#a part of my sould will forever be with you

[vicsy]

like a heart made of dynamite

Pierre/Charles | explicit | 31k. playlist here

a very special gift to @espithewarlock <3 hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I did writing it.

Maybe all these years they were coming towards each other like a car crash in slow motion. Charles just had to wait for the brakes to fail.

[twistedteddy]

Rengoku x f!Reader

✧*̥˚ Please Reblog *̥˚✧

Warnings: body worship, p-ssy eating, soft Dom, praise, sweet sex, bath sex, f! Dom, Pet names

As always not proofread

Kyujuro has always been a devout demon slayer. Even so if you'd ever been to his home you'd know he was an even more devout husband. During his days off he'd massage your legs and feet every tie your returned home from helping the other women tend the fields. Bathing you with water he'd warmed over your fire place and change your clothes for you. Praising each scar ans callous he found on you the same way you'd do for him whenever he came back from a mission. He firmly believes scars tell stories. Lives. Each scar is a memory to be held to your body forever. Something to be proud of. When the two of you married you used a beautiful gold endowed knife to carve a scar onto the top part of his hand and he did the same to you. It was a sweet gesture but as far as you were concerned if he was leaving the village he was leaving wearing a ring too. No way your puppy dog of a husband is going out there with the chance of other women thinking he was single.

Exaughsted you walked through the door od your home after slipping your sandals off. Covered in dirt and mud from the rice fields.

"My love! I have returned home. I am so glad to see you" Your husband rushed at you all at once and knocked you to the floor- you hadn't even noticed his shoes by the door you were so tired. His golden eyes looking into yours with a huge smile as he places small pecks all over your face. Giggling you pushed his chest "kyo~ I'm tired honey help me up." And help you he did. Loudly exclaiming how much he had missed you and how being so far hurt his very sould and you couldn't help but smile. Even as tired as you were him being there lifted your mood.

After about ten minutes he had you in a bath. Using a rag to wash the mud from you and brushing your hair. "Hm come join me" you muttered looking up at him as he was carefully rinsing your hair. "My love you're tired and if I am being honest seeing you so bare after being gone nearly a month is..already making it a bit difficult for me to control myself." Ah the pretty boy. He'd always been a gentlemen before a lover. "Please love?" You said holding his hand to your face and he quickly began stripping down. How could he say no to those eyes?

You moved forward to allow him to get behind you before pulling your back into his chest. Just wrapping his arms around you wanting to hold you close. "I feel as If I miss you more each mission I am made to leave." You smiled softly and leaned your head back onto his chest so you could look at him. Then changing your mind and fully turning your body to look at him, taking his hands in your own and placing them onto your waist. "It's a symptom of your love for me and mine for you. I mean how would it look if you didn't miss your wife? Hm?" He laughed that booming laugh before kissing you passionately.

Pulling your warm smooth body to his and running his fingers up and down your back. You placed your hands onto his chest and groped at his pecs. He moaned as you gently licked his nipple and pinched the other. His hands gripped your hips and pulled you in so that your bare cunt was pressed against his hard cock and you gasped against his puffy chest. "My love please I- I need you" He nearly whimpered his booming voice now a cracking pitiful mess after so little contact. "Aw you need me baby?" You whispered dragging a hand up to gently wrap around his neck as you lifted yourself up a bit to let him properly prod your pussy. His entire body tensed and he stared down at you gasping as you finally let him into you. Both of you moaning at the familiar squeeze.

Gently moving your hips in a slow grind you moaned into his neck and wrapped your arms around it. He moaned rather loudly at the sensation of your soft body against his, your hair stuck to certain spaces amongst his chest and wager and sweat covered you both. He leaned down and kissed you passionately lips eating yours, teeth clacking, and tongues twisting as your pace quickened and you started lifting yoir self two, three, four inches at a time. The water sloshing and moving while he groaned and begged you for more. His own hands finally lifting and hips pistoning up into yours.

Your body's aches were ignored at the feeling of tightening in your stomach, your hand reached down and rubbed your clit in time with his thrusts and all at once you came with a damn near scream. Kyo bit down into your neck and held your hips firmly pressed into his as he filled your womb a moment or two after. Kissing and licking at you while he seemed to cum for forever.

"Mm good boy" you whispered hand weaving into his hair and gently kissing the curve of his ear.

[theriverpointace]

If you want more jonmina songs!

"Francesca" by Hozier I'll tell them put me back in it/Darling, I would do it again/If I could hold you for a minute/Darling, I'd go through it again

"Lovesong" by The Cure Whenever I’m alone with you/You make me feel like I am free again/You make me feel like I am clean again

"Heaven, Iowa" by FOB Kiss my cheek, baby, please/Would you read my eulogy?/Tell me, when the party ends/Will you still love who I am/Scar-crossed lovers forever/I'm checking myself out forever/I'm saving this all for later/Scar-crossed lovers forever/Here we are untouched forever/I closed my eyes inside of your darkness/And found your glow

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white;/Just our hands clasped so tight,/Waiting for the hint of a spark./If heaven and hell decide,/That they both are satisfied,/Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs:/If there's no one beside you,/When your soul embarks;/Then I'll follow you into the dark.

hello!! sorry for the wait!! have this arthur/lucy doodle that i colored while listening to the music

okay okay the songs

francesca: the first lines of the song got me man. jonathan telling mina that he won't ever give up on her. him asking her if she really thinks he would. (and like. she knows the answer. it doesn't even have to be said, i think.) "it was too soon/when that part of you was ripped away/a grip taking hold/like a cancer that grows/each piece of your body that it takes." mmmmm PERFECT i'm loving it honestly.

lovesong: mm nice vibes. v chill. all four of these r p chill honestly, i like ur taste. anyhow. i liked the "i will always love you" part of this song best, particularly with the "however far away" and "however far i stay" bits!! they r In Love.

heaven, iowa: (ah music man flashbacks. nothing halfway about the iowa way to treat you when we treat you which we may not do at all!) SCAR CROSSED LOVERS???? yes PLEASE lol. yes i love the whole song.

i will follow you into the dark: i am familiar with this from my les mis days. not much of an exr shipper but i do appreciate george blagden's dedication. anyways. "if heaven an hell decide/that they both are satisfied/illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs/if there's no one beside you when your sould embarks/i will follow you into the dark." is that not almost verbatim what jonathan told mina. is it not! i very much enjoy this song.

and some bonus songs courtesy of @everythinandanything!!!

when they call my name (black veil brides): that! first! verse! mmmm yes. and then, the chorus? i heard it as jonathan being uncertain, and mina comforting him, but gosh it could really very much go both ways......yes very good song.

follow you (bring me the horizon): i think. any song about total devotion. even to hell. is jonmina coded. like that "holiest love" thing is hard to get away from lol. anyway "cross my heart and hope to die/promise you i'll never leave your side" had me hooked.

[abcd-em]

tst: tell me about a recent writing choice you made (can be a piece of prose or dialogue, plot thing, character choice, an entire fic, whathaveyou) that you're particularly proud of!

I'm glad you brought this up because I've been dying to talk about it for hot second!!

I'm so so so proud of my choice to make Peter an electrician/part of a construction firm in Forever was a sentence. For one: make that man do manual labour, it'll be good for his sould (and it is!), for two: a surprise tool that'll come in handy later

And also, it's a job he gets bc of Ben. Jorge was Ben's friend, and when May prompts him into considering the role while he's still grieving Gwen, it's this nice reminder that people are gone but also stay with us in a lot of ways.

It's a job that puts him at the heart of the city , and in the neighbourhood so to speak, even when he's not Spider-Man.

I was really struggling what to have Peter doing when planning this fic, and then this came to me in a dream and it just worked so perfectly.

Also this, I fear this is the funniest I'll ever be so I'm extremely proud of this too:

[mommyofkittens]

A Court of Fallen Heroes: Chapter 6 - Decisions. Part I.

          An arabic quote I read months ago that stick with me so far said: " Some say its painful to forget someone, other say it's painful to wait for someone. But I say, the worst pain comes when you don't know wheather to wait or forget. "

          It made my body tremble with an unsettling feeling of chaos. My life was an untamed, catastrophic tornado since my parents threw me out of their house and suddenly, the situation went from bad to deadly when I got thrown here. It felt like I had a personal vendetta with life and the universal powers that controled us.

          I've been here, with Niven's family, for almost two weeks now, working and trying to be useful. Half of what i promised myself to wait before I find the courage to kill myself. Not much changed, I just grew used to the wound I had in my sould. I had no new horizon, no signs from the deity that brought me here, no shooting star to make a wish upon. Nothing. Only my pathetic body to count on.

          My old lifestyle was just a reminder of what I never cherished when I had the time.

          So I took what I had at this moment, considered the time I had left as well, and made the best of it so far.

          Every morning I woke up around 5 a.m., disturbed by my dreams. The potion Nimue gave me helped me grab with force some shattered pieces of my previous mind. I can remember faces better, my old university and one single name: Nadia. The girl I talked lastly on the phone before I got pushed here.

          Altough the medicine had some good parts, it had repercusions as well. While I gained more knowledge about my past, I forgot other dear to my heart details: my father's eyes, my mother's voice, the smell of my cat's hair.

          There were moments of clearence, when I watched the crystal empire of the skies and a fugitive image of my dad's irises runned through my head. Other times, I listened to Cynthia's soft voice while she hummed a sad rythm, and tears stung my eyes as I recalled my mom. When Misty was around and climbed on my dress to find her spot next to my chest, underneath my clothes so she could get warm, I used to sniff her furr and close my eyes so I can picture Icarus's joyful personality. I grabbed with my nails whatever small detail mended my bloodied heart. 

          But those where passing moments, fast as time itself and they were rare and prone to be forgotten easily.

          Sometimes I even had this feeling that maybe I can't go back because my life there was finished. I had no purpose anymore, nothing to give and nothing to receive. Other times, I hopped I was more useful here, working for money, feeding the animals, helping the people from Thaibar as best as I could.

          But feeding the pigs and cleaning Nimue's desk wasn't something I felt blessed about, either. I wanted more. It was hard to believe that everything was a damn coincidence. I fell into a book, for god's sake, one full of magic, of adventure, of wars and a little romance. I had to do something for this universe.

          I bought some other clothes as well, at Nimue's request to stop looking like a homeless cowgirl, and learned to style my hair in braided buns, so I could hide its colour better from curious eyes. Everyone warned me about my looks several times, and I grew a little conscious about my complexion. Not to mention the three rosy digits, forever imprinted on my cheek. A parting gift from the sly deity that sent me here. Even with several hours of working under the sun, my pale skin refused to get darker and I received only red spots of sunburn. Nimue offered me a potion to darken my wine tinted hair, so I could go unnoticed by the palace servants and mythical creatures who roamed the forests.

          To no avail. The red dye was hardly getting replaced by the jet black one. The change would last until the next time I washed, when my hair would reject the color, bringing back its shiny burgundy. It was like he had a mind of himself. Not to mention the fact that it seemed to grow with the same color, not my natural chocolate brown. So we all grew use to it and I learned to put a handkerchief around it.

          I started to help Cynthia around the farm every morning. Sometimes I cleaned the kitchen, other times we washed clothes by the river and chatted, like mother and daughter. I started to deeply care for her. I felt like she filled a part of my mother's empty space with her peacefull presence. She wasn't her, but it helped me ease my pain, little by little. She taught me some of their traditional dishes: fried venison, lamb soup, pork sauce with mushrooms, bread.

          I even got the courage once and described her the person I was in love with. Of course, masculinizing her, and she laughed at me and advised me on how I shouldn't jump at every flower he brings me. That I should have my nose high and let myself be chased, to test his patience.

          " A man who desires you should leave everything behind and follow you like the light of his eyes. He should kneel only to you, pray to you like you were his saint, his goddess. Never settle for less, or you will have a miserable life ahead. "

          I would listen carefully to her words. I was still a newborn in this world, basically, and I craved every piece of instruction so I can learn to manage. I wasn't going to tell her that I knew everything she told me. I learned enough from my mother's miserable marriage.

          We got along good, but from time to time, a dark cloud covered her eyes and she would watch me and ugly cry, without saying another word. Her face would distort in a silent plea and she would shiver violently, like the cold claws of death sank under her skin, dragging her to the Underworld.

          We were alone when that happened, and I didn't know how to react so I hugged her through her episode and whispered that I will be by her side, no matter what. Cynthia would sob heavily, making my body tremble as well, and she would clutch my arms like she was about to drown in her sorrow. It worked, rarely, but when her mind was too absorbed by her thoughts she whimpered like a baby:

          " I won't be here anymore... You'll have to carry yourself without me. I am so sorry... I beg you... Please give me your forgiveness... "

          " I trust him... That man tied to you by the tongue of Death... Trust him... I promise you... Don't run from him anymore... He is your fire, that man surrounded by darkness... "

          Then her vision would clear and ask me what happened, with no memory of what she said. I never told her either. She seemed quite unstable and I was afraid I'll make her sadder than she already was. So, I always resumed in only cleaning her face from tears with my blouse, smiling as sweetly as I could. I lied to her multiple times, but she disturbed me with her words and I always tried to forget so I could move on with my task: searching for a way home.

          Only I knew what lied in my heart every time I heard that. It made me wonder if my crashing here was actually meant to be. If I had a role. Nobody told me anything, but I never had the courage to ask, either.

          The worst part was that I started to love them, slowly, surely. They all were dear to me and I tried my best to thank their kindness by sharing my hardly earned golden coins, buying dresses and shoes, flowers for Cynthia and even cheap jewelery, like an iron sun I gifted Niven a few days ago.

          Even Shum and I got along. Some days better than others. We wouldn't talk much, but every small conversation was polite and innofensive. He let me take care of the mare, and it was more than enough to burry the hatcher of war. But even with his nice behaviour, I felt him off.

          I was always super sensitive to people's energy, I could feel their emotions, I could read them fast. Back home I used this gift to learn and read tarot cards for me and for my closest people. I felt like my intuition was helping me guide the reading session. It seemed to work.

          Instead, here, my higher self was always alert every time Shum made a move. He seemed to focus all of his attention on me, as if he tried to combust me with his gaze. I often felt his presence close behind me when I went to work. I didn't know what he planned, but I knew it wasn't pretty.

          The horse felt better and better. She could stand on her own and ate more than any other from the stall. Her black hair was always shinny and her growing muscles were visible under her dark skin. I treated her eczema and her external and internal parasites with several creams and herbal remedies. I washed her properly from time to time to keep any mosquitos away from her other healing wounds on her hooves.

          The stallion became sweeter, playful even and when Shum gave me his permission, I went with her on walks around the fields, holding tightly her ropes. She loved to be kissed by the sun, she loved to feel the grass and smell the sprouting linden trees. As time passed, I started to love her like she was my adoptive child. I could always hear her gretting when she saw me opening the door every morning, with a bucket of food for her. The mare would let her massive head down, waiting for me to kiss her nose and brush her long hair. Misty would follow us like a faithful guardian, jumping on the horse's back when mud stained her silver furr on our walks or watching me as I cleaned the mare.

