#actually ive just not being feeling well. the chronic fatigue is fatiguing

[eorzeashan]

fucked up off one chocolate hazelnut muffin and iced coffee

[stovetoast]

i know this is my art blog but i can do whatever i want. agents posting GO (WARNING THIS IS MESSY)

agent 3: lake. 19 (11 in splatoon 1), they/them

i dont have a lot on lake!!! they actually didnt get recruited at all, they just kinda... stumbled into the battlefield while the octavio fight was happening and insisted on sticking around afterwards because they had Way Too Much Energy. they dont really know a lot about their past before that, even less after oe. they now spend a lot of time researching turf game strategies (theyre not legally allowed to play because their special limiter is broken) and trying to push through the chronic fatigue. oh, and theyre in a qpr with 8.

personality . uhh basically lake likes to pretend theyre still silly but its Not working. they cant really speak above a certain volume either without it hurting. im so bad at describing personalities heeellllp hellllp help meeee helllllp

agent 4: mari(elle). 21 (15 in splatoon 2), any

the child of two splatlandian grizzco higher-ups! like... they work with the bear himself! they worked under the company at the inkopolis location for a while, including while the whole callie disappearing fiasco was happening, at least until the company got big enough where he could quit and her parents wouldnt notice. they didnt. cool! there may or may not be a reason that they didnt (wink) but i havent decided yet.

mari is kinda uhhhm. well. ive described it as theyre working on being silly without being mean. and hes been getting better :] + toni kensa fan oh heeeeelllllll no

agent 8: august/kass. 19 (13 in oe), he/him

oh god yeah i dont have a lot on him either. basically baby kass and baby lake met a few weeks before the Oe Incident and became fast friends. but then the metro happened and uhhhyeah you can imagine what happened to that. they both know they were close but dont really uh. actually i explained this better in another thing let me grab that.

"the key difference between a normal playthrough and this is that, not only did he run into agent 3 a few times in the metro, he… lost an eye when they were sanitized. the same eye, in fact. plus, his memories weren't entirely… restored, like how it i assume its implied to in oe. the contents of the mem cakes were merely evidence that there was a life before this, something to evoke feelings, and something to keep him going. that isn't his life anymore."

anyway. oe happens and now were here. present day kass is SILLY okay? but in the way that like. he dunks bread in pepsi and stares at mari (roommate) with the most blank face imaginable when they look at him weird. i dont know where im going with this hes just weird. he also has a strange fixation on death as a coping mechanism for the fact that his first memories are pretty much of zombies but hes respectful about it dw

new 3: clementine "kit"/patch. 16, it/its

basically it was forced to take on an unhealthy amount of schoolwork (+ a few extra years of school) because its parents live all the way in calamari county and didnt want it doing stupid shit. its primary guardian is its older sister, whos a lot nicer about this stuff yay! but yeah uhh splatoon 3 basically happens because it wanted to escape that. why it actually went in the manhole is up to interpretation .

through the nss bonanza business it made a friend, my friends oc ball :] together they are agent 6 and agent 9 (dubbed by lake because they knew itd get confusing) and theyre Siblings Yaaay. its smallfry friend (agent 3) is dubbed sen, short for baby sensory video, at least while kits learning their language. it doesnt know a lot about sen but is in the process of learning!!

its generally very quiet and soft-spoken to most people because of how it grew up, but in more of the ^_^ way ig??? despite that its also known to not have a sense of self preservation, again because of how it grew up. it goes out in the scorching hot desert for random junk. it ended up with severe facial scarring because it dove into danger so much in alterna. im describing this very badly im so sorry.

[magnoliamyrrh]

Can you drop the face wrinkle exercies routine? You said it did wonders to your face

sure! I know i wrote this on here before cuz someone asked me but i cant find it so here we go again lol

ive started using some new skincare products bc of the rash thing ive gotten on my face and those help too ive come to see. ive been using azelaic acid cream 10% morning sometimes night too, it helps increse skin overturn (like retinol does) and increse the collagen in the skin, but has been pretty gentle on my skin, and made it more smooth than it has been in yrs. it also dries out the face tho and i have a naturally very oily face without the acid, so ive been using A+D ointment (vaseline + lanolin (sheep grease)) which has been working great (vaseline cant clog up pores). having moisturized skin rly helps! also, ive v rarely used sunscreen throughout my life, and i know ppl say this helps prevent as well

other stuff, sometimes when i wake up i will take a icecube and rub it on my face. great way to wake up lol, but it also tightens the skin and helps reduce inflation. everyonce in awhile i will freeze an eggwhite and use this instead. also, being well hydrated helps, and Maybe taking collagen supplements or eating a diet heavy in collagen (soups w bones, bone marrow, skin, chicken feet etc, taking gelatin or collagen supplements) may help (i do this anyway bc of my lack of collagen bc genetic disorder).

as for the exercises, i follow the ones of this lady. you can also find her on tiktok where she has more content

the one at 2:38 (first link) is the one i do most often and i feel like its rly helped! it rly is a big difference compared to how it used to b before i started all this (and i can also tell a difference bc ive stopped doing it regularly for some weeks and its still better than it used to b, but not as good). i feel like i look less like a chronic smoker 30 year old exhausted mom lol, like i rly look moreso my age, most times i dont even have actual wrinkle dents in my laugh lines anymore where before there used to be!

this is for laugh line wrinkles tho, she has many others too for other parts of the face: ive done her eye exercises before and her forehead massage exercises and feel like those helped too! ive also done her exercises for jowels, and felt like they were sagging less. make sure your face is moisturized before you do this tho! ,,, ive also been at times doing a version of the lymph notes face massages you see online (but w my hands, not that stone thing), cant tell you if they help w anything but it does feel nice and help release tension in the face (tension being one of the things which leads to wrinkles)

i really did notice a difference after awhile of doing these every day! how much i did a day varied, sometimes just 10 min sometimes more as i was sitting around doing other things. i know at some point my cheeks hurt the day after, like i had muscle fatigue like when you exercise other muscles lol. i also noticed that after a few days it became a lot easier to do the movements and my face muscles were definetely getting stronger. be consistent and have patience and i really do think you will see some results!!! ive also seen a scientific study on this sort of exercises done on elderly women (50/60+) where they did 30 min of exercises every day for months, showing before and after photos, and i was rly shocked by the results; its why i decided to try to do this! best of luck :)

[purpleyoonn]

I think its frustrating that people doesn't understand how hard it is to write under pressure. Its one thing to get compliments, and another to feel like a press machine? I hope people respect you more after reading this!! If they don't, I hope they have the sense to google some of the things you mentioned to see how they affect someone. I think knowing these things helps a lot for general compassion when we live in a world of empathy fatigue.

With that in mind, the fatigue behind disabilities is something (some) people don't seem to get? I have Narcleopsy type 2 so I struggle a lot with chronic tiredness. It's not easy to deal with!! Some days its a choice between if I'm going to make myself meals, or if I'm going to take care of myself. (To oversimplify it in a way to show my own struggle). I can't imagine your own situation, but I know how mine affects me.

I actually find you really inspirational because of this- not just your writing (cause its beautiful af and sooooo well thought out), but also because of how hard you work. The past 3 years I've hit a rut because my psychologist basically said I need to give up all hope of a normal life. That college, work, etc is not possible. That my life is just going to be some early onset of poverty-stricken retirement starting in my 20s. I really had no hope, only a lot of fear. But following your blog for the short time I have has uplifted me so much. Not just from your newest series you started (I have a serious fear of not having worth because of my own disabilties) but from everything you've said and written.

