction? Because Chris trusts Lucy will listen to Tim.

Tim is Lucy's person. Man, these people are so bloody dense.

Because Lucy is standing before the man she truly wants to be with, and she's aghast that her stand-in cardboard cut-out is reaching out to the leading hunk in her life.

"It's not the right time." "He's gonna be fine. You owe it to yourself to go." "I know, but-" "What happened to him isn't your fault."

This is important. We're hearkening back to post DOD when Lucy ensured Tim understood Caleb wasn't his fault. But, the problem is that Chris isn't the only thing on Lucy's mind.

"We were about to." "But we didn't. We didn't."

Tim's shaking his head as he's speaking, volume dropping to barely above a whisper, pain in the assertion. I've thought a lot about this... and Tim's trying to assuage Lucy's guilt. He thinks she feels guilty. He thinks that is what is holding her back. Guilt.

But Tim is as wrong about Lucy as she was about Tim when he tried to talk to her in the hotel room. Lucy has had time to think about everything that has happened, and even as she is nursing Chris back to health, she's been thinking about Tim.

Yes, in that moment, they were both going for sex. But, here's the thing, Lucy thinks she's revealed herself to Tim. She thinks he's onto her feelings for him. And right now, she's trying to have the same discussion he wanted to have in the hotel room.

But they have this bad habit of not listening and instead assuming.

"Are you trying to get rid of me as your Gofer?" "No. No. I'm trying to look out for you."

Listen to how Tim's voice breaks. Look at how his face crumples. This is killing him. But he truly believes Lucy feels guilty about what almost happened. Maybe he worries his conversation in the hotel pressured her in some way.

But no matter what, he doesn't believe for a second that Lucy Chen has feelings for him.

He's had time to think this over, and over, and over. And every time he comes to the conclusion that she doesn't feel anything for him, and that she really wants to be with Chris. And Tim wants whatever makes her happy.

Lucy, in the meantime, is breaking. Tim rejecting sex was one thing. But now, as she's trying to talk to him about them, he's pushing her away. That's how she sees it, at least. Tim's pushing her to UC school. he's going to replace her as his Gofer. "Tim doesn't want me."

"It's time for you to move on." "And some time away would be good." "It's a great opportunity, Lucy." "Mmmhmm." "You should go for it."

She thinks he's using US school as a prop to reject her, to push her away, to separate them. And it hurts.

Lucy looks up to Tim's eyes, searching them for something to tell her that she's wrong, something that'll make her believe he means this for her good, truly. Something that says, "I'm not rejecting you."

But Tim turns away. Because this burns. He glances inside to see Chris on the couch, through that threshold Tim thinks he will never cross, again.

He barely glances back at Lucy... because the tears are already brimming in his eyes... and he can't let her see.

Lucy stands in the hallway in pieces. Because she wanted to talk to him. She had time to consider their actions, and she needed to know why he crossed that threshold. Was it just physical? Is there something more there for him, as there is for her?

But they're still talking past one another. Time will tell if they learn how to have an actual conversation.

Dye Hard

"I'd like to congratulate Officer Lucy Chen for successfully completing the DEA Covert Operations Training Academy, which is no small feat."

Tim is watching her the whole time, smiling at her accomplishment. It's no longer, "Your accomplishments are my accomplishments". Lucy did this all on her own.

And Tim is going to support Lucy however he can. Because, in his mind, that's all he can do, now.

Look, 5x01 was all over the place for Tim, emotionally. But in 5x02, he had time to consider what happened, and he has determined that he is Lucy Chen's biggest mistake.

Think about it. He knows how heartbroken she was after her ex cheated on him, then married the girl. From what he knows, Lucy has never cheated, and we know that he never has, either.

So, he has to think about what went wrong, and in Tim's mind... it was him. We know that's not right. We know how these two feel about one another. We know it was a lapse in judgment, not an absence of emotion.

But Tim grew up in an abusive household, with a father who likely blamed him for every beating. He was never good enough... maybe he questioned if anything about him was good.

He puts himself in harm's way every day to protect people, to help people, to put some good out in the world. But what did he do with Lucy? He led her down a path that left her guilt-ridden.

We know that's not true! But, Tim is keeping his distance from Lucy, now, in an effort to protect her... and himself. It's such a mess.

He doesn't even walk over to congratulate her. For all he know, he hasn't texted her since she left for UC school. They're both stuck in their heads thinking the other needs/wants space. A simple conversation would solve everything... but they're too hurt to even start it.

"He hasn't replaced you, yet, so he's happy."

Ouch. Lucy gives us quite a bit of insight into her head right now. She thinks Tim's unhappy, so Tim replaced her... and is avoiding her.

Her eyes land on him across the room, and he can feel her gaze. He looks back, but he has no idea what to say. Lucy breaks the eye contact, feeling even more lost than she did before.

"When did you last hear Chen on the radio?"

It's Lucy's first day back on the job since leaving for UC School, and Tim's hyper-aware of that. He's keeping a listening ear out for her, even if he would never admit it.

He jumps into action, immediately, to go rescue Chen... Chen... He said "Chen", didn't he?

