#a vampire bite attack
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elfsyellowflowerzart · 7 months ago
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very very low effort scribble of my favorite boy ilythyrra that im posting mostly to show off the dragon himself
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creative-clawmarks · 2 months ago
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If Alex keeps Amy's bone with him, does that mean he had it with him in Tim’s attic? And if so, did Tim’s wolf pick up on it/sniff it out and go "there's a body part in your attic" when he and Jay come home to find that Brian and Alex trashed his house?
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KO-FI
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a-reader-and-a-writer · 1 month ago
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Drink With Me (Part 2)
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AI-Less Whumptober 2024: Day 6. self-sacrifice Fandom: Top Gun, Top Gun: Maverick, Jake "Hangman" Seresin, f!reader, Vampire Apocalypse AU Summary: Two years after Jake was forced to watch you ripped apart by the creatures that now terrorize the world, he is a shell of the man he once was. However, a familiar voice calling to him in the dark may give him a second chance. Word Count: 5911 TW: Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Vampires, Character Death, Murder, Grief, Biting, Mention of Suicidal Thoughts, Drinking (alcohol and blood), Language Notes: Not beta read so sorry for any mistakes! Part of @ailesswhumptober's event! 💗
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Whumptober 2024 Masterlist
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“No….No!” 
He tries to race to your side, to stop the torment playing out before his eyes, but he is held back by hundreds of hands wrapping around him, pulling him away. Fighting against them with every ounce of his strength, he screams, “Get the fuck off of me! We need to help her! No! What the fuck are you doing?” 
“She’s gone, Hangman,” dozens of disembodied voices whisper in unison from the darkness behind him. “I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing else anyone can do for her now. It’s over. It’s been over for years. You failed. Just as you continue to fail every night.”
“No! I can save her! Please, let me save her this time!” Jake sobs as he continues to struggle against whatever is holding him back. “Please!”
But it’s no use. He’s not strong enough. As he is dragged farther and farther away, he sees you lift your head one last time, panic and pain etched across your face. You lock eyes with him and just have time to scream a terrified, “Jake!” before one of the creatures rips your throat out with its teeth—
Jake bolts upright with a deep gasp, only to immediately collapse back onto his mattress with a pitiful moan. He grabs his head as it throbs painfully with every beat of his racing heart and he squeezes his eyes together tightly in an attempt to stop the world from spinning around him. But it does little to help. His nearly naked body feels sticky and gross tangled in his soiled sheet and he wonders if it’s just sweat from the nightmare, or if he vomited in his sleep again. Maybe both…probably both. 
At least he is fairly certain he hadn’t pissed himself this time if the intense pressure in his bladder is any indication. However, he doesn’t have the faintest desire to crawl to the bathroom so he’ll worry about those consequences later. Instead, he rolls over and tries to push your final agonized scream from his mind so he can go back to some semblance of sleep.
Just as he begins to pass out again, he hears the curtain hanging around his small space being pushed back and the toe of a boot digs into his side. Without opening his eyes, he swats at the foot, trying to shove it away. “‘uck off, Phe,” he mumbles somewhat coherently. “‘s too early.”
“Tell that to the rest of us who have already been awake for several hours,” Phoenix snaps, driving her boot deeper into Jake’s ribs. When he tries to roll away, she sighs, “Do we really have to do this every morning? I’m not your fucking babysitter. Get up! Bob and I need your help setting up the trap while the light’s in the right position.”
There is nothing in the world that Jake wants to do more than ignore her and go back to sleep. However, she’s right. They do go through this every morning and by now he has accepted the fact that he can not win this argument. So, reluctantly, he peels open his eyes and squints up at her.
Seeing that some progress is being made, Phoenix removes her boot from his side and takes a few steps back. In doing so, she almost slips on the drink Jake had spilled the night before. Looking around his small space, she shakes her head. 
“Jesus, Hangman,” she grumbles as she kicks a few empty wine bottles out of the way, sending them clinking across the floor only to crash into piles of more. “How the hell are you still consistently finding this much alcohol? We’re barely finding enough food.”
Heaving himself up until he’s sitting on the edge of his mattress, Jake rests his head heavily in his hands as the world continues to spin around him. Still slurring slightly, he mutters, “‘s not enough. Two bottles a night aren’t helpin’ anymore. Nightmare’s back.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve all got our own nightmares that haunt us and you don’t see the rest of us pickling our livers to deal with it.” She hurls a half-empty backpack at him which smacks into the side of his head, nearly knocking over his unsteady form. “Now get your shit together and meet us out front in thirty minutes. We’ve got work to do.” She stomps out of his little alcove to give him some privacy but then pivots to add, “And for fuck’s sake, take a shower.”
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Forty-five minutes later, Jake steps out of the shower stall, a thread-bare towel wrapped low on his hips. He shivers slightly as he pads across the cold tile floor towards the sinks. The water heater broke a few months ago and with no one left in their dwindling group who knew how to fix it, freezing showers had become the norm. While they should be grateful they even had any water at all, Jake can’t help but recall a time when a hot shower was the best part of his day. 
A soft gasp leaves your lips as he presses his bare body against yours, pinning you to the cool tile wall. Your eyes sparkle in the muted light filtered through the shower curtain as you gaze hungrily at him. Warm water flows over his back as he sinks into you—
No. No memories. Not now. Not when he doesn’t have the luxury of going back to his “room” and drowning them in booze. 
Instead, Jake quickly dresses, trying his best not to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Half the time—when there is still enough lingering alcohol in his system—he sees your mangled corpse standing behind his reflection. The other half, he left staring at the shell of the man he had become. In some ways, that’s worse because he knows it would break your heart to see what losing you has done to him.
Even though sanitation supplies had only really become a scarcity in the last few months, Jake had given up the will for self-grooming long before that. The tangled beard covering his sunken cheeks is a clear indication of that as is the long greasy strands of hair hanging limply in front of the dark circles surrounding his bloodshot eyes. You had always preferred him clean-shaven and with shorter hair. But you were gone so he didn’t give a fuck.
Exiting the bathroom, Jake heads toward the front of the church. He averts his eyes as he passes the bulletin board that had been converted into a memorial shrine for those they had lost. He remembers the days when there had only been a few names and pictures up there. Now, the fallen takes up every inch of the board and spills out across the wall. Jake used to use the board as his motivation to keep fighting, to not let more names be added to the list. But now that it contains so many faces of the people he cared deeply for or respected—you, Coyote, Iceman, Cyclone, Payback—it has become a constant reminder of all the ways he failed.  