I think you're incredible. I'm terrified of my future, if I will ever live a normal life. You've helped me want to start looking for a new normal, and to fight for what I want. So please keep setting boundaries because you're amazing. You need to take care of yourself for you ❤️

I try to reign in my online interactions (I don't do very well, I comment too much and annoy some ppl I think djfjjf) because I tend to be misunderstood a lot. I hope my sincerity is clear. Because you really are fantastic, and it's not fair for people to push you 😣

you made me cry with your words and understanding😭

pressure is such a struggle to be under. like I sometimes wonder if I should take another break but I love writing and I love posting for you guys. there is a line between loving a story and just being curious to when im posting next and sending me ask after ask and messages wondering and pushing me to post the next chapter.

its hard for me even now going through the trial of getting my diagnosis (still going through it unfortunately) but my biggest diagnosis so far is pots. it is so hard for me to understand why my body does what it does and I even fainted for the first time today helping my grandma in the kitchen. my heart rate was in the 170's and I almost gave my grandma a heart attack. just standing up from the couch my heart rate skyrockets and I go into prescyncope (which means im about to faint but don't). fatigue is a real struggle every day and some days are better than others.

I also learned last week that people with pots have a quality of like likened to those on dialysis with kidney failure. that's hard to grasp and understand. a normal life is hard to imagine sometimes and feels impossible.

it truly is a choice between eating and taking care of yourself some days. sometimes its even hard to get out of bed.

im am so happy that ive been able to help uplift you and help you believe that normal is possible for you. I understand being terrified of your future and I completely get where those thoughts come from. I hope that the both of us get everything we want from life and our disabilities don't hold us back.

thank you so much for your ask and your kind and understanding words.

[omegasmileyface]

some things fuck up your life if you dont do them. this post wasnt supposed to be about EVERYTHING, im a hedonist myself and a nig believer that if somwthing isnt working for you you should quit. fuck it. but, like, the thing i was originally doing in this post was an accounting lesson, because i paid hundreds of dollars for an accounting course because i hated my job and needed a certification to get a job i could almost begin to tolerate. if i did do it, i would be bored for 20 minutes. if i didnt do it, i would have wasted money i cant afford, plus the month of labor i had already put in, and i would still be just as unqualified for accounting jobs, and so i would either continue to not have a job (which i really cant afford) or have to get a job that makes me feel like dying every day forever

its about prioritization. means and ends. picking up a book i want to read is boring, but ill feel way better after reading it. calling the theater to order a ticket is terrifying, but ill be much happier after i watch the show. starting the essay feels like sticking my hand in a toilet but not having done the essay would ruin my one chance at a grade.

due to the season i posted this, lots of the comments have been along the lines of "this is a sign for my to do my taxes" and... yeah. if you do your taxes bored, you have one boring afternoon. if you do your taxes scared, you have a couple hours of checking up on yourself, and pausing midway to make sure your breathing is ok. if you do your taxes shitty (in the us), you get a letter from the irs that says "hey we need another $20" / "hey you gave us an extra $20" and you fix it. but if you don't do your taxes? that's when the real trouble starts

i am a strong believer that "cheating" is mostly fake, and you should make something easy and pleasant for you however possible. watch tv while folding laundry, store your toothbrush in the kitchen, whatever. also that you should be allowed to figure out for yourself what deserves your attention and quit things, even if it means "giving up" on a long-term goal of yours or "wasting" progress or disappointing someone. but i also think you have to do things sometimes, or at least start things, in order to have fun and pleasure (and do moral good) in life. you deserve slow-dopamine-release hobbies, and not facing consequences for failed responsibilities, and your friends deserve a friend who does (some) things with them and generally doesnt flake.

with all that in mind, its possible youre the kind of person for whom "waiting for the right time" actually ends up getting a right time before it's too late, or for whom you only feel really shitty about things if they're bad enough that you genuinely shouldn't do them. if so, that's genuinely awesome! but for most of the people seeing this post, there's some kind of disability or illness or just-plain-habit making that more difficult (i have seen this post tagged adhd a million times, and autism, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, and ocd a hundred times each (/hyperbole))... to quote a comment ive seen on it several times, from different people, "if I didn't do things bored i would never do things at all"— i go "uuuugggghhhh" everytime i think about my hobbies, or my career, or spending time with my friends, or being in public, or leaving my house, or just about anything else. but i still want those things. so, i made this reminder that when you think "well, ill do it later— i cant do it right now. the time isn't right; im bored" that "its boring" doesnt necessarily mean you cant/shouldnt do it. its a rule you made for yourself, and it has its defensive purposes, but you have to recognize it and know when its time to break it, you know? not everything has to be perfect, and not all positive motion needs to be immediate. you gotta plan for the future on neurotransmitter stocks sometimes

does that make any sense? sorry if at any point it came off accusatorily! i didnt mean it that way but i just woke up >< thank you for the comment!

realizing that sticking to the "do it bad" "do it scared" mentality implies theres also a "do it bored"

[lusiifer]

rant tw chronic illness and financial instability

i feel like any time i get close to reaching some semblance of financial stability my chronic illness(es) come in to remind me that that is in no way going to be happening anytime soon.

i just spent a few days in the hospital for severe anemia as a complication of crohns disease and… then blew out my tire and had to get two of them replaced not long after. while insurance will cover a lot of the hospital bills, it wont cover everything and i already have thousands of dollars in medical debt for labwork, tests, scans, etc that insurance didnt cover enough of.

and my social worker salary cannot keep up with everything. im so fatigued all the time and have near constant back and joint pain due to my arthritis, i dont have the energy to even think about looking for a better paying job/new job/possible side hustle let alone actually doing those things. i dont have the energy to devote to any type of relationship so i dont have many friends and dating is no go.

im only 27 and i feel so stuck. people tell me how very young i am bc i look extremely young for my age (and therefore should be happy and with the world as my oyster or some shit). like yeah im regularly mistaken for being a high school student and recently middle school weirdly but my body is basically rapidly decaying internally like im dorian gray or something. except i dont care about aging or anything like that i just want to be healthy and have the privilege of even getting to reach “old age.” and while ive become very resilient over the past 14 years ive been dealing with these problems and i manage to somewhat cope with stress well i know that everyone reasonably has a limit or threshold for how much stress they can reasonably literally physically tolerate until they just cant and i feel like im constantly waiting for the bottom to drop out from under me.

[kireoppi]

i love me abd my body and am trying to accept the fact that im disabled and will stay this way for my entire life, both physically (unless i do somehow manage to get better) and mentally, but im still grieving the fact that ive been stripped of a lot of what i love doing the most just because of my condition.

i used to do sports, a whole lot actually: hurdling, track, long jump, netball, and badminton. i loved them all so so much and i really wanted to be an athlete, but even then my condition wasn't the best. now, ive had to quit almost all physical activities i love and im still devistated by that. i still do some sports like ballet and dance, but those could really easily be taken away from me as well abd im just clinging onto them as hard as i can to not get these moments of job stripped away from me too, even though both activities hurt me.

i see friends doing what i used to be able to do and have fun while they engage in these activities, and im very happy that instead of them, im the one who has to deal with this so they wont be as upset as i am or be unable to cope as well as i currently can, but im not happy about the fact that i have to deal with this and that i have to miss out on so much. i cant even close my car doors properly or get the energy to brush my goddamn teeth.

sometimes i feel even worse because im only so young. i know many other young people are like me, but i still feel so alone because i see everyone having fun and being able to do things that i, even when i wasnt in this bad of a condition, couldnt do. i dont like the fact that i have to miss out on such a big part of my life.

to add to everything else, im not even diagnosed with what i suspect and have a high possibility of having. autism? my parents dont believe me, even though i have many symptoms and teachers, friends, hell even my counselor said i may have it. chronic fatigue? im just tired. it'll go away. POTS? youre just not active enough. i feel invalid and alone, i hate this.

[godmademeinmspaint]

rating my past doctors on a scale of how much Leonard “Bones” McCoy would want to fight them

For context i have had chronic fatigue syndrome that went undiagnosed for 5 years, its very tied to my anxiety and depression. Also undiagnosed autism my whole life until recently lmao

The One With The Glasses

- -2/10 

- actually started treating me for the cfs even though i was yet to have a formal dx at the time

- offered to help get me out of P.E. class 

- gave me a list of what medicine to take, how much, and in what order

- i feel like they could actually enjoy a nice pot of tea together 

The One With The Bob Cut

- 6/10

- she is getting decked 

- refused to do anything about the depression until i did daily walks, which i was already doing

- told me to walk more even though i literally can not because of my (unfound at the time) cfs

- insisted my severe depression would go away if i walked enough

- brushed off my chronic illness symptoms that ive had for 5 years

- “her pronouns are they/them”

The Other Bob Cut Lady (one who gave me my autism dx)

- 7/10

- she’d really grind his gears tbh

- acted like me being autistic was something to be “overcame” instead of embraced 

- generally talked about it as though it was a bad thing, which it isnt

- “doesnt believe” in meltdowns???

