#a poly relationship isn’t complete without another husband

[manilamanilal]

Uzuiren Thread 🔆

this artwork is a thread so you guys might wanna wait for the next panels hahaha

(can anyone from @ufotable make them canon already like - crumbs aren’t enough kinda… but still we want more! HAHAHA)

[lale-txt]

🌙 waking up at night without you by their side ↳ w/ Kid, Rayleigh, Denjiro & Yamato

a/n: another draft that's been sitting here since forever. in the light you go!! love me some lighthearted fluff. slightly suggestive + poly mention for Rayleigh (i feel like i'm putting this ALWAYS when writing Rayleigh omg) also sending kisses to all my anons swooning over Yamato. i know i don't write him that much but wanted to include him here for you ♡ i always love reading about your undying love for him, it's the purest thing.

Kid 

how dare you leave his side while he’s sleeping

don’t you know about your big spoon duties which involve holding him tenderly from behind, rubbing his back and making sure your arms are constantly wrapped around him all the time? 

Kid huffs when he wakes up with his back cold and your side of the bed empty

were you going for a midnight snack without him? didn’t you know that he was also craving shredded cheese at 3am? was your relationship a lie the whole time? 

no he’s not being dramatic why do you ask

or did you miss a step of your skin care routine and went back to the bathroom to do it again? he told you countless times that it didn’t work that way…

he throws back the covers and gets up, his red hair a mess and barely held together by the cat ear hairband you once gifted him 

Kid’s first instinct when he’s in trouble is to consult Killer so they can be in trouble together, so naturally he stomps down the hall to Killer’s cabin and doesn’t bother knocking, just bursts in like the Kool Aid man 

he lets out a surprised gasp when Killer isn’t sleeping peacefully in his bed but playing cards with you, Heat and Wire – very wide awake 

before Kid’s face can turn the color of his hair, you already kick out a chair for the tulip and gesture him to sit his ass down so you can explain

“see… on the last island when we stocked up on supplies Killer didn’t buy decaf coffee like ne normally does but regular… and since everyone but you drinks coffee–” “because it’s BAD for your skin, but no one ever listens to me” “–all of us have just been unable to fall asleep.”

Kid rolls his eyes and continues huffing, but also pulls you in his lap and wrap his arm around you, falling asleep with his head resting against yours as you continue your game

but no more coffee for you after 2pm, decaf or not. the big spoon rule book got updated, you gotta keep up duh

Rayleigh

even in his sleep Rayleigh reaches for you, wanting to hug you close to him, only content when he can nuzzle his face in the back of your neck

so when his hand pats into empty space, he’s suddenly awake, mumbling out your name into the dark 

first thing he does is turn on the light on the nightstand and reach for his glasses because he can’t see shit without them

still fighting off sleep, he takes a moment to reconstruct last night, smiling over it. no, you definitely fell asleep in his arms after you both finished… several times

actually he could go another round now that he was awake, but someone was missing…

it’s when he hears muffled voices coming from downstairs that he calls out your name again, louder this time

“we’re in the kitchen!”

we? … oh

with his observation haki never failing him, Rayleigh realizes within a heartbeat now what is going on

following your laughter he finds you in the kitchen… accompanied by a very familiar face

“Ray, I must say your taste is exquisite as always…”

Shakky cups your face, a cigarette dangling from her lips, as she beams at her husband leaning in the doorframe

“i think I’m in love with your wife”, you sigh dreamily, melting under her touch and gazing up to her with puppy eyes, completely encharmed by her 

Rayleigh ruffles his white hair and just smirks. he was about to introduce you anyway, so this makes things much easier now

he comes closer and places kisses on both of your cheeks. this night just got so much more interesting… 

Denjiro

Denjiro is always a little sleepy and would pass out within a heartbeat wherever and whenever, but preferably with you by his side, pulling you close even in his sleep

so why were his arms empty right now?

long blue hair is spilled all over the futons and usually by now you would complain because you’re getting tangled up in it 

rubbing his eyes he sits up, he murmurs out your name into the dim light of your shared room 

Denjiro isn’t too worried, he knows what you’re capable off, otherwise the yakuza boss wouldn’t have married you. he twists the golden band on his ring finger absentmindedly as he’s slowly forcing himself to wake up properly

it’s when he notices the gentle breeze coming through the open sliding door leading to the veranda and he immediately knows where to look for you

throwing the blanket over his shoulders he gets up, already making out your silhouette in the milky moonlight as you sit there huddled up, looking over your shoulder when you hear his footsteps approaching

“Den… you gotta see this…” 

your excited whisper and gestures to keep quiet had him curious, but more than that he was just happy to see you smiling

Denjiro sits down behind you and pulls you in his lap, wrapping his big arms and the blanket around you and kissing the side of your neck. you’re cold but feel warmth tingling in your limbs immediately under his touch

“what is it, little moonshine?”, he whispers and rests his chin on top of your head. you almost disappear in his embrace due the size difference and wiggle yourself in a comfortable position, the tip of your nose and your curious eyes peeking out from the blanket 

“snow bunnies”, you say softly and point to the garden where a pair of white bunnies frolic around in the falling snow, almost invisible for the eyes

Denjiro smiles and leans down to kiss you again. love is stored in the little things, you taught him that. and soon he falls asleep again, holding you tightly as he drifts into dreams of you, but none sweeter than the reality he gets to live with you

Yamato

personal space? not in this house 

Yamato usually sleeps sprawled out like a starfish and rotates in his sleep like a beyblade

but it’s fine because you adjusted to that! nothing can stop you from cuddling your big golden retriever boyfriend in his sleep

so when he wakes up at night and doesn’t feel your familiar weight on top of him it just sends him into straight up panic

in an attempt to turn the lights on he gets tangled up in the sheets and stumbles, taking down the lamp and everything else on the nightstand with him 

he’s calling out your name and trying not to cry on the spot

did you have a bad dream and he didn’t notice? were you somewhere crying on your own? his heart couldn’t take the thought of it. 

this was even worse than the one time he lost you at the supermarket in the candy aisle and he had to make an announcement over speaker which was mostly him sobbing into the microphone

his brain still lagging from the sleepiness and shock, Yamato doesn’t notice how you squat down next to him, picking off various nightstand items (tissues, crystals, harness…) off him 

“Yams, just what are you doing down there? were you sleepwalking? i knew this would become an issue one day…”

cut to Yamato sobbing in your arms because for three hot minutes he thought he had lost you forever 

which is when you kindly explain him that nature called and you only went to the bathroom but would have returned into his arms straight away

however you can never hold back tears as well when you see Yamato crying and now you’re both on the floor sobbing as you hold each other tenderly 

only when he kisses away the salty streaks you both calm down a little and can laugh about the situation

ever since you leave a little note out when you have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and make sure to snuggle extra close to him once you return, making Yamato smile even in his sleep

[gveret-fic]

Alright HtN final thoughts

Similarly to the last book, I’m overstimulated to all hell and back. Gideon is my favorite protagonist of all time, no question. The sheer endorphin rush I get reading her cracking jokes and being insufferable is just bonkers. I started this book with 2 spoilers, without which I might never have even started this book: 1) there was Gideon content in HtN, and 2) there was multiple Gideons content in HtN. On the first point, I’m more than satisfied; I’m currently buzzing with how ecstatic that was as a reading experience. On the second, Gideon 1.0 was a boring lump of dude lmao, the only interesting thing about him was his bodyswap poly relationship with Better Gideon’s mom, which, wow. What a 10,000 year old soap opera. So that was disappointing, but you know what, one Gideon is really enough.

The vast majority of this book was a miserable slog and it genuinely hurt to read to the point where I don’t know that I can recommend this experience to anyone who isn’t already a huge fan. Yeah, the payoff was massive and I was played like a perfect little fiddle, but I don’t approve of the tune. I think Muir could’ve cut out a good third of the book and at the very least 50% of the relentless torture she put Harrow through and it would have still been effective. I still have a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t have a problem with difficult or hurtful stories and I’m not trying to invoke any moralistic outrage here, but that wasn’t what I expected or frankly could have prepared for coming out of the (drastically tonally different) first book and I do believe it was excessive. It was blow after blow after blow to an isolated, terrified, pointedly disabled protagonist with no single moment of relief, comfort or connection until the fucking reveal and I don’t want it, thanks.

Okay that’s enough about that. Now the rest of it.

I really tried to care about the new characters, but no dice. God had his moments, but we haven’t really seen him do too much interesting shit. Ianthe was fucking excellent, though I really really didn’t want her to be. The rest were dead boring, I’m sorry. The blasphemous makeouts were their only redeeming moment. When we finally got some Palamedes and Cam, I could have cried. Wish we could have spent more time with them, but I have high hopes for the next book. Ortus, surprisingly, was awesome! I wish him a happy afterlife with his poetic legendary husband. Also he did nothing wrong and all that nonsense about finally fighting for what’s important yada yada was pure military propaganda, let the man write lengthy poetry about his ghost boyfriend in peace. Dulcinea was a fucking badass! So happy she got a chance to shine, and to say ‘nyah!’ Abigail was also fantastic. Well that whole section of the book had me swimming in endorphins so maybe it isn’t saying much, but I fucking loved them, I fucking loved how much Harrow cared about them, Harrow, who had been an emotionally depleted husk throughout most of the book, now showing the most heartrending vulnerability and care for this little found ghost family and practically rotating through them one by one to apologize in the most terrible, gutpunching way, and finally being told not everything in the whole fucking world is her goddamn fault. This is the only reason I was able to accept no Gideon reunion, not even a single word between them. I’ve been yearning for hundreds of pages for Harrow to find human connection and care, and I’m so happy these are the people she found it with.

Gideon. I’m like tearing up right now just thinking about this. After the endless tedium, suffering, emotional disconnect to the point where characters dying horribly seemed insignificant against the backdrop of unrelenting despair, to have that vibrant, wonderful, dumbass motherfucking voice back---it was beyond cathartic. I reread every single line multiple times and I still don’t think I’ve wrung em fully dry. It was amazing. The personality dripping off the page, the immediate chemistry with any character living or dead or dull as rock, the blatant, beautiful disrespect for the sombre self importance of the whole preceding narrative. It was my favorite character crashing into one of my least favorite books, and making it awesome. I think a lot of people try to write a Gideon, and most of the time the result is completely unbearable, and I’d posit there’s 2 reasons for this: 1) they tragically, mistakenly make their Gideon a man, and 2) they just aren’t funny. Of course an unfunny Gideon would be unbearable. Of course a funny but emotionally vacant Gideon would be dull. But this Gideon is a fucking delight with a real heartfelt gooshy selfless vulnerable yearning center, and every line I got to spend with her was a rush.

Harrow and Gideon. Oof. I’ve been going back and forth on whether I shipped them, whether I even could, whether it was the intention at all. But like, come on. This is clearly a love story. It’s a love story from start to finish, and it’s cool that it got me to doubt that so sincerely when it’s just this level of ride and die, jump into hell, carve out your brain, share a body and preserve its modesty against your every instinct and not even make any jokes about it, universe crossing, death defying, soul melding level of mushy ass romance. Harrow fucking kept Gideon’s shitty sunglasses wrapped in a love note. She did find&replace on her whole personality. She kissed Ianthe. I remember the first time I watched Revolutionary Girl Utena, where almost every other episode would begin with a lil fairytail backstory recap telling you about the little girl who saw a prince and was so enamored she decided to become a prince too. And you believe that narrative, because why wouldn’t you? It’s a stylized repetitive fairytale at the start of a show. Why would it lie? And then you find out, at the very end, that it wasn’t the cool manly prince who precipitated all of this, but baby Utena witnessing another young girl in pain, and deciding then and there that she was going to grow up and help her. And she does, even if she can’t remember why.

This was that level of paradigm shift for me. Harrow and her pile of letters and rules and her obsession and her nauseating work ethic, what was she doing?? Saving the world? Fixing a broken timeline? Trying to unlock unlimited power, bring back the corpse in the locked tomb, serve her god and emperor? Nope! She was just trying to keep her big beautiful dumbass girlfriend a little bit alive. 

Yeah. It’s a fucking love story.

Random thoughts: I liked Harrow’s grudge against food and the word ‘pommel’. I liked the diminishing ages Mercy inflicted upon her. I liked the first/second person shenanigans, tho really, there’s no way that was Gideon’s voice, first of all, there was way too much anatomical knowledge there. (Gideon’s secretly a time traveling bone doctor, calling it now). I liked the fanfic AUs, and very sad we didn’t get a fake dating one or like a nice “there was only one bed”. Not gonna mention soulmate AUs cuz that’s just canon.

That was a ride. Coulda done without some parts of it, but don’t regret it one bit. Let’s see what kinda nonsense the next one brings!

[akinkypolywelshgeek]

I’m with them

Polyamory seems to be one of those topics that a lot of people have many preconceived notions about - a lot of which are completely wrong. You will probably already be forming an image in your mind of what my life is like based on the fact that I'm not monogamous. I can tell you now that I am not having group sex or mad orgies. My life does not revolve around sex - yes, I enjoy it and have a high sex drive but that is not related to polyamory. I'm not cheating on anyone or sleeping around behind anyone's back. I don't have sex with everyone I meet. I don't have an open relationship.   I'm not a swinger or into partner swapping are there poly relationships like this? Yes, of course - and many many many more variations as well. I have been married to my husband, Jack, for 16 years and we've been together for 20. We have a girlfriend, Lucy, and she's been with us for 11 years. So you can forget any notion that I have commitment issues. There was nothing missing in our relationship before Lucy joined us, never a sense of incompleteness; Lucy added an extra dynamic, an extra layer that we didn't know was even possible. Jack and Lucy were engaged in a BDSM relationship for a few months - a non-sexual relationship at that. That's a whole other dynamic to our relationship that isn't pertinent to poly and can be discussed at another point. We had a few threesomes during that time and I also watched them play. I still remember the day Jack sat down with me, serious face on and said "You've got something on your mind, it's about Lucy and if I know you, I know what you're thinking so just come out and tell me so I can tell you you're right." And I told him I thought I was falling for her. And he was too. We sat down with Lucy and talked about things and started dating. A few months later she moved in with us. I am in a closed, poly, triad. There has never been any talk of bringing a fourth person in, or of any of us having a relationship with another person outside of our group. If there's anything you want to have clarification on or are simply just curious - please ask me and the chances are I will answer. But, really, the main thing is that we're no different than any straight, monogamous couple - it's just that there's three of us, rather than two. The one thing I can tell you is that I love both of them fiercely and cannot imagine my life without either of them in it

[soraegeeks]

Review: Fire in the Blood

Fire in the Blood by EllaBesmirched (El_Bell)  AU: Fantasy Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Main relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto; Katsuki and his harem of  spouses Status: Ongoing Rating: Explicit

Official summary:

For the first time in his life, Shouto Todoroki thinks he might be happy. Freed from his father's rule by the hand of his husband and now king, Shouto finds himself swept up in his lovers' embrace, the impending threat of a powerful necromancer and his undead pet with a grudge little more than a distant anxiety easily ignored for the miracle that is being loved by Katsuki and Izuku, and watching them love each other. But, as he feared, such happiness can't last. 

The Todoroki kingdom has fallen, sending its monarchs retreating to the mountains for shelter and aid. With the Todorokis unseated, Katsuki finds the threat of war on his eastern border more dangerous than ever before. A mad man has taken the Todoroki kingdom and he won't rest until the whole world lies broken at his feet. Tomura Shigaraki must be stopped, but the new alliance forged between the barbarian conqueror and the disgraced flatland king is tenuous at best. As tensions mount, Shouto finds himself trapped between two levees-- on one side, his kingdom, his blood, and his legacy, on the other, his lovers, his home, and the family that made him theirs. And he has no idea where he will be standing when the floodwaters break.

Hello kids, today's review is another fanfic by EllaBesmirched. (I need to figure out another name for my readers but that’s a problem for another day LOL) Fire In The Blood, also known as ‘Todoroki Shouto Can't Catch a Damn Break’ or ‘Welcome to the Fucked-up Todoroki Show’, is the sequel to Elle’s other work Fire in the Mountains. Check out my review of that fic if you haven't read it before or need a refresher. 

Let me start by saying that I have no idea what it is about Ella’s writing but EVERY TIME I sit down to review her stuff I end up with pages and pages of notes. I have 8 damn pages of notes in my notebook for this review alone. Insanity. LOL

The story opens on a beautiful Spring day where Katsuki and his extended family are enjoying a picnic. It’s peaceful, it’s fun, and then Shouto gets the surprise of his life when his birth family appears. The Todoroki Kingdom has fallen and the Todoroki family, along with Hawks and the Iida siblings, have fled for their lives. When your birth family unexpectedly shows up on your doorstep you know there’s a shitstorm brewing.

I drew this polycule diagram so I could explain this story to my husband. The look of confusion on his face tickled me so much and I knew I had to keep it and add it to my review.

Intimacy growth

As the story starts it’s been about a month since Katsuki and Shouto’s joining ceremony. About a month since Shouto started being intimate with Katsuki and Izuku. Touching is still a big thing for Shouto and he probably would have burned Hawks when he touched his shoulder in chapter 1 had others not been around. He almost freaked out when Mina, Kiri, and Denki wanted to more intimately touch him in chapter 2 but he seemed to be more open to platonic touching.

Like I mentioned in my review of FitM, between Shouto’s upbringing and his demisexuality, he's still working on wanting to be intimate and accepting that it's okay. And that there are different levels of intimacy that he's learning with Mina in chapter 1, Denki in chapter 9, Kiri in chapter 5. 

Chapter 5 was all-encompassing in my brain. I'm overwhelmed (in a good way) about Todoroki and Kiri connecting. Kiri helped Shouto open himself to other types of love. Like Katsuki said in a previous chapter, Shouto was caged in his upbringing. He wasn't given the room to learn human interaction. So when Shouto finds Kiri in their room, they have a mutual understanding. They both have broken familial relationships and a mutual connection with family members hating Katsuki. Shouto let Kiri in and learned more about himself and Kiri helped him see that it's okay to want sexual pleasure and not just “need” it. And Kiri was able to receive pleasure and not be treated like a sex toy in the way that others have treated him. It was beautiful how they connected and I loved that Kiri called Shouto his "soulmate’s soulmate.” They strengthened and developed another bond and that’s especially needed in a poly family.

Shouto had so much growth in chapter 9. The fact that he finally feels like he belongs and he was able to act on more of his desires. Being able to indulge in a dominant role with Katsuki, sexual activity with Denki, and acknowledge that he sees something in Mina and Ochako. His younger self would never have seen 21-year-old Shouto this way LOL. I read Shouto as having a “power” kink. He was always under Enji’s thumb but taking everything he learned from his experiences with Denki, Kiri, Katsuki, and Izuku, and even listening to Ochako were power-ups for him. Baby Dom in the making! Speaking of experiences, shoutout to Izuku for topping from the bottom. Whoo.

I feel bad for our poor baby Shouto. He’s still burdened with feeling ashamed about his scars. And he realized that he never asked Izuku about his scars because he assumed that Izuku had the same shame. Forgetting that scars are celebrated in the Outlands. Someone help the baby’s self-esteem!

I related to how Shouto reacted the first time he spoke with Hitoshi. After growing up in a cage and never having anything that was just HIS (not his feelings, not his thoughts) I’d feel violated and freak out, too. I don’t like people in my head and I’d never want someone in my head uninvited. Thankfully, Hitoshi's interaction with Denki put Shouto a little more at ease. I like Elle’s interpretation of Hitoshi as a mystic and his quirk as the magical ability to read thoughts/see emotions. 

