#a shameful ep indeed

[chrisodonline]

I didn't "liveblog" the last ep because...it didn't feel livebloggable. I mean, it did. But it would have just been nothing but grousing, and I'm sure that would've gotten redundant.

The whole ep should've hit more emotionally, but the dialogue was painful in spots. And people were overselling it, making the hokiness so much more obvious. I get these were newer writers, but I also know enough about TV writers' rooms to know there is collaboration in every single episode. I...whatever. The Sam/Kam scenes were THE most (only) solid bits.

And I do not know who the hell was at the wedding planner because I don't know the two people that I saw, especially the one so obsessed with security and not wanting this stranger to call him by his first name yet totally throws caution to the wind and is comfortable making out in a public place. Near the windows.

The only thing I can figure is that Anna was being really weird, and Callen -- already notably on edge and still in work mode -- clocks this and is too weirded out to play along. You could tell he was starting to try, and then Anna was just SO extra he just wanted to poke holes in the persona she was putting on because he didn't get why she was being like this. And I didn't either.

Continuing on the "only thing I can figure" with Anna, is the fact that she's mentioned before about wanting to go full on "normal life." Or what she thinks is "normal" -- seen in magazines, Instagram, etc. She can't completely get out of it as we've seen; she still wants to do something adjacent. But she hangs onto the "normal" because she could only dream about it as an adult. She feels like she missed out on getting to be one of those little girls who dreams about your wedding day and grown up house because she was too busy being Black Widowed, er, Noble Maiden-ed. And the "normalness" she's seeking is so opposite of what she's done or had in the past for that very reason. Yes, the drama and spy jobs were how she met Callen. But it was also consistently what kept them apart time after time. After "Down the Rabbit Hole," I think she really, really was like, "I could lose him" and was so grateful she didn't. She wants to touch the normal that doesn't involve this kind of thing that could keep them apart...permanently.

And Fatima accidentally hits on this. She's frustrated with Callen, and hey, he got to come and have family dinner. She wanted to repay the favor, or so she thought, by helping Anna out with the wedding to give her a decent partner. But Fatima is all Beverly Hills. She's Hollywood. She's the Instagram wedding type. She makes the mistake of selling all this as normal to Anna, and talking about how this is that one special day when you get to just go full-on fancy -- and that's what everyone does! So Anna starts to adopt all of these behaviors, and she wants to play this part. She would NEVER truly allow Arkady to officiate (even if we, the audience, bribed her heavily). But doesn't it sound super sweet and touching to tell the froufrou wedding planner that her father wants to officiate? And the wedding planner reacts just as she thought she would.

Callen's facial reactions the whole time (and well done, COD on this) were such a mix of confusion that gradually started to turn into annoyance. He was not told they were playing this game, a game he really doesn't want to play. And I think he's trying to mess with her so she can see how ridiculous this all is -- at least for her to try to be this person.

So when he starts joking about this entire thing he thinks is a joke, a sitcom that he's watching, and grabs the piece of paper from her she at first replies like a high school girl. And then the minute she lets the aggressive part comes out that has been annoyed for separate reasons with him and trying to be perfectly pleasant in front of the wedding planner, a.k.a. Harbinger of Normalcy, it's the real Anna at the surface. The feisty one that Callen knows is the real her. And once the facade was broken, it was REALLY broken. And Callen was just so relieved that she was "back," he was like, "I guess she's on top of me now, so we might as well make out if this stops us from having to do that dumbass quiz." And then they have to run home. And this whole dumb d-story better not have been done because they needed a way to set up Anna getting accidentally pregnant because they were a little too impulsive that day.

Anyway, this comes after what we got of their relationship in the early part of the season, super healthy conversations that made them seem like the couple the writers always intended them to be -- and not what we had really seen. So, yes, extra frustrating.

But who cares, right?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Not me. Clearly. That's for sure.

[florenzzis]

feel like pure shit just want him back 💔

[cecilysass]

Undercover Smolder Mulder: Pine Bluff Variant Fic Recs

I'd describe Pine Bluff Variant as a low key fan favorite, an episode that I even feel like appreciation has grown for over the years. Oh sure, it doesn’t get the fan love that a Memento Mori or Pusher might, but we sure do see those Mulder Scully intense looks gifs popping up pretty often, right? Plus, it has partner trust angst, undercover intrigue, hurt/comfort, genuine thriller-style suspense, and serious MSR overtones.

I like PBV for all of those reasons obviously, but also because it feels like the show going with a slightly different tone. Starting from its action-based, FBI operation cold open, we know this is more conspiracy / bioterrorist thriller than classic X-file. Yes, there’s a sci fi component to the biotoxin--and the scenes that reveal its victims have a horror feel--but this episode just isn’t as much about the supernatural. It also raises the interesting--and nowadays more pointed--question: aren’t anti-government groups operating under their own rules sometimes potentially as dangerous as the government itself?

TXF tried several kinds of experiments in its later seasons, in production and structure of show (Triangle or X-Cops), in exploring all kinds of playful, self-aware and satirical comedy (lots of season 6, Hollywood A.D., etc.), in making drastic moves with its mytharc (One Son, Requiem, etc). Going in the direction of a more purely action-suspense thriller for a MOTW wasn’t something they ever tried again (that I can think of anyway). And I think that's kind of a shame? It feels like a good change up. Different without messing too much with the show’s basic DNA.

Not to mention, y'all, Scully thinks he betrayed her! And there's the scene with the finger! And Mulder thinks he's going to die! There's so much good stuff here!

Here is a list of Pine Bluff Variant fic recs. (As usual, I really think there should be more. This episode has sooooo many openings. You should write some.)

Calling Bluffs - mangokiwitropicalswirl An angsty little post ep that doesn’t flinch from the way coming close to death affects Mulder (or Scully). It also raises the question of how much their bond always puts them at risk. Moving ending.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before - pinebluffvariant Immediately post ep, Scully protects Mulder. There is some satisfying hurt/comfort. But what really shines in this fic is the ending, which ties a nice bow on season 5 and kicks me in the feels. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, indeed: sniff.

Passing Solace - DarlaBlack An intensely romantic NC-17 scene set in the middle of the episode, focused on their deep care and need for one another. Beautifully written.

All of This (around) Us - secondsflat In this sweet fic they share whiskey before Scully sets his finger bone, and Scully voices her frustration at not knowing about his undercover work. An intimate, atmospheric little scene.

Snakebitten - onpaperfirst This is a riff on all of season 5 written with great skill and subtlety. So, so good. It’s canon divergent in that it seeds the Pine Bluff Variant / New Spartans storyline back earlier in the season—and it has more RST. Such a treat.

Postcards Slipped Under the Door - skuls Two years after Pine Bluff Variant, some time after the events of En Ami in season 7, Mulder begins receiving ominous postcards from the New Spartans, suggesting they have regrouped. Skinner and Scully think it’s too dangerous for him to get involved in the case again, so Scully goes instead. This is hard on Mulder, as they’re in a recently begun relationship. Angsty, plot-driven, satisfying.

[bronx-bomber87]

Hello my wonderful fandom family :) We're finally back to new eps. I wasn't ready for this episode in the least. Idk I was ever gonna be ready tbh. If this isn’t the most apt ep name ever following the last ep. Bare with me as I once again sort through my thoughts and such. I'm really struggling with the 'mini' portion of these reviews the last few eps.

Ain't nothing mini about my emotions haha But I am sure come summer they'll be more refined for sure. Also thank you to anyone who reads these thoughts and enjoys them. It's still a trip to me people appreciate my thoughts. I just want to be a ray of sunshine and positivity with these.

A source of comfort while we all go through this together. Cause that's the beauty of fandom. Going through it together. Once again wanna preface there will be ZERO tolerance for bashing of any kind. They are both going through it right now. We all love these characters so much its why we're on here. I love conversation and comments but not spreading hate. With that in mind let's start eh?

6x07 Crushed

Tamara moving out still..... Ugh. I’m so sad about this. Truly the end of an era right here everyone. Also Lucy not wearing her necklace gut punch already to my feels...Poor Lucy wants her to stay but would never ask Tamara to do that. I wanna cry already for Lucy....I hate her necklace being missing and it's very obvious it's missing. *sad sigh*

I do love Lucy taking Tamara out to fancy dinner least. Channeling her emotions into something positive. Wanting to love on her before she goes. Tamara mentioning Tim getting kicked out of Metro…She isn’t wrong it is down hill after the pinnacle of Lucy indeed. Trying to give her a compliment but Lucy isn't taking it that way. I wanna cry for a second time. She looks so distressed. *sigh* Two massive pillars in her life are now gone and it's felt in this brief moment.

Tim in his old Metro office disassembling it. My heart. You all know how much I loved him In Metro. Killing me. Also just shows how much of a nose dive he took after this Ray debacle. Grey seeing this and sighing before going in after him. Tim seems like he’s in robot mode when Wade enters. Saying all the things he thinks Grey wants to hear since he’s back. No real emotion behind it. Just the grunt mentality he thinks he should have.

Gonna be more than just his trust you’re gonna need to earn back my love….Love Wade having him to ride along with Dr. London. Anyone needs it our boy does right now. Of course Tim bites back on this idea why wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t be Tim if he didn’t. Tim saying breaking up with Lucy has nothing to do with the Ray situation. Uh... it has everything to do with that my love EVERYTHING.

Grey standing his ground saying if he wants to regain his trust this is where it starts. I love him saying breaking up with Lucy and being bounced back to patrol due to being reckless makes him question his judgement. As it should…You forget Timothy this man watched you grow with Lucy for years. Saw how much she made you grew and joy she brought out in you. Of course he is questioning your actions. He just watched you throw away the best thing ever that's ever happened to you. Your judgement is being judged severely....

I adore Wade Grey. He's not only putting Tim in his place and saying he could mandate therapy (which he would be justified in doing...) Or take the ride along. Then saying he’s taking Lucy out too. Just so he knows he is looking out for them both in this moment. The man knows what he is doing.

I can’t believe Smitty doing breakup odds. I’m incensed by this tbh. Also I want punch the dude who said Tim would’ve cheated. He would NEVER. How very dare you. I hate that list. It makes me wanna rage out so hard. If any of them knew them at all they’d know it would never be something like that. Also her and Aaron? Ewww no no no.... Lucy had every right to ream Smitty out more than she did. So inappropriate it's insane. For shame sir truly.

I'm glad she shut it down. Last thing they need is the station gossiping about them like this. They're going to anyways but Ugh I hate this whole thing. I feel sick. Of course she runs into Tim right after.... Worst timing ever. Breaks my heart because he still is excited to see her but she isn't ready for him. How could she be? He looks so sad. But Tim what are you expecting my love? No way she is ready to be near you let alone talk. This hurts to watch…Lucy trying so hard just not to have a meltdown right there in the station.

I was very excited for him to have this ride along I will say and this opening scene is why. Dr London on his ass already. I love it. As she should be. Saying he’s bringing Aaron as a buffer. Which he is… Classic avoidance attachment style. That’s our boy. She’s not wrong he prefers surface level relationships (other than Lucy...) to a deep intimacy. His default state with anyone who isn't his girl.

She has him dead to rights already. Saying it’s a defense mechanism when someone is raised by an overly strict or domineering parent. A father. She’s not wrong. We all know his history. Tim of course isn’t about this whatsoever only making her assessment about him even more valid. Their scenes starting off real strong.

Grey wanting to check in on Lucy I do love it. He’s not wrong she’s been through HELL this year. The detectives exam, Jeff Budney and now losing Tim. God this hasn’t been an easy season for her. To say she's going through it is the understatement of the century. I'm hurting for her so very much. Her entire world has been rocked to it's very core in the last week alone. Not mention everything else before this.

It’s so awkward Lucy inviting everyone but Tim to Tamara’s going away dinner…. In front of Dr. London too. That shot from Tim’s body cam seems very intentional. As he looks at everyone she’s inviting but him. Way his head goes back and forth. Grey patting Tim on the arm on the way out. *phew* Rough start to the shift.

