#a lot of things with very different emotional tones and flavors happened

[sanct1f1ed]

i'm ok btw today was just a LOT. i've been masking since i woke up and i finally got some time to myself so i think my brain is just excising the built up chemicals n such

[sirfrogsworth]

I keep wanting to write the ultimate post on autotune but I just never quite finish. I think there are 3 versions of almost-done autotune posts in my drafts.

So I'm going to leave out the technical and try to simplify my points.

Autotune is not the devil.

It is not good or bad.

It is just a tool.

It can be used well.

It can be used poorly.

And most importantly...

Autotune cannot make you sound good.

In fact, reverb and EQ can do more to make a bad singer sound okay than autotune.

All autotune does is correct pitch.

Singer sings the wrong note.

Autotune shifts that note.

Nothing about that makes you a better-sounding singer. It doesn't change your tone. It doesn't give you more range. It doesn't give you more power or dynamics. It doesn't give you vibrato.

It just makes you... in tune.

I have never heard anyone say of a great singer, "Wow, they are so in tune!" No one cries over a beautiful performance because the singer hit all the right notes.

And I guess if you are wildly out of tune, people might say you are a bad singer, but I would actually say that makes you an *inexperienced* singer. And whether you are good or bad cannot really be determined until the tuning issues are addressed. (Which most of the time is just a matter of training and practice.)

Good singers can sing the wrong note. It happens quite a lot, actually. Especially with material they aren't familiar with yet. In fact, every singer hits wrong notes. Even people with perfect pitch hit the wrong note. They just know immediately when it happens. This is because singing a note is a physical action and if your vocal mechanisms are not warmed up or you have a cold or the temperature is hot or cold, it is impossible to know if you are going to hit the perfect pitch at any given time.

This is why people warm up and rehearse and do scales before actually singing anything.

Autotune's main use is to fix good takes that have a few sour notes. That is what it is used for 95% of the time. Otherwise you are burning through expensive studio time doing take after take until you hit every single note at the perfect pitch. Sometimes a singer will do an AMAZEBALLS version of a take and they hit one sour note and instead of trying to create that lightning-in-a-bottle moment again, they just nudge the one note and save the performance.

You do not notice autotune the vast majority of the time. If it is used properly, autotune artifacts are completely inaudible.

In fact, I would argue that autotune makes inexperienced singers sound worse. That robotic sound you sometimes hear means the singers were very out of tune. The more out of tune you are, the worse autotune sounds. The more in tune you are, the more invisible it is.

There are very few people who are actually tone deaf. Which means everyone can be taught to sing in tune with decent consistency. And so if there is an instance where someone uses a lot of very obvious sounding autotune, it means they weren't interested in practicing. Or that they got tired of doing multiple takes and had better things to do.

And it isn't that they are a *bad* singer necessarily, but they are probably a lazy one.

Now, there is a different discussion about using autotune to "fix" notes that probably don't need to be fixed. Some variation in pitch can be a good thing. It can show emotion and give notes some spicy flavor. Sometimes singers will start out of tune and shift up to the right note. Like a vocal guitar bend. Being perfectly in tune can sound sterile. And sometimes overzealous producers will let their perfectionism get the better of them and make sure every single note is accurate to the cent and it brings a lifeless feel to the song.

When musicians complain about autotune, this is usually what they are talking about. Not some nepo baby with a record deal who couldn't be bothered to practice their song enough to get it mostly in tune when they sing it.

You should only use autotune to fix pitch when a note truly feels wrong. Like, it is so out of tune that it breaks your immersion.

Otherwise, leave it spicy.

[redux-iterum]

Reread anon here!

Wanted to comment on a few fun things I noticed~

Lizardtail seems to be working on anger issues, in one scene Tigerclaw warns him before a gathering, and in another later chapter Lizardtail catches himself when he’s snapping at fire and continues what he’s saying in a much calmer tone. I thought this was a neat background character thing bc it’s happening at the start completely independently of rusty/fire - Lizard is just a young warrior trying to improve himself, and one of those things includes his temper. As Fire joins the clan, that means he is affected and affects Lizard, and it’s fun seeing the iconic snarky Longtail reimagined as someone who knows he has a temper, and is trying to chill out - he’s wary of accepting Firepaw at first, but as it becomes clear this is what the leader, seer, matriarch, deputy, legit all clan leadership agree on, Lizardtail trys to make an effort, even if he doesn’t personally agree.

And also a completely separate thing !!

During a training session with Firepaw, Tigerclaw offered to give him a few tips, and gave advice on how to fight like a ShadowClan cat- being small and vicious, going for vulnerable point quick and fast.

And then ! Tiger teacher Firepaw how to predict where an enemy will be so he can aim accordingly.

And this results in Tigerclaw teaching Firepaw the infamous attack that, in another world, Scourge would use to Kill Tigerstar nine times over.

I found this very interesting and exciting to notice.

Tigerclaw specifically said to aim for the throat and belly, and showed how a smaller cat could knock him down from mid-pounce.

I’m sitting here screaming, just screaming inside.

((A few comment Rusty made in super early chapters about where he lived before the house next to Smudge - is it a spoiler to ask if his dad is still meant to be Jake? Was he born in a regular house and they just had different food? Or is that super early foreshadowing about rusty/tiny being brothers and BloodClan I spotted? - the vague comment was rusty mentioning to himself his previous house has different food that smelled or tasted different, and I think at one point something in the forest reminded him of the smell, which had me wondering if he was given prey

ORRRR and I’m just realizing this literary as I type, it could be him remembering milk scent, and I’m looking way too deep, lol ))

You’ve done you’re job as author I’m feeling emotions and thinking things and wanting to know more!!

What a delight to return home to, god damn. Thank you for this!

I wish I could say that the Lizardtail thing was deliberately thought out and planned, but the honest truth is that he just started doing his own thing as I wrote him. A lot of characters did! I can only hope that the directions they go are ones people like reading about.

As for the Tigerclaw attack thing... did you know that yarrow is used in cheesemaking to curdle the milk faster and add flavor?

To make up for the lack of an answer before: Jake (now named Sparks) is still Fireheart's father, yes! Also a kittypet like his son, just a wandering one that went all over the place in search of adventure.

[infinitelycomplexpuzzles]

// I should point out, I'm not openly against more modern takes on villains

For example, I'm very much a fan of Starman, which is a fantastic series

I also love the BtAS, because it's got a good internal vibe and manages to make the characters distinct

what I'm against is that the bronze age of comics flattened out supervillains to the point where they all feel the same with different coats of paint; different flavors of serial killer.

In other words, while their actions endlessly get larger and larger, their actual depth gets smaller, and you end up with very shallow villains when you try to dig down deep into them. It's why so many of them are so easily recharacterized, because so little is actually established, because they're not really characters as much as they are actions with faces.

To me, character is more than just action. It's vibe, it's tone, it's a feeling that you need to hit. No two characters should really feel the same way; you shouldn't get the same feelings reading about Penguin, Black Mask, and Joker despite them all being gangsters and killers, you know? They should each have their own feeling and vibe.

To put it another way, with the huge explosion of alternate universes, the difference between how DC handles theirs in Dark Crisis and how Marvel handles it with their spidermen is pretty distinct. People love the Spiderverse characters because they all feel different. They don't feel like copies of each other.

Meanwhile, DC introduced a female Batman who Laughs and it's like 'well, I guess that exists' and everything falls flat, because the strength of a character, of a multiverse, is in the strength of the characterization.

For example, take how I write Spider Tsum. Spider Tsum is barely a character in the comics, because he's basically just a spider man copy. He's just a floating blob that mimics things.

However, based on the responses I get from him, people feel his character; they respond to how I write him. They grasp his emotions and his tone and his energy based entirely around his vibe, without him ever being able to speak.

I think this is what bothers me about modern comics: they've become very flat and very sterile. Things happen but they're trading on old characters that have been flattened out for so long that lots of people have just checked out, and you can't keep cashing out on old writers forever. You can't go back to the well forever.

Subsequently, you cannot keep raising the stakes for villains forever until you do multiversal collapse over and over again and then have to create two multiverses because your writers have run out of ideas to raise the stakes. Stakes are not about quantity. They are about how much a character wants a thing!

I'm getting off track. Anyway! Lots of modern comics disappoint me, because the modern ethos for writing is so very bankrupt and empty in the name of just producing more.

[savrenim]

I've got to say it's wild seriously working on ifmlam again and realizing that, like...... I've actually missed it quite a lot? and am actively happy to be writing it again?

pretty much all of my works post-ifmlam have had a quality that I was talking to a friend and finally realized that maybe the best word for it is 'anime bullshit', albeit of different flavors. but it is kind of characterized by vastly overpowered characters Causing Chaos and Living Their Best Lives, and then a cast of not-quite-so-powerful-characters scrambling to Deal With The Chaos as the Chaos sort of Accidentally Totally Fixes The Plot. we raise it up and as if it must be pure are absolutely quintessential examples of this, and you guys haven't seen it yet, but my first original novel, Opus I, does it to the upmost degree as well.

and I can point to the exact reasons why it happened! there are kind of three, although they overlap:

I had just started a really overpowered DnD campaign In Their Footsteps We Shall Follow gay murder elf bachelorette and realized that I was having the time of my life and actually this was the kind of story that I was really interested in telling at this particular moment in my life;

honestly it's kind of the ultimate power fantasy of just, like, gods I wish I could be stupidly overpowered but instead of it being my job to save the world I could just run around causing chaos with my friends that accidentally more than anything else ends up saving the world; it tackles both the immediate circumstances of being a graduate student and looking at going into academia not only are you Poor but the degree to which your career and your whole future is in the hands of advisors who have vast amounts of power over you, but even if that step goes well, you're going to have to try to claw yourself up for years and years before you reach any kind of security and just the idea of being Powerful Enough to Not Have To Give A Damn About Anything and it's actually everyone around you who needs to be Scrambling To Keep Up With Your Bullshit was. so appealing.

I really do from a generalized storytelling standpoint actually legit enjoy Anime Bullshit, which, I'm specifically talking about the commitment to the bit of utterly extreme stakes and by not taking themselves as seriously in the setup of the stakes they take themselves way more seriously and have way more sincerity in the emotional impact and execution of them? Promare and Redline are my anime examples of what I'm talking about, but another really solid example is Pacific Rim: they commit to the bit of "no we are a movie about giant robots punching giant monsters" and then deliver something so heartfelt and so sincere and so badass and so fun because they don't waste time trying to convince you that the premise is serious, they just take themselves the exact correct amount of seriously inside that utterly ridiculous premise.

and that stuff is fun to write and I love it! but one of the things that I've noticed is that, like, you make your characters powerful and ridiculous enough to the degree that I have been doing, and you kind of lose some to all of the ability for Plot to Actually Threaten Them and hence to set up any narrative tension? and the workaround at least that I've discovered is that the tension comes from the perspective of that characters that are at the edges of the Chaos attempting to Deal With The Chaos, but it means that instead of writing a story about Dealing With Serious Threats, you are writing a story about Attempting To Wrangle Cats (Who Can And Will Fix Anything If You Wrangle Them Properly But Oh God Is It Very Nontrivial To Wrangle Them)

which is fun! and I'm not going to stop writing that! but there is also a sincerity to writing entirely about humans who don't have the ability to fix everything, whether or not they can be wrangled into fixing it. it's a more human struggle and it's a different emotional tone and I like it a lot. and I'm really glad that I get to be writing it again. and that I'm getting to revisit characters and a story that had been such a huge part of my life for so long, even if I don't regret the reasons I wanted to take a step away.

[thebandcampdiaries]

Ashwin Mentoor has announced a new release: “I’m Still Human.”

South African singer Ashwin Mentoor is a diverse artist who loves to create music that feels intelligent yet catchy and emotional. His style stands out as a blend of R&B and Hip-Hop, with a fresh modern twist that adds to the immersive nature of the listening experience overall.

This album is an extremely kaleidoscopic record, which actually highlights Ashwin’s incredible versatility and stylistic variety. In other words, the artist is very skilled and adept at trying new ideas and avoiding getting stuck in a comfort zone with his music. Because of this, he has created a very broad album, which feels honest and spontaneous while cherishing the ability to appeal to many listeners.

The album unfolds over the span of 13 tracks, which is actually very remarkable for a release dropped in 2024. Today, many artists are aiming to put out singles in fast streaks, detracting from the full experience of potentially listening to a full album. However, Ashwin really set out to give the audience a journey with this album, curating the track sequence beautifully and leading to a more organic experience overall. The opener, Rebel Heart, immediately sets the mood with its fantastic production aesthetics and a blend of sound that gives listeners an introduction to where we’re at with this record. “Take Me Away” also brings some extra focus to Ashwin’s incredible vocal chops and his ability to add energy while retaining melody. This is the kind of track that will surprise you with its sonic variety, and it will keep you on the edge of your seat due to its catchy yet unpredictable arrangement, which has a lot to offer.

The third song, “Used To,” is one of the highlights, especially because of all the layering involved in it, enhancing dynamics. “Main Thing” showcases a modern sound, with nods to the golden age of trap-pop. The drum beat has a fast, fat, and huge sound, while the vocal melodies have a soft tone, which contrasts beautifully with the edge of the instrumental. The next song, “Cannonball,” is just as punchy as its title, with a super silky R&B groove that boasts some nice drums and subdued percussion elements, giving the track a very organic and elegant flow. This is exactly the kind of sound you’d want to listen to on a night drive!

The album has a diverse range of tracks, but there's also room for a few collaborations to bring some extra flavor to the mix. In particular, the song "Keeping' It Real" is a standout track that features another great artist, XING. The guest’s unique style and vocals add an extra layer of variety to the album's tracklist, making it a great moment on the record.

The track “Don’t Need It” is very balanced, boasting the artist’s most playful and energetic side while still retaining the amazing nuances of his musicality. In addition, “Messing With My Head” stands out for a beautiful collaboration with RayzTLA, who contributed to the track in a very special way. The following number, “Cause Of Death,” begins with an ambient synthesizer, and it showcases some of the most vibrant and stylish vocal melodies on the album. The drum beat has an electro-pop edge to it, adding so much versatility and fun to this release. The tenth track happens to be a remixed version of “Don’t Need It” (featuring Zaysum,) which brings a new and different perspective to the song. The song “Karma” is also fantastic, showcasing some exciting melodies and excellent sound design. This leads to the next song, “Shoot Your Shot,” which is a beautiful explosion of melody and rhythm, bringing so much inspiration and positivity to the table. Last but not least, the closing song is a perfect gem, which serves as an amazing curtain closer for this comprehensive and exciting studio album.

This latest release stands out not just for its edgy and captivating performance value but also for its exceptional production quality. The meticulous attention to detail in the mix is particularly noteworthy, resulting in a dynamic and immersive sonic experience. The balance between different components of the music is expertly crafted, creating a powerful and impactful sound that is both lively and stark. Whether you are a fan of the hip-hop, neo-soul, and R&B genres or simply appreciate top-notch production, this release is definitely worth checking out.

To conclude, Ashwin Mentoor is highly recommended to people who also enjoy Kanye, Akon, Kendrick Lamar, T-Pain, XXXTENTACION, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, lady Gaga, Frank Ocean, Miguel, Aurora, deadmau5, Tori Amos and many others. If any of those artists speak to you, then “I’m Still Human” is definitely going to be a great addition to your heavy rotation.

Find out more about Ashwin Mentoor, and do not miss out on “I’m Still Human,” as well as many other exciting releases from this talented artist.

We also had the opportunity to ask the artist a few questions. Keep reading to learn more! 

1. Your album "I'm Still Human" showcases a diverse range of styles, blending R&B and Hip-Hop with a modern twist. Could you tell us about your creative process when it comes to incorporating these different genres into your music?

Well, for me, it's literally just about the music. Sometimes I don't even notice what I'm doing when I'm doing it. But the process for me, is to find the right music to go with the right words, and then I search deep in me to find the right feeling to emphasize exactly how I felt when I went through those moments. I also like to look at some of my favorite artists and use their music or production as an example of mixing and blending these genres together.

2. Many artists today focus on releasing singles rather than full albums, yet you've chosen to present a comprehensive 13-track album with "I'm Still Human." This is absolutely remarkable! What motivated you to take this approach, and how do you believe it enhances the listener's experience?

When I started this project last year, I wasn't planning on doing a album. Eventually, the inspiration kept coming and I just kept writing and recording. The goal was to just release "Don't Need It" along with the remix, but what I went through and how I felt at the time motivated me the most to give more. To really understand the album, you have to listen to it from start to finish. I know every artist have that skip track(s) on an album. I probably have too, but listening to it from start to finish will give you an insight of my life.

3. Collaborations play a significant role on your album, particularly with artists like XING and RayzTLA. How do you approach collaboration, and what do you think these featured artists bring to the tracks they're involved in?

I always used to feel like doing music, is doing collaborations. I just love how artists of different genres can come together and blend so good and make something completely different. The first collab was with Ray, the "Messing With My Head" song. He approached me and wanted to do an R&B track, I told him I have an idea for a track but it's more pop-ish... And that's how the idea for the song came to life. Each collab brings a different flavour to the album. And to be honest, these are not what they usually do, yet they give it such a tasteful feeling. It showcase what both me and the featured artists can do.

4. "Don't Need It" and its remixed version featuring Zaysum offer different perspectives on the same song. What led to the decision to include a remix of this specific track, and how do you see remixes contributing to the overall narrative of your album?

