#a mix of stamp and max?

[81folklore]

i can do it with a broken heart - f1 grid

parings: gn!driver!reader x platonic!f1!grid x ex!jacob elordi

summary: after yn and their ex break up, they carry on as best they can and no one had any idea how bad they were struggling

type: social media au (smau)

notes: george is in this but he does not drive for mercedes, yn does. i also used a mixture of fem and masc pictures because i couldnt decide and thought you could just imagine whatever you wish!!

notes 2: probably the longest fic ive done so far but im pretty proud of it. the time stamps above each section are semi important so i would keep an eye on them!! also i know ive been gone for so long but i do not promise ill be back. alsoooo i know i only included a bit of the grid but i kept getting distracted and then couldn’t figure out how to include everyone!!

masterlist

march 2024

twitter

charles oh my god i cant believe my cat is finally the pfp

i have been waiting for YEARS

max yes well you better enjoy it because it’ll change soon and you’ll be back to waiting again.

lando jesus max do you have to use punctuation???

alex be glad he doesnt use captials

oscar one thing at a time lando, we dont want to scare him

max ???

lando anyway

yn mate you ok?

yourname im fine? ur scaring me you never ask how i am

lando yeah but usually your not single

lewis oh no! you and jacob split?

yourname yeah, wasnt working anymore

charles ah im sorry, that must suck😣

yourname i mean it does but its been coming for a long time so its not surprising

fernando hello! yn what is wrong? you always use emotes!

yourname theyre emojis nando, and im fine just a bit lost

fernando do not worry, i will come and find you!

yourname no, i dont mean literally just..we were together for so long i dont really know what to do now you know?

lando i get it, you wanna play tarkov with me???

yourname cheers ill get on now

george let us know if you need anything!

may 2024

yourusername

liked by mercedesamgf1, lewishamilton and 814,583 others

p✌️ was just what we needed this weekend!

thank you to everyone who came out and supported myself and the team and huge thank you to the team for working so hard all weekend⭐️

view comments

mercedesamgf1 mega job this weekend yn👊 *liked by author*

landonorris nice to share the podium with you mate

yourusername same time next race?

user33 loved seeing you back on the podium

user2 absolutely smashing it this season

user21 more podiums please🤲 *liked by author*

user3 fourth podium of the year first p✌️*liked by author*

twitter

*pretend it says after march i changed dates around last min*

august 2024

yourusername

liked by lukehemmings, charles_leclerc and 1,124,642 others

did some reading, painting and writing

baked some good food and spent time with some good people, also got a cat…not bad for summer break☀️

view comments

user66 AHHHHHH

yourusername ahhhhhhh

user26 cats name plsplspls

yourusername norman🐱

lukehemmings nice music👍

yourusername woah arent you the guy who wrote mum?!

mercedesamgf1 ready to see you back on the podium

yourusername always!!!!

user74 have you had funnnn??

yourusername yesss!! ive been doing lots of things i enjoy, basically treating every day as my birthday😋

twitter

*was supposed to write them instead of her sorry!! was doing two stories at once and kept getting mixed up😅*

october 2024

yourusername

liked by mercedesamgf1, gracieabrams and 1,291,638 others

p☝️ for the 3rd time this season, very very pleased

huuuuuge thank you to the team, every single one of you who worked tirelessly over the summer break and every moment since then, these have been for you⭐️

view comments

user55 what a good season to be a yn fan *liked by author*

user6 these races have been incredible to watch, so proud

yourusername ⭐️⭐️

gracieabrams woop woop!!!!

yourusername 😝😝

user2 gracie??

user41 why have we not had any personal photo dumps yet😕😕

user88 right we miss seeing you yn!!

yourusername sorry guys😣ive been suuuper busy working on something i just honestly forgot

user41 NEW PROJECT?? WHEN?? (also pls dont feel bad we love u)

yourusername soon!! (and i love u guys too)

twitter

november 2024

yourusername

liked by taylorswift, lewishamilton and 3,689,921 others

tagged: taylorswift

i cannot believe i get to say this, but my new friend taylor just released a new album and i was able to write a song on the album

im honestly not sure how this came about but i had so much fun writing this and expressing all my thoughts and feelings in a way ive never done before

i poured my life and soul into this song and im so glad taylor is the one who is singing it and really bought it to life

send some love to my friend and go and stream THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT (most importantly i can do it with a broken heart😉)

comments have been limited

taylorswift thank you for trusting me with this song, so much love🤍

yourusername NO THANK YOU!!! i will be forever grateful⭐️⭐️

twitter

yourusername added to their story

seen by taylorswift, lewishamilton and 729,282 others

charles i feel completely betrayed yn

fernando oh no😟! what did yn do?

charles THEY DIDNT TELL ME THEY WERE WRITING A SONG??

AND WITH TAYLOR SWIFT HOW COULD YOU☹️☹️

yourname sorry charles, surprise?!

charles ill forgive you because its a good song

yourname thank you my life just got infinitely better!

yuki very good song yn! has been on repeat☺️

yourname thanks yuki, glad you like it!!

lando I LOVE IT TOO

but seriously are you ok?!

yourname yeahhh im better now

was just a lot to navigate

lewis glad you found an outlet! but remember you can always talk to any of us

yourname i know and i appreciate it, i really do

alex yn was that twitter thread right?

yourname mate youre going to have to elaborate

alex user56tweetlink

yourname oh pretty much yeah

some things were changed with taylor but not much

fernando just listened to the song yn! very nice👍well done!

yourname thank uu

max good song yn!

now

lando can you please tell me what you meant on your twitch stream!

oscar max is kind of scary

max dont make me talk about that interview next oscar!

[alcordraws]

The thing is I love both max vash's big beautiful white leafy angel wings AND stamp vash's big glowy roots and flowers goop demon wings so it's always a struggle deciding which to draw when mixing the designs together

[joemomrgneissguy]

Yuanxiao

The following is a recipe as presented in Tasting History by Max Miller. If you enjoy it, I would highly encourage checking out the Tasting History youtube channel or buy the Tasting History cookbook.

From History The cooking method uses glutinous rice that has been ground into a fine powder. Inside the wrapper the filling comprises the flesh of walnuts and white sugar. Water is sprinkled on the filling and the balls are rolled around in flour to form them. They are as big as walnuts. This is the same as what the people of the Jiangnan region call tagyuan -Liu Ruoyu, Zhuo zhong zhi (translated by Roy Chan)

"Yuanxiao is a ball of glutinous rice stuffed with a sweet walnut filling, but it's the source of this seventeenth-century recipe, the Zhuo zhong zhi by Liu Ruoyu, that has a story worth telling.

The Ming Court, under the teenage Tianqi Emperor, was run by a powerful and scheming eunuch named Wei Zhongxian. Powerful and scheming eunuchs were actually quite the trend in Imperial China, but none were as formidable as Wei. He, along with the emperor's nurse, Madame Ke, removed all others who held power over the emperor. Some were banished, some starved to death, and others were forced to commit suicide. The pair kept the young emperor ignorant of the goings-on in his empire while they ran the government.

During Wei's reign of terror, a young eunuch named Liu distinguished himself as an excellent calligrapher, an uncommon skill among the eunuchs of the Forbidden City. His work caught the jealous eye of the illiterate Wei Zhongxian, who, unfriendly to any he believed smart enough to challenge his power, demoted the young scribe to work in the stables. Liu toiled there for several years and added the moniker Ruoyu, which meant "the dumb," to his name to remind himself that feigning stupidity might serve him better in the Wei regime.

But the powerful eunuch eventually found a use for Liu Ruoyu's talent: forgery. Wei had procured a number of blank documents already stamped with the emperor's seal. All he required to govern with impunity was for someone to fill the documents with whatever decrees he wished. Liu was just the man for the job.

The scheme did not last long though, for when the Tianqi Emperor died at the age of twenty-one his younger brother, Zhu Youjian, came to power as the Chongzhen Emperor. Though only sixteen, Zhu had not yet fallen under Wei Zhongxian's influence, and the new emperor banished the troublesome eunuch, executed Madame Ke, and imprisoned any who had helped Wei, including Liu Ruoyu. While in prison, Liu wrote the Zhuo zhong zhi, part protestation of his innocence and part treatise on daily life in the Forbidden City. His writings included a number of recipes, such as this one for Yuanxiao."

Modern Recipe

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups (140g) whole shelled, raw, unsalted walnuts

1/2 cup (100g) granulated sugar

4 tablespoons (57g) unsalted butter, melted

2 cups (225 g) glutinous rice flour (sweet rice flour)

Makes 16 Yuanxiao

Cook time: 2 hours 15 minutes

Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the walnuts to the pan in a single layer. Heat them, stirring frequently, until lightly browned, about 5 minutes. Once the walnuts are toasted, remove them from the pan and set aside on a plate to cool, about 10 minutes. Once they are cool, crush the walnuts by hand or in a food processor, until they become almost a coarse flour.

Mix the crushed walnuts, sugar, and butter in a bowl until combined. Chill the mixture in the refrigerator for 1 hour.

Remove the mixture from the refrigerator and divide it into 16 portions. Using clean hands, roll each portion into a ball and set aside.

Fill a large bowl three-quarters full with cold water. In another large bowl, add the glutinous rice flour. Working in batches of 3 or 4 balls at a time, roll the balls in the flour until covered. Put the balls in a fine-mesh strainer. Dip the strainer with the balls briefly in the water, then return to the flour and roll again, coating completely. Repeat this process 7 to 10 times, or until there is no visible filling. Repeat the process until all the balls are coated. note that cracks may appear in the coating, but as long as the filling is not visible, that is okay.

Fill a large pot half full of water and set it over high heat. Bring the water to a boil. Working in batches, boil 3 or 4 balls until they float to the top, 2 to 3 minutes. Note that the balls will expand, so leave plenty of room in the pot. Once the balls have floated to the top, add a cup of cold water. The balls should sink a bit. Adding cold water will stop the boiling and allow a skin to form on the balls. Allow the water to return to a boil and wait until the balls float again. Remove the balls and set aside. Bring the water back to a boil and repeat the steps with the remaining balls until finished. Serve warm.