Of course their first call is disturbingly close to what she and Tim are dealing with. Not exactly what Lucy needs. Hearing this woman talking about thinking he was the one then it just ended. *heart clutch* Crushed is an apt name for how I was feeling during this episode.

Lucy has clearly kept this all inside for too long with her reaction to the situation. Wade would never set you up like that. Just shows how hyper sensitive she is atm. Why he's doing this ride along with her. He wants to keep you sane not crazy. I wanna hug her so much. 'I do watch too much reality tv. It's my bad' Lmao. Needed a little levity. This made me chuckle.

We hit the ground running about breakups with Dr. London. Honestly no need to beat around the bush for this observation of Tim. ‘Breakups are a trigger for many men. Especially since stereotypical gender roles prevent them from seeking out help. For fear of appearing weak.’ If that isn’t Tim and this entire situation right now…

Hell that's his ENTIRE life. He was shamed into never wanting help and if he did he was meant to feel weak for it. Just like she is stating above. She is very good at her job and just getting started. Tim can't hide in any of his normal brush off statements. Which I love. She has him pegged already and it shows. Quite the opening jab from her to start this off.

Lucy looks on verge of tears at all times right now and I’m dying. Especially when Grey brings up his name. Asking if they’ve talked since the breakup? Melissa straight killing me in this shop right now everyone. Those pre tears.....Saying she thought he didn’t care about her personal life. He’s not wrong if it affects her job it does matter. The point of this ride-along. To gauge where she is currently.

‘Smart to make the connection between IA and them breaking up. ‘Just a bad week.’ Oh its so much more than that…. Lucy protects him of course with the unethical portion. Bad place or not she's not going to cast any suspicion with that. But It’s so very clear she is painfully unaware why he did this to her. To them.

Only that he’s not emotionally available to her. *sigh* This is true. The man is a disaster zone atm. I mean he’s definitely occupied mentally in a way she doesn’t understand yet. Hell I don’t even think Tim understands it really. All he knows is he think's he's toxic and she’s better off without him. Which is a huge part of this episode tbh.

So she isn't wrong he is not emotionally available right now. That much is painfully true. The joke about the Diamondbacks was funny but sad at the same time. They found good way of getting little funnies in there with Grey. I do appreciate that. I'm a sports girl so I this made me smile.

Dr London really coming at Tim in this next section. She is wasting ZERO time with him. ‘Lot of romantic feelings start out as platonic love.’ Going right for it when she says he and Lucy were friends first right? His reaction…Gonna makes me bawl Eric. Hurts to watch this. Looks like he wants to cry. Ugh Tim. Killing me softly. She is getting under his skin quicker than he was expecting and you can tell. Hitting at a very raw nerve he's trying to keep hidden. He looks so distraught and emotional when he replies 'I was her T.O.'

Tim saying he’s not depressed. Oh my love….but you are. Depressed and wracked with a massive amount of guilt. ‘I broke up with her.’ So so defensive. Can’t let good doctor see this whole thing is crushing him. That would be weakness. He is fighting off a panic attack in this moment. So unsettled by this entire interaction. She is picking up on that guilt that is all but exuding out of him in this moment.

She really brings it home saying internalizing guilt and shame leads to self directed anger. Self harm and suicide. If that isn't Tim Bradford my god. The self directed anger is him in spades. His face while she tells him all this.. Oh my lord. She has him dead to rights once again. He is experiencing so much guilt about it and it’s written all over his face. Tim is barely keeping it together while she is telling him stonewalling will only get him sidelined. Honestly I’m glad she’s confronting him like this. Coming at him so hard cause Tim needs that especially right now.

He can’t have passive people in this life when it comes to this kind of stuff. The one person who could knock sense into him he’s pushed away. So Dr. London being here is much needed. Of course Tim snaps at Aaron cause he can’t handle what he’s currently going through. Lashing out because what she is saying to him is true and he isn't able to handle it. Hitting very close to home. So he's defaulting back to S1 Tim in this moment. Destroying Aaron in the process..

I love them talking about Tamara and the unconditional love Lucy has shown her. It’s so true. It’s that love that gave her courage to leave. Even though it's hard to watch happen. It shows what accepting unconditional love can do for you. Lucy bringing back to Tim because how could she not? Mentioning about letting people go even if you really care about them them. *sigh*. You can tell she is on the verge of tears once again.

That feeling where you've been keeping it inside for far too long. It comes out in anything you talk about. Like right now in this moment. Even talking about Tamara is cycling back to Tim and it shows how deeply upset she is. How could she not be? She is losing two of her people in one fail swoop. It's a miracle she hadn't lost it sooner than this moment tbh.

Lucy crushing me some more in this episode. Further proving she has zero idea why Tim did what he did. How he could let go so easily. It was a blindside for us all but none more than for her. His person. The one who never ever expected him to leave her side. Tim did leave her with a cheap cliche nonsense about deserving better. It's so much complex than that but I can see why she is so angry about that. She deserved better than that.

It’s what upset her so much in that 6x06 scene. Because it felt like a cop out to her. When it’s so much deeper than that but Lucy doesn’t know that. Thats what killing me and her. Lucy going off saying it was her decision to make what she deserves. It’s true. She is so justified in saying this. Sadly Tim made that decision despite her willingness to love him no matter what.

Took away her choice to keep him even if he felt he wasn't worthy. Wasn't just HIS choice to make. That's what pissing her off and rightfully so. He doesn’t understand the unconditional love she had to give him or how to accept it. All he could see was how much better she was without him. All she wants is a real conversation with him and she didn't get to have that. He took the choice away from her and she's left holding the emotional bag of it all and it sucks.

Punches keep rolling with Dr London. Attacking his problem at it's damaged root. As much as he is trying to bury it he cannot hide from her and her assessment of him. This is a huge turning point in the ep. Tim saying he owns his mistakes and moves on. So cut and dry and she isn’t having ANY of it. Nor should she. He hasn’t moved on in the slightest. Once again pegging him for not only not being over it but having his whole identity being wrapped up in acting honorably. If he was past that he wouldn’t have ended things with Lucy. We wouldn't be here. But he feels not worthy and not honorable enough for Lucy so he cut ties.

Her noting it’s had a devastating effect on his self esteem. Which is why he is punishing himself. i.e He let the love of his life go. He feels he doesn’t deserve such things for being so un-honorable. My broken boy. Tim isn’t sure what’s she is getting at. Asking what she's talking about? She continues to portray him accurately. That he is punishing himself by depriving himself of something he loves. Something that brings him joy. Or someone....Clearly that someone being Lucy.

The joy she brought to his life he no longer feels he deserves. Lucy was the one constant in his life that made him happy. So he’s depriving himself of it in order to punish himself. This sounds so harsh and severe but I relate to this. When I was new at my current job. I wasn’t very good at first. I was down right on the verge of being fired. I got a game plan to fix myself from my leader. BUT I was punishing myself for not being good enough in the first place. How did I do this? I took away something I loved and brought me joy. Music.

I refused to listen to music during my job because I felt I didn’t deserve it. I wouldn’t let myself enjoy it till I was better and had earned it back. I got to a place where I let myself have something I loved back and it helped so much and ultimately got me through it. So I relate to Tim doing this to himself i really do. He is denying the one person who brings him joy because of that self-punishment. He feels he has failed who he should be therefore he can't have what he wants and needs most. Lucy. You can really see it hit Tim by time Aaron rejoins them. She hit the nail on the head and Tim is feeling it.

Lucy spotting Tim and touching her tattoo SO MUCH. Ugh my heart. Her grounding method to remind herself she's a survivor. The problem with all that is him being the reason for that reminder. Which just hurts. I'm not crying you are....Tim so out of his depth all he can do is be awkward with his ‘Clocking out?’ Babe....No...(Also I feel personally attacked by this song they chose for this scene.)

Lucy calling him out for it instantly. Because well she’s his person. Bad place or not she is always gonna tell him what he needs to hear. Won't let him hide behind niceties. Confronting that things aren't ok between them and she won't let him use it to hide. Asking for a real adult conversation with him. One which he is NOT ready for. This hurt to watch not gonna lie. This whole situation hurts.

Tim deflects….with another cheap answer of saying he can’t give her what she wants. Ugh. You are everything she wants you foolish man. I don’t blame Lucy for cutting that convo off at the knees. She wanted more depth from him and got nothing in return. Telling him he has more to figure out than she realized…and feeling like she is no longer than person to help him with that.

My heart is breaking all over again… Lucy always felt she was his person to get him through anything and to hear this only hurts her further. Coming to that realization and taking off because of it. The song running through this scene is poignant and hurtful…Also the continual clutching to her tattoo as she departs from him. I'll just be weeping in the corner don't mind me....

I wasn't expecting the scene we got here in Grey's office. But was so pleasantly surprised. My hope was that Dr. London broke through to him. That his ride along with her wouldn't be a one-off. I’m so proud of Tim I can't even tell you. To not only see he has work to do but to ask if he could start seeing her as a patient. He seemed disappointed she didn't mandate sessions. Which he needed so he could advocate for himself. Blair had pegged him early on and I think this will be so so good for him.

His healing journey is starting now and I’m so excited for him. Even though my heart is outside my chest right now for our couple. This is going to be good for Tim. I know people have been weird about Dr London. I haven’t gotten a bad feeling from her. I could be wrong but haven't gotten that. I think this is the healing Eric was talking about. That journey he needs to be in order to find his way back to Lucy. Grey's line was perfect. It's SO hard to ask for help. Tim can see something is wrong and wants to fix it. This is a beautiful start to this journey for him.

This final scene with Tamara and Lucy made me cry. This whole ep has made me cry really. Their relationship has always been one of my favorites. To watch how they’ve both grown. How Tamara learned to trust again and receive that unconditional love Lucy had to give. Gah I love it so much. Took a broken untrusting girl and molded her into a confident bad ass. I've never been able to classify what they are. They're sisters, friends and family all wrapped up in one.

Hard to watch Lucy lose this piece of her life on top of everything else. Tim may have a lot of growth to do but I think Lucy too has room to grow from this all as well. She has been given quite the bad hand in this season. Maybe she can get some direction and clarity what she wants to do with career and such. I hate that she has to be the collateral damage to everything this year. It's hard to watch. But I am interested to see how she handles it all. See how she stands after all this. I think as hard as this is will end up making her more resilient.

Lucy been struggling with her own stuff this year as well. Being so good about pegging everyone around her but being blind in her own self awareness. it's going to be interesting to see how Lucy handles everything moving forward. I hope you all know how deeply my heart breaks for her. I don't like seeing her hurt anymore than I do Tim. I wanted to cry for her most of this episode. That being said I do think this growth journey will be good for her as well. Like Eric said she'll be ok they'll grow stronger from it. Can't wait to see how it plays out.

I wasn’t expecting one more scene with him reaching out like this. Telling her she was right. He’s mad himself. That stark realization that is coming over him. My god I’m so proud of him I could burst. Not only advocating for himself but telling her it was an emergency. When everything inside him is trying to do the 'honorable thing' and not call it an emergency when it is. To see he's not being a burden by reaching out like this. It’s so hard to take care of yourself when you don’t think much of yourself. It’s a foreign feeling and to act on it even more so.

Learning it’s ok to ask for help, to be imperfect, to set healthy boundaries and grow. Not an easy place to get to. This scene is HUGE for Tim. Now I mean this in the nicest way I can muster but If you can't grasp how groundbreaking this is for him you don't get him as a character at all. Nor do you understand the gravity of this SL/situation. Of what this final scene represents for him. Tim is seeing something is broken within himself and he doesn't know how to fix it. All he knows is something is wrong and he doesn't want to feel this way anymore. He wants to understand why and to get better.

