#actually i really like talking about andrew and apathy because i think it's such a big part of him at times and then at others its literall

[dayurno]

favorite thing about the big jean ships (in my heart at least idk about the fandom at large) is that Every single one of his partners except renee loves Exy. and we all know that he’s no longer very fond of the sport. kerejean. now kevjeadora. the solos of those. jeanneil. and even renee really enjoys the sport, just isn’t as crazy about it. he cannot escape

HE CANNOT ESCAPE i dont think jean hates exy i think he might see it more as a trading coin than a passion in itself but at least from where i stand i don't think jean is the kind of person who would blame the sport and not the things that led up to his situation. that being said i love to think about that.................... andrew says he is entirely neutral towards exy the entire trilogy but we know just from being in his vicinity that it's not true; that if andrew truly did not care he would not spend so much time either playing it or trying to convince kevin and neil that he doesn't like it, and that while it's not a passion, it's definitely not something andrew is entirely neutral to

that being said. i think jean might actually be the person who is ambivalent towards exy! this is just an early thought but i believe that jean sees it more as a stepping stool or a safety measure; he acknowledges exy as something useful and does not otherwise think much of it, which is, i think, very different from andrew's hating bit. i don't know really! it's interesting to me........... either way he's going to be exposed to it as long as he lives so i hope he's ready to make some concessions babyyyyyy

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 03

PREVIOUS

In the Fluent Freshman AU I could see a moment where Andrew kind of misses having Renee around. She was a nice quiet support for him during her time at Palmetto and now she’s graduated. Bee suggests that Andrew try and make a new friend, he can try with someone on the team even.

Andrew, initially, thinks it’s a stupid idea. He real hates pretty much every sophomore (Jack’s group) and pretty much all of the new freshmen irritate him since they’re always trying to steal Neil’s attention with all their fucking problems. The only freshman that he has no opinion on (and therefore is miles and miles ahead of everyone else) is the quiet one that he glowered at pretty early on for staring at Neil’s scars.

Except now, with the knowledge that the kid is a foreign language major, he was probably just trying to figure out what language him and Neil were talking in since the kid isn’t phased at all when Neil absentmindedly used his shirt to wipe away sweat on his face. Everyone else had LOOKED but the kid had just continued on as if it were nothing.

Nicky likes him a fair bit and has assured both Andrew and Neil, after the fourth time the kid power walked away from them, that he’s not homophobic just due to circumstances public displays of affection make him deeply uncomfortable. The Foxes have pasts and if the kid isn’t going to make it their problem then Andrew isn’t about to get irritated over it.

(Nicky doesn’t elaborate that those circumstances being that he understands that Andrew is telling Neil all the places (geographical locations) that he wants to kiss Neil and where he’d do it. He’s really not a prude but how did watching Cars 2 result in this level of dirty talk?! He’s just trying to actually get to see these movies everyone keeps referencing so that he can join in on the conversation)

The kid’s quiet company the few times Andrew’s been in it and Neil has been making some slow progress on getting the kid to open up. Andrew knows that the kid has his own weekly meetings with Betsy and he’s not about to pry.

(It’s social anxiety and stress related. No he has not told Betsy about the whole Russian situation because she’d be mad at him right? Everyone keeps telling him that Betsy and Andrew Minyard are close and that Andrew is her favorite even if she can’t admit to having something like that. She’s nice but what if she gets mad about it and tells Wymack that he’s not fit mentally to be on the team? Then what? He can’t afford college without a sports scholarship. Oh god- Betsy spends a lot of time walking him through stress relief and not worst case scenario-ing every interaction)

Andrew figures that if nothing else this kid is fine with sitting in stony silence. If it doesn’t work then w/e he tried.

So, to Fluent Freshman’s absolute horror and dismay, Andrew Minyard starts to hang around him even when Captain Neil ISN’T AROUND. He becomes unbeatable at Poker and fluent in Japanese if not fully literate.

Once it’s just Andrew and Fluent Freshman sitting in absolute silence for an hour. This might be the nicest time Andrew’s had with someone not part of his family since Renee left. “You ever consider learning Russian?” Andrew asks.

Fluent Freshman’s award winning performance starts here.

“No, I have never considered taking Russian classes here.” He responds turning a page in his book on Esperanto (he thinks it’d be fun) because why take a class for a language he’s already fluent in. He’s bad at lying but he’s GREAT at just not saying the truth.

Andrew doesn’t say anything in response and they continue to sit in silence until Fluent Freshman has to get up and go quietly have a panic attack.

Everyone, except Nicky, all think that Fluent Freshman’s the second coming of Andrew’s general apathy. Bee is proud of Andrew for willingly sitting next to someone in almost complete silence. Andrew says it helps that there’s someone else like him (Bee is confused because Fluent Freshman is known to bring his own brown paper bag to hyper-ventilate into but she says nothing.)

Only Nicky knows the full extent. Fluent Freshman is doing breathing exercises, taking pepto bismol to help his stress related stomach ulcer, and considering using his art gen-ed for theater so that he can commit to this bit better.

Fluent Freshman kind of gets used to Andrew’s quiet company until one day they’re an hour and a half into their usual absolute silence when Fluent Freshman gets up to grab something Andrew looks at him and goes “Hey wanna learn how to use a knife?” And Fluent Freshman stiffens up and straight up faints.

NEXT

[mostlymaudlin]

what's the worst take you've seen on your favorite characters?

HAHAHAHA this is a funny question 😂 i dont really like to yuck other peoples yum, and that goes for pretty much everything in fandom! so i don't wanna like, call out bad takes, but rather just be vocal abt my own takes?

so, on that note...

i have a lot of thoughts about andrew's mood/connection to his own emotions. one really unhealthy way of dealing with a lack of control over your mood/emotions/general situation is compartmentalization and repression -- for me, that always looked like rationalizing my feelings away until they hurt, but i'd convinced myself that it's stupid that it hurts & so i will not acknowledge the pain/do anything to address it -- im just gonna push on through like nothings wrong.

and like... this works! for a while! sort of! it's dysfunctional as hell and probably damaging to many aspects of your life, but you can survive with this detachment as long as you can maintain your web of lies.

with andrew, you can see that he maintains a very rigid view of the world: he does not CARE about anything, he does not WANT anything, he will make deals and he will do exactly what it takes to uphold his end, and he will expect that of others. in the books, esp in TKM, we see that as long as he can operate under these assumptions, he can maintain that famous apathy. but whenever this worldview is challenged, he flips out (example: that scene where aaron accuses andrew of killing tilda for his own benefit, and he gets PISSED and says he did exactly what he said he'd do and "fuck you" if you thought otherwise.) he also tends to lose his apathetic facade around neil, because neil inherently challenges his perception of his own caring/wanting, and it's especially bad when neil does or says stuff that like rly makes andrew's heart squeeze hehe.

i believe andrew is really good at repression. but the thing about repression is that it takes constant, difficult work to filter all sensory input through your internal logic, so your mind is constantly racing as you rationalize everything down into a place where you don't have to acknowledge how you feel it. so if we're talking about how andrew thinks, i'd say that he's incredibly self-aware and a big thinker, because he's doing a lot of internal work to maintain apathy.

and also, from personal experience, it's extremely difficult to cope when you can't lie to yourself anymore. if you believe that you're worthless and undeserving of feeling your pain, and someone comes along, makes you trust them, and then is willing to die to prove how wrong you are -- how are you supposed to rationalize that away? and how are you supposed to shoulder all of those emotions when you don't know how to process them? that's so scary, and so hard, and something that takes a lot of time and support.

all of this is to say: i view andrew as a character that is clinging desperately to a thin mask of apathy, and i don't think he can hold on for much longer. i think he feels soooo many things and is constantly at war with himself over it, because he does not have any tools to cope. so FOR ME, i have trouble reconciling this with interpretations of andrew that show him as someone actually feeling apathetic. but, like, to each their own!!

[dykepulpfriction]

Thoughts on aftg/star trek?

oh god. so many!

vulcan andrew. he fits the mold pretty well, except for the violence. I could see him similar to spock in that case, a half vulcan, which would add to the way hes kind of seen as an unpredictable character by the upperclassmen -- working with the idea that people who are both terran and vulcan dont fit perfectly into easy behavior stereotypes. im thinking a lot about the pocket book "mindshadow" where spock's "inconsistencies" get expored. in an aftg to tos recast, id put him as spock.

that brings me to neil, who i think in said recast is a really solid kirk. There's this one tumblr post by @/na-nanu talking about kirk's alienation, and one line that has stuck with me ever since i read it: "Kirk, while personable, is a fairly Vulcan human." this strikes me as so so neil. until they really get to know him better, the upperclassmen tend to read neil in opposition to andrew. neil, to those outside, is the more personable of the two, the one who feels. as we all know, neil and andrew are incredibly similar -- which is why i referenced that quote just now. like kirk, neil takes andrew as he is, and never asks for more than he can give.

more kirk qualities: neil is ride or die (literally) for his team, self-sacrificing and quick-witted. he's not afraid to lie or trick his way into getting what he wants. lets be honest, both of these men love a good ruse.

going back to andrew for a moment, the way andrew is talked about as unfeeling and monstrous rings a very similar bell to the way terrans talk about vulcans and their lack of emotional display. kirk can read spock better than anyone, sound familiar?

this gets its own bullet point because i dont know where to put it. not all of my thoughts on aftg/st are so matchy-matchy (like, trying to make things line up), but i think the episode "The Enemy Within" and Neil-Nathaniel-Only-One-Of-Them-Can-Survive-Both-Of-Them-Want-To-Live have got some interesting similarities. Nathaniel dying in that basement too, and such.

I feel like people might want to cast Kevin as McCoy, because of McSpirk, and how they're the main trio. but because of Spock and Bones' frequent disagreements, similarities, and general vibes i really see him as Aaron, who's more explosive then Kevin when it comes to Andrews apathy. Bones and his wife and kid back home are also kind of Katelyn-esque.

renee and uhura... i think that this parallel works if spock/andrew, vulcan andrew what have you, is at the core of this thing. theres a lot of similarities for everyone, but god. he's the reason i'm even thinking about tos and aftg together. the "unlikely" friendship, everyone thinking they have a thing, bonding over a shared activity (but its music instead of beating the shit out of each other)

i can really imagine andrew getting into star trek. its a really good "what if?" show that i think he'd enjoy, given his feelings on the zombie apocalypse. renee could definitely get into the morality aspect as well. i can see them talking about the questions in the epsodes, like "so what would you do if your evil clone tried to take over the ship?" and the like. Andrew seeing himself in Spock, seeing someone who also can only deal with his emotions on the lowest volume, and him being loved nonetheless. Maybe seeing a little bit of his not-boyfriend-nothing Neil in Kirk.

another thing about spock/andrew. they are both surprisingly open! I'd have to go back and look to find the exact post, but someone made a great post about how kirk is actually not that forthcoming about his past/life, while spock, if you literally just ask him, will tell you a lot! this i think is hilariously similar to neil being seen as the more open one, when he is actually so cagey and full of false pasts, while andrew will answer most questions. people just never seem to ask (until neil, ofc).

There's definitely more where this came from, so ill add on to this later, but im battling a bit of a headache right now and need to end it here. Thank you so so much for the ask, im excited to hear what you think!!!!!!!!

[cabeswaterdrowned]

ok so 100% i will show up here!!

but YEAH you bring up a really really good point in your tags about andrew on medication vs off of it, and how the fandom tends to pick certain traits to carry over from one to the other and i think that's definitely something to be looked at more!

obviously there IS a shift in andrew's behavior in TKM when he's off his meds, but he as a person is the same still, and his traits haven't changed so much as shifted? i feel? like you said, he's more quiet off his meds because he has less energy, but his sense of humor is the same, and so and on and so forth

i haven't gotten the chance yet to go through the other two books yet in the same way i went through the first one, but Andrew's relationship with touch is DEFINITELY something i will paying close attention to when i do!

also i actually really like how you said Andrew was tactile: i think that is a very good way to describe him! immediately i thought of the scenes when the Monsters go shopping- both when they are buying Neil new clothes in TFC and when they are halloween costume shopping in TRK. I think both scenes have Andrew wondering around and touching everything. the one in TFC at least has him touching and pulling clothes off of hangers. and like,,, as a relatively tactile person myself i think it 100% fits him, because i also have a habit of touching things a lot when i am bored or under-stimulated!

so i think that in the context of how often he touches Neil is something that could absolutely use more thought and recognition!

(sorry if this is kind of ramble-y, i am simply brain dumping as i go--)

Yeah I think “shifted” is a fair way to look at it because essentially the differences the medications seems to bring to Andrew are that he again has way more energy which results in him being more talkative and that element people see as making him … somewhat more “productive” and it generally brings up or tones down how he naturally is to be more palatable to others (the smiling and stuff) and it’s sort of characterized as being like an intoxication so his inhibitions might be lowered which all seems really terrifying for someone with his background, which is the point that it’s not really to help him but everyone around him :/. but that does not mean they’re different people or everything about his behavior for 2/3 of the series should be disregarded completely. And I think sober Andrew has more personality in general than is sometimes portrayed in fic like obviously he conveys it in a more muted way because of apathy/depression but it’s very much there.

