#admittedly progress on the game has been slow due to personal things

[deerspherestudios]

Hi hi hello! Sorry for lack of posts and updates recently, been dealing with a lot of stuff irl; but it's my bday today (8th April) so thought I'd make a quick doodle to celebrate! <3

[creepy-crowleys]

Admittedly, it wasn't my home at the time, haha... I was one of the investigators assigned to look into the causes and nature of the disaster on behalf of my employers who have holdings here. I've never seen seen it in its before state. I still think it's beautiful though, especially with the autumn colors coming out.

We're a couple years into recovery now. :) Most of the contamination has been cleaned up beyond a few natural sources that existed prior to the disaster - and some of the protocols for managing those spaces have been revised and reinstated to hopefully avoid them developing into as much of a problem as they did. And our large predator populations that exploded during the disaster have been settling back into their usual levels. Progress is slow, but it's definitely being made.

As for the wendigo, sasquatch and ak'ab, they're something of a quirk to this earth. Most things mentioned in myths and legends actually exist in some form here, either as a naturally occurring species or something that someone saw fit to make for whatever reason. A few years ago, I would have thought they were just stories too. But...! Here we are.

The sasquatch are a tribal people, primates that evolved alongside and somewhat divergently from humans. They're more sensitive to and have more natural inclinations to the ambient magic that exist in my world, particularly in the realms of glyphs, sigils, and seals, but have little interest in developing technologies beyond what they currently possess. Largely stone tools - though the local tribe started working with metals scavenged from a closed down factory nearby - largely hunter-gatherer, natural cave formation or simple lean-to dwellings if any at all. They're a typically gentle but reclusive people that have struggled in the modern age; part of their mythical status has involved loss of habitat and over-hunting by rich humans who want even more exotic game than the usual.

The wendigo are almost a form of possession - typically human origin, afflicted by a spirit that compels them to consume in all things, but especially driven towards cannibalism. And once those first steps are taken, the compulsion accelerates, warping the afflicted further and physiological changes start. Ours generally display a skull deformation that allows for modified dentition and enhanced bite force and modification to their hip joints allowing them to more easily adopt a lowered, 'prowling' stance and gait. They're intelligent predators, though most have lost their human minds by the time they've recognizably become 'a wendigo'. Usually solitary hunters and perpetually starving due to their abnormal metabolism, but I've observed this population establishing shared refuse piles and nesting sites. Unfortunately there's not enough writing on them to say with any certainty whether that's a common behavior, something unique to this island's population, or something adopted in response to the ecological disaster and ensuing population boom.

The ak'ab are... I believe they may be what Lovecraft called byakhee in his writing. Ak'ab being a Mayan word meaning 'darkness,' and the Mayans being the ones to introduce these particular broods during an invasion roughly two-thousand years ago. They're vaguely insect-like in behaviors and social structures, with defined forager and soldier castes and a queen that is responsible for most egg-laying. Her reproductive partners ('Kings') are typically larger than they average soldier caste, though, and also employed to defend brood sites as necessary. Colonies operate via a shared consciousness, and they are capable of holding grudges. These particular broods typically remain underground for extended periods - decades to centuries - and don't usually cause much disturbance beyond the occasional missing pet or person. (I suspect Maine might not be as comfortable for them to stay in the open in as Guatemala.) The disaster we had got the stirred up and brought the entire colonies out of dormancy. And, ah, I have one in particular that's fond of stealing from my garden and overwintering in my house.

L: Oh, I am terribly sorry about the ecological disasters your home has faced. The pictures of ancient Maine are quite beautiful, and I imagine yours must be much the same. Introduced species and pollution, historically, caused great trouble on our Earth as well. As a matter of fact, we have rather strict decontamination protocols regarding both ourselves and the ship, so that we do not cause such havoc on our travels between planets.

But still, it sounds that much remains. Perhaps it is not too late for recovery, as long as the measures taken towards it are thorough? I hope it is not. I would like to learn more of these rare creatures you mention, regardless. Two of them have absolutely no verified records- were considered myths- and the other...I have never heard of at all!

[sparkycinnamon]

For your ask game, 1, 2, and 4.

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

Right now, the project I'm focusing on the most is the Fuel to the Fire AU, a large crossover AU where one of my object OCs has become a huge eldritch abomination that has consumed millions of universes (some of which won't be seen for obvious reasons), and chaos ensues because everyone who has been consumed needs to survive. Admittedly, progress is a little slow due to me hitting a huge hurdle in motivation, but I will say I love how I get to explore multiple different concepts in it and how all the characters from these different series interact with each other in this high-stakes situation.

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

So, I recently created an AU I'm calling the "Perfectly Standard Elevator" AU, in which 1 protagonist each from 8 Disney cartoons (specifically The Ghost and Molly McGee, The Owl House, Amphibia, Big City Greens, DuckTales (2017), Star vs. The Forces of Evil, Gravity Falls, and Wander over Yonder) are kidnapped and forced to go through an almost-comically long elevator. I'm particularly looking forward to writing Cricket and Molly's scenes, since they're the characters in which I have the most solid idea for their plotlines and they have a pretty interesting dynamic in the AU.

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

Here's a part of an unfinished chapter of the Fuel to the Fire AU that I'm pretty proud of:

"Libby frantically looked through the pages of Molly’s journal, trying to piece together what had happened.

Most of the pages were either filled with fun doodles of herself, Scratch, Libby, or other stuff, or random writings about things she saw or her feelings at the time. However, at the end sat this entry:

How was I supposed to know it was POISON? That guy gave me a bottle and told me it would help me, so I drank it. Listen, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know. Mom, Dad, Grandma, I hope you can deal with the loss of one of your kids and grandkids. Darryl, you were a great brother and I wouldn’t have traded you for anybody else. Andrea, I know we never got along the best, but I hope your life goes on uninterrupted. Scratch (even though I don’t know where you are right now), Libby. You guys were my best friends. I hope you can go on without me.

I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dyi

The last “i” trailed off at the dot. Libby could only assume the worst."

I like this one because I think it shows pretty well how Molly was feeling as she wrote her final words, and I personally sort of felt the panic she was going through.

[omniswords]

Chronicles of a Parisian Dumbass 11

here’s the next update, everyone! sometimes i wish i could update this more frequently than i do, but the writing has been slow going because of a) other pieces i'm working on and b) work kicking back into high gear 😣 but i really appreciate your patience all the same.

it's looking like this first part of the story will be about 24 or 25 chapters, plus a sequel somewhere in the pipeline. i'm actually really excited for it, but i have some questions about it for you that���d help me guide how i want to get it out! if you could leave a comment with your thoughts, i'd be super appreciative.

would you prefer the sequel to be from Marinette's point of view? or a mix of Marinette and Luka?

if you'd like a mix, would you like a retelling of Chronicles from Marinette's point of view, too, to balance it all out? 

do you like the narrative format? or should i try my hand at making it look more like a social media AU? or a mix of both?

thank you so so much! your feedback will really help me figure out what i want to do going forward 💙🎶💖

damn, uh. i wasn’t expecting you all to like that so much. i guess i just needed to give it a little more time to sink in.

it’s only a work in progress, but hey. here’s hoping you’ll like it when it’s all done. thanks for giving it a chance @itsdjbubbles

Marinette was looking at a billboard of Adrien Agreste back then. He’s not so stupid that he didn’t notice. And it wasn’t that typical Celebrity Crush Stare, either. He knew what those looked like. He’d worn them, sometimes even daydreamed about someone looking at him like that from an audience pit. This was different. This was… wistful. The kind that said something could have been, but never was.

Did Marinette… know Adrien Agreste? Like, personally? She had mentioned getting a letter of recommendation from his father, after all. Had she done some kind of special work? Or entered some contest? Maybe she’d only gotten a handful of passing glances when she had the distinguished honor of weaving through the halls of the illustrious Agreste mansion. (Luka didn’t actually know if it could be called “illustrious;” it simply looked that way from the outside, and it wasn’t as though any of the Agrestes had deigned to order food from his job, so it wasn’t as though he could just waltz in and find out.)

Something was there. And Luka didn’t need to find out what that something was. But he wanted to. Curiosity hadn’t killed him yet—

“Ow!”

Across the ping pong table, Juleka fans herself with her paddle, eyeing the ball that smacked him in the face as it rolls away. “Game, set, and match,” she says with a deadpan expression. “Should’ve known thinking about Bakery Girl wouldn’t help you win.”

“I wasn’t thinking about her,” Luka insists to no avail.

“Liar.”

He relents, rolls his eyes, picks up the ping pong ball. “One more.”

“Nah.” Juleka sets her paddle down and starts to cut through the greenhouse area on the Liberty. “It’s no fun winning when you’re all distracted. Even you letting me win is more fun than that.”

Defeated, Luka picks up the ping pong ball—the only victory, considering how many of them they’ve lost to the Seine—and goes after her. She was right to fan herself; it’s way too hot to function on deck, so he ties his hoodie around his waist and wrestles his hair into a short ponytail. Sure, it’s due for a cut and a dye, and sure, Juleka would pounce on the opportunity if he asked, but there are more important things to worry about than his hair. And it surprises him to even think that. “Honestly, I… didn’t think you wanted to bring her up again.”

To an untrained eye, Juleka wouldn’t have frozen or flinched, but he knows his sister better than that. “Why wouldn’t I? It’s my God-given right as your younger sibling to rib you about any and every crush you have.”

“Do you even believe in God?”

“Only when you make me ride on the back of your bike.”

Touché. Luka stifles a faint laugh and sinks to the couch. Twenty-one years on this boat, and he’s never thought to question why there’s an entire vintage furniture set in a greenhouse. But then, he’s never been one to question his own mother—even if she’s made it a point time after time after time to question authority at every corner. At least it’s cooler with the glass to protect them, and Juleka looks so unfazed in all that black that she has to be stronger than that pathetic thing America calls an army.

“Hey,” he says after a moment. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He doesn’t bank on her saying yes, but these days, everything feels like it’s worth a shot. Even if he ends up kicking himself after. If he can survive winking at Marinette Dupain-Cheng and then having a full-blown conversation with her after, he can probably do literally anything else.

It doesn’t surprise him that Juleka shakes her head, but at least he doesn’t feel like kicking himself after all.

“Is it…” He pauses to gather his words; he’s pretty sure Juleka’s one of the only people he could do that for. “Is it one of those things that you want to forget ever happened? You know?” He knows. There are plenty of things he wants to forget, too.

“Nah,” Juleka finally says. “It’s more like… I don’t think it’s my thing to tell.”

Luka isn’t exactly sure what that’s supposed to mean; the only thing it tells him is not to ask her any more questions—that he should go to Marinette with them instead. And he’s not even sure that that’s the best idea. It might take a few more napoleons. A few more deliveries.

He decides to change the subject. “So I started talking to this guy.”

Juleka cocks her head and folds herself up on the armchair. “Huh. That was fast.”

“No, I mean…” He rolls his eyes. “He could get us a gig.”

This time, her expression shifts from sardonic to wary. He has to wonder if anyone else can see these little differences, besides him and Rose. “How do you know he’s legit?”

“I think a couple thousand followers and some DJ sets are pretty legit.”

“How do you know he doesn’t want something from you?”