I found the references to Katsuki periodically taking a submissive role very interesting. While he’s comfortable during the act, Katsuki wasn’t so comfortable letting other people know. In chapter 1 he was uneasy when he, Shouto, and Izuku were talking about it out at the picnic and again in chapter 9 when Denki barged in on him and Shouto. Ochako's "domineering" qualities were referenced a few times and I love it. It's a recurring theme we also see in FitM and in the side story where Katsuki seems afraid of her and yet intrigued and turned on.

Family

Shouto is learning, growing, and trying to balance his newfound family with what he feels he ‘owes’ to his birth family. At first, he didn’t want to ‘traumatize’, his sister and brother about his family situation, but then he said, ‘fuck it’ LOL. He “realized politics and formality could take a flying leap for all he cared.” These are his loves and everyone will have to accept it. (Note that I DO include Izuku as one of Katsuki’s spouses. I know that he technically isn’t but he’s Katsuki’s first love so that counts for me. LOL)  Shouto’s wedded family were very welcoming and looked to include Shouto’s birth family. Katsuki, in a totally Katsuki way, set the tone by telling Shouto’s siblings they shouldn't refer to him by title. “Nah, fuck that shit. Don’t highness me, I don’t play that bullshit with family.” And of course, Denki runs with it to flirt with Natsuo. I cackled when Shouto threatened him to behave, “I will freeze you to your seat, Denki, I swear it.” Katsuki, again, showed how much of a sweetheart he is when he made sure that Rei had her favorite foods during the Equinox celebration.

The burial ritual was beautifully described and I was so tickled by the narrator’s voice, “it was not, in fact, mostly the same” Shouto was exposed once again to a different tradition that he ended up liking better than the one he was raised on. There was such a sense of warmth with the spouses and extended family. And we got some introspection with Katsuki thinking on how he’d like to die.

I love Shouto’s little trio with Izuku and Katsuki. Their interactions tend to be a combo of chaos and insanity LOL. When Katsuki wants Shouto’s attention he has no problem bumping Izuku out of his way.  “Katsuki reached back and shoved Izuku with his palm across Izuku’s face without moving away from Shouto at all” Like, sir, what?! LOL In pairs they like to tease the other and Izuku is a little shit cause he repeatedly teased Katsuki for liking to be dominated. And bless their hearts when they get into an argument. "We shouldn't yell at each other." Katsuki and Izuku’s baggage makes Izuku nervous but they’re going to have arguments. Katsuki has admitted to trying to be a better man so they’ll get through it. They can be serious and protective like when Katsuki and Isuku stood up to Natsuo because he was being very ‘Enji-like” in criticizing Shouto. And when it comes to Enji’s ass Katsuki comes at him with bite and Izuku meets him with his head raised like an equal.

Shouto’s relationship with his birth family is complicated as hell. Shouto swings from confusion about being relieved that his father was alive and Enji apologizing for not believing their warning about Touya to being pissed at his father for being an ass and asking why Shoto didn't fulfill his spy mission.

Shouto’s birth family members’ responses to his family situation were interesting. Fuyumi being “scandalized” but wanting more details, Natsuo being completely shocked and wary, his mother giggling, and even Enji’s utter disgust. Not like Enji has any room for judgment since he’s having an affair with Hawks. Hypocrite.

Shoto is in such a hard place of wanting to save and return the Flatlands to his family but being loyal to and choosing to follow Katsuki’s decisions.

I can’t speak about family relations without touching on the sadness of chapter 5. In which both Kiri and Shouto felt like they were on the outside. Upon the arrival of the other tribes, Kiri’s facing heartbreak that he’s shunned by his birth family, and Shouto is feeling distant from his. And can we take a moment to address the fact that after all of the spouses grow old and die, Kiri will have to return home? 😞

On a lighter note, is Ochako pregnant with the first baby of the extended family?! 🤔

Shouto’s Childhood

This is such an ouch section. From Shouto’s POV, he's always felt that Touya was unfairly treated. From the moment he learned that Dabi was really Touya he just knew that Dabi was a twisted version of his brother.  But maybe as the youngest, his brotherly image was skewed and he didn't see the real things that happened. 

“And he died before you were. Old enough to figure out if he was worth it.”

Shouto learns from multiple people that Touya was cruel and cared little for other people. Natuso told him that Touya had kidnapped him and took him to a dangerous place an hour away. Not the garden where his 5-year-old mind remembered playing and learning fun magic. 

“He took you to the labyrinth,” Natsuo said again. “He didn’t tell anyone. You were gone for almost a day.”

And his mother, OH MY! To learn that his mother’s mental state was so wrecked that she confused him for his dead older brother and burned him. Heartbreaking. Something that I've been wondering, I don't think that Shigaraki just randomly picked Touya. I'm starting to think that when Touya started dabbling in necromancy they knew each other before his execution

“They didn't believe me when I said he had evil in his heart. Not all the time, of course. Loved his mother, loved his brothers, loved his sister. But. Sometimes. Enough. Set a servant girl's skirts on fire once, when she moved... something of his. Poor girl had a burn on her leg the size of my hand and I. Well. A mother does what she must. I didn't want to, but he needed to know. Know it's not nice to burn someone. Know what it felt like. Before he really hurt someone, you see. Your father was so angry he took my tea kettle away.”

Perceptions of Katsuki as King

There are conflicting views of Katsuki as king. Shouto, from an inside perspective, says that Katsuki is a good man and a great king. (I find it interesting that Hawks says that good men can't be kings.) 

Lady Ashido and the Kaminaris raised a fuss about their kids not being at the meetings assuming that Katsuki thinks they are too weak and he's been tricked by Shoto the  "doxy" (a new word for my commonplace book) and Izuku the usurper. In truth, Katsuki just worries about keeping his spouses safe and happy because he loves them. I cheered Shouto on when he snapped at Lady Ashido.

Izuku warns Shouto that the generals don't have undying loyalty to Katsuki because he conquered the other chiefs and collected the chiefdoms. And that there are snide remarks that he didn't take the chiefdom from Izuku. Tarloh acknowledges that he does have talent, “Man’s a tactical fucking genius. Brain of a king. Heart of a warrior.” They just think that he's young and idealistic. For Katsuki, though, he’d rather be that than anything else. 

“We’re all fucking naive idealist bastards and I’d rather be a fool on a throne with my family beside me than wise and alone and powerless.”

HAWKS

What can I say about Hawks really?! There were so many allusions Elle left throughout the whole story that there is more to Hawks than anyone knows. In Chapter 2, Shouto notices that it is very odd that somehow Hawks hid behind Enji’s bulk when there should not have been a way for that to happen.

What is it about Hawks that really sets Shouto off but no one else?? Shouto is so disturbed by him but no one else sees it and they think Shouto just finds him attractive which he does but there's just something about Hawks that unnerves him. Hawks does a lot of things that don’t seem to make sense. He’s more open with Shouto and seems to hide less of himself when they’re one-on-one but he speaks in riddles. Shouto is the only one who ever sees Hawks’ slight facial or body twitches. 

The quote “he’d seen exactly what Hawks had wanted him to see” says a lot about him. Hawks only does things that benefit Hawks and I sort of wonder if he was so purposely so loud while having sex with Enji.  Shouto remembers in the past that Hawks appeared out of nowhere or was more visible in places than you would think a spymaster wouldn’t.

At the same time, the one person who SHOULD get a read on him can’t. His mind is completely blank to Shinsou and he tries multiple times. All of the sneakiness comes to a head in chapter 11. I won't give that away because it deserves to be experienced in writing. 

I will end this by saying that chapter 11 left me screaming. I felt like this is why we can’t have nice things! LOL (If you’ve already read the chapter and want to talk about it PLEASE hit me up. I need to scream with others! LOL) Shouto’s gonna be a badass ruler when this is all over. If they all make it through the coming storm.

[minyoongleschimjoongles]

Preordained VIII

Pairing(s):Poly!BTSxOC, Sub!BTSxOC,

Warnings: Implied sexual situations, Mentions of sexual situations, implications of Dom/sub relationships. This one gets a little steamy, Jin uses a safeword

Masterlist

Zara stood in the middle of her bedroom in her parent’s on-base house, looking at the barren walls. The call had been sudden, her mother quietly explaining that her father was being relocated once again to Hawaii, where it was likely they’d spend the rest of their days.

Zara, of course, didn’t have to go with them; the fact that they’d been in Korea for so long was already a good enough reason to become a permanent resident. Throw in not one, but Seven Korean Soulmates and Zara’s citizenship was completely secured.

It was the fact that this was the first time she wouldn’t be going with her family that settled heavily in her heart.

“Baby,” Myra Underhill stroked Zara’s hair away from her face, and Zara leaned into the motherly touch. “You’ll see us in a few weeks! Christmas isn’t that far off, you know.”

“I know,” Zara replied. She looked down at the box in her hands; an old pastel yellow baby blanket that Zara’s grandmother had knitted, a couple candles that her mother always burned around the house, her sister’s favorite perfume and photo album of happy memories filled it to the brim. “It just won’t be the same, you know?”

“I know, Baby,” Myra pulled Zara into a hug. “But you’ve got your Soulmate now. That will make it easier for you.”

Zara glanced towards the door, where Namjoon leaned, watching the scene with sad eyes. He’d come with Zara to help her move her family out of the house, skipping all his morning classes to do so. He met her eyes at the singular tense, “Soulmate.”

Zara hadn’t ever told her parents how many Red Strings she had around her wrist, unwilling to seem like a freak to her own parents. She’d explained this to the Seven, and together they decided that either Namjoon or Jin were best suited to portray her Soulmate to her parents. Jin had a test Zara wouldn’t let him dip out on, so that left Namjoon.

“Namjoon-oppa is very helpful,” Zara replied, holding out the box to him. Namjoon took it, pressing a kiss to her temple and making his way down the stairs. 

Myra took her daughter’s arm in her and together they descended the stairs slowly. George Underhill stood talking to Namjoon in the driveway, shaking his hand firmly. The Twins, 18 year olds Scarlet and Edison stood off to the side, hands locked together tightly. Zara heard the words George was saying in broken Korean as they approached.

“And you’ll take care of my little girl?”

Namjoon responded in English, only a hint of a smirk on his face. “Yes, sir.”

“Good man.” George nodded. He turned toward his daughter and opened his arms to pull her in for a tight hug.

Zara took the moment to memorize her father’s strong scent of Old Spice. That smell was Zara’s oldest and most precious memory, and she would miss it terribly.

“Now don’t you go forgetting your old man when you’ve got a handsome young Soulmate like Namjoon to take care of you,” George said gruffly, ruffling Zara’s hair without pulling away from the hug. 

“Never, daddy,” Zara promised. “Once the semester’s over it’ll be hard for you to ever get me out of your hair.”

“I don’t have much of that left,” George chuckled, finally stepping back. He looked to Myra and wiped a tear out from under her eye. “We have a plane to catch.”

Zara took this moment to engulf the twins in a hug, squeezing them both tight. Scarlet was sobbing quietly. Eddie’s jaw was locked tight in a frown but Zara could see the glassiness of tears in his eyes too.

“Be good,” she told them softly. Scarlet nodded, Eddie just glancing at her.

“You too,” he said. Zara cupped his cheek and smiled.

After another moment, Charles cleared his throat, and Myra let her husband lead her to the truck. Once inside, however, she stuck her head out of the window.  The twins followed suit, listening to their mother calling out to their older sister. “Remember to eat right! Drink plenty of fluids. And don’t forget to wear a coat, it’s been getting colder!” The truck began to pull out of the driveway, leaving Zara and Namjoon standing beside Namjoon’s car. “I love you! Take care of yourself, Baby! I love you!”

When her mother’s voice had faded into nothing, and they could no longer see the light reflecting off of the Twins’ blonde hair, Namjoon brought his hand up to rub Zara’s back.

“You okay?”

Zara wiped her wet eyes and wrapped her arms around Namjoon’s waist.

“Can we go watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S.?”

Namjoon’s eyes softened and he nodded his head.

“Of course.”

xXx

They sang to her to try and cheer her up.

Jin had set his camera on Namjoon’s desk, and there it was promptly forgotten as her Soulmates serenaded her with goofy, happy songs as they all piled on the floor. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Was playing quietly on the speakers of someone’s laptop.

It had turned out that her boys were all musically inclined. Jin, Jimin, Taehyung and especially Jungkook had beautiful singing voices, and Namjoon and Yoongi were incredibly talented rappers. It didn’t take Hoseok very long to pick up rapping himself, and he was quite spectacular as well.

After a particularly ridiculous cover of Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours complete with Yoongi practically screaming the chorus with strained vocal chords and Hoseok doing his best impression of Jimin’s contemporary dancing, Zara was rolling on the floor, holding her stomach.

“Stop, stop, stop!” Zara cried, gasping for air.

Yoongi cut off immediately, smirking at Zara, wiping the tears of laughter off her cheeks. “You don’t like my singing?”

“Suga, you’re awful. Stick to rapping.”

He gave her the Smile, stroking her cheek again.

“That hurts.”

They both knew it wouldn’t be the last time he “sang” for her. They also both knew he wasn’t awful at all.

Not long after, the boys went out to pick up food, leaving Zara and Jungkook alone, snuggling in the mound of blankets. For once, Jungkook was the big spoon, having Zara tucked under his arm, speaking to her quietly with his forehead pressed against her own.

“You alright, Noona?”

“I’ll be okay,” Zara confirmed, “It’ll be an adjustment, but having you guys will help.”

Jungkook smiled, and moved his hand to cup her face, stroking her cheek just like Yoongi had earlier. Their eyes fell shut and they just breathed each other in.

After a few moments of silence, Jungkook began to hum, which pulled a smile onto Zara’s face.

“If you’re going to sing, Kookie, you better make it worth it.”

Jungkook laughed and opened his eyes to stare into Zara’s, his thumb constantly sweeping over Zara’s cheek.

“Well you done done me and you bet I felt it

I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted

I fell right through the cracks

And now I'm trying to get back...”

A week later, when Jin was editing the footage from that night, he’d smile, and save the clip onto a flash drive to keep forever.

xXx

Jin had his arm linked with Zara’s, his lips pulled up in a smirk as they walked around the gallery. Today was the last day of Zara’s painting class, as well as the Peer Review day for final projects. He wasn’t at all concerned that Zara would fail the project, considering how detailed the paintings on his skin had turned out. He’d spent countless weekends sitting patiently as she turned his body into a masterpiece. His favorites were the ones that looked like the art was literally bursting out of his skin, like the clockwork ribs that made it appear as though he were an automaton, or that very first galaxy painting.

Even looking at the other student’s projects, Jin knew Zara had spent the most time on her art.

Zara, on the other hand, wasn’t even thinking about her art. She was too busy tracking the pretty brunette that kept giving Jin the bedroom eyes. Even though Jin wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention to the girl, Zara’s hackles began to rise. She was already nervous enough about leaving her Soulmates alone in the dorms over the Christmas break. Knowing other girls had eyes for them didn’t help her feel better at all. What did make her feel better was narrowing her eyes at the brunette, and leaning over to press her lips against the underside of Jin’s ear.

“Seokjin-oppa,” she breathed, and felt satisfaction at the fact that Jin’s back when straight as a rod.

“Zara-ssi?”

“You’ve got an admirer,” she told him, pulling on his earlobe with her teeth gently. Her fingers slid under the hem of his T-shirt, dancing at his hip bone. Jin bit his lip, swallowing hard. “Look at her.”

Her tone left no room for argument. Jin’s eyes instantly began searching the room for the pair of eyes that were on him. Once he found them, he held the wide eyed gaze. Clearly the girl hadn’t expected Zara to start feeling her Soulmate up in such a populated area. Honestly, neither had Jin.

It wasn’t unusual for Zara to fool around with her Soulmates in a public setting. They were all young and constantly horny so sex in public wasn’t an issue.

Fooling around in front of people also wasn’t an issue; Jin had lost count of how many times he’d watched Zara suck Jungkook off, but he imagined it was about as many times as he’d watched Yoongi’s head nestled between her legs or as many times the others had watched Jin himself have sex with her. It was the fooling around in plain view of strangers who could see Zara take him apart that was making the anxiety creep up his throat.

“I guess I can’t blame her too much for looking. You’re gorgeous, oppa.”

Jin let out a shuddering breath, keeping his eyes trained on the brunette.

“But just because I can’t blame her doesn’t mean that I have to like it.”

Jin jumped as Zara’s free hand began to creep up the inside of his thigh, the close press of her body against his back keeping prying eyes from seeing. 

Jin’s panic continued to rise as Zara’s fingers did, until she brushed against his cock and Jin jolted, an English word leaving his lips in a rush.

“Seven!”

Zara’s hands were instantly removed and she took a step back, allowing Jin to drop his head.

“Jinnie?”

He turned around taking a deep breath, arms reaching out for Zara again.

“Sorry, Zara-ssi, I just..there are so many strangers here.”

Zara nodded, smoothing her hands down his back.

“You don’t have to apologize, Jinnie,” she said. “You did the right thing. I was crossing a line we didn’t know existed and you stopped me. Never be ashamed of using the safe word.”

Jin nodded, dropping his chin onto her head.

The moment was ruined by Ms. Do approaching them.

“Underhill, these are amazing!”

Jin and Zara broke apart, but their hands remained tightly clasped.

xXx

The goodbye kisses had been shared before they had left the dorms. Now, all eight of them stood in a tight huddle in front of the airport security line. Jungkook had his hand tightly fisted in the bottom of Zara’s gray t-shirt. If he didn’t let her go, she couldn’t leave. Jin was rubbing Jungkook’s back, trying to coax him into letting go. Yoongi had his arms tightly crossed over his chest, afraid that if he loosened up, he’d also grab Zara and never release her.

Jimin was hugging Zara from behind, trying his hardest to memorize her tropical scent. Tae had his face pressed into her hair, feeling his heart pounding nervously in his chest.

Hoseok and Namjoon both had their hands in their pockets, smiling at the scene sadly.

“Promise you’ll call on Christmas,” Namjoon requested.

“No, call once a week!”

“No, every day!”

Zara chuckled, reaching out to cup Jungkook’s cheeks.

“It may not be every day, but I promise I’ll call as often as I can, okay? It’s only a month.”

Jungkook’s lips pouted, but he nodded.

“Okay, Noona.”

Hoseok glanced down at his watch and frowned.

“She’ll miss her flight if she doesn’t get moving,” he said.

“Good.”

“Tae!”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” 

He wasn’t, but he still pulled Zara out of Jimin’s grasp and into his own. Zara’s arms wrapped around his waist, holding Tae just as tightly as he held her.

“I’ll miss you, Noona.”

Nobody interrupted this moment, understanding that, as Zara’s first Soulmate, Taehyung would feel her absence most keenly.

“I’ll miss you too, Baby Boy.”

When they pulled away, the others swooped in on her, wrapping their arms around her and squeezing.

Despite Hoseok’s warning, Zara found herself having to run to her gate once she finally got through security, in order to get on her plane on time.

Sitting in her seat, still panting from her marathon, she looked at her phone. In the groupchat between her and her Soulmates was a photograph of all the boys pouting, still standing in the bag check area. The caption underneath read, “Already missing you. See you right here on January 24th.”

She smiled.

She could do this.

It was only a month.