I think I once saw Andrew’s tactileness in those brought up specifically in the context of someone framing a headcanon about him being autistic which is a reading I find interesting but I don’t have expertise to really speak on that and also don’t remember that post enough to anyway. I do wonder if him specifically touching Neil off and on throughout those books has something to do with him not being able to figure him out or not seeing how he could be real (the latter not literally) ? but idk it’s been a while since I last reread

[wonderlandleighleigh]

What's Midge and Lenny's general impression on Rory and Jess? During season 2? Season 3? Or in season 6 at the Open House? Actually now that I think about it would Jess have stayed with them after he came to see Rory in Balalankas? Cause I don't think he would have wanted Luke to know about that portion of the visit.

So in a tMMM/GG crossover universe where Jess graduates High School, Rory and Jess's relationship winds up being a lot more functional, because he's not spiraling the way he does canonically.

Jess making better choices, with more adult support in his life (Luke, Midge and Lenny working together to encourage more self preservation and less self destruction), means that he does talk to Rory more. They get to go to prom together in season 3, for instance, and that messy scene in Keg! Max! doesn't happen.

Also she doesn't sleep with Married!Dean because I fucking said so.

Midge thinks they're cuuuuuute.

Lenny thinks Jess's apathy is dumb, and tells him so on a regular basis.

I think Jess and Rory try to stay together in her first semester at Yale, but it falls apart quickly after he moves to NYC. He stays on a similar trajectory where he bops from NYC to Philly.

During season 6, when he's self distributing his book in Balalaikas, he does make a stop in Stars Hollow, crashing with Midge and Lenny, primarily because Luke and Lorelai are living together by that point, it isn't for another few years that Jess and Lorelai will actually start making an effort to get along.

And Lenny hits the fucking roof when he finds out about the book. He buys three copies (one for writing notes in, one to show people and a loner copy), and then he bullies Andrew into carrying it at the Black, White and Read.

Midge is also insanely impressed, and writes a review for it on social media under her stage name so it starts getting national attention, which means Jess has to go back to press on it, which he is both grateful for and annoyed by.

"It's a small press, Midge! We can't afford to send 500 extra copies to LA! I only printed 500 to begin with!"

"Sshhhhhhhhhh I'll pay for the shipping."

The opening is a lot of fun for Midge and Lenny. it feels like the old days for them. Sadly, they can't really keep incognito in Philly, and people recognize them pretty readily.

But they know that Rory is not in the best place in her life when she goes to see Jess at the opening. That the Logan situation is ridiculous. That she just recently started back up at Yale. That still happens the same way, too.

[darlingbudsofrae]

Andrew Minyard Appreciation Post

Foxes Appreciation Series : || 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6  || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 ||

I believe that even with all the overwhelming Andrew Minyard content, we can never give the love this precious soul deserves.

Andrew Joseph Minyard deserves all the love in this universe.

He is very loyal.

Like, because he was often left behind most of the times in his past, it’s kind of ironic how Andrew understands the concept of family.

How willing he is to fight for his family, keep his family- even if it doesn’t show in the most obvious ways.

Friendly reminder that Andrew Minyard strike deals with people because he thinks it’s the only way to make people stay.

Friendly reminder that he is willing to go through hell and back for his family to the point of even hurting himself.

Because he could give less shit if he gets hurt. This MF is willing to go all in in protecting “his” people even if it kills him because he just don’t see anything worth living his life all the while secretly doing the best he could because he wants his family to succeed and that’s just-

Isn’t it ironic that everything Andrew Minyard are for are also the same things that ended up hurting him?

Like this kid honors promises to a fault and ensures hope when necessary (eg Kevin and Neil) when his life consisted nothing of false hopes and broken promises.

Did you know that the second character in the book to say the word fine the most is Andrew? While Neil says fine as a defense mechanism, Andrew mostly says the word to assure others that they’re going to be okay when they’re overthinking.

He also really values consent and that first kiss with Neil, when he pushed him and said he wasn’t in the head space to give it? That scene is underrated af.

Also, for someone who got lied to all his life, Andrew is so honest. He tells the truth in all its ugly glory because better terrible truths than kind lies.

Honesty suited Andrew because he was an instigator at heart and his opinions were often unpopular.

Andrew Minyard is not a good person- doesn’t try to convince someone he’s a good person.

He threatens people, he can kill without a second thought. I think this is why most people view him as “psychotic” but if you do read the times Andrew act out on violence, they’re mostly because they’re provoked by inappropriate behavior slash words.

Like with Nicky, and the things he says about Neil and Kevin. I really like that Andrew acts on that because as violent as it is and as much as I love Nicky, he tends to oversexualize someone and say unnecessary and inappropriate things.

I love how Andrew doesn’t act like he likes people. Doesn’t feel inclined to make someone comfortable. 

And honestly, who can blame him when most of the foxes see him as a monster? Like I love the foxes but they’re judgmental assholes.

I really hate this about the books, like I can defend why the upperclassmen and even his own family sees him as such but it just gets to me.

Because for me, out of all the people there is in the world, the foxes should’ve been the first people to understand that Andrew was human with real feelings- that he didn’t have to act on a certain way.

I will never get over about how until the end of the book, the rest of the foxes still sees him that way.

As someone who went thru a lot of shit, Andrew was such a comfort character. Personally, I feel like his character arc was one of the best ones I’ve read.

He’s coping, still coping- and that’s okay.

Y’know what I love about Andrew most? He actively goes to therapy. In a way, despite seemingly giving up on everything, kid is willing to fix himself.

And maybe the results are slow or next to none but so what? He doesn’t have to recover immediately and honestly, reading AFTG back in a time when I was pressuring myself to heal fast because I was too frustrated with everything- reading Andrew was like getting washed by a cold bucket of water.

Recovery takes time. Healing is a process. And it could even take years and no matter how long it takes, it’s okay ✨

Also, another thing I like about Andrew’s character was that Nora made a point about not forgiving abusers. Most books tend to send that message (which is disgusting) but with Andrew’s character, it’s clear that you don’t have to attach yourself to your abusers.

Forgiving abusers is not a necessary part of the healing process. 

 This is getting dark so to lighten things up a bit, Andrew has a sweet tooth. He loves ice cream.

Also, he majored in criminal justice and I know Nora said he did that just to be a troll but I like to believe that deep inside, he wants to help those who are in a situation like him and actually make the world a better place.

Andrew knows what to do when someone’s breaking down. Like, with every character, his apathy aside, he always knows how to act.

Also, he’s one of those annoying even-if-I-don’t-make-an-effort-I’m-talented-af-and-can-still-perform-well-so-sue-me assholes and normally I hate those type of characters but Andrew was an exemption. 

Like, we do not talk enough about the fact that he asked Wymack to choose between numbers 1 - 5 and only let that number of goals in of the opposing team that night before shutting down the goal completely.

Or that he only let 13 of the ravens’ shots - the nation’s best team - in and that is oh my gods where do I even begin with Andrew Joseph Minyard being a superior goalie I cannot-

Also the fact that Andrew completely shut down the goal when Neil freaking asked him to- who is this man? 

What a simp. What power. 

I hope in the AFTG universe, someone out there is doing the god’s work and compiling his saves. Like, I don’t normally watch sports stuff cuz I hate sports but I would pay good money to see that yes sir I will.

We could talk about Andrew’s saves more but that just deserves its own post cuz it’s chef kisses

We do not talk enough about Andrew’s eidetic memory. Seriously, we don’t.

Also, you can say all you want that he’s an emo kid but kid has good fashion sense.

Andrew seriously has the best lines in the series. Did some of them made me choke and wheeze and cringe? Yes. But did most of them make me cry like a bitch and hit my heart right where it hurts? Also yes.

“Congratulations are in order, I suppose! Since I have none to give, I will tell the others to respond appropriately.”

Also, some of them were lowkey Shakespearean and I refuse to believe that Andrew doesn’t read Shakespeare-

Seriously, he’s so extra but he’s also so traumatized and such a gay disaster I can’t-

He’s five foot short.

[i-did]

Considering your headcannon about Andrew kinda being a victim blamer to a certain degree, do u think it ever causes conflict with neil? (Or others) I think it's an interesting hc and it feels surprisingly fitting but I can't decide whether I think Andrew would voice these opinions or not... He is very straightforward and blunt but idk if he would just recognise that its likely to cause an argument and 'it wont change the past anyway so what's the point?' kinda thing.

(Just wanna clarify that I like Andrew btw lol, I just also think he has flaws and this is one of them, so Andrew stans don't attack me)

Short answer: yes, he brings it up sometimes. 

Long answer where I show examples:

I don’t think he ever blames victims more than perpetrators for anyone except himself. I also don’t think Andrew thinks of it as “blame” but more like actions that were taken and actions that weren’t. If Andrew was too drunk to fight back in a shitty bar he would think “I will not allow myself to ever be drunk enough where I can't fight some asshole back, not ever again” and moves on. Andrew hardly even ever allows himself to relax his shoulders even, and when he wakes up, he wakes up swinging. His mind is very ‘fight’ centric, it’s how he was socialized and raised. I think it changes depending on circumstances as well.

(I will continue to use the word blame for clarity’s sake however) 

Sober Andrew is a lot less talkative than manic Andrew, and manic Andrew definitely said insensitive and unwelcome opinions just to see reactions. Manic Andrew also lets his opinion be known to see if anyone is listening or cares as well, and sober Andrew does so as well, but in a more mousetrap way, waiting to see how the other person will react for a reason and to be read, rather than manic Andrews ‘just because I need some entertainment’ reasons.

Overall I think Andrew wouldn’t really voice these opinions and people definitely don't care to hear them, but they can sense Andrews overall apathy and don't appreciate that either. 

I think Andrew would bring up his opinion scarcely, but it would come out sometimes, and it’s definitely not appreciated. Andrew thinks “if only I was stronger” about himself, and that's what he plans to do, get stronger. So thanksgiving hit him hard because not only was he re-traumatized in more ways than one, he has lost his belief that he is stronger than before and that's all he needs. He got buff, joined exy, carried knives and made sure no one wanted to be closer than a few feet to him, and when they touched him he made sure they learned he did not like to be touched– at all. I believe he still holds onto his “if only I was stronger” mentality still even after Thanksgiving, he re-establishes the foxes fear of him by punching and though violence, its what he knows. Andrew’s least favorite reaction is pity (and so is Neil’s).

Andrew isn’t the type to roll his eyes at anyone but maybe Neil and a few others, he’s very selective with who he lets see his more visible expressions, but overall he doesn’t have the energy in him to emote when he disagrees or what he thinks. He knows it won’t change the past, so he usually doesn’t bring his thoughts into it, but sometimes when he’s annoyed or angry or in an argument he will, and it definitely changes the argument from an argument to more of a fight. 

I think it comes up most often with Neil since Andrew is comfortable enough to share his opinion with him and let it be known, and it’s not always appreciated. Kevin has definitely heard some of this even in canon from Andrew too. Andrew sees things very black and white, so when Kevin says “I can’t” because he's scared, Andrew says “you can, and you will”. Andrew looks at Aaron and sees an almost weaker version of himself who never learned how to hit his mom back. Andrew doesn’t understand those who don't hit back, not after Cass. He believes if someone isn’t hitting back, there should be a reason, and not a sentimental one, otherwise its weakness. And he sees this because its what he thinks of himself, and how he was willing what he was going through for Cass. He thinks his past self should have known better and been stronger, but it's too late now so whatever who cares– or that's what he tells himself. Andrew doesn’t blame Neil’s mom for hitting him necessarily, but he does think “and you didn’t stop her.” and the silent “and you didn’t stop loving her” is there too, and its something that him and Neil do fight on. Andrew also frames things in the “Neil will get himself killed,” way that most people jokingly say, but Andrew means more “undeniably Neil provoked someone, and it’s partially his fault.” 

I think Andrew doesn't think it's Nicky’s ‘fault’ for getting hate-crimed behind Edens, but he does think Nicky was not paying attention and didn’t read the room like usual, and possibly could have avoided it, but what's done is done, and it never comes up. And Andrew is overall anti-family and how they can have power over you, so he definitely blames Nicky for letting his feelings get hurt and heart get crushed by the same parents who sent him to conversion therapy. He thinks “you should know better/what did you expect” and voices this in book 2 to Neil about the Thanksgiving dinner invitation. 

With Aaron, I can see it coming up. When him and Aaron fight, it usually turns into Andrew shutting down and shutting him out and Aaron growing angrier now that he’s seen Andrew shut down, and he can't break through with his anger, and will then push hard before retreating himself and then pushing away back. And yes, the fight is about his mother, in a very similar way to Neil. (Neil hates this, because he sees it as different, his mothers circumstances different, but Andrew does not.)

I think if Allison were to be crying about being mugged and see Andrew’s blank face over Renee’s comforting shoulder, she would just spit out a “fuck you,” and he would shrug, knowing he has no comfort to offer her. Being mugged to most people can be very traumatizing and scary, Andrew grew up in foster home after foster home in Oakland, if he were to mug someone he would look for an Allison, someone who dresses well and likely has a lot of cash on them, multiple credit cards, you could get pretty far before they're all canceled. Andrew learned as a kid how to dress and look, so people don't mug you and if they try they don’t get anything, it's a pretty common city skill. Andrew also blames Allison for hitting Aaron as the reason why he choked her against the asphalt. “She knew what would happen.” He doesn’t think he didn’t not do those actions, but he thinks: cause → reaction.

Andrew thinks, ‘yes I took Matt to Edens, but he was the one who said yes to the drugs, his sobriety was just as weak as I proved it to be.’ Interestingly, Matt actually agrees with Andrew, thinking his methods were harsh but effective.