This was the first new track I recorded, and I actually love it so much that's why I wanted to do a remixed version of it. The solo version is good, but there's just something about the remix that makes it even better. The solo version is about me realizing my self worth and not needing validation from my former partner, while the remix is about anyone, whether it is a girlfriend, boyfriend, family or friends, that is toxic. I wanted to release it as a bonus track but since the remix gives it a whole new meaning, I decided to add it to the tracklist. And I just wanna shout out Zaysum, cause that guy is pretty freakin dope, and has gone through so many shit, but his music keeps him going, just like it do for all of us.

5. Could you walk us through your approach to crafting the soundscape of your songs, and how do you balance complexity with accessibility for your listeners? Your music sounds atmospheric, yet catchy and energetic, something that’s very hard to accomplish.

I like to play around and try new sounds. I would do a variety of vocal sounds to see whether I want it on a track or scrapped. Many don't know this but I used to be in a choir at a young age, so I still do what I was taught back then, and that's how I am able to do these different layers of vocals. For me it's very easy to balance it. My motivation is "less is more" and that's how I keep it just right.

6. Do you have any plan to perform live, or any other events coming up?

Not yet. I think I would be super nervous and excited but I think that dream is closer than I think..

7. As a South African musician, what is something you love about your local music scene?

I love how we can try anything. Like we don't just like one thing, like today it's this, tomorrow it's that. We like having good times, so I try to challenge that into my music. Just as long as I keep it fresh. And I feel it's just missing me.

8. Is there any artist, big or on the rise, you’d love to collaborate with?

There are so many, like where do I begin. First and foremost, I feel like my dream collab would be with Ariana Grande or Beyonce, but that shooting star still has to pass by me. I also would like to do a collab with The Weeknd, Chris Brown, Matt Terry, and South African artists like. Jimmy Nevis, Craig Lucas and Nasty C.

[girl8890]

R Town | Ch.25

Suga x J-Hope & Jungkook x FemOC (SIDE)

word count: 3.6k

POV: Suga

Warnings: Cheating (past tense), Alcohol consumption, Drunk confessions, Biting, Anal fingering, Anal sex

Index | Ch.26

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

Out of all things to happen during a late Thursday afternoon, hearing an apology from Jungkook was not one of them. It shocked me enough that he walked into J-hope's hair salon looking for me, but then he looked at J-hope and it looked like he was about to have an aneurysm.

"Your J-hope, right?"

J-hope squints, unrecognizing who just walked into the hair salon at first, but then his eyes get as big as mine out of shock. J-hope must have just realized the man who was a part of breaking up his marriage is right in front of him.

"Yeah... and your Jungkook." Jungkook nods his head awkwardly. "How's Juliet?"

I cringe at J-hope's tone of voice. He's not at all happy about seeing Juliet's ex-lover in front of him. I know I should be feeling jealousy that J-hope may dislike the guy because of that fact, but at the same time, it's understandable if he is. They had a long marriage, after all. Even if it was full of lies.

Jungkook glances at me then he returns his eyes to looking at J-hope and swallows. "I wouldn't know. I haven't spoken to her in months."

J-hope tilts his head to the side, not expecting that to be his answer. "Weren't you guys tog-"

"No!" Jungkook interrupts right away, and the roll of his eyes indicates that even the idea of him and Juliet being an item is annoying. "I used her like she used me. Something I've overheard she even done similar to you, but you actually gave a shit about her."

It's my turn to roll my eyes in annoyance, and I catch J-hope looking at me with sympathy because of it. It still pains me a little to hear about J-hope and Juliet's relationship, even if it no longer exists. It does surprise me a little to hear, however, that Jungkook was using Juliet in return. Truthfully, I wasn't sure where those two stood, but I also never thought Jungkook had feelings for the girl.

Jungkook steps forward, and I hear him sniffle like he's about to cry which confuses me, until he explains, "I've recently lost someone very special to me because of another person. Her husband, actually. And it made me realize I-I've never apologized to you about Juliet... I should also apologize to you too Suga because it wasn't fair of me to cut you off afterwards. I was just going though-" Jungkook sighs. "-a lot."

J-hope's stance goes from rigid to content again. I guess he assumed this conversation was going to go in a different direction. "I never blamed you for the Juliet situation. We didn't know each other, and I'm also sorry about coming off so cold. Honestly, I feel like I should thank you."

Both Jungkook and I look at J-hope perplexed by his last comment, but then it's clear when J-hope walks over to me. He wraps his arms around my neck, and by instinct, I wrap my arms around his waist. J-hope then continues while gazing into my eyes, "Because if it wasn't for what happened, I would have never ended up with Suga. The true love of my life."

I grin so wide because of his words, and I don't think I'll ever get over them coming from him. These past few months with J-hope have been so amazing. Everything I ever dreamed of doing with him, and so much more, has happened. It's like an ongoing dream every time I'm with him.

I pull J-hope closer to me and kiss him on the lips because any chance I see of doing so I take. His honey-flavored chapstick is as sweet as ever, and I feel a groan coming on from the taste of him.

Before I do, however, Jungkook reminds us that he's here by fake coughing. I pull apart from J-hope and smirk when I see his ears heat up by forgetting the guest we currently have in the building. Jungkook then sighs, and I see a small smile grace his face although I have a feeling it doesn't match his true emotions for other reasons. "I'm happy for you two. T-true love only comes o-once..."

Jungkook cuts himself off there, and I'm startled to see an actual tear run down his face. He wipes it quickly, but the evidence is clear on his face. He going through something. Something that's making his emotions go all over the place.

Although Jungkook was just forgiven by J-hope, and it's been a while since Jungkook and I talked, he's always been a tough guy. The only time he ever lets loose is when we're drinking, and seeing him in the state he is in now makes me think he really needs a drink right now.

That's why I turn to J-hope and say, "I'm going to go catch up with Jungkook for while. I won't be out late though, so wait for me."

J-hope rolls his eyes, but the smirk on his face says it all. He leans in to whisper into my ear, "I'll be ready for you to return," and then I feel his wet tongue lick my ear.

I breathe through the groan that was about to escape me and glance over at Jungkook to, fortunately, see he wasn't paying attention to us. Him just looking out the store window in a gaze. I quickly pull J-hope closer to me, so I can whisper back in his ear, "I think I created a monster in you."

J-hope laughs, which does get Jungkook's attention back on us, so he pulls away from me altogether. "Have fun you two!"

With J-hope's last words, I walk out of the store with a depressed Jungkook in toe. Once we're both out of the store, Jungkook jogs up next to me to ask, "Where are we going?"

I smirk in his direction. "To the place we always go when you are in desperate need to spill your sorrows." Jungkook stops in his tracks, and it takes me a second to realize it, but I eventually stop, so I can turn and look at him directly. Jungkook is once again looking like he's battling himself to not have a crying fit, and this time it worries me. I step closer to him and raise my hands in some type of comforting way. "Dude, are you okay?"

Jungkook shakes his head and looks at the ground. "No, it's okay. Drinking! - I definitely need a drink or eight."

He then starts speed walking in the direction of the tavern he and I usually go to. It's actually out of town, but not that far out to the point it's easy to walk to. I sigh to myself when I see Jungkook's speed walking turn into a sprint. And I can tell right then and there, this is going to be a long ass night.

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

With a whole bottle of whiskey gone, and two hours later, Jungkook is face planted on the table. He's not sleeping, I know that for sure. Because he keeps muttering things like, "I can't believe she's gone" and "I should have done something." He's been going through drinks like it's water since we got here, and besides the obvious that this is about the girl he mentioned earlier, I haven't understood a single thing.

The worst of it, I'm stone cold fucking sober! Every drink I order, Jungkook takes it. I think I've only actually drank two drinks since I got here. Usually, when Jungkook and I go out drinking, we're both wallowing over our childhood crushes, so I'm also having a goal of getting flat-out wasted. But I have my childhood crush now, he's quite literally waiting for me at home. Jungkook's childhood crush on the other hand...

Wait a minute.

A girl he's lost to another. Check. Wanting to drink really badly. Check. Being close to tears many times. Double check. The goal of getting wasted.

Holy shit...

"Is M, the owner of the Lee club, your M?"

Jungkook picks his head up and I see his eyes are bloodshot now. He takes a big sip of his drink, then he puts his cheek lazily in his hand to lean on his elbow. "Yup."

My jaw drops. I can't believe I haven't put two and two together before. Everyone knows about the owners of Lee club, and I knew Jungkook's childhood crush's name was M, but I just didn't think they were the same fucking person!

M is a common nickname for people. As long as your name has an M in it, then it could be your nickname! But now that I know who we're exactly talking about, I'm fricken stunned.

"Jungkook... your telling me." I point to myself. "That you." I point at Jungkook. "Are in love with M Lee? The owner of the club down the street that she owns with her husband."

Jungkook clenches his jaw, and I'm bewildered by how dark his tone of voice is when he speaks. "Yeah, but they shouldn't fucking be!" Jungkook downs the rest of his drink in one gulp. "He's a piece of shit, and he took her with him! Fuck.. just when I h-had er' back."

He hits his head on the table, back to wallowing. I roll my eyes because even if her husband is a piece of shit, it's more clear to me that Jungkook is jealous of this situation. "She not gone, dude. Just married. I'm sorry that there's no way-"

"No, Suga!" Jungkook picks his head up so fast it makes me almost fall out of my seat. "She's not gone, as in, not available to me! S-she's gone, as in, he took her out of town! Poof! Vanish! Adi-fucking-ous! And just when we started to become something - Hick!" Jungkook's cheeks go red when he hiccups, but he ignores the awkward sound.

Not only am I confused now, but I'm very concerned. Maybe instead of bringing Jungkook to get drinks, I should have brought him to get therapy. Not that I don't believe him when he said M left town with her husband, but it's very unlikely they were actually becoming something. I mean, she's married! This isn't a J-hope and Juliet part two scenario. And what I've heard from J-hope, that he heard from his yappy clients, is that M and Felix are actually a cute couple. One that always keeps each other close.

I know Jungkook doesn't want to hear any of this, though. I wouldn't if I were in his position. So, I just sit there and wait for him to continue his rant.

"I-I love her, Suga. I do with all my heart, and after what we experienced together..." Jungkook rubs at his eyes, not wanting tears to start coming out of them, but he fails this time. "I k-knew it would hurt a-afterwards, but I did it anyway. I let myself be selfish, like always, and took what she offered me. And now she's gone... I'll never know if she's alive again."

That last sentence has me raising my eyebrow in confusion. Not that any of Jungkook's words made sense, but something about him worrying about her being alive is a little - no, very - concerning. I was about to ask Jungkook to clarify, but then I watch him fall out of his seat in slow motion. Falling asleep on the dirty tavern floor once his body hit it.

I sigh to myself, then before the bartender can kick us out, I say to him, "Don't worry. We're leaving."

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

Getting Jungkook home was a complete fucking mess. Not only does this man weigh more than he looks, but his body was basically lifeless the whole way. As I was dragging his lifeless body home, he only woke up when I started dragging him up the metal stairs that lead to his apartment. Once his eyes opened and realized where we were, he bolted right out of my arms and pushed me away from the door. He looks like a drunk ninja by the way he's standing, like he won't let me near the front door of his home.

I roll my eyes, then raise my hands in fake surrender. "Please, all mighty Jeon. Don't kill me with your powers of the death stare."

Jungkook rolls his eyes, then straightens up so he no longer looks like a ninja. "Har-har. Thanks for getting me home, dude."

"Yeah-yeah. Just plan on paying next time you decide you want to drink a bar clean."

He chuckles at that remark, and I watch my friend stubble to get his keys out of his pocket and through the door. It's then I remember his words from earlier.

I'll never know if she's alive again.

I feel like I should really get clarification on those words now that he's no longer in an alcohol coma, but watching him repeatedly drop his keys and miss the keyhole, has me going down the stairs instead. Whatever is going on with Jungkook really isn't my business. As long as he's safe, and not doing stupid shit, I don't care. Maybe I'll be curious enough one day to ask him about it, but right now he seems too heartbroken about M to want to talk about it sober-ish.

On top of the fact that it's almost eleven at night, and I have my own love of my life waiting for me at home. I walk home with the biggest smile on my face thinking about my precious J-hope.

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

"Mmm, Suga," J-hope whimpers in my ear as I stretch his hole wider by adding a third finger. Once I add it, I realize once again there's pretty much no resistance, and he's very soft here.

I lean in until my chest is flat against his back, and my mouth is at his ear. "Did you touch yourself while I was gone, J-hope?" I feel J-hope clench around my fingers, making me smirk at how my lust-filled tone affects him. "Huh! You did~" I nip at his ear. "You dirty boy."

"That's not- Ah!" I smack his ass before I can hear him protest against the naughty nickname I gave him. I then bite at his shoulder, not hard enough to hurt him, but with I put enough pressure into my bite to hear his beautiful whimper again. My favorite sound ever made my J-hope.

I then kiss the surface of my small bite mark, and say, "Did you think of me while you touched yourself?" I watch J-hope's ears then turn red in embarrassment, then he hesitantly nods his head. "Did you imagine this." I pull my finger out of him, and rub the head of my cock against his hole, getting a throaty moan in return from him. "Being inside of you."

"Mph! Suga please, stop teasing me." I chuckle against his shoulder, and even though I want to do the exact opposite of what J-hope is asking, the shakiness in his voice indicates he's already close to finishing. I don't want him cumming from just my words or my fingers though, so I slowly enter the head of my cock inside of him.

I guess J-hope is a little impatient today because he starts to back his ass up, but I stop him by pushing his hips flat against the mattress. J-hope groans in annoyance because I stopped him, so I tsk at him. "Not so fast, baby."

I see J-hope grab onto the sheets for dear life as I slowly inch myself inside of him. I try to let him adjust when I bottom out, but he's already moving for me, making me grab onto his hips again. "Jesus, baby. Did you miss me that much?"

"W-what do you think?" J-hope pushes himself closer to me again, and I groan at the feeling of his tight walls.

"Okay," I say against the back of his neck. "You asked for it." I pick myself up off of him until I'm sitting straight, and I lean back, making J-hope's body go falter on the mattress. Then I fuck into him so fast he starts to scream out in pleasure. He clench's around me the second I start thrusting into him, and I feel myself about to black out because it feels so good.

He's chanting, "Suga! Ah! Suga!" And it's stirring me on to somehow go faster and deeper inside of him. I lean forward and grab his shoulder with one hand, while the other is still on his hip. I make him arch his back and have to hold onto the bed frame to not fall backward. "Shit, Suga! Ah! Too much. Too much!"

I slow down, but still, continue to push deep inside of him. "To much? You were just begging for me a minute ago," I say with a smirk. J-hope goes to whimper, but then I thrust right against his prostate hard and it turns into an uncontrollable moan.

I continue my slow, but deep thrusts into him, each time hitting his prostate, and I slowly watch J-hope fall into fucked out bliss because of it. His hand eventually slips from the headboard, making him fall against me. I groan when he falls even deeper onto my dick, and I have to wrap my arms around him to steady him and not cum at that moment. For J-hope, on the other hand, he wasn't able to hold it in because I watch him shoot out onto the mattress in front of him. Crying out my name like it's the only thing he can. "Sug - ah!"

I keep myself inside of him but take one of my hands off his waist to pull his head until it's resting on my shoulder. I kiss his temple, then ask softly, "Felt good baby?"

J-hope nods his head but has more to say, "Don't s-stop. I want you to fill me up." He then extends his neck to nip at my ear, and my dick swells up more inside of him because of it.

"Your wish is my command," I say, then I pull him off of me to flip him over onto his back. Making sure to not lay him directly on top of his cum trail.

I don't waste any time. I lift his thighs so they're folded on top of him, then I thrust my dick back into him. Bottoming out right away. My deep groan from the intensity mixes with his sensitive moan. I stare J-hope in the eyes while I resume thrusting into him like it's the last thing I'll do. Deep, fast, and oh so amazing!

As I'm close to the brink of cumming, J-hope places his hands on the side of my face and clicks our foreheads together. I watch his eyes flutter shut, then he leans in to kiss me deeply on the lips. I moan at the contact of his honey-flavored lips and thrust into him as deep as I can while I spill all of my wants for him inside of his tight entrance.

We don't pull apart, from me inside of him or our lips, until another minute has passed. Usually, I detach myself once I hear J-hope whimper from sensitivity, but tonight he's keeping me close to him. I detach our lips but only pull an inch away from him to stare down at his fucked out expression. I move a stray sweaty hair from his forehead and look at the love of my life's beautiful face.

"I love you so much."

J-hope smiles up at me. "I love you so much more, Suga."

It's right then I start to remember what my life was like before getting with J-hope. When I was the one asking Jungkook to go drinking and spill my sorrows to him. When I was the one that needed help getting home, Jungkook was the one to usually look at me with worry and somehow carry me all the way to my room.

I kinda feel like a bad friend now for thinking about what I have been. Not trusting everything he's said, or at least not taking it seriously. Maybe it's because I just wanted to get back to J-hope, that I didn't think too much about what Jungkook was saying tonight. Unlike me, Jungkook doesn't have his girl to go home to. His girl left, as he said. Left with her husband, and I was feel kinda shitty for wanting to rush home and be with my lover again.

I rest my forehead on J-hope's and thank whatever God blessed me with him. I waited a long time to be open with that man underneath me, but it was worth every second of agony to feel him pepper kiss me all over my face. I chuckle at J-hopes cuteness, then detach him from me. It is not until J-hope wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me into his chest that I feel content again. I hear his heart under my ear through his chest, and I have an emotional thought of thinking it beats for me. Mine was always beating for him.

I pull J-hope somehow closer to me by wrapping my arms around his small waist, then I feel his chin rest against the top of my head. Having J-hope in my arms is the most incredible feeling, so I don't ever want to imagine what it would be like to not even have him in my view. As in, not in this town with me.

