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reifromrfa · 4 years ago

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Fluffweek: Day 3 | Holiday

Sorry these came late ToT I lost my internet access 2 weeks ago and until now it’s still glitchy ;;;

For day 3, I wanted to do a different holiday from the usual ones (Christmas, Vday, etc) and this fic turned out differently than what I had planned, but I like how it unfolded (＾▽＾) I hope you guys like it too!

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Found | Saeyoung x MC

"One...two..."

You run through the park and scan the nearby trees and benches for a place to hide

"Three...four..."

You look behind you but keep running, the sing-song voice growing fainter by the minute

You spot an empty tent and slip inside, quickly spotting an large chest overflowing with costumes in the corner

Carefully, you slip behind it, bend down, pull your knees to your chest and clamp a hand over your nose and mouth to silence your breathing

"I'll be safe here!"

For a few minutes, there's only silence

The only sound you hear is your own heartbeat, pounding against your chest

Then, from outside comes a shrill shriek

Followed by another

The screams are coming closer and you're too nervous to even swallow

When the screams stop, you grow more nervous

......

"Is it over...?"

You're not sure what to do --should you go out? Should you stay?

As you're thinking that, you hear shuffling by the entrance to the tent

A shaft of light enters as the cloth is lifted, followed by the shadow of a man

You tense and try to make yourself smaller

"Don't come here...please don't come here."

You feel as though your nerves are going to overwhelm you, your senses heightened as you listen to his footsteps moving around the room

"Hello~ Anyone here? I wonder if there's a little bunny hiding in here..."

You shut your eyes as the footsteps come closer to where you're hiding...

...and then it passes by you

"Hmm...I could've sworn someone would use this place as a hiding place."

The footsteps retreat back to the entrance and you hear the cloth being lifted

You remain silent for a few more heartbeats, then lower your hands and let out the breath you were holding

"Oh my God...that was terrifying. I should stay here for a bit more, just to be--"

A shadow falls over you

With a gasp, you look up and see a wide grin

"Hello, little bunny."

You squeal and drop to the floor as he reaches for you, crawling out from the behind the chest and running around the tent, trying to get to the exit

He's too fast though --one minute, he's lying on his belly on top of the chest and the next, he's jumps up and makes a beeline for you

Wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you against him

"You can't run away from me~"

His lips press a kiss to your ear and you feel your face getting warm

"I told you I'd find you, didn't I? No matter where you are, 606."

You laugh and turn your head, meeting Saeyoung's puckered lips

You're both laughing through the kiss, lips moving against each other's, Saeyoung pulling you closer, pressing your body to his

But when you feel his tongue tracing your lower lip, you abruptly pull away, face burning

"Saeyoung! Not here!" you say in an exclaimed whisper, flustered

He continues laughing and turns you so you're facing him

"But MC, I missed you. I was going crazy looking for you!"

You shake your head, giggling

"Mr Seven-oh-Seven! As "it" for this round of hide and seek, your mission was to look for the children! Not me!"

"Ohoho~ But I already found all the children! It's the prized bunny I needed to find..."

He takes your chin in his hands and smirks

His voice drops to a low, seductive whisper

"...and now that I've found you, I'm ready for my prize."

He leans closer, eyes closing

But you put a finger to his forehead and push him back

"Nope! Sorry, Saeyoung, but no more kisses until after the party~"

He gasps and makes horrified noises

"Uuuueegghhh nooo!!! 606, don't torture me like this!"

You break away from his hold and beckon for him to follow

"Come, let's go back to the kids."

As you're walking out of the tent, you feel yourself being lifted off the ground and slung over his shoulder, being carried around as Saeyoung runs through the park

You can't help but let out a cry and grip the back of his shirt, taken completely by surprise

"Saeyoung!"

You don't know whether you should be laughing or scolding him

But when you hear his laughter, your heart melts

And you laugh along with him

Your fiance's impulsive nature will never cease to surprise you or make you smile

So even though you're hanging upside down on his back

A grown woman

The party coordinator of the RFA

You're grinning like a lovesick teenager and laughing to your heart's content

"MC, huff huff, did you gain some weight?"

"Hey!" You lightly tap the back of his thigh

"It's because you keep feeding me those Honey Buddha Chips..."

"Which you LOVE." Saeyoung snickers

"Yes, I do love them."

"But you love me the most, don't you, my space princess?"

You pretend to mull it over

Saeyoung stops jogging and cranes his neck

"MC? Why are you quiet!"

"Because I might love HBC more than you, Saeyoung..."

You're giggling at his shocked reactions

Until you feel his fingers on the back of your knees

Moving up your thigh

Your eyes widen and you suck in a breath

"Saeyoung! Of course I love you more than HBC!"

In your panic, you sort of...scream that statement

And Jumin, who happens to be passing by with V, arches an eyebrow

"I should hope so, MC. You're marrying him, after all." Jumin tells you

V, walking beside Jumin taking photos of the event, laughs lightly

"Saeyoung, please put MC down." V says

Your fiance kneels and helps you to stand and you're covering your red face

Saeyoung is laughing out loud but before he can stand...

"There he is! Get him!"

You take away your hands from your face just as a bunch of children run towards Saeyoung

Your eyes widen as they let out battle cries and, unable to stop their momentum, tumble into the redhead

They fall onto the grass, Saeyoung making sure none of the kids hit their heads on the ground

"Aaaack! Noooo, MC, save me!" Saeyoung is grinning he cradles one kid in his arms, letting another kid use his arm as a pillow, while another lies on top of him, fingers forming a gun

"Pew pew pew! Psssshhh I caught the wolf who's after noona!"

Saeyoung makes choked noises

"Ohhh the tragedy! My dastardly dastard plans to eat the cute bunny has been foiled by the heroes of Seoul! Noooooooooooooo!"

V is laughing as he takes shots of the scene, and you move to stand beside him, your cheeks hurting from smiling so much

But how can you not?

Looking at Saeyoung like this, happy and carefree

Hearing his laugh, a true and sincere laugh

Your heart feels full, brimming with warmth and happiness

You swallow your tears

His happiness is your happiness

And you couldn't ask for anything more than that toothy grin, that contagious chuckle

"I've always dreamed of this day."

You turn to V, who's stopped taking photos to look down at Saeyoung, now being tickled by the children

"The day when Saeyoung can finally laugh like this." V turns to you

"He's always been the one to cheer us up in the chatroom but...I knew of the burdens in his heart. Now though..."

V looks ahead of him and grins and you follow his gaze

Saeran walks towards you, munching on the cone of his ice cream

"...now the both of them are free. Now, they can be happy."

You lay a hand on V's arm

"And you too, V. It's because of you that they're together, that they're both free. Don't forget that."

A sheepish look appears on V's face but he nods and you both watch as a scowl appears on Saeran's face the closer he gets to the tangled mess of bodies on the grass

The scowl turns to horror when he notices his brother's mischievous smile

Saeran takes a step back

Until a little girl scrambles to her feet and stands in front of Saeran, arms outstretched to her sides

"Saeran-oppa...don't worry! I won't let the bad villain take you! I'll protect you!" the girl exclaims

"Oh?! What's this! My twin brother has a heroine protecting him! Guuuuuuh I'm so jealous!"

Saeran's expression softens and he reaches out a hand to stroke the girl's hair

"Thank you...but don't let that villain near you."

"AAAAAAACK! CRITICAL HIT! My heart can't stand this! Saeran used Brotherly Love and it's super effective!"

Saeran glares at him

"That wasn't brotherly love, that was-"

"YOU'RE RIGHT! IT'S EXTREME BROTHERLY LOVE! Everyone, I won't make it...looks like you defeated...me today! But I'll come back!! Tomorroooooow...." Saeyoung drags out his voice in a comedic fade and the kids all cheer and laugh around him

Saeran shakes his head but you see a smile forming on his lips

The music around the park fades and you hear people clapping by the stage

"V, it's time for your speech." Jumin says and the two excuse themselves

Jaehee arrives with volunteers and they usher the kids to a designated area

You stand with the twins under a tree, watching V take his place in the center

"Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you for coming to this year's Children's Day Fundraising Party. The RFA is proud to host this and we're grateful for everyone who came to celebrate with us this year.

Children are the greatest gifts to mankind. In every child is a beautiful flower that's waiting to bloom and bring beauty to the world. They bring a spark to this world that we should help nurture so that one day, they will shine and make the world a brighter place."

Saeyoung puts an arm around you and pulls you closer to him, slinging another arm around Saeran's shoulders

"...it must not be an easy job, being a parent. I, myself, am not a parent but..."

V looks to where the twins are standing

"I can imagine how scary it must be to be responsible for such small yet amazing individuals. You will stumble along the way, but I suppose that's part of being a parent. Still, taking care of your children and shaping them to become the best versions of themselves that they can be is already a great accomplishment. Children, please give your parents a big round of applause and don't forget to thank them and give them a hug."

You clap along with the rest of the crowd, proud to be part of this event, this organization

You see the twins' eyes scanning the parents in the crowd, some carrying their kids on their shoulders or holding them in a hug

You can't imagine what they must have gone through when they were younger...

...but now that you've found each other, the three of you will take care of your little family

Not just that, you also have the whole RFA as your family

And you're determined to build a better future with your loved ones and bring more smiles to their faces

"Kids, cherish your parents. With each passing day, each of you will grow taller and older but the same goes for your parents. So now, enjoy every moment with them and make sure to remind them how much you love them."

Somewhere in the crowd, Jumin gives his father (who came to support his son's event and because C&R is a big sponsor) a smile and a small nod

Yoosung turns red when his mother kisses him on the cheek, but he puts an arm around his mother and leans his head on her shoulder, putting a hand on his father's shoulder

The actor, though surrounded by fans, breaks away from the crowd to go to his parents

Even though their relationship is still a little rocky, both ends are trying to make amends and reach out to each other

Worriedly, you look for Jaehee but your lips curl up when you see she has an arm around a woman's waist, laying her head on the woman's shoulder

You glance at the twins, opening your mouth to say something when a shadow looms over the three of you

Suddenly, a hand lands on each of the twin's red mops, pushing their heads down

"Ya! I've been lookin' for you two everywhere."

You snicker as Vanderwood glares the back of their heads

"Guuuuuh...it's Madam Vanderwood! Saeran, quick, on 'cheese', we'll make a run for it!"

Saeran gives his brother a glare too

"Cheese?"

Saeyoung winks at you and holds your hand, grasping Saeran's hand too

Meanwhile, Vanderwood seethes behind you

"You three have been fucking slacking! Isn't this your damn organization? I needed help handing out those damn juice boxes to the kids. Do you know how wild they get when they see some cold juices after playing soccer?"

"Ya, Saeyoung, are you still listenin-"

"CHEESE!"

You're laughing as Saeyoung propels forward at full speed, pulling you and Saeran along with him

You can hear Vanderwood cussing and then chasing after you guys

As you draw nearer to Yoosung, you see him looking at you curiously before he springs into action and runs after you guys

Zen watches Saeyoung's shenanigans and shakes his head, approaching Jaehee

He bows and offers a hand to her

"May I escort you to the stage, Jaehee?"

Jumin excuses himself as well, walking to the stage casually

V's still in the middle of his speech when he spots his beloved members making their way to him

He can't help but laugh

"To the little ones, keep dreaming and continue painting our world with your beautiful hues. You can do anything you put your mind to but if you ever feel lost and in need of help, don't forget that your parents, your family are always there for you."

Jumin puts a hand on his best friend's shoulder and smiles

Followed by Zen and a blushing Jaehee

Then a breathless Yoosung

Vanderwood stands awkwardly with the rest of the RFA, but in his eyes is a peace and happiness you've only recently began to recognize

Saeyoung pulls you closer to him and you hear Saeran scoff

Your space captain's grin only grows wider

"I love you, MC," he whispers

You're still a little breathless but you giggle

"I love you too, Saeyoung."

He leans closer and says in a low voice into your ear:

"Let's make babies when we get home."

Your face is tomato red as Saeyoung chuckles and straightens, putting an arm around Saeran again and beaming at the crowd

V takes a step forward

"From the RFA, my beloved family, to your families..."

V bows deeply to the guests and the rest of you follow suit

"Thank you and Happy Children's Day."

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I hope you liked this ;w; I love the idea of the RFA being a happy family together ;w;

Check out the other prompts for fluffweek on @mmfluffweek!

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komahinasecretexchange · 4 years ago

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Title: Visions

Author: @nadisabug

For: @cellophanerose

Pairing: Hinata x Komaeda

Warnings: mild language, other than that none

Prompt: I used two of the three prompts: Hinata being ‘haunted’ by Komaeda, who is still in a coma post sdr2 (whether the hauntings are real or not is up to you) AND Komaeda tracing Hinata’s “Kamukura project” scars when Hinata is overwhelmed with self-identity issues

Author’s notes: I really enjoyed writing this, I hope you like it! I will also be posting this to my AO3 so look out for that link later!

“Hinata-kun.” Gorgeous green eyes smiled at Hajime, arms open wide in an invatation that made Hajime’s heart ache.

Hajime was tired. That had to be it. He had just been relieved from duty by Fuyuhiko from watching over the program because he “was no use to anyone sleep deprived.”

It was a twenty hour shift he had just taken, marked only by the fact that Fuyuhiko worked four hours each day at the same time like clockwork. Everyone gave into the structure Fuyuhiko demanded, knowing that it was more for his wellbeing than anything. Nevermind, Kazuichi, Owari, and Fuyuhiko each watched over the simulation for four hours in rotating shifts, the last eight hours of the day designated as Hajime’s watch. Hajime usually did not abide by the rules, staying past his shift, and only Fuyuhiko had enough strength and little sympathy to tear Hajime from the monitors.

They knew once their peers began to wake up from the simulation - if they would wake up, Kazuchi was always wont to mention - their shifts would become shorter and shorter. However, they all knew Hajime’s would get longer and longer until he woke up. Hajime was obsessed with waking them up, using all of his talents and skills to manipulate the system into releasing them. He worked with the AI he met inside the simulation, Alter Ego, unlocking firewalls that barricaded them from previously accessing certain areas. He knew that they were so close. So close to waking them up. To waking him up.

So Hajime wasn’t sure if it was because he hadn’t slept in the past twenty-eight hours, or if it was because he was actually going crazy, but Komaeda was standing in front of him.

Crazy as it may seem, this was not a rare occurrence by any means. He had been seeing Komaeda everywhere, his eyes chasing his silhouette in peripherals, a flash of cream coloured hair when he opened his eyes in the morning, honeyed greens smirking at him in reflections.

But this, this was the first time the apparition had spoken.

Maybe Fuyuhiko is right, I am overworking myself, Hajime thought to himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, shook his head quickly, then opened them back up, expecting his vision to be gone.

But it wasn’t.

Komaeda was still standing there.

Arms open.

Hajime couldn’t help but imagine himself running into them. He had much clarity since he woke up from the simulation. He had regained his memories, and with that, clarity on his feelings, on how he always felt, about Komaeda. The moments they shared in the simulation were some of his most treasured memories now, seeing as they did not interact much before the simulation. He knew that Nevermind still clung to her… what was it called, boat? No, a ship. Her “ship” of Hajime and Chiaki, but everyone else was aware of how Hajime felt. It was hard not to - Hajime was on his last thread of sanity, so keeping his mouth shut was hard. Not like he cared either. They could know or not for all he cared. He just knew that they knew and they knew that he knew they knew and no one really spoke about it. Well, except for Kazuichi’s occasional lighthearted jabs. They never quite landed right though.

But, despite the fact that everything was so peaceful and no one cared about anything here, Hajime felt himself growing angry. He had been working his ass off all day and all night to bring everyone back, to bring him back, and he had the gall to show his stupid sexy face all smiling and offering something that Hajime wanted so fucking bad but knew he could never have. It was just so…. so… infuriatingly Komaeda.

So he did what an overworked, stressed, tired, angry, and quite frankly horny person would do.

He briskly walked past Komaeda, flipping him off on his way.

After the initial acknowledgement, Komaeda became more talkative. He would chatter while Hajime worked, while he ate, while he pretended to sleep. Komaeda would just follow Hajime around, talking to him, and Hajime would ignore him. He figured out that only he could see him - not that it had been confirmed or denied at this point - and as a result wrote it off as a hallucination from being over worked. Playing into it would only make it worse, he reasoned.

“You should take a nap,” Komaeda murmured, reaching out to stroke Hajime’s hair. Hajime didn’t so much as flinch at the action. He knew Komaeda wouldn’t touch him. He hadn’t yet. And Hajime couldn’t let him know that he wanted it. Even if it was fake Komaeda. At least it would be good practice for when real Komaeda woke up, pretending not to crave his touch. If he woke up. “Or just rest even a little. Just because no one has woken up yet means you are a failure.”

Hajime continued to type on the keyboard.

“Such… such hope…” Ah, here he went again. “You could have left them. You could have left us all but you haven’t. There is nothing saying that we will wake up. Honestly, everything is pointing towards us not waking up. And yet still you persist, you push on, you have such hope that we will wake up. Quiet foolishly actually. Idiotic really. Sacrificing everything for just your bizarre hope that something-”

Hajime was glad Komaeda abruptly stopped talking. He wasn’t sure he would be able to keep up his regimen of ignoring him if he hadn’t stopped speaking. However, he was concerned about why Komaeda stopped talking. He looked over at Komaeda and saw his eyes fixated on a single monitor, his mouth slightly ajar. Hajime stared at Komaeda a second longer than necessary before turning to the monitor he was observing. The displays for the still eleven occupied pods held a steady green light-active. Well, all except for one. Pod four was blinking orange. Deactivating.

Hajime ran to the pod room as fast as he could, completely forgetting on his way to notify the others.

He ended up not having to tell the others, as they ended up walking into the cafeteria where he was catching up the Ultimate Imposter to their situation. They were not happy they were left out of the beginning of the celebration, but they seemed to understand because of Hajime’s mental state at the moment.

During the celebration, Komaeda made only a short appearance. He strolled up to Hajime while he was alone at one point, leaning up against a wall next to him. Hajime gave him a smug look, then turned to the Ultimate Imposter. I told you so. I fucking told you so.

Komaeda just laughed. “Your hope was always stronger than any reality.”

Hajime wasn’t sure what it meant, but it made him feel warm for some reason. It wasn’t a normal compliment, not by any means, but it was a compliment by Komaeda’s standards. And for some ungodly reason, that was enough for Hajime. The vague but positive comments on Hajime’s hope still made Hajime feel happy, just as if Komaeda were telling him his hair looked nice, or his face was attractive or something.

…Maybe it was Hajime’s inexperience in dating. That definitely had to play a part, but it still took a certain kind of person to actually listen to Komaeda’s comments and hear them for what they actually are.

You were always strong. Stronger than anyone and anything.

That’s what he really meant. And it made Hajime feel good, even if it was just Hajime’s delirious hallucination of Komaeda.

And with the awakening of the first classmate, everyone else’s hope began to burn brighter. While they had been skipping out early on shifts before the Ultimate Imposter woke up, now they stayed late and even doubled up. They did make comments every once in a while that because they were six now Hajime could take four hour shifts as well, but those comments flew in one ear and out the other. As more peers began to wake up, Hajime began to work more and rest less. The World Destroyer Program he created was working, it was waking up classmates, but it still wasn’t waking up him. It wasn’t working enough. With each passing day he worried that somehow Komaeda was different, that maybe he wouldn’t wake up like the rest. And with each passing day, his theory only seemed stronger. Koizumi woke up, and Hiyoko, and Nidai, Teruteru, Pekoyama- and the rest. Next thing Hajime knew everyone except Komaeda was awake.

It stayed that way for a few days, which was not too abnormal. After the Ultimate Imposter woke up, it took a week for Teruteru to wake up. Yet, every single day that Hajime was awake and Komaeda wasn’t was one too many for Hajime. It was pain. Not to mention that when he did sleep he had terrible nightmares of the simulation. Visions of Chiaki being crushed all over again. Scenarios of Junko surviving despite all that everyone had done to prevent it. Images of Komaeda dead, blood everywhere. In every one, Hajime was just helpless. Useless.

Though those were the best dreams compared to the other nightmares Hajime suffered from. The ones about… the project. The worst part about leaving the simulation was regaining his memories of what happened at Hope’s Peak. And what happened when Kamakura was in control.

It was during one of these dreams when Hajime woke up screaming. He shot up in his bed, clutching at the sheets that were soaked with his sweat.

“What’s wrong?” A worried Komaeda fluttered to Hajime’s side. But he did not soothe Hajime.

Anger boiled in Hajime’s veins. Anger at Hope’s Peak. Anger at the ones who created the simulation. Anger at the people who created the Kamakura project.

Anger at himself.

So much anger towards him and only him. None of this ever would have happened. The biggest, most awful, most tragic event in human history would have never happened. Nothing would have happened if Hajime just wasn’t so weak. So unhappy with his pathetic, talentless self. Kamakura wouldn’t have taken those lives. Junko would have never gotten the firepower Kamakura provided. The uprising would have never happened. Nothing would have happened.

It was all his fault.

He let out a strangled scream and stood up, kicking the sheets off of him, and stormed to his bedside table. Then, in one fell swoop, he threw the bedside lamp onto the floor. It shattered into a million satisfying pieces, the lightbulb letting out a little pop. He stared at the broken mess for a second. Then, suddenly and all together, all the rage that he had been seething drained from his body. He felt like an empty shell. A ghost.

He collapsed back onto the bed, elbows on his knees, back in a tired hunch. His scars hurt. He hurt.

He felt the bed shift next to him.

Hajime cleared his voice, hoarse from screaming, and spoke. “I hate how weak I was. How weak I am still-”

“Bullshit.”

Hajime looked to Komaeda. His eyes were hard and his face stern.

“I didn’t know you were that deluded to be honest. To think that Hajime Hinata is weak- hah! You are anything but weak. At the last trial, you were given two choices. What did you pick? Neither. You made your own choice. When you woke up from the simulation, Makoto told you to leave, Byakuya told you to leave, Kirigiri told you to leave. Did you leave? No. You stayed and created a program to wake us up. You are strong Hinata, you just don’t believe you are."

"But the mistakes I made-”

“Everyone makes mistakes! And I know everyone says that but its true. We are imperfect creatures. We speed, we cheat, we lie - everyone does wrong in their life. Just because you think your wrong that you did is the worst possible one out there doesn’t mean that you should hate yourself for it. Someone else has probably made the same mistake before. Its how life works. We make mistakes. We stumble. We fall. And when we do, we don’t hate ourselves for it, we push through and become better. Because we have hope for an even better future. We have hope for a future that is perfect because it is imperfect.”

“I don’t want to have hope for a better future, I want my life to be better. I want to not have made these mistakes. I want to not hate myself.”

“Well, no one can take back what has been done,” Komaeda reached out and stroked the scars on Hajime’s head. “We can only make the best of it.”

Hajime leaned into the touch, forgetting for a moment that this was a hallucination.

“How can I do that when I don’t even know who I am? I am not Hajime Hinata, and I am not Kamakura. I am some sort of freak in-between and I hate it.”

“Does it matter who you are?” Hajime didn’t know how to respond. But he did know what he wanted Komaeda to say. I still love you, either way, whoever you may be.

“And just for the record, I don’t hate you, whoever you may be.”

Hajime smiled. That was enough for him, for now.

“Thank you, Komaeda,” he murmured. And he meant it.

“Even the strongest have their moments,” Komaeda agreed. “And you are strong,” Komaeda asserted.