Besides Matt, Renee is the only one who doesn’t fight him on his opinions, I’m sure she sometimes agrees (or part of her does) and other times she politely disagrees and doesn’t let it rile her. He talks to her more though, and gets to hear his opinions about said things much more often than the other foxes, especially with how he likes to debate her and bait her good christian persona with his own personality, especially because Renee is ‘just like him’ deep down.

He doesn't blame Seth for dying, that he knows is partially Neil’s responsibility but overall Riko who actually did the deed (or hired people to).

As for Dan, I can’t think of any examples rn, kinda a lame note to end on, but this is how it ends.

[codename-adler]

Kevin Day and his Oblivious Literature Lover, pt. VII

Happy Birthday, Kevin. I’m so glad you exist. We all are. Here, I give to you friendship, love and care. You’re gonna get through this, I promise. ♥️

>> Table of Contents, TW and other parts are here!

Jean leaves

after their game against the Trojans, Kevin says goodbye to Jeremy Knox, and to Jean

Kevin feels heavy, he feels torn, and sad and scared, because he’s alone once again

and he’s afraid he’ll never see Jean again, that whatever they managed to have hear in Palmetto was their unofficial “break up” and that Jean will never speak to him again

Jean had cried, he’d begged, he didn’t want to go, he didn’t want to be abandoned again, he didn’t want to be away from Kevin again

but Jeremy Knox had somehow worked his magic, and Jean had genuinely (well, as genuine as one can be after the Nest) accepted Jeremy’s offer, and even chose to move immediately to South California with him instead of waiting for the summer

Kevin hoped it wasn’t in an attempt to put as much distance between them and more because Jean was on his way to healing, even if it was away from him

they had hugged one last time, in Abby’s guest room, and poured everything they felt for each other in their embrace

they both knew things would be different from now on

they knew it would be hard, and painful

they knew the healing would be slow, that nasty things would resurface

but in that moment, they didn’t care

“Jean… Jean listen to me,” Kevin whispered in Jean’s ear. “Hell is over. You got through it. You got out. You’ll be safe, now, okay? I know- I know we have to process things… Take your time. Rely on Jeremy. Rely on your team. The Trojans are great. And I’m not just talking about Exy. Okay, Jean? You’ll be safe now. You’ll be far away from all this mess. And if there is anything, anything, Jean, you call me. I’ll be there. I don’t care why or how; I’ll be there for you, Jean.”

they held on tighter to each other, tears silently streaming down their faces

Kevin cradled the back of Jean’s head as Jean clutched Kevin’s shirt in his fist

they had to let go, they had to, and yet…

I care for you. I love you. I do. I’ll always love you.

words left unsaid, barely exchanged in a look, barely understood in their eyes

words that had never held any meaning to them, words they’d never heard, words they’d never said

they weren’t about to start saying them now, but their presence was strong

But this is goodbye, for now.

they let go

Jean leaves

Jean is gone

none of the Foxes know what’s happened, but they do feel the consequences

and it doesn’t help that their next and ultimate game is against the Ravens, at Edgar Allen, their last chance at winning Championships, at beating the odds and their nemesis

Kevin is a huge fucking asshole all week

he can’t seem to help it

he lashes out, he fights, he drinks…

he’s obsessed, he’s panicking, he’s a monster

the high of helping Jean has worn off, the high of their win against the Trojans has worn off

fear is all that’s left

Wymack has to forcefully bring him to Betsy at 6 AM when he finds Kevin at the court, having passed the whole night practicing, even after Neil and Andrew left around 3 AM

Kevin is shaking all over in his chair

Betsy doesn’t offer hot cocoa

Kevin doesn’t want to be here, never did, never will

Betsy has to thread carefully, has to approach him from the right angle

“How is Jean settling in at USC?” she calmly asks

“We’re not talking about Jean,” Kevin spits back immediately

“Okay. What are we talking about?”

“We’re not talking.”

“That’s alright. I’ll talk for a bit, then. As your designated therapist, your health is under my care as much as it is under Abby’s and David’s. What this means is, my word weights as much as theirs when it comes to who plays, and who doesn’t. Exy has been good for you, Kevin. Exy is good for a lot of you, actually. However, what my professional advice would be, in your case, is that you are to be forbidden from playing this last game against Edgar Allen.”

Kevin gasps

Before he can unleash the thousands of obscenities on the tip of his tongue, Betsy raises a calm hand to hold him off

“I won’t do that. I should, but I won’t. Ultimately, not playing would aggravate your mental state more than facing Edgar Allen and pushing yourself past your limits. You need this. You need closure. You need proof. In my opinion, it won’t solve your problems, it won’t solve your traumas, your alcoholism, your PTSD, your anxiety, your anger issues, and I’m being brief. But this is something you want to do, and I understand its importance. So I won’t be interfering.”

Kevin scoffs, uncooperative

“But hear this, Kevin: at the rate you’re going, you are not going to win this game. You’re not. You’re going to break, you’re going to lose, and then you won’t be getting back up. This? Right now? This is your point of no return.”

Kevin gapes at her

he can’t believe the words that just came out of Betsy’s mouth

not because they are cruel, or unprofessional, or harmful

it’s because they are true

Kevin finds that her words resonate in him, like the echoes of a desperate cry for help within himself

Kevin doesn’t cry, because he can’t, he doesn’t remember how to

he does however go into full-blown panic

without a bottle in his clutch 

it’s bad

it’s really bad

he hears half the words Betsy says next

“Kevin, this is a panic attack. You know this, this is familiar. Don’t be afraid of it, you are not going to die. Not on my watch. I’m going to hold you now, okay? Do I have your permission?”

Kevin nods frantically as he chokes on air

Betsy gets up to come sit beside Kevin on the couch and takes him in her arms

she buries his head over her shoulders and crosses her arms behind his back; without rocking as to not increase the nausea, Betsy begins squeezing Kevin every three seconds, raising her shoulders everytime to encourage him to breathe

“One, two, three, in, Kevin. One, two, three, out, Kevin.”

the pressure of her arms and her deep, motherly voice bring Kevin down from his attack after a good twenty minutes

“I’m going to release you now, Kevin, okay? Can I let go of you?”

Kevin slowly nods, his eyes fixated on a point behind Betsy’s back

she doesn’t even have the time to sit back down on her own chair, though, before Kevin pulls a Neil and sprints out of her office

Wymack can’t even catch up to him

he runs, and runs, and runs

his feet should take him to his dorm, to the alcohol cabinet, or even to the court, to his gear

they don’t

he stops running right in front of Jackie Hall

rationally, Kevin knows classes start at 8:30, that Jules has been getting back in class progressively, that she was slowly getting back on her feet

irrationally, Kevin fears she won’t be there, or that she will, but in pieces on the floor, or that she won’t want to see him, or that she’ll know, or that-

his feet take him inside nonetheless

in a haze, he once again faces door 418

he doesn’t realize he’s knocked until his fist meets the air when the door opens

he woke up Jules, and she looks like it; eyes puffed from sleep, bonnet half off, naked feet

“Kev? Wha- You’re here. Why are you here? Are you- Are you okay? Why are you dressed like that?”

Kevin looks down, at his Exy clothes

his Exy clothes

Shit.

“Okay, no, it’s too early for this. Come on, don’t just stand there. Go shower. I’ll be there after, yeah?” she says as she ushers him inside her dorm room

but Kevin can’t seem to move, now that he has stopped

so Jules grabs two of his fingers and pulls him inside

which then pulls Kevin out of his apathy

“I don’t- I can’t- I-,” he tries

“Do I need to call someone? Are you in danger?” Jules panics a little bit

“N-No… I- Clothes… It’s all I have…” Kevin explains with difficulty

“Oh.”

Jules locks the door behind them and goes to her bed, only to pull out a pile of clothes from under the corner pillow

she brings them to Kevin

“You left this last time you were here… I figured if you didn’t ask for it back, it’d be more useful here in case… Well… You know… That,” she explains, a bit embarrassed

Kevin furrows his eyebrows, he looks like he is on the verge of crying

he doesn’t, of course he doesn’t, but if he could…

he gently takes the clothes and locks himself in the joint bathroom, without a word

Jules is left standing there, still shocked, nervous, overwhelmed…

she quickly undresses herself while Kevin is out of the room, puts on some more decent clothes that what he is used to see her in, washes her face in the tiny sink and fixes her hair for the day

she gets cold as she waits for Kevin, and pulls on a red polo sweater, the only one she has left that doesn’t need to be washed

she waits for Kevin on her bed

Kevin comes out of the bathroom at last, black sweatpants, black shirt, white socks on

he’s clutching his Exy uniform in his arms, close to his chest, close to his heart

Jules gets up to go fetch them two granola bars, the only two she has left of her oh so spare groceries

Kevin looks at it as if she’d handed him a live kitten

he gets that pained look again

“Are you sure that’s okay…?” he asks her

“Yeah, I’m sure. You need it, Kevin. Eat,” she answers him

she sits down on the floor and invites him to do the same

they eat in silence, Jules watching his every moves

Kevin barely nibbles at his bar

“Kevin… Tell me,” Jules finally speaks

and he can’t hold it in anymore

he tells her everything

everything.

from Betsy’s emergency session this morning all the way back to his mom’s death

and everything in between

Riko. The Nest. Exy. His hand. The Foxes. Thea. The alcohol. Andrew. Neil. The mafia. Jean, again, honestly this time.

everything.

it lasts for hours

or so they think

turns out the sun has barely been up for an hour when Kevin finally closes his mouth, emptied of all his bad history 

Jules has bitten the skin off of her lips, but has stayed put where she sat next to him nonetheless, through it all

after a while, breaking the heavy silence, Jules asked the only question one could ask after such a story

“What do you need, Kev?”

what did he need, indeed…

“I- Help me…” was the only answer he could think of

it chilled Juliet to her core

she couldn’t

she couldn’t do that

she was a mess

she didn’t have the strength

she was falling apart at the seams

“Kevin, I- Look at me… Look at my life… I am the last person you want help from… I can’t hold you up like that… I can’t be your anchor…”

she was on the verge of crying, too

but she could cry for real

it took her everything not to

Kevin blamed himself relentlessly

“No, no, no, no… I’m not- I just want… Someone,” Kevin tried to explain

Kevin took a deep breath, getting ready to confess

“I can’t do therapy. I can’t do it. Not alone. I just can’t. I hate is so fucking much. I can’t do it alone.”

Jules understood

her eyes widened in surprise

“You want to do… Joined therapy? With me?”

“Yes.”

“Why.”

“I can’t talk to her… I can’t talk to Betsy. I don’t know how to. I don’t even want to. But you… I can talk to you. I want to talk to you. But I can’t do that to you. We need an outlet. Hence, you, Betsy, and me… The dream team,” Kevin chuckled sadly

it made no sense

it was unconventional, unheard of

it was playing with fire, playing with their traumas

“Okay,” she said

“Okay?” he asked in disbelief

“Okay.”

---

and so they walked back to Betsy’s office, together

Betsy is quite surprised, to say the least

not that Kevin came back

but that he came back willingly, with a plan and desire to get better, and accompanied

before agreeing to Kevin’s deal, however, she has conditions of her own

“One: these sessions are to be once a week, and more if I deem it necessary, no arguing. Two: No more alcohol. You go sober or nothing of this will work. Three: As soon as this Exy season is over, you are to be put on antidepressants. Again, meds mean sobriety.”

Kevin nods, somber but willing to try

“Also: we will all sign a contract to prevent any more harm and to clarify the conditions under which these sessions are to take place. It will be a bit different, as you are not family, or a couple, but we can make this work.”

Juliet and Kevin consent

“One last thing: I will need a full session alone with you, Juliet. I have to evaluate you, evaluate if you are not a threat to Kevin’s well-being, and if Kevin is not a threat to yours. We also need to get to know each other, I’m sure you’d like to know who you’ll be dealing with, yeah? I promise I’m not usually so serious. Would that be okay with you, Juliet?” 

Juliet nods on her own, before she is hit with a heavy realization

“Ma’am- Doctor- I- I don’t have the money. I can’t. I should’ve thought about it sooner. I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” Jules apologizes

“Oh, that won’t be a problem, dear. I’m funded by the Palmetto Foxes. And believe me or not, they don’t use my services as much as they should. Right, Kevin? Besides, Kevin needs this. I need Kevin to do this. And I have a strong feeling you need this too. I assure you, money will not be a problem,” Betsy responds

“But… I’m not a- a Fox…”

“Oh, trust me, dear. You’re a Fox alright. Just not on a court.”