In the past, Tim stuck to "Boot" or "Chen" with Lucy nearly all of the time. "Lucy" was a rarity. But, in 5x01, that's all he called her. He uses her name at the end of 5x02 during their breakup scene (thank God we got that out of the way...).

But once they're both back on the job, he's gone formal as a way to protect and distance himself. But that was before his woman was in possible danger.

"Chen? Chen!" "Yeah. Yeah, I'm in here!" "Hang on. The door is stuck." "No kidding." "You okay?"

Tim is looking at her not entirely like an SO, but more like an... SO. Oh, you know what I mean. He looks her over to make sure she's alright, and there's this softness to it that reminds me of how he looked at her in her apartment before they found Chris.

This is their first interaction since he encouraged her to go to UC school. And it's him rescuing her, again.

Getting to say, "You okay" is the first opportunity he's had to gauge how she is directly in weeks, and her brain is already firing on the Rosalind angle.

This episode is the peak of their era of discomfort. And we needed it. We needed to see how it looks when these two are pining and aching for one another, but not knowing the other wants them, too.

Sure, they could have skipped this era, but this is a huge transition for these two. Every step of this relationship has been earned. There are times he was in the wrong, and times she was in the wrong, and now they're both wrong.

The Choice

"I'd like to stay, too, and make sure Bailey's never down there by herself."

Tim glances back at her as she says it. Rosalind's acolyte... another... trapping another woman in a hole. But one thing I love about this is how Tim never once tells her to sit it out, or acts like she can't handle it.

Lucy once said if she couldn't handle Rosalind in a cage, she shouldn't be a cop. She also said that she knew Tim would help her if it got to her head. (and he protested... but... c'mon, we all know he's going to do it).

"Is John there? Lucy, where's John?"

Lucy looks up to Tim, unsure how to answer. He feels her glance and he kneels down, taking over. "If you need a cop, tag me in" comes to mind.

"Chen." "I'll go down." "No. There may be more traps. It's too dangerous. Just be ready to follow if it's clear." "Okay."

I get both perspectives in this moment. Lucy wants to help in every way that she can. She survived one of Rosalind's acolytes. She wants to do everything she can to help Bailey.

But Tim's not about to lose Lucy to Rosalind twice. He already has his gear in hand as he preps to go down. And he can't look at her.

Tim can't meet her eyes as they're arguing here about who should go down. The last time they were on opposite sides of an issue they were in the air and she kissed him out of nowhere. It's still too fresh.

He settles into position, and as he does he can't help but look up at Lucy—to find her staring back at him. And then neither can look away.

Because they both know that if there are more traps, this may be their last moment looking at one another.

It's the risks they take for their job, but sometimes when you face your own mortality directly (and I have a few times), you consider all the things left unsaid. These two have a lot left unsaid.

In classic YA romance style, Lucy seems to hold her breath until he disappears from sight, when she starts breathing, again.

The rest of the episode isn't Chenford-heavy (this episode isn't about them), but the fact that Lucy was the one to bring Bailey back? Oh, I'm in tears. Because not only did Lucy beat Rosalind's acolyte once by cheating her Day of Death, but she did it twice by saving Bailey.

Stopping here with these three. I feel like we really needed this episode for Tim and Lucy, though. This is the first episode they're working together, again, after things started to get weird. And they easily found their rhythm of leaning on one another, again.

They needed that. They needed to get here so we could get what we see in the rest of the season. If the avoidance had lasted too long, I fear it would have gotten tired and frustrating. Yes, Tim and Lucy aren't yet ready to talk about them, but they're talking, again. Even if it's only work-based, they're talking, again.

And that gives us what we need to get into "The Fugitive". But that, quite literally, is another Meta.

As always, thanks for reading!! This has been a lot of fun!j

[umbreerie]

𝕺𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖍𝖆𝖚𝖑 ; Random thoughts.

More cringe about this terrible brain worm but I wanted to mention, basically I've been thinking a lot about Kai and Eri.

Specifically the fact that Kai was kind of forced to be Eri's adoptive father. She was given to him after she was abandoned by a woman that would probably, technically, be Kai's adoptive sister and it wasn't Kai that ever wanted this. Moreover, he was directly instructed by pops to experiment on Eri and find out what exactly her quirk was / how it worked.

Which, as a side note I think is interesting and I think it makes Overhaul's own frustrations towards pops not supporting him on his "plan" make a lot of sense. Because Pops was the ultimate reason Kai was on that path in so many ways.

Like, imagine you've been groomed to take over this criminal organization and lead it into the future, an organization thats been struggling since long before you were even born, the man who helped and supported you and made his dream of making things better for the organization your own and even gave you the tool to make everything right again and remove all those struggles.... Suddenly just says no right when you're on the verge of making it happen. I'm not saying Pops was wrong for NOT wanting to use Eri this way BUT he def is to blame for Kai ever getting to that point in the first place.

And no, see I think the thing here is... I've already mentioned Kai protects some things on to Eri and I have a whole headcanon about how Kai was experimented on as a child too in a similar way. But I think Kai's unkind and callous treatment of Eri is kind of a combination of Kai's projection onto Eri and a deep resentment he feels for being forced to be her carer in the first place. Keeping in mind Kai did nothing to get himself saddled with a whole child. Looking after Eri was NOT Kai's decision or interest in anyway. Eri was not Kai's responsibility like that. And being forced to "look after" a child you're not ready or willing to look after can be its own unique kind of trauma.