@babyboytae1 @snowythellama @bewitch3dforivar @peachy---bangtan

[daydream-hobii]

Shelter of Hope | Chapter 23

Genre: Poly!AU; Hybrid!AU; Fluff; Angst

Pairing: Hybrid BTS x Female!Reader; Human!Reader, Human!Namjoon, White Persian Cat!Seokjin, Siamese Cat!Yoongi, Border Collie!Hoseok, Calico Cat!Jimin, Australian Shepherd!Taehyung, Siberian Husky!Jungkook

Summary: Y/N and her husband Namjoon are the proud owners of a hybrid shelter, protecting and saving as many hybrids as they can. They have a couple of their own, a cat and dog hybrid, whom they love with all their hearts. In the shelter, they gain some hybrids with trauma filled pasts, and one particular one who no one seems to want. What will happen when their little family of four turns to eight?

Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Sexual Assault, Depression, Anxiety; Suggestions of Smut; Read with caution <3 

Word Count: 1,288

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12 // Chapter 13 // Chapter 13.5: BONUS // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 // Chapter 16 // Chapter 17 // Chapter 18 // Chapter 19 // Chapter 20 // Chapter 21 // Chapter 22 // Chapter 24 // Chapter 25 [FINAL] //

Author’s Note: Welcome to Chapter 23! Please let me know what you think of this chapter, I love getting feedback! I hope you enjoyed it!!! ^_^ 

            We sat like that for a long time, both of us desperately trying to take each other’s warmth. We were silent after out talk, and it was actually peaceful for the first time in a long time…. After maybe an hour of sitting there, we heard someone stumbling out. I looked to see Jimin holding a blanket, rubbing his eyes as his tail swished, ears flat to his head. He walked over, sitting at Namjoon’s feet and hugging his legs, almost instantly falling asleep again.

            I chuckled softly, shaking my head. Namjoon had a huge smile plastered onto his face, making my heart swell. I could hear Jimin’s chest rumble with a purr as he moved closer to us. I leaned over, kissing the top of his head.

            “I think that’s the cue to go back to bed, huh?” I asked, yawning.

            “You’re right. The others will most definitely follow suit,” Namjoon said. I carefully got off his lap, leaning down and gently waking Jimin up.

            “Jimin, baby, let’s go back to bed, huh?” I asked. He nodded, standing up and yawning. His tail wrapped around my waist as the three of us walked back inside, and upstairs.

            At the master bedroom door, Namjoon sent Jimin in, where he went and laid next to Yoongi, pulling closer to him. Namjoon made me stand outside the door with him, making me furrow my brow as I stared in curiosity.

            “What do you think of Jin, Jimin, and Jungkook?” Namjoon whispered, making me raise an eyebrow.

            “I love them, of course,” I replied, crossing my arms.

            “How do you love them?” He questioned, and I could see him gulp. “Like… as hybrids and friends… or like you do me…?”

            “How do you love them?” I retorted, eyes a little wide. He bit his lip, looking into the room.

            I followed his eyes to see each of the boys cuddling. Jin was so close to Hoseok, there was no way even a piece of paper would fit between them. Yoongi and Jimin were cuddled together, and Yoongi’s tongue would occasionally peek out to lick Jimin’s cheek, while Taehyung and Jungkook were in between them all, holding each other and Taehyung laying on Jungkook’s chest. I looked back at Namjoon, sighing.

            “I think we all may love them the same way,” Namjoon whispered, making me nod.

            “I think you’re right…” I mumbled, shaking my head. “Isn’t that… a lot?”

            “I mean, there’s already five of us, what’s three more?” Namjoon joked, making me roll my eyes. I carefully closed the door, nodding for him to follow. We went into Taehyung and Hoseok’s room, crawling into a bed. Namjoon followed, pulling me close to his chest.

            “I don’t know, Joonie,” I said, looking up. I placed a soft kiss to his jaw, making him smile. “Eight people in a relationship…. That’s a lot. Do we have that much love to give…? And what if one of us falls out of love with only one person, we can’t just vote them off the island.”

            “You know that won’t happen,” Namjoon replied. “I think with all our love together, we’ll be just fine.”

            “I don’t know, Joon,” I said, closing my eyes, exhaustion hitting me.

            “You know I won’t do anything unless you want to,” He whispered. “Just think about it. Go to sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

            “Night, Namjoon,” I mumbled, sighing. Soon after, I fell right back asleep.

             We were back in the Shelter, Namjoon and I being the only ones to come. It was the afternoon, and we managed to adopt out the rest of the hybrids, a couple even going with the workers. A moving truck had just taken all of our furniture and office items out, and the place was completely empty. Namjoon and I stood in the main lobby in silence, looking around the empty building.

            “This is sad,” I said, frowning. Namjoon nodded, biting his lip. “This was our home for years….”

            “This was us,” Namjoon whispered, wrapping an arm around me. “I remember when I brought you here, you were horrified.”

            “It was a dump,” I said, laughing. “There was no paint, trash everywhere….”

            “But when I told you it’s ours, for a shelter, your mood changed so drastically,” He said, kissing the side of my head. “You were so happy….”

            “Because it’s what we wanted,” I whispered, leaning into him. “Besides a family….”

            “Maybe that’s next on our list,” He said, making me look up and eye him, smirking.

            “You want to have kids… now?” I questioned, making him smile down at me.

            “Eventually,” He replied. “I’ll leave that up to you….”

            He leaned down and kissed me, making my heart swell with love. We were interrupted by the realtor, telling us it’s time to leave. We nodded, walking out and handing him the key. He nodded back in thanks, locking it and going back to his car. I took a moment to place my hand on the building, many emotions rolling through my body. Sadness, fear… even a little anger, but at no one in particular.

            “I hope you get someone good,” I whispered, turning to Namjoon with soft eyes. He was staring at me with such sad eyes, it killed me.

            “Let’s go home, Yeobo,” Namjoon said, making me nod.

             When we arrived home, the boys were all sat in the living room. Yoongi and Taehyung were frowning, looking at us and whining slightly. On the car ride home, I may have let a few tears slip, so my eyes were a bit red.

            “Jagiya,” Yoongi mumbled, standing up and walking over, hugging me tight. “I’m so sorry.”

            “It’s alright Yoongi…. Look what we gained out of it,” I said, smiling up at him as he gently kissed my nose.

            “It’s really gone…?” Hoseok asked, eyes wide with innocence.

            “I’m afraid so,” Namjoon said, walking over and sitting next to him, letting Hoseok curl his body into his side. “Papers are done. I doubt Fang will buy it, since it’s no longer a shelter….”

            “Where are you going to work?” Jungkook asked, a whine evident in his voice.

            “Maybe I’ll join the force again,” Namjoon said, smirking towards Yoongi, Taehyung, and me.

            “You’ll be a dead man,” I said, glaring. Yoongi and Taehyung growled in agreement, making him chuckle.

            “I know, I’m just teasing,” Namjoon said, smiling. “I don’t know, we could find another shelter to work for…?”

            “Maybe a change of pace?” I asked, making him smile.

            “Hey, can we… talk to you about something?” Jin asked suddenly, his beautiful, white, bushy tail swaying nervously behind him. I eyed him, nodding. Hoseok stood up, grabbing my hands to sit me next to Namjoon. Yoongi, Taehyung, and Hoseok stood together in front of us, while Jin, Jungkook, and Jimin sat at the side, looking a bit bashful.

            “You remember how Hobi just joined in on our relationship, but you both initiated it first, so it was the okay for us?” Taehyung asked, gulping.

            “Yes?” Namjoon questioned, eyeing them.

            “Hoseok, are you okay with being in the relationship?” I asked, making Hoseok wide eyed.

            “Oh yeah! I couldn’t imagine life without it, I love you all too much,” Hoseok replied, making me nod.

            “We’re here to actually ask you…” Yoongi said, letting out a sigh before continuing. “if Jin, Jimin, and Jungkook could join in… too….”

[hogbullpup]

Ruminations-life, love, relationships

For the past nine months I haven’t been pursuing a boyfriend or boyfriends until either 1, my mental health improves, 2, I can move on from being a part-time caregiver for my mom and let my brother take over, 3, I can find a better job/career, or all of the above, but I’ve been feeling so lonely lately that I’m wondering if I should just say “fuck it” and get back on both growlr and twitter. Still, I feel like I haven’t gotten out a lot of my own thoughts about my personal shortcomings in my last relationship and other concerns before pursuing another one, and this is as good a place as any as no one’s really here anymore, so long story incoming...

About 6 years ago, after coming out as a proud lover of large, hefty men I started exploring chub/gainer communities around in the area and after a while found a big fella who ended up becoming my best friend, whom I’ll call C. We bonded very quickly; after a while we were hanging out once a week consistently and I soon developed feelings for him.

Around the time C and I were hanging out and bonding, my dad was diagnosed with stage four bladder cancer and 3.5 years ago passed away. 6 or so months after that C asked if I wanted us to be more than just friends, but I put him off because I was in a bad mental state, partly from my dad's brutal battle with cancer and partly from my own insecurities. This hurt C far more than I knew at the time, and I still don’t forgive myself for causing him that much pain.

Early 2018

Some time later, March 2018, I told C I was being dumb and that I loved him deeply, and we started dating, but he told me that in that time he had discovered the pup community and found a sir/handler, S, who was moving to the area soon with his other 2 pups. I on the other hand in that time had been looking for community with the Seattle bears and chubs, however I felt their scene was kind of cliquey, financially discriminatory, and on occasion racist (despite how physically attractive I found a lot of them--this was really frustrating for someone who is only attracted to bigger, fluffier men).

So in the first couple months of C and my relationship I started exploring the pup scene/fetish online and in a couple of gatherings, and enjoyed a lot of what I saw, but it also left me with more questions than answers (turns out I'm far more switch than dom) and C certainly couldn't answer all of them given the fact that he was still a very new puppy. He specifically admitted that the details of our relationship became harder because I wanted to explore pup play, but at the same time wasn't at all sympathetic because I was partly exploring pup play just because he was into it, which he really didn't like (I also lied about this which still makes me feel sick, and danced around the issue instead of just being honest and saying "babe I just wanted to explore and be involved in the things you like"). This became even harder for me because C was being quickly welcomed into S's family, and got his collar soon after they moved to the area. I didn't want at all to intrude on their family because it would be psycho rude and I didn't even know any of them, but I was also deeply protective of C at the same time, and didn’t know how to handle my insecurities. I wish I had the emotional knowledge then that I do now. Starting to date C was a big change for me going from open-but-committed to my first poly relationship, so I was upset that I couldn't explore poly WITH C. It didn't seem fair.

Jealousy took over and I started telling C that I might want to pursue a family like S had, because if he was able to build a family exclusively of cute, chub pups than so could I. C cautioned me that S got very lucky compared to most, and that the likelihood of me being able to find a few gay partners all of the chubby variety and all of whom are compatible was very unlikely, and even if possible would take years (but, to my frustration, he would never give me a clear NO). While this sat heavy with me and I knew he was most likely right, it didn't help with my feelings of complete helplessness and isolation in my situation. I continued to ruminate. A big part of it that I fully regret and admit to is jealousy, and I had no idea before this whole situation that I was such a jealous person. But there was also massive anxiety--the feeling that there was nothing I could do, a feeling I don't handle that feeling very well, and I think it made my jealousy worse.

So instead of being patient, exploring pup play, enjoying the chub/chaser relationship I had with C, and just seeing how things went, I BADGERED C for some 7-8 weeks with impossible questions like...

"how would dom (me) and sub (him) pup interactions work given the fact he already has a handler?" 

or "how can we ever belong to a larger family unit together (this was a big one for me) if your family is full,"  (I wasn’t his handler’s type anyway. He likes big chubs like I do so deep down I knew this was putting pressure on C to expand our relationship without asking if that was ok first),

or "what if in my explorations I discover I want want to be a handler or just part of a larger family, and somehow want you to be a part of that with me together without stepping on your handler's toes? How will that be possible?" (I knew C was an introvert and probably wouldn’t really have the energy/time to put into another complex relationship like that with me).

I knew that these questions were impossible to answer but still I continued to harass him, even though C told me on multiple occasions I was stressing him out and needed to back off and handle my jealousy and insecurities ("jealousy is poison in poly relationships", he said, and wasn't wrong). And in Fall, after a heated argument, he requested we take a 1 month break, which I spent learning to meditate and mitigate my anxiety and insecurities, while also begging fate for us to be able to stay together. When we met back up, I made my case that I was working hard to overcome anxiety and jealousy, but he told me the damage had been done. I was crushed.

Late 2018

After we broke up I continued to pursue meditation, but to be completely honest it barely kept the anxiety at bay and eventually I just gave up. I lost sleep over losing C for some 5 months, unable to clear my head of all those unanswerable questions for at least 2 hours most nights before falling asleep. I had lost both my best friend and lover, and at the time he was still rooming with my gaming friends and it was awkward for me to hang out, so I just felt alone, which is, without doubt, my one driving fear and what I wanted to avoid at all possible costs.

I remember thinking over and over again that I wished I had never put C off in the first place and had admitted my feelings to him sooner, but at the same time wouldn't have wanted anything to change as far as him meeting S and family. I just wanted things to somehow work between us as I explored what it meant for me to be poly.

Nov-Feb

In the months following our breakup I fought to recover from these feelings of loneliness by STILL continuing to attending pup social events and even a mosh (though I didn't participate in the mosh). It was hard when I would see S and his three pups show up, and I had to fight off nagging bad thoughts every time it happened. Still, I met a couple of very nice chubby pups who I bonded with and became friends. Sadly, despite liking both of them, one couldn't afford to live in Seattle anymore and moved back to Wisconsin, and the other (whom I really liked but was too damaged from my breakup to pursue) got adopted by a couple of husbands and moved just outside of Milwaukee with them. It felt like the universe was picking on me for my fear of being left out or rejected. I was alone again.

Somehow I persisted and survived, but my memories of the few months after that are such a dull blur I'm not sure I was even alive at the time. C and I are good friends again and I have a core group of friends (including him) who I feel close to and game with about once every 2 weeks. I still love him a lot but he's not looking for anything and I need to moderate my attraction to him. Also, time I spend hanging out with him is time I'm not spending looking for a big partner to call my own so I feel weird sometimes when I play around with him and my feelings are so fucking strong. I would like to find a guy I have that connection with who also wants to live together. It's depressing how hard something that simple is to find.

Anyways this has gone on for far too long, but I needed to write down my ruminations somewhere and also double down on goals and reminders for future relationships so I don't make the same mistakes I did before:

-If I'm attracted to a guy as much as I was attracted to C, I need to remember and understand that there probably will be major consequences to putting them off, even if it's for my own comfort.

-If a guy asks me to give him space, legitimately do it, and don't be actively looking for the next opportunity to talk about difficult things.

-If I date a man and he has a master or another family, I need to be happy for him, and not try to follow in his path, unless that's something he would enjoy/welcome (C didn’t, and I didn’t want to accept that). But also emphasize that a family like that is what I’m looking for and ask him to be gentle/supportive with me while I pursue it.

-If I date a man with a master, I need to be patient, respectful, and willing to communicate with him at his pace. After a while I can hopefully ask if I can work to earn the handler/master’s trust to not have to ask permission to do most things with my partner. If that option isn’t available, then it’s probably not the relationship for me.

-Accept that large men who are happy being large and soft are few and far between, and finding one into me is going to take significantly longer than a typical gay relationship, and that if I'm not out there looking, the few opportunities that are there are going to come and go.

-Learn to balance being flexible with knowing my limits, and knowing when to put my foot down. I honestly should have been the first to cut my relationship off with C because he didn't want his partners to cross or for sexual experiences in one bedroom to be shared in the other's bedroom. And right away that should have been a huge warning sign for me because that's something that's very important to me in a poly relationship (though at the time I was very new to poly so that was the first time I discovered what I wanted). I think I partly held on to him so hard because, other than my emotional feelings for him (which built up over some 3+years), there just aren't that many 300+lb non-judgmental guys who are going to find me as attractive as I find them. Regardless, no matter how many boxes a guy ticks for me, if something bugs me that much then I need to not settle.

-Patience. Patience. Patience. I need to learn to relax. It's possible that everything between C and I would have worked out if I'd just been patient. Perhaps not, but I'll never know how much I can accomplish with patience unless I try.

Well, I guess it's time to get back on growlr, dig up my old twitter, and hope for the best.

[shellheadtmarc]

Connections

fallout bullshit round two, this time featuring zetta reynolds, because zetta is another hugely important person to tony in context and it probably looks like the trashiest shit without the actual behind the scenes context that hasn’t gotten threaded bc mala and i are both slow as fuckin christmas.

okay.  buckle up.

+ once upon a time, before the world became chernobyl on steroids, there was a company called stark industries.  the owner of said company was tony stark, and moonlighted in a group of extremely unique people who called themselves the avengers as the high tech armored superhero called iron man.  tony was atoning for all the weapons he’d built and designed over the years, especially in understanding, through his own brush with death, how devastating those weapons could be.  he was also incredibly outspoken against the government and what it was doing with regards to its own people with regards to personal liberties and freedoms.  this company - which offered safety nets for employees that did find themselves being investigated by the government in forms such as legal fees - employed a lot of people.  one of those people was zetta reynolds, who worked in the boston branch.

+ if tony ever met zetta before the bombs, he honestly can’t remember it.  it’s been a very long time for him.  her files are probably still somewhere on the stark dataspine, though he’s never gone digging for them.  who she was and who he was are people that don’t really exist anymore.  that world doesn’t really exist anymore.

+ one of the first things that should be noticed - and actually not incredibly obvious - is that tony and zetta are actually very similar.  they’re both brilliant.  they’ve answered the fate that’s been handed to them with anger - though in separate directions.  they’re both incredibly fiercely protective over the people they love.  they have the same sense of humor.  they both had super shitty childhoods that have shaped them as adults.  it’s why when they get along everyone around them should be terrified, and when they fight everyone should be even more terrified.  the major difference between them, surface-wise, anyway, is that zetta is incredibly loyal to the railroad, and tony considers them to be too tunnel-visioned without an “after” plan to be sustainable long term.

+ honestly, they even favor physically somewhat.  big dark eyes, dark curly hair, killer jawlines.  this is going to be important soon, pay attention.

+ zetta is the sole survivor of vault 111.  you know what that means.

+ tony and zetta hook up fairly early on in his time in the commonwealth.  and by hook up i mean sleep together.  but wait, you say, isn’t tony already probably running with maccready??  yes, i answer, he is!  but tony and mac aren’t a thing for a while, and zetta and tony never really are.  it’s like…a one time thing.  that’s it.  in the end, they’re close?  but it ain’t really like that between them.  they wouldn’t work - tony’s too open in being demonstrative.  it’s gross.  he loves her, in her his own way, but it’s just not that kind of love.  she’s someone he can trust implicitly, and that’s a thousand times better in the wasteland that being stupid in love with her.

+ since this is tony’s companion verse, that’s what he is:  he’s one of zetta’s companions.  except it’s not fallout 4 flavor mechanics companions it’s more…equal partners in interest with reclaiming the commonwealth.  he’s as often off doing his own thing as he is helping her with something - and most of their stuff has to do with the settlements, not questlines.  it should also be noted that, between her, stephen, tony, elle, thor, and loki, questlines are split up among them because it’s unrealistic to expect one person to do all of them.  anyway, between all of them, they rub their heads together and make magic shit happen in the commonwealth.

+ so.  about that one night stand tony and zetta have.  see, tony’s tinkered on himself.  he got his hands on some institute flavor fev while back in nyc, broke it apart, made it what he wanted, and put it back together (much like 616 extremis) and used himself as a lab rat to test it.  friendly, frequent reminder he’s not a super mutant, the same way 616 tony was never a true extremis enhancile.   he thought he’d kept the coding to make himself sterile in it.  turns out not so much - he’s an engineer, not a biochemist, and there he and zetta are finding out yeah so uh.  that drunken one night stand resulted in a baby.  she uses stephen as a doctor, because he’s prewar, too.  makes sunday dinners all kinds of interesting.

