#actually i did buy myself a little keychain today while i was out :)

[ectopuppy]

almost bought him today

its like 400 bucks tho so i didn’t but now i am feeling regret :(

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really good day. I'm a little tired but not as bad as I have been the last few days. The most thing I'm annoyed about is that my eyeliner won't stop melting. I got a new one and it's supposed to be the exact same as the one I always use but for some reason it is melting all over my eyelids. Which is very uncomfortable. But besides that it was great.

I slept okay last night. Waking up was a little hard but not as bad as it has been. I got dressed and I love my outfit. I was a little unsure about weather because it seemed chilly outside but it was supposed to go up to almost 80°. And it was going to rain but not for the whole day. But the outfit I ended up with I felt very cute. Specifically because I was going to match my table and that was very important to me.

James stopped to get us breakfast. For the second day in a row they asked for our order then went away for a minute and a second person came back and asked for our order again. Very bizarre. And then we went to the museum. James helped me bring some stuff over and it didn't take very long to set up my table because I had done all the planning beforehand. And I was thrilled with how it looked. First thing before I even said anything up though I went and gave Ann a hug and told her how great her hair looks all grown out and curly. So cute. And then I was helping some people with their tents and it was drizzling a little bit but it wasn't too bad. I was really excited to share with everyone my new products and my new branding strategy and all of the things that I learned and did. And just telling people about our honeymoon. That was really exciting to get to share that with everyone.

Some people didn't show up that were supposed to and that was very annoying. The parking lot was full and I'm not going to call out anyone but a particular vendor that was asked to be there, paid to be there, was very rude. We were having some problems with electricity and we were trying to figure out how to get their spot power because they needed it for the thing that they were doing and all of a sudden the person running the stall came over and said that waiting any longer was unacceptable. And it's just like dude they're trying to figure it out and he kept asking well what are you doing. And I'm just like calm down. It was fine. He was pretty obnoxious and I hope that they don't have them come back late while the guests loved it I was not a fan.

That's actually the second time I've been in a market with them and they work very nice to me either when I talk to them then. Just as like hey we are both artists working here. But whatever. Some people just have bad people skills but are good with kids I have met many of those over my years of working.

I had a great morning though. I had the same anxiety and feelings that I always have at the market that I'm not going to make any sales and I failed as an artist and I'm wasting everyone's time and everyone's mad at me. But it was only 9:10 when I had sold anything it was having these feelings so I knew I was being silly. I brought some stuff to work on. I'm finishing up my knit piece and sewing down all those edges and I brought a whole bunch of bears that I had cut out that I wanted to finish. And I was very proud of myself that I did buy 1:00 finish all the bears that I had brought. And it was like down to the wire with the one. But I got them all done and I'm very happy.

And I did make sales. Stickers were very popular and I'm really excited about that because I would love to order more of the styles I've designed. I ended up selling almost 15 stickers and four stuffed animals and a few keychains. Everyone also really loved my free candy that I brought. And only one person tried my gumball machine for a discount but it was fun to experiment with it. I think it will work better when I have more of the wooden marble I'm hoping to stop at the dollar store tomorrow and see if they have them. If not I will continue to look.

I did have some really nice conversations with people and just enjoyed people watching. We had a lot of returners. I have a lot of repeat customers from last year. A few families who own multiples of my bears and frogs. And just people saying nice things about my work which always feels good. But there was also a lot of brand new people who have never seen before. And a couple new vendors so that was exciting. I also just loved talking to the people I've known for a long time now. Like Ginny and Helen. And it was just a good day.

I had gone inside because I was short some of the birth certificates for my bears and James printed them for me. And they told me they were going to get a quesadilla from lunch from the next Mexican ladies. But by 11:30 I realized they still had not come outside and I didn't want them to miss lunch so I went and ordered us quesadillas and they were so good. A little pricey but honestly my mouth is watering just thinking about them. Though I was a little sad that my teeth on my left side hurt and I don't know why because they're all crowns. They should not hurt. But one of them seems to be exposing the metal and I don't know what that means or what I should do about it. Like the porcelain has come off of it. I think that their porcelain over metal but I'm not entirely sure how they are made.

I brought James there quesadilla and they seemed very excited. And I went outside and finished my final hour. And it was great. I had a great conversation with Stanley and Bob. And we talked about Alaska and how beautiful it was and some of my branding this year and how I'm excited to make everything food themed. And I really just felt good. I didn't feel as exhausted. I was still a little out of it but I wasn't as like dizzy tired as I had been.

Cleaning up took an extra couple minutes. I didn't have my wagon with me so I had to make two trips to the car. But it's fine it's not heavy. And then I went inside to say goodbye to James and told Angie I would see her later. And then I went home.

When I got back here I had a snack and watched a video. And got changed into a house dress. I tried to fix my eyeliner to try to figure out why it is melting but I have no idea and it's making my eyelids feel very sticky and dry. I don't know how something can be both sticky and dry. And then I slept for a while.

When I woke up James was home and they came and gave me a hug. And then we had dumplings for dinner. Hung out on the couch. I got dressed in my wedding event nice long dress. Fixed my eyeliner again. And then headed out.

And it was a really fun night I didn't have as many like big exciting conversations as sometimes I do. It was more of a struggle to get people to come back. But the people I did talk to were lovely. They were all like oh my God what's your background why do you know all this. A couple people thought that it was the end of my work day and that I was being held up by them talking to me and I was like no no the couple paid for me to be here. Please ask me questions I would love to share with things with you. And I did have some nice conversations about camp and sharing some information with a couple of people who are teachers about field trips there and the work that I'm doing for the Native American program. And I had a good time. I did do some cleaning of the banister in the machine shop because it was really dirty but it just made it more sticky. Like the finish has been taken off and it was awful. And I don't know how to fix that. It needs like rubbing alcohol or something I think. But I had a really nice night and I sat with Angie for a while and then she said I could go home.

And I'm almost home now. Talk to text is a dream. Because it's very hard for me sometimes to focus on writing my post. But I also don't love doing talk to text with James around. I just feel awkward about it. So I'm glad I can do this before I get home. And I'm hoping tonight to just chill and have a nice time laying around and tomorrow I don't have to work until the evening so I'm hoping to just do some cleaning at the apartment and maybe go to the museum early to roller skate and I have to go to the dollar store up there anyway and maybe I'll go to the thrift store who knows. But I just hope that this trend of me already feeling a little bit better continues and I just have a restful day and I feel good and I feel happy. I hope that you all feel happy as well. Sleep well everybody. Be safe out there. Good night.

[petalsonmoon]

first love is a little foolish. dangerous when it’s also the last.

(english is not my first language so my sincere apologies. gwen didn’t die and they just broke up. life happens).

"getting married seem scary."

you walk with a slow pace without direction, just enjoying how beautiful the hotel garden is.

“perhaps” he answers.

“i mean they know each other since high school. we” you gesticulate and he lets out a small laugh “we actually watched their love grow during it. we were there so we know they will last. we know their love is real and true.”

“so you’re saying because we’re old now we won’t have that.”

he looks at you and you take a deep breath as if you were thinking about the answer that was on the tip of your tongue “yeah.”

the lightness in your conversation makes you not want to stop talking “no. i’m just saying that being an adult is just… too serious. i can’t help but feel childish using the word crush to describe someone i like.”

he tilts his head with a small smile on his face. he haven’t change one bit.

“you may have a point.”

“right???”

“but we can find true love as an adult… and we have the maturity and perception of the world that makes a relationships last.” he points to where the party was happening with his head “they were just lucky. and had time on their favor.”

"wise words.”

“i know you remember i was the top student of our class” you roll your eyes at his words.

a breeze hits you as if it wanted to show that it was listening to your conversation.

“i just really miss the simplicity of high school." the drink in your hand was starting to feel warm. you take a sip and feel the alcohol warm you up.

"it's a way to put it."

you lean against the wall outside the hotel. "you don't agree?"

"i didn't say that."

"but you have your remarks." you see an almost imperceptible smile on his face.

"it was simple because we didn't have to worry about reality so much. but i really don't miss being that emotionally vunerable. yikes" he grimaced.

he stops walking in front of you. he looks at the ground like he’s lost in his own head, as if he were thinking about the reason for saying what he said. it’s easy to come to the conclusion that he is the most beautiful man of the party. the most beautiful you've ever seen if you're being honest to yourself.

but like he said, let's not let our emotions speak louder.

"well some of us didn't date the most beautiful girl of the entire school at the time, parker" hearing his laugh takes you directly to 6 years ago, when you both were still in high school. "some of us were actually losers."

"you were not a loser." he protests.

"oh i was more than that. i was a nobody."

"that's dramatic." he looks at you with a teasing smile but with a gentle voice. something about this man makes you wanna tell him all your secrets and insecurities because you were sure he would never judge you or your choices. "i saw you."

"did you?"

"of course." he frowns lighly. "your headphones were like a part of you, an organ. you got angry very easily with your loose hair so you always ended up tying it. you had this keychain that always announced when you were getting close, and it was really sweet how you never once forgot to give me a good morning before bending down to your locker bellow mine."

if he had continued you were certain your eyes would have filled with tears.

"but you didn't really see me, did you?" you whisper.

his eyebrows rose lightly and you understood it as a sign of confusion. you would never see him again after today, so why not?

"i was too in love with you, parker."

one thing that haven't changed about him was that peter looked into your eyes while you talked to him. he pays attention to people. he listens.

"when you started skateboarding, i made a promise to myself to learn and buy one just so we could have that in common." you laugh a little, trying to distract yourself from the pressure of being watched intensely. "when you appeared with those bruises and black eyes from god knows what i felt i should talk to you, like maybe it would help. i always tried to distract you so you’d smile at least once during a tough day."

you really wish you had a bottle of champagne on your hand right now.

"i couldn't do much because... you know."

you couldn't look away from his tie but you were able to see him nodding. he was in a relationship for gods sake. a beautiful one.

despite everything, your head being like a hurricane of thoughts your racing heart and warm body, you smile. "you broke my heart, peter parker. but you were also the reason for it feeling lighter."

you confessed and yet the chocolate brown of his eyes was cozy. it's impossible not to like Peter Parker.

he takes a deep breath. the next few seconds are filled with an indescribable silence and it's almost as if nothing had happened.

in a slow movement he takes his hand to your free one. he takes it gently but doesn't make any more movements, just watches your hands interlocked.

"saving up to buy a skateboard. such a loser."

"ridiculous."

"and did you learn?"

"a little. but the uncertainty of not knowing if i wouldn’t just fall and die didn't let me learn completely."

he scoffs. "you're unbearably dramatic."

"i'm just saying you can fall from that thing and hit your head on the corner of a table. it’s so dangerous."

you hardly notice his thumb caressing in your hand. the butterflies in your stomach were making a mess.

jesus y/n you're an adult. what is this.

“i see you now.” his voice is so sincere that you can't divert your eyes from his.

“it’s the first time we see each other in 6 years, pretty boy.”

you don’t really know why your voices are so low. but it makes you feel like you’re in your own little world.

“and yet” he takes a step forward and a breeze hits you, as if she were encouraging the both of you. “you are childishly blushing right now.”

you lower your head, leaning your forehead on his shoulder. you don’t really know what to say anymore.

“it’s okay to feel nervous around a crush, lovely”

you silently laugh “you’re always so calm.”

“so you’re not hearing my heart going insane over there?”

with his free hand he raises your head until you find his eyes. mesmerizing.

his forehead meets yours. you could feel his thumb caressing your cheek.

and so he kisses you. a warm and slow kiss. it has a meaning though you can’t really understand it yet.

you feel a drop of water on your forehead but you take your time to slip up. there’s no rush.

he moves away and hugs you tight. your heart relaxes.

[cheri-translates]

[Fan-created Texts] Day 57 - Day 79

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for e-mails which have not been released in English servers! 🍒

These are fan-created texts by 夏月_mleila on Weibo, based on Gavin’s 100 Day Event e-mails, and she has given me permission to translate them!

She started from Day 57, and skipped certain days!

[ DAY 57 ]

Eli said that the picture I’m using as my phone wallpaper would have looked even better if the angle was tilted slightly. What does he know? You look pretty no matter what.

-

Gavin: Eli said that the picture I’m using as my phone wallpaper would have looked even better if the angle was tilted slightly. 

Gavin: What does he know? You look pretty no matter what.

MC: Haha, is that how you responded to him?

Gavin: No, I couldn’t be bothered to waste my breath on him. I just added his name to the 50km field training.

MC: ...isn’t that a little too harsh?

Gavin: He won’t learn if I’m not harsh. It’s not his place to comment on you.

MC: Maybe he was just giving suggestions out of kindness?

MC: This way, he might never dare to talk to you again

Gavin: Actually, he was already supposed to go for the field training. I just used this opportunity to discipline him.

Gavin: It’s even better if I don’t mention it. It’d save him from speaking nonsense the entire day.

MC: Poor Eli!

MC: I’m secretly celebrating that you aren’t my leader.

Gavin: ...I definitely wouldn’t do that to you.

MC: I know, I was just kidding

MC: Thank you for saying that I’m pretty, and that I look pretty no matter what (*/ω \*)

Gavin: What’s that bunch of characters at the end?

MC: It’s a shy expression

Gavin: There’s no need to be shy, you’ve always looked pretty

MC: ( *^ 3 ^) / ~☆

Gavin: What does that mean?

MC: It’s a kiss!

Gavin: Cough...

Gavin:  ( *^ 3 ^) / ~☆

Gavin: I just remembered that I have to settle some matters. See you after work.

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

Eli’s Post: I was already very careful with my words and actions, but I didn’t expect to tip the boat over anyway... I really meant it out of goodwill

MC: I don’t know how to comfort you, so here’s an “All the Best”!

Gavin: Do you have any objections?

Eli @ Gavin: Nope, I’ll comply with my superior’s arrangements.

Minor: I suddenly feel incomparably at peace. Did something happen?

-

[ DAY 58 ]

It does feel different eating ice-cream when the weather is cold. But it isn’t good for your stomach, so I’m confiscating half.

-

Gavin: You bought ice-cream again?

MC: Yup. Kiki recommended it this time - she says this brand’s matcha flavour is incredibly delicious!

MC: I’ve had a few bites. The feeling of eating ice-cream in autumn and summer are completely different. 

MC: It doesn’t melt as quickly, and it’s even more cooling and icy in the mouth.

Gavin: It does feel different eating ice-cream when the weather is cold. But it isn’t good for your stomach, so I’m confiscating half.

MC: (｡•́︿•̀｡)

MC: I knew you’d say that, so I only bought one stick per flavour!

MC: Officer Gavin, please show mercy...

Gavin: In that case, you can eat half of it. I’ll eat the remaining half.

MC: Tch. Is this just an excuse so you can eat it?

Gavin: What do you think?

MC: Fine...

Gavin: Wait till the weekend when I’m with you before eating it.

MC: You don’t trust me!

Gavin: It’s not that I don’t trust you. Did you forget how your stomach hurt so much last month that you couldn’t even stand?

Gavin: If you don’t listen to me again, I’ll get angry, and will no longer be your human heater.

MC: Even though that’s what you say, I know you wouldn’t do that!

MC: How could you bear to see your girlfriend feeling awful yet brush her aside!

Gavin: I care about you, but won’t indulge you. Will you listen to me obediently?

MC: Yes! I’ll solemnly carry out Officer Gavin’s instructions, and will firmly resist the temptation of ice-cream.

Gavin: Good. If you manage to perform well, the reward will be a sumptuous meal over the weekend. What do you want to eat?

MC: Really? I want to have hotpot!

Gavin: Okay. When the time comes, I’ll make a reservation in advance.

MC: Gavin is truly good, Gavin is the best, Gavin is the best boyfriend in the world!

Gavin: Cough...

Gavin: Remember not to eat ice-cream on the sly.

MC: As you command! Hotpot, here I come!

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

MC’s Post: To deal with indecisiveness, the best solution is to get one of every flavour!

Kiki: Matcha flavour! I strongly recommend the matcha flavour!

Minor: Boss, are you buying ice-cream on the sly again? Be careful of Bro Gavin’s criticisms.

MC @ Minor: He wouldn’t criticise me. He only criticises you.

-

[ DAY 59 ]

If you feel cold, you can put your hands into my pocket anytime.

-

MC: Why is it so cold this autumn! I’m prepared to snatch up a pair gloves on 11/11!

Gavin: So why were you more willing to ball your hands into little fists than to place them into my pocket?

MC: Anna and the others were around, so it'd have been so embarrassing...

Gavin: There’s no need to feel embarrassed. 

Gavin: If you feel cold, you can put your hands into my pocket anytime.

MC: My ice-cold hands are all ready. Where’s the pocket?

Gavin: I’m going for a mission soon, and I can’t leave.

MC: So it isn’t “anytime”, you big liar!

Gavin: Don’t be anxious, let me think.

Gavin: I could order you a cup of hot milk tea first. After the mission is over, I’ll look for you immediately, okay?

MC: I was just teasing you! I have a hot glass of water accompanying me right now.

MC: I know that if I don’t take good care of myself, a certain person’s heart will ache, right?

Gavin: Right.

MC: And when a certain person’s heart aches, I’ll be very upset too. So I'll definitely take care of myself!

MC: I won’t disturb you. Go do your thing, and be safe on your mission.

Gavin: Mm. After work, my pocket and I will pick you up.

MC: Okay! My hands and I will be waiting for the two of you.

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

MC: With you, every day is warm.

Minor: Summer must be pretty hot then?

MC @ Minor: @Gavin, I’m leaving him to you.

Minor: Boss, don’t do that, I was just kidding!

-

[ DAY 60 ]

This morning, I realised that the tallest tree in the city had white leaves. When I leaned over to take a look, I saw that they were white frost.

-

MC: Giving you a hug

Gavin: What happened?

MC: The weather is so cold, so it must be even colder in the sky, right?

MC: Could you promise me one thing?

Gavin: What is it?

MC: Before the weather turns warm, aside from work purposes, could you not use your Evol if you don’t have to?

MC: Even though I know that you’ll definitely take good care of yourself, there are certain times when you really neglect your health for work.

MC: I’m proud of how much you’ve achieved, but I’m even more worried about your body! Do you understand what I’m saying?

MC: I accidentally said too much. I’m such a nag, haha.

Gavin: No, I don’t find you to be a nag at all. Actually, I’m really happy.

Gavin: Thank you. Thank you for being understanding and caring for me. 

Gavin: Before, I always felt like being on my own was all right, and that I could be freer alone.

Gavin: But ever since being with you, I experienced the warmth and strength of love.

Gavin: ...this time, it’s my turn to say too much.

MC: Shouldn’t family members care for each other? I care for you because you care for me too.

Gavin: You view me as a family member?

MC: ? Weren’t we family members since a long time ago?

Gavin: Yes, I’m someone who has a family now.

MC: Gavin...

Gavin: There’s no need to worry. I'll take proper care of myself so my girl wouldn’t be distressed.

Gavin: It’s late. Rest soon, goodnight.

MC: Mm, goodnight.

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

Gavin’s Post: This morning, I realised that the tallest tree in the city had white leaves. When I leaned over to take a look, I saw that they were white frost.

Minor: It’s Frost’s Descent - Gavin, remember to keep warm.

MC @ Minor: You know what Frost’s Descent is?

MC: Next time, ride Sparky back from work. If it gets colder, we can take the train together.

-

[ DAY 61 ]

The picture you sent me yesterday wasn’t a wolf. It’s a Czechoslovakian Wolfdog - a breed of dog which is very loyal and tame.

