#acknowledging the dynamics of power and abuse that feed into every interaction

[pochapal]

in several ways i feel like this whole inheritance argument is very much a "training level" for a reader to become acquainted with the way that the mysteries will be approached and subsequently unfold in a lower-stakes environment.

[belonglab]

Gaslighting: A Tool of Oppression and Exclusion

by Alisha Patel, Communications & Research Fellow at GenLead|BelongLab

February 2, 2021

“I don’t see color.” This is one of the most common phrases people will use to defend themselves against accusations of racism. It isn’t the best, but at least it’s not explicitly racist, right? In a culture where calling out institutional and systemic racism feels like an ongoing battle that’s fought tiny steps at a time, that phrase feels like an adequate place to start. However, this phrase is actually a form of racial gaslighting, and its acceptance only perpetuates stereotypes and the racism we are trying to fight.

Gaslighting in general is a form of manipulation and psychological abuse where the perpetrator convinces the victim that they are imagining or overreacting to abuse. Over time, this can solidify the perpetrator’s position of power over the victim, turning it into an ongoing cycle of abuse. The effects of gaslighting are extensive-- the victim will start to second guess themselves and their judgments. While this form of manipulation is often talked about with regard to personal relationships, it can additionally be used to to cloak bigotry like racism.

Racial Gaslighting

Racial gaslighting often is used to excuse microaggressions in all forms. It can invalidate someone’s experience of perceived racism by subtly denying their feelings and emotions, excusing implicit comments meant to demean or discredit them, or even excusing explicit attacks on them. Its effects are grave; it subtly reinforces and sustains racial and social hierarchies that inevitably hurt minority groups. Not only does racial gaslighting allow stereotypes to continue, but it also degrades the victim’s sense of self and teaches them to invalidate their own instincts and judgments.

For example, imagine if someone had experienced racism in the workplace and attempted to tell a fellow coworker about the incident; instead of empathizing, the coworker reassured the victim “it couldn’t possibly be racism,” “it is all in your head,” or “you’re too sensitive.” Statements like this place the perpetrator in a position of power and control under the guise of morality, while undermining the victim’s experience as lesser-than. In turn, the victim can develop feelings of anxiety and depression as they start believing they cannot trust themselves and cannot express their emotions outwardly. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Roberta Babb, racial gaslighting also, “overtly and covertly erodes a person’s sense of self, self-worth, agency and confidence.” Thus, racial gaslighting feeds internalized oppression and Imposter Syndrome.

Racial gaslighting is so common that it is sometimes difficult to tell when it is happening, and it can even be unconscious or unintentional. Normalized phrases like “I don’t see color” seem to mean well at first glance, but in actuality serve to invalidate the struggles of a minority group while erasing the group’s lived history. It tells the listener, quite unequivocally, “I am not racist. What you are perceiving as racism on my part cannot possibly be racism.” Phrases like these are un-nuanced and oversimplified takes that may have been accepted in the past, but as we learn more about deep and entrenched racism, we see they are outdated, insensitive, and quite frankly, racist.

This type of manipulation often is used by mainstream media and people in power, ingraining its use in our culture and further highlighting the power dynamics underpinning racial gaslighting. Think of Donald Trump and his response to protest movements through the past year: On one hand, he refused to condemn Neo-Nazi protestors, saying there were “fine people on both sides.” But he mischaracterized Black Lives Matter protests calling for an end to police brutality as thugs and threatened them with the National Guard, warning “when the looting starts, the shooting starts.” He then mischaracterized the white supremacist, violent insurrection he incited on January 6th as a march, declaring his love for the insurrectionists. According to Trump, white supremacists are allowed the benefit of the doubt and could possibly be good people at heart. Yet, those in support of black lives are automatically dangerous and should be perceived as a threat. With these statements, Donald Trump at once validates the platform of white supremacists while invalidating black lives in the United States and negating the idea that racism is a problem; he normalizes the presence of white supremacy while revealing the inability of the country to acknowledge its inherent racism and bigotry. Anyone witnessing photos and images of how the BLM protesters were treated versus how the white supremacist insurrectionists were treated at our Capitol can see that racial gaslighting has deeply permeated our country systemically and is a problem that outlives the Trump presidency.