Once, this rag-tag group of survivors who had dubbed themselves The Daggers had numbered in the dozens. But now, there are only a handful left. And with supplies and food dwindling quickly, there is no telling how long it’ll be before the rest of them earn a place on the board.
As he pushes his way through the church doors, Jake recoils as he is hit with the full brightness of the sunny day. His headache which had previously dulled slightly in the cold shower came rushing back with a vengeance. Groaning, he digs his sunglasses out of the backpack Phoenix had thrown him earlier and places them on his face. They were a cheap plastic pair Coyote had picked up for him on one of his runs to the pharmacy over a year ago, but they at least cut out some of the glare.
Phoenix is leaning against the fence with her arms folded across her chest, a scowl carved deep into her face. Now that most of those originally in charge were no longer with them, the title of leader had fallen on her shoulders. For the past few months, she had done everything in her power to hold the group together despite the increasingly dire conditions—and one jackass of a drunk who makes her life that much more difficult.   
Next to her, Bob scans the area just beyond the fence, his blue eyes alert behind his cracked glasses. With his unusual prescription, it’s been impossible to find a replacement after they slipped off his face running from a pack of creatures. He made it safely to the church in one piece—one of his lenses did not. Yet, he has never once complained or made excuses for his impaired vision. 
They were the best of the remaining survivors and had become the only real hope the Daggers had left. Yet they spent most of their days dragging Jake’s sorry ass around to ensure he didn’t drink himself to death.
Jake had been like them once: always stepping up when volunteers were needed, doing what he could to fix what was broken, protecting the people within their group. But he hadn’t been that person for the past two years. Not since he had watched you devoured before his eyes as he stood on these very steps.
It was that moment he tried desperately to avoid every night in his dreams. Reliving that day over and over again. Knowing all the moments he could have done something differently or acted faster that would have saved you yet being unable to change anything. Just forced to hear your agonizing final screams before catching his last glimpse of you whispering his name…
He needs to find more alcohol.
“About fucking time,” Phoenix mutters under her breath, pushing herself off the fence.
Bob shoots her a stern look, one that softens as he turns his attention to the new arrival. “Thanks for helping us out, Jake. We appreciate the extra hands.”
“Not like she gave me much of a choice,” Jake mutters under his breath. But seeing the way Bob’s shoulders slump at his words, he does his best to smile at him. “But I’m here now so let’s do this.”
Bob’s smile returns and he nods happily at the other man. As he turns to exit the churchyard, Phoenix shoots Jake another dirty look. He knows despite Bob’s insistence that she keeps dragging Jake along with them, she’s afraid Jake’ll screw up and cost her or Bob their lives. And it’s a fair concern. After all, it’s his fault Bob was almost killed the time his glasses were damaged. Jake had been drunk on patrol and hadn’t seen the creatures until it was almost too late to warn the rest of the team. While Bob never blamed him, Phoenix did. She tried to be as supportive as possible when Jake first began to spiral, but after the incident with Bob, she only tolerated his antics for the sake of her partner. Though not even she despised this version of Jake as much as Jake despised himself. 
Jake knew what a failure and a screwup he had become. Yet as much as he wished he could pull himself together and become the man he used to be, he also knew that there was only one person who could help him do that. 
But you were never coming back.
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It’s amazing how much the world can change in such a short amount of time. In the three short years since the creatures first appeared, the center of town is now virtually unrecognizable. Vines and various foliage scale the sides of all the buildings. Cars are abandoned in the middle of the street, some with their doors still open as their passengers fled from them. Every window has been dark since the power grid failed. And without the constant upkeep, everything is starting to decay.
The warehouse is no exception. Once bustling and full of life, it has now is a shadow of its former self. With very few windows save those by the entrance and no interior lights left to brighten the space, the interior becomes a black hole after walking just a few feet into it. However due to a collapse in the roof, at certain times of the day, a single shaft of light shines all the way down to the ground floor creating a small illuminated circle on the floor. 
It is in this small safe haven that Jake finds himself. Echos bounce off the walls of the cavernous space as he puts the finishing touches on the trap in front of him. Four months ago, a few survivors passing through had shared what they had discovered with The Daggers—a way to kill the creatures. Jake still doesn’t understand how it works, something to do with converting normal light into an artificial sunlight of sorts, but luckily there were those smarter than him around who understood and harnessed this knowledge into weapons. Since then, The Daggers had managed to take out a few of the creatures. However, they quickly learned that attacking the creatures in the large packs they usually hunted in resulted in costly casualties on both sides.
It was Phoenix’s brilliant idea to take the stealth approach instead of the head-on one. They began setting traps in the area using motion lights in the hopes of eliminating some of the creatures stalking near their hideout in the middle of the night when they were at their most active. So far, they have had promising results. 
Jake is almost done setting this trap. Then he can test it and use his flashlight to get himself from this shaft of light back outside. Hopefully, he’ll then have time to sneak off to try to find more alcohol before Phoenix and Bob return for him. He hasn’t checked the houses a few blocks to the east yet and maybe—
“Jake…”
Jake’s head snaps up as his heart freezes in his chest, the trap instantly forgotten. His eyes dart around the room searching for the source of the sound. But there’s no one else there. He’s alone…he’s always alone.
Yet, just as he begins to return to his job at hand, he sees something. Squinting, he peers deeper into the heart of the building and just makes out the faint outline of a single figure within the darkness.
Instincts kicking in, Jake draws his knife from his boot and drops into a defensive stance in the center of the beam of light, waiting for the attack he knows is coming. His eyes flicker around the space, searching the darkness for signs of the rest of the swarm, yet for now all he can see is the one in front of him. But he knows that can’t be it. The creatures hunt in groups, using their numbers to overwhelm and incapacitate their victims so escape is nigh on impossible. The only few loners they had come across over the years were ones that had been injured or were too malnourished to contribute to the next hunt.
But the figure standing before Jake doesn’t seem injured or blood-crazed. It stands straight and still, completely unmoving. For several moments, nothing happens. Though still cautious, Jake begins to relax his stance a little, wondering if his eyes or mind is just playing tricks on him.
But then, a voice cuts through the silence. “I was three blocks away when I caught your scent. I don’t know how, but I immediately knew it was you.”