- told me and my mother who both have celiac disease that 20 minutes is not enough time for a reaction to eating gluten despite it being how long it takes for my body to react to gluten

- if she thought she knew enough about celiac disease to tell us that she should know that every celiac reacts to gluten differently

- literally just insisted that it would take me longer to react to gluten even though it just doesnt???

- condescending 

- yet again brushed off my chronic illness symptoms as “normal”

- “her pronouns are they/them”

- listed “possible gender dysphoria” on my diagnosis papers when i told her directly that i had gender dysphoria, am using he/they pronouns, and have an actual gender dysphoria diagnosis 

The Blonde One

- 8/10

- hed somehow get her fired i think

- acted surprised when i told her i have friends 

- got sent in for severe depression and anxiety 

- acted surprised when i exhibited symptoms of severe depression and anxiety 

- told me that my executive dysfunction (which is a common trait in all my conditions and autism as well, to the point where its sometimes considered an autistic trait) was just me being ‘lazy’ even though i had all my dx at this point

- acted completely indifferent and condescending when this made me cry

- didnt care or do anything when i told her i felt like i had nothing to live for 

- claimed to have never have done any of these things after i complained

- brushed off my cfs symptoms completely 

- tried to start diagnosing me with autism despite her knowing i already was diagnosed with autism

- then proceeded to be all like ‘i think you may be autistic’ ????after we already told her i am???

- did not listen to me or my family at all 

- suggested mindfullness breathing after we told her we had tried everything

- hEr pRonOUnS aRE thEy/tHeM

The Angel Sent From Heaven 

- 0/10

- she found out what was wrong with me in 15 minutes

- gave me and answer ive been looking for for 5 years

- actually listened to my chronic illness symptoms and didnt act like they were ‘just normal’

- she was the one who recommended i get tested for autism, which gave me another answer i had been searching for my entire life

- actually used my pronouns

- didnt act like autism was a tragedy 

- was an actually nice doctor who i could talk to without being gaslit and talked down too

[queerautism]

hello! love ur blog btw and im here for the ask game thing.

im autistic and have ptsd so i already consider myself disabled in that regard but i only recently started to accept that i was also physically. i feel a Dull pain pretty much all the time, mostly in my finger joints, wrists, back, shoulders, neck, hips, and sometimes my ankles. my feet and hands are sensitive to cold and they also fall asleep super easy which is annoying. when i walk for long periods of time by body starts to hurt more.. just to name a few symptoms

i recently got a cane to help when i need to walk a lot, and weed also helps calm the pain too. but ive never gone to a doctor about my chronic pain bc im used to being invalidated bc im fat. pain in my side when i walk? need to exercise more. cant get past round 10 of the pacer test? youre just fat and thats why. literally anything weakness or pain or fatigue?? you need to lose weight. all my life my parents would hound me about my weight as if they werent the ones feeding me all the fast food i was eating.

now that im older and i dont live with them anymore, i feel more comfortable accepting myself being "physically impaired", i still dont use 'disabled' bc im actually very mobile and energetic in short bursts, which is probably a silly cop-out, but yeah. my parents also have no idea i have a cane and im gonna show up to their house with it this summer bc idrc what they think anymore lolz (they treat me with more kindness and respect nowadays so i feel safe doing this dw)

anyway thank u for being a kewl blogger rouke much luv <3

Hey thanks! <3 Honestly it does sound like you're physically disabled, and i know theres a disorder where the cold hands and feet and falling asleep stuff is very common, but cant remember the name right now. Im sorry doctors are so fatphobic i fucking hate it. Well done on getting a cane though!!!! Thats amazing 💜

[princessjungeun]

Sunshine on A Cloudy Day: Sana x Reader

tw// chronic illness, hospitals, needles, mention of cancer

it’s a high school au btw

this is based on my personal experience. pls be respectful as it wasn’t easy for me to write this :)

Your alarm played through your room, waking you up immediately. You pressed snooze at least seven times before actually getting up and dressing yourself for the long day that was to come.

You pulled on your favorite t shirt and pajama pants before tugging on a sweatshirt. You checked the time before packing your bag, making sure to add your laptop and phone along with their chargers, snacks, socks, favorite stuffed animal, and a few extra school assignments.

By the time you made it downstairs your mom was already waiting for you. Quickly she handed you an apple and muffin to eat on the car ride.

“Okay sweetie I have a meeting this morning from 8 until 11. I’ll bring you lunch, just text or call and tell me what you want.” Your mother spoke not taking her eyes off the road as she drove.

Your mom pulled out her wallet and handed you two familiar cards, telling you to tuck them away until someone inside asked for them.

“Alright sweet girl I’ll be back soon, if they have any issues call me and I can sort it out.” Your mom kissed your forehead before letting you out the car, watching you walk inside before driving away.

Your feet felt heavy as the familiar smell of saline and disinfectant filled your nose. You grabbed a disposable mask off the lobby desk and put it on.

As you started to walk towards the elevator a woman called after you “maam!”

You turned around and pulled down the mask “don’t worry I’m still a minor. I’m going to the 4th floor.”

The woman nodded and gave you a thumbs up with a smile before turning back to check in adults.

It was still early so not many people were in the hallways, except the emergency wing. It is always packed no matter what.

You made your way to the fourth floor hoping if you wakes slower you just wouldn’t have to go. But that wasn’t how it worked and you knew it.

When you entered the waiting room you found a seat by the window. The dull grey sky offered no source of light, leaving you to rely on the fluorescent ceiling panels for brightness.

“Miss Y/LN?” The woman at the desk called your name, waving you over.

“Good morning sweetie haven’t seen you for a few weeks now.” She smiled as she spoke her tone was calming but also happy.

She asked “you got the insurance card for me?” You nodded and handed her one of the cards waiting for her to tell you how much you owed for today’s visit.

“And you have a $30 copay today, would you like to take care of that now?” You nodded and handed her the second card your mom gave you earlier. She finished checking you in “alright they’ll call you back in a bit.”

You sat down and pulled out your phone knowing that your girlfriend was actually awake now.

Y/N: hey

Sana 💞: good morning jagi

Sana 💞: you have an appointment today right?

Y/N 💘: yeah...kinda just wanna go back home

Sana 💞: it’s okay i’ll come over after school and make it better

Y/N 💘: you don’t have to i’ll be fine, this isn’t new

Sana💞: no girlfriend obligations

Sana 💞: i’m coming and you can’t stop me

Y/N 💘: okay fine

Y/N 💘: i’ll text you later, they’re calling me back now

•

•

•

It didn’t take long for your nurse to call you back and get you situated in a treatment room. There was only one other patient along with you. It was a little girl no more than 3 years old. You didn’t know exactly what she was getting but your heart broke at the thought considering what department you were in, Cancer and Blood Disorders.

It took 3 hours for your IV bag to get delivered to your floor so you turned on the tv hoping something good was on. You settled on Moana, the only thing that wasn’t the news.

“Alright love we just got your bag, you know the drill, vitals every ten minutes for the first 30 then i’ll come every hour. We should have you out in 5 hours if everything goes well okay?” Your favorite nurse Haseul explained to you quickly what was going to happen.

You found yourself in this same spot with her every couple weeks so she knew how you liked things to go.

“So how’ve you been missy? How’s Sana?” She poked your side getting you to smile for the first time today.

You told her “she’s really good...I haven’t seen her in three weeks though. She got sick for two and she had finals this week, but today is her last one.”

Haseul checked “so you didn’t see her when she was sick right? You know you can’t be around that with your anemia.”

You nodded softly remembering why you were even in the hospital in the first place. What was once a slight iron deficiency quickly turned into a chronic anemia that couldn’t be healed with oral supplements. Doctors had no other option than to put you on infusion treatments which sucked.