“Well…” Luka holds his breath in his lungs. She has a point. A couple of points, actually. Sure, they’ve been private messaging back and forth for a few days now, but he still, admittedly, doesn’t know a whole lot about this Bubbles guy. Most of the content they post goes right to Soundcloud, as if the account is automatically linked to post every time a new song or clip goes up. And admittedly, the music is pretty good. Hell, he’s only seen that one silhouette, and that’s the closest he’s gotten to a photo. For all they both know, Bubbles could up and swindle them out of their own guitars. And it’s not like he’s actively trying to compare himself to Adrien Agreste, but he at least wants to keep one of the reasons that might make Marinette want to keep talking to him. It’s not as though all he has to do is exist and have his face plastered all over half of Paris.

It’s just…

It’s just that Luka’s wound his way around the internet enough times to know when kindness is just too kind. He’s been around the block with people who try to get to know him after one song or one close-to-tasteful selfie, only for him to find out exactly what they want from him. He’s gotten on with enough people who ended up blocking him or posting vague, passive aggressive things that he thought he knew—and then definitely knew—were about him. And if Bubbles really was on the Champ de Mars that afternoon, then there was nothing in that park that told him to be scared. Not a single suspicious note.

“I don’t,” he confesses. “Not totally. But I want to believe him.”

“Do you want to believe him?” Juleka asks. “Or are you looking for a reason to impress her?”

For a flicker of a moment—long enough for only his sister to have the eye to notice—Luka can feel his expression go sour. If his guitar weren’t safely downstairs, he’d be holding it close for his own security. Instead, he gets to his feet with a sudden rush of energy, and he makes for the watering can. The plants are looking a little dry. Or maybe he’s just looking for something to do. Something to need him for a bit. “Music’s been around for me before I even knew she existed,” he says, quiet enough for the rug and the upholstery and the leaves to absorb before anyone else does. “And it’ll be there for me till I’m dead and buried. It’s my guarantee, Jules, and I should at least pay it back for everything it’s done for me.”

“That’s not a no.”  At least she lets the silence hit before she says it.

Luka sets the watering can down, shuffles his way out of the greenhouse and back into the sun. “Yeah, well. Maybe I’m not totally opposed to it being a yes.”

What is his music, he thinks, if he doesn’t share it with anyone? Just another one-way conversation? Hasn’t he had enough of those?

Behind him, Juleka catches up and takes him by the wrist. “Come on,” she says with a conceding sigh. “Let’s go.”

“Go where?”

She flicks his little ponytail. “You need a re-up,” she says simply. “Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

So he puts his time in Juleka’s hands, and he’s never quite sure how long it takes, but he doesn’t mind her taking care of him while he tries—and fails—to forget about Adrien Agreste, and while he gives his messages with Bubbles another go. He even dares to post a picture—not of himself, but of his sneakers, cluttered with designs and as loud as the personality he sometimes wishes he had. The personality that only barely pokes through when Bubbles says something about a set and a club and a real, actual date and time.

look, ma. no vans. and no dollars. and no dates.

[certainempatheticturkeymuffin]

Age of Calamity Review

Hey! I wasted three hours of my life writing this in Arlo's comment section and part of it had to be cut out because of Youtube's word limit, so y'all get to suffer with me.

Here's the video that I wrote this on, give him some love, his opinion is a great juxtaposition to my own!

There are a few weird formatting errors because tumblr wants me to make new paragraphs, but there's no missing words as far as I can tell.

_

I like it, but I like the first one better, mainly for the appearance. I don't know why, but the pop ups are hard for me to see (by pop-ups I mean the challenges and weak point meters, the out of battle menu is actually pretty good, though I admit the text is a little small on the opening screen), and the lack of saturation makes it hard for me to see. Actually, that might be it, I just don't like the paler color palette in this context, since for a fast paced game I kind of need to be able to see, which I can't because I'm partially blind, and glasses have a glare that's an annoying trade off. Compare that to the original Hyrule Warriors, the weak point meters are brightly colored and change color the more you damage it, which is good for those with visual impairment who need some extra feedback to judge their next actions. The menu was also this aged tan color which provided a great contrast that wasn't the blinding white on top of dark blue, which wasn't bad at all, but the buttons and text were always big enough for those with visual impairment to see, though I will admit that the little pop ups with all the people crying out for help have a bit of the same issue as AoC. I think I just like the more vibrant colors of Hyrule Warriors in the context of a faster game, rather than the pale beauty of BotW, since my eyes can't really see what's going on if the colors aren't at least comparable to what you'd find in Minish Cap or Triforce Heroes. I can see fine in BotW during the day time, but at night, well, I just run and hope for the best, trying not to get killed by an electric keese, which is also a problem in AoC, mainly Zora's Domain; I could barely see a thing and it negatively impacted my experience.

I've got hundreds of hours in HW, and maybe five or ten in AoC. It's mainly because I just don't like how it looks. I've heard a lot of people say that it looks pretty much exactly like botw and...I have to disagree. A lot of areas are pretty perfect, but some, like the tower, are just a little off in a way I can't describe. That's a personal irrelevant nitpick though, but it negatively impacted my experience, so I thought it was worth a mention, the tower on the opening screen always annoyed the crap out of me, every time I see it I just want to exit the game because ew.

The gameplay is fine, and thank goodness for the addition of the meditation room, there's not a feature like that in the original, so I had to play the first stage over and over again to figure out new combos, I think Mipha is my favorite hero that I actually unlocked (though I've been wanting to play more just to see if I can control Revali and Teba like I can Fi (which makes her insanely good since her wide area of movement is the only thing you need to account for)), and I think Zelda is my least favorite, since she's a little clunky for my taste (Daruk is too, but his rolling makes that more bearable). I was a little disappointed with Impa, but her seal thing is kinda like Zelda's and Fi's thing in Hyrule Warriors (there are probably stronger connections, but I'm not experienced with every single hero), and I think it was just the hype that she got. She's not the type of character I like to play, since Zelda and Fi are my favorites, speedy and nimble area clearers (Sheik and Marin are cool too, I just have less experience using Marin, and Sheik is always a B pick since I find them a little harder to control with less area of impact), which meant that Mipha, a character I admittedly was never attached to, became one of my favorites in the game. Impa wasn't an area clearer for the most part, she had a few moves that could do that, but she was mainly a boss-killer to me, Mipha though? She's great, set up a few waterspouts and everything dies.

I do like that they've lessened the kind of ridiculous amount of items that were in HW, and that they didn't try to strong arm fairies in, because that system was the most annoying thing in the world and so poorly explained that I had to watch the same tutorial three times over about once a month because it was so convoluted.

I do hate the runes though, I just, couldn't seem to use them right. It might just be me, but I found trying to use them weird. It's a little hard to explain, but it's probably just a me thing. Not only that, but I found the inclusion of the rods on top of the runes annoying. The rods were entirely unnecessary if you were going to use runes. They just added another layer that was thin at best, not to mention that I found them hard to use as well. I hated the weird controls of the targeting system. I don't think there's anything wrong with a basic hack and slash, and if you're not going to have the excessive amount of items, runes were a good idea i think it might've been a me issue, but rods? It seems a bit excessive. It's probably just a "you'll get better with practice" kind of thing, which, fair, most people can't use Fi like I can, so that makes sense. I figured it was worth a mention anyway since the runes were a constant source of annoyance and I used the rods twice before never bothering again because I hated them so much.

I do like the addition of healing from food drops whenever you want though. In the original if there was a dropped heart but you were at full health, sucked to be you, going back for it when you need it would waste time. The plot is still as weird as ever though (from what I've heard from other videos and such), which is fine, since I tend to play my favorite levels over and over rather than actually do anything plot relevant (can you believe that it took me over a year to finish the story of HW because I kept getting distracted by letting Fi and Zelda mow down everything in the Adventure maps and challenges? I literally got the boomerang like six months after

getting the game. It's perfect for people with ADHD I swear) though I am extremely disappointed with the fact that they took the cheap way out, it's a kid's game and a nintendo game, what did I expect? For them to let everyone actually die? Nope...though honestly, I can't comment on the overall amazingness of the plot they went with because...er....I only did Mipha's and Daruk's stages before just losing interest, so I'm not the person you want to ask about any story criticism, because that would be pure conjecture and utterly pointless.

The customization of heroes, now that's great. It's a weird system that I needed to google a lot for, but it's absolutely brilliant and I love it. Sure, getting the specific seals I want is a little annoying, but it's a great mechanic and I love it.

I probably should've said this earlier, but I'm comparing it mainly to Hyrule Warriors rather than BotW because AoC's a Warriors game and thus plays more like Hyrule Warriors than BotW, and BotW has a different set of standards due to being an open-world game. I'm still salty about the plot though, so I guess there's your comparison.

Also, I absolutely ADORE the fact that you can track materials. Not having to google which stage gives me which material is just the best. And the fact that the side quests have little blurbs, absolutely fantastic. We didn't get that in HW, but then again, once you finished the main story, the rest was just, Have Fun and Kill Everything, which is great, and I love it, but adding in a weird ingredient fetching quest with a nugget of lore is kinda cool. I don't wish we got it in HW though, since, as aforementioned, there was no way to track which material came from which stage, so that would've made it a nightmare.

The Divine Beasts....I hated them, they were literally just time wasters, and, granted I only did Rudania and Ruta before dropping the game, I just hated them. The UI was horrendous and even Ganon's Fury was better, and I absolutely DESPISE Ganon's Fury. Once I finished them, I was just happy for them to be over and never bother with them again. I hated their controls, I hated the cramped paths, I hated how I couldn't really turn and see anything, and honestly, I commend the champions for being able to control these bulky slow and absolutely horrible machines.

On the music, I think it's good. I loved BotW's soundtrack, I loved Zelda 2's soundtrack, I loved Wind Waker's soundtrack, I loved Cadence of Hyrule's soundtrack, I loved Hyrule Warriors's soundtrack, I loved Minish Cap's soundtrack, Triforce Heroes, Spirit Tracks (you're lying if you say otherwise, this soundtrack is a bop and I will actually fight you), etc etc, and this one is no different, though I will admit it did a pretty good job of having me ignore it, though that may have been more due to my frustration at the rods and runes and Zelda and Daruk more than actually having an unimpressive soundtrack.

Personally, it didn't do much for me, I can't get over the color palette, the mechanics, the divine beasts. I had pretty average, maybe a bit high, expectations, but they weren't quite met. I played it for a few hours one day, dropped it, picked it up again a few months later, then remembered exactly why I dropped it. I think the original Hyrule Warriors is just better visually for me, even if the plot isn't great or it's a bit fanfictiony, it had depth in combat that didn't absolutely annoy me, and the annoying battles were usually optional, and the bosses had variety, which is a fault mainly of BotW and was just an inherited problem for AoC, and I'm not a completionist, I don't want to have to complete anything with Darunia or Cia, so I don't unless I have to to progress something, which means that I don't stress about the gargantuan amount of content in HW.

IN SUMMARY: I've never had problems with frame rate (though I play docked due to visual impairment), and if you're visually impaired, wear anti-glare glasses because the pale colors aren't going to help much. I haven't found an option to make text bigger. The soundtrack is good,

there isn't much boss variety (not AoC's fault, but it's still there), the meditation room is great, the runes take a bit of getting used to, as do the rods(i never got used to them), Divine Beasts tank performance in all aspects and are just disappointing, you actually know which stage drops which item, and there's no My Fairy (which is definitely a positive).

To slap on an arbitrary rating that only means something to me: 4.5/10

It's a good game if you can get passed the issues that bug ME to no end.