But I feel like this is kind of... An overlooked struggle because the only point of reference most people have for this situation is parents who are stupid enough to have children they don't want which makes it easy enough to ultimately see this as the parents fault and place blame and shame on them regardless, there's not really a lot of point of reference for people who are forced into parenthood who didn't do anything to put themselves there. And this wasn't a situation that could be remedied by saying "no" or giving the kid to someone else, especially in Kai's situation. He was directly ordered by his oyabun to take this child on AND find out exactly what her quirk was and what was going on with it. Being suddenly given a child was probably daunting enough but given a child who has an unknown and insanely dangerous ability that allows her to wipe people she's in contact with out of existence is surely a whole other thing. We're also pretty much told this is the reason Kai had to keep "disassembling (killing) Eri". It was the only way he knew how/could stop her rewind.

But Kai can't let himself blame pops, because pops was the man who saved him ━ but who can he blame ? Eri's mother left the organization and ran away - the only person left to "blame" for this is Eri.

Like at the end of the day, Eri was a small child whose care was forced on the shoulders of a deeply traumatized and neurotic individual who clearly hadn't healed from any of his own shit and never possibly could have given the environment he was in so of course it was a terrible tragedy but AT least Eri did end up getting a happy ending.

Kai on the other hand.... Not so much. And no, maybe he didn't deserve one but, imo, he was at the very least terribly wasted as a character and I think we should have seen a lot more from him and his ultimate conclusion was kind of ass, along with pretty much all the other incredibly cool, complicated and fun villains Hori made.

[2dieavirgin]

how do you manage to stay so inspired to draw the same character a million times in a million different ways..... if i cant get it right first go i always just give up on them and they end up just smashing around my brain forever with no outlet :(

autism. no im just kidding (im not) but if i dont do it who else will!!!! thats my carrot on a stick. i HAVE to draw chase as mary magdalene because nobody else is crazy enough to do it for me. and its also fun to see how the interpretation of the character changes! my first chase drawings on paper look. honestly very little like chase. but thats half the fun of it! seeing how it slowly improves, or maybe it doesnt look like him at all the longer i draw him but it looks like how i feel he should look. if that makes sense. i dont think my chase drawings look like jesse spencer half of the time, but as long as i can kinda convey what i was going for im like hell yeah!

its soooo easy and normal to get frustrated with art, especially when something just Wont come out right. but, to me, the important thing is that you don't let that stop you from creating! art is about the process too, not just the result! you don't like how it came out the first time? that's fine! try again later, maybe on a different medium, or at a different place, or with a different reference, and you would not believe how much that helps. there's been times where i thought i'd be art blocked for LIFE and all i had to do was just.. maybe draw on my living room instead of drawing on my bed, or use colored pencils instead of pens. you know just keep the creative water flowing so you dont cultivate a swamp in your brain.

i think i got mega sidetracked but that's basically it.t o be fair tho it is mostly the autism that just makes me so attached to characters . chase isn't the first, or last time that this has happened. i'm just a big fan of putting guys in situations

[doin-just-fine]

What the brain doin?? PT. 6 of a questioning median system's journey

"Cloud's evening out"

Cloud fronted fronted for the first time a couple nights ago. This was the first time Cloud had been the dominant one fronting instead of myself.

I was hanging out with a member of my partner system who's basically an edgey rebellious teen, similar to Cloud. The goal that night was honestly for Cloud to just use me as the talking piece like usual. Cloud was already around because these two have hung out before but not formally, but Cloud liked the vibe last time and wanted to do a formal hang out at some point. So with him around I could tell that he definitely had influence over my emotions and certain attitudes but the power over that would fluctuate based on how interested Cloud was in what was happening. Like when me and our friend were just chatting about life and poking fun at each other Cloud was less interested in those conversations but if we switched to a topic that has been stressing out our trauma response Cloud would perk up and get closer because this was something he had big opinions about.

The music was right, the vibes were right, and all we needed was something that would make Cloud want to contribute to the vibe. We started talking about a situation that has been going on and our friend was airing out some grievances and Cloud wanted join in and talk about the stuff that been frustrating him about the situation. Once we started talking about the right stuff it felt like a smooth transition into being different. And thats accurate to how it felt, like me but different, in the weirdest way.

Like I said I'm always up front, and twice now I've ridden shotgun in the front this being the second time. With the little one I was still very much in control because they didn't seem to know what they were doing up front. But Cloud seems to know what he's doing up front so it was like I was just kinda waiting. Like when you're on a phone call with someone on speaker and someone else in the room starts talking to the person on the phone. Like it's your phone call and you're just kinda waiting for it to be your phone call again but currently someone else is using your phone call. I was kinda just waiting around for it to be my phone call again. I got to hear everything and be around for it all but didn't tune in too hard because it wasn't my phone call conversation to be apart of.

OBSERVATIONS: I will say there was a distinct difference in me being front holder and matching our friends energy and vibe VS Cloud being the front holder and just naturally having those vibes. When it was just me and our friend hanging out I would tune into myself to figure out how much of it was me and how much was Cloud. Like I said, Cloud had fluctuating influence over my attitude and emotions and I could make the distinction when it was just me, but when he was around that distinction went away.