The knife slips from Jake’s fingers, the clatter of metal on tile echoing around the cavernous room. The voice that he had not heard outside of his dreams for the past two years punches him in the chest, nearly bringing him to his knees as tears welled up in his eyes. “B-baby?”
There is a pause before the voice continues, unemotional and flat. “I should have bolted in any other direction, put as much space between us as possible but…I couldn’t. I’m selfish enough that I had to risk seeing you one last time.”
“Oh my god,” Jake breathes. “It’s really you.”
He takes a few stumbling steps towards the figure—towards you—but you draw back further into the shadows. “No! Stop! Stay in the light.” There is a panicked edge in your tone, the first sign of emotion you have let slip in, and it is enough to make Jake listen.
As much as he longs to launch himself into your arms, he reluctantly does what you ask. He lingers just shy of the darkness, the toes of his boots resting at the point where the last of the sunbeams fade on the tiles. 
“How are you here?” he asks, his voice breaking. 
“You know how.”
He did. It was a fear that had nestled in the back of his mind these past two years that he didn’t dare consider. Whether that was out of the fear of falling into despair or building up false hope, he didn’t know. But he had never let himself imagine this moment and, now that it was happening, he didn’t know what to do. 
Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, he says, “You said you caught my scent…Do I smell as sexy as you remember?”
A surprised snort of laughter echoes throughout the room as you are taken aback by his question. But when you speak, he hears tears in your voice, “Yeah, Jake. As sexy as always.”
Whatever cold, distant shell you had put in place when you first arrived crumbled and Jake can now hear the real you behind the words. Swallowing, he murmurs, “Please…let me see you.”
Your outline shifts in the darkness. “I-I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Please, baby. For the last two years, all I could see was that last memory of you. I need this.”
“No. Seeing me like this is not going to be any better than seeing me like that. I’ve changed.”
“So have I. But I love you and I’ll still love you no matter what.”
For a moment, there is only silence. Then you whisper, “Step to the other side of the light.”
Jake immediately scrambles backward, almost falling as he stumbles over the long-forgotten trap. But he makes it to the outer rim of the circle of light and waits. 
Slowly, your shape edges closer to the light. At first, Jake still can’t make out any details of the person in front of him. But when he does, his heart clenches in his chest. 
There is no denying that it is the woman he loves standing before him but yet it’s not the you he remembers. Your skin has been drained of its color and now resembles that of a corpse, cold and lifeless. Sharp, pointed teeth jut out your mouth over bloodless lips and your fingers end in claw-like talons. You are still wearing the same clothes you had on the day you were attacked but they are shredded and stiff with dried blood in various colors ranging from bright red to rusty-brown. Jake wonders how much of it is yours and how much is your victims.
Any lingering doubt he had about how you are here, any sliver of hope you had escaped your fate, is shattered instantly. This isn’t a miracle. It is a nightmare, a curse. 
But based on the gasp that escapes your trembling lips, you must be thinking the same thing as you get a good look at the man he has become. 
“Oh, Jake…” Your hands fly up to cover your mouth as your eyes continue to roam over his body. Yet even covered, he can see your jaw trembling as you cry, “Baby, what…We promised if something ever happened to the other, we wouldn’t give up. We would keep fighting.”
“I’m still here, aren’t I?” Jake snaps. But then he wilts under the weight of your gaze. Scrubbing his hand over his face, he whispers, “I almost ended it—a few times. Drugs, booze, even thought I’d take my nickname literally. Made a noose and everything. But the thing that always stopped me was that promise. So, yeah, I–I’ve been a bit of a mess since you—” he gestures at your transformed self “—and I’m sorry. I tried to be strong but losing you was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. We were supposed to face this hellscape together and I didn’t know how to cope without you so I let myself become someone that I hate. But now that you’re back—”
“I’m not back, Jake. That’s not why—” You shake your head, letting your hands drop. “I shouldn’t be here. This was a mistake and I never should have come. I should have just let you think I was dead. I-I have to go.”
“No! Please–” As Jake takes a few steps across the circle of light, you cower back, retreating further into the darkness.
“Stop!” There is a pained quiver in your voice. “I’m barely controlling myself as it is. If you get closer…I can’t hurt you, Jake. I can’t. But I know if you get any closer, I will and there’ll be nothing I can do to stop it.”
Jake shakes his head. “No. I don’t believe it. You would never hurt me.”
“You don’t get it. It’s not a choice, it’s an undeniable force. It’s hard enough to control myself when I’m fully satiated, but I haven’t fed in almost a week. Your blood—” You squeeze your eyes closed tightly. When you open them again, they have darkened significantly. There is still some color in them, not the pitch-black orbs Jake is used to seeing when the creatures were attacking, but the change still makes him inhale sharply. “The venom doesn’t just turn us into these…these things. It drives us to hunt, to kill. And that need is neverending.”
It breaks Jake’s heart to hear the pain in your voice and he can’t imagine what you’ve been dealing with the past two years. However, as much as it horrifies him, he also wants to know more. “Wh-what does it feel like?”
You turn to gaze into the darkness surrounding you. “It’s like acid in my veins, a constant burning fire in my gut that only grows stronger if it’s not satisfied. Blood’s the only thing that soothes the pain for even a few hours, but it’s never enough. I’ve tried to stop myself, I have, but each time I drink it gets hard to fight. And with every life I take, I feel a little more of myself slip away. I’m not the woman you loved anymore, Jake. I’m just a monster with her face.”
Jake shakes his head with a firm set in his jaw. “No. I don't believe that. It's still you. Why else would you have looked for me? The woman I love is still here and she needed to see me just as much as I needed to see her.”
“Jake–” 
“And I don’t care what you think.” Without hesitation, Jake crosses the remainder of his little haven of sunlight and steps forward to join you in the inky darkness. You cower back again but he takes another step to maintain the same distance between you. “You're not going to hurt me. I know that. Because you're so strong and brave and you can fight this–”
“It’s not that simple—”
“Yes, it is.”
“Jake, stop—”
“No. Not until you believe that—”
“I've killed Daggers.”
Your admission hangs like a dense fog between you. Obviously, Jake had realized what being turned into a creature meant for your feeding habits, but he had been trying not to focus on that. However, now faced with the truth, Jake suddenly connects a few horrifying dots in his head. 
He swallows before asking, “Coyote?”