And there we have it. There goes....holy crap I spent three hours on

I wanted to like this, I really did, and I'm glad others enjoy it, but as it stands, I'll let y'all move on to Age of Calamity, and I'll stick to my handy dandy Hyrule Warriors ice cream with a dash of Breath of the Wild, a sprinkle of Cadence of Hyrule, and a Zelda 2 cherry on top. It's not like I have to wait long for Subnautica; hopefully that doesn't disappoint me too much, I preordered this one. Actually, I get Pokemon Snap today too, hopefully it isn't a SwSh level disappointment, AoC is magnitudes better than SwSh at a 4.5

this????? Three hours of my life. Gone.

[alexchristin]

A Different Approach to Difficulty

The problem of difficulty in games has been debated to great depths for a long time. Various alternatives to the traditional approach with different difficulty modes at the beginning of a particular game have been proposed, analyzed and implemented. And yet, as much as they patch up the errors of the traditional approach, within them arise numerous inherent problems and difficulties. As such, I would like to propose another alternative–not so much a mechanical solution that requires implementation, but rather a different approach to difficulty design.

One thing I’d like to stress is that, this has been applied in various games quite successfully before, and I’ll mention them later on, but not to the extent to which it can deservedly become a central design philosophy, in my opinion. This I presume is due to a lack of a rather clear and deliberate approach to difficulty design.

But first, let me attempt to briefly summarize a few popular criticisms of the traditional difficulty modes approach and its alternative.

Problems with Difficulty Modes

Picture yourself coming into a brand new game, only to be asked to choose a difficulty mode that’s suitable for yourself, and presented with a number of different menu options. And frankly, they don’t do that good of a job at giving you sufficient information to make such an important decision. This is how many games in our history have done difficulty, and it continues to be fairly prevalent among modern games.

Here are its common criticisms:

Asking the player to make such a decision right at the beginning is not exactly a good idea. To select a difficulty mode before the game even starts is to make a major commitment based on very little information available (e.g. a short description). Once the player has selected a difficulty, they are probably going to live with it for the entire playthrough.

Even if the game allows the player to change the difficulty mode later on, it is, in itself, still not a very good idea. For one, explicitly selecting a difficulty mode in a menu-based manner is certainly not an interesting choice that games strive to offer their players. They do not have to weigh anything against anything. They do not have to analyze the risks and rewards coming as a result of each option. And generally speaking, players are not going to be good at weighting short-term convenience against long-term enjoyment. They just do not know the game enough.

Such approach would defeat the entire point of progression through unlocking higher and better tools to enhance and assist with gameplay. It would go against the intended gameplay experience from the game designer. And most importantly, it would make the player feel judged for not choosing a higher difficulty.

There have been several solutions to negate these issues, of which Mark Brown has gone into depths in one of his videos. However, not one of them was able to solve them all and still maintain immersion.

Dynamic Difficulty Adjustment

The idea of Dynamic Difficulty Adjustment (or DDA) hinges on the theory of the player’s Flow State, in which the player is completely immersed, and the game’s difficulty feels just right. Any more difficulty will cause frustration and break immersion. Any less difficulty and the player will quickly find boredom, and you guessed it, lose immersion. Therefore, as designer Andrew Glassner put it in his book Interactive Storytelling, games “should not ask players to select a difficulty level. Games should adapt themselves during gameplay to offer the player a consistent degree of challenge based on his changing abilities at different tasks.” Or in other words, games should be implemented with a performance evaluation system as well as a dynamic difficulty adjustment system in order to adjust itself to accommodate the infinitely different and ever-changing characteristics of players. More on the technical details of DDA can be found in Robin Hunicke’s 2005 paper The Case for Dynamic Difficulty Adjustment in Games.

However, while the Flow State theory admittedly has its merits, the DDA approach doesn’t go without its numerous downsides:

Some players, when they find out about DDA, hate it. Especially when DDA cannot be turned off, the player ends up feeling patronized, and not respected by the game as an adult, capable of taking on challenges and improving him/herself.

Players can, and will, learn to exploit DDA by pretending to be worse at playing than they actually are. And oftentimes, a DDA system will require some sort of break time in order to avoid revealing itself to the player, thus not able to quickly adapt itself to the player’s ostensible skill level.

DDA inhibits the player’s ability to learn and improve. As soon as the player improves, the difficulty ramps up to match their skill level, thus eliminating the possibility of positive results. If the player cannot see some sort of feedback from the game regarding their performance, they cannot know whether any changes in their approach to gameplay were effective.

DDA may create absurdities. One of the popular example of DDA going awry is the rubber-band effect in racing games, where opponents speed up and slow down seemingly for no reason in order to adapt to the player’s performance.

DDA is incompatible with some forms of challenge. If the challenge in question is numerically-based, then DDA can work easily. However, when the challenge is symbolical, with pre-designed elements that are nakedly visible to the player, often having only one or a few intended solutions, then DDA cannot work.

There are many interesting and nuanced approaches to DDA that I won’t mention since that’s beyond the scope of this segment. While I imagine there are going to be a lot of way to make DDA functional and sufficiently inscrutable through clever algorithms and implementation, I am rather discussing the fundamentals.

Organic Difficulty in Games

There seems to be a number of different terms to address this approach, but just for this article I’m going to use the term “Organic Difficulty.” This is something that has been tossed around in the last decade or so.

The basic idea of Organic Difficulty is that the game does not ask the players to select or adjust their preferred difficulty via GUI-based commands, nor does it automatically adapt itself to match with the player’s performance and progress. But rather, the game allows the player to interact with it in certain ways to make it easier, or harder, for themselves. These take the form of tools, approaches, strategies, input sequences or methods, etc. which should often come with some sort of trade-off.

This is something that has been implemented in a number of games including From Software’s Dark Souls, which Extra Credits has dedicated an entire episode to, and which everyone should take a look.

In Metal Gear Solid V, for every mission the player has completed, there’s a score rating system which provides a rough overview of the player’s performance based on a number of factors such as stealth, lethality, accuracy, completion speed, whether the player has completed any mission tasks, and what tools they used. While the player does get minus points for mistakes such as getting detected, raising enemy alert, taking hits, etc. some other factors are not as clear-cut as to how they constitute minus points aside from narrative reasons. The player can always go on a lethal rampage, tossing grenades at everybody in sight, or calling a support helicopter to airstrike the entire enemy base. The player is provided the tools to do exactly all of those, and they’re always just a few buttons away, and the worst they get is a C rank, provided they completed the mission, and a slight dip in their earnings.

Another example of this can be found XCOM: Enemy Within. There’s a “cheesy” tactic in the game that can almost ensure victory, which is to have a unit with the Mimetic Skin ability to safely spot the enemies, thus enabling a squadsight-sniper from across the entire map to pick them off one-by-one safely without any real repercussion. This strategy is extremely effective in virtually every mechanical aspect of combat, with the only risk being that the spotter must not be flanked for they would instantly lose invisibility. The actual problem with this strategy is that it’s incredibly boring: your snipers just simply shoot every turn, and you can only take a few shots every turn, not to mention reloading. This strategy is best suited for beginners and people who have made mistakes and want to get out of the downward spiral. While on the other end of the spectrum, there are players who understand how the game and the AI of every alien unit in the game work, so they are more confident about moving up close and personal with enemies with minimal armor. Because for them, it’s not about defending against the enemies, but about manipulating, “nudging” the enemies into behaving the way these players want them to (e.g. nobody needs armor when enemies are only going to attack the tank; nobody needs to take good cover when enemies are too scared to move to flank in front of an Opportunist-overwatch unit; etc.)

The above examples seem to imply a few important points regarding difficulty:

Difficulty should not only be designed around the mechanics of a game. It should also take into account the aesthetics or elegance of those very mechanics.

Punishment does not always have to be tangible or significant, as long as it is enough to indicate to players that they are straying off the intended experience. A good analogy would be physical pain. The pain itself is not what’s causing harm to your body. The physical wound is. Pain is merely a bodily signal to let you know that what’s happening right now is pretty bad and you probably shouldn’t let what just happened happen again. But remember, the choice is ultimately yours!

It may not be a good idea to put people on the linear graph of “gaming skill” where some people are simply “softcore, not-so-good at video games” and some other are “hardcore and always challenge-seeking.” The idea alone is absurd, because players on such a graph would move up and down constantly, even during a single playthrough. Some people pick things up faster than a game can predict with its tutorials’ pacing. Some people due to real life reasons have to abandon the game for some time, and they lose a bit of their touch when they come back to it.

Instead of judging the player’s skill and trying to accommodate every possibility, games should be judging player interactions instead, using a spectrum between Effectiveness and Aesthetics of Play (or what I shall humbly name Ludoaesthetics).

The Effectiveness-Ludoaesthetics Spectrum (ELS)

On the Effectiveness-Ludoaesthetics Spectrum (ELS), difficulty exists only at the lowest technical level. Each end of the ELS represents what each player wants at a certain point in the game with certain conditions. On this spectrum, games are designed with the player’s interactions, approaches and strategies in mind, each with its own degree of effectiveness and ludoaesthetics. These are not solely defined by mechanics or the player’s skill level, but rather the way in which they are experienced and perceived by the player.

Effectiveness refers to how well the player can progress and achieve their goals in a game using the set of tools they’re given and the strategies they’re allowed to formulate. How easy those tools are to use, and how good they are at helping the player progress towards the game’s intended goals, primarily constitute Effectiveness. Players who aim towards and stay on this end primarily look for the most effective ways to achieve the intended goals of the game (which of course include playing the game the easy way).

Ludoaesthetics refers to the perceivable aesthetic appeals of the aforementioned set of tools and strategies given to the players. Players who aim towards this end do not necessarily look for the most effective ways to achieve the intended goals. But rather they tend to look for the added intrinsic benefits derived from unconventional play. These benefits include:

Superficial Attractiveness: Visual and auditory appeal of using the subject matter or the subject matter itself. It can be represented by any entity the player can recognize in the game such as a character with great visual design, a badass-looking weapon with satisfying visual and sound effects, etc.

Competitiveness: a.k.a. bragging rights. This is rather self-explanatory. There is always that portion of players who keep seeking greater and greater challenges to prove themselves to the world. They may even go as far as handicapping themselves with arbitrary limitations to heighten the challenge.

Greater sense of satisfaction derived from greater challenges that may go beyond the goals intended by the game. People who have been through heights of overwhelming odds know about, and may expect, the immense amount of satisfaction that comes with them.

Narrative Fantasy: Players may look for things that may not be effective or productive in terms of gameplay because they would align with the narrative better (in games that understandably contain some degree of ludonarrative dissonance), or they would add an extra layer of depth and intensity to the narrative and thereby enhancing it. Essentially, they’re sacrificing gameplay optimality to elevate their narrative fantasy.

Design for Ludoaesthetics

The point of designing for ludoaesthetics is NOT to create increasingly harder challenges in order to accommodate the player’s increasing skills (though that is not to say such approach has no merits whatsoever). But rather, it is actually to encourage players to strive for aesthetics in their gameplay and to lean more towards the right side of the spectrum.

Here are a few suggestions on how to go about it.

Creating more depth

Depth refers to the amount of space the player is allowed to make interesting choices using the set of tools they’re given by a game. For a more detailed explanation of what Depth is in comparison to Complexity, you can take a look at Extra Credits’ episode on Depth vs. Complexity.