I know I spent most of my 20's running away from therapy. Saying I didn't need it. That it was non sense. Pushing everything down and deflecting like Tim did. Wrapping my identity in the same things. Being SO DAMN HARD on myself. I still struggle with this but learning to give myself more grace. I can't properly explain the feeling you get when you realize you can't out run your demons anymore. What sets off something inside you that says 'I don't feel right, I don't know how to fix it but I know it's time to.' All I know is what sets it off is different for everyone.

For me it was the fact that I was set off by a kind comment. It was from a sweet lady who was a client of mine. Who commented on earrings my mother had gotten me. I hadn't thought much of it then she looked me in the eye with so much sincerity and said 'Your mother must love you very much.' That comment just hit me so hard. Triggered me. Cause some of my deepest seated trauma comes from my mom. I remember getting in my car and crying after. Texting my sister and telling her I thought it was time I got help. All I knew was something was wrong and it was clawing to the surface and I couldn't ignore it any longer.

That's Tim in this moment. Ray resurfacing was his demons coming up for air and not going away. This is his 'Come to Jesus.' moment about himself. Knowing what Dr. London was telling him today rang true. He just doesn't know to handle it and is reaching out for help to sort it out. Now He couldn’t gotten to this place without Lucy let’s not forget that. Tim wouldn't be in the place he is without her. BUT this is not Lucy's responsibility to fix. Nor should it be. As much as we love her being his person, this is Tim journey to go on.