[f1bordeaux]

An Verstappen one with “Did you ever really care about me?” and “Please stay.” Thank you

If You Cared (Part 1) | mv1

It's been years since you've indulged in a vacation. What better time is there than summer? Your family, the beach house in Italy-it seems perfect. But, for things to be just like good old times, your family needs to invite his. So of course you are having mixed feelings as the boy who broke your heart re-enters your life like nothing happened. Warnings: None Pairing: Max Verstappen x Reader Word count: 2.1k Poetry style | Story style A/n: Hello! This story came to me as soon as I saw this request. I got so many ideas and I'm actually super excited to keep writing this. There will be more parts to follow, so keep a look out. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy! Part One|Part Two|Part Three|Part Four|Part Five

You always longed for the familiarity of summer.

It was by far your favorite season. Something about the warmth, the life, the atmosphere, the memories-something about it all brought you comfort. You were head over heels in love with summer. Or perhaps it was just more exciting this year knowing that you would go on a real vacation for the first time in a long while. “Let’s visit the beach house this year,” your mom had suggested. “Sure there is probably some dust in the corners, but it’s nothing we can't sweep off.”

When thinking of summer memories, the beach house in Elba, Italy, was the primary setting for all of them. From the time you were born until the time you moved out, your family would spend a handful of weeks there, drinking up the sun and inviting friends to visit. You learnt to swim in the pool behind the summer house. You learnt to cook in the kitchen of the summer house. You had your first kiss in the living room of the summer house. Right, that. Something you preferred not to think or talk about.

“Mom!” you wrapped her in a hug the second you could. After moving away from home to pursue work, you rarely saw her in person. You rarely had time to cook yourself dinner let alone come home. It would be nice to get away for a month-just you, your mom, your dad, your brother and sister and the Italian shores of Elba.

“How was your flight, my baby?” She asked, pulling your backpack from off your shoulders.

“Which one? The one from New York to Florence or the one from Florence to Elba?” As a child you always made a fuss about how secluded Elba was. It’s a small, mountainous island off the west coast. A small airport, no larger than the biggest grocery store in town, was all they had to offer. They didn’t take commercial flights from New York. Nope, you had to get on a small, ten person airplane with five other people and fly over that way. It was nostalgic, truly.

Your mom rolled her eyes. “Still dramatic as ever.”

You shrugged, a smile stamped on your face. “What can I say?”

“Let's go, your dad is at home making dinner. It should be ready when we arrive.”

Your heart felt so full, so satisfied. You felt like a child again, like a little girl viewing the world from innocent eyes. Your mom was carrying your backpack, your dad was making dinner. You wondered if they’d offer to tuck you in at night. This is what you needed the most, and you didn’t even realize it until you were in the passenger seat of your mom’s rental car, watching the coast of the island roll by in the dimming sun. New York was busy. It was loud and dirty. Elba was quiet. It was beautiful and clean.

This summer, you told yourself. I’m not going to have a single worry, not a single care in the world.

“The Verstappen’s are coming by next week.”

You almost choked on your food. “What did he just say?” Dinner on the patio was already off to a ravishing start.

You don't notice it-too busy dabbing the corner of your mouth with a napkin-but your mother swatted at your brother who held a smirk on his lips. He knew it would bother you and he also knew that mom hadn’t told you yet. He loved being the bearer of bad news. He loved pestering his older sister.

“You know, Max’s family?” He pushed on. “The boy who left you for cars-”

“Luca.” Your mom cut him off. “Enough.”

Silence hung over the table like it was a light fixture. Your dad and sister said nothing and you knew it was because those two were in favor of the Verstappen’s coming to stay. Hell, your dad was probably the one to extend the invitation. You knew your sister would back him up because she loved Victoria-the younger sibling of the two Verstappen children. Your brother obviously didn’t care. He idolized Max and his racing. It seemed like your mother was the only one on your side.

“Was nobody going to tell me until Max knocked on our front door one day?” You asked, cutting at the food on your plate.

“Max probably won't even be able to make it,” your mother tries to reassure you. “The only ones who have confirmed it are Sophie and Victoria. Ooh-Victoria is bringing the babies so that should be fun-”

“Are you just trying to calm me down, mom?” Again, the silence made itself known. You spoke first, shaking your head with an upside down smile. “You know what? I don’t care. Max or not, I’m here to have a good summer. No childhood crush or-”

“Childhood boyfriend who broke your heart.” Your brother corrected you. You kicked him from under the table, exerting an ouch from him.

“No childhood drama is going to interfere.” You finished.

“She's gone crazy.” Your sister whispered to your dad. You kicked her too.

“I’m going to have a good summer. Nobody will ruin that for me.”

And in the beginning, you did have a good summer. You spent your first full day in Elba catching up on jet lag. When you finally decided to roll out of bed at two pm, you went to the beach with your sister. The two of you had a chance to catch up, sitting on the sand with a small array of fruits to eat while you spoke. The weather was perfect, the ocean was calming, and you were reminded of how much you loved your younger sister.

“What did you do for the big twenty-two?” You asked, referencing her birthday that had preceded about three weeks prior.

She shook her hand, the grapes in her palm shifting. She picked out a bruised one, adding it to a small pile of other undesirable fruits. “Went out with some friends. I had an exam due that day though, so most of it was spent in my room working on that.”

College. Something you tried your hardest to avoid. All was futile, though. After only a few weeks in New York you realized you’d need it. “Sounds fun. Were you mad you had to leave all your friends for the summer?”

“No,” She popped a grape in her mouth. “I was excited to come back to the beach house.”

“Me too.”

“Can I start a conversation without you getting mad at me, y/n?”

You sighed. “If you start by saying that, then no.”

“How are you going to react if Max really does show up on Monday?”

It was your turn to search through the handful of strawberries you had. One strawberry had a large hole. The rest looked fine, you thought. Max. Right, that's where the conversation was. Max Verstappen. Your first crush, your first kiss, your first-boyfriend? Was it ever that? Really, you didn’t know what it was and what it wasn’t. He was Max, and you were y/n. That was all the facts you knew surrounding the two of you.

“I’ll be nice. I have no reason not to be.” You finally responded.

Your sister peeled her sunglasses off her face. She looked at you amusingly through her brow. “No reason? Really?”

A shrug lifted your shoulders. “What? Max and I were never dating.”

“Sixteen-year-old you would say otherwise.”

“Sixteen year old me was delusional.” You looked at the ocean in front of you. You were just a delusional child, right? Max was your first kiss. Max was your biggest crush. Max did break your heart. It’s pretty damn hard to break someone's heart when you’re not together, no? “I don’t care about Max anymore. If he comes, he comes. If he doesn’t? Then so be it. I really don't care, Mia.”

“Alright,” She said dismissively. “I guess we’ll find out.”

The two of you wouldn’t find out for another five days. During your time-waiting for the possible arrival of Max and his mom and sister-you explored the city, you occupied the beaches, you read some books, you went out on the boat with your brother and dad. Life was calm. There were no obligations you had to fill, no tasks at hand, no work to be done. It was you, the Italian sun, the ocean and the breeze. You seriously considered moving there. Mom would let you have the beach house, right? How could she say no to the oldest?

All was good. All was calm.

“Max is here, y/n!” Luca swung open the patio door, yelling at you with a smirk. You were lying on a lounge chair next to your sister-the both of you only wearing swimsuits as you tried to tan. “He’s a fine specimen.”

You picked up your hat from the ground and threw it at your teenage brother. “Fuck off, Luca.”

“I’m serious! Max, Victoria and Sophie are here.”

You looked over at your sister. “Go inspect.” You instructed her.

She groaned, standing up from her chair and wandering inside, not before slapping Luca on the back of the head, however. The two of them shut the door, a waft of cold air swiping across your body before disappearing. There was soft music playing from a speaker near the pool. If a car pulled up, you wouldn’t have been able to hear it. Maybe they were here, but was Max seriously with them? Did you want him here? Would it actually be easier without him here or did you want some fun this summer? Did drama entertain you? Maybe you just wanted something nice to look at while you were here.

The back door slid open. You were lying face down, the sun warming your back. You didn’t bother looking up, assuming it was Mia coming to deliver the news to you. It would be better if she didn’t see your face while telling you. Maybe you would be disappointed at the answer-whatever it may be. “Well? Is he here?” You asked, voice muffled by the lounge chair.

“Is this your hat?”

You looked up so quickly that you pulled a muscle in your neck. “Fuck.” You whispered to yourself, rubbing your fingers over the pain. Did you curse to yourself because Max was standing right infront of you, your ball cap balancing off his index finger, or because of the pain? Both, you decided. It was for both reasons.

“I’ll leave it,” He set it on the table next to you. “Here.”

“Thanks.” You readjusted yourself, sitting up on the edge of the chair. He definitely got a much better view of you than he was hoping for. You were older now, almost by ten years. Sixteen year old you and twenty five year old you looked a lot different. He figured that out pretty quick.

“Good to see you, y/n.” He smiled before turning on his heel to go back inside. His back was broad, his shoulders looked stiff. He had some stubble, but it suited him. He looked-good? No. Stop thinking like that. He probably had a girlfriend or something. He was a rich, famous, Formula One driver. No way he was single walking around looking like that.

“Right.” Nobody was around to hear you say it. So, nobody was around to hear you follow it up with, “What the fuck.”

Hesitantly, you picked up your ball cap, slipping your ponytail through the back. You walked inside, scanning the room before making any more steps forward. Mia and Victoria were in the living room. Sure enough, Victoria had brought her two children and husband. Mia was emitting plenty of ‘aww’s’ and ‘that is so cute’s’. Max was bringing luggage in through the front door. Great, they're planning on staying. Your brother shot you a smirk from where he sat at the kitchen bar. Told ya’ so.