[deus-ex-knoxina]

au where andrew and aaron are wymack’s sons

okay tilda USED to be less of a disaster

like in canon, wymack doesn’t know he has kids. he and tilda split up only a few weeks after she got pregnant, so he was long gone by the time she even knew. it’s not like they were exclusive, either. while it’s a gut punch to learn andrew and aaron’s last name, and what happened to their mother, he figures they can’t be his.

of course, andrew and aaron don’t know either. but you know who does? riko, and by extension kevin

riko’s goal in recruiting andrew is a lot more specific now. instead of just ‘get a really good goalkeeper with a reputation’, it’s ‘get the really good goalkeeper with a reputation so he doesn’t sign with the foxes’.

of course, knowing wymack was their father would probably make the twinyards less inclined to sign with him, not more, but riko doesn’t know that. he doesn’t know them very well at all, and andrew has decided to keep it that way

(riko’s fatal mistake, again, is not recruiting aaron as well. if he had tried, then maybe andrew would have agreed-- or not. if he had tried to recruit nicky too, he probably would have stood a decent chance.)

wymack recruits andrew, aaron, and nicky, with absolutely no idea that he’s related to them, and they accept. riko gnashes his teeth.

he does so even more once they play the foxes that year. the ravens win, of course they do, but andrew aims shots at riko’s head, when he can. just a little reminder to that thick skull that andrew minyard personally dislikes him (as opposed to the general apathy he treats the rest of the population with)

when kevin runs to the foxes after the winter banquet, it’s not because wymack is his dad, because he’s not. it’s because wymack managed to snatch the minyards right out from under riko’s nose and keep them away from him, and if he can do that, then maybe he can keep kevin safe too

(he does. wymack wouldn’t be able to bear otherwise.)

and for a while, that’s how it stays. for a long time, actually. the year goes on. neil gets recruited, and the foxes’ futures start to look up. seth dies and andrew gets sent to easthaven and they look down again, and neil goes to evermore for winter break, and riko does not reveal anything. he bides his time.

(when wymack comes to get neil from the airport, neil is struck by how big wymack is. he’s not that tall-- he’s not short, but kevin and nicky and matt are all taller than him-- but he’s strong and sturdy.)

kevin, who knows the secret about wymack and the twins, has already catalogued all the similarities he can find between them. he’s had a lot of time to do so.

the reveal doesn’t happen until the final game. riko waits until he’s close enough to andrew to score, then right as he’s lining up his shot, he says, ‘you know, i was surprised when you signed with daddy dearest over there.’

andrew doesn’t dignify that with a response. if riko wants to play mind games, he can do so by himself. he does do his best to aim the ball at riko’s ankle. it ricochets off the wall, though, because riko is one of the few players good enough that andrew actually has to try to control the ball around him.

riko figures maybe he didn’t get through to andrew, or maybe andrew’s just obtuse, so that’s what he starts with next time he’s within earshot. ‘oh, didn’t you know wymack’s your dad? how does he feel about that car crash of yours?’

andrew grits his teeth, but he stays the course. he doesn’t need riko yelling about family history to aaron next, because aaron might hit him and then who knows what’ll happen. they can’t afford to lose a player.

that surprises him-- because what does he care how the game ends? but it matters, because to take riko out, they need to beat him at his own game, literally.

andrew does pick up on riko saying something to kevin before the next serve, and kevin stealing worried looks at andrew for the next five minutes.

well, then.

they make it through the game. andrew hisses at the other foxes to keep riko away from aaron, and for once, they don’t ask questions.

and they win.

andrew breaks riko’s arm, and then he says, calmly like he hasn’t spent the past twenty minutes contemplating it, ‘hm, at least my dad wants me.’ because he doesn’t know if riko is telling the truth (and he plans to find out from kevin), but he does know it would be an absolutely devastating comment, and andrew is all in favor of those.

and he also knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that wymack wants him, at least on the foxes if not in wymack’s personal life. wymack signed him and has dealt with all his shit and has bought him expensive whiskey in exchange for playing like he means it. wymack wants him around, which is more than riko can say about his father.

when they get off the court, andrew lets neil lean on him, but he finds kevin and asks, ‘what did he say to you?’

kevin looks at neil, exhausted but alert, and then at aaron over by the vixens, and then at wymack, and then finally back at andrew, and andrew has his answer. ‘so it’s true.’ and kevin nods.

and andrew decides he’s going to deal with that later. right now, he’s tired, and he wants to talk to bee before doing anything, just to figure out what to do, and at the moment kevin needs to go away and andrew needs to find a place to sit down because his legs are tired and neil, for all his running at ass o’clock in the morning, is too exhausted to even ask prying questions.

so he turns and walks out of that conversation, and neil follows, and andrew feels ready to eat ice cream and play video games for a week without a single mention of exy.

he doesn’t need to tell kevin to keep aaron in the dark for now, he’s pretty sure. kevin wouldn’t do something so instigating without a kick in the ass, and with aaron staying with matt now, there are way fewer chances for it to just slip out.

he talks to bee, and he talks to neil, and their methods are incredibly different but their suggestions are, funnily enough, the same. neil would probably be mortified to hear that revelation so andrew is saving it for a rainy day.

so he follows their advice, and he tells aaron, and aaron kicks a chair over but then he just stares at andrew for a second and then goes into his room and slams the door behind him. sulking is fine. aaron sulks, and then he gets over it, or at least fit to be in public again. this is something andrew knows about him. and he waits, and eventually aaron texts him a simple ‘what are we going to do’

and that’s how they find themselves driving to wymack’s the next saturday, music blasting in the car, but isn’t it funny how andrew can still hear the silence between them?

they’re better than they used to be, which is how andrew knows that this silence is something they both need, to steel themselves for the conversation they’re about to have. he parks the car, and turns off the radio, and they sit there for at least a minute before aaron says, ‘no deals. we tell him and that’s it.’

‘that sounds like a deal,’ andrew points out, just to be a shit, and aaron rolls his eyes at him but says, ‘no new deals with wymack. we don’t need one. he’s already got our contracts and you’re off your meds.’ and andrew agrees.

they get out of the car together, and they walk up to wymack’s apartment together, and aaron knocks before andrew can get his keys out but honestly, now that he thinks about it, aaron’s probably right. wymack should know they’re here and make the decision to let them in.

he does, and he raises an eyebrow when he sees who it is, but he doesn’t comment on them knocking because maybe he can feel the heaviness in the air, and he closes the door behind them and says, ‘what?’

that’s something andrew appreciates about wymack. he’s direct. which is why andrew says, ‘so did you know you’re our father, or did tilda keep that a secret too?’

wymack’s face drains of color and aaron says, ‘andrew,’ but he leaves it at that.

they stay at wymack’s for a long time, and andrew nabs a bottle of whiskey before they go, just to make sure wymack knows that he’s still the same person. if he really cared he’d get a lock for his liquor cabinet.

when they’re in the car, before they leave, aaron says, ‘what do we say to the rest of the team?’

andrew honestly hadn’t considered that. bee and neil and aaron and wymack and kevin all know, which is already a lot of people. probably nicky will have to be told at some point, and so will abby. he’s going to tell renee at some point. does it matter if the others know?

he voices that aloud, and aaron says, ‘i don’t know, but wymack might appreciate not having to keep it a secret.’ and that’s true. so they decide, because they’re both assholes, to wait for dan’s next full team mandatory bonding night

(wymack, still up in his apartment, is upset. not because of what they told him but of what it means-- if tilda had just told him, or if they’d split up a few weeks later, then he could have taken the twins, he absolutely would have taken the twins, and he could have prevented so much of the darkness in their lives. and it hurts, too, to know that tilda herself was responsible for a lot of that darkness. but that’s not what happened. and he’s pragmatic. he’s tried to help them ever since they signed with him and he doesn’t know how much success he’s had but they are doing better now than they were. he can try to keep that going, and he will keep that going. they deserve that.)

the mandatory bonding night happens a week later, everything is going great, occasionally people are raising eyebrows at how long andrew is staying because usually he leaves as soon as possible but whatever, and then kevin gets up and says he’s going to bed and like they planned (the plan was to wait until right before the first person leaves, so they can get everyone at once and also scatter), aaron immediately goes hey, kevin, wait, one last thing

and kevin is very, very prepared for this to be something stupid and/or incomprehensible, but he waits, and aaron says, ‘i just thought you should know that since wymack’s me and andrew’s dad that means you’re not the only son of exy anymore’

there’s a two second pause while people register what he said and then everyone loses their SHIT. allison is shrieking, nicky is just running around the room from person to person yelling in their faces, neil is laughing his ass off, dan looks like she really isn’t sure whether to believe him or not, and matt’s just kinda catatonic

eventually, dan decides to believe them and let it go. she doesn’t know the details, but their relationships with each other, the team, and wymack have all improved over the last year. if she gets in their faces right now about being assholes (as much as she wants to do just that), all their progress might be ruined.

and then andrew (and aaron, once he catches on) spends an entire practice calling wymack ‘male ancestor’ and dan figures they’ll be alright

she’s proved right later on, as the twins don’t take that long to get used to the idea of someone who’s already proved he’s on their side over and over being a part of their crafted family. it’s unorthodox and andrew definitely continues to steal alcohol but wymack locks the liquor cabinet and gives him a copy of the key, which seems like a completely futile exercise but keys are important, and keys given by someone else are even more important.

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[thatgirlintheaudience]

Jagged Little Pill: Our New Musical

Spoilers ahead and WARNING: review contains references to drug use and sexual violence 

Act 1: 

Is this the best overture of all time? Yes, yes it is. I don't care. The second it started I screamed like what a rush of energy. That harmonica, damn Alanis. And then as it began and the chorus came out, I already started crying. Just a rush of emotions in one minute. It was crazy. I love when they say “around and around” and they move their finger in a circle. I just think it’s cool and I love this choreography and ensemble so much. Like, the chorus is such a driving force in this show. I cannot praise them enough. And Sidi Larbi Cherkaoui’s choreography is just breathtaking. Totally unique and inventive. Nothing like I’ve seen on Broadway before. Enter the Healy family (I love them!). 

All I Really Want just explains the frustration Frankie and Mary Jane feel at the world and at each other. It is crazy how perfectly Alanis’ music fits into this story and into 2020. This is a huge credit to book writer Diablo Cody who created the Healy family and this story to match with the music. Bravo! Let’s just say when each song started the man behind me said “Wow” every time. Like he realized how perfect each song went with the story/character. Just a reminder that I did see this show in its world premiere in Boston so I went in knowing certain things and may compare both productions. “I’m frustrated by your apathy” is such a good line. And they changed the lyric to “spiritual woman” and they lift up Ebony Williams as the spiritual woman. And when Frankie says, “what I wouldn’t give to find a soul mate,” MJ looked like aw I really want a soul mate for my daughter. And when Frankie says “here can you handle this?” she holds up a sign saying “fear doesn't belong in our schools.” Then when Frankie says “all I really want is a wave length” she’s sitting at the table with MJ and reaches over for her hand as if she is desperately reaching for her mother’s attention and affection. And then Frankie and MJ basically have a belt off and boy do I love it. Although I miss when MJ would stand on top of the chair and belt because that was awesome. Now she runs up to the front of the stage. And then the commotion builds and MJ takes her pills which is when the song dies out and she sighs in relief. 

In Hand in My Pocket they clap and have a dance break. It’s really fun. Before Smiling we see MJ desperately trying to refill her prescription and being denied. It’s a really heartbreaking scene because she is so desperate and she says “no, I’m just a mom who got in a fender bender” like she tries to deny her addiction and pretend she is fine. Then she goes to the Connecticut Muffin and meets three snobby town moms. Shout out to Laurel Harris who plays one of the moms, the school teacher and Jo’s mom. She's perfect in every role and as a member of the chorus. Anyway these moms are totally obsessed with appearance and after this MJ meets with her drug dealer and Smiling begins which is a song that is performed backwards. Yes, backwards! It goes through MJ at the Connecticut Muffin, the grocery store, soul cycle, and ends at home when she drops her pill bottle and Steve picks it up. It is such a challenging number but it totally pays off for the look and emotion it gives. I mean, Ezra Menas jump ropes backwards! C’mon now. 

In Ironic, when Frankie is reading her piece out loud all the kids are making fun of her because nothing is actually ironic and Phoenix is just fed up and sticks up for her. The spotlight is only on him when he is watching Frankie and I find it really cute. And when Frankie goes “it’s like meeting the boy of my dreams and then meeting his…” and Phoenix goes “I’m not seeing anyone.” Wow, my heart. And then their voices join together and it is like angels singing. I’m obsessed, can’t you tell? I feel like I could have used a Phoenix in some of my English classes, you feel me? SO UNSEXY. Sorry, I just love this song and Sean Allan Krill’s voice is beautiful. When Steve sings, “I can feel so unsexy to someone so beautiful” he’s at work and looks at a framed photo of MJ. Ugh. In Boston, they looked at their bodies in the mirror which I missed because I think that really justifies the song, but I’m just glad they kept it in because it’s a great song and I recommend listening to Alanis’ version as well as Alanis’ version of all these songs. 

So before Perfect we have a scene between Nick and MJ. This scene as well as placing Perfect in act one was a change for Broadway and I thought it worked better. MJ is decorating their Christmas tree and has the manger scene out when she reminds Nick about how much he loved the lamb when he was little. MJ tells him how she believes he is the only thing she has done right in her life as she reiterates later in the show as well. When singing Perfect, Nick decides to go to this party and I saw it as his act of rebellion. He later states in the show something about “why does he have to be the perfect, steady person that everyone leans on and relies on?” When MJ reads his note about leaving for the party she sits on the couch and sadly looks at the lamb. :( And what a perfect (lol) song for Nick to sing and Derek just executes it with so much emotion. “Why are your cryingggggg?” Ugh!