          I usually kept long conversations with them, and when we were alone, several miles away from the farm, I told them all the stories I remembered from my past life. Sometimes I would cry, as I felt the stallion's merciful brown eyes on me, like she could understand me and pitied me for my suffering. The cat would climb onto my lap and catch my tears from my face, silently acknowledging my fears.

          Niven became my sister quite fast. She would gossip about everyone in town, about whatever her family did that annoyed her, about her past boyfriends and how they had no idea to please her. I would cringe and laugh, telling her about the memories I had, adapting them to this world. She was gracious, pure-hearted and such a good soul. Sometimes, her desire to help every lost spirit made me worry for her safety. I became attached to her more than anyone else, loving her like she was my family. I was around her equally as much as I was in Nimue's shop, preparing medicine.

          Once, when I hugged her, I remembered she resembled one of my dearest cousins from my old world. I knew her name on an instant, Claudia. They had the same dark looks and pale skin. I clutched her to my heart even tighter, fealing a piece of relief in my chest.

          I wondered why I still didn't have the courage to ask her about a library, to tell her my story, how I got here. I wanted to know more about the world beyond the ocean, about Prythian, about the seasonal courts and their High Lords. Maybe that way I could figure out the time inside the plot I fell into. But it was never the right moment and I was always so afraid of being rejected.

          Aoife was like the younger sister of Niven and I. We would always meet in Thaibar when I got myself a pause from Nimue and visited her store. We would talk about her family, about how her mother's situation was getting worse. I asked her to bring me to her once, so I can consult her, see if I can give her any medicine without making Aoife pay for anything.

          I knew she lived in a less than modest inn and that she was the only provider. Their living space was tidy and smelled like fresh dandelions, but it could trigger claustrophobia for the ones faint of heart. Even so, there was enough space for a chamber with two beds, the main room was also the kitchen and the place where they would bath. I laid my bag on the rusty table next to the simple clay vase filled with fresh flowers. There were three chairs, covered with a brown sheet so it could cover the cracks. Her windows where half painted with something that looked like glue, a pair of worn out red curtains covering them.

          Her mother's illness, Lydia, was quite advanced. She would be delusional most of the time, talking nonsens and walking naked around the house. When she first saw me, she bowed deeply, her forehead touching the ground and chanted a prayer like an obedient nun.

          It took me by surprise, even if Aoife warned me about what I was about to encounter. I blinked a couple of time, shaking the surprised figure off of my face and I smiled swiftly.

          " Like mother, like daughter. " I complimented, searching her blonde locks and deep blue eyes.

          The girl was a devoted image of her mother. Both small, with a slender figure and elegant features.

          Aoife approved with a tiny gesture, her heart-shaped face holding a sad mine as she watched her mother's sanity drifting between her fingers. After I asked a couple of questions and examined the woman myself, I had a strong feeling she dealt with what I used to call in my old world: schizophrenia.

          I would have said that maybe dementia or alzheimer could be involved as well, but it was not only a short term memory loss. Her odd way of acting, how she saw things, how she spoke to someone who was not in the room, all of these were more common for this type of mentall illness rather than anything else.

          Her mother was not with us anymore. She was lost in her own world and only a miracole could help her.

          " I'm afraid her mentallity is trapped inside it's own. " I explain, taking an elegant shaped bottle from my brown bag, " Pulling her outside of the dimension she made to protect herself might be dangerous for more than one reason. "

          " Can you be more specific? " Aoife pleased, placing her small and slim fingers on the table. " I know she's crazy, if your words are just a sophisticated way of saying it. I need to know if there's something I can do to either ease her pain or heal her. "

          She had been working at her flower shop and cleaned in a hurry when I came. Her wrists and nails were stained with mud and bits of grass and she radiated earthly tones of perfume, mixed with chrysanthemum.

          " I'm afraid she has no sense of pain anymore. " Speaking, I sting her mother's bare foot in several places, watching as her lost expresion never falters. " Her illness might be a protective mechanism against a traumatic event. Did she experince something like that? Do you remember? "

          The woman smiled at us, wide, crystal blue eyes piercing us both, like she saw something floating around. " There is so much gold! I want that in my pockets! Oh and those tongues of Death!... " Lydia rocked her thin body from side to side, laughing like a naughty teenager. Her clothes were disheveled and a few sizes too big for her sudden lost of weight.

          " I have no idea... " Aoife frowned, examining her mother causciously. " She was like this before my father left us. The only people that know are probably Niven's father or Nimue, as she was the one to tend to her. "

          Ah, great, so no one I could ask.

          " Alright, I'll see what I can find out and depending on that... Maybe we can find a way to help her. "

          The blonde laughed soflty, brushing a tear that escaped from her peacefull eyes and embraced me. " That will be wonderfull. Even if you don't find a solution, only the fact that you were willing to help means so much to me. "

          I smiled, holding her shoulders in my hands. A sudden thought passed my mind: I used to hold my lover like this before.

          I broke the hug, like her skin burned my hands and rushed to give her the bottle. " When she starts having her episodes, pour a few drops in a glass, enough to fill the bottom, then water. It will calm her and she'll sleep soundly. "

          " Thank you, again! "

          Something caught our attention outside and we stilled in the position. The noise made by a large crowd seemed to grow bigger and louder as they aproached the door to Aoife's place. It seemed like a revolution started on the streets and they wanted to burn all the houses.

          A few expresions passed our faces as we tried to decide what to do.

          In my humble opinion, I had no idea what a noisy crowd could mean here. In my dimension, this was either a protest or a wedding. Here, maybe someone sold his daughter and was throwing golden coins or someone was getting hanged publicly. Two different ideas I gathered from two different shows: Game of Thrones and Outlander. And francly, both of them had too much sexual assault for me to stomach.

          With a growing fear inside my bones, I tried to decide if I should be the one to check or let Aoife be the bait. I studied her for a few seconds, taking in her tiny silhouette and angelic features, just two of the reasons someone would jump her with no remorse.

          It wouldn't be fair to her. It was her world and I had a dying wish. And between the two of us, I was the one with a scar on my face. I was the one to check.

          I put my index on my lips, gesturing to remain silent and I moved closer to the window curtains.

          Lydia started to clap and laugh. " Mother, please. " Aoife asked, grabbing her from the bed and trying to hide her in another room.

          Peeking slowly over the glue paint, I only saw the streets swallowed by men and women, pleading and cheering. Colors of brown and black blocked my view, like a plague covering Thaibar. It seemed like a funeral. The image of that old man being beaten to death by the guards appeared before my eyes, the hollow and sick looks the people gave him as he drew his last breath before me.

          " I don't think it's safe. " I announce and must the courage to open the creaking door just  enough to throw an eye outside.

          Aoife comes to my side and studies the events from the town.

          " A royal parade? " She questiones, both in awe and horror, pushing past me.

          A royal what?

          Several dark knights walked proudly through the corridor made of people, sharp swords on their backs and the royal emblema shinning on their iron shoulders. They looked terrifying in their black costumes, with their face covered, spreading a smell of death and blood in the air. Some of them had arrows as weapons and I couldn't help but wonder if it was the famous ash wood that poisoned their edge. Their horses seemed as dangerous as they were, with red pupils and dressed in heavy armours. They seemed wild and aggressive, their galop loud and synchronised.

          " I don't think it's wise to get out. " I whisper, trying to grip her arm and pull her back inside

          The same hole digged between my lungs as my fingers roamed in the air, unable to find her in time.

          " Who's that? " Aoife asked again, standing on her toes to see over the peasant's head. " I have never seen him inside the palace. "

          As I stepped next to her, I locked our hands together. Alarmed, I studied the people passing, overwhelmed by the loud shouts and the amount of information coming my way. My intuition told me to run far away from that demonstration of power, but the blondie's feet were deeply rooted inside the earth.

          The first one I saw was the new king. Or at least, the one I suspected to be, thanks to the massive, golden crown engulfing his chestnut locks. His sharp face held a machiavelic expression, filled with victory and superiority. The man's trimmed beard and moustache was perfectly alligned with his high cheeckbones and black eyebrows. I felt like his beauty was speckled by harshly cut features: small eyes, straight eyebrows, angular mouth and a square chin. 

          He didn't wear any armour, only a fine tailored brown and gold suit that matched his tanned complexion. It looked like a cheap version of the High Fae's.

          " Is that the king? " I whisper in Aoife's ear and she approves, ducking her head so she wouldn't be seen by him. Her eyes remained locked on the stranger that followed close behind the crowned man.

          I raised my head and something inside me stirres. Red alarms rang inside my brain while I try to get a grip of my balls before I faint. It was like a deja-vu, eerie and unbelievable. I knew this man or... I felt like I knew him.

          The first thing I noticed over the sea of humans was red, a natural dark red, slightly auburn when the few sun rays hit his hair. It was kept at the back of his neck, leaving the long strands to carress his round shoulders. His face was long and arrogant, slightly ducked, so he could see every dirty peasant who asked for a few coins. Moving slowly, he dug his left hand inside his horse's bag and threw a fistfull of money in the air. His thin eyebrows frowned at the disgusting image of humans searching the mud.

          He was noble as well and the colours of his tailored jacket were more than enough to guess who he was. This, and the grey morality of the character visible even now, by visiting Hybern. Green and orange, embroided with heavy, shinny buttons. He must be Eris Vanserra, the heir of the Autumn Court.

          I swallowed and checked the dark handkerchief around my head. What should I do? He might be my ticket to Prythian, to my possible salvation. But how the fuck would I get close to him with so many guards and the high chances of getting fried by his powers. I wasn't even sure that going to the other continent would help me much, who would listen to me there? What was I even going to say?

          " Hi, I fell from the sky. Please help me get home. "

          It was a possibility though, even if it meant to start over...

          Of course, if I made it alive there, if I convinced Eris, the shadiest motherfucker from the series, with dark morals and high standards. Why wouldn't he make his way with me, trick me, then leave me like trash, nailed to a random tree? He was a Fae, after all, and I've heard enough not to trust him at all.

          But he did make it clear in the series that he tried to help Morrigan by breaking their engagement.

          I pressed a thumb to my temple, and focused on him. He was not a bad man... fae, whatever. Maybe...

          Pull yourself together, you're acting like a child!

          " Lower your heads!  " Nimue materialised from thin air, dragging me and Aoife away from the show.

          " What's the matter? " I asked, almost breaking my legs on the slippery streets.

          " You adore being the center of attention, little demon? " She snickered, pushing us inside her shop. " The man from the Autumn Court eyed you for minutes on end and you didn't even had the shame to avert yours. "

          " I was... No, I didn't realise... " I started to apologise, rubbind my hands.

          " Maybe he was watching me. " Aoife said, gathering her dress and peeking out the window again.

          " No, that gruesome king was watching you. That's even worse. For fuck's sake, stay away from the window! " Nimue screamed, grabbing the girl from her shoulders and pushing her aside. " You wouldn't want their attention drawn to you, trust me, these are fae creatures. They are aggressive and possessive, and really, really powerfull. What bussines do you have with him? "

          Aoife opened her mouth, but quicly closed it, ashamed.

          " Who are they? " I asked, trying to calm my breath.

          " The king's name is Draegan. He is a bastard who crowned himself and his mother after his father died during the war from Pryhtian. "

          " Who killed the last king? "

          This, this was the piece of information I needed to be sure of the timeline.

          " There are three sisters, the youngest one is the first High Lady in history. She reigns with her husband, Rhysand, over the Night Court. The first and second born sisters beheaded the King of Hybern. " Nimue confirmed my suspicions, giving me a solid point of where I was.

          So I fell in the fourth book, or somewhere right after the third.

          " And the redhead? " Aoife pursed her lips, swirling a blonde strand on her finger.

          " He is the oldest son of Beron, the High Lord of the Autumn Court. He is heir to the throne and is very, very unpredictable. " She wiped the concerned look from her face and shushed us.

          There was no doubt of what I had to do next. Risky or not, I had to talk to Niven.

          When the voices of the crowd slowly died, Nimue pulled two black cloacks from her drawers. " Both of you go back to your houses. Don't come outside untill tomorrow. Draegan is mad enough to put spies to follow Aoife if he caught his attention. "

          We circled the working table, filled as always with books and potions, and went to the back door.

          " This will help you leave unnoticed. Take Aoife to the farm. " Nimue commanded, her lilac dress swriling aroung her feet as she hurried us down the dusty path. " We'll meet after the weekend passes... Hopefully. "

          I stared back at the woman, noticing the concerned air surrounding her. A bad taste filled my mouth as grey clouds covered Thaibar, drowning the houses in a darker haze. A growing fear held my breath hostage between my rib cage as I studied the Countess's beautiful features. Deep down, I felt like it was the last time I would see her sour face.

           " Go! " She hissed again, throwing her hands in our direction.

          I bit back my anxiety and made a few steps behind. Our eyes met and in that weird moment, a cryptic thought passed between her mind to mine.

          The iminent sense of danger. 

          I took Aoife by the shoulders and put her head down, just as a shadow moved above the houses. Nimue's lips moved quickly, whispering, then blew the air upon us. I felt my skin tingly, like a thousand bugs crawled and nipped at it underneath my dress.

          " I feel so damn itchy. " Aoife started, scratching her face and neck, " The Countess has lices?! "

          I shake my head and push a finger between my lips, telling her to be quiet. As I moved my hand in front of my vision, I catch a glimpse of my aged, pale skin, covered with patches of darker spots.

          " She glamoured us... " I murmur towards the blonde, feeling the gravity of the world pulling me inside the magma center.

          " She really is a witch. "

          And the magic does exist.

          The child inside me danced with joy at the simple realization. Peeking again over my hood, I saw my master talking to two tall men. The third one was coming after us.

          " Aoife, someone is coming after us. Follow my lead. " I whisper, falsely tripping over the uneven road. " Oh... Haha, silly me, Gertrude... "

          The girl watched me skeptical and I nugged her with my elbow, " Your knees might be better, sister, but I took my father's vigorous genes. "

          Her laugh scratched my ears, sounding like a veritable crow.

          " Ladies. " A rough voice caught us from behind and we slowly turned, putting a hand over my hunched back.

          " Oh, look Gertrude, maybe you won't die an old lady after all. "

          Understanding shines in Aoife's blue eyes, and the satisfaction of the game crosses her now old face. " Shut up, you old hag, you know I've always liked blondes. "

          I could feel the knight's smoldering gaze even through the iron mask he wore over his face. The man was at least two heads taller than Aoife and I, and his oppressive energy was like a knife in the back of my neck. 

          " Ladies... " His voice was tinged with a hint of cunning and brute force, as if he had also trained his vocal cords to resemble his massive body.

          " Miss! " Aoife corrected him, brushing her now white locks with her bony fingers.

