#above all is true pure innocent love ... i am so beyond interested in all you do ....

[ibvix]

Thank you for sharing your well developed and meticulous style of creating life alive … Your exquisiteness to breathe life in to Your Brilliant Creative Art, occurring almost simultaneously giving the life saving dose to the boy the world would forever consider living life alive !!!

Someone said "Jonathan Harker but what if he was a Vampire but also still a dork?"

That someone might have been me.

[linkspooky]

Eren Jaeger’s Final Words

So there are many people unimpressed with the final statement given by Eren’s character, either finding it inconsistent with the build up to this point, or too ambiguous a motivation for trampling all over the world. I’m not really here to talk about the quality of the story, whether it was good or bad, because I don’t really care. However, I think it’s fascinating what the text is trying to say about Eren’s character and his motivation. 

This is why, “I don’t know, shrug” is both an answer and not an answer to why Eren did what he did in the end. For making my point in this analysis, I’ll be talking about Eren’s character from Marley on showing both the Eren that appeared before Reiner, the one that talked to Zeke, and finally the one Armin saw are all the same person. 

1. And Now for Something Completely Different

Before I even begin though, let’s talk about something entirely different. My favorite episode of Doctor Who is from the 4th Doctor Era, entitled “Genesis of the Daleks” first broadcast around 1975. What makes this episode my favorite episode is both the premise, and the question it asks. If you haven’t watched Doctor Who the basic premise is the main character is a time traveler who can go everywhere and everywhen in the universe. One of his common enemies is the Daleks, a race whose goal is to kill everything else in the universe. The Time Lords order the Doctor to go back in time to the era the daleks were created, and prevent their creation in order to prevent every person they would eventually kill. 

He goes do the Dalek homeworld, and meets the scientist who created them Davros. Eventually, the doctor fails enough that he’s not able to prevent their creation, but he could, wipe them out when they were just newly born children and completely innocent. The doctor decides not to kill them right then because that would be a pre-emptive genocide, and the Doctor is a pacifist. When Davros witnesses him making this choice it prompts this conversation one of my favorite in all of television. The link to the clip is here if you’re interested. [Source.]

Davros: "Now, future errors will be come victories. You have changed the future of the universe, Doctor." Doctor: "I have betrayed the future. Davros, for the last time, consider what you're doing. Stop the development of the Daleks." Davros: "Impossible. It is beyond my control. The workshops are already fully automated to produce the Dalek machines." Doctor: "It's not the machines, it's the minds of the creatures inside them. Minds that you created. They are totally evil." Davros: "Evil? No. No, I will not accept that. They are conditioned simply to survive. They can survive by becoming the dominant species. When all other life forms are suppressed, when the Daleks are the supreme rules of the universe, then you will have peace. Wars will end. They are the power not of evil, but of good." Doctor:"Davros, if you had created a virus in your laboratory, something contagious and infectious that killed on contact, a virus that would destroy all other forms of life, would you allow its use?" Davros: "It is an interesting conjecture." Doctor: "Would you do it?" Davros: "The only living thing, a microscopic organism reigning supreme... A fascinating idea. Doctor: "But, would you do it?" Davros: "Yes... yes..." [ Davros raises a hand as if holding the metaphorical capsule.]

Davros: "To hold in my hand a capsule that contains such power, to know that life and death on such a scale was my choice. To know that the tiny pressure of my thumb, enough to break the glass, would end everything... Yes, I would do it! That power would set me above the gods!

Davros’ motivations seem at first brush look one-note and evil, just another mad scientist playing god. However, what makes the conversation great is the context it takes place in. Here is the choice offered to the doctor, kill a race that he knows will go on to make war and kill innocents in the future in their infancy before they have done anything wrong, or don’t kill them and ensure the future you know will happen. 

The Doctor isn’t saying that his choice is the right one. He’s not saying he’s doing good by choosing not to slaughter an innocent race. He’s saying, he can’t bring himself to make that choice. In that situation he chooses not to choose, because it would be against his pacifist believes to choose either way. Which Davros at first, takes to mean the Doctor siding with him. However, when they begin to debate it, notice how they’re not talking about what is the philosophically correct choice to do. The doctor hammers in this point, would you do it? Would you do it? After getting Davros to admit that yes, he would do it, his motivation becomes much clearer, he doesn’t actually care whether his actions result in a good thing or a bad thing, he simply wanted to be the one who got to choose. 

What does Davros want? The power that surpasses a normal human being’s ability to choose. Davros himself is basically written to be pure evil, but his desire itself is a little more complex. Davros is a person lacking in agency, if you tear him away from his support system he’ll die within thirty seconds. He designs what he believes is the perfect race capable of conqueringthe universe which are reflections of him. They’re soft little squid creatures in mechanical shells which are inpenetrable. Davros himself cannot seize that power, he is inferior because he’s attached to the life support system (in his own mind), so the power he wants instead is the power to make the choice to unleash them upon the world. 

If the Doctor by failing to make that impossible choice in the situation, by not wanting to even hold the capsule in his hands and have that ability to choose remains a man, then Davros chooses to throw away his humanity (which he ties to his inferiority and weakness) and becomes a god instead. To tie my long tangent which just shows how much of a geek I am back to Eren, Eren’s choice wasn’t actually about bringing a good result or a bad one at all. He simply wanted to choose. People who are lacking for agency, who feel powerless and inferior to tend to grasp for it. They try to fix external circumstances instead of internally facing what is within them, because they can’t bear to face it (hence the complex about being inferior in the first place). 

People often compare Kaneki from Tokyo Ghoul to Eren because their stated motivation bears some resemblance “we were doing this all to protect our friends”, however, it’s important to grasp that Kaneki and Eren are liars and unreliable narrators both. Their stated motivation isn’t necessarily true. I don’t think the final chapter is as clear as it could have been in nailing down the finer points of this, but Eren does in fact change his stated motivation from “I was doing it all to set up you as heroes of the world” to “I would have done it anyway even if you didn’t come to stop me” to “I don’t know. I just wanted to.” So, the fact that Eren will directly lie about his motivation and try to rationalize his actions and even switch stories in the space of one conversation is at least established. 

So to bring the comparison back to Kaneki, both Eren and Kaneki lie about their external motivations that they are doing this for their friends when really they act because of unacknowledged internal motivators. They are secretly selfish, while presenting their actions as some kind of great sacrifice they’re making for the sake of others. The deepest we ever dig into Kaneki’s head he makes this statement. 

I’m going to do something that will make everyone love me. Good, bad, it could be anything. After that, I wanna die heroically!

Eren and Kaneki aren’t the same because they’re brave people who fight for their friends, it’s because internally they’re pathetic and unlovable. They’re so starved for agency and attention that they’ll do anything for it, and they just don’t care about the consequences for their actions. Kaneki also, later on in the manga engages in mass slaughter for once again what is a pretty bad reason. It’s not to protect someone or for the sake of someone else. It’s because he’s lonely and wants comfort. 

Kaneki doesn’t care about what he’s doing or the consequences of his actions, he’s desperate and wants to do what will immediately gratify him in the moment. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing will unleash mass slaughter and have greater consequences because he’s not thinking about that. 

Compare this to the doctor’s choice. The doctor knows the direct result of his actions, if he does not abort the daleks he will fail to prevent the deaths of innocent people. Knowing those consequences he says he still won’t make the choice because he believes his pacifist principles are something he won’t bend on. Kaneki, and Eren both have on principles, or no reasons. They just do whatever in the moment, and make up a reason after the fact. For Touka, For his friends, because he wanted to, because of freedom, because why not? 

Kaneki and Eren can construct no good reason for their actions, and no principles behind their actions, because unlike the doctor, they don’t have a developed enough and they’re not capable of making measured choices. They steal away agency because they’ve been deprived of it, they want the feeling of power and control that comes with making the choice, but they don’t want the responsibility for it. The doctor knows if he doesn’t choose to wipe out the Daleks he’s responsible for that choice, but can’t bring himself to kill. His actions are pacifistic. However, Eren and Kaneki choose to kill in the same situation, and their actions inevitably cause the conflict to accelerate. The Doctor remains a man, Kaneki and Eren do not. 

What kind of person would want to become a god anyway? 

A person pathetically, incapable of feeling alright as a human being. 

That’s why Kaneki and Eren make the choice to become monsters, because they’re incapable of living with themselves, or their actions as people. Either way they can’t live with it, hence why, Kaneki’s stated motivation is I’ll make everyone love me and then I’ll just die. Hence why the person who is making this statment is a childish version of him. 

There is no good reason for what Eren does. That sounds like a cop-out answer after making you read all this long, but what is a good reason for killing people? This is a lot of rambling but I hope I’ve at least established that Eren’s internal reasonings make no sense, his internal mechanisms at least do. The reason he doesn’t come up with a reason is because he didn’t actually care about the result of his actions, he just wanted to be in the position to choose. He wanted absolute agency because he was denied agency like a child, and as a forever stunted child, he never grew up to realize that most people in the whole world eventually make compromises and live on with sadness instead of getting to do whatever they want. 

Words that Eren was told again and again but failed to listen to. He’s not the only person that suffers in the world. He’s not the only person that’s lost people. He’s not the all-suffering protagonist of reality, he’s just one personin the greater scheme of things. However, the ability to compromise like that. To realize that other people exist besides you, that they have feelings separate from yours, that you are not the protagonist of reality is what an adult does, and what Eren can’t do. It’s easier to become god apparently, throw his whole life away as a child soldier making the ultimate sacrifice then just try growing up. 

What’s the point of writing a character with such a pathetic motivvation? It’s because it’s human. 

To badly misquote Jung, most people assume they are nice people when really they are in fact jerks. The reasons can be very complex, but sometimes it’s just as simple as not being able to look past your own ego and understand people feel differently than you do. Eren cannot accept other people, whether they be his friends, the comrades he’s fought with this entire time, the adults trying to guide him, he is just so incapable of accepting them that he regresses into a child making selfish demands of the world. It seems inhuman but imagine Eren in a completely different setting. What if Eren were just a shut-in? Just a teenager who didn’t leave his room. A fundamental ability to accept other people would sabotage all his other attempts to grow up and leave his room, and he’d choose to remain a child forever. The stakes are different, the situation is different, but the internal mechanisms are unmistakably human. 

2. All Erens is the Same

Okay, here’s where I actually try to prove that Eren’s character arc is consistent with the story. What was revealed in 139 at all wasn’t a 180, and wasn’t a reveal that secretly Eren had good intentions all along. He never had good motivations, or selfless one. From beginning to end he was a selfish child, and his reasoning was always that of a stunted individual unable to understand the feelings of others but placing his own feelings as far more important.

What Eren does in 139 is rationalizing and changing his answer, which he has done several times before that point anyway, and is therefore consistent with his behavior up until that point. It’s important to acknowledge that Eren models himself, not after Grisha, but rather Eren Kruger. The foil to Grisha and the reaction to Grisha’s bad parenting is Zeke. The person who Eren makes similiar choices to is Kruger says the reason he picked Grisha is the eyes he possessed in childhood. 

The thing about Kruger is, textually, Kruger fucking sucks. He says it himself. He claims he was doing it for the sake of helping others, and yet, all he ever felt like he was doing, was torturing people, and throwing them to the dogs. He kept saying he had good motivations, but his actions were repeated brutal violence, over and over again. He contributed more to the conflict than he helped to resolve it. 

At the end of his life, Kruger says once again he doesn’t believe what he’s done has changed anything, and doesn’t believe he himself hs changed. He’s still the child with hatred in his eyes. His reason for passing it onto Grisha is because he knew Grisha wouldn’t grow up either, and would keep that inside of him. Kruger failed to grow, Grisha failed to grow, in a way that mattered, in time to make an actual change. They only ever made things worse, and that is, the model we are supposed to parallel Eren to. 

Now this is at the same time that the Attack Titan’s future vision powers are shown to us. The question a lot of people are asking is if Eren had free will in his choice, or he was fated to make that choce all along. The answer is. No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not at all. The fact that Eren was destined to do it, is yet another excuse, the like seventh change of motivation that Eren gives us. “I saw it happen in the future so I did everything I could to make it happen, but I didn’t think I had a choice this was the only way to make you guys hero,” Eren says, and then five seconds later. “I didn’t know what would happen , I probably  would have done it anyway even if I knew you guys were all going to die and fail to stop me.” 

Eren is once again making excuses, and avoiding all kinds of responsibility. If he is the chosen one, if his actions are controlled by fate, if he’s a god, if he’s a devil, he is not human and therefore he is not responsible. Eren wants the power to decide the fate for the world, but will do anything but accept responsibility for that choice. Eren wants to be Eren the bloody conqueror, but he’s not even self-aware enough to see himself as a bad person he can’t even own that so when confronted on his actions he reduces himself back to a child, and evades responsibility. Eren’s own motivation, his stated motivation is for no reason, however, the reasons he avoids the guilt like this are complex in their mechanisms as I wrote about above. The simple question is if Eren saw this future why did he not try to stop it? The simple answer is because he did not want to. 

There are a million and one excuses Eren has for why he thought the future could be avoided, but his actions tell a different story. He didn’t lift a finger to try. He spent the next four years making rationalizations for what he eventually would do. I will now establish, Eren was actually given several oppurtunities to stop, and then he just did not stop. 

In the Reiner and Eren scene while Tybur is speaking in the background, Eren is offered a choice. Quite literally, Tybur is narrating the same story that Eren wants to set up. Become the devil that tried to destroy the world, so the heroes (his friends) will defeat him. He’s given the chance to be genuine and talk things out with Reiner and what does he choose. 

He chooses to accelerate. He could have stopped. Remember how Reiner was practically begging him to talk things out? Not only that but Eren sees that Reiner’s stated motivations for doing what he did were, completely fake, just rationalizations made up in the moment. 

Eren is presented with the reality of who he really is, a child who hates himself, who wants to kill himself rather than take responsibility for his actions, and he chooses the narrative Tybur offers him. Rather than be hismelf, stop the story here, he chooses to move the story forward.And the conflict accelerates when they could have reconciled. Not because there was no other choice, Reiner was begging, crying, and holding Eren’s hand at the same time asking for peace and forgiveness but because Eren chose to accelerate the conflict. 

Eren’s choices are always that of an accelerationist. When given the oppurtunity to stop, he chooses instead, to always make the conflict worse. That is, the result of Eren’s myriad of choices made throughout the arc. Everything is worse now, and more people are dead. Nothing good is achieved through these means because Eren wasn’t trying for good. Eren didn’t care about good results, he just wanted to be doing something. Easier to be an all powerful demon, than a powerless child which is what he sees Reiner as in the moment.

The only time I believe that Eren was putting on an act was when speaking with Mikasa and Armin. The rest of it wasn’t acts, it was just who Eren is, who he sees himself to be. The thing is most people don’t read Eren’s kind of behavior, constant masculine posturing, war mongering, accelerating the conflict, throwing himself into fighting, as childish and toxic when it is. The point of Eren’s masculinity is it’s a performance. Reiner crying and begging in front of Eren is embarrassing and pathetic yes, but it’s also how he felt in that moment, it’s a human vulnerability. Whereas, Eren’s outer persona is entirely empty of love and vulernability, of every emotion besides anger, and violence. However, because it’s empty, he just acts, empty... Great wording there I know. Eren when posturing in front of others basically has no personality. He is just guy who fights. 

Eren performs the role of a ruthless soldier in front of others, because it prevents him from being vulnerable. Remember who Eren is posturing in front of, Reiner, and then later Zeke. What were they doing? They were both at the moment trying to appeal to his human side, Reiner by crying and begging for forgiveness a show of vulnerability, and Zeke by tryig to show Eren what their father did to them was wrong.

Calls for violence, posturing, warmongering and rhetoric, Eren’s every response when Zeke tries to examine his humanity. Eren insists over and over again, you see I’m not actually a human being. It was impossible for father to reach me because I was simply born that way. However, the kind of person Eren pretends to be is empty, someone incapable of feeling anything. The only way he knows how to be strong, is to simply not have feelings, to deny all human emotion and become something else and that’s just lame. We also know, that Eren himself is not like that because he contradicts his stated motivation that the only reason he killed those slavers was for the concept of freedom itself when he takes too long trying to look at Mikasa.

Eren denies himself empathy, he denies himself udnerstanding, and therefore no one will ever see his emotional wounds. That way, he can be invulenerable forever, but at the same time he denies MIkasa and Armin.

We return again to the motif of the story. It’s the same repeated image, someone tells Eren to stop, Eren says that it must not stop, the story must continue. 

Both of Eren’s foils and family members,Zeke and Grisha  tell Eren to stop this. That they do not want this. The whole world yells at Eren to stop, and he does not stop. Stopping would mean, accepting some measure of helplessness so Eren does not stop. 

To be honest, what Eren says in 131 is far more telling than literally any of the excuses he came up with in 139 which is why I think it should be interpreted not as the final word on Eren’s character but rather, showing what his waffling actually looks like to an outside observer - not heroic at all but rather pathetic. 

Eren’s childish desire to be this powerful, to stand up above everyone like a god while ignoring the suffering of the world around him - is pretty telling enough of Eren’s true motivations that he needs no further elaboration. Eren does not become god for the sake of his friends, he does not do it because he thinks it will make the world a better place, he does it because of childish delusions of grandeur and his inability to let go of his childish feelings of entitlement. The world isn’t the way he wants it to be and he can’t comrpomise with that in any way. Eren is more like a caricature of the most petty person on earth when you put it that way, but this is... a fictional story. Thematically Eren is a good example why ideals are ideals, and people are in fact, people, ulitmately very disappointing and falling short of those idealse. So once again moving past this. 

Eren, you can literally just stop. Eren is basically given every choice in the world to stop, everyone else in the story tells him to, and he just doesn’t. The author does go to a painstaking extent to show that Eren in fact could have stopped. Every single time he is given the oppurtunity to stop he instead chooses to accelerate the conflict.

It is interesting to show the one time Eren actually did stop though. It wasn’t for Mikasa, it was Mikasa’s decision. 

When Eren puts the decision on someone else, he can stop. Eren has feelings for Mikasa, but rather than confessing to her he makes her speak up about what her feelings are, even when everyone around him just, straight up tells him. 

Why is he capable of stopping when it’s someone else’s choice? In those cases, Eren succesfully avoids responsibility. When he makes the decision to run away in the possible alternate reality he’s doing what Mikasa wanted. 

The other time is when he decides to accept the result of whatever Mikasa decides. In both cases, Eren rather than accept responsibility for his actions and the results of his actions, just, puts it all on Mikasa. 

Is he doing this for Mikasa’s sake? To set Mikasa up as the hero of the world? No, he can’t even face Mikasa and explain himself or his feelings. Eren makes the choices to... put the ultimate decision on Mikasa, and run away without explaining himself because, that’s easier than taking repsonsibility for his choices. Every choice Eren makes, is to either make the conflict worse, because stirring the pot makes him feel powerful and in control, or throw control away to someonee else or some other reason (predestination whatnot) because he can’t bear the responsibility of what he’s doing. He wants to kill a bunch of people, but like... he doesn’t want to feel like a bad person about it (hence the excuse, he was doing it for his friends and yet later in the same conversation him saying that if he had killed his friends and they failed he still would have done it anyway). 

Therein lies the rub. Eren is not doing this for his friends, because he takes the one path that is guaranteed to take him out of their lives. He doesn’t do it for Mikasa because he does the one thing guaranteed to destroy her. 

I love this girl so much, that I created this elaborate scenario where the only way she could save the world was to horribly behead me, the one family member left from her childhood after she spent her entire life trying to protect me from fear of losing her family - yeah that sounds completely insane.

It is meant to be. Eren is thinking jack all about what his friends are feeling. His feelings for Mikasa, his desire to keep her safe and away from everything else trump everything even the idea that his love might be returned. He loves at Mikasa. He’s not in love with her, he’s projecting his love upon her. “Why didn’t he just tell her about his feelings if he secretly loved her all this time?” the point was, he couldn’t. Eren’s ego isn’t developed enough to love another person, that requires actually caring about their feelings which Eren doesn’t do to well.

 There’s a reason Eren and Mikasa’s connection keeps lingering back to the small kindness they showed each other as childhood,it’s because literally despite spending their entire lives growing up together, their connection hasn’t grown at all since then, because they can’t grown. 

At the end of the series however, Mikasa makes the opposite coice of Eren. If Eren’s choice has been to remain a selfish child all this time, to make other people suffer rather than face his own hurt feelings. Mikasa makes the choice of selflessness, to grow up, beyond the child who loved Eren into the adult who knows that even if you love people, one day you might lose them. 

Eren’s choices only ever make the conflict worse. Mikasa’s choice finally stopped the conflict that Eren kept accelerating. It didn’t save the world, it saved the world from Eren. 

I think it’s important to remember that Eren didn’t see what MIkasa was going to do, that her actions were going to end up breaking the curse. He literally had no idea what was going to happena fter the massacre, all he saw was the massacre and decided to do what he could to bring it about. 

“I did all of this for you guy.” 

Backtracking, five seconds later, and making excuses it all would have happened anyway. 

It’s the same behavior consistently shown throughout. Eren could have stopped. Eren did not stop. Afterwards, Eren wants to reconcile the guilt and believe that his motives were good, when his actions were the actions of a bad person. It’s the same as Reiner’s crying and begging after years of guilt and failure to reconcile his acitons with who he is. Eren can’t understand why he did what he did, he just knows he did it, and he can’t accept responsibility for any of it. So that’s why Eren throws the choice away. 

Eren can’t understand his father’s words, because in the end, being born, living his life, growing up, falling in love, making friends, losing some of those friends, growing older, getting weaker, all of those things are things Eren doesn’t want to do. Eren begins his life with “You were born into this world, you’re free to live hwoever you want” and ends his life wishing he was never born, and that’s the utlimate tragedy of his character arc. Not that it was inevitable he would eventually do these things, but beause it wasn’t and Eren chose to do them anyway instead of choosing literally anything else. Therefore, despite claiming Mikasa and Armin as the reason behind all of his actions, they weren’t, because he was inacapable of making the simple choice to be with them and grow up with them which is all they ever wanted from him. 