Now my family/friends got me to place where I could see I needed help. Just like Lucy has for Tim. But it was up to me to take the first step. That's what this scene represents for him. His first step on his journey to healing himself. He knows he has work to do and I know he'll do it. He and I are alike and he will put his all into this. I'm excited the writers did what they did in this ep. Shows they're going to put the proper care into this SL. I can see a pathway way to their healing now and I feel like I can breathe for the first time in three weeks. I'm excited to see where the rest of the season goes for them both I really am. As always thank you for any likes, comments or reblogs I get for these they mean the world.

~~~

Side notes-non Chenford. Mostly lol

I like the idea of Celina moving in but she’s not wrong it would be an emotional minefield… but do love the idea of her living Lucy I don’t want her to be alone. Have one little win for her.

This was the song during that finale scene. Thank you D to finding the link above. it's Chenford Personified in this ep. Once again whoever is doing this songs. You need a damn raise this hurt so good. The lyrics were so Poignant and painful. These one were my fav. 'I miss you. I miss you. I’ll always forgive you."

She will forgive Tim because that's who Lucy is. One of the many reasons Tim fell in love with her. That never ending desire to trust people and forgive them. To see the best in them. She will look at the deeper meaning of his actions and help him past them once he gets there himself. He will have to earn that forgiveness of hers and I have no doubt he will.

This will be a process of that I have no doubt. It won't be quick or easy but my god it'll be worth it. They always are. I don't expect this to be resolved by seasons end but I do expect them to be on their way there by the finale. This is a beautiful growth journey they're about to embark on and I'm ready to go on it.

[booksbabybooks]

S2 rewatch thoughts

Ep2 and 3 (I'm not actually going to go episode by episode, promise, I'm just bored tonight)

Marks the series' switch to "big" multi-episode disasters (especially as season openers) that is to become the show's trademark and it's a really effective one

After introducing Eddie as the cool under pressure badass of Ep 1 we flip to his sweet and vulnerable side - his son. (Also the Chris intro is so cute! Do dogs know they're dogs?)

It's a really nice character moment, including the fact that he's reluctant to reveal he's worried about his son - or, indeed, to reveal he has a son - that moment of hesitation in the fire truck is a nice preview of how reluctant he is to admit he needs help or show vulnerability, but also a nice insight into how Buck's slightly tactless, steamroller enthusiasm is good for Eddie and forces him to open up almost from the start.

Also if you're a Buddie truther you could also point out he noticed Eddie's frustration because he was paying attention to what he was doing and his moods.

Season 2 Eddie is one of his strongest looks btw. Good LORD

Buck is still a big ole ginger and I remain baffled as to why fandom keeps describing him as blonde! Strawberry blonde maybe!

Buck "I love kids!" instantly trying to reassure Eddie via random school safety facts feels very On Brand

Definitely the start of Buck and Eddie becoming BuckandEddie on the job - Eddie's "what floor do you think that is?" to Buck because of course they are going into that building together and Buck's instant buy in

Also the fact that they delightfully take a moment to chastise the Harvey Weinstein creep for his sexism / sexual harassment even though he's squished against a window seconds from death - we stan a feminist duo

More Lonestar previews: Julian Works as the character who becomes Matteo's cousin (with the same superhero references Matteo uses!)

Nobody does I'm about to cry face like JLH and I love how emotional Maddie is and it's never presented as embarrassing or shameful. She just cares a lot, alright?

Buck calling Ali Abby foreshadowing alert

Trapped Hen calling Karen 😭😭😭

Eddie hugging Chris while Buck watches on with a soft look on his face 😭😭😭

Bitchy Josh my beloved! (Also capable Josh my almost as beloved!)

The beginning of the Grant-Nash blended family with Michael basically bullying Bobby inside to meet the kids...

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - The Sign is Slaying

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top. Happy new year, BLabies!

Jan 2024 Wk 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

The Sign (Sat YT) ep 8 of 12 - Tharn in Phaya’s too big clothing is the cutest thing in the world.

I gotta to say something about Babe's acting really quickly. I love the way he’s inhabiting the personality of his naga character with reptilian eye and body movements and (I don’t know how to put this) a certain reserved, elegant, slithering- ness. He's very good this new boy of ours. (He come from something physical like dance?)

I adored them doing the walk of shame and being teased.

ALSO I enjoyed the way they handled Tharn’s gender in the past with his costume (the pha chung hang is gender neutral but that green top is a kinda combo m+f) and pronouns et al.

Language corner:

They are using ancient pronouns. I *think* I heard: daow (3rd), khun/jao/tan (2nd), kaa (Ist) - all pronouns in use are gender neutral - to the best of my understanding.

Last Twilight (Fri YT) ep 10 of 12 - Ooo. Day comes out to fam. Also his maa legit took his phone away and said

“I don’t mind you being gay but you can’t date a poor.”

Still, these 2 do kind of make the best secret boyfriends ever.

Also I begin to love Night: “that’s my baby” indeed. You special ain’t ya?

For Him (Thurs iQIYI) ep 7 of 12 -  I’m starting to find this pretty boring at this juncture. Bummer, because for a while I was enjoying it.

Twins the series (Fri GaGa) ep 11 of 12 - The stuff with the spy on the team is super boring. I’m not wild about the side characters either. So most of this episode was a bust for me. I did like First’s ex. 

Pit Babe (Fri iQIYI) ep 9 of 14 - Charlie & Babe = honeymoon phase. Jeff & Kim = forgotten. Pete & Way = riddles wrapped in alphas but actually enigmas. Everyone else = gang bang phase…. Apparently. Trash watch happening here.

Cooking Crush (Sun YT) ep 6 of 12 - Loved that this was a mutual kiss. (Also how comfortable are OffGunn kissing now? Babies!) I’ve moved from indifference to absolute loathing of the side couple tho.

Oddball LIES from the script = the gayest bridge in Bangkok isn’t lit up after 9pm.

Meanwhile, very important kicky kicky feet and Doc is a dork about flirting now that he’s all in. Looks like we get the official boyfriend ep next week.  

You and My Stars YT 2of 2(?) - Couldn’t find it. Not fussed. 

Time the series (Thai Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Okay so there’s a gang and someone named Chris is killed and his boyfriend, actor Foam, is jumped back in time to save him? NO SINGING. Between Chris’s death and that time-slip there’s some kind of accidental murder, a pink pocket watch, Chris being alive again but also a different person, and a make out scene. Are you also confused? Actually, the real question is: Do we continue watching? Remember we (the collective BLorg) do not trust MFlow. 

My Universe (Sun iQIYI) ep 21 of 24 - The acting has been pretty terrible all along with this series, but this one is the worst. I just can’t. I may tune in for the last installment but this one is a DNF for me. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka (Japan Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - It’s utterly adorable. Very manga, but so far not grating on my nerves. They so cute! You know I adore a hyung romance. Add a v gay sauna scene and an OUT gay boy and just... YES. All the married breeder regulars being overly invested in their pretty cook’s queer drama queening, it's so good.

AND THEN a confession in the first episode? Japan sure loves to mess with the pacing of plots drops.

Also, how much do I want to eat every single piece  of food in this darn show? 

Sahara-sensei to Toki-kun (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 5 of 8 - Man I wish this were better I enjoyed this more. Sigh. I do LOVE the stepbrother sides. Of course I do. But how can this feature 2 of my favorite relationship types (age gap, stepbrothers) and not be my favorite BL airing? Japan, how do you ALWAYS do this to me? 

VIP Only (Taiwan Fri Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - I don’t know. I just wish this were better. Also shorter.

I really miss KBL right now.

It's done I Need to Catch up

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have a spare day.

The Servant and the Young Master - from Veitnam so I assume it's on YouTube. I never even noticed. Anyone?

After Sundown - aired on Netflix Thailand. No word on inter release.

It's Airing But...

[INTERNATIONAL] Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube) ep 3 of 12 - yeah Japan put the smack down on our boys. Sadness. You can use a VPN if you like. Read all about it here.

Ossans Love Season 2 (Japan Gaga) - 5 years later, will anything have changed? This is Japan so… probubly not. I won't be watching this. I disliked Season one and actively hated the follow ups. No thank you.

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 14 eps - Dear Playboyy, it's not you, it’s me… I hate you. You’re about as deep (and as palatable) as a shot glass of cum. While I'm sure you’re someone’s kink, you're my weakest link. Goodbye. I DNFed this at ep 5. Frankly I'm impressed with myself for getting that far.

Night Dream (Sat YT) 6 eps - It’s a pain to track down and I really didn’t like the first episode so… DNF  

The Whisperer (Sun ????) 10 eps - Thai horror BL that ALSO involves cheating (what joy is mine). I don't think even the perfect single dimple can motivate me to watch. Word is... it's terrible.

7 Days Before Valentine (Weds WeTV) 10 eps - Giving me Luminous Solution vibes. I'm waiting to binge if safe.

Dead Friend Forever (Thai Sat iQIYI) - horror, meh, tell me if it's worth my time?

In Case You Missed it

All my year-end round ups:

TOP 10 BL Trends of 2023

Top 10 BL Secondary Pairs of 2023

2023 BLs Best Trope Execution Awards! TOP 10

BL 2023's Best:

Back Hugs Thailand & Elsewhere

Cute Bits of Domesticity

Boys Feeding Boys

BOOP!

Best Cuddles

Heads in Laps

Touching Head Touches

Thailand Put His Head on Your Shoulder

Put Your Head on My Shoulder (not Thailand)

BEST KISSES (not Thailand)

BEST KISSES FROM THAILAND

All the BLs Announced for 2023 that didn't happen

Next Week Looks Like This

More Coming Jan 2024

Beside You (Thai YouTube)

1/24 Love For Love's Sake (Korea Gaga)- based on the Manhwa ‘Love Supremacy Zone’ by Hwacha. A young man is dropped into a game based off a novel he loves. His mission is to make another player, YeoWoon happy. But then the game starts unfolding completely different from the novel.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Why are the oversized flappy flappy sleeves so adorable? (The Sign)

Pit Babe

Frankly 2024 is starting on a whimper... mostly from Babe.

(Last week)

[bengiyo]

The Miracle of Teddy Bear Ep 1 Stray Thoughts

So, @lurkingshan and @twig-tea say this is good enough that Shan was willing to cash in 9 hours of her coupons to make sure I watch it. Let's see if this show has a very good bear.

I still have trauma from Memory in the Letter. That show also featured rare stellar phenomena as the inciting incident.

The bear is the narrator and is named Tofu.

This dog's reaction is totally reasonable.

Whoa Inn Sarin looks different.

"This is the story of a boy...and a bear..."

What in The Brave Little Toaster (1987) is going on??

"You're beautiful. It's a shame you're a thief." Mr. Security Guard, it's not that kind of video.

Potential car violence in episode 1? It's a Thai drama!

Oh, exposition in the action sequence: Nut is a screenwriter.

Ah yes, he was indeed struck by a vehicle. Let's pull out the Thai statistics again.

I have so many questions about the bear's ability to feel dizzy.

Why does The Little Prince pop up so often??

The furniture is talking again, and they experience lust.

I like meeting all of these characters under stressful conditions like this. It reveals a lot about their characters. We know the best friend is protective of Nut, and feels like some kind of manager. This girl maybe has an unrequited crush. Mom is being helpful but weird.

We got payoff from the furniture lust already. Tofu taking off Nut's clothes when he's drunk doesn't read sexual; neither does their waking up together. It's okay for Nut to recognize his good taste in Tofu, and is a nice soft launch about him being gay, and apparently expecting someone named Neung to be there.

I see we have some kind of dad trauma, and Nut and his mom don't get along much.

Damn, the slippers took mom out to help keep Tofu around. Real ones.

Baby's first existential crisis: will I be abandoned by those I love?

I'm very excited about the curious neighbors.

Okay, I like Nut's actors. He's got good control of his expressions.

She has her husband to help her? Um, ma'am?

Hey, it's kinda sad that Nut's tears seem to be what awakens each item. There's a lot of characters in this room.

Well, taking care of the house is going well...

Tofu and Khunchai got real beef. I love it.

I was wondering when he'd notice his he'd was missing

Suddenly: Tee Thanapon.

Does Tofu not know his own backstory?

I'm interested in the age gap potential of the side pair.

I know Tofu better tell Nut who he is in this episode with how long it is.

Oh shit is Tofu connected to someone else who's in some sort of coma? Is it Neung, who possibly gifted Nut Tofu in the first place?

Wait, who is Tarn, and is he the one who was getting defibrillated?

Interesting. So Tofu resembles a senior named Neung.

Wow, excellent work by Job in this flashback. He doesn't look as irritable and stressed, and he has a great infatuated face.

I believe the toy council is going to solve this mystery.

I understand Nut. The feeling of a man who cares about you laying next to you is comforting. He's totally right to kick Tofu out, though.

Okay, there was a lot that happened in this episode, but I actually think this was a really good opening episode of a drama. I have a strong sense of the entire cast so far, and we have some interesting mysteries to unpack. We have the question of Tofu's transformation, his connection to the man in the hospital, the mom claiming the dad is around, why Tofu looks like Neung, who is Tarn, and why do only some items in the house gain sentience? I'm intrigued.

[restwellsoon]

Nothing in Particular | Chapter 6 - To Be Seen

Pairing: Omota Uramichi x F!Reader

Summary: A series of unexpected encounters and misunderstandings causes you to fill a large and gaping hole in Uramichi’s life.

18+ only. Minors and blank blogs DNI! You will be blocked!

The Together with Maman cast already knew what to expect during the follow up meeting with Derekida and Furode. Daringly, stupidly, or defiantly, they showed up ten minutes past the designated meeting time to find out their bosses were still late. At least this time they were prepared, each cast member sliding into a seat as they pulled out their phones to kill time. It was too early to socialize with their co-workers, despite Usahara’s attempts at making small talk. 

After fifteen minutes, their bosses showed up the same way they did last time–coffee in hand and with little regard to wasting their staff’s time.

Furode leaned back into his chair while Derekida told Iketeru to pass out the scripts. SPECIAL EP! Galaxy Edition! was written on the front page. After receiving their packet, each person flipped through it.

“Obviously we need a special ep dedicated to our show’s nomination,” Furode stated the obvious. He slurped the remaining sip of his coffee as he flipped the script to the first page, glancing at it briefly before shooting Uramichi a sly smile. The gymnast oniisan had already resigned to the fact that his nomination wasn’t his alone–it was the show’s, but more importantly, it was the producers’. Anything related to the Galaxy Award wasn’t just to boost his own fame (as if Uramichi cared for that anyway) but their’s as well.

“The special episode won’t deviate too much from our usual content. Naturally we’re getting a new song,” Derekida said, urging them to read over the page as quickly as possible.