For the party they sing So Pure. Yes! So basically, Bella, Andrew, Phoenix, Nick and Frankie show up at this party although the Healy kids and Phoenix are not party kids or that experienced with parties. In this scene we can see Bella clearly intoxicated and Andrew dragging her around and leading her off stage. Meanwhile, Phoenix and Frankie leave the party. Phoenix and Frankie sit on a swing set as they introduce their family lives to each other. Phoenix reveals he has a single mother and a very sick sister. When Frankie asks him if he could change his family, would he? He replies that he wouldn't change his family, but himself. If only he could be a better person maybe things would be different. Frankie agrees completely and they sing That I Would Be Good. Cue me shouting that this may be my favorite performance in Broadway history. I’m a huge fan of this song and to have it paired with this story and these characters is just EVERYTHING. Just gonna shout out Antonio because not only does he play Phoenix but he is also in the chorus and he sings like this! Talent! And Jo’s part in this? Don’t even get me started. We see her mom putting her in these girly clothes and when Phoenix goes “that I would be loved” Jo replies, “am I loved?” ...Did you hear my heart break? And the crack and rawness in Lauren’s voice when she goes, “even when I am oooooverwwwhelmmmmed.” Plus Jo sings “Everything is fucked when you’re not here” which I think shows how much she loves Frankie and relies on her. Then the 3 of their voices together. It's just magic. I highly recommend this show! And I just want to shout out how well I think the show represents their teen characters. All the teen characters are so multidimensional and are each going through their own set of troubles. They are seen as human beings who are just as flawed as the parents. 

WAKE UP. WAKE UP. Okay, maybe this was my favorite performance? Who can say at this point? We now know Bella has been raped by Andrew and that Nick was a witness and didn’t stop it. Jo and Frankie go to Bella’s house, where Kathryn Gallagher gives a haunting rendition of the events that happened at the party leaving the audience silent. When Frankie confronts Nick, he explains how Bella was drunk and how she can be dramatic. MJ comes in and also explains to Frankie how these things happen all the time and we need to be responsible for our own actions. Cue the song. The chorus taunts Nick in this song and it is like the voices screaming in his head. They also show Bella and Andrew talking to the police. Then for Broadway they brought in these moving walls. So during this song, MJ and other characters are being pushed on these walls. Frankie also sings a part of Hands Clean in this number, another song that corresponds to Bella’s experience. It’s a number that just builds and gets chaotic and when they start singing, “get up, get outta here, enough already” and it just ends with WAKE UP. WOW. Wake up, talk about a relevant 2020 message. 

Forgiven is an absolutely smashing act one finale. Elizabeth Stanley is truly giving the performance of a lifetime. Her voice is insanity. It is sad I did not know her before this show. When they are shouting “sinner” and “witch,” Bella comes in and stands in the center as the chorus surrounds her and MJ watches. There is also red lighting. This also takes place in a church. And it starts snowing and the whole cast comes out and it is just so powerful. 

Act 2: 

Act two starts with Hands Clean (an amazing song) and Not the Doctor as MJ and Steve go to therapy. Steve really opens up about how MJ is an amazing woman and mother. Then Phoenix and Frankie come out and both couples, but mostly Frankie and Phoenix sing Head Over Feet which is such a good song and scene. Celia and Antonio’s chemistry is amazing and they are so cute. Don’t believe me, then watch this insanely adorable music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHilyL6YfYU Also they are climbing the swing set ladder during this number and the swing set literally spins in a circle as Frankie hangs off of it living her best life. It is just a pure cute number. 

So after this spoiler: Frankie and Phoenix have sex and Jo sings Your House as she walks in on them. And Your House is done acapella! Jo tells MJ and Steve leading to a huge fight between Frankie and her parents and she leaves for New York City and sings Unprodigal Daughter. Honestly, it is heartbreaking watching Jo experience Frankie’s betrayal. I believe it is at this moment that MJ and Steve have a huge fight where Steve yells, “No wonder she {Frankie} hates you.” Elizabeth and Sean are amazing together and this fight was so raw and real. Sean recently said that 95% of his performance relies and is in response to MJ/ Elizabeth which is so true. Anyway when Frankie  arrives in NYC, a person comes up to her and sings “You from New York, you are so relevant.” This is a line from So Pure and I thought it was cool how they sneaked that in. I’m not sure if Alanis meant the line to be sarcastic or real but I understand both interpretations. Anyway UNPRODIGAL DAUGHTER is everything. If you have ever fought with your parents, hated your small town or wanted to run away to be with people who understood you, this. Is. your. Jam! And Frankie sells it, I mean this song was meant for her. She’s in NYC  with all these cool, understanding people and they lift her up at the end like she is a queen on the throne. And the band, THE BAND, is onstage rocking out!!! The band is amazzzzing. They were having so much fun. 

Bella sings Predator which is a song written for the show. This scene details Bella at the party, only Heather Lang is playing Bella as Kathryn watches it happen. Lang specifically dances as MJ and Bella. Throughout act one, she gets real close to MJ and is acting as her conscious/addiction. MJ watches this scene as Bella lays on the bed and is then replaced by MJ as we have found out that MJ was also raped in college. It is a haunting number. There is also a scene when Bella asks MJ how long it took for her to feel normal again and she fails to give her an answer. 

You Oughta Know. I will say: believe the hype. But honestly believe the hype about the whole show, not just this one number. So Jo comes to get Frankie from New York and she starts this number quiet and then it builds up and the chorus and band come out. Everyone already knows how amazing this song is but Lauren really does elevate it to another level and brings a whole extra layer of emotions. Her dancing and frustration and singing with the band rocking out is just an awesome experience. There is red lighting and it is just a killer moment. 

At the end of this song Frankie gets a text about her Mom and we see MJ on the couch overdosing. She sings Univinited and Heather Lang dances in this number. Elizabeth’s voice and just her movements and shaking in this scene is unbelievable. And just the backing vocals and music make it so powerful. It just sounds like a war and battle between MJ and her addiction. Bella also sings parts of this song which I found fascinating. The connection between Bella and MJ is explored more on Broadway. Also when MJ overdoses, the lights flash three times. So the lights flash and we see Steve finding MJ, then lights flash we see Nick on the phone, lights flash, there’s a doctor putting an oxygen mask on MJ. This was a new addition to Broadway I believe and I loved it. They do a similar thing in Hedwig and I just love it. 

When they arrive at the hospital, Steve cannot believe the drugs MJ was on and refuses to believe she was a drug addict. He asks the doctor, “does she look like a drug addict to you?” And the doctor replies, “what do you think a drug addict looks like?” The audience felt that line. It is so true. This can happen to anyone. Mary Jane is filled with so much emotion. Steve really does love MJ and I love the backing vocals in this. Krill is amazing as Steve. “No” is powerful. Each person that sings stands in the middle and is touched by other chorus members. And all the signs are powerful and then Nick lifts his that says: Stand with Survivors. And can I belt like Kathryn? I wish. Then it ends with them standing in a line at the front of the stage and and Nick and Bella sing “it’s easy not to, so much easier not to”. Just the reprises of Wake Up in multiple songs gives me shivers. Wake Up drives so much of the show. I think before No there is a scene with the chorus members on their phones tweeting and texting nasty things about Bella and then they hold their phones out to the audience. I think this is just a reminder of how much social media and technology has changed us and how we have to remember to be nice!

Then MJ and Frankie make up during Thank U. Thank U and You Learn are just the two best songs to end a show with. They are filled with so much healing, and hope which is exactly what this show is about. And when MJ is sending the new Christmas letter she goes, “yeah I’m pretty messed up” and then she goes, “no, I’m perfectly imperfect.” We say this all the time to ourselves but we have to start believing it. No one is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect. We all put up these appearances and try to hide our sadness from the world. There is so much human beings go through and if you are a human being you are going to love Jagged Little Pill. It is a human story. It is healing and powerful and makes you feel all the emotions. It ends with Frankie grabbing MJ’s hand. It is a beautiful show and I think very person on this planet should see it. If you wanna talk about this show (or any show) or about the stage door, feel free to message me. Thank U Jagged Little Pill and the Jagged Little Community. 

[fallingin-like]

november 16

l’amour parle en fleus by @scribbleb-red [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post! 

this is a wonderful and heartbreaking fic that deals with grief and the beauty of life. it is soft and sweet, while dealing with hard topics and loss. this fic is incomplete.

disclaimer: i reviewed this fic when it had 7 chapters, so no comments on chapter 8. sorry!

this fic was stunning and i was blown away by your amazing descriptions and imagery. everything is so vivid and feels real. i was so interested in the little pieces of andrew and neil’s stories and how they pieced together to bring them to this story.

parts that stood out to me:

”he had cut himself free of the roots of his past and planted new ones, blooming in a country that should never have belonged to him, yet matched the varying shades of his soul” wow, this is such a beautiful beginning to the story, the wording you used makes it read like poetry, especially the last part of the sentence

”not on that sun-drenched afternoon” oh this is wonderful

”bruises had stiffened his face into a mask” i love the way that you wrote this

it breaks my heart to see how affected andrew is by aaron’s death. although he tries his best to show it outwardly, andrew gave up so much of himself to protect aaron

ooh the house/property you’ve described sounds so nice. do you have something specific (like an existing house) that you’re referencing?

”maybe he’d make it a challenge to sleep in all of them” whatamood andrew

”the air was clean and full of grass, as if it had only ever been breathed by wild things” oh, this is so nice

cats! sounds like a dream, to be in a bnb and find out they have cats

it sounds like fun to read a book that someone has annotated. so much that you can learn about them through how they react to the events in the novel in comparison to what you feel or think

”liked how steady and quiet king was, how sir vocalised every time they wanted something” love that you had andrew highlight these characteristics, it seems very in character

”the sound of footsteps approaching an unlockable door” EXCUSE ME DID YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST SLIDE THIS IN AFTER “a number plate, a smile, a mist rising over a river” AND THINK I WOULD NOT NOTICE. LIKE IT’S NOT A DEVASTATING SENTENCE.

”his was a skull full of a thousand momento mori. aaron was just the latest” woah what a powerful two sentences

how cute that andrew keeps all of neil’s notes! sounds like something i would do haha

ohmygoodness neil singing is bringing me back to my french classes from a long long time ago (i can remember enough to kind of work out the english translations loool)

”because worst of all, nathaniel never seemed to notice him back. it rankled… didn’t the idiot care that he was killing the world over with that voice?” yeah okay andrew, you keep thinking that’s the reason you hate that neil doesn’t notice you.

woah you descriptions of the outside is absolutely gorgeous. the colours, descriptions, and imagery are so wonderful and overwhelming and beautiful. i get so lost in the sheer volume of it all, i forget about andrew’s anger (as i’m sure he also does, a little)

andrew picking up his cigarette butt is so lovely and fitting for this section of the story

AH IT’S NEIL

”and, as the folds of material were plucked at by the wind’s childish fingers, andrew followed the sharp lines of his collarbones, the smattering of freckles, strangely warped and wefted flesh” I LOVE THIS. the wording you used is absolutely amazing

NEIL HAS PIERCINGS AND HE KEEPS LAVENDER IN THEM THIS IS THE BEST

oh, the story of aaron giving andrew his hat is so soft, such a wonderful thing shared between the two of them. it’s so small, but for us who know how much of a struggle everything is with them, a constant push and pull, it’s everything.

neil’s loft sounds so nice, how did you come up with this idea?

also prickly neil is great, i love that you have this shortly after andrew goes to touch a plant and gets pricked because of it

”a stab of hatred lanced through andrew’s stomach, white-hot, easy. sweat rolled down the centre of his back, a sour coating filled the back of his throat” ahh your descriptions are so so good

”andrew replied, popping the ‘p’ like an eyeball under a thumb.” exCUSE ME LIKE WHAT??

also i am very much a fan of neil being super strong

uhhHHHH neil has a tongue piercing?? i think andrew actually vapourized in that moment

orange! tractor! adorable!

”apathy, his brain supplied, the opposite of anger, the inverse of hate” oh this is interesting. i guess i always automatically thought of love, but when i think of this, it seems so right. hate, anger are such strong emotions, overtaking everything, making it hard to think, feeling so so much, but the absence of that feeling? oh

”and neil was leaning forward, plucking the cigarette from andrew’s fingers and taking a drag, smoke spilling between his teeth when he grinned a grin like a knife blade. andrew felt it in his gut” !!! this!!!

”addiction left people brittle. left them dry as kindling and just as easy to burn” woah

i really cannot handle these boys

NEIL IS MISSING PART OF HIS FINGER, OH MY GOODNESS I AM LOSING IT HERE. 

amazing bit about the garden, never thought about it that way. it’s so true

honestly, there is just so so much to unpack. love your description of the buzzing andrew is feeling, i really like hearing andrew’s thought process, how everything turns back to aaron, love the way that, even now, he can read neil so well

THE TWINYARD EMBRACE. THE WAY THEY HOLD EACH OTHER. “‘you killed him,’ andrew said. ‘you killed her,’ replied aaron.” THIS ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT THEY HAVE PROTECTED EACH OTHER. THE BEGINNING OF JOINT THERAPY. THEY WAY THAT THEY SLOWLY LEARN TO LOVE EACH OTHER IN A WAY THAT’S MORE HEALTHY.

ahhhhh andrew talking to neil? this is so so good to see his progress, to see how he’s working through his grieving

oh boy, loving the little rivalry that eduard brings, the kind of tension heh

this town/market sounds amazing, so beautiful

IN THE GAME. OH DANG EDUARD YOU ARE NOT THE FARMER BOY WHO HAS THE HOTS FOR NEIL THAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE

”’well… like an american,’ said neil, like it explained everything. and it did, like a fire hissing out in the rain, andrew felt his shoulders relax, his ire cool” ahh so nice.