Although people were definitely going through worse, especially in this department, that didn’t take away from what you dealt with. The constant fatigue, dizziness, falling asleep in class, hair loss, being malnourished, all of it a constant reminder that you weren’t like most.

“Y/N!” Haseul snapped her fingers in front of your face.

You blinked rapidly “sorry what?”

Haseul responded “it’s okay I just needed to make sure you didn’t pass out on me. I need to put on your heart monitor.” She placed the stickers on your chest before grabbing the IV kit she placed on your lap earlier.

“Alright in your hand or arm today?” Haseul knows you prefer the arm but she always asks in case you change your mind.

You simply pointed to your arm before extending it so she could access your vein. Finding your vein was no problem, as you still had a raised bump from the last time you got treatment.

“Okay...and one two- there you go.” Haseul secured the IV with a Tergaderm, which was weirdly enough your favorite part of this whole process.

She left you and cane back every ten minutes to check your vitals before disappearing to help another patient for a bit.

You ended up spending the first two hours dozing in and out of sleep, waiting for your mother to call you. Eventually you did in fact wake up, and to the smell of your favorite food.

Your mother sat in a chair next to you on her phone talking to who you assume is a coworker. Quickly she hung up the phone so she could talk to you instead.

“Hey hows it going so far?” She asked with slight concern.

You told her “ fine just sleeping to pass time that’s all.”

She smiled before handing you a bag of food hoping it’d bring some form of joy to your day.

•

•

•

You both ended up enjoying an early lunch together but unfortunately she had to leave the hospital for an emergency meeting. It wasn’t unusual for this to happen so you were used to it, she’d simply be back at the end of your appointment.

Your phone buzzed next to you, pulling your attention away from your mother’s absence.

Sana💞: how are you doing so far?

Y/N💘: it’s good. I’m watching Aladdin now :)

Sana💞: i wanna be there with you rn instead of in math class

Y/N💘: your day is almost over then you can see me

Y/N💘: think of it that way

Sana💞: yeah but i still wish i was with you

Y/N💘: soon

Sana💞: ok fine. i have to go i love you

Y/N💘: i love you too babe

Around the third hour you became irritable and ended up walking the hallways with Haseul. She was honestly the only thing that made you feel normal in this place.

When the two of you got back you were tired and worn out from the walk. It didn’t seem like a long distance to most but you definitely were feeling it.

You found your spot back in the treatment room, sitting in your chair and reclining it back. Just as you were going to close your eyes Haseul called your name.

“Y/N. You’ve got a visitor would you like her to come back?” Haseul didn’t bother to open the curtain to tell you who it was so being the curious girl you were, you allowed it.

Sana walked in with a smile on her face, it was like your sunshine on a cloudy day. It was clear she had just finished school as she was still in her uniform, and she was wearing her backpack.

“Ho- Sana? Why? How did you even get in here?” You asked her through a laugh.

Sana responded “nobody stopped me downstairs and I know you’re on this floor. The lady at the desk outside was very nice too!”

You immediately sat up, not realizing that was a bad idea given your position. Closing your eyes tight you tapped your finger on the arm rest of your chair, waiting for the dizziness to stop.

When you opened your eyes you saw Sana in front of you, a frown on her face. It broke her heart to see you, her girlfriend, in this state. You always tried to make it seem like you weren’t sick but it was very obvious that you still were no matter how much you pretended otherwise.

She placed a blanket over you before running her thumb along your face and softly saying “my baby girl...”

You smiled at her knowing it might possibly make her less sad but it didn’t do much.

She could tell you were tired so she told you “it’s fine just sleep.”

By the time you woke up it was time for you to leave. Haseul had flushed your IV and took your vitals for the last time while you were asleep.

Your mother was downstairs in the parking garage waiting for you and Sana so you could go home.

It was clear by the look on your face that you felt nauseous, a common side effect of your treatment, from the second you stood up.

Sana gathered your things and help you put on your sweatshirt and bag before you two headed downstairs.

You interlocked you’re hand with hers as you felt dizzier with every step you took. She could tell you were having a hard time but she knows how much you try to hide it. When you both made it to the car you fell asleep almost instantly.

Sana helped you to your room, quickly helping you to bed before stealing some of your clothes to wear for herself.

You sleepily held out your arms for her, a soft whimper leaving your lips. She crawled under the covers and you immediately clung to her. You were shivering as if you were standing in snow with only a bathing suit on. Your hands and fingers started turning blue, indicating you body temperature was dropping, a side effect of treatments.

Sana pulled you closer and kissed the top of your head as your fingers curled around her shirt, holding her close.

It only took ten seconds before you started sobbing into her chest. As much as you wanted to pretend you were fine and not in pain, you couldn’t hide it anymore. Breaking down in her arms you sobbed until you fell asleep. She felt terrible knowing there was nothing she could do to fix it, but she knew that you appreciated her being there for you.

You only slept for an hour before you woke up in a cold sweat. Your t shirt clung to your back as you kicked off your blankets seeking some sort of way to cool yourself down. That did little to nothing so you scrambled to the bathroom hoping cold water would do the trick.

Sana knew this was yet another side effect of your treatment, a high fever. Your cheeks burned red as you splashed your face with water in the sink. Much to your relief it worked and you were finally able to get back in bed with her.

Your girlfriend held you in her arms tight as if she never wanted to let go.

“Thank you...” You softly spoke as she drew small circles along the small of your back.

“For what?” She asked curiously.

You mumbled “everything...just everything you do for me.”

She giggled softly “you know i’d do anything for you baby.”

Mumbling softly you told her “i love you.”

She responded quickly “i love you too.”

Letting your eyes close you further melted into her embrace as she tightened her arms around you. In the back of your mind you were reminded why you always said i love you before you fell asleep. Besides the fact that you did in fact love her, but if you happened not to wake up tomorrow, the last thing she heard from you was those three words.

Nevertheless you hoped and prayed you’d wake up in the morning to see her smiling face.

[gendernewtral]

Who can use the c slur and the c slur punk label? Do u have to have a mobility disorder and use mobility aids? Also, I saw that you have cfs and I was always questioning if I could have that too since I am out of energy and often tired… I find it hard to do thing I want to do bc I feel like I’m out of energy .. but people tell me it’s just because I go to bed late… how do I know if it’s just my fault or if I could have cfs? how did you get diagnosed? :c

one thing i want to make super clear: im not the word police. i don’t think it’s worth my time (or anyone else’s) to hunt down people who ~might~ be using a word improperly, without intending to diminish its importance or mock those who are impacted by it. in my opinion, anyone who has a disability that directly impacts their body can call themselves crippled/use the phrase cripplepunk. however, that’s not a pass to use it for anyone else as it is absolutely still used commonly as a slur and it’s reclamation is pretty new. a person doesn’t need to use a mobility aid to consider themselves crippled, but should have a disability that’s physical in origin or that connects to what it actually means to be called crippled. there’s no clear line at all and i don’t like to argue about it, but ill say my biggest problem with the c slur is when people who are impacted physically by their disabilities but are not physically DISABLED use it. ie, i saw someone with autism (and no other disability) claim that they can call themselves crippled because they visibly flap their hands, and they’ve experienced ableism because of it. that alone is not a physical disability and feels like a cheapening of the experiences of physically disabled people.

that aside lol, i haven’t been formally diagnosed with me/cfs. ive been diagnosed with atypical fibromyalgia, but that’s basically a fancy way of saying me/cfs since the two are almost interchangeable. there are incredibly limited differences with the most important being that post-exertion malaise (pem) manifests differently in me/cfs than in fibromyalgia. i do have pem crashes, which is the most basic diagnostic criteria of me/cfs, but i also have the world’s shiftiest “care” “team” so i haven’t had that correctly diagnosed.

me/cfs has a lot of very specific criteria but the most important is pem. pem crashes are essentially a massive worsening of symptoms after you over exert yourself, and that can mean moving too much, studying too much, and a number of other things. theres some other symptoms that are nearly universal that are also nearly universally disabling.

i can sleep ten hours a night and ill still be as tired as i am after sleeping for four hours. me/cfs makes it so i basically never regenerate my energy fully. it’s often started bc of a viral illness and people notice a marked difference between their activity level before and after SOMETHING happened. i used to notice a significant difference in energy level if i just slept well, but ever since i had a massive health crisis, i don’t.

there’s a ton of information and resources out there abt me/cfs beyond what i linked, and it might be able to help you figure out what’s up. me/cfs is a p specific disorder and it’s different from chronic fatigue which is a symptom that comes with almost all chronic illnesses. let me know if you have any more questions, i hope this was helpful!