Hajime smiled and turned to face Komaeda. In the dim lights his eyes shone like beacons of hope, of acceptance, of… love. Before Hajime could even think he was leaning toward Komaeda his eyes closing his heart beating his mind swirling his-

“Hinata-kun!” Fuyuhiko burst into the room snapping Hajime out of his trance. He was still sitting on his bed, leaning towards an empty space.

“What?” Hajime responded to Fuyuhiko’s curious gaze. “I couldn’t sleep. Now what is it?”

Fuyuhiko seemed to shake his confusion off. “Get dressed. You’re gonna wanna see this for yourself.”

Hope burst in Hajime’s chest. He couldn’t wait to know. “Is he…?”

Fuyuhiko nodded.

Hajime never got dressed faster in his life.

When Hajime made it to the pod room, he was breathless. He ran up to Komaeda’s now-open pod and leaned towards it. Komaeda was still asleep, eyes firmly closed, which allowed Hajime a moment to catch his breath. About once he did, he saw Komaeda’s eyes begin to flutter.

“Hey! Can you hear me?” Hajime called out to his peer.

It took a moment, but then Komaeda responded. “Ahh… Izuru Kamakura?” Komaeda held out his hand towards Hajime. “No, you’re, uh, Hajime Hinata, right?”

Fueled by his earlier revelation, Hajime responded confidently. “They’re both me.”

“I suppose I should thank you for waking me up? I knew you’d make it to the lowest stratum- I believed in you." Komaeda lifted his head, seeming to remember something. "How are the others?”

Hajime just smiled as the door behind him opened, revealing the rest of their peers waiting outside the pod room. “You’re the last one out.”

Komaeda smiled. Then, he looked pointedly into Hajime’s eyes, a small smirk present on his face. “You’re hope was always stronger than any reality.”

#komahina secret exchange #komahina #fanfiction

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mnthpprt · 4 years ago

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Chapter 16: Secrets Of Sorrow

The walk to the market is peaceful, a welcome moment of calm after the ordeal in the coffee house. Arthur points out his favorite spots as we pass by them, and we talk about every topic under the late morning sun, the conversation peppered with his usual innuendos, at which I simply roll my eyes and laugh.

I already thought he was fun to be around, but I have now seen a whole new side to him under his nonchalant charm and flirty jokes. The way he rushed to help me has made me appreciate his company in a different way. Despite his predatory attitude, I know that he would never hurt me, that he cares. He showed me the goodness in his heart, and I trust him that much more for it.

We’re in the middle of passionately discussing one of Agatha Christie’s mysteries, which I just told him about, when we run into someone.

“Will,” Arthur greets him. They know each other.

“Lucky to encounter thee on this quaint day, Arthur.” The man speaks English, but he sounds so... old. Even for the 19th century. He turns to me, his mismatched eyes on mine as he reaches for my hand and bows down to kiss it. “Forgive me, my lady, but thou art so lovely I cannot help but admire thy beauty. William Shakespeare, at thy service.”

Well, that explains the antiquated way in which he talks. He stands straight again, and his long hair falls over one of his eyes. I forcibly shove my confusion to the back of my mind and decide to just go with it as I introduce myself, my hand still extended into his.

“Anaïs Bertran. Are you a friend of le Comte?” He nods, understanding the implication of my words. So he’s a vampire too. “How odd, I’ve never seen you at the mansion. Anyway, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise.” There is something off putting about the way he smiles at me, almost as if he is plotting something. Regardless, I am intrigued by the glimmer in his golden eye. He finally releases his delicate hold of my hand and pushes his long hair behind his ear, revealing his other eye. The sunlight makes the red in it seem even brighter, the odd shade of pooled blood visible where his iris should be. I wonder how it got that way.

It is then that I notice how quiet Arthur has been and glance at him. The smile on his lips is tense, forced for the sake of politeness.

“We should go,” I say. “Sebastian must be waiting for me at the market. I don’t know how I’ll get back if I miss the coach.”

Arthur nods before putting his arm around my waist.

“Good day, William.” He seems eager to usher me away, but the other writer stops us before we leave.

“Wait,” he calls out. “A friend of mine will hold a ball this week. It would be my pleasure to invite thee, lady Anaïs. Thou mayst bring whomever thou wishest as thy companion.”

“Thank you, William, I’ll be there.” Unnerving as he is, the prospect of experiencing a party in this time period sounds appealing enough for me to accept. “You know where to send the invitation.”

As soon as I nod goodbye, Arthur begins walking away, discreetly pushing me along with him. Once we’re out of earshot, I turn to him.

“So, what did he do that was bad enough to get kicked out of the mansion and warrant this cold attitude from you? Come on, spill the tea.”

“You’re quite perceptive, dove,” he chuckles. “As you have already deduced, he was turned by le Comte, but by the time I arrived he was no longer a resident. I heard he left of his own accord. As to why, I cannot say.”

“So you just dislike him because he’s creepy?” I tease him, although I would be a hypocrite to deny Shakespeare gives me a weird vibe, too.

“No, dear. I dislike him because I do not trust him.” I raise an eyebrow at his answer, and he goes on. “Dazai and I meet with him sometimes to discuss our work, as fellow authors, but there are certain... creative differences that I cannot overlook.” Before I can ask him to elaborate, he changes the topic. “I am afraid I will be unable to attend the ball with you, darling. I am approaching a deadline with a publisher and I have work to do. You should ask the other residents, though. I’m willing to bet at least one would be thrilled to accompany you.”

I narrow my eyes at him, but ultimately buy his excuse. He must be using a pseudonym or something. I decide against pressing the matter any further. Instead, we go back to where we left off our previous conversation.

“What’s the name of that book again?” he asks. “You’re doing an awful job of explaining the plot, dear.”

“Murder on the Orient Express. Don’t blame me,” I laugh, “ I just don’t want to spoil the mystery, and it’s hard to remember exactly how all the clues were presented. Piecing them together is most of the fun. Such a shame that you can’t read it, it won’t be published until 1930... something. 34, maybe? Whatever, ” I turn to him with a smile, “just know that you are the one responsible for making this genre so popular. I’ve lost count of all the adaptations of Sherlock Holmes there are in my time.”

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because he frowns and looks away from me. I remember reading somewhere that Arthur disliked Sherlock Holmes, but I never really knew why.

“Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive topic.” I gently squeeze his arm, prompting him to face me again. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He quietly shakes his head. For a moment, I am taken aback by all the pain harbored in his blue eyes. It is fleeting, and disappears so quickly it makes me question what I just saw, replaced by his usual smirk.

“We’re here, darling. Welcome to the market.”

I quickly spot Sebastian in the crowd. He is carrying a canvas bag, like mine, but the flaccid and empty appearance of it leads me to believe he must have done multiple trips to and from the carriage.

“Thank you, Arthur.” I stand on my toes to wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug. “For everything. I better go before I lose sight of Sebastian again.”

“See you at the mansion, dove” he winks, before promptly turning around to walk away. I take it as my cue to penetrate the mass of people, and slowly but surely, I eventually squeeze through to make my way to the butler.

“Hey,” I poke the back of his shoulder to get his attention, and he smiles when he turns away from the fruit stall. “It was a bit of an adventure, but I finally got the coffee. Also, I’m never doing that again, ever.”

“You’ll have to tell me all about it on the way home,” he laughs. “I’m almost done here, Anaïs. You can go wait in the coach, it’s parked on the other side.”

Thankful for the option to finally put down the heavy sack of coffee creating indents on my shoulder, I nod and disappear into the crowd after calling a lazy “see ya” over my shoulder. The market stalls are nothing special, all of them displaying all sorts of foods and handcrafted items. The people browsing them, though, I find incredibly fascinating. Ladies in full skirts and big hats ponder which kind of artisanal soap to buy, while gentlemen clad in suits hassle with the vendors. Like in my time, people are just people, but observing their fashion and etiquette is nothing short of interesting.

I roam through, slowly making my way across the market, when something catches my eye. Near the exit, a stall selling herbal remedies and various plants has a bouquet of tall yellow flowers on display. They are a kind I had not seen in the gardens of the mansion, but my eyes widen when I recognize them.

The Saint John’s Wort is a sudden reminder of a very important thing I left behind when I was transported back in time. With everything going on, I have completely forgotten to take my antidepressants. Not that I could have, had I remembered, for I do not have access to that kind of medication here. Those small yellow flowers are the closest alternative.

I approach the stall and inspect the flowers, confirming that they are, indeed, Saint John’s Wort. Making a strong enough concentrate out of them will take me weeks, so I better get to work before the withdrawal symptoms start.

“I’ll take all of these, please,” I tell the vendor, a short man with a bushy moustache and a rounded belly. “Do you also sell tincture?”

He puts up his index finger, indicating me to wait, and digs around some boxes below the counter. When he emerges again, he puts a small vial by the bouquet.

“There you go, mademoiselle. It will be seven francs.”

“Merci,” I thank him as I hand him the required amount of coins. With the large bouquet in my arms and the vial safely inside my bag, I make my way outside, where the same carriage that brought us here awaits me and Sebastian.

When he finally joins me, I shuffle over to the side, trying to make space for him between all the crates of produce that cover the seats.

“Nice flowers,” he simply says. “Though if you wanted an arrangement we could have made a better one from the garden.”

“They’re not for decoration,” I explain. In part because I need it, and in part to illustrate my point, I fish out the vial of tincture from my bag and pour a drop into my mouth, which makes my face contort from the bitter taste. “They’re medicine.”

“Oh.” Sebastian’s brows join in concern. “Do you mind me asking what for?”

“It’s nothing serious, don��t worry. I’m not ill or anything,” I hurriedly reassure him. I have no qualms about telling him the truth, but I don’t know how he will react. Even in our time, prejudice surrounding this topic is still a problem. I notice he is still observing me, patiently waiting for an answer, and I turn my gaze to the window. “It’s, uh...” I stammer quietly, “for my brain. Can’t exactly get meds around here...”

“I am so sorry, I didn’t know,” his tone suddenly softens. I am relieved by the lack of judgement, but the pity... The pity is almost worse. “If there is anything I can do for you -”

“Sebastian, it’s fine,” I interrupt him. “I’m fine. I just... I get a little sad and a little anxious sometimes, that’s it.” That is a massive understatement, but I really don’t want to delve into it right now. “You don’t have to treat me any differently. Please. That would make me feel worse.”

He takes a deep breath and stares at me for a few seconds, as if pondering whether I’m telling the truth or not. After what feels like an eternity, he finally smiles.

“Okay, Anaïs. I will keep being strict, I promise.” He chuckles, breaking the awkward silence, and I smile too. “Alright, now tell me what happened with the coffee! I want to know!”

#ikemen vampire #ikevam #ikevamp #ikemen #ikemen fanfiction #ikemen vampire arthur #ikevamp arthur #ikemen vampire shakespeare #ikevamp shakespeare #ikemen vampire sebastian #ikevamp sebastian

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voxlette11 · 4 years ago

Text

Eric and Leo, Part 1

Two high-powered businessmen learn what it means to play with experimental drugs.

A/N: This is a re-post of something I originally authored in 2013/14 on Mpreg Central under the username BellLee (BellLee11) - I can’t remember because I lost my login info and access to the forums once permission regulations changed!

Content: unknowing mpreg, “getting” mpreg ;), weight gain, stuffing, accelerated pregnancy

It had been simple enough. One wave of his hand over Leo's morning tea in the break room was all it took, and the plan had been set into motion. He had watched as the other man unwittingly downed the microwave-warmed, lemon-flavored liquid, arousing himself in his anticipation. He had waited the suggested five weeks. All the signs had been there. He watched Leo, not noticeably closely but closer than usual, and noted the lack of energy - though the other man was very good at hiding it. Now Leo was back to normal, and Eric knew now was the right time.

Eric leaned back in his chair, listening to the leather groan and the wood creak with a sense of deep satisfaction. He got satisfaction from a lot of things, most of them having to do with his accomplishments. Being the product of a family rooted firmly in New York’s history and comprised completely of old money, he prided himself on his self-made beginnings. He’d climbed the ladder of success on his own. He’d gotten everything he’d ever wanted once he turned eighteen, and he’d gotten it for himself. No handouts as far as his adulthood was concerned. Money, job security, authority, respect, a nice apartment, and a boyfriend.

There was, however, one thing he was missing. One thing he’d previously thought impossible, but which over the last several months he had taken great strides to ensure its reality.

Now he'd just have to get it started physically and he'd be set.

Eric mulled over the options in his quiet way, rocking the chair gently. He steepled his fingers and leaned forward, elbows resting on his expansive oaken desk. So many options...a selfish man would have manipulated or forced his will into being. Eric was anything but selfish...well, not entirely.

He wanted it to be enjoyable, for both of them. He really did care about Leo. The matter at hand just required a little...finesse.

Then, it came to him. Eric smiled, laying his palms flat on the smooth surface of his desk. He knew exactly how he was going to do this.

...

The night was dusky, brightened by the numerous shops, street lamps, and the passing taxi cabs. The lights on Fifth Avenue always seemed to burn a little brighter. They weren’t on Fifth, though. They were currently winding their way through the dimly lit, labyrinthine passageways that lead from their favorite bar to Eric’s apartment, which, coincidentally, was on Fifth Avenue.

Eric stumbled along, gently buzzed from his night out, supporting a much more inebriated Leo by the arm. The man was heavier than his five-foot stature let on, but Eric being of a strong and able-bodied proclivity himself easily helped Leo over the curbs and cracked pavement.

It had been just the two of them, out drinking in the pub that all the cubicle warmers from the typing pool liked to frequent. Both Leo and Eric were very well known there, bearing the respective titles Head Branch Manager and Vice-CEO. They were very well known, yes, and as a result they were left alone. Not many people knew how to handle Leo when he got drunk. Except, of course, for Eric.

Eric knew Leo would accept his invitation. The two of them had shared drinks and nights with one another numerous times before. It was not a new thing for them, to drink and sleep together. They used to do it quite a bit, never really talking about it but never really ignoring it either. There was an undeniable chemistry between the two of them, one they frequently took advantage of but never actively pursued. Any pleasure they had to glean from one another was typically circumstantial.

They had talked it over, years ago. Talked of a life together. It never happened, despite the ever-present potential. It had a lot to do with the fact that they were “fighting a corporate war” and their board members liked to put it, and even more to do with the distance between their socioeconomic status, their upbringing, their general differences in lifestyle and outlook.

This of course, did not stop Eric from internally referring to the other man as his boyfriend.

It just wasn't professional. But it felt so fucking good...

This time, though, Eric wasn't making any excuses for himself, or for Leo. Neither of them saw other people. They both wanted this, he knew it.

"Eric...you fucking shit head...," Leo slurred. "Are you going to fuck me senseless tonight, or am I going to have to do it myself..."

There it was. That was what he needed.

"Are you sure you want to?" He asked, pliantly. He wasn't going to do this without a yes.

"...did you eat lead chips today, yes...I want your...fucking monster cock...in my god damn ass..."

Leo made a grab for Eric's collar, digging his fingers into the expensive, tailored fabric and pulling himself up to press his lips against Eric's. Eric couldn't take it anymore.

He kissed Leo back, their tongues gliding over one another messily but in a very comfortable, familiar way. He wrapped his arms under Leo's ass - despite the small man's indignant noise of protest - and carried him into the darkness of a nearby alleyway. Eric could tell the two of them weren't going to make it to his apartment like they typically did. No prying eyes. There was a gay bar not a block away – two men sharing an abrupt fuck in an alleyway wouldn’t garner more attention than was necessary.

He pressed Leo against the brick wall, pinning his wrists and still working against him. Leo moaned, a deep, throaty sounding noise that Eric loved to hear. Leo's small hand worked its way up and around from the inside of Eric’s thigh and palmed the front of his crotch. Eric closed his eyes, swallowing a gasp as his arousal began to make itself known.

"Leo," he said as he momentarily broke away.

"Mm...?" The other man’s usually sharp, dark eyes were more heavily-lidded than usual and drowsy-looking with pleasure.

"Turn around."

…

Leo obliged through his haze; at that moment there was nothing he wanted more than to feel Eric inside of him. He turned, bracing himself against the wall, feeling the rough brick under his soft, almost child-sized palms. He felt Eric gently nudge his legs apart with one large foot, encouraging the smaller man to make himself more vulnerable.

Leo groaned as Eric's hands smoothed up and down his straining thighs. One of Eric's hands was almost big enough to encompass half his upper leg. He could feel his tendons twitching, his groin beginning to exhibit that telltale ache. There was the sound of numerous belts being unbuckled, and it wasn't long before his pants and underwear were tugged off impatiently, exposing his ass to the brisk autumn night.

Eric spread Leo's cheeks with one hand, the other steadying him by firmly rooting itself on his left hip. Leo was quivering with anticipation.

"Be good for me, Leo."

Then there was a familiar sensation around his hole; Eric teased his tongue in, out, and around the small twitching ring of muscle. He gave a few long strokes, the wet mass of his tongue plunging deeper and deeper with each go around. Leo could hardly stand it, and they weren't even to the good part yet. He almost came right then and there when Eric stuck in the first finger.

It had been a while, and it burned.

“Eric…it…it hurts…,” he whimpered.

He felt the other man’s finger, huge, almost like a cock in its own right, gently work him open.

“Please…it feels good, but…aahHH!”

"Easy," the blond murmured, "Easy..."

Leo's legs were shaking so hard he thought he'd fall over. Pre-cum was oozing out the tip of his painfully erect cock, smearing all over his shirt, which he was still wearing. It felt so good, and he was so drunk, he was only a little pissed about the inevitable dry cleaning he would have to pay for.

Slowly, after a few tense minutes of working with saliva and pre-cum, the burning sensation faded into a much more enjoyable sensual throbbing. Leo couldn't hold back his moans, each growing louder than the last as his pleasure mounted. He was incredibly tight right then, perhaps even more so than when they first started sleeping together, and they both knew it.

Eric added another finger.

"FUCK...fuck, Eric, I'm ready..."

Leo couldn't see it, but he knew the other man was frowning.

"Are you sure?"

"Any fucking more and I'll blow it...like a shitty teenager..."

"It's going to hurt, Leo."

"It never...," he grasped for the words to say. "It never didn't hurt....just...just put it in you fuckin-"

Before he could finish, Eric's massive cock was breaching his entrance. Leo gasped, surprised at the feeling, and that he could forget so quickly the tremendous aching stretch of the anus that accompanied it. He squirmed, impaled on what he dubbed, “the monster cock”, wanting to get away from the pain, but wanting to wait for the pleasure too.

"Shhh..." Eric whispered in his ear. "Relax, relax..."

His hand was still rooted on Leo's hip, and now his thumb was tracing a soothing circular motion on his skin.

"It'll feel better in a moment."

Leo felt Eric push into him further, grunting as his insides stretched and strained and struggled to accommodate him. Leo was a tiny man; he wasn't meant to be able to hold someone of Eric's size inside his ass, but yet, here they were.

"Don't fight it," Eric soothed. "You’re pushing against me."

"...not...nrgh...trying to-AH!"

Eric was now full hilt inside of him, all of his thickly veined nine inches. Leo felt incredibly full, almost too full. He could still feel his insides tensing and straining involuntarily, still trying to expel the foreign mass that was Eric’s cock. If he looked down, he could actually see a slight bulge in his abdomen where Eric's cock had made its home.

"Are you ready for me to move?" Eric asked, still tracing circles on his side with his thumb.

".....mhm."

The thumb tracing stopped and turned into gripping. Slowly, Eric drew back. Leo grimaced. Then, Eric was pushing forward again, and he felt like he was being split in half, ruined, violated. He couldn't hold back his grunts and groans of pain. Eric was being as gentle as possible, but these things were hard to avoid when the bottom was half the physical size of the top.

Once again, the pain slowly faded away in a repeat event of the evening’s earlier fingers, replaced by something that curled up Leo's spine in the most pleasurable way. It inflated his cock and made it hard to think, much less breathe.

"There!" He managed to gasp.

"Here?" Eric shifted so as to suit Leo's needs. He gave a few long, slow thrusts.

"Fuck!" Leo was practically seeing red, it felt so good. "Harder...faster..."

No sooner had he said the words than Eric let loose with explosive force, and Leo collided with the brick wall, his small yet muscular arms no longer strong enough to support the speed and power Eric was exerting. Eric was going faster than he ever had, and Leo was almost delirious with pleasure.

"Unh...unh..." he couldn't even speak if he tried. He looked down again. His abdomen was practically undulating with the rate at which his insides were being filled and emptied by Eric's cock.

He felt his arousal start to come to a peak.

"I....I'm...c-close..." he choked out.

Eric responded by rolling his hips, getting even deeper, going beyond the bundle of nerves which gave Leo his pleasure. Leo couldn't take it any longer. He came with a strangled cry and a shaking body, his finger nails raking against the brick and breaking themselves ragged. Seeing Leo come drew Eric's climax from him, and he grunted, hands tightening around Leo's waist; drawing back a little, he released his cum, an inordinate amount than usual, into Leo's bowels.

He withdrew slowly, carefully, Leo’s loosened asshole still clamped like a nymphomaniacal vice around his shaft.

Leo looked at his flaccid penis, legs and arms spread against the brick wall. If he didn't know better - and he was sure he did, because currently he was drunk as shit - he would have said his abdomen still looked like Eric was inside it. He still felt kind of full. Full, but suddenly tired as fuck. He turned, shakily, and grabbed the other man by the arm.

"Take me home."

...

When Eric woke up the next morning, Leo was already up. They were in Eric's apartment, because it had been closest. It had been a bit of a chore to finagle Leo's limp limbs back into his pants, belt, and shoes, but it was easy enough to carry him bridal style. He weighed under 150 pounds, after all.

Leo was currently tidying the room in general, silently folding a pile of Eric's laundry by the foot of the bed as was his wont.

"Good morning, you monster-cocked bastard," he teased in his brusque way, eyes on the laundry. "I won't be sitting right for one week or walking to work for the next two. Just thought I'd let you know."

Soon you won't be doing either of those things...and it'll be longer than for two weeks...

Eric smiled. "How's the hangover?"

Leo looked at him, eyebrow slightly raised. "What hangover? I'm still fucking buzzed."

Eric smiled, knowing that Leo was lying about still being drunk. His favorite thing to do to get over a hangover was laundry - when Eric had asked him why, once, Leo had told him it was because he liked the smell of the soap so much it got his mind off of how shitty he felt.

They sat in silence for a while, Eric watching contentedly as Leo put away the last dress shirt.

"You're socks have holes in them."

"You could sew them for me if you lived here."

Leo snorted. "You know how to fucking sew, Eric." He shut the small closet closed with a quick, firm snap of his wrists.

Eric rolled onto his side, goading the other man on.

"If you lived here," he continued. "You would do the cleaning and the sewing. I would do the cooking and take care of the kids."

"Kids?" Leo echoed. It made Eric's heart stutter in the most wonderful way when he said that word.

"What kids? I didn't realize kids were a factor under consideration," Leo smiled on the rare occasion. He wasn’t smiling right now, but right now there was an edge to his voice that Eric recognized as humor.

Eric trailed Leo with his eyes as he moved slowly around the room, listlessly picking up dirty socks and soiled Armani shirts with stiff, white collars.

"Our kids. You'd have them, of course."

Leo abandoned his laundry-oriented quest and crawled up next to Eric on the king-sized mattress. He positioned himself in a similar position to Eric’s, but in the reverse so as to face the other man.

"Men don't have kids," Leo said, eyes hooded. "I thought you were smarter than that."

Leo rolled off the bed, landing right side up with ease.

"Besides...," he made towards the door. "If we could have kids, you'd be the one getting knocked up. Not me."