Last year, he had gotten there just a moment too late. There was nothing he could do but watch as what was left of his best friend was ripped apart by a mass of creatures. But then, just for a second before Fanboy grabbed his arm and pulled him away, he caught a flash of one of the creatures and he could have sworn…
Your eyes widen, clearly not expecting him to know that, but you nod slightly. Then, in a small voice, say, “And Rooster.”
“Roo….Rooster?” The truth about Coyote had been painful, yet regardless of who killed him, Jake had come to terms with his best friend’s death months ago. But Rooster…
He had left the group a few weeks ago after hearing a rumor of someone sounding suspiciously similar to his godfather leading another group out in the desert. They all knew it was dangerous but if anyone could make it, it would have been Rooster. Yet if what you said was true…
“I never wanted you to find out.” Tears begin to stream down your cheeks, thick, black goo that leaves streaks in their wake. “I tried to stop myself but I couldn't. Coyote was already being attacked when I found him and the blood…this thing took over. And the worst part was he…he recognized me just before I tore his throat out. There was this mix of elation I was ‘alive’ and horror at what I had become. I still see it when I close my eyes. With Rooster it was different. I was alone when I found him. We’ve been starving since you found a way to destroy us and I needed blood so badly. He was dead before he even knew I was there.”
This newest revelation is the last straw for Jake. A man can only process so much trauma at once before he reaches his breaking point. Falling to his knees, he hangs his head, tears dripping off his face onto the dusty tile beneath him as his shoulders shake with stifled sobs. 
“Jake…I…” Your voice is brimming with tears as Jake sees your feet take one hesitant step closer to him. But then, you stop. 
For a moment, there is only the sound of his soft cries echoing through the empty space. However, when you finally speak again, your voice has more of the defiance and strength he loves most about you. “You don’t understand what it’s like. When I slip into a frenzy, nothing in this world exists except for blood. Faces…names…past relationships…none of it means anything at that moment. All that’s left is the pure animalistic need to feed. It’s only after I’ve been sated that I come back, that I can remember what happened or what I did. Standing over what’s left of a person, realizing I’m to blame, knowing I’ve murdered them or I’ve forced them to become a monster just like me. I couldn’t stop myself from killing Coyote and Rooster, but I made sure neither of them could turn. They may not have deserved their deaths, but more than that, they didn’t deserve this afterlife. It was the least I could do for them. And I’m sorry it wasn’t more.”
You fall silent again, but Jake just continues to cry with no acknowledgment of what you said. After a moment of this, you plead, “Jake, talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. If you want me to go—” 
“Please…” Jake breathes, the weight of the past two years pressing down on him. “Please let me hold you.”
“W-what?” Based on the utter shock in your voice, that is not what you were expecting him to say.
It takes everything in him, but Jake lifts his eyes so they meet yours. “Baby, I need you in my arms again. To feel you, touch you, prove this is real. I have dreamed about you every night for two years. Horrible, bloody nightmares that have destroyed my life. I need you to chase those nightmares away.”
“Jake, have you not heard a word I’ve said? I’ve killed our friends and I’ll kill you too. Or worse, I’ll turn you.”
“I want you to,” he whispers.
“Jake!” Normally when discussions became this heated between you and you resorted to that sharp tone, your chest would be heaving as you became worked up. Yet this time, your heart isn’t beating and your lungs aren’t huffing air so it remains deathly still. “I can’t do that to you. I won’t condemn you to this life.”
“Please…” Jake sobs loudly, too emotionally and mentally drained to get to his feet and walk to you. “I can’t live without you anymore. I need us to be together, whatever that looks like.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“You’ve made it pretty clear. But I’m willing to bear the pain, the…the consequences of this choice if it means I can be with you. So, please, don’t make me spend one more second without you. Either kill me or turn me, but I can’t do this anymore.”
You stare at him for a long time, your darkened eyes not giving any hint as to what you are thinking. Then, slowly, you nod. “I don’t want to kill you or turn you, but I need you too. I think…I think I always knew when I came here that this is how it would go and I’m so sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay away.”
“I’m so glad you didn’t.” Jake opens his arms, still kneeling on the floor. “Come here, baby.”
With stilted, hesitant steps, you begin to walk towards him. You balk a little as you get closer, fighting against the instinct to avoid the sunlight, but Jake is far enough in the shadows that you can reach him without crossing into the light. Slowly, you lower yourself to your knees in front of him and reach out. 
Jake can’t wait any longer. He grabs your hand and pulls you into his chest, squeezing you as tightly as he possibly can. Your skin is icy beneath his touch, but he doesn’t care. He’s holding you in his arms again and nothing else in the world matters. 
However, you apparently don’t share the same outlook. Your entire body goes rigid beneath him, every muscle tensing as he draws you in. He can feel you begin to tremble as an animalistic growl rumbles in your chest.
“Ja—I can’t—Let me go. Don’t wanna hurt—” You manage to choke the words out through a clamped-shut jaw. As your eyes turn completely black, your teeth begin to grow longer until they resemble true fangs. Several poke through your lips as you press your mouth firmly closed. You are still trying to save him despite everything.
Squeezing you tighter, Jake mutters, “No. It’s okay, baby. I want this. Just let go.”
“I’m sorry,” you whisper, black tears falling on his chest. “I’ll be as gentle as I can.”
And you sink your fangs into his neck.
Living up to your promise, there is only a small sting as your teeth break his skin. However, in seconds, your venom enters his bloodstream and Jake tries to jerk away from the searing pain. However, your clawed hand clamps firmly on his shoulder, forcing him to remain in place. The venom spreads throughout his system until every cell in his body is screaming out in agony. He wants to black out but his body won’t let him. The change is already occurring and he is being forced to be conscious for every last second of his human life.
As you drink, small sounds begin slipping out between your lips, reverberating against Jake’s skin. Soft moans and gasps that have Jake flashing back to all those times you were beneath him as he drove you closer and closer to the edge. And for just a second, he can bear the pain knowing he is giving you some semblance of pleasure.
However as a vice of white-hot agony squeezes around his lungs and heart, Jake begins to jerk in your grasp as he begins to suffocate. Feeling his distress, you slide your teeth out of his neck and press your blood-soaked lips to the wound. Running your hand through his hair, you coo, “It’s okay, baby. It’s almost over now. I can already taste the change beginning in your blood. But this next part is the worst. Fighting it just makes it harder. Try to relax and let it happen. And I’m right here, my love, forever.” Then you sink your teeth back into his neck.
