#admittedly the first one i was bullshitting it because i need them as filler for the rest of the art

[drenched-in-sunlight]

I'm so angry that your art is causing me to develop a crush on Iguazu 😭

believe it or not ... same.

every day i ask God why tf i yassified Iguazu and Snail ...

(this is 1 month after ac6 release vs after first NG)

[inkblackorchid]

What the hell happened with Crow: an autopsy (Part 2)

Hope you didn't think I'd forgotten about this post yet. Lads, ladies, and other lovely people, here we go. I have more yelling about bird boy to do.

But first, a few disclaimers. For people who may have missed part one, yes, as the title implies, this post is part two of an attempt to analyse Crow's character throughout 5Ds' whole run. You can find part one here. Now, both for people who may not have the time/energy to read my first, huge post about this right now, let me explain what I'm about here before we start again: My analysis is not meant to deter people who like Crow from liking him. It's also not meant to convince Crow haters otherwise, even if I admittedly personally like Crow. All of this stuff is just my personal attempt at dissecting how his character was handled in the show and why that might have been. And because this is part two, and I covered the Fortune Cup and Dark Signers arc in the first post, I'll start with the pre-WRGP arc, then dig into the backstory Crow was given directly before the WRGP begins properly. Also, mind the length of this post. I'm physically incapable of writing short things.

I also feel the need to reiterate another thing before I really get into the meat of things again: If you were hoping to see any old rumours about 5Ds confirmed, this is the wrong post. In fact, thanks to the very thorough work of someone over on Reddit (another shoutout to @mbg159 here, who's the author of those posts), I know for a fact that literally all the big rumours surrounding Crow are one big pile of logistically impossible horseshit, and I think after so, so many years of people citing this nonsense, the fandom as a whole finally deserves to let these go:

No, Crow was not meant to be a dark signer, least of all the final boss of season one, and Blackwings were not the reason he got more screentime later.

No, Aki being sidelined was not the result of her irl voice actress' pregnancy.

Yes, I know these two posts are both a long read each, but I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am of these rumours. So even if you don't have time to read the stuff above, please take away this: The big 5Ds production conspiracy theories are. all. bullshit. Because, to put it in as simple terms as possible, none of them work out logistically. The events people have pretended affected the show's production in a major way all don't line up with the actual production timeline. So just can the rumours already. Please let them die. And no pitting Aki and Crow against each other on his post or because of this post, yes? I beg you, I am so tired. Ok? Ok.

All right, now we can get to the good part. In my previous post, I left off at the end of the DS arc. So, in what position is Crow at the end of the DS arc? He helped save the world by defeating Goodwin and got his very own signer mark after Rudger/Roman Goodwin's death.

And now, where is Crow at the start of the pre-WRGP arc?

(Bam. Delivery bird boy be upon ye.)

This time, Crow wastes absolutely no time coming back on screen. We see him again within the first episode of the second half of the show, and wouldn't you know it! He moved in with Yusei and Jack and the three of them have a funny, brotherly, bickering dynamic between them. Also, as a fun little add-on that is very much in line with his deeply Satellite, down to earth characterisation from the first half, Crow now works as a delivery driver to earn money for the household. That's all very nice and good.

But what is his role in the plot from here on out? Well.

First, a small note about the pre-WRGP arc. Though this arc is fun to watch because it gives us a lot of silly character interactions the show no longer found the time for once the WRGP started, the pre-WRGP arc really can't be said to bother with actual plot much. It's the known filler arc of 5Ds, and as such, Crow is not the only character who gets pretty much nothing plot-related to do during this arc. Thus, I'll only give a quick run-down of what he does get up to, just in case any of these tidbits end up showcasing a relevant aspect of Crow's character I might come back to later.

Furthermore, another thing that's pretty much obvious to everyone who's ever watched the show in its entirety but still bears mentioning: Crow gets a lot more screentime from this point on out. Technically. Why do I say "technically"? I'll get back to that further below. For now, just keep it in mind.

So, how does Bird Boy spend his time during the arc where the plot's on the back burner? To be honest, on the sidelines, mostly. Don't get me wrong, Crow's there. Most of the time. But he gets pretty much only two episodes where he's the focus, and both of those aren't exactly known for being 5Ds' most memorable episodes (even though I still like them both tbh, but I digress): For one, in episode 68, he gets to convince Bashford to move in with Martha so the depressed old man isn't spending his entire retirement living in a scrapyard.

(This episode's comedic moments are actually fairly solid. But those are just my two cents.)

And for two, in episode 85, Crow gets to bond with the boys' somewhat cranky landlady, Zora, by duelling some sense into her son, Lyndon. (Which also introduces us to a duelling tactic only Crow uses that we will later see again: Losing on purpose.)

(And here we can see Crow showing off his skills at dealing with petulant children.)

Now, do these two episodes where he gets to be relevant actually do anything for Crow? As a character? Debatable. If nothing else, they strongly reaffirm the values Crow represents which we were introduced to in the first half of the show, though. They reintroduce us to his stubbornness, to his (in comparison to Jack and Yusei) more playful nature, to his very Yusei-ish dedication to doing the right thing, to his penchant for spite, and to his strong sense of family and community and his belief that these two things shouldn't be abandoned unless you have a damned good reason for it.

You may notice that there's a sizeable gap between these two episodes. That's because those episodes are where we get the only smidgens of plot in this arc. Among them, highlights like Sherry's introduction, the first reveal of accel synchro, Aki's turbo duelling license exam, three separate story beats hinting at the machinations of the emperors of Iliaster (Luciano's little stunt with Rua and Ruka, Placido getting started on building a killer robot army, and the Jack double being unleashed onto NDC), and Bruno's introduction. So, here's the thing: Crow is technically present during most of those episodes, too, but he doesn't actually get to meaningfully interact with the plot-relevant elements. (Which is not to say he doesn't have nice moments here and there. He does get to bounce off the other characters, and, just as one example, helps Yusei and Jack upgrade Aki's duel runner, as well as help Yusei build Rua's duel board. Crucially, he doesn't get to do anything that later becomes plot-relevant, though.) Moreover, not one, but two characters who end up becoming major players in the series' finale are introduced here, which is relevant insofar as that Bruno and Sherry both end up needing a good amount of development before they can impactfully take their later roles. Now, I say this with nothing but genuine appreciation for both these characters, because I do like them, but I feel the need to point out what this means not just for Crow, but for pretty much everyone who isn't Jack or Yusei: Every minute of screentime that was dedicated to Bruno and/or Sherry was one minute less the writers could spend on the rest of the cast. This is not to say that time shouldn't have been spent on them, they needed it, especially because they were introduced so late, but it's something I do want people to keep in mind when talking about who got how much screentime and whether or not that time was well spent. (I also have a larger gripe with the definition of "screentime" in general, but more on that later.)

So when does Crow get to be relevant to the plot again, now that he's even a signer and all? Well, not until episode 94, when the WRGP arc has already started. (Note that I'm using the 5Ds episode list on wikipedia as a general guide for which arc and which season starts where. You can find it here.)

*Deep breath*

So. Episode 94.

(Pictured: One very scruffy dragon. Bird? Dragon-bird. Bird-dragon. You figure this shit out.)

That episode. The episode where Crow, who was awarded with the status of a signer during the finale of the DS arc, finally gets a dragon to match his mark. And the episode where we finally, finally, get some actual backstory for Crow that goes beyond his involvement with the Enforcers and childhood with Jack and Yusei. A backstory that's only Crow's own. Except. How do I put this politely...

This shit doesn't make a lick of sense. Neither the events in the duel between Crow and Bolger in the present resulting in Black-Winged Dragon's appearance, nor the Pearson backstory.

Now, I'm not saying this to step on anyone's toes. From a writing standpoint, I can even make a fairly reasonable guess as to why this episode/mini-arc is here, I think: As I mentioned in part one of this analysis, Crow was not only introduced very late, but also got very little backstory of his own, which set him apart from the other signers. Don't get me wrong, he did get some backstory—we know of his strong connection to Duel Monsters because he learned to read from cards, and we know of his involvement with the Enforcers/Team Satisfaction. Crucially, though, Crow doesn't really get a backstory segment that feels as unique to him as the others. Aki gets her tragic past with her parents and her powers, Jack gets his betrayal of Yusei, which also doubles as part of Yusei's backstory, who as the protagonist understandably gets the most backstory, and even the twins, though they are as always treated as one unit, get their very own segment about the time when Ruka was essentially in a coma. Meanwhile, Crow only has that one-off tear-jerker moment about learning to read from his cards and his being a part of the boys' duel gang, which, and I cannot stress this enough, is treated as more of a Yusei and Kalin/Kiryu backstory by canon than a Crow backstory. Thus, it makes perfect sense from a writing standpoint that the Pearson/Black-Winged Dragon mini-arc would be here. Crow, up until this point, has neither a backstory segment dedicated solely to him, nor a signer dragon to call his own. So, how do we solve this? Give him both in a strategic double-whammy! The math checks out. Unfortunately, the writing of said mini-arc... doesn't.

Now, look. The juicy question of whether Crow would have worked better as a non-signer or not, which I already discussed in part one aside, I personally don't hate what this backstory is trying to do. It's just that the whole Pearson-drama has some very notable, logical holes which I'll get into below. Furthermore, this is not the first time something related to Crow has some unfortunate, logical and/or chronological issues. I already brought up the infamous fridge and Rex Goodwin's rather confusing backstory in part one, both of which raise some serious questions. However, Pearson and everything surrounding him arguably blow that clean out of the water. Let's examine this more closely, shall we.

The long-overdue backstory we get for Crow begins with a mystery: Mikage and Trudge, for a reason that is never given to us, are investigating the death of Robert Pearson (whose death would have been several years ago at this point), whom Crow knew very well, and they're doing it because they found a hint that the person who killed Pearson used an illegal card, Crimson Mefist, to do it.

(Post redemption-arc Trudge actually doing his job instead of bullying random Satellite citizens. Who would have thunk.)

Thing is, here, we already encounter our first, minor problem: Pearson has never been mentioned up until this point, not even as an aside. And this issue is compounded by the fact that not only Crow seems to know him, but Trudge claims to as well, because "Satellite used to be his jurisdiction". So, a named character who's familiar to both one of our protagonists and a notable side character, and we've never seen hide nor hair of him. If we pull our heads out of the story for a second, the irl reason for how this came to be is probably pretty obvious: Pearson was never mentioned before because the writers had nowhere near as solid of a plan for Crow as they did for the other characters, which leads to him being introduced out of nowhere here because we need a backstory and a dragon for Crow and we need those now. Moving on.

The mention of Pearson having been not simply killed in a fire, like Crow previously assumed, but having been murdered through a special, illegal card immediately makes him suspicious. So, he goes to consult Bolger/Bolton, another never-before-seen character who gets introduced in service of this backstory, and who knew Pearson well. And while this guy certainly acts amiable towards Crow at first, implying that the two have a good rapport, at least, he quickly starts acting suspicious when Pearson's murder comes up. Moreover, we as the audience at this point already know Bolger's looking for Black-Winged Dragon so he can use the card essentially as collateral to save his company. And the name "Black-Winged Dragon" already leaves very little to the imagination as to whose deck this monster is supposed to fit into. But, in a small twist, we learn from Crow that this was apparently Pearson's card, and supposedly lost in the fire where said man died, to boot. Then Bolger challenges Crow to a duel, too, offering to tell the truth about Pearson's death if he loses, but demanding Black-Winged Dragon, which he believes Crow to be in possession of, if he wins. So far, so good. We've got a mystery here, and canon is not contradicting itself just yet. Until we get to the actual backstory, which shows us the time Crow spent with Pearson, that is. Before we get into that, I'd like to highlight one theme this mini-arc introduces that actually feels like it fits Crow: Legacy. Over the course of meeting Bolger again and being reminded of his time with Pearson, Crow starts thinking about whether he's taking over his former mentor's/father figure's legacy well enough.

(Crow having some Deep Thoughts TM, featuring one of Yusei's most relaxed, easygoing smiles in the entire show, probably.)

This theme, I would argue, is one of the major things this backstory introduces that really meshes well with the Crow we already had until this point. He's a community-focussed guy and absolutely a family person, if him taking care of Satellite orphans is anything to go by, so leaving behind a good legacy for the people after him (read: the kids he took care of) would absolutely be something he cares about. We see this element of legacy again in his cards during this episode, too, which canon implies he inherited from Pearson. (I'll get to THAT can of worms below.) And on paper, with the themes he's already got going, Crow being the only one to inherit his deck rather than build it all by himself would actually make sense!

However. This is where we have to get into the meat of the backstory. I'll start by listing the barebones information Crow's backstory with Pearson gives us, then going into why several aspects of it are either logistical or chronological nonsense.

So, as canon tells us, Crow met Pearson after Kiryu/Kalin was arrested, when the Enforcers/Team Satisfaction all went their separate ways. During this period, Crow had already set up shop near the original Daedalus Bridge and started out taking care of orphans, but it wasn't all smooth sailing. He was, by his own admission, "living aimlessly". Then, during a pinch, Pearson and Bolger show up, take care of some bad guys for Crow and the kids, and Crow sees a new role model in Pearson. Pearson, who rides the Blackbird, plays a Blackwing deck and owns Black-Winged Dragon. So, he joins up with Pearson, presumably learns how to work on duel runners from him, and also befriends Bolger. Then, one day, a fire breaks out at Pearson's workshop and the man in question dies, but leaves Crow his runner and his duel disk before he does so. End flashback. Because I want to tie this together nicely, we also learn later that Pearson technically left him Black-Winged Dragon, too, by sealing it in his runner. And, of course, that dragon later becomes Crow's very own signer dragon.

Several points to be dissected here. And funnily enough, Bolger's duel with Crow isn't relevant for any of them. Let's start with the big one: The timeline. I want you to remember that as far as canon is concerned, Crow is 17 during the DS arc. Moreover, it's canonically stated that Jack stole Yusei's first duel runner two years before the show's start, at which time Crow would have been 15. And their time together as the Enforcers must have been even before that, because Kiryu/Kalin was already in prison for a while at that point and Crow and Yusei don't reunite until the DS arc is basically in full swing. So, I'll make a vague estimate here and say that during the time of the Enforcers, Crow would have probably been 13-14. (Which is hilarious when you think about the fact that this gang of angry teenagers essentially took over the entire duelling underground of Satellite, but I digress.) Now we add the idea that Crow met Pearson after the Enforcers, but that he died before canon starts into the mix. That means Crow first ran into Pearson sometime around age 15, and that he then died presumably before Crow turned 17. So far, so good, that still slots into canon, even if it makes Crow pretty damn young for some things. He's even missing the personalised Blackbird duel disk he later wears during the Enforcer days, I went back to check. What he is not missing, however, are his Blackwings. And this is where canon may or may not have made an implication that, if intentional, breaks this timeline. See, during the scene where Pearson's workshop is burning down and he's already trapped under debris and has embraced death, he tosses Crow his duel disk and leaves him his runner.

(Two important screenshots, in sequence. One, Pearson with his duel disk still strapped to his arm. His deck is very obviously still in there. Two, Crow with that same duel disk, as made obvious by its distinct shape.)

What this implies is that Pearson also left Crow his deck. Which, yeah, fair enough, if I were dying in a fire I'd probably also think "fuck it, not like I'll need my cards in the afterlife". What this (and Crow's look the first time he sees Pearson's monsters) implies, though, is that Crow didn't start playing Blackwings until Pearson left him his deck. Which is factually untrue, because there is literal evidence in the show that Crow already had Blackwings during his time as part of the duel gang, before ever meeting Pearson. (The exact episode, if you want to check for yourself, is 33, where Crow summons both Bora the Spear and Blackwing Armor Master during a flashback.) However, I will concede that the show never actually states this is the case, it's just implied by what we see on screen, so perhaps the idea here was that Crow already played Blackwings before Pearson, but grew to love them even more through his mentor/father figure, and so later happily integrated the deck he inherited into his own. Crucially, canon never states this outright, either, though, so the option remains on the table. But, to give the benefit of the doubt here, the possibility that this could still slot in with canon and that it was just handled poorly is there. The same cannot be said for the Blackbird, however.

(Uh oh. So much for canon continuity.)

The above two screenshots directly contradict each other. First we have Yusei, upon reuniting with Crow in Satellite during the DS arc, casually remarking that Crow finished his duel runner. Which means that canon at this point suggests to the audience that one, Crow built this duel runner by himself, for himself, and two, that Yusei knew about it for a while already. Then there's the second screenshot, from the Pearson backstory episode, where Crow outright claims the Blackbird was left to him when Pearson died. I don't think I need to tell anyone that these two things can't be true at the same time. And again, I think this is where Crow fell victim to the writers not having a clear outline for him. At first, he was supposed to be this scrappy guy who also built a duel runner for himself, just like Yusei. But now, he's a signer, needs a backstory and a dragon, and because a theme of legacy is introduced alongside Pearson, the runner suddenly needs to be inherited, as well as (possibly) Crow's cards. Now, a crafty fanfic writer could probably reconcile the above contradiction somehow, and I know some stories that accomplished that. But the point isn't that we, as the audience/fandom could make this work, the point is that canon didn't make it work. What canon, sadly, also didn't get to work was Black-Winged Dragon.

(We meet again, bird-dragon.)

Here comes the next elephant in the room: Everyone and their mother who has watched 5Ds knows that Black-Winged Dragon was never implied to be a signer dragon up until the duel where Crow acquires it. In fact, an entirely different dragon is teased so heavily long before BWD ever shows up that it to this day is one of many people's major gripes with the show's writing.