I'm so great full for the man in my arms. I just hope my friend finds the girl of his dreams to say the same.

-

-

-

CH.26

[liskantope]

Thank you for the carefully-written reblog. I'm responding tonight somewhat against my better judgment, partly because I meant to first respond to morlock-holmes who wrote quite a good reply a day earlier, effective enough that it's helping inch me ever-so-slowly away from the strong claims I've been holding. (Some may be surprised to hear that I'm truly feeling compelled to soften my stance and am gaining a better understanding of why so many others are seeing this a different way, I don't know whether I'll entirely come around to your and others' way of seeing it, but it's a good sign that this rather energy-taking Tumblr exchange is doing some productive good.) I guess the reason I'm responding to your reblog tonight instead is that my fresh immediate reaction to it is actively running through my mind and it would be better to get it down now. I'm hoping to keep myself from going on too much further with this thread, though, so I can digest what I'm learning here and then move onto other things.

I'm just going to get the worst part over with, which is addressing your tags which I think are the primary thing that emotionally spurred me to respond on the spot:

#you're not the first nor the last to be disgusted by us or have your stomach turned by us #you'll live

I know I haven't exactly been acting friendly as of late to a lot of trans-rights-advocating rhetoric, but to suggest that I'm disgusted by "us" (assuming "us" = trans people) is a complete and upsetting distortion of anything I've said at any point in this thread or any other. I'm not Richard Hanania. I don't have any disgust reflex whatsoever towards someone for having and wanting recognition of a gender identity that differs from their body's physical sex, nor am I disgusted by anything about the accompanying social cause in its fundamentals. It took me a few moments to fathom where that tag could be coming from, but it soon occurred to me that it was spurred by my side-comment about finding certain messaging like "the other side actively wants us dead" "stomach-turning". Well, okay, if you want to accuse me of being sometimes disgusted by the words of a very specific type of trans rights activist (a quite distinct group from all trans people!), that would be much closer to the truth (I use "stomach-turning" to refer to a different emotion from moral disgust, though). Let me just say this: anyone who cares about the health of their society should have their stomach turned in one way or another by repeatedly hearing serious-toned assertions like "members in group Y actively want everyone in group X dead", regardless of their interpretation of where those assertions come from, particularly when group X includes some of their neighbors, colleagues, friends, etc.! Now I don't happen to believe that some significant swath of people at the moment in the US are anywhere close to actively wanting all or any trans people dead, so for the moment I'm judging this as terrible messaging, and if anything ever does change or convince me that a bunch of conservatives are genocidal in this way, I'll rescind that and my stomach will start turning a whole lot harder.

Now to the rest of your points, and as I should probably digest them more and prefer to taper this discussion anyway, I'll try to keep myself to being uncharacteristically brief.

Your argument was not merely "the gay rights struggle was substantially different from trans rights" but "unlike with gay rights, the demands of trans people impose significant and often unacceptable changes to socially fundamental abstract categories".

I don't think I've ever expressed (or thought) the "often unacceptable" part? I do think some flavors of framing gender identities in semi-incoherent and semi-tautological terms, which is something I've seen booming over recent years, leads to various problems and is the weakest aspect of the trans movement in terms of being able to convince others and therefore the least wise to put front and center. I think some other ways of defining gender identity as distinct from biological sex that I've heard coming from trans rights people are great and should be promoted.

And in this sense I don't see why redefining gender (so as to be mutable, and to contain more categories) is actually substantially different from redefining relationships (to validate same-gender relationships) or sexuality (moving homosexuality from a disease/sin framing to basically normative sexual behavior).

I don't either! We are in agreement. I do recognize gender as mutable and existing on somewhat of a spectrum.

These two sentences are describing the exact same phenomenon! I am honestly baffled that you would present these as distinct arguments.

I concede that I phrased some things in that paragraph sloppily and think it's totally valid for you to read it as contradictory. I think I was trying to get at the idea that (more minorly) some people were denying that there was really such a thing as a gay person at all; there were only straight people who temporarily experimented with sexual feelings/behavior with others of their sex. Whereas (more majorly) some people took a subtly weaker position that gayness was an actual trait/condition but one that could be overcome with some work, thus gay rights advocates arguing back that homosexuality is innate and can't be changed. But the distinction between these two attitudes is certainly nebulous, and my point in that paragraph was rather shoddy.

I don't think everyone more or less agreed on this. [...] This was not incompatible with gay marriage because God was supposedly a homophobe, it was incompatible because gay marriage does not fill the designated procreative, ideological, and economic function of the family unit as conceived of by the religious right.

That is a very, very interesting point, and I'm glad you brought it to my attention. Yes, through most of human history, up until the early 20th century or so, relationships were mostly developed by fiat and relied on a system of command with the man at the top. It really hasn't been my impression that returning to something more like this was the real motive for American Christian conservatives opposing gay marriage in the '00's, but I have no way of pinning down evidence otherwise, so I'll just keep it in mind as a possibility. (I was certainly aware that conservatives were concerned about the inability of gay couples to procreate, but I thought that was one of the main "justifications" for homophobia itself in the first place.) Perhaps tons of conservatives were feeling this way but weren't too openly vocal about it because they knew "we need to preserve a hierarchy where each man is the head of the family over a woman" wouldn't fly as well as "God created penises so that penises could go into vaginas".

I do not expect you to know this, most cis people in this country and most trans people outside of it do not know it either, but my gender as it is recognized by the state is, among many other things, the reason I am barred from my own name. Every trans person I know has a story like this, with some state institution or state-empowered private bureaucracy. Many of us have stories about these things killing our friends.

This is maybe a reflection of the ignorance you (perhaps accurately) expect from me, but I'm not sure I follow this paragraph. I hesitate to ask about it, and certainly don't expect a response about it, but I wonder if I should understand "barred from my own name" to mean that the government is refusing to allow you to legally change your name (which is obvious bullcrap of course, even cis people should be perfectly free to legally change their names, and I'm sorry). And then the rest of the paragraph sounds like it's saying that most American trans people know another trans person who committed suicide because some bureaucracy in the US still only recognizes their deadname or some similar failure.

The rest of your reblog seems to be picking apart my words to show a contradiction, but you seem to be mischaracterizing me as saying that the only aspects of the trans cause that should be advocated front and center are purely legal ones (as the gay rights movement did), and I don't remember ever saying or believing this? (In my six-months-ago thread, I might have sounded more like this, using the adjective "concrete" a lot, don't have the energy to check now, but I don't think I intended to claim such a thing then either.) As I said, the gay rights debate of the '00's was centered on whether or not there was something innately bad/wrong about homosexuality. The gay rights movement focused almost entirely on pushing for gay marriage, mainly because that was a mostly symbolic indication of the social issue of whether or not homosexuality was accepted in their society. (There were a couple of less-purely-symbolic causes like getting rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell as well.) Now it so happens that there are actually more nowhere-near-purely-symbolic legal issues at stake for the trans community right now, but I don't think I've ever said that the only issues that should be emphasized are the legal ones! I am very in favor of emphasizing a change in social attitudes towards being a lot more accepting of non-traditional gender presentations, a norm of respecting name and pronoun preferences, no longer treating trans people with ridicule in any part of our culture, bringing about less reason to fear gender-identity/presentation-based violence, and many other things. Perhaps it's a lack of clarity in my writing, but I don't think I've ever meant to imply otherwise.

Half a year ago, I got myself involved in a thread which compared trans rights to gay rights and tried to make a case that, in terms of arguments for each, the issues are not as directly comparable as a lot of people seem to think. A lot of my perspective comes from a sort of an empathy I feel with the non- religiously conservative, non- radical feminist motivations for doubting some of what this social movement is pushing for, particularly with regard to its disconnect with how more traditional people view identity categories.

This portion of a recent interview on the YouTube channel Nonzero (see until 47:43) is a stunningly crystal-clear illustration of the attitude and motivation I was trying to describe at the time, so much so that I think it's instructive and kind of fascinating to watch, even if it's almost so extreme and ridiculous as to come across as parody. (Warning: a certain kind of non-conservative, non-TERFy transphobia, which I'll quote bits of below.)

The interviewee, Norman Finkelstein, feels violently averse to using "they/them" pronouns purely because it would be implicitly affirming what in his mind is an untruth. (Presumably he would not want to refer to a male-presenting student as "she" or a female-presenting student as "he", for a similar reason, but this doesn't directly come up.) He appears to have no other motive, but the motive of not liking to "play along" with someone else's factual untruth is plenty for him. There is no particular social conservatism evident in him; he states plainly that he's fine with androgyny, of people dressing/presenting any way they wish, and that stuff doesn't bother him in the slightest, because that doesn't involve saying things that are untrue. Politically and philosophically he is obviously left-leaning, pro-science, and non/anti-religious in most areas: he repeatedly likens affirming someone's gender identity to affirming that the world is flat or that climate change isn't real or "all the craziness you attribute to the Trump base". Not pronouncing things that imply a factual untruth or deny objective reality is sacred to him as a professor and an intellectual, is what he is saying.

Also, this:

I'm not insulting anyone. If I'm calling you a "he", it's not like I'm calling you the N word or I'm calling you a c*** or something. It's just a relatively stable identifier.

Notice how completely uncomprehending Finkelstein is of the notion that not affirming someone's claimed identity (on the basis of what he believes to be objective reality or established definitions of words) could possibly be an insult or convey lack of respect or qualify as dehumanizing treatment of someone else. That a refusal to affirm someone's claimed identity (on the basis that it denies objective reality) is somehow a form of dehumanization is a completely unfathomable concept to many.

Now I find Finkelstein's perspective flawed on at least half a dozen counts, and fallacious on a particular fundamental level in conflating different types of "objective facts" (something that Robert Wright, who takes a much more reasonable, kind, and open-minded agnostic view on all of this, gently tried to push back on him about). I do think Finkelstein had some good points later in the excerpt about not forcing jarring changes in language down everyone's throats -- this is how I feel about artificial and ugly terms like Latinx, for instance, and I would have had some issues with xie/xir and the like becoming widespread nonbinary pronouns -- but in my opinion these points can't be applied well to using singular "they" for nonbinary people. Moreover, Finkelstein comes across as hardly more than a crusty, curmudgeonly jackass throughout, one who proudly and stubbornly adheres to a disagreeable absolutist view and refuses to open his mind to where his defense of that view might be flawed.

(More minor point: in arguing that mispronouning someone isn't a form of insult, he compares it to factually saying someone's hair is white or that their muscular dystrophy will prevent them from running a 4-minute mile. But, while maybe "insult" or "dehumanization" wouldn't be the best way to describe these things, they are certainly rude in certain contexts: you probably shouldn't call attention to someone's hair being white if they are sensitive about aging, for instance. Similarly, calling a nonbinary but male-presenting person "he" is pretty unkind if they don't want to present as male and are sensitive about it. But Finkelstein clearly isn't the kind of person to prioritize others' feelings over his duty towards "objective reality" in this way.)

But I contend that this is simply an extreme and rather dickish version of how tons and tons of people think, because in terms of the history of social justice and civil rights movements, it is brand new for a movement to be so heavily based in the objective truth of internally-felt identities and accusing people of fundamental dehumanization when they refuse to affirm them. And yet, activist rhetoric sounds as if this is simply part of how identities always worked and what dehumanization always meant, rather than something that appeared on the scene just yesterday.

There is certainly still a major constituency of conservatively religious people who believe that everyone should only do with their bodies what their bodies were "created to do" or whatever, but conservative Christianity is very weakened in our culture since it lost the last major culture war, and I think a lot of people in that camp still also fall into the category of finding it incomprehensible nonsense to say that an identity category is whatever each of us says it is and that it's dehumanizing ever to imply otherwise. I believe it's simply a misconception to assume that the pushback against trans activism is comprised mainly of fundamentalists and TERFs. Norman Finkelstein is an (albeit extreme) example of someone who appears to be neither, and my perception at least in the US is that most people are neither, but that a great many Americans, if not a majority, don't really get the "identity is whatever you say it is" concept and at best are bemusedly humoring it as long as it doesn't get too much into their faces.

(On each day of this past weekend, I was in a different public place -- a bar restaurant and a coffee shop -- and overheard part of a conversation about how "the people in such-and-such social group over there all ask about and share pronouns and a bunch of them go by 'they'", and in context this wasn't being attacked in any way, but it was being treated as bemusing and only semi-comprehensible.)

As Tumblr user Bambamramfan once said, people (particularly scientific-minded, non-faith-y people) really don't like to assert things they don't actually believe (don't have time to look up the post right now; the way they phrased it was something like "Americans don't like to lie about what they believe" and it was in the context of lesser-of-two-evils voting, a topic on which I emphatically disagreed with Bambambramfan, but I consider that particular point to be wise). I wish this were more recognized in social justice activism communities in general, and both that more rhetoric were crafted and ideological assumptions were more carefully examined with it in mind.

I'll end by saying, as I've probably said before, that I'm not claiming just because certain ideological assumptions in trans right activism are fundamentally brand new, that they are wrong or shouldn't become adopted by the wider community. Lots of fundamental ideological assumptions that we are obviously better off for making the default, such as "people owning other people is a gross moral evil", were once brand new at least on a society-wide scale. What I complain about is activists completely refusing to acknowledge or even be aware of this novelty, and so refusing to critically examine it, to defend it on its own merits, or to meet others where they're at.

[funkymbtifiction]

Dear Charity,

I hope you can help me, I'm torn between 9 and 6. Last month, I decided I was a 9 and I've been trying it on since then to see if it fits. I've also just started journaling and the first thing I noticed is my main focus during the day is trying to stay calm and keep my inner peace. I don't want to record any unpleasant or upsetting things in my journal as I don't ever want to look back on them. The only things like this I write are the ones that help me deal with anxiety in my everyday life. Typically it's like "this thing triggered me or made me feel nervous, upset, etc. and I did these things to cope with it". Otherwise, I only write about the wonderful things that happen. I'm a little at a loss on what I should be focusing on when writing but so far I'm trying to record my reactions to things and the reasons behind them. I noticed I have strong reactions to things that disappoint me or I feel could be better in some way. Anything I disapprove of, I find immoral or I simply think is not right can make me feel angry or upset. 

That would be consistent with 9w1 -- you want both peace and for things to be moral, proper, and "right." A lot of anger can also arise in a 9w1 -- some of them are consciously aware of how angry they are all the time and others are not. But if your focus seems always to be on being calm, staying calm, wanting to be peaceful, etc, that's 9.

I looked back on some journal entries I wrote in my teenage years and early 20s, I seemed to rant more back then, the tone of some of those entries sounds a little too angry and annoyed. I don't want to be like that anymore so I'm glad I made progress in this regard.

This also is 9ish, cuz you are suppressing your previous self; judging yourself for being too angry and annoyed in retrospect, as if the 9 wants to take up even less emotional space than years ago. (If you are a 9, you need to learn to let anger take up space and express it.)

So far, I could relate a lot to the things I found about 9 in the blog, especially to what you wrote about the way gut types feel and being a withdrawn type. I think it would be useful to have posts about the groups of Enneagram types you mention lately (attachment, withdrawn, assertive, etc.) and what each of these are like because I don't know much about it.

Attachment means it's hard to get other people out of your head, if you invite them in; their criticisms matter, you remember what they said about you, and you go along with them unless it rubs you wrong.

Assertive means you power through people to get what you want, and are quick to leap into action but not in touch with your tender side or your feelings.

Withdrawn means you rely on yourself rather than on other people, and withdraw from others to solve problems rather than move toward them; this means you don't let them take up space in your life when they could, because you're absorbed in fixing it yourself.

I very much appreciated the new descriptions of the wings you added to the 9 profile. The 9w1 one felt like looking in a mirror, I think I can easily spot my 1 wing monitoring my behavior and moral views, telling me to be as proper as I can at all times and to try my best.

Then you should trust yourself. If that resonated more than 6! :)

I've interacted long enough with you to say that 9 seems accurate. I don't think you self-doubt or second-guess yourself and your opinions enough to be a 6. You seem quite sure of them (at least on the surface) and you hold your ground when others challenge you on them, as well as have a little bit of a moralizing tone when you argue. 6s can also moralize at people, but it has a different flavor to it. I don't know your inner self, but I also don't think fear holds you back from interactions so much as a withdrawn stance of "I don't need people."

I'm afraid all this is just me wanting to be a 9 though because I seem to have a highly idealized view of the type, I have a hard time acknowledging its flaws. It is my favorite type and most (if not all) of my favorite characters are 9's. Bilbo Baggins is the 6 character I like the most and even so I find he can be rather rude. I like Frodo a lot better, he's always been my favorite LotR character. I can relate the most to 9 characters too.

9s have a hard time admitting to their flaws and not putting on rose-colored glasses. They want everything to be lovely and sweet and not for things to upset them -- admitting to problems, and seeing their problems, would be upsetting to them. I like 9s too, but I never relate to them -- whereas I totally understand where other 6s are coming from because they are making all the same decisions I would make. I, as a 6, would not head off without Sam like Frodo did, in the view that I could do this by myself. Would you? ;)

Bilbo has inferior Te. It be rude when he's had enough.

Most of the 9s I've known have always liked Frodo best. Ahem.

When I look at the integration lines of 6 and 9, I find I could go to 9 just fine, I try to act like a 9 every day and it seems to come easy if there's nothing upsetting me but it feels really hard to move towards 3 in comparison. I'm not sure I want to be like a 3. The only thing about me that sounds like 3 is I've grown to care a lot about the impression I give on social media. I want to make sure it's true to who I am but also proper and basically I want it to be just right.