+ quinn is just quinn.  their plan is to let him decide what last name he wants to use when he gets older, and between zetta’s bunch and tony’s bunch, not only are quinn and duncan (and synth shaun, because honestly he can’t be forgotten…how did we end up with a set of all little boys how did this happen i sure don’t know) the three safest kids in the commonwealth, they have a massive extended family that include a sorcerer supreme, norse gods, spies, the entire railroad, the minutemen, super mutants, and superheroes.  he’s got all of zetta and tony’s smarts and looks, and that means r i f p world when he gets older.

+ they share custody, obviously.  i mean, it’s not like it’s a legal arrangement, it’s the commonwealth, but it’s the principle of the thing.  anyway, outside of the lovenest zetta built for her bunch on spectacle island (casa del deacon) that everyone’s supposed to stay out of but tony and only then when he’s there to get quinn (if you can’t see tony rolling his eyes about it i need to step up my game), honestly…the whole group lives in…well, i wouldn’t quite completely call it a commune really, but they’re like a neighborhood where everyone on the street is related to everyone else.  they come and go as they need to, but it actually satisfies tony’s need to keep everyone as close as possible.  sunshine tidings and nahant (the town around croup manor) are the usual suspects, though you’ve got fort hagen, as well.

+ to clarify:  after the one whole night, later tony’s in a monogamous relationship with maccready, zetta (depending on verse iteration) is either with deacon?  or in a poly relationship with ferran (who is a whole other kettle of fish right there) and deacon.  sometimes her husband riley survives the gunshot from kellogg just barely and they’re able to bring him round with the same super soldier serum mix rhodey got popped with before the bombs, using the immortality serum traded to the government by jack cabot.  it’s…it’s complicated don’t worry about it.

+ they’re enough alike and work in the same fashion enough that they make good emotional punching bags for each other.  zetta knows she can fling everything she’s got at tony and that he can take it, and the opposite is just as true, and it spares some hapless settler from facing the brunt of either of their tempers (because if you don’t think tony stark has a temper i have News For You).  on the flipside, they’ve gone through practically the same nightmare and can be vulnerable with each other, though that’s far less likely.

+ zetta reynolds would happily punch howard stark in the face.  well.  she’d happily punch anyone in the face that has done tony dirty on some level, once he’s one of “hers”.  and don’t think for a second he wouldn’t go the mat just the same for her. 

ask about muse connections : accepting : anon

[deepbutdazzlingdarkness]

hiiii! i was wondering if u had any recommendations for best caps fics? dirty or not. ALSO LOVE UR BLOG

First of all, THANK YOU FOR ASKING! I loove giving fic recs. Second of all…this is gonna be LONG lmao. I gave some Kuzy and Willy/Latts recs earlier here, so these are gonna be primarily Nicky/Ovi recs, with some smaller pairing ones too, and I’m gonna sort them by pairing that way.

SO, Nicky/Ovi (including some poly recs, which I’ll list the pairings for):

-First of all, literally EVERYTHING by Ferritin4. They were the first Caps author I read after blood pressure, and I’m going to limit myself to linking just three of them, but really, READ EVERYTHING.

King Meby Ferritin4 [E, 12k]

In which there is a small tragedy, a great success, and a lot to learn about someone Sasha thought he knew awfully well.

Dream the Right Dream by Ferritin4 [E, 14k]

They don’t do it like that in Sweden, which Nicklas mans up and valiantly explains to the room after he makes it back from camp. They don’t use humans as tools. All people are people, and Nicklas would never — he couldn’t imagine having a teammate inside him every time he fell into heat, however willing they might be. His body is his own, and they all touch him far more than enough already.

What Will Survive Of Us by Ferritin4 [E, 26k]

It’s going to be a big deal, his mother had told him, and Nicklas had listened.

His mom’s not an idiot.

It’s going to be a big deal, she’d promised, if and when you find them. It’s going to be more than you thought it would, and if and when you know it, you’ll know it for sure.

-Another author you should read everything by is screamlet. They have some non-Nicky/Ovi fic I will rec later, so I’m just gonna post a few of the Nicky/Ovi ones now

the arrival of 290287 backstromby screamlet [M, 18k]

Nicky has an asteroid named after him; that’s just the beginning.

the washington royals by screamlet [M, 45k]

Sasha doesn’t remember the very first time he met Nicky, but Michael Nylander is kind enough to remind them when he arrives to meet the team, carrying an honest to fuck laminated newspaper clipping of the first time Prince Alexander visited Sweden to meet his future husband, Prince Nicklas.*An arranged marriage—or, an arrangement and a marriage.

-One more author to mass rec: angularmomentum! They’re not solely a Nicky/Ovi author so I will be linking them more down below too, but for now:

running from the weather by angularmomentum [E, 21k]

Alex starts playing for Dynamo at sixteen.

kithbyangularmomentum [E, 12k]

Sasha makes prefect in his second to last year. It’s earlier than anyone but him expected, but right on track for his two year plan, which is: be head boy, get a contract to play Quidditch professionally, and beat Bäckström off in the baths.

-For the rest of these, I’m gonna sort them by rating! Lowest to highest (G-E)

Soft Hands by sadhockeytrashbaby (allofthefandoms)[G, 1k]

Alexander Ovechkin walks into the Capitals dressing room with a collar and the entire Washington sports press corps grinds to a stunned stop.

Eight + Eight (+ Nine) bysockitup [G, 2k]

Active players have started waking up in bed with retired players who wore the same number when they need relationship advice. It goes some kind of way.-*-Teemu pulls back and kicks forward at the same time so violently that he knocks both Paul and Ovechkin out of the bed.

street’s an empty stage by grim_lupine [G, 4k]

Over their heads, in this little dream world Nicklas has built, the sun is blazing at it’s peak, searing them where they sit. The light bathes Alex a molten gold. He couldn’t look any other way in Nicklas’s head, of course.

Nicklas is cracked open, exposed.

so play on, play on, play on by carissima [2k, G]

“Gonna give you the cup first,” Alex says, still too close. He’s in Nicke’s space like he always, always is. He’s grinning and Nicke’s grinning because they finally won the goddamn cup but his head is spinning now. “Brooks already had cup. Your turn first.”

raise my hands (paint my spirit gold) by seaqueen [G, 1k]

They break apart with chests heaving for air, and when Nicke looks Alex is burning with it, fierce joy and agonizing victory painted in every line of his body and Nicke loves him so, so much.

pledge my allegiance and bite my tongue by spock [T, 5k]

It’s a given that all droids will develop some form of their own unique idiosyncrasies, but none of them are as decidedly too much as Ovi’s is. He’s got too much style, too much personality; it’s a well known and much maligned fact that he’d nearly been recalled not all that long after his activation, but the test groups had loved him so much that he was granted an exception.

cherish the moonlight by haipollai [T, 6.5k]

“What is wrong, pup?” He asks again, wishing desperately that he could actually get an answer. Instead he settles for holding his hand out, palm up until Nicky takes the hesitant step forward to nuzzle against him.

The Dog Days Are Over by xihale [T, 8k]

In which alternate universe Boston had 4th pick and Washington had 5th pick in the 2006 draft, and in which alternate universe the NHL is kind enough make accommodations for players’ personal circumstances. For instance, to allow Washington to pick Alex Ovechkin’s absolutely true, definitely not fake, 100% not-made-up fiancé to come play for the Caps.

“You what,” Alex says. “Alex Ovechkin’s who?”

—and its aftermath, through the years.

Demons, Ovechkin and other Superhuman Forces by stumblebee [T, 2k]

Sometimes Nicky wonders, usually in moments like these, if there is something to it, if you need Canadians and the horrible things they chose to do to themselves as children to win it all. Maybe Don Cherry is right, at the end of the day, maybe you just can’t win without demonic assistance. Without sacrifice, as that insufferable spray tanned dinosaur always puts it.

something old, something newby bropunzeling [T, 5k]

“You,” Alex says, pointing at him. “Me,” he continues, pointing back at himself. “Married.”

“Oh,” Nicky says. “Oh.”

[It doesn’t go any smoother after that.]

Wait Until Tomorrow (You’ll Be Fine) by sunshinexbomb [T, 8k]          

In which Nicky is an accident-prone Auror and Alex is the Healer that always seems to be coming to his rescue.

Red is the Color (of Your True Love’s Blood) by Saebrin [T, 2k]

What are the odds that all of Jakub’s teammates are serial killers? Like, statistically that has to be impossible, right?

Literally by xabier [T, 4k]

In which Nicklas Backstrom is literally Andre Burakovsky’s father.

to have and to hold by oops_ohdear [T, 6k]

The problem with putting a fake engagement photo, complete with stupid smiles and a bottle of champagne, on Facebook, is that sometimes someone’s mother sees it.

This is not a problem Nicklas ever had before he knew Alex.

This Alone Is The Real Treasure by leyley09 [T, 10k]

A defiant trip to the Olympics gets Alex outed. The solution is obviously to marry Nicky.

Obviously.

Whatever happened to all this season’s losers of the yearby Thorne [T, 9k]

Alex loves his kids, he really does, but he also might kill them. That is, if they don’t put him in a goddamn early grave first.

(Cop bribing, theft of public property, and how to photoshoot your dick properly in order to seduce a teammate: all part of a captain’s responsibilities to his rookies.)

Baby Boom by WeagleRock [M, 7k]

Having babies gives you dad power. Dad power helps put hockey teams on the road to Sir Stanley. Sid sired a herd of little Penguins before Pittsburgh won its Cup. Toews might as well be running a Blackhawks baby factory.

Now it’s Ovi’s turn. If only someone had told him that impregnating your fuckbuddy might make things a little weird.

String Theories by WeagleRock [M, 14.5k]

Nicky knows what’s expected of him: Set up goals, mentor rookies, provide a steadying backbone for a struggling team …  and never, ever look at other men.

Then Ovi surprises him with a kiss, and Nicky doesn’t know anything anymore.

The Brook Horse by WeagleRock [M, 11.5k]

Nicklas Bäckström is a good person. Nicklas Bäckström would never risk Ovi’s life just to stay human.

It’s really too bad he isn’t real.

Holding Onto You by somethingnerdythiswaycomes [M, 6.5k]

“You can’t be picked if you’re married,“ Nicky says, like it’s obvious.

“I’m not married,” Alex replies.

“You’re marrying me,” Nicky says, his jaw set.

“You haven’t proposed.”

the laws of the world never stopped us once by punkassbookjockey[M, 6k]

Sasha points at him with his chopsticks. “Your powers,” he says. “Snowzilla comes, suddenly everyone’s mutants? Something happened there, no other explanation.”

Fault Lies by hoosierbitch [M, 6k]

Alex kneels.

“You’re smarter than me,” Trotz says to Nicky, “but I do know what I’m doing.” Right now, Nicky is fairly sure that he’s wrong on both counts. “Let me be his coach. Let me take care of him.”

no it’s not nirvana but it’s on the wayby ghosthunter [M, 4k]

Sasha does not miss the way Backy looks at him then, sharp and angry, and Sasha knows he deserves it. They sit in awkward silence until the waitress comes to take their drink orders.

A More Fascinating Name by pukeandcry [M, 38k]

Although Sasha had never made the younger Mr. Backstrom’s acquaintance, he was at least familiar enough with his reputation to know that chief amongst his qualities was the quite publicly known fact that Mr. Backstrom was as notoriously uninterested in achieving an advantageous marriage as Sasha himself.

Something, then, must have upset the order of things. What that was he could not say, but Lord Backstrom was now, it would seem, in active search of a husband for his son.

Better Than Heartbreak by the_glow_worm [M, 1.5k]

It’s morning in Vegas, technically, but Nicke and Alex aren’t about to go to sleep anytime soon.

Kärlek Redux by Saebrin [E, 3k]

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” —Mignon McLaughlin

A.K.A. Four times Nicky (re)fell for Alex.

Perfect For A Person by mlyn [E, 18k]

Alex Ovechkin is near the end of his 30th year and still not married. In the US, that means he’ll either have to find a spouse at a Transformation Hotel before his birthday, or he’ll check out transformed into an animal.

Not if Nicklas Backstrom has anything to say about it.

You and me, Drenched in greenby xihale [E, 18k]

Nicky’s an omega with a heat problem. Ovi volunteers as tribute.

tell me in the morning by haipollai [E, 4k]

Nicky yanks himself back and away, almost hard enough to tip his chair. “You don’t know why I’m scared my very Russian friend and teammate is suddenly asking questions about me dating men?” He snaps.

anchor by pavses [E, 2k]

They’re not going to make up the three-goal deficit, but Alex sure as hell is trying to single-handedly score a hat trick in a minute.

You’re a work of art, baby by sirona [E, 7k]

FBI Agent Alex Ovechkin doesn’t mind working with others. He even likes working with Malkina every so often. What he doesn’t like is being lead by his dick nose. And yet, he can’t stay away from the Gray case.

Wolfborn by waspabi [E, 60k]

A wolfborn on an airplane was either unbearably reckless or a hockey player. Most of the time, both.

if you’re needing something by atrytone [E, 5k]

Nicke hates losing, but he’s grown out of letting it black out everything else in his mind. Alex can’t seem to do the same thing, not when they get on a roll like this, not when nothing he tries seems to make a difference.

Luckily, he has Nicke to help.

touch by itsahockeynight [3k, E]

When Alex does turn up, he walks across the locker room and straight into Nicke’s arms.

Eleven Years by waspabi [E, 2k]

The door inches open. Alex, of course. Bloodshot eyes, rumpled suit. His Conference Champions cap with the sticker still on the brim, the fucking Prince of Wales Trophy still clutched in one big hand.

Nicky/Willie Nylander:

weekender by screamlet [M, 5k]

William couldn’t imagine that Toronto would ever love him the way Washington loved Nicky.

Fingertips Putting On A Show by sunshinexbomb [E, 1.5k]

In which Nicky finds comfort in William during Worlds.

make me wanna hold on (make me wanna be all yours) by Pinkmanite [E, 4.5k]

It’s like Will instantly melts into a well-worn mold, one he’s been in many times before. The switch is flipped and he’s standing up straighter, painting on that pretty smile, the one Nicky loves so much, pentimento on the overworn canvas of his cheeks. He angles his chin so he can look up at Nicky through his lashes, batting them in the way that he knows gets Nicky all worked up.

Nicky/Ovi/Willie Nylander:

the elementary disposal of weighted objects by angularmomentum [T, 14k]

William, at eleven, was primed to tip over the cusp into nascent adolescence. He was big for his age and very competitive, and had no real idea that his obsession with beating Nicke was actually an obsession without caveats, because infatuation was a word he didn’t know.

right there where we stood was holy ground by babygotbackstrom [NR, 4k]

The revamped Tre Kronor line, of Nicky and his soulmates, is mesmerising.

Sasha is jealous again, and it is ugly, even though the team is leading the division.

copenhagen by screamlet [E, 10.5k]

William had already casually texted Nicky a photo of the sunset, a cool little haha bet you don’t have this in GÄVLE, but there was no response. Gävle had Nicky and William didn’t and it was bullshit.

Andre/Nicky and/or Ovi:

say all that you’re feeling by screamlet [T, 43k]

Andre Burakovsky/Alexander Ovechkin, Nicklas Backstrom/William Nylander

Much had happened in the past year, enough that Andre sat on the hill overlooking the lands he had been naive enough to call home until he pledged himself to Lord Laich and left his friends with barely a note. Now he had returned and—Who would want Andre now?A flash of lightning in the distance illuminated the one house he hadn’t yet considered.After a moment’s thought, Andre rode south.

a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me by Pinkmanite [E, 6k]

Nicklas Backstrom/Andre Burakovsky, Andre/Various Caps

Nicke’s got a beer in one hand, uses the other to wrap his arm around Andre’s waist, grips his hip and pulls him in close, as close as he can be.

He tucks his face in the crook of Andre’s neck and hugs him tight, exactly like he’d done on the ice just hours before.

“I’m so fucking proud of you,” he murmurs, raw and genuine, just for Andre to hear.

Don’t You Worry Child by Capbuckyang [M, 2k]

Nicky pats his thighs and Andre drops, just like that. It’s not like it was the first time, when the boys all watched in a hushed silence, but it does quiet down a bit.

It isn’t that hard, boy, to like you or love you by Two_for_Slashing [M, 3.5k]

Nicklas couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he had become desirable.

Lop-sided on the Side of the Angels by babygotbackstrom [NR, 2k]

The sun doesn’t make vampires sick anymore but that doesn’t mean Nicklas Backstrom is a morning person.

for the taking by chartreuser, thegraceinyoureyes [E, 4k]

Of course Nicky knows Andre wants him.

Nicky/Ovi/Other:

Sharp Suits and Sly Smiles by SomebodyOwens [T, 5k]

Nicky/Ovi/Holtby

He chased them so hard that they caught him.

A seduction in 5 (+1) parts.

Wayward Mayday by xihale [E, 6k]

Nicky/Ovi/TJ

Nicky and TJ are fucking around, and one of them starts mouthing off about Ovi, how Ovi might join the two of them, how hard he’d hold them down, how hard he’d ride them.

Naturally, Ovi walks in.

intermittent melting by blushingsweet (sunflowered) [E, 3k]

Nicky/Ovi/Tom

“I don’t think he wants to leave,” Nicky says, looking up at him, smug and a little cocky. “Do you want to leave, Tom?”

“No,” Tom says. He’s pressing his hands into his jeans, shifting on the floor. Alex wonders if his knees have started hurting yet; Nicky’s kept him there for a long time.

Andre/Holtby:

-These are all part of a larger Caps ensemble series w/ a variety of pairings, but I’m singling the Andre/Holts parts out, which can fit together w/o reading the whole thing

All We Are Is by somethingnerdythiswaycomes [M, 5k]

Braden notices everything in the dressing room.  He’s seen enough that, sometimes, he can guess what’s brewing before it really erupts in the locker room.  And maybe, because he saw Brooksy and Burky, that’s why he wasn’t able to see himself and Andre.

Just to Please Them [E, 3k]

Andre’s in a tank top and jeans and his neck is tantalizingly bare.  Braden keeps staring at it, and Andre keeps catching him and honestly it’s getting a little embarrassing.

Don’t Think About Why [E, 13k]

Andre Burakovsky/Brooks Laich, Andre/Holtby

“What about Brooksy?” Andre asks quietly.  Nicky’s fingers still on the back of Andre’s head, and then start petting over his curls again a second later.

“He has a reputation,” Nicky says carefully.

Or: Andre tries, and then tries again.

Comfortability [E, 6k]

Andre/Holtby, Andre Burakovsky/Braden Holtby/Nathan Walker, Braden Holtby/Nathan Walker

“How’d you sleep last night?” Braden asks Walks, when they’re all sitting down for breakfast.

“I hope we didn’t keep you up,” Andre says innocently, and Walks chokes on his omelet.

Match Your Weakness With A Name by leyley09 [T, 4k]

In which Braden gets talked into playing spin-the-bottle with his teammates and - surprisingly - doesn’t live to regret it

Words Just Get in the Way by somethingnerdythiswaycomes [T, 8k]

“You’re pretty gone on him, huh?” Mike asks him.  Andre nods.  “And you don’t know anything about him?” Andre nods again, glumly.

“This is the semester,” Mike proclaims with enough conviction that Andre almost believes him. “This semester, you’re getting him.”

 field testby matskreider [M, 1.5k]

When he cracks his eyes open, he sees a rather determined pout coming from Nicklas’ favorite underling, a new guy called Burakovsky. “Sorry, 0070. I was going to offer to debrief you, if you were waiting for Q. He’s, um…going to be busy for a while.”