Gender Gaslighting

Also problematic is gender gaslighting, where a woman may not feel comfortable voicing concerns about sexism because her concerns are automatically dismissed. Consider a woman -- let’s call her Jana -- who has been working for a company for many years and is very qualified for a promotion. Yet every time Jana expects to be promoted, a man is given the promotion instead, even though he has had less time at the company and is not as qualified. Jana may attempt to discuss this with her boss, but he insists it has nothing to do with her gender; he tells her she is overanalyzing the situation and being over-sensitive. While it is possible that Jana’s boss could be telling the truth, it is more likely that her gender is in fact playing a role in not receiving a promotion, as this pattern has repeated multiple times. However, Jana has learned that she does not have a space to speak up about this sexism, will likely be negatively judged for speaking up and thus have an even harder time getting that promotion, and therefore most likely will not attempt to speak up again. This is the same situation that is seen with racial gaslighting-- the cycle will continue for Jana, and her emotions may inevitably turn inwards, convincing her that she is not qualified for any promotion and deserves to be limited to her current level.

COVID-19 Gaslighting

We even see gaslighting around COVID-19. As a college student at a very urban university, the pandemic has shaken up every single aspect of college life. Though my school has adjusted as best as possible (we are tested twice a week and receive our results within 24 hours; most classes are online and if they aren’t, there are usually less than five people in-person, all socially-distanced; so on and so forth), interacting with other students and people my age really reveals the mindset around the pandemic.

As the pandemic has raged on, it feels as though people have accepted its presence, or stopped caring altogether. It’s a stark difference from the first lockdown in March, where it felt (at least for the most part) that everyone was on the same page. But now, instead of staying inside and mitigating the impacts of the pandemic, it feels as though it’s now a matter of working around the pandemic to do things we used to do. Those who are still staying inside have become more of the minority than the majority, and are sometimes gaslighted to feel overly paranoid for continuing to take the pandemic seriously. This gaslighting is clearly very harmful to society as a whole, as it simultaneously perpetuates coronavirus while undermining common sense and the empathy to care about the collective nation.

COVID gaslighting can exist on a small interpersonal level. Consider a situation where two friends want to get together, but one is insisting on following social distancing regulations while the other is suggesting to abandon them altogether. The one wanting to abandon social distancing may claim that they have both been isolating themselves since the beginning of the pandemic, and it is unlikely that they could infect each other. They may go on to call their friend overly paranoid of the virus and accuse them of not wanting to get together. Though this is not actually the case, the friend who was attempting to follow COVID regulations is made to be the villain, which is a common gaslighting mechanism.

Even worse, COVID gaslighting has been perpetuated by some people in power, who can afford to preach a careless and selfish mentality around COVID-19 because, even when they contract the virus, they have the money, power, and resources to combat it. Meanwhile, they continue to manipulate the American public into believing that COVID is not something to be taken seriously.Their followers adopt the same invincible mindset, but it is clear that they -- and most other average Americans -- are not in the same situation and do not have the same money and resources to combat COVID if needed. The situation is even worse for identity groups that have been historically oppressed.

Many Black and brown communities are disproportionately affected by COVID-19: African-Americans deaths are two times higher than would be expected for their population, and it is the same for Hispanics and Latinos. On the other hand, white deaths from COVID are “lower than their share of the population in 37 states.” These disparities result from institutionalized and systemic racism (fed by racial gaslighting) that has been snowballing since our country’s inception.

Combatting Racism by Contending with Gaslighting

It is in no way, shape, or form the victim’s responsibility to attempt to change their gaslighter’s behavior. Instead, it is important for us to create safe spaces for these victims to be heard and validated. Thus, putting a stop to gaslighting begins by looking inwardly at our own behavior and preconceived biases; particularly, if you find yourself recognizing some of the behaviors symptomatic of gaslighting, it may be wise to engage in self-introspection and attempt to accept some responsibility. Though some gaslighting may be done unintentionally or what you believed to be well-meaning, it clearly is still harmful and must be mitigated. To confront the biases that may underlie your possible gaslighting of others, you can also take this online test that examines and assesses internal biases that you may not have even noticed (it takes about 10-15 minutes). Attempt to challenge these internal biases, and pay attention to how they affect your interactions with others.

Additionally, be prepared and open to truly listen to and learn from other people and their experiences, and focus on increasing your awareness of others’ circumstances. These steps can begin the process of acknowledging gaslighter responsibility. By first starting on a personal scale, we can expand this introspection to a larger scale and begin holding the racist systems in our country accountable.