The choking suffocating feeling only intensifies, but against every self-preservation instinct in Jake’s body, he tries to listen to your advice and just gives in. Closing his eyes, he begins to slip into a sort of meditative state. While the pain or pressure doesn’t lessen, the panic and tension ease slightly. And even once he feels his heart take its last beat and his lungs go still, he tries to remain in this headspace until you are finished.
He isn’t sure how long he is kneeling there before—
“No…”
Jake picks up the soft sound as it is breathed across the empty warehouse, his ears already tuning into sounds humans shouldn’t be able to hear. His eyes flutter open and just over your shoulder, he can see Bob and Phoenix bathed in sunlight standing at the entrance to the building. Bob has tears in his eyes, his lips whispering your name in horror as he watches the growing gory mess you are making of Jake’s neck. He glances back and forth between Jake and Phoenix, silently pleading with her to find a way to fix this.
But Phoenix just stares at the pair of reunited lovers, her jaw set tightly. And Jake knows she understands. Phoenix always understands. 
Jake is weak from blood loss and pain, but he manages the slightest of nods. Lifting two fingers to her forehead, Phoenix gives Jake a small salute in return.
Then she raises her flashlight.
As the beam of light strikes your shoulder, your mouth instantly disappears from Jake’s throat with an agonized hiss as you try to flee from the pain. But using what strength he has left, Jake holds you in place. 
The betrayal on your face as you turn to look at him almost outweighs the pain. Jake knows you must think this was a trick, that he must have been stalling you all along just for this moment. Yet, he had meant every word he said.
Smiling as every cell in his body begins to burn differently from before, he whispers, “Together.” And he holds up his hand which is cracking and disintegrating in the light just like yours.
Though still pained, your face softens as you realize what he is doing. Transformation or death, those had been his choices. However, it turns out it wasn’t an “or” but an “and”.
Reaching out, you link your fingers with his, your skin flaky and fragile in his grasp. You snuggle your head against the unbitten crook of his neck, whimpering slightly as the light does its job, and you whisper back, “Together.”
Jake wraps his other arm around you and holds you close, silently vowing to never let go again.
The last thing he sees before his world slips away is the strangely beautiful swirl of particles of your two disintegrating bodies intermingling in the beam of sunlight. 
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Taglist: @ohtobeleah, @green-socks, @lorecraft, @heart-0n-fire, @mayhem24-7forever,
@blue-aconite, @the-untamed-soul, @inglourious-imagines, @airhogger, @piscesvancouverite,
@straightforwardly, @bonnieelizabethparker, @srry-itshockeyszn, @flyinlove, @fandomhopped,
@yjwnoot, @wanderdreamer, @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy, @callsign-phoenix, @shanimallina87,
@forever-sleepy-sloth, @notroosterbradshaw, @dezthegeek, @blessupblessup, @cherrycola27,
@phoenix1389, @nicangelinee, @smells-like-perfect-senses, @boringusername3, @petlaufeyson,
@cycbaby, @footprintsinthesxnd, @fantasticcopeaglepasta, @writercole, @onebigfangirlworld,
@wkndwlff, @ravenmoore14, @clancycucumber230, @slightly-psycho-multifan, @kmc1989,
@deppresseddyslexic, @horneybeach1, @mandylove1000, @aczhang777, @lovelyy-moonlight
@winterassassin1804, @seresinhangmanjake, @seitmai
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sesamenom · 6 months ago
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more of Mae's adventures in Castle Dracula
aka: Maedhros used Punch! It's super effective!
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hyohaehyuk · 2 months ago
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He got affairzoned (x)
The video interview is called Jacob Anderson and Sam Reid share all of the details on their series Interview With The Vampire S2 - People Interview
So in the interview they ask them what they would do in a day off and Jacob mentioned that spending his day off with his wife and kid is his happy place and Sam reaction just broke my heart.
Sam was trying so hard to have a normal reaction but I think he had a reality check and either he realized he was the mistress or that jacob is not interested on him at all romantically.
Like, call me delulu how much you want it but i bet any other cast member wouldn't even had bat an eye at Jacob' answear but Sam was clearly affected and couldn't keep a poker face (dude you are an actor. Do smth 😭).
To be frank i dont know if at that time they was aware of each other feelings (i dont even know if they are now) but if they was, then Jacob was really cruel answering that question in front of Sam*, especially bc in the previous one, about what it would be their last meal, Sam said the one he had in Prague with Jacob every single night and a bit later Sam even admitted he didn't liked the food which just meant what he liked was the company. Jacob, honey, read f*cking the room
*i dont know, he could just have said something more simplified with the same meaning, like "spending time with family and friends".
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fairytalehag · 5 months ago
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i relate to armand because i, too, handle nervous breakdowns with bite
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vampiricsheep · 4 months ago
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silly art ONLY tonight
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konakoro · 4 months ago
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I'll come back to playing Dead By Daylight if any of these characters get added as IP Killers
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apeirotilio · 6 months ago
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this is NOT how i wanted to get the bloodless condition
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angheliic · 25 days ago
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Juno bites him first. >:)
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❝Oh noooooo.❞
A monotone "cry" coming from him as he's bitten, truly unbothered- and maybe even enjoying it a little bit??
❝Whatever will I do? The fearsome vampire brought so low.❞
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slythernnn · 7 months ago
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He’s a biter 😈
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tofiam · 9 months ago
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I have crippling anxiety and panic attacks from inevitability of dying, so if any vampire is reading this... you know... I've never liked garlic and sunlight anyway.