“Max, how’d you manage time off from F1?” Your mother asked.

“It’s summer break,” He said matter-of-factly. “I don’t race again until late August.”

“So you’ll be here for the three weeks you mother and sister will be?”

Please say no, please say no, please say- “I plan to, yes.”

The sliding door snaps behind you as you let go of it. Everyone turns to look at your bikini clad figure. Victoria exchanges a concerning glance with your sister. Victoria’s husband looks at her, confused as to why there is such a thick tension in the air.

“Y/n, go shower and get dressed, we’re all going to dinner in a bit.” Your mother said, her lips pressing into a thin smile.

“Right.” You said, weaving past all the bodies. “I’ll go do that.”

Oh what a summer this was playing out to be.

[truly-sincerely]

Alex Rider S3 timeline

Season 1 Timeline | Misc Timeline Notes

Some facts:

For time of year we know s3 takes place in the winter, based on dialogue from Blunt and Smithers

The trees in the background during establishing shots are just as unreliable as in s2 but during actor shots they're a mix of green and barren (most notably the cherry tree in front of the Rider house), implying late winter, probably February.

I don't know anything about the British school system, but Tom mentions having taken his GCSEs in ep1 so they're presumably on holiday from whatever comes after that (sixth form? A levels? it's Maltese to me).

Now we look at the elephant in the room. John Rider:

There are two different timestamps on the recording of the bridge exchange. 06/01/2005 and 2005-05-21. Not sure what the discrepancy means but since the latter has to be May we can assume that the former is formatted for June (as opposed to January). Also, Alex wasn't born yet in January 2005.

Alex's birthday is 13 Feb, 2005 (according to a prop from s2ep8)

Julia says that Alex was six months old, but based on the time stamp he was closer to three months old (easy mistake)

John and Helen Rider's gravestone puts their deaths in 2006 and Julia says it took her six months to track them down after the bridge exchange, so that checks out

Now in the present Mrs Jones says that it's been 17 years since Scorpia was destroyed, which would make s3 take place in early 2023

Alex is about to or just turned 17 years old

And therefore he was 15 in s1 and s2

S3 takes place over the course of nine days, which I think we can all agree is absolutely ridiculous, but that's how it works out.

Day 1: Boat ride; find Julia Rothman's house; Kyra's soup accident

Day 2: Identify and research Julia; Museum art showing

Day 3: Scorpia sends threat to Kellner; Tom and Alex go to Julia's villa; Pritchard gets blown up; Alex sneaks into Consanto and it blows up too; Alex goes to Malagosto

Day 4: Scorpia kills the footballers; Tom and Kyra get arrested; Julia tells Alex about his dad getting killed on the bridge; and Yassen! Is here!

Day 5: The assault course and the water bottle; shooting challenge; getting beat up by the other trainees; Pritchard's funeral; Tom and Kyra trace the call to Malagosto and Nile tries to send them home; the incursion assessment

Day 6: Shinai (Bokken) 5 on 1; Department calls Scorpia back and Scorpia gives them three days; Kyra and Tom find Malagosto; Smithers and Crawley find Julia's litter; Syl graduates; Jack gets a delivery from Tom; Max Grendel gets Yassassinated

Day 7: Everyone gets back to London; Blunt asks the CIA for help; Alex and Yassen surveil Jones' flat; Jack, Kyra, and Tom go to the Department; Navy Seals raid Malagosto; Alex doesn't kill Jones and gets sent back to the Department

Day 8: Nile sets up in the big church; Crawley takes Alex home; Blunt and Julia do storytime for Alex and Yassen

Day 9: Alex goes back into the Department; MI5 try to take Alex; Alex calls Julia for a pickup; a bunch of people in Bath don't die; Blunt retires; Alex comes in and gets John's medals; Nile gets Yassassinated

[keelt9]

Chapter 11

Masterlist

The fog is heavy but the wind becomes stronger and the sunlight starts to appear clearly between the clouds.

“IT'S FREEZING!” Charlotte screams, rubbing her hands together after letting her bow in the ground. “Hug me!”

She crashed her body against mine taking all the air of me.

This is the third week we have been practicing outdoors, and the weather is the coldest in months, but as everyone knows the first qualification will be in the second week of January, the weather could be worse.

Two hours after Liam and Robert took mercy on us and drove back to the federation with hands cold, feet freezing. As we arrive Charlotte and the youngest boy run inside for something warm, making everyone laugh.

Inside the Christmas decorations were already set, and from time to time a Christmas song played. Our big tree has the classic ornaments, tiny arrows, bows and targets.

“10 minutes and we have some stretching exercises.” Robert announced.

“Y/N, hi…mhm, you have a visitor.” Carol, the receptionist told me as I reached the entrance reader.

“Oh, it must be the reporter.” Liam said. It's the third time we posted this interview for a mismatch of agendas.

“No, is…am, well is in Liam's office.” We look at each other and walk straight there.

In his office, Checo was sitting tapping his feets in the ground, he saw us and pressed his lips together with a smile. 

“Hi.” He raised his hand; Liam and I observed each other perplex.

“You don't have to.” Liam said before greeting him. 

After I opened the door the last time I saw Max, a representative of Red Bull was expecting to talk with him, without realizing helping me to end the conversation. 

I stopped answering his calls, just replied texts, the necessary ones.

“It's ok.” He nodded and said goodbye, unsure about leaving me alone. 

We remain in silence until I talk first. “It's an easier way, huh?” I refer to find myself in the federation.

Checo chuckles. “Violet refused to tell me your address.” 

“Coffee?” Checo shook his head. “Tea? Water? A Red Bull?” He laughs.

“I'm fine thanks, I just came to give you these.” He extends a small envelope. 

I take it and open it, the VIP pass for the paddock Abu Dhabi.

“I’ve known Max for years, he pretends to be fine, and maybe he is, still in the big picture something is off.” I close the envelope. “Two successful GP for him, but I don't know, he is expecting.”

I played with the small stamp. “We broke up, you know that, right?”

I choke my head but he giggles. “I don't intend to be Cupid or anything like that just…it would be nice having you there, at the end of the season.” 

My eyes narrow. “You'll be my <guest.>” He giggles. “He wouldn't know if it makes you feel comfortable, but yeah, you win a lot of hearts in the garage.”

Robert knocked the door and opened, greeting Checo before speaking to me. “Sorry, but we’re about to start Y/N.”

“I have to leave, just thinking about it.” I nodded and walked to the door with him. “Oh! Y/N, believe me, he doesn't know how to give up.”

“The line is a colored red toast.” Matt put an aid band in over my chin. “The struggles of winning.”

I push him, laughing. “What? You are in your best shape, I'm not the only one who said that to you.”

Last week, in the fundraiser tournament I received a lot of praise, good comments and the hopes of success, besides we got huge sponsors and a boost of confidence.

“But we need to rest.” It's our last day before a deserved days off. We won't have Christmas vacation just the important days but with the qualifier just around the corner of New Year, taking days off is a huge risk.

“I owe you an apology.” I choke my head. “I put so much pressure on you in the qualifier, it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’m sorry.” Matt downs his head, I pout, and passes my arm around his waist. 

“I need that, hard to admit but I needed it.” We walked to the exit. “It’s ok. I feel a strange mix between relief but an unpleasant pressure on my chest.” 

He denies with his head. “Where are you going these days?” I told him about my conversation with Checo, and he insisted that I should go, reminding me of my own words. I always support Max, before, now and in the future.

“To Nanny.” He scoffs. 

My grandmother years after my grandfather died found a nice man, Aaron. At her birthday dinner, she told us she will move with Aaron to his house, outside of the town. Aaron is a well-off old man, who built a small empire around milk. Now, the two of them live free of worries in a house far away from everything.

“You mean to isolate yourself.” I punched him in the arm. “Auch. Say hi to Nanny for me, ok?” 

“Got it.” 

Mia keeps throwing clothes at my bag, angry. She’s been like that since I told my family about my break up with Max.

“I can do it myself, God.” Mia rolls her eyes but sits in my bed, grabbing her phone just for seconds later, leaving it aside.

“You’re not like that.” I roll my eyes too, packing the bands. “Y/N, you fight for what you want, this… this… this is shit.” 

“MIA!” She held my stare, a dignified answer from her.

“Lie to you, but you think we don’t realize you lock up in the basement for watching the races late at night or early in the morning, you keep that bright smile in every photo of Max, that you can’t avoid stop put the damn little heart at ever edit or video of him, fine!” She stands and walks to my door.

“You know this won’t be easy and you take it. For Christ sake, you defend this from dad.” Mia is challenging me. “You know what happened? You start to get terrified about how much you love him and that you could do something to hurt each other, but hey…” She takes a deep breath.

“Go on, and keep lying to you!”

Mom appears in the door killing eyes to Mia as she goes to her room and closes it, loudly.

I take a deep breath and mom watches me. “Let it go mom.” I tossed my hair. “Sometimes I even get angry with myself too.”

The sound of the wheels on the gravel where enough for Nanny appears in the door smiling and opening her arms. I let all the invisible weight I had she take it from me.

“Hi, little girl.” She kisses the side of my head. “Strong as always.” I chuckle, and she lets me go because Aaron hugs me too.

After they started their relationship Aaron sees us as the granddaughters he always wanted, spoiling us every chance he can.

“Are you ready to relax?” I laugh but he caresses my face. “It’s all right, you’re pretty far away from everything.” 

Next morning I woke up to the delicious smell of just made coffee. I slept for more than 10 hours and I felt refreshed; when I leaned out of the window only a green field welcomed me, and a stinging memory started to relieve.

Trying to let it pass as a memory, I got down to the kitchen where Nanny is in her classic apron hands at work, doing my favorite dish. “There you are!” 

“Omg, I should keep a diet Nanny.” She takes importance with her hands and winks at me.

“Are you saying no to my french toast?” Since we were kids Nanny always made us french toast. As we grew up, it became my favorite dish because it always reminds me of endearing moments in family.

