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vad-hander · 11 months ago

Text

YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT COMPATIBLE, RIGHT?

pairing: Haechan x reader

others: Mark, Jaemin, Jeno as Haechan's friends.

warnings: reader is mean and degrading towards Haechan throughout the fic (but nothing serious), mentions of drugs and alcohol, mentions of stealing, Haechan gets injured (breaks his leg, no graphic descriptions), explicit description of sexual interactions between Haechan and reader, unrequited love, reader has issues with showing her feelings, scared of other people's opinion, slowburn, romance

words: 13,7k

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3

“Hey.”

“Hey.” your head lifted at the sound of your roommate.

“He's left already?” you felt your lips form a smile unconsciously.

“Yeah, I literally cannot look into my computer a minute longer.” you sighed dramatically, shutting down the laptop on your knees after you got notified all the work was finally saved and dropped against the back rest.

It was your 8th working session in the past two weeks with Haechan. You’ve never seen Lee Haechan so often, never had to sit right next to him in pure quietness for hours and try to have some sort of thinking process.

It was difficult any way you looked at it and you were glad he was finally gone. At least, for the evening.

Apparently, Jeno needed his help immediately and Haechan could never say no to a friend in need, which is a quote.

Talking of needs, you wondered what happened to this man’s needs since having him as a working partner seemed to somehow kill his hormones. Even when you very much intentionally set a couple of your meetings in his house the boy didn’t lay a single finger on you.

Figuratively speaking, because in fact the only thing he laid on you in those past 2 weeks were his palms. On your shoulder, or leg but it didn’t go past a teasing touch and you were confused beyond and above.

“I can imagine studying with Lee Haechan be tiring.” she cackled, placing her body on the armrest next to you. Her hand going under her head for support, making the girl take a half laying position on an armrest close to you, almost pressing her body to yours.

You probably reeked Haechan since the boy was practically attached to you at your hip for the past 5 hours, you were afraid she’d be able to pinpoint the scent of him, or more honestly you didn’t want her to ruin that scent with her fresh meadow scented deodorant.

“He’s actually doing a good job.” you smiled awkwardly, noticing the eyes of your friend. A cunning fox type of stare wasn’t a good thing coming from Eunsoo, you could not wonder immediately if she saw how handsy Haechan was before he left and was testing the waters before jumping onto you with questions? Did she hear him asking if you’re free tomorrow night? Or worse, did she see him rub his face against your neck, saying he needed a break to distract his thoughts for a later on better thinking process?

In all honesty, Haechan rubbed his face against you too many times during your sessions to go unnoticed by people around and the amount of times you were in fact ready to help him distract his brain and he never proceeded with the action made you tired, upset and even slightly annoyed.

“What, what is this smile?” you laughed it off awkwardly, very awkwardly, to be completely honest. You looked away to hide your eye twitch.

“Surprised you’re not ripping hair off your head after every working session with him.” she laughed, and… it felt lie she maybe testet the water...? Did she try to tap on the fact you didn’t really hate spending time next to him?

“I-, he-, it’s funny to say, he’s good with academic studies, apparently, and if he’s not just typing gibberish into the laptop I think we might even be one of the top students.” you chuckled. “Oh, by the way, we left some food in the fridge, if you’re hungry.”

“We?” she teased with a smirk.

“My God, Eunsoo.” your eyes rolled backwards.

“No, it’s a good thing, I guess.”

“What is a good thing?”

“We’re not hating on Haechan anymore, right?”

“I don’t think anybody actually really hated him in our friend group... except for Sua?" your thoughts trailed off before you got back "Why are you asking, anyway?”

“Ugh-agh.” she swallowed and fixed the hair on her head.

“You’ve got something you wanted to say, don't you?”

“Me? No? I was just testing the waters.“ your heart missed a beat because you were totally right. You cleared your throat in an attempt to unnoticeably calm your heart down.

“Testing the waters, huh?“ still, you couldn’t keep yourself from shuffling, having to stand up and actually move around the room to not seem suspicious to your friend that acted way too suspicious herself.

“Since you two are seem to be more friendly than before, not to jump far too ahead, but we all can be… friends… now?” she questioned, shaking her head a little as if the thought alone was still a little bewildering to her. It did seem bewildering to you too, every one of you being close to each other, being friends. “I thought I could ask you once again if you’d like to go on the boat trip that happens to be next weekend?“

“I don’t know.“ You shook your head with no answer.

Maybe you should come, for your friends, for Eunsoo, not mind Haechan, his presence and presence of all his friends. At the end of the day, you don’t even have to look at each other, but on the other hand avoiding him could give him the wrong idea, the idea that your feelings for him have changed?

“Ya, look.” Eunsoo clapped, as her voice went a little louder, making you come back to reality “’I don’t know is much more of a better answer than a straight up no. Haechan must’ve shaken your ground, huh?“ her brows went up and down playfully.

“Yeah, sure. He’s such a charming, lovely and smart guy I suddenly couldn’t imagine us part ways for the weekend, now that we’re all BFFs.“ Eunsoo laughed.

“Oh please don’t go in detail about your newly found passion in Haechan, I still have food to digest.“ She gagged jokingly. “Anyway, I’ma bout to shake your ground even more.“

“I’m all ears.“ You wiggled your brows playfully.

“The boat trip is free.“ you gasped, squinting your eyes in confusion.

“How come? How’d you make Jeno agree to that? What did you promise him?“ You jumped up to your friend, hand on your heart in concern.

“Nothing, I didn’t need to-“

“Jeno himself suggested I’m coming for free?“ you stared at her wide-eyed, trying to get a secret out of her that she obviously wasn’t keeping too well.

“Ugh, not really-“ Eunsoo tried to get an answer out of her mouth but her brain was definitely not cooperating and you didn’t want to stop asking questions at the kinda exciting news. You took a moment in your brain to question yourself. Why exactly did the thought excite you so much? Jeno was practically a stranger to you. “So did you ask him to? Soo-yah, I’m starting to think he might have a crush… on me…? Of all people?!“ you couldn’t hold back a giggle.

“I don’t-“ The girl paused calmly.

“He wants me to come no matter what? If he’s saying it’s free suddenly? I’m sure Sua and Aeri transferred him money last week.“

“Ugh… you sorta got it right.“ She sighed.

“Wh-“ you started confused “No, what?“ You spoke louder. “What did he say? What did he say?“ You pulled onto Eunsoo’s hand for more info, like an excited puppy.

“He just asked if you decided on coming… I said no, you’re not going to be there so he just said I can take you with me…” she paused and then suddenly continued “Said you have to be there no matter what so I’m here asking you if you’d come if it was free?“

“Should I?“ You chuckled.

“If you want to?“ She spoke awkwardly, you had to take a step back and recollect yourself.

“Hey, I… actually, I thought Jeno had a thing for you and you two were slowly drifting in that direction? What happened with that? Thats very out of the blue…? Him wanting to see me there. When we’re there I should tell him I’m not interested, you d-.“

“No, no!“ Eunsoo jumped up. “Don’t tell him anything.“

“Why?“

“I-ugh, he’s going to be pissed I told you, just don’t mention anything, it’s better you act the usual.“

“Are you sure?“

“Yeah, yeah, don’t go out of your way just to refuse him.“

“I-oh, okay. But are you okay with that?“

“Yeah, yeah. So you’re going then, right?“

“Guess I’m going, then.“ you chuckled.

“Fantastic.“ Eunsoo clapped her hands relieved, the conversation seemed too awkward for her, it could not not gut you. “I’ll go eat leftovers of your fancy lunch with your new best friend.“

From: Haechan

Great news, cupcake.

To: Haechan

What news?

From: Haechan

You’re coming to Jeno’s little party

To: Haechan

So it’s great news now

Didn’t you say that I’ll shit your party?

From: Haechan

Aw, baby, you’re keeping everything I say close to your heart, I’m honoured

Don’t worry tho, I changed my opinion and I’m going to make the best of your presence

To: Haechan

Awww poor baby, You must’ve gotten a little too comfortable and forgot we’re not friends

it’s fine though, I’ll say hi back to you once I see you on that boat

From: Haechan

I hope you’re not getting sea sick and stuff

I’ve never done you on water, won’t forgive you for ruining my chance

And then sure, lets not talk

To: Haechan

and, I’m sure you’re overestimating Jeno’s abilities, isn’t it going to be more of a catamaran type boat? lol

From: Haechan

why the caps lock you want to make sure I know you’re not getting sea sick?

To: Haechan

F u

Go finish the project on your own

From:Haechan

You’re not much of a help anyway

To: Haechan

And finish yourself off on your own too <3

Excuse me, I’m not much of a help?!?

Your life’s about to end

From: Haechan

If you’re considering staring at me while I actually work on our paper help, I’ve got bad news for you cupcake

You gasped scandalised and threw your phone away. Annoying Haechan and his annoyingly good eyesight, you thought, he deserves to be left on read.

From: Haechan

whoopsie, was I supposed to keep my mouth closed?

You never were supposed to text me in the first place, you mumbled under your breath, suddenly being too worked up by him. His senseless messages made your heart wake up and burn, not with love and passion, with embarrassment and that long forgotten, almost dead feeling of wishing to end his cocky smile and witty brain.

From: Haechan

come on, don’t act like you’re surprised

I thought you were this obvious on purpose

weren’t you?

You stared at the phone blankly, considering your options.

from: Haechan

hey

hey!!

you

to: Haechan

I’ll block you if you won’t stop

from: Haechan

why?

to: Haechan

hey

Hey

You

Hey

You

Fuck

You

like it?

from: Haechan

okay baby go back to what you were doing, bye

to: Haechan

thanks

You reached out for the bedside table in pure darkness, blindly finding your phone. When the gadget was finally in your hands you lit up the screen.

“Fuck”, you mumbled under your breath as the screen burned your eyes. 2 AM, the clock marking an hour and 30 minutes of tossing and turning in bed because everything turned out to be more than you were able to handle. All your thoughts and feelings suddenly were much more than what you could process and you were sincerely dreading the new day that would bring more concerns and more importantly more Haechan.

You needed more random things to flood your mind so they’d be able to overlap the Haechan ones you had because thinking of Haechan in the middle of the night was giving you a headache. Did he think of you too…? Sometimes, maybe, at least at all, ever? How did you end up getting here? You’d chuckle if someone else asked you that question.

Middle of the night, palms sweaty from overthinking too much, heart trembling a little because the boy you used to just have sex with smashed the lock on the door to your feelings with no mercy.

Was he intentionally invading your inner peace? Did he want to stir your feelings as part of his stupid ego stroking, did you imagine things, come up with all that in your head? You needed Lee Haechan to take responsibility for his actions, he overstepped the boundary way too many times, now he flirts with you as an addition to everything else. Baby? Seriously, baby, cupcake was much of a better nickname, at least you knew it was meaningless and not personal. It felt like he wasn’t bothered too much to remember what your actual name was and stuck to something that made your relationship feel like a transaction. Baby is definitely giving a feeling to you, a little too intimate for your liking, it’s like he was claiming he liked you, like he claimed you his something and you were in some sort of relationship.

What if his silly brain already spilled things to his group of friends about you and him? Your heartbeat fastened even more. Oh how you hated yourself for laying in that bed and still thinking of Haechan’s message when it’s been an ungodly amount of hours since he sent it.

Maybe, it’s just you going crazy since that day he took you out.

What if…? You had to toss onto the other side of the bed at the thought. What if he does all of this to play with you? Since the day you told him to not kiss you Haechan seemed to change his game, he just plays to try make you brake the rule of no kissing first. He’s that type of person to do things only to satisfy his own needs and satisfy his ego. Oh god, you had to sigh again.

Were you going through all stages of grief or something like that? Now you’re on the demonising the person of your concerns stage? Sigh, sigh, sigh.

You couldn’t sigh any louder or you'll literally wake up Eunsoo.

Maybe, at this point, you’d really let him do anything to fulfil whatever plan he had. You’d gladly accept defeat if only he’d let you smash your lips against his right this moment, it doesn’t even have to be literally right this moment. If you’d get reassurance you’d be able to do it in the morning you’ll do anything in your power to conquer your feelings and finally fall asleep to hold on till the new day.

“Just to clarify, I was staring at you because I couldn’t stop wondering, if you had brain in that head of yours all along, why did you act like you didn’t, not because of whatever you thought.” you slapped your palm against Haechan’s chest for no particular reason, it seemed to you it’ll give more effect, persuade him more you were telling the truth. A very puzzled expression on the boys face turned into even more confused one as your palm stayed on him for a few seconds.

“Okay?”

“Good.” you nodded, and took a step back.

“I didn’t ask. What are you even on about?” your eyes suddenly glued to his. He still was confused, that’s for sure. Well, who wouldn’t, in all honesty. You popped out of the blue on his way to the campus, first thing in the morning like a psychopath. You weren’t even sure you didn’t look like one.

“Ugh… huh?” your brain processed his question. “What do you mean what I’m on about?”

“When were you staring? I just got here.”

“Your message on Friday.”

“Oh, that.” he smirked immediately. “I was just shitting you, but it seems like I hit the spot right?”

“You- fuck you.”

“Come on, don’t act like you’re not enjoying me texting you.”

“I don’t. You’re always interrupting.”

“Yeah? What exactly did I interrupt on Friday?”

“I-, I was doing something. It’s none of your business.”

“Okay, I’ll stay out of it then.” the slight nod and completely lost interest in his eyes kind of pinched you.

You maybe wanted him to pick on you, push and tease so he’d get straight to whatever he was interrupting but he just didn’t. Did he lose all his interest in you? Or was this just a tiresome Monday morning and he wasn’t in for the game?

You weren’t that much of a talkative friend when it came to him. You weren’t about to giggle and ask him why he's so stiff this morning. You were about to start sweating that’s for sure, your palms were feeling too warm because you maybe wanted to tell him something but maybe talking to him suddenly felt like imposing. Were you about to go insane over Lee Haechan? Over him and the fact he didn’t have a thing to say to you. Since when?

“Okay.” you nodded too and wanted to walk straight past him, but it felt like you made it hard for yourself to breathe. “The presentation of the project is this Wednesday. I’m almost done with the slides but we need to go through the text, who’s saying what, who’s presenting which part and all that stuff.” you didn’t want to look at him anymore while talking. Why did you not want to look at him? You couldn’t understand yourself at all. Your wishful thinking brought you here in front of him early in the morning after almost a sleepless night. Somehow you thought he’d tease you and smile at you and set another date for seeing each other wether it’d be for sex or food or school. At this point you caught yourself not caring at all as long as it’s something to do with him. You could understand the change in your demeanour, but what was up with him? You really wanted to clap in front of his eyes and ask him what’s up.

The change in you obviously scared you. It made you sincerely concerned for your self. You probably needed to talk this out with someone but the more you went through with that first sentence you’d start the conversation with the more you felt self-conscious to bring it up even as a thought that might’ve popped up in your head once or twice.

The more you thought of it the more you brought up heaviness on your shoulders. Were you imagining or did Haechan change? His behaviour seemed colder than before? Did he change his demeanour because he felt you actually fall for his flirting and the pure intentions of his flirting were not to make you fall for him… it was to watch you be uncomfortable?

Were you actually beating around the bush and not admitting to yourself truthfully the four letter word you were feeling towards him. No, not the big four letter word, the smaller one, but very much dear to your heart, very fragile as it still felt like early stages of processing the feeling. And even though your body might’ve not been new to it, since your brain was only able to work it out recently, your body was sent signals to act like the feeling was very new to it too, and it obeyed perfectly.

You actually had to stop yourself, because you were starting to feel even more hot, getting the fact you might’ve looked insane by now, even. You took a quick glance at Haechan’s face, crossing with his stare only to go blank and look away quickly. Was he sensing the inner battle you had and was disgusted? Didn’t want to be part of it? If the two of you stood there a little longer you were sure you’d make yourself cry right there. Overthinking was definitely your specialty.

“We’re super short on time, if you don’t mind splitting the presentation on your own and sending to me my parts-.”

“Yes, I can very much do that.”

“Great, see you around, then.”

“Yes.” you gave him a nod, you’re sure tho it wasn’t seen. Great, now Haechan didn’t even want to prepare the presentation with you in person.

The clock on the wall was barely audible now that the classroom was practically packed with students. Still, the only thing your hearing was focused on were the seconds that turned into minutes. Your eyes were trained on the door and your fingers would stop fidgeting the pen every time someone walked past the entrance but would get back to work every time because every person that walked through the door wasn’t Lee Haechan. Where the hell was he? You closed your eyes for a 5 second breather.

Finally, the clock reached 10 AM, one minute later the professor walked into the auditorium and closed the door right behind him.

“Glad to see you all so cheerful. Bet each and every one of you is thrilled to present your work and get the passing grades?” the young man smiled and cleared his throat, making the whole room quiet.

Again, the quiet room brought the ticking sound upon you. Tic-tac-tic-tac.

to: Haechan

Where are you? We’re 5th to present. Professor's about to start the class.

Your eyes raised at the door once again as one of the students ran in apologising for being late.

“I think I’ll just go sit in the back and let the first group prepare for the presentation?” professors eyes moved over the classroom to see the first ones to stand up. “Oh, Ms. Moon and Ms. Ong, great.” he gave Sua and her partner a nod and non-verbally invited them to the front to set up their presentation.

to: Haechan

Why the hell are you not reading my message?

Your only excuse is you’re running your legs off to get here in time for our turn.

Please?

You had to add when the message was still unread. Did he die by any chance? Overslept because he was memorising his parts till very late at night? You dialled the number - pure silence was what you were met with besides the monotonous rings on the other side of the line.

You had to breathe because not only were you starting to feel overwhelmed by the end of the third groups presentation, you were realising you had almost no time left to run through the parts Haechan was meant to present and prepare yourself at least a little.

“Hey, pst!“ your head snapped in direction of the whisper. “Where’s that little freak?“ Sua leaned over the students in front of her to hear your answer properly, but you had no words for her, you shrugged and turned away to not start bawling your eyes out in panic.