[owakoblack-portspa]

(Prumano, Spamano Fanfiction) My Last Romano

Disclaimer: this is Hetalia fanfiction. I do not own the characters.

Pairing: Prussia/ South Italy, Spain/ South Italy

Summary:  The time is 1718, during the War of the Spanish Succession. Lovino (South Italy) lives at Anotonio's (Spain) house, but his heart belongs to Gilbert (Prussia).

My Last Romano

 ‘Hola, Gilbert, my dear friend, what brings you here?’ Antonio smiled, sitting on a scarlet divan embroidered with golden flowers, a crimson uniform coat hanging loosely on his shoulders.

 ‘I heard that you were injured in a battle with England. As one of your best friends, I feel fully obliged to pay you a visit.’ Gilbert sank luxuriously into a sofa, stretching both of his arms along the top of the backrest.

 ‘Injured? Me?’ Antonio glanced at his left arm hidden under his uniform, which was heavily bandaged, and then resumed his smile, ‘do you mean this? It was a piece of cake. Never mind me. By the way, there’s a button missing in the front of your coat, have you noticed?’

 ‘What?’ Gilbert looked down to examine his ‘the more stitched the more battered’ coat, only to find out that what Antonio told him was true. ‘How about this?’ he unbuttoned all the buttons in one breath, ‘it’s not that conspicuous now!’

 ‘Bravo! It’s as if there were no button left at all! But then how can your coat withstand wind with all the holes in it? Don’t you feel cold?’

 ‘Never. I am a soldier, no coldness could defeat me, kesesesese!’ Gilbert drummed his own chest smugly.

 At this moment, the heavy gilded door of the magnificent Baroque drawing-room opened, and Lovino entered with an exquisite tea set in his hands. ‘Don’t tell me you’re so busy that you’ve no time to put on clothes properly, you Teutonic asshole.’ Pouting petulantly, he laid down a teacup in front of Gilbert, and turned around to lay another teacup for Antonio who was sitting opposite. ‘Stupid Tonio, if it were not that you had been beaten by the Englishman, and Laura had been gone, I would never have made tea for you of all things, vafanculo!’

 ‘Gracias, Romano mio is always so good to your Hermano Mayor!’ Antonio smiled from ear to ear.

 ‘You are always good to each other!’ Gilbert said enviously.

 A trace of discomfort appeared on Lovino’s young face. With or without purpose, he poured hot tea onto Gilbert’s clothes, leaving instantly an ugly brown stain on it. ‘Dammit!’

 ‘Oh no, Gilbert’s crap clothes is now totally damaged!’ Antonio said matter-of-factly, his emerald eyes simply wide-opened.

 ‘I don’t think a tiny water stain can damage my clothes! Don’t you think so, Fratello?’ Gilbert grinned at Lovino, who lowered down his little dark brown head listlessly.

 ‘Don’t worry! It’s totally fine with me!’ Gilbert tried to comfort the young boy with words.

 After a moment of silence, Lovino continued, ‘I happen to have some trash clothes that might suit you…’ He left the drawing-room, and then returned with a huge uniform coat which was obviously too large for himself.

 ‘Here you are. My work of failure might be unsightly, but it’s a million times better than your damn beggar’s clothes!’ Lovino threw the handmade coat to Gilbert.

 ‘Danke sehr, Fratello!’ Gilbert caught the coat with every bit of gratitude.

 ‘Romano, did you use our curtains to make this?’ Antonio was surprised.

 ‘No way!’ Lovino retorted.

 ‘You should have told your Hermano Mayor earlier, for I can give you money to buy as many clothes as you want! But I’m afraid curtain cloth is not fit for a uniform?’

 ‘Don’t you dare criticize my work, Tonio you idiot!’ Lovino stuck out his tongue.

 ‘I think it’s a piece of good work. I’ll put it on when I get home, kesesesese!’ It could not be too careful for Gilbert to fold up the uniform coat and put it into a sack.

 At night, after Gilbert had gone home, Antonio suddenly dragged Lovino into his own bedroom, closing the door with a loud bang.

 ‘You hurt me, dumb Tonio!’ Lovino said angrily, nursing the red imprint on his delicate wrist caused by the tight grip of the much stronger man.

 ‘What did you just say, my Romano?’ Antonio put on his wonted gentle smile, rolling up his sleeves while advancing slowly towards Lovino, whom was leaning to a gilded florid wall.

 ‘Don’t you get any closer to me, damn you!’ the young boy kept on moving and moving backward until he found himself caught up into a corner, and until the tall man’s long, dark shadow projected on the seemingly thirteen-year-old thin body.

 ‘What did you say? Big Brother didn’t hear you.’ Without any warning, Antonio slapped Lovino heavily in the face, causing the boy to fall down onto the floor.

 There was a burning pain in Lovino’s cheek, and a feat of dizziness came immediately over his head. ‘I said, you hurt me, God damn you, Antonio!’ He had no remaining strength to raise himself up and fight back the tyrant, but could only demonstrate his revolt by roaring—not without tears on his face which were the shameful result from irresistible pain and fear. His little body was trembling as uncontrollably as a thirteen-year-old boy could do.

 ‘Ay, why are you crying? My cute Romano,’ Antonio crouched down, and pretended to wipe tears away from Lovino’s pink, delicate face, only to leave obscure fingerprints on the tender skin, ‘do you know why I slapped you, Romano?’

 ‘Because you are a jealous bastard.’

 ‘It seems I shall teach you a lesson today, Romano. How dare you steal my money to buy cloth for Gilbert’s new uniform?’

 ‘Didn’t you say it was made of curtain cloth?’

 ‘Must I let him know how much heart and soul you’ve put into this uniform? To make him smug beyond himself? I give you a shelter from storm, make you lead a comfortable life without worrying food or clothing, and this is what you give me in return? If it had not been me, you would have been torn up in pieces by those great powers! You would never have a chance to stand against me!’

 ‘I don’t think my life has been any better. I should have submitted to France, instead of you!’

 ‘When half of your territory was conceded, your body was reduced to half of the size too, and France was not half interested in you any more! Of course, I am not a pedophilia either, so I have to wait patiently until you grow up again…but lo,’ the Spaniard held up the weeping Lovino’s pretty chin, and squeezed it with deliberate force, ‘you’re getting more and more beautiful! I could have waited for a longer time before the fruit is totally ripe, but perhaps a bitter sweet taste is not as bad?’

 ‘Don’t touch me, you’re absolutely a pedophilia, cazzo!’ Lovino spit at his suzerain.

 ‘Joder, chingate, Romano!’ Antonio seized Lovino, turned him around, and peeled off the boy’s girdle to tie his slim hands up.

 ‘Release me, you bastard!’ Lovino cried out with terror at the top of his voice, but nobody could help him in the depth of the night and in the depth of a prison—he had been Antonio’s prisoner for centuries.

 ‘Release you? to what degree? ah…let me see if you really are a wanton puto like they said in 1282.’

 The mentioning of the event made Lovino shudder. It had been his nightmare and the reason why he was unable to be with his faithful knight any more–he was no longer pure, no longer his Holy Virgin.

 ‘You still care about him?’ It was always easy for the Spaniard to read the South Italian’s mind, ‘fine, I will fuck you up and mar you until you’ll never think about seeing him ever again, ever.’ He brought from a cabinet a crop to the wincing and whimpering Italian boy, and stripped off the white gauze shirt to reveal the youth’s badly bruised back.

 On the second day, Gilbert put on the brand-new Prussian-blue uniform he had received from Lovino, and strutted all along the way to the magnificent Palacio Real.

 On the walls of the second floor above the grand hall, there were dozens of huge paintings, almost all of them painted by famous artists, except one painting, which was placed between Caravaggio’s John the Baptist and a mahogany window, and this painting caught Gilbert’s attention:

 In the picture was a youth with stunning beauty. He was barely thirteen of age, his short charcoal hair shiny and curly, his huge lime green eyes bright and innocent, and his rosy cheeks slightly puffed up—his expression was so adorable that even the meanest man in the world could not resist from giving him a caress. Beneath his exquisite reedlike neck was a chartreuse embroidered frock coat, which met the colour of the young boy’s eyes; and the dainty buttons were made of sapphires. It seemed as if only a prosperous, loving family could have brought up such an elegant, unstained angel.

 As Gilbert was completely lost in this portrait, Antonio emerged without a sound from his behind.

 ‘Isn’t it marvellous? This painting is entitled My Last Romano.’

 ‘Last?’ Gilbert asked, surprised.

 ‘Exactly. There used to be Tim’s and Laura’s portraits hanging over there,’ Antonio pointed to the empty wall on the other side of the window, ‘but after they have moved out, Romano becomes my sole companion.’

 ‘Natürlich, natürlich.’

 ‘I will never let anyone else have him, because I love him.’ The Spaniard smiled brightly, and drew down the curtains to conceal Lovino’s portrait from the dazzling sunlight outside.

[seyaryminamoto]

"So… to answer your earlier question, no, I never stopped to think that maybe one day I'd fall in love with someone, and that I'd REGRET my encounters with those women BY THEN." Now I quoted right. This is a contradiction. There a some contradictions regarding this in your fanfic and answers. The same with having an erotic dream. He regrets it now. Because he didn't think he would fall in love with Azula.

I’ve likely said I’m done answering asks of this nature a thousand times. Hell knows why I’m bothering to do it now, but I really think it’s the last time I’ll bother, despite I ALREADY know that nothing I say will actually register in your head.

You refuse to accept any arguments I’ve presented to you, perhaps because you don’t bother reading my answers to give them actual thought, as you’re stuck in your perception of Sokka as some appalling, disloyal man despite the fact that he’s been 100% devoted to Azula since he first accepted his feelings for her properly (chapter 55). He has been with her, in-story, for about 2 years already, and he has never shown the slightest interest in any women besides Azula throughout those years.

But according to you, he’s the worst because he had one erotic dream about someone else before he had any sort of relationship with Azula, and because of his nightmarish experiences in Hui Yi.

Okay. My bad. You’ve finally convinced me of WHY I shouldn’t have panned over those two years in Hui Yi and jumped right in with the story I wanted to tell. Maybe if I had gone the show-don’t-tell route with that, despite I didn’t particularly want to, I wouldn’t be receiving asks like yours. And boy, I really would like that.

Warning: I’m really at my wits’ end. I thought to tone down my answer. I even did in many ways. But consider my patience tried, tested and broken, and if I sound far more aggressive and outraged than usual, it’s because I am. Please, learn from that, if you won’t learn from anything else.

So, apparently Gladiator’s Sokka must be some sort of terrible person, going by your fixation with this topic, and a bad love interest for Azula, because he doesn’t regret what happened in Hui Yi, in the classic sense of the word, right away. And I suppose you expect me to back down on this and say you’re right, oh no, he totally SHOULD have regretted it all along!

Well, the truth is, Sokka regrets one very specific thing all along: being stuck in a situation where he has no choices, where he has to live by the fucked up rules of someone like Huang Li. THAT is what he regrets. And NO, that is not a contradiction. I’m bluntly stating it. It’s a FACT. It’s something every last one of his recollections about Hui Yi is permeated with.

Why doesn’t he regret what he did with SEVEN, btw, SEVEN girls in Hui Yi? And I specify this because I suspect it was you who sent an ask about how it was ELEVEN? Checking 112, I find Sokka said in the middle of his explanations to Azula that eleven people survived: he’s talking about the GLADIATORS at that point, something that should be obvious by context, but apparently I have to waste hours of my time spelling things out one by one to anons, huh? That comment is NOT about how many people he was with, this is about the gladiators who had survived by the time Azula bought him off Huang Li. He outright told Azula the exact number of girls in the previous chapter, and she reached her own conclusions. That you (or whoever it was) misreads the chapters to this extent just to piss yourselves off further is proving how POINTLESS this entire debate is. You people (or you alone) don’t want to hear reason. You want to poke holes into the story that aren’t even there, to demand retribution from a fictional man who already went through hell on earth, just because he wasn’t 100% pure and untainted when he reached Azula’s bed. I’ve asked you to have empathy for his character before, clearly that you still send asks like these proves my request has gone to waste.

Well, let’s come back to the point: why doesn’t he regret it? BECAUSE OF THE FIRST WOMAN. Because of what happened to the one he outright put a stop to, because this wasn’t what he wanted, and the woman stopped indeed because she didn’t want to have sex with Sokka any more than he wanted it with her, and then they spent hours talking, and he offered her an emotional sort of comfort by being a decent guy who let her relax instead of forcing her to do things she wouldn’t want to...

AND THEN SHE GOT HER HAND CUT OFF FOR IT. AND SHE WAS TREATED AS A LESSER SLAVE AND HUMAN BEING BECAUSE OF IT.

According to you, upon hearing this story from the next girl who went for him, Sokka should’ve been like “Well damn, I do feel sorry for lady #1, the only person I’ve ever bonded with in Hui Yi, she’s been crippled for life and might even die from an infection for all I know, considering how damn hygienic Hui Yi has always been, but you see, lady #2, I must keep my body ~pure~ because one day I’m going to fall in love with someone and she won’t be with me if I was with sex slaves, despite I could ensure no other girls have to go through what lady #1 went through if I actually do sleep with you”. At least, that’s what I’m understanding out of your asks.

Well, great. Then he would’ve condemned this second girl to the exact same fate as the first :)

And the third :)

And however many there might have been :)

According to you, he should regret that he was with them right away, no matter if he actively felt like shit about what was going on, if it was the darkest period of his life: well, HERE is why he doesn’t regret it. Because if he HADN’T done it, those girls would’ve had it WORSE. The fact that I need to spell this out to you, in this way, is frankly ridiculous to me. You really could’ve reached that conclusion on your own if you had just TRIED, which makes me think you’re not trying at all. Anyone who’s old enough to read M-Rated fiction should be capable of connecting such basic, obvious dots. That you refuse to do it only to barge into my inbox demanding for me to explain every writing decision I make that you dislike, really doesn’t speak well of you.

So no, Sokka doesn’t REGRET what happened with those women right away because he was doing what he could to ensure they wouldn’t be tortured or maimed, at worst even KILLED, if it was discovered they hadn’t “fulfilled their duties”. Oh, but he would have been a damn great person if only he had decided to retain his “integrity” instead of saving innocent people’s lives, according to you...! :’D

Well, turns out if he had chosen to retain his integrity above all else, he probably would be dead by now. Because he wouldn’t have ever defeated a single gladiator in Hui Yi, not even the first one he fought, because he would have refused to kill anyone who wasn’t truly his enemy.

And there we go, story over :’) thank you for this glimpse into how short Gladiator would be if Aang was my protagonist. Very nice.

So of course, I suppose you’ll ask now why does he regret having done this years later, if he wasn’t sorry back then and his argument is so solid (not that you’ll think it is, why even imagine you would? Apparently sex slaves deserve to die, as far as I can understand of what you’ve said so far)? 

He regrets it now because, with that much distance between himself and what happened in Hui Yi, with that much time spent with someone he grew to love beyond he ever belived possible, he would MUCH RATHER have been a complete novice at everything and discovered everything about sex with her.

“Truth be told, I would have rather not been experienced at all… then again, if I hadn't been, our first time would have been a disaster, but… but it might have been worth all the more to learn all about this together, huh?”

He HATES that he had no choice but to go for it back then. He’s not proud of it in the least. If rejecting them wouldn’t have had such violent, catastrophic results, he would have always pushed them away. But he didn’t do that, AND he owns up to it in those chapters, even though he expects Azula will be as merciless as you appear to be and conclude he’s not worth her time anymore. Curiously, Azula actually understands that Sokka’s actions, especially those from BEFORE they were anything but enemies, back when he absolutely hated her, aren’t representative of who he is NOW. I can’t quite understand how that’s a concept that eludes you so badly, Anon.

Now, about the damn matter of him having an erotic dream about someone other than Azula, BEFORE having any about Azula (in case you didn’t notice, Sokka doesn’t tell June exactly WHEN he had this dream, so if you’re assuming it happened in recent times you’re basically only doing that to further rile up yourself against him? Which is, quite honestly, like shooting yourself in the foot): I take it you’ve never had any dreams in your life, have you, Anon? And I don’t mean erotic ones, I mean ANY dreams, whatsoever: can you control your dreams? Because if you can, boy, you’re pretty darn impressive! I’ve had some really ridiculous dreams, one that comes to mind was that I standing on a tight rope that I was suspended right above a waterfall, and I was about to fall. I was panicking like never before, despite the fact that, in real life, I’m not afraid of heights, I’ve never had any experiences with tight ropes and I think waterfalls are beautiful. And this is just ONE example, one very random example, of how dreams aren’t at all representative of a person’s true self.

Now then, please, tell me why on earth are you trying to hold this fictional man accountable for a completely random dream he had, BEFORE he had anything romantic with his love interest??? Can’t you tell how utterly unreasonable this is? It’s blowing me away that you’re not only clinging to this topic so badly, in this obsession to turn Sokka into some sort of monstrous, inadequate, terrible love interest for Azula, but that you’ve brought up this subject of him dreaming about one other woman in previous asks and submissions (that I didn’t answer because of how hard I facepalmed at them), as if it were ultimate proof of how untrustworthy he is. Normal people CAN’T control their dreams. Azula COULDN’T control her dream about Ursa back in Ember Island’s arc, she also couldn’t control the absolutely ridiculous dream she had in the Northern Air Temple, where she claims she’s carrying a baby for a friend! Are you going to come after her next, demanding that she is held accountable for having claimed she was carrying someone else’s fictional baby instead of proudly owning up to having a kid with the love of her life? Because, if you can tell that dream is just a pile of ridiculousness, I can’t see how you take this one of Sokka’s, which wasn’t even written because it was utterly irrelevant to the story, to mean ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY when said dream is explicitly said to have happened BEFORE he dreamt about Azula, which, once he wakes up, is what triggers his conscious, first real thoughts about Azula as a love interest!

*heavy breathing* Okay. Okay. That’s a lot to say. But I think I’m not done yet. I’m going to take advantage of this ask to quote a few things that have showed up in my inbox, that I didn’t reply to because I didn’t feel like it, plainly:

I wanted to know if Sokka would go the same way he did in the beginning with replacing Azula if she WOULD NOT be a princess?

... Why the hell is this even a question? The ENTIRE problem posed by Sokka and Azula’s relationship is that she IS a Princess and he’s a slave! Azula knows it! Sokka knows it! They both have thought and even outright said it countless times! How the heck does anyone, whether the same Anon as before or another one, if you were different people, read an ENTIRE story predicated on forbidden love between a Princess and a slave and not understand that the two main reasons these two SHOULDN’T want to be together, in the earliest arcs of the story, are:

She is RESPONSIBLE for turning him into a slave, which then caused him to spend 2 years suffering in what I THOUGHT was the worst possible depiction of the Fire Nation’s darkest tendencies but it apparently went over all your anon heads: he spent TWO YEARS holding the worst grudge against her for this, a grudge he still hasn’t completely let go of at chapter 28, hence why he continues to tell himself, back in those days, that he should hate her and why he doesn’t want to fall in love with her...

SHE IS A PRINCESS AND HE IS A SLAVE AND THERE’S NO WAY THEIR LOVE WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING UNLESS OZAI DIES, AZULA IS CROWNED AND SHE GETS TO MARRY HIM SO THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.

Seriously. It doesn’t take that much braining. It’s bloody stated constantly through the story. Will you people stop wondering why it’s important that she’s a Princess once we FINALLY reach Part 3 and the obvious consequences of their big romance are known? Or are you going to continue pretending there’s no reasons, whether characterization or world-building reasons, why these two have been keeping their relationship secret, and why the struggled that badly to cope with the feelings they developed for each other when they were in denial about it ages ago?

Anyways, if I really HAVE to answer this question, NO, if Sokka had started having feelings for a non-royal Azula and he didn’t think he’d ruin her life by acting on them, he wouldn’t have tried to flirt with Suki. He wouldn’t have slept with June. He wouldn’t have done any of the things he did in that arc, his reservations towards Azula wouldn’t be as strong as they are BECAUSE she’s a Princess, which means that being with her could outright cause her life to go to hell and he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want that for Azula, even before he accepts his feelings for her. If he wouldn’t ruin her life, he probably would have been reluctant anyways due to their unresolved bad blood (point #1 up there?), but he wouldn’t have been so sure they CAN’T be together, so he wouldn’t even have flirted with Suki and this entire plot arc wouldn’t be necessary.

But that’s NOT the story we’re getting. Why? BECAUSE AZULA BEING A PRINCESS IS ESSENTIAL TO THE STORY??? I MEAN??? IS THIS REALLY SOMETHING I HAVE TO EXPLAIN??? SHE IS ONE IN CANON??? SHE IS ONE HERE??? WHY WOULDN’T SHE BE A PRINCESS???

... Dear god, have mercy on me. You really make me feel like I have devoted 7 years of my life to a huge waste of time if I can’t even get the most obvious plot points of the story across to you people.

One girl instance maybe but my shipper heart could never make Sokka get involved with SO MANY girls. 11? Will it keep growing?

This is the one Anon I was talking about earlier. Ha. Fucking HILARIOUS. Not only purposefully misunderstanding that it’s ELEVEN GIRLS, but asking if the number of girls Sokka will get involved with will increase beyond an already false number? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

What does commitment mean to you, goddammit. What do you even think the word stands for? Seriously, if you were to fall in love with someone, and then it doesn’t work out, but you find a second person later who seems perfectly nice and everything you DO need... would you say “Oh no but I already soiled myself by loving someone else, I AM UNWORTHY OF YOU!!”, because you made a commitment in the past that didn’t pay off, which, for some fucked up reason beyond my understanding, means you can’t commit to someone new?

This is Disney Romance logic. Hell, Disney Romances are more complex than your thinking, actually! Anna from Frozen is ready to marry Hans, ends up realizing Hans was an asshole at the worst possible timing and goes for Kristoff later instead: are we going to stone her for not realizing Hans was the worst right away? How on EARTH could she commit to Kristoff now, when she had been ready to be with another guy BEFORE she even met him?!?!