“Coffee?” Aaron asked me and I nodded. Nanny put the plate in front of me and the mere scent is making me drool.

I cut a piece and prepare to taste it. “You know, days ago I received a strange package. At the beginning I blamed Aaron and his late night shopping but no.” 

This is heaven, I’m melting at the first bite. “You’re improving your mascarpone cream, Nanny. Sorry, I'll listen.”

She put her elbows facing me. “Then I saw the address and I thought it was you.” I raise my eyebrows. “It came from Monza.”

I froze but she smiled at me tenderly. “You know me sweetheart, I called to the number that came in the top of the box, that strangely directed me right to a woman who asked me to wait a couple of minutes for her to link the call to the right number.” 

I look at Aaron who has calming eyes on his face, encouraging me to keep listening.

“After a couple of minutes, a young male voice introduced to me…” Nanny smiles. “And tell me inside is the recipe and a few ingredients that I couldn't find here to prepare my classic french toast.” 

In Monza, Max took me to a special cafe where I swear I ate the best filling of french toast, and I bet him that with the touch of Nanny it would taste like heaven. 

“I thought he was a psycho or something like that.” I laugh seeing her smiling and Aaron rolling his eyes. “I told him that but he introduced himself <properly>.” 

“The asshole who made your amazing granddaughter struggle in already hard times.” I look lethal at Aaron but he raises his hands. “That’s what he said.”

“How he…” Nanny chuckled before answering. 

“Mia told him the address and the way he can come.” I blink and open my eyes so big.

“Wh… What?” Nanny keeps making the french toast. 

“Called like a bartering. I told him if he was dumb the last thing he could do was learn how to properly prepare french toast and the next time don’t burn the kitchen.” 

How could she know?

“They talked for hours!” Aarod stands and picks up his cup of coffee. “The bill for the phone will cost a fortune!” Nanny and I laugh. “He came a week ago, almost set the kitchen on fire but I think he learned something.”

“What am I trying to say darling is, we respect your decision, we do, but hey… It will be nice if you are there.” Nanny carness my head. “Also, no one has to know, like obligatory.”

“A thief of recipes, granddaughter and precious ph…” Nanny threw blueberries to Aaron.

<ONE MORE TIME, MAX VERSTAPPEN IS THE WORLDWIDE CHAMPION OF F1!>

I can see his small bump fist in the air through the screen, and hear the fragments of his radio communications, cursing from happines. When the ceremony ends, all his team cover him in champagne before hugging him and pat his head and back to congratulate him.

“There you are!” Checo sneaks into the garage of Ferrari. Of course he gives me a VIP pass but he’s smart and got a favor from Charles who gladly accepted hosting me, didn't ask any other questions, just agreed.

“I’m sorry for making you take a long flight.” Checo hugged me but I shook my head. 

“It’s all right, I mean…” I raise my hands. “It's a totally different experience.” 

“I think she’s wearing the right color, now.” Charles walks closer to us, pointing at the red cap I’m wearing. 

Checo rolls his eyes. “Ready?” Charles smiled at me softly before we left the Ferrari garage.

I walked through these corridors a lot of times. I learned how it works but this time there was a party in Red Bull Garage, the protagonist, Max Verstappen. He has a huge smile on his face all wet but could care less, Checo walks ahead and hugs him but I can see he whisper something to him, making Max start to search all over the garage with anxiety.

All in their own world but he saw me, running to me. I scoff because he stands in front of me clenching his fist unable to know if hugging me is the right thing to do, I pull him as I put his arm around me; Max shutter for a second until he puts both of his arms around my waist and like always he lifts me from the ground.

“I’m so proud of you.” I whisper to him, hiding my face in his neck. I guess all the people saw us because I heard shouts and claps around us. 

Slowly he puts me on the ground but he grips my hand so I can follow to the back room. I saw Violet who smiled at me and winked at me.

Inside of the room, I see him trembling and hug him one more time. 

“Congrats Champion.” This time it was his turn to hide his face on my neck. “You really think I will miss this?”

He smiles on my neck. “Thank you, thank you for coming.” 

I close my eyes, allowing me to enjoy the moment. “I am already fighting in the first place for being your fan.”

He splits, still grabbing me by my waist. “My grandmother could be a little talkative and you overcome like a champ.” His cheeks turned a soft pink. “Thanks.”

He breathed in slowly. “Sch… Y/N, I…”

“Where have you been?” Christian enters the room, happiness screaming from his face. “Your family is looking for you.” 

I take a step back for Christian hugs Max one more time.

“I'll be there in a minute. I just…” Max looked at him but I interrupted him.

“Go, I'll have to go anyway.” Both looked at me with incredulity.

“What?” Asking the same question. 

I chuckled. “My coach will kill me, no one knows I'm here and in two days I have to do my training.”

Christian smiles. “One more day Y/N, I bet Max is dying for you to stay here.”

“It's ok, go, you must be celebrating. I have a flight to take.” Thankfully more crew of Red Bull enters looking for them. He couldn't respond just smiling and being dragged for his team, in the middle of screams, and a lot of noise.

Max turns around several times, the last thing I want him to have from me before going to celebrate is teary me, so I keep smiling all the time, a honest smile about how happy I'm from him.

“If you need anything let me know, all right?” Checo hugged me and gave me a new T-shirt, mine clearly wet. “Have a safe flight.”

I looked down at the shirt, of course, it’s Max’s T-shirt.

Violet makes me jump standing next to me. “Thank you.” She gave me a polaroid. “He was acting… odd, and swore you won't come but…” Her voice cuts. 

“I'll support him, always.” I sighed. “I have to go, thank you so much for everything Violet.”

She hugs me tighter. “Can I help you with something else?”

I shake my head. “Go, you must be celebrating too.”

I walked back slowly through the garages, like a goodbye, standing next to the track where a few people from each team stood there.

“I guess it's goodbye?” Alexandra said, walking closer to me. “Are you ok?”

I noticed the knot on my throat and tears accumulating in my eyes. 

“I left more than I thought with him.” Alexandra grabs my hand. “Thank you so much for not leaving me alone.” 

I see the polaroid in my hand. “Do you need something?” I wipe the tears and look at her, and notice Leo in her arms.

“No, I'll be fine, right Leo?” She smiles but her eyes focus on something at my back.

“I reached you, a hundred people working here and…whatever.” A breathless Charles. “A car is waiting for you to take you to the airport and then a jet will take you home.” Charles said petting Leo.

“Oh, no please, I don't want to cause you trouble.” Both of them smile.

“Carlos will take us home.” Charles hugs me. “I'm sorry I can't do more.”

That was enough for me to cry, until Leo licked my hand.

“Oh god I hate to cry.” All giggle. “I'd better go before my eyes turn more fluffy.”

“Don't forget to send us the tickets for the competition.” Alexandra smiles at me; she already mentioned their intention to go to the qualifiers.

“You don't have to, I mean I understand…” Charles grabs her hand.

“Are you joking? Taking him out, we are your number 1 fans.” I laugh. “Call us when you're at home, ok?” 

I nod and give them a kiss for goodbye.

“Yeah, she looks better in red.” Alexandra jokes as I patt Leo, before walking away.

“We're talking seriously about the tickets!” Charles screamed before I disappeared, this time breathing out slowly like if I just shot an important arrow, hoping I hit the right spot.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more to go… 🥺 

I’ll probably do a small poll, but I happily read you if you have a suggestion. I have something in mind too.

[trigunautismzone]

notes on razlo's 3rd arm

》 as with anything on this blog, this is shrimply my opinion / hc — more power to ya if you think differently, but this is just what i personally think 《

cw: conceptual musculature, anatomical study, things like that (just to be safe)

some general notes to start: a lot of the motion required by the 3rd arm only utilizes the muscles of the back, along with the deltoid (and the lats + 'little lats' but i consider those to be part of the back muscle group). i had jotted down the known angles and positions wed been shown in trimax but those didnt make the crop so...🤷‍♂️

my personal takes:

it would work best and be the most straightforward approach to blend the organic muscle structure with the...well, "organic" additions. to do so, they would need a little extra wiggle room to properly connect things at the proper depth. leaving it along the surface as just an addition would probably give away a 'weak spot'—knowing how things have to be connected in order for something like that to Work means knowing where to hit thatll hurt like a BITCH and potentially stun / incapacitate razlo in the midst of things.

(of course, when it gets blasted off by ww, its pretty obvious that it hurts like a bitch anyways. but cmon a blasted magazine jammed in your back is Gonna Hurt)

now, i did say "organic" above—lets dig a little deeper into my hc sandbox, shall we?? there are a couple ways things could go: solely mechanical (lost tech could do Many Things...), the cadaver approach (i mean...), or the "failed experiment" approach (depends on how much you wanna blend canons between stamp and max on that one).

solely mechanical: the eye probably has a lot of access to tech that others may not have thanks to conrad (ew). given the weapons they produce, it wouldnt be far fetched!! i prefer a blend of mechanical and organic myself, but the opportunities are endless.

cadaver: they would likely have...quite a few bodies in different states, given the inherent level of violence it takes to become an assassin. finding someone who has the same bloodtype, similar levels of The Juice Blend (serum), things that would make the transplant Compatible—either that would be Real Easy or Real Hard. again, depends on the stance taken here. going off just bloodtype? easy. serum? harder. much harder, given it Seems there arent many who have the same autoregen that lr has. i could be wrong but wws reaction to it makes me Think.

experimental: mixing some of stamps ideas as far as "building" or "creating" new plants (i think ep 10 or 11??) in tanks makes for an interesting theory, i must say. fusing organic tissues from "failed" plants would be good for a more "natural" approach, potentially even allowing for a higher likelihood of their body accepting the transplant. this would also lead to...interesting conversations in the postcanon klr department. potentially knives blows a fucking gasket part two.

anyways, back to the topic at hand: the diagram

including thin plating under the layer of muscle, however you want to approach it, leads to an easier slide over more "stiff" anatomical areas—the spine, scapular zones, etc.

the muscle could overlap the existing "base" musculature, allowing lr to keep the regular function to their Actual Arms, but it would lead to a more thin, stretched connection to the 3rd arm. yet another reason to kind of "nestle" the port and humeral extension between their shoulders, while still allowing for the surface muscle to expand and contract to properly move it. the humeral extension leans more into cadaver territory, given that it would be easiest to apply a prothesis approach based on an "available information" bias.

the blood / vein and nervous connections allow for more tactile sense in the arm—how tight to grip a weapon without misfiring would require that!! as well as having a general idea of Where it is and What Position its resting in. from what i can tell, having the palm rotated outward and keeping it curled seems to be the natural resting position, but i could be wrong. it could also rest palm in and just...down. could also depend on the situation, whether hes holding a punisher, etc.

at the "core" or base of the arm, there would likely be...somewhat of a mirrored delt situation necessary in order to pull the arm up, rotate it, etc. along with a mirrored scapula and "spine" of the scapula!! just to have a good, solid base. the addition of an extra clavicle down and back would also help form a good "starting point" for the muscle to build off of, along with providing extra connected muscle that may be necessary for motion.

of course i am no medical expert and i could be very wrong on all of this. dont care though. these are my thoughts. My Sandbox.