[daringyounggrayson]

one step at a time

anonymous said: Here’s a prompt for you: “I could really use a cuddle” for Dick with either Bruce or Damian?

thanks for the prompt! this accidently turned into a short fic, whoops. I also included my headcanon that Dick’s early exposure to fear toxin caused some long-term health problems. all you really need to know, though, is that Dick experiences fear toxin symptoms on and off even without exposure, the antidote doesn’t work very well for him, the exposure damaged his lungs which can make it hard to breathe during an attack, and he uses an inhaler that has a variation of the antidote in it which helps to relieve his symptoms. Enjoy!

He’d seen him again. Bruce, last night. Of course, not really him. Because Bruce isn’t here so it couldn’t have even been him, but also not him, because his memory of Bruce had been warped by fear toxin. And now that the night was over, he was left to sift through the memories. They meant nothing, sure, but the thing about people is that they find meaning in anything, including nothing. Dick does it well, too; probably the only time he can call himself a spectacular person.

“Alfred?” Dick calls, voice scratchy. He must’ve been screaming, probably scared the crap out of Damian, even if the kid would never admit it. Which only makes Dick feel worse.

With no response, Dick sits up and carefully takes the IV out of his arm. He looks up to see if it was just fluids, or if the antidote kept wearing off and he’d needed to be on a drip. Both, it turns out. Fun.

“Master Dick, my apologies, I was with Master Damian,” Alfred says, hurrying over to Dick before he can get out of bed. He’s pushing Dick back, gathering supplies to set up what looks like a blood draw.

“Damian okay?” Dick asks.

“He’s well, albeit a little shaken.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“We’ll have none of that.” Alfred pulls Dick’s arm out and wraps a band around it, then he’s swabbing the crook of his arm with an alcohol swab and jabbing a needle into it. He takes the band off and lets the blood flow into the vial. “How are you feeling?”

Dick shrugs. “You know.” He’s been exposed to fear toxin so many times, and the early times, they hadn’t even had an effective treatment for it. Now, it seems the antidote doesn’t work on him as well as it does on the others, even Bruce. And an exposure always makes him feel sick the next day—chest tight, headache, kind of nauseous. Not to mention feeling jumpy and on edge. Alfred already knows all of this, though; voicing it would be redundant.

Read the rest on AO3 or below the cut!

“Perhaps you should rest a while longer,” Alfred suggests. “At least until your blood has been properly examined.”

“Sure,” Dick says, because really, he’s not feeling great. “But I want to check on Damian first.”

“Very well,” Alfred says, using his voice that says he doesn’t think it’s “very well” at all, actually. But he knows when not to push.

Dick makes his way upstairs, shaking ever so lightly from fatigue and residual fear. He hopes this doesn’t last long, but he knows it must’ve been a pretty bad hit. Maybe multiple hits. He’s surprised Damian wasn’t taken down too—or maybe he had been, but his immune system doesn’t have the same response as Dick’s, so he recovered quickly like everyone else seems to. He hopes it stays that way, and if Babs, Jason, Tim, Cass, and Steph are any indication, Damian should be fine. 

Dick eventually reaches Damian’s door, and he raps it with his knuckles. He waits, and a moment later, Damian opens the door. He looks up at Dick, and something like relief flashes across his face before it’s replaced with a scowl. “Hey, kiddo. Just wanted to check in after last night. You holding up okay?”

“I don’t need your concern, Grayson,” Damian tells him. “Perhaps if you had taken more precautions last night, you would not be in your current state and Scarecrow would have been apprehended more efficiently.”

So not well, was the answer to his question. “Right then. Alfred checked you out and everything?”

“I was able to supply my own antidote in the field, and Pennyworth examined some follow-up blood work to ensure it had worked properly. Which it had. Due to my quick response, I never experienced its effects,” Damian says proudly. It’s kind of amazing; even with quick response, Dick can never avoid the effects of fear toxin completely. “I was also able to get you back to the car before you could make a fool of yourself in front of Commissioner Gordon.”

Dick closes his eyes for a moment, holding his tongue. “Thanks, Damian. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, but you did a good job last night. I’m proud of you.”

He can hear Bruce’s voice whispering in his ear again. He wants to groan; he hopes this is just a mild leftover effect and not a sign that he needs more antidote. The fear toxin is way worse, obviously, but being on a drip isn’t fun, and it comes with its own side-effects. His chest is feeling tight, though; maybe he should find one of his inhalers.

“Grayson?” Damian is asking, something fearful in his voice.

“Hmm?” Dick opens his eyes and realizes he’s slumped on the ground, hands pressed to his chest. “Oh.”

“I should get Pennyworth,” Damian decides, looking like he’s ready to run.

Dick shakes his head. “It will pass, just need a minute. ‘Sides, Alfred’s probably already on his way.”

“Is the toxin still in your system?” Damian asks instead, and Dick shakes his head, even though he doesn’t really know that for sure. “Pennyworth was telling me of your chronic health issues that have resulted from over-exposure at a young age. Is that . . ?” Why he feels like he’s been run over?

“Probably,” Dick answers, closing his eyes again. He wonders how much Alfred has told him. He should know, for safety reasons, but. It would be nice to have some control over this situation. “Can you get my inhaler for me?” Dick could get it, but Damian sounds so helpless right now—giving him something to do will be good for him. “It’s on my nightstand.”

“Very well, if that will help.”

Damian is fast, and he’s quiet while Dick takes the inhaler. He doesn’t know if he’s done this in front of Damian before; he’s needed to, but he’s always excused himself. Dick takes the puff and holds his breath; a few minutes later, his chest feels less tight and the whispers have settled.

“Thanks.”

“Master Dick?” Alfred calls, heading up the hallway toward him. “Are you quite alright?”

“He had an attack,” Damian says, tattles.

“It wasn’t an attack,” Dick says, because it wasn’t. Not really. “Just rough from last night. Did you check the bloodwork?”

“It looks clear. So as long as your symptoms remain mild, I do not feel the need to give you another dose,” Alfred tells him, and Dick relaxes. “Bed rest, however, continues to be recommended.”

This is something Alfred will push for, and Dick doesn’t want to be pushed, so he holds his hand out and lets Alfred help him up.

“Very good, sir,” Alfred praises him. “Master Damian, if you’ll excuse us for a moment.”

Alfred helps Dick get into bed, gets him settled, and hands him a pill. Then he disappears into the bathroom, returning with a cup of water.

“What’s this?” Dick asks, swallowing it with the proffered water before he gets an answer.

“Only some Tylenol,” he assures. “For the headache and chest pain.”

“Thanks,” Dick says, easing himself into the pillows. “Was it … it was bad last night?”

“You were having difficulty breathing when Master Damian brought you in,” Alfred tells him. “You required a breathing treatment followed by oxygen for a while, although neither were very effective until the antidote began to work. Master Damian seemed unsettled, so I thought it would be best for the two of us to have a conversation about your specific reactions to fear toxin.”

“How much did you tell him?” Dick asks, eyes closed and breathing already slowing.

“I didn’t go into too much detail, but I explained the cause”—over-exposure to and lack of treatment for fear toxin mixed with a developing brain and pair of lungs—“and how your symptoms come and go. He was confused as you had been exposed before and hadn’t reacted so severely, so we discussed how this can be unpredictable and is often influenced by other factors. Including variation in dosages and time before treatment.”

Nothing new to Dick, but for a ten-year-old who had no warning, it could be a lot. Even if that ten-year-old was Damian.

“Hmm,” Dick chooses as a response. “Thanks.”