Another example: Meg from Hercules! She falls for a guy, literally SELLS her soul to Hades for him, and the douchebag ditches her for another girl. At this point, Hercules (at least, film-wise) has been a perfectly pure virginal boy and he falls for Meg dorkily: IS MEG THE WORST WOMAN EVER, UNWORTHY OF HERCULES AND ALL HIS HARD WORK FOR HER, BECAUSE SHE ALREADY HAD LOVED ANOTHER GUY BEFORE HIM AND HERCULES DOESN’T HAVE AS MANY EXPERIENCES WITH LOVE AS SHE DOES???

Sounds extreme? Well, that is literally what that question sounds like to me, Anon.

People in this world get into as many relationships as they want to. People don’t always find love right away. People can fall in and out of love. People can have meaningless encounters with others just because they feel like it.

And even then, there’s a chance any of those people will eventually find someone they will be happy with, for good, for the rest of their lives! Why the HELL would their past have anything to do with their ability to commit to the “right” partner in the future? Commitment ISN’T about having no romances or relationships with anyone else until you found the right person: commitment is about THE RIGHT PERSON. It’s about CHOOSING that person, for good, for the rest of your life if that’s how you want it! If you’re “committed” to someone but all you ever do is look at how many people they were with before you, or thinking “he’s gonna cheat on me as soon as I tear my eyes off him”, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. IT’S NOT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, IT’S YOU. 

Because you don’t trust the guy! Because you refuse to believe his commitment to you is real! And hell, in some cases, maybe it’s not real! Maybe the person in question is going to cheat on you! But in some cases it is, and how the FUCK would you feel if you were in a relationship with someone who keeps assuming your love for them isn’t real? Someone who thinks your commitment to them is false because as soon as you find a better offer, you’ll go running and ditch them, no matter if you have said and proven you love them a thousand times? If that person kept trying to control who you’re friends with, who you talk to, if you’re close to anyone you COULD MAYBE HAVE any romantic history or attachment to? That’s fucking TOXIC. And that’s a thousand times worse than ANYTHING I’ve written between Azula and Sokka, just an FYI. I honestly despise how this shit has been romanticized often by newer generations, such as boyfriends or girlfriends going through their partner’s messages with other people to make sure they’re not being cheated on: this is sick. It’s stupid to be with someone if you’re CONSTANTLY SECOND-GUESSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP. FOR THAT MATTER, DON’T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL.

And see, Azula hasn’t second-guessed Sokka in ages. She really hasn’t. After that conversation in 112, Azula UNDERSTOOD what I’ve been trying to tell you all along: Sokka’s past doesn’t determine his future. He often made mistakes, bad decisions, mostly making them as a consequence of the pain he has endured, but he’s making a constant effort to make the right decisions by Azula since AGES before they have this conversation. After June he has no other one-night-stands. He shows no real interest in any other girls. He outright begged Azula to help him get rid of his goddamn stalker, who HARASSED him and left her goddamn underwear in his bed (he bloody CHANGED the entire bed due to how disgusted he was by this behavior).

Please, explain: how the fuck you see a guy who has spent about 125 chapters conscisouly growing, developing and fully commiting himself to a girl as a guy who will cheat on her and have more relationships and find more girls?

Want me to come out with something you won’t see coming, dear Anon?

AZULA IS GOING TO HAVE AN EXPERIENCE WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN SOKKA IN THE FUTURE, EVEN AFTER HAVING COMMITTED FULLY TO HIM IN EVERY SENSE THAT COUNTS. THE CRIME YOU’RE SO DAMN AFRAID SOKKA WILL COMMIT? IT’LL BE AZULA COMMITTING IT, NOT HIM.

And in the mean time, Sokka won’t ever be with anyone but Azula until the time he dies :’) something I’ve ALREADY answered in many asks in the past.

Wow. Spoilers much? Well, you fucking asked for it. I’m so damn tired of this, Anon. I’m seriously, SERIOUSLY, tired of this. But I HAVE to keep going :’) because if I don’t? You’ll come back. And I really don’t want you to.

Why did you absolutely want to make Sokka sleep with someone different that day? From my get Sokka was already angry at Azula and the things would've been not any different if he wouldn't have done it. So why did you have the need to make him sleep with someone that badly when things wouldnt be any different. Only the falling into forest wouldve been a bit different. I can't see why this sleeping with someone was so neccessary. Why was it important for you?

Why did I absolutely want it? I didn’t. I actually didn’t. 

Here’s a funny secret: my beta at the time was the one to suggest Sokka could do this. I wasn’t exactly big on the idea, until the character of June popped in my head and I realized that actually might work within the story: she’s not only physically similar enough to Azula that I could get away with basically writing it as a Sokkla hate-sex scene until Sokka realizes it’s not her, but June is also a completely free-spirited character whose entire priorities in the world are money and her shirshu. That’s literally it. With a character like June? There was no need to worry about the unpleasant twists I often see in fics where the main couple aren’t together yet, and either one or both members of the couple go for other people until they finally choose to be together: June WASN’T going to fall in love with Sokka. She doesn’t give a flying fuck about him. She’s amused by the situation until she’s annoyed by him. Then she’s amused again when she connects the dots once she sees Azula and Sokka at the nasty town where they bump into each other. And she ONLY grows fond of Sokka at the same time as she grows fond of Azula: IN JEONG JEONG’S ARC :’) Before that? These two probably don’t even cross her mind outside of hearing occasional rumors about Azula, and then she probably just used to go “lol I wonder if she finally had the guts to make a move on him”. 

Hence, June was my ideal choice. She didn’t care. She doesn’t give a single fuck in 28. She’s just in it for her own amusement, for her own satisfaction. Anyone else? An OC, Suki, anyone else who could’ve crossed my mind? They might have actually developed feelings for Sokka. And I didn’t want THAT. Hence, I didn’t do that. I chose June because I wanted this to be a bad moment that would stay in the past with no chances of rekindling in the future.

Now, why did I follow suit with my beta’s suggestion? Because she was right about one thing, at the time: Sokka isn’t committed to Azula at this point. Sokka is furious upon thinking he’s fallen into Azula’s web and he refuses to play her game. That he ends up sleeping with someone else, and going to her that night, and shouting all the things he does, was Sokka’s attempt to defy Azula’s eagerness to control his life, which, yes, she is attempting to do just that. She’s developing feelings for him, sure, but she doesn’t want him to be free to choose because she’s SURE he won’t ever choose her. A main element in Azula’s Part 1 character development was meant to be about teaching Azula that upon building a real, honest bond with Sokka, he’d end up choosing her above everything else, WHICH, BY THE TIME SHE’S LEARNED TO GIVE HIM SUCH FREEDOM, HE DOES.

Sokka isn’t a perfect romance lead. I never planned for him to be that. I have written perfect romance leads! Fact is, Rui Shi is basically that, isn’t he? So I don’t even have to dig around to find an example. Sokka was NEVER meant to be perfect. And his starting point with Azula is DREADFUL. He is absolutely attracted to her physically, but his constant resisting of their attraction results in him making terrible mistakes that he has to own up to, AND HE DOES :’) Constantly. He doesn’t EVER force Azula to think she must be committed to him, because he doesn’t even feel worthy of her most the damn time! All of it, due to those mistakes he made! Azula outright has to tell him to forgive himself because he just won’t do it! :’D He’s even worse about this than you are, Anon, fancy that!

And why isn’t Sokka a perfect romance lead, even if I’ve done my very best in recent arcs to make him as romantic and caring and giving towards Azula as he possibly can be? Because I don’t care for writing a static, boring, simplistic story. I just don’t. There’s too much baggage, too much drama, too many things Sokka and Azula HAD to resolve before their relationship reached the heights it has.

So, sure, let’s imagine Sokka doesn’t sleep with June. Then, Azula doesn’t know he’s ever been with someone else, because he’s ashamed of what he HAD TO DO in Hui Yi and doesn’t want her to know about it anyhow: once she finds out about it, she’ll feel a thousand times more betrayed than she already did because she would have wrongfully assumed he was every bit as pure as she was. How NICE it would be if he hadn’t been with anyone that night! :’)

But let’s focus on the plot for a sec, will we? Forget about Xin Long: if Sokka hadn’t met June beforehand, and she doesn’t understand what’s up with Sokka and Azula, June won’t give a single crap about Azula’s plight and won’t tell her where the Rough Rhinos went :’) then, chances are the Rough Rhinos escape. And if the Rough Rhinos escape, Azula’s first big successful mission is a failure. She doesn’t get lost with Sokka in the forest, she doesn’t find her dragon, she fails her father and she probably won’t have many other opportunities to prove herself in the future. Iroh gets away with proving Azula can’t fulfill Ozai’s expectations, and probably uses this as leverage to convince more of Ozai’s court that Zuko is a better candidate for the throne, considering he’s already the firstborn child :’)

LOVELY, ISN’T IT??? :’)

Sokka wasn’t that angry until he does sleep with June, because by then he confirms what he already suspects: he can’t get Azula out of his mind, no matter what. His ENTIRE plan with June (and Suki) was to get involved with any other woman so he could get rid of his feelings for Azula by basically transferring them to someone else. To break free from Azula’s influence on him. Why? 

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO LOVE THE WOMAN WHO, EVEN IF INDIRECTLY, PUT HIM THROUGH THE HELL OF HUI YI. 

THE WOMAN WHO DRAGGED HIM AWAY FROM HOME. 

THE WOMAN WHO HOLDS HERSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG IN SOKKA’S LIFE, EVEN IF SOKKA HIMSELF WON’T HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE FOR MOST OF THESE THINGS ANYMORE.

No, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to feel this way about Azula. They had been getting to know each other for a few months, sure! But half that process had been arguments and spats, clashes and problems that sometimes had terrible outcomes. Remember Azula was outright ready to ditch Sokka as her gladiator after his second fight? She was DETERMINED to do that, until she received a challenge by the Blind Bandit, and she took advantage of this challenge to TEST SOKKA. TO SEE IF HE HAD LEARNED HIS LESSON, ONLY FOR HIM TO END UP HALF-DEAD AS A RESULT.

Can’t you tell both of them made a thousand mistakes, ESPECIALLY at the start of the story? 

IT’S NOT AN ACCIDENT. IT’S DELIBERATE. I WANTED THEM TO MAKE THOSE MISTAKES! BECAUSE CHARACTERS WHO MAKE MISTAKES LEND THEMSELVES FOR BETTER STORIES!

I am sick to my core of the Internet’s purity bullshit of the past years. It’s disgusting to me. The fact that I’ve read there are writers out there who are outright whitewashing their own characters’s worst traits in major media content instead of working them out narratively? It makes me want to hurl. This is NOT quality storytelling. If you, as a writer, choose a setting with specific strife and difficult themes, you don’t get away with shirking off those themes and pretending they’re not there because “oh no, someone will be uncomfortable and I can’t possibly risk that!” You don’t write a character as racist on one season only to downplay the racism in later seasons, with no development needed, so that people won’t hate that character as much as they used to (that link is a specific, direct example of what I’m referring to, one that hopefully will explain why, when my characters fuck up, I do my best to make them 1. own up to it 2. learn from it 3. never make the same mistakes again :’) but I don’t even know if you’ll bother watching five minutes of an explanation, considering you’ll probably stopped reading my reply about 5K words ago).

Hence, I wrote Sokka making the mistakes he made DELIBERATELY. 100% KNOWINGLY. I knew there would be people uncomfortable with it: I’M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT! I don’t like this particular element of my story! But do I think it was necessary? YES. Because with the conflict triggered by BOTH Azula and Sokka’s mistakes during the earliest arcs of the story, their characters DEVELOP. They GROW. They CHANGE. Without such development, there’s NO WAY the story would be where it is now. And maybe you’d be fine with that, but I sure as fuck am not. Gladiator isn’t exempt of flaws, of course it’s not, and I have no delusions of the opposite, but what you’re so obsessed with isn’t necessarily a flaw, it’s merely something you personally disliked and that you can’t seem to get over!

Which... begs the question. It really does.

WHY ARE YOU READING A STORY THAT MAKES YOU SO UNCOMFORTABLE?

I thought making Sokka work for Azula’s forgiveness to such humiliating extent (she literally walks over him at one point? He keeps shrinking and wincing and being completely mild and meek around her because he’s that sorry for what he did? He virtually STARVES himself in the forest so Azula can eat because she’s the one that matters, not himself?) would somehow make people like you, and as far as I know, many others, realize that Sokka was genuinely sorry. That Sokka had finally understood where he’d gone wrong, and that he would never misunderstand Azula’s feelings and intentions that way again.

Clearly, I was the one who was wrong. Because yep, it’s not just you, there’s a ton of people out there who can’t seem to get over what Sokka did in those chapters, or what he did in Hui Yi. And you know, I really think it’s unfair? Both on the characters, and on me as the writer? Because it’s not like I swept things under a rug, like in that link I gave you up there: I put Sokka through the wringer constantly, in fact, to the point where I even have thought it was too much! And beyond that... Sokka meant to stay by Azula’s side as her gladiator and nothing more, at first. Once they finally talk things through, that’s what they’re determined to be: there’s still lingering feelings, but their plan is to NOT act on them. And yes, it’s true, Sokka has one slip-up when Azula helps him cope with his feelings in chapter 50! But that’s what it’s framed as: a slip-up. He was impulsive, unable to hold back the emotions that led him to kiss her, and she kisses him back until they both realized this WASN’T supposed to happen between them ever again. Then, Sokka looks after Azula while she’s sick, and all his protective instincts are triggered... to the point where he realizes he outright LOVES Azula.

And even then, Sokka doesn’t act on his feelings again until Ember Island, point at which he only acts on them to show Azula she is NOT the monster she thinks she is. He does it FOR HER. He outright refrains from taking their exchanges as far as he deeply wanted them to go, because this is NOT ABOUT HIM. He wanted to make sure Azula would feel better, that she would understand she’s only human, and that her worst sides don’t make her any less human than anyone else.

My point is: I didn’t make Sokka work as hard as he did because he thought he’d get it on with Azula if he earned her forgiveness. I didn’t make Sokka fall in love with Azula while thinking only of himself, his feelings, his needs, above hers: IT’S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT. This guy is so in love with her he forgets himself with her, he’d die for her, hell, he’d even KILL for her, when one of Sokka’s biggest traumas EVER is about having to kill people. He doesn’t want to do that EVER AGAIN. And yet, if it’s for Azula’s sake, he will sacrifice his soul as many times as he must to keep her safe.

But the biggest thing I have to stress here? Sokka would have been willing to do every single one of those things for her even if Azula hadn’t wanted anything romantic to happen between them ever again.

If Azula had rejected him, kept him at bay, and the story had turned into an unbearable pining soap opera forevermore, Sokka would STILL do everything he has done for Azula. He wouldn’t expect her to love him back. He wouldn’t make demads of her in those regards. He would only love her as he does, because that’s what love is for this man. That’s what I developed him for. And if you don’t care to see it, Anon, that’s 100% on you, because I KNOW that’s what is there. You can’t simply take two instances of Sokka saying two stupid things and annul 188 chapters of Sokka developing into a man who would outright choose Azula OVER HIS OWN FAMILY. If you can’t understand the magnitude of this decision, how much it means for Sokka, SOKKA, to choose someone above his family? Above his people? Then you’ve got a real serious problem with grasping Sokka’s character. A very, very serious one. Probably since canon.

So... to finish off this particular subject: IT’S IMPORTANT FOR ME BECAUSE I WANT MY CHARACTERS TO GROW, CHANGE AND DEVELOP. AND THAT’S WHY I TOOK MY BETA UP ON THAT SUGGESTION AS I DID. I DON’T WANT MY CHARACTERS TO BE PERFECT RIGHT OFF THE BAT BECAUSE IT’S WRONG, IT’S BORING, IT’S NOT EVEN IC. IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME, AS A WRITER, TO WRITE ABOUT CHARACTERS WHO CAN DO NO WRONG AND WHO NEVER HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR WAYS. BOTH AZULA AND SOKKA HAVE HAD TO GROW A TON THROUGHOUT GLADIATOR, AND IF YOU CAN’T SEE SOKKA’S GROWTH FOR YOURSELF, I’M PRETTY DAMN SURE IT’S BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE IT.

Sooo sick of people stories ALWAYS let men fuck be the lucky one and get the perfect woman who gives herself COMPLETELY to him. Then man says „its in the past I love you only" wtf? Sleep with others use it on Azula his 9th on the list. I respect you for being so strong and writing this as a girl. I get the crisis, so tired. Kudos Azula for letting herself in his arms so comfortably. I REALLY wish I could do this too. At least Suki and Song are lucky. Sorry for venting I'm just broken and stupid

I have no idea if this is you too. Maybe it is. But if not, I’m quoting it too, because why the fuck not. Why the fuck not.

I suppose I can at least commend this one for knowing Azula is the 9th rather than the 12th, huh? At least they read that much right.

To this Anon: please, stop venting about this to the writer who apparently disappointed you that badly for making a decision that is consistent with the situation the characters are in.

Frankly, I’m absolutely grossed out by the people who seem to think Azula, Princess Azula unto whom I’ve forced horrible purity societal pressures that ARE UNFAIR AND MAKE NO SENSE, AND SHE CONSTANTLY SAYS SO THROUGH THE STORY, should have had as many experiences as Sokka so that “they’re even”. The bloody audacity to look at what Sokka went through in Hui Yi and think “WELL BUT IT’S SEX SO AZULA SHOULD HAVE LOTS OF GUYS TOO!” completely BAFFLES me.

Literally, Azula’s ONLY experience before Sokka, AKA, CHAN, is a thousand times healthier and more genuine than ANYTHING Sokka ever went through. And nobody is fucking throwing a fit about that.

Why do I say this? :D

NOBODY WAS FORCING AZULA TO KISS CHAN. NOT IN CANON. NOT IN GLADIATOR

AZULA LIKED CHAN AND DELIBERATELY CHOSE TO GO FOR HIM BECAUSE SHE FELT LIKE IT. NO ONE WAS MAKING THIS CHOICE FOR HER.

AZULA WASN’T PRETENDING CHAN WAS SOMEONE ELSE WHILE SHE KISSED HIM. SHE WAS PERFECTLY FULFILLED BY KISSING A GUY FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT SHE WAS LOOKING FOR.

Meanwhile: Sokka is FORCED to be with the women in Hui Yi. Someone is going to outright either hurt or kill them if he doesn’t do it.

Meanwhile: Sokka didn’t necessarily like any of the women he was with, not the Hui Yi ones, not June. June merely wants mindless fucking, Sokka tells her from the start he doesn’t think it will work at all: IT DOESN’T. It’s JUNE being forward. At worst, Sokka can be blamed for not putting a harsh stop to June before anything happened. But he wasn’t even the one with the initiative: JUNE WAS. In Hui Yi, goes without saying, he didn’t get to choose, they basically would just go to him and he’d do what he had to do. The fucking end.

Meanwhile: Sokka was dead-like with June up until he lets himself imagine she’s Azula, the only way for him to actually go forward with what’s going on. Afterwards, HE’S APPALLED WITH HIMSELF. HE’S MISERABLE. HE’S UNHAPPY. 

Azula had the normal, nice, socially acceptable teenage experience of having a brief crush on a guy and trying to see if something would come from it: SOKKA HAS BEEN A SLAVE EVER SINCE CHAPTER 2. Their social positions are MILES apart. And, as free as Sokka is to fuck whoever he wants: HE DOESN’T CHOOSE, DELIBERATELY, TO DO SO. He only does it in Hui Yi and with June, and after realizing with June that this just won’t work because he won’t get Azula off his mind, HE DOESN’T SLEEP WITH ANYONE ELSE UNTIL HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH AZULA BEGINS.

You’re basically pretending that a slave, in the lowest of levels in society, lives his life freely without restraint, just as a girl at the top of the world can. They both have very specific problems: Azula is forced NOT to be with anyone until marriage, whether she wants someone or not, whereas Sokka ends up getting sex FORCED ON HIM. Completely, radically opposite sides of a spectrum that I’ve done my damnedest to build up believably and understandably. But all this just goes over your head, right? You’d much rather ignore and annul my entire fucking worldbuilding, just because it tickles you poorly that the guy in this story has more experience in sex than the girl. You’re throwing major themes in Gladiator out the window (Azula outright fighting to demand actual equality instead of the subtle, constant, undermining sexism the Fire Nation is permeated with), because it makes you personally uncomfortable for a girl to be a virgin and a guy not to be (despite, in this day and age, there’s A LOT of content in the world where characters involved are either perfectly virginal or equally promiscuous, and you could be enjoying that instead of reading Gladiator).

Newsflash: you’re just as bad as the people who demand virginity and purity from women if you demand it from men. 

Nobody is LESS or MORE of a person because of how many people they sleep with. NOBODY. This shouldn’t even have to be said. I can’t even believe that it NEEDS to be, but I’m saying it anyways. It’s absolutely STUPID to me that there’s readers out here that weigh everything in regards of how many people someone has been with. What sort of backwards mentality is this? 

By far, Gladiator-wise, NO ONE has slept with as many people as Ty Lee has. 

NO ONE.

Where’s the goddamn shitfest at Ty Lee for this? Haru had a few experiences before being with her, sure! But they were NOTHING compared to the amount Ty Lee had. Ty Lee did whatever the hell she wanted since her teenage years, with whoever she wanted, and she got away with it until she was caught. Then, Azula stepped in to help her avoid total social annihilation! :’D why?

BECAUSE IT SHOULDN’T MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE TY LEE HAS BEEN WITH. BECAUSE AZULA KNOWS TY LEE’S WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW “PURE” SHE MAY BE BEFORE MARRIAGE.

JUST AS AZULA’S OWN WORTH IS FAR AND BEYOND AND ABOVE THAT SHIT :’)

And god, it’s just so ridiculous! Soooo ridiculous! That I’m out here, writing a huge story that’s meant to feature, eventually, the big fallout resulting of the discovery of Azula’s long-gone purity, a fallout that Azula will be fighting against with all her might, trying to defend her right to live her life, to love whoever she wants, to defend her worth and value as a person and resist the traditionalistic oppressive tyranny of her own FATHER...!