Just right. Like a 1 wing notion of what's ideal and proper? ;)

I'm not sure I'm as naive as average 9's are said to be as I consider myself a very cautious person but I also don't think I'm as paranoid as 6's. I don't know many people but when it comes to trusting others, I'm more likely to trust them if they give me a good impression. I don't think I suspect them unless I have valid reasons to do so. I think it's best to keep a balance between being too trusting and not enough and to be sensible about it.

An INFP 9w1 told me recently she didn't want to get a job at a bank, because part of the job includes being suspicious of everyone who walks through the door (potential robbers) and she doesn't want to think the worst of people. The idea of judging them as potentially bad without even knowing them really unsettled her 9-ness.

Basically, after reading the rest of what you wrote, 9w1 seems right. You are, of course, going to relate to some 6 things, because that's where you go to in stress, but I don't see head type energy in you. You seem to react from a place of "right/wrong" (gut energy). :)

[saberstars]

I'm Here

Pairing: Gender Neutral Y/N & Loki

Fluff, angst, implied smut

Warnings: Mentions of depression/mental illness, epilepsy/seizures, mentions of sex, as always if I missed anything feel free to let me know

Summary: Loki & You have a pre-existing friendship with benefits & one night you have a seizure after some spiciness. He cares for you helping you afterwards & makes sure you rest easy & safe. Reader is portrayed to have seizures more so during changes in sleep phases, not awake. The wake seizures or more of a medium ish absence/ focal aware seizure that only occur on occasion & can be “fought” through.

Word Count: 1796

Notes: This was intended to be a gender neutral reader. I think I removed all he/she pronouns.

Additionally, I know that not everyone experiences seizures the same way, and that epilepsy can affect people differently. This is all written from my experiences with it, so I ask that you do not tell me I portrayed something wrong. I can and will accept constructive criticism, But I will not accept someone telling me blatantly that I am wrong with my experiences. Therefore please keep that in mind when reading. I genuinely hope this fic brings others comfort if you suffer from epilepsy or any disorder that causes seizures. Thank You <3

It’s been three years since you found out you suffered from epilepsy. A diagnosis that came late in your life to be fair. As a young child up until you reached adulthood, you suffered from eye shakes that would eventually turn into stuttering spells that made it difficult to breath or not breath properly at all. You never passed out though, you got close a few times, but you managed to stay awake and “fight it off.” You started to notice over time that you’d also get a strange taste in your mouth, almost like metal or as if you were sucking on a battery and it had that zing flavor. You knew that was a precursor and would panic on cue rightfully so. You hated when you had your mini stutter fests because all you could do was hope it didn’t happen.

Of course you complained to your parents as a child but they didn’t think it was anything. They said it was just a panic attack. So you took their word for it. That was until you started having grand mals in your sleep. At first you thought they were just a part of some strange dream, that wasn't real to you, not yet anyway. You would wake up exhausted, sore, sometimes unable to move properly, walk, open and close a fist, and you just overall couldn't stay conscious sometimes. Again you complained to your parents about it, but they said it was nothing. You probably had night terrors or some form of minor sleep paralysis. So you dumbly believed them.

When you moved out, You sought answers, and eventually got them. You were grateful. The medication they prescribed helped tremendously though, it did make you tired but it was worth not having your episodes. Thankfully your case wasn’t as severe as others and it was manageable so long as you took care of yourself and took your medications. Though you were warned, breakthroughs were common, and missing your dose can and would cause a seizure.

Despite having such a diagnosis, you kept it to yourself. You never really told anyone. It wasn’t until you started sleeping with a friend, that you finally divulged your secret too in the event that it ever happened whilst they were with you.

It was someone you randomly slept with on and off with. A friend with benefits, his name was Loki. You had met the god shortly after his father had passed and his home, destroyed. You found comfort with each other despite it being more of a sexual comfort. You both used sex as a way to fight your own demons, a distraction, a quick grab at serotonin. Despite the sex you both developed a very deep friendship. You’d read together on occasion, have very interesting debates on current events, history, as well as other nuances, and a lot of other things. You even met his brother and the avengers at one point.

You both slept soundly after spicy events had taken place 2 hours prior, Loki had come over desperate for attention of any kind. He didn’t say why, but you knew it was a rather serious topic he wished not to discuss and rather lessen the pain with ecstasy. Little did you know, on this day a few years ago he indirectly murdered his mother. He blamed himself dearly, he knew if he would have kept his mouth shut for once in his life she may be here today. So he needed a genuine distraction. One of any kind. Preferable you. Due to the spicy events that took place you missed your dose, due to falling asleep promptly after, which cost you dearly. Missing doses always caused this to happen no matter what.

You gasped for air like usual, your body contorting outwards first with a thrust. You were awake, conscious, and terrified for the few seconds you normally were given before blacking out. You began to stutter violently all the air leaving your lungs as it happened. Until no sounds were made and it was just you chattering. Loki woke immediately, with a completely calm exterior despite a raging mixture of emotions internally. He knew you never called an ambulance for these things because you were normally alone & unaware until you became conscious again. She made him promise to never call 911 unless it was over a certain time length, to save her medical expenses, or unless she stopped breathing for good.

Loki dare not touch you though as you shook and curled up. The last thing he wanted was his godly strength to crush you somehow or cause you more pain. Instead he watched and hovered until you finally stopped. It was a short 50 second one, which was under your time limit, but he still debated calling. It’s not like You would’ve known he lied.

His breathing hitched as he went to check your pulse and airway, ever so delicately, which were both clear and strong.

“Oh thank you.” he whispered

A few hours had slid by with still no response from you. Loki sat next to you, staring down at you, to the point where he would fight the urge to blink, waiting for a stir of some kind from you. He did give the courtesy of redressing you though, in a nightgown from a drawer after an hour slid past. He even went as far as ensuring that you were adequately covered by the blankets to avoid being chilled. It has been 3 ½ hours now, with no stir of any kind from you. He knew it would be awhile before you showed any signs of movement possibly but this worry tore him to his core. In the midst of waiting he refused to just idly go back to sleep next to you, he was determined to stay awake until you were conscious again, so that you knew, he stayed there waiting for you. Loki didn’t know when he found himself talking to you as if you were awake, but all he knew was that it made him feel a bit better, and he hoped that when you woke it would make you feel better too.

“You know, I’ve been reading this really dumb gothic romance novel. I think you’d like it because of how naive the girl is. I know you like to criticize and pick on how they make decisions.” he spoke with a chuckle in his voice thinking back to how you’d flail your arms and drop your book to scream about how dumb some main protagnist could be.

“I'll have to buy you a copy or give you mine when I’m done.” Loki shifted his weight from his right to his left brushing your bangs out of your eyes.

“I don’t know why you keep those so long, all they do is get in the way of your gorgeous eyes.”

It was in that moment you rustled, you shifted your neck ever so slightly, Your eyelids twitch. Loki leaned forward parting his lips as he watched with a heart of hope completely overwhelmed with joy when he saw the color of your iris’s. He exhaled a shaky breath cupping your cheeks which caused you to flinch sending a wave of shocks through your body. It was at that moment you knew. You knew what he saw, what he had gone through. Your heart sank and you immediately berated yourself internally despite your exhausted state.

“It’s ok you don’t have to say or do anything. I’ll stay, I’ll take care of you for as long as you need.” Loki assured you, wanting you to know that you didn’t have to go through this alone. You never really had anyone stay, let alone worry about you. Your eyes began to water as tears rolled down your face.

“I’ll go grab you some water, you’re probably parched. I’ll also grab you a banana. I read that potassium can help with the cramping.” Loki said leaving to yourself for a moment. He also grabbed tissues for your eyes and nose just in case. Upon returning her placed everything at your side offering help to sit up. “Do you need to use the bathroom or help sitting up?” He asked with a gentle tone.

You nodded trying to take a good deep breath so you could speak a bit. “I’m so sorry you had to see that… but thank you. Thank you for staying, for helping. I do need the bathroom and I would appreciate help. My legs are still...” you mustered out with all your might but after a point your tongue refused to work with you.

“Of course, I may be a monster but I’m not entirely cruel. If it helps… you can just think to yourself and I can listen that way. So that you're not struggling too much.” Loki admitted with a tone of self depreciation.

“You're not a monster just because you're different & have made mistakes.” you thought as Loki picked you up bridal style walking you to the bathroom. Of course he placed you down on the toilet and waited outside for you to do what you needed. Since he had only added a nightgown to your previously naked body it made things easier. It was exhausting to just sit up and do everything but you pushed through. You even pushed yourself up and limped to the sink best you could to wash your hands. Upon hearing the faucet though Loki came back in standing behind you offering support if needed.

“Catch me~” you thought before falling back into his arms with a snort.

“You're lucky I have godlike reflexes you minx.” He replied with a hint of flirtation. You had used more than you had in you to wash your hand. Loki caught you obviously and carried you back to the room placing you back on the bed. “No, more like I knew you were ready to catch me.” you slowly thought as exhaustion tugged at your consciousness again. Loki noticed the pill bottle on your dresser before prompting you to take it. Instinctively opening it and sliding one into his hand.

“You should probably take this before you fall asleep.” You took it mentally saying thanks drinking the glass of water with it.

“Yeah that would probably help avoid some added breakdancing.” You joked trying to use humor to lighten the situation. Loki stared plain faced trying not to entertain your joke though, despite finding it secretly witty. Maybe he’d laugh at it when you felt a bit better. Soon after you began to dance between awake and sleep. Loki took note based on how your thoughts jumbled around between multiple things, laughing to himself a bit before minor intrusive fears began picking at you. Loki immediately jumped into action in an attempt to squash them soothing you a bit.

“You can sleep soundly, please get some rest. You don’t have to force yourself to stay awake out of fear or guilt.” Loki spoke in the most caring and sweet tone he could muster up. Trying to convince you that it was going to be ok & it worked. Somehow you knew he was right & that you could trust him completely. You drifted back to sleep peacefully thinking about how for the first time in your life, you didn’t fear sleeping in your bed. You didn’t have intrusive thoughts about whether or not you’d wake up in the morning or not. Which honestly brought tears bubbling their way up and out of Loki's eyes. The amount of trust you had in him in your thoughts, at that moment completely took his breath away. And that was something he wasn’t going to break or ever lose.

[brawltogethernow]

So, I don't think I've ever asked you this... what IS the whole point of the Spider-Sense? It really seems like something that only exists for writers to ignore or work around when they want to inject Legit Tension into a story.

I’ve thought about this power so much, but never with an eye to defend its right to exist, so I needed to think about this. The results could be more concise.

Ironically, given the question, I have to say its main purpose is to ramp up tension. But it’s also a highly variable multitool that a skilled creative team can use for...pretty much anything. It does everything the writer wants it to, while for its wielder always falls just short of doing enough.

I went looking through my photos for a really generic, classic-looking example to use as an image to head this topic, but then I ran into the time Peter absolutely did not reimburse this man for his stolen McDonald’s, so have that instead.

A Scare Chord, But You Can Draw It

That one post that says the spider-sense is just super-anxiety isn’t, like, wrong. It’s a very anxious, dramatic storytelling tool originally designed for a very anxious, dramatic protagonist. I find it speaks to the overall tone of the franchise that some characters are functionally psychics, but with a psychic ability that only points out problems.

Spidey sense pinging? There’s danger, be stressed! Broken? Now the lead won’t even KNOW when there’s a problem, scary! Single character is immune to it? That’s an invisible knife in the dark oh my god what the fuck what the fU--

Like its counterpart in garden variety anxiety, the only time the spider-sense reduces tension is in the middle of a crisis. But in the wish fulfillmenty way that you want in an adventure story to justify exaggerated action sequences, the same way enhanced strength or durability does. Also like those, it would theoretically make someone much safer to have it, but it exists in the story to let your character navigate into and weather more dangerous situations.

For its basic role in a story, a danger sense is a snappy way to rile up both the reader and the protagonist that doesn’t offer much information beyond that it’s time to sit smart because shit is about to go down.

Spidey comic canon is all over the board in quality and genre, and it started needing to subvert its formulas before the creators got a handle on what those formulas even were, and basically no one has read anything approaching most of it at this point, so for consistent examples of a really bare bones use of this power in storytelling, I’d point to the property that’s done the best job yet of boiling down the mechanics of Spider-Man to their absolute most basic essentials for adaptation to a compelling monster of the week TV series.

Or as you probably know it, Danny Phantom. DON’T BOO, I’M RIGHT.

DP is Spider-Man with about 2/3 of the serial numbers filed off and no death (ironically), and Danny’s ghost sense is the most proof in the formula example of what the spidey sense is for: It’s a big sign held up for the viewer that says, “Something is wrong! Pay attention!” Effectively a visual scare chord. It’s about That Drama. And it works, which won it a consistent place in the show’s formula. We’re talking several times an episode here.

So why does it work?

It’s a little counterintuitive, but it’s strong storytelling to tell your audience that something bad is going to happen before it does. A vague, punchy spoiler transforms the ignorant calm before a conflict into a tense moment of anticipation. ...And it makes sure people don’t fail to absorb the beginning of said conflict because they weren’t prepared to shift gears when the scene did. Shock is a valuable tool, too, but treating it like a staple is how you burn out your audience instead of keeping them engaged. Not to go after an easy target, but you need to know how to manage your audience’s alarm if you don’t want to end up like Game of Thrones.

The limits of the spider-sense also keep you on your toes when handled by a smart writer. It tells Peter (everyone’s is a little different, so I’m going to cite the og) about threats to his person, but it doesn’t elaborate with any details when it’s not already obvious why, what kind, and from what. And it doesn’t warn him about anything else-- Which is a pretty critical gap when you zoom out and look at his hero career’s successes and failures and conclude that it’s definitely why he’s lived as long as he has acting the way he does, but was useless as he failed to save a string of people he’d have much rather had live on than him.

(Any long-running superhero mythos has these incidents, but with Peter they’re important to the core themes.)

And since this power is by plot for plot (or because it’s roughly agreed it only really blares about threats that check at least two boxes of being major, immediate, or physical), it always kicks in enough to register when the danger is bearing down...when it’s too late to actually do anything about it if “anything” is a more complex action than “dodge”.

Really? Not until the elevator doors started to open?

That Distinctive, Crunchy Spider Flavor

The spider-sense and its little pen squiggles go hand in hand with wallcrawling (and its unique and instantly identifiable associated body language) to make the Spider-Person powerset enduringly iconic and elevate characters with it from being generic mid-level super-bricks. Visually, but also in how it shapes the story.

I said it can share a narrative role with super strength. But when you end a fight and go home, super strength continues to make your character feel powerful, probably safer than they’d be otherwise, maybe dangerous.

The spider-sense just keeps blaring, “Something’s wrong! Something’s wrong! God, why aren’t you doing something about this!?”

Pretty morose thing to live with, for a safety net! Kind of a double edged sword you have there! Could be constantly being hyperattuned to problems would prime you for a negative outlook on life. Kind of seems like a power that would make it impossible for a moral person to take a day off, leading them into a beleaguered and resentful yet dutiful attitude about the whole superhero gig! Might build up to some of the core traits of this mythos, maybe! Might lead to a lot of fifteen minute retirement stories, or something. Might even be a built in ‘great responsibility’ alarm that gets you a main character who as a rule is not going to stop fighting until he physically cannot fight anymore.

Certainly not apropos of anything, just throwing this short lived barely-a-joke tagline up for fun.

One of my personal favorite things about stories with superpowers is keeping in mind how they cause the people who have them to act in unusual ways outside of fights, so when you tell me that these people have an entire extra sense that tells them when the gas in their house is leaking through a barely useful hot/cold warning system that never turns off, I’m like, eyes emojis, popcorn out, notebook open, listening intently, spectacles on, the whole deal.

It also contributes to Peter Parker’s personality in a way I really enjoy: It allows him to act like an irrational maniac. When you know exactly when a situation becomes dangerous and how much, normal levels of caution go out the window and absolutely nothing you do makes sense from an exterior standpoint anymore. That’s the good shit. I would like to see more exploration of how the non-Parker characters experiencing the world in this incredibly altered way bounce in response.

It’s also one of many tools in this franchise hauling the reader into relating more closely with the main character. The backbone of classic Spidey is probably being in on secrets only Peter and the reader know which completely reframe how one views the situation on the page. It’s just a big irony mine for the whole first decade. A convenient way to inform the reader and the lead that something is bad news that’s not perceivable to any other characters is youth-with-a-big-exciting-secret catnip.

Another point for tension, there, in that being aware of danger is not synonymous with being able to act on it. If there’s no visible reason for you to be acting strange, well...you’re just going to have to sit tight and sweat, aren’t you? Some gratuitous head wiggles never hurt when setting up that type of conflict.

Have I mentioned that they look cool? Simultaneously punchy and distinctive, with a respectable amount of leeway for artists to get creative with and still coming up with something easily recognizable? And pretty easy to intuit the meaning of even without the long-winded explanations common in the days when people wrote comics with the intent that someone could come in cold on any random issue and follow along okay, I think, although the mechanic has been deeply ingrained in popular culture for so long that I can’t really say for sure.

It was also useful back in the day when no artists drew the eyes on the Spider-Man mask as emoting and were conveying the lead’s expressions entirely through body language and panel composition. If you wiggle enough squiggles, you don’t need eyebrows.

Take This Handwave and Never Ask Me a Logistical Question Again

This ability patches plot holes faster than people can pick them open AND it can act as an excuse to get any plot rolling you can think of if paired with one meddling protagonist who doesn’t know how to mind their own business. Buy it now for only $19.99 (in four installments; that’s four installments of $19.99).

Why can a teenager win a six on one fight against other superhumans? Well, the spider-sense is the ultimate edge in combat, duh.