Essentially, Complexity is the amount of constituent elements that make up a game, and Depth is the degree of interactivity between those elements. The very nature of ludoaesthetics has to do with the deviation from the default, intended approach (a.k.a. Playing “by-the-book.”) Therefore, the more those elements “talk” to one another, the better chance it is for ludoaesthetics to emerge, because then the player will be able to find more different ways to control or manipulate each element.

[Also read: Design for Theorycrafting]

Depth is pretty much the prerequisite for ludoaesthetics even as a concept to exist. Without a lot of depth, the window of opportunities for ludoaesthetics get significantly lower or completely non-existent.

Creating patterns suggesting the possibility of gameplay aesthetics

Adding more depth is not only about simply adding more stuff in a game and making them as obscure as they possibly can be. It is also about leaving breadcrumbs to suggest that there is more than meets the eye, therefore encouraging players to explore further possibilities. What kind of depth to even add? And how does one go about communicating it?

Below is a conceptual representation of a set of challenges typically found in video games.

Each challenge is represented by a window of failure and a window of success. These windows can be spatial, temporal, symbolic, strategic, or a combination of all. They are the spaces in which the player enters by behaving in a certain expected way. Secondly, the black line represents the player’s interactive maneuvers: where to get across and which direction to turn to next, in order to overcome the set of challenges without stumbling into the windows of failure.

For example, say we have a situation in a 3D platformer game where the player is facing a pit, and across the pit leaning towards the right side there is a narrow platform. In such a scenario, we can assume that the window of failure includes any and all sets of behaviors that lead the player plummeting down the pit, and the window of failure includes those that lead the player to landing on the platform across the pit safely.

Now consider the same representation of challenge above, but this time with a slight deliberate arrangement.

As you can see, the sizes of the windows of failure and the windows of success stay exactly the same, but the positions of the windows of success have been altered so that they align somewhat (but not exactly aligned to the point of being too obvious). You can see that nested within the windows of success is a narrower window where the amount of the player’s maneuvers stays extremely minimal. Stepping into this window offers the opportunity for a non-disrupted gameplay flow, where a deliberate and guided set of behaviors will let the player “breeze” through the challenges seemingly almost with ease. This window is where ludoaesthetics occur.

Of course, the downsides of it are aplenty: it can be extremely difficult to realize such a window exists in a real scenario. And in order to stay inside such a narrow window, the player has to be extremely precise and/or smart in their gameplay. You can think of this window of non-disrupted flow as an intended “weak point” of the challenge, where a single and concentrated attack will break the whole thing apart in one fell swoop. But the process of identifying such a weak point, and delivering the finishing blow with great accuracy may require a lot of trials and errors, and can be extremely tedious and/or difficult.

An Example from Master Spy

A common manifestation of ludoaesthetics comes in the form of speedrunning. Finishing with speed is, for the majority of games, not the primary intended goal. Games are rarely ever designed to be speedrun, and most players do not have to finish any games at high speed in order to not miss anything. So speedrunning has always been a sort of arbitrary self-imposed challenge by those who seek greater sense of enjoyment from their favorite games.

However, there are a few exceptions. And you can find the above mentioned window of non-disrupted flow in levels like this one from Master Spy by Kris Truitt.

In this game you play the role of the Master Spy, to infiltrate ridiculously well-guarded buildings, palaces and fortresses with a huge number of different enemies, hazards and contraptions standing in your way. And you are given no tools whatsoever but an invisibility cloak that can help you sneak past the eyesight of certain enemies while halving your movement speed.

In the example above, your goal is to retrieve the keycard on the other side of the wall slightly to the right of your starting point, and then to escape through the white door right above your starting point safely. And while your cloak can get you past the eyesight of the guards, it is of no use whatsoever against the dogs, who can smell you even when you’re cloaked and will sprint forwards to attack you at horrendous speed as soon as you’re on the same ground as them.

So what you have to do as a sequence of actions in this level is first to cloak yourself, then drop down from the first ledge past the the first guard, then quickly decloak to regain speed as the cloak is useless against the incoming dogs. Then before the first dog reaches you, move forward to the right, then quickly jump up. Keep jumping to retrieve the keycard while avoiding the second and third dog. Cloak up, then get on the ledge with the three moving guards. Finally, jump to the left to reach your destination.

However, as you can see from the footage above (courtesy of a speedrunner nicknamed Obidobi), as soon as the player reaches the ledge with the three moving guards on the right, the guards turn to the other side and begin moving away from where the player is, effectively freeing the player from having to cloak and having their movement speed halved. And then right before the player reaches for the white door, the guard on the far right is about to touch the wall and thereby turning back to the left. This is such a tiny window of success that should the player not have begun moving right after they start the level and stayed uncloaked at the end, they would have failed. The level is designed in such a way that it can be completely solved without wasting any moment and action.

Is it significantly more difficult to play this way? Yes. Was this arrangement absolutely necessary? Not really. But the designer made the level with the expectation that people are going to speedrun the game and will be looking to optimize their timing with each level. Thus, the levels in Master Spy are designed so that should the player start looking to speedrun the game, they will easily recognize that sweet, sweet window of non-disrupted flow. It is an immensely satisfying experience to discover it.

Ensure Usability

As usual, it is easy to get too extremely logical about design and forget all about the equilibrium, which is almost always what design is about.

In this case, it is important that designers must ensure that whatever tools they’re making for their players to achieve ludoaesthetics, MUST have at least some sort of usability, even if it’s incredibly niche or extremely difficult to pull off. Things that serve nothing and mean nothing are NOT aesthetic. Say you have an RPG, and one of your players goes out of their way in order to build an unconventional character because they see some sort of future potential from this build, only to find out later that when they’re finished with the build, the meta of the game has changed and the window of opportunity for such a build has long passed. This means that the entire amount of depth you added, and the ludoaesthetics you might have intended by allowing that player to go in such away, is utterly useless and entirely wasted. So always remember to ensure usability for everything you add in your game.

Conclusion

Organic Difficulty and the ELS are not only, and not necessarily, an alternative solution to the whole difficulty problem. But rather, they represent an entire paradigm shift away from the idea that games should find more and more complex ways to serve players with different skill levels, and towards a design philosophy where players are given integrated tools within the context of games to set their own difficulty at any point without breaking immersion and perhaps the extra baggage of shame. It is not enough to have your players stay at the same level of difficulty throughout the game, or dynamically adjust the difficulty on the fly to suit them. It is best, in my opinion, to let your players cook to their palate. Just make sure that the process of cooking and the game itself are one and the same.

[loreweaver-universe]

Y’know, today I feel like talking about Disgaea, specifically my problems with Disgaea 5: Alliance of Vengeance.

Spoilers for Disgaea 1, 2, 5, and Makai Kingdom, I guess.

So, first off, let’s talk about...

The Narrative.

Disgaea 5 tells the tale of edgelord Squall Leonhart wannabe Killia, a former asshole who got redeemed by falling in love with the daughter of the only demon to ever give him a proper ass-thrashing, who spent his time teaching Killia how to find inner peace blah blah blah it’s actually pretty bland.  Killia speaks in a constant monotone, half-heartedly tries to get his rapidly accumulating party of Overlord-level demon pals to leave him the hell alone, and is generally just really goddamn boring.  It’s not to say this kind of character can’t be interesting--in fact, I name-dropped Squall earlier, and until Final Fantasy VIII went completely off the rails in the second disc he was a legitimately nuanced character and I was interested in seeing where he went.  Here’s the problem with all that, though:

The Disgaea series is a parody.

Now, full disclaimer--I’ve only played Disgaea 1, 2, 5, and Makai Kingdom.  I have Disgaea 3 and 4, but I haven’t been able to secure a PS3 to play them on yet, so I’m leaving those out of the discussion (though from what I’m aware those are parodies as well.)  However, of the four games I have played, Disgaea 5 stands out as being the only one of them to really take itself seriously.

Well, 2 did as well to a certain extent, but other than the looming issue of “we’re trying to off your evil dad, Rozalin,” Disgaea 2 takes itself about as seriously as Disgaea 1 did, and Disgaea 1 is a farce.

A beautiful, glorious, hilarious, one hundred percent intentional farce.

Laharl is a ridiculous creature.  He’s petty, narcissistic, and childish, and while there are serious story beats (Etna being blackmailed, that asshole Angel stealing Flonne’s protective pendant, etc) Laharl never stops mocking his foes, his friends, and the genre itself.  Disgaea 1, in short, is taking the piss, parodying the most ridiculous parts of anime and JRPGs (and, hell, American raygun gothic) with delightful glee...which is why, when things turn deadly fucking serious in the final chapter, it’s so goddamn heart-wrenching and effective.  That slow burn of Laharl growing to care about Flonne enough that he tears the Heavenly Host several new assholes to try to save her from their judgment (and, even in the best ending, has to talk himself down from murdering the head angel in cold blood because she wouldn’t have wanted him to take revenge for her sake) is one of the most effective tonal twists in the history of media, in my opinion: all of a sudden, it’s not funny anymore.

While Disgaea 1 lampooned the genre as a whole, Disgaea 2 takes a different tack, and lampoons common anime/JRPG character archetypes.  The hot-blooded, idiotically honorable melee fighter; the spoiled rich brat of a princess; the annoyingly perverted goblin of a third wheel (and, ugh, I wish that archetype would die already), the plucky little kids who are the least innocent characters in the whole crew other than the aforementioned perv goblin, on and on and on.  The goal may be serious, but the characters are almost as silly as they were in Disgaea 1, and I actually think 2 manages an even better balance of humor and compelling storytelling than 1, because not only is the romance between Adell and Rozalin natural, enjoyable, and endearing, the dramatic beats come along without undermining the sheer silliness of our protagonists until it can have the most impact.  There’s a moment in one of the later chapters where Laharl from the first game appears without warning, pissed off, heavily geared, and more than a thousand levels your superior.

(Yes, I said a THOUSAND levels.  For those of you in the audience who aren’t familiar with the series, the level cap is 9999, and you can reset a character to level 1, storing attained levels for bonus stats.  I’ll be talking about the grind later, don’t you worry.)

The encounter with Laharl accomplishes several things over the course of the two fights with him: it delivers a joyful reunion with the protagonist of the first game, which turns to terror when you see his stats, which turns to horror as you send your team into the meat grinder to die helplessly...and then it shows us that something is frighteningly wrong with Rozalin as she is seemingly possessed and tears this impossible foe apart effortlessly.  From there the story really kicks into high gear, and like Disgaea 1, transitions into a deadly serious final assault on Zenon’s stronghold, but unlike Disgaea 1 it’s not a shocking swerve in tone--the story’s been building to this over time, gradually reconstructing the genre it gleefully tore to pieces over the previous game and a half.

Makai Kingdom is a very different affair, and can actually be most closely contrasted with Disgaea 5.  In the Disgaeaverse, an “Overlord” is a very powerful demon who rules a pocket dimension called a “Netherworld.”  Laharl’s an Overlord, for example.  Makai Kingdom deals with a set of protagonists on a whole other level of power; these are the Overlords that other Overlords view as gods, and they essentially sit around on their asses playing card games and throwing popcorn at their TV.

I think you can see where I’m going with this.

Makai Kingdom is a return to Disgaea 1′s attitude--relentless silliness, mockery of itself, with a sharp turn at the end.  Whether it accomplishes this goal as well as Disgaea 1 isn’t all that relevant, but it is something we can compare to Disgaea 5.