If you find yourself a victim of gaslighting, it is important to safeguard your mental health. This can be done by taking a step back from the situation and removing yourself from the environment to consider the hurtful behavior and resulting emotions. You can write down your thoughts to affirm your judgement as valid and for reference if necessary. It also can be helpful to talk with other members of your identity group and share experiences like this. Affirmation from others with similar circumstances can validate your experience of harmful gaslighting and remind you that you are not alone. This can help you to trust yourself more as well as recognize the gaslighting as it is happening.

In the moment gaslighting is occurring, it is important to call out the behavior publicly (when possible and safe to do so), showing the perpetrator and others in proximity that the behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Further (again, to the extent safe and not harmful), you can talk one-on-one with the perpetrator to discuss the behavior, making sure to describe the behavior and why it is harmful. Setting boundaries (e.g., taking a step back, removing yourself from the situation, as described above) will help to loosen any grip the negative environment or perpetrator may have on you.

As an ally, it is important to help support victims of racial gaslighting by helping to call out the unacceptable behavior, as well as creating a safe space for victims to express themselves and be heard and respected. Make sure that what you are doing is not self-indulgent or performative, but rather is truly helpful to the victim and in their self interest.

Combatting racism in a present day context is not an easy task -- it is extremely complicated and has far-reaching and entrenched roots in the United States. That said, the task should begin with dismantling the practices that perpetuate racism on interpersonal and societal scales. By recognizing racial gaslighting, it is possible to disrupt stereotypes and racial hierarchies, while also offering the historically oppressed, excluded, and marginalized a safe space to speak and be heard, which uncloaks hard truths from underneath imposed false narratives. Those who insist they don’t see color are not seeing people of color and their lived experiences.

Without seeing the hard truths, we are unable to address them.

[skyguyed]

the normalization of abusive behavior in reylo

for those wondering why some people are calling reylo an abusive ship, below the divide are examples and explanations from The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi where Kylo Ren displays abusive behavior towards Rey.

This is important because abusive/toxic actions in fiction are often normalized to the point where viewers may not notice abusive behaviors as red flags, or may grow to see abusive behavior as normal, even romantic (or valid precursors to romance).

This post will also discuss the role of fictional portrayals in shaping reality, and why I believe supporting reylo means normalizing abuse.

Thank you in advance for your time and energy to read this. 

The purpose of this post 

This post (essay, really, it’s gotten pretty long) will examine every interaction between Rey and Kylo Ren, and will point out where and how abuse occurs in this relationship. I will also discuss why this matters.

This post is not meant to police anyone or insult, nor is it meant to incite disrespectful arguments. It is not a call for censorship. The purpose of this post is to help unaware reylo shippers understand where and why reylo is abusive, to help fans recognize abusive behavior, to assess the relationship between fiction and reality, and to discuss why I believe supporting reylo means normalizing abuse.

Trigger warnings for mentions, descriptions, and discussions of violence, domestic violence, abuse, and rape.

Legal definition of abuse:

According to the judicial branch of California,

The domestic violence laws say “abuse” is:

Physically hurting or trying to hurt someone intentionally or recklessly;

Sexual assault;

Making someone reasonably afraid that he or she or someone else is about to be seriously hurt (like threats or promises to harm someone); OR

Behavior like harassing, stalking, threatening, or hitting someone, disturbing someone’s peace, or destroying someone’s personal property).

Read more about Domestic Violence.

What abusive behavior does reylo display?

Kylo Ren exhibits these types of abusive behaviors towards Rey (timestamps indicated when appropriate):

Immobilizing her 

Using the Force in the forest on Takodana (TFA, 1:17:32)

With physical restraints in First Order custody (TFA, 1:25:40)

Threatening her with a weapon 

With light saber, while she’s immobilized by him (TFA, 1:18:00)

Stalking her

“You still want to kill me.” “That happens why you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask.” (TFA, 1:26:08)

Putting down her friends

“Where are the others?” “You mean the murderers, traitors, and thieves you call friends?” (TFA, 1:25:57)

Kylo Ren called Rey’s parents “filthy junk traders” (TLJ 1:48)

Hurting her friends: Finn, mortally (TFA, 1:54:42)

Not to mention killing his father Han in front of her, who had become someone she trusted.