(Why, hello, Life Stream Dragon! Fancy seeing you here.)

And yet, Black-Winged Dragon is turned into a signer dragon before Life Stream Dragon, who was teased more than sixty (!!!) episodes before BWD was ever even mentioned. Why? Simple: Because Crow became a signer and Rua/Leo didn't, because the signers all need dragons (or else the "5Ds" part kind of doesn't work), and because Life Stream Dragon thematically doesn't fit Crow.

Now, I've seen people post theories to reconcile this weird hitch in canon, hell, I've even posted an idea for how it could be reconciled myself. But, again, that isn't the point here. The point is that as far as good old, barebones canon is concerned, it isn't reconciled. Canon at first states there are five signers, suggesting that there are also five dragons. But then, the fifth dragon never shows up, and one of the signers dies, to boot. Only for canon to then teach us, oh, no, look, the signer marks can wander from one person to the next. And to add insult to injury (at least where the show's writing and internal consistency is concerned), the signer mark that was "freed up" by Roman/Rudger's death doesn't wander to Rua/Leo, who any attentive watcher would have expected to become a signer because it was heavily teased during the DS arc, but to Crow. Frankly, I'm not surprised many people were angry about this, but in case my disclaimer didn't make it clear, I don't think it's productive to pin this on Crow by claiming his cards became super popular irl. There was definitely an out-of-left-field writing choice made here, but the only answers as to "why" were left in the 5Ds' writer's room, I believe. At a guess, if you want me to throw out a non-sugarcoated theory as to why, though? They probably thought Crow would be a more interesting character for their target audience. He's a scrappy guy who sticks it to authority, he's brave, he's funny, he plays a cool deck, and most of all, unlike Rua, he never embarrasses himself in a duel on screen. Why am I highlighting that last part? Because I feel like people sometimes forget that the target audience for this show, at the time of its creation, were about twelve year-old boys. And you can feel free to contradict me on this, but most twelve year-old boys I've known and know don't want to project themselves onto a chracter who loses and gets his butt kicked a lot, and who's a bit awkward and steps in it sometimes, which is much closer to how actual twelve year-olds are—but that's exactly why they prefer the cooler characters. And Crow is the cooler character, by average twelve year-old boy logic, regardless of what the grownups of this fandom think.

So Crow gets a dragon and the writing doesn't bother explaining the how or why of it, let alone tackles any of the implications made by Black-Winged Dragon's existence as a signer dragon. (Like what does this mean for the larger worldbuilding? Does the Crimson Dragon actually have more than five servants, but chooses to only ever bestow five marks at a time? Can any "dragon" the Crimson Dragon chooses be a signer dragon, and it just so happens that the constellation of signer dragons is nearly the same as the original one in present-time 5Ds canon? Did the Crimson Dragon specifically elevate BWD to a signer dragon because it felt like it? Was BWD always supposed to be a signer dragon? Was Pearson supposed to be a signer, but died too early before the dark signer prophecy was set into motion? Am I overthinking this? (Yes.)) He also obtains his dragon in what feels like the weirdest way possible to me, because it suddenly??? Just decides to appear in his runner????? Out of nowhere??????

(Why is that here. How did it get there. Why did Pearson even put it in there. And HOW. Is it just wedged between the machinery or what???? And how on earth did Yusei, Bruno, and/or Crow never find it before this point considering how often someone tinkered on the Blackbird on screen???)

(This scenario, of course, also raises the question how the other signers even got their dragons. But like many other, interesting questions, this episode chooses not to interact with that one whatsoever.)

In short, this backstory is a bit of a mess, to say the least. For as much good as it tries to do by contextualising Crow's character and giving him something that sets him apart from the rest of the protag group, it feels like a rough draft of an episode was given the green light to be produced without any editing, judging by the contradictions and weird implications. As such, it harms Crow's character as much as it builds it, as evidenced by how much fandom backlash he still receives years later for the things that were bungled in this backstory and also in different aspects of his character writing.

Now, you may notice this post has gotten stupidly long due to just how convoluted the specific hangups of Crow's backstory are. I originally meant to cover the WRGP and even the Ark Cradle arc for Crow in this post, too, but due to how much there was to say about canon's attempt to finally make Crow a "proper" signer, I've decided that trying to force another two whole arcs in here would be a disservice to the analysis and the character, and also make this agonisingly long, so I'll close this part out here and write a part three, perhaps even a part four depending on how much material the WRGP gives me to work with.

There's one more thing I need to get back to before I finish up this part, though: The "screentime" discussion. I mentioned far above that I take issue with how some people seem to be using the word screentime, and now I can explain why. First, I want you to take a look back at the episodes I covered here, those being 65-95, essentially. Now, as anyone who usually dislikes Crow will tell you, Crow is present in most, if not all of these episodes. He's on screen. He's getting screentime, and, according to many people, hogging it, even. Okay. Now, I want you to look back up at the analysis. How many episodes did I cover where Crow actually gets something to do? As in, where he's either the focus of the plot or gets to contribute to it in a significant way? There's the old man Bashford episode. There's the Poppo Time clock episode. There's his two backstory episodes. That's four. Four episodes. If you're generous, you might add in the episode where he gets to narrate Yusei's backstory alongside Jack and the two fake Jack episodes where he gets to have an emotional moment or two with his foster-brother. If you're less generous, you'll note that none of these episodes have Crow actually interacting with the main antagonists in a meaningful way or set up anything important that pays off later. (Hell, he doesn't even get any, and I really mean, any meaningful setup interactions with Sherry, who ends up being his final-boss-level opponent during the final episodes! Aki gets more meaningful interactions with Sherry than him, not that this ever gets a payoff.) And this is why I take an issue with people claiming Crow gets so much "screentime" post DS arc. Because to me, "screentime" should be time spent letting a character act meaningfully within the story, which most of the pre-WRGP episodes aren't for Crow. He's on screen, yes, but in many episodes, it wouldn't matter one whit whether you replaced him with a nameless side character, which isn't exactly a great look for a supposed third of a protagonist trifecta. Perhaps I'm being too strict with my definition of "screentime" here, fair enough! But the claim that Crow hogs screentime already rubs the wrong way during this comparably unimportant arc, so I can't leave it alone. It feels very decidedly malicious to claim a character who during some episodes seems to only be there to provide exposition or make whatever jokes Yusei and Jack's personalities aren't suited to is stealing screentime from other characters. As for the WRGP duels and whether he's "hogging" anyone's screentime there, I'll dig into that nonsense in the next part, please be patient with me.

...Phew. Okay.

Now, before I leave you to wonder whether I'm every finishing my Crow analysis in full again, I want to attempt to do the same thing I did in part one—propose some changes that could have been made to the writing for Crow's character in order to make things slot in better with the rest of canon. With a small disclaimer, of course: These are just my suggestions as to how Crow's character could have fit into canon more smoothly and been done less of a disservice by his own backstory.

So. First, a quick-fire thing about the pre-WRGP, to get that out of the way: Crow, alongside Aki, is the only signer who didn't get his own confrontation with either Iliaster or their minions. (Yusei had Ghost, Jack had fake Jack, Rua and Ruka had Luciano.) Instead of having him confront a cranky old man in a scrapyard or Zora's son, they could have easily given him a very short side-story where he gets to experience the threat of Iliaster up close and personal, too. Hell, they could have very nicely cut the recap episode where Crow and Jack lie in the mess of Jack's terribly built coffee table and philosophise about Yusei's backstory for this, too. (As funny as their interaction about the coffee table and Jack lying on the floor with a perfectly intact coffee cup are.)

(Pictured: Two idiots (affectionate) contemplating life among the scraps of a shitty, broken coffee table.)

Then, there's the Pearson backstory, of course. So, here's the thing, I think two very different kinds of "fixes" could have worked here. Crucially, they both depend on Crow's status as a signer. I argued in part one that Crow might have worked better as a character if he hadn't actually become a signer, so I'll give both versions here. Let's go.

Option A: We try not to touch canon too much and Crow stays a signer.

How to do this? Frankly, I think what Crow's mark and Black-Winged Dragon were majorly missing was setup. The mark is the smaller offence here, since, fair enough, the idea that signer marks can wander from person to person isn't too out there for 5Ds canon. However, the lack of a dragon despite the alleged 5Ds stands out, and Life Stream Dragon's wasted setup only makes it worse. Thus, making Black-Winged Dragon make sense would have required giving him the same amount of foreshadowing as Life Stream Dragon, at the very least. And you know who could have been great for that? Sweet, ever-forgotten-by-canon Ruka. She was already shown having flashback dreams to the signer dragons' first battle against the dark signers, so who's to say she couldn't have gotten dreams about a shadowy, new dragon she's never seen before? Perhaps even dreams where she's not sure if the dragon is good or bad at first! It could have provided intrigue, it could have made the audience curious. To strengthen that, canon could have also bothered taking the question "hey why are there only four dragons now" seriously. No character in canon ever questions why there are five marks, but only four dragons. Even Rua, who was previously hopeful that he might secretly be a signer, never brings it up. If canon had bothered to actually point this mystery out, they could have used it not only to foreshadow Black-Winged Dragon, but to aid Life Stream Dragon's setup, too. What the fuck am I talking about, I hear you ask. Hear me out: Life Stream Dragon is shown way, way later down the line, long after the audience probably already accepted that it was simply never going to show up, literally bursting out of Power Tool Dragon's armour. We are not provided with an explanation as to why. Imagine if they had sprinkled in another dream Ruka could have had about the ancient past here. Imagine if they had used the opportunity to show something like, oh, during the battle, Life Stream Dragon got injured so badly they had to protect its wounded body with a suit of armour, in the hopes that it would heal. And with one original signer dragon out of commission, the Crimson Dragon sadly had to choose a replacement in between, because the Earthbound Immortals were sure to return. Bam. Black-Winged Dragon. Two signer dragons, set up simultaneously, without forcing the canon lore to do somersaults. Furthermore, to actually explain why Pearson had the dragon but wasn't a signer, they could have easily sprinkled in a flashback between him and Crow. Maybe Pearson could have mentioned how the dragon always feels like it's never really his, as a joking aside. It would have been enough for me to suspend my disbelief, you know? And then the rest of canon could have played out exactly as we know it. Crow could have confronted Bolger, could have obtained Black-Winged Dragon because maybe the dragon finally decided he was worth throwing its weight behind. The mystery behind the missing fifth dragon could have been solved, and it would have made for satisfying payoff without kneecapping Life Stream Dragon's setup or conjuring an extra dragon out of thin air. And really, stuff like the runner thing could have so easily been solved by simply picking one version (did he build it himself or inherit it?) and sticking with it. All it took was a little more care.

Option B: We assume Crow didn't actually become a signer, but try to keep his backstory intact.

Okay, this version works under the assumption that Crow, despite partaking in the final battle against Goodwin during the DS arc, didn't receive a signer mark. To make this work, I would, bluntly put, simply make it so that Black-Winged Dragon doesn't exist. Pearson can still play a powerful Blackwing monster during his flashback that Bolger wants to find and sell later, but it simply isn't that dragon. Really, Blackwings have enough to choose from there. If the backstory episodes had been placed a little later, say, during the pause in the middle of the WRGP, he could have even received something like Blackwing Full Armor Master here. (Yes, I know that card didn't exist at the time, but my point is that he could have simply received a powerup like Yusei and Jack did, instead of a completely new monster.) With this setup, they could have still added the intrigue of taking the question why there are only four signers now seriously. They could have still set up a mystery about why no one ever saw the fifth dragon outside of dreams. And it could have made Rua becoming a signer later, and in this version getting the tail mark instead of a completely new one, that much more satisfying. And Crow could have kept his "fuck destiny, I'm trying to save the world here"-attitude from the DS arc, providing a nice, amusing counterweight to our heroes chosen by an ancient Incan dragon deity. All it would have taken would have been not giving him a mark and switching out Black-Winged Dragon for something else.

So, take your pick, I guess. In the meantime, I'll try my best to work on part three faster than I did part two, lmao.

See you next time!

[swan-of-sunrise]

Spellbinding (Chapter Fourteen)

Summary: While dealing with a surprising new development in their relationship, Loki and (Y/N) are stuck in the middle of an explosive feud between Steve and Tony.

Pairing: Loki X Reader

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings/Disclaimers: None

A/N: I’d call this a filler chapter but I absolutely love writing about the Avengers as a whole! I also thought we needed a little break from the plot for some team bonding before things get too crazy lol I hope that you enjoy!

Chapter Fourteen November 22nd, 2015 Avengers Tower, New York City (Previous Chapter)

“You read this book when you were how old?”

(Y/N) smiled mischievously and turned her attention back to reorganizing her closet. “I was seven. I checked it out from the library without telling my Aunt Evelyn and read it late at night; I couldn’t sleep without my nightlight on for months afterwards but I’m glad I read it, since it’s a literary classic and everything.”

Loki let out a half-laugh and turned the page of his book. “Well, if we’re ever blessed with children, I think we should wait until they’re at least twelve to introduce them to Dracula. Perhaps even fourteen.”

“Children?”

In an instant, Loki froze and it dawned on him what he’d accidentally said. (Y/N) was also frozen, her arm still extended to grab a hangar from inside the closet. “I-I…I just meant…I’d like to…” Loki cleared his unusually tight throat. “I, ah, wouldn’t mind having…you know, children. Someday. With…with you.” Dammit, I’ve made a mess of things again, Loki inwardly groaned.

They’d only been together for a little over four months and it was much, much too early in their relationship to bring about the subject of children. But after he acknowledged his love for (Y/N), it was challenging for Loki to envision a future without her in it and lately, the idea of a more permanent future with the woman he loved was all he could think about. He knew that his girlfriend liked children; back when she still worked at the New York Public Library, he’d fondly watch her helping them with their homework or reading to them and since officially becoming the Cosmic Sorceress, she’d visited the children’s ward at the nearby hospital once a week to cheer up the young patients. And despite what others might believe, Loki also liked children and the thought of being a father one day – while admittedly a little nerve-wracking – was not an unwelcome one.

Just as (Y/N), with her (Y/E/C) eyes widened in shock, opened her mouth to reply, there came the sounds of voices shouting angrily from the common room down the hall. In an instant, Loki and (Y/N) summoned their magic into the palms of their hands before sprinting out of her suite and down the hallway.

Steve and Tony stood on either sides of the common room and were fully engaged in a blazing argument by the time Loki and (Y/N) arrived. Skidding to a stop beside (Y/N), Loki’s first thought was that he’d never seen either man as angry as they were now, even during the Battle of New York.

“Because you flat-out refused to listen when I said to wait, three S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are at the hospital in critical condition!” Tony yelled.

Steve stepped closer and shouted back, “And if I hadn’t acted when I did, an entire apartment complex would’ve been demolished anyway and dozens of people would be dead! Those agents would be fine right now if you hadn’t hesitated to use your scanners!”

“You mean, if I hadn’t stopped to think the situation through?!”

“You’re acting like a civilian, Stark, not a soldier! Our job is to make the tough decisions as quickly as we can for the benefit of the whole, we don’t have the luxury of holding committees for every choice we make!”

“Bullshit, it’s better to weigh options instead of barreling in without a plan; that’s what you’re best at, though, isn’t it? If you hadn’t made the dumb-ass decision to crash that plane in ‘45, you and Carter-”

Before Tony could finish his sentence, Steve landed a punch on his jaw that sent him staggering backwards. Tony quickly surged forward to retaliate, but Loki used his magic to halt his movement while (Y/N) used hers to stop Steve. “Enough!” They dissolved their magic and with matching looks of contempt, both Steve and Tony turned and stormed away, leaving Loki and (Y/N) to gape at each other in shock.

“Yeah, that was a continuation of what happened on the Quinjet.” They turned and watched Bruce step out of the elevator with a weary expression on his face. “I’ll explain everything to you both, but can we do it in private? The rest of the team’s at each other’s throats and I don’t want all the fighting to accidentally trigger the Big Guy…”

After leading the scientist into (Y/N)’s suite and subtly lighting one of her calming lavender-scented candles, Loki sat beside his girlfriend on the sofa and listened as Bruce talked. “This arms dealer was holding an entire apartment building in Luxembourg hostage, said he’d blow the place up if his demands for more guns weren’t met. Fury sent Steve, Tony, Bucky and Clint this morning; the plan was to surround the building and find a way in before going after the guy, but he decided he didn’t want to wait any longer and turned an automatic timer on for the explosives. Cap sent the other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in to clear the building and Tony said to wait for the agents to give word before ordering Bucky to take the shot, but Steve didn’t listen. Bucky took the shot, got the guy, but the explosives still went off.” Loki and (Y/N) exchanged looks of confusion, and Bruce continued. “There was a pressure timer hidden in his hand, they call it a dead man’s switch; Tony scanned and saw it at the last second, but Steve was already giving the order to Bucky.” Bruce started pacing as he ran a hand through his hair. “It’s like a civil war; Clint and Nat are taking Tony’s side, they think Steve could’ve waited a little longer, and Sam and Bucky are on Cap’s side.” He snorted in derision. “Thanksgiving dinner should be a blast this year.”

(Y/N) nodded, a saddened expression on her face, but Loki furrowed his brow. “Thanksgiving? You host a dinner of thanks on Midgard?”

“I’ll explain it to you later.” She flashed him a brief smile before returning her concerned gaze to Bruce. “Is there anything we can do?”

“You both should probably just stay out of it; they might come around faster if they see that you’re neutral in all this.” The scientist walked to the door. “I’d better go down and talk to Fury, so I’ll see you guys later.”