“Mr. Lee and -“ professor announced running his eyes to scan the faces of present students. “I don’t think I see Mr. Lee in here.“ His eyes landed on you, as he called out your surname. “What happened to Mr. Lee? Is he running late? Will you be okay to present on your own?”

”I think- I guess he’s running here so he’s not responding. Could we please listen to the next presentation and return to us later? Please?” The man looked at you for a good minute, probably debating if he should give you time or force you to do it now by yourself. Your teary eyes must have swayed him towards the first option and he gave you a nod, reading off the paper the next project couple.

”Okay, you’re the last one to present tonight.”

”Thank you. Thank you so much.” you trained your eyes on the papers in front of you to memorise whatever Haechan was meant to talk about on those slides. You were agonising, if only you actually put in work to put everything together instead of letting Haechan take care of everything. It felt like you gave in to the devil and now had to pay the price for giving in. Your eyes ran through words but all your brain processed was either ‘fuck you Haechan’ and ‘you better show up before the end of that class’. Actually if he showed up after all the stress you went through right now, you’d choke him right at the entrance.

Currently you were in the state where you barely remembered your own part and what was the topic of the paper at all.

He didn't come. Not when it was 20 minutes before the end of the class, not even when you had 10 minutes left and got up in front of everyone to present.

This very moment you were in the cafeteria with your head hanging low while Aeris hand soothed your back and Sua sat right next to you blabbering non-stop.

"No, I literally knew being paired up with that annoying leech would end up terrible for you. Like I had a gut feeling he's going to find a way to fuck this all up."

"Haechan literally worked his butt off for that paper, I don't think he'd just fleet like that. Must be something serious." Eunsoo pointed and you almost did agree with her, it didn't seem like Haechan wanted to dodge this class on purpose but at the same time you could never know what actually happened in that little shits head and predict his thinking was like punching air - useless.

"Yes, serious, like he has to be literally dead now for it to be serious enough excuse to dodge a presentation class like that. Did he read your texts?" Aeri patted your back for attention. You pulled out your phone to still unread messages and shook your head a no. You were slowly calming down and wished he'd pop up before you as soon as possible so you'd still have fume in you to fight.

"Hey, it wasn't that bad. You literally got an A- and presented perfectly."

"I stuttered like an idiot every 2 words." you spoke for the first time in 15 minutes making everyone relieved.

"If it was actually as bad as it seems to you you would've never gotten an A-"

"I still don't understand why you told that freak took great part in that paper with you. You had a perfect chance to pay him back but instead he gets an A while probably sleeping in his bed comfortably or some shit." Sua shook her head dissaprovingly.

"Should've made him pay for real." Aeri agreed.

"I want to dodge the next class, honestly, I wasn't prepared for that much stress in one morning."

"I can cover for you." Eunsoo suggested.

"And I can dodge the class with you." Sua cackled and Aeri suggested the same.

"I, ugh, I think I'm just gonna go home and stare at the wall and meditate." you excused yourself from the girls company and stood up.

"If you want to you can have the piece of cake in the fridge."

"That's a real sacrifice, Eunsoo, God." you chuckled and pulled yourself together. "Okay, I guess, see ya tomorrow."

"Bye, bye!"

"Don't think about that loser too much!"

As soon as your feet walked up to the disagnated floor you didnt just walk, you stormed to the needed door. Even before your feet stopped at their place, your finger was already pressing into the doorbell.

Of course, you weren't about to go back home, stare at the wall and not think that the stupid boy that stirred your insides for the past couple of weeks suddenly faded like he was never there. He was very much there and he was very much invested in getting a good grade. You heard some shuffling behind the door and as it opened you stared at the boy that never stopped you wondering how can you hate someone even more than you hated them the day before.

"Jesus fucking christ." He exclaimed and pulled your hand off the door bell. "Why the hell you're ringing the bell like that. I'm no Sonic." he let go of your wrist to walk back in, expecting you to do the same.

"So you're not dead, after all." you snorted to yourself and walked in.

"Were there any signs?"

"Are you going to pretend like you didn't miss 100s of my calls and messages and didn't skip the very important class we had to present at?"

"Oh? That was scheduled for today?" he opened his mouth in shock, closing it with his palm afterwards. He was obviously sarcastic.

"You're a psycho." You crossed arms on your chest, not planning to walk in any further into his place.

"Why?"

"You skipped our presentation without a notice."

"Maybe I just really wanted you to realise how much you need me." Haechan pressed his shoulder against the wall and smiled at you with that sweet-sweet smile he could only muster when he wanted to be out of this world annoying.

"You're fucking vicious."

"Why?" he batted his eyelashes.

"I-." you swallowed. You really wanted to scream at him, get into a fight or maybe just be mean and rude and then leave but on your way here that bubbling rage inside of you cooled down a little and you just wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with him to act this way. "Why did I even think for a split second that I can rely on you or that we finally are understanding each other a little bit? You're just out of this world psychotic and I will never ever again agree on doing anything with you. Like even that thing we had going on - it's over. I don't want you lay a single finger on me after that stress you put me through." You wanted to say more but he was quiete and almost dead with the face expression so you decided on turning around and walking away. "oh, by the way, I got you an A so don't you worry bout your grades baby boy." you let him know before walking out and smashing the door after.

When you smashed that door you hoped whole heartedly he'd pull you back in by the wrist and explain himself like all those male leads in romcoms do. And you would fotgive him and he'd pull you into a hug and give you that very much wanted kiss you've been thinking of for the past few weeks. You were in fact ready to forgive him when you walked up to his place if only he put in effort to explain, you were to be honest already partially relieved when you saw him alive and well.

But he didn't make a single sound from behind that door and before you walked back down those stairs you decided you'd act out on your pathetic thoughts and slow down with those steps. What if he was putting on some clothes before chasing you down? Or tying his shoe laces before he could walk out. You waited a little bit longer, before it turned way beyond the limits of pathetic behaviour you set. You had to leave and actually get back home.

Act like you weren't affected by his behavior, change of his mood and the mixed signals that were coming from him. You had to act in front of Eunsoo like Haechan didn't affect you deeply and all your thoughts were centered around him.

You couldn't possibly stop yourself thinking if he took your words seriously or he'd figure you were angry and didn't actually mean you didn't want a single finger of his on you, because if he'd reach out first you knew you would not ignore him.

"You're actually lucky you dipped." Eunsoo walked into your room, arms pulling off the hoodie she wore outside. "Can I sit?" the girl asked pointing at your bed.

You nodded, scooping your books to one side of the bed. You decided that studying would be helpful for your brain to stop pacing from one thing to the other but you were proven wrong about an hour ago but still stared into those books like they were about to give in.

"Haechan didn't show up for the rest of the day. Were you successful in finding out what the hell happened with him?"

"No." you shrugged nonchalantly. "I couldn't care less for his reasons. It's for sure the very last time we're working on something together. I mean, worked."

"It's just weird, maybe I'm overthinking." Eunsoo sighed and rested her head on her palm.

"It is indeed weird." you were trying to understand the girl that was sitting on your bed. Was she just talking to you, did she want you to talk out all the shit you had on your mind about Haechan or she knew something and wanted to dig in further out of pure curiosity. "I'm maybe glad I didn't see him at my peak rage cause I'm sure he would've walked away injured." Eunsoo giggled with her mouth hidden behind her other palm.

"I hope you'll completely let go of this ridiculous situation by Friday and will enjoy the party like the queen of unbotherness that you are."

"What party?" you furrowed your eyebrows for a second before your heart dropped down to your feet. "That catamaran thing Jeno's arranging?" That Haechan is totally attending and totally is not going to reach out to you at as he promised before he would.

"He actually sent me the pics. It's a little better than a catamaran." Eunsoo commented after a chuckle, reaching out for her phone to show you the pics. "Jeno said there's a big outside area."

"Very suitable for the season." You smirked.

"Well, it's still pretty warm, I think a lot of padding will save us. And a big enough inside area for dancing, food and other fun things."

"Fun things like what?"

"Games, I don't know, quiz, whatever comes into his mind. Jeno actually isn't that good with stuff like that so I'm wondering a little what all of this going to look like." she showed you a picture of a massive looking tourist boat, yacht, ship? You couldn't really work out what was the right name for that. "Okay, it's not really a catamaran like. I'll take my words back." You smiled honestly impressed. "Wait, how many people are coming? This feels like an expensive thing to rent."

"Jeno's dad is a best friend to the owner of the company that owns those boats. He's paying almost nothing, so we're lucky for a friend like Jeno." she beamed.

"We-, sure." You couldn't hold back a laugh. You weren't sure you ever had even a simple conversation with Jeno before.

"What?" Eunsoo chewed on her cheek probably finally realising she was smiling all the time she was tlaking about Jeno. Not sus at all, you swallowed.

"You do realise I most likely know none of those people invited except for you and Sua and Aeri."

"You know Haechan."

"I'm definitely far from knowing him." you rolled both your eyes at her words. Even if you thought before you did, it's all gone now.

"Well, you two were off to a good start, before... today, you know." She scratched her brow, suddenly getting off your bed. "Ugh, I'm gonna heat up some rice and fry an egg. You want some?"

"Yes please, thank you." You smiled, watching Eunsoo fade behind the door.

Off to a good start, you thought to yourself and almost pulled the hair from your head.

You had a feeling you should not go. You could name a whole damn list of reasons you should just not attend the party stay at home and watch a movie, read a book, listen to a podcast - the list literally goes on, but there were 2 reasons that were strong enough to influence you to come:

1. You would not allow Haechan to think you skipped the party because you were mad at him;

2. It turned out you were pretty weak when it came to resisting Haechan, you couldn't allow yourself to be in bed for the evening, thinking and wondering if Haechan was there, what was he wearing, what did he smell like today and if he would see you would he let the two of you fall back to complete strangers or make a move?

That's why currently you were standing next to Eunsoo in an elevator that was taking you downstairs. A maxi dress with fitted silhouette in mesh with long sleeves, gathered waist, mock neck and all over pattern in dark dusty blue color hugged your body. You didn't really want to dress all out but the dress was giving warm and secured so you just put it on, getting approving nods from the girl next to you.

"I am not letting you come back home without securing Jeno, like I'm being completely serious right now. I don't understand why he's acting like he's blind. If he's not going to drool over you tonight I'm going to punch some sence into him." you giggled "I'm so tired of watching you two beating around the bush."

"We're not!" Eunsoo protested on her way out of the elevator.

"I'm sure he wanted me there so I'd be your wingman."

"Shut up, for real." Eunsoo rolled her eyes at you.

You quickly got into the taxi that awaited the two of you in front of the building. Soon enough you were on the little ladder that connected pier and the boat. A man helped everyone get safely inside of the boat, you guessed it was the captain. As soon as you entered, violet neon light cut your eyes a little as the blackness of the outside contrasted with lighting much. Jeno stood right at the entrance beaming a smile at everyone that entered.

"Welcome to the Jeno boat, we're about to take you on the best ride in your life." Jeno's eyes immediately glued to Eunsoo, not giving a single glance to you.

"I hope the best boat ride in my life will not end up the way your last party ended." You had to swallow to prevent yourself from laughing. Spotting a bar and Sua right next to it, you didn't even need to excuse yourself, you walked away unnoticed by the two, booing Sua as she reached for the drink placed in front of her by the bartender.

"Boo!" you exclaimed, placing your palm on the girls waist.

"Damn!" She exclaimed first annoyed as her drink almost spilled, turning around to probably swear at you, before she processed it was you, her friend. Sua's eyes ran all over your outfit, her tone completely changing. "Damn girl!" She giggled, placing the drink back at the bar table, reaching out for your palm to twirl you in front of her. You twirled like she wanted you to and made a cute pose as a killing point. "What a pretty dress and what a pretty girl. Want to hook up?" Sua shouted to be louder than the music playing with her brows as she leaned into you, with a voice that she probably considered flirtatious but was just giving away it wasn't her first drink of the night.

"What you're having?" you peeked at the drink behind the girl.

"A Pina colada. This one's actually one of the best ones on the menu. I've tried a few other cocktails."

"Off to a great start." You giggled, ordering the same drink.

"Oh." Sua made a sound staring at the entrance and you almost asked her what was up but you heard the loudest scream and giggles after and by all those noises it was impossible for you to not acknowledge Haechan's presence. You considered turning around and checking out his appearance but you weren't still done proseccing his total black outfit from weeks ago and seeing whatever he was wearing now would probably make you weak in the knees.

The bartender handed you your Pina colada, you taking a sip of the drink immediately.

"It does taste good." You gasped at Sua that was finishing off her glass by now.

"See, I told you it's good. Like, really good, I'm impressed." She giggled and took a look at the bartender "Two more, please." The girl probably caught your shocked stare "for you and me." She added.

"Thank you. Want to take a walk outside?" You smiled, you didn't want to turn around and find Haechan somewhere behind you. You wanted to exit the same area he was in and prepare yourself to actually face him. In addition, you did come there to hang out with your friends and specifically give the boy zero attention. You were trying to keep things as they were planned. You had a little bit of an anxious break down because you had a gut feeling once you turn around you'll get caught by him and he'll tease you till your very last day on earth.

"Yeah, sure. More people coming in. I think, everyone by now must be here." Sua stated, making you turn around quickly, seeing no one in a span of a second. Still you spotted there was indeed more people than before. "Oh, I spotted Aeri." She jumped in place excited, waving at the girl that most definitely couldn't see her yet. "Wait here and get our drinks. I'm going to bring Aeri here." You gave Sua a nod as she took off.

The bartender placed both full glasses in front of you in a minute and as more people were gathering around the bar it was harder to stay there and keep your drinks safe. You could feel the boat start moving in a bit and to confirm your assumption you heard a wild noise coming from Jeno. A very loud 'let's go' that was perfectly heard by you even through the music. You had to turn around because it was too much of a temptation to see what mess he was up to. Well, for now, the mess weren't really there, he scooped his closest friends around him, taking all of them at once to the bar. You had to be blind to not see Haechan under Jeno's right arm. He had to bent his back a little to fit in. As he was smiling widely, showing off his perfectly white teeth, eyes disappearing in pure joy. His hair seemed a little messy, like he didn't style it at all, got out of the shower and let them dry naturally. You had a feeling if you'd touch his hair you'd be able to tell if he blow dried them or not. Haechan wore a graphic t-shirt with a zip up black hoodie and a leather jacket. Skinny black jeans that he wore showed off his skinny built, finishing off the look with his casual white trainers. You had to force yourself to blink to not look crazy.

The boys were chatting and as the tone of their voices got seemingly lower you couldn't even guess what they were saying. Haechan freed himself of Jeno's hold, reaching for the menu on the other side of the bar. You turned away, watching Sua and Aeri approach you.

"Hey." Aeri reached out to hug you. "I see that freaky company is already starting their madness." she rolled her eyes.

"If Jeno's here, where's Eunsoo?" you asked, sincerely curios. You weren't able to see Eunsoo from where you were standing.

"She's at the entrance with a girl that took economics with her. Apparently they've got some serious business discussion." Aeri pointed with her hands where you guessed she last saw your mutual friend.

"Okay." you gave her a nod, trying really hard to not stare to the side all the noise was coming from. The whole place was pretty chill, Jeno's friends or most likely acquaintances filled up the improvised dance floor. There was maybe 50 people, probably even more. You couldn't imagine Jeno knowing all of them. You never saw like 90% of these people before, you wondered if every friend brought a friend and a long chain of people showed up here without knowing who people surrounding them were.

You wondered if Haechan brought anyone too to fill up the cost of the trip or what if he really did bring someone because they were his friend, because they were close and he wanted to see them here? You were jealous because you obviously weren't one of the people he wanted to see here.

When Aeri finally got her drink from the bartender that was finally freed from Jeno's besties order, Sua, Aeri and you walked outside, greeted by the breezy wind. Thankfully, lots of blankets were piled up on one of the stools, the three of you immediately covering yourself in multiple layers of those.

"There's even comfortable outside seating." You exclaimed, quickly moving your limbs over to the leather couch with multiple pillows. "I wonder if those pillows were ever at risk of being thrown away into the sea." you chuckled, making yourself comfortable and making room for your friends.

"I bet these are sewed onto this." Sua dropped herself next to you, pulling onto the pillow.

"Wow they are indeed sewed into this couch." You giggled like it was insanely funny to you. It really wasn't, just the 2nd Pina colada on an empty stomach was making your head spin a little.

"It's making me sick a little." Aeri stared into the water that foamed from under the motor. "If you look for too long its kinda starting to make you sick."

"Don't look." Sua laughed, pulling onto Aeris hand.

"Fine." the girl turned to look at the two of you hidden under the blankets, fingers peeking from under them to hold onto Pina coladas. "Were you able to take a glance at all the guests? Any interesting faces?"

"I couldn't see anyone besides Jeno that greeted Eunsoo and I. More like he greeted her and then he got tunnel vision and I ran away to Sua. That's it. I know nobody here except for Jeno's circle. "

"I heard Jeno's bestie Jaemin brought his girlfriend for the first time to meet his boys." Sua cleared her throat before speaking.

"Sweet." Aeri cooed in unison with you.

"People are saying Jeno threw the party so his friend could confess feelings to someone."

"Who? Jaemin to that girl?"

"I guess." Aeri shrugged.

"Look! The moon!" Sua pointed at the sky, making you jump in your sit with the unexpected loudness.

"It looks like a full moon." Aeri commented.

"It's not. It's waning moon, full moon was yesterday."

"Hi Mr.Moon." you giggled, stretching out a hand from the blanket to wave at the sky.

"Hi." Both Aeri and Sua sang.

"Are you three talking to the moon?" Eunsoo forced the three of you turn around to the entrance door. "How many drinks each of you had?" She laughed, walking up to you.

"Not that many." Aeri protested, more on her behalf than yours and definitely not Sua's.

"You three should come back inside, it's warmer there and they're about to play your favorite song, Aeri."