Entering her (mind) without permission (confirmed by JJ Abrams as an intentional rape parallel in a Facebook post to Daniel Fleetwood, since deleted/made private - see summary here)

This happened twice- once on Takodana when he had her immobilized (TFA, 1:18:12), and then again in First Order custody: “You know I can take whatever I want.” (TFA, 1:27:00) despite her tears, fear, and obvious discomfort and protests

Threatening to expose her secrets (where is BB-8 and the map to Luke Skywalker)

Attacking her with a weapon

Also using the force to attack her (multiple times)

Rendering her unconscious (real world equivalent: drugging or physical violence)

First on Takodana with the Force, (TFA 1:13:32), then on Starkiller Base, by launching her into a tree (TFA 1:51:24)

Trying to manipulate her (into joining the Dark Side)

Snoke may have initiated their force bond, but as soon as Kylo realized what it was, he started using it to make Rey sympathize with him

Kylo Ren feeds Rey only part of his side of the story, painting himself as a victim (leaving out how he slaughtered/turned the other students, and what he did to concern Luke in the first place [re: the “darkness rising in him,” TLJ 1:00:33])

Gaslighting and verbal abuse: “You have no place in this story. You come from nothing. You’re nothing... but not to me.”

“Your parents threw you away like garbage. You can’t stop needing them.” (TLJ 1:12:02) He hangs this over her head, again at TLJ 1:31. And “the truth” at 1:48.

Kylo also literally abducts Rey after knocking her out, although that isn’t on the cited list. And he frames her for murdering Snoke after she wouldn’t join him, which puts a huge target on her back. And um, tries to actually kill her (“BLOW THE PIECE OF JUNK -- OUT OF THE SKY!”)

Kylo’s own manipulation, abuse, and gaslighting by Snoke do not excuse his treatment of Rey. (Finn was abused and brainwashed, too. And he chose to turn better.)

Here are resources for abuse victims. 

Why the interrogation scene has clear rape parallels

This is not meant to cheapen or lessen the trauma faced by physical rape/assault victims. I understand that this comparison is upsetting to some people because, since it is presented on-screen as a parallel, it could be argued as much less severe or even be seen as trivializing the plight of real-life victims. I’m not trying to speak for all abuse victims when I say this, but as a person who has experienced sexual violation, I can’t help but see a clear parallel here. 

The interaction is highly invasive. Rey is terrified and protests when she is able to. Kylo Ren tells her shit like not to be afraid, etc. (which sounds like stuff abusers say). She tells him to stop (1:27:39) “Get out of my head” and still he proceeds, ignoring verbal and physical protests. This is not a healthy dynamic, and shouldn’t be portrayed as romantic, or as a prucursor to romance. It’s clearly violating, and it’s triggering to a lot of fans.

When we do not acknowledge this scene as a nonconsensual psychological invasion of a person, I believe we are glossing over an extremely vital dynamic in this relationship. The fact that Kylo says to Rey, “I can take whatever I want,” shows an entitlement to her mind and body that he doesn’t deserve, an attitude shared by many abusers. It creates a power difference that forces Rey to fight back to regain control from him. I’ve seen people argue that he was “gentle” but gentle violation is still violation.

But they’re at war.

This really doesn’t excuse Kylo’s actions towards Rey, sorry. And even if they are at war, this kind of behavior he’s exibited towards her thus far does not make a good foundation for a healthy relationship. That trauma, those offenses will still be there.  

Also, if they’re at war, Rey has every reason to fight back, so saying that “Rey abused Kylo Ren back” when he’s the perpetrator is a flimsy argument. Her ability to “kick his ass” does not make her immune to abuse. It also shifts the blame for Kylo’s mistreatment from him, to her, which is vastly unfair, echoing the victim-blaming sentiment that’s pervasive in our own reality, that real victims face.

Why do we care if Reylo is abusive? It’s just fiction.

We should care that Reylo is abusive because fiction reflects and influences reality. This TED Talk discusses how fiction changes people by increasing empathy, and changes a person’s point of view. Fiction is powerful in shaping a person’s actions. Reading fiction helps readers navigate a real social world. Additionally, fiction can spark public dialogue and raise attention to real-world issues. Reading fiction has been associated with an increase in charitable giving and voting (x).

Here are some examples of fiction influencing reality:

Uncle Tom’s Cabin (1852) was the first major US novel with a Black main character, and it “ opened reader’s eyes to the realities of slavery and the humanity of enslaved people.” “Stowe’s candor on the controversial subject of slavery encouraged others to speak out, further eroding the already precarious relations between northern and southern states and advancing the nation’s march toward Civil War.” (x) Conversely, in modern times, it has helped popularize harmful antiquated stereotypes of Black people (x).