[reverieshifts]

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑪𝒍𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒑𝒕. 𝟐: 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒈𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒎𝒔

𝒔𝒄𝒊-𝒇𝒊 𝒅𝒓

𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒄𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

Class: Modified mid-class freighter (original designation untraceable)

Dimensions: Compact and fast—built more for speed and evasion than cargo bulk

Original Use: Unknown. Judging by the design mix, she may have once been a light cargo hauler, but at this point, almost nothing about her is stock.

𝒉𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒐𝒓

Plating: Mismatched but reinforced. Some hull panels are standard titanium composite, others are salvaged from military vessels. I once found a piece stamped with a defense contractor logo. Soren played dumb.

Damage Markers: Scars from asteroid grazes, plasma burns, and at least one railgun strike that tore through the starboard side before being patched with a piece of what appears to be an old satellite dish.

Stealth Coating: A stolen stealth coating on one side (only one side), giving her a bizarre half-gloss appearance when flying in certain light.

𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒖𝒍𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒆𝒖𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚

Here’s where things get... illegal.

Engine Type: Tri-core fusion drive (overclocked illegally)

Thrusters: Multi-angle vectoring thrusters scavenged from a racing skiff

Hyperspace Drive: Installed after-market. Very not standard. Definitely not licensed. Burns through fuel like sin, but gets the job done.

Maneuverability: Shockingly agile for her size. She’s not built to win dogfights—she’s built to not get hit.

Speed: Capable of outpacing most patrol cruisers and nearly anything in her class. Soren once escaped a blockade by flipping her vertical, killing main thrust, and gliding between two gunships with only manual microthrusters. Clemmy didn’t love that. But she did it.

Max Velocity: Classified (by Soren) as “if she shakes apart, you pushed her too far.”

Signature Trick: Emergency micro-bursts for fast stops or rapid angular shifts—great for dodging, terrible for unsecured passengers.

𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒎𝒔

While not technically a warship, Clemmy has teeth—and Soren is not shy about using them.

Primary Weapons:

Retractable twin plasma cannons mounted under the nose (illegally modified for rapid cycling)

Hidden turret along the dorsal fin with full 360° tracking (camouflaged beneath sensor shielding)

Secondary Systems:

Ion net disruptor (used for disabling ships mid-chase)

Forward grappling harpoon (officially for salvage… unofficially for “creative boarding solutions”)

Mod Notes: All weapons have been internally rewired for faster charge times and energy efficiency. Soren insists it’s “completely safe.” The ship disagrees. The floor near the control relay is still scorched.

𝒅𝒆𝒇𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒎𝒔

Shielding: Layered energy-dispersal field adapted from outdated military specs. It’s finicky, but when tuned right, it can absorb an entire volley without so much as a flicker.

Hull Reinforcement: Polyceramic inner shell under the patchwork hull. Not factory standard. Probably military surplus. Possibly stolen.

Cloaking:

Partial stealth mode: One side only. Meant for short bursts, ambushes, or dodging sensor sweeps. Jax once described it as “trying to hide behind your own arm.”

Signature Dampeners: Basic-grade dampeners, good enough to fool low-level scans or confuse weapons locks for a few seconds.

Countermeasures:

Chaff and flare deployment for missile evasion

ECM scrambler array that definitely violates at least five galactic communication laws

Reinforcement Field: Short-range gravitic pulse projector, used to knock boarding parties off balance or repel magnetic tethers.

𝒏𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒈𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈

Primary Navigation System: Jury-rigged hybrid between an outdated freighter nav-core and a racing AI module. The interface is messy, but the calculations are blindingly fast—when they don’t crash mid-jump.

Manual Controls: Everything important is mapped to tactile controls. Soren doesn’t trust full automation. If the nav AI glitches mid-dive, he wants to feel the override.

Autopilot: Exists. Technically. Mostly used as a glorified parking brake or when Soren needs to sleep for 20 minutes in a safe orbit.

Charting Software: Half-legal, half-pirated. Capable of plotting hyperspace routes through narrow, high-risk corridors that most ships avoid.

Backup Systems: A wall-mounted hardcopy star chart in the cockpit. Just in case. Zia thinks this is hilarious. Soren calls it “responsible.”

𝒅𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒂𝒄𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔

Docking Clamps: Can attach to standard civilian ports, refueling stations, and most illicit trade hubs. May need to be “persuaded” into alignment.

Shuttle Bay: None. She’s too compact for internal hangars. Instead, she has one reinforced top-hatch cradle rigged for small detachable pods—used rarely, and only when absolutely necessary.

Airlocks:

Main Port: Standard-sized, sealed, and usually a bit stubborn when opening.

Secondary Hatch: Hidden behind a supply wall in the engine bay. Used for stealth entries and exits.

𝒓𝒆𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅𝒔

Routine Repairs: Constant. Something is always groaning, leaking, sparking, or “just about to give out but not yet.”

Spare Parts: Stored in crates scattered across the ship—engine parts in the pantry, coolant lines under the bench seat, wiring spools in my hydroponics pod (which I do not appreciate).

Self-Diagnostics: Unreliable. The system either reports “everything is fine” (it’s not), or starts shrieking about seven simultaneous reactor leaks (there are none). Soren usually ignores it and just listens to the hum of the engine to diagnose problems.

Repairs in Flight: Doable. Often necessary. Soren has made mid-warp hull welds while dangling from a tether. Zia once had to climb into the bulkhead to manually restart a fried fuse bank after a flare surge.

Critical Weakness: The fuel converter. If anything’s going to go first, it’s that. It’s been patched, rewired, and coaxed with offerings—but one day, it’s going to die loudly.

𝒔𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒎 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

Power Grid: Custom-wired. Inconsistent. If too many systems are running at once (say, stealth mode, shields, and weapons), things start flickering. Choosing what gets power is sometimes a strategic decision—or a desperate one.

AI Integration: No full AI. Just a scattered handful of voice-assist systems, diagnostic subroutines, and a navigation core that occasionally asks Soren if he’s “sure about that” when he plots something stupid.

Voice Recognition: Primarily responds to Soren’s voice, but Zia has jury-rigged access to certain commands—especially life support, lighting, and doors.

𝒅𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈/𝒃𝒐𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔

Hard-dock only. No fancy mag-coupling or remote landers.

Zero-G Transfer Capability: Yes, with magnetic grip points and a manually sealed transition tunnel.

Boarding Defense: Reinforcement field, sealed bulkheads, and at least three blasters stashed near the doors “just in case.”

𝒔𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒎 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒔

Most systems are custom-built, hotwired, or frankensteined together. Only Soren knows how everything works—and even he sometimes has to hit things to make them run.

Diagnostics require manual calibration. The ship’s internal sensors are either hyper-sensitive or utterly dead.

Flight path records? Wiped. Regularly. On principle.

𝒊𝒏 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒕:

Clementine might look like a rustbucket. But she’s got the firepower of a private gunship, the speed of a racer, and the evasive instincts of a hunted animal. She doesn’t win fights with brute force—she wins them by being faster, smarter, and just illegal enough to stay one step ahead of the galaxy’s worst.

𝒆𝒙𝒕𝒓𝒂

Ok, I'm gonna be honest here, my friend who's really into sci-fi had to help me write most of this, because as I've said before, I know like nothing about it. So all the fancy technical stuff in here was all him.