          The man looked back, as if he could barely contain his irritation, then turned to us, " Have you seen two young women walking around the village: a blonde, works at the palace and another wearing a blue headscarf? A few peasants said they came to these fields. "

         I can feel the muscles in her face tighten, squeezing my forearm tighter. Her eyebrow twitches, but she manages to keep her innocent appearance.

          " Sir, I can't see with my right eye and, obviously, the left one is crooked and suffers from glaucoma. I'm practically blind, I haven't seen anyone. " I laugh loudly, then suddenly stop, faking a backpain.

          " I can see... I won't keep you from your work, then. " The knight's dumb joke didn't pas unnoticed. As he left, he did not bid us farewell, nor did he look at us a second time and hurried to the witch's hut.

          From the distance, I catch Nimue's lilac eyes staring at me, and a slight warm breeze ruffles her brunette hair.

          We're fine. I try to tell her through telepathy, as if my magic  would just pop out of nowhere.

          " Actually, sir, I think I saw something. " Aoife finds herself speaking and I can barely keep myself from throwing her off the hill, " The blonde is preparing to bury her mother, it seems she died last night. She was going to the forest to collect flowers, but I have never seen the one with the headscarf, can you describe her better? "

          " Unfortunately, all we know is that she always covers her head and wanders around the village. The king thanks you for the information. "

          We both turn to our way and walk slowly to the forest where the parties were organized. When we are surrounded by pairs of tall trees, I pull down my hood and stop Aoife. I didn't even realized that spell had dissipated, so now I could look at the young version of the girl.

          " What was that? " I question, pulling my hand from her wrist, " What was with all those explanations? What if we got caught? "

          Aoife doesn't answer right away, instead she takes a deep breath and tugs a few strands of blonde hair from her head as she combs it with her fingers. She spins around a patch of grass, aggressively trampling over a handful of healthy marigolds, good enough for making tea.

          " Aoife, please stop... " I speak again, much calmer now, and put my hands on her shoulders, turning her face to mine. " I can help you. "

          The girl's physiognomy had completely changed: from hope to sadness, from ecstasy to agony. Tears stood on her lower eyelids, clinging to her blonde eyelashes.

          " I'm pregnant. " Her testimony hangs between the leaves, long enough for me to process the information.

          " With who? " I manage to keep my face solemn, trying hard not to make her go back into her shell.

          She doesn't answer me, but puts her hot hands over my palms and sobs jerkily. I remember our first conversation, in which she acknowledged that working at the palace was not all about cleaning and servitude. 

          " I asked about you because I wanted to know that being seen with me won't put you in any danger. If you change your handkerchief you will be fine, but I... I must either erase my own existence from the earth or someone else will erase it for me. " She puts her hands on her pelvis and falls slightly to her knees. "I'm so sorry, but I can't hold you, you're made with a monster..."

          I wipe a few drops of newly formed sweat and suddenly feel sick. Her child was made with Draegan, hence those languid looks, her searching, her desire to get into someone else's bed to hide whose child it really was.

         " If you're sure that's what you want, I can help you. " I admit as I sit on the ground next to her small body, then cup her face between my dusty fingers. " As long as the pregnancy is not far enough, I can help you get rid of it. "

          My mouth felt bitter talking about an unborn child like that. I didn't know which one was a more appropriate term for abortion: 'to kill him' or 'to get rid of him'. In either case, it sounded as if we were talking about a parasite, not a being in the process of becoming.

          But all these aspects were held by the age of the pregnancy: if it was less than a month or two, we couldn't talk about a life. It was very much an embryo, no heart, no lungs, no first breath, it would have been like any failed pregnancy. But if the child was much older, four, even five months, we were about to kill our first human.

          " A few weeks, three, maybe even four... "

          " Can I take a look? " I ask her cautiously and examine her abdomen as much as possible through the thin dress she was wearing, then feel her belly carefully.

          Everything was imperceptible. I couldn't tell just from a physical exam how advanced the pregnancy was. For a proper determination I had to separate her legs and look with a candle in her vagina in the middle of the forest. It wasn't medically ethical. But, again, nothing in this word was ethical.

        " I'm going to speak to Nimue as soon as possible to give you an abortion medicine. You must remain under her care for a day or two to make sure that the embryo is safely removed and that we can stop any bleeding that may follow. "

          " I can't pay you. All my money went to my mother's treatment. "

          " You don't have to, I have some money. I know Nimue. I'll solve it for you... "

          I bite the inside of my cheek, thinking about the bag of golden coins I'd painstakingly gathered during the weeks I'd worked for Nimue, waiting for me inside the nightstand that was now intended for the few clothes Nivy's mother made for me.

          I always had a little selfishness in me, I hated sharing my material goods and food with my younger cousins. Being the first niece in the family, I had to offer to others, without my will, much more often than I would have liked to. I was often left without the things that I enjoyed or with too little of them to satisfy me. That's how I ended up underappreciating myself and eating much less at our dinners, so that I could leave more to my parents. I thought about how they always worked to maintain our family and how they needed much more strength than me. The same thing occured with my younger cousins. If there were more of us at the table, I would take the wings, to leave the rest of the chicken to them.

          It was a small sacrifice for the things they gave me over the years.

          My father also taught me to save money and to avoid buying too many clothes, books or other things that in his eyes were useless. He gave me a small business from which I made enough money to be able to support myself and not rely on him anymore. It was not always prosperous, it mostly depended on the season, summer and autumn, when wine was made and people needed to preserve it over a longer period of time.

          Of course, other people appeared to whom I would have given my flesh in exchange, but they could only be counted on one hand: my mother, my girlfriend and my cousins from my mother's side. So no, I couldn't say that I would give my skin for my father, even though I knew deep down that he had done so much for me. The emotions that connected us had either rusted with age or dried up and petrified due to the many painful misunderstandings between us.

          " I'll find a way to pay you back. " Aoife sighed, wiping her eyes with the lining of her cloak, " You may think it's horrible that I have to give up the child, but I have no financial situation, nor a good mental state. I can't raise a poor, innocent soul to be happy. "

          " Don't think of me as an executioner. I am not putting a stigma on you and I don't see you differently. As an apprentice in medicine, I appreciate your rational side and I will try to help you as best as I can." I try to calm her down, while brushing her blonde strands that had stuck to her wet cheeks, " If it makes you feel any better, I would've made the same decision as you. You don't want to see your child barefoot like the ones in Thaibar. Let's just hope that he too will understand this when you both reach the skies. "

          From an early age I was taught, or whatever, I taught myself not to show my feelings: not to cry, because I would be weak and annoying, not to be happy, because in the next two seconds my father was going to crush my happiness, not to ask for bicycles, phones, laptops, because I would be constantly yelled at about the sacrifices he made for those money. All I had to do was wear the sickly smile, stuck with force in the middle of my face and a sterile dessert in my soul.

          However, my heart silently ached whenever I was hurt by those around me. Now, hearing such words even about an embryo that was going to be cut off from any chance of becoming a child, it shattered in my chest, throwing its sharp glass into my stomach.

          I place a hand on my own uterus, thinking about my words. I never wished for children. I wanted to live the life I didn't get until I was 23 years old, happy and without worries. I liked saving animals and taking care of them. I loved giving my hard earned money to adoption centers and volunteering there. I loved nature and theater, old music and opera. I could appreciate absolutely any kind of beautiful art and I could be cerebral at the same time. I always fought for what I loved, a living proof was my relationship from my old world.

          Would I be able to fight for a living for my child? Did I knew enough to teach him as well? Where would I get the money to dress him, to buy him something to eat? Could I offer him a roof to protect him from the cold and the rain?

         No. And I think that's what Aoife was thinking now.

          " Come on, get up, clean your face, we have to get to Niven and stay at the farm. " My words pass by her while I try to lift her from her mohammedan position.

          Sobs came uncontrollably from her already dry lips and her hands were shaking. She raises her eyes, now blue as the depths of the sea, and opens her mouth several times, trying to convey something to me.

          " Shh, shh, we'll be fine. I promise. "

          The girl places a hand on her sternum, burying her black fingernails in the white shirt she was wearing. I wrap my arms around her and rock her back and forth, like my mother used to do to calm me down.

          " After I kill my child, I'm going to sneak onto my uncle's ship and go to the continent. " Aoife explained, her voice barely rising through the broken sobs. I remain frozen, with my ears glued to her head. 

          I don't know what shocked me more: the words she chose, the frankness of it or the fact that she had a chance to leave.

          " Where do you want to go? "

          " Far from Prythian, on the northernmost continent, right near the shore where many immigrant ships anchor. There is a place where only women and a few children are allowed to stay. " She watched me with a spark of hope. " Not many people know about this place. It's a refuge for all species of creatures, protected by several layers of spells. Rosehall. "

          Rosehall. Rose-Hall. Another name I had heard of but being such an insignificant detail, I had forgotten about it.

          " You should run away with me. I can feel you don't belong here. "

          A second passes as I stare at her, with my mouth half opened, waiting for her to admit that she knows who I am and how I got here. I slowly roll my eyes around, waiting to see the farmers coming out with pitchforks and hammers from the trees. Not only was I an outsider, but I also had red hair. A flame for moths. And I also admitted that it was okay to want an abortion. Some people would torture you alive just for the last mentioned aspect.

          " What do you mean? " I ask cautiously, raising myself slightly in a more advantageous position for running away.

          " To be honest, I don't know what I wanted to say either. It's just that... " She looks at me carefully, with warmth, as if she knew me for a lifetime, as if she had seen in my soul something that no one has read before. " Don't mention this to anyone, but either I have a vision problem or I inherited it from my mother... I can see colors around people, my mother used to call it an 'aura' and yours is something I've never seen before : a dazzling gold, as if you were the daughter of the Sun incarnated in a mortal form. You are the first and only one so far. "

           I blinked a few times. A lot of compliments in one sentence. They were compliments, right? Golden aura, daughter of the Sun, the only one with such a color. Should I feel special? Because if the answer is yes, then I was definitely totally in the wrong direction. I wanted to make myself small and unimportant, as I was two seconds ago, before she told me what a strange color I have around me. 

          Thinking about it, Lydia did mention something today: enough gold to put in her pockets, tongues of Death. Was this all connected?

          I believed Aoife. I've always had an unbreakable faith in supernatural things, chakras, wicca stuff, crystals, tarot, aura, palm or coffee readings. How many times have I been with my mother to a weird old woman to make us reads in coffee beans. And above all of this: I fell through layers and layers of worlds, piled on top of each other. I could believe anything at this point.

          I was also very sensitive to the energy of the people around me. I could feel them from a kilometer away with what intentions they came towards me, who is bad or good, who is hidden or just introverted. I didn't take it as some superhuman quality, but only as a repercussion of the traumas at home when I learned to recognize the person by the steps and developed my peripheral view.

          " You'll say I'm crazy. " She stated, aware of every expression written on my face. Of course, my eyebrows had risen to the middle of my forehead, but I couldn't control myself. "My mother could see the Shadow People roaming around Thaibar late at night. You've probably heard that you shouldn't go near the forest unless you're in a very large group. It's good that Nimue and Niven's family warned you to cover your hair: these creatures have a weakness for stunning, red-haired women."

          " No, I'm sorry, I take your word for it. I've also seen enough in my life. Thank you for trusting me. " I smile at her and try to pick her up. " Before we leave, can you tell me if you see anything else? You know, in my aura? "

          Aoife seems caught on the wrong foot, but she quickly balances herself and frowns, as if she is trying to move an object with the power of her mind.

          " No. I've tried before, but I keep bumping into something when I want to dig deeper. It feels like you have a shield around you, sometimes they appear like sharp, shadow tongues. They intertwine in a thin thread  with your aura and they go somewhere, but the trail is cut, like it was severed. "

          I nod, half satisfied, half confused. I take her forearm in mine and gently lead her down the treaded path that led to Niven's family farm. The road through the woods was a very devious way to get to their house. It came through the back of the village and led to a large door, hollowed out in the surrounding walls.

          I glance at Aoife out of the corner of my eye, weighing on my tongue the question I've been dying to ask her ever since I heard that her uncle has a ship. This meant two things: if Aoife managed to filter herself in, either she could help me too or women were allowed on board as well. It was my ticket out of Thaibar.

          Of course, I had to think about several things if I wanted to run away with blondie. Well, if she ever let me come with her. Where I was going to go, money, how to reach the characters I knew from the book and how to persuade them into helping me. And all of this only if someone doesn't suddenly decide to kill me in all the other stages. I could get my hands on a map of Prythian. What I couldn't do was get to Velaris, where many of the Inner Circle spent their lives.

          Let's not talk about the fact that sexual assault here was something that occured often inside every court I had to cross to reach the night one. And not only that: it was the killing factor, as I said, thieves, creatures and faes and I had close to zero military training to deal with them. I didn't know how to handle a knife beyond chopping and cutting herbs and meat, I didn't know how to fight with someone. I only knew how to struggle and hope that I manage to do some damage. They had no guns here, just bows or swords or daggers. And on top of that: I had no powers to use.

          It was phenomenal how I had fallen into this universe, survived the crash and received no special power, no unique ability. Nothing. I was just a simple healer.

          The only thing I could use to my advantage, if I was going to travel, was to search through Nimue's manuals and get myself some poisons, sulfuric acid, something that could have resembled firecrackers or bombs, and all this had to be carried in a purse and in sufficiently resistant containers.

          Dear good. How complicated it was to get back to my own shitty life. If I must say one thing: I don't even know why I'm fighting so much to get back. No one was waiting for me except Icarus, and my life was as precarious as here. At least in this world I had something to eat.

          I raise a hand to massage my temples and sigh.

          I didn't know where to start the plan and where to end. My mind was broken. What I needed now was a second opinion: Niven. I was determined, today I have to talk to her, to convince her that I'm not crazy and that neither is she and that  I'm not from this world.

          " Something is bothering you. " Aoife observed, who now seemed a bit more relaxed, " Is it about our discussion earlier? "

          " Not at all. I promised that I would help you and I will do so. It's just..." I grimace, refusing to look at her, focusing my gaze on Niven's house from a few steps away. " If you were to leave, as you said, can I come with you? "

          Aoife measures me from head to toe. Someone calls us from afar.

          " I thought you were happy here. Why would you want to leave? "

          " You were right when you said I'm not from here. I have to find my way back home. " I confess as I stop on my tracks, my black cloak sweeping the ground around me. " I can't stay here forever, I need help and I think I can find it on the continent. "

          " You mean Prythian or the northern continent, right? " Aoife says cautiously, her blonde hair shining brightly in the light.

          I lightly nod my head and see her understanding passing in her eyes. "Something happened here... "

          " Girls, you're on time. Some of the workers from dad's church brought some bags with books they found there. " Niven speaks excitedly, moving her gaze from me to Aoife, who were staring at each other. " Um, since mom has work and Shum is away, I was thinking you could help me organize them and take them back when I'm ready. Did something happen? "

          " I think Cyan has something very important to tell us. "

          I finally look at the most important person in my life for the last few weeks. My savior, who was either going to think I was crazy or kick me out. Sweat was running down her temples and upper lip and the sleeves of her gray shirt were up to her elbows.