"What?" Aeri exclaimed like she was cut deeply. "And I'm here staring at the water bubbles battling my wish to throw up?" The girl laughed and stood up immediately. "Sua?" the girl suggested.

"I'm kinda having fun right here." Sua smiled like a Cheshire cat.

"Come on, I thought you two would be right in the center of that dancing pit setting the whole party up." Eunsoo pulled onto Sua's hand making the girl stand up too. Sua placed her half empty glass on something plasticy that seemed like a great storing surface at first. Aeri linked her arm with Sua's, taking the girl back inside in pure silence

"I'm kinda offended." You giggled, looking at Eunsoo that took Sua's place. "Did you not expect me to pump up the party?"

"I did!" Your friend protested weakly. "I actually wanted to tell you something."

"Does this have to do anything with Jeno?" You perked up your ears, gossip was one of the things that made you dead excited. You sipped onto the Pina colada that you tried really hard to not finish off.

"Yeah, kinda." Eunsoo smiled shyly. "Wait, I didn't even have a single drink yet, I'll go get myself one before we talk."

"Sure." you giggled " i'll be right here." Eunsoo nodded with a giggle. "get me one too, please." you shouted as the girl was reaching the door, making sure she did actually hear you.

You closed your eyes for a second, focusing your hearing on the loud music blasting inside. It was really loud and tempting, you did want to come back there and have fun with your friends as soon as Eunsoo spills her secrets. It took her a little longer than you expected to return to you and by the time it felt like it was maybe 10 minutes since she left you started to doubt if she'd even return to you at all. It kinda felt nice, the more you drank the less you were worried about Haechan, so you downed the drink in your hand to take the one Sua left behind.

Finally, you heard the door open once again and the lonely steps signalled that it must be Eunsoo. You opened your eyes only when by your calculations she was about to stand right next to you, ready to reach out your hand for the drink when your smile faded completely as your vision worked out the person in front of you.

Haechan was still smiling at you despite your face dropping completely. There wasn't a chance he couldn't read the room, not understand that you didn't want him here or you dreaded breathing the same air as him. That's the main reason you were spending your time here, outside.

"Can I sit?"

"No." you replied firmly, looking away. Your eyes focused on the inside of your glass as you took a sip.

"Please?"

"No." you stated once again, challenging him with a stare.

"I-ugh, I'm sorry, I'm going to disobey." Haechan scrunched his nose, taking a little glance around and sitting down.

"I'm waiting for my friends!" you protested, moving your body into the farthest corner from where Harchan seated himself.

"Okay, I'm just going to sit here wait for your friends with you."

"I don't want your company."

"I know." Haechan reached out his hand to you palm up. You didn't understand if he expected you to hold it or what was the intention of the gesture, but you ignored it. "You look very pretty tonight, if you don't mind me saying. I wish you didn't have to hide here because of me." your head snapped in his direction. You were so exasperated it took you a good second to start talking.

"I'm not hiding here. Not from you or because of you, of all people." you tried really hard to sound scandalised, to not sound like you were exposed and hurt and very much curios why did he come here and where he wanted to take this.

"Good, because it kinda felt like it-"

"It's not." You didn't let him finish his nonsense.

"Okay. I know you're mad at me, it's obvious. I did screw you up skipping our presentation day." Your eyes glued to Haechan's side while his attention was glued to his own fingers. "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." Haechan moved his eyes to your face, catching you off guard.

"Okay." you gulped before replying.

"I'm really thankful you got me an A even though I made you all stressed out like that." Haechan lowered his voice, teasing his lower lip between his teeth.

"Okay." you nodded quietly not being able to tell him how careless he was and all the things you were practicing because you most definitely was one step away from voicing to him your desires and smashing your lips against his, with the way his teeth were teasing that lower lip.

"Come on, talk to me." The hand that reached out for you before now was gripping carefully onto your knee for attention "If I'm not seeing things that aren't there..." he paused probably picking out words to say, your heart went on pause too. "I probably made you hella confused, I'm so sorry. Whatever I made you think is right." you couldn't find words to talk back so Hyuck continued after a pause "See? I'm trying hard to get over my pride and say I'm sorry. Can't you do the same for me?" Haechan's fingers flexed on your knee.

"I don't have to be sorry for anything." you pressed "If you wanted to say that I was right when I felt like you couldn't care less about me and I wasn't one bit someone worth at least noticing of your plans in advance then thank you for confirmation, I guessed that by now without your help." You tried to shake away his hand off your body. You were feeling a little too warm under his touch.

"I didnt mean that you need to say sorry to me, only the pride part. You really don't want to make it easier for me, aren't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." You moved your body more against the back rest, crossing your arms over your chest, your drink close to your mouth. The pineapple smell made you thirsty, you took a sip. If Eunsoo ever planned on coming back it's better she returned with a whole damn tray of drinks with the time it took her, you thought.

Haechans finger still rested over your knee like they were meant to be there. It made you mad a little, that you didn't force him to put it away immediately and now the Haechan fever was spreading over your body.

You reached out a hand, peeling each of his fingers off your knee. Haechan's fingers were freezing, if you weren't mad you would've suggested him a blanket. As soon as he gave in and allowed you to take his hand in yours you reached to take it back to his lap. You wanted to let go as soon as you reached his lap and hide behind the blanket but instead you were caught in claws formed by Hyucks fingers. He forced your palm to rest against his lower stomach, not letting you to win the battle the two of you suddenly had.

"Let go." You tried to sound threatening.

"Not until you're forgiving me."

"Then you'll have to freeze to death and I'll watch you drown in the ocean, Jack." you smarted.

"It's a river, Rose." he cackled, always being ready for a comeback.

"Shut up, I know." You tried to pull your hand out of his hold as it felt like he loosened his grip, but as soon as he could feel you move his hand pressed yours back against his stomach.

Your other hand still held onto the glass and you downed whatever was in there to free your hand.

"I know you know." Haechan smiled warmly at you. You looked at him a little confused, was it the Pina colada or the way his fingers were gripping onto yours? "Are you done with your drink?" the boys finger pointed at the empty glass in your hand. "I'll take it, okay?" Reaching out the next moment to take the glass from you.

You watched Haechan place the glass back to where Sua stored it before. He moved slowly, like he had all the time in the world. You wondered if anyone will eventually walk out that door to have a smoke break or if Jeno will look for Haechan to set you free. Or Sua, or Aeri, or literally anyone. You still had a little hope Eunsoo will remember she wanted to share her news with you and return.

You were buzzing a little inside if you were honest to yourself. Haechan did find you himself, he did say he's sorry, he did hold your hand like he wanted for you two to be closer. Still, he didn't really say anything besides he was sorry. It wasn't enough for you to get your guard down, to let him play you like he wanted to.

"You can let go of my hand, it's not like I'm going to run away from here anyway." you said calmly. You had that warm aura under the blanket, it was pitch black outside but the lights from the inside were making the dim light come through to where the two of you were sitted. Same for the music, you could still hear pretty clearly the muffled sound coming from the inside. It made you reminisce a little about that time Haechan took you out. You moved your eyes onto his face features. Haechan's face softened too as he saw you relax more. You wondered if he thought of that time too, how he rested his head on your lap and made you run your fingers through his hair. If he'd ask you to do that now, you wouldn't mind agreeing.

"Promise?" You gave him a slight nod. "I want us to go back what we had."

"I-" your face dropped a little as the words left his mouth, he clearly felt that as his face expression mirrored yours. He was putting effort for you to allow him the sex he talked about. "I'm not going to sleep with you." you pulled your hand out of his grip, finally.

"I mean to what we had for the last couple of weeks. When we were partners in the project and friends." Your head snapped back in Haechan's direction. "I mean it. I want to be your friend." you blinked at him wordlessly. You felt a little too warm under all those blankets while Haechans ears were seemingly turning pink from the cold outside. You reached out to him with no sound at all, lifting up his palm the moment he realised you were reaching out to him. You ignored the gesture once again, moving up to feel the temperature of his nose and ears with the back of your hand.

"You're freezing. You'll get sick." you half whispered, taking all those blankets off your body. As you sat straight and gathered all the blankets left behind by girls you had to get on your knees on the couch as the dress you were wearing was way too narrow on the legs and didn't allow you to move however you wanted to. "I can share a blanket with a friend." you added quitly, bitting onto your lips afterwards as you busied yourself with covering Haechan who you could tell with your side vision bit into his cheek, staring at you intently.

"Honestly..." Haechan brought your attention to his lips, while your hands reached to his chest with a blanket "You look very pretty tonight..." You pressed your palms against Haechan's chest when you felt his palm very up your thigh, you could feel his fingers tight on your bum. Your heart hitched, you needed immediate medical help but all you got is Haechan’s tightened grip as he felt your body lose balance and give in to him a little "Like, saying this as a friend, very pretty." he added, moving his hand up onto your waist to prove to you it was a friendly gesture indeed. Like he was just trying to help you keep your balance.

"Thank you." you gulped, reaching out to put one more blanket over the boys body, when you felt a little like giving in. It didn't really have to be all the way him, you felt like you had to give him something too. You couldn't really process your own thoughts let alone processing whatever was happening between you two. You sat back down onto your knees next to Haechan, smoothing out the blanket like a caring person over a sick someone. Haechan watched you intently, it almost felt like he could see the thought process inside you, not moving and giving you all the time you needed. You leaned in to him slowly, Haechan's hand sliding up your back the closer you got to him. Your eyes ran over his features, he was as attractive as you could remember him being that day you felt for the first time that he can be attractive. You thought back for a second and wondered if that day even was the first time you thought about him in that way.

You moved one of the hands that supported you from Haechan's chest onto his cheek. You really wanted to caress his cheek like that since that time he rested his head on your lap. You ran the fingers up the skin and it felt even softer than what you imagined. Haechan smiled under your touch, sincerely, you could feel that because you just witnessed him being sincerely happy with his friends. You were feeling overwhelmed with the fact he was right under you, open to anything you would suggest and do. He never felt more real and sincere than now even though he wasn't saying anything at all. You could feel your ears burn with everything you felt for Lee Haechan. His hand that now rested at the back of your neck didn't give you any pressure at all. It felt like it was there just in case you were about to dissappear and he'd catch you.

You pecked the corner of his lips quicker than he would be able to process it, quicker than you were able to process it yourself. Haechan's head moved in your direction as you were pulling away, he tried to catch your lips with his but you paced away and he let you move as far as you wanted to.

"I want more." He whined, moving his other hand onto your waist.

"As a friend?" you mused, feeling his hand crawl from the back of your neck to grip onto your face.

"Yeah, as a friend." he smiled even more, his palm now pulling you closer to him. You gave in kissing the other corner of Haechan's mouth. His eyes closed, letting you know he liked it. You smiled to yourself, you've seen Haechan at the peak of pleasure numerous times but somehow the face expression he made now made you the happiest. You pecked his jaw, peppering more confident kisses all the way down his neck, Haechan's fingers still holding onto your face in the process.

"Straddle me." he groaned, as you raised your head to wet your lips.

"My dress's too tight, I can't." your pointing finger touched his neck softly where the lipstick stain was visible, Haechan's skin reacted to the touch, sending chills to the back of his neck.

"Why'd you wear something like that..." Haechan looked you in the eyes. "Always trying to make things harder for me, even with the clothes you wear. Right, baby?" you held back a gasp the very last moment before it escaped your throat. It must've looked terrifying from Haechan's perspective, your face expression, like you were about to pass out just at the sudden pet name once again. You froze a little because it was hard for you to process the next steps. Haechan on the other hand moved under you, freeing his body of all those blankets you carefully placed on his body not that long ago. His legs spread more and you sat back on your heels to not get in his way and watched what he was up to. He pulled himself more against the backrest, trying to pull the pillow behind him to the side and making you giggle.

"These are sewed on this."

"Shit." Haechan swallowed a laugh, suddenly grabbing onto your thighs to guide you next to him on the other side of his body. His hand guarded your neck from the uncomfortable pillow-less side of the couch, comfortably wrapping around your body. His other hand guided your legs over his thigh and covered the both of you with the blankets. You kept your body a little distanced from Haechan, at least it's upper part. It only felt comfortable to rest your head on his chest, so you did that, making the both of you closer than before. Haechan slid his hand down to hug your waist and both your hands locked round his neck. It felt a bit surreal if you were to think about it, you were volunteerely snuggling with Lee Haechan of all people, at a party.

Haechan was finally done with piling back onto you all those blankets, creeping up a hand onto your cheek. It quite literally felt like a fever dream. Feeling Haechan's fingers on your freezing skin, while staring into your eyes so sweetly and deeply. Your heart skipped a bit when he licked his lips suddenly, making it feel like he'd lean in and kiss you now. He didn't, though, and it really felt like a teasing contest and despite both contestants very clearly dying to touch each other's lips and get lost in each other, they held back with the very last strings of sanity and didn't want to lose that competition. Haechan's fingers ran through your cheek consistently, you would've purred if he'd kiss you in reward.

"I feel dizzy." Haechan commented, breaking the silence between you two. Dear lord, if only the boy knew how dizzy you felt from keeping yourself composed.

"Are you sea sick? Did you have too many drinks?" you blabbered. It was a little too clear he didn't feel actually sick.

"No I'm dizzy because of you." He voiced out what you were feeling, you were so overwhelmed with his presence and his warmth and the fact he smelled so good and so... dear to your heart, your fingers pulled his neck more against your face. Haechan moved more, getting his lips against your cheek.

"I need you to know, I like you so much." his lips pressed against your cheek as he said it, making his nose press against you aswell. You felt like he entirely pushed you more against his body. You needed medical help, immediately. Your heart wasn't used to this sort of emotions.

"Shut up." you shot back immediately to hide the gasp that exceeded you, instead of a thought thrugh answer. You didn't expect him to be so blatant after all the pining you've put yourself through, you would've never guessed he'd say something like that. But then again, you were constantly proven you can never know what will be Haechan's next move.

"I'm serious." he pressed and forced your eyes to find his.

"How much did you have to drink?" you tried to back out. It was so terribly difficult for you to jump over the metaphorical wall so suddenly, let him know verbally that everything he felt was mutual. Surprisingly you turned out to be more stubborn in that sence than Haechan himself.

"I didn't have a single drink, which I know is not in any way relatable to you. Still, I'm not able to get your guard completely down and have your heart open for me." Your eyes ran down his neck and chest.

"It is, open." you mumbled. "I... you can clearly tell everything is the same for me? Don't make me struggle." Your fingers played with the fabric of his shirt on the shoulder, while your brain fought back and didn't let you say you liked Haechan even more than he could've imagined.

"Look me in the eyes, at least." He whispered and your eyes moved back to his face but were unable to focus on them. Haechan moved his head towards you at the same time and the second you caught up with his actions you felt his lips on yours.

Something between a moan and a cry exceeded your mouth. Your hands gripped immediately onto his neck with force, even if Haechan intended on keeping the kiss sweet and slow he quickly scratched those intentions when he could feel how badly you needed him.

He felt just like that last kiss that lingered on your lips for weeks. You loved his lips like that, warm, plump and all yours. He clearly was more than ready to speed up the pace and once it was clear the two of you were on the same page, Haechan deepend the kiss. He sucked on your lower lip, slowly turning you onto your back. He clearly forgot about your dress situation, trying to place himself between your legs.

Haechan's hand carefully held the back of your head to not hurt you from the solid armrests of the couch. Your tongues started a battle that was impossible to win. Haechan's other hand firmly gripped onto your waist, while his leg finally was able to get between yours. You almost found it in you to worry about the dress getting ruined and stretched out but you felt Haechan's mouth leave yours and the sudden breath of fresh air made yourself even more dizzy than before. You lost all the thoughts in your brain.

Your fingers ran through the boys hair, brushing the strands back and making a whole mess in place of his hairstyle. Haechan leaned back to peck your lips, then lowering his lips to your neck. You tightened your fingers in his locks, forcing a purr from his throat, that happend to land on your neck. Your hips moved against his thigh unconsciously, making yourself heated in a whole different way.

"Haechan." you half moaned. His tongue played with the skin of your neck, drawing tiny lines and sucking it in with his lips. As his chin moved the fabric of the dress lower down your skin, Haechan's licks and sucks became more aggressive, in addition with little bites you could feel him suck in a hickey at the base of your neck.

Your center rubbed against his thigh unconsciously, while you were shivering under his touch, creating friction for Haechan as well.

"This is just a little reminder in case you're black out drunk and won't remember what boundaries we overstepped." he pecked the skin that must've been red and moved his face back in front of yours.

"I am not." you smiled at him and let go of his hair to hold his cheeks between your hands. They felt so soft, so velvety, and the way you squeezed them between your palms made him look like the softest person ever.

"Then it's for me to know it wasn't just a fever dream." You smiled at him even wider, pulling his head closer and pecking his lips. Haechan kissed you back slowly, rubbing his body against yours in a very lazy manner. His mouth left yours, hiding his face against your neck, closer to your ear and nibbling on the skin there. It felt so good to have his body weight pressing you down that outside couch. You couldn't care less if someone was about to come outside, even if they did you wouldn't be able to move yourself an inch away from Haechan's body. Your only regret was that neither of you had magical powers so you'd be able to move to your bedroom this very moment and be able to have each other for the rest of the night.

"Kiss me more." you whispered needy. Even you were dreading the clothing choice by now, you needed his touch, you needed the feeling of his skin on yours, anything that would make you a little more closer to him would do.

You were starting to get greedy, only recently you thought you'd die just from the kissing and now you needed more and more.

Haechan raised his head and smashed his lips against yours, smirking for a slight second beforehand.

"So needy for my kisses and just a week ago you acted like you never wanted to kiss me." he mumbled into your mouth.

Haechan's body grinded against yours with full force now and you couldn't possibly ignore him getting hard on top of you. You definitely weren't about to have sex on the outside terrace of the boat and you hoped he didn't think of that either. You had to find power in you to stop before it got painful for him.