Andre + Willy and/or Latts:

Kickstart The Fight by MermaidSmiled [T, 9k]

Tom watches as Andre’s knuckles scab over and heal and split again after a hard practice until they’re finally healed, pink and shiny. He watches Andre’s eye blacken where a fist or an elbow caught him and charts the flow of the blood pooling under the skin as the days go by.

It’s something so unfamiliar to Tom, seeing these things he’s used to seeing when he looks down or in the mirror on Andre. He ignores it as best he can.

come under the covers by ghosthunter [M, 4.5k]

Andre meets him at the airport. He has a tan and he looks good. Not that Tom thinks he, himself, does not also have a tan and look good, but he’s not picking himself up at the airport in a foreign country either.

Something So Pleasant About That Place by somethingnerdythiswaycomes [E, 5k]

Tom turns his head to look at Andre, sprawled out on the other bed dicking around on his phone.  “Hey, wanna fuck?”

Andre glances at him, and rolls his eyes.  Tom doesn’t know if he should be offended by how not-surprised Andre is.

Or: Andre and Tom have a ‘List of Cities We’ve Fucked In’

#capsexroomiesby forks[E, 7k]

André doesn’t mind living in his own place now, but sometimes he does miss seeing Mike and Tom being sexy together.  Good thing he has his new camcorder along this time so he’ll be able to watch whenever he wants.

Tale as Old as Time by Kerfluffle [E, 5k]

Andre breaks his hand. Tom provides an assist.

champions by angularmomentum [E, 2k]

Tom had a problem. To be more accurate, Tom had several problems but that was the way of Tom’s life. He often had a few running in tandem. Tonight they included but were not limited to: bruised knuckles (regular problem) forgot his toothbrush (also a regular problem) and a boner for Burky (definitely NOT a regular problem.)

Andre/Other:

conversation superseded by by ghosthunter [T, 1k]

Andre Burakovsky/Christian Djoos

Somewhere along the line, some signals got crossed.

or: andre is dumb

sugar by ghosthunter [M, 4k]

Nicklas Backstrom/André Burakovsky/Marcus Johansson

Nicke’s almost ready to leave, his jacket still off, his tie around his neck. “He’s fucking with you,” Nicke says quietly, coming to stand next to Andre as he ties his own tie. “And you looked at his ass when he walked away.”

So Press Record, I’ll Let You Film Me by Petalpants [E, 3k]

Andre Burakovsky/Brooks Laich

Hey, ur hot! If ur interested in doing sum amateur porn, lmk ;)

Ergo: Homo by R_Gunns [E, 14k]

Andre/Various Caps, Andre/Original Male Characters, Andre/Original Female Characters

In which André no-homos his way through casual sex, bro-snuggles and the discovery of something between his captain and his A, before Braden kindly hits him with a clue bat.

Or: self-discovery is a bitch.

TJ/Carly:

press my nose up to the glass around your heart by nighimpossible [T, 6k]

“I swear to God,” TJ says, covering his face with his hands, “if I get an inkling that a bond is starting to form, I’m truly going to kill you, John Carlson.”

“It’s Carly,” Carlson grins, leaving him behind in the locker room. “And I’d like to see you try.”

toss, turn by alotofthingsdifferent[M, 3k]

John’s neighbor – the one who has a lot of loud, enthusiastic sex – is really, really hot.

John is in so much trouble.

do you even know the miranda rights? by nighimpossible [E, 9k]

Sidney Crosby’s brother swap program is going to be the death of TJ.

Inside My Bones by somethingnerdythiswaycomes [E, 3k]

TJ’s riding the high of winning a Stanley Cup Final Game, before John’s hand comes down hard on his shoulder, gripping him tight through his pads.  He knows what that hold means, what it means when John’s fingers dig into the soft spot just next to his armpit through the gap in his pads.

“You’re lucky we won,” John murmurs in his ear, hot breath fanning over TJ’s neck.

but then you say “please” by Anonymous [E, 2k]

“Quite the charmer,” TJ goads. His feet are a little more under himself now. “Bet you could get anyone you want, kissing them like that.”

“Cut the shit,” John says, but he’s smiling, running a thumb over TJ’s cheek.

TJ/Other:

hold me tight and i’ll sink in by thermocline [NR, 2.5k]

Willy/Latts/Oshie, Oshie/Carly, Oshie/Various Caps

The thing is, it’s happened a few times, during the season and mainly during first round.

TJ’s always been touchy. Not needy. Just better when he’s given touch. He works best when he’s receiving.

i’m a prisoner to my decisions by orphan_account [E, 1.5k]

Oshie/Willy

Lauren makes him forget the things he’s been running from since high school.

Tom makes him remember.

staying put by thegraceinyoureyes[E, 7k]

Nicky/Oshie, Oshie/Various Caps

There are bodies—hands all over him, all around him.

Other:

Covered in the Colors by sunshinexbomb [T, 12k]

Nicklas Backstrom/Mike Green

In which Nicky and Greenie pretend to be soul bonded so they can be road roommates.

Taste of Bavaria by JessamyGriffith[T, 7k]

Philipp Grubauer/Braden Holtby

Philipp Grubauer is a tour guide, resigned to spending yet another day introducing American tourists to the beauty of Bavaria.

Braden Holtby, star goaltender for the Washington Capitals, is looking forward to a nice day seeing the sights of Munich on his vacation.

Happily, neither of them is going to have their day go quite as expected.

drop by savedby [T, 2k]

Devante Smith-Pelly, Ensemble

five times the Washington Capitals welcomed DSP to the team and one time he did it for someone else

Tell The World by sunshinexbomb [M, 10k]

Nicklas Backstrom/Braden Holtby

Three times somebody finds out about Nicky and Braden and one time they decide to tell someone on their own.

feels like summer by Thorne [M, 30k]

The unglamorous fact of the matter is that lifeguarding, particularly at a community swimming pool, is much less about the dramatic rescues and slo-mo dives into the water that Baywatch has tricked people into believing, and much more about janitorial work that’s either tedious or gross, spiked with the occasional scraped knee or elbowed nose or no-holds-barred ice cream vendor death-match in the parking lot.

(Or, Karl’s in love with his best friend, all the local community pools in the Metropolitan county are at prank-war with each other, and also there are ducks.)

Oh, but how were we to know? by orphan_account [NR, 12k]

Tom Wilson/OMC

“How’d it feel skating with Gavin for the first time as teammates?” a reporter asks in the locker room after their first preseason game, played against the New York Islanders. “He cites you as such an integral part of his development into a player. It must be rewarding to see it come full circle.” 

When condemning the whole body by anonissue [E, 6k]

Braden Holtby/Nate Schmidt

There’s more than one way to cure the hiccups, as Braden Holtby has the misfortune to find out.

Wide Open by Ferritin4 [E, 2.5k]

Braden Holtby/Nate Schmidt

Braden opens his mouth again, because he’s glad it’s okay but he didn’t mean no, he just meant give me — give me a minute, give me —

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #175

“imagine living like a king someday, a single night without a ghost in the walls.”

Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Not to my recollection. Have you ever seen your ex’s new partner? If so, what do you think of them? I don't know or care if he currently has one. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? Done it twice now, it's not difficult if you're picky and serious with who you date. Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? Well my mom was somewhat aware of things that were happening. What was the last piece of candy you ate? Good question. I got my tongue re-pierced because of a bar length issue with swelling, and now this one is just shy of long enough to disable me from biting down entirely (they're snake eyes, so across the tip). I'm only just getting back into eating soft things very slowly unless I want pain, so candy's a no. I have to wait no less than three weeks to get a correctly-sized bar, and it's only been just over one aaaahhh. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? No. Is your room painted or wallpapered? Painted. What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? I'm an American I stan them meat lovers. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? No. Well actually idk, I still don't know for *sure* if I forgive him. Like I'm completely over it and it no longer affects me, but I could never ever ever ever look at him even remotely the same or even consider trusting him. I don't think that's supposed to happen when you forgive someone. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who has a homosexual parent? No. What type of music could this world live without? Pure screamo (no, not as a carpet term for metal). Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Who’s the last person you cried over? Does myself count? Did the house you grew up in have a fence? Yeah, but not all around. What’s your YouTube channel name? 0zzkat. Who of your FB friends has the cutest toddler(s)? Uhhhh idk. Anastasia's baby girl is pretty cute, I guess. Did you decorate pumpkins this year? No. :/ They were totally gone the day we were gonna get one (the day before Halloween so no, we weren't that surprised lmao). What’s the craziest color you’d dye your hair? More like what color WOULDN'T I dye it? What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again? Shadow of the Colossus. I've beaten it around 30 times. Would be more if I didn't lose the disc, buuut it's actually coming in the mail now! What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Don't show me that fucking Linkin Park "crawling in my crawl" worm video. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name? None come to mind. What’s your dearest souvenir? *shrugs* What was the last strong scent you smelled? Probably coffee bc of Mom. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? If so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? Long instance + same-sex simultaneously. Distance is fucking hard when you really want each other's company, especially for emotional support. Being same-sex makes me nervous due to potential violent homophobics, especiiiiaaaally living where I do. I do it regardless, but even just holding hands leaves me worrying some asshole is going to cause a problem. I know my sister's husband isn't at all fond of it either and I'm 99% sure he's why Sara's never met the kids. But anyway, all those things are absolutely worth it. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? Absolutely not, because I strictly believe in the exclusiveness of love. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? Colleen, probably. We are just about the antitheses of each other, yet we were "best friends." We disagreed too frequently, she was drama-ravenous, we kept leaving and coming back, etc. No, we don't talk now, and I refuse to ever do so again as friends. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? No. I absolutely do not believe in "making amends" with your abuser. Keep them the fuck out of your life. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? Toxic... you mean Colleen? Did it too many times, and no, she didn't. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? Part of me says no, another says yes. I guess it depends on the subject. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? Being socially awkward as all hell, and yes. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? I was playing Spyro just earlier today lmao. In almost all cases, no. I do believe that something like a full-grown adult playing pretend with dolls or something may be questionable, but even then there's not a real reason I can give you. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? Something PTSD-related, but I can't remember exactly what it was, I guess because I got past it pretty quickly. There are certain songs I should avoid, I canNOT look at the medicine I ODed on, I don't like seeing or being near large knives at all... If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? All of them, yeah. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? I feel that too many people working in the field care far more about the pay than the people. I can't guarantee a professional truly cared about what I was dealing with until Holly Hill. I've had one particularly horrible psychiatrist that threw diagnoses and pills around like they were nothing (the most ridiculous being ADHD, which I in no way exhibited), and a long-time therapist I had was pretty bad, something I realized only after I started with my current one. She was strict about that "you've got an hour, you're staying an hour, you're leaving no later" shit, and we always ran out of things to talk about so I'd just be sitting there super uncomfortably and numerous times start crying because I felt so awkward, and she'd just take it as a sign that I wasn't telling her something. She drove "and how does that make you feel" and "what're you thinking of" into the goddamn ground. Yeesh, having been a mental health patient for so long, I could really write a novel here. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? Hm, idk. I'm so uninvolved with others that that's a hard question to answer. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? HAVING THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR PANTS GET WET. I hate chapped lips, too. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Are you ticklish? YEAH. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? No. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? I wouldn’t. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Only hot tubs. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's hard lemonade. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Idk, I was a baby. What was your first detention for? Too many tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever been on radio? No. How long has your longest ever phone call been? A few hours. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Ummm I guess some kind of chicken is common? When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Idk. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Uhhhh how am I blanking, I change my mind on things every five minutes. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Sara's both my girlfriend but also the only "friend" I ever hang with now even tho we live several states apart lmao. I was there two weeks, so we did an array of stuff. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Hell, I barely ever remember my dreams. Jason still shows up maybe ehhhh around or maybe less than once a month, and I have no clue why other than maybe there's some PTSD effects I don't actually detect or something? It's not like I think about him much, so I really don't see why he shows up, but the theme is constant: awkwardness seeing each other again, and he sometimes tries to get back with me (thank FUCKING GOD even in my dreams, I don't). Sara's in some dreams that I remember. Mom, maybe. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? Nothing. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? I'll usually turn to YouTube for a distraction. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? Probably Bite Me by idr-who. I actually don't remember. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? Another sensor came off the keyboard. :') I dunno about fixed. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? Butterflies and semicolons. Hence my semicolon butterfly tattoo. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? Yeah. What do you get complimented on the most? My hair. What is something unusual that you find attractive? why does?????? everyone hate fedoras tbh?????????? What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? BOY this varies so much like fuck. Sometimes I don't eat breakfast at all, sometimes I do right when I get outta bed. Dinner can be at like almost 10:00 with Mom's schedule, or I may have it like five hours earlier. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I'm getting into a horror LPer and I'm binging her Silent Hill playthroughs. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I like pink but bloody guts and brains are cool 2. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? N/A What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video/computer games. Have you ever been close to drowning? No. Do you watch any Japanese anime? Not currently, but I've kinda had the urge to pick an interesting one up? Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? Mom and Sara above anyone else. Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? Uhhhhh good question. I don't exactly go to new places often. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? I don't believe so off the top of my head? Then again I think everyone has little bad habits they don't try to improve upon, but I can't think of anything serious. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? I'm sure something with Mom, but idk what. Are you good at committing to things like Nanowrimo or Inktober? Nope. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Or drawing if I'm in the mood. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? I tried to reach the suicide hotline via their online one-on-one chatroom because I was too afraid to actually call, but I ended up waiting I think 45 minutes before the OD happened. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? I drove at night and ordered food at a drive-thru myself. It went well. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I have a strong sense of right and wrong. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? Depression as a whole. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Social life, success, and motivation to name a few. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? Sure. Mental health stuff flares up sometimes if I think about some things too deeply. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? Getting rid of Bentley, and neither, really. Mom knows we shouldn't have him for a world of reasons, yet she refuses to try to find a far more suitable home for him or at least talk to Nicole about it (he's her dog, but she doesn't live here), who's never even paid him almost any attention. I could rant about this for hours. What is something you wish was different about your family? THAT WE WERE CLOSER. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting out of the house/becoming more of a functioning adult. Are you more dramatic or stoic? I'm neither extreme, really, but I'd say I'm much further from stoic. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? A lot, but the only ones I feel don't work are the ones for my tremors and knees. I was on one med for a while that I was scared to take because it made me vomit (safe to say I wasn't on it long), and even my life-saver med made me sick at first, but I took prescription nausea pills to ride that out as my body adjusted. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Short, but not too short. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Idr. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? I'm picky and definitely have a limited palate. Some foods I can think of for the last question include fried chicken, BBQ, watermelon, tacos, all cheeses but American, aaaand I'm blanking again in an area I should have a book about. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Ha, as if, so personality. I like how open-minded I am. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? It depends on the person, the atmosphere, and my anxiety level. I sometimes fear complimenting people because I don't want someone to be like "um why is she talking to me?"/"is she flirting with me?"/"why did she notice that?", etc. I become so giddy (at the very least internally) when people compliment me because of how my self-esteem is, and I really appreciate them. The compliments that mean most to me are regarding my photography. With how badly I want to be a successful photographer, people seeming to genuinely like what I do has actually made me smile like an idiot and giggle publicly. It just means a lot to me. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? A clip of Mark having a fit over a dog in RDR2. How much I reblog varies greatly; depends on how much I get on Tumblr that day, what I feel like sharing at that moment, what I queue... Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. Do you listen to your friends’ advice when they give it to you? Depends. If it's Sara, I usually do. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? Vegetable. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It is pierced. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? I don't recall. Did you ever have a favorite teacher in high school? What made them your favorite? Coach Collie. He was very friendly, wise, his sense of humor was great, he cared deeply for his students, was super chill, shared life advice all the time, etc. etc. Can you think of a time when you were really obviously judged by your appearance? What happened? Not that I recall. What’s something your mother told you growing up that you actually listened to? Mind your manners. What are three emotions you experience regularly? Stress, content, but also discontent. What is your favorite Halloween candy? Reese's. Is there anyone who refuses to communicate with you? *shrugs* What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something for vocational rehab. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have a job or drive. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? When I found out one of my closest high school friends is pregnant. I was obviously happy for her. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? Anger; envy (but it's not often). Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? Plenty times, but it depends on my level of shits given and the location. Honestly wish pjs were more acceptable in public places cuz like why not, you've got clothes on, just don't go around where everyone can totally see your dick, ass, or tits. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? My phone. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? LOTS!!!! I particularly love fantasy-styled portraiture or macabre work, and omg give me soft lighting. I'm a sucker for emotive or conceptual portraits and the like. I like to photograph an array of things, but my faves are nature and animals. Have you ever gone out for the Black Friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? Nope. Busiest shopping day I indirectly experienced was when I worked at GameStop during the holiday season... nope. It's a small store and it was flooded. I hated it. Idk about one where I/my family was the shopper. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? No. No. No. NO. I can't stomach going any further back than '15 at the RP forum because fucking cringe. All old stuff like physical journals and such, they're long gone because I never want to see them again lmao. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? Hmmm, probably video games were the first things I was *really* deep into. Recently developed... good question. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat/cold, etc? I'M FUCKING /CRANKY/ IF I'M HOT. Serious lack of sleep makes me moodier. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? Work and independence. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? HEAT. If it's hot to me, you're gonna know. I'll complain if my stomach especially hurts, sometimes with other pain. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? I don't cook, so. But I'd definitely be the latter. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? I hung up on this insurance agency or whatever they are that call me every other goddamn day. I dunno about the second question. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? I fucking dare you to ridicule the mentally ill in front of me. Goddamn dare you. For the second part, not to my recollection. Do you have a large dog? No, both our dogs are medium-sized. If not, are you afraid of them? Not at all. Do your parents know that/if you smoke? I don't. What is the reason you last received money? Mom borrowed some from me so she was paying me back. Is anyone in your family sick? Not to my knowledge. Are you very upfront about things or do you "beat around the bush"? The latter, typically. Do you ever write poetry just to get your feelings out? Not really anymore. Middle and high school? I was all about it. I wrote only one poem this year. How many bones have you broken? None. Whose house did you visit last? My sister Ashley's. Have you ever bought a fragrance by a celeb because you liked who it was? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. What’s your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia.

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

Standing Still

Not My Gif

Vasquez x Reader x Faraday, Female Reader, Polyandrous Relationship

AO3 Link/ Support Me on Ko-fi

Requested by Anonymous:  Maybe “Just go away” and “Why didn’t you tell me?” With Josh and Vas?

A/N: This is my first time writing a poly relationship, so I apologize in advance.

Word Count: 2.7 K

           A woman being in a relationship with two men was not something one would consider normal, and yet, that was how your life had decided to go. 

          You weren’t going to complain, but there was no shaking just how odd it all was. Faraday was always quick to point out Mormons had been doing it in reverse for years, and considering the scarcity of women west of the Mississippi, it would be downright selfish of him and Vasquez to take one each for themselves.

           The three of you met when Mrs. Emma Cullen went out in search of gunmen to protect the small town of Rose Creek.  You and Vasquez hit it off right away with Faraday not far behind as the week went on.  After the battle, Sam, Goodnight, Billy, Jack, and Red all went their separate ways, but you, Vasquez and Faraday all ended up going in the same direction and hadn’t split up since.

           It took time, but your feelings grew stronger and stronger every day for one another, until finally it exploded in a mix of booze, shouting, and sex. Once you sobered up, you were finally able to talk it out like reasonable adults, and confronted the simple truth they you all loved each other and there was no sense in trying to hide it.