“Of course,” Alfred tells him, resting a hand on top of his head. “Sleep well, and do call if you need me.”

And Dick sleeps.

oOo

The nightmares come and go. It’s not the toxin, but his brain is always like this after an exposure—even if it hasn’t been this bad in a while. Years, even.

Dick finds himself in a confusing cycle of waking and falling asleep, unsure of where he is and what’s real. He remembers Alfred, finding him in the hall and herding him back to bed, pressing an inhaler into his palm. Had he been sleepwalking? Had Alfred checked him for a fever? He felt cold, maybe they were chills. Maybe he was actually sick.

The next lucid moment, he found himself feeling the urge to run away. From what, he couldn’t remember, but the nightmare had been clear once. He was at least certain that the only place he wanted to run to was Bruce, but he wasn’t here, and the dream told him he was also part of the monster. But that couldn’t be right, because Bruce could never be a monster. He fought monsters, and he won.

“Grayson?” Damian is shaking him awake. It had been a dream, then. But. He was in the hallway? Had he run away? “Grayson, it was just a dream, you’re alright.”

Bruce had said those words to him. Not exactly, but close. And Dick had said them to Damian—it hadn’t been fear toxin that had caused that first nightmare, it had been after Bruce, and after Tim left.

“I’m, I’m,” Dick mumbles, unable to control his tongue.

“You’re outside father’s room,” Damian tells him calmly. He sounds like he’s following a script; Alfred had probably told him how to handle Dick like this. “You are having a flare-up. Do you require your inhaler?”

“I’m fine,” Dick says. And he thinks it’s true. “You can, I’m sorry I bothered you.”

“Nonsense. It is Robin’s job to look out for Batman, isn’t it?” Damian asks, and Dick nods. “Then as Robin, leaving you now would be a dishonorable act.”

Dick hums, unable to argue and unsure how or even if he should. It’s hard to think like this; he doesn’t feel like himself.

“Do you require assistance to get back to bed?” Damian asks.

Dick stands, and Damian slides his arm around Dick’s waist. Dick knows he could manage on his own, but he’s dizzy. It’s nice not to have to stumble and fall all the way back to his room.

Damian only lets go of him when Dick’s sitting back in bed. He hesitates, watching Dick cautiously. Dick is feeling tired again, too tired to figure out what Damian needs. Maybe a dismissal? Could be, but Dick should probably thank him instead. This is a big step for Damian, trying to take care of Dick, showing that he cares about Dick. He remembers the first time he was sick since Damian came to live with him, and he had been quite the opposite of kind and understanding back then.

“You’re shaking,” Damian says. “Is that? Or perhaps you are not in the proper state to discuss this.” More script, Dick guesses.

“It’s okay,” Dick assures him; he’s happy to answer the question, happier that Damian feels comfortable asking. “But yeah. I think it’s just the adrenaline.”

“I see.”

A long pause, and Dick can feel himself swaying where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. He wishes Damian would spit it out, or leave if he wasn’t going to. Dick really needs to lie down.

“I am aware that you are very … tactile, and I have read that pressure can help ease anxiety,” Damian starts cautiously. “Do you think that would help you?”

For a moment, Dick forgets how terrible he feels and he can’t help but grin up at Damian. “Are you asking me if I want to cuddle?”

Damian scowls at him, crossing his arms over his chest. “Do not be childish, Grayson. I am merely suggesting what the experts have found to be effective, especially for people such as yourself. I would rather let you recover in your own time, but Batman and Robin are needed, and—“

“Damian,” Dick cuts him off. “I could really use a cuddle. Or whatever you want to call it.”

Damian scoffs at him, but then he wraps his arms around Dick. Dick hugs him back, squeezing him tightly. It does help Dick feel better, and he hopes Damian is sharing some of this relief. After all, they’ve both had a rough night.

[folkshroom]

okokok so i saw u talking ab ur skincare in the tags of a post n now i’m rly interested bc i know NOTHING n my skin is so dry HELP

im sorry i haven't answered this!!! i got some new stuff to add to my routine and i wanted to actually use it before i told ppl it was good or not!

but i GOT U OK my skin is super dry too, even when i was using a heavy moisturizer in the morning (usually around 5-6 am) i would be super super dry and flaky by my work break which is usually around 11!

***this is if i’m not wearing makeup! if i am, the makeup remover cleaners i use are Lush’s 9-5 cleansing balm, or if i’m feeling especially dry/during the winter, i use Lush’s Ultrabland, bc its a little more oil based and moisturizing! after these, the routine is the same!***

1. Lush’s Kalamazoo Cleanser: so this is pretty much the only face wash ive used this long and genuinely think has benefitted my skin! its actually a beard cleanser, but you can use it as a normal face wash too, and its exfoliating bc of the pineapple juice, it doesnt have any texture or beads or anything, so it’s pretty gentle!

2: The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%: this one im not going to outright recommend yet, ive only used it for a couple days, but its supposed to help w blemishes and breakouts! i dont have acne prone skin, but i am disabled + have chronic fatigue, so sometimes it’s hard for me to do all of this consistently (and by all of this i mean literally any of it tbh) and i tend to get a bit of acne in my T zone when i dont for a bit!

3. The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5: this brand is SO amazing and SO affordable!! this is a thin water-based formula, so i use it first! it makes my skin super soft, and i’ve been using it for about a week and have nothing bad to say about it! the very first time i sued this, i could immediately feel how soft and smooth my skin was after i finished my routine, it was shocking (i did in fact make my gf pet my face afterwards)

4: The Ordinary 100% Plant-Derived Squalane: ok remember everything i said about how soft my face was after using step 3? multiply that times 20 and you’ve got this product. it’s an oil based formula, so it’s the last serum-like thing i use, and it is honestly unbelievable, like i said these products are so affordable to begin with, this one is roughly $7 i think? and you only use a few drops, so they last a long time!!!! this one helps w maintaining surface hydration without clogging ur pores n all that, and i absolutely love it even though i’ve only been using it since monday! so much so that when my cat spilled the majority of my bottle, i immediately went out today after work and bought another!

5: Lush’s Celestial Moisturizer: ok this one im not gonna say absolutely 100% go get this. it’s really nice, soaks in well, but is VERY expensive. i got a small sample size in a set from Lush, and ive been using it very very sparingly in only the dries parts of my face, but i wanted to mention it nonetheless. 

6: The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factors + HA: ok THIS. MOISTURIZER. again, super affordable, about $7 for a decent sized tube, about the size of a face wash tube, and it is AMAZING. it keeps my skin so soft and so moisturized, no more being dry again after 4 hours! its a little heavy, but to be fair i do use a good amount, and it soaks in pretty quickly, probably about 10 minutes or so? and it doesnt make u feel greasy or clog ur pores!!!

so thats it for my daily stuff, but i do use one more product. 

so i have pretty dry skin, but it also gets kinda dull and textured weirdly? like foundation doesnt rly sit right on my forehead and stuff, and one a week or so ive been using The Ordinary AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peeling Solution, which is a mild, at-home chemical peel type situation? it went semi viral on tiktok awhile back, its like a blood red color haha. it doesnt feel great, bc its acid, but it kinda feels like when u get hair bleach on ur skin for a minute or so and then it stops, and it just helps my skin look brighter, and also fades acne scars (which is great, bc i have a skin picking issue so i make things worse than they should be) but if u have sensitive skin this is probably a no-go

OK sorry for rambling haha skincare is kind of a special interest of mine i guess? uhhh if u have any other questions lmk!!!!

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Lost Weekends: Chemo Progress Report

Hi friends,

I'm writing you from my sofa, where I spend an increasing amount of time (much to the delight of the cat), at the end of my second post-chemo weekend. My last update was a month ago, right after I had done the considerable work of enrolling in the clinical trial at Penn that looks at treatment with chemotherapy and the immunological agent atezolizumab vs. just chemotherapy. My first session was on January 30th and I had a bit of good luck (for a change) and was randomized to the arm of the trial that got both the chemotherapy agent and the immunological agent, rather than the control group! (That's why I look improbably happy about my IV infusion in the attached photo.)