          " Niven, it's time to tell you the truth." 

          " You finally found the courage... I have been waiting for you to talk to me. "

P.S.: The chapter is not fully edited. Tomorrow part 2 is up. ❤️

[trans-xianxian]

crazy to me when people are like "wanting people to reblog your art is a toxic trait" like girl what are you talking about this is a blogging website......

[eternalmx]

you are the reason. (pt 2) | im changkyun

genre : fluff

wc | 3k+

a/n : this was requested a while back when I wrote the first part but I've never got around to it. I originally wasn't going to make a part two but this is one of my favorite pieces I've written and I reread it all the time because it brings me a lot of comfort. I hope it makes you heart full and warm so here's part two! ♡. part one here! As always;; sorry for any typos.

{1:26pm} "Hey, can I come in?" Changkyun said. Knocking lightly on the door as opening it a little.

"What? No no no! It's bad luck!" she yelled. Pushing the door closed. He laughter filled the air from the other side of the door.

"I see you everyday babe. What makes today different?" he asked. He was only joking, she can tell because she knew him like the back of her hand. The smile evident in his voice.

"Today is extra special. You know this" she said, resting her head against the door. "What do you want kyun?"

"I wanted to give you something but it's too late now. I'll get going" Changkyun said, lowering his voice, as she unlocked the door and stuck her hand out.

"Give it" she said, smiling to herself as his hand held her, squeezed it gently before placing a small box in her palm.

"Open it while I'm here please" he asked.

"Okay." She said softly; leaving the door cracked so she can talk to him. He sat outside the door on the other side as she mimicked his actions.

"Well?" Changkyun asked nervously.

"Babe...." she said, as she opened the box. A small heart necklace with their initials and the date engraved onto it.

"I know it's nothing special but can you wear it when you walk out? I would show you but I have a similar one on. I got two one for you and one for me" he said, his voice was warm. It was different. He wasn't the type of guy to get flustered or nervous but today was different.

"Who knew you were a matching necklace type of guy?" she said laughing, as she placed the necklace around her neck.

"There's still a lot of things you haven't discovered about me yet babe" Changkyun said with a cocky tone.

"Oh I bet." she said, admiring the charm on the on her neck. "I can't wait to spend forever learning them" she added soon after. Nerves filling her body as she leaned against the door, head resting against it softly.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

"A little" she answered truthfully.

"Me too" Chankyun said, in a small whisper.

"The Im Changkyun. The man who is ready to curse any guy who looks my direction out is nervous?" she asked, trying to calm their nerves.

"Hey! You're mine to look at not theirs! I have my reasons. Just like when you kicked that one girl out of my studio and then sedu-" he said, arguing back playful before she cut him off.

"I GET IT!" she said, laughing. The sould like music to his ears. The guest outside the venue filling the yard with laughter and music as they filtered in and got seated.

"I should get going angel" Changkyun said. His voice low but the smile still on his face.

"I love when you call me angel, you know" she said, smiling to herself.

"Just wait till you hear my vows" he said, as she heard him get up.

"I love you" she said to him through the door.

"I love you" he responded as he stick his hand through the crack of the door. She reached up and kissed his palm before he pulled away.

"See you out there" Changkyun said, walking away and making obnoxious kiss noises as he walked down the hall.

Changkyun's P.O.V

There she stood in front of me. Her hair in a bun and a small silver crown on her head. The cherry blossoms falling off the tree making the moment that much more breathtaking. She's always been beautiful to me. I didn't think she could get more beautiful but as she stood in front of me I second guessed it.

"You look beautiful" I said to my girl. The nerves making my palms sweaty as she smiled at me and mouthed a 'thank you'.

"Shh" she said, laughing slightly as she winked at me. Her hand softly playing with the charm I had given her earlier signaling she was nervous like me.

"If we may start the ceremony now" the priest said, smiling between the two of us. The yard filled with guests but it felt like it was only her and I in this moment.

"Sir, you may say your vows" he motioned towards me as I pulled a paper out of my pocket. I laughed nervously as I fumbled to open the paper. My hands shaking slightly as I held it open in my hands.

"To my love" I say, clearing my throat so my words are clearer. "My soulmate even. The person I am more than ready to spend the rest of my life with. Today's the beginning of the next chapter. Our chapter. All our chapters have been intertwined leading up to today but now it's finally our chapter. I don't know what these chapters have in store for us but I promise to stay by your side through it all. The ups. The downs. The bad. The good. I will be there. Just like you've been there all these years. You know me better than I know me and I never thought I'd find someone who's knock the air out of me until I met you. I look forward to you asking me what's wrong before I know what's wrong with me." I say, choking on my words and take a deep breath.

"Don't cry. If you cry I'll cry and we both know that won't be good" she whispered to me, causing me to laugh.

"I look forward to our 3am drives. Your midnight concerts in our kitchen. The endless stories about your days. Waking up to you and going to sleep next to you. I look forward to our forever. I love you." I finished off. Closing the paper and rubbing my sweaty palms on my suit.

Her P.O.V:

"Ma'am, your vows please" the priest says to me.

"Well... I don't have a piece of paper or a tear jerker of a speech planned. You know me better than I know myself and took the words right out of my mouth" I say and the guests laugh at my nervousness.

"Im Changkyun. The guy I would give the world too if I could. You have the purest heart of any person I've ever come across in all my years of life. You love me at my lowest and praise me at my highest. I whom belongs only to you, look forward to our next chapter. I look forward to kissing you goodmorning and cuddling you goodnight. For the many shared moments ahead of us. I can't wait to share every midnight with you from today forward. Thank you for loving me unconditionally up until know and for wanting to love me for even longer. To my best friend, my soulmate, the guy who taught me how to love and what it's like to be loved. I love you, let's plan forever together." I say, tears falling down my cheek.

Changkyun hands reached over wiping the tears off my cheeks as he smiles at me. His eyes watery as I take a deep breath and we hold hands.

"I love you" he mouthed at me as I returned the saying.

"Do you take the beautiful lady before you to be your wife?" the priest asks to Changkyun.

"I do" he says, placing a beautiful purple diamond on her left hand.

"Ma'am, do you take Im Changkyun, to be your husband?" the priest asks her as she looked up at Changkyun.

"I do" she says, placing the wedding band engraved with the day in purple on his left hand.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride" the priest says, smiling fondly between the two.

The crowd caps and cheers as their lips met. The kiss lasting long as his hand reached the back of her head as he kissed her. Once he pulled away she adjusted his bow tie on his neck as he kissed her nose softly. The air filled with claps and cheers from family and friends as they walk down the isle. Flower petals filling the air as they waved at the guests.

"So our chapter begins" he says to his beautiful bride. Her eyes twinkling as she looked at him and smiled.

"So it begins" she said, as they push the door open to the venue and disappear inside before the reception starts.

[snapdrag0n]

I think I need to talk about Together Again and theories and emotions so here we go

First of all, this episode left me with a very intense feeling I can't quite grasp, but I'll try. One sensation is longing. I'm an athiest, and I don't believe in reincarnation, but for the first time in my life something made me deeply wish I could, because I wish this was what we got in the afterlife. It's perfect.

Second sensation is utter relief. I was sure all 40 minutes that these two would get separated. I thought it was a just ending. I would have let them get away with it. But I was SO glad they didn't. For once I get a happy "ending", the prospect of two people whose souls are so interconnected they won't separate even in different lives. And they deserve it.

So analysis: what really peaked my interest was the structure of this afterlife. I loved it, of course, and it made me think a lot. Adventure Time's universe is one where magic reigns supreme and there is no universal idea of a God(s) as far as I remember. In death, the concept of reincarnation is accepted and known. What I have noticed in the death world was the absence of the concepts of "hell/purgatory/paradise" or anything like that, and the presence instead of the 50 worlds of death.

My theory on this afterlife is that souls aren't judged based on actions in life but rather on their state and peace of mind. The souls in the 50th world weren't necessarly the most good, but they seemed to be the most at peace with their life and death (which I think is really fitting for Jake!). You could also argue that peace of mind and your goodness as a person are two things very much connected.

This explains why he told Finn "you'll be ready for the 50th in no time" and their parents' remarks. Also: their family was in the 37th world which also seemed to be pretty peaceful. In fact, their family seemed very happy to be there. Moreover, the souls in the first death world - the ones swimming in that weird goo - seemed to be agitated.

I also really, really loved the representation of Life. She was beautiful, and I loved her symbolism, building new bodies with clay and literally leaving behind her a trail of life. This brings me to the questions about reincarnation: which souls get reincarnated? The episode seemed to imply that some souls are at peace and remain in the death world, like the guys' parents, and Finn brings Jake down from the 50th because he seemed to understand that those souls don't feel the need to go back to the world. Does every sould choose for itself? Do Life and Death choose who gets reincarnated? Does everyone get reincarnated, eventually?

Now I want to talk about Finn! What a character. I love him immensely and always have and this episode reminded me of that, especially while showing his "purest" form, the earliest, the "good old days." Finn as an old man seems intelligent, very acute, and extremely determined in finding Jake. (Note: kudos to the writing for putting emphasis in the concept that they're not simply "best friends", they're brothers, family. It was a nice touch and very appropriate.) Finn just wants to come back to the person he loves the most, and cries so much because of this. I have seen this boy so many times on the screen of my tv, this hit a deep chord within me, and I love him so much. Anyway, I already had thought - like many - that his tattoo in Obsidian was because Jake died, and it turned out to be right, but this implies that Finn has lived MANY years without Jake. How old was he in Obsidian - 40? 50, max? Considering how old he looked at the time of his death, we can safely assume that at best he spent 30-40 years without Jake, and that just hurts much more when you think about what he says at the end. He did have reasons to live, but deep down he's always wanted to come back to Jake.

Speaking of Jake: kudos to his character too. When he decides to come back to earth with Finn, his reason is "i'm coming back for fun!" I feel that encapsulates his personality so, so well. Overall I loved how faithful these two were to their 2010 selves. Note: I do wish a bit we got to know how and when they both died, but it's ok to fill in the gaps.

Overall, as the classic gal who's nearly 20 and hence grew up with this cartoon, I have so many soft feelings for this episode. I have loved seeing the references to episodes and characters I have seen on repeat, so many times. This felt dedicated to that first version of AT, so full of wonder and so small and happy, and the ending brought me so much peace. Plus: credits to my sister who made me realize the two characters we see in the last episode are, in fact, Finn and Jake reincarnated and the series ending REALLY hits different after this.

Well. Seeing these two not being separated is so peaceful to me. For once, for a bit, I can believe that something has no end, even if it's fictional. I felt something hit me in my chest when I saw the final title card because I could find comfort in the knowledge that this part of my childhood ended with two intertwined souls forever finding themselves again. I'm so, so happy about that.

[putschki1969]

「KEIKO Live K002 ＊＊Lantana＊咲いたよ＊＊」Live Report

■KEIKO Live K002 ＊＊Lantana＊咲いたよ＊＊ Day & Time：2020/12/16　Doors open: 18:00／Start: 19:00 Venue：Zepp DiverCity TOKYO Live Stream Option: https://stagecrowd.live/4182631157/ Streaming Ticket Sale: 12/1 12:00～12/23 13:00 Ticket Price: 3,000円 Archive: 12/16～12/23

Everyone, SUPPORT Keiko and GO BUY a ticket if you haven’t yet!! (TUTORIAL) It was a REALLY cool live! Keiko was adorable! Koichi Korenaga and Hitoshi Konno added so much to so many songs with their guitar and violin. Also, we got May’n and KEIKO singing to the beginning, a May’n song AND a Christmas song together, all those collabs were AMAZING!!!

KEIKO in a leather jacket on stage. YESSSS!!! What more does a fangirl want? :P And she is wearing what seems to be a red skirt an embellished Christmas-y black top.

Find my first impression below the cut 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

1.Be Yourself: Still doesn’t sound good live. Not at all. Her version from the first live performance might actually have been better than this. I think she shouldn’t start her lives with this song. I feel like she needs to be more warmed-up to go this high. 

2.ミチテハカケル (?): New song. She did tease us on Twitter that there would be some new songs performed at the live but I wasn’t expecting this. Meh...Another more or less forgettable up-tempo song that is not really up my alley. Kinda like Change the World’s Color. Her vocals improved a bit though compared to Be Yourself.

MC: She promises to interact with her online audience once May’n comes on stage. YAY!

3. Hajimari wa: Finally we are getting somewhere. The start of the concert was a bit bumpy but this is a solid performance. 

4. 溜め息の消える街 (Tameiki no Kieru Machi): Another solid performance. By now you know this is not my cup of tea but the live version is enjoyable enough (especially since she is not singing super high).

MC: Hitoshi Konno comes on stage. Keiko remembers their first meeting back in the day. It was for a recording for the Sound Horizon live in 2008. Keiko was super excited to have live strings at the studio and she really idolised Konno back then for his gorgeous playing. She was dying to meet him because so far she had only heard his playing. She was imagining a figure like Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon coming out of the recording booth. But then only Konno came out XD Needless to say, Keiko was quite disappointed. Konno doesn’t seem to remember or he was barely listening to Keiko it seems XD He really has no idea why Keiko is telling us all of this. Keiko says she just wanted to try talking freely about something random.

5. Ray: Ohhhh, the first song I REALLY love from the performance. Ray benefits a lot from the added violin. And Keiko sounds great.

6. 夕顔 (Yugao): YESSSSSSSSS! I was hoping they would use Konno’s violin for this. The intro and bridge were so gorgeous. And the end literally killed me. I LOVED Keiko’s live rendition so much, her expressive vocals hit me right in the feels. 

7. 茜 (Akane): Live violin FTW. Will forever love the verses. The chorus sounds better than in her first live (still not good though - that nobashite mo and kawakasu are just a little too painful for my poor ears). 

MC: Let’s say hello to May’n. May’n is happy to have been asked to appear as guest in Keiko’s live. She is nervous and excited because it has been a while for her to do a live with an audience (+ a live stream). Keiko is going to sing Kalafina together with May’n! BANZAI. On a side note, they are so freaking cute together. May’n is complaining because Keiko so nonchalantly announced that they would be singing a Kalafina song. She thinks this is very special for all of us so it sould be announced accordinly :P Keiko is in a hurry to start singing :P

8. to the beginning: WOW, WOW, WOW! Keiko SLAYS!!! *sobs* The feels!!! And I don’t even like ttb all that much. Keiko got so emotional towards the end. And she sounded better than ever and was obviously so excited to sing a Kalafina song again. Didn’t reallypay much attention to May’n’s vocals. Obviously she is not Wakana.