Why can Peter websling? Why doesn’t everyone websling? Well, the spider-sense is keeping him from eating flagpole when he violently flings himself across New York in a way neither man nor spider was ever meant to move.

How are we supposed to get him involved with the plot this week???? Well, that crate FELT dangerous, so he’s going to investigate it. Oh, dip, it was full of guns and radioactive snakes! Probably shouldn’t have opened that!

Yeah, okay, but why isn’t it fixing everything, then? Isn’t it supposed to be why Peter has never accidentally unmasked in front of somebody? ('Nother entry for this section, take a shot.) That’s crazy sensitive! How does he still have any problems!? Is everything bad that’s ever happened to characters with this powerset bad writing!? --Listen, I think as people with uncanny senses that can tell us whether we are in danger with accuracy that varies from incredible to approximate (I am talking about the five senses that most people have), we should all know better than to underestimate our ability to tune them out or interpret them wrong and fuck ourselves up anyway. I honestly find this part completely realistic.

*SLAPS ROOF OF SPIDER-SENSE* YOU CAN FIT SO MANY STORIES IN THIS THING

The spider-sense is a clean branch into...whatever. There is the exact right balance of structure and wishy-washiness to build off of. A sample selection of whatevers that have been built:

It’s sci-fi and spy gadgets when Peter builds technology that can interface with it.

It’s quasi-mystical when Kaine and Annie-May get stronger versions of it that give them literal psychic visions, or when you want to get mythological and start talking about all the spider-characters being part of a grand web of fate.

Kaine loses his and it becomes symbolic of a future newly unbound by constraints, entangled thematically with the improved physical health he picked up at the same time -- a loss presented as a gain.

Peter loses his and almost dies 782 times in one afternoon because that didn’t make the people he provoked when he had it stop trying to kill him, and also because he isn’t about to start “””taking the subway’’””’ “‘’“”to work”””’’” like some kind of loser who doesn’t get a heads up when he’s about to hit a pigeon at 50mph.

Peter’s starts tuning into his wife’s anxiety and it’s a tool in a relationship study.

It starts pinging whenever Peter’s near his boss who’s secretly been replaced by a shapeshifter and he IGNORES IT because his boss is enough of an asshole that that doesn’t strike him as weird; now it’s a comedy/irony tool.

Into the Spider-Verse made it this beautiful poetic thing connecting all the spider-heroes in the multiverse and stacked up a story on it about instant connection, loss, and incredibly unlikely strangers becoming a found family. It was also aesthetic as FUCK. Remember the scene where Miles just hears barely intelligible whispering that’s all lines people say later in the film and then his own voice very clearly says “look out” and then the room explodes?? Fuck!!!!

Venom becomes immune to it after hitchhiking to Earth in Peter’s bone juice and it makes him a unique threat while telling a more-homoerotic-than-I-assume-was-originally-intended story about violation and how close relationships can be dangerous when they go sour.

It doesn’t work on people you trust for maximum soap opera energy. Love the innate tragedy of this feature coming up.

IN CONCLUSION I don’t have much patience for writers who don’t take advantage of it, never mind feel they need to write around it.

[t4tlawlight]

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia. 

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your  feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits. 

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks: 

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date: 

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly. 

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda. 

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don’t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways. 

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles, 

he tosses it between his hands, 

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3). 

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father.  Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi.  Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them. 

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun. 

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.” 

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

[physicalturian]

[G] Gentle summer - Rengoku Kyojuro x GN!Reader - Part 6

[Contains spoilers from the movie, and the manga] [No pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18]

Words : 11 444

Archive of our own

Warnings : Mention of death / Mention of people getting killed GRAPHIC / Gore / Trauma / Fighting / Wounds / Blood / Lust

--- Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 -

The abruptness of the interruption on that night did not give me time to think, to ponder, nor to reflect on anything. With my crow in tow, I ran to the entrance of the village and grabbed the traveling necessities that were waiting for me with my sword. I took a few minutes to get changed in a proper slayer attire before letting myself be guided by Maro. It was an affectionate name I had given to the black bird that was now helping me find my way to where I was awaited.

Upon passing the final selection for the slayer training, they had provided each of the finalists with a bird. Most of them were crows; that was the only species I had met until crossing paths with the young Zenitsu who had been granted a sparrow. And like a sparrow, I was running at a fast pace to reach my mission point in time. Maro kept repeating the village name, it was the furthest I had ever been dispatched but considering that most of the Pillars were at the mansion, I was sent where none were. And, while I was sent alone and it felt odd to not be accompanied by another slayer, something else was on my mind on my way to the village where recruits were stuck.

I did not know how long it took me to reach the village, for I was lost in thoughts of what was happening somewhere else.

Earlier tonight, when our crows announced each of our missions, I had felt my heart sink. Not only because I was separated from the one person I wanted nothing more but to embrace and keep close, but also because the hidden swordsmith village was under attack. If they had been found out, it meant the Butterfly Mansion could be at risk, it could be next. While I knew my orders, I kept feeling a pull, a need to go back and follow Rengoku to help the swordsmiths. Then, I could hear words echoing in my mind, “As long as we put our duty first,” was the only condition that had befallen upon us if the Fire Pillar and I wanted to be together.

I tried arguing with myself, while still making my way to the recruits, that it was not for Kyojuro that I wanted to go there. It was to help, to not feel useless while running through fields to find the shortest paths to reach the recruits’ village. Slowly, my inner turmoil was won over by my logic; the Pillars were assembled where the attack had occurred, I knew it. It was the obvious strategy they would have gone with, and there was no way they would lose. Yes, they will win, they are strong, I tried to convince myself. An image of Rengoku’s smile flashed in my head, my throat tightened in sorrow and worry started plaguing my mind. Perhaps I should go back to help, I thought. Foolish questions, that did not help said worry, started flooding my mind; were his wounds healed properly? Will he arrive in time? Is the attack a bait to get him there and to have Akaza finish what he started?

While those thoughts plagued my mind, I did not stop moving. Shortcuts were taken to get there faster, the urge to turn around and go back was very present at each turn that I took. But perhaps it was more the urge to join him in that battle and make sure he would come out of it unscathed.

But I never did.

I ran the entire night, only stopping to catch my breath and to make sure no one was following me. It took a toll on my body, my feet were killing me, so were my lungs and my throat, but having been trained by Gyomei gave me the endurance some lacked. The festival had long since been forgotten and as the sun started rising, I could catch a glimpse on the horizon of the familiar architecture of a village. Approaching it, a small sign where the words “Nakusaki Village” were written, greeted me. Relief flooded my body as I slowed down my pace and gripped the handle of my sword tight, calming my breath.

When I entered the village, it was deserted, not as welcoming as the well-carved wooden sign at the entrance. At least, that is what I thought at first. While I walked carefully along the paths, I could see people peeking from behind closed shutters, the faint draft of whispers echoing. I could not understand what was being said, but fear had made its way to all the inhabitants of this place, which only made them more appealing to the demon that had nested itself somewhere around.

Since the sun was rising, if the demon was still alive it had to be hiding somewhere dark. Upon thinking that exact thought, I noticed railway wagons that led to a mine. It did not take much brain to know this was the perfect hiding place for those cursed beings. Without needing much courage, I stepped forth and entered the dark place, hyper aware of my surroundings all while calming my breathing. I was welcomed by screams of terror and horrid sounds of something being ripped apart. Letting my mind wander to scenarios of what could be happening, was not smart, I had to stay focused, and that is what I did. My light, almost inaudible steps contrasted with the deafening screams that resonated against the small walls of the mine.

It took me some time to find the right path to reach what I could only describe as a lair from how wretched it smelled and how cozy it seemed for the demon. Right in front of me was hovering over the horrified look of one of the youngest recruits, a humanoid-shaped demon. It possessed a huge tail with a sharp teeth-filled mouth at the end. A water-like pattern was adorning the length of it until it met the base of its lower back. From there, it looked like the skin was breaking. It looked like cracks painted all over its hide skin. Could it be that it is dying already? It is not a lower-moon six, nor is it a high-moon either. It is weak…

When its clawed hand reached out for the head of the recruit, I sped towards it and cut its hand before grabbing the man and pulling him out of the demon’s reach. Morishita Daisuke was the distraught slayer’s name. He was only a few years younger than I was, but the difference in experience between the both of us was a lot larger than the years separating us. “Either be a bait and bring him out, or get out-“ with a shaky voice and while stammering, he shook his head. “I can’t, there are others scattered in the mine, we need to find them!”

Nodding in reply, I avoided hits from the demon in front of me and gritted through my teeth, “Very well, let’s take him down first. Then we will find them-“ My speech was cut short when the demon sped behind Daisuke and grabbed him by the hair, making the man yelp in pain. “It’s not very nice to make plans without me- a bit cocky to even think you can defeat me,” He leaned in, his tongue out in a disgusting fashion as the recruit tried to pry its hand away from his hair. Slowly, the demon lifted him off the ground and dove to bite his neck. I reacted fast and flashed forward, cutting the hand holding Daisuke up, making him drop the slayer without having much say in it. It grew back.

A thud echoed when the young recruit’s knees hit the ground, he rushed to the walls of the mine to get out of my way, a hand covering his neck and his mouth. “You are pestering me, it is good, it makes the weakling more fearful. That will give him more flavor!” It exclaimed happily, clapping its huge hands together as its eyes wandered all over Daisuke’s body before suddenly looking at me. It was inhumane, the way it turned its head at almost 180°, but I was in no way fearful. “Perhaps I should make you struggle in front of him, you are his elder, are you not? I can see the way your eyes-“ It snapped its claws in front of me, I did not blink. Nor did I flinch. I do not think it saw the way I clenched my hand around the handle of my sword, but I did, ready to attack.

It approached me suddenly, yet in a manner that showed it had perfect control over its body. There were no useless motions, only calculated ones. Its face was now right in front of mine, “You are not afraid- it wouldn’t be fun to eat you right now…” The veins on its head were prominent, and blood was falling from the side of its monstrous mouth. The demon’s tone fell, “I will play with you a bit more, make you scream, make you cry for help, make you talk. You are not very talkative-“ “It is quite hard to have a conversation when one is keen on doing all the talking, would you not say, demon?”

It sucked its teeth, its tongue drawing over each of them as a threatening smile made its way on its face. “Let’s be polite, we are the same, are we not? Just a different diet. I am Masahiro, pleased to meet you-“ It laughed loudly after saying so, not believing a word it had sputtered. A hand on its stomach, another on its head, it leaned back laughing, “It was a good one- oh it was good, as if I wanted to know any of you. You do not ask your steak what its name is-“ “You are right, that would lead to empathy. This is where we differ. Emotions. Living beings feel them, a large range too. Not just… insatiable hunger,”

Its eyes widened for a second, before smirking. I did not let it speak, I had encountered enough demons to know what was going on, “Because the hunger you feel, is insatiable. It will only grow and grow and grow- until only one thing can stop it. But you will never get it, you are too weak for him,” I changed the grip on my sword, watching the demon falter for a second. All it did in response was laugh once again before reaching for Daisuke, but the slayer fought back and cut its arm off before running far from the creature, it caught Masahiro off guard. “I have met demons like you. Desperate to prove themselves to Muzan… To obtain more of his blood,” I trailed off, feeling the anger seeping from the demon standing in front of me.

It suddenly moved to crawl on the walls before standing on the ceiling where beams were keeping everything stable. One wrong move, one hit too strong and it could all come tumbling down. “Such a talkative steak, I guess I’ll eat you unseasoned-“ With a firm tone, I continued, “They either crumble in tears, begging to die, unable to take more of his blood or-“ The demon jumped from the ceiling and towards me, mouth wide open, his expression turned enraged and desperate at the same time. That demon was weak; if my words were so quick to irate it, it was not meant to be in the ranks of Muzan, far from it.

As it jumped, I bent my knees for more stability and slashed its head with ease. It did not scream, but I knew it was still alive for a few minutes, so I continued, “Or they act desperately, getting in over their head and making the silliest mistakes from letting their emotions take over,” I stated, wiping my sword on its inanimate body as Daisuke skewered the demon’s head on his sword, “You were turned recently; if not, you would have known demons are indeed still very humane. At least parts of them… The emotions are there, your main traits as human are stronger when turned. And I was able to bait you because you were weak, desperate for praise, desperate to belong,” I gestured for Daisuke to follow me. We made our way outside, the demon’s head still on the recruit’s sword while I dragged its body.

Tears started rolling down the demon’s disintegrating face. Its expression was grimaced as it uttered, “I failed them, please find my siblings- she took them, the fox-mask demon in… the mine, please,” Its mouth was no more, and soon enough, the rest of its head followed as it disappeared into dust. The sun had done its job and until it was time for the moon to take its spot in the sky, we had to prepare for more demons to come out of the mine later.

Before doing anything too draining, I took care of Daisuke’s wound, making sure he would not bleed out. The wound was not deep which made the treatment easier. I then knocked on the villagers’ doors to tell them they could come out for a few hours until sunset. It took some convincing, but with the right arguments they listened to me. I was provided paper, ink and a pen upon my request and quickly drafted the beginning of a report before folding it and putting it in my bag. After that, I was on the move with Daisuke as we ventured inside the mine to find the right path for the fox-masked demon.

All the paths we took led to nothing. Some led to cul-de-sacs, others to the open air. We had to come and go out of the mine to get some fresh air and eat, all the while drawing a map of all our twists and turns. I was no mapmaker, but Daisuke was worse. I had assigned him on lamp duty, he also had the responsibility of paying a lot more attention to the smell, in case gas leaked.

Around 4PM, we came out of the mine for good to have dinner with the villagers. They were kind and welcoming, guiding us back inside and thanking us for our work. Little did we know a routine would settle from all of this.

We had planned on waiting outside of the mine for the demon to come out; both Daisuke and I were taking turns keeping an eye out in case it showed its face. It never did that night. It left us confused as the sun slowly rose, the villagers fast asleep while we stood at the entrance with a frown. “Do you think it left?” He asked, but it was more to find logic out of this confusing behavior than to hope. “Daisuke, make yourself comfortable, we have a playful demon on our hands. We will keep looking for the other members, and hope for the best,” I stated as I guided him back inside, scoffing mentally at my mention of hope.

Now safe thanks to the sunshine, we prepared ourselves to go back to the mine on the second day, ready to look for the missing recruits. Before leaving, I took some time for myself to update my report before pulling out a new piece of paper and starting,

July 3rd

Dear Kyojuro,

I have come to the realization that this mission might last longer than initially expected, I cannot express how painful it feels to not be by your side the demon I am facing is tricky, but I will defeat it and bring back our recruits alive and well.

My heart feels heavy after parting from you at the fireworks viewing, I must admit I crave for your touch I enjoyed myself greatly and hope to see you soon. I miss your warmth at nightDaisuke has nightmares and is loud at night, but I am helping him the best I can… It helps him when I sing and it reminds me of you.

I do recall you had been summoned upon the attack on the blacksmith village on the night of our departure, no one could have predicted this happening.

Many scenarios plague my mind, worrisome ones. You are strong, and so are the other Pillars, yet it would relieve me greatly to hear from you, to hear that you are doing well…

Tell me you won,

Thinking of you, always,

Songbird…

Folding both the papers, I wrote Master Ubuyashiki’s name on the report, and Rengoku’s, on the personal letter addressed to him.

The days that followed were the same, none were fruitful in finding the fox-masked demon nor the recruits. The village welcomed us even if I could sense that everyone was tense, vigilant, afraid. Those latter feelings only made the situation worse, knowing the appeal it had for demons to see fearful preys. Daisuke showed great optimism and bravery, he reassured the villagers to the best of his abilities and made them laugh at dinner to lighten the mood. As bad as it was to think as such, I knew Rengoku would have done a great job at giving those people hope. At reassuring them… at reassuring me.

My hopes in finding the recruits alive were slim, but seeing Daisuke’s hope, or perhaps despair, pushed me to keep looking. While his actions and words displayed confidence, he could not hide the way his eyes flickered at every sound or the way they would fill with pure fear when we would come across another dead-end. Perhaps the demon has taken a liking to them, perhaps they are not dead… yes, perhaps.

July 8th

Dear Kyojuro,

I have not heard from you since I have written my first letter, I hope you are well. You must have heard of my daily reports at the estate, nothing was going as planned, until today!

We have found two recruits. It is an odd situation for it seems they were released purposedly… I must investigate deeper into the matter, but it matters not to you, I am ranting.

I find myself sleeping poorly without your presence. It sounds foolish, but I really miss you Tonight I will be sleeping with the two recruits alongside Daisuke, it is going to be an eventful night. I will not hold their hands while they sleep, but I will keep an eye on them. I wish I was holding your hand.

Have you ever thought of retiring? Without many people to talk to, my thoughts often drift to the end of this war… I can imagine myself at peace, with you by my side, maybe a dog as our loyal companion? I have never asked you which you preferred, dogs or cats? I long to talk with you again, for more time with you…

I long to hear your voice too, your laughter I miss the most…

Write to me, I am a wreck riddled with worry I can’t sleep at night, I fear I will receive a letter stating you passed I am bad at writing, I realize not all thoughts that cross my mind must be written, but I do miss you greatly.

I must say, I always believed I had a gift for writing but when it comes to you, all I want to write is that I yearn for your touch, that you are my one that you are wonderful, and oh so handsome…

Please, write to me my love

Thinking of you, always

Songbird

Days passed in a flash. With more people to cover the ground, one would think it would have been easier to find the remaining slayers, but all we found was the remains of one. There was nothing we could do upon stumbling over the maimed body on the floor but drag it out of the cave and bury it the best we could with the help of the villagers. We made sure to put a stone on the ground where the body was buried, to later move it for a proper burial on the grounds of the estate where Master Ubuyashiki could pray.