So far, the side effects are pretty tolerable. They don't really show up until days 2 or 3 which, since I go on Thursdays, pretty much means a Lost Weekend to symptoms. There's nausea, but I'm able to manage it with medication, and then there's very intense fatigue. I said to a friend at the outset of this trial that I consider myself a connoisseur of fatigue, having suffered chronic fatigue for years that was bad enough for them to do a bone marrow biopsy to verify that I didn't have cancer. (That's how I know I didn't have it in 2016.) This particular strain of fatigue is both familiar, in that the physical effects are undeniable and demand immediate rest, and unfamiliar because I get foggy-headed in a way I didn't before. Some folks refer to memory and concentration problems they encounter as "chemo brain," but I think this is less intense, more like being sleep deprived or a little sick. Honestly, the whole package is like having a bad flu. It lasts about 5 days and the symptoms are pretty similar. So, not great. But also not the worst. On this study, I go to Penn for treatment every 3 weeks. It takes all day, in part because when you get treated with a drug that's in trials they have to release it from the "experimental pharmacy," a process that can take multiple hours (as it did last Thursday). I'm really glad I only have to go every 3 weeks (plus visits for scans) and not every week, as I was doing before, both because it gives me the opportunity to recover from the side effects and have a bit more of a normal time in between visits. Also, they are a huge pain.

I know that may seem obvious, since chemo is clearly a terrible way to spend a day. But the truth is that it's actually less bad than the exhausting apparatus surrounding the visit. I tend, as usual, to minimize the more distressing aspects, both to myself and others, because it's just what needs to be done and, in a situation as colossally unfair as this one, the inconvenience or annoyance of actually going to the hospital pales in comparison. But, if you're curious, here's what it's like.

A day going to chemo for me starts pretty early since I live about 45 miles from Philadelphia and since I-95 is always terrible. Driving can take anywhere from an hour and ten minutes (without any traffic) to 2+ hours (if there's an accident). So if I'm supposed to check in at 8:30am I have to leave the house ideally by 6:30--which I NEVER manage to do because I have a lifelong hatred of mornings--but definitely before 7:00. This means getting up around 5:30 or 5:45. Again, I know people get up this early all the time, but if you know me you know that I am basically incapable of falling asleep before 1am (unless I'm very sick).

So I set out on this early venture, but not alone. I have an intrepid and sleepy friend with me to drive, both because I'm not allowed to drive myself home and because parking at the hospital is such a nightmare that often I have to hop out at a corner or intersection to make my appointment time. I did, however, learn that you get completely free parking if you get chemo! (This isn't true for other kinds of appointments.) My intrepid friend will meet up with me again in the cancer center and, usually, work remotely throughout the day while we sit in a series of chairs and check in with a series of doctors. I'm really grateful for this company because something that no one tells you about cancer is how incredibly boring it is a lot of the time.

The first medical thing that happens is that the nurses at the "infusion center" (which always sounds more pleasant than it actually is, as though it should come with scented oils) access the port through which they draw blood (usually about 10 tubes of it) and through which I'll receive chemo later. After they collect blood samples, I head to the waiting room for my oncologist, who I have to check in with before I can receive treatment. We have to wait for my blood tests to come back to prove that my body is functioning well enough for me to poison it. That sounds kind of backwards, but basically I have to have baseline body functions that are good enough for me to withstand chemo. (Oh, at some point they also do my vitals--height, weight, blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen saturation--which they'll collect again several times.) I also consult with my oncologist and the study coordinator about any side effects or questions and have a physical exam of the palpable tumors.

Next, assuming my numbers look good, I can check in for chemo. Penn has private rooms, which is different from the infusion center in Princeton. Some of them have lovely views of the city and some are windowless prison cells. I've had one of each. It's just luck of the draw. But I can certainly confirm that having natural light makes a big difference. By this time I've been at the hospital for 2-3 hours. The next phase is the most frustrating, which is waiting for the experimental pharmacy to release the immunological agent, which I have to receive first. The first time it took about 90 minutes, the second almost 3 hours. Once they get that, they can finally start the infusions. I get the immunological agent, followed by pre-meds for chemo (a long-acting anti-nausea drug, a short-acting one, many others to make the process less awful by controlling my reaction), followed by chemo itself. Together, all the infusions take about 3 hours.

My total time at the hospital is something between 6 and 7 hours. The driving, total, is about 3 hours. So, all in all, it's a 9-10 hour day. I often manage to use this as a time to enjoy the company of the friend who goes with me, since how often do you get to spend that much concerted time together? Often one or both of us is working, though increasingly I get spacey enough that I prefer to read, listen to a podcast, or just nap. Once I get home, I usually nap and, hopefully, see another friend who brings by dinner. These little acts of company make the biggest difference to me. I feel somewhat bad, since my exhaustion means I'm not often up for long visits, but just having another person around is tremendously reassuring. Dropping by, or being there while I nap or read, does a lot to break me out of the isolation that I can feel by being trapped so much in the physical symptoms of my treatment experience.

Illness is very isolating and makes you very vulnerable. No one else can endure the treatment for you and, in a way, the pain and discomfort is fundamentally incommunicable. Yet the emotional experience doesn't have to be similarly incommunicable and company (or well wishes) is a major antidote to that risk. So, as I wrap up this post-chemo weekend, I'd like to say thanks for reading and sharing it with me.

Love, Bex

[chamomilekinhelp]

self indulgent aesthetic for my himiko canon!! ive really really been missing my girlfriends lately,,, so im gonna include a canon call in this post too in attempt to find them!! so if youre a tenko and/or angie who remembered dating their himiko and tenko/angie please read the call under the cut!! thank you,, (ps feel free to like/interact with this post if not replying to the canon call!! ^u^)

~mod chihiro

appearances: generally canon, though id often wear oversized red sweaters and black leggings/tights instead of the canon outfit!! angie had a tattoo of a third eye on her forehead, it didnt have a pupil but it did have three eyelashes on top and two on the bottom. tenko wore a pair of sweatpants instead of the canon skirt

-we may have been dating pregame im not sure but i know we started dating in game within the time before the first murder

-i had severe chronic fatigue syndrome and often couldnt move or get out of bed or anything like that. i would often just have to lay down and rest. when this would happen during the day tenko would usually carry me!! gonta would help sometimes too

-there was a garden on campus(i believe next to the dorms? not positive on that) that the three of us often tended to, its how we spent most of our free time!! id often be too lazy to actually help much and would often fall asleep instead! (one time face down in the dirt)

-i remember at one point someone(pretty sure it was kokichi) was like "how are you dating 2 people" and i responded with "well ive got two hands" and thats my clearest himiko mem

-i believe most murders carried out pretty much as in canon though there were only 2 survivors instead of 3, me and shuichi

-the game ended up being a simulation and when we woke up everyone who died in game were alive so i got to see my girlfriends again and i remember sobbing and hugging onto both of them really tightly,,

-all memories post game are quite blurry, though i know i moved in with the two of them!! and i believe we either owned a flower shop together or all worked at one, im not sure which

if you remember any of this please contact me!! im a coward and cannot start conversations for the life of me,,,, either message me on this account or i guess maybe reply to this post and i can dm you!! thank you,,

[dxmedstudent]

Hi dx, I'm starting med school this fall and moving to Ireland to do so! Ive got chronic fatigue though and Im worried about being able to manage the workload. Im on meds so I'm doing pretty well, working 10 hour days rn with a 2 hour commute, but im pretty drained at the end of it. Have you or any of your followers got any suggestions for handling med school when youre just so tired all the time?

And another ask:Hi, following on from the anon asking about studying, do you have any specific tips for studying medicine with chronic fatigue? I find sitting in lectures (and the journey to and from) drains me even more than I am usually. Thanks and have a great day!            Hey, peeps! So I have someone important in my life who has gone through a chronic fatigue condition in med school. I’ve seen a lot through what they went through, but I wanted to be able to give a more useful answer. I took a little time to think, and to ask them what advice they would give.  They gave me permission to share an edited version with you.

It is possible to get through medical school with chronic health problems. Don’t let other people tell you otherwise. You may encounter people who doubt you, but never let them get to you. Remember that many people with chronic illness have achieved great things and it doesn’t have to be a barrier to  success. 