Joe Biden attributed historic changes in American views of homosexuality to Will and Grace (1998), which influenced American views on LGBT rights and helped open the door to more programs with LGBT leads. 

Fifty Shades of Grey (2011) popularized BDSM and caused a spike in reported sex-related injuries, and has been accused of perpetuating dangerous abuse standards. A 2014 study showed correlation between the novel’s readers and eating disorders, abusive relationships, and binge drinking. 

Star Trek has been vastly influential. Astronaut Mae Jemison (the first Black woman in space) was inspired by Lt. Uhura. The show featured American TV’s first interracial on-screen kiss. Steve Wozniak cited Star Trek as an influence for co-founding Apple (x). Star Trek has encouraged many people to pursue a career in science (x).

Jaws (1974) caused beach attendance to fall the following summer, sparked an increase in shark trophy hunting, and demonized sharks in the public eye. (However, shark research received more funding.)

Six in ten Americans get their HIV/AIDS information from the media (x). Musicals like Rent (1993) helped humanize people living with HIV/AIDS, as well as LGBT people. Rent has also been cited as helping encourage LGBT people to come out.

The Turner Diaries (1978) is a novel cited by white supremacists.

Lolita’s (1955) sexualization of a 12-year-old girl has impact on modern celebrities wardrobe choices and image.

Black Beauty (1877) caused the bearing rein to be banned in Victorian England and inspired animal welfare activists.

Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle (1906) portrayed harsh working conditions for immigrants in industrial areas, and raised awareness and produced public outcry which directly led to the passing of the Meat Inspection Act and the Pure Food and Drug Act, both in 1906.

After the release of 13 Reasons Why (2017), schools saw an increase in student self harm and suicides, and related internet searches. 

Psychologist Raymond Mar writes, “Researchers have repeatedly found that reader attitudes shift to become more congruent with the ideas expressed in a [fiction] narrative.” “For example,if we watch a TV program showing a sexual encounter gone wrong, our own sexual ethics will change... If, however, the show displays a positive sexual encounter, our own sexual attitudes will move towards the permissive end of the spectrum.”  (x pg 150)

In one study, 19% of respondents said that after finishing a work, a character’s voice stayed with them, influencing the tone of their thoughts (x).

More resources:

100 stories that changed the world

The power of fake gay (and black) friends: We form judgements about characters the same way we form judgements about people.

Readers may change their beliefs and thoughts to match a fictional character’s

The importance of framing in relationship portrayal, an essay by an abuse victim. This essay is very long but it is a must-read. It also touches on the fact that the power of fiction is more than just having fun and our experiences shape how we interpret media.

Abduction as Romance - a harmful trope where the abductor is framed as “a decent guy” at the end. (20-min video, well worth the watch.) Danger is portrayed as a sexy trait, while the disempowerment of women is fetishized. The video also comments on how often white guys get away with it, while men of color don’t. Also, see commentary at the end of the video about what real redemption means.

Yeah, but how does supporting reylo influence reality?

Supporting Reylo means that we’re giving credibility and validity to violence at the beginning of a romance. It’s like saying to a child who got pushed by another on the playground, “oh, they’re bullying you because they have a crush on you.” It’s promoting a fundamental entitlement and disrespect. 

Impressionable young people seeing this abuse treated as a desirable dynamic, as conditions that could lead to romance, are being primed to accept this or even emulate this in their own relationships. When we see this treated as acceptable in fiction, we are primed to see this as acceptable in reality.

Why not promote healthier dynamics? Why not rehearse the rejection of abusive behavior? 

 A look at canon

So, let’s not forget, that in canon, Rey and Kylo Ren are not in a relationship. So, some say, that means it’s impossible for this to be abuse. However, by suggesting that these characters should be in a relationship is harmful because it romanticizes rocky starts to relationships, and physically violent starts to relationships. 

More reasons why Kylo Ren is dangerous

While Kylo Ren has been shown in canon to be able to freeze or immobilize people, instead he mortally wounds Finn, who is clearly Rey’s friend and defender, in order to intimidate her and overpower her.

Not to mention that throughout the film, he displays characteristics of an abuser, such as violence towards others, (uh, murder), destruction of property, and other characteristics. It may be argued that these outbursts are symptoms of mental illness. It may also be argued that Kylo Ren is a victim of abuse himself, by Snoke. However, none of this excuses his shitty behavior. Being mentally ill or also an abuse victim does not grant one a free pass to act abusive towards others. 