I did not get wind of any activity from the estate during those fast-passing days, no letter, no coded message, no crow sent my way, nothing. My hope faltered, the scenario in which the man I loved did not survive was now the one I thought was the most probable. I hated it. My guts were churning, and I could feel my determination waver too. Because of that, I made sure to force myself not to think about anything but the demon in the village.

On the morning of the twelfth, my heart jumped in my chest as my gaze settled on the incoming crow in the sky. It was not Master Ubuyashiki’s, this one seemed more familiar somehow. I watched it fly around a moment before it took notice of me and dove to set itself on my forearm. Taking the paper attached to its feet, I gave it a treat before slithering back inside and waving it off before hurrying to open the paper. My hands were gripping the letter tight as I read,

12th July

My dearest, we won,

I must apologize profoundly for not writing to you earlier, we have been assigned the training of the recruits. It does take quite the toll on the body to take care of the young minds! They are so lively and determined, all a great addition to the corps.

I read your letters over and over, trying to find the words Your letters made me the happiest man on earth, I am deeply grateful for your kind words and share your sentiments. Oh, to be the young Daisuke and to be sung to sleep by your gentle voice… It has been so long since I have heard you sing, and since I have held you close to me, I want you.

Eternity by your side sounds delectable I am sure we could settle somewhere quiet once this is over. Shall we start thinking of a name for our future life companion? It is an activity better kept for when you are by my side again, I cannot wait for your return, to take a good look at your beauty and relish in it, to have you flustered against me upon feeling my touch come home to me soon!

Tell me my darling, would you prefer to live in the lively city or the countryside? I’d like to think that sunsets are best enjoyed in the countryside, it would give me more opportunities to drown in your caresses without the gaze of people the quiet will find us better there too.

Patiently waiting for you return,

Thinking of you, always,

K. Rengoku

I had not realized I had been crying until the paper had been tainted a few tones darker by my tears. Hurriedly, I wiped them with a laugh of relief. Leaning on the wall, with only my shoulder resting against it, I took some more time to read everything all over, trying to decipher what had been scribbled out. Moving towards the window, I brought the paper higher under the light to maybe see through the ink and felt my cheeks warm up at the words I could read. It did not take long for my brain to think,what if he had done the same? What if he could see under what I scribbled out?

Just like Kyojuro, I had not been as meticulous as I could have been in writing my feelings. With the number of thoughts that had been crossing my mind, it had taken me a few tries to write the proper words, those that were not too much but still portrayed how I felt for the swordsman. My main struggle in writing down what I felt, was keeping to myself the word ‘love’. I suppose if he did not mention anything, it means he did not manage to read under the ink, maybe he did not even try, I thought.

To tell him that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life by his side would have come across too strong. I also surprised myself when the thought of sitting on my very own veranda on a winter night with a warm drink in hand felt the most attractive with him by my side.

The final product of our effort seemed clean enough for an exchange between friends, lovers, but never would it be accepted as a report. As I read his words again, the smile on my face never left. I started daydreaming for a few seconds before being snatched out of said daydream by the recruits telling me it was time to continue the search party.

Their spirit was not deterred in the slightest, even after days without finding anyone or any clue. Today and the following one, however, had turned into something closer to a chase. A game of a sort, trying to find where the sound was coming from.

When we stepped inside the familiar dark grotto, the voice of something tenebrous resonated. It did not seem to come from one specific spot which made it harder to pinpoint. Because of that, it took us around an hour to finally find where the sound was coming from. There in front of me was another young recruit, Hana I believe was her name. She seemed frightened but not starved, which was odd considering the length of time she had stayed inside the mine. In the darkness, right behind her, something moved and dug underground before disappearing.

When it was gone, I rushed to her side and helped her stand, dusting off the dirt from her form and whistling for everyone to come out, signaling I had found something.

This was on the day of the 14th of July. That sight, of a demon helping one of our recruits out, was what bewildered me the most and made me reconsider my next steps. That demon did not have the fox mask, which means it was not the one we were looking for. Perhaps one of its lackeys had taken pity on the members of the corps? I wrote down my thoughts in my report, not missing a detail before finishing it and deciding to send a letter back to Rengoku.

14th July

Dear Kyojuro,

I have never been more relieved to see your crow than I was a few nights ago when it delivered your letter. I was finally able to sleep Knowing that you are alive and well made most of my worries disappear. I cannot help but still think of your safety while away, for now knowing you are alive will suffice.

Reading your enthusiasm to be sung to sleep brought a smile to my face, I promise I will sing to you once more when we see each other again. How are you sleeping? How is your wound? I must say, I miss waking up to your beautiful golden gaze and the warmth it brings to be the object of your attention… Of your desire Sometimes I dream of losing myself in those fiery eyes as I lean in to kiss you

The countryside seems like the best choice. The fresh air will be more than welcome after long nights spent together… great for our battle-tired bodies. I am sure we will need an enormous garden, or a vast field nearby, for our future companion.

On a bolder note… I do miss the way your hair feels against my cheeks when you lean in for a kiss… And to have your hands on my body in mine at night, to feel your body against mine as you hold me close, is what I crave. Wilder, more wishful, more sinful thoughts crossed my mind, but I would feel inappropriate sharing them at the moment…

Do not overexert yourself. If I find out you overdid it, I will come in running and put you to rest myself!

Thinking of you, always

Your songbird

As I folded the letter properly, I already started regretting the latter words I had written. Had I been too bold? But then again, from the scribbled-out words, he felt the same and it made me smile knowing so. Stepping towards my bag, I dove my hand in to find some twine to tie the letter but was met with a piece of paper.

Pulling it out, I was struck with remembrance of the fireworks night; it was the paper the artist had given me. From the rush I was in that night, I had forgotten to take a look at it. Curious, I unfolded the parchment and felt my heart soar at the sight. She had drawn us getting prepared, me in front of him taming his hair as he gazed at me with a loving look, at least that is how I saw it. His hands were resting on my hips and mine were in his hair, both of us smiling stupidly.

While I felt pure happiness seeing that picture, it was also accompanied by nostalgia and longing. To return by his side and have him close to me, I needed to find that demon and take it down. It fueled a certain determination in my being, but the confusion the demon’s behavior brought did not leave.

A meeting with the recruits had been organized to talk about what we would do next.

That day, while still being vigilant outside the mine, we did not go back inside. If our theory was right, the demon was keeping them alive. The reason for it was unknown, but Hana told us she was certain other recruits were talking inside the mine, she could hear the echo of their voice from where she was kept. From that, we planned our next move.

The following days, it was in the early morning that Kyojuro’s bird flew in with a reply. I was surprised by the rapid reply, yet was filled with immense joy upon reading it while having breakfast.

16thJuly

My heart,

I hope the weather is fine and you are well. For my part, I could use a warm bath, with you, from how tiring it is to train so intensely daily. The training is going smoothly. However, I must have been too hard on the trainees seeing some have broken in tears. Or perhaps it was the pressure from having, a few hours prior, been training with Sanemi? I wonder…

I will hold you to your promise of singing to me upon your return! The excitement is already present. Your gentle face, next to mine, wordlessly calling for my hand to caress it… Do not be fooled, I will cave in and do as it calls.

Your boldness surprised me in the most agreeable way… It would be a lie to say I did not feel the same. You are the first thought in my cloudy mind when I wake up, my heart and body long for you and your touch. I dream of your return safe and sound. I ache to trace my fingers on your disrobed back while you shiver, expectant and as beautiful as the first time I laid my eyes on you.

I wish I could see you at this very moment. Flustered, gaze askance, making sure no one is seeing what you are seeing… I like knowing you think of me almost as much as I do.

Would you care for a date in those fields we would own? I would gladly take you there every day, every morning if you so desire! We would lay a blanket on the ground and enjoy one another, in silence if that is your wish. I cannot promise I will stay silent, however.

Our companion would be running around, hunting, something we would have long since retired from. Oh, the dreams I have for you and me! I must share them with you at once, but the distance separating us prevents me from doing so… Come back, I miss you.

Perhaps I will exert myself if it’ll make you rush by my side… I am being playful! I do miss you dearly and hope you are well, not hurt and doing good.

When do you think you will come home?

Longing for you, always,

K. Rengoku.

He was absolutely right. I needed to fan my face upon reading his words, clearing my throat to try to compose myself. If I read it all again, I knew I would start chuckling like a fool at how enticing it all was. I was aware of his charms when I was with him, his subtle touches and his discrete smiles. Or even those mischievous glances here and there when there were other people around. But without those, he could only rely on his words, and he was awfully good with them. Even without body language, the man had me warm all over.

I stashed the letter away safely. There was no time right now to write him back, but I was planning on doing so soon.

The finding of the picture from the festival brought me a great deal of comfort. Every day I would look at it and be reminded of what was waiting for me ‘home’. But every day I would look at it, I would also be reminded of those light-hearted promises we were making of a nearby future, one after defeating Muzan. I was starting to find comfort in it, and it scared me.

With a sigh, I got ready for another day in the mines.

On the eighteenth, we encountered another demon in the mine. Daisuke was with the two recruits we had found at the beginning of the mission while I was paired with Hana. We got caught by surprise when, without any warning, without any sound, we got pushed forward. Both stumbling down and falling to our knees, we scurried to our feet and were now back-to-back, swords drawn out.

She worriedly asked me what we should do, her voice unwavering but draped in anguish. “It saw us without the light, which means we are at a disadvantage. We are going to need to use other senses than sight-“ I winced when I felt stinging pain from the middle of my back to the side of my hip. I couldn’t see much but knew the demon must have clawed me when pushing us. Dawdling on it would do no good, I had to stay focused on what I could do. “You must have trained with the Stone Pillar, correct?” She nodded, making a small sound of agreement. “Close your eyes, take a deep breath and focus on sensing its presence more than on seeing it. Feel it, sense it, hear it,” I paused, huffing a laugh, “Smell it if you will, young Tanjiro does so,” I said softly.

It made her laugh which was reassuring. If she found the strength to laugh at this, it meant she was not as stressed as I thought her to be. Or that it was a nervous laugh.

A deadly silence slowly set in. The only sound that echoed from time to time was the metallic one of our hands moving our swords in the hope of slashing the beast that was lurking in the shadow. A few attempts failed to succeed, making us think even more about our next move. I did not know what it looked like, only that it relied on darkness to have the upper hand. Was the demon perhaps bad at close-hand combat? Or feared the light? Those were my only theories.

“If I had known darkness was you slayers’ weakness, you would have been taken out a lot sooner,” The voice travelled from each of our sides, making it weirder when we could hear it on two opposite ends of the cave. “Well, well, well, look who it is! I recognize your smell,” Its voice dropped, then I heard Hana yelp before she exclaimed, “I got it! I’m holding it by the throat- I think?” she said unsure. It has approached her, remembering what her fear smelled like.

At that very moment, I felt something next to me and reached out for it with my hand, gripping it tight. It was harder than human skin, but still malleable. “I hope we are holding the same thing, because I am also touching something and-“ I started, a sardonic laugh interrupted me, it came from above. Then joined in other laughter, more constricted ones. This time it was coming from the things we were gripping tight. “Boo!” Another voice boomed next to me, I let go of the thing I was holding and gripped my sword tighter, brandishing it and taking a deep breath, “So, you are not alone,” I stated.

“You can put two and two together! Unexpected from the fools who cannot for the life of them defend themselves in complete darkness,” It scoffed condescendingly. Matching its attitude, I kept my back against Hana’s and changed the position of my sword, “Tell me, how did you come up with that conclusion?” I asked, my tone calculated. Being at a disadvantage for now put me in a dreadful situation, but while the demon thought we were useless in the dark, we knew what to do. I nudged Hana with my elbow for her to pay attention, “Our senses are trained, we hear better,” Listen “You keep talking, yapping,” I’ll keep talking, “Giving us more time to come up with a plan,” I came up with a plan. Laughing loudly, I moved brusquely, the sound of the lantern on the ground gone unnoticed from my forced laugh.

“Pay close attention,” I really hoped she was paying attention and getting what I was hinting at, “It is obvious you find comfort in utter darkness, which points out the obvious weakness, not only of the sun, but also of… fire,” At my word, Hana smashed the lantern on the ground, splattering the oil and setting it ablaze with the remaining weak flame.

The room lit up and we could see the demon’s face, or faces, finally. Surprise adorned our features when we were met with familiar faces. Three of them, sticking out of the wall, the ground and the ceiling. Those faces, from missing recruits, were attached to long necks that disappeared in the stone, but all led to what looked like a beating heart on the upper corner of the cave.

Noticing we had seen its heart, the demon attacked in a wild manner, reaching for us. Hana reacted first by using her Mountain breathing and slicing its heads fast. I had now approached the living, beating organ. Fire was making the room hotter by the second, I was sweating and had started breathing more raggedly. “Its heads grew back!” She exclaimed.

Not losing time, I slashed the organ, earning a pained scream from the demon. It started insulting us over and over, while I called for Hana in a distraught fashion. She rushed to my side, her face dirtied from the mines and the soot from the fire.

“Three of them, they were in its stomach? We need to get them out of here quickly-“ “I can carry two of them! You are wounded, so I’ll carry two out,” Hana hurriedly said as we pulled them out of the stomach-like pouch. They were slimy and smelled atrociously, but there was no time to be squeamish at such a drastic time. I then helped set the passed-out people on her back and made sure she was steady before carrying the last one on my back. “Let’s hurry, we should have someone rush down here to take out the fire,”

With that, we made our way out but not before slashing the demon one last time to make sure it was dead. We even dragged what we could see of the body, in the fire, to quicken the process.

Each step I took made my back hurt, I could feel the blood dripping to my side and my head getting dizzy, but I held on until we reached the outside of the mine. Both Hana and I fell to our knees upon feeling the fresh air; we carefully laid the recruits on the ground. The villagers did not think twice before running towards us, helping us get everyone inside. It was still day, which was reassuring. Hana still sent her crow inside the mine to call back the other slayers.

We ended today’s search on a high note. Three more recruits had been found; two had woken up, one did not make it.

I was lucky to have made it out conscious with the blood loss I had endured. The village’s doctor treated my wound with care, it’s only when he was done that I let myself relax and fell asleep. Two other recruits were sleeping in the same room I was sleeping in, I would only realize that when I’d wake up a few days later.

Haruka, one of the latest recruits we had found, was sitting by my side, writing his report. “Help me up,” I voiced, perhaps too sternly from how panicked his expression turned. Nodding, he scurried and put his own pillow behind my back. “I will call the doctor!” He exclaimed. I grabbed his arm with force before he could rush off, “Can I use your stationary? I would like to write my report,” and to write to my lover, but that was left unsaid.

He seemed confused but nodded, moving it my way. “I will tell old man Fumihiro to come-“ Chuckling, I cut him off, “SirFumihiro, he is your elder, is he not?”

The younger recruit’s face flushed red, “He said we could call him that, I am sorry,” He apologized so formally, I did not have the energy to tell him he could be more familiar. Instead, I dismissed him and started writing.

19thJuly

Kyojuro, my sun

I hope this letter finds you well. I truly feel your need for a bath right now, I could use one myself. Piping hot water would be submerging our enlaced bodies, your welcoming arms around my form… More sinful thoughts could be written, but I do not share your lack of fear of being inappropriate…

Far from me the idea of worrying you, thus I will first tell you I am well. We have found three more recruits, but the details do not matter… I was wounded, it will definitely leave a scar, but scars have some charm, do they not? Please tell me you like them

We were in the mines with Hana when we got caught off guard, the demon had the upper hand for a moment and managed to leave a gash scratch on my back. I am perfectly fine now, but I do not wish for you to fret. After all, I must take example of your formidable form and push through it, would you not agree?

Your letter left me a flustered mess; I will confess. If you must know, you are also my first thought in the morning… I could almost feel your fingers on my skin as I read your words.

I can imagine training left you a sweaty mess, I wish I was by your side to wash that untamable mane of yours. Is it sensitive? Would you like it if I pulled your hair? I hope you comb your hair! It would be a shame to have to shave it all off. I am joking, of course.

To help me fall asleep, I imagine us somewhere where the sun is high, and shade would be provided by an old willow tree. You would look the most beautiful with the moving shadows of leaves on your pretty face. How soothing the thought is, simply upon writing it… Do you think a painter would follow us on our adventures? To keep great memories from the places we would go to. Or should we train our painting skills a bit more?

A thought to ponder…

A date in a field with you by my side would be more than what I could hope for. I can already imagine dandelions adorning your hair from simply laying in the grass like the mad man that you are. It would be my greatest joy to take my time and remove them one by one. I would even go as far as call it an opportunity! For what you may ask, ah well… To run my fingers through your hair…

Maybe to let them trail to your neck, your shoulders… Helping your sleeves off your shoulders and pressing the faintest kiss on them. I will let your imagination do the rest, but I would suggest you wear a kimono on that date. For the heat would be unbearable, at best and excruciating if you put some thoughts into it.

This letter is getting longer than I expected. The things you do to my poor mind, it is filled with only thoughts of you and your gentle voice. One could lose themselves in those thoughts.

I cannot wait to return to you, to talk about the dreams you have for us.

If everything goes well, I will leave the village in two more weeks, at best.

Two more weeks until I see that familiar, kind, warm face of yours.

Yearning for you, always

Songbird.

As I sealed the letter, a weight settled in my stomach. Rengoku was not the type of man to leave someone simply for having a scar, I knew that. But I couldn’t stop thinking of how he mentioned trailing his finger over my back, and now that it had been wounded, he might not find it as appealing.