MC: The excitement is real. May’n loves ttb and has listened to it MANY MANY times so to get to sing it together with Keiko was awesome. Keiko seems to share the sentiment. She is impressed by May’n stage presence and steadiness. Keiko then congratulates May’n on her 15th Anniversary. They finally take a look at the chat for a little while. Keiko is greeting everyone with “yahoo” which everyone in the chat seems to find hilarious because we have never really heard her say this. Someone watches from Korea so Keiko shares some Korean words she knows :P Lots of Macho-senpai talk XD Keiko explains the origin of macho-senpai. It’s from a program Kalafina atteneded and May’n hosted back in the day. Both of them like muscle training so May’n came up with the nickname of macho-senpai for Keiko even though Keiko isn’t even macho or anythin. May’n was shocked to realise that the nickname gained so much popularity and now it is even on Keiko’s Wikipedia page! May’n looks up to Keiko and wants to become macho like her which is why Keiko is “macho-senpai” for her. Keiko denies being macho but May’n is like, “you do so much sports, you are so cool, you love to eat meat, you generally eat a lot (and still stay so thin), you are definitely macho!!!” LOL Keiko thinks about calling May’n Maycho but May’n isn’t into it and she thinks the audience doesn’t like that nickname either even though they can’t see anyone’s face but she sees it in their eyes XD Her HOLA to Mexico is so cute. The tablet is getting heavy so they decide to return it. They are so touchy-feely with each other. And now they are singing a May’n song.

9. graphite / diamond: Never heard it but they rocked the stage together. SO COOL. 

MC: Time for Koichi Korenaga. Lots of cat talk (fyi Kore-chan owns a cat). It’s called JOJO (Jocchan) and Kore-chan often posts pictures on Twitter. Keiko could talk forever about JOJO with Kore-chan.

10. 笑ってやる (Waratte Yaru): Another new song! With lots of English lyrics! Liking this A LOT more than ミチテハカケル I think. So badass. I am into it.

11. エンドロール (End Roll): Is still freaking cool. A mic-stand makes everything better!! Great transition from Waratte Yaru. 

12. Change the World’s Color: While I am not a big fan of the studio live I do quite enjoy her live performances due to her being so enthusiastic. But End Roll and Waratte Yaru are much superior!

MC: Korenaga is about to leave when Keiko reminds him there is one more song to sing XD But before that: Band member introduction. She forgot the guitarist’s full name :P

13: 七色のフィナーレ (Nanairo no Finale):  With both Koichi Korenaga and Hitoshi Konno. BANZAI. Sounds even more like a YK song now. Konno adds so much to the arrangement. Although I think they should have gotten rid of some of the super pop-ish elements of the arrangement to fit the violin more but oh well, it didn’t take away from my listening pleasure. Her final lalala part and the last bit hit differently. So emotional. She obviously felt at home with Konno and Korenaga at her side. So beautiful. Her vocals were a tiny bit better during K001 though and she did make a mistake at one point where her voice literally broke but I am not sure if it was because she was emotional or if she was just exhausted from singing so many up-tempo and high-key songs in a row.

ENCORE: An instrumental of Jingle Bells. May’n is back on stage with Keiko. They want to eat yakiniku for Christmas, not chicken but beef! YAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Keiko loves May’n’s pants and is close to stripping her XD Keiko points out that the slit is very high. I think what she is doing counts as molestation :P Anyways, May’n is super excited to see a new side of Keiko in the future. She has known her for so long but there are still so many new things to discover and that makes her very curious and she feels like it will be the same for all of her fans. Keiko is touched by May’n’s heartfelt little message. Since it’s almost Christmas they need to sing a Christmas song

EN 1. 荒野の果てに (Angels We Have Heard on High): AHHHHHHHHH, one of my favourite Christmas songs. The beginning was FLAWLESS!! Actually loved the pop arrangement even though I usually prefer a more classical one. How I wish I had gotten to hear Kalafina sing this T_T But either way, their collab was great!! I will never like May’n’s voice and it doesn’t go too well with Keiko’s imo but hey, she still did fine.[What I would give to hear Wakana sing this with Keiko. We got a mini version during Kalafina Club once and even that sounded amazing]

EN2. 命の花 (Inochi no Hana): Really loved it.

MC: Keiko says she has many fun things planned for next year so we should look forward to it.

[madlymiho]

Hello!!!! If I'm right on time can I request spooky alphabet Casper, Frankenstein, kill, supernatural & Unexpected with Law & Zoro? If not then delete this.

Hey anon! ☺️ you were in time!

Law's S and F letters has already been answered, so I won't put it again here!

Thanks for requesting my alphabet! 🤓❤️ I hope you'll enjoy it!

Spookyvent #12

Zoro

Casper: Do they believe in ghost? Would they hunt for them? Do they believe in a life after death or are they down on the ground most of the time?

Zoro isn’t so much a believer (remember how he claims he didn’t believe in God even when he was in Skypeia?), so ghosts? Meh, possible, for sure, maybe it exists, maybe not. Who really cares? If they exist, well, he’s not afraid of them, and he’s more curious to know if he’s able to slice them in pieces rather than truly study them. Can he kill a ghost for a second time? That would be a nice thing to discover for sure! If Luffy believes it can be fun the hunt them and discover their existence wherever they are, yeah, for sure he’s in! Zoro lives for the thrill and the fun, and he’s probably the one who doesn’t blink when his captain comes up with the stupidest ideas. So frankly, Zoro is swinging between his non-beliefs in general, and the very fact that his world is a damn example of weird things happening. If it happens, it happens, he will only care if it can bring some fun and challenge in his swordsman’s life!

Frankenstein:  Favorite literature to read during this spooky period? Comics? Novels

Not that he’s the most idiotic man on Earth, but Zoro isn’t a thorough reader either. He sometimes borrows some comics to Usopp or Franky, he avoids to ask the damn cook for any kind of reading as well (because he knows what he will find), and he’s not really into very complicated books like Robin would enjoy. What can be his options? Chopper prefers to read medicinal books, Nami is into romance or navigation stuff, and Brook prefers some classical readings Zoro finds too boring to actually care. Perhaps if any of them could offer him a story with sword and war, he will pay attention and might try to read (if he’s not falling asleep during the process).

Nah, really, the best option remains in having a member of his crew (Robin, for sure), picking a very morbid and bloody story to read it out loud, so at least, he wouldn’t have to read it himself - especially not when someone can do it better than him!

Kill: What would be their most favorite way to kill someone? What is their method? Are they able to kill or would they get cold feet?

Killing isn’t what motivate Zoro to fight. He’s not looking for any sort of murder, and this is not the Straw Hat’s philosophy, on the contrary, they always prefer to try saving soulds rather than condemning them. Zoro will always make sure that he’s not deadly hurting someone, only seeking for the challenge of the combat rather than the death of his opponent. Even the most cruel ennemies he fought aren’t dead today, even if Zoro definitely has the power to end their lives.

Zoro has honor, despite his choice to become a pirate, and killing someone is a part of the forbidden thing of his own code.

Supernatural: What are their beliefs? Do they actually trust in supernatural existence in the first place?

Absolutely nothing, this guy is bulletproof to any kind of supernatural beliefs. You can put him a ghost, a god, a zombie, for sure he’s surprised, but he believes they are some kind of explanations, coming from the Devil Fruits in the first place. Real ghosts, real demons, all of these, he clearly thinks they are a myth and nothing else. He’s very rational, and would never pay attention this kind of stuff, preferring to live his life in peace.

Supernatural things aren’t a thing for a swordsman, he has to remain down to earth to prepare himself to claim the title of being the best fighter, and for that, he can only count on himself anyway.

Unexpected: What could really surprise them, what would be the most unexpected situations to spend Halloween for them?

Having a quiet celebration can be the only surprise for Zoro here. Quiet... the only world which would never define the Straw Hat and their chaotic vibes. It seems almost frightening to imagine that they can behave. Imagine how it can be so disturbing to have them all quietly seated around a table, eating in peace and soft voices, until they would all choose to sleep rather than doing some mischief in town?

So scary... It gives goosebumps to Zoro for sure!

Law

Casper: Do they believe in ghost? Would they hunt for them? Do they believe in a life after death or are they down on the ground most of the time?

No, definitely, Law doesn’t believe in ghosts. He doesn’t really believe in anything from the supernatural area, mostly because of his scientist mind for sure. Of course, as everyone, he has sometimes wished to be able to see his family again, or Corazon, because it could have offered him a bit of comfort when his days were dark and clouded. But right now, as the grown-up edgy man he is, frankly, ghosts are nothing but stories. Even in a world like the one he lives in, he can’t allow himself to really have hopes in those beliefs. So he doesn’t care, and wouldn’t hunt for them. Surely, he has better things to do.

A life after death? If he’s not certain about it, at least it hopes it exists. Probably because he wishes to see the people he lost once more. He wants them to forever live pain-free, in a soothing world they will all deserve. But it’s only his personal hopes, and not something he will share with anyone.

Kill: What would be their most favorite way to kill someone? What is their method? Are they able to kill or would they get cold feet?

It really depends on the person, Law would avoid killing someone if he can. He doesn’t believe it’s necessary, especially with the power of the ope ope no mi he has. After all, he can remove organs and uses them to balckmail those people, so killing innocents, or pirates, just for the thrill to kill someone else? No, really not for him. He’s also a doctor, and it would be a contradiction for him to assassinate everyone on his path.

Though, for the people who hurt his loved ones, you better be sure that death can be on the menu. He prefers to come up with a long prepared plan rather than just rushing to kill that person. His emotions are honestly blinding his judgement, and his way of killing might be utterly brutal, depends on what the person for sure. So yes, Law can kill, Law will kill if he has a good reason - he’s still a pirate after all - but he’s not thirsty for blood and can definitely control his wrath.

Unexpected: What could really surprise them, what would be the most unexpected situations to spend Halloween for them?

Probably endind up trick and treating with any member of his crew or some allies like the Straw Hat, or just... celebratring Halloween in the first place. The real surprise would be that someone eventually find the good arguments to make his change his plans. He doesn’t want to go outside, he doesn’t want to party, he doesn’t want to put a costume on... If anyone manages to make him change his mind, well, that would be quite a feat here! After all, Law hates when things don’t follow his plan, and he’s not very comfortable when something breaks what he has anticipated for days, or weeks.

For sure... He’s afraid of the chaos Hallowen can be if he’s around the Straw Hat for example, quite sure that he would have the most stressful night of his entire life for sure!

[au-bound]

My 2020 Top 10 Reading List

Hi people! I took a long break from Tumblr, (and lots of social media actually) but I'm back on and wanted to talk about what I've been doing this year- reading! The only upside to quarantine is that I was able to get back into this hobby in a way I was neglecting for a long time, and it's made me feel more like myself. I've missed it.

So I wanted to share my favorite books/series from the 60+ books I read this year. Hope whoever gets to look at this post gets some inspiration! I tried to keep my musings spoiler-free...

10. The One by John Marrs (8/10)

This book explores several love stories in a world where science and a dating app match you with your literal soulmate. Sould like a fanfiction premise, right? Well, that's why I read it too. And it turned out pretty good! Nothing earth-shattering, but heartwarming and with enough plot twists to make the top 10.

9. The Falconer trilogy by Elizabeth May (8/10)

I'm a sucker for the dark, brooding fae royalty loving the headstrong girl trope. And I looooved the steampunk twist of this high fantasy series. Not all 3 books captivated my attention equally, so spot number 9!

8. Well Met by Jen DeLuca (8.5/10)

A guilty pleasure of mine is miscommunication as a plot point. It feeds my fanfic-lovin' soul. So following this hopelessly awkward love story through a Renaissance Fair as they misjudge each other more than Elizabeth and Darcy made this quite an enjoyable read.

7. The Last One by Alexandra Oliva (8.5/10)

Ok, this was the perfect 2020 book. So basically, a virus wipes out almost the entire world while these contests on a solo survival show are wandering the wilderness, thinking every post-apocalyptic thing they're seeing is part of the show. You think, knowing this, you're a step ahead of the narrator, until you realize YOU'RE NOT. This book messed me up. I loved it.

6. The Hollow Places by T. Kingfisher (8.5/10)

The second, but not last book, to mess me up completely was this one. How to explain it... The character finds this portal to this middle ground between dimensions, and the monsters that inhabit it. These are some of the most terrifyingly written creatures I've read about, especially in their ambiguity. And I adore the friendship between the main characters. They embody the mid-life weariness I already feel in my soul at 23.

5. Geekerella trilogy by Ashley Poston (9/10)

Feel-good books, plain and simple. And I'm also a sucker for modern interpretations of fairy tales! There's something about knowing where a story is going that brings so much comfort; that's why rom-coms are so beloved. And I enjoyed how geeky all the characters were, they were easy to love. Book was like a hot bath.

4. Bird Box by Josh Malerman (9/10)

This had been in my read list long before the movie came out (which I had refused to contemplate seeing until I read the book), and I finally got around to it! And boy oh boy, I'm glad I did. I was pretty much holding my breath the entire book, which is exactly what I'm looking for and actually rarely get in a thriller. But you feel her fear the whole time, her desperate scramble for survival. More books should be like that, where you actually have to take breaks because it's too intense.

3. The Call by Peadar O'Guilin (9/10)

This book had, without a doubt, the most sadistic villains I have ever read about. In this book, after children turn 13 they are transported to the fairy world, where they have to survive for 24 hours. After years of training for this moment, only 10% do. And the main character with polio has no chance. You're afraid to hope the whole time, but you desperately do. Though both have great villains, I ranked this higher than The Hollow Places because fae.

2. The Martian by Andy Weir (10/10)

This was a surprise. I was not expecting to enjoy this book as much as I did, mostly because I knew it would be a bunch of math and science involved, which do not hold my attention well. But I fell in love with the main character's perseverance, optimism, and goofy sense of humor. If it were literally any other character in that situation, they wouldn't have made it, but this guy just refused to give up or stop looking for solutions to impossible problems. All my books I rent from a library app (because I'm broke) but I would buy this one to read again.

1. Six of Crows/Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo (10/10)

And here we are at #1! You know when you hear about a book (or movie, or show) so much on this app, you almost get turned off from reading it? That was this series. But I'm so glad I gave it a shot. This high fantasy Ocean's Eleven heist novel had characters that are all kind of horrible, but I was rooting for all of them right off the bat. And this was one of the few books that I genuinely could never guess what was coming next. My only complaint is that there isn't more of them, because I could read about Kaz Brekker creating impossibly elaborate schemes forever.

[curechocolattymilk]

I am in a sorta rambling Skyrim mood again so if you want lists of my mods i have/want to keep for Skyrim Extended Cut’s release/want to get for a fresh save under S:EC uhh here you go??