"Haechan-ah." you moved your head back only to be followed and caught with his lips once again. "Baby?" you placed your palms on his chest, pushing the boy away. You tried the pet name to get his attention and it clearly worked. Your own heart did a flip, you couldn't imagine what he felt, you definitely smashed a few layers of bricks on your metaphorical wall with a cannonball "Don't you think we need to slow down?" you asked softly, directing your eyes between your bodies. You felt like Haechan's cock twitched in his pants.

"Right." he cleared his throat and pushed his weight off your body, extending his arms to keep the distance. He stared at you for a good second, leaning back to peck you quickly. "I do need to cool down a little." you gave him a nod and watched him get up with a smile. You sat back on the couch, Haechan making himself comfortable right next to you. His pants did look terribly uncomfortable on him now, you noticed and you were hoping the cool wind would help him calm down quickly because it wasn't like you wanted to give him a blowjob in the middle of a party. Or more like maybe you did, but not right here in a public setting and besides that you wouldn't let him know even that you had the thought, he'd get even more excited than before.

"I'm sorry, I should've pulled you off me the moment I felt you." You moved closer and rested your chin on his shoulder. "Do you need a blanket?" you asked, Haechan's head turning in response and getting too close to you to resist to kiss him. Before he could answer you closed that centimetre between you and pecked his lips quickly.

"No, I need the calm down, don't kiss me." he grunted in a cute way.

"It's just a peck." you tried to hold back a smile.

"It's your needy stare and your lips on mine and everything else and I don't think I'm going to calm down while you're here."

"So you're excited just by presence?" you teased.

"Very much." He replied coolly.

"I'm never eating sugar again."

"Why?" he furrowed his eyebrows confused.

"Sugar combined with the new side of your personality will probably give me diabetes." you smiled at him expectantly, Haechan giggled, hiding his face in his palms.

"You're so stupid." he shook his head in his hands. "You're very lucky I'm blinded by love otherwise I would've booed you."

"It was a good joke." you mumbled, trying really hard to act nonchalantly at his words. Blinded by love, was he about to say he loved you right on that couch too? You were feeling sick to your stomach.

It got quiet between you two once again, you wondered what he thought of to calm himself down. You were just enjoying the comfortable silence right next to the boy you liked.

You sneaked your hand in the space between his arm and his thigh, facing it upward and extending your arm further, for Haechan to properly see it in his lap and be able to interact with it. You rested your cheek against his shoulder once again.

You were very much thankful for the cool breeze outside because your palm was currently sweating and the nerversness was crawling up your throat. You hoped the gesture was clear enough for him to act on it, but you closed your eyes in case of failure. Haechan shuffled under you and you opened your eyes to see what he was doing, and he was looking at you, bending his neck given your current position.

Once he saw you look back at him his head turned back to look down his lap, where your hand was. You couldn't feel how you started to bite your lip in nervousness but you could very clearly feel Haechan's freezing cold palm land on yours. You opened your fingers and as he did the same, you interwind your palms. His grip was tight around your fingers and you did the same, letting him know you were serious about it. Haechan forced your hands up and to his lips, kissing the back of your palm. You wrinkled your face in relieve, even though it seemed more like you were in pain, and kissed his shoulder.

He then proceeded to fall back against the backrest and you did the same, hands still in each other's hold. You sat hand in hand for a little while, feeling so good next to him without any excessive intimacy. You couldn't remember when or how both of you started kissing again. The kiss wasn't as passionate as before, the both of you filled that longing and now both your brains knew it ain't going to be the same as before, you won't have to hold back your feelings. You kissed steadily, Haechan's thumb slowly caressing your palm in his hold.

"We should go back." you mumbled through the kiss. "Your friends and my friends must be looking for us."

"They clearly aren't." he giggled. You smiled and couldn't agree more. You probably spent outside at least two hours, in which there was no signs of Eunsoo, the girl that promised to get you a drink.

"What if someone walks in on us being too explicit?"

"No one will, besides, i don't think we're in any way explicit by now."

"How'd you know? The doors are open. You're just lying to me, right?"

"No, Jeno keeps everyone occupied."

"You're lying?"

"I'm being serious, I'm not going to lie to you anymore."

"So you'll tell me why you skipped our presentation?" you voiced out the question you wanted to ask him for a while now.

"I-" he sighed like he was suddenly tired "Can I not?" he asked softly.

"No, you really hurt me. If we want to go further, I want to know why."

"It was the trial day for that stupid case. I totally forgot about it because I was with you all the time but Jeno texted me if I'm going to be on time the next day and I was so confused." Haechan trailed off, looking into the water, like he didn't want to tell you the bad news and you blinked multiple times to not get yourself worked up.

"What were you sentenced to?" You asked concerned but moreover scared. You were so scared it'd be something bad it'll break your heart.

"My case was closed for lack of evidence." You sighed loudly, not even trying to hide from him you were relieved. "I didn’t steal anything and I was clean because I was with you when they were doing shit..." Haechan looked you in the eyes again, squeezing your palm. "Its thanks to you I am here today with no probation period or some other shit. They made me come as a witness, but I don't really know anything and even if I did I would've never said a thing."

"I'm so glad you're fine." you let him know.

"I know. I should really stay next to you to stay out of trouble." you smirked and then giggled and hid your face in the crook of his neck next. Haechan stared at you teasingly and you couldn't resist running away from those eyes.

"Okay, maybe we should come back inside." you gave him a nod against his skin. "Can we stay close to each other for the rest of the night?"

"I have to see my friends too tho." you rose your head up to see him.

"And tell them all about me?" he smirked and you couldn't stop thinking how attractive he looked that very moment.

"No, Sua doesn't really like you. I have to prepare her before saying anything" You came up with the mildest version you could at the spot. You didn't want to make him upset and tell him neither of them seemed to like the idea of Haechan right next to you and you weren't in the mental state yet to explain to them everything. Or explain anything to him, it felt perfectly enough for you to just have this little secret between you two.

"But you do?" Haechan let go of your hand to enjoy your reply.

"Shut up." you teased, forcing yourself to unglue from the boy and stend up. It's needless to say it was a difficult task to finish.

Now that you could feel how breezy it was outside you wanted to just fall back into the warmth Haechan shared with you. You turned around checking out the boy that still sat on the couch, giving you a blank stare.

"You're staying here?"

"I'll follow behind." he smiled and watched you take a step away.

"Okay." you gave him a nod and walked away further, turning away to properly walk inside. You were getting cold with how long it was taking you to walk back in. As your feet almost brought you inside you turned around with the door half opened. Watching Haechan get up and walk around the couch towards you. His eyes were set on his phone and he probably thought you were already inside, when you ran back to him, catching him off guard mid-way.

"I need you to know too, that I like you a lot." you said in one breath, holding on to his waist. Haechan beamed a smile and you couldn't resist smiling back. His fingers quickly found your cheeks to hold you in place for a quick kiss before you finally turned around and walked back in, scanning the room for Sua, Eunsoo and Aeri.

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hatsukeii · 1 month ago

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"WE ARE THE BLOOD IN OUR...WAS IT VEINS OR ARTERIES AGAIN?" / T. KUROO

#4. READY PLAYER...15? | M.LIST | PREV. | NEXT. |

warning(s): biology, horrible reliance on academic validation

wc: ~1.4k

It is in the fifth week of biology tutoring that Kuroo Tetsuro finally gets somewhere with his pep talk. Just after the walls of text pertaining to cells with alphabetical names, disgustingly high definition photos of pus and wounds, and flowcharts that look more like gibberish than anything, is a segment filled to the brim with neurological complications and diseases. When Kuroo mistakenly discovered his magnum opus the night before, he was convinced that this might just be the light at the end of the tutoring tunnel.

"Hemorrhage...so blood needs to flow properly...that's it...!" He's mumbling to himself now, fully immersed in his personal thought bubble, and you stare blankly. His brow is furrowed, fingers picking at his lips in focus, as if he has just made some scientific breakthrough. For the first time in the past five weeks, he actually looks smart. Concentrated. Deserving of his valedictorian position. You'd hate for him to realise that his discovery is supposed to be common sense for biology students, so you bite your lip and shoot a hand towards his squinted eyes, snapping and waving to break him from his unimpressive epiphany.

“Why are you looking through the brain? We have an exam on immunity in two days?”

Kuroo freezes, his head lifting agonisingly slow to meet your eyes, and the stapled papers in your other hand. Truth be told, he has been unaware of any biology exam until this moment, the past week spent tormenting himself over the upcoming chemistry exam, conveniently scheduled for the day before- tomorrow. His mind wanders to two days prior, recalling your reminder to focus on understanding immunity, and his blatant dismissal of it at his newfound discovery of the brain's pep talk potential. Eyeing the papers in your hand, and making out the familiar A, B, C, and Ds on the first page, he tries to estimate the total combinations of answers he can possibly provide on a twenty question multiple choice test. He comes to the conclusion that it's a lot.

"I made you a mock exam, get it done and we'll spend tomorrow going through it."

You watch Kuroo spend five minutes on the first question alone, sigh beneath your breath (something you know he notices by how he mimicks it half-heartedly), then turn away to face your open laptop. As he goes through the five stages of grief on the paper, your keyboard clicks obnoxiously in front of him. He looks up to see you gnaw on your bottom lip fist pump, and scoffs dryly at a recognisable 8-bit tune sounding from your laptop's speakers. You're playing Tetris.

"Shouldn't you be working?"

"On what? The exam I made for you?" Your eyes don't leave the screen. A piece falls into the wrong spot, to which you click your tongue and grumble, pressing even more furiously at your keyboard.

Kuroo spends the next twenty minutes making some attempt at the paper, before handing it over to you, half-folded and face down. Scanning his work against your answer sheet, the pages become maps of red against black ink, and you stare at the glaring 2/10 that graces the top of his paper, just beside the sorry:( scribbled carelessly in the corner. You're not sure how it's even possible to achieve that after weeks of tutoring. Maybe you should be impressed, but all that consumes you is the visceral urge to crumple up the test and throw it at him.

"You ever thought about dropping biology?" Oh, if only you knew.

Kuroo's shoulders tense up now, and he thinks he'll turn away when you reveal to him the fruits of his twenty-minute labour. You slap the paper in front of him, watching the gears in his head turn as he soaks in the dismay of a new academic low. The gears in your head, on the other hand, are in desperate need of oil, jammed in place by sheer confusion as to how somebody so utterly incompetent at a subject has managed to worm his way into the position of to-be valedictorian.

"I don't know, it never occurred to me."

You grip your seat, feeling the blood rush to your fingertips. Well, maybe you should consider it, the thought rings in your eardrums, and your hand comes up to press against your temples. Meanwhile, Kuroo pokes and picks at his paper, playing with the edges between the pads of his fingers. He makes no sound, opting to let you wallow in disappointment at his incredulous failure. He probably deserves your silence right now.

"I told you to look through immunity, didn't I?"

"You did." Some insuppressible sensation bubbles in your throat at his acknowledgement.

"Did you?"

"...Possibly not."

You groan, shoving your head into your hands as your nails dig into your hair. Kuroo swallows as you slam your laptop shut, and shove it into your bag. He tries to check the time on his phone discreetly, head unmoving and eyes peering ever so slightly to the screen. There is still ten minutes until the end of the session.

"Coffee shop? My treat as an apology?"

You don't think he understands, as you keep stuffing papers and pens into your bag. Seriously, how is somebody this bad at a subject doing better than you across the board? What more will it take for your name to sit somewhere close to his on the ranking announcements, instead of down at #15, buried amongst the rest? When your placement flashes through your mind for a second, you pull the zipper on your bag extra hard, and yank it all the way around. Kuroo's head dips beneath the table, trying to find your face amidst your dismissal of his proposal. He hopes to God you did not go back to your caffeine addiction to create this mock exam, all for him to forget about studying and fail completely. Your bag disappears from the ground, and he shoots up from beneath the table, his head knocking into the edge, only to see you pushing open the door to the room. He collects all his pens into a pile, and wipes them into his own bag, before snatching it off the side of his chair and tailing after you.

"Hey, are you good?"

"I'm going home, don't feel like coffee today."

Your steps quicken, shuffling further from Kuroo as you hang your head low and speed walk across campus. The worthiness of this tutoring gig suddenly falters, the nights spent compiling notes following hours of gruelling studying finally beginning to seem as insane as it sounds whenever you explain your exhaustion to your peers. Call it jealousy, envy, disdain, whatever it is that is making your eyes twitch and your teeth grind against each other with each step, but you come to the bitter realisation that Kuroo Tetsuro is a better student than you ever will be, even if he's dropped 2/20 on a tutoring mock exam. A hand shoots out to your wrist, stopping you in your tracks.

"What's going on?"

"Why are you even asking for my help? You're valedictorian already, I'm not even close." Not close, inadequate, in fact. You are inadequate, and it is undeniable.

Kuroo freezes, eyes glazing over at your confrontation. He thinks about his pep talk; the brain, RNA, blood, and it all leads back to you. The bags beneath your eyes when you explain to him concepts he couldn't care less for, the times you have fallen asleep at the counter in the coffee shop the two of you frequent, your deadpan tone at his fumbles and distractions. He's been scamming you out of your time, and for what? So he can workshop a pep talk?

I'm valedictorian, but can't beat you in a single chemistry exam. I roped you into this gig for a pep talk. You can stop tutoring me, if that makes anything better. I'm sorry.

When Kuroo opens his mouth, you yank your wrist from his grip. He doesn't keep chasing you, but you almost wish he does. You imagine him telling you no, you are just as smart, if not smarter- God, being praised for your intelligence by a valedictorian sounds so good right now. You can almost hear it in your head, before your own voice butts in and shatters the fantasy.

You keep walking. He doesn't follow.

author's note:

not my best work:( i think writing think fast has rid me of the ability to do fluff/crack because that entire fic was so angsty and like nostalgia fueled... i think i just need to plan out the rest of this series and get back into the groove and we'll be all good though!! for the time being, hopefully this did the series justice anyways, and i'll hopefully update this with a better next chapter:)

tags: @staraxiaa @chuuya-brainrot @akaakeis @hiraethwa @kuroppiii @laughingfcx @she-lovesmyheartshapedsunglasses @cupidsblonde @catsoupki @bailey-reeds @wyrcan @fiannee @shoyosluver @haikyuusunsalad @kongkhoi

#kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu crack #kuroo fluff #kuroo crack #kuroo tetsuro #kuroo tetsuro fluff #kuroo tetsuro crack #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu!!#haikyuu kuroo #hq crack #hq x reader #hq fluff #hq imagines

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catslvrr · 1 year ago

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one too many years

kim minji x fem!reader | one shot

Synopsis: Minji comes back into your life after 3 years and asks you to take her on a drive, for old time’s sake. There’s a lot of feelings involved.

Contains: cursing

Playlist

You were fourteen when you first met Minji.

It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. You had seen her around, since you practically shared all the same classes, but never had the chance to interact one-on-one. She was merely a passing thought — that pretty girl who sat in the top ranks alongside you.

It was when the two of you had been paired up for a science project — something about a presentation on the digestive system, that you finally got to know each other. But not necessarily in a good way. You didn’t leave the best first impression after the first conversation.

You weren’t a hardworking person. But you weren’t stupid either. Growing up, you were used to being one of the smartest in the room. Teachers would always praise you for being naturally intelligent and academically gifted. You would do the bare minimum, leaving everything to the last minute, and yet always somehow end up with almost perfect scores.

You grew complacent, cruising through school with no worries in the world. So when you first started working with Minji, and she rambled on about meetups and splitting tasks and deadlines, you couldn’t help but internally scoff.

Minji pulled you out of your thoughts with a tap on the arm. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Huh?” You reflexively closed the MonkeyType tab.

“I asked what parts you wanted to cover,” she narrowed her eyes at you.

“Oh,” you waved dismissively. “Just give me what you don’t wanna do, and I’ll send you the stuff the day before it’s due.”

“What?” Minji scowled. “That’s way too late. I won’t even have time to proofread it and make the presentation pretty.”

“Two days?” You suggested with a half-smile.

She ran her fingers through her hair as she let out a sigh. “Three.”

“Okay, boss!” You grinned, opening up MonkeyType again and aggressively typing away, trying to beat your WPM record. “Done deal.”

Minji stared at you for a few seconds longer before huffing and turning to her laptop, starting her research.

(The two of you passed with flying colors, to no one’s surprise (except Minji’s), and that was when any grudges that Minji held against you flew out the window. Because if there was one thing Minji cared about, it was her grades.)

And that was how the two of you officially forged your friendship — Minji would always force you to be partners for any collaborative projects that came up, and you didn’t have anyone else to partner up with anyway.

You slumped back in your chair and balanced yourself on its hind legs, looking around the room in boredom. Everyone else seemed to be actually doing their work. Something about researching a famous author.

“Hey,” you bumped Minji’s knee with yours under the table.

She ignored you for a few minutes until she couldn’t stand the constant nudging. She stomped her foot on yours.

“Fuck!”

“What do you want?” She hissed under her breath.

“What’re you doing?” You leaned towards her, obnoxiously peering over her shoulder to scan the document she had opened. It was a bunch of gibberish, to you anyway, but it had a nice color coding system at least.

“Researching Sylvia Plath,” she muttered. “Something that you should also be doing right now.”

“You know I’ll get it done,” you smiled cheekily, casually draping your arm on her chair.

Minji chose not to reply. You watched her type up an analysis of one of Plath’s texts, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in your foot.

“…Have you ever tested your words per minute?”

She gave you a side-eye. “What’s that?”

You bit back a smile. You knew how competitive she was. “It’s just a measure of how fast you can type. Think the average is around 80 or something.”

You could practically see her ears perk up at the word ‘average’.

“Is that what you do every lesson?”

“Most of the time. Or I’m playing Octagon.”

“Am I meant to know what Octagon is?”

“I’ll introduce it to you next time.” You shifted Minji’s chair closer to yours and dragged your laptop to her. “Here, try it out. You just have to type the words on the screen for 15 seconds straight. The words are random.”