...

Five Weeks Later

...

It was a typical day. Eric was fulfilling his typical duties, planning the next merger with a former rival company. It was taking a while this time. The funds weren’t matching up quite right, and he knew he’d eventually have to call in the corporate lawyer to sort out the paperwork. It was getting harder and harder to squeeze the necessary funds from the board members. They were still doing well overall as a company, but there were others who felt they should spend more time developing interior resources as opposed to making to acquisitions.

Eric needed to send out appeals to dozens of people both within the board and out. He had just written about fifteen personal notes to fifteen different typed official letters, filled with flattery and pragmatic pliancy. His hand was cramping, and he needed a walk.

He had been walking through the lower levels of the building for about fifteen minutes when he came across Leo.

"Good morning," he greeted, then gave pause. "...Leo, are you alright?"

Leo was pale, usually so, and it contrasted starkly with his dark hair. His lips were pressed together in a firm line, as if he were reluctant to talk. He looked a little unsteady on his feet.

He shook his head in the affirmative.

"Yes, I'm fucking fi-" his words stopped suddenly as a look of surprise and disgust flitted across his face. Leo pushed past Eric and into the nearby bathroom so quickly it took Eric a few moments to figure out where he had gone to.

"Leo?" Concerned, Eric followed him inside.

He found him hunched over a toilet, on his hands and knees, dry-heaving and making a retching noise. Eric made to support him but stopped when Leo held up a hand.

After a few minutes of dry heaving, Leo leaned back, face still pale.

"I've been doing this all damn morning," his voice was tight. "It started yesterday...goes away in the afternoon then comes back again..."

Eric felt a thrill of excitement despite himself.

Nothing is definite yet, he told himself.

"Are you sick?"

"Other than this shit I feel fine."

"Maybe something you ate?"

"Maybe."

Leo sighed and slowly got to his feet. "If this keep up I'll go to a..." his face took on a look of reluctance, "...doctor."

He turned to Eric. "Don't tell anyone about this. I don't need fuckheads making shitter jokes at me right now."

Eric nodded.

"Your secret is safe with me."

Oh, if only he knew.

…

Leo was feeling ill again. It had been two days since he’d run into Eric on his way to the bathroom and he was feeling anything but better. He lounged on the leather sofa in Eric’s currently empty office. The tall blond was probably at a meeting with some higher ups. Leo had heard all his routine grumblings before.

A trash can was situated by his head for easy access, a pillow propped under his head for comfort. Leo wasn’t immune to the drain of everyday activity, but lately he’d been feeling more exhausted than usual. In addition to the nausea he was taxed physically and emotionally. The past few days he’d begun to notice a lingering ache in his abdomen, somewhere from behind his bellybutton to the top of his groin. He felt like his limbs were filled with lead, and the fact that he was having trouble getting full nights of sleep didn’t help much. Bizarre dreams plagued his nights, and the inexplicable emotional fallout was inexplicable. Leo did not consider himself a very emotional person, but there he was, holding his gut and crying his eyes out into his pillow at three a.m.

Not only that, but he seemed to have put on more weight as of recent. His toned abdomen had melted into something more convex. He hadn’t even noticed it until Monday, when he couldn’t zip his pants up all the way. He’d been walking around with his pants partially unzipped since then, hoping no one would notice, but as the week wore on the zipper stopped lower and lower on its metal teeth.

“Leo, why are you in here?” Eric was standing in the doorway, gorgeous as usual, holding a few binders under one arm. His gaze lingered on the trashcan. “Are you feeling sick again?”

Leo sighed, “I never stopped feeling sick.” With these words he felt a wave of nausea. “Fuck.” He kept it down.

He continued, “I’m nauseous, I can’t sleep, my clothes don’t fit, and my stomach hurts. I want to fucking die.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

Eric walked over to him, putting a hand on his forehead.

“You’re a little clammy, but you’re not warm. Do you want something to eat?”

Leo got a little sheepish. He knew Eric wouldn’t like what he had to say about eating.

“I haven’t eaten anything in two days.”

“…Leo!”

“It won’t stay down!”

Eric fixed him with what Leo called “the stare”.

“Saltine crackers. I’m getting you food. Stay right there.”

Leo groaned, “Fuck, me.”

“Maybe when I get back,” Eric slyly retorted on his way out, knowing full well that wasn’t what the other man meant.

When Eric returned, he’d brought more than saltine crackers. He’d also brought bland flavors of soup, a loaf of bread, a bag of mixed fruits, and a carton of water. He set it in Leo’s lap.

“Eat,” he instructed.

“What, all of it?!”

“Yes.”

“Well…”

“It’ll make you feel better.”

“I could give it a shot. You might have to help me, though.”

“Of course.”

Leo started with a bottle of water and the four pack of saltines. He took a drink of water after every ten crackers. His nausea began to marginally subside, slowly being replaced by the hunger of the past two days. Pack one, two, three, and four all went down without a problem. Then came the fruit, which was a grocery store assortment of cubed melons, strawberries, and a few other common things like blueberries and grapes. He finished the bag in ten minutes.

“Wow,” said Eric, impressed. Leo would say almost turned on, judging by the look on his face.

“Yeah.”

“Still hungry?”

“Mhm.”

“Good.”

Eric was watching intently, and Leo decided to play this interest in his food consumption for all it was worth. He consumed the soup slowly, can by can by can. He made little noises of enjoyment and watched the effect that they had on the other man. It was after the fourth can Leo decided he was done.

“I can’t eat anymore. I’m stuffed.”

Eric smiled. “Not yet you aren’t.”

He grabbed the bread, twisting off the plastic tie. Leo was slightly alarmed, but excited as well.

“You’ll have to hel-,” Leo began, cut off by the abrupt presence of soft, white bread between his lips. He swallowed it thickly. “What are you doing?”

“Helping you,” Eric supplied happily, putting another piece between his lips. Leo chewed and swallowed, chewed and swallowed. He had thought he’d felt full before. Now he felt it almost under his ribs, and he had only eaten five pieces.

Bread really is filling…

His belly began to ache, but not in the way he had before. It felt good.

“Ohhh…” he groaned after he swallowed the seventh piece.

Eric grinned, continuing to feed him. He would wait for Leo to finish chewing and swallow, give him some time to make those delicious noises, then put in another piece for him to work on.

After a few minutes, there was no more bread left. Leo closed his eyes, hands resting on the sides of his now bloated, aching belly. He felt gentle fingers ghost across the front of his shirt, his buttons straining and his pants now fully unzipped by the small bulge of his gut.

“You look so good like this,” Eric said quietly.

“I’m glad you like it. Pervert.”

Eric began to massage Leo’s stomach in small circles, occasionally cupping either side of it and kissing or licking at his bellybutton.

“Hmm…” Leo learned back, eyes closed, enjoying the sensual sensation. After a while, though, he leaned forward, and was momentarily puzzled by what he saw.

“What’s that?” he said.

Eric stopped his ministrations to look up.

“What’s what?”

“That.”

Leo had noticed something different about his belly, something other than its bloatedness but which its bloatedness had probably contributed to. There was an extremely faint line bisecting the two halves of his belly. It started at the base of his shaven groin and curved all the way up to his belly button. It was slightly squiggly in some places, as if drawn on with an unsteady hand by a drunk cartoonist.

“Oh. This?” Eric traced a finger up and down its length a few times.

“Yeah,” Leo shuddered at the pleasant sensation.

Eric watched his reaction and laughed quietly. “I don’t know what it is, but based on your expression right now I think I’m going to be touching it a lot.”

#mpreg #belly #stuffing

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yamtrain48 · 4 years ago

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Laser Teeth Whitening In Solihull.

Content

Everyones Teeth Respond In A Different Way To Whitening Therapies.

Mouth & Teeth Anatomy.

One Dimension Fits All Treatments.

Frequently Asked Questions Concerning Laser Teeth Whitening.

Everyones Teeth Respond In Different Ways To Whitening Treatments.

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Comprehensive Report on Teeth Whitening Pen Market 2020 | Size, Growth, Demand, Opportunities & Forecast To 2026 | DenMat, Dental, Sunup, HongYu, Philips - Factory Gate

Comprehensive Report on Teeth Whitening Pen Market 2020 | Size, Growth, Demand, Opportunities & Forecast To 2026 | DenMat, Dental, Sunup, HongYu, Philips.

Posted: Wed, 30 Dec 2020 13:03:00 GMT [source]

Tray design-- Whitening tray design is essential in any kind of lightening procedure. There should be a good seal around the gingival margin, no matter tanks on the labial surface pH degree-- Peroxide is most reliable as well as energetic at a neutral pH of 7.0 or above. Make sure you pick a gel with a close to neutral pH that has as an increased alkalinity as soon as applied. We wish to recommend patients that many images and also videos made use of throughout our website were taken as well as created prior to the COVID-19 episode. Therefore social distancing guidelines as well as additional degrees of PPE are not presented. Client Care Group Planning treatment can be difficult, we're below to assist.

Mouth & Teeth Composition.

Comprehensive Report on Teeth Whitening Products Market 2020 | Size, Growth, Demand, Opportunities & Forecast To 2026 | LM, LUSTER, Lion, GSK, Unilever - LionLowdown

Comprehensive Report on Teeth Whitening Products Market 2020 | Size, Growth, Demand, Opportunities & Forecast To 2026 | LM, LUSTER, Lion, GSK, Unilever.

Posted: Wed, 30 Dec 2020 15:05:00 GMT [source]

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These trays are an important part of optimal results because they keep the whitening gel against enamel. The various other vital to results is the focus of peroxide found in specialist grade whitening gel. After a week to 2 weeks of day-to-day use, your smile can be transformed. Our laser teeth whitening light produces an intense, pure beam of light to efficiently increase the teeth whitening process. Created specifically for the beauty sector, no other cosmetic whitening system creates the same level of whitening results while ensuring your convenience as well as security. Are you trying to find a brighter smile but puzzled by all the treatments available?

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The results are immediate partly due to the drying of the enamel and this can be viewed as a less refined modification. If further whitening is preferred after that the procedure can be done once again or continued with a house bleaching kit as detailed over. If visit this page are going to obtain your teeth bleached Dr Marques does suggest seeing a skillfully certified dental expert. Some beauty salons could use teeth whitening treatments however this is actually illegal as well as can create long-term damage to your teeth, it needs to be done by a dental practitioner or controlled dental specialist. For those that lead hectic lives and also desire a rapid and also superb teeth whitening outcome, Zoom Teeth Whitening is a fantastic alternative. Zoom makes use of a whitening gel that is laser-activated by our cosmetic oral specialists to speed up the whitening effect and enhance the effect. Similar to any type of tooth whitening product, the product is not recommended for children under 13 years old and also expecting or lactating women.

#teeth whitening #laser teeth whitening #best teeth whitening #teeth whitening UK #teeth whitening England #teeth whitening United Kingdom

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tsukiyaki · 5 years ago

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Discipline

A couple weeks back, my life group studied the Lord’s discipline in Hebrews 12:3-11. At the end, I testified about how I came into 2020 knowing it would be a year in which God would teach me discipline, and that through that, the Spirit would bear the fruit of self control in me. In the last 3 months, I have approached work, my relationship with God, and self care with more intentionality and discipline than I ever thought I was capable of. I shared about the fruit that has come out of this grueling season.

But shortly after, a series of events unfolded that completely destroyed my newfound lifestyle.

Growth vs. perfection

I’ve noticed that whenever I testify publicly about something great that the Lord is currently doing in my life, that very thing seems to fall apart shortly after. When that happens, my first instinct is often to question the legitimacy of the word of my testimony and wonder if I’m just a fraud. Make one mistake, and every victory from before feels invalidated. I used to think this was purely spiritual attack. But now I wonder if perhaps it’s a test of my faith. It could very well be both, knowing that what the enemy wants to use for harm, the Lord has other plans for.

This time, I looked at how easily that practice of discipline shattered in the face of adversity. As I pondered my feelings of shame and disappointment, I realized that I still desire/value a perfect record and the certainty of approval that comes with it more than the heart and character God is interested in developing in me through both success and failure.

If I were to truly establish my complete identity in Him and boast in Christ alone, I could fail a million times and get back up again, knowing that I have nothing to lose and my failures can’t define me, because God uses them to continue to refine me. But I am still afraid of failure, because I do still have something to lose, something that He can’t protect me from, because I have not fully surrendered it to Him: an idea of myself, who I’d like to be, and where I’d like to be able to say I’m at.

I think the perfection of Christ comes from who He is, not what He did. If I am to be perfect as Christ is perfect, the first thing I need to be able to do is let God define “perfection” and understand what its source and measure truly are. Since He is always looking at the heart, it must start there. And since only He can change a heart, there’s really nothing I can do but let Him in and embrace however He wants to bring that change to pass.

Breaking down

Starting last week, the coronavirus situation has been wiping the floor with me. At first, I was very angry at how this virus made me feel imprisoned against my will. Basically everything I was looking forward to leading into the summer got canceled. If you remember from a few blog posts ago, it’s very hard for me to deal with change. There has been a lot of nonstop change. On top of all that, the week was also very emotionally demanding for different reasons.

So I was terrified. With what felt like very little preparation, I would soon have to navigate a world that has restricted access to human interaction. How could I do that and come to a point where I could accept that that is part of who I am and a legitimate need, but also know that even without that, Christ is sufficient for me? I couldn’t, as far as I was concerned. So I rebelled and self-sabotaged.

I threw discipline out the window. I did whatever it took to feel like I still had some semblance of control over my life, even if that control was over how I chose to destroy it (e.g. not sleeping, shutting God out, indulging emotional whims).

Turning back to God

It took me a few days of mistreating myself before I summoned up the will to seek accountability. After I sent a few friends an update on my situation, I laid in bed and reached for my phone. I think it has been months since I’ve turned to God for a “Spotify therapy session.” I put my worship playlist on shuffle, and He speaks to me through the songs. I realized that I had stopped because I thought it was a cheap way to connect with Him, that I was cheating in some way by not sitting myself down for hours, highlighters and pen in hand, solemnly deconstructing the Bible word by word to find Him instead. I still had this impression of what “seeking God” looks like based on the standard examples provided at church, and everything else just didn’t seem legitimate. But He continues challenging me to stop looking to other people to tell me how to live my life, stop waiting for someone else’s approval and affirmation before I can believe that I know anything, and to start trusting that I know how He leads me.

We often advise people to “give it to God” or “go seek the Lord,” but what does that really mean? Just like no two people relate to others in the same way, apart from God Himself, nobody knows better than you and I how we best connect with God. And while the Word and prayer are inevitable, they aren’t confined to retreating with a paper Bible or assuming a certain prayer stance. Finding comfort in God and hearing Him speak could look different for every person, and it’s our job to figure it out for ourselves. But across the board, I think what we’re really saying is whatever your method is, go do it so you can get a fresh revelation of Him, a fresh encounter, a moment of connection in which you step into His presence, encounter His glory, and watch it eclipse everything else. And that’s what happened to me over the course of 14 songs on Spotify.

Spotify therapy

Before I pressed play, I was a shell of myself. I had no desire to do anything. I was defeated and desperate. I thought there was no way out of the suffocating circumstances I found myself in. Within an hour of listening to the Lord speak to me, I felt like I had risen on wings like eagles.

He opened my eyes to the fact that the same thing that's causing so much division and chaos right now may be the very thing that forces us to become tighter and more connected globally and in our own communities, if we want to survive. Because anything else that anybody could usually find their security in is being stripped away right now. What's left is a really good, honest look at where our hearts really are, and what is really worth building a life on that’s capable of sustaining us. The answer will be Jesus.

In my own life, I’ve seen in the midst of a much more demanding workload that being able to regularly be with people is something that matters as much to me as breathing. And when coronavirus threatened that and took it away, I threw a fit, because I felt out of control. I felt helpless and feared the pain of having my air taken away. I also felt guilty and scared that I seemed to have learned nothing about discipline, and that people were still an idol in my life. But when I finally chose to bring this all before God, He simply reminded me that I am fully provided for, and I actually believed Him.

His love bolstered me. I remember those 14 songs and the message He spoke to me. He is my provider. I have all I need in Him. His love is my reward and the reason I keep pressing forward. I am not alone, and He goes before me to make a way. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me so much. He has already won this war. Even as I play my part and partner with Him, I walk in and towards certain victory. He has won my heart more than any other. There is no one more beautiful, more wonderful, more glorious than He. He is so much more than what I leave behind, so much more than anything I could ever lose, so I can afford to live this life to its fullest. I can love like I am unafraid of having my heart broken, because I can afford to love like Jesus loves. I do not have to stand here second-guessing myself and calling myself an idiot for caring too much. I can stand here confidently knowing His people are worth every fallen tear, worth facing any fear, worth the effort. And that includes me.

And whether it hurts like hell or the fight is won, I will praise the Lord, because He calls me to do so and says I can. So I will.

Getting back up

Even when everything felt like it was falling apart, the moment He showed me that He knows exactly what’s going on, nothing has changed between us, and He is so close that even without me telling him, he knows where I'm at--that was enough for me to stand back up and try again, without anything changing for the better in my circumstances.

Things didn’t stop at me feeling better about my life or myself. After being strengthened again, I went out and did what the enemy tried to stop me from doing: I praised God, I declared His truth with even more boldness than I had at life group, and I saw nothing but opportunity where there was once despair. I had not only found vision and purpose again, I heard His voice again, a voice that silenced every other. I reached out to my coworkers with newfound appreciation in my heart, and I made sure they knew how much they meant to me. I reminded a coworker of how when the darkness grows, the light shines ever brighter, and that is exactly the climate the world finds itself in with this coronavirus pandemic, and he too was encouraged and caught the vision. I had a great talk with another friend later in the day and was able to encourage and comfort him through his circumstances.

I sucked it up and stopped being angry that I would have to suffer for at least the next month and not get to connect with people in the easy, convenient way I’m used to. And I realized if the world won’t hand connection and community to me on a silver platter, fine, because God built me with the gifting and vision to make a silver platter of my own, even to be that silver platter for others, and that is enough.

When the war is won but the battles keep on

Honestly, I wish the testimony could end there, but it doesn’t. Just a few hours after all of those victories, I sunk back into an emotional pit. But things had changed, ever so slightly. I went to bed on time. I kept seeking accountability. I ended the day admitting that I was even further from perfection than I thought I was, yet I was somehow more accepting of where I was than before. And I took that as proof that I had grown.

This week has been another week of trial by fire. It has been the hardest week of 2020 so far (I honestly didn’t think it could get worse than last week, but the record amount of tears I’ve shed prove me wrong), but not for the reasons I thought it would be. In just the last couple of days, I realized I’ve made several wrong conclusions in this very blog post about where I’m at and what I need or desire. But admitting that I’m wrong opened up the door to more growth, a very challenging and painful kind of growth.

And then it hit me: this is discipline.

The Lord loves me so so much, for He is disciplining me. Hebrews 12:3-11 could not be more real to me than it is right now. I didn’t waste the first 3 months of this year. I didn’t get thrown into this situation carelessly. God has been preparing me way ahead of time by getting me to a point where I could survive my current circumstances. He trained me in discipline that I could schedule and plan for, which was a step up from having none at all. But now, He is building discipline into my character.

Character is something no storm in life could ever take from me. Character is what’s left when my habits and willpower are stripped away like they were this past week. I’ve got a long way to go, and I’m honestly not looking forward to it because it’s going to be painful. Hebrews promised me that much. But I want that yield of peaceful fruit of righteousness in those who have been trained by discipline. I want to be a child of God who has given Him everything, so that He can work in me to will and to work for his good pleasure, with no restrictions. I know, somewhere deep down inside me, this is all going to be worth it.

Please pray for me as I continue this arduous journey. I need it.

#dominoes

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hopeisour4letteredword · 5 years ago

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fast cartoons are the easiest for me to do without a clear goal in mind. to be honest, being able to make myself laugh when i look back through a sketchbook is a lot more important to me than “proper” drawing, so quick cartoons with interesting context or dialogue make up the bulk of my work. it’s satisfying to put more time into a piece sometimes, but it does require a different mindset, and one that i’m less likely to be in on any given day, especially if i’m busy. it��s much easier to get frustrated with planned and drafted pieces.

i’m glad that many of the styles i put out on this blog are well-received! i’m glad that you see this as range in my art! but my “scribble” cartoons are the most fun and accessible to me on a regular basis, and i’m proud of them. i don’t put anything up on this blog that i wasn’t at least a little proud of when i made it, even if all i was proud of was the dialogue. i guess what i want you to take away from this is that i’m frustrated with the language of “just little scribbles” and “proper” art, even if you’re kind of poking fun at yourself while you say it.

you can find more planned and cleaned-up klapollo art that i’ve done recently here (which is the most stylistically similar to what i just posted) and here. i don’t know whether you’re interested in the more structured art in general, or the very cleaned-up digital look. if you’re just interested in the more structured stuff, like the second image set i linked, you can find it by browsing through my klapollo tag. i don’t tend to do very cleaned-up digital work often because, historically, it doesn’t actually get that much attention on the blog. this doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing, but it means that it has to be a project that i’m willing to commit that much time to for myself.

the six-shooter piece didn’t get nearly as much attention as some of my quick-and-rough cartoons have. i was incredibly proud of it at the time, so that kind of sucked. but i hadn’t done it to get validated on the internet; i had done it because i had imagined the image composition and i thought “that’s fun, i want to make that real.” part of the reason i’ve been updating this blog much, much more frequently than i used to lately is that i’ve reached the point where i draw what i want for me, and if i think other people might like something i post it, but if they don’t--disappointing, but i’m still happy to have made it. the oocc + aa series of cartoons is completely self-indulgent. some of them are really well-received, some of them aren’t. but they make me really happy to draw, so i keep investing the time in them.

i want to be really clear that this isn’t personal, and i’m not sitting here going “man, this jerk doesn’t respect me or the effort involved in art,” but you’ve stumbled across a pet peeve of mine. very clean digital work is usually a solid time investment for me. as it says in the caption, i spent at least three hours on the fluri picture. i don’t remember how much time i spent on the six-shooter piece, but i’d definitely guess upwards of five hours. just about everything i post is something that i’ve made for myself in my free time, and i’m happy to share them with you at no cost. i’m thrilled that people enjoy them. sometimes in the tags or the replies, people will have comments or ideas that i like enough to explore more, and that’s great! but it’s much more likely to be as a quick cartoon than a carefully planned and refined piece. high-effort, clean digital work is, for me, a bigger commitment to make for a little bit of validation on the internet that isn’t even a guarantee. does this mean i’m never going to post refined digital works? of course not. i’ll throw them into the mix sometimes just like i have been.

tl;dr- you’re always going to see a lot more cartoons than extremely clean pieces from me. this is because i’m an amateur artist producing content for free. you can find some cleaner pieces for klavier and apollo in the tags on my blog. i think all of my tags should be pretty straightforward, although i would be happy to clarify or point you in the right direction.

i get some really nice comments on my work, and i really, really appreciate that. you guys make my day a little brighter. this isn’t a cry for validation. but i’ve been gaining followers at a baffling rate recently, and i wanted to establish some boundaries. sorry you happened to be the one to catch my attention!

to be completely honest, i wouldn’t be comfortable producing high-effort work on request + for free on a regular basis even if i could, because i don’t want to undermine professional artists. my peers deserve to have their professional time and commitments respected. if there’s a lot of interest, i could get ko-fi and/or patreon going, and i would be more than happy to compensate people for their support with some cleaner pieces. i have a vague idea of how i would set up my price scale for commissions, but again, i would need to know there was interest if i was going to go through the work of setting that up.