Once Bruce closed the door behind him, (Y/N) threw herself back against the cushions of the couch and sighed. “How could something like this have even happened? We’ve been such a strong team these past few months and now…”

“They’re both strong-willed men and stubborn in their own right, you know that. Each holds steadfast to their beliefs no matter the consequences; this is a trait of theirs I’ve both admired and admonished in all the time I’ve known them.” Loki admitted. “But Banner is correct, any attempt of ours to help may only worsen the situation for everyone.”

“Mm-hmm.”

Taking in (Y/N)’s troubled frown, Loki decided to try distracting her from their fighting teammates, laying down and resting his head in her lap so that he was staring up at her. “So, a feast of thanks sounds…quaint.”

As he’d hoped, she relaxed as she gave him a look of amusement and began running her fingers through his hair. “It’s more than that, silly. In America, it’s a day where we give thanks for our lives and the people in them. We sit around a table for dinner and let our loved ones know just what they mean to us, that we cherish and appreciate them, no matter any differences…we might…we might have…” (Y/N) trailed off, pausing a moment before gasping in excitement. “Loki, I think I may have either a brilliant plan or an insane one!”

“I know just what you have in mind, darling. Let’s go!” They both hurried to the living room closet and tugged on their coats and scarves; they had a long, long day of shopping ahead of them.

Although he’d acclimated fairly well to Midgard in the months since his arrival, one of the things Loki still utterly despised about the realm were its ‘grocery stores.’ They were crowded, lit by horrendous fluorescent lights and stocked to the brim with inedible, overpriced food; whenever he’d been asked to accompany one of his fellow Avengers on their shopping trips, he would come up with every excuse under the sun to decline their invitation. But he decided to put aside his displeasure for the benefit of his girlfriend and teammates, resigning himself to pushing the rickety metal shopping cart up and down the aisles as (Y/N) read off her hastily-written list.

Their shopping trip had gone far better than he’d imagined and in no time, they were carrying their bags into the lobby of the Avengers Tower.

“You know, we’re going to need an extra pair of hands to help us with the cooking on Thursday.” (Y/N) pointed out as they stepped into their team’s private elevator. “I’m not very good in the kitchen, as you already know, but I’ve always been able to bake pretty decent pies.”

Loki nodded. “All right, so who did you have in mind to help?”

At that moment, the elevator stopped and the doors opened to reveal the smiling face of his golden-haired brother. “Ah, there you are! The J.A.R.V.I.S. just informed me you had returned from your outing, was it productive?”

“…You could call it that.”

The tone of his girlfriend’s voice prompted Loki to glance over at her; she was looking from Thor to him, her eyebrows raised and a triumphant smile spreading across her face. Finally understanding her words, Loki’s smile morphed into a look of absolute horror. “Oh no, no, no, not him…!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wait, you guys cooked all this? Without burning the kitchen down?”

Loki couldn’t help but give Bruce a pained look. “Believe me when I say that it was not for lack of trying, Doctor Banner.”

Since they wanted dinner to be a surprise, they’d prepared each dish in one of the kitchens used by the new S.H.I.E.L.D. organization; unfortunately, in their attempt to be secretive they were forced into cramped quarters with rather primitive kitchen appliances at their disposal. And to add to Loki’s growing list of responsibilities, he was forced to babysit the love of his life and his brother in order to prevent the dishes from being ruined by their absolute lack of culinary skills. More than once, he had to use his magic to protect the food he’d cooked from (Y/N)’s over-zealousness with the spices and at one point, he was forced to quickly talk Thor out of using his lightning to rapidly cook the turkey. Hopefully it’ll all have been worth it, Loki tiredly thought to himself.

As if in-tuned with Loki’s inner monologue, Bruce nervously adjusted the sleeves of his coat and replied, “Well, I hope this works and doesn’t just end up making everything worse.”

“You and I both, Doctor.” His eyes were drawn to the elevator as its doors opened, revealing (Y/N) and a cart filled with the feast they’d cooked, and he hurried over to meet her. “Everything’s going to plan so far, they think that it’s only the seven of us for dinner.”

With the help of Bruce, they went about setting the enormous table. “I just sent Thor to fetch Team Cap, so they should be here any minute.” Once they finished, (Y/N) removed her apron and smoothed out her skirt, her anxious expression softening a fraction as she turned to the two men. “Now we see if our brilliantly-insane plan will work.”

Loki had just enough time to lean down and press a reassuring kiss to his girlfriend’s forehead before the elevator doors once again slid open.

“Mmm, smells good in here!” Tony grinned, walking up to (Y/N) and handing her a bottle of wine. “I had Pepper ship one of my best labels over from Malibu for the occasion.”

Natasha did little to hide her amusement at his words. “You just couldn’t resist, could you? And you,” She turned to shoot Clint a glare. “If you don’t stop fidgeting, Barton, we’re going to have a problem.”

“I can’t help it, this stupid suit’s uncomfortable!” Clint grumbled; once Natasha returned her attention to the others, the archer rolled his eyes and whispered to Loki, “Damn straight jacket. (Y/N) forced you into one too, huh?”

“Yes, I-” The sight of Steve, Sam and Bucky entering the room behind Thor caused Loki’s words to die in his throat and as the others caught sight of them, he surreptitiously summoned his magic into his hands in case a fight broke out. Out of the corner of his eyes, he spotted Thor and Bruce exchanging weary looks.

Steve’s face was a mask as he stepped forward. “Stark.”

“Asshat.”

All Hel broke loose; Steve and Tony lunged towards one another, their struggling forms barely held back by Bucky and Clint. A cacophony of shouting quickly filled the room as both sides began arguing with each other, but just as Loki raised his arms to use his magic, (Y/N) calmly stepped forward and walked in between the warring groups. The shouting and struggling instantly stopped as they gawked at (Y/N), but she merely smiled warmly at them as she spoke. “Thank you all for coming to our Thanksgiving dinner, Loki and I are glad you were able to make it. Bruce mentioned that you usually don’t celebrate together, but this is my first Thanksgiving with you all and I wanted to mark the occasion with my new family…all of it.” Her words seemed to have their desired intent, as both Steve and Tony relaxed their stances and the others backed away from them. “Now, we should start eating before everything gets cold!”

Needless to say, dinner was a tense affair. Where there was usually the sounds of deafening chatter and laughter, there was quiet murmuring and stoic looks. Loki watched (Y/N) with equal amounts of admiration and sympathy as she tried her hardest to engage their teammates in conversation with one another and with each failed attempt, he could see a little more of her heart breaking. After learning the difficult truth about her parents and having lived so long without a family, (Y/N) deserved to have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with her friends. They all did, really. This has gone on long enough, Loki thought to himself as (Y/N) silently stared down at her plate; after a slight moment of hesitation, Loki got to his feet.

“I’ve done a fair amount of reading about this country’s Day of Thanks, and the custom of expressing what one is thankful for whilst surrounded by their loved ones piqued my interest. So, let’s begin.” Loki swallowed thickly, looking around the table at his teammates’ confused faces before settling on (Y/N)’s. “I’m thankful for you, darling. You came into my life at a time when I believed I could never be deserving of love and you showed me not only was I deserving, but that loving you would make me a better man. You’re the love of my life, and believe me when I say that all our lives have been blessed since meeting you.” Loki and (Y/N) shared a smile and as he turned back to address the others, he felt her take hold of his hand and squeeze. “And I know you may find this difficult to believe, but I am also thankful for all of you. When I first joined the Avengers, I was bitter and filled with resentment at the prospect of serving out my sentence on a planet I despised with people I despised even more. But after a short while, once we’d come to understand one another, you accepted me as your teammate and friend. Well, some of you more than others.” His eyes flicked to Tony, who hid his small smile behind his hand, and to Clint, who gave him a small shrug. “I value our kinship above all else and on this Day of Thanks, I implore you all to remember our bonds with one another. Severing those bonds on account of a petty disagreement is something you all will come to regret in the future; take it from me, I have firsthand experience in that particular department.” He and Thor shared a knowing look as he took a seat; although he wasn’t comfortable expressing his emotions so openly, the look of pride in his brother’s eyes had made it worth it.

The table was quiet for several moments, until Steve cleared his throat. “Well, I’m, ah…I’m thankful that after coming out of the ice to an unrecognizable world I was able to find such great friends and teammates in you all.” His azure eyes flicked hesitantly over to Tony. “We may not get along all the time or agree on everything, but that doesn’t mean we should allow ourselves to become divided.”

Tony’s face remained unchanged throughout Steve’s speech and when he got to his feet, Loki could practically hear the others’ sharp intakes of breath. The billionaire held Steve’s gaze for a heartbeat before offering him his hand over the table with his trademark smirk on his face. “Couldn’t have said it better myself, ‘Roid Rage.” The two men shook hands and the room almost instantly relaxed; Loki exchanged looks of triumph with his co-conspirators as dinner continued, satisfied that their plan had been successfully implemented.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Dinner was delicious, by the way.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, darling, though I’m not sure what the others thought of it.”

“Well, they were a little too distracted to hand out compliments on food, wouldn’t you say?”

The pair had decided to spend the night catching up on their reading but instead of utilizing the library, they had made themselves comfortable in Loki’s bed with their books and plenty of blankets. Loki sat up against the headboard, his legs stretched out across the mattress and his ankles crossed, and (Y/N) was leaning against his side, her head resting comfortable in the crook of his neck and her free arm holding Loki’s around her waist. They sat in comfortable silence as they read their own books, occasionally permeating the tranquil atmosphere with light conversation.

“Um, Loki?”

“Hmm?” Loki could feel (Y/N) shifting beside him, so he tore his eyes away from his book and watched as she marked her page and set her book down on the bedside table. Setting his own book aside, Loki adjusted himself so he could see her face better. “What is it?”

(Y/N) bit her lip and played with the sleeve of her sweatshirt before answering. “We’ve been so busy planning Thanksgiving dinner and trying to get the team back together that we haven’t had a chance to talk about what you said the other day.” Loki’s brow furrowed in confusion, and the corner of (Y/N)’s mouth twitched. “About wanting to, um, have children. With me.”

“Oh.” Loki felt himself pale; he’d completely forgotten about his slip-up and being reminded of it caused panic to flare in his chest. “I-It was stupid, (Y/N), I just…we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I only meant-”

His explanation was abruptly cut off by (Y/N), who had covered his mouth with her hand and was shaking with suppressed laughter. “I always love those rare moments when you’re the one to get flustered; a little line always forms in between your eyebrows.” She leaned forward and pressed a brief kiss on the spot before moving her hand from his mouth to cup his cheek. “I was surprised by what you said the other day because I didn’t realize that you’ve imagined the same future that I have.” (Y/N) shyly looked down but she reached for his free hand and intertwined their fingers together. “I may not have much experience with relationships, Loki, but I love you with all my heart and if there’s anyone I want to share that wonderful future with someday…well, it’s you.”

A grin slowly formed on Loki’s face; removing one of his hands from hers, he gently took hold of her chin and coaxed her to look at him. “Really?”

She nodded, her (Y/E/C) eyes sparkling with happiness. “Really.”

Surging forward, Loki held her face in his hands and smashed his lips against hers. (Y/N) made a sound of surprise before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing back with equal vigor; Loki eventually found himself lying flat on his back while (Y/N) straddled his waist, one hand clutching her hip while the other traveled up and down her spine as they kissed. (Y/N) pulled her lips away from his and just as his throat made a noise of protest, she began kissing along his jawline and down his neck; needless to say, his annoyance quickly morphed to groans of satisfaction. Only when her soft lips brushed against a particularly sensitive patch of skin near his collarbone did Loki lose all restraint; he flipped them over so that (Y/N) was pressed against the mattress and after grabbing her hands and threading their fingers together, he held them over her head and hungrily attacked her eager lips with his own until an unfortunate lack of air forced them to break apart.

“I said I’d like children with you someday, Loki, not today!” (Y/N) exclaimed breathlessly, a dazed sort of smile illuminating her face as she looked up at him.

Loki let out a laugh before kissing her forehead and rolling off to lay on his back beside her; try as he might, he couldn’t keep the broad grin off his face. “Apologies, my love, but you’re entirely irresistible. If I’d known there were kisses like that in store for me, I’d have told you all that ages ago…”

Later that evening, (Y/N) was fast asleep against his chest and the sounds of her quiet snores filled the room as he stretched out on the bed in contentment. I suppose there’s only one thing left to do, Loki thought tiredly, pulling (Y/N) closer and glancing over at the bedside table that hid the engagement ring before sleep finally claimed him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Wow, that was a lot of fluff! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I’ve created a Spotify playlist inspired by this series, and I’ll be updating it every time I upload a new chapter. Enjoy!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2wx8TZwpDN0l33tES3W3Nk

Chapter Fifteen

Spellbinding Masterlist

Tagging: @nexiva @ravenclawbitch426 @cminr @confusedfandomwriter @momc95 @nickkie1129 @austynparksandpizza @brooke0297 @destructivebliss @outoftheregular​ @itscomplicatedx​ @0-artemis​ @vivloki​

[100layersofdaddyissues]

Angel - Chapter 4

alright my pedrhoes kits heres, this ones a bit shorter, kind of a filler chapter. 

warnings: angst, no smut this chapter, just pining and angst, im trying to do rach proud. 

Masterlist

The next few weeks went by with you trying your best to disconnect your emotions from your situation with Max. You focused on getting your workload handled, and giving Max the best head to hopefully deflect from the fact that, as you had unfortunately found out recently, you think you were falling for Max. 