Disgaea 5 starts off similarly--hideously powerful Overlord-level demons gather together, but the characters are...not exactly dour, but played straight, I guess.  There’s no parody, no lampooning; it’s very stock JRPG comedy (and “comedy”), with dramatic tension, a serious approach to its story and antagonists, and predictable story beats obvious to anyone who’s ever seen a mediocre anime or played a mediocre JRPG.  Hell, the main villain’s name is Void Dark, and not a single character makes fun of that!  There are some interesting designs, and I actually think Majorita is a compelling villain for Usalia, who I likewise enjoy immensely, but the story abandons almost everything that made the previous games’ plots entertaining.  Topple an empire, murder some baddies, get your homes back, save your dead love from the creepy brother with the incestuous undertones.  That’s it.  That’s all.  As a story structure, it works just fine, and as evidenced by my love for the rest of the series I absolutely think challenging established conventions is a good thing, but it doesn’t do so successfully enough that it stands out as a worthy entry in the series.  Where it does shine is in improvements to gameplay quality-of-life and beautiful animation, which brings me to...

The Gameplay.

Disgaea 5 improves the UI, adds all sorts of neat little quirks to character customization, and improves game control substantially.  It adds extra ways to gain stat points (like I said before, character levels cap at 9999 and can be stored for stat bonuses--this game also allows you to train stats for stat points via minigames) and is just generally more in-depth than its predecessors...at the cost of being stupidly easy to grind out.

Yes, I think an easier grind is a bad thing.  Let me explain: I have over ten thousand hours in Disgaea 2 alone over the last twelve years.  I picked the first two games up when Disgaea 2 was brand new, and have beaten the game dozens of times in the intervening span.  Most recently, about five years ago, I created a save file on the PSP port of the game, and I spend idle trips or the time I’m falling asleep grinding it out as kind of an idle game.

Literally everything you do in a Disgaea game gets you experience for something.  Weapon mastery, skill exp, character exp, you name it.  Hell, you can run randomized dungeons inside your items to level those up, too.  It’s incredibly satisfying and makes for a constant sense of progression--even if you don’t level up in a fight you’ve still gotten experience points for the skills and weapons you’ve used, making it stronger, more effective, etc.  My personal goal is to, eventually, have one of every character class maxed out on stored levels and every skill and weapon proficiency in the game, which is a deliberately impossible task because it’s just so much fun to chase it forever.

Here’s the other thing: the Disgaea series, due to the ludicrous level cap, is known for its absurdly deep pool of ever-stronger bonus bosses, stretching, yes, all the way up to the level cap.  The hunt for those is likewise extremely satisfying, and takes quite a while, especially since the campaign usually caps out at around levels 70-90.

With all this in mind, imagine my dismay when I realized I was blowing through skill and weapon exp and hitting the caps on everything in a tiny percentage of the time I was expecting.  To be fair, there is a “Cheat Shop” NPC who can adjust the EXP you gain up and down, which is neat, but I have to crank it down to literally single-digit percentages of normal to get the same amount of chase-time out of it.  This is not to say that the game should be inaccessibly grindy; in fact, Disgaea 1 and 2 aren’t.  The story campaigns in those games are perfectly completable with the normal skill progression and a small but admittedly grindy amount of extra leveling in unlocked areas.  It’s all the extreme bonus content that’s gated behind the postgame grind, and the huge ceiling on skill levels and weapon proficiencies means you’re constantly rising in power and challenging new heights.  I think that’s a fantastic reward for being dedicated to the game!  And Disgaea 5 in its default state takes that away.  I had a character capped out on all proficiencies, subclasses, and aptitudes within my first hundred hours of the game.

It was...disappointing, I guess.  All around, mostly; for every step forward it took, it also took a step back.  Ultimately, the story takes a backseat to my points about the grind, because the campaign in any Disgaeaverse game is literally about 2% of the game’s content.  Disgaea 5 took my grind from me, and that’s why I’m salty enough to have just spent an hour typing up a book report on its failings, I guess.

[wordsaremything]

The Spring Court– Part 2

Summary: Feyren is trapped, but not a prisoner, as he becomes a familiar face around Tamsin's lovely manor. She gives him the first rose of spring, and he hears the word Calanmai for the first time.

Part of Feyren and Friends genderbent AU series.

4076 words.

The halls were silent and empty, strange for such a large estate. The High Fae females had mentioned others before, and there was evidence of cleanliness and things like cooks and stable hands, but I’ve seen no one in my exploring. However, walking around the Spring Court was admittedly nothing short of pleasant. The breeze floated through the open windows –did they ever close?– and brought with it the scent of various flowers and the sounds of birdsongs.

Alix had found me early in the morning after my failed attempts of escape. I had ruined the curtains in my room trying to tie them together, after ripping and ripping to try to make a rope long enough. Truthfully it was only half-hearted… it seemed as though Tamsin was trying.

She started to give me pathetic little compliments if I ever ran into her during the day. She commented on my hair looking washed, bruises from drawing a bowstring healing on my arms, clothes fitting well. Although they didn’t quite make me feel complimented, per say, they did tell me that she wasn’t entirely wicked. She didn’t bring me here to torture me or to leave me with a faerie to devour. I was trapped, but I was no prisoner.

When I asked Alix what I was supposed to do with the rest of my mortal life here, he just laughed at me and said I should try taking a walk. If he was being serious or joking at my being wound-up was yet to be determined.

Before I left I asked him what this place was. Where it was. He said it was safe and that was all I needed to know. Tamsin’s power and protection only goes so far, so I should keep my wits about me.

My walk was more than something to stave off boredom now; it was a way to glean some sense into my surroundings. Maybe there was someone here who would plead my case to Tamsin. She said she was helping my family but she would not go into details about what kind of help she provided. And it was making me crazy.

I was almost to the grand staircase when I noticed the paintings.

I hadn’t let myself look before, when I was so on edge, but now in the empty hall with no one to see me… a flash of color amid a shadowy, gloomy background made me stop, a blossom of color and texture that compelled me to the gilded frame.

It’s just a still life, I told myself, but couldn’t help it when I reached up to run my hand over the canvas. It was just a green vase of drooping flowers with a black background. Some would call it boring, but an artist would know the talent it took to craft this. Every blossom was different– not only in flower type, but in color, size, and shape. Roses, tulips, morning glory, goldenrod, peonies… white peonies.

I hadn’t painted anything in a long time. It’s been years and years since we could afford things like paint, except for the one time Elaric had splurged at the market and come home with paints for me. I had put personal touches all over the cottage that week, like tiny murals. But even that was ages ago.

I could have stared at the painting for hours, or at any of the others hanging on the walls, but I had plans. To scope the gardens. The grounds.

I moved on. Seeing all these paintings made me feel off . Too comfortable. Art was too… human. Even if the High Fae were gentler than I had been led to believe my whole life, I still didn’t belong here. Maybe there was a way to convince Alix that it was wrong of the Treaty to summon me here. Perhaps he had some sort of sway or knew of any loophole to get me out of this debt–

“You,” someone said, and I halted my steps. In the light of the open glass doors to the garden, a shapely female figure stood silhouetted before me.

Tamsin. She wore those warrior’s clothes, cut close to show off her toned body, and three simple knives were now sheathed in her baldric– each one enough to look like it could shred me just as easily as her beast’s claws. Her blonde hair was tied away from her face, revealing those pointed ears and that strange, beautiful mask. “Where are you going?” she said, more of a demand than a question. You– I wondered if she remembered my name.

It took me a moment to focus again. “Good morning,” I said flatly. It was a better greeting than You. Tamsin lifted her chin. “You said to spend my time however I wanted. I didn’t realize I was under house arrest.”

Her jaw tightened. “Of course you’re not under house arrest.” Even as she bit out the words, I couldn’t ignore the sheer female beauty of the full lips, rosy cheeks, the richness of her golden-tan skin. She was probably lovely– if she ever took off that mask.

When she realized I wasn’t going to reply, she grit her teeth. “Do you want a tour?”

“No, thank you,” I managed to get out, conscious of my every awkward body movement as I edged around her.

She stepped into my path, and ended up so close she conceded a step back. “I’ve been sitting inside all morning. I need some fresh air.”

“I’m fine,” I said, casually dodging her, “You’ve… been generous enough.” I tried to sound like I meant it.

A half smile, not so pleasant, graced her features. “Do you have some sort of problem with me?” I was taken aback by the sheer command in her voice. No metallic tang, so she wasn’t using any magic there, she was just compelling. No doubt unused to being denied.

“No,” I said quietly, and walked through the doors.

She let out a low snarl. “I’m not going to kill you, Feyren. I don’t break my promises.”

I stumbled a bit on the garden steps, and I would have eaten concrete if I hadn’t been careful. I turned and stared at her. She stood there at the top, her hands folded behind her, looking solid and statuesque. “I heard you. But I don’t think harming is part of the Treaty. Is that a loophole in your plan? One that Lucia might use against me– or anyone else here?” I added.

“They’re under orders not to touch you.”

“Yet I’m still trapped in your realm, for breaking a rule I didn’t know existed. Why was your friend in the woods that day? I thought the Treaty banned you from our lands.”

She just stared at me. Perhaps I’d questioned her too much. She took a step down, closer to me, and fear shot unwelcome through me. For all the game I talked she could get a rise out of me with a mere fluid movement. And I think she knew it.

“The Treaty,” she said quietly, “Doesn’t keep us from doing anything, except enslaving you. The wall is an inconvenience. If we cared to, we could shatter it and march through to kill you all.”

I might be forced to live in Prythian, but my family… I dared to ask, “And do you care to destroy the wall?”

She looked me up and down, as if deciding whether I was worth the effort of explaining. “I have no interest in the mortal lands, though I can’t speak for my kind.”

“Then what was Andra doing there?” I continued, more confident that she hadn’t shut me down. She hadn’t answered my question.

But then, Tamsin stilled, if that were possible. Such unearthly, primal grace, even in her breathing. “There is… a sickness in these lands. Across Prythian. There has been for nearly fifty years now. It is why this house and these lands are so empty; most have left. The blight spreads slowly, but it has made magic act… strangely. My own powers are diminished due to it. These masks” –she tapped hers– “are the result of a surge of it that occurred during a masquerade forty-nine years ago. Even now, we can’t remove them.”

Stuck in masks– for nearly fifty years. I would have gone mad, would have peeled my skin right off my face. “You didn’t have a mask as the beast. Neither did your friend,” I said.

“The blight is cruel like that.”

Either live with a mask or live as a beast. “What… what sort of sickness is it?”

“It’s not a disease– not a plague or illness. It’s focused solely on magic, on those dwelling in Prythian. Andra was across the wall that day because I sent her for a cure.”

“Can it hurt humans?” My stomach twisted. “Will it spread over the wall?”

“Yes,” she said, “There is… a chance of it affecting mortals, and your territory. More than that, I don’t know. It’s slow moving so your kind is safe for now. We haven’t had any progression in decades… it’s been weakened by our magic.” That she’d even say so much to me spoke volumes of how she imagined my future: I was never going home, never going to encounter another human to whom I might spill this secret vulnerability.

“A mercenary told me she believed the faeries are thinking of attacking.”

A hint of a smile, perhaps surprised. “Do you talk to mercenaries often?”

“I’ll speak to anyone who gives me valuable information.” I said. Her smile widened. “Is it related?”

She lifted a shoulder, the most casual thing I’d ever seen her do. “I don’t know.”

I swallowed and nodded mutely, and then turned away. Flowers, gardens, a walk. I had something to do. I didn’t hear her behind me, but she did say, “I might take an animal form, Feyren, but I am civilized.”