And you’re out here, fucking shitting yourself in rage, because Sokka has had more sexual partners and experiences than Azula.

It’s fascinating for the whole POINT of the story to soar so far over your head that you just can’t even see it anymore. For you to be so hung up on stuff Sokka did between chapters 2-3 and in chapter 28, AND NOTHING MORE, as if THAT is what determines Sokka’s worth as a human being and as Azula’s partner. And damn, try as I might, I can’t make someone learn better if they’re stuck with this mentality because they truly believe that if you’ve had more partners you’re somehow worse than by having less. I can’t. It’s up to you people to get over this attitude, because I can’t do more to teach you human nuance and complexity than I already have. I’m too tired to try anymore.

And of course, writers shouldn’t have to defend their work as I’m defending mine now. I should probably just lie down and take the criticism I’m tossed without complaint, shouldn’t I? I mean, haha, I also got this Anon, so very considerately, saying:

Hello I am that anon who asked you the Sokka sleeping with someone question. I think you shouldn't stress or get angry and hurt when you get question about this matter. It is a big and questiniongly part of your story. No one can judge your talent or you but people can ask questions about this or can't they? Its just that it was not neccessary for some readers seems like.

Which, I think, is probably the first person all over again.

I SHOULDN’T get stressed or angry or hurt? Oh, wow. So, on top of everything, I can’t even have feelings. I’m supposed to be a fucking doormat :’) beautiful. I love it.

Have you taken notice of how many asks I’ve already quoted in this answer? That’s not even half of what I’ve had in my inbox pertaining this subject, whether from you or someone else. Back when the story was starting? I got asks about this VERY OFTEN, by someone who eventually came back and apologized (and boy, do I hope that none of the asks I’ve quoted were sent by that person, I seriously hope they didn’t backtrack on their apparent understanding of what I was doing with the story), and I don’t even know how many others too. It was people, just like you, who would read over my answers and just cherrypick the story trying to find any excuses to villify Sokka and paint him as undeserving and ungrateful and I don’t even know what else regarding Azula and their bond. Whether because he slept with a “ton” of people or because he made her cry or because of whatever reason you want to choose.

... When Azula can be fucking held responsible for literally making Sokka suicidal.

Fucking grapple with that for a sec, can you? :’) Imagine what it’s like falling in love with someone who once hurt you so badly you thought you wanted your life to be over. Do tell me how easily you’d get over your reservations, LONG before this person even SAYS SHE’S SORRY. BECAUSE. HAHA. AZULA DIDN’T EVEN APOLOGIZE FOR IT FOR FIFTY-FIVE CHAPTERS. JUST AN FYI. AND NONE OF YOU. NOOOONE OF YOU. GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT DETAIL. IT’D BE HILARIOUS IF IT WEREN’T SO OUTRAGEOUS.

Anyways. Getting back on track: people HAVE asked questions about this. Constantly. Consistently. Without restraint, ever since I first wrote it. Without bloody bothering to go through my blog first and find out if maaaaybe I’ve already addressed their concerns. And the worst part? I’ve actually had many askers, countless anons, lots of people talking to me about many things. Yes, I’ve had a million arguments on Tumblr, and not everything ended well.

But pal. Pal. Guess what’s the only subject that KEEPS ON COMING RIGHT BACK, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I DEAL WITH IT, AND IT’S ALWAYS, ALWAYS, WITH THE SAME SPECIFIC “SOKKA IS THE WORST” FOCUS???? :’)

Think about something you did seven years ago. Be it something you were proud of, or something you’re sad about, or just something that you really don’t think much of anymore, because you’ve moved on from that since ages ago.

And then imagine spending seven years. Receiving questions. Constantly. Whether rude or not. Whether thoughtful or not (usually the latter, tbh). Whether necessary or not. Whether already answered or not. About that very thing you’ve been over. That very specific thing from SEVEN YEARS AGO.

I’m tired, Anon, of dealing with this specific subject, because everyone who has come to me with this BS has been a pain in the ass: THEY KEEP COMING BACK. YOU’RE NOT THE FIRST ONE WHO DOES. IT’S INCREDIBLE. I’ve answered a thousand asks, and I do get follow-up questions sometimes, but NEVER as many or as frequently as THIS! And the part that I just can’t believe is that there’s people who write stuff that are thousands of times more complicated than what I did here (in terms of giving the characters even MORE love interests, like, genuine love triangles and actual love involved rather than a mere quick thing), and I don’t see anyone giving them a single hint of grief for that. Not even a smidge, not even if they leave the subject up in the air or unresolved later on. I’ve read stories that feature pairings I’m absolutely uncomfortable with, actual pairings that have a longer lasting relationship in the story than the pairing I was reading for! There’s literally a story in another fandom where the main relationship lasts, what, 6 months? Maybe? And then they break up. And then the guy goes on to have a fuckbuddy for YEARS. Meaning, the relationship with the fuckbuddy is longer and more stable than the ship the story is actually marked for.

And I didn’t give the writer even the SLIGHTEST grief for it.

Why the hell do you (and everyone else who has been so hung up about this subject) feel the need, or the entitlement, to determine that I need to put up with these questions? That I somehow earned them and need to answer them every time? Because, heh, I outright stopped answering for a long time because I didn’t want to. Because I was TIRED. Because I hoped, fruitlessly, that if I didn’t give you guys the attention you were so desperate for, you’d eventually get bored or realize that I DON’T CARE FOR THIS SUBJECT ANYMORE. I AM OVER IT. I HAVE BEEN OVER IT FOR AGES.

But SOMEHOW, getting me to the point where I’d be stressed, upset, outraged and annoyed was absolutely worth it for you guys. Seriously, what the hell do you think I am? A big monolith that just spews words and has zero emotions whatsoever? I’ve given SEVEN YEARS of my life to this story. Have you ever done this for ANYTHING in your life? Have you ever devoted yourself to a project to this extent? No? Then you don’t get to dictate whether I should be annoyed, upset, angry, irritated or whatever the fuck I feel when I get asks as persistent, thoughtless and devoid of proper reflection as the ones I CONSTANTLY get over 28 and everything related to Sokka’s past with named and nameless women alike.

And hey, just so you know, someone recently said they thought it wasn’t necessary for Whaletail Island’s arc to end as it did. That there shouldn’t be a 1-year interval until Sokka can meet his family, his FATHER, again. That Katara, Aang, Zuko and Kino totally should have stayed outside the South Pole and helped fight against Ozai merely because the Gaang was FINALLY together!!!

... Conveniently forgetting the ENTIRE purpose for the South Pole group’s trip to Whaletail Island was for them to find food with which they could help a starving, dying village.

So excuse me if some people “questioning” my story doesn’t make me question my choices the way you guys apparently expect me to. Because at this point, the “questioning” I’m receiving is honestly so thoughtless, so poorly conceived, just done for YOUR SUBJECTIVE CONVENIENCE, without taking the full picture into account, even in situations like this one, where it’s bloody obvious Zuko won’t go fight the Fire Nation when his wife and child could be the next ones to bite the dust and that’s the whole reason he even left??? I’m not even talking about the bigger picture that I get to see as a writer, I mean the bigger picture in regards of character feelings and motivations... you people do see that. You have it, explained outright, perhaps too explained! Hell, if my literature teachers read Gladiator they’d likely cringe at how often I SPELL EVERYTHING OUT instead of leaving a few things for the reader to fill the gaps! Oh, but naaaaah, I have to come here, spend HOURS of my day answering asks about why Sokka got to sleep with people when Azula didn’t, and why do I think he’s loyal to her if he did that before he was committed to Azula, and if he’s going to sleep with more people because of COURSE, if he was with anyone else before her it means he will be again in the future...!

When I could be using all this time to actually work on stuff that I DO want to work on. Namely, building up the story further. With some very dark, serious, difficult developments that I’m trying to be in the right place to write.

And asks like these? They sure as fuck don’t help. Not only do they distract me, they have NOTHING to do with what I’m working on right now. I’ve considered the subject of Sokka’s past experiences as closed and DONE since chapter 112, and I don’t need you, or anyone else, to come to me and beg for more explanations than the pretty damn extensive ones you already got in a PRETTY DAMN EXTENSIVE STORY.

If you still read Gladiator at this point. If you reach chapter 187 and see a Sokka who hugs Azula, twirls her in midair, damn near crying of bliss because she said she loved him in public, in front of their siblings, a Sokka who is choosing to stay with her, without a shred of a doubt, with his heart COMPLETELY set on HER, instead of going back to a family who used to be THE ONLY THING he cared about in life, and you somehow conclude “this guy would totally cheat on Azula if he had the chance”... then I’m sorry but I HAVE every right to be angry. I have every right to be completely beside myself as I am. 

Because you’re basically saying that I spent SEVEN YEARS developing this character, this relationship, this story, and it went to waste. Because you refuse to believe, for personal reasons, that Sokka is in any way deserving of his bond with Azula. Because somehow you think this is CONTRADICTORY, when merely looking at things with a slightly more open mind, reveals that this isn’t contradiction: IT’S NUANCE. It’s COMPLEXITY. It’s the fact that a character can change their mind about certain things, they can deplore certain mistakes they made, they can regret their actions in retrospect, and my characters? They sure do that. All the bloody time. Azula does it constantly, and for good reason. But it just goes right over your head, and it’s because you want it to. I refuse to believe you can’t understand what I’ve explained before, and what I’m explaining now: you don’t want to understand it, which is different. You want to condemn Sokka, and you want to feel validated in your discomfort about one specific, long-resolved plot point of the story, demanding for explanations of why it was necessary when you really don’t care for the explanations: you just wish it hadn’t happened at all.

And great! You can wish that all you like! Why the hell not? But you don’t get to pelt me day after day with criticism that falls apart easier than a card castle as soon as I take a look at what I wrote in the story, only to then pick ANOTHER quote, OUT OF CONTEXT, to once again present your case of why this is just wrong and bad and not written the way you want it to be.

I’ve received legitimate, valid criticism of many aspects of Gladiator. I always ended up feeling pretty bad after, but the valid ones? I realized, even if it hurt, that they were true. That some of that made sense. That, if I got to write this story all over again, I probably should fix those details and not get overwhelmed by my excitement to get to the meat of the story, which is why some developments of the introduction arc are so rushed compared to everything else. It was my inexperience, my mistake. I’ve made mistakes later on too, and I’ve taken note of them as well, despite I’m doing my best to incorporate them into the story as seamlessly as possible so that they even tie in with canon fairly well. In short, I don’t believe Gladiator is perfect, and sometimes when people tell me as much? I know they’re right. I take what I can from that, and learn from it, if possible.

But this? The criticism I’ve received for 28, and for Sokka’s past, is 100% subjective, CONSTANTLY. I’ve never read any that genuinely makes me go “oh well that’s a good point, maybe it’s OOC or maybe I could’ve done it differently to the exact same results without the same elements”. It’s always, to varying degrees, “I hate that you’re writing for one specific ship but allowed one member of the ship to have experiences with other people before he really got together with his one true love and I’m going to pester you about it until I finally get bored of making you rant and ramble for hours to no avail because I won’t listen to anything you say”.

So, yes. I feel justified in lashing right back at you for the backlash. Because this isn’t just you, it’s a lot of people, like you said! And you’re ALL free to hate what happened, I’ve never said you have to like it and I never will. But if you’re going to criticize? You’re open for criticism too. Fact is, if you wanted to actually talk about this properly? You’d get off anon and we’d have (I hope) a decent conversation via messaging about ALL that bothers you about this story. I’d even be a thousand times more civil than I have been so far! And why would I act so differently? Because you’re an anon. Because you’re HIDING. And from the shadows, you toss all this criticism at me and then whine because I don’t like it. Well, own up to your own shit too, Anon. If you wanted a real debate, if you had the ARGUMENTS for a real debate, we could have one just fine. But you don’t. And if you get the privilege of anonymity, I get the privilege of speaking my mind with zero regard of your feelings, because that’s basically how you, and all the anons I’ve quoted (whether they’re you or anyone else) have behaved as so far.

Yes, I write, and I post what I write online, which leaves the gateway open for criticism for sure. 

It doesn’t give you the right to be this persistent of an asshole to the point of saying I have no right to be annoyed by your questions. You don’t have the slightest idea of how much work I’ve put into Gladiator for the past seven years. You don’t have the slightest grasp of character development if you don’t understand THAT is what’s been happening with Sokka all along. And you don’t get to decide how I feel about your asks, or anyone else’s.

You can send another ask about ANYTHING regarding this subject, be it my inability to handle “criticism”, or chapter 28, or chapters 111-112 and their respective revelations about Sokka’s past, or your presumed belief that Sokka will be with a thousand women despite he’s completely committed to Azula by now... but this time I mean it: YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANOTHER ANSWER OUT OF ME. I’ve had it. This is the last straw. I’m done discussing this subject, and I’ll outright change my askbox’s message for you to remember that if you try to pull this again.

Now then. Can I finally go back to working on my story, or must I continue to invest HOURS of my day spelling out all the writing decisions I’ve made that you can’t make your peace with?

Please, Anon: get over it. If you can’t, stop reading. You’ll be happier that way. And so will I. I’m in no place, emotionally, for this kind of BS on my inbox all the damn time. Give me a goddamn break if you truly have any respect for what I do.

[ibvix]

[bopinion]

2021 / 26

Aperçu of the Week:

"If Europe were once united in the sharing of its common inheritance, there would be no limit to the happiness, the prosperity, and the glory which its people would enjoy."

Sir Winston Churchill

Bad News of the Week:

Over the years, the EU has evolved from a purely economic alliance into a community of values. Article 2 of the Treaty on European Union makes this "respect for human dignity, freedom, democracy, equality, the rule of law and respect for human rights." And these values must be defended. Unfortunately, not only externally in bilateral relations with the whole world, but increasingly internally. Two incidents of the last week fill me with concern in this regard.

The highest body of the EU is the so-called Council, consisting of the heads of government of all member states. The presidency rotates every 6 months, and since July 1, 2021, it is held by Slovenian Prime Minister Janez Janša. The former constituent republic of socialist Yugoslavia and of it since 2004 first EU member is a European success story. A member of NATO and, since 2007, of the euro zone, Slovenia is now the most prosperous country in the Balkans. According to a 2020 assessment by the Bertelsmann Stiftung, it has achieved above-average success in its economic transformation and political development. And the United Nations Development Program ranks the parliamentary republic among the countries with very high human development.

So the European community of values should actually be in good hands with the head of government of this model student of democratization. Actually. Because Janša, to put it mildly, is polarizing. He repeatedly doubted that global warming in the context of climate change was man-made. He argues for the right of Slovenian citizens to carry firearms. He considers "cultural Marxism" a key threat to the European Union. He congratulated incumbent Donald Trump on his election victory in 2020 before the vote count ended. He has been investigated several times for corruption, once resulting in a prison sentence. He sympathizes with Identitarian movements. He constantly tries to undermine freedom of the press and independence of the judiciary. And and and...

Usually, an EU Council president is expected to moderate, to seek balance, to mediate, to push the general agenda forward, etc. But this agenda currently includes possible sanctions against member states if they do not respect the defined values. The headliner here is, of course, Viktor Orbán. And now Janša has backed Orbán in the dispute over a Hungarian law restricting minors' rights to information on homosexuality. It is to be feared that he will instrumentalize his temporary office - for the first time in its history - to support personal interests. And he will gladly do so against the EU itself.

Another essential body of the EU is the directly elected parliament. In it, the political camps form factions according to their basic orientation, with conservatives, social democrats, liberals and greens dominating. This stable structure, which reflects the preferences of EU citizens, is now facing a challenge: the right-wing populists.

Under the leadership of Marine Le Pen of France's Rassemblement National, Matteo Salvini of Italy's Lega and Viktor Orbán of Hungary's Fidesz, 16 parties explicitly belonging to the right-wing spectrum are preparing to build a new alliance. In addition to the above-mentioned parties, the corresponding parties from Poland, Spain, Austria, Belgium, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Lithuania, Romania, Greece, Bulgaria and the Netherlands are also part of the alliance.

The planned alliance is the "first stone" in the construction of an alliance to "reform Europe," according to the official declaration of intent. This alliance is the "basis of a common cultural and political work," adds Le Pen, Salvini calls the agreement a "charter of values" on the basis of which a Europe is to be built that is based "on freedom and identity instead of bureaucracy and standardization." In other words, they are planning the overthrow.

Good News of the Week:

A fundamental pillar of every democratic legal system is the principle of "giving the accused the benefit of the doubt". Even in ancient Rome, "In dubio pro reo" applied, and it is still true today: everyone must be presumed innocent until proven guilty. That is good and makes sense. In the 19th century, people in this country spoke of preferring to let twelve guilty people go free rather than hang one innocent person. Innocence weighed more than guilt. So far, so civilized.

Another legal principle in ancient Rome was "Ne bis in idem": (You can) not (be accused) twice for the same. This principle, too, has made it into the modern rule of law. Until last week. Because then the German Bundestag decided to change the underlying law. The background to this is the availability today of forensic and criminal technology resources and tools that did not exist in the past. The decision is causing a great deal of discussion among legal experts.

On the one hand, some see it as calling into question the legal authority of the judiciary. After all, the verdict must be valid - forever. Publicist Franziska Augstein (yes, she is his daughter) denounces this with verve under the headline "Forever suspect". The law would subject once accused to lifelong fear. They would face a lifetime of having their case retried. So what? Victims always have to suffer the consequences of a crime for life.

On the other hand, in some cases it is possible to prove guilt after the fact. I can remember a case in which, after twenty years, fiber and DNA traces led to the conviction of a perpetrator who had kidnapped a child and left it to die in captivity. But at that time he was acquitted for lack of evidence (which was technically not usable at that time). And therefore - "Ne bis in idem" - he could not be charged and convicted again. He remained a free man despite proven guilt. How do you want to explain this to the parents of this child? Everything in me bristles.

Other news of the last days: Bill Cosby was released early from prison. He was the first legally convicted celebrity in #metoo. So why was a clearly guilty man who drugged and raped women released early? For one thing, because many of his at least 60 victims were not considered in court because his acts were "time-barred" - another one of those issues that doesn't sit right in my head without complications. On the other hand, because there was a legal "formal error" in the agreement between two prosecutors. I also find it difficult to acknowledge this.

In this respect, I am satisfied that resourceful - and expensive, since it is usually the financial strength of a defendant that determines the quality of his defense (this, too, does not correspond to my sense of justice) - lawyers now have one less legal dodge at their disposal, which is questionable at least in some cases. For there is one principle of jurisprudence that cannot be shaken: proof beyond reasonable doubt. In my opinion, this has to count. And it should count regardless of when it came to light, by whom, and under what circumstances. Likewise victims should have a higher value than (proven!) perpetrators. After all, Justitia is supposed to be blind - and not stupid.

Personal happy moment of the week:

In French, my son got an A on a team assignment. That is remarkable. Because according to his own statement, he "hates" this school subject. Which is a shame, because after all, his stepmother, a French Canadian, and I speak and love this language. However, I have to concede to him that, especially at his age, the teacher is crucial (I just leave it there). And that the first year of a new subject under "pandemic circumstances" is anything but ideal. Nevertheless, his big sister should finally stop picking on this belle langue - after all, she is a role model!

I couldn't care less...

...that Germany has been kicked out of UEFA Euro 2020. The Belgium vs. Italy match on Friday, for example, clearly showed that there are simply much better teams at the moment. And apparently also better coaches - I really don't understand any of this, but some tactical lineups seemed questionable even to me. But that doesn't mean that I would root for England now ;-)

As I write this...

...only with the right hand, I suffer from the so called "Moderna arm" - it's a good thing that as a right-handed person I had the first COVID vaccination put into my left arm. My daughter had still told me to let my arm rotate vigorously in order to avoid exactly that. But when everyone else in the waiting area looked at me a little irritated, I let it go. That was probably a mistake.

[sserpente]

A/N: Request from @wingardium-letmefuckyou. I’m a genie in a bottle, baby, gotta catch me the right way, honey… I’m a genie in a bottle baby, come, come, come in and let me out…

Words: 2027 Warnings: sexual themes, mentions of violence and slavery

The Grandmaster was known for owning… curiosities, given his brother was The Collector himself and he never failed to brag with his possessions. Especially when an alleged God of Mischief called Loki crashed on his planet and sweet-talked him into telling him the darkest secrets of Sakaar. Loki was unbelievably charming—and it did not take long for him to build his trust, for his advice on ruling had both helped and impressed the Grandmaster exceptionally.

A reward was due if Loki was to become a true, free and cherished citizen of Sakaar. And he knew just what to get him. There was one piece in his personal collection he was particularly fond of. He had saved it for a special occasion, albeit considered using it himself. But then again, what would be the fun in that? He already had everything he could wish for. He did not need to rub a dusty old lamp to free a genie—not even for his personal good times. Loki on the other hand might find use for the dust catcher.

Besides, in all honesty, the Grandmaster was rather reluctant to give up one of his very obedient pleasure slaves to hand them to Loki. The genie would do—after all, last time he had freed you (accidentally, that was) he had promised to kill you if you failed to obey.

“Ah, there you are, there you are. Come here. You will like this.” He started enthusiastically, waving Loki into the room when he saw him entering. The God of Mischief took a long and deep breath as he strode further into the vast hall, his yellow cape flattering behind him majestically. Usually, you will like this translated to another idiotic idea this ancient man came up with on this godforsaken planet. One that Loki was anything but fond of.

He led him over to a plain pedestal, on top of it a golden lamp. It was old, oriental—Loki recognised it from history books. According to legend, these pieces of décor housed magical genies which, upon being woken, were sworn to obey their new master and grant them three wishes.

“So, Loki, I was thinking and… you’ve been very helpful to me recently. Very helpful indeed. So here’s a little… a little something to show you my gratitude.”

“That is very thoughtful.”

“Oh, so, you’re familiar with these? I guarantee you she’s a beautiful one. Oh and remember—once you’ve used up your three wishes, she’ll be free to return to her lamp.”