#i hope that this goes without saying but dont like. track this person down in my notes and bother them #i dont even know if i have the following for that sort of thing but id rather not find out #choc talks #not art

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bevioletskies · 6 years ago

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across the universe [2/8]

summary: Peter, the son of the Chancellor, has lived among the stars for the first ten years of his life. Gamora, the future Commander of Terra, has lived on the ground for the first ten years of hers. Though it’s finally time for the last survivors of the so-called apocalypse to return to Earth, they might not be prepared for what’s waiting for them. But when Peter and Gamora meet and find their worlds irreversibly tangled together, titles, obligations, and the impending war may be the very last thing on their minds.

a/n: The premise of this fic is very loosely based off of The 100, the television show more so than the book series. However, no previous knowledge is required, as I only used the basic concept and language, and none of the storylines or characters arcs from the show.

Fic title is from the song Across The Universe by The Beatles. Prologue can be found here. Warning for injuries, blood, and bad parenting.

word count: 11.4k | ao3 | tag

Gamora felt as if she looked a bit strange to anyone who happened to be nearby - hopefully, nobody - sitting under a tree, tapping one foot impatiently as she sharpened her favorite blade. Logically, she knew it would be safer to hide at the top of the tree in case she came across the wrong clan, but there was a sort of nervous energy pulsating through her that needed to be expended, different to the kind of energy she felt during a training session (or a real fight).

While she waited, her mind wandered to earlier in the morning when she was at breakfast with Nebula. It was hard to look at her sometimes, to see the pieces of her that were no longer her, the pieces that glinted in the sunlight and echoed with a metallic clang when struck. To their father, a broken leg meant a replaced one, an offhand complaint about being unable to hear something meant a complete overhaul of her sensory system. To him, a lost fight meant everything. Gamora looked down to her own arm, watched the silver twist and turn underneath her skin like new veins. They still burned sometimes.

“Gamora?”

She quickly drew her arm behind her back and looked up to see Peter standing there, a boyish grin on his face. He was dressed differently than when she saw him three weeks ago, his hair longer and curling slightly over his shining eyes. The most notable thing, however, was the glow of his hands, and in his cupped palms was a crudely-made rubber ball. “Hapotei.”

He blinked. “Sorry?”

“Happy birthday,” she sighed; she could’ve sworn she’d taught him that last time after they agreed to meet on his eleventh birthday. They’d been meeting in secret for six months now, starting off as her simply teaching him some basics of the language and the planet, then quickly developing into tentative, but hopeful friendship. She also conveniently left out the fact that she was a daughter of Thanos. In all fairness, he spoke fondly of his mother and sister but didn’t speak of his father, either, and they left it at that. She knew it was risky for both of them to be spending time together, but she found herself genuinely enjoying his company, found that she felt just a little bit less like their great and terrible world was waiting for her to lead the way. He was the only person in her life who didn’t know her predetermined fate.

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, she got to her feet and went to join him, stashing her blade as she did. “I think it’s weird that your people remember what day they were born.”

“I think it sucks that your people don’t,” he shot back, though not unkindly. “But c’mon, isn’t this cool? Made it myself!” He held out his hands, proud. She poked the ball gingerly, leaving a permanent fingerprint on its surface. “Okay, so it’s not the best thing ever - ”

“It’s...better,” she said slowly, thinking back to the time he’d presented her with what looked like an approximation of a deflated balloon. She had asked him about the light the second time they met since she never got the chance during their first encounter, and ever since then, he’d been far too eager to bring deformed creations along with him. “You’re getting better.” Her eyes flickered upwards to his shoulders, taking in the shiny red leather. “Your jacket...it smells new.”

“You can smell - yeah, okay,” Peter chuckled. “Yeah, it’s a birthday present from Yondu. Oh, and my mom gave me this!” He unhooked something from the belt loop of his jeans and held it out to her, some rectangular device that looked positively ancient compared to all the technology they both had access to. She carefully took it, turning it over in her hands as if it would magically explain itself. “It’s called a Walkman. Plays music.”

“My people don’t have music,” Gamora said. Peter looked scandalized. “What do you do with it?”

“Do? Nothin’. You listen to it. Or you can dance.” He shrugged.

“My people don’t dance,” she retorted, sullen.

“No birthdays, no dancin’...your people really don’t know how to have fun,” Peter grinned. “You gotta dance with me sometime.”

Gamora looked at him dubiously. “...no.”

He only laughed, bright and notably cheerful, even for him, and ambled on down the slope toward the stream, gesturing for her to follow. She huffed impatiently - honestly, she gave him one orienteering lesson and suddenly he was acting like he was the expert - but followed him regardless.

The weather was idyllic, far nicer than it had any right to be. Last night had been another night of war, the kind that raged on until sunrise, when blood seemed brighter and bolder and ridden with guilt. Thanos and Ego had been attacking each other from afar, still having never met in person, and every day it seemed like there was at least another name or two or ten that both sides were left to mourn. Gamora had grown numb to it; Peter had not, holding his breath every time his father had another announcement to make. It was something they never talked about.

“I don’t wanna learn nothin’ new today. Let’s just...sit.” Peter plopped down unceremoniously beside the stream, his legs sprawled out across the pebbles, not caring for the way the water trickled between them, dampening the underside of his jeans.

“If it’s your birthday, how did you get away from your family? Don’t they want to spend time with you?” Gamora asked, sitting neatly beside him. She drew her knees into her chest, away from the water.

“Parents are working, sister’s with her friends. They didn’t even see me leave,” he said, shrugging. “Mom said she’s gonna make me a cake later.”

“Your mother sounds so perfect whenever you talk about her,” she said wistfully. Peter perked up.

“You wanna meet her?”

Gamora was startled by the question. It had never crossed her mind that she and Peter could exist outside of the space they’d created for themselves. She knew she certainly didn’t want Peter to get anywhere near her world, still remembering the awful way he’d looked at her when she mercy-killed one of her soldiers on the night they met. She didn’t want him to look at her like that ever again.

“Maybe,” she hummed, hoping she sounded more nonchalant than she felt. The idea of a parent who loved their children was not something she’d ever entertained. There were plenty of loving families within Sanctuary’s walls, sure, but it was mostly parents adoring the children who were strong enough to become warriors, and disregarding those who weren’t. Her mind went to Drax again, how he used to sit by himself at meals until Gamora (and a reluctant Nebula) decided to join him. Losing his parents so young had done him no favors in so many unfortunate and unforeseeable ways.

“Then come back with me.” Gamora had been so lost in her own thoughts, she nearly forgot what Peter was talking about. “You can have cake and meet my family! Or I guess, my mom and my sister.”

“Not your father?” she asked.

“Everyone says he’s not a ‘family man’,” he said dismissively. “Y’know, whatever that means.”

“I don’t,” she said, frowning. “Does he work a lot? You make him sound like a very important person.”

“He’s...uh...yeah, you could say that,” Peter hedged, refusing to meet her eyes. Gamora’s frown deepened.

“Is he part of your army?” she persisted. “Like a general? A captain?”

“Like...he’s kind of…” He scratched at a non-existent itch on the back of his hand, his gaze now fully cast downward into his own lap. “...the Chancellor.”

Gamora shot to her feet, her mind racing with possibilities, her heart beating with betrayal. Already, she could feel tears burning hot in her eyes, taunting her for letting trust overtake instinct. “Your father is the one killing my people?!”

“Your people started it,” Peter mumbled petulantly, cowering, though he knew it was only going to make things worse. “My mom and all them others, they just wanted their planet back. I don’t see why we gotta die for it.”

“I can’t - ” Gamora exhaled, resting one hand on her stomach, fingers splayed outward, willing herself to calm down. “There are orphans, Peter. Children who don’t have parents because your father wanted it that way.”

“You think we don’t got that, too?” His voice was rapidly rising; fists balled up in his lap. He didn’t want to give Gamora the satisfaction of knowing she’d angered him; Meredith had told him too many times before that he needed to be better with his temperament. “Everyone...everyone’s got dead people. ‘Cos of my dad, and...what’s his name again?”

“Thanos.” Gamora swallowed. “My father.”

Now it was Peter’s turn to have his blood run cold, to have his mouth fall open in a rather comical manner, though neither of them were laughing. “You gotta be kiddin’.” When she shook her head, he also got to his feet, shaking off the damp bits of grass that had stuck to his clothes. “Some birthday I’m having.” With that, he turned and ran off, ignoring Gamora calling after him, a voice he’d been so thrilled to hear when he first arrived, a voice that now made him feel vaguely ill.

“Peter, please!” Gamora shouted, even after he was long gone, and she groaned in frustration, collapsing back down onto the ground, not caring when her boots struck the water and splashed the hems of her pants. It amazed her how terrible everything had become so quickly, how awfully serendipitous it was that the one Skaikru she’d befriended was her equivalent in the worst possible way. She wrapped her arms around her knees, pulling them back into her chest.

Inhale, exhale, she told herself, trying to think of all the breathing exercises she’d been taught, the rules that had been drilled in her head. She could almost hear Thanos’s voice, paradoxically dull and menacing at the same time: “Your anger doesn’t feed you, daughter, it starves you. What you need is focus. You are a plangona, the future heda. Do not waste your breath on those who don’t deserve it.” Her eyes slid closed, her breath evening out, gentle. In. Out. In. Out.

In her peace, Gamora never saw the unfamiliar hands that reached out for her.

Peter returned to New Arkardia not too long after he left, his face and fists still burning with anger. He was instantly waved through the gates upon his arrival, weaving through the crowd of people who either reached out to greet him with far too much enthusiasm or looked at him with far too much derision.

He reached his house a few minutes later, a happy medium between his father’s lust for luxury and his mother’s desire for normalcy, built a mere two days after they landed on Earth. Peter had to admit, as much as he despised Ego’s over-the-top approach to just about everything, the New Arkadia settlement was something to be proud of. It was a small, self-contained town, with dirt roads winding and snaking along between the trees, houses and community buildings nestled along the way, running alongside the river. They had a steady stream of food and supplies, all the adults had settled back into the jobs they had on the original Ark, and the children had mostly adjusted to their newfound freedom, the ability to take in fresh air after a long day in the classroom. However, no one strayed too far from their territory, knowing that the other factions were still hunting them, waiting to chase them right off the earth.

“Peter, is that you?” Meredith called from the living room when he opened the front door. “Where’ve you been runnin’ off to, baby?”

“Followin’ Yondu around,” he lied easily, kicking off his shoes. He went to join her, still awed at the fact they had more than one couch, bookshelves that went all the way to the ceiling, thick pile rugs and quilted blankets and a crackling fireplace. It was a bit like the bigger apartment they’d had when he and Mantis were younger before Ego shuffled them off to their smaller place in favor of investing in their return to Earth, full of quiet luxuries he didn’t realize he’d missed so much.

“That’s odd, because I just left my graveyard shift at the medical center and Yondu was there, checkin’ up on that guard of his who got speared last night.” Meredith clicked her tongue to punctuate her point, though her eyes never left the book she was reading. “Don’t lie to me, Peter. You’ve been sneaking out on us, and as your mother, I have the right to know who, where, and why.”

Peter hesitated. “I made a friend.”

“What’s their name?” she pressed, flipping the page.

“Don’t matter,” he grouched. “We got into a fight. That’s why I came back.”

Meredith finally set her book aside, sweeping Peter up in her arms. “Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I’m sure things’ll smooth over eventually. They must be special if you wanted to spend your birthday with them. How far were you?”

“Outside the gates,” he mumbled into her shoulder. She instantly released him.

“Peter,” she exclaimed, the growl in her voice causing him to recoil. “Do you think your daddy made all them rules just because he can? Do you think I’m stitchin’ up wounds, day and night, because our guards just got a little clumsy?”

“I’m sorry, Mom.” He sank further into the couch cushions, ashamed. “I just...wanted to get closer to the river. The forest gets kinda boring after a while.”

“You only go outside the gates if you’ve got Yondu with you, you hear me?” She cupped his chin, tilting his head upward so his eyes could meet hers. “You promise me that.”

Peter muttered another apology, then curled into her side again, soothed by her warmth and her perfume. He didn’t want to think about how things had gone so wrong an hour ago, all the things he thought he understood about Gamora and their newfound friendship now soured by their respective truths. Of course, a part of him still wanted to see her again, but he had a feeling it wasn’t meant to be.

Gamora woke to a dull throbbing in her temples and an ache in her side. She pushed herself up into a seated position, taking stock of her surroundings, and her heart lurched in the realization that she was somewhere entirely unfamiliar. At most, she could tell she was in an underground cellar, with old-fashioned metal bars and sturdy stone walls, none of the advanced technology that Thanos used for the prisons on Sanctuary. An opposing faction, then. Can’t be Azgeda, she thought dizzily, prodding herself for broken bones, sprained joints and pulled muscles. They don’t take people alive.

It wasn’t long before two soldiers came thundering down the steps, leering at her from the cellar door. “Heda,” one of them said mockingly, threading his spear between the bars so he could prod her in the shoulder. He pressed deeply enough to draw just the tiniest bit of blood. “Did you sleep well?”

“Let me go - ” She banged her fists against the bars with a snarl. “I command you, shilkru. Let. Me. Go.”

“You are in no position to make demands. You are not our leader, wanheda is,” the other said; his voice was colder, more monotonous. “What business does he have, choosing a child as his successor?”

“Why do you care? You don’t follow him anyway,” Gamora retorted.

“It matters when we all live here, heda. It matters when your decisions could wipe out this planet, again. What is it about you that makes you so special?”

She faltered. Thanos always told her she was stronger, cleverer, fiercer than the others, but she didn’t feel that way. His army had children who were far more ruthless, and she could only imagine what the younglings of the rival factions were like. For people who had arrived here with some of the most sophisticated technology and weaponry in the entire galaxy, they’d all resorted to savagery far too quickly. “Let me go,” she repeated, gritting her teeth. “You won’t get what you want like this.”

“There must be something about you that wanheda prefers over his adult ‘children’,” the first one continued, tapping the spear against the bars, enjoying the way Gamora shivered with every rattle it made. “And if it means we should hold you here until he listens to our demands, so be it.”

“What could you want that you don’t have?” she asked. “I thought Boudalankru took most of our supplies during the first Conclave.”

The soldiers exchanged glances. “How did you know - ”

“You wear stones around your neck and waists, your cellars are made of stone,” she pointed out. “Who else would you be?” She felt an odd sense of satisfaction at their defeated expressions, though there was no time for celebration. “Wanheda will not come for me. He will not listen to you. So kill me, or let me go.”

The stone-faced one stepped even closer, pressing his face against the bars. She could smell his breath; he was close enough to see the sweat forming on her brow. “What did you say?”

“I said…” Gamora’s voice cracked as she reached out, trembling, to grip the head of his spear and pull it right underneath her chin, its tip pressing into the underside of her jaw. “...kill me, or let me go.”

The other soldier put his hand on his companion’s shoulder, tugging him back in warning. “Koken hainofi...tsa bants.”

“Heda, nou hainofi.” She shoved the spear back through the bars and into the soldier’s chest. Though her breath was still coming in short, her palms bloody and her knees buckling beneath her, she couldn’t help but smile as the two of them sprinted up the steps, a large wooden door hastily slamming shut behind them. “Bushhadas,” she muttered. She then turned to look at the cellar, how bare it was, how there was nothing she could to do to free herself. Well, she thought, rolling her jacket sleeves up, not yet.

Two days came and went, and Peter was still restless over what had happened on his birthday. The rest of the night had actually been kind of nice - they had an intimate family dinner at their house, with Yondu and Kraglin dropping by for cake. Even his father had been less moody than usual, though it was mostly because he’d been boasting about his recent “victory” over the Grounders, as the Arkadians had taken to calling them. Afterward, though, Peter moped around in his room, unable to concentrate on his studies or even his usual bouts of self-appointed mischief.

Then, on a miraculously quiet evening in which there were no deaths, no injuries, no war chants or cries to be heard, Peter and Mantis were doing their homework in the living room when she suddenly sat up. Her antennae glowered, casting an eerie light across her face. “Someone is at the gates.”

Ego, who was sitting opposite them, poring over his blueprints for a recreation center, shot to his feet. “Grounder?”

“I think...it is a Grounder child,” Mantis mused. Peter froze.

“Meredith!” Ego called while he pulled on his coat, not bothering to wait for her answer. “There’s an intruder at the gates, watch the children!”

“Dad, wait - ”

“No, Peter, you stay here. Be safe,” Ego insisted, sharply patting them both on the cheeks before sweeping out the front door. Meredith emerged from her private study and came down the stairs moments later.

“What was that all about?” she asked.

“There is a Grounder child at the gates,” Mantis repeated. “They are by themselves.”

“Oh, poor darling. Must’ve gotten lost,” Meredith murmured, resting a hand over her heart. “I’m sure your daddy’s gonna help ‘em get right back home - ”

“He didn’t say that,” Peter interrupted. “He said ‘intruder’, not ‘kid’.”

“Peter, you know that don’t mean anything,” Meredith scolded lightly, gesturing for them both to settle back down. “Finish your homework now, you’ve got that big presentation tomorrow.”

Reluctantly, they followed suit, sinking back into the couch and picking up their books again. Meredith briefly went upstairs to grab her stack of patient records and bring them back down with her so she could stay close by, though her eyes flickered to the door every few minutes, tapping her foot against the back of her opposite ankle in restlessness.

Not ten minutes went by before the door burst open and Ego stumbled in, practically tripping over his own feet, breathless. “I need all of you to come with me. Now.”

It didn’t take long for them to reach the gates, Peter’s mind and heart racing the entire time. Mantis reached for him and squeezed his hand. At first, he thought it was for herself, that maybe she was worried or scared, until he felt the tension in his body slowly ease its way out. Her breath hitched briefly, followed by a shaky exhale. He turned to smile at her in silent gratitude.

The four of them made their way to the top of the watchtower, joining the two guards who were eyeing something apprehensively on the other side of the gate. Peter had to squint to make sense of what he was seeing, the darkness of the forest swallowing up everything from sight. Then, a silhouette of a child came into focus, short and lanky, but clearly trying to stand tall, to look bigger than they really were. His heart sank when he realized this particular child had no hair.

“She’s been talkin’ that nonsense Grounder talk since she got here,” Ego muttered, his eyes full of hunger. “At first, I thought she was just a distraction for the guards, but then I heard a single word, just one word that I recognized.”

“Ai ste lufa Petr kom Skaikru au,” she called. Her voice was monotonous, dull. “Ai laik Nebula kom Trikru, strisis kom Gamora.”

“Peter? Any idea what she’s saying?” Ego asked urgently.

He hesitated. Mantis, noticing the tremble in his mouth, stood on her toes to peer over the railing, straining her neck to get a better look. “She is desperate.” Meredith made a soft noise of sympathy, reaching to gently pull Mantis back in before she could fall.

“Ai laik Petr kom Skaikru. Weron laik Gamora?” All three of them turned to look at Peter, astonished. Before they could ask the dozens of questions on their mind, Yondu came thundering up the steps, stopping to briefly growl at the guard who stood post at the bottom of the tower and dared remind him of the watchtower’s weight capacity, and shoved his way to Peter’s side.

“You know this kid?” Yondu demanded, gripping Peter’s arm. “You been talkin’ to Grounders?”

“You!” Everyone jumped at Nebula’s sudden language switch, turning back to look at her in time to see her scoff derisively at Peter in a way that made him shrink into himself. “You are my sister’s friend?”

“Not really,” he said, hating the way his voice shook, hating the way everyone’s eyes were fixated on him - not just his family’s, not just Yondu’s, but all the Arkadians who had gathered near the gates, watching the spectacle of the Chancellor’s child, of all people, speaking the Grounder language. “She’s not talkin’ to me no more.”

“She is missing.” Peter’s blood ran cold. “She never came home after she left camp to see you.”

“Did she...did she tell you about me?”

Nebula smirked; it was the first expression she’d made that wasn’t entirely neutral. Somehow, it was even more unsettling. The fact she was quite casually staring down the guards who stood directly opposite her, pointing guns at her head, didn’t help matters, either. “She keeps a box under her bed with these odd...things in it. When she didn’t come home, I went looking for clues in her room and found it, with the word ‘Petr’ written on the lid. There is no Petr in Trikru.” Peter’s face reddened, both out of embarrassment and delight.

“Peter, what is going on here?” Ego said lowly, reaching around Meredith to grab Peter. Before he could, Yondu stepped sideways to block him, holding up his hands defensively. “Captain, step away from my son.”

“You let your boy be, Chancellor, clearly they got a lot to talk about,” Yondu countered, half-bowing his head out of respect, though it only seemed to infuriate Ego further. “And boys, can you stop pointin’ your weapons at the kid already? You’re makin’ me nervous!” The guards slowly lowered their guns, exchanging shameful looks amongst themselves. Nebula seemed unbothered either way.

“We were yelling at each other a bunch, and then I guess I just...left her there,” Peter said, turning back to Nebula, his heart sinking. “Do you think that maybe...someone took her? Like one of the other clans?”

Her chin tilted downward, casting her gaze to her feet. “Maybe,” she repeated, her voice hollow. Then, shaking herself, she turned to leave.

“Wait,” Peter called. She paused mid-step. “I can show you where we were, maybe it’ll help you find her.”

“No, you are not to leave Arkadia,” Ego interrupted firmly, finally managing to step around Yondu and make a literal attempt to shake some sense into Peter, his fingers digging welts his shoulders. “Can’t you see, Peter? This is a trap! Their men are waiting for you on the other side of the ridge.”

“But Dad, if somethin’ happened to her, it’s all my fault,” Peter protested. “I shoulda stayed - ”

“And whoever took that girl would’ve taken you, too. You think they’re looking to make the distinction?” Ego growled. “No, you’re coming straight home with us. Let Yondu’s guards take care of the little actress down there.”

“Ego,” Meredith warned. “Don’t you go after that girl. She’s just lookin’ for her sister, she’s not here to play tricks.”

“This is the first day in months that we’ve had no attacks, and suddenly she shows up, you think that’s a coincidence?” Ego snapped, gesturing wildly in Nebula’s direction. Still, she remained unmoved, arms folded across her chest and tapping her foot like they were mildly inconveniencing her. “You take the kids home, Meredith. Right now.”

“If I may, Chancellor, I think your missus has a point,” Yondu said, clearing his throat. “Now, you know me, I can smell a rat a mile away, and I don’t smell nothing right now. Let me take your boy to help ‘er, and he’ll be safe with me.”

Peter turned to Meredith with wide eyes. “You said I could only go outside the gates when I’m with Yondu, remember?”

She couldn’t help but chuckle, bending down to meet him at eye level, running her fingers through his hair, stopping to cup his chin. “I did, didn’t I? What kind of mother would I be if I went back on my word, hmm?”

“Still the best kind,” Peter said simply, smiling. Meredith laughed, kissing his cheek before straightening up. She then turned to Yondu, her expression hardening somewhat.

“You don’t go any farther than where he was with his friend. After that, you let her people, her sister, find her. You come straight home, you hear me?” Meredith ordered. Peter nodded eagerly while Ego let out a resounding protest that fell on deaf ears. “Now you two go and help bring her home.”

Peter could still hear his parents whisper-shouting urgently at each other as he and Yondu passed through the gates, could still picture Mantis’s tiny but brave face as she stood between them, wondering silently if taking their emotions would do her more harm than good. He reached out to grab Yondu’s arm, knowing he’d be embarrassed if he attempted to grab his hand. “Thanks, Yondu,” he said, grinning up at him. “It’s real nice of you to stick up for me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I just don’t want no dead kids on my conscience,” Yondu grumbled. “Let’s go talk to her before she gets any ideas. I don’t like the funny way she’s looking at my boys.”