-

[ Yesterday, 11.12pm ]

MC: 

MC: I swear that I'm not sleeping late. It’s just that my phone recommended this sticker to me, and I find it really cool.

MC: After looking at this wolf, I thought about you, so I sent it to you.

MC: There’s no need to reply, I’ve already gone to sleep!

[ Today, 12:17pm ]

Gavin: Sorry, I just saw your messages.

Gavin: The picture you sent me yesterday wasn’t a wolf. It’s a Czechoslovakian Wolfdog - a breed of dog which is very loyal and tame.

MC: Really? It looks so much like a wolf!

Gavin: That’s because it’s a hybrid between a wolf and a dog. But there are still differences.

MC: Could you tell me more?

Gavin: The main differences between the two would be their ears and tails.

Gavin: The Czechoslovakian Wolfdog’s ears are much larger than a wolf’s ears. Their tails have a curl, while wolves don’t.

MC: Which means without a reference picture, it’d be difficult to differentiate them.

Gavin: That’s right. The lines are very blurry. If there’s a reference picture, it’d be much clearer.

Gavin: But they are violent dogs, so many cities in the country prohibit rearing them. And they belong to a rare breed, so the chances of seeing them are quite low.

MC: I've got it, thank you for the lesson, Teacher Gavin.

Gavin: I sense that you’re more interested in wolves than before?

MC: That’s right, because it’s your guardian animal!

MC: As long as anything is related to you, I’m interested in it.

Gavin: Same for me.

MC: I welcome Teacher Gavin to share more of such interesting tidbits of knowledge with me.

Gavin: Mm, if it’s something I know, I’ll tell you.

MC: Okay, I’ll be an obedient and good student.

-

[ DAY 63 ]

When I was tidying the room, I found the champion prize from last year’s STF long-distance race in autumn. It’s a keychain of a running military dog.

-

MC: Are you home?

[ Today, 10:02 ]

MC: ? You aren’t back yet?

[ Today, 10:13 ]

MC: Is your phone turned off?

MC: Remember to reply when you see this - I’m waiting for you!

[ Today, 10:18 ]

Gavin: Sorry for making you worry. My phone ran out of battery. I just found the wire to charge it.

MC: It’s okay as long as you’re fine, and safe at home.

Gavin: Mm, I'm fine. Tiny Blackie dragged it underneath the sofa, so I spent a long time searching for it...

MC: Haha, was it throwing a fuss since you were only looking at your phone?

Gavin: Maybe. When I was looking for it, I made a mess out of the house. I was worried you wouldn’t be able to contact me...

MC: It’s all right. Aren't I contacting you right now?

Gavin: Next time, this wouldn’t happen again. I promise.

MC: Mm, I also promise that you’ll be able to contact me anytime.

Gavin: Oh yes. When I was tidying the room, I found the champion prize from last year’s STF long-distance race in autumn. It’s a keychain of a running military dog.

MC: You’re so amazing! You always emerge the champion in every competition. Unlike me, who can’t even run 800-metres.

Gavin: You’ve already made a large improvement. Long-distance running requires endurance, and that requires time to gradually build up.

MC: Mm. That keychain must be really cool, right?

Gavin: If you like it, I can give it to you.

MC: No need, That’s a badge of honour belonging to you.

Gavin: Silly. Whatever is mine is yours. Even I belong to you.

MC: Cough...

MC: Rest early, I’m shy (I’m not!)

Gavin: Mm, goodnight, my cute girl.

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

MC’s Post: Ah... wjzbytkx, awslzsl..., He called me..., I’m so happy!!!

Minor: Boss, has a virus entered your input system?

Gavin: That’s only if I’m considered a virus.

MC @ Gavin: Please don’t speak anymore, and let me calm down!

-

[ DAY 65 ]

I changed a new driving playlist recently. Those songs you recommended - I like them very much.

-

MC: Knock knock knock, is Student Gavin there?

Gavin: Here.

MC: Could I ask Student Gavin if he wishes to eat little cakes made by me?

Gavin: Yes.

MC: What? I can’t sense Student Gavin’s enthusiasm! (please type a few more words!)

Gavin: Mm, I really want to eat the little cakes you make.

Gavin: What made you think of making them?

MC: Today, Anna brought little lemon cakes she made, and I thought they were really delicious.

MC: So I asked her how to make them, and am planning to make them for you over the weekend.

Gavin: Sure. In that case, we’ll buy the ingredients together during the weekend.

MC: I’ll warn you in advance - don’t harbour high expectations, because Anna mentioned that there’s some difficulty involved, and you know that I...

Gavin: It’s okay, we’ll make them together.

MC: Is there a difference if the two of us do it together?

Gavin: Mm... doesn’t seem so.

MC: Haha, so what if our cooking skills are poor? We have self-awareness!

Gavin: Oh yes, I changed a new driving playlist recently. Those songs you recommended - I like them very much.

MC: Do you have the song “Running with the Wind”?

Gavin: Mm, yes.

MC: Haha, I can kind of picture it.

MC: I heard a new song yesterday. When I heard it, I thought of you, so I’ll send you a link.

MC: -sends link to a song called “Chasing the Wind”-

Gavin: Okay, I’ve received it.

MC: Remember not to turn the volume up too loudly while driving.

Gavin: All right, I'll take note.

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

Gavin’s Post: I think of you when I hear the songs you recommended.

MC: Be safe! (incredibly loudly)

Gavin @ MC: Got it. (incredibly loudly)

-

[ DAY 66 ]

In the movie we watched yesterday, I keep thinking that werewolves are even more dashing and decisive than vampires.

-

MC: How was it? Did you manage to coax the kid into being happy?

Gavin: Don’t bring it up - it was even more tiring than being out on a mission.

MC: Haha, the stories didn’t work? I really loved listening to them when I was young.

MC: Also, with such a dashing Big Brother telling her stories, why wasn't she happy?

MC: If I were here, I’d definitely be overjoyed.

Gavin: Maybe I didn't put in enough emotions when telling the story. In the end, a colleague brought candy over to coax her.

MC: As expected, no matter how old a person is, they are defenceless against delicacies.

Gavin: Do you want to hear it? If you do, I could tell it to you.

MC: Sure!

Gavin: Are you done with work?

MC: Mm, I’m slacking a little and reading the reviews for the movie we watched yesterday.

MC: Vampires can teleport, influence emotions, and can even read minds. They’re so cool

Gavin: But I think werewolves are even more dashing and decisive than vampires.

MC: That’s because you’re a werewolf too!

Gavin: What?

MC: I meant in the way you’re very incredible, dashing and decisive.

Gavin: But I’m neither dashing nor decisive when faced with kids.

MC: Haha, that’s all right. Everyone has areas they aren’t good at, so don’t take it to heart.

Gavin: Mm. Do we have any plans for Halloween?

MC: Could we not eat pumpkins this year?

Gavin: Mm, looks like the pumpkin dinner last year left a large psychological shadow on you.

MC: It’s normal to get tired of something when you’ve had too much of it. This is called the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility. 

Gavin: Does this mean you’ll get tired if you stay with me for long?

MC: Do you have to rake up that incident which happened such a long time ago!

Gavin: No, I was just joking with you.

MC: Haha, you’ve learnt how to crack jokes?

Gavin: Yes, I learnt it from you.

MC: Please pay the school fees, Student.

Gavin: School fees? Could I use a story to get a discount?

MC: You can. In that case, I want to hear a unique story.

Gavin: That’s quite difficult for me. But I’ll give it serious thought.

Gavin: Mm, I just need to practice for a while.

MC: Practice? What for?

Gavin: I’ll need to tell it to our kids in the future

MC: Why are you suddenly bringing up our kids?

MC: I can’t talk anymore, I’ve got to resume filming.

Gavin: Okay, I’ll practice on my own then.

-

Fan-created Weibo Post:

Gavin’s Post: Question: How should one tell a story in order for a kid to like listening to it? (If the answer is effective, you’ll get an additional day of rest this month)

Eli: Old Gav has finally attained enlightenment. I’ll talk to you via PM!

Tang Chao: Leader, I’ve sent the answer via message!

Auntie from the Canteen: They aren’t even married yet. Listen to what Auntie says.

My Girl: ...you don’t have to be so serious about it!

-

[ DAY 67 ]

My phone is spoilt. It’s a good thing I can memorise your e-mail, and didn’t miss the sign-in.

-

MC: Haha, since you can’t use your messaging app today, I shall leave some doodles here.

MC: I’ll draw a small ugly wolf here - ^•ェ•^

MC: And here, an adorable little rabbit - ∩•ω•*∩

MC: I’ll add a clove. Hmm... how can I make a clove?

MC: Forget it, I’ll just add a Pearly - (•<>•)

MC: Finally, just to conclude, I feel a little silly today. Even though I know you’ll contact me soon...

MC: But I can’t help but say...

MC: I miss you. 

-

[ DAY 70 ]

It’s too cold to eat watermelons during this season. I bought cantaloupes and have placed them in the fridge. Remember to eat them.

-

Gavin: It’s too cold to eat watermelons during this season. I bought a cantaloupe and have placed it in the fridge. Remember to eat it.

MC: Which one is heavier - a kilogram of iron or a kilogram of cotton?

Gavin: They’re the same weight.

MC: So why would a watermelon be colder than a cantaloupe if they’re both in the fridge?

Gavin: ...putting it into the fridge preserves its freshness. When eating it, you have to leave it out till it becomes room temperature.

MC: So a watermelon is colder even at room temperature?

Gavin: Aren’t fruits with higher water content usually colder than fruits with lower water content?

MC: Is that so? Watermelons have a 94% water content and ranks No. 1. Cantaloupes have a 90% water content, and ranks No. 4.

MC: There isn't much difference.

MC: Based on such logic, drinking room temperature water is even colder.

Gavin: ...if you want to eat watermelons, I can buy one for you in the afternoon.

MC: Did I place importance on the wrong thing? The important thing is someone’s meticulous care, right? 

MC: Don’t worry, I know how well you treat me.

Gavin: So do you still want to eat a watermelon?

MC: Nope, my Gavin says watermelons are cold.

Gavin: It’s all right. If you really want to eat it, you can just eat less.

MC: it can wait till the cantaloupes have been eaten. Could you come over to eat them with me after work?

Gavin: What’s wrong? Did I buy too many?

MC: Because it’d be even warmer with you by my side! When I eat it, it wouldn’t be as cold.

Gavin: Cough. Okay, I’ll pick you up after work.

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

Gavin’s Post: How good you are to me - I know it very clearly.

MC: Are you referring to me? Are you referring to me?

Gavin @ MC: It’s you, it’s you.

-

[ DAY 71 ]

After the door locked, I realised that I didn’t bring my keys. I never thought that I’d have my forgetful moments too. It’s a good thing the windows weren’t locked.

-

Gavin: Something pretty new happened today.

MC: What is it?

Gavin: After the door locked, I realised that I didn’t bring my keys. I never thought that I’d have my forgetful moments too.

MC: In that case, do you want to come over to my place for now?

Gavin: It’s a good thing the windows weren’t locked.

Gavin: ...

MC: That’s good! I even wanted to call the locksmith for you.

MC: But it’s been so cold recently. it’s better to close the windows at night, or you might catch a cold.

Gavin: Hearing what you just said, I’m not very sure if I locked the windows. Maybe I locked them because of the falling temperatures.

MC: Take a look after work then.

Gavin: ...okay.

[ Today, 12:33 ]

Gavin: What if it’s locked?

MC: Find a locksmith!

Gavin: ...got it.

[ Today, 12:40 ]

Gavin: I suddenly remembered that I need to head out for a mission today, so it might be very late by the time I return. Would the locksmith still be open?

MC: They’re usually open for business around the clock. Hold on, I’ll send you the phone number of the locksmith who helped me previously.

MC: 07295287

MC: What’s up with you today? Did you skip breakfast? You seem a little dazed?

Gavin: ...

MC: Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that.

MC: I just think you’re a little different today. How could you have forgotten such a habitual thing?

Gavin: It’s nothing much.

MC: There’s something off about your mood.

Gavin: There’s really nothing.

MC: Okay...

MC: In that case, you should come over to my place later.

MC: It’d be so late when you return. By the time the locksmith arrives, you’ll be frozen. We’ll handle it tomorrow, okay?

Gavin: I’ll be fine.

MC: If you don’t listen to me, I’ll get angry!

Gavin: Okay, don’t be mad. I’ll listen to you.

MC: Mm, be safe at work, and see you tonight.

Gavin: See you tonight. 

-

Fan-created Weibo Post:

Eli’s Post: A certain someone is bursting with joy today, and even smiled at me!!! What happened? Oh no, did I make a mistake?

Tang Chao: Relax, Captain Eli. It has nothing to do with you.

Eli @ Tang Chao: I can rest assured then. What’s up with him?

Tang Chao @ Eli: Don’t probe any further, I’m afraid of getting slaughtered!

-

[ DAY 72 ]

I’ve familiarised myself with the technique of cutting bunny apple slices. Next time, I’ll show it to you.

-

Gavin: I’ve familiarised myself with the technique of cutting bunny apple slices. Next time, I’ll show it to you.

[ Today, 12:02pm ]

Gavin: What’s wrong, are you busy?

[ Today, 12:06pm ]

Gavin: Why aren’t you picking up? Did something happen?

Gavin: Call me when you see this.

MC: I’m busy now. My darling is amazing. I’ll call you later. 

Gavin: Who are you?

Gavin: I’m warning you. No matter how you obtained her account number, I have my ways of tracking you down.

MC: Sorry Gavin, something cropped up earlier. I’m sending a client out, so I can’t call you right now.

MC: It’s really me, my account hasn’t been stolen, and I’m very safe. I’ll explain more later. I’ll take around 10 minutes at most. Trust me, okay?

Gavin: Okay.

[ Today, 12:12pm ]

MC: Sorry! I made you worry. I didn't do it on purpose... don’t be mad.

Gavin: So what happened?

MC: I was tidying up some files earlier for the client.

MC: Minor and the others had my phone to check some meeting records. He said you sent a message, and that you sounded very anxious and worried.

MC: So I told him to reply based what I said. I didn't think that...

Gavin: You said that?

MC: Nope. My original words were “I’m busy now. Gavin is amazing...”

Gavin: ...got it.

MC: Don’t blame him, he didn’t mean it.

MC: He explained it to me, and said...

Gavin: What did he say?

MC: He said he didn’t expect people who are dating to not call each other “my darling”...

Gavin: Cough, sorry.

MC: Why the sudden apology?

Gavin: I’ve never noticed such things. If you want to hear it next time...

Gavin: I could call you that too.

MC: Really? Let me hear it now then.

Gavin: Now?

MC: You just said you could it. Not even half a minute has passed and you’re already going back on your word?

Gavin: No, I just...

MC: All right, I was just teasing you. I really like how you call me “My Girl”, “Little Lamb” and other pet names.

MC: They are unique, and filled with your affection and feelings.

MC: So there’s no need to force yourself to say something you don’t want to.

Gavin: It’s not that I don’t want to. My thoughts are the same as yours. I find them more unique, and better representations of us.

MC: So this misunderstanding has been cleared up, right?

Gavin: Yes.

MC: In that case, I’ll start looking forward to your bunny apple cutting skills this weekend. 

Gavin: There’s no need to wait till the weekend. I can do it now. Look outside the window.

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

MC: A certain up-and-rising cutting master’s little bunny apples - they’re amazing, aren’t they!

[words in the pink rectangle: picture of the bunny apples Gavin had cut]

Minor: That’s incredible! As expected of my Bro Gavin, the perfect man.

MC @ Minor: Relax, he doesn’t blame you. There’s no need to curry favour with him.

Minor @ MC: Thanks Sis-in-law! I can live on!

-

[ DAY 74 ]

Found a puppy stuffed toy while tidying up, and thought about how it’s been a very long time since we last went to the claw machine together.

-

MC: A new mall opened near my office recently, and there’s a very delicious ramen shop. Next time, I’ll bring you there to eat.

Gavin: Okay.

MC: There’s even a games arcade on the third floor of the mall. We can play together too.

Gavin: Speaking of games arcades, I found a puppy stuffed toy while tidying up, and thought about how it’s been a very long time since we last went to the claw machine together.

MC: I'm free.

Gavin: What did you say?

MC: I said that I’m free this weekend. Aren’t you asking me out?

Gavin: Okay, then we’ll go this weekend, and can also eat at that ramen shop you mentioned.

MC: Sure, but I really didn’t expect that!

Gavin: Didn’t expect what?

MC: I always thought you were a cool and dashing man who only liked drag racing and boxing.

MC: I didn’t think you’d have childish hobbies like roller coasters and claw machines.

Gavin: I’m not the one who wanted to ride the roller coaster...

MC: But you brought up the claw machine yourself, didn’t you?

MC: Don’t worry. No matter what you like, it wouldn’t change your perfect image in my heart. 

Gavin: The important thing isn’t the claw machine, it’s...

MC: The important thing is eating ramen?

Gavin: The important thing is being together. Being together - do you understand?

MC: I understand.

MC: Are you angry?

Gavin: No.

MC: I can tell when you’re angry or not.

Gavin: I’m really not angry.

MC: I know that you aren’t angry, but you’re not very happy either.

MC: My darling. I’m calling you “My darling”, okay? ps: My phone hasn’t been stolen! This isn’t Minor either!

MC: Or you could tell me what I need to do to make you happy.

Gavin: Go out with me, and free up your weekend for me.

MC: Okay! I’ll be with you, and my weekend will be entirely for you.

MC: Are you happy now?

Gavin: I really don’t know what to do with you

MC: That means you’re happy! Relax, I’ll stick to you the entire weekend, so you can’t toss me aside even if you wanted to!

Gavin: You said it yourself, so you’re not allowed to go back on it.

MC: When have I ever gone back on my word?

Gavin: Who was the one who asked if we could have ice-cream yesterday?

MC: Cough, that was... that was...

Gavin: Was what?

MC: I can’t find an excuse, so what?

Gavin: So what? I can only pamper you. 

MC: Look out of the window.

Gavin: To look at the stars?

MC: Can you see that my smile has reached the solar system?

Gavin: Mm, I see it. Want me to bring it back for you?

MC: No need, I’ll leave it up there to spend the night today.

Gavin: In that case, need me to cover it with a blanket? It might catch a cold that high up.

MC: Haha, stop messing around. Rest early, and see you tomorrow.

Gavin: Mm, see you tomorrow. Goodnight. 

-

Fan-created Moment Post:

Gavin’s Post: Someone said she’d stick to me over the weekend, so I'm including this picture as proof (don’t worry, only you can see it)

MC: I won’t go back on my word!

Gavin @ MC: Silly, I’m keeping it as a souvenir.

-

[ DAY 79 ]

Eli and the guys said they didn’t want to see me hovering around in STF today. How baffling. So, I’m here to see you.

-

Gavin: Want to drink milk tea? I can bring it over to you.

MC: ? You’ll be passing by my office during a mission?

Gavin: No, Eli and the guys said they didn’t want to see me hovering around in STF today. How baffling. So, I’m here to see you.

MC: Has your phone been stolen?

Gavin: No, it’s me. 

MC: No way! STF members listen to the Commander’s instructions. When does the Commander listen to them?

Gavin: ...there are times when I need to consider my subordinates’ moods.

MC: I still don’t believe it’s you.

MC: Question: When we cooked for the first time, what happened?

Gavin: I burnt the pot...

MC: It’s really you!

Gavin: ...couldn’t you have asked about something else?