        Admittedly, you didn’t see this coming, not from a mile away. You’d sleep with plenty of men to get their money, you never fell for them, you never even really cared for them. But here you were, so totally infatuated with Max that you were starting to worry about how this might affect your work if he found out, or your living situation. You've been paying the rent at your old apartment since you started working for Max, always ready for the worst case.         And here you were, three weeks since the gala, finally on top of your work and beginning work on the next marketing campaign for Lord Industries, you hadn’t really spent much time with Max outside of work and sex, but you figured that’s how he liked it, he didn’t ask you to spend time outside of that, so you guessed he really had no interest in spending time with you outside of that.         You were sat on the phone with the marketing team in the LA sector of the company, giving them a briefing for what you intended this campaign to be.         “Listen I don’t care how hard this is for you Matilda, this is one of the biggest campaigns we're going to run this year and if you’re not up to it I’m more than happy to advise Maxwell on your capacity. Neither of us want that but this has to go smoothly and if it doesn’t both of our heads will roll. Now, can you get the networks to agree to run the advertisement by next week?” you hadn’t realised how bossy you could be until you began working as the head of the department, you didn’t like it but Max enjoyed watching you bust balls, he’d never admit it, but he found so much joy in knowing that such a dominant woman was at his mercy in the bedroom.         “Yes ma’am” Matilda's voice quivered a moment and you felt so bad, but you weren’t joking, if this campaign had any kinks you were both going down for it, and you had no intention of allowing that to happen.         “Thank you, Matilda, call me if there’s anything you need a hand with.” you called down the phone just before you were abruptly hung up on.         Truth be told you didn’t know if you were handling everything the way you should be. Jade seemed to think it would be best for you to tell Maxwell how you were feeling but the moment she brought up the idea you promptly shut it down by reminding her that she didn’t know Max. But you had to admit, it was getting harder not to tell him. Not to let it slip while he was fucking you, three words and you could turn fucking into making love, but you weren’t even ready to say those three words in your mind let alone to Maxwells face. You didn’t dare think how that would go down.         Before you could linger on the unholy terror that Maxwell would rain down on you, Sookie was bringing in more notes Maxwell had sent about how he would like the campaign to be run.         “Hey honey, you okay? you look a little stressed.” her tone was sweet but concerned, you hadn’t realised that your emotions were showing on your face. “Yeah, I’m okay I’m just stressing about the new campaign, we have a week, and New York is barely keeping up, LA is slacking and don’t even get me started on the international sectors.” you huffed out, taking the new notes from her.         “I don’t mean to pry but this doesn’t look like your stressed work face, this is new, well not really new, you’ve been wearing the same face since the gala, I just didn’t want to bring it up too soon because I figured it had something to do with Max, but I don’t know how it would involve Max,” you cut her off, she hadn’t realised that she was rambling. She tended to do that a lot. “Sookie, you’re rambling, but seriously I’m ok- wait what did you mean you figured it had something to do with Maxwell” you weren’t sure how she could come to that conclusion, you and Maxwell had only ever been respectful and professional at work, (the meetings in his office not counted, but no one saw those.)         “Oh, uhm, nothing, I don’t even know why I said that.” Sookie was nervous now, and you were damned if you weren’t going to find out why.         “Sookie, why are you nervous, what do you know?” you asked standing from your seat to walk closer to her.         “Nothing, I don’t know anything, I shouldn’t have said anything.”         “Sookie. What do you know?” you pressed her further, you were going to make her break.         “Please just, please don’t tell anyone I told you, Darius would be completely fucked if anyone found out that we talk about you and Maxwell,”         “You and Darius talk about me and Maxwell?!” you almost shouted, but it wasn’t an angered shout, more a nervous one. Why were they talking about you too?         “Yes, well, we didn’t intend to at first, but then it just sort of came up over lunch and then we started connecting the dots, well I did, Darius obviously already knew, but you knew that, and then we just sort of started comparing notes. Darius says he’s never seen Maxwell this happy and confident, and I know I haven’t known you long, but I know the look of a woman whore in love and I’m so sorry if I overstepped but Darius and I we just think you’re both absolutely crazy for not admitting it to each other. I’m sorry I'll stop now.”         Your head was spinning here. Sookie was informing you that she and Darius had been having regular conversations about the nature of your relationship with Max and now you have to try and comprehend the fact that they both know you lo-like Max, and that he likes you too. You had to sit down. You didn’t know what to say, you felt like you had been silent for hours, until Sookie broke the silence by asking if you were okay and if she still had a job. You told her that you were okay and that of course she still had a job you just needed a little time alone. And as she left you did what you’d been doing for the last few weeks, you pushed that shit down and got on with your work.         Or at least that’s what you planned to do.         By the time 5pm rolled around you’d barely made enough progress on the reports, all you could think about was what Sookie said, and trying to figure out if she was telling the truth about Max reciprocating his feelings or if she was trying to save you the embarrassment. And what you were going to do.         You took a cab home that day, opting out of driving with Darius wanting to void Maxwell at all costs. And yet, as you walked in through your door there he was, leaning against your kitchen counter. His head whipped around to look at you, “why didn’t you let Darius drive you home? Why would you take a cab?” not even a hello.         “I just needed to be alone this afternoon. The campaign is really stressing me out and I didn’t want my stress to rub off on you or Darius.” you lied, flopping onto the couch, and closing your eyes. Maxwell came up behind the couch and put his hands on your temples “Oh is my sweet angel feeling stressed, I know just what will help, come on, up.” he said coming around and pulling you off the lounge by your hands. You got up limply, not really wanting to engage Max, you really didn’t want to fuck him right now, but you felt like you had to. To keep your job, your house, your life that you’ve now become accustomed to. And Maxwell sensed this. He had a feeling for about a week that you didn’t want to be in this situation anymore, but quite frankly he didn’t want to lose you. He’d tried becoming a bit more affection, tried to show you that he appreciated you, but he knew he wasn’t doing the best at it, he’d never been affectionate, he didn’t even know why he felt compelled to keep you around, he could lie to himself and say it’s because he didn’t want to risk losing the best employee, he’s ever had but he knew that wasn’t the truth. He knew why he didn’t want to lose you. But he doesn’t believe it. How can he. He was always told that he was incapable of love. Why would you be the change? “Max, I’m sorry I just don’t feel very sexy right now. I don’t know if I can do this. I have so much work to do, but of course you already know that, and I’m not getting enough sleep, and I just, I don’t want to do this. I'm sorry.” you weren’t sure why, but your voice was beginning to shake as you said no to him. Maxwell noticed this, he dropped your hands and stood back, telling you that he wasn’t interested in doing anything if you weren’t comfortable. You sighed a breath of relief. One that did not go unnoticed by Maxwell, one that hurt Maxwell. “What was that? Why did you seem relieved? Like I wouldn’t let you say no? Do you really think that of me?” his tone became more urgent, almost angry. And it scared you. By the time he finished his sentence he was close to yelling and you flinched. “N-no I didn’t think that at all. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that my breathing would come across this way. I’ll be sure not to breathe from now on.” you were getting just as angry as he was acting. “Don’t you dare yell at me! How dare you? Who do you think you are? You do not get to yell at me.” Max’s voice bellowed out across the apartment and if his anger weren’t revving you up you would have been terrified. But right now, all you were, was pissed. “Oh, so you get to yell at me, but I don’t get to yell back. That’s fucking bullshit Max, you don’t get to yell at me if I can’t defend myself.” “I get to yell whenever the fuck I want, I run this city, this fucking country, and you are nothing but a low-level fucking whore. You mean nothing to the world. You mean nothing to me.” Your mother always told you that words could never hurt you, but in that moment, that one sentence broke you both. Max never meant to say it, and you were never supposed to hear those words fall from his lips. But you did, they did, he did. He realised what he said the moment he said it, his face never softening as he walked out of the apartment though, slamming the door behind him. And you broke. You fell to the floor in a fit of sobs and tears, waiting for someone to come and console you. But no one did. You were alone and you were broken on the floor of the apartment owned by Maxwell. The man who just hurt you so much more than you thought you could ever be hurt. But once you were done being angry. You got pissed, angry, so frustrated that you had developed emotions for a man who was clearly using you. You rushed into your room, grabbed a duffle bag and only the essential things you need, only taking what you’d brought with you. And with that, you threw the key to the apartment on the kitchen table, and you left. With no intention of coming back. Your heart had never been heavier, but you walked the streets of dc with your head held high refusing to let some idiot man make you look as broken as you felt. And although your head was high, you weren’t paying attention when someone bumped into you, both of you crashing to the floor. “Y/N?” oh no. you knew that voice. “Hey George, how are you doing.” you said looking up to him. “Well, much better now that I’ve bumped into you. Literally.” George was one of your coworkers at Halo, although he had tried many times to exceed colleague status, he was obsessed with you. It started sweetly bringing you coffee every morning, and lunch when you forgot it, you were grateful for him, he was a really good friend and you trusted him. Unfortunately, you trusted him enough to tell him about your ex. And if he was mad hearing about how they treated you, he got even more mad after telling him that your ex was a woman. He then became obsessed with “fixing you” as he called it, telling you that if you just went on a date with a real man like him you wouldn’t want anything to do with women anymore. Clearly that line did not work. And from then on, he was obsessed with taking you out, asking you every Friday afternoon if you were free that weekend, and every Friday you made up some story about family gatherings, or parties, sleepovers with Jade, you made the mistake of telling him one Friday that you had a date. That didn’t go down well. “So how have you been Sweetness, we haven’t heard anything from you since you left us in the lurch. I don’t blame you if I could get out after all that shit with Henry and his dad went down I would too, and now you’re in charge of marketing for Lord? That’s fucking insane. You’re so lucky.” George’s voice was dripping with disdain and yet he also sounded like he was trying to seduce you. “Yeah, it’s been crazy, do you mind if we walk and talk, I’ve got to get back to my apartment.” you wanted to get away from him as soon as possible. “Yeah yeah of course, why are you out at this time anyway? It’s not safe for a little lady like you.” god you fucking hate this guy “I’m just coming from my boyfriend’s, he had to go to work and I didn’t want to stay in that big old apartment by myself, so I thought I’d head home, and it’s such a nice night I thought I’d walk.” you don’t know why you said you were coming from your boyfriend’s, but it was the first thing you thought of. “Well here, let me walk you home. Are you still in the same place?” you nodded and knowing George he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so you let him walk you home. That night you fell asleep to the thought that Maxwell truly did not care about you like you’d hoped he did. But you didn’t know that he had walked back into that apartment, he fell to his knees when he realised that you weren’t there. He fucked up. And there was nothing he could do to fix it. 

tags: @innerstrawberrypolice​ @maxlordsgf​ @mrschiltoncat​ @historianwithaheart​

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

disney’s ‘the hunchback of notre dame’, early 2000s kid nostalgia, and other midnight musings

“What the fuck, Stina? I thought this was a blog for book reviews!” you say.

“Books, amongst other things. Hence the -ish suffix,” I say. “And all my mediocre ‘reviews’ are hit-or-miss in terms of engagement, so I’m pretty much free to post whatever the fuck I want.”

I toss my head. My hair whacks me in the face.

The first time I watched Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame was been circa 2006, in the ‘movie room’ of my preschool, huddled around a CRT TV with the rest of my five-year-old classmates. Not much about the film particularly stood out to me at the age.

Fast-forward fifteen years later; I’m cooped up in quarantine, hundreds of thousands of miles away from that first viewing. I’m living my best life, rejoicing in my introverted tendencies and having a laugh at the expense of all the suffering extroverts. I haven’t moved from my bed all day, except for the bare necessities, and I’m bingeing YouTube videos. All is well.

I discovered Lindsay Ellis’s channel quite recently- embarrassingly enough, through her videos on Omegaverse and the whole Addison Cain fiasco. I stumbled down the rabbit-hole of her channel, and here I am, a few dozen videos later, and I find her one on this film.

Which, of course, led me to want to re-watch the film, with the eyes and mind (supposedly) of an adult. And it went far beyond and above my expectations.

The film is dark, much darker than the average Disney film of today- not just thematically, but the graphics too. Except for the first parts with the Festival of Fools and the last scene, the rest seems to have a dark filter put over it all. Obviously, given its themes (I’m pulling these out of my arse; I’m a STEM major and I have zero to no knowledge about film) of freedom and equality, acceptance of those different from us, corruption and lust- all that good shit, in other words- you can’t exactly have sunshine and rainbows. But it’s such a stark contrast from what I’ve been accustomed to from Disney; Frozen has Hans about to decapitate Elsa, but the background remains bright and light; Simba sobbing next to Mufasa’s body in The Lion King is heart-wrenching, but a few scenes later, we have an anthropomorphic meerkat-boar duo singing about eating bugs and farting and all that classy stuff, so it’s not as traumatizing.

The themes are a lot more on-the-nose than a lot of other kids’ movies (forgive me if I err, I am aged and forgetful)- cue la Esmeralda saying, “What do they have against people who are different, anyway?”- you get what’s essentially the same ‘accept others regardless of their differences’, ‘prejudice is bad’ morals from, say, Zootopia, but having given the main characters fursuits makes it less obvious than in this movie.

(Or maybe I’m just a dumbass. I have no elaborate notes for this; I’m high on sugar and deprived of sleep so I might be spewing bullshit.)

Admittedly, the resolution is a bit… unrealistic. The citizens of Paris = sheep, essentially; they go from throwing fruit in Quasimodo’s face because the guards started it, to helping defeat them. Maybe there’s something about mob mentality in there, but I find it hard to believe that people who showed up to watch Esmeralda burn to death were suddenly totally cool with not getting what they didn’t pay for. But then again, this is a Disney movie, and you can’t make kids too cynical too early on. Let them have their innocence and ‘people will be with the heroes in times of peril because humanity is inherently good!’ before they realize that humanity kinda fuckin’ sucks.

The characters are some of the most human from those I’ve seen in Disney (other honorable mentions: the main characters of The Emperor’s New Groove, Moana, Tangled, Anna from Frozen). Quasimodo’s the main character (lol DUH, will I ever say anything not obvious?), and he’s so lovable, but not without flaws- he’s biased against gypsies in the beginning because Frollo’s the literal scum of the earth. To borrow from the K-pop fans’ dictionary: UwU he’s so pure!

Esmeralda sparks a bit of controversy because she’s another POC leading lady from a Disney film of the 90’s (a list including Jasmine, and, sigh- Pocahontas) who’s markedly more sexualized than the white Disney princesses. It’s not something I particularly noticed nor cared about until I saw it being brought up- I mean, the woman shows a bit of cleavage and then dances for a couple of seconds- but. I’m just putting that out there.

She’s an empowering heroine without having to belt in in your face (not me making a dig at Naomi Scott’s Jasmine from the Aladdin live action film), and I also love how her role in taking down the Big Bad doesn’t have to do with her ‘power of seduction’ (the scene in the animated Aladdin film where Jasmine kissed Jafar truly traumatized me as a kid).

Phoebus is… well, he exists. Kind of a Regulus Black archetype, but not exactly. The guy on the bad side who turns good and all is forgiven. Well, at least it’s not the ‘her love made him a better man’ trope. And he is a good guy. Even if he did spend a considerable amount of his adult years on the side of the bad guys.

Systemic oppression? Nah, it’s one or two corrupt baddies. But again, it’s a Disney film, we need everything to work out for the good guys in the end.

Let’s get the gargoyles out of the way. To reference Lindsay Ellis’s video (she’s a lot smarter than I am and breaks this down better than I ever could): yes, the comedy’s oft ill-timed and inappropriate… for an adult audience. And the primary demographic of Disney films, especially princess ones (obviously Esmeralda isn’t a princess, nor does she marry into royalty, nor is she included in the group of princesses in the dumpster fire that is Ralph Breaks the Internet, but I had a book imaginatively titled ‘Disney Princess Stories’ as a kid that included Esmeralda’s story alongside Belle’s and Ariel’s, so I’m calling her a princess), are kids. And kids love fart jokes.

Additionally, I have a theory-that-is-not-really-a-theory-but-a-pretty-obvious-thing-that-happens that the gargoyles are figments of Quasimodo’s imagination, and the, at times crass and ridiculous things they say are just the voices in Quasimodo’s head (THIS IS OBVIOUS, STINA, YOU HAVEN’T STUMBLED ACROSS A STARTLING NEW REVELATION); maybe what he imagines normal townspeople to act like.

And then we have Judge Judy Chrissy Teigen Frollo. This dude is the embodiment of pure evil. He’s bigoted and rapey and abusive and one of Disney’s most successful villains- even better than Mother Gothel, who previously held the crown. It’s rare that a villain genuinely terrifies me, especially a cartoon one. Frollo, unlike your typical fairytale antagonist who wants power/fame/fortune/to overthrow Olympus, is far more sinister; driven from deep-rooted hatred instead of plain greed. He’s so much closer to people in positions of power and authority even in the modern world, and that element of reality makes him so much better as an antagonist instead of a literal sheep who hates carnivores (seriously, Disney, enough with the twist villains- they’re not working out).

Also, Hellfire slaps. In fact, the entire soundtrack does.

Speaking about Hellfire, I love the contrast between that and Heaven’s Light; how Esmeralda is viewed by Frollo (an object to possess, “Destroy Esmeralda, and let her taste the fires of hell; or else, let her be mine and mine alone”) as opposed to Quasimodo (someone with free will, “I dare to dream that she might even care for me”).

Another argument brought up, and admittedly one I had as a child was, ‘but if the whole point of the movie is acceptance and love as opposed to lust, why didn’t Quasimodo get the girl?’ Which, years later, I realize is an extremely misogynistic way to look at it. As Princess Jasmine said four years before The Hunchback was released, she is not a prize to be won. Quasimodo is Frollo’s antithesis; he lets Esmeralda choose, and she chose Phoebus. And Quasimodo accepted that, because he is good and kind and sweet and loving. Severus Snape, take note.

On a sidenote, I’m always kind of caught out of left field when the plot in films moves really fast- I’m really not a movie-watching type; I prefer to read, and books usually indicate how much time passes from one main plot point to another, and there are little slice-of-life, filler parts that tie in to character development and moving the plot forward, but at a snail’s pace. So, whenever I’m watching a movie and it’s one important event after another, I usually haven’t had enough of a refractory period to process it.

Let’s pretend that I segued smoothly into the next part of this (already tedious and long drawn out) review.

The Hunchback is the darkest film I’ve ever seen come out from Disney. Re-watching it as an adult made me pause every so often and wonder why the hell I wasn’t traumatized by it as a kid. I mean, the whole movie kicks off with Frollo about to throw an infant down a well. And then there’s that horrifying shot of the stone renditions of the Israelite kings on the church walls. Frollo falls to his death into fire. I mean, good riddance, but still. I guess it’s because the kids’ shows of today are awfully censored and polished so kids don’t have nightmares forevermore.

Update: tried to watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2. Exited just as fast as I clicked on it. Disney sequels really ain’t shit (yes, I’m looking at you, Frozen 2).

[khtrinityftw]

My counters to anti-KH2 Strawman Arguments

The strawman arguments presented here are taken from another blog; it’s sad that they were deliberately written as strawman quality and yet that’s exactly how certain obsessive KH2 haters actually type like.

Disney is reduced to pure filler! - Nope. Beast's Castle, Olympus Coliseum, Disney Castle, Port Royal and Space Paranoids all hold plot relevance, and the more filler-esque Land of Dragons, Halloween Town, Pride Land and 100 Acre Wood still have justifications for existing as levels in the game. Only Agrabah and Atlantica feel like complete wastes.

But what reason do they have to go to these places? Where's Mickey, Riku and Kairi? - You go there to stop all of the leftover Heartless from the mass invasion in KH1 from continuing to threaten the worlds' inhabitants, and to find out what Organization XIII and the Nobodies are up to. Later, it's to find a way into the Nobodies' home base (although this one admittedly gets botched by some truly bad writing).  This complaint is as stupid as it is when applied to the first KH, where the small detail of locking keyholes to slow the progression of a world-eating invasion of darkness is conveniently forgotten.

All the Disney Worlds' plots just recycle the plots of the movies! - Nope. Just the first visits to Land of Dragons, Port Royal and Pride Land, both visits to Agrabah, and all visits to Atlantica. Iconic movie elements used in otherwise original stories, such as in Halloween Town, does not count, since that's the same thing the original KH did.

Original and Final Fantasy characters dominate the game! - Somehow this was a complaint? Even though there is pretty clearly more Disney characters in the game than there are original and FF characters. And that among those Disney characters, there are just as many that are important to the plot as there are original and FF characters.

Horrible retcons, especially Ansem not being Ansem and the Heartless not being those without hearts! - The Heartless were not retconned in the slightest since them being corrupted hearts was established in the original game, and Ansem not being Ansem wasn't so much a problem as the writing of the situation around it was (having Ansem the Wise, disguised as DiZ, disguise as "Ansem" in order to get Riku to embrace the darkness, which causes Riku to disguise as "Ansem" and yet he can't change back to normal, and the enemy is Xemnas, the Nobody of "Ansem"...yeah, you get the idea.)

Organization XIII were bland, shallow villains and terrible characters who never should've been! - This complaint is very clearly fueled by backlash against how the KH fandom latched on to the Organization to...shall we say, an inappropriate degree. Organization XIII is fine. (Although no shit “they never should've been”, that's kind of the whole point. Why do you think their lair is called The World That Never Was?)

The Organization is severely underdeveloped! -  Not in the Final Mix version, they're not.

Yet the Organization totally steals the show from the Disney aspects! - Again, this seems more based around the KH fandom instead of based in reality. The Organization only got a little under an hour of screentime in the original version of KH2! For Pete’s sake, PETE had more screentime than Xemnas! 