When they reached Nebula, Peter immediately noticed that, like Gamora, she was shorter than her demeanor made her seem. Even so, she was even more intimidating than her sister with her inky eyes, hardset mouth, and bits of metal seemingly dispersed all throughout her body - pieces in her skull, her neck, what he could see of her hands through her fingerless gloves. Peter had seen the occasional new glints of silver in Gamora’s face every now and then, but he was never sure if it was okay to ask. Looking at Nebula, he was certain it wouldn’t have been.

“You got some nerve comin’ all the way out here by yourself,” Yondu commented brazenly by way of greeting, his eyes flickering briefly behind her to check for any signs of movement in the forest beyond. “Your parents know you’re here?”

“We have a man who thinks he is our father,” Nebula said; that seemed to shut Yondu right up. “If you’re lying, Petr kom Skaikru, I will kill you.”

Peter swallowed. “Cool.”

It was a brief fifteen-minute walk to the tree where Peter and Gamora liked to meet, far from the battles and the bases, away from prying eyes. He thought about how he approached her just two days ago, excited to see her and talk to her and ask her all sorts of questions about what her life was like. He thought about how Ego was probably right - whoever took Gamora would have taken him, too. He shuddered.

“Tracks.” Nebula walked slowly beside the tread marks along the riverbank, taking a few steps back and then forward again, trying to judge the direction they’d come from and where they’d gone. “No extra footprints, no animal prints.”

“So maybe she just got lost?” Peter suggested, feeling rather silly. Nebula lifted her head to glare at him.

“No,” she said coolly. “Stealth ships don’t make any sound and only leave one set of tracks. There is only one clan who stole them from Father - Boudalankru.”

“Bow-dah-what?” Yondu repeated dubiously.

“You’ve been useful, Petr,” Nebula said, sounding about as surprised as Peter felt. “Now leave.”

“Wait, are you really gonna look for Gamora all by yourself?” Peter asked. “That don’t sound safe.”

“Nothing is,” Nebula said blithely. “Most of wanheda’s army was sent to look for her in Azgeda and Sangedakru. It will be too late by the time they get to Boudalankru. It has to be me.”

“I wanna help,” Peter volunteered. Nebula looked at him incredulously, though before she could say anything, Yondu grabbed him by the wrist and unceremoniously yanked him aside.

“Hey, I promised your mama I’d take you straight home,” Yondu reminded him. “I know you feel bad ‘bout your little friend, but there ain’t nothing we can do. We don’t know nothing about this boh-dal - ”

“Boudalankru,” Peter repeated, remembering the time Gamora had tried and failed (on his part, that is) to teach him all the clan names. It seemed so long ago. “There’s gotta be something I can do, Yondu. Please?”

“No,” Yondu said firmly. “We’re goin’ home and you’re goin’ straight to bed, or your mama’s gonna skin me alive.”

Gamora’s palms were scraped raw, her fingernails broken, her skin cracked. She’d torn a strip of fabric from the bottom of her shirt, then ripped it in two and wrapped it around her hands to suppress the bleeding. Her throat burned from the lack of water, her stomach ached from the lack of food. It had been at least a day since she was taken, and the guards had refused to relieve her of any of her discomforts for her insolence. Now, she was sat cross-legged on the floor of the dirty, damp cellar, contemplating her next move.

Think, Gamora, think, she muttered inaudibly, running her hands over the length of her body for the thousandth time, checking to see if they’d somehow left something sharp on her person, and somehow she hadn’t noticed until now. Then her thumb snagged on the zipper of her jacket, and oh, she thought, there it is. With a quick jostle and a sharp yank, she broke the zipper head clean off its teeth.

She crawled toward the cellar door, then flattened herself against the ground so she was eye level with its bottom hinges, silently assessing the size of its screws. Grimacing, she got back to her feet and began pacing the length of her tiny confinement, running her fingers along its stone walls. She startled a little when she felt a sharp pinprick on the pad of her finger, enough to draw blood. Gamora stepped closer to examine the spot in question, how invisible it was, even to her enhanced eyes, then lifted the tiny zipper head to its surface. Slowly, but surely, she began to file away at its edges.

Long, arduous minutes went by as her shaking fingers moved back and forth, sometimes catching her skin instead of the metal, sometimes slipping from her hand and clattering to the floor. Once she was satisfied with her handiwork, she knelt back down and slotted the sharpened metal into the slot of the screw, turning it ever so slightly. She stretched upwards to reach the top hinges, too, straining with every last bit of strength she had. She stepped back, taking a moment to let her breathing slow to something that wasn’t threatening to swallow her up. You will not die in here.

Gamora stepped forward and rattled the bars. “Chek ai au, bushhadas!” she hollered. “Ai laik yu heda!”

It took less than a minute for the guards to return. “You’re a noisy little thing, aren’t you?”

She merely glared at them. “I’m hungry,” she said, her tone that of an impatient child.

The soldiers exchanged glances, then laughed. “We already told you, you are in no place to make demands, heda,” one of them sneered. He pushed his spear between the bars like he’d done earlier, its end hovering mere inches from her nose. “Why don’t you tell your father we have demands to make of him?”

“He is not my father,” she growled. With that, she gripped the head of the spear and yanked it towards her, jolting it right out of the soldier’s hands so it hit the cellar bars with a loud clang. Using her momentum, she then shoved forward, both her hands braced on either end of the spear, and the door collapsed onto both guards, the hinges shrieking precariously as it fell. They both cried out in shock, their hands scrabbling desperately to get a grip on her somewhere - her hair, her wrists, anything they could use for leverage - but she had them pinned down, the door weighing heavy on their bodies. “If you have demands, you tell them to me.”

The only noise that escaped either of them was an awful, guttural choking sound, sputtering and spitting as the metal bars and the spear laid perfectly across their necks. Gamora got to her feet, pausing to stare at them, swallowing down the acid burning in her throat. They will live, she thought urgently, her heart racing. You didn’t kill them. Not this time.

She sprinted up the stairs, finding herself in a small entryway that seemed to branch off into a whole series of stairways that led to other cells. There, she found her utility belt and weapons tossed aside, and she quickly gathered them up and slipped them back on her person, staying alert to the sights and sounds nearby. When she was ready, she took a deep breath, then pushed her way out of the prison entirely. She was greeted by the blindingly bright sun and the sound of a dozen soldiers’ war cries descending upon her.

“Can’t believe you talked to me into this nonsense,” Yondu grumbled. He, Peter, and Nebula were hidden just outside the vicinity of the guardsmen quarters, where the vehicles were stored. While the Grounders used all manner of technology, as old-fashioned as horses and as high-brow as cloaked ships, the Arkadians kept close to their base, and therefore never needed much more than a few ships and a fleet of armored cars, courtesy of Ego’s limitless powers. “If we don’t die out there, we gonna be dead when we get back. Your daddy’s gonna spear me like an Orloni, then he’s gonna whoop your ass into shape ‘til you’re his age.”

“Do you people ever shut up?” Nebula hissed before Peter could protest. “Why are we hiding from your men?”

“Some of my men are more loyal to the Chancellor than their captain,” Yondu said begrudgingly. “Now get in there ‘fore they see us.”

Their initial take-off was a bit of a tumble since Yondu hadn’t flown since they arrived on Earth - it certainly didn’t help that Peter was trying to push all the buttons on the console in a futile attempt to make himself useful - but then they were airborne, heartbeats pounding rapidly in their ears as they watched the ground get further and further away. Nebula shoved Peter out of the co-pilot’s seat to assist Yondu, grumbling under her breath about his poor steering. Peter then situated himself in the passenger’s seat directly behind her, peering over her shoulder.

“You know how to fly a ship?” he asked, awed.

“Yes,” she replied shortly, though she almost sounded proud of herself.

“Does Gamora?”

Nebula huffed. “How did a goufa like you become friends with my sister?”

“By being awesome,” Peter grinned, leaning back into his chair.

Now it was Yondu’s turn to snort. “Alright, buckle up, kids, I ain’t responsible for you two flyin’ out the window if you don’t.”

Meanwhile, back in New Arkadia, Mantis was curled up by the large bay window at the front of their living room, her face and hands pressed against the glass. She watched as the telltale lights of the underside of Yondu’s ship soar up into the night sky, then peel off into the darkness. “Baby, I thought I told you to go to bed.”

She let out a startled squeak, turning to see Meredith standing in the doorway, her arms folded across her chest. “Sorry, Mama,” she mumbled. “It is just...Peter is not back yet.”

“Your daddy already sent some guards to go looking for ‘em. Nothing we can do not but wait and hope for the best,” Meredith said soothingly, moving to sit beside Mantis by the window. She reached over to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, smiling when Mantis nuzzled affectionately against her hand. “You want me to tuck you in tonight, maybe read you a book and take your mind off things?”

“I do not think I can sleep,” Mantis admitted. “My stomach hurts.”

“I know you’re worried,” Meredith nodded, clicking her tongue sympathetically. “I won’t pretend I’m not worried, too. I know you can see right through me. But we have to take comfort in the fact that Peter isn’t alone. This isn’t like that night, okay? This isn’t like when he ran off trying to protect us.”

Mantis shuddered in memory of that fateful night, the night where the Grounders made themselves known to the Arkadians, storming their camp and chanting their war chants, crying their war cries. The night where Peter was there one moment and gone the next, leaving nothing but a trail of light behind him. He had returned with a sort of haggard look in his eyes that no one ever expected to see on a child. He’d collapsed into Meredith’s arms, mumbling about how tired he was, reached out for Mantis’s hand so he could squeeze, so he could know she was still there for him to look for. In that moment, Mantis felt everything he felt - shock, guilt, disgust, and oddly enough, the tiniest glimpse of hope. Now, she wondered if that was the night he met Gamora, if she was the one who helped him feel just a little bit less like that night was the worst night of everyone’s lives.

“Mantis?” She shook herself out of her thoughts to see Meredith staring at her, brow furrowed in concern. “I asked if you wanted some tea for your stomach. I don’t want you on any medication of any sort unless you really need it.”

“Yes, please.” Mantis turned back to the window while Meredith went into the kitchen, silently pleading for the lights to come back, to bring her brother back so she would know he was safe. She closed her eyes, antennae glowing faintly, trying to see if she could detect Peter above all the noise of the thoughts and heartbeats of their people.

“Mantis?”

She turned again, only to find herself looking up into Ego’s face. “Mama is making me tea before I sleep,” she said before he could ask. “My stomach hurts.”

“Worried about Peter, huh?” Ego sat in Meredith’s place, clapping her on the shoulder. “Well, you heard me back there. I made it very clear to your mother that letting him go off wasn’t a good idea, but unfortunately, she’s about as stubborn as I am. We all are. So let’s just hope Yondu makes good on his word because I’m certainly going to have a few for him if they come back.”

“If?” Mantis repeated.

Ego’s face softened. “I meant ‘when’,” he said quietly.

“And what about everything else that is out there? Those bad men who took that girl’s sister?” she asked.

“That’s what I'm trying to protect you from. All of you,” he insisted. “Because they aren’t men. They’re animals, trying to keep people like your mother from getting their planet back, from taking back what’s theirs. And I’ll be honest, I don’t like that Peter decided to be friends with one of them. Not one bit.”

“But she is a child, like him and me,” Mantis said defensively. “She needs friends, too. Maybe she does not have any.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me,” Ego said, chuckling derisively. “They may inhabit a planet of humans, but there is no humanity left in them.” He got to his feet as if to leave, only to stop when he saw Meredith approach them both, holding two steeping hot mugs of tea. “Meredith.”

“Ego,” she replied. “I thought you went to bed.”

“It’s hard to, when our son is out there, possibly dying or dead. I’ll be surprised if any of us get any sleep tonight.” His voice was low, dark; he didn’t wait to hear Meredith’s response, turning and sweeping up the stairs to their shared bedroom without a backwards glance. She stared after him for a moment, then carefully rearranged her expression into something that resembled a smile and rejoined Mantis by the window.

“Sorry, baby,” she murmured after they’d taken their first few sips. “I keep tellin’ myself not to fight with your daddy in front of you, but we both got tempers we ain’t proud of.”

“I am used to it,” Mantis shrugged.

Meredith shook her head adamantly. “No, Mantis, don’t get used to it. It’s not healthy, for us or for you and Peter.”

“I am trying to listen for him, but it is so hard.” Mantis pressed her palm against the glass once more. “I can only hear our people. They think about him.”

“Don’t let those powers of yours take over your life, baby,” Meredith urged, reaching to gently pry Mantis away from the window and pull her against her chest, Mantis’s head resting over Meredith’s heart. “What you need is to drink your tea, go to bed, and when you wake up, Peter will be home. I swear it.”

“Can you stay with me?”

Meredith’s heart simultaneously broke and swelled at the same time, pulsating so sharply she was sure Mantis heard it. “Of course, baby. Always.”

It was pitch-black by the time they reached Boudalankru territory, but Peter was still wide awake, perhaps a little too wide awake. He’d spent the last half hour of their trip trying to formulate a plan for how to find and rescue Gamora, and was promptly shut down by Nebula every single time.

“Leave it to me, Petr kom Skaikru,” she insisted, twirling one of the many blades she had on her utility belt, something that reminded him too much of Gamora. “Stay here and don’t get in my way.”

“Finally, something we can agree on,” Yondu commented as he brought the ship down to land.

Peter followed Yondu and Nebula off the ship despite their protests, looking around in awe at their surroundings. Boudalankru was more modern than its name implied; Yondu and Peter had expected old-fashioned stone huts and gravel paths, but instead were met with a micro-city juxtaposed against the impossibly tall trees that masked the horizon. Modern buildings made of limestone and glass were lined up in a too-straight line along the paved concrete roads, small passenger ships were parked neatly beside them. Metal signs were embedded with what looked like Kree language, and seemingly brand-new lampposts flickered overhead as they continued walking down the barren streets. The most jarring thing of all was just that - there was not a single person to be found.

“Are we in a horror movie or somethin’?” Peter whispered uneasily. “I don’t hear or see nobody.”

Yondu let out a low whistle, prompting his yaka arrow to shoot out of its pouch and hover by his temples. He gestured for both of them to get behind him, but Nebula ignored him in favor of walking up to the nearest building and pressing her face against the glass, peering inside for any sort of indication that they hadn’t just stumbled across a ghost town. Peter hesitated, then ducked into Yondu’s side, though he kept one hand extended, letting it glow faintly to lead the way while they continued on, the street lights getting dimmer the further they went.

The minutes dragged on forever, Peter’s heart beating so rapidly he thought it would collapse, until they finally heard something - suddenly a lot of something, the sounds of victorious shouts in alarming numbers. Yondu sprinted in the direction of the noise, the children following closely at his heel, and found themselves in proximity to what appeared to be an outdoor in-ground arena, the kind with endless rows of seats and blinding floodlights, filled to the brim with every last member of Boudalankru. The three of them quickly made their way to the edge, pushing their way to the front of the crowd, and looked down, astonished at what they saw.

In the middle of the whole spectacle was Gamora, blood streaked across her face, her torso, her everywhere (Peter was starting to become more accustomed to seeing her with blood than without, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing), thrusting her short blade above her head in the clear universal sign of victory. Lying at her feet was a boy who looked no more than sixteen, panting and heaving and wounded by more than just his pride. Around them, the crowd stomped their feet, clapped their hands, chanted: he-da, he-da, he-da…

“Yo laik ai kru,” Gamora shouted, her voice amplified by the device that was wrapped tight around her neck. “Ai laik yu heda!” Everyone roared back with vigor. Nebula recoiled.

“What the…” Peter turned to look at Nebula, speechless. “What’s goin’ on?”

“She called for a Conclave,” Nebula murmured. “And she won. As she always does.”

“She don’t look like she needs our help,” Yondu said, sounding half-impressed, half-terrified. “But alrigh’, let’s go get ‘er.”

They continued to shove their way through the throng of people, though Peter and Nebula soon found themselves constantly getting knocked aside due to their obvious height disadvantage, clinging onto the tails of Yondu’s coat before they could lose sight of him. Eventually, Peter’s impatience got the best of him, and he simultaneously let out a frustrated shout and a blast of light, startling everyone within a fifty-foot radius. They managed to sprint the rest of the way down to the arena ring without trouble after that.

“Sister!” Nebula shouted. She didn’t wait for Peter and Yondu, instead vaulting herself over the electric fence perimeter like it was nothing. Gamora’s eyes lit up with a different sort of elation upon hearing Nebula’s voice, and she ran to embrace her, much to Nebula’s chagrin.

“Nebula!” Gamora burrowed her face in Nebula’s neck. “It’s so good to see you, sister.”

“Do not - ” Nebula wrestled out of Gamora’s grip and shoved her back; she was now covered in blood, too. “You’ve been gone for two days, and suddenly you rule Boudalankru?”

“Something Father has never done before,” Gamora said gleefully, her face shining. “Do you think he will be proud?”

“Is that why you did this? Is that why you hurt their champion?” Nebula looked over Gamora’s shoulder to the boy, still crumpled on the ground, now being tended to by his people’s doctors. He blinked blearily up at them in a daze, though one of his eyes was swollen shut.

Gamora faltered, the light in her eyes starting to dim. “It was either a Conclave or my death, Nebula. I chose to survive.”

“Of course,” Nebula said hollowly. She nodded behind her. “Your lukot is here.”

“My - oh.” Gamora finally seemed to notice Peter standing there with his mouth hanging open, now that he could see her up close, see the story of her battle written out on her clothes, her skin, her face. “Petr...what are you doing here?”

“Nebula found me and told me you were gone, and I wanted to help.” He stepped forward, shooting her a strained, but hopeful smile. “I feel real bad about all that stuff we said to each other. Your people are just as important as mine, and maybe...maybe if your dad and my dad talked, all of this could just...stop. I don’t wanna fight anymore. Me and you, and my people and your people.”

“You don’t know our father,” Gamora sighed, though she looked relieved to see him regardless. “He does not want peace. He will not talk. He didn’t even look for me.”

“That’s not true,” Nebula interjected. “Father sent nearly his whole army looking out for his beloved heda.” Gamora narrowed her eyes at Nebula’s tone, though she decided not to comment on it. Instead, she glanced up at Yondu, who was stood firmly over Peter, staring down at her in mild perplexion.

“Who are you?” she demanded.

“Captain Yondu Udonta of New Arkadia, and Quill’s chaperone,” Yondu replied gruffly. “And you are the scariest little thing I’ve ever seen.”

Her entire expression shifted into something far more childlike, and Yondu found himself regretting his choice of words. “I do not want to be scary,” Gamora said, hastily trying to wipe the blood off her face; it only rubbed it in further. “I just wanted to survive.”

“Well, you did just that.” Yondu tried not to look at the Boudalankru boy, tried not to listen to the way he cried out when the doctors lifted him onto a stretcher, cursing heda to the heavens. “Let’s go ‘fore these boo-doll folk get any ideas about looking into me n’ Quill.”

“Boudalankru,” all three children said in unison. Yondu threw his hands up in defeat and motioned for them to follow.

Getting back to the ship was easy enough despite Yondu’s apprehension, with the crowd parting like the sea for Gamora, letting her and the others pass through. When he asked her about it, about the Conclave and the little things she and Peter had said about her father, she had a strange, far-away look in her eyes and merely said, “You still don’t know much about life around here.”

“An’ I’m guessing you won’t tell me,” Yondu had replied, getting an affirmative nod in return.

The walk back would’ve been silent if not for Peter’s incessant chatter, pestering both girls with questions until Gamora silenced him with a single glare. Once they were on board, though, she quietly took a seat beside him, gratefully accepting the medical kit when he set it down on her lap. He wordlessly began to help her dress the wounds she couldn’t quite reach while Yondu and Nebula sat at the controls, getting them back in the air.

“Thank you,” she murmured, craning her neck to watch as he placed the last bandage over the puncture wound in the small of her back. “And...I feel bad about what I said, too. I’m sorry. I’m not good with...words, I suppose.”

“You talk way more like a grownup than I do,” Peter countered.

“I mean like...how I say things, not what I’m saying,” Gamora explained carefully. Her face fell again, remembering what Yondu had said to her. “Do I scare you?”

“I guess...a little bit,” he admitted. “I don’t wanna lie to you anymore, so...yeah, a little bit. But that don’t change the fact that you’re my friend, and I want you to be my friend. Not just ‘cos you’re teaching me Trig and stuff, but ‘cos I like hanging out with you.”

“Ai lukot,” she said, smiling tentatively. “My friend.”

Peter smiled back, taking her less-bandaged hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Ai lukot,” he repeated.

“Father is calling for us.”

Gamora shot to her feet, instantly letting go of Peter’s hand. “What?”

Nebula held up her communicator, her mouth set in an even harder line than usual. “Maw heard of the Boudalankru Conclave and sent spies to find you, and now he knows you’re not alone. Father wants to meet with us...all of us.”

“Oh, you gotta be kiddin’ me,” Yondu groaned. “This is already the longest damn night of my life, can’t I jus’ drop you two off and take Quill home?”

“If you don’t do what Father wants, he will kill all of your people, just like that.” Gamora snapped her fingers. Peter shivered.

“Is he gonna hurt us?” he asked, dreading the answer.

“If he is in the mood,” Nebula replied bluntly, scratching at the now-dried blood on the front of her jacket. Peter wasn’t proud of the whimper that escaped his throat.

An hour later, Gamora stirred, not realizing she had even fallen asleep in the first place, startled to find she had dozed off on Peter’s shoulder. All four of them had been restless the whole way, a tense silence filling the entire cabin, none of them daring to speak about what was ahead or what was already behind them. Even Peter had been too anxious to ask, because as much as he wanted to pester Gamora with a hundred questions about Thanos, he had the feeling that no answer would ease his worries.

They touched down outside of Sanctuary; the first thing Peter was thrown by was the sheer size of the ship, far outweighing the Ark, stretching far above the fences that were meant to contain it. The front gates were also similar to New Arkadia’s settlement, with watchtower guards waving them in, though their armor only reminded Peter of the night he and Gamora met and the young, dying soldier who looked a little bit too much like Kraglin. “Monin hou, heda!” one of them called.

“‘Welcome back, Commander’,” Gamora murmured in Peter’s ear. He watched in astonishment as every last person they passed bowed their head in her direction, muttering words of respect under their breaths.

“You’re the commander?” Peter asked, agape. “What about - ”

“He is wanheda, the commander of death. I am heda, to be wanheda someday.” She bit her lip so hard she drew blood. “Only some factions listen to Father and his generals. Boudalankru was one of our biggest enemies.”

“And now what, they like you or somethin’? I still dunno what happened back there,” he admitted.

Gamora smiled ruefully. “Neither do I.”

They were accompanied by two guardsmen through a winding series of hallways, though Gamora and Nebula seemed to know exactly where they were going. Peter could see Gamora was itching to reach for Nebula and take her hand, but Nebula had flattened her palms against her thighs in a very militant-like posture, her footsteps even heavier than Yondu’s. He took a moment to look around, amazed and horrified at how different Sanctuary looked from Boudalankru. It was far less friendly-looking than the original Ark, with wide corridors and tall ceilings, all dark and hollow and intimidatingly massive.

Finally, they reached a huge set of double doors; stationed in front were two alien beings who seemed impossibly tall, wielding weapons that stood higher than the top of Peter’s head. Unlike the other Grounders, neither bowed upon their approach. “Corvus, Proxima,” Gamora said tightly. “Is your army back?”