MOD LIST IN GENERAL/AS A WHOLE (might be a long one)

Immersive Citizens - AI Overhaul

USSEP

Alternate Start

Cutting Room Floor

The Paarthurnax Dilemma

Khajiit Speak (disabled atm, only on for a Khajiit character I plan on remaking)

Wet & Cold SE

Static Mesh Improvement Mod (SMIM)

BarenziahQuestMarkers SSE

Immersive Patrols SE

Apocalypse

Ordinator

Horns Are Forever SE

Wildcat

Inigo

DigitigradeKhajiit_ArgonianRaptor

Falskaar (disabled & prob gonna be uninstalled. Wasn’t satisfied w the mod so i went back to a save before installing it that wasn’t too far back)

Run For Your Lives

Enhanced Lights & FX

True Storms SE (+Compatibility patch for W&C)

Civil War Aftermath

Hearthfire Multiple Adoptions & Custom Home Support SE

Derkeethus Dual

New Beginnings- AS Extension

No More Stupid Dog

D13 Faster Get Up SSE

Amazing Follower Tweaks SE

DWC Player Werewolf Replacer

Diverse Werewolves Collection

Dominions More Argonians

Immersive Good Boy

Skyrim Sewers

Convenient Horses

Fast Travel Ambushes & Consequences

Interesting NPCS/3DNPC (& with it, Cyb’s Overhaul) SE  Patches/Hotfixes

BAT- Bigger Argonian Tails SE

BS: Bruma SE (and patches)

Vigilant SE + Voiced English Addon SE

Cinematic Dragon Soul Absorption (disabled)

Shout - Immersive & Dynamic Overhaul

SkyUI SE + Flashing Savegames Fix

Destructible Display Cases

Dragon Stalking Fix

TK Dodge SE

Immersive Movement

Hun Lovaas & the mod authors other music replacer mods

Hoth

More Tavern Idles

Ultimate Combat SE

Library of Paarthurnax SSE

Dawnguard as vampire (didn’t want to lose part of my sould for the DG quest lol, turned right back into a werewolf)

Real Bosses (Light File)

Immersive World Encounters SE

Better Jumping SE

Kaidan 2

Race Menu

Miraak DB Follower + Dialogue Plus

Monster race crash fix (for the Play as a Dragon mod)

Lucien Flavius

Racial Body Morphs SE - Diverse body types & height

CWN - Civil War Neutrality SSE

Alt Conversation Camera

Guard Dialogue Overhaul SE

Deadly Dragons

Werewolf Feral Run

Bigger Tails for Werewolves

Predators - Werewolf & Vampire role playing tool (Lite version currently disable)

3DNPC Talkative Followers

Masque of Argonian Vile SSE

Talkative Dragons + Enigma Series

My Little Hatchling SSE + Adoptable Argonian Hatchling

Play As a Dragon

Growl - Werebeasts of Skyrim (I definitely recommend this for werewolf playthroughs! It doesn’t have Moonlight Tales’ features but its still balanced/fun & barely buggy in my experience)

Death is Highly Overrated redone 2020

SKSE64

MODS IM FOR SURE KEEPING/MAYBE KEEPING

To keep the bulletpoint list hopefully short: Patch/QoL mods that fix vanilla issues (i.e. USSEP, D13, SMIM, the like), follower mods (save for Miraak since S:EC seems to have something planned for him), mods done to tweak the Werewolf experience, combat & boss difficulty mods, Mods that overhaul NPCs dialogue/AI (guards, citizens in general), weather mods, music mods, & mods that make Argonians & Khajiit look a bit more fun are for sure staying! Any civil war mods I have might be trimmed off, debating on how S:EC approaches reworking the secondary story quest. That being said:

BarenziahQM - For the sole fact it makes that quest soo much better

Paarthunax Dilemma - a solid maybe? S:EC is also gonna do something bout this part of the Blades quest if I read their reddit post correctly, so I might just leave it disabled & see what happens first

Hearthfire Multiple Adoptions - yes pls let me make Tei a papa to every Skyrim also I need it to make Kaidan’s home available for the kiddos

Derkeethus - makes him a more decent follower but eeeh idk i rarely take him out often so it might be snipped itsa maybe

Destructible Display Cases- sometimes i’m too lazy to lockpick

No more Stupid Dog/Immersive Good Boy- Meeko is a good boy I should be able to tell him & also my kids + housecarls shouldn’t call him stupid >:(

More Argonians- I just like these funky reptiles (used to have More Khajiits too but it always would CTD at a certain inn w it installed. F)

Alternate Start- Makes things more spicy

CH- Sorta QoL for the skyrim horses, for sure staying

FTA&C- Again, makes things more spicy, but in the event of some group jumping you while traveling

Vigilant- Maybe?? It’s fun as hell but not really in character for Jeer-Tei. Perhaps re-enabled later as an end game thing alongside BS: Atmora whenever that comes out?

Shout- makes cooldowns more bearable so itsa keep

DSF- also a QoL mod

Immersive Movement + More Tavern Idles + Better Jumping + Immersive Encounters

AFT- big traveling groups are always fun/it makes it easier to horde keep all of Skyrim’s dogs

Race Menu + Racial BM SE- falls under “makes Argonians more fun” like some other argonian focused mods I guess? RBM plays around w everyones height and RM just lets you go buck wild (in a sfw way! unless...yknow you got nsf/w mods i guess) doesn’t hurt to specify tho lol

Alternate Convo Camera- Really fun!! Despite it pointing out how short my LDB is

Deadly Dragons- Makes fighting the Dovah much more fun w all the (honestly not as canon) diversity in looks & abilities! Can recommend, not too harsh on older devices either from what I know

Death is Highly Overrated

Play as a Dragon + Monster Race Fix- another hard maybe because well...you turn into a dragon which isn’t too immersive I guess?? Probably another “end game” mod for Tei

MODS IM EYEING/WANT TO GET (this post is so long so far I’m sorry)

Survival Mods!! (iNeed is one I’m looking at & maaaybe Frostfall?? idk i’ll have to see about that one i heard its not too fun for the Argonian gang) P much looking for something that’ll make exploring the wilds of Skyrim less of a bore

Camping + Hunting based mods! I’ve been eyeing Campfire & Hunterborn specifically, but open to any other suggestions. Same reasoning as survival mods, makes it more fun to travel! Plus, I’m going for an in character experience, it would fit Tei!

Khash & Auri follower mods. I’ve been eyeing these two for a bit, but from my experience w adding Kaidan & Lucien late game, I miss a lot of fun stuff D: So I’m planning on nabbing them for a fresh playthrough under S:EC (or at least, Khash! I uh...don’t know how to download mods manually/always mess it up & Auri doesn’t have the option to let Vortex do all the work unfortunately, but we’ll see!)

Maybe some nice armor mods?? Again nothing too heavy to handle but just to add some flavor(tm)

Saw a mod that made Animal AI a bit more realistic, might nab that

long shot but a mod that lets everyone refer to your LDB via they/them pronouns would be cool too but idk feel like it’d be a nightmare to attempt modder wise. Honestly i’d love the idea of having a mod or two that’ll let me confirm that Tei is trans themselves in game (3DNPC has a quest where you can say your character is, but that’s about it to my knowledge)! Buuut I’m unsure to search for any cause: 1) I don’t want to deal w transphobes ruining my searches & my day on Nexus & 2) Any curious google/bing searches keep bringing up Lovers lab & mmmm no thank you.

and uh...so far that’s the base of it? idk im still looking around & I might have to add/drop some things depending on like...how much my current computer can handle, Not grabbing any fancy graphics mods, that’s for sure lol

[reallifesultanas]

Portrait of (Ayşe) Hafsa Valide Sultan / (Ayşe) Hafsa Valide Szultána portréja

I think most of you know what is happening with my youtube channel… So anyway I created a facebook page (Reallifesultanas) where I will post also. Since my videos are not available now (but I’m still working on a solution), I will write posts about the life of these amazing people. I will write down what was in my videos. I know it’s absolutely not the same, but maybe it would be nice to see in one place these informations.

I would like to start with (Ayşe) Hafsa, who represents the transition between the old world and the new world. After all, as the first Valide Sultan ever, she stands out from her predecessors, but her influence cannot be compared to that of her successors. However, it is likely that she played a very large role in the formation o the Sultanate of Women. In the case of Hafsa, there are plenty of legends and misunderstandings that I would like to clarify in my writing. I tried to use as many resources as possible, of course Leslie Peirce was my biggest help again!

Origin

Her exact date of birth is not known, but based on the presumed years of birth of her children, a date between roughly 1470-1475 can be assumed. Legend has it that she was a Crimean princess who was married to the later Selim I (r. 1512-1520) by the Crimean khan himself - her father, Meñli Giray (r. 1467, 1469-1475, 1478-1515). 

However, this is not accepted by recent researches and most reliable historians. There are several counter-arguments, some of which I would like to describe. During Mehmed II's reign (r. 1444-1446 és 1451-1481), in addition to the sultans, the marriages of the princes also changed from their previous characteristics (about it in more detail in my previous post). This practically means that although it was not forbidden by a specific law, the princes could not marry either a noble woman or a simple concubine. Selim was only a prince when he took Hafsa his consort and their children were born. 

This also highlights that Hafsa could not have been a Crimean princess, as the princes could not marry, especially not with the women of other dynasties. This is further strengthened by the fact that Bayezid II (reign 1481-1512), (Selim's father) did not want to see Selim on the throne, so he would never have allowed him to marry a Crimean princess and thus have a very strong alliance with the Crimean khan himself. 

The origin of the legend may have been that Hafsa may have come to Selim as a gift from the Crimean dynasty, or perhaps that she was of Crimean descent, perhaps she may have been very distantly relative of the khan. It is very plausible that she was the gift of the khan (despite her origin). Selim was a governor in Trabzon from 1489 until he ascended the throne, so he was close to the Crimean Khanate, and there was certainly a connection between them.

Her life with Selim

Although she did not became Selim's legal wife, we can assume that she may have been his favorite concubine. This is indicated by the fact that she had given birth to several children for her master - following the one-concubine-one son custom - which suggests that Selim liked her. Hafsa gave birth to at least three daughters before her only son was born. 

Her eldest daughter was probably Hatice, since she was first who was married off, in 1509, on the basis of which she may have been born around 1490-91. She could be followed by Fatma, who was already married during his father's reign, perhaps born between 1491-92. And Hafsa's youngest daughter may have been Beyhan, whom was married off by Süleyman during his early reign. It is precisely because of her late marriage that it is questionable whether Hafsa was her mother at all. If Hafsa was her mother,  then Beyhan was born between 1492-94, but definitely before Süleyman.

Nevertheless, although it is not clear whether Selim's sons from other concubines died naturally or by Selim's hand, it is clear that Selim saw his heir in Süleyman, the son of Hafsa.

Her life during Süleyman's princelyhood

As soon as her son was appointed governor of Caffa in 1509, by Sultan Bayezid II, she accomponied him, leaving Selim and Trabzon forever. Her daughters, who were not yet married, went also with them. Hatice presumably didn’t move with them anymore, but married to his father's supporter. This alliance became a life-saving one for her father later.

A few years later, they were struck in Caffa by the news that Sultan Bayezid II (r. 1481-1512) named his son, Ahmed (1466-1513) as his heir. This meant, that in the case of Bayezid's death, both Selim and Süleyman would be executed by Ahmed. Selim rebelled against his father and eventually triumphed with the help of the Janissaries. Hatice’s husband also played a key role in preventing Selim’s claimant brother from getting to Istanbul before Selim; but Süleyman himself also took his part when he helped his father while he was hiding in Caffa for a time.

Süleyman spent his father's reign in Manisa. During this time he sould have felt somewhat calm as the single heir, but he lived in fear because of his father’s violent nature and paranoia. It was Hafsa who presumably — knowing Selim's nature well — advised his son on how to behave so as not to attract his father's attention and anger. In Manisa, Hafsa’s salary was well above that of Süleyman, receiving 6,000 silver aspers per month.

Süleyman's father sent him twice (1514-15 and 1516-18) to Edirne to guard the western border of the empire, while he fought at the eastern border. At that time, his mother presumably accompanied him as well, but if she didn't than she helped him with letters. The former occasion (1514-15) drew a very serious gap between father and son. The campaign went much worse than Selim had expected, and the Janissaries who otherwise supported him, turned against him and rumores started to spread about that they wanted to place Süleyman on the throne instead of Selim. According to Venetian sources, Selim then sent a poisoned kaftan to Süleyman to get rid of him. We all know the story itself well, Hafsa - knowing Selim and hearing the rumors - was very careful about her son and warned him to be careful. However, other sources do not mention this event. What is certain, however, is that Selim was then particularly careful of his son. And Hafsa, feeling this, paid special attention and regularly warned her son how to behave. It was for this reason that Süleyman did not show any interest in the throne and politics. However, Selim cannot be fully condemned for this, as it must be acknowledged, he nurtured and prepared Süleyman with great care for reigning and created an empire on solid feet on which Süleyman could later build. What Süleyman did not receive from his father, like love, support, safety, his mother, Hafsa gave him that.

It was Hafsa who kept order in Süleyman's harem during his time in Caffa and Manisa. Hafsa may could also be helped by one of her daughters who lived with them. This girl could most likely be Beyhan or Fatma. Hafsa either became a grandmother for the first time in Caffa or in Manisa, in any case, the birth of her first grandson Mahmud gave new hope to the post-Civil War conditions.

The first Valide Sultan

The rank of sultana though was introduced by Bayezid II (r. 1481-1512), so his daughters were already sultanas, Bayezid's mother could not live long enough for that. Because of this, the first Valide Sultan ever was Hafsa.

In September 1520, when Selim died on a campaign, Süleyman immediately rode to Istanbul and began his reign of more than 40 years (r. 1520-1566). Süleyman arrived to Istanbul on September 30, two weeks after his father’s death. On December 18, the Venetian ambassador reported that Hafsa had also arrived to Istanbul, now as a completely free woman. With a delay of more than two months, she even surpassed the other members of Suleiman’s harem. Her first task after her arrival was to take control of the Old Palace and prepare everything to receive Süleyman’s harem.

Certainly his mother greatly contributed to Süleyman's early actions, to building his image. Soon after Süleyman's accession to the throne, he tried to show that he was not like his father, he is not cruel. To prove this, for example, he released 600 Egyptian slaves captured by his father.

Hafsa was a very good-natured, kind-hearted woman, which the people liked very much. She showed her concern not only to her family, but in many cases even in to her subjects. There is a known case where one of the late Selim I’s faithful pashas, ​​the governor of Egypt, passed away - during Süleyman’s reign - and his widow wrote a letter to Hafsa about how alone she felt in Egypt. Hafsa brought the woman to Istanbul at her own expense and took care of her.

Her calm nature is indicated by his ability to keep order in his son’s harem and prevent the growing tension between Hürrem and Mahidevran from erupting. According to the descriptions, she was devoted to her son and always kept Süleyman's interests in mind, so in reality she was never against the love of her son's life, Hürrem. Moreover, according to sources, the two women liked each other as well. In connection with Hürrem, it is worth mentioning that when Hürrem's first child was born, Süleyman was not in the capital, so it is possible that Hafsa named him, as the head of the family.