“Is that it?” She furrowed her eyebrows.

You nodded. “You can type whenever. The timer starts as soon as you type.”

You watched as she began furiously typing, almost poking holes through the keys. Your eyes flitted around the room, checking to see if anyone noticed Minji assaulting her keyboard.

“Damn,” you whistled as the final score showed up. “Not bad.”

“100 and it’s my first time,” Minji proudly beamed and cracked her knuckles. “I’m above average.”

“Alright, relax,” you laughed softly. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself, hotshot.”

“What’s your record?” She eyed you suspiciously.

You tried to hide your smirk as you shrugged nonchalantly. “Oh, nothing much. Just a measly 160.”

“What?” Her face dropped. “No way.”

“Yes way,” you nodded smugly. You successfully set the bait, now all you needed to do is reel it in. “There’s actually a website where we can ‘race’ against each other.”

Minji opened a new tab and swiveled her laptop in your direction, a doubtful look on her face. You smiled victoriously as you clicked your way to TypeRacer. Caught her.

The two of you spent the rest of the lesson racing against each other, Minji grumbling every time she lost (which was every round).

It was something else — watching Minji slowly unravel and open up to you. When you were expecting her to start homework early in class, she would ask you to get on TypeRacer instead. The two of you spent time playing other games too: Lavaboy and Watergirl, Tetris, Cool Math Games, and Octagon, of course.

Unfortunately, you still had to do work. There was an unspoken compromise that you could only get her to play games after you had finished the assigned work, so you actually ended up not procrastinating and finishing everything early for once (and in record time, too).

Becoming friends with Minji was easy. Seeing each other every day, you naturally grew closer and talked about everything under the sun. And eventually the two of you became inseparable. The two of you became known to be attached to the hip, never one without the other. You were proud of this, proud to be associated with such a good person, and you hoped Minji felt the same.

(Internally, you were surprised that Minji would choose to continue being friends with you outside of classes. There were better classmates out there. Regardless, you were grateful for the opportunity.)

You grew up together. You were there when she broke down in the bathroom after her speech on climate change because she thought she bombed it (she didn’t). You were there when she discovered the Harvard Reference Generator for the first time (she had written bibliographies by hand before this, which was absolutely mind-boggling to you).

Likewise, she was there when you were panicking at 5am because you hadn’t finished your history research paper on the Indo-China war that was due in two hours. She was there when you accidentally fell asleep in the library and almost missed the next class.

There was no better person to call a best friend. So it wasn’t much of a surprise that falling in love with Minji was even easier. There was no dramatic realization, no lightbulb moment where you suddenly stopped in your tracks and felt the world flip on your head as you thought Fuck, I like Minji.

It was quieter, creeping up on you, as if it was always there. As if it had already been written in fate. You do remember the first time you consciously admitted it though, cementing it in your heart.

Both of you were 15 by then. It was a languid Tuesday afternoon, and you were doodling random shapes as the teacher droned on about erosion and longshore drift. You lazily smiled as you observed Minji — the sharp slope of her nose, the crinkle in between her eyebrows, her tongue slightly poking out as she diligently wrote down notes.

Feeling your gaze on her, Minji turned to you and quirked her eyebrow, nudging you as she wrote ‘What are you staring at?’ on the margin of her notes. You shrugged innocently and looked away with a smile and burning ears.

She’s pretty, you thought. I like her.

Young love — it was naive and innocent. You would do stupid things to get Minji’s attention, like leaving your collar messy or ruffling your hair just so she would fix it. You remember making playlists with her in mind so you could zone out and daydream about her. You cherished these moments. You weren’t one to want, but you wanted Minji.

To you, Minji was the highlight of your high school experience. From sharing Airpods in class and queuing airhorn sounds to watch her jump in her seat when it blasted out of nowhere, to inviting yourself to her Google documents so that you could change the font to be unreadable and the color to a blinding neon pink, to receiving her Airdrops of cute puppy photos, to accidentally downloading viruses from trying to watch anime on illegal streaming websites, to taking Photobooth pictures of each other sleeping.

And this was enough for you. Habits were hard to break, and your longstanding tendency of procrastinating didn’t appear out of nowhere. It was rooted deeply in the fear of failure — you were so used to being good at everything on your first try, or without having to try at all, that you were scared that if you did try, and failed, people’s perception of you would change.

So procrastination was a way for you to control this fear; it provided a scapegoat, for if you ever failed, you could blame it on a lack of time rather than your own shortcomings.

This fear translated to your feelings for Minji too. You had never liked anyone else before, and you were terrified of failure, the unknown possibilities that came with confessing. You would rather swallow down your feelings and bury them deep within your chest than have to face rejection and lose your best friend.

(And it wasn’t like you thought you had a chance either. She had always been the smarter one, the kinder one, the more responsible one out of the two of you.)

And so you let the feelings fester in silence, all the way up to graduation. It wasn’t easy to hide your feelings, but it wasn’t hard either. You resorted to teasing Minji like you always did, and seeing her happy was enough. She stayed focused on her studies and continued to excel in all her classes.

Your job was just to be there for her, to be the one to help her relax and find respite from studying.

You were both 18 when you graduated high school. Minji was going away for university, somewhere far away where you couldn’t follow. You weren’t shocked — you always knew Minji was greater than this place. That’s how it always was in your head: she would go on to find success while you stayed behind in the shadows, cheering her on.

You had a plethora of things to thank Minji for. She never let you fall behind. Even if her kicks on your shin left bruises, at least it got you to stop playing Minecraft on your laptop and attempt to be productive.

It was embarrassing to admit that one of your biggest motivations to study and try was to be considered worthy as Minji’s friend. Not that you would admit it to anyone. You made it to graduation, and that’s what mattered.

You never liked saying goodbye to Minji, but you knew she would do well wherever she went. This goodbye wasn’t like the others, where you knew you could go to sleep with the promise that the two of you would meet at the school gates the next day.

It was more definitive.

You let out a long exhale as you leaned against the school gate, waiting for Minji to finish speaking to teachers, friends, and family who were congratulating her.

You watched as students filed out, chatting animatedly and taking photos together. You probably weren’t going to remember any of them. You plopped a lollipop in your mouth. It was strawberry-flavored, just how Minji liked it.

You smiled as you saw Minji coming out.

“Hey, Miss Popular,” you teased. “Done greeting all your fans?”

She rolled her eyes. “Are we going to get ice cream?”

“Yeah,” you pushed yourself off the gate and started walking to your car. “I thought that ceremony was never going to end. Tell me why every speaker kept yapping on and on.”

“Right,” she groaned. “I was trying my hardest not to fall asleep.”

The two of you walked in silence for a while before Minji broke it. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “The same, I guess. How about you?”

“Scared,” she admitted. “University seems like such a big change.”

“Yeah,” you said. You had been trying not to think about it. “You’ll be leaving in a few weeks, right?”

She bit her lip as she nodded. You both got in the car.

“Have you packed?”

“I’m about halfway done. It’s harder than I thought,” she complained sulkily. “I want to take everything with me.”

“Does everything include me?” You asked cheekily as you started the car, passing Minji your phone to pick a song.

“Absolutely not,” she deadpanned. “You would be the last thing I’d bring.”

“Liar. I’m way better than whoever you’re getting as a roommate.”

“Are we talking about the same person? I’ve literally seen the state of your room… it’s like a landfill in there.”

“No it’s not,” you said defensively. “It may be a little messy, but everything has its own place. It’s organized in its own way.”

“Sure,” she chuckled. “You keep telling yourself that.”

You pulled up to the place. You took a while to parallel park (Minji laughing at you while recording didn’t help), but you got it eventually. It was a quaint little store, and the two of you were regulars. You both got hooked after discovering this place when you got lost trying to find where you parked for a shopping trip.

You smiled when you heard the familiar chiming of the bell as you opened the door, the air-conditioning hitting you in the face. You chucked your lollipop stick in the bin. The store owner, a middle-aged woman from the area, looked up and waved in recognition.

She was sweet, sometimes giving you both an extra scoop or toppings if you showed her good test results (which was all the time). The only issue you had with her was that she kept trying to set Minji up with her son who was almost graduating from university.

“The usual?” She asked, already preparing your cups.

“Yes, please,” Minji answered with a polite smile.

You both sat down after collecting the ice cream with thank you’s and the payment (this one was on you). Minji would always get the cheesecake flavor (which you never understood and adamantly refused to try), while you would settle for the classic chocolate. Sometimes, if you felt adventurous, you would ask for pistachio.

“It’s hard to believe that this might be the last time I eat here for a while,” Minji said.

“I know,” you pouted. “The poor store is gonna lose so much money now that you’re gone.”

You winced as she kicked you under the table. You mentally noted to get your shin x-rayed at some point.

“You're so annoying,” she grunted. “Can’t you be sentimental for once?”

You were sentimental. Especially when it came to Minji. You just weren’t the type to show it. That was one of the differences between the two of you — Minji was straightforward and self-assured, never having trouble voicing her feelings. You, on the other hand, preferred to mask your emotions with humor and deflections, saying a lot without really saying much.

You liked that about Minji. It was definitely jarring when you were first getting to know each other, but you learned to appreciate her bluntness and honesty. It meant you didn’t have to overthink as much.

“I am sentimental!”

“You literally gave me a card that just said ‘HBD’ on it for my birthday. Actually, it wasn’t even a card! It was a post-it note.”

“That is sentimental…”

Minji glared at you.

“Okay,” you huffed, folding your arms. “Maybe it’s not. But it’s the thought that counts.”

“If you’re so thoughtful,” she tilted her head. “You wouldn’t mind helping me clean and pack, right?”

“…Fine.”

You regret not getting a parting gift for Minji when she left. Her departure was bittersweet, like all departures tend to be, with tearful promises to keep in touch. You never ended up confessing, and so you tucked away your feelings in the locked box that held all of your memories with Minji — the one you kept hidden in your closet, filled with birthday letters from her, polaroids, receipts and other miscellaneous collectibles from your time spent together.

The hardest part was watching her cry as she said goodbye, both to her family and friends. She had always been more of the crier between the two of you. You remember her pulling you in for a hug, her arms wrapped tightly around you as her tears stained your hoodie.

“I’ll miss you,” she sniffled. “Keep in touch, okay?”

“I’ll miss you too,” you mumbled, barely audible over the chatter in the crowded airport. “You’ll do great, just like you always do.”

She pulled back with a sad smile. “Thank you, Y/n. I’ll try to come back soon.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

You held back your tears on the drive home, only allowing yourself to cry when you reached the comfort of your bed.

You weren’t one to welcome change. You enjoyed the stability that routine brought. Minji leaving was a change that left a gaping hole nothing could fill. You always preferred solitude, but the loneliness that was gnawing at you because of Minji’s absence was hard to adapt to.

‘Keeping in touch’ never really works out the way you want it to. The first few months were fine, the two of you consistently Facetiming and texting as you both settled into uni life. Then as months went by, texts were less frequent, especially during exam season.

By the time you were both 20, communication was sparse between the two of you. The two of you were never avid texters anyway. You did chat from time to time, making small talk, or talking when there was something to talk about, like birthdays or a memory popping up on Snapchat.

Small talk with her wasn’t really small talk though. You savored every conversation, clinging onto past memories and what she made you feel.

It wasn’t really the same. Both of you knew this. You never held it against Minji, though. Watching her Instagram stories with her new friends and posts of her adventures brought you happiness. You hoped she was happy too.

But on the melancholic nights when you went out on drives to ease the emptiness, coasting through the sleeping streets with nothing but the moon to guide the way, you felt Minji’s ghost in the passenger seat. And if you tried hard enough, you could almost feel her presence, imagine her soft laughter.

You would always wonder if she was also thinking of you when she lay in bed at night, when she opened up a new document, or when she went and ate ice cream with her friends.

When the ache in your chest was too much to bear, you would roll down the window, find solace in the wind blowing against your face, and turn up the volume of your playlist to drown out your own thoughts. You felt silly for yearning for someone who was miles away now, both literally and metaphorically.

You were 21 when you met Minji again. It was the end of the year, so anyone who left was finding their way back home for the Christmas break. You knew she was coming back, you saw the stories of her packing and the pre-flight pictures.

This was the first time she was coming back — she couldn’t make it the previous three years. You didn’t know why, because you didn’t ask. You didn’t know if you still had a place to ask.

She texted you and asked to hang out. It didn’t really come to fruition until one unsuspecting Friday night. You were playing a parkour map on Minecraft when you received a call notification from her. You almost dropped your phone when you saw it.

“Hello?”

“Y/n, hey.”

You wiped the sweat off your palms. It had been a while since you last heard her voice.

“Did you need something? It’s almost midnight…”

You heard her scoff over the phone. “Don’t act like you go to sleep early.”

“I’m not! It’s just, you know, pretty random for you to call out of nowhere. Especially at this time.”

There was a short pause. You set your phone on your lap as you continued to make your way through the parkour map, distinctly tasting the strawberry flavor of the lollipop more now, for some reason. You knew why.

“Are you seriously playing Minecraft right now?”

You stopped. “…Maybe. How'd you know?”

“I can hear you smashing the space button,” she laughed, sounding almost fond. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

You cleared your throat to fight the embarrassment. “Anyways. What’s up?”

“Oh, right. I know it sounds crazy, but do you wanna go on a drive?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah. For old time’s sake, you know. And I miss you.”

“Um,” you got off your bed and opened your closet. “Sure.”

“You’re driving by the way.”

You rolled your eyes. “Thanks for letting me offer.”

You grabbed a familiar hoodie. It was Minji’s. You remembered Minji stealing your hoodie, and giving one of hers to you as a peace offering. You both agreed that the swapped hoodies were a better fit for each other. You decided to wear another one.

“I’ll pick you up in 15?”

“See you soon!”

“Wow,” Minji said as you pulled up in her driveway. “New car?”

She was still so pretty. You temporarily discarded the lollipop stick in the cup holder before popping your head out of the window. “Get in, loser.”

“I kinda miss your old one,” she clicked her seatbelt in as you started to reverse out.

“You sure about that?” You asked incredulously. “The air conditioning didn’t work half of the time. And the window on your side couldn’t fully roll down.”

Minji shrugged. “Still held a lot of memories.”

You both smiled as you reflected on the many nights spent in the old junk: belting your hearts out on highways, feasting on fast food in empty parking lots, sitting on the hood at lookouts that flaunted the city’s charms. You put on your playlist that you always had on loop whenever you thought about her.

“Speaking of memories,” she continued. “I see you still have this little guy.”

She poked the bobblehead of a monkey wearing sunglasses. It bobbled. She bought it on a whim at one of those quirky souvenir stores because the two of you were both born in the year of the monkey. Little Guy had been here for a while, since your old car.

“New car felt pretty empty,” you said. “I couldn’t live with the guilt of throwing him out.”

What you didn’t say: I have a bad habit of hoarding anything that reminds me of you.

“That’s good to hear,” she grinned, reaching into her pocket. “Because I bought him a friend!”

You glanced at Minji in amusement while the light was still red. She carefully placed the new bobblehead next to Little Guy. It was another monkey one, slightly taller than the original, and it was posing with a peace sign.

“Where’d you find that?”

“Pure coincidence,” she explained. “I was out shopping with my friends one day and I saw it. I knew I had to get it.”

You tried to focus on the road as thoughts began racing through your head. She still thought about you. That was good to know.

“Thanks.”

You bit your lip as there was another lull in the conversation. There would always be so much to say back then.

“I can't believe it’s been three years,” is what you settled for.

“Yeah,” Minji’s eyes softened. “It has.”

You tightened your grip around the gear stick. “How are things over there?”

“Really good,” she answered. “Besides university. That’s always a pain in the ass, no matter where you are.”

“That’s good to hear,” you said. And you truly meant it.

“I get homesick a lot, though,” she confessed. “I miss the food, my room, everything. You should visit one day.”

“Maybe,” you pursed your lips. “I’m super broke after buying the new car, though.”

“Do you still do the tutoring thing?”

“Yeah. It’s relatively easy and brings the money in.”

“I still can't believe you willingly tutor math.”

“And I still can't believe you don’t tutor. You’re so much smarter than me.”

“That’s not true,” she frowned. “But, I’m glad you bought the new car. So I don’t have to drive.”

You sighed in mock frustration. “Three years and you’re still a passenger princess.”

She only laughed in response. “Enough about me. How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. Just living life.”

Heat washed over you as you felt Minji’s intent gaze on you. There was always something so compelling about her, the fact that she could disarm you easily and make you feel unguarded.

“Uni sucks,” you continued hesitantly. “I’m still procrastinating. And playing Minecraft during my lectures.”

“I was wrong,” she said with a hint of a smile. “You’ve changed.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “I have?”

She tilted her head slightly, still studying you. “You seem more… withdrawn. And grown-up. Weary, even.”

“I’m the same as I always was,” you said, but you weren’t too sure who you were trying to convince. Maybe spending all this time alone along with the inevitability of growing up did change you.

“I’m still amazing at typing. None of my friends have beat my record yet.”

“Of course you still brag about that,” Minji rolled her eyes.

She turned to face the window again, watching the scenery that rushed past.

“But, my point still stands. You have changed. Since when was I the one to lead the conversation?” She asked playfully, but you knew there was some truth behind it.

Younger you would jump at the opportunity to hang out with Minji and talk her ears off. When the two of you started to grow apart due to the long distance, you subconsciously stopped initiating conversation. You just wanted to quell your feelings and move on as soon as possible. It worked, for the most part, you think.

Until tonight, that is. Seeing her again after all these years fostered emotions you weren’t sure you wanted to face. You’d never tell Minji any of this, though.

“You’ve changed too,” you said. “You look older. Hag.”

“Rude,” she scoffed and pinched your hand on the gear stick.

“I’m joking,” you continued with a faint tug on your lips. “You carry yourself lighter now. But you still have that maturity about you.”