MC: It was the first thing I could think of - maybe the impression was pretty deep, haha.

MC: Want me to give Eli a call to ask what exactly is going on?

Gavin: No need, it’s really nothing.

MC: What do you mean by “nothing”? You were chased out for no reason, and you aren’t angry about it. And you even left?

Gavin: How should I have reacted then?

MC: By slamming the desk harshly, then pointing at them before saying, “I’ll give you another chance. Repeat what you just said.”

Gavin: In your eyes, am I like that?

MC: Am I wrong?

Gavin: ...not entirely.

MC: All right, since you don’t want to elaborate further, I won’t probe more either. I trust that you can handle it.

MC: Come over. I’ll comfort and protect you.

Gavin: Okay.

Gavin: Is your shopping cart ready?

MC: I’m still deciding between two outfits.

Gavin: Just get them both.

MC: No need, the two outfits are very similar! Help me pick one!

Gavin: Okay, I’m already downstairs.

-

Day 80: here

-

[ Permission to translate ]

夏月_mleila: Sure, of course you can. Thank you for liking it. I also wish for more people to see them

[otomeramblings]

And then the Sun Shone so Bright

Pairing: None; Tenma-centric A/N: hhhh I’m sorry this took me so long! I was having a hard time finding motivation to write during these past 2 weeks. But! inspiration finally struck. I originally was gonna make this romantic but then parts of the song gave me natsugumi feels and well, here we are lol But also! I’m sorry I didn’t include Kumon but I haven’t read episode 6 yet;;; Thank you so much, @chewie-santatoast​​!! You’re very kind and I’m glad you like what I put out there!! I hope you like this one too and thank you for requesting~~ 

🎵 Song: Best of Me by BTS 🎵

As Igawa finished sending a message, he pocketed his phone and lifted his gaze to see Tenma still eyeing the rack of keychains in the back corner of the store. The bags with sweet treats they had picked up still hung from Tenma’s wrist as he stood there, one hand on his hip and one on his chin, clearly trying to find something.

After shooting wrapped up, they went to one of the local bakeries to buy some souvenirs for Tenma’s theatre troupe. It was something he had taken the habit of doing and while he was surprised by it at first, Igawa was fast to encourage this new development; after the first time, he always made sure that whenever the boy had a shoot out of town or overseas, they would always be able to find a moment in their schedule so that he could buy something he could bring back.

They had been doing some window shopping after successfully purchasing the treats when Tenma stopped in front of one of the stores and insisted on going inside.

If he had to venture a guess, Igawa would say that the object that had originally caught Tenma’s attention was the small bonsai keychain that now dangled from in between his fingers. He couldn’t help the small smile that bloomed in his face at that; Tenma’s love for bonsai, while strange in the eyes of his peers for a boy his age, was actually something Igawa himself had grown incredibly fond of since it was one of the topics (besides acting) that actually made Tenma ramble with excitement. Since he had already had his hands on it, though, Igawa had an inkling as to what he was now searching for.

After a few minutes, and having four more keychains in his hands, Tenma strode towards the register. As he placed the items on the counter, Igawa could see that his hunch had been spot-on. Tenma threw a quick glance his way and he must have seen the way in which his manager was fighting back a smile because he quickly spoke up:

“They would just bug me later if I only got one for myself.”

“Of course, Tenma,” he replied with a small nod. It was an excuse but Igawa knew better than to try to get Tenma to admit it, so he didn’t press for more.

As his eyes inspected each of the designs as the cashier rang them up, he understood what had taken the boy so long when he was picking them. He could tell exactly which one would go to each person just by looking at them. Igawa admittedly didn’t know the members of the Summer Troupe very well, but he had gathered quite a bit of information from his conversations with Tenma.

Next to the small bonsai tree, there was a little white kitten wearing a pink bonnet;

“Dammit,” Tenma clicked his tongue seeing the traffic-jam they were stuck in. “I know it’s frustrating but can’t you let them know that you’ll be late for rehearsals?” Igawa spared a glance his way and saw that Tenma was already typing something on his phone. “Yeah, but that’s not the problem,” he grumbled. “We are trying on the new costumes today and Yuki’s already difficult enough normally. I don’t need to give him another excuse to call me- a hack, oh for the love of-.” Judging from the exasperated tone in his voice and the quick typing that followed, Igawa could guess what response Tenma had received and he tried his best to squash down his amusement before commenting again. “Yuki? That’s….Rurikawa, right? You mentioned he’s in charge of making all of the company’s costumes? He did a really good job for your debut performance.” After seeing the state in which the theatre was, a part of him had honestly been worried about the production quality, but he had been blown away by it and the costumes were one of the things that had impressed him the most. “Yeah,” Tenma sighed before putting his phone down. “I hate to admit it, but the kid’s got some real talent in that department and he has potential in acting as well. Now if only he could do something about that snarky attitude of his,” Tenma complained but Igawa could hear the tint of fondness that hid in his tone behind his initial annoyance.

next to it, there was a pink crown with white and gold accents;

“Is that a new script?” Igawa asked when he saw the manilla envelope resting on Tenma’s lap once he entered the car. He knew Tenma wasn’t scheduled to shoot anything soon but it wouldn’t be long until the Summer Troupe started their rehearsals for their new play. “No, this is one of dad’s old scripts.” Seeing the surprise on his face, Tenma added: “I asked him if I could lend it to one of my troupe mates and he agreed.” “Oh?” “Yeah, remember when dad had to play that prince character in a drama?” He did remember; that performance had earned Mr Sumeragi a couple of awards when he was just starting his career. At Igawa’s hum of affirmation, Tenma continued: “Well, one of my troupe members wants to act in a similar role in the future, so I thought giving this a look would help him have a more concrete idea of what it’s like.” Igawa nodded with a smile. “His acting and his presence on stage still need some work, but I think reading this can not only motivate him but also give him some inspiration since it has all the annotations dad made on it when he used it.” Tenma was using that determined and straightforward tone that often laced his voice whenever he spoke about anything related to acting; it reminded him that despite his young age, he was a professional through and through. One thing that had always been true about Tenma was that he was a perfectionist and someone incredibly proud of his work; because of that, he expected that everyone met the same standards he had for himself. That hadn’t changed after he started performing with Mankai, but the way he went about it when talking to his colleagues was definitely different and he was now seeing exactly where it rooted from.

next to that one, there was probably the most unique keychain of the bunch: a small almost translucent triangle protractor,

“Is that homework?” Igawa asked as he closed the door of the trailer. Tenma paused his furious scribbling when he heard his manager’s question and the guilty darting of his eyes told the answer before he even opened his mouth. “......no…...I’ll do it after I finish this!” he scrambled to answer. Igawa sighed a bit in response; Tenma hated doing his school work and usually he would push him to work on it but since he knew that there was a professional tutor in the dorms that could help him, he decided to let him off the hook this time.

“So, what were you writing then?”

“Oh!” Tenma’s eyes lit up at the question. “I just thought up a few ideas I want to try out the next time we have to do street acts. Some of them are a bit advanced but I think Misumi and I could pull them off.” “Really?” he inquired, sitting across from the boy and taking a sip from his coffee. “Yeah.” he shook his head as he closed the notebook. “Misumi’s talent is kinda terrifying; if we could do something to help him focus more, he could probably be as good as me.” Igawa’s eyebrows shot up at that since Tenma was not one to give out praise freely to anyone. If he recalled correctly, Ikuraga’s performance had probably been the second best on their show next to Tenma’s, so while he was shocked by the admission, he could definitely see where the actor was coming from. “I didn’t know you started putting stickers on your things.” Igawa pointed out when his gaze fell on the notebook. “What? No, I don’t-” Tenma exclaimed but stopped himself when his eyes landed on the stickers that adorned the back of his notebook. An ice-cream cone, a slice of watermelon and onigiri surrounded a bigger yellow triangle that had a few words scribbled on with a marker. Twisting his neck, he was able to make out the words: “Good luck, Tenma~~!! (*^▽^*)”

and, finally, there was a paint pallet with a small brush dipped in green paint.

“Yes, yes, I’ll ask him about it. Yes, mom, I won’t forget. Okay, bye.”

“Everything okay?” Igawa asked once Tenma hung up, his eyes focused on the road. “Huh?” the boy asked absentmindedly as he opened another app on his phone. “Yeah, it’s nothing serious. She told me she wants a copy of the poster of Water Me! since it was our first performance. I told her that they already had the flyer with the picture but she says it’s too small, so I told her that I could probably ask Kazunari to make another copy since he’s the one that designed the final version.” He was trying to act nonchalant about it, but Igawa could hear the pride in his voice, happy that his parents were openly acknowledging and accepting his theatre career.

“It is an important milestone,” the manager nodded and then added. ”And it was a beautiful poster.” Tenma hummed in agreement. “Yeah, Kazunari can be obnoxious as hell but he’s got a real eye for design. All of the company’s posters and our website are a testament to that,” he admitted as he scrolled on his phone. “He’s probably gonna be over the moon once I ask him for a copy.” They had arrived at the dorms so Igawa could see Tenma rolling his eyes in what could be mistaken for exasperation were it not for the slight smile on his face. He had seen Kazunari Miyoshi once after their first (eventful) meeting and in that occasion the older boy had Tenma in a side hug while they took a selfie together and what had caught Igawa’s attention was that despite the fact that Tenma didn’t really like taking selfies with people (besides the occasional fan), the protests that came from his mouth were half-hearted at best and it didn’t take long for him to settle and smile for the picture. After it was taken, he could hear Miyoshi saying he would caption it with “Nothing better than some Ice-cream after rehearsals with TenTen!!”

Each of the keychains had gold chains and gold borders and detailing, making it obvious that they were part of the same set despite the wide variety of designs.

As the employee put them all in separate bags after Tenma told her they were gifts, Igawa couldn’t stop the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth nor the fondness that seeped through his voice when he said: “I’m sure they’ll love them.”

The actor just shrugged in response. “Of course they will,” he replied with confidence but his manager could see the redness in the tips of his ears.

Tenma had always been a good kid. Arrogant and too blunt at times, yes, but never with the intention of hurting others. However, being in the spotlight from such a young age had isolated him from his peers and his parents' constant travelling only served to make him build even more walls around himself; be confident and keep your head up, your work is what matters, that was the motto by which Tenma lived his life and that was a big detriment in any interpersonal relationships he could have formed. But now, seeing him fuss over which souvenirs to bring to his friends, the deep mark the Mankai Company left on him was glaringly obvious. 

He remembered the genuine concern he showed when his parents wanted him to quit. It was one of the few times he saw Tenma’s eyes tainted with fear; and at first, Igawa had thought he had been afraid of the possibility that this project he had worked so hard towards would be crushed, but later on he learned that it was more than that, it was the fear of having to let go of the people who had managed to bring down his walls and had put their all in supporting him so he could turn his past regrets into victories.

Tenma had never looked happier than he did now and that translated to his acting as well; he still carried himself with confidence but now there was also a lightness to his steps that wasn’t there before. Igawa knew that Mankai and the Summer Troupe probably didn’t really understand how much they had truly helped Tenma become a better version of himself in every sense but he would forever be thankful for it.

🎵 Part of the song-based requests [closed] 🎵

[blarrghe]

I got tagged by @oediebees​, thanks, these are fun! and I’ll tag umm @lavellanhunter​ @serphena​ @midnightprelude​ if y’all feel like it

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

curly hair don’t care (I don’t brush my hair I comb it in the shower sometimes...the comb is blue) 

2. A food you never eat?

Meat, dairy.... a bunch of things that hurt my tummy (except I eat them anyway oops)

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

I run pretty cold. Poor circulation lyfeeee

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Hangin with the bae learning about ancient history because we are nerds. 

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

like chocolate bar? I can’t eat chocolate and it makes me sad. I bought a vegan white chocolate bar at the health food store a while ago for like 5$ it was good but like. it was also five whole dollars. 

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

NHL game once. There was a fight on the ice and then in the stands XD

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

“Love you, bee” yes we are very cute thank

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Stop asking me about things I’m not allowed to eat waah. I bought vegan icecream and it made me sick also lol so literally just. let’s go with rainbow sherbert. (it used to be cookie dough ice cream stop doing this to me)

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Water

10. Do you like your wallet?

My best friend and I bought matching star wars wallets a couple years ago and we both still use them so yeah. it’s got the millennium falcon on it and it came with a keychain that I eventually gave to a kid at work.

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Leftover veggie stir fry with black beans! I made it yesterday and it was pretty good if I say so myself. 

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

I haven’t bought any new clothes since like, October? 

13. The last sporting event you watched?

uhhhhhhhhh does walking by a soccer game in the park count

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

I make it with salt and nutritional yeast! and sometimes garlic too. Highly recommend. 

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

Actual text? Coworker. 

16. Ever go camping?

As much as I can! Went every summer as a kid, and last summer went on a month long cross-country camping roadtrip. Probably won’t get to go again for a while though. 

17. Do you take vitamins?

I buy them and then forget does that count

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

I can count on one hand the number of times I have gone to a church service. And if you discount funerals then I’m pretty sure it’s...2? (and if you wanna do the thing and make it synagogue then still only for the holidays and not in years and years) 

19. Do you have a tan?

Pretty sure I am actually incapable of having a tan. 

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

I probably shouldn’t be eating either. Homemade pizza with flatbread and vegan cheese is pretty good tho. 

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

Not usually 

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

I just have a large collection of various cute patterened socks with like, cats and stuff on em. Current faves are the ones that make my feets look like sharks =]

23. Ever drive above the speed limit?

speed of traffic but also, I don’t have a car so. 

24. What terrifies you?

ummm the feeling you get when you’re stuck under water and think your gonna drown isn’t very fun. 

25. Look to your left what do you see?

pillows, cart thing with books on it, closet. 

26. What chore do you hate?

changing the cat litter kinda sucks 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

Uh. Australia, I guess? 

28. What is your favorite soda?

I’m a big fan of buying random overpriced weird flavoured drinks so probably like, the blue jones soda or something. But realistically, cream soda and gingerale. 

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

I don’t have a car so. I also don’t get fast food much tho. 

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

The boy!

31. Favorite cut of beef?

Literally no idea haven’t eaten it in over ten years 

32. Last song you listened to?

Currently listening to “If The World Was Ending” by Gracie and Rachel, I don’t even know if I like it yet it just came on my spotify release radar thing. 

...

yeah it’s aight. 

33. Last book you read?

Last book I finished was the Silmarillion. Currently working my way through Jewel’s autobiography, some book on mindfulness, and Unfinished Tales. 

34. Favorite day of the week?

Honestly I’m a big fan of Sundays. They’re my bread day.

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Probably. Let’s not find out. 

36. How do you like your coffee?

Cappuccinos are my fave but usually just strong with oatmilk and a little sugar. 

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

The knee-high boots I have that lace up the back, especially since I got undue flak for em once and the spite makes it better. 

38. At what time do you usually go to bed?

Time is meaningless.

39. At what time do you normally get up?

See above. 

40. What do you prefer - sunrises or sunsets?

Both are nice!

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

Currently just two small soft throw blankets because it’s been hot af. One is a spiderweb one I bought in the halloween section and the other is star wars lmao. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

Like, four matching ones that we never use, two matching ones of a different pattern, one random blue one, and a bunch of takeout container things I reuse. 

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

Nah depends on the mood. Wine is good, ciders are good, some beers are good, and I used to bartend so making fancy cocktails is also sometimes good. 

44. Do you play cards?

Only when camping and it rains. 

45. Can you change a tire?

On my bike sure. Someone taught me how to change a car tire once but I wouldn’t test it. 

46. What is your favorite province?

Probably British Columbia.

47. Favorite job you ever had?

The one I have now! Teaching/counselling at an elementary/jr. high school :) 

48. How did you get your biggest scar?

Don’t really have any big scars. I do have a small one on my face from a kid at my old job. 

49. What did you do today that made someone happy?

Had some quality hangs earlier, watched a movie, cuddled, etc. 

[withabackpackandcamera]

February 17th, 2020

Day 3: Food Hunting and Sightseeing On My Last Day In Singapore

Because today was my last day in Singapore, I knew that I had to make the most of it and try as many foods and drinks as my belly could tolerate. So, instead of doing free breakfast at the hostel, I went out in search of web-recommended foods.  

For brunch, I decided that the must-try dish of the morning would be Char Kway Teow at Outram Park Fried Kway Teow Mee, one of the many stalls listed on the 2019 Michelin Bib Gourmand List of restaurants. Once I made it to the hawker center, I worked my way around the complex until I found the stall I was looking for. Luckily, no line yet. I guess it’s because char kway teow is a pretty heavy noodle dish that I wouldn’t think people would turn to so early in the morning (by this point, it was probably mid-morning for me). Anyhow, I bought their famous dish for $4 and sat at a table nearby, thoroughly enjoying the flavorful noodles for brunch while watching people line up to get their share of char kway teow for brunch. I guess it isn’t all that uncommon to get noodles this early.

Once I was done with my brunch, I explored a bit of Chinatown since I had skipped it (for the most part) the last couple of days. I stopped by the Sri Mariamman Hindu Temple, where I got my first experience with the widely-used forehead temperature gun. After this temple, I made another quick stop to check out the Buddha Tooth Relic Temple. Because I was in the vicinity of another Michelin Bib Gourmand hawker stall, I decided that I had enough room in my stomach to stomach more food. So I made a quick detour to check out J2 Crispy Curry Puff at Amoy Street Food Centre, the same complex I went to get my kaya toast yesterday. The crispy curry puff with potatoes and chicken was pretty good. A good flaky texture for the puff pastry and warm potatoes on the inside. I didn’t really taste the meat that was supposedly in there. Hm. But it was good nevertheless and worth trying out.  

After stuffing myself, I went back to the hostel to check out and store my bags for the day. I also used this opportunity to take a quick breather and plan the rest of my day. Before too long, I was up and at it again, this time taking the MRT to the Lavender stop on the East-West Line to check out the Muslim neighborhood of town in Kampong Glam.  

It took a little bit before I actually ran into anything while walking through Kampong Glam. But once I actually hit Haji Lane and Arab Road, that was when things became colorful and lively. The streets were lined with restaurants serving all types of middle eastern foods, as well as Thai and Vietnamese food. There were tons of little shops selling all sorts of colorful things, like fabrics, carpets, etc. And a cool looking mosque as well. I strolled through the shaded small streets, one by one, checking things out, until I made my way over to the Bugis area to continue my exploration. Because I needed a little bit more cash for the rest of the day’s adventures and needed some souvenirs, I wandered around the area trying to find an ATM and some souvenir shops. While looking for an ATM, I checked out the nice, expensive mall, as well as the cheap market right across the way from it. There were no good souvenir shops to be found but I did eventually find an ATM for some cash. 

By this point, I was getting hungry. So instead of taking a lunch break in Orchard as I had originally thought of doing, I took a detour and routed myself back to Chinatown for the meal of the day at Hawker Chan Soya Sauce Chicken Rice and Noodle, one of the cheapest, if not the cheapest, Michelin-starred restaurant in the world (it renewed its one Michelin star in 2019), located in Complex Market and Food Centre (this was the original location before it expanded to a location right outside of the hawker center). As I got to the stall, I was fortunate enough to find that there were very few people in line at the time I had arrived. Thank goodness. After a short wait, I ordered their signature soya sauce chicken rice for $2! SO CHEAP! And my first Michelin starred meal! And the plate was quickly in my hands right after. I took a seat at a nearby table and quickly devoured my plate of soy sauce chicken on top of white rice. It was delicious! The chicken was moist and super flavorful. The only sad parts about it: the bones and not enough chicken. But overall, a great choice and experience for lunch.