Usually if I'm holding the front and someone is co-con, if I voice something for them and it mentions me in the 3rd person, saying it will feel weird. For most of my time questioning if I'm a median system, 3rd person language has felt weird because I'm always fronting. Not this time. This time I noticed that when Cloud would talk about me in the 3rd person it didn't feel weird to him.

I'm specifying that it didn't feel weird to him because I could feel myself farther back like how I usually experience my head-mates being around. Kinda there but just slightly next to you. I'm guessing I felt the my emotions distance through Cloud feeling them like how I usually do with him, and I could feel his feelings were more forward than my own. I could feel that to him referring to me in the 3rd person felt right but I could still feel myself finding it weird but it just felt duller and farther away.

Cloud could also tell that I was observing and "taking notes" everything that was happening and was actively making fun of me for it and got mildly annoyed about it because my observations were getting in the way of him being able to focus on hanging out. Because of this I couldn't take too many notes. The only other thing I noticed were the differences between myself and Cloud. My body language changed: I was really bouncy and couldn't sit still but he stuck with one position (to be fair he also gained a cat on his lap so). My opinions changed: I love cats and would have been thrilled to have a cat on my lap but Cloud was very neutral and if anything mildly annoyed by the cat (to be fair our friend we were hanging with is also like that so I'm not sure if Cloud was just copying behavior patterns to match their energy or not). My filter changed: When Cloud was out he had stronger opinions that I would typically try to keep to myself and deconstruct/questions before voicing them but Cloud would just say them. Use of phrases change: Phrases I typically would say would still be said out of habit almost but Cloud would notice that he would never actively choose to say those words in that order. He said something about needing to "spice up" his aesthetic and then actively hated that he just said spice up.

Once the hang out was deemed over we realized that I was trying to hard to observe and take notes on this experience and that I was kinda holding Cloud hostage because I wanted to keep taking notes making it really hard for him to leave. We decided that my partner would switch back in (because that alone would probably help) so they could help us switch out because not only was I holding Cloud hostage unintentionally, but he also expressed that he didn't know how to leave.

When my partner was out heres what I noticed: Cloud got shyer but tried to play it off. Saying "nice to meet you" didn't feel weird, and when my partner offered him to rest our head on their knee Cloud felt weird about it and chose not to. My partner switched the music to something more my style and Cloud really didn't like it and made fun of me for it.

I asked my partner what they thought/observed: They observed many of the things I mentioned here. They noticed that where I would normally push back with their alter in a teasing way on certain things they would say or do, Cloud would either make no comment or agree. I feel like that's in the same vain of Cloud having less of a filter. They were saying it was like a different version of myself where certain aspects of me were cranked up more. They mentioned that this is similar to their experiences with plurality.

Bonus observation: After I came back to being the front holder I could still feel Cloud really close by. I couldn't tell if it was just weird for us to actively think about switching instead of it happening subconsciously so he was like "caught on the chair" if you will or if it was that I was still holding him hostage a bit afterward. But we went to bed almost immediately after we switched around and I noticed that the next morning I could still feel Cloud being closer than usual. It didn't help that a hour after waking up, the situation that Cloud feels strongly about was stirred up some more, but that next day it felt really easy for him to slip in and I had to fight it off. Once my ADHD meds kicked in it got easier which was interesting.

AMNESIA: It's not like I don't remember the events that occurred while Cloud was holding front but it's like the memories are harder to recall. When I was discussing this with my partner they reminded me that our friend and Cloud agreed to hang out again when ever they could next and when reflecting on that it was from a 3rd person perspective. For me, only my old memories are in 3rd person POV. So for a fresh memory to be that way is weird. I also don't look like me in the memory but idk if that actually means anything.

I'm not sure what to make of this myself. I think I'm gonna try having Cloud hang around my partner who is very different personality wise and see how it effects or doesn't effect his behavior, as well as seeing if I can bring him out to the front like that by myself by finding other things that draws him out and not just talking about things that make him angry/protective. I will say if Cloud truly is a facet and not just me giving myself permission to feel and express specific negative emotions, he is very much a protector type. He pretends like he doesn't have opinions or that he doesn't care about anything but he does and when he does its intense. I also forgot my plan. I planned on trying to "turn around in the chair" the next time I was pushed to co-pilot instead of pilot and I totally forgot so we shall see next time, if I remember.

As always, Asks are welcome whether its questions, comments, or your own experience!!!

[kimberlyannharts]

LAST TIME ON RANGER ACADEMY - Sage and her friends took their big Buzzfeed "what ranger color are you?" quest to varying amounts of success - but the (apparently) worst outcome was given to Sage, who morphed into Green, a color that literally no one has ever been throughout the entire franchise.

Right?

It's Ranger Academy #5!

= is the story gay? the story sounds pretty gay

= see even Nika's like "Sage, there's literally only been like. three evil Greens in history. what are you talking about"

= heterosexual jumpscare

= SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE TEACHERS OR THE SCHOOOOOOL the guidance counselor has such a unique design for a Sirian and I don't even know their name or their gender or even if they're supposed to be the same Sirian that teaches in the Red Campus (I assume not, since this seems like the Pink Campus??? but again we have no idea because we have no idea how the campuses operate and differ beyond their colors!!!! That being said, if they aren't the same one in Red Campus, then this school hires a lot of Sirians. Remember Crueger was here too. Aren't they supposed to be kind of dead.)