The Organization are retconned into Nobodies who want their hearts back! - That's clearly what they were in CoM. They even said as much. This claim is bullshit.

The Organization subliminally have gay sex with each other! - Once again, fandom /=/ canon.

Convoluted and horrible storyline! - Convoluted? Yes. Horrible? No, especially when compared to the storyline of the series beyond.

The novels tell this story so much better! - Hahahaha, no. There are even some improvements made in the storytelling in the manga, but the novels are utterly worse in every aspect, as Tomoko Kanemaki is not really interested in telling the actual story of KH2, but of her personal KH2 fanfic.

THE NOBODIES! - What about them? They were fine. Nomura may have made them more convoluted than they needed to be, but as a concept they felt natural. If a heart can become a creature, then it's only natural that what gets left behind can become a creature as well.

The Nobodies are Designated Villains! - No, they weren't. Suffering from some kind of ailment does not give you the right to inflict it upon others. The Nobodies not having hearts and wanting them is sympathetic, but them planning to obtain hearts by forcibly taking the hearts from millions of innocents kills that sympathy and firmly makes them villains.

But you spend the first 5 hours playing as an Organization member/Nobody only to kill them off in the main game! - Except that Roxas was already killing off other Nobodies and had turned on the Organization by the time of that prologue. Roxas' tragedy is that because they're going by what they know of other Nobodies and Organization members, DiZ and Riku are boxing him into a heavy fate and not allowing him to choose, treating him as if he's an enemy and a tool rather than a person with feelings of his own.

The enemies should've just been the Heartless, the Disney Villains, and Ansem! - The Heartless known as Ansem is dead, where could he have logically come from to fill in that last enemy slot? The only way you could feasibly have him is through his Nobody, which is exactly what happened. Hence the Nobodies, Organization XIII included, being the third enemy after the Heartless and Disney Villains.

All beautifully constructed themes from the first KH were raped! - Please define which themes and how they were raped, because I ain't seeing it.

Sora is now an immature idiot hero who is gay for Riku! / Riku is a bland, monotonous emo and a non-character / Kairi and Namine recieve severe underexposure and minimal development / Axel is a raging pedofag who wants to molest Roxas! / Ansem the Wise is a old, boring Mcpurple prose racist peice of shit. He's not the one true ANSEM! / Mickey Mouse should not be a badass: that is out of character! / Roxas sucks! - This is all beginning to sound like ill-thought out, incoherent ramblings that are based on fallacies such as fandom depiction of characters or willful misunderstanding of the text. I just don't give a crap.

Namine was retconned into being Kairi's Nobody instead of a witch with powers over memory! - She quite literally called herself "the shadow of Kairi" in CoM, and Riku noted that she and Kairi had the same scent.  Re:CoM clarified the point even further by translating a line Axel said to her as "WE Nobodies can't ever hope to be Somebodies".  Like with the Organization being Nobodies, Namine being Kairi's Nobody was always the plan.

Maleficent suffered Villain Decay! - Yeah, that was the point. The whole objective behind her arc in this game was clawing her way back to the top. It's not a fault of this game that she wasn't allowed to ever reach that top afterward despite what the ending implied.

That Longest Prologue Ever sucked! - That is a very subjective opinion. 

Cloud's Side Story sucked! - Yes, but it's just a few scenes long, and finishing it is optional. It's a similar case to Atlantica, which is entirely optional. If you don't like it, don't play it.

Gameplay is no longer challenging! - This was never entirely true (certain points of the game are very challenging, particularly in its second half), and it has been particularly debunked through the Critical Mode of Final Mix.

Too many boring long-ass cutscenes! - Oh, you don't like that? Get used to it, it's not going away from the rest of the series.

These worlds are not fun to play through! - That depends on what you want out of them, as there are plenty of people who prefer the more linear, combat-oriented action RPG style than the larger, platforming style of the first KH, which they claim were the ones that were not fun to play through. And even if you want more exploration and item collecting in the worlds like there was in the first KH, then the Final Mix edition has you covered. 

The finale to the story was awful! - No. Not at all. Fuck you.

The experience is not magical whatsoever because the Disney magic was consumed in a Nomura explosion! - No. That's the series beyond. This was pure compromise: not as much unrestrained Disney magic as the original game but not as much of a Nomura explosion as what followed, but a balance where both were equally rich in quality and quantity, and so fans of both could appreciate it. Like with the Disney world visits, this is the way the series should have stayed, instead of granting Nomura unlimited power and the ability to destroy it with his own self-indulgent crap. 

[kinetic-elaboration]

February 5: Thoughts on The 100 2x03 Reapercussions

I am very tired and I should sleep but instead I’m going to bring my The 100 rewatch project out of hiatus yet again with Episode 2x03: Reapercussions.

I miss Anya so much!!!!! This is mostly my Dichen Lachman obsession showing but also the way she gives Clarke that ‘yeah, whatever’ look when Clarke says she’ll get her out of the cage... your Grounder fave could never.

The show honestly peaked with S2 and after this it should have abandoned all attempts at edginess because nothing will ever be more Pure Nightmare Fuel than the Mount Weather Grounder Cages.

Clarke/Anya: the ship that almost was.

So when Clarke takes Anya out of the prison room, she opens a door that says “End Containment Area” and underneath that it says “U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Mount Weather Containment Protocol.” And people really thought JRoth made this up omg learn some history.

Considering how they left things (Anya literally trying to kill her and all her friends) it’s actually pretty impressively selfless and magnanimous on Clarke’s part to not just rescue her, but immediately and unthinkably rescue her. On the other hand, Anya feels some remorse for leaving her people whereas Clarke’s like ‘here are some clothes [even though those random bandages are holding up pretty well??], let’s get a move on!’ (I know she intended to come back for them and she was being smart and practical but from the pov of, say, Jasper or Monty, this is cold as hell of her.)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: early S2 Clarke is Peak Clarke: smart, sly, practical, brave.

Byrne mentions Earth Skills teacher “Davis” as being part of the search team for Bell et. al. My question: how many Earth Skills teachers did they have lol?

I fucking love this crashed-ship aesthetic omg I forget how much I love it and then I see it again....

“On the Ark, you did anything you wanted, without a second thought about the consequences.” Like mother, like daughter.

I ALSO miss Jasper and Maya. I’m probably like the lone person out there who still remembers them fondly but they were basically perfect because they were sweet but with the potential for a lot of darkness as well, my favorite combination.

WHERE’S MY ART SCHOOL JAYA AU?

So actually fun fact, that isn’t how the art work would have been stored in Mount Weather. They had special containers for the paintings to protect them and like a special cart thing to transport them quickly from their old homes to the bunker I read a book.

No one ever characterizes him this way sufficiently imo but Monty is really quite uptight in a way. Like first: don’t cockblock him man. And second: just chilll. This is probably why he used to smoke weed.

“Trouble? It’s Clarke. Whatever she’s up to, I’m sure she can handle it.” I mean.... he’s not wrong.

Except for the part where she’s covered in dead bodies. But even then...

So I always felt like the main point of the Reapers was as kind of a zombie police force for Mount Weather: to keep the Grounders scared of the Mountain, so they won’t poke around in it too much. Though of course they also collect Grounders, which is helpful, since the Mountain Men can’t walk that far from their home base (and, as stated, they probably want to keep most of that area Grounder-free anyway). But it occurs to me now that a third use of the Reapers is like dead-body collectors? The Mountain dumps the dead bodies out the trap door, and the Reapers take them away and eat them. So gross and efficient all at once. Mount Weather’s motto basically.

Murphy and his creating-a-distraction stones are still one of the funniest jokes this show has ever pulled, though if it were a quicker reveal after “something like that” it would be funnier.

Never mind, Bellamy appearing out of the bush is true underrated comedy gold,

That said, I feel like everything outside of the Mount Weather and Clarke stories here is filler.

Love! That! Ship!

Major Byrne says that Kane is on the verge of losing control of the camp but... I dunno.... everyone seems to be working together pretty well? Maybe if they had diversified the cast a little, not in terms of yet more Grounders but, like, non-leaders of the Ark, that would be more clear????

Okay, well, admittedly, when the Grounder prisoner is brought in they do start a mini-mob, lol. Also one of the delinquent’s fathers is shot, it would be cool if we knew who he was?? ETA: and then he dies and Abby’s like “does he have any family?” lol he just said that his son was one of the 100 so like obviously he does??

The costuming people, like the set people, really are the geniuses of this show. I love Clarke and Anya’s outfits, and Clarke’s hair somehow being both grungy and beautiful like THAT’s the apocalypse style I wanna see.

Also they absolutely 100% would have gotten together in the S2-S3 hiatus if Anya hadn’t been killed off.

“You saved my life because you needed me” IS true but she also did it absolutely without hesitation, even knowing Anya really quite truly hates her, so this speaks either to some foolhardy bravery mixed in with her practical thoughts, or just straight compassion, or both. I guess that sort of is a Clarke thing. She can be a grudge holder (seriously don’t tell me she isn’t: Wells????) but her grudges are NEVER more important than hard-nosed practical problem-solving.

Time for some gratuitous torture. Honestly, I like Season 2, it’s probably my favorite season, but it has some MAJOR filler problems. Like when it’s good it’s THE BEST but then other times it just doesn’t know how to fill 40 minutes so it resorts to pointless diversions (like Bellamy rappelling down the side of a mountain to save a character who is literally never seen again? for some reason?) or just straight out ugly violence for screaming’s sake (Raven’s surgery, Raven’s Grounder torture, Abby’s shocklashing, etc.) Like honestly I can’t even watch this. I’m just gonna browse tumblr until it’s done.

The Arkers really like the concept of “confessing” don’t they?

Like okay I’m not done WHAT IS THE POINT of this? It all but kills the whole Kabby vibe (I still lowkey ship them but sometimes I think...why?), it’s truly painful to watch, and it has no plot purpose AT ALL not even world-building because, lol, we know the writers don’t care to flesh out Camp Jaha in any real way.

Murphy is taking such sad glee out of instigating Finn’s madness/violence. The Luci of The 100 for sure.

This Bellamy story line is boring though I’m sorry. Some of these scenes (the Clarke or Mount Weather ones) I could watch a million times but this is like... kay, I know what happens already. So.

“There are some lines you can’t uncross.” I mean I think this show has actually shown that’s pretty untrue since people get over almost everything pretty fast. There’s always another horrific thing to do and/or experience!

Yeah my bitterness is seeping in.

Anyway when you come into an interrogation knowing what the “right” answer is, you’ll never learn anything, take note, stupid teenager boys + U.S. law enforcement.

Like honestly this Grounder is 500000x smarter than they are. He saves himself and rains gunfire and destruction upon his enemies. (Well, saves himself for a few minutes--but at least he got to cause harm to those he hates!)

“You thought I was the crazy one, huh?” Was Murphy ever crazy, though, or was he just coldly vengeful?

Speaking of coldly vengeful, Byrne could have been a potentially interesting character? Maybe? I’m not really into the type but as I said I want more Arkers wherever I can find them. And Kane needs real opposition. I have sympathy for him to a degree, but I also think he ultimately weakens rather than strengthens himself.

I love when Monty calls bullshit on stuff. “I can’t see Clarke? Try and fucking stop me, bitches.”

Jasper has such a big heart. Truly the emotional core of this friendship.

I like how Kane speaks as if his “diplomatic mission” of adults is so vastly different than Bellamy and Finn just going off on their own I mean, Byrne is little better than Finn? They’re both easily frustrated and fond of torture? It’s just that Byrne understands a chain of command--barely--that’s literally it.

How does it make literally any sense at all to shocklash a person one hour and make her the Chancellor the next? Like you’ve just encouraged the populace to think of her as nothing special, not above the embarrassing public application of extreme pain--but yes by all means expect them to fall into line behind her leadership. I mean I guess this sort of works if she was already somehow beloved (I guess I’m supposed to just believe that?) and now more sympathy has been generated for her--but such sympathy would seem to come at the expense of Kane. It would seem to be the opposite of what he, or really Byrne, was going for with that disgusting display. But whatever memory is a fiction I guess.

And they have this swelling-music romantic eye-fuck goodbye like??? He was just beating you!! JUST NOW!

What I’m getting out of Murphy advocating for killing the Grounder: first, he has a clear, cold, practicality not unlike Clarke, and two, he still thinks of the delinquents as his friends--how sweet. Two days ago he was killing them, holding them hostage, and stealing their ammo before a huge battle but still. Bygones.

This is not a great ep. for Bellamy leadership lol.

Finn executes a man, while wearing Clarke’s watch, in the place they had sex. Seems...symbolic?? IDK it’s late lol.

I miss Nyko a lot but also now that I’ve seen (part of) Slasher I’m not entirely sure I can ever see Ty Olsson in the same light.

Wouldn’t it be funny if they were literal brothers? Because I always assumed this was metaphorical but...was it? WAS IT?

Weird note to end on, I know. If patterns hold, it’ll be another 2-3 months before I do this again but I’ll try to be a little more on the ball about it.

[implexadyth]

How the PLL Finale Retroactively Ruined the Show

This was honestly the most baffling series finale I have ever seen, and that includes (yes, really) the finale to How I Met Your Mother. Let me break it down for you, and explain exactly why it is so mind-bogglingly terrible.

 ~From opening credits to the 40-minute mark: random filler dream sequences, pointless cameos, and fan-fiction lip service smut, the latter of which might have made sense if they hadn’t inserted about fifty sex scenes into the previous two episodes as well. 

Then came what was arguably the best scene of the episode, Twincer mimicking Spencer as she wakes up in her high-tech underground bunker, complete with fake atmosphere and nature, built in a year under the entire town of Rosewood via a single entrance below a private house by contractors who didn’t care about bylaws, zoning restrictions, or the need to provide silent heavy machinery that can be condensed into the size of a doorframe to be reconstructed inside Toby’s house in order to complete their job. Awesome! I thought that was a neat way to introduce the twincer concept, with the mirror imaging. My optimism for the episode rises slightly.

The Spencer-twin theory was the one I was predicting would be brought to the table, so I was gratified to be correct. I’d seen interviews with I. Marlene King where she said she’d read correct theories online, and I’ve read (and constructed!) some very complex ones that would have tied together most of the series, so at this point, my impatience brought on by the complete waste of my time creating a 2-hour finale was dissolving.

Oh man, was I in for it! BLIMEY!

               I’m entirely baffled by the rest of the finale, save for Mona’s ending, which was hilarious if not completely logical (let’s be honest, we all suspend our logic somewhat when watching this show. We have to.) But the A.D. reveal? The only explanation for the way they built Alex Drake’s backstory is that somehow they deliberately conceived of a character whose existence could create an explanation for 90% of the plotholes of the entire 7 seasons, give the show a deeper meaning, and give reason to the fact that multiple random people seem to want to torture a specific handful of (admittedly thoughtless and sometimes downright idiotic) suburban highschoolers-turned-grownups in a game of Pass The Torture Baton ….and then said, hey, fuck it! That’d be too easy; let’s actually go to MORE effort to give her a backstory that not only has raging plotholes of its own, but retroactively ruins the CeCe reveal (which was culturally insensitive in and of itself, but let’s not even go there).

How does this retroactively ruin the CeCe reveal, you ask? Not sure why you would, but let’s indulge. If CeCe was having this sisterly relationship with Alex since she left for France, which was canonically taking place after the girls killed Shana in New York, then why was CeCe’s obsession with Alison? Alison, homecoming queen, must reconcile with my sister Alison! Pictures of Alison all over my lairs, and the dollhouse is so I can bring a homecoming for my sister Alison, and I’m going to leave lots of clues about my origins with the DiLaurentis family. Except I already found a true sister in Europe, and my other actual biological sister is Spencer, but fuck her, because for some reason, the Hastings are TERRIBLE PEOPLE, Alex, just trust me (*cough cough* pot, kettle, black *cough cough*).

Aside from the fact that I don’t understand why Charlotte would have a particular vendetta against Spencer, at least enough to tell Alex that she needs to stay away from her, the timeline also makes no sense. If, as Alex says, Wren and Melissa were already broken up by the time she met him, which was obviously before she met Charlotte, since he introduced them, then the scene with Hanna and Melissa in London makes no sense. How could Hanna run into Melissa in London DURING the five-year time jump, with them conversing about how Melissa and Wren recently broke up, if they were already broken up for good before the dollhouse episodes occurred?

Of course, this is only one of many, many gaping holes (phrasing) in this incredibly condensed half-finale reveal. Many people have said, “it’s Pretty Little Liars! Stop thinking it through so much.” And I’m like, “yes, hello 2017, I realize that suspending disbelief and lowering your standards below ground level are basically a necessity for this brave new world, but somehow I still manage to press on with it.”

The reason that these lackluster explanations are so infuriating is two-fold. First, the show has historically managed to weave complex concepts and suspenseful plotlines, while dropping hints that are obscure and yet indicate the potential that the overall conclusion of the show could redeem the many failings it has. Second, and most importantly, it actually quite literally would have been EASIER to use the twin theory to retroactively explain the overall arc of the show in a satisfying way. At the moment that Alex says goodbye to Charlotte as she returns to the US and says she never saw her alive again, my friend and I paused the show (thank god I downloaded this illegally, I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I’d paid to watch that episode), and looked at each other in disbelief. Don’t worry, past self! It’ll only get more horrifyingly, entertainingly bad.