So she did remember my name. But I looked pointedly ahead of me.

She knew I wasn’t going to reply. “I’ll see you at dinner,” she snapped, and then it was followed by the sharp slam of the garden door.

It wasn’t a request. I strode off between the hedges, not caring where I was going, only that she didn’t come with me.

A sickness in their lands, affecting their magic, draining it from them. We’d be defenseless against it. And the High Fae didn’t seem to care.

At dinner one night I was alone with Lucia. I had been keeping careful count of the days I’d been trapped here– thirteen. Just under two weeks. Tamsin’s been gone for the last three. No one would tell me where she went.

Alix said the house was safe, but warned me to keep my wits about me– to a point. What might lurk beyond the house that might be able to use my own senses against me? Just how far would Tamsin’s order not to harm me stretch? How much authority did she hold?

Lucia paused, a goblet halfway to her mouth, and I found her smirking at me, making the scar even more brutal. “Were you admiring my sword or just contemplating killing me, Feyren?”

“Of course not,” I said softly.

She snorted and finished off all her wine. “I would be more inclined to believe you if you said you were admiring my tits,” she commented.

My cheeks turned pink and I stared anywhere but at Lucia. I was no stranger to the pleasures of a woman, but I never, ever, considered looking at either High Fae in that way. Some human women got testy when men looked at them the wrong way, I couldn’t even imagine what faerie females would do.

Steps echoed into the room. “Do you really think so low of him?” Tamsin crossed the room, startling me, and Lucia’s shoulders squared. The former plopped into her usual chair and grabbed a cup to fill with wine.

She took a sip and looked at the redhead. “Well?”

“He’s a male human,” Lucia said, “They don’t have a society like ours. Their world is run solely by kings, you know.”

Tamsin moved her emerald gaze from her emissary to me, and a rock settled in my stomach. “I don’t think he sees us as conquests,” she said softly, and I looked over to meet her gaze, “This is our land. He knows it. No matter how deadly he thinks it is.”

Lucia turned her head and sized me up. I forced myself to look away from the High Lady and to her. Her red hair glowed in the firelight, and her slight form was hugged nicely by her choice in clothing, but it was true. She was a fox and I was… a worm, but her standards.

“At least you’re not a pig,” she admitted. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. That was almost a compliment. I looked over at Tamsin, and she was already smiling. Less vicious, more lazy, as if she was expecting this conversation when she walked in. Act civilized, behave, possibly win her to my side… I could do that.

Tamsin broke the silence. “Feyren likes to hunt.”

“I don’t like to.” I should probably use a more polite tone with the whole winning her over thing. “It was necessity. And how do you know?”

Tamsin’s stare was incredulous. She pulled her hair out from its confines on the back of her head, and it fell in straight golden locks down the back of her neck, across her forehead. “What else were you doing in the woods that day? You had a bow and arrows in your home. When I saw your father’s hands I knew he wasn’t the one doing anything. You told him about rations and money.” She waved one of her own hands and adjusted herself so that she was now lounging in her chair. “Faeries may be many things, but we’re not stupid. Unless your ridiculous legends claim that about us too.”

I hadn’t felt like anything but a based man until that moment. Back to being just another human. Ridiculous, insignificant.

I went back to staring at my plate. I could have bought so much with just one of the fine china plates– a house, a field, draft horses and a plow. Disgusting.

Lucia cleared her throat. “How old are you, anyway?”

“Nineteen.” Pleasant, civilized…

She tsked. “So young, and so grave. And a skilled killed already.”

I tightened my hands into fists. She talked to me like I was a child, and though we looked to be all from the same generation, compared to her I was the same age as a child. An immortal at the age of nineteen might still be suckling for all I know. I wanted to fight back but… docile, unthreatening, tame. I was pleasant. I was thankful for their hospitality.

“So is this what you do with your immortal lives? Spare humans from the Treaty and have fine meals?” I gave pointed glances to Tamsin’s baldric, the warrior’s clothes, Lucia’s sword.

Lucia smirked. “We also dance with spirits under the full moon and snatch human babies and replace them with changelings–”

“Didn’t…” Tamsin interrupted, her voice surprisingly gentle, “didn’t your mother tell you anything about us?”

I loosened my fists and instead balled them in my tunic. “She didn’t have time to tell me stories,” I said quietly.

Lucia, for once, didn’t laugh. After a rather stifled pause, Tamsin asked, “How did she die?” When I lifted my brows, she added a bit more softly, “I didn’t see signs of a woman in your house.”

Predator or not, I didn’t need her pity. But I said, “Typhus. When I was eight.” I rose from my seat to leave.

“Feyren,” Tamsin said, and I half turned. A muscled feathered in her cheek.

Lucia glanced between us, the metal eye roving, but kept silent. Then Tamsin shook her head, the movement more animal than anything, and murmured, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I tried to keep myself from grimacing as I turned and left. I didn’t need her condolences or her pity or her anything. I could be pleasant. I was doing well at being pleasant. But we didn’t have to be friends.

I wandered through the sunny gardens one morning after breakfasting by myself. The two High Fae females had been gone for two days now, where they wouldn’t tell me, but I guess I really didn’t need to know. I have learned that I was completely clueless about how their world worked, and they must know that I didn’t have to trust them to stay here. Pleasant had got me less probing.

It was dangerous outside the manor. But I had been here long enough now to know that Tamsin and Lucia weren’t going to do me any harm.

“There you are,” said a voice from above me, and I was so startled she started to laugh. Lucia was lounging in the tree branches right above me, her arms crossed and one leg dangling into the open air below her. “Tam’s been looking for you,” she told me. She looked out of place among the vibrant green leaves. She wore a dress, a long one, like a lady would wear, but it was hitched up past her knees. It matched her fox mask perfectly.

“What does she need me for?”

Lucia shrugged. She plucked a green leaf from the tree and then watched it flutter from her hand. I stepped out of the way so it wouldn’t land right on my nose, and she laughed again. Then, in a fluid motion, she jumped down from the tree and stood before me. I wondered what she was up to today, wearing a burnished gold dress and her hair braided carefully away from her face. None of the usual tendrils in her eyes. Now that she was close to me, I could see that her face was painted too. Khoal around her eyes, red coloring to her lips.

“When did you get back?” I asked her.

“This morning,” she replied and sneered, looking away. That simple motion told me that her frustration was not at me. “Unfortunately just in time for a meeting. Logistics, nothing special.”

That was new information. Neither she nor Tamsin had ever shared any of their work with me, besides the small number of patrols with Lucia I had rode on. I tried to hide my surprise. “Um, logistics for what?” I dared a question more.

“Calanmai,” said Lucia, “Only a couple more weeks away.”

I furrowed my brows. I had never heard that word before. Lucia looked back over at me and studied my confused expression, then she rolled her eyes. I gave her a look, now letting myself be openly annoyed whenever she went back to the stupid human mentality. “Fire Night. The official beginning of spring. It’s a holiday, and the Spring Court takes it very seriously for obvious reasons. Some lesser faerie lords are coming today to talk some things over with Tamsin.”

“Here to the manor?” I asked her, panic blooming in my chest. No lesser faeries knew about me, save for the few villages on the border I’d seen with Lucia.

She shook her head. “No, there’s a meeting place beyond the grounds, an old temple no one uses anymore. Tamsin wasn’t about to have any of those fools in here with you around.”

Oh. If I’m interpreting Lucia’s words correctly then Tamsin had taken my safety into account. It wasn’t just to keep me isolated like I would have thought when they both disappeared again.

“Lucia.” We both were drawn to the soft voice at the glass manor door, and Tamsin was there. Looking at her was like a swift punch to the gut. She had also ditched the warrior’s clothing, and now wore a gown of rich green the same shade of the emeralds on her mask. Her hair was curled delicately around her face, and a small golden crown sat atop her head. “Check with the stable hands to make sure our horses are ready. Please,” said the High Lady. And she really did look like one, standing there dressed as she was and silhouetted in the light from inside.

Lucia nodded once. Surprisingly, she turned to me and gave my arm a little squeeze with her hand before walking away. It was an effort to tear my gaze away from Tamsin’s radiance to even acknowledge the other female, but I managed, and when I looked back at her she was approaching me. Her hands were folded behind her back as she did.

“Horses,” I said, my throat dry, and one corner of her mouth turned up, “Didn’t you just return on them?”

She shook her head. “No. We have other ways of transportation, but it’s polite to meet with those of lesser status without showing off our magic.”

I nodded slowly. “Of course.”

“I don’t expect you to understand,” Tamsin said, and her tone of voice suggested no malice in the statement. I didn’t know where to look at her. Her dress was modest, no plunging neckline and sleeves all the way to her wrists, but the fact that she was wearing one at all was too different for me. I felt like I was violating her. And locking eyes… that was a trap. I would never look away until she released me. It felt too intimate.

“Lucia told you about Calanmai,” she continued.

I lifted a shoulder. “Only a bit.”

“I wasn’t planning on telling you. It’s more than a holiday and… well, you’ll see when it comes.” She drew in a breath, I watched her chest rise and fall, and then she brought her hands out from behind her back. She held one, long-stemmed red rose. “First one of the season,” she explained, “Lucia and I found it while we were gone. I thought you should have it.”

I stared at her. I did like flowers… peonies were my favorite. But I didn’t expect her to know that. I loved helping Elaric trim the bushes in his garden, if only I could have a few blooms to use as references to paint. “Why?”

Tamsin simply reached for my wrist, and I didn’t pull away. She lifted my hand up and placed the rose in it. “I just want you to know that not everything that occurs here has to do with death,” she said. I looked up to her face just as she did the same. “Sometimes we cultivate life too.”

I swallowed and closed my hand around the stem of the rose. I expected her to walk away then, but her hand started to move from my wrist, up my arm. Her other hand moved up to gently touch my chest, over where my heart thundered. Her left hand ran over my elbow and up towards my shoulder as the right went south, and I couldn’t breath. She had never touched me before. Her left hand caressed my cheek, barely there, just a wisp of something tracing my cheekbone. Her right hand settled on my stomach.

“You’ve gained weight,” she commented. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come. She just smiled and nodded to herself. There was no insult. I had been starving not even a month ago. “I’ve done my job well.”

Then, Tamsin released me and turned to go, presumably to find Lucia and then ride off to their meeting. It did truly feel like she had released me from a spell, though I tasted no magic. That moment, her giving me a rose, her fingers touching me through my shirt and tunic, had made me forget everything I was intending to do here.

“Oh and Feyren.” Tamsin paused just a few feet ahead of me. I looked back up at her, only at her eyes, and she met my gaze when she turned her head over her shoulder. With the flowers nearly blooming all around her, and her green gown matching the trees in the background, I suddenly wanted to burn this scene into my mind forever so I could paint it.

“Yes?”

“Don’t be afraid to look.” And with one more small smile she turned and continued on her way, the hem of her gown brushing the manicured lawn with every step.

[soysaucevictim]

Week 2 + Advent Calendar begins.

-

Nov. 30

I woke up a bit before noon. Past few days, I’ve been sliding out of sensible sleep habits a bit. But I hope to not keep that pattern indefinitely.

I spent much of my time up on the usual, putting up the XMAS tree with bro, and exercising.

First, today’s DD. 1′ leg raise hold with EC. As with many holds, steady breathing is key. Definitely got to trembling near the end, too!

Second, Day 7 of the KMC.60 double turning kicks, done in one set of 30/30.