She leaned back in satisfaction at your response, humming in acknowledgement.

“By the way, did you have a destination in mind?” You blurted out. “Cause I’m just driving mindlessly, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine,” she murmured, her gaze lingering on you. She could always read you like a book. You hoped that these years changed that. She could probably feel the nervousness and awkwardness radiating off you.

You welcomed the silence as you tapped on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the current song, processing what was happening. Minji was here, in the car, with you now. Just like how it used to be. A different car now, though. And a different her. A different you, too. You had missed her so much, but now that she was here, you didn’t know how to feel or what to say.

You took a last-minute turn, deciding to drive on a path that you knew all too well, one you could practically drive with your eyes closed.

(Pass by the park where you would force Minji to push you on the swing. Keep driving straight until you reach that one flickering street lamp, then turn right. Continue driving, cross three roundabouts, then turn left on the fourth, driving onto a rocky road.)

Minji smiled as she recognized the destination.

You parked the car and the both of you hopped out, feet on the gravelly surface. You had walked on this ground so many times now that it was basically ingrained into your feet. The two of you sat on the hood of your car. It was a bit chilly, but the hood was still warm from the engine.

Minji breathed out deeply. “This view never gets old.”

“No,” you murmured in agreement. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Did you still come here?” She turned to look at you. “When I was gone, I mean.”

“Sometimes.”

The two of you continued to take in the view, both lost in your own thoughts.

You always wished you could capture a moment in time, especially the moments with Minji: the light fluttering in your chest, the quiet intimacy you two shared. This moment was no different.

Nostalgia was a deceiving thing. You had dreamt of this moment so many times — meeting Minji again. That it would be like the polaroids you kept at home, give you peace of mind, provide you with some sort of comfort. It was silly of you to think that, too idyllic and quixotic. Maybe it was a good thing that you’re not as optimistic anymore.

You could barely contain your shock when the next words came out of Minji’s mouth.

“I loved you, you know.”

You swallowed down the hope that started to rise in your chest like water. You didn’t want to drown in the feelings you had suppressed long ago.

“I loved you too,” you said warily, slightly confused. “You were my best friend.”

The use of past tense left a bitter taste in your mouth. But you were afraid she had moved on, found new friends and found a home in them.

Minji smiled wryly. “I meant that romantically. As in more than best friends.”

You took in a sharp breath. You wanted to cry. All those years I spent wanting, you thought, and she loved me too.

“You loved me?” You whispered in disbelief, wringing your hands together.

There was an unreadable look on her face. “You say that like it’s hard.”

Isn’t it? You wanted to say. What could you possibly have loved? The tight squeeze on your chest was persistent, uncompromising to your pain.

“I loved you too,” you said quietly. You had always thought confessing would lift the weight off your shoulders, free your heart from the burden of hiding. You never felt more hopeless than in this moment, though. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How could I?” Minji replied as she sagged her shoulders, her voice small. “I was so sure you only saw me as a friend. You were always teasing, so I didn’t know if you were seriously flirting or not. And you’re not the emotional type… I couldn’t tell how you felt about me.”

“I’m sorry,” you exhaled shakily. “You seemed so focused on your grades and your work, I thought I never stood a chance.”

“You don’t need to apologize. We were both stupid,” she shook her head with a chuckle. “I can’t believe teasing was your only way of showing affection. I think tonight’s the first time I’ve heard you say ‘I love you’.”

You never wanted to say it, because you felt guilty that it meant something else to you than it did to her (or you thought it did). You wanted to give your younger self a kick in the shin.

Minji’s eyes were glassy, shining with unhushed tears, and you wanted to reach out to her. Your hands were resting on the hood of the car, only centimeters apart. If you were brave enough, you would inch your finger closer, ever so slightly, to brush against hers.

But you were never courageous.

You felt like you were suddenly 14 again, staring at your laptop screen, staying up late to finish your Sylvia Plath research task, reading an excerpt from The Bell Jar. You had stared at the fig that held the possibility of you being Minji’s for so long, never daring to believe it, and watched it die. And the way your heart plummeted now was the fig dropping at your feet.

You tried to not let the quiver in your voice show. “Do you think things would be different now if one of us confessed back then?”

“Of course it would be,” Minji smiled ruefully. “But there’s no point in thinking about it too much. What’s done is done.”

She was right — what-ifs were a dangerous rabbit hole to find yourself in. You didn’t know which was more paralyzing: the fear of ‘what if Minji rejects me’ from back then, or the regret of ‘what if I had confessed’ now. It’s always so easy to berate yourself for making the wrong choice once you know the outcome.

Then, as an afterthought, she added, “I wonder how the younger versions of us would react to us now. I don't think they'd recognize us."

You laughed softly. “No, they wouldn't."

The two of you spent a few more minutes in silence.

“You’ll be leaving again in a few weeks, right?”

“Yeah,” she checked her phone, hopping off the hood. “We should head back. It’s almost 2am.”

There was so much left unsaid. But if you had learned one thing from tonight, it was that things were different now. This is how things were meant to end. Sometimes, things just don’t work out, and you just have to learn to live with it.

You should’ve realized how stuck you were in the past, your mind refusing to accept the fact that everything has changed. And that everything will continue to change.

There was a certain sense of freedom in the conversation on the way home, like the two of you knew that you wouldn’t get something like this again. You reminisced and laughed about the good old times, and you think that this was enough. This is what you needed.

Letting go can be a beautiful thing as much as it is painful. And love isn’t something you ever stop doing, or feeling, it’s always present in whatever fig you choose to grab, and it transforms into what it wills. You’ve chosen yours, and Minji’s chosen hers. You’ll always love her, just not how you used to.

“Thanks for the ride,” Minji clumsily pulled you in for a hug (it was a bit cramped because you were both in the car). “Take care of Little Guy and Big Guy.”

There weren’t any promises to keep in touch this time, and that was okay. If you were to ever see each other again, then nature will take its due course.

“Enjoy your time back here, Miss Popular,” you smiled. “I’ll see you when I see you.”

You watched Minji exit the car. There was a fleeting spark of hope as she lingered at the door, but you quickly shut it down. You weren’t the kids you used to be. But maybe in another lifetime, things would end up differently.

Your eyes followed her as she walked to the front door, waving at you before entering the house and closing the door behind her. You waited until you saw her bedroom light turn on through the window.

You started the drive back home and turned up the music, deciding to take the long way.

#newjeans x reader #newjeans fanfic #newjeans fic #kim minji x reader

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bakersimmer · 2 years ago

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Sims 4 Flower Garden Legacy

This legacy is inspired by flowers and the meanings attributed to them. I used the interpretations from two books I found on my mother's bookshelf.

These are more like guidelines and thoughts on how to make your different generations more interesting, especially if you are like me, and you need goals and challenges to stay engaged. I didn't have time to playtest all the generations, but I know it's possible to push your sims to the limit without cheating.

First things first

TS4 is easy enough to play without cheating

Different generations are linked to different expansions

Objectives are not in chronological order

To add more excitement, try out different mods

There are no assigned traits, but some traits would make your sims life easier. Follow your gut on this

There are no assigned colors. Again, follow your gut

English is not my first language, so please ignore any grammar mistakes 🙃 unless I wrote complete gibberish and you don't understand a single word in a sentence, then let me know

G1 Azalea

Azalea symbolizes friendship, family, joy, and tradition. With the right amount of sunlight and water, this low-maintenance plant will bring an abundance of color and beauty to your life.

You have a gentle and nurturing personality, with a talent for caring for others and creating a warm, welcoming environment. You prioritize spending time with loved ones and creating meaningful connections with others in your community. You find joy in the beauty of nature and have a passion for gardening and spending time in the kitchen.

Aspiration: Big Happy Family

Have at least three kids

Develop the highest possible skill level in cooking, baking, gardening, flower arranging, and parenting

Have some kind of social event with family and friends every Saturday (dinner, bbq, etc.)

Grow at least 10 different types of flowers in your garden (As of May 2023, there are 24 flowers in the game)

Use only low to mid-range furniture and appliances. Never replace anything, fix it yourself

To make money, you can only sell what you have grown or made yourself (vegetables, flower arrangements, preserves, cakes)

G2 Hollyhock

Hollyhock symbolizes ambition, abundance, resilience, and determination. With little care, this tall and sturdy flower will bring vibrance to your garden.

You always felt like you had to compete for the attention. You are highly ambitious, striving to achieve your goals and exceed expectations. While putting a lot of emphasis on your education and career, you neglect your close relationships. You struggle to express your feelings and connect with others on an emotional level. Despite all this, you are a loyal and supportive partner who does everything to show your feelings in a more practical way.

Aspiration: Academic -> Fabulously Wealthy

Complete the first aspiration and move to the next one

Get the best possible grades in elementary school, high school, and university

Have a career in business. You aim for the top

Marry the first sim you have a romantic relationship with

You are the breadwinner. The spouse quits their job after marriage and never works again

Don't spend much time with your child/children

Your home has medium and high price items. When something breaks, you always replace it with a new one

Pass the family money to the next heir

G3 Hydrangea

Hydrangea symbolizes vanity, arrogance, and desire. With little care, hydrangea brings elegance to your garden with its large and showy blooms.

You are highly creative and have a refined sense of style. Being in front of the cameras feels natural to you. You are self-centred and tend to prioritize your needs and desires above those of others. Thanks to your skills and fame, you accumulate a large amount of wealth.

Aspiration: World-Famous Celebrity

Develop the highest possible skill level in charisma, comedy, and acting

Go to a club/restaurant at least twice a week

Have one Meet and Greet in every season

Use mean interactions often

Change your hair color at least 3 times in your life

Hire a butler

In old age, an unexpected wave of generosity hits you, and you donate all your wealth

G4 Yarrow

Yarrow symbolizes strength, courage, overcoming and recovery. This flower will grow even on the poorest soil and doesn't require any care to thrive.

You grew up in luxury and wealth, but now you have nothing. Despite the obstacles, you are determined to provide for yourself because you want a stable and secure life. It is very important for you that your children are equipped with the necessary skills to be independent and successful by the time they move out.

Aspiration: Renaissance Sim -> Super Parent

Complete the first aspiration and move to the next one

Start with 0 money and a tent

In addition to work, dumpster dive to find valuables that you can sell (Don't sell collectibles or paintings/music/books for extra cash)

Attend different skill classes

Choose medicine as the last career and work in that field until retirement

Fall in love with a patient and end up marrying them

All your kids must gain a Top-Notch-Toddler trait

Always help your children with homework/school projects

All your kids must gain at least one positive character value trait

G5 Gardenia

Gardenia symbolizes sensuality, passion, and secret love. This sweet and intoxicating flower requires a little bit more attention from its grower.

You have a magnetic personality and natural charm. You are a hopeless romantic who tends to get caught in the passion and excitement of new relationships. You avoid long-term commitment because you fear that the daily routine will kill the excitement and passion. For that one special person, you are willing to take a chance on love despite your fears.

Aspiration: Serial Romantic -> Soulmate

Complete the first aspiration and move to the next one

Have a childhood friend who later becomes your soulmate

Work in Public Relations (Social Media career)

Get married at least 3 times

Woohoo in 10 different locations (As of May 2023, there are 23 locations/ways on the list)

No kids until adulthood

Reconnect with your childhood friend and settle down with them

G6 Protea

Protea symbolizes dreams, exploration, courage, and resilience. This plant needs a lot of space and sun to grow. It should not be planted deeper than the surface level of the soil.

You have a strong sense of wanderlust and a need for adventures. You love new experiences and cherish old memories. For you, a job is just a means to an end.

Complete two adventure/location-based aspirations

Develop the highest possible skill level in fitness, photography, programming, and logic

Work as a freelance programmer

Complete the postcard collection

Move repeatedly and live in at least 3 different worlds

Settle down in one of the desert/warm climate worlds (Oasis Springs, StrangerVille, Sulani, Del Sol Valley, or Tartosa)

Go on a family vacation in every season

G7 Snapdragon

Snapdragons symbolize passion, deception, denial, duality, and strength. This eye-catching, mostly warm-colored flower spices up your garden.

You are a master of deception, leading a double life. At first glance, you appear ordinary or even mundane, but looks are deceiving. Beneath your boring surface lurks something more sinister. Your purpose in life is to make others' lives a living hell because seeing them suffer is your favorite pastime. You are very passionate about your hobbies...maybe even a little fanatical.

Aspiration: Chief of Mischief

Develop the highest possible skill level in mischief, singing, piano

Fight with 5 different Sims

Become a Triple Agent (Secret Agent Career)

All your kids have to play one musical instrument at the highest possible skill level before they become young adults

All your kids have to have one negative character value trait

G8 Daffodil

Daffodil symbolizes new beginnings, rebirth, truth, and creativity. Daffodils love sunlight and well-drained soil. Therefore, the best growing place for this flower is an open and raised flowerbed.

You are a detail-oriented individual driven by a deep desire to uncover the truth. While searching for the truth, you stumble on a secret that will profoundly challenge your worldviews. You are loved and supported by your community, who admires your dedication.

Aspiration: StrangerVille Mystery & Friend of the World

Work as a journalist

Be a member of at least two clubs and host club meetings every week

Solve StrangerVille Mystery

Get married to a sim who helped you defeat the Mother Plant

Host at least 8 different types of social events in your lifetime (As of May 2023, game has 25 different social events)

All your kids have to complete the Social Butterfly aspiration

G9 Rudbeckia

Rudbeckia symbolizes justice, fairness, motivation, and optimism. Rudbeckia is a hardy flower that loves evenly moist soil but can also survive drought and scorching sun.

You are a highly principled individual deeply committed to upholding justice and protecting others. You are willing to make great sacrifices to ensure that justice is served. After work, you enjoy creative pursuits which allow you to unwind from the stresses of your work. You desire balance and harmony in your home life.

Aspiration: Painter Extraordinaire

Develop the highest possible skill level in wellness, painting, knitting, and cross-stitching

Work as a detective

Have a romantic relationship with one of the suspects but break it off eventually

Own a house with a large and luscious backyard where you spend most of your free time

Be strict with your kids, and never miss an opportunity to discipline them

All your kids have to earn the Emotional Control trait

G10 Lavender

Lavender symbolizes spirituality, intuition, devotion, and growth. Lavender needs a lot of light and warmth. Although this flower looks hardy, it's highly receptive to changes in the soil.

You are fascinated by the concept of magical and mystical, so you spend a lot of your time exploring spiritual practices and rituals to connect with this hidden world. You are determined to connect with and become part of the supernatural world. You have a soothing energy that puts others at ease.

Aspiration: Choose a vampire, spellcaster, or a werewolf aspiration

Develop the highest level of Medium skill

Work as a paranormal investigator

Become a friend with a vampire, spellcaster, or a werewolf

Become a vampire, spellcaster, or a werewolf

#ts4 #sims 4 #ts4 legacy #sims 4 legacy #sims 4 flower garden legacy #ts4 flower garden legacy #flower garden legacy

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 4 months ago

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[ Link: https://doi.org/10.1111/birt.12844 ]

When I say that the Humanities is rife with academic fraud, I worry that people think I'm kidding, being hyperbolic or otherwise exaggerating. On the contrary. It's not possible to undersell it.

All of this is fake. It's bogus. It's fraudulent. It does not exist.

And yet, people are being given credentials and injecting fantasy into our sense and knowledge-making processes for what is the scholarly equivalent of air guitar.

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bcolfanfic · 3 months ago

Note

~ person a and person b staying up so late to talk to each other without even paying attention to the time. and then they fall asleep on the phone with each other ~

this on “mutual crush prompt list” but was wondering if we could change it up a little bit for angst purposes and make it so its the first work trip buck has to take months after bucky’s suicide attempt so they’re on the phone all night.

my babiess. for new-to-me folks, this is based off my young veterans modern au- specifially this fic.

---

John unlocked his phone, relocked and unlocked it again, squinting at the brightness before he swiped up to lower it.

10:50

He'd talked to Gale four hours ago and they'd said their goodnights then. It was even later in New York- almost one in the morning to be exact.

Gale was probably asleep or getting close to it, and John didn't want to call him. Wanted to let him rest before he had to go be in academic mode all day, wanted to prove to himself just as much as his husband that he could get through a night alone.

But the longer he laid in the dark the itchier he felt.

There was something in a flask under the mattress that would take the itch away without waking Gale- the only thing keeping him from it being how tired he was down to the bone. Too tired to lift the mattress.

He swiped open to Gale's contact and pressed the small phone icon, sucking in the right side of his cheek.

It barley rang twice before he picked up.

"Hey hon," He said softly, and if he hadn't been asleep he sounded like he was getting pretty close to it. "Everything okay?"

"Mhm." John said, letting his cheek back out with a small exhale. "Sorry if I woke you."

"Don't be. But you know I gotta ask again. You okay?"

Gale Gale Gale. Ever the perceptive one.

"Don't wanna make you feel guilty for going." He said quietly, eyes fixated on a thread coming loose in their comforter. He hated that he could feel his eyes starting to sting. Being vulnerable was still, as his therapist referred to it a skill there was room for progress on.

Whether he knew somewhere in his head that Gale needed no prompting to feel hesitant about going to this conference was irrelevant. John had practically had to push him through the automatic doors of the airport terminal when he'd dropped him off, but guilt clawed at him anyways.

"Hey- no." Gale said on the other end, and John could hear him sitting up a little. "Not gonna do that, so tell me what's going on?"

"Just miss you." He said. "I'm not feeling bad y'know?" He continued, opting for a euphuism- not wanting to say the words that'd be needed to spell it out exactly out loud. "Just weird being alone I guess. I dunno."

It was quiet for a moment, like it always got when Gale figured he might have more to say when he actually did.

"Think you might be able to get some sleep if I stay on the line till you're out?" He said finally, so tender for someone who had to be up in just about five hours that it made John's chest tight.

"Don't have to do that." John replied, predicting the protest he got before it left Gale's mouth.

"Yeah, well I want to- so let me? Can bore you to sleep with physics gibberish."