Loki smirked. He really was a lunatic. With the power resting in his hands when he accepted the lamp, he could take over this trashy planet within the blinking of an eye. But the key, of course, was it to never use up all of the wishes. The genie was mostly meant to be his plaything, after all. A very interesting reward indeed.

Loki thanked him again for his generosity, returning to his spacious living quarters with the lamp and chuckling darkly at the Grandmaster’s stupidity. His seidr never failed him—his manipulation skills had worked wonders.

Absentmindedly, he sat down on his bed and rubbed the lamp only to feel it grow hot in his grasp. He refrained from dropping it and instead clutched it even tighter when suddenly, purple mist erupted from the small opening and slowly transformed into a solid being right in front of him.

He had not lied. You were beautiful. Loki’s lips parted when he let his blue gaze dart over your entire form, taking in every single detail. Delicate skin, gorgeous hair and golden necklaces decorating your cleavage. Now he knew you were obliged to obey his every wish and serve him as he saw fit, yet if you lived with the Grandmaster, you should be happy to do so anyway.

He smirked when your (Y/E/C) eyes locked with his, realisation hitting you in the face like a harsh wind gust.

“Master?” You whispered timidly. Loki’s heart jumped at the sound of your voice. So innocent and pure… he might actually begin to enjoy his stay here on Sakaar. Oh… the possibilities! The sex was one thing—he had not had a woman in years—but the fact that the whole universe was now an open door ready to bend to his will alone was beyond thrilling. It was exciting. Overwhelming.

“Hello, pet. Do you have a name?”

“(Y/N)…” You stuttered. Nervously, you began to play with your purple dress. It had been peaceful in your lamp. Every time you were conjured, you learned about what it meant to feel pain, disappointment and humiliation. How could it be different this time? With him?

“And do you know my name? You recognise me.” He stated unimpressed. You nodded shyly. Of course you did. Most genies worshipped him, the one and only God of Mischief. You only remembered him as the man who attempted to rule the realm you had secretly lived on before your arrival on Sakaar.

“I… I do. You are Loki, Master. The God of Mischief.” You replied obediently. Loki nodded, pleased with your response.

Three wishes. The faster he asked for them, the faster you could return to your lamp. There was a reason humans spoke ill of genies in stories. They were cunning, tricking you into wishing for trivial things so their services would come to an end quickly. You had always admired them for this ability. After the last time, however… the first time you had been freed on Sakaar… you knew well to behave if you wanted to save yourself from suffering.

Loki smirked. The throne. Recognition. Power—invincibility. Thanos forgetting about his existence. His brother’s love. The fierce words and desires tumbled around in his head so viciously they almost made him dizzy. You were going to come in handy for sure.

“What is your first wish, Master?” You mumbled devotedly. You could see the excitement in his blue eyes. They all went mad from the possibilities. To be rich, to be famous, to have their best friend’s wife… that promotion, to be reunited with an old friend or even murder… you had done scary things over the years too.

“You are to obey me for as long as I am your Master, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Then take off your clothes.” He ordered sternly, making your heart jump. Of course. That’s what they always wanted first—especially here on Sakaar.

Loki took a deep breath. It had been a while since the last time he had seen a beautiful woman in front of him, naked, entirely exposed and willing to share his bed with him. Now he did wonder what had made you decide to join the Grandmaster’s side but as long as he got to have his fun… he was not going to care about it.

Your sigh was shaky and anxious when you slowly did as you were told, unclasping the hooks of your purple dress so it fell on the floor silently. No underwear, no bra. There was no need for those things in a magical lamp.

“How?” You asked barely audible.

“On the bed. Come. You are stunning, pet.” You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. At least he did not look violent. Some of them were—they preferred to leave bruises on your skin rather than passionate love bites. Not that you wanted any.

Mutely, you did as you were told and climbed on the mattress with shaking limbs, your backside on full display for him when you did.

Moments later, he was already towering above you, admiring your curves and breasts with both his blue eyes and surprisingly soft and warm hands. You closed your eyes. It did not feel as unpleasant as usual. Quite on the contrary… it actually felt good. Loki was incredibly gentle. He took his time to explore your body, worshipping every inch of your skin until suddenly… one of his hands sneaked between your legs. You ripped your eyes open again immediately when he found your little nub and began to coax it out of its hiding place, bringing you bliss which you had never felt before. It surprised you. And it scared you.

“You don’t have to… I mean, just… take what you want.” Nothing you can do will make this more enjoyable for me anyway.

Loki frowned. “I am not going to force myself on you.”

What, did you think genies like to serve in such a humiliating way? You almost blurted the question out loud. Instead, you simply bit your lower lip and closed your eyes again, hoping he would be quick. Having Loki inside you, for some reason, filled you with excitement, too.

And yet, the God of Mischief hesitated, his frown deepening. As much as he wanted you… he couldn’t. You did not want this; despite your body reacting to him in the most delicious ways—he could practically smell your arousal already, he was not going to become a rapist. He had been forced to do awful things under Thanos’ influence already. But this—this was him.

“Alright… get up, get dressed.”

“W-what? Please, don’t send me back to him. He will kill me if I didn’t please you.”

Loki paused. An awful moment filled with suspense and your rapidly beating heart. “It’s alright, pet. I will not send you away.”

-

Loki kept his promise. He disappeared in the attached bathroom when you finally dared to indeed put your dress on again. Once he returned, he found you standing by the huge window offering a view over the hideous city the Grandmaster had built.

Silently, he joined you. Then, for several moments, you waited for him to react. Say something, command something.

“Your wishes, Master.” Your reminded him quietly when nothing happened.

Loki chuckled. “You see, it’s funny. Everything I ever wished for… the throne, the recognition of my family and my people, them looking up to me as I care for them as their king… it seems so insignificant now that it is within my grasp.”

He was not lying—and he was being reasonable, too. He would do well to think about how to phrase his wishes. Besides, there was something about you that thoroughly intrigued him. He had wanted you for selfish purposes when he manipulated the Grandmaster into giving you to him and then… when you had shivered underneath him, naked, vulnerable and so innocent… he could not bring himself to hurt or harm you.

“A… a lot of my former masters have felt that way. The sheer possibilities were so overwhelming some of them went mad. Others simply used their wishes for trivial and insignificant things. You… seem different, Master. You think.” You admitted timidly.

Loki nodded appreciatively. And he would only make it worse if he used his three wishes right away. You would return to your lamp and return to the Grandmaster’s collection until someone else came along to abuse you. He loathed the imagination. He wanted to keep you. He wanted your body and your undying obedience for sure… but this strange, irksome and irritating part inside him also wanted to win your heart, see you smile and happy. With him. Because of him.

“No wishes for now...” He said after a long break. Tomorrow, he would show you the market and maybe the only bearable thing on this planet—a rather beautiful lake in the suburbs. It would be nice to have some company for a change. Someone who would listen to him and consider what he had to say and perhaps… perhaps there was one wish he already knew how to use. There was no guarantee you would stay with him if he set you free… but at least, there was hope. There was more of it than there ever had been with his so-called family. Loki smiled at you.

“Well, except for one. In time.” He mused mysteriously. Your lips parted when you realised, making him chuckle.

He had an oddly good feeling about this. Like this time… he had found someone who would understand. All it would take was a little time.

 -

A/N: If you enjoyed this story, I would appreciate so much if you supported me on KoFi! kofi.com/sserpente ♥

[pynkhues]

I just have ask, cause I need to just voice this.. (BTW I do love the show no worry) Am I the only one who thought it was such a stupid reason that the new FBI decided that the fake money was made by women was because they used fuckin' NAIL POLISH?!! I legit sat dumfounded, I mean... wtf? What, men can't think to add nail polish to their fake money?

Haha, I get why you don’t like it, anon. As a functional plot device it’s a little hammy, but I appreciate it as a thematic plot device so much that I actually like it a lot overall. 

This show doesn’t really have a lot of recurring objects like many shows do, but when they are introduced, they usually serve as a means of underlining the gendering of spaces, crime and life, which is a theme this show is about as obsessed with as I am. I talked pretty extensively about the gendering of spaces and how the show uses them in this post (man, I should update this with the delicious new spaces in s3, because they continue all of these trends in such interesting ways!), and briefly touched on the gendering of objects too (namely Rio’s golden gun, and the dubby), but it really does extend well beyond that.

So let’s break that down a little!

(Under a cut to save your dashes!)

Functional vs Thematic Plot Devices

Plot devices take a hundred different shapes and forms throughout a story, and of course, always serve to drive narrative forwards, tell the audience something about a character, or drive home a narrative theme. Plot devices aren’t always physical – in many cases they can be a trope, expectation, lie, red herring, among many other things, but for the sake of this post I want to talk about physical plot devices.

So basically, I want to talk about the way this show uses objects.

It might not seem like it on the surface, but this is a show that uses objects as plot devices a lot. Sometimes these are obvious – the money for instance, the Boland Motors car Turner drudges from the lake back in s1, the dubby (and ho, boy, I have a lot to say about that last one, but I’ll come back to that), the guns, Lucy’s phone, etc etc etc.

While these are, of course, essentially props, this is a show that typically lends a lot of weight to them, and in particular, it lends a lot of weight to feminine-coded objects that would in other shows frequently be dismissed as inconsequential.

A pearl necklace, an old lady’s porcelain figurines, a smear of lipstick on a pen cap, a child’s blanket, a new engagement ring, a pregnancy test, vials of botox, and nail polish, among many other things, become objects of narrative and thematic importance.

When it comes to these sorts of physical plot devices, I generally separate them into two categories: functional and thematic.

Functional plot devices are ultimately what they sound like. They serve an often purely functional purpose in the story. Things like the Boland Motors car that the girls took to Canada, dumped, and then was drudged up by Turner. It was used as a means of re-directing Turner’s attention on Beth, while also revealing to Dean that Beth had been the person who’d robbed him back in 1.03. More recently too, the hockey jersey that Ruby stole was a means of ultimately giving us a fun heist as the girls scrambled to get the money to pay for Beth’s life, as well as getting us to the pawn shop where Ruby would see the pen that Sara had stolen.

Functional plot devices – at their most basic – move plot forwards, bridge the gaps between characters and accelerate the action and drama of a story.

Thematic plot devices on the other hand serve a different purpose, and are often less bogged down, I find at least, in perfect logic. While they need to do what a functional plot device does, they also carry the extra weight of underpinning character arcs and often punctuating the key themes of the story. The sled in Citizen Kane is a really good example of this – as a functional plot device it’s just a specific sled and a sort of silly thing for a multimillionaire to want when he can buy as many sleds as he wants, but as a thematic one, we lean that it’s the key thing in his life connecting him back to his childhood, his innocence and his humanity, and comes to represent the central loss of the film.

Similarly, Harry’s lightning bolt scar in the Harry Potter series serves as a functional plot device to tell us and Harry when Voldemort is near, but it actually evades logic to eschew a greater purpose – which is reiterate the theme of motherly love and protection in the story.

Sharp Objects

Good Girls uses objects this way a lot and frequently shifts them between the two purposes, and it has done that since the very beginning. Using toy guns on the very first Fine & Frugal robbery for instance, was a silly plot point used ultimately to get them into the situation with Boomer at the end, but it also thematically represented the naivety of the girls in the robbery, and Annie and Beth’s powerlessness overall, but especially in the scene with Boomer (something immediately juxtaposed with Beth hitting him with the bourbon bottle). It also works effectively as a means of showing how far Beth would come across the first season as she held a real gun at the end of it, and the further slip of her moral character and what she’s capable of across season 2 and 3.

Sometimes they seem to appear as purely functional too, but evolve into thematic ones – meaning they are enriched with weight and purpose as they transition in their design.

A good example of that is Boomer’s cell phone in 2.03 which was purely functional – serving as a means of tricking the girls into believing they were disposing of Boomer’s body, not Jeff’s, before it was pivoted in the last scene to be used on a thematic and character level. By Annie listening to Marion’s voicemails through it, it served to re-link Annie to her own humanity, and underpin her arc with Marion that would ultimately lead to betrayal, redemption, grief and guilt.

The Dubby: a quick aside

The best example though, at least to me, is, of course, the dubby. The dubby does a lot of heavy lifting on virtually every story level, and I could honestly wax lyrical about it until the end of time.

On a functional plot level, it’s there to ultimately get Beth shirking Rio’s instructions and throwing her weight against him in their partnership. It forces her to confront the fact that she views herself and Rio as equals, when the reality is – in situations like that – they’re not. It also gets us to confrontations between Beth with Dean, Rio and Ruby, as well as Annie and Ben (I told you it did a lot of heavy lifting!), served as the means to which Noah and Annie met (boo), revealed Rio’s hand emotionally, and forced Beth to face on a textual level (as opposed to subtextual level) her changing relationship with her home, with her role as a mother, and ultimately her children.

On a thematic level, it explores all that and more! Not only is it deeply, deeply symbolic of a loss of innocence (a baby blanket in a drug den!) – something that’s reiterated by the girls almost being raped in that house – but Rio’s desire, for whatever reason, to give it back to her (something actually reiterated in 2.08 when he tries to handle the baby hitmen for her) – a really, really interesting beat for a character that seems to revel in her moral decline. Rio has, I think, always wanted her to be both. Again, something that is the clearest we’ve ever seen in this episode – he wants her to own up to what she is (a drug dealer) during their fight, while simultaneously trying to restore her to a seemingly frivolous comfort as a mother. It’s complicated! And I love it!

It’s also a highly feminised object that is weaponised against Beth twice. Firstly, by Jane as a means of guilting Beth (she lost it in the drug den), then criminally (by the, y’know, criminals), and then Beth actually weaponises it herself against the woman in the craft store in a female hierarchical sense which is totally fascinating to me and feels very true of Beth as reiterating the sort of alpha woman she is.

I could keep talking about this, but let’s move on, haha.

Claws

It’s not just about character arcs though.

Thematic plot devices are also often used as symbolic touchstones to re-emphasise the key themes of the show overall, and it’s in this sense that the nail polish operates – to me – really effectively. The writers aren’t saying that nail polish is only used by women, they’re saying that it’s a feminine-coded object deemed frivolous or silly by a patriarchal society (which it is, even when men wear it), and that women can use that dismissal as a weapon.

In other words, the key through line of the show.

The girls have operated with this sensibility since the show began, acting within underestimated, feminine-coded spaces and using them, basically in a way that messes with people’s expectations. It doesn’t always work in their favour, but that’s not a bad thing, and I don’t think that that’s the story this show is trying to tell. Rather I think it’s simply trying to say that these things are active, and can be powerful and used in interesting ways. They’re not passive or frivolous as history has told us.

They’ve frequently actually tried to use female-coded objects in crime before too – namely Marion’s figurines, the secret shopping scheme, the botox – all of which failed in unique ways (all of which too were briefly entertained but ultimately rejected by Rio, and it’s interesting that a key transition in Beth and Rio’s relationship occurred around Boland Motors – a masculinised space that Beth feminised on her takeover of it – I spoke about that quite a bit in the gendered spaces post I linked to above!)

The nail polish though has been the first true, pure success of a weaponised, feminine-coded object in the crime storylines, and it’s not an accident that that has coincided with the launch of the girls’ operation and their pure success without Rio. Being able to use it to make the money has been key to representing their feminisation of the crime world and the crime space on a thematic level, and I’d argue represents a ‘full circle’ moment with the success of their returns-for-cash scheme working with Rio originally (again, a feminine-coded operation).

Like I said in my gendered spaces post – Beth, Ruby and Annie are at their strongest and smartest when they’re utilising the familiar, feminine-coded world and weaponizing it, as opposed to copying Rio’s highly masculine-coded world (one of the clearest examples of this ever on the show was this season actually when Beth realised she couldn’t intimidate Gil like Rio, but could blackball him in PTA mom mode). The nail polish is actually a key symbol of that too, and the fact that it’s identified by a female FBI agent is about reiterating the same themes. Phoebe has a chance to take down the girls and close in on them because she doesn’t underestimate that world like Turner did and Rio’s still prone to doing.

The nail polish in that sense formed not only a functional plot device (with making the money in the first place), a thematic one (the underestimation of feminine-coded objects by men), but a bridging device that makes Phoebe a real enemy to the girls. It also serves as a great narrative underscore as Phoebe removes that nail polish from circulation, not only indicating that Phoebe operates in that space as well as Beth, Ruby and Annie, because she’s a part of that world in a way Turner wasn’t, but forming a terrific narrative parallel where as Beth loses further control of her operation, she also loses control of a key ingredient which gained her that operation in the first place.

So yes! Less function, more theme, but I don’t know.

I’m pretty into it, haha.

[ibvix]

EXQUSITE WORK !!! ALSO, CONGRATS ON THE RADAR NOD !!!

The Golden Harpist ✨

[countryshitposts]

the vulnerability of immortality

Here's a filler fic that'd probably keep you guys waiting until i finally post that Asian Christmas party fic and German Empire getting pummeled

Österreich did not exist... but then he started existing.

Austria can remember the feeling of not existing at first, a cosmic entity watching a cataclysmic event in the far future. It was being displayed by the galaxies beyond him, his body as light as a star that tries not to shine as bright as the milky way that he was born in. He doesn't even have a name at first, he doesn't exist, after all. He can watch the planes all he wants without the feeling of crushing mortality pressing him into the solid grounds. He never even knows what ground feels like. He is nothing but a watcher, a silent one who has no personality nor voice in the whole galaxy. He sits, and he watches, looking at the visions with no feelings, numb yet wanting to die. He looks at the visions he is being shown, and he feels something; longing. Longing for the inevitable, he unconsciously touches the visions, full of nameless people that were either cemented into history or erased from it.

He regrets it.

He doesn't regret it.

Then he feels light absorb him, consume him and his non-existent mouth urges to scream, and so he does; he lets out a sound he has never heard from his silent self before, feeling his numbness turning into pain as he feels his cosmic body enter something else. The feeling of flesh attaches to his body like glue paste, as he feels himself seeing everything with bright new colors, entertaining yet painful to watch, only used to the astronomical purples and white blinkering dots resembling the stars, knowing if he approaches them they will becoming, big, bright, bold stars.

And his transformation stops, a flip from a switch as he is brought to a woman. He can move, he can see the world he had only seen from the visions that someone from beyond had sent him, to cope with him not existing. He was in a bundle, tightly wrapped like he would fall off, and die as he hits the floors.

Then, his memories start to drain, from the beginning of time when the big bang was - mistakenly - made, hot gases fughting, the great mother Earth forming in the volcanic hell that used to be the planet, the rains, the Ancient Sumerians and their inventing of wheels, the Macedonian Empire, the Toltecs, Mayans, the unexpected Mongol Empire conquering Eurasia through the means of horseback, the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and its blazing glory, the Sick Man of Europe, Red China, and the End of the World, Earth becoming sickly and turning everything into ashes.

All of what he had seen- visions, the past, the vague present, the incoming future bombarding in time, all slips from his vision, like it was nothing and a switch off from his mind.

Before his seemingly uneventful birth, he didn't exist, watching everything as a nebulous cosmic entity.

Now he exists and he must live through it all, vision-less.

I am Austria, a voice inside him says, and I exist.