With the exception of episode 7x19, the entire seventh season was filler, and not even good filler. I convinced myself that it was because they were building up to a dramatic, shocking and satisfying finale. I also told myself I wasn’t going to be too optimistic, but clearly I was in serious, life-threatening denial. After suffering through an entire year consisting of 9 filler episodes and a lot of waiting, the entire deductive process of the main characters discovering A.D.’s identity can be summed up in two lines of dialogue (paraphrased): 

Toby: “you guys! A horse and Jenna told me Spencer isn’t herself! Also she gave me a book! She’s a twin, she’s evil! We have to get her!” 

Everyone else: “uhhh hang on we were engaging in illegal and grossly inappropriate investigation of our friends’ credit card statements and GPS tracking because he was mean and left our other friend at the altar! P.S. I still don’t understand why people always want to torture us! A twin, you say? TWINS RUN IN THEIR FAMILY! Say no more! Let’s hurry and get there before we run out of time in this finale, I swear there was a reason it was two hours long.”

I actually calculated the time that this scene took, and it was exactly one minute. From Toby arriving and spewing nonsense about Spencer’s book when they were asking about Ezra’s whereabouts, to them just accepting what wasn’t even presented as a theory, but a statement of fact based on the testimony of one of their sworn enemies, and a horse (this is so ridiculous, it bears repeating). Literally 60 effing seconds. I’m so glad they stayed true to the fans by indulging in their enjoyment of the process, of the deduction and clues that led to their discovery of villains or potential villains over the years.

Still not convinced? This isn’t enough lead-up? Don’t change the channel! Just wait! There’s more! We’ve got the most exhausted TV trope in history, the “which twin is the evil twin? Let’s ask a question only the REAL Spencer Hastings would know! Better hope the twin never read the book that she knew her doppelganger loved so much, despite the fact that she clearly spent months or years studying her as to effectively mimic her and be able to regurgitate specific bits of knowledge from her life or memories by rote, and also knew to give you the book in the first place. But oh wait, she didn’t even bother to make sure her copy looked like the original, so somehow she is omniscient and yet also lacks a keen eye for detail simultaneously.”

Mona’s ending was clever and satisfying, aside from the fact that they painted Mary Drake as an insane-yet-still-protective mother to Spencer, but then we were supposed to be happy about her eternal torture and misery at the hands of another mentally ill person. Aside from all the incredibly offensive lessons we’ve been taught by PLL about mental health issues, the Mona ending was somewhat fulfilling, and had they ended the finale there, I might have upgraded my evaluation of this episode from 0.0003/10 to 0.0005/10. But no, they had a group of the most awkward and untalented pre-teens regurgitate the exact script from the beginning of the pilot, a move so bewilderingly stupid, I don’t even understand how the executives gave this thing the green light. Who are these people, and why are they getting paid exponentially higher salaries than I am? What is most confusing about this is that I watched an interview with I. Marlene King where she was bursting with pride about this “full-circle moment” and couldn’t wait to reveal it to the fans. Did she actually watch the final edit of this thing? The only part of this that feels full-circle is the way it resembles a dog chasing its tail. Pointless, self-serving, and humorous in the most ridiculous way.

The most entertaining part of this entire experience is that they spent 7 years teaching their fans how to use social media and technology to harass people who have wronged them, and then completed their run by creating an ending that would instil the same emotions into those people. Good luck with that! (N.B.: I do not endorse this in any way. I mean that truly; you deserve better than to waste any more time or effort on this show, or anyone who had a hand in crafting that ending).

               Personally, I’ll end this with my relatively simplistic alternate explanation/ending that would have circumvented all of this bullshit, then sigh a breath of relief at the catharsis that is walking away from all those wasted hours of my life. As an aside, I hope Troian Bellisario goes on to bigger and better things – her accent wasn’t great, but her acting was fantastic. You were the sole saving grace of this episode. In the meantime, I recommend to anyone who hasn’t watched the finale yet: pretend that 7x19 is the last episode, for your own sake. It has a decent ending, and while it doesn’t answer most of your questions, it doesn’t retroactively ruin the entire 7 seasons preceding it, either.

How it Actually Should Have Ended

-          “I’m your twin! Alex Drake!” *Spencer gasps in shock*.

-          “How is this possible?” The fans ask.

-          She tells her story:

-          I was adopted from Radley, but given back because by the time I could form memories, I was already too much of a rascal! I was raised in Radley under the name Bethany Young, and Alison lured me from the Sanitarium with the intention to kill me out of jealousy. I can make plans too, though! I convinced another patient with blond hair to come with me, and put her in the clothes Jessica gave me. She was buried by Melissa, who thought she was Alison. The same person who switched Alison’s dental records did the same for me, and also I found out my real name is Alex Drake. From then on, I was obsessed with getting revenge with not only Alison for plotting to kill me, but also the girls who let her get away with being such an abysmal person. As a bonus, one of them is my twin sister who had the luck of being born a minute before me, and therefore got a fabulously privileged life, while most of mine was spent in Radley. So I enlisted Mona and then Charlotte, whom I discovered to be my sister during my investigation of my family tree (and was lucky enough to be cooped up in Radley too! Double score on the background connections!) to help me get revenge on those I perceived to be the source of my own misery in life.

-          No? Too easy? I guess we’ll just have to insert a time-travelling paradox of a backstory to explain my existence, because otherwise our executive producer would have to actually re-watch some of the episodes before writing this finale. And that would be way, way too much work (considering the pittance I’m sure she’s paid) to create the ending to a show whose premise is the unraveling of a mystery. It’s okay, the show was insanely popular enough to give her more work in the future, no matter how badly she cratered the one episode that could have made the whole thing brilliant.

[shad0wpuppetz]

Iron Fist Rant

Alright, so, the more distant I get from having watched this trash fire, the less I liked it, and even though only maybe 3 people will read this, I’d really like to rant about it at length. 

WARNING: This rant is long as hell and full of spoilers. 

Many of my problems with the show revolve around the characters. This is an especially heinous grievance since the other Marvel Netflix series have such strong, well-written characters (more often than not). In this case, there is only one character who is entirely consistent throughout the entire series, and it’s Joy Meachum. Joy’s decisions are the only decisions that make any real sense. Everything she does has a reason, even when she’s willing to betray Danny for the sake of her father. She has, after all, just found out that her father has been dead after she saw him die of cancer when she was 13 years old. Oh, and there’s Claire Temple, who has her own issues, but everyone else is a shitty character who is not consistent in any way at all.

We can start with the man himself, Danny Rand. So in the first couple of episodes, Danny is super interesting. Like, yes, there’s this problem with a white dude being raised by monks and using Eastern Mysticism to save the world in his own white way. Honestly, whatever, they give story reasons for him to be a white guy raised in a monastery. When he starts out as a barefoot, fish out of water monk in New York City who is often mistaken for a homeless guy, he was way more interesting. Honestly, this is probably a very Buddhist thing for him to do (forgive me, I don’t know as much about Buddhism as I should to make this claim, but I feel that his philosophy carries over somewhat with him in these beginning few episodes). I do know enough about Buddhism to know that his temper tantrum over not getting his half of Rand Enterprises isn’t in line with the philosophy he was supposed to have over the last 15 years or so. I know that his very sudden transformation from bare-foot, innocent, wide-eyes martial artist in the city into wealthy business man who buys an Aston Martin and lives in a penthouse apartment is extremely unrealistic. Sure, we see him making business decisions based on what is “right” and “good” and “just” or whatever, but there’s no fish out of water transition here. He has been gone from the world for 15 years in an inter-dimensional monastery. Granted, I don’t know what kind of technology was available to him there, but in his flashbacks we don’t see any of it. Yet he has no trouble adjusting to any recent technology, he has no trouble having to wear shoes, he has no trouble at all transitioning to CEO and majority shareholder of probably a Fortune 500 company. We see him shirk his duties often to go fight for justice, but there are no real consequences for this. Sure, the Meachum siblings get a bit salty, and he’s fired for like 3 episodes, but nothing lasts and he doesn’t really seem to care beyond his own white privilege birthright or whatever. 

Then there’s Colleen. Boy do I have a problem with Colleen. As one of (arguably 3?) poc cast members, she seemed really shoehorned in. So we see this salty Chinese(?) lady putting up flyers in Central Park (or wherever) and Danny Rand immediately does the most racist thing he possibly can and starts speaking to her in Mandarin. Like?????? Fucking really???? And she was like “It’s been a really long time since I’ve spoken that, I speak Japanese these days!” Or... something. Honestly I didn’t go back and watch it, the show seemed really confused about her ethnicity. It’s as if the show writers were a bunch of white people who were like “She’s Chinese, or Japanese. Whatever, they’re the same thing, right?” and just went with that. So Danny asks her for a job, and she says no, and then she leaves. Then he goes and SEEK HER OUT like some creepy stalker weirdo, but we as the viewer are supposed to think this is okay because he’s our barefooted white hero. She, admittedly, is not okay with this at first. Colleen is this amazing martial artist who tries to give kids from bad neighborhoods structure and discipline. She, at this point, is extremely protective of them and loves what she does and is worried about losing her dojo because she can’t make rent. She tells Danny off, she is a good enough actress to make it clear that she wants nothing to do with him. I was convinced, we were all convinced, but he KEEPS. COMING. BACK. This is NOT OKAY. Listen, boys who might be reading this, if a woman wants you to go away, just fucking go away. I promise most women aren’t going to be the subject of weak writing and eventually decide they’re in love with you have have sex with you because you keep coming back to them. We kept seeing Colleen after this, there wasn’t any point until one time he returns and she just gives up ever getting rid of this asshole white guy. We find out she’s training Claire Temple to defend herself. Colleen decides she’s in love with Danny for some reason and they have sex-- even though he tells her all about his vow of chastity (another thing he just fucking stops having because what does philosophy matter for a fucking monk anyway, right?). I don’t have a problem with romantic subplots in shows. I like them if they’re well done (many these days are not, but still). This one was not well done. It really seemed like the original intention was for Danny and Joy to get together, they had a lot more chemistry and history. Colleen’s interest in Danny comes with a complete and random change of heart. She goes from being this badass, protective martial arts mom to the damsel love interest who didn’t know she organization (spoilers, it’s the Hand) she’s been apart of forever had a goddamn murder dungeon on the complex.

Let’s talk about that, shall we?

So, we meet Colleen’s sensei, a Latinx dude named Bakuto who is coded as villainous from the very beginning. To no one’s surprise, he is the leader of a splinter faction of The Hand who opposes Madam Gao’s way of doing things, it’s not important to this rant. What is important to this rant is that Colleen has been a part of this organization for an indeterminate amount of years and she INSISTS that this faction of The Hand is Different. She swears that they don’t like Madam Gao, that they don’t do stuff quite as shady as she does, that they all have normal jobs and they help people! To no one’s surprise (again), we find out about the murder dungeon: we find out about it through Colleen’s former students. There is nothing that could have convinced me that Colleen is the only member of this faction of The Hand who didn’t know about the shady shit that was going on in that house that NO ONE was allowed to go to. Really? You’re trying to sell me this badass, intelligent martial arts lady and she doesn’t know about the bad shit even her Different faction of The Hand is doing? She needs white goddamn privilege Danny Rand to show her? Give me a break.

Then there’s the huge plot hole in the form of Claire Temple. Now, I like Claire a lot. She’s cool, she’s capable, she is fairly well developed, I see why she has the following she does. However, Colleen and Danny decide that they’re going to go to China and take on The Hand at its source. Whatever, I don’t have an issue with that. What I do have an issue with is that Claire has Matt Murdock, the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, on speed dial. Matt Murdock HATES The Hand. He is the reason that Claire even knows who they are. What I’m wondering is why she didn’t go “Hey, I know DareDevil, let me call him up and he’ll come with us. We probably need all the help we can get to take down this giant international organization.” And you know what would have happened? Matt would have picked up the phone, and he would have been like “The Hand? I’m already here outside of their compound, what’s taking you so long?” Like, I get that Marvel wants to give each Defender their own introduction, but it causes a lot of confusion as to why the one link between them, Claire Temple, seems to refuse to call one or a few of them up for help. Hell, even if she TRIED to get Matt on the line and it kept going to voicemail it would at least acknowledge that she tried and that we are, in fact, in a continuity here.

As far as Harold Meachum is concerned, the writers seemed like they were going for depth and complexity and just ended up with a clumsily written pseudo-villain. You start out thinking he’s on the side of the angels, because he wants Danny’s help to oust the Hand from Rand enterprises. He made a deal with the devil and he wants to try to trick the devil out of it. Fine. But then he mistreats his assistant and his son to a degree that we aren’t sympathetic with him. We probably shouldn’t be sympathetic with him, we think he’s working for the good of everyone, but then he’s this selfish person who wants what’s best for himself. Which, fine, but it really wasn’t played that way at all. His motivations came off as confusing, he was erratic and strange and not in any really convincing way. He waffles back and forth and many of his choices don’t seem to be consistent with... anything. Ward, his son, is the only person besides members of The Hand and, later, Danny, who knows that Harold is still alive from the majority of the series. We are supposed to believe that Harold has gaslighted his son into obeying his every command. Ward weakly tries to rebel against him to no effect. Ward is also erratic and strange, with many of his choices not being internally consistent with who I think he was supposed to be as a character.

Granted, some of the strongest scenes in the series are between Ward and Joy, but it isn’t enough to save it from all of the confusing random bullshit that happens as filler in the middle. Not only are the characters not all that well done, but man does this series get BORING in its middle episodes. Even season 2 of DareDevil kept me mostly interested throughout, and no one liked season 2 of DareDevil. I powered through to the unsatisfying ending, though, and after a few weeks of thinking about it, decided that I fucking hated the Iron Fist. It was bad. Don’t watch it.

[amorremanet]

it’s “meet the queens” time!

Oh no, it’s an RPDR Season 9 “Meet The Queens” reaction post. Why? Because this is my favorite show and I’m fucking excited for season 9, that’s why.

(to the surprise of probably no one ever — at least, no one who knows my Types of favorite queens on this show or in general — I’m Team Alexis Mich., Team Eureka, Team Jaymes, Team Nina Bo’Nina, Team Peppermint, and Team Shea)

Aja: Oh my god, what a dork. What a glamorous beautiful dork. I love her.

I’m kind of getting Filler Queen vibes from her “meet the queens” video, though? Not like a, “she’ll go home in episode two or three” filler queen

But more like a, “She’ll probably make it halfway, and then either crumble under the pressure or have a Come To Jesus Moment, pull out some fierceness and fight that her currently sort of flazédah attitude is hiding, and go a little bit further but likely not by that much; it’ll probably be a miracle if she makes top 5, even though I’d personally like to see her there because she seems like a lot of fun” filler queen.

Then again, that’s what everybody thought about Naomi, and she proved everyone wrong by making the top three, so heeey. Maybe Aja will prove me wrong.

I hope she does. I’d like to be wrong about this, and given how often I go painfully out of my way just to avoid being wrong so that no one can tell me that I’m wrong, the fact that I hope Aja shuts me up and proves me wrong really says a lot about how much I like her.

Tangential aside: one of the instagram pics I’ve seen of her? has her wearing a bodysuit one of my sister’s friends designed and rocking it so beautifully. Girl’s got taste.

Also, “Gaultier meets, like, Mugler meets like, furry monsters? But pastel!” — I fucking love her.

If I’m not wrong, though, I’m going to be upset when she goes home, but in a way where it’s like, “I want you NOT to go home because I like you and you’re hella talented, but I’ve been here since they replayed season one right before season two started airing, and I really, really, REALLY hope you prove me wrong and don’t turn into a middle-of-the-season exit queen, but it kinda seems like you might. If that does happen, then you’re still great, even though I feel like I can see the hypothetical elimination coming from a mile away.

“Which absolutely isn’t on you, it’s just on the format of this show and the fact that Ru has flat-out said that she manipulates things in order to create a story. No matter what happens, you’re wicked fucking stunning, and I like you. ♡”

That said? Aja has a lot of talent — girl can LEGITIMATELY RAP jfc — so yeah, she’s young and currently coming off a little flazédah, but the potential is definitely there, so she might surprise me and I really, really hope she does because that would be exciting and so cool to see

And I mean like she could, “Dida seeming really demure and unsure of herself, and then did you SEE the, ‘This Will Be’ lipsync? SHE DID THAT” kind of surprise me

Aja might be kinda flazédah right now, but I see the glimmers of a big damn, “HOLY SHIT, SHE DID THAT” level of surprise, just waiting to be coaxed out

I hope she does that

Whatever “that” ends up being for Aja? I hope she does that

Alexis Michelle: HIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE, I love her. Motherfucker, she’s a theatre kid queen who can trufax sing live and has a total Theatre Kid Attitude — like, even when she’s being more or less chill, like she is in her “meet the queens” video, she’s got a spark of something that makes me go, “heeeey, fellow theatre kid” — I LOVE IT.

Like, Tammie “oh my god, please stop talking, you are not all that or even that unique and you absolutely annoy the ever-living shit out of me” Brown aside, I’m always here for the theatre kid queens. I love them and I’m planning to love the shit out of Alexis Mich., too.

(She has to be Alexis Mich. because we already have Alexis Matteo, and unfortunately, saying, “Alexis M.” is pointless, as both of them have frigging M names.)

Also, her droll attitude and tongue-in-cheek, somewhat self-deprecating but even more self-laudatory sense of humor is kinda feeling like, “what if Oscar Wilde were a neon colored drag queen from New York City?” and J’ADOOOOORE.

I hope she goes pretty far, but I also admit that I’m currently loving her too much to make an objective call about where she might place.