In a surprising act of defiance, the script slapped onto the table as Uramichi deemed it to be inappropriate. A pink flush covered his face.

“Inappropriate?” Furode scoffed. “What’s so wrong about…” he looked down at the lyrics “being okay with losing?”

Everyone re-read the page in question.

Song: Even If You Lose, Your Parents Will Still Be Proud of You You lost the contest, you lost the game Too scared to look around, you just wanna cry Then you see them from the corner of your eye It’s your parents! Yes, Maman! Yes, Papan! Even if you lost, your parents will still be proud of you~ The game, the contest, it doesn’t matter Even if your heart feels like it might shatter Your parents will always be proud of you

No, there really wasn’t anything wrong with the song, Uramichi tried to reason with himself. He was being sensitive, and now he’d made a fool of himself in front of his co-workers and bosses. It was his fault for making mistakes during the biggest competition of his life when he was a gymnast. It was his choice to retire because of his injuries.

Uramichi didn’t have to explain himself because the rest of the cast already knew. It was something they never brought in front of him, but they knew why Uramichi acted the way that he did. The shame of retirement, the fall out with his father—they were all public events that every news station and publication covered for weeks until Uramichi completed rehab for his injuries. The disgrace and scorn he faced despite the fact that he pushed his body to its limits, they knew it all. All of his previous accomplishments meant nothing to his father. 

Indeed, it was a sensitive topic.

Iketeru was the first to speak. “What Uramichi oniisan is trying to say, I think, is that the song is inappropriate because it doesn’t take into consideration the kiddos that don’t have moms and dads.” 

The rest of the group was surprised that he could make such a statement.

”Yeah,” Kumatani added in, “My parents were working all the time, so it was my grandfather who took care of me the most when I was young. I never knew if I made my parents proud, but I knew that my grandfather always was.”

It was either shock from Iketeru’s sharpness, fear of offending Kumatani, or a combination of both that made their director and producer take their words into consideration. They thoughtfully hummed instead of shooting them down.

Utano mentioned that at a time like this, they couldn’t risk alienating their audience or sparking controversy. Trying to be positive, she added, “It’s clear that there’s an intention about showing the importance of resilience and being loved, but I think the execution didn’t come out as intended.”

Snapping his fingers, Derekida realized that he had a solution to their problem right before his eyes. “Oh yeah, you and Iketeru went to that fancy pants music academy, right? Technically you’re both professional singers and song-writers!”

Did he really think that they were just actors with a good voice? Utano bit her tongue at the insult.

Before they could dwell on his words any longer, he assigned the two singing leaders a new task. “You gotta work with the music team to make a better song then! I have high expectations for you two!”

Uramichi didn’t dare to meet their eyes for giving them more work. He’d have to think of a way to make it up to them later–dinner, at the very least.

Clapping his hands—Usahara couldn’t help but wonder why the director was extra loud this morning, especially since he was getting so sleepy—Derekida went onto the next topic.

”Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about the deets. This episode’s gotta be big, right?” Furode nodded his head in agreement. “So we won’t be doing it in our usual MHK auditorium. Me an’ the big boss here went all out for you guys. Yeah, we’re running through the usual skits—Advice Corner with Oniisan, the Yakumi Shinobi, and something with Kotori-san—but to add the razzle dazzle, we booked a huge theater so more people can see Together with Maman shine.”

“The Yakumi Shinobi for reals?” Usahara finally spoke up, saying what everyone else was thinking. Performing in front of their biggest audience yet while Uramichi wore that outfit was…

Furode shrugged. “We looked at ratings and other metrics, and the people liked the God of Shiso and Bonjour Man the best. So take your pick.”

For Usahara, Kumatani, Utano, and Iketeru, it was difficult to decide on which of Uramichi’s characters were more distracting. At least Bonjour Man had a solid shirt to cover up his nipples instead of a few precariously placed letters and shiso leaves. 

He scoffed. “That’s what I thought. So anyway, just look over the schedule for the rest of the week. Things might seem light since we’re not shooting as many episodes, but you’ll be having a lot of rehearsals with Furitsuke in the upcoming month.”

—

After being dismissed, Uramichi immediately went into the smoke room to dissociate. 

Fuck Derikida.

Fuck Furode.

Fuck the stupid fucking writers who thought it would be entertaining to drag his personal experiences into this.

With how pleasant the past two days were, he should have known that life was going too smoothly.

He exhaled, trying to remember the warmth of your hand tugging him out the door. You dropped it quickly when you heard his elderly neighbors, only to shyly reach for it again in the privacy of the elevator. He recalled the little things about you as you talked about your college days at the cafe you went to, stopping only to order “your usual.”

He thought of walking you home and how you invited him inside for tea–an excuse to makeout on your couch, really. He thought of that sheepish expression on your face as you told him that you didn’t want to kick him out, but that your work emails and texts were piling up by the hour.

Uramichi was about to reach for another cig when Utano entered the room, waving the smoke away as if she hadn’t been a smoker for years before this.

“Can I bum one?” She asked, taking the spot beside him.

He gave her an incredulous look. “Thought you were trying to quit?” He asked, giving her one anyway.

“Sometimes you just need one,” she shrugged, using his lighter too. “I know I don’t have to apologize, but I’m sorry they even thought of doing that. That was fucked up.”

Uramichi watched the smoke rise to the ceiling until it disappeared as he lit up a new one.

He cocked his head and smiled. “What do you mean?”

She sighed. Right. Uramichi was the type to bury his feelings or run away instead of confronting them.

“Sorry for making more work for you and Iketeru,” Uramichi offered.

Deciding to take one last hit before she snuffed the cig out, Utano inhaled then coughed. “Damn, it’s really been a while,” she wheezed.

Despite the coughing fit, she took her real last hit and put it out, waving the smoke away like his concern. “Don’t worry about it. After all these years, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

He nodded.

She gestured to the remaining half of his cigarette. “Well, enjoy.”

—

You were right about work piling up, but mostly with useless shit that should have been managed by the supervisors. How exactly were they managing their warehouses? You pinched the bridge of your nose and sighed as you looked at the emails that you were CC’d in. 

A few shipments were held up in customs, meaning the supervisors should have apologized to the vendors for the delay. But did they? Of course not.

You groaned. Managing such logistics was a pain in the ass, and fearing a dump in your reputation (as in, both your own and the company’s), you made a personal plan to meet with the merchants by the end of the week.

“Tough luck, huh?” Ken said from the doorway of your office.

“How’re you going to apologize?” You asked, not looking up at him. There were about 67 more emails to go through. “Dinner or gifts?”

He took it as a sign to get closer. “Probably both with how big this client is,” he said. “Doesn’t help that I’ll be busy with that new opportunity in my territory too.”

“Right, I heard that broadcasting company dropped JXpress. God, that new grad who mixed up the routes is for sure done for.”

“A buddy of mine that works there said the poor kid had to apologize to each employee that was impacted by his mistake by writing a personal letter to them. Five pages each.,” Ken said, shaking his head. He couldn’t imagine fucking up as badly as that. “But on the brighter side, that means that the bid for this company is happening soon.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” you said half-earnestly. “I’m sure every logistics company is sending out their best people to get that contract. Contracting with the gov is every company’s dream.”

Taking another sip of his coffee, Ken changed the subject. He didn’t feel like thinking of his competition just yet. “Hey, did you go through the latest email from HR, by the way? Looks like they’re gonna have a huge event at HQ in a month.”

You hadn’t, but you quickly filtered through your emails to see what he was referring to. In bright colors, you were greeted with “SUPER SECRET EVENT! For our beloved employees and their families!”

The contrast was a bit jarring and hurt your eyes, so you closed out the email after quickly scanning it. “Yeah, this doesn’t really interest me. It seems marketed towards workers with families or really young siblings, right?”

“Has to be,” he agreed, “why else would they choose such ugly colors?”

“Man, I do love exclusive events though…” you trailed, trying to keep the conversation going for as long as possible to avoid actual work.

“Let’s be on the lookout then,” he said. “Maybe we can go together?”

You nodded, “Yeah, sure, that’s fine.”

Before leaving, Ken offered his help. “Let me know if you need any help planning your apology gifts or letters. Sato sent me over some stuff.”

Again, you nodded, saying that you’d email him if you were gonna take him up on the offer. It was only when you returned to typing and clicking away that he left, quietly shutting the door behind him. 

—

Groaning, you left your office without giving it so much as a glance back. If anything, you hoped for someone to come in and steal your computer, so that you couldn’t work for half the day. 

“God, I fucking hate commuting,” you mumbled to yourself as you scanned your pass to enter the subway. By the time you left the office, the trains were crowded–regardless if you stayed late or left on time–and you spent a minimum of 40 minutes getting squished by smoke-covered businessmen.

Hope work wasn’t too bad. At least tomorrow’s Friday, you found yourself texting Uramichi.

You thought that hooking up would bring you two closer, but now you felt like you could only text him if you were horny. You hoped that he wouldn’t misunderstand the intentions of your text, but he probably would.

I’m already looking forward to leaving the studio tomorrow. ٩(× ×)۶

Uramichi responded to your text with a straight face, immediately stopping his set of Romanian twists. He lingered for a moment in case you texted back quickly.

It was difficult to fight the urge to ask him what his weekend plans were, especially since you saw each other a couple of days ago. You didn’t want to seem too desperate.

But that wish came far too late.

Are you busy this weekend?

Uramichi answered quickly.

Yeah ╥﹏╥ They want to take some promo shoots and do a small interview for the Galaxy’s. 

You shouldn’t have felt as disappointed as you did.

Next time then Yeah, next time :)

—

When it came to shoots, Uramichi found a strange sort of comfort in the familiarity of MHK’s publicity and marketing departments. The rooms were often designed with bright colors and obnoxious patterns that were easy to get lost in. The muted neutral tones of Galaxy Awards’ studio felt suffocating in a way. It felt too sterile and adult. 

At least his face didn’t mind though. Instead of maintaining a perpetual smile in case he ran into any kids touring the station, he could let his expression rest. His throat could take it easy today too, staying at its natural depth. 

“Well, this isn’t too bad,” he mumbled to himself in the fitting room. This didn’t feel like work because he wasn’t in his usual work mode. “The suit’s stuffy though.”

He gave himself a once over, adjusting his tie and fixing his hair before leaving the room to line up for his headshot. Truthfully, he didn’t recognize any of the other people there. He wasn’t sure if it was face blindness, poor memory, a poor relationship with pop culture, or some combination of the three.

From the start, his nomination felt surreal. It felt even more so today because of his appearance. His bangs were pushed out of his face and lightly styled with gel. He wore a fitted suit and a perfectly tied tie that paired with a set of black shiny shoes. If he saw himself on the street, Uramichi would have guessed that he was someone who worked in business or finance, a salaryman.

As he waited in line, he let his mind wonder what it would be like if you two were co-workers.

—

Ding! Your notification said that Uramichi sent you a picture, and you wondered what it could even be of.

Opening the message, you threw your phone to the other side of your bed, face hot with embarrassment. Did he mean to send that to someone else or…?

After taking a few breaths, you crawled back to your phone. There was no additional text, just a suited Uramichi with a loose tie, taking a selfie in some unknown place.

Your fingers shook as you tried to think of what to say.

“Fuck!” You screeched as you realized that you accidentally called Uramichi. Quickly you cancelled the call only to see that he was trying to call you back.

What was worse: ignoring his call or answering and saying it was an accident?

Your voice caught in your throat when you heard him say your name.

“Hi,” you breathed out.

“Sorry I missed your call,” Uramichi said, sounding a bit muffled. “I was changing.”

“Oh, you were?” You said weakly, tapping a few buttons so you could look at that picture of Uramichi looking like a stud again.

“Right,” you said, gaining some composure. “The picture. The one you sent where you were all dressed up. I’m guessing that they let you borrow a set of suits?”

He said that they did, and after Uramichi set the phone down, placing it on speaker as he pulled his pants up and buttoned them.

“You look so handsome. I bet the pictures turned out well.”

His lips turned upwards slightly, pleased with your praise. “Yeah, hopefully,” he hummed, this time pulling his shirt over himself. “If not, they said I can do a retake. I probably won’t bother though.”

“Where’re you off to now? It’d be a waste for you to go home with your hair done and everything.”

“Is it done?” He asked, more to himself than to you, pushing a few strands back.

You sat on your bed cross-legged, giving up on the show you were watching on your tablet. “Maybe it’s just a girl thing,” you laughed. “Usually when I get my hair cut or do my makeup, I wanna go out, so people can see me.”

Uramichi let out a quiet ‘oh,” and there was an awkward pause after. You checked to make sure that the call didn’t end.

“Would you wanna go out with me?” He asked.

“Go out with you?” You echoed, making him regret his choice of words. “Right now?”

“I spoke too fast,” Uramichi tried to backtrack, nearly running out of the studio and onto the street. “Don’t feel pressured. You don’t have to.”

“I uh…” You didn’t need to look at yourself in the mirror to know how you probably looked. Even though you showered, your hair was the bare minimum of presentable, you weren’t wearing makeup, and all of your cuter clothes were in the laundry. 

“Forget I asked,” Uramichi said.

“No! No, it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that I’d hate for you to wait while I get ready. I kind of take a long time…” you trailed, trying to think of a solution. “Would you wanna come over here? Ugh, no, that’s lame. You’ve been coming over a lot, so you’re probably sick of my place, huh?”

“No, not at all,” Uramichi cut in, afraid that you’d rescind your offer. “You’re the only person I want to see me like this anyway, so…”

Oh.

Your face grew impossibly hotter.

“Great, well, come over now and we’ll think of something when you get here.” You told him, already digging through your closet for possible outfits.

—

“Welcome home!” You joked as you opened the door. Shamefully, you asked Uramichi to stop by the market on his way over since you ran out of rice and dashi.