A small, tired, laugh escaped John at that as he rolled back down onto his stomach, resting his phone on Gale's side of the bed. "'kay," He said, voice half muffled by his pillow. "I'm all ears."

Gale kept to his promise in regard to the psychics talk, and even when it was saying a whole lot of things that he'd still struggle to understand fully awake, his voice made John's chest warm. Made his shoulders feel like they could actually relax, the itch shedding off just enough for him to let sleep pull him under.

#young vets au #buck x bucky #clegan #masters of the air

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fictionfixations · 6 months ago

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this man makes me feel so dumb

(ive typed down his text in case you cant see the imgs but im not sure how it reads in a screen reader or whatever its called i cant remember. like if i should clarify 'in a text message, dr ratio states' or describe the characters appearance in the profile pic??? anyway if there are any typos or wrong words know that dr ratio has turned my brain into mush just by appearing so um)

[Dr. Ratio: The esteemed University of Veritas Prime has once again commenced its enrollment proceedings. Do you, perchance, harbor aspirations for further refinements and scholarly pursuits?]

i was so confused but also immediate 'NOOO' that it took me a few minutes to realize that this wasnt gibberish and i could actually understand what he was saying

[Dr. Ratio: Interstellar voyages necessitate a wealth of erudition, lest one may very well perish amidst perils unknown.]

and then immediately gets hit with words i dont know

[Dr. Ratio: Are you privy to the demarcation between philosophy and science?]

[Dr. Ratio: I would not recommend this discipline to neophytes.]

im just. SIR. talk to me like im a 5 year old 😭

(i think he's saying he'll basically pen a recommendation letter or whatever the fuck but im a dumbass who doesnt understand shit unless its blunt and to the point so idk maybe im wrong)

[Dr. Ratio: Do ponder upon it with due diligence before tendering your response, and should you require it, I shall gladly lend my quill to pen a commendatory missive to your benefit.]

also we really just respond with short msgs and then he just goes brr..

[Trailblazer: Understood.

Dr Ratio: You may need more time for careful consideration.

Beware of those who only extol the virtues of an academic discipline without candidly acknowledging its challenges.

I have met numerous students brimming with enthusiasm, only to witness their eventual departure, ensconced in disillusionment and despondency.

Hence, any academic decision should be approached with utmost caution.

Though it may sound harsh, not everyone is suited for the scholarly pursuit.]

(anyway CHILL its SUMMER let me pretend school doesnt exist)

#dr ratio #veritas ratio #hsr #honkai star rail

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burningvelvet · 10 months ago

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A very long analysis on Heathcliff, his relationships, and his origins: or, how Wuthering Heights drove me insane :)

Links to my previous WH analysis (which aren't required to read this post!): 1) my post analyzing heathcliff & his relationships with cathy2.0/isabella/hareton / 2) smaller post analyzing heathcliff & the earnshaws in relation to theories about his parentage / 3) misc. heathcliff/cathy analysis

On Heathcliff's origins, his mysteriousness, and his arrival to Wuthering Heights:

As I mention in that 2nd link, I think the theory of Heathcliff being Mr. Earnshaw's son is an interesting theory of conjecture because even if not true (and it probably isn't) it allows us to more deeply explore the generally accepted basis of the canon, which is that Heathcliff is not related to them, but nevertheless is still caught between the labels of "family" and "outsider," just like he would have been if he had indeed been a bastard, a step-child, or even more formally adopted. Under Mr. Earnshaw's wishes Heathcliff shares a room with the children, he is given equal gifts and clothes as them, and he is preferred over Hindley. And while he may not be in line to inherit legally, he ends up inheriting anyway, an idea which lends itself to the novels Joseph-approved theme of predeterminism/fate.

So I'm not dead-set on any singular interpretation or theory as to Heathcliff's role in the story or the details of his background. Much of his character is inherently mysterious: his race and age are unknown, his family history and origins are unknown, what he was doing for 3 years of Cathy's marriage and how he acquired his wealth are unknown, some of his feelings and motives are highly debatable (as I discussed in my post about his odd dynamics with Cathy 2.0, Isabella, & Hareton: https://www.tumblr.com/burningvelvet/738901817580290048/my-analysis-on-heathcliff-and-his-relationships), & whether English was his first language is also questioned (many people including myself have wondered at the line where we're told he "repeated over and over again some gibberish that nobody could understand," though it could have just been panicked child's speech).

Many academics have noted how Wuthering Heights follows various testaments of the Gothic literary tradition, not only by the involvement of death, violence, ghosts, etc., but also in the use of incestuous themes (whether literal or metaphorical) and the use of the Other in Heathcliff, aided by the mysteries of his origins and his racial ambiguity.

As for Heathcliff not revealing much about his childhood, I believe this part of it could be due to trauma as well as regular childhood amnesia. He may not remember anything. A lot of people don't have many memories from before the age of ~6 anyway — and I just looked it up— his real age is never given but he is believed to be around the same age than Cathy who was described as "hardly six years old." I had thought they were a little older for some reason. He's also said to have been "speaking gibberish" which I once considered may have been indicative of a foreign language and/or accent but now, because of his age and probable low background, it may have been due to his just being very young and maybe unsocialized and shy. It actually makes my heart ache when Nelly describes him :(

Here's an excerpt from chapter 3 describing Heathcliff's childhood:

"He threw himself into a chair, laughing and groaning, and bid them all stand off, for he was nearly killed—he would not have such another walk for the three kingdoms.

'And at the end of it to be flighted to death!' he said, opening his great-coat, which he held bundled up in his arms. 'See here, wife! I was never so beaten with anything in my life: but you must 'en take it as a gift of God; though it's as dark almost as if it came from the devil.'"

We crowded round, and over Miss Cathy's head I had d peep at a dirty, ragged, black-haired child; big enough both to walk and talk: indeed, its face looked older than Catherine's; yet when it was set on its feet, it only stared round, and repeated over and over again some gibberish that nobody could understand. I was frightened, and Mrs. Earnshaw was ready to fling it out of doors: she did fly up, asking how he could fashion to bring that gipsy brat into the house, when they had their own bairns to feed and fend for? What he meant to do with it, and whether he were mad? The master tried to explain the matter; but he was really half dead with fatigue, and all that I could make out, amongst her scolding, was a tale of his seeing it starving, and houseless, and as good as dumb, in the streets of Liverpool, where he picked it up and inquired for its owner. Not a soul knew to whom it belonged, he said; and his money and time being both limited, he thought it better to take it home with him at once, than run into vain expenses there: because he was determined he would not leave it as he found it. Well, the conclusion was, that my mistress grumbled herself calm; and Mr. Earnshaw told me to wash it, and give it clean things, and let it sleep with the children.

Hindley and Cathy contented themselves with looking and listening till peace was restored: then, both began searching their father's pockets for the presents he had promised them. The former was a boy of fourteen, but when he drew out what had been a fiddle, erushed to morsels in the great-coat, he blubbered aloud; and Cathy, when she learned the master had lost her whip in attending on the stranger, showed her humour by grinning and spitting at the stupid little thing; earning for her pains a sound blow from her father, to teach her cleaner manners. They entirely refused to have it in bed with them, or even in their room; and I had no more sense, so I put it on the landing of the stairs, hoping it might be gone on the morrow. By chance, or else attracted by hearing his voice, it crept to Mr. Earnshaw's door, and there he found it on quitting his chamber. Inquiries were made as to how it got there; I was obliged to confess, and in recompense for my cowardice and inhumanity was sent out of the house.

This was Heathcliff's first introduction to the family. On coming back a few days afterwards (for I did not consider my banishment perpetual), I found they had christened him 'Heathcliff': it was the name of a son who died in child-hood, and it has served him ever since, both for Christian and surname. Miss Cathy and he were now very thick; but Hindley hated him: and to say the truth I did the same; and we plagued and went on with him shamefully: for I wasn't reasonable enough to feel my injustice, and the mistress never put in a word on his behalf when she saw him wronged.

He seemed a sullen, patient child; hardened, perhaps, to ill-treatment: he would stand Hindley's blows without winking or shedding a tear, and my pinches moved him only to draw in a breath and open his eyes, as if he had hurt himself by accident, and nobody was to blame. This endurance made old Earnshaw furious, when he discovered his son persecuting the poor fatherless child, as he called him. He took to Heathcliff strangely, believing all he said (for that matter, he said precious little, and generally the truth), and petting him up far above Cathy, who was too mischievous and wayward for a favourite.

So, from the very beginning, he bred bad feeling in the house; and at Mrs. Earnshaw's death, which happened in less than two years after, the young master had learned to regard his father as an oppressor rather than a friend, and Heathcliff as a usurper of his paren's affections and his privileges; and he grew bitter with brooding over these injuries. I sympathised a while; but when the children fell ill of the measles, and I had to tend them, and take on me the cares of a woman at once, I changed my idea. Heathcliff was dangerously sick; and while he lay at the worst he would have me constantly by his pillow: I suppose he felt I did a good deal for him, and he hadn't wit to guess that I was compelled to do it. However, I will say this, he was the quietest child that ever nurse watched over. The difference between him and the others forced me to be less partial. Cathy and her brother harassed me terribly: he was as uncomplaining as a lamb; though hardness, not gentleness, made him give little trouble."

From this excerpt we see that Earnshaw 1) despite being racist toward Heathcliff, is also wildly protective of him - so much so that he kicks Nelly out of the house FOR DAYS for initially not allowing Heathcliff to sleep in his childrens room 2) Earnshaw doesn't like Cathy that much, and prefers Heathcliff over her; later when he dies he has a nice moment with her, but still asks her why she can't be a better child (lol) 3) Earnshaw did not name Heathcliff on his own accord but Heathcliff is named after Earnshaw's own son that died!!! And that says a lot; we're also never really told how Mrs. Earnshaw felt about him being named after her dead kid, or if she had a part in it or not, or if she grew to like Heathcliff too — she just dies soon after - however, I think we can all assume she always favored Hindley over Heathcliff, since we're told Hindley's jealousy grew after her death 4) Heathcliff is described by Earnshaw as a "gift from God" which I find kind of suspicious because Earnshaw struggled so much just to get him home... um, God had no part in that, Mr. - unless he's referring to the kids existence imo. At any rate, if Heathcliff isn't biologically related to Earnshaw, we're still led to have the sense that Heathcliff is sort of predestined to be there 5) Heathcliff was indeed a bit scraggly/unkempt when he arrived, but imo that doesn't mean he was necessarily a homeless orphan; if he did have a mother/family, they probably would have been living in harsh conditions anyway just by being impoverished, and if not, maybe he was just a bit dirty from wandering outside like normal kids do, and like he's so fond of doing anyway on the Moors later on - he could have just been playing outside when this white guy comes along and takes him under his coat! 6) Earnshaw says he asked around for the kids parents and felt obligated to take him on, though the kid was struggling... so yeah, regardless of if he's omitting other info or if he's his father or not, we can infer that he essentially kidnapped Heathcliff.

After re-reading this excerpt, I don't think it's as likely that Earnshaw had seen/known Heathcliff personally prior to his taking him home, but I still don't think any of this totally disproves the theory that Earnshaw could have been lying to Mrs. Earnshaw/omitting certain information.

Why was Mr. Earnshaw in Liverpool to begin with? I and many others often assume it was some sort of a business trip, and it probably was, but after re-reading the part where he leaves, I can't actually find anything to definitively confirm what he was actually there for. He could have been in Liverpool specifically to take Heathcliff with him. Another thing that doesn't make any sense is the fact that he walked all the way there alone: "I’m going to Liverpool today, what shall I bring you? You may choose what you like: only let it be little, for I shall walk there and back: sixty miles each way, that is a long spell!’"

He's then gone for 3 whole days. Meaning according to him, he walked 120 miles in 3 days, half of that while carrying/dragging a struggling small child, who he says he took because it would be his easiest option: "his money and time being both limited, he thought it better to take it home with him at once, than run into vain expenses there."

He's contradicting himself, because if he was so concerned about finances then he never would have taken on another child, as Mrs. Earnshaw immediately supplies (meaning if he was on a mission to retrieve Heathcliff, he didn't tell her): "Mrs. Earnshaw was ready to fling it out of doors: she did fly up, asking how he could fashion to bring that gipsy brat into the house, when they had their own bairns to feed and fend for? What he meant to do with it, and whether he were mad?" Ummmm you're telling me there isn't something a little suspicious or weird about any of this?!

And why would he be walking in the first place when he has horses — was he really so tight on money as to not want to support/feed them on a journey, or did he just not want to be recognized or attract attention, or did he not want to deal with a child riding on a horse for the first time? I assume carriages/wagons were out of the question for costs, and I know people walked a lot back then, especially in rural farmlands, but that is a very long journey as he himself says. What was so important? Did he even go to Liverpool at all? And why did he bundle Heathcliff up as if to hide him? To avoid suspicions about having a bastard child, etc.? And we're told Mrs. Earnshaw was expecting him home earlier, and we get no indication if she knew Mr. Earnshaw's plans or whereabouts.

And why does Mr. Earnshaw act so upbeat and nonchalant about all of this, when we're told he's usually really stern? Ie he supposedly treats Nelly well eg, telling her he'll bring her back fruits on his journey, but then he LOCKS HER OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR MULTIPLE DAYS for not following his orders about putting Heathcliff in the children's room on his first night there.

Where tf did she even go lol? Am I forgetting some part about her family having a nearby house? How far did she have to walk to get there, alone and unaccompanied as a young woman? Probably less than 120 miles in 3 days, but still! He's known Nelly her whole life, and he's supposedly known Heathcliff for a day (in which time Heathcliff has already led him into physical exhaustion), and yet he already prefers Heathcliff over her as well as his own children.

Even excusing Nelly being a narrator of debatable reliability, and being sometimes contradictory & biased against Heathcliff, Mr. Earnshaw's behavior still seems a bit outlandish and it makes sense that Mrs. Earnshaw would ask him if he had gone mad. I course, I may be looking too far into this, but how can I not?

Heathcliff's trauma, his relationship with Mr. Earnshaw, Earnshaw as kidnapper, and race:

I think Heathcliff is certainly severely traumatized. I'm not a psychologist but Nelly's line "hardness, not gentleness, made him give little trouble" is textbook childhood CPTSD, and it is partly due to Earnshaw indeed being a kidnapper with a white saviour/"white man's burden" complex.

I think the following quote by Nelly supports this kidnap view, in that she actually refers to him being kidnapped; Emily may also be encouraging us to speculate on even the most outlandish theories of his origins like Nelly does:

"‘A good heart will help you to a bonny face, my lad,’ I continued, ‘if you were a regular black; and a bad one will turn the bonniest into something worse than ugly. And now that we've done washing, and combing, and sulking—tell me whether you don’t think yourself rather handsome? I'll tell you, I do. You're fit for a prince in disguise. Who knows but your father was Emperor of China, and your mother an Indian queen, each of them able to buy up, with one week’s income, Wuthering Heights and Thrushcross Grange together? And you were kidnapped by wicked sailors and brought to England. Were I in your place, I would frame high notions of my birth; and the thoughts of what I was should give me courage and dignity to support the oppressions of a little farmer!'"

Like in Charlotte's Jane Eyre, Emily also borrows taboo Romantic and Orientalist imagery and racializes the gothic Other figure, because this idea of the foreign/non-white body was a source of anxiety to a lot of white British Victorian readers. This is a popular concept in Gothic literary studies & a lot has been written on it, so I won't go into it too much.

Like Charlotte's Bertha Mason, Linton Heathcliff's identity as being mixed race is essential to his character — in the narrative, him being white-passing is supposed to relate to his identity being more Isabella/Linton (as also evidenced by his name) and less Heathcliff's, who is disappointed not to see his own resemblance in his son.

Since we seriously don't know Heathcliff's true origins, we can't ascertain his ethnicity (given his descriptions/epithets/Nelly's speculations, he is likely fully or part Roma, South-Asian, or African), and we can't tell if he or his family/mother were highborn, enslaved, or simply free, but we do know that slavery was still very active in England in the late 1700s when Heathcliff is a child, and his hometown Liverpool was the center of the slave trade, so connections to slavery either ancestrally or during his hiatus (a popular theory, explored in the book Heathcliff: the Lost Years by David Drum) are possible.

More evidence for the theory of Heathcliff having a previous history of child abuse and unknown early trauma, possibly relating to the slave trade (which doesn't necessarily discount the Earnshaw parentage theory either imo, and if anything may make it more likely if his reasoning for taking Heathcliff was that he wouldn't want his biological son enslaved) — is the portion where Nelly describes Heathcliff and how he initially took Hindley's abuse stoically:

". . . a sullen, patient child; hardened, perhaps, to ill-treatment: he would stand Hindley's blows without winking or shedding a tear, and my pinches moved him only to draw in a breath and open his eyes, as if he had hurt himself by accident, and nobody was to blame. This endurance made old Earnshaw furious, when he discovered his son persecuting the poor fatherless child, as he called him. He took to Heathcliff strangely . . ."

When Nelly adds that Earnshaw called Heathcliff "poor fatherless child," I see this as ironic whether Earnshaw is his biological father or not, since he is still the closest thing he has to any sort of "father figure" nominally, and symbolically in line with the view of Earnshaw as flawed micro-colonizer. In the act of standing up for Heathcliff over his own teenage son and future master of the house, he is basically acting as a pseudo-father preferring one son over another; for Hindley, the blow is deepened by Heathcliff not being Earnshaw's son in name.

For clarity's sake, whenever I refer to Mr. Earnshaw as Heathcliff's unofficially adoptive father or father figre, I do so sort of hesitatingly. Mr. Earnshaw/Heathcliff do not have a regular father/son dynamic; we're told that Heathcliff did not embrace but rather fought Mr. Earnshaw the entire 60 miles back to the Heights.