Kylo Ren also tortures and invades and abuses Poe Dameron. Thank god I haven’t seen anyone shipping them. Kylo Ren is an abuser, y’all. 

Oh and one more thing? Kylo Ren never uses Rey’s name in the TFA; he doesn’t see her as a person, just an object to overpower, an obstacle to beat down. He doesn’t use her name until The Last Jedi, when he begins to try to manipulate her, rather than indimidate her with force alone. Then she becomes a tool to him. Clearly he still doesn’t value her as a whole person. Again, not romantic. Dangerous and toxic.

Why I’m still against Reylo even if Kylo is redeemed

It’s not a woman’s responsibility to “fix a damaged man.” (It’s not anyone’s responsibility to use romance to “fix” anyone, actually. Romance is not a cure for abuse.) The burden of redemption should be on the villain alone. Kylo had plenty of opportunities to accept help. Additionally, we shouldn’t support abusive behavior as a start or precursor to romance, because that’s a really harmful message to send. And, previous acts of violence are the biggest predictors of future violence, so I’m wary of them entering a relationship without significant amounts of therapy and reform on Kylo’s part.

What do we do from here?

Don’t support Reylo. That’s it. No conditionals. No “well if they change” no “well they’re fictional so they can be written differently” no AUs, no. Please don’t promote a relationship that is based in abuse. 

I’m not saying we need to sanitize our fiction of abuse or of abusive relationships. That’s not going to make them go away in real life. I’m not trying to censor or silence anything. I’m trying to make sure that abusive relationships are CLEARLY FRAMED as abusive, and not promoted, normalized, or glorified in any way. (See my previous post discussing this.)

Have fun, but understand that fiction is powerful and influential, and it’s our responsibility to engage with it in a way that supports healthy relationships.

[mcjart]

Saturday Night || Live & Well || Right & Wrong

Are we right in raising so many cases of sexual misconduct?  

Which ones are abusive and/or deranged?

Who is culpable?  Who should be punished?

One Saturday night, alive and well, long ago, I was having a great time with my girlfriends, dancing in a nightclub. We were twenty something and carefree — a tad too much so. I was naïve. Then, in came a very well-know NHL player. He was so long legged, as amplified by his tucked-in hockey shirt, that his rear end seemed to reach the height of the bar. This was all we could talk about, as he stood with his back facing us. We wondered, giggling, analyzing, how muscular, such a fit specimen could be. Again, we had had too much to drink, and right no longer were we. We decided that my quest would be to try answering the question. Nonchalantly, I proceeded to walk to the bar, lightly touching with the back of my hand, the famous athlete’s derrière.

In the light of day, I knew this was wrong. Cut to, in today’s new wave of taking responsibility for sexist behavior, I can now say #wetoo, been there done that. In this case: guilty of stupidity. That Saturday night, I thought (or not) that the ‘impressive nature’ of this public figure’s backside, gave me the right to invade his personal space. Should my whole career, identity, life path, etc., be judged and never to be the same again, because of my immature, disrespectful behavior?

I spent the first part of my life, trying to prove my self worth, despite the fact that I was a woman. I played down every aspect of my female nature, while attempting to present what I thought to be the ‘neutral’ part of my being, that is, my brain.

This in itself, though part of my path, was a mistake. I have since learned that all of my being is female, especially my spirit, which actually feeds my brain.  You see, I finally believe today that men are men and woman are women. And that this is a beautiful thing. I also believe that men can be cute or sometimes gauche when trying to attract a woman, though at other times, appear to be unconscious and therefore unattractive.

Worse and exceptionally, some men can be crass, gross, disgusting, abusive and therefore demonstrating the behavior of sexual harassment. This in no way is about attraction, but rather represents an attempt to gain power by taking it away from someone else. Then rare, dangerous and alarming is the other end of the spectrum of abuse and rape. I am not a psychologist, but in my opinion, this is not only about taking away power, but also about a deranged desire for violent domination.

Now that the subject of ‘male sexual misconduct’ — for a lack of a better group term — is finally being vocalized, again and again, what do we do about it, as a society of civilized human beings?  First and foremost, I believe that we certainly should not lump it all together, as one big behavioral problem of exploitative abuse. Would this not take away from the need to identify the significant danger, severity and gravity of rape, predatory behavior and true sexual harassment?