Your eyes landed on the huge sack of rice he had slung over his shoulder. “Oh my god, Michi,” you scolded, trying to snatch the ten kilogram bag from him. “That’s so much! I appreciate you, but what the hell!”

Riding on the high of you welcoming him home, he playfully sidestepped you to enter the room, kicking off his shoes while maintaining his hold on the sack.

“It was on sale,” he tried to argue, finally setting it on the counter. He pulled out the dashi container from his backpack and set it beside the rice. “It was the same price as a five kilo bag, so…”

You could only shake your head as you fished for the proper amount of change from your wallet.

“Besides, I’m strong,” Uramichi told you.

“Yeah, I know,” you laughed, sliding the yen into his back pants pocket. “You proved that when I stopped by your workplace the other day.”

His cheeks burned at the memory. Was he always this embarrassing? Uramichi leaned against the counter, afraid that you’d feel the heat radiating off him.

But as quickly as you came, you set off, reaching into the fridge for a couple of beers.

Cracking the first one open and handing it to him, shyly you said, “Sorry I’m not ready yet.” You motioned to your body. “I thought my clothes would be dry by now, but give me another half hour.”

Following your lead to the couch, Uramichi waved off your apology.

Sipping your can of Orion, you asked him how his day was.

He paused, unsure of how to answer because he wasn’t used to being asked such a question. “It was fine,” he settled on, “and it ran smoother than expected.”

Laughing a little, you asked him if he was expecting it to be bad.

“Well, no,” Uramichi said, sipping on his beer, “but the shoots we’d do to promote gymnastics competitions were…”

You cocked your head, expecting to hear more.

Would you even care to hear about his past? It wasn’t as if he was a gymnast anymore, so it’s not like it mattered. He met your expectant eyes before deciding.

“They were kind of exhausting,” he admitted, his eyes falling back to his lap. “We had to do a lot of action shots, and the interviewers would try to get into your head.” When he felt your pity, he added, “That’s all in the past now. I don’t know why I thought it’d be the same. How dumb.”

Stealing a side glance, he met your eyes once more. “Well, that’s your frame of reference so I get why you’d compare the two. That’s exciting though. What did they ask you about?”

When did Uramichi finish his drink? His finger outlined its rim. “Just generic questions about the show,” he shrugged, “my reaction to the nomination. I memorized what the PR consultant told me to say.”

“Ahh, but that’s still exciting regardless! I’m happy for you. After I heard about your nomination, I couldn’t help but look up who your competition was: there’s someone who conducts street interviews, another children show’s host, a talk show host, and Shinsuke Murakami from that one variety show. I hope you or Murakami win.”

Right. The PR team had briefed him on the other nominees. Apparently his biggest competition wasn’t the fellow children’s show host, but Murakami. They were in the same age range, and apparently he scored well with middle-aged women, meaning his likelihood for winning was high. It also helped that his looks were the perfect balance of traditional and ikemen. Specifically, the PR consultant said that Murakami looked like the improbable lovechild of Iketeru and Kumatani, then kindly asked Uramichi to never repeat that so they wouldn’t get in trouble.

“Why not me?” He blurted out. He tried to convince himself that it was his competitive side that was asking.

You paused, trying to think of why you were torn between the two. “I can’t help but root for Murakami because he’s so dreamy~ Don’t worry! You’re cute too, Michi.”

Setting your beer down on the table, you leaned in to get a better look at him. “Are you pouting?”

“No.” He turned away.

Poking one of his cheeks, your finger made the slightest indent. “Your face will stay stuck like that,” you teased as you moved in closer. “Can I change my vote? Uramichi is number one, then Murakami is number two.”

Uramichi finally turned to glower at you. “I don’t want your pity vote.”

“Hey, I can be the vote that makes or breaks you winning the award!”

You were so close that Uramichi could smell your shampoo and the perfume that clung to your neck. It would have been the perfect moment to kiss you–if only you hadn’t pulled away.

“Laundry’s done,” you told him. “Think about where you wanna go while I get changed!”

–

Even though you told him that you took a long time to get ready, you appeared before Uramichi after ten minutes in a dress. He scoured online for somewhere nice, but it was difficult to balance good atmosphere, good drinks, and good value. One of them had to be sacrificed. He sighed.

“Decide on a place yet?” You asked, pushing some bangles onto your wrist.

“There’s a place about three blocks down that has good cocktails,” he said.

“Great,” you said, grabbing your low heels from the shoe rack. “Lead the way.”

–

“Man, Uramichi’s been so weird lately,” Usahara grumbled as his sixth call in a row was declined. “It’s almost like he’s ignoring us.”

He and Kumatani left the Mud Boat slightly buzzed after splitting a pitcher of beer together. They half-expected to see Uramichi there since he wasn’t at Cat Kick, but their usual booth was empty.

“Speak for yourself,” Kumatani said as he checked his phone. “I’m not the one whose calls got declined six times.”

Down for drinks? He texted Uramichi privately.

“Hachita said he might be dating.”

They both paused.

“Him? Dating? Who?”

Usahara laughed off the possibility of losing their friend to the world of romance. It was common for Kumatani to get a girlfriend every couple of years, Usahara too even, but Uramichi? Him being single was like one of the conditions of their world existing. If he dated, what would happen to their friendship?

But to Kumatani, the probability of Uramichi dating seemed more probable. After all, he was more perceptive than Usahara and Uramichi combined, so he was keenly aware of things like crushes and romantic interest.

“Yeah, well whatever! He’s probably at the gym or something. His loss,” Usahara tried to laugh it off. “It’s not every day that the honorable Kumatani offers to take us out for beef skewers.”

He shrugged, trying to brush off his annoyance about his senpai lagging in his response. “He’s doing me a favor, honestly. With how much protein he needs to maintain his physique, I’d probably be out of half my paycheck. You, on the other hand with your skinny build…”

Usahara was nodding in agreement up until the last sentence, realizing the diss that Kumatani snuck in there. “Hey, hey, hey!” He said, pushing the darker-haired man into the restaurant, “Neither of us are jacked like Uramichi, but I’d say that both of us are pretty lean.”

–

It was a mistake to go to one of his usual haunts, but when put on the spot, this was all that Uramichi could come up with. 

You squinted while trying to read the neon sign. “Kushiyaki… Galore?”

“Yeah, the name’s weird,” Uramichi said, “but I guess the owner was inspired by some restaurant names he saw when he studied in the West.”

You hummed, taking in its appearance as the host led you to a table. Despite the strange name, the inside was clean with a more modern vibe, that made you somewhat suspicious if it was just another gimmicky place. After all, everyone knew that discrete places were often the real hidden gems of the culinary world.

Oh well, even if it were a gimmick, at least the interior was cute. You snapped a few pics to send to Utano later.

After being shown your seats, you looked at the menu, asking Uramichi what he normally got.

“We usually get the assorted set when we come here, but the pork belly is good too.”

“We?” You asked, raising your brow from over the menu.

Uramichi realized his wording. “We as in my friends! We don’t go here as often anymore but–”

He only stopped when you laughed. “Sorry, sorry. Hey, don’t pout again. I’m sorry! I don’t care who you go here with. I just thought it’d be fun to tease you.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s fun.”

Finally you set the menu down completely, and Uramichi followed suit.

“Well, you can’t see how cute you look. It’s the hair,” you told him.

“Styling my hair like this makes you want to bully me?”

You giggled. You’d been doing that a lot since he first came over, he noticed. 

“No, it makes me want to flirt with you.”

There were too many moments of near-misses between you. In your apartment. On the bus. On the walk over. The tension was there, and it was electric, drawing Uramichi to you as he felt the sparks of something there. He wanted to kiss you, to fuck you, or at the very least, hold your hand.

But before he could do any of that, an unfortunately familiar spoke beside you.

“Uhh, hey Mr. Host, is it okay if we sit right here?”

Your eyes followed Uramichi’s to your right as his friends sat at the table beside yours. 

There were a hundred things that Uramichi could do or say in that moment. On the way here, he declined all of Usahara’s calls with zero intention of calling him back tonight. He saw Kumatani’s text too but still chose to leave him on read. This had to have been karma for what he’d done.

“Hi,” Uramichi finally said, his shoulders slumping as all the light and life left his eyes. He glared at his friends who were used to his looks.

Did they hear? Maybe they didn’t hear, you tried to convince yourself.

But with the way Blondie was looking at you, wide-eyed and mouth open, you knew they definitely heard the last part. How. Fucking. Embarrassing.

Their other friend wasn’t looking at either of you, instead perusing the menu. He scanned the first two pages before setting it down.

“Uramichi’s right. The assorted set’s good here, but they’re known for their pork belly, so I think that’s what you guys should get.”

The pressure radiating off of him was suffocating even though he was smiling. While you saw Usahara as a nuisance and a cockblock, Kumatani was on a different level. He was an actual opponent, blocking you from Uramichi. While embarrassing, you didn’t care much that Usahara heard you. But Kumatani? Knowing that he overheard your entire conversation was mortifying. What was he even capable of?

You scanned the rest of the restaurant in a pathetic attempt to find an escape route. Perhaps there was a corner that you and Uramichi could sneak off to. But somehow the restaurant had reached max capacity while you two were talking. Some people were even queuing by the entrance.

Which meant that you two were stuck here. 

Beside his friends.

You were stuck having dinner with the guy you’re fucking and his friends.

You said a prayer to any god out there before calling over a server. You might as well as get this over with as quickly as possible.

Return to

the Main Masterlist

Nothing in Particular | fic cover

Life Lessons Masterlist

AO3

[hisui555]

Hazbin Hotel thoughts : Pets 2

"How are they with pets ?" Vees and other Overlords edition

(Pets 1 (Hazbin Hotel crew) here)

(Pets 3 (Heaven's side) here)

Masterpost here.

Aaaand my titles are still as creative as a rusting cheese grater on sale. Anyway, let's jump to it.

The Vees !

Vox did have an (now archived) Instagram that's also now loosely canon, where he put pics of his cute pet hammerhead landshark Vark (that's probably not in the show the same as it was in the Instagram, but made it in with another form : might be the hammerhead bio-shark we see in the tank in ep 2 and why do I get the feeling we got robbed from something ?) and given his interactions with it, he clearly loves it with all his heart, calling it "baby" and posting what he brought for him (in a handbag), so it's safe to say that Vark is spoiled. One pic even shows it jumping on Velvette with Vox doing a fist-pump, another has an out-of-focus one with Vox being the one jumped on, so the critter can be safely described as rather enthusiastic (and giant. Hell fuck is it big). Which, based on this, gives a rather good idea of how he would interact with a pet : it's kind of a special, non common animal of specific interest (shark), that he will coddle and spoil to high heavens, basically a pseudo-kid. Expect tons of affection, letting it run around to its heart's content with a whole room (or more) dedicated to the beast, and a Never Could Do Any Wrong attitude that might be even worse that Lucifer's in the previous post. He will also train and teach it tricks, complete with lots of praise and treats, and given his management skills vet appointments are no problems (well, for him. Given the animal, very much not so for the vet), even cooing to the tyker that I know, you don't like it, but we'll have to go. I know, I know, I promise it's not for long. Touch it and you're dead, your reputation is dead, your whole family is dead up to the 10th ancestor, even your ashes are dead.

Alternatively, given how Vox is in the show now (still secretely hoping we see that side of him I admit, but I wouldn't place any bets on it), he has multiple shark-like creatures in a GIANT fish tank (at least two of them recognizable as sharks, I've counted four beasties that are seen on the opening of Stayed Gone), which look impressive and silently drift by. So while there's still the affinity for sharks, they look less goofy and more dangerous than Vark by some metric magnitudes and go quite well with his cunning CEO image, even emphazing it ("I think I have... just the one." Ep 2). So it paints a picture of power and silent intimidation, grinning like a shark and tempting to trade into the waters, smelling weakness like blood in the waves and drowning people under false hope : which is pretty much how he'd probably like his pets - hunting, powerful, highly unusual ones, that make him think of, well, himself and his empire. He'll keep them well-fed, cares for them, and likes to watch them swim around, maybe to calm his nerves after a Valentino tantrum or whenever Alastor so much as breathes wrong, more like status pets than coddling pets like his Instagram incarnation with Vark (again, shame*).

*While I do go awww, too bad, the producers, animators and whatnot had to work with an 8 episodes season. Characters also evolve (5 years between the pilot and the first episode), and things get dropped or picked up considering the needs of the show, and the intends behind the characters. The retired character Instagrams (and the pilot) paint the big lines, but smaller details are either contradictory or true-but-in-a-sideways-way compared to the final product, hence why "loosely canon". Vox with Vark would've been adorable, but he's probably not supposed to be that likable in that precise way, and it would've probably not brought the show itself much. I can only speculate why they dropped Vark's previous version (if he's indeed in the show at all), but don't take it as me faulting the show's creators and workers for it : my word is far from being gospel. Or else I'd make a really shitty deity.

Velvette would probably like a small, handholding pet that she can customize and that accords to her tastes, but also cute, photogenic and personable, so expect something like Hell's version of a chameleon, a pug or a Yorkshire (wait scratch that, I said "cute and photogenic"), or something that other people would find hideous but she'll make it work (nevermind, this fits) to show off how good her fashion skills are. She'll parade around with it, and if it has the same bitchy disdainous attitude as her, gladly welcomed bonus. She'll train it to obey only her (to Vox and Valentino's consternation and frustration), but also perfectly : every command is fulfilled within the snap of her fingers, but if the pet does outstandingly well, she won't hold back the treats. In private, she might be softer and more affable to it, praising and baby-talking it, but at the very least it'll have a luxurious corner to live in, and when she's away, her assistants are given the tasks of taking care of it (however not to a keep-an-activity-journal point unlike Pentious in the previous post). Unlike Angel, she might go for multiple pets at once (again, they're taken care of by a whole flock of staffs - good for testing interns and all that), and bank fashion lines and trends on them, associating with Vox to push out new product lines about animal care and fashion.