Surely the above may be hyperbole, but we must keep in mind that Mr. Earnshaw's gifts for Cathy/Hindley/Nelly were lost or destroyed in the process: most symbolically, Mr. Earnshaw's struggle to obtain Heathcliff led to Hindley's fiddle being broken, Cathy's whip being lost, and we're never told what happened to Nelly's gift of fruit, but we can assume it was lost or never got to be obtained as a result of his preoccupation.

Heathcliff's relationship with Mr. Earnshaw is complicated because of the racial power imbalance & as I said, Earnshaw having a white saviour complex & basically kidnapping Heathcliff despite (or so we're told) not fully knowing if Heathcliff had a family or not. Most important are Heathcliff's own feelings about the situation; Earnshaw's wild affection is clear.

We're told by Nelly's observations that Heathcliff clearly did not have a great love for Earnshaw: "I wondered often what my master saw to admire so much in the sullen boy; who never, to my recollection, repaid his indulgence by any sign of gratitude. He was not insolent to his benefactor, he was simply insensible; though knowing perfectly the hold he had on his heart, and conscious he had only to speak and all the house would be obliged to bend to his wishes."

When Mr. Earnshaw was dying, Heathcliff was sitting with Cathy who was singing to Earnshaw. When they realize Earnshaw has finally passed, Heathcliff seems to genuinely grieve as equally as Cathy (Hindley is at college at this time):

"The poor thing discovered her loss directly — she screamed out — 'Oh, he's dead, Heathcliff! he's dead!' And they both set up a heart-breaking cry." Later when Nelly returns from getting help: "I ran to the children's room: their door was ajar, I saw they had never lain down, though it was past midnight; but they were calmer, and did not need me to console them. The little souls were comforting each other with better thoughts than I could have hit on: no parson in the world ever pictured heaven so beautifully as they did, in their innocent talk . . ."

Yet we also know by Heathcliff's odd dynamics with Nelly and Hareton, and even by some of his behavior around Catherine I (who is the only person that most of us can agree he really loves), we can see that, probably due to trauma, Heathcliff does not know how to show affection "normally."

By his earlier disconnected reactions to Hindley's abuse, we can see that early on he had trouble reacting to negative emotions as well, which probably led him to his later emotional dysregulation & bursts of rage/frustration, which make complete sense in his situation and are why we can still often sympathize with him in his path of vengeance, even despite his abusiveness.

So we do not know the full extent of Heathcliff's feelings toward Mr. Earnshaw, and whether he truly had deep affection for him or somewhat resented him, but whatever his feelings were, they were clearly complex. As we all know, Heathcliff is capable of feeling very strongly, and when he does, he is usually vocal about it (see: literally most of his dialogue). He can't go 30 seconds without roasting someone lol. But he is oddly ambivalent and quiet about Earnshaw.

You could also (& countless academics have) argue that Earnshaw/the Earnshaw family is essentially a microcosm of colonization, Heathcliff is symbolically captured/enslaved by Mr. Earnshaw (which highlights how white saviourism is oxymoronic), and then actually becomes almost literally enslaved by Hindley later on.

On Heathcliff and Hindley:

Both are extremely flawed. Both are wildly in love with women who die from labor, both become abusive single fathers, both are defined by their grief and feelings of revenge, both want to kill each other all throughout the story, both actually try to do so to varying extents. Heathcliff saves Hareton from Hindley's negligence by catching him, Hindley saves Isabella from Heathcliff's abuse by tackling the latter (in what I think is one of the novels best sequences, Isabella's narration of the period of Heathcliff and Hindley's fighting and her escape). Heathcliff's bond with Hareton, like Hindley's bond with Isabella, is both manipulative and touching in turns. Ditto for their bonds to Nelly.

Many people believe Heathcliff had a role to play, directly or indirectly, in Hindley's death. Evidence for this: 1) teen Heathcliff wishes Hindley could drink himself to death but acknowledges doctor Kenneth says he won't: "‘It’s a pity he cannot kill himself with drink,’ observed Heathcliff, muttering an echo of curses back when the door was shut. ‘He’s doing his very utmost; but his constitution defies him. Mr. Kenneth says he would wager his mare that he’ll outlive any man on this side Gimmerton, and go to the grave a hoary sinner; unless some happy chance out of the common course befall him.’" 2) later, Kenneth remarks to Nelly that "He's barely twenty-seven, it seems; that's your own age: who would have thought you were born in one year?'" 3) Joseph once accused Heathcliff of attempting to murder Hindley during their fight ("And so ye've been murthering on him?") - in which Isabella said Heathcliff had to barely restrain himself from not killing Hindley. Joseph later adds suspicion to Hindley's death when, after Heathcliff explains to Nelly how Hindley had been suffering from the effects of alcoholism but died suddenly in the morning, Joseph "confirmed this statement, but muttered: "I'd rayther he'd goan hisseln for t' doctor! I sud ha' taen tent o' t' maister better nor him—and he warn't deead when I left, naught o' t' soart!'" (trans. from WH Reader's Guide site: "'I'd rather he'd gone himself for the doctor! I would have taken care of the master better than him—and he wasn't dead when I left, nothing of the sort!'"). So Heathcliff told Joseph to fetch Kenneth which left Heathcliff alone with Hindley, who was then dead when Joseph/Kenneth arrived.

My own theory is that Hindley probably choked on his own vomit (a common form of death by addiction) because of Heathcliff's description of he and Joseph finding Hindley "snorting like a horse; and there he was, laid over the settle: flaying and scalping would not have wakened him." It is after this that Heathcliff is alone with Hindley and he dies. Heathcliff can be seen as guilty through inaction imo, though he would justify it by saying he was letting nature take its course.

Heathcliff and Hindley take turns enslaving each other throughout the story. Hindley's seniority, legitimacy, and race give him advantages, while Heathcliff's early favoritism by Mr. Earnshaw and his later accrual of wealth, wit, and strength give him some advantages. We're told by Nelly (and she's biased, but she's the main source we have) that Hindley bullied Heathcliff immediately, to which Heathcliff weaponized Mr. Earnshaw in his favor, as evidenced by the horse scene.

If, when Hindley returned to become master of Wuthering Heights after Mr. Earnshaw's death, his wife Frances had taken a liking to Heathcliff, or if Hindley had simply matured in his time away — in other words, if Hindley had decided to grow up and let bygones be bygones — I wonder if Heathcliff would have done the same, and decided to be peaceful & not to continue their childhood rivalry.

The bulk of Heathcliff's lust for revenge really stems from Hindley's treatment of him after Mr. Earnshaw's death, when Hindley, as the new Mr. Earnshaw, really does follow through on that childhood promise during the horse scene to use his wealth/power/independence to render Heathcliff miserable, and to turn him out or keep him enslaved. Possibly at the beckoning of Frances (which I mention later,) Hindley succeeds in fulfilling this childish power fantasy, and this is partly what inspires Heathcliff to obtain the means of flipping the script and later rendering Hindley a weakened dependent.

Although Hindley is racist/absorbed his parents racism, note that Catherine was not/did not, and so Hindley's true hatred of Heathcliff imo is more motivated by jealousy/envy for his father's affection than it is anything else, & his own feelings of inadequacy & self-hatred which likely would have existed anyway & were just fuelled by being "usurped" in his father's affection.

I really blame Mr. (& Mrs., though we sadly have so little insight into her character) Earnshaw for Hindley/Heathcliff's rivalry, because I feel like we can assume Mrs. Earnshaw must have favored Hindley more when Mr. Earnshaw started favoring Heathcliff, considering Hindley's hatred increased after the grief from his mother's death, — and this favoritism & parental split is bound to deepen the split between their favorites.

Hindley's hatred of Heathcliff really increased after his father & then his wife's deaths (meaning he had prolonged complex grief), which I'm assuming compounded & brought back his feelings of his original grief for his mother, resulting in further hatred of Heathcliff who had nothing to do with any of it but whose arrival Hindley just subconsciously associated with his mother's illness/death & his father's emotional abandonment (which we could consider a mental death which took place before his physical death; imo Hindley's whole character is defined by grief).

To enhance their pseudo-brotherly rivalry, which some may say is reminiscent of Abel/Cain (especially if you believe the theory/opinion that Heathcliff murdered Hindley or was otherwise in any part to blame for his death), we again have the fact that Heathcliff was named after Hindley's dead brother.

Heathcliff is actually Heathcliff 2.0, and maybe it was Mr. Earnshaw's grief that led him to use Heathcliff 2.0 as a replacement child the way Hindley uses Mrs. Earnshaw 2.0 as a replacement mother.

All throughout the story we have people being named after each other and taking on each other's roles, ie the whole 1st/2nd generation parallels (we could extend it to be 1st/2nd/3rd since I've highlighted the narrative importance of Mr./Mrs. Earnshaw), Linton Heathcliff, Cathy 1.0/2.0. — but we know nothing about Heathcliff 1.0 other than that he died in childhood.

Was he Catherine's age, younger, or older? Did Catherine see Heathcliff as a replacement brother? Did Heathcliff 1.0 die before Catherine was born? Was he Hindley's age? Did Hindley already have grief/trauma from Heathcliff 1.0's death and resent Heathcliff 2.0 for usurping not only him, but his dead brother's place?

We're told that "the family" gave Heathcliff 2.0 his name, but I assume Mrs. Earnshaw and Hindley may not have been involved due to us never seeing that they care for him — and Joseph may have had a role in it, but he's also rarely thoughtful, and Nelly was gone — so could Cathy have suggested the name Heathcliff? (which brings to my mind Edward Rochester telling Jane Eyre to "give him his name" when he proposes to her, asking her to call him "Edward" — this would be poetic of Catherine/Heathcliff's relationship).

The meaning of the names Heathcliff/Hindley are very similar; they also share the same initials, syllable count, and the "ee" sound. Heathcliff is a combination of "heath" (a synonym for "moor"; what he and Cathy love to roave on) and "cliff." In meaning, apparently (according to some sources on Ancestry.com) Hindley is a habitational name from hind 'hind, female deer' and lēah 'woodland clearing' — which is basically another way of saying heath/moor. So there is a lot of similarity in their names, and this tainted brotherly theme, both of which must have been intentional.

Regardless of whether Heathcliff & Hindley are foster brothers or half-brothers, this naming choice is still a sign that Heathcliff was predestined to be part of the family, and lends itself to the other themes of predeterminism in that Heathcliff ends up becoming the master of the Heights after Hindley the way he would have if he were his biological brother.

Mr. Earnshaw telling Hindley he'd bring him back any gift he chose, and then returning with that gift having been broken by Heathcliff, are ample reasons to explain the hatred that moody 14-year-old Hindley immediately feels for him, who was about half his age and therefore an impractical playmate. He is more like a new sibling, and like an older sibling, Hindley is horrified at being overshadowed by the family's new addition. Since we don't know whether Hindley knew or was close to Heathcliff 1.0, we can hesitantly assume he may have been upset by the naming.

On Heathcliff, Hindley, and Frances:

I would like to briefly touch more on Hindley's wife's death (so closely followed by his fathers death) bringing up feelings of his mothers death. Hindley's wife Frances Earnshaw is the second Mrs. Earnshaw and she only comes to the house right after Mr. Earnshaw dies. I believe Hindley parallels his father, Frances parallels his mother (so like many men, he metaphorically "married his mother"), and that Frances also has some similarities to Heathcliff.

Frances has an unknown origin story and Hindley keeps her background from his father on purpose, and this could have been intended to parallel the first Mr. Earnshaw from possibly keeping Heathcliff's origins vague: "What she was, and where she was born, he never informed us: probably, she had neither money nor name to recommend her, or he would scarcely have kept the union from his father."

Frances also immediately dislikes Heathcliff... just like Hindley's mother, the first Mrs. Earnshaw, did: "Mrs. Earnshaw was ready to fling it out of doors: she did fly up, asking how he could fashion to bring that gipsy brat into the house, when they had their own bairns to feed and fend for? What he meant to do with it, and whether he were mad?"

We don't know why Frances dislikes Heathcliff, but it wouldn't be a stretch to assume it has to do with his race & status, because it is only after her disapproval that Hindley banishes Heathcliff to the role of a servant/slave, we can assume. We can also assume Frances disliked Heathcliff from the beginning, since we're never told that she took a liking to him like she initially does with Catherine; we are only ever told she dislikes him:

"She expressed pleasure, too, at finding a sister among her new acquaintance; and she prattled to Catherine, and kissed her, and ran about with her, and gave her quantities of presents, at the beginning. Her affection tired very soon, however, and when she grew peevish, Hindley became tyrannical. A few words from her, evincing a dislike to Heathcliff, were enough to rouse in him all his old hatred of the boy. He drove him from their company to the servants, deprived him of the instructions of the curate, and insisted that he should labour out of doors instead; compelling him to do so as hard as any other lad on the farm."

It is after the last quote that we learn Cathy and Heathcliff become increasingly "feral" outdoors, as Heathcliff is forced to toil in outdoor labor, and Cathy insists on keeping him company while he's at it. At this point they are both essentially orphaned, and then neglected and abandoned by Hindley and Frances, the new Mr. and Mrs. Earnshaw, who take on the roles of the former Mr. and Mrs. Earnshaw, who were similarly neglectful and emotionally abandoning to their children.

On Cathy and Heathcliff:

In the beginning, Lockwood reads this diary entry from Catherine I which proves the prior analysis in that she compares Mr. Earnshaw 1.0 to Mr. Earnshaw 2.0 (Hindley):

""An awful Sunday,' commenced the paragraph beneath. 'I wish my father were back again. Hindley is a detestable substitute — his conduct to Heathcliff is atrocious – H. and I are going to rebel — we took our initiatory step this evening."

Notice how in the death of Mr. Earnshaw and then under the tyranny of Hindley (Mr. Earnshaw 2.0), Cathy and Heathcliff are often sharing each other's emotions, and their bond is very twin-like. They both cry & grieve in their room in unison after Earnshaw dies, and although Heathcliff is the one primarily sentenced to torment by Hindley, Cathy doesn't abandon him to it and instead often keeps him company in his punishment, recalling when she was younger and her father would try to keep Heathcliff away from her to punish her.

Even when Cathy does sort of abandon Heathcliff to marry Edgar, in her speech after Heathcliff leaves, she says that her plan was to use her control over Edgar to benefit Heathcliff, so she really never intended to abandon him at all. Abandonment, attachment issues, separation, loss, grief, being torn away from someone/somewhere/something, are all major themes in this story, often expressed by familial and more often filial experiences.

Cathy and Heathcliff's relationship basically embodies all these themes the most poignantly, in that Heathcliff abandons her because he thinks she's abandoning him and he can't bear it and would rather leave than be left; then as soon as he returns, Cathy ends up actually physically abandoning him by dying! And later on, her ghost taunts him (I believe most of us can take the ghost plot as canon & not hallucinatory considering how many characters attest to it), and he once again returns to her like he did before.

Their whole relationship is about overcoming obstacles to separation, and being determined to retain their attachment as an act of defiance (even if it means defying life, death, physics, etc.) — this is why they're considered the most romantic couple in literature even despite their awful behavior most of the time, because in writing/literary pedagogy as a general rule it is almost always the goal of romantic leads to overcome obstacles which separate them from their lover, – and Heathcliff and Cathy take this goal to a new level by overcoming not only their childhood punishments of separation from one another, but overcoming the impossible obstacles of LIFE AND DEATH to reunite in the spirit realm where no one can separate them again — not even God.

Both Catherine and Heathcliff say that they know they won't go to heaven; God literally doesn't want them, and he has abandoned them, and this is the ultimate abandonment/seperation. Thus, all they have in the universe is each other — and if their relationship didn't work in life, they're determined to make it work in death!

Some final thoughts on Mr. Earnshaw and the making of Heathcliff:

Due to all of my previous explanations, I consider Mr. Earnshaw a possibly well-intentioned man but who ultimately failed all of his children (along with Mrs. Earnshaw) by 1) emotionally neglecting/abandoning Catherine because she was a "bad child" & acted more boyish than Hindley, 2) emotionally neglecting/abandoning Hindley in favor of Heathcliff (and maybe it was partly because Hindley was becoming a moody teenager and Heathcliff was comparatively younger/easier to handle bc of his trauma-induced subdued nature, but whatever his reasoning, it had disastrous consequences), 3) emotionally neglecting Heathcliff too by not being involved enough in his integration with the family & not checking in on him and Hindley, 4) straight up just not being that involved to begin with and not seeming to teach his children anything, hence why they're all bratty and grow up to be deeply maladjusted.

Notice how Nelly's motivational speeches to Heathcliff, and her taking care of him when he was sick, have an extraordinary affect on him, meaning Mr. and Mrs. Earnshaw probably didn't show him even half as much attention or real affection. Like most English fathers at the time, Earnshaw thought his job as father/master was to merely provide provisions, leave the children with the women to be actually raised, and be done with it. The most unique thing he does in his life, and indeed his whole role in the story, is bringing home Heathcliff.

Maybe most importantly, I also just realized that Earnshaw kidnapping Heathcliff parallels Heathcliff kidnapping his own son after Isabella dies (and also him kidnapping his daughter-in-law Cathy II), and while this narrative parallel works if Earnshaw is merely Heathcliff's adoptive father, it also could be working to suggest that Earnshaw was his biological father, knew Heathcliff's mother had died, and so went back for him and took him by force. If Heathcliff's mother had recently died (or been separated from him), this would have compounded his trauma of being taken by Earnshaw, and this would have furthered his childhood memory loss, which could be another reason why I don't think Heathcliff remembers very much about his origins.

Heathcliff has much in common with Frankenstein's creaure. Yet, he is essentially a self-made man, his own creator and creature. We are even led to think of him as inhuman, as Isabella suggests with her referring to him as such and even calling him vampiric. And he does bear a lot of similarity to John Polidori's Lord Ruthven, from the first vampire novel The Vampyre (a Byronic tale, based on Byron's short story Augustus Darvell). Heathcliff's canonically mysterious origins and mysterious hiatus are necessary to his character; like Isabella and Nelly, we're supposed to question him and form our own opinions on the matter.

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