Charlie Hides: Okay, I’ll admit? I wasn’t sure about Charlie until I did my second pass of the “meet the queens” vids — but now I’m sure, and oh my god, I really like her. She’s so sweet, she’s clever and it’s subtle — a couple of her vids I just went and watched on youtube might seem really obvious in their humor, but then they have random little bits that jump out at you and make you go, “OH SHIT HOW DID I MISS THAT” — and she’s got her shit together really well. I’m excited to see what she brings to the game and how far she goes.

Calling it now? Unless she goes home, like, really early because she ends up being An Older Queen Who Is Too Set In Her Ways To Adapt To The Show’s Demands, Even Though She’s Actually Pretty Talented (think Porkchop, think Penny, think Vivacious, think Tempest, think Mrs. Davis), she is one of the queens in this season who’s most likely to end up with a, “justice for [insert name here]” hashtag.

#justice-for-ms-royale #latrice-was-robbed #still-bitter

That said, I don’t see her ending up in this position, like. She might be the oldest contestant at the time of competition, but like? A few years ago, she did a, “shit Lana del Rey” video that was both hilariously apt, and not just, “older person who doesn’t get the ~young people’s music~ making fun of a ~young people’s music~ artist because fuck the young people lol,” like?? it was a genuine parody

Also, she looked just like Lana del Rey. Eerily so.

I wanna see what Charlie brings to the snatch game, holy shit

I’m pretty sure she and Nina Bo’Nina are going to be top three for that challenge, and one of them will probably win, and I want it I want it I want it I want it

*GRABBY HANDS*

To be fair? Charlie might win the whole show, and I think she’ll at least make it to the middle, if not the top five, but I don’t think, based on precedent and her temperament, that she’s going to win.

She is DEFINITELY an early front-runner for Miss Congeniality, though, and I feel like she’s all but guaranteed to join the ranks of Bendela, Trixie, Thorgy and Latrice as this year’s, “justice for [insert name here] queen

Eureka O’Hara: Okay, if I may address Queen Eureka personally for a moment? ……You had me at, “I just looked at my vacuum cleaner and went, ‘Americans will be able to spell that out, and sound that out,’ so I became Eureka. :}”

Seriously, though. WHAT A BABE

WHAT A RED HOT FOX

WHAT A GORGEOUS FUCKING PUNK ROCK DRAG QUEEN INCARNATION OF FABULOUSNESS

WHAT A BABE

“I love to push the boundaries and the molds of what the bigger community’s been given. I like to wear things that we’re not supposed to wear, I like to have the shape that we’re not supposed to have, and I like to dance hard and do things that they don’t expect a big girl to do.”

YES

PLEASE

YES PLEASE DO THAT

DO ALL OF IT

I’VE SEEN SOME OF YOUR PERFORMANCE VIDS ON YOUTUBE BECAUSE THE RPDR SUB-REDDIT IS UP ON SHARING THOSE AND HOLY SHIT THE TALENT

YOU ALSO SEEM REALLY GREAT IN GENERAL

If we’re declaring early team allegiances, then I am absolutely on #TeamEureka

Okay, I need to be open about my bias here, because I am biased and I feel obligated to mention it? So, it has always been my Personal Policy to stan my little heart out for the big girl queens on this show because:

1. I am fat

2. Fuck yeah, I love a big queen, drag would be super boring without body type diversity and big queens are one of the best sources of body type diversity

3. There’s probably a nostalgia element, because my first exposure to drag anything was, uh, Ru herself back in the early 90’s? But after that, my first was Divine, and I MEAN REALLY. One of my formative queer influences and first big exposures to the art of drag was a glamorous, freaky trash queen who unapologetic and in your face about being fat and loving herself — so yeah, it does make me feel happy to see big queens out there, being fat and rocking it and going, “hey fuck you” if you don’t like it

4. My buddy, my guy, the world is so shitty and sizeist to fat people in general, and then there’s even worse shit that fat LGBTQ people have to put up with — even within LGBTQ communities, because so many thin or, “average sized” LGBTQ people are sizeist, fat-shaming dicks who don’t want acknowledge that we exist because we, “make the rest of the LGBTQ community look bad”

—and THEN, there’s so much additional complete bullshit that effete/“queeny”/etc. GBTQ men have to put up with and butch/“masculine”/etc. LGBTQ women have to put up with by virtue of being gender non-conforming — so yeah, it’s brave and rebellious and cool as Hell for fat drag queens to get out there and do their thing and I respect the shit out of them for doing it

and 5. Because big, fat drag queens are fabulous and fucking awesome, fuck you, that’s why

So, yeah. I’ve stanned for every big queen on this show.

Porkchop, I admittedly missed during her actual season, but every other big queen, I got while she was airing. I stanned for all of them, idgaf how busted they might have been, or how soon they went home, or even if they got rather bitter.

I’ve had to retract that stanning from time to time — by which I mean, “Mimi Imfurst, full stop, end discussion. But she was the only Big Damn Girl queen who I ever stopped stanning.”

Roxxxy would’ve been here too, because I did get Tired of her during season five, but:

1. redemption arc earned on All Stars 2, she did good and showed how she’s grown as a person, it’s not her fault that Alaskatox turned her into Rebecca Glasscock 2.0, and even when I was Tired of her back in s5, I could admit that she wasn’t always a great performer, but she is a fierce queen;

and 2. she was always in the, “in between”-y category with Alexis Matteo, to me? Like, “thick and juicy” aside, Roxxxy never particularly read as A Big Girl in the same way that The Big Damn Girls do.

(Aside, while we’re on the subject? I LOVE ALEXIS MATTEO, OH MY GOD. idegaf that she started out season three as, “the bitchy PR queen” as opposed to Yara, “the lovably wacky PR queen” — Alexis is gr10, she’s a champ, I fucking love her

THIS QUEEN LITERALLY WORE A CAROUSEL THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING MOVED, SHE WORE IT AS A DRESS, ONLY ALEXIS FREAKING MATTEO, MAN)

But even as bitter as they got sometimes, I didn’t completely give up on Darienne, Delta, or Ginger. I mean, Darienne’s not one of my Faves and I don’t think she should’ve gone as far as she did (she got lucky in some places where other queens genuinely did worse, so I can’t exactly argue, but ugh, still), and I love Ginger but can admit that her attitude can be off-putting

But Delta Work is still one of my favorite faves, like? If I had to be as close to objective as possible? No, she isn’t one of the best queens the show’s ever seen ever, but she’s one of my personal favorites and has been since before her season even properly aired because she was a glamorous big girl who had an awesome name

And as busted as Mystique Summers, Penny Tration, and my sweet bb Jiggly could be, they’re #FLAWLESS in my heart

If I could get away with and afford it, I would drive the ~250 miles (~500 miles total) to Cincinnati to see Mystique Summers perform four nights a week, idegaf, she’s one of my #FLAWLESS Big Damn Girl queens and I love her

There was also a stretch of time in undergrad where I could go, “BITCH, I AM FROM CHICAGO!” along with her perfectly during the intro to Untucked

But we don’t talk about that stretch of time anymore, okay

Which all goes back to Queen Eureka because, like

This queen would have to massively Mimi Imfurst levels of fuck up to get me not to stan her from here to 5ever

This goes for Alexis Michelle and Jaymes Mansfield, too, because they’re also bringing some big girl queen swagger to this season and I am EXCITED and planning to stan my little heart out for all three of them

But it goes double for Eureka because she actually lists herself as A Big Girl and makes it part of her meet the queens video and totally embraces it — which isn’t to say that Jaymes and Alexis Mich. don’t, because I’ve got no idea, but they didn’t put it out there quite as unapologetically as Eureka did

(tbf, Alexis Mich. did list, “curve, swerve” as two of the things she’s about, which is an Obvious Shout-Out to Queen Latrice “the Beast” Royale — but Eureka still went, “I’m a big girl,” and was totally punk rock about that, rather than making the tongue-in-cheek allusion to it.

Like, both are valid and endearing approaches, and I like them both, buuuuut speaking strictly in terms of Big Girl Swagger, Eureka being punk about it was a bigger example of Owning One’s Big Girl Status, to me)

So, yeah

Eureka could fuck up like a busted mess and go home on episode 1 and unless she fucks it up as bad as Mimi Imfurst, I’ll still be on her team and really fucking obnoxious about it

I apologize in advance

But in a way where I’m really not sorry at all

“She’s just big and loud and crazy but fun, and she’s gonna entertain both on and off the stage, regardless — that’s just who she is”

HI YES I AM HERE EUREKA

HI YES HI

*WAVES HAND AROUND LIKE HERMIONE GRANGER TRYING TO ANSWER A QUESTION IN CLASS*

HELLO QUEEN EUREKA I AM HERE AND I AM ALREADY FUCKIN ENTERTAINED

WHO YOU ARE IS FABULOUS AND I AM LOVING IT

“The bitches better watch out ‘cuz I might cuss, cut, or eat them”

“the flame that I have under my ass for a fat girl to finally win this competition”

FUCKING GLAZED PERFECTION I’M CRY

Basically, my opinion of Eureka is this:

Farrah Moan: Adorable, and charming, and I feel like she might probably end up in the top five, by virtue of being really put together, or possibly becoming one of Mama Ru’s little Projects where she picks a queen to groom into a bigger, more fully actualized version of herself. I don’t think I see her winning the whole kit-and-kaboodle, but I can definitely see her making the top five.

Also? Like I told my brother, “She’s like if Violet and Robbie had a baby, and that baby is now the head cheerleader who Laila has a teenage dirtbag crush on.”

I’d like to add to this assessment that I feel like Courtney Act is probably her vodka aunt.

It’s a good look. idk if it’s a Top Three material look or not yet, but it’s a good look and she knows what she’s doing with it (or at least, she currently seems to know what she is doing with it)

She’s going to be one to watch, I’m intrigued

I also think she and Laila McQueen should totally swap numbers and somehow put together a number that involves Laila being the trashy goth chick who does fetish modeling on the weekend, and Farrah being the pretty in pink preppy cheerleader who does fetish modeling on the weekend, and dude, I don’t care what happens, I just think they’d play off each other in really entertaining fashions and that, aesthetically, they’re so different that it would HAVE to be visually interesting, even if it hypothetically wound up being a total train-wreck

Can World of Wonder give them a youtube series together

Like shit, just have them, idk

Read questionable Drag Race fanfiction and MST3K the shit out of it, once a week

………pleeeeeease?

Jaymes Mansfield: OH MY GOD REALLY LIKE COULD SHE BE ANY FUCKING CUTER. only if she were, like, covered in adorable kitties and puppies, and there would have to be a lot of them. I’m too excited to guess where she might fall in the placings yet, but she’s super cute, she’s super polished, and super talented, so I’m hoping she goes super far

“I transform myself into Jaymes Mansfield in one simple way: I stand still and spin myself around in a circle like Wonder Woman and POOF! I’m there! :DDDD”

shut all the way up, she’s adorable

also, HEY BIG GIRL QUEEN.

I LOVE YOU, GORGEOUS BIG GIRL QUEEN

seriously, i am so excited about the big girls this season, oh my god

Kimora Blac: Ummmm. Okay, I can see the potential and everything, but all I’ve really got here are some words of wisdom from season three:

Mimi Imfurst: “So, the bitch here? That’s what I need to know, right away.”

Manila Luzon: “I think we’re gonna appoint you! :D”

Like???

That’s literally all I could think of for her entire, “meet the queens” video.

You can just tell: she’s going to be The Bitch this season.

Moreover, she’s got her look down and is probably talented enough to go pretty far while being The Bitch and end up as the Designated Reality Show Villain.

idk how I feel about her drag or personality or anything outside of this whole, “okay yeah no, that one’s definitely gonna end up being The Bitch,” yet?

But she’s gonna be Entertaining, I can feel it

Nina Bo’Nina Brown: OH MY GOD, LOVE HER LOVE HER LOVE HER. If we’re declaring early team allegiances, I’m on Team Nina Bo’Nina. She’s such a nerd, she seems super chill and intelligent and gorgeous, I’d love to go get coffee with her and just listen to her talk about literally anything.

I don’t even need the coffee, I just want to listen to her talk about LITERALLY ANYTHING

especially because her voice is soooooo pretty

If she doesn’t make top three, I will be shocked and probably cry at Ru and Michelle on twitter, because holy crap. Her looks are inventive, she’s got them together, and from some stuff I’ve seen kicking around reddit, she’s a talented performer, too.

I’ve seen a few people around, going, “oh man, I can’t wait to see what she brings for Snatch Game” and???

uh????

I agree

I can’t wait to see what she brings for the Snatch Game, and I hope she’s at least in the top three of that episode, and isn’t another one of the queens who brings the look of their celebrity, but falls flat at the actual game itself (even if it’s not disastrously flat so much as, “the look is good but the performance isn’t particularly memorable,” a la Trinity K.’s Nicki Minaj or Coco’s Janet Jackson)

seriously, though

if she doesn’t make top three, I will be Upset

it will be incredibly demeaning and embarrassing for all of us

and I so won’t care

because J’ADOOOOOORE HOLY SHIT WHAT A QUEEN WHAT THE FUCK EVEN SHE’S BEAUTY SHE’S GRACE SHE PAINTS MAGIC ON HER FACE WHAT MAJESTY SUCH TALENT OH MY GOD I HOPE SHE WINS

#TeamNinaBo’Nina

I refuse to pick one team because fuck you, that’s why

I contain multitudes and have love enough for many queens

Especially when Nina Bo’Nina is so fucking AWESOME, I just???

Peppermint: WHAT A BABE. Seriously, her “meet the queens” video isn’t quite as in-your-face, “HELLO WORLD I AM HERE” as some of the other queens’, but:

1. I don’t think that’s really her personality in general

and 2. her thing of being so relaxed and charming and making it look effortless? I’m so loving it, and she’s so intriguing.

Like, she’s the sort of person you meet at a party who could completely make you fall in love in ten minutes, if she wanted to, and I wanna know more about her.

Plus, I kinda like that, where so many of the other queens are being very upfront I AM HERE — which is mostly working for them, don’t get me wrong — Peppermint is being so chill. It gives her this air of confidence, like she really is secure in her career and her previous achievements, and like she really doesn’t feel she has anything to prove to anyone, except herself. I’m into it.

“I wanna be known for the confidence that I have with my drag as equal to the confidence that I bring to my everyday life as a trans woman, and win! The first transgender winner, that sounds great! :D”

OH GOD I HOPE SO TOO BB

………oh no

i already have at least three queens who i want to win so badly

this is bad

this is going to hurt

I’m gonna love it

but it’s going to hurt

I hope it lasts

Sasha Velour: I really dig her look, and her thoughts on drag and all the rituals of it and what drag is as an art form? I’d really like to sit down and chat with her too, because I feel like we could have some pretty cool talks about genderplay in art and performance, and it’d be so awesome? But she’s not really standing out to me, yet? Or giving me an impression of who she really is, as a queen?

Which in practical terms means that, unless she fucks up early and goes home soon, she’s probably going to be on the receiving end of an, “I have no idea who you are!!” spiel from Michelle

But in more general terms, it’s like

Even Laila stood out in last year’s “meet the queens” videos, even if she went on to not really stand out on the show

I mean, she stood out because I looked at her and was like, “oh look, she’s like Adore’s goth trash little cousin or something…… it’s a good look, I like it” and was totally amused by her comment about having a “herd of lesbians” who come to all of her shows, at least until I realized that……… yeah, uh

Yeah

Out of drag, she’s cute but not my type because…… boy

In drag, though, yeaaaaah. Yeah, Laila in drag is hella my type

But my point was that even Laila stood out and made an impression

Sasha?? isn’t?? making?? an?? impression?? yet??

Which is concerning, because I do get enough of a sense of her from the vid to be like, “oh hey, we could totally rave to this and talk about gender performance and the art of drag for a few hours” and that makes me like her

But I’m not getting enough of a sense of Sasha the Queen, which makes me feel like she’s gonna end up being a filler queen

As a completely random aside? I find her name super funny

I find it super funny because: 1. I decided once upon a time that, if I ever wanted to be a drag king, my stage name would be Royal Velour;

and 2. As much as I love performing, I’m way too much of a Nervous Wreck to actually do it, so at one point, I just made up an OC named Petunia (she went by Pete), and made her a drag king, and her stage name was Royal Velour

So I’m just kinda geeked a little and like, “hiiiiiii, Sasha, you have great taste in stage names :D”

It’s a silly reason but whatever, I don’t care

Shea Couleé: Remember how I contain multitudes and all that? Well, I’m also completely on #TeamShea

“I woke up like this, sooooo… I mean, I literally rolled out of bed, walked my beautiful little black ass over here, and sat in this chair. What is DRAG?”

oh my god, j’adore ♡

She’s smart, she’s fucking funny, she can PERFORM LIKE NO ONE’S BUSINESS, HOLY SHIT LOOK HER UP ON YOUTUBE I SWEAR

Calling it now, though: Michelle is going to get on her ass about her contour and about blending even harder than she got on Max’s ass about wearing a hair color other than gray. Like, to me? I love her face and I think her harsh-looking contour is deliberate and super-cool.