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favorite-lie · 1 year ago
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IM SO UPSET ABOUT THE ARTFIGHT THEME that was picked up I just need to rant a little bit, I will probably delete this later, I really just need to be mad and upset for a little bit
just a lil heads up, I am glad to see so much people enjoy the theme, it's very cool and if you like it too that is wonderful!! and in the end of the day whatever the theme is isn't much of a deal but I'm just mad about it I'm sorry give me a few minuets
like, in my opinion, it's the lamest thing of anything that could've been picked up, and not only that, it is a VERY specific topic, I'm just not comfortable with how it includes only specifically vampires and werewolves. as an example, you could have shapeshifters instead of werewolves, which would be a wider topic that is just more interesting, and it would also include the werewolves! instead of just making it werewolves and cutting off literally anything else
and how it's vampires versus werewolves. like it's. what's the battle here? it feels as if slightly related things were picked up and put together, I don't feel the "versus" like in previous themes
and how we had other in my opinion better themes such as "destruction vs creation" or "time vs space", they just sound so damn COOL and memorable, like a thing I'd remember because it was so damn cool and awesome. but now here I have, out of all things, vampires vs werewolves. like as if someone ran out of ideas and just released something that came to mind first (I know there was a poll, and that theme won because most people voted for that theme, but it just still feels like a first-second idea that was picked up since nothing else came to mind, if that makes sense)
I know in the end of the day it doesn't matter and is just a silly little thing most people are happy about, I'm just bummed about the fact that I gotta pick up between anime edgelords and furries instead of like silly mushroom and smol leaf, I just don't feel comfortable being pushed into those specific topics I'm not even interested in at all
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a-reader-and-a-writer · 8 months ago
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Drink With Me (Part 1)
Fandom: Top Gun, Top Gun: Maverick, Jake "Hangman" Seresin, f!reader, Vampire Apocalypse AU Summary: In the middle of a vampire apocalypse, no one is safe. But when an unexpected storm interrupts your separate scavenger missions, there is nothing he can do but wait and hope you make it back to his arms safe and sound. Word Count: 3631 TW: Blood, Vampires, Vampire Attack, Character Death, Helplessness, Biting, Clawing, Language Notes: Written for day 4 of @whumpthemusical's event for "Failure" from Les Miserables. And big thanks to @sunlightmurdock for reading this over for me! 💗
Series Masterlist
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The deep rumble of thunder echoes like an alarm for those inside the store. Instantly, all three scavengers stuff whatever supplies they are holding into their various bags and bolt for the door.
Jake reaches it first and unwraps the metal chain twisted around the handle, dropping it with a clattering thud just as Phoenix and Rooster arrive. Throwing the door open with a bang, the sight that greets them makes their blood run cold and Jake nearly drops the overflowing paper bag in his arms.
“Fuck…”
Though they have only been inside for twenty minutes or so, the world outside has transformed. Gone are the splashes of blue sky peering out from between billowing pale gray clouds, and the shimmers of warm, sunshine beams through the trees. Instead, the sky has been invaded by black, menacing clouds that stretch as far as the eye can see, casting an infinite shadow across the parking lot filled with abandoned cars and shopping carts as another roll of thunder signals the imminent downpour.
It means they will be on their way.
“Go!” Rooster urges, dropping one of the value-sized packages of toilet paper he has stuffed under his arm so he is free to dig through his pocket. “I’ve got the door.”
Phoenix doesn’t need to be told twice and she darts out into the growing storm. Jake, on the other hand, hesitates for just a second before shifting the supplies in his already overloaded arms and grabbing the package of toilet paper. Rooster meets his eye just as he pulls out a shiny gold key, and Jake yells, “Don’t wait around this time. Move your ass!” and then takes off after Phoenix.
He only makes it to the edge of the parking lot before the first drops of rain begin to hit him. Big, fat, plops of water burst across his skin, becoming more frequent by the second. As he reaches the end of the street, Jake finds himself and his belongings soaked through, the water causing his already heavy bags to sag with the added weight. He’s only a few blocks from the church but with the dense clouds blocking all afternoon light from getting through, the potential danger makes that distance seem impossible. 
Keeping his head on a constant swivel, he runs as quickly as his legs will allow with his extra cargo. The additional weight isn’t the only problem. With the bulky layers of backpacks, armful of paper bags, and the slippery packaging of the toilet paper wedged under his arm, he has to keep adjusting everything as he runs so he doesn’t drop anything. It’s a delicate balance of step–shift���adjust strap–wipe rain from his eyes–step–look around–shrug backpack up arm–step, but Jake eventually finds the perfect rhythm. After all, this isn’t his first rodeo.
The shadows taunt and tease him as he rushes by. He can’t be sure if something is hiding within them or if it’s just his paranoid eyes projecting his deepest fears. Though honestly, it doesn’t matter. Even if something is lurking in the darkness, his only hope is the safety of the church so he ignores everything around him and keeps running as another booming clap of thunder fills the air.
In about six minutes that feel like an eternity, Jake begins to make out the dim lanterns shining through the stained glass windows up ahead through the pouring rain. It almost seems too good to be true that nothing has leaped out at him in the darkness, and he just hopes that doesn’t mean they are preoccupied with someone else.
Slipping slightly in a puddle in the middle of the road, he rushes through the iron fence surrounding the church and scampers up the front steps. Using the heel of his boot, he kicks the door twice and it opens almost immediately. Practically falling through the door, Jake mutters a small thanks to Payback who slaps one of his backpacks as he passes. A few other people are moving around the small vestibule but he doesn’t see the one he is looking for.
Fanboy comes over to help him unstrap the bags hanging off of him and it is a relief once all the extra weight has been removed. Rolling his shoulders as water drips off of him onto the carpet below, Jake looks around in the dim lamplight and notices Bob handing Phoenix a towel as she strips off her water-logged jacket. She accepts it and as she begins drying off, she catches Jake’s eye. The two nod, before her eyes drift down to the toilet paper Jake had dropped at his feet.
“Rooster?”
Jake shrugs. “He had to lock up but he should be right behind me.” The door to the church burst open. “Speak of the devil…”
Rooster hurries into the dim space, shaking his head like a dog and sending water spraying in all directions. When he sees Jake and Phoenix staring at him, he asks, “All good?”
“I’m always good,” Jake smirks. He kicks the package of toilet paper so it skids across the floor to rest at Rooster’s feet. “And that’s on top of picking up your slack.”
Rooster’s eyes narrow. “I didn’t ask you to do that. I could have handled it on my own.” Pushing past Jake, he approaches Phoenix. “Any sign of trouble?”
She shakes her head. “We got lucky this time. We were sloppy. We should have noticed this storm moving in long before it got here. They could have snuck into the store and gotten us before we even knew they had come out of their holes. We need to do better or someone’s going to end up dead.”
He sighs as he wipes his hand over his face, knocking the water droplets clinging to his mustache to the floor. “I know, that’s on me. We shoulda had one of us guarding the door as a lookout but it was the middle of the day and decent weather I didn’t think…Next time we’ll do it by the book.” He takes one of the fresh towels Bob offers him. “Anyone else come back yet?”