-

The children aren't like him

He knows just by how much they fear him

They don't invite him to play with him

Not like he cared

He prefers to read the bible

They pray using their rosaries to the God above

Something inside Austria tells him he's beyond God

-

His mother meets her end with a sickness

Something he cannot remember

He watches his mother go without a hint of sadness

Now he is all alone

-

Life in the streets is hard enough

Somehow he is still healthy despite dirty living conditions

He steals

He begs

He needs

-

Austria meets His Majesty

The second next best thing compared to the Roman Empire

He sits on his throne

Two black pairs of wings in all his glory

On a throne of gold

His stern face looking straight at Austria

He is the Holy Roman Empire

-

Life as a peasant-turned-prince isn't easy

His adoptive brothers loathe him

The castle servants gossip of him being a spawn of Satan

But Holy Roman Empire lets him stay no matter what

He loves him

He hates Prussia

-

Holy Roman Empire encourages him to follow his heart

He becomes a pastor

Shortlived

So he takes an interest in composing and playing musical intruments

Forever

-

Österreich gives his betrothed a bouquet of flowers

He says he matches her eyes

He's filled with so much love

Nothing lasts forever

-

He hears the arranged marriage

He drops his copy of the bible

He runs to the palace where his love resides

She's not there

-

Her father tortures him

By giving him an invite to Korona and Lieutvos' wedding

He stands there on the isle, cross-armed and scowling

He bites his lip, trying not to cry as his true love and a barbarian kiss

He's not going to cry

-

He focuses on his studies more

Focuses on politics more

But he cannot seem to shake off Korona's smiling face

He looks towards his abandoned poems and compositions for Korona

He hides them in his chest with a mighty shut

Even then he knows all words and tunes by heart

-

Prussia is grinding at his gears

So is his father

He takes an interest in a brand new style of art from the French lands

It helps his broken heart

It helps him heal

Unlike his music

-

He hears rumors

Rumors of Korona and Lieutvos' marriage being unhappy

Korona is afraid of that dirty pagan

Looks like he still has a chance to win her heart after all

He approaches her one day when Lieutvos was talking to the Holy Roman Empire

"Let's run away together" he says with hope in his eyes

Korona sheepishly looks away, patting her belly

"I am bearing a child" she says her voice barely a whisper

His smile fades as hope inside of him shatters

He feels the weight of loneliness crush him to dirt

He tells his servants nor family to never enter his room

He is mourning

For what

For the death of his love

-

He and Prussia fight more each day

That kingdom from afar is getting too close to the outer territories of his duchy

He plays music to let off some steam

He did not even mention her name once

Holy Roman Empire is turning to a figurehead

Österreich is God

God is Österreich

He is holy in every way

-

He attends Korona's baby's baptism

He is named Poland after his grandfather

He cannot look Korona in the eye

He hates Lieutvos every second he is here

The child has his mother and father's striking features

He can feel his world turning blurry for a second

-

He spends his time away from his land

To fight wars

A war he needs to fight for his father

Who's too gluttonous to leave the throne

He can see his pair of dark wings having the slightest tinge of white

The sign of becoming old

He wonders why an immortal being is becoming old each passing day

Will he become old

-

How dare that damned man insult the church

How dare he post such insults in a door

How dare he question his father's rule

Prussia is objecting

He is objecting too

But he can't help but somewhat agree with the man who defames the church

Lutheranism and Reformation spreads through the entire continent like a ravaging wildfire

Even the Discovery isn't as intense as this

-

War was coming to his doorstep

Holy Roman Empire finally gets up from his throne

Some of his feathers falls as he stands in all his glory

The old empire is an examplary fighter

He and Prussia see eye to eye in the dissonance

-

France wishes for Burgundy

He defends his territory

He beats and bests the kingdom at every turn

He has become powerful in his own right

He marches to Rome

To become the rightful king of the Romans

He is the true Rome

Not Russia

Not even the Holy Roman Empire

-

That Kingdom of Hungary is threatening his power

Hungary wishes for peace

He is suspicious

He wakes the first day to find him invading his land

How dare he

That is not his

-

He gains more land and power

Hungary is a distant yet close problem now

He allies and forms bonds

He plans to take Britanny

France takes it first

-

Schweiz is a stubborn woman

Fighting for her independence with a fury

At first Österreich and his family laugh at her

But she is serious

And she got what she wants in the end

He admires her feistiness

-

He, Preußen and Russia wish for more land

They target the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth

Something inside him tells him the once love of his life will never forgive him for this

Once love of his life

Now turned to dust

They make plans

-

He has second thoughts

Korona's eyes give him a look of betrayal

He hesitates

Then he remembered that she isn't his anymore

She's in love with someone else now

Not him

He has no more second thoughts after this

-

He feels pleasure rise into him as he slits Lieutvos' throat

He hears Korona's cries, calling him a traitor

He laughs, and so do the others

Yet after he murdered the former love of his life

He starts to weep

Why is he weeping

He can't even read anything without squinting

-

The Holy Roman Empire drops dead

His last feathers are nothing but pure white

No more of his black feather

He cannot feel sadness despite the fact he has shown him kindness

No more of the empire

A new era begins

-

Rhineland gives him a baby boy bundled up in blankets

Österreich says he has no use of his child

But Rhineland pleads with him to care for the boy

He does as a friend

He's unaware of the pain and suffering he will go through

Over the years

-

He clutches Confederation's hand

Still warm

His tears are flooding his eyes as their warm drops pitter patter on his skin

He has a smile on his face, a smile to encourage Confederation he can still live

"I will die" Confederation says hushed

"No you will not" Österreich manages to say "You will live"

Confederation smiles at his father warmly "I forgive you"

His hand goes limp, eyes closed, body temperature becoming cold

Österreich's forced smile drops like Confederation's lifeline

He holds his body

The boy whom had warmed his heart as a son

He cries in choked sobs

Then he screams

He screams and shouts and cries

Why didn't the doctors save this innocent boy

Why did he have to leave him alone

He goes blind

Yet he still hears him singing

-

Austria and Hungary waltz in the moonlight, away from observing eyes

"This is wrong" Österreich says as his body dips lower

"But you do not care" Hungary replies

And then they kiss

He can feel another love sparkle through the night

There is nothing wrong with this

This is heaven

This is hell

-

Being fused to your love can take some time to adjust

Yet they love each other

But they're not close to each other

They're not even beside each other

He will get used to it

-

Of course Hungary stopped loving him

What did he expect

He can feel his heart setting to stone once again

Hungary leaves him after the fall of their empire

He breaks mirrors that show his sad and pathetic self

Glass ends up over his face

He can't try to make out what's right and wrong anymore

He's alone again

All he can see are blurry shapes

-

He plays the violin

He sings old melodies lost in time never sharing them

He sees the world burn like a distant memory

Österreich tries to cope with his detoriating power

By singing through it all

Ghosts appear before him, mocking at him for the way he has turned out

He chokes

-

Österreich stands with Reich

Once a young, naïve and nice boy has corrupted and snapped

He wanted to blame his father

But he can't help but blame he himself

He helps with his plans and tactics

Helps him in the battlefield

Helps him with everything

He needs to become powerful again

At what cost?

-

The war is over

Deutschland is divided

He can see their faces but never makes their details out

The world has gone too blurry for him

He looks at his hands

Now only good for playing instruments

He clenches his fists and punches a mirror

It breaks

His hands hurt

He forgot how to live

-

Schweiz came to him in such a manner

He has to stop for a breath

Österreich can feel himself getting pulled by Schweiz

But he trusts his instincts

Österreich likes the man before him

Their kiss lights up his life

-

He has to wear glasses now

What a humiliating defeat

It seems he cannot shoot a gun properly anymore

He throws away all firearms and weapons, save for those he has treasured so greatly

He doesn't feel the slightest bit of regret

He is finally free

He has finally matured and moved on

-

He can hear him singing

Österreich goes from door to door, searching for the culprit of the voice

It is echoing in his house, a melody he has heard of many times

He opens a door, and another, and another

But he isn't there

Why will he be

He is gone and dead

Yet his ghost still lingers

Laughing at him

Österreich screams, it echoes through the house, wanting the voice to stop singing and give him peace

Silence

Then he starts singing once again until Österreich has broken down to tears

-

He swears he can hear them

The voices whispering towards him as he makes his way through the halls

They grow louder

And louder

And louder

They scream at Österreich, vowing to never forget what he has done to them

He does not scream nor react feeling numb

He doesn't remember what it feels like to live

-

Deutschland pours him a drink, delighted smile and all

Österreich clinks his glass with him as well

Everyone's having so much fun

He smiles as he takes a sip of his beer

He doesn't remember having this much fun with people

Everyone is so lively

He doesn't remember being that lively

Everyone is living and breathinng unlike those gross voices he keeps hearing

Dr. Österreich finally learns how to live.

[quiche-pocket]

Not Prince Charming

A/N: Here is the Hvitserk fic that nobody asked for. This is Hvitserk at his most primal and most violent and most disrespectful and... you get the idea. I’m not going to pretend that this is pretty because it is not. There is violence. There is rape. There is degradation of women and scheming and blood. Please please please take caution in reading this. I wrote it as a challenge for myself to create something that is more realistic and cannon and less AU. I do not have any plans to continue this at this time, I think of it more as a character study of sorts even though the ending is the way that it is. The tag list has remained the same, but as always please let me know if you would like to be added or removed.  

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I make nothing off of the recognizable characters and places in this story. The female character is my own creation, however.  

Warnings: I say it again: PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION this is rape no matter the intentions of the woman involved. This is violent and rough. I do not condone violence or any of the things discussed in this piece this is a work of fiction dealing with themes that may have been prevalent during the time period. Please heed the warnings, lovelies.  

He could smell the blood everywhere. It could be from the Englishmen that littered the ground covering the clearing with mutilated and beaten bodies, nearly unrecognizable as people at all. It could be his, coming from the cut on his forehead and dripping down between his eyes. Splatters covered his face and his armor. His leather bracings a rust color now more than the soft camel they were before. He looked again at all the carnage and Hvitserk threw his head back and let out a booming laugh.

His brothers and the rest of the army were storming the fortress walls and Hvitserk unsheathed his sword to follow when something caught his eye beyond the trees. Ivar had chosen this location for tactical reasons but there was something back there that didn’t belong. Peeling off from the rest of the army, he crept back into the woods looking for the flash of white he had seen in the shadows through the trees. He hoped it was not a deer, but, then again, his stomach had been empty since this fighting started at dawn that day. He heard a rustling to his left and snuck closer.

“If you have come to kill me please do it now. I do not have anything to offer you for trade and I will not be a slave so please just kill me.” A cracking feminine voice sounded from behind an outcropping of rocks just ahead. It sounded like she may have been crying and she sounded young, but not like a child. Hvitserk drew his sword and prepared for an ambush just in case because he did not want to get stuck in a trap.

“I do not know who you are so I will not kill you yet. Come out and let me see you, you may not even be worth taking back to serve in the great hall.” He heard rustling again and after another sweep with his eyes he confirmed the girl must have been alone. Hvitserk kept his sword drawn as he came around the edge of the large rocks.

The sight that greeted him made him pause. She was older than he imagined and she was beautiful. Her skin was ruddy, her hair curled around her face and wild. She stood behind the rocks facing Hvitserk’s approach and did not cower or shrink away even when his sword and blood covered face came into view. He drew himself up to full height and stepped close to illicit a response. She still stood steady but did not try to attack.

“You are not afraid of me?” He asked in disbelief. She shook her head, her eyes shifting to his sword but coming back to his eyes again. Hvitserk began to circle her, taking in her shapely frame barely disguised beneath the flimsy white dressing gown she wore.

“Do you know who I am, girl?” His voice dropped to a whisper and he leaned in close to her ear. An involuntary shiver ran through her but the pretty girl shook her head.

“You are with the army that destroyed my home and my people. Who you are, though, I know not.” Her voice still cracked betraying the strong face she was hiding behind. Hvitserk took a curled lock of hair between his fingers and brought it close to his face. Sniffing loudly and rubbing it against his cheek before continuing his circle of the girl.

“My name is Hvitserk Ragnarsson. I’m sure you know of my father?” Her eyes widened and she nodded. “So you know I am a prince of Kattegat, do you not?” Again a nod. “So you know of me, but do not recognize me. How can that be?” Stopping in front of her he bent to be eye level. “You do not look like a princess or a slave. You are too clean to be a farmer. What are you doing out in these woods in the middle of a battle, girl?”

“My house was burned to the ground when you entered our village. My father and brothers were fighting, I am sure they have been killed. My mother is dead three harvests now and I have no other siblings. I ran, prince of Kattegat.” The way she said his name caused a smirk to appear on Hvitserk’s face.

“You ran. But then you stopped when you heard me. You begged me to kill you. I will not kill one so sweet and pure whose name I do not know. So tell me, who is it that is begging for the mercy of death by the sword of Hvitserk Ragnarsson?”

“My father named me Annis.” Hvitserk hummed, repeating the name under his breath. “What do you plan to do to me if it is not to kill me?”

“I had planned to take you back to Kattegat with me. Keep you for my own pleasure. I have, unfortunately, had trouble lately with keeping my brothers from being interested in the same pretty things I am. I have decided that I will have you here. I will take my pleasure and then decide your fate.” His eyes flashed and she realized now her mistake. He had seemed kinder and more gentle than the stories she heard of his brothers, but he was still a son of Ragnar. A Viking above all else.

So she ran again, hoping her familiarity of the woods would give her an advantage but it was pointless. Hvitserk caught her before she reached the line of trees. He pushed her against one, pinned her hips with his and pulled the top of her gown open. She screamed and all he did was laugh. The smile on his face boyish and giddy at the sight of her full, heaving breasts. He held her wrists in one of his against the rough tree trunk.

“Please, I beg you, kill me and let me join my brothers and father. I do not wish to be soiled and ruined like this by the likes of you.” She struck out with a foot and Hvitserk jumped back, loosening his grip and causing her to be able to escape again.

“Oh yes, pretty thing, run. You will not get far.”

He allowed her to run but kept her in sight until she began to tire. She stumbled over a fallen tree and Hvitserk lunged, grabbing her ankles and pulling her back toward him. When he flipped her to her back, her face and bare chest were covered in small scratches and her wild hair had a collection of leaves and twigs. She tried to continue to fight but he straddled her legs and pinned her wrists in his hand again. Grabbing her chin with one hand he held her face still and leaned in to bite at her lips in a violent mockery of a kiss.

“Now. I have let you have your fun and I love it when you fight, but it is time to hold still.” He pulled her skirt up and when her sex and hide were exposed he lifted her hips with an arm banded around her waist. She tried to straighten her legs and make it harder for him to get leverage. Hvitserk struck her hard across her flank and let out an animalistic growl by her ear.

“Tell me, Annis, has a man ever had you?” He gripped her hair and yanked her head to the side to look him in the eye. She dropped her gaze and where her healthy looking skin had gone pale with fear, a slight blush was creeping up from her neck. Hvitserk chuckled, knowing that meant it was true.

“Oh, not innocent and pure as I thought at the start, hmm?” She tried to look away again and he held her firm, a hand around her throat. “I do not think that will be a problem, though, I will find pleasure in you no matter what.”

He removed his hand from her throat and stroked over her sex with his long fingers, pulling them away to find them dry. Hvitserk clicked his tongue in disappointment and flipped his prize onto her back. He raised her legs and bent her knees so they were at her shoulders. With a hand around her ankles he kept her upper body pinned by her legs and he began to stroke over her with more purpose. The prince gave special attention to the bundle of nerves exposed by her spread sex and before long her body began to react even as she thrashed and struggled under him. Hvitserk collected some on his finger and held it out to her.

“Do you see this?” She closed her eyes in shame and turned her head away. He reached out and slapped her across the cheek, leaving a shining trail with the juices on his finger. Then he spread it over her lips and forced his finger inside. On instinct she bit him and he snarled, yanking his hand back and slapping her again.

“I was going to give you time to prepare your body, but you do not respect me and the position I am in so all grace I may have shown you is gone. You will feel what it is to fight a prince of Kattegat.”

For Annis the rest was a blur of sharp pain, loud grunts and growls and the faint coppery smell of blood mixed with the musty earth below her. Her back side ached from where he repeatedly struck her when her legs collapsed. Her forearms and face were covered in tiny scratches from the branches and rocks she scrambled against. Her face was burning and the tears made the cuts sting. None was a distraction from the aching burning inside of her as he repeatedly thrust in and out of her. She had a fleeting thought of thanks that her body lubricated itself so nothing tore, but it did not help the pressure and ache inside. She drifted in and out of focus in order to keep from losing consciousness, afraid of what he would do if she was completely helpless.

With a bellowing cry, Hvitserk released inside of her and in his ecstasy he released his hold on her hips allowing her to scrambled away. She was so broken and tired that she did not get far, but huddled by a fallen tree knees pulled to her chest and sobs wracking her body. Hvitserk wiped himself clean on his discarded tunic and then got to his feet to fasten his breaches. When he had straightened and dressed he walked to Annis who cowered and hid her face. Hvitserk knelt before her and spread her legs almost gently. She whimpered but did not have the strength to stop him. He used his filthy tunic to wipe her thighs and sex before closing her gown back up and getting to his feet.

“I will not kill you, sweet Annis,” Hvitserk said softly, looking down at her as he donned the tunic and his armor again. “I will not take you back to Kattegat either. I do not need another thrall and you are not worth the effort to kill. Go. I am through with you.” He turned his back, and Annis sat on the ground in shock. The roughness of his mating followed by the care with which he cleaned her and then the coldness of his voice, she was at a loss to what the prince was thinking. She did not hesitate long, though, and was soon on her feet and stumbling away, back to the village and searching for any who may have survived.

*************************************************

“Were you discovered?” A croaking voice called out from the darkened room of her burnt shell of a home.

“Yes mother. It was the prince.” She sat on the floor at the frail woman’s feet, wincing as her sore back side touched the rough wood.

“The cripple?” Her mother’s dark eyes flashed.

“No, mother. The other. It was as we had hoped.” Her hand slipped down and gently stroked the now flat plane of her stomach. “By next harvest I will have a child conceived of a prince of Kattegat and our power will be great.” She stood and kissed her mother softly before going to the back of the house and washing the blood and other mess from her body. A small smile flitted across her face.

@x-valhalla @athroatfullofglass @ainatirb-j @lol-haha-joke @westcoastselkie @hissouthernprincess

[primedirection]

Homecoming

In which things don't go as planned

Warnings: A lil angst & a lil fluff mentions of panic attack

AN: Kinda did this one for me idk.. Hope you like it anyway!

(Uce- Samoan for brother. Sounds like oose)

Harry wasn't coming home.

He'd been away for three months this time and it seemed to be the hardest. Promises of coming home were thrown around left and right so much it lost it's merit. It was supposed to be his last week two weeks ago and yet he was still needed all over the place for reasons she lost track of. Hosting for James Corden, Album teaser promos, Gucci photo shoots, music video location scouting, auditions and so on and so forth. So busy that at best she was lucky she got a text of recognition or a FaceTime session every other week.

Honestly she tried not to fault him for it, not to hold it against him. She understood more than anyone what his career meant to him and how hard he worked to achieve his goals and dreams. Truly a blessing and a curse all at once. But once the disappointment hit it, it hit and took it's tole.

For right now she was done dealing with it.

She'd been so fed up of being alone and having no one to talk to in person that she requested the week off from work and sent for tor nephews to come visit. The same week of vacation time she'd been planning to use to visit Harry on the road. But decided that she'd only be a distraction to him during the short moments she did get to see him. The boys were out for the summer anyway and thanks to the overwhelming Facebook post of their mother, she knew they all could use a break.

From the moment that they stepped inside the departure terminal she realized that she had made the right decision. Bombarded with affection from all directions the second they were close enough. The relief practically consuming her. It was all quite surreal since she practically helped raise them. Like just yesterday she was changing their diapers for extra cash on the weekends so that their parents date nights could ensue. Now here they are teenage heartbreakers bragging about their own personal lives.

As the week went by things only got better. For once the massive house was filled with endless laughter and the type of love that came without judgment and ridicule. Unconditional love. That alone created a joy so pure that the evilest intentions couldn't spoil it. Something she honestly hasn't felt in a while. The atmosphere was almost magical whenever either of their families visited and this time was no different.

This was exactly what the doctor ordered and a complete win-win situation. Because while she gave them something to somewhat brag about to all their friends back home (via pictures with their beloved uncle's Mustang) they gave her enough peace of mind to stop checking her phone every 30 seconds, nonetheless throughout the entire day. To the point she felt comfortable enough to turn it off. Thanks to the hyperactive bunch most nights sleep found her first since the boys turned out to be a handful in the best way.

Or so she thought.

When it was their final day she decided to go all out. An early trip to The Grove to spoil them rotten, as any elected favorite auntie would. Then retired back home to fire up the grill for dinner while the two full-blown teenagers made their last rounds of projecting themselves like missiles inside the pool.

"Heyyy, unless y'all want to find out how edible chlorine is y'all better chill out!" She shouted playfully over her shoulder when a particular splash reached far enough to soak her from the waist down. ”Now out of the water so we can eat!" She retreated back inside the house followed by a chorus of disappointed 'AWWWWWs'.

"Good to see you're 'avin fun," Harry's sudden appearance in the kitchen nearly made her scream. So divulged in burger making she never noticed him. Short hair a mess from his incessant hand's tousling, everything about him was hard and only amplified by the bags resting under his eyes.

Though by the look on his face and his tone she wasn't sure how to feel. The impulsive urge to rush over and enrapt him in over due love was killed when she felt the energy around him. Clearly he was upset. So she gently tested the waters, "When did you get back?"

"You'd know if you read at least one of my fuckin' messages," Harry was pissed and right now her oblivion to it only made it worse as he silently noted that she didn't rush to greet him as he had expected.

They were both stubborn to a fault sometimes, this one being one of them. And while he had his passive aggressive moments she had her combative confronting moments to match them. Thus why disagreements often turned into war zones.

In her eyes he had absolutely no right to be this angry, "You mean the one you send every other week? Sorry, didn't know I was supposed to wait every got damn second by the phone for a chance you might get the urge to call me!"

"S'not like you couldn't call me. Guess I'm not much of priority to you when I'm across the world am I? Much less having a panic attack," That's not at all what he wanted to say. He honestly didn't even mean it. But sometimes, very rarely, he spoke without thinking. Though every single one of those times his words were purposely reckless, usually with the intent of pushing buttons. Which in this case happened to be several of hers.

There was so many things wrong with his rebuttal that it frazzled her, "Panic attack?!"

"Yeah. Tha' thing where you can't breathe and it really feels like you're dying," his attitude was in full force as he elaborated.

Her eyes narrowed in a glare, "How was I supposed to know that would happen when I finally try and distract myself?"

"There's a difference between distracting yourself and flat out ignoring me,"

"So now it's my fault that you don't know when to fucking quit? One more week.. one more week.. Jeff says this Jeff says that blah blah blah!" She mocks his voice angrily. "Do you ever even think of how hard it is for me when you're gone? You've got hundreds of people constantly around you and I'm just here alone in this big ass house-"

"Fuck this!" He groans utterly aggravated, pivoting on his heels to storm out. The past three days had felt like the worst of his life and she was totally none the wiser. Even now as he struggled to keep afloat, to keep his head above water she only seemed interested in knocking him down.

"Fuck what? Fuck me? Is that what you're saying?" She demanded hurt, meanwhile in his mind he knew she was seeing nothing but red.

At that response he knew this was going nowhere fast, definitely nowhere good anyway. He couldn't talk to her when she was like this, angry beyond reason where even the most innocent things rub her the wrong way.

"Uce?!" As soon as he was noticed they both knew the argument was temporarily over. Long ago she had indulged Harry of their dysfunctional childhood due to the immaturity of their parents, and sworn to always provide safe spaces for them. So for everyone's sake she quickly left the room, using her soiled clothes as an excuse.

Harry may not have been in any mood to host but managed to allow his anger to dissipate when he was pulled into welcoming hugs. He loved her family, especially her nephews. The respect and regard they had for her was daunting and unparalleled. Upon first meeting them, at thirteen and fourteen years old they laid into him better than any father ever could or ever had. Especially since hers passed away when she was young. So profoundly protective there was no surprise on his end when they shared their plan of walking her down the aisle to give her away someday. Though now they were in every way his family without marriage. "We thought you were taking over the world again Uce, what happened?"

Uce, a nickname that was lovingly given to him by the entirety of her family because of his thick accent whenever he said the word 'us'. Endearing enough to immediately strip him of any and all ill feelings. "Not happy to see me?" He teased knowing full well just how much they adored him in return. Proven when they both erupted in offense bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Uhhh... she's cool, or whatever but even when we're having fun she's still intense," the younger of the brothers informed pointing in the direction she disappeared in.

"And she doesn't have the keys, Uce! She doesn't have the keys!" The elder of the two wailed in true melodramatic fashion.