= anyway someone save Hot Dad already so we get the whole "Rhianth learns Ranger Academy is great actually" stuff out of the way

= oh we are setting up that mandated lesbian breakup, i KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!

= the first real look at the Ranger Academy morph sequence and suits, for easy reference. Like I've said before, they're fine. At this point I'm more interested in the weapons situation for each color. If Pink gets a bow and arrow because "Pink Rangers are good archers" i'll literally lose it

= Tula officially #cancelled for not recognizing the validity of adopted families

= after mulling around a bit on this panel I'm going to assume that these "famous parents" will mostly be OCs, considering a) as I've posted before, there are clearer hints in this issue that this takes place far in the future, so even if we can bring in canon show characters due to time travel or whatever they would not be "parents" so much as "ancestors" and b) the book hasn't discussed yet what exactly a Ranger Academy graduate Ranger does after they leave school, so Parent Weekend would be the right time to bring that up. These kids are all just fucking nepo babies

= However I still live in fear of them randomly going "guess what? Jen and Wes's kid goes to Ranger Academy" and never elaborating

= Sage you're the protagonist in a magic school story. You will literally never have normal problems.

= Like I said before, I'm glad this issue kind of put Tula's character back on track after she was a little too antagonistic in the last few issues.......it was like they suddenly had some kind of rivalry, like when Jason and Tommy wo

ohhhhhhhhh...........

[guildtree]

EXCEPT IT'S WEDNESDAY BECAUSE I DO WHAT I WANT

Anyways, this is meant to be an opportunity for writers to do a "behind the scenes" look at one of their fanfics, something I've wanted to do for a while. I'm choosing Left Behind, my story about Taimi and Marjory becoming friends while recovering from Balthazar, because not only is it my first posted fanfic and one I still love, but because GOOD LORD does it have a story behind it.

So here's the tale: I wrote this thing in October of 2022, shortly after essentially dropping out of college. COVID had knocked me flat on my ass both mentally and physically, so I was still recovering from a pretty severe health crisis/depressive episode and had very little to do with my life. I'd started writing fiction again after a few years of not doing it at all. And then my uncle calls me up and says, "Hey, I'm going to Europe for three weeks, I know you're not busy, would you like to catsit my two kittens while I'm gone? I'll pay you." Obviously, I jumped at the chance to cuddle cute fluffy animals and earn money for it. Easy, right?

WRONG. First off, these kittens were not tiny fluffballs, they were five-month-old former-stray terrors that hadn't been fixed yet and still had tons of nervous energy. They caused chaos whenever I wasn't watching. Second, it took all of half a week for them both to somehow get sick with gonorrhea (honestly, they'd probably had it before and the symptoms just hadn't shown up yet). If you've never had to deal with two hyperactive, aggressively cuddly kittens with diarrhea ... be thankful. It was a disaster. Between taking them to the vet, giving them medicine regularly, cleaning up after them, and making sure they didn't break anything important, I wound up over at my uncle's house way more than I'd expected. Eventually, I just started dragging my laptop along so I could sit on the couch and write for hours while keeping the little fuzzy troublemakers in the corner of my eye.

I'd had the idea for Left Behind for a while - ever since I'd heard that little achievement line where Taimi mentions that Marjory's been calling her a lot and, "it seems like she's kinda lonely." (Which like, Marjory? Lonely? What? But then it clicked for me that she's not only alone, she's alone and injured, and she's probably feeling frustrated about not being able to do anything, much like Taimi has felt over several arcs, and ohhhhh... I can make them friends.) But I'd also be deluding myself if I said that nothing about my situation while writing bled into my work. I mean, I certainly had a good perspective on how much medicine sucks, and how hard being a caretaker can be, especially when the people (or cats) you're taking care of aren't cooperating! There are references to Taimi and Marjory being up at ungodly hours because I was up at ungodly hours trying to find the very small, pitch-black kitten who was hiding in the house somewhere because she really did not want to take her medicine. Some of the more out-there comedy is definitely influenced by that sleep deprivation as well.

But on a more serious note: I think the reason why my first posted story is at it's core about recovery and finding camaraderie in that recovery is because those were the things I needed at the time too. I mentioned that in October I was just starting to come out of a nasty depressive episode? I do mean just starting. I didn't feel good, I merely felt not terrible, which was a significant improvement but still didn't feel like enough. I think, consciously or not, I put a lot of my own hopes, wants, and frustrations into these characters. Hidden in Marjory's rage at feeling useless are a lot of my own frustrations about how my depressed brain simply wouldn't let me do things sometimes. In Taimi's fear of being forgotten are my own anxieties about how in taking a break from college I'd ruined my whole future. And their entire story of healing, growing closer, and finally moving on was what I wanted for myself most at that moment: a way out, a new start, and people who could understand and help me through all of that.