“No, but the pharmacy’s farther away. They should be back soon.” 
Jake is grateful Rooster only nods and doesn’t state the obvious. The pharmacy and gas station might be farther from the church than the supermarket, but only by a block or two. The other team must have heard the thunder too and even with the extra distance, there should be some sign of them by now.
He never should have let you convince him to let you go without him.
Over the last few days, an illness has been sweeping through the church. While most of the adults who got it seemed to be fighting it off relatively well so far, the children were not as lucky. None of them showed any signs of getting better, and last night, the first of them had succumbed to it. The only hope was to try and find something to treat them but that meant an extra supply run.
You had been pre-med before the creatures arrived last year and, while no expert, you had the most medical knowledge of anyone in the group. Having you be the one to go to the pharmacy was the obvious choice. And since Coyote had been spending the last few weeks in the garage next door trying to fix some of the equipment that might help them get power again, it was clear he should be the other runner so he could continue working while you searched. Which left Jake without a valid excuse for why he should go. 
The group was also running low on food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, and pretty much everything else so they needed the extra hands at the supermarket and Jake was one of their best runners—the perfect combination of speed and strength. You had spent all morning trying to reassure him it would be okay and you’d be back together before he knew it, but it did little to lessen the dread that settled in his stomach as he watched you hurry in the opposite direction, casting one last glance back at him with a smile and a wink.
What if that was the last time he ever saw you?
The roar of thunder suddenly gets louder as the door to the church swings forward once again and Coyote stumbles in. He is soaking wet and panting heavily as he struggles to catch his breath. However, the only thing Jake notices in that moment, is that he is alone.
Coyote barely has time to remove his backpack before Jake grabs him by the front of his jacket and throws him against the wall. Terror and anger coursing through him, he snarls in his best friend’s face, “Where is she? Where the fuck is she!” 
“She’s coming! Damn, man,” Coyote yells as he shoves Jake off of him. Jake stumbles back, and Rooster places his hand on his arm, not really holding him back but the warning is clear. Seeing the desperation on Jake’s face, Coyote softens as he straightens his jacket. “I tried, but you know her. She wasn’t gonna leave without that medicine.”
“Then you should have waited for her! You shouldn’t have left her alone!”
“You know she wouldn’t let me do that either.”
“....Fuck!”
Jake yanks his arm away from Rooster’s grasp and begins pacing anxiously back and forth. He knows Coyote is right. You would lay down your life for any person here, but you’d be damned if you let someone do the same for you. At the first sign of trouble, you would have insisted Coyote returned to the church, probably swearing you just needed one more thing even if you had only just begun searching. Jake would have thrown you over his shoulder and carried you out kicking and pleading to let you get what you were looking for, but he couldn’t expect his friend to do the same. 
“She’s going to be okay, Hangman,” Rooster says, still eyeing him cautiously in case he needs to restrain Jake. “She knows how to handle herself.”
“Handle herself? There is no handling yourself against a horde of those things,” Jake spits at him as he continues to pace. “She could already be dead o-or turned by now and we would never know. She’d just be gone for good and we’d never…I’d never…Ahhh!”
As he screams, Jake whirls around and slams his fist into the wall before slumping into it, all his rage absorbed into the wood leaving nothing but his fear and hopelessness behind. The room has fallen silent around him but he can feel every eye on him. He shouldn’t have lost it, but he’s never felt this helpless. Even when the creatures first showed up, he knew there were ways to fight back, to stand up against them. But as long as you were separated from him, there is nothing he can do but sit here and wait. 
After a moment, Jake feels a hand gently grasp his shoulder and squeeze it. “She’ll be okay,” Rooster says. “Why don’t you go wait outside and be a lookout for her? I’m sure she’ll appreciate seeing you made it back safely too when she gets here.”
Jake nods slowly before pushing himself off the wall and shuffling towards the door. As he passes Coyote, his friend tries to reach out, his mouth opening but Jake shoots him a look that makes him close it without a word. Jake doesn’t really blame Coyote for leaving without you, but he’s just not in a place to hear an apology or give one of his own. So he keeps going until he slips out of the church.
Outside, there is a slight overhang that protects him from the worst of the storm, but he can still feel rain misting his skin as it is blown by the rain. Another roll of thunder rumbles overhead, shaking the steps beneath his feet. The storm has only intensified since they first heard it back in the supermarket, and there is no sign of it letting up anytime soon. Which means more of a chance they have come out to hunt.
Squinting through the darkness for any sign of you, Jake chants to himself, Come on, baby, come on, baby. Where are you? You got this, just please come back to me.
Suddenly, a slight flash of movement off to his left catches his eye. Through the faint light and the rain, he can just make out a shape hurtling towards the church at top speed. When it gets closer, Jake sags against the door as he recognizes the white t-shirt with his flannel pulled over it. You are still several hundred yards away but you are closing fast despite the several backpacks strapped to you and the pouring rain pelting your body.  
But then Jake’s blood runs cold as he notices five—no six!—shadows right on your heels. They had finally arrived.
No one ever used the term “vampires” even though everyone thought it. With the creatures’ fatal reaction to the sunlight, ravenous taste for blood, aversion to holy ground, and ability to transform humans into other creatures through their bites, it was hard to categorize them as anything else. Maybe everyone avoided the term because they had been so desensitized by the onslaught of movies and television shows with their lame depictions or cheesy interpretations of vampires that the word no longer captured the true horror of the creatures terrorizing their lives. But whatever the reason, they have always only been called “the creatures” since mysteriously appearing just over a year ago. 
At times, they can look just like they did when they were still human. There have even been instances when they held conversations with their prey before attacking. However, once their attack begins, it is a completely different story. With their unnatural speed and the spine-chilling hisses and growls that they make as they chase their prey, it is clear that whatever humanity they once had has long been twisted into something monstrous. And if you were unfortunate enough to get a closer look—which Jake had on a few harrowing occasions—the differences became blatantly clear. Their eyes were nothing more than black gaping voids; they had a set of daggers for teeth, each as pointed and deadly as the last; and their fingernails were several inches long and sharpened into ferocious claws that could rip skin from bone. All of it added up to things of nightmares, creatures of the night whose only goal in life was to kill and devour the living around them. 
And right now, they have their sights set on you.