"Keys?" Harry queries with a frown and yet amused, leaning against the counter and folding his arms over his chest patiently waiting to be clued in on their slang. "Keys to wha'?"

"You know, the Audi.. The girls... How do we get into one of those wild model parties where they do org-"

"Boy the next word out of your mouth better be organization! And you need to be talking about the keys to passing your college entry exams!" She yells on her way upstairs. She'd be so happy when the girl craze phase was over for them, and it couldn't come soon enough.

"See what I mean?" The younger of the two mutters through a mouth full of food shaking his head and Harry started to laugh. He'd never be able to convey how much he missed them when they weren't around. Just them being there almost made him forget he was angry to begin with. Almost. "Anyway you never answered my question?"

Harry sighs heavily suddenly exhausted, "Didn't feel well,"

Sparking even more questions from the two young boys, "Don't you have doctors that travel with you for that?" Snowballing to a squabble even, "Is it contagious?" "Dude!" "I'm just saying, I have football practice when we get back I can't afford to be sick,"

Chuckling despite himself Harry shook his head, "No mate, was a panic attack. Jus' need some rest, been going non stop,"

Both their faces dropped with worry, "Whoa. You okay Uce? I mean is it cool we're here?"

Harry nodded reassuringly, "M' getting there," honestly adding, "Thanks to you lot. Actually wish I'd been here the whole time, s' been awhile since I've seen you last,"

The eldest made a nonchalant noise, "We'll be visiting again soon don't worry. Especially when you start touring for real, the ladies need me,"

"Mate, have you ever heard of quality over quantity? That is the biggest key,"

"Yeah just now, and look who you're with. The biggest control freak of them all,"

Although Harry wasn't totally thrilled with her he had to admit, "It's actually quite sexy when she's not being a pain in the arse,"

"Bruh, I'm eating!" The younger brother snarled and Harry laughed at that. God, he loved them. Practically the little brothers he's always wanted. That feeling in particular struck remembrance inside him, remembrance of what brought on the panic attack in the first place.

He wasn't happy. Sure his professional life was thriving since business was booming, but his relationship suffered the most because of it. These days he was hardly ever home, barely even had the time to make phone calls and the realization scared him. Not once did she complain but he wasn't blind to the fact she was slowly but surely slipping from his grasp. Whether or not her cold shoulder had been intentional over the past week it shook him down to the core. So many of his previous relationships ended like that, with them losing the will to fight for him. Not that he was putting in the same effort back then and he had the worst habit of blaming them for it anyway. Hince the incident a little while ago. But that was the absolute last thing he wanted for them. It just wasn't worth it.

Harry wanted romantic vacations, joint family holidays, anniversary parties, babies! Lots and lots of babies...

A distinct warning pang in his chest made him realize he had to take advantage of the boy's presence while he could. Glancing over his shoulder, he listened hard to make sure the shower was running, "Since we're on the topic I need to talk you lads about something,"

"If it's about your sex life please don't,"

"Relax if I wanted to torture you I'd left you with her. I'm talking about tour. I've been thinking and after this week I'm not sure I want to do it. Like anymore.. Or well at least for right now anyway,"

"Please don't do this to me, I'll finally be old enough to get in the club by the end of this year!" The elder boy whined and the younger smacked the side of his head annoyed.

"Dude shut up he's serious! Anyway... Why not?"

Harry was filled with nerves deciding to break it down nice and easy, "Remember what you told me when we first met?"

"Yeah, 'why are your jeans so tight'? To be honest I'm still wondering...that can't be good for you." The eldest teased.

"Not tha'," Harry chuckled rolling his eyes.

A lightbulb seemed to go off in the mind of the youngest, "Oh, that we're a packaged deal and anything you want with her has to be run through us first,"

Harry took a deep breath nodding in confirmation, "Well, man to man...to man. I think you've had long enough to feel me out. Have I earned your blessings to become your official uncle?"

"Let me get this straight, you want to skip a worldwide tour and a chance to make millions more to get married? Weddings aren't all that much fun,"

"To get married, to go on a honeymoon, and to start making your baby cousins," Harry clarified.

"I'm more so concerned at you not knowing you already had it. We wouldn't have let her move in if we didn't,"

"Yeah Uce, we've all been wondering what the hell is taking so long. Especially grandma, she's been super suspicious of your Aquarius nature," the older boy teased and both boys laughed apparently there was an inside joke he wasn't aware of.

"To be fair I was waiting for your aunt to say something. Guess she's not much of a control freak like we thought huh?" Harry muttered stealing fries from both their plates.

"Yeah right, do you have a ring?" The younger asked as he shielded his plate from Harry's invasion.

"Still having it made," he confessed a little embarrassed.

"Well don't pop it out without us!"

Harry snorted, "Mate, I'd never dream of it," and from the bottom of his heart he meant it.

After everyone showered, the final movie night had progressed rather smoothly. Horror was the only genre the boys would focus on, though it probably had something to do with all the topless scenes in them. Nevertheless she picked this one; 'Wrong Turn' easily one of her favorites.

To her surprise before it started Harry came in the room, dressed in a loose gray T-shirt and navy basketball shorts. Earning a round of cheers from his ever adoring audience. He sat in the row of plush recliners directly behind the boys and it kind of hurt her feelings since she was in the one in front of them. "S' your last night here where else would I be?"

For a long beat of a moment they both exchanged wary glances before drifting back to the screen in front of them. Though in reality she was hardly paying attention. Her curiosity peaked through the roof at just what it took to get him to join. Mostly because, she knew better than anyone when Harry was in a bad mood he isolated himself. But just now he didn't seem to be the slightest bit hostile. Then again she shouldn't be too surpised given he was just another giant kid to them.

Against her better judgment she spared another look just to find him already staring at her. A dimple sinking in one cheek as the corner of his lips tug in a reluctant smile. In turn making her belly swell with butterflies of relief. She also became painfully aware of the distance between them and hated it.

Before she even had time to process the idea of swallowing her pride, she was up out of her seat with her blanket wrapped around her. She could've easily sat in either of the seats beside him but that still wasn't close enough. "Truce?" She whispered pouting guiltily, waving the tag of her soft throw blanket like a flag.

But apparently she wasn't as quiet as she thought, "Wait, you guys are fighting?" Both boys were turned around in their seats, eyes ping ponging back and forth between them worried. Ultimately falling on her, "What did you do?"

"If you don't mind your own business I swear to God you're going to the airport tonight!" She warned icily and that quickly got them to turn back around.

At first Harry doesn't say anything, he simply reclines his seat further back and readjusts his legs to make room for her. Only then did she breathe a sigh of relief. Springing into action, she climbed in next to him sitting with her legs draped over his lap tenting them both in warmth. From there they practically melted into one another her chest to his front, stealing kisses and touches they'd been deprived of. Silent apologies in a way, but just in case she said it aloud, "I'm sorry H," tucking her face into the crook of his neck. The closer she was the better she felt. "Should've been there for you."

"S' okay love me too, I should've been here," he sighed holding on tighter.

"Well we're all here now so can we watch the movie please?" The eldest brother chimed.

She started to swat him in the head from behind until Harry caught her wrist and laughed, "Sorry lads won't happen again," figuring there was a better way to make it up to her quietly. Confusion was blatantly on her face up until Harry stealthily slipped his hand under her shirt, sliding upwards tortuously slow. To stifle her impatience she kissed him deep then. But before she could receive the pleasure of the taste of his lips properly Harry stiffened, and not in the place she wanted him to.

Eyes peeling back open Harry's smirk was sheepish and directed to the front. Met with a grimace, "Ugh puhleeease don't be that couple!" And a glare, "Yeah, I really don't want to be in the room when my baby cousin is conceived,"

She rolled her eyes, "Tuh, it's only fair. I was right next door when both of you were." Kissing him again and causing an over the top show of dry heaving and gagging.

"Uce, c'mon man make it stop!"

Harry merely smiled finally feeling like all was right in the world again. "Gotta keep it fresh lads, it's key."

[firesign23]

I would like to read that very angry post and learn the two rules.

Okay, so, I was GOING to be all “Here are my well composed arguments” about this, but… honestly, I’m still digesting the specifics of Brienne’s story in 8x06 and getting caught up on “Soo, we’re going with the shallowest interpretation of her character’s desires and also kinda just making her Jaime 2.0: The Just Edition” (more on this rant LATER, because oh it was so much worse than I thought when I read the leaks), so instead y’all get a slightly edited version of the Angry Screaming I sent a friend a few days ago. Buckle up, I am Riled.

A pre-rant note–my husband woke up this morning, checked his phone, and looked at me like a man who had Seen Some Shit. “The leaks were right.” He has never watched Game of Thrones (he’s been waiting until the show is done, and I’m pretty sure season 8 killed his plans to binge it), but honestly I can think of no better way to sum up this experience.

(Fucking MOOD, Jon.)

So, first off, I do not expect a lot from Game of Thrones. The visuals are amazing, the actors are top notch, but there have always been issues with the plot, with misogyny, etc. What has made me so ANGRY about this season is that it thumbs its nose at storytelling as a craft. I expected it to be dumb. I did not expect it to be “Wow, my nine year old literally has a better grasp on constructing stories” dumb. #subvertedexpectations (As an aside, I could turn this into a series of rants about the different elements of storytelling and how season 8 fucked them up, but honestly I’d rather lose a fucking hand and I still have a spite fic to write to fix what I can. So we’ll have to content ourselves with this rant, and if husband ever DOES binge the show I’ll save the others as a reward for surviving the experience.)

Second of all, I want to make this clear that any writing rule can be broken (some I don’t believe SHOULD be, which is what started this rant, but they CAN), but you must understand the rules you are breaking and why. And you can’t break all of them at once. I have seen exactly zero evidence this is true for D&D, those talentless hacks.

Now, onto the two rules for character arcs that should never be messed with because they are SO structurally important, and they’ve fucked over both repeatedly throughout season 8:

(1) A character must always want something. They absolutely do not need to GET it, but they need to want it. Hell, NOT getting it is basically the definition of tragedy.(2) A character getting what they want should not result in “Guess their story is over, we can kill them or write them off”

This applies to SO MANY of the characters right now, but I’m going to use Jaime as an example of (1) and Brienne as an example of (2) because honestly that’s the only plot I’ve followed with any enthusiasm. (There are definitely better examples of (2) within the show, but I used Brienne as an example in the original rant and I’m carrying that over. Because Brienne. Fight me.)

RULE ONE: A character must always want something.

Jaime’s arc has been about redemption, about listening to his own morals instead of the poisonous family first that has been dripped in his ear for decades. The setup is all there–a brash kid who is forced to make a call between his own morals (not burning half a million innocent people) and the oaths he made (to protect the king), makes it, and is reviled for it because the truth is never revealed. He falls further into this “Family above all else” mindset because he’s been groomed since childhood for this. There’s like a whole meta post from me in the Lannisters and abuse, but people better than I have gone there before. For this post, “Jaime’s arc is about redemption, a redemption he doesn’t always BELIEVE in but has been a core of his character from season 1” suffices.

His death absolutely should have been about this redemption. Whether he succeeds and kills his sister and lives, or kills his sister at the cost of his own life, or he gets there and the decades of brainwashing means that he falters at the final hurdle… THAT doesn’t matter, so much, but the impetus absolutely should have been DRIVEN by that need for redemption. Have him go south because he needs to save innocents, or even the family of choice (THERE IS A FAMILY OF CHOICE SCENE IN THE FUCKING EPISODE!!!) Hell, have him SEE saving Cersei as redemption. (I mean, that would be fucking stupid beyond stupid, but it wouldn’t insult me on a crafting level.) Just… don’t go “He’s happy, guess it’s time for a relapse we lay no groundwork for, and then handwave with forgiveness from a female character because…she’s so good and pure? We want to pretend we are deep?” There is no tragedy in Jaime’s death because they moved the goalposts at the very last second.

(As an aside, the Very Dear Friend subjected to this rant responded to this portion of my ire with “Why would they do that? It’s so meaningless”, and all I could say was “Because it’s ~*~sHocKinG~*~ that way. NO, YOU BASTARDS. You make it shocking by laying the groundwork and then subverting our hopes at the last second, but THE GROUNDWORK NEEDS TO BE THERE. YOU NEED TO USE OUR CULTURAL UNDERSTANDING OF STORIES.” This was the toned down version of my actual thoughts, because Very Dear Friend is genuinely dear to me and does not need to know the depths of my creative cursing.)

RULE TWO: A character getting what they want should not be the end of their story.

As for Brienne… she is such an interesting character because she’s SO driven by her own morality. She wants, desperately, to be a knight. Not just BE knighted, but to embody the spirit of knighthood. She gets that knighthood from someone she respects, deeply–she’s one of the few people who truly knows about Jaime’s struggle with morality vs oaths and has utter faith in him–and so she gets what she wants. Great, right? WRONG. We are at Unbreakable Rule #2–a character who gets what they want should not then have nowhere to go.

NB–the original rant here was far more articulate and focused on how this rule is broken, but we might descend into slathering rage instead. Because the ending (oh god, seriously, like I said, I’m still digesting the depth of the shit in this because on a surface level it seems happy but it’s really fucking terrible) puts her in this horrible stagnation that is more focused on title than her actual character. She didn’t necessarily want to be a Kingsguard, she wanted to be a Kingsguard for a king she believed in. And, like, she had a say in electing Bran? (Rereading this rant--that’s a weird phrasing. I’ll deal with it later) But that whole thing makes no sense (“I can’t be lord of Winterfell because I’m the Three Eyed Raven, but I can totally be King” ??? I just… honestly, my brain is not computing this well.) and I just… CAN WE FUCKING TALK ABOUT HOW SHE HAS PREVIOUSLY PLEDGED HERSELF TO PEOPLE WHO ARE IN SOME WAY VULNERABLE??? Seriously, who has she pledged oaths to before now? A gay man and women. Because that was always fucking important to me, and this is just… no.

The ending as it is basically just makes her Replacement Jaime–a highborn heir who instead takes the role of Kingsguard, but don’t worry guys she’s so Noble and Caring that she absolves Jaime of his sins by writing his story in the book. Where’s the fucking vomit emoji? (Don’t get me wrong, that scene is emotional and moving and honestly FUCK YOU GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE FOR BEING SO LOVELY AND TALENTED, but in the wider context of this show I just cannot see it as a good thing.)

I just… look, in my rant a few days ago I’d read the leaks, but I still had some hopes the ending would be better on screen; right now I can’t even articulate the number of levels it bothers me on, so just know that I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING HAPPY WITH HER ENDING! But I’m not, because it is this surface level understanding of what she desires from knighthood, and there is this… okay, so, I’m articulating this TERRIBLY because the original rant was solid but did not account for fuckery, but you know what Brienne’s ending made me think of? Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s interviews where he would fight for Jaime’s character and basically get told to shut up and follow the script. THAT is what Brienne’s ending feels like to me, and it shouldn’t.  She should have places to GO and GROW from here. Like, there are SO MANY things they could do with these characters that are surprising. Hell, imagine Brienne getting this knighthood and then getting presented with a similar situation to Jaime–does she keep an oath or to her own morals? Make it a smaller scale so that the answer isn’t so simple, have knighthood become shades of grey she never really understood–she gets what she wants, but it’s not simple. Boom, her story will go on after the end credits.

(I also have Capital I Issues with the narrative surrounding her love life and gender and… seriously, this could have been a motherfucking SERIES of rants. I could do a week’s worth just on how they did Brienne dirty)

RULE THREE: If you make me spend over an hour trying to present a coherent explanation for why your writing sucks and I’ve barely scratched the surface, you don’t get to write anything ever again. Sorry, I make the rules and I have decreed it so. All in agreement, raise your hand.

[butterflyheart-me]

My Top BL online stories (part 1)

Warning: There will be very naughty scenes 

1.  I never knew the World was this Bright

Theme: Online Gaming, School/College Life

Synopsis:

An Lian never thought he would make friends online when he started playing Red Dragon Quest for the first time. But as it turned out, he finds more than a friend... He finds a husband!

Little does An Lian know, this 'husband' in game is much closer to him in real life than he first suspects...

At the same time, in the real world, An Lian encounters a man named Jian Chen. An Lian remains oblivious to Jian Chen's advances until it is too late, and he is already too deep in the lion's den.

My thoughts:

Very Fluffy, some angst, it really makes the world bright. The MC is such a cinnamon roll while the ML is so protective of MC. Very cute couple

Side couple is super cute too. It was a nice surprise. Supportive friends FTW

2. A Lotus Born of Mud

Theme: Transmigration, Cultivation, Disciple x Master

Trigger Warning: contains sensitive themes such as child abuse, rape and self-harm

Synopsis:

"Lu ShiZun... I like you."

"I like you too XiaoYin."

"... My kind of like is where we'd tumble in bed all day all night kind of like ShiZun..."

*ferociously runs in the opposite direction

...........................................

 Lu BiMing was born in the modern ages. However due to orphaned and adopted by cruel people at a young age, his life was as miserable as any life could get. When he finally escapes looking to start a new life he slips up and drowns.

 Whilst in JiangHu lives a man has money and reputation.  He is murdered... by drowning...

 Lu BiMing's life changes after he wakes up in another body. Now he really has literally found a new life where no one knows of his past, his secrets or his fears. However, with a new body comes responsibility too and he soon discovers that twisted secrets exist in this world also.

 He goes out of character,

 He bends the rules,

 But most of all, he's caught the eye of a troubling disciple...

My thoughts:

The MC is very naive and adorable but he’s not weak. He can protect himself. He’s just very dense and unable to realize how attractive he is. He has a very sad life but he still have the strength to fight and make himself and other people he care about happy. 

ML is like a little lost puppy without his master. He can be sexy yet cute at the same time. He is very possesive to the point that he’s showing yandere-ish actions. He’s still sane tho. 

The story itself is very detailed. The characters aren’t one dimensional. Full of gray area. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry and in some cases you might get turned on

3.  I Love You from Alpha to Omega

Theme: Fantasy, Werewolves/Werecat

Trigger: contains scenes of abuse, PTSD

Ezra believed he would never find his mate, until he met Blair. While Ezra was away, training to become an Alpha strong enough to lead his pack, his mother and father adopted a new son into their home. When Ezra returnd home, he worried about competition from his new brother, Blair, for both his title and his parent's love and affection. It comes as a complete surprise to him that Blair is interested in neither. The small, skittish shifter is just a little neko, and above all, Ezra's mate.

    Ezra becomes concerned when his parents, the current Alpha and Luna of his pack, explain to him what little they know about Blair's devastating past. At first Ezra believes his only obstacle is to get his mate to accept him, but as Blair's previous life comes to light, blindsiding the couple, Ezra realizes he may have bit off more than he could chew. Ezra hopes his unconditional love for Blair will guide him in his quest to avenge his mate's honor. Follow Ezra and Blair as together they learn to trust in each other and develop a relationship unlike any other.

"I love you."

"How Much?" He breathlessly questioned.

"From A to Z, from Alpha to Omega." I confessed sincerely.

My Thoughts:

Very sensitive themes but you can really see that love exists between the main characters. It’s a little slow burn romance due to Blair’s past but you can really see how Ezra tries to become patient and understanding for his mate. I like that this story involves other kinds of love such as family/ parental love. Ezra’s parents are just the best. So pure.

2MOONS (Phayo/MingKit/ForthBeam) :

1. Last Descendant 

Theme: Fantasy, Magic, Kinda Avatar: Last Airbender inspired

Summary/ Description:

My name is Wayo Daichapanya. I am a non-magi. I can't seem to awaken my elemental powers. I envy my brother Ming who has awakened his earth magic since he was 5. He is going to go to a college in neutral lands so he can join the Wizards Rumble, a tournament of magic users. He is a powerful earth magic user, I believe he will win. I decided to come along with him to that college because I am quite attached to my brother. I always feel safe when I am with him, I can't imagine going to a different college.

I feel like someone has been stalking me in the college, but I can't seem to find who it is. Who is stalking me?

My thoughts:

Wayo is so such a cinnamon roll. He’s so lovable and innocent. Phana is such a bad ass here and also a possessive perv. 

TONS of MINGYO BROTHERLY cuteness!!!!!!!!

Mingkit is such a cute couple. Literally Fiery Kit and the adorable puppy Ming its just so funny

ForthBeam= trust issues storyline, mostly Beam’s. A very romantic Forth here. 

2. Two Planets

Summary/ Description:

He takes off his mask and what I see next is beyond awesome. Perfect face! He is so handsome. There is no way he is from Earth. Well, he is from Venus. His name is Phana, from the royal family Kongthanin.

My name is Wayo, from the royal family Panitchayasawad. Both of us got chosen as our respective planet's representative to enroll in the Intergalactic School. There will be other students from other planets too!

It has been my dream to know about other planets! But wait. Why is P'Pha holding my hands like this? This is in the school! This is embarrassing! *facepalms*

This story tells about Phana and Wayo, along with their friends from other planets in the Intergalactic School. Phana is from Venus, while Wayo is from Earth. What is about to bloom between the two planets?

My thoughts:

PREPARE TO DIE FROM EXTREME FLUFF AND CUTENESS. Sweet and loving yet possessive and perverted Phana X Innocent and lovable Prince Wayo

I just kept smiling while reading every chapter. THEY ARE BOTH CINNAMON ROLLS HERE! PLUS Phana is NOT A PLAYBOY here! He’s a virgin here.

There will be cameos

3.  Howling at the Moons

Theme: Fantasy,Supernatural, Werewolves, Omegaverse

Summary/ Description:

Yo is a young werewolf who wants nothing more than to experience life. To live, laugh, and love beyond the restrictions he has always known. Will college be his chance to do that?

 In a world where werewolves exist but are still 'in the closet' so to speak, how will our 6 boys handle their lives and loves while hiding one small secret from the world?

My Thoughts:

Very sweet loving couples. Full of Suprises. Cute funny scenes between the side couples (MingKit/ ForthBeam). MINGYO FRIENDSHIP FTW!!!!!! Very smexy scenes. 