           It wasn’t always easy.  Faraday had the uncanny ability to drive Vasquez to the point of insanity. Vasquez’s temper at times got the better of him and your own stubborn streak could lead to not talking to either of them for days on end until one of you cracked. But you still managed to balance each other out, and none of you could truly be whole without the other.  

           You loved them, and you knew they loved you right back, but there was no avoiding who they were.  Faraday was a drinker, a gambler, and overall scoundrel.  Vasquez as a wanted man, constantly looking over his shoulder. Neither was the type to settle down. You tried to never let that fact bother you.  You didn’t mind the idea of being on the move forever, but you knew, eventually you would have to stop.  

           Faraday and you took the lead as you rode into town, scouting out the area, or more specifically, the sheriff’s office.  You started making a habit of watching the wanted posters whenever you came into an unfamiliar place.  Luckily, none of the posters mentioned Vasquez by picture or name. Faraday offered to give Vasquez the all clear while you checked in with the local doctor.  

           You hadn’t been feeling well as of late.  Most of your mornings were spent bent over a rock puking.  You waved it off as nothing more than hard riding combined with something you ate, but both men insisted you see a doctor.  You reluctantly agreed, but for your own reasons.

          You had a sinking feeling you had something much more permanent than an ailment of the stomach.

           You found the doctor easily enough and allowed him to run as many tests as he could.  You bobbed your knee anxiously as he took your temperature and checked your pulse.

           “How long have you been feeling this way?” the doctor asked.

           “About a week,” you said.

           “And it always happens in the morning.”

           “More or less.”

           The doctor nodded his head, as he took his hand away from your wrist.

           “Ma’am, this is going to sound rather crude, but rest assured it is purely in medical interest.  When was the last time you bled?”

           You didn’t answer right away, trying to remember.  You hadn’t exactly been keeping track considering your life style, but the more you thought about it, the longer ago it seemed.

           “I’m not sure,” you admitted.

           “Well, it seems to be you don’t have a stomach flu at all,” he said with a smile. “You’re pregnant.”

           Your breath stopped in your throat as you felt the color drain from your face. You thought it might be possible, but the reality was something entirely different.

           “I’d say you’re about a month along,” he continued, oblivious to your thoughts. “I’m sure your husband will be thrilled at the news.”

           You nodded, unable to form a coherent thought.  

           The doctor continued to rattle off instructions to which you were only half conscious of.  You smiled and thanked him in a daze as you walked out the door.

          You were pregnant.  You were going to be a mother.  Vasquez or Faraday was the father.  

          You didn’t bother to get back on your horse.  You just unhitched him and walked down the street trying your best to delay the inevitable.  

          The sun was starting the set by the time you reached the inn.  You took your time leading your horse to the small stable alongside it before making your way inside.

          You made you way up the stairs, and stopped in front of the door, listening closely. You hoped Vasquez and Faraday had already found their way to the gambling hall, but no such luck.  You heard both their voices through the door, talking about something you couldn’t make out. Steeling yourself, you walked in.

          Vasquez was standing by the mirror, washing his hands and face while Faraday sat on the bed, buttoning up his only clean shirt.  Both looked to you as you entered, each with their own looks of concern.

          “Hey darlin’,” Faraday said.  “What’d the doc say?”

          You pushed aside your dark thoughts giving the best easy smile you could.

          “Ain’t nothing bad,” you said.  “Just told me I should rest up a couple of days.”

          Vasquez walked over to you, taking a gentle hold of you and pressed his lips to your forehead.  

          “How are you feeling now?” he asked.

          “Honestly, a bit tired,” you said, sighing for effect. “I think I might just stay in bed tonight.  You don’t mind, do you?”

          “I think I can manage without my good luck charm for at least one night,” Faraday said.

          “You sure about that guerro,” Vasquez countered.

          “Hey, have some faith.  I made it long enough to meet you two didn’t I?”

          “A miracle on its own.”

          Faraday only smirked as he stood from the bed and walked over to you.  He pressed a quick peck on Vasquez’ lips before turning you and kissing your cheek.

          “Take care of yourself sweetheart, alright?”

          You gave a small nod.  

          He smiled in return and walked out the door.

          “He’s going to be impossible tonight, isn’t he,” you said, just as the door closed.

          Vasquez chuckled lightly.

          “Probably,” he said. “Do you want me to keep you company instead?”

          You shook your head giving him a reassuring smile.

          “No, you have fun tonight. You haven’t had a chance to loosen up in a while.”

          “You sure?”

          “Yeah.”

          Vasquez looked you over carefully, checking for the lie, but he couldn’t find it. He placed a soft kiss on your lips before pulling away.

          “Beunas noches cariña.”

          “Beunas noches.”

          He gave you a soft smile, and walked out the door leaving you completely alone.

          You walked over to the bed and sat down. You knew the lie wouldn’t last you long. Eventually they would start to notice your stomach growing and how you wouldn’t be able to drink with them and a number of other facts leading to the truth. You couldn’t face it though.  You knew what the truth meant.  You didn’t even consider the option of giving the child up.  It was made from the truest love you’d ever felt.  You couldn’t bare letting go of something made up of each of you.  But a simple fact remained.  They would leave.  They would have to, at some point or another, they would leave you.

          You felt the tears starting to form in your eyes.  You knew this day was coming, you just didn’t expect it to come so soon.

          Holding you head in your hands, you allowed your emotions to run rampant as the tears started burning down your cheeks.  You knew what you had to do.

          As quietly as you could, you started packing your bags.  There wasn’t much to pack.  Faraday has learned from experience you didn’t like other people touching your stuff and so only unpacked the things that got in the way of his own clothes and essentials.

          You worked slower than you normally would have, stopping every so often to cry or look around the room, or listen to the stairs almost hoping they would come back up, just in time to stop you, but no one came.

          Sooner than you would had liked, you were packed.  You paused a moment to look around the room.

          You should leave them a note, something to explain your actions, but you couldn’t think of what to say.  You didn’t want to lie to them with some made up excuse, but you knew the truth would lead them to follow you.

          You shook your head, grabbed your bags, and made your way down the stairs and towards the stables.  You didn’t stop until you reached your horse.  

          “We’ve got to go boy,” you said walking over to your saddle.

          Suddenly a loud bang came from the pin beside him.

          You jerked your head to see Jack pacing the stall, kicking and neighing as loudly as you ever heard him.

          “Jack,” you scolded, walking over to him.  “Jack, quiet, will you?”

          He didn’t let up, shaking his head and jerking away from you as you tried to calm him down.

          “C’mon boy, it’s alright. It’s just me.”

          “Y/N!”

          You turned around, your stomach dropping to see Faraday standing in the doorway in the stables panting.

          He didn’t even get you time to respond, as he turned his head over his shoulder.

          “Vas, I found her,” he yelled just before walking further into the stable.

          “Sweetheart, what are you doing,” he asked.

          “Just go away.”

          He didn’t stop, reaching out to you.

          “Y/N…”

          “Don’t touch me!” you snapped.

          He stopped in his tracks, retracting his hand immediately.  It was then he noticed your bags on the ground, and your saddle sitting just beside your horse.  He then looked back to you, as realization took over his features.  

          You felt the emotions starting to build back up pressure to your eyes and throat as you tried desperately to keep the tears at bay, but to no avail.

          It was then Vasquez entered looking between you and Faraday in utter confusion.

          “What happened?”

          You couldn’t answer.  You weren’t even sure how you were still breathing as you choked on the air.

          “I think she was planning on leaving,” Faraday answered for you, not bothering to look as Vasquez.

          The other man stood stalk still.  Disbelief, confusion, hurt, anger and all the rest played across his face as he finally settled his eyes on you.

          “Why?”

          You shook your head, wiping away your tears as best you could.

          “Don’t ask me that,” you said hoarsely.  

          “No, I think we outta,” Faraday said.  He made no effort to hide his bitterness.  You couldn’t blame him.  

          “I can’t.”

          “Can’t what?”

          “Please!” you begged, finally turning your eyes to look at him. “Please, just let me go.”

          “Not until you tell us what’s going on!”

          You shook your head.  You couldn’t say the words.  You looked away from them as another sob wracked through your body.

          Faraday let out a groan of frustration, turning his back and walking away from you.

          Vasquez didn’t say anything.  He looked to Faraday, meeting his eyes.  There was a small series of looks back and forth in a silent conversation ending with Faraday giving a tired shrug.

          Vasquez then turned to you. With all the caution of one approaching a spooked horse, he stepped towards you.

          “Y/N,” he said softly.  

          You didn’t look at him, but you didn’t pull away either.

          He took a chance, reaching out to place and gentle hand on your arm.

          “Look at me.”

          You did as you were told, regretting it instantly.  

          Faraday was a poker player in every sense.  His face barely gave away anything when he didn’t want it to.  Vasquez was completely different.  For all his practiced machismo, his eyes always gave away what he was really thinking.  

          Guilt tore through you as you saw the pain you had caused him.  The pain you caused both of them.  You hadn’t meant to, but it was obvious your methods had been in vain. They needed to know.  You owed them that.

          “I’m pregnant,” you said weakly.

          Vasquez froze, his eyes going wide as he stared at you in complete shock.

          “What?”

          Faraday turned back to you then, looking at you with the same expression.

          “I’m pregnant,” you repeated, a little louder, leaving no room for doubt.

          Vasquez glanced back to Faraday as if to make sure he had just heard the same thing.

          Faraday didn’t look at him.  His eyes stayed right on you.  You almost wanted to laugh.  It took a lot to take the words right out of Joshua Faraday’s mouth.

          Vasquez turned back to you, looking down your body to your stomach.  He reached his hand out to touch it, but retracted it at the last second before meeting your eyes once more.

          “Are you alright?” he asked limply.

          “Yeah,” you said, smiling slightly.  “I mean, I do have a person inside me, but yeah.”

          “But you sure?” Faraday asked, regaining his voice. “You’re absolutely sure.”

          You gave a small nod.

          “The doc said I was probably about a month or so along.”

          Vasquez cursed something in Spanish under his breath while Faraday ran a hand over his face.  Both of them seemed at a loss as to what to do as they processed the information.

          “Why didn’t you tell us?” Vasquez finally asked.

          You looked down at you boots.  A part of you was ashamed, but another part knew you were right, or at least, thought you were.  

          “I didn’t think you would want it,” you confessed. “I thought it would just be easier on all of us.”

          “Why would you think that?”

          “Do you want this baby?” you asked him plainly. “Either of you?”

          Neither of them said anything.  They each looked at each other, as guilt and uncertainly spread across their faces. It was all the answer you needed.

          “I know you two,” you said simply. “You’re good men, but you’re not fathers.”

          “Is that what you really think of us?” Faraday asked.

          “When was the last time we stayed anywhere more than a few weeks?” you asked. “How long is it until someone runs us out of town or the sheriff starts to get suspicious?  Me, I don’t mind it, but I can’t do that to them.”

          You looked down at your stomach, placing a hand over it tenderly.  For a moment, you could see them.  A red haired little girl, a dark-haired boy, brown eyes, green eyes, all playing in front of you.  A child you could call your own with the perfect mix of all of you.

          “I have to stand still,” you said softly, “and I can’t ask you to do the same.”

          “We could try,” Vasquez said.

          You shook your head, feeling the tears come back into your eyes.

          “For how long?” you asked.

          “As long as you want us,” Faraday said.

          You looked up at him in surprise.

          Faraday stepped back towards you taking a place besides Vasquez.  You had never seen him so serious before. You waited for a crack, a smirk, something, but it never came.  

          “We won’t leave you Y/N,” he said. “You or the baby.”

          You looked between the two of them, feeling a small bit of hope beginning to swell inside you.

          “I want to believe you…”

         “Then believe us,” Vasquez said. “We’ll make it work.  We’ll prove it to you.  Just give us a chance.”

          You could feel the determination behind his words.  Both him and Faraday.  

          You felt yourself nodding, giving in to the love you had for them.

          Faraday quickly took you into his arms, hugging you tightly.  You returned it tenfold wrapping your arms around him like a life line.  You felt Vasquez come up behind you holding you close effectively enveloping you in the warmth of the two men you loved.

          Maybe it was a bad idea.  Maybe it would end in heart break.  But for the moment, you had them, and they had you.  Your child would be loved and that was enough.

[polyrolemodels]

Everyone comes at polyamory from their own background and series of choices. For some, it’s their “cure” to cheating. For others, it’s a slow slide away from swinging and into more romantic partnerships with others. Others start it out as an experiment with fantasies until suddenly you can’t imagine what your life would look like without sharing it openly with others. And whether I’m talking about my personal origin — how I, personally, knew I was poly–or how my Husband and I came to open up our marriage, these are the fundamentals of what led us to where we are now.

While ultimately the decision was made on a Wednesday in July 2004, right before a Sarah McLaughlan concert, there were a series of events and conditions that led us to that decision. Here’s a look back at the major components that led to our polyamory story.

We are individuals who choose to share our lives together

I’ve known Husband-Writer since 1996 when we went on a musical tour of Europe together. He was a musician and writer with a generous soul and a sharp wit. We got to know each other very well on that tour and he quickly endeared himself to me by being in my life. Our love is based on the friendship we developed at the time, the rapport that was built on a shared sense of humor and a passionate love of expression.

I nurture his courage as a writer and as a father. I give him acceptance and motivation and honest but encouraging feedback on his characters and stories. He gives me unconditional support as I foolishly sacrifice once more to the world. He sees my vulnerability and emotions and calmly reflects the truth of myself back to me. We empower each other as equals.

And no matter how I say it here, I’m sure he would say it a 1000x better.

Polyamory is first and foremost built on trust. Trust is deepened when you can separate your partner from yourself and see each other as full and complete human beings. Each person has their own ambitions, their own joys, their own memories, their own feelings. And none of those things are dependent on you, but instead are willingly shared with you. Your partner has chosen to share these days, these memories, these ambitions, these feelings with you and in healthy relationships, those aspects of our humanity are emboldened, enlightened and enriched. Our commitment is to bring out the goodness and nurture the talent in each other.

Husband and I are partners in this way. We each came into the relationship with our own needs, wants, and ideals. And in fact, we started the romantic part of the relationship 3 years after we had met, Beyond this, he was a full-time father to a brilliantly gifted boy (now man!?). We came to the relationship as whole people, not halves searching for completion. We have always created room to support one another with not just the mutual ambitions (like fixing up our house), but our individual ones too (like him publishing his first comic). And to do that, you have to truly see one another as individuals. And while there is some truth to sacred union aspect of our marriage–the union of two souls–we have never possessed each other the way other couples do.

Jealousy isn’t a featured guest

There are a number of people out there who believe that it’s a badge of honor to “prove your love” through insane amounts of jealousy. When we got together just after I graduated from college (a year early! woot!), I had just ended a long-term contract/fuck buddy/live-in relationship with a man I call Navy Boy. He offered comfort and security without judgment or expectation. That had been the most comfortable I had been with commitment after the last official “boyfriend” became jealous and paranoid of all my male friendships to the point of telling me that once we married he would make sure I wouldn’t have to work since he wouldn’t trust any of those men around me. This contract relationship offered me the freedom to be myself while still allowing me to share intimacy with someone.

Navy Boy figures prominently into much of why we are polyamorous. When Husband and I started dating, I made it clear that I was friends with my exes, had plenty of male based friendships and was going into a male-dominated industry. If he couldn’t handle it, he had this opportunity to back out. He didn’t. He signed on for all of who I am, including these friendships and feelings.

See, despite the contract-for-sex relationship that Navy Boy and I had, I realized far too late that I loved him. I carried him in my heart from Chicago back to Colorado. That love has always coexisted with the love that I had for Husband and the love I had for my prior partners.  The coexistence of that love for many people has been a fact of my relationship since the very beginning. The security of my relationship with Husband has never been dependent on the absence of others. In fact, if anything my love for others has given him a greater sense of security–he knows that I keep choosing to share my life with him, a continuing commitment.

The security of my relationship with Husband has never been dependent on the absence of others. In fact, if anything my love for others has given him a greater sense of security–he knows that I keep choosing to share my life with him, a continuing commitment that we make each day to each other.

Jealousy has just never been a part of our story. We have flares of it. In the beginning, I was more jealous of the time he spent with his best friend and he was more jealous when I felt a connection to someone of a more political persuasion. But for both of us, we realized that this jealousy is more that we know those people can do things for the other that neither of us is able to provide. We’ve realized that jealousy is a signal of an insecurity, fear or assumption within–one that is best handled if we bring it up and discuss it, getting reassurance and love in return.

Our communication rocks

The first real signs that we would become poly was when we were preparing for our wedding through the Catholic Church. My church required that you go through basic premarital classes and counseling, especially if one of the parties is not Catholic, like Husband. As such, we took a compatibility quiz. The priest put us in separate rooms and had us rate how much we agree/disagree with 250 or so statements to measure our compatibility on things like finances, communication, family values, relationship, sexuality, etc.

As I went through the questions, I realized that they ranged all over the map, especially the statements relating to cheating.

“I believe that kissing someone else is cheating”

“I believe kissing someone else is cheating”

“I believe that  meeting alone with the opposite sex is cheating”

“I believe that looking at someone else is cheating”

I remember our scores were rather high, except with financial compatibility. The priest told us he wasn’t concerned about us because our score on communication were some of the highest he had ever seen. No matter what our problem, we’d be able to talk it out. If we hung onto that, we’d have a long and happy marriage.

This experience, more than anything, is what got us thinking that there wasn’t really one definition of cheating, that we could decide for ourselves what it is. After a few weeks of talking, we decided that kissing and loving someone wasn’t cheating in our book. Anything beyond that had to be negotiated. This moment was the true start of us becoming poly although we didn’t call it that at the time.

This set the stage for the decisions to come.

This grew longer than expected, so I cut it into two parts. Stay tuned for Part II coming soon!

Poly Origin Stories is a special feature of Poly Role Models. We all arrive at polyamory from unique angles. It’s important to recognize our different starting points and to acknowledge that there is no one way to do it “right”. If you’ve got an origin story you’d like to share, please share it here.

[cuppie-cek-creative-blog]

The term unicorn gets thrown around a lot in the poly community and I hate it. While they may be rare and hard to find I do NOT consider my third a unicorn. She is rare, yes, and majestic and beautiful just like a unicorn but she is NOT a sexual conquest. I am not a child. I do not need notches on my belt to make me feel better about my sex life. She is completely and wholly a part of this relationship. Her wants and needs matter. Her feelings matter. I could not fathom a world where I put her on some sort of sexual podium and expect her to act accordingly. She is a human being.

When I said I loved her I damn well meant it was the same love I have for my primary. I believe in poly relationships. I believe that it is unnatural to be with one human being for life. I believe that communication makes these things work and I will do my damnedest to make sure both partners feel the same love.

I am one person but I have a lot of love to give. Too much even for one person. I love my husband but he will never be able to fully provide me the needs I have and I in turn cannot give him everything he wants. We know this. We are OK with this.

I feel no jealousy towards his time with her. I love it in fact. I cannot wait for him to have alone time with her. I want them to have a date. There are things she can tell him she simply can’t tell me and that’s ok.

For me I’m happier knowing both of them can confide in one another and me.

It’s like having two safety nets instead of one.

People hate this. Their petty jealousy gets in the way. What they don’t understand is it’s ok to feel jealous. That is a normal human reaction to a sense of lack of attention or affection. It’s the communication part you have to work on.

No it isn’t easy going every day without seeing her. I love her. I want every second to be about her but it can’t be and that’s ok too. I just have to make the effort to let her know she’s as loved as the one with me daily.