Jake takes a step forward to the edge of the steps, clutching the railing until his knuckles turn white. Even if there is something he can do to stop the creatures, you are still too far away. Your only hope is to make it to the safety of the church before they can reach you but they are closing fast.
The creature closest to you pounces forward and Jake yells out a warning he knows you cannot hear above the storm. However, in one fluid motion, you whirl around and swing the backpack clutched in your hand directly into its head before completing your 360° turn and continuing running at full speed.
Jake whoops in relieved exhilaration.“Fuck yeah!”
At this distance, he can just make out the smug smile that spreads across your face, reveling in your own badassery. God, he can’t wait to wrap you in his arms and squeeze you so tight and never let go. There had been some very close calls in the past, but today might take the cake. However, if he has his way, you’ll never leave his sight again. 
Jake can tell the exact moment you notice him—your head perks up slightly and the smugness in your smile shifts into relief. Even while in the middle of running for your life, you have still managed to worry about him. Jake gives you two thumbs up and urges you on, waiting for you to cross the last street before you are in the clear.
But then the unthinkable happens. As you are just about to reach the gate of the church, you trip.
Jake can’t be sure if the heavy downpour blinded you or if your sneaker slipped in one of the fresh puddles. All he could see is one moment, you are about to fling yourself into the safety of his arms, and the next, you are skidding across the concrete on your hands and knees before rolling to a stop against the curb. 
The blood oozing from your fresh scrapes swirls within the puddles as you quickly try to push yourself to your feet, but it’s too late. As you begin to rise, one of the creatures hisses and leaps forward, landing on your back and tackling you to the ground. In a flash, two, three, four more have joined it, each digging their claws into your skin or baring their teeth as they go in for their deadly bite. You are pinned down under the weight of them, and though you continue to fight for freedom, the agony and terror filling your screams make it clear it’s a losing battle. 
Although it seems as if everything since your fall has played out in slow motion, it has only taken seconds in which Jake has been frozen in horrified disbelief. But finally snapping to, Jake launches himself towards the mass of teeth and claws that had descended onto your defenseless form as he screams, “No….No!” 
But before he can get more than two steps down the stairs, half a dozen hands wrap around him from behind and draw him back into the doorway of the church. Jake flails and fights with everything in him, but even he’s no match for the combined forces of Rooster, Coyote, and Payback holding him back as he watches more creatures swarming towards you.
“Get the fuck off of me! We need to help her! No! What the fuck are you doing?” 
Jake throws his head back and feels it make contact with someone else’s face. With a grunt, one set of hands loosens their grip on him and Jake tries to use this one chance to slip away to your aid. 
However before he can, an arm wraps across Jake’s chest, locking him into a tight bear hug. Drawing Jake’s struggling body into his, Rooster murmurs in his ear, “She’s gone, Hangman. I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing else anyone can do for her now. It’s over.”
All Jake can do is watch helplessly as he witnesses the truth of Rooster’s words.
Although the creatures had ripped into you with their claws, so far all attempts to bite you have been blocked by one of the bags strapped to your back or hanging off your arms. However, the creature with its knee pressed between your shoulder blades seems to have discovered the trick. It leans over and, with a loud hiss, sinks its teeth into the meat of your shoulder just avoiding the backpack straps. You howl in pain as your back arches up, and the creature releases its hold for just a moment. Long enough for Jake to spot the dark, thick blood dripping from its mouth. Then with another snarl, it bites down again.
The metallic smell of so much blood seems to renew the other creatures’ determination to feed on you and they begin clawing at the backpacks, ripping them apart at the seams until they can toss the shreds aside and reach you. Medicine and supplies crash to the ground, either shattering on impact or getting smashed underfoot as the creatures continue to fight over your body. One-by-one more and more sets of teeth sink into your skin and with each one, another heartbreaking scream tears from your lips. 
Jake has gone almost limp in his friends’ arms, unable to tear his eyes off the horror show before him. Blood, washed away by the falling rain, seeps into the puddles surrounding you, a red river running down the street. Yet even now, he can see you are continuing to fight, to try to free yourself from the creatures eating you alive. 
But then Jake realizes something. You aren’t trying to get free. Or at least, you’re not trying to free all of you. As he watches, you manage to pull your arm from under one of the creatures and wrap your bloody fingers around the backpack you had been carrying in your hand as you fled. It was the only one that was still relatively in one piece. 
Taking a few quick breaths, you flick your wrist and the backpack tumbles softly out of the way of the creatures and stops just inside the iron gate of the church. Seeing it successfully land within the sacred ground, all the fight goes out of you and you collapse weakly to the ground while more creatures swarm over you. 
Jake had thought nothing else could be worse than listening to your wails of pain, and yet, hearing them grow weaker and less coherent as the venom floods your system and your blood is drained from your body is a whole other level of torture. Then, as yet another pair of fangs pierce your skin, your teary eyes slowly lift and meet Jake’s. The world seems to freeze for just a moment, and he watches your bloody lips softly form his name. 
But before he can react, Rooster, Coyote, and Payback yank him inside the church just before Bob slams the door, and you are gone.
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Part 2 coming soon!
Taglist: @green-socks, @lorecraft, @heart-0n-fire, @mayhem24-7forever, @the-untamed-soul, @inglourious-imagines, @airhogger, @piscesvancouverite, @straightforwardly, @bonnieelizabethparker, @srry-itshockeyszn, @flyinlove, @fandomhopped, @yjwnoot, @wanderdreamer, @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy, @callsign-phoenix, @shanimallina87, @forever-sleepy-sloth, @blue-aconite, @notroosterbradshaw, @dezthegeek, @blessupblessup, @cherrycola27, @phoenix1389, @nicangelinee, @smells-like-perfect-senses, @boringusername3, @petlaufeyson, @cycbaby, @topguncortez, @footprintsinthesxnd, @fantasticcopeaglepasta, @writercole, @onebigfangirlworld, @wkndwlff, @ravenmoore14, @clancycucumber230, @mamachasesmayhem, @slightly-psycho-multifan, @kmc1989, @ohtobeleah, @deppresseddyslexic, @horneybeach1, @mandylove1000, @aczhang777
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chryzuree · 1 year ago
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chrysi&azure!!!!!
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cuntvonkrolock · 2 years ago
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i hate how (at least where i live) nobody has really moved past the whole "making fun of goth kids" era. i can't dress how i want or talk about my interests without people making snide jokes at my expense and it sucks ://
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