4.  Taking a Bite Out of the Moons

Theme: Fantasy, Supernatural, Werewolves, Vampires, Fae

Trigger: School Bullying

Summay/Description:

Wayo is a simple human boy trapped in a lonely little world, until he makes friends with Ming and Forth, werewolves from the local pack. What adventures will they experience on their journey from secondary school students to college kids? And what awaits them at college?

 In a world where werewolves, vampires, and Fae exist and are 'out of the closet' so to speak, can our six boys find happiness and love?

My Thoughts:

Tons of twists and turns. Some light smexy threesome scenes but not all the way. There were actually scenes that made me cry. There will be character developments especially Wayo, Kit and of course Beam. 

CRACK/ GHOSTSHIPS

1. TEARS OF THE MOON (Forthyo)

The storyline is similar to 2moons but with Forth as lead

Summary/Description:

Ming being Ming  told me surely I had misunderstood and I so wanted it to be true, so I gladly accepted this point of view  although I knew without a shadow of doubt that I  had not misheard neither did I misunderstand.  That  night I chose to lie to myself  since I was not  prepared  to let go of P' Pha.

My Thoughts:

Seriously ship Forthyo here. Healthy relationship!!!

2.  Circus Freak (Mingyo)

Theme: Vampire, School Life

My Thoughts:

Sweet, lovely. Classic Besties turned Lovers with a twist

3. Guardian Angel (Mingyo)

Theme: School life

Summary/Description:

Ming blinks. This is this frist day in his new school and he has to witness a kid being hanged upside down in his one feet up the tree.

A thick glasses are dropped on the grass.

"Hey, do you know where the principal office is?" Ming asked him.

"Uhm. I want to show you but my sight is no use without my glasses." He said. His braces is colored blue.

Ming get the glasses from the grass and put it in the boy's eyes. Still with him hanging upside down.

He blinks several times to get used of the sudden clear sight. "Wow. You are handsome."

Ming blinks several times. "Wha...t...."

"There...." the boy points at one of the dirrection.

Ming blinks. "Why don't you just show me?" He said.

"I would like to, but if you haven't notice yet, I am hanged upside down here." He said. "Beside, you better not seen with me. You'll get trouble."

"Like what?"

"This."

Ming blinks. "Yeah... maybe my trouble would be much bigger than that. But hell with that." He puts down his back pack and then climbs up the tree.

Not long after, the boy with glasses and braces hit the ground with a loud thump sound.

Ming laughs. "You are so silly."

My Thoughts:

Bad boy/ Naughty Ming x Openly gay and sassy Wayo. Daddy kinks

This is all for now. Sorry all of them are on wattpad. the ones from other sites such as novelupdates are still ongoing so i couldn’t complete them yet

i’ll post more once i finished some more and depends if you guys want me to post more of these. 

I still haven’t finished tons of webnovels and fanfic coz they are either still updating or i got really distracted. ANY WAY PLEASE SUPPORT THE AUTHORS THEY DESERVE LOVE! 

let’s talk and discuss more love!!!

[amethyst-noir]

tony and stephen taking a much needed vacation on a small stretch of remote and private beach with a quaint little cottage tony owns. just having fun in the ocean, sunbathing, skinny dipping at night, making love beneath the stars. just pure and simple bliss of being able to enjoy one another uninterrupted

Happy Birthday, Doctor Stephen Strange. In honor of his day I’ve decided to post pure and utter fluff and gift him with an engagement to Tony, once again. It’s so sweet one might get sick when staring at it for too long. You have been warned. 😉

This is a short sequel to In the Wake of Adversity, if you want to read more about the black silk, but can be read alone. It continues the light d/s themes brought up in the second chapter of that story - and makes a little bit more explicit, but still very tame - but otherwise it’s just pure fluff with an annoying lack of sex because I still can’t write that. So if you like a hint of bondage with a slightly submissive Stephen you might enjoy this one. I’d say this is R rated because the intent and the not so innocent implications are there, I just fail at the delivery. Sorry. But that’s what a fade to black is there for. This is the last of the nice, fluffy prompts from two months ago. I loved it so much that I decided to keep it for last. I already miss them. 🦋

The title, just like its predecessor, was taken from a song by Dead Can Dance.

A Passage in Time

“Stephen?” Tony spoke his name quietly but Stephen was too immersed in his book to even look up. A short “Hmm?” was his only reaction.

But when nothing came afterwards he looked up - only to be captivated by the look on Tony’s face. The book suddenly forgotten he focused his whole attention on the man before him. Kneeling before him. “What? How? Why?”

Tony laughed. “Don’t get all worked up, love, this is not an proposal. At least not of the sorts you’re probably thinking of right now.” Tony held out his right hand, waiting.

What a shame, Stephen thought before he could get himself under control. It took him only a moment to switch gears and put his left hand into Tony’s waiting one. The gesture was familiar by now and he knew what was now coming. Time to get ‘undressed’ as he’d started to call it in his mind when Tony unwrapped the black silk bindings form his arms on the end of the day.

“It’s already time?” he asked uncertainly. Pleasantly tired after hours out in the sun and a few hours lazing around with an interesting book he’d lost all concept of time. But it was already dark outside, so…

“Not quite. But I want to take you out into the ocean and they would get in the way.” Tony slowly started to unwrap the silk. He always took his time, making sure to touch every bit of newly exposed skin. When he was finished he pressed a kiss right onto the pulse point. He smirked when he felt Stephen’s pulse jump under his lips. “Eager, aren’t we?”

The time for pretense was long over; Stephen had given up telling himself that he wasn’t completely in love with Tony months ago. “Always.” He put his trembling hand on Tony’s face and bent down to capture his mouth in a kiss. A moment later he slid off the couch to join Tony on the carpeted floor of their beach refugium. “What do you have in mind?” He held out his right arm and Tony started to loosen the silk. He had his own ideas and was curious if they were more or less the same.

“A little bit of night swimming,” was the answer, accompanied by a suggestive wink and Stephen smiled. Exactly what he had had in mind.

“And afterwards?”

“I’m open to suggestions. I’ve been told that I’m too dominant and need to learn to let other people make the decisions.”

Who told you that? Stephen just cocked an eyebrow, unimpressed. Everytime Stephen wanted to take charge Tony was more than willing to let him do with him and his body as he pleased. But it was true that Tony more often than not took the lead in their love life and it was done by mutual agreement. Most of the time Stephen liked it when Tony told him what to do in bed. Or other places. Especially since coming back from over a year as a ghost he reveled in being held down and gently be put into his place. The black silk around his wrists had become so much more than just an exercise in getting him used to have something more or less permanently around his wrists and arms. The braces he would get someday would give him better support and maybe even stop the shaking. But in the meantime? Black silk bonds it was and Stephen had been the one to react in an unexpected way the first time Tony had put them on him. That night had been memorable and Tony, after a short period of adjustment, had reveled in his new role.

It worked amazingly well and Stephen didn’t take kindly to people needlessly criticising things about Tony.

They would talk about it another time, Stephen would make sure of that. Right now they were on a time-out, far away from reality, and he didn’t want anything to interfere with their hard-won vacation. “Then I decide to let you decide,” he said after a moment of consideration and made sure to relax his body even more into Tony’s direction. “I’m yours, so do with me whatever you want.” Tony had a wonderful, wicked imagination and had surprised Stephen quite a few times so far.

He was rewarded with a beautiful smile that lit up Tony’s whole face and eyes. Stephen breath caught, as always when he was confronted with all the love and adoration Tony felt for him. He could only hope that his own face could convey even a fraction of the same emotions. Tony carefully removed the last of the silk before kissing his right hand. “Come here,” he murmured and Stephen followed willingly into the embrace. He shivered as Tony’s hands found their way under the loose, sleeveless tunic he wore and began to stroke his back and sides. “You’re going to me mine later.” There was a growl in Tony’s voice and Stephen shivered in anticipation. It had been far too long since the last time they had a whole night just for each other and now they had three days.

“I already am,” he whispered back. “Completely and forever.”

Through countless timelines, through death and beyond.

“You romantic idiot.” Tony took his time in kissing him while caressing his body everywhere he could reach, except where Stephen really wanted him to touch him. Typical. He must have communicated his dismay somehow because he got another laugh before Tony disentangled himself and stood up. “Later,” he promised and held out a hand to help him up. “I wanted to take you out into the ocean in the middle of the night for ages and now’s the time. Come on, Stephen.”

Despite his age, the implants and all the pain that came with them Tony still was incredibly strong and had no problems with pulling Stephen up. He could probably carry Stephen anywhere he wished, even without the aid of the armor. So far Stephen had kept his fantasies along those lines a closely guarded secret but more and more often he thought about confessing them. By the looks Tony gave him it was clear he suspected something anyway.

The walk to the waterline was short and they took it in silence, with their hands entwined. Atypically for Tony he also stayed silent as they both undressed but as usual he was the first to finish. Instead of watching Stephen struggle with his clothes he looked out into the ocean.

“I’d love to take you right here, under the stars. But the sand would get everywhere and we don’t need that drama. And underwater sex is not what they told me it would be. I’m not subjecting you to that.” Tony shuddered theatrically and finally turned around to look at Stephen in all his naked glory. Including scars and trembling hands. He didn’t say anything about the way Stephen was rubbing his left wrist; he wasn’t used to have it bare anymore and he missed the slight extra stability the silk bonds gave him.

Stephen needed only a moment of contemplation. It would hurt nobody and barely required any effort on his part. He closed his eyes, forced his aching wrists to move the right way, and…

“One nice spot on the beach, guaranteed sand free,” he said, looking at his work. A rather big spot of beach where the sand had been magically forced to stay put, no matter what might be done with it. “And don’t tell me you don’t have everything else stashed somewhere. I know you.” A blanket, lubrication and whatever else Tony had deemed necessary for this little excursion. Knowing him there was half a house hidden behind the rocks around them.

Tony beamed at him. “Have I told you lately how much I love your magic?”

Stephen smiled back. “Once or twice.” It’s nothing you couldn’t have done yourself, once upon a time, he didn’t add. Those bridges had long since burned down and been washed away. “You can get everything ready here and meet me in the water later.” Without another glance in Tony’s direction he strode into the warm water and didn’t stop until he could barely stand anymore. He tilted his head back and stared up into the night sky. Waiting. For Tony. And whatever else his devious partner might have in store for him.

He half expected a half-serious complaint about leaving Tony to do all the work but to his surprise Tony stayed silent once again. Something was up, Stephen was more and more sure of that. Since the moment Tony had hesitantly brought up the possibility of getting away for a few days - no phones, no internet, not even FRIDAY, Stephen, I promise. I just want to spent some time with you and you alone - Stephen had the nagging feeling that there was more to the whole getaway than escape from the hellish cold of a New York winter. Just before, when he’d seen Tony on his knees before him, he’d thought he had finally figured it out but of course Tony had to surprise him once again.

“What is he up to?” he asked the stars above in a near silent whisper.

He felt more than heard Tony’s approach so he wasn’t surprised when he was once again taken into an embrace. Tony tended to hold on to him whenever possible, something that had started the moment Stephen had come back and which had only escalated from there. Since Stephen had learned to love being held at the same time it worked out wonderfully. Tony took them a little bit further toward the shore so that he could stand more securely. “Relax, I’ve got you.”

With his head on Tony’s shoulder it was even nicer to look up to the stars. “We were up there,” he finally said when Tony fell silent once again.

“Hmm.”

“It was beautiful.”

“And deadly.” Tony’s hold tightened, as always when he was reminded about the time Stephen had died in his arms. Stephen wanted to turn around to stand up but Tony held on and told him wordlessly to stay put. He bent down to whisper into Stephen’s ear: “But, yes, beautiful. Do you remember? We had our first argument out there, among the stars.” He laughed, even if it sounded a little bit forced, and, after a moment, Stephen joined him.

“It was almost romantic,” he allowed. “Aside from everything that was not.”

“The stars gave me you.” That wasn’t strictly true but Stephen didn’t care. The quietly spoken words were full of meaning and emotion. Stephen could feel tears threatening. He had no idea how to react since he still didn’t know what Tony wanted from him.

“If you want anything from me tonight you might want to change your approach,” he finally said and hated himself for still sounding a little bit choked. He finally closed his eyes, unwilling to let Tony see how glassy they were.

“I have you exactly where and how I want you.” Tony pressed a kiss against his temple while the hand not holding him in place wandered down to come to rest low on his stomach. Stephen’s interest was there, definitely, but his body hadn’t quite gotten the memo yet. He wasn’t worried. They had all the time in the world.

“Ready and willing to let you do anything to me?”

“Happy and relaxed, only in minimal discomfort.” Tony resisted any attempt to lighten the mood so this was important. Stephen had known that before, of course, but only now he began to fully understand the gravity of the situation. As if woken by Tony’s words his left wrist gave a slight twinge. He suppressed a sigh.

“Why are we here, Tony?” he finally asked the question that had been taunting him for the whole day.

“This is the closest we can come to the stars and be alone,” Tony said instead of answering. “If I could I would take you back out there to do it right but this is the next best thing.”

Yes. Stephen finally knew for sure where this was going. He hadn’t been wrong before, just a little bit too early. Slowly he turned around and stood up. Tony immediately shifted his hands so that he could still hold onto him. He gently brushed a strand of wet hair out of Stephen’s face. He looked nervous and a little afraid. “Will you marry me?”

A thousand answers, a few of them quite sharp, were on the tip of his tongue but in the end, Stephen decided against all of them and went for a simple “Yes”. He leaned in and whispered it against Tony’s lips just before kissing him, trusting Tony to hold them steady in the water while his hands explored the familiar body all over again.

A few minutes later Tony, who, as almost always, just knew what was going on in Stephen’s mind, carried him out of the water and laid him down on the waiting blanket on the beach. “I love you,” he said over and over again while putting a pliant Stephen into the black silk again. He repeated it as he, after careful preparation, finally pushed into Stephen while carefully holding on to his wrists. “I’m never letting you go again.”

Stephen, overwhelmed by pleasure and his own emotions still managed a “likewise” while wrapping his legs around Tony’s waist to hold him close.

The sound of Tony’s laugh echoing across the beach was the most wonderful sound in the universe.

💫

[mzhong2014]

Weekly reading digest (7/28-8/3)

A break to remember: Stanford faculty reminisce about their college summers:

Reading about the faculty members whom I admire so much, this was a humanizing post that reminded me that everyone has struggled through the routine and impossible just like you have. My favorite quote from Ambassador Eikenberry about his summer learning how to jump out of an aircraft while at the US Army Airborne School. Ambassador Eikenberry is the embodiment of poise, humbleness, and courage, so I particularly enjoyed reading his blurb:

“As the aircraft rumbled toward the drop zone, one of the cadre, a very seasoned sergeant, gets in front of me, grabs my two shoulder straps, looks me in the face and because of the deafening engine noise, shouted at me: ‘Airborne,’– which is how all students are addressed – ‘are you nervous?’

And although I was nervous, I gave the answer I thought he wanted to hear.

‘No, Sergeant,’ I said. ‘I’m not nervous.’

The sergeant looked at me and very calmly said: ‘Airborne, I want you to be nervous. This is your first jump.’

I’ll never forget that expression on his face and his sincerity.

‘Every time you jump out of an airplane in the future, I want you to be nervous,’ the sergeant said to me. ‘Because when you are nervous, you are thinking hard about the challenge you are facing. In your mind, you are going through all the training you had – what is the next thing to do and what to do should something go wrong.’

And then he said: ‘What I don’t want you to do is be afraid. Be nervous, but don’t be afraid. If you let your fears control you, then you are going to make a mistake.’”

To be great, you must first be vulnerable. 

The Brethren: Inside the Supreme Court

I started listening to this on audiobook when I spontaneously decided to drive to San Diego at 10;30 pm on a Saturday night and back Sunday afternoon (totaling 5 hours of driving).

The Brethren is written by Bob Woodward, yes, one of the reporters of the Wategate Scandal. Earlier this year, I grabbed coffee with a litigator in an effort to shed light on the mysterious question of what does it mean to be a lawyer. He recommended this book to help elucidate this question, and only 30 minutes into the audiobook, I understood why. It is perhaps the most intimate account of the prestigious Supreme Court, uncovering the day-to-day scenes hidden behind the white marble columns and impressive wooden bench. In contrast to my other readings that cover the intellectual origins of the judiciary branch, The Brethren shows how the justice system works in a very raw and real-life manner. Spanning 1969-1975 during Burger’s early years as Chief Justice, it shows exactly how politics mixes with the supposedly nonpartisan judiciary system, the nitty-gritty of how varying legal philosophies translate to vastly diverse approaches towards handling legal issues (especially during a very contentious period with the civil rights movement), as well as how the different personalities impacted the very tactical routines of the Supreme Court.

No specific quotes because, unfortunately, I do not have the auditory version of photographic memory, but initial reactions:  

I was surprised by how the Justice’s different opinions extended beyond the question of whether something was constitutional, but also the question of how do policymakers tactically carry out a Supreme Court decision. For example, the first few chapters focused on the decision around how to issue a court order regarding Brown v Board of Education as Southern states dug their heels in to prolong the delay of integration of schools. Because of the vague phrasing used in the ruling opinion, “with all deliberate speed,” lawyers were using this language to justify these 15-year delays. The court order had to achieve and balance a number of objectives: avoid appearing submissive to the delay and admonish any attempts to prevent integration while balancing the practical concerns for allowing time to let schools create and implement a sound plan for integration to minimize the chaos / violence during this time. But should these practical considerations be up to the judiciary branch to decide? 

As a junior consultant, it was interesting to see how exactly the Justices manage their clerks and how each Justice’s personality dictated their working norms -- shows how collegial the Court is but also how political it can be 

It was also interesting to see the different philosophies that the Justices had towards being a judge. To grossly generalize, the Justices had very different opinions on the degree to which they cared about being legally rigorous in their opinions versus arriving at some legal conclusion with considerable political and social implications

The Brothers Karamazov: Ivan’s Rebellion

One of the most famous passages in The Brother’s Karamazov is Ivan’s rebellion, where he rejects God of his justice system. The dialogue occurs between Ivan, the intellectual of his three brothers, and Alyosha, the most spiritually pure of the three. Ivan focuses his argument on the suffering of children to illustrate the injustice of God. 

“I won't speak of grown-up people is that, besides being disgusting and unworthy of love, they have a compensation—they've eaten the apple and know good and evil, and they have become 'like gods.' They go on eating it still. But the children haven't eaten anything, and are so far innocent.”

Ivan proceeds to provide anecdotes that he has collected of children suffering – which are based on true stories that Dostoevsky collected from the newspaper. Ivan recounts tales of how the Turks cut open “the unborn child from the mother’s womb,” skewering babies with their bayonets in glee. He tells another story of a five-year old girl beaten to pulp by her parents, her mouth smeared with excrement, left to sleep in the cold frost of an outhouse. With relentless momentum, Ivan recounts his last story about a serf-boy who throws a stone at a kennel of hounds, and hurts the paw of a general’s dog. The child is summoned to the general and stripped naked.

“He shivers, numb with terror, not daring to cry… 'Make him run,' commands the general. 'Run! run!' shout the dog-boys. The boy runs…'At him!' yells the general, and he sets the whole pack of hounds on the child. The hounds catch him, and tear him to pieces before his mother's eyes!”

The Bible reasons that all, including children, must suffer for man’s sin. Even the most innocent, children, “must suffer for their fathers' sins, they must be punished for their fathers, who have eaten the apple.” These damned children, Ivan continues, some may twistedly suggest that “the child would have grown up and have sinned, but you see he didn't grow up, he was torn to pieces by the dogs, at eight years old.”  

Ivan concludes that he cannot accept God if his justice requires children to suffer for an “eternal harmony.”

“I must have justice, or I will destroy myself. And not justice in some remote infinite time and space, but here on earth, and that I could see myself. I have believed in it. I want to see it, and if I am dead by then, let me rise again, for if it all happens without me, it will be too unfair. Surely I haven't suffered simply that I, my crimes and my sufferings, may manure the soil of the future harmony for somebody else. I want to see with my own eyes the hind lie down with the lion and the victim rise up and embrace his murderer. I want to be there when everyone suddenly understands what it has all been for. All the religions of the world are built on this longing, and I am a believer. But then there are the children, and what am I to do about them? That's a question I can't answer.

[…]

While there is still time, I hasten to protect myself, and so I renounce the higher harmony altogether. It's not worth the tears of that one tortured child who beat itself on the breast with its little fist and prayed in its stinking outhouse, with its unexpiated tears to 'dear, kind God'! It's not worth it, because those tears are unatoned for. They must be atoned for, or there can be no harmony. But how? How are you going to atone for them? Is it possible? By their being avenged? But what do I care for avenging them? What do I care for a hell for oppressors? What good can hell do, since those children have already been tortured? And what becomes of harmony, if there is hell? I want to forgive. I want to embrace. I don't want more suffering. And if the sufferings of children go to swell the sum of sufferings which was necessary to pay for truth, then I protest that the truth is not worth such a price.”

And that is the crux of the passage – the prospect of an eternal harmony is not worth the suffering of the innocent to repent for the Sin of Man.

In face of our inability to find the meaning of seemingly meaningless suffering in the empirical and physical world, we are faced with two options: 1) consult the transcendental for truths that lie outside of our physical world or 2) turn inwards to provide meaning ourselves. Both are fairly unsatisfactory frameworks, in my opinion. An argument against the first is well illustrated above, and there is little that I can add of intellectual value to Dostoevsky’s work. 

As for the second point, everyone tells you during intense moments of suffering that you will always learn something in hindsight -- in an attempt to imbue seemingly meaningless suffering with meaning. After all, the human mind cannot fathom the possibility of meaningless suffering -- that all of this pain is for nothing; that there is no such thing as karma or justness in the world. This seems equally absurd because why does learning have to require so much suffering? Are humans just too dumb to learn from happy experiences? 

For the meantime, I’m not sure what exactly sure why there is so much suffering in life and whether it is justified by some external or internal truths. For now, all that I know is that a lot of terrible things in life happen, and all that humans can do is simply react to them.