@aprilshiftz @lalalian

[sanstropfremir]

ok nana unsubtly kicked me in the ass about this and i realized they were mostly done anyways so here we go! only four months late!

best stylings 2023 - first half

runners' up

rising - triples

there are two good stages with funky athletic wear, but it wasn't enough to bump it up to the overall category. mcountdown 230216, the show 230221

abyss - woodz

didn't promote it which is a shame, but the variety in the costuming for the different versions of himself is well done and it's a beautifully shot bottle mv.

moody - superkind

you got a fake member you gotta make it spooky!!! he's not real that's inherently spooky!!! anyways this is what i wanted them to do right off the bat some i'm glad they finally got my psychic memo.

golden hour - mark

absolutely fucking crazy. fantastic imagery. i think i talked about it earlier in the year but it's such a stupid and hilarious idea to make a whole diss track mv about a several year old meme and then actually make it strange and weird art. obsessed with it still.

sos - kang daniel

i'm also including the wasteland music sequence here because holy shit when this dropped i lost my mind. i'm always surprised by what kang daniel does bc i can never predict it, which over the last few years i'm coming to enjoy. and i absolutely did not expect him to produce basically an entire wild west mad max movie with equal the production value???? literally how did he do this. how. and then everyone paid it dirt??? it's an amazing mv and one of my faves of the year, the only reason it's not bumped up categories is bc although the styling was actually one of the only times tactical gear has been thematically relevant to a cb, its been so overused that it has no punch anymore, which makes me sad bc the tactical gear was good! and a good choice! and i feel bad saying it has no punch bc it should have!

small talk - kim sungkyu

we love when sungkyu acknowledges that he's annoying and a loser. all these outfits were so losercore. i loved this deviation from form for him; he's normally king wailer supreme, but he does smooth upbeat rock very well and it's a nice contrast with the capital y yearning that's in the bsides. it's only here bc he didn't promote much and i'm mad at him for putting dancing in the mv and then not dancing in any of the stages. mcountdown 230629, music core 230708, inkigayo 230709

ay-yo - nct 127

this is just here for taeyong's urchin outfit. well i'm a bit of liar it is actually a really fun early 00s inspired mv, but we all know the urchin outfit stole the show.

stamp on it - got the beat

i will hear NO slander against got the beat in this house, this was a great mv i love hot women planning a heist.

tricky house - xikers

FANTASTIC debut. does a really great job of establishing a character for them as a group and it's got such unique flavour. kq has made great use of their ateez money and also the lessons that they learned with ateez. i'm excited to see where xikers goes in the future, and since i'm writing this section from the future i can say that i do like where they've gone with full confidence. the only reason it didn't make the top list is bc the styling is kinda average for this era of kpop.

best overall

rose blossom - h1 key

i was aware of h1key before this but they hadn't really grabbed me, but damn this cb was so good. the mv is a nice mix of story and dance sections. plus a surreal section in the middle! and by virtue of being like the first cb of the year, they got the jump on this alt girl look that would be the dominating look for ggs this year. and i do think first did it best in this case, all the looks are smart with good group synergy and and a lot of creativity; when you do this type of alt-y punky style it's important that there's a diy element to it, which a lot of groups fail to grasp bc stylists are obsessed with luxury branding. h1key manages to avoid that mostly by being flops, but i'd like to believe its also bc their creative team cared about capturing the true spirit of the style.

stages: music bank 230106, mcountdown 230202, music bank 230203, mcountdown 230119, inkigayo 230108

tic tac - 8turn

honestly i was kinda ready to not like these guys since mnh shat the bed with chungha, but then i remembered that the mnh creative team is very good at their jobs, so here we are. this is one of the few debuts/cbs this year where every single stage was a hit and it was very hard to narrow down to just a few for here; lots of good emphasis on shape and colour and accent pieces with repeated motifs, which was a big part of the fashion in the 00s that they are remixing here. very strong debut especially for so early in the year and i'm looking forward to more.

stages: show champion 230208, mcountdown 230202, music bank 230203, show champion 230222, music core 230211, mcountdown 230223, music core 230225, inkigayo 230226

bonus: this absolutely hysterical 4minute cover (they even got the name bucket hats! not in the stage, but they had them in photos)

sweet juice - purple kiss

i'm not normally a fan of wes anderson or wes anderson inspired aesthetics because i find them too twee and perfect, but this wasn't too direct in it's inspirations and definitely had the spooky purki flavour. i really liked the uniformity of the costuming, both literally using uniform motifs and using the same fabrics; i really do miss the days when kpop costumes were design to actually be costumes with the group image in mind.

stages: mcountdown 230216, inkigayo 230219, music core 230225, music bank 230224, inkigayo 230226, music core 230304, inkigayo 230305

sour & sweet - bambam

bambam again proving that he's one of the few idols that knows his shit in terms of interesting styling. also if anyone knows where he filmed the mv/performance vid please tell me i need to know bc its so beautiful.

stages: mcountdown 230330, music bank 230331, inkigayo 230402, music bank 230407, music core 230408, inkigayo 230409,

bsides: music bank 230331, inkigayo 230409,

macarena - blitzers

i'm so so so glad blitzers got a bit more attention this year bc they deserve it and macarena was so good. perfect culmination of their goofy ass talents and the unusual creativity of their performance + creative directors. i'm even linking the mv teaser here bc its so goofy and offbeat and different. honestly i'd recommend watching as many of the stages as you can find bc they do different intros every time and it's very funny, but unfortunately tumblr has a link limit so i can't link them all.

stages: show champion 230426, music bank 230428, music core 230429, inkigayo 230430, inkigayo 230514, music core 230527

bouncy - ateez

yea yea yea nobody is surprised so sue me. this was a crazy followup to halazia and proved that ateez can deftly switch between serious dramatic performance and comedic but no less dramatic. i'm very happy to see how much work has been going into the main ateez mvs in the last year because it has very clear and striking direction that fits both their performance style and their creative ambition, as well as their growth as a group. also yea i'm not immune to neon cowboy shit.

stages: inkigayo 230618, music bank 230616, the show 230620, mcountdown 230622, music bank 230623, mcountdown 230629, music core 230701, inkigayo 230702

kick it 4 now - tnx

tnx had an absolutely banging 2023 and although kick it 4 now is has superior and more comprehensive production, love or die is also a very good cb, and both of them together have shown that they have a really good grasp on the genre of teen listlessness, from two different directions. kick it 4 now has been i think the most successful cb to actually capture the feel of first gen, and the creative team did a lot of extra work in order to pull that off. from all the graphic design to the goofy lil 90s style music show promos, to the styling, they had a clear goal and achieved it. i think it will be quite difficult for any other group to pull it off this thoroughly.

stages: music bank 230609 (the giant lyrics!!!), music core 230610, show champion 230614 (more giant lyrics!!), music core 230617, mcountdown 230622

shooting star + left right - xg

we all already know that left right was my most listened song this year, but the fact that the mv was b movie sci fi star trek themed? it's like simon made everything about this specifically for me thank you. xg blew everyone out of the water this year on every front; music, styling, choreography, you name it. i said i wanted groups to commit to their bits and i got it. they were completely unafraid to actually commit to the y2k nostalgia AND to harajuku styling; a lot of groups have weakly pawed at it but always back away due to the fact that harajuku and y2k are not actually 'pretty' fashion trends, which leaves their attempts half assed with no real understanding of why and how those trends happened. xg came saw and conquered the current trend in a way that only a japanese gg can do. my only annoyance is that they tone down the stylings when they promote on music shows, and i know why they do it, so it's not an annoyance at them, it's an annoyance at everyone else.

stages: shooting star - mcountdown 230202, con-tour 230217, the show 230221, inkigayo 230212, inkigayo 230205, con-tour 230224

left right - the show 230228, show champion 230222

circle - onew

absolute masterpiece. album of the year in every way. it's a profoundly beautiful unpacking of grief and the sadness that comes with acknowledging that things change, and the way that in that change life and humanity and story is eternal. a circle. the theatre imagery combined with the 60s style children's tv show use their similar but contrasting forms to illustrate the same point: something can be eternal and fleeting at the same time, and that heightens its value rather than diminishing it. the promo campaign was so thought out as well, i love the integration of the theatre imagery into the highlight medley and i highly recommend you watch it if you haven't. one of the best cbs from a solo artist in years.

stages: mcountdown 230309, music core 230311, music bank 230317, inkigayo 230319

--

ignore the fact this was almost five months late even though i started writing in like. november. i'm busy ok. it's planting season and i have to send so much post. the choreos post is the next most finished so that will probably be out before the styling second half one.

[timetraveltasting]

EMERGENCY STEAK (1943)

It has been a very busy week again - mostly due to scrambling to get documents together for my new job (yay!) and saying goodbye to my old one - so my Tasting History recipe is a real quick one: Emergency Steak from the American home front during World War II. The recipe comes from Betty Crocker's (actually General Mills, but that's another story) cookbook from 1943 called Your Share. The United States joined the war later than many of the other Allied countries, so rationing didn’t begin in the United States until May 1942. There, in order to buy certain foods, you needed a combination of stamps and money to get your goods. Better cuts of meat required more stamps, and as a result, many recipes were published that either replaced meat, or made lesser cuts seem like better ones, which is what this recipe attempts to do. See Max’s video on how to make this dish here or see the ingredients and process at the end of this post, sourced from his website.

My experience making it:

Because I wanted to cook all of the ground beef I had before we leave on a trip to Poland this weekend, I did not halve this recipe, but instead made two 'steaks' out of the ingredients called for. Because I wasn't able to find Wheaties here in Germany, I just used basic home-brand cornflakes. Instead of steak sauce to serve it with, I decided to use Montreal Steak Spice, which is always how steak was seasoned when I was growing up (and still today, in my house!).

I began by preheating the oven, chopping the onion, portioning out my ingredients, crumbling the cornflakes into really small pieces with my hands, and putting the ground beef in a large mixing bowl. Grabbing my trusty oven pan, I lined it with a baking sheet in preparation for the 'steaks'. I first added the salt and pepper to the beef and began kneading with my hands until the salt and pepper were well-mixed. Next, I added the chopped onion and mixed in the same way. Then, I added the tiny cornflake bits and mixed with my hands until the ground beef looked fairly consistent in texture and look overall. Lastly, I added the milk in, and mixed the soupy mess together with my hands until the ground beef was starting to stick together and I could form it into a ball easily. Now for the difficult part: I split the beef mixture roughly in half, then began forming vague steak shapes on the pan, about an inch thick. While Max says to try and form a T-bone steak shape, I got confused and tried to form what I think was meant to be a Tomahawk steak shape. I might have been way off though! Once shaped, I seasoned them with Montreal Steak Spice and put the pan in the oven on the broil setting. I let them cook for 8 minutes, then took them out to attempt to flip them. Max seemed to have a lot of trouble with this step, going so far as to write in the recipe that one should flip the entire pan, steaks and all, onto another lined baking pan. However, there were a lot of juices in my pan and I figured trying to do this was a recipe for getting burned by said hot juices, so I decided to try flipping them with a spatula. Max said his began breaking apart while doing that, but mine stayed together just fine! Perhaps this was because my steaks were in small enough shapes. I seasoned the other side of the beef, then put it back in the oven for another 8 minutes. Meanwhile, I chopped some carrots and made a quick veggie dip before taking the pan out again to check. It smelled really good, like steak! There was a nice hint of char on the edges and looked done, so I tested the temperature with the meat thermometer to make sure - definitely ready! I threw a quick garlic bread in the oven and plated everything up. While the shape of the steaks looked a little off, and the texture still seemed a bit lumpy with some visible pieces of cornflake, I otherwise thought they looked pretty good!