I wrote that entire fic over the three weeks I was catsitting, fending off kittens who wanted to step on my keyboard and chew my laptop wires the whole time. I finished a few days before my uncle was due to come home from Europe, and I was so exhausted and annoyed at that point, I was just like, "You know what, FINE, this is pretty good, why don't I post it." So I did, and then I went to go give the cats their meds and fall asleep, and when I woke up the next day there were 11 comments waiting for me, and I learned that people actually might like my writing and what I had to say. And now here we are 8 months later, I'm in a much better place, I've got a little community of friends and people who like my stuff, and writing has been a valuable hobby that brings me accomplishment and happiness. All because of my uncle's sick kittens xD

This got long, but it was a story I've wanted to tell for a while, so as always: thank you for reading.

[cherubchoirs]

i'm fucking. whagshjqgdjshdb first of all i'm obsessed with ur supercomputer au it's SO sick!! but second, now that p5r has been ported to pc i've been able to play it again n i've been LAMENTING how little the actual game did with yaldabaoth? but it's inspired me to do as i do n create ocs to remedy lack of character exploration lmao n i've settled on this idea to create a kind of "daughter" for yaldabaoth? the gist of it is that he created her by separating part of himself into its own being, n she comes from the distorted desires of humans who essentially know things are wrong n have the desire to change them but are still afraid of rocking the status quo? she's essentially another variable in his "game," as well as a way for him to attempt to quell any feelings of regret or remorse within him (since. a being created from human desires shouldn't be able to separate himself from them, but). n ultimately, his plan for her is to reabsorb her into himself at the culmination of his power, to prove that humanity's desire for change is still too weak to challenge him, but she ends up defying him n their resolution is that he regrets the way everything played out n the ultimate culmination is that even though he is a "god", bc he is born from humanity he could never completely rid himself of things that make up human psyche. also i wanted to explore the possibility for him to genuinely care about humanity through her; since she's technically a piece of him, n it's just got me thinking about everything n the fact that like. in canon he pushed akira so hard n the ultimate conclusion of the game to be like. "well, anyways!" after everything was SOO frustrating bc there was literally no reason for him to orchestrate things the way he did if there wasn't also So Much More To It

HOOTIN AND HOLLERIN...YEA!!!! YOU GET IT!!

i totally also 100% believe there just...HAD to be more when it came to yaldabaoth and i think he was cheated out of getting his development, esp when you consider his relationship with akira as well as the similarities the two of them share. they develop a social link together that culminates in yaldabaoth offering a place by his side, and how they reflect one another is actually interesting: they're both of the fool arcana, they both have a shapeshifter and faceless motif, and akira's ultimate persona is yaldabaoth's son. generally speaking, the big bad god isn't so deeply connected to the main character so like. what happened!!! he's also built up as such a major presence in akira's life, he's his guiding adult figure, and they've created a bond as deep as the ones akira shares with his closest friends. it's such a fantastic setup, to have the protagonist so unwittingly close with the final antagonist and then????? THEY DO NOTHING WITH IT??????? it's honestly so bizarre that how personal this all is is NEVER addressed by the narrative whatsoever since what's the point otherwise???

BUT to get back on track, it really would have been SO nice for yaldabaoth to have more of a connection to the human consciousness. i’m bringing it up again i know, but that’s why i really loved how the anime had him refer to himself as “us” and “we” in his grail form - i think there’s a yaldabaoth that is individual (god) and a yaldabaoth that is collective (grail), with the collective sort of being his base form. he becomes something else with a sense of identity, but yal is ultimately forged from the desires of humanity and he responds to it. i really wish there would have been more acknowledgement of his situation, where he has grown into a god only because it was wished for - he is an amalgamation of desire and so many people were being crushed under the weight of societal pressure that he became a god to answer prayers. and yaldabaoth has disdain for humanity, but imo his solution isn’t meant to be a punishment, it’s just what he believes is the best way to solve the problem. ALL THAT TO SAY...i would love for him to be able to play off of a character that represents all of that for him skdfhdg like to acknowledge that he obviously has feelings about all of this and he’s not at all divorced from it would add a lot...and i esp like the idea for her character because yaldabaoth admits that there are good people out there, but so many of them do nothing or are otherwise looked over, and i just think that line isn’t talked about enough!!! ALSO also i just like thinking that she’d be a character throughout the game...and the reveal would be really good aaaa!!!

[marvelousmop]

Mop's 2023

So, what have I gotten up to this year? Let's talk about this for far too long.

Jenny Over-There:

(Art by the [Complimentary Adjective] @aristidetwain)

Despite my initial assumption that Jenny Over-There would just be a one-off character I'd never used again, "Jenny Over-There - The 925 Universe" went on with five main-line stories, + 1 spinoff in the form of The Rhino Tower, and +2 Appearances in Arcbeatle Press Anthologies (The Cosmology of Sherlock Holmes and, more recently Coloth: Book of the Snowstorm)!

Over the course of the year, she's been relented to several frustrating situations including phone calls, a fake kidnapping (which I suppose is a step up from the real kidnapping that happened earlier), taking up the Man in Grey's job for the day and, worst of all, being relegated to the role of Side-Character in Lawyers and Tigers and Bears.

Speaking of, that Man in Grey sure did go through some developments, didn't he... There's some domino meme you could make that starts off with "Writing a novelisation featuring bootleg Cybermen" and ends with "Writing a human-presenting entity dating a giant humanoid mantis man"... Good for him!