She'll also have pretend "dialogues" in public with one of them (switching favorites often following her moods - Velvette likes to have a wide choice fan of options) about how ugly or stupid she finds something and what's that you say Pookie ? Yes, absolutely, this dress looks like colored by sewer waters, ugh, good thing someone agrees with me. Think we should fire her ? to someone she particularly despises or deems unimportant enough and won't address directly because she'll estimate it beneath her, or sometimes to have an outlet of her own to vent. Rarely if ever goes to the vet unless one of the critters ate something it really shouldn't, since she's counting on her assistants to be skilled in healthcare, and they better be. Naming will be themed after what she likes, supported by tons of nicknames, and only her will know which one is named what because no one can keep up. Will be more annoyed than sad if one of them is hurt or died, but there will be a pang of sorrow for her favorite ones.

Valentino, well, also had a loosely canon pet queef (those half chihuahua half horsefly thingies, which are two abominations put together to make a third one - kidding, Fizzarolli's are kinda endearing), named... Queef (worse than my title names, good job bud), and emphasis on had, since he shot the tyker dead because it annoyed him, according to his archived Instagram. A safe bet is that it didn't even lasted very long. Which... paints dead-on (...sorry) the picture of how Val would treat pets : it's like a fancy that strikes from time to time and goes away just as quick, the second he's bothered by the critter. He's atrocious with naming them (though Adam beats him for sure in terms of naming things), sometimes can't differenciate one from another because oh right, I killed Queefie last week, you're actually Queefrey (...look at what you've made me do, stupid moth), and doesn't really care in general. Vet ? What's that ? Seriously the only time he'll go to a vet it's to enrol them in his studio if he finds them sexy enough and uses the critter for it. To him, they're not animals, they're trending accessories : something that goes nicely with the fishnet stockings and mink coat for an evening or two, not longer - or a tool to pick up chicks and chucks. If it dies, either he's the reason for it, or he'll just be annoyed.

He might just give them away if feeling generous or in a good mood, mostly to Velvette or his employees (he was the one who gave Fat Nuggets to Angel canonically - which was when Hell probably got a sudden cold wave or something. My sarcasm is having a stroke today, damn, sorry. Often happens when I'm writing Valentino's section, wonder why...ah, shit.), but hates if it disobeys or doesn't do what he wants it to do. Given that he doesn't train them either and expects it to behave like he wants right off the bat, this happens often. The longest any pet has lasted by him ? I'd say a week, two tops.

The other Overlords !

I don't peg Zestial for a pet owner, but again, let's pretend. It'll probably be something silent and creepy, ancient and powerful just like him - I mean, can you see him pick up any sparkly eyed kitten ? Me neither. It would make for a hilarious image, though. But nope, he'll be more like Hagrid than Umbridge in that sense : the most horrifying the better. Given his motif of spiders, he'll have his own Aragog, or some giant chiropteric monster from the dawn of times, with its own gregorious Fancy Name The Nth, something that even Lucifer thought died out ages ago. It's more a mutually respectful companionship than anything else : there's no "owner", no "pet", it just happens to live in Zestial's basement (or wherever he hangs his spindly, spidery legs from) and hunt down nuisances for him, in exchange of the occasional chin scritches. Might also know how to play chess, because why the hell not. Zestial won't like it being hurt, but will let it lick its wounds on its own and wait for it to ask for help, and it'll show up to show support in a fight and some extra manpower if needed. It doesn't obey squat, just agrees with you from time to time. No vet is crazy enough to go near that beast.

Carmilla will probably not have a pet either (too bothersome), but her daughters just might, and she'll allow it (somehow). Strict rules, the animal can't go wherever it pleases, better be damn well potty trained, and girls, if you want a pet, I'm not the one taking care of it - and she will stand by this, unlike some Didn't Want The Damn Cat Parents who melt at the first purr (welcome to the club of cat lovers, I'm the self-proclaimed president, what can I do for you ?). However, she's not against the affection, enjoying some relaxing moments with the pet at her side. Also, just having it around sleeping while she does work is nice and stress-relieving enough. She appreciates whatever "help" it can provide (fetching stuff), and simply talks to it like she would to an everyday person, only repeating words to make it understand what it should or should not be doing. She doesn't like cruelty to animals, and will make very clear what she thinks of someone who does that, but otherwise won't blow a gasket (like Vox or Angel might do). Might favor guard pets to protect her loved ones.

Rosie would be more about some old fashioned and elegant pets like poodles or whatever frizz-furred (or hairless, or scaly, as long as its classy) critter this side of Hell has to offer. However, since Alastor doesn't like dogs, she'll either keep it at home, or simply have another pet altogether, but case in point, it's a home pet, not something to parade around the Emporium with. Having it on a leash in the streets, fan in hand (her, not the tyke), and taking a strut around while waving for her fellow citizens or stopping to chat with other pet-owners is really picturesque, and exactly what she'll do. She'll make sure it's well-behaved, and will just have to softly utter a single command for it to obey. The most questionable thing would be the... diet. One sure thing, that beastie is well-fed.

Part 3 will be Heaven's side. Hope you enjoyed !

Again, Masterpost here.

[a-queer-seminarian]

June was Queer Pride Month, July is Disability Pride Month, and that means it's the prime time of year for certain people to remind us that "pride is a sin, didn't you know?"

So for episode 75 of the Blessed Are the Binary Breakers podcast, I called up my dear friend Laura, a fellow disabled trans Christian, to discuss how the kind of pride that marginalized communities use as an antidote to shame is not sinful, but indeed essential in our pursuit of justice and abundant life for all!

Listen as Laura and I — interspersed with excerpts from Eli Clare's 1999 text Exile and Pride — contrast marginalized pride with nationalist, supremacist pride; explain why "awareness" and "acceptance" aren't enough; and emphasize the need to join pride with witness.

Click here for places to listen + the episode transcript.

Hear more from Laura on their podcast, the Autistic Liberation Theology Podcast. Click here for their website of essays and biblical Playmobil art.

Look under the readmore for more excerpts + image descriptions.

ID for images at top of post: A messy paint rainbow on a black background with text reading "Our Pride is Not a Sin: a queer and disabled lens. Ep 75 of Blessed Are the Binary Breakers."

Text on a purple banner reads "Pride and humility don't have to be opposites — they balance each other out." A quote from Avery Arden below reads, "When we have too high an opinion of ourselves, thinking we are above others, that’s an excess of pride — time for some humility. But then if we are pushed down, made to feel inferior to others, that’s humility in excess — time for some pride. And it's all about how it influences you to act with others." / end ID

Text on a green banner reads, "Why is pride only sinful when it's marginalized groups' pride?" A quote from Laura Sommer reads, "It shows that this is a made-up argument! Our whole society is built around national pride. As long as it's [pride for something] that is well-established and mainstream, nobody even notices that they use the word proud."

A quote from Eli Clare from 1999 reads, “Without pride, disabled people are much more likely to accept unquestioningly the daily material conditions of ableism, unemployment, poverty, segregated and substandard education, years spent locked up in nursing homes, violence perpetrated by caregivers, lack of access. Without pride, individual and collective resistance to oppression becomes nearly impossible."

A gray banner has text reading "The Progress Pride flag's black stripe & Disability Pride flag's gray background commemorate those lost to queerphobia or ableism." Both flags are shown on the image. A quote from Laura Sommer reads, "Remember the ones who can't be here, or can't feel pride, or can't celebrate. And make sure [pride's] not just about celebration — it's also about defiance, and this feeling of 'we are still here, and we will defend the space that we have carved out.' And we do this to save lives."

[allfillernothriller]

Welcome to Unhinged Hours, a series of posts that will be tagged as such in which I will overshare my cringiest and most awkward thoughts because I've no self-control over my need to vent. And who knows. Might help someone else.

Don't mind the dubious syntax and weird grammar.

[cw brief mention of abuse]

When I was 17-19, I was mortified to discover I was attracted to (much) older people. During my early twenties, the majority of my crushes were in their thirties. I knew the age gap was too big and I was too young, so I did nothing about them and naively thought this was something that would fix itself with time. I thought "at least I know I find people in their thirties attractive so I just have to wait to reach mine and date people my age then" (lmao good one past me). Well. As I'm inching ever closer to said thirties, it's more and more evident that the issue clearly did NOT fix itself, those old crushes are nearing their forties and I haven't stopped carrying them in my heart. They're attractive in new ways. When I look at pics from back when I first developed a crush, I find that my current 27yo self isn't physically attracted to their 32yo self I was originally attracted to anymore. And I know for a fact that 21yo me wouldn't have found 38yo [redacted] hot. But current me is still attracted to current them (38yo [redacted] is indeed very hot). And you might wonder what's the issue here, so lemme tell you. I've been frequenting online feminist spaces for a decade. I've read countless accounts of teenage girls and young women who were manipulated and abused by older partners. I've read an inordinate amount of warnings, the gist of all of them being “don't date older folks during your formative years, don't believe them when they call you 'mature for your age'”. And let me be crystal clear — I still think it's relevant and infinitely important to relay those accounts and protect girls and young women, and help them spot red flags and predatory patterns. It absolutely is, I am not blaming feminism for my existential struggles. I am simply giving you context. The thing is, I've internalised this as “don't ever pursue older folks, period” (which is a completely different thing, I knew that then and still know it now but couldn't help it) and as a result I've been lugging around self-inflicted guilt and shame for years (and don't I love the internalised biphobia that adds to it when the person happens to be a man /s). And these crushes I've been telling you about? They're one-sided! They've never expressed any interest, so that's always been a safe situation for me, but did that prevent any self-loathing from taking root in my brain? Course it didn't! I can't seem to shake the feeling that there's something wrong with me and I've grown tired of this. Scolding myself over human emotions is getting fucking old.

That brings me to today's crisis — at which point in one's life does it get easier to accept? How old is old enough to stop caring about the age gap? When will I stop blaming myself? How do I drop the guilt?

Because if it was "just" the fact that I'm still swooning over the same people (who are now soon-to-be 40), that would be too easy, wouldn't it? But nooo I just had to go and get a new crush on someone who's already in their forties. Where does this end, please?

(You might've noticed that the overuse of the word 'crush' and choosing to focus on the physical aspect of attraction here is a poor attempt at a euphemism. I mean some of them are simple crushes, as for the others... past a certain point, still calling them crushes is just denial on my part. I'm basically fooling myself.)

“This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'this is a Large Crisis'.” (Blackadder Goes Forth, ep. 6)

[spiderdramaqueen]

i’ve been thinking about this for some time now, but after watching mumbo’s new episode i just can’t hold this thought in anymore. so. hear me out.

what if ren doesn’t feel any guilt about what he did as a king of the hermitcraft?

[DISCLAIMER: 1) in this essay i talk about rendog’s character/minecraft persona, NOT ABOUT CONTENT CREATOR;

2) i’m not trying to make ren look evil or to make anyone think he has any ill intentions towards other hermits. i just found the thought about ren not feeling guilty interesting and decided to dwell on it for a little bit just for fun.]

back to the topic.

yeah, we can all agree, that it seems kinda out of character, at the first sight. after all, ren is a kind soul, always ready to help his friends out and all that jazz. but i think there’s much more to it.

firstly, let’s go back to rentheking dethronement. episode 20 of ren’s season 9. when hermits find out their diamonds are nowhere to be found, ren just... changes the subject. he doesn’t try to explain everything or fix it, no. he just goes on about how he will banish himself to the cage of shame, and then quickly leaves the scene.

later on, he indeed spends some time in said cage and seems to regret his actions.

hermits forgive him pretty quickly tho. and there probably wouldn’t be a need to doubt ren’s sincerity, unless...

let’s move forward to hermitcraft/empires crossover. episode 21. after going through the rift, ren is awake in the grave, where’s “the kings of old” are supposed to lie. upon hearing about that from pixl, ren says: “i’m not a king anymore, they took it away from me”.

even tho ren didn’t confront pixl directly, it seems pretty obvious that ren is upset and salty about the fact that he was dug out of the grave by pixl. he expresses his annoyance about it many times to viewers and other emperors. he even sells his giblets to emperors just to piss pixl off, because ren knows he would want to collect them all.

“thou he is a gentleman and a scholar, i think doctor pixlriffs needs to pay an annoying price for exhuming us a few weeks back. don’t you guys agree? i mean, seriously, it was so peaceful and quiet in that tomb before he rudely awakened us from the dead”, - rendog in ep 23

“he [pixlriffs] awakaned me from a deathly slumber; i was fast-asleep in a tomb, having a lovely time in the afterlife, he ripped me asunder from my slumber” - ren to shubble in ep 24

why are you upset about being dug out of the king’s grave, ren? is it because when you lie in the grave that is supposed to be the last resting place for the kings of old, at least you’re still considered to be a monarch? do you miss your kingship that much that you would prefer to be a dead king rather than alive peasant?

well, you can say, this proves nothing. yeah, he might be missing his time as a king, what’s about that?

let’s talk about ren’s reaction to other hermits bringing up his past deeds.

when keralis brings up missing diamonds in ep 26 and blames king, ren immediatly denies his responsibility. when keralis presses, he is quick to accept his guilt and turn the whole conversation into a joke. what could cause such reaction? one could say, that maybe he feels so much shame, that it’s hard for him to even listen about what he’s done, but what if he just can’t accept his defeat? what if he thinks he’s in the right?

let’s hear out what ren has to say about his kingship.

“i was just telling sausage, pixl, that a great and wonderous king used to live here, before he was dishonorably removed”, - ren to sausage and pixl in mythicalsausage’s empires s2ep33

and, finally, the dialogue between mumbo and ren in mumbo’s ep 7:

mumbo: i mean, are you happy with what you did as king? it sounds like... you weren’t the best king