And for the love of GOD it doesn’t have to be sexual always. Sure sexy time is amazing. It’s transcendent even but it isn’t the lifeline of this relationship.

People hear poly they hear threesome. No, that isn’t what I said. I said relationship, sir. I would never pressure her into anything. Her decision to be sexual is hers alone. She isn’t obligated to provide me or my SO with sex ever.

I didn’t fall in love with her naked body. Fuck I hadn’t even seen it until well after. I fell in love with her and her mind and so did he.

[fanfiction-and-coffee]

"No way - I can’t have TWO soulmates." with Lance/Shiro/Keith? Only if you're still taking soulmate prompts! ^^

okay disclaimer, I don’t really know much about polyamory, so rather than potentially spreading incorrect information about how polyamorous relationships work, I left this open enough that you can interpret it as romantic or platonic or a combination of the two, it’s totally  up to you as the reader. (personally, I really love the idea of platonic soulmates tbh.) (and if any of my followers is poly and wants to educate me, that would be amazing!) I went with the good ol’ “soulmate’s name appears on your body as a tattoo” au because it’s a classic and I think it fits this prompt well. 

and for the record, in writing this I’m assuming keith and lance are the same age and that shiro is like two years older so please don’t harass me about age gaps I just write what people tell me to okay

prompt is from this list

Keith knows that the soulmate system is complicated. He knows that there are sometimes flukes, complications. He knows that some soulmates are lovers, while some instead share a deep, unbreakable friendship. He knows that some soulmates are born on opposite sides of the world, and that a lot of those couples never meet. He knows that some people get their marks early in their teens, while some don’t get them until their twenties. He knows that some people never get a mark at all.

But he’s never heard of someone having two marks before.

The first name appeared a few days after his fifteenth birthday, a single Japanese character inked into the skin on the inside of his left forearm. The lines are thick and smooth and almost look like brush strokes, and a few hours on a translater app revealed that the character is “shiro,” the Japanese word for the color white. Keith wonders if this is his soulmate’s real name, or if it’s a nickname. He wonders if the fact that his soulmate is Japanese means that they’ll never meet each other, spending their entire lives on opposite sides of an ocean.

He signed up for Japanese classes the semester after it appeared, just in case.

He’s sixteen now, and he’s almost definitely going to be late for his first class because he’s spent the last fifteen minutes staring into his bathroom mirror, studying the new mark that has appeared on his right shoulder while he was sleeping. This one, at least, requires no translation. The letters are phonetic, a sloppy cursive, like his soulmate had scribbled down their signature in a hurry. L-a-n-c-e.

“No way - I can’t have TWO soulmates.” He runs careful fingers over the letters, as if he expects them to rub off like paint, but they’re inked just as deeply and permanently as the character on his opposite wrist. He wonders if this is some kind of cosmic screw-up, or if it means that something has happened to his other soulmate. His chest tightens at the thought.

He skips class that day, opting instead to wade through dozens of online forums dedicated to “unusual” soulmate situations. After several hours, he does find a few other cases of people with multiple marks, although apparently it’s incredibly rare, even more so than someone being born without any. One anonymous forum user claims that they have two marks, as does each of their soulmates, and that the three of them have been in a healthy romantic relationship for years. Another user tells the story of how one of their soulmates is their lover, the other their best friend.

He spends quite a while just staring at the names on his skin, wondering who they are and what connection they’ll have to him if or when he finds them.

Keith doesn’t find his first soulmate until it’s too late.

Stories of the Kerberos mission are everywhere, from television to the Internet to the conversations of strangers on the street.

Three people missing, presumed dead. Sam and Matt Holt, father and son, and their pilot.

The pilot’s name was Takashi Shirogane, but a few of the news networks mention that he was better known as “Shiro” to his family and friends.

Keith pauses the news story when he hears that, and spends what feels like hours staring at the face on the screen. They’ve used his Garrison graduation photo, and that’s what kills Keith the most, knowing that they were at the same damn school for two whole years and never noticed each other. He even remembers the seeing him in the halls, a tall, attractive boy with black hair and an easy smile. It had never occurred to him to check the names of the people in other classes, that his soulmate might have been in the same building as him, just a year or two older.

And now one of his soulmates is gone.

He skips school again, spends most of his day thinking about Shiro, about whether he was scared when he died. He briefly considers looking for Shiro’s family, reaching out to them, but he decides against it. He never knew their son – he has no claim to their grief, no right to feel the aching sense of loss that eats away at him and makes his chest feel hollow.

He runs his fingers over the mark on his shoulder, wondering if his other soulmate was Shiro’s as well. Wondering if maybe, somewhere in the big wide world, someone knows what he’s feeling, shares his peculiar kind of grief.

He drops out of the Garrison a few weeks later.

Lance is pretty sure that the universe is determined to make his life difficult, especially where soulmates are involved. He realized the whole thing was a cosmic joke the second he went through his yearbook and realized that the only Keith at the Garrison was the emo kid with the mullet.

Okay, so there’s no way of knowing for sure that this guy is his Keith. Hunk, ever the supportive best friend, encourages Lance to reach out to him, points out that the very worst thing that can happen is that Lance’s soulmate is a different Keith, in which case Lance doesn’t have to spend the rest of his life trying to convince him to cut his hair.

But Lance doesn’t reach out to him, doesn’t even talk to him. He tells Hunk that it’s because he doesn’t have time for soulmates right now, that he needs to focus on improving his flying skills if he’s going to make it into the fighter class. And that’s part of it, but not the whole truth. Lance keeps the truth to himself, because explaining the whole thing would mean telling Hunk about his second mark, which no one but his parents know about.

Lance wasn’t surprised when it was a guy’s name that showed up on his skin when he was fourteen. The handwriting was messy and cramped, the five letters positioned on the left side of his chest, just over his heart. K-e-i-t-h. He’d assumed that this was a future boyfriend, maybe a future husband. He knew platonic soulmates did happen, of course, but he’d always seen himself as more of a romantic type.

And then the second mark appeared on the other half of his chest and ruined everything. This one was more ambiguous. “Shiro” could be a guy or a girl, although at least he can be pretty sure that his second soulmate is Japanese. Although the fact that he has a second soulmate at all raises questions that he’s not sure he wants answers to.

And the thing that really scares him, the thing that keeps him from telling Hunk or his siblings or anyone about the second mark, is the idea that just because these people are his soulmates doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s theirs. He lays awake some nights, wondering if maybe Keith and Shiro only have each other’s names, if maybe he’s destined to be an outsider in their dynamic. And it’s that fear that keeps him from approaching the Keith at the Garrison.

He doesn’t give up completely, though. He still holds out some hope that maybe Keith will take notice of him and make the first move. He constantly works on his flying, half to improve his rank and half because he hopes that if he and Keith end up competing with each other, it will force whatever confrontation needs to happen.

The longer Keith goes without giving him any notice, the more he starts to believe that he isn’t the one. Or maybe that dark, quiet part of his mind is right, maybe his fears were justified, and maybe Keith only has one mark, one soulmate to look for. And maybe it isn’t him.

After a man named Shiro disappears on one of Pluto’s moons and Keith drops out of the Garrison, Lance decides that he’s definitely meant to spend his life alone.

Most days, Takashi Shirogane doesn’t know what is real and what is his broken, fevered brain trying desperately to give him a bit of relief.

He’s pretty sure that the gladiator fights are real. The adrenaline, the rush, the blood, the pain – it’s all too vivid, too dreadfully clear, to be anything but reality. After every fight, when he’s staring down at his own bloodstained hands, at the broken body of his opponent, he thinks that this is the only thing that has ever been real. Whoever he was before, whatever life he had, is gone. There is only the arena. There is only fighting and death.

He can’t decide if the names on his skin are real or a hallucination. Sometimes he runs a fingertip over the “Keith” etched along his ribs on his left side, or the “Lance” on his right wrist, and thinks that they’re the only real thing he has left. Other times, he stares down at the letters and thinks that they must be just another empty dream.

When they take his arm, he decides it doesn’t matter whether his soulmates are real or not. He’s never going to find them anyway, because he knows now that he isn’t going to get off this prison ship alive.

Keith thinks his hands might be shaking a little as he goes through his clothes (he doesn’t really have a closet, just a couple of boxes that he digs through whenever he needs an outfit), trying to find something big enough for Shiro. He’s still reeling, still trying to wrap his brain around the fact that Shiro is here, next to him. Not dead, but… changed. His black hair is streaked with white, much of the skin that isn’t covered by his clothes marred by scars. He looks… older. Tired. And he keeps glancing around with wide eyes, like he expects Keith’s room to melt away, leaving him back in whatever hell he just escaped from.

And there’s a guy named Lance sitting in the next room, loudly arguing with that Pidge kid. Keith is trying to decide whether that’s too weird to be a coincidence.

Once he’s found a shirt that’s always been far too big on him, but that he thinks will work for Shiro, he turns around the hand it over. He clears his throat, not sure if he should offer his guest some privacy or if it’s a bad idea to leave the guy who just escaped from an alien super-prison alone.

Shiro makes the decision for him when he shrugs and removes the dirty, torn shirt he’s wearing, too tired or in too much shock to care about his audience.

Keith barely manages to keep himself from audibly gasping.

Shiro’s torso is completely covered with scars, some of them raised lines, some puckered skin, some pink and raw as if they’re more recent than the others. But that isn’t what catches Keith’s attention. His gaze goes straight to Shiro’s left side, where he finds his own name, the black ink a sharp contrast against the white scar tissue surrounding it.

Lance has a feeling that it’s going to be several nights before he gets used to sleeping in the castle. It’s too quiet, too empty, and too… well, too alien. He can somehow feel that he’s a very, very long way from home. And besides that, so much has happened in the last twenty-four hours that he’s not sure he’ll ever fully process it.

Aliens. Robot lions. Paladins. Voltron. It would all sound ridiculous if he hadn’t just lived through it.

So when he hears a soft knock on his bedroom door, it only takes a few seconds for him to jump out of bed and answer it.

When he sees Shiro and Keith standing in his doorway, a glimmer of hope washes over him, followed immediately by a jolt of unease. He glances between the two of them, as if the reason for their visit might be written on one of their faces. Shiro, who looks much better now that he’s clean and rested, is wearing an expression that’s difficult to read. If Lance didn’t know better, he’d say he looked shy. Keith, on the other hand, just looks incredibly uncomfortable. And pissed.

It’s Keith who speaks first. “Dude. We were in the same year at the Garrison for three years. Why didn’t you tell me?”

And Lance knows that he should be relieved, or grateful, or even happy, but instead all he can manage to feel is annoyance. “What about you? You ignored me for all three of those years!”

“You could have introduced yourself.” Keith huffs, crossing his arms. “You’re just as much at fault here as I am.”

“At least I was actually looking for you.” Lance hisses, “Instead of just waiting around for my soulmate to fall from the sky or–” He cuts himself off when he realizes that, technically, Shiro did fall from the sky just the night before, albeit inside an escape pod.

“I figured after…” Keith glances at Shiro, like he’s not sure how to breach his next subject without being insensitive. “… after the Kerberos mission made the news, I figured I wasn’t meant to find my other soulmate. It seemed like I was meant to be alone.”

Lance doesn’t want to admit that he felt the same way, that he still feels that way. So instead, he narrows in on the other piece of information Keith has just revealed. “Wait, so you… you have two names, right?” He turns to Shiro. “Both of you?”

Shiro nods, a small smile breaking across his face. “I do. Although I’ll admit, this isn’t quite how I imagined meeting you.”

“Yeah.” Lance leans against his doorframe, suddenly feeling very tired. “So… what does this mean? That there’s three of us, I mean. I’ve never known anyone with more than one soulmate before.”

“I guess we’ll figure it out?” Keith sounds as unsure as Lance feels.

Shiro nods. “We’ve got a lot to figure out. And not just between the three of us. But we’ll be okay.” He claps a hand on each of the other boys’ shoulders, the gesture so easy that it feels natural.

Lance steps back, holding his door open for them. “You guys better come in, then. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

[nebris]

Polyamory: What, like, two girlfriends?

polyamory, n. poly • am • ory The fact of having simultaneous close romantic relationships with two or more other individuals, viewed as an alternative to monogamy, esp. in regard to matters of sexual fidelity; the custom or practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned. —Oxford English Dictionary, 2006

Franklin’s polyamory FAQ

Scroll down to visit the FAQ

Downloadable PDFs About Polyamory:

Polyamory 101

, a 15-page PDF that includes a dictionary of polyamory-related terms and other resources for polyamorous relationships. This PDF comes from a class directed by Cherie Ve Ard and Franklin Veaux at Florida Poly Retreat 2006.

Practical Jealousy Management

, a 7-page PDF used as a handout during my jealousy workshop at Florida Poly Retreat 2006.

Making Relationships Suck

, a handy PDF guide about how to make sure your relationships will fail miserably, used during my workshops at Florida Poly Retreat and Atlanta Poly Weekend, and revised in October 2014. Recommended reading for folks who want healthy relationships, too, so they know what to avoid. (Note: Not for the satire-impaired.)

What Is Polyamory?

An academic primer on polyamory written in 2012 by Franklin Veaux and edited by Eve Rickert. Polyamory FAQ

All right, so what is “polyamory”?

The word polyamory is based on the Greek and Latin for “many loves” (literally, poly many + amor love). A polyamorous person is someone who has or is open to having more than one romantic relationship at a time, with the knowledge and consent of all their partners. A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship where the people in the relationship agree that it’s okay for everyone to be open to or have other romantic partners. Polyamory is the idea or practice of being polyamorous or having polyamorous relationships.

So polyamory is like swinging?

Not exactly. Swinging has a different focus. Swingers focus on recreational sex, though friendships and deeper bonds may develop. With polyamory, deep relationships are the focus, though the sex is often fun.

Oh, I gotcha. So, like, you have a girlfriend on the side.

No. That is something different as well. The technical term for that is “cheating.”

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

No. The thing that defines a polyamorous relationship is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement.

If you are married, and you have a girlfriend that your wife doesn’t know about, or that your wife suspects but isn’t sure about, or that your wife knows about but isn’t happy with, you’re not poly, you’re cheating. Similarly, if you’re banging the milkman while your husband is out of town, you’re not poly, you’re cheating.

Polyamory is defined by informed consent of all the participants. Without it, it ain’t poly. If you can’t invite your lover over to Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your family because you don’t want anyone to know what you’re doing, it probably ain’t poly.

Poly, schmolly. It’s just a polite way of saying your partner lets you cheat.

No. Cheating is breaking the rules. If you aren’t breaking the rules of your relationship, you are not cheating, by definition.

The rules need not be explicit; even breaking the tacit rules of a relationship is cheating. If you do anything you cannot feel comfortable telling your mate about, or if you do anything that you know would make your mate unhappy if he or she knew about it, you are quite likely cheating, plain and simple.

Polyamory is a completely different way to define your relationship. Polyamory is an acknowledgment of the simple fact that relationships do not come in “one size fits all.” In a poly relationship—

Okay, okay, I understand. Poly is for people who can’t commit!

No, no, no. Just the opposite, in fact; people who can’t commit to one person sure as hell can’t make a lasting commitment to two!

It’s been my experience that many monogamous people actually practice “serial monogamy”—jumping from lover to lover to lover—while claiming to be “monogamous” with each one. While no reasonable person expects every relationship to last, it seems that many “serial monogamists” see their partners as expendable, or more often, stay with one partner only until someone “better” comes along. Polyamory is more ethical than serial monogamy as it is sometimes practiced; polyamorists do not discard their lovers when the next interesting person walks down the road. This flavor of serial monogamy is, I think, the essence of people who can’t commit!

But if you love someone, you shouldn’t want anyone else.

That’s a common idea, but it doesn’t really hold up in practice.

Many people believe that a person who has multiple loves can’t give their “whole heart” to any person. The belief goes that if you love one person, you can express your love wholeheartedly, but if you love multiple people, your love is divided up and is therefore not as deep. This is based on the “starvation model” of love—that is, you only have a limited amount of love, and if you give your love to one person, there is none left to give to anyone else—so if you fall in love with another person, you have to “pay” for it by withdrawing your love from the first person.

Love is not the same thing as money. With money, you have only a limited amount to spend, and when you give it to one person you have less left to give to another. But love behaves in wonderful and unpredictable and counterintuitive ways. When you love more than one person, you soon realize that the more love you give away, the more love you have to give. Yes, you CAN give your whole heart to more than one person, and when you do, you realize it’s the most beautiful feeling in all the world.

Don’t think of the contents of your heart the way you think of the contents of your wallet; it doesn’t work like that.

Some people also seem to feel that it is not possible to love more than one person at a time, so if you’re in a position where you’re in a relationship with one person and you happen to fall for someone else, this “proves” you don’t really love the person you’re with, right? After all, the feeling goes, we are put here on this earth to love only one other person, our one true soulmate in a world of six billion people…the single person who is right for us, and who by some quite astounding coincidence happens to go to the same school, or work at the same place.

This is the “scarcity model” of love—the notion that love is rare, that we can only have one true love, and that once we meet that one true love, the part of our brains that take notice of other people suddenly and mysteriously shut off.

Anyway, as I was saying, in a poly relationship, it is vital—perhaps even more vital than in a monogamous relationship—for everyone involved to know and understand the rules of the relationship, and abide by them. A successful poly relationship absolutely requires trust and security from everyone involved. If you cannot abide by the relationship’s rules, you cannot expect to make a polyamorous relationship work.

Rules? What rules? You want to sleep with someone else, you do, right?

It doesn’t work that way.

There are, of course, as many different varieties of polyamory as there are people; there’s no one right way to create a polyamorous relationship, though ethical polyamorous relationships do involve honesty, respect, and compassion. But being polyamorous does not give you license to make like a bunny in heat.

A polyamorous relationship isn’t about sex; it’s about building a romantic relationship with more than one person at a time.

And yes, there are rules.

Yeah? Like what kind of rules?

Depends on the relationship.

Some poly relationships, called “polyfidelity” relationships, have rules not much different from a traditional monogamous relationship, only there are more than two people involved. A polyfidelitous triad, for example, may have three people involved, with one person sexually active with the other two, or even with all three people sexually involved with one another. However, nobody in the relationship may take an “outside” lover, just as neither partner in a monogamous relationship is allowed to have an outside lover; if you do, it’s cheating. Cheating, if anything, is a more serious offense in a polyfidelity relationship than in a monogamous relationship—because if you cheat, you are betraying more than one person’s trust.

Other polyamorous relationships may permit the people involved to have “outside” lovers under certain circumstances—often, for example, only if the outside lover is approved beforehand by everyone involved, and only if the outside lover knows the nature of the relationship.

The individual relationships within a polyamorous group may be very complex, as well. In many cases, there may be one “primary” couple—a husband and wife, for example. Either or both of those people may have outside lovers, but those relationships are “secondary” in the sense that they involve less involvement in the partners’ day-to-day lives than, say, a marriage does.

Note: This does not mean that these relationships are of secondary importance, or that the people involved in such “secondary” relationships contribute less or are less valued! It simply means that these relationships have different goals or parameters than the “primary” relationship.

Or, the polyamorous relationship may be such that each individual relationship is as important as all the others, and no single couple is “primary.”

Uh-huh. Says who? Who makes these rules, anyway?

Everyone involved.

Polyamory is not about “I want to go shag that person over there, and if you don’t like it, tough.”

It’s reasonable for everyone involved to expect to have some kind of input on the relationships that go on. It’s reasonable to want to set limits, and it’s necessary and reasonable to want to establish a framework that protects both your feelings and the feelings of everyone else involved in the relationships, directly or indirectly.