My experience tasting it:

I cut into the meat with a steak knife, even though the texture definitely did not require such a sturdy knife. The meat had the texture of a thick hamburger or a really loose meatloaf. It was not crumbly in the slightest, but you could see the bits of cornflake and onion in it. The taste was, unsurprisingly, also of a thick hamburger or a really loose meatloaf, despite the Montreal Steak Spice doing its best to convince me this 'emergency steak' was, in fact, a steak. It was overall very tasty, but as far as burgers go, was a little less juicy than your average burger. Flavour-wise, the onion, salt, and pepper were showing up in a perfect balance. I'm not sure if the cornflakes added much taste-wise, but they definitely brought a nice texture that made the meat a little chewier, like a steak. My husband and I both enjoyed this meal, but I don't think I'd call this a good replacement for either steak or a burger. As its own dish, it stands on its own, however! I will probably only make this again if I have a lot of ground beef to get rid of before it goes off, since it was a very quick recipe and tasted pretty nice as well. While it's clearly no steak, I can imagine this would make a nice tasty meal on the American home front during the rationing days of World War II. Betty Crocker is pretty creative, that's for sure! If you end up making this dish, if you liked it, or if you changed anything from the original recipe, do let me know!

Emergency Steak original recipe (1943)

Sourced from Your Share by Betty Crocker (General Mills), (1943).

Emergency Steak - (1 lb.—serves 6) Mix….. 1 lb. ground beef or hamburger 1/2 cup milk 1 cup Wheaties 1 tsp. salt 1/4 tsp. pepper 1 tbsp. chopped onion Place on pan, pat into T-bone steak shape, 1 in. thick. Broil 8 to 15 min. at 500° (very hot). Turn once.

Modern Recipe

Based on the recipe from Your Share by Betty Crocker (General Mills), (1943) and Max Miller’s version in his Tasting History video.

Ingredients:

1 lb ground beef

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

1 tablespoon chopped onion

1/2 cup milk

1 cup (40 g) Wheaties cereal, lightly crushed

Method:

Preheat your oven’s broiler to 500°F (260°C).

In a large bowl, lightly mix the salt and pepper into the ground beef.

Add the chopped onion and mix.

Add the crushed Wheaties and mix.

Add the milk and mix. This might take a minute or so, but it will come together.

Place the mixture on a lined baking sheet and make it into a T-bone steak shape that is 1 inch (2.5 cm) thick.

Broil the steak for 8 minutes, then take it out and flip it. Since the steak is rather delicate, the best way I found to do it was to use oven mitts to invert another lined pan over the steak, flip the whole thing over, then remove the original pan (which is now on top).

Return the steak to the broiler for another 8 minutes or until the internal temperature reaches 160°F (71°C).

Serve it forth with your favourite steak sauce.

[lovediives]

im not gonna spam the max comm, but i suppose i wanna do an interest check of sorts. annoying, annoying i know. but i need money im broke after this week IJBOL.. sketches of what they would look like.

but for 30 dollars starting on jan 31st. would anyone be interested in stamps like this? if you need a full colored reference... here is a link of what it would look like! they would be 300x150 in size (i mixed it up in the post. my bad) the default is two characters with a more complex bg and full shaded with little tiny heart animations...

if u would like to be added to a wait list >_< erm lemme know too! because i like to plan in advance. timing is very important to me

[blamemma]

journal flip through tonite queen?? I love seeing what people are working on. I started journaling years ago, but I don't do it much. a lot of my pages are ok at best, but I feel like I can never make them come alive, you know? everything looks bland or even sad, even when it's full of color. it's like something's missing, but I don't know what it is </3

ahhhh i wish i could but a lot of my spreads ft. pics of me and friends/family and i am not keen to be doxxed x x x x

honestly tho, the biggest thing that kinda eased my journaling last year was do it for you. and maybe counter-productively, that's led me to acc have 3 journals this year. i have my junk/scrap journal for all my memories or fun-artsy stuff, my book journal for my reviews because my junk journalling would be so messy and fun but i always wanted my book reviews to be clean and tidy and i hated them being mixed together in the end, and then just a write-my-thoughts-and feelings-down-in-an-utter-whirlwind journal. for me its v much dont aim for perfection, i do this for fun and for my own memories and because i enjoy it.

maybe my practical tips are craft paper has saved me so many times. stick that on as a background and you've got something funky and fresh. or old newspaper. or old leaflets. or menus. just anything that kinda makes the background a little different. or if u search on pinterest for junk journal stickers i print off a load of stuff like this and cut them out and stick them around.

there's a load of great online stationery stores (or etsy) you can buy stickers and stamps and washi tapes from, but i really dont use a lot of those kinda things because the point of junk journalling for me is collecting random shit and culminating it together in something random but warming. my first pages are so so ugly in the eyes of "junk-journaling standards" because they're really bare and mismatched, but they're some of my fav pages because i love the memories of them???

honestly my biggest advice is just dont take it too seriously. yes people post these perfect pages on instagram and tiktok, but ur doing this for you so if it illicits happiness and nostalgia, thats all that matters!! oh and also more is more and more is great. i dont care for minimalism at all. i think im done and then i keep adding extras !!

---

wee little add on 5 mins later oops. i can show u this double spread. one of my favourite pages. stare at it often. but probably the most boring page. it doesnt have to all be loud and bright

(i have a daniel helmet sticker on the way that i'm gunna put by max's print when it arrives)

and i've posted this one here before so im happy to post it again x

[colorbound]

Inspired by the post where I drew Adamn as an Animal Crossing Crocodile

I present to you

HC Personalities LR : don’t care about gender rule

Peppy , Normal, Smug , Fatherly/Motherly , Peppy/Peppy , Jock

More headcanons below

Polyblank would totally go by Polyblanc. He’s heavily based off Bow and a bit off iDogs

The back of his head definitely has a battery slot and a stamp that says “N6”

He has now mouth but he still uses text emotes and letters : T ^ T : D : <

When he speaks his voice levels is all over the place

He ONLY gifts the anatomy model and human skeleton

“A7 y0uR S3rVic3!”

Percival carefully dyes his fur to differentiate himself from his older brother

I just love how tiny Perci is in relation to their brother

The Editor keeps his round bed.

Percival has the basic house size and a basement // His theme is probably like Neo-Tokoyo mixed with Iron Set

The Editor has a custom home : max front, 2nd Upgrade Top Floor, Basic Left/Right, Basic Basement // His Theme is Ritzy. The second floor is Cityscape. He has pictures of other villagers he has relations with

With a high enough level, The Editor has a low low chance to gift a gold piece or gold blueprint // If bothered enough while stung, he’ll gift medicine but not without chiding you for your slow reaction time

Percival often gifts clock blue prints or clothes

The Editor: “Say thank you Eddy!~”

Percival: “Ayu…”

Hudson and Cordelia Darling as a Bull and a deer. Theyve got a full entry floor and two small rooms on the sides used as bedrooms

They have a kitschy style and their kids rooms is a wooden block set but colorful

Their often not seen too far from each other and can be often found with Hudson dancing while Cordelia sings // Hudson could be found often gifting things to his wife

I like to think Hudson doesn’t say shit and instead just uses tons emotes while there’s an empty speech bubble

Hudson often gifts Wooden Block furniture (base and customized) and other wood based items, implying he built everything in his kids’ bedroom

Cordelia gifts food based gifts that require cooking or fruit themed blueprints

You can always go to the both of them for medicine

Cordelia: “Darlin!”

Hudson: “ *snort* “

And the Darling twins plus Mommy and Daddy’s playmate ( *fawns and bull )

The kids can be found outside from 8am - 4pm often running around or head butting trees to try and get some fruits or bothering Cowboy inside his own home // They’re bound to be seen interacting with exterior furniture and displays

The kids are never too far from other characters and never go to the higher levels unless there’s a grown up up there or the Villager

Amaryllis and Bellis gift bugs, picked flowers, and building stacks of 5 materials (except wood. Who tf would give a kid an axe) // Fence off your flower patches if you don’t want em ruined

Cowboy would totally be labeled Jock but have a computer based home with mainframes // He has a Max upgrade front and base 2nd floor and it’s just filled with those old computer towers

Cowboy can be found at all hours randomly inside The Darling’s Home (The Darlings turn off their lights at 11)

The cowboy also gifts bugs but also gifts rusted computer chips quite often

Amaryllis (right) : “HAI !!!”

Bellis (left) : “Hai !!”

Cowboy / Beau : “ha- Howdy!”

[wibzenadarksiderwithasoftheart]

Fandom URL Tag Game!

The rules of the game are to write one song for every letter in your url, then tag as many people as there are letters in your url.

I was tagged by @underacalicosky and @dark--whisperings thank you so much for tagging me 💜

This is one of those times when I regret my overly long URL 😅

W - Who's Laughing Now by Ava Max

I - I Don't Wanna Go by Alan Walker and Julie Bergan

B - Blinding Lights by The Weeknd

Z - Zombie by The Cranberries

E - End of Time by Alan Walker and K-391

N - Nightmares by WE ARE FURY with feat. Gallie Fisher

A - A Day At Sea by Everen Maxwell

D - Darkside by Alan Walker

A - Aurora by K-391 and Roxanne Emery

R - Rise Up by VINAI feat. Vamero

K - My Woman by Kim Larsen

S - Sing Me to Sleep by Alan Walker and Anders Frøen

I - In the End by Linkin Park

D - Dance Monkey by Tones and I

E - Enemy by Imagine Dragons and J.I.D.