Third, Day 7 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hang. Still a bit tough, but I tried to be more mindful of my grip. So there wasn’t as much tension in upper palms and was a tiny bit more comfortable.

(After doing some plans for this next month...)

Last, Day 7 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That I’m able to donate to DAREBEE again.

Of the progress I’ve made with my fitness journey.

Of the moral support that DAREBEE has given to me.

I then spent time doing dishes, making dinner, and drawing before getting to bed.

-

Dec. 1

Bleh. Got up a bit before 1PM, today.

After some YouTube and some shopping, I went for today’s exercises early.

First, today’s DD. 50 squats with EC. Not much to note, other than this was pretty fun and doable.

Second, Day 1 of the 2019 Advent Calendar Challenge. 2′ squat hold. I had to split it into 2x1′, with a bit over 30″ of rest. Did think about one-shotting it - but my quads and mind just didn’t have the juice for that. It was no less brutal. orz

Third, Day 8 of the KMC. “6 balance kicks side& turning both each leg, no putting your foot down.” Like last time I read this like 2x 6 balance side kicks + 6 balance turning kicks (one side, then the other). The switch up was wobbly, even if I was on my dominant side for second half - but I managed to keep it together (honestly one of the harder parts of balance work, in general). Super fun!

Fourth, Day 8 of the DHC. 35″ dead hang. Experimented with grip. First false start involved proximal phalanges running parallel with ground. Succeeded w/ first knuckles pointing at ceiling. Former is less stressful for the palms but requires more overall strength to hold on. Latter relies on some palm traction to aid grip strength. But it definitely stresses the soft tissues a bit. Thankfully - these sessions are pretty short and sweet and allows for recovery time.

(After a bit of planning for stuff.)

Last, Day 8 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That our dog exists in our lives. She’s just too damn cute.

That I’ve learned how to use Excel as well as I do... I love data and schedules. (But like with everything, my knowledge is not exhaustive.) :I

That I’ve always been a curious person.

One of the last few things I did before sleeping was more art stuff. Still, didn’t get to bed at a reasonable hour. :P

-

Dec. 2

I think I woke up at roughly the same time as yesterday.

Been doing some shopping and had an anxiety spike about transportation stuff. I don’t feel like rehashing everything here.

Did some dishes, made some dinner (hunger admittedly was a big factor in said episode), and did my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 20 hop heel clicks with EC. This was fun after some fried nerves earlier. Pretty doable. :P

Second, Day 2 of the ‘19AC. 1′ raised leg [full] plank. I was able to manage this in one set, today. It was a bit tough on a full stomach, though.

Third, Day 9 of the KMC. 2x 40 turning kicks + 40 side kicks. I shortened the rest period to ~30″ and mixed up the format between the sets. 20/20 + alt vs alt. + 20/20. Had to get in the right flow to do alternating turning kicks, I wanted to make sure to care about my knees.

Fourth, Day 9 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hang. Pretty doable - shoulder was a touch annoyed - but not lastingly so. I realize I may have to do some arm/shoulder warm-ups before getting on the bar, going forward.

Last, Day 9 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That my bro will take me to tomorrow’s appointment, it was a last minute thing.

That I could afford to try FocusMe for the first time. If I like it enough after a year, I may get a lifetime license. :Ic

That I can afford to get people some gifts this season.

I then wound up staying up FAR too late downloading a lot of music via Spotify. Like. Past 4AM, despite knowing I had an appointment tomorrow. orz

-

Dec. 3

I woke up in a rush by about 9AM. I didn’t expect that I had a trip reservation set up fro the day - but I did.

Got to the facility, went to Seeking Safety group, my therapy appointment (not as prepared as I would have liked), went to the diner, and chatted it up until I had to get back home.

Once home, I watched some YouTube.and went on a few errands (bought myself some hummus and picked up some meds) Then did my exercise a bit later than intended.

First, today’s DD. 50 slow climbers with EC. This was pretty challenging, especially due to not enough sleep. I did make the effort to have the drawn in foot to touch the floor, to keep the pace slow. As opposed to pumping the legs and hopping from foot to foot.

Second, Day 3 of the ‘19AC. 1′ raised leg hold (from knee plank). Very manageable to do in one go.

Third, Day 10 of the KMC. 80 turning kicks (40/40), in one workout. I technically did it in one go. A bit more tiring due to not having enough Zs last night.

Last, Day 10 of the DHC.40″ dead hang. I was a bit hesitant, but warming up the arms beforehand was a good call. Steady breathing, man. Also, I think I did far less swinging this time (was never so much to destabilize the bar) - progress!

I forgot to sit down and work on the DGC, though. But I spent some my time watching my bro play some games.

-

Dec. 4

I woke up barely before 2PM. Bleh.

So after some more YouTube, I went into my exercise for the day.

First, today’s DD. 20 stacked push-ups with EC. Form wasn't amazing, but acceptable. :P

Second, Day 4 of the ‘19AC. 30″ superman hold. Managed also to do this in one go, despite my stomach not being the most happy about it.

(After watching a few documentaries and doing some dishes... “Man’s First Friend” brought me to tears.)

Third, Day 11 of the KMC. 80 double side kicks. I did it more or less in one go, bounce-switching with each rep. The fatigue definitely made the last few a bit more challenging to coordinate. But it was just about doable!

Fourth, Day 11 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hang. Did a bit of warming up beforehand, Shoulder complained a bit - but still very manageable.

Last, Day 10+11 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

[For] dogs. Just. Dogs, they are too good for us.

That I had a chance to eat hummus again after long swathes of not being able to to eat it. It’s so delicious.

That I have a roof over my head.

I was a bit too distracted and had a lot of trouble coming up with more, before needing to get to bed.

-

Dec. 5

I woke up early, unsure if I had a reservation for a ride set up. I didn’t. Which was kinda nice.

Spent a few hours watching documentaries and YouTube with pops, before getting into my exercises..

First, today’s DD. 40 knee-ins & twists with EC. The quads definitely felt the fatigue build up, but doable. :P

Second, Day 5 of the ‘19AC. 1′ bridge hold. This was relatively breezy with steady breathing.

Third, Day 12 of the KMC. “8 balance kicks side& turning both each leg, no putting your foot down.” Manageable, if a bit wobbly again.

Fourth, Day 12 of the DHC. 45″ dead hang. Despite doing a warm-up, I had to split it into ~30″+15″ (~30″ rest). For some reason, I had trouble keeping my grip. After it all - my digitorum muscles were thoroughly fatigued (like how that PGC, ).

Last, Day 11 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

For the unsung heroes of the service industry.

For the perspectives I’ve learned about in my time.

For the perspectives I hope to be able learn about in future.

I guess that I won’t be doubling up on the DGC. That’s fine. But maaan, I’ve been sliding with my sleep habits again. =_=

-

Dec. 6

I woke up a bit after noon. :/

Spent a few hours watching YouTube before getting to my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 20 push-ups + jab + cross combos with EC. (The hidden burpees just about wiped me out, but I could still get through it. Only part I liked was the punching, pffft!

Second, Day 6 of the ‘19AC. 5′ arm raise hold (frontal). I managed to get through it in one go, but the fact my arms weren’t fresh after the DD, made things quite brutal! My eyes definitely got to watering in the last minute or so.

Last, Day 12 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That this challenge is well... challenging. It feels to be more valuable/profound for it.

To the the book, Resilient Grieving“. I feel I should review it’s material more often, however.

For the joy of listening to my favorite musicians (such as Infected Mushroom, to no ones surprise.)

I then more or less spent some time working on some drawing again before getting to bed... rather late. :P

-

Going to go and post this now and draft the next week.

[riffrelevant]

(By Pat ‘Riot’ Whitaker, Senior Writer/Journalist, RiffRelevant.com)

On Saturday, May 26, 2018, I was able to scratch a top band off of my own personal Bucket List of bands to see live: Nashville, Tennessee’s HOWLING GIANT!

The band itself, which is mostly the duo of guitarist / vocalist Tom Polzine and drummer / vocalist Zach Wheeler these days, has been on my radar for several years now. With a string of EP releases in recent times, HOWLING GIANT have cemented themselves as one of the heavy underground’s best rising acts but damn, their live presentation is a spectacle to behold!

They, along with regional support bands ELECTRIC PHANTOM and VIC CROWN, would bring HOWLING GIANT‘s recent “Escape From The Lab 2018 Tour” to an epic end at the Sly Grog Lounge in Asheville, North Carolina this night. But, before we get into all of that, let’s develop the tale with a bit of a prequel, shall we?

I, along with my trusty videographer / photographer and friend, Will Bouton of Fugo Films, would trek from our base in the mountains of the Kentucky – Virginia state line to beautiful AVL for this show. Now, though I frequent the town quite regularly, this would be my introductory visit to Sly Grog Lounge and wow, were we in for a treat.

The venue is a mostly open-air setting, one with a wide berth of seating areas toward the front then a bar and stage area toward a more enclosed back area. This is where things get interesting, i.e. the decor of Sly Grog Lounge – which is retro pop culture chic to the Nth Degree.

Oldschool, er, … “vintage” video game consoles ala early Atari, Nintendo, etc. adorn several play stations through out the place. A couple of pinball machines, video games, several shelves laden with books, VHS movie tapes, weird curios and other eclectic items are littered throughout also. All of this adds to, and ultimately creates one hella interesting spot to see a band, one that is intimate and entertaining both.

OK, now, let’s get down to the business at hand, which is, of course rockin’… and folks, let me tell ya: Business would be good, and good to go, on this humid summer night in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains.

In the spirit of full disclosure, or my “tell it how it is” nature, take your pick, I was admittedly unfamiliar with this evening’s pair of initial prime movers, VIC CROWN and ELECTRIC PHANTOM. Sure, I’d briefly delved into each’s social media presence on Facebook prior to the gig but that did not provide a real feel for what they do musically.

No, that would have to be inspected, investigated and ultimately experienced in the live setting of the real-time rock ‘n roll show. First up: VIC CROWN, a quartet comprised of Falcon Faust (vocals), Colin Townsend (drums), Sam Steele (bass) and Patrick Rothe (guitar), and one that has got a damn groovy delivery, too.

VIC CROWN

Songs with such titles as “Knee Deep“, “BRN“, “Montreal“, “Here & Now“, “Caution” and “Trust“, were served with abundant punch and aplomb. Rut-deep riffs got galvanized with rumbling rhythms and the result was a solid early Clutch-meets-Scissorfight sound and style from these heavyweights. VIC CROWN clearly has a loyal fan following that turned out to support them and I must mention two facts of interest for me: First, Faust’s use of what I can only describe as an “antique-y” (???) mic that gives his vocals a cool, muddier output, and one that fits right nicely with the band’s sonic discharge. He also displays a great rapport with the crowd, often stepping out in their midst to present his vocals from right there, with the people and for the people.

VIC CROWN

VIC CROWN

Two, Townsend’s drumming. The guy is a damn dynamo of chaotic kit-work, one that’s engrossing to observe, thrilling to hear and energetically propels the songs while Rothe and Steele’s more laid back, relaxed playing rides tight upon those drums. I look forward to finding out more about VIC CROWN, especially their recorded material situation for any possible releases, out or upcoming, whichever.

ELECTRIC PHANTOM

ELECTRIC PHANTOM

From the moment ELECTRIC PHANTOM began setting up, I could surmise they were going to be of a “different” breed, or sort, whatever, altogether. How did I come to such a conclusion, you ask? After decades of doing what I do, I just know these things but that realization was helped along by their stage props, use of lights and colorful items, all that type stuff. Once the cast of characters, AKA “Mansome Dan” (Eli Williams – bass / vocals), The Bat (drums), and guitarists Zane and Ki, began playing, my surmising was validated as spot-on.