The weirdest consequence of this has to be how this affected Doctor Know-It-All's character, since, in the Oz series, Professor Wogglebug is enlarged by a character named "Professor Nowitall" which, you may notice, is basically the same name... so Doctor Know-It-All is the Wogglebug's adoptive father now. Good for him! But this also changed the Professor's standing in Oz society, somewhat, since Oz does tend to put magic users in higher positions of power, which lead to the retcon in Lawyers and Tigers and Bears where it's revealed the Professor basically just asked his father to undo his banishment (as seen in A Series of Queer Events). Good golly.

Jenny Everywhere:

For the first time, I wrote about the OG Jenny in celebration of Jenny Everywhere Day! While The Rhino Tower features quite a few connections to the 925 Universe (featuring the 925 Universe's Jenny Everywhere, the Conan parody rendition of Grant Farrel/Thor, and even Albrecht D. Whipple, while not actually being from the 925 universe, is the nephew of the wizard cult leader, Artemas H. Whipple), I intended it to be readable without that knowledge.

Similarly, while it is a loose parody of the Conan story The Elephant in the Tower, it very much can be read without knowing that story (or indeed some of the other stories it references, including The Alchemist by H.P. Lovecraft, and The Black Tower by R.H. Barlow, the latter of which I wouldn't even reasonably expect anyone to get).

Also, I did a cover for it! Don't know where that blast of mild artistry came from, but I do know I haven't seen it since.

Work that has actually seen a competent editor:

While my talents certainly haven't gotten me far this year, I can always depend on Arcbeatle Press. For the April Fools anthology The Cosmology of Sherlock, I contributed two segments: Sherlock Versus Herlock (wherein Sherlock Holmes and Watson encounter Herlock Sholmes and Wilson) and Dark Dealings (wherein Watson takes a sponsorship deal from the Man in Grey - this was also referenced in Annals of the Jen).

More recently, I wrote the story Jenny Over-There's Wonderful Life for the anthology Coloth: The Book of the Snowstorm, wherein Jenny encounters a slightly overzealous angel who shows her just what the world would be like if she was gone (and if you think that sounds unoriginal, don't worry, I'm still working on a Christmas Carol pastiche).

I also contributed two pieces to the The Crew of the Copper Colored Cupids series: Crash Bang Wallop (a very very very very loose Fight Club parody - more of the book's writing style than anything), and Cupid Fact File - 150 Chaotic Crew of the Copper-Colored Cupids Chortlers (inspired by a video I saw of this terrible joke book claiming to somehow have "Over 150 Great Pizza Jokes" - you can tell they were really stumped on how to live up to this promise, since three of the jokes have the premise of throwing a pizza into a lake, with the punchline being a lake pun).

What's Next?

I wasn't joking about doing a Christmas Carol retelling, I am writing that one... and it's going to be a big one. And it's not really Christmas-related (unlike last year's "A Very Jenny Over-There Christmas"), so I feel comfortable just releasing it whenever it's finished. Hopefully soon.

It's also been advertised in the back of a few Arcbeatle Press books at this point, so I guess I can comfortably say that I have written for Academy 27 Season 2! I won't say much about this story, except for it being a sequel to "Hall Pass".

Of course, I never plan too far, but I do have hopes for what 2024 will bring. I hope I get to work with more of the wonderful associates I've met since I started writing professionally, and I hope I get to know some of the newer faces that have popped up recently. I hope I stay creative, even as my life gets busier, and I hope this output reaches people and they enjoy it. I know there's such a thing as just writing for yourself, but also I do want my work to be seen by an understandably small audience that gets a quick chuckle. I hope I read more, and I hope that the price for miscellaneous baked goods goes down.

Happy New Year (but only to people who could be bothered to read this far)!

[she-likesorchids]

I'm going with anon on this although I am a regular reader of your works/blog. It's in reference to a recent blog post about feeling like people find you annoying, etc. I don't know if you're referring to online interactions or F2F with people, but I'm sorry you feel that way.

FWIW, you're being awfully hard on yourself. I suppose it's easier said than done to relax that inner voice, but at the same time, perhaps people do not find you annoying at all? Not sure of the social situations to which you refer, but those cover a lot of ground when you think about it. For example,, chatting with acquaintances about one's passions is slightly different than friends. I am awful with reading cues from people (F2F) and then in text, there is the whole issue of reading tone and intent. Perhaps in the interactions, there are contextual communications that make you feel one way but the person(s) don't believe you're that way at all. Or, there are issues of which you are unaware that are making the communication difficult (for example, I had a personal loss that I didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone too far outside of my social circle, but it did affect my ability to be a good listener on occasion so my attention was divided. I sometimes think that the old way of going into mourning helped with such types of interactions)

Anyway, I hope you don't interpret this as me telling you how to feel. Far from it. You feel the way you feel because that is what humans do. Feel. What I am attempting to relate is to encourage you to not give up on social interactions because it could just be that there are plenty of people who share your passions or enjoy listening to you describe your passions (it can be contagious you know!) or whose cues are being misinterpreted. Or, not. I suppose there are enough assholes or people who don't listen very well--we've all run into those types. But, those people are missing out on some really great conversations aren't they?