I, like evidently every woman, have lived many #metoo experiences, at different levels of attempt for intimidation. Some were simply distasteful, while others were indeed harassment, which I chose to ignore. None of the occurrences reached the level of rape. Perhaps I should have spoken up about the harassment — at least to support our societal growth. Yet, I do not feel that I lost my inner power by these incidences, as they were not important enough for me to let them ���penetrate’ my being. I walked away when I felt it was time, not  needing to stick around in a pond that compromised my self worth.

If all women have a #metoo story, does this mean that we should fire and/or convict, potentially every man in society? And what about many women? Clearly, #wetoo have demonstrated questionable behavior when acting ‘unconsciously’ or even over the line, attracted to someone who may not have reciprocal feelings. How was my own bad behavior different from a man’s, that one Saturday night. Live was I, with a little too much to drink in me, when unarguably I did something more than gauche. It was clearly stupid and insensitive to another human being’s dignity. Yet, I ask again, what should now be my consequential fate? And what would be my fate, if I were a man?

Earthly experiences can hurt our life path, if we let the pain touch us, rather than teach us, in a way that gives others the power to take away our own.

I believe everyone is born with power from within. I believe that the challenge of life, lies in our potential for growth, stemming from the learnings that we experience every day, interacting with other human beings. Retaining our power during this ongoing exchange of dynamic energy, ie: power, depends upon not wanting something so much, that we cannot walk away from it. In other words, our earthly goals should not deplete our inner light — or power. They should make it shine brighter. I believe that the moment that we want something to a level that requires our giving away any of our power, then someone else has power over us, thus amplifying the potential of becoming a dependent or even a victim.

Rape is rape.  It must be acknowledged and pointed out as a never explicable or excusable violent event.  The only way for its victim to regain some level of power, is to take the guilty party’s power away via legal punishment.  Clearly, in my heart and mind, ‘settling’ for less, such as with financial compensation, does exactly the opposite, offering the ‘sick’/guilty party, even more power.  It in no way offers the victim any ability to retain or regain any level of their own power, let alone self respect or love, especially if both parties remain in the same ‘pond’.  On the contrary, the victim becomes even more vulnerable and dependent, while the other gains a greater false right to repeat the behavior, ie: power over others.

I beg we all please, let us punish those that need to be punished, but let us not dilute the importance of this new wave of potential growth for our humanity. Today is a time of clarity for more empowerment for all. Alarmingly, our opportunity could be lost if we throw everyone into the same guilty salad bowl.

We need to create a formal scale of all the different levels of occurrences, from very bad judgment, to distasteful courtship, to workplace harassment, to sexual abuse — thus permitting us to clearly place each case into the right light.  As a result, all responsible or irresponsible individuals versus criminals could better be held accountable for the right wrong. This may be the only way that we will learn and grow, as a human race, and not completely hurt or tarnish the already challenging nature and beauty of complex human interaction, attraction, and potential for balanced love.

Though it represents a very broad generalization, I share with you a final perception.  I do not express judgement.  I would like to further feed the hows and whys of this crucial phase of our potential human growth.

One of the most surprising aspects that I have lived as a new American woman, coming from Canada, is how in the United States, a man’s role as ’the provider’, is much more strongly supported than it is in Canada.  Given this value system, I pose the following hypothesis.  American women feel more dependent and less self empowered of their own destiny?  Perhaps, the behavior of sexual abuse on the part of men, and by association, the multiple perceptions of sexual harassment on the part of women, would not be as widespread and possibly more pertinently pointed out, if financial responsibility was less associated to the man.  Ladies and gentlemen, let us gain our power from our Selves within, rather than from what we believe to be the powerful, or vehicle for power on the outside world.

As a woman who values her self respect and inner power, as we all do, I ask that we choose wisely — with wisdom of the heart — all the questionable sexual and/or harassment behavior incidences to be shared with the world. Let us be the power of our spirit and the dignity of our human soul, that is, let us act on this crucial openness to become our own change for the better, for all the right reasons. Moreover, empowered female spirit, let us dream of attending university, not to meet a man, but rather to feed and stimulate the power of each of our reasons-for-being on earth. Because, you know as I know, deep within, that we all have a responsibility towards our human destiny, that is, to cherish, feed, and grow it. Empowering our right light, without want to the extent of self compromise, is the only way that we can ‘brush off’ the next sexist comment that comes out of an unconscious mouth, tomorrow morning or the next day.