”because neil was so much give, when andrew needed to take” oh this is so interesting!

”neil shouldn’t be allowed to just vanish” AHH

”andrew shouldn’t have lashed out, sneered at neil’s story and spot on his honesty” NOOO ANDREW WHY

”his scars were the noughts to andrew’s crosses” oh this is so nice (like, not nice, but you know)

woah it’s really interesting hearing neil’s story while also having andrew’s commentary available with his knowledge from school. to see the personal side of it and also what was portrayed to the public

as much as i love neil with long curly hair, him with a buzzed look has me interested. paired with his cheekbones and his eyes, woahhhhh

”it looked like he’d been bled of life, colours fading until he became a negative of himself or an older version of the hollow-eyed teenager from the newspapers all those years ago.” i think this is my favourite sentence of this fic so far. makes me hurt.

AARON USED TO CALL ANDREW A TURNIP THAT IS SO ADORABLE I WANT PEOPLE TO CALL ME TURNIP (wait i just looked up what it means and although it is true i have no brains i was thinking in an affectionate way. turnips look really cute and are tiny lol)

ahhh neil in his bed in the barn during the storm ;-;

i love how you incorporated consent into andrew anchoring neil from his panic with the hand on his neck

ohmygoodness i cannot believe that neil has a PALMETTO HOODIE WITH A NAME AND NUMBER ON IT AH

”they took long walks through the fields and along the mountain paths, navigating the rocky terrain of andrew’s grief and neil’s jagged history that came so painfully close to intertwining with andrew’s own” oh this is such a beautiful sentence

NEIL HAS WATCHED ANDREW’S INTERVIEWS EXCUSE ME WHAT THAT IS SO CUTE

”he caught his reflection in the mirror and saw only himself” THIS IS AMAZING. what a transition that we get to see andrew experience

”for months andrew’s mind was a jagged thing, not knowing what he wanted or what he needed” !!

ooh love the acknowledgement that younger andrew would have denied his feelings but he’s more mature now and is more in tune with his emotions and wants!! amazing

”dinner with neil was an abundant thing. odd choice of word, but it was the only way andrew could describe it” it is an odd choice, but at the same time i think i understand it?

oh. andrew’s dream of aaron in the field. it’s so sad and soft and makes me feel blurry around the edges. what a contrast to the evening with neil. i like it though. you don’t just get over grieving. it gets better and it gets worse. it comes back again and again, even when you think it will not return. “wait for me. wait for me” i love what this adds, it feels so right

”andrew pressed every lane and shady square between the pages of his memory” so wonderful

PARLE EN FLEURS. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW.

woah aaron’s story was intense and well-told. things make a lot more sense now.

love that andrew sends nicky pictures to show everything, to share without words. they have such a unique relationship, they both care so much but are so different in the way that they show it sometimes it clashes

”it’s not the kind of pain that can be quantified. and it will still hurt in a year, in five, in ten”

i mostly skimmed the last chapter because i know that i easily internalize the thoughts and feelings that come when people write depression. 

i love the way that you structured this fic. the chapter titles are perfect because throughout the fic we see andrew’s healing and grieving. it’s subtle, but he clearly shifts through the different stages that you include and i’m really impressed by how seamlessly you incorporated that into the fic. the fic’s focus slowly transfers from aaron to neil so naturally that you almost don’t notice it until you take a step away for a moment.

you do such a marvelous job with the descriptions of this fic, i liked so so many sentences that i could not possibly mention them all. the town and the fields and the surroundings sound so beautiful and stunning, you made everything so vibrant and alive. all the colours and textures and words that you used really established an amazing backdrop to the story you wrote.

and the story, i loved your approach to this, it’s very realistic. the interactions between andrew and neil are pure and natural and don’t seem forced. you created complicated, intricate relationships between all the characters, brought up the difficulty of expressing emotions and feelings with people, and trust that was built. i liked the way that you wrote the characters, and i adore neil with his flower piercings. thank you so much for writing this fic! i can’t wait to see what comes next!

[southsideserpentkings]

A Child's Trauma, A Father's Care. A Child's Pain, a Father's Devotion.

Relationship: Archie Andrews & Fred Andrews (Familial)

Rating: General / Teen (For reference to abuse in Juvie)

Summary:  “What’s gotten into you lately?” “When I said I fought to survive – I meant it literally.” ~Or~ A moment between Archie and Fred. It occurred to me that no one actually tells Fred that his son was forced into an illegal and violent fighting ring, nor does anyone address the fact that Archie’s outbursts of anger and violence are likely because his coping mechanism had been fighting for his life bare knuckles and bloody, and now he’s expected to cope by just…Readjusting to school life and idle chit-chat??? Yeah, no. My trauma is sooooo mild compared to Archie, and I know that is NOT how that works. So essentially – Archie blows up, again, Fred gets onto him, Archie tells him how he coped, how he can’t cope anymore, and Fred is the most amazing father in Riverdale (I mean he’s Sheriff Stilinski level people).

Tags: Family, Past Child Abuse, Implied Jughead/Archie(/Betty), mild language, an unhealthy coping mechanism, dealing with trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Good Dad Fred Andrews, Angry Archie Andrews, Hurt Archie Andrews, good parenting for once on this show, mid-season 3, after Juvie and Canada.

Ao3 Link: Here

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Archie wouldn’t say he was proud of the fact that he lost it again, he wouldn’t say he was happy about it either, but then again, he couldn’t say he really had any control over it. He’d never accepted the nonsense excuses offered for Reggie and Chuck and the other teen boys who frequently got into altercations, never believed for a moment that they were incapable of controlling themselves, that anger and violence were to be expected just because they were teenage boys. But he was starting to wonder about Reggie, about his home life and what effect it had on him. The boy was an asshole, no doubt about that, and he wasn’t shy of acting up and boasting loudly, but Archie had a new appreciation, and dislike, for how ugly things inflicted by other people could fester under the surface and bubble up into an uncontrollable eruption. And Reggie, unlike all the others save perhaps Sweet Pea, had more than a few bruises and cutting wounds that suggested some well of poison in their lives.

He hadn’t started swinging this time, that at least he could say, but it didn’t make that much of a difference to the observer, to all those now looking in at the all-American-Golden-Boy that had been Archie Andrews. Some jerk twice his age had thought it was a good idea to step out of the circle of his family and the cushion of the masquerade of suburban life to get in Archie’s face. He thought it was a good idea to stand in the young man’s space and spit degrading filth in his face, to blame him for all the things that went wrong in the last year, to curse at him for ‘attacking and degrading a fine upstanding businessman like Hiram Lodge’, to spit a dozen insults and cutting words from a mouth that had no idea what his last two years had been like. He’d ignored it, tried to at least, turned his back and tried to walk away in silence while his father had attempted to break off the tirade calmly, peacefully.

He’d failed when words about Betty Cooper’s poison influence and Jughead Jones’ inbred filth and Archie’s “perverted obsession” with Hiram Lodge hit his back. He’d felt it turn inside of him, the poison darkness that lay dormant and twisting deep within his core, felt it turn from inky numbing coldness into deep burning anger that reached up to curl around his ribs, filling his chest with the heavy weight of a shifting sea formed from heated venom. He’d felt it reach into his mind, felt it build until it choked off his throat with sickening anger, anger born of pain and survival instincts, sharpened and called on repeatedly and frequently until they couldn’t be shut off, catching him in their stranglehold. He felt it all, the weight of the past years, everything since Geraldine Grundy’s abuses to Veronica’s manipulation to Hiram Lodge’s sick games, felt it fill him until it made him sick, until it left him with nothing but anger, and sickness, and rage, and an instinct to fight, to survive. He felt it build, curl his lips into a snarl, bare his teeth in defiance, turn his body without his conscious thought to face the arrogant ass, sound his voice into a growl behind clenched teeth, raise his arms to shove him backwards. He’d made contact, released primal sounds of aggression, acted in violence before he was able to control the impulse. His father was between them, pushing Archie away from the now blustering and red-faced man, and Archie was backing away, teeth still bared, moving away from them both.

He wasn’t proud of it, hell he hated how easily it happened, hated the constant anger and defensiveness that burrowed in his core, racing through his veins at any altercation. But he had a new appreciation for how other people’s violence could turn from pain into anger, and it made him wonder about Reggie, about Sweet Pea, made him worry for himself, for them both. He wasn’t proud, was truthfully unsettled by the lingering otherness under his skin, at least when he could muster more than numb apathy, but at least he hadn’t started swinging. This time. That was an improvement, even if no one else besides King and Queen could see it, but they weren’t here now. They weren't here to curl around him with unconditional acceptance and care. They weren't here to calm him down in the etherial way only they could. They weren't here to talk sense into him and tell him it would be okay. Their presence wasn't here, and it left Archie feeling ragged and vulnerable. No, now he had only an irate and confused father following him into their home, a few steps behind as they entered their dwelling and started through the kitchen. Archie didn’t know what his destination was, he just wanted to be away from here, away from everything…

“What’s gotten into you, Archie?” He wasn’t used to hearing frustration, much less disappointment, in his father’s tone…he had a sickening feeling he should get used to it. He paused by the kitchen island but didn’t turn around, heard his father come to a stop a few paces behind him, listened with a vacant stare as the questions continued behind him, the elder’s tone pitching closer and closer towards rare anger. “I know the last year hasn’t been easy, I know that, but you can’t keep blowing up at people Son!”

He could feel the itching urge under his skin, nestled into suddenly aching joints, to tap his forefinger and middle finger against the cold marble of the island countertop in a slow, heartbeat-like rhythm. He’d learned long ago, in the dark and cold of iron bars and blood-stained tiles, to quell such ticks, to keep still, to give nothing away. The itch became a painful need, but he stood still, fingers unmoving where they sat, stare beginning to transition from vacant to unfocussed, no longer able to make out the clear lines of the laundry room’s paneled door.

A harsh sigh hissed from between his father’s teeth, and Archie was relatively certain that old and calloused hands were running harshly through thinning red hair, pulling at the roots in frustration. An almost useless attempt at rediverting turbulent emotions away from his son. “Damn it, Archie, I don’t compare people, but I’m at a loss here and I have no clue what else to do. FP got manipulated by a man in power, same as you, got put in a damn jail cell for months, same as you, and he didn’t come out swinging and blowing up into fits of rage! You’ve never been an angry kid- What the hell happened?”

His father rarely cursed, that alone was enough to tell Archie how close to the end of his tether the man was. ‘What happened?’ Surely, he didn’t need him to go through it? FP had gone through a sharp, cut and dry withdrawal from alcoholism, but even then, he’d mostly just sat in a cell. His father couldn’t think that that was the same as… They wouldn’t. Would they? Surely one of them, Jughead, Veronica, FP, Betty, surely at least one of them would have told him. Right? He sighed heavily, the sound suppressed within a still chest and clenched teeth. They would. With all the shit going on, no one had told his father, had they?

“They didn’t tell you, did they? I thought at least one of them would have, at some point.” His voice came out steadily, rough and low like his vocal cords had been redecorated by sandpaper, weary with the weight of too much since the summer that his hometown had turned to hell. He turned towards his father slowly, acutely aware of every ache in his protesting body, the pain of where he was worn down, the phantom pain of injuries that had healed, the jarring pull of all the ones that hadn’t healed correctly, the grating where the pieces no longer fit together properly after one too many traumas. He faced his father and wished to gods he wasn’t sure he believed in anymore that the thousand-yard-stare that he couldn’t shake wasn’t reflecting the weight of everything that had happened, that the closed shutters didn’t reveal the numb apathy, hell-born weariness, and the anger that didn’t have anywhere to go. Wished, for the sake of his father, that all his traumas weren’t revealed in the depths of guarded eyes that no longer shined with childhood joy.

His father wasn’t afraid of him, would never, ever recoil from his son in any form of fear…but recoil he did, uncertainty and wariness clear in the sorrow etched into every line of his face when he met young whiskey eyes turned to rust. His voice, too, was guarded, hesitant and suddenly quiet, as he asked the question he knew he didn’t want the answer to. “Tell me what?”

Archie from two years ago would have moved around, would have changed expression, shifted tone in discomfort and an attempt to either avoid this or lighten the impact. Here and now, he didn’t move, not a muscle shifted in body nor expression. Monotone and rough, he wasn’t sure if his tone failed to reveal his emotions…or if his chest truly was as hollow as it felt. “About Leopold and Loeb. They didn’t tell you.” It wasn’t a question. The confusion tinged in the beginnings of alarm on his father’s face told him the answer. He sighed then, quietly but not softly, and shifted ever so slightly towards his father, resting his weight back on one leg.

“When I told you I fought to survive – I meant it.”

His father’s face contorted into confusion, brow furrowing and lips parting to ask him what he meant, but Archie wasn’t in the mood to play twenty-questions. He didn’t have the wherewithal to make this gentle either, but he didn’t want to draw it out, so straightforward it was.

“Hiram didn’t get me sentenced to his prison, to the warden in his pocket, to gloat from a distance. He did that up close.” He sighed heavily and shifted his weight, the first signs of animation he’d shown since he’d stopped moving “They made us fight.” Well that wasn’t going to cut it, he’d have to say it all now. “In Leopold and Loeb. They backed us into corners to see who defended the others, who fought against the dozen guards given free rein to abuse them, who’d lay down and take it and who’d stand up and defend themselves. Not sure it mattered in the end, they took whomever amused them.”