My hand trailed to the bandage around my form, slowly sliding to the highest point where it began before reaching the lowest one, on my hip. “It shows I have a tale to tell, and that I survived,” I said out loud, trying to convince myself. I was correct, but insecurities did not always make sense. You could not reason with them. So, instead of thinking more about it, I covered myself and wrote my report.

Soon after, the doctor entered my room and changed my bandages.

The moment I started arguing I could go back to the search party, I felt like Kyojuro when I told him to stay in bed. It made me chuckle for a moment, that is until the doctor threatened to tie me to the bed if I did not cooperate.

“Very well, can I least get dressed? To prepare the proper funeral for…” the dead one, the one that did not make it, the one I failed.

“A team of yours came here yesterday to bring the two bodies back to-“ He paused, not knowing where they were to be brought to. “Back where they’re supposed to be buried, I suppose…” He trailed off. From the look in his eyes, I could almost feel the sadness coming from him. A kind and empathic man stood in front of me, one that wondered what he did wrong for such a tragedy to befall his village.

Reaching for his hand, I shook it gently, “They knew it could happen, as awful as it sounds… Their family will be announced their passing soon, there is nothing you could have done or can do, now,” I had not realized how much seeing those two recruits die meant to me. I had not realized I felt responsible for them. We had been searching, day after day, drowning ourselves in work so much that I never had time to ponder more.

The stupidest “ifs” started crossing my mind, hypothetical things that could have changed the course of their life. What if we had kept searching during the night? What if I had turned to the left instead of the right at that time? What if I did not spend time writing silly letters, and instead focused more?

It was a spiraling abyss that would lead to nothing good, so I shook my head and focused on the old man in front of me. “Let us do what we do best, we will defeat the demon that nested inside the mines, you can trust us,” I nodded reassuringly before being hugged tightly and suddenly, by Fumihiro.

“You are so kind, all of you- so brave, you have been through so much. Is there anything we can do to repay you?” He asked as he pulled back from me, tears threatening to fall down. Please don’t cry, I do not know what to do if you start crying, I thought as I patted his shoulder. “You are doing more than we could ask for, taking care of our wounds, giving us shelter and feeding us,” I said with a smile, “All you have to do, is let us do what we do best, take down demons,” He nodded enthusiastically before standing up and telling me he would have someone bring me food.

I did not stay in bed long. The following day, I was back in the mines. It was against Fumihiro’s orders, but I could not stay still, and my wounds had healed up greatly.

We had found huge clues that could lead to the ‘mastermind’ as Daisuke would call it, on the 22nd of July. There were huge prints on the ground, they did not match any animals we could think of, so we made sure to leave our own markers around the area to not lose it in case the demon came back on its footsteps. That day we spent the entire night thinking of a plan to follow. I say the entire night, for we all fell asleep talking about it. I did not even have time to read the letter I had received from Rengoku.

That same night, while half of us were asleep, Jin, Uchiyama and Takeshi came in running. Those were the names of some of the recruits we had rescued.

In a panicked state, they started explaining that the demon had come out and was ransacking the village. We all stood up, sword in hand and ready to fight. Some were slower in getting ready, so I left the room without them and ran to the demon with the three recruits that had come in running.

“It is huge! There is a smaller one with it, but we can’t find it- what should we do?”

The obvious thing was, “Evacuate the houses, I will distract it. The others will join me soon enough, go,” I waved them off, they nodded and ran to the villagers’ houses, not taking time to knock on the doors. They barged in.

A thunder-like voice echoed high from the ground, “Look who it is, aren’t you the one who killed my dearest, oh so soft lackeys?” The pitch of the voice was higher than those I had encountered, “It was a stupid move of you demon, to kidnap slayers,” I stated, looking at the long-haired demon that stood on one of the rooftops of the house. Its feet dug inside the tiles, shattering them on the spot.

“Demon this, demon that, let’s be civilized, shall we? I am Suzumi Shiori, and you are?” The woman that stood in front of me, suddenly jumped off the roof and was now standing only steps away from me. She was taller than the demons I had encountered so far in the mine, she also differed from them by wearing a mask while the other did not. The fox mask the demon had mentioned. “I am about to take you down,” I breathed as I acted upon my words. Going to slash her neck, the woman-like demon stopped it without much struggle.

“Have they not taught you manners at your little-“ She gestured my way with disdain, “Hunter group? Or something along those lines...” Shrugging, she gripped my blade tighter, I could feel it straining under the strong grip. Taking a deep breath, I used my technique to cut her fingers off and step away from her. “Manners have no place when fighting barbaric beings like you,” I spat, holding back from wincing as I felt my wound sting. From the corner of my eyes, I could see the recruits had started gathering at different places around the village. It was furtive, a smart move to attack the demon by surprise.

Still looking at her ominous figure, I sternly called, “Hana, Jin, Aoyama, go back to the mines, find the four remaining slayers that disappeared,” They nodded and started running to the entrance, the demon named Shiori grunted and made her way to them but Daisuke barred her way and slashed at her stomach, only leaving a scratch. Yet, it was enough to make her step back as she lifted her mask to let it rest on the side of her head. “The rest, with me. We will take her down before any more damage can be done,”

I could hear Aoyama yelp behind me before being ushered back to the dark grotto with the two others.

The fight was a four versus one. All we needed to know was her ability and weakness, after that, it would be easy to defeat her.

“This is entertaining! I can see the cogs running inside those little brains of yours, so I’ll tell you my little secret,” She said in an overly jolly manner. Confidence was dripping off her demeanor, she did not seem an ounce worried for her life. “The easiest way to get your prey is to separate it from the group,” A devilish smile made its way on her lips as she sat down, legs crossed. She then raised her arms and the ground started moving with her, walls building around us, rising from the ground.

Before panicking, I had to assert I had some sort of control on the situation. “Don’t let your guard down, find each other,” As I prepared myself to slash the maze’s walls to not play her games, I heard Uchiyama’s voice echo along Daisuke’s, both saying the same information in different manners, “The walls are rock hard!” and “We cannot slash through the walls,” It ticked me off, I changed the hold on my sword and glanced at the sky to see what time it was, how long we had left.

A proud and sarcastic laugh echoed, the condescending tone never leaving her voice, “Come on! You better start now, or I will go back before sunset,” She cooed, “I am not moving, can you reach me?” It was a rhetorical question that did not have the need for us to pay attention. We hurried and started walking around the maze to reach her, her laugh reaching my ears once again, “You cannot think that is a serious strategy, try harder or you will not reach me in time,” Clapping her hands enthusiastically, she started cheering us on.

I could hear Takeshi and Daisuke getting annoyed, I did not know where they were, but they were complaining out loud. That did bring a smile to my face, even in the midst of all this mess. As time went on, I felt like I was running around in circles, and it was driving me mad. Step after step, my hand still on one wall to try to keep track of what I was doing, in vain.

“Captain!” I heard Daisuke call for me, he hardly called me by that title, but I said his name back and said I could hear him without mentioning anything. “The wall can’t be cut, but maybe we can cut the ground!” I snorted. It was a creative proposition, but we were no gravediggers, although he could try. Thinking outside the box was welcomed, no matter how foolish. Before I could tell him, the woman-like demon took the opportunity and spoke up, “How foolish can you be? Have you not connected the dots yet? Do I have to do all the work for you?”

What does she mean by that? I wondered. She had moved the ground, which meant it was part of her. She could not just move dirt like that, clearly she was not that powerful. And if she was the ground… What am I missing? I thought as I glanced at the sky once again to see how much time we had left. We could not find her in the mine, she kidnapped our recruits, kept them alive for some reason, that being the most confusing part. Why couldn’t we find her in the mine, but the others we could? She can move the ground- she is the ground; she is the mine?

I sent my slayers in the mine. They weren’t kept, they were being digested somehow.

I swore under my breath, “So that is your power,” I started in false confidence, pulling out my sword once again and taking a deep breath. “It is fine by me, my recruits will find your roots somehow-“ “They are probably dead by now, have you not noticed?” She asked, “The mines are closed, there is no escape and oh, will they feel good! For some reason, a lot of them have escaped, but that will go on no longer! I have had enough,” She exclaimed, slamming her hands on the ground, spikes coming out of the walls.

I managed to dodge them, but I could hear Takeshi’s grunts. “Takeshi, don’t move! We will come and get you,” I called out. He tried to reassure me, saying he was fine, but I could hear it in his voice that he was not in great shape. “You have one more lackey, do you not?” I asked the demon. Her face contorted in confusion, “Have you considered it was the one that helped my recruits escape?” She was caught off guard, shaking her head, “There is no one else, you have killed both of my dearest, oh-so-kind, so weak, so useless, subordinates,” Her expression was now hurt, faux hurt, but hurt, nonetheless.

Both of us were lost, if it was not her, what was it? As I pondered that thought, something grabbed my foot. I was surprised and looked down silently, sword at the ready. There stood the little demon I had seen earlier in my mission, the one that had brought Hana out. It brought its hand to its mouth and made a digging motion. Before I could comprehend, I found myself submerged by dirt and rocks. The demon dragged me through the ground before peeking its head out and gesturing for me to come out without a sound.

So, it was the one responsible for their survival? Had she not noticed its existence? I knew it was a demon, but it did not kill. I did not know what its endgame was, but I looked at it a moment before mouthing ‘thank you’. It almost looked flustered before disappearing underground. “Have you lost yourself once again? I am sure mice would be smarter than you slayers. A pity. Smarter people are so much tastier, but I guess there is not changing your little brain this late in the meal, now is there?” I could hear her from up close.

The little demon had brought me close enough that I could take her down. I heard Uchiyama reply to her, determined, “I’ll let you know I’m smarter than Takeshi! Just because you think we can’t find the end of that stupid maze of yours, does not make us stupid!” He said with his voice bursting with assurance. I did not know what he was doing, but it felt like he was getting her attention. It was the perfect moment to strike.

Taking a deep breath, I thought of the best course of attack and used my 5th breathing style. The demon named Shiori turned in pure shock, her face lighting up with fear. Before she could react, I struck her neck hard. It was resistant at first, but I could feel my blade dig in the hide-like skin. I heard her breathe, baffled and stunned, “How?”

I smiled, “There was a mole, it seems,” I did feel proud of that joke, but the demon did not get it. “I don’t get it- I-“ Her walls started falling off, disappearing. And as they did, I looked at the mine, which was fading away too, disintegrating. I heard Daisuke join Takeshi’s side, helping him up and taking a look at his wound, good. In the thrill of having taken her down, I had forgotten she had risen herself on a wall of her own making, that same wall that was falling apart.

Both of us fell to the ground, her head in my hand and her body under mine, making my fall less painful. Waiting patiently for her to disappear, I looked around and saw the little demon that had helped me, it popped out of the ground with people behind it, my people. Turning the woman-like demon’s head, I showed her, “There, that’s the reason you’re defeated. How does it feel? The weakest are still pretty useful when you do not pay attention, wouldn’t you agree?” I asked, too cocky. I do not know why I was feeling so elated. Was it because I could finally return home? Or because she had killed two of my recruits, and had finally paid the price?

“I thought I had killed you!! Traitor!” She barked, her face adorning hideous traits. The small demon looked at her without any expression, it stared a moment before scurrying off, back underground. “That rat, that idiot, I knew I should have made sure it was-“ Her words were cut off, her face slowly turning into dust.

We waited a few more minutes for the sun to rise. A new day was ahead of us, and we had a lot to do. For now, we would go back inside and rest, for nothing could be done in the state we were in.

That night, we fell asleep peacefully. Hana insisted on keeping an eye out just in case, while we slept.

The next morning, we started working on fixing the village. The death of the fox-masked demon had left holes in the mines, odd ones that led to unknown places. Some roofs were damaged, walls too. Our large number made the reparations take a lot less time than they would have.

The four recruits we had found the previous night were sleeping peacefully, watched over by Fumihiro.

Days and days of hard work busied us. It was not until the 27th July that I found time to read Rengoku’s letter and reply to it.

22nd July

My love, my dear,

My heart jumped in my chest at the mention of you getting hurt. There is no point in feeling bad upon not being there to stop it, but I cannot help it… If I had been there you would not have been in pain. You told me you were doing fine, and I believe you. Scars are battle medals, it means you have fought and lived to tell your story. The scars that adorn your body are like the stars that adorn the night sky, beautiful and mesmerizing.

If you would allow it, I would like to show you how much I still adore you and your body, even if scarred… Upon your return, I will worship you, with the utmost respect, unless you wish for else.

To hire a painter to follow us on our journey is a great idea! But they would have to look away when I will not be able to hold back from kissing you all over. I will not let you go one minute once we retire. Just like ivy on a tree.

Dandelions can tangle my hair, I would not care for I would need not to make a wish. Having you by my side is my only desire. And there is nothing I could ask for more than to have your hands on my body at all times. Hair, shoulders, hands… Everywhere is welcome for your touch, my body is screaming for your touch.

For someone with a strong desire to be appropriate, your promiscuous words left me wanting more. I will hold you onto that promise… And to answer your question, although it was scribbled over, the answer is yes. Do what you will with that piece of information, my love.

The trainees are working hard, so hard I almost struggle to keep up with them. If you were there, I am sure we could manage them with more ease, your presence would give me the energy I lack to match their attitude. Everyone is working very hard. It is hard work to keep them all determined, but you must know I am a determined man. I will have them keep hope and be ready by the time of the battle.

Two weeks away from holding you close, I cannot wait for your return,

I will finally rest easy once I have you by my side,

Lovingly,

K. Rengoku

I missed him dearly, and as I read his letters, all of them, I pondered how long I could hold myself from telling him I loved him. Having him wish for a peaceful life together at the end of all this left me wanting that too. I feared matching his hopefulness, I feared wanting a future. Not because it was one with me, but because if in that future he was not with me, I do not think I could live without him.

27thJuly

My love,

We have found the remaining recruits; it is a relief to announce we will be departing shortly to return home.

I must apologize for the late reply from your previous letter. After defeating the demon behind all of this, we had to take care of the damage it had done. I am grateful to have been accompanied by everyone as we repaired everything, it made the process a lot faster.

The proper words have a hard time coming to me. Your words still echo in my mind, I cannot express how much they meant to me. If it is of any usefulness, know that I feel the same about you. No matter the state this war leaves you in, I will love you just the same. It sounds awful said as such, but it is true. As optimistic as we can be, we cannot know for sure if we will make it.

I will not let you worship my body until I have done the same to yours. Words cannot portray the depth of my craving for your touch, for your presence. The comfort of your being is what I long for, but to hear you say my name barely above a whisper is what I yearn for. Oh, to be back on that veranda where we can enjoy our breakfast together… I miss you.

As for the piece of information… I will use it as I worship you, my only God.

That piece of information you share will be more than useful in time…

I will help you with the recruits, for we might need to train ten more as I bring them back from the Nakusaki village. More fun is bound to follow, would you not think?

I will be writing you a letter on the day of my departure,

Thinking of you, Missing you every moment,

Songbird

As promised, a few days later, before receiving any letter from Rengoku, I was packing everything. It was hard to coordinate everyone, but we managed. The villagers thanked us, asking us if we needed anything more before we left. They offered us some of their most valuable belongings, but we would not take it. There was no need, was what we told them.

Before leaving, I had sent a last letter.

30thJuly

My dear Kyojuro,

I am returning to the mansion.

We will be departing the village today, after one last meal with the villagers. We might take more time to return than it took me to arrive, some of us are in pretty bad shape.

We will probably arrive on the 1st of August,

I cannot stand still at the thought of seeing you again,

Impatiently yours,

Your songbird

[Part 7]

[thebandcampdiaries]

John Kline presents: Rixile Elixir

May 2023 - John Kline is an artist who creates innovative music that explores a vast range of styles. His recent album release, “Rixile Elixir,” is yet another step forward in his kaleidoscopic musical journey. Record after record, John never failed to challenge himself and bring new ideas into the fold. 

With its ten songs, “Rixile Elixir” continues along the same thread, highlighting the artist’s willingness to keep exploring new sounds and ideas. The opening track, “Neurogenesis,” is incredibly immersive from the get-go. This thrilling and explosive track combines powerful, thunderous drums with intricate and precise lead guitar parts. The melody is captivating and impressive, and the mastery of the musicianship is evident throughout the song. The effects used on the guitar give the track an added edge, and the taste of dialing them in is impeccable. It's a genuinely remarkable piece of music that showcases the talent and skill of the artists who created it. The second song, “Made It Home,” is another highlight. The track combines subtle country influences with the experimental nature of fusion, resulting in a sound that is both familiar yet completely fresh and innovative.

The guitars on the track sound mesmerizing, with lush delay effects that create breathtaking melodic interactions with the piano. The interplay between the two instruments is truly something special, and it's clear that a lot of thought and care went into crafting this arrangement. The bass is also very present, providing a solid foundation for the music to build upon. However, it's not just a simple rhythm section - the tone is also rounded and melodic, driving the song along with the drums. “Happy Little Echoes” is another beautiful track that stays true to its title with its cheery mood. With their lush delay effects, the guitars create a stunning cascading effect. The arpeggiated delay gives the feeling of a river where melody and harmony flow instead of water, creating a truly immersive and engaging experience for the listener. The title track is an epic instrumental progressive rock song that takes the listener on a wild journey of soaring guitar phrasings. The following track, “Friday Song,” brings back the happy, positive mood previously explored on “Happy Little Echoes,” This helps maintain a coherent flow through the album. Still, there is also room for contrasting ideas. “Agent of Change” is one of the most mesmerizing pieces of music on this album. The opening bars are haunting and mysterious, drawing the listener in and setting the stage for the musical journey ahead. “Drive to Mobile” offers a very uplifting arrangement with a melodic approach to the lead guitar parts that will leave you wanting more. 