Before leaving for the Orchard area of Singapore, I dropped by another stall, 02-164, for a sugar cane drink and quickly downed it before heading to the closest MRT station. Once in Orchard, I strolled around the big shopping district, again, looking for souvenirs. I looked around and, for the most part, didn’t find much of anything worth buying. After walking through much of the area (and through some buildings and shopping centers), I went back to my hostel to grab my camera bag and tripod before heading back to the marina for sunset photos. 

I got to the marina earlier than I intended and ended up sitting around waiting for an exciting sunset to appear before my eyes and over the marina. Nope, that never happened. I took a couple shots here and there but ultimately, sunset and the evening skies were a dud and I didn’t get any photo worth showing off. Disappointing. I ended up staying for a while to see if the sky would get better or if the photo opps would improve... but nope, nothing. Also, I stayed back even longer because I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss the lights and water show in the marina if it, by any tiny chance, surprisingly occurred. Despite seeing some water streams and lights being messed with (I thought it might have been a warm up for a surprise main event), ultimately, there was no show and I ended up waiting way too long and wasting more time than I should have.

With little time left before I had to make my way to the airport for my red eye flight to Cebu, I rushed back toward my hostel with hopes of finding some food place along the way. Ultimately, I didn’t end up getting any food (I stopped by Teok Market briefly but there wasn’t anything there worth buying) but decided instead to take a quick detour to Chinatown to try out a boba place call LiHo that I had heard about and didn’t yet have a chance to try and to find some postcards to take home. So I took the MRT to Chinatown again, got off, walked quickly in one big circle and found boba (I got their signature standard boba, which I think was brown sugar milk tea, which was pretty good) at LiHo and some postcards at a nearby convenience store before boarding the train for the hostel.  

The turnaround time from the time I left the train station, walked 1km to the hostel, got my bags, drank my drink, and got back on a train to the airport was probably around 15 mins! What a rush! I barely had time to finish my boba and enjoy it! So exhausting. But once on the train, I chilled and relaxed and ended up getting to the airport a little earlier than I expected. Luckily, the check-in process was seamless and I was able to make it to the lounge, take a quick shower, eat a little bit of hot food, and even buy another postcard and keychain before making it to my gate, boarding my flight, and finding that I had an entire row of seats to myself for a relatively empty four hour flight to Cebu. Whew, what a whirlwind last few moments in Singapore! But glad I fit it all in before leaving!

5 Things I Learned Today:

1. As far as I know, there are two hawker stalls in Singapore that have earned a Michelin star either currently or in the past: Hawker Chan and Hill Street Tai Hwa Pork Noodle. 

2. Kampong Glam is the Muslim/Middle Eastern-influenced neighborhood of Singapore. There, you can find different types of shops, stores, and restaurants with Middle Eastern tastes. You have Lebanese and Malaysian foods, Persian rugs, silk shops, etc. 

3. One boba drink can cost WAY more than a Michelin-starred meal at a hawker stall in Singapore. It’s crazy how prices can be so different between items, whether it’s street food, a dessert, a novelty, etc. 

4. In Singapore, there are temperature checkpoints everywhere. Airports. Expensive housing buildings. High-end hotels. Temples. 

5. Unlike other countries I’ve visited, Singapore doesn’t seem to have as many cookie-cutter-type souvenir shops selling a lot of cookie-cutter-type souvenirs. It was really hard to find postcards and keychains in the places I went to and that’s pretty unusual when I travel.

[theeverbloomingdarkness]

THE MUN PLAYS KH3

Here are my notes/comments I made while playing through KH3. The thoughts that went through my head.

***SPOILERS FOR EVERYTHING POSSIBLE. SPOILERS. SPOILERS.***

Tuesday, Jan 29th. 5:00 pm.

-Finally home and ready to play. Colored lights on, fluffy pants on, favorite blanket nearby, cats fed, pizza in oven, cold water in fridge, juice smoothie drink standing by. Waiting on my pizza to finish so I can eat dinner while listening to the title screen music. Have not put game on yet. (Just so happened to get my Marluxia keychain the other day too! Got my game today.)

-Here we goooooOOOOOO.

-OATH ORCHESTRAL IS SO PRETTY. Also expected recap. I bet there will be a lot of flashbacks in the game (update: not at all).

-Cable town seems a precarious place to live- also a pain to get around. Pretty. there’s a LOT of islands. (Update: homeworld of Keyblade wielders? Or base)

-Eraqus playing dumb?  Messing with Xehanort? Or is he actually just like that and doesn’t know.

-Queue intro. Music feels off slightly but that could just be because I saw the trailer one first. Also new Marluxia content, gonna need a gif of that little clip jumping over the scythe.

-Darkside, of course. Nostalgia reasons. Would have been more interesting if they changed up the fight with him, I think. He’s always been a pretty lame fight.

HERCULES WORLD

-Cutscenes feel much more natural (first reaction). Also Donald getting shit on, always fun. (Update: the amount of shitting on each other in this game is unreal)

-Hercules’ new voice… Is it new? IDK, but I find it unnerving.

-The Instagram loading screens are weird? Not a big deal.

-Maleficent’s much needed glow up.

-The graphics are odd because some things look super good and then some things look kinda weird sometimes. IDK I just started. Generally very pretty.

-SORA, DONALD, GOOFY. Is this going to be a thing again? (Update: yes, it is)

-Guess Phil isn’t going to talk at all? Sort of weird (Update: speaking of NOT SPEAKING. Aeleus and Dilan. Not a single peep. Wow.)

-Xigbar’s voice is changing into Xehanort’s now. Someone help him.

-Holy shit an NPC. WTF was that scene??? I think that’s all that needs to be said here. Just, what? How did that even work? No idea where the girl was/how far? Didn’t see any fire? Too slow? Yeeted into the universe. Little girl saved???

-Jumping around when you get hit with fire is annoying.

-Fighting those Titans was a shirt storm. It was soooo janky for me. (update: the combat in this game is incredibly aerial based)

-“May your hear-- ?” Unsure if game bugged or not. (Update: I get it now. Thanks, epilogue.)

-So Axel DOES get an outfit, wonder if we’ll ever see him wear it. (Update: AT THE VERY END

-Phone call. Is it my boy IENZO??? Oh, nope. D: WAIT, there he is.- -MOODY AELEUS??? What does he have against Roxas? Just because he left the Organization? Yeah, like Axel. Stop the bias against the other Org members.

-GODDAMMIT they did it again with the title card.

TWILIGHT TOWN

-Seifer and gang left for a “hero’s journey”.

-IENZO SPYING? IENZO CHUCKLE. Ienzo didn’t know= that makes sense. He’s so…happy (Update: he really is chipper in this game) -KIDNAPPED EVEN? -Just get Even to make him a body. -I too could go for some hot wings, little girl -Talking about Sora. I figured, but I hoped.

-Darn you Axel for being attractive -DILAN

IT’S MARLUXIA TIME. MARLUXIA TIME. MARLUXIA TIME

-What a lovely world; everyone’s having a nice time… It sure would be a shame, if someone….ruined it.

-Mar you creep. PINK EYES?

-FAVOR? Oh. :I Balance, eh? Do you believe that Mar? Also would rather forget? Himself, or does he mean Sora?

-Marluxia does indeed dislike nicknames.

-Is Marluxia really out to protect the light/Rapunzel for balance? If it were anyone else it’d be easy to write off. (Update. Like Larx for this story it’s just about making sure they have the PoH backups)

-Time for Mar to be an ass. Lol. Sounded like he wasn’t even trying.  He likes it when they run. Also I guess Mar tied Flynn up in this version? -HE’S SO PRETTY -SLEEP BOY! Also…Mar? New power? Lol. How handy, wish I could do that to myself. (Also the comment about him being good at sleeping or something? Guess he knows that from DDD? When they were all there at the end. Or upon learning he was in a pod for a year.)

-The bosses thus far have been huge and really annoying to hit/air battles.

-On Marluxia, still looks like they’re just using him for Nort fodder at this point. Even though it still makes no sense at all.

-And I’m sure that’s all I’m gonna get this game for Marluxia.

-ALSO,  Reapers baby. CALLED IT.

-Get Even to make one! Well Goofy’s right, Ienzo might be able to do it. OH MY GOD I CALLED IT. Good job Riku for being smart.

-*Sidenote: If you haven’t seen Tangled some things might seem disconnected to you as a player. (Update: this goes for most of the Disney worlds actually.)

TOY STORY

-Final Fantasy??!?!?! LOL Riku and Noctis fusion

-WTF. Shot by YMX into Square Enix? Oh nope, Gigas.

-OOO Woody burn. No one loves you Xehanort.

-Should have been ,“There’s a snake in my boot”

-ANOTHER Woody burn.

-I feel like Young Xehanort learned something they already knew???

-OH YEP. Need Even. I wonder if Aeleus and Dilan will talk in this game (Update: nope)

-OOOO Evil meeting. Everyone yell so you can hear each other. DAMN IT VEXEN, you mad science man. At least it’s a believable reason for Vexen. Unlike Marluxia, which is total bullshit

-Gummi flying takes forever.

FROZEN. Ready to see my girl Larxene

-This is literally the my friends are my power game with the way the combat is set up (Update: Very Aerial and AOE oriented gameplay)

-Also enemies have a lot of HP

-Lol. Oh yeah, memory loss. They filled her in.

- Using the electricity to move the blocks and trap them… I can be like, ok I’ll buy that. But this is a complex-ass labyrinth

Along with Marluxia’s sleep thing and now this,… Headcanon that it’s due to Xehanort influence possibly?

-Larxene Nobodies! They look like ninjas. YEP. Just checked. Called Ninjas.

-Giant Larxene knife symbols on wall. Classy.

-Did Larxene just show Elsa up with that labyrinth btw?

-LET IT GO. LET IT GO. “I don’t know what I just saw”. lol

-What is with all this Larx ice using? I dun like it >.<

-Again boss is up so high the fight is really floaty and crazy

-What girl??? Who??? Namine? Kairi? Streli? Not Larxene . Must be Kairi. (Update: STILL DON’T KNOW THE GIRL. Future game plot point)

-KARATE Aqua

-Oh god, not Pooh Bear. Please be optional.

-Ienzo has an Instagram.

MONSTERS INC

-Alright Vani where you at?

-LMAO Sully just grabs him and throws him in a door xD That is a GOLDEN moment

-Ienzo’s gonna be the one who saves Xion Roxas and Ventus. Nice.

-This is “shit on each other the game” isn’t it?

-Oooo evil meeting.  MY PALS. Marluxia is WOKE as fuck., he’s like nah he just wants our empty husk bodies as vessels.  Larxene ain’t having it, yep, that’s what I thought. You? Canon ‘Marly’ Omg Benched, I believe it. REBEL GROUP. REBEL GROUP.  (Update: I chanted this in my head a lot)

WHAT??? Another purpose? Luxord in.  TELL US THE PURPOSE? All four of them? Wow. Demyx and Luxord in Union X confirmed. :/ Not a fan of this. Too many keyblades.

Ugh I want more plot Dx Gotta do Pirates.

*So it does seem like the four of them don’t want to be in the Org? But again they aren’t doing anything about it so???

So the reason they let them back (Mar and Lar even though traitors) is because they want their ancient keyblade powers. (Update: This is never mentioned again. Like, why does it matter to Xehanort? Did Xehanort pull them out of time? More questions)

PIRATES

- Vexen and Lux. Oooo Vexen not obeying. Luxooooord. REBEL GROUP. REBEL GROUP. -Pausing air fight to feed cats. Not enjoying this flying oof. Thank goodness it isn’t all shooting -Who needs air? -Wow nice ship and sails Luxord -Whatever you want eh Luxord? -Gonna honor the rules Lux? Did he lose on purpose? -Hope eh? -LOL No Parley. OOF breath on his face, into the ocean. Luxord just got burned. First Vanitas now Luxord - Dramatic walk scene?  Awwww

-GDI Axel change your clothes -Was thinking this at the first scene but GDI I know people are going to ship these two

-Here comes darkqua? -A tale of two Ansems. Feeling Namine guilt? -Hayner bout to get FUCKED. WHAT GIRL? -WHAT THE FUCK? Nobodies? Who doing this??? -FUCK it’s Vexen. Good Vexen? What? :o Is he lying??? FUCK CLIFFHANGER. I appreciate all the diff character interactions in this game though. Does Vexen secretly have a heart of gold and is in on the REBEL GROUP?

BIG HERO 6

- Data Riku or Repliku? Going with Repliku. But the enemy is very codedesque. Also Data Riku is just Data, no body. Could also be timetravel bs - Replica confirmed. Not sure if it’s the same ”Repliku” - Hoping actual Repliku will come back. Riku did mention his other me after all

ALL PLOT FROM HERE ON OUT FINALLY

-Darkqua music was great

-Aaand she’s gone. Again. OR NOT

-Finally these two: Vexen and Demyx. DUNCE. LMAO their fighting. REBEL VEXEN. What’s in it for you, Demyx??? UHHH Not becoming Xehanort. (Demyx continues to be a douche character). Marluxia? Maybe. DEMYX TIME. Oh my god. Was that intentional??? LMAO Demyx is so ‘useless’ no one expects him to do anything. Nice FAMILY REUNION

VEXEN YOU LEGEND. I always liked him. Now it’s up to you Marluxia >:Y I think Vexen may have been talking about Ansem the Wise. Also may not still completely trust him because it says he went back willingly. Unless he changed his mind when learning about Ansem the Wise. (Update: Nope, Vexen really is a legend. I love him).

CASTLE OBLIVION -Vani fight, nice. Great music -HE UP. Go visit your old friend Mar.

-Ventus gets to meet both Axel and Marluxia as adults. How odd.

-Sudden Saix. So casual. WHAT GIRL? WHAT GIRL???? Is it Strelitzia? Skuld? New character? (Update: Again, future plot point.)

-Repliku with Riku.? YEP. DOPE. Save Namine? (Update: Yep. To protect Namine).

BATTLE TIME

-Enter Terranort. Shock for Ven to see. -Axel got fucked. -SHIT AN F5. - Everyone died. The end -STARS???? More pieces???? WAHHHT PAST? Union X Club??? Streli?! D’x

The Final World :O

-DEAD.

MARLUXIA? NO, VENTUS. YEP Ventus. Aw…

-Chirithy is great.

-Vexen gonna save the day with a replica? And Demyx  lol. They both got benched. What a team up. (Update: And we never heard from them again. They literally just dipped from the Org and none of the Norts did anything. (Update: No idea what happened to Demyx. He dropped off the replica and was outie).

-DÉJÀ VU. Oof.

-EPHEMERA! THE KEEEEEYS. All the dead people

-UNION LEADERS KEYS. Also all the others, but I believe I saw five? What I’m saying is those four-five Starlights= Dandelion Union Leaders.

-??????? YEN SID DID SOMETHING HOLY SHIT

-Is Vexen with the coat guys up there??? -Also Demyx??? -Do they have a PLAN??? (Update: Nope, they literally just dipped).

-MARLUXIA THEME I HEAR IT

-MY CHILDREN WHY R U WITH XEHANORT???

-Thank you, Luxord awww.  Such a cool guy…(Update: Sora still has the Wild Card)

AWww Larx. Heart tank? NO THANKS.  Along for the ride- With?? (Marluxia?)

MY BOOOOOY Dx

*MEMORIES BACK???? Real laugh. A smile. He DID forget. Always about “purpose for being with Mar”. How did I predict that? (Update: Marluxia amnesia confirmed? Also why the heck didn’t /he/ rebel. Makes no sense. I blame Nomura. He also gave no reason for why he was following Xehanort. Again, it’s pretty BS. NO EXPLANATION.)

Riku down. Very interested in what Xigbar will have to say… Repliku repossession! NOOOO. Repliku stay! Roxas, of course.

PROTECT NAMINE. D’:

He just wanted that keyblade bro. What?????? Why the backwards drama D: (Update: Nope. Xigbar just playing the role, or should I say Luxu).

Fucking Axel. That smart mouth.

Saix would have let him die; also I knew it was Xion from trailers.

:O XION. He knew.

And Roxas is in. The music has been SO GOOD.

Vexen  Zexion Ansem Demyx. LUL GET FUCKED Xemnas.

WHO IS THE HER>>>>

Vanitas sounds higher pitched in this game.

GUARDIAN??? This is weird.

I don’t believe in perma dead Kairi.

WHEN’S THE BOX? ALSO Luxord’s Wild Card!

*Btw guess Vexen and Demyx just left so the other Norts replaced them instead of doing anything about it

Awww, Saix. Or rather, Isa.

Didn’t shed any tears, but the part that got me feeling the most was with Xehanort and Eraqus tuff at the end, surprisingly

I KNEW IT WOULD END WITH A BEACH PARTY. Again, awwww, Saix.

*** WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO DEMYX? What did he even do to help besides delivering the replica LMAO??

WHY DIDN’T I GET TO SEE MY BOY IN THE ENDING? Maybe secret ending. ☹ (Update: Nah)

Oh yeah, Sora vanished btw.

*Xehanorts VA could have had a better performance.

-Wow. Xigbar really was the MoM? Union leaders alive?  OH, nvm he’s Luxu. Guess he picked up on MoM’s behavior and mannerisms. Also been through many bodies I see… No Ava.

WHAT’S IN THE BOX GDI.

UH OH. New game board. 7 evils. Five being leaders and Xig, 2 Unkowns. Please don’t put Mar through more of that, IE make him be in another Org/group.

They never opened the box, did they.

[extremelytiredincrediblyconfused]

the melodramatic beginning of my climactic end

There are, quite honestly, about a million other ways I had hoped to gain notoriety... and by a million I mean, like, five. Six, tops. Looking back, avoiding my own inevitable would’ve been easy – a literal push; a click, a tap, the fucking pushing of a fucking button (sorry, potty mouth). All I had to do was keep my mouth shut; keep my shit private just as I always had. I had worked so hard to get where I was – where I hopefully still am – and while some people may have deserved at least some part of what they got, some were just the worst kind of collateral damage. To the latter: you will never know the extent of my regret, nor the level at which I now self-loathe. To the former: I’m still sorry, even if you do suck a little.. I know, I know I’m getting ahead of myself. On that note, I suppose I should start from the melodramatic beginning of my climactic end – my self-imposed downfall, my very clumsy swan dive into public humiliation. Here goes; try not to hate me too much.

Oh, I’ve changed the names of people and places, but the rest is - unfortunately - the truth. 