Sorry for the length of the 'ask.' I have a friend (not on Tumblr) who frequently calls me and one of the first things I used to do (and still do although nowadays she pre-empts me with a 'I need to vent') was ask her if she needed a problem solved or if she needed to vent. The reason being was that sometimes we just need someone with which to share our frustrations but not go into the 'here is what you might try mode.' Both can be positive interactions or negative depending upon the perspective of the two and I always liked to get that squared away so we weren't at cross purposes if that makes sense.

I wasn't sure if you were venting or otherwise, but again, FWIW, you matter and so do your feelings. Take care.

Heya nonnie!

Sorry it has taken me a few days to respond, you gave me alot to think about, lol.

Honestly, since no one interacted with that post, I didn't think anyone saw or cared, so thank you for making me feel valid and seen. It means alot.

I guess it's a combination of both online and IRL interactions. It's hard to make friends as an adult, and I am at the age where everyone has kids, and I am child free by choice, so I feel excluded from my real life friends quite a bit. I know people are just busy, and that's probably it, but my stupid brain just thinks everyone hates me.

The fact is, I am just lonely. Being disabled and chronically ill is incredibly isolating, and having online friends I interact with helps tremendously, but I just end up feeling like I'm bothering people.

I appreciate your very kind words, and the encouragement. This is something I have been working through with my therapist, and it's getting better, but I still have bad days.

Much love to you and anyone reading this!

[thinkingsofthings]

Closing Doors pt1

Hi Leta, I've decided to start putting names in this blog because my memory isn't so good and from reading older posts I'm not sure who I'm referring to in some posts (which is kind of scary and embarrassing) though I know I'll never forget that I'm writing about you in this post. Before I get started I can't believe it's been six years since I've last posted here! Kind of crazy that my emotions felt in check enough that I didn't feel the need to write anything and boy was it cringy reading some of my old posts but at the same time it also helped me know that I would be able to get through this situation. A lot has happened in the past 6 years and despite not posting it here I've experienced deep feelings ranging from loneliness, love, lust, completeness, anxiety, stress, happiness, annoyance, frustration, and so much more. I'm glad-ish to be back here though I wish it were under better circumstances. Also reading through my old posts, I can't believe I wrote ~6 posts about Alisa, what a wild learning experience and time to be alive. I wish I wrote some posts while we were together to remember all the great times so this blog wouldn't be just the sad/tougher times of my life.

I knew this day would come, that you were way more likely to move on before I was. Ironically Kyle quoting 'Don't be sad about what you lost, but be grateful for what you had' about something totally irrelevant to us is the attitude I'm trying to best adopt. I've mostly used this blog to vent and as a way to release any negative emotions or thoughts so just the fact that I didn't post anything about you during the past 3 years shows how healthy of a relationship we had/have. I know I'm supposed to be remembering why we broke up as a way to help me move on emotionally but my emotions are overriding my ability to remember the reasons or to consider them valid. The only reason I can think of right now is that I know you're not looking for a long term partner so even if we got back together we eventually would most likely break up again. Despite knowing that, if you were to move to Vegas today or decide to join my climbing circuit tour I would 100% date you again at this moment. You are my safe space, my home, and there's no one else that I feel more comfortable being my self around. You are probably the only person who I feel like has truly accepted me as a whole despite my flaws. I always appreciated that you never tried to change me, but you cared so much about wanting the best for me and encouraging me to live up to my potential so I could have even more happiness. When we first started dating and I found out you were a personality type 1 I was super nervous that you would hold me to an impossibly high standard and we'd have a toxic relationship like I did with my college ex. Instead you saw positive attributes in me that I didn't see in myself and always lifted me up. After my last relationship I thought I was incapable of being in a healthy relationship because I was too selfish and unworthy. In reality I was probably too scared to jump into something again and if it weren't for you pushing us to try something together I would have missed out on 3 wonderful years of growth, love, and making core memories together. I've told you this before but after Alisa I became an anxious/avoidant mess and you built me up to be secure again and made me a better person. Even when things rarely weren't perfect and I was annoyed at the pace of how you lived life or felt like I wasn't getting enough attention, it still felt so natural and at home being with you.

I think I'm really struggling to let go because I really don't want us to become strangers again. It's hard for me to even remember a time in Chicago that we weren't close and you've brought me the most joy out of anyone/thing over the past 6 years. I'm really holding onto this quote that 10.5 years ago that I blogged was BS but I really want to believe that this will hold true with you

“Well, I think that when you have a connection with someone it never really goes away you know, you snap back to being important to each other because you still are” -Alex Vaus

Most of me is ready to transition into being back to platonic friendship with you but even through a good chunk of our friendship I had a crush on you. I believe that we're not going to be faking any sort of friendship and whatever our relationship develops into next will be genuine. It's going to be hard for me emotionally, but I really do want to transition into being legitimate good friends and think that's possible over time.

All this to say that I'm starting to move on, but not moved on enough to fully close the door. At this point if you wanted to jump back into limbo I would agree to do so in a heartbeat even though I know that's not the best option. The door is closing, but as of today there's still a crack and even when it is closed I'll leave it unlocked.