There is usually a way to get through whatever obstacle comes up. The key is to take everything literally one day at a time, and do not get overwhelmed by thinking about all the demands for the year at once. Focus on what needs to be done right now. Next week is another     week. 

Let  yourself have setbacks, and don’t give up when you have worse periods of health. There will be times when you’re more tired and stressed, but you have to give yourself space to recover back from that. Remember that everyone, whatever their health status, has bad times, and that usually they will pass. If things aren’t getting better, talk to your family, friends, personal tutor at university.  Seek help with clincians.

Keep in touch with your fatigue clinicians and be open about new obstacles and your fears about things. They can help with a lot of problem-solving aspects and support you during times of difficulty. They are also useful to rant to when you are stressed out as they know a lot about the problems of people with CFS who they’ve seen in clinical practice. 

Consider reading books on CBT and acceptance commitment therapy (ACT) - these have really helped me through psychologically difficult situations and build resilience when medical school has thrown difficult things at me. In the hardest year of medical school it really helped to have written advice to look at when various situations came up. 

Tell the university (occupational health, senior tutor, personal tutor etc.) - I cannot stress this enough. It is confidential, and they have to   accommodate you because it is a disability. This can become really important if you have issues completing sign-offs/assignments on time, getting hospital placements closer to home, getting extra time in exams etc. It can also be useful if you have problems with exams (not being well enough to do a sitting) for the university to know what is going on and how best they can help you. If they do not know what is going on, then they cannot help you. This is one of the best things I did at medical school in terms of having a safety net for when things were more difficult. 

Do not feel you have to attend 100% of everything. If you are feeling very   fatigued and not gaining much by that point in the day, it is usually     better to go home and do some quality studying at home. So many students who have no health problems will go home early, so do not feel guilty for doing so when you feel fatigued and like you’re not having a good day. Just remember to catch up what you’ve missed. 

Talk to the students in the year above about what the demands of the coming year are like, what the exams are like, what textbooks/resources to use,  and other *off the record* tips which the university would never tell you. This will help you out in planning how to approach the work for that year. It is very important to know what you’re preparing for and the best way in which to do it. 

On placement, talk to the teaching fellow/head of the placement if you have any issues completing tasks or sign-offs etc. They can help you and give you advice about how to get things done. This has been of great comfort to me during placements where sign-offs have been very tricky and I’ve worried about whether or not I will complete everything. Also ask how previous students did it - you’re not the first cohort who’s gone through the system. 

Let yourself adjust the intensity of your concentration when attending     lectures/seminars. Some days you’ll be able to be at your highest level of     functioning, and other days you may feel less functional.  Your levels might look something like:

Highest  level: concentrate/listen, participate/answer questions, write down notes.

Medium: concentrate/listen, no writing or participating.

Low: zoning out some of the time (5 mins etc), prioritising more important slides or mentally checking in again when possible. 

Use breaks during lecture days to really give yourself a breather. It is best to physically leave the space where the lecture took place, ideally go to a canteen and have a snack (food and drink are very important for boosts), or go outside (fresh air is important). Let your brain truly wonder and do  something not related to university or teaching. Don’t hang around with peers unless they talk about things which are less brain intensive or   non-university topics. 

Take on a reasonable workload during group assignments, and don’t let other students foist extra work or their work on you. Be strict about your role and that you will not do their work for them. 

E-books (textbooks) - either download pdfs and upload on google drive etc. or buy on kindle etc. This is VERY useful for reading and studying whilst out and  about for medical school, and fitting in revision during parts of the day which are empty/less busy. There are often quite a few times where you will be waiting around between teaching/clinics/hospital activities and if you use your time wisely you can really get a lot done. You can also read on public transport when commuting which is a good use of that time too.This becomes especially important close to exams where time management is key. This is one of the best things I did. 

Pacing - plan for deadlines in advance. If you have sign offs/essays/histories to do, space them out and plan everything in advance. Make a plan and stick to it, but be flexible enough to change things around if you don’t feel up to doing a particular task on that day. Make sure it is realistic personal timetable, and has time for you to attend university, study and complete assignments/sign-offs, as well as relaxation/social time.

 If you feel you are doing too much, cut back and do the bare minimum of what you need to do. Whilst it is nice to aim high and everyone at medical school is crazy competitive, the aim is to pass and go into the next year, and complete the degree. Scraping passes = still a doctor. Many people forget this, but the priority is to get by and become a competent doctor. You are doing what you can do, and you don’t need to get a Distinction in all your exams to be a good doctor. 

Do  not feel guilty for not being able to work as hard necessarily as other   students can all the time. Be proud of yourself for being there and for     doing something so difficult as medical school in the first place. Medical     school is very hard even for people who do not have any problems with     their health. There is really nothing wrong with coasting along and doing    just what needs to be done. It can be frustrating to not be able to do     more, but tell yourself that you’ve done your 100% which is all you can     give at this current time. Sometimes you’ll be able to do more, and     sometimes you’ll be able to do less. But don’t feel guilty about it. Know     that you are doing your best and that’s all that you can do. 

Similarly, everyone feels they are not doing enough/like they don’t know enough. Doctors on placements will also occasionally have a go at you, not  realising that actually for your level you do know enough. You may feel you like you’re not enough, but the truth is that everyone feels like     that. Many people at med school act like everything’s fine but underneath  the surface, we’re all working very hard and tired. 

You     are not alone - many people at med school have either physical or mental     health problems. They are all also battling through the challenges and you     are not alone in your difficulties. Remind yourself of that and know that     everyone is on their own journey/battle. 

Believe in the work-life balance Pie chart - Everyone should ideally have equal time in their day dedicated to 1/3  cognitive, 1/3 self care and 1/3 social activity. In med school, the latter two may fall back a bit even for students with no health problems, but it is very important for these things to be done consistently during med school. “If you can’t look after yourself, you won’t be able to look after other people”. The only way you can achieve your goals and look after patients etc is by looking after yourself (with the pie chart) and keeping yourself in the best health possible. 

Cognitive:studying, reading, academic extracurriculars, any activity where the mind is actively involved. 

Self care: pampering yourself, hobbies, leisure activities, exercise/yoga,     playing with pets, praying/worship etc. 

Social: going out with family or friends. Relationships. Support groups.     Societies/clubs etc. 

Join  support groups either in real life or on Facebook - it is really useful to have somewhere to rant about issues which specifically affect people with  CFS/ME, and to have their support when you have a hard day. Family and friends will not always understand everything you’re going through, even with the best of intentions, so it’s important to have peers with CFS/ME on those occasions. 

Don’t be afraid to turn down going out or doing extra things in the day if     you’re really not up to it. Better to keep yourself at a functioning level     than overdoing it because you feel you *should* be doing something. It’s    best to be honest with yourself about what you can do today. 

Learn to say no - if other people ask you to do things and you are feeling   overwhelmed at the time from work/personal life, do not feel bad about     saying no if you have reached your limit of how much you can cope. Do not  feel guilty about this, and realise that it is crucial to not take on too     much at once, in looking after your health for your ability to get through     medical school. People can and will ask you to do things either not     realising that it’s over your coping limits or not caring. You have to learn to put yourself first and forward and know your limits - it is not worth the payback which can inevitably happen when we overdo our limits.     Medical school does not give you a lot of time to rest or recover, so you     really have to make sure you keep yourself functional and within your     limits. 

Work  steadily during the year - if you have fatigue then you cannot leave   things last minute and cope with the physical and mental stress of this.     Make sure you are making notes and keeping up during the year, and     increase your revision before exams to a comfortable level. Be careful not  to overdo it in terms of number it hours a day, as most likely you will     lose your concentration and not absorb the information anyway. Best to do revision in chunks, with breaks and other things to break up the day. If the next day you get payback, it’s a sign to dial back the number of hours of revision. Even if you’re doing less hours of revision than you planned, if you’re better focused and rested you will pick up more information.     “Quality not quantity”. 

I hope this helps! Good luck with your studies, and I hope that things go well for you in the coming year.