“Well, it’s over! It’s done!” Judy, very melodramatically, intoned while frantically waving her arms, “Edgewood has officially gone to hell in a handbasket!” I have only just walked into the back door of the bakery and tea house the two of us own together, but I can already tell it’s going to be one of those days – to be fair, most of them are. “Well, don’t stop now, give me all the dirt!” I know I’m baiting her, but it never stops being fun. “They robbed my silverware tree!” she offered by way of explanation – the “silverware tree” as we now call it, is the tree that we are forced by the town of Clydesville to have blocking our front door because we live in Tree City USA. We decided to make it festive by hanging all of our gold-plated silverware that was too pitted for use (we are fancy, after all) and everyone had already come to terms with the simple fact that we might as well just throw that silverware in the trash, because once it was out there it likely wouldn’t stay very long. “Well, don’t let them ever say we don’t give back to our community.” Being flippant probably isn’t the best approach to the situation, but we are nothing if not sassy here. “Thanks for taking their attack on my decoration seriously” she sighed “I guess I should just be thankful they were careful not to trample my english garden while they robbed me blind.” “You’re right, I’m sorry, I should’ve taken this more seriously” I held up my hands in a placating gesture, “more importantly – who had bets on it lasting less than a month?” Before she even had time to feign offense, the victor was ready to claim their spoils. “That would be me!” the victor in question being my friend, and co-worker, Lawrence; or as we all prefer to call him, Law, “E-e-easiest five bucks I eva made!” he took the time to not only grab his prize, but do a somewhat embarrassing dance while doing it, “Ooh, wait, give it to me in singles – I WANNA MAKE IT RAIN.” “Five singles isn’t enough to make it rain, Law.” I retorted knowingly – honestly because we have tried to do it countless times, and failed miserably. We have the slow-motion videos to prove it. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was your personal mission to rain on EVERYBODY’S parade today, Kat. Don’t let me stop you, want me to tell you about my hopes and dreams so you can shoot them all down while you’re at it? Yeesh.” He and I have been friends for so long, this type of back-and-forth is just par for the course. As a matter of fact, if I’m not mistaken, we are actually cousins. It is Wayneswood County, after all, literally everyone is related. “As long as your so-called hopes and dreams don’t involve proposing to yet another girlfriend, I’m pretty sure I’ll be supportive of them” I know it’s a low blow to hit so early in our little game, but I really do have a reason for coming in to the store today. You see, Law is what we call a ‘habitual proposer’ – he’s been engaged to four different women (only married to one) in his ripe, young age of twenty-eight. “aye-aye-aye, kick a man when he’s down, why don’tcha?” he pounded a closed fist over his heart in an attempt to make me feel bad. “I’m not saying I didn’t know it wouldn’t happen, but I just thought people would be nicer. I should know better than to place any expectations on humanity anymore. Oh, well – at least I’ve got more silverware to hang up. No more soup ladles, though, the dredges of society apparently needed to serve some broth.” Judy interjected, still trying desperately to hide her disappointment. “That or prepare a whole lot of crack!” I jovially added, making a show of shrugging my shoulders and forcing a tight smile. “Prepare. Prepare?” oh, here he goes “Uh, excuse me, yes Geeves” Law was getting into it now, affecting a posh accept and holding his pinky in the air “prepare us crack, good sir, make it our finest vintage!” “Soooorrrrryyyyy I don’t know all the hip drug lingo, friendo. I must’ve missed that issue of Street Youth Monthly.” Admittedly, my joke’s weren’t always the cream of the crop. After receiving looks of pity for my attempt at being pithy, we fell into our daily routine of treading water and getting through the daily deluge of afternoon teas, ladies having lunch, hipster parents trying to force their kids into liking fancy things and the general public needing sweets to keep calm and carry on. “Our 2:00 afternoon pushed to Wednesday, and changed their reservation time to 1:30.” Judy explained – at the end of the day we all sit down and compare calendars, make notes on scheduling, and make sure we haven’t over-booked ourselves too terribly much. “Okay, perfect. I got a form submission for a 12:00 highest on the 26th.” I added, looking over my most recent crop of e-mails. “Hmmm” Judy furrowed her brow in concentration, “No, that won’t work, we’ve got a party of 15 at 12:00 for a Bridal Shower Tea, see if they can move to either 11:00 am or 2:00 pm. Those are the only availabilities.” “I’ll go ahead and e-mail them.” I responded, tapping a few keys to bring that promise to life. “We will need someone on June 9th, we have that big pastry order for the store anniversary at Belk.” Judy flipped her calendar, and for the first time I truly realized how close to the end of May we were. “I also have a wedding that Friday, so we will definitely need to schedule a lot of help because I’ll be down for the count just filling those two orders.” I’m the Pastry Chef, so I shoulder most of the actual baking responsibility, but I always make sure that only I do the wedding cakes. I’m very, very particular about the wedding cakes. “Can do. Law, can you make yourself available?” “Already planning on it, boss.”  My friend was nothing if not dependable. “Y’all know I ain’t got shit going on otherwise.” “Thanks, my dude. Did you buy your tickets for the Front Bottoms yet?!” we had only been talking about going to see them for, oh I don’t know, a million years now. I needed him to stop dragging his feet and commit to going with me already. I hate going places by myself, especially Asheville. “ohmagod, do you want me to buy the tickets in front of you? Do you want me to purchase the gahdang tickets right frickin now so you can watch and make sure I do it, MOM?” like I said, the back and forth never stops with us. “actually that would bring me great pleasure.” I said, a smug smile taking over. “FINE.” He yelled, while pulling out his phone with more dramatic flourish than I probably deserved. After a few enunciated taps, he announced he had indeed purchased the ticket (showing me the text for proof) “You’re driving my ass there I hope you know. And buying me a beer – Wicked Weed is right next door and I’m not about to take on a buncha teenage FB fans without some liquid assistance.” “I’ll do you one better – I’ll buy you a PRETZEL to go with your beer.” I’m feeling very magnanimous, obviously. The day ended as does every other – with our tiny crew barely holding it together, and counting down the last five minutes like we were in Time’s Square watching the ball drop. Unfortunately for me, though, keeping up morale until 5:00 wasn’t going to be my biggest problem of the day.

The drive home was especially short for me, considering I lived less than a block away from the shop. Yes, I choose to drive - you haven’t been on these mean streets at 3:00 am. I put my little Honda in park, and tried to get all the groceries in one go, something at which I seemed to be failing miserably. Reaching for my key, usually hanging from the tiny cupcake keychain my boyfriend’s niece got me for Christmas a few years ago, I was shocked to look down and see nothing more than a broken bead chain. Sonofa – “NOOOOOOO not again!!!!” I whined, loudly. Cute it may be, practical it was not – I had lost my house key more times than I could count at this point during our five-year stint in our little Edgewood home. Micah’s car was here, though, so I could at least just bang on the door until he let me in. “MICAH! MICAH I KNOW YOU’RE HERE, LET ME IN YOU PUNK.” -bang bang bang- -bang bang bang- “I SWEAR TO CHRIST IF YOUR’E SLEEPING THROUGH THIS I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU. YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET THIS DOOR OPEN” -bang bang bang- At this point, my hand was starting to hurt desperately, so I decided that –naturally- the best course of action was to begin kicking the door. However, one can only punch and kick a door for so long before one decides one looks like a crazy person and the neighbors start peeking out their windows. I pulled out my phone to begin the task of calling him until he answered, but after the fifth call of incessant ringing, it started going straight to voicemail. Huh. I mean, that’s probably nothing right? “Hey, it’s Micah, I’m either busy or just can’t get to the phone right now – either way, leave me a message and I’ll call you back… or I won’t. Later. Beeeeeeeep” “Micah, what the hell? I’m sitting outside, freezing, alone, getting really shitty looks from our very terrible neighbors, I lost my key – again. Yes, I know. Your car is here, so I don’t know why you’re not, but I guess just let me know whenever you can. I love you.” A knot began twisting in the pit of my stomach – our relationship would never be described as “stable” or “healthy”, a fact that my friend who was currently going to school to be a therapist (whatever that’s called – therapy school? Therapist school? How-does-that-make-you-feel school?) was always very quick to point out. “If someone really loved you, they wouldn’t make you feel this way.” “If he really loved you, he would make you a priority.” “People in healthy relationships don’t end up crying on their friends’ couches this much.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. We started dating when I was young – honestly, no frontal lobe development whatsoever – and we got way too serious way too quickly. What would you do if you were 19 and your boyfriend’s mom made you promise to take care of him on her deathbed? Yeah, that’s right, don’t judge me; maybe I should’ve left years earlier, but sometimes the hardest thing is to do is scream for help when your lungs have filled with water. So, I sat there. I sat on that porch for five hours and twenty-seven minutes and you can bet your ass if my watch counted seconds I would know those, too. Finally, the darkness was punctured by a harrowing halogen beacon, said beacon not being attached to any car I immediately recognized, but at this point a literal prostitute could’ve been driving him home and I wouldn’t have cared – the need to urinate was all encompassing and entirely overbearing. A slow roll, the sound of the door opening and quickly closing, a decidedly female voice offering promises of meeting again soon; the soft crunch of glass-flecked grass from when he accidentally broke two of my solar lights but never bothered to clean it up, the rattle of keys being removed from the same front, left pocket in which they always rested. “’bout time.” I slurred – admittedly, at some point during my wait I had decided to crack into the beers I had purchased earlier. And by “crack into” I mean “drink all of”. “jesus!” micah whispered, jumping back and assuming what I can only imagine was meant to be a defensive position, “Kat? What are you doing out here? Christ, you scared the SHIT outta me!” “Oh, no… are you slightly inconvenienced? Oh, oh, no… I would hate for your date to end on a sour note.” “Date? Oh, seriously, Kat? Really? You’re gonna get mad about me for hanging out with an old friend?” Micah’s mood immediately turned, and I knew it could only be headed in one direction. “Don’t bring him up.” I warned “For fuck’s sake” he huffed “so you’re free to throw my female friends in my face whenever you want, but I can’t bring up your so-called… what is it that you call him?” he asked in a mocking tone “best friend forever? Your little bestie? Bestie Bitch?” “Seriously, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Besides, that’s different.” I argued – the same argument we’ve had time and time again. “Oh, I do know what I’m talking about. I don’t give a shit that you guys have been friends since you were in diapers or whatever you want to claim – that guy is in love with you; he would be at the front of your line, and you know it.” He sneered “God, Micah, when are you finally going to admit that you’re unhappy? When will you stop trying so desperately to make ‘us’ work?” I pleaded, practically on my knees – because, damn, I was druuunk. “When will you?” I can’t explain what happened next, because never in my life have I been that person – the one who is strong enough to walk away, the one who can say no. I can only thank the Stella gods for giving me the distinguished courage to stand up – for, arguably, the first time in my life – and have the self-respect to finally walk away. “Now.” I blinked, suddenly realizing what I was saying, gathered what remained of my groceries (that I hadn’t eaten or drank) and stood up, ready to take the first step. Ready to make a move solely for myself, without worrying about someone who had never spent a day worrying about me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Back up… what?” Micah kept doing this ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ blinking and head shaking combination, probably unsure what to do in a situation where I wasn’t a complete pushover, “say that again? I had to hear you wrong.” “Now.” I said again, much more forcefully, “I’m done. You’re done. We’re done, that simple. I’m leaving – I’ll, uh, come back sometime to get my stuff. I’m taking Penelope and MacGyver.” “You’re serious? Oh, you sweet, simple little bunny… just like that? Just… done? Where do you think you’re gonna go?” he had turned condescending, and I was not there for that. At. All. “I told you to stop calling me that, you ass. I’ll find somewhere to stay – so many people have been begging me to leave you and offering their homes as shelter, it’s not me I’m worried about.” “Well leave your key, I don’t want you sneaking back in here and taking my shit.” Oh, Micah, you always were unnecessarily paranoid. Looking back, it was probably the drugs I didn’t know you were taking. “I lost my key – if you answered your phone, you’d know that.” “Are you sure you can’t stay – we can talk this out?” “There’s nothing to talk about, Micah. We’re done. Now, get the hell out of my way, I’m leaving.” “You can’t drive, you’ve been drinking… you have to stay.” He had a point, and I’m honestly super terrified of breaking the law, but before he had even finished his sentence, I had my phone out and was halfway to dialing the only person I could consistently rely on. “Kat, baby? What’s wrong?” he answered – he always answers. “I’m sorry, Phoenix, I know it’s late… I just” oh, no, the tears. The tears started happening. “I don’t give a shit what time it is – you can call me day or night, you know that – you just never call.” His voice had taken on a tender quality, probably in response to my sobs. “I, uh, I… ah, fuck, can you come get me? Please?” “Absolutely, where are you?” “Ho-“ Micah cast a harsh glare in my direction, “… um, Micah’s house.” I corrected myself – this place hadn’t ever really been my home, anyway. “… is that a new place, or a new name for an old place?” I could hear his hesitancy – I didn’t know how to approach this situation, how could I expect him to? “It’s the same address… just a different situation.” I didn’t really want to get into it, considering Mr. Glarey McGlareson was still shooting eye-daggers at me. “Give me ten minutes.” “Don’t speed.” I attempted to sound stern “Kitkat, I’m coming to pick you up from what I can only assume to be your now ex-boyfriend’s house, I’ll be there in ten minutes or I owe you a bag of chips.” “I’m timing you.” “You’d better.” “Well isn’t that just precious – you’re moving on mighty fast there, Kitkat.” Micah sneered as soon as I hung up on Phoenix. “Seriously? Don’t. Just, don’t. I’m not the one who got dropped off by another woman.” I warned, but it was hollow – honestly, whoever she was, call that bitch up and I’ll thank her myself for being the impetus for this conversation. Micah decided it would be better to not wait with me, and I couldn’t have agreed more. He told me he would call me when he felt comfortable with me getting my stuff – I told him I would be by to get my cats by the end of the following week. He snorted some semblance of an agreement, walked up the two-steps to the small porch, stalked through the front door and ended the entire conversation with a slam. Nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds later, Phoenix’s truck pulled up in front of the 1940s bungalow I wouldn’t sleep another night in. How magnificent. “Jesus, P, how fast did you go?” “What do I need to load? What’s the game plan?” he clapped his hands, rubbing them together like he was either about to do some manual labor or concoct a dastardly plot to take down that do-gooder, Dudley. “I’m sorry, game plan?” I asked, still pretty tipsy, considering. “Yeah – let’s get this done, move you out. Why wait?” “Well, for one, it’s like three in the morning. For two, this wasn’t planned and I haven’t even packed a single shred of anything. I’m not ready, I’ll just come back.” “What’s in your hands?” confusion echoed across his handsome features. I mean, sure we’re only friends, but I can appreciate a good lookin’ guy, you feel me? “What?” I looked down, because honestly I had kind of forgotten, “Oh, groceries.” I shrugged. “That bastard let you go to the grocery store before he broke up with you?” “Hey! Who says he broke up with me?” “Kat, girl, it’s you…” head cocked, twinge of guilt, but ultimately not a wrongful assessment “Yeah, well, ya girl grew a pair tonight. My bitch ass left his bitch ass.” Sassy really isn’t my forte, but I gave it a go. “Oh, now I need to hear the full story.” Behind my head I heard a window crank open, that particular window was in the kitchen which looked directly out over the portion of the front yard in which we were currently standing. Phoenix and I both turned from the intruding noise. “Seriously, guys?” Micah deadpanned from the window – his hair was askew, his eyes red, and a cigarette was hanging from his lips “DON’T SMOKE INSIDE” Phoenix and I yelled in unison, looking at each other and giggling like schoolgirls “Yeah, my house, my rules, now seriously fuck off.” And with that little nugget, he stalked off to probably watch porn right in the living room because apparently the house was now a lawless land. “I really hate that guy” Phoenix noted “I really know you do.” “What were you thinking?” he whined “I have asked myself that every day for the past 5 years.”

The drive to Phoenix’s house took decidedly longer than nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds, probably because we took back roads so we could listen to music longer – something we had always done. There was always singing, usually dancing, and more than a few times there were tears. After minor protest, he helped me carry in my groceries. Unlocking the door, he flicked on the light to reveal the home he had been pouring his heart into renovating for the past two years. The coffee table was new – he built it. “Just put the groceries on the counter and I’ll help you put them up.” He whispered “Thanks – I would say we could just toss them and start over, but these are kind of my only worldly possessions right now, and I’m a little attached.” I whispered back, because duh. “I understand – it’s hard to not get attached to…” plucking a random box out of my bags, “tender whites popcorn.” He said, still whispering. “Hey, P, did you get a roommate?” “Hell, naw, why?” “Why are we whispering?” “Ha!” he laughed, louder now, “in my head we were sneaking into one of our parents’ houses. God, sometimes in my head we’re still teenagers.” He was clearly reminiscing. “I wish things were still that simple.” I released on a sigh “Well, do you wanna sleep or talk?” he was never one to tiptoe around the delicate “Honestly? Sleep. I promise I’ll give you the full story over the coffee you make me in the morning “God” he snorted “you will never change, huh?” “Here’s hoping.” “Wouldn’t want you any other way. The guest room is made up, you know the way, I’m hitting the hay. If you need anything, keep it to your damn self because I’m sleepy. Love you, bestie.” He gave me a quick hug – because even after being friends for most of our lives, neither of us was particularly physically demanding “I love you, too, P. I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks for saving my ass, again.” “Anytime, KK.” We parted ways, him walking to his master bedroom, and me walking to the guest bedroom situated directly across the short hallway. He paused at his door, and looked back at me “Kat?” I paused, and turned as well, “yeah, Phoenix?” “…welcome back.” “Where had I gone?” “Nowhere good.” The pain was obvious on his face “You’re not wrong, bestie. You’re not wrong.” “You’ll get through this.” “I always do.” “I’ll be right here.” “… you always are” I added before finally closing my door. I guess, in a way, I was back. Like waking up after a deep sleep riddled with nightmares, full of monsters and shadows holding you down and filling you with a sense of inferiority. I suppose, in some small measure, this was one of the first monumental moments of clarity in my fog-riddled existence. I only wish I had stayed up my upward trajectory, stayed full of hope and happiness, kept the lightness of losing a boyfriend-sized weight. Ah, well, I wouldn’t have much of a story to tell then, now would I?

[straciata]

Abunaicon 2018 Conreport

Another brief con report! (And wow I really need to remember to take more pics next time)

I was at Abunai last weekend and it was a lot of fun honestly. I was in a deep artlow this whole year but this con really helped me crawl out of it.

This con was my first time standing alone, my usual tablemate Cheriin couldn't make it sadly. Afterwards it may have been for the best because I totally forgot how little space there is behind one table. One thing which was a good improvement from previous editions of Abunaicon tho is the addition of airconditioning. Abunai has a notorious history of heatwaves during their weekend (I remember wearing a tanktop and shorts in the 2016 edition and still melting), but the wheather was actually pretty doable this time. Granted we’ve had a gigantic heatwave this summervacation.

I went shopping for some new cool stuff to display my new A5 artprints ánd to buy more of those adhesive poster gummies.

Friday

I was up early to make some last-minute buttons, like the good planner I am. Dealerroom didn't open until 6pm so I had a lot of time.

I arrived at the Central Station and guess what I forgot… the adhesives gummies. So I had to buy super expensive new ones at the station.

It wasn’t over yet however, when I finally arrived on the con I noticed I also forgot any form of paper, my comissionpricelist, my portfolio folder, all the display prints and a pair of scissors!

I nearly finished when the doors opened and I already had a lot of customers before I even sorted everything out behind my table, which is actually a pretty good thing to be honest.

A LOT of musical fans came by and were stoked to finally find some musical fanart. Also quite a lot camp camp fans, which was supercool.

(One of the commissions I made as well)

I also talked to an old friend I hadn’t talked to for a longer time again! He bought me fries because I was bound to my table and was starving. It was supersweet ;;

Late at night I arrived at my hotel, which was pretty secluded. So I was walking along in the dark when suddenly a duck quacked and flapped his wings and I almost screamed.

I had a double room for myself at the hotel, which was luxurious on one hand, but it was also pretty expensive. They also had this really scary wallpaper depicting a black-and-white groupsphoto of some old people. It creeped me out a lot, especially when the lights were dimmed. The whites of the eyes were hardly visible and it looked like they had black sockets where their eyes should’ve been. It didn’t help that the faucet started leaking suddenly and there was a weird mechanical sound appearing from time to time.