Proxima’s lip curled into a sneer. “We’ve called off the search for our precious heda, yes. And Father has heard of your victory in Boudalankru.”

“I had no choice.” Gamora glanced down at her hands, fiddling with the gauze wrapped around her left thumb, causing its exposed end to fray. “Their champion still lives.”

“Then it is not much of a victory after all,” Corvus drawled, keeping his head straight forward, refusing to look at her. He and Proxima stepped aside, allowing the guardsmen to open the doors, a rush of ice-cold air hitting all four of them in the face before they entered the throne room.

Like seemingly everywhere else in Sanctuary, it was dark and damp and unfriendly, devoid of anything that could make it feel remotely welcoming. There was a single long platform that led to the center of the room, where two thrones sat side-by-side. One was significantly shorter and unoccupied, and it made Gamora shudder when she saw it. She only ever sat in it once per year, on her birthday, a time when wanheda liked to remind everyone who his successor was and what she was capable of. The other throne was concealed in the shadows, but there was no doubt as to who was sat upon it.

Yondu and Peter stared dumbfoundedly at the impossibly large man as he got to his feet, turning so his back was to them, casting a darkness down the length of the platform and across their faces. “I’ve been told of your call for a Conclave, Gamora. Bold of you, considering they are only meant for the most dire of situations, for a threat to your title.” His voice rumbled, bouncing off every surface, shaking everyone’s ankles and knees from the vibrations in the floor.

“They were going to kill me to weaken you,” Gamora said evenly, bowing her head out of respect despite him not looking her way.

“And your first Conclave was to be when you turned fourteen,” he continued, ignoring her. “You could have died tonight, little one.”

“But I did not.” She tilted her face back up, held her chin higher; Nebula’s entire upper body seemed to slouch in contrast. Peter and Yondu still weren’t sure what to do with themselves, glancing around helplessly, but neither sister made any attempt to guide them.

“No, you did not.” There was a hint of a smile on Thanos’s face as he finally turned around, the full effect of his vastness overwhelming Peter, who took a few steps back, heart pounding rapidly in his ears. Though he wore simple armor, it was his face that caught them by surprise; the violently purple eyes narrowing in their direction, the mottled constellation of battle scars covering every inch of his skin, the sneer of a man who had looked upon gods and found himself wholly unimpressed. “This is the boy you’ve been meeting in secret? Petr kom Skaikru?”

“Yes,” Gamora murmured. “Ai lukot.”

“How did you meet my daughter, Petr?” Thanos demanded. “And how did you come by her in Boudalankru today?”

“I - uh - um.” Peter cleared his throat, fiddling with his thumbs in a failed attempt to stop his hands from shaking. Thanos looked bored already. “My camp was attacked by your army. I ran away so they would chase me, and that’s when I met - ”

“Why would they chase you?” Thanos interrupted. Maw and Cull, who were stood at the foot of his throne, turned to look at Peter, to really look at him, Maw’s gaze flickering up and down with clear distaste in his otherwise soulless eyes. Thanos gestured to the guards stationed by the doors, and they opened them for Proxima and Corvus to step inside, both of them lifting their weapons so they were pointed directly at Peter’s back. It sent a short, but clear message - impress me or die.

Peter inhaled sharply, then held out his hands, forming a glowing orb of light no larger than a piece of fruit. Then it grew bigger, big enough that it dwarfed his own head, obscuring his face from everyone else, causing Proxima and Corvus to stumble back, blindsided. He then pulled one hand away from the other, splitting the orb in two. The one in his right hand morphed into a light dagger, the other into something he had never been able to do before - a flower, fresh and vibrant and the exact same shade of red as Gamora’s hair. He turned toward her, holding them both out for her to take. Astonished, she wordlessly accepted them both, her heart thumping in concern when she noticed the wetness in his eyes from his concentrated effort.

He looked back to Thanos. His voice shook when he spoke again. “Once I stopped running, I was real lost. That’s when I met Gamora. I asked her to help me find my way back.”

Thanos sank into his throne, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands. “And today?”

“Nebula came to New Arkadia to find me ‘cos Gamora was missing. I took her to where I saw her last, an’ then we went to Boudalankru together. The Conclave was over by the time we got there.” Thanos nodded slowly, his brow raising in surprise at Peter’s somewhat-correct Trigedasleng pronunciation. He then waved for the Black Order generals to leave the room so only he, his daughters, Peter, and Yondu remained.

“You have strength, Petr kom Skaikru, and abilities I have never seen before in my countless years of crossing the galaxy,” Thanos commented. “You are no mere human, are you?”

Yondu, who had been mostly petrified (not that he would ever admit to it) throughout the entire encounter, finally moved silently to warn Peter, to stop him before he gave it away, but - “I’m half-Celestial.”

“You are the son of the man who is calling for the death of my people?”

“And you’re the one callin’ for the death of ours,” Peter retorted suddenly, clenching his glowing fists. Gamora let out a startled noise, barely noticing the way Nebula clutched at her arm automatically to brace herself for his retaliation.

Thanos merely chuckled, albeit in a very sinister way, and leaned back. “I like this one, daughter. He is too naive to know what to fear and too vulnerable to know how not to trust. Yet, he holds the powers of the universe in his hands.”

She stepped forward. “Father, I - ”

“You want this war to end, don’t you, Petr?” Thanos asked, silencing Gamora with a single raise of his hand. “You want to grow up in a world where you know nothing but full bellies and clear skies.”

“Don’t everyone?” Peter slowly unfurled his fingers, though they still remained alight. “Then no one’s gotta die for no reason.”

“And if there was a reason?” Thanos cocked his head to one side, seemingly staring right through him. “What then?”

“I - ” Peter faltered. “I guess...well, people die ‘cos of reasons, right? Like, when they get sick or hurt or just...old. That don’t mean it has to happen. It just does. And war makes it happen faster. Makes it happen to kids like me. Even if we don’t die, our parents do. My mom is a medic, and she has to tell families all the time that people didn’t make it. I don’t want no one to have to tell her that I didn’t make it, or someone to tell me that she didn’t. I want my mom to see me grow up. And...I think you wanna see your daughters grow up, too. You sent a whole army lookin’ for Gamora ‘cos you wanna see her become your heda. There won’t be no heda or Chancellor or nothing if everyone is dead.”

Thanos hummed, contemplating; Gamora and Nebula sucked in their breaths. “When you return to your father tonight, you tell him I will make peace with your people under these terms: we cease all fighting immediately, and neither of us are to pick up a weapon again for six months. Consider it a show of good faith. Then we meet in Polis to discuss the future of this planet and what is to become of those who live on it.”

Gamora made no attempt to hide her astonishment, glancing rapidly back and forth between Nebula and Peter with wide eyes. Even Yondu looked stunned despite being largely unfamiliar with what was happening, realizing the gravity of Thanos’s offer, the levity of its generosity. “I will,” Peter said, the light dimming entirely from his hands. “Um, thank you.”

“You thank me too early,” Thanos drawled, smirking. “My last condition is that you will not speak to my daughter until we convene in Polis. I can only imagine what sort of insights and intelligence she has shared with you in your time together. I will not let it happen again. The potential resumption of your companionship will be determined in my discussions with your father.”

“Wanheda, I never said anything - ”

“You keep interrupting me, little one, but I assure you, I will speak with you another time. Know your place,” he growled. “Now leave, and do not let me see or hear of you until then.” Peter shot Gamora one last pleading look before he and Yondu were promptly ushered out of the room by Corvus and Proxima, caught one last glimpse of her before they were taken back to their ship and told to never return. “Gamora, leave us.”

“I...thought you wanted to speak with me,” she said quietly.

“I did not mean now,” Thanos said, instead directing his attention toward Nebula. “I have words for this one first.”

Gamora’s legs felt heavy as she made the walk back toward the doors, trying desperately to shut out the continuing conversation behind her. “I have returned your heda, Father, something the gonakru could not do - ”

“You do not speak ill of those under my command, Nebula. In fact, you should not speak at all.”

Gamora was numb by the time Maw escorted her back to her quarters, thanks to what seemed like a never-ending night, barely listening to his non-stop chatter about “that funny-looking Skaikru child” or her “bushhada of a sister”. She felt like she only just managed to make her way through the motions as she bathed, finding it impossible to get all the blood out of everything, changed into her sleepclothes, and approached her bed. How she wished she had the chance to finish her conversation with Peter, all the conversations they’d been having since they met, about how her world worked, what it meant to be heda, what his agreement with Thanos really meant.

Instead, she knelt on the floor to pull out the box from beneath her mattress, setting it down and opening it to reveal all of Peter’s little misshapen gifts, still in their imperfect perfect condition. She put both the dagger and flower inside, surprised to find the latter hadn’t wilted in the hour that had passed since its creation, wondering if it was Peter’s doing. Smiling faintly, she put the box back in its place and turned off the light. As she climbed into bed and under her sheets, she had a feeling she wasn’t going to be sleeping tonight. Not when she could hear Nebula’s screams clear across Sanctuary.

a/n: Hey all, it's been a minute - sorry this chapter is so incredibly late, my semester had been going terribly and I barely had time to do much of anything outside of school. When I did have time for fic writing, I indulged in a little Scott/Hope (here and here if you're interested) since it was a lot lighter and less plot-heavy than this fic, but I promise I haven't abandoned this!

I know there's a lot of world-building going on right now but the next chapter will be more about character relationships - there hasn't been a ton of focus on Drax, and Rocket and Groot haven't even shown up yet, so that will get rectified soon. Also, I hope y'all enjoy Endgame when you get a chance to see it! I'll be going on vacation two days after it comes out so I'll be late to the post-movie fic party, but I'm very likely going to be posting at least three (I'm thinking Peter/Gamora, Scott/Hope, and Carol/Valkyrie, because yes) one-shots. In the meantime, thank you so much for reading, likes and reblogs would be much appreciated, and I hope you enjoyed :)

Trigedasleng translations: plangona - warrior woman / shilkru - guard / goufa - child Koken hainofi...tsa bants. - Crazy princess...let's go. / Heda, nou hainofi. Bushhadas. - Commander, not princess. Cowards. Ai ste lufa Petr kom Skaikru au. Ai laik Nebula kom Trikru, strisis kom Gamora. - I am looking for Peter of the Sky People. I am Nebula of the Forest Clan, little sister of Gamora. / Ai laik Petr kom Skaikru. Weron laik Gamora? - I am Peter of the Sky People. Where is Gamora? Chek ai au, bushhadas! Ai laik yu heda! - Look at me, cowards! I am your commander! / Yo laik ai kru, ai laik yu heda! - You are my people, I am your commander!

#starmora #starmora fic #peter x gamora #gamora x peter #gotg fic #myfic #myfic: across the universe #marvel #hello this is still happening!! sorry i'm so dang late #school has been wild and scott/hope has been comparatively light-hearted and easy to write

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squidproquoclarice · 6 years ago

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Would Arthur have tried so hard to redeem himself if he didn't know death death right around the corner?

Good question. I do think the way things were going, with Dutch’s increasingly erratic behavior and the escalating violence, he was coming to a crossroads at some point. We see he’s already deeply troubled at the start of the game with his life and the things he’s done, and things just continue to get worse throughout. He’s called upon to kill more people, ignore more innocent people caught up in the increasingly chaotic mayhem, do more bad things, and so that was inevitably going to weight upon him even more. Things have changed in recent years, and in 1899, they’re changing in a huge way. I doubt he can recognize the “anti-establishment outlaws with a heart of gold” dynamic that was there ten years ago. At some point, he’s got to be asking exactly how much they’re different from the O’Driscolls or Murfrees anymore.It’s incorrect to say TB was an automatic death sentence, by the by. But in the pre-antibiotic era, you had to do effectively what I’m depicting in Sunrise to try to treat it. Almost complete bed rest for a while, slowly reintegrating everyday tasks, then getting back into heavier labor. Very few people had the ability to effectively interrupt their daily lives, jobs, etc. for six months to several years for that to happen, depending how bad their TB was when they sought treatment and how they recovered. They also needed family, or institutional care, to look after them, particularly in the intensely bedridden early months. They needed either a charity organization, or enough wealth accumulated, so that their being unable to work wasn’t an issue. That, plus the isolation aspect, is part of why TB sanatoria came about. Because prior to that, if you were a poor, blue-collar worker like most TB cases were thanks to crowded living conditions associated with poverty, you honestly were more or less doomed.And even for those who sought treatment, the long term survival rate was only about 50%. If you made it to one year, there was cause for cautious optimism. If you survived five years, you could start to hope you might live a more or less normal lifespan again. So TB wasn’t guaranteed fatal per se, but for most people, who didn’t have access to the strict requirements of what it took to recover, death was almost assured. For Arthur, who at that time had no ability to hope for a situation of intense rest and being cared for, he very reasonably expects he’ll die.So the TB was a huge moral and psychological shove. It made him really examine his life, his choices, and want to put some things in order since he knew the chances of survival in his situation were virtually non-existent. I think it also gave him license to be the man he wanted, to be so selfless and kind in a way he’d longed to be, because he could tell himself, and others, I’m a dying man, I have no use for worrying about myself anymore, so I might as well help other people. Whereas if the TB wasn’t a factor, he probably would have been left defending those changes in himself, and trying harder to make them happen.He may say the TB has been its own kind of blessing because the world looks better and brighter to him now, and things make more sense. I think that’s because he’s finally let himself be free to believe in people, to be kind to them, to experience some of the life he wanted to live. I think things were coming to a head regardless and he would have had to choose, and his growing doubts and fears about Dutch probably would have guided him to make the right choice and walk away. But the TB gave him a kind of freedom, an escape from the cycle of guilt and anxiety that’s consumed him for most of his life. It let him make those choices more easily, and with a lot more confidence, grace, and serenity about them.

#arthur morgan #rdr2 #thank you for coming to my red talk #Anonymous

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anarkhebringer · 6 years ago

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Cody X Hibana (TF2 OC fic)

This is smut and will contain things some of you might not be too fond of (first and foremost is sounding, so if that makes you get all shivery and disturbed, I wouldn’t read this if I were you). Plus it’s VERY long, so story length is also something to note.

“You sure, Hibana? I won’t force you if you aren’t fully willing to..”

“I’m sure, Cody.” Hibana sat next to Cody on the bed and gently put his forehead against Cody’s. “I’m ready to do this. It’s about time I stopped making you wait.”

The two smiled and pressed their lips together. Neither were really used to such a gentle and loving kiss anymore, only the messy and rough that may or may not have come about during the occasional one night stand, and both planned on making this last. They couldn’t help but lose themselves in this feeling. Both had been missing it for too long.

“Hey..” Cody said quietly after they separated for some much needed air, as they had forgotten all about breathing, “feel free to do whatever you want with me except cum in the front without a condom, ‘kay?”

Hibana couldn’t help but blush at how blunt Cody was. He felt he should be used to it by now, but Cody still managed to fluster him due to no one else having as little of a filter as Cody did (Hibana couldn’t really bring himself to judge Cody though, the poor guy didn’t have full control of his mouth often with a lot of things when it came to communication). And he honestly wasn’t expecting Cody to be willing to bottom right away, ether.

“Actually, I wanted you to..” Hibana started, but stopped due to some hesitation. He brought himself to finish the statement shortly after. “I wanted you to top. If that’s okay with you..”

Not only was Hibana desiring that experience again, as he hadn’t had it often at all, but he wanted to show Cody that he truly trusted him. He felt this was one of the best ways to do that. The surprise was evident on Cody’s face for a moment, but he quickly replaced it with a gentle smile.

“Yeah, of course that’s okay. I just said that in case you wanted to top. I’ll gladly fuck you senseless though if that’s what you want.”

Hibana let himself chuckle softly and he nodded. Cody wasn’t going to argue with that. He kissed Hibana again, but didn’t waste time trying to get their tongues into the mix this time. Their hands shyly wandered, testing boundaries more than anything. Hibana moved up to feel at Cody’s chest, and smiled into the kiss when he heard the ever so slight gasp Cody made.

Cody broke the kiss again to focus on the button up shirt Hibana wore. Hibana couldn’t resist the nervous look he had on his face, but he still nodded anyway to give Cody permission to do what he pleased. Cody took his time unbuttoning the garment, and pulled it open slowly once he was done. He looked over the scar riddled torso in front of him with full admiration. He thought Hibana was absolutely gorgeous.

“Wow.. That’s a lot more than I thought you’d have. Looks absolutely beautiful..” Cody muttered softly as he felt everywhere he could access.

Hibana blushed again, a bit deeper than the first time. He didn’t expect such a positive response to being covered in as many scars as he was. Usually his partners gave him looks of discomfort, shock, or even pity. He couldn’t stand it when he saw the pity. But Cody was different. He didn’t see all those markings and scars from Hibana’s past and his pains as something to pity, or something gross or abnormal. He just saw them as another part of Hibana and didn’t see them in anything but a positive light, and it definitely showed by the dreamy look on his face.

Not even Red was like that.. Whether she realized it or not, a lot of the time she had an ever so slight hint of that damned pity in her eyes...

“I.. well.. thank you. I can safely assume you already know I’m not used to that kind of response.”

Coddy nodded and looked up at Hibana for a moment, then went to tease at a nipple. Cody licked and nibbled as he experimented to find what way he wanted to go about it, and had to resist letting a wide grin spread across his face when he heard Hibana’s breathing hitch a bit.

‘Alright, Hibana’s got a sensitive chest like me. Noted.’

Cody thought to himself as he continued, but added a hand to the mix to give the other nipple some attention. He kept many mental notes on certain reactions he got out of Hibana with certain things he did, and swore to himself that he was going to put it all to good use in the future.

“N-ngh...”

Cody had taken a risk and made a more forceful move as he bit down a bit instead of just soft nibbles. He was already inwardly beaming from the noise Hibana made from it. Since Cody now knew that Hibana preferred the rougher side of these things, he wasn’t going to stay bashful and let this information go to waste. His hands moved downwards to rest between Hibana’s legs, lazily massaging along the fully hard length that twitched needily between them.

“Dammit Cody, quit teasing already, you’ve taken long enough..”

“Alright alright,” Cody let up and looked at Hibana again, noting the pink that brushed his cheeks, “I’ll stop here. But that ass and cock have yet to get enough treatment to satisfy my tastes.”

Hibana looked away shyly for a moment, but looked back at Cody and nodded again. He allowed Cody to move him to lay on his back, and let Cody remove his shirt and boxers, leaving him completely bare. He looked Cody up and down when Cody only eyed him hungrily for a bit, and made no obvious signs that he too would be stripping. Hibana wouldn’t admit it, but he really enjoyed seeing Cody in only his bra, panties, and tight thigh high stockings, as it wasn’t something he got to see before now, but it still didn’t seem too fair that only he got to keep his clothes on did it?

“You’d better strip soon too, Cody.” Hibana shot him a grin. “It’s not fair that I’m the only one naked here.”

“You’ll get your treat soon enough, dear. Just let me have a bit more fun.”

Cody’s hands went straight to Hibana’s cock again, both being used to stroke and tease even more. No one ever really did this the way Cody was doing it, but it wasn’t anywhere near bad. If anything Hibana enjoyed it more than all the other ways even the most skilled of hands had touched him.

“How much are you willing to try right away, Hibana?” Cody asked softly, slowing his movements to just a slow and steady motion.

Hibana gave him a suspicious look.

“Depends. What are you wanting to try?”

“Eehhhh..” Cody looked to the side and raised his shoulders a bit. “I wanted to uh.. use a sexually driven ability of mine to um.. sound you. I wanna try sounding.”

Hibana’s eyes widened a bit in surprise.

“Sounding? You’re into that? But more importantly, ‘sexually driven ability’?”

“Yeah to both,” Cody casually shrugged, “I have abilities that could be considered ones of a sex demon. I’ve got all kinds of tricks up my sleeve with them. Everything from pleasure inducing, to sensitivity enchancing or reducing, and even orgasm denial. If you can think of it, I more than likely can do it. I also tried the sounding thing I offered on myself lots of times, and it isn’t uncomfortable in the slightest like it usually is with other kinds of ways to do it.”

Hibana raised his eyebrows at what Cody said. Learning of these abilities piqued his interest to say the least. And the fact that Cody actually found such a thing enjoyable interested Hibana even further. Cody had bad enough sensory overloads that he could possibly begin to twitch violently with just a light touch on a certain spot on his spine, and even certain topics spoken about involving the lower regions could manage to make Cody squirm from a reaction, so the fact that Cody didn’t get uncomfortable from such a thing at all eased any worries Hibana may have had.

“Knowing how bad your sensory reactions are to the slightest bit of contact on certain parts of your body, if it isn’t uncomfortable for you, I already know it won’t be for me. Let’s try it.”

Cody grinned wide and lifted a hand. A red aura began to glow around it, then a few string-like objects came from the tips of three of his fingers. Hibana eyed them curiously as they inched closer to his cock. They twisted together a bit at the end before they gently made their way into him. He gasped at the sensation. It wasn’t uncomfortable, Cody was right about that, though it was really odd considering he’d never tried such a thing before. The strings slowly moved in and out, and Hibana bit his lip as his eyes fluttered closed.

“How does it feel?” Cody asked with pure curiosity in his tone.

“It’s.. good. I like it. A lot.” Hibana was already having to try not to struggle for air. Each movment seemed to be more and more pleasurable each time. “A-are you enhancing the pleasure I’m feeling from this? It’s getting more intense e-each time they move..”

Cody shook his head with a more mischievous grin on his face now. Hibana was far more sensitive than Cody thought he would be with this and he was loving it. Cody situated himself to be able to drag his tongue along the underside of Hibana’s cock, all the way from the base to the tip, eliciting a groan from the man beneath him. The strings continued their movements even as Cody used the hand they were coming from to stroke Hibana again. The aura itself seemed to have it’s own stimulating affect on Hibana, and he didn’t hold back another groan. In all honesty it felt like a vibrator on a speed just strong enough to bring some good stimulation, but slow enough as to not get too close to orgasm anytime soon from it, also with a heat setting included, if Hibana had to pinpoint an exact similarity to that feeling. Cody got brave again and made the strings begin a circular motion at the tips while deepseated in Hibana, and he tried but failed to hold back the shaky whine that came out of his mouth.

“F-fuck, Cody..”

The aura around Cody’s hand glowed a bit brighter for a moment, and an intense shock of pleasure shot through Hibana’s body. He called out, his legs trembling as he tried his hardest to hold out as long as he could. He didn’t know if he would be cumming too fast if he just let go or if it would drive Cody away. He looked down and noticed a subtle hint of frustration in Cody’s eyes, though only for a split second, before the aura glowed even brighter to send a far more strong blast of sensation through Hibana’s body. He saw stars the moment it hit him and he came. Hard. The strings dissolved and faded as he did, and Cody gladly stroked him quicker to milk out as much as he could. Hibana took a bit to catch his breath, and grinned weakly when Cody gently licked at whatever spots had been dirtied to clean him up.

“Took you long enough.” Cody said, in an oddly sweet and soft tone considering what he said.

It suddenly clicked with Hibana. Cody actually wanted him to cum fast, hence the extreme levels of stimulation boosting he did. He felt a little dumb thinking it was Cody testing him.

“Oh.. You actually wanted me to... I thought it would’ve been too fast if I just let go so I didn’t..”

Cody gave him an even more half lidded and uninterested look than the one he usually had in his face by default.

“Hibana, we were doing that act alone for almost 45 minutes.”