Let us perceive and experience our empowerment challenges with conscious compassionate wisdom. Some are but another example of gaucheness.  Others are exploitation that needs to be legally judged, tried and punished. But remember and have faith, none of these events need to or will automatically deplete our female inner power.  Indeed, they all offer simply and complexly, painfully and powerfully another learning on our path to light — for the growth of our one humanity.

[doopcafe]

Voyager: Parturition (2x07)

Summary: Neelix and Paris resolve Neelix’s jealousy by adopting a baby reptile on a poisonous planet. 

Comments: I love Star Trek. It’s really a great show, despite its flaws... flaws like Neelix. 

It’s disappointing how Voyager is clinging to the elements that don’t work into the second season. The Kazon as antagonists. Tom Paris as playboy. Neelix as... Neelix. I wouldn’t go so far as to equate Neelix to Jar Jar Binks, but does Neelix have any useful function aboard Voyager? No one likes his food. His professed knowledge of the quadrant is limited and has mostly been unhelpful. He annoys crew members and gets in their way. 

The problems are both in the execution of those elements as well as the elements themselves. The Kazon are not portrayed as antagonists to be taken seriously (they can barely feed themselves). Tom Paris is played by an actor that is more of a “likable goofball.” And Neelix... 

I’ve said it before: Neelix’s relationship to Kes is awful. He is possessive and jealous. She is a child. The show is fixated on this idea that Neelix and Kes are a beautiful romantic couple, but because this is untrue, the best the show could do is to stop telling stories about their toxic, horrible relationship. But here we are, doubling down on elements that are fundamentally flawed. 

Neelix emotionally manipulates Kes. He bullies her to get what he wants. He speaks down to her. He is jealous of her innocuous interactions with other people. He is uncomfortably possessive of her. He saved her from the Kazon, and I’m surprised he’s not holding that over her every episode. Even so, she’s in a position of being indebted to him. He guilt trips her when it suits him. In Twisted, he insinuates she’s been sleeping with half the male crew. 

What’s uncomfortable is that the show seems not to acknowledge this awful power dynamic. Kes is consistently portrayed as innocent and naive. What she should be doing is standing up to Neelix, telling him to go f--- himself, and breaking up with him. Parturition tries to play this off with a line about how Kes’ species “mates for life” or whatever, but that’s just an excuse to remain in an abusive relationship. 

The final conversation between Paris and Neelix is... grotesque. Let’s play a game. I’m going to modify the actual dialogue by replacing mentions of “Kes” with “trophy,” and you’re going to tell me if you can spot the difference.

Paris: I really like your trophy. Neelix: Oh? Paris: To be honest, if you hadn’t won it, I would have. [...] Neelix: I see. Well, in a way I can’t say I blame you. *smirks* It is a very nice trophy.  Paris: It looks very good on your shelf, you know... Neelix: Well I did win it; I’m sure it’s grateful being on my shelf. Paris: Oh, I’m sure it’s a lot more than “grateful.” That trophy loves you, Neelix. I wouldn’t look nearly as good on my shelf. Nor on anyone else’s shelf.  Neelix: *jealous* There are other people who want my trophy? Paris: If you ever doubt your abilities, just take a look at your trophy. See the way it glimmers in your hands. You’ll never doubt yourself again. And as far as I’m concerned, I’ll just come look at it sometimes. I mean, if you don’t mind.

I’m not sure, but I don’t think Star Trek has ever objectified a human being this much. Congratulations on your trophy, Neelix? 

Paris attempts to ego stroke Neelix during this awfulness by saying that Kes is devoted to him. Neelix says, “Well, I did save her life. I’m sure she’s grateful.” Which is just an abysmally awful line. It’s supposed to seem like a modest deflection, but instead it just highlights the massive power imbalance in their broken relationship. Neelix is all that Kes has ever known and she owes her life to him. 

Also, importantly, she’s two years old and he’s considerably older. Make sure you file "Neelix is a pedophile” alongside “Agnes is a murderer” in your mind.

There’s also a line where Paris asks Neelix’s permission to remain friends with Kes, which is also awful, but... whatever, hopefully I made my point.

Otherwise, Captain Janeway was bad ass in this episode, making decisions like a boss with her wind-swept hair billowing around. 

In conclusion, I hope we get a break from Neelix episodes for awhile... Or maybe for the rest of my life?