I quite literally had a nightmare that night..

Saturday

I searched around on google maps for a supermarket and I was in luck! I bought some bread for breakfast and an ice coffee. Also a chocolatebar for my lovely table neighbour Marlon from dreamchaserart@instagram, because she went and got me some watercolour paper to do my commissions! Saturday was a lot busier. I introduced myself to the other neighbours and they so happened to be organizing a brand new con. They were discussing hiring an artist for promowork and they seemed interested in my work. So I really hope I can do some work for them, it would be so awesome to represent a con!

A lot of people came back to buy some more, even on the same day haha. And there were quite a lot comments on my artstyle, that really brightened my day. I had a few good (and pretty long) conversations and overall it was a good day! Spongebob cosplayers also visited my stand and it was amazing, they even had a skit which another spongebob cosplayer recorder for me and aahhh, it was so cool, I got all emotional!

When I was about to go home (I only booked a hotel for one night) I met up with Marlon again by coincidence and we decided to get diner together. We had pokebowls and they were suupergood.

We talked a lot, it even got dark by the time we finished up! I arrived home pretty late and immediately jumped into my bed.

Sunday

Due to my work at my parents takeaway I had to leave early today, I still had a commission due from saturday and since I didn’t expect too many customers in the four hours, I wasn’t in too much of a hurry. Nothing that special happened this day. Tho I had a pretty long conversation with a customer while I actually should’ve been packing up. No surprise I missed the bus, but it was cool.

I’m really sad I didn’t have time to talk to a single other artist this weekend, since I didn’t have anyone to cover for me and I had to leave early. Other than that it was a fantastic weekend and I really got my excitement for cons back. I’m considering making a sort of minicomics to sell at conventions, so I’m really excited about that!

All in all, the new buttons did pretty well. As well as the keychains. As opposed to previous cons, a lot less of my A3 prints sold and a lot more of the smaller prints and accessories. I wondered if that was because of my small space and a lot went by unnoticed, so that’s a thing I have to work on. I’ve ordered some little clip-on reading lights to make my darker posters more visible. I’ve also had a lot of cons were I had crappy lightning so I hope this will fix the problem.

[jenatwork]

Mental illness and self-care at work

 I’ve had more than one person (including my doctor, ugh) suggest to me that, since I hold down a full-time (and fairly high-level) job, my mental illness can’t be all that bad.

Not true. It’s not uncommon for people with mental illnesses to work full-time, to reach high levels of management or be self-employed and successful. I’m lucky to have a job that I genuinely like, working for an NPO, and my job is my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. In previous jobs, I absolutely have been unwilling to get up or leave the house, taken long stretches of sick-leave or resigned when a job wouldn’t enable me to take time off when I needed it. And even in this job that I love, I struggle a lot, and often can’t do much in the evenings when I get home.

The reason I get by at work is because I’ve developed a ton of self-care strategies and coping mechanisms so that even when I’m tearing myself up inside, I can still get shit done.

 1.       Dress for work.

My job has a fairly relaxed dress code, and if I want to wear jeans and a T-shirt I actually can (and sometimes do). But on days when I’m wearing a button-down shirt or a smart dress, it makes me feel ‘managerial’. It puts me in a work-ready frame of mind before I even leave the house. In previous jobs where I had a uniform, I felt better when my uniform looked good – shirt ironed, smart shoes, and so on. I’m not at work to get a date; I’m here to lead my team and run my shop, and looking the part is like putting on a costume to get me into character.

 2.       Wear stuff you like.

Having said all that, wearing a bit of jewellery or a pair of socks that make me smile helps too! So I’ll wear my button-down shirt, but I’ll wear a pair of dinosaur earrings, or a Pride wristband, or my BMO socks, and get a little reminder of something that makes me smile. My Line Manager actually notices and makes positive comments (I’m lucky to have a Line Manager who appreciates that I’m unapologetically nerdy). If you can’t wear pierced jewellery, wear character socks or a tie-pin or put a keychain on your bag.

 3.       Take packed lunches.

Even if it’s a sandwich you made five minutes before you left the house, it can be a reminder that you did something positive to take care of yourself. When I’m feeling well, I take time to make elaborate decobento boxes or try new recipes. When I’m doing okay, I do meal-prep while making my dinner in the evening (or make extra and pack up the left-overs). When I’m not doing well, I have packets of ramen and small cans of veggies that I can heat up in the microwave at work. Taking even a few minutes to plan ahead and save a bit of money makes me feel like I’ve got some control and am looking after myself. Also, as I have ASD, I have issues with food choice, and if I have to buy a sandwich at the supermarket and they don’t have what I like I can have a full-on meltdown before I even get to work, so packed lunches eliminate that possibility.

 4.       Have healthy snacks available.

Obviously this isn’t possible for everyone, but if you have an office or a break-room and can keep your own food, it helps. I keep cereal and a pack of dried fruit in my office for when I couldn’t manage to make breakfast or if I forget my packed lunch or just want to keep myself from raiding the staff biscuit tin. Eating healthy food regularly also means your brain has fuel to work and focus.

 5.       Use a planner.

I started bullet journaling two years ago, and it’s had a big impact on managing my mental health. As well as helping to organise work stuff, I have spaces for doodling and bullet journaling, so if things get too much I can sit at my desk and have five minutes just putting the bad thoughts down on paper. It probably looks a bit overly dramatic when I read it back later, but at the time, it really helps me to put my thoughts in order and get some stuff out of my system. Plus it’s a way to switch off from work but still look like I’m doing something productive if anyone walks by my office!

 6.       Delegate tasks.

If you’re a supervisor, team leader or manager, trying to do everything yourself can be tempting. My mental illness often makes me feel like I’m worthless if I’m not doing everything myself, but then if I do too much I tire myself out and literally can’t do anything. So I’ve had to work hard to learn to delegate stuff to my team. But I’ve realised that delegating actually helps to remind myself that I’m in charge and I’m managing a team, not just running a business. It takes a bit of effort sometimes to train staff to do something they haven’t done before, but training someone on one specific task saves you a ton of time and energy in the future when you can hand the job to them (or even get them to train someone else!)

 7.       Personalise your work space.

Again, this doesn’t work for everyone. I have a tiny cubbyhole of an office with no door so anyone can walk in at any time. But I have a couple of photographs of my niece pinned up above my computer. Three years ago, when I was at my absolute lowest, the one thing that kept me from killing myself was thinking that I’d never get to see my niece grow up. I also collect little plastic dinosaurs on a bit of empty shelf space, and sometimes my staff even bring one to add to the collection!

 8.       Take breaks.

If you’re bound to take breaks when you’re told to, make the most of them. Have something to read or something relaxing to do (not video games – give your eyes a screen break and enjoy time passing slowly for a while). Sit away from your usual work space. This one is tough for me because we don’t have a break room and I can’t really leave the building, so I switch off my monitor and read or write in my planner.

 9.       Work in short bursts.

When I’m really struggling mentally, I can’t focus on anything for very long. So I work on one thing for about half an hour, then move to a different part of the shop and do something else. I take short breaks – maybe five minutes – then go back to task for another half hour or so.

 10.   Record your achievements.

I do this in my planner, but anywhere you can keep a list works. It’s especially useful on those days when I’m working in short bursts. Even if it’s stuff like ‘answered an e-mail’ or ‘submitted supplies order’, stuff I do daily, having that reminder that I’m getting stuff done helps to keep me motivated.

 11.   Encourage and appreciate others.

Honestly, this is the one I often find the hardest. When my mood is low and I’m isolated from friends, find the mental energy to praise other people seems almost impossible. But it keeps my team motivated and means they’ll work hard even if I’m not. I find that delegating tasks is easiest if my team feel like I’m someone they want to work for. Plus saying positive things to others can help lift my mood when I see them feeling encouraged.

 None of this stuff is intended to be a magical quick-fix. It’s stuff that requires mental and physical effort. I don’t do all of them all of the time (I wore jeans and a T-shirt at work today, and I’m really struggling with the ‘encouraging others’ bit lately since my mood has been particularly low). But putting in that effort is an investment in both my job and my mental health. Yes, it does often leave me exhausted by the end of the day. But putting the effort into my job means I build my sense of self-worth (when I’m unwell and my friends aren’t reaching out to me, I remind myself that my job benefits tons of other people). It means I can pay my bills, and live independently, and have money to do fun stuff when I am feeling well.

I realise this isn’t ‘fairy lights and blanket forts’ fluffy self-care, but I hope this shows it’s possible to hold down a job with a mental illness (and also serves as a reminder that your colleagues who seem like they’ve got their shit together might actually be struggling as well).

[travlingrabbit]

All the places! (Tokyo Day 2)

Ohayou! It is currenty 8:24am 5/15/18.

This is the update for yesterday!  We got up and ready and joined our hosts for breakfast for which we got salmon and a local fish, soup, freshly cooked rice, and some pickled vegetables! We then headed out to Shibuya! Hachiko was waiting  for us and we got free pictures taken of us with him on my phone! For those of you who don’t know, Hachiko is a famous dog in Japan and so his statue is quite the attraction. Close by is the actual Shibuya crossing. We did it! and I braved my fear of large crowds. Toe’t  think that we were nervous of Tokyo being too overwhelming and almost skipping visiting here. We were already on day two and having a good handle of the metro system. We didn’t even use our phones to get there at all.  After Hachiko and the crossing, we wandered around a bit. Shibuya reminds me of New York city in the way it looks and flows. We found a Starbucks and took our time looking at the products and figuring out what we wanted to do. I want a location specific mug from the main cities we visit so I picked out a Tokyo thermos/tumbler and even today, way over 12 hours later, it’s still ice cold! I paid a lot for it but I’d say it’s worth it! Kendra and I each got a small pudding cup. Hers was coffee with jellies and mine was mango passionfruit with jellies. The coffee and fruit themes continued when she got a cold brew coffee and I got an iced Yuzu citrus tea! Everything was delicious.

After wandering some more, we hopped back on the train and went to Harajuku, the place where the fashion is the most out-there. It was so great to wander Takeshita Street. There was so much that I really would have liked to buy as far as skirts and jumpers but the prices were on the high end and I decided that it wasn’t something I should do. I already brought quite a lot of clothes. I did purchase a bag keychain type thing. It was too cute to resist. Its the softest rabbit and it doesn’t have a tail so I named it Nishi-chan because Nishi means “without” in Japanese. Time gets away from us easily here so we soon realized that it was lunch time and we needed food. Thankfully, there was a crepe stand with savory crepes as well as dessert ones and we each purchased one. I got a teriyaki chicken and mayo one and Kendra got a plain chicken and mayo one. They were delicious and we thoroughly enjoyed listening to the sound of children singing at a school a little ways away while sitting in the shade. 

After Harajuku, we went to Akibara and honestly didn’t really know what to do so after some short wandering, a stop at a fancy grocery store for milk bread, tomatoes and salmon onigiri, we went home. Home being Ikebukero at the AirBnB. 

Since we went to the Izakaya the night before, we got ready for our fancy dinner! We arrived at Itamae Sushi Edo looking nicely elegant if I do say so myself, and put our shoes in the super cute lockers provided. We were seated shortly and looked over the menu for a bit. Being very hungry, we ordered a lot of food. Kendra got the roasted sushi combo, seafood pudding and sweet plum wine while I got a different sushi combo, assorted tempura and a grapefruit shochu drink. We got full very quickly and tried a lot of new things with our sushi. It was my first time trying uni and my first time trying roe. We are both happy we went but didn’t have the palette for all of our food. The ending to dinner was cold sake, my first time trying it. I was surprised by how light and sweet tasting it was! 

We got home well and went pretty much straight to bed so I didn’t update then. We had pancakes for breakfast here this morning and our day ahead includes some anime related things and hiking a Ghibli forest. We will be leaving for that soon!

I hope you all are well! I’ll admit my legs and feet are still very swollen. I’m going to work on drinking as much water as possible and see if that helps. 

Ja, mattane!

-travlingrabbit

[thefallenchildofthestars]

trigger warning

welp. i was looking at the sunset, listening to music (as one does) and i just started bawling my eyes out. for no reason, i was listening to i hear a symphony and its just like pluto projector times like seven and no one will take this song from me and i love it so much and i just bawled my eyes out and recorded it on my phone so i could look at it. 

so here’s my thoughts while i was crying at the sunset:

~ i just really want to belong somewhere and be someone who has some sort of value in life, instead of someone who just kinda is there and floats. like genuienly, if i disappered no one would notice. no one would care. no one would do anything. i hate it. i want to sit on the clouds and have them running through my hands and i want to look down on the world and giggle at how important everything seems when in reality it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. i want to look at the places i fell in love and smile as i think of the memories instead of ducking my head and fighting tears. i want to look at the places i grew up and actually remember what happened there. i want to look at the places my internet friend’s live and check on them. i want to know that everyone is okay without having to actually be there. 

~ what would it be like to be a goddess? to be in charge of something so important, to be sought out in difficult times, to have the ability to do something important with my life? would it be nice or would it just be stressful and draining?

~ TW: i miss SH. i made friends with someone who had cut their face and i never said anything because that is incredibly rude and can be upsettting but it made me want to relapse. which isnt their fault, seeing peoples scars in general are pretty triggering so it wasn’t anything crazy and i dont blame them. i wanted to let them know that they were beautiful and that they didn’t have to wear hoodies all of the time and sheild their face from children and deal with the joker jokes. i wish they didn’t feel the need to sh at all, but it’s okay that they feel like that sometimes. it’s okay to feel like that. it’s okay to feel. it’s okay. 

~ (tw?) i want to be able to walk up to cute boys in target and not worry about asking for their numbers. i want to not think of what if he thinks im not pretty or if im not skinny or if im not good enough, but i did it!!! his name is joe and he was really sweet about it. so yeah! im gonna work up the courage to text him by tomorrow

~ i’m re-dying my hair tonight and i wonder if the sky would approve of my hair, what the starts would think of my new look. i’m excited because i can finally dye my hair blue after this but tonight i am bleaching it and keeping it blonde for a hot minute just because i’ve always been a little curious as to what it would be like to be a pretty blonde girl.

~ i really like the color yellow lately. i’’ve always loved brown ofc, but like yellow has been hitting differently lately and that’s okay!! my nails are painted yellow, my room is yellow, i bought a tiny yellow peep keychain for my keys and i’m happy about it!!! because there’s nothing else to be happy about so i will be happy about peep keychains. 

~ i went to target today with leila and my sister and i wish that abriella was there but it’s alright she’ll have to come next time. but we got socks and her’s were cool turtles skating and i got racoons in a trashcan and it was really cool to just buy a bunch of target socks that are cute because i love socks!!! i wear them 24/7 and i love socks. 

~ i love the dream smp. i specifically love tommy and wilbur and tubbo, but i love them as a whole too. i watch them daily and it really lets me just emerse myself in something so nice and so amazing. i’ve been getting all of the money together for my dream PC setup so i can play minecraft and stream and officially start my youtube channel and like i am so excited because it’s gonna be so much fun. 

~ i bought a disposable camera!!! i took a picture with leila today because i had bought it with her and i wanted to remember it, but i am so excited for the pictures to be developed and everything. i also am thinking about buying a camcorder to just record a bunch of stuff this summer so im probably gonna order that on amazon or look in thrift stores and the such. 

yeah!!! those are all of the thoughts that came to my head and im just gonna vibe for the rest of the night and try to enjoy myself 

<3 dm me if you need to talk to someone or maybe i’ll do a chat room or something because i’ve gained some new followers so we can chat a little bit

[themiddlelayer]

Apartment Life

I’m moved in completely and just have a few stupid little household items I need to buy and/or am waiting to arrive. The apartment seems much bigger now that I’ve got my things here, but I ended up turning one of the bathrooms into my pantry since it’s right off the kitchen. I also bought a portable washing machine that will fit in my bathtub.

It’s been non-stop for the last couple weeks, so there hasn’t been much time for me to actually deal with the feelings. Truth be told, I feel like a ticking time bomb. 

I got almost all of my things out of Tampa’s place Friday night so on Saturday things went really smooth. I drove his car up to the airport, picked up the U-Haul and went to MM’s house. He and his primary gf did the bulk of the loading while Cookie and I assisted. I drove the 15 foot truck, a first for me, and had a little breakdown leaving the neighborhood for what’s likely the very last time but I made it safely back into town. 

I picked my couch up then went to Tampa’s place to get the last of my things out. I left the keys on the kitchen counter and left them on the Bruce Campbell keychain he gave me when we first started dating. 

At my apartment, Gaymer and Greywolf did the heavy lifting while Cookie and I toted the smaller stuff up the stairs. I got my bedroom and bathroom set up the first night then got the rest of the place together these last few days. 

LEO and I have chatted a few times and he’s gone straight to the “I love you, Baby” thing. I haven’t committed to anything by a long shot, but I have to admit that it feels good. My other thought is that if he and I do a kind of LDR it will keep me from doing anything stupid out of loneliness. Of course with his schedule, our chats have been fewer and further between than I’d like. I messaged him the ‘good morning’ thing yesterday and haven’t gotten a reply yet. Part of me is annoyed and pissed off and the other part of me is worried because he is a cop and things happen. 

This morning I was in my Google drive and I came across our pictures from the weekend 10 years ago when LEO and I met up in Kansas. We spent a day at a little lakeside spot that was called “Whispering Hope” which I always found fitting. Against my better judgement, I sent him a couple of them but he hasn’t seen the message yet. That spawned a mini-meltdown this morning before work.

Some people have the ‘always the bridesmaid, never the bride thing.’ I have the thing where I’m always ‘the one who got away’ to others, including LEO. In a lot of cases, I’ve dodged a bullet and I know it. But there are moments where I wonder if it might have been an easier path. If I could have changed the course of their path enough that things would have been easier for them, too.  

On another note, Tampa has turned out to be even more of a toddler than I expected. He “cleaned out his facebook” and blocked me then sent me a text message me saying that he was going to throw away the couch I bought there. I reached out to Faust because I know one of his slaves needs furniture and when he messaged Tampa, Tampa told Faust not to contact him again. 

Tampa later messaged me, upset about me leaving the keychain because it “obviously didn’t mean anything to me” and also sent me a picture of the mug I got him for Christmas in the trash. I didn’t engage and he later messaged me saying that I “stole the pizza cutter.” I replied that I would return it and to let me know if I’d grabbed anything else by mistake. He responded that he didn’t want it back but it was a “huge inconvenience” for him. Ugh. 

Last night Tampa messaged again because a package had arrived for me. This afternoon I went by to pick it up and bring him the box of little computer parts I’d been using as a riser for my monitor. I put the pizza cutter in the bag, too... 

Driving over, I felt like I was going to throw up but I kept telling myself that he would be at work so I wouldn’t have to actually see him. I was wrong, but I still managed to grab my package and leave his on the porch undetected. 

Cue mini-meltdown #2 of the day. Why was he home in the middle of the day like that? Is he okay? Is he going to lose his job? And I talked myself down reminding myself that he dug this hole and refused to put the shovel down. 

I know that I’m the bad guy in his story and I’m doing my best to just accept that I did my best and acted in good faith. I did nothing but love and trust him until he gave me reason not to and rather than excusing or allowing it, I took action and did what I had to do to keep myself emotionally and financially safe. Period. 

The funny part: I got home and discovered that the pizza cutter had fallen out of the bag and was sitting on my front seat. 