Well, Hibana felt even more dumb now. Cody could tell he did by the look on his face, but shook his head with another gentle smile to dismiss it. He kissed Hibana again quickly before using his other (and somehow clean) hand to cup his face gently. They looked into each other’s eyes for a while, Hibana’s blind eye slowly regaining a black pupil before gently glowing the rainbow it usually did when he felt intense positive emotions. Both of Cody’s eyes glowed the same way.

“Do you wanna call it a day with this? Or do you want me to get your stamina and such back up to top shape and we can keep going?” Cody asked.

Hibana forgot that Cody could heal and had regenerative power until that moment, and it got him curious as to what more they could do and how long they could keep at it.

“..I’m game still. Gimme a boost and let’s keep at it.”

Cody nodded excitedly and placed both of his hands on Hibana’s chest to give him a quick fix. Hibana couldn’t help but think it was extremely out of place that the aura Cody had for all of his power but this one was a shade of red except for the darkness based ones, but the booster for stamina and such was a medium shade of blue with white in the center. It made him think of a certain someone, but he was actually able to shove that thought down right away this time. He felt as good as new in a few seconds, but both stayed where they were as they looked into each other’s eyes again. They smiled at each other again before going back to the matter at hand. They had things to do.

“Well, say the word and I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” Hibana whispered seductively.

“Alright then. Let’s resituate. On your hands and knees if you would.”

Hibana couldn’t help but feel a little appreciative of Cody continuing to be polite to some degree through this. It wasn’t really normal considering how much they had done already in Hibana’s opinion, but it was still a respectable gesture on Cody’s part. He was trying his best, that’s what mattered. Hibana complied and situated, grabbing a few pillows to place under him to allow him to put his backside higher in the air more comfortably. Cody licked his lips as he moved in again. He leaned to reach over to the nearby nightstand and open the top drawer of it. He pulled a decently sized bottle of lube out and set it near Hibana. He had turned his head to watch Cody, and gave a look of confusion when Cody reached back in to dig around. His eyes fogged up with lust when he saw the various toys Cody had begun to pull out. It was a pretty big nightstand, so he wouldn’t be surprised if Cody had a lot of things stashed in that drawer. Plus Cody had a weird skill of stuffing and stashing things in smaller spaces without messing anything up that you wouldn’t think could be stuffed or stashed without being broken somehow.

“You’re bring all that into the mix too? How many kinds of toys and stuff like that do you have?”

“I’ve got so much stuff dude.” Cody replied. “I’ve got shit you probably don’t even know exists. I mostly just have varieties of extreme vibration toys and/or double dildos that are really fucking huge for when I wanna get both places in the mix. I’ve got automatic dildos, I’ve got fetish toys of pretty much every kind except for the weird age stuff, because fuck that shit. I’ve got uh... Yeah. Lots’a shit. I’m just bringing this stuff out just in case. I dunno if I’ll even use half of this stuff in the end.”

Hibana laughed a bit and shook his head. Cody was odd in the most adorable ways sometimes.

Cody closed the drawer once he was satisfied with what he had gotten out, and grabbed the lube, cringing a bit at how loudly the sound of the lid popping up echoed through the room. He mumbled about it in slight annoyance, more to himself than Hibana, and Hibana let out an amused huff through his nose. Cody froze as he went to turn the bottle to get some onto his hand and let out an exasperated sigh.

“WAIT. How the fuck did I forget to take my clothes off?! What the hell man?! My focus can’t be THAT bad...”

Hibana cracked up at that. It wasn’t often that Hibana laughed in any way, so the fact that Cody managed to get him to laugh so hard made him a little less humiliated about this. Plus he found Hibana’s laugh both hilarious and adorable. Cody set the bottle to the side and moved to situate in front of Hibana’s face so he didn’t have to move his head to any uncomfortable angles to see what Cody was doing. Hibana’s laughter slowed to a stop quickly as he grew excited to finally see Cody. His eyes were glued to Cody’s hands as they situated at the wistband of his panties. He had an evident erection, which seemed pretty impressive just based on how small the panties were on Cody. He slowly pulled the garment down, his cock popping up almost comically as the cloth brushed past it. Hibana gulped audibly at just how big Cody really was. He wasn’t even at full attention yet, and he was already so big...

“I can’t tell if you’re nervous or hungry for me.” Cody said plainly.

“U-uh...Yes. Just, yes. I’m nervous as fuck and also wanting that thing in me right now. I’ve never seen such a massive cock on such a scrawny person. How the fuck is it so big..? Did you do anything to make it grow more?”

“Nope.” Cody said, puffing out his chest with pride, “it’s fucking huge all on its own. Sometimes I hate it so fucking much because it gets in the way of the feminine hygiene I have to keep to as well. Plus it’s hard to pick panty sizes because it can go from just a single size bigger than I actually wear to three or four depending on what kind I want.”

Hibana nodded in understanding. He sat up, and just gave Cody a grin when a confused look was given to him. He let himself wrap a hand around it and give it a few good strokes, and Cody returned his grin.

“I get it now. Do what you want, Hibana. I won’t stop you unless it’s something I don’t like.”

Hibana used both hands to tease and feel around at the length in his grip. He wasn’t used to seeing such a size outside of his “private materials” and never thought he’d see, let alone be able to touch, one like this in real life. It made it even more of a unique experience considering Cody wasn’t circumcised, and it was obvious he took his hygiene very seriously just by the look and feel of his skin. Hibana didn’t really think this area of skin could possibly be as soft as Cody’s was.

“What the hell do you use to make your skin so soft and where can I get some?”

Cody giggled and shrugged.

“No clue why it’s so soft. Maybe you’d wanna, I dunno, feel with something else?” Cody wiggled his eyebrows.

Hibana rolled his eyes and smirked at how cheesy Cody’s offer was, but obliged anyway. He lightly pushed on Cody’s chest, and he sat himself down to make himself comfortable. Hibana layed on his stomach and went to work, running his tongue along the shaft before opening his mouth wide to get Cody’s cock inside. He didn’t need to open as wide as he did considering Cody wasn’t fully hard yet, but both were glad he did when Cody came to full attention when Hibana got himself at a slow pace. His brow furrowed a bit when Cody grabbed his head to move him a bit faster. He had no gag reflex luckily, so he wasn’t getting bothered from how deep Cody thrust into his mouth. If anything it was getting him riled up again.

“Shit, Hibana, That mouth of yours feels different from all the others somehow... I like it...” Cody spoke with no obvious signs of strain, and it filled Hibana with frustration.

Cody grinned evilly at what little bit of a pout could be made on Hibana’s part. He knew exactly why Hibana was trying to make such a face. He just continued to move his hips and grin down at Hibana, who shot an agitated glare at him in return now. After a bit Cody got tired of making Hibana feel bad and pushed Hibana off of and away from his cock, leaving a trail of saliva and precum behind.

“You were doing amazing, Hibana.” Cody said to him softly to try and cheer him up. “It takes a LOT of stimulation all at once to get my voice to falter. My voice is one of the worst things to go by when trying to judge how good I feel. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

Hibana looked away for a moment, but nodded anyway. Cody pulled him down to give him a deep kiss, which seemed to bring Hibana’s attention and mood back to the matter at hand. Hibana allowed Cody to situate him again to return him to the spot he was laying at before. Cody unclasped his bra and tossed it to some random part of the room, then grabbed the bottle of lube again. He was pretty sure he may have put too much on his fingers, but then again, knowing his size and how Hibana had reacted the way he did earlier that’s probably a good thing. Cody gently circled around Hibana’s sphincter muscle, and both were surprised at how easily he relaxed to let Cody get a finger inside.

Cody took his time preparing HIbana for what was to come. He may have wanted to just hold Hibana down and fuck him into the mattress, but that would hurt the both of them far more than they would ever want, so Cody just tried to let his mind wander a little bit to lower his impatience. It worked pretty well. He just thought about all that had happened, snapping back to reality whenever he heard any noises come from Hibana from the movements he was doing with all four fingers in him by now.

“That should be good I hope.”

The shaky sigh of relief Hibana let out seemed extremely loud in the room, and Cody had to stifle a giggle. Cody went to lubricating his cock now. He’d gotten to where certain feelings of tightness around his fingers when he prepared his partner could help him judge just how much lube he needed, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. He didn’t really take his time with himself as he got himself lubed up. He was getting impatient again. He got himself positioned, and both Hibana took a deep breath to keep himself relaxed.

“Keep those deep breaths coming, and try and stay focused on them until I’m all the way inside if it begins to hurt.” Cody instructed quietly, rubbing Hibana’s back softly to try and keep him in the relaxed state he was in.

Hibana nodded, and began to take more deep breaths. His breathing immediately hitched when Cody began to make his way inside, but he tried as hard as he could to get it back to normal. He felt unbelievably full already, and Cody was barely even inside..

Hibana couldn’t help that he was already feeling good from this. He liked to be pushed to his limits, and the feeling of near painful stretching got him off in it’s own way. Cody could feel Hibana tightening around him, and fought to keep his focus on just getting inside all the way. Cody took yet another risk and pushed himself the rest of the way in instead of easing in. He got a lewd shout in response, which eased his worries from how Hibana’s body jerked from it.

“How’re you holding up, Hibana..?” Cody’s breathing was heavy as his control slowly dissolved. The very moment Hibana said he was okay Cody wasn’t going to stop himself from moving anymore.

“..F-full...Move...”

Cody happily obliged. His overestimate of lube for preparing Hibana and his cock came in handy more than he thought it would. Moving at a decent pace wasn’t hard at all, and Hibana was showing no signs of any negative response. The small whimpers Hibana made with every press of their hips drove Cody to want to pick up the pace, until another idea popped up in his mind. His grin returned with a new sadism added to the mix as he raised his left hand. Hibana tried to look back as best as he could when he felt Cody let go with that hand, but his head shot back down as he screamed into the pillow under his head when Cody sent pleasure shocks through him again. He was trembling and weak already.

“There’s more coming, Hibana~ We can’t have you cumming just yet either...”

The string like objects came back out from the tips of Cody’s fingers, but gently wrapped around Hibana’s cock this time.

“N-no, Cody, no no nononono- AGH!” Hibana’s nervous begging was cut off short when Cody hit him with another shock.

Cody gripped Hibana’s hair in his hand to yank his head up, moving to hold onto Hibana’s throat loosely to keep him there. Hibana’s jaw clenched and his eyes squeezed shut, tears threatening to fall from the intensity of the continuous shocks Cody kept sending through him. He let out a choked sob when Cody picked up the pace with his hips, a few tears had made their way down his face along with the drool from Hibana’s mouth hanging open. This was more than he ever imagined he could feel, and it was both terrifying and amazing. He wanted this to stop, but at the same time he wanted even more. He was completely overwhelmed from it all. He could no longer form coherent words, only unrestrained wails and sobs. He could barely breath, and he was trying whatever he could bring himself to think of to keep from panting too fast and hyperventilating. The sensation was overwhelming, the heat was overwhelming, the emotions swirling around in his head were overwhelming...

“MMMOOORE!” Hibana managed to force out.

Cody slammed into him, moaning out right along with Hibana now. Cody knew he was close, but used the orgasm denial abilities on himself to to make this last. Hibana wanted, needed to cum. He was full, uncomfortable, and even in pain by now. But at the same time, he didn’t really want to cum that badly, just in case this would all end too soon if he did.

“C-C-Cooddyy... C-cu-...”

“A-alright, I understand..” Cody panted out.

He cut off the strings on both of their cocks, and Hibana arched as far as he could against Cody as he came with the loudest scream he had let out the whole time, a bit higher pitched than Cody was expecting. It drove him to the edge himself, and he growled as he rode his orgasm out. Hibana couldn’t keep his tongue in his mouth anymore, it was just too intense, and he wanted to go until they both couldn’t even move anymore. He moved against Cody, trying to get him to move again.

“You aren’t done?” Cody asked in disbelief, “How are- ohhh. That ahegao...”

Cody cast a stamina boost on himself to give him the boost he needed, then once again began his thrusting into Hibana as deep as he could get. Hibana let out a noise of ecstasy and moved with Cody the best he could considering how weak he was getting. He didn’t want it to ever end. He never thought this level of pleasure was even possible, and was no longer afraid to lose himself in it completely. He was deadweight when Cody lifted him to change their position to lay him on his side to face each other as Cody moved. Cody let the animalistic urges take over him again as he noticed just how into this Hibana was. He wrapped a hand around Hibana’s cock to stroke in time with their thrusts, and he grinned as best as he could considering his tongue still hanging out fully. His eyes were almost completely rolled back, his mind completely blank aside from the thoughts of how good he felt. He felt his orgasm build, and the noises he made got higher in volume and pitch again.

“Cum with me, Hibana...!” Cody groaned out.

Hibana managed to regain his focus long enough to nod frantically. It didn’t take long this time to get them both over the edge again. They froze, the entirety of their bodies shaking violently from their orgasm. They collapsed the moment they both had finished, unable to move aside from the random spasms of their bodies they did that they couldn’t really control. They were too tired to move, but also too tired to really fall asleep, so they could only lay where they were for a few hours.

Hibana’s eyes opened slowly, taking in his surroundings. He sat up, wondering how he wasn’t in agonizing pain, and why he was clean, until he considered Cody possibly giving him a quick heal to keep him from having any soreness and taking him to the bathroom to clean him off. He looked at the clock on the nightstand with shock, it read 11:35 A.M.

Suddenly all the events of the previous afternoon had come flooding back into his mind, and he felt his face get hot from how deep his blush of embarassment was. He covered his face as he tried to shake the thoughts from his head. He couldn’t believe all those noises he willingly made during that...

He eventually woke up enough to get out of bed and change into a fresh set of clothes aside from the pajamas Cody had put on him. He was hoping he wouldn’t see Cody right away, but despite his hopes, Cody was the first thing he saw when he got to the living room. Cody wore a lacy dress that made Hibana think of the kind ball joint dolls had on a lot, and got embarrassed all over again as he thought of how pretty he thought Cody looked in it. Cody looked up at him from his sketchbook he was drawing in and shot Hibana a knowing smile.

“Morning, dear. Hopefully I managed to give you a fix in a way that kept you from being sore in any way.”

Hibana only nodded, trying not to meet Cody’s eyes. Cody asked him what was wrong, and he could only stutter as he tried to speak. He finally just gave up and let out a shaky sigh. He walked over to sit down next to Cody, keeping his eyes on the ground. He knew Cody could see how red he was, but it made him feel better not looking at Cody.

“Jeez, did I fuck with you that much? You don’t...regret it do you?”

“N-no...I-I don’t...” Hibana managed to say.

Cody took Hibana’s face in his hands to turn his head. Hibana thought Cody was going to drill him about opinions, not that Cody would give him a soft kiss and a hug once he broke it.

“...I love you, Hibana.”

“U-uh-uh-uuhh-!! I-I-I-...” Hibana could only stutter again. He wasn’t expecting this kind of straightforwardness from Cody in the slightest.

He took a few deep breaths to try and calm himself down, and took a moment before trying to speak again.

“I..I-I love you..too, Cody.”

He let himself return Cody’s hug, and a smile spread across his face.

I feel like this got worse and worse as I kept wirting it... I’m bad at writing smut, so that only adds to my doubts about this. This is for @scarredtactician, and I deeply apologize for how bad it is...

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 scout oc #tf2 soldier oc #tf2 ocs #TF2 Scout OC X Commander #fanfiction #tf2 fanfiction

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alexroertgen-blog · 6 years ago

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My First Dance with Ayahuasca- “Vine of the soul”- Trials & Tribulations

“Make the heart a chalice that holds the mind.” – Maestro Hamilton Souther

Hi, my name is Alex. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and have always held myself to the highest standard, but in reality my tough athletic exterior is a façade masking all of my insecurities, imperfections, deficiencies and deep flaws. I struggled with confidence and social anxiety all throughout my life up until my mid 20’s. I’ve always been a people pleaser, worrying about what other people thought about me, and doing my best to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. On the outside everything might look great, but on the inside I’ve been battling my own demons for years. This is why I chose to spend a week in the Amazon Rainforest of Peru working with Ayahuasca, and it ended up being probably one of the most enlightening, jaw-dropping, intense, and loving experiences that I’ve ever had. I learned so many valuable lessons that I’ve decided that I want to share my adventure with everyone. If you are curious about how profound my experience was and the lessons learned than continue reading. It is a little bit of a read, but I hope you enjoy!

Recently, I had the honor to participate in a life-changing, ancient shamanic healing tradition that has existed, been practiced and passed down through tribal lineages and blood lines by the indigenous people of the Amazon Rainforest and other ancient wisdom traditions across the planet for thousands of years. Words can’t describe the week I had and the incredible people from all around the world that I was privileged to share the experience with. Led by 7th Generation Master Shaman, and one of the most powerful healers in Peru, Maestro Don Alberto Torres Davila, and Hamilton Souther, also Master Shaman and founder of Blue Morpho Tours, it was an incredible environment for deep cleansing, inner awakening, and a deep, transformative journey with the sacred Amazonian plant medicine ayahuasca. In order for change to happen, you need to facilitate an environment where insight can occur. Insight into how did we get here? You have to be able to look deep into your heart. The Blue Morpho Medicine World was that perfect sanctuary. They hold a sacred and safe place for you to go deep and discover and heal yourself. By looking inside, we begin to awaken.

In what follows, I am going to do my best to put an ineffable experience, and the lessons learned into words. So why am I deciding to share all of this? Because Ayahuasca was probably one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. Would I go back and do it again? ABSOLUTELY!!! I’ll probably be back sometime next year. I still hear “the calling.” There is still so much truth to be discovered. Still so much to learn, and so much more work to be done. It was a truly magical experience, and Peru will always hold a special place in my heart. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my experience and plotting my return. It has shown me aspects of my higher self, and how to relate to others and the world with compassion, love and forgiveness. I don’t know a single person who can’t benefit from this medicine. Thirty years of therapy in one night. These plant medicines provide a lens which you can view the world and other phenomena in a way that you’ve perhaps never looked at it before. It allows you to gain insights into how something works that normally wouldn’t come into the sphere of your attention. Who doesn’t stand to benefit from that?

We are born into these structures and we never think to question who put those structures in place. Who funded them? Whose philosophies are they? All of our information is given to us by someone or something else. We are programmed, trained and conditioned to look outside of ourselves, to external authorities, for everything and we are not even encouraged to go within and consult ourselves. Our society is phobic of the mind and terrified of the unconscious. These medicines teach you to go within yourself. They expand your consciousness. I believe that the medicine of the future is a growth in consciousness. Your higher consciousness empowers you to claim and be the architect of your life and destiny for the betterment of yourself and humanity. All of the answers to life’s biggest questions are not outside of us, they are deep within. Usually, deep introspection and meditative work is needed to access these depths. However, after having experienced it, I can truly say that respectful and experienced administration of plant medicines and ceremonies can be tools on the journey of self-awakening.

Life is a gift, and it offers us the opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more. Become the best possible version of yourself and give back because there is nothing more fulfilling, and no greater feeling than knowing that your words or actions helped influence another’s life for the better. You never know who your words and stories might touch. So many people can relate to my struggles because we are humans and we all have a story. Our natural human state is joyful, harmonious, and peaceful. However, for most people, deeply unconscious and long-suppressed fears, anger, and negative emotions drive our lives. True emotional healing always happens at the source and requires us to face our shadow and surrender to the healing process. This means entering the darkness willingly, in a state of naked vulnerability, in order to integrate then release its hold. I truly believe that Ayahuasca has the healing power to help anyone. She will open your heart, break down your walls and open your eyes to parts of yourself and life beyond the norm. She will change you in ways you never expected. These plants have the power to connect us to those parts of ourselves we have forgotten, ignored, or covered up. True healing puts into order the body, mind and spirit with the past, present, and the future. If we can each heal individually than we will see a dramatic change in society. We’re not in this alone. I really believe one of the best things we can do for our society is to realize we are all in this together.

How at ease we feel in our body, mind, and in the world, as well as how we behave toward others and the environment all revolve around how we view ourselves in the larger scheme of things. One of the most important lessons I learned was to not be afraid to be so vulnerable, embrace who I am and becoming, and to not take myself and life so seriously. This is me. It’s who I am, and other people’s judgement has no business with the things that feed my soul and make me, me. The world we live in, inundates us with far too many opinions about how we should be, look, and feel. This is part of what makes authentic self- expression so difficult. I’ve always been afraid to be myself and far too concerned with everyone else’s opinion. I’ve been doing my best to fit in and be friends with everyone for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be liked, and that left me worrying about who I needed to be for different people. I’ve let go of all that, and only seek relationships that add to my life. I choose to live authentically! Rather than trying to be all things to all people, I offer my most precious gift...the unapologetic Me! I’ve realized that what I need to be, and have always needed to be, is completely comfortable with who I am. It was one of the lessons I needed to learn and that I’ll need to continually work on. A courageous heart is one that is unafraid to open to the world.

I also know that by sharing this, I am leaving no option, but to make myself totally vulnerable and I’ll be forced to learn to not let other people’s opinions affect or hold influence over me. Vulnerability is the gateway to authenticity, and without being vulnerable we can’t truly be ourselves. Once we remove our masks and start talking about some of our demons they begin to lose power over us. No longer do I feel I need someone or depend on another person for my worth. I am part of a community of people that fully love and support me.

I also want to hold myself accountable. If I hope to facilitate change, than I need to be that source of change. Who we are and what we do are influenced by the stories that we tell about ourselves. While we can’t always change the stories that others have about us, we can influence the stories we tell about ourselves. Everyone deserves to live the best possible life they can. If your story has been holding you back, flip the script. Rewrite the narrative for a brighter future. Use your story to empower yourself and create the life you deserve. Use your story to give others hope, which in turn reinforces your desire to live a life you love. After all, what could be greater than helping others? In the end, your story is one worth telling, and you should never forget that!

It is important to learn to forgive our own lapses. How often are you quick to forgive someone else's mistake, or even truly bad behavior, while continuing to beat yourself up for a mistake that you made? Building walls, it is easy to become trapped behind your own emotional defenses, leaving yourself feeling isolated and alone.

“If you condemn yourself for who you were, and you carry that forward, you carry yourself forward in a prison.”- Paul Selig

Learning to love ourselves is one of the toughest lessons we will ever face. We all have flaws, imperfections, embarrassing stories, and past mistakes we wish we could forget. We are insecure, and desperately wish we could change certain things. That's human nature. But the trick is to realize that everyone feels this way. No matter how beautiful, successful, or perfect someone might appear, he or she has their own insecurities and self-doubt. To really learn to love ourselves, we need to own and embrace our past mistakes, but also realize that they don't define our present or our future. Acknowledge yourself as a whole human being with flaws, imperfections and all. Apologize to anyone you feel you have significantly wronged, and then move on. The only worthy thing is love. It is the greatest gift in life. The most sacred bond we can have with other people. If we can remember to love, if we can remember to be openhearted people, we can engage in everything in our lives in a higher much more joyful way.

So where do I begin? The whole experience in Peru was so incredible, transformative, and magical. It was the craziest adventure of my life. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. Literally nobody knew. I let go of what I knew and journeyed into the unfamiliar. It was such an incredible feeling. I felt so free, brave, and adventurous. To go somewhere by myself, in a country where I don’t know anyone or anything about and not tell anyone, left me feeling so adventurous and so alive. But, intuitively, I just felt like I was coming home. Thrill and excitement never stopped pulsating through my veins. Why would I keep it secret? It wasn’t because I felt like I had to, it was because something inside of me told me I needed to do this alone. I knew that one day I would share my experience. When I got back, I realized that would be sooner than later. Beforehand, I didn’t know what to think, but afterwards I didn’t care. I knew what I did was the right decision. Life is a continually evolving adventure, and I’m just along for the ride.