R - Rainbow by Sia Furler

W - Walk With Me by Måns Zelmerlöw

I - In My Blood by The Score

T - Thunder by Imagine Dragons

H - Hislerim by Serhat Durmus with Zerrin

A - Across The Stars by Eliott Tordo Erhu

S - Stamp On The Ground by ItaloBrothers

O - On Top of the World af Imagine Dragons

F - Fuck U Love U af Alison Wonderland

T - The Resistance af Skillet

H - Hey Boy af Phillipa Soo

E - Euro Anthem by Kozah

A - Alive by R3HAB, Vini Vici, Pangea

R - Rule The World by The Fat Rat & Alexa

T - The Drum by Alan Walker

Phew 😮‍💨😅 30 letters later

The mix of songs (all from my Spotify playlist) probably says something about my poor taste in music 🤷

I am NOT going to tag 30 others, not going to happen! But feel free to feel tagged if you're reading this. ❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[silmawensgarden]

Commissions Open 🌱

Commissions are currently open! If you'd like to commission me feel free to send in an ask/dm. I've got a few types of media you can commission me for. You will get a signed and stamped original sent to your home address.

Mediums available:

Graphite

alcohol based marker

watercolor

pencils

mixed media

Prices

landscapes& environments on their own are €20(A5)&€30(A4) + shipping*

If you want to commission a specific size the price will be adjusted accordingly. A4 is currently the maximum I'm able to send.

Prices are for works with a max of 2 full body characters, each extra character + €5. (Example: two characters in a rocky landscape)

Payment method: PayPal only

Reminder! You're getting a signed, original hand drawn work. The Commission price reflects that.

Examples of what you can request/what you get:

Size: A4 - medium: pencils

Size: A5 - medium: watercolor/acrylic detail

!! Rules !!

No: mecha, furry , nsfw, non-artistic nudity, gore, body horror, politics etc.

Yes: sfw, OCs, character interactions, landscapes, portraits, animals, botany etc.

Note*: Shipping costs are subjected to the country you are from. Someone from the US will have to pay more shipping than someone from France as it is outside of the EU.

[nathank77]

6/19/25

9:46 P.M all I wanted to add is the stye is big enough to be noticeable, its ugly, they can just stay there for years. And eventually they need to be cut and removed if they dont resolve. Its like a fucking eyelid mole but WORSE BC IT GETS INFECTED AND IT AFFECTS MY VISION. I SEEE A LUMP IN MY VISION AND MY VISION IS EXTRS BLURRY IN THAT EYE BUT I GUESS THIS IS MY NEW LIFE AND I CANT EVEN TAKE A PHOTO ITS NOTICEABLE. VERY NOTICEABLE. AND IT DOESNT HAVE A HEAD ON IT ANYMORE. SO IT MIGHT BE A PERMANENT PART OF MY FACE. ID RATHER DIE.

9:41 p.m I'm done bc I got to try to sleep but I have more to say but it doesnt really matter anyways.

9:36 p.m FINISHED

9:30 Changed

9:21 p.m Significantly Added to/end rant. I think a couple days max bc I mean this stye is going away or I'll die with it.

I know I'm the boy who cried wolf but I think i might do it soon. I have no reason to live tbh. And so many reasons to end it:

1) my stye is still there and it doesnt hurt but it doesnt get smaller and imma tell you one thing, I refuse to get it removed or cut. Its not huge but... ain't no one taking a fucking knife to my fucking eye.

- suicide is much kinder... considering drs arent very nice to trans people... oh no i detached your retina accidently. I dont trust drs for a good reason, trans is stamped all over my files and some do mean well but I got hundreds of examples of them not meaning well when treating me...

-not to mention even if I was cis NO ONE IS CUTTING MY EYELID EVER. I WOULD RATHER DIE. SIMPLY PUT NOT AN OPTION.

NEVER. I REFUSE.

2) my cough is still bad.... its still itchy chest. Tbh it may be a drug interaction.... im stopping them... bc the itchy sensation only just started when I mixed a couple drugs I never take together...

although I have coughing fits anyways but the itchy chest cough is awful but the regular coughing fits have me eating cough drops like fucking candy..

3) I mean i tried to get my foot looked at and instead of doing a mri they want to do a bone scan. FUCK THAT. AINT HAPPENING

-MRIS ARE GOLD STANDARD FOR DETECTING STRESS FRACTURES WHEN XRAYS FAIL AND MRIS DONT EXPOSE YOU TO RADIATION... THEY ALSO DETECT SOFT TISSUE ISSUES. IVE BEEN EXPOSED TO ENOUGH RADIATION... YET I CANT GET MY MRI. I ALREADY DID THE XRAYS ASSHOLE.

- I have to sought out second opinions and request a mri or just say fuck it. Bone scans are not typical for detecting stress fractures and expose you to a lot of radiation..... I wont do it.

- i feel like my Dr was like, "he is already a science experiment bc he is trans so why not do this other procedure to experiment and expose him to radiation instead of giving him the gold standard treatment.... when he actually asked for a mri but I wont do it."

- trust me my other dr did the same thing. Claimed a test was very important and must be done that exposed me to lots of radiation... and I found out it wouldn't even tell him anything he didnt already know from a previous test................

4) im so single it's painful. I have no one to talk to about anything ever...

-I tried to talk to my mom and sister about my drs stuff, they couldn't care less or be any less interested. They were talking over me about something else every 3 minutes or so and eventually I just walked out of the room bc I was like yup this is why I need a gf.

5) Sleep has not been good, waking up with coughing fits.. Hopefully the medication interaction is the cause of the itchy chest and it resolves...

-Hopefully the coughing resolves anyways bc I wake up with coughing fits anyways but the itchy chest cough is way worse!

6) i recharged my ac with my sisters freon and it worked for all of like 30 minutes... then I drove home and almost died.....

- I cannot afford to fix my ac or the window....... in order to even think about it i have to call all these places and eventually have them diagnosis it..... and yea hundreds even thousands.. I dont have it.

MY EYE IS MAKING ME STRAIGHT UP PANIC. WHAT IF IT DOESNT GO AWAY? WHAT IF IT NEEDS TO BE SURGICALLY REMOVED??? THEN I HAVE TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

What reasons do i have to stay?

1) well id say my weight lifting progress but I cant walk without worrying about my foot so ill basically look like yea muscle grew but youre too fat too show any of it off.

-so it doesnt count. Yea I like my progress but I feel its haulted.. and pointless until it isnt......

2) the kids- but I mean they'll get over me. They'll love me more if I'm dead.

I dont have any reason. That's the thing. I only have reasons to end it.

I ain't ever gonna find a gf. I mean its been almost 3 years. I can lie to myself all I want but there isnt anyone out there for me. There isnt someone for everyone.. its a trope.

If there was it would be elise. But shes married. And I'm happy for her. I cant hold on to that fantasy.

I cant pretend someone is going to love me as I am.

And what if my stye stays put and doesnt drain and then they want to cut it? I got to end it? What if my cough doesnt go away since its been you know WEEKS?

WHAT IF MY FOOT IS FRACTURED BUT I CANT GET A MRI AND I ACTUALLY WILL NOT DO THE BONE SCAN WHEN I KNOW MY DR COULD EASILY GET A MRI APPROVED. I ALREADY GOT 3 NODULES ON MY THYRIOD I DONT NEED ANOTHER. I DONT NEED MORE RADIATION.

Im thinking really soon. I finished my Instagram. My hallucination is awful and I got no purpose.

Ive come to realize my body wants me to end it. Its giving me all the reasons. And the universe? Well look at my life.

I KNOW YOURE HERE. I dont doubt it AT ALL. But idk what it means. And I really do want you to be happy. Yet I believe there is something more. That the universe had us meet for a reason and one day ill find out. At least I hope.

One last rant: about drs.. sometimes when I call to make appts or whatever they ask me if I'm fucking pregnant... FUCK OFF. And they say they have to...... why? I called to schedule a fucking routine fucking appt... its just to make sure you always know they know youre trans and that they dont see you as male.

Sure transmen can get pregnant.... but I mean.... why are you asking if the appt is ummm not something involving radiation or other things that can hurt the fucking baby???????

Oh thats right.. just to kick a guy and try to kill his gender euphoria....

Its important to know the way they made medical stuff nowadays I CANNOT HIDE IM TRANS. ITS STAMPED ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE

DOESN'T MATTER IF I GO TO A NEW PLACE OR WHAT. AND YEA I DO THINK THE BONE SCAN IS NATHAN YOURE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT, I WOULD DO A MRI ON A NORMAL PERSON. SAME WITH MY OTHER DR.

This is my point. I was having a coughing fit at my testosterone appt.. and I started downing coughing drops. What if they sent me to the er before giving me my shot and what if I got admitted and then I couldnt get my testosterone? I'd just turn into a girl and commit suicide. I'd walk out the er. Stab myself in the leg with testosterone.

And commit suicide. These are the things a trans person has to worry about.

Being forever alone. Worrying about drs treating you like fucking science experiment.

And really what would happen if I got sent to the er before my testosterone shot if I couldn't stop coughing. Would they even make sure I got my shot? Or would I have to rip my iv out and go home and stab myself??

What happens if idk.... I got admitted and couldnt leave?

And it'll always be a concern even if I got it all removed WHICH I CANT BC I GOT NO ONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND SOMEONE TO RELY ON. GOD I ONLY NEED ONE WEEK OF BEING LOVED TO GET THE PROCEDURE BUT I WONT EVER GET THAT.

AND EVEN IF I DID IF SOMEHOW I COULDN'T GET MY TESTOSTERONE ID GO INTO METAPAUSE. ITS BETTER THAN TURNING INTO A GIRL BUT I MEAN IT ISNT OKAY AND I WILL ALWAYS BE SCARED ESPECIALLY WITHOUT A HYSTO BUT EVEN WITH JUST A LITTLE LESS! BUT YOU KNOW I CANT GET ONE BC I HAVE NO ONE

GIVE ME A REASON STAY. OH YEA THATS THE ISSUE THERE ISNT ONE!