I’m “at work” now (as usual) and waiting for pest control and maintenance to come by. I’d found dead bugs (roaches... yuck!) when I moved in and 3 live ones. I spread diatomaceous earth under all the cabinets and so far I haven’t seen anymore. 

The maintenance guy has already replaced the lock on my mailbox, changed the HVAC filter and he had to flip the breaker on the heating system because I spent the weekend using a space heater and shivering. The seal on my front door is total crap so my living room has been really cold while my bedroom turns into an oven at night. I’m hoping he’ll come by today. 

I also discovered that I’m too short to open the dumpster lid all the way. That made for a bit of comedy when I went down to get rid of the last of my boxes and packing supplies. 

On a better note, Gaymer just messaged me saying that he made “too much banana bread” and wants to bring me some after work. I have to pick up a grocery order but otherwise my entire day is looking like a lot of pretending to be busy and battling the guilt over getting paid so well for doing so little. 

I’m scheduling my meltdown for Sunday afternoon since I’m going to Cookie’s to do laundry and color her hair Saturday morning. We were supposed to double date to a chocolate festival thing Saturday night but Faust is working and Tampa.. well, yeah. We talked about making that our early Galentine’s Day thing but we’ll see. 

Here’s to the next chapter! *sigh*

[20straveling]

11.18.2017 ~ I am my Own Self, Hear me (expl)ROAR!

           To start with: I have changed my writing location. Previously, all of my blogs were written from the comfort and warmth of my bed, where I could unabashedly take my time lopping words into paragraphs to update the people back home. Today, on the eighteenth of November, in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Seventeen, I have chosen to write from within the aromatic and hazy haven of Yogurt Barn. Nothing short of my personal favorite location within the city, this little yogurt shop/café has been the subject of some of my absolute cutest and most “aesthetic” photos I’ve taken so far. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like it doesn’t deserve to be appreciated, but I know many of you are thinking: “come on Marissa, you couldn’t find a better place to religiously spend your money?” The answer is no, I couldn’t—I pick favorites and I hold onto them tight for fear of, well, who knows actually.

             Anyway, you guys probably want to get to the part where I tell you what I’ve been up to since my last post three and a half weeks ago! I am so sorry for being gone so long but when you hear what I’ve been up to, maybe you can forgive me? First thing to note, now that I’m finally telling you about the things I’ve been up to, is that I’m not trying too hard to go in chronological order because, honestly, when I get home I’ll just be spouting information and stories, rather than walking you through my itinerary.

           Okay, lets jump in: I got a new tattoo and a haircut within the same two-week window and I am loving this pseudo-reinvention of myself while being abroad. The tattoo is a beautiful daisy and accompanying sprig of leaves on my inner right arm. The haircut is a straight bob with an undercut (where they shave the underside of your hair, while leaving the top layers like normal). I’ll admit: I feel kind of like a badass with this look, which I need for a bit of moral pep during the last few weeks before heading home. The tattoo parlor I went to is the oldest within the city and the gentlemen there were very nice and were able to set up an appointment within the same week that I went in for a consultation. The cost was the price of expertise and materials and a beautiful tattoo, so I’d say it was worth it.

           {Here’s my two cents, for all those that don’t quite understand or agree with the choice to get tattoos: my tattoos are mementos, reminders. My favorite part of this city is the constant display and arrangement of flowers that add color and life to city. Yes, there are colorful people and colorful buildings, but the connection with nature will never go underappreciated within my own mind. I have photos of these flowers and the scenes that made me smile but the mentality of having living things, or a tattoo of a living thing, on my body makes me much happier because I am a part of those things that live and grow and die and return after their death. Also: my body is mine and I am the only one who has a say in what happens to it. The end.}

           Moving on! My haircut was quite the adventure because I got it done for free during student exam/lessons for Toni&Guy salon, which is actually right across the square from my beloved Yogurt Barn. The whole experience took about two hours, in which the teacher gave quite the sass-attack to some of the students, and I realized the girl cutting my hair was really good, but so anxious about creating an irreversible mistake on my hair. I reassured her that hair grows and honestly, just do what you’re comfortable with—and that kind of bit me back in the long run because, to be honest dear reader, I was not entirely pleased with my haircut when I walked about of the salon. They gave me a center part and the undercut was a triangle, rather than a flat shave like I wanted, but fear not! I have grown to love it, and I can part it however I want, obviously. My wise and clearly-much-smarter-than-I friend, Kelly, called me out and told me to stop being a wuss and just tell people what I want when I go into a service industry. She’s totally right. I am a wuss. I don’t like to inconvenience people or to cause unnecessary stress if I don’t have to: it’s much easier to stay quiet and remember that, in this case, hair grows.

           Also, fun fact, The Netherlands isn’t as huge into Halloween as America is (we tend to be excessive about everything) but our neighborhood is full of expats and so we attended the cutest little coordinated trick-or-treat festivities all day and collected a non-chocolate centered candy haul after running around after a little blue dinosaur (Emilio’s costume), and I was busy being an obnoxious adult who cared too much about Halloween as I dressed up like Harry Potter.

           On to the next adventure! For three blissful days, my friend from home came to visit and we tore up Amsterdam and had the most fun I’ve had in years. A three hour walking tour lead by a naturally sociable guide led to an amusing and educational tour of the inner city of Amsterdam, including the Red Light District and some of the canals­­—and a café/bar with a cat! (my friend and I love cats, so this was a potential highlight on the “unexpected” list). After our tour we toured the Van Gogh Museum and I fell in love with an artist that I had already adored from afar back in my Art History classes at St. Mary’s. Along with the wonderful artwork, we also discovered that audio tours within museums are completely worth the extra charge if you want to feel more immersed within the works, or if you’re like us, and have someone who’s not entirely sure they’re interested in the artworks that they’re about to spend over an hour looking at. We used audio tours for all of the following museums we went to, including the Rijksmuseum, Anne Frank House, Rembrandt Studio, and Escher in the Palace (we went to a lot of museums, and thank god my friend actually enjoyed some of it, because they’re not really an art person like I am). While they visited, we stayed at an AirBnB and I can confirm that this is my preferred method of staying anywhere now. The comfort of a home with the amenities of a hotel all in one—I’ve started investigating long term stays for my trip to Ireland, but more on that later! Last couple of adventures in Amsterdam included a trip to the Zoo (mainly to see the Red Pandas), a great dinner out at a place called Haesje Claes, and the some time spent wandering around The Hague after two days of running ourselves up a wall to get all our planned activities done. A wonderful weekend with some great photos to commemorate the trip will be surely discussed when I return.

           The following weekend, the family and I traveled to Zaandam and went to the clog factory there, which is situated in the cutest little town that has been preserved from it’s factory days into picturesque quaint charm, surrounded by windmills and colored homes, and small shops. Although it rained for most of the time we were there, the atmosphere of the town was something I had been craving during my trip abroad, and something I plan to seek out again before I leave. I did not buy myself a pair of clogs—my mother’s rational voice of “when will you ever actually wear these” was constantly running through my head—but, I did buy a miniature pair that are more like keychain or display style because I loved the level of detail in the carving. The whole town was situated on a series of small canals and beyond the section where the “clog town” sat, lay fields and the actual world beyond. Only turning around to head home did we once again return to the city-scape and the more stereotypical Netherlands style homes.

           On to the final notes, which may come as a relief after reading two pages of single spaced story telling. I visited one of the oldest churchs in The Hague and it was absolutely stunning, as to be expected. I will never cease to seek out these beautiful creations that are testaments to the amazing works that can be created by man to worship amazing works done by God/Jesus. Honestly, I should be making an effort to explore more religious temples and grounds, but I’m not quite that comfortable yet with the invasion of other religions I don’t understand or know enough about. If you were curious, the church I visited is called “St. James the Church in The Hague,” and it was amazing to see how even within this church the details were naturally oriented, with vines and trees in the tile work and the general beauty of the rest of the art within.

             So, what’s next? This weekend I am touring the Peace Palace, and tomorrow, Sunday, I will be venturing out to some town to take photos of windmills—I haven’t quite planned that far ahead yet and therefor I can’t actually name anywhere yet. Next weekend, we have taken on the momentous task of hosting Thanksgiving (even though, in full European fashion, I am already skipping forward to Christmas), and then the final weekend I am here, I will be packing, prepping, and pretending I’m not about to be going home. That’s right folks, this Monday marks the two-week countdown for when I return home! The boring part of this means that I start working (hopefully) no later than December eleventh, but this also means I have so much fun to share very very soon with everyone and I cannot wait to tell you guys all about it!

 <3 M

 11.18.2017

[darisu-chan]

Firsts

So I wrote this fanfiction about a week ago, but I wanted to wait to read the new chapter to add the final details. However, yesterday I was too shocked to write anything, and I finished this today. Hope you like it. This is basically Touken’s journey from Kaneki’s POV. You can also read it here.

Summary: Touka is not the first girl Kaneki likes, but she’s the first girl he loves.

1.

Touka is not the first girl that Kaneki likes. She is definitely not the first one to catch his interest. There were others before her. He does think she’s cute when Hide points to her at the coffee shop, so long ago it seems like centuries have passed. But, although she is attractive, he has his eyes set on another girl, who unknowingly sets his life spiraling towards the path of tragedy.

Kamishiro Rize is both beautiful and smart. And she likes the same books as Kaneki does. Not to mention, she accepts going on a date with him. Kaneki is not hopeless anymore. And he thinks this could be the start of something new, until she corners him on an empty alley and tries to eat him.

His life changes forever.

There’s no time for love and dates when you become a monster, and have to deal with your new life.

Kirishima Touka is not the first girl that Kaneki Ken likes, but she’s the first girl that gets him.

She seems to dislike him at first, and Kaneki, who’s always struggled with self-esteem issues, knows why she does. He’s weak, he knows that, a coward, and annoying. There’s no reason why someone like Touka should have to deal with him. Yet, she tries. Touka teaches him how to make coffee the way Yoshimura-san does, and then she starts training with him, teaching him how to use his kagune. She tries to toughen him up, to prepare him for this wicked world. Kaneki just wishes he was a better student, but he’s grateful for the help. Touka is a survivor, a warrior, and he must become like her,

Before Kaneki realizes, Touka has taught him what he needs to know about this new world he lives in. She also saves him more than once from ghouls he ought to have known to keep out of their way.

She worries about him, and that wrenches his heart painfully and beautifully. Because Touka, −brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− cares about him. And he is so undeserving of that attention that he doesn’t know what to do with those feelings. So he keeps them to himself.

And he also worries about her. Because she takes matters into her own hands, putting herself in danger time and time again. Maybe she’s a little like him, lonely and desperate for love, so desperate that she’d rather hurt than hurt others. And she hurts, badly. So bad, she could die easily, wilting away like a flower.

“I’d be sad if you died, Touka-chan.”

He means it.

2.

Touka is not the first person he wants to protect, −there’s Hide, Yoshimura-san, Hinami-chan, Yomo-san, and later even Nishio-senpai and Kimi-san− but she’s the one he wants to keep from harm’s way more than anyone else.

There’s a fragility in her that makes his heart hurt. She could die so easily, and he would never know about it. The thought of her, lying dead in some alley, or having fallen prey to the CCG, makes him nauseous. Touka can’t die like that. He won’t allow it.

Yet she’s never so fragile, as Kaneki sees her then, fighting with her own brother. He’s hurt, worn, traumatized, and more fucked up than he’s ever been. But that doesn’t matter, as he sees Touka −brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− beaten up, and about to give up. He can’t handle it. She can’t die. Not like that.

“Don’t leave me alone.” She sobs.

“I won’t.” Kaneki says, as he carefully scoops her in his arms, protecting her.

Touka looks at him surprised, either by his sudden appearance, the change in his hair, or both. He feels naked, like she can see through all that he went through and all that he did before he reached her. Kaneki suddenly feels ashamed to be in her presence. He’s done awful things she probably shouldn’t know about. So he puts her down, in a place where she’ll be safe. Resolution invades his body, like a fire that can’t be put out.

This time, Kaneki will protect her.

And he does, breaking half of her brother’s bones as punishment for what he did to her.

After everything is settled, and they all have successfully escaped from Aogiri, Touka turns to him.

“Hey, you! When we get back, why don’t we change your hair color? If you work in the shop like that, you’ll stand out a lot.”

He can’t help but smile, because Touka actually wants him to go back with her, with them, even after he has changed so much, he’s no longer the same boy she met. But, he can’t. If he is to protect her and everyone else, he has to get away and become stronger. Kaneki can no longer afford to cower behind her, knowing how easily she can die.

As he announces his plans, and others start joining him, he can see it before Touka utters the words that she wants to join him too. But Kaneki can’t afford to let her come, lest something bad might happen to her.

“I’ll go by to drink coffee once in a while. I want to see Touka-chan’s latte art. Your rabbit pictures. I like them.” I like you. “See you, Touka-chan.”

She probably realizes he just made her a promise he can’t keep. She turns away and runs from him, from the situation. Kaneki can’t blame her.

He meant those words too.

3.

Touka is not the first person he wants to see after his long absence, but she’s the one he wants to see the most.

He didn’t lie back then. Kaneki is always with her. Because she’s always in his thoughts, deep down, even if he wants to bury those feelings. He buys her a rabbit keychain on her birthday, even if, in the end, he decides not to see her, and runs away from her, when she catches a glimpse of him.

Touka is well, continuing on with her normal life, and for that he’s happy, albeit a bit lonely. Kaneki wishes life wasn’t so complicated. He wishes that he could be with her again, even for a short time. Yoshimura-san tells him he can come back to Anteiku, to his previous life, to Touka-chan. He doesn’t know what to do, but he’s willing to mull over this.

Ironically, he runs into her on the bridge just when he’s thinking of seeing her again. She doesn’t say anything, though, she just stares at the floor, and puts her arms around herself, as if to protect herself from him.

“At Anteiku I talked with Yoshimura-san.”

He starts speaking, doesn’t know why, but he just keeps talking.

“He told me to come back to Anteiku.”

“And?” She asks expressionless, but Kaneki knows she cares about his answer.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if by joining him I can get what I want, or if I can’t.”

“So what exactly do you want?”

The question of the century.

“I want to protect everyone.” He says at last. “I want to protect Hinami, Banjou and his friends, Hide, and you Touka-chan. I don’t want to lose anyone important to me, that’s why I pulled out any interfering weeds.” And he cracks his finger−his most grotesque habit as of late.

But Touka isn’t taking any of his bullshit, and she calls him out on it.

“There is no reason we have to be protected by you. You pretend you care about other people, but in the end it’s all about you. You’re just being afraid of being alone, aren’t you? What you want is nothing more but self-satisfaction. It’s all so stupid.”

Her words hurt because they are all true. Because he can’t fool her any more than he can fool himself. And that bothers him, that pisses him off even. There are things Kaneki wishes to keep hidden, and Touka being able to read him so well, makes him feel exposed.

“You think you know me better than myself?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Touka doesn’t hesitate. She point blank tells him what she thinks. She’s straightforward, and, in any other case, that’d be an endearing trait, but not now.

“Because you’re mistaken.”

“Well, that’s okay. As long as you’re never left alone.”

And Kaneki knows he fucked up when she walks toward him with all the intention to hit him. He evades every hit and kick she sends his way, but he can’t stop the impact that her words deliver.

“You can’t even protect yourself, what makes you think you can protect others?!”

And then, she utters the phrase that destroys them both.

“Trash like you should stay out of Anteiku!”

She punches him, thinking she’s hurting him, but she had already done so with her previous statement. Kaneki understands she wants to hurt him, because in some sense he had already hurt her first.

And then Touka −brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− looks at him grief-stricken, as if she were about to cry.

“Why did you have to change?” She says, then stands up and leaves him there, lying on the bridge, all to himself.

He decides then to do better by her, and return. If she would have him, that is.

Alas, he never goes back to Anteiku.

4.

Inside Sasaki Haise, there are many people Kaneki wishes to see. People Kaneki wants to make sure are actually alive, and not dead. He wants to go home. It is Touka, out of everyone, who shows him his home still exists.

As Haise, he has a habit of trying different coffee shops, looking for the best coffee in Tokyo. He hasn’t had luck yet. He has been to many places, sure, but all the coffees he tastes lack something he can’t quite name. So, he keeps searching until one fateful day, along with Shirazu and Mutsuki, he finds a quaint little coffee shop named :re.

“This fragrance… This shop will surely have some good coffee.” He exclaims, unaware that he has smelled the same fragrance before.

On the counter, there’s a man that looks put off by their sudden appearance in the shop.

“Hey! How many times do I have to tell you to greet our customers?”

A voice says, and then Haise sees a beautiful woman, with short hair, and wearing a waitress uniform. Air leaves his lung. He’s mesmerized by her, but Haise has no idea why. The girl shows them to their table, and they order.

“What a super cute girl.” Shirazu comments.

Haise thinks that’s an understatement. The waitress isn’t just cute, she’s gorgeous. He’s so distracted by her, he doesn’t notice when the other man sits in front of him. Haise is startled, but the contact doesn’t last long. Then the waitress reprimands the man, who is apparently her brother. A few minutes later, she brings their coffees to the table, and when Haise takes a sip of that coffee, his world changes. It smells and tastes like a place he used to know. The coffee tastes like what home is supposed to be.

He can’t help it. He starts crying. Unknown feelings bubble inside him. He apologizes to his squad, and then the pretty waitress offers him a napkin.

“Ah, I’m sorry… It’s delicious… it really is.” Haise apologizes, because he doesn’t know what else to do. Nothing is making sense right now.

“Thank you very much.” She says simply, and gives him such a smile that leaves him breathless.

She looks a bit troubled, and a bit sad. But the thought that he once had such a beautiful person in his life crosses his mind.

It seems to be true.

5.

Touka isn’t the first girl Kaneki likes, but she’s the first girl Haise likes.

After that first visit to :re, Haise goes there again. He liked the coffee, so that’s reason enough to return, or so he tells himself. Last time he couldn’t check the books, but now he can look at them closely. The owners seem to have a great selection, and the titles of some books seem to ring a bell. Haise would like to read them some time.

“Please help yourself.” The pretty waitress tells him.

She startles him. “Ah… thanks.”

She looks as beautiful as the other day. Haise thinks that this will be all, but she continues talking to him.

“They called you teacher earlier… Are you a school teacher?” She asks, and Haise smiles.

“Ah, no. I am a ghoul investigator. I’m their mentor.”

She nods and smiles again. Haise smiles back.

And then he keeps coming back to the shop. Soon, he’s a regular there, and every time he walks through the door, the pretty waitress is already waiting for him, with a smile on her face.

“Welcome!”

She always makes sure to brew the coffee in the exact way he likes it, and likes to converse with him. Haise feels like he can be himself with her, forgetting for a bit his responsibilities as the leader of the Quinx Squad, and all the cases he’s trying to solve. In :re, he’s just Haise, another customer. He’s no longer someone’s sensei, or the bringer of justice of the city.

Haise can’t help but to observe her, using the books he brings or borrows from her, to cover the fact he’s openly gawking at her. Haise likes to see how he waitress prepares coffee, and how she attends every single customer. However, it seems to him that she’s a little more attentive towards him. But perhaps, that’s just wistful thinking.

Other times, Haise’s bolder, and he openly talks to her. He makes a pun or two, and manages to make her laugh. She has such a cute laugh. She even snorts a little, and tries to hide it by covering her mouth. Haise thinks it’s a shame that she would cover her beautiful lips.