You do this by negotiating a clear, explicit, and unambiguous set of conditions that guides the manner in which your relationships form, and establishes that framework that helps to make sure everyone’s needs are being met and nobody’s feelings are disregarded.

It is also important to understand that any breach of these terms is a very, very serious matter—just as serious as cheating in a conventional monogamous relationships! This framework, and the willingness of everyone involved to abide by the terms you set together, are what creates the foundation of trust that a polyamorous relationship requires. Without that trust, it’s reasonable to expect that you or someone you care about will end up miserable.

Didn’t this whole “free love” thing die out in the ’60s?

It never really existed, even back then.

But that’s irrelevant. Polyamory isn’t free love. All these different flavors of polyamory have their own dynamic, but ultimately, they are all about building relationships, not about sex.

Okay, so they are about sex as well. After all, most romantic relationships do involve sex, and poly is about romantic relationships. (Not for everybody, of course. There are folks who have romantic relationships without sex. But often, for many of us, romance does include some element of sex.) But the point is, it isn’t just the sex.

And the idea of polyamory predates the ’60s, anyway. In fact, it’s at least as old as human history. Examples of non-monogamous relationships can be found in many places at any time throughout history.

Isn’t this all some sexist, misogynistic, male-dominated Fundamentalist Mormon thing, like on that HBO show “Big Love”?

No. The image that many people have in their heads, of one man with many women as in the HBO series, is technically “polygyny.” Polygyny (from the Greek poly many + gynos woman) is the form of polygamy where a man can have more than one female partner, but women are not allowed to have more than one male partner.

In societies where polygyny is practiced, women are usually seen as little more than property. Since people have this mistaken notion of polyamory, it’s easy to understand why they think “polyamory” means “disrespect of women.”

But polyamory is not polygyny. Polyamory applies equally to everybody. In an ethical polyamorous relationship, the same opportunities are afforded to everyone, regardless of their sex. Polyamory is not about collecting a bunch of women for your harem. Polyamory is about sharing some part of your life and sharing your love with more than one other person—and your lovers sharing some part of THEIR lives and some part of THEIR love with more than one other person. Polyamory is not about “owning” your lovers and hiring an army of eunuchs to make sure they don’t stray.

Let’s get back to this sex thing. How do you decide who sleeps with whom?

Depends on the nature of the relationship. If there is a primary couple and secondary relationships, typically the primary couple will determine a set of ground rules for who is boinking whom, and when. In a polyfidelity group, the people work out their interpersonal dynamics themselves. And, of course, if you have a king-sized bed, who knows? Maybe you’ll find that you like an extra pair of feet in your bed!

But the “who is sleeping with whom” question isn’t necessarily the most interesting thing about a poly relationship. Remember, with polyamory, we’re talking about more than one romantic relationship, not just more than one sex partner. The social dynamic can be very complex, and goes way beyond who’s having sex with whom.

I’ll bet. Like, how do you keep from being jealous?

Ah, now that is a real question! In fact, that question has its own page.

But if someone feels jealous, isn’t that their problem?

No, it’s everyone’s problem, and successful resolution of the problem requires you to find out why they feel jealous.

If you treat your lovers as though they are interchangeable, they’ll be jealous. If you don’t take care to make your lovers feel wanted or needed, they’ll be jealous. If you aren’t careful to make it clear to all of your partners that you value them, you won’t keep any of them for long.

Sometimes, it’s easy, especially when you take a new partner, to forget your existing partner in the rush and excitement of exploring a new lover. In fact, some people even have a name for that giddy, infatuated stage of a new relationship; they call it “New Relationship Energy,” or “NRE.”

That’s when everyone involved is particularly prone to jealousy. There aren’t any cure-alls to ensure that your partners never feel jealous, of course, but it helps to make a point to pay attention to everyone, to include everyone in the majority of your activities—you know, to be considerate.

If you were raised with the idea that if your partner is looking at someone else, it’s because you aren’t enough, then you probably won’t be happy in a polyamorous relationship until and unless you can unlearn that idea and understand why it isn’t true.

People do have the capacity to love more than one other person; there isn’t a magical switch inside our brains that says once you love one person, the switch has been flipped and you can’t love somebody else. Any parent who has more than one child knows that it is possible to love more than one person.

But that doesn’t mean that those people are expendable or interchangeable. People with more than one child also know that their love for each child is unique and irreplaceable. Similarly, people in a healthy polyamorous relationship know that their love for each person in that relationship is unique and irreplaceable—and knowing that drives away jealousy.

Riiiight. Just like that, huh? But why would my lover want to shag someone else if I was adequate, hmm, smart boy?

It’s not about adequacy.

Many people are brought up to believe that if you’re interested in sleeping with someone else, it’s because your partner isn’t enough for you. It’s a myth that’s as common and enduring—and as false—as the idea of Santa Claus. Human beings don’t work that way. When we fall in love, the part of our brain that makes us attracted to other people does not magically shut off.

Someone once asked me, “How can you stand knowing your lover is with someone else? Don’t you feel like maybe they’re better in bed than you are?”

The long answer to that question is very complex. The short answer is simple: It doesn’t matter. It’s not a contest.

There are a lot of people in this world. If you look far enough, you will find someone who is better than you are at everything. You’ll find people who are better at cooking, better at sex, better at reading and writing and driving and every other thing you can think of. You can’t be the best person in the world at everything. Deal with it.

You know what? It doesn’t matter.

If you really believe that your lover is going to dump you as soon as they find someone better in the sack than you are, well, perhaps you shouldn’t try non-monogamy—but then again, perhaps you’ll want to rethink your romantic relationship while you’re at it.

It doesn’t matter for the same reason that it doesn’t matter if your lover finds a person who is a better cook than you are.

If your lover goes out to a restaurant, do you think, “My God, what if the restaurant food is better than mine?” Do you agonize over whether your cooking may seem substandard by comparison? Not if you’re psychologically healthy, you don’t.

With sex, it’s the same deal.

Sex is a learned skill. Who knows…perhaps if your lover discovers something that you didn’t think of, then they might bring that new discovery into your relationship, and hey! You’re better in bed for it!

But it’s not a contest. It’s not like you have to spend your life trying to rank your skills in the bedroom against everyone else’s. That way madness lies. It isn’t really about sex at all—it’s about opening yourself to the possibility of more than one romantic relationship.

And maybe it’s YOUR new lover who will teach you a thing or two!

So, why? What do you get out of this? Besides shagging a bunch of people, I mean.

For starters, being polyamorous doesn’t mean you’re shagging a bunch of people. It may mean that you only have one other partner.

But that’s beside the point.

The answer to this question actually addresses who we are as human beings. Why do people get involved in interpersonal relationships at all? Why become romantically attached to anyone? The answer, of course, will vary from person to person, but at the end of the day we’re all social animals. People are happier when they’re romantically involved with someone than when they’re not. Intimacy adds to the quality of your life.

Fine. But why isn’t one person enough?

What would you say if you had a child, and you decided you wanted a second child, and your first child said, “But why am I not enough?”

The question itself doesn’t really make sense, once you understand that it isn’t about what’s “enough.”

Let’s start with the fact that the majority of people are not intimate with one person. They’re intimate with one person at a time…at least in theory. And with statistics from the General Social Survey suggesting that as many as 34 percent of men between the ages of 50 to 64 will admit to having cheated at least once, evidence suggests that even the theory isn’t too widely practiced.

But that’s different. That’s cheating.

Precisely. If you want more than one lover—which most people do, in spite of the romantic myth you’ve probably been brought up to believe—then integrity and decency demands that you be honest and up-front about it.

I’ve been approached and propositioned by women who have asked me, point-blank, “So, would you ever cheat?” When I say, “I am open to having other lovers, but I would never cheat—we can become lovers as long as my partner approves,” they usually freak out. “Oh, that’s just too weird!”

So apparently there are a lot of people who are perfectly fine with lying and deception, who won’t hesitate to betray their spouse and think nothing of it—but who can’t accept the idea of integrity and honesty.

Those people aren’t my lovers. Anyone who can betray their spouse can betray me as well, and I don’t want people like that in my life.

So you’re saying that everyone is either poly or cheating?

No. Some people seem wired for monogamy. They can stay in a monogamous relationship, and be happy, and never even look at another person. That’s cool. But not everybody is like that; in fact, evidence suggests that most people are not.

Even that isn’t what matters, though. In the end, it’s not about what is “enough.” Some poly people could be monogamous, if they really wanted to; in fact, people who can sustain successful polyamorous relationships tend to be better at obeying the rules of a relationship, and not cheating, than average people. But poly people don’t want monogamous relationships.

What’s wrong with monogamy?

Nothing.

So why don’t you want it?

For those whose relationship inclinations lean toward polyamory, a poly relationship offers more. When you have more than two people involved in your relationship, it offers you resources and perspectives that you don’t have in a monogamous relationship. If one person is feeling down, or has a problem, that person has two, or more, people to turn to for support. With more eyes on a relationship problem or a problem at work or whatever, sometimes the solution is easier to find.

And it’s great for your sex life.

I’m creative in bed. On my better days, I like to think I’m very creative in bed. But the fact is, no human being has seen or done it all; in fact, no human being can even begin to scratch the surface of Cool Things To Do In Bed. We have six billion people on the planet right now, and 30,000 years of recorded human history behind us. Someone, somewhere, has thought of something that you would absolutely love, but you’ll never think of yourself.

I’ve learned a lot of things from each of my lovers, both in and out of the bedroom, that I have been able to take with me into my other relationships. Not even just new techniques, but sometimes new ways of looking at things. These things have enriched all my relationships, and my life.

It may not even be what you’re thinking. Not all poly people are into group sex. There are polyamorous individuals who’ve never had a threesome. Being poly doesn’t necessarily make you kinky. Nor does it mean that you’re into orgies, or that you’re promiscuous, or that you want to boink everyone you meet. For polyfidelitous people, being poly really isn’t that much different from being monogamous. Polyamory also doesn’t make you bisexual; in a polyamorous relationship, all the people involved are not necessarily sleeping with everyone else involved. (The idea of being a guy in the middle of hot girl-on-girl action is a cliche as old as time, but don’t think polyamory is automatically going to get you there.)

Okay, so what’s the downside?

The downside is that you have more than two people involved in your relationship.

That is both a blessing and a source of stress. Romantic relationships come with a certain amount of tension built in; I’ve never known anybody, anywhere, who’s never had even a single argument with their lover.

Add another person to the mix, and your potential for disagreements and arguments and tension goes up. A lot. Add two more people to the mix, it goes up even further. The more people you have involved in a romantic relationship, the greater the potential for problems.

It’s not necessarily all bad. Sometimes, having people who you can turn to when you have problems is a big blessing. On the whole, however, managing more than one romantic relationship is, not to put too fine a point on it, harder than managing only one.

It is incumbent on any people in a polyamorous relationship to take care that they follow the rules, and make sure everyone’s needs are met. Without that, the relationship will fail—just as a monogamous relationship will.

The other downside is that being poly is emotionally riskier. The more people you open your heart to, the more likely it is that you’ll have your heart broken.

The people down the street from me tried an “open relationship,” and it all fell apart. This kind of thing never lasts.

The people down the street from me tried a monogamous relationship, but they just ended up getting a divorce. Does that prove that monogamy never lasts?

Some relationships work out; some don’t. Nature of the beast. Some polyamorous relationships work; some don’t. Some monogamous relationships work; some don’t. Yet because monogamy is the accepted social norm, when a marriage fails, people do not blame the institution of marriage…but when a poly relationship fails, people blame polyamory.

A relationship succeeds or fails because of the people involved.

One could argue that most relationships in general don’t last; how many people actually spend their entire lives with the very first person they were ever romantically involved with? A few, but not many.

There are many reason why a relationship might not last, and most of those reasons have nothing to do with the relationship model. It’s tempting to look at a non-traditional relationship and assume that every problem the people in that relationship have is due to the form of the relationship, but it doesn’t actually work that way.

And not all relationships that don’t last are “failures.” It’s common to believe they are, but it isn’t necessarily so; any relationship that teaches you more about yourself or those around you is in some measure a success.

What about disease? If you have several lovers, don’t you worry about STDs?

One of the great advantages of practicing open, honest non-monogamy with partners you are not lying to is that it makes communication about STD boundaries and STD status so much easier.

The folks I know in the poly community tend to be very conscientious about issues like STD risk—more so, in fact, than most of the monogamous folks I know. Many monogamous people do not talk to their lovers about their sexual history, often for fear of causing jealousy; and likewise, many monogamous people don’t insist on things like STD testing before they have sexual contact.

Now, I’m certainly not saying this is true of all people in traditional monogamous relationships. Don’t get me wrong, there are many folks engaged in monogamous relationships who are very careful and conscientious about sexual health! Nor am I saying that all poly folks are automatically safe.

But in my experience, this is not the norm. I do not often see the same level of awareness and care about sexual health among those in traditional relationships as I do among people in polyamorous relationships. This is particularly true among folks who practice serial monogamy, and even more true still among folks who are nominally “monogamous” but who cheat. A person who is having an affair may expose his or her partner non-consensually to STD risks that the partner isn’t even aware of, and that kind of behavior is almost universally condemned in the poly community.

Wait! Mixing Latin and Greek roots? Isn’t that a linguistic atrocity?

Not at all! Telephone, homosexual, automobile, heterosexual, television…tons of words mix Latin and Greek roots. And nominally “pure” Latin roots are often mixed themselves; the Romans gleefully borrowed from other languages with abandon.

Let’s assume I buy all this. How do I make it work?

It’s easier to answer the question “How can you make polyamory NOT work?” Which is, in fact, a question I’ve addressedhere. And in a handy how-to guide in PDF formathere, revised and updated in October 2014!

As with any relationship, making it succeed is more complicated than making it fail. One of the surest ways to make it fail is to lie. If you can’t be honest with your partner, and I mean about everything, then polyamory isn’t for you. If you can’t abide by the rules of a monogamous relationship, then poly isn’t for you. If you cheat, then poly isn’t for you.

Another good way not to make a poly relationship work is to browbeat your partner, or coerce your partner into accepting it. Poly relationships don’t work if one of the people involved only grudgingly accepts it; it has to be for the benefit of everyone.

I’m with you so far. No lying, no bullying; check. Now what?

Depends on you, and on the person you’re involved with. When in doubt, if you’re considering trying a polyamorous relationship, it’s best to go slowly. Make sure you and your partner feel secure in what you’re doing. Make sure you don’t get so carried away that you forget about your partner’s needs. This is a very easy mistake to make, even if you’re watching out for it!

Also, if you are already in a relationship, it is vitally important to make sure that relationship is solid and stable before you go experimenting with non-monogamy. A relationship that is not healthy to begin with will further erode if you try to change the foundation on which it is built.

So: No lying, no bullying. Remember to consider the feelings of your partners—ALL of them. Don’t forget that everyone has to be happy, or you can bet that nobody will be! Pay attention to your lovers. Don’t get distracted.

Get over the idea that polyamory gives you license to be promiscuous. It doesn’t. Being poly does not mean you sleep with anyone you want. It doesn’t mean that your life is an endless vista of wild orgies. Put aside those ideas before you even start; that is not what it’s about.

A poly relationship works only if everyone involved is happy. While you can’t expect someone to be everything for you, all the time (even in a monogamous relationship), there is absolutely no dishonor in telling your lover point-blank, “Look, I don’t think you’re spending enough time with me. You need to pay more attention to me.”

And, of course, some common-sense rules are always good. If you have more than one lover, then for God’s sake, play safe. You already know the whole safe-sex spiel. Well, do it.

But how do I know if I’m even poly at all? How can I tell if this will work for me?

That’s something you have to find out yourself.

If you can imagine sharing your lover, and be happy with that, then that at least suggests that you can be happy in a poly relationship. No guarantee, of course, but at least it’s possible.

Generally speaking, polyamory is not something I recommend people just dive into. You need to be secure in your relationship before you think about opening it up to other people!

I’ve always been poly, my whole life; I even took two dates to my senior prom back in high school. I have had an 18-year relationship with a partner who had a very conservative Catholic background. The subject of polyamory didn’t even come up for the first two years of our relationship, because I thought it was more important to establish a good foundation with her first. Even when it did come up, it was over a year before anything happened—and it was her, not me, who took an outside lover first. This was important, because it let her see firsthand that she could have another lover and it would not hurt our relationship.

One thing that does help enormously, if you are in a relationship and you’re considering polyamory, is to get your ducks in a row before you start. Don’t go into polyamory thinking that it can fix whatever is wrong with your existing relationship; the “relationship broken, add more people” approach doesn’t work very well, but it does put someone else in the middle of whatever problems you may have, and that’s not cool. Building healthy polyamorous relationships starts with making sure your existing relationship is healthy.

How do you get started in a polyamorous relationship?

If you’re approaching polyamory for the first time, remember that you have to be willing to work at it. You must listen to your partner, without pressuring that person. You must be willing to concentrate on what’s important, and on making sure your foundation with that person is stable and secure.

Of course, some people find themselves in a poly relationship without really considering it first. It’s easy if that happens to feel overwhelmed, insecure, jealous, angry… Take a step back. Look at the situation rationally, with a cool head. What’s happening? Is your partner rejecting you? Is your partner losing interest in you? If the answer is “no,” then you should think very carefully before you allow yourself to become angry or jealous. What’s really going on? How much of an investment in your relationship are you prepared to make? What assumptions are you making about the way your relationship “should” be, and are those assumptions valid?

Yeah, I know, it’s tough.

Assuming you are willing to give it a go, though, here are some things I’d recommend:

Make sure, and I mean sure, everyone on the same page. What are you all looking for? Under what circumstances is it OK for you or your partners to take another lover? Do you have a say in your partner’s partners? If so, what kind of say?

Be compassionate—both to your partners AND to your partner’s partners. This is especially important if you’re already in a relationship. Often, a couple looking to explore polyamory will be so concerned about preserving that core couple that they will forget the other people involved are human beings, too. An ethical framework should treat everyone involved with respect and compassion.

If you can, I highly recommend finding a local poly group. When I first started non-monogamous relationships, nearly 25 years ago, I didn’t have the benefit of such a group, and I rather wish I had. It’s really, really helpful to have access to the collective wisdom and experience of people who have made all the mistakes already.

Don’t rush. Take your time. There’s no reason to rush in to the first poly relationship that comes your way.

Develop good communication and conflict-resolution skills. As sure as night follows day, there will be a time when you need them. (Of course, this is true of a traditional, monogamous relationship as well…)

So where would I even find poly people, anyway?

Where do you find anyone? The world is full of people. It’s hard to walk out your door without running into them.

That isn’t intended to be flippant. My point is, you can’t just go to a certain place and expect to meet people who are poly, or look for a certain sign to tell you when people are poly. It’s like anything else. Where do you meet people in general? I’ve met poly people at conventions, at work, at clubs—you know, the same places you meet anyone else.

And just because someone doesn’t advertise that he or she is poly doesn’t necessarily mean that person is closed to the idea. Many people are open to new ways of looking at relationships; it’s quite often that people will surprise you.

One helpful technique when you’re looking for a partner is not to try to make a grocery list—“I want a red-haired, bisexual woman who listens to Elvis and reads Kurt Vonnegut”—and leave yourself open to the possibilities around you.

So the rest is kind of up to you. I can’t give you a magical Guide to Making It Work, and I can’t tell you where to go to find people who are polyamorous. But I can tell you that, difficulties aside, it can be an incredibly rewarding and fulfilling way to extend and expand your romantic life.

Last updated: August 25, 2015

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

@fraufuhrer @sissyhiyah