ren: i was a great king to start with, i sorted out hermitcraft economy, and then, mumbo, they partied in my private area and that just changed everything.

all things considered, i don’t believe ren feels any kind of remorse about his time as a king. he calls his king self a great king. he blames hermits for his downfall and spiral of madness. he thinks his dethronement was unfair.

he misses his kingship.

...or maybe he’s just being dramatic and i hyperfixate and think too much

[manysmallhands]

FearOfMu21c #13

The Mountain Goats - This Year (from Dilaudid EP)

Released - March 21 2005

Highest uk chart position - Did not chart

Spotify streams to date - 38,517,436

The Mountain Goats are a pick-up from the Peoples Pop polls, an artist who I kept hearing in small doses and thinking “that’s good, who’s that?” until eventually I brought myself listen to them at length and found out that yes, they are in fact very good indeed. Sadly, we have yet to put This Year to a vote and now - in the twilight of the polls - it’s starting to look like that may never happen. Which would be a great shame in my opinion, cos it’s one of their most popular tunes and with excellent reason. 

Like many of the best TMG songs, John Darnielle takes an unsettling scene (a drunken date followed by a family blow up) and turns it into something to draw strength from. There’s tension in the lyric, even through its more cheerful passages, but the general feeling of the song remains one of warmth and good spirits. The acoustic guitar has a dashing vibe to it; the tapped percussion recalls girl group handclaps; all of this emphasises a kind of joy rescued from the jaws of chaos, marked most clearly by its singalong chorus: “I am gonna make it thru this year if it kills me”. While “the scene ends badly as you might imagine” it’s almost impossible for me to listen to This Year without a broad smile on my face: if the sheer defiance of its mood doesn’t get to me then the wit of the lyrics never fails.

But perhaps the real mark of its greatness is the universality with which it connects to its audience. The YouTube comments on This Year contains long tributes to how the song pulled listeners thru divorce, grief, life threatening illness and severe depression, while the chorus becomes a mantra in itself, allowing us to focus on the feasting and dancing in Jerusalem and be ready for the bad things to come. While my own life tends towards perpetual low-key discomfort these days rather than that kind of acute crisis, This Year taps into the strain and dark humour of just about hanging on in a way that still feels extremely evocative. If I ever fall back into full on panic then I guess I’ll know where to go.

[mycastlescrumblingdown]

debut tracks 1-5 review

TIM MCGRAW

as I was listening this time and really thinking about it, this song is so "rainy cloudy morning in a field of flowers near the lake". the music video really captured this, imo. also, is the letter real? if so, I would LOVE to read it.

I wonder what song she was referencing. and I do indeed think of Taylor when I think tim mcgraw.

as for the song itself, it feels like nostalgia. I think this is kind of a common theme on debut. I don't think it's really anything special.

score: 6/10

points for style, chorus, verses, instrumentals, vocals, pretty privilege

favorite lyric: he said the way my blue eyes shined put those Georgia stars to shame that night, I said "that's a lie"

PICTURE TO BURN

so many childhood memories of this song!! and you know what? it's still AMAZING

i wouldn't say the lyrics are superb in the traditional way, but they've got their own charm and I am HERE for it. this song also reminds me of the color orange (probably because fire) and it is the epitome of singing vengefully in a car

I also love the rage in her voice. and the pettiness in "there's nothing stopping me from going out with all o' your best friands" (I know it's spelled wrong but that's how she says it and this is my post soo)

(side note: my cat will NOT stop climbing on my keyboard. ughhhhh why)

score: 6/10

points for style, personal bias, chorus, verses, instrumentals, and vocals

favorite lyric: STUPID OLD pickup truck you never let me drive

TEARDROPS ON MY GUITAR

this song is also so nostalgic for me. and she sounds really nice on this song. she also writes so eloquently about a high school crush. like, debut is by no means her best work (lyrically) but wow does she still write very well.

I also think it's pretty funny that the cover for the holiday ep is from the tdomg music video (which is GORGEOUS, by the way)

and she really called drew out by name lol

score: 6/10

points for style, personal bias, chorus, instrumentals, vocals, pretty privilege

favorite lyric: he's the time taken up but there's never enough

A PLACE IN THIS WORLD

this one HITS for me and I honestly don't understand some of the hate it gets. her voice sounds a little shaky and stuff, but that's just debut for you.

anyways, I associate this one with I hate it here from ttpd. don't know why.

the lyric I feel really resonates me is "i'll be wrong, but life goes on". I really need to remember that sometimes.

also, wouldn't it be funny if this was the origin for those annoying "im literally just a girl" memes?

score: 4/10

points for style, personal bias, chorus, and instrumentals

fav lyric: I'll be strong, i'll be wrong. oh but life goes on

COLD AS YOU

i LOVE this one. Taylor at age 14-16 is really writing better than I do currently (speaking of which, you should go read my book on Wattpad called sockpuppet)

with the self promo out of the way (I'm sorry about that) I can go back to the song.

i associate this one closely with the outside, in that I used to get them mixed up A LOT. "you put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey" reminds me of dear john. like a lot. and, in turn, coney island

also, the lyric "but you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you" relates to peace "all these people think love's for show, but I would die for you in secret" and I think that shows a lot of character growth.

on a completely different note, tayor sounds SO country on this song. she was really letting that twang out and if I don't hear that on the rerecording I might cry

she also sounds so upset and I love that in a song

score: 7/10

points for lyrics, style, personal bias, chorus, verses, instrumentals, vocals

fav lyric: "so you come away with a great little story//of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you" OR "so I start a fight cause I need to feel something//and you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted" OR "no use defending words that you will never say"

[bourbon-ontherocks]

okay now for the meat of the matter (the seitan of the matter?) 🪥🪥🪥 oh, what an ep. what an ep. it was pretty much PER-FECT. excitedly talking about their date in hushed tones. morgane’s gift. le numéro de charme de mr. worldwide (you loved that bit, didn’t you 👀). adam opening up! and, yeah, the kiss--wherever he is, I know sofiane is smiling upon them, glad to have played a (weird) part in his brother getting some action, lmfao. (btw, little brother confirmed!! yay!!) 

morgane’s betrayal, aouch aouch aouch 😍 she hated every second of it and it still came back to bite them in the ass. wonderfully angsty 💙💜 the way adam’s face falls when he figures it out, AURGH!! the fact she sabotaged their perfect date to protect serge the only way that wouldn’t make her, in adam’s eyes, Un Nid À Problèmes who needs constant assistance--and in the end her worst fear comes true--yet adam takes it upon himself to protect serge (and morgane by extension) because he may hate her guts but he can’t to that to her--she asks him not to as a last-ditch effort to show she doesn’t want to use him and aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! I died many times over the course of this show but that time was for real, absolultely perfect, elle n’a jamais voulu le blesser mais c’est terminé, morgane !!!!!!!!  

thank fuck I died there and then actually because, hum. you know. let’s bask in the warm glow of brosse adam one last time and remember the rollercoaster of emotions they’ve taken us on 🥲

Lol, took me a while to understand why you were turning the meat into seitan but then I couldn't stop laughing, this is incredibly appropriate 😅

So. Yeah.

I'm not sure I have anything else to add to everything you said, because Brosse Adam's arc in this episode was. perfect. ❤️❤️❤️

(which makes it even more infuriating that they ruined the absolute, beautiful perfection of what would have been otherwise my favourite episode in the entire show in its last two minutes but I'll get to that in my next post)

I loved how cute and excited they were about the date, I loved Morgane's gift and the way Adam is already projecting onto seeing her kids more often ("ça va être pratique pour votre famille, ça" -> oui tu penses à quoi Adam, dis-nous tout ? 😏), I loved the almost kiss although I rolled my eyes a little about Mehdi Nebbou's blatant linguistic brag (what makes you think I'd love that bit? 😂 Although I can tell that @earanie understandably lost her shit about it, I remained much quieter than during the actual kiss lol. Oh by the way, Adam's line in Italian means "But Morgane, if you keep asking me such questions I'm gonna kiss you" if you didn't have it yet, and also I want to add that IL L'A VOUVOYÉE EN ITALIEN AUSSI 😱 while as far as I know, the formal you is less used in Italian than in French, especially in this context, ce mec me tue 🤦), I loved the nachos nonsense (was it supposed to be a dish or just appetizers?), I loved that he opened up indeed (also "on va jouer à un jeu [...]" "Je déteste ça." "Ok super" 😂😂😂), c'est le retour du nouvel Adam 🥲

What did you think about Sofiane's backstory? I know you weren't very into the idea of Adam being too tied with it re cheap guilt etc, personally I find that it's a bit much, but also you can tell that Adam is feeling unreasonably guilty about it.

Speaking of which. Sofiane broke his back while Adam was "kissing [his] first girlfriend" which must have cast a very dark shadow over EVERY relationship he's had ever since 😱 I can imagine that this is where his fear of intimacy comes from, and also he must have had a sense of shame and guilt dooming his whole love life, not to mention that he used to LIVE with Sofiane, can you imagine bringing a girl home and having to literally face what happened the very first time you did that? This man for sure has a taste for emotional torture 😏

Also, vous aussi vous mettez votre plus grand trauma comme mot de passe de votre PC pro ou c'est juste lui ? Asking for a friend... 😆

(and I never doubted the younger brother thing, Sofiane does look more juvenile than Adam)

Now the Kiss™... If I start talking about it we're still there by midnight, but phewwwwww, it was EVERYTHING ❤️😍😱🥵🔥🙊 Morgane can bear triplets in season 4 for what I care, as far as I'm concerned, the show ended after they kissed and she betrayed him. Period.

So, the betrayal. Screeching along with everything you said because DAMN YES, it hurts so bad but it's so perfectly angsty, and the fact that he still protects her in the end because HE STILL CARES, her asking him NOT TO, the way you can tell the break-up hurts them BOTH so bad, the IRONY of Morgane trying not to ruin things by actually ruining them, I'm sorry I'm just parroting you at this point but 🥹🥹🥹🥹 And also the line that shattered my heart, "J'avais tellement envie que ça marche entre nous" -> SHE'S OPENLY ADMITTING THAT SHE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM OH MY GOD IT WAS NICE KNOWING Y'ALL BUT NOW I'M GONNA DIE BYE ⚰️⚰️⚰️

As far as I'm concerned, the season ends with Morgane being dragged away by a fireman. Hospital who?

🤡🤡 What an amazing, heart-wrenching season finale we had guys, I can't wait to see how they'll try to mend their relationship in season 4!! Also, the stakes must raise so maybe they'll finally hookup too! 🤡🤡

[danbisroom]

Ep. 2 - Wolves and stormy seas

Hello everyone,

welcome if you’re new and welcome back if you’re not! This is another episode of Danbi’s Room, your weekly dose of safe space. Grab a cup of something warm to drink and get yourself cosy.

First of all, I hope you’re all doing well! Have you spent a nice week?

When answering this question, always remember that resting is important, too and that we can’t always give our 100%. And also that sometimes we get lost, be it physically or mentally. To focus again and get back on track we need to stop, to pause. That’s actually a very good thing to do and it is much more common and frequent than you would tend to suppose. If you try to think carefully about your everyday life you will notice we’re constantly reevaluating and adjusting. Of course that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make plans at all or that commitment doesn’t matter: it’s just a way to underline that the improvisation and the score are equally important when dancing on this music that we call life. And this process is just another window on our multiple beautiful facets and on our constant state of change. We’re always changing. Now, we can either be victims of the inexorable transformations and variations or we can own them, welcome them and love them. I’d choose the second option, wouldn’t you? Yeah, I know, it is difficult. It’s quite scary most of time, especially in the beginning of the acceptance of this ever-flowing river into our existence. And trust me, the very second you believe the biggest waterfall has just passed there’s already another tortuous chasm awaiting you. With this I don’t mean to scare you, I really don’t. I’m talking about it because we don’t have to do it all alone by ourselves! We need to flow together and rest on each other’s shoulders together. We need to enjoy this stormy powerful sea together. Right?

I have to admit that even these thoughts…you know I didn’t do it all by myself. And that’s okay and totally normal. We are a result of everything and everyone that has crossed our path. You see? It’s all of us again, working together, living together. Breathing the same air and looking at the same sky. We must always remember to see through the eyes of love, to not let our hearts lock themselves in cages. You see, oftentimes pur past haunts us, and unluckily we can’t do much about it. Again, not alone. I know, frequently we feel like we can’t trust what’s around us and we also feel we can’t trust our ability to fly away if the branch on which we’re sitting breakes. Nevertheless, we can learn. Slowly but surely.

This is why I’ll tell you a story.

Once there was a little girl. She felt lonely and misunderstood by everybody. One day she meets a beautiful wolf. They become close, the little girl feels so relieved and understood and happy. But that wolf soon shows who he really is: a wounded energy-sucker who uses his open lesions of insecurity to project his pain onto others. He manipulates. He had built a cage around himself and he tries to build one around everybody else. The little girl suffers a lot for years, but then she finally manages to break completely free, with the help of her loved ones. She’s changed, she’s better, but now she’s afraid of wolves. It’s indeed a shame to feel so wary of these wonderful, majestic animals who populate the sumptuous mountains of her homeland. But what can she do? She waits. She goes on. One day she meets another wolf. She keeps her distance, even though he seems completely different from from the first one she had met before. He seems loving, warm. Honest. True. She still doesn’t give him much thought. Until one day, after many sleepless nights, he appears before her eyes. She suddenly feels warm and loved, she feels everything is okay and will be okay. She feels true love, as deep as the ocean, as vast as the universe. She feels the well known loyalty of the wolves. She feels a cosy big hug protecting her. She’s happy.

What does this mean? That a rotten apple can’t have the power of making you dislike apples.

It means that the world is still beautiful, that life is worth it, that love exists, despite all the ugly things. After all, they’re part of the game, too. Everything must be balanced, and nothing good comes without effort. But I can’t stress this enough, share. Share joy and share sorrow. We’re a tribe, we’re a pack. We’re love.

I’ll leave you with this thought. Let me know your opinion!

Have a beautiful week, big hug!

With love, yours,

Danbi