His father had a queasy look beginning to color his face, and Archie realized all of the sudden how that sentence sounded, what horrors it might lead an uninformed mind to conclude. He almost snorted in laughter when he caught it. That type of shit hadn’t happened since Geraldine Grundy. His words weren’t hurried, each of them slow and steady and marching after the previous ones with unshifting uniformity. All the same, he didn’t have use for dramatic pauses, any more than tonal shifts it seemed.

“Loeb and a handful of other juvie prisons took handfuls of kids and threw us by pairs in an old underground swimming pool, square mat that made no difference tossed over the drain in the center.” His father still looked apprehensive, but it was tinged by confusion rather than disgusted horror now. God, Archie wished he wasn’t about to change that. But he could no more avoid these words than he could bring himself to put any more than cold apathy in his tone.

“They made us fight. Six rounds at least, bare knuckles. Bloody or it didn’t count.” Each word like a bullet, spat out without cushion or coddling. Truth laid bare, chips to fall where they may. Not for lack of care or empathy or sorrow for the pain this would cause his father, but an inability for those things to overrule the apathy that had become his 'normal'. “I always made sure I was the one who bled. Half those guys were put there to be beaten into the tile, and I could take most of them down in a few hits, but that ‘didn’t count’.” He made an aborted half-shrug. “You got knocked down, there was a fair chance you’d be dead when they took you out of the ring. Made losing a bad option. The ‘repercussions’ for ‘disappointing’ the warden that got put on everyone else was a pretty strong motivation too. You won, one of three things happened: You died. You got beaten to a pulp. The others got beaten in your place. I kept winning, I kept getting put in the pit.”

His father was leaning against the wall now, a sick look warring for dominance with shock and horror on his features as he stared at his son like he was just now seeing him for the first time. Two years ago Archie would have moved to him, put a hand on his arm to support him, asked him ‘Dad, are you ok?’ with fluctuating tones that revealed a dozen emotions. Now? He stood broken and still as a crumbling statue, staring ahead with vacant eyes at where his father stood, unable to muster the energy to change his monotone. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He just didn’t know how to be anything other than numb, unless he was angry, anymore.

“It was hell. But part of me wishes I was still there.” Fred Andrews blanched, whole body recoiling in shock at those words, and a small twinge of remorse – likely far bigger than he was capable of feeling – lanced through Archie’s chest. He took a deep breath and steadied himself, made a point to shift his weight back enough so at least some of it was resting on the arm still atop the counter. Attempted to look less like the veteran soldier come home from hell. He met his father’s eyes and offered a silent apology as the first tendrils of frustration and anger began to leak into his tone.

“I trained, I bled, I fought, I survived.” He breathed, calm and deep, control his survival had demanded he learn in every muscle movement. “I don’t know how to cope out here.”

Anger began to swirl in his gut, began to rise up and swell in his hollow chest, and he grit his teeth to bite it down. “Silence was familiar, but it’s oppressive now. Music reminds me of other...unpleasant, things. Running doesn’t help. Punching a bag doesn’t help. Swinging a sledgehammer doesn’t help.” His teeth ground together, his jaws straining as they grit together, the anger he’d been biting down beginning to rear its head, tendrils of it reaching up to light fires in his eyes. “I can’t feel a damn thing anymore other than numbness and a rage that’s settled itself in my bones, anger that flares up when I can’t get this damn restlessness out of my body. It hurts so fucking bad, builds and builds in my bones until it aches, until I want to snap my own bones to get rid of it. But it won’t come out, nothing gets it out of me.” He barked a short, humorless laugh. “Hell, boxing with Sheriff Keller doesn’t even help. It’s controlled, slow, gloved, has too many rules, isn't real, and he wants me to start at the beginning – He’s not wrong, but that type of fighting, it’s the wrong fighting.”

He breathed out fire between clenched teeth, felt the weight of this thing under his skin run through him, forcing him to move for the first time since they got home, sending shockwaves through his body that make him tremble.

“I know I keep blowing up, stupid shit and stupid people making me angry – And there’s no excuse for it, I know that, I’m trying, fuck I’m trying, to control it. But I don’t know how to control this, fuck, this thing that’s gotten shoved between my bones. I’m not allowed what I need, fights like those are illegal for a reason, and damn it, I can’t cope out here! ” His voice had taken a higher pitch toward the end, distress and frustration ringing through clearly as he tried not to fall apart, the ugly truth of the patchwork of his psyche and trauma laid bare.

He was actively trembling now, teeth gritted and bared to the cold night air, tears that stubbornly refused to fall blurring his vision.

Fred hadn’t said anything else, the aggression gone from his form, chased away by horror and sickness, sorrow and rage. Those, too, were fading, becoming a muted background in the shifting earth of the elder's eyes. He straightened from where he’d been leaned against the wall, and somewhere in the distant recesses of his mind Archie marveled at how fathers could do that. How they could look like they had borne the weight of the world and broken under a trial that bent even a titan of old, could move like every fiber of their being was shredded, worn away by life and cruelty alike, and yet still appear as if steel was rigged around their bones, as if they could take the weight of the world and all the cosmos as well with ease, by the force of their will alone. Any frustration or ire he'd felt was gone, locked away behind the unfailing determination and love and care of a father.

He stepped up to his son with slow, measured and sure steps, stood before him and reached out to grasp his hands, used them to pull at him gently, not enough to move him but to ground him while his father looked up at him with earthen eyes turned warm with care, underlined by soft steel manifesting a survivor’s will. “Son…” God, he hadn’t heard a tone like that since he’d been small, ten or so, and had needed his recently separated father to reassure the fears that had manifest into nightmares. He wished he was ten again, back when fondness and patience and the never-ending warmth of his father’s voice telling him he was okay was enough, when the strength shifting beneath it, promising to cradle him and protect him from anything, real or fictitious, had been enough to settle any restlessness in his chest. Calloused hands that had long ago given up music in trade for unforgiving work for the sake of taking care of his family released his own, reached up carefully and gently to cup his jaw. Cradled his face between them, grounded him and urged him to meet older eyes that had seen him grow, had seen too much before him, too much now; eyes that promised the same shield of love and safety that had been promised to a ten-year-old with nightmares that paled in comparison to a now-seventeen-year-old’s reality.

“It’s going to be okay, Archie.” Rough thumbs larger than his own, that could more easily wrap around the neck and strings of a guitar, glanced over his cheeks in a reassuring pattern. He settled, teeth still gritted, eyes still tear-filled, and breaths still hissing out in quiet pain and anger. He settled enough to meet his father’s eyes, enough to lean into the offered embrace. Enough to ground himself in his father’s presence and hear the words uttered in quiet conviction in the space between them. “You’re not alone anymore Arch, we’ll get through this, I promise. It’s going to be okay Son.”

He could feel the urge to shake his head, to deny that, but in the end, he was still only a child, no matter how broken or how badly pieced back together. In the end, he pressed his lips closed tightly as they tried to tremble, he gripped onto his father’s wrists too hard in desperation but wasn’t reprimanded for it. In the end, he crumbled forward and pressed his face into the crook of his father’s neck and shoulder, pressed into him as desperately as a child lost in the seas of fear. In the end, his tears finally fell, born of pain and suffering and anger, and too much time surviving, with quietly gasped breaths of burning air fueling lungs burning in the inferno of his emotions, trying to relieve the pressure of the screams he wasn’t letting out. In the end, Fred Andrews wrapped his arms around Archie and held him, offered a place of refuge and safety as only a father devoted to his child could. He held him close, let him fall apart while he held him together, and devoted himself entirely to healing his son while reassurances and comforts fell from his lips to be muffled in red hair brighter than his own. Archie let himself be ten-years-old again and clung to his father, to safety and love and acceptance and the promise that it would all be okay because his father said so, and Fred vowed silently to make it so.

[sunchosens]

fall with me

pairing: andreil  word count: 1,923 read on ao3

Andrew’s falling.

He’s both falling falling falling into a black abyss and being pinned down. Hands he knows he doesn’t want hold his arms down, trail over his body, making him nauseous. He thrashes and thrashes, slipping further into that black place. A place he knows he can escape to, can bite his lip bloody and hide until it ends. He wants to scream, wants to yell so loud his throat is rubbed raw, wants to punch and cut and hurt and cry.

Maybe he just wants it all to end.

The hands seem to pick up their pace, and Andrew falls faster, almost completely ensconced in the blackness of the abyss awaiting him. That’s when he hears it. Everything seems to slow for a moment. “Andrew,” the voice calls out and Andrew’s being pulled up now. No, no, no this is wrong he thinks. “Andrew,” the voice repeats again, and Andrew sits straight up in bed.

Neil is staring at him, safely on the other side of the bed, his cheek pink and a worried look on his face. “Andrew,” Neil repeats. “You’re crying,” he points out dumbly, like he doesn’t know what else to say, and Andrew drops his face into his hands. He can still feel the hands gripping his skin and the abyss, and now, the wetness on his face.

He shakes his head, drops his hands, stares up at Neil. His knuckles hurt and the mark on Neil’s face are telling him a story of what must have happened. He’s clear over on the other side of the bed, hair ruffled, and face open and distraught.

Hysteria wells up in Andrew. The urge to laugh and cry and hurt are all mixed up in him and he doesn’t know what to do, so he laughs and once he starts, he can’t stop. “Andrew,” Neil says again, sounding like he wants to come to Andrew but doesn’t dare. Andrew doesn’t blame him. He’s not sure what he’s capable of right in this moment, not with the ghosts of past demons crawling under his skin and the still-present urge to just fade away.

He’s not looking at Neil, so he doesn’t see when Neil gets up, just hears him leave the room. Andrew drops his head back in his hands, clenching his hair in his fists. He takes a deep breath, like Bee tells him to, and another and another. By the time Neil returns, Andrew’s fingers hurt from being wound in his hair so tightly but he doesn’t feel like he’s moments from falling into pieces.

Neil hands him a cup, and Andrew takes a long drink from it without even checking what it is. The sting of hot black coffee sears his throat, but Andrew welcomes the pain. Sometimes, Neil puts an ice cube in the drink when he wants Andrew to not burn his mouth, but Andrew appreciates the heat. He looks up, finding Neil back in his spot at the edge of the bed.

He thinks someone else might ask him to explain, but Neil simply sips at his drink, his eyes steady on Andrew. Are you okay, he seems to be asking, and Andrew simply stares back, the best approximation of, Yes I will be, he can give. “I can sleep on the couch,” Neil offers, and Andrew thinks about the idea of another body in bed with him right now. He nods, and Neil doesn’t look upset or disappointed or resigned, just nods once, waiting to see if Andrew wants to give his cup up.

But Andrew grasps onto it like a lifeline, clearing his throat just before Neil reaches the door. “Did I hurt you?” He asks, his throat sore like he’s been screaming. Which maybe he has.

Neil looks over his shoulder, his face already starting to bruise. He looks younger than usual, like the question has taken him by surprise. Andrew hates himself in that moment. “I’m fine,” he says, like Andrew would be able to believe that. “Really.” He doesn’t quite smile at Andrew, but the expression he gives him makes the weight sitting on Andrew’s chest lighten just a hair.

Neil closes the door behind him before Andrew can reach out, force him to stay, hear the count of Neil’s breaths to fall asleep again. Instead, he rolls onto his back, stares at the ceiling and starts counting to a hundred. He doesn’t particularly want to go back to sleep, not by himself anyway, where the uneasiness and nausea lurk, just waiting for another chance to drag him down.

This is how it goes, sometimes. Andrew’s not sure why, just that it is. He and Neil have a developed a routine. Sometimes, he can brush it off, pull Neil back to bed, swallow his memories in the sound of Neil’s breathing and the wind blowing against the window. But sometimes, Andrew thinks he would die if not for the space. He thinks he would choke on the shared breaths and the rustle of another body against the sheets.

And so he stares at the ceiling, counting back down from a hundred and tries to forget who he is.

They don't talk about it the next morning. Kevin doesn’t mention Neil sleeping on the couch and Neil doesn’t mention anything either. They move on, but Andrew doesn’t forget the Incident. It remains an incident in his mind, because he’s never physically attacked Neil, not like this.

Sure, he may have socked him in the stomach a few times when they were first getting to know each other, but Andrew’s never wanted to hurt Neil, not while they were together. He puts on a good face, acts like he’s seconds away from strangling him at any second. Both he and Neil know he’d rather make out with Neil than murder him, and that’s never really been a question.

Andrew logically knows he didn’t mean to hurt Neil.

Still, he curls his hand into a fist and wonders how to fit these two pieces of his life together. He wonders if it’s always going to be like this, constantly worrying about hurting the one person he doesn’t want to hurt. Andrew thinks he would be sick. So he tries to think of solutions, but only one thing comes to mind.

Neil’s slumped on the couch, his eyes glued to the TV, but he looks bored out of his mind. Nicky was here a couple of hours ago and he left on some pointless reality TV show. Apparently Neil’s too lazy to get up and grab the remote, three feet away. It’s one of those lazy Sundays, Neil’s putting his homework off until today and Andrew doesn’t feel as alert as he’d like to.

When he takes a seat, Neil’s rolls his head to get a better look at Andrew, his brow furrowed. “You can’t tell me you’re interested in Million Dollar Listing,” Neil scoffs. “I think I’m actually losing brain cells watching this.”