During her tenure, especially in the absence of her son, she had to perform very serious duties. She tried to support and advise her son even when he was on campaigns, sending him plenty of letters. She never wanted to influence her child, but rather tried to support, listen, and show him the way. There was only exception when she tried to influence Süleyman in the interests of her family instead of the interests of the empire. One of Süleyman's leader statemen, Ferhad Pasha, made a series of mistakes for which Süleyman wanted to punish him. However, Hafsa confronted her son and persuaded him to give Ferhad another chance, as the pasha was the husband of Beyhan and the father of her children. Süleyman was reluctant, but gave in to his mother's will in the end. However, Ferhad still did not change, so in 1524 Hafsa could no longer save him from execution. From the reportes about the execution, a picture of a caring mother emerges in front of us about Hafsa. During the events, she struggled with herself: there was the mother, who would comfort and support her daughter, and there was the Valide Sultan, who knew that her son had done the right thing. Hafsa repeatedly shared her concerns about Beyhan and her children. No doubt she wanted to take Beyhan and her grandchildren with her, as is customary, but Beyhan went into voluntary exile with her children instead of moving to the Old Palace. If Hafsa was actually Beyhan’s mother, it surely have hurt her mother-heart for the rest of her life.

In 1526, the Venetian ambassador wrote about her, presumably based on the words of a paid harem servant, that “a very beautiful woman of 48, for whom [the sultan] bears great reverence and love.”

Süleyman also tried to express his love by starting to renovate the Topkapi Palace's harem almost immediately after ascended the throne so that his mother would have a residence there. Probably Süleyman wanted to relocate the main part of the harem to Topkapi because he was a very family-centric man and wanted to keep his mother, his love and his children in his immediate vicinity.

Her death and legacy

The harem of Topkapi Palace was completed by 1534, but Hafsa could no longer move in. It is not known whether she could have seen the new harem at all, or whether she was already in such a bad condition that she could not leave the Old Palace at all. In any case, on March 19, 1534, Hafsa passed away. Her age at that time of her death may have been slightly more than the age suggested by the Venetian ambassador (56) and she may have rather been in her early sixties. The cause of her death is unknown, presumably not caused by an epidemic but by an age-related illness.

After her death, the whole empire fell into mourning, as everyone loved her very much. And Süleyman lost his greatest and most loyal supporter. To express his respect for his mother, contrary to tradition, he placed her in his father’s complex for final rest in a separate tomb after an imperial funeral. Celalzade Mustafa, who described her funeral, said goodbye with very long prayers in which Hafsa was likened to the most revered Muslim women, such as Hatice, the first wife of the Prophet Muhammad, his daughter Fatma and his third and favorite wife, Ayşe: “[S]he was a woman of great ascetism and a lady of righteous thought, queen of the realm of chastity and the Khadija of the capital of purity, builder of charitable foundations and doer of pious deeds, the Fatima of the era and the ‘A’isha of the age.”

Hafsa was the first consort to be able to built an imperial mosque. Her complex is located in Manisa, it was built by 1522 and in addition to its mosque it includes, among other things, a school, a hospital and a bath.

*    *     *

Úgy gondolom sokan tudjátok mi történt a youtube csatornámmal. Mindenesetre emiatt mostantól jelen vagyok a facebookon Reallifesultanas névvel.Mivel videóim jelenleg nem elérhetőek (igaz a megoldáson továbbra is dolgozom), szeretném most posztokban, portrékban összefoglalni ezeknek a nagyszerű embereknek az életét. Természetesen tudom, nem ugyanolyan így mint a videókkal, de úgy gondoltam jó lenne így egyben látni az információkat.

Stílusosan (Ayşe) Hafsával szeretném kezdeni, aki az átmenetet jelenti a régi világ és az új világ között. Hiszen a valaha volt első valide szultánaként kiemelkedik elődei közül, ám befolyása nem fogható utódaiéhoz. Azonban valószínű, hogy nagyon nagy szerepe volt a Nők szultánátusának, mint olyan létrejöttében. (Ayşe) Hafsa esetében rengeteg a legenda és félreértés, melyeket írásomban szeretnék tisztázni. Igyekeztem minél több forrást felhasználni, legnagyobb segítségemre természetesen megint Leslie Peirce volt!

Származása

Pontos születési dátuma nem ismert, gyermekeinek feltételezett születési évei alapján azonban nagyjából 1470-1475 közötti dátumot lehet feltételezni. A legendák szerint Krími hercegnő volt, akit maga a Krími kán – tehát az apja, Meñli I Giray (uralkodás: 1467, 1469-1475, 1478-1515) – adott nőül a későbbi I. Szelimhez (uralkodás 1512-1520). 

Ezt azonban az újabb kutatások és a legtöbb történész nem fogadja el. Több ellenérv is létezik, melyek közül néhányat szeretnék ismertetni. II. Mehmed (uralkodás: 1444-1446 és 1451-1481) uralkodása alatt a szultánok mellett a hercegek házasodási szokásai is megváltoztak a korábban jellemzőekhez képest (részletesebben korábbi posztomban). Ez gyakorlatilag azt jelenti, hogy bár nem konkrét törvény tiltotta, de a hercegek nem házasodhattak sem nemes asszonnyal, sem egyszerű ágyassal. Szelim még csak herceg volt, mikor Hafsát maga mellé vette és gyermekeik születtek. 

Ez pedig rávilágít arra is, hogy Hafsa nem lehetett Krími hercegnő, hiszen a hercegek nem nősülhettek, különösen nem más dinasztiák asszonyaival. Ezt tovább erősíti, hogy II. Bayezid (uralkodás 1481-1512) (Szelim apja) a legkevésbé sem akarta Szelimet látni a trónon, tehát sohasem engedte volna neki, hogy egy Krími hercegnőt vegyen nőül és ezzel igen erős szövetségest kapjon maga mellé a Krími kán személyében. 

A legenda eredete talán az lehet, hogy Hafsa a Krími dinasztia ajándékaként kerülhetett Szelimhez, esetleg krími származású volt, talán nagyon távoli rokonságban lehetett a kánnal és annak ajándéka volt Szelim herceg számára. Szelim ugyanis 1489-től kezdve Trabzonban székelt egészen trónra jutásáig, tehát közel volt a Krími Kánsághoz, emiatt bizonyosan volt közöttük kapcsolat.

Élete Szelim mellett

Bár nem volt Szelim felesége, feltételezhetjük, hogy ő lehetett a kedvenc ágyasa. Erre utal, hogy több gyermeket is szült urának – betartva az egy ágyas egy fiú szokást –, ami arra utal, hogy Szelim kedvelte őt. Ugyanis Hafsa legalább három leánynak adott életet mielőtt egyetlen fia megszületett volna. 

Legidősebb leánya valószínűleg Hatice volt, mivel ő ment férjhez először 1509-ben, ez alapján 1490-91 körül születhetett. Őt követhette Fatma, aki már apja uralkodása alatt lett kiházasítva, talán 1491-92 között születhetett. Legfiatalabb leánya pedig Beyhan lehetett, akit már Szulejmán adott férjhez, meglehetősen későn. Éppen kései házassága miatt kérdéses, hogy egyáltalán Hafsa volt e az édesanyja. Ha Hafsa leánya volt, akkor Beyhan 1492-94 között született, mindenképpen Szulejmán előtt.

Mindemellett, bár az nem tiszta, hogy Szelim más ágyasoktól származó fiai természetes módon haltak e meg, vagy Szelim keze által, az tiszta, hogy Szelim Szulejmánban – Hafsa fiában – látta örökösét.

Élete Szulejmán hercegsége alatt

Amint fiát 1509-ben kinevezte a szultán Caffa kormányzójává, vele tartott ezzel elhagyva Szelimet és Trabzont. Azok a leányai is vele tartottak, akik még nem voltak házasok. Hatice már feltehetőleg nem költözött velük, hanem férjhez ment ezzel életmentő támogatót szerezve apjának. 

Néhány évvel később itt érte őket a hír, hogy a szultán II. Bayezid (uralkodás: 1481-1512) Ahmed (1466-1513) nevű fiát nevezte ki örököséül. Ez Bayezid halála esetében egyet jelentett Szelim és Szulejmán halálával. Szelim fellázadt apja ellen és végül a janicsárok segítségével győzedelmeskedett. Hatice férjének is kulcsszerepe volt abban, hogy Szelim trónkövetelő testvére ne juthasson Szelim előtt Isztambulba; ám maga Szulejmán is segítette apját, mikor az egy ideig Caffában bújkált. 

Szulejmán apja uralkodását Manisában töltötte. Ez alatt valamelyest nyugodtabbnak érezhette volna magát, mint egyetlen örökös, azonban apja erőszakos természete és paranoiája miatt félelemben élt. Hafsa volt az, aki feltehetőleg – Szelimet jól ismerve – tanácsokkal látta el fiát, hogyan viselkedjen, nehogy magára vonja apja figyelmét és haragját. Manisában Hafsa izetése bőven meghaladta Szulejmánét, 6000 ezüst aspert kapott havonta.

Szulejmánt apja kétszer (1514-15 és 1516-18) is Edirnébe küldte, hogy őrizze a birdalom nyugati határát, amíg ő a keleti határnál harcolt. Ilyenkor feltehetőleg anyja is elkísérte őt. Előbbi alkalom nagyon komoly szakadékot húzott apa és fia közé. A hadjárat ugyanis sokkal rosszabbul ment, mint Szelim várta és az egyébként őt támogató janicsárok ellene fordultak és olyan pletyka ütötte fel a fejét, miszerint Szelim helyett fiát, Szulejmánt akarják trónra ültetni. Velencei források szerint ekkor küldött Szelim egy mérgezett kaftánt Szulejmán számára, hogy megszabaduljon tőle. A történetet magát mind jól ismerjük, Hafsa – ismerve Szelimet és hallva a pletykákat – nagyon óvta fiát és figyelmeztette, hogy legyen óvatos. Más források azonban ezt az eseményt nem említik. Az azonban bizonyos, hogy Szelim ezekután különösen óvatos volt fiával szembe. Hafsa pedig érezve ezt, különösen odafigyelt, és rendszeresen figyelmeztette fiát, hogy hogyan viselkedjen. Szulejmán pont emiatt nem mutatott semmiféle érdeklődést a trónra és a politikára. Nem lehet azonban elítélni teljességgel ezért Szelimet, hiszen el kell ismerni, nagy odafigyeléssel nevelte és készítette fel Szulejmánt az uralkodásra és egy olyan biztos lábakon álló birodalmat hozott létre, amire Szulejmán később építhetett. Amit nem kapott meg az apjától, a szeretetet, támogatást, biztonságot, azt édesanyja kamatostul megadta neki.

Hafsa volt az, aki rendet tartott Szulejmán háremében annak Manisai tartózkodása alatt. Segítségére lehetett egyik leánya is, aki velük élt. Ez a lány Beyhan lehetett legnagyobb valószínűséggel, esetleg Fatma. Hafsa vagy már Caffában vált először nagymamává vagy Manisában, mindenesetre unokája Mahmud születése új reményt adott a polgárháború utáni állapotokra.

Az első valide szultána

A szultána rangot bár II. Bayezid (uralkodás 1481-1512) vezette be, így lányai már szultánák voltak, édesanyja ezt nem érhette meg. Emiatt a valaha volt első valide szultána Hafsa volt. 

1520 szeptemberében Szelim a fronton meghalt betegségben, Szulejmán azonnal Isztambulba vágtázott és megkezdte több mint 40 éves uralkodását (u. 1520-1566). Szulejmán két héttel apja halála után szeptember 30-án érkezett meg Isztambulba. December 18-án jelentette azt a Velencei követ, hogy Hafsa szultána is megérkezett Isztambulba, immáron teljesen szabad asszonyként. A több mint két hónapos késéssel is még megelőzte Szulejmán háremének többi tagját, ugyanis Isztambulba érkezve az volt az első feladata, hogy átvegye a Régi Palota irányítását és mindent előkészítsen Szulejmán háremének fogadására. 

Minden bizonnyal anyja nagyban hozzájárult Szulejmán korai cselekedeteihez, imázs építéséhez. Szulejmán trónralépése után hamarosan igyekezett megmutatni, hogy nem olyan, mint az apja, nem kegyetlen. Ennek bizonyítására például szabadonbocsátott 600 egyiptomi rabszolgát, akiket apja ejtett fogságba. 

Hafsa igen jó lelkű asszony volt, amiért a nép nagyon kedvelte. Nem csak családja irányába mutatta ki törődését, de sok esetben még a alattvalók irányába is. Ismert egy eset, amikor a néha Szelim egyik hű pasája, Egyiptom kormányzója elhunyt – már Szulejmán uralkodása alatt –, özvegye levelet írt Hafsának, hogy mennyire egyedül érzi magát Egyiptomban, akkor Hafsa a nőt Isztambulba hozatta saját költségén és gondoskodott róla a továbbiakban. Nyugodt természetét jelzi, hogy képes volt rendet tartani a fia háremében és megakadályozni, hogy a Hürrem és Mahidevran között egyre növekvő feszültség kipattanjon. A leírások szerint elkötelezett volt fia iránt, és mindig annak érdekeit tartotta szem előtt, így a valóságban egyáltalán nem volt fia szerelme, Hürrem ellen. Sőt, források szerint a két nő kedvelte is egymást. Hürrem kapcsán érdemes megemlíteni, hogy első gyermeke születésekor Szulejmán nem tartózkodott a fővárosban, így meglehet, hogy Hafsa nevezte el őt a család fejeként. 

Validesége alatt – különösen fia távollétében – nagyon komoly feladatokat kellett ellátnia. Igyekezett fiát a fronton is támogatni és tanácsokkal ellátni, rengeteg levelet küldött neki. Sosem akarta befolyásolni gyermekét inkább igyekezett támogatni, meghallgatni és utat mutatni neki. Egyetlen kivétel volt, amikor megpróbálta a birodalom érdekei helyett a családja érdekeiben befolyásolni Szulejmánt. Szulejmán egyik vezíre, Ferhad pasa sorra követett el hibákat, amelyekért Szulejmán meg akarta őt büntetni. Hafsa azonban szembe szállt fiával és meggyőzte, hogy adjon újabb esélyt Ferhadnak, hiszen a pasa Beyhan szultána férje és gyermekeinek apja volt. Szulejmán végül nem szívesen, de engedett anyja akaratának. Ferhad azonban továbbra sem változtatott, így 1524-ben már Hafsa sem tudta őt megmenteni a kivégzéstől. A kivégzés körülményeit taglaló írásokból egy törődő anya képe rajzolódik ki előttünk Hafsáról. Az események során küzdött benne az édesanya, aki lányát vigasztalná és támogatná és a valide szultána, aki tudta, hogy fia helyesen járt el. Hafsa többször megosztotta aggodalmát Beyhanról és annak gyermekeiről. Kétségkívül szerette volna – a szokásokhoz híven – maga mellé venni Behyant és unokáit, azonban Beyhan önkéntes száműzetésbe vonult gyermekeivel együtt. Amennyiben Hafsa volt ténylegesen Beyhan édesanyja, ez biztosan élete végéig nagyon fájt anya szívének. 