But Michelle Visage is Michelle Visage, and she always has That One Queen, every fucking season, who she harps on to an excessive degree about SOMETHING, whether that harping is justified (e.g., some of Jinkx’s runway looks really were, uh. “Busted” feels too polite, at the moment? I love her, but really; and )

or really fucking not (e.g., Adore on All Stars 2, like shit goddamn, of course Adore didn’t wear a fucking cincher, SHE WAS FUCKING SINGING, and yes, you CAN sing in a corset, but it’s way harder and it takes a level of formal training that Adore probably doesn’t have or need because she’s a fucking punk, not a goddamn opera diva;

Chad during season four, like?? “I don’t know who you are except a character queen” — THAT is who Chad Michaels is, Michelle. she’s polished and Pro. Fesh. Uh. Null. and a CHARACTER queen, jesus fucking christ.

also: oh for fuck’s sakes, Michelle. Willam Belli literally never wore any other color hair but BLONDE on season four and you didn’t say shit about shit about that [at least not that made it into the show’s final cut], but Max has a Thing for gray hair and incorporates it into her character and looks in a whole host of inventive ways, and suddenly, that’s a Huge Problem? the fuck what even, Michelle)

And yeah. I love how Shea paints her face, but I officially predict that Michelle is going to give Shea Couleé all kinds of unwarranted and undeserved Hell over her contouring just because it’s not buffed out and blended in the way Michelle tends to like best on a queen, even though Shea is pretty clearly doing it deliberately (to me, anyway), as opposed to say, Jinkx, who…… uh. really, really wasn’t.

(Disclaimer, because I feel like I’m being unnecessarily harsh and coming off like I hate Michelle? I don’t.

I love Michelle Visage, actually, and since she came on in season three, her purpose has always been to be The Mean Judge™ who sits there and says what she thinks and feels incredibly frickin’ bluntly and puts the queens through the damn wringer, all to see what they’re made of.

That’s what she does, it’s who she is, and even when I disagree with her, I still like her and generally value what she brings to the judging panel because even when I think her opinions are totally ridiculous, the way she expresses them makes for great drama.

But, y’know, I’ve been watching this show for just under 900 years, and I’ve seen Michelle’s patterns with the queens at work, and this is a thing that she does.)

But whatever happens with Michelle, I love Shea, she’s such a good

Trinity Taylor: Giving me vibes like, “yeah, you LOOK super-edgy and cool, but you ultimately feel too safe.” Like, she doesn’t feel very, “seen it, done it, what else have you got going on” because she does feel like a queen who knows who she is, and delivers who she is, and is genuinely unique in her own special way that she brings to the table consistently in showing who she is. Buuuut who she is feels very, “safe” to me. Edgy enough to get to the middle of the run, but still safe and not top five, much less top three, material.

Valentina: Another early front-runner for Miss Congeniality. She’s super cute, and I like how she combines all her disparate references into her look and character — and I really dig that she’s bringing telenovela drama to her style and her performances — but overall, she feels like she might be a little too, “safe” to make it that far.

That said, the story she told on Facebook about bringing her family out to the club for her birthday? Oh god, what a cutie, I love.

I currently predict that she’ll end up joining Joslyn Fox, Dida Ritz, Bianca nee Jiggly Caliente, Trinity K. Bonet, Vivacious, Milk, Stacy Layne, Jaidynn Diore, and Cynthia Lee on my, “awww, I know from the jump that you’re almost definitely not gonna win, but you’re so sweet and fun and you ARE a talented queen, you’re just maybe not the best fit for the reality TV competition format, but I really, really like you, so I’m gonna root for you anyway and be like, ‘I know I saw it coming but dammit, I really wanted to hope’” headcanon dream tour

[carolrance]

it’s that time again

time for my weekly episodes whingefest

omg i hate it

i actually….

i hate to say this but i think i’m done. i honestly dont’ want to watch any more of this season. nope. i don’t think i can handle it.

like… i don’t think you all understand how much i hate …

merc.

like his presence not only irritates me on the same level as hornet-covered poison oak in my vagina but the mere sight of him gets me right to the cusp of vomitting. no jokes. like there are very few tv characters that i loathe so intensely in the way i absolutely 1000% abhor this one. i literally hate every single thing about him. it’s to the point i don’t even like the actor. i would bathe in a tub of hot lard and diarrhea before even entertaining the idea of what sex with that man would be like.

i think that was part of the reason i enjoyed s4 (and to some degree s3) much more than S1&2–and certainly more than s5. there was very, VERY limited merc in s4. it was glorious. and truth be told, he was still gross and fucking annoying, but because there was so little of him, i could handle it. also since carol was in no danger of being roped into sleeping with him (again) i could breath easy. and really, in all total honesty, the merc scenes in the first half of s4 were quite well done and entertaining. (i’d link to clips but fucking showtime banned me from youtube (and threatened to sue me IIRC) for uploading them. yes. a few 30 second clips of your never-talked about tv programme are what’s hurting ratings. that must be it. ANYWAYYYYY.)

this season has too much merc. it also has too much matt. too much tim. too many MEN IN GENERAL. i think matt leblanc is actually really fucking great in this role but it reaches a point where i don’t want to have every scene be about him. thank god it seems like the tim shit is over. that was a huge mistake sucking up so much screentime over a gag that was done 2 minutes into the premiere episode. but merc is not going away. he’s only becoming more prominent.

and that makes me literally gag and want to die. so i honestly don’t think i can continue to watch this season because based on last night’s episode, i am almost 100% certain that they’re setting carol/merc up as endgame.

and i just

i cannot deal with that

so i’m stopping now before i have to see it. cos once it’s seen, i can’t unsee it. but i can prevent myself from seeing it in the first place. (much like i did with that doreah deleted scene. i honestly did not watch that until like years later…by that time iw as comfortable laughing at how fucking idiotic it all was and just brushed it off as bullshit.)

okay so the thing is this. this episode had carol gushing over how much better she’s feeling cos a) she’s on prozac and b) she’s seeing merc again and it’s “different this time” – that is ALWAYS AND FOREVER A RED FLAG IN ANY RELATIONSHIP. (newsflash: it is never different in the end if the person does fuck all to address their issues.) and beverly (knowing merc is engaged to morning) NOT telling her best friend, and ends with carol being idiotically pregnant. [LIKE I AM SORRY. did she just stop taking the pill? well… i guess she didn’t need to all last year whilst she was with helen but even wlw are on the pill sometimes too. alos USE A FUCKING CONDOM YOU NASTY FUCKS. liek fuck seriously. that merc is literal human garbage and fucks around CONSTANTLY. carol, do you like herpes?? cos fuck. not using a condom is just a fucking stupid ass move for a 40 year old who knows better.]

so here’s how it’s gonna go cos this show NEVER goes the way i want it to go:

carol tells him she’s pregnant with his sweaty potatobaby (disgusting)

she find out he’s engaged and cheating AGAIN (yawn)

it breaks her heart a-fucking-gain (yawn)

merc has some sort of redemption arc after some unnecessarily long and drawn out, totally unfunny and probably offensive “drama” with morning (gross)

the 2 of them probably get some stupid revenge on helen (gross)

carol forgives him and they agree to raise their nasty potatobaby together and live happily ever after (barf)

and then in the final scene he cheats on her again cos ha ha so funny right (not funny)

so yeah. i’m out.

i’m not here for that fucking shit.

if this fucking guy kept her as a secret mistress for FIVE YEARS and never cared, he’s not gonna magically change unless they write him OOC.

like i just completely loathe his mere existence and him being with carol is all sorts of AHS-levels of disturbing and annoying.

but all that aside

this week’s episode was just…

no.

the only thing i liked (other than a few clever one-liners) was that bev hates merc almost as much as i do. that was refreshing. i may have to change my url here to beverlylincoln cos i’m feeling this bitch.

i think my least fav episodes are the bottle episodes that are almost exclusively matt, bev, and sean. (last season it was the hospital episode (which admittedly had the bright shining spot of the pubey scene). this time it’s the ranch one.) i do enjoy those characters and their interactions but there’s a limit on my tolerance and interest. i love the banter (espesh between matt and bev) but it seems bogged down by the whole shitload of NOTHING that happens. the whole wild pig b-plot was so pointless and wasn’t even funny? like….why?

but let’s see what i can be offended about this week? oh. animal cruelty? that’s always a good laugh. i mean… tbh. it wasn’t close to the worst thing this week. it was just… boring? unnecessary? like WHY DID THIS WHOLE EPISODE JUST FEEL LIKE FILLER???? WHY DID THEY HAVE YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A JOKE THAT WASN’T FUNNY (shooting the pig) IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THEY DRAGGED IT OUT WAY TOO LONG?? (is that like the calling card of s5???) everything important that happened here could have been done in 6 minutes with exactly the same impact and minus the shitty unfunny too-long gag.

it’s the 4th episode of the 7-episode FINAL series….and THIS????? is what they give us?

like

no thanks.

you can keep it.

[guttermagazine]

Where are all the comic fans?

From three-panel newspaper strips to graphic novels, most of us have encountered a comic in some form at least once in our lives, and yet, it seems that most of us keep relatively quiet about it, especially when compared with how much we discuss other media. Do we just not care that much about comics, or could it be something else?

It’s a given that some people genuinely really just don’t care about comics. At all. Fair enough, but there are hundreds of thousands of comic fans out there – right? Where are they all?

Kevin Drum, political blogger for Mother Jones, estimated that a mere two percent of millennials read comic books in 2014. That’s a shockingly small percentage considering that millennials often get a bad rap for allegedly being lazy, comic book reading, video game playing couch potatoes (although admittedly, I am all of those things. Maybe it’s true).

But his data is flawed. It doesn’t cover the sale of comics online and in used book stores; neither does it take into account the sales of smaller comic publishers. But the data’s true flaw lies in the fact that it reduces reading comics to buying them.

Comics, as with a great many other things, are no longer restricted to the printed form and are available online for free. Creators are able to cut out the middle-man by publishing their work on the Internet using blogs such as Wordpress and Tumblr or sites specifically made with comics in mind such as Tapastic.

Webcomics are incredibly popular. They don’t require you to carry around anything other than a device which can connect to the internet, which you were probably already carrying around, you can blast through them relatively quickly and if you’re reading them on a phone, even in a public place, no-one will ever know.

Most webcomics have a regular update schedule which means you don’t have a wait a month or a year (although this is not always the case… Homestuck, I’m looking at you!) or however long for the next part to be released, and in the time that you are waiting, you can join in with some online discussion, which can be pretty fun and lead to the making of new friendships. Comics on the whole have a pretty broad community, sure, but within that community dwell a multitude of smaller communities dedicated to particular fandoms so it’s easy to find something to talk about or to speculate on what happens next in your favourite comic (beware of spoilers if you’ve not fully caught up yet).

Debatably, one of the most important aspects of webcomics is that they’re easy to share. With the simple click of a button (or, a few buttons, depending on what website or app you’re using… or no buttons, if you’re using a finger …does tapping something on a screen count as pressing a button?) you can share a whole comic with a friend or a whole host of people online. And then, if your pals read it, you’ll probably just talk about it online over whatever platform you used to share it in the first place. And so, perhaps one of the main reasons why we don’t hear people talking about comics so much is because the discussion takes place online.

There are so many places to talk about comics online and they’re easy to find with a simple Google search. In theory, online comic communities provide a safe space for fans to discuss their interest without the fear of being judged, although in reality, it’s not quite so simple. From comic discussion boards such as CBR Community and The Outhousers to comic subreddits, comic elitism is definitely a thing. Beware and possibly reconsider if you’re a casual fan because if you haven’t read every single issue of Batman since its inception, whatever you have to say is probably wrong and oh, boy, you will be made to know it.

But speaking of casual comic fans, so many people read comics and don’t even know it.  Trigger warning: now is the part where I talk about memes but bear with me (if you can stand to) because this is actually relevant.

From their inception in 2008 on 4chan until around 2011 when their popularity started to decline, Rage Comics were all the rage (pun intended. Obviously). If you don’t know what a Rage Comic is, you’ve clearly been living under a rock for quite some time. I recommend not only searching up what Rage Comics are, but also a great many other important and culturally relevant modern things such as dabbing and Harambe. Anyway, now that we’re all on the same page, it seems strange to think of Rage Comics as being comics because first and foremost, they’re a meme. But comics and memes are by no means mutually exclusive.

Rage Comics became so popular that people would talk about them and (rather annoyingly) quote them in real life all the time. Eventually, everyone wanted to make their own, resulting in Rage Comic creators such as Dan Awesome’s Ragemaker Site and the Memebase Ragebuilder.

The prospect of non-artist adults wanting to make comics is incredibly interesting. Children draw comics because they are able to be creative without fear of judgment and they are allowed to be interested in comics and cartoons. Artists make comics because that’s what they do. It’s what they love. It’s what they’ve sent years learning how to do through gritty trial and error; through many sleepless nights and tears. But non-artist adults making comics. That’s new. Was it just because Rage Comics were so popular? Did they just want a slice of the meme pie? Maybe, but more than that, it was because anyone could make them and everyone has a story to tell.

Rage comics are a very crude form of autobio comics. They depict everyday experiences that pretty much everyone can relate to, and by their very nature, mostly look the same, using pre-made templates of characters. All one needs to do to create a Rage comic is to have an idea and use a Rage Comic builder. Pretty easy. It makes you wonder why, if so many people would make comics when it was easy, doesn’t everyone make comics all the time?

Largely because it is deemed acceptable to create and share memes. Not only acceptable, but cool. Everyone wants to be a memelord. But creating comics from scratch, dedicating large portions of your life to drawing cartoons? Nah, that’s for nerds. Screw that. So you could argue that the only real difference between making certain kinds of memes (because it’s not just Rage Comics, basically any meme with more than one image could be reductively defined as a comic) and comics is the amount of effort put into them.

I mean, obviously there’s more to it than that, but it’s a pretty interesting comparison. Without comics, would we have memes? Probably. Nothing can stop the meme train. Even ‘real’ comics have been turned into memes. As an example, Sarah Anderson comics have a huge following and people share them all the time, especially on Facebook, because they’re so relatable. People will think ‘that’s so me!’ and share it. And then they go and read more of them because there are so many of them and they’re all so relatable while being quick to read but also being good time-fillers. But most of the people who read her work probably don’t consider themselves to be comic fans – even though they totally are.

It’s pretty cool that people can read and share comics without even really thinking of them as being comics. It’s thanks to things like this that the stigma of comics as being nerdy (the bad kind of nerdy, not the good kind, by which I mean the fashionista hipster bullshit ‘I’m a nerdy girl’ kind of nerd, if that can even be deemed good at all) is slowly disappearing. But what’s equally as cool is that it basically means that comic fans haven’t disappeared at all. They are everywhere – in disguise.

[blogojira]

Gigantis The Fire Monster (1955)

Okay, so here we have the American version of Godzilla Raids Again. The first big difference you may notice is that they changed Godzilla's name to Gigantis. This is weird and doesn't really make a whole of sense. American audiences may not of known what a Godzilla was but they wouldn't know what a Gigantis is either and it's not really any cooler sooo... what gives? A lot of other things were changed. The most notable and hated by Godzilla fans are the English dub and constant narration my Tsukioka. In my opinion, the dub isn't that bad. Apart from Kobayashi sounding like a fucking talking sack of potatoes, everyone else is okay. The narration does seem a bit excessive but at least it explains what is going on. I, admittedly, was a bit lost whilst watching Godzilla Raids Again. I don't know whether it was because it was late and I was the tired. Reading subtitles can become a chore and you will undoubtedly miss things under those circumstances. Or it could have been I was missing some kind of cultural cues that Japanese people might understand from what is being said that don't necessarily translate well. It was probably the tired thing. I also wrote that review a couple of days after watching the movie so I may have forgotten other elements. With all that in mind, I am probably committing heresy when I say I think I preferred this version. I understand why purists would hate it but starting this journey from the very beginning and going in with an open mind, having that extra bit of assistance with the narration was welcome. ...Raids Again was definitely a step down from the original Gojira and it needed more entertainment value to make up for the lack of social commentary and allegorical elements. They rushed ...Raids Again out in something like 4-6 months after Gojira. They were trying to cash in on the success of the first movie but missed the mark. I think what the American version did was fill the gaps and elevate this confused monster movie, that didn't know if it was a serious or more light-hearted action flick, and made it fun. It amped up the campness and I could buy into that for what it was. It wasn't trying to please some elitist fans 50 odd years later, it was aimed to entertain American audiences in the 1950's. Now that that unpleasantness is out of the way, what else to cover? It feels like they inserted a lot of filler to pad out the lengthy narrative segments. Sound effects were changed but that didn't really bother me. One line I liked in this version that stood out to me was from Yamane. He said, 'Our fate is no longer in the lap of science, it is in the lap of the gods', which was badass. Not Serizawa badass but good enough. This line may have been in the original version but I didn't pick up on it but in this one, it worked. That's all I'm saying. In the meeting, right after the pilots first see Gigantis and Yamane is there with his copy of Gojira, they insert a bunch of stuff about where these creatures came from and there's some odd video footage to accompany Yamane's bullshit. It is then followed by scenes from Gojira. It doesn't seem necessary but it was mildly amusing. There were other particular plot points that made a lot more sense when explained by the narration but I don't really want to get into a step-by-step of the plot again. It also gave a bit more insight into the characters feelings and motives. I know people will disagree but fuck them. Lastly, I want to mention the ending. The ending was definitely not as good. We didn't get hero stare and a warm line out to a friend who sacrificed his life. We kind of do but the impact isn't there and it quickly moves on to how Tsukioka and Hidemi will live happily ever after. Which sucks because no one lives happily ever after, especially when your world is inhabited by giant monsters bent on the destruction of human kind. People will be judging me harshly after this post. They will say I don't know what I'm talking about and am an idiot for not being able to follow the original version properly. To those people I say, I give Gigantis The Fire Monster a 4/5 and would probably watch this again before Godzilla Raids Again and I would drink beer and enjoy it. Just let people enjoy the things they enjoy and stop being whiny bitches. I repeat, Gigantis The Fire Monster, 4/5. Sit back and enjoy it for what it is.