Just as music can soothe the soul and evoke emotions, water can bring peace and tranquility to the mind and body. John explores this concept to perfection in “Water Song.” The song is very cinematic, as its beautiful melody has the power to transport the listener to another place. The song “To The Sky” has a 70s prog flavor, and the piano parts are beautifully crafted, creating amazing rhythm pockets with the other instruments without giving up on the weight of the melody. Lastly, “Illusion (Life’s Dance)” is an awe-inspiring conclusion showcasing John’s impressive virtuoso skills.

What sets this album apart is the sophistication it showcases. The musicianship of these songs is akin to what jazz and fusion players are known for. However, the songs also have a brand of raw energy typical of a rock combo. The balance of rawness and nuanced musical talent makes for a very mercurial and refreshing listening experience. Fans of artists as diverse as Al Di Meola, Joe Satriani, Steve Morse, Eric Johnson, Jeff Beck, Guthrie Govan, and Snarky Puppy would be able to connect with this release.

Exploring different musical genres within the same release can be quite challenging, but amazing things can happen when artists are willing to take risks and experiment. Ultimately, “Rixile Elixir” shows that blending different styles of music can be a gratifying experience for both the artist and the audience. By pushing the boundaries and taking chances, artists can create something unique and special that will stand the test of time. It is exciting to experience how John pushes the boundaries and explores new sounds and styles with the tracks on “Rixile Elixir.”

Find out more about John Kline, and listen to this release on Spotify:

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/5YJzWqOBnhRAIjnjDvSGPs?si=01pBUAAaTJyPl971SJTRSw

[thiscastielhasflown]

day three of day two of j&kcreatorfest (with @expectingtofly)— prompts: movie night or baking dean just wants to watch brokeback mountain in peace and cas is there to enjoy the emotional roller coaster ride. (2.1k) [does contain spoilers of the movie's plot, you have been warned]

"Okay choose — Midnight Cowboy or Brokeback Mountain?"

Cas looks directly at Dean who is standing in front of him holding two DVDs and smiling wide with eagerness. To celebrate and commemorate their first Pride Month official out together, both collectively decided to watch a different LGBTQ+ themed movie every night during June (if at all possible).

Rather than the Winchester/Leahy family's normal Tuesday night movie routine, Sam and Eileen were more than willing to change up their usual viewing schedule — even helping to prepare and order movies unavailable to be streamed. But sadly this night coincided with their short weekend getaway trip up to Donna's cabin for a needed change in scenery from the bleak walls of the bunker. No matter how good the movie choice was going to be for those nights, nothing compares to either couple getting some alone time together.

Cas and Dean are left alone to watch a movie in the newly renovated 'Dean Cave' — now including a larger sectional couch (to fit everyone more comfortably), an LED monogrammed neon light of Dean's nickname from Cas, 'Titan', along with new pictures hung up from a recent family photoshoot, and a new stereo sound system all set up by Dean earlier that day.

While Dean was busy with that, Cas was in the kitchen trying out a homemade sourdough pretzel dough recipe — made with his own fermented starter — along with a batch of double-chocolate chunk brownies with lines of caramel crisscrossing across the top as their movie viewing snack for the night.

"I thought we were watching the Trixie Mattel documentary."

"I know we agreed on that, but I'm more into a gay cowboy sort of mood tonight. You feel me?"

Cas blinks, "I haven't felt you yet."

"Cas, it's a figure of speech. Stay on track. Which one do you want to watch?"

"Isn't Trixie a gay Western icon as anyway?"

Dean hesitates, "Well, I would say not exactly. Maybe because of her music style and love for Dolly—"

"Parton, we've listened to her music before," Cas interrupts.

Dean smiles, "Yes we have. We've listened to Trixie too. So I guess it depends on who you ask if they’d categorize her as a modern gay Western icon in the drag business. We're sidetracked, please just pick one."

"Okay, sorry. How about the one with the happier ending."

Dean pauses to think, "I don't think either end up happy."

"Then the one where someone doesn't die."

Dean pauses again, "I...do believe someone dies in both of them."

"Then what are the differences?"

"To be honest, there really aren't that many," Dean laughs it off, "They both take place within the same 1960s setting, even though Brokeback was made in 2004. There are two main male characters in both, who aren't close in the beginning but end up so by the end. Um. The biggest difference is that Brokeback actually takes place in Western-type locations, where Midnight Cowboy setting is in New York. Is any of this helping in your decision process?"

"To be honest, not really," Cas stands up from the couch and adjusts his shirt, "Well, you go ahead and make the final decision, okay? Let me go grab the pretzels and brownies from the kitchen while you get it set up. Want a beer?"

"Yes, please. Can you bring extra cheese sauce too?" Dean answers.

"Of course, nacho or cheddar?"

A sparkle glazes over Dean's eyes as he looks at Cas, a smirk making its way across his lips, "How about both?"

"Sure can," Cas leans in to give Dean a kiss on the cheek, brushing his hand up against the other man's shoulder, "Be right back."

Dean watches Cas walk out of the room with a smug look on his face, admiring his love before bending down in front of the TV console and turning on the DVD player to give it time to boot up. He looks back and forth between either movie case, still unable to pick one over the other. Sighing, he ends up picking Brokeback Mountain, knowing deep down that Cas would most likely end up enjoy watching it more.

As he stands back up holding the DVD player remote in his hand, he hears the sound of Cas walking down in the hallway near the mancave’s door. They've been together so long at this point, but even the slightest presence of Cas will still make a butterfly giddiness erupt inside of Dean.

"Right on time as always," Dean puts down the remote after pushing 'play', grabbing the plate and beer held out to him by Cas.

He holds it up to his nose and breathes in the mingling smells of delicious food, "You really outdid yourself on this one."

Cas blushes from the compliment before pulling his own plate closer to him, breaking off a piece of the brownie and slipping it into his mouth, "Glad to know you approve."

Dean winks and takes a bite of his own, letting out a tiny moan of satisfaction from the taste, "Did you put sea salt in this?"

"I'm surprised you noticed, it was one of my secret ingredients I added in. Thought it would go well with the caramel."

"Your intuition was right, this is delicious," Dean takes another large bite and lets the flavors melt over his tongue.

At this point in the movie, Jack and Ennis sit at the bar drinking together, getting the chance to have the last bit of freedom before heading up to the mountain to work. This reminds Dean of the many times he's shared a drink with Cas before they assumed the worst would happen, losing each other. Yet those moments have now become ones he'll never forget.

The soft touch of a hand against his face pulls Dean's eyeline from the movie, Cas reeling him into a deep kiss, their lips melding into each other creating a familiar yet comfortable feeling.

Before letting anything escalate Dean pulls back and faces his head back towards the TV, reaching up to wipe off his bottom lip softly, "Watch the movie, you're going to miss a good part."

Cas pulls away and pouts, giving him one last peck on the neck before returning fully to the boundaries of his seat.

Dean turns his head back again to Cas and reaches out for his hand, weaving their fingers together, "Hey don't do that, all I wanna do is watch the movie. We can do plenty of that later."

"Fine, fine," Cas mocks, grabbing a piece of the soft pretzel and dips it in the cheese, shoving it in his mouth with a hint of annoyance.

They manage to in silence to watch the movie a little longer before Cas speaks up again, "So...what exactly is going on?"

Dean clears his throat, "Well, Jack and Ennis got their orders to go up to the mountain to go work with the sheep and they're still trying to get used to each other. Testing out the ropes, trying to work together as a team."

"Are you sure they fall in love? They definitely don't very seem into each other at the moment."

Dean takes a sip of his beer, "Love happens in mysterious ways Cas, just like us. It is never as easy as we think, especially when two people don't really get along, to begin with."

"We got along just fine, what are you talking about?"

The only thing Dean does when he hears Cas make that statement is laugh, downing another large gulp of his beer.

Cas tilts his head, "Why are you laughing?"

"Your memory must be skewed now that you're human. Don't you remember threatening my life multiple times? Trust me, you and Uriel were a couple of dicks for the majority of that early time."

"I've changed a lot since then."

Dean smiles and squeezes Cas' hand, "We've both changed a lot. Us, being here like this, is the ending we both deserve. For them, it was much harder of a situation. Their free will isn't as fluid as the ones we take for granted."

"You're not telling me—" Cas sits back with wide eyes, trying to formulate the future plot points in his head.

"I'm not going to spoil anything from the movie, you're going to have to watch it yourself to find out yourself," Dean mimics zipping his lips and turning a key to lock it, "My lips are sealed.”

A sudden vibration erupts from Dean's back, shoving his hand into it and pulling out his phone to see Sam's picture contact picture lit up (from a drunken Halloween night dressed up in a Chewbacca costume, minus the head, with a herbal cigarette dangling between his lips), swiping to answer, "Hey Sammy, what's going on?"

"Hey-uh-hi, are you busy right now?" Sam asks in a mildly frantic tone of voice over the phone.

"Well—" Dean signals to Cas to pause the movie, "It is movie night like you know, but I can talk. Everything going okay?"

"No, yeah, everything is fine. Do you know how to treat a spider bite?"

Dean coughs slightly in surprise, "Are you telling me you already managed to get a spider bite?"

Cas, overhearing the conversation holds a hand up to his mouth to help suppress the giggling he's unable to prevent himself from doing.

"Yeah, um, neither Eileen and I can remember if it's supposed to be a cold or warm compress."

Dean shakes his head and lets out a chuckle, "Did you just drunkenly call me, to ask me, how to treat a spider bite less than 24 hours after leaving here?"

"Yes Dean, do you have the answer or not?"

"Go get some ice and makeshift ice pack. For the swelling. Any other questions?"

Sam pauses not answering right away, Dean hears the sound of rustling and clanking of ice in the background, "No that should be it. Thank you."

"Yep, you're welcome. Bye," Dean hangs up before Sam can say anything else.

"I'm sorry for all of the distractions tonight Dean, I really am. I know how much you wanted to watch this movie," Cas puts a hand on his shoulder, slightly massaging at the tense muscle underneath Dean's favorite Led Zeppelin shirt.

"It's fine Cas, we can stop the movie if you want. Maybe pick it back up tomorrow?"

"Why can't we continue watching it? If we have to pause again, then we pause again. Anyway, you have me interested in learning what will happen.”

“Alright, we’ll continue.”

Thankfully, no one else bothers them for the rest of the movie. Even when Cas was confused in certain sections, he reminded quiet and attentively watched, quickly becoming attached to the characters and the blossoming (and losing) love between them. When the credits begin to roll, Dean looks over to see Cas crying, tears streaming down his face, and biting on his bottom lip to possibly contain his emotions.

"Cas, what's wrong?"

"The jacket...Jack was the one who took the jacket that Ennis thought he forget on the mountain. He took it and kept it for all those years. And now...with Jack gone..." Cas leans in towards Dean, who wraps his arms around his shoulder in comfort, pressing little kisses on the top of his head. He lets Cas cry, holding onto him tight.

When Cas feels ready enough to pull away, Dean reaches up to wipe the tears from his cheeks, "What’s wrong Cas?"

"It just reminds me of us. When you kept my coat, the symbolism of keeping an article of clothing when your loved one is gone. In this case—" Cas sucks in a deep breath, bottom lip quivering, "Ennis lost Jack, his soulmate. But no matter how many times you've lost me, I've always come back. I wish that could have been the same for them."

"Oh, babe..." Dean pulls Cas into a kiss, strong and supportive, "They got to share their love while they could, and even though things could have been different, that was the ending destined for the."

"Why couldn’t they have ended up together?"

"Just how their cards were played, nothing we can change about it.”

Cas sighs, rubbing away his remaining leftover tears, "This really is a goddamn bitch of a unsatisfactory situation."

Dean can't help himself from laugh out of happiness, "That was a pretty good usage of that phrase, glad to know you picked up on it."

"Oh, it's going to be my go-to now, along with 'I wish I knew how to quit you’."

"Sounds to me like you liked the movie. Well, I do have an idea," Dean stands up from the couch and reaches for Cas' hand, pulling him up to a standing position, "How about we go start something? Sound good to you?"

[englass]

How about #7 for the dark prompts?

Sure thing, Anon! Thank you for sending it in!

Have to say, this is such a dramatic prompt that I was going to have some fun with it and not take it too seriously, but... well, that didn't exactly happen...

7. “If they so much as think about you, I will personally see to it that the last thing they ever think, see and know about again is my hand through their chest.”

- - -

Sometimes you question what you were doing with your life. When you were younger you had so many ideas, so many dreams about what you would grow up to be and do; both occupation and personal development wise. Maybe you’d be a librarian, a personal assistant perhaps. Perhaps you’d no longer be so reticent, be more honest and forthright with what you wanted maybe. You can’t say exactly what you thought you’d grow up to do and be like, but what you can say is that romance had been a far, far off idea in the vague outline of your future. Something you only thought about in passing, as a bittersweet indulgence to your secretly romantic heart.

Love seemed like such an inexplicable thing, inconceivable despite the evidence displayed in those around you. For whatever reason you just couldn't see yourself with someone, couldn’t comprehend such an equally desirable and yet dangerous emotion being something that you would ever experience, let alone actually come to possess. The idea of it was all so frightening; so complex and intricate in the way that the unknown typically appears to be.

Maybe, in some strange backwards way, that was why John was such a comfort to you: so complex, intricate and unknown to you as he was.

At first it had been nothing more than an unexpected friendship. It had been hard to believe that such a successful and attractive man would ever be interested in getting to know little, introverted you, even in a purely friendly manner. It had set your foolishly hopeful heart into a childish frenzy at the time, one you’d constantly had to settle and aggressively force down in fear of hurting your sensitive self. The heart is such a fragile thing after all, and you are intimately self-aware of the fragility of your own.

It had been difficult, painful in the way that a yearning heart always is, but you had gotten by; contented yourself with a friendship that sometimes appeared to hint too close at something more, but that you knew never would be. Or, at least, you never thought it would be. John's rather sudden confession during (what you had thought to be) a casual dinner had completely thrown you off guard, completely spun your world on its axis in a way that you couldn’t tell if it was the best or worst thing to ever happen to you.

Ultimately you settled on the former; it was definitely the best thing to have happened to you, despite your many fears and reservations over it all. Fortune had certainly shown favour in gifting him to you and (hopefully) you to him. John had been nothing but supportive and patient during this new experience with him, and it never failed to make your cheeks flush with a bashful heat every time he whispered private assurances and sweetened comforts against your skin.

Yes, life has definitely turned out differently than what your younger self would have ever thought possible.

Sometimes, however, you find yourself questioning what you were doing in this sort of life.

At his core John is a sweetheart, as much of a romantic as you are in his own flavorful way. He’d never once taken a tone with you, never once made you feel lesser than despite your own parasitic insecurities insisting otherwise. John was beautifully unique, and you had no doubt in your mind that there would never be another man like him.

“If they so much as think about you, I will personally see to it that the last thing they ever think, see and know about again is my hand through their chest... ”

And that included his almost disturbing degree of overprotectiveness over you.

Hesitantly you shake your head, placing a cautious hand on John’s arm as he glares menacingly at the… what are they, a guard? You’re really not sure how to describe the people that follow John and his siblings. It’s all very out of your depth, and for your own peace of mind you think it may be best to keep it that way. The less you know the better.

“John, I really don’t think they meant anything by it,” you offer softly, trying to meet his eyes. “They only came in to talk to you. Besides, it sounded urgent. You know they wouldn’t come in like that if it wasn’t.”

John had made it clear a few times already what would happen if anyone came into the ranch without express permission. He used to be a lot more subtle about issuing his threats at the start of your relationship, but not so much any more. In some ways it’s nice that he feels comfortable enough with you to not hide any part of himself, regardless of how dark those parts may be. In other ways you wonder what it is that you are doing with your life -- what have you gotten yourself involved in…

A heavy and drawn out sigh escapes from John, expression softening as he finally turns to look at you; a small and almost guilty smile dispelling his previously murderous scowl. Raising a hand he gently brushes your cheek with the back of his fingers, caressing the quickly redden skin with a fondness that you can feel as much as you can see in the expansive azure of his eyes.

“I suppose you have a point,” he drawls with a teasing lilt, his smile turning charming as his hand smoothes out to cradle your jaw. “I just can’t stand the idea of any of them seeing you; they’re not worthy of such a vision.”

Right… you think anxiously, feebly reminding yourself, overprotective.

“I know,” not completely, but you do know it eases him to hear you say it all the same. “You don’t have to be so harsh with them though. I’m sure they mean no harm.”

John frowns at that, shaking his head. “You don’t know them like I do, sweetling.”

“I don’t,” you agree, “but they listen to you, right? Surely that counts for something?”

The way he watches you makes you squirm, makes you momentarily doubt your safety and the intentions of the faceless men and women around you, but you try not to physically react to him. Only daring to meet his intent gaze with a meek one of your own. Thankfully it doesn’t take long for him to relent in his silent scrutinising of you, offering a gentle smile and a long press of his lips to your forehead.

“I’ll consider what you’ve said, darling.”

That’s about as much as you can ask of him, you guess. It’s a bit disappointing, with how dismissive his words sound, but you know how John can be. Especially when it comes to you; and how pos-- protective he is of you. You try not to let it bother you too much though. Your life is already so much more different than you ever imagined it to be, and you’re not too sure how you’d take it if you started looking too deeply into things; if you started questioning things too much. You don’t know what’s becoming of your life -- oh god help you, but what you do know…

Is that it is hued in red.