Andrew resists the urge to roll his eyes, slumping even further down on the couch. The door is locked, the sun is shining and Neil is warm next to him. Andrew’s not sure if he’s ever felt safe, but he might right now. The next thing he knows, he’s laying flat on the couch, a pillow tucked under his head and Neil’s talking on the phone somewhere to the right of him.

Andrew blinks, once, twice and then rolls over. The sun has filtered down, still coating the room in a sheen of gold. Neil’s in the windowsill, phone pressed to his ear, cigarette smoke drifting out of the window. Neil’s voice rolls over him, low and raspy like he just woke up and Andrew thinks he could listen to Neil talk for the rest of his life.

“I don’t know where Kevin is,” he’s saying, and Andrew blinks syruppy slow. Neil glances over at him, the blue of his eyes visible even from where Andrew’s staring at him. He doesn’t give any indication he’s seen Andrew and turns back to the window. Andrew thinks absently that Neil’s hair looks like fire in the sun.

Neil sighs, long and heavy. “No, I’m not going to call him.” He stubs out his cigarette and Andrew feels seconds away from slipping asleep. Neil scoffs harshly, and Andrew opens his eyes again to see Neil’s fist clenching around the sill of the window. “No,” Neil snaps, sounding more irritated than warranted.

Sleep is slipping through Andrew’s fingers and the more he blinks, the more he’s sure Neil’s holding his phone. If it were anyone else, he would be mad, but right now, all he can do is stare at Neil’s profile. Neil sighs again, heavy, and says, “Fine,” snapping Andrew’s phone shut without saying goodbye. He turns his head into the dying sun and Andrew thinks wildly he doesn’t want to die.

Dying would mean losing Neil and losing this... thing, tentative as it may be. Andrew’s familiarizing himself with the absence of apathy, with caring about living or dying. Some days it hurts, like a knife is being stabbed in his stomach. Other days, like today, Andrew thinks he needs feeling like he needs to breathe.

Neil’s looking his way again and Andrew pushes himself up, running hands through his hair. Neil gives a half-grin, wry, and tosses Andrew his phone. He watches it drop to the sofa, making no move to grab it.

“Nicky called,” Neil speaks, like that explains anything. Andrew raises an eyebrow, and Neil gets up from the windowsill. He doesn’t move, but Neil sits beside him anyway, their knees knocking together. “He wanted to know if we wanted to watch a movie.” The haze of confusion lifts and Andrew finds himself not caring.

He’s more interested in sliding his hands underneath Neil’s shirt, feeling the familiar scarred skin that pulls in his gut. This is familiar and Andrew feels grounded. Neil is warm and solid, but he goes pliant under Andrew’s hands, letting him direct Neil where he wants. “Yes,” he murmurs before Andrew can open his mouth, and he ducks in to kiss Neil hard, punishing.

Neil arches up into him, warm welcoming willing, and Andrew brushes his hands down Neil’s body. This is real and Neil is eager under his hands. The rest of the night floats by in a tangle of hands clutched in clothing and Neil trying to sit up to make dinner and Kevin eventually banging on the door ordering to be let in.

That night, Andrew settles in his bed back to the wall and watches as Neil adjusts his sweatpants lower on his hips. When Neil meets his eyes, he doesn’t move, but watches as Neil crawls into his bed anyways.

He settles across from Andrew, close enough to touch but not touching. He’s staring across the bed, eyes glacial. “I can leave whenever you want,” he mutters, blinking twice. Andrew simply stares him down, waiting for Neil to get the message. Finally closing his eyes, Andrew watches Neil’s face smooth out. The furrows in his brow fade and his face eases into something calmer and younger.

Andrew resists the urge to reach out and drift his fingers across Neil’s forehead, something fiercely protective rising up in his chest. Neil shifts slightly, a sigh escaping his mouth. Andrew closes his eyes, finding himself counting Neil’s breaths. He drifts off, the steady rush of Neil's life next to him and the soft turn of the fan echoing in his ears.

[jojen-hewitt]

Here's my @aftgexchange summer gift for @boydsten , who asked for Andreil with kids!

I hope you like it!

I've included some personal headcanons about this particular Minyard-Josten child under the cut, but I will also recommend these two amazing kidfics; A Legacy of Two by ninaalegre and Noah Minyard-Josten by Aleekae, if you haven't read them yet. Admittedly a few of my headcanons are borrowed or inspired by them so.. Yeah.

Happy Summer! :D

I have a lot of headcanons about Andreil and this kid, and sweet heavens this became really long and rambley, but I think I got the important stuff covered, so enjoy at your leisure. 

His name is was Kyle Wicker (now Minyard-Josten) and he was brought to them when he was seven after he was abandoned by his adoptive parents at Renee's church.

She lives a couple cities over and when she realizes her two former teammates actually live closer to Kyle's old school, she gets it cleared with all authorities to have him reside there until other arrangements can be made.

Andrew tells her not to get any clever ideas, it's just temporary (he gets one look at how scared, scarred, and young he is, Andrew and Neil's inner Wymacks kick in, and rather suddenly he turns back on his statement to Renee)

Kyle is freaked out by people bigger than him, (when he first meets Kevin he actually cries, but Matt went smoother just because Matt is ... Matt) so the rather short heights work in their favour; although it takes a while for him to open up or trust them.

He first does with Andrew after he has a nightmare a few days in and Andrew just makes him a hot chocolate and they don't really talk in detail about anything, but they kind of reach an understanding that Andrew gets him and he's safe here. He knows not to touch Andrew and Andrew returns that in kind until they just naturally accept casual contact from each other. He understands Andrews blank nature and doesn't take the apathy personally as he gets older.

With Neil, the bonding is a bit easier (despite Neil's discomfort with kids for the most part) since they automatically connect through the Exy thing ("Good Christ, not another one.") and their similar burn scars (not going into detail, but his old foster parents' extremely sick sense of humour and his last name Wicker lead to some pretty permanent reminders of those years with them). The two share stories and Neil feels like he's playing the Truth game all over again, but it fits nicely.

Once Kyle learns partially how Neil got his scars/his past, the kid just embraces Neil as his own personal Batman or James Bond, fighting the evil mob bosses and surviving to roast someone on tv the next day. Neil is a little proud of this (at least he doesn’t scare the kid).

Neil and Andrew have a rocky start taking him in and adjusting; something that would have been much worse if they didn't already have some experience babysitting the other Fox kids. They both are relatively new to the whole idea of "happy" or "safe" or "family" so providing that to another, smaller, more easily affected human being with his own personal baggage (that may or may not bring back up their personal baggage) is, to put it simply, tough. It's not the easiest ride for any of them, but they find a way to adjust and live together in relative peace and comfort.

Also Kyle loves the cats. Like LOVES them! He accepted himself as one of them the minute they first came into his new/then guest room to cuddle. When he's older he tells people that the cats raised him (to which Andrew says than the cats can buy him his new fucking racquet next time, but he only half means it).

He calls Neil Dad (and Neil at first and for a long time kinda freaks out inside and with Andrew about it, but he's fine now... seriously fine too, not Neil fine) and he calls Andrew Vati (because papa and the like just sounded off directed at Andrew, but so did just calling him Andrew, so when he learnt from Nicky that Vati or Vater is dad in German, they all collective decided that worked)

When they adopt him, and he opens up a bit more, they find he grows up to be like a scary combination of Neil's snark (Exy gods help the press that harass this boy; they already call him Josten 2.0), Andrew's immovable patience and blunt honesty, and Matt's carefree smiles and kindness - towards people he likes at least ("How did he come out so nice?" "I don't know, Aaron. Almost like he grew up in a decent place and has the genetic material of other people, huh?")

Speaking of, Aaron and Matt are tied for favourite uncle (Aaron sneaking by because he's most like Andrew, personality wise, and also he gets him cool books for Christmases and birthdays)

He likes Nicky too, since Nicky helped him learn some important facts and phrases about Germany for a school project and Kyle agrees to rat to him whenever he catches Vati smile, so fast friends 

(even though there was that brief stunt where Andrew and Aaron -with Neil's help, the traitor- had straight face convinced Kyle Nicky preferred to only be referred to as Uncle Pavo... which is rude, and Nicky rightfully would've bitched at his cousins if Kyle didn't look so happy and confidant saying it when they meet).

Obviously he loves the girls (and he would be pressed to argue who his favourite Aunt is, but it would probably be Renee because she gave him this life to begin with technically. Plus she died his hair orange and white when he was 16 for his school championships -and to help grease the wheels for Aunt Dan, but more on that later-)

(Also, as pictured above, Andrew knew and was chill with it till he saw the colour... Damn orange will haunt him for life. Neil didn't know, but loved the colours. They're a balanced family, you see.)

Grandpa Wymack and Grandma Abby take a while to earn those titles just because he's still rather nervous around older, taller, and in Wymack's case, tougher looking people when they meet the first few times (and they don't Skype like the rest of the Fox family, so it takes a while for him to accumulate to them), but they eventually become the go to confidants about anything he doesn't want to bother Andrew and Neil with (from secret gifts for the dads to "I'm scared I'm making the wrong choice in courses" to "oh my god I don't know how to ask this person out and Vati said just threaten to shove them off a roof, help!")

and they have the couch to crash on when he's in South Carolina

Jean and Jeremy are the cool family friends who send nice cards and sometimes French hot chocolate and strangely, but rather full heartedly, encourage the "cats raised you" mentality (Jeremy because he thinks it's adorable and Jean because he laughs at how indignant Neil gets when he hears it).

He's cool with Kevin (despite the crying and the vague starstruck attitude he first had with him), but - and maybe this is the Andrew influence talking - he sometimes finds the constant Exy talk to get too overwhelming. He's known to just call it Stickball around Kevin's family with all seriousness just to annoy them (Andrew sneaks him extra dessert when he does) He gets along with Kevin's offspring too, even if he has also adapted his dads' tolerance for being bossed around the Exy court (or backyard court) by a Day; see: none.

Speaking of Exy, Kyle loves it (in the 7 year old way of he loves the sport, likes his favourite team, but has no clue who any player is but Kevin and Kayleigh Day, so was shocked and kinda in love with the fact that Neil used to play for said favourite team), but he never played himself until he moved in with Andreil.

He started his first couple years of little league as a striker - he's great at it and this makes Neil smile more than he thought it would (damn Kevin for being right, it is kinda great watching a future champion grow up) - but switches to goalkeeper when he's 10/11.

(which Neil complains about only a couple of times ("But he was so good, Andrew." "Yeah, so? You were a backliner in little league. The kid changed his mind, accept it." "You're right you're right... Just he's so fast." "Ugh!") but he accepts that it's still Exy and at least Kyle and Andrew can bond more.)

Plus even if it wasn't Exy, they would've been cool with it.

Plus plus, he's an even better goalkeeper than striker, as a mix of Minyard tactics with Josten Exy enthusiasm. 

Foxes are Kyle's favourite animal aside from cats (even before he meet the team, but it definitely amplified once he did).

He stole his dads old fox merch (mainly Neil's) when they officially adopted him, even when it was too big for him.

He painted his room orange and white. He had a bunch of stuffed foxes (all unofficially named after former team members).

He watched almost every Fox game of his dads' years, especially the ones against the Trojans and the Ravens.

He almost chose to have Fox as a middle name when they gave him the option during the adoption (he went with Robin though; 1) Aunt Robin is awesome 2) He's kinda a not so secret Batman nerd and when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up the answer was "An Exy player or Nightwing" and 3) because like hell Andrew was allowing the obsession to go that far).

He wants to the join the Foxes when he's in college.

But, like the rest of the Foxes, and despite Neil's fears (and Andrew's hesitance in his capabilities as a caretaker), he's turned out to not qualify for a spot on the team.

So of course he tried other tactics like the hair and he once tried to plead to Aunt Dan that in fact the first five years of life that he can remember should be enough reason to allow him to join ("Sorry kiddo, no dice. You're too Kit now to be a Fox.")

Sorta side note, the children of the old Foxes are all called Kits and Allison sends them all handmade "Palmetto State Kits" jerseys with their parents numbers (Kyle got 13 because 10 and 3; a number he carries through all his Exy teams) When he's young, he wears his to school whenever he can and only stops when it needs a wash or he grows out of it.

He's very close with Matt and Dan's family. Their middle child is his age and they talk all the time. When their teams face each other in Exy matches, they always run and talk to each other in the middle of the court between goals and halves. Basically Boyd/Josten Brotp 2.0

Matt usually sits with Neil in the crowd during these games (when they can) and cries every time the game brings them close ("Oh my God!! Neil, did you see your baby block my baby's shot?!” “Yeah Matt! I saw! Beautiful.” “That was beautiful! Holy shit! It happened again! Are you seeing this?! They highfived!!" “KYLE! Hug the competition after the game not when they make a goal!” “That was a great goal though!” “Agreed, but still!”)

they still hug it out whenever one of them does a cool thing. Their teams hate when they play each other because of it.  Not like they don’t try to slaughter each other game wise, but again, they celebrate each other’s badass moments without pause. And when one wins, you would think the other was on their team too with the exuberance they congratulate the other.

He grows up to be about Kevin's height, much to the shock to some who were expecting another tiny Minyard-Josten.

He also inherits Andrew's sweet tooth to the point where Neil's kinda convinced he's never going to win the "should we get ice cream on the way home from practice" debate ever again.

I'll stop there. Again, there is a lot more, but I definitely have already rambled enough. Sorry.