As far as the Ayahuasca ceremonies, I had five totally different experiences. Seven nights, five ceremonies, five totally different experiences. The first night was pretty mild, but it taught me a valuable lesson I’ve struggled to learn throughout my life. I’ve always chased the high. Always had the pedal to the metal. When the Ayahuasca didn’t hit me hard that first night, I was a little disappointed. I wanted results. I wanted immediate insights. I wanted answers, fast. But, I soon came to realize that it was helping me to develop a healthy relationship with the medicine, and it was teaching me to appreciate the moment and ease into the experience. I believe that night set the tone for the ones to follow, because every night after that I felt like I had developed a healthy, respectful relationship with the brew and we understood each other.

The second night was probably one of the happiest nights of my life. I felt like I was in the movie avatar. Had some crazy beautiful visuals and visited all of these different dimensions and far off lands full of magnificent creatures. When my eyes were closed I was in a fantasy land, however, when I opened my eyes I was surrounded by layers and layers of different dimensions. Time also seemed to slow to a still. I could see movements as a delay, or lag. People moving around the room were followed by their trails. It was like watching Neo move in the Matrix in slow motion. I’ve chased adventure and travel my entire life. I’ve visited 75% of the United States and I’ve been to three other continents. I’m constantly plotting my next adventure. I’ve seen truly magnificent places around the world, but nothing could ever top what I saw and the feeling it gave me on that second night. That night I also had these little entities working on me, like little surgeons aligning my energies and trying to fix anything that was wrong in my body. The visual experience was very strange, but the effect was remarkably healing and I couldn’t have been more grateful for it. I remember waking up the following day feeling better than I have in years. In fact, I woke up every day after feeling like a champion.

The third night was insane. Quite possibly the most profound night of my life. I was flying through space, catapulted into a realm of pure love energy, exploring multitude dimensions of immense, profound beauty. I had separated the ego mind and merged with pure consciousness. I lost my sense of self, and entered what felt formless. Not a void, but pure quantum potentiality, a permanence of continuum. It was a state of pure knowing, without any of the projections of the ego. The same stuff that the mystics talk of. The Divine Light. Source Energy. The Holy Spirit. Buddha Nature. It was a state of complete ego dissolution and non-duality. The fundamental clear knowing and true seeing that there is no “I” or “mine” that the Buddha taught. I was one with everything. I saw Buddha, Jesus, and all of these mythical figures and they welcomed me and told me that I was one of them now. That night I experienced “enlightenment.” My brain was a quantum computer processing information at light speed. It was unfathomable the volume of information my mind was downloading. It had a level of consciousness that seemed almost impossible to comprehend. My mind actually felt like it was the entire universe. I wasn’t in the universe, I was the universe. Completely plugged into everything else. I had this feeling that I was one with everything, and that I wasn’t just in the mind of god, but I was a part of god. Everything just kept merging into one. I was so full of love and so open. I saw that the universe has no end and no beginning, and nothing truly dies. Once the medicine lifts the veil of the illusions of separation, mortality, duality and space-time, we see reality and ourselves as what we truly are – the one energy that is manifesting itself in an infinite number of ways. It is all real! I saw that we are consciousness having a human experience and we are all one!

Whether what I saw and experienced was real, or whether it was just in my imagination, there was this clear headed, intuitive, innate knowing that it was real, true and objective. Nothing but pure absolute conviction that I was experiencing the truth. It was as real and objective as me sitting here writing this. Regardless of whether or not a certain situation or experience is real in the three dimensions that we go about in our waking lives or whether it is in the dream world or whether you perceive it as a hallucination, the experience in and of itself is still real. The objective realities of the three dimensions are still illusory and imagined by our senses. We see 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum as visible light. That’s only 1% of the spectrum that we know. There can be infinite spectrums that we don’t know about. The way a bat perceives our world as opposed to how we perceive our world is radically different. As humans we are such a small part of this universe. We are a filter of information but we can only filter so much, so we aren’t privy to all of these different realms on a conscious level on a minute to minute basis.

We've all heard of the placebo effect. You get a sugar pill instead of the real medicine and it works solely because you believe it would. Your mind heals you because you trust the medicine. So if what I saw was real or just in my head, does it matter if my mind believes it real and is just creating that reality? If your mind believes in something strongly, it will do wonders to bring it to fruition. Today it seems that nearly everyone believes, and the latest science points toward the fact, that the way we think has an effect on our life, and that our thinking creates our reality. Neuroscience says your brain is organized to reflect everything you know in your life and is a record of your environment. So we think everything equal to what we know and keep creating more of the same. To truly change we need to think greater than our environment.

The fourth and fifth nights in ceremony were more about purging my body of unwanted toxins and negative energies. Ayahuasca cleansed a tremendous amount of dense energies that have accumulated in my system as well as brought up many fragmented aspects of my past that have been buried in my subconscious. Walking out of ceremony into the night sky on the last night was utterly amazing. The Milky Way was in full display and the sky was incredible. Bright stars littered the sky from horizon to horizon. It was mesmerizing. Never seen anything like it. I didn’t feel like I was looking out into the universe. I felt like I was standing there right in the middle of the universe.

I didn’t have any bad experiences. It was truly amazing and I met tons of cool people from around the world. I have friends in Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Vancouver, Ukraine and London now. On the first day we were all strangers, but by the last day we were family. We spent time being vulnerable with each other, shared delicious meals, and faced the deepest darkest parts of ourselves together. I was surrounded by such interesting, intelligent and compassionate people that made this whole experience so magical. I feel closer to my Blue Morpho family now than I have to nearly every other person in my life. These were warriors, people who had traveled half way across the world to a foreign country, embarking on a journey into the unknown, to face their fears and deepest wounds all so that they could become better versions of themselves. They were some of the bravest people I’ve ever met. Every single one of them was prepared for what lies ahead, because deep healing can be challenging. We were meant to be with this particular group of people, and we all came together to share such an incredible experience for a reason.

The experience was so mind altering. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt happier. It really did transform me to the core. I feel lighter, brighter, more vital, more compassionate, and so full of love and happiness, and more in touch with myself and the world around me. Ayahuasca tore down my emotional barriers and opened my heart, my mind, and my eyes. I felt plugged into something bigger than myself. She broke open the doors to higher consciousness.

“Ayahuasca is a holistic, existential, experiential medicine, shamanic brew and well-known natural entheogen that facilitates deep cleansing, and states of inner-awakening. It rids the body of physical impurities, heals deep-seated emotional and psychological issues by cleansing your subconscious mind, the body and the energetic system of negative energies, helps bring integration to deep-seated emotional problems, and guides us towards releasing limiting and fear-filled beliefs.”

“Whether you are looking for personal healing and cleansing, discovering an overall greater sense of purpose, presence and peace in your life, or for rejuvenation and perspective, spiritual growth, insight or meaning in life, profound change, or to expand your consciousness, or are on a path of self-discovery and awakening in search of direction, plant medicines can help facilitate your journey. Each person becomes their own guru receiving revelations from within themselves and higher transpersonal sources.”

Ayahuasca supports you in facing your darkest shadows, your most repressed traumas, and your most serious wounds. What if you could return to your childhood and relive your darkest experiences with your current strength and maturity? What if you could reconnect with your essence, the part of yourself you covered up in order to survive as a child because it was not approved of, validated, or loved by others. Following a path of inner work triggers the old trauma, loosens it, and brings it to the light to be released. We offer up all of what no longer serves us to be burned up. By bringing more consciousness to the emotional process we can actually gain new choices over our feelings and behavior. We can free our hearts and minds from the chains of past conditioning, and can actually learn how to cultivate the more satisfying states of mind. Until the underlying wound is healed, until the casual emotions are faced and integrated, the part of you which experienced trauma and found a way to cope with it continues to run the same program over and over, endlessly. They stay with us for life unless we delve deep to find their cause – a negative residual energy that manifested as an emotional blockage. A gaping hole remains, and you try to fill it with whatever is at hand while life feels like a prison. Since what you resist persists, at some point you must find the courage to dig deep. If not now, when? Ayahuasca allows you to unlock those implicit memories, like a key, and allows you to go back and reprocess them logically without emotion. The bravest people are the ones who have the courage to be able to face their demons, and the constant barrage and assaults of their own minds. They say that you never come to play with Ayahuasca, it’s always work. That’s because it’s not easy, it’s a challenging undertaking.

Ayahuasca allows access to dimensions that are usually inaccessible to the heavily conditioned human mind. There are no words to describe it. It's an expansion of heart, mind, and spirit. The usual frames of references holding our common daily understandings of reality in place become obliterated with an opening perceptibility to activity, phenomena, and information in frequency ranges outside of the five senses. It dissolves the illusory self and significantly increases your awareness of your own self-constructed boundaries, and guides you to release fear-filled and self-limiting beliefs. Things come up that people realize are in there but have not been able to confront or really bring to the forefront. They’ve relatively successfully suppressed it but it’s still wielding a negative influence in their life. There is a purification and bringing forward that of what has been suppressed in the subconscious. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life. This process initiates a long term healing journey that supports your overall liberation from the hypnosis of your condition. It shines a light into your shadow, and helps you to become aware of negative patterns. Unconscious deep emotional wounds and aspects of our mind that hinder us from living our lives to the fullest are integrated while new insights and perspectives about the self, world and universe are introduced all within the individual’s consciousness. You then need to become intimate with your fears, embrace your darkest shadows, and consciously guide yourself back to wholeness. The results are usually profound healing and significant life transformation

Miracles with ayahuasca come in all shapes and sizes; they can be insights, revelations, eradication of fears and addictions, relationship shifts, relocations, career changes and altered life courses. The common theme? If you do the work, you will get to release that which no longer serves you, tap into your power of choice, and write your own destiny.

This is why I felt a calling, and followed my heart, to go to Peru to work with Shamans. Ayahuasca has an uncanny ability to know when the time is right, and when the person is ready to sit with the medicine, she will call for them, and this is exactly what I experienced. I’ve known about it for probably over 5 years, and I’ve always been intrigued by it, but it wasn’t until about 3 months ago when I felt this undeniable calling too it. It needs to be an internal personal decision. I initially felt drawn to it because of claims from people who had kicked lifelong addictions seemingly overnight. For me, this calling was, in large part, because I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. Things that I was passion about and used to leave me feeling so happy were leaving me feeling unsatisfied. I could feel myself closing off to life, and I hated it. So, I knew it was right and I went there completely calm and without conviction. There was definitely a magical element about doing it at its place of origin, in the middle of the Amazon, under a Milky Way sky, while listening to the sounds of the rainforest. We were also allowed to participate in the harvest and brewing of the Ayahuasca that we drank. This gave us the opportunity to put our intentions into the brew and that added a very special element.

Key to preparation is a conscious formation of an intention, something you want to fix or insight you seek to gain. Ayahuasca will show you what you need to see or to let go of. These were my intentions:

1. Transform my life and start living for something bigger

2. Confront my conditioning. Break down all walls and barriers and be free from all limiting beliefs, negative thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve me.

3. Deep personal healing & forgiveness of myself for all of my mistakes and the people I’ve wronged. Heal my life, identity and traumas.

4. Gain insight into my life. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What can I do to live a more fulfilling life? What can I do to flourish?

5. Open my heart and feel love to all of life. Stop living so closed off. Reclaim the parts of me that have been cut off and abandoned. Restore the vitality, creativity, imagination, playfulness, and connection to my inner child.

My whole life I’ve been a very deep, self-aware, introspective, reflective individual. Constantly contemplating the universe and my existence. I’ve always been fascinated by the complexity of life and the immensity of the universe. Curious about what some of the brightest theoretical scientists & evolutionary biologists of the world thought on the universe and life, I delved into a period of my life where I read every book I could on evolution, the history of our planet, the universe, quantum physics, string theory, black holes, and the theory of everything. I learned about quarks, bosons, neutrinos, god particles, string theory, and multiverses. I wanted to understand the Big Picture. That question has always intrigued me. Why am I here? Why are humans here? What is my part in this? What is the meaning of all this? Little did I know that in Peru, I would get a glimpse of all of this. In addition to contemplating the universe outside, I started reading a lot into Buddhist psychology because I knew there was a way into the universe by going within. Scientists investigate life by looking outside of themselves, while Buddhist meditators look inward. In either direction reality displays roughly the same qualities. Scientists and meditators give similar accounts of everything from brain functions to subatomic realities. As inside, so outside. The big difference is that by seeing these truths inside ourselves, the information becomes personal.

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."

This quote by John Lennon has always resonated with me. It’s the reoccurring theme of my life. We only get one crack at this, and I’ve always promised myself that I would never settle for anything but the best in life. Too often I see people working a 9-5, and every day is the same old boring routine, just going through the same routine motions, just living for the weekend. I promised myself I would never be that person. Success without fulfillment would be the ultimate failure. Life isn’t meant to be repetitive, boring and monotonous. There would be life, love and adventure in everything I do. Being optimally well is not just the mere absence of illness, it’s about thriving and continually striving to live a life that is full, meaningful, zestful and exuberant.

The biggest reasons why I wanted to go to Peru was because of the baggage I’ve been holding onto due to the ignorance and delusion that plagued my early/mid-20s, but also so that I could gain some insight, possibly find some answers to life’s biggest questions, and start living a more fulfilling, meaningful and purposeful existence.

In my early 20s I went through a period of mild depression. I had just graduated college with a bachelor’s degree in civil engineering; a degree I wasn’t sure I ever really wanted. I felt so lost. I wanted to live a life full of purpose, and meaning. I wanted to help people, and find a way I could contribute to society, and know that one day when I leave this planet I will have left it for the better. This couldn’t be it. I’ve always known that the secret to living is giving. The world doesn’t need any more building engineers. On top of that, I was unhappy living in NY. I felt trapped, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt myself slipping into that life and person I promised I would never be, so naturally I turned to alcohol as a clutch. I always knew and had profound sense that there was more to life. I think it’s safe to say that I failed myself in this period of life. The failure hurt, but it was a wonderful teacher. The most difficult experiences tend to be the most valuable experiences. That’s where the opportunity to learn really opens up

I feel like I’ve been holding onto a lot of guilt over these years of destructive behavior and abusing alcohol. I know that I was young and immature, and had been acting out of delusion & ignorance, but even so I’ve nonstop been mentally punishing myself for years. I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. I was back in the prison of my mind, but I could see that the door was locked from the inside this whole time. In my late teens and early 20s, I was always shy and just wanted to be like everyone else and feel accepted. Feeling like an outsider, I internalized this as though something was wrong with me and so whenever I’d go into social situations there was always this story in the back of my mind that I’m not good looking enough, I’m not funny enough, or I’m not social enough. Alcohol gave me a way out. It gave me that liquid courage! I had found a new sense of confidence and could talk to anyone! It was a false personality, a mask worn to cover and protect my true inner self from a world that is callous and hurtful. But I realize now, that I’ve never wanted to be like those people and the person I was. I hated the person I was becoming. I compromised myself and my values to gain approval and validation. The core problem for me was a lack in self-acceptance, self-love, and self-worth. As small children, we are open and free, sharing all of ourselves with others. As we grow and mature, however, we learn that the world can be a very painful place, so we avoid or try to minimize the risk of being hurt again. Out of fear of rejection or abandonment we learn to protect ourselves. We build walls around our hearts, and even worse, we begin to believe and internalize negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves. As we search for answers to life's hurts, we often begin to believe that we were responsible for them. The best way to minimize the potential damage is not to build walls. To combat the fear of vulnerability, we must first learn to love and accept our whole, authentic self.

All I’ve ever really wanted was to accept my true self. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem, and genuine confidence is not the absence of fear, it is the transformed relationship with fear. What is there ever to fear? Life is in a constant state of flux. Every moment is impermanent and changing. The only thing promised is that we will all one day leave this body. It’s unavoidable, so why not do the things that scare you? What do you have to lose?

Even though I don’t drink often anymore, I’ve still been punishing myself and I feel like I’ve had thoughts of unworthiness and had become closed off to a lot of life. Adventure, travel, and things that used to bring me joy were just leaving me feeling unsatisfied. In relationships, I’d pull back because I felt like I didn’t deserve this. I know I have such a good heart and I wanted to open it to feel compassion, love and forgiveness for myself so that I could love life again. Some people would just brush it off, and say “don’t worry about it, that’s how kids your age are supposed to act.” But it’s never been that easy. I did a lot of dumb things, ruined relationships and friendships, and I’ve been holding onto a lot of these mistakes since my early 20s. Not only was I abusing alcohol, but I was lying and hiding it from the people I loved and cared about. I put my family through too much, left my mom constantly worrying about me, and I mistreated and hurt too many people along the way. I’ve been craving my own forgiveness for years. It is only by facing, taking ownership, and reclaiming those unintegrated parts of the self that have manifested as fear, and negative patterns that we may get to the root cause of our suffering and truly heal.

I was able to see all of that in ceremony. It has been my own self-defeating behaviors, and limiting self-beliefs that have kept me trapped. You can search the whole universe and not find any being more worthy of your love & happiness than yourself! It unearthed traumas that were deeply buried in the subconscious of my mind. It was a lot of unflattering stuff. Ways that I’ve hurt people and been dishonest in my life, mistakes I’ve made, ways that I haven’t lived up to my potential and failed myself or failed others. I saw the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself & others, betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger and confusion, and the sorrow I’ve carried from this. Ayahuasca allows you to see and perceive things you can’t ordinarily, in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily, and it also allows you to see things from other perspectives, through the eyes of other people. It will also often show you what it’s like speaking and interacting with you from the other side. It allows you to relive the experience, but from a somewhat detached third person perspective. Almost as an observer, observing yourself in a life situation and seeing the past in a way that you’ve never seen it before. I was able to see the impact that I’ve had on others, and that impact wasn’t always positive. It allowed me to see that from another person’s point of view. I suddenly realized the pain my negligence was causing others.

I was able to go all the way back in time and see when it all started, where it all went wrong and why. I was able to activate repressed memories in ways that allowed me to come to a new understanding of my past. I was able to reconnect with parts of myself that I have felt shame or guilt around. I replayed my life slowly and meticulously and was able to go through different periods and explore the instinctual qualities of myself and see how those behaviors became conditioned in my brain. I saw the mechanics of how my personal story got created, and when and how I developed an abusive, unhealthy relationship with alcohol and why it continued to perpetuate. Allowing difficult feelings and emotions to surface, accepting them, integrating them and then releasing them was an indispensable part of the healing process. By bringing it to my awareness and seeing it and understanding how it all happened, I was able to come to terms with it, forgive myself, and to let it all go. I was able to see all of the people I’ve hurt, and to ask them for their forgiveness. Most importantly, I was finally able to see how deluded & ignorant I’ve been and to forgive myself. I’m alive. I survived all of it.

“The day the child realizes all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; The day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; And the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” –Alden Nowlan

I applied loving kindness to the younger Alex, the older versions of Alex who had these behaviors that I had grown to hate and resent, and actually thank them for the role they played. Ayahuasca showed me both the ways I’ve closed off from myself, and that I no longer need to because the love is still there, it’s always been there. I realize now that all of my “problems” were a gift. Without problems we would not grow. All of my past failures and frustrations have laid the foundation for the understandings that will create a new, higher level of living I intend to enjoy.

“The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination...until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” -Iyanla Van Zant

I honestly feel lighter since I’ve been back and my heart feels open again and I finally feel free from my past mistakes. I am learning to love myself and feel a sense of worth for simply being a human. Ayahuasca really did open me up and I’ve felt so full of love & happiness, and I’ve been calm, more relaxed, and at peace. I have been able to engage with the world in a way that comes from a heart centered perspective. I have gained such a deep trust in life and the journey. Especially after the last night when I just laid down by myself and stared at the stars for hours and asked the universe to start living for something bigger. I was talking to the universe and the universe was talking back, I could feel it. In that moment, I knew my dreams were already answered. As I stood there, staring off into the universe, sharing the air with those who lived in the past, I knew that I was standing there with my ancestors, sharing the same incredible views and feelings of amazement that they witnessed thousands of years ago. I’ve never felt closer and more alive. I saw 7 shooting stars and I could see the Milky Way. I was in total awe. I’ve never seen the nighttime sky like that. The whole experience was just so profound, and looking out into the universe made me realize how insignificant my problems and mistakes really are and how stupid it is for me to let them continue to haunt and hold power over me. It seems that my early/mid 20s was about losing myself, so that my early 30s I could come home to my true self.

“The person who hasn’t conquered, withstood and overcome continues to feel doubtful that he ever could.” – Abraham Maslow

I remember sitting in ceremony repeating to myself over and over again, how can I ever go back to reality as it’s been? There was no possible way. I had seen and experienced way too much. I also remember sitting there and feeling deep within that we, as a collective, had just raised the level of consciousness of the entire planet. Twenty three people in ceremony, in the middle of the Amazon, had a global ripple effect. I knew from that moment that my life was forever transformed. There is no going back after experiencing yourself as the eternal light of all there is. How can you hold grudges or attempt to harm another knowing they are your own? How can you not care for mother earth given she is our beautiful creation? How will you now look at the challenges in your life after having experienced yourself as formless and timeless Source Energy that has neither beginning nor end?

“Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible god and slaughters a visible nature, without realizing that this nature he slaughters is the invisible god he worships.” – Herbert Reeves

It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean. Going to Peru was my 30th birthday present to myself. It was a deeply spiritual experience for me and something I needed to do for my own personal healing. I wanted to shed everything that has been holding me back, so that I could forge forward and carve out a new future, and start off 31 as the best year of my life and a beautiful new beginning. A deep spiritual experience is only possible when we put our ego aside. It’s about merging with something larger than you and it’s your ego that stands in the way. If we can subdue it, amazing things happen and we realize that we are part of a larger collective. When we don’t feel a part of some grander design we are forced to carry all of the meaning of life on our own shoulders.

I have no doubt that in the coming months, as I continue to integrate, I’ll come to new insights and have amazing things to report. Just being in the middle of the Amazon rainforest completely disconnected from society was so liberating and incredible. Set and setting was everything. It can definitely be work, but it’s the price to pay if it means finding your passion and purpose and start living a fulfilling life free from past baggage. If we don’t set a baseline standard for what we accept in life, we will find it easy to slip into a quality of life and behaviors that are far below what we deserve. We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish. Who we become, and what we contribute is what gives meaning to our lives.

There is no greater force for the good than a healthy, energized, awakened individual with a clear mission. The strongest purpose in life is to be of service to those you love. We need to realize that the power to cultivate change is in our hands. Open the mind, and expand it. Plug into something bigger than yourself and raise your consciousness. When we look up, we are all under the same sky and when we look within, the same light shines.

We are not separate from nature, or even each other. Every one of our decisions and actions affects all of these realms. Realizing that we are an integral part of this vast and complex web of life, and that the health of the whole is intimately connected with the health of the individual, it is critical that the global shift in consciousness assumes this perspective, and that starts with each of us.

How many lives will you touch while you have the privilege to walk this planet? What impact will your life have on the generations that follow you? What legacy will you leave behind after you have taken your last breath? What would you be doing if you could do anything in the world and there was nothing in the way, no obstacles? How can I live today in order to create the tomorrow I’m committed to? Consciously choose each step, aiming for the direction which calls you closer to your highest aspirations.

As the great Albert Einstein once said, “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” What will you chose? I challenge you to make your life a masterpiece. Join the ranks of the people who live what they teach, and who walk their talk. There is no greatness without a passion to be great.

“Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.” – Tony Robbins

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