1526-ban írta róla a Velencei követ – feltehetőleg egy lefizetett hárem szolga szavaira alapozva –, hogy „gyönyörű asszony 48 éves korában is, aki iránt a szultán végtelen szeretettel és tisztelettel viseltetik”. Szeretetét Szulejmán igyekezett azzal is kifejezni, hogy a Topkapi Palota háremét szinte trónra lépésre után azonnal elkezdte felújítani, hogy édesanyjának legyen ott lakrésze. Valószínűleg Szulejmán azért szerette volna áthelyeztetni a hárem fő részét a Topkapiba, mert igen családcentrikus ember volt és szerette volna anyját, szerelmét és gyermekeit a közvetlen közelében tudni.

Halála és hagyatéka

A Topkapi Palota háreme 1534-re készült el, azonban Hafsa már nem költözhetett be. Nem tudni, hogy láthatta e egyáltalán az új háremet, vagy már olyan állapotban volt, hogy nem hagyhatta el egyáltalán a Régi Palotát. Mindenesetre 1534. március 19-én Hafsa szultána elhunyt. Kora ekkor feltehetőleg valamivel több lehetett, mint a Velencei követ által sugallt kor (56) és inkább hatvanas évei elején járhatott. Halálának oka ismeretlen, feltehetőleg nem járvány okozta, hanem időskorhoz kapcsolódó betegség. 

Halála után az egész birodalom gyászba borult, hiszen mindenki nagyon szerette őt. Szulejmán pedig elvesztette legnagyobb és legőszintébb támogatóját. Hogy kifejezze anyja iránti tiszteletét, a hagyományoktól eltérően apja komplexumában helyezte végső nyugalomra, egy különálló türbébe, birodalmi temetés után. A temetését leíró Celalzade Mustafa serint nagyon hosszú imákkal búcsúztatták, amelyben a legtiszteltebb muszlim asszonyokhoz tették őt hasonlatossá, mint például Mohamed próféta első felesége Hatice, leánya Fatma és harmadik, egyben kedvenc felesége Ayşe: „Nagyon vallásos asszony volt, az igazlelkű cselekedetek asszonya, a tisztaság királynője, korának Haticéje; jótékony intézetek alapítója, korának Fatmája és Ayşéje.”

Hafsa volt az első ágyas, aki birodalmi mecsetet építtethetett. Komplexuma Manisában található, 1522-ben készült el és mecsetje melett tartalmaz többek között iskolát, kórházat, fürdőt is.

[van-dyne]

Hey! I've never posted on tumblr before and don't really know how this works but I've been following you blog for ages and after I watched engame you were the first place I came to find some fucking solace and community. What is the point in Marvel without Tony Stark? Two part (?) rant coming next.

Black Widow. Always had mixed feelings about her in general (but will never hold her character accountable instead of the men who wrote her) but her death?? They fridged her!? When Thanos killed Gamora he killed the only person he ever loved (letting that abuse go *for the moment*). But Hawkeye had a whole family to love whereas Natasha bargained the whole world for Clint when she talked to Loki in the first Avengers (Regimes fall every day. I tend not to weep over that, I’m Russian). It is fucking treason that she wasn’t in the Marvel Ladies Lineup. Sorry, fuck it, (3/3) Even if we can get her back by returning the soul stone because sould for a soul, we as a society don’t get that moment in time back. “She’s not alone” was HER line in Infinity War!!!Fuck, I’m so sorry, I drank coffee to stay up for endgame and I’m wired. (4/4) If we switched Clint and Natasha then Black Widow would have been the obvious and only choice to return all the stones to their timelines because she is a spy. This is literally what she is made for. Then no Captain America grows old fuckery. Then when she returned the soul stone, they could have gotten Clint back and then triumphant returns!

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Sorry it took me awhile!! BUT I FEEL YOU!!! what’s the point anymore, there isn’t one for me, I’m just numb and indifferent at this point, I’ll keep the love alive for Tony and Tony only. I just pray they never touch my Pepper and Morgan and ruin what we have left of their characters like they will always do, they took everything I love from us Iron fam, the least they could do is to leave them alone and respect the memories, Favreau is the only director I trust to do the iron fam right. All others are just gonna take advantage of how much emotion they can drive from the audience, so no thanks. 

And Re: Natatsha, I am forever upset that she’s not in the line up too, like she’s the one who enables this to happen, but she isn’t there, it’s a criminal offence I just so upset for her!!! And she died alone in a foreign icy cold planet!!! Only the Avengers know and remember her, and now one’s also dead, one fuck off to the past, and one’s off world, only Clint and Bruce on Earth know what happened, the world knows about Iron Man but not many know about Natasha Romanoff. She’s the unsung hero and we can’t forget her!!! Her purpose of that five years is to bring everyone’s back, compare to other Avengers, and forgive me for saying that, people who’s been lost to Thanos aren’t really that personally for Nat, the Avengers are her family and most of them are still here, but she’s the one who’s been trying the hardest to bring everyone back, because she wants to see them happy and reunite with their love ones, because she loves them. I’ve said it before, Tony and Natasha are like the father and mother of the Avengers, and it just hits me how fitting that is regarding their role and motivation in Endgame. Natasha is the mother who sacrifices herself to for her children happiness, and Tony is the father who sacrifices himself for the future of his children. 

This notion of ‘They deserve better’ hangs around their deaths and won’t be dismissed because they’re the most selfless heroes and we can’t help but feel, of everyone, they should have earned their happy endings. Like the whole movie, the way they write it, it’s set to kill Nat and Tony off, they quarantine them into a situation where there’s no other more suitable way but to sacrifice themselves, like sending her and Clint to Volmir to get the soul stone, of course Nat is gonna jump to sacrifice herself because of how much she loves Clint and wants the best for him, he is her family so there’s no doubt that she’s gonna give up her own life for him, that’s who Nat is, and she will always win the fight against Clint because she is more stubborn. And same for Tony’s death, of course no one would thought to use the stones and when Tony has the chance, he doesn’t even hesitate to use it and end it once and for all for everyone, that’s who he is, he really actually would do whatever it takes to protect the Earth, the universe, because the people he loves are living in it. The decisions they make in the movie are in-character, but I always want to ask why do the writers have to write them into position like that, why is the plot just revolves around the idea of using the stones to unsnap what Thanos has snapped, a redo of Infinity War that involves time travel, like it’s so basic, I honestly had expected more intricate and creative way to resolve this problem idk?? Going back to Volmir and sacrificing a soul for a soul again is honestly so I’ve seen that before, the performance is heartbreaking yes, but the creative decision is so disappointing. I truly believed they would surprise me in ways I’ve never thought of to solve this problem, but instead they surprise me by killing the one character who’s been paving way to retirement, ripping him off his well deserved happiness for a traumatic experience audience will not forget. what epic masterpiece right! 

[hopequeenbeee]

rant part 5

and now after all the screaming and fangirling let's be serious... atiny i am so proud you have no idea, they have grown so much, do you remember pirate king era?, they were so small, and now look at them being the fine man they are, if i think about it i get emotional, they are so beautiful both inside and out, they have this huge sensibility and cultural baggage, they have a vast variety of musical knowledge, they have this special way of delivering music that Always turns me into a proud mom, i don't know how to explain it but if you're an atiny you know what i'm talking about, they are so Young yet so talented and mature, their way of thinking is Amazing, their music is Always conforting, it really feels that atiny are their travel friends, they take you to a journey, taking you by the hand and leading you, i appreciate this fact so much, this is why i esteem them, sogns like my way, aurora or light are what makes me attached to them emotionally and is beautiful, i would like to thank KQ for these boys and i would like to thank Hongjoong that like a true captain takes care of us and leads to both a beautiful adventure and a safe place, thank you Joong for being an anchor, it's an Honor to be an atiny, i'll keep following yall till the end, i truly enjoy staying by your side, i could go on forever talking about the beautiful and bright sould you are, in that small bosy there is so much strenght, beauty, wisdom, warmth, this man could move mountains, rock the Whole universe, can i say that you are the best captain ever?, you are!, i am going to end this here, thank you to my beautiful 8 boys for delivering an awesome album again, i love you!

[awed-frog]

hiya *waves* ... a couple days ago you had a post about death--about living well? The oldest living generation in my family have started dying. (It feels so odd to say it like that. but.) It feels like my family is stuck in endless loops of grief. Do you have any advice for making the sadness a little easier to bear? Thank you very much for your time.

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know exactly what it’s like, because my family is 90% old or oldish people, and it’s so damn hard, isn’t it? Thank you for trusting me to give you advice on this - here is my best attempt at an answer on this complicated topic.

Some say we now find it harder to bear death because we’re not used to it anymore. Very few of us kill our own food, child mortality is exceedingly rare (in luckier countries, that is) and old age is generally disguised, disregarded and hidden away as much as possible. Even funerals, which used to be held in the family home, have become a business (I think around the late nineteenth century, which makes it a very recent development): nowadays, dead people are ferreted away, washed by professionals, dolled up, even pumped full of questionable chemicals so they’ll look ‘healthy’, ‘serene’, and ‘at peace’. I know people who prevent children from visiting older relatives and seeing them after their death, and even going to the funeral, because ‘it’s too much for them’.

(I disagree, by the way. I think it’s good to show children everyone’s different and getting old is a thing, and it’s better to give them a chance to say goodbye, to understand a loved one is truly gone, so they can process it and ask questions about it. Some of my younger students were left traumatized by hidden deaths in the family, and it was heartwrenching to watch.)

I think there’s some truth in all that; but on the other hand, I also see this idea of ‘people getting used to death because shorter life span’ as a bit of a myth. If you read letters from Antiquity, or go through tombstone inscriptions, you find a lot of people ravaged by grief. The fact it was common to lose children and spouses didn’t make it particularly easier to bear.

I don’t know that I can answer your question with anything worth hearing or sharing, because I haven’t found a good way to deal with grief myself. There are days I can be okay with it, and I’m happy and grateful for the time I had with my loved ones, and can imagine they’ll never be truly gone (I’m not sure that I believe in Paradise, but I like the idea that the matter making up our bodies simply goes on to become something else: the old wisdom vita mutatur, non tollitur readapted for the age of science, if you will), and then sometimes it all seems pointless, and pointlessly sad.

What I learned, however, is most of our sufferings come from one thing: we find it very hard to accept change. 

Poet  and historian Hillel Schwartz once said the biggest challenge when facing old age, a life-threatening illness or a sudden disability is not the practical side of it (for instance, that you can’t walk anymore), but the certainty that without this specific thing you can no longer do, you’re no longer yourself. He encourages people to find their sense of self in more profound things, because most of us build it by relying on stuff that’s not permanent and can disappear at any moment (our family, our job, our favourite sport or hobby). I heard him speak two years ago, but I still think about that regularly, because it’s hard, isn’t it, to know who you are without these external supports we take for granted in our daily life (walking, running, a salary, a mother and father, your best friend)? 

And I think the same is true for grief. When you grieve for someone, your grieve for two lives lost: your loved one’s, and your own. You grieve because the person you were with them no longer exist. You’ll never again be someone’s grandchild. That’s gone forever. That side of your personality you only shared with this person, the inside jokes, the quiet moments of affections, the secrets you kept for them or they kept for you - that’s finished. A piece of your sould that’s just missing. And my best guess here is that, like Hillel Scwhartz said, you need to accept you can function as yourself without that relationship in your life - which takes time, of course, and it’s easier said than done.

We know Japanese noblemen cultivated this quest of your deepest, most intimate and essential self by doing three things, which I think we can all practice to try and overcome our saddest moments.

First of all, there are the famous reflections on the worst case scenario. Nobody wants to think about their own death, or your loved one’s death, or other traumatic events like a severe illness, losing your job or your home, but there’s a theory that by staving off those thoughts, what happens is that you’ll be even more afraid of them (because ignorance breeds fear) and completely unprepared when the thing actually comes. That’s why samurais thought about their own deaths a lot, and research shows that being prepared - for anything, and especially for the worst - is a very good way to reduce anxiety and unhappiness. It’s particularly good to gently encourage ageing relatives to make plans for their future lives on living arrangements, medical care and so on.

Meditation is another good way to force the mind to be still and be more present and more aware of why you think and feel the way you do, and it’s also been proven to have health benefits. Plus, as a Zen abbot told me, when you sit in meditation for a long time, you ultimately start to realize all things are equal - that you’re not ‘wasting time’ by doing that, because objective reality is an illusion, and things only assume meaning depending on your attachment to them. 

Finally, something I like about Japanese and other Eastern cultures is that they are quite happy to celebrate impermanence. In Japan, you get an entire nation obsessing over cherry blossoms - a phenomenon that only lasts a few days; in the Himalayas, monks spend a ridiculous amount of time creating intricate sand mandalas, which will then be destroyed. In the West, we take a completely opposite view, and that’s one reason why we’re such hoarders and we give such special meaning to old movie ticket stubs, clothes we no longer wear, and hideous childhood crafts everybody’s secretly ashamed of.

(Also feelings of hurt and resentment which can dog us for years, even after the person we’re angry with is long dead.)

All of those techniques will hopefully lead to a quieter, calmer mind, which still experiences feelings but is not dominated by them. A concept we tend to associate with Buddhism, but that’s actually hailed as as the recipe to happiness in many cultures (through independent philosophical thinking or cross-contamination? that, I don’t know).

When you manage to overcome your own mind, you overcome myriad concerns, rise above all things, and are free. When you are overcome by your own mind, you are burdened by myriad concerns, subordinate to things, unable to rise above. Mind your mind; guard it resolutely. Since it is the mind that confuses the mind, don’t let your mind give in to your mind. (Suzuki Shosan, 1579-1655) 

I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free. (Nikos Kazantzakis, 1923)

The bitter truth about being mortal and self-aware is that saying goodbye to an old, beloved relative is not only part of life: it’s the best option for everyone involved. Living to eighty or ninety, having the opportunity, the time and the emotional skill to forge deep bonds of affection with those around you - that’s something we can all aspire to. But in order to fully understand and accept that, we need to reverse our traditional way of thinking.

Becoming more mindful and more tolerant of impermanence is a long journey, but I honestly believe it leads to a better life. I think the best thing you can do now, and what I’m trying to do myself, is to be there for your older relatives and deepen that connection, while also focusing on the life they will not see: you as an adult, as a parent perhaps, as an older person. Nurture your mind and soul, be curious, be passionate, be patient. Enjoy the present without fretting about the future or regretting the past. Breathe.

(Oh - and here is my favourite poem about grief - I find it helps.)