At some point, he realizes he’s infatuated with the pretty waitress. He only knows he’s feeling like this, because he recognizes the feelings from the books he’s read. Haise has no experience with love. He briefly wonders if in his previous he ever fell in love with someone, and if that person was somewhere, waiting for him. Sometimes he thinks that that person might be the waitress, since she does seem familiar.

Haise’s most pressing issue, however, is whether or not she likes him back. He has noticed that she’s a little kinder to him than to other customers, but he might very well had imagined such attentions. Besides, there might be someone else in her life. Why wouldn’t the pretty waitress –the brave, smart, kind, beautiful waitress− have a boyfriend? He sighs dejectedly.

Still, that doesn’t stop him from wondering what she is doing during Christmas. If she’s spending the night on a date…

He hopes he has a chance.

6.

Touka isn’t the first person to see Kaneki after he gains his memories, but she’s the first one to shake his core.

When Kaneki recovers his memories, he decides to continue where he left off. He distances himself from others for this purpose. He stops going to :re. He’s colder to his former squad. He becomes sadistic again. Kaneki also stops sleeping altogether. What matters to him now is to, firstly, rescue Hinami from Cochlea, and then bring down Aogiri and their leader Eto, as he had attempted to do so many years ago.

Hinami slaps him upon being rescued, but Kaneki knows she will forgive him in time. Next, he finds Ayato, Yomo-san, and Touka. He somehow feels shaken when he finally sees her after many years as himself, and not as a CCG investigator by the name of Sasaki Haise. It is too much to bear, and much more when he’s fighting Arima of all people. So, he ignores her in favor of Ayato, whom he trusts loves his sister enough to take everyone to safety.

“Take care of them!” He shouts, and hopes they will leave. But, of course, she would stay.

“Kaneki!” Touka calls him, and he twitches, but doesn’t dare turn.

“Kaneki.” She repeats. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Her question surprises him, and all that Kaneki can think of is She knows! Because she must know what he plans to do. After all is over, he will die. That’s the only way to end things. There’s nothing in this world for him. The best thing he can do is die saving everyone else. Touka must understand it. But Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− doesn’t let him do it.

“That’s not fair…” He watches her go. “You’re a cruel one, Touka-chan.”

In the end, he doesn’t die. He can’t. Not when it is Arima who reminds him that, if he dies now, his friends won’t survive. Not when he sees Hide, his best friend, in his mind. Hide, who reminds him that he has to find a reason to live. The world is awfully lonely without him, and especially since Kaneki himself is responsible for his death. But, in the end, he has to live.

Then Arima himself, his father figure, dies instead. When he reveals secrets that will help him in the future. When it’s now up to Kaneki to fix this broken world.

He goes back. He dares to live, for just a bit longer, until he finds his true purpose.

He sees Touka in need of help, and saves her. If he could, he could have smiled. They do see each other later. And then, she brings everyone to her coffee shop, and his old family is reunited with his new allies.

Things change. He’s soon proclaimed the One-Eyed King, and Kaneki decides to embark on a quest to fix what’s wrong, to protect those he cares about.

Touka never leaves his side. He will have to get used to that.

7.

Kaneki feels awkward with his new position as One-Eyed King, and he wishes there was a way to make him feel back to normal. It is Touka the first one to give him that sense of normalcy.

Kaneki visits :re again and is amazed in a new way by how the coffee shop looks. It somehow makes him feel like he’s back at Anteiku, and any time now old Yoshimura-san will appear behind the counter and offer him coffee with his easy smile. It, however, has a charm of its own. It has many decorations, which catch his eye. It’s also filled with books too.

“Want some coffee?” In the end, it is Touka who offers him a beverage, acting as the new manager.

He accepts her offer, and watches attentively as she carefully prepares his drink.

“Ah… it tastes like the manager’s.” Kaneki compliments her, and feels satisfied when Touka smiles proudly. “This is a wonderful shop.” He continues making small conversation, mainly to have an excuse to talk to her.

“You���ve been here before, you know.” The girl points out, and Kaneki feels embarrassed.

“Oh right… haha.” He laughs awkwardly and scratches his cheek. Why is he beng so impossibly awkward?

“Hey.” Touka calls him, and he has to blink.

“Hm?”

“Why did you have that sesame pudding haircut all that time?” She asks rather bluntly, in typical Touka fashion.

“Well, actually, Dr. Shiba said something about how me suppressing my RC cell activity temporarily increased my melanin production or something.” Kaneki explains her, feeling stupid for some reason.

“Hmmm.” Touka just nods, and then gets distracted by the TV.

The news of the Cochlea Raid are all over the stations of Tokyo and possibly Japan. It’s weird to see his face on TV associated with another name, another life, which Kaneki had to leave behind.

“You’re basically a celebrity now.” Touka comments.

“Looks like I won’t be able to get a part-time job, huh?” He tries to joke.

The girl in front of him looks unimpressed. “Stuuuupid.” She drawls out, and suddenly he’s back at Anteiku, and Touka is calling him an idiot for spilling coffee all over the kitchen.

“Hey.” Her voice wakes him from his reverie. “What do you want me to call you? Is ‘Kaneki’ okay?”

“Yeah. Just ‘Kaneki.’” He smiles at her, to reassure the girl he’s still the same. “You can always call me Kaneki, Touka-chan.”

“I see…” She mutters, and then starts walking out of the counter, and right where he is. “Well, Kaneki…”

And then Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan− freaking decks him on the face, so hard he ends up on the floor.

“I feel much better now!” She laughs and goes her way.

Suddenly Kaneki is eighteen again, and Touka has just punched him because he did something stupid at work. And just like that, the spell is broken and part of the uneasiness is gone.

Soon he sees Yomo, Irimi, Koma and Nishio again, and it’s like being back at Anteiku. His family is reunited once again. Not everything is lost.

Kaneki would do anything to protect them. Specially Touka. Even if that means pushing her away.

8.

Kaneki has come to accept the fact that most things in this world are unpredictable, but no one is as unpredictable as Touka is.

After deciding the teams that were going to infiltrate the lab, Touka calls him. For a moment there, Kaneki thought she was going to complain, but her words surprise him.

“Can we talk after you get back?” She simply asks.

“Sure.” He answers quickly, deep down wondering if she was going to hit him again.

As it so happens, their talk gets delayed because of other pressing issues, like Akira’s recovery process and the CCG’s next move. Kaneki’s been too busy to remember about the talk. However, they eventually end up alone at the :re.

“What’d you do? Your hair…” Kaneki exclaims the moment he sees that Touka’s light hair went back to black.

“I dyed it.” She answers simply. “Does it look weird?” Touka then asks.

“Nope.” Kaneki shakes his head, blushing a bit. “It’s kinda nostalgic.” He remembers a younger Touka, and the way her hair looked back then. Her soft and dark strands covering one of her eyes.

“Organization info?” She quickly changes topics.

“Yeah. I’m looking into a big incident involving ghouls.” Kaneki exclaims, and Touka nods. “It’s pretty interesting. Apparently, in the past, the CCG was driven almost to extinction at the hands of a ‘one-eyed ghoul.´” As he explains, Touka moves closer to sit next to him.

“What’s interesting about that?” Touka asks and Kaneki feels embarrassed for getting too excited. She has a way to make him feel like that.

“By the way, Touka-chan, what was it that you wanted to talk about?” He asks to change subjects. He can’t afford to get embarrassed again in one conversation.

“Oh yeah.”

And then Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−asks him something that embarrasses him more than anything else he had been asked before.

“Are you a virgin?”

Screaming internally, Kaneki spills the coffee he was drinking on the floor.

Touka doesn’t seem to care, though. “Make sure to wipe the coffee off.” She tells him, and Kaneki pretends to drink the coffee which is not filling his cup anymore, while wondering what the hell’s going on.

“Right…”

Touka sighs. “So, is that what’s going on?” She asks.

“What’s up all of a sudden?” He asks back, feeling lost and awkward.

“I mean that’s what I thought was happening.”

Kaneki wants to bolt out of the room. His inner monologue keeps asking why their conversation took such a turn, as he keeps drinking from his non-existing coffee. Help me, Banjou-san.

He is about to understand how unpredictable Touka can really be.

9.

Touka is not the first person to worry about him, but she’s the first one to tell him.

“Kaneki, you look like a dead man.” She says, capturing his attention. “There’s only one of us who thinks it’d be better if you were gone… and that’s you.” She finishes, making something in Kaneki move.

Then she smiles faintly. “When the time comes, I’ll let you do it.”

Kaneki blushes. “Well…” He wonders what’s wrong with her, why is she saying such things to him, as he drinks from his empty cup once again. He stops his train of thought before it leads him somewhere indecent.

“I want to ask you one more thing.” Touka says again.

Kaneki fears the worst. “What is it?” But Touka’s next question surprises him.

“Why do you always bring Nishiki and Tsukiyama with you but leave me behind?”

In all honesty, he should’ve seen this coming, but with Touka’s bluntness and unpredictability it’s hard to think ahead. He sighs and wonders how he should explain himself. He decides that being honest with her is the best policy.

“Do you remember what happened with Ryouko-san? It was when you went by yourself to take revenge upon the investigators… Behind Anteiku, I found you injured. And the words I said to you then…”

“Something like I’d be sad if you died?”

“Yeah.”

Kaneki tells her the truth. How back then he wanted to get stronger to be able to protect everyone, but how time and time again it was Touka who was moving forward, leaving him behind. How she got injured trying to save him, and how he was so scared of losing her, of her dying and Kaneki having no idea about it. Honestly, he’s still scared, because he knows if he lets her, Touka will take things into action and could get hurt, or die. He can’t let that happen.

“This time,” Touka says, after his explanation, “that’s exactly how I feel.” This admission surprises him. “It seems more like you’ll disappear instead of me. I was always thinking of ways to make sure you don’t go anywhere.”

“What you said a bit earlier… you mean, you asked for that reason?” He asks, for some reason feeling used.

“’That reason’?” She chuckles. It’s clear she’s messing with him, but before Kaneki can complain about it, she starts speaking again. “When you were a dove, you would sometimes come to this café by yourself.” Touka reminisces. “Except, you’d always be looking towards me. I remembered seeing those eyes from somewhere. From when you were looking at Rize.”

Kaneki goes back in time, and remembers every instance in which, as Haise, he thought about Touka. About how he thought she was beautiful, and wanted to get to know her. How he couldn’t take his eyes off of her, and how he fell in love with her quickly. He sweats with uneasiness, wondering if Touka was mad at him.

“Was I wrong?” She asks softly.

“I’m such an idiot.” Kaneki whines, and covers his face with his hand.

“Does that mean I’m more of an idiot for being so happy about it?” She questions him again, and Kaneki can only gawk at her, because Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−, the girl he has admired for years, is in love with her. It seems impossible, but she just admitted it herself.

He would have said something, if Tsukiyama hadn’t interrupted them.

Oh well, he’ll continue with this conversation later. There’s no way Kaneki’s just gonna let her go without some sort of answer.

10.

Touka isn’t the first girl that Kaneki likes, or that he’s attracted to, but she’s the first and only girl he loves. There’s no point in denying his feelings anymore. He loves her. As simple as that. He just doesn’t know how to show it, for never in a million years he would have thought that she’d reciprocate his feelings for her. But he has to start somewhere. So that’s why it’s natural for him to ask her to come with him after they all realize they need to go their separate ways. Kaneki decides then he won’t push her away anymore. He will keep Touka by his side. And she apparently won’t stand to be away from him either, for she agrees to come with him.

Too bad Mutsuki, his sweet former squad member, appears. In the blink of an eye, Mutsuki is attacking him, and then Aura comes into the scene as well. Sooner than later, Touka enters the fray as well. Kaneki gets scared, because this is exactly what he didn’t want to happen. Touka could get hurt. He isn’t sure what Mutsuki’s capable of doing. But Touka shows him once more that she isn’t weak, and that she can keep her cool even when being taunted about her best friend. This gives him enough resolve to start fighting against Aura, eventually defeating him. Things get complicated, however, when the Oggai arrive. Kaneki runs frantically, until he meets Touka, alive and unhurt.

“Let’s go!”

They manage to escape, and find a hideout, safe enough to spend the night at least.

“I hope we can all manage to actually meet up.” Kaneki says with a sigh. He then turns to look at his companion, who is sitting on the floor, covering her head with her knees. Kaneki has another flashback (he seems to be having many lately), and he remembers seeing Touka exactly like this, long ago, after finding her behind Anteiku, hurt after her fight against Mado Kureo. He figures perhaps she got hurt after all. “Touka-chan? Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” She whispers.

She gulps, and starts speaking, not really looking at him. “You had a friend right? Hide or something? What did you do when you felt like seeing him?” She asks, and Kaneki knows what this is about, because he has felt the exact same turmoil as she is right now.

He sits down next to her. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes, because it was through him and his connections at the CCG that Yoriko might have gotten hurt. “I was never able to actually do something concrete.” He starts explaining, capturing Touka’s attention. He guesses the best thing he can do is try to comfort her. “Because whenever I felt that way, I’d just be consumed by the desire to see him again.” The grief of losing Hide comes back. Kaneki feels the tears about to spill, but he pushes them away. “I’m sorry. I’m not much help. I think we should rest. We’re pretty beaten up, and−“

He can’t finish his sentence, for Touka pushes him to the floor. He gasps and moves his arm, startled at her sudden action. She’s on top of him, and she pushes her hair away.

“Tou−“

And then Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−is kissing him. Kaneki wonders if he’s dreaming, praying this is all happening. He closes his eyes and kisses her back, rather clumsily probably. She stops her ministration, and separates their lips. They’re both huffing.

“Kane−“

She tries to say, but he interrupts her this time, by kissing her passionately, deepening the kiss, and lying her down on the floor. Kaneki honestly didn’t know he wanted her with such passion before this, but he’s not complaining. He loves her, god he really does, and he wants to show her the things that he can’t say.

They separate, both blushing and a bit unsure. Kaneki then looks down.

“Can I touch you?” He asks, and almost bites his lip. What the hell is he saying? She just nods. “Touka-chan… then…”

He gently strokes her breast, and Kaneki’s amazed by the feeling. He keeps groping her, while blushing all the while, until her voice stops him.

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Your face is grossing me out.” Touka exclaims, while blushing.

Great. He had messed up before starting. “Ah… Sorry…”

He thinks this is as far as they’re gonna get tonight, and he’s about to propose something else, when Touka’s voice surprises him.

“Aren’t you going to take it off?” She asks, pointing at his shirt. “Or is it too embarrassing to take it off?”

He almost sighs in relief. “N-no…” He stammers, and removes his shirt, showing her his upper body. Kaneki feels ashamed. He’s covered by scars, and his arms haven’t healed yet. “Sorry, these days they don’t heal that well…” He explains lamely, hoping she isn’t too repulsed by them. Touka, then, starts taking her own shirt off, and then it becomes stuck on her head.

“Do you need help?” Kaneki asks, feeling awkward.

She huffs. “No. Just wait a sec…”

And then the shirt is gone, and there’s just Touka sitting in front of him, looking seductive wearing only her bra, showing him a view of her breasts, and a cute mole on her right one. He’s mesmerized again. He wastes no time in grabbing her breasts again, feeling them now without clothing. Touka pulls away, and kisses his chest tenderly.

“Ah!” He gasps, clearly shocked.

“Are you ticklish?” Touka asks.

“No… I’m not sure…” And he covers his mouth, to stop moaning.

Kaneki collapses on the floor, with Touka on top, continuing kissing his chest tenderly. Not for the first time, he wonders if this is real or if he’s just dreaming. She stops and caresses his chest.

“You were so weak before.” She mutters.

Kaneki sits up, and starts immediately kissing her again, trying to memorize the feeling of her mouth, his tongue exploring every inch. He pushes them down, and they are lying side by side, making out. Touka tries to take off his pants with her foot, while he struggles to unclasp her bra, to no success. Apparently Touka gets fed up, for she separates from him and unclasps it herself. She looks like a goddess, sitting there in front of him, her breasts uncovered, and her legs barely covered by her stockings and underwear. She looks fragile and exposed, and so damn beautiful he just has to tell her.

“You’re really beautiful.” Kaneki whispers, and then he pins her down.

Kaneki hovers over her, kissing her, their legs tangled together. His left hand pins her own hand, and he entwines their fingers, while his right hand is busy caressing her cheek gently. She grabs his hand and strokes it.

“Hey.” He smiles.

And then, they’re back to kissing, Touka grabbing his neck to pull him closer.

“You don’t have to be so gentle with me.” She whispers.

Kaneki takes that as his cue to continue and not stop. He takes his own underwear off, and slides Touka’s panties from her ankles until their off too. He positions himself, while thinking This is it. His first time is going to happen, and all with Touka. He’s in heaven.

“All good?” He asks her, wondering if she wants to stop. Touka nods in response.

Kaneki thrusts into her perhaps a bit too forceful, for Touka whines under him and grunts in pain. He himself grunts, but in pleasure. It feels way too good to be inside her, to feel him filling her with every inch of him.

“Are you okay?” He pants out, but Touka just whines.

He lingers for a moment, giving her time to adjust to his length. They’re both sweating and huffing.

“Should I move?” He asks, using his last bit of self-control. Truth be told, he’s dying to pound into her, but doesn’t want to hurt her.

“I’m fine.” Touka wheezes out.

Kaneki starts moving in and out of her, making her moan out loud. It’s amazing, to feel so much pleasure, and to give so much pleasure at the same time. “Touka.” He moans her name out loud, to let her know it’s only in her he’s thinking about right in this moment. She grabs him by his back, and pulls him closer to her, the new angle making it easy for Kaneki to hit a particular spot inside of her, which has her moaning.

“Kaneki.” She rasps, and his name sounds positively sinful and angelic in her lips at the same time.

He doesn’t know what, but in a moment everything that’s happening and what this means comes crashing down in his mind. He’s here, alive, and making love to the only woman he’s ever loved, to Touka-chan, and she loves him back, and wants him as badly as he wants her. He’s taking her virginity, he’s inside her, and she’s making noises of appreciation and pleasure. Touka’s not repulsed by him or angry. She’s happy. Because he’s here. Because she loves him. Oh God! She loves him. It’s not a dream. It’s too much for him and he starts crying like the first time he tasted her coffee as Haise.

“Why are you crying?” She whispers, and gives him a warm smile, as if she knew the cause of his tears. Knowing her, she probably does.

“Huh? I wonder why…” He answers, and keeps on going.

When they’re both close, Kaneki sits up, and pulls Touka into his lap, kissing her and holding her fiercely. She puts her arms around his neck, and deepens the kiss. His mouth muffles Touka’s scream as she comes hard, and then he’s grunting, because he’s spilling himself inside of her.

Kaneki collapses, and brings Touka down with him. The tears won’t stop falling, but he doesn’t really care right now. She doesn’t seem to mind either. She grabs her discarded shirt, and puts it around her shoulders. Just now, Kaneki notices it is getting kind of chilly. Next, she puts his head on her lap, and starts tenderly stroking his hair.

“Touka−“

“Shh. It’s okay. Close your eyes. I’m here.”

So he closes his eyes, and for the first time in years, even before becoming a ghoul, Kaneki Ken feels at peace with the world around him.

11.

Kaneki wakes up to find Touka sleeping soundly next to him. He smiles and brings her closer to him, burying his head on her chest. It’s the first time he’s woken up feeling as if all’s right in the world. As he watches her sleep, he wonders about what will happen next. Nothing’s certain. The only things he knows for sure is that he will fight to live, and that Touka –brave, smart, kind, beautiful Touka-chan−is going to be by his side no matter what.