The freakish foursome – which I attach with all due respect and admiration – play a melded amalgamation of progressive rock and metal. They insert elements of punk, funk, speed metal and alt. country into it and Dan / Eli keeps shit comically enhanced with his zany banter and off-the-wall antics. Songs like “Witch Moon Baby”, “Phantom Man”, “Cooler Than You” and “Motormouth” were riddled with tempo alterations and applied with non-stop energy and like the preceding Vic Crown, ELECTRIC PHANTOM have a solid, adulating fan base for sure.

They would end their set on an interesting high note too, ala a country-fied cover of the Ludacris hit “Move Bitch (Get Out Da Way)“! Yep, all twangy and served with a side of hill-folk funk, ELECTRIC CROWN are definitely one of the more unique bands I’ve caught in awhile.

HOWLING GIANT

Speaking of country music – but not really – Nashville’s HOWLING GIANT commandeered the stage next and what would then ensue is the stuff of unforgettable recollections. Guitarist / vocalist Tom Polzine and drummer / vocalist Zach Wheeler, joined on this trek by touring bassist and friend Mike Kerr, would proceed to decimate those of us in attendance witnessing.

The trio would launch their set in a most appropriate place too, with the first song that introduces their 2015 S/T EP, “Husk“. They followed it with the last song from that same EP, “Camel Crusher” and let me tell you, Asheville was barely prepared for what these guys were transmitting. Super tight playing and precise interaction between the three in this live setting added a whole new dimension to the already epic music from HOWLING GIANT.

HOWLING GIANT

HOWLING GIANT

I, along with the crowd, were mostly lost in a sonic-fueled euphoria of frenzied headbanging amid animated activity at this point. The rapid-fire tempo changes and subsequent heavy musical discharge from the stage was incredible as the guys rolled out “Mothership“, “Visions” and “The Pioneer“. The songs were staples from HOWLING GIANT‘s recent pair of back to back, conceptually connected EP releases, “Black Hole Space Wizard: Part 1” (2016) and 2017’s “Black Hole Space Wizard: Part 2“. [Learn about that conceptual theme and more in my upcoming interview with Howling Giant here at Riff Relevant].

We then arrived at the heavily psychedelia-infused “Earth Wizard“, a lengthy tune rife with laid back jamming and heady vocals. See, that’s what HOWLING GIANT excels at, fantastic songs that meld progressive metal, doom and psychedelics into magnificent compositions. This would now be reinforced within the confines of “Whale Lord“, one of this night’s highlights where the threesome unfurled this hellishly massive song. Its ebbing, flowing music’s fluidity an absolutely enthralling delivery indeed, one made even better by Tom and Zach’s trade-off vocals.

HOWLING GIANT

Things would begin to wind down a bit at this point but not before we would be treated to a powerful reinterpretation of the Blue Öyster Cult classic “Godzilla“. Slowed down somewhat, with inserts of doom-ier nuances and choppier vocals, the song, much like its namesake, crushed everything in its path. The night would be brought to its cessation with a return to the aforementioned ’15 S/T EP for the set-ending “Doug“. Its’ upbeat, airier styling led everyone in the place to get active and involved.

I must mention that throughout their set, this trio of Tom, Zach and Mike delivered jaw-dropping individual performances that left me awestruck. From Mike’s manhandling of his bass, with the thunderous rhythms created, to Zach’s frenetic kit-work on the drums, both were engrossing and inspiring. Along with Tom’s monstrous riffery and fiery soloing fret assaults, the interactions between this live version of HOWLING GIANT was magnificent. Words fail to do it the proper justice but I have tried…..

*All photos courtesy of Will Bouton / FUGO Films.

  HOWLING GIANT-ELECTRIC PHANTOM-VIC CROWN @ Sly Grog In Asheville, N.C. [5/26/18] (By Pat 'Riot' Whitaker, Senior Writer/Journalist, RiffRelevant.com) On Saturday, May 26, 2018, I was able to scratch a top band off of my own personal Bucket List of bands to see live: Nashville, Tennessee's…

[jamjamwriting-blog]

And so 2017 draws to a close. I for one can not be more relieved.

This year has been a tumultuous one indeed: I moved countries, got married, began a new day-job, bought my first car, and moved again (domestically this time); I said goodbye to my Grandmother, a second mother who raised me alongside my own; and lost two public figures (Chester Bennington and Kim Jonghyun), who have been a source of love, comfort and inspiration, to this terrible illness called depression, of which I also chronically suffer. It really has been all over the place–I have been all over the place. Personal rollercoaster aside, though, and my writing career(?) has been a pleasantly stable fixture. Let’s take a look.

  Chester Bennington: A musician who understood me…

Kim Jonghyun: And one who comforted me.

  THE YEAR THAT WAS

What I Read:

Admittedly, I fell short of my reading goals for this year. Twenty-five titles in 12 months for a snail who averages one book every three was perhaps a little lofty. I’d like to blame my lack of reading on all the reasons previously mentioned but a great deal of my free time (that which doesn’t go to writing) is lost to video games and tumblr. I am human after all.

Of the twenty-three titles I actively attempted, seventeen were completed; four were started then chucked into the read-again-at-a-later-date (maybe) pile; and two were straight-up DNF–John Gwynne’s tediously written mantasy epic Malice, and Lian Hearn’s bitterly disappointing The Tale of Shikanoko. I do hope to finish Interview with the Vampire in the future–I was listening to an audio version–but am not 100% committed to The Bane Chronicles, Prince of Thorns or Left Hand of Darkness. I have a feeling Ursula leGuin and I are not going to be the best of friends and, while there was nothing wrong with Prince of Thorns, I didn’t like any of the characters so I wasn’t overly compelled to find out what happens to them. As for The Bane Chronicles … what can I say? My love for Harry Shum Jr as Magnus Bane in the horridly trashy yet strangely addictive Shadowhunters TV show does not transcend into the written word. I don’t particularly care for Cassandra Clare‘s prose nor does the character shine as much as he does on screen. Disappointing.

Moving on to the books I did stick with to completion and I’m pleased to say it was a fairly decent year, averaging a respectable 3.5 stars, made of up some truly wonderful reads and some far less ones. I’m actually struggling to pick a favourite title this year because when the books were good they were good. To make things easier for myself by excluding books part of a series I’m yet to complete, I am left with three: Uprooted, the Golem and the Djinni and the Darkest Part of the Forest. All written by female authors, I might add–go girls, go! I can honestly say I adored each and every one of these books and the stories and their characters are still with me now at year’s end. But, gun to my head, and I’d have to say the Darkest Part of the Forest takes home the accolade due to the outrageous speed my slow-arse devoured it. Holly Black has been a great discovery for me in 2017 and, having received Coldest Girl in Coldtown for Christmas and eagerly awaiting her soon-to-be-released Cruel Prince, I feel this relationship is only going to heat up in the year to come.

I finished 2017 in the middle of three titles:

His Majesty’s Dragon (Temeraire) – Naomi Novik 62%

Puppet Master, Vol 4 – Miyuki Miyabe 46%

The Obelisk Gate – N K Jemisin 45%

Technically, I have also started Gathering of Shadows (Shades of Magic #2) and Kings Rising (Captive Prince #3) but haven’t touched those for months and will no doubt restart from the beginning once I conquer my current reads.

You can see My Year in Books over on my Goodreads page.

What I Wrote:

As of December 31st, the second draft of Garden of the Gods sits at 46 563 words, which is approximately half-way through the rewritten manuscript. Despite my initial plans to have had this draft with beta readers in November, I’m not entirely disappointed with my progress. The major plot and structural changes I had to make to Book One, now tentatively titled Torn Sky, are finally coming together and I’m really getting excited for beta readers to jump in and shoot off some external feedback. The prose is tighter across the board compared to the first draft, which I had been working on for three years prior to completing it November 16 2016. So things are moving slowly. But they are moving.

In addition to the progress made on Garden of the Gods I published a handful of book reviews and the following short stories:

[teaser 01] the morning of

[teaser 02] the collector’s lost things

[short story] the cottage on peppercorn tree hill

A number of other short stories and additional teasers are in the works and should be published here throughout the course of 2018.

  THE YEAR THAT WILL BE

I’m not one for making goals as I hate failing and my own expectations are often hard to meet. One of the big changes I hope to implement in 2018 is to make myself accountable for my own achievements. I’m going to set deadlines for my work and I’m going to reach them, not shrug them off because I only have myself to answer to. In my personal life, I hope to live by a simple More/Less structure:

move more/eat less

read more/watch less

write more/play less

smile more/worry less

Career-wise I have given myself far less ambiguous goals as I have mapped out the entire year and where I want to be with my writing. Because life happens, I didn’t want to be so rigid in setting specific dates and times for things to happen so have instead broken the year into quarters and assigned actions I wish to take place in them:

Q1

Finish Torn Sky

Build online presence (that means more content for this bad boy!)

Decide between traditional and indie publishing options

Q2

Send Torn Sky to beta readers (now seeking volunteers)

Begin work on Book Two: Blood of Demons

Continue rolling out blog content

Q3

Consolidate returned beta comments

Address feedback and complete final edits of Torn Sky

Begin querying/approaching graphic designers

Q4

Continue Book Two–aiming for 80% completion of first draft

Publish Torn Sky teasers on blog

All of this is building to my ultimate goal of being a published author–however that may occur–before November 2019, when I will turn dirty thirty. If everything flows smoothly along my desired trajectory, then books two and three will be released in 2020 and 2021 respectively.

In addition to all this writing and work on making myself known I have pledged to read 20 books in 2018, most of which I intend to be finishing series I started in 2017. This includes but not limited to Shades of Magic (VE Schwab), Mistborn (Brandon Sanderson), The Witcher (Andrzej Sapkowski), The Raven Cycle (Maggic Steifvater), Puppet Master (Miyuki Miyabe) and The Broken Earth (N.K Jeminsin). Stand alone titles on the TBR this year include They Both Die at the End (Adam Silvera), Cloud Atlas (David Mitchell) and The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood).

It’s going to be a busy year. But (currently) I am positive! I’m not going to have the same issues with books two and three of Garden of the Gods as I have had with Torn Sky. I don’t intend on rewriting entire manuscripts from scratch after completing the first draft, as I have done with the first installment. There were serious plot and character issues that came to light the more I worked on Torn Sky and so rather than start again again (again-again-again: this story has been with me since 2004) I pushed through just to get to the end. I am confident this time (I hope) I now have everything where I want it to be and have set up the through-line to carry the rest of the series.

Having taken the effort to put a timeline in place (albeit a rough one) I hope I can stay motivated enough to actually follow it through. With everything that happened in 2017, I’ve learned nothing if not life is short; that passion can drive you anywhere; and that just because my mental illness tells me I’m a untalented piece of rubbish, doesn’t mean the world will agree with it.

Come at me, twenty-eighteen.

  j.a.m

    So long, 2017! [blog] The year that was & the year that will be #amwriting #writer #fantasy And so 2017 draws to a close. I for one can not be more relieved. This year has been a tumultuous one indeed: I moved countries, got married, began a new day-job, bought my first car, and moved again (domestically this time); I said goodbye to my Grandmother, a second mother who raised